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- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anonymous
Nice top but elastic like this always hits me in the ribs and is beyond annoying. I have an email question. I get roughly 150 emails per day on a large variety of topics and am struggling to organize them. I’m spending as much time filing them in subject matter folders as I am reading them. When I do chronological filing I find it hard to find by topic.
Would love to hear what other people do.
Anonymous
I never file email. It’s fine.
Anonymous
+1. I use the search function and can always find what I need. I do save some emails on our server that document really important information others might need, but my inbox itself has no files.
annienomous
+1 to the search function. Do I need to remember the last email a specific client sent me? Search. Do I need to locate the family address list my MIL sent me five years ago? Search. I get what I need within seconds.
Senior Attorney
Yup. That’s what I do.
CountC
I have 11k+ emails in my inbox (only for 2019). I use the search function. I would waste so much time filing emails.
CountC
I have 11k emails in my inbox from 2019. I use the search function. Sorting/filing would be a huge time suck that I don’t have the bandwidth for.
Cb
I don’t get quite as many emails but I’ve stopped filing emails and instead rely on the search function.
Informational emails – archived
Requires reply – in inbox until it is replied to, then archive
Requires action – added to my to do list, archived once done
I used to use a lot more rules but now that search is so much better, I just archive.
I also try and triage emails during low energy periods, and will sometimes spend an hour or so in the evening just blasting emails. I don’t like wasting my most ‘on it’ times on a timesuck like email.
Anonymous
I use rules pretty aggressively. Can you set up auto-file by sender, or do you have one person sending you emails on several subjects? Set up a “key words” rule?
Anon
I find I have to file them immediately or the same day to not get super behind. If I do get behind, I sort by subject and then batch file them that way. I need to have mine filed by case unfortunately so I can’t just rely on the search function, though I certainly do when I am behind.
The original Scarlett
I sort into this week, this month, this quarter, this year, keep – plus special projects folders. Helps narrow search and keeps my inbox clear
Anonymous
I get a ton of emails during the day, but they probably only fall into a dozen or so topics. I’m a transactional attorney, with usually 6 active deals at any given time. I don’t bother sorting any emails during the day. Instead, when I enter my time each morning, I will file emails from the previous day. Right now, I just finished entering and releasing Thursday’s billable time, so all of yesterday’s emails that I don’t need immediate access to get filed. The ones that stay in my inbox are items I need to continue to reference or tasks that haven’t been completed yet. That happens using the search function, but also the “sort by subject” feature in outlook. There are probably 10-ish emails a day that I get which I don’t even see (various newsletter type emails) and these are dealt with via a rule that marks them as read and moves them to a sub folder. I will also end up with a lot of UPS delivery confirmation emails and a lot of scans of items to a copier – rather than try to sort these into the individual deal/client/matter folder, I have one “copier scans” folder and one “UPS Emails” folder where these all go because I generally won’t really need to refer to them again.
Anonymous
I’m a director managing about a dozen projects with different teams and get about 200 emails a day. I rely on advanced search (from, keyword, etc.) It seems like you’re creating a ton of busy work with all of this filing. Is there some reason you’re not using advanced search instead?
Ellen
I use a special sort function that sort’s: (1) by cleint and then (2) by matter. That way, I know who sent me stuff in each matter. I do this b/c I have mabye 30 cleint’s working on 250 matters at a time, but when the matter is done, I still have them sorted. The only time this gets difficult is when I can’t remember which matter I faced an issue, even tho I remember the cleint, as I probably deal with over 500 matters each year. FOOEY! Once I find a rich guy to marry me, I will gladly leave all of these files for my associate to sift through.
Lots to Learn
This is an ongoing fight I have with my teenage daughters, who never file emails. It absolutely boggles my mind that people can get by without having a foldering system for emails. I know you think you can just search for them (and that’s a good backup for when things do get misfiled – love X1 Search for that), but if someone misspells a word or you forget what something is called, you’re screwed. I have folders set up for all my clients and all the matters under them. And subfolders for correspondence, court filings, discovery, etc. And subfolders under them. Same for internal firm matters and for personal issues (doctor, house, school, subscriptions, etc.). It takes me just a second to file substantive emails. Of course, minor or transitory issue emails don’t get filed. I can’t believe it takes as much time to file them as it does to read them – that’s certainly not been my experience. And at our firm, loose emails get deleted, whereas foldered emails get archived. YMMV, I guess, but I really can’t wrap my head around not filing emails or just using a chronological system.
Nesprin
This might be a pre- gmail vs. post- gmail fight. I remember how revolutionary it was to have a good email search function vs. yahoo mail and the other predecessors and this basically replaced the need to sort/file emails. I’ve got >15k emails in my gmail, and I have found pretty much anything i’ve needed based on date/sender/content.
Anonymous
Why would teenagers need to file emails? The search function is great and most teens aren’t getting hundreds or even dozens of important emails a day like professionals do. Plus spelling isn’t an issue if you know who the sender is–their email address is not going to be misspelled.
Anonymous
Why would a teenager need to file emails? Most don’t get hundreds or even dozens of actionable items each day like professionals. Plus the search function is great and spelling isn’t a concern if you know who sent you the email, since you can just search for their email address.
Lots to Learn
They do get lots of emails with information – from teachers for each of 6 classes, and for all their various activities. And often, they don’t know who the sender is. So if, for instance, they send out an email asking people to sign up for their project, all of 20+ responses should go into one folder, along with budgets, approvals, applications, etc. And they may not all have the same keywords. Life is just too short not be organized! But reading all these responses, I guess I’m in the minority.
BT
I think the responses indicate that it’s really personal. And it is – the organization has to make sense to the person using it. So if the issue is your daughter not being able to find information she needs, then she needs to figure out a system that works *for her*. Which may not be the system that works for you. Might be labeling things vs putting in folders, or just paying attention to conversation chains, or something else entirely.
Anon
I think this is really a personal preference thing. IMO life is too short to spend it filing emails.
Anon
I don’t file email. Ain’t nobody got time for that. J eventually archive by date range (roughly quarterly) and as others have said, I can always find them.
I do have a couple of folders. One is called To Do, which is where I drag emails that require an action on my part other than just a response. Like a “please send me” kind of thing. And my other folder is Expense, where I drag emailed receipts I will need for my expense report.
On the To Do folder, I delete emails from there as soon as the task is done.
Anon
I do the same thing. I don’t file them, though for work email I generally eventually put them in folders by year.
The Original ...
I have folders for everything; for individual jobs, for friends who email a lot, and one for happiness. I read the email. I either respond to it immediately and then file it or I leave it as unread and in my inbox to respond to asap. I may snooze it to pop up if it’s a reminder to do something or call into somewhere or something. If it’s junk mail, I unsubscribe from the list and delete it immediately. As a result, the only emails in my inbox are items waiting to be responded to or that remind me of something happening within the next hour. (Once the event is over, I file that too.) As a result, my inbox is always either a to-do list or it’s empty.
I can then search folders or search all of my gmail for a word or sender or topic, as needed.
This also makes it easy for me to pop into my happiness folder when I’m having a bad day and either read through several or click at random to read something that made me happy enough at the time to file it there. A great quick pickmeup whenever I need one!
Anon
I have folders by topic for everything since I practice inbox zero. I respond, forward, or delete immediately and the remaining emails get filed.
shananana
What email service do you use?
In Outlook, where I also average 150-200 emails a day, I file by month, set folders to put everything in conversation, then just key word search to find everything.
In gmail, its a free for all where it just all goes into archive and I search. I vastly prefer outlook
Anon
I do modified inbox zero with the following folders:
-inbox (items to do or respond to)
-in progress (emails are moved to done once item is published)
-delayed (complete but to be published at a later date)
-coworker (we split incoming tasks; this way I can go back and review his stuff if he’s out sick but otherwise ignore it)
-office announcements
-major self contained projects
-notes (schedules, reference materials, etc.)
-done (archive of tasks)
If I need to find something, I search for it or look through the appropriate folder. I don’t sort by topic (except for select major projects) because I would spend more time filing than actually completing the tasks.
hi hi hi
I get about 1000 emails a day, and I’ve stopped bothering to file. Much easier to search now that Outlook searches all of the Inbox versus just a particular file folder.
Anon
When I was in private practice, I had to file by client/matter (and possibly sub-folders within matter), or I’d be totally lost when something popped up months later. Also, it was important for my colleagues to be able to later access those emails in or our DRM.
At home, I’ve not really gotten into filing. It might be helpful for certain volunteer activities, but I’ve gotten by just fine with search.
Anna Mia
I receive like 150-200 emails a day. I have rules for my boss, but the overall filing doesn’t make sense for me as I have to archive them once a month. However, I save emails related to specific projects in relevant folders on the hard drive. Mostly those are emails with approvals.
Anonymous
More gift ideas requested! Im trying to think of a Christmas present for my au pair. She’s 26, and I know what she’d really like is cash, so that will happen, but I want to give her something physical too. She is athletic and social and pretty frugal. I’m thinking about some sweet earrings and/or a simple necklace but am drawing a blank on where to shop for these online. Budget of $100 or less.
MagicUnicorn
$100 extra cash gets my vote, unless you know exactly what she likes in jewelry.
Anonymous
+1 I think guessing at someone else’s taste in jewellery is a fool’s errand. Like employees, what she will appreciate the most is cash and time off. If she will be with you on Christmas and you want to have something for her to open, I’d get her a pair of Ugg Ainsley slippers with a gift receipt.
Anon
I agree that cash is king but I also agree if she’s there on Christmas morning you need a thing or two for her to unwrap under the tree!
Abby
I’ve gotten nice simple studs from JCrew or Nordstrom Rack. But I’d love extra cash more (:
Anonymous
I’d steer away from earrings since so many people have metal allergies.
Anon
+1. I can’t wear most of the earrings (or other jewelry) people give me because of a nickel allergy.
Anon
+1 I wear earrings, but it’s a cr*pshoot across price levels and advertised metal content whether I will be able to wear them (at all or until the coating wears off).
Anonymous
$75 extra dollars of cash and a cute water bottle
Anonymous
Another $100 in cash and a heartfelt note.
Lily
Gorjana!
dpmitten
Extra cash and few cute accessories from Lululemon. Headbands, water bottle, etc.
Anonymous
I love Lululemon but please no headbands. Nobody wears those anymore. It’s 2019. Just give her cash.
Anonymous
Really? Headbands seem to be absolutely everywhere lately.
Anon
Yeah headbands are back for sure.
Dpmitten
People who exercise and need to keep wispies out of their face do.
Anon
I don’t wear them outside the gym but I won’t go to the gym without a headband. I hate getting wispies stuck to my neck and sweat in my eyebrows.
The Original ...
Cash and a handwritten card thanking her for specific things she does that you appreciate. If you want something more tangible to open, a nice box of chocolates or other consumable is a great option. That way she can enjoy a treat (or regift it) and she has the card as something meaningful with the cash inside it.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
As a former nanny, just give her the money and maybe a bottle of champagne. And have the kids make her a card or draw a picture. She just wants (and needs) money.
Anon
I had an au pair that sounds similar last year. We got her a couple of sweaters from Aerie. They were fairly inexpensive. I wouldn’t suggest nice earrings or jewelry, just because I don’t know if she’d appreciate the value.
Anonymous
I just bought our former nanny (and myself) a pair of zodiac sign studs from Aurate for ~$70. They arrive in a really nice leather pouch and a cute box with free 2 day shipping. Two thumbs up from me!
Anonymous
When I was an au pair the family gave me a cashmere scarf and some nice tea for Christmas (they knew that I was super into tea, and I had admired the mom’s scarf). I found it really thoughtful of them, and I still think of the kids when I use the scarf, nine years later! I was an au pair in France, though, and the family paid for my housing and transit and I could eat all their food and I had a 300 euro monthly stipend, so I didn’t really need more money.
Anonymous
You can afford an au pair but your “budget” is only $100? Sheesh
The Good Wife
https://www.zara.com/ru/en/leather-high-heel-boots-with-cowboy-buckle-p15034001.html?v1=34668777&v2=1281530
how would you style these boots? I love them, and have bought them, but am looking for something other than black tights, black dress….
anon
These seem pretty versatile. I think you can wear them with anything – jeans, dresses, skinny pants, skirts.
