Coffee Break: Old Money Laundry Detergent

70 Comments

1. I try to be generally positive about the products shared here and maintain a good for you, not for me attitude, but this is some late-stage capitalism bs. The $42 “deal” gets you 16 ounces of detergent, which supposedly covers up to 30 loads of laundry. And the scent booster covers less than that! Why would I spend more than a dollar per load on detergent?

   Unrelated, but SNAP benefits are ending in 3 days. Local food banks need your money.

   1. +1

   2. Amen.

   3. i know people who could afford to spend this on laundry detergent…but they still buy their’s at target, the grocery store, etc. this is beyond unnecessary.

      1. to be fair the scent of scented detergents at those kinds of stores is truly heinous

         1. All the big brands have “free and clear” versions which I have been using for decades. On the rare occasions some of my household laundry is washed elsewhere, I notice the scent because our own laundry is never scented.

            1. Same here.

               I do have a few coworkers who use heavily scented detergent, and it is memorable in a bad way.

            2. Free and clear is great and the big brands are effective and washer safe, but if someone insists on scented and can afford a decent scent, it’s a public service!

            3. 3:38 – As someone for whom scented products triggers migraines, allergy issues that interfere with my ability to breathe freely, and asthma complications, I beg to differ.

      2. And to call the scent “old money” ….

         1. Old money does not blow money.

            1. Right? Nobody with a house in the Hamptons is spending $42 on laundry detergent. Tide’s the only thing that gets stains out of your riding pants, anyway.

            2. I think I heard this phrase here and I occasionally whisper it to myself* when I need to discourage myself from silly spending. Like on a product like this.

               *I am not old money, to be clear.

            3. You *stay* wealthy by buying cost-efficient laundry detergent, among other things. Richest people I know love their costco and deals.

         2. Yes. I’m really exhausted by the use of “old money” as a term for marketing. Can we just not reinforce classist (and racist) notions about what kind of wealth is good enough? And not deploy those notions to sell more things that will sit in a landfill from now until the end of time? Call it “minimalist” or even “stealth luxury” but the whole “old money” thing is as bad distinguishing among “trash” by emphasizing that some is “white.”

         3. “old money” definitely sounds like the kind of scented deodorant my 7th grade boyfriend used three times throughout our relationship that lasted all of 2nd-4th period one tuesday

         4. Yeah, nobody likes a nepo baby yet “old money” still somehow has a positive context? Somehow being born to wealth makes you a better person? No thanks to that.

   4. yeah I can’t get past the name. I know people enjoy using expensive scents in their laundry, like that Glamorous wash stuff, a capful at a time to supplement an unscented basic soap. But yikes the name. Definitely no.

   5. +100

2. Help! I need to redo my firm photo and it is the dreaded full body photo.

   What should I wear? Pantsuit? Dress with blazer? (But then, hose? Tights? What SHOES? Argh!)

   Last time I wore a gray suit and it was fine, but I notice most of the other women in the firm have dress/blazer or skirt suits in their pictures.

   1. What outfit do you feel most confident in?

   2. Wear what looks best on you. If it were me, I’d wear a pant suit because I look great in pant suits and blah in skirt suits. And I’d choose a suit over separates because I think a column of color is often flattering in photos.

      1. This plus definitely wear heels unless loafers or something like that are your cheeky signature look.

      2. And of course black hides a lot of flaws, but focus on the fabric texture and shine too, because shine and drape can emphasize flaws

3. Did anyone score anything good at the Halsbrook closing sale? I really wanted to find something but left empty handed every time I checked.

   1. I got a cute blue block print dress that will be perfect for work in the spring/summer/early fall here in the south!

   2. Two boiled cashmere sweaters, one of which I am wearing as we speak. (The other has not shipped yet.) I think they were $140 each.

4. A vent…

   Do smarmy sales tactics actually pull in business? I have a legitimate company, one of the largest providers in my industry, who has the most obnoxious, smarmy creep hounding me. My requests to unsubscribe have not been honored. I just now blocked his email address and all the phone numbers he has used because he is a greasy, gross, and borders on harassment. His behavior alone has turned me off from ever doing business with this company. Do vendors actually drum up business with these tactics?

