Coffee Break: Counter Stool

91 Comments

1. Looking to donate used clothing and old costume jewelry. Any suggestions for where in Manhattan I can do so? Nothing is terribly expensive so no resale value at a consignment store, and Housing Works only took 1 dress. I just don’t want it all to end up in a landfill if there’s a more environmentally friendly use for it. I have about 1.5 large trash bags of clothing, several necklaces, earrings, and bracelets, and 2 pairs of shoes.

   1. If you live on the Upper East Side, you can go to Good Will on Second Avenue, or you can call the Salavation Army and they can tell you where to bring it. If you have heavier stuff, like furniture, they will come and get it! YAY for the Salavation Army!

   2. Perhaps a school with a theatre department that could use it for costuming?

   3. Is there a reason Goodwill is not an option?

      1. I heard that a lot of donation to them end up landfills because they get SO MUCH stuff. I had heard of a Planet Aid Bins but there isn’t one near me so was looking for something similar. If I’m wrong and Goodwill is a good option, that takes care of that and I’ll drop them off today.

         1. Planet Aid is an actual cult that has been banned in certain countries. Google it. They’re not the answer.

         2. It’s true that most clothes sold at Goodwill aren’t sold at retail outlets. But whatever Goodwill can’t sell, either at retail or auction, they sell by the pound to a textile recycler. Supposedly, what ends up in the landfill are clothes that the recyclers can’t recycle because they’re wet or moldy.

         3. If they’re truly wearable, Goodwill will sell it. They send a number of donations to the landfill or overseas because people donate 8 year old Old Navy t-shirts with holes and stains, they don’t discard nice clothing. Selling clothing and household items is how they support their mission, not sending things to the landfill. They would get a minimal value for bales of cr@p clothing they send to textile recyclers, but they aren’t going to send a nice special occasion dress there when they could get $20 for it instead of pennies.

   4. Textile recycling at your local green market (I.e., farmers market). Also, goodwill.

      1. H&M also takes clothes for recycling!

         1. Recycling is your best bet. Consignment stores are totally overrun (I’m on the board of a nonprofit that runs one).

   5. There’s a Salvation Army on 46th St that will take donations. You can do textile recycling for clothing.

   6. Bottomless Closet

2. Dress for Success!

3. I’m a fellow Episcopalian/ professional woman/ regular reader in your city! Would very much like to connect offline, especially after reading your comments on this morning’s thread. We are goodreads friends and I’m sending you a message there.

   1. This is the OP, just commenting to say that if you are having trouble making friends as a working adult, I FEEL YOU IT IS SO HARD OMG

      1. It really is! As a 49 year old who has lived in three different cities, the only sure way I’ve made friends effortlessly over past 20+ years is through graduate school, exercise classes and having a child (i.e. other parents).

4. Talk to me about dresses. In this morning’s thread, fit and flare was universally panned as not looking serious enough, and that sheaths are far more appropriate for looking and feeling mature and professional.

   I absolutely want to look professional and be taken seriously. But the whole reason I started wearing fit and flare is because off the rack sheaths simple won’t fit my curvy body. And tailored, I might as well twerk my way into a meeting. And yes, I’ve tried multiple times, with very well-regarded tailors in my area.

   What am I doing wrong? Or should I really not wear dresses to work?

   1. If you like the fit and flare and are being taken seriously at work, then rock them. I wear them sometimes (mix in with sheath dresses), and I truly don’t think anyone has ever judged those as looking less serious. Sometimes adding a blazer or jardigan makes it look more business-like.

   2. You aren’t doing anything wrong. The women who pan fit and flare are the ones thin enough or without front and back assets enough to pull one off. I am curvy and cusp plus size and continue to wear fit and flare and look good doing so. Screw them they don’t know our struggles. Fit and flare is a classic style, you just have to flow with the modern cut. For example, smoother lines on fit and flare are more popular now, so go for those that come out from the waist with no extra floof -i.e. where the extra gathered fabric just flows from the waist.

      1. Alright, there’s no need to be mean to people with different body types! I love fit and flare dresses. they look lovely and work appropriate on me, but they do read young on some people and some body types. No one is saying no one should wear them to work – they were suggesting to one particular commenter who was having a particular problem that switching away might be the answer.

