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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 157 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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sexy holiday party sweaterSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. I think this top is really, really pretty. I nearly included it in my roundup of ideas for holiday office party outfits, but ultimately decided the peekaboo lace was a bit too… well, peekaboo for most work events. But I like, and would consider wearing to a non-work-related holiday party (even with a nude camisole, hey hey). The top is $198 at Nordstrom. BCBGMAXAZRIA ‘Pietro' Peplum Lace Top Lord & Taylor has a lovely plus-size version. (L-3)

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Comments

  1. Gift Help

    I would like to do one identical gift for each of the many women in my husband’s family. I have found the gift for the guys (Yeti coasters made my life so easy) and think it is just easier in a family that is constantly discussing “fairness.” Everyone is in their late 20s. I’m thinking about soft robes or slippers. Does anyone have a favorite (inexpensive – around $50 max) brand? Are there any other ideas I should consider instead?

    • Godzilla

      Slippers would be tough, especially since you’d need to know everyone’s shoe size. Robes are easier – S/M/L.

      • Gift Help

        I’m intrigued and considering these instead of robes/slippers. Looking at them now. What makes them so good?

        • Maddie Ross

          So I’m not exactly in my late 20s, but I would be so annoyed if all the men in my family got a cool Yeti or a HydroFlask, and you got me a robe that I didn’t want. I think you should go gender neutral and get the same for all!

          • Gift Help

            Point taken. I think I’m going to do either the Yeti tumblers or hydroflasks for the girls. The Yeti coozies are perfect for sticking beer cans/bottles into and the girls tend to share a bottle of wine while the boys are drinking beer, so I didn’t think they would want them. But I’m liking the idea of hydroflasks for coffee/tea/water/whatever.

          • Shopping challenged

            Wine charms and cocktail napkins from Pier One, and a fancy stopper if you need to fill out the budget.

          • Contracts

            You can order custom vinyls on Etsy – or someone on your fb feed probably makes them – to make the yetis feel special. You can have monograms or nicknames printed. I think they usually run $5-7 each.

          • Anon for this

            Late to the game and you’ve already got it covered, but SO. MUCH. THIS.
            I hated sitting around looking at the cool gift the guys got, while I got something useless (to me). So thanks, Maddie.

        • JJ

          They’re fantastic! I use two every day. A 40 oz for water at work (so I don’t have to get up as often for water) and a 20 oz to bring my coffee to work every day. I love them because they really keep my water cold/hot for HOURS. In the summer, I can make ice water and keep it in my car while I’m running errands and even though it’s well over 100 degrees outside, the ice isn’t melted. And they’re spill proof/leak proof.

          They’re also fantastic for adult beverages while outside, on a beach, or in the pool, if you’re into that sort of thing…And they’re dishwasher safe (Yetis are not dishwasher safe).

          • Gift Help

            Thank you! For the 20 oz, is it the standard mouth? I feel like wide mouth and coffee/tea do not mix, but want to be sure I’m getting the right thing.

          • JJ

            Yup. It’s the standard mouth. I take the top off to let it cool before I drink it, FYI. Otherwise, that coffee is *hot*

          • Wildkitten

            I have the wide mouth. You can put different tops on the wide mouth and the narrow mouth and the wide mouth has a lid for sipping coffee.

      • Emmer

        Love my HydroFlask. But if you want a sport cap for it, buy the Kleen Canteen one – the HF one leaks.

    • NOLA

      What about a faux fur throw? Then you wouldn’t have to worry about sizes. That said, I found my wonderfully soft pretty robe (I think it’s Laura Ashley) at SteinMart of all places. I was there shopping for someone else and saw it.

    • Anonymous

      The traditional SIL gift on my husband’s side of the family is socks+chocolate.

      Gift basket of fine jams, maple syrup, and granola?

    • Sunflower

      Several years ago I got all of the women in our family long red terry cloth robes and had them monogrammed at the neighborhood monogram shop. Very cute and wonderful for a group picture.

  2. Craziness

    One private school in my city is touting how it develops global leaders. Really? Really??? I am in a city that is not on a coast that is large enough to have an NFL team (but is an expansion team). But you read it here first folks: we are developing global leaders (are we going to be taking over other countries? or what, exactly?) here. At a K-12 school.

    • Anon

      My private school said that. I was a “lifer”: entered in 1988 and graduated in 2000. The global claim didn’t come around until the late ’90s, though, when they developed a complete international curriculum. It was a concentration with certificate you could choose and your electives would be tailored toward international studies.

      I don’t think we’re talking about the same school. My state touches the coast, but the city isn’t on the coast the way Boston or NYC are.

