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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of Banana Republic Factory, asking it to photograph its clothing in a way that actually allows you to see the garment.
Regardless of the photographic challenges, I think this sweater-like top from BR Factory would be a great wardrobe addition for fall. I run hot, so thick sweaters are often a no-go for me, but I like the idea of a cozy, sweater-soft fabric without the bulk.
I would wear this tucked into a pair of wide-leg pants with some fun jewelry for an easy business-casual outfit.
The top is $30 at Banana Republic Factory and comes in sizes XXS–XXL. It also comes in four other colors.
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
anon
I have several of these tops and love them!
Senior Attorney
Helpful hint: I always click on the lightest color so I can see what the garment actually looks like.
Anon
I ordered this top in the maroon color (forget actual name) and just received it.
#1 I did not realize there was a big seam down the middle of the back. Does that bother you at all?
#2 Mine came with a million wrinkles in it. Should I machine wash cold then lay flat to dry to get the wrinkles out?
#3 Have you noticed your shrinking any if you follow the instructions on the label?
Thanks!
Wedding gift advice
Heading to a wedding this weekend – What is the standard wedding gift (money) these days for a friend? When I got married and attended a million weddings about 10 years, I feel like the standard was $100/person, but wanted to see what people are giving and receiving these days.
For context, the wedding is for a friend – we’re not super close, but friends. I actually haven’t seen her in years because of the pandemic and life. I gave a $50 present for the bridal shower that I was not able to attend. Northeast wedding and do not have to pay anything extra for accommodations. No specific budget constraints but no need to give too much or appear too cheap.
Lily
If you’re going solo, I’d say $150. If you’re going with a date, I’d say $200. For a close friend, I’d do $200 solo/$300 couple. My advice would change if you’re in a small town, or outside the coasts.
Anon
I think this is completely dependent on the slcial circles you run in and your own financial situation. We typically give $100 for friends and $50-$75 for people we are not as close to (distant cousins, old coworkers). This seems to be the norm in our friend group. We had one friend give us $200 a year later and a handful of people gave us what I considered surprisingly large gifts ($300, $500) which is incredibly appreciated but not at all expected! However, if you’re running with wealthier crowds in New York, for example, I’m guessing it’s a bit higher. I am in the Midwest.
Anon
I just got married this summer, late 30s. I did not have a shower or a registry. We’re both established professionals (but not like Big Law) and are in the NE. We received anywhere between $150-500 from couples, with most couples giving around $300. Some younger cousins who are not quite established yet gave $50 or nothing. One couple gave us 200 Euros (cash) which was super sweet, because they knew we were going to Europe on our honeymoon.
Anon
I love the idea of giving Euros for a honeymoon!
Anonymous
I’d do $100 since you also sent a shower gift and are not super close.
Anon
Yea, I would give $100 to $150.
Anonymous
would give a gift so I didn’t end up on someone’s mental ranking of how much mo ey I gave.
Anon
In many parts of the northeast (particularly NYC metro) gifts are not given for weddings, only cash/check. Gifts are given for the shower.
Anon
Our rule of thumb is $50 for relatives who are older and more established than us (for context we’re almost 40), $100 for friends and $200 for close friends and family members who are younger than us. We have also given more in unusual situations (like the bride’s family bought hotel rooms, so we gave our standard gift + a big chunk of what we would have spent on the hotel).
Anonymous
Is this per person or per couple? A couple Only giving $50 or $100 feels very low
Anon
Per couple, but we’re in a very different income bracket than most people on this board. Our HHI is very low six figures, most of our friends and family members are high five figure or low six figure HHIs. From talking to friends, $100 is very much the generic friend gift for a dual professional couple who are done with school. I would expect people who are in grad school or supporting a family on one income often give less. Fwiw, though I listed all the categories, the vast majority of weddings we attend are for close friends and younger family members, so $200 is what we usually give.
Anonymous
Why should a 40+ year old get more than $50 from a younger relative? For getting married? And if this is a cover-your-plate thing, then people need to realize that attending your weeding is usually an obligation that costs quite a lot for the guest and not some great benefit the guest is receiving. If you don’t want to pay for my dinner, don’t invite me.
Peloton
+1 to giving more to couples that are less established than us and less to couples that are more established than us.
Vicky Austin
A+ quip re BRF’s weird photographic choices, Elizabeth. That made my morning.
Anon
Yes! The photos at BR are so bad! It just makes me not to want to shop online because it’s useless.
Anon
+1 the awkward posing and photoshopping looks terrible!
Ribena
I spend too much time online – interpreted this comment as having to do with Harry’s SPARE cover and had to scroll back up to check
Vicky Austin
Haha I worried about that when I typed it! Clearly I also spend too much time online.
Cat
hahahaha I had the exact same thought. Spare looks SO BAD.
Anon
SO BAD but also I will be buying it ASAP for the juicy gossip. I think that’s what the publisher is counting on. They don’t really care if it’s well-written, just how much it sells.
AnonA
Also plan on buying SPARE asap.
Anon
Same! I’m like what BRF pictures and went straight to the Daily Mail.
Agree that Harry’s book looks super-cringe. IDK what to think re his advance for a 3-book deal. I know two actual authors and cannot fathom how ragey this must make them (they do OK and actually write their books). What I don’t get is why his book is so d*mn long — like it will be too heavy for me to want to lug around and read on the train (and I’m a book reader after reading a screen all day).
nina
3 books!!!! About what? Like yes he’s had a complicated life but also hasn’t like actually done enough things for 3 books
Anon
I know he’s a “famous” person (via being born into the right family vs anything he has actually done), but he is close to 40 and IMO any random Kennedy probably has as much public family tragedy and yet they (except the antivaxxer) generally STFU and have some dignity in their lives. So maybe 1 ghost-written book, but 2 more???
If the publisher is giving away $ like that, I can give them one decent book, no ghost-writer expense, and not be so greedy.
Anon
I’m an aspiring author, and I’m ok with the 3-book deal. Publishing is a business, and if this will bring the publisher a ton of money that it can then turn around and publish more books, maybe mine will be one of those!
Having said that, I have no idea what “he” will write for the next 2, nor do I think he’s that interesting. But I’m ok in general with publishers making deals that they think will bring in a ton of money.
Anonymous
I just don’t know who would buy books 2 and 3. Let alone 1. Predict will be like Daily Mail but with fewer pictures.
Anon
I just don’t understand why the last three big things Harry and Meghan have done (Harry’s book and both Meghan’s magazine covers) have those big close up shots of their faces that are flattering to no one. I don’t get the choice! (I also side eye them saying Oprah will be their one big “sharing their story” event and now we get regular magazine covers, a whole book, and the rumored Netflix reality show. It comes uncomfortably close to doing the same thing to Harry’s family that Meghan’s dad did to her, in my opinion.)
Anon
I’m glad I’m not the only one who read this as British Royal Family. I thought the Elizabeth was EHolmes.
Anon
Ok I didn’t get this tangent until you spelled out BRF. Thank you.
anon
I’ve given up on the BR sites. Whose genius idea was it to conceal every shirt and dress with a big jacket? Madness.
PolyD
And no white space! The page is an indistinguishable blob of beige, black, gray and navy. I have really cut down on my shopping at BR and BRF because it’s just not fun to look at the websites. Too much work to figure out if a particular beige blob is something I want to look at more closely.
pugsnbourbon
l hate the website. It’s an accessibility nightmare.
Curious
Can you tell me more? Curious as we build out tenets for a specific web /mobile initiative. Our accessibility team has given us basic pointers, but I’m trying to build my instincts.
Curious
(PS pugs — if you don’t have the energy for unpaid labor on accessibility, no big deal, was just curious)
pugsnbourbon
Oh sure – maybe I should have said “readability” vs “accessibility,” but they’re related. There’s not enough contrast between the text and the backgrounds of the photos to read clearly.
These are the Web Content Accessibility Guidelines, which your team may have already shared: https://www.w3.org/TR/WCAG21/
And then here’s the text and color info pulled out: http://web-accessibility.carnegiemuseums.org/design/color/
Curious
Oh, thank you. We don’t end up discussing contrast a huge amount (much more control, consent, and alt text), because the design system has contrast built in (or so I understand). But this is an area to watch for — when images and how they are styled create the issue.
Anon
As an aging person whose eyesight isn’t even that bad but is slowly deteriorating, low contrast is THE WORST and it is everywhere. I have a new iPad Air and the new virtual keyboard has very low contrast shift characters and it has made the keyboard much less usable.
Anon
Right? If you’re trying to sell me the shirt, just show me the shirt! Covering it up with a sweater and a jacket does not sell me on the merits of the shirt!
Anonymous
This probably explains why the only things I have bought from BR in years are outerwear.
Curious
+1.
Anon
Perhaps the bad photographs are intentional to disguise bad clothes?
anon
For those with very tight entry ways – do slim shoe storage cabinets actually help? I’m talking about the type with a door that folds down, you slip your shoes in, and fold it upwards. Usually around 8-9 inches wide total. Right now there is chaos in the entry way, and we are trying to figure out if this would help or just be another thing in the way. We live in a place with snow and mud, so we will at least need some dry-off shoe area, but maybe it could help with the “extra” pairs of shoes that accumulate at the door?
Anon
I had one of these (the Ikea one) in a prior place. It was good as long as you had a very limited number of shoes and didn’t try to overstuff it. Sneakers/flats/kids shoes fit well but boots and heels did not. We eventually got one of the ikea benches that has shoe shelves under it and that was much more helpful and still worked in a narrow hallway.
Anonymous
The rule would have to be that if someone wears a different pair of shoes on Tesday, they must remove the Monday pair when they deposit the Tuesday pair. is that a habit your family can create
Cat
Yes 100%, we have the Hemnes cabinet from Ikea. It holds 8 adult winter pairs easily, more in summer. Our “use multiple times a week” shoes all live in there.
Anan
We wanted to get one but when we looked into it, the one at Ikea said it had to be screwed into the wall, which we don’t want to do (vintage wood panelling in foyer).
Has anyone set one up without screwing it into the wall?
We eventually just limited everyone to two pairs of shoes lined up against the wall in the foyer and everything else in a basket in the coat closet. It’s not pretty but has been the simplest solution, though I also see snowy weather changing this.
Cat
Ikea’s slimmest cabinets only have 2 legs – they need the wall support
Elle
We have a skinny bench with a shoe rack underneath that fits our most commonly worn pairs of shoes (one pair of athletic shoes and one pair of school/work shoes), less commonly worn shoes are in an over the door shoe holder on the door of our coat closet.
Seafinch
I love the Ikea ones. We have put them in five houses.
Anona
HUGE help for us. We took the tall ikea one that has two double layer pullouts and hacked it with new hardware and sawed off the legs to add metal ones – functional still but now blends with our decor better. We have each of me and DH take a layer in the upper pullout – I can fit two pairs of tennis shoes, two pairs of Rothy’s and a pair of flip flops. Our small kids each take a layer of the bottom pullout, and just throw a bunch of pairs in there. The entry is 100% better and there was no room for anything bigger. We all keep extra lesser warn pairs in our bedroom closets.