         1. This.

            Nobody was attacking anybody in this morning’s post.

      2. Hey, super curvy here, lots of junk in this trunk, and I also think fit and flare generally doesn’t look as professional as sheath cuts. There are exceptions of course – recently I’ve seen lots of great dresses like you describe, with modern cuts, and more slight fit and flares, but generally, anything that has so much fabric that it creates folds when it falls looks more casual to my eye. Until fairly recently, “fit and flare” has meant 50’s cut housewife dresses, so it’s forgivable that most people don’t think they look very professional. Personally, I love sheath/pencil cuts, and I get them heavily tailored to fit my waist and fall straight from my backside.

   3. This is a good example of a fit and flare dress with slimmer lines that I think is more office appropriate and perfectly polished:

      https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-elbow-sleeve-keyhole-fit-and-flare-dress/id_321474?sku_0=::VJ1

      1. that’s really an A-line dress… not fit and flare.

         the issue with fit-and-flare dresses, IMO, is when they fall above the knee. in that case, they tend to look juvenile and inappropriate for work.

      2. I’m currently wearing a dress that shape and would not really call it f-n-f. I think of a more Modcloth/retro silhouette (https://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/fabulous-fit-and-flare-dress-with-pockets-in-grey-plaid/156387.html) when I think of fit and flare, while you’ve linked a dress I would call a-line.

   4. Yes, this. I am, like the poster this morning, round (and definitely plus sized, not cusp, with a pear shape). Most sheaths can’t be tailored to fit, because the top would have to be taken in so much. (Yes, I have consulted a knowledgeable seamstress.) I prefer wearing pants, but those are incredibly challenging as well.

      I think fit and flare, as long as it’s a nice fabric in a serious color–not a twee print and not too full or short in the skirt–is professional. My office is business casual, tending toward casual, though.

   5. LOL at twerking into a meeting…I’d be doing the same thing. I wear fit and flare to work. I think they’re fine. I look for less flare, not, like, cheerleader levels of flare.

   6. IME, curvy women can look professional in sheath dresses, but it’s trickier to find the right one. For me, a sturdy fabric like wool plus lining really helps. Also, the skirt of the dress should fall straight down from the hips, not curve back in like Claire Underwood’s. And, yes, some tailoring is probably going to be necessary.

      FWIW, I think a fit and flare dress with a blazer is professional, as long as the “flare” isn’t too wide. Fit and flare is less formal, but it’s fine for most offices and occasions. The OP this morning was specifically concerned about her wardrobe looking juvenile–if that’s not you, I say keep wearing what works for you.

      1. That was my concern. I do definitely look young, and I’m short. At my first management job (10 years ago), I was being introduced to my staff and one of them asked if I was their new intern. So I definitely need to look as authoritative as possible.

   7. Yeah, I’d be twerking right there with you. I wear all the Calvin Klein fit and flare/A-line style dresses. Anything remotely sheath-y attracts the wrong attention on my figure.

   8. The policing of what is and isn’t professional in women’s dresses is so tiring. Yes, fit and flare can be professional. You know what looks best on your body, strangers on the internet don’t get to decide that for you. I wear fit and flare to my biglaw office when I find a fit and flare dress that looks good on me. People take me seriously. It’s not a problem.

      1. OMG! Nobody was issuing blanket edicts.

   9. I look for princess-seamed “fit and flare” dresses, and ones in soft fabrics that drape. Longer is definitely better. Stiff “fit-and-flare” styles which also have the waist seam (so really a seamed-together bodice and skirt) that make you look like a lampshade are more casual/young, especially ones that are short. I have an acquaintance in my personal life who is 50+ and likes mid-thigh fit-and-flare dresses in stiff fabrics. Shorts are essential in that combination. They are in a creative field so can get away with it but the look would not play well in a more business dress office.

      1. I have a couple of sheath dresses that work, from St John and Lafayette 148. They each have enough room in the skirt that I’m not featuring my derrière. I am a pear with a two size waist to hip differential.

