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I've never been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), but I've often thought I suffer from it to some degree — every winter the gray skies and grayer slush start to get me down right around now. You could plan a trip to Aruba (which, hey, let's do that anyway), or you could get this $60 light therapy lamp. It's Amazon's bestseller for the category, emits 10,000 Lux (which is twice as much as other lights in this price range), and uses energy-efficient LEDs. It's $59.99 (formerly $109) at Amazon, with 1,800+ positive reviews. Sphere Gadget Technologies Lightphoria Lamp
(L-2)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
questions re this light
I don’t have SAD (I just hate winter unless I’m outside on a sunny day in the snow).
BUT I live in an old house where there is no overhead lighting and it is just dark. Would this be useful as a general light (like for reading)? Also, does it give off any heat? I have a cold office and might get one since we can’t have “heaters” but if a light bulb gives off heat, give me about 10 of these and some sunglasses.
Sarabeth
Not really, to both your questions. The light is enough that it’s a bit distracting if you are trying to read. And this lamp, at least, has LEDs so generates no heat.
Shopaholic
I think this is probably similar to my SAD lamp so probably not. I actually find it way too bright but not bright enough to read… I feel like that doesn’t make sense but basically, it’s not a replacement for a desk or floor lamp.
KT
While I love a happy light, many didn’t work for me if they only had LED or blue lights. I actually needed the UV exposure to help with my SAD.
I consulted both a dermatologist and a regular GP and they both said as long as I limited my exposure to just 5-10 minutes a day, a UV light would be fine.
I ended buying one from the reptile section on Amazon and it worked miracles where the other lights had failed. Much cheaper too!
KT
For anyone interested, I have this guy and it’s awesome. I may feel like an iguana, but whatever, it makes me feel better.
http://amzn.to/23EyOHO
Anonymous
I have SAD and this is useful info. I have realised that being with family and friends helps alot i.e. being more social. Exercise too helps a great deal. A lamp could be helpful in future.
Anonymous
I know this delved into a debate last time it was posted but some docs also recommend very small amount of time 2 x per week in a tanning bed or booth. Say 5 minutes/time. Even better if you do it as part of your gym where the bulbs are weak rather than an actual salon. The damage isn’t much worse than 20 minutes outside without sunscreen if you keep it that low. You could even wear sunscreen in the booth but it will diminish how much UV you actually absorb and that is the goal.
Amazon payment issue?
I’ve never had this happen before, and I’m at a loss since it’s so hard to get to an actual person on Amazon to help with customer service. I have an Amazon Chase credit card and have for years. I ordered something and got an email the next day the payment was declined. I resubmitted it and it said it was fine, then the next day said it was declined again. Tried again, same. Deleted the whole order, built it from scratch, tried again – same thing happened. Plenty of credit on the card, I’ve used it in day to day life with no problem…has this happened to anyone? Is there someone at Amazon I can actually communicate with? Bueller?
Wildkitten
Visit http://www.amazon.com/customerservice for quick answers and solutions related to your orders or account. You can also reach Amazon customer service at: 1-888-280-3321.
But, I’d call Chase in this situation instead.
Anonymous
You can request “Call me” from Amazon. It might work for your issue! amazon.com/gp/help/contact-us/general-questions.html
Gail the Goldfish
You can use the chat feature in support to get an actual person. I seem to recall the link isn’t easy to find–I think you have to keep answering “this does not answer my question” or “other” when it asks you about things on the faq to get there.
I have randomly had a credit card declined for no reason on an online purchase before. I think it was another website, not amazon (maybe nordstrom?). I was never able to determine why and it worked fine the next time.
Anonymous
Call the number on the back of your card. The Chase card isn’t managed by Amazon. It’s managed by Chase. Their customer service is fantastic (I’ve called them many times).
KT
Do the contact us thing at the bottom right–they’ll get back to you within 24 hours.
I had the same happen to me. They sent me a new card with the chip that credit cards now have, without telling me my old card would be deactivated, so I kept getting payment declined messages.
Amazon payment issue?
Thank you thank you, all – these are good suggestions and I don’t know why my Monday brain was totally stymied by this issue.
Anonymous
Have you gotten a new card with a chip in it? That makes the old pre-loaded card stale (but it is still pre-loaded and then it gets declined). Maybe that is what is happening?
Anonymous
You have to communicate with Chase. They will tell you why it was declined.
Pep
I had this same problem recently – when my VISA switched over to chip cards, they issued me a new card. The new card had a new (updated) expiration date different from my previous card. Amazon had saved the expiration date from the old card and it was causing a conflict that caused the card to be declined.
Because my old non-chip card hadn’t expired yet, it didn’t trigger the “update your CC information” email you usually get.
October
+1 this exact thing happened to me, too — check the expiration date
EverydayExperts
I was wondering how you ladies deal with Everyday Experts? I’m sure you ladies are experts in your field and find the phenomenon equally as frustrating. I have thousands of class hours, plus lab time, plus research time, plus publishing ect and I just can’t stand it when clients or random folks on facebook think that watching a documentary or reading an article some how makes them qualified to comment on issues in my field. The worst is when people use opinions or speculation, because everything I do and say is research based. It takes everything in my power not to scream at clients or post something really snarky on the fb page of the SAHM who only has a highschool education but somehow thinks she is SO much wiser than my degrees and professional experience. Ugh. Sorry for being so ranty, but also really curious if there is a solution to this.
Sympathy here
No solution. Not exactly identical, but I am in a field that others associate with “being good at math”, period. I regularly hear from people that their children/nephew/niece etc. would do soooooo well in my field because they are “good at math”. I have basically stopped trying to tell them that there is more to it. Smile and ignore, I guess.
Dee
In this case (I’m a mom with a child who “wants to be an engineer because I am smart at math”. This is what he wrote in school for an assignment), you can add, “oh yes! Math is a good start but it takes so much more and I love it! Let me know if you have any questions!” I probably wouldn’t ask you TBH but if we knew each other I’d tell my kid to talk to you when it became age appropriate.
Sympathy here
I don’t mind kids at all, it’s the grown “kids” who are so sure that they are right for a job because they are good at math, and there is obviously nothing more to it.
Anonymous
I joined a closed/private facebook group for my profession where we can all share our professional opinions with one another and vent our frustrations with armchair professionals.
Anonymous
If it is an opinion masquerading as a fact, you can’t argue with an opinion. Move on.
If it a crazy person, recognize that you can’t argue with a crazy person without becoming a fool; move on.
If a person says that their kid is good at math, take it to mean that the child likes and is moderately successful at arithmetic. That is a good thing. Move on.
If it helps you, think “Bless your heart” but do not dare say it. And move on.
Dee
Vent to kindred souls. I’m not a doctor but I hate “essential oil” sellers – so, I tell my doctor friends. They understand.
Lately I’ve been feeling very full of animosity towards Facebook comments and it lets me know to hide them, block them (you can block strangers, to you know) or step.away.from.the.media.
There will always be stupid people in this world and it is not your job to educate them all.
Anonymous
I have no solution. I just think of this article every time someone goes on an incorrect rant about legal things:
http://www.theonion.com/article/area-man-passionate-defender-of-what-he-imagines-c-2849
waffles
I am writing my CFA in June (will be my third attempt at level 2) – my mom, a former teacher, had the guts to compare it to grade 1 standardized testing when I saw her yesterday. I actually shot back with “it’s NOTHING like a grade 1 test”. I can definitely relate :(
hoola hoopa
Sometime I’ll assert my experience/knowledge/credentials, but only when it’s someone who I know will handle it well and when I have time/energy/motivation to do it. If you do, stay completely focused on information rather than get emotional or make it about respect for you, your education, etc.
Sometimes, when I feel it’s important to clear up a misconception either for the person saying it or for the people hearing it, I’ll briefly and non-combatively state the truth and move on. They can take what they want.
If it’s on social media, I never engage. That’s not a forum where people are looking for alternate perspectives. I have messaged people privately when something was easily shown to be non-factual.
Most of the time, internally rant.
Meg Murry
Start your own blog where you debunk these lies or misinformed opinions? Or start following someone who does? I follow “SciBabe” and “The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe” and a few other scientists and doctors on Facebook, and block the most annoying of the meme creators (like David Wolfe, Food Babe and IFLScience, among others). That little right dropdown with the word “block” is your best friends.
For family members that irritate me, I block them from my Facebook feed and then create a separate group just for them, so I can scroll through about once a month when I’m not especially annoyed to make sure I haven’t missed an important actual update about their lives that I care about hidden within the 257,000 reposts of crap and junk science.
As for random people you knew in high school or your next door neighbors, unfollow or defriend. I actually had a lot more respect for some of my former coworkers when we only had a professional relationship and I didn’t see their Facebook feeds full of lies and hate.
LLBMBA
My favorite is when I spent a bunch of (unpaid) time helping a friend with a legal issue (I am a lawyer). As back-up to what I was saying, I included a bunch links to sources. She responded with thanks, and that she supposed she should just learn to google things. Apparently, that’s what she thought I had done – not applied years of legal education and experience to help her solve a problem. Sigh.