Clementine
I have some time off of work and in that time, I’m going through and doing a full closet edit. …Anybody else realizing that they’re still wearing 10 year old clothes and have only bought 2 new work outfits since 2019?
I feel like I’m either overshooting or undershooting in formality. What are we wearing now? I get the ‘chunky sweater and a pair of straight legged jeans’ look. I get the ‘tailored suit in bold colors’ look. Suggestions for a middle of the road Wednesday so I don’t look helplessly out of date?
Anonymous
Silky blouses with straight or wide-legged pants with a few interchangeable toppers in complementary colors is where I am heading.
Lily
Slim (but not skinny) ankle-length trousers (pull-ons ideally) with a chunky knit sweater (not too long – cropped lengths are in) and oxfords or point toe flats (like Rothy’s). The chunky knit and slim but not skinny silhouette makes this on-trend, in my opinion. Neutral colors, like black pants, black shoes (but play with texture like patent leather or suede) and a beige, tan, camel or sand colored sweater.
This is really a menswear inspired look, but by showing your ankles and a slim cut on the pants, it is somewhat feminine.
pugsnbourbon
This is what I’ve been going for lately.
Anon
If I’m wearing 10 year old clothes that I still like, are in good shape, and fit, I consider that a win! I definitely have some suits/work dresses that fit that criteria.
I was never into the super skinny pants for work thing, so I’m mostly wearing slim/straight pants with sweaters/blouses or dresses with cardigans.
The main difference I’ve noticed in the last few years is that more clothes are meant to be worn looser, and flats are much more common. The 22 year old paralegals in my office are all wearing lug sole loafers, but otherwise I feel like everything I see people wear would have made sense in 2019 as well. For reference, I’m late 30s in NYC government, and my office was never fully remote and has been back in office full time for over a year.
Anon
Am wearing 15+ year old jeans today and 30+ year old boots (so anyone needing to justify your boot purchases, this is here to enable you).
Anon @ 9:58
I’m so proud of you!! And thank you for justifying the boots I bought last week :)
Duckles
Agreed! Keeping up with fashion is a losing battle— for your finances and the planet. I subscribe to a monthly rental box because it give you the fun of shopping and mixing in just one current piece to 10 year old clothes makes the whole outfit current enough.
Anon
I think silhouettes have changed a lot in 10 years. No more skinny pants and little cardigans.
Anon
Very true. And yet, my silhouette has not changed. So if the clothes fit, they get worn. I have long had an “old battle axe” vibe going on — sort of post-punk meets younger viking-in-opera minus the hat with horns and with brown hair.
NYNY
Your look is 100% goals
No Face
This is the benefit of dressing for yourself and your body rather than following trends. My clothes don’t perfectly match trends, so they don’t look completely out of date when the trends change.
Anon
The downside is that there can be years where there are basically never any RTW clothes that fit or that you like.
Anonymous
And not everyone wants an old battle ax repping the company, especially when you’re female (though they should). Things like culture fit and blah blah blah. Add it is even less of a luxury if you’re marginalized in any way by appearance. This is why WfH is so much better I’m some ways.
NYNY
I would agree that you won’t look current wearing those together, but an oversized sweater over skinny pants with lug-sole boots or loafers is a good look for a more casual day, and a little cardigan with high-waist wide-leg trousers totally works.
Anon
I have a crazy number of floofy party skirts. Which is weird for a pizza-and-beer girl. Who works in an office. It’s very aspirational, but IDK what job it goes with. Perhaps being a socialite?
Cb
Wear them to brunch? Could they be paired with a nice fitted sweater for your holiday lunch?
anon
Where do you get these skirts?? I’ve decided business casual means anything in good condition and a nice fabric. I would love to pair a blazer with a big poofy skirt but can’t find one.
Anonymous
Hard disagree but good luck to you.
Senior Attorney
I have been known to wear a floofy party skirt to the office with a blazer.
Also I totally wear them with cropped and/or fitted sweaters for weekend lunches and dinners.
Senior Attorney
Or even a cropped sweatshirt.
Anon
Laughing . . . I wore a 30 year old jacket yesterday.
Cat
Crewneck cashmere sweaters over slim pants; flats. I haven’t bought new work clothes since 2019, just that some pieces are in heavier rotation.
Anonymous
Let’s just say I realized it’s been so long since I did work clothes shopping that the wide legs pants I have are back in fashion again. I need to totally redo my work wardrobe but I have been trying to find new pants and absolutely nothing at my usual suspects fits right, I suspect because pandemic weight gain has shifted me from solidly pear shaped to slightly apple shaped. Where do I buy pants now? (nothing from talbots or ann taylor worked)
Anonymous
(And let’s not even talk about my work shoe collection. I have lots of lovely heels… that I can’t stand to wear anymore, and my flats are horribly out of date. And I have no idea what shoes to wear in the winter that aren’t boots)
Anon
I have a desk job, so I’m wearing them to sit at my desk in. So far, it’s working.
Anon
I have some old pieces here and there but my size changes so much that I shop most seasons. Plus I’m just a shopper. That said, some of my very basics are getting up there in hears, especially pieces I didn’t have a lot of use for during the pandemic – work blazers, work dresses. And I’m a knitter so many of my handknits are decades old. And I do wear just about all of my handknits.
anon
Things that look dated: Ballet flats, pencil skirts, button front cardigans, DVF-style wrap dresses, skinny ankle pants, jeans paired with a short blazer, skinny jeans with flats. Personally I think skinny black jeans are fine if you modernize the rest of your outfit (boyfriend blazer plus black booties that are taller than ankle height). But this is coming from a Chicagoan who scoffs at cropped straight jeans once the temperature drops. I still notice lots of skinny black jeans out in the wild but some people are anti-skinny in all circumstances.
Anonymous
I keep seeing on the interwebs that ballet flats are supposed to be back in. Have not seen them in the wild.
Anon GC
I just came back from a professional conference (Association of Corporate Counsel) and there were a lot of ballet flats alongside the loafers, points, and heels. The heels were definitely in the minority and the loafers were not lug soled. And we had a decent number of people in upscale sneakers – especially on days 2 and 3.
There were very few boots but it was Vegas so not really cold enough for them!
Anon
Ballet flats can be current (and are generally timeless IMO) if you pair with non-girly pieces. So like: oversized mens inspired button up with wide leg jean and ballet flats. Button front cardigans are in style if they are oversized and/or worn buttoned up and front tucked into straight/wide leg jeans (but agree, no slim fit classic button up cardigans…)
Anonymous
Could you customize a couch at Interior Define that you both could agree on?
Anonymous
The Sloan or Kendall couches at Interior Define might work. Very comfortable.
Anonymous
I have done a big cleanout but still have too many clothes. I also have a lot of work clothes that fit but don’t really suit my current figure or aren’t so current or aren’t great quality. I work in a not-very-fashionable office and go in only a couple of times a week. Some days are suit days, and I have those covered. I am much more interested in non-work clothes right now. So I have pretty much decided to wear something each day and, if I didn’t feel good in it, to donate or toss it. This should get me to the end of the cold season without spending much and help me curate to the best current or timeless things. I will regroup next year when my figure has settled a bit and I have more money and interest in work fashion.
Anonymous
I had a roommate in college who would turn the hangers around on any item of clothing she wore that season. If, at the end of the season, there was a seasonally-appropriate article of clothing on a hanger facing the original way, she knew she hadn’t worn it and got rid of it.
Anonymous
I probably need to combine these strategies so I can see what I wore and liked.
Couch probs
We need to buy a new couch for our open plan living room. Cannot be longer than 70” – ideally closer to 60”. My spouse and I cannot agree on a couch. He’s leaning towards modern/Scandinavian styles from online retailers (burrow, sabai, etc) and I am more inclined to go with something less stylish and more comfortable that I can sit on in a store to try – like we had a pottery barn love seat ten years ago that I loved but now he thinks would look “too bulky”. Sure, but at least I don’t feel like I’m in a waiting room when I sit on it! We have two kids and are generally hard on furniture but also don’t want to just buy something cheap if it’s not comfy. Our house is older (1890s) and I’m trying for “eclectic” style that leans more antique/traditional. We do both agree on leather for the fabric.
Any suggestions for specific couches? Good/bad experiences with online only retailers? Just get a bean bag?
Zennia
I love this couch, it meets his vibe, it’s comfy, and you can try it out in store – https://www.crateandbarrel.com/wells-leather-sofa/s378692?localedetail=US&storeid=605&a=1552&campaignid=12495285598&adgroupid=120645470284&targetid=pla-1461413768343&pla_sku=378692&pcat=FURN&ag=adult&gclid=Cj0KCQjw–2aBhD5ARIsALiRlwBNL4uif3Kz-vjOfrSaYloaQZkOVS3kWj-8rcclpZsYabjEDAQReesaAod7EALw_wcB
Couch probs
Oooh, I like that. It looks comfy. The apartment version is only 72” – maybe that would work.
anon
For something like a couch, I like being able to sit on it and see how comfortable it is. We went to a Macy’s showroom to get our new couches.
Couch probs
Yeah, me too. Forgot about good ol’ Macy’s! Thanks for the recommendation.
Anonymous
I love my Macy’s leather couch so much. It is about 10 yrs old and I think it has several years left in it. It does need a good cleaning, though.
Anon
I love my mid century Sven couch from Article. It’s really comfortable and looks sleek.
Couch probs
Nice. I like that velvet green version too.
Anon
That’s the one I have! It’s a perfect green shade IRL, too
Aunt Jamesina
I have the armchair version in blue velvet and it hasn’t held up well despite getting minimal use. Sun fading on one arm despite not being exposed to much sun and the cushions have lost their shape (and the bottom cushion isn’t reversible). The stuffing is too soft and loose for a piece that’s supposed to be structured. It is comfortable, though.
Anon
Huh, our couch is 5+ years going strong. No fading, heavy use by us and our dog
Aunt Jamesina
There are a lot of posts online of people who have similar issues to mine, especially for the velvet. I found threads on Houzz and Reddit where people said the same thing. Glad you haven’t had that experience!
Anonymous
The fabric on our Article couch pilled within six months. We’ve had it six years but I regret the purchase.
Anonymous
I like testing them out in person. We had a hard time finding a shorter length couch; ultimately got one from Ethan Allen. Arhaus might work for more modern styles–it was too modern for us (we like traditional), but they did have some comfy leather options.
Anon
I actually got mine at Raymour and Flannigan outlet and love it. I also heard good things about Article. My friend and her sister have one.
Anon
My husband has sat on Burrow couches in office buildings and in their brick-and-mortar showroom (NYC) and claims they are very comfortable. They also seem to hold up to spills, etc. He’s mostly convinced me to get one for our new house. Caveat that he prefers slightly shallower couches as we aren’t super tall and like our feet on the floor.
Anon
The feet hanging in the air thing is why I will never buy a couch that I have not personally tried. It is a struggle.
startup lawyer
Hay has mid century designs that are also cozy/comfy too.
If higher budget, then DWR Kelston
startup lawyer
Muuto also has higher end midcentury but still very comfortable couches. LIke the in situ or connect.
Or my dream couch is from Tacchini
Anon
https://www.1stdibs.com/en-gb/furniture/seating/sofas/restored-victorian-hand-dyed-brown-leather-sofa-claw-ball-feet-feather-cushion/id-f_22546102/
Please buy this
Anonymous
I didn’t know couches could be so expensive! Holy cow.