   10. I fear I started this? But I was speaking to my experience, and my body, and how I want to be perceived … (though to 4:21 who suggested that I don’t like them because I *can’t* fill them out, ah lol if only!) There are plenty of times when people on this site make strange and rigid edicts, but I certainly didn’t intend this to be one. My experience, as a cusp-sized hourglassy lady, is that fit-and-flare (like, 50’s style, with a defined waist at the waist and a flare below it) reads young on me. So I avoid it. At work. It’s certainly on the table for date night (-:

5. Does anyone have suggestions for low-key ways to celebrate an anniversary? We live in a pretty small town without much to do and I’m b-feeding our baby every 2-3 hours, so doing a fancy date night out in the big city an hour away isn’t very practical. Our anniversary is on a Sunday, and we’re returning from a visit to my parents the day before, so we will have to do a fair amount of chores and stuff to get ready to go to work the next day, but I’d still like to do something nice to mark the day.

   1. If you don’t want to go out, then maybe you could exchange cards/gifts, order food in, light some candles, and have a nice meal while baby is napping.
      And I know you didn’t ask, but you MIGHT be able to feed baby less often. I personally BF baby that often for much longer than I needed to, simply because I didn’t know I could feed less often as baby got older. I wish I had asked my doctor sooner so I could have slept more! obvi your baby may need to eat more, in which case, just ignore me.

      1. Thanks! She ate this often as a newborn then stretched out feedings when she was around 3 months but now she’s 5 months and hungry all the time. She goes insane if we go longer than about 2.5 hours without feeding. We need to do solids soon but not sure it will happen in the next week.

   2. I would go out for a nice lunch. Depending on your baby, maybe try to time it to a nap or feed baby right before so you can have a glass of wine/champagne. A picnic in the park would also be nice and easy enough. Congrats!

   3. A fancy at-home dinner, either homemade or takeout, and dessert from a bakery. Often for us that will be something like steak (which we don’t often eat), or a meat and cheese board with olives, fruit, etc. Plus renting a movie from Amazon.

   4. Do you and your spouse like to cook? My husband and I have picked out a fun new recipe to try and then made it together as a fun date night without going out.

   5. At home date night it is. For ours, we got dressed up, ate in the dining room with our crystal/china and candles. Dinner was upgraded ingredients- we splurged on more expensive cuts of meat, opened a nice bottle of wine, got fancy desserts from the bakery. Or, if you don’t feel like cooking, get your favorite gourmet snacks and watch a movie or listen to some music while you eat them. Sit out under the stars if you have outdoor space.

   6. Fancy appetizers for dinner – expensive cheese etc. after the baby has gone to bed (appetizers not a meal so you don’t have to cook).

   7. DH and I seem to end up with low-key anniversaries. This year we had takeout at home, with dessert from a bakery and wine.

6. Has anyone here ever been seconded by their law firm, or by their company, to a client? This would be a four month maternity leave backfill role. I just found out that I am in the running for this from my firm (have not yet interviewed with the client). I live on the East Coast, client is in Bay Area (but I’m from Bay Area). Firm said in the initial email that they’d pay for housing and transportation. Should I ask for a tax gross-up (I’m sure those are taxable benefits)? I think I’d have to file taxes in both places too. I’m having a meeting re this tomorrow. Anything else? Any advice appreciated from someone who’s been there, either in law or otherwise.

   I’m not worried about the role itself–I’ve done that function and aside from picking up where someone left off, I’ll figure it out! Thanks for any tips.

   1. I did a secondment at my prior law firm. No input on the benefits issues, because it was local, but my caution is always to make sure you know and have thought about how this fits into your career with your firm. At some firms, secondments are only offered to associates who are not expected to make partner and thus are viewed as able to be spared; it’s typically an associate who the firm likes and hopes will land well elsewhere. At my prior firm, secondments were incredibly rare and so it was viewed as a highly desirable experience offered only to high performers. And at my current firm, it’s kind of middle of the road – not a sign that the firm hopes you’ll end up leaving but also not great in terms of how essential you’re viewed as being to the practice, and I’ve seen challenges in terms of reintegration after return from the secondment.

      One piece of advice, even if you’re at a firm where secondments are seen as a plus, would be to make sure you understand how the firm will handle it from an hours perspective. Much like a mat leave, your hours will drop before you leave as you’re tapered off of matters and they will take time to come back up to a full workload when you return. So it’s not enough just to allow for the hours of the actual secondment; it’s going to affect your hours for the whole year.

