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Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- Favorite comfy pants for an overnight plane ride?
- I’ve got a nasty case of tech neck…
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What’s the best commuter backpack?
- I’m early 40s and worry my career arc is ending…
- I canNOT figure out the proportions in this current season of fashion…
- How is everyone wearing scarves in 2023?
- What shoes are people wearing to work between boot and sandal season?
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What are some of your go-to outfits that feel current?
- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
Don’t know how I feel about wearing wool in the summer. (In Dallas, TX it’s stifling!) But, I love the wrap effect. So dainty! Reminds me of a tulip. :)
This looks cavewoman-esque to me. Like Wilma Flinstone business wear. I think it is because, at first glance, the skirt looked like it was an animal skin wrapped around the woman.
Not a fan.
I’m with you — I usually love the Monday splurge pieces and often think I might even pay for the splurge, but I am just not a fan of this one.
I agree – it’s a pretty skirt, but *ick!* on the crop suit top.
Agreed! It reminds me of Gretchen’s horrific collection from Project Runway. Blargh!
Such a good comparison.
Sorry for the threadjack right away but:
I need a pair of small huggie style earrings in white gold, with or without stones. Easier said than done – has anyone bought or seen a pair recently? Where? I’m trying to avoid going to department stores…
Try going to a jeweler (not a mall store, but an actual jeweler) – if they have a style you like in another metal they can often have them made in white gold. What city are you in?
I got my favorite pair years ago at a store called Fortunoff. I thought they went out of business, but I just googled it and it appears the store still have a online business. The ones I have are slim white gold with a small diamond in the hoop. Possibly the earring I wear most regularly! I don’t see those online, but they do have these simple ones that might do the trick:
FYI: Haven’t ordered from them now that they’re online only, but when they were a brick & mortar shop, I can say every piece of jewelry I have gotten there has been incredibly great quality.
I have a pearl strand from Fortunoff that is great quality!
Btw, I LOVE this skirt.
Just from a quick bing (and I hate bing but it was helpful for once) search: http://www.sarraf.com/jewelscart2000/store/jewelscart2000_viewItem.asp?idProduct=14432
Can’t say anything about these sellers but I think the earrings are cute.
I recently ordered these at a Stella and Dot party that one of my friends hosted. (I’m not 100% sure if you can order them online, but I think you can):
SF Bay Associate
Blue Nile has hinged earrings in sterling and white gold.
Bluenile. Lots of them.
I’m curious. Why are you trying to avoid department stores? And do you have a budget in mind?
I have been looking for something like this, preferably with pave diamonds or a Tiffany “etoile”-like style. Couldn’t seem to find anything and then I asked a jeweler and he said huggies aren’t “in” right now, so you may have to custom order to get the perfect pair. Although that may sound expensive it’s not really that much more expensive and you get exactly what you want.
I also avoid department stores because the diamonds and other gems are very bad quality but I don’t have a big budget so I do tend to shop around. If you are in a major city, you may want to visit the jewelry “district”, which may just be a building or cluster of stores. You can probably get a good price on something like that.
Amazon (as in the place that sells Kindle).
I got a pair of yellow gold huggies for Christmas, and I am pretty sure they came in white gold too. My husband is one of those guys who buys from Amazon almost exclusively, and I have been pleased with the quality of jewelry from the Amazon collection (for basics–gold and simple gemstone studs, etc).
I have 3 pairs of Charles Garnier hoops and LOVE them. They are so comfortable that I regularly sleep in them. http://charlesgarnier.com/
I’ve seen them at many “non-chain” jewelry stores.
Not the OP, but thanks so much for the link to Charles Garnier. I’m not generally a hoop person, but I’m in love with the organza rhodium hoops and the quilted hoops!
Thanks for the suggestions so far!
I’m in NYC and trying to avoid department stores because they are generally crowded and an unpleasant experience – same goes for the diamond district. I also would prefer to buy in person because I’d like to see them first.
My main criteria is that they have to be very neutral so that I can wear them with most of my “statement” necklaces and can hopefully sleep in them. I’m willing to spend up to $1,000 if I go with diamond ones, but of course much less if without stones.
Cropped tops are already back! I wear them with high-waisted trousers and skirts so just a little sliver of tummy shows. No muffin top worries!
uhh everything you just described is my problem with crop tops. I assure you there would be muffin top worries for me
I really, really hope you are 22 or younger.
SF Bay Associate
No tummy should ever, ever show at work. EVER.
For work, here’s my rule: the shirt needs to be long enough in the front and the back so that no skin shows, even when you raise your arms over your head.