Anonymous
I have a Hancock and Moore sofa that was in my grandparents’ home. It is $$$ – more than this one – but incredibly well-made. They used it for at least a decade and I have had it in storage for years and it looks brand new.
Anon
I have had my extremely well made leather sofa since 1993 and it’s still going strong. I thought it was obscenely expensive at the time. It was custom made, but the original customer changed her mind so I got it at a discount.
little baker mouse
We have leather DWR Theatre sofas (we have both the loveseat and full size ones ). One of them is 10 years old and still looks (and feels) new. We bought both of them from DWR outlet stores, and felt like that was a good deal. They were manufactured by American Leather for DWR. We also tried and liked the Italian-made Como series of sectionals, but couldn’t justify the cost. The cushions are filled with down, not foam, so they felt very plush.
+1 on going to stores/showrooms and trying a variety of couches to see what you like, there are so many variables (height, depth, firmness / softness of cushions, how the sofa back meets the seat, etc.). We actually brought tape measures with us and also had the dimensions of our living room on hand.
little baker mouse
clarification – the Como has down-filled cushions. The Theatre has foam.
Senior Attorney
I see people upthread recommending Interior Define and my two cents on that is (a) good idea their sofas are great — I have the Jason Wu and love it, but (2) I’ve had two chairs on order for months and months and they are having supply chain issues and say they have no idea when they will actually be able to deliver. So beware.
Anonymous
I went to an Interior Define showroom and was incredibly underwhelmed. They all look like waiting room couches to me and the fabrics are awful.
Anon
I went with Sabai and am happy. The cushions softened up and it cleans up very easily. My cats failed to destroy it. Do they even have leather though?
Anonymous
You really need to see it and sit on it in person. I shopped on line and thought Couch A was perfect and Couch B was cheap-looking. Then I went to see them and bought Couch B because it was perfect and Couch A was cheap-looking.
Anon
If in-person isn’t possible, resale sites (craigslist, Floor Found, fb marketplace) can be helpful for seeing what a piece of furniture looks like after it has seen some use and when photographed by someone with no photography skills.
Anon
Something from Mitchell + Gold might suit both of you – we have the Dexter Sofa in a distressed leather and it has worn like iron through a teenage boy and a large sly dog who wasn’t supposed to get on the furniture, and it is very comfortable albeit not cushy.
Birthday Gift for Aunt
DH’s aunt is having a party for her 60th. We can’t attend but want to send a gift. She’s a cool and casual lady who lives in northern MI and likes a cocktail once in a while but I don’t really know what she’s into beyond that. I was thinking maybe a nice skincare set (not anti-aging), or flowers. Any ideas?
Anon
Barefoot dreams throw blanket and Diptyque candle for a cozy winter package.
Cb
Or a really lovely eucalpytus wreath or table display that would last through the winter holidays?
Smokey
Since she’s 60, she probably doesn’t want or need much in terms of possessions. I’m 65 and would enjoy receiving a nice card and gift certificate to a favorite restaurant.
anominnomi
I am in northern Michigan so if you can share a general area I’d be happy to offer some specific suggestions on places if you go that route.
Senior Attorney
If they will deliver to where she is, how about something from here: https://drnxmyth.com/collections/the-classics?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=psp-sem-non-branded&utm_source=google&utm_medium=Search&utm_campaign=DCL_PSP_D2C_Search_21&utm_term=127606059068&utm_content=602031090181&gclid=Cj0KCQjw–2aBhD5ARIsALiRlwATGS0YOkHUb5UnCiB6xAYex56vd8EfD40Xp7QLBbF7QTAPYGIa7_0aArvkEALw_wcB
Signed, 64-year-old lady who likes a cocktail once in a while
Anon
I am 57 and will probably have a 60th birthday party. I’d rather have my friends’ presence than presence but since we are talking about gifts…
First of all, when is was in my 30s I thought 60 was old lady territory, but now that I’m here, it doesn’t feel all that different than my 30s.
It’s true you accumulate stuff as you go along but things do wear out, get used up, or go missing along the way. I’d never turn up my nose at the Diptyque candle someone mentioned, or maybe one of the Sunday Riley skincare sets, winter accessories like a warm scarf and gloves (esp cashmere!) or a really nice bottle of wine. In fact I still have one from my 55th birthday gathering, which happened minutes before COVID (Jan 2020).
I would also love anything homemade (hand knitted or cooked, as examples), a hardy houseplant, and things related to my particular interests. I still travel for work, so at my last birthday party someone gave me a really pretty set of travel pouches from Cuyana, and I love them!
Anon
*than presents
anonymous
Shocked and horrified about the home invasion and attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband. Obviously this was a Tr*mper/DeathSantis supporter. What are we going to do about political violence that comes 100% from one side of the spectrum?
Anon
This is horrifying. This is something I would expect to see in a third world country that is not stable. I cannot believe this is happening here along with everything else (gestures broadly to the past 6-7 years).
Lily
So clever. A violent attack on an elderly man in his own home is prime fodder for snarky political commentary, amirite?
Also, see this: https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/interactive/2021/domestic-terrorism-data/
Anon
You think it’s not political? Hm
Anon
It’s scary, and I think attacks will become more common. It’s similar to school shootings, “thoughts and prayers” but no action. My DH is an immigrant, and his family abroad are constantly worried for us.
Anonymous
Honestly I just can’t understand Republicans anymore. My neighbors are all voting to put a governor in place who straight up refused to certify our votes in the presidential election. How can you not care about American democracy? You just trust that trump and his henchmen will be good for you? Even when they are not accountable to any democratic processes? How?
Also, how do they laugh about school shootings? They have kids. I just don’t get it.
pugsnbourbon
And Republicans will get worse now that they don’t have abortion to gin up support. More QAnon conspiracies, election doubt, more witch hunts for “groomers,” more “trafficking” in the basement of a pizza restaurant.
Anon
I think they do still have abortion because democrats seem to be running with abortion as the number 1 issue this midterm. Biden has promised to protect access with laws if they keep congress. So it’s still very much a consideration, especially for moderates/independents (and a good talking point for republications)
Anon
What? Steve Scalise was almost killed by a Bernie Bro. Rand Paul’s neighbor almost killed him. Someone tried to assassinate Brett Kavanaugh.
Cry me a river, AWFLs.
P
This is a very callous comment, however the intent behind it is fair. These attacks do not just come from one side. Extremists on both sides need to be stopped.
Anon
I thought that if you looked at the broader phenomenon of politically motivated violence, the risks coming from different sides in the USA weren’t even remotely comparable.
Anonymous
Yea, I don’t think Rand Paul’s neighbor tried to kill him because of politics, though. Wasn’t it just because he’s a complete dick?
Anon
Yes I’m not sure why that’s getting thrown in as an example. It was just good old fashioned neighbor dispute stuff that had nothing to do with politics. As I recall, it had to do with property line lawn maintenance
Auburn
From a statistical standpoint, this is wildly off base (vast majority of domestic terrorism is right wing extremists). More importantly, however, shouldn’t all violence like this be concerning??? How is “cry me a river” an appropriate response about an attack on an elderly man’s life? This is not something that should be tit for tat.
pugsnbourbon
I had a similar thought this morning. Alito was just saying he and the other justices were a “target for assassination” after the Roe leak in May, but who’s ACTUALLY getting attacked?
Anonymous
I mostly agree, but in fairness the guy that shot Scalise a few years back was left-wing extreme. (But yes, I realize it’s like 99% to 1% and no one should be shooting anybody)
anonshmanon
According to wikipedia, Scalise received threats, but it doesn’t mention an actual attack?
Anonymous
?? He definitely got shot. Google Congressional baseball shooting 2017.
anonshmanon
oh yeah, I was in the wrong part. His page is pretty long.
anon
You do recall that a guy was arrested outside Kavanaugh’s home with a gun, knife, and zip ties, who expressly said he was motivated by the Roe leak, right?
anonshmanon
do you also recall that the guy was convinced to give up by his sister and called the police on himself?
Anonymous
That made me sick. Sorry but he but the lives of women and girls all over this country in danger and then had the nerve to complain about his own safety?
Anon
[removed by management]
anon
I assume you were similarly shocked and horrified by the guy they arrested outside of Kavanaugh’s home, right?
Anon
Who didn’t actually violently assault anybody?
Go away.
anon
Because he was arrested.
If you are only horrified by this when it happens to your own team, you are part of the problem.
Anon
The objective data is that most of these attacks (by far) are done by one side.
No one is saying that violent attacks are okay when done by far left wing people. What people are correctly saying is that one side objectively commits the majority of these attacks.
If you immediately jump to “whataboutism” instead of trying to find a solution beyond thoughts and prayers, you’re part of the problem.
Anon
I’m a Democrat. But I can tell you I didn’t see anyone express this level of outrage here about the Kavanaugh thing and the Scalise thing, and if we really think we’re on the side of the angels, we should act like it. If we only care about political violence, or free speech, or religious liberty when it impacts our side, we fail our own principles and our country.
Anon
Kavanaugh was unscathed. Not an older man who was hospitalized. Go away.
Anon
The guy outside Kavanaugh’s house was arrested because he called the police on himself (at his sister’s urging). He was clearly more than a little unbalanced.
But three separate things can simultaneously be true: (1) violence is bad; (2) there has been reprehensible politically motivated violence against Republicans; (2) there has been reprehensible politically motivated violence against Democrats (or people associated with Democrats) at a much larger scale.
And if your response to an elderly man being violently attacked in his home is “yes but look at the threat against Kavanaugh” (that did not result in any injury to anyone) then you should take a long look at yourself. That is right up there with defending January 6th because of “riots” in Portland (which were blown way out of proportion in any event).
Anonymous
People that don’t agree with you don’t need to go away. If you can’t bear the expression of anything that doesn’t match your view, you should consider you’re not mature enough to be on the internet.
Anon
Honestly, it’s deeply depressing to me how many people in this thread – probably the same people who have posted or commented lately about polarization in this country – are lashing out angrily at the suggestion that they do the least bit of introspection about why they are only troubled by political violence when it comes from the right. Like, this is that polarization in action, right here.
Anon
Honestly, though, no one on this thread said that violence from far left people wasn’t distressing. Only that it’s much more rare. Which is a verifiable fact.
Duckles
Exactly— it’s childish and unproductive to get ad hominem on the internet and not something I expect to see (or should be tolerated) on that forum
Anon
I came to watch a few episodes of Bluey but I’m shocked abou the Trumpers trying to justify violence.
Anon
It’s horrible and the whataboutism by the right wingers in response to this is sickening.
Anon
Yep! It just deflects from the issue and baits us into an argument about their issue instead of the real one.
anonymous
Agreed! Other than the 2016 BLM assassination of 5 police officers in Dallas, the mass shooting at the Republican baseball practice, the violent assault on Rand Paul, the nationwide BLM riots and looting in 2020, the attempted assassination of Brett Kavanaugh, the arson or vandalism of over 100 pro life clinics in 2022, and the years-long ANTIFA riots in various cities, 100% of America’s political violence is on the right. The “objective data” proves it!