Anonymous
Do you have any prairie dresses?
The Good Wife
That’s a good idea, I hadn’t thought of that…
Anon
Why is your link coming from Russia? Are you there?
The Good Wife
Actually, yes, I am.
Anonymous
My LG front loading washer has a not great smell at the moment- kind of like rotten eggs? Whenever I start a load. I leave it open to dry, have done a white vinegar cleaning cycle, have emptied the waste water drawer thing in the front. Any suggestions?
Anon
Have you cleaned out the rubber door seal really well? Mine accumulates all manner of lint and dog hair. Maybe try an empty cycle with hot water (or the sanitize cycle, if it has one) and bleach.
nona
Rotten egg smell is usually associated with sulfur compounds – it’s mostly commonly associated with the additive they add to natural gas to make it easier to tell if there is a leak. Do you have a gas dryer?
Otherwise, is there something caught in another trap of the machine, or in the drain hose?
Anonymous
We do have a gas dryer, but I never smell it association with the dryer, just the washer. Good call checking the drain hose. We have pets and little kids, so I’m sure there’s all kinds of gross things lurking, it’s just frustrating not finding the source or getting rid of the smell.
anon
It could be coming from the drain pipe instead of the washing machine itself.
If it’s definitely the washing machine, try a clean cycle with bleach or with a combination of vinegar and baking soda. Make sure you’re leaving the door to the washing machine open.
Anon
They make a front loading washing machine cleaners. You can find them on the detergent aisle.
Anon
Maybe leave the drawer ajar where the detergent goes, too. We have a compact front-loading LG washer that we love, and we do that. The manual says to do a sanitizing wash once per month.
food safety
Paging food safety from yesterday’s coffee break – if you frequently come home to the power out, here’s a good hack. Fill a mason jar half full with water and freeze it. Then turn it upside down and leave it in the freezer. That way, you can see (roughly) how melted things got when you get home and make your judgments!
Anon
Why on earth would you turn it upside down and let water spill everywhere when it melts? Do the same thing to fill the jar, but then put a penny on top once it freezes. If you open the freezer again and it’s at the bottom or in the middle of the ice, it means it refroze and your food might not be safe to eat.
Anonymous
This was also my immediate reaction, thinking more about it, I assume OP also puts a lid on the jar. :)
food safety
Lol yes, there’s a lid! Didn’t realize I had to specify. Penny trick works well too!
Ribena
I do this but with a tiny little dressing container. Less thermal mass so it will melt quicker and it also takes up less space in my tiny freezer.
(I think OP meant you’d put a lid on the jar before turning it upside down though)
Anon
I’m not OP but my mason jars wouldn’t spill water upside down. That’s why you buy mason (or in my case, Ball brand) jars. They seal.
I think the tip is that when you turn it upside down, if your power goes out and the ice melts and then refreezes when the power comes back on, the ice will now be at the lid side of the jar.
Flats Only
Freeze it with the lid on.
Anonymous
The freezer stays cold much longer than the fridge, though.
The clock on one of our appliances defaults to 12:00 and then starts counting from there. If I come home at 6:00 and that clock is flashing 4:00, I know the power has been back on for 4 hours. I then conclude that the absolute longest the power could have been out is 7 hours (from the time I left at 7:00 until it came back on at 2:00).
anon a mouse
Someone the other day was asking about the Merino Rothys. I’ve had mine for a few weeks now and can say that they are definitely warmer than the regular ones. I really like them for that — I can wear them without any socks or tights and my feet don’t freeze (I am really sensitive to cold feet). I have the points and they fit the same as my others. I don’t think they will be year-round shoes because I expect they will make my feet hot in the summer, but that’s okay with me. I’m happy to have flats that will keep me warm.
Referral code for $20 off for anyone interested: https://share.rothys.com/x/P80sLq
Anon
I have a few different articles of merino clothing and I bet you will be able to wear them in the summer. Merino generally breathes well and is a great temperature regulator for hot and cold weather. I bought my husband (who is an incredibly sweaty person, but prefers to always wear long sleeves and pants) a merino sweater and he loved it because it kept him warm in the cold but never made him overheat or get sweaty.
Anon
I’m debating hopping on the Rothy’s bandwagon. Do they last long enough to justify the price? Flats, no matter how expensive, always seem to wear out very quickly for me (they’re my go-to every day shoe, so I’m prone to picking one pair every season or so and wearing it to death before restocking). But I would love to have some flats that could hold for at least a year or longer without looking ultra-worn out.
Anonymous
I just checked my account and I bought my first pair in 2017 and they’re still holding up really well.
Obligatory referral code if you’re interested in checking them out. They offer free returns if you get them and decide they don’t look like they’ll hold up for you. https://share.rothys.com/x/h7ZW6X
anon a mouse
I have several pairs, and the ones I bought 2 years ago still look brand new after a trip through the washing machine. They seem to avoid the dreaded “driver’s heel” that is the kiss of death for all my other shoes.
Anon
Get a couple pairs of flats and rotate. Any shoe is going to look bad if you wear it every day for a year.
"Quiet Enjoyment"?
What counts as “quiet enjoyment?” I live in a rental unit and am having noise and smoke issues with a neighbor (much like someone else who posted a few days ago, thank you to them for igniting my interest in better understanding this issue). I am locked into a lease with a penalty for breaking it but my new neighbors are awful and I am wondering just how bad things need to get before I would have a legal leg to stand on to break my lease without the penalty. So far, multiple complaints to the landlord company are going ignored, they tell me to call police when the music is loud, the police some and knock on their door but they do not answer and turn down the music just until the police leave. This happens almost daily. The mar!juana smoke is rampant late at night and the landlord company says they cannot do anything if they do not smell it, but the smoking happens when the landlord office is closed, so that cannot happen. I do not know if the person has a medical card, which would be the only way it would be legal in my state, but even then, am I required to deal in my apartment because they use it in theirs?
I have called probably 15 times with complaints in the 45 days they have lived here and sent many emails once I realized I may need written record of complaints. Obviously nothing will change since the landlord is not proactive and the tenants know there is a problem but do not stop the behavior. How bad does it have to get for me to leave without penalty?
Anonymous
Quiet enjoyment has nothing whatsoever to do with noise.
Anonymous
You are wrong. The landlord has an obligation to ensure the tenant has use of the unit and letting someone else interfere with that can be a breach. OP should see a real estate attorney or if OP does not have those resources check OP’s town to see if there is a tenant’s rights group who can help. There are also usually local ordinances about second hand smoke that apply to all smoke.
Anon
Call the police when you smell marijuana. Who cares if they have a medical card? If they have one they’ll show it, if they don’t they’ll be penalized and maybe start smoking outside. Call every time they do it.
Anon
IF you can afford it, meet with a landlord/tenant attorney. They can send some letters to the landlord which might make the landlord do something, or at least creates a paper trail for you trying to break your lease if nothing changes. They can also advise one when is enough is enough to break a lease.
Small Law Partner
Have you tried talking to your neighbors directly? They may not know how much this is bothering you.
Sounds like your landlord is not doing their job. I agree with meeting with a lawyer if you can and getting them to send a simple demand letter to light the fire under the landlord’s butt. Also, is your building non-smoking?
Fwiw, I recently dealt with noise issues (in a condo), but we have an on the ball property manager. If you can get the property management company to act, you may have luck. My story is that our upstairs neighbors would slam their door (right above our bedroom) dozens of times in the wee hours of the night (i.e., between midnight and 6am). They would also make loud crashing sounds during those same hours – some so hard that they would cause art to fall off the wall. We tried talking to them, but they acted like we were crazy that we thought they (old couple) were awake at those hours even though I caught them on their balcony at 3:30am one night and 4:00am another (literally ran outside in my PJs and made sure they made eye contact with me). We documented everything in detail in a log over a two week period, and gave it to the property manager. With that, he provided the log, talked to them, and they still denied everything. They then wrote us a very very nasty letter filed with tons of profanity and variety of racial slurs/commentary on interracial relationships and taped it to our door, that we immediately copied and gave to the property manager. He fined them heftily for the letter (for harassing other owners). He told us to report every noise issue, and he’d fine them. He fined them 3 times in a week and then magically the noise stopped completely. I think it helped that I am a lawyer, but I had a real estate colleague ready to write a demand letter in the event he would do nothing.
Anonymous
how much is the penalty for breaking your lease? my experience with situations like this is that there is no way things are going to improve unless the other neighbor moves out. You can keep pushing on the landlord, and create an annoyance for him/her, so that it will be less likely that the new neighbor’s lease will be renewed, but the landlord doesn’t really have many options here. I live in a condo building where in years past, some of the units were being used as rentals. We had a huge, huge problem with pot smoke and an aggressive neighbor. I think the landlord was secretly afraid of her. He took no action based off of many complaints, other than to email the renter; however, when her lease was up, the landlord chose not to allow her to renew for another year. So, you could wait it out with the hope that would happen, or move. The noise problem is difficult as well.
Anon
Ugh, annoyed at my friend who was also a bridesmaid in a recent wedding who just texted a photo of us in our dresses with the words “let’s agree to never wear these again” with a comment on how unflattering it is. She knows I’m planning to wear it again and even if I wasn’t, who the heck wants to hear someone tear everyone down like that? I pushed back and called her out on it and now she’s acting like innocent with “oh I didn’t mean you!” Then perhaps avoid words like “we” and “both”? Not that hard. Ugh.
Anonymous
I agree this is a little catty, but she’s 100% tearing down the bride who picked these dresses, not you. It’s a comment about how ugly the dresses are, not your body.
Anonymous
Gross.
The original Scarlett
Life is too short for manufactured drama, let it go. You liked it, she didn’t, so what?
Anon
Pro tip, Scarlett – if you ever “don’t like” a dress, the best way to express that isn’t by tearing down your friend wearing the same exact one.
Anon
You seem to want to be upset about this. Your friend was not tearing you down.
Explore what other issues are at play here.
The Original ...
The joke was on the dress and maybe on the dress picker outer, as well as a shared moment of you both “suffering” together. It wasn’t meant to be about your body, even though it felt that way. While I get why it hurt since you plan to wear the dress again, I’d see it for its intention and let it go. (If it were me, I’d also reconsider whether I ought to wear the dress again and I’d ask a very honest friend, but maybe that’s just me lol)
Anon
OP here and I get where the friend was coming from (I know her very well), but it’s still frustrating to hear that instead of even one comment about how happy we look or how great a day it was or something, anything other than negative body talk. Negative self-talk is the worst form of female bonding.
The Original ...
OP here and I get where the friend was coming from (I know her very well), but it’s still frustrating to hear that instead of even one comment about how happy we look or how great a day it was or something, anything other than negative body talk. Negative self-talk is the worst form of female bonding.
Anon
If she absolutely knew you were planning to wear it again, then I think her text was passively-aggressively telling you that she thought that was a bad idea. What are you planning to wear the dress for in the future?
Anon
Another wedding for a different friend (not in the same group). She loves the dress and thinks it’s perfect in her bridesmaid line-up. The friend from this current instance claimed (when I pushed back on her) that it was about her, not me, which I believe, but I think that if you simply must complain about yourself, you need to watch your language and not also insult someone else. It’s ultimately not a big deal and we’re both over it already in our texting conversation but it was just kind of jarring to hear that kind of trash talk first thing in the morning when wedding pictures finally became available.
Anonymous
You are choosing to be offended here.
Senior Attorney
Yeah I feel like this is a case where “presume good intentions” will go a long way.
busybee
I don’t think this is negative body talk. It’s a well-worn joke (see what I did there) to complain about bridesmaids dresses. If anything, it’s a little insulting to whoever selected the bridesmaids dresses, but she was jokingly complaining about the dress, not a body.
Anon
+1 I have never not heard this joke at weddings where the bride picked all the bridesmaid’s dresses. It is not at all about the bodies of the bridesmaids, and in many of those instances there were bridesmaids who wore the dresses again for other events.
Anonymous
I think the friend’s comments fall into the category of negative bridesmaid dress talk (which is a hilarious form of female bonding, I have found) rather than negative self-talk. You are interpreting her comments about the dress as a comment about your body and I think you should believe her when she says she didn’t mean it that way.