I am currently job-hunting in the nonprofit sector of my city (just graduated college and intend to be here for a while), with substantial internships and a liberal arts degree. Last week, a national non-profit based in my city posted a job opening for the “Assistant to the Executive Director”, requiring more experience than I have, but all of the skills I already possess.
This weekend I inadvertently met someone who is in town for the conference they’re hosting RIGHT NOW. We got to talking about work history and interests, and when I told him about the job opening, he said “Oh, I know her — want me to introduce you?” (!!!)
This afternoon I’m headed to crash the conference (with their permission) to attend the plenary and meet with not only the Executive Director but the person leaving the position. Still feeling a little dazed that this is all happening so fast…
ANY advice would be welcome! What to wear, what to say, how to follow up…
First of all, congratulations! Just to have an ‘in’ is important, so I tend to think you treat it as an interview. It is, in the sense that it is your first impression of them and it’s their first impression of you. But it’s not in the sense that you won’t get to talk to the ED much, since his/her focus is on the conference.
So a suit is appropriate, and if you are concerned you will be overdressed, perhaps a pants suit or slacks, blouse and blazer. Wear comfortable shoes. Sometimes at these things, you might have to walk more than you thought. If you have a bag where you can stash your resume without it getting wrinkled, that’s not a bad idea, but I imagine the focus of the ED is going to be wholly on the conference. While it will be nice to meet him/her, I wouldn’t expect to be able to say much more than, “I’m so pleased Person I Met This Weekend invited me to attend since I’ve been following this group for years. I really enjoyed the session. I hope I get to talk with you again, since I plan on applying for your assistant’s position.” If you can get out this much, I would think SUCCESS! and then meet and try to talk with the current EA for a few minutes. Applaud the EA on his/her efforts too b/c you know he/she put a lot of work into this conference.
Good luck, and keep us posted, Little Lurker.
I agree with all of this, but would also add: be prepared for ANYTHING, including being suddenly invited to a one-on-one lunch to talk about your qualifications. Yes, it’s a very remote possibility, but if anything even close to this happens, you don’t want to be kicking yourself for assuming it wouldn’t.
I interviewed for my current job at 7:30 am, over Skype, on less than 12 hours notice, while on a business trip for something totally unrelated. Seat-of-the-pants! But if you’re ready, you can handle it. You want to be able to go with whatever someone suggests, without looking nervous at all.
I agree with all of this, but also don’t forget to bring a nice copy of your resume (just in case they ask for it) and a business card if you have one!
agree with all the above, plus if you have not yet applied for the position be sure to reference the conference/meeting in your cover letter when you apply
Good luck! Wear a suit or, if you don’t own one, a modest pencil skirt or sheath dress with a cardigan or blazer.
A few options on Etsy:
I don’t like it. I think it’s a combination of the color (too light) and the curves on the flap, which vaguely remind me of an insect’s carapace.
I can’t imagine how this would work on a woman with hips that are significantly larger than her waist.
I really like this skirt, but am wondering how long it is? For someone short (5’4″) I worry it would be mid-calf … not the most flattering length.
I’m 5’4″ and while I haven’t got this skirt, I have had a couple in a similar length. It looked horrible on me length-wise, because it kept hitting all the wrong spots on my legs.
Not a fan of the color. Or the jacket.
The crop top trend is very scary. Lately I’ve been seeing a disturbing amount of it in stores, and on people too. I just want to tell them to put their navel away.
I have mixed feelings about this skirt. I think the wrap skirt design is cute, but fabric, color, etc. I am not sold on.
This is for the poster on Friday who was looking for places on the water for a 3-night girls’ getaway weekend.
Yesterday I had drinks at the newly-renovated Seacrest hotel in Falmouth on Cape Cod. It’s gorgeous and right on the most beautiful beach in the area. We sat at the outdoor bar overlooking the pool and the beach.
Here’s a link:
Oh, I love Falmouth! I miss leaving out east.
I stayed there pre-renovation (last summer actually) with my mother and we had a great time. I like any place where there is a bar on the beach… :-)
That outdoor bar was good. This was is even better – comfortable seats, better selection, etc. I took my dad there for a drink yesterday. My parents’ anniversary is next week so I think we’ll go there for dinner.
By the way, my parents live in the Cliffs, which overlook the Seacrest.
That skirt is UGH.