Auburn
Girlie….this is not objective data. Even just taking one of those examples….many of the people arrested in my state during the protests of 2020 were right wing extremists looking to use the riots as an excuse to start violence. Do some research instead of parroting far right talking points.
Auburn
Link for reference: https://www.justice.gov/usao-mn/pr/self-described-member-boogaloo-bois-pleads-guilty-riot
KJ
By “attempted assassination” you mean the guy who went to BK’s street and then called the police to say he was suicidal and turned himself in?
Anon
Interesting that you double down with more whataboutism.
Anon
Girl what!?! “Attempted assassination of Brett Kavanaugh”??? That is not a thing that happened and you detract from valid arguments like the Scalise shooting when you claim Bret was almost assassinated.
Anon
The only one of those things even roughly equivalent to the attack against Paul Pelosi was the shooting at the baseball practice – which was horrific and unacceptable. However, I would ask what you think Bernie Sanders (who I do not like and did not vote for) ever said in his entire career that encouraged that type of behavior. But since you brought up the “years-long ANTIFA riots” I assume you are a Fox News watcher and cannot be confused with facts.
The reality is that people in positions of power in the Democratic party have not spent the last fifteen years demonizing their political opponents and giving a wink and a nod to crazed conspiracy theorists. People in positions of power in the Republican party have. They have openly encouraged political violence at worst and have accepted into their fold people who encourage it at best. We are never going to stop random crazies (for example I do not blame Republicans for the Giffords shooting) but they need to take a long hard look at where their rhetoric has led them. Because the unfortunate fact is that violence begets violence.
Seventh Sister
As a Californian (albeit an LA-based one), I heard this and immediately wondered if it was a random attack by someone under the influence of meth since it can cause hallucinations/paranoia. Then again, CA local/state politics are so one-party sometimes it’s hard to remember that people all over American hate Nancy Pelosi with the rage they used to reserve for Hillary Clinton.
Anon
The latest clip I saw said the assailant kept yelling “where’s Nancy?” so it doesn’t seem random.
Seventh Sister
I didn’t realize that, shows where my mind is as a middle-aged CA voter. While I have to patiently (and repeatedly!) explain to my mom that all of CA is not in fact a dystopian hellscape, there are a lot more raving/shouting/hallucinating people out and about than there were even five years ago.
Colour inspiration?
I’m realizing my winter closet is full of neutral solids and stripes and want to add some colour or pattern to cheer things up the winter- so looking for practical inspiration:
What is your favorite touch of colour or pattern in your wardrobe right now, and how do you style it? I’d love to hear any casual work or weekend ideas from just a pop to a full Barbie pink pantsuit.
Lily
For Nov-January, I like a nice black watch tartan (or other tartan), either in an accessory (like headband, if that’s your jam, or shoes, like for a holiday party), or pants/skirt/top (but only one at a time). I just bought black watch tartan trousers and a wool “mini” skirt at JCrew Factory and can’t wait to break them out after Halloween.
Curious
+1 I love plaid.
Anon
I keep being tempted by plaid pants for the holiday season. Haven’t given in yet but never say never. I just don’t like to own things I can only wear for a month or two.
anon
YES. I bought some tartan at J Crew Factory last December and it made me really happy.
Cb
I like a rich mustard or deep pink scarf and winter hat. Also fun coloured socks?
I also realised today that I’d like coloured tights to make a come back. I’m wearing black tights, but burgundy or hunter green would be nicer with my dress today.
pugsnbourbon
I love a statement coat – red, emerald, pink, etc.
Anon
I like a basic cashmere pullover in one of “my” colors. Current favorites are dusty blue, dark emerald, and peacock (a greenish blue more blue than teal.) I asked for an orchid color one for Christmas and I know my husband ordered it so I’m excited to add that!
J Crew, Talbots, and Lands End all have pretty colors in cashmere this year.
I also recommend the Vivienne Files for inspiration on how to add color to your neutral basics.
anon
I have a pair of hot pink block heel booties that I wear with black or gray skirts and dresses. Business on the top, party on the bottom.
Anon
They sound amazing!
No Face
I have some bright wool coats that I love. Bold lip color goes a long way in the winter too.
Definitelyanonforthis
Low stakes question of the day.
I know this is the most absurd and annoying question ever, please feel free to skim on by.
For those of you who have an opinion (and frankly don’t blame you if you couldn’t care less), what do you think of having multiple Christmas trees? We always get a natural Christmas tree, around 6-7 ft, every year, but this is our first Christmas in our very large suburban house. I’d love to have the main Christmas tree be in either the den or living room, where there is a sofa and other comfy places to sit and hang out, but we also have a sofa/TV in the basement and that’s where our only fireplace is. Wondering if it would be fun or tacky or both to get one (maybe faux, though I’m struggling to be ok with faux) tree for the basement and a real tree for upstairs. Then I guess we’d put the stockings on the fireplace mantel. But where would the gifts go? I’d prefer to be closer to the kitchen on Xmas morning while doing presents. But it seems odd to have a fireplace but not actually put stockings there. And also odd to put stockings near one tree, and presents under the other tree.
Clearly I have too much time on my hands.
Anon
Get both! Just don’t get ones that are too big and ostentatious, like the Kardashians
Definitelyanonforthis
Very good advice, thank you! Definitely not looking to get anything huge. One tree (the one with presents) will have our sentimental/heirloom/kid-made ornaments, and maybe the other one can be my outlet for a stylish matchy-matchy tree that I can change up every so often.
Anon
Why, though? It’s in her house and if a big ostentatious tree makes her happy, who cares?
Anon
Because it’s tacky and OP asked.
Anonymous
Or maybe do go over the top?
Sorry this maybe a weird side rant but after 40 years of being tasteful I’m done. I’m dressing up for the casual parties, getting every bit of aesthetic enchantment I want, serving the expensive wine and decorating to my heart’s content. Basic? tacky? Too much? I don’t care. It’s fun and you should try it.
Anon
Yup!!! Why police what women should do IN THEIR OWN HOMES because a stranger wouldn’t choose to decorate their own home that way?
Anon
Because OP asked for opinions. She’s getting opinions. I will assume she’s an adult and can handle differing opinions!
Anon
My opinion is that OP shouldn’t care one whit about whether someone else thinks a type of decoration is tacky.
My opinion is also that this is the type of small pressure that is put on women throughout their entire lives to conform to others’ opinions and expectations. It’s freeing to decide you don’t care.
Anon
She. Asked. For. Opinions.
Anon
I usually overdress because it’s fun. I have two dresses, one being my prom dress, that I would absolutely love to wear again! I want a fun almost black tie event with amazing food and wine! That’s not tacky though. That’s just fun!!! Tacky is overly done up and stuffy and definitely not fun IMO. If you need another person to come to your party, I would happily offer lol
Sallyanne
I wore my 35 year old prom dress last weekend to a Halloween party. With my husband in a tux we were Prom King & Queen.
As for the 2 trees? Go for it! I live in a smallish townhouse and will have one tree in the living room and another in our dining room 20 feet away. Do what makes you happy!
Anon
We have at least 3 table-top trees; one mine from apartment living, 1 each as a thing the kids did at church. I don’t otherwise decorate, but it’s so easy just to put the little trees out each year and let them decorate with wee tiny ornaments and some they made.
We also used to get real trees but IIRC husband bought a pre-lit tree. Like I said, not a decorator. :)
Anon
It’s your house, who cares what it “looks like” to other people, so long as you like it. FWIW, I think one main tree and however many smaller non main trees you want work great. Just keep in mind the take down.
Anon
First of all, get both! You clearly want 2, and this is the inside of your own home. If anyone thinks it’s tacky, they can go kick rocks because it’s in your house and it brings you joy! And, do them up like the Kardashians if you want. Or just hang a homemade popcorn garland if you want. You can’t go wrong in your own house with something like this.
On the real vs fake situation— there are some very nice fake trees. Even ones that are pre lit if you want to make your life so easy. Mine has different settings for white lights, colored lights, and alternating. It’s perfect bc I prefer colored lights and my boyfriend prefers white ones, so we can easily take turns :)
As for what to do with presents/stockings. I personally would put the stockings and presents nearest the tree where I wanted to open presents on Christmas morning, just because that’s easiest. If you’d rather have stockings on the fireplace, you could always wrap a few fake presents and put under that tree! Or keep presents for non-immediate family under that tree.
Embrace the holiday spirit in whatever form you want! The world is on fire right now, and I fully believe we should all be making ourselves happy however we can, and especially if a particular source of joy hurts NO ONE.
Anon.
Get two, at least! We usually have one up in our living room and one in our basement family room. I don’t think it’s tacky.
Put presents only under the one where you’ll sit to open them. Stockings wherever when they are decor and just bring the filled stocking to the present tree when you open gifts.
Pep
Gifts and stockings in the basement by the fireplace. That’s where Santa comes down. :-D
Cat
Get both! I grew up with stockings by the “casual” tree in the family room, and gifts under the “fancy” tree in the living room :)
Vicky Austin
Us, too!
River bird
Ugh, I see your dilemma. I have strong feelings about our Christmas tree placement, type (real tree only baby), and decorations. If it were me – and I don’t know your house – I would do gifts under real tree upstairs. I would not want the “main tree” in the basement, at least in my house. The stockings could go downstairs on a really sumptuous fireplace mantle decorated situation. Like real pine boughs, lights, nutcracker, Santa figurines, whatevs. Go bananas. Open stockings down there by your Christmas cozy fireplace, or Santa could bring the stockings upstairs and put them on the couch once he fills them if you don’t want to go into the basement on Christmas morning.
My main complaint/concern with multiple trees is what ornaments go where? Is one the family tree with the popsicle stick reindeer and one the fancy all white one with purchased coordinated ornaments? (For the record, not really a fan of coordinated trees, but could accept as a purely decorative second tree.) if not, which ornaments get relegated to the basement tree? Or do you put the fancy tree in the basement? It then raises the question as to why Santa lugs the presents upstairs if he enters from the fireplace and has a tree so convenient…
River bird
But all that to say you should get multiple trees. You want them and you have the space. A real one for the LR and a smaller faux one (or more! Or real!) for the basement or anywhere else you want Christmas cheer. More cheer the better imo!
Anon.
In our house, the basement tree is themed – our favorite sportsball team. Our upstairs tree has all the family ornaments including the popsicle snowflake from daycare.
Anon
Oh I love it!! You can never be too extra with things like this.
Anonymous
Get both! If I had room, I would have all the trees, because the dark of winter is tough and lighted trees bring joy. When we were growing up, we had the big tree in the living room and my brother and I both had little 4ish foot trees in our bedrooms for “our” ornaments. My mom has always threatened to do multiple trees with themes (we have lots and lots of christmas ornaments).
I would put the presents under whichever one is near the space you want to open them in.
Anonymous
Oh, and I am firmly team Real Tree, because I want it to smell like Christmas. And also because I live in North Carolina, home of the best real christmas trees (Frasier Fir or bust).
Anon
Remember the thread about compromises in marriage? My husband is a fake Christmas tree person, basically for frugality reasons. I held out for a real tree for years until one year something about our real tree really triggered my allergies and I was a sneezy snotty mess for a month plus. Then he won.
