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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Amara Blazer

professional young woman wears a teal green blazer with a textured fabric; she has her arms crossed

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m absolutely swooning over this stunning single-button blazer from Hobbs. The jade color, the gold buttons, the perfect tailoring? What a dream. I would wear this with a crisp black-and-white outfit to really let the color of the blazer stand out, but it would also look lovely with navy, camel, or gray.

The blazer is $262.50, marked down from $375, at Bloomingdale’s and Hobbs. It comes in sizes 2-14.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

269 Comments

  1. Advice for getting out of a fitted dress where the fabric of the lining has been caught in the zipper up around the shoulder area? There is a bit of wiggle room up in the shoulder area but not enough to get the dress off without unzipping it. It is fine now but at the end of the day it will be come to Jesus time. Come at me with all advice, folk help, prayers. I have fabric shears, a seam ripper, and hope maybe the worst is that the lining has to be cut (vs the outer fabric) and can be mended.it is a Monday.

    1. Have a friend take as large of a needle (smallish tapestry needles seem to be my go-to for this sort of thing) as will fit and work the fabric out of the zipper. They’ll have to wiggle and play with it a bit, but I doubt it’ll come to cutting it.
      Any chance you can contort enough to get the dress off over your head, or a fried can get it off if you put your hands straight up, palms together, and *they* take the dress up over your head?
      Good luck!

      1. I let my roommate borrow the dress for a headshot. So I can help but OMG did not envision this as a risk at all. Deep breaths, no?

        1. I’m the 9:17 Anon and I promise you that with patience and a bit of persistence, you/she can get this done without damage. I’m only good at it because of a pair of ancient running tights with the same zipper prob that are so comfy I just accept it as the price of admission.

    2. Get someone to help with the zipper. You can usually undo the catch but you’ll need help since it sounds like you’re wearing it.

    3. I’ve had this happen. I needed a second person to move the zipper enough to get out of the dress. It took awhile.

    4. If you live alone, I’d get someone at work to help before you leave for the day.

    6. It’s a lot easier to unzip a zipper with fabric caught in it if you release all tension on the zipper and fabric by holding the garment away from the body. Then close the zipper to a spot above the caught fabric and slowly unzip and extricate the fabric. When you can’t go any further, zip the zipper back up a ways and start again.

  2. Looking for an amazing coffee grinder and expresso machine. I tried the aeropress and a Nespresso and the coffee just isn’t doing it for me.. I want coffee shop quality lattes. Any recommendations?

    1. I have a Jura Piano E8 – which is wicked expensive! but we’re an espresso household and it’s incredible. easy to use, easy to clean (it actually tells me when to clean it) and it’s very automated. Makes both coffee and espresso drinks with the touch of buttons

      1. Second Jura. I have the most basic one and a separate milk frother (it was still expensive though). It makes great coffee and is easy to use and clean.

    2. I use the Baratza Encore as my grinder and the Breville Infuser for espresso/frothing and I’m very happy with both. They’re an upfront investment but I’ve had then each for 5 years now with no issues.

      I think the grinder matters more than the espresso maker though fwiw, so if you want to start small I’d get just the grinder and see how you feel. At this level, the quality of the beans you use is important too. I buy mine from a local coffee roaster (some coffee shops are roasters – they’ll usually have roaster’ in their name). Your beans should have been roasted within just a few days of you buying them.

    3. Gaggia Anima Prestige. I have had a superautomatic espresso maker for over 15 years. These machines have a built in grinder. One thing to know is that the machines require some maintenance and regular cleanings. I personally have stopped frothing milk because the clean up was too much. I’m fine with excellent espresso in microwaved millk. My advice is to focus on the grinder and psi of the press, and don’t worry about the fancy milk frothing. It’s the quality of the coffee that makes the difference. And get good beans! I get Intelligenstia Black Cat Espresso Beans

    4. My husband and I have a Gaggia Classic Pro and use it every single day to make lattes, paired with a Breville Smart Grinder. We did our research and found the Gaggia was the least expensive of highly rated espresso machines, though there’s definitely a learning curve. But you can do it with the help of YouTube! Also recommend the website Whole Latte Love to compare machines.

    6. We have a Rocket Appartamento and it’s amazing. It was about $1500 more than I thought DH was going to spend when I said “sure go get a new coffee maker honey” but it has completely replaced my coffee shop latte habit.

    7. I have a Capresso Infinity Burr Grinder and a reconditioned Gaggia Baby pressurized portafilter espresso maker. I froth milk separately so it’s not one of those all-in-ones but what I appreciate about my setup is that it can all be repaired and I’m not throwing out a $$$ automatic when one component goes.

