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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Softened Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Softened BlazerLoft is having one of its “all sale is 60% off sales” — and this blazer is in the sale with a ton of sizes left, bringing it down to $20 (from an original price of $128). Softer, long blazers can be a bit difficult to style – I'd wear this one on top of pretty much any kind of sheath dress, or also on top of a bottom with less volume like a pencil skirt or skinnier ankle pants. Softened Blazer This white blazer is also in the sale in regular and plus sizes (but the sale isn't as great as this one). Happy Friday! This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

343 Comments

  1. I live in a place where it’s not normally hot (or even warm). This summer I have a nice problem, it’s been warm. Unfortunately my body isn’t coping well with the heat. And it’s not even the extreme heat I see some of you talk about, it’s only the low 20s. But I’m reacting like it’s the mid 30s or above. And it doesn’t manage what I wear or how slow I walk, even if I’m in the shade I’m red and over hot.

    And, even worse, it’s really obvious as my face is sweating like mad. My makeup doesn’t last 5 minutes outside. This is something I have not had before and I but to don’t know how to cope.

    In case it’s relevant I’ve just turned 40.

    1. I suspect everyone else is feeling the same way, especially if the heat is abnormal so I wouldn’t worry too much about people noticing. I’m in Scotland where we’ve had a warmer than usual summer and everyone looks pretty red and sweaty.

      One thing to try – running cool water over your wrists. This seems to help your body temperature regulate a bit.

    2. So summer make up should be different from the rest of the year — I drop foundation and just do concealer and powder. Definitely use a primer. Keep eye make-up light. Good luck!

      1. Yep! I don’t even wear that much makeup but I’ve switched my mascara to the ELF mascara, which is somehow the most waterproof mascara ever

        1. I started using the tubing mascara (L’Oreal’s version) and I adore it. It doesn’t irritate my contacts, doesn’t smudge, doesn’t flake, doesn’t come off at the gym or hiking or anything. Strong recommend for summer.

          1. +1

            I thought I couldn’t wear mascara on a daily basis in the hot climate where I live, but tubing mascara is like a completely different animal.

    3. I hate sweating, feeling over hot, getting red, having my make-up slide off. Unfortunately, that’s how I feel all summer, every summer. I live in a climate where our temps have already been up to 44 C this summer (111 F) and the heat lasts until late September.
      If you don’t have AC, obviously use fans.
      If you’re hot inside, get a pan of cool water and sit with your feet in it — that will help cool down your body.
      Cool baths work, too, or a cool washcloth on your wrists, neck, and inner elbows with cool water.
      Drink lots of water.

      If your climate is that cool ordinarily, it sounds like the heat won’t last much longer…surely cool temperatures are right around the corner.

    4. Are you drinking enough? We rarely do….

      Could you be on a medication that now makes you more easily dehydrated/heat sensitive?

      Check in with you doctor, if you haven’t had your yearly physical yet. But most likely this is not anything concerning.

      But meanwhile, these little rechargeable fans are wonderful to have in your hand when you are walking and suffering! I got one for a family member who is heat sensitive like you are (he also turns red, is so uncomfortable…). When he feels this way, he quickly drinks, wipes his neck, upper chest, back of neck with a cold face cloth (and wipes is face, but not practical with make-up), and pulls out his fan.

      https://www.amazon.com/Topwell%C2%AE-Rechargeable-Portable-Handheld-Operated/dp/B011RCD4F2/ref=asc_df_B011RCD4F2/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=194944285088&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11682752211043920448&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9021569&hvtargid=pla-314457193131&psc=1

    5. Maybe we’re family! My mom and I are like this and always have been- beet red and sweating profusely, even when other people are still saying it’s chilly andwearing cardigans. On the flip side, we go without coats (sometimes even sleeves) in the rain and wind, which is normal weather here.

    6. Are you changing how you’re dressing?

      Try:
      Lighter fabrics (silk, linen, etc., no thick knits, especially not ponte)
      Sleeveless instead of sleeved shirts
      Loose skirts in light fabrics (again, linen) or shorts instead of pants
      Sun hat

    7. I carry a small bamboo folding fan in my purse and use it frequently. Helps immensely.

    8. Translucent Loose Setting Powder form Laura Mercier is my saving grace. I skip foundation and primer and just use a brush to apply a decent amount of this over my eyelid and underage area.

    9. I have noticed that as I get older, I am far less tolerant to heat. I used to be able to run miles in 85-degree humid weather. Now all I want to do is huddle by the AC vent.

    10. Definitely work with layers and just keep something at work if it’s cold there. Seriously, carry a cold drink with you EVERYWHERE but also focus on hydration even when you’re not actively hot (adding electrolytes to your water will help as well). And I just skip makeup until I get to where I’m going and then just use powder – foundation is pointless in this kind of heat, but a little powder will lighten the redness.

      Cosigned Team Winter.

      1. A very kind Phoenix, AZ Uber driver advised me (an obviously sweaty Midwesterner) that he carries a half-frozen water bottle in the crook of his arm, keeping it close to his core/torso.

        1. I’ve always been told to put cold things on wrists, elbows, underarms, and knees (and the back of the neck I think) to cool yourself most quickly because that’s where the most blood flows close to the skin (or something like that).

          I have zero scientific proof to back up that, but it’s what I’ve always done.

    11. You can also use products like Certain Dri or Sweatblock to help stop the sweating, even on parts of your body that are not your armpits.

  2. Anyone ever have a blemish that last 2+ months?

    I am going to get this checked out by my doctor just in case it is something worse, but since that will take a while, thought I’d see if anyone has any advice first. I have what looks like a mild pimple – small, raised, reddish – on my face. It appeared during a pretty stressful time, but all the other blemishes have disappeared since then, but this one remains. I have pretty clear skin, and use hypoallergenic skincare products, so pimples are rare for me. This one just refuses to go down. A few weeks ago, I put Aquaphor on it in case it was just trying to heal. It looked like it was fading, but now is back to its usual redness again. Any guesses as to what might be going on?

    1. I think cystic acne can last for a long time, especially if it’s gone untreated. Definitely see a derm.

      1. +1, or the annoying acne-like things that come with rosacea. But a derm is your best bet!

    2. Yeah, that sounds like cystic acne. I get it too and it can take forever to go away. I’d go to the derm and get a Kenalog shot.

    3. Where on your face is it?

      This is related to acne, and is called folliculitis. Try warm compresses twice a day. Put a tiny dot of a topical steroid on it twice a day for a day or two, then a topical antibiotic or benzoyl peroxide on it.

      Is it tender? Has it drained anything (sorry…. )? If you have a dermatologist, you could go for a quick check in. I would do this if it is on your face, because sometimes these can scar.

      1. It’s on my forehead, so kind of annoyingly prominent :( It never got to a point to drain oddly. It’s always been this little red bump, but that’s actually common for “pimples” on my face. I’m going to try to find some benzoyl peroxide this weekend and try that. And do some research on cystic acne based on the advice here.

        I really hate how annoying it can be to schedule a derm appointment! I think I may even have to go through my normal GP to get a referral…ugh.

        1. Also research sebaceous hyperplasia – I had some spots that looked like pimples but weren’t.

    4. If it’s located near your mouth, it could be perioral dermatitis. Mine started as a “pimple” that wouldn’t go away.

      1. I had something like that on my cheek on and off for years. It started as a pimple then just was a red spot. It seemed to get more inflamed when my allergies were worse weirdly. What finally made it go away was some sort of snail cream that is supposed to help with scars/inflammation.

    5. I think you should get it checked out, but my husband had something like this pop up on his face and it turned out to be a mole.

      As a side note: if anyone ever sees anything like this on a breast, and it lasts for more than two or three weeks, go see your GP immediately for a mammogram, ultrasound and consultation by a breast specialist. Inflammatory breast cancer can start like this (people often think it’s either a pimple or an insect bite, and then the bump doesn’t go away) and speedy treatment is critical to long-term survival.

  3. Best snacks to serve when it’s super hot but I can’t find any good produce?

    1. This intrigues me. Super hot usually means summer, when produce is at its best. Do you usually serve fruits and veggies but can’t find them?

      1. Yes, usually I find the best fruit (occasionally veg) and pair with cheese. But the farmers market was cancelled this week, and the hit or miss grocery store was a total miss. I’m not in a city, obviously ;).

      2. My grocery store seems to be struggling with produce freshness this summer (I pick over everything, choose the best I can find, and a percentage is still moldy or rotten within days). The dairy doesn’t make it till the sell by. I wonder if some of the trucks aren’t maintaining cool temperatures successfully, or if it’s just that hot out when they’re loading and unloading. Much better luck at the farmer’s market for sure.

        1. Same here! There’s a massive shortage of truck drivers across the country and I know it’s been a rough few months in terms of recalls.

    2. Fruit popsicles.

      Frozen blueberries. I take good blueberries after we pick them (now is the time in my area) and freeze them. Don’t it frozen blueberries from the bags at Trader’s. Those are for smoothies.

    4. Frozen berries or grapes. Cold canned peaches or pears (in juice, not syrup) with a scoop of cottage cheese. Sherbet or sorbet. Small frozen squares of dark chocolate. Iced green mint tea. Cold olives or dried dates with your favorite cheese. Frozen junior mints if you’re not looking for something terribly healthy.

  4. Curious what the consensus on this is. I’m going to guess the answer is no, but is it ever appropriate to tell someone at work that they should try to do something about their allergies? I work with someone who is constantly sniffling his nose and it is so annoying. Like, we’re talking every other minute. People always ask him if he’s sick, which I think was especially concerning during this last flu season as his job involves a lot of hand shaking. He always says he has allergies and has said in the past that he doesn’t take anything because
    “it doesn’t really bother me”… but it really does bother the people who work with him! This is so personal I don’t think I would ever say anything but just curious what you all think. FWIW, I have allergies myself and sometimes can’t help my sniffles even when I take something so I am sensitive to how he may feel. But I also don’t sniffle every single day like he does.

    1. I worked with a woman who sniffed and sniffled MORE than this, and it wasn’t allergies — she had a physical sinus condition that she could do nothing about. I understood but it was still crazy annoying to have her sniffling multiple times a minute. the only thing that helped was a) telling myself it must be more annoying for her than for me and b) headphones.

      1. I dated a guy with a similar issue and it had nothing to do with allergies or sinuses. It was a Tourette Syndrome tick. OP, tread lightly.

        1. +1000.

          I have a medical condition that makes me sniffle and clear my throat a lot, and the “blow your nose” suggestions get realllll old. The world is a noisy annoying place, sorry?

    2. If he’s practicing bad hygiene like not covering his mouth or extending a snot-covered hand to people that’s gross. But if he wants to suffer from allergies that’s his choice and no you shouldn’t tell him to “do something about it.” Some people don’t want to take meds for what they see as a very minor problem and that’s their choice.

    3. I worked with someone where the sniff was obsessive compulsive. His may be, too, but he doesn’t want to reveal that (people are far kinder on physical vs mental). Either way I’d say none of your biz unless he asks if it’s bothersome.

    4. Could it be that this person has a tic? And it is made worse by the allergy season.

      Sniffing is a very very very common uncontrollable behavior for people who have Tourette’s or other more mild tic issues. My father has it. And by you bringing it up repeatedly, you are only making him more self-conscious and anxious, which can make the behavior worse.

      You have to let it go. You cannot demand that someone medicate themselves for your convenience. Allergy medications do have side effects for some people. And honestly an allergy medication and using a Netti pot every day wouldn’t get rid of it anyway. And it is not a dangerous behavior.

      You appear to have a sensitivity to hearing this tic, which is also a mild inconvenience. Most people aren’t so bothered. Your irritation is related to the condition where people are ultrasensitive to hearing people chew etc.. – misophonia. So actually, this is more your problem than his. You need to deal with it by wearing headphones/white noise machines/turning your chair to look away from him and considering anti-anxiety medications. What, did I just tell you to medicate yourself? Not really…. even though my recommendations are appropriate. But maybe by reading that you got a sense of what it must be like for him when people he barely knows but has to work with every day give him dirty looks and complain to him regularly about something he cannot control and already feels bad about.