Anonymous
I think of a bridesmaids dress almost like a costume — a thing you wear for a role. It’s not about you. Rewearing it to another wedding, especially when you already bought it, is a wise financial move. I’d rewear something bride #2 is OK with even if I loathed the dress just to save $. Heck, that would be a major win.
Anonymous
bridesmaid dresses are generally ugly and should not be worn again. Sorry.
Anon
If your bridesmaid’s dress fits the criteria for a second wedding, I say save the $$$ instead of buying a second bridesmaid’s dress
Senior Attorney
Except as a bridesmaid in another wedding, which is what it seems like OP is planning.
Eek
Ugh, that’s so obnoxious. I’m sure she was trying to make a joke but how irritating.
UHU
Isn’t that typical though–bridesmaids dresses are kind of ugly, even if they aren’t? More so because you’re trying to get a group of different body types and fashion styles to look similar? Maybe it would be best if you a break from that person, sounds like you may have other issues with her.
Anon
To clarify, the comment about it being unflattering was on how “wide” we look, not on the print or something dress-specific. I did not (and do not) think I looked wide in the dress and I don’t need someone else coming in to tell me how fat they think I look.
Anon
Ok, I agree that’s a bit different than making fun of the dress and I’d be annoyed too. I still remember a friend who saw another girl (a stranger) wearing a dress I owned and said to me “That dress really emphasizes her gut – make sure you suck in your gut when you wear it.” Like, yes, it’s mostly a comment about the stranger’s body and the cut of the dress, but it’s also super rude to say that I have a ‘gut’ that needs to be sucked in.
Anon
Ooh that makes it a little different. I know it’s kind of a running joke that bridesmaid dresses are ugly, and could see that being what she was going for before you added in this detail. There’s a difference between tactlessly ragging on a dress, and criticizing how you think someone else looks in it. Even if I thought I looked awful in a dress, I’d keep all my comments about how unflattering it is confined to me and my body–no one else’s! Even if I thought it made someone look wide or some other “unflattering” thing, what do I know? Maybe they like the way the dress makes them look, or maybe they like playing up those features, or whatever their personal taste is. That was a thoughtless and rude comment for your friend to make.
Anon
The last wedding I went to featured bridesmaids dresses so ugly and unflattering that I wondered if the bride was doing it to sabotage her bridesmaids.
I ended up doing a couple of shots with the bridesmaids later and that was indeed the case – the bride had told them their dresses were “revenge” for all the dresses they had made her wear in their weddings. And also that she wanted to look the thinnest in the pictures.
Weird flex but ok?
Anon
The last wedding I went to featured bridesmaids dresses so ugly and unflattering that I wondered if the bride was doing it to sabotage her bridesmaids.
I ended up doing a couple of shots with the bridesmaids later and that was indeed the case – the bride had told them their dresses were “revenge” for all the dresses they had made her wear in their weddings. And also that she wanted to look the thinnest in the pictures.
Weird flex but ok?
Worry About Yourself
I might send something to her saying “Hey friend, I know your comment wasn’t aimed at me in particular, but I found it a bit hurtful. I like the dress, I thought it looked good on me and I plan to wear it again. I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way.” She’s entitled to her feelings about the dress, in particular how it looked on her, but she doesn’t need to drag everyone else into that drama or say rude things about how the other women looked, that’s just rude.
Anon
Stewing about it on an internet message board is probably not going to help you feel better.
Leatty
Gift ideas for someone who is graduating with her masters in occupational therapy? She’s a very traditional Southerner in her mid-twenties. I’d like to keep it under $75.
The Original ...
Does she have a job? If not, resume services may be most useful. Otherwise, if she commutes far, something like nice driving gloves or for her car. Otherwise, a gift card to Target so she can decorate her office or treat herself or something may be most useful!
Anon
Please don’t get her driving gloves, she’s not in 1940 – people in their 20s, unless they have pale or sensitive skin aren’t going to think “hmmm, I could use some driving gloves”. That would go in her trunk and stay there.
I’d say a gift certificate to a salon she likes so she can get a nice spruce up before starting work (you say traditional Southern so I assume she wears makeup and probably also dyes her hair blonde).
Maybe also some new luxury personal care products. Or a gift certificate to the Container Store, Ethan Allen, or Bed Bath and Beyond if she is moving out on her own.
Anon
Even those of us with pale skin just get our cars tinted to block UV rays. I’ve never even heard of driving gloves.
anon
I have several pairs of summer driving gloves (several so one is always handy) that I use to keep the sun off my hands. On a previous commute, I had the west on the driver’s side, with the sun beating on the steering wheel. I found I was adapting my grip to avoid the sun, moving my hands out of the glare.
So not only do driving gloves exist, but they come in seasons!
Worry About Yourself
I’ve kept gloves in my car that have a nice grip to them, but only for use in the winter when my steering wheel sometimes gets unbearably cold to touch, especially first thing in the morning.
anon
I’m a southerner, and a lot of women down here wear pearls. So maybe some “starter” pearl studs. I personally prefer pearl studs over other stud earrings, but to each their own.
Anon
Or a pearl and gold brooch (I have two and I LOVE them and get compliments whenever I wear them – obvs I’m a Southerner). I love antique-style brooches!
anon
monogrammed yeti?
Anon
I have no idea what this means, but as a fan of Sasquatch I have to say that I love this comment.
Anon
A nice notebook or or portfolio with her monogram.
Anonymous
A gift card or cash. Transitions are expensive, especially when you’re young, and she probably needs a random assortment of different things.
Senior Attorney
I got my son a session with a photographer for professional head shots when he graduated from his master’s program. It’s come in really handy and he said that when he gave his first employer a photo for his ID badge, the HR person said “wow! That’s the best ID photo I’ve ever seen!”
Senior Attorney
And… reading fail because that’s obviously over your budget. Never mind.
Irish Midori
Hoping to have a baby today. I have a c-section scheduled next week, but really today seems like a good day to get it over with. Friday the 13th is lucky for me! Send me labor vibes!
Abby
Congrats! Good luck, can’t wait to hear an update (:
anon a mouse
Good luck, I hope baby cooperates! I’ve always found Friday the 13th lucky for me, too.
The Original ...
Sending you happy labor vibes for a safe and productive labor and for the healthy arrival of your tiny human! <3
Anonymous
The moon is pretty full, so you could be in luck
Anon
Ack! That is so exciting! Warm and positive thoughts to you, and a little bit of envy. A new baby!!!
Mrs. Jones
Good luck!!
Go for it
Come on out baby !!
Ducky
I had my baby on a Friday the 13th. Now it’s our lucky day!
Sending good delivery vibes your way!
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo! Go, you!!
Vicky Austin
Good vibes!!! Hope it’s quick and uncomplicated!
food obsessed mom
Help me learn to deal with my opinionated mom! My mom is in general a very intelligent, very opinionated, person. For the last few years, her favorite topic is food, namely, the specific diet she’s on, which she’s thriving on. I actually eat that way probably 90% of the time (same genetics, so probably not a surprise that we both find it works well), but don’t self-identify as following it. But 90% isn’t 100%, so every time I see my mom she seems to feel the need to give me a lecture on how awesome her preferred way of eating is. Frankly, it’s boring, and I’m so tired of hearing about this topic. In a separate thread, I’ve been struggling to get and stay pregnant. I recently read some research which seemed to describe my situation very well, and was very very excited to read that for people like me, increasing my (currently low) protein levels to 25-30% of calories could dramatically increase my egg quality and rate of carrying a baby to term. Perhaps I was stupid to ask my mom for help, but for a few minutes I genuinely thought that she would be a good source of information on how to increase my protein consumption and that this would give her a way to talk about food in a way that was at least useful for me. I told her what I’d learned and asked for suggestions on how to make this change. Well, terrible idea – our conversation quickly derailed as she immediately said “That much protein is really hard on your kidneys!” and then proceeded to tell me all the ways a high protein diet was going to kill me. I almost said “well, if I don’t get to have a baby I don’t f-ing care if I die at 45!”. Maybe I should have. A week later I’m still just so angry and frustrated with her – I’m hate the fact that her desire to be “right” is more important to her than if I get to have a baby. I hate the fact she doesn’t trust me to do my own research. I hate the fact that my doing something that’s genuinely not extreme is attacked as being extreme because it’s….not extreme in her preferred way. And mostly I hate how inflexible and rigid she is, that she can’t see that different people do better on different diets, or that the same person might need a different diet when they are trying to get pregnant than when they’re elderly. And all of this is making me just not want to talk to my mom anymore. It’s so hard to just be my own person around her. Help? My better self does want to find a way to have a good relationship with her.
Anonymous
Stop talking to your mom about food. Decline the conversation when she brings it up.
rosie
I think you know that you need to make this an off-limits topic with her. If she brings up diet, say that you are doing something that works for you and she does something that works for her, and change the subject. It’s ok that you asked her for help and now you want to walk that back.
And consider seeing a reproductive endocrinologist if you are having fertility issues. Maybe diet can help some people, but if you have been trying a year (or 6 months if over 35), I really suggest seeing a specialist in conjunction with any lifestyle changes you decide to pursue. And FWIW a fertility acupuncturist may be able to help you as well, including with diet stuff (again, in conjunction with seeing an RE).
These are both really sensitive topics. When I was struggling TTC, I started eating higher fat dairy rather than nonfat at my acupuncturist’s suggestion. I mentioned this to my mom and she was super skeptical (she is actually a dietician although no specific fertility training or experience), so from then on I just stopped talking to her about it because I knew I was going to do what I was going to do.
Daughter
Ugh. My mom is a dietician who is not especially current on recent research. She has opinions about everything, but she doesn’t always know what she’s talking about. Also, she doesn’t trust me when I say I don’t feel well eating certain things. Dairy products absolutely give me migraines, but she “knows” that dairy is wonderful for everyone to consume.
Anon
Don’t talk to your mom about food. You can’t force her to be supportive and have a productive conversation and she’s made it clear she’s not going to do that on her own. If she brings it up, decline to discuss it and change the subject.
I get that it sucks–my mom is on the fake gluten “allergy”, no soy, avoid peppermint to cure strep train and it’s annoying and incessant. Engaging with her makes things blow up, as does addressing the fact that we don’t want to talk about this week’s magical food cure. Being boring and disinterested and changing the subject seems to be the best option.
Anon
I can relate to this. I have two approaches: 1. you REALLY do your research and basically write a paper supporting whatever view you believe to be correct, which eventually crosses Mom’s knowledge barrier and she throws in the towel, and 2. Say yes, I’m glad that works for you, but I’m also trying to be a happy person which means these other things x, y, z for me. You already have these things / don’t consider these important / are a superwoman who can do everything simultaneously but I’m not. Usually one of these works. Basically I try to treat her like a person in conversation rather than Mom with authority over me.
Anonymous
Don’t talk to her about food ever again. “Mom, I don’t want to talk about food with you.” “Mom, I asked for no food talk.” “Mom, I’m going to have to go.” “Bye mom.”
Senior Attorney
Yep do this.
Blueberries
I want to add that I find it really hard not to talk to certain people I love about particular topics, but it’s 100% necessary. Stop talking to your mom about food. I’m much happier when I stick with keeping away from particular topics with certain loved ones.
Anon
Whatever food issues you have with your mom now, they will practically mate with Godzilla when you are pregnant. Most pregnant women get some combination of nausea, food aversions, or cravings; your body needs an extra 300 calories a day during your second trimester and an extra 500 calories a day during your third trimester; during that third trimester, your stomach can hold approximately one peanut before you are full and/or get acid reflux; and pregnancy can do really weird things to your blood sugar. (Mine is constantly really low.)
Establish those boundaries NOW, because they will be awful to establish once you are pregnant and very much need them firmly established for your physical and mental health.
I’m a vegetarian, and have routinely woken up out of hunger at 3 am and gone to drink a protein shake so that I can get some sleep (and figuring that if my body is waking up due to hunger, it probably needs to be fed). Your mom really needs to back it off.
