Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Snakeskin-Print Midi Dress

443 Comments

1. Ipad users, I have an app question – I am a keen gardener and would love to get an iPad that assists with some planning and documentation tasks. The ideal would be the ability to free draw, then to click on different parts of the drawing and enter text information that only pops up if I reclick on that part of the drawing. Basically, I draw a plant, then I can click on the plant and enter 1000 words if I want, but they only appear if I click.

   I’ve done some some searching and haven’t found anything like this yet. The garden apps seem more for design, and I’ve already designed – mainly I want to make notes throughout the year and document thing.

   In a perfect world, there would also be OneNote like capabilities where I can make to do lists, etc.

   Does this exist??

   1. Yes, you can do that in pages. You’ll need a pencil too.

   2. Did you use a website/App for the design? Which one did you like?

   3. I use AirTable for my garden – notes on what was planted where, when, what to do with fall/spring maintenance, and you can include pictures as well. Maybe that would help?

   4. Can you use the comment or note function and put a collapsible note into your drawings?

2. Looking for a resume service that’s worth the the money for mid level government relations/PR professionals. Thanks!!

3. Great pick!

   1. Yes – love this so much!

   2. Hard pass for me. I’m petite and the sleeves and the length would not look intentional on me!

   3. I love it too.

4. I’m a few years out from a divorce (no kids, clean break, I ended it when I found out about his affair). I’ve dated since then, but nothing has turned serious. Now, I’m 6 months into a new relationship and falling hard – I can really see a future with this guy.

   Is it weird that lately, I’ve had more thoughts come up about my ex husband? Just thinking about him and our relationship more. Over the last week or so, I’ve also had dreams about my ex, including him asking to get back together. They’ve been very vivid- and I rarely remember my dreams. IRL, I’d never get back with him, and I’ve done a lot of work in therapy to move on (I think I have, anyways). I’m very very happy with this new guy. Has anyone had this before?

   1. I haven’t had this exact thing happen but it seems normal. Your subconscious is processing you moving on and getting serious about someone new. I wouldn’t overthink it.

      1. +1

   2. Personally, my brain works overtime to sabotage a lot of my happiness. I work hard to fight it and, of course, therapy.

   3. I think this is normal, and had something happen when I met my now (second) husband. I had kind of shut out my ex to process our divorce and move on. When I started to consider getting serious with DH, I started to think about EXDH a lot. Sometimes in a “phew I’m glad this is different” way, sometimes in a “I wonder what he’s up to” way and sometimes in a “hm maybe if I had handled XYZ differently things would have been different?” way. I never missed him or anything like that, I’m thrilled to have ended up in a much better place in my second marriage, but I think this isn’t unusual. It passed pretty quickly – I think my brain had a minute of struggling with the thought of commitment with someone else, even though we hadn’t been together for a while.

   4. I have! I can’t remember the timeline, but I definitely remember when I started getting serious with Now Husband I suddenly had a lot more thoughts about Bad ExBoyfriend. We had been no contact for years, I had zero desire to get back together with him, NH is a much better match in every way. I figured it was some kind of weird memory pathway thing. I remained no contact and it went away fairly quickly.

   5. I think it’s normal. I had a similar thing happen. I think it’s just a way the brain processes the healthy relationship when the prior relationship was traumatic.

   6. I’ve been married to my current husband for over 20 years and still have dreams about my first husband/college boyfriend. Not in a good way, but he’s just there. Sometimes in my dream I find out I have to go back to him and I’m just like no no no.

      It doesn’t mean you’re not over your ex. It means you have memories of him stored in your brain. I would not worry about this in the least.

   7. Another vote for it’s normal. A word of caution based on my own experience: avoid talking about your ex with your new SO. I’ve experienced what you’re talking about, you analyze your past significant relationships when you start to get into a new one. Unfortunately I sometimes word vomit everything I think, so my new SO gets to hear at least some of my internal dialogue about the ex. It’s not a good thing. It makes him think I’m not over the ex. Thinking over that last relationship will pass, don’t let it derail your current relationship.

   8. It’s fine and normal. I’ve been happily married for 15 years and every once in a while will have really vivid teams about an ex or a high school crush. No big deal!

   9. I’m in a really similar situation post-divorce and falling hard in a new relationship. Any insights into how fast is too fast to move here? I’m ridiculously happy and my therapist knows all about my new man and how much healthier this is, but I’m afraid I’m falling head over heels at too quick a clip!

      1. OP here- I’ve been feeling the same! Everything is going super well, and a large part of me wants to and is rolling with it. At the same time though, I can’t help but think about how I need to be super careful not to end up in a second marriage that doesn’t work out, and how fast is too fast…

         Would love to hear from others re how they’ve approached this.

      2. I am in my 40s and just said I love you after two months and we have already talked about want 10 years from now looks like. There are no rules. I know what I want, what’s healthy, and this is it, so I (we) are going for it.

5. Looking for a large travel duffel bag to replace my Vera Bradley….needed for driving trips, week at the beach. Not a weekender bag but would like more structure and utility than the Vera Bradley duffel. Nylon would be great…thanks in advance.

   1. LL Bean adventure duffle comes in various sizes, up to a very large XL

      1. I have one of these and it’s not as structured as the VB but it’s extremely durable. I ordered the large size (I think) and it seems like it could hold a body—it’s massive!!!! They’re also fairly inexpensive, which is nice.

   2. I like the LL bean boat and tote bags. I get the larger zippered ones for this. It’s exactly my idea of what to pull out of the car for a weekend trip. I also love the Paravel tote bags, same idea but more expensive and nicer.

      1. https://tourparavel.com/products/medium-cabana-tote

         This one is perfect

         1. No. I said not a weekender.

            1. You clearly don’t know what a weekender is.

            2. That bag is not a weekender.

            3. No need to be rude! Wow.

            4. Umm wow, never mind my trying to help you out, girl.

6. I’m trying to figure out this family situation. I’m in my late 20s, single, live in a major city, oldest daughter, immigrant family. My family lives in the suburbs of the city I live in – it takes 1.5 to 2 hrs to get there on public transportation. My younger sister lives in a city about 4 hrs drive from here. She visits all the time and likes to visit.

   My family has had some type of “event” I had to go back for almost every other week for the last 2 months, and for the month of June. Cousin having a baby, mothers day, sister visiting, grandma visiting from abroad etc etc. There’s a big family friend wedding in September. Last year there were 2 multi-day family friend weddings. Honestly growing up every month there would be relatives visiting from abroad and just other family events for huge chunks of the summer. It stopped during the pandemic but seems to be coming back.

   I get that many of these are big events, but what really makes it worse is that my family doesn’t do “come for dinner” or “come for brunch” – it all becomes full day or in their mind ideally full weekend events.

   I’m trying to get an idea of how normal/common it is to be this enmeshed with my parents. I’m sure part of this is because I’m not married/don’t have kids – my mom has said things like “you won’t have time once you get married so come now”. For my cousins baby literally all of her mothers family (her parents, our grandma, two aunts) have come to visit to help with the baby – something she really wants and likes. That’s a good example of how much togetherness my extended family is used to. Coordinating all these people is also complicated and constantly changing.

   I talk to my parents almost every day, and they don’t understand why I would want it to be less. In my ideal world I’d see them maybe once every 2 months. If they gave me some room to breathe, I might actually miss them. Even with relatives visiting – growing up I saw these relatives once every 3 years maybe, so if they start coming to the US every year I just feel like they’re always there.

   When I’ve tried to push back I’ve gotten a lot of “so you don’t want to see your cousins baby” or “so you don’t want to see your grandma before she passes away” etc etc

   As I type this out the solution seems clear – say I’ll come once every 2 months, they pick the event. Honestly I tried that last year but didn’t hold my ground, and my mom was always like “oh this is a one off” “this is special” etc. She’ll say she understands the overall issue but everything is an exception. Any advice on handling this?

   1. My best advice is to make plans. “Sorry, I can’t come to Susan’s sister’s baby’s christening – I have plans with a friend that weekend.” Get involved in a recreational sports league or something if you need to. The idea is to truly be busy until you get better practicing saying no, even if you don’t have other plans.

      Family time is important, but I also agree with you that these events can cut up the entire weekend and prevent you from doing other things with your time. Be selective about the ones you attend for that reason. That midday barbecue on Saturday prevents you from going away for the weekend to a lake house with friends and that is a real tradeoff.

      1. Yep. Having plans is good. What also worked with my mom was having to work.

   2. I think normal/common varies a lot so that’s maybe not the right question. I see my parents at least once a week and am constantly texting with them and my sister, but I enjoy it. We rarely see my husband’s family despite them living the same distance away because we don’t enjoy it and it comes with so much pressure.
      The important part is you want it to be less. I think you have to hold the boundary and let the guilt-tripping wash over you. You can also say you can’t come to ‘full day event’ but you can come for part. But don’t let them pick the events. You choose which matters to you.

   3. I’m guessing you’re Southeast Asian or from a similar cultural background? From what I understand, this amount of attachment is expected and normal for Indian families for example. And it also make sense that if you’re traveling that far that you would go for a whole weekend, not just a brunch.

      That would be waaaay to much family time for me, but I’m white. I talk to my parents once a week. I wouldn’t want to spend my weekends regularly traveling 2 hours to visit family – when do you see your friends, or date, or do hobbies, or even just take care of chores, or anything else?

      I suggest therapy for learning to set boundaries.

      1. I agree with this. I think slowly taking back your weekends is a good idea. Instead of spending Friday night to Sunday evening with family, I would slowly move to seeing them from Saturday afternoon to early Sunday afternoon. That way you still have Friday and Sunday evenings to yourself.

         1. I would do go there Saturday morning and take the evening train back. Long day, but then you get Sunday off home. But boundaries first.

            1. Or delay making your way out to the suburbs until Sunday, which gives you your Saturdays back for personal stuff.

      2. As a mother with a daughter in a major city 1.5 hours away, I would never expect this. Every 4 or 5 weeks I go there and we have lunch. Mother’s day, Father’s day we alternate years of her coming here or us going there. She comes for big events, Thanksgiving, Christmas, once in a while shower, party, meaning once or twice a year. Your family is overstepping for sure.

      3. Yep, I’m Indian and I’m not surprised the subtle guilt trips your family is giving you about not visiting. I know it’s hard to set up boundaries, but you have to hold firm. Set up a up a plan and stick with it. I know it will feel difficult and uncomfortable, but you are an adult and you have your own life.

      4. OP’s reference to immigrants did make me think she might be Southeast Asian (my BFF is Indian-American) but fwiw I am white and see my local parents pretty much every day and if they lived an hour away I’d definitely see them almost every weekend (I have kids though, so there’s the added dimension of nurturing the grandparent-grandchild relationship). But even before I had kids I talked to them every day. There’s some truth to stereotype about immigrant families, but plenty of white people are close to their families too.

         1. Except even among white people there can be varying definitions of “close to your family.” I speak to my parents once a week and we see them 2-3 times a year (they live 8 hours away by car, 1.5 hours by plane). I am also friends with my mom on Facebook. They always know what’s going on with us. Some of my friends, who speak to their parents maybe 3-4 times a year and see them once every other year at best, consider my relationship with my parents to be “close.” And I would agree – by my standards, I am close to my parents. I would consider your relationship with your parents to be beyond close – like, too much for me, for sure. It wouldn’t be something I would like or be able to sustain (and my husband would definitely struggle with it) but if it works for your family, great. Everyone gets to define their relationship with their parents the way they want to define it. If the OP’s family is asking too much of her, in her opinion – well, her opinion is the only one that matters, and in your case, your opinion is the only one that matters.

         2. +1

            I live in the city (also late 20s and single) and travel 45 mins to see my parents most weekends. My SE Asian friends joke that even though I’m white, my family is SE Asian for how often we do things together.

            That being said, I skip my weekly visit if I have plans and 75% of the time I just go for dinner.

         3. I’m the Anon at 9:31. I would consider myself close to my parents too, but I think building a life independent of your parents in your 20s is really important.

   4. I think there are kind of two separate issues here: the constant events and how often you see/talk to your parents. In your late 20s constant weddings and showers are a thing for many people. It’s annoying but it’s also pretty normal and a lot of people have to deal with it. I assume it will be better in a few years.

      On the parents point, it’s your right to draw a boundary and talk to them less if you want, but generally (assuming your parents aren’t abusive or cruel) I think it’s kind to talk to them daily if it makes them happy. You won’t have them forever and unless they’re expecting a huge chunk of time for this phone call, it doesn’t seem like a big imposition. I’ve always talked to my parents every day and have several close friends who do too so I don’t think it’s weird or overly enmeshed to do that, but there are certainly plenty of people who don’t.

      1. The daily calls are very short so they’re actually not that big a deal, that’s a good point.
         Also true that the number of weddings/showers will taper off!

         This helps me narrow down then problem – I think the main issue is the relatives visiting for chunks of time every summer, and the assumption that I will visit them multiple times while they’re here. I have just said I’m busy for events and thats has worked. The exception is things that my family thinks its close and important but I don’t – like seeing my cousin-who-had-a-baby’s mom multiple times before she leaves.
         They ask “don’t you care about so-and-so?” and it’s like what do you want me to say? I’m all but telling you I don’t care to see them this much.

         1. I am close to my family and I think it’s completely reasonable to see visiting relatives once, not multiple times, unless you really want to.

         2. How about saying, “I can’t come out to see Aunt Lucy again, but I’d love to video chat with you guys before she leaves!” Then have a quick facetime/whatsapp when they’re all meeting up. Usually at a family gathering we will facetime with close relatives who can’t make it, but it’s generally a quick hello and wave.

            1. This is a great suggestion!

            2. This sounds like a good idea, I can try this.

      2. “I think it’s kind to talk to them daily if it makes them happy. You won’t have them forever and unless they’re expecting a huge chunk of time for this phone call, it doesn’t seem like a big imposition.”

         Separate from the OP’s situation, I just want to say this: this may work in situations where people’s parents are mentally-healthy, functional, non-codependent people. In some family systems, the daily call becomes an expectation and there’s guilting/shaming that takes place if the person doesn’t call every day. This can become a very effective emotional shackle or manipulation tool and for many of us “just call your parents every day, it’s not a big deal” is absolutely not the truth. It is a big deal and it’s not the way some of us can have healthy relationships with reasonable boundaries with our parents.

         Something I wish we could all have a better perspective on sometimes: Your family is not like my family. Your job is not like my job. Your relationship is not like my relationship; your kids are not like my kids, etc. etc. There is no one right or wrong way for people to live their lives. So blanket advice is really not all that appropriate, because there’s no way one path forward is going to be right for all people.

         1. “Something I wish we could all have a better perspective on sometimes: Your family is not like my family. Your job is not like my job. Your relationship is not like my relationship; your kids are not like my kids, etc. etc. There is no one right or wrong way for people to live their lives. So blanket advice is really not all that appropriate, because there’s no way one path forward is going to be right for all people.”

            OK — but the OP is asking for advice and also “trying to get an idea of how normal/common” her situation is. Of course everyone can only comment from their own perspective and/or based on the information provided by OP about her own family (there was nothing in the initial post that suggested some time of “emotional shackle or manipulation tool” in her situation btw). I don’t understand this thinking at all. What is the point of asking for advice on a blog then since none of us have the full picture and/or are in OP’s exact shoes with her exact family? She might as well just ask her sister.

            1. +1

   5. Idk why you’re trying to suddenly go from seeing them nearly every weekend to one every two months? I’d start smaller. Two visits a month, and you don’t have to spend the whole day or weekend. You aren’t being held hostage you just say “happy to come for lunch to see grandma, I need to head back to the city at 4” and then at 4 you get up and leave. You don’t need them to agree or like it or get collective but in. You just do it.

   6. This feels fairly normal for people with good relationships with their family. And especially in immigrant families. I’m part of one also. You didn’t mention anything negative about your family. Like they are narcissists, or judge your choices, or whatever. So I don’t see an issue with seeing local family for family events. I talk to my mom almost every day and see her and my in laws weekly. My husband talks to his parents daily. But we have kids so the visits are about the kids more now. Before kids, it was every other week or so with each side. We would go to all the family events you’re mentioning. Honestly, unless there’s something toxic about your family, you should be grateful that you’re close and can share these special moments together. But maybe that perspective comes with age and as you start to lose family members. My husband and I both lost our only aunts to cancer in the last couple years. They were in their 50s/early 60s.

      1. This is such a horribly judgmental take. People can be grateful for their family and still want to enjoy their own life and do things that they want to do with their limited free time. Family doesn’t have to be abusive or toxic to want your own life even if you come from an immigrant family. OP, I’d ignore this entire comment! You don’t need the additional guilt by a stranger.

         1. +1.

         2. Yup. You can be a loving enthusiastic family member and also have your own life.

         3. Strongly agree, and I don’t see that two hours away is “local.” If that were a drive, it’s be halfway across the state for me, and it’d be a hard “no”.

            It’s emotional blackmail.

         4. Thank you!

            My family is certainly very co-dependent. That’s how they like it. And my parents do judge my choices.
            For everyone who has suggested that I don’t know how to have boundaries – I’ve put in place many boundaries, so despite the co-dependency/undiagnosed anxiety all of them have / lifestyle judgement it’s pretty much fine when we meet. Its not necessarily enjoyable though. I’m not like friends with my family.

            I have friends who have a common interest with their parent – like a friend who likes the same type of music as her mom. So her mom comes into the city to go to concerts. Somehow that feels better – I guess it’s two adults who are doing something they like together, they just happen to be related?

         5. +1 million. I am marveling at the self-involvement and myopia of some of these comments. Really, folks?

         6. +100

         7. She asked for feedback on whether this level of interaction was normal/common. And that’s what I was providing. She did not mention anything problematic about her family in the first comment. And even said that her sister enjoyed visiting from further away. I’m not sure where you’re getting the idea that people close to their families don’t have their own lives. I’m a BigLaw partner with two kids under 5 and tons of friends in my city. I live local to my parents and inlaws, as I mentioned, and several cousins. The reason I’ve been able to have my career and my social life is because I’m close with my family. They provide backup childcare and date nights and kid free vacations (in addition to family vacations). They help my husband when I’m traveling for work and sometimes watch the kids weekend mornings when I work or we need to run errands. Maybe they would have done this anyway after we had kids but maybe it’s because my husband and I have always valued our family connections even before kids. I can’t say either way.

