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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy Monday! I'm digging this simple black dress from Donna Karan New York. As always, I'm particularly fond of the details — the red and white contrast trim at the cuffs and hem. The bones of the dress look great too, especially considering that elbow-length sleeves are hard to find. The dress is $1,295 at Bloomingdale's. Donna Karan New York Contrast Lined Dress
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Lawgirl
Eh. Not a fan, sorry, Kat! This dress appears to be thin and clingy nightgown-like material. I had to Google “cupro” to see what it meant (a tencel/rayon type fabric designed to imitate silk). Also, IMHO, the high neckline and long, clingy sleeves seems like it’ll be a disaster waiting to happen on any woman without narrow shoulders and boobs larger than a size B cup.
Godzilla
Concur. I’m having a wonderful time with typically non-clingy dresses with our lovely winter static to even contemplate that cling-thing waiting to drive me nuts.
Bonnie
This doesn’t look like it would be very flattering.
Ladies, I found the perfect tall brown boots: http://www.colehaan.com/colehaan/catalog/product.jsp?catId=100&productId=425921&productGroup=425923
My athletic calves make boot buying a pain but these have elastic sewn into the design and fit perfectly. They were originally $448 but are now marked down to $269. I got them below $200 with a coupon.
TechAnon
Oh, pretty! Do you have these in your hands now? The description says they have “Hand-painted vachetta upper[s]” and I’m curious what that means. Is the leather really painted? With what? I can’t see any pattern in the photos.
Bonnie
I’m wearing them today. I’m not sure what that description is about. They’re just plain brown boots with stripes concealing elastic down the sides.
Buddy
The exprietse shines through. Thanks for taking the time to answer.
phillygirlruns
i have these boots as well, with a higher heel (the air violet gore 90, rather than 60) and in black. i did not notice the “hand painted vachetta upper” bit before i ordered them and, having worn them a few times, have no idea what that means. there is no pattern and the leather doesn’t appear cheap at all, which is the sense i get from “painted.” i also have gargantuan calves and while these are a very tight zip over the widest point on my dominant leg (about 16 .25″), they zip. the goring is also subtle – i loathe the typical strip of tonal elastic that you usually get in gored boots.
meme
I have been stalking/drooling over these boots for months now. They are so simple and beautiful. How do you think they would do for someone with pretty narrow calves? My 8 months pregnant calves are just a bit under 14″ by my measurement (and I think thinner when not up 30 extra pounds) and I seem to swim around in most boots. I’m starting to think that sleek look just isn’t in the cards for me. But I really want someone to tell me these boots would work and I just wouldn’t need any of the stretch or something.
Cee
Don’t buy them now. Sorry to say it, but you’re likely to swell up during that last month, meaning you won’t wear them. And you may find that your feet grow after pregnancy. Mine grew during my second pregnancy, although I was reluctant to admit it.
NOLA
Pretty! I wouldn’t have ever looked at those and thought they’d fit my calves. Agreed that they look better than others with the elastic gores. I’m curious – I’ve never tried on wide calf tall boots (especially this kind of dress boot) because I always thought they’d look odd on me. Odd question, I know, since you’re wearing them, but do these kinds of boots look flattering with large calves?
Bonnie
I think so. :-) But then I like my muscular calves and legs. To me, tall boots like these extend the line of the leg.
NOLA
I like mine, too! I’ve always had big calves but now they (and my legs) are very muscular from years of stairmaster, treadmill at incline, and now weights. This could give me new confidence to try tall boots!
Wear Them In Good Health!
In addition to being pretty and feeling nice, the good news is that they will last forever. I have a very similar pair (black, no elastic) that I bought in 2008 or 2009. They still look and feel new, with only regular cobbler mainenance (rubber halfsoles, heels and polish). Enjoy!
IA_Eng
Also looking at the picture of the back of the dress, the white edge of the bottom lining makes it look too much like you have a slip sticking out…
Tired Squared
I had the same thought–couldn’t tell if it was a slip, or the model was wearing knee-high socks and had skin showing between socks/hem
Joan Holloway
Actually, I think this dress could look great on women with D+ boobs: (1) the scoop neck falls well below the model’s collar bone, which makes it a flattering neckline on many full-busted women; (2) the long sleeves will not contrast with the bust, so they won’t highlight it; and (3) black is always minimizing. Plus, the red cuff draws attention away from the bust.
The main negative would be clinginess at the bust, but that’s an issue with all knits and can be remedied with a jacket when it’s crucial to be hidden.
spacegeek
Yeah, my immediate thought was…ooh what a nice way to do black with a pop of color! But I didn’t look at the fabric, etc, after seeing the price. :-)
CP in seattle
love the simple black with red cuffs! Very chic!
AIMS
I think this would be great in a different fabric. But I have to agree with Lawgirl that elastene, spandex and a fabric designed to imitate silk are probably going to be way too clingy for your average workplace and on your average woman.
Always a NYer
This. And would you really shell out $1,295 for synthetic fabrics?
anon
Early threadjack: I started at a big firm last week and then on Friday got an email from the head of the litigation section that he would be conducting attorney reviews at the end of this month. I got the email as part of the litigation section, but I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to be reviewed since I just started. Thoughts? Should I email the head guy (who I’ve only met twice)?
Michelle
most likely you are part of a larger “litigation section” distribution list and it was a mass mailing to the whole team. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Former MidLevel
Agreed. And do *not* email “the head guy.” If you are going to be reviewed, you will know about it eventually–but if you really need to know now, ask a mentor or a trusted senior associate for the scoop.
Can't wait to quit
Don’t email the head guy. Sit tight and be prepared to discuss how you are settling in and take the opportunity to discuss your goals if you do indeed get a “review” meeting.
anon
My question wasn’t clear, sorry. Im supposed to go schedule it on his calendar, so I have to take affirmative action. Should I do it?
Anonymous
I’d ask a trusted colleague first whether or not it’s SOP for newbies to get reviewed. If you are supposed to be reviewed, email head guy’s assistant to book a time on his calendar.
Michelle
check out the back view – what the heck is going on with her leg? Is that the lining pulled down to show (in which case, why does it align with her tights as opposed to the dress hem)? No sign of that red and white stripe from the front view…
a passion for fashion
I’m just eh on this dress, but if you click the Bloomingdale’s link, a gorg Sonia Rykiel dress pops up along the side. If I was in the mood to drop a grand or so on the dress, it would be on that one!
Godzilla
Also, I just wanted to say that this past Weekend’s Open Thread was perhaps in my top 3 favorite Corporette posts. It’s a great read. Thanks ladies for such a great discussion.
Red
What were the other 2?!
Godzilla
LOL I’m not sure. I’ve been reading this site for 3-4 years. I’m going to have to think about this.
ss
Me too. I thought there were a lot of ladies who were very generous with their posts and personal experiences, many thanks to you all.
Diana Barry
Agreed with the above – why is there red/white showing in the back view? Depending on the thickness of the fabric, too, you would prob need a full slip. I do like the *idea* of the dress, though. :)
Threadjack, for those of you who have quit a job, how much notice did you give? I am about 90% sure I am quitting my job to coincide with #3 child’s arrival. I am an attorney and would like to give my boss enough notice so they can start interviewing new people (it is an 80% job). Baby is due in late April and I am anticipating last week of work being at 38 weeks in case baby arrives early.
Is first week of March enough time, or should I push it back another week/two?
Kady
I intended to give 1 month notice (I didn’t leave for pregnancy reasons) which stretched out to about 2 months (partners wanted me to stay to finish up some cases). I think it mostly depends on how much your boss will need to fill your job immediately (or if there is some wiggle room w/ redistributing the work). The charitable thing would be to give a week or two more if you think the firm will need to fill your position immediately. It also builds in time for training the replacement, etc…
BTW, I mentioned in a post last week that we must know each other b/c I also know one of the guys who started the rent split calculator. And I’m in Boston.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve never given notice in a legal job before, but in my previous professional life it was common for my company to tell people to clean out their desk on the day they gave notice. Not saying that would happen at your office, but something to consider. I gave that company 1 month notice myself because I had an excellent relationship with my boss and my responsibilities in the position I had were far outside the traditional responsibilities for the role so he needed me to train my replacement.