   1. Name drop the company so we can all avoid it too!

   2. I think these tactics appeal to people of this dude’s demographic. My wealthy Boomer in-laws would think this guy terribly charming and want to befriend him.

      Alternatively, people feel sorry for them. My husband began his career as a salesman, and he always gets mad when I shut down these guys. He feels guilty saying no so he always gets sucked in and then I have to be the bossy wife and remind him why we don’t need whatever they are selling or why we should take our business elsewhere.

   3. I am on some weird lists and get contacted by vendors completely outside of my line of work. What I do is market my product right back to them. I have a standard email I just modify “I’m not interested in X but perhaps I can interest you in Y? Check out our offerings at ……” That usually gets me off those lists and I never hear from them again.

      1. I do this too – they say they want us to help each other out, so why not

   4. You can report him to the tip line for his company. Provide details on what he is doing that you consider harassment, especially if it is all crossing the line into s*xual harassment.

      1. +1 that this would be a public service if OP is willing to do it (and I totally get not wanting to take more time, especially if it’s not certain if the company will handle this appropriately). If it’s a well-run company, they’ll do something about it.

      2. +1 please do this. I manage sales people (albeit at a smaller company) and fired a guy for making women feel uncomfortable..his wasn’t quite harassment but it was close enough and our management team (all male besides me) were horrified at his behavior and supported the decision to let him go 100%.

   5. What is wrong with you people? She gave the example of not unsubscribing and finding him creepy and the immediate jump is to publicly shame the company or f with another human’s livelihood? Here’s an idea—say clearly that you have no need for his services. Didn’t work? Make a 2 sec rule to send emails to junk. Half of those are marketing automation not a live human. Sales people don’t want to waste their time.

5. Long backstory: In February, my 84yo father ended the lease on his apartment in PA to “go on a driving tour of the country.” After a few mishaps and health issues, he stayed with in me in LA twice, for several weeks at a time, in my small, “I’m getting divorced after 19 years” lady apartment. I could not convince him to stay in LA (too big, too busy, too daunting – I get it). He returned to PA where I thought he would find a new place to live (“I’ll figure it out, don’t worry about me.” – Dad) but he did not. He has been living in his car in the Target parking lot of his previous small town ever since. He refuses to consider getting a new apartment. A caseworker from the county’s department of aging did a wellness check – she said he shows no signs of cognitive decline so although she sympathizes, there’s really nothing she can do for him. So, I’m just living with it … waiting for him to decide he’s had enough and is willing to make a change or accept some help.

   Yesterday, he led services for the church where we grew up (He is a retired minister with a D.Div! He used to be a regular dad!). Over the last two weeks, I’ve fielded numerous calls, texts and messages from a woman at the church who was concerned that he wasn’t replying to her and wondering if he was okay, if he was going to show up. I know this woman from my time there – she is very well meaning, but she is not someone we were particularly close to and she is A LOT. Today, she left me a long voicemail expressing concern about my dad and wanting to talk about it.

   Do I have to do this? Can I just text her – I appreciate your concern, truly. I know there are a number of things going on with my dad. I don’t agree with his choices but they are his own and until he’s willing to accept some help, there isn’t much I can do.

   I feel so much guilt – am I ignoring the situation so I don’t have to face it?

   1. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Do finances prevent him from affording a new place? If you were to find a place for him, would he live there? Or is this just a sheer stubbornness situation?

   2. Re. the church lady, I would brush her off politely. It’s none of her business.

      Re. his living situation: I would be concerned that at some point he’d be arrested for trespassing or the like. You can choose to let this happen as a wake-up call (the choice I’d probably make at this point), or you may prefer to try to persuade him to secure housing. Is there a trusted non-busybody at the church, perhaps the current pastor, who could help intervene and refer him to services? I would suspect that there is mental illness, cognitive decline, and/or undisclosed financial hardship behind his decision to live in his car, and it might be less embarrassing for him to reveal this to a trusted third party than to his own daughter or a stranger from the county.