But this is the small stuff. Our artificial tree has been going strong for over 10 years. It’s not pre-lit and I do a lot of zhujjing to make the branches look more natural and random.
Smokey
If you have the time and energy, go for it!
Anon
I have an opinion so here goes.
I hate to walk into a house that has a decorator tree. Fine for the office or a shopping mall, but the tree in your home should be personal. Ornaments that you’ve collected through the years and during travels, handmade things etc.
We have sometimes done a small second tree upstairs because the kids wanted one there. But the main tree holds all the old ornaments.
Anonymous
Oh you are my husband! He loves the sentimental ornaments. I want the tree to look like it came from makeup section at saks.
Anon
Haha “the makeup section at Saks” made me LOL
Excellent description
Duckles
+1 I hate “coordinated” trees. The only trees that should have matching ornaments are like, a small one with just Grandma Bertie’s vintage set.
Anon
Guys, some of us have just moved to the US in the last decade. Not everyone has sentimental ornaments from Grandma, lol.
– Signed, Non-Christian Immigrant with a Tacky Decorator Tree
Anon
Get your trees!!! How fun.
An.On.
When my husband and I got married, we each brought our own artificial christmas tree into the marriage. And we put them both up in a 1400 sq ft house, so you do what makes you happy. We did space them so they weren’t both visible at the same time, that’s my personal bugaboo.
anon
Coming from a Jewish girl with no skin in the game: GET ALL THE TREES! I know people who have one “show” tree with perfectly color coordinated ornaments and a second “fun” tree you decorate as a family with the sentimental ornaments. It’s only tacky if you have a giant Rockefeller Center tree that reaches the ceiling of your two-story foyer. But even then who cares if you love it.
Anon
Not me but one of my friends worked at a place that put up a Christmas tree. Then people said it was not sensitive to people who celebrated other holidays, so they out up a “Jewish” Christmas tree and a Kwanzaa Christmas tree. My friend sent me a pic. The so called Jewish Christmas tree was decorated in blue with dreidels and stars of David. Hahah
Anon
Ps, they still called it a Christmas tree, specifically “the Jewish Christmas Tree”
anon
You know what? Do the second tree! Why the heck not. Life is hard enough and if decorating brings you joy, it’s time and effort well spent.
smurf
you can’t have enough if it brings you joy! I love decorating for the holidays so in my 2BR townhome I have main level theme tree (silver, gold, rose gold), upstairs loft ‘family’ tree (all the random collected ornaments) & a red/white/teal candy cane theme tree in my bedroom! For gifts, I have multiple celebrations (fiance and I both have divorced parents) so put gifts for each celebration under each tree. It’s a LOT but it brings me so much joy during the dark midwest winter.
Senior Attorney
How is this even a question! Get as many as your house will hold!!
We are having a big one in the family room and a smaller one in the front living room, and probably a tiny one in the guest room. The more the merrier, says I!
Senior Attorney
Haha, and then there’s Tinsel the Traveling Tree because we won’t actually be home for Christmas!
anonshmanon
Commenting on the aspect of struggling with the faux tree: I grew up with natural tree every year and also wasn’t sure about a plastic tree, but have really come around to it. No hassle to get it in busy December, no needles, you can keep it up forever, it has exactly the size and shape you want. Downsides are no magical errand where the family picks the tree together, and no pine smell. But if you have two trees, then you can have the best of both worlds!
Thinking about the environmental aspect, if you reuse the plastic tree a good number of years, it has a similar environmental cost to a series of real trees. I bought one used and without internal lights, which reduces the chance that I will have to throw out the tree because the lights are broken.
Anon
I am the allergic poster with the frugal husband who has a fake tree now and I agree. I tend to burn a pine scented candle in the room with the tree to get something like that scent. That said, my candle tastes run more Diptyque than Yankee Candle. So much for my husband’s frugality.
Seventh Sister
I think you should do what makes you happy! I’m not the biggest Christmas decorator because my family has so many opinions and our house is tiny, but you should go for what you want.
FWIW, I grew up in the suburbs and my mom always put little porcelain trees in our TV room, the bedrooms, that had electric lights you could turn on. She’d also bust out the Hummels and all kinds of other tacky-ish stuff. It was fun. I somehow lost the tiny Christmas tree she gave me in college (it was about the size of a thermos) and I kind of want to get another one.
NYNY
I am not much of a decorator, but I honestly love going to a home where someone who likes to do it up has really gone for it. I knew a couple who managed three trees in a small one-bedroom apartment, and it was fabulous!
It wouldn’t be weird at all for the stockings and presents to be in different rooms. Growing up, our fireplace was always in the family room, and we’d have stockings there before moving to the living room for presents under the tree. It became tradition, but I’m sure it was rooted in space/convenience issues.
TrixieRuby
t is hard to figure out what to do in a big house! Put the faux tree in the rec room, and the real tree in the living room. Somehow hang the real stockings in the living room, maybe on a wooden sled or a decorative ladder or something, and hang fake/decorative stockings in the basement. Do as much or as little as you want! Put the gifts under the upstairs tree, so you can be near the kitchen on Christmas morning. Maybe use the basement for Xmas Eve games or a round of Yankee Swap. Enjoy!
Holiday shopping
I’m helping my Grandma with her holiday shopping and would appreciate gift suggestions. She wants to buy all 30 or so adult family members the same gift. It must be something she can wrap to place under the tree, store bought, and cost under $75/person. (I’ve already suggested experience gifts, offered to help her make something sentimental, monthly subscriptions, etc. She’s not interested.) Over half of the recipients are struggling financially, so my goal is to steer her to something that they have the option to return at Walmart to buy the essentials they need. Therefore, the ideal gift would either be consumable or unobtrusive enough that my Grandma won’t expect to see it displayed in the recipient’s home.
Any ideas? I’ve thought of bed linens, towel sets, matching pajamas and slippers, and heated blankets. Thanks!
Lily
I think the bed linens (especially a flannel set if you live in a cold area) would be nice. It’s a little luxury to have multiple sets of linens for different seasons, and something easily returnable or re-giftable. Plus not something you’d snoop around someone’s house looking for.
Anon
Sheets and towel sets are spot-on. Blankets b/c heating is more expensive this year.
Cb
Ooh I have quite plush electric blanket which helps me avoid turning the heating on. That should be useful and returnable.
Clementine
That reminds me! I have a heated mattress pad. It’s great.
Clementine
Agreed that a set of flannel sheets is a good option. The other idea would be to get a ubiquitous small appliance on Black Friday sale – an instant pot/air fryer.
Alternately – what about something like a car jump box? Really practical and useful.
Anonymous
These can be great in a blackout, too.
anon
Oooh, I love my car jump box! It makes me feel so much better knowing I won’t have to wait for or approach a random stranger for a jump if I get stranded. And I’ve used it twice in the 2 years I’ve had it.
Along similar practical lines, my MIL bought all the adult children a solar powered phone charger/flashlight for Christmas a few years ago. We live in an area prone to natural disasters and long power outages, though, so YMMV.
Anon
My grandmother used to do this. All male family members got one gift, and women got another.
Suggestions:
Electric screwdrivers (although if some of the adults are married, you don’t need two/household); just include a gift receipt if you get them from HD; they’ve tightened up their return policies.
Down vests. Dick’s has some around Black Friday that are decent quality and well under $75.
Small blenders (Nutri Bullet and the like).
Pancake mix with the good maple syrup.
A good kitchen knife, paired with a fancy cutting board if budget allows.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to the vests! Lands End usually does a heavy discount on theirs (like down to $40).
anon
A small tool set? Something that can be a starter kit for younger adults and a spare/car set for more established adults. (Plus, tools get lost, things wear out, etc.) Practical and easily returnable if they really don’t need it. https://www.homedepot.com/p/Stanley-Home-Tool-Kit-65-Piece-94-248/203707088
One year, my grandmother got everybody a box of drug store candy, taped a $20 on top, and wrapped that up. That was a pretty good year, considering her notoriety as a terrible gift giver.
pugsnbourbon
Every year I get closer to slapping $20 on a bunch of those holiday popcorn tins and calling it a day.
Vicky Austin
We did cookie bags for our coworkers one year and when I realized how much we’d spent on butter, vanilla, eggs, and time, I wanted to crawl in a hole.
Anon
I love the sheet and/or towel set idea! Definitely not the kind of thing that you would replace or buy extras of if you are struggling, but so nice to have. You do need to know their bed sizes though, but I suppose that’s not hard to figure out.
Holiday shopping
Thanks everyone! I thinks sheets for singles and sheet plus a heated blanket for couples will be the winner. My Grandma is still working on her list of recipients, so I’m curious to see if it includes unmarried couples. If so, I hope navigating why unmarried couples WHOSE GIFTS ARE BEING MAILED TO A SHARED ADDRESS may not need two brand new sets of sheets is only awkward and not invasive/offensive. Lol.
Anonymous
Picture frame, candle, book?
Anonymous
One of my favorite gifts was when a cousin bought everyone a black North Face Glacier Quarter Zip fleece. That tends to be under your price limit, and gets frequent use during every winter/spring. When I was struggling, it was nice to have one brand name item that I could feel nice wearing often.
Holiday shopping
For the benefit of anyone else shopping, I want to second that I would have loved this gift when I was trying to “move up” in the world as a young adult. When I was in college around 2010 and juggling far too many shifts waiting tables to try to lessen my student loans, I found a North Face fleece in the lost and found bin at the restaurant. I got to keep it and I adored it. It made me feel like a million bucks because it was my only name brand clothing. And I loved that I could wear it all the time without seeming strange since it was a jacket.
Seventh Sister
Emergency kits! Useful and probably people wouldn’t exchange them (if that is important to her):
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Ready-America-2-Person-Emergency-Kit-3-Day-Backpack-Red-Five-Year-Shelf-Life/10910697?athbdg=L1600
Snappy Casual Help
I have a “snappy casual” event at Chateau Elan in Braselton, GA the week after Thanksgiving. 3 days, all women who are “next gen leaders” in a niche of finance. Average age is probably low/mid 30s. Not MDs, but a level below, if that’s helpful.
Help? I’m a curvy size 14 / 5’8″ in the middle of weight loss so I’m struggling to know what will look right on my new body. I want to look crisp and feel good. Have had luck at Jcrew, Boden. I generally do not understand this 90s fashion renaissance we’re having (ugh) and can’t wait for it to pass, but don’t want to look fully out of style. Once upon a time “snappy casual” was jeans, ballet flats and a blazer over a shell, but I don’t think that’s right for the venue or crowd (or the times). Attendees are coming from all over the country.
I have the Jcrew Ruffleneck Puff Sleeve Dress in Leopard print that I love and think I could style down (material isn’t fancy / I think dresses it down). I think I could rock that for an evening cocktail session, but unsure about the rest. TIA!
Anonymous
I think this is what Evereve, Halsbrook, and J McLaughlin are for.
OP
My first Trendsend arrives today! So glad you recommended Evereve. Here’s hoping something works.
Anonymous
Also, I am in ATL, so very familiar with Chateau Elan.
Anonymous
And I think that JCrew dress fits the bill, too.