LStar
Two weeks notice was considered standard and completely acceptable at my former firm, even for very senior associates who were running matters, etc. But I worked in an office of nearly 200 lawyers, so there generally wasn’t a desperate scramble to fill a spot with a new hire immediately, even if it would need to be filled eventually. If your firm would expect you to take some leave time after the birth of child #3, that’s additional time that they don’t expect you to be available for work that they could spend looking for your replacement. Obviously you know your own workplace better than I do, but I think 3-4 weeks is plenty early if you know they will have to fill your position immediately for all of the reasons Kady described.
Always a NYer
It’s been a while since we’ve played “What are you wearing?”
Today I’m wearing a turquoise blouse, taupe pinstripe trousers, and flat beige ankle boots. I also have on a black drape cardigan because my office is freezing at the moment. My hair is down and in addition to my usual rings and bracelet, I’m wearing dangly gold earrings.
Your turn!
Anonymous
Tweed skirt, tissue turtleneck, diamond-patterend tights and knee high boots, all in black/gray. A kind of boring classic that fits with my mood on this *very* Monday morning.
AMB
Plaid grey and white dress with black tights, flats and cardigan. Also wearing my super sparkly faux diamond studs that go with the square pattern on the dress.
phillygirlruns
also boring/classic, also black/grey, also monday.
gray wool j.crew “hutton” trousers (love these pants. high waist, wide leg, cuffed, great drape), black crewneck t-shirt, black blazer, pearl studs, long three-strand silver necklace with spaced out (imitation) pearls in varying sizes and shades of white, dove gray and darker bluish gray, and regular jewelry (wedding set, david yurman petite albion ring in blue topaz, rose gold mk watch). plain, boring black flats.
Anon
I’m wearing a black and white tweed pencil skirt with black tights and heels, a teal cowl neck top, a paisley scarf and pearls.
I am generally working on taking my outfits up a notch by layering blazers and sweaters instead of just wearing a top. I find though that I am only organized enough to put this together when I pick out clothes the night before unless I’m wearing a suit. Didn’t happen last night!
a.
That sounds pretty! I love teal and paisley.
Myself, I’m not winning any innovative style awards today, in a navy pencil skirt, slate blue button-down with a very fine stripe, gray leggings, and dark cognac riding boots. As far as accessories go, I’ve got on a scarf striped in fall colors (because it sounds hideous when I say “striped in gray, orange, red, yellow, burgundy, and blue,” even though it’s actually lovely and I get tons of compliments on it, with the added bonus that it goes with *everything*) and champagne diamond studs.
My nails, however, I quite like. They’re OPI’s Moon Over Mumbai, which is a very cool, understated pale gray. I think it’s going to become my new standard nail color, as it makes less of a statement than any other polish I own, but is fresh and unusual enough that I don’t feel like a stylistic sellout. (Says the girl in the Ann Taylor pencil skirt and J Crew button-down. Sigh…)
Bonnie
Brown tweed Trina Turk skirt, cream Loft long-sleeved blouse, red belt, red necklace and brown boots.
Woods-comma-Elle
Pretty happy with my outfit today, and it reminds me about why I should always try to wear something nice to work:
Purple cowl neck top, cream jacket (Forever 21 of all places, a bargain at $15), grey patterned skirt from Mango, black heels.
Kady
Purple turtle neck, grey glen plaid slacks, puple/grey/blue loafers. Feel really dowdy today. May have to go back to bed.
Diana Barry
Old navy maternity dress ($11!), Pea in the pod blazer, black tights, Clark’s knee-high boots, chunky pearls.
Nonny
Black pencil skirt, black mandarin-neck jacket with turquoise lining that peeks out when I move my arms around, turquoise necklace to match the lining, black patterned tights and black heels.
Expecting to be asked to go in to a second interview on short notice any day this week, so I have to dress for an interview every day until it happens.
Rose in Bloom
Plum cowl neck ponte dress from Land’s End (got it for Christmas & love it), tan belt, cognac riding boots. Same jewelry that I wear every day: pearl earrings, tank Citizen watch, wedding & engagement ring.
Happy Monday everyone! It’s my last “first day of school,” so I’m really excited to be almost done!
AJ
Red, navy and white striped knit dress (Land’s End), gray sweater tights, brown boots. Silver and unidentifiable yellow stone earrings from Jewelmint.
Formerly Preggo Angie
I’m actually liking what I’m wearing today, so… olive blazer, camel pants, and a gold-brown-purple patterned top (it sounds weird, but it works). I only wish my pants were hemmed longer so I could have worn this awesome pair of croc-style brown heels I just bought. Alas, I am wearing my plain Mary Jane style brown shoes. No jewelry today, straight long hair.
Genny
Love these threads! You click through to see mine!
Kanye East
Hollandaise sauce left over from this morning’s breakfast meeting.
jcb
Y’all have way better catering than we do.
Nonny
Kanye, I always love your responses to these threads.
Duchess
Navy blue and emerald green patterned velvet skirt from Boden, navy blue tights, navy blue tissue tee, and cognac knee boots (with grey, navy and green argyle knee high socks underneath that no one can see, but I know they are there! [Argyle makes me inordinately happy.])
Bunkster
Very boring today. Black Ann Taylor Loft cords, black wedge heels, deep blue scoopneck Zara tee with more medium blue v-neck angora/wool sweater. And 3 silver bangles, 1 blue enamel bangle, black armani tank watch, and red beaded necklace. Forgot to put on earrings as usual.
R in Boston
Grey pants, flowered halogen blouse in the grey/red pattern, dark red belt, black cardigan, silver jewelry, and grey cone-heel pumps. Also a new haircut, making me considerably less shaggy than last week at the office.
GRA
Hey R in Boston, can you come cook for me? :)
B
J. Crew a-line skirt in dark green, black Jenna cardigan, black cami, black tights, black pumps. Pearl studs and long pearl necklace, knotted. Glasses, because I must have gotten something in my eye over the weekend, and contacts hurt.
Cee
It’s a grey day for me too. And a discount day as well. The most expensive things I’m wearing today are my shoes.
Heather grey merona wool v-neck sweater from Target. Black gap perfect pants. I dressed up the sweater with a grey/silver herringbone pleated scarf and multi-metallic toned chandelier earrings (more subtle than they sound, but interesting), both from Charming Charlie, grey booties from Me Too.
Thank you to the commenter on here who first mentioned the Target v-necks. I bought four of them when they were buy 1, get one 50 percent off. They are soft and fit beautifully, and cost me about $12 each. They are nice enough for many days at my business casual work in the colors I picked, particularly when dressed up with other elements of the outfit.
Tired Squared
Purple sweater, dark-wash jeans, and purple boots — going straight from work to the sports bar for tonight’s LSU game!
PCV
I’m wearing my ninja suit long underwear that I got for Christmas! And a bunch of clothes on top because it’s cold.
1L-1
So jealous!
Black shell, dark blue top, royal blue cardi, black skirt, hose, flats.
Jas
I think I’ve finally found the perfect winter dress for work. It’s a red cabled one from BR and it’s the first sweater dress I’ve worn that doesn’t cling at all with a respectable length and neckline.
I’m wearing it with a black shawl-neck cardigan, black belt, black tights, and red kitten heels.
AN
B&W polka dot jersey dress that still fits my 6 mth preg. body + pearl earrings + red lipstick.
oh, and cherry red pumps with a 1-1.5 inch heel. super comfy!
LawyrChk
Thanks to you ladies on the Weekend Thread, I finally bit the bullet and bought a pair of ski boots (after approximately 12 ski trips with rental boots and related hot spots/bruising and foot cramps). I’d been looking for my splurge item to celebrate my bonus last month, and these will hopefully be enjoyed for years to come.
tika55
Yay! It’s hard to overstate the benefit of owning your own boots!
Lydia
Congratulations! On my end, the bootfitter fixed my boots in about two seconds. He said I was fine waiting to buy till next season, which is what I am going to do. Happy skiing to you!
MJ
Yay–so glad you saved $700!!!
I also forgot to tell you that shin bang can sometimes be helped by thicker long johns, like running tights…but sounds like you’re all set! Enjoy the slopes. Still jealous!!! No snow in sight for CA!
PCV
Looking for advice/reassurance: I am in a long-term and very long-distance relationship. I’m a quarter done with a two-year volunteer assignment in a weensy village in the Caucasus. I just got back from visiting my boyfriend back home, and, boy, was it hard to leave again. We had a talk—unresolved—about our futures, together.