    6. Adding to the chorus: keep silent about this.

      It might be something other than allergies and he’s dissembling because he doesn’t want to explain his private health issues to you, which is totally his right. Or it may be exactly what he says: he has allergies and he is aware that allergy medicines exist and has decided not to take them, which is also his right.

    7. I work with a guy who is constantly coughing. It’s a nasty, wet phelgmy cough. I’ve told him many times “wow, that sounds terrible. You should see your doctor about that” but he never seems to take the hint. I’ve never told him that it’s annoying and gross, but I’ve told him with the tone of concern. Other than that, I don’t think there’s anything we can do.

      1. What you said sounds like a reasonable thing to say. Medicine and healthcare are both a lot more limited than we often assume. He may well have seen a doctor about it already.

  5. Happy Friday! What’s everyone wearing this (on the East Coast of the US) dreary, rainy Friday?

    It’s casual Friday, so I’m wearing a black and white striped twist front top with black high-waisted jeans, and since I’m going into the field today, casual tan boots with orange laces. With the requisite black raincoat, since it has not been dry here for three weeks.

    1. I’m wearing a black cotton t-shirt style dress and sandals. It’s hot and humid but I really hope it rains because its felt like its going to for days. And my hair can’t take it anymore!

    2. It’s sunny and hot in the Midwest. We had your dreary weather earlier this week ;) I’m wearing white jeans, blush ballet flats and a cobalt blue short-sleeved blouse.

      1. Blue Everlane cropped chinos, burgundy, blue and white stripe button front shell, Blue cotton open weave sweater and burgundy ballet wedges — I am mourning the fact this is my last pair of Cole Hans with Nike Air.

    3. It’s dreary here per usual. Cooler than usual (low 70s) but over 90% humidity. Wearing a Boden ottoman dress in lavender with caramel patent almond toe flats. Seersucker blazer to layer if the AC goes too crazy but this dress looks best without a jacket so that’s what I’m rocking now!

    4. Cloudy but not rainy in my part of the Northeast coast. I’m wearing a short sleeve crepe black dress with a back exposed metal zipper, which I don’t love. I’m happy that trend seems to be going away. For awhile, it seemed all dresses had one! I’ve been losing weight (yay), so I’m holding off on buying new clothes, but I can’t wait to buy regular hidden zipper dresses again.

    5. The humidity is killing me slowly. I haven’t styled my hair in three weeks.

      Also casual Friday here (jeans and sneakers allowed), so I am wearing coral skinny jeans, a white tank with a navy blue three quarter sleeve Pleione blouse, and my white Shoreline Chucks.

      1. this is me. humidity plus casual friday? I feel like I’ve just given up on life, my hair, looking cute, not sweating.

        In Boston here – and this heat/humidity stretch is just never ending. wearing gray croc flats that pass as cute sneaks and a jersey striped dress.

        1. Pile of Blah is SO SO SO accurate! I’m with you. I didn’t even bother to try to dry the front of my hair like I normally do before pulling it back today.

    6. Casual Friday in biz casual office after all day company retreat yesterday, and I’m leaving for vacation this evening. I have to attend an interview this afternoon so I tried to look like I kind of care, but it didn’t really happen.
      Gray lace tank and dark green pants from Loft, blush cardigan from Target. Pearl jewelry because I think it classes up the outfit a bit.

    7. I am wearing the closest thing to PJ’s possible at work: black stretchy ankle pants and light blue Didion top, black flats, black beaded necklace, hair in a ponytail. Not technically casual Friday at my biglaw office but it’s about a thousand degrees and 200% humidity here.

    8. ON 7/8 high rise leggings, an Athleta Chi tank and a super fun strappy sports bra. I’m also working from home and going to lunchtime yoga :)

    9. Cool and overcast here in the PNW, which is a relief from near-100s earlier this week. Coral slacks with a seafood green tunic-length top with paisley patterns in blue/green/orange/white. Topped with a lightweight coral cardigan with 3/4-length sleeves. Nude-for-me wedges.

  6. Interested in lateraling to LA litigation from NY. Can anyone with experience in both cities speak to the law firm/litigation culture in both cities and firms that have aggressive/collegial cultures?

        1. I live in LA and I assume she means it costs a lot to look as good as people expect you to look.

          I don’t think this is really a thing unless you work in “The Industry” or adjacent to it. I’ve got a friend who works at a major studio doing non-showbiz stuff like developing apps, and she’s definitely working *really* hard to stay looking as young and trendy as possible. Age discrimination is a big thing.

          1. Me again, that’s it. If you are going to be doing work for clients in «the Industry » rather than, say, aerospace clients, you’ll see lawyers playing the appearance game.

  7. That post about the “stand your ground” bar incident made me think of the following story.

    I was at a bar with other young professional women and someone started telling an anecdote about their long term exboyfriend who they said was racist (the story was about him saying racist things about a black
    waitress who had natural hair). I interrupted the story to say, I don’t care about your racist ex boyfriend and his racist remarks but I would like to know why you dated a racist for three years.

    Immediate rage from the girl who dated a racist for three years but who thought she was all that for identifying his behaviour as racist.

    Ladies, when you tell me these stories I’m not going to laugh about how funny it is that your boyfriend or ex is racist, I’m
    not going to be impressed that you condemn the racist behaviour- I’m going to wonder why you date racists. You don’t get a medal for telling your racist boyfriend to reconsider his racism. Most of us just don’t date racists and do so without any expectation of praise.

    Also people, why are you saying that it’s uncomfortable calling out your racist boyfriends? What does it say about you that you have a racist boyfriend and the part that’s uncomfortable is calling him out on his racism not the actual racism???

    Do not complain about your racist boyfriend when you have great potential solution called dump the racist boyfriend.

    1. I think you are being a little harsh. Love can make people put up with all sorts of bad behavior. We don’t blame women in abusive relationships for not ending it sooner, so why should we blame women who date racist a-holes for not ending it sooner? And I suspect they are sharing the “ha ha my ex-bf is so racist” stories to make themselves feel better about the end of the relationship. I don’t interpret this as them looking for congrats.

      1. WOC actually spend a lot of time hearing stories of racism. Some woke person will always want to tell us about their racist ex or parents or coworker and it’s always to make the woke person feel superior.

        No, telling us a story about a racist is not helpful. I’m also not interested in an exciting anecdote about all the racist stuff that happens when your family gets together at Thanksgiving.

        It’s not a surprise to me when someone says something racist about black women or repeats something racist that was said about black women- it’s just a reflection of the society where we live in where it’s acceptable to be awful to black women.

      2. “We don’t blame women in abusive relationships for not ending it sooner, so why should we blame women who date racist a-holes for not ending it sooner?”

        Because they’re not analogous at all. An abusive relationship is characterized by features that make it very difficult for a person to leave. A relationship with a racist is not.

        It’s more complicated than “some times it’s hard to leave people who are bad.”

        1. How do you know there wasn’t abuse, especially emotional abuse, involved? Racist men tend to be pretty emotionally abusive from my anecdotal experience. I just think you can’t judge someone for not leaving when you don’t know what was going on in the relationship.

          1. Because it’s usually in the context of “haha my boyfriend is sooooooo racist” like it’s funny?

          3. Did you read what I wrote? If he’s abusive, then it’s hard to leave because it’s an abusive relationship, not because he’s racist. It’s like a venn diagram. Some men are abusive, some men are racists, some are abusive racists. Maybe he is abusive, but that’s not what your post said. Don’t backpedal.

    2. Agree, agree, agree.

      If you are dating a racist, then racism doesn’t really bother you all that much.

      And that’s a huge reflection on your character.

    3. You don’t get any awards for demanding that other people do hard work. Just, fyi.

      1. Yeah hun. Woc just deal with racists, apologists for racists and dumb stories about racists without any awards. But a white girl will want applause for telling her boyfriend it’s not okay to publicly talk about killing a black woman for taking up space. It’s kind of sad.

        1. This is worse. The OP wants applause for telling other people to tell their boyfriends to not be racist.

          1. OP here – I do not care what you tell your boyfriend. If however you tell me your boyfriend is a racist I will think you are awful for dating a racist.

    4. Here here!

      My best friend from childhood had a fast and ugly second marriage to a good old boy – an out in the open racist. Basically, a person who was the opposite of her first husband,and who now openly supports Trump. I’ve only seen her once in 10 years since she got married. Only now that they are getting a divorce does she openly admit how terrible his views are.

      The blinders we wear …. In my friend’s case, her desperate fear of being alone…… led her to overlook a lot.

      We are no longer friends. Just acquaintances.

    5. When I see these women I think…… are you actually considering having children with that man? Is that how you want to raise your kids?

    6. So while I applaud your standards and probably think and say something similar, I also totally get how this happens and why it’s uncomfortable. These women are not meeting these men knowing this. Most people don’t ID themselves as racist. If you ask someone on a first date if they are racist or sexist or whatever they will likely say “of course not!” and think you’re nuts. Also, it’s not a topic that necessarily comes up early on, esp. depending on where you live. So then fast forward to you are in a relationship and you notice your partner say something that is offensive but you think well maybe they are just making a crass joke. You like them so you give them the benefit of the doubt. Or you like them and you think “well, but he doesn’t really believe that because he’s a good guy” or whatever. And yes it is uncomfortable to say to someone you like “hey that was not okay.” Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said, but let’s acknowledge that.

      I think it’s really awesome that everyone in your life and circle of friends and family is so culturally sensitive that you’ve never had to encounter this situation or that you are so comfortable cutting people out of your life for these offenses, but I think most of us can relate to the experience of someone we love or need to be polite to saying something offensive and just not immediately cutting them out of our life – whether that’s a grandparent or crazy aunt or whatever.

      It’s not directly on point but the NYT had a good op-ed about the distinction: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/30/opinion/how-to-talk-to-a-racist.html

      Again, just to be clear, never personally dated a racist. But I have been around enough people from all walks to have seen it happen and recognize the difference in degree. As per the article, if your goal is to feel morally superior, go ahead. But if your goal is to be productive, maybe engaging in a dialogue about this is the better course of action.

      1. I’m a WOC. I understand the difference between tolerating a racist family member and a racist boyfriend. You can’t pick your family, but you can definitely pick your boyfriend. Obviously, there are instances of abuse where women are trapped, but that is not the scenario being discussed here. We’re talking about choosing to be with a person who views people like me as sub-human, in one way or another. That article is problematic for a number of reasons (and written by a women who I presume has never been dehumanized on the basis of her race, but that’s a presumption here). It’s not about moral superiority, it’s about understanding the difference right and wrong. There are clear lines. We’re in an age where conciliation is being pushed as a salve. Well, I’m not going to do that when I think people don’t consider think I deserve the full rights and privileges that they have.

      2. actually it’s my experience people are pretty upfront with their racism and asking is a great way to find out. I asked my now-husband if he was racist because it matters to me. If you’re not asking it’s because you don’t care.

        Also there are plenty of ways to claim racism while not explicitly doing it and only the most naive would claim it’s impossible to tell. For example, saying something like, “Oh everything’s racist now?” is a good indicator that someone doesn’t take racism seriously.

    7. My sister dated a racist dude for a couple years, and it seemed to me like 1) she might not have verbally agreed with everything he said, but it did seem like she was condoning his garbage views by not shutting them down, and 2) it seemed like some of his views rubbed off on her, for a little while anyway.

      I give her a pass because she was young when they started dating, and might not have realized right away that he was kinda racist, just “from the South” and “had a different upbringing,” etc. I do wonder if at some point she was like “wait, this guy is super racist and that’s not good” but at that point they were serious about each other, she’d developed strong feelings for him, and it wasn’t so easy to just extract herself from the situation. Love makes us blind, and we like to see the good in our partners even when they say and do stuff that we’d judge others for, But the point is, they did break up eventually. Whether his racism was a factor I can’t say, but she knows better now and that’s what’s important.

      1. I don’t understand this story. What was the point? Your sister who gets a pass for being young and your sister, dated a racist but might not have dumped him for being a racist (because being a racist was obviously not a dealbreaker for her). And now she knows better than to just go around dating racists.