    • marketingchic

      My kid’s elementary school uses and abuses the term “leader” – everything is about “leadership” – but the kids have no idea what it means.

      • Anonymous

        It is crazy. Global leaders. Not local leaders (which we need). Or even local helpful people (dentists, plumbers, small business owners, pilots).

        BUT: if everyone is a leader, who exactly is being led?

        • Wildkitten

          Just because there’s a President doesn’t mean my city doesn’t have a Mayor. The pastor is the leader at church, but a member of the Congregation might be the leader of their business or family. There can be lots of leaders.

          • Anonymous

            But it’s the tone: only global leaders are important. And that it’s like a product they’re producing or a commodity that the parent is buying.

            I would like a guarantee that my kid is not living with me and smoking weed in the basement when he’s 30.

          • Anonymous

            And kiddo is not just a leader, he’s a *global* leader!

            It’s like how my friend’s group at work went from being “Finance” to “Global Finance,” even though nothing but the title changed. They are on the globe. They finance things. I guess it works.

            Signed,
            Global minion

          • Jez

            You know how to guarantee that – PARENTING. This seems like such a silly thing to complain about.

        • Monday

          Yeah, I don’t think there’s any substance to the term “leader” or “leadership” as it’s commonly used now. It’s more similar to getting the most “followers” on Instagram or something, than to cracking eggs to make the omelette. I highly recommend “Excellent Sheep” by William Deresewicz for a discussion of related problems in elite education.

        • Anonymama

          Good lord,I think they mean any kind of leader on this earth, I’m certain they are not excluding local leaders by saying “global”, but rather trying to sound more broad-reaching. Speaking of reaching, you’re really looking for something to get annoyed at today, huh?

          • Opal

            +1 Although I understand the gut reaction, I agree with the above. Give the school the benefit of the doubt.

      • bridget

        Call me crazy, but there is nothing wrong with learning leadership by seeing other people do it, and selecting your leaders because they excel at the lower-level stuff, aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty, and have the capacity to do more.

        But I’m a grumpy person who really dislikes the idea is anointing kids as “leaders.”

    • Anonymous

      They probably mean it to indicate something like “leader in the global economy,” so the kid can get a job as a middle manager in big companies, learn about the internet, etc. It’s silly, yes, but people worry about the Internet and the world and things changing. I work with people on different continents on a regular basis, and even though there is almost nothing different about it than working with people in other locations in the same country, it sounds different and scary.

    • ORD

      My kids’ tiny elementary school in the Midwest has that, and other grandiosity, in its vision statement. I find it silly, but it’s just one example of the crazy eduspeak everywhere at these schools. Get yourself on a long range plan committee with their various hired consultants and you will go crazy. It’s all global this, 21st century that. They are worse than lawyers.

      • Anonymous

        it’s a school — their vision is… to teach? How does that require an explanation even?

        But I say this knowing of a church that had both a vision and a mission statement. IDK — I kinda get what a church is.

    • Trish

      It is silly. The brights kids are on the race to the top that is killing them with homework because the US wants to compete with China. And the other kids (who have other talents, no doubt) are falling behind due to developmentally inappropriate tests. We opt out of all standard tests. My son is a natural born leader because he has a gregarious personality. I am still tired of the rat race of grades and clubs, etc.

  3. Sparkly Sweater?

    Happy Weekend everyone!

    I posted previously about wanting a sparkly (cheap) top for casual events. I ended up getting the Sparkle surplice wrap top from Talbots. Not as sparkly as I wanted but very low key and was on sale for $29 with free shipping. I can wear with jeans, black pencil skirt and even print skirts.

    • Baconpancakes

      Piggybacking on this – anyone find any cute casual sequined tops under $40? I loved the sequined sleeve baseball tee I saw all around Pinterest, but discovered it’s a) sold out and b) from American Eagle. Something that’s not all sequins?

  4. Mary Ann Singleton

    I saw this question on a different forum, and thought it would be an interesting question for this group: What have you learned this year? (Could be anything – tiling a bathroom, canning fruit, dealing with difficult family members, CPR, etc.)

    • Anon

      How insanely expensive maintaining a yard is (and buying trees!). On a more positive note, I switched industries (law) at the end of 2014 and am started to actually feel competent in my new industry – always a nice feeling.

