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Updated: Feb 18, 2022 257 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Report: Mila Ruched Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Stylish Sheath Dress: La Petite Robe di Chiara Boni

Happy Monday! Today's splurge is a bit of a deal — this lovely jersey sheath dress is on sale. Admittedly, it's from $590 to $413, but I'll take any discount on the beautiful, sleek sheath dresses from La Petite Robe. Lots of sizes are left (2-14 — and huzzah for a big designer who has anything bigger than size 10), at Saks. La Petite Robe di Chiara Boni Mila Cap-Sleeve Ruched Sheath Cocktail Dress 

This Classiques Entier dress is fairly similar but down to $113; here's a nice plus-size option.

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Comments

  1. Stocking Stuffers

    Hi guys, looking for ideas on what I can get for my husband’s stocking. I went big on a gift for him and so I still want to do a stocking but just have the items be pretty small/inexpensive. Probably nothing over $20. So far I have a bag of nice coffee and a chocolate bar… and I am stumped. FWIW he is a 30 year old lawyer, likes cooking and sports. Personal care items are out because he just stocked up on a bunch of those! Does anyone have great go-to stocking ideas?

    • Clementine

      Nice spices or seasonings
      Fun cooking utensils (like a Nessie ladle)
      Pens or pencils with his favorite team’s logo on them
      Nice beef/venison/elk/kangaroo jerky
      A tide stick (all the men in my office have these, none of the women)
      A good tire pressure gauge if he drives

      • jerky?

        What qualifies a nice “jerky”?

        I have an asian relative and someone told me this was a good stocking stuffer??!?!?!

        • Clementine

          ‘Nice’ jerky to me is the locally or artisan made, organic or otherwise unique jerky I get at my local butcher shop.

          Regarding the cultural relevance, associations and appropriateness of jerky as a gift for various persons: no idea, dude. I mean, I wouldn’t give it if someone is vegetarian, but I don’t get at all how being Asian feeds into stocking stuffers…

          • jerky?

            Thanks.

            Only reason ethnicity is relevant is my Asian relative does not like any of the sweet treats we always put in stockings so we were searching for things she might like instead. A Chinese friend said salty/savory snacks are better and mentioned jerky as being more commonly given for something like this.

    • CPA Lady

      I got my husband one of those silicon things that you set your iPhone in and it amplifies the sound. I think it was about $10.

      Tiny bottles of liquor?

    • Veronica Mars

      A nice pair of socks? Vineyard vines has nice dress socks for $20. You could also get some kitchen gadgets at Marshalls/TJ Maxx (extra spatulas, spoons, doodads etc.). For women (in case anyone needs ideas) Forever21 has a great stocking stuffer section with stuff like beauty items (mirrors, makeup bags, etc), hair doodads, socks, etc. You could also look for some food samples (different kinds of salts, seasonings from Penzey’s, etc.)

    • Suburban

      Collar stays! They sell little vials at brooks brothers. The men in my life are forever losing collar stays.

    • AIMS

      Pottery Barn has some cute little leather items like a business card holder for around $10, that you can monogram for $9 more (or not). I was thinking of ordering a few as small gifts, though if any one has seen in person – I’d love to hear what you thought.

    • anon a mouse

      Fun candies – I like to go to World Market and buy splurge-y international candies. Japanese Pocky, Aero bars, British tea cakes, etc.

      Movie tickets.

      We always got a tin of Altoids in our stockings growing up, so that’s a tradition I’ve kept up in adulthood.

    • lsw

      My mom still puts a whole bunch of gum in our Christmas stockings, which I love. We get something like 8-10 packs of Orbit gum and I love my Christmas gum!

  2. Helena

    Beautiful dress but a little too rich for me!

    So, we got our year end reviews last week. The biggest feedback was that I need to be more “outwardly confident” – he even said he doesn’t know how I would do that, but I think the point was that I need to have a better presence with clients and in meetings. I’m really not sure what to do with this one, has anyone ever been told something similar? What did you do?

    • Anonymous

      Check your posture first! Are you standing up straight? Do you walk in a room with a smile and extend your hand for a handshake? Just that along goes a long way to make people feel like you are confident. And don’t say you are sorry before giving your opinion!

      • Helena

        I appreciate the comments, but I actually do all of these things! I guess that’s partly what I really have no idea outside of maybe just being louder or talking more (I do tend to let higher ranking employees talk more or limit my comments to those I think are really important when we have a lot of people).

    • Sacha

      I think this is a go-to critique from men of their junior women. They want you to hold yourself more like a man right up until the moment you actually do it, at which point they seat you down to put you in your place. Or at least that is my experience.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. My boss wanted to see more executive presence out of me until I demonstrated it, and then he said I was being too pushy/emotional.

      • Anonymous

        Yup, this. It’s an inherently $exist comment. My solution was to leave. I know that probably doesn’t help you very much. But asking for specific examples to make them realize they don’t have any is a good start.

      • yvonne

        This. It happens a lot. Be prepared to be put in your place if you show presence or behave in any way like you know what you are doing….

      • Anonymous

        These comments are not helpful. Do they have some truth to them? Maybe. But if every time you get feedback you think, “There is nothing I need to change. This is a man/sexist/discrimination problem,” you will never grow.

        If you really cannot think of anything you could do to exude more confidence, spend the next month thinking about your behavior/speech more consciously with an eye toward whether you could do it/say it more confidently. You will notice something.

        If you continue to get this feedback despite those efforts, or if you get negative feedback for being too confident, then maybe call it to your supervisor’s attention so you are not the victim of some unconscious bias.

        • Sacha

          I agree that one should not assume feedback from a male superior to be just a sexist comment and not try to figure out a way to implement it. But this one in particular seems to be a recurring theme from men of a certain generation who just don’t know what they want from a rising female report but know they shouldn’t admit to being uncomfortable with women in the workplace. The OP was specifically told by the reviewer himself that he could not think of how she could implement this critique. That speaks loudly to me. In my case, I was told this over and over by someone who suggested I should have a “bit more swagger” around the office and tout my accomplishments, but as soon as I would mention an accomplishment to someone in front of him, he would belittle it. Every time I spoke up at a meeting he would apologize for it before anyone else had an opportunity to react. And on the occasion that I suggested a tweak to a strategy in a client meeting, after he asked my opinion, he turned red faced and walked around the room saying “NO, NO, NO. I know that you’re trying to prove your worth here but we are going to [do it this way.]” The client actually agreed with me but backed down himself in the face of the partner’s temper tantrum. He later fired the partner and told me he’d like to just hire me, but understood that was impossible. I have asked other partners what they think and they disagreed with the criticism. In fact they make a point of including me in client-facing meetings.

          • Helene

            Don’t let a male boss bully you. Mine wanted to sleep with me, but I told him no soap. You should do the same.

      • Anon

        When I’ve had this comment (and u have from some not all), I’ve felt it was sexist too. I think the man is communicating “I’d feel more comfortable putting you out there as my protégée if you were a man,” and he wants you to figure out a way to fix that issue for him. Not that this guy is consciously being sexist, but I’d look for other folks to make introductions to clients and put you out there. This guy might not be able to help you. At best he sounds like a Jack Donaguy character from 30 Rock. The heart of confidence for me is preparation and practice. Also, well placed silence in a conversation, rather than bullying, conveys confidence to me. Asking questions designed to lead the other side to your point of view or point out their weakness can also show confidence.

    • LAnon

      A frequent recommendation around here, but have you read Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office? There may be some things in there that you do in meetings – stuff like not sitting at the conference table, tucking one leg under, qualifying your statements – that you might find helpful.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Take up more space at the table too. Spread your papers out. Do you tend to poll people before making a decision? I was really guilty of that. I’d want everyone’s input first. Then it’s not really my idea or my decision but the groups. There are times you need input but times you don’t.

        • Runner 5

          +1 on taking up more space. Bizarrely, it was skiing that has helped teach me to take up the amount of space I’m entitled to. Skiing like I didn’t deserve to be given space on the mountain was difficult and slow and actually quite painful. Swooshing down the slope like I deserve to makes it so much easier.

    • Emmer

      I haven’t gotten direct feedback on this before, but I found that my reviews went from “good” to “excellent” when I went from just doing whatever the partner told me to do to finding ways to add my own thoughts and insights, even when they conflicted with that of the partner. This won’t work in all environments, but if your superiors do actually value your input, I would work on finding ways to share your thoughts and new ideas without apology or hedging (i.e., never using “sorry” or other qualifiers that your opinion might not be valuable).

  3. LondonLeisureYear

    Favorite body washes? Bonus points if the scent would work for both men and women. Used Lush’s Flying Fox for years but they discontinued it and now I have to find something new to use.