      1. that reminds me, DH as a coffee snob swears by burr grinders over blade grinders. I am not as picky, but freshly ground coffee is the way to go.

  3. My nutritionist has recommended that I am for 400-500 calories for my breakfast. I normally eat a Siggis yogurt or something similarly small, so this is a big change for me. Looking for healthy but hearty breakfast recipes or recommendations!

    I eat breakfast at work, so I prefer something that is easy to prep in advance. I don’t want to have to spend much time getting it together in the morning. I don’t love eggs, I can eat them with cheese and other things mixed in so I could do a frittata or something, but I don’t like them enough to do a frittata every week.

    As much as I would love a gooey, icing smothered cinnamon roll to hit my 400+ calorie goal, I know that that’s not a practical or healthy choice :)

    1. Superhero muffins! High in protein and they freeze very well. If you take one out of the freezer first thing in the morning it will defrost in a couple of hours. I like the original carrot/zucchini and the carrot/apple variations best.

    2. Take your yogurt if that’s what you like. Okay, now you’re going to add hemp hearts, chia seeds, and a sprinkle of pumpkin seeds on top. Add a banana on the side and you’re there.

      Alternately, sprouted grain toast with avocado, tomato, everything but the bagel seasoning.

      1. +1. Eat what you like, OP!

        If you’re flexible on yogurt type, Chobani makes this kind in a dark navy container which has 25 g protein per serving. I live off the stuff.

      2. Amped up yogurt sounds delicious. Maybe hard boiled eggs on the side for protein if necessary.

    3. When I had a similar goal, with a recommendation to make sure I got in some protein at breakfast as well, one of my go-tos was a shake made of a banana, scoop of vanilla protein powder, 2% milk, 3 dates, and cacao nibs. It’s about 400-450 calories, includes a good amount of protein, fiber, and calcium; and tastes like a treat. You can also add cold coffee to make it kind of a mocha flavor.

      1. If you want to go this direction, note that you can get unflavored protein powder if, like me, you find the sweetened and flavored stuff unpalatable. I mention this because of your taste for Siggi’s, which suggests you may not like saccharine sweet things like most protein powders tend to be.

        1. I like powdered peanut butter in lieu of protein powder. It’s great in a banana smoothie.

          1. That’ll be a higher fat:protein ratio than the OP might want, though, right? — something to watch.

    4. Add overnight oats to your yogurt. Top with some chopped nuts and fruit for extra calories, nutrition, and satiety.

      1. By this I mean eat overnight oats, also, not that you should dump them into your yogurt. I don’t think that would be good.

    7. I’ll evangelize my new morning breakfast – I cook down berries or apples with a tiny bit of sugar and spices until they’re the texture of a compote and store them in the fridge. In the morning the fruit gets heated up in the microwave for 10-15 seconds, and topped with low-fat yogurt and a sprinkle of granola. To meet your caloric needs I’d add more granola and some seeds (or a drizzle of caramel sauce!) and make sure the yogurt is full fat.

      2. Oh that sounds delicious. And probably your berries last longer this way than if you leave them fresh.

        1. It also works with frozen berries, which can be cheaper and better quality than fresh depending on the season.

      3. Oh I love this idea! I will add to either yogurt or oatmeal + other toppings. This sounds so good.

    9. Did your nutritionist give any guidance on what kind of energy you should be aiming for with those 400 calories? Is it more protein or do they think you need some carbohydrates or fats for the morning? I think you’ll get better suggestions if you give us a category!

      If you are looking to change it up, though, I would try for a home made breakfast sandwich like avocado toast or an english muffin layered with sliced turkey or french country ham with cheese and vegetables. If you wrap your toasted sandwich in tinfoil it should still be hot when you get to work. Or you could just have a banana and a mini Luna bar with your Siggi’s and reach the allotted calories that way, as bananas have a lot of calories.

      1. Sorry – should have added that I’m aiming for at least 20g of protein too. I used to eat a lot of oatmeal but due to my glucose levels, we’re avoiding that in the morning.

    10. I often eat a lot of non-breakfast foods for breakfast. Don’t be afraid to eat non-traditional things in the morning! I love big salads for breakfast with hardboiled eggs, avocado, etc. to up the protein and fat. I just had 2 big slices of swiss rolled up with roast turkey plus some dried fruit for breakfast this morning. Leftovers are great too.

      1. +1 I always love European style breakfasts when I’m there but never think to make them at home. Deli meat, some cheese, and some crunchy veggies for breakfast sounds yummy!

        1. So my kids’ favorite breakfast is a slice of toast (they happily eat sprouted grain), a little mayo, and some deli turkey (I get the Applegate farms smoked kind). Adults in our house swap the mayo out for avocado.