      • Fishie

        Every spring I contemplate pulling out everything and filling up all our beds with rocks. Had I known then what I know now…

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and this peekaboo lace top. I agree with Kat that you absolutely MUST wear a cami underneeth, b/c otherwise men can see your bra or worse yet, your boobie’s if you are NOT wearing a bra or cami. FOOEY! Personally I can NEVER wear this to work b/c Frank would be pokeing at me with his pencil, or his finger, and stick’s it in the lace–like he does with my shawl. FOOEY on Frank.

      As for the OP, the MOST important thing I learned this year is to be humbel. As a new Partner, I must remain deferentieal both to the other senior partner’s, as well as to the Asociate’ss that I need to do the dirty work for me. May I say that the senior partner’s forged alot of the hard work that got our firm to the top of the WC and Pi pyramids in NYC, and I am reaping the benefit of their hardwork. So I am gratful.

      As for the associate’s, of which I was recently one, I am very respectful of them and try NOT to give them any work to do after 12PM on Friday, b/c I NEVER liked getting schlocked with a new assignment when I was thinkeing of the weekend fun I wanted to have. Now that I am older, wizer (and wider–FOOEY), I look back to the days I was serveing SUBPEENIES and am so happy I do NOT hav to do that any more.

      so as we approach the new year of 2016, I wish to tell the HIVE how humbel we all should be b/c life is to precius to waste on petty things. LOVE and be LOVED, Mom says, thos this does NOT mean letting some greazy guy into your bedroom. Have a great weekend–I am off to catch a train with the manageing partner at Penn Station! YAY!!!!!!

      • Wendy

        Vera is right. Ellen is sweet and has a big heart (and tookas by her own admission). I love reading Ellen’s posts, especially around the holidays because she really is a giving person. Yay for Ellen!

    • CountC

      I learned how to take off a garbage disposal and associated pipes and unclog them. I learned out to change the cylinder of the deadbolt lock on my front door. I learned how to rekey doors. I learned about the FAR/DFAR and subcontractor flowdowns.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        You go girl! Those are all things I need to learn. Especially the FAR/DFAR stuff.

        • CountC

          Thanks! Owning a house is one way to have to figure these sorts of things out :)

          Not sure where you are located, but I did one of the FedPub seminars with Tomanelli. I thought he was good and the session was informative. The annotated FAR/DFAR we got as part of the class has been SUPER useful so far!

          • Mary Ann Singleton

            Thanks, I’ll definitely look that up! I just keep putting it off so scheduling a seminar would help.

    • Shopping challenged

      I’m starting to learn to shield myself from the heavy emotions brought on by certain family members, even while still dealing with them.

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like I’m always bragging about this, but this year I learned that it really is possible to have a loving, respectful, sexy, fun, drama-free relationship with a lovely grown up man. And, indeed, that there is such a thing as a lovely grown up man! Who knew?

    • Seattle Freeze

      I learned how to sew double welt pockets. And how not to be anemic. And how to keep my dog from throwing up on the carpet every morning.

      • Anon with a dog that vomits

        Oh! My dog does that! What did you do to make it stop?

        • CTAtty

          I’m not OP, but my dog did this and our vet said it was because she wasn’t eating in the morning (food is out all day, she just wasn’t going downstairs to eat). I started giving her a treat with peanut butter in the AM (after we get back from a run) and the throwing up stopped almost altogether.

        • Seattle Freeze

          Basically, when she goes too long between meals, her stomach gets too acidic and she gets queasy. So now she eats three small meals a day, with a Prilosec about 10 minutes before the last one at bedtime. The vet had us start with Pepcid, but she needed something a little stronger.

    • Liz

      How to keep my houseplants alive! And how to perform some (very minor) car maintenance tasks. Also, at my new job I learn something basically every day, if that counts.

  5. Need to Improve

    Why is peplum still in style? Is it? I don’t think it’s flattering on most people.

    • Sheepie

      I saw somewhere that peplum is on its way out. If it’s on the internet it must be true?

    • Anonymous

      Really? I think it’s very flattering on most people since it hides muffin top. I have heard its on its way out though.

    • Anon

      Peplums have been in and out of style for decades, at least back to the 1940s, probably before that. They weren’t intended to hide a muffin top (which is nothing anyone in 1940 had ever heard of) but to emphasize the difference between a tiny waist and fuller hips. Like all other styles, they are flattering on some shapes and unflattering on others.

      • Mpls

        +1 A much less extreme version of farthingales. Or anything with petticoats. Or a bustle!

  7. Sheepie

    Question for the hive. How do you find motivation at work? I’m feeling very unmotivated lately. Somehow I always seem to be dealing with the same problems day after day – arguing about the same 4 contract provisions for every deal, etc. – and I’m just sick of the day to day. Is this a sign I need to move on? I’ve been with my present company for close to a decade. Maybe after that long everything starts to look the same?