Anonymous
I’m sorry this happened. The advice here is great but I wanted to chime in with a perspective that helps me. Some people have “light switch” topics. As soon as the topic comes up, it’s like a switch is flipped – their brain turns off but their mouth keeps running. They insist that outdated, debunked materials are right. They refuse to listen to common sense or reason. They cannot accept any input at all – it doesn’t matter if your feelings are hurt or you’re begging them to stop, they will not stop until they wear themselves out. It’s almost animalistic. Have you ever tried to take food away from an otherwise loving dog? Or your cuddly kitty sees another cat outside and flips out? They become almost feral; no amount of cooing or soothing talk is going to help. Then once the threat has passed they calm down and act like nothing happened.
It sounds like food is a “light switch” or “feral” topic for your mom. I think looking at it this way can help lessen the hurt you feel about this – “her desire to be “right” is more important to her than if I get to have a baby.”
The Original ...
I’ve been watching Hoarders lately and am naturally a minimalist, so maybe it’s that, but why do we get so focused on stuff?!
I feel like we often recommend gifts of consumables as a last resort gift option. Why don’t we think of this first when it comes to people who do not ask for a specific item? I have a friend who had to clean out his parents’ home after they died and it was horrible for him to realize that 5% of the items were keepsakes to loved ones, about 5% were worth something to sell, and the rest was useless. The family ended up feeling awful for discarding 90% of loved ones’ things, but there was no need or use for them so they just went. The family paid for a dumpster rental plus cleaning services on top of the funeral costs and preparing the home for sale. It just struck me as so expensive to buy items, to pay for space to have items, and then to have the family pay to remove items.
In the midst of the consumerism of the holiday and how many are stressed about what to buy or affording to buy things, I just wonder why we have and want and give so many things! What if we defaulted to consumables and a handwritten note of gratitude for all gifts all year, unless the person asked for something specific?
Anon
A lot of us do think of consumables first. And fwiw, I consider myself pretty minimalist and don’t receive or exchange holiday gifts with many people but I’m sure my loved ones will discard 90% or more of my belongings when I die. I mean, we all need clothing, cookware, furniture etc, and I don’t think most people would expect that to be kept by their descendants. I’m not sure cleaning out someone’s home and not wanting to keep much has anything to do with the excess consumption around the holidays (my feeling is that most holiday gifts are so unimportant they get discarded long before death).
Anonymous
Exactly. We got rid of nearly all of my mom’s clothes. Doesn’t mean the poor woman didn’t deserve to have nice clothes she liked while she was alive.
Triangle Pose
Yes, OP you are conflating two separately issues. I think most of us are not needlessly “focused on stuff,” there’s a lot of stuff you need to have to do day-to-day things to live!
Anon
Just on the handwritten note, and this is really not about your post, but a physical note is more “stuff” obviously.
The way we communicate has changed, and people need to be less hung up about how they are thanked. Did the person thank you? If yes, then don’t get so bent out of shape that it might have been by email or text or a phone call.
The Original ...
Total agreement. I was thinking in terms of people liking to hand someone something, that an envelope with a letter or card is something a person can open, plus it’s inexpensive to give and it takes up a very small amount of space. Plus, sometimes family members enjoy reading how beloved their loved one was, so it may not become trash later.
I know that people need clothing and household goods, I’m just thinking about people with 10 sets of bedding in a 1 bdrm home or people unsure what to gift so they give something that will become yet another thing in the closet that just sits. I was thinking about how many of us pay more to store stuff we never use (via storage spaces or extra closets or whatnot). I was thinking about how many of us only declutter when we move (which can mean decades between declutters). I was thinking about how many of us struggle to afford to buy gifts when that gift ends up in a closet anyway and what a waste that is for everyone.
Anonymous
What if we are all different and some of us like our stuff and are sick and tired of this faux concern sanctimony? What if some of us came to this country with nothing and like acquiring nice things? What if we enjoy pulling out the fancy decanter and remembering the friend who gave it? What if we actually know our own loved ones and their preferences? What if we can more readily give our Auntie a book than an experience gift? What if minimalism isn’t morally superior?
Anon
+1 minimalism isn’t for everyone and isn’t always good for society/the environment. It absolutely can be, but so can holding on to family heirlooms, reusing items you own instead of throwing them away, etc.
Senior Attorney
Heh yeah. When you get into your seventh decade, you just end up with a lot of stuff that accumulates over the years even if you’re not particularly acquisitive. We have a house full of things we love and enjoy, even though some of them are only used rarely. And I know for a fact that nobody is going to want much, if any, of it when we are gone. And excuse me but I don’t really see how that’s a crime.
Anon
I took the OP’s meaning differently.
At this point in life (late 30s), I really love having nice things, but have a carefully curated home. This is not a judgement on other people, but I find that there are the “one nice thing” people and the “oh I need this too” people.
I love my Waterford decanter that was given to me by my MOH. I see no reason to have more decanters. My husband and I have a bourbon barrel head serving tray that we painted for our anniversary; we don’t need nor want other 5 other serving trays. We have two beautiful vases of different shape and style; we don’t need nor want any more.
But there are people who think that we need more serving trays, more teapots, more cocktail shakers, more vases, more whatever, because they serve a slightly different function or look a little bit different or fill someone’s emotional need for STUFF.
Totally agree
Amen!
BT
I imagine that 90% include things like furniture that the remaining family had no use for (since they already had what they needed) or items that meant something important to the deceased (books, hobbies, mementos) where the interest wasn’t shared by the kids, and wasn’t going to be worth a lot of money to sell. That doesn’t mean that 90% was wasteful consumerism, and that it won’t get used by someone.
People like stuff! It triggers memories for them, or makes them happy to see it hanging on their wall. Sometimes having stuff gives people a sense of control over their lives (even if it’s an illusion). Sometimes people keep things out of fear of letting it go (also a kind of control).
Consumables can also be tricky – what if the recipient doesn’t like alcohol, has a bunch of food allergies, is really picky about source of their consumables?
Anonymous
I was imagining a tiny house filled with “but I will regift this” fruitcakes, because hoarders always seem to rationalize about this.
anon
This reminds me of my FIL (a hoarder), who saved a side of smoked salmon in his freezer for years! He claimed he was saving it for a “special occasion.” In the time he’d had it, which was at least 9 years, he had gotten divorced, gotten remarried, had 2 kids graduate from high school, and had numerous other reasons to celebrate. One year, while my now-husband and I were visiting from college, DH flipped out that he’d basically grown up with this salmon in the freezer and threw it away.
Ellen
I think this is gross. An old smelley piece of fish? PTOOEY! I am now of the mind-set that I do NOT need nor want any more STUFF. I want a husband who will take care of me and my children; no more and no less. I do NOT even want more clotheing except for my work clotheing, which is deductable. I have decided NOT to accept any gifts from my family b/c I can get what I want w/o having them get things for me.
Anon
I think 90% of my stuff would be given away if I died tomorrow, despite the fact that I’m a minimalist and use that stuff.
But on the gift note, I kind of agree. I only exchange gifts with immediate family (parents, sibling) and we provide each other gift ideas. I can’t image having to deal with a bunch of crap every year that I just don’t care about, and like the fact that my family only buys me things I’ve asked for. I find this easy, since I just keep a list year round as ideas come to me. I have also chosen to not participate in any of the secret Santa/white elephant exchanges I’ve been invited to because of my hatred of random crap.
Anon
Not exactly Christmas-related, but I think you need to have conversations with family about what stuff is actually going to get handed down. My aunt has a house full of antiques that will be on their way to me, but she knows I don’t want everything and has pared down over the years accordingly. We talk about which items have been in our family the longest or have the coolest stories or serve the most use today and which ones are not likely to go the distance. I’d rather have those conversations now than be faced with cleaning out her house and not even knowing what to do with everything.
As for gifts, my family is gradually transitioning to no gifts and I’m all for it. We get our share of the holiday spirit with decorating, travel, cookies, etc.
Anon
As someone recovering from an overabundance of stuff and pushing towards a minimalist lifestyle I think it’s a lot of factors. On a societal level, we are constantly bombarded with advertisements and “buy this, upgrade that”. A normal person will become susceptible to that after a while. On a personal level, lots of us shop out of boredom or to get a small amount of happiness in otherwise dreary lives. When I was untreated for depression/anxiety, I’d buy things just to get something in the mail that made me temporarily happy. After a while things accummulate. Also, many of us don’t know when to throw things out, or consider it “wasted money” to do so (even though it was wasted as soon as bought) and things start accumulating.
Housecounsel
I had to purge my house this fall for a massive flooring project. The amount of useless crap my children had accumulated was just ridiculous. I recommend this exercise as a way to really make you think twice about accumulating any more stuff. Same thing happened when we redid our kitchen a few years back. I love kitchen gadgets but have stopped buying them for myself as a recreational activity.
Anonymous
+1 to purging. After a big KonMari-style purge, whenever you consider buying an item you will find yourself imagining how you will use it, where you will keep it, and whether you will just end up getting rid of it in short order. At least that’s what happened to me. This ends up preventing a lot of purchases.
UHU
I’ve watched a few episodes of those shows and at the root of the hording is some sort of emotional trauma. Always. Not sure about other cultures, but that shopping therapy that’s so espoused in American culture is a strong part of this emotional coping mechanism. There are other explanations to our human obsession with stuff, including that it signals to other people what kind of person we are. For example, red bottom shoes v another brand; conspicuous consumption. It’s quite fascinating and many social scientists research this subject. See Daniel Miller as a start.
Anon
Yep, I really try to give useful items or consumables.
My mom loves china and silver and all that fancy entertaining stuff, and we were talking about her downsizing, and she was bemoaning that I don’t want more of her stuff. I replied, “Mom, no one who’s not a professional caterer needs as much stuff as you have. I have an entire armoire and an entire sideboard filled with china and crystal and silver. I’ve gotten it from you, from Grandma, from Aunt Jean… I entertain more than anyone you know and I actually use everything in those two pieces of furniture. (Two whole pieces of furniture!) How much more stuff do you think one person needs?!”
The Greatest Generation, who grew up during the Depression, drilled the idea of the need for Stuff into the heads of Baby Boomers, who grew up during the incredible manufacturing growth of the 20th century, and now we’re here saying, “Hey! Take a breather! There were ninety gabillion of you guys and there aren’t that many of us and, oh yeah, y’all killed the planet, so let’s all just chill with the Stuff” and they’re having a bit of a hard time with that concept.
anon
Good point. My grandparents, who grew up in the Depression, bought little and managed to use/save everything. Their kitchen trash can was about 18 inches high, and they generated one bag of trash every couple of days. The stuff they had was important to them, but they were also extremely thrifty and didn’t buy stuff they didn’t need. They lived in a 4-room, 900-sq-ft house most of their life together, and it wasn’t overflowing with stuff the way my parents’ and my in-laws’ much larger houses are.
Anon
I’ve had the same experience. When cleaning out my grandparents house, it really hit me how they would buy an item once and then use it forever. Their bedroom set was the one they purchased right after they got married in the 40s and they used it for almost 80 years. Their couch was from the 80d and still in good condition. I could go on and on. It’s really made me focus on buying the exact right item once and working to make it last.
Anon
Yes this. So much of the Stuff in my house is brought in by my parents and inlaws. They’re giving us china (3 sets!!!), knick-knacks, holiday versions of items, and positively drowning my children in clothes toys and books. Their houses are overflowing with stuff and now they’re trying to overflow ours as well.
It’s hard even for me and my husband to push back on this. When they say things like “you’re the only one who will take Great Aunt’s large serving bowl, she brought this over from the Old Country and saved it from the war” and you know it’s a lovely piece and sentimental but you’ll never ever use it, it’s still hard to donate it or give it away. The Greatest Generation and the Boomers are so tied to Stuff that they see it as a personal offense if you say no or ask for less of it.
Anonymous
Just take it and tuck it away. We have stuff like this that my siblings and I have been trading back and forth for years, or sending off with kids setting up their first places. As I result I didn’t have to buy a table cloth for 20 years!