    • Sacha

      Molton Brown ticks the unisex box for me. There are nice sampler boxes this time of year.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        Ditto for Molton Brown. Both my husband and I like many of the scents, but we both like the Eucalyptus scent the best.

    • Anon

      The absolute best for us is Ivory liquid soap. The plain version. We both like it and it’s nice to have one unscented product!

    • AIMS

      Oil of Olay Shea Butter one in the yellow and white bottle. Tried many fancier ones and this what i always come back to. Neutral scent and bonus is that it works great for shaving.

    • KittyKat

      Dr bronners Peppermint. It’s the best, ever. Its so nice to only have one bottle for both of us

    • Runner 5

      Radox do a great Basil and Watermelon one, and I like their Eucalyptus and Citrus Oil gel too. I’ll always be a big fan of Soap and Glory, and, despite the awkward name, Orangeasm is a great scent.

    • Anonymous

      JĀSÖN tea tree body wash. It comes in huge bottles at Target or Amazon.

  4. Opal

    SIL has asked for some professional clothing for Christmas. She is a PhD student and needs a few items for when she is presenting her work. I have the clothes covered, but would love to get her a smart accessory of some kind that she might not otherwise have or think of. Budget is $40-$50. What’s something I could get her – she has a leather folio. Anything else come to mind?

      • Cb

        Does she have an ipad? Knomo make these slick looking ipad cases with organisation.

    • JP

      Not a clothing item, but one of the most valuable things I had while on the academic job market was a slide clicker in which the receiver is also a USB stick where you can store your presentation. Great for job talks (part of the academic job interview) and later for teaching/conferences/invited lectures. Mine is made by Kensington.

      • profmama

        Love this clicker idea, and hope Santa will put one in my stocking!

        Otherwise, a great scarf in colors she wears frequently. It will really tie her outfit together and make her look more professional.

        Not sure pen/ pencil sets get much play these days with all the electronic gadgets we all carry.

        Does she have a watch? Despite my comment above, it’s very poor form to pull out your phone to check the time at a job interview, but with a watch you can do this discreetly.

        Another idea is a subscription to the Interfolio service, which is a clearinghouse for job apps (maybe check first if her field uses this service – many do).

    • anne-on

      Some moleskine notebooks and a wireless mouse? Or a portable USB charger? Otherwise, an ’emergency kit’ for her to keep at work – static guard, hairbrush/ties, headache medicine, tampons/pads, floss, mirror, lip gloss/chapstick, nailfile, nail clippers, etc. It took me ages to realize those were things I should have in my desk (and in a small pouch with me when I travel).

    • In the Pink

      Pen with her name on it – from Levenger.

      Or without; lovely designs by Acme Pen … via amazon.

      Business card case with some cards made with her name and a little contact info. Stationery Studio dot com

      Monogrammed note pads, sticky notes, pads to fit her folio … Stationery Studio (again)

  5. Picture frames?

    Where is your go-to place for quality picture frames? I’m looking for a couple of frames for 5″ x 7″ wedding photos for on my desk, so need acid-free, etc.). And would prefer some mat to make the smaller pictures more substantial. And I’d like to just order online….

    • Veronica Mars

      I’ve recently bought a lot of frames for my apartment. For the best quality, I like ZaraHome and Pottery Barn, but they’re pretty pricey. For everything else, I actually found some gorgeous floating frames at Walmart (5×7 and 5×5 size only) and the rest I get at Homegoods/Marshalls.

    • Hanky's

      Nope.

      They go in a good garment bag and are washed in the delicate cycle, air dry. And I feel good about it.

      I do have a front loader washing machine though, so it is a very gentle wash. If I had an aggressive top loader washer, I might reconsider….

      It is hard enough for me to get myself to hand wash my bras!

    • Cat

      Nope nope nope. I don’t do anything special with them (they join other dark clothes in a normal cold wash cycle and warm dryer). They hold up just fine — which is why I think they’re worth the money.

      (It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking high-end items last longer because they’re better quality, when really they only last longer because they’re babied throughout the cleaning process! I swear my Target cotton undies would last for a decade too, if I treated them the way HP wants you to treat their products.)

    • lucy stone

      Wash delicate with sweaters and blouses and what not, hang dry. My husband accidentally sent a pair of boyshorts through the dryer and they’re just fine.

      • Anonymous

        And, looking now. They look awesome. I really wanted blue, but am considering the gray or the sage. I would buy the sage for myself in a heartbeat. And the size on the queen ones is great.

  9. Coloring books

    Adult coloring books as “stocking stuffers”? Yeah/nay? For adult “boys and girls”?

    Any favorites?

    • TXLawyer

      I love my coloring books. (I always giggle at the thought of “adult coloring books” which make me think of X-rated coloring). They’re pretty trendy right now, so the front of every Barnes & Noble should have a dozen different ones. There’s also a great, reasonably-priced selection on Amazon when you search “adult coloring books.”

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Yay! Just bought my sister one for Christmas. I like Johanna Basford in particular, though they one I bought my sis is Millie Marotta.

    • Runner 5

      Yes, but maybe only if you’ve tested the waters. I love Lizzie Mary Cullen’s work; she has a Christmas-specific one (it has a couple of Hannukah illustrations too) and I’ve given her The Magical City to friends who’ve loved it. There’s a Harry Potter one now which seems very popular.

      Make sure to get colouring pencils to go with it – I like the Staedler Noris Club as a good reasonably priced entry point.

      • Anonymous

        +1 In theory, I am the type of person the color books are supposed to help (anxious, likes quiet time, etc.), but they make me stabby because I am also a perfectionist and I get super crazed about being inside the lines and making them symmetrical. I had to put the coloring books away.

        • Mpls

          What about a dot-to-dot? (I totally have one with hundreds of dots on a page to connect.) You get out the ruler and have some nice straight lines :)

  10. Snickety

    I’m looking for pajamas for my tall and slender teen daughter. She has a 34″ inseam. Does anyone know a good source for ladies tall PJs that come in a small or (ideally) extra small? Also would welcome suggestions for cute, teen-appropriate clothes in tall sizes.

    • Anonymous

      I have a 34″ inseam and did not find American Eagle to be long enough. However, Gap and Old Navy are good, and they sometimes have Extra Long lengths (plus they have 40%-50% off everything today). I also like Vict0rias Secret PJ sets — they have some conservative sets in Long lengths.

      • Mpls

        For Gap and Old Navy – make sure you are looking at the Talls, and not the Longs. Gap I know has both and there is definitely a difference.

        Alternative – do you know anyone who sews? PJ pants are pretty easy to make and really easy to make extra long.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. I have some “long” pjs and yoga pants by AE/Aeries and they are pretty short! Maybe 32 at best and the rise is so short and long sleeves are probably like 6″ too short. VS longs are actually pretty long, for a teen I would go with them. Abercrombie also runs pretty long, if they make pjs. She may also like athletic clothing from Lululemon or Athleta – at Athleta you would need to order tall, but Lululemon is long enough without special tall sizes.

      • MJ

        Their longs are not long enough.I have a 34-35″ inseam.

        My go-tos for PJ pants:
        Old Navy
        JCrew (they only carry flannel pants around the holidays, but are longer than, say, Eddie Bauer or Gap) and they go down to XXS.
        Long Tall Sally

    • lost academic

      The PJs made by Lazy One are great for that. (I have a 36″ inseam.)

      Old Navy talls are also pretty great but definitely get the tall.

    • Anonymous

      VS come in talls and they are 34″. If I recall correctly they have some 36″ inseams for yoga pants.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I have a 24″ waist and have a 36″ inseam, and can often wear a Gap XS regular length. Drawstring styles are key, because the waist is too big otherwise.

    • Anonymous

      The JCREW dreamy pajamas really are dreamy, and the pants run extremely long. Would be ideal for a slender, tall person.

  11. Shopaholic

    Any recommendations for luxurious-looking/feeling inexpensive scarves for men? I want to upgrade my boyfriend’s scarf as one of his Christmas gifts but I’m not sure where to start.

    Thanks all!

    • Runner 5

      What I would do is go to TJ Maxx/ look at TJ Maxx online and just look through the scarves and pick the first one that has a substantial proportion of wool in it. So many really expensive brands try to sell acrylic, which I can’t believe.

    • AIMS

      Not sure how inexpensive you want, but Lord and Taylor has great quality house brand cashmere and wool scarves that are frequently on sale and you can also use additional coupons that they always have. I’ve gotten them for around $40 and you can probably do better if you watch emails and sales promos.

    • Anonymous

      Uniqlo has cashmere scarves on sale for about $30-40. Macy’s probably does too.

    • MJ

      Lands end has these acrylic ones that look like cashmere and they are fantastic.