Anonymama
I would actually guess that she thought the links you included were some kind of a rebuke to her for not figuring it out on her own, and that’s why she said it, not as an insult to your legal education.
Anon For This
Q about dividing household chores/dealing with marriage tension (sorry in advance for a novel!):
My husband has a job as a tenured university professor. His minimum job obligations in the sense of “what he has to do to make sure he won’t get fired” basically consist of showing up to teach all his classes and being reasonably prepared (a time commitment of, let’s say, 20 hrs/week). He loves doing research and is very good at it, and works probably close to 60 hrs/week on average when you add research to his teaching duties. I recognize that this extra work has benefits to our family, including that he is likely to receive higher discretionary raises if he continues churning out great research, but he is primarily doing it because he wants to do it, not because he wants these benefits (he is less motivated by money than just about any person I’ve ever met). I am an (unhappy) lawyer who typically works 50-60 hrs/week and feel like I am not working any more than I “have to” (I barely made my hours last year). I don’t think it really matters, but our salaries are similar.
With that background, he does probably 75-80% of the work around the house (mostly pet care, cooking and cleaning; we don’t have kids). I feel like this isn’t unreasonable, even though we work similar hours, because 1) a *lot* of his work is more optional than mine and he is doing it because he enjoys it and wants to do it, and 2) he has so much more flexibility than me – he works from home a lot, which I can never do, and having done that in past jobs, I know how easy it is to throw in a load of laundry or put something in the crockpot while you’re working at home. He doesn’t agree and over the last year or so this has become a bigger and bigger issue to the point that we are having some kind of argument about it almost every day. This usually stems from him making some crack or rude comment about how I never do anything around the house. Often this happens when I DO do something around the house – for example, the other day I took the dog on her first walk of the day, which I rarely do, and when I made an innocent comment about how cold it was outside, he made a snide remark about how it’s been cold outside for months at that time of the day, I just wouldn’t know because I’m never walking her at that hour. I’ve tried to explain to him that making mean comments when I do help out makes me even less likely to do stuff in the future (I am all about the positive reinforcement), and he says he understands and will stop but then he keeps doing it.
I know people will probably suggest counseling but neither of us is big on therapy (we’ve both done it separately, for unrelated issues, and neither of us found it very useful) and money is pretty tight right now (we’re not outsourcing cleaning for that reason, which is probably contributing to this tension).
I would welcome thoughts and advice even if your advice is to tell me to get over myself and do my share.
Anonymous
Get over yourself and do your share.
Sorry but the positive reinforcement thing would make my blood boil if I was your husband. You don’t get to demand that he give you praises for doing your 20 percent. His job having more flexibility means he should be doing maybe 60%. That means you have to double the work you are doing around the house. You don’t need therapy you just need to start doing way more. Sit down and tell him you are sorry and divide up the chores- if he doesn’t mind walking the dog and you hate it maybe that’s his, but as a trade off you’ll do dishes which he hates, etc.
JJ
Ha. I replied further down thread, but this is exactly what I wanted to say.
eeeeesh
+1
We’d be piling ALL OVER a poster’s husband if he proclaimed that he wanted ONLY positive reinforcement for doing his tiny share of housework.
And all over him if he was trying to dictate when his wife should work, how much she should work, and whether her reasons for working were valid.
OP, sounds like your resentment comes from the fact that you’re unhappy in your job. Fix that issue and I bet the rest will fix itself.
Wildkitten
You work 50 hours a week and he works 40 hours a week. So he should do a little more. You’re also right that when he works from home it’s easier to throw in a load of laundry while he’s working. But, you can’t demand he do all the other chores (like cleaning the abthroom etc,) just because he likes his job. That’s the part that is off here. I think you need to stop thinking of the research he does as optional. Can you outsource more of the chores?
KT
I think you need to reframe how you think about his work. Seeing it as “optional” and unnecessary to do above the bare minimum is unhelpful. It’s work, it’s important to him, and you recognize that it may have large benefits for your family later.
With that in mind, you make about the same income and work about the same hours. I mean this gently, but yes, that means you need to do more around the house. Working at home doesn’t mean he has oodles of time to cook or clean–he’s working. I know that sounds luxurious and easy but dedicated people really work from home, not putter around the house and clean.
I can sort of understand where you’re coming from, but in his mind, he works hard too but does the bulk of the home stuff, which isn’t fair. Are there any chores you could take on that you don’t find so odious?
Unless you’re willing to take on more, I don’t see this getting better, with or without therapy.
MarieCurie
I may be your husband. I’m also in academia and my spouse has a lot of trouble relating. He’s used to a much more structured workplace with clearly defined deadlines and products. Academics are similar to the self-employed because they set their own deadlines and expectations. I don’t have to go to any single conference (I’m not sent by my dept. head, for example) but going to some conferences helps me promote my research, get new ideas, etc. There is a benefit to my family, although it will probably appear about 5 years down the line in the form of better compensation. The cost (I’m gone for a week) is pretty apparent in the short term unfortunately.
Anonymous
The fact that he loves doing research and that he really doesn’t *have* to do it to keep the job is immaterial in this issue–at least that’s my opinion. I think the real stresser for you is you are unhappy in your job–I think that makes someone feel like they are even more *tired* –for lack of a better word than another who loves their job. You basically need more effort to get the same amount of work done. So when you get home, you are less than thrilled to do housework.
I think you should figure out a way to work out the stress in your job and contribute more to household chores. I think your husband is very resentful of the fact that he has to do most of it. Resentment can be poisonous.
Senior Attorney
This. There is nothing fair about how you two are handling the household duties and he is not out of line to be resentful. You are unhappy with your work and you need to figure that out so you can be an equal contributor to the household duties.
If I were in your shoes, I would also figure out a way to outsource more of it.
Anonymous
Assuming this is a real question: No, it’s not easy to throw in a load of laundry or put something in the crockpot while you’re working from home. It derails your focus and creates a huge guilt trap. If you focus 100% on work, you feel guilty that you didn’t also get the laundry done and dinner cooked. If you do the laundry and make dinner, you end up spending time folding that laundry and cleaning up dinner and feeling guilty that you weren’t more productive with work. You can’t win.
Furthermore, the fact that your husband has tenure and can keep it without doing research doesn’t mean that his research is “optional,” nor does the fact that he likes his work make it a hobby instead of work.
Anon
Seconded – it’s not actually working from home if you are doing lots of “little” chores. All of those things are distracting and it’s very hard to concentrate if timers are going off, something needs folding, you have to chop veggies for the crockpot, etc.
Anonattorney
How long is your commute to work? How do you use your free time outside of work? I would take a look at how much time you both spend on personal things–hobbies, exercise, etc. If you are spending a lot more of that time on yourself than he is, then you may need to pick up more of the workload. But, if you consider a big chunk of his hours a “hobby” because he enjoys his research, then you need to communicate that to him. (I don’t know if I agree with your view on this; I think I would need more background.)
I would also talk to him and identify your housework priorities. If only he cares about dusting then, guess what – he gets to dust. If only you care about having a clean toaster oven every week then you have to clean the toaster oven. Some household tasks are mandatory; others just aren’t. Finally, I would separate out laundry–just do your own.
JJ
Your husband is pretty clearly letting you know that the current set-up is not working for him. Whether or not you’re a happy lawyer, I would recommend getting past that and finding ways to help out more around the house. Also, you’re an adult and lawyer. It’s pretty petty to not do household chores simply because your husband makes a remark like that.
I also sense a lot of judgment from you about his work and the way he chooses to spend his work time. Even if you don’t go to counseling, I would examine why you describe his job duties that way and make it seem like, if he’s not doing research for money (but for personal gratification), that means he needs to pick up more household chores.
Anonymous
It is rare nowadays for research to truly be optional for a tenured/tenure track professor at most schools and in most fields. If he wants to maintain his marketability, which he would need in case of disaster, or to improve his salary significantly (usually), he must do research. Also, depending on how many classes he teaches and what the pattern of repeating classes is, the 20 hours you estimate may be low. You are also not including service, of which he may have to do a significant amount; if he doesn’t have to do much service as a tenured professor, then he’s likely to be at a school where the research is even more important.
Sarabeth
So, I’m your husband in this situation. I’d be pretty annoyed if my partner discounted my research work because I wouldn’t get fired if I didn’t do it. It’s still part of my job (30%, according to my employment contract), and while I wouldn’t get fired, my professional life would get awkward very quickly if I just…didn’t do that part of my job.
I do think that a constructive conversation about how much he needs to work might help. I do manage to set limits on my research time (this mostly happened after I had a kid, to be honest). I am not as productive as I used to be. But I still work more than 40 hours, at least during the semester, and I can’t give that up without losing a host of professional opportunities.
KT
Not to pile on, I think you may be over-sensitive to his comments. Try to see it from his side.
He gets up early every day and walks the dog in the freezing cold. You do it ONE day, and you complain about how cold it is? I’m sorry, but he’s completely in his right to point out he puts up with it every day.
I wish you luck-you generally sound unhappy. Is this maybe more about your job/hobbies than chores?