          (In my house it’s called ‘Mommy’s Secret Recipe’…)

    11. If you’re OK with breaking out of the traditional-breakfast-foods mold, then you have all the options for eating anything that you’d eat for lunch or dinner: a sandwich or salad. Soup. Cheese, nuts, and hearty bread. Yesterday’s leftovers.

    12. Just switch to liberte La Mediterranee yogurt. One small one is 200 cal so just eat two those. Eat an hour apart if you can’t eat both at once.

      1. Where do you buy this? I’m a pretty avid yogurt eater and have never seen this yogurt in stores.

        1. I’m in Canada and just assumed it was available in the US because
          We usually have less selection not more.

        2. A little over a decade ago, this was available at Whole Foods in Charlottesville, VA. I haven’t lived there in awhile, so I don’t know if it’s still there.

        1. I posted before she commented about the protein. They have a Greek line which is what I actually it – it has 16 g of protein in the 2% plain version

    13. Make a nice big bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, honey, fruit, nuts, and hemp hearts. Add your vanilla yogurt or a bit of whipped cream, too.

    14. Toast or bread with peanut butter, or overnight oats with peanut butter.

      Sugar and cream in your coffee or tea.

    17. Google the Fab 5 protein smoothie recipes. There are a bunch of ideas, and they should all fit within the calorie/protein requirements. My favorite Fab 5 is 2 cups Almond Milk, 2 scoops Orgain Vanilla Protein (1 serving), Giant bunch of frozen kale or spinach, 1/2 frozen banana, 1 tbsp. almond butter. I occasionally add chia, flax seeds, or oatmeal. Cheers.

    18. I’m not a huge breakfast lover but I really like this … I roast some sweet potatoes ahead of time. I slice up breakfast sausage, brown it, add the sweet potatoes, then mix in some chopped kale. It’s sweet, savory, healthy.

  4. Is anyone here a member of Chief and can tell me about the benefits and what’s behind the hype? It seems every day I see another post in my LinkedIn feed about some former coworker or classmate becoming a Chief member.

    I looked into membership and it’s for women at the VP level and above; I’m a Director so realistically ~5 years out from joining if my career stays on the same trajectory. Have to admit it looks enticing and it’s a reminder that I’m not as far in my career as I could be right now, but I’m not sure if it’s marketing hype or if the membership has some tangible benefits.

    1. I thought we were getting away from chief as a moniker for anything. But yes — all over my LinkedIn feeds and, I will say, with the sort of person who posts stuff just to post stuff.

      2. Agreed. But I just fundamentally have a problem with anything in this day and age that is new and decided to use the name chief, so I may be biased

      3. What’s wrong with the term chief? For the network though, I think it would probably take a year or two to see if people are still enrolling once they have to pony up their own leadership development dollars.

          1. Isn’t the point of this place to interact with others? We could all google everything instead of coming here. For what it’s worth though I don’t follow sports so maybe I missed out on some controversy. I was hoping someone could shed some light.

      4. I am not conceding that because some limited uses of the term “chief” were problematic that the word is off-limits forever in all uses. Just ridiculous. Chief in this case is very clearly a reference to c-suite jobs, and that usage has nothing to do with the use of that term in reference to indigenous leaders.

        1. This is one of those words (like “shyster”) that certain segments of the population have decided is problematic without concern for etymology.

          The root of the word is French and it long predates European contact with North America but because it was used to refer to the leader of an Indian tribe people have decided it should not be used in any context because it might be offensive to Native Americans. (Of interest it has the same root word as “chef”).

          Hysterically, a number of Indian tribes use the term “chief” to refer to their executives.

    2. I’m a member. I think it’s as helpful as you make it. There are unlimited networking and continuing education options, if you take advantage of them. I work at a communications agency and it’s helpful in landing new clients as well.

    3. I looked into it and decided it was mostly marketing hype. My market was not well developed and they wanted to charge the full freight.

  5. Speed Queen people — talk to me about yours. Do people still love them? Available at regular appliance dealers? Anything weird about the sizing since IIRC they are generally for commercial use? Will need to get it in a 36″ door, up a flight of stairs, down a hallway, and then sideways shimmy into the current washer’s spot. I’m assuming it’s a top-loader and also that it doesn’t jut out too deep and will fit through a doorway. Current washer is having internal rust issues that are starting to spread to the point where avoiding getting rust on light colors is tricky, so we give ourselves rust stains :(

    1. I love mine, admittedly mine is old…like 20 years old. It gets everything actually clean, plus the ability to properly soak etc is amazing. I had it repaired this weekend and it was a cheap easy part. The repair man and I had a chat about other brands of machines and he used the word ‘garbage’ many times, then told me that my machine was his favourite model to work on and to keep it forever, lol.