      Also, how close are you to making partner and is that something you want to do? Have you thought about how this will affect your client relationships (whether for good or ill), or your relationships with people within the firm that will need to support your partnership prospects? Are those people all on board? You definitely don’t want an important partner to be PO’d that you “left” (this happened to me – someone who didn’t have a right to a say really thought he should have been entitled to a say).

      TL;DR, it can be a great opportunity or a bad thing, and it really depends on your firm and what you want for yourself and your career.

      1. Counterpoint – if you want to go in-house, getting a secundment can help you get in. Having that experience brings you closer to having in-house experience & makes companies much more comfortable with you. I’d also argue that even if you want to make partner, you might not always want to do that & someday you might want to emphasize that you have this experience.

   2. Not a law firm, but it is very common to second employees to our international entities for assignments. The company tax equalized, provided living out allowance and covered tax return prep at a minimum.

   3. As a consultant, the housing and transportation is only taxable after 1 year in a location outside your home office. But that could be how we arrange it. Definitely do your research. After about two weeks of work you have to file income taxes in the new state, but then that should reduce your income tax in your current state. Ask for the gross up, but check the tax rates first to see if there is actually a benefit.

      Try to fly business or first if you are going to be flying back and forth frequently. I prefer a corporate apartment so I can cook and leave clothes and what not there. Other colleagues prefer hotel points.

   4. Thanks all–I am a somewhat non-traditional junior associate. I’ve only been at this firm for 4 months, but my experience fits exactly for the role. I’ve been biling 200+ per month since I started, so I won’t be behind, hours-wise. Really appreciate all of the perspectives and the advice. Thank you!

7. I’ve long been confused about the reversible dresses from Betabrand – they pitch them as four different looks in one dress, so perfect for traveling. Today I was browsing the WHBM site, and they have an entire line (https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/category/reversible/cat11399357/) of reversible items.

   How is this supposed to work? If I wear one side out the first day, won’t the other side be wrinkled/have deodorant/etc if I turn that side out? I’m totally on board with getting multiple wears out of an ite, between washes, but this seems kind of pointless?

   1. I dunno, I don’t really get that dirty if I’m just going to work during the day.

   2. The other side of the dress or camisole is different, so you wear one side, wash the dress, and later wear the other side so it looks like two different dresses.

   3. I have one from whbm and its great! I tend to wash between wears but when traveling i sometimes get 2 wears out of it Its thick jersey so it travels super well and i like havong the choice

8. Looking to get a little feedback on a situation I encountered this week. I was out at a bar with my boyfriend (we are both white), and a black woman was a bit in his personal space while she was trying to order a drink. He was obviously a bit miffed that she didn’t realize she was in his space and made a joke about “standing my ground,” which I immediately called him out on as being innapropriate. He then said “why, because the Trayvon Martin documentary just came out?” I basically said — you can’t just say that, while some people might not take offense, others definitely would. He got a bit defensive, but understood my perspective, and then we moved on. I don’t think that this came from a bad place, if anything it was insensitive, but I’ve been dwelling. Was I being overly sensitive, or was I right to call him out?

   1. ew. I sincerely hope no one else heard but you.

      go you for calling him out in that moment and having a mature conversation about it.

      sometimes I roll these things off to immature, gross humor. stuff you say in private, but still, really shouldn’t even be saying in private. and he wasn’t even in private. ew.

   2. He made a joke about killing a black woman because she got too close to him. You absolutely were right to call him out, and may want to emphasize later just how inappropriate it was, both a joke about killing a woman, and the racially charged aspect of it.

      1. This!

         OP, you were absolutely right. That’s really problematic behavior from your bf.

   3. I agree with you that it was an inappropriate/insensitive joke, and it was good to call him out on it in the moment. You say he understood your perspective, he’s moved on, and he thinks you’ve moved on. Sometimes people say thoughtless, insensitive things. If he’s willing to listen to someone explain why it’s insensitive and change his behavior, then you should move on.