It makes me think of a giant snack bag (the brown paper bags).
is anyone else eagerly watching the news to see if NY will legalize same sex marriage??? I am so excited that this may actually happen here…
Just wanted to share (because I’m pretty sure my interns were more excited about lunch break than my news): I got a job today! I’m a May 2010 law grad, I’ve been in a state trial level clerkship since August 2010, and I’ve been looking for work preferably as a one-client attorney, or non-practicing in the HR or policy fields. I applied for a job with the state doing HR investigations, reports, and whatnot (JD preferred but not reqd), and after two great interviews, I got the job offer today!
I am not going to be able to get anything done today!
Congratulations, congratulations! That is such awesome news!
Congrats! Good for you! Go treat yourself today!
Threadjack , first of all to thank everyone for their Seattle restaurant suggestions a couple of weeks ago. My trip was this past weekend and we ended up having two really nice meals – the first at Tulio and the second at the Book Bindery. Tulio was a large group dinner – fantastic Italian food, nice atmosphere and great service. Book Bindery was “a deux” and I cannot fault the meal at all, from the amuse bouche to the little chocolate-and-hazelnut macarons that they give you to take home at the end. Seriously. Go there. Everything was lovely but a particular highlight was the dessert – we had a “fluffernutter”, which is a composed dessert that arrived at the table looking for all the world like a peanut butter and banana sandwich with banana milkshake. Fantastic.
Other than that, I would like to say that I have now joined the Classiques Entier fan club and that Sofft shoes are the best (thanks to Nordstrom Rack, I am wearing these today: http://www.sofftshoe.com/Sofft-Fiorella-in-Black-color).
Hello! I think there was a controversial article about part time primary care physicians discussed last week, but I can’t seem to find it. Does this ring a bell for anyone? Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?
It was an op-ed in the NYT:
I love the skirt, but think it is lame without the top. I think the total outfit is adorable, but only for the very young. And I mean VERY. And never for work. You might see an outfit like this somewhere where there is a lot of money and a very moderate climate – like let’s say Mexico City.
My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer late this winter (early this spring), which for those of you who do not know has a very low survival rate. (My mother died of cancer when I was 14.)
Since the time of diagnosis, I moved to a new city (because my husband was unable to get an academic medical job in our prior city). I have recently started at a new BigLaw firm, and I am studying for yet another bar exam in the evenings. So, without my dad’s health issues, I would already be stressed.
My dad was scheduled to have surgery on Friday to resect the tumor, which is the only way to save his life. I was going to not go- since many other family members were going and I have a lot going on right now. However, over the weekend, my dad had some serious health issues, and as of this morning, it appears that the cancer has spread to his stomach lining.
They still are going to do the surgery (if for no other reason to remove the stomach blockage), but regardless, it has become even more complicated and risky. As the health care power of attorney, I decided that I should definitely go. So, I went to discuss the ability to with my new department head (who I have never worked with in my 3 short weeks at the firm), and I burst into tears.
My day has sucked.
Please, please cut yourself some slack. And, I’m sorry for what you are going through.
I am so sorry! If your new department head does not understand why this might be an emotional time for you, he or she sucks!
You are right to be there for your dad.
I am SO sorry you are going through this (no advice, just sympathy). BIG hugs to you.
I am so sorry to hear this! My grandfather was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer, and it has been a very difficult time for us, even though it was stage 1. I could not imagine going through what your family is experiencing.
My grandmother had heart problems last summer when I was a SA, and she nearly died. Since I am incredibly close to her, I wanted so badly to be there. I went into a partner’s office to see if I could take off the rest of the day, and I bawled, despite my best attempts to hold back tears. Please do not feel bad about crying. Given the circumstances, it is to be expected that you would be so distraught. You only have one father, and you will probably have a multitude of jobs before you retire. Your father needs you there, and your department head should understand. I hope that the surgery goes well, and that you and your family are able to find some peace.
Yes. It has totally sucked.
Hang in there. You are walking a truly awful road. You are right to be with your father for this operation. If your career suffers for it, in the long run, you should not regret it.
I just feel really sad for you.
I’m so sorry. As I have mentioned a few times on this forum, my Dad died of cancer a few years ago. It was horrible, and I did have a hard time getting any understanding or “slack” at work. I wish I could tell you to just trust that people will come through for you, but sometimes they don’t. I even had one superior lecture me and a colleague, both, about how our parents’ illnesses/deaths should have no impact on our schedules or performance.
My advice is to disclose the situation to anyone you are comfortable telling and/or need to tell. See who your allies are, and work with those people (to whatever extent is possible) toward a solution. The real gems will go to bat on your behalf, and take the heat from people who don’t get it. I’d do it for you now if I could. Hugs.