Anon For This
Ok, I understand the comments saying I have to do more around the house. But I swear the comment about the cold was not a complaint! It was actually in the context of trying to be helpful to him (“Brr. It’s cold today! Make sure you wear a warm jacket.”) and it was not said in a whiny tone of voice (I’m not saying I never whine, but this was not whining). Even if he’s right to be annoyed that I’m not doing my share, it seems petty to turn what was truly intended to be an innocent/helpful remark into yet another argument about this.
KT
I hear you, I do. But for him, who already feels overworked and that he is bearing the brunt of the work, it was just another signal that you don’t appreciate what he does or contribute nearly as much.
Sarabeth
Ditto to KT – sounds like there’s enough underlying resentment that your genuinely innocuous comment provokes his irritation. So, not fair in the specific situation, but probably best addressed by working out a balance of labor that feels fair to both of you.
Anonymous
Ok it wasn’t whining- but it would be absolutely infuriating to him and it was a real d-ck move to say. He has asked you a million times to do more, you’re not doing it or when you are you are asking him for positive reinforcement, and then when you finally do do something you feel the need to make commentary on it. You are 100 percent in the wrong here. Stop explaining his schedule to us and just start doing more work.
lawsuited
Yeah, you can ask him to do 80% of the housework, but you can’t be shocked and hurt when he’s not thrilled with the arrangement and makes comments to that effect. If you’d like him to continue doing the large majority of the housework, put up with the comments. If you don’t want the comments, come up with a more equitable arrangement.
Anon For This
I appreciate the comments and the tough love. It sounds like I have to do more. Just to clarify what I said earlier…I agree he has to do research, and the 20 hours a week estimate is probably low, maybe way too low. But he regularly does things he pretty clearly doesn’t “have to do”, for example, stay up all night so he can turn a revision of a paper around in a couple of days, when it’s perfectly acceptable to take a few weeks to do this. I’m definitely not suggesting he stop doing research altogether, that would be certainly be harmful to his career even if he wouldn’t get fired, but he also doesn’t have to be working 60 hrs/week at it, especially now that he has tenure. I have a lot of other friends in academia, including some in the same field, and none of them work as hard.
KT
Again, I’d take a step back. You’re upset with your husband because he is driven and dedicated to his work. Say it out loud. Does it sound ridiculous?
It truly sounds like you’re struggling with your own feelings in your career, and maybe it bothers you that he is very passionate about his which is making you more tired/resentful. Really take some time to take a step back and reflect on your feelings towards your own job and his.
Spirograph
Um. I agree with everyone else that you need to do more to help out around the house. Honestly, it sounds like you are resentful that your husband seems to love his work when you do not. That’s understandable, but it doesn’t mean that he needs to do more housework just so you have an equal share of drudgery in your lives (yours being mostly at work, his being mostly around the house). Maybe the bigger issue here is that you need to try to find a job or hobby that makes you a little happier. I know when I am really unhappy at work it totally drains my energy to the point that I’m unable to be an equal partner at home. Your husband is so energized by his work that even after doing 75% of the chores, he still stays up all night *because he wants to* to work at his research. That would be jealousy-inducing for anyone, but you might not find it so offensive if you had something of your own that is fulfilling.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s weird to stay up late working on something when he’s on a roll and take it easy at other times, after he’s done. Honestly I think it’s much more difficult to spread something out because you can’t have all of the information in your head at once that way. You shouldn’t get to manage the way he does work or his career, so you should step off in that area. Just because he ultimately enjoys his job and you don’t doesn’t mean that his work is not difficult and hard at times, just as yours is. Maybe it would help to reevaluate your own career, since you do not enjoy it and it’s negatively affecting your personal life.
Senior Attorney
This is his career. He gets to decide how he is going to do his work and you don’t get to second-guess his choices in that regard, especially in the service of having him do more around the house. Good Lord!
He sounds awesome and you sound like kind of a pill…
Annie
I think what you don’t understand is that he doesn’t have to do these things in order to not get fired, but he does have to do them to maintain the research productivity and collaborations that will lead to future grants and collaborations. He might not have to do his paper revisions in a couple days for his sake, but his student and collaborator co-authors probably really appreciate that he does. If he just stops doing those things, he won’t lose his job, but he’ll lose the opportunities to do the work he really wants to do.
Anon
Wow. I’m surprised he hasn’t left you already to be honest. He is telling you, snidely and otherwise, that you aren’t pulling your fair share. How delusional can you be to think the current setup is fair? You are treating him like “the help” and not your partner, and you are minimizing the importance of his career because it’s flexible.
I objected to people calling this morning’s poster a brat, but you, lady, are a brat. And that is putting it mildly.
hoola hoopa
I am your husband in this scenario – I even, GASP, do research because I enjoy it although it’s also *my job*. I despise when my husband treats my work from home days as days off work. (Even when it’s well-intentioned , such as sending texts saying that he hopes I’m getting some well-earned relaxation. I’m not relaxing; I’m working!) My husband is also unhappy at a inflexible and more than FT job.
Sit down with your husband, tell him that you recognize that the household tasks have not been fairly distributed and that you’d like to together come up with a system of division that’s amenable to both of you, and tell him that it hurts your feelings when he makes snide or discouraging comments. And consider finding yourself another job.
EB
Do you think that this is a case of unconscious overclaiming? As in, we tend to unconsciously overestimate our contributions. So you may be actually doing less than 20% or he might be thinking he’s doing 95%.
More importantly, does this relate to you being unhappy at work? It sounds as if you feel that your work is truly work (e.g. labour that you wouldn’t do unless you were being paid) and his work is not real work, because he enjoys it. This isn’t really fair and you probably know that. While I’m sure you are happy that he has a wonderful job, it seems like you feel that he should do more of the household work because you suffer enough at real work.
Can you divide up the chores so that you are doing the ones you prefer? If you both go through the chores and actually divide them up together, that might help everyone be less resentful.
Anonymous
This was my thought- OP said she does 20% of the household chores but then said her husband makes comments whenever she helps out around the house. That makes me think he’s probably doing more/she’s probably doing less than suggested.
OP- is it possible for you to negotiate a lower hourly requirement? One that would get you more in line with a 40-hour week? I know you said money is tight, but it sounds like your quality of life is being affected by your long hours and negotiating a lower requirement might allow for more time, not only to do household chores, but to enjoy your time away from the office more!
KateMiddletown
Agreed – it sounds like you guys need to pour some wine and do a household chore inventory. Figure out what needs to be done and who’s doing it. It should be equal – both of you are working hard. You do the stuff you don’t mind doing and he’ll do the stuff he doesn’t mind doing. If it’s not that hard to throw dinner into the crockpot, then just do it yourself before you leave for work. Maybe you throw the laundry into the washing machine, and he puts it in the dryer at lunchtime.
Cb
Yes, the Gottman books on marriage have an inventory in them. I found it super helpful to realise what the other person was actually doing.
Anonymous
Do your fair share and stop devaluing his work! The notion that research for a tenured professor is “optional” is laughable and shows that you don’t understand his work and don’t want to. You work the same hours. Do the same amount of stuff around the home.
Anonymous
This.
SC
I agree with everyone else that you need to do more of the housework. But I’ll chime in to say that I get how you feel. My situation is a little bit different, but I often feel like my husband should do more of the housework or childcare because he has a more “fun” job, or because he gets paid less, and I really resent it when he does “extra” work (especially since he’s woefully underpaid as it is). I think the advice to say it out loud is really good – it helps focus on the real issue, and it helps weed out the ridiculous and unfair feelings. I try to bite my tongue when it comes to his work and keep it unrelated to household chores.
Also, “dividing up” formally doesn’t work for us. Our schedules are not that predictable, and we contribute according to the time and energy we each have at the time. It does even out in the long run. About one weekend day per month, we create a long list of everything that needs to get done around the house (cleaning, projects, etc), and we spend the whole day knocking stuff off the list.
Brunchaholic
Some of these comments are super harsh! I feel like you’re being really gracious about taking the constructive criticism where it’s being offered.
For my 2 cents – as a fellow unhappy lawyer, do you think the issue you’re having might be about your own happiness in your job? It seems like the fighting is more about the undertones of comments that you’re making (or not making at all but hearing) to one another than it really is about the chores. Of course when we’re unhappy it manifests in all sorts of ways and we tend to take it out on our loved ones. It’s really hard to be doing something that you don’t love, and I can see it being made harder by seeing someone else doing what they love. That might sound petty to some people, but I think it’s the honest truth! IMO, it’s good to come to terms with how you honestly feel and try not to judge yourself, and then if you have any revelations about your feelings that spurn action you take some action.
Elizabeth Bennet
So I am you. Also a lawyer married to an academic. I understand how frustrating it is to watch your spouse disappear because he has to do “work,” which is real work but also feels “optional.” I understand the sense that your spouse is choosing to do work, not being forced to do work, which means that he could also choose to do household chores. I don’t think you’re a “brat” or anything like it.
But the dynamic you describe sounds like it’s getting toxic to me. A few thoughts:
1) are you and your spouse getting enough time together outside of the constraints of household labor and work? I often resent my husband when he’s choosing to stay up all night to turn around a paper and I wish he could be watching Netflix with me. The research work can truly become all encompassing and swallow up all leisure time. Are you getting what you need in terms of quality time with your spouse? Is he getting what he needs?