            1. I think your response was helpful, and answered the OP’s question, and I think similarly. We all come from our own experiences, and OP asked for input.

      2. Agreed. Also have a similar background and I think it’s an American take to see this as problematic.

         1. We are not saying her situation is problematic. She is posting asking for advice and how to navigate a situation that she doesn’t like! If she was happy with this dynamic then she wouldn’t have posted. We aren’t saying it’s problematic, she is and she has every right to want to live her life the way she wants.

         2. Right, and we’re in America…so…

            (And I don’t mean this as xenophobic or not responsive to the OP’s culture. But OP is living her life in the wider world outside of her family’s culture and as a participant in that wider world, she has different priorities, expectations and obligations than her family does. And that is completely normal and okay!)

         3. I think it’d weird how many people move far away from family and / or live nearby and don’t see their family often.

            Non-immigrant, as basic white mutt as you can be and I see at least my parents (if not siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) weekly. Most of my friends do too.

            1. This is my take, too.

            2. It’s great that you grew up somewhere you’re interested in living, a lot of us didn’t. DH and I are both from very rural areas with zero job opportunities, terrible schools, and no culture or activities or hobbies we enjoy. I hated my hometown, I couldn’t wait to leave, no way I’d ever move back.

            3. Anonymous at 1:43 – in my case, my parents had moved away from their families in a situation much like yours – there was absolutely nothing for them to do for work in their teeny hometown – and then after they retired, they’ve hopscotched around to several different cities, finally landing in Phoenix, a city (or “monument to man’s arrogance”) where neither my husband and I have any desire to live. My parents love it there and refuse to move anywhere else and my husband and I refuse to move to where they are, so we’re at kind of an impasse, which I imagine will only be resolved when I have to forcibly move them closer to me when they can no longer live independently.

               So, I feel you, not about “never will I ever move back to my hometown” – although I wouldn’t, blech. I literally know no one who’s left there, so there’s definitely nothing to really go back to. But, never will I ever move to Phoenix, just because my parents live there. P.S., my grandparents and several of my aunts and uncles are dead; my remaining family is spread out across the country. No one is concentrated in any one area. So, good for the people who grew up in Nowheresville, Nebrohoma and their whole family is still there – I guess? But that’s not everyone’s situation, and not everyone is willing to stay in Nowheresville, Nebrohoma solely to stay close to family.

               I also feel like people who never left their hometowns (or left only to go to college and then went back) have a really limited view of the world, but that’s probably another discussion for another day.

            4. In my family the culture is kids move away for college, make their own life and parents eventually settle nearby and help with grandkids. I know everyone is biased towards their own family culture, but I think that’s the ideal way to do it. I got to see the world and choose where I want to live and I still get my parents nearby.

            5. In my family (random white people), there’s at least 3 generations’ worth of people moving around the country for job opportunities. A hundred years ago, my mother’s family was concentrated in SW OK and my dad’s was largely around Kansas City, KS. None of my great-grandparents’ direct descendants live within 300 miles of either place. They didn’t move because they wanted to, exactly, but over and over again, they made the choice to move for the job market. None of my great-grandparents were well-off, and their descendants were largely people with degrees who really wanted a level of economic security they weren’t going to find in say, Hobart, OK.

               My parents encouraged me to move out of my hometown because there were limited job opportunities. We all joke that we get along better if there are about 1200 miles between us and the next relative, but we do see each other often and talk on the phone a lot. And there’s also a family tradition (sort of) as an older person to a place near your kids. I joke that I’ll retire halfway between Kid 1’s medical practice and Kid 2’s parole officer, and it’s sort of true.

         4. It’s weird to me that the answers are : just don’t be an immigrant.

            I don’t think anyone who isn’t from an immigrant family can relate or give her practical advice here.

            Ps this is my first comment.

            1. Yeah, that’s not at all what people are saying.

            2. It is completely what people are saying.

   7. Can you make up pressing work projects that necessitate working weekends? I don’t want to generalize, but some immigrant parents understand that work comes first. In normal circumstances, you wouldn’t need to lie to your parents, but since you feel you can’t push back, work is usually a reliable excuse.

   8. If you truly don’t enjoy seeing your parents and family more than once every two months, then yeah your plan seems fine. But assuming you actually like your family and have a good relationship with them, it strikes me as overly rigid.

      In your shoes, I would enforce boundaries by picking events I wanted to go to, making the most of each trip, and limiting my time. E.g., travel to the burbs for cousin’s baby shower when I know grandma will be there and make a point to spend quality time with grandma at the event. Baby shower lasts 1.5 days? Great fam, looking forward to it, I’ll be there on the 11am train on Saturday and heading out at 4pm to catch the train to the city back because I have plans Sat night and Sun. I would try to strike a balance that feels good for me and allows me to live the life I want while still visiting with my family and making plans in my personal life so my weekends leave space to me to see friends, date, or just hang out in front of the TV. And I would try to make good use of the travel time back and forth by always having a book to read or movie to watch or coffee to drink I’m really looking forward to.

      I don’t see any issue with speaking to your parents daily and again, would make it work for my schedule – like having a quick check-in chat on my walk to or from work. My POV is that parents aren’t here forever, so I want to treasure that time (I say this as someone a bit older than you whose parents have passed, which I admit colors my view!)

      1. I’m not super rigid about the every 2 months thing, I just feel like I have to have some number to explain to them why I think their frequency is too high.

         My family is pretty judge-y. Family events can give me a lot of anxiety. The nicest way to say it is that my mom and I are not a personality match, and more importantly, werent growing up.

         I’ve been to therapy and put a lot of boundaries in place. Implausible as it may seem to others this is the improved version. A big thing is there are some topics we just don’t talk about and that’s best for everyone.

         1. I don’t think a rule like this will work with your parents. “Sorry, I can’t come this weekend” is the way to handle it. Don’t reason with them, defend yourself, bargain, etc.

            1. +1 If you try to set a “rule” then they’ll just argue with you about that rule.

            2. Agree with this, definitely. Don’t explain the rule or the frequency that you’re working towards. That’s your boundary, not one that you have to explain to them or for them to accept. Boundaries are much more powerful when you realize that you don’t have to explain them or get someone else to accept them – you just have to accept them and implement them in your life.

               Practically, to easy the transition, I would take up some hobby that involves a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning time commitment. So when they’re making plans, you can legit say “oh I can’t, I have xxx”. Softens the blow. They’re still not going to like it or understand it, but it gives you something more to say rather than I just don’t want to come every weekend.

         2. I think your question is a great topic for your therapist too.

         3. Other than weddings or funerals or annual holiday celebrations, where a particular schedule and time spent at the event may be generally understood, you are permitted to depart from a family get-together at your convenience, with no explanation, reasons, or justifications offered. “It was great seeing everyone (again), I’ll see you soon, but I’ve got to get going.” And then go. Good luck!

      2. +1 to being overly rigid. I think you can get more space without setting a hard and fast rule that you will not see them more frequently than once every two months.

   9. Many of these do sound like legitimate reasons to visit. This is an expensive solution, but figured I would throw it out there. Could you get a car? IME, public transit is really slow. How long would it be as a drive? That instead of it being a whole weekend event, you could drive down on Saturday morning and back in the evening. If need to, make up excuses – you have to work on Sunday, have plans with friends, etc. that would give you Friday night and all day Sunday. Overtime, you can scale back your time so you only come for the actual event, and not all day.

      Another option that works in my family is saying that you’ll never have time to meet someone and get married if you are at their house every other weekend. Are you having time to date? I would be hard for me to establish a serious relationship if I could only see someone every other weekend and once during the week

      1. This isn’t a situation that a car would improve.

         The dating point is a good one, and I’ve made it. Somehow then other things become more important than dating smh

         1. Side comment: it is funny (weird, not funny ha-ha) to me how some families will put incredible time burdens on their adult children and ask them to give up weekends and holidays to always be at family gatherings, and then also magically expect that somehow their child is going to find a spouse. Dating takes time; building a solid relationship takes time and space for just the two people in the couple to be together, without other people around. I’ve seen this in families of all backgrounds – white, South Asian, Latine, etc. and it’s always baffling to me. Mom, grandma and the aunties will lament that so-and-so is still single and in the next breath chastise the person for not being at the last family gathering. If people are always with their families of origin, how can they create a pair-bond with another person and develop a firm enough relationship foundation so they can go create their own family? And how do you know how to have a good relationship and healthy partnership with another independent adult – who is (hopefully!) not from your own family, when you’re still completely emotionally enmeshed with your parents/other relatives?

            1. Well in a lot of Indian families the parents are involved in the adult children’s dating lives. I don’t mean arranged marriage (at least not in the US) but the parents will introduce their children to the children of their friends who might be suitable partners. The family gatherings also usually include unrelated family friends and their adult kids. So it’s not necessarily totally incompatible with dating.

            2. Oh, you’ve described a set of my cousins. Of the 4 kids (all in their 40s at this point), only 1 is married. This is not by choice, trust me. I’m close to my parents and siblings, but I can only describe my cousins, aunt, and uncle as insular. As in, they gravitate so strongly to one another that there’s no space for anyone else.

      2. I wondered about this too. In my area (NoVA) 1.5 – 2 hours on public transportation is probably a 1/2 hour drive on the weekend. If you don’t need a car day-to-day does it make sense to get an Uber? Perhaps just for part of it? I imagine taking the Metro to the end of the line and then getting an Uber vs. waiting for an infrequent suburban bus. If the logistics of visiting were less onerous the visits themselves might seem less of a hassle.

      3. That’s funny… my first thought was “that’s great she can take public transportation” and then can read/listen to podcasts/watch shows etc… and use the time.

         1. Commuter trains are typically located in the city’s business district. If you live in a different neighborhood then you need to take a local bus or subway to get from your apartment to the commuter train station (which could be the opposite direction of your parents’ suburb). In my case I have to walk 10 minutes to the subway, wait for the subway, ride it 20 minutes to the business district, walk another 10 minutes to the train station, allow an extra 5-10 minutes of buffer time in case the subway was delayed, then ride the commuter train for an hour. Overall the train takes 2 hours and multiple legs while hauling my overnight gear vs. 45 minutes in a car. On top of that the commuter train has a limited schedule on weekends. I skipped many suburban events before I bought a car because the train was a such massive PITA. I can’t imagine doing that every weekend to appease my parents.

            1. Ok. That’s your life. Thanks for sharing.

   10. So only you know what you can handle. When I was single, I definitely talked to my parents daily, saw them multiple times a week, and even lived with them for a while. I’m married with kids now and I still talk to them almost daily and try to see them weekly. Only you can decide what’s too much for you, but I’m a pretty big believer in the power of showing up, even in unchosen obligations/relationships like family, because I know someday I’ll need and want people to show up for me. I guess the question that I had reading your post is what the piece is that is chafing for you – is it just the burden of the travel? Do you feel like your time is valued less or your milestones are less recognized because you’re single? Do you just need more alone time? Do you feel like these obligations are making it harder to root into and develop relationships in your neighborhood? I think if you’re internally clear about your “why,” establishing the limits that work for you will be easier.

       1. +1 million to the power of showing up. I’m white and not a first or second generation immigrant, but have always talked to my parents every day and would not miss family events like the ones you describe.

       2. “I know someday I’ll need and want people to show up for me.”
          My mom is a big believer in this. The thing is, I’m not sure if I want to get married / have kids, so objectively, they will not be showing up for me. My life is different enough that they won’t be helping me.

          I do show up, both in person and by being the entires family’s concierge / personal shopper / travel agent / etc. Honestly, I don’t mind that part and I do feel like they recognize it at least.

          I’m pretty clear about the why internally, its just not always acceptable to say out loud. The big things are I want to have my own life and have things to do, and I don’t think any of these people are ever going to do as much for me as my parents expect me to do for them.

          1. The thing is, though, marriage and kids aren’t the only time you need people to show up. Single people need a village too! One of my work colleagues, a single woman, just had a cancer diagnosis and emergency surgery at 39. From keeping your cats while you’re on vacation to helping out if you need some place to stay because the heat went out in your apartment on a 15-degree day to driving you home after outpatient surgery – it’s not just married people with kids who benefit from a network. Not to mention the emotional and mental health impacts of loneliness and disconnection.

             1. Agreed, I think OP is thinking about it too narrowly. What if you get sick or get your heart broken or a pet turns out to have significant needs? If you’d want emotional or logistical support from your family in any of these kinds of situations, you should show up for them. Relationships take time and effort to maintain, even with family.

             2. If we want to start counting, out of all these relatives the only one (other than parents / sister) who would be able to help are the cousin + her husband

                I didn’t grow up with her, saw her once every couple years until we were in our 20s

                I went apartment shopping with her.
                I helped move her into her grad school apartment.
                I planned her bachelorette.
                I flew halfway across the world for her wedding while extremely busy with work.
                I accompanied her while her husband had a procedure done.
                I planned the baby shower.
                I planned Mother’s Day at her apartment (which she wanted)

                I don’t think it’s fair to accuse me of not showing up or not being willing to.

                She baked me a cake for an important mid-pandemic work achievement, which I really appreciated and think about fondly.
                She came to my apartment for birthday/housewarming parties even though it was inconvenient for her.

                During this time I moved cities multiple times, graduated grad school, had 2 major health issues, dated and broke up with someone, etc etc

                Re the whole married vs single thing, I think this cousin is perfectly well meaning, but there are fewer socially-required opportunities for her to “show up”.

                I don’t think it’s worth doing this calculation, but if you want to here’s the data.

          2. OP — “I don’t think any of these people are ever going to do as much for me as my parents expect me to do for them” — Are you referring to your parents here? Because presumably they’ve already done a lot more for you then you will ever be able to do for them. Again, especially as immigrants.

             1. Parents, yes. All these relatives, no. I have had medical crises and my parents certainly helped but not all these relatives. My friends water my plants, none of these relatives live close enough to water my plants. It’s not possible for me to itemize this here, but all these relatives and family friends don’t even actually know me well enough to be there for me.

                If I had a bad relationship / heartbreak, it would not be considered appropriate to tell them. Other than a divorce or something else really obvious. It was not considered appropriate to tell them when I had severe ob-gyn issues, or when I was depressed. So there’s not a great track record there.

                It’s probably just better not to do this calculation and not to use it as a rationale for anything.

             2. Man, there are a lot of people who are working out their parental issues/guilt issues/family issues by commenting on the OP’s situation instead of picking up their phone and calling for a therapy appointment, which would 110% be a better and healthier choice.

                OP – you do not have to explain or justify yourself to anyone, especially the people here who seem enmeshed (and I am using that word with a negative connotation) with their own families and don’t seem to have good boundaries or any level of perspective. You need to do what you need to do. Don’t let other people’s baggage drag you down to a place you don’t want to be, and keep you there.

          3. Cora, it’s nice that you have had friends that “show up” for you until now but it’s also possible that some of those friendships will drift apart. Friendships in your 20s are different than in your 40s or beyond. Not all, but many are. Your friends may move out of the city as they start their own families and want to move closer to their families. Their weekends will be full of kid activities and they won’t be able or willing to drop everything to take you to a doctor. Hopefully this doesn’t happen to you, but I speak from experience when I say that in your 40s, it may be just the cousin who is willing to show up for you to water the plants and with whom you’re sharing your latest heartbreak.

             1. OMG please stop projecting your stuff onto Cora! Your crippling fear of loneliness and paralyzing fear of the uncertain future is your stuff! That has nothing to do with her!

                Have you used BetterHelp, by any chance? Post a burner and I will buy you a couple of sessions with a therapist. I am not even joking.

             2. Since OP mentioned she is in her 20s, I also wanted to add some longer-term perspective (something that took me a couple of decades to realize as an immigrant myself). I’m not South-East Asian, but I come from a country where the culture puts more emphasis on a sense of duty/obligation towards family and community than US culture does. In my 20s, I felt constrained by what I perceived as “old-time” rules. Now that my parents are older and need help, and I don’t live near them, I’m beginning to see that there is a pattern for how people show up for each other in difficult situations. People not just from the family (there aren’t that many extended family members still alive) but from friends and community. Some of these relationships were nurtured over time, in ways that I honestly didn’t pay attention to because I assimilated to American culture. Where my parents can draw on these community relationships for support pretty naturally, I’m beginning to realize that I haven’t invested in developing that, so if I had to ask a favor I wouldn’t even know about who to ask. This puts me in a position where paying for everything is the only answer, and sometimes even being willing to pay is not enough because you still have to find the right person before you can pay them.

                This is not to say that OP should (or shouldn’t be) going to all the family-related events – more of a comment about how things can look different in a longer term perspective. I don’t know if it would have helped for somebody to tell me this when I was in my 20s, but just in case…

             3. Anon @ 3:22

                I think the poster you are responding to is simply speaking from her experience. Life does get very different in your 40’s 50’s 60’s than in your 20’s and early 30’s. This includes friends network. One of the most common threads on this site is specifically about making / losing friends later in life. When I was in my 20’s I was fortunate to have a circle of older women friends and it was useful to learn from them. This happens a lot on this site, which is why I like it.

                The OP asked for input. Everyone is sharing their experiences. shrugs. Not sure why it deserved all of your exclamation points and pearl clutching ;)

   11. Just change your pattern without saying anything about it. When you start talking about your boundaries, your parents will react and argue. When you just don’t come as often or leave early or whatever you’ve decided works for you and you don’t announce it, it’s a lot easier to pull off. Have a few rotating excuses “friends birthday, work, repair person in apartment, etc.” to give in the moment to avoid discussing why you’re leaving. The TL/DR, just do, don’t explain.

       1. Also? Consider getting a car or a car share and driving instead of taking public transit. That’s probably adding a lot of time and burden to your weekends.