SO sorry to hear what you and your family are going through… and I am sure your new supervisor is too. I had a similar issue a few weeks into starting a new job (my young daughter was unexpectedly hospitalized for an undiagnosed ailment in the middle of a school day – I took off suddenly in the middle of the day after leaving a hasty message and wasnt’ seen again for two weeks or so (though I did call in periodically and answer voice mails); the company was great about it and the general attitude was “hey, better now before you’re in the middle of five thousand things, don’t worry about us and focus on your family” and that’s my advice to you.
No advice, just a hug! So sorry you are dealing with — it’s frustrating when you can’t contain your emotions at work, but this is one of those situations where I think any rational person (and anyone with a soul) would not fault you for it. I hope your father’s surgery goes well and his health improves!
hmmm I’m missing words here. *dealing with this, and *I DON’T think any rational person would fault you.
Just want to say hugs and hang in there. I’m so sorry.
Just wanted to say I have been there, and I would encourage you to do what you are doing – go be with your dad and your family. That is SO much more important than work, bar exam, etc. ALL of that can be put off. *big hugs* I am so sorry.
After the baby-related thread last week, I had kind of a freak-out/meltdown about whether I’ll ever have the chance to have children.
I’m 32 and single. I live in NYC and find the dating scene pretty impossible and while I’ve had a few short relationships in recent years, I haven’t found anyone that I’ve really connected with in what seems like an eternity.
I realize that pregnancy is riskier after 35, but how likely is it for me to have trouble at this point? At 32, even if I meet someone tomorrow, get engaged in a year, and married a year later, I’ll be 34 before I even get started–which would be fine if I met that guy tomorrow. But what if it takes two more years (or more) to meet someone? Then what?
I’m also interested in adopting children some day but I guess I don’t want to think that the option of having my own biological children will be foreclosed to me so soon. And the cost of abortion (as well as IVF treatment) seems prohibitive.
Do any of our wise women who have gone through these issues/fears give some advice or comfort?
I had a freak out after that thread too! I’m 33 1/2 and in a serious relationship, but we’re not planning to get married for another year, and after that I would like to be married for at least a little while before trying to have kids. I did the math and unless I got knocked up next March (six months before we’re planning to get married), there’s no way I can avoid being 35+ when I have a kid, which sounded like Fertility Doomsday last week.
What calmed me down was remembering that I really like my life right now. I’ve worked hard and gone through some hard times to get to where I am in my career and in my personal life. I have a great apartment, a wonderful job, a city that I love, good friends, a happy dog, and a really full life. I would like to have kids, but I’m pretty sure that I would also like the alternative life that I would have if I can’t have kids.
On bat girl’s behalf, I’m guessing she meant to say “the cost of adoption,” not the cost of abortion :)
Oops, yes, I meant adoption!
I’m really sorry you freaked out, Batgirl. I haven’t experienced this but nearly every woman in my family has so I understand (although not personally) how difficult this can be. I didn’t mean to be such a cold realist last week because you actually have a really decent chance of getting pregnant and having a totally uneventful pregnancy well into your late 30s and early 40s:
What’s frustrating about pregnancy is that you really have no idea how difficult or easy it will be until you start trying. You might get pregant as easily as a teenager does now and several years from now. I’m the same age as you and am perhaps delusional about this, but 32 is not old! Many, many women do not have problems with fertility — ever — and I hope you’re one of them.
Yes, the risks do go up after 35, but it’s a statistical risk. It is also statistically more difficult to get pregnant as one gets older, but statistics are not destiny. Those numbers reflect the indicence of occurence over a large population and should not be taken to mean “chances of suchandsuch happening to me”.
I have a good friend who had her 1st baby at 37 and recently had an “oops” pregnancy at 41 or 42. Oh, and she is high-risk because of high blood pressure in addition to being over 35.
All the cautionary tales out there about the over 35 thing are a backlash against the notion that many women had in the 80s that we should focus on our careers first and families later, and then were disillusioned to realize at age 40-something that their fertility just wasn’t what it would have been in their 20s. Unfortunately there just isn’t a good answer about the timing of having a family and balancing a career. There are so many unknowns. IMHO, our work culture and overall culture really needs to change to accomodate this.
I am struggling with this as well – divorced right before my 30th birthday, and I’m barely starting to date again (9 months later). I’m terrified of this all of the time – that I won’t remarry in time to have children biologically (or ever, but that’s more of middle-of-the-night, “no one will ever love me again”, merlot and Pride & Prejudice-induced nonrational meltdown).