2) Can you make a change at work? You are unhappy, which I understand — been there done that. Is there anything you can do at work that would give you a sense of freedom, possibility, or happiness? Can you start looking for new jobs?
3) I think you do have to step up your contributions at home. Can you have a good conversation with your husband where you say, “I haven’t been carrying my load at home. It’s partly because you’re physically in the home more, but I know you’re working and I want to respect that. How can we divide up the chores in a way that is efficient and fair?” Maybe you pick up some of the work that can be done outside the home – grocery shopping, making sure you’re stocked on paper towels and pet food, etc. Maybe you commit to walking the dog 3x/week. Whatever. But the important thing is to get both of you thinking creatively about ways to manage the load equitably.
4) I would try to think of his working hours, even when he’s working from home, as 100% work. Don’t text him or email him during that time. Don’t ask him to do things during the day. I realize that it’s annoying. But some people can’t do “home” things on work from home days, and others can. I can, my husband can’t. There’s no point in telling him that he should be different. It’s better to just mentally note that he’s unavailable from 8-5 because he’s working, regardless of whether in office or from home, and manage my expectations that way. The flip side of this is that it’s not fair for him to be working all the time.
5) I think that for many driven people, it’s hard to go from working all the time (as is required to actually earn tenure) to work-life balance. Would it be helpful for you guys to do some big picture thinking, together, about what you want your lives to look like? For example, turns out that my husband doesn’t want “down time” or time for “guys’ nights.” He wants to work. It’s leisure for him, the way Netflix is for me. That’s helped me to understand what’s going on with him.
Okay. Enough from me. I just have so much empathy and really do understand where you’re coming from, and I know it’s not quite as simple as just doing more housework. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Anon For This
Thank you so much for this <3 I think you are right that there is an element of his work swallowing up our lives and interfering with our quality time that is at play here too. I really appreciate the empathy and all the sound practical advice!
MarieCurie
Many academics fall into the trap of working at 80% capacity 100% of the time. I almost never work from home because it provides a wall of separation between my personal and professional life.
pil
+1
Anon
I think some of the comments here are harsh, but I do think things have become unfair for your husband and you need a solution. Let him know you get that he’s doing more than his fair share and explain that you’re struggling with your job satisfaction and its stealing your energy and that you are jealous of his happiness with this work. Truthfully, a full time academic and lawyer probably don’t have time to do all their own cooking and cleaning unless it’s a hobby they enjoy (DH and I love walking our dog and it’s not a chore) – life’s too short and your marriage too impt to spend free time on chores in my opinion. I’d think seriously about getting maid service, cook service, etc. and then think seriously about job searching. As someone who’s been unhappy with work, it can creep in to a lot of aspects of your life – you’ll be surprised how much sunnier everything is if you can improve your work satisfaction.
Anonymous
I honestly thought this was a troll until I saw OP responding to commentators below. I can’t believe someone married to an academic is so out of touch with how academia works. Research work for tenured university professors is not ‘optional’ – which hours he might do it is (e.g. Tuesday at 3pm vs. Saturday at 11am), but there’s not an option around not doing it. There’s a reason that ‘publish or perish’ is a saying. I’m a lawyer for reference.
I agree with most of the other posters that you need to get off your high horse and do more.
Traditionalist
I think you’ve gotten plenty of good advice here (some of it harsher than necessary), so I won’t restate it. But the part that struck me was this:
“I’ve tried to explain to him that making mean comments when I do help out makes me even less likely to do stuff in the future (I am all about the positive reinforcement), and he says he understands and will stop but then he keeps doing it.”
These things need to be done (or they don’t, in which case neither of you should be worrying about them). I think it’s pretty unfair for you to let your attitude about them (based on his comments or otherwise) determine whether you do them, because that means he now has to do them. They don’t just fall off the list. Your schedule is already dictating enough of the division of labor; don’t let your negative attitude dictate it even more. His comments don’t make you less likely to help out — you are a capable adult and therefore you are the one who decides whether you “do stuff in the future.” At that point, it’s not a question of who has the time or ability; you are actively choosing to pull less than your weight because you just don’t feel like it.
Break the cycle and have a discussion about what you can each do to make it more equitable.
Anon8
I don’t agree with the snarky comment your husband made. He sounds unhappy and resentful about the division of labor, but that’s not the way to communicate it. Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a conversation about how to handle household chores.
Anon
Not trying to pile on at all – this is more of a general comment. I think it’s important to not trivialize housework or chores, especially when one spouse is doing more than the other. If you say things like “it’s so easy to do laundry while working from home,” that devalues the very real physical and mental labor that goes into domestic life. This is typically a problem for women, whose domestic work has been devalued for centuries, but I think it could apply in your situation as well. It’s a huge job to take care of a household, and I think it’s really important for you and your husband to work things out so they are more equitable and less stressful for both of you. I really recommend splitting chores by the things you can stand. For example, my husband hates folding laundry so I always do that, but I hate taking out the garbage and he always does that. If you base your system around that, it might be easier as you transition into more chores and he continues with the ones that will be his responsibility. I find this really cuts down on snarky comments, too. Good luck!
Killer Kitten Heels
Okay, you’ve gotten a metric ton of advice, but I figured I’d chime in on the practical side of things, since there doesn’t seem to be as much of that going on here as you probably need.
Here’s the deal – I HATE housework, AND I spend more time outside the home than my H does for work, AND I have lower housekeeping standards than he does. When we first started living together it… did not go well on the housework front. What we ended up doing – after going around in circles about who “should” do what for about a year – is figure out what each of us could live with, housework wise, and then divide things up accordingly.
Example: dishes in the sink drive him bonkers, so he’s in charge of loading/unloading the dishwasher (because I’m bad about putting clean dishes away and don’t really care if used ones are in the sink waiting to be loaded). I’m particular about what we eat, so I’m 100% in charge of food shopping and cooking. I’m also an attorney and don’t mind the phone, so I handle the household-management stuff like finding service providers, keeping the bills on schedule, etc. We each do our own laundry so we don’t have to worry about sticking to the other’s schedule. We’ve both dropped our standards on certain issues where the other person isn’t quick to do the task, but we don’t care enough to 100% do it ourselves (cough::cleaning the oven::cough). Another thing – think about your personality types. My H is a “do a little every day” type of housekeeper, while I’m more of a “spend 5 hours once a week” kind of housekeeper. Once we figured that out, we were able to divide tasks in a way that fit each of our styles (instead of H’s original plan, which was to try to nag me into being his kind of housekeeper, which… nope, not happening, sorry honey).
The goal, for us, isn’t equality, necessarily, but instead, fairness, where “fair” means we each do slightly more housework than we’d prefer, get slightly less in certain areas than we’d like, and ultimately end up with a home environment we’re both comfortable in – it’s not perfect, but we’re both a lot happier with each other now than we were when H was trying to get me to clean daily, getting angry and spite-cleaning everything himself every day when I wouldn’t clean daily, and then snapping about how he “already did it” when I went to do a chore on the weekends.
lost academic
His “extra” work is NOT optional. I think you don’t understand his job. I’m impressed he works so little, and it doesn’t matter what field he’s in. Your comments that I’ve seen in this thread really suggest that you don’t understand the expectations of success in his role.
Anonymous
Yeah, chiming in here as a lawyer (former BigLaw, now government) who is the daughter of an academic, who has had tenure since before I was born. I’m not trying to pile on, I hope this comment is helpful. But what would you actually have to do at *your* job to get fired? Not have people stop giving you work, not get the side-eye, but actually GET FIRED. Because that is what you are saying renders his research “optional.” When I was in Biglaw, to be honest, you’d be phased off work and eventually let go if you didn’t work hard, but it would take a pretty long time to get fired (outside of the big layoffs that happened in 2008-2009). But you’d find it crazy-making if your husband argued that you wouldn’t *actually* get fired for missing that meeting/ leaving early twice a week/ etc. etc. right? We all have to make a good impression on the right people at work to keep our careers moving forward.
Anonymous
Seems like hiring someone to deep clean every two weeks would be a lot cheaper (and simpler) than therapy, or a divorce…
Anonymous
Yeah… obviously this couple is high earning. Where the heck is their money going, as she implied that simply hiring a housecleaner is causing stress. Something is off here….
Anon For This
Actually, we are not remotely high earning by the standards of this s!te. We earn mid-five figures each in a fairly high cost of living area and we have student loan debt and dependent family members. We live frugally and within our means, but are by no means rich. As others have pointed out here before, high-achieving and highly educated does not necessarily translate to high-earning. Maybe a cleaning service would be worth the sacrifices we would have to make to afford it, but it would be a significant expense for us, and it is not something we could do without making any changes to our lifestyle, like many others here could. Just something to think about before you jump to conclusions about people’s finances…
Kt
Love, you and your husband combined make a six figure income. Regardless of people on this site or where you live, that puts you in far upper middle class/wealthy territory.