    • anon

      A decade is a long time to be at the same company. Maybe it’s time to consider other opportunities. Your role really can vary a lot from company to company. Reach out to your network.

  8. Anon for this

    I’m in a fairly small legal market. Almost five years ago I left a medium sized firm where I worked with two nasty bullies. The firm was having financial trouble and the bullies would give bad reviews to any associate to try to protect their own jobs. They were non-revenue mid-level people who were miserable about life. They would talk and laugh about the associates behind their backs and were just general a$$holes.

    I moved to another firm and went about my merry life never having to deal with them. Then as their firm was about to go under, they got gobbled up by another mid sized firm in my town. It’s a firm that I frequently have on the other side of my cases. Now the bullies are going to be my opposing counsel.

    I know the best revenge is to just be awesome and beat them. However, even though I am a very confident person, I feel like a total loser and imposter whenever I have to see them or deal with them. One of my cases luckily got transferred to another attorney here (for different reasons) before I had to actually talk to them again. I just had an accidental missed call from one of them looking for the other attorney. I realized how panicked I felt about having to talk to her. It is ridiculous and insane to feel this way five years later. I guess I’ve just been lucky in the past and most of my co-workers have really liked me. I’ve never had someone dislike me so much without reason.

    Have any of you had to professionally interact with a former office bully after leaving the job? Particularly in an adversarial role like being opposing counsel from each other? How did you deal? I’m also worried their dislike for me will make them want to screw my clients and case rather than negotiate fairly. At least I got almost five years of not having to deal with them and at least they weren’t gobbled up by my firm!

      • JJ

        Tough but fair. You’re letting them make you feel this way. They’re opposing counsel now. Buck up and zealously advocate for your client.

      • OP

        Unfortunately, they do. I was in court the same day as one of them less than a year ago. He talked to me before hand about how surprised he was to see me in court. His case was just before mine. When his was over and mine was called he loudly announced “gotta stay and watch this”. Which he did. He left as soon as my argument was over before my opposing counsel argued.

        • Senior Attorney

          He’s an ass. You have won by getting out of that firm. Hold your head high and carry on.

    • Shopping challenged

      You know the best revenge. For me, the way to pull it off if I were so nervous would be to channel the tv lawyer you most admire in the courtroom. Good luck!

    • Trish

      I feel sorry for people who make fun of other people. How sad is his life that he had nothing to do but watch you in hopes that you would mess up?

  9. Overwhelmedbygifts

    I am struggling to come up with a gift idea for my finance’s older brother (45), who is a managing partner at a law firm in a major southern city. I’m a law student a few years younger than my fiancé, but he and his brother are over 10 years apart, so I am almost 20 years younger than his brother. We get along well but I’d like to get him something thoughtful and aligned with his interests so I can relate to him a bit more. He makes comments about how young the first-year associates are, and I’m younger than that, so I definitely need some help!

    • NOLA

      Well if you want to get him something aligned with his interests, the first question is – What are his interests? What does he like? What does he like to do?

    • NYC tech

      Picking a gift for him sounds like it should be your fiance’s problem, not yours. Don’t take on all the emotional labor this early in your relationship! The exception is the rare case that the family has a definite, established tradition of each adult member of a couple giving a separate gift to each adult member of another couple.

      • Shopping challenged

        If you do this now, you’ll be doing it until death do you part. If you’re OK with that, I’d suggest reading material or something from Audible.com if he drives a lot. That can fit any interest and is easily exchanged. It could even become a tradition.

        • Anonymous

          If you go with reading/Audible, I suggest the book Drive. It is a book I wish every law firm managing partner would read/listen to and if he is genuinely interested in being good at his role(rather than just interested in being in his role) he will enjoy it and learn from it.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        +1 to this. I’m on the other side of this (Spouse has half-siblings who are a decade younger than us), and gifts for them are always from both of us, with Spouse picking them out. Basically, Spouse buys for his family, and I buy for mine, and all of the gifts to everyone are from both of us. That’s not to say we don’t talk about it or help each other out with the other side’s gifts, but we each have primary responsibility for our own relatives. We’ve done it that way since our first Christmas together, and it’s kept the holiday stress down for both of us.

        • Overwhelmedbygifts

          Good suggestion. My fiancé suggested we do gifts together, but since its my first time joining them for Christmas, I wanted to show that I was making an effort to be thoughtful to each individually. I’m also Jewish, so christmas traditions in general kind of go over my head. I’ll ask again about joint gifts. It might just be easier to establish a practice now.