Cat
Snappy Casual in the South is not jeans IMHO… maybe white jeans. Navy pants, printed blouses, have a cable knit sweater on hand?
Anon
I hate made-up dress codes.
Anon
I’m from the south and that dress looks perfect. I don’t consider jeans to be snappy casual, like the person above said. I’d wear a dress that doesn’t look like a work dress, so the J Crew one looks great.
anon
Wtf is snappy casual?!
OP
So funny this comment! I’ve heard the phrase ‘snappy casual’ for years — like back to my very first job out of college in the ’00s. I’m in the northeast but heard it through the midatlantic, in the event it’s regional.
Ribena
I would interpret ‘snappy casual’ to mean ‘casual but look like you put some effort in’ – ie well fitting jeans and a blouse rather than baggy jeans and a hoodie. I’d probably wear a denim skirt, blouse, and comfy cardigan or blazer – but then that’s what I seem to wear to work most of the time these days!
(Also I would love to know how you get to attend these sorts of events)
SAD Lamp Seeker
Someone in last several days was asking for rec on SAD lamps – just saw them covered in today’s Wirecutter feature from NYT if still looking. FYI.
Ribena
That was me, thanks / I’ll go and have a look!
Dr. The Original ...
Just taking a moment to acknowledge that, based on the calendar and the posts today, it’s within days of the “holiday season.” For many, this is a really rough couple of months. Some come from childhood traumas, others cannot afford what kids are asking, some are dealing with family stuff, others either want to be or do not want to be alone and don’t have the option.
Standing in solidarity with each of you who is debating whether to draw or hold boundaries, with each of you who wants permission to skip a boring event, with each of you who doesn’t want to buy more stuff because it all feels like clutter, with each of you who chooses a hotel over a relative’s home, with each of you who struggles with being single or having an embarrassing partner, with each of you who is going through this season without someone you love, with each of you who has to weigh being immunocompromised during covid with not being left out of festivities, with each of you who is already burned out and now is expected to shop and plan and host, and with each of you who wishes we could skip right to January 2nd and pretend this time of year doesn’t exist.
Sending so so much love and am standing up with you and for you. <3
PS For those of you looking for something you can do, here's a nudge to take out your calendar and put in reminders to text friends you know who are going through it. Pop the reminder in even once a week to just text "thinking of you" type things. Letting someone know you care and you see them without financial cost, without asking anything of them, and without requiring more than 3 seconds of yourself can make a world of difference both to the recipient and often to the receiver.
go for it
Thank you for this as I meet a bunch of the criteria, people are already making inquires about what I am doing for the “holidays” , and SO wants me to come to visit his family 6 hours! away ….of course my immediate response is ….it is only October! Postponing my answer is not working so far. Arrgh. I would prefer it to be January too. This too shall pass.
Anon
Thank you for this! I love Christmas but my husband and I are on a tight budget this year so I won’t exactly be decking the halls. Sending love to all
Anon
Thank you for this! Another huge tip is either don’t ask what random acquaintances are doing for the holiday. And if you do, don’t follow up with sad looks or additional questions if they’re not spending the holidays with family.
My biological family has a lot of issues, and most of them have decided I’m a terrible person for things outside my control, so I’m not invited to holidays and other family gatherings anymore. A shocking number of people I don’t really know always ask me that question, and when I tell them I’m going to see my partner’s family, a shocking number of people follow up with a sad look or something like “Where does your family live?” Or “Is your family not gathering on Christmas?” It feels so invasive and just brings up painful situations for no reason.
Anon
Seconded! I have no family, and did not grow up in the US and did not celebrate Christmas growing up. Or Thanksgiving, perhaps obviously. I don’t celebrate those holidays today either, yet people feel the need to prod and then give me sad looks when I won’t be with family… that I don’t have… on a holiday that I don’t celebrate.
Anon
I mean I’m with you on the no puppy dog eyes/sad reaction, but not asking a very basic question seems like an OTT ask. It’s not really different than “what are you doing this weekend,” and if you can’t ask friendly questions anymore, I don’t know what to tell you.
Anon
But there are thousands of friendly questions you can ask to acquaintances, and a lot of of people have painful situations around the holiday. The small talk questions can even be holiday related (“Have you heard about the holiday parade?” “Do you go see lights anywhere?” etc), or you can have the same positive interactions you’d have any other time of year.
I’m not going to scream at anyone who asks me this, and yes I move along. I don’t expect strangers to know my family history and don’t assume bad intentions. I’m just making a gentle suggestion that the question can be fraught for some.
Anon
Thank you.
Anon
I’m planning to take Fridays off for the rest of the year (I have leave I have to use or forfeit). I want to pick a few activities to do every Friday so I don’t end up wasting these days and so I’ll remember this time as my season of xyz. So far all I’ve got is a workout class early Friday morning. What would you add? I’m thinking of things like bake a different type of cookie each week, spend a few hours quilting (new hobby) every week, go to a different museum each week. I’m trying to come up with a good list of options then decide which one or two things to do. I live in DC, single, no kids, if that matters.
Vicky Austin
Get your holiday shopping done at a leisurely pace/when the stores are not crowded with a little time every week.
Invite a friend to meet for lunch – even if they’re working, it’ll be a nice way to spend time together.
Love the idea of spending some hours quilting; that sounds very fun!
pugsnbourbon
Love this!
I’d treat myself to a fancy smoothie or coffee after the workout.
Maybe take a couple day or overnight trips to pretty towns in Virginia and Maryland?
No Face
A beautiful afternoon walk or hike, weather permitting.
Lunch with a friend.
Talking on the phone to elderly relatives.
Anonymous
If I lived in DC, I would definitely act like a tourist those days. Pick a museum/site and a great restaurant nearby for a solo (or friend) dinner each week.
Anan
What about some kind of social activity? Lunch with a friend? Start a craft or quilting group?
Anon
Do you have friends who can take a leisurely lunch on Friday, or meet up for Happy Hour? I think that’d be a great use of time.
Anon
Do you have friends who can take a leisurely lunch on Friday, or meet up for Happy Hour? I think that’d be a great use of time.
Ribena
I did this last year and the year before – one of my favourite memories from one of those Fridays was cycling to the beach and having hot coffee, before cycling home, with fairy lights on my bike basket.
Anon
Visit different part of city or different city worked nice for me in the past. Or – find best cafe/ramen/whstever in my district
Anonymous
ooh I would love it if I could spend every friday in DC like that – starting the day out with a workout, then eating a meal at a restaurant that’s hard to book for dinner or weekends (I have no qualms about solo dining, ymmv) or having a leisurely coffee and pastry, then spending the rest of the day dedicated to a museum (or the zoo!) until it closes. then i would go home and read a book. i love going to museums alone, i’m one of those that like to read everything and take my time, so when i go with other people i feel rushed and kinda of ashamed i’m such a museum nerd.
if you have a car it would be an excellent time to take drives out for hiking and or winery. or perhaps even a drive up to baltimore after rush hour, spend some time at the art museums and the aquarium up there, take in views from fells point, return home before rush hour.
Anon
Art exhibitions and museums! Christmas shopping in the gift shops while you are there.
Annie Nominous
I love all of these suggestions! I’d work my way through a dessert cookbook (maybe on Sundays so I could bring leftovers to work on Mondays). Or work through a list of hiking or biking trails. And of course, ALL the museums in DC. What a great way to end the year!
Anon
Hair loss question. I’ve been losing a lot of hair over the past year. My PCP told me to see my dermatologist. The dermatologist said the basic blood tests I get done every year by my PCP don’t show any problems so she told me to take a specific supplement (nutrafol) and use minoxidil. I’ve been taking the supplement but don’t want to take minoxidil because it doesn’t fix whatever the actual problem is that’s causing the hair loss and if you stop using it all the hair it helped grow just falls out. My derm just keeps suggesting things to treat the symptoms (like hair thickening spray) rather than finding out what’s actually causing it. What do I do now? Is there a type of doctor who can actually help? Functional medicine doctors don’t seem to take insurance and I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars out of pocket on this. What should my next step be? I’m so frustrated with my doctors but I don’t know where else to go.
Vicky Austin
Sigh. What about going back to your PCP and asking for a more extensive blood test panel?
Anon
A dermatologist is the correct doctor for this. You should find a new one.
I have androgenic alopecia (aka female pattern hair loss). My derm did a bunch of blood tests to rule out vitamin and hormone issues. She also examined my scalp and hair with a special tool. Unfortunately, for AA, all of the treatments are such that if you stop using them, your hair falls out to the level it would have been without the treatment. Her advice was to use topical minoxidil first because it’s the least invasive options with the fewest side effects. I say all this just to say that for some types of hair loss, there is no treatment for the underlying issue. The topical minoxidil works for me for now. I’ll reevaluate if it stops working.
I also have experienced telogen effluvium. I thought that AA was getting worse, and my derm was able to examine my scalp and hair with her tool to see that the AA was not getting worse at this time, so my extra hair loss was being caused by TE. Stress and sickness (Covid is a HUGE factor) can cause TE. Minoxidil won’t treat it. But the hair will grow back after the body heals from whatever the cause is (my derm said it can take 3-12 months).
Hair loss is a looong difficult process. Your derm sounds like they’re not that interested in really exploring the problem, so I’d get a second opinion. It’s hard to navigate and the worst part is being told basically that there’s nothing they can do or that the treatment will be a lifelong affair. Good luck, and I hope you find someone who can help.
Anon
Have you been losing it all year or just intensely for a shorter period. I had the latter and it was telogen effluvium, 3-4 months after a major illness.
Anon
Your derm should have been able to look at your bloodwork results, take a family history, do a visual examination of your scalp and a hair pull test and tell you whether or not you have telogen effluvium – which is temporary, and your hair should grow back – or something like androgenetic alopecia. If you have AA, there is no “treating the underlying condition.” Your genetics are causing your hair follicles to shut down. If your dad, or your mom’s dad, are/were bald, especially from an early age, I’m going to say you’re probably dealing with AA. And a lot of us are – my dad, his dad, and my mom’s dad are/were all bald. I started noticing hair loss during the pandemic, saw a derm, who said that I probably had some TE going on but “TE unmasks AA” and that without minoxidil, I would continue losing hair. I spent a year in denial, waiting for the problem to somehow spontaneously get better. After I took a horrifying full-sunlight overhead selfie and saw how thin my hair had gotten, I finally started minoxidil and it is helping me hang on to what I have left. I also recently went through an online pharmacy and got a topical spray that contains finasteride and minoxidil and that is REALLY helping, but they were only willing to prescribe it because I’m past childbearing age.
I am sorry this is happening to you. While it seems like a superficial thing, losing my hair has been a major blow to my self-esteem and has been emotionally hard to deal with. I speak from experience: start minoxidil now, even if you want to keep pursuing other testing. I have not taken Nutrafol or Viviscal but have heard anecdotally from other women dealing with hair loss that they’ve had good results. Minoxidil is cheap compared to Nutrafol – you can get a six-month supply from Costco for under $20 if you’re a member. I started out with the 2% and went to 5% and got better results. I am speaking from the heart, and tell you truly: had I not done something when I did, I am convinced I would be in a wig or a topper right now. You’re not doing anything wrong, and this is not your fault; if you have AA, this was in your genes from birth and was always going to happen. A lot of us saw hair loss triggered by pandemic stress or from getting Covid, but for some of us it just triggered or accelerated a process that was going to happen anyway. I’m sorry your derm was not more forthright and definitive with you when you saw them; it was super-helpful for me to have a derm who was a straight shooter and just told me: this is what it is; it’s going to get worse unless you do something. Please feel free to ask more questions, I am happy to share other things I’ve done that have helped my hair loss.