People do more with far less. Check your privilege and evaluate where you can cut back for the sake of the marriage
Anon For This
KT, you really don’t know anything about our finances. But since you seem interested, here is a more complete picture: We make less than $70,000 a year combined after taxes. We have a (not especially nice) one bedroom apartment for which our annual payment (over $25,000) is more than one-third of our annual take home pay. We have almost $200,000 in student loan debt, and we spend more than $10,000 a year supporting a family member.
I did not say we are not comfortable (we are). We can pay our electric bill and put food on the table and I know that alone makes us better off than a lot of people. In addition, we can indulge in small luxuries like the occasional modest weekend getaway or $4 latte. I know this makes us better off than another large group of people. But I don’t know anyone who would call us “far upper middle class/wealthy territory.” I also didn’t say we could not afford a cleaning service if we made it our number 1 priority. We could, and maybe it’s something we have to do. I was just challenging the assumption that it is an easy decision for us financially, and it’s not. It’s just not. We have modest incomes for our area and a lot of debt and financial obligations and $200 a month would eat significantly into our strict budget. Choosing to spend money on that would mean not spending money on something else that might be good for our marriage, like a weekend away. Doesn’t mean that it may not be the right decision for us, and certainly “get a cleaning service” is a valid comment, but the “check your privilege” comments are really uncalled for. It’s legitimate for me to say this is is not an easy decision for us because of finances, even though we are objectively financially comfortable.
Anonymous
YES to the outsourcing suggestions below. Ask yourself, if you were to get divorced over this fight, what would you do with these issues? Eat out more? Hire a maid? Wear less clothes? Then do that instead of getting divorced and see if it helps.
I will ALSO say though, that “chores” can take many forms. Who manages the finances, pays the bills, organizes/does the taxes? Buys the food/clothes? Who plans vacations? Who researches nights out? All of that stuff counts because it needs to get done.
Anon For This
Yes. I do all of our bill-paying, taxes, financial management, shopping, and arranging for things like plumbers when needed (I also plan vacations but I can’t really count that, because if it were up to him we wouldn’t take vacations), and we each do our own laundry. So I think the balance is somewhat more even than the statement that he does 80% of the cooking, cleaning and dog-walking would suggest. I do think he does more household work overall, but I think I don’t “get credit” for some of the stuff I do that is more behind the scenes, like managing the finances, and that it has been bothering me.
Elizabeth Bennet
This is just another reason to get out the wine and have a conversation about this. All of this stuff is work, just as much as walking the dog. (I refer to myself as the Chief Procurement Officer of my household because my husband hates shopping.) There’s no magic balance of chores; there’s just what makes you both reasonably happy and satisfies your needs.
Also, your reference to vacation makes me think that my earlier advice about leisure time and work-life balance might be spot on. My academic husband also really has a hard time taking vacation. One of the weird things about tenure is that one of the “perks” is a flexible schedule with some down time, but it’s so hard to get to tenure that the people who make it never actually can take advantage of that flexibility or down time. (I have clerked for federal judges — with LIFETIME APPOINTMENTS! — and they are exactly the same way. The drive that got them to the appointment also doesn’t let them slack off. It’s a good thing for our country, but perhaps not super-easy to live with.)
Anon29
Do you know what we call tenured faculty who default to doing the minimum? Dead wood. Do you want to be married to dead wood? No, right. Please support him. Research isn’t a hobby. It’s a passion to develop innovative ideas and improve our world. He doesn’t have to but he should. That’s why he’s in academia.
Uncle Samuel
I have to write a **f a t** check to Uncle Sam this year, and DH and I are to blame because we didn’t plan our with holdings during 2015. How do I better manage this for 2016?
I know the 1040-ES form is out there, but is there any other, more user friendly way, to figure this out? We have salaries, (big and unpredictable) bonuses, a mortgage, a few tax exempt things (401k, HSA, health insurance premiums) that will bring taxable income down, but nothing extraordinary to speak of. How do you plan for this? Should I create my own “escrow” savings account and sweep money in each month to build up a reserve to apply toward tax bill due for 2016? Adjust our W4s? Bosth? What calculator do you use to estimate or do you just do the pen-and-paper 1040-ES? TIA!
Anonymous
I only claim 1 exemption and have an extra $x withheld per pay period on federal and something similar on state. Look at the whole W-4, which your HR people should have. Then fill out / give back to them. Easy.
OP
How do you determine the difference in withholding when you increase the exemption by 1?
OP
ETA: *allowance, not exemption.
KT
I’d adjust your W-4s to make life simple. Whatever amount you owe, add on whatever percentage you expect your raise to be, and divide that by amount of pay periods, and add that as an additional withholding on your W4.
So for simplicity’s sake, let’s say you owe $1,000 and you’re going to get a 5% raise. So then say you owe $1,050 and you get paid once a month. Divide it by 12, and you will withhold an extra $87 each pay period.
This isn’t an exact to the penny formula, but it will get you very close to what you actually need to withhold and if you do owe anything next time, it will be a very small amount rather than a choking surprise :)
Anonattorney
Just find a tax calculator online and estimate your tax bill. Then adjust your withholding on your W4. Then make sure you have a bit extra in savings set aside next April.
Ellen
Yay, Kat! I love this lamp, and did NOT know you have Seaseonal Afective Disorder. Grandma Trudy has this and she has a very similear sun lamp, but she has used it to much for many years, and now look’s like a raisin! FOOEY!
As for the OP, I spoke with my dad, and he says as long as you do NOT have to pay a penalty, it is better that you owe the IRS then them oweing you, b/c you are makeing a tax-free loan to the goverment when you OVER-WITHHOLD.
Dad take’s care of everything for me, other then the acountant who file’s our return’s and dad says that the IRS usueally does NOT know how much you owe until YOU file your tax return’s b/c they do NOT have access to all of the broker’s stuff to peece everything together yet. That is YOUR job when you fill out the tax return’s. FOOEY! Why should we be doeing their job for them, he say’s? I agree.
But if you just pay what you HAVE to, you will mabye owe more, but at least YOU have that money all year, not the IRS. Dad think’s that there are onley about 500 smart peeople in all of DC and mabye 3 or 4 of them are all his freind’s in the IRS, and he know’s to call them if he get’s into an issue with a local revenue examiner. It is good to have his freinds in high place’s he says. I agree. YAY!!!!
Anon in NYC
This happened to me. I adjusted my W-4 to be “married withhold at the higher single rate” but I didn’t add additional withholding. I created a separate savings account and transferred the money that I would have withheld on my paycheck into the account every pay period.
anon a mouse
Can you figure out what happened this year that threw your withholding off? Are you recently married? Are you getting hit with AMT? Did you recently buy a house? Are your bonuses being taxed at your regular rate instead of a higher bonus rate?
Unless you figure out what’s causing this, you can up your withholding but you may run up against something similar in the future.
OP
So the tax bill is based on a TurboTax run from over the weekend. I don’t have all of my tax docs yet – notably my 1099s for accounts that earned immaterial interest – so I’m not filing yet, but the $5k bill is probably not changing much.
We are recently married and I am recently in job with considerably higher pay than prior job (2x +, 60% of which is a fluctuating bonus). Very fortunate, but also very struggling to manage it. It’s likely I will have a higher bonus in 2016 than 2015, maybe as much as $25k more, but likely not more than that. We also bought a house last year so have mortgage interest and real estate tax bills to help us, but only a partial year since we bought in June. In 2016 we’ll have a full year of that, plus a new HSA contribution, in addition to 401k contributions (which we had in 2015 also). 2016 will be our first “normalized” year in about two years with a full year at the high paying job and full year of house benefits.
ORD
Marriage penalty! DH and I make the same exact salary (gov’t work, same pay grade) but to account for AMT and marriage penalty, I withhold double the amount he does on our W-4s. So he withholds for married plus 3 exemptions, I withhold at 0 exemptions plus a large amount of additional withholding, which I calculate each year when I do our taxes and see how much we owe over the withholding.
Anonattorney
Why does DH take any exemptions? If he just didn’t take the exemptions, would you still have to do additional withholding?
ORD
I set it up that way – I want to see how much the marriage penalty costs us.
Meg Murry
When you do get your bonuses? Is it near the end of the calendar year?
When you finish with TurboTax this year, it will tell you an “actual tax rate” as a percentage. When you get that bonus check, you can do a quick check on how much your total income has been and how much has been set aside for taxes so far – and if not enough money has been set aside, you can set that much aside from your bonus in a savings account.
I thought you were going to say a much fatter number than $5k. My husband is self employed and we have rental properties, so we just set aside an estimated amount of money in a savings account all year for tax time (which also serves as a buffer for our emergency fund). After we pay Uncle Sam, we throw the rest of that money at whatever our biggest debt is at the time (or whatever debt can be paid off, like one last lingering student loan) like the mortgage, and then start saving up again.
Also, look to make sure the higher number isn’t due to a new tax situation you weren’t aware of. For instance, we have to pay local income tax and a local school district tax to the city where we live – totally not common in our area, and the first year we did our taxes after moving to that city we got hit with a huge bill because we hadn’t had anything withdrawn for that.