  12. Sydney Bristow

    I posted this too late over the weekend to get responses so I’m trying again. Can anyone recommend an attorney who deals with housing court in NYC? Particularly with rent stabilization issues?

  13. Scarlet

    I am in the process of being ghosted by a guy I went on six dates with. We texted, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, and now nothing.

    How do I make this hurt less?

    • Anon

      You dodged a bullet with this guy. Ghosting is so immature. A grown-up can at least say “This is just not working for me, I’m sorry.” You are so better off without someone that thinks ghosting is a legit way to end any kind of dating (absence abuse issues – ghosting makes sense then).

      • nutella

        Oh man yes. Years ago, I got dumped by two consecutive guys via text and thought it was the worst of the worst. Ghosting is even worse. Consider yourself extremely lucky. Even if he hadn’t backed out, imagine a relationship with someone who can’t even form an adult opinion and do what is sometimes hard? No. You really dodged a bullet with this one. Good riddance to this loser.

    • Basically trash

      On Friday I discovered a Tumblr blog called “last message received” which posts the last texts of people before they either died or stopped talking to them. It can be depressing, but it can also give comfort in knowing you’re not the only one who’s been through this.

      And you have my sympathies, ghosting is awful. We’re adults, we should be able to say (and accept) “I’m just not feeling it” or “this isn’t working.”

    • Rarara

      I like to imagine which of my dealbreaker qualities he possesses. Like a terrible venereal disease. Or really bad credit.

      I’m sorry, though. That’s really immature and rude of him!

    • espresso bean

      I’m so sorry. That’s the worst. But yes, you are totally dodging a bullet, because by ghosting you he’s revealing something pretty major about his character. Even if he just wasn’t feeling it, he owed you an explanation.

    • CountC

      Keep telling yourself that his ghosting is a reflection of who he is NOT who you are. Ghosting shows emotional immaturity and an inability to have an adult conversation about feelings. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

    • Senior Attorney

      Ouch. You can’t make it hurt less because it just hurts.

      In situations like that I just keep telling myself “the only way out is through…”

    • Anon

      This is a know yourself situation, but if you are “in the process” as you say, perhaps it would make you feel better to send him a text dumping him for his terrible behavior? It gives you some agency.

    • Scarlett

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. He wasn’t your person.

      And at the risk of sounding a little insensitive at the moment, I’ve been posting under the name Scarlett (granted 2 T’s) for a while, any chance you could pick a different handle?

  14. Basically trash

    A couple words of wisdom came to mind this weekend both of which highlight the importance of positivity:

    1) You can tell a lot about a person by how they act when things don’t go their way.

    Keep this in mind when your (personal) holiday party turnout doesn’t get the turnout you were expecting, or that thing you thought was on sale turns out to be full price. Staying positive and composed in the face of disappointment can make a huge difference in how people perceive you.

    2) The best way to ensure you’re putting your “best self” out there is to stay positive.

    Maybe that guy won’t feel a spark with you, or maybe that employer won’t feel you’re a fit, no matter what attitude you have. But having a cloud of negativity around you is almost definitely going to turn people off!

    • Truth

      This is so true. Important for life.

      Just really rough when you are going through a hard time in life.

    • anon for this

      some people will push you around just to see you become negative……. and take pleasure in it. resist!! stay positive

  16. Anonymous

    Does anyone else find the holiday season really hard? My family doesn’t exactly have healthy relationships within it, and I’m single, and I feel even more lonely than usual.

    I know I’m blessed with health, a job, and great friends, but I can’t help but feel left out by those who have a close family that they really love seeing, whether it’s their parents, or boyfriend/spouse, etc. – people who are really “family”.

    • Anon

      I’m right there with you. I hate this time of year. My family is overseas and I spent thanksgiving alone, and seeing all the happy families in my neighborhood was tough. I’m making plans for myself for the upcoming holidays though – no way I’m spending another sad holiday on the couch (I’m going skiing).

    • Also Anon

      Yes. I am close with my family, and it’s still hard! There’s so much stress involved with everyone wanting things to be perfect (and then things never live to up such high expectations). I hate shopping for 10+ people who already have everything. It feels so pointless.

      I am single, too, and the empty feeling that I can usually ignore gets way worse at this time of year. It’s dark and cold, winter is looming, and I never want to do anything on NYE but feel I have to because staying in alone seems so lame. I just want to stay in with a boyfriend! Alas…

      Anyway, you’re definitely not alone.

    • hashtag foreveralone

      I’m in your position too and feel the sammmmmmmmmmmmme way. Going on 4 years of singlehood out of grad school and I feel like each round of holidays gets harder, especially as I begin to transition from “all my friends are engaged” to “all my friends are married and pregnant” and the decibel of smugmarried gets louder and louder.

      My goal for this year is to spend less time focusing on what’s missing, ’cause I won’t magically have a partner by willing one into existence, and to focus on enjoying what I’ve got at face value. For me, this DOES NOT mean playing the “I know I should be thankful for xyz in my life” mantra and trying to stop myself from wishing I had a partner, but instead literally focusing on enjoying what’s going on rather than analyzing it. I thought about a solo vacation instead of slogging through more melodrama with the family but decided against that for financial reasons. Instead I’m decorating the crap out of my apartment and looking at the spare time as an opportunity to focus on a hobby I’ve been neglecting for a while.

      • Also Anon

        “the decibel of smugmarried gets louder and louder”

        I love the way you put this. I don’t think any of my friends mean to be smugmarrieds, but it certainly feels that way at this time of year!

        • CountC

          Truth. None of my friends mean to be smugmarrieds either. I got super lonely yesterday after being inspired by my bff to put on holiday music (she was cooking, singing, etc., at her house). I said this to her and her response was, well my husband is being grumpy because he needs a root canal. Yes, well, but you at least HAVE your husband there and will get to sleep next to him, while my boyfriend is having a terrible weekend, I can’t help him, and he is 500 miles away!

          Perhaps I am the grinch?

          • Opal

            Question of genuine curiosity: what is the right response to your comment about feeling lonely?

          • ITDS

            Because nothing is more fun and self-affirming than sleeping next to a grumpy, uncomfortable person. He probably snores too.

          • Anonymous

            The right response is not to make it all about yourself when someone says they feel lonely.
            You could, I don’t know, think about the other person, instead of complaining about your partner? Have some empathy and put yourself in their shoes.

            Nothing irritates me quite like someone saying “well, I’m lonely too, I’m a football widow”, or ” don’t worry, you’ll find someone soon”, both of which are kind of patronizing. A=

          • Anonymous

            Yes, but what IS a good response? You’ve explained what bad responses are – what response are you hoping to get? Is there even a satisfying response to the complaint of being lonely? How does the conversation go?

            “I’m super lonely”

            “I’m sorry…that sucks.”

            And then…what?

          • Opal

            Thanks to Anonymous at 1:45 — this was my question. I am fully aware that making it selfcentric, about DH waiting for root canal, etc, is not the right response. But, even when making it about said lonely-feeling individual… what’s the right reply? This is subjective and person-by-person/situation-by-situation, so I’m not even sure a “right” reply exists.

          • hashtag foreveralone

            ITDS- did the point of CountC’s post just fly over your head? That is a classic smugmarried response. I get it, smugmarried friends aren’t meaning to be rude and they just think “ok, we’re kvetching now, I’ll kvetch about my romantic life, too!” but lack (or choose not to employ) the forethought to realize how that complaint might sound.

            Here’s my advice for what “lonely people” might like to hear when they reach out: When people reach out like this (single or otherwise), what they are hoping to get is empathy from and connection with another person. That person’s response cannot magically produce a partner for the lonely person, but it does remind her that she is cared for by others and that she is not alone. That’s what people are hoping to get. Try putting yourself in her shoes, just like you would for any other situation. Think about it like this- when a person reaches out and says “I’m sad my 18 year old cat died” you don’t say “well, I’m really annoyed that I my dog ripped up a new throw pillow.” You say “oh, hun, I’m so sorry, I know how much Sprinkles meant to you.” Just because you can’t bring the cat back doesn’t mean you don’t respond with loving, empathetic words.

            “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, I know the holidays can seem rough.”

            “I hope it helps to know that I care about you and love your friendship.”

            “What are your fun plans for the holidays?” Then listen and engage.

            “Ugh, babe I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling that way. I wish we could get together for a big glass of wine. Hey, how is xyz cool project you’ve been working on going?”

            “Let’s make some plans for when I get back in town.”

            Tweak these to your own conversation style/ nature of your friendship.

          • Anonymous

            All of these are good responses. Is it really that hard to be sympathetic? Agree with me that it sucks. Listen to me. It’s not about you. You want to complain your husband snores go for it- I’m happy to listen to that too but not presented as a response to my sadness.