    2. I love mine so, so much. We’ve had it two years. No problems. I don’t know about sizing but I was able to buy at a local appliance store and they were very helpful. Ask lots of questions!

    3. Love our Speed Queen washer. We got it at a local appliance store. It’s the same size as our old Samsung washer. Yes it’s a top loader.

    4. Yes, still love ours, we are going on a decade with no problems. We inherited ours with our house but the prior owners said they were carried down our super narrow rowhouse stairs in pieces and assembled in place – the size of the drum was the limiting factor, not the size of the box itself.

    5. I love mine. It’s about ten years old AND IT HAS NEVER NEEDED SERVICE. Yeah I yelled – it makes me that happy to have a washing machine that actually gets things super clean and never needs attention. Washer and dryer are a standard size – if your old washer went there, the Speed Queen will too.

    6. Absolutely LOVE mine! Traded it about two years after having another top loader that was highly rated but that left washed items feeling not so clean, smelly, etc, no matter what I did. It fit perfectly in the same space as my old washer, was able to fit through a tight doorway to get to its destination so no issues there. I would get one again in a heartbeat.

  6. Saw you mentioned you were Canadian! Long shot but if you’re in Vancouver lmk and I’ll buy you a drink sometime.

    2. Also, depending where you are, there may be a Wellspring Centre near you. I went for a few things almost 10 years ago. They had a great physical rehab program, reiki and massage and I went to a support group. Skewed a bit older, but the facilitator was great, and I found it very helpful. Best of luck with your treatment and recovery.

  7. Favorite Uniqlo Heat Tech items? I am not near a store and I usually wear only petites. Would they be comically long on me?

    1. I am 5″1″ and wear the regular heattech long sleeve shirts under sweaters in the winter. They come down to a low-hip length, so they stay tucked in, but not way down over my thighs, so not too long. The heattech leggings/thermal bottoms are also not too long on me.

    3. I don’t think the tights are any warmer than regular tights but I do find the undershirts – both long and short sleeve – to add a lot of warmth.

      1. Try the pile-lined (or fleece-lined, depending on the year) leggings. Very cozy for an underlayer.

    4. I love the leggings with stomach warmers, they look kind of like maternity leggings with a stretchy mid section gaiter, so they’re very comfortable throughout the day, if not the sexiest. These do run long on me but i fold them up at the ankles and they look fine under boots. I haven’t seen them for years though so maybe they weren’t a popular item.

      The heattech long sleeve shirts are fine, not overly long. There are various thickness to these. The regular is thin so not as warm, but I like them for travels because they take very little luggage space. The extra warm and ultra warm are great for very cold days.

    6. No, I’m average height and it’s all short (fleece lined tights, Alexander Wang collab singlets) or about right (ultra warm leggings, heat tech tops) on me.

      The ultra warm leggings are light, warm and soft. I also like the ultra warm tops because I run cold.

      They are reasonably breathable, my husband wears them as pajamas.

  8. Recommendations for a two night couples trip in January? Looking for a resort style feel with swim up bars and spa and lounging. Around 3 hour flight from Texas with a budget of about $1000/night.

    1. If you want swim up bars, you’ll probably find those at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun/

  9. Are we still wearing pencil skirts? I have a few neutral colored ones from J.Crew years back and they seem dated to me now. I tried to find pictures of more modern looks and mostly struck out. I also tried to make a few outfits and it didn’t go well. They are the no. 2 pencil skirt in the thicker wool material for reference. Styling tips please or just tell me to donate them.

    1. Personally no. I never liked them much and now they seem very dated and uncomfortable.

    2. I think pencil skirts are classic. They may not be in, but I don’t think they are out either. Look at Ann Taylor webs*te for inspiration, they have lots of them – nothing groundbreaking in terms of fashion but not dated either.

      I do think the thick wool no. 2 pencil skirt is a very specific item, which is maybe what’s making it feel dated. I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes back around so I don’t know that I would get rid of them all. Meantime, I would try it with a silk
      button down blouse or a slouchy turtleneck sweater on cold days.I think add some good shoes (something currently popular, maybe a loafer or a square toe boot) and you’re fine.

      1. Agree. Pencil skirts vary by silhouette, believe it or not, and some of them still look quite nice. The ones that really taper in around the knee look dated, while the straighter ones, especially in heavy fabrics, are fine when paired with modern tops and jewelry.

    3. I’ve kept mine – they definitely look dated now but also they’re classic enough that they’ll come back in style. And, the wool ones are warm!

      2. +1000. A skirt is a de facto problem because it needs to be matched with a top before you can do anything with it. A dress is grab & go.