        Well that’s great for her. I’m sure I’d give her a big smile, a high five and thank her for her support for racialized people everywhere if she told me this story.

        1. +1 Are you proud of this Linda? I would never give a pass to my sister for tolerating a racist bf no matter how young she was. WTF.

    8. Related question, I’m honestly curious what people think. I suspect my SO may hold some prejudicial beliefs that some could fairly characterize as racism (albeit mild, if thats a thing). When he says something to that effect, I tell him he can think whatever he wants in his own head, we can’t always control our thoughts after all, but please do not express it out loud, even to me. Reasonable approach or am I part of the problem?

      1. I’m confused about how you ::suspect:: your SO may hold these beliefs. Have you asked him? “Hey, when you say ____, what does that mean for you?” I don’t think it’s “reasonable v. part of the problem” right now. I’d first get clear on what, exactly, he actually does believe and think. If you can’t talk about that…?

      2. Do you want your SO to propagate these “mild racist” views to your children, if you decide to have them? Because even if you separate from him as an adult, this person will be their parent for the rest of their lives.

        Do you want to be treated like a child, where your SO needs to “hide” his true feelings because you don’t want to be uncomfortable around them?

        Do you want your friends/family who may fall within one of the groups that he is “mildly racist” about to be made uncomfortable around him (as I guarantee you he will not be as good at hiding his views as you think he is….), and for his opinions to reflect back on you? Because of course they will.

        So yes, you are part of the problem.

        It is much better for you to discuss than ignore.

      3. I think you should have a serious conversation with him about what his actual views are. You say you “suspect.” Don’t you think you should actually know?

      4. You are part of the problem.

        Racism is a part of the society we live in. It’s hard not to allow racism against certain people become part of who we are and how we think. You’re telling him that’s okay as long as he keeps it to himself, not to try and learn and grow and improve.

        1. +1. Like, I guess if you want to persist this way, that’s your call but don’t come claiming “good person” or “woke” points. Nothing is more annoying that people who want brownie points for doing nothing worthwhile or useful.

        2. I think this is a good point. I would say (and do say), like, shorthand, “my husband doesn’t do/say/think racist things” but what I mean is more like, “my husband looks at the problems in his own thinking and tries to improve, actively educates himself, and tries to root out racism and other problematic thinking where he finds it, in himself and in others.” (Would say the same about myself.)

      5. Since you asked: I personally do not support this approach. As his SO, you are one of the only people with the standing to really delve into these beliefs with him. If you ask him to simply not voice them around you, then they may well be going completely unexamined and unchallenged. In the worst case outcome (with people in general, not necessarily talking about your SO), this insulation from challenge can lead to the attitudes hardening or becoming even more prejudicial over time.

        100% of my enlightening experiences on these kinds of topics involved people I trusted who challenged me. Some of them were authors or teachers, but most were family, friends, partners, roommates and other social contacts. I’m grateful to them.

      6. You’re part of the problem. 1- he needs to change his views. 2- you need to dump him because by dating him, you’re making it clear that you accept his views.

      7. Personally, I would challenge him on why he has those beliefs. Even if he doesn’t say them out loud, it will impact his actions in subtle ways – and ways that could impact the thoughts of your future children, if you want to have them with him. If you disagree with his thoughts, say it.

      8. Does it matter if he doesn’t say it out loud? I think you know the answer here. You’re condoning his views by staying with him in the most intimate relationship people get into. That means you’re okay with how he thinks even if he doesn’t say it. There is absolutely no way I would or could do that. I don’t understand being so desperate for a relationship that you let your moral compass go. I’m with the OP on this.

          1. Why does the poster deserve empathy? For tolerating a (mildly….) racist boyfriend?

            She asked for our opinions, and we gave them.

          2. If you’re serious – try proposing an ’empathetic’ response to someone who thinks it’s okay to date a racist. Genuinely interested in knowing what you think Anon at 10:25 could have said. She wasn’t rude but empathy for dating racists? That’s bridge too far in my book.

          3. An empathetic response would be “wow, that’s a tough situation when someone you love expresses views like that. Have you talked to him about how that’s not okay?”

            This is pretty basic human interaction, fyi.

          4. Yeah, no I don’t to have empathy for a racist boyfriend or his girlfriend who has told him his racist thinking is okay as long as he doesn’t say racist things in public.

          5. LOL 11:41. Sorry but nope, there’s nothing tough about dating a racist jerk. That’s a dump situation and I don’t feel bad for her. Try screening for these things before you make him your boyfriend.

      9. When I say “suspect” or “mildly”, what I mean is, he is quick to assume a POC is a threat or doing something suspicious, when if it was a white person I don’t think he would think twice. For example a POC driving slowly down our block looking at houses. He has also made some insensitive comments about police shootings of unarmed POC, which have been happening a lot in our city. He doesn’t understand “why they don’t just comply”? That being said, he does have a very diverse group of friends, and I am certain he in no way thinks POC are in any way shape or form subhuman…Perhaps he could have more empathy and education on the effects of institutional racism, etc.

        1. Why not just talk with him about these comments and see what he says about them? YOu’ll soon find out if he gets defensive and doubles down, or if he says, “Wow…didn’t realize what I was actually doing or saying there…you’re right..”

        2. It’s not uncommmon for people to say things to me like they are okay with professional ethnic people like me who dress in western clothing, have no accent and are Christian. These same people dislike people with my skin colour who wear traditional clothing, have accents or song speak English, are homeless, have immigration/entry issues, are on welfare etc.

          If you only tolerate racialized people when they act in a way that makes you comfortable or in a way you approve of then you are still a racist. If your friend is okay with his black buds he golfs or has brunch with but thinks unarmed black people deserve to be shot then that’s really not good. Its not a sign that he is a more evolved racist or something or that he’s like an acceptable racist.

        3. Nope that seems pretty racist. He allows for “exceptions” ie John is his friend but not really “like them” or “pretty whatever for a black guy”. You are definitely part of the problem. Challenge him whenever he makes a comment like that if you are young and think he can grow but otherwise I would not date someone like that.

        4. I don’t think this is mild or not clearly racist. What you have described is racism. And having a POC as a friend does not mean he is not a racist.

          1. I completely agree, this is not mild and it’s not harmless. He’s okay with extra-judicial state execution.

          2. Yeah, gotta agree. That would cross the line for me. And FWIW, my SO and I had to have some very real conversations about race in America the first year we were dating. One of them left me honestly wondering if I needed to break up with him.

            But 1) he responded to those conversations with a spirit of learning and did the work to figure out why his assumptions were problematic, and 2) he would NEVER in a million years have said ONE of the things your boyfriend has said. Sometimes I still throw him side-eye and go like, “really, you said that?” but it’s about things that are legitimately minor–not questioning a POC’s right not be shot by police, or to exist in our neighborhood.

        5. This is modern day-racism. This sort of “casual racism” is exactly the sort of thing that POC face every day and prevents them from having the same job opportunities, and makes POC’s lives more difficult on a day-to-day level. This isn’t ok, and you are trying to soften the reality. Your boyfriend is a racist, and you don’t think it is a big deal. This isn’t about empathy, this is about stigmatizing an entire group of people because of the color of their skin. I would 100% try to educate him on why these things matter, but if he can’t change his views, then you are condoning them.

          I say this as a white person that has had to have these ugly conflictions with myself. I have been the person that is scared of black men hanging around my apartment complex not doing anything. I realize this view is wrong, and I have to constantly check myself and say, “they are not doing anything wrong and I would not blink twice if it was a group of white men”. This is not an easy change to make, especially with how this country’s culture and my upbringing reinforced those thoughts, but I know that these thoughts are wrong to have.

          1. THIS. I’d be so turned off by my BF’s unwillingness to examine his biases, and frankly, his lack of critical thinking skills. “Why don’t they just comply?” To me, this says “I’m satisfied by hearing sound-bite explanations/justifications for state-sponsored executions from Fox News and am either not interested or it doesn’t occur to me to use my critical thinking skills to question this line of reasoning.” Not hot. Not compatible with my values. It’s like saying “why don’t they just get a job?” If that’s as deep as you can go, well… (side note: this is why the conservative media spends so much time pumping out these sound bites. They give people an easy way explanation that doesn’t involve systemic racism that they can incorporate into their knee jerk responses to avoid responsibility for examining these issues. The more you hear them, the more likely they are to sink in.)

            I’m like anonymous at 10:42. I grew up in the south where casual racism permeates. If I see a group of men hanging about some place and feel uncomfortable, I always ask myself if I would feel intimidated/worried if it was a group of white guys. Sometimes that answer is still yes. Sometimes what makes me feel insecure is simply that it’s a group of men, depending on context. Sometimes it’s what they’re wearing, how they’re dressed, or acting. That’s how I try to challenge that bias.

        6. Yeah, I’d dump him if you aren’t going to actually try and change his views.

          DH was mildy homophobic when I met him. Like had gay friends but didn’t support gay marriage. We talked a lot about it and he’s come around. I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t.

          Talk to people, try to understand their views and actively work to change them. If they have no interest in changing, dump them. Don’t date racists and homophobes.

        7. I think it’s really easy to cultivate all the right perspectives when you have enough privilege and security. I’m in a position to worry about, say, a woman trapped and abused in fundamentalist religion and patriarchal marriage, but a restaurant server may focus more on how the same woman tips poorly and berates her for working on Sunday. I am in a position to sympathize with the retail worker who drags his feet and shoplifts from the nameless corporation who employs him, but the coworker who covers for him and hears the lectures about inventory may be completely fed up. I have plenty of opinions about how drug addicts should be treated by society, but they are really easy opinions for me to hold! The burnt-out EMT who has been threatened and attacked enough times by his town’s “frequent flyers” may be starting to wonder what it’s all for. And lord knows the EMT has done more good for drug addicts than my woke opinions and correct voting record have done? And our society always attempts to produce prejudices and divisions between people who are disadvantaged (I often think of how harshly young women who made it to college against the odds talk about the girls in their classes who got pregnant in high school and are going nowhere). And sometimes expressing prejudice against people you have more in common with wins you approval among people you have less in common with who are higher up the ladder. It’s just far too easy for me to judge people in these positions.

          However, “why don’t they just comply” is egregiously ignorant and wrongheaded in every way, and he needs to understand why.

          1. Thank you for sharing this. It helped me to realize why some of my family members hold the beliefs that they do and how flawed my attempts to discuss social issues with them have been.

        8. Oh sweetie, no, that’s not “suspect” or “mild” those are out and out racist views. You need to talk to him and if he can’t see the error in his thinking and actively try to change his views, you should dump him. If you “tolerate” his views, then you also have them, sorry not sorry.

        9. This sounds somewhat more like being oblivious to systematic and institutional racism, to me. And it’s hard to tease out these subtleties beforehand or even in the early stages of dating, just as it’s hard to identify some unconscious and deeply entrenched sexist attitudes before you have children (for example). So many men believe themselves champions of feminism yet completely fail to see how they do none of the emotional labor at home. I don’t think dumping them is a clear-cut answer in either case.

      10. What the what? So if he’s an inside his own head racist and just never brings it to your attention by vocalizing it, that’s okay!?!?

    9. I feel like this thread is devolving into “which white posters are woke af?” I honestly don’t believe you when you say that you would instantly dump a boyfriend for a suspected racist comment or that you can’t imagine what it would be like because you’ve never been in this position or that you would never ever have a racist friend. Human beings are complex creatures, made all the more so by the bonds of friendship and love that often begin way before we ever suspect racism. As a white woman myself, I think it is more honest to acknowledge that racism and white supremacy are so deeply steeped in our society that we have normalized these “minor” instances of racism, but that it’s unreasonable and anti-human-nature to want to dump someone you love the instant you hear a racist comment.

      I also think it’s intellectually dishonest to pretend that someone like the OP’s bf, who has apparently made insensitive comments about police shootings of POC, is morally equivalent to a KKK member – that he is SO intolerable as a human that the OP is in fact just as intolerable for remaining in his presence one second longer. It doesn’t work like that and you know it. All people make insensitive comments ALL. THE. TIME. – whether it’s related to race or sex or political ignorance or immigrants or who knows what. No one is born morally superior with innate knowledge and understanding of all the “right” things to say when confronted with complex, challenging circumstances in life.