Anon
Not the OP but this helped me, thank you.
Anon
What is the topical spray and where can one get it?
Anon
I got it from Hers and it was $270 for a six month supply, but I’ve been using it for three months and I have regrowth in some areas I had written off. It’s a liquid finasteride/6% minoxidil solution. Finasteride causes birth defects if used by pregnant women, so Hers markets it specifically as for postmenopausal hair loss. I am 45 and have an IUD and have zero plans to have another child, and so Hers was willing to prescribe it, but I had to sign a waiver saying I would not remove my IUD while I was actively using the prescription. The nurse practitioner who did my Hers appointment told me it wasn’t clear how much finasteride gets absorbed into the bloodstream with topical application, but it wasn’t something to take risks with. I was fine getting it from Hers because my derm had actually offered the oral version to me at an appointment, but said I would have to bring in proof of my IUD insertion before getting a prescription and take an in-office pregnancy test every time I needed to get the prescription refilled (AKA monthly), which I didn’t want to deal with.
Anon
Thank you for your reply. I am going to look into this.
Anon
How old are you? Hair loss is very common wit hormone changes.
OP
I should clarify that my derm says it’s tellogen effuvium based on an examination (not a biopsy or anything like that) and it’s been happening constantly for a year. And I’m mid-30s so I really hope it’s not hormone related. Sigh.
Anon
Oh, when I had telogen effluvium it lasted for a few months, then my hair all started growing back at once, so I had a spiky little halo all over. I didn’t realize it could last for a year.
In my case my derm also visually diagnosed it. She ran her fingers through my hair and came away with a small handful of it.
Anon
My derm said that the hair loss from TE can last a year (!!!) and that it will take 3-6 months for the regrowth to be noticeable.
Having said that, I’d get a second opinion and start the topical minoxidil if I were you. Minoxidil doesn’t treat TE (nothing but stress reduction and time does), and it seems like your derm isn’t being very thorough.
hair loss
I hear your frustration, and understand. I literally just got back from the Dermatologist and am now on 4 different medicines/2 supplements/2 topicals/and a special steroid shampoo for my hair loss, and I really want to scream. Just…. ugh. I’ve decided I’ll give it a year. My alternative is being bald, so …..
Chances are good that you don’t have the kind of hair loss I have, but it’s still no fun to think about using topical minoxidil for the rest of your life. I was on that as well, because I also have some genetic/excess androgen contribution to my hair loss, and I hated using it and my hair looked awful and begged the doctor to put me on the oral/pill version of low dose minoxidil instead. I got that advice from someone on this site.
First, just know hair loss in women is incredibly common, much of it is genetic and many/most of us will lose hair when we hit perimenopause. A dermatologist is the right doctor for this, but not all dermatologists are very knowledgeable about hair loss. It’s actually a good thing that all of your blood tests came back ok. It means you don’t have to worry about bad stuff like lupus or anemia due to cancer or lots of systemic disorders that can cause hair loss. But if you think your doctor is not explaining things well, you could look for a dermatologist that specializes in hair loss (or at least lists it on their website as a focus of their practice), and get a 2nd opinion. Your history, pattern of hair loss, family history and blood tests can be helpful to determine what type of hair loss you have, and she should have explained that to you by now. Unfortunately, many/most types of hair loss can’t be “cured”. Sometimes a biopsy is necessary. I had a biopsy that was actually wrong/”nondiagnostic”, so was a waste of $1000. It was only once I saw a dermatologist who was an expert in hair loss that she took one look at me and knew instantly what I had.
Anonymous
Low stakes marital “conflict” question: how hot do you leave the faucet in shared spaces? Both our kitchen sink and primary bath shower have a faucet that turns on and off with one knob as opposed to two separate knobs for hot and cold. The temperature stays wherever it is when you flip the water off. DH has a habit of leaving the kitchen sink on scalding hot. I once learned to check before I put my hands under the water, but we were long distance due to work for over a year and now we’re moving back together (yay!) and it’s getting me again (gah!). I also leave the shower on a lot hotter than he prefers, though nowhere near scalding (imo). I’m considering turning the water temperature down in the whole house but he really likes being able to scald the living daylights out of dirty dishes, and that wouldn’t solve his shower problem anyway. Is it on the person using the water to check the faucet before turning the water on, or should the last person who used the water turn it down to a level tolerable to the other occupants of the home?
Anon
The last four houses I’ve lived in take at least 3-4 minutes (barely exaggerating) for the water to get hot, so it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around this being a problem. There’s plenty of time to adjust before it causes a problem. But our shower is like this, and super hard to adjust as well, and we just leave it as is when we’re done. It’s on whoever gets into the shower next to move it as needed.
Anon
This is my house too.
OP
Yeah for the shower I agree with you, but since I’m the “offender” on that one I’m trying to not look for an out ha. In the kitchen, this usually happens when we’re cooking or cleaning up together and he’s just had the tap running at scalding temperatures while I was doing something else and being oblivious, then I go to wash my hands and get scalded.
anon
I don’t understand why people use ultra hot water to clean the dishes. If it’s hot enough to kill bacteria then it’s hot enough to burn your skin. Wear gloves while doing the dishes but he needs to turn the faucet back down if he demands scalding temperatures. It’s a safety issue. Especially if you have guests they won’t expect to be blasted with boiling water.
Aunt Jamesina
Same at my house, but I also always check before assuming that the water is hot or cold. Even if the chance is low at my house, I never want to risk scalding myself.
I’m definitely no expert, but if your water is still scalding hot awhile after the previous person turns off the tap, I bet your water heater is using a ton of energy.
anon
In my opinion, there is less harm setting the faucet to lower temperature. If you forget to check the setting before you turn the faucet on, a cold or warm stream of water would do less damage vs a sudden stream of boiling-hot water. It takes a nanosecond for the person to twist the faucet to boiling-hot level.
Anon
I agree with this. I’d rather icy water than be burned and have it hurt for several hours.
Anonymous
I am confused. Do you have a temperature knob and then an on-off switch? If so, I think that is on the next user to set it where they want it for their next use. Just as it would be if you had to turn multiple knobs to adjust the temp.
But boy does this question make me never ever want to live with someone.
Anon
My water never gets that hot. Maybe turn down your hot water heater?
Chl
Agreed! We had this problem and then our water heater broke and the guy that fixed it said it had been set really hot and it is hard on all the systems. We didn’t know any different as first time home owners.
Anon
Yes my husband lowered the max temp on our water heater when our kids were little to prevent scalds, and they’re in college now and we haven’t changed it. It’s also energy saving.
No Face
I think each person should adjust the water based on their own needs when they start using it.
Anon
I think everyone should adjust the temp when they start using the water. It’s way too much trouble to have to think about how I want it then think about readjusting it when I turn it off. Then I forget sometimes and that gives the person a reason to be mad at me.
On the other hand, I think my boyfriend should always put the seat down after he pees. I can’t figure out what the difference is between these situations, but I feel strongly about both.
Cat
bc yawning open toilet seats are gross to look at and things can fall in them!
anonshmanon
have you boyfriend google toilet plume.
anonshmanon
ugh, _your_
Anon 2.0
Well, first and foremost, I am glad to find out my DH and I are not the only ones arguing over faucet temps. DH washes his hands in BOILING water then leaves it on hot! I cannot count how many times I have near scalded myself turning on the faucet. IMO, if you are using that hot of water, you need to make sure it isn’t left on where an unsuspecting person gets burned. This is even more true if I am in the middle of cooking so you know I will be going to the faucet repeatedly. Have we actually solved this issue? Not really! LOL. I think he forgets to turn it back to cool just as much as I forget to check to see if it’s hot. I do, however, relish in being SUPER dramatic each time I stick my finger into too hot of water – maybe he’ll get the point one day.
anon
The only time this was an issue was after our new water heater was installed. We had to have the temperature turned down. There’s HOT water and then there’s SCALDING water. If you water is scalding, you need to look to your water heater ime.
Anonymous
Yes, check your boiler, but remember that too low can be dangerous too (Legionella), so you need the right setting.
Cat
Whoever turns the tap on first rotates the handle to the appropriate temperature for what they want.
burns
You need to turn down the temperature of your water at the water heater in the basement. You should never have scalding water coming out of a normal faucet.
This is incredibly dangerous if the water is so hot you could burn someone. You have already hurt yourself. What if you have guests in your home? Your elderly parents? A child?!?!?!
And of course, if there is a chance of literally burning someone, no one should ever leave the water set on hot AND every person has to be meticulous about checking the faucet before turning the water on. You need to do both.
And please make sure you have excellent homeowners insurance and an umbrella policy for when you scald a friend/family member/workman who comes to your home ….
anon
I am lusting after these pants in the plaid. Help talk me into or out of it, as I have been known to make bad fashion decisions:
https://mmlafleur.com/products/mejia-multi
No Face
I have very similar pants and they are surprisingly versatile. It’s starting to get too cold for the length though.
pugsnbourbon
Plaid pants are great and this cut seems pretty versatile. But these don’t seem “special” enough to justify the price tag, unless you know that MMLF works really well for you (and the fabric does seem pretty nice).
Marshmallow
I have these exact pants in last year’s navy plaid and I love them. Comfy, polished, and plaid will go with a lot. I found they run a tad small so maybe size up.
Anon
Something like this is probably how I should scratch my plaid pants itch (I’m always lusting after “holiday” plaid pants this time of year). Do you wear yours for many months out of the year?
IL
I have similar pants from Ann Taylor and they are a workhorse item I wear all the time with black tops. But – they cost me $40 on sale. So I don’t think these are 6x better.
Anonymous
Inspired by my “tasteful v tacky” rant above, was anyone else raised by a parent who had VERY strong opinions on this? And if so, would you share them? I think it might be fun.
Things I was raised to believe were tacky that I like or think are fine as a grown up:
Fancy weddings. Too much jewelry. Buffets at any party. Splitting the check by who ordered what. Earrings on children. Colored Xmas lights. When the waiter stacks the empty plates before taking them away. When someone tries to help the waiter by stacking the empty plates before they arrive. Perfume unless almost undetectable. Talking about your diet. Having a heavy accent from the place we’re from. Living in a fancy house in a modest neighborhood. Living in a large home you can’t afford to furnish. Putting a fountain in your front yard. Taking communion if you didn’t go to confession. Extravagant gifts for children. And serving any food at the dinner table from the package you bought it in.
Thanks I feel unburdened now.
anon
I agree with your parents on a couple things:
– Earrings on a child under four years old are tacky
– Stacking your dishes makes it harder for the waiter
– I have zero interest in anyone’s diet
My parents experience white hot rage when they see fabric chair covers at a wedding. They cannot fathom why anyone would waste money on something so useless. I’m very much single but whenever my hypothetical future wedding comes up they announce that there will be NO CHAIR COVERS. I have never expressed interest in them but my parents feel the need to declare it every time.