No Problem
Ugh, I agree on this. My parents have been slowly purging their house since retirement a few years ago, but they still both have collections of things. Some are valuable things that are not on display, others are moderately valuable (or at least could be sold for some money) that are on display. I made some comment recently about not having any interest in their collections and I think they took it a bit too personally. Like, it’s not about you or even whether the stuff is valuable or pretty to look at, it’s about me having zero interest in having more stuff and finding a place for said stuff, especially while living in an urban apartment with limited storage. It’s possible my brother would want part of one of the collections when they pass, but honestly the rest of it is going straight to an auction house or eBay.
I’ve never been a collector type. Like, sure, I probably wanted more than the 6 or 7 Barbies I had as a kid, but would have had no use for more than 10 or 12. So I just don’t understand the mentality. I want an adequate amount of useful things plus a few fun things to keep life interesting (art for my walls, a couple purses to change out every so often, 3-4 eyeshadow palettes instead of 1, probably too much costume jewelry but I do wear most of it). I don’t even want an Instant Pot, despite all the hype! I already have a slow cooker and manage to cook everything else just fine with the stove or oven or microwave. I don’t need another giant appliance taking up space even if it’s useful.
Anon
You’re so right about the expense. It hit home once during a move – I just wished I had never bought a lot of that stuff, or had it bought for me, and now I was spending all that time and money packing it, moving it, and finding a new place to put it.
Anon
Hoarding and healthy people buying too much stuff are totally different problems. It’s the difference between alcoholism and college students at a kegger. There may be some overlap, but one is devastating to the individual and their loved ones and is hard to fix without major introspection and help.
As someone who has a loved one whose life was made significantly worse by hoarding, I’d rather we discuss these two issues separately.
I do support buying less stuff, though.
Worry About Yourself
I think practical gifts that you know someone will get good use out of are fine, but I do agree that knicknacks that will just sit on a shelf for a long time, end up in a box, and never thrown out because it was a gift and the receiver feels obligated to keep it, are probably not the best gifts. Consumables are great! Wine, nice liquor or mixers if the person drinks, nice chocolate or spice mixes if they don’t drink, or do but really like cooking.
Anon
I get that you’re not actually talking about hoarders, but trust me, as the daughter of an actual hoarder, it is NOT as easy as saying “why don’t you just buy less stuff”. Especially since most of the stuff my dad seems to accumulate isn’t even purchased! Anyway, hoarding is a completely different issue than consumerism, so yeah, I agree with the poster above that they shouldn’t be talked about together.
Small Law Partner
I never thought of myself as a minimalist, but I guess I am. I just don’t like having much stuff. And I would much rather say, have five nice silk work blouses (and no others) and 25 so so work blouses.
My parents take the opposite approach and try to push it on us. Their house is overflowing with stuff, the vast majority of which is worthless. I’ll be stuck cleaning it out, and feeling bad junking their stuff.
My mom likes to zero in on one thing at a time, and harangue me about it to try to get me to buy more stuff. And when I don’t go buy more stuff, she goes out and buys it for me, but it is nothing I want. I end up donating almost everything she buys. The latest example was she was HORRIFIED to discover my husband and I have 4 bath towels and 4 hand towels (2 each of one color, 2 each of another) and insisted that a “proper woman” have a complete set of towels whatever than means. I was like, nah we’re good – we just can use one set at a time, we do laundry enough this is not a problem, we bought higher end ones so they will last a long time, and oh we don’t use washclothes. And then a giant set (8 each of bath towel, wash cloth, hand towel) of cheap monogrammed towels arrive in the mail.
Not a fan
I hate modal. It is fairly delicate for wash/dry so it doesn’t last long, it’s not very environmentally friendly and it just looks cheap (made worse because it doesn’t survive machine washing well).
Anon
+1. I don’t understand paying $50 for what will become a bad kitchen rag in a month. And it usually pills before even being washed. And it highlights every tiny bump.
Blueberries
I’ve had good luck with modal from Amour Vert. Machine wash cold, line dry. Still looking good a year or two later.
Worry About Yourself
I have modal sheets, and I do like them but I will admit they need to be babied – cold water, gentle cycle, and low heat in the dryer. But I agree that for clothing I’d wear to work, it’s not my ideal fabric.
La Canadienne
The soles of my beloved La Canadienne boots are coming apart after 6 years. It appears I’ve worn the soles back and front to the ground, but the top looks fine.
Can I just take them to the cobbler and have them with Vibram nonslip soles like I do for all my leather work pumps, or do I need to ask for something more nonslip and weather resistent? Any recommendations? TIA!
Anon
Resoling is an extremely common task for cobblers. Unless you’ve worn through the non-sole bottom part of the shoe, they should be able to help you.
Go for it
Love mine too! It is worth a try if they still feel like they have life inside them. Regardless, 6 years is a fantastic amount of wear.
TrixieRuby
yes–cobblers can work wonders on shoes and boots. Take them to the best cobbler you can find in your area, and get them fixed.
TO No-Longer-Junior
Yes, you can. I have beloved La Canadienne’s that I have now resoled twice because I wear them literally every single day from October through to late April. It’s well worth it, they are hands down my favourite pair of shoes.
Anonymous
Midwest road trip question: I’m in the process of trying to visit all 50 states with my daughter (elementary school age). We’ll be flying to Kansas City this summer to visit relatives for a few days, and I’d like to add on a quick road trip to visit one or more of the surrounding states. We’ve visited them many times, so I’m looking for something beyond Kansas/Missouri. We’ll have about three or four days for the road trip. Any fun destinations within a reasonable driving distance? Looking at the map, I’m assuming somewhere in Nebraska or Iowa? My relatives rarely travel and haven’t been able to provide any suggestions.
Anon
Omaha, NE is less than 3 hours away and has a nice zoo. If you go to Omaha it’s easy to technically be in Iowa (it’s on the boarder) but I don’t know if you count that. If you have four days, you might be able to do both Omaha and Des Moines, IA should be about 8 hours of driving total.
Em
+1 definitely the zoo in Omaha, and it has a great splash pad as well. The Durham Museum and Mahoney State Park may also be interesting to an elementary-aged kid. You can be in Iowa in 5 minutes from the Omaha zoo, but honestly there isn’t a whole lot to do there without driving an extra couple hours to Des Moines.
Edna Mazur
There is actually a pedestrian bridge in Omaha that crosses the boarder, so you can be on the bridge with one foot in Nebraska and the other in Iowa. I think there is a little splash pad at the base of the bridge.
pugsnbourbon
Have you already done Arkansas? 3-4 hours puts you in the Ozarks.
It’s 5 hours to Sioux Falls, which would let you cross off one of the Dakotas, but I don’t know that there’s a ton to really do there.
It’s also 5 hours to OKC, which has a great science center.
Mpls
You could go see the waterfalls in Sioux Falls (from which it gets its name) – pretty pink granite boulders that you can walk out on in some cases. But if you really want to see South Dakota – the Black Hills and Badlands National park are going to be more emblematic. Sioux Falls is so far to the eastern border its mostly just Minnesota.
Team Dakota!
Sioux Falls is great! Love the zoo and the original fort (a park you can visit). And you can see the falls of the Sioux River. It is also a short drive to Iowa, so you can cross that off of your list, too. Lake Okoboji Iowa is very nice (deep glacial lake with some resorts and a little amusement park called Arnolds Park). You can see fields of corn on the drive!
Upper Midwest
I suggest driving north to Omaha and visiting the zoo, which is ah-mazing. You will need *all day* at the zoo. Maybe even two—it’s that good! (Nebraska–check!) Then head north to the Dorothy Pecaut Nature Center (near Sioux City) to hike around and visit the forest playground. Visit Palmer’s candy store. (Iowa–check!) From there, go to Sioux Falls, which has a *lovely* downtown. Stay overnight—visit the toy store, the Washington Pavilion (Science Center/Performing Arts Center), and Parlour (fancy ice cream!!), all located downtown. If you have time, head to Brookings (1 hr. drive) for the excellent Children’s Museum. (South Dakota–check!) From Sioux Falls, you can hop over to Luverne, MN, which often has community events happening. (Minnesota–check!)
pugsnbourbon
I am happy to hear that there is quite a lot to do in Sioux Falls!
Anon
I went there for a long weekend and thought it was really lovely.
Walnut
I’m late to this party, but cosign needing a solid day at the Omaha Zoo. It’s absolutely fantastic and gets better every year. The community heavily invests in it. Depending on when you go in the summer, you might be able to catch a College World Series baseball game or maybe one of the conference tournaments leading into it. It’s a super fun experience.
Another noteworthy event is the Olympic Swim Trials depending on the year. They install a pool in the arena and do a nice job celebrating the athletes. The morning qualifying sessions are fun as well with everyone’s family and club cheering loudly every race for their swimmer’s chance to make it to the finals.
If you end up in Omaha and need restaurant recommendations, definitely ask. There is an amazing farm to table scene and a style of food not found in a lot of other places. (Des Moines, also, I hear.)
Anon
Tulsa isn’t far and has an amazing free park called The Gathering Place.
Anon
Iowa State Fair is always something and a pretty easy drive from Kansas City if I remember correctly. Arkansas has many beautiful areas (not close to MO, if I also remember correctly).
Anon
The Iowa State Fair is only ten days long though. It may be hard for them to plan the trip around those dates, especially if her kid’s school is back in session relatively early (looks like it starts on August 12 in 2020 and many public schools are in session by then). Also, as an Iowa native, I think August is a pretty unpleasant time to visit Iowa and surrounding regions unless you plan to spend all your time at a lake, since it’s very hot and humid. The State Fair is one day of entertainment at most, and isn’t worth the downsides of visiting in August IMO. June and even July are likely to be more pleasant weather-wise.
Senior Attorney
I have nothing to contribute except that I think this is a wonderful mother/daughter project!
Anonymous
Thanks everyone! These are wonderful suggestions! We are in Kansas City almost every year, so I think we’ll be able to try out several of the options in the coming years.
Anonymous
Des Moines, Iowa is fun for a shorter trip and only 3-ish hours from KC.
Anon
Visit Laura Ingalls Wilder house! I’ve always wanted to go.
IA woman
If you go to Omaha, cross the river and check out the Loess Hills in Iowa! The state forest visitor center is interesting, and there are some great hikes!
Bath/kitchen remodel love-hate items
We are redoing our kitchen (adding an island and improving flow; formerly had flow-blocking peninsula and mice) and bathroom (bad 80s remodel where floor tiles kept popping up and toilet leaked into room below it due to stacking of wax seals — ew).
If you did either, what are regrettable choices / things you hate and things that were 100% worth it.
Everything I do the first time, I make mistakes on, and these are ones where budget-wise, there are not going to be do-overs. I think I want as much white neutrality as I can (OTOH: white in kitchen = will always look dirty?). Honestly, will just be happy with no mice and no leaking toilet (where my knees touch the wall b/c Old House).
I think that this is not really a style question, but a “don’t spend $ on a warming drawer” or “hot and cold taps on a faucet are nice on Insta but a nuisance IRL” type of a survey.
anon a mouse
I’m starting to plan for a kitchen remodel and I really want a touchless faucet and a cabinet with vertical dividers for cookie pans/large cutting boards. A friend got those deep Ikea drawers with the tiered drawer inserts and they work really well.
Whatever else you choose, add copious outlets along the countertops and at both ends of the island. And make sure you have great lighting.
Senior Attorney
We have the vertical cookie sheet storage and it’s great. +1 for sure! Also pullouts for everything. And ALL THE LIGHTING.
Anon
Touchless faucets are ridiculously great and absolutely worth the money. We put one in in our new house and OMG it’s great.
Senior Attorney
DO spend the money on the warming drawer! We have one and use it every single day. If you bake you can also use it for proofing dough.
Also if you like to entertain, think about getting two dishwashers. We did a thing last year where we had a dinner party pretty much every Sunday night, and by the end I was wishing I’d gotten a second dishwasher before we started.
Also, white tile is great but white grout is awful. Do gray so it won’t show the dirt. For your bathroom vanity, I am enraged every morning when the cord of my hairdryer gets caught on the fancy designer drawer pulls, so try to get hardware that won’t do that.
anon
I’m so glad that we got the biggest, deepest sink we could manage in our relatively small kitchen. It makes life so much easier.
emeralds
We’re mostly through a minor kitchen remodel (just the backsplash and floor to go!), and getting a really awesome sink and faucet has been HUGE.
anon kitchen weirdo
Bath – hate pedestal sinks. Hate sinks where the faucets don’t spit the water into the right part of the bowl.