       2. Also? Consider getting a car or a car share and driving instead of taking public trains or the bus. That’s probably adding a lot of time and burden to your weekends

          1. No. OP does not need to buy a car (like – literally what??? What if she lives in NYC or Boston or Chicago where car ownership is a major burden??) or change up her entire transportation situation to accommodate her family’s unreasonable expectations. Wow – really, with this?

             1. Eh I bought a car to make it easier to see my suburban family on a regular basis

             2. Yes, really. I live in a major city and have a car to see family in the suburbs. It makes everything easier. I have the flexibility to come and go on my time and also to leave for a bit when I’m there. It’s absolutely something OP should consider.

             3. I posted a long comment above about how inconvenient the train can be. Many suburbanites don’t appreciate how difficult it is to get from a residential city neighborhood to the burbs outside of weekday rush hour.

                I agree that OP needs to limit visits for her sanity. My family members stopped pushing the weekly events once I explained why it’s not as easy as their commute to the office ten years ago.

       3. This. You don’t tell people your boundaries, you just live within them.

       4. I agree with this, at least to try. If you tell them, Oh I only want to see you every two months, that will go horribly. If you do a slow fade and start coming less often or shortening the visits, it will just become more normal. I also think it’s possible that you may want to end up seeing them more than every two months but right now you are so overloaded it’s pushing you to your limits. I think you just need to approach each event individually and decide what works for you.

       5. Agreed. It’s a lot easier to turn down individual events than make a big sweeping declaration. For starters, quit the overnight visits. You have a job, a social life, and a home to maintain. It’s unreasonable to give up your whole weekend every weekend. It’s fair to say you have plans with a friend or need to run errands that you don’t have time for during the work week. As a single adult you don’t owe your family your entire weekend.

          Before I had a car I turned down most suburb visits because public transit was too time consuming. You either need to find better a transportation option or reduce your visits. I felt zero guilt explaining to my aunt that I’m not attending her brunch because I won’t spend 4 hours traveling for anything other than a major holiday.

   12. I’m South Asian and pride myself on a close, loving relationship with my family. We have similar dynamics. They love us so much, and they want to see us all the time. It’s a wonderful problem to have. But you need to set some boundaries – not to keep them away, but to keep them close. Make a plan, and just start saying no to events that deviate from the plan. It’s hard. You won’t like it at first. They won’t like it at first. But it gets easier as you do it. At some point, you let go of the guilt. Give them what you can, but reserve some space, time, and energy for yourself. You only have one life to live. Some of this is on them, and some of this is on you.

   13. Hugs. This is a hard transition to make as we become adults. The only solution is setting and holding boundaries with our parents.

       In my situation, it was that my parents expected me (and my husband, after we got married) to spend every holiday with them – not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but also Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, etc. We were working a ton at that time and sometimes needed our long weekends (and our PTO!) to rest and decompress from our jobs. My mom laid a lot of guilt on us about “it just won’t be the same without the whole family together” and I bought into that – for about a year and a half. Then, my husband finally put his foot down. He was tired of driving 10 hours roundtrip in three days over and over and, p.s., he also had a family we were not seeing very much because my mom was trying to claim all of our time.

       The only solution for it is exactly what you put in your last sentence: “Mom, Cousin’s baby shower sounds like a great time but I have plans that weekend. Sorry I won’t be able to make it!” And that’s the end of the conversation. Remember that no is a complete sentence. You don’t need to justify or explain why you can’t travel 4 hours round trip every couple of weeks to attend family events. (P.S. – I know this is easier said than done, but what your sister does is none of your business and should have no bearing on your decision-making. She is living her life; you need to live yours.) You need time and space to yourself and you need to be able to hang out with your friends, date if you want to, clean your place, go chill in the park on a picnic blanket with a good book, or do whatever else matters to you, that helps you live your own best life. You are entitled to that, you deserve it, and you should have it. So hold your ground! It will get easier as time goes on, trust me.

   14. I had to do a hard reset of boundaries with my parents in my mid to late twenties (others probably go through this in their late teens or early 20s. It caused a lot of friction for a few years, but the relationship I have with them now is so much better.

   15. I wouldn’t say your solution out loud to them- just mentally aim for it. You choose the events. You may have more success aiming for 1 day every month rather than 2 days every 2 months, but play around and see what feels best to you. Make excuses and when there’s passive aggression just ignore/deflect. “So you don’t care about Aunt Karen enough to see her again before she leaves?” “It was so great to see her a couple of weeks ago, how is the baby doing?”

   16. “Mom, you know I love you and enjoy seeing you and the rest of the family, but I see you and talk to you so often I never get a chance to miss you. I also have realized that I need more time to unwind by myself and also need to nurture my friendships and other relationships, so I’m going to have to [insert your plan to stay for shorter lengths of time on each visit or decrease visit frequency] so that I have time to do that.”
       “Of course you know that I want to see cousin’s baby and I want to see grandma, but I don’t have to do those things every weekend for the entire weekend/every time grandma comes to visit for it to be true. It’s really hurtful/I don’t appreciate when you phrase things like that as an absolute when I’m just not able to do it as much as you want me to do it. There are many ways to love and support your family, and I need to do it in a way that works for me. I’ll see you all in two weeks for father’s day brunch, but then I’ll have to get back that afternoon so I have time to get ready for work on Monday.”

       1. I’m white and my partner is South Asian. This is very similar pattern I’ve noticed with his family and I don’t think this statement of needing time to miss you would resonate with his parents. It’s a different culture and there is no right or wrong. OP I think it would be helpful for you to zone on why you want to change things and it sounds like you want to have your own life. What has worked for my partner is what others have suggested—indicating a prior or competing commitment for why he can’t do all the things. Also slowly reducing frequency rather than all at once suddenly. It will help you deal with the guilt. Glad you are in therapy. I think it also helps to have a therapist that understands the difference between individualist culture and collectivist culture. Once I thought of things in those terms, it helped me understand my partner’s family better and some of the sources of friction.

          1. I was just using the phrasing the OP used above. If OP doesn’t feel she can actually say that to her parents, then she shouldn’t!

             I agree that she should just slowly reduce the frequency, but she’s 100% going to get called out on it and guilt tripped for it, and she needs to either be able to shrug it off and let her mom (it sounds like most of this is coming from her mom) just thinks she’s being a terrible daughter or have a few phrases in her back pocket to help her mom understand where she’s coming from and why she’s reducing visits. I like your comment about the difference between individualist and collectivist culture – I hadn’t thought about that angle and it’s a helpful frame.

   17. I’m also late 20s, single, eldest daughter (siblings still live at home) and live in the city while my family lives in the suburbs, however I’m only 45 mins on the train away.

       I see my family just about weekly. Sometimes for official events like you mention and sometimes just for dinner. I end up spending the night about half of the time I go out.

       I enjoy visiting them and we’re pretty close, so it’s not a burden.

       The only burden I feel is that while my siblings and I are nearby, my cousins all moved away and sometimes I have to do more of my share because my cousins aren’t here.

       My grandparents have since passed, but I visited frequently in their old age and declining health. I cleaned out their houses after they died. I occasionally have to help aunts and uncles with things (infrequent now, but I anticipate this will increase as they age and lose some capabilities). Obviously I will eventually have to care for my parents (but siblings are local so hopefully it will be pretty equal).

   18. Would renting a car for the visits help at all? Would it cut the travel time? Having a car gives more autonomy than a train schedule. Maybe you could start with once a month, and then go from there to every other month.

   19. Honest answer, we moved three hours away. Not for everyone, but it managed to get us on a once per quarter schedule.

   20. Some people don’t have much of a social life outside of family. In my family, it’s much more expected or at least tolerated for young single men to have an active social life than for women. Idk how they expect us to meet someone to marry and have children with if we only ever spend time with our own family members. I guess we’re just supposed to marry whomever our parents choose for us.

       1. From the comment above about Indian families trying to play matchmaker at family events, it sure sounds like that’s the idea. And – whatever, but immigrant parents should not be surprised when kids who were raised in America don’t want to do things “the old-fashioned way.” Even though I know they are.

   21. We are in almost identical living/demographic situations, except I am white & Irish Catholic which (IME) comes with similar but not as intense cultural norms around family events and guilt around time with the family. Also huge families so lots of events to have to attend!

       My two cents: my parents would see it as a massive slight if I only came around once every other month, especially if I made it known that I was purposefully limiting it to that much time. Seeing your family once a month is table stakes amongst my friends with the same background, and multiple times per month is common. Everything you’ve described around frequency and types of events involved is all familiar to me, if you’re looking for a data point on how normal it is.

       From your other replies, it sounds like the issue is having to come out multiple times to see distant relatives you don’t have much of a relationship with and getting guilted for not doing so. In those cases, I understand your frustration and I think boundaries are appropriate there–a breezy “Oh, no, can’t come out this weekend to see Aunt Jane again, but I’ll make sure to call/FaceTime her on X day to say goodbye!” when asked for repeat visits is good. but with things like family parties, weddings, baby showers, etc. are just kind of part and parcel of being part of large family unit, and I understand why it’s important to your parents that you’re there for them. You say your mom claims everything is a one off and an exception and tbh she’s kind of right! Weddings, baby showers, family-centric holidays, relatives visiting from (presumably) far away are all exceptions and one off or at last once a year things.

       (And to everyone saying to get a car–do the math on cost to uber multiple times per month vs get a car. I guarantee it comes out cheaper by a wide margin. I live about an hour/hour fifteen away from my parents on public transit, and 30-45 minutes by car and it’s about a 50/50 split on taking rideshare vs public transit depending on fast I need to get there or get back to my house. )

   22. There is more separation and independence in WASPy American families, for better or worse. I sometimes wish that I had been raised with summers with all of the cousins but that was the way it was for my family. When I got married, I hated having to spend even a full weekend once a month with the in-laws for big family events because I would prefer to spend time with my MIL one on one or shopping with my own mother. The question isn’t whether this a common – the question is whether you are comforable setting a loving boundry. It is not surprising that first and second generation kids will become more independant as they grow up. If you don’t want to spend so much time away from your own home, there is no reason to feel guilty.

7. I have some leggings but they seem to be of a compression type fabric that (I swear) compresses as I wear them, to the point that I fear a Chris Farley chippendales skit situation.

   Can anyone recommend good leggings that are stretchy (and opaque), preferably with pockets? And that breathe?

   Now that out weather has moved me out of fleece leggings (I mean, it is almost JUNE!), I need something that will stay up when I move. And not also encase any sweat.

   1. Leggings are not great for summer, IMHO. Sweat city, no matter how breathable.

   2. I agree that leggings are terrible for summer, but if you want stretchy leggings, Lululemon Aligns don’t have any compression.

   3. The high-waisted Tek Gear leggings from Kohls are my non-spendy favorite. They have versions with various side or back pocket configurations each season. As a size 14 pear I find the XL to fit comfortably and are the only brand I’ve found so far that stay up during all kinds of workouts. They are pretty stretchy so I could probably make a L work, but I don’t like my leggings too snug. They are opaque. I wouldn’t really consider leggings breathable for hot summer weather, but in cooler weather they aren’t sweat-inducing.

   4. Check out 32 Degrees (Costco has them and you can buy online). I don’t find them restrictive at all. Big pockets.

   5. I like Lululemon align leggings or anything from vuori. I wear them in the summer.

   6. I like Nike leggings. They’re opaque but really light, super flattering, and you can get them capri length if that is more summery to you.

   7. I have four pairs of Senita studio skin joggers – they are more like coffee leggings, but very slightly looser than leggings. They don’t have compression and they do have great pockets. Nothing like this will be great for true summer, but these are definitely better for warm weather than other leggings options I have tried.

   8. I just dealt with this! Look at American Eagle. You can search for legging with pockets (it’s a filter) and then look the level of support they have noted in the description. Lower elastic content means less compression so the ones I ordered are 15% or less and one bar or two bar (max 4 bars) level of support.

   9. You might try wearing pants. Seriously. A pair of lightweight chinos is much more seasonally appropriate and you’ll feel much more comfortable. No more Chris Farley situation.

8. Looking for recommendations for a duvet and duvet cover or comforter or other bed spreads. I want a hotel-like bed: fluffy, all white, inviting. I have the sheets and mattress taken care of but am struggling with the comforter and cover. Lots of duvets seem too flat and not as fluffy as what I want. And the duvet covers all seem too …nubby? I don’t even know how to put in words what I’m looking for, so just seeking recommendations from anyone who is happy with theirs!

   1. The Company Store has soft, non-nubby duvet covers. I like the no-iron ones.

   2. A friend of mine used to work at Pottery Barn and their secret was stuffing two duvets inside one cover. Maximum effort, maximum fluff.

      1. This makes perfect sense. Why didn’t I ever think of it?

         1. Also, speaking of Pottery Barn, I had their percale duvet cover and it was nice and smooth.

   3. What’s your budget for this? I get my duvets from Pacific Coast Down, and they’ve stayed fluffy for over a decade at this point. With duvet covers, I mean…the sky is the limit in terms of cost. I splurge massively on my bed since I spend so much time in it, so I have white Matouk sheets, which are amazing but I realize they are kind of ridiculously priced. I also did Yves Delorme for a few years, which was also good. For covers, you basically look for bedding brands you like and are in your price range and they will normally have cover options.

   4. I bought the Four Seasons bedding and it’s wonderful. Expensive, yes, but you sleep in your bed pretty much every night.

      1. I love that you did this.

   5. I think a duvet cover fabric has to be light or it squishes down the comforter (plus, if you have a king-sized bed, a velvet duvet, for instance, would weigh a hundred pounds and be difficult to fluff), so linen is my favorite, but percale if you want very smooth would work. If you get the heaviest down comforter you can and make sure it fits your cover, you’ll have pretty good fluff. If money is no object, buy them from the same place so you know they match. PB has lovely linen covers, but their comforters probably cost as much as a car. Down comforters in the store look flatter than in real life-they fluff up when unpacked.

   6. Exactly what another poster said – linen companies usually stuff two duvets into covers to make them fluffy, which would absolutely burn me up. If there’s a specific hotel you’re wanting to imitate, browse around the internet to find their supplier or purchase directly from them. I stayed in a hotel in Switzerland and loved their duvet, which was from Hanse Bedding Products and bought one from their site.

      As for covers, linen or brushed cotton has a nice, soft feel. I’ve been pleased with my purchases from Serena and Lily.

   7. Fluffy = down duvet.

   8. +1 down comforter insert. Look for down with a higher power fill value (measurement of the loft volume of an ounce of down). Love our Bloomingdale’s house brand “luxury” white goose down one. Very fluffy and not heavy; warm but still feels breathable.

   9. You might like to check out Garnet Hill — luxury, yet accessible linens.

9. Posting again because I accidentally posted on the holiday thread – thanks to those who responded.

   How close are you to your families as adults? How often do you speak to your parents/siblings on the phone? If they are local, do you see them regularly? Do they come by without notice? Do they have keys to your home? In full disclosure, this question is coming from issues with my in-laws, who are very nice but have absolutely no boundaries. And yes, I know the solution is to talk with DH and we have, but his perception of what’s normal is just so different than mine. On the other hand, my mother hated my father’s family and it caused issues, and I wished we were closer when I was growing up, so I don’t want to go nuclear on my in-laws (again, generally very nice people), especially for the sake of my children who love their grandparents/uncles and aunts/cousins. I know this is family-specific, just curious what everyone’s normal is, after a weekend of getting a little overdosed on unexpected family time. My family isn’t local, I left for college at 18 and they are a flight away. I consider myself close to them, but I call my parents once or twice a week and exchange text messages/send pictures of our children a few times a week. We generally visit them or vacation with them about two weeks a year.

   1. I see my sister about every two weeks, my parents at least once a week, and I text with all of them every day. We can all get into each others homes, but would never stop by unannounced.

   2. Your issue isn’t about what is normal; it’s about what you are comfortable with. If it makes you uncomfortable for his parents to have a key to your house, then they should not have one. If it makes you exhausted, tired, or stressed to have a weekend unexpectedly eaten up with extended family time, that’s fine.

      It’s the job of his family to respect your boundaries. It isn’t cute or amusing to trample over people’s boundaries, wildly overstay your welcome, or commandeer people’s weekends.

      1. I agree with this. I don’t think there is a normal. There is a “what you’re comfortable with and what works for you individually and as a couple.”
         I’m very close to my parents and have a key to their house, but I never go over without texting or calling first to make sure the timing works for them. I live about one mile from them. I talk to them and or text them at least once a day about various things. We live about 30 miles from DH’s parents and he isn’t that close to them. He also has a key to their house and never calls or texts before going to their house, and no one seems to mind. I would not be comfortable with either set of parents just showing up at our house regardless of whether they had keys. While I alone do last-minute stuff with my parents, we usually don’t do unplanned stuff with either set of parents together. Is there an option for your DH to spend more time with his family without you than he does? While I see my parents probably 4 times per week for visits ranging from 15 minutes to 5 hours, DH sees them about 1 time per month. I like spending tons of time with them, and he likes seeing them ocasisonally. So splitting up works well for us.

   3. I moved abroad when I was 26, and when I was 36, my parents moved to Europe to be closer to me and my son. They are a 3-hour flight away and we see them every 2 months or so, which is amazing. They fit in our lives so easily, they do the school run, help with projects, have their own routines in our town (the librarian and the cafe owner ask how my parents are…). We tend to call while we’re having breakfast on Sunday, and we whatsapp chat pretty much everyday. I should call my mom more.

      My in-laws…. I think I’m naturally tetchy because they are awkward and full-on and I don’t like how they act like I somehow saved or fixed him. My husband is a fantastic, loving person and a wonderful husband/father, but he had a tough adolescence, bumbled a bit, diagnosed with ASD in his 30s. My MILs live 4 hours away, my FIL in North America. We see the mothers every 3 months or so, they come up, but I travel a lot for work, and if I strategically suggest dates, I can let them come whilst I’m away and let them monopolise my son. They wind him up, I get mad and correct the behaviour, and they act like I’m abusive for enforcing behaviour standards.

      FIL moved when we got married and has been back 2x and refused to come to our house to see our baby because it was raining??

      I think I’m quite cold hearted and have really worked on just ignoring my in-laws because it’s not fair to put my husband in the middle when I complain about them. I let him vent but don’t join in.