      All of that is not to say that the OP *should* tolerate racism from her bf. My point is that it’s never cut-and-dry, he’s a bad person and so is she, the only option is to DTMFA. Humans are complex and you can’t ignore that.

      1. But that is not true in my circle. So you say it is in yours. That is enlightening.

      2. I don’t know what your life is but I just don’t associate with people who joke about unarmed black people being shot. It it came up at a social gathering I would leave, if a friend made such remarks we would be done.

        1. Who say anything about joking about black people being shot? The OP’s bf asked “why don’t they stand down,” which is a real question (albeit ignorant).

          1. No, he made a joke about “stand his ground” and then made a joke about Trayvon Martin – geez

          2. No, read the post again. That didn’t happen. He looked suspiciously at black men cruising in the neighborhood and said “why don’t they stand down” in relation to police shootings.

      3. Sorry you can’t imagine anything outside your own experience but I 100% screen for racism in my friends and lovers.

      5. I’m with all the other anons. I don’t associate with people who make insensitive comments ALL THE TIME about other human beings, and I absolutely do not remain friends or become friends with people who make racist, homophobic, and/or xenophobic remarks or behave accordingly. I have small groups of friends and I would far rather have NO friends – not at all sorry about that.

          1. Anon at 10:43 did – “All people make insensitive comments ALL. THE. TIME. – whether it’s related to race or sex or political ignorance or immigrants or who knows what.”

            Which is what I am responding to.

    10. Calling BS on all people claiming never to have dated a racist. Many (most?) white people have racist influences in their lives, and we all need to recognize our privilege and work on being less racist and changing our biases. To claim that it’s all black and white (racist or not) ignores a whole lot of problems.

      1. Yeah, it would be a lot more realistic to say “I have never dated anyone who behaved, in front of me, in a way that I thought was racist, at the time that we were dating.”

      2. Your response says more about you than the other posters. Of course we have implicit biases, and we work on them like decent human beings. But dating an overt racist – someone who is not ashamed of his/her racist biases – ummmm, no. I wouldn’t date a racist. It really doesn’t take a hero to draw that line in the sand.

        This whole thread is so depressing.

        1. Sure, you’re right, you can discard a lot of people who are overtly racist. I just get sick of the sanctimonious people who are so wrapped up in attacking others’ choices and acting like there’s no gray area. Like, if you’re white, you’re on the racist scale somewhere.

          1. Making a “stand your ground” joke about a black woman who is standing close to you in a crowded bar is overtly racist.

          2. Right 11:29, but wherever I am on that scale I’m working on moving closer toward zero, and I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to expect the same from the people with whom I associate. I can’t expect people to be perfect, but I can expect them to work on themselves.

        2. Eh, I have an implicit bias now against people from the South – the kind who are evangelical fundamentalists, anti-gay marriage, forced birth, the kinds of people who elected Trump and cheee at his rallies. I’m really not interested in “working through” this bias.

          1. You know that’s not all people in the South right? I mean, you know there are people in other parts of the country who voted for Trump and who feel that way. Even if every Southerner voted for him, there aren’t enough electoral college votes in the Southern states to vote a president in. And obviously not all Southerners feel this way!!!

          2. Yeah I’m trying to tell if you hear an accent and make assumptions (BOO) or if you’re saying that you disagree with certain political stances (yeap, me too). One friend comes to mind: she’s loves where she’s from (deep south) but her politics and her literal job are pretty much the opposite of what you’re describing, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      3. One thing I’ve struggled with my own SO about is getting him to recognize how he benefits from systemic racism. That it’s not enough to just “not be racist” but that he has to do more than that. He was raised by Reaganite Republicans who still watch Fox News….he cringes at the word privilege.

        So all the white posters here have dated people who are racist – and we’ve benefited from racism. For me, I try to push my “woke” white friends to go beyond just rejecting “overt” racism and thinking about institutional racism. To me that’s the line a lot of people get uncomfortable with when they’re asked to cross it.

      4. Everyone here claiming they never have, nor will ever, tolerate racism in any form is still racist if they’ve:

        – Moved to the suburbs
        – Chosen a white-majority school for their child because of “test scores”
        – Stayed in the better school despite knowing it’s not racially diverse
        – Voted for the Republican party
        – Voted for the Democratic party
        – Expressed the opinion that society should have police
        – Expressed a critical opinion about affirmative action
        – Expressed a critical opinion about immigration policy
        – Stayed home instead of joining a local BLM protest
        – Considered adopting a child from Africa
        – Failed to pay reparations to people of color in your life

        Should we go on?

        2. +1 Actions speak louder than words. The side of my family that knows better than to say the wrong thing remains segregated in every respect (especially housing and schools), and aside from the correct talking points, race is a taboo subject. The less educated working-class side of my family has gone through more growing pains, conflict, and misunderstanding around issues of race, ethnicity, and politics. But a lot of this conflict happened because they were actually interacting: they’re also the ones whose friendships, communities, and marriages cross racial divides, and their churches, schools, and workplaces are inclusive and diverse. I know which community I’m more comfortable in.

        4. This is not a good way to get people to examine their implicit biases and try to change their thought patterns. This is an excellent way to polarize people and create greater and greater divisions in society, and also have people tune out to whatever positive messages you may wish to carry. Are you based in Russia, by any chance? If not, maybe you could look at moving there, or at least getting a job with one of the troll farms.

          1. Anonymous at 1:20 explains my post well. Actions speak louder than words, especially words on a forum like this where it’s no cost to you to parrot how great you are without actually changing anything in your life or discussing institutional racism.

        5. Eh. I get it. Look, I’m a white lady. I try to re-examine my biases, call subtle racism out when I see it, and generally not be a jerk. But institutional racism exists everywhere and it’s wrong to pretend I’m woke or perfect or enlightened.

    11. Bless you for calling her out. White people sitting back and ignoring racist behavior because they don’t want to create waves or because it’s Thanksgiving or because he’s otherwise “a nice guy” are just as responsible. We need to do better.

    12. I don’t think a single person on this thread is arguing that you should date an overt racist. The discussion is about whether you should immediately dump someone for expressing questionable views rather than talking to them, having a discussion, or explaining why their behavior is wrong. I simply don’t believe that all the posters here have always opted to instantly dump a friend or boyfriend rather than have those conversations. Honestly you probably looked the other way.

      1. I’m just not sure what kind of world we’d be creating by ostracizing everyone whose outlook needs work, even if they deserve it. I’m pretty sure they outnumber those of us who are somehow perfectly innocent of racism. Isn’t helping people do better the only way forward?

        1. That’s what I believe. Cutting people out the instant they say an ignorant comment is only going to backfire. Obviously it’s one thing to not associate with raging, extreme, never-going-to-change racists, but ghosting a friend for an ignorant comment about Trayvon Martin is never going to actually change racist behavior. Saying you would do so is just trying to score the most woke points – “see, I would NEVER be anywhere NEAR a racist!!!”

          2. There are several comments in this thread touting and advocating for exactly that.

    13. Did you all see that the NYT has just hired an editor who has very offensive, racist tweets? Her name is Sarah Jeong, and it’s so disgusting and disturbing that the main stream press tolerates racial hatred.

    14. Are you in the Bay Area by any chance? I think I know this (former) couple.

      1. OP- nowhere close. I just think this is so common. People giggling about how funny it is that their boyfriend or their ex says racist things or wanting praise for doing a bare minimum kind of thing like telling their boyfriend it’s not okay to joke about killing a black woman at a crowded bar for no reason… like seriously… lot of pretty bad people out there.

    15. Reply from First Poster

      K- interesting discussion. Went better than I thought it would.

      Basically my point here was that when you say you are dating a man who joked about killing a black woman for taking up space at a bar and the death of a black child I am forming an opinion about you. I don’t want to discuss your boyfriend and his choices, I have serious questions about you and your choices. And I’m not impressed. And I probably don’t ever want to talk to you again.

      There’s a good chance here since you’re dating a racist who jokes about violence to black women and children that you won’t care about my opinion or approval. That’s all fine and dandy.

      Cheers.

  8. Has anyone tried hacking the Nordstrom sale when something is sold out? I missed the boat on a pair of shoes I wanted (had them in my cart, sold out later in the day when I went to check out). I’ve been checking every day for returns but no dice yet. I wonder if I bought them in a different size or color, if Nordstrom would let me exchange them after the sale if my combination reappears in stock? Has anyone tried this?

    1. Yes, they will — it’s easier if you can go to a store to make the swap since technically they return the NAS purchase and then do a price adjustment on the replacement pair. But I bet you can get customer service to help you from afar, too.

    2. Weird, my first comment just totally disappeared. Anyway, short answer is yes though not intentionally; got a pair of jeans that arrived after the sale ended that were too big. Although the store didn’t have the smaller size in-stock (still sold out from the NAS) they called and located one at another store, honored the NAS price when I showed the clerk my email receipt from the sale, and had them shipped to me for free.

      So I found in-store to be helpful but I bet live chat could help you too.

  9. I got a madewell $25 off code that I am not going to use. Expires tomorrow.

    EXS-GKZB-C5CL-DH

    email says you need to enter the code with the dashes

    Enjoy!

  10. Ugh – in regular sizes this blazer is $50, but it zooms up to $120 (original price $128) in plus size. So maddening! I’d totally buy it if it was the same discounted price across all sizes, but once again plus size women get charged more.

  11. I need to have a conversation with an employee of mine (very sweet, young, sensitive) about why she is not getting assigned to a cool project she really wanted, which more than half my team will be working on. Assignments have not officially been announced, but I think she may have overheard something because she seems extremely upset today and scheduled time to talk to me.

    The honest answer is that it’s not exactly the quality of her work, which I’m happy with, even if it’s not quite at the level of the people I did assign to the project. It’s mostly that her skills/job description aren’t fully in the area of this project, while the others’ are. She would obviously prefer to work more in this area, but I need her to stay in her lane, which I have told her before.

    I sense she may think I assigned my “favorites” to the project…which I did, if favorites means the people who are doing the best, most relevant work. Honestly, this employee was not even in consideration (both due to skills alignment and work quality).

    Any suggestions about how to deliver this message without crushing her spirit would be welcome. She is doing good work, so I want her to be happy with her job here and understand that this isn’t a personal slight, even if it is disappointing.

    1. You should just tell her that she can NOT get everything she wants in life — no one can, not even Jennifer Anniston, and she is VERY cute, even at her age. Your employee should NOT be your freind; that is how you get into trouble in the work place. Sure it is disappointing, but life is full of disappointments. I am over 35 and still NOT married even tho I have a good resume, am cute, perky and smart, with money in the bank. Why is that the case? Fate! I hope to be married, but have NOT found the right guy who appreciate’s me for what I am, and I refuse to marry a guy who just wants s-x all day, like my ex. FOOEY on that!

    2. “She is doing good work, so I want her to be happy with her job here and understand that this isn’t a personal slight, even if it is disappointing.” and “I need her to stay in her lane” are the two key takeaways.

      Work is not a democracy. Managers make decisions, even if they are decisions employees don’t love. You don’t have to react to employees flouncing around with disappointment re the decisions you make. It is a kindness that you are even taking this meeting.

      That said, if this employee is more interested in that other area (Area B), but you “want her to stay in her lane”, then you should try to find that out and give her level-appropriate teaser assignments (if not full-on project staffing) in Area B. It’s also your job as a manager to help your direct reports grow their skillsets and feel challenged. So there may be a happy medium here that you’re missing out on. I think it would be wholly appropriate, if true, to tell her the first sentence I pasted up above, but also to discuss (possibly in a different meeting) her professional goals and growth trajectory. If she is a good, solid performer, it makes sense to try to meet her halfway, if at all possible, and let her know that you will try to give her more assignments in Area B in the next 6-9 mos (etc.), but that right now, you need her to continue the good work in Area A. Reassure her that it’s not a slight, but rather, your view that based on her performance in Area A, Area A would suffer without her, if she were pulled onto Fancy New Project at this time. GL!