We did lots of calculations but basically found that the personal “escrow” account as you mentioned was the easiest way to go – although in your case you might be better off just doing it as a small amount each month plus a big chunk of the bonus check.
Not a financial professional, BTW – so feel free to take my advice with many grains of salt.
Blonde Lawyer
I just want to clarify one comment – though I could be wrong. Bonuses may be withheld at a higher rate but they are not taxed at a higher rate. At the end of the year, it doesn’t matter if you made $100,000 in salary or $70,000 in salary and $100,000 in wages. The total amount of tax paid to Uncle Sam should be the same. By “paid to Uncle Sam” I mean either through withholding less a refund or withholding plus paying more or just withholding if guessed correctly.
Also, when estimating what you need withheld, remember we have a progressive tax. So, if you make 100k, that doesn’t mean you pay 28% on everything. Rather, it’s 28% on the amount over $90,750. You pay $18,481 on the amount under which is 10% of the first $9,225, 15% of $9,226-$37,450 and 25% of $37,451-$90,750.
Blonde Lawyer
Grrr: Meant to say “At the end of the year, it doesn’t matter if you made $100,000 in salary or $70,000 in salary and $30,000 in bonus, you have $100,000 wages. “
OP
Understood on both points — I think I’m going to take the advice below, find an accountant for a one-time calculation for us. I’m pretty financially savvy, but taxes just do me in. I’d rather not think about it so my strategy of not thinking about it but also not having to write this annual check can only be fixed by a professional. Thanks for the input everyone!
Anon0321
BL you are correct about withholdings v. Taxes- it drives me crazy how many super intelligent people can’t understand this.
We got hit with $20k in extra taxes last year. We realized in Jan, so we were able to readjust our expenses and savings before April, but it sucked big time! I couldn’t totally figure out why it happened but I think some combination of random huge pay bumps, marriage and both of us making a lot more
For this year, what we did was take the extra money, divide it by 12, and withhold that much extra per month. You can run the numbers quarterly and adjust going fed as needed.
I’m sure we’ll still owe a little, but nowhere near as much as last year, I hope.
Anon
Find an accountant you love and periodically get advise during the year as your unexpected stuff occurs. Accountants are usually not busy outside of tax season and it won’t be that expensive. Worrying over taxes is pointless so just address the solution and move on.
Anon
Agree. My accountant talks to me maybe once or twice a year, briefly when issues arise at no charge. Then, I deduct his expense for doing my taxes on the next years tax return. It is not a huge expense and something I can easily outsource. Every year after he does the return, we have a quit chat about whether I need to adjust withholdings and any other tips he has for the following year. Totally worth it.
Anonymous
Always check the witholding on your bonus. My company does 25%. I’m I the 40% tax bracket. Life got a lot easier when I realized the first thing I do with my bonus is make sure I’ve money for the taxes on my bonus itself.
Anonymous
This. We hit the 35% bracket but my bonus is end of year and taxed at 25%. It’s also 25% of my overall income so it makes a difference.
I withhold at the sin me rate with 0 exemptions despite being married with a kid. DH withholds 0 plus several hundred extra each paycheck.
We are getting $3k back from the state this year and $100 from the Feds. We hit the AMT in a big way due to our high real estate taxes and mortgage interest, various dedications, and dependents. I think this year we owe $4-5k more overall due to the AMT but it was covered by the extra withholdings.
Brunchaholic
TJ – Would love suggestions for where I can purchase some workout tanks. Nothing fancy – just loose fitting tank tops that are leggings-friendly (i.e. are long enough to give me frontal coverage). I see some cute Nike tanks, but feel really silly paying the price.
Would love any tips!
KT
I always find good options at Old Navy, TJ Maxx, and Ross
Anonymous
Old Navy has great, very reasonably priced workout gear and you can shop it online.
JJ
Agreed. All my favorite work out tops are from Old Navy.
MarieC
Agreed, and I can usually find one or two good options on the clearance racks for $3-4/piece.
emeralds
Old Navy workout stuff fits me weirdly, but I get a ton of tanks from TJ Maxx!
KateMiddletown
I got a few cute ones at target recently on clearance ~$9/each. The C9 brand is good, but these were just from the juniors dept with sassy workout sayings. I’ve also had luck w/ H&M in the past.
Anonymous
Old navy, gap and Marshalls
Anonymous
Gap on sale are my favorite workout tops (they’re always on sale). I usually pay under $15 for a t-shirt or tank
Florence
6pm.com! I prefer the same thing (long tanks to wear with leggings) and bought a few for $10-$20 each from brands like Nike, Under Armour, and Puma. I used to buy from places like H&M but wanted a bit better quality since the ones I had started falling apart after a few washes.
Inherit This
Tacking onto recent finance discussions – I just inherited a small sum (~10k). I have to choose a lump sum or payment over 5 years. What would you do?
Anonymous
It would depend on a lot of things, but I’d probably take the lump and either pay off student loans or invest.
KT
Do you have any debt at this point? if so, what are the itnerest rates? If you have any high interest debt (over 7%), I’d take the lump sum and pay it off. With what you’d save in interest, it would actually balance out what you’d lose with a lump sum.
Any big expenses coming up? Car, home repair, dental work? A lump sum may be helpful to pay that off in full.
If you don’t have debt or you just have a small amount of low-interest debt, I’d take a pay off over 5 years.
Anonymous
I would take the lump sum, and if you’re worried about blowing it all in one place you can invest in annuities
KateMiddletown
Since you said over 5 years, I’m assuming it’s an IRA? Think about your tax situation right now, and what you think you’ll be making in the next 5 years. When would it behoove you to claim the extra $2K per year as income? Did the person you inherited it from have a financial advisor? I’d talk to her/him first.
Ciao, pues
Those of you who work from home, do you Get Ready For Work in the morning? Like, up, shower, shoes, makeup, etc.? I’m finding myself at two extremes, either I skip the morning routine altogether leaving me looking and feeling blah all day, or my morning routine creeps into my work day and half my day is spent half-working/ half getting ready. Just wondering what others do.
hoola hoopa
I do a morning routine, but I change into weekend clothing and do weekend hair/make up (for me, that’s ponytail/bun and no make up). I have by tea and breakfast, groom, etc at the same time I do if I leave the home. (Unless I’m working from home because I have a conference call at a weird time, etc).
Anonymous
My husband works from home and is so good about getting up early, eating breakfast, showering and getting dressed as if for work. Now, he does a lot of video conference calls and can get asked last minute to go visit clients or meet with coworkers, so that might motivate it, but he says he feels better/more productive when he treats his home office like an out-of-home office and dresses accordingly.
Solo
I get up around 6-7 (depending on day), have coffee, and workout (run outside or yoga). Shower, dressed (jeans or yoga pants and hoodie), maybe some concealer if I’m running errands later in the day but that’s about it, breakfast in my home office. Working by 9-10am. I’m in court maybe once every two weeks, but most days this is my schedule.
techgirl
If I work from home I do my skincare, put my hair up and don’t bother with makeup. However I do wear smart casual office clothing – stretchy pencil skirt with a blouse for example – as it makes me feel more awake. Then I make an espresso and some breakfast and catch up on the news before getting going. It takes maybe an hour?
Anonymous
I’m assuming you mean full time work from home? When I occasionally worked from home, I treated it like a break from the office/routine, so I’d get up for breakfast and change out of PJs, etc., but I’d wear comfy clothes (no makeup, easy hair). If I worked from home all the time, I’d probably still wear comfy clothes but maybe step it up a tiny bit (leggings with tunics instead of hoodies, etc.), so that if I was heading out to run errands, I’d already be presentable.
Solo
My hoodies are totally presentable. :-)
Anonymous
I have kids so mornings are a bit of a rush — I go from jammies to workout clothes as soon as possible once I’m vertical in the mornings, get the kids out the door at 8:30, and do light work/email/continuing education over coffee. Aim to work out and be dressed in day clothes and (light) day makeup by 10 AM. I usually save the shower for the evening when the kids are in bed, TBH.
Bethany
I work from home about three days a week. On those days, I always shower, but typically don’t wear make up, unless I have somewhere to be (meaning lunch with a friend vs a trip to Starbucks). I wear yoga pants (lands end starfish) and something comfortable, but I learned years ago that I need to go through the exercise of changing in the morning and in the evening to separate myself. If you don’t commute there’s no wind down time, so I needed something to mentally turn on and off each day. The other thing that has always helped me is turning the lights on and off in my office. I realize that’s random, but it has helped me separate when I work from home.
Evodia
Everyone here gives such great advice, so I wanted to ask a question about furniture. I’m looking to replace my current sofa, which I bought years ago at Raymour & Flanigan. The quality seemed okay, but it hasn’t held up that well (e.g., some tearing at the seams, purchased in 2009). Does anyone have advice or experience with reliable, high-quality brands? Primarily it’s just my husband and I using the sofa (no kids, but we do have a cat), and we live in an apartment so we can’t have anything huge. Ideally, I’d love something with a high back, and with cushions that are not detachable (i.e., not big pillows on the back — we have that now, and they get all misshapen over time). Any suggestions would be much appreciated!
padi
Room and Board has a lot of options, including options for small spaces. I have had my couch for a year and it still looks like new!