When I got divorced, I told my ex-husband that one of the things that made me angry was that I felt like he’d essentially robbed me of X number of years of my fertile life – I’d wanted to have children, he hadn’t been ready, and then it turned out he wasn’t really interested in being married. And he told me that I shouldn’t worry because “you could always adopt, or whatever” (by which he meant, presumably, I could have fertility treatments). It took me a long time to figure out why that angered me so much, and then I realized that it’s because he was brushing off my feelings about my declining fertility as insignificant. They’re not: it’s both natural and normal, if you’re a woman who wants children, to worry about this.
Also struggling. 31.5, relationship of 3 years is rocky, and I’m terrified that I’m going to end up alone with a houseful of dogs, cats, and regrets.
If it makes you feel any better, I had babies at ages 36 and 37. My sisters had their last babies at ages 41 and 43. All of these babies are genetically normal and healthy. :)
and to cbackson – I divorced at age 33, remarried at age 35 and had the the two babies I mention at ages 36 & 37.
Actually, I’m headed out to have lunch with the two babies right now!
I don’t have much advice but I can say that I am in the same boat. I am 32 and single and the dating scene in my area is dismal at best. I feel like time is running out and I am running out of options. All my girlfriends but one are coupled up. I have tapped out my friends of friends. I have asked my coworkers to set me up on blind dates. I have gone on blind dates set up by my mother. I have tried online dating. I decided to try the professional matchmaker. If that does not work then at least I can say I tried everything I could think of.
Party's over, oops, out of time.
Me too. I’m pretty close to accepting it’s just not going to happen because the timeline is so compressed now. Age 32 (almost 33) – to meet someone, date them a while, get engaged, get married, enjoy being married?
Here’s the other catch – I’m a “mostly single” person (as opposed to people who live most of their lives coupled). I’m so overdue for that 1 on 1 love and attention I couldn’t jump right into having a baby. I know I’d resent having to share too quickly.
is dating actually that bad in NYC? i am not trying to discount what you’re saying because i’ve heard this a couple of times. it seems odd since NYC is so big, but what is it about NYC that makes dating hard??
i’ve always assumed a big city = great dating prospects. enlighten me please! i’ve had fantasies of moving to nyc :)
I think it’s hard because the bigger the pool, the more people hold out for something better. That sounds horrible and I don’t think people should settle, but you get a lot of guys who want to date forever b/c they can. It’s also hard to meet people because people tend to stick in their own groups, I think. Especially as you get older. I don’t meet many new people and if you don’t act fast, the people you do meet are unlikely to cross your paths again. That said, it may just be me–not NY!
Others can chime in with their experiences, but one reason that dating in NYC is so difficult is that people work really, really hard. Long hours, intense work environments, the works. Dates are hard to set up and get cancelled at the last minute. It’s like the post from a few weeks ago about how to date someone who is very busy, times a thousand.
I also know quite a few men in New York who have just settled into a life of dating and dating for years. They just settle into a pattern of online dating, a few first dates, and then moving on. Kind of a “disposable people” attitude. I’m sure that’s a phenomenon in most cities, but it seems particularly pronounced in New York.
Just another message to say: all hope is not lost if you want kids. Met my hsuband at 34, married at 36. Have two beautiful, healthy children (from routine pregnancies) at 37 and 39. I know it is hard to love your life when it is not going in the direction you are certain you want, because I was there for years. This is just my experience, but: try your best to make your life what you want it to be in every aspect you can control. I think you increase your odds of being open to the right relationship when you are generally content, and not miserable. Lots of us have married and had kids “late”!
I’m 30 and have some of the same issues/fears, but my best friend at work had her first child at 34 with no fertility assistance and pretty soon after starting to try. She and her husband had originally said they would never have kids and had been married for like 7 years before they changed their minds. Then they decided to go for a second kid when she was 36 and again got pregnant almost right away with no help and she is now pregnant with identical twins due in August. Gestational diabetes was the only “complication” of either pregnancy so far and she says probably helped me eat more balance healthy meals than she might otherwise have done.
I just try to tell myself you never really know what will happen and I’m probably going to miss out on some great opportunities if I’m sitting around lamenting my lost fertility. Time to get out there and date and see what happens.