    5. I don’t think they are trendy but you can definitely wear them if you like them. If your size doesn’t fluctuate much but you aren’t wearing them much, put them away. I bet in 2-4 years the “new trend” will be tailored pencil skirts — it’s a perennial thing that comes in and out constantly.

    6. Yes – I’m a middle aged lady and its a staple. I do try to keep current but I don’t care about this one.

    7. The other day while commuting I realized it’s been years since I’ve seen a pencil skirt out in the wild. If you’re committed then don’t style it the same way you did five years ago. No flats or fitted cardigans. The rest of your outfit should be neutral colors.

    8. I have three J Crew pencils skirts that I wear often and one that is a holiday piece (dark navy tweed with tinsel). Maybe they’re not the most fashion-forward piece of clothing in my wardrobe, but I think they are flattering on my figure. The two other women in my office wear them frequently as well. I agree that they’re a core piece of my wardrobe and there are some years where they get more wear than others but I would be loathe to get rid of them!

      As far as styling tips: I’ve been leaning in to the shades of monochromatic trend that has been kicking around. One of the skirts is cranberry red and I’ve been pairing it with a top in something more akin to a pink/magenta and a cardigan that is somewhere in between the two colors. The gray one gets worn a lot with a white or jewel tone top and a black hip-length sweater blazer.

      FWIW – I live in AK and we are not the trendiest state.

    9. The only people I see IRL wearing a pencil skirt these days are my department’s assistant and our office receptionist. They are lovely humans who look nicely dressed, but the vibe definitely reads “support staff” to my eyes at the moment, so I am keeping mine in storage for later.

    10. I’ve seen them look pretty good with a really oversized top, like a big funnel-neck sweater so you get a contrast between the fitted bottom and the top.

    11. They’re a classic. I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m too tall for a lot of dresses (waist hits me in the wrong place) so I’ve always worn a column of color with my pencil skirts – for example, black shell and black pencil skirt – for a sheath dress look. I wear a blazer or other jacket over this. I can put a column of color together in every neutral in my closet.

      I never wore brightly colored pencil skirts so maybe those are passé, but a neutral pencil skirt is something you should keep in your closet as long as it fits you well and isn’t skin tight.

      1. +1 I wear mine all the time and style them this way (or sometimes a cream shell with a black/navy skirt). Maybe they’re not the most fashion forward but they fit me well and in my office I’m just going for “professional but not memorable (in either a positive or negative way).”

      1. Lots of people with bipolar disorder aren’t antisemitic stalkers with a god complex. I don’t think blaming his mental health is helpful here, in terms of personal accountability or stigma.

        1. This is a classic case of two things can be true at once: Kanye is a terrible person, and Kanye is mentally ill.

          1. Yes, but most people who bring up the mental illness when talking about Kanye do it to excuse his behavior.

          2. sure, but the way KJ brought it up strongly implies that we blame the disorder for the behavior. I thought we were past that kind of stuff.

      2. He’s a glassbowl. Doesn’t have anything to do with mental illness. Most people with bipolar disorder are not bigots.

        1. I tried googling that term and came up with all manner of Pyrex. What does it mean in this context?

          1. It is a way of saying a$$h*le without hitting mod for various online commenting systems.

  11. Help me shop for a “fancy” cold weather coat. I have plenty of puffers and am craving something that looks sharp. I’m looking for wool or a wool-type fabric. Length-wise it should be mid thigh or below the knee. I’d love something that cinches in at the waist a bit. No gray or white, all other colors welcome. I’m open to fun mixed media details (leather, faux fur, etc). Budget is $300. Thanks!

    1. Just got a Lauren Ralph Lauren black watch wool one at Macys that meets your specs and I love.

      1. +1 I have two from Macy’s that fit this description (a black Calvin Klein one and a gray one whose brand I forget). Macy’s is GREAT for things like this

      1. +1. I just got a lovely blue wool coat from jcrew factory for a little over $100. I’m in SoCal so it never gets that cold anyway, but if I want something nicer than a puffer, this is perfect .

    7. I was able to snag a Theory Cashmere coat with leather details on clearance around your budget. Not the time of year for clearance though.

    8. Poshmark served me well. I have two long, classic wool coats; one in black, the other in camel. I spent <$150 combined.

  12. does anyone know why universities host inaugurations for new presidents in October even though they start working July 1? I mean I know that no one is really around in the summer, but it seems kind of funny to inaugurate someone 3+ months after they started the job. seems like they should at least do it as classes are starting.

    1. I didn’t know that universities had inaugurations for their new presidents, but one potential reason would be if they’re hosting it in conjunction with homecoming weekend (which was in October in the schools I’ve attended).

    2. Also, an event takes planning and coordination with other activities on campus and potentially across the state (for publics). It is intended to be a public event and serve PR and potentially political and fundraising purposes, so it needs to occur at a time when those needs can be served.