          • CountC

            I was busy and didn’t get back to this until now, but I see that Anon at 1:31 and 2:41 and hastag foreveralone nailed it for me.

    • Meg March

      I’m not close with my family either, but I see them for Christmas. Whenever others ask, I always talk about the good things about seeing them– so wonderful to get to go visit my parents! It’s warm where they live! They have a dog who will go on runs with me! I can’t wait to see how much my niece has grown! So even though (a large) part of me dreads the holiday, I’m focusing on the small positive parts. It also may give off the impression to others (say, you, if we were IRL friends) that my family is close, and I have a good relationship with them, since I don’t really want to get into all of the drama.

      I also make my own traditions/things to look forward to. For the last few years, some friends and I have done Christmas Eve Chinese food, starting from our first-post-college, couldn’t afford to go home Christmas. And now I purposely schedule the flight to my parents’ on Christmas morning (also, it’s cheaper!) so that we can have this Christmas Eve dinner.

      • Ghost of Beth

        Are you kidding, Meg March? I would’ve thought for sure you’d be busy hanging out with MarMee, Amy & Laurie, Jo and her boys… you’ve definitely got family coming out the wazoo, or whatever you call it in post-Civil War Boston.

    • Wildkitten

      I don’t go home for the holidays. When I was single I would pet sit. Everyone needs a pet sitter over the holidays – you get to make money and snuggle with furries which is way more fun than dodging family sh*t.

      • Anonymous

        I am doing that this year. My mother is mad at me.

        Gee, well, mom, you cancelled our Christmas plans on the 22nd last year, so…..

        And I can use the money!

        (silently: f&$% you, mom)

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      Feel the same way. I feel left out, even though there is nothing for me to be left out of. I grew up in foster care for as long as I can remember, and spent all of my teenage years in group homes. I don’t have any siblings, and don’t have any family that I have any desire to see. My husband is an only child, and both of his parents have passed. We don’t have kids (yet?), so we just spend our holidays together and it is wonderful, but I still feel somewhat alone.

  17. In the Pink - Black Pearls?

    reposting a lost comment

    DH gave me a lovely black pearl necklace – composed of rectangular pieces, not the traditional round pearls – all the way from Hong Kong.

    I’d like some online and brick/mortar store recommendations in the US. Nothing I own is a decent complement for the necklace.

    Looking for dangly, not traditional single pearl stud. I do not need the Tahitian Black Pearl level of quality and price :)

    It’s really been a lovely and oft worn 30th anniversary gift, but the earring issue persists.

    TIA !!!!!

    • lucy stone

      My husband has purchased me a number of pearls from pearlsonly.com over the years. I generally get the inexpensive end, but have been pleased with the quantity. I have some studs from there that are about 8 years old and still in excellent shape.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have a pair of gorgeous black pearl earrings from Costco, of all places.

  18. Rarara

    What are your favorite holiday cookie recipes? I like to bake for my (pretty small) office but am in need of inspiration for easy, simple cookie recipes, apart from the chocolate chip recipe on the back of the package.

    Thanks in advance!

    • espresso bean

      Here are a couple I love. For both, try Epicurious:

      pecan crescents (so easy, but they look like they were hard to make!)
      white chocolate cranberry biscotti (fun and festive. People LOVE them)

      Happy baking!

    • Runner 5

      There’s a great chocolate chip and oat cookie recipe in the Green & Black’s Ultimate Cookbook – email me at tinea at hotmail dot co dot uk if you like and I’ll send it over.

    • Anonymous

      Ambitious Kitchen’s Nutella-Stuffed Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies with Sea Salt. They are a winner every. Single. Time. I do a lot of hobby baking (though I will take and sell custom orders if asked) and my guy-bff unabashedly calls them his favorite thing that I make. It is NOT as hard as it sounds. The directions are great. You could even skip the browning of the butter and still have an awesome cookie, but I think this is what makes it. You can also skip the Nutella-stuffing part and just make the brown butter chocolate chip cookies. She calls for 3 types of chocolate chip (??) but I only ever use semi-sweet.

      A website also posted Dominique Ansel’s dark chocolate cookies (flourless, I think?) last year and those were amazing, too, and pretty easy.

    • Anonymous

      smitten kitchen is my go to for online recipes. Hers are pretty well tested, and I’ve gotten good reults (and compliments). I’d suggest that the world peace cookies and the chai snickerdoodles are huge hits with my friends/family. The Chai Snikerdoodles are “easier” but the world peace cookies really quite good.

  19. white topaz vs moissanite... thoughts?

    Hi Everyone, If you were picking between either white topaz vs moissanite for an engagement ring, which would you choose? I like the color of white topaz (seems a little lighter in color) but I like the complexity of the moissanite more (the moissy looks more real but it looks like the color can inch towards green or yellow). Any thoughts or comments about this?

    Thank you!

    • lucy stone

      I picked moissanite and would do so again. It’s harder than white topaz and reflects more. I have an inexpensive 1 ct equivalent moissanite e-ring that I’ve worn for 4.5 years and am quite happy with it.

    • CountC

      I am super rough on jewelry, so I’d go moissanite (as is my desire for accent stones anyhow).

      • Wildkitten

        I am concerned about moissanite being yellowish. Do y’all who have them have thoughts on that?

          • Anon0321

            Mine is colorless– Both major online retailers offer a “whiter” upgrade- I ordered both versions out of curiousity and both were completely clear to the naked eye so I need up keeping the non upgraded one. Order from a place with a good return policy and then you can see for yourself and return if necessary.

  20. QualityQueen

    How do you ladies justify owning nice things? Personally I just cannot stomach spending my money on poor quality things. Which will sometimes mean only having one sweater until I can budget for a second (because high quality cashmere is expensive) or simply going without something. I’m pretty middle class and don’t own a lot. But people seem to think that I must own vast quantities (because that’s the American way) which results in snide comments.

    • BB

      I am totally with you on only buying good quality. I justify it because they last longer and they feel better wearing/using them, and really, life is too short to waste on a scratchy sweater! I also like having fewer things in general because it makes life easier.

    • CountC

      Do you mean justify it to yourself or to others? To myself, I say because it is high quality, is classic, and will last much longer than a lower-quality item. To others, I don’t. It’s none of their business what I do with my money.

    • Anonymous

      I can justify not buying poor quality because it is a waste of money.

      But I don’t buy super-nice either b/c stuff tends to get ruined, so also a waste of money.

      So, I buy BB shoes when they are on sale b/c they are of high quality but I won’t buy Louboutins because they seem easy for me to ruin (cannot vouch for the quality but would expect it at that price point), so more money than I can afford to burn through.

      Same thinking behind purses, work clothes (The Skirt is very very frugal with cost per wear, so I can’t justify getting a Lafayette version of the same thing). Quality, but only to a point.

    • Jen

      I note here that “quality” frequently does not correspond to “very expensive” or “bought only at more expensive stores.” This is where trial and error and reviews are super helpful. I find that often a dress bought in the $100-150 price range at Nordstrom is of lesser quality and longevity than a $50 dress from Macys.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I justify it by buying way less items than most people I know who buy mid-quality things, and by keeping those expensive items for a decade+.

  21. curious

    What would you get a guy you’ve only been dating for two months? I think a budget around $75 is reasonable, but would appreciate your thoughts on that too. Thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      I am assuming this would be a Xmas gift?

      How about something from his favorite sports team? (sweatshirt, t-shirt, etc.) Or something related to one of his hobbies? I think that there are lots of neat things that are personal to that person but don’t have you going all out early on in a relationship.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in the same boat, been dating the guy since early September, things are going great, but I’ll probably only spend about $20-30 on him. Which, to be fair, is about what I spend on everyone because I’m not exactly rolling in dough these days. The big exception is when I bought a guy Suitjamas which are around $100, but they were such a “him” thing and we’d been dating for years.

    • Anonymous

      I think that’s pretty reasonable IMO. Depends on how often you see each other. Once a week, maybe a little high, two or three times a week and I think it’s a perfect amount.

    • Anonymous

      We each bought each other a ticket to the same concert. I don’t think I knew him well enough to pick something out he’d like, and vice versa.

    • Leatty

      I would buy him an experience gift (tickets to a concert, sports game, or comedy show).

  22. Anon

    I am heartbroken for my best friend. She discovered that her husband of 8 years has been cheating on her. They’ve been together for 12 years. They have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. He said that it wasn’t a one time thing and that he’s done it throughout their relationship and that he thinks he’s a p*orn and S*ex addict. She isn’t ready to talk about it yet, she said she’s still digesting the information. She did say that they’re going to counseling this evening. She lives an hour and a half away from me. Any advice for what I can do or say? How to be helpful? I offered to go hang out with her and the kids yesterday and go with them to see Santa but she declined my offer and said she just needs to be alone right now, which I understand. I’m just so sad for them.