Definitely understand this feeling (both the NYC thing and the baby thing!). FWTW, my thoughts on both:
1) Try not to see it as such a goal-oriented, dating -> marriage -> baby process. (I know that goes against a lot of Type A instincts.) Dating works best when you can relax and be in the moment, even if the moment involves drinks with someone who turns out to be Definitely Not Right. So what. Laugh, exchange a few funny stories, enjoy the bar scene and go home. Stay loose and relaxed and don’t sweat it over any individual guy until they show definitive signs that they might be worth it. Don’t let a depressing string of first dates let you down, either. Believe that this phase of your life will not last forever, and someday you will have to spend Thursday nights in worse places than a wine bar (like in carpools for piano lessons or something). Worst case scenario, you’ve got another story for your girlfriends (and grandkids). And besides, it gets easier (and more fun) with practice. The biggest irony for me was that once I finally learned to enjoy dating, I met the right guy and stopped dating.
Aside from saving your sanity, this approach is important because guys can smell the “OMG I’m 30+ and need to have kids” fears from miles away. Generally doesn’t work in your favor.
2) Resist the temptation of deciding that Mr. Three Dates is The One, turning down other potential dating opportunities, and generally getting way ahead of yourself, mentally and emotionally. Don’t date exclusively, as people call it, unless you’re sure that you’re both on the same page about dating exclusively. A LOT of drama is caused by women simply having very different expectations than their dates, and one great way to mitigate this is to just go on dates with multiple people and spread the energy around. It’s harder to obsess about a guy when there are two or three of them.
3) Not that finding three datable guys (or even one!) is so easy, of course. And NYC is tough for all kinds of reasons. Online is a great way to just up the numbers, and the rules for online dating are already outlined above: relax and don’t obsess over any individual person. Yes, you have to proactively reach out and email/message people. No, don’t think twice about those who don’t email/message you back (and there will be many). Just aim to go on a number of reasonable dates and see what’s out there.
4) The fertility thing is just a statistic, and lots of women have healthy babies after 35. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence of this, and if statistics freak you out, don’t read them. Go take a walk in the park instead and look at all the new moms who are definitely pushing their late 30s or older. Statistics be damned. They’re right there, in the flesh, wiping up baby spit. That can be you, too, if you so desire.
Finally, 5) babies and families are formed in all kinds of surprising ways. I remember reading an article on fertility a long time ago, it interviewed a bunch of fertility doctors, women who had had babies naturally and otherwise, adoptive parents … the one thing that struck home with me was the conviction that every mother — however she had had her baby (i.e. biological, adopted, surrogate, sperm donor, IVF, whatever), had: she was utterly convinced that the baby she wound up with, was the one she was meant to have. That really stuck with me. If you really want a baby, you can have one, in one way or another; you’ll love that baby as much as you possibly can; and it’s probably not going to matter to you how you had it.
Good luck to everyone.
Do you have any advice on learning to like the one who likes you? My problem has never been that I obsess after the third date. My problem always seems to be that Mr. Second Date likes me and wants to be my Mr. Every Night right away. Whatever happened to getting to know someone without jumping right into a relationship? On the other hand, if I could learn to like Mr. Second Date I could be in a relationship right now.
Without knowing the specifics of your situation, but speaking generally here …
Let’s start with what you’re reacting to, vs. what’s actually important to you, which for many women are pretty different things. A lot of the former tends to be influenced by daydreams and Hollywood and magazines and the media in general (e.g. “He’s too short” “he wears weird shirts”. “He never reads books” etc) For the latter category I would reference good solid relationships and friendships you’ve been exposed to or have in your life right now, and the things that make them work. (Reason: I think the ideal relationship is basically when you’re best friends and also happen to be sexually attracted to each other.). Maybe your parents have a great marriage, or your aunt or your old boss or whatever. Maybe you have a great platonic friendship. Anyway, this list probably includes things like integrity, trust, maturity, sense of humor, selflessness, respect, etc etc.
Now try and think of your guy in terms of the 2nd filter instead of the 1st. Maybe that will help. If you can’t get yourself to value the 2nd category over the first, then maybe what you want isn’t a relationship, but some plain and simple excitement/sex/urban romance. Which is fine too!
The only other thing I point out is that appreciation of your great qualities (assuming these guys aren’t just desperate) is obviously terrific and something to appreciate — don’t fall into the absurd habit of only finding the unattainable guys desirable. Don’t guilt yourself into a relationship either, however.
I think the problem is that I do not have any opportunities to get to know a guy before going on a date with him. There are no available men that I know of in my field of work or circle of friends. I have been trying to make new friends but this is a slow process.
Thus I am pretty much restricted to blind dating. With blind dating I have to make the decision whether to really date a guy after just two dates (they always get at least two). If I could spend some time getting to know someone first I might grow into an attraction for a guy I would otherwise reject based on superficial attributes. But I have no way of knowing who that guy is before getting to know him.