    4. In moderation, but check out Ask a Manager’s Wednesday 5-question roundup for a similar question.

    5. Your tone here (“crushing her spirit,” “I need her to stay in her lane,” “sweet”) make it sound like you are talking about a teenager. It is also very gendered language. Do not speak to her like this.

      Just explain your needs on the project.

      One problem.you have overlooked is that people want to grow in their careers, even if they are sweet and have crushable spirits. Your job as her manager is to help her develop more skills and grow, not to keep the ” sweet” and “sensitive” girl “in her lane.” Develop a plan for her career growth with her.

      1. +1 to this! Also, why are you assuming she’s extremely upset and that’s why she scheduled time with you? Maybe she realizes that this project is outside of her scope of work but wants to discuss expanding her role and responsibilities.

        It would be perfectly reasonable for her to say, “I don’t want to work on [spreadsheets] I want to work on the creative projects? How do I get to that point?” If the answer is that she will never be able to have that role at your organization, then tell her that so she can start looking for a job where she can grow.

      3. Right, but there’s a time for career growth and a time to do what you were hired to do. It sounds like this situation is the latter.

    6. Caveat: After multiple years in toxic work environments where professionalism trumped healthy relationships, I’ve given up on finessing professional situations the way a professional “should,” and often just come out and say what I’m wanting to say. So I’d actually say, I know this might hit you hard. I really, really want you to make an effort to pull back from being crushed by this. This isn’t an all or nothing situation, and I’m guessing you might hear this news and spiral into thinking that you’re a terrible employee with no future. Not true…” then tell her the truth about what a good worker she is and the good skills she has. She won’t be able to hear this, because she will have stopped listening because she’s so upset. So I’d ask her to repeat to me what she has heard me say about it not being the end of her hopes. I figure if I can get the words to come out of her own mouth, she might have a better chance of remembering them. But probably not. She’ll go home and spiral into a bad place. But I will have done what I can, and now it’s up to her to find a friend to vent, to pull out of it, or to use this as a impetus to learn how to think differently (which is what she’s going to need to do, in order not to have a terrible, crushing life).

      1. I mean, being direct and saying what you need to say *IS* the professional way.

        Also you don’t even know this woman; I think you’re way overreaching to assume what her reaction is going to be.

      2. This is really wonderful advice, and I wish more managers followed it. This is how I manage my reports.

    7. Be straight with her that she needs to put in more time in her current area and improve her skills before you can cross train her in new role. Then develop a 1-2 year action plan for how she can get to where she wants to go.

      I really appreciated a manager once for having a frank conversation with me when I was passed on for an opportunity. The gist was, “There’s a lot of change right now and a lot of moving parts. You’re really good in your current role and it is not the right time to upend things. Give it six months to a year to settle down and then we’ll move you.”

      The key part of this, is the manager was true to his word. I received a midyear raise and title change in the role I was operating shortly after the conversation. Within six months a new opportunity opened up and it was offered to me. That specific conversation and the subsequent managerial action built a lot of trust and opened the door to very hard and very honest discussions between the both of us as the years progressed.

    8. We had issues like this with a young female employee who eventually quit.

      Work is not a democracy. If you don’t like what you are being told to do or how you are treated there is a process to discuss the situation or complain. These things should be on record and notes should be kept.

      Don’t treat this person like a child or a younger sister or a friend. Be firm, fair and clear.

  12. Have you ever dated someone who said he/she has never been in love? How did you feel about that?

    I’ve been a dating a guy for about 2 months. I really like him! We are very compatible in every way, with similar goals, careers, lots of fun gardening. He’s met some of my friends and vice versa, and everything seems great. I can see it turning into a relationship. Yesterday at dinner, however, he kind of randomly made the comment he’s never been in love after hearing a song about mother in laws (along the lines of, gee, so glad I’ve never had a mother in law! Every culture seems to fear them! I’ve never even been in love, LOL).

    I looked surprised, and I felt like he wanted to talk more but the live music at dinner wasn’t conducive to conversation. We spoke on the phone after the date and via text this morning, and both times he mentioned it was noisy and next date we should go somewhere quieter to talk.

    We are both about 30. I would consider myself to have been in love 4 times starting in high school. It seems odd to me that a very attractive, caring, personable, well educated man with a great career hasn’t been in love (or perhaps not even had a serious relationship?).

    It weirds me out. I don’t know if I should take it as a sign the relationship is going nowhere if he has commitment phobia. I also feel some pressure; if he does fall in love with me, I’d have to make it extra special as a new experience for him. Any thoughts?

    1. I didn’t fall in love until I was 33. I don’t think this is weird at all. I’m not sure why you do.

      1. +1 I was about OPs age when I first fell in love. I don’t see why this has to have negative implications.

      2. Yes to all the above. I would not go immediately to the “commitment-phobic” assumption, when maybe he has just not met the right person yet.

    2. Don’t escalate this in your mind until you find out what he meant. DO NOT fill in the gaps with your imagination. Just ask some questions and listen to his story.

    3. Honestly, I think a lot of guys his age might say the same thing.

      I truly believe that with a lot of guys…. timing is everything.

      And you’ve been in love 4 times already?!?! Way more than me. How wonderful for you. You sound like a pretty passionate person. Most people are not so lucky, unfortunately.

      1. I’m surprised by these comments – if you have an active dating life in your teens and 20’s, it seems very common to fall in love multiple times, unless you’re in relationships for a long, long time. They were all different, but I was in love three times before dating my SO, which feels like the most satisfying and fulfilling love of the four. I’m in my early 30’s, and didn’t even start dating until I went to college.

        1. Just because it happened to you, does not mean it is common. You are lucky! Most people are not in love with the people they are dating – even longer term relationships. There is often lust or attraction. But deep love is not as common for many people as you might think.

          You are lucky!

        2. Maybe it is common to fall in love multiple times before 30, but I’m I’d bet it’s also common to not do so. I just don’t think either is noteworthy or surprising.

    4. ” I also feel some pressure; if he does fall in love with me, I’d have to make it extra special as a new experience for him.”

      What? No. His falling in love will be extra special in and of itself. Can’t think of any thing more special than being in love with someone. This doesn’t even make sense….How do you make someone’s experience of being in love with you extra special? Unburden yourself of this pressure.

      It’s a bit unusual, but it’s not that surprising to think that a person may have had relationships but, upon further reflection, think they’ve never actually been “in love” with a person, especially if he missed dating in high school/college when emotions were high and it was easy to find those intense emotional relationships. That means something different to everyone. Lots of people say they’re “in love” after a couple months of dating, which to me is crazy.

    5. No, you do not have to make being “in love” an extra special experience for him because its his first time. That’s putting the feeling of being “in love” way, way up there on a pedestal. It’s special, and it’s fun, and it can fuel a lifelong steady growing of genuine, lasting love and commitment. But it’s not the end goal.

    6. I don’t think it is odd. My husband said he had never been in love before he was with me. He had girlfriends and spent a few years (or a decade haha) casually dating, but said he never fell in love. For us, I think it was a matter of both chemistry, personalities clicking, and timing.

    7. I may be too hasty with my assumptions that its common to fall in love prior to ~30, so I appreciate all your feedback and apologize if I’m being judgemental of any of you. I may just be a passionate person. It seems pretty common among my friends/peers in my community to have a first love in HS, college love, then I had a love in grad school in my early 20s, broke up due to different career paths after living together for 2 years. I was then married from 27-31 and broke up due to his infidelity (I’m 33 now). Perhaps my trajectory is unusual!

      I appreciate the suggestion to not fill in the blanks prior to speaking with this guy in person.

    8. I’m 34. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love (maybe was on the verge of falling in love, definitely infatuated, certainly familiar with unrequited love). I’d hope this wouldn’t be an obstacle with the right guy.

      2. Also 33 and same. I’ve done lots of casual dating and garden friends, and had some really crappy boyfriends. No love.

      3. I’m 38 and I have never been in love. I have been in lust, a lot, and I have deeply cared for people, but nothing that I would categorize as in love. I am not someone who has a great range of emotions, generally, so who knows if I will ever fall in love (totally fine with this btw). Obviously, this would not be a turn off to me in a relationship.

        Love means something different to everyone. Don’t project what falling in love means and has meant to you onto him. That’s 100% not fair and is probably setting him up for failure.

    9. You could have knocked me over with a feather when my 40 year old husband – who was married before (!) – told me he had never really been in love until he met me. He said he always had an “easy come, easy go” sense about things. (In response to that, I joked back, “So you think the ladies were all lining up for you and you could replace them, huh?” and he said, no, just that he had never felt as deeply gripped by emotion as by when we got together.)

    10. As a counterpoint, I just spent 4 months with a 31 year old who had never been in a serious relationship before (I’m assuming your guy hasn’t either, as I think love is one of the hallmarks of one). I made excuses to myself that he just hadn’t met the right person, was busy with school/residency, et al, because he told me he could see the relationship going somewhere, and spent all his free time with me. He always kept me at arms length emotionally and was terrified of any kind of commitment. I told myself he just needed time to open up. Nope, he freaked because he thought we should be “escalating” and he wasn’t ready, so he told me he didn’t see it going anywhere and ended things (or rather, offered to date casually). In retrospect, there was a clear lack of emotional maturity.

      Not saying you should end things with this guy, but you should tread carefully, because it’s a definite red flag.

      1. Your situation is what I’m afraid of. This guy has a very high powered job that takes up a lot of time. That’s fine, as mine does too. We make it work. The last guy I dated was also an attorney, but he wanted to meet up all the time, multiple times a week, which was challenging for me. I felt bad I didn’t have time for him, and I wasn’t surprised when it fizzled out after 4 months of dating. We had different needs and expectations about in person time. Realistically I have time for once or twice a week, and current guy and I make plans and stick to them, which works great for both of us.

        I think current guy hasn’t had a serious relationship not only based on the never in love comment, but also because he never met a girlfriend’s mom. If you date someone for months to years, you meet their mom and other family members at some point at family gatherings. He says he met 2 girlfriends moms but the mom didn’t know they were dating. Perhaps they all attended an event together? I don’t know.

        2. Yeah, there are definite similarities here. Mine also has an all-encompassing job, but spent most of his free time with me (so I saw him 3-ish days a week), which seemed fine because we had a mutual interest that we did independently before we met and just started doing together some of the time. I took the fact that he saw me so often as a positive that allowed me to overlook the emotional distance. Is yours willing to make plans, and does he talk about future events (oh, maybe we should do x together when that comes around…), or does he get cagey about things?

          I met mine’s brother and brother’s fiance – I was pretty clearly the first girlfriend they’d met (again, this was a point in his favor, he wouldn’t have introduced me if he weren’t feeling serious about things, right?). His parents were apparently out, though (they came to visit two months in), and when I invited him to an activity that involved my dad, he got weird about it because he wasn’t ready or something. We had a weird talk about a week before it ended, where he mentioned that he was calling me his girlfriend to everyone, and I was like, “am I your girlfriend?” and he got super cagey (and also was like, “my parents said the same thing – oh, so she’s your girlfriend now?).

          Again, these are red flags, so proceed carefully. It may work out, but from my experience, I wouldn’t invest too heavily at this point, unless he’s reciprocating in both effort and being emotionally open.

    11. Sometimes it’s a matter of semantics. I’ve know folks who say they’ve never been in love even though they have had had relationships where they thought they were in love at the time, but those relationships ended and “love lasts forever” so it must not have been true love. I wouldn’t worry about it unless you see other indicators that he isn’t capable or interested in a potentially deep and committed relationship. Love is different things to different people.

      1. This is a good point. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love my SO. But I felt like I was in love at the time.

        1. Word, this. And I wouldn’t be surprised if I had said things like “i’d never really been in love before” because the way I feel about Mr. Rainbow blows the other things outta the water.

    12. Well, it helps explain why he’s single! I actually have a lot of friends who married the first person they fell in love with. I think men are still socialized to act on their feelings and make things happen, and when they fall in love, they do just that.