My plan is, and has been since before we started dating a year and a half ago, to go to law school once I’m done here, basically choosing which one by the best one I get into. He pointed out last week that that means we’ve got the rest of my time here apart, as well as three additional years of law school. In my ideal world, I would get into Columbia or NYU and he could move back to New York. However, there’s no guarantee of that (I have a fine LSAT score but a less-than-preferable GPA), and he has a job now in a different city that has the possibility of being long-term. That city does not have a good law school. I’m the sort of person who thinks, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” but it’s really worrying my boyfriend that, stretching a loooong way into the future, we will not live anywhere near each other. And he’s starting to make me worry, especially after we had such a fantastic visit over the holidays.
Can we do this? Have any of you ever done five years long-distance? My boyfriend is willing to do it, but it puts a lot of burden on him–most importantly emotionally, but he also bears most of the travel costs, because I’m a volunteer and he has a real job. Also, he’s only a couple years older than I am, but he’s so much farther along in his career path, as he got a very good job out of college and is not planning on going back to school. It makes me feel like I’m making him put off settling down when he’s already ready. Should I consider altering my plans? But if so, in what way?
Former MidLevel
Need some more information, i.e.:
1) Does your boyfriend actually want to “move back to New York”?
2) Does your boyfriend like where he lives now and want to stay there long term?
3) Would his current city be one you would be willing to live in someday?
4) Are there good law schools that are closer to his city than NYC? I.e., is there a good regional school nearby that, if you went there, would give you good job prospects in his city? (For example, if he’s in San Francisco, have you considered UCLA/USC)?
PCV
Here’s the kicker about his current city: it’s where I was living before I left, and he got his job a few months before I left. He most likely would not have considered living there had I not been there. I think he does want to move back to NY, because that’s where his family and friends are, but he comes from a family that values career success and, as I understand it, if things go well he could move up in his firm (he works at a small hedge fund). I would be willing to live in his current city–that’s where my family is from and lives currently. Part of the reason I know he’s a keeper is that he gets along fantastically with my family (they hang out even though I’m gone), and on this visit that just happened he made dividing my time between divorced parents, siblings, and romantic time with him seamless. As for good regional schools, there’s really just a dearth around there. Anything would be at least a 2-hour plane ride away.
Former MidLevel
Hmmm…that is definitely tough. But you’ll apply to law school this fall, right? If your LSAT is good (which, for most people, counts more than GPA), you should have a sense of where you can go to law school in 12 months or so. Frankly, I’m a planner (sounds like your boyfriend is, too) and that sounds long to me. Especially if he’s not necessarily interested in moving back to NYC if you get into school there.
The not-so-comforting truth is that juggling two careers is always going to be tough. The only solution I’ve found so far is really honest communication–honestly talk through possible scenarios–including who is willing to make what sacrifices in what circumstances. I don’t think just deferring the issue is really a solution, especially if he’s already concerned. Best of luck.
Miss Zarves
Um, or Boalt.
cbackson
Long distance works for some people/relationships, and doesn’t work for others. I have a friend who’s been with her boyfriend for almost 10 years, and they were long-distance for much of that. On the other hand, I’ve known a lot of people who found that distance exacerbated other problems in the relationship, or that their relationship couldn’t grow in a normal way while they were apart.
Not knowing you, I don’t have great advice, but I would think about the following:
1) Where you go to law school really, really matters. In my opinion, you want to go to either the best school in the city/region where you plan to practice or to a top-ranked school with a national reputation. So if you think that you might be willing to settle down, for life, in the city where your boyfriend works, maybe you go to school there. But realize that if you guys break up, you’re stuck getting your degree from Not So Good University, and it may not be portable.
2) Having your SO be long-distance can be a boon in law school, because you don’t have to feel guilty about not seeing him/her because you’re studying all the time. I was long-distance with my (now ex-) husband during law school, and it was actually okay because it let me focus on work.
3) At some point the “distance” phase of your relationship has to end, and you may not know how that will affect you. In my case, my husband traveled 250-300 days per year after we were married. One summer, he didn’t travel for three months straight, and (although it was MUCH more complicated than this) it turned out that we weren’t as suited to living together as we’d thought we were. Before you make a law school decision, you may want to have some time where you’re living and working in the same city so that you can see if you’re actually compatible in a day-to-day living-together way. Two years overseas is going to change you, and you need to know if the “you” that you are now is compatible with the person that he’s become in the same time.
Monday
Just want to add an endorsement of cbackson’s Point 3. I was in a long-distance relationship for a few years (granted, this was a while ago and I was young, but that probably means I was about the OP’s current age–early twenties?) When we finally did live in the same city, it became clear pretty quickly that it wasn’t working, but we had had no idea of this during the period when our whole relationship consisted of visits back and forth. He may be your ideal guy for a permanent commitment, but the concern is that you don’t have time to tell when you’re long-distance. So I’d suggest making a career/school plan that you will be happy with whether or not you end up with him in the long run.
I know that this may mean not prioritizing the relationship, and that what feels like a vote of no-confidence can be self-fulfilling…these decisions are rarely easy. Most of us have had to make them at some point though.
PCV
That’s what I’m worried about–my instinct is to be as independent and autonomous as possible, but in the past few years I’ve really learned that relationships with family, friends, and boyfriend are very important to me. So theoretically I very much do want to go to the best school possible, and it’s just now hitting me that I very much want to be with this person for the rest of my life, and that these two goals may not align perfectly. He hasn’t asked me to do anything yet (besides the “Come home nooooowwww…” wishful thinking), and I want our plans to be something we decide on together and are happy with together. I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot, but I also don’t want to be the woman who defers to the man.
cc
But it seems like he has completely deferred to you. He moved once for you, its kind of “your turn.” It doesn’t have to be of course, but I would not be worried about defering to the man when its a man who has moved for you and is now waiting years for you
cbackson
But it seems like he has completely deferred to you. He moved once for you, its kind of “your turn.” It doesn’t have to be of course, but I would not be worried about defering to the man when its a man who has moved for you and is now waiting years for you
Anonymous
I agree with both cc and cbackson. Make sure you’re both on the same page about marriage/lifetime commitment. But don’t let some vague notion of feminism (“the woman who defers to the man”) keep you from admitting that your relationships are very (perhaps most) important to you, if that’s the case.
You can’t have it all – at some point almost everyone has to make hard choices between career and personal life. The best thing you can do is to decide based on what’s truly important to you, not what the media or the women’s movement or your mother tells you should be important.
If you really believe that a happy life together awaits you with this guy, I would think there will be plenty of opportunities during that happy life for you to exercise independence in other ways.
N.
Totally agree with anon above — I struggled with the same ideas myself (I could have written your post word for word five years ago), but I eventually realized that I was trading my career against my happiness, not my career against his demands (my SO was willing to move from a different continent to be with me, so it’s not like I could say he was being unreasonably demanding).
PCV
You guys make really good points. I especially like the way you’ve put it, N: “…trading my career against my happiness, not my career against his demands….” We’ve both expressed the desire to stay together for life/possibly marriage, which has come up recently since his brother just got engaged.
jr
I agree with #2. I was long-distance with my now-husband during law school, and I felt like I could focus on getting work done during the week and weekends when we weren’t together so that we could have more time to spend together on our visits (we managed about every 3rd weekend, less during finals). It would have been nice if we could have driven or taken a train to see each other–our only option was really flying, and it’s really disappointing when you really want to see your BF but cannot justify spending $X for a 3-day visit–so I would recommend looking at schools that would put you in that range from his current city. And yeah, it’s hard to leave, but it helps a bit if you have a plan for the next time you will see him.
When I got emotionally invested in our relationship and made sacrifices to make the distance work (cost of travel, social issues–some friends stopped asking me to hang out when I had to turn them down if I was out of town), I wanted to know where things were going, and my then-BF was on the same page.
Maybe part of why your BF isn’t ok with just crossing that bridge when you get there is because he doesn’t want to be the one to move, and even though you say you want to figure it out when you get to that point, it seems like in your mind, the possible outcomes you imagine involve him moving.
S
I broke up with my boyfriend when his plans involved five years of long distance and he wouldn’t budge on them. I don’t regret it at all since I don’t think he was prioritizing the relationship over other choices.
Ellen
You MUST go to the best law school….do not rely on the boyfriend in a crappy city and a crappy law school, b/c the boyfirend can go away, leaving you with a crappy law degree in a crappy city. FOOEY!
If I had married Alan, I would be a wife of a drunk accountant that may not keep his CPA b/c of his drinking. FOOEY on that!