Anon
Parents lose their minds over this one weird trick!!
*click*
Op
Haha op your parents should go sit near my mom.
Anon
I am an upper middle class adult who came from a lower class/very poor at times family. I agree with several of these including too much jewelry, earrings on children, stacking plates, talking about your diet, and taking communion if not confirmed (I would never!)
Large houses you can’t afford, frosted lipstick, obvious designer logos, bragging about money or anything expensive, wearing fur, taking home a dish you brought to share, showing up without a dish at Thanksgiving, and never taking your turn to be the one to pay for dinner or drinks were other ones. My parents drilled a lot of these into us. I’m sure I can come up with others.
Oh, not inviting the whole class to your birthday was another one. (Probably because I was on the losing end of that one more than once.)
Anonymous
Haha to clarify, my mom thinks it’s tacky to be at mass and take communion if you haven’t been to confession that week. I wasn’t raised Catholic (she was) but every time I go to a wedding or funeral mass I think “there is just no way all these people went to confession this week” so I suspect it’s an insane thing to judge about.
Anon
I admit I, a non communion taker, was surprised at basically 95% of the guests taking communion at the last funeral I attended.
Anonymous
Word art is so tacky, it doesn’t matter if it says ‘live laugh love’ or ‘first coffee’ or ‘wine time’ its all tacky. (please note I don’t actually tell people this I just silently judge)
Anon
Yes. I’m the same. Doesn’t help that my first cousin was in some sort of MLM pushing this stuff and was relentless with all of us.
Op
Ha! Even trying not to be judgmental, I think mlms are full stop tacky. Oh man. I’m as bad as her.
Anon
At first I was like “oh, matter of opinion” but then I arrived at this one and we can agree it is officially tacky, ha!
anonshmanon
wow, those were some very opinionated parents!
Anonymous
Oh, boy. Yes. I will have to think of the list/rules.
Anon
Yikes to “earrings on a child under four are tacky.” Isn’t this like saying that several world cultures are just tacky?
Anon
Yes. My mom was one of those people, we lived in an area with lots of Mexican and Central American immigrants. She thought it was cruelty to pierce a baby’s ears. I do kind of see the cruelly angle to be honest. I didn’t have my son circumcised either.
anon
It’s the idea that you’re causing pain for purely cosmetic reasons. Girls and women face enough “beauty is pain” messaging, why would you want to force that upon a child you too young to make the choice for themselves? I also worry that a kid without developed motor skills is more likely to snag the earring on something and hurt themselves.
Anon
I have a lot of difficulty with the idea that an ideal life is a life that minimizes pain. A lot of things in life are worth a little pain, and often procedures become more painful as we get older. I guess this is a real cultural divide.
But for anyone to sum up an objection to early piercings as “tacky” seems to bring in a whole lot of additional baggage.
Op
Yeah she just thought it was tacky. I don’t think it was a moral or practical concern. As an adult I think it’s kind of cute and they’re always little studs or something so I don’t really get why it’s tacky.
anon
Replying to Anon at 2:39 – Fair enough. My issue is that the kid’s too young to understand the tradeoff of something painful being worthwhile. And is it really worthwhile if the kid is too young to appreciate how the earrings look? Maybe tacky isn’t the right word – I agree it can be used as thinly veiled classism. It’s more that I see a toddler with earrings and think Ugh, that poor girl probably cried the whole time and doesn’t even care about jewelry, this is so unnecessary.
Anon
I don’t like the word tacky here for that reason but I really do hate seeing girls too young to speak with earrings. The idea of permanently physically altering a child before they are old enough to voice consent sits icky with me. Particularly because the practice is purely for cosmetic purposes. What happens if your baby girl hates girly things like earrings?
Anon
I don’t like earrings on a child under the age of “old enough to care for the piercings completely independently”. I wouldn’t call it tacky, I just don’t like it. But I also don’t like any jewelry on young children and I know that bracelets/necklaces/etc. are also common in many cultures.
Duckles
If a culture supports physically causing a child pain for non-necessary medical purposes, I’m fine judging it.
Anon
Infant piercings aren’t part of my culture, and I haven’t had to make this kind of choice for a child, but the tradition that pain is part of life and that many things we do in life are worth it resonates a lot more with me than idealizing a pain-free existence to the point that only medical necessity warrants any painful experience. It feels more degrading to me to experience pain only when e.g., a dentist says I have to, but never for something I find more meaningful, like tradition or aesthetics.
Anon
“Life isn’t pain free” is different than “decorative surgery on an infant” who can’t choose for themselves. FGM all the way down to piercing. Where do you draw the line? I do it at 0%, unless absolutely medically necessary.
Anon
I am from a culture where ears are routinely pierced on or before a child’s first birthday. I am glad mine were pierced because:
> I was too young to know pain then and it was momentary (like an immunization) – it would have been hard to do later
> ears are softer and thinner at that age, easier to pierce
> if you don’t want it, it is a reversible decision – you can take out your earring anytime and the piercings will close in time (exact time varies but mine nearly did one week when my mom was traveling and my dad didn’t know to put them back in)
> most important to me: I have family heirloom earrings – from my grandmother who I absolutely adore, and also from her mother. I am the first daughter of the first daughter of the first daughter (my grandmother) and I have 4th generation hand-me-downs that are very valuable both objectively (diamond studs) and sentimentally. We were not that well off but our culture values jewelry and it is an important possession for women. I suppose I could have them recast as a pendant if I chose not to wear them as earrings, but I treasure the opportunity to wear these earrings (special) as well as other earrings handed down by my mother and grandmother.
Anon
You can get your ears pierced when you’re old enough to choose for yourself. You’ll still be able to wear the earrings. It’s not either/or.
Anon
Uhhhh thanks for opining on this poster’s own culture and lived experience?
Of Counsel
Are you my sister?
Actually no – because my parents would not have balked at buffets or colored lights as long as they were not “too much”. But the rest – absolutely considered tacky.
And honestly, I agree with much (although not all) of the rest. Conspicuous consumption is always tacky. And trying to split the check down to the penny is ridiculous for people out of school – although the flip side is that one person should not order $100 worth of food and drink and then expect the person who ordered an appetizer and water to pay for it. In that case, just pick up the whole tab and let the other person put down cash for a tip.
Of Counsel
Oh and to add – slogans on clothing for children, particularly if suggestive. When my daughter was in preschool my mother saw one of her classmates wearing velour track pants with “Hot Stuff” written across the rear and I though she was going to have a heart attack. She also objected to any political messages, any “Princess” messaging, etc. “Children are not billboards” was a favorite line.
And I forgot colored stones on children. Girls could wear gold or silver as children and pearls after age 16. But colored stones (or facsimiles thereof) were for adults and for evening. My daughter got a string of pearls when she turned 16 (actually the set her parents had given her restrung) and diamond earrings for her 21st as a mark of adulthood (and lest anyone think my parents are uber-wealthy they are not; I think a lot of this was passed down from her parents who barely made it into the middle class and therefore adopted those rules as a way of demonstrating it).
Op
Yes! I feel like I know your mom without knowing her. I was also given a stand of pearls for my 16th birthday.
Anon
This is why I hate the word “tacky.”
It’s often used as a moral judgment just to denote things that the user doesn’t prefer. Plus a lot of this list is classist and devalues common things in cultures outside the user’s circles. And, it’s most frequently used against women and just adds one more thing we have to be concerned about lest we be judged.
My parents would use it in the context of actions that could actually hurt others, like not inviting everyone in the class to a birthday party. But “a heavy accent” (huh???) or “multicolored lights” were not in the realm.
Op
I agree. But I think my mom also used it to cast judgment on people in her own social and ethic group. (I think it’s probably clear from this list that she grew up poor and
Catholic in New York ) Sort of like, policing their actions where she thought it was contributing to stereotypes, if that makes sense?
Love her to death but just last week she was upset over someone’s accent. She herself has a heavy ny accent and but to be fair, a heavy accent here, “dems and dos” for “them and those” for example, probably evokes much worse stereotypes than, say a heavy midwestern accent.
Former Southener
The critical thing is heavy accent from their own region.
I am from the South and there is a very heavy Southern accent (people from outside think it is put on) heavily laden with poor grammar (ain’t; lack of verb/pronoun agreement; etc.). I would not say my family considers it tacky but it is a hallmark of lack of education and was definitely looked down on. (Although they never did train idn’t out of me completely! I did learn there is a time, place and audience.)
This is all of course very culturally dependent. In my family at least the rules did not apply to people from other cultures. But they tended to judge conspicuous consumption and attention seeking for things related to wealth pretty harshly, in large part because it was seen as a way to make yourself seem better than others.
Anon
“Proper grammar” is really just a prestige dialect. I understand people view other dialects as “poor grammar,” but I wish the world were different, and I’m glad when people get by codes switching.
I adapted so thoroughly to college educated speech that I am no longer really capable of speaking the way I was raised, and it can sometimes feel like a wedge between me and my extended family now.
Anon
100% can relate here.
“Ain’t” is a great example. Who says using it isn’t proper grammar? It’s a word (some people might not like it, but English doesn’t have a committee or anything that decides what a word is). I’m not picking on the person above, and I think she might agree with me, but that is something I hear cited often.
After I eradicated all evidence of my poor, rural upbringing, it’s definitely driven a wedge between me and people from my hometown.
I similarly wish the world were different.
Anonymous
Oh my mother and grandmother had Opinions. Above ground pools. Lawns that aren’t perfectly cut grass. Swing sets or other large child-oriented things in the backyard. Toys in the front yard. Toys anywhere in the house other than the child’s bedroom or designated play room. Leather furniture. Decorating “too much” for holidays. Not decorating at all for holidays. House plants. Indoor pets.
Things that they do/did that I think are tacky: doilies on every surface. Plastic covers on the couch and mattresses. Moth balls in every closet and drawer. Butterscotch. Candy and nut dishes that sit out exposed for years. Keeping broken antiques because they were once good and you’re sure your kids will fix them (we won’t). Bright red lipstick with no lip liner, so the lipstick bleeds into all the fine lines around your mouth. Decoys and taxidermy as decor. Come to think of it I guess I have Opinions too.
Anon
This is so familiar it’s nostalgic to me!
Annie Nominous
Butterscotch? I don’t get that one. It’s a flavor.
Anonymous
My grandmother carried around these butterscotch candies in her purse. They had been there since like 1956. She insisted on giving me one every time she saw me and she wouldn’t be satisfied until she saw me pop it in my mouth. Then later she would criticize my weight and skin and tell me I wouldn’t have these problems if I didn’t eat so much candy. Sigh.
Lily
Wearing velvet in the daytime, wearing velvet, suede, or patent leather in the summer, wearing white or red shoes (other than sneakers and maybe sandals) unless you’re a child, colored Christmas tree lights, not snipping the stitch on a blazer or skirt vent before wearing, not snipping the cloth label off of a suit sleeve before wearing, leaving plastic on picking up a piece of silverware that fell on the ground at a restaurant (push it safely under the table with your foot and let waiter get it after the meal is over), and so many more. Unfortunately I have absorbed most of these.