    And on a related note….I didn’t sleep last night because this just really shakes me to my core. He was one of those family men who would never do such a thing. I think my marriage is doing fine, not GREAT, considering that we have 9 month old twins. It made me huge my husband a little tighter and I reminded him if he ever felt like he wanted to stray to please let me know and we’ll talk about it, it doesn’t have to mean that things will end. It’s hard when the relationships you admire crumble….it makes me question marriage and it stinks.

    • mascot

      I haven’t been through this, but I think that the best thing you can offer is non-judgmental support. They may decide that they want to work through this, they may decide that this ends things. But whatever they decide, I think you have keep your thoughts and your marriage rules separate.

      • Anon

        Yes, I’m trying to offer non-judgmental support. I called yesterday and she didn’t answer. I just left her a voicemail that said I was thinking of her and the kids and that I love them and to let me know if there’s anything at all that I can do.

        • CountC

          If she is telling you she needs alone time and that she is not ready to talk about it, you should listen to her. She knows you are there and have offered support. She may come to you in two days or in a week, but don’t overwhelm her by contacting her if she already told you she needs alone time. I am an alone time person and when I say I need time, I mean it and it makes me feel even worse when people don’t listen to me.

    • Anonymous

      would you be up for spending some time with her kids so that she can have some time for herself? I am sure that she would probably appreciate having some time to think/talk to someone/cry without having to worry about the kiddos.

      • Anon

        I absolutely would but logistically it’s hard during the week because she’s 1.5 hours away without traffic and over 2 hours with traffic. I have 9 month old twins myself so my husband would need to watch them while I watch her kids. He said he was fine with watching them by himself this weekend I want to go up there. I will offer to come watch the kids one day this weekend if it’s helpful to her. I just feel like she’s the type to reject all offers of help and I don’t want to just show up if she really doesn’t want me to. All I can do is go off of what she says right?

        • NYC tech

          I have to admit, I can barely imagine a situation desperate enough that I’d allow a friend with 9-month-old twins and a 2-hour-each-way trip to watch my kids. It’s wonderful that you’re willing do to it, and knowing that you care that much must feel good to her. But this probably isn’t the way you’re meant to help her right now. Not sure what you can do instead, but maybe just keep on listening and wait for the right opportunity to arise.

        • Anonymous

          you’ve got a lot going on! Yes, listen to her– first and foremost. And if you can’t swing getting her some time to herself, that’s okay too.

    • AIMS

      I have no specific advice other than try not to judge. I think one of the hardest things in this situation is to feel like on top of it all there is a right way or a wrong way to act in this situation (i.e., you must leave or you must stay for the kids, etc.) Just let her know there is no expectations from you and you’re there for her whatever she wants to do.

    • Senior Attorney

      And don’t badmouth her husband, even if she’s doing it herself. If she decides to stay with him and you are on record as taking the position that he is a nogoodnick, then she will be embarrassed and it will create distance between the two of you. When I was in a rocky marriage, I treasured those friends who just listened when I needed to talk, and who said “whatever you decide to do, I love you and support you.”

      • Anon

        Thanks for the reminder. I don’t know why but I don’t feel hate for him right now. I just feel really sad for their family. But either way, I’ll remember to keep my own opinions in check.

    • Jax

      Non judgmental support is key–also, don’t fall off the face of the earth. Send her texts, tag her in goofy memes, and treat her like you normally would. There’s nothing worse than to go through hard times and feel like your friends deserted you or are treating you differently.

      Marriage is made up of two flawed, selfish humans. If you think about it, we have no idea what our spouses are really up to, or what they are thinking, or what they are tempted by. But, almost everyone who catches their spouse in an affair says, “I knew something was wrong.” I would suggest reading a self-help book on surviving affairs if it’s something you’re frightened of. The first chapters usually address “Why Did This Happen?” and have tips on how it could have been prevented and what warning signs were there. It could lead to some really good discussions for you and your husband.

      • Anonymous

        I am in OP’s shoes, but the friend wants nothing to do but (A) save the marriage and (B) bad-mouth the husband for hours on end on the phone (I know: (A) and (B) don’t make sense together). This is 3 years in! I have said that I’m not comfortable with (B) and do not have hours to talk on the phone, period. And now I am . . . the bad guy.

        Our mothers are best friends, so she is like a cousin if not a sister (and one relationship that I will always be in through the home town and the older generation).

        Any advice?

        • Jax

          Side note: I’m 6 years post affair, and my husband and I worked hard and now have a better marriage than ever. So I’m going to come at this from what looks like a heartless viewpoint, but it’s only because I’ve been there.

          Your friend is three years into this, and she has to make a choice. She can either go through the rest of her life playing the Oprah Show Victim, crying and telling her story while everyone around her screws up their face into empathetic frowns and claps for her and tells her how brave and wonderful she is. (This path will get her no where, but it will make her feel special, and lots of people sink down and live there.) She can decide she just. can’t. get. past. it. and divorce her husband, or she can do a really courageous thing and decide that she is going to 100% forgive him and recommit.

          In counseling, my husband asked for my forgiveness and in order to do that, I have to agree to 1.) not throw it in his face, 2.) not talk about it/him to others, 3.) not dwell on it in my own head. It was ridiculously difficult but I have to say, it was the ONLY way to get past the affair and not let it tear me down and ruin the hard work he was doing to rebuild trust.

          Also–if your friend is still this bitter 3 years in, her husband may not stick around for this much longer. She needs to figure out what she wants before her husband makes the decision for her.

    • opinion

      Echoing all the “try not to judge” comments, and along with that, try not to overreact (in front of her). Aside from life-and-death matters, so much of how we perceive the events in our life has to do with the narrative we tell ourselves. And if you react with shock and horror, you will contribute to her narrative that this is the *worst* thing that could possibly happen to her and her marriage.

      It might be, but it doesn’t have to be. One reason that affairs can be so painful is that well-meaning friends act as if affairs are the most horrible things that can happen to a marriage, and that the marriage is now destroyed/rotten/unfixable. The cheated-upon absorb society’s collective reaction of horror, as well as often-false beliefs such as “If he loved me, he wouldn’t have done this.”

      Maybe that is true in her case, but maybe not. Let her decide that for herself.

      • Anon

        I’m the type that is able to stay pretty calm and rationale in real life but in my head I kind of melt down. I was calm with her and didn’t act like “this is the worst thing ever”. But in my mind it’s causing me a lot of anxiety. She’s been through a lot in her 30 years of life and I just feel like this adds to it. She’s lived the “things could not be worse” and I don’t think she’s to that point. When we were 19, I found her 15 year old brother who had committed suicide. It was absolutely the most terrible day of my (and probably) her life. Her dad then suffered from a sudden heart attack 2 years ago and died in his kitchen. She’s been dealt a lot of crap in her life and I just hope she’s okay. She’s a strong woman, I know that, but this is really going to be tough on her.

  23. men's travel/duffle - LL Bean equiv.

    HELP! I was planning to order the LL Bean Heritage Waxed Canvas Duffle for BF for Christmas, but it’s just been backordered until February. Does anyone have a nice, similarly priced alternative? I like the look of the Field Canvas duffle in Navy (khaki is too Kurt McVeigh), and I also like the Herschel Supply look but reviews point to terrible quality for the $. Any ideas on a good brand, $100-$200 price point, and kind of hipster-y look? (BF is an educator, but needs to upgrade his “bag” for travelling on car/plane.)

    • Snickety

      Duluth Pack is also nice (nicer, actually) but at a higher price point. Different company.

      • KateMiddletown

        On the same lines, anybody have a great ladies gym bag they love? Considering Lulu and Athleta but they’re kind of an investment (for a gym bag!)

        • Anonymous

          I have to put in a vote for an Athleta bag. Had a Lucy one that fell apart in about 6 months (not ok for the price, though they did take it back). I’ve been using my Athleta one for 3years not and it is holding up great. Pricey up front, but I think it’s worth it to not replace my bag yearly (I carry it daily and am not kind to gym bags).

  24. Happy birthday?

    I just started dating this guy and last week he mentioned that his birthday is this week and I think he said Monday but now I’m doubting myself on the correct day (ugh). Is there a non awkward way to confirm via text it’s his birthday and wish him a happy birthday at the same time? I just want to send a quick short n’ sweet happy birthday text.

    • Senior Attorney

      Is he on Facebook? Can you confirm the date there?

      Or just send a text that says “I seem to remember you saying your birthday is today! If it is, Happy Birthday! If it’s not… happy early or late birthday!”