MelD
My sister was in a similar situation, but she started dating her now-husband after he’d applied to grad schools across the country. They ended up breaking it off for a few years while her husband was getting his PhD and then got back together when the end was in sight.
It seems like you have a lot more options as you have not yet applied to school. I imagine there have to be some decent schools near to your boyfriend, even if they aren’t in the same city. It’s much easier to maintain the relationship when you live in reasonable driving distance to make weekend trips on a regular basis. Also, what does “doesn’t have a good law school” mean exactly? If the school is not T14 but is still the best in that state, it may be a viable option for you if it’s somewhere you’d consider living longterm. If the school isn’t very reputable generally, my guess is that there are probably some decent options within a 2-3 hour drive.
Seconded
“If the school is not T14 but is still the best in that state, it may be a viable option for you if it’s somewhere you’d consider living longterm.” This point cannot be emphasized enough. From your description, your boyfriend doesn’t live in NYC, D.C., Chicago, San Francisco, LA, Philadelphia, Boston, Dallas, or Houston. Outside of those major metro areas, national law school ranking matters a lot less. Going to the best school in your state is often a great option, especially in less-populated states.
Yup
Yes, this is so true. I knew I wanted to stay in my home state, so I went to a third-tier school in a state with only one other option and ended up getting an excellent job.
PCV
You’re right–he doesn’t live in any of those places! I think I need to get a better idea of what he’s thinking–does he really want to stay in this city or would he leave it if something better came along elsewhere? If it’s the former, I suppose I could go to the state school, but otherwise, I think I’d want more options. It’s tough because I know he’s ambivalent about both the city and his job: the weather is beautiful, lifestyle options are great, and he enjoys the day-to-day of his job, but he hasn’t made a ton of friends there and his bosses are rather stingy. Maybe by the time I’ve applied to schools he’ll have a better handle on his idea of the future, so the decision will be easier.
cc
“Should I consider altering my plans?” Well that really depends on so many factors. Objectively though, there are two people in a relationship, and one is requiring the 5 year (minimum) long distance relationship. To be honest, if I was him and had a great job, I would be a bit upset about your plan to have me move to NY. I think the number 1 question you need to ask him is, well if I got into a school in NY, would you want to move there? (I also do wonder about your fine LSAT score- those schools require a really great LSAT score, you may be putting the cart before the horse (speaking as someone who thought I would but did not get into those two) Also when you say five years long distance, who is moving at the end of those 5 years, you or him? Because they way you put it, it looks a lot longer than 5 years, and if he is going to move where you are after law school, maybe he should move earlier. If you are going to be the one moving after law school, maybe you should look closer to where he is, while hopefully still only looking at good schools. Also when you first started thinking about law school the economy was a lot better, have you re-examined that plan recently? Two years of no pay, then three years of no pay plus taking on loans, is also going to have you in rather rough financial shape in five years unless you are getting parental assistance or something similar.
PCV
That’s why I said fine and not perfect! I got a 172, which is decidedly middle-of-the-road for those schools. I’m toying with the idea of taking it again, since I worked for six months as an LSAT instructor and know the test far better than I would like to, but there’s always the chance I would bomb it and it’s a hassle taking it over here.
darby
Not to beat a dead horse, but why do you want to go to law school now? Lots in the media, prior threads, etc. about whether that’s a good decision these days. Have you recently assessed it, especially in light of how you feel about this relationship? I agree where you go to law school is important, but maybe step back and ask the first question about whether that’s still a good idea.
anon
Eh, that scores still falls in the 99th percentile right? I got a 171 10 years ago and got into every school to which I applied, including Harvard, Stanford, Yale. And I went to an average state school for college (but had 4.0 gpa). Have things changed so much that a 172 won’t get you into several top 10 schools?
sc
in reply to anon at 2:33- yes, they have.
cc
4 years ago with a 172 and a 3.3 from a top 30 college and didn’t get in to columbia, yale, harvard, but did still go t14
But to reinterate my point OP I would think about why you want to go to law school since things are different than when you first went.
cbackson
I got into NYU with a 167, FWIW, although I had a 3.9 undergrad GPA and some other more unique stuff on my resume. I would think that you had a pretty good shot at NYU/Columbia with a 172, unless your undergrad GPA is truly pedestrian.
cfm
When was this?
anon
Just to back up cbackson, I got into NYU with a 169 and a 3.8 GPA. Waitlisted at Columbia. Was applying in 2008 for the class of 2012. Didn’t end up going there, though :). I feel like NYU’s career services is biased to the NY area, so if you think you would be trying to move to wherever your boyfriend is at the end, you may find yourself having to be a real go-getter to make connections there (especially if it is in an area that tends to have lawyers from the state school).
Lyssa
If it helps any, I went to law school about 100 miles away from where my husband and I lived at the time. Now, it was obviously a different situation than yours, but perhaps there is a school that you can go to that’s far but not *to* far from where he is?
I started out commuting every day back and forth, then rented out (cheap!) spare rooms and stayed 2 nights a week in the law school town. It was tough in some ways, but worked out really well in others. (I probably got a lot more studying done than I would have otherwise – less temptation both from him and from over-partying with my classmates.)
Anne Shirley
Break up!!!!! At some point being together requires the together part, and that’s not a priority for you. Enjoy your life, and find someone where both of you want more than anything to be with each other. It is out there.
elz
My perspective on relationships, long distance, short distance, whatever is and always has been- it will work if you want it to. But, I do NOT buy into that baloney about relationships taking work. If it is work, then that is not a relationship you want to be in. While I think long distance relationships are easier now than they ever have been, I also think that your asking the question indicates reservations about the relationship. If your relationship was strong, you really wouldn’t need to solicit input from others. Maybe that’s the real issue-you have other issues, concerns, worries and you use long distance as a crutch for not addressing those?
We have friends who have been married almost twenty years where the first 7 or 8 were apart (often continents apart) while they were both serving in the army and moving around or in combat stations. They are happily married with two adorable children.
*Very happily married to a man who met none of my pre-determined “checklist” but is the love of my life & perfect partner.*
Anonymous
A relationship shouldn’t be more downside than upside, but I disagree that relationships don’t take work. They do – especially as you get older and life gets more complicated. They should just be worth the work.
sparky
Disagree, relationships definitely take work. But the work should be worthwhile (eg: the work improves overall compatibility, which is a goal both partners value highly) and should accomplish something (eg: we have a communication problem, lets address it and the next time we face this type of situation we will be better at communicating).
It’s the same as a friendship. If you never make an effort to be part of each other’s lives, be there when you are needed, listen, etc. then what kind of friendship is that?
People are growing and changing all the time. In relationships, the work is to grow and change in ways that maintain or improve compatibility.
Seattleite
Relationships take attention. If the attention feels too much like work, it’s a problem.
Kady
I’ve been with my now husband for over 25 years, we spent about probably about 10-12 of those long-distance (including in different countries). The longest continuous stretch was 4 years (I think). So, it is doable. But don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not difficult. The more likely thing, as much as you don’t want to hear this, is that either you or he will meet someone else with whom having a relationship will simply be more convenient.
It seems like you’re jumping the gun a bit with the worrying though. You’re only a quarter through your volunteer position (so still have 1 1/2 years left?) and haven’t applied/gotten into law school yet. So much can happen over the next 1 1/2 years. If I was in your position, I’d plan to finish the current assignment and plan to apply to LS both in NY (your dream) and within a reasonable distance of where your SO is. By the time your done with your current position any of the following could have happened: your relationship is already over, his career has in fact taken him to NY, you don’t get into either of your dream NY law schools, you decide to work for another year or two (in city with SO) before going back to law school.
Can't wait to quit
I will be very honest here. My husband has a great piece of wisdom: there’s someone for everyone, usually within the same zip code. Unless your boyfriend is equally enthusiastic about waiting FIVE YEARS to get on with the life part of life, you two should call it a day and plan to remain friends if possible. To me, doing five years long distance is a huge waste of time for both of you. Why put yourself on the shelf and shut out the people you will both meet in your day to day existence in favor of some potential ideal that’s five years away. Unless your parents and his made a contract when you were toddlers and there’s money involved, just admit that your timing and his aren’t compatible and you both need to respect that and move on. Postponing the life part of your life for school and jobs isn’t always necessary.