   4. My mother lives a 6-hour drive away. We have a long phone call every month or two and visit for a week once a year. This is consistent with how she related to her parents when I was a kid. My in-laws live nearby but travel a lot. My husband goes to lunch with his dad about once a month. His parents show up for kid events whenever they are available. Otherwise we see them maybe every other month. We don’t talk on the phone except for logistics. MIL and I also catch up via text once in a blue moon.

      We like and enjoy spending time with all of our parents, but we are busy and so are they. My in-laws have 8 kids and 22 grandkids and great-grandkids to pay attention to, and they have their own activities and still run a business part-time. My mom is raising my sister’s kids. My husband and I have a teenager who does one million activities, we both work, and I do a lot of volunteer work.

   5. I’ve lived thousands of miles away from my family since I was 18 and only talk to them once every week or so, but this just isn’t a question where you can tell your spouse that he’s wrong because people on the internet have different ideas of normal. People’s families are people’s families and they all have their own idea of normal that is very, very hard to change. Unless they want to change it, this is mostly one of those things that you just have to live with when you decide to marry someone. You can try to set some boundaries to make it a little easier to live with, but you can’t just decide that he’s wrong and abnormal and doing a highly class biased survey of internet strangers to use as ammunition against him is definitely not the way to go about it.

      1. I get that. To be honest I’m not really looking for ammunition, more for help reframing my own mindset. It seems to me like they are unusually close, but then I’ve been thinking the way I have been raised isn’t necessarily the norm either. I do enjoy spending time with them; I think the bigger issue for me is the “without notice” thing. I’m a planner and an introvert, and even if what I have planned is a day of doing nothing, I get really thrown and overwhelmed when that suddenly becomes a busy day of family barbecues. But I have known that some level of family proximity was part of what I was marrying into, so I’m trying to draw reasonable boundaries without hurting any relationships.

         1. I get it. I think the solution is letting your household and kids see them while you opt out and get some time to yourself. I’m your DH in this scenario (my parents are very local and very involved in our lives) but I wouldn’t care if DH wanted to stay home or go do his own thing while kids and I are with my parents. I would be annoyed if he was telling me I couldn’t see them or take the kids to see them.
            And work on boundaries about them dropping by unannounced – we see my parents basically every day but they still don’t come over without a text in advance and that seems kind of inappropriate to me even for families that are super close.

            1. *Letting your husband and kids see them

         2. By all standards of humans in all places and times, we are definitely the weird ones. It’s very, very strange to live far away from our families and to not have them in and out of our houses at all times (or even to have separate houses).

            I think it’s also fair to ask them to understand that you did grow up differently and that you don’t always want to participate in those things, but once you start calling him abnormal, it gets a lot harder to have those conversations without them feeling personal and judgmental. They can have a barbecue and you can just do your own thing sometimes, without it being a comment on them, just that you need some down time (hopefully).

         3. Do you have to go, every single time? I mean, yes, there are some occasions that you can’t say no to without coming across as unsociable, but DH and I are both okay with spending time with our families without both of us being in tow. It’s fine if I take the kids to go hang out at my parents’ place on a Sunday afternoon. It’s also fine if he wants to go to his large extended family’s barbecue and I decide not to go every time. (I mean, they are probably judging me for it, but at the end of the day, if DH is fine with it, it’s really not their business.)

            1. The problem is that we have the biggest home and yard so gatherings are almost always at our house. I really don’t mind if DH wants to take the kids to his parents’ house from time to time, but if they come over to our place it’s hard for me to say hey I’m heading out to go to the store or whatever – although I do occasionally do that, it always seems kind of rude.

            2. Can you host the holidays or “formal” gatherings but let someone else host the more casual get together and let your husband bring the kids to those while you stay home?

            3. It sounds like maybe your husband maybe needs to be more proactive about taking the kids to their house? If they’re dropping by frequently, it sounds like he’s not going over as much as they’d like. I agree it’s awkward to leave every time they show up at your house, but it’s fine for him to go over there regularly without you.

   6. Every time my brother gets my number, I change it. My parents live 45 miles away and I see them when I cannot avoid it. I call or text once a week out of obligation and nothing more.

   7. My 3 sisters, parents and I all live within about 10 minutes of one another. There are a bunch of grandkids. We’re close but no one has keys and our rule is no unannounced drop ins. We’ve definitely done the “I’m the in the area, have an hour to kill before Activity, can we stop in” phone call, and sometimes the answer is no. But we’d never just show up unannounced. Also, we have to plan to see one another, despite being so physically proximate. We all have jobs, obligations, need our own downtime, etc. My family dynamic is far from idyllic, but this is one set of boundaries we seem to have down and works for everyone. I’d say we see one another every other week but we’ve also gone 4 weeks between seeing one another. I’m also sensitive to DH and overloading him with my family. So if we see family 2x in a weekend for whatever reason, I try to remember that the following – maybe leave him behind if we’re just doing a casual cousin thing the following weekend.

   8. Since you asked for opinions, I don’t consider a couple texts per week to be “close”, but I have a high bar for relationships. My husband would – but he has barely any idea what’s happening in the lives of his siblings, other than broad strokes like “this kid is graduating and this sister is having a baby.”

      I text with my whole family many times a day. One particularly text heavy day, I counted and one of my sisters and I had exchanged 160 texts! And that doesn’t include the family chain. Maybe that sounds nuts to some of you, but my family is basically my best friends and we talk about everything. We have lived about 1.5-2 hours apart my whole married life and we still get together (at least most of us) at least once a month; it’s very important for us that the cousins are close, and I genuinely love visiting my parents and sisters and being “home”.

      That said, we are coming off a year of house hunting during which we lived with my parents for 6 months. It was not all sunshine and roses and we were thrilled to find our own house. If we were local, I’d probably want to see them at most a few times a weeks (and I wouldn’t make my husband go visit that much – I’m talking meet to go shopping or at a playground for most meetups).

      We see my in-laws much less often, but still at least once a quarter.

      1. This is fascinating! I can’t even imagine texting with my husband 160 times a day. How do you get anything else done?

         1. My mind is reeling, seriously. I am just not interesting enough to have that much to talk about with any other human being, and if I’m being honest – there’s no way I’m that interested in any other human being’s life. And I text with my friends and family a few times a week, but 160 times in one day???

            1. Ha I know it sounds crazy, and this was an unusual/particularly heavy day, which is why I counted. We are also the types to send each sentence as a different text. But that said, we each have three kids so talk a lot of kid stuff, current events, shopping help, gossip about the rest of our family, general funny stories from our days, etc.

               I am a pretty big introvert, and my sisters are among the handful of people I feel totally comfortable with, so they get the bulk of my convos. None of you text a lot with your best friend?

            2. Nope. I have one close friend I probably send 20 texts to a day and my best friends I might text with once a week.

            3. I didn’t think it was that weird. I have a best friend that I’ve probably sent that many texts to in a day. We don’t text daily, and regularly go a few weeks without talking, but when we happen to both have downtime at the same time we will text back and forth for 30 minutes or more and I’m sure the number of texts could be 150+. We’re also the type to text each sentence/phrase as a separate text.

   9. First of all, there is no set “normal,” and it sounds like your family culture and your DH’s are very different.

      Normal for me = text my siblings several days a week. Talk to my parents on the phone at least weekly, sometimes more often. I see one of my sisters weekly because we live nearby. Another sister, I see probably monthly. My brother, more sporadically because our schedules don’t align well and we live an hour apart. I prefer to see my parents at least a couple times a month.

      DH’s mom lives 1.5 miles from us. He sees her several times a week, sometimes with or without the kids. I don’t see her that often. But he definitely has the keys to her house. She would never pop over without notifying us first.

   10. This varies soooo much by family.

       My family is toxic, and I am not really close with most of them. I have one cousin who I see weekly (we have a standing activity), but I never see anyone else. My parents have passed away. Depending on their care, I’d typically see them once a month and talk on the phone once or twice a week. After my mother died, I’d talk to my father more often, but not as long each time.

       My boyfriend, on the other hand, is very enmeshed with his immediate family. We see his parents at least 3-4 times per week. Not for long each time, necessarily, but they drop in here and we drop in there. He sees his brother every couple of weeks. I know his parents see his brother probably every few days as well. Brother and parents have keys to our house and vise versa. They also celebrate every birthday, holiday, AND anniversary together! He talks to aunts and uncles on the phone just a few times per year (they live in a different state), but there is a large family vacation with the aunts and uncles every year somewhere in New England. We haven’t been to that (we are in the south), but his parents go every year. It’s overwhelming and not relatable to me, but it’s also lovely. Luckily (and miraculously), no one crosses any boundaries. They plan it all in advance, no one overstays their welcome, etc.

       1. “Enmeshed” is a pretty strong word for plain ‘ol closeness. You wouldn’t know it on the internet, but some people actually do like their families and get along with them.

          1. +1 they don’t sound enmeshed, they sound close.

          2. Yeah, enmeshed has a negative connotation to me. It suggests co-dependence. I think you can be close and spend a lot of time together and not be “enmeshed.”

       2. I’m the Anon from 10:33, and I didn’t mean “enmeshed” in a bad way. Maybe I used it wrong? I just meant they’re all very involved in one another’s lives — they do things like pick up prescriptions for each other, run errands for each other, go to the market together, exchange leftovers all the time, etc. They know a lot about everything in everyone’s lives. Like I said in my post, I think it’s lovely. I wish I’d been able to be so close with my family!

          1. This sounds like they are enmeshed to me, without that being a bad thing.

          2. If your husband is happy with his relationship with his family, why do you need to question it? Are you asking how other people do it to have data points on how wrong he is?

             1. Huh? I’m not the OP (I’m the person above who apparently used a word that not everyone is happy with!)

                I don’t question it at all. The OP asked how often people see their families, so I was providing a data point. Again, as I’ve said twice above, I think his familial relationship is lovely.

          3. Enmenshed is a term of art to describe unhealthy co-dependent relationships. It shouldn’t be used to describe (varying degrees of) healthy closeness.
             Even in its usage unrelated to human relationships, enmeshed has a negative connotation akin to entrapment or relating to a power structure in a negative way (the fish became enmeshed in the plastic netting; he was enmeshed with organized crime)

   11. I would say I’m quite close with my family, though we still do have the regular family annoyances (which mostly stem from me being the eldest daughter and dealing with eldest daughter problems).

       I purposely moved back to my home city to be closer to family; I live downtown and my parents, sister, and most of my extended family live in the suburbs, about 30-65 mins away.

       I see my parents / sister (she’s 25 and still lives at home) probably 3x a month. 9 times out of 10, I am going over to their house for Sunday dinner. Occasionally we meet up somewhere else for an activity. Very rarely do they come to my apartment, which I do have mixed feelings on (hosting can be expensive and work, but I hate always having to commute).

       I talk with my mom on the phone 1-2 times a week, and with my dad on the phone maybe once a month. Usually phone calls with parents are about logistics, but my mom and I also chat so we can gossip.

       If I go more than 2 weeks without seeing my family, I feel guilty. This is totally self-imposed and they don’t guilt trip me to visit at all.

       When I move to the suburbs, I do plan on moving to either my parents’ town or a neighboring town. They do have a key to my apartment now, but never use it (my parents are a little afraid of the city, due to the current crime rates). I would absolutely give them a key to my suburban house, and would expect that they’d have reason to use it on occasion. I likewise have a key to their house.

       I very rarely get the “I’m in the neighborhood, what are you up to?” text or call from a relative, and almost always invite them over. I do the same to them, slightly more often.

       My cousins all moved away, but all of my aunts and uncles are nearby. I have some I see / talk to almost as much as my parents, and some I only see / talk to at holidays.

       Growing up, my entire extended family was in my metro area. We saw my mom’s parents probably twice a week growing up. It was almost always an unplanned stop by on our way home from school. My dad’s dad and step-mom were less involved, and were more likely to stop by our house than we were to stop by their house. Growing up, my dad’s brother and his family lived next door to us, so we did impromptu family dinners almost weekly together.

       Long story short, I did grow up in a family that sees and talks to each other very frequently, including impromptu gatherings. As an adult, I have a similar relationship with my family and expect the get-togethers to increase once I move closer to my family. If my partner wasn’t okay with this, it would likely be a deal breaker.

       I am biased that my immediate family and some of my extended family is very easy to get along with; I really avoid my more difficult extended family members. Life is too short to get bogged down with a difficult relative.

   12. I come from a family where we do a whole family Sunday dinner each week: my parents, my siblings and I and our partners and our kids. Sometimes some of my aunts / uncles / cousins. I love it.

       I know this isn’t “normal” in 2023, but my family is close and I love that we can do this.

       1. I love that!

   13. *My husband and I like each other’s families and now that we have a kid they’re even more of a priority. Our friends social life has definitely taken a hit because we’ve prioritized family. My answer would definitely change if we didn’t like each other’s family.

       My parents and siblings live across the country, my in-laws all live within a 45-minute drive. I call my parents weekly (now FaceTime with the kid), my siblings hop on that call when they can. We fly and visit them twice a year, since kid they’ve flown to visit us about twice a year (so we see them about quarterly). Visits are usually 5-7 days and we stay with them/they stay with us so it’s a lot of family time.

       We spend time with in-laws 1-2 times per month. It’s always us driving to them. Now with kid it’s usually a full day thing since she’s napping.

       Typing this out it sounds like we see each family for about 20-something days/year which sounds about right.

   14. Posted this in the thread above: I communicate with my parents at least once a week (by phone or text) just to check in. They live 8 hours away from us, and we see them (either we go there or they come here) 2-3 times a year. I consider that to be “close.” The most important thing is, it’s the closest I want to be to them.

       I love my parents, but my mom is very similar to the mom from Six Feet Under, if people remember that show: kind of emotionally unstable; poor boundaries; wants much more from people than they are willing to/capable of giving and doesn’t understand that people react to her the way they do because of her unpredictable and inappropriate behavior. I need very strong boundaries with her to not have her basically take over my life, and do things like get a key to my house and let herself in unannounced at the worst possible time. My parents used to live 45 minutes away from us and we saw them once a month minimum, but we never gave them keys to our house and a couple of times when my mom drove over unannounced (and we weren’t home) we just told her – sorry, we have plans, next time tell us you’d like to come over and we can figure out a time that works for everyone. I felt bad, but we had previously communicated they needed to call before coming over and she ignored that, to her own inconvenience.

       So, OP, while I do agree that “when you marry someone you marry their family,” and some level of flexibility and compromise is needed, you do need to figure out your boundaries and communicate them to your spouse. And your spouse needs to hold those boundaries, because there’s also that whole thing (if we’re getting Biblical) about children “leaving their parents and cleaving unto their spouse,” meaning the spousal relationship has priority. What you want also matters, and your husband can have a good relationship with his family without them taking over your life and your home. It’s just a matter of figuring out what you want and what he wants – what your in-laws want kind of doesn’t matter, frankly – and then setting and communicating those boundaries. I would not be okay with my in-laws (if I still had any) letting themselves in unannounced. I would not be okay with having my weekend get hijacked by unplanned, undefined and interminable “family time,” especially multiple weekends in a row. You have to say these things to your spouse, and then your spouse has to find a way to communicate with his family.

       Barring that, the next time people show up at your house unannounced and look like they’re settling in for a weekend-long stay, I would fake a work call and suddenly have to go on an “unexpected business trip” overnight to some nearby location (even if that’s completely unlikely to happen over a holiday weekend) and split. Go get a hotel overnight and get some time to yourself. Your husband, at least, will get the message.

       Some things only get fixed when you clearly and unequivocally communicate your boundaries, and enforce them. My alone time is so important to my mental health that I would have no problem coming across as the “odd” or “standoffish” person, because too much time with others – even my husband, even my kid – completely drains my mental battery and leaves me unable to be a good partner, parent, daughter, friend, employee, etc. It’s fine for you to have your limits, know your limits, and enforce your limits.

       1. I have to say I really dislike this passive-aggressive style of conflict resolution. It may be effective but for all the wrong reasons.

   15. I live a few blocks away from my parents. I see them for dinner generally once a week. We text occasionally. They would never come by without notice (because I’ve worked on setting boundaries) and they don’t have a key (although I keep meaning to get mine copied so they have one in case of emergency – but I know they wouldn’t use it without my permission).

       In-laws with no boundaries is my nightmare.

   16. I spent my 20s living a plane flight away from my parents. In those days I talked to them daily if I could (not always possible given location and job). Moved home at 31 and talk to my parents daily, see them at least once a week, and we have keys to each others’ houses. When I lived closer I def went by their house without calling – I lived in a condo with limited parking so they didn’t drop in on me. Now I’m 35 minutes away so random drop-ins don’t happen, but we do a lot of sort of announcing we’re coming by rather than asking. Technically it’s an ask but the assumed answer is yes.

       My husband loves my parents and I love his; if his lived in our state I’d be happy to have the same relationship with them.

       We expect my parents to move in with us eventually, although they’re currently resistant to the idea. I think it would be most likely to happen after one of them passes.

   17. I live a 2.5-3 hour drive from my brother and a 7 hour drive from my parents. I moved away for college and never came back (and my parents no longer live in my hometown, anyway). I talk to my parents about once a week. I don’t ever talk to my brother outside of when I see him in person. We will text if we have a specific question. It’s not that we don’t like each other, we’re just both introverts without a lot of common interests, so we just don’t talk. I see my parents and brother probably 4-5 times a year–christmas, thanksgiving, 4th of july, and a few random times throughout the year. My mother kind of stresses me out, so I Iike living far enough away they can’t drop by randomly.

   18. The only person who has a key to my house and doesn’t live here is our former babysitter (kids are young adults now) who sometimes does pet sitting/plant watering kind of things for us while we are away.

       My family live far from me – our parents are dead but my two siblings live far enough away not to be able to just pop in – one is a 4 1/2 hour drive, one is a 3 hour flight. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with anyone having a key to my place that I didn’t trust deeply and completely.

       You’re the boss of your keys! Take them back!

       1. Just coming to say that my key code door lock was life changing. Everyone who might need access has their own code that can be revoked or restricted as needed. And it tells me who has unlocked the door and when.