   3. Why not sic this well-meaning lady on him? Perhaps she (and the church) could be a positive influence on him.

      1. Yup. Are you SURE it’s a bad thing that people in the church know what your dad is doing?

         I’d totally out him to this woman and anyone else at the church who is inclined to help. Winter is coming. Your dad needs a warm place with a shower and a kitchen and a bathroom. Is there any chance that they could badger / cajole / annoy him into taking some kind of action?

         1. Yeah, I would take this lady’s call in a hot minute and let her be my local eyes and ears.

   4. Per the other commenter, are his finances in a place where he can easily get another apartment? If the answer is yes (and I hope so–problems are easier to solve with money) I wonder if he just wants a little bit more freedom that comes with being unmoored.

   5. I’m sorry – this sounds very stressful for you. You don’t have to explain yourself or your dad to this woman. Text her with what you planned and then decide on some kind of “I know you mean, well, but this isn’t a conversation I’m going to engage in” kind of response ready. You don’t have to talk to her about this.

      1. Perhaps I’m overly suspicious, but I wouldn’t assume that this woman is well-intentioned, especially if she thinks (or knows) that he has some assets that could come her way if she is his caregiver or new spouse. This happened to a (gay) friend of mine – he passed away suddenly and a female friend of his started running around claiming they’d been engaged.

   6. For the church woman, yes, what you drafted above is fine. Send it and don’t feel obligated to share more, or to take a call with her.

      1. +1 that the draft message is good. I have experience taking calls from the well-meaning person who thinks more things can be controlled than is really possible with respect to elder care.

         My parent and I would have been better off if I sent a message like what you’re sending rather than taking the calls.

   7. Could you move into a quieter part of LA and insist he move in with you?

      1. I know this is well meant but I want to reiterate something I say every time this comes up here (because I lived it):

         You cannot “insist” that a competent adult do anything. You can beg; you can plead; you can put conditions on any assistance you offer. But adults get to go to h*l in their own way. If a social worker has said he is competent, you are stuck with that reality, even if his choices are objectively terrible. In your place, I would call the rector/minister at his church and explain the situation and ask for any assistance they might be able to offer in convincing him to change his living situation. They might have more influence and almost certainly have connections and experience with elder issues. And depending on the denomination, they might be able to bring in someone who acknowledges as having authority over him.

         1. Case managers for the county are not well trained for establishing competency from one brief visit. OP, I would be concerned and would follow-up on what is going on with him.

            1. Did the case work actually screen him for cognitive decline? That’s a PCP eval.

   8. Yes, you can just text her. Your response is good.

      As I had some very difficult mental health issues with my stubborn father before he died, I really feel for you. There are a few things that come to mind.

      Does he have a friend / person he respects in PA that he might listen to? If so, I would call that person and chat with them and see if they have any insights and if they might reach out to him. Sometimes your parents will listen to their peers.

      I would just fly out there, at some point. Maybe for Thanksgiving as an excuse, if you think he will respond negatively. You can stay in a hotel (or did you grow up in PA and have friends there?) and get him indoors with you briefly. And I would try to see if you can go with him to see some folks who may be your allies.

      Has he seen his primary care doctor since returning to PA, after having multiple illness in LA? It might be amazing to be at that appointment with you. Give the doctor’s office a head’s up that he is living in his car and you are concerned. Sometimes a doctor “prescribing” that he needs to move out of a car will do the trick. The doctor can warn him that with cold weather coming, his risk of stroke will increase dramatically just from exposure. And clearly your dad needs a doctor to assess if he shows sign of cognitive decline or depression, which can be contributing to the situation.

      I would also contact the social worker before going out there to see if there are specific senior housing building that you can try to get him on a waiting list for, and see if the SW could meet with both of you again when you are there as well.

      Is this a financial issue?
      Do you think he is showing cognitive decline?