  25. cp

    I was dumped on Friday and I’m heartbroken. We were together for almost 2 years and he said that he just did not love me fully even though he tried. Any words of advice? :(

    • anon for this

      A friend of mine in grad school was told, after a few years, that ‘she wasn’t the one’. I think in the end she felt used, as he had found someone else. It was nothing to do with her at all….. But it took her a while to figure it out…. hang in there…. better to know now rather than later (of course these are easier to say). I am so sorry.

    • Lavender

      I think when I experienced this I was really overwhelmed by the feeling that I’m never going to get over this and in retrospect, it made everything a lot more painful. But once I started to *trust* in some time it would sting less, it became a lot easier.

      • Senior Attorney

        This is such great advice! Remember, the only way out is through. Be kind to yourself and remember every day (every minute!) is a day (or minute) closer to feeling better.

    • Belle

      Sorry to hear that – it just takes time, mostly, which sucks. I always hated S3x and the City, but marathoning it really helped me feel better. Make sure you get out and do things regularly, even if you don’t feel like it. You will eventually stop caring about him, I promise.

    • Anon in Boston

      CP, so sorry to hear this. I was devastated when my bf of many years dumped me. I had always assumed he was the one and I felt deeply wounded when I realized he didn’t feel the same way. It took me some time, but eventually I was able to see that he wasn’t the one for me and I think that proving to myself that I was able to pick up the pieces after being dumped so harshly made me appreciate and like myself so much more than I ever did before. It was a long road but I was eventually able to reflect on why that relationship was not the right one for me. I am happily married now to an amazing man and I know that if I had not experienced that past heartbreak, I never would have realized that he was the right guy for me when I finally found him. I recommend treating yourself to some delicious ice cream and wine (just not too too much), extra time with amazing friends and picking up a new hobby. This is the time to focus on making yourself happy. I will be thinking about you!!

      • cp

        This made me feel so much better. Especially the part about the new amazing husband :) Thank you for your kindness <3

      • Lavender

        “I think that proving to myself that I was able to pick up the pieces after being dumped so harshly made me appreciate and like myself so much more than I ever did before.” Amen. I’ll never say I was glad to have been dumped but I will say it changed me for the better (surprisingly). Hugs to the OP. I know the feeling. Be kind to yourself right now.

        • Jen

          Yes, this!! It’s the worst and you have to go through it, but you WILL come out stronger. You will also start to see all the ways in which you were compromising parts of yourself or what you found important to be with someone who ultimately wasn’t the right fit. Once I started seeing all of those things, and embracing them again, it was really freeing. I’m still single and still sad about that, now a few years after my major breakup like this, but I am not willing to give up so much as I did for the person I was with, and so I am at least finally at peace that I wasn’t meant to be with him.

          • cp

            Jen, what a kind comment … thank you! I am already starting to see glimmers of the strong me and the real me. It is strangely liberating. I had never had a breakup like this before, but what helps me is that I am finally able to articulate what I want and can see clearly I would have been compromising (now at 27 vs at 24, my last breakup). I had already done SO SO MUCH mental rearranging of my dreams and my future that I am shocked I was willing to do so much for someone who simply said they couldn’t say they fully loved me.

        • cp

          Thanks so much Lavender :) I appreciate the hugs and advice, and will spread it forward :)

  26. It's Me Again...

    It’s me again… The Poster from last week who posted about my BF of 6 months who did the 180 on me and has become completely unavailable ever since starting the new job at the new investment bank.

    Well… quick update. I was out of town on a crisis call (I’m in PR, as I mentioned) for the entire week. Got back on Thursday night. He asked me to come stay with him so I I went straight over to his place from the airport. As always, I missed him. It had been a week since I’d seen him. All in, it was a great night. He ordered food, had our favorite shows on DVR, we talked, cuddled, and I actually felt we were having quality time and bonding. In the morning, we both get up and head to our respective offices.

    Now it’s 9pm on Friday and I have not heard from him at all. Following everyone’s advice, I try to keep calm and not necessarily feel abandoned. He calls me at 9pm as he is leaving the office. We have an unspoken routine where Friday nights, he leaves work, goes home and changes and packs a bag, and heads to my house to order in and watch Netflix and spend the night. I assumed it would be the usual – and especially because I had been out of town all week and he had been working particularly long hours. Well, he calls and says he isn’t coming over because he is too tired and doesn’t want to sit in traffic for 45 minutes, so better for me to drive to him.

    I admit – I kind of lost it. I felt I made the huge effort to see him straight from the airport and he was unwillin to reciprocate. All these emotions came out and it ends in a hysterical phone call where we are arguing and I am crying and so forth. I end up driving over to his house because he is not engaging me and knocking on his door. We proceed to argue for hours – it’s more like me having a breakdown and him completely shutting down and not wanting to deal with hit. Net net– we fall asleep together after saying a lot of bad things to each other (you never loved me, you don’t love me, I wish you would leave, I don’t want to be with you anymore, I don’t want to deal with this, we need to just end this, etc.). Albeit, we kissed and made up, and slept in a tight embrace and held each other all night.

    Saturday morning, we wake up to some tension but he appears to smooth it over by giving me a big hug and telling me I am overstressed with my job, that everything will be fine.

    Later that day, I text him about coming over. He tells me he has a family emergency with his nephew in the hospital and has too much going on to come see me. I texted a few times to check in on his family and over support. Last thing he said was “thanks, I’m cool”.

    …… I have not heard from again.

    That was Saturday afternoon. It’s not Monday afternoon. I called Sunday to make sure he was okay. No answer and no response.

    Safe to say it’s over? Not sure how we went from “everything will be fine” Saturday morning to a text about his nephew and then suddenly being ignored. I do know he went out for drinks with his male BF on Saturday night so I know he isn’t tied up with family emergency, necessarily.

    Is it time to let this go?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      It’s past time to let this go. How does it seem even remotely reasonable to you to drive 45 minutes to someone’s house to continue an argument in person when you were already hysterically arguing on the phone for, it sounds like, a good bit of time? Flip the genders here for a minute – woman tells a man she’s too tired to see him, he flips out and becomes intensely emotional on the phone, then drives to her house to continue the argument? That would be deeply, deeply creepy. This guy is not bringing out anything good in your personality at this point – let him go, and stop this.

      • It's Me Again...

        It’s a 10 minute drive, but I totally know what you mean. I felt completely out of control – like my feelings were just driving me versus me driving my feelings!

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          You’re so out of control over this guy that you apparently couldn’t stop yourself from getting in your car, driving to his house, then crying hysterically at him for hours, only to then fall asleep in his arms (after he, at some point during the hysterical crying portion of the night, told you to get out of his house). Please take your behavior this weekend as the screaming red flag that it is that this relationship is not serving you, and leave this man alone.

        • August

          Don’t feel so terrible about yourself and get into the pattern of thinking that if you were patient enough or if you had more control over yourself, you would have had a relationship with him. Don’t make phone calls apologizing for yourself and hope that it will fix it. The bottom line is your needs were not met, you tried to accommodate and you lost it. You should find some one who can meet your needs.

          I know other posters feel differently, I would have felt totally taken for granted if that had happened to me. It is tiring to be the one compromising every time and putting all the effort.

          • It's Me Again...

            Exactly how I feel. Completely taken for granted.

            And yes – in the fight, he did tell me to leave if I was just going to keep fighting and that I didn’t know when to just stop it and be quiet. I told him he never loved me and was pressing him to say it out loud. He insisted that he does love me but he doesn’t know what the h*ll I want him to do that he isn’t already doing. And, of course, he made me feel like an idiot by rationalizing the whole thing without context so that it seems absurd (i.e. I come over EVERY Friday, so because ONE Friday I ask you to drive here instead of me driving there, you flip out?) – and suddenly my feeling of being the only one who makes the herculean effort seems ridiculous and invalid.

            It was pretty crazy. Thanks for listening, everyone. I still have a headache and a super heavy heart about it.

          • Sheepie

            Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter who is “right” about which one of you makes more of an effort. The fact that you feel that the relationship is lopsided means it isn’t the right relationship for you. I know exactly what you are going through as I had the same relationship 14 years ago. I was so desperately in love with him and I felt like it wasn’t reciprocated so I’d get a little crazy- doing the exact type of emotionally destructive things you are describing. I felt like I was putting in all the effort and not getting the same level of emotional investment back from him. He would treat me like crap and when I’d get upset, he would manipulate me into thinking I was being unreasonable. The relationship didn’t work out, which was the best outcome as we were not good together. 2 years after we broke up I met my now husband (of 10 years) and learned that in a mature, loving relationship there doesn’t need to be any drama because I never felt insecure about how he felt about me. You need to end it now and move on, as his relationship will never make you happy or fulfilled.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            OP, it’s not wrong/bad to feel taken for granted (although I can really see the situation from both sides, as you’ve presented it here) – where the huge problem lies is in how quickly and completely the situation escalated into a hysterical torturous sh!tshow for all involved. That’s not where an argument ends up in an otherwise-healthy, otherwise-mutually-fulfilling relationship.