SA
We had really good luck at Macy’s
tesyaa
+1. Macys sofas are really in the same price range as Raymour, yet better quality. We bought some tufted sofas 2 years ago at Macys (no loose back cushions) and they’re holding up to my family’s VERY heavy usage really well.
hoola hoopa
Flexsteel. Very durable and a wide array of design options. I have a few pieces that have held up wonderfully (including a ~12 year old couch with kids), and a friend has a chair that is exactly what you describe (I assume there’s a couch version) that’s very comfortable.
FWIW, Apartment Therapy does periodic round ups of small couches that you might find helpful, but it’s like thissite where the quality hasn’t been field tested outside of online reviews.
Killer Kitten Heels
We custom-designed our sofa with Joybird, and it’s an amazing piece of furniture for the price (plus, I think they just launched a line of “apartment-sized” pieces that may be right up your alley). They’re a little more expensive than Raymour, but 100% worth the increased price.
Jen
I custom designed mine at La-Z-Boy, of all places, and a year later I still adore it (and it still looks brand new).
CKB
We bought LaZBoy furniture for our living room last year and love, love, love it. I hope it holds up. It’s so comfy, and does not have an ‘overstuffed recliner’ vibe at all.
food is life
I have been going back over a certain incident in my mind, and I 1) need empathy and 2) need solutions to make it not happen again. Background: I work in an office with 95% men, and I’m the only female not in an admin position. I am constantly swimming upstream in my field with not understanding sports metaphors, not bashing female and minority political figures, and believing that women can be successful in a traditionally male-dominated field and also raise a family.
We get lunch catered to our office 2-3x a week by wholesalers. Currently in charge of ordering lunch is our admin who enjoys buttery, mashed potato-y, “country” food, and is 8 mos pregnant to boot. (Meaning she can eat a lot without guilt and has announced this on multiple occasions.) I try to eat healthfully because I can’t stay awake after a meal of carbs n’ cheese and because I’m trying to keep off the few pounds I’ve successfully shed. I’ve stated before that I really like salads, and I make sure to show gratitude when she orders, say, a kale salad for a side dish rather than mashed potatoes.
Anyway, I lost it in the lunchroom yesterday when this happened – someone commented to another woman, oh you brought grilled chicken today, and, oh you brought salad to me. Our admin said a few minutes later, “Oh you boys [45-65 year old men] with your chicken fingers and your cookies, that’s so cute.” I definitely lost my cool and asked “How is that cute? Not eating your vegetables is cute?!” I definitely was being the *angry female in the room* and I felt awkward afterwards. Why did I get so angry about that? Why do I keep thinking about it? Should I make a public mea culpa? How do I not let these “oh men are so adorable, aren’t they” type comments bother me?!
Anonymous
Don’t make a public mea culpa! I bet most of the people in that room haven’t thought about the comment since you made it. If anything, apologize to the admin for losing your cool, but not for what you said.
I think the best way to prevent “Oh you brought salad” comments is to acknowledge it in the most boring way possible. “Oh, you brought salad” “Yea, it’s what I was in the mood to have for lunch.”
I know this is just one in a litany of similar events you’re experiencing, but if you can take each one of them at face value and address them individually that might be help save you some frustration.
SA
I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. It was a stupid thing for her to say.
SFedits
Seeking advice on finding workout tops that have built in bras (enough for 32C). Also, petite (5′) so don’t want to end up in a top that is more like a dress! THANK YOU!
Anonymous
The only ones that have ever worked for me at a 32D are Zella and Lululemon. You can get them hemmed, I think.
Bonnie
Try Athleta. They have an entire petite section.
MJ
Ummm, sounds as if this is a hotbutton issue for you, particularly because you don’t feel super-comfortable in this work environment. You just need to do you. Don’t worry about what others eat. Don’t worry about who is or is not pregnant, is or is not male. You eat what you need to eat to be healthy, and if that means not eating the catered stuff as often, so be it.
Your remark sounded really hostile, and frankly, off-kilter. Just let stuff slide. I mean, we’re all in bad moods now and again, but you don’t need to be snippy or judgmental to others _out loud_ at work. Think what you want to think, but no need to say it.
Dee
+1
No one should be commenting on what others are eating in a work a environment.
Anon
You overreacted. You seem to think maybe it’s bc you don’t like being the only non-admin woman – maybe you need a change? It is fine to look for another job for any reason, including not loving your coworkers.
Anon
Also, I’d feel within my rights to plan lunch out or eat lunch early or late to avoid this lunch crowd entirely if it’s the exact opposite of what your lunch taste is. My old firm used to bring in cheap, nasty sandwiches for lunch and I’d purposefully avoid – I felt it was a statement on the fact that I thought they were wasting money and my time on food that made me sick. As Chevy Chase says, “thank you very little”.
Marion
Ugh, please don’t tell women in male dominated industries just to let things slide. We do. 100 times. Every day. When we react it’s usually a final straw to a camel’s back situation.
Anonymama
But this didn’t even seem to have anything to do with anything else. I don’t even understand what set her off… She’s resentful that other people don’t eat healthy and that it makes her feel like an outsider? She wants carbs but can’t have them so she is annoyed at people who do eat them? No one said anything at all out of line to her, and it’s weird to get outraged because someone says politely, oh, I see you have a salad. It sounds like she is annoyed that adult men don’t eat salads? Or that someone was teasing them about it? (Because to me, it sounds like the admin was makin a joke that they were eating like children, hence the “boys” and “that’s cute,” not condoning it.)
OP
Thanks for your honesty. It was, as Marion above describes, a straw that broke the camels back, and often these things are totally harmless comments that end up getting a disproportionate response. As you surmise, I may well have been hangry as well as angry :) I think it’s just the culture of the firm I’m at where (some feel) women are to serve men, and men get their ways, and I don’t do that. I was asked to contribute a dish to an office potluck, for example, where the men in my same role were not. Or, those who sign up have their wives do it for them. I get VERY frustrated at women who feel they are to serve men in ways outside of their defined roles – fetching breakfast every morning, arranging anniversary plans for their wives, helping to rent out their vacation homes, etc. This particular admin is definitely a nurturer, and I get frustrated by the way she often lets things slide, and “lets the boys be boys.” I mixed my points when I was venting — the politics of food and what people are choosing to eat thing is one issue and the men getting their way by default is another, though they do intertwine in this case, at my office.
c
I’m hoping to find some HR software for a nonprofit, about 150 employees, to make onboarding, new hire paperwork, employee notes to file, absence/benefit changes, etc. a little easier, under 1 password.
cost-effective is a must. Easy to use is a must.
Any options?
MJ
Zenefits?
mornings
Jumping off the morning routine comment above…
I recently discovered a small switch that gets me out the door much more quickly. What I’ve always done is get completely ready for work (shower, dress, makeup, hair, coat & shoes) before walking the dog. This seemed logical, since I didn’t have to put shoes/coat on two times. But often I would dawdle getting ready and end up being late after waking the dog. Recently I’ve started taking the dog out first thing – even before coffee – and it’s greatly improved my routine. Since I can always skip a complicated hairstyle or outfit, but can’t skip the dog walk, it makes my morning less stressful. Such an inane tip, but it has really improved my day!
Curious as to what other tricks/tips you have found that improve and calm your morning routines?
KateMiddletown
I’d particularly like to hear how people deal with the getting the kids ready thing – do you get ready yourself 100% then get the kids up/ready, or do you get ready intermittently while they’re getting ready/you’re getting them ready? I personally am at least 60% dressed/made up before I wake my daughter up, but sometimes she decides to wake up early and I’m totally thrown off.
Anonymous
When my daughter was a preschooler who woke up early, I would plop her in front of PBS Kids with a snack trap of Cheerios and a spill-proof cup of milk while I got ready, then get her ready. Now that she is a poky tween who hates to get up in the morning and takes forever to do anything, I shower while she is still asleep, drag her out of bed, make lunches while she eats her breakfast so I am in the same room and can frequently nag her to hurry up, and then do my hair and makeup with periodic nag breaks while she gets dressed, combs her hair, and brushes her teeth. When I am out of town, my husband’s system is to get himself 100% ready before he wakes her up and then stand outside her door the entire time she is getting ready.
nutella
Man, this cracked me up. Kids!
Anonymous
How old are your kids? I am assuming younger than mine, so this would not help you.
I put my 6 year old’s clothes out on a chair in his room the night before, and make sure everything except his packed lunch is in his school bag.
I get him up, and take him downstairs, and give him his breakfast then go upstairs and start my morning routine (hair/ a little makeup).
And then, I bribe him. If he eats his breakfast, comes upstairs, pees, brushes his teeth (in my bathroom, I help although I make him do it first himself), then goes and gets dressed, I let him have my iPad for 10 minutes while I finish up and get dressed.
In the interim, my older son has gotten up, and it is his job to get the lunch boxes out of the fridge and put his little brother’s in his backpack.
The older ones I just mostly nag, “you are going to be late, get out the door slowpokes”.