          • Senior Attorney

            This is definitely your fiance’s job. Begin as you mean to go on, and let him do the heavy lifting on this one. Nobody will expect individual gifts from you.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Christmas is super-serious-business in my and H’s family, and joint gifts are not only accepted, they’re pretty much the rule, so I think you’re totally safe with the joint-gift option. If you want to make sure you’re demonstrating thoughtfulness, you can always write a brief note in a Christmas card and attach it to the gift (H and I do this – we’ll give each person one card from both of us, but we each sign and write a quick message in the card individually).

          • California girl

            Definitely joint gifts.

            As a single girl, it reminds me I need to somehow figure out how to joint gift all the couples in my family.

      • Overwhelmedbygifts

        I’m not sure what established practice is, but I know my fiancé always got separate gifts for his brother and sister in law, while they would give him a gift as a couple. Their gifts for my fiancé are always lavish and much more expensive, but I think thats a product of him being the older brother and being very successful moreso than it being a joint gift.

        • Cat

          Exactly – “their” gift for your fiance – he didn’t receive one gift from Older Brother and one gift from SIL, correct? So each COUPLE buys two gifts – one for each member of the other couple – rather than each PERSON buying two gifts. Joint FTW!

    • Anonymous

      Do you need to exchange gifts with him? Your fiance’s gift can be a group gift from you both.

  10. Shopaholic

    I’m struggling to come up with a Christmas gift for my boyfriend. He’s 29, fairly minimalist, likes electronics, football and video games. Any ideas?

    Thanks all!

    • Anonymous

      Tickets to a NFL or local college game? (although I guess that would have to go into next fall….). Apple watch? Fitbit?

    • Cat

      A big hit with my husband (well, and me, I suppose) has been choosing a joint gift to each other – things like splurging on a fancy dinner or event to enjoy together, or a weekend getaway (like a 3-day ski weekend). Plus it plays to the minimalist side. No element of surprise, but that suits our gift-giving style perfectly!

      • Cat

        It could also be a “thing” – one year, we got ourselves a nice flatscreen – but not sure if you’d want to go that route depending on how far along you are in the relationship.

    • Anon

      Buy an oversized football jersey from his favorite team. Stick a bow on it. Dress yourself in the jersey and nothing else. Invite him to unwrap his gift.

      The older I get the more I realize men are really simple creatures.

      • Nan

        this would certainly be well received, but having s-x with your partner is not a gift.

  11. Anon

    Any corporettes bought themselves a rental (income generating) property? Esp. BEFORE you bought yourself a home or apartment? Let me hear from you – how was the process; mistakes made; how you identified the place (esp. if it wasn’t just your old home that you kept as a rental when you moved on).

    I’m in the DC (Arlington) area. Not sure about my job and life overall, so I think I’m personally better off in a rental right now as I don’t want to buy someplace and have it be totally unworkable if I need to move on. Yet I see the real estate market here as hot without being untouchable (unlike my prior city – NYC). To be clear — not thinking I’ll buy and an apartment will double it’s value in 5 yrs. If anything, I’d like an apartment that I could hold for the long haul to generate income; but it’s a matter of finding a place that is (i) consistently rentable esp. to young professionals making money; while (ii) setting it up so the rent covers and exceeds the mortgage + interest + taxes + HOA + property management fees with some (small) cushion left over. I would need a property manager as I have a full time job and am not handy AT ALL so I can’t be on call if someone’s faucet leaks.

    What do we think — good idea? Bad idea – and I should just stick to equity market investments?

  12. ShouldKnow

    VW Diesel folks – just got this in an email from one of the class action firms.

    Volkswagen has now stipulated that participating in the program will not affect your right to pursue other compensation or legal remedies, including your right to continue participating in the class action litigation. This morning, Judge Gerald Rosen from the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan entered an Order (attached) confirming this. The Order also confirms that Volkswagen may not enforce any arbitration clause, class action waiver, or jury trial waiver provision contained in the Prepaid Visa Loyalty Card Cardholder Agreement and/or Volkswagen Dealership Card Cardholder Agreement.

      • Anonymous

        They don’t. There are no MDLs, for instance, pending in E.D. Mich. currently, for example

      • DCR

        Class actions often (but not always) end up where the company is headquartered, and are spread throughout the country. I know tons in California, New York, Florida, etc. Are you thinking of car class actions, cause I would think lots of those companies are headquartered in Michigan, right?

    • FeelingIgnorant

      So does this mean you are able to sign up for the Visa Giftcard even if you are part of a class action lawsuit? I haven’t understood whether you could do both. TYIA!