          So when water started pouring out from under my garage door I would give my neighbor a code to get in and shut it off when I was 3 hours away – and then turn that code off once the emergency was over.

   19. I live across the world from my family. Dysfunctional relationship with my mom (sometimes verbally abusive but also my biggest champion?). Dad is gone. I talk to mom maybe once a month, and see her one or two times per year for extended vacations (week or two). I also see my sister during those times too. Mom doesn’t visit me in my location but has my address. Sister sometimes visits, and sister and I talk maybe once every other week for an hour or two (and I look forward to that!). I feel deeply emotionally connected to mom but not emotionally close (and more often than I would like emotionally unsafe), if that makes sense. I feel emotionally close and connected to my sister. We’re in our late 30s.

   20. Your boundaries will be tailored to the person on the other side of that line. DH’s parents have a key to our house because they will use it only for true emergencies or when asked. My parents do not have a key because they can’t be trusted to not barge in unannounced. DH talks to his family probably daily, because they chat for a few minutes and understand people have to get on with their day. I talk to my parents on Sundays at noon for no longer than 1.5 hours because every conversation is an interrogation about the minutest detail of my life and everyone I know, followed by judgmental rantings, and ending a call results in begging and cajoling and guilting me to subject myself to the interrogation for even more time. It is too stressful and time consuming to talk to them more than once a week. People who are generally kind and respectful will get more space in my life. People who are not will not.

   21. A data point: I am very close to my parents, who live about 20 minutes away. We communicate (phone, text, FB messages) several times a week, often just sending a funny meme or a photo. We usually have dinner once a week and probably do something together on the weekend at least once a month (sometimes both parents; often just my mom). My adult daughter joins us for the weekly dinner roughly every other week (she has work commitments the other weekend) and she has breakfast or lunch with my Mom on her own about once a month. None of this is set in stone if someone is on vacation or has other plans, although other plans usually means we re-schedule rather than cancel.

       I have a key code door lock and they have a code. I have a key to their door. Occasionally one of them will stop by. They usually tell me they are coming but very occasionally will just stop by without notice (usually when they know I am not home and they just want to drop something off). Since I am single and live alone now that my daughter is grown, them having access to my house is as major convenience. If I get stuck at work or my flight home gets delayed, they can come take care of my pets and I routinely house sit for them when they travel.

       This all seems very normal to us and works because my parents are the world’s least interfering people, but of course individuals vary quite a lot. I salute your recognition that you do not need to carry the issues with your family of origin with you forever, regardless of where you finally land on the closeness spectrum.

       1. +1 to “my parents are the world’s least interfering people.” I see my local parents quite a bit more than you do (although I have young kids and a lot of me ‘seeing’ them is them helping us with childcare), but it for sure only works because they’re very hands off. They wait for invitations to join our plans and they never expect us to bend our social calendars or the kids’ social calendars to suit their needs. It would be a disaster if my in-laws lived locally.

10. I am having trouble sleeping again as the weather has turned and it is getting light so early, plus the GD birds are So.Dang.Loud. At 430 or 5! Sometimes I also get secondary insomnia when I wake up to go to the bathroom at 2 am and then start thinking about all the kids’ activities for the next week, etc., and then I stay awake for a couple of hours. I’m sure this could also be peri-menopause-related – I am 44.

    Suggestions? I already have a fan in the bedroom, but are there earplugs people use that are comfortable for sleeping in? I can also dig out my eye mask. Should I try decreasing fluids later in the day (and if so, when?) so that I don’t wake up as early to go to the bathroom? Melatonin? TIA!

    1. I have found that magnesium supplements at bedtime help with staying asleep.

       1. Yes, these are great!

    2. Melatonin helps me a bit with this. But OMG yes the birds are so freaking annoying this time of year.

    3. So loud! We have a screech owl that wakes me just as I’m drifting off, and the party in the menagerie starts about 4am…. No advise, just commiseration.

    4. I also woke at 2 to pee, and at 3:30 when the cat vomited and still hadn’t fallen back asleep when she started crying and scratching outside the bedroom door at 4:30 and I gave up and starting reading on my phone because my alarm goes off at 5:30 and I knew I wouldn’t get enough sleep before then to bother. So lots of sympathy, but not a lot of ideas. I already don’t drink much in the evening, run a fan, have blackout shades, and am still on birth control (so hormone therapy would be irrelevant at this point). I never have trouble falling asleep, but once I wake up because of the cat or to pee I have so much trouble getting back to sleep, and it’s getting to be a real problem.

    5. No real advice, but I found silicone earplugs are far more comfortable than foam earplugs. My biggest worry wearing earplugs is that I won’t hear my phone alarm, so I’ve never actually worn them a whole night when I have work the next day. And I find true blackout shades (maybe paired with blackout curtains) are better than an eye mask in terms of comfort.

    6. My main tip for falling back asleep is to listen to a podcast or audiobook in the dark in your sleeping position. Listening prevents my brain from thinking about other topics. I don’t fret about how fast I fall asleep either. I just enjoy the book and sleep when I sleep.

       Blackout curtains are good too.

       1. This, plus I tell myself that I will call in sick the next day if I’m too tired. I never actually have to because letting go of the pressure to fall asleep helps me to do just that.

    7. I’m right there with you, and thinking of getting better blackout curtains/custom blackout blinds. The ones we have have a gap, our bedroom gets the morning light and it’s ridiculously bright in there these days.

    8. I find that I can’t really drink much at all after 7 PM if I don’t want to pee overnight. I struggle with falling back asleep if I have to wake up to use the bathroom so it’s worth it to me to limit the liquids.

    9. I take a CBD gummy before bed and most of the time that helps me sleep through the night. But last night I was up a couple of times to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I’m not doing well this morning. The birds are real jerks, though. Not sure what to do about them. If I want to guarantee I sleep through the night, half of a THC gummy will knock me out

    10. My sleep goes to hell in July and August, so you have my sympathies. Melatonin, and anything you can do to keep the room cool will help. Blackout curtains. Eye mask if you’re getting really desperate. The middle of the night waking up is hard, and definitely could be related to perimenopause. I would try to drink as little as possible in the evening.

    11. If you take any allergy meds, could you try switching from taking them in the AM to taking them at night before bed?

    12. Ear plugs and eye mask. I just use the foam ones you get at the drug store.

    13. I can sympathize with the 2am bathroom wake up!

    14. Do you snore? I’ve heard that people with sleep apnea have been told that they really aren’t waking up to use the bathroom, the sleep apnea is waking them up. Once you get that under control, you stop waking up so much through the night. Otherwise, I would cut fluids off around 2 hours before bed. Blackout curtains will go a long way here as far as light in the window. White noise machine will cut down on the bird noise.

    15. Commiseration from a fellow lifelong insomniac. TBH I’ve been waking up to pee in the middle of the night for years (I’m late 30s). I’m not sure there’s much to be done about that, and you definitely shouldn’t deny yourself liquids later in the day/evening if you are thirsty. FWIW, I’m not sure it’s always that I wake up because I need to pee, so much as I wake up for whatever reason and can’t fall back to sleep because I kind of need to pee.

        For the birds, have you tried using a sound machine or sound app? You might just need something louder than the fan to help drown them out. I also don’t find that the birds are loud enough to wake me up, but if I’m already awake (because I woke up at 4 am and can’t fall back to sleep right away because my brain won’t shut up) they will keep me up. It sounds like this might be what’s going on for you too?

        I’ve never tried melatonin or magnesium for my insomnia as others have suggested, but the occasional dose of Benadryl or OTC sleeping med do help.

        1. +1 to the last sentence of the first paragraph. I do not wake up to go to the bathroom at home, but when I’m camping or in a hotel room with my noisy family something will wake me up and then I can’t get back to sleep until I use the bathroom.

    16. I am so with you on the gd birds. I have giant fig trees on the south wall of my house right outside the south facing bedroom windows. Generally wonderful, because bare limbs let southern light in in the winter but heavy foliage blocks sunlight in the summer. Also, figs! But the birds love sitting in them, start their bs at 4:30 am this time of year, and it’s about 8 feet from my head. “Effing birds” are not the ideal first words of the day.

11. How much do you share about your therapy sessions with your partner?
    I started counseling a couple weeks ago and generally give my husband a short run down of things we’ve covered. Nothing super specific but things like oh I need to work on putting up better boundaries with work.
    The problem is I feel like my husband almost uses that against me when that issue comes up later. Say I’m checking a work email after hours he will call me out on it. Part of me says that’s great because he’s trying to hold me accountable but his tone isn’t always great and it makes me feel defensive and then I get mad.
    Is the simple solution here just to keep it to myself or stop being so defensive when he brings up things I truly need to work on.

    1. You know your situation best, but I would think this is your DH’s way of trying to support you in the changes you want to make. But if it’s making you mad, tell him that you don’t want his help in that way.

    2. Yeah that sounds not great. My husband and I are both in therapy (separately) and never report what we discussed to each other after the appointment. Occasionally we’ll say something like, “I was just talking about this with my therapist…” but we respect each other’s privacy in terms of the content of each appointment. Like, to me the point of therapy is a totally private conversation, and I would neeever feel obligated to share with him the content of it.

    3. ONG no, he should not be doing this. He isn’t “holding you accountable;” he is massively overstepping.

       The solution is that your husband understands that he isn’t a therapist and you being in therapy is not an excuse to police your behaviour.

       Sorry if that was strident….

    4. I share almost nothing with my partner post-therapy. Therapy is my time to deal with my own problems, and I want to drive my own accountability. I don’t want my partner to nag / remind / be part of that cycle.

       1. +1, my husband knows I am in therapy but that’s it. I don’t share what we discuss. I do implement some of the suggestions and changes we’re working on into my life, but I don’t ever provide a rundown per se.

          1. +2

             I would never tell my partner the details of my therapy….

       2. Agreed. Only time I told my husband about therapy was if it was something that pertained to us. Either I was contemplating a change that would affect him or if our relationship came up (in general we have a “rule” that we don’t talk to other people about our relationship- we talk to each other about it).

    5. I think you need to do two things:
       1. Stop sharing so much about what is going on in therapy. Certainly not every visit. It’s fine to tell him something general (like the example you gave here about working on boundaries with work) but I would not come home from an appointment and rehash what was talked about. If you’re telling him because he’s asking, it’s ok to be vague/not go into any details or just tell him you’d rather keep those conversations between you and your therapist and will tell him about anything if he needs to know.
       2. USE YOUR WORDS AND TELL HIM that you don’t like the tone he uses when he calls you out on a work email. I agree with others that he is trying to be supportive and help hold you accountable, but there’s a way to do that without nagging or using a tone that puts you on the defensive. Presumably you’ve known each other long enough to know what kinds of tones/ways of speaking get under each other’s skin. Call him out on using that tone and ask him to use a different one that (historically) doesn’t put you on the defensive. I’m coming from someone whose parents are unable to have a simple conversation without devolving into a yelling match because they both use adversarial tones with each other and are somehow unable to assume positive intentions. Don’t be like my parents! Maybe that’s a future topic for your therapy sessions: how to have non-adversarial communication with your husband.

    6. Stop sharing! And tell your therapist you feel like he’s using jt against you.

    7. This is therapy for YOU, not your husband, and one of your boundaries needs to be that your husband is not your therapist! Use your words, and tell him to mind his own business. Seriously.

       1. Agree with this. I am a huge over-sharer and my husband and I are very close, and when I was in therapy I told him virtually nothing about my sessions because it’s private and honestly it never occurred to me to share.

          1. I feel like that should be “… BUT when I was in therapy…”

    8. My spouse is in therapy and I prefer not to hear about it. In my case, part of the reason I think therapy will help him is that I spend a lot of energy taking care of his emotions. I feel like he tells me every negative thought he has with me and it’s exhausting! I benefit from him having a therapist because she’s another person who can support him.

    9. I’d share everything because I think that’s the secret to a great relationship.

       1. That’s crappy advice when that stance is definitely not working for OP.

    10. Isn’t the whole point of therapy to have someone who isn’t your partner to discuss things with? No way would I ever share with my partner.

    11. Your partner should never use anything you tell him against you, whether it’s what you talked about during your therapy session or anything else. In other words, the problem is not you sharing, it’s him turning around and using it against you. Not cool.

12. Looking for some anec-data: How often does your cat get its teeth cleaned assuming there aren’t any major issues (like a tooth removal or underlying disease)?

    Our last cat never had any dental issues, like literally never had teeth cleaned in her 18 years of life, I never brushed her teeth, etc. Guess she was just lucky? Our new cat is about 3 years old and the vet said he’s showing some signs of dental issues and will need a teeth cleaning soon. Then she recommended getting a teeth cleaning annually…this seems crazy to me? To put a perfectly otherwise healthy cat under general anesthesia annually to get its teeth cleaned?

    1. It really depends on the cat. My cat had bad dental issues during the last half of his life (lived to age 18). Prior to that, we didn’t do anything, nor did the vet recommend it. But once the dental issues started, he needed yearly teeth cleanings and had a few teeth extracted. Some cats are just prone to dental issues, and it can cause problems and discomfort if you don’t get ahead of it.

    2. Does the cat really have to be put under?

       We always brushed our own cat’s teeth with that gross smelling enzymatic gel and a little finger cap brush. The cat hated it, but other than squirming and trying to run away there was nothing that merited general anesthesia. We did this every few weeks for his entire life, basically any time we noticed his breath starting to smell.

       1. You can brush a pet’s teeth at home, but for a dental cleaning done by a vet, yes, they have to be under general anesthesia.

       2. This isn’t a regular brushing (which we’re going to start doing with our cat too). It’s like a human-style dental cleaning where they scrape off the buildup and everything.

          1. But does the cat actually have to be put under for it, especially if your cat is young and you acclimate it to having its mouth handled? I’m not a cat but my human-style dentist does not put me under for a dental cleaning.

             Additionally, our vet always descaled my dog’s teeth during regular checkups when needed (very rare) with no special accommodations beyond just clipping his leash to the exam table. We brushed our dog’s teeth regularly and also had a descaling tool that we used on him at home when necessary, so it was no big deal to him to have work done in his mouth.

             1. Yes they do, and cats are not dogs.

             2. Vets require anesthesia for the safety of their staff. I’ve never heard of a vet who would work in a dog or cats mouth without anesthesia. Your own pet is different.

             3. A lot of vets are TERRIBLE, just awful at animal handling. I’ll never understood why they even went into veterinary medicine though I guess they’re better than nothing.

                I had a vet who would get the tartar off my cat’s teeth without sedating him at all, but he was good at handling.

                I wish groomers would offer dental cleanings because they’re the best I’ve seen at getting cats to comply with things that the cat would normally throw a fit over.

       3. Regular toothbrushing is not what requires anaesthesia–it’s the more involved descaling like a human would get at the dentist.

       4. The dental work they do is scaling the teeth (like what your own dentist does) vs just brushing. I’ve always been told (multiple vets from moves) that dogs and cats should have it done every 4-5 years. But some may need more frequently depending on things like whether they get dry food, cardiac health, etc.

          1. Enamel quality is largely inherited (for people, too!). My current dog gets her a** kicked by the tooth fairy every 6 months, and she needs it! I’ve had others that were able to go a few years.

    3. This seems madness to me unless they can diagnose a specific dental condition. I’m in the U.K. but getting our cats teeth cleaned involved sedation and a few hundred pounds. We have had it done for cats of various ages who needed to be sedated for other things so it made sense to add it on, but only ever had it done specifically for two cats at around age 14, who then got too old to be sedated for just a teeth cleaning. My mums cat did get a tooth pulled about age 4 but was isolated incident.

    4. I both believe that cats can really need dental work and that some vets use dental work as a profit center. There was a recent Freakonomics podcast on private equity buying vet practices that mentioned how dental was an area they focused on.

    5. Dog, not cat, but we’ve never had any of our dogs’ teeth professionally cleaned. I know two separate families who lost (not especially elderly) dogs to the surgery. General anesthesia has risk and I believe the risks are a lot higher for pets than humans. I’d rather have a dog with some dental issues than a dead dog, and our dogs have never outlived their teeth anyway.

    6. My veterinarian only cleans their teeth prophylactically if they’re already under for another procedure. Anesthesia has very real risks!

       That said, dental issues can become really horrific in cats, so if it’s not prophylactic (if there’s a serious problem), that may be different. But I would really need the vet to make the case that this is necessary and worth the risks and that something is going on that is not going on in other cats that make it 18 years without a cleaning!

       1. Same here. My cat is 18 and his teeth have been professionally cleaned once. He was going under GA for something else and the vet was running a special on cleanings that month, so I said go for it.

    7. Never. But we also don’t take them to the vet regularly unless they are ill when they are younger, so we may just be generally neglectful. I think some vets say dry food helps keep teeth healthy.

    8. I’ve changed vet clinics over things like this in the past. There are some vet clinics that assume you believe your animal is your baby and you want it to receive the same care that you would give a human. I’m not that person. I was in a new city when my 14 year old cat developed cancer, and the local vet’s first recommendation was that I take him to the state ag college 2 hours away to their animal cancer center for chemo. I immediately went to another vet that could sensibly advise on how to keep my boy comfortable until it was time to put him down.

       Cats do not need their teeth cleaned annually any more than dogs do. My dog had a lump removed 3 years ago and they did her teeth while she was under, and the vet who saw her for annual shots last week said her teeth looked great for her age…because she had had them cleaned 3 years ago.

       1. Honestly, I’m considering switching vets over this too. We got a different doctor this time and the prior one was more “hands-off,” which fits me more. My cat is 100% my family but he also doesn’t understand why I’d be putting him through all this stuff and 99% of his joy in life is being left alone to hang out, so no, he doesn’t get the same level of treatment a human does.

          1. It’s an upsell. I wrote below about my vet adding a dental practice.

    9. My 14 year old cat’s had his teeth cleaned once- probably about 7 years ago? The vet has mentioned doing another cleaning and I’m not entirely against it, but agree it’s a fairly big deal

    10. I have five cats and thankfully only one of them has serious dental issues. He lived on the streets most of his life and during his first cleaning, he got five teeth extracted. At his yearly check-up, the vet checks his gums and he usually has redness and inflammation. He’s gotten a few more teeth extracted over the years. I get yearly cleanings for him since he has consistently had issues.