    13. I met my now-husband at 29 and he was the first person I was ever really in love with. Fwiw, I had been in two serious, long-term relationships in my 20s before my husband. One I said “I love you,” one I didn’t. I don’t think I was consciously lying to the first BF when I said “ILY” but once that relationship had broken up and I looked back on it I realized that I cared about him deeply, but I was not “in love” with him. The second relationship, I was more aware of not saying ILY when I didn’t mean it, so the guy said it to me but I never said it to him.
      I can’t recall if I told my husband when we first started dating that I’d never been in love, but I can see myself saying it. Not that there’s anything wrong with having fewer or more serious relationships, but I think I have a fairly “average” relationship pattern – three serious relationships in my 20s, the last of which ended in marriage. So no, this doesn’t seem weird or a red flag at all. It would be more of a red flag to me if he’d never had a long-term relationship, but even that wouldn’t be an automatic dealbreaker.

      1. I’m so curious and also think I might have the “I cared deeply about you but wasn’t in love with you” hindsight about my current relationship one day. In retrospect, what made you realize you weren’t actually in love with your long-term boyfriend? Thanks for sharing if you’re willing!

        1. Kind of hard to articulate but I’ll try. When I met him, I’d had a series of short-term relationships (flings, really) with guys who wanted to sleep with me, but didn’t really want to be my boyfriend, certainly not a decent boyfriend. When I met this ex-BF he was so kind and respectful and took me on proper dates. He was a good person, who treated me very well and loved me a lot, and he checked a lot of my boxes on paper, but I just never really felt the kind of can’t-live-without-you passion towards him that many of friends did (including physical passion, but not just that). What prompted me to end it was that he wanted to start talking marriage and I was fairly sure I didn’t want to marry him. We were pretty young (23), so a lot of people told me “oh, you don’t want to marry him NOW but that doesn’t meant that you don’t want to marry him ever.” But I knew, deep down, that I didn’t want to marry him ever because I didn’t really believe that this was all there was. I knew there was someone out there that would be a better fit for me. So I broke up with him. And then when I met my husband I was like “Oh so this is what love feels like” and I was 100% sure I’d never been in love before.

          1. This conversation is really opening my eyes to other people’s experiences – my two biggest “loves” were my second serious boyfriend and my SO, and the feelings for the two of them are fairly similar, but I never seriously contemplated marrying my college boyfriend. We had incompatible approaches to problems and didn’t work well together, and we weren’t really friends, although I loved him deeply, and I found out at the end of that relationship that he wanted to marry me. With my SO, though, I had that sheer joy at being around him, the almost drunk feeling of euphoria, AND we are friends who have amazing times together, we have compatible hobbies and interests, we fight well and fairly, we compromise naturally, and we have a lot of similar values. So the feelings for the two are similar, but the practical decision-making about pursuing commitment were very different.

          2. I am LOVING reading about this. Thank you for sharing. And to anyone else who wants to talk about how they were able to differentiate between “I really care about you” and “I love you” – I’m interested and going to keep checking back!

  13. What makes real diamond earrings better than fake studs? Do they actually look or wear differently? I have only owned costume jewelry but wear my studs often and was wondering if it’s worth upgrading.

    1. Can you tell the difference for yourself between CZ and diamonds? If you can’t, I wouldn’t upgrade.

    2. Real diamonds have better light reflecting properties and hardness so they won’t get scratched. Fake ones tend to look cloudy even after cleaning after some wear. There are some good fakes out there though! I prefer to wear real jewelry and would wear nothing before wearing costume jewelry, but I don’t think that is a common view these days especially with statement necklaces now still everywhere. I guess it comes down to personal preference.

    3. I can usually spot fakes. There’s something about the way CZ reflects light that looks different than diamonds. I say *usually* – not always. But I don’t think most people can.

      1. “I don’t think most people can”
        Funny story as evidence of this- the other day I was wearing a fairly large CZ necklace. I don’t wear it very often as it’s a little glitzy for me. I think I got it for 50 bucks or so at a Macy’s sale a few years ago. A coworker I don’t see very often rushed up to me in the hallway and started gushing over my “beautiful diamonds” and how she could tell they must be new because of the sparkle and she “knows fine jewelry.” I had to gently tell her that no, they weren’t diamonds, but thank you for the compliment.
        And I had a little chuckle to myself later.

    4. Honestly, I wouldn’t bother to upgrade!

      I still mostly wear my fakes. They look great and I am less nervous about losing one. I wish I hadn’t spent the money on real ones.

    5. It might also be evident from the setting? Real diamonds tend to be set in gold or platinum, with high-quality settings. Some costume jewelry is plated and the settings look cheaper.

    6. I don’t think many people care or even think about if studs are diamonds vs cz. I wouldn’t upgrade.

    7. Thank you! I think I might just look into a pair of higher quality studs. I’m assuming I can probably find a pair with real gold or at least a plate gold setting…would love some suggestions!

  14. Has anyone else been reading about the orca Tahlequah who has been mourning her calf for over a week? I can’t get this story off my mind for some reason. So heartbreaking.

    1. I feel you, so sad. This type of behavior is really common in the animal kingdom, especially in the dairy industry.

      1. Yes. If you are not vegan, please support the farmers who choose not to separate animals (cows and pigs) from their dependent offspring. It makes a difference.

        3. This is hugely dependent on where you live, but what I’m most comfortable with is visiting the farm (and joining a CSA if they have one!). Also, the animal welfare ratings system at Whole Foods includes a “Step 5” for farms that are “animal centered” and “5+” if the animals live their whole lives on the same farm.

      2. If anyone is looking to make donations, the Whale Museum in Friday Harbor, WA, does good work with outreach, education, and some science particularly on the impact of whale watching and tourism. I’m not going to claim they have the most impactful silver bullet, but they are a 100% focused on Talequah’s family (the Southern Resident population). Also, their “adopt a whale” program is a super cute gift for kids!
        Link to follow.

    3. It’s so awful. Apparently that killer whale population is really dying out because there have been no calves that have survived in several years. It’s so sad :(

  15. About a decade ago, DH and I moved to a city where neither of grew up for job opportunities and we’ve since had 3 kids who are in elementary school. We come from a cultural background where elderly parents expect to be taken care of by their eldest son, which in our case is DH. So now my inlaws (DH’s parents and his grandmother (since DH’s dad is also the eldest son) will be retiring and moving to our city. Until now, they’ve lived a 4 hour flight away and we’ve seen them for about a week a year, so this is a major change. They won’t know anyone in our city and they are homebodies who don’t socialize or have hobbies.

    DH and I both work demanding jobs and we also have kids who play soccer in the next suburb over so we drive around a lot in the evenings. So, now that we are looking for a place for my inlaws, I get to have a say in where I think they should live. They are definitely not living with us. But it may actually be easier for us if they lived closer to us than far away because they tend to need a lot of help with errands, they are not very independent and they will expect us to go to their place (although they can drive, our culture puts it on the kids to make life easier for the elderly and DHs grandma is in her 90s and never leaves the house). They are good to our kids but they have no interest in watching and driving around our kids.

    Then again, if they lived about 25 miles away or more, we would only be able to see them on weekends, which would be easier for me and for DH and might force them to find friends and a community separate from just hanging out with DH and me and our kids.

    Separately, we are trying to decide whether to buy them a small house or rent. They would prefer a house but I would prefer a condo or townhouse as they are not going to want to do yardwork and they are very frugal so DH will likely end up going there to mow the lawn.

    I’d like to hear some tips or advice from others on the board whose parents or inlaws moved close to you, especially if you are from an Asian culture. How far do the parents or inlaws live from you and how often do you see them? Do you take them on all of your family trips? We talk a lot here about being a working mom, but I need advice on being a working daughter in law as this is new territory for me (I never lived near either set of grandparents).

    1. Retirement community. It has a built in community. They can live independently while they’re able and when they need assisted living the transition will be very smooth.

      1. I have suggested it but DH says they will be offended. In their culture, kids should be taking care of their parents and they will consider a retirement community a place full of people who have bad kids and nowhere else to go. They pretty much said as much when they criticized my parents when their parents had to live in assisted living.

          1. Agree with this… now we’ll see how it actually pans out with my controlling, overprotective, too traditional in-laws. We will take care of both sets of parents when they need it (i.e., run out of retirement money or can no longer live independently), but I will not give up my happy family life and a happy childhood for my kids in order to bend to their every whim. Family takes care of family, but that doesn’t give family the right to demand anything.

            Signed,
            South Asian DIL who is from the same cultural and religious background as DH but was raised by parents with more realistic thoughts on retirement in America

        2. My inlaws live in a 55+ community, which is basically like a single family home development where they have a rec center/gym/pool and never have to shovel snow or mow the grass. Is it possible that your in laws are thinking of something else, or is that precisely the thing they are rejecting?

        3. Retirement community and assisted living are not synonymous. They can have their own condo or even single family home within a retirement community. It’s not different than renting a single family home elsewhere in the city except they don’t have to do any home maintenance, which elderly relatives really should see as a positive.

      2. How about an active adult community vs independent living in a retirement “home”?

        My ILs live in a 55+ gated community on a golf course. They have a house but it functions like a condo- the community does the maintenance. They drive themselves to dr appts and the like, but there is a big restaurant (also shared by the golfers) where they can go out to dinner if they want (they go like once a month). It forced my MiL to get hobbies (she’s the treasurer of the garden club), and they met a bunch of other seniors ranging 60-80. Most people love into some kind of facility once they get to need actual care.

        They moved in when MIL was 56 and FIL was 65 and have been there for 11 years. They’re still super happy.

        1. My parents lived in one of those places for years and they loved it.

          They’re still mad at me for “forcing” them to move to assisted living in their 90s.

    2. My BFF is in a similar situation. They were able to find a townhome within walking distance to their house (20 minute walk). The townhome development has a condo board and includes snowclearing and lawn mowing. Downside is backyard cannot be fenced and grass only but MIL is happy with container gardening on the deck. FIL doesn’t walk over but MIL does sometimes and it’s actually helpful because she’ll sometimes bring food or watch the kids a bit.

      Expect the first 6 months to be an adjustment period and remember that the decisions you make now don’t have to be permanent. You can adjust the arrangements if needed. Try to connect them with their local cultural community if possibile. At the beginning that may involve DH taking them and a kid or two along for various community events.

    3. My parents moved from the suburbs to a new city in a condo building near my family. I was surprised but they love it! No lawn work, they can park in the building and not get rain/ snowed on, pool in the complex, etc.
      Depending on your city, there might be a community center with similar families that they could be close to and attend for activities during the day. I would also think about the location of doctor visits and how they and the grandmother would be able to travel there.
      As far as family trips, my parents are still active and take plenty of their own trips since they have more time and flexibility in retirement. However, we do a family beach week every year.

      1. Not just townhouses – several retirement communities in my area have single family homes with up to three bedrooms.

    5. I second the retirement community, if they’re open to it. Research the ones in your area (they go by different names). My grandmother moved into one and it changed her life. The activities and friendships were really important to her mental acuity. That said, she was very open to the change and didn’t put up a fight. I’m not sure what I’d do if they resist that suggestion.

    6. I really, really sympathize with your situation.

      What are the financial constraints?

      Ideally, if money was no option, they would move into a lovely CCRC (retirement community with all levels of care – and now they would be living independently) which would costs thousands every month. Then if grandma gets sick, she can move briefly to the Nursing wing for care and physical therapy, then move back. And as your parents age, they can get more services/cleaning/meals etc… But this costs a fortune, often with a buy in, so it is not likely an option.

      Do not buy them a house that you will have to maintain, unless you are willing to PAY someone to do the shoveling/mowing/maintenance. You will quickly begin to resent that your husband’s precious free time will be spent doing these mundane things. Then who is going to do the same at your house?!?!? 3 bedroom condo would be best, so if they need to hire a live in caregiver or have someone come visit (grandchildren sleep overs!), there is space. I would rent initially and see how it goes?