All the relationship qualities I truly value need time to develop. Unfortunately if I don’t even feel the barest glimmer of attraction at first there is nothing to keep me interested.
I believe I will meet the person who is right for me someday. What is so distressing is that I want that someday to be during my last few remaining child-bearing years. I do not want to wait until I am 50 to meet that special someone. I am too pragmatic to believe that I will be the outlier who has a natural child at 45. I hope to be, but the statistics are stark and I do not want to take that chance.
Also, I overanalyze my situation. Maybe that is the worst part of it all. Thanks for your encouragement!
Hm. Maybe I’m oversimplifying here, but I wouldn’t get too caught up on the number of dates and making a decision about a guy after date # 2 or 3 or whatever. Dating is all about getting to know someone, so the standard operating procedure is indeed to spend the first 5-10 or n dates gradually getting to know someone better (and then deciding not to go on the n+1 date if things start not seeming so great). There isn’t a specific line or number beyond which you’re In A Relationship (although a lot of guys will expect sex at a certain point, but that’s another story), so don’t give yourself pressure to make a decision at such an early stage. If the guy wants to hang out with you more and more, great, but still, don’t feel pressured into moving faster than you want to.
I guess my advice, other than to stop over-analyzing, would be to spend the dates doing fun stuff you like – taking a hike together, checking out cool restaurants, bowling, whatever – that way you’ll enjoy the dates themselves, you know, part of being young and free etc — not just see them as Opportunity # 2 To Find Out If Jeff Is Relationship Material Or Not. As long as you’re enjoying the dates themselves, as getting to know the person better and not finding anything objectionable, go ahead and keep going on them – and keep dating other people as well, and make sure the guys are aware of this – until you like someone enough to actually commit to dating them exclusively. Then maybe you can start calling it a relationship.
Well anyway. Probably more advice than you need or want but best wishes to you and everyone else!
@lawtalkinggirl–I just want to say that I have the same problem. I have done a lot of online dating in the past few years and it’s too high-pressured for me. I feel like I need to decide in the first two dates if I want to pursue something–typically because after that, the expectation of getting physical (and I mean just kissing!) grows and I am not someone who likes to even kiss a guy I’m not into. It feels so high stress! So much so that I kind of forced a relationship in recent months (which I have since ended) because I wondered if I was just creating my hesitation. I was not–lovely guy, felt horrible the entire relationship. I just wasn’t into him. I couldn’t fake it.
Not sure what the solution is, but I’m taking a little break from online dating and trying to just get out there, be open to guys I meet in real life, and be active in my community.
Exactly. Usually at the end of the second date they zoom in for the kiss and then I cannot hide my revulsion. Ugh!
This was so great, and point 5 was particularly lovely. Thanks for this.
And thanks to everyone above–seriously reassuring, thanks.
Let me give an encouraging example to balance all the scary ones…. Friend had 2 babies with no intervention between 37 and 40. It’s possible. Screw the stats…just stay positive.
doo doo do doo...
agreed — i’m 34 and pregnant now even though the timing really stinks for me, and EVERY older woman i know has LAUGHED that i felt such stress to get pregnant now — everyone has said that everyone they know had babies well into their 40s with very little problems.
keep in mind also, i met my husband when i was 31 — and he was 28 when i met him. in NYC! I was VERY forthright when we got serious that I had a specific timeline in mind. he laughed it off for a while but finally came around.
Hang in there and never give up hope — it’ll happen when it happens, and just try to enjoy the life you have right now. Hugs to you.
Thanks! I love this little corporette community–I knew you guys would make me feel better! I don’t typically freak out about this sort of thing, but I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend and realized how important they are to me and how much I want to have my own little ones someday.
I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I wish you the best.
Tears have an unfairly bad reputation, because sometimes people cry about frivolous things. Tears over something frivolous are out of place at work. Tears over a parent’s cancer are not.
This. If someone in Sad’s situation did not cry, I would be shocked. My sympathies, hugs and prayers to Sad.
It’s nice to see a skirt with a decoration that is not a ruffle. I’m not a fan of this particular skirt (something about the fabric doesn’t appeal to me) but I love the idea of the wavy wrap.
I understand why the cropped top – to show the waist buckle. But you could achieve the same effect by tucking.
Love it! Can’t afford it, but love it.