   4. Ummm, yes you should have said something. “Standing your ground” means something completely different to you than it does to a POC. Just wow–that was an awful thing for him to say/particularly bad wording. And, it’s not just because of Trayvon–a POC was shot this past weekend in Florida when he asked a white man to stop harassing him in a parking lot. There’s especially a lot of controversy about it now! NOT OK.

   5. Yikes. No, you were right to call him out.

   6. I think you were right. Even if he didn’t mean it that way he needs to be aware of his words and how they impact others. It was a careless but harmful comment. I think this also shows a bias that he may not be fully aware of so good on you for letting him know.

   7. OP here, thank you all for the feedback. I think I had my answer once I wrote the question out, but it’s really uncomfortable to call out someone you care about for something that could be hurtful and to consider that a comment might reveal something unpleasant about that person. Considering a second convo with him to talk more about this.

      1. Just FYI a photo of you shows up with your comment. You might want to contact Kat to see if she can remove it.

      2. I think a second convo is a good idea. I gasped when I read that- the “joke” only works because she is black, the reference wouldn’t work if she was white, it would be murder (as opposed to “justified”). It certainly says something about him that he can jokingly reference pocs being murdered for the color of their skin

      3. Dump him. Seriously.

         1. Yep. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

            1. Am saddened by all the people whose immediate response isn’t to dump this man.

               Seriously ladies what gives.

         2. A man who makes a violent joke about a black woman for being in his space is not a man anyone should date. It’s not even just a racism thing, this man has problems. Run.

9. Coming off the engaged gift suggestions in the earlier thread, talk to me about how you keep your rings clean. The shop where I got my wedding and engagement ring said I can always bring it back to clean but I feel weird going in often (monthly) and just browsing while they clean so I just don’t go and hate my diamond looking gunky sometimes. I bought a ring cleaner on Amazon recently and was so disappointed with the results-or lack thereof- I returned it asap. Any other suggestions apart from good ole dawn dish soap and water?

   1. My jeweler said to use a small amount of dish soap and a soft kid’s toothbrush to get at the crevices.

      1. This is what I was told as well. I actually use baby toothbrushes.

   2. I use an ultrasonic cleaner machine with a cleaner recommended for use in said type of machine, both bought on Amazon. It does a fabulous job. It is Magnasonic brand and runs $35.

   3. I use rubbing alcohol and q-tips – mine has a lot of crevices that need scrubbing. Rubbing alcohol is not good for all stones or metals but if you’ve just got diamonds and gold or platinum it will be fine.

   4. I use a spare “gentle” brush head for my electric toothbrush and clean with a little hand soap.

   5. As long as you’re not dealing with porous stones (pearls, opals, coral, onyx, turquoise, etc.) you can scrub with plain toothpaste. It cannot be gritty/whitening formula or tartar formula or gel, just straight-up plain paste. This is what we used when I worked at a jewelry store in college.

   6. I use a little dish soap every so often, but I do make a point to bring it to the shop that made it at least once a year. They clean it so much better than I ever could, but most importantly they also check all the prongs to make sure the stones are safe and secure.

10. Sorry this is long. I am a senior associate at a biglaw firm. I have consistently had excellent performance reviews, always hit my target, work with a variety of partners very well, am asked to be involved in visible non-billable projects for the firm like lateral partner recruitment, etc. I have been encouraged to stay long-term by a variety of partners I work with – it also helps that my background and practice is in an area that is and has been growing at the firm. My hours are long but I am OK with them, and I work well with the more junior associates too.

    OK, I should be happy right, if not totally psyched? I am generally a happy person fairly carefree person, but I have grown to absolutely hate my job. I cry about work a lot. I feel like I can finally explain my complaints – I have limited autonomy and don’t see that changing, am constantly navigating annoying politics of walking the line of taking ownership of my work while not stepping on people’s toes, and practically begging for courtroom/depo experience instead of spending my entire day on Westlaw at my desk and not getting it, and can’t imagine getting much experience until I am a partner for many years. I also hate business development, and have no interest at all in the business of running a law firm – I just want to be a lawyer, write briefs, go to court-I love litigating cases. To boot, I have had some terrible internal business development experiences like having a connection with a client decisionmaker who asked us to pitch, a partner taking over the pitch, and trying to kick me off of it over my vehement objection. I feel like I have just had enough.