Nonny
This actually brings up a good point. I have been in a couple of long-distance relationships before and have learned something important: at some point, to make it work, you have to be willing to make the relationship your first priority. The point at which that becomes important is different for everyone, but it will come, and your perspective or your boyfriend’s may change on this over time. He may be willing to wait 5 years today, but in a year’s time, he may no longer want to wait that long, regardless of his feelings for you. At a certain point, it comes down to the practicality of the relationship.
I would not come down quite as hard as Can’t Wait to Quit and say you should just quit now, but you should think long and hard about whether this relationship is a priority for you, and if you want it to work, you may just need to swallow your pride, accept that you need to get in the same place (mentally and physically) as your boyfriend and start living life together. Otherwise, you may find that things may just move on without you. I’ve been there, to my detriment, and it is not a happy place.
Anon
This is a very honest advice but also the hardest thing to do. My bf of 2.5 years just moved away last month to west coast (4 hr plane ride away) for a new job. He got laid off and was job hunting for 8 months, he had to accept a change of industry, relocate, take lower total compensation and start at bottom of the food chain. On the other hand, I just got a big raise + bonus +restrictive non-compete making it even harder to switch jobs or move closer to him. I just didn’t have the heart to break up especially when he was going through such a difficult time and had to make so many compromises. I am mentally giving this 1 year of long distance to see where things go and evaluate again. Looking forward to meeting him for the upcoming long weekend !
PCV
Thanks everyone for your good advice! I think at this point the best thing to do would be to talk out possible scenarios with my boyfriend. We’re not really in a position to make any decisions yet–I’m not applying to schools till the fall and he’s been at his job for less than a year. But knowing where we’re going–or at least narrowing it down to several paths dependent on law school acceptance and his career will make us both feel more committed and sure that we have a future together. I need to think long and hard about what I want out of my career and the implications it will have on my relationship, and vice versa.
another option
Haven’t read all the comments to see whether this was suggested, but can you apply to several schools, weigh your options and then defer your admission for a year to be with your SO? I did this. My now-husband and I were long distance for three years, I applied and was accepted to a law school in a different city than where my husband was located, deferred the admission for a year and moved to be with him.
It was hugely important for us to have a one year break in the long distance to confirm that we (a) could live together and (b) were still compatible after a lot of years of living our every day lives without the other. It also helped re-affirm the relationship through some really rough patches after I moved away to start law school. In full disclosure, we decided to live in the city where my husband was living, so I transferred schools after my first year, but it’s just another option to consider. Also, it gave me a nice year working in a 9 to 5 job without worrying about the future b/c school was settled and I could jsut enjoy the time with my SO.
Nonny
This is a truly excellent suggestion.
MelD
Why does she need to defer? She hasn’t applied yet, so she can just wait an additional year to apply. If she’s worried about recommendations, she can ask her recs now to write letters to keep on file to send when she actually does apply. Not all schools will accept deferrals, and there’s no guarantee you’ll get in or get the same scholarship package the next year if you reapply. It just seems like it makes sense to apply once when she really wants to go to law school instead of possibly having to apply twice because her school of choice won’t offer a deferral.
Amy H.
I second that this is an excellent suggestion (whether implemented through deferral or just delaying applications one year). This way, both the OP and her SO would have a reward/goal in sight (a year to spend with SO living together) that’s only 1.5 years off, and that year would also give them a sense of how living together works for them. Five years, for me, would just seem too daunting, depressing and insurmountable.
For the OP, one more data point for once you’re back in the same country as your SO — my husband and I met when we were living on opposite coasts. Ten months after that, he moved (he wanted to move) to my coast, though not my city — he was able to find a job in a city about a 1.5-hour plane flight away from me. While it’s still long-distance, and still work, my personal experience is that a long-distance relationship is much, much more tolerable when it’s a one and a half hour flight away rather than across the country. Just being in the same time zone made a huge difference. And we were able to see each other nearly every other weekend as opposed to once every six weeks or so.
KK
You have already gotten a ton of excellent advice. I’ll try not to be redundant. I get a vague sense that maybe you are looking to rationalize, if possible, choosing a less-than-top law school in order to be closer to a boyfriend. I think that is absolutely a legitimate choice, especially if you can go to a top regional school in the area you want to practice. But you may as well ask him if he’s willing to move, it might depend on where you want to go and you won’t know that til you apply. Apply broadly, leaving both contingencies open, and then make the decision when you know what all of your options are.
My experience with LDRs: My now-husband and I were long distance for 4 years (really 3 1/2, with him moving back and forth every few months in the last year due to med school rotations). It worked out in the end, obviously, and there were some advantages re less distractions while in school, but honestly, it was pretty awful. And we were only a 4 hr drive apart. By the end of the last year, I would have moved anywhere he matched for residency in order to not spend any more time apart, bar admission be damned.
A lot of people in my class entered law school with long distance relationships and exited without them. I do think that one year or so of long distance can be good for a relationship, it’s a real make it or break it situation. Longer than that can be very difficult. And if you are certain you want to be together, then it’s even more difficult. I still feel like I have almost a PTSD situation from the constant “goodbyes.” We have been living together for almost a year now and I still have to remind myself that this really is a permanent situation and we won’t be packing up and saying goodbye anytime soon.
D
Completely non-career or clothing threadjack:
Have any of you runners or other athletes withdrawn from an event due to general malaise in your training? I’m currently signed up for a 50k on February 19. I don’t really think I have time to train adequately for that, but there’s a 25k on the same day. I know I could finish that one if I run long the next few weekends, but I just don’t want to do the training at all. I feel a bit like a tool withdrawing because it will be third distance event in a row that I’ve been grumpy about training for, and I’m mad at myself for even signing up. (And I’m definitely not signing up for any more distance events in the near future.) Commiseration? Wisdom?
Anon
I once had to drop out of a marathon that I hadn’t trained for. It was clear by mile 13-14 that I wasn’t going to able to finish without really hurting myself. It was a hard decision (I cried), but in the end, it wasn’t worth it to injure myself and sideline myself for a long time.
But, I did learn a lesson and have not signed up for another event that I haven’t been able to adequately train for. Now, when I sign up, I commit to the training that it will take. Sure, the race itself is hard, but most of it is the training. If you are properly trained, the race should be the icing on the cake.
The next time you have a goal in mind, I would suggest putting it on the calendar, drafting a training schedule, and THEN, if you stick to it, sign up for the race a few weeks out.
Have you identified why you didn’t train properly? Are there things you can do to have more success in sticking to it in the future?
D
I could blame my lack of motivation on stress in my personal life, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, I think that I am just bored with training for long-distance races and that I need to shake up my fitness routine. Mostly I think I need a break from running seriously so I can try something different.
I totally agree about the race being the icing on the cake, which is why I don’t really want to go to one if I don’t feel good about my training.
KateL
Seems like a wake-up call to try something else for awhile. I’ve been running for 5.5 years (half marathons and 10 milers mostly) and find myself at a similar cross roads. My training took a back seat to work last summer/fall and I find myself ramping back up and looking for a different goal.
Maybe it’s time to think about a sprint tri or 5K/10K racing? 10ks intrigue me because there is a certain amount of strategy – you can’t go flat out as you can in 5K.
a.
Bag the race. Like Anon says below, we Type A ladies are master self guilt-trippers. If you don’t want to do the race–and, most importantly, don’t feel adequately prepared for the race distance–just don’t do it. The world, I promise you, will not cease to rotate on its axis.
I have actually been angsting through a similar-ish situation, which I will attempt to detail in as few words as possible, because these are first world problems of the er, first order.
I have basically been in training since the fall of 2010, culminating in working my *ss off this summer and fall (as opposed to “just running,” which I’ve been doing since my last season of HS track) to run my first half-marathon in November. While I beat my goal time in the half, it was only by a minute, and as a Type A overachiever guilt-tripper par excellence, I decided that wasn’t good enough. So I took no time off and immediately bounced back into hardcore training for a 10-miler at the end of March. (For hypocritical spice, I yelled at a couple of my team’s runners for not taking enough time off after their cross country season.) Incidentally, I signed up for an eight-race winter series, basically planning to use them as workouts, but also hoping to take down my high school 5k PR by the last race.
I beat my high school PR in the first race in the series, which was in mid-December. And suddenly, all of the angry disappointed flames I’d been using to keep myself going burned out, and I just did. not. care. anymore. Getting myself out the door was a struggle every single day. I wasn’t even happy after I’d finished a workout or run; there was just this sense of grinding, awful, obligation, because I had all these races, and I signed up for them, and I told people I was doing them, so I HAD to do them because if I didn’t I would be a quitter and there’s nothing worse than being a quitter and omg omg etc.