  13. Shopping challenged

    C’ette moms recently discussed teacher gifts–for preschoolers. Does anyone have suggestions for middle school teachers? I doubt they’d all compare what each kid got them, so I can spend $20 on the good ones and skip the lame-Os.
    Also, my son is struggling with some emotional stuff (middle schoolers do that, he’s pretty tightly wound already) and the teacher who has been most helpful is the one whose room he sits in for 20 min until she gets the signal that it’s time for that group to go to lunch. Is it weird to get something for her (but not for the guy next door, in whose class my kid is behind because he–the tech teacher–is having printer problems?

    • padi

      My best friend is a middle school teacher. She gets alot of gifts: candy, books, food, cute fragile knick-knacks,…

      The thing is, with her dietary restrictions, she can’t eatthe candy of the food. She owns the books she needs, and doesn’t have room for the knick-knacks.

      The best gift is a gift card for a store she goes to like Starbucks, target, trader joes. The gift certificates to restaurants mostly go unused because she doesn’t want spend another $30 to use a $20 gift certificate for her and her husband to eat a meal.

    • Anonymous

      My father was a middle school teacher. Please, step away from the mugs and cups.

      (Most) Food gifts were appreciated, but there is such an overwhelming quantity that it’s hard to get through it. I recommend something shelf-stable and seasonless (ie, not holiday food).

      Best gifts are (a) child-picked or child-made, (b) show gratitude rather than merely checking something off the list, and/or (c) spend like cash, because frankly, my parents had a hard time getting food on the table and clothes on their kids on a teacher’s salary. They do not, I repeat NOT, have to involve crafting.

      A thank you note mentioning specific things that my child has learned or experienced in their class and a $20 amazon (or other wide inventory store) gift card is what I give.

    • Ems

      As a former middle school teacher, I loved the thoughtful stuff from kids. I would have loved nice handcream or starbucks giftcards. I tossed things like random perfume.

    • Annie

      My mom’s a high school teacher, and her favorite gift is a Starbucks gift card. You can combine them all online and not have to carry around a billion gift cards.

    • Anon

      You’re a better mom than I am. Once my kids left elementary school and had 8+ teachers each, I stopped with the gifts. However if you’re gonna do it I think a Whole Foods gift card is nice. It puts food on the table but it may be slightly splurgier food which feels gifty. And there are lots of nice things to buy at WF if not food per se.

    • Shopping challenged

      There is a Star’ucks close to the school, but there is also a local coffee shop that has a drivethrough (Star’ucks doesn’t). I like supporting them, so maybe I’ll get gift cards there. Or maybe The Container Store, which makes me drool.
      My son wants to make a card for the teacher I mentioned, from whom he receives no instruction.

  14. Anon

    So after much back and forth and reading past comments and forums, I’ve decided that I’m okay with a moissanite e-ring. Our parents – while loving – do not have a lot of extra cash to put towards a wedding. And I’d rather we keep money in our savings account in case I ever decide to leave big law or buy a home in this HCOL area. So, I’ve decided that if I want a colorless e-ring that sparkles – moissy is my best bet and we can use the difference in what would have been spent on a lab-created or a ethically sourced diamond on the wedding and cover some expenses that others’ parents may traditionally help with. Just wanted to “verbalize” this to someone other than myself before I share with the bf.

    • Ering

      I requested the same thing 10 years ago and my ring is still beautiful. Solitaire in a gold setting. We had intended to upgrade after a few years but now that we have the means I don’t really care. Going for a second channel set band instead for our anniversary. Anyways, just wanted to reassure you that it was a good decision for me too. I get compliments on it all the time.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I have an aquamarine, not a moissy, but it’s nearly colorless and super sparkly, and at 4+ years old I still get compliments on it on a weekly basis, PLUS the cost savings covered a photo booth and an upgraded cocktail hour at our wedding, both of which were 100% worth it. Which is to say, you’re making the right choice. Enjoy and congrats!

    • Anon

      Do it. However, a piece of jewelry is an asset that has value (even if not the price you paid.) Flowers or an open bar or another appetizer at your wedding are not assets. If you really want to be smart about this, keep your wedding as small as possible and invest the savings from the ring in your savings/ future home buying fund.

    • meme

      I have a (small) diamond ring, but if I could do it over again, I’d go CZ or moissanite for sure. I was young and at the time this possibility really didn’t occur to me. Even though we didn’t spend a lot, I see 0% point in a “real” diamond vs. a nicely made ring with a cheaper and less ethically problematic stone.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I love my moissanite ring. I couldn’t see spending the amount for a diamond but wanted something big, sparkly, and colorless. My husband was on board with the idea right away.