    3. The inauguration is largely ceremonial, right? So that happens when students, faculty, and alumni (i.e. donors) are present.

    4. Because rich donors who want invitations to events are on vacation in the summer months

    5. My uni held an investiture/inauguration 8 months after the new president started. As these tend to be, it was just a giant circlej*erk of upper admin, politicians and donors reassuring each other of their greatness.

    6. I went to college decades ago and while I was there, mine got a new university president. There were festivities for literally months. A friend and I were invited to some sort of luncheon banquet as delegates from our majors. (I think we were juniors.) That may have been the only student focused event but there were tons of events with non-students – faculty maybe? Some form of dignitaries?

      All I remember was that it was in cold weather months and that it was weeks long and disruptive, as the president lived on campus and for those of us who drove to campus, the parking was severely impacted.

  13. Taking the temperature of the group:

    I host a black tie Christmas party every year for almost 100 people in my home. It’s a tradition my friends love and I’ve literally had people ask for the date of my party in the summer before they commit to other family plans.

    I’m hosting this year, but will be moving out shortly after to begin renovations on my home. Because I’m going to be putting all my stuff in storage and living in a rental for a year, I really strongly do not want all the bottles of wine and candles etc that people bring as hostess gifts. At the same time, a nonprofit that I work with has started brainstorming ways to raise some more money heading into the winter as many of the kids we work with do not have sufficient winter clothes and coats.

    Would it be wildly inappropriate to suggest a donation to this charity or even to bring warm weather gear in lieu of a hostess gift (especially since I’m going to be packing up)? I obviously don’t expect people to bring these gifts and it’s not why I host the party, but at the same time I know most people will refuse to show up without some kind of token of appreciation. Things like your presence is the present never work. I’d guess most couples bring a gift around $150 and $7500 would be a hugely meaningful contribution to this local organization.

    What do you think? How would you phrase it?

    2. I think it would be appropriate to suggest bringing coats, etc, for the nonprofit, and I do think saying it’s because you will have to be moving/packing and don’t want any more things for yourself is fine. I wouldn’t put anything out there about a donation of actual cash, but I would accept it if someone wanted to do that instead and discreetly handed you a check or whatever.

      1. I agree and I think people would love to do this. I only have two niblings to spoil and would jump at the chance to a) buy some warm-weather gear for kids in need and b) go to this party, which sounds cool as hell.

    3. “This year we welcome financial or children’s winter gear donations to benefit xyz charity.” Maybe not these exact words, but a similar sentiment.

    4. I think you have to have it be a “Julia’s House Emptying” party this year and threaten (in a jovial way) to make every guest LEAVE with something.

      2. Ha I love this! It’s like a white elephant party but if you don’t bring something I will find something to send you home with anyway.

    5. Fun party! I personally would send a long-ish explanation like you did here rather than a cutesy phrase. The gist would be “Even if we say no gifts, y’all will bring something anyway. This year I’m moving out to start renovations the weekend after this party so I really mean it, please no gifts. If you will twist and agonize over not bringing something, I’m very involved with charity X and they would love a donation, link here.” Those are my words and what my friends would laugh at and get, but YMMV. I think it’s fine to address reality.

    6. Can I be your friend? It sounds like a fun event and it is such a compliment that people want to ensure they don’t miss your party.

    7. We are about to embark on a long renovation project after the party. (Wish us luck!) So in lieu of a hostess gift, please consider donating to —

      It is not inappropriate.

    8. I think this is a lovely idea, and I also agree with Anon at 11:10 about giving a longer explanation in your invite or in an email to the invitees. “if you really want to bring something, consider bringing warm weather gear for non-profit”

      Of course some people won’t read it all and still show up with wine, but at least you gave it a good try.

    10. A few friends in my group host annual “fundraisers” (just for our friends) for this reason. If they call it a clam bake or whatever, everyone brings a hostess gift. If they call it a fundraiser, everyone feels like their hostess gift obligation is fulfilled by contributing to the charity.

      1. This also works for kids’ parties! I discovered that half of parents would still bring presents to a “no gifts please” party, but most will instead donate to a cause if specified in the invitation (even when the message is “gifts are not necessary, but if you’re so motivated please support ___”).

    11. Agreed that this is a lovely idea. I would only add that while I tend to clutch my pearls over people asking for cash gifts, I make an exception for people raising funds for charity and would personally appreciate the option to give money in lieu of bringing the clothing on the theory that (1) it is a lot easier for me and (2) the charity can use it to get what they actually need (for example, people always want to buy things for little kids or teen girls; teen boys tend to get left out).

      I would offer the option of letting people bring something (cash or clothing) in addition to the link. It causes me almost physical discomfort to show up for a party empty-handed.