Then I realized that, at this place in my life, I run because I love running, because it brings me joy and peace. Not for any of the external reasons that kept me going through high school, even when I was a burned-out wreck who dreaded every run.
So I told my inner demons to STFU, decided I wasn’t racing anymore, and hit the reset button. I took a week off, and then was forced to take another week off after that, because I got the flu and misplaced my running shoes. And guess what? This will be my third day of running back, and I love it again. Day 1 was pretty rough, but yesterday was one of those transcendentally beautiful runs that I feel blessed to have. I couldn’t have had that run one week ago, much less two.
To conclude this novel, D–don’t run the race if you don’t want to run the race. Don’t train for the race if you don’t want to train for the race. Do things that make you happy. Shake up your fitness routine. Running will still be there, when you want to come back to it.
D
“suddenly, all of the angry disappointed flames I’d been using to keep myself going burned out, and I just did. not. care. anymore. Getting myself out the door was a struggle every single day. I wasn’t even happy after I’d finished a workout or run; there was just this sense of grinding, awful, obligation, because I had all these races, and I signed up for them, and I told people I was doing them, so I HAD to do them because if I didn’t I would be a quitter and there’s nothing worse than being a quitter and omg omg etc.”
I can so relate to this. That’s exactly how I feel.
Thanks so much for your insights and sharing your experience.
meme
If you’re looking for a change of pace, try an adventure race! They typically include things like mountain biking, trail running/navigation/orienteering, kayaking, and/or rapelling or other ropes course type stuff. The variety in disciplines is really fun and breaks things up both in training and in the race. If you’re in Colorado, I can recommend all kinds of good options. If not, google Adventure Xstream adventure races (cheesy name I know, but really fun) then look for something similar in your area.
Speedie
Running should be fun! (yes, even ultras). In training for an ultra, there’s days/weeks when I feel burned out, but if you’ve cancelled your last three events, I’d consider backing off on your training until you’re more eager. It’s also hard to get out this time of year when the nights are dark and the days are rainy.
It helps me to periodize my racing year. After I complete a goal ultra, I’ll take a week – four weeks off completely for running. Then, when I come back, I’m more eager and rested. I ran a 50 mile in November and a 50K in December. Now for 2012 I’ve decided to only do 30Ks or less for the spring, and if I feel up for it, a 50K in May.
When/if you do come back to racing, pick a race you’re excited about–somewhere new or different. Also, in the meantime, how about volunteering at an aid station at a race? Seeing others out there might get you motivated again.
cbackson
Along these lines, elite marathoners drop out all the time, and they drop out early – they don’t want to blow out their legs on a race that’s not going well. Unless your goal is just about finishing, it’s not worth finishing – or even starting – if you know it’s not going to be a good race for you.
Anon
I’ve never done that kind of distance running, but I did sign up for a half marathon a few years ago and just plain dropped out because I had no motivation for training. I’m finally back on the wagon with a 10-miler coming up in April that I’m very excited for.
I think that we Type-A ladies sometimes feel guilty about things we shouldn’t. If you enjoy distance running, fantastic. But if it’s something you aren’t having fun with, I say let it go until it’s appealing again in the future. Sunk costs sunk!
MissJackson
I was signed up to run my local marathon last spring, and ended up having to drop out completely when I just plain failed to adequately train. I considered: (1) running the half instead (but not taking a medal — half was sold out) or (2) just showing up at the start line and seeing if I could finish before they closed the finish line of the full. (1) would have been rough based on my training, but I would have finished (with a crappy time); (2) would have been insane and I’m so glad I didn’t do it. And I was so MAD at myself. I felt like I had failed.
Here’s the thing: do you love distance? It sounds like right now the answer is no. There’s no shame in it. Focus on training for something else that sounds more fun. New 5K PR in the spring, maybe? It’s not a permanent choice — if you decide sometime down the road that you want to do distance, you can always go back.
You know as well as I do that you don’t have to run 50K (or 25K) to be in shape — you run those distances to challenge yourself mentally and physically. Find a different challenge that you’ll actually enjoy. This is supposed to be fun :)
D
Good points, all around!
I’m definitely not loving distance right now. I was feeling a little bad about wasting the registration fee, but Anon brings up a good point that it’s a sunk cost no matter what.
Dreading the long run each weekend and the mid-long run during the week has definitely caused me to skip runs all together. Good point that it’s supposed to be fun! I clearly am not good at making myself do things that aren’t fun.
cbackson
To me, the malaise is always a sign that I’m overtrained and need a break. Your mind needs rest just as much as your body does, and the discipline of serious training is exhausting. Give yourself a break! Do something else for a while. I totally understand the “don’t want to be a quitter” instinct, but it sounds like your body and mind are telling you something that you should listen to.
Formerly Preggo Angie
I signed up for a half marathon, and THIS WEEK is the latest I could start training in order to be ready for it. So I hope I get my butt in gear. I don’t think there’s any shame in dropping out – it would be worse if you hurt yourself.
sparky
Exercise is supposed to be fun! It’s something you do outside of work/chores to de-stress, relax, and take pride in yourself. If you’re stuck in a rut w/running, try something else. Yoga, skiing, biking, swimming, rock climbing… there is so much out there. Don’t feel guilty. Feel grateful to have a body that is capable of physical exertion, and use it in ways that make you happy.
Anon
I agree with all of this. If you are dreading the long runs, you are probably just in a rut and need to shake things up by doing something else (different distance or different sport all together). And I also wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that long distance is not the only way to get in shape/lose weight/keep weight off. In fact, I find that speed work to train for 5Ks and 10Ks blasts fat more than long, slow (relatively) miles. I always feel like I get more bang for my buck after mile repeats or quarters than I do from a slow, steady 10-12 miler.
Bottom line, no shame in not doing the race; evaluate what you’d rather do instead and do that for a while. No sense in hurting yourself AND/OR dreading weekend long runs.
Legal Marketer
It sounds like running is a hobby of yours. Hobbies are supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun anymore, you shouldn’t do it (or you should take a break until it sounds fun again.)
What would cause less distress – pulling out of the event now and moving on or trying to force yourself to train and participate and dread every minute of it? (It’s like a band-aid; just rip it off quickly.)
The key is to move on. Start a 5k training program or take a kickboxing/yoga/trail running class. If you move on, you might get excited about something new and it won’t bother you at all that you pulled out of an event.
Anastasia
(trying again, “posted too quickly” the first time)
I once dropped out of a triathlon that I just didn’t feel like making time to train for. I’ve also switched from a full marathon to a half because of injuries that I didn’t have time to come back from. It sucks. In both cases, I felt like I’d let myself down. Another time, I ran a 10 miler even though I knew I hadn’t trained for it. Total malaise responsible for that one. That sucked more. I was miserable by mile 7 and in pain for days afterward, and now I’ll never run that race again because I have such bad memories of it. You can’t win either way. But if you don’t feel like running to train, you probably also won’t feel like running on race day, and you probably won’t have any fun.
Right now I’m slogging through training for a race in March (with friends, so I can’t back out), and the winter weather leaves me pretty unmotivated, so I completely empathize with you. I’ve cut my running back to 3 times a week, which is the bare minimum I think I can get away with, and I’m focusing on yoga and pole dancing, which are MUCH more enjoyable.
Can you sell or transfer your race registration? If so (and even if not), take a break! Cut yourself some slack about “quitting,” completely stop running and try out some new workouts for a few months; your happiness is more important than your mileage. Swim, bike, dance, step, whatever. I think runners sometimes get into a “run or nothing” mentality. Unless you’re a hypercompetitive athlete, if you’re not enjoying your workouts, in my opinion, you’re doing it wrong.
D
Wow — I had no idea that so many of you have experienced this.
I love everyone’s suggestions for how to shake up my routine.
As of this moment — I’m pulling out of this one and I’m not going to let myself feel bad about it. A weight has been lifted!
a.
If a weight has been lifted, you know you made the right decision to drop out :)
North Shore
Book suggestion: “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running” by Haruki Murakami. I downloaded the audio book on a whim, and was greatly surprised. He’s a famous novelist who is also a long-distance runner, and explains with eloquence his feelings about races, his ups and downs, his venturing into triathlons, etc. Fascinating to get into someone else’s head about these subjects, and he’s a great writer. Interesting for me is that he’s 58 and still racing, and that makes me wonder if I might have a second life ahead of me in sports, as it all dropped to the wayside when I had kids and some injuries.