Then I walk the little one to the school bus stop and kiss his little face before he gets on.
Full disclosure, I totally had a nanny when the bigger kids were little.
Anon
I have a teenager, a 1st grader, and a pre-schooler. The teenager gets herself up and ready (mostly on time. . .) The 1st grader gets himself up and gets dressed in the clothes we picked out the night before. Bags and lunches are packed the night before. He gets the lunch from the fridge and puts it in his bag. I get him breakfast and he eats at the table, sometimes with the TV. The pre-schooler is not a morning person and we wait to wake her up until the rest of us are pretty much ready. My husband helps her get dressed and eat breakfast while I finish up my hair. Then I comb her hair and my husband takes them all to school.
TigerMom
I have a 12 m/o and a 3 y/o. I wake up and diaper /dress both kids while husband gets ready. When he’s done his stuff he takes them to eat breakfast while I get ready (shower, makeup hair etc). Bottles, lunches and clothes are all laid out the night before. Lately I’ve been thrown off this schedule by big kid tantrums so I am not sure how long our efficiency will last. I also buy and prepare a bunch of breakfast items ready in the fridge: boiled eggs, turkey, cut and washed fruit, beans etc.
hoola hoopa
This is pretty basic, but I get dressed before I get my kids up because I am always late if I think I’ll find the time after they are awake. So I put my robe on over my clothing and put my shoes by the front door. I don’t have to worry about fingerprints or nose rubs and can easily run around during their routine, then slip off the robe and slip into my shoes at the last second.
Spirograph
This is smart. Unfortunately, I can’t get myself out of bed before my kids wake up (6:30ish) so I probably will never adopt it. DH and I divide and conquer getting kids ready…I finish up getting myself ready once I’ve plopped them in front of their breakfast (which is not even really breakfast, since they eat that at daycare, just some food to occupy them for 10 min so I can get dressed and they don’t turn into hangry monsters).
MarieC
I’m on my own in the mornings, husband leaves before kids are up ~5:30ish to be home early. I’ve always managed to just get ready while the kids are playing. It helps that we have a bathroom attached to a playroom now, but even before I would set up a small play tub in the master bedroom and let them have at it. Just like with everything parenting related, some days are hard and some easier. Kind of like what OP said, some days I skip the complicated outfit or makeup but I can’t skip my sleep (b/c kids are already waking up so early). The kids are in close proximity so if there’s an urgent request to have me participate in the play, I can do so if I feel like it. Other times it’s a tug-of-war teaching them there are time they need to play on their own (they’re both under 4). Sometimes I have morning snacks for them, sometimes not (breakfast bars and milk, for example).
With kids, I just think it’s important to be flexible. And keep your sense of humor. Nothing is going to stop you from showing up to work with drool on shirt because someone is teething and needs cuddles. And, how lucky we are to have the privilege of cuddling those sweet kids. Even if I miss clean clothes.
Ciao, pues
what’s in the play tub? (great idea!)
MarieC
Thanks! Random things that I know they liked. I rotated the toys, and some migrated naturally by being carried around. Definitely nothing that could make an artsy mess–so no crayons or markers. I think it was dolls, stacking cups, several books that were age appropriate, some talking/singing toys, toys remotes… toy cell phones are a big hit right now. Because it was in my room I wanted the toys to be relatively easy to pick up, or not painful if accidentally stepped on when not picked up.
The other that has really helped is listening to music in the mornings, with epic dance parties when the mood strikes. And some mornings when I think the kids are too cray, I put on classical music and it does calm them down.
anon
Picking out what I want to wear the night before and having it all ready to go so I can go into not quite awake robot mode is really helpful!
techgirl
On the same note, I have rearranged my setup so all my work clothes are in the same area – I have found this a lot easier rather than looking through generic top and bottom sections. Doesn’t get me out of bed quicker but speeds me up once I am!
KateMiddletown
This is genius! I think I need to Kondo my closet a bit and put up diagrams of what goes with what to have just a quick and dirty flowchart of what to wear in the morning. I’m notorious for choosing an outfit then scrapping it when I realize, say, all my black tights are dirty.
SA
I’m having a freak out today and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about it.
I work about 5 miles from home, I have a middle schooler and and elementary schooler, in the mornings I bring MSer to the bus at 7:10 then the ESer before school care and get to work at 730. Today my company got notice that we didn’t renew our lease and the management company found a new tenant, we have 60 days to move. Our COO is not organized and he is in charge of choosing a location.
From what I hear there are two options, one would make my commute 27 miles (about 50 minutes each way) and the other is a reasonable distance. The one that is a reasonable is the tenant that is moving in here and they want 60 days to renovate this space. So I can surmise that my company will not choose to be homeless and I am about to have a 50 minute commute. I’ve lived that life in the past and I hated it. I intentionally chose this company because of the commute.
Also, last week I was contacted by a recruiter for a very interesting position that I turned down flat because of the commute but now it would be less than this undesirable location!
I’m so frustrated!
NYC tech
Hugs, that’s awful. Take a deep breath, have a glass of wine once the kids are in bed tonight, and tomorrow start to tackle all your options for ameliorating the situation. Call the recruiter back and tell him circumstances have changed and you want to throw your hat in the ring. Volunteer to the COO to help look into relocation options (if that makes sense with your position). Throw together a telecommuting proposal for 3 days a week for your current job. Check the job listings. Brainstorm with your partner tonight about other options. Do whatever it takes to maximize your options. And again, hugs, that sucks.
CHJ
How big is your company and what is your role? I had something similar threaten to happen a few years ago, and I volunteered to help find the new office space because it was so important to me. I was able to veto a terrible location and nag the real estate broker to get us into a building that I really liked (and the one we ultimately got!)
I’d also reach out to the recruiter that you rejected and see if you can get back in the running. Can’t hurt, right?
SA
You’re right it can’t. Less than 100 employees in this company, I’m a project manager. I do my work and take on anything the COO doesn’t want but my boss is a VP. One of the other VPs was just in his office pitching her neighborhood to him. Also not good for me.
I think I have to reach out to the recruiter.
I left a position I really liked to come here because of the location. That was 26 miles away. Cry.
Wildkitten
Hosting a baby shower in DC this weekend. What should I do? Order balloons/decorations from somewhere? Get decorations at Target? Order sandwiches from Costco?
Anonymous
At your home? Or where?
Personally, I’d order flowers, make a couple quiches, tea sandwiches, cup cakes, and lemon bars.
Maddie Ross
This. Order flowers or get a bunch wholesale and arrange around your home. Make a couple of quiches (veggie and non-veggie) and order cupcakes. Get fancy sparkling/Italian sodas and mimosa makings (if mom-to-be is ok with it) and call it a day. To me, this is an occasion to pull out the nice glassware and china, but paper goods are totally ok too.
Maddie Ross
Oh, and you don’t have to make quiches – whole foods has awesome quiches that are ready to be baked in the prepared food section.
Anonymous
Buy a “Welcome, Baby” sign off Etsy. Fresh flowers and beverages from Trader Joe’s. I’d make a few quiches, a quinoa salad (can get frozen from Trader Joe’s and then jazz it up with a vinaigrette and fresh parsley), and put out a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies with hummus.
You could also just get all the food from Costco or Wegmans also has really good catering.
L in DC
Buy a “Welcome, Baby” sign off Etsy. Fresh flowers and beverages from Trader Joe’s. I’d make a few quiches, a quinoa salad (can get frozen from Trader Joe’s and then jazz it up with a vinaigrette and fresh parsley), and put out a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies with hummus.
You could also just get all the food from Costco or Wegmans also has really good catering.
SC
How many people are going to be there? How much time do you have this week before the shower? How traditional do you want the shower to be?
Assuming you’re not hosting a full meal, I would probably order sandwiches and a cake, plus plan to have some other light appetizers and some fruit. I’d also plan to have some nice beverages – maybe infused water, nice iced tea, juice, and/or (if the mama-to-be won’t be offended) sparkling wine.
As for decorations, you can get by with pretty simple stuff. Balloons are fine. My MIL ordered some plain white onesies, ironed on some decals, and hung them up on a wire for decorations. She also used some small stuffed animals as table decorations. You could also just make a nice arrangement out of flowers from Costco when you pick up sandwiches.
If you want an activity or two, I liked having people write stuff on diapers – it’s optional, and even though it’s silly, it was fun for DH and me. I attended another shower recently where everyone wrote an encouraging note to the mother-to-be to read at some time when she was struggling. That’s not really my style, but it was sweet.
Anonymous
Costco ;)
(also flowers from TJ’s for sure.)
Carrots
Any good sites to help with writing a CV? I’ve only used resumes in the past and am putting together a fellowship application that requests a CV. TIA!
Rachel
Just moved from FL up north. My husband totally suffers from SAD— I’m going to get this for him for valentine’s day (so romantic, right?!)!! Great idea! Make today work, Rachel CubicleCouture
guys-hoodies.com
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slyle hoodies
Funny design hoodies are wonderful for children, and our fun hoodies for men and ladies conjure a smile on people’s faces.
navy-hoodies.com
Relaxed fit through physique. Sweater hits under waist.