      Immediately after we got engaged, my stepmom asked my dad for a moissanite ring. She’s been hoping to upgrade her diamond for years but liked my ring so much she’s fully supporting the moissanite plan.

    • Anon

      Go for it. When it comes down to it, it is just a ring. If it’s important to you to have a pricier ring later in life and you have more money, you can do it then. And while I appreciate Anon’s comment that it’s smarter to invest the extra money (because it probably is), having the wedding you want will give you a lifetime of memories and you will likely not regret that.

  15. Term Clerk

    Term law clerk here. Does anyone know what maternity policy applies? Is there a difference if you are on the JS or CS plan? I think this is an HR question and not a judge specific question – can anyone confirm this?

    Related question, what are people’s experience with the term type positions and pregnancy? Is it best to wait until in a permanent position? My current position is flexible (add a year, subtract a year, so long as within term reqs). Most firms seem to have a one year policy before using maternity leave, so not sure what other female attorneys have chosen to do.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I am not even remotely an expert on this, but I don’t see taking 3-6 months off from a clerkship that going to be, at absolute most, 4 years (total limit on number of years you can spend as a temp clerk, at least in the federal system) working out. It may be technically permissible, and if you’re already pregnant, then I guess my advice is to call HR and roll with it, but it’s pretty unfair to your judge and your fellow clerks. Your best bet from a time/career impact perspective, if you could swing it financially/insurance-wise, would be to end the clerkship at the time you would go out on maternity leave, and then have a negotiated start date with a firm that’s 3 to 6 months out from your due date.

      If finances/insurance needs don’t allow for an unpaid 3-6 months, then your second-best solution would be to finish your clerkship, start at a firm, and try to time your pregnancy so you’ll have been with the firm at least a year before needing maternity leave. Honestly, I don’t know that I’d even want to get pregnant before the first year is up, because morning sickness/doctors’ appointments/etc. are likely to mess with your schedule and I wouldn’t want to be “that associate who started using all her PTO three months in,” but if you’re operating under some kind of fertility time constraints, you may not have the luxury to put pregnancy off for that long.

    • Blueberries

      I took a four-month maternity leave during a time-limited position. It was a great job, doing some of the most important work I’ll do early in my career and there was no one who did exactly what I did. I was missed, but my colleagues were very happy for me and it worked out totally fine.

  17. Anon in house

    I moved in house several months ago and was dismayed to hear that several of my former colleagues who mentored me did not make partner. I would like to reach out to them but don’t know quite what to say. Any ideas?

    • Work

      I would not touch that topic with a 10 foot pole. How could that end well?

      Instead, if you really care about them, you reach out to them as a friend would and ask them to have coffee/dinner sometime. Or you catch up with them at an industry event etc.. and you just listen and be supportive. Or around the holidays you send them a card and thank them (again?) for their mentorship and tell them a little about how your new position is going. You can end that you would love to catch up with them sometime. You leave the door open to them only if they want to talk about it.

      • Anon

        Agree. If you’d like to reach out to them because you’d like to keep in touch with them, by all means do, but I wouldn’t mention the topic unless they bring it up. I didn’t make partner at my old firm and would have been annoyed if someone reached out to me to say “sorry you didn’t make partner.”

    • Anon

      I didn’t make partner at my biglaw firm and was subsequently told I would not be put up again and was pushed out – after 8+ yrs of 2400-3000 hrs/yr. The emotions are unlike anything I’ve ever felt before — it’s been 2 yrs, I’m in another job (that I hate) and I still feel it occasionally. Take it from me — DO NOT reach out and say anything about partnership. Frankly if the announcement just happened, unless this is a friend you were chatting with weekly (and I doubt it – if you call her a mentor) – don’t reach out right now. Right before the holidays you can reach out with a happy holidays – let’s catch up after the new year, kind of message. And she can choose to get together with you or not.

      I know for me I was fairly depressed and didn’t want to talk to anyone for MONTHS – it was a combo of disappointment with fear of what I’ll do next, mixed with the fact that you still have to do work for those partners bc your work doesn’t just go away; and at my firm, the partners get a LOT colder and won’t even look you in the eye – so it’s uncomfortable.

      I do appreciate the people who reached out as friends and continued to do so, even when I wasn’t being that sociable. But that SHOULD NOT happen 2 days after the news goes out — that should happen over the next few months.

      • Anonymous

        It made me sad to read that this happened to you and I feel terrible for you. It so happens that I’m up next year so I’m trying to keep a good perspective on this. What did you end up doing career-wise afterwards? If you don’t mind reopening old wounds, did you see it coming? Is there anything you would have done differently?