      1. Agree with all of this. Winter is coming and there is no way I would be okay with my parent living in their car in PA. (I just got back from a weekend in Northeast PA and — whew! I couldn’t wait to get back to So Cal!) I would be willing to risk him being very very angry in order to get him into some safe housing, and I would also fly out there and do whatever I could to make it happen.

         As for Church Lady, it’s none of her business and your text is fine.

      2. I think your text to ChurchLady is totally fine, but tbh, I would put up with someone who is A Lot but has physical eyes on a relative I’m worried about. But, “A Lot” can range from “yes, the neighborhood gossip, but also the person who always knows who needs a casserole”, or “kinda lonely and would happily chat for 60 minutes but can get to the point if I tell her I’m on a deadline” to “really not someone I want in my life” — you know better than internet strangers what you’re dealing with. And maybe not a factor if you’re regularly in contact with other folks in PA who are easier to deal with.

         Not what you asked; but any chance your dad would be interested in/could afford an RV? If wanting flexibility is his main thing, that could scratch the adventure itch, gives him the option of moving somewhere warmer for winter, or renting a space at a place with hookups, a real bed with a full mattress, etc.

   9. I know a family that owns an assisted living facility and per the person I know in that family stubborn old men is A Thing.

      I am experiencing same. Elder father is perfectly mentally capable but absolutely determined to take no advice and do what he wants, regardless of consequences. ER trips for severe constipation due to refusal to believe he needs more than 20 ounces a day – yep. Purchased treadmill when cannot even walk but a few steps with a walker, despite me pleading with him that it’s not safe – yep. Etc etc etc.

   10. I’m sorry. That is so stressful. 84 is getting to the age when people can’t take care of themselves anymore and one fall/illness can lead to rapid decline. Do you have any siblings/family members to discuss this with or long-time family friends who might have advice, so you can feel more confident about your options and what to do?

   11. I think you need to get out to PA to visit him ASAP.

   12. I would reach out to the pastors / elders / deacons at the church you mentioned. Ask for a call, discuss your concerns about your dad. They can stay in relationship with him, and realize if/when he is in danger.

       They can also talk to him as peers. When my grandfather was refusing to accept his limits for a while, he was always offended by suggestions from the younger generations.

   13. I don’t see how living in a car going into winter by choice can be seen as competent.

       It’s not like it’s a camper van and he’s a lifestyle blogger and that’s how he makes his content or something.

       1. Someone could, for example, be in dire financial straits but decide their honor/pride/independence is more important to them than anything else; and they’d rather live in their car than tell their family they need help. Some people feel that way about accepting social services or public assistance too. (See also: American culture values “not being a burden” more than practically anything).

          Or, I dunno, there’s a certain kind of cachet/mental toughness/self-image involved in living in your car in some social circles. Like, if you’re 21 and really into rock climbing, and sleeping in your car so you can work just enough shifts at the bar to buy gas and granola bars…sure, you’re partly optimizing for maximum number of hours climbing, but, if you’re honest, you’re *also* partly optimizing for the ability to tell your bros they’re not as hardcore as you. If a 21-year-old can make that decision (even if I’m kind of rolling my eyes and hoping they grow out of it), a 80 year old can too.

          To be clear, I think these are bad decisions! But we let people make bad decisions all the time, it doesn’t automatically change when you turn 75 or something.

       2. And yet homelessness exists. We do not force homeless people (even mentally ill ones) into facilities against their will. Perhaps we should; but I am not aware of any state in which choosing to be homeless when options exist qualifies as a “danger to yourself” sufficient to warrant a finding of incompetence.

          I really, really wish there were better options. My family member had a severe and diagnosed mental illness but there was simply nothing we could do to force him into a better living situation, even without any financial issues. And believe me when I say we broke our hearts trying. I think OP should do what she can; but she should not feel guilty if it turns out that with all the love in the world, she cannot fix this.

          1. But there is a significant difference between a relative who is 22 or 42 or… 82. If he gets re-hospitalized, chances are low that they will release him back to his car.

   14. This is a very hard situation – adults get a lot of leeway to make affirmatively bad decisions for themselves if they are not a danger to others. You don’t have to talk to this woman, a text is fine.