        Two of my other cats are also strays and I took them for initial cleanings after adopting them and they each had one tooth extracted. Since then, they have had tartar buildup but I don’t schedule annual cleanings just for that.

        Keep an eye on kitty and see if they have any changes in appetite or issues eating that could be indicative of teeth issues.

    11. I have a 10 year old cat and a 6 year old cat. The older cat has gotten his teeth cleaned at the vet once or twice. The younger cat has never had her teeth cleaned by the vet.

        I put Oxyfresh (something like that) pet dental additive in their water and it really helps. I should try brushing their teeth but I value my arms too much.

    12. Haha. My cats’ teeth (they’re brother cats) were absolutely fine until they were about 11, then my veterinarian added a veterinary dentist to the staff and suddenly both cats desperately needed deep cleanings under sedation at $1000+ a pop. Uh, no. They’re 13 now and they’re fine. I take them in for their shots and that’s it.

    13. Once when my (dear departed) cat was going under for surgery (odd mammary growths), I asked for a teeth cleaning as well. It turned out she needed several excisions. The poor thing has always been a sloppy eater but it turned out she’d been in pain the whole time and was just trying to eat around the problem teeth.

        For future cats, I would keep an eye out for eating problems and ask the same thing, for a cleaning to accompany any time they had anesthesia.

        As to whether it’s merely a profit center for the vet, I dunno; that’s a terribly hard call.

        1. Agree. My poor cat was fine, dental wise, until he wasn’t. And from then on, it was a yearly teeth cleaning and many years, an excision. He’d been working around the problem so well that it wasn’t until the vet pointed out how swollen and inflamed his gums were that I noticed an issue. Maybe it was a money grab, I dunno, but it seemed pretty necessary.

    14. FWIW, my husband and I got 2 cats at the same time. When Girl Cat was still alive, the vet always said her teeth were fine. And on every visit since he was about 3 years old, the same vet has said Boy Cat needs his teeth cleaned under anesthesia and it should be done regularly. So, since the vet said one cat was fine and one wasn’t, I don’t the vet is just trying to drive up profits, and there probably is variation among cats. That said, we never got around to having Boy Cat’s teeth cleaned. He’s 15 years old, he still has all his teeth, and he doesn’t seem to have any dental disease or difficulty eating.

13. I know I posted about my trip to Italy before, but we finally decided on about 9 days split between Venice, Florence and Rome. Due to schedules and budget, there’s no wiggle room on this timeline. My SO and I will go to these three cities and then I’m going to a Yoga retreat for another week. So I have two questions since I’m sure commenters are better traveled than me.

    1. What do I pack for late September/early October? It might be cold and I’m only checking one large luggage and a medium carry on bag. I want to look good but also be comfortable walking all over the cities. I wish I could wear nice flowy dresses but it might be cold and I need to not destroy my feet.

    2. Suggestions/tips on sites to see and dining in all three cities. We are very open to different options and I’m excited to see some small town outside of Florence too. TIA!

    1. I would wait until you’re much, much closer to the trip to start thinking about packing. Wait until you know what the forecast says.

    2. 1. Sneakers for your feet. They work with both dresses and pants, they’re common in Europe and unless you’re planing very fancy dining you won’t need another pair of shoes.

       2. Osteria Pastella and Gelateria dei Neri in Florence, Osteria 44, Ristorante Sofia and Gelateria La Romana in Rome. The classic tourist sites (David and Uffizi in Florence, Vatican and Colosseum in Rome) are the best ones, don’t feel like you need to go off the beaten path. San Gimignano is an amazing day trip from Florence.

    3. Make sure shoes and coat are waterproof because when it rains, it really rains (and water in Rome can stream in the paths in a pretty impressive way). I packed some nice waterproof leather knee boots that I could walk miles in and that worked out well for me along with a lined raincoat.

    4. It was still really warm when I was in Rome at the end of September. Mid to upper 70s during the day.

    5. You don’t need two suitcases omg.

       1. I’m not bringing two suitcases, but thanks!!!!

    6. From Florence, Pisa, Sienna and San Gimignano are all easy trips. Don’t miss any.

       1. Not sure how long they’re in Italy but unless they have a full week in Florence, three day trips is a lot. The city itself is wonderful. My favorite in Italy, and I’ve been to a lot of different Italian cities. If they have 4-5 days there, I’d do at most two day trips.

    7. 1. +++ to only taking one bag. Unless you’re having private transport everywhere, it is a huge pain to lug two suitcases around. For city exploration, I’d take a pair of walking shoes (e.g., on cloud’s) of your choice and something nicer yet comfortable and packable for dinner (e.g., Rothy’s). Likely won’t be cold, so you could wear a flowy dress and bring a wrap.

       2. In addition to all of the typical tourist attractions at each city: Venice – Osteria Da Carla and Peggy Guggenheim; Florence – Trattoria Sostanza and Alla Vecchia Bettola; Rome – Roscioli, Cesare al Casaletto, Armando al Panthenon

    8. 9 days including travel time or 9 days actually in the cities? We did 9 days not including travel for those 3 cities and split it 1 night in Venice, 3 nights in Florence, 5 nights in Rome, which I thought was good, though I might split Florence and Rome evenly if I did it over. You really don’t need more than a day or two in Venice. If you post a burner email, I’ll sned you my detailed itinerary (I get a little obsessive with my travel itineraries). It’s heavy on ancient Roman stuff in Rome as I’m a Latin nerd. Things I enjoyed that aren’t on the obvious big sites to see lists: In Rome: Ostia Antica (ancient Roman town outside of Rome. Kind of like Pompeii, but smaller and not quite as well preserved. Easier to get to from Rome) and Villa Borghese (art museum, mostly sculpture); in Florence-Bardini gardens, though we went in spring so not sure how these are in Fall. Good views of the city, though.

       1. I would definitely do just Rome and Florence on that timeframe. Rome has a ton of stuff to see and Florence has at least a few days worth of stuff + lots of great day trips as others noted above. I really dislike Venice (especially if there’s any chance of rain) but I know that’s an unpopular opinion.

    9. I went to Venice and Rome in March and just took a carryon but you do you. Mix of jeans, black pants and it sound like you like dresses. I wore some merino sweaters on top and had a couple lighter weight layering tops underneath. I have bad feet so brought a pair of athletic gym shoes and two pairs of fashion sneakers (Vegas, NB 574) plus allbirds black flats.

       1. I’m going for about 2.5 weeks. A little over a week in the three cities and then a week long yoga retreat. I’m not just going for a week. Normally I take a carry on but when I’m working out everyday and needing a change of clothes, that’s not going to cut it.

    10. My friend Claire is an American expat living in Rome and she is a wonderful private tour guide. Tell her I sent you: http://www.claireintheworld.net

        Our best meal in Florence was at Antico Ristorante Paoli, which claims to be the oldest restaurant in the city.

        In Venice we stumbled on Ristorante Riviera and it was fantastic — it’s right on the canal and just divine.

        Pack layers — I was happy to have my leggings with me and on several occasions I wore them under my jeans or joggers and was toasty warm! I also was happy to have my lightweight down vest and lightweight down jacket, both from Uniqlo. The scrunch up to almost nother and an fit in my day pack. I also got good use from my medium weight waterproof trench. A lightweight cardigan for when it was a bit warmer, and that was also a layering piece. Beyond that, tees (long and short sleeves), a pair of jeans, a few pair of shorts, a couple of jumpsuits, a couple of dresses. Definitely sneakers, and for dressier occasions I have a pair of metallic flat sandals. I second the suggestions of a waterproof footwear alternative. Oh, and plan on buying a sun hat when you get there.

    11. I want to put in a plug for the Museum of the History of Science in Florence (maybe also called Museo Galileo)! Such a cool place.

        Also I know I’m in the minority but I looove Venice. I did a course where I stayed on a nearby island (San Servolo – quiet, green, not crowded!) for 2 weeks, and took the vaporetto in to the city every evening. It was so magical to be there in the evenings when the crowds had dispersed. A kayak tour of Venice was one of my favorite things ever.

        1. Yeah Museo Galileo is cool.

        2. +1 to staying in Venice a few nights!

14. TL;DR: Dad may be experiencing age discrimination at work. What options exist and who should we engage to discuss further?

    The blue-collar company my dad works for was sold at the end of 2022. Shortly after the sale, the new owners asked Dad about his “plans for retirement.” Dad is turning 70 this year and he’s been with the company for over 40 years.

    Dad continued working as usual (approx 30 hrs/week). This month, the management/owners met with him and announced to him that his “retirement date will be June 30.” They also said they are “going a different direction” and want to “bring in some younger” management/people to do the work he does. The meeting consisted of Dad and 3 of the new ownership group. The owners said a similar thing to the other management employee who is in his 70s and he was also given a June 30 date.

    This seems like potential age discrimination, right? Retirement has been in Dad’s consideration set for some time, but he hadn’t set a timeframe and continued to enjoy getting out of the house, working with long-term co-workers, etc.

    Dad isn’t interested in continuing to work for people who don’t want him there; however, he is interested in his options. Should he file an EEOC complaint? Can he ask for a severance in lieu of filing a complaint? The company does have a small amount of government work and age discrimination likely runs afoul of their agreements with the government.

    We’re located in Pittsburgh, in case anyone suggests a legal consultation. Thanks in advance for any guidance and suggestions.

    1. Definitely have him consult with an attorney about this. If you are looking for a smaller firms, Vicki Kuftic Horne (two attorneys) or Marcus Shapira (slightly larger firm) are two of the best.

    2. Hire an attorney immediately. The attorney will likely negotiate a severance agreement.

    3. You talk to a lawyer first. Don’t go filing things with any agency without legal counsel.

    4. He needs to talk to an employee-side employment attorney ASAP, before he does anything else. He should not file an EEOC complaint on his own or try to negotiate with his employer until he does.

       1. +1 – I’d consult an attorney. They can let you know your options, risks, etc. Don’t be afraid to ask about costs upfront (hourly rate, contingency, etc. etc)

    5. Agree with others to talk to an attorney and document everything. Even if he decides now is actually a good time to retire, there may be room for negotiation if it is forced on him.

    6. Not a lawyer, but I am a former HR person and – oof. This is pretty much a textbook example of what you don’t do when communicating with an older, seasoned employee. I cringed when I read that they flat out said they want to bring in “younger” people – yikes.

       Have him call a lawyer. I am no expert but I think he has a case for at least a negotiated severance package.

    7. Yes, 100% consult with an employment attorney. I know the union-side lawyers at this firm, which also does individual employment work, and think it would be a good choice. https://www.rothmangordon.com/practices/employment-law/

    8. In addition to consulting an attorney immediately (to avoid missing any strict/short deadlines for filing EEOC or other claims), you might suggest that your father document/take notes on the events that seem sus.

    9. Agree that a plaintiff-side employment attorney is what you need.

       Documenting–please have your dad take contemporaneous notes of what what said, by whom, and who witnessed it, in what context, every day or time somthing happens. He can take these by hand or, if he wants to use a computer, it is helpful from an evidence perspective if he emails these to himself on his own computer so there’s a timestamp. (He should not use a work machine for this.) If he is sent any emails or documents about this, he should print them out and take them home. He should also print out any performance reviews that are easily-accessible. Do not email them. They can be scanned later.

       He should play it very cool and let them keep saying things but contact an attorney ASAP.

       This is already a very bad fact pattern for the company. I’m an in-house attorney and…oof is right. I’m sorry your father is experiencing this.

15. Help me shop? I’m looking for a red top that is on the casual side but could be dressed up if needed. The thing that’s limiting my search is that I want a true red, not the warm orangey red that seems to be everywhere right now (and is one of my absolute worst colors). Poplin, linen, or any lightweight fabric would be ideal; I’d prefer to avoid 100% poly.

    1. https://www.macys.com/shop/product/mango-womens-buttoned-flowy-shirt?ID=15754863&CategoryID=255&swatchColor=Red%20Red

    2. Like this color? Farm Rio’s website has a tab on it for “solids” and this seems like a real red to me.

       https://www.nordstrom.com/s/heart-applique-cotton-blouse/7171769?color=RED&utm_content=33817190135&utm_term=aud-1649615346412:pla-818966139486&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=662927194&adpos=&creative=145518898720&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049880627886&lid=92700049880627886&ds_s_kwgid=58700005470160511&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=818966139486&product_id=5597936&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9009970&targetid=aud-1649615346412:pla-818966139486&campaignid=662927194&adgroupid=33817190135&gclid=CjwKCAjwvdajBhBEEiwAeMh1U2JzLjgw2qpoeah5aCBEd4X_eaQoAy38kKaV-wH3sAQGXlBvZBes9xoCU3gQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

    3. Look at Michael Stars gauze tops – not sure if the darker red will work for you but the double gauze that’s everywhere sounds perfect for your fabric.

    4. Small sizes only on this one:
       https://www.universalstandard.com/products/refined-poet-blouse-cabernet

    5. Sleeveless, smocked, 100% cotton: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=656842012&cid=72091&pcid=72091&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AShop+Women%27s+Categories%3ATops#pdp-page-content

       This looks like a true red but my monitor isn’t always 100%: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-short-sleeve-v-neck-woven-eyelet-top-knox-rose/-/A-87662937?preselect=87540235#lnk=sametab

       Floral print: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-elbow-sleeve-peasant-blouse-knox-rose/-/A-87791482?preselect=87695451#lnk=sametab

       1. Hmm, that Target top is definitely the right shade of red. I might have to look at that one.

16. This isn’t a Succession spoiler thread. DH has been really into this show. I like looking at the over-the-top houses and taking of planes everywhere. I grew up watching soap operas and deal with some Wall-Street types at work (but am not a big-deal M&A person or anything like that, just I dealing with 10-Q filings and other more mundane things). I get that Waystar-Royco is a public company that is still privately controlled (like WWE was before it was sold). Other than WWE though (where there is a big personality at the top), I really don’t think that the show’s characters or their dialog is at all believable (to the point where I have to multitask when it’s on or be driven nuts). Like . . . explain Roman to me (any episode seems to have a preposterous example). Blake and Alexis were more believable with fighting over ColbyCo. Or Days of Our Lives where Sami became a corporate executive straight from high school (skipping college entirely).

    1. whaat…..?

    2. Their dialogue of always saying “yeah” or repeating words like “hey hey” can be annoying! Roman is definitely over the top and not believable to me. Shiv’s shadiness always stands out to me and how she treats her husband! I have not seen the finale yet but am so curious to see how it all works out! Would love for Kendal to get back together with Rava but I don’t see that happening.

       1. Ugh, why would you wish this on Rava? She needs to take the kids and run as far and fast as possible. He is a toxic, broken manbaby.

    3. I need to rewatch and see what is really going on with Logan and Kerrie (and then Marcia / Kerrie and then Marcia / Kerrie and all of the other ex-wives). That was a major bit of ewwww . . . when it kept coming up. Also, WTF is up with Kerrie’s weird bangs? And has there never been any sort of policy at this company against harassing the staff? I feel like that alone (Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, etc.) makes it not very believable. I would like to be able to pull of Jerry’s not really bothering to go along with her getting fired (nah, nah, nah, I can’t hear you).

       Also: why does Roman look like he’s 12?

       I loved Tom’s actor when he was on Spooks; not so much this character.

       1. I think Roman looks like he’s 12 because he was a child actor so we all have 12-year-old him in our heads. ;)

          1. Roman’s nazi hair style was rather prescient.

    4. I’m a big fan and couldn’t really follow your word salad but just take it from the number of articles out this week – this has widely been considered a great show. If it’s not your thing it’s not your thing.

    5. You don’t have to like the show!

    6. The point is to be entertaining, not realistic. That said, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it.

    7. Kind of a spoiler, but I’m leaving it vague and it should be obvious to anyone who’s been paying attention to the show…

       I think that the entire point of the show is that they’re all ridiculous. They’re spoiled (but traumatized) rich kids, not serious people who have ever had to do anything on their own merits, and idea of any of them being capable of being a CEO is laughable. Which is why it ended the way it did.

       1. They’re not serious people!! (But they think they are)

          1. That line really summed up the whole thing, didn’t it?

    8. I read an article that said Succession is best understood as a comedy, and I think that’s pretty spot on.

       1. I agree. I laughed a lot though out it, and I don’t usually laugh at sitcoms.

       2. It’s definitely funnier when you think of it as the HBO version of Arrested Development.

          1. Yes

       3. Relevant quote from the New Yorker profile of Jeremy Strong (Kendall’s actor):

          “When I asked Strong about the rap that Kendall performs in Season 2, at a gala for his father—a top contender for Kendall’s most cringeworthy moment—he gave an unsmiling answer about Raskolnikov, referencing Kendall’s “monstrous pain.” Kieran Culkin told me, “After the first season, he said something to me like, ‘I’m worried that people might think that the show is a comedy.’ And I said, ‘I think the show is a comedy.’ He thought I was kidding.” Part of the appeal of “Succession” is its amalgam of drama and bone-dry satire. When I told Strong that I, too, thought of the show as a dark comedy, he looked at me with incomprehension and asked, “In the sense that, like, Chekhov is comedy?” No, I said, in the sense that it’s funny.”

          1. I imagine Jeremy Strong is even more difficult to be around than Kendall is. He sounds like this in every single article.

             1. I’ve never seen this show but Jeremy Strong seems insufferable.

17. just a vent. tomorrow is my birthday and i have a terrible terrible cold/cough/headache (took a covid test this morning and it was negative), a few weeks ago on mother’s day the whole family had a stomach virus and i spent the day vomiting and cleaning up vomit. last year we were also all sick on mother’s day and were finishing out our covid quarantine on my birthday with our two young kiddos who were very sad they had to miss their last days of school. perhaps in 2024 we’ll be healthy in the month of May

    1. Oh no! I remember your post from the moms page. Hope you can reschedule your birthday celebration for when you’re feeling better. We’ve been healthy lately but my husband had Covid on our 10 year wedding anniversary last summer.