  18. Gift stresses

    Input on a gift to my SIL. I was thinking about giving her a gift certificate towards a housecleaner “spring cleaning” visit. She is a SAHM (1 child in grade school).

    Would this be an appropriate gift, or could it be taken the wrong way?

    Now I’ll give you some background, and ask the same question….

    My brother has been married for more than 10 years to my SIL. I always have a hard time buying gifts for her. She was born in Taiwan, but moved here for college and has been here several decades since. She has been having mental health issues for years, untreated, and has been having a hard time lately. My brother essentially works, cares for the home and child, and is pretty exhausted. SIL is quite withdrawn, and has no active hobbies/interests, no close friends/family in this country.

    I have seen them only once in their home in the past year – they live across the country. It is pretty clear that no one is cleaning the home.

    Would a gift certificate for a house cleaning be an appropriate gift? I am so worried about my SIL, that I worry the wrong gift could back fire.

    • Anon

      Sounds like it could be taken as an insult, and she might think you are giving it because you think her house is dirty (which you are). I am not particularly touchy and while I would love that gift (because I hate cleaning), part of my would wonder if the person giving it thought I was a slob.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think it’s a nice thought but I see how it could be problematic. How about making it a gift to their family, along with something small for each of them to open? And coordinate the logistics through your brother to make sure it actually happens.

      • Gift stresses

        Yes – I think I agree. Every other person I know including myself would love love this gift. But unfortunately part of my SIL’s illness is she hears/sees the worst in everyone. It’s such a tragic situation.

        It is just so sad to see this situation spiraling. And if they don’t hire someone to clean, I know my brother is the only one to do it…. and he is so exhausted.

      • Gift stresses

        and Senior Attorney….

        Actually, your suggestion was what I was thinking about doing. Giving it to “both” of them. I was even thinking of asking my brother ahead of time to see if this would be welcomed. I think I will do that for sure. Yes… then separate smaller gifts.

        I think my hope was that the cleaning would work out well, and then they would continue it regularly as this is clearly needed. It is in their budget.

        But now…. I’m thinking of abandoning this. Shoot…. Mental illness sucks.

        I really appreciate your input – both of you.

    • Shopping challenged

      I think you should break the rules and talk to her about it. Tell her you think family should help each other out, you wish you could come do it yourself, but you can’t, so would she be ok with a cleaner coming? If she’s dealing with depression/anxiety, she may be rather “brittle”/fragile and have a hard time with relatively small things a cleaner would move in her house. At least, that’s how I get.

      • Stephanie

        Most of the time I’d agree with this… but December holidays can be a REALLY sensitive time for anyone, and doubly so when depression is involved. Would a restaurant gift card get your brother out of cooking for a night or two? Most people will pretty easily accept “let Longhorn make the meal while you two relax” without offense.

    • Wildkitten

      Amazon Prime or Google Express or Instacart could also be helpful and wouldn’t have the same third rail as a housekeeper.

  19. Nordy frustrations

    I recently ordered a TON of items from Nordstrom’s black friday sale and most of them have been canceled, including some items I was really looking forward to gifting (and some keeping for myself). Many of them were canceled several days after the order, so in the meantime I missed out on other black friday sales. Just venting and am curious if anyone else had these issues? I usually love Nordy’s but this is really disappointing! Plus most of the items that have not been canceled (yet) haven’t been shipped even though I ordered them over a week ago. BOO.

  20. LawLibrarianMove

    Anyone go from lawyer to law librarian? the job seems interesting enough and i enjoy the research. anyone have any anecdotes around pay and promotions?

    • Law librarian

      You will likely need a MLS, which will cost some money and might require a move. Jobs are limited so you might have to move again to get a position. But it’s a great job, low stress and still analytically appealing. So do your research on what it would take to get the MLS and a job then chart out your pros and cons.

    • Anonymous

      My last firm and current firm both terminated their longtime librarians and replaced them with younger, cheaper people who don’t have a JD. With so many online resources, firms are shrinking their book collections and there is less need for a fulltime librarian. Can you go into law firm marketing with a focused on industry research? That is more of a growing field.

    • Anonymous

      Westlaw/Lexis research attorney? Same general idea without the need to get an MLS. And the JD is required for that job, and it’s probably not even necessary for a law librarian.

  21. Sydney Bristow

    Westlaw/Lexis research attorney? Same general idea without the need to get an MLS. And the JD is required for that job, and it’s probably not even necessary for a law librarian.

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