Love – a linen storage closet right in the bathroom/good storage. Love two sinks if possible if it’s a master bath. Love a toilet paper holder that can hold “mega” rolls so you don’t have to buy one million smaller rolls. Love the door to be able to close over any kind of bath mat/hate if that’s an issue. Love a built-in shampoo bottle storage nook, and if room, a bench for sitting on when you shave. Love mirrors that are anti-fog.
Kitchen – cannot emphasize enough that the grout issue is a real thing. Have a high enough backsplash. Love built-in dish soap dispenser thingy and “swing-out drawer” to keep kitchen scrubbers in, in front of the sink. If you do granite or similar, talk with the people at the store to ask what the trends are/have been. Pick as neutral a cabinets as possible, and make sure you get ones that will withstand wear in common places (trash drawer, silverware drawer). Consider putting in a built in cutting board that has a drop chute to your trash can if you like to cook and want to “sweep” veg peelings and the like right into the trash (if your area doesn’t have composting). Love breakfast nooks or stools for little kids. Recommend you check out Sunset magazine as they do a few really lovely kitchen remodels and feature kitchens that have lovely details.
anon
Yeah, it’s easy to have faucets that are too short and make handwashing tedious.
I have to admit that I’m no fan of the trendy giant showerheads.
trefoil
Just moved into a house that’s been reno-ed in the last decade.
Hate: Basin sinks with tall farmhouse style faucets, cupboard doors that swing counter-intuitively (the narrow vertical cabinet for cookie sheets opens away from the stove, not toward it), terracotta style tile that looks dirty no matter how much you wash it. If putting in deep wide drawers, consider if that will affect whether two people can work in the kitchen – we can’t have one person chopping and another unloading the dishwasher because the drawer takes up the width of the prep space.
Love: deep double sink, great exhaust fan, appropriate amounts of lighting, many outlets, including one with a USB that we use as a charging station, pull out drawers in deep cupboards and for trash with separate compost bin.
emeralds
Ooh yeah, a really good exhaust fan that vents to outside is a great one. Don’t have it in my kitchen, but my mom did a large-scale remodel last summer and that’s her favorite thing that she put it.
Anonymous
Do not recommend anything with grout on the floor. Our previous kitchen had off-white tile flooring with white grout and it was impoooooossible to keep looking nice. Impossible to keep the grout clean. Would recommend wood or similar flooring or a solid vinyl sheet (what our new house has, which is fine).
nona
Don’t do wood floors in either – both the kitchen and the bathroom are more likely to have water on the floor and that is hard on wood floors (of any kind). Larger tiles with a darker grout or vinyl planks that look like wood are alternatives.
ToS
We did ceramic tile for our kitchen floor in a natural stone coloring (think grey with warm browns and got matching gray-brown grout. I think about how clean my floor is a lot LESS now that it doesn’t show every scuff like the off-white that we replaced!
If you go for ceramic tile flooring, which is a harder surface than what we replaced, a couple things will break when they hit the floor. It’s still worth it.
We have a pad to stand (like what most salons have for stylists at their chairs) on that matches/complements the kitchen colors. We got an unfinished $20 Ikea wooden step-stool that we stained to match the cabinets (before it was assembled) so when it’s in use or left out (my mom is shorter than us), it “belongs”.
Acoustics change if you have a lot of hard surfaces, so balance with upholstery, window dressing, rugs, etc.
Impeachment!
So sad John Oliver is off the air til February, would love to see his glee about this.
(Personally, I would love it if he took pence down with him, thus it being his and their fault for bringing in the first woman president, but that’s just me haha)
Truly though, it’s just nice to feel like a horribly behaved whiny rich white man is finally getting a little bit of repercussion for his horrific actions. It’s been feeling like this is just a huge example of society’s problem in general so this is giving me some hope for the rest of the misbehaving morons.
Anon
Not really though…impeachment is embarrassing but it’s not like he’s going to be removed from office.
Exec coaching for professional services?
Any recs for an executive coach that specializes in professional services?
Even better if it’s a firm/platform that could eventually be deployed across ~20 senior managers/junior partners (consulting firm)… who have gotten where they are by being good at executing projects & developing business, and learned (“learned” ;)) how to manage mostly through osmosis.
My spouse has gained a ton with a coach through the BetterUp platform, but for help with very different demands and dynamics than what I/colleagues struggle with.
BB
I used Hancock Leadership in the Boston area. The coach I had specialized in coaching current/ex consultants, but I was reasonably junior at the time. Not sure how effective she would be for more senior leadership.
Chicago In House Lawyer
I am a lawyer and am currently studying to be a certified life coach through The Life Coach School. I’ve been practicing law for over 25 years (BigLaw, then in-house). I will be certified in March, and I will be coaching women lawyers and professionals on a part time basis. Love my niche, love my people! If I can do anything to help, please feel free to reach out. I am connected to a vast network of coaches!
Do I have too many clothes?
How much clothing/shoes do you think is reasonable for one woman to have? I have a decent sized (but not walk-in size) closet and 2 drawer chests worth of clothes and an entire shoe and jewelry collection of top of that. My workout clothes, pjs, undergarments, and other odds and ends are in a separate shelving unit. I am preparing to move in with my fiance, who has a fraction of the clothing I do, and I am starting to feel embarrassed about just how much clothing, shoes, and jewelry I have. In my adult life, I’ve not had to share closet space because I’ve lived alone and have simply taken over all available space. That won’t be the case in our new home, and I can just tell that everything is not going to fit.
I’ve identified 3 main reasons for the size of my wardrobe: 1) my style is all over the place, so I have many pieces that I only wear 1-2 ways. They don’t get worn too often as a result, but I love how I look when I do wear them so have not gotten rid of them. 2) My weight fluctuates constantly within the same 15 lb range so in a way I have two wardrobes, one for each end of the range. 3) I have a large family and am from a culture where clothes are a major part of celebrations like weddings (think a plethora of sarees because you can’t wear the same one to all the family weddings because everyone will notice and look down on you). Those outfits are elaborate and require more storage space.
My question for the hive: what do I do? Do I simply chalk this up to weight fluctuations and a sincere enjoyment of fashion? Do I do a huge downsizing and get rid of many pieces that I don’t wear often but do love when I have a chance to wear them? Do I get a storage unit just for clothes? My fiance does not judge me for enjoying pretty clothes, but I am worried he might when he sees just how many I have. I’m really starting to freak out about this because we move in together 5 weeks and I have no idea what to do.
Anonymous
You downsize. Come on. No you don’t get A storage unit. It’s not about whether you have too many clothes or you should feel guilty- you shouldn’t! But there is simply not enough room so you will need to make changes.
Anon
I think you should focus on getting rid of clothes you rarely wear, getting rid of celebration clothing that you know for a fact you won’t wear again, and doing a real evaluation on what you can have in the new space you’re living in. I don’t see an issue with having lots of clothes if that is a form of self expression that brings you joy, but it is a waste of money and space for items to take up space that aren’t used.
On the weight fluctuation point, keep a few items for the end of the weight range you stay in less frequently and chuck the rest. If you fluctuate 15 lbs monthly, you need to go to a doctor. Usually if you fluctuate weight, it will float around a certain weight up and down.
Anon
All the women in my family have three wardrobes: skinny, medium, and Christmas cookies (I joke, but you get the drift). We keep the pieces we truly love that won’t go out of style (merino turtlenecks for the office, favorite shirts, bras (so important!)), but trendy pieces go. Whatever is our current size stays in the closet, whatever we don’t fit into goes in tubs in the garage/attic/spare room. It also helps you get ready in the morning.
Anonymous
Don’t compare yourself to your male SO. A man can wear the same suit to work or the company holiday party or a fancy dinner or a wedding. That would be multiple different outfits for a woman. Of course you have more stuff. And it sounds like he is familiar with this concept, which is good! (And a total aside, but this has become one of my litmus tests for men – if he thinks 50/50 is the only “fair” way to share a closet even though he has 2 blazers and 3 shirts to hang, then we’re not moving in together. Or, like, staying together.).
I recommend putting occasion wear and maybe seasonal attire somewhere other than the bedroom closet; do you have a closet in a second bedroom or a hall closet that doesn’t have much in it or a basement where you can set up a covered rack?
Anon
+1 men’s clothing is generally more versatile and repeatable and their clothing trends tend to be more subtle. Only compare your wardrobe to his as a stretch goal for an ultra versatile minimalist capsule wardrobe.
If you have a lot of hobby or event clothes, storing elsewhere is a great idea. This can also work for alternate sizes, especially if there’s a guest room or dresser somewhere else you can keep that stuff so it’s accessible but out of the way.
Senior Attorney
I have a whole room dedicated to my wardrobe and I make no apologies. It’s my hobby, just like the woodworking stuff and the antique car that fill the garage are my husband’s hobbies.
That said, I don’t think you can reasonably expect to have more clothing than you can fit on-site. I can’t imagine that you would actually wear clothes worn off-site so you should pare down to only what you can fit in (any part of) the new digs.
Anon
The “right” size of wardrobe depends on a lot of things, like how much your weight fluctuates, the variety of weather in your area, how many different types of clothes you need for work/life/exercise/hobbies/events, whether you prefer a capsule approach or hang on to a lot of things and rewear them, how often you do laundry, whether you intend to pass special clothes on to family, and how frequently you shop to replace items.
My method for thinning out clothes:
1. Take out clothes and photograph them in small groups to make/update an inventory in case of fire or theft (the inventory isn’t strictly necessary, but it helps to pace things out and could come in handy. It also offers an incentive for getting rid of something since it’s faster to toss it in the donate box than to photograph).
2. Consider each item of clothing, how much I wear it, whether I like it, whether it needs repairs or replacing
3. Put items to donate in a box
4. Set aside items to repair or get tailored
5. For items I’m not sure about, either box them up (to see if I miss them and donate if not) or hang them up with the hangers backwards (to see if I wear them and donate if not)
6. Sort clothes I’m keeping into categories (often downgrading worn or out of style clothes for around the house and tossing the previous lowest-level clothing) and hang/fold/put away
7. Make note if items that need replacing or gaps in wardrobe (also motivating, because I’m not going to hang on to three old dresses if I know I can purchase one nice one to replace them)
8. Offer donation clothes to sisters and nieces, donate whatever they don’t want within the week.
9. Set a calendar alert for 6-12 months out to donate anything that’s still in the maybe box or hung up backwards
anon
Do you love and wear all of your clothes? If yes, what does it matter? There probably is an opportunity to get rid of clothes you don’t love and don’t wear so take the time to go through everything and make that determination.
Anon
I basically have as much clothing as I can fit into the storage options available to me. In my case that’s a small bedroom closet, a small hallway closet (shared), a dresser, and a couple of storage boxes for out of season clothing.
I think most of us operate on the same basic principle because we don’t clean out the closets and drawers unless we run out of room.
I use most of my items so I don’t spend a lot of time feeling bad about them. I do have the pieces I rarely wear (like evening/party wear, and super formal business wear) but I keep them because I have room and I occasionally need to dress that way.
Anon
I don’t think you have too much clothing. In your situation, I would try to find another closet in the new house that can be used for less frequently used clothing. For example, there is no reason that the cultural clothing needs to be in your bedroom, since I assume you are not wearing it on a weekly/monthly basis. Store that and out of season clothing somewhere else in the house. But I disagree with prior posters that it is bad to have wardrobes for different weights – if you still like the pieces, same them.
Anon
I love clothes. I have a lot of clothes. Like I have our master-bedroom walk-in closet almost completely to myself (my husband keeps his clothes in the closet next to the downstairs bathroom that he uses to get ready in the morning).
My limit in our old house was always getting to the point where I felt like I needed a storage unit or some kind of out-of-the-house storage solution for clothes. I had clothes in two closets (in-season in one, out-of-season in the other) in that house, but it wasn’t closet space anyone else needed to use. In this house, where I have a much bigger closet, my limit would be needing to keep clothes in two closets. If I can’t fit everything in my one huge closet, I have too much.