       Would you consider going out there and trying to set him up in an extended-stay-type place? He’d be out of the elements at least.

   15. My mother sunk into dementia and other mental illness over a period of several years. She was highly dysfunctional during this time – in constant conflict with other people due to paranoid delusions, leading to housing insecurity; involved in multiple car accidents; unable to properly feed and care for herself, etc. I was attempting to manage the situation from another state. I got Adult Protective Services involved early on, but there was little they were willing or able to do. I was repeatedly told by caseworkers who checked in on her that she “seemed fine” long after this was definitely not the case. She was ultimately involuntarily committed (and then transferred to memory care once stabilized on medication) after she started physically attacking neighbors, but that came at the end of a long road.

       OP, I’d say it’s very unlikely that your father is living in his car in a Target parking lot because he just wants to do that. He’s more likely either unable to afford new housing, or cognitively unwell. The social worker who checked on him in his car would not have been able to determine whether he has a health problem, and in my experience, the threshold for “in need of social services intervention” is extremely high. As to the “church lady,” I would’ve been so thankful for a concerned friend or member of the community willing to support my mother, who was very socially isolated. If you don’t think the “church lady” is the right person, maybe you should check in with the pastor of the church to see if you can engage that person. Your father needs help.

   16. This was my dad – gave up his apartment and lived locally in his car – to save money. Has your dad returned to face a rent increase?

       Yes, lots of people contacted me – he was well enough, and competent enough, that he was left alone. What shifted for my Dad was getting some of his pension straightened out. Then he was back to being housed (in-house efficiency apartment with shared bathroom)…and being very, very quiet about not purchasing health insurance, and also being evasive with health questions. His lack of healthcare caught up with him. He called me, and we navigated the healthcare system together.

       He was at peace with all of his decisions. It still sucked. He’s still my (late) Dad, and it did rankle when a former friend said (thoughtlessly) that he was the only homeless person she knew – it was a tiny fraction of an otherwise very full life.

       For the lady at church, your text is fine. In this case, living in a car is not an emergency, it’s his choice. You do want to hear about any actual emergency.

       I had to tell my out of town siblings – if you think you can do better, come do it – I will give you a free place to stay. You do remember how he can be if he does not agree with you. In our circumstance. he did not agree with any of us. None of my siblings made any special trip. Once we got on the same page about financial matters. I met him at the local library near his P.O. Box and started going through rubber-banded packs of mail with him, making (shared) phone calls and requesting and processing paperwork. Maybe your dad has more going on with computer literacy?

       Ideally your dad has a smartphone with great battery life and a couple of chargers, and can use the computer stations at the local library. I hope any wakeup call of his is mild. It’s a great sign that he is active with his church. I hope the church lady can speak with your dad (a competent adult) in a way that is helpful and does not put him off of his community. My dad communicated at the pace of snail mail, and he had a habit of showing up at the date and time agreed to without any interim communications – so it might be that Church Lady should adjust, or accept that her number might be blocked.

       You are doing your best in a difficult situation.

6. I think there are a few commenters who have taken or currently take glp1s – have any of you struggled with insomnia on the meds? I keep waking up around 3am every night and it’s leaving me exhausted in the morning. Already taking magnesium at night.

   1. Yes, but insomnia is also part of my nature, the medication just exacerbates it.

   2. How long have you been taking? I am currently microdosing .5mg tirzepetide and noticed this effect for about 3-4 weeks and then it went away. I’ve also recently switched to taking my HRT at night as progesterone is supposed to help with sleep (only been about a week).

   3. I’m on rebelsys (I’m sure I’m not spelling that right… the pill form taken daily). No issues with insomnia, although before the glp1 I have had the same issue. It started with menopause for me. Part of the reason I’m on the glp1 in the first place. Could it be a menopause symptom?

   4. Have you gotten screened for sleep apnea or other sleep conditions? I understand your symptom can be associated with sleep apnea or anxiety, among other causes. I am not on a GLP but I use a CPAP machine and it’s been really helpful.

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