            This particular guy ain’t your guy. And that’s sad, and I’m sorry, but I really do think it’s in your best interest emotionally to drop your end of the rope, here.

        • Traditionalist

          Okay, this particular nugget actually changes what I thought originally — you flipped out because he wanted you to drive 10 minutes instead of him driving 45? (I’m assuming this is some sort of into the city / out of the city difference and that you don’t live near the Bermuda Triangle…) Which is what you ended up doing anyway, except you did it to continue to argue with him?

          I think that he is being as reasonable as possible given the demands on his time right now, including the ongoing issues you mentioned last week), and you are busy keeping score. What difference does it make where you sleep — he didn’t say, “I’m tired, I don’t want to see you tonight.” It sounds like he said please come here instead? In your shoes, I’d ask myself why I was willing to sabotage the result I wanted because it wasn’t in exactly the form I thought it would be in.

          I would definitely give him some space. Maybe it’s not over, but you need to chill out for now and let him decide if he’s going to call you. But overall, it seems like you need to make peace with the idea that relationships don’t progress by each person putting in the exact same work in the exact same way.

          • nutella

            I agree. Dating should be easy. When it’s not, it’s just not the right match. It’s not something he is doing wrong or you are doing wrong (keeping score never helps), it’s just not the best fit. Marriage takes work and life can be hard, a relationship should be a bedrock of trust and content-ness, otherwise when life gets really hard (i.e. family medical emergencies), who can you turn to? I realize you feel that you were trying to be a comfort to him during the emergency, but I think this is further why the fit just isn’t right – he has a different way of responding with difficulty than you offer. I’m sorry. Take some time to assess- do you feel like yourself? Do you feel happy with the version of yourself that you are now? Do you honestly feel this is the best version of yourself? If not, you just don’t complement each other or bring out the best in one another. Maybe you once did, but it sounds like he will be working for a few more decades and you two just aren’t compatible. Figure out how to be happy with yourself and feel your best version of yourself and things will get better. Also, I am not one for general blanket statements, but it’s really not a good idea to bait someone with “you never loved me.” You know better than that, and ask yourself why you went that extreme drama queen. Do you like that version of yourself?

    • Senior Attorney

      Safe to say it’s over. He said “everything will be fine” because he needed to get you out of his house without another big scene.

      You can’t make somebody want to spend time with you. And most especially you can’t do that by making hysterical demands.

      • Anonymous

        This will turn into an abusive relationship if you continue to pursue him, IMHO. LET HIM GO. Get your needs met somewhere else. Respect yourself enough to realize that there ARE other fish in the sea, because you’re a kick-@ss woman.

        • It's Me Again...

          Thank you. Needed to hear that.

          Not sure why I am hung up on making this work or believing he is “the one”. Never had a burning desire to be married or have children, until I met him, and suddenly I’m picturing this entire life with him in particular. I believe this is fueling this sense of urgency or this compulsion to make this work somehow.

          I do know he cares for me a lot – and he does make efforts and has shown me this time after time – but for whatever reason, it just doesn’t resonate with me the way I need it to and the things I need him to do, he doesn’t seem to understand.

          In the midst of the argument, he said one thing that has stuck with me. I quote “You realize all you needed to say was Papi, I really want you to come over here and cuddle with me and you would’ve gotten what you wanted. I want you to be sweet to me.”

          Maybe that’s true, or maybe that’s BS — I have no idea but it’s hard to be “sweet” to someone you feel is letting you down all the time.

          Whatever. It ends here.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            “You would be getting what you wanted if you asked the right way, but you asked the wrong way, so now you don’t get what you want” is a common tactic of abusers. (As is coming on super-strong in the early stages of the relationship.) Not sure if this guy is abusive or just clueless, but “you didn’t say it right so now you lose” is never a good foundation for a relationship. (Also I’m finding the “Papi” thing unsettling – any guy who wants to be called any version of daddy in a romantic relationship is suspect, in my book.)

          • It's Me Again...

            @Killer Kitten Heels

            I literally laughed out loud in my office on the Papi comment. We’re both Latin so this is incredibly common – kind of like the Spanish language version of “baby” but you’re not really referring to your SO as an infant.

            But honestly, thanks for the laugh because I have otherwise been in some deep heartbreak mode.

          • anon

            “You didn’t say it right so now you lose” is never a good foundation for a relationship.”

            KKH has nailed it. OP, I read your original post about this relationship, too, and I think you already asked him to be more available to you and he wouldn’t give that to you.

            On a more general note, OP- all relationships have a price of admission. Those may change over time. It is up to you to decide whether that price of admission is acceptable to you. Here, the price of admission only getting to see him once a week, and having to go long times without calls. It appears this is not an acceptable price to you. That’s very, very ok! But you have to own that it is the price of admission and decide whether you can pay it. You have two options: 1) accept the relationship with its price of admission*, or 2) walk away.

            You are after something that you can’t have- option 3- your boyfriend without the price of admission. Quite understandable, because that’s what you had in the beginning. But that option is clearly no longer on the table. You’ll drive yourself crazy (are driving yourself crazy) seeking it. In reality, you have to choose between options 1 and 2. Not 3.

            *I believe people have the right to try to negotiate these prices (as you did- by asking him to spend more time with you). But it doesn’t always work.

    • August

      It is over. You should move on. Don’t make any phone calls, texts again to this person ever.

      Also, when you are with the next person, make sure he has enough time to spend with you and he can fulfill your emotional needs so that you are not pushed to be hysterical just to get some time with him.

    • Belle

      Yes, you seem to have different expectations. It’s time for you to move on.

    • Attachment

      It may be worth doing some reading on attachment styles and thinking about your behavioral role in relationships. You sound like you have an anxious attachment style (I do as well). Sometimes recognizing a pattern is the key to making it work better for you and whoever you are in a relationship with.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

    • Anon

      Also, maybe he needed to go out with a guy fried on Saturday night because a) he had plans already; b) he actually is stressed over family emergency and needs to be able to turn his brain off without dealing with you being hysterical and overanalyzing every text and move he makes. I understand how you can get to the point of feeling as you do, but he’s a person with very little time and you’re asking him to basically spend all his free time with you, and also it seems like asking him to make a grand gesture about his feelings. If you need all this validation constantly, it can be exhausting if your partner does not operate the same way. It sounds like this person is not the right fit for you, but also that you may not be able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone until you address why you, for example, felt panicked when you didn’t see him for maybe 12-13 hours (from Friday morning to Friday evening). That just isn’t normal.

    • Anonymous

      Are you always this much of a drama queen? No. For the love of God, not hearing from him for two days doesn’t necessarily mean it is over. Wait. See if you hear from him. If you do, maybe respond with “ya know, Friday night really made me realize that I’ve gotten a bit out of whack here and I’m not being at all fair or respectful of you. And I’d like to try and work through that if you’ll give me a chance, and I have an appointment with a therapist later this week.”

      But it sounds like you still don’t think you have a problem, so you’ll probably wind up shoving him away instead of growing up.

    • Avery

      I’m sorry, I know you’re hurting right now. Definitely do as the above posters suggested and give him space right now. On the one hand, I understand you wanting to spend time with him after you were away for a week and I can see how the lack of communication and feeling like he was blowing you off would hurt. On the other hand, it really does seem like he’s doing the best he can with his current job situation, and if you guys do stay together then you need to understand that. Perhaps a talk about communication expectations are in order. Hugs.

      (On a selfish note, I am in a similar relationship – two biglaw lawyers – and I hadn’t been giving my boyfriend enough credit for how hard he was trying to balance a busy stretch at work and our relationship. Your post and the commenters’ replies were a really important reminder to acknowledge how much he was doing rather than being annoyed at the situation. I feel like if you can’t do that – and if you can’t, that’s fine! – then you probably need to be in a different relationship.)

    • Anonymous

      Didn’t we all say you need therapy? Because you do. This is crazy behavior. You need to really step away from this relationship and work on yourself. I totally agree with the poster who says that it is going to turn into an abusive relationship. I just don’t think you realize we are talking about you being the abuser here. You are hurtling towards behavior that seems to be escalating and really getting close to the stalking line (I can’t even imagine if I needed some space from a bf after a huge fight and he showed up at my house. I’d probably call the cops).

      • August

        She definitely needs therapy..but I am not sure if she is the abuser here.

      • August

        She definitely needs therapy..but I am not sure if she is the abuser here.