I feel you. I have a hard time getting rid of things. I also live in a four-season climate and I have a job where I sometimes need to wear jeans and sometimes need a full suit and most days dress anywhere in between. But it’s important to know how much is too much. I never hired one, but I have had friends who hired professional organizers and said it was helpful. It would be cheaper in the long run than renting storage.
Anonymous
My husband always complains that his back hurts after standing on our ceramic tile kitchen floor. For Christmas, I’d like to get him supportive slippers, either memory foam or with a substantial arch support. Any recommendations? Bonus points if they look cool in a rugged sort of way, not like something an old man would wear.
Anon
You should probably in general get an antifatigue mat for in front of the sink and stove. That will go a long way, especially if the shoes aren’t perfect.
anonchicago
Bought a support mat from Target recently and put it next to our island where I prepare food. It’s brown and we have hardwood floors so while it stands out a bit it isn’t too noticeable.
Cat
+1 – they aren’t all industrial-ugly anymore and make an ENORMOUS difference.
brokentoe
+1000000. I have Wellness brand mats in front of my sink and range and it makes all the difference. This brand makes many different colors and finishes (mine have an almost granite-looking composition) and have worn well for the 5 years I have owned them, despite having two 80 pound dogs roaring around on them in addition to shoes and heels.
Anonymous
Check out any options from Vionic. I would also suggest you buy a supportive mat for the kitchen. Frontgate carries them, but there are less expensive options elsewhere, too.
Backachy Lawyer
I like my Vionic sandals with super arch support and also have a flip flop that would pass for indoor wear. Perhaps you could check out the brand?
shananana
VIonic makes awesome slippers. I have foot issues and they are miracles.
Anon
I love my USA Dawgs slippers. They come in crazy prints, last forever, and are incredibly comfortable and supportive. I’d get the loudmouth ones so you can wear them with socks.
Anon
Merrell makes a clog that is supportive and masculine looking.
CHL
I wear the rubber birkenstocks for this. Mine are hot pink but they come in more rugged colors:)
lsw
They don’t look rugged but I am ride or die with my shearling Birkenstock clogs as house shoes.
Aelin G
+1 on the mat, but for footwear I recommend Oofos. They are ‘recovery’ shoes and sandals for runners, but I have back pain issues and I wear them almost all the time in the house and they make an enormous difference.
Housecounsel
This top would drive me nuts. And if I raised my arms above shoulder level, wouldn’t it ride way up?
Anonymous
+1
Paging shots shots shots
British election. That’s probably enough said, but a huge impact of it is that I doubt we will still have a United Kingdom at the turn of the next decade. I’ve been reluctant to support independence for Scotland (I’m a transplant from London) but… it’s looking like the least worst option to me.
(Ribena here)
Cb
I’d join you for shots if I didn’t have the nursery run in 10! I’ve been doing media all day and valiantly resisted the urge to say ‘everything is terrible – freedom for Scotland!’
Anon
Except that Johnson is on record as saying he will not allow another referendum and he has control so unless Scotland is about to erupt in (successful) armed revolt, they are not going anywhere for the foreseeable future.
Ribena
That man has never kept a promise in his life.
Anon @ 12:50
True that – but I doubt his ego wants him to be the PM who oversaw the dissolution of the UK.
Anonymous
I’m moving Monday and having a hard time packing. I feel guilty throwing away perfectly good things. Back story is I got divorced 2.5 years ago, and my ex left 90% of his stuff. He flew back to his home state with basically a few suitcases. He left most everything except his clothes. He loved kitchen gadgets and tools. I have all this stuff I don’t use or need. I tried posting on Facebook and had few takers. I made 2 trips to Savers (we don’t have Goodwill in the area, I don’t support Salvation Army for being anti-LGBTQ, and we don’t have any of those donation bins in parking lots). I can donate more there, but I’m running out of time. I feel very stressed and don’t understand where this guilty feeling is coming from. I feel like it is bad for the planet and irresponsible to get rid of perfectly good gadgets that I don’t use. But I also recognize if I haven’t used a bullet blender, Crock pot, or regular blender in almost 3 years…I’m not going to use it. Anyone felt like this before? How did you deal with it?
Anonymous
I recently cleaned out a family member’s house and I completely understand being overwhelmed, but I really encourage you to donate as much as you can! It is so, so wasteful to throw out perfectly usable appliances and gadgets and there are so many people in need. Have you tried calling a service like Junk Luggers or 1800 Got Junk? They will cost you a couple hundred bucks (maybe more based on how much stuff you have) but they make it incredibly easy to get rid of a lot of stuff. You don’t even really need to organize anything – just point them to the piles and they take it all, sort it offsite, donate what they can, and dispose of the rest.
Anon
Leave it on the curb for a couple days, it will disappear I guarantee it. People troll neighborhoods for things to sell. If they still function, the items will be resold and reused. Also try your local Buy Nothing and Freecycle groups.
Anonymous
Post it on Craig’s List for free – I bet you will get a lot of takers!
lsw
+1, this has been lifechanging for me.
Shananana
If there is a nearby domestic violence shelter contact them. There is one near me that is often helping to set up entire households for people who left bad situations and are thrilled with stuff like that. Similarly if you are in an area where there are incoming refugees the organizations that help them are usually setting up households. I find that I beat myself up for consumerism when things don’t go to a good home.
pugsnbourbon
+1 this is a great idea. Also refugee resettlement orgs need household stuff.
Anonymous
Agreed – our local YWCA routinely needs kitchen gadgets for setting up apartments or kitchens. Also, if you have a local foster care support nonprofit, they usually set up apartments for kids who age out of foster care and need things to set up a new kitchen.
Anon
Craigslist! List it in the For Sale – Free section and put down a few rules : make it clear you don’t deliver, and say you will give preference to someone who will take the whole box.
I get rid of so much stuff on craiglist free.
Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl
It really helps me to think of the item finding a new home where someone can use it.
Anon
Post on Facebook and ask if anyone knows of college students or recent grads who would like the items.
Anon
If you’re not using it, it’s better to donate it than to keep not using it or throw it away. Given the limited time, it will be simplest to just take it all to whatever thrift store takes donations (apparently Savers) and not worry beyond that. I recognize that a lot of this is your ex’s stuff, but to relate back to the thread above, going through this experience with multiple moves has been a very powerful motivator to just not buy stuff. It makes me a little bit sick how much stuff I’ve bought and then realized I just don’t really need and that’s really helped me minimize my accumulation of stuff in recent years.
Anon for this
The Salvation Army may not be as bad as you think: https://centralusa.salvationarmy.org/indiana/faq/
https://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/the-lgbtq-community-and-the-salvation-army/
They are in a theological box over the issue, like many religions including Catholicism, but on the ground they provide services to LGBTQ people and I have personally observed members working side by side with LGBTQ volunteers at Salvation Army sites. If you give your stuff to them they will put it to good use.
Anon
It’s not exactly surprising that their own website would try to paint them in a good light.
Anne
Can you join a buy nothing facebook group for your area? My understanding is people on those groups often pick stuff up very quickly. Or, do you have a neighborhood listserv when you can do a porch alert (i.e. I’ve left X, Y, Z on my porch, feel free to come by and pick it up).
Gloves
This feels like a dumb question I should know the answer to, but I definitely grew up wearing five dollar discount store gloves so I’ve made it to nearly 40 in cold climates without solving this problem. I have really long fingers and when I buy gloves, there ends up being a weird gap between where the web of the finger of the glove is and the actual base of my fingers. I hate mittens and fingerless gloves, which I recognize would be the easy solution for this problem. How does one solve for this? Are their brands that run long in the finger? Do I need to buy expensive gloves? How does one measure for gloves? Help a girl with frozen fingers out!
Go for it
Try men’s size small gloves, it has worked for me.
BT
This is my issue as well (long fingers, hard to find gloves).
Like the other poster said – try looking at men’s gloves . Just be careful because sometimes they ware just wider thru the hand and not actually longer thru the fingers.
I did find a pair of glove liners from a brand called Black Diamond – the fingers are almost too long (it’s amazing!). They’re a little more expensive, but I figure it’s worth it.
Anon
Make time to try on a bunch in a department or sporting goods store next time you’re in an area with a cold climate?
BT
As a person living in a cold climate and having long fingers…don’t get your hopes up. It tends to be the same couple families of brands. You might have luck on the men’s side, but I’ve tried those tactics and ended up only have success after searching online reviews for brands of gloves with long fingers.
Mostly I just make due with gloves where the fingers are still a bit short, but otherwise fit. You don’t really lose that much dexterity.
MJ
I have enormous hands because I am lanky and 5’11”. The solution is Eddie Bauer–they have these amazing polar fleece gloves that have flip mitten tops. They are the bees knees for dog walking (I can still separate the bag), they were warm enough when I lived in Boston, and they come in a slick black polar fleece which was appropriate for all situations. They’re the best. You can easily flip one side to use your smartphone and don’t have to deal with stupid smartphone gloves that don’t work well. I LOVE THEM.
(If anyone is struggling for a gift for a friend who is urban who walks their dog–highly recommend.)
notinstafamous
Check out the Nordic brands- the ones for the long & lanky Scandinavians. Lots of them are more on the sporty side, but something like Hestra or Craft has basic black ones that might work if you don’t need super fancy.
Anon
Would you bring a hostess gift to a potluck? The email invitation is kind of off-putting (it has all these rules about what food we must bring, and an all caps “ABSOLUTELY NO SHOES IN OUR HOUSE”, which is a problem for me because I wear an orthotic and don’t even go barefoot at home).
The email also includes a long list of what wine they have and what others have already agreed to bring and says “so that is more than enough alcohol”, so i guess bringing my usual bottle of wine is out.
I’m feeling grinchy because this is my husband’s work friend group and I’m just doing the obligatory spouse thing, as well as making my assigned salad “must feed twelve!” And I’m so put off by the rude tone of the email.
So, should I bring a gift because they’re hosting, however grudgingly, and if so, what?
Anonymous
Valium for the hostess?
Anon
I’m pretty sure you don’t need to bring a hostess gift to a potluck. Someone who has a potluck at their house isn’t “hosting” in the etiqu*tte sense. Normally I’d probably bring something anyway, but they’re being really difficult and since they’ve already excluded your go-to gift, I would just not bring anything.
Anon
I wouldn’t bring a gift to a potluck.
Anom
You’re bringing a potluck item, so probably not necessary to bring a hostess gift as well. Hostess gifts are generally when someone is hosting you, but providing a space for other people to supply food and drink is not really hosting in the traditional sense. But if you do want to bring a hostess gift, then wine is fine and you can just say it’s for her to enjoy in the future, not for the potluck.
Anon
These aren’t your friends and clearly you already don’t like them – from the email invite they’re probably super uptight. Just bring the bare minimum – the salad and yourself. These seem like the sort of people who will judge you either way, so why bother. I’d also let them know via response to the email that you need to wear shoes due to foot issues. If they’re so uptight she won’t let you in her home after that, it’s probably for the best your husband isn’t friends with them anyway.
ANon
Can you bring slippers? I do not like people wearing shoes in my home because I live in NYC and there is dog poo everywhere. I don’t want people tracking it into my house. People who have really small children (e.g., crawling age) don’t want you tracking dirt into their home because their kids will touch it. (Of course, I don’t put “no shoes” on invitations to my home, but I do expect that more than half the homes I go to are no indoor shoes homes).
Anon
They don’t have small children. They are a middle aged white couple who have decided they are Japanese. It is very weird and appropriation-y.
Anon
Taking shoes off is not unique to the Japanese, and it’s not cultural appropriation to adopt this practice, controversial though it may be. My house was “no shoes indoors” long before I had children, and I do not believe I’m Japanese.
Mpls
+1 – No shoes is not unique to Asian culture. Lots of people in the Midwest want you to take off your shoes so you don’t track in whatever is outside. Like wet snow or dirt or whatever. It’s not weird, just different.
The “rule” on the invite is to warn you to bring your slippers and wear your nice socks. And seems fine for a potluck (which is a casual meal situation), vs a cocktail party where the formal shoes are part of the outfit and would be odd to discard at the door.