    2. Keep testing. I felt that way on Friday and finally tested positive for COVID on Saturday night.

       I’m sorry this is happening on your birthday! I have a January birthday and feel like I am ALWAYS sick on my birthday too.

18. Are any of you all ultra-light backpackers? I have done a lot of car camping since COVID and have branched out into backpacking. What kills me about backpacking is that my big hiker friends tell me I carry for 1-2 nights as much as they carry for long trecks of a week. And 25+ pounds on my back is heavy (and it’s basically 2 Nalgenes of water, tent, sleeping pad, sleeping bag, change of clothes, jet boil, and food; often the group carries one trowel and one water filter. It’s already a backpacking weight tent. All I can think of is going to a bivy sack maybe with a sleeping bag liner so I can leave the tent and sleeping bag at home. I have a piece of Tyvek I could bring for more shelter in case of rain or wet ground, but worry I might be too miserable (in which case, if it’s misery with an end date, I can often power through, but perhaps that would be with a soaking wet pack). I guess I could try this car camping to hedge my bets if this is a horrible idea, but I’m interested in any advice you all have. I like the idea of backpacking, but maybe with just carrying up to 15 pounds.

    1. No change of clothes

    2. There are different weights of backpacking tents, sleeping pads, and sleeping bags. Generally the cheaper, the heavier. Clothes are also a big source of weight.

       I would never sleep without a tent just because of mosquitoes.

    3. You can switch from a tent to a hammock. Are you each carrying individual tents? That seems wasteful in terms of space. I’d double up if possible and redistribute items among packs. But also, if you’re really looking to remove stuff, don’t bring the jetboil. If it’s just one night, just bring food you don’t have to cook. Real talk though is that there’s a certain amount of stuff you need regardless of length of trip. If I travel for work for 5 days versus 3, my suitcase isn’t that much bigger. Because I still need the same laptop, toiletries, etc.

    4. No advice on ultralight, but hiking inn to inn gives a lot of the fun of backpacking, but you need to carry far less stuff. I would not do anything where the plan included a decent chance of being wet and miserable.

    5. I do a lot of solo backpacking and about 25 pounds sounds right to me when you add in food and water. Cutting to 15 means you need to give up a lot of comfort. Look at how much food you are carrying, and might be able to cut that down some. Two nalgenes could be cut to 1 and refill when you get to a water source. I’m at the point where I’d rather carry 25 and be comfortable than carry 15 and be miserable. Eg., change of clothes. I like having non-sweaty items to change into at camp, so that’s an item I am not ditching.

    6. I used to do this sort of backpacking as a teenager (in the ’80s!) and we didn’t carry that much water. Generally one canteen (the old saucer-shaped metal ones!) and refilled it from streams or other water sources. We carried iodine tablets to purify it – didn’t taste awesome but we didn’t get sick. I know now there are little hand pumps with filters that you can use to purify water. Unless you’re in the desert do you need to carry “two nalgenes” worth of water? Liquids are super heavy.

       1. Assuming these are quart Nalgenes, that’s not even a day’s worth of water for drinking, cooking, brushing teeth, etc. It seems low to me even if OP is using a water filter.

    7. As a person who is 5’3″ and weighs 138 pounds, I sympathize with you. 25 pounds is very different on me than on a 200 pound man, or a tal woman at 175 pounds. I would not make your self uncomfortable, but weigh all your gear, one piece at a time, and see if you can find lighter replacements. Bring all freeze dried foods. Cutting 5 pounds would help a lot. And, you could ask your friends if they would share a tent with you, or if they would carry some of your gear. And add weight lifting and lots of squats to your work out routine.

       1. What are freeze dried foods that are tasty? I have a lot of nuts and dried fruits, but IMO I need a bit more food to get going and one Nalgene is basically for Mountain House / morning oatmeal. I need to eat well for energy (and to not be hangry), especially when hiking.

          OTOH, I would pay good money for someone to stay at a campsite to guard it so I could just day hike and leave my gear at its resting place for the night. I’m never going to be more than a weekend hiker or camper anyway, so it’s not like I need to move camp daily or I won’t get through the whole AT in my gap year summer.

          1. This is why I only do day hikes. I’m sure I’m missing out on some great things that require overnights, but I want 4 solid walls to safely hold my stuff during the day so I don’t have to lug everything (and also I want a shower at the end of the day). Why not just do day hikes? There are plenty of lodges/cabins/etc that are good bases for plenty of good day hikes.

    8. 25 pounds is reasonable and do-able. Does your pack fit properly? Are you working up to the weight/distance? If your day to day life is generally sedentary and you don’t do a lot of work under any sort of load, incorporate some training hikes with a weighted pack (plate weights wrapped in towels inside your pack work well for this).
       The things you might consider swapping out that won’t break the bank would be the Jetboil for an alcohol stove and the Nalgenes for a bladder. If your pack doesn’t fit you well, throw money at a new one that does. Otherwise, you’re better off working at getting stronger rather than buying lighter gear.

    9. I’m not ultra-light, but I did get into backpacking during the pandemic, and I have my gear fairly dialed in for the balance of comfort and weight that is important to me.

       Some possible swaps would be lightening your ‘big three’ (the tent, sleeping stuff, and backpack) – there are a lot of options and I upgraded my gear on these three and cut their weight in half. Also, I switched from nalgenes to a system with a drinking hose that attaches to Smart Water bottles, and that has saved me a lot of weight (plus I carry a lightweight filter so I don’t need as much water in my bottles most of the time).

       Try putting your gear into https://lighterpack.com/ and figuring out where you can make changes. Also, the lightweight backpacking subreddit probably has some good info (this is different from ultralight, which will probably push you toward things that are a little less comfortable…).

       1. Was jumping on here to say many of these things! I love ul hiking. You should try out an ultralight backpack to save a bit on weight (I love my old rei ultralight pack). I personally don’t like the idea of sleeping on a non-enclosed space. You can save some weight using the tents that use your trekking poles as supports (zpacks and Gossamer Gear annd tarptents make them), and switch to the sleeping system that uses a “quilt” that wraps around your sleeping mat. These are lighter than their regular counterparts. There are good resources on Garage Grown Goods.

19. My job has this evaluation process where they surprise me in a video hearing and rate my performance once or twice a year. I’ve been here for over a decade and never had a bad one. However, lately I’ve been have really intense physical reactions to anticipating the observation. My heart races and I feel dizzy and nauseous. It’s enough to ruin my actual performance most days even when I’m not being observed. I’m trying to gage whether to say something to my boss; I can’t imagine it’s impossible to give me the heads up first in order to prevent me having a small scale panic attack or whatever this is nearly every workday, but part of the evaluation is the “surprise” element. What would you do?

    1. I would find a new job. This ain’t flippant; that is a very bizarre process and should not be used for years on end.

       1. Agree. I would get a new job.

    2. Wow, your company’s policy sounds awful and I would feel like you do! My question is – do these sort of intense feelings also happen in other aspects of your life?

       How well do you get along with your boss?

       I’m torn with how to approach this. I can’t quite imagine how they could give you a head’s up, without doing that for everyone.

    3. Could you have some Xanex on hand and as soon as you know it is time, you could take it? Xanex works for me in about 30 minutes and maybe you could white knuckle through that time if you know you will have some relief soon?

       1. I was going to suggest a beta-blocker – I always take one before big presentations or performance reviews – but Xanax could work too.

    4. I agree this sounds terrible and as an HR person, not actually useful. It sounds like you’re not looking so much to manage the anxiety during the session but rather the anxiety around not knowing when it will happen, etc? You might try a brief therapy stint or use a book like the anxiety workbook. I would focus on what is the actual fear – that you’ll mess up and be embarrassed ? Get fired and end up living with your parents? What would you do then, etc. Exposure might also be helpful – is there any way to actually do this MORE so that it doesn’t feel so scary? Etc. Focus on anxiety reduction techniques to manage the uncertainty. Good luck!!

20. I really loved White House Plumbers on HBO – any recs for similar shows?

    1. Gaslit is about a different aspect of the same story. I really enjoyed it.

21. Years ago, I got something made of viscose material that I didn’t like. IIRC, it pilled a bit and was a PITA to iron (and needed to be ironed to look good). That was 10+ years ago. Viscose seems to be everywhere now (and it’s green!). Has it gotten any better as a material though? I want something easy if I’m going to buy anything new and just don’t ever want to pull the trigger on viscose and find out the hard way that it’s still not a joy to own.

    1. I had a couple of pretty bad experiences with viscose despite following the washing and care instructions to a tee. I’ll admit that I still avoid it now. It’s not a “green” product if the shirt ends up being unwearable after 2 washings.

    2. Viscose is just rayon. It is made from wood pulp (so unlike polyester it can claim to be “plant-based”). It takes a not insignificant amount of resources to get that pulp into fabric form. It may be less environmentally damaging to create than some other fabrics, but it isn’t inherently green in an eco-friendly sense. Quality varies just like fabric with any other fiber content.

       1. +1 to your last sentence.

    3. I still avoid viscose. I don’t trust that it won’t pill. I buy cotton or silk for work clothes.

    4. I steam just about everything now, rather than iron it, but particularly viscose. I really recommend investing in a standing steamer – it is so convenient t!

       I like the drape of them, but my viscose items always seem to shrink quite a bit, even with the gentlest washing techniques. And the shrinking is always mostly in length, which is a problem for tall me. I mostly pass on it now.

22. Have any of you come back from resenting your spouse? About a year ago he told me he didn’t want to be a dad anymore. We have three kids. Basically since then he’s been doing the absolute bare minimum emotionally. He still cooks and cleans and goes to work and transports kids around. But I feel like I have a roommate. I know the answer is therapy. I’m going to ask him to go with me. Anything else?

    1. I don’t think “About a year ago he told me he didn’t want to be a dad anymore. We have three kids” is something you come back from. Too late (x3) to decide you don’t want to be a dad, buddy.

       1. Seriously. The answer isn’t therapy, it’s DTMFA.

    2. So he gets all the perks of being married and doesn’t want to fulfil his obligations as a dad.. ? How do the kids feel? I’m sure they sense it. I’ve been happily married 25y and this would be enough to make me file for divorce.

       1. Yeah, that’s a big yikes. He wanted to create three humans and now he gets to just… dump all of their care and nurturing on you? That’s beyond unacceptable for you AND for the kids. I’m not sure I could come back from that resentment without him majorly stepping up and doing a 180 on that.

    3. Did he tell you why? Is he depressed?

       1. +1

          Therapy is the start.

          I’m so sorry your are going through this.

    4. I am not usually one of the posters who jumps to “get a divorce,” but seriously – think about it.

       The guys I have seen IRL who have pulled this “I don’t want the responsibility of parenting anymore” (an interesting alternate flavor is “I realize now I never wanted this many kids” – even though they fully agreed to having kids when the decision was at-hand) used it as a prelude to doing all kinds of irresponsible things. These guys eventually checked out of their marriage and parenting responsibilities, and never checked back in. Most of them got divorced, remarried a much younger woman, and then proceeded to have kids with that person and are back complaining on social media about family obligations – make it make sense, but whatever.

       You should go to therapy to figure out what you want to do next. It’s possible (possible) that this is some kind of midlife crisis and he needs to do some exploration of his inner motivations and figure out why he’s not happy. It’s possible he could come through it. He may be using the “I don’t want to be a dad any more” to communicate he’s unhappy in other aspects of his life (maybe it’s actual depression, and an antidepressant could help?), and it’s possible he could figure that out and come back to being the person you used to know. Gotta be honest – I don’t think that’s likely. To me, it seems like what he’s doing is the grownup equivalent of when we were in high school or college, and people would start dating someone, and then decided they wanted to date someone else or were over the relationship or whatever, and instead of breaking up cleanly, would just be really mean to the other person until they were broken-up with. Your husband may be trying to get you to go away, not realizing that with a marriage and three kids, it’s not that simple.

       I am sorry to be so pessimistic but I have seen this play out IRL, several times, and I never saw it end in anything but divorce, usually after the husband had an affair that was unmasked. Some guys (and I guess women too, but I have not seen that personally) think they want something (like a family and kids), then decide they don’t want it and then are just done and absolutely can just walk away without a second thought. Think, Stephen King’s dad who “went out for cigarettes” and never came back to the family.

       Think about what you want and how to protect yourself and your kids. Don’t think for one second you can change him, or he will decide to change just because you have three kids, or you want him to, or you used to be really in love, or whatever. You can definitely try to work things out, but be on your guard and make sure your own ends are covered.

       1. +1. This was basically how it went in my partner’s first marriage. His wife told him that she didn’t really want to be a mom–but they already had 3 kids. She checked out emotionally, cheated time and again, and even disappeared from the home for long stretches. I hope this doesn’t happen to you, but sadly I think you’ve been warned on some level that this is the degree of disengagement he feels.

          I definitely would not label your feelings “resentment” only. He’s trying to back out of the most important commitment he’s ever made, x3.

       2. OP here. This is basically what I think is happening also. He’s having a midlife crisis and he’s pushing me away/stonewalling. My fear is that if I initiate a divorce he effectively gets what he wants; which is to be alone without any family obligations. But I also can’t make him go to therapy and figure out what he wants. I feel stuck.

          1. Kindly, you’re effectively saying that you don’t want to give him the satisfaction of divorce. But you can’t stay in a marriage for spite, and you can’t make him parent out of spite.

             “Figuring out what he wants” when he refuses to talk about it, is his problem. What YOU want, presumably, is a spouse who wants to be there. Your kids certainly want a father who wants to be there. If he is announcing that he’s not this person, then out he goes. I’m sorry, this is a really cruel thing for him to be doing. But he’s going to have to live with it forever.

             1. +1 to “you can’t stay in a marriage for spite, and you can’t make him parent out of spite.”

             2. Yeah, I remember one time I was appearing in divorce court, and in the case in front of me the couple was there to get the final decree of divorce. The judge asked the husband the boilerplate questions about whether the marriage was irretrievably damaged and he said “yes,” and he asked the wife the same questions and she said “no.” And the judge had to gently explain to the wife that in our state, marriage is by consent, and if one party wants out, they are entitled to be out. It was horribly sad, but I think that’s the only reasonable outcome. (Obviously the law in your state may be different, but human nature doesn’t always correspond to the legalities.)

          2. Your poor kids.

          3. Huh. I truly don’t know the answer to this but maybe meeting with a lawyer would be helpful to get a realistic view of the custody arrangements? Like, separating out what’s best for the kids for a minute, if your husband doesn’t want 50/50 custody can you enforce it? Just trying to brainstorm here that if his options are to work on marriage vs have solo parenting duty 50% of the time, maybe he’ll be more motivated to work on the marriage?

             I’m sorry. It’s such a sucky place to be in.

             1. This might vary based on location, but in my state, you cannot force someone to do 50/50 custody if they don’t want it. If one parent doesn’t want to have their kids, then they pay child support instead. This very situation happened to a friend of mine. Her step-daughter’s mother decided after YEARS of joint custody that she didn’t want her daughter anymore (it was heart breaking). So my friend’s husband went back to court, got 100% custody and now the mother pays child support every month. Obviously it has been difficult for the step-daughter, who they’ve put into therapy related to this.

          4. I understand your feeling on this, and it’s a very human impulse. He has wronged you and your children and the desire is to want him to have to pay for that. I have been there. Certainly it wasn’t the same thing, but my ex husband had an affair, and I partially didn’t want to get divorced because it felt like he’d be “winning” in that he’d get exactly what he wanted (to go be with his affair partner) while I got all the downsides to the divorce (emotional obliteration, financial difficulties, etc.)

             Unfortunately, “making” him stay won’t make anyone happy and will make you and your children significantly more miserable. I’m sure you know this in your heart. Divorce will be terrible for a time, and then it won’t be. It will hurt to see him getting what he wants for a while and then you eventually won’t care because your own life will be far better without having to look at this person who is being a selfish jerk every day.

             I hope you are able to get some peace in this situation, whether on your own or if he’s able to go to therapy and turn it around. My heart goes out to you.

          5. I think it doesn’t matter if he gets what he wants. What matters is would you be happier with or without this man as he is now. Assume he is not going to change and focus on what is best for you (and the kids) given that.

          6. “My fear is that if I initiate a divorce he effectively gets what he wants; which is to be alone without any family obligations.”

             But you could also get what you want, which is to live your life without being shackled to this man-baby who is sticking everything on you and getting away with it. When one of my friends was in this situation and her husband finally moved out, she told me it was like having one less child to deal with, and that being able to make decisions and execute her life and raise her kids without working around him and his immature BS was life-changing. That could be you! You could have your life change for the better!

             Girl. I feel for you, so much but your thinking about this needs to change. You are not going to be able to force him to be a grown-up and live up to his responsibilities. He has agency; either he is going to do that or he is not going to do it. If he doesn’t do it, you and your kids are better off if he goes on his merry way and then you can either do what you need to do for yourself (and your kids) by yourself, or hey – maybe you’ll meet a guy who will be a great stepfather and role model and do a better job being there for your kids than their dad was/is. That happened to the friend I reference above – her new husband is a widower who never had kids of his own and is AMAZING with her kids; her ex-husband is barely a presence in their lives, and good riddance. Don’t think of it as “he’s going to get away with doing nothing,” think of it as “I am dumping this baggage and moving forward without lugging around dead weight.”

             1. +1 If you get a divorce and end up with most of the childcare responsibilities, at least you get paid for that work, and when they’re with dad, you get a break.

             2. And in any case he will most definitely still have financial obligations.

          7. Do you think he wants a divorce as part of a midlife crisis that will pass or does he really just want out? I’d see an individual therapist asap and couples therapist. Also, start getting your financial ducks in a row in case it does come to a divorce. Ultimately I’d give it a year to improve and if he has not made some changes, I’d be done. I’d rather be happy and divorced than married to a roommate.