      I would vote on having them closer, but still only seeing them on weekends (even that is a lot…. every weekend?!?), with phone check ins during the week. Why waste time commuting? And as they age and need more care, you may need to go there more often. Maybe the grandkids can eventually do visits on their own if it is close, or maybe grandparents could ?help with child care etc…

      When they arrive, call your local department of Aging and ask for a home social worker visit to determine what resources/benefits they may be eligible for.

      Is there a local community with similar cultural beliefs near you?

    7. I think they should move very close by, b/c if you wind up haveing to take care of them, the last thing you need is a commute. You do NOT want to take them into your home (understandabley), but it is your responsibility to take care of them b/c they took care of you (or DH, as the case may be).

      So grin and bear it, and remember that you will become old, and your children will have to take care of you!

    8. I’m not Asian, but I am the parent to my own mother (aka, she’s flighty and innocently irresponsible – not sure how I made to adulthood, anywho) and intimately involved in my grandparents’ care.

      1) Retirement communities can be crushingly expensive. In Florida, a little 2 bedroom house with a small kitchen, laundry area, and little back porch was $6k per month last year. They had access to all the “amenities,” meals in the communal dining room, and people used golf carts to get around the community, but there were emergency call buttons throughout the house if you needed them. When grandpa died and grandma moved into a more full-time facility, that was also $6k per month for an 800 sq ft apartment with home health aides on duty.

      2) As for regular housing, RENT. Rent rent rent. Trust me that you do not want to deal with the roof/windows/stove and on and on. The logistics of, “Oh crap, there’s a leak. Who do we call? Well, can he come out tomorrow? Ok, we’ll need three estimates. Who else can we call? Crap, he didn’t show up.” is soooo not something you want, esp with demanding jobs and kids. Renting is (ideally) just one phone call to a landlord/PM company.

    9. I’m Caucasian and I know there are different expectations in Asian families (my best friends are of Chinese and Indian descent), so I don’t know how helpful this will be but I’ll tell you my plans. My parents are in their late 60s and still working. They plan to retire in the next two-three years and move to my city, when they’ll be around 70. When they do, they’ll move into a retirement community less than a mile from my house. I know some people equate retirement communities with nursing homes, but they’re very different. The one near us actually has standalone homes that more independent senior citizens can live in. If they don’t choose to take advantage of the social activities, they’d never know they were in a retirement community, except for the fact that things like house cleaning, snow removal and lawn mowing are included (which my parents and I all see as a big positive – DH and I hire those things out at our house, but we use a different company for each service and finding and managing all of them takes a fairly significant amount of time). My parents are healthy and active and will hopefully remain that way, but when they need nursing services they won’t have to move very far.

      We only have one kid, so we’re juggling quite a bit less than you, but I’m hopeful that my parents will be able to help us with childcare. If they move before our daughter starts public school, they’d probably keep her home from daycare one day/week to watch her. Once she’s in kindergarten, they would probably get her at school every day and watch her for an hour or two until DH or I can get her. I’m pretty sure she can even take the school bus to their retirement community if they reach a point where they no longer feel great about driving.

      Once they’re really elderly and no longer able to do childcare, I still expect I would visit several times a week, if not every day. From seeing my grandparents age, I know how lonely it gets once you’re physically or mentally disabled and how much even a 15 minute visit can brighten your day. That’s part of why I want them so close, so I can visit for 15 minutes on my way home from work, and it’s really only taken 15 minutes out of my day, not an hour or more.

      I know I’ve been talking about my parents, but I would be willing to do a similar thing for my in-laws. I don’t want either parents or in-laws living with us, especially not my in-laws.

      As far as vacations, I don’t think it would change much. We currently vacation mostly separately (my parents love to travel), but every 2-3 years we do a vacation with my parents. If they reach a point where they’re less able to vacation alone, we’d consider taking them on more of our vacations, but once they get to that point they probably won’t be doing much traveling at all.

    10. Not Asian, so I cannot comment on the cultural aspect, but we’re in this position with my MIL right now. Added bonus that she really wants to live in our general vicinity/school district, allegedly on the basis that then our kids could take the bus home to her place if they wanted (not even sure that’s something that’s allowed nowadays though to switch bus routes), but our school district is HOT and the prices are insane, even on townhouses. We bought several years ago and have a nice home, but nothing crazy. But for what we spent, you could now get only a townhome or a much smaller (like 1000-1500 sq. foot smaller) detached home. I am having real trouble stomaching paying what it will take for her to live close, but am wondering how far away she could be and still make this move worthwhile for both her and us. It’s a challenge. No good answers for you, but I empathize with the balancing aspect. Do your inlaws drive? Or is there any public transport there?

    11. You say that they aren’t independent, but they also have been in a different city until now. So then how have they been getting by? Is there anything you can replicate from their old arrangement to this one? Did they live in a community with their countrymen before, and is there such a community in your city now? Have they said what it is they wanted? Have your husband discussed anything with them? It’s hard to say what will work for you and your family as every family is different, even if we’re all Asian. For example, my Asian culture is such that one child will live WITH the parents, not near. Sometimes that’s the oldest, but it’s common for it to be the youngest as they’re typically the last to get married thus don’t have the chance to bolt ;-) somehow we make it work, even if there’s friction.

    12. Rent. We moved my older MIL down the street from us and she has enjoyed not having to worry about home repairs and maintenance (apartment complex). Plus, we have a lot of flexibility in case her needs changes. It’s much easier to break a lease than it is to sell a house.

    13. I am not from an Asian culture, but I live near my in-laws (two sets, since DH’s parents are divorced and remarried). One set of in-laws lives 5 minutes away, and the other set lives 20 minutes away. We are at the point where we sometimes have care-taking/helping out responsibilities, especially when health problems flare up. For us, it is easier to have in-laws very close. It’s much easier to drive over and fix a quick thing at the house, take them a meal, or give them a ride somewhere when they’re a few minutes away.

      I would rent, not buy. Needs can change very quickly. Also, they need to be in a situation where they can either do the maintenance, pay someone for the maintenance, or have lawn care done as part of the rental agreement. That may be possible to find with a single-family house, but if not, then I would look for something in between a house and a condo, like a unit in a duplex or triplex.

    14. Disagree with those saying to tell them in person. I would have liked a text or email sometime not during a busy workday, so I could have processed in my own time and not had to put on the happy face right away. They will be happy for you, but for the one without kids especially, it will be a reminder of what she doesn’t have.

  16. I need some advice – I’m expecting my first baby (8 weeks) and am having a hard time with figuring out how to tell some specific people –

    My SIL has struggled to get pregnant and has had 2 successful IVF babies. They found out a few days ago that their attempt at doing IVF again failed (after another failure a month ago)…And my good friend is also wanting to have biological children, but has been unsuccessful for approx. 3 years now and is doctoring. I obviously am excited/happy about our news, but so so so badly want to be sensitive to these people close to me who are hurting. Any words of wisdom?

    1. I would just tell them. I was the one struggling to get pregnant and I just wanted my friends to share their news with me like normal. Sure, it was painful in a way, but there’s really nothing you can do about that.

    2. As someone who struggles with infertility, first let me say that your kindness and sensitivity is really appreciated and sweet.

      For me, I wanted to just be told and not to be treated differently as it would just make me feel worse about my own issues and about potentially being a source of concern for someone I love in their time of joy.

    3. I can’t say I’ve had to deal with this issue personally on either end, but my SIL did some research about how to share the news with those who have struggled to get pregnant or who have lost pregnancies. She told me that what she read suggested: sharing the news in person, gently, at a time when there wasn’t a large crowd present (or anyone other than the two couples at issue), and at a time of the evening/gathering when it would be at least moderately appropriate for the person hearing the news to excuse themselves and head home. In my SIL’s case, she ended up sharing news of a missed miscarriage with our friend who has been (unsuccessfully) trying for years to get pregnant at all. It went very well, and they can talk openly about all of the ups and downs now.

    4. I think the big thing is to just tell them your news but not go on and on like you’re the first woman who’s ever been pregnant, and especially not to complain about minor problems that are a normal part of pregnancy. I’ve struggled with infertility. I’ve been very happy for close friends who’ve announced pregnancies. What really gets tiring is when they wont’ stop whining about morning sickness or random aches and pains. I have one child and the annoyances and pains of pregnancy and birth are nothing compared to the pain of wanting a(nother) child and not being able to have one.

    5. Honestly, she’s HAD two successful IVF babies already? My sympathy for her “struggles” in having a third is low – enjoy your healthy family and move on – and I don’t think you need to tiptoe around it at all. My advice would be different for someone who hadn’t had fertility success, but c’mon – it’s a little much at this point.

    6. second all the comments to say if in person, and if possible 1-1. I’m going through IVF now, and very happy for my pregnant friends, but if you pick me on a day of hormone surges, I don’t know how I’d react

    7. I think it’s really sweet of you to think about this. I didn’t have trouble getting pregnant, but I had trouble staying pregnant (which is it’s own kind of he!!), so I feel like I can comment a bit. I think one on one is preferred, and by email or text if you particularly know that someone wants to be alone with their emotions about this, but beyond that, I feel like there’s only so much you can do and control for. At some point, people struggling with this do need to exist in the world and understand that the world can’t cater to them. You’re allowed to get pregnant and you’re allowed to be excited about it.

    8. As someone struggling with infertility, and having what seems like everyone close to me become pregnant in the past 6 months (sister – her second baby, best friend, other friend, other friend and other friend)… I would suggest just telling the news like normal but giving those who you know are struggling a pass on being overly excited. I am truly excited and happy for my friends and family, but I also can only produce a limited amount of external enthusiasm when each announcement stings a bit.

    9. I agree that you should tell them (better than keeping the news secret or having them hear it from someone else). As for the “how,” the most common advice is to provide these types of announcements in a way that does not demand an immediate and unreserved response — so email and text is better than a phone call or in person, so that the person who is struggling can process their own emotions before responding to you. If it can at all be avoided, definitely don’t subject them to a big group in-person reveal.

      Having been in your friend/SIL’s shoes, I can say that was definitely preferred approach for me. I was thrilled for my friends, but also very sad for ME. I needed the private time to process so that I could then give their happy news the enthusiasm it deserved.

  17. I need to get a cyst removed on my scalp and it will need to be bandaged for two days. Removal is on a Tuesday. I’m already planning on not going back to work afterward, but it feels stupid to take a sick day because I have a bandage on my head. I have a pixie cut so I can’t arrange my hair to cover it. Judging from a similar removal I had previously (but I had longer hair, and it was in a different spot), it will be a small white gauze bandage. I don’t think a hat or headscarf would work – I don’t really have anything, and I never wear anything like that to work so it would be odd. I purposefully do not have any client-facing meetings the next day, and would only be in our eight person office (but walking through the halls of our larger building to use the restroom etc).

    If it makes a difference, I work in a hospital setting, so it’s less weird to walk around with a bandaged head, I guess? I’m sure I’m over-thinking this.

    1. I would much rather see a head bandage than an open wound. Stop overthinking this, go to work. If people ask just say you had to have a skin biopsy (unless the cyst was really visible, then just call it what it was), and whatever you do, avoid any gross details.

    2. A Fascinator? :) Sorry, I know that’s probably not helpful. I’d probably just suck it up and deal with it for a couple of days, as uncomfortable as it might be. Would a wide headband cover the area?

    4. You are overthinking it, don’t worry about it. In college I had to get stitches in my forehead and had a bandage for a few days. People may ask what happened, you don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to. Just carry on like its not there.

    5. Yes, you are overthinking it. You’re saying it’s a small white bandage, not a turban-sized wrap. Go back to work afterward, say you had a mole removal if anyone asked, and then literally never think of it again.

    6. I’ve had some things removed from my face, and occasionally had stitches and/or bandages on my face. People definitely notice, but rarely say anything. And if they do, I just say something to the effect of, “yeah, the dermatologist removed a mole and it needs a few days to heal.” It’s really no big deal.

    7. I think you’re overthinking it. If you do decide you want to go to work, just wear the bandage.

    8. I wouldn’t worry about that at all. Sometimes people wear bandages at work (legal field) and I think nothing of it.

    10. I don’t think its a big deal. A coworker of mine had stitches from a mole removal on her neck, and she preemptively told us. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have said anything. Best wishes for a smooth procedure!