      • Anonymous

        Really? She demands constant updates, daily contact, and drove to his house like an insane person after he wanted to be away from her. Honestly she is outright losing it and the fact that she is concerned with the state of the relationship and not like “am i emotionally stable and healthy” is concerning

        • It's Me Again...

          I’m a little confused by your POV.

          Yes, we talked marriage, babies, and introduced our families and friends to each other in the context of “Hey Mom, Dad – I met the one.” We live in the same city and work in the same area. We both have cars and drive every day. And neither of us has children or other responsibilities besides our respective careers.

          Why on Earth would I not expect him to make contact once a day?

          I’m not sure what kind of relationships other people have, but I can’t imagine being with someone whom I didn’t hear from at all for days in a row. To me, that’s not a BF/future-husband. That’s a guy you’re casually dating.

          You do sound a little bit like him with the “constant updates” comment. To clarify, I don’t need constant updates. But a little contact here and there is more than enough. Maybe a Good Morning text? And a good night phone call? Considering we can’t see each other and don’t come home to each other at night, either.

          I don’t think I’m emotionally unstable and/or crazy for wanting that as it seems a lot of people have that and much more in their relationships.

          I do know that driving over was crazy – but I will also say that he has driven over to my house once in a fit of rage once and dropped off my keys. That said, when I got there, he wasn’t totally shocked. He opened the door and said “well, are you going to stand there or come inside?” and walked in and plopped down on the couch to continue to eat his take out and stare at the TV —- more behavior that made me feel like he really, really didn’t care about how I was feeling and in turn caused me to get emotional all over again.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            OP, do you know what doesn’t matter at all here? Whether or not what you’re asking for is reasonable.

            Do you know what *does* matter here? That you’re in a relationship with a man who is so unwilling to give you what you’re asking for that you felt compelled to drive over to his house in a tear-filled, hysterical haze, and his response when you arrived was to ignore you. And then tell you that you didn’t get what you wanted because you didn’t use the magic words when you asked for it. Oh and also, this man has previously driven to your home in “a fit of rage.” What in the ever-loving mother-fluck else has to happen to make it any more clear to you that this whole relationship is an insane trainwreck?

            STOP PERSERVERATING ON HOW EMINENTLY REASONABLE YOU ARE. IT DOESN’T NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE THE MOST REASONABLE PERSON WHO EVER REASONED – YOU ARE UNHAPPY AND ACTING LIKE A LUNATIC. STOP BEING IN THE RELATIONSHIP THAT IS MAKING YOU FEEL AND ACT THAT WAY. FULL STOP.

          • August

            OP, you need to go to a therapist. You need to resolve your issues (insecurity, inferiority, control issues or whatever) which made you do whatever you did. You should drop let this guy go right now. This would have not ended up in a healthy relationship. Count yourself lucky that you spent just six months and figured out what is a deal breaker for you in relationships.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            *doesn’t matter, not “doesn’t not matter” – this is what happens when I go full-capslock.

          • Senior Attorney

            We can all agree that daily contact is an entirely reasonable desire/expectation.

            But in this relationship, the answer to “why on Earth would I not expect him to make contact once a day” is “because he’s not willing/able to make contact once a day.”

            You two are not a match. Game over. Turn up the house lights.

          • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

            Completely with Killer Kitten Heels here.

            I have been treated the exact same way before, down to the ignoring me when I am talking and upset by staring at the TV or computer. I am typically someone who is exceptionally calm under pressure. And especially in relationships. I can’t even think of a time when my husband and I have yelled at each other, let alone prompted me to drive around hysterically and do other seemingly crazy things.

            But I had one ex like yours, same exact behavior. I think it was because he was actually an abusive person in general. He accused me of doing really bizarre things I didn’t do, and I sort of lost it. It turned into a physically abusive relationship, and then he messed with my finances, personal relationships, professional life, etc. He kicked me out of my own apartment, and I left because I was afraid he would physically hurt me. I lost some friends because of lies he spread about me. I had to get a restraining order because he kept coming to my friend’s house where I was staying, and actually he got into a fist fight with my female friend when she tried to prevent him from coming into her home. I had to get character and fitness counsel for a hearing before the state bar because he reported me to the bar for things I had never done, and my license was delayed. It was absolutely insane. There are still ripple effects in my life from time to time. It took me years before I could even considering being in a relationship again.

            A relationship shouldn’t be a source of continual stress-it should be a partnership. Get out now.

        • August

          OP is not asking constant updates. She is asking for daily contact which is not unreasonable. May be her boyfriend doesn’t have time for that or may be he is not the type who wants daily contact and it is okay to break up due to that. OP should have not driven to his house to continue the argument and wept and did what she did.

          However, OP’s boyfriend has no issues giving her what she wants (in this particular case, going to her house) but wants her to ask the same thing in a way he find “sweet”. This is the hallmark of a narcissistic person.Given how much OP is vulnerable and desperate right now, he is going to play with her feelings big time. She will come short whatever she does and anything and everything that goes wrong will be her fault (in this case she was not sweet enough).

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      Man, I feel like you are dating my ex. Get out now before you lose your rent-controlled apartment to him and need a restraining order.

    • Anonymous

      This is exhausting even to read about. It just doesn’t need to be this difficult. This is not the relationship for you, no matter how much of a great guy he is, and how much this is his job, your job, whatever else besides your personalities. There is validity to KKH’s comments, as always, but perhaps cut yourself a bit of slack as there will be time enough to reflect on your approach later on. I agree entirely with her bottom line – take a step back and step away. You cannot, by force of your own will, create the relationship you want when, by definition, a relationship requires the input of two people. This is clearly making both of you miserable. Life is too short, and there is too much else good for you out there.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry, just now reading your comments at 5:27 and 4:07 – get out while the getting’s good. This is not a healthy place to be.

  27. It's Me Again...

    It’s me again… The Poster from last week who posted about my BF of 6 months who did the 180 on me and has become completely unavailable ever since starting the new job at the new investment bank.

    Well… quick update. I was out of town on a crisis call (I’m in PR, as I mentioned) for the entire week. Got back on Thursday night. He asked me to come stay with him so I I went straight over to his place from the airport. As always, I missed him. It had been a week since I’d seen him. All in, it was a great night. He ordered food, had our favorite shows on DVR, we talked, cuddled, and I actually felt we were having quality time and bonding. In the morning, we both get up and head to our respective offices.

    Now it’s 9pm on Friday and I have not heard from him at all. Following everyone’s advice, I try to keep calm and not necessarily feel abandoned. He calls me at 9pm as he is leaving the office. We have an unspoken routine where Friday nights, he leaves work, goes home and changes and packs a bag, and heads to my house to order in and watch Netflix and spend the night. I assumed it would be the usual – and especially because I had been out of town all week and he had been working particularly long hours. Well, he calls and says he isn’t coming over because he is too tired and doesn’t want to sit in traffic for 45 minutes, so better for me to drive to him.

    I admit – I kind of lost it. I felt I made the huge effort to see him straight from the airport and he was unwillin to reciprocate. All these emotions came out and it ends in a hysterical phone call where we are arguing and I am crying and so forth. I end up driving over to his house because he is not engaging me and knocking on his door. We proceed to argue for hours – it’s more like me having a breakdown and him completely shutting down and not wanting to deal with hit. Net net– we fall asleep together after saying a lot of bad things to each other (you never loved me, you don’t love me, I wish you would leave, I don’t want to be with you anymore, I don’t want to deal with this, we need to just end this, etc.). Albeit, we kissed and made up, and slept in a tight embrace and held each other all night.

    Saturday morning, we wake up to some tension but he appears to smooth it over by giving me a big hug and telling me I am overstressed with my job, that everything will be fine.

    Later that day, I text him about coming over. He tells me he has a family emergency with his nephew in the hospital and has too much going on to come see me. I texted a few times to check in on his family and over support. Last thing he said was “thanks, I’m cool”.

    …… I have not heard from again.

    That was Saturday afternoon. It’s not Monday afternoon. I called Sunday to make sure he was okay. No answer and no response.

    Safe to say it’s over? Not sure how we went from “everything will be fine” Saturday morning to a text about his nephew and then suddenly being ignored. I do know he went out for drinks with his male BF on Saturday night so I know he isn’t tied up with family emergency, necessarily.

    Is it time to let this go?

    • Anon

      sad to say but signs point to yes. I’d definitely back off for a while. Entirely possible that he is just consumed with family stuff, but I’d let him come to you at this point and leave him alone for a while.

    • Wildkitten

      Yes. But one good thing is that by him doing a total 180 you were really able to identify what you want and don’t want in a relationship. When you’re done drinking wine and watching chick flicks you’ll know what to look for and avoid in the next dude you spot.

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