    I have a job offer at a large, USAO known for being competitive. Given my complaints, this is a total no brainer to take it, even though it is not much more than one-third of my current salary/bonus, right? Pay cut is the hangup for me- even though I don’t spend anywhere near my biglaw salary, so it doesn’t even make sense I am so hung up on this.

    And I feel like a total ingrate for having two amazing opportunities in front of me and complaining about both of them.

    1. Ask again on the morning thread. FWIW, I think you should take the USAO job, despite the paycut. You’ll get more experience, and you won’t have to deal with business development, although there will be a new set of office politics. I don’t think there’s a law firm of any type of size where you’re likely to get to be the “front” person writing briefs and doing depos and going to court unless they’re your clients, and you’re not interested in the business development.

    2. Don’t feel like an ingrate… it’s your career, you get to have opinions about it! If I were in your shoes I’d take the USAO job. If litigation/courtroom experience is what you want, that seems like a really good opportunity. If you have determined you can live off of the USAO salary given your budget and financial goals, I say go for it.

    3. “I also hate business development, and have no interest at all in the business of running a law firm – I just want to be a lawyer, write briefs, go to court-I love litigating cases.” If you don’t want to do all the biz development stuff and constantly have to worry about where the work is coming from (and how to pay those high salaries), then take the USAO job. Yes, there will be politics to navigate, but you will get to do what you want to be doing. And, I know multiple people who pivoted successfully back into private practice if ultimately you change your mind.

       1. +1. The other stuff you mention could be different at a different firm–depo/courtroom experience, bad internal business development experiences. But except in the rarest of cases you have to bring in business to stay at a firm long term. USAO jobs are few and far between, so the opportunity might not come up again. And it gives you a desirable background for lots of other jobs if you want to make a change in a few years.

    4. Take the USAO job. Why stay in a place that makes you cry all the time? Seriously. Life is too darn short for that.

       1. Take the job. If you don’t like biz dev you are going to top out at your firm and need to leave anyhow.

          1. Agree w this.

11. Late to post, may repost tomorrow, i have a job offer somewhere remote (think big oil in the boonies) that I would love and desperately want. Husband refuses to move. Child is 4. Distance between husband and new job is about 3/4 hours flying. Should I try and pitch the on being a 3 weeks on, one week off kind of thing? Anyone do that sort of thing with a young child before and like it?

    1. I have a four year-old and travel 50% of the time (leave Weds, return Fri each week). I also occasionally go away for 3 week stretches. Honestly, those are rough. Very rough. To the point that when I get back from the long trips, she freaks out about the shorter trips b/c she thinks I won’t come back. And she is extremely close to her father (he has always been the preferred parent).

       My kid is probably on the anxious/sensitive side in general. But this would wreck her, no matter which parent she was away from. I mean, people obviously do it all the time, for military deployments, etc. And you know your own kid. But it would be terrible for mine, and that’s coming from someone who already travels away from my kid more than 95% of North American moms would be comfortable with.

    2. This sounds like a recipe to split up. Yes, some people survive distance but usually with a plan to end it. Being that far apart means you’ll be living separate lives and you’ll grow apart. What would your husband do in the boonies? If the answer is nothing, then it seems reasonable he wouldn’t want to move. There’s no such thing as a dream job, but there are dream lives. If you would be happy moving that far from your husband indefinitely, perhaps you want to rethink that relationship. Ask again in the morning for more responses. Personally this is a big nope and if I was your husband I’d probably be pretty reasonably upset you’d consider this.

    3. My husband and I were long distance for the first two years of our marriage, so I’m definitely not someone that thinks that living apart from your spouse automatically means your marriage is on the rocks. That said, we didn’t have a child, and we were apart because we were finishing our education and that was the only way we could pursue our chosen careers (think graduating from med school and starting a residency – you don’t have that much choice in where you move). I think this would be incredibly hard on your kids and husband and the only reason I would even consider this kind of thing would be if I had no decent job options close to home. If you have a job you’re relatively happy with in the same city as your husband, I can’t imagine choosing to take this job and move away.

    4. Absolutely not.

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