EC MD
My Dad marathoned into his 60s. He has since cut back, rides his bike more and runs a little bit less, and more slowly. He ran his fastest marathon in his mid 50s — I think his training ramped up as my brothers and I were leaving for college. Hang in there!!
ss
I’ve read some research about how running is a sporting rarity in that a person’s performance typically peaks in their mid-20s and has the potential to stay near that peak until their 60s (unlike many other sports where performance deteriorates as a person hits their 30s or 40s).
Anyway, that’s my inspiration to keep going.
Jewelry cleaning
Any suggestions for DIY cleaning of engagement and wedding rings (platinum bands with diamonds)? I’ve been wearing mine for almost two years and I’ve never cleaned them… Bad, I know. They’re starting to look a bit worn.
Thanks!
Bonnie
Get one of these things and drop your rings in every once in a while: http://www.amazon.com/Connoisseurs-Jewelry-Cleaner-Revitalizing-oz/dp/B000QA2IHC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1326125102&sr=8-3
Next time you’re at the mall, stop by Kay’s. They clean jewelry for free even if it wasn’t bought there.
Anonymous
i’ve also heard that you can use warm water, dish soap, and an old toothbrush.
Alex Mack
In a 16oz glass, mix warm water, a drop or two of dish soap, and a capful of straight ammonia. Soak for 30 minutes, then scrub with toothbrush.
This case from the jeweler who designed and made my engagement ring, and it works great!
Can't wait to quit
This is what I do. I use a soft little kids toothbrush. So sparkly after!
GRA
I take mine to the jewelery store where they were purchased and have them clean the rings (usually twice a year). If you don’t live near where yours were bought, any reputable jeweler can do the same.
mamabear
Agreed – if you like looking at jewelry, you can start browsing and then ask the sales clerk to put your rings in the cleaner while you browse. This is also a good way to have them check for any loose stones.
No Drama Mama
I like elbow sleeves, but I’m not a fan of the dress in general, especially for the price. Donna Karan has done much better than this. I also hate scoop necks. They inevitably stretch out around my shoulders, making it impossible to keep my bra straps covered. Or maybe that’s just me…
N.
I’ve done approx. two years long distance, and I was more the “let’s make some plans now” person while he was the “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” person. My SO was in Europe while I was in grad school in the US, and he was planning on applying to the program that I was in for grad school. When he didn’t get in the first year I was crushed, and wanted to start making some back-up plans. For me, that meant looking into the possibility of moving to a different city where he could study in a different program and I could continue my studies long distance (in the end this didn’t happen, he was accepted to the program when he reapplied the next year).
Bottom line: people deal with the stress of being LD differently, and I can totally understand why your BF might want to make some plans instead of just seeing an interminable future of LD stretching out in front of him (that’s how I felt, at least). I’d sit down and start brainstorming with him and ask him where he could see himself moving to, and if you would consider any of those same places, etc.
N.
Oops, sorry, meant for PCV above
Boston
Ladies, Weird question — anyone know where I can grab a pair of Hanky Pankies or some other pretty underthings on Newbury or Boylston in Boston?
jr
I’m sure you could find something in Filene’s Basement on Boylston (around Clarendon). Not Boston-based, so just going off of memories and no suggestions for smaller stores or what might be in the Pru.
Diana Barry
They’re closed now.
If you want something really fancy, there’s an Agent Provocateur on Newbury and a “Lingerie Studio” (have never been), as well as a Vicky’s. The Miniluxe nail salon on Newbury also sells Hanky Pankies (in little bins) and I think the 344 store does too.
Bunkster
Filene’s Basement. RIP. So sad. When my grandmother was alive, every time I went to the Downtown Crossing store, I’d see her in the shoe department stalking Ferragamos.
Kady
It’s really all gone now, isn’t it? Boo hoo : (
jr
Sadness.
Bunkster
I just googled “hanky panky where to buy Boston” and it looks like there’s a store called Intimacy in Copley Plaza that sells them. Neiman Marcus and Saks are also at Copley Place and both stores carry the brand.
TechAnon
I can imagine what other sorts of results you got from that search!
Bunkster
Actually, apparently there’s a coc*tail with that name
SoCal Gator
Thanks (from me but not my wallet) to those have raved about Lululemon. I finally had time to stop by and try on their clothes. Amazing. However, spent over $600 in a flash and now am wanting more of those crops in their signature fabric. That’s because it is the first workout pant that fits correctly and does not creep down during my cardio kickboxing class. Sigh. I am hooked!
Anon
I just learning some *really* disturbing things about lululemon:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stewart-j-lawrence/when-yogis-kill-the-grisl_b_1077457.html?
http://360blog.net/news/lululemon-not-ethical-company
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/28/lululemon-ayn-rand_n_1116281.html
For one, the owner chose the name because its hard for Asians to pronounce.
Bonnie
It troubled me the most that the owner was trying to justify child labor.
Jas
As bad as those are (and they are) I’m not sure much of it is any worse than a typical clothing brand. I wouldn’t choose Lululemon for their ethics, but if your other choice of brand for workout clothing is also not explicitly sweat-shop free, it’s probably doing the exact same things as Lululemon.
Anonymous
I swear, as many times as I’ve seen that last HuffPo “article” posted repeatedly for months on every blog and facebook page that mentions lululemon, I think there must be an internet bot generating it. First of all, it’s an insult to journalists to call that piece journalism. Second, it’s absurd to judge a company by one employee who is obviously deranged and doesn’t represent the company.
Anonymous
Oops, I meant the first link.
Also, I’m typically inclined to forgive grammar/spelling mistakes, especially on here where the commenters are busy professional women. But in this case, the first line “I just learning” makes me think it really is a case of non-native English speakers being paid to post this article over and over.
anon
That deranged employee is the founder, former CEO, and current 48% share holder.
Anon
I assure you English is my first language – just rushed with the posting/did not proofread. And, if you read the entire comment (are you a native English speaker? Is reading comprehension a weak point for you?) you would see that I was not referring to the murder “one deranged employee”), but rather to the fact that the founder purposely named the company because it amused him that Asian tourists would have trouble pronouncing it.
Anonymous
I didn’t even waste my time clicking the link because I’ve seen the “OMG one employee went crazy therefore anyone who works for, owns stock in, or shops at lululemon is equally crazy” article posted around the internet enough times. I also don’t make a habit of giving clicks to useless websites like Huffington Post.
Oh, and back in the day, I missed one reading comprehension question on the LSAT and scored in the 99th percentile on the verbal section of the GMAT, so I think I can read just fine. Thanks for your concern though, it was super mature of you.
Anon
You really need a lesson in reading comprehension then. Comprehension generally starts with reading the article. The article is about the founder, not a shopper or just someone who owns stock. How can you comment about an article you chose not to read?
m
As I said, I didn’t click it because (a) I think HuffPo is worthless and refuse to generate ad revenue for them, and (b) the “oh my gosh I can’t believe what I just read about lululemon, I’m never shopping there again because of this one horrible isolated incident that really had nothing to do with the company” judgmental diatribe [regarding the Baltimore murder] has been all over the internet for over a month. When you spam the board with three links, one of which has “when lululemon kills” in the URL and an preface with an incoherent, vague lead-in, it’s a safe assumption that the article is the same one that’s been spammed all over the internet by HuffPo trolls.
But yes, the founder’s Asian amusement=definitely not cool. Perhaps that contributed to him being forced out. But I’m not going to stop shopping there because *gasp* they find metaphorical value in Ayn Rand. As much as the intolerant liberal crowd hates to admit it, some educated people actually disagree with you. Calling them stupid doesn’t make you smarter.
KC
Beeeee careful with washing there stuff- i find it pills. I’d recommend not drying ANY of it. it’s high maintaince for workout gear, if you ask me, but their stuff is super cute.
Equity's Darling
Yeah, the general rules for washing their stuff is no fabric softener (though I do use vinegar instead), and hang dry.
It does dry really quickly (usually 4-5 hrs, though I live in a dry climate), and it really only pills if put it in the dryer, or if you wash it with anything that has zippers undone- if you’ve zipped up the zippers before washing, it’s usually fine.
I have enough of their stuff that I do a load of darks and load of lights, and this method works just fine for me.