    13. I think you can be super straightforward here. “As always, your presence is the present, particularly this year as we will be temporarily moving out next week to make room for renovations. In lieu of any hostess gifts, please consider instead bringing a donation or new/gently used children’s winter wear to support Charity X’s winter clothing drive” Parties hosted at home aren’t like weddings, I think most people know that bringing a gift truly is optional. Side note, this party sounds fabulous, and I would be glad to have the opportunity to do this for a friend’s party instead of a bottle of wine.

  15. Does anyone have personal experience on removing mold from wallpaper in a bathroom? I’ve started to notice spots of mold on the wallpaper of our master bath (sadly, remodeling it to remove the wallpaper is not an option from a budget or time perspective until for at least 2-3 years). Lots of info on the web, but hoping for someone’s first hand experience. Preventative measures have been started, but I’ve read that until you get all of it out, even the best preventative measures will result in it coming back.

    1. Ohhh … I think you’ll have to pull the wallpaper down. I know you said it’s not feasible to renovate, but can you just take a weekend/pay someone to remove the paper only? Even if it’s a while before you can paint or fix up, I’d rather use a crummy-looking bathroom that have to worry about stuff growing behind the wallpaper.
      The only success I’ve had with mold is bleach and sunlight, or professional remediation :(

    2. I think the wallpaper has to go, I’m sorry. Why the reference to needing to remodel to remove it? Couldn’t you remove it, bleach the walls, and then replace it with other wallpaper? A messy project for sure but not super expensive…

    3. Unfortunately it’s pretty much impossible to sanitize a porous material like wallpaper. It needs to go for health and safety issues. You can DIY the removal in a weekend though.

    4. Last summer I started seeing light spots of mold on the walls of my finished basement – no leaks, it’s just been a couple of really humid summers. I scrubbed down the walls with bleach last summer and got a dehumidifier. In the meantime I had my ceiling repainted in the whole house including most of the basement (they missed the bathroom ceiling down there). Welp the mold came back this summer except for the repainted ceiling. We scrubbed down the walls again with some kind of mold killing solution that DH found at the hardware store. But we’re just going to have to repaint with a mold resistant paint. Seems to have worked for the ceiling. Taking care of your walls is just part of routine maintenance.

    5. You can leave it up and bleach it heavily to kill the mold, but that isn’t going to look all that great and likely will not get rid of the mold completely. Removing it is going to be better. Elbow grease, a can of Kilz-like primer, and a can of paint aren’t that expensive, especially if you are looking at regularly bleaching the wallpaper for the next 2 to 3 years as an alternative.

    6. Yes, personal experience – ended up removing the wallpaper myself, bleaching walls, sealing with thick coats of Killz and then repainting. Agreed with the remarks above, taking the wallpaper down now is the best course of action. Removing wallpaper sucks but is doable even as a DIY amateur. You could probably finish a bathroom with 2-3 days of dedicated work, happy to share tips if you end up going that route. It’s messy and time consuming but not so bad if you can carve out the weekend, crack some beers, and listen to a great podcast. If that’s really not an option at all, I guess you could paint over the wallpaper with some Killz or Zinsser now but that is going to make any future wallpaper removal much more difficult.

      Signed,
      DIYer who has de-wallpapered five rooms in our “fixer upper” – only one more room to go before our house fully enters the 21st century!

    7. Are you sure it’s mold? A lot of what you might find in a bathroom is mildew. Still not great, but not as dangerous to your health I believe. We just bought a house and raised concerns about some black spots we saw in the basement bathroom to our inspector and he waved it off saying it was just mildew.

  16. Since my office is freezing this morning, I want something warm and toasty to wear. Any recommendations for cozy dresses? Are sweater dresses still a thing?

    1. I have a good selection of sweater dresses and wear them regularly. I don’t now that they are particularly fashionable, but the aesthetic works for me (fitted but not clinging). They are a great canvas and can lean professional to casual depending on footwear and accessories. I often have other women ask me where I found “such a perfect dress” so I guess I am ok.

    2. You called?

      I have been talking a lot here about my plans to wear sweater dresses all winter long (I’m pregnant and due in spring). Currently focusing on building my maternity wardrobe in other ways, but I’ve stalked many a J. Crew turtleneck dress on Poshmark already.

    3. I’ve seen sweater dresses in stores a lot this season, I think they are definitely a thing.

    4. I love a sweater blazer over a cashmere or merino wool shell. I have no shame about wearing some sort of almost blanket-like shawl over this if necessary because the thermostat is set to ridiculously cold, and I’m not just going to grin and bear it.