Anon
The shoe thing is not the only Japanese thing they’ve appropriated. Long story, but it’s my husbands coworker and he’s always bringing home stories about it. He’s part of a larger group and I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t be friends with him one on one.
rosie
Agree it’s not appropriation — it’s pretty common for people in snowy climates to do this (and then if they move somewhere that has normal seasons or is warm, they keep the habit). I do think including it in the email is super weird (as is most of the rest of the email as you’ve described it). I think the easiest thing to do would be to bring your own slippers, if that’s not an option (because you don’t have them), email in advance to let them know you will clean your shoes off on the mat when you arrive, but for medical reasons you cannot be barefoot.
anon
stop- many cultures have a shoes off custom. including white americans. please google shoes in house bacteria
think about it this way, the same shoes you wear into a public bathroom would be worn and wiped around your floor/carpet in your bedroom or childrens room where your kids roll around on the floor.
anonymous
OP – please report back after the party to let us know how it goes. I admit I’m sort of fascinated by what else they have appropriated from Japanese culture.
Anon
Omg what taking off your shoes at home is not cultural appropriation. We’ve reached peak insanity here.
Anon
anonymous at 12:47, I know from my husband that he regularly bows at work, particularly in meetings! Apparently his 4 month work assignment in Tokyo changed him forever!
Anon
I wouldn’t say I already don’t like them. I certainly don’t like the email. I don’t know them at all.
anonymous
Wow, I was going to ask why you’re even going to this party but it sounds like a work obligation for your husband. I totally get why you’re feeling grinchy. With so many rules, I say skip the hostess gift.
Anonymous
Sounds like a very specific email. If they wanted gifts they would have specified, right? It’s your husbands work friend group, I’d leave all of the cooking/salad making and gift getting decisions to him. With the orthotic, is it really a big problem for your comfort to go a few hours without? If yes, message the host ahead of time, explain your situation, let them know you’ll switch into your house only shoes that support the orthotic. If they don’t agree, then I see that as meaning you don’t need to attend. Regarding the email, the host may be an anxious organizer, they’re trying to impress the group, it’s the first time they’ve hosted and so on.
Anon
I assume they’re warning you about the no shoes policy so that you can prepare accordingly? I doubt anyone with a no shoes policy objects to you bringing slippers or a pair of indoors shoes that you can wear with your orthotics?
Anon
Do most people in OP’s situation own “indoor shoes” though? I’m in a no-shoes home myself, so I have indoor slippers/shoes, but I assume most people who wear shoes inside don’t have a specific pair designated for indoor use, since they wear all their shoes inside. Fwiw, I do ask my guests to remove their shoes, but would make an exception for someone who needed to wear orthotics.
Anonymous
I have crocs that are so old/ugly that I only wear them at home (I have going-out crocs that are a different color and obviously newer). Much more comfy on my feet for standing while cooking. I also use them to kill roaches, but I wipe them down afterwards. I’d bring them to a no-shoe house after having some major foot issues. If they protested, I’d just shrug my shoulders and leave.
Anon
I don’t have “indoor shoes” either, because I just wear socks or go barefoot at home, but it would be easy enough to clean off a pair of shoes before the party.
Anonymous
No. They aren’t hosting. It’s a pot luck. No gift.
Anonymous
Let your husband deal with it. Bring slippers or something so you can wear your orthotic.
Anon
I don’t know what kind of orthotics OP wears, but I cannot imagine what kind of slippers could work with any orthotics I’ve ever worn. I had to buy special (spendy!) shoes.
Senior Attorney
I feel like the NO SHOES IN OUR HOUSE thing is your free pass to skip the whole thing. That’s totally what I would do in your shoes. (Heh. See what I did there?)
rosie
Yeah, really seems like this one is calling for your husband to go alone (or rather, with a SALAD FOR 12, which even if you make for him, is better than attending!).
Anonymous
Yeah, send your husband alone.
Anon
Thank you for that! My husband has also said I don’t have to go, but I would be the only wife that isn’t going. He has sucked it up for my work events so I really owe him one.
I’m definitely taking my Birkenstock slippers that are 95% indoor only. (I might wear them outside to get something out of my car once in a while). I will wipe the bottoms before we go and hopefully it will be fine.
rosie
FWIW we are a shoes off household do to my spouse’s upbringing & living in a city & having little kids, and this would be totally fine with me. Although I would never require someone with a medical need to keep their shoes on to take them off to come into my home, I would think it was super considerate of you to bring the slippers.
Anonymous
Idk, I agree it’s not awesome that it’s in all caps, but I really appreciate being warned about something like this ahead of time. I’ll never forget the time I wore pumps to a coworker’s home and was forced to take them off and expose my horribly maintained pedicure (not to mention my feet were super cold). I was embarrassed and both physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
Anon
Nobody was looking at your toes.
Anonymous
I would have been.
Seventh Sister
This is the reason I like being told about no shoes policies. I don’t really ever get a pedicure (am I even allowed to be on this site?) and my feet do get cold *but* I rarely wear socks. If I no it’s a no-shoes place, then I’ll bring socks.
Also FWIW, the most militant no-shoes people I know are also the ones with surprisingly dirty floors, and/or want me to go outside to their backyard to look at something BUT I had to leave my shoes at the front door so I’m supposed to go barefoot into their backyard?!!!
Blueberries
I host a lot of simple meals and I’m very happy not to receive a hostess gift when I’m cooking. I invite people because I want their company, not a gift. I love reciprocal invitations and even better if we establish a tradition of just bringing yourself.
If I were hosting a potluck, I would feel downright bad if you went out of your way to get me a gift.
That said, I also would never write NO SHOES IN OUR HOUSE on an invitation. In my shoe-free house, if a guest asks, I’m more of a “if you’re comfortable, we take off our shoes, but don’t feel like you have to” kind of person except for those brief periods where I had a crawling baby who put everything in their mouth.
Worry About Yourself
No need to bring a hostess gift for a potluck. I might bring wine to a dinner party, but I’ve always been under the impression that a hostess gift is only given when you’re spending the night in someone’s home.
It’s not insane to request that people not wear shoes in your home, but I would think you should be able to contact the hostess and explain your situation, she might be open to making an exception if you need to wear specific shoes. Or maybe you bow out, if the no shoes thing would be an issue and no solution can be reached.
Also, why are you making the salad when it’s your husband’s work friend group?
Anonymous
There’s a partner at my firm who is retiring at the end of the year. He’ll be of counsel or something like that thereafter. He’s been a bit of a mentor for me — not to an major degree or over a long time, but at my request, he’s taken the time over recent months to sit down and help me strategize about business development and my future at the firm, and he says he’ll be available to have more of these conversations even after he’s no longer a partner. Is it appropriate to write a thank-you/congratulations card for him? I think so, but can I get a gut check?
Anon
You can’t go wrong with a “congratulations on your retirement, thank you for mentoring me” card.
Anon
I would assume so?? I don’t see any issue here. I wouldn’t get super personal with it, but something nice wishing him a happy retirement seems like the kind of small gesture that would be appreciated.
Anonymous
OK, thanks! I think all the dire warnings about “gifting up” had scared me into doubting myself! But this is a normal card and a normal sentiment to express in a card — not a gift, duh :)
DCR
So long as he is framing this as a retirement, I think it would be nice.
If he is not framing it as a retirement and is planning to continue to work as a counsel, I would be worried that he is being pushed out of partnership either because of age or lack of work. I would not give a congratulations card in that situation, as I would worry it is not his choice and not something he is happy about.
Anonymous
I’m shopping for a new pant suit in a classic suiting color and style. I’m trying to decide between a slimmer ankle pant or fuller and longer trouser pant. What do you predict will look best in the next 5 years? I’m a lawyer in SF but travel occasionally to LA and East Coast.
Anon
Slim long trouser pant. No funkiness at the bottom of the pants, just a “this fits and is a pant” style. Navy, gray, or black color. Stay away from lapels that are too wide or too slim.
Anon
I think it comes down to what looks best on you and your proportions. If you’re a solid pear, I’d go for something with flare to balance out, if you’re an apple, I’d go for the ankle pants. I think it’s a little useless to try and predict what will look stylish in the next five years, just wear what you like.
Gas Range Q
How much gas smell is normal for a gas range? We’ve had our place for about 2 years and didnt notice any odor until a few weeks ago. This also co-incided w some issues of the flame turning on with a huge almost dangerous flame. That has gone away to just a smell now.
Anonymous
None
Ribena
My rule with gas: if unsure, call a professional out. Sorry
Anon
Um, get your local utility to look at this asap – most are 24/7. Call and get every member of your household out now until they review (the utility will tell you to do this anyway). You shouldn’t be smelling ANYTHING when your gas isn’t turned on and the smell should dissipate within a minute after turning on the range. And you definitely shouldn’t be getting a dangerously sized flame upon start up. Please get this checked out, I really don’t want to hear about your house exploding on the news.
Anon
You should have no gas smell.
The gas smell is actually an additive to warn you that gas is leaking. If you smell it, you should be calling someone ASAP. In my area, the local utility will come out and help you because it is a public safety issue.
Anon
Call your local utility company and have them come check it out. I had an issue where it smelled a little like gas in my house, and they came out and checked for gas leaks for free. It is a public safety issue and they will help. And if you are getting huge frames when you turn on your stove, I would be worried that it is leaking because I’ve had gas stoves all my life and never had that happen.
lsw
You’ve got a leak – call someone ASAP!
Blueberries
My local utility or the fire department would send someone over pretty quickly if I called with that kind of issue. Better safe than sorry with gas. I agree with getting everyone out of the house until a pro has given the all-clear.
The professionals would much rather have a call and have it turn out to be nothing than deal with the aftermath of a disaster.
Cat
You should smell absolutely nothing. Call the gas company!
Anonymous
I have a holiday party I’m attending next month, and it’s fairly formal. I have exactly one dress that I own that is an option, and it’s a bridesmaid dress…but is it way too obvious of one that I’d look ridiculous? Link to follow.
I would consider Rent the Runway, but my body is sort of hard to size with clothes online and I’m worried I won’t find anything that predictably works.
Other suggestions? Just go to Nordstroms?
Anon
The bridesmaid dress is almost certainly a no-go.
Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, Amazon, Poshmark – look for something that works for your body and budget.
pugsnbourbon
Macy’s always has nice longer dresses too, and literally everything is on sale right now.
Anonymous
I think it would be fine as long as you wear a cardigan or other wrap over it which conceals the neckline. To me, a bridesmaid dress usually has a fairly characteristic neckline. From the waist down it probably looks like a normal evening dress. Your link has not come through yet.
gouda
Where are you located? Rent the Runway has a few physical locations.
Anon
I would try to find some black cocktail dress you like that is fairly plain and dress it up with jewelry/accessories for this event, then you can wear it to other events as well.
Anonymous
It’s not normal to have a boss request a particular holiday gift, right? A close friend started a new job in the last year, and his boss seems to have no boundaries. He bought her coffee once, and now she regularly texts him breakfast orders and never pays him back. She recently told him she expects prosecco for a present because its the only champagne she drinks (huh)? I told him a boss should buy a present, not the other way around. You don’t gift up. Or-no gifts. I haven’t ever bought gifts outside of an optional Secret Santa. He told me he wants to stop this cycle but isn’t sure what to do. I suggested he tell her he’s eating at home as a New Year’s resolution to end this breakfast ordering nonsense.
anon
You’re exactly right. It’s weird to specify gifts to anyone, unless asked for specific ideas. It’s weird to gift up in almost all workplaces. It’s weird to buy your boss coffee or breakfast items more often than very occasionally, and it’s weird that there’s no offer of payback or alternating who buys. And you’re right that prosecco isn’t even champagne, but at least it’s cheaper.
Anon
Help! Interviewing for an academic administrative position at a public institution in the south in February. What to wear? I’m thinking a traditional skirt suit or pant suit may be too formal. I’m in my early 60’s and don’t want to appear too outdated. Thoughts?
Anon
Sheath dress with coordinating but nonmatching blazer. Black or navy tights acceptable if it’s cold. You could also pair a sheath dress that would look right with it with a turneck or button down underneath.