    12. I think you should trust people to understand that you have a human body with skin. If they don’t, that’s on them, not you. ;)

    13. Can you work from home the next day?

      I think the bandage is totally fine, but ultimately in this situation I think you need to decide what is comfortable for you. If you will feel distracted and self-conscious all day, then the head bandage is detracting from your ability to be your best self professionally.

    14. I had an ear operation (wear sunscreen so you don’t have to have reconstructive surgery!) and had it literally taped to my head for 2 months. People didn’t say a word…mostly because it didn’t look awesome but not once was I concerned about professionalism.

    15. I just had a cyst/bump/whatever removed two weeks ago, right on my forehead, front and center. People noticed my band aid, but everyone was fine with it – we’re all human and maybe it’ll cause someone to make sure something they’ve been avoiding is worth checking out!

  18. Update on mold in my mattress – the manufacturer does NOT cover it. Warning, never buy a Greensleep mattress because it will cost you an arm and a leg and be covered in mold within 4 years even when you don’t live in a humid climate and when you have never had any mold issues with any other mattress. So frustrating.

    1. Ugh! I was thinking of your post as we are looking for a new mattress. I have literally never heard of mold in a mattress (though people were saying it’s apparently common?) and that’s so gross. I’m glad you discovered it but annoyed on your behalf.

      1. I am too. We splurged on a quality mattress thinking we’d have it for 10-15 years, if not more. Guess I’m the sucker who fell for the marketing.

      1. They said “mold or mildrew is never covered by any manufacturer because you can’t know what caused it.” All I know is that this is the first (and hopefully only) time this has ever happened to me and that I cannot think of anything that might have caused it.

    3. I’m sorry. Thank you for the warning–crossing this brand off my list of mattress research.

  19. Any suggestions for a corporate gift around $100? It’s for employees, not clients. (And yes, I know, cash/gift cards, but that’s not possible. It has to be a thing.)

    1. Sounds like you need suggestions for a gift that can be easily flipped for cash or gift cards!

    2. We recently had a choice of these three very popular items:
      Patagonia Vest
      Google Home Device/Amazon Alexa thing
      YETI tumbler/growler
      High End external battery pack
      Huge Yankee candle set

    3. Something consumable – I always like the harry and David fruit, I think they just put together a better gift basket than other places.

  20. I bought a pair of skinny ankle pants from Loft 6 months ago and the seams came apart at the crotch this week. I always wash them on gentle and dry them on low. This is unacceptably poor quality, and I won’t be shopping there again.

      1. +1

        I am so grateful that Loft has pants that actually fit my curvy figure, and are dirt cheap when the have sales and made from a substantial, flattering, professional fabric, that I happily have fixed the hems, buttons, seams when needed. I have 5 pairs.

        You could bring it back and complain but ? Loft is practically fast fashion, so…..

        And I never, ever dry pants in a drier and wash all clothes on delicate. And I only wash pants when the are dirty and truly need it. Steaming, irons, hanging well and airing out, alcohol sprays occasionally.

        Love Loft pants.

        1. If clothes can’t go in a dryer, I don’t buy them. I don’t have time to baby my wardrobe, nor do I want drying racks all over the house for my pets to mess with.

          1. Your choice. Your clothes simply wont last as long.

            I have one nice drying rack from Costco that everything easily fits on.

            To each their own. I on the other hand don’t want pets around messing with my wardrobe!

  21. This.

    If that’s not an option, I’d look for a home that has no yard and no stairs. Probably would avoid a townhouse for that reason. They’re mobile now, but that can change easily.

  22. I think I have a migraine coming on– I haven’t had one in over 15 years, but I’ve started to see spots, etc. and the light is making it worse. I can go take a nap in my car at lunch but need to make it through the next 90 min or so. I just drank about a gallon of water.

    What else helps? Caffeine? Tylenol? I have a standard medicine cabinet within arms reach.

    2. In the past, Tylenol has been sufficient to get me though until I could get to a dark room and get some sleep.

      I hope your migraine subsides soon!

    3. Caffeine + Blood thinner (aspirin) + OTC Pain killer. I think all the standard OTC pain med brands make a combo like this, I usually go for Excedrine Migraine. Hugs from fellow migraine sufferer.

    4. Excedrin Migraine if you have it or can bum it off a coworker. It is by far the most effective for a traditional migraine – both my regular doctor and eye doctor (I suffer from ocular symptoms) said so. Also take the Excedrin Migraine with hot (not scalding) water. My PCP told me that, although no one knows why, observational studies have shown that it makes the medicine work faster.

    5. Cold packs help me if you have access to any frozen packs. I also get some relief from very spicy food and have been known to eat spoonfuls of Tabasco sauce. Other than that, pain pills and dark, quiet areas.

    6. Advil and try a decongestant. Sometimes its my sinuses that cause mine – allergies, etc.

    7. Caffeine. Hydration. Food if you haven’t eaten in a while. Close your eyes and practice relaxation. Will yourself to unwind.

    8. I drank about 3 liters of water, ate some salty pretzels, drank (chugged) 2 cups of coffee, took Tylenol and ate a banana. Started to feel slightly better and then napped for an hour over lunch.

      I’m cured! Thank you all.

  23. My new firm is having a welcome dinner for me and another associate starting at the same time in a few weeks. Problem is that I have no idea what to wear. The dinner is on a Saturday at a nice-ish restaurant– people have business dinners there frequently after work in business formal clothes but I’ve also been there before with my husband wearing jeans + dressy top. All I know about this is that there is a cocktail hour and then dinner.

    Based on reading posts on here before, I’ve gathered that I should probably wear some sort of business cocktail attire, but I’m not really sure what that means and I’d prefer to wear something I already have. Would any of these work?

    –Everlane Wrap Dress in Black (https://www.everlane.com/products/womens-jpnese-goweave-ss-mini-wrap-dress-black?collection=dresses)
    –Of Mercer Riverside Dress in Green (doesn’t seem like a summer color to me) (https://www.ofmercer.com/products/black-riverside-dress)
    –Ann Taylor Black Sheath Dress (https://www.anntaylor.com/petite-seasonless-stretch-boatneck-sheath-dress/444194)
    — Blue Loft dress like this (https://poshmark.com/listing/LOFT-Teal-Textured-Flutter-Sleeve-Aline-Dress-5b0d712636b9de1740578d9f?campaign_id=1078607739&enable_guest_buy_flow=true&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-o_bBRCOARIsAM5NbIMfidO0e7VOR3iX5mUn1kw_6Fa4TmGnGBzKxA8r_RWgVU-r2PEUyYkaAn6-EALw_wcB&gdm_bottom=false&l_con=PREOWNED%2FUSED&utm_campaign=1078607739&utm_source=gdm)

    Also, do I wear more fun jewelry since this isn’t on a work day and do I wear dressy sandals or work shoes?

    1. I’ve never heard of a welcome dinner on a Sat. I’d go with one of the black dresses, black pumps/flats (work shoes?), and fun jewelry. Maybe bring a colorful wrap that you can wear or stash in your bag as appropriate.

      1. Yeah, that is my issue. It would be easier if this was right after work. I think the reason it is a Saturday is that all the partners have trials in the next 4-6 weeks and scheduling during the week was too difficult. It’s a small litigation boutique, so I think they wanted to make sure all the partners could come.

      2. I disagree with black – I’d wear color, but I’d stick with a wrap or sheath dress. I’m a shoe person, so I’d probably wear more fun heels than a sedate black pump, but not sandals.

    2. I think a relatively conservative C8cktail dress and wedges/heels (or flats if you are more comfy in those) with dramatic jewelry or a pretty scarf is exactly what I’d wear to this. Maybe with a bright red lipstick if that’s the sort of thing you’re into.

      Normally I’d say a weekend event could be more casual, but the fact that there’s a c*cktail hour before dinner even starts definitely suggests it will be a more fancy event. You can always ask one of the other younger associates what the vibe was like for their’s.

    3. Oooh the Ann Taylor dress is so pretty! I think I’d choose something like that, because it can read both work-y and c0cktail-y. I would carry a pretty, fancy clutch and wear shoes that are a little more fun than work shoes.

  24. I need a moisturizer I can wear under my makeup. I have pretty oily skin, especially by my nose, forehead, and chin. I currently just use a Milani primer and my Estee Lauder Doublewear foundation, followed by a NYX mattifying loose powder, but my skin always feels dry and tight under my makeup. Can anyone recommend a moisturizer I can use that won’t make me more oily – a mattifying moisturizer, if such a thing exists? Thanks, friends!

    1. I quite like the priming moisturizer from Glossier. It’s really light but still feels very moisturizing.

      1. Their priming moisturizer has retinol in it. You might find that your skin will get more sensitive or irritated over time while using it. You should also definitely use sunscreen over it.

    2. Maybe a moisturizing gel would work for you? I like Drunk Elephant B-Hydra, I’ve heard good things about Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel. If your skin feels dry and tight, I’m inclined to its dehydrated and needs hyaluronic acid. I would recommend Hada Labo Premium Lotion (its called “lotion” but its more of a liquidy/gel texture) to wear under moisturizer. Put it on while your skin is still wet, pat it into skin (google it you’ll see what I’m talking about) until it starts to “stick”, and then follow directly with moisturizer.

    3. If you have oily skin and it still feels tight it is probably dehydrated, which leads to more oil production. Try a hyaluronic acid serum and simple moisturizer to start. The Ordinary makes super inexpensive versions of both of these.

    4. I like Clinique’s Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel. It’s not mattifying, per se, but it does not get greasy and gross and works great under makeup. I allow it to sink in about 5-10 minutes before applying foundation, which also helps.

    5. If you’re not already using SPF, I really like the Tizo tinted sunscreen. I have oily skin, and in the summer that’s all I need in terms of moisturizer. (In the winter, I layer it with the daily cetaphil moisturizer.) It lays really well under makeup and doesn’t seem to add to the general oiliness of my face.

  25. I’m unexpectedly facing a few free hours late this afternoon, and I badly need a brow/lip wax. Can anyone recommend a good walk-in place in north Atlanta?

      1. Seconding Sweet Peach. They have both Buckhead and Sandy Springs locations, depending on where you are in North Atlanta. I get all of my waxing done there. I use Jenny at the Buckhead location, but have had good experiences with all of their techs.

    2. Must it be a wax? I like Unique Threading – easy walk in places all over town including one in Buckhead.

  26. My adult 24 year old child told me she got a job in another city thousands of miles away after the end of a grad program and never expects to live anywhere near my husband or me again. I know adults can and should live where they like but I am so sad. I have a happy marriage and great career so am not lonely or dependent in general. Any advice to get through this?

    1. She’s at an age where breaking away from her hometown seems exciting and she’s probably getting a rush out of making a statement that declares her independence. Who knows what life will bring – she may not ever live near you again, or she may end up moving back home, or anything in between. That doesn’t mean you can’t still be close! I live far from my mom and we talk all the time. Don’t worry!

    2. My young-adult son is now living in Asia for 2 years with an awesome, prestigious opportunity. I miss him like crazy but with FaceTime you can talk all the time.

    3. She’s 24. If my view of life was the same as it was then…

      Be excited for her! She’s coming into her own!

    4. You get through this by going through the feelings of loss. Go ahead and grieve this and accept the conflicting emotions and thoughts. You know this is good for your daughter, but at the same time, it’s painful for you. You can stay close to her and talk often, but it’s not the same as being with someone in person. Having your daughter grow up and REALLY move away is the end of a season, and a certain way of being family together. You grieve that. It’s a genuine loss. You won’t stay stuck in the grief and a new way of being family will open up, but for now …it’s hard.

    5. It is part of her flexing her wings. Let her go, she will come back to you. Be open and available to any mode of communication – email, snapchat, whatever. Then let her go! Continue to live your great life!

      1. I’d also recommend that you not publically complain about “your” pain to your friends and relatives IN FRONT of your daughter. I’ve seen that happen and that broke up the relationship further and made the ‘leaver’ even more determined to NEVER come back. (They didn’t).

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