          8. I’m childfree, so take my remarks with a grain of salt, but being “alone” might wind up being more of a punishment or at the very least, karma, than a reward or what he wants, after the first honeymoon period fades away. The sad bachelor pad, the lonely dinners, the terrifying dating scene (which at his age is going to be mostly women with children, FYI, unless he’s got looks or money or both). Any woman with character is going to pretty closely question him and figure out: “wait…you were married for X years, you walked away for basically no reason, and you don’t see your kids? Um…no thanks.”
             Kids are companions and come with a built in social group of other moms, teachers, parents, and activities. It’s not ideal and it’s not some IG life but compared to Chef Boyardee (or even fast food) and another night of mindless scrolling *full well knowing you walked away from your own children* I’d say it’s much more rewarding.

    5. I think this is far more serious than an issue between you and your husband. He has communicated he doesn’t want to be a dad, which unfortunately he already is. There is no way this doesn’t come across to your kids, who will be harmed by this (unavoidable). Therapy for everyone and more close relationships with other adults for your kids.

    6. I also am not one to jump to divorce, but I’m not sure you can come back from that unless his actions do a 180 for the better.

    7. I would resist your urge to stab him because that will land you in prison and your kids need at least one parent. However I would not blame you for doing so, and if I were on the jury I would acquit.

       What a horrible thing for a person who already has living, breathing children to say!! I would never be able to move past that. Don’t burden yourself with that task as well!

       1. I’m not the OP and I want to stab this guy. The moxie on some people, SMDH

    8. Uh, the answer is DTMFA.

    9. Gently, this sounds like a him problem and not a you/you both problem. He needs to go to therapy, he needs to be actively working to figure out how to be a good dad and enjoy his life. This isn’t something YOU can fix. You can definitely ask him to do the above work, but unfortunately it seems like he won’t. I would definitely start figuring out how to stealthily protect yourself and your kids. Meet with a lawyer. Make sure you know ALL the banking stuff. Be on high alert for cheating.

    10. i am so so sorry for you and for your kids. and i’m also confused, like i’m assuming he wanted to be a dad in the first place, so could he be depressed, dealing with something else, etc.? i would be crushed if my spouse told me that, but i’d also be confused and want to understand where that was coming from

        1. Yes, this is such a weird thing to say. I’m curious, was it like “being a dad is a lot harder than I thought, I’m overwhelmed and fantasizing about a different life, etc” or was it a direct proclamation that he doesn’t want his kids anymore?

           1. In one case that I knew, the husband’s justification (if you can call it that…) is that he didn’t really want to get married when he got married or have kids when he and his wife had kids; he felt family and societal pressure to get married/have kids in his late 20s/early 30s and so he just “went along with it.” And then realized later that this wasn’t the life for him. He did not want to be a dad or a husband or have a house; he wanted to be footloose and fancy-free and do whatever he wanted when he wanted to do it. After 13 years and two kids and a house and cross-country moves for jobs, and and and.

              Thing is, I would also just love to do what I wanted whenever I wanted to do it, and I think most people feel that way at some time or another. But we love other people and want the best for those people – especially when they’re our children (hopefully) and so we don’t just try to chuck it all and walk away from our obligations because of our own selfish needs.

              I truly believe that a person has to have some kind of personality disorder to really be able to follow through with the “I just don’t want to do this any more” detachment from commitment. I don’t understand the mentality, and never will. What’s more, I don’t think someone who can casually and without remorse emotionally detach from their spouse and children can change that mentality without a lot of self-motivation and effort. And so the OP is better off just calling it, and getting a divorce. I don’t know how you make someone care about something they so clearly should care about because, hello, they made the decision to bring these children into the world. How do you fix or change someone who doesn’t love and want the best for their own child??? Better for the child(ren) to let that person go and make space for the people in their lives who do care about them.

              1. Some people just seem unbelievably spoiled and entitled. I don’t get it because they can be caring people who contribute and show up in other ways, but then take a stance like “I’m going to up end a bunch of people’s lives because I’m just not feeling it and that’s my boundary.”

    11. Coming back to say he’s made is crystal clear what he wants. I think it’s imperative for you to get yourself to therapy so you can get some clarity about what YOU want.

        Big hugs to you, OP. This is awful and you and your kids deserve better.

        1. And yes, get yourself to a lawyer while you’re at it.

    12. I knew one guy who said this — he didn’t want to be a father anymore. Baby was 9 months old, and I remember thinking… I didn’t know that was an option?!

        They were divorced within 3 months, and funnily enough his new wife gave birth 6 months later.

        Wild guess, but I’ll bet your husband is also having an affair already.

        1. “They were divorced within 3 months, and funnily enough his new wife gave birth 6 months later.”

           I commented above but – my husband has had two coworkers leave their wife and kids saying they were “overwhelmed” and “their life just wasn’t working” – and then go on, within ten years, to remarry and have two or more additional children with their new (usually 10+ years younger) wife. And then make the exact same complaints about how much time is taken up with family activities and how they feel trapped, etc. I just chalk it up to rampant narcissism as I don’t know how else you explain it.

        2. My thought exactly. These are the words of someone who already has a different life (with a different woman) in the works.

           1. Yup.

           2. that is not necessarily true. it’s definitely a possibility that OP’s husband is having an affair, but i dont think its a guarantee

              1. I think it’s pretty much a sure thing he’s checked out of the marriage though. Whether that is because he’s having a physical affair, an emotional affair or just him deciding he’s done, I don’t know. But I think it’s pretty clear he’s done.

    13. I am so sorry. I generally agree with the commenters who encouraged you to get therapy for yourself and consider a divorce, but one other thing to throw out there: is he depressed? When my husband was in a huge depression, he was a little like this – he still went through the motions of cooking and cleaning and driving, but he never seemed to have any enjoyment or pleasure in parenting and he was emotionally disconnected. He needed major help (and still needs it; it will be a lifelong thing for him.) Once he fixed the depression, he found joy and pleasure and engagement in parenting again.

        However: being his partner while he went through that was profoundly challenging for me, and I’m not sure that I have fully “come back” from how his depression impacted me. That’s why you deserve therapy for yourself, EVEN IF he’s the one who needs mental health treatment.

    14. You’re wrong the answer isn’t therapy it’s a divorce.

23. Help me to respond appropriately to a friendly acquaintance. I’m in my 30s, newly married, no kids. I met a lovely older lady through one of my volunteer organizations. We’ve been out to dinner together once or twice over the past year, I’m fond of her but I wouldn’t say we’re super close. Her husband is in the hospital with kidney failure and is on dialysis. She texted me today to tell me that he ur!nated. That’s the entire message. I don’t know anything about kidney failure but I’m guessing that’s a good thing? Is a congratulatory message appropriate here? Should I do something else like send flowers or food?

    1. I’d send a text with emojis 💛💛💛
       I’m more of a dog person so bodily function texts are pretty common and a little potty humor always appreciated.

       1. Love the yellow hearts and I would also send something similar to my fellow dog owning friends.

          Op, you’re this woman’s friend. She wouldn’t reach out unless she needed a friend. Just say something like “that’s wonderful, so happy to hear.”

    2. That’s an AMAZING thing. Yes, you should send back a bunch of celebration emojis. Send her your best wishes, and that you hope that it continues.

       I know that post from her sounds like an inappropriate thing, but thank your lucky stars that you haven’t had a relative yet in the hospital in a similar situation. Many of us will, at some point. What she is telling you is that while her husband was dependent upon machines to urinate because his kidneys were not working (and for many, they will never work again), his kidneys may now be starting to recover because he urinated on his own.

       It is kind of you to even post this question.

       And it is always wonderful to send some food that is easy to throw in the fridge or freezer so she can eat when it is convenient. A gift card to the coffee/restaurant chain at her husband’s hospital is also an amazing thing.

       1. Thank you for this thoughtful response and explanation! Generally an adult wetting themselves wouldn’t be good news so I was a little unsure how to respond! Reminds me of that period in my 20s when friends would text me that they’re pregnant and I wasn’t sure whether to congratulate or offer support and condolences.

          I love the yellow heart suggestion above, chef’s kiss.

          1. She didn’t say he wet himself; he just pee’d. Most likely in the toilet, or a cup for the docs to check. :-)

             1. Yeah I’m not sure where you’re getting that he wet himself?

    3. Lol. Just text back “hooray!! Congratulations!!”

       No need for flowers etc.

       1. But it’s nice to support a friend when their loved ones are in the hospital with serious conditions.

          Food is always the answer.

    4. I agree with all of the above responses, and I also think there’s a teeny tiny chance that text was meant for somebody else. (But a congratulatory response and even a gift of food would still be appropriate!)

       1. I was also thinking that she may have meant to send the text to someone else. But I still think a nice response from OP would be warranted.

       2. I also thought the text was likely meant for someone else. But I’d still say “great news!” Or something like that.

       3. I think the chance the text was meant for someone else is much bigger than teeny tiny.

24. How have you taught yourself to enjoy being alone? I’m 40s, divorced five years, child is with father 40% of the time. I hate my time alone in the house. I have plenty of friends, a long-term boyfriend/partner (but he has his kids full time, so we only spend a couple of hours together/weekend), but I can’t rely on them for constant entertainment/company.
    When I wake up on the weekends my kid is gone and I don’t have plans, I get really sad. As an example, Saturday I went straight to the gym, then came home and got back in bed for hours before I could motivate to do anything.
    I’m generally pretty good at doing things on my own: I ended up hiking alone on Sat afternoon…I go to the movies, theater, etc by myself when no one is available. But I just don’t enjoy it the way I would with a companion. And being home alone is the worst, even with music blasting and cats to cuddle with.
    I actually consider myself an introvert but I grew up with four siblings — I always had a companion, and I enjoy a lot of hobbies that can be solo but are so much better with friends: baking (better when the end product is shared with others), hiking, etc. Solo hobbies like running only take up like an hour of the day and then I feel the empty hours stretching out before me.
    It doesn’t happen all the time, but every month or two the solitude hits really hard and it’s difficult to dig out of it. The rest of the time I’m pretty satisfied with my life. Any tips to learn to enjoy the quiet instead of feeling trapped and lonely would be so appreciated

    1. Following closely. Three day weekend in the US just ending had me super lonely.

    2. It sounds like you need friends. Can you join group activities related to things you like? Are there local hiking groups?

    3. I got a dog. He gets me out of the house and doing things, and when I’m feeling lonely there’s always someone who’s happy to have me come home.

       1. Dogs are also a great way to meet people!

       2. +1. Even when I was going through depression, having my dog cuddled up in bed or on the couch made things feel less lonely. And you have to get up to take them out and go for walks. And depending on your location, you may even meet people at the dog park or on the sidewalk in the process, giving you at least a little people interaction.

    4. Maybe make a plan that gets you out of the house those weekends, so you know that this weekend your child will be at his dad’s and you have a 9am shift at the….food bank/running store/local gardening co-op? Have a grown-up playdate scheduled so friend X is coming over to play boardgames/help you paint the living room/do a rose wine tasting? Essentially create a schedule so you aren’t facing the wakeup-and-now-what scenario, eliminating the home alone problem. If nothing else, it’s good practice for when child is off to college, if that helps you reset mentally.

    5. My very introverted self learned that I need to interact with people daily. So, if I don’t have plans, coffee shop and/or group workout class and/or eating at the bar of a restaurant.

    6. I make plans……plan A and B. If plan A with another person/s fails for whatever reason, then I have a plan B.
       The B plan is still something I want to do, be it a hobby, gallery, binge watch, whatever. I have learned to do
       this because if I only had a plan A and it failed I was …honestly…bereft. It helped immensely.

    7. I’d suggest a first goal of learning to be OK with being alone, rather than learning to enjoy it. You’ll be doing tons better simply by being OK, even if you never enjoy it.

       “Being home alone is the worst” and “feeling trapped and lonely” and “got back in bed for hours” all point to a very strong reaction that can set in when you’re alone. Along with the practical suggestions others have given you, I’d do some internal work. Identify the story you’re telling yourself about being alone. What new story could you replace it with? (Therapy as needed to help with this.) Your current story would be things like, “Being in the house all by myself on the weekend means that _____ has happened to me. It means my life is _____. Growing up, I always thought this about people who are home alone by themselves _____. When I was home by myself, it meant ____ and felt like _____. Now being alone means I am this kind of person ______. It means my future will look like ______.”

    8. I might be reading too much into it, but are you happy with the amount you’re seeing your partner? A couple of hours each weekend is not a lot for a committed relationship when you’re adults. I’m very introverted and LOVE being alone, but I can still feel lonely when I don’t feel like I have enough going on in terms of spending time with people I care about. It sounds to me like you’re feeling lonely, not that you don’t enjoy being alone. And if you’re feeling lonely, the answer is to fix the loneliness by building new relationships (possibly including a new partnership if you want more time with your partner than this man is willing to give).

       1. +1, great and excellently-worded comment. I thought this too. Someone can be a good person and fun to be with, but not be the right person to be in a relationship with if they’re never available. To me, part of being in a partnership is that the person is around some significant percentage of the time (what “significant” means can vary, of course).

          OP, if you want more companionship than you’re getting, you might consider either A. talking to your current partner about what you need or B. finding another partner who will be more available to you. Don’t settle for scraps of someone’s attention. Your guy may be great, but there are other great guys out there who would have more time for you in their life.

25. In the depths of winter I bought cute summer dresses that all have openwork on the straps. Didn’t think about the undergarment situation… I need a new strapless bra anyway – recs for something comfortable and non-binding? I’m a B cup so something that doesn’t compress too much would be great, but all the ones I’ve had in the past have needed to be really tight around my ribs to stay up and got uncomfortable as the hours passed. Surely technology has improved in the last decade?

    1. Whenever I have had to wear a strapless bra I have used one of those stick on bras, specifically NuBra. They stick on well and I often forget I’m even wearing it. I could never go back to the traditional strapless bra the digs in while never staying up.

    2. I don’t really like the standard molded cup strapless bras. If you can find a regular balconette style bra that you like, just wear it with the straps down at your sides. If your bra fits properly, where all of the support is coming from the band and not the straps, it will work fine.

    3. You should try the sticker thingy. They are single use skin toned stickers, essentially a circular bandaid. Obviously you don’t get any support with these.

    4. Silicone pasties/sticky covers are probably the way to go if you don’t need a ton of support. The river site has a bunch of options — i have the ones from Nippies

26. Need help from the group here — last Friday I went to the salon to have my balayage refreshed. I told the stylist what I wanted, showed a photo of me with my hair in the color described, then wham 3 hours later it is nothing like what I described/showed. It’s much, much too light for me. Looks nothing like what I showed. I don’t look like myself, I don’t feel like myself. I make a significant move (so cannot go to the amazing person who used to do my hair) and this was my second time with this stylist. Prior time was fine – not amazing, but I’m happy with fine.

    What’s my recourse here — wait ~6 weeks and go somewhere else? Am I out of bounds for asking for a refund? I do not want to have this person near my hair. I also do not want to do anything more to it and have unhealthy looking hair on top of the bad color.

    1. Too light means that your color was lifted – bleached, which is necessary for highlights – but not enough color was deposited over the bleach. What you need is a toner, which won’t have bleach in it, so it shouldn’t damage your hair. If you truly don’t want this stylist to touch your hair again, which sounds like a pretty extreme reaction, then you can even diy with a color-depositing conditioner. But you really should go back to her to make it right, even if you never go back again. You should not be charged for a correction.

       1. I agree with the idea about toner, and that there are some home products that could probably tone down the OP’s hair a bit.

          I don’t think it’s an extreme reaction for OP not to want the same stylist to try to fix her hair. I had a bad experience with a stylist once and when I asked for a correction, she was so surly about it that the correction ended up worse than what I started out with. Now I only give people one chance to screw up my hair; if I am unhappy with the result and feel like I wasn’t listened to, I just never go back to that stylist.

          If OP doesn’t want to escalate to the salon owner (which – I have had salon-owner clients tell me they much prefer to have people contact them about a problem with a stylist, rather than just disappear and complain online or to friends – one owner I work with is more than happy to work directly with a customer to solve a hair problem, if the customer doesn’t want to re-engage with the stylist), she could get some referrals to a different stylist or salon and seek out help from someone else, but then she’d have to pay for it. Might be worth it, though, if she’s truly unhappy with her hair as-is.

    2. Have you washed it a few times? I had a similar experience recently where I left the salon thinking “WTF” but after I washed it a few times it mellowed out a lot.

       But I would call the salon and explain you’re not happy with the results and ask if there’s anything they can do about it, either to fix the color or to give you a refund of some sort.

    3. My understanding is that you can/should contact the stylist for a correction (or even in extreme cases the salon owner but that’s extreme extreme).

    4. This exact thing happened to me two days before our family photos were scheduled. My bff is our photographer so I mentioned to her how disappointed/panicked I was. She responded “what?! Your hair looks great!” I was actually looking at the photos again this weekend and my hair does look great. So maybe ask for a second opinion or give it a week for your eye to adjust. If you truly hate it and can’t stop obsessing I’d ask for a correction. But I’m always hesitant to let someone who butchered my hair touch it again.

    5. Call the salon today. They’ll either tell you to try a clarifying shampoo for a few days or ask you to come into the salon right away. I doubt they’ll give you a refund but they’ll probably fix it for free. During the correction appointment show the stylist your inspo photo again and ask them how warm, cool, light, and dark they think it looks in comparison to your current color. They’ll either admit they messed up or you’ll learn how to alter your request in the future. FWIW some stylists are better than others at adapting the inspo photo to fit your complexion.

    6. I would wait 6 weeks and go somewhere else and explain what happened to the new stylist. I absolutely would not ask for a refund. I know that asking for a correction is the correct thing to do, but I totally wouldn’t. Too much investment in a stylist relationship that I don’t want to maintain, and just not worth it for me. I’ve been getting my hair color treated in various ways since I was 15ish, and sometimes a bad color job just happens.

27. Hoping this crowd could help me with this. I recently saw a woman that wore a jean jacket that looked perfect in every way. The only thing I could decipher about the brand was that there was a paragraph symbol a couple of places on the jacket. Does anyone know what fashion brand would have a paragraph symbol as their logo? Thanks to the one person who responded yesterday, but I don’t think it’s Pilcro.

    1. Seconding the Pilcro– was this the logo?
       https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/pilcro-classic-denim-jacket5?quantity=1

    2. Pilcro is the brand whose logo is a paragraph symbol. Perhaps it’s an older style?

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