Nonny
I actually put their stuff in the dryer all the time and have not had any problems. When I first got it, I was good about hanging it to dry, but I no longer bother and haven’t had any trouble. So I guess YMMV.
Bunkster
I actually hate lululemon. Their return policy is terrible and so is their customer service.
I bought a top just before xmas online. It didn’t fit. The return policy is 14 days and only 10 days had elapsed, but they originally said it couldn’t be returned. I spent over an hour on hold with them in order to get them to authorize the return, which of course was completely applicable to their stated policy. Plus, I had to pay for the shipment on the return. And it took ’til today for the refund to process.
In comparison, athleta is amazing. You can return anything at any time and for free. I returned a different top to them on the same day and the process was smooth.
CT
Ladies, I think my apartment might have bedbugs. I’m very anxious about it. I have been getting mosquito bite-like welts for the last month or so. Has anyone been through this? I have no idea how they got there, since I keep a pretty clean place and haven’t brought in new furniture or anything recently. Is there any thing I can do less drastic than getting rid of my mattress and calling an exterminator?
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much.
MelD
Ladies, I think my apartment might have bedbugs. I’m very anxious about it. I have been getting mosquito bite-like welts for the last month or so. Has anyone been through this? I have no idea how they got there, since I keep a pretty clean place and haven’t brought in new furniture or anything recently. Is there any thing I can do less drastic than getting rid of my mattress and calling an exterminator?
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much.
MelD
Edited to Add that you want to make sure you don’t have anything about bedbugs in your lease. I have an addendum that forbids me from removing anything from the apartment until the extermination is complete. As L mentioned, just throwing items out without proper wrapping may just end up contaminating more of the apartment and/or complex.
Anonymous
Second this. My apartment has a standard bedbug addendum that requires me to notify them immediately and essentially turn it over to their chosen exterminator. They have a vested interest in making sure the bugs don’t spread to other apartments (which could actually be how you got yours).
Hopefully it’s not bedbugs though! When I first moved into my apartment, I was getting at least 6-10 bites per night, mostly on my feet and arms and I feared the worst. But the bites weren’t as big as the ones on bedbug blogs, and they weren’t in the typical line of 3 (referred to as “breakfast-lunch-dinner”). That doesn’t necessarily rule out bedbugs, but in my case I stopped getting the bites after a few weeks. In retrospect, I think it was fleas from the feral cats that roam my apartment complex. They lay in the parking lot and in the stairwells, so it’s likely some may have tracked in on shoes and my stuff when it was sitting out by the truck. Who knows, the cats may have even hopped in the truck for a bit. I’ve also seen contractors that do work in between tenants leave the door to units open at the end of the day (not just unlocked, but ajar) so the cats could have come in and infested the carpet that way. Gross, but better than bedbugs!
If you really do think it’s bedbugs, a google search will turn up helpful websites that have tips on where to look on your mattress and bedframe. There’s also a test you can do with those bedcups if you really want to cover your bases.
L
Oh lord. Let me start out by saying I had a really REALLY bad experience with bedbugs (they were in our apartment when we moved in – fun surprise) and we had an AWFUL landlord.
If your bites are very itchy and in a straight line, it’s likely bedbugs. I had an allergic reaction (extra fun) so I blew up like a balloon — I mention this because mine had a dot in the center of the welt, that clearly looked like a bite. This may not happen for everyone.
Some people will tell you to keep your mattress and wrap it in a protector. THROW IT OUT! the longer you keep it and keep sleeping on it, the more bugs you will have. they can end up infesting your furniture (oh yes) and you’ll do a lot more damage. If you can, get some moving wrap (basically like saran wrap) and wrap it before chucking it, so you don’t get any critters in any other part of the apartment.
We had just about no luck with the spray only remedy. I had to threaten legal action to get them to bring in another exterminator who did steam, heat, plus spray. I’d recommend asking exterminators what guarantee they offer (if any). We also used a dog to help identify where they were coming from.
Finally, anything that you have that can go in a dryer, put it in on high heat. Heat and extreme cold kills bedbugs. After its been treated put it in a sealed plastic container. this way you can prevent any spreading.
Good luck! I’m happy to answer any more detailed questions if you need help.
Nonny
I have a friend who had a bad run-in with bedbugs, and as a result, to this day whenever she stays in a hotel, she won’t let anything touch the floor of the hotel room and, as soon as she gets home, puts everything she took with her in a green garbage bag in the freezer for a couple of days. It seems a little extreme but the experience freaked her out That.Much.
MeliaraofTlanth
My brother had them in college–the building had them the year before he moved in and it turned out they hadn’t all been killed when the exterminated the first time (they’re tough little beasts). They’re pretty much awful. First, go see a dermatologist and see if they think they’re actually bed bug bites (uh, first ask the dermatologist if they’ve seen them before. My brother’s dermatologist incorrectly diagnosed the bites as scabies). And see if you can spot any signs of the actual bugs (google what to look for. I think nyc’s government website has websites devoted to this. And they could, of course, not actually been in your bed but on some other furniture). If you do have them, I’d just call the exterminator. Like I said, they’re really hard to get rid of. I’d leave it to the professionals on this one.
Anon for this
I need advice. I am a young associate at a mid-size firm. I have been the point person on a case going to hearing with two partners since I started. A lateral associate, who started after me, has no prior firm or substative work experience, is now on the case as well. My problem is this: I can’t stand him. He is back-stabbing and meets the definition of pedantic. The parters I work for on the case are giving him more responsibilties (my responsibilities have not decreased in any way). He has done everything possible to edge me out from the case so that he becomes the lead. I’m expected to work one on one with him, and I know from my years of work experience between college and law school that I cannot show my absolute dislike (dare I say “hatred”) for this associate.
Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? I find myself so depressed and obsessed with how the partners interact with him that I am not able to focus clearly on my own work. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.
Former MidLevel
Sorry to hear that. Getting stuck working with jerks is the worst part of BigLaw life. I think the best thing you can do is ignore his interactions with the partners and make sure *you* keep having positive interactions with them. Don’t get caught up in the “who is lead game”; instead focus on demonstrating your value to the team–keep doing great work, become the expert on some part of the case, etc. Best of luck!
a.
First of all, please, for your own sanity, stop obsessing about how the partners interact with him, because you have no control over that.
As far as dealing with hateful co-workers, in my experience, you have to paste on a smile and get the job done. My only real experience with this was with a someone so toxic that he literally told me to “get the f out” of his apartment, when I was invited over by his roommates, who was were all friends of mine (the ahem, f-ed up thing I said to him that merited this exile was “Hello”)–but I had to continue working with him, quite closely a couple of times a week.
This absolutely sucks, but he’s not going anywhere, so you just have to do whatever you need to do, so that your own quality of work doesn’t suffer. For me, it was pasting on a smile, killing him with kindness and understanding, and adding a mental “you &*^*&^, I know everyone else hates you as much as I do because they told me so, they just don’t have the cojones to stand up to you the way I do,” to everything I said to him. But also be your own advocate with your bosses, to make sure that he doesn’t succeed in edging you out. Good luck.
Anon Too
I don’t work in Biglaw but am in a similar situation. The coworker in question has recently been promoted to my supervisor, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that. This person has no practical experience in this area and is expected to direct and manage people who have as much as 20 years of experience. For my own part, I have just decided to document what it is that I end up doing and make sure that I’m not also picking up the slack for the new supervisor. Keep track of exactly who is doing what on the case so he cannot take credit for tasks you’ve been doing.
Zumba?
Has anyone ever tried Zumba? I always think of “dance”-inspired exercise classes as more of a fun thing than a real workout. If I really want to get a good cardio workout/hard sweat, is Zumba worth a try or should I stick with the more intense cardio classes?
January
It really, really depends on the class/instructor. Some will work you harder than others. So try it out! I like Zumba and go regularly, but my general impression is that it doesn’t really compare to, say, a cardio kickboxing class in intensity.
*Formerly known as A Regular Lurker. :)
Bunkster
I got so sweaty in the zumba classes at my current gym that I had to stop going. I go to the gym during my lunch hour.
Now I have zumba disc for wii, instead.
Propecia Attorneys
Great choice on the simple black dress, it is always a classic.
Paul Thomas
Hello! Please remove my comment under the name Propecia Attorney. Thank you!
Classof2011
Unfortunately, this dress is WAY out of my price range, and the sleeves would make it too hot for about 95% of the year where I live.
Threadjack: I would love to pick the “hive” Corporette brain on the townhouse vs. single family home debate…