Quick funny/frustrating story. I got a new computer at work a month ago and IT set it up for me with all my old settings. I did not realize until today, the clock on it was set 8 minutes slow. Earlier this month I remember a partner tapping his foot outside my office asking “are you ready yet??” I’m the type of person that likes to be early for things so I was annoyed that he was acting like I was late when I had 10 minutes or so to spare (according to my computer) before it was time to go. I had a lunch meeting today with my practice group and got a call from a colleague “hurry up, everyone is here just waiting for you!” I couldn’t believe it, again, I thought I had 10 mins to spare. Well it dawned on me to check my cell phone and sure enough, my computer clock was off! I have no idea how many things I have been late to this month and just thought “wow, everyone got here early.” Hopefully it hasn’t done too much damage to my reputation! Now everyone check your clocks!
In my office, everyone’s computer clock and phone clock is set from a central clock, so everyone’s clocks are the same. The only problem is that the phone clocks are consistently 3 minutes faster than the computer ones (and, objectively, 3 minutes fast). Oh, and my boss is a stickler for punctuality and he always looks at the phone clock in a conference room to judge whether everyone else is late.
I have a very close friend who is going through a difficult time – in fact, she always seems to be going through a difficult time, lately despite having a job that she loves (though she swears it makes her beyond stressed), a loving husband (who she is very hard on and this is causing problems), a close, supportive family, and good friends (who she is in the process of pushing away because she feels as though some of her “hard time” has been caused by these friends and related “drama”). She had a meltdown this weekend and I am going to see her tonight, just her and I. She asks me to lend an ear and a shoulder very often and asks my perspective on things frequently. If she asks for my perspective tonight, I feel like I have to be honest with her and tell her that I think she is externalizing this “hard time” when in reality, she needs to see that many of the things she believes are hurting her are self-created. The women in our group of friends are hurt by her anger toward them and her husband (though I have not spoken with him directly) seems to be at a loss with how to treat her on a daily basis to avoid a fight or meltdown. I do not know what to do. I love her dearly and want to see her happy, and I cannot imagine not having her in my life because we are quite close, but I am tired of all the negativity and blaming. Speak up or shut up?
SF Bay Associate
It sounds to me like your friend is depressed, especially your comment that she’s “always going through a difficult time” and is in a “self-created” prison. Depression doesn’t always manifest itself in quiet sadness and crying like in the commercials. Sometimes it manifests via irritability, anxiety, and pushing everyone away, especially when from an objective perspective, she “should” be happy – good job, good friends, good husband, good family. So, not only does she feel awful, but she has no idea why, and it sounds like she has felt this way for years.
Be a good friend and instead of blaming her right off the bat, bring a depression diagnostic checklist with you (it’s standardized – any health provider or reputable website will have it) and offer to quiz her. I suspect you’ll both be surprised to find that she is medically depressed. She seems to lack the tools to deal with her life right now, regardless of how great it looks from the outside. Help her find a therapist or make an appointment for her to see her doctor.
Thanks for the reply. I think that I have been *so* close to her lately, that depression didn’t even occur to me. I looked up some of the checklists and I think that I am going to bring it with me tonight. It hurts me to see her hurting and hurting other people, especially, as you say, when she can’t figure out why she feels that way. My only fear is that if I bring it up, she will push me away for suggesting that the way she feels is coming from within as opposed to from the sources to which she attributes her feelings. I can’t see her like this anymore, though, so I have to at least try. Thank you.
I can’t thank my two best friends enough for sticking with me through depression. If that is in fact her issue and you are supportive while she gets treatment, she will be forever grateful. However, I have also broken up with friends who refused to either do anything about their depression or were people who just liked to be unhappy/complain. You have to do what is best for you, but if she is depressed, she could really use a friend to encourage her to get help.
Please don’t abandon her or make comments about her negativity. I was in your friend’s spot a few years ago as a combined result of a bad reaction to a medication and seasonal affective disorder. I had a few friends tell me they couldn’t take the negativity anymore and I lost one friend permanently. As SF Bay Associate mentioned, depression manifests itself in different ways. It’s a chemical imbalance and it’s not fair to blame your friend for being negative when it’s possible that she’s at a loss as to why this is happening to her.
Now I am more aware of the SAD and can prepare for it, but with the bad medicine reaction, it really was a scary time for me. I needed friends who could support me, not friends who would abandon me.
I would never abandon her because of her negativity, nor do I blame her, now that I see what the root of the problem is likely to be. For various reasons, we see each other nearly daily. We are practically family. I want her to be healthy and happy and that’s all.
I am pretty nervous to see her tonight, though. I wasn’t here when she had the meltdown this weekend and I felt like I could have helped better if I had been able to be.
Speak up! She needs you to be honest with her, and if she is pushing everyone away, you may be doing her a huge favor! Tell us how it went tomorrow.