    5. I had two Everlane cashmere dresses that always got me huge compliments. Quince sells a similar dress now.

  17. My dad died this weekend. We didn’t have a close relationship. I was the product of an affair and didn’t find out he was my father until my late teens. He came over a couple times a week during my growing up years but I haven’t seen him or talked to him in about five years I’m not sure how to feel. When I first heard the news I assumed it should be NBD given that he was more of a family friend than a father. But now I’m kind of having some feelings about it and I’m confused. I won’t be attending the funeral because no one knows he’s my dad and I feel almost cheated of my chance to say good bye.

    1. I’m so sorry to hear this.

      When things like happen, it’s a multiplied loss. You lost not only the person but also the potentials. And now you’re losing the ability to say goodbye.

      Give yourself space and kindness, this is hard.

    2. I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is messy and nonlinear, especially so for complicated relationships like yours.
      It makes perfect sense that you feel cheated. Please give yourself grace and feel however you need to.

    4. So so sorry for your pain right now. I have a difficult relationship with my dad too. He’s still alive but we hardly speak and I think I will feel similarly to what you’ve described when he passes. The truth is that for decades I’ve already been mourning the absence of the father/daughter relationship I wish we had. Sometimes it’s much less about losing the actual person and more about losing what could have been but never was. That second loss is very real too and I hope you give yourself permission to feel the full grief of it.

    5. I think you should attend the funeral. You don’t have to explain who you are to anyone.

      2. I second this, if you feel that attending the funeral would be helpful to you. You knew who he was, so you’re not attending a stranger’s funeral. Many hugs. This is hard in many, many ways.

      4. Uh, depends how big the funeral is or how much you look like your biological father. Also, while closure is important and you truly deserve that, what you don’t need or deserve is drama with other people mourning his death. Your instinct to avoid is probably correct. You don’t deserve to have to respond to anyone there as to why you may be attending the funeral. Go visit the cemetery on your own at a later date.

        My condolences for your loss. I expect you are likely grieving both the loss of what you did have and the possibilities of what it might have been.

        1. As long as you only attend the service, there is not a lot of chit chat at funerals. It isn’t a wedding wherein everyone at the table talks about how they know the couple. No one takes names at the door.

          (I served on a nonprofit board with a lot of elderly people and went to more than my share of funerals. It’s easy to attend and leave without talking to people.)

          1. You all are imagining a big, anonymous funeral. Many funerals are 20 people or fewer in attendance. You can’t count on being lost in the crowd.

        2. OP here and your last sentence nails it. A commenter above said it too That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling but didn’t realize it. There is more to process than I initially thought. Thank you all for your kind responses; I really appreciate it.

      6. I second the concerns of those who say not to go to the funeral, but if you can avoid drama and attention, I encourage you to go. DH’s parents were not married and he had a distant relationship with his father, who had several other children outside of marriage and went on to have 3 children with the woman he did marry. We learned so much about his father by attending the funeral. In a lot of ways his father was far from admirable, but some of the stories that his friends and relatives shared helped us to appreciate other aspects about him.

    6. Of course you have mixed feelings – it a very complicated thing.

      IMHO, go to the funeral. I wouldn’t introduce myself as his daughter, but simply say that he was a family friend. You didn’t create or ask for this situation.

    7. First, even the loss of a “family friend” can be very traumatic. My mom’s good friend just up and died one day at age 59 and it took her a long time to get over it. She had similar feelings of “didn’t get to say goodbye.”

      Second, depending on the funeral plans, it could be very possible to just attend the funeral and leave. Don’t go to the visiting hours, but I used to be an altar server at a Catholic church and have been to hundreds of funerals. You can go and leave and nobody has to know. If anyone makes small talk, you can say you are a friend of (dad)’s. that’s all.

      1. A person who hurt my mother greatly decided to attend her funeral, I suppose out of guilt. It was very upsetting for us, her immediate family, and yes we noticed. We noticed every person who came.

        OP should not count on the funeral being big enough that she can slip in unnoticed. And what is going to make her feel better about attending the service? Eulogies that don’t include her?

        OP if you want to make your existence known to his family, the services are not the time to do it. And it’s not going to make you feel any better either.

        1. OP here. I have zero interest in making my existence known to his family. He and my mother were publicly good friends and I am not interested in sharing his secret. It is hurtful though that I’ll never be able to say good bye the way his “real” family will. Just like I never got to have him at my wedding, or my ballet performances, or my graduations.

          1. OP here. I appreciate the many kind and thoughtful comments. Anon at 3:17, I do not include you in that. As I mentioned above, I have no interest in spilling the beans or “disrupting” anything. I merely wish I was able to say good bye to a man who did mean a lot to me, even if it wasn’t the traditional father role. Your comment is mean, and attitudes like yours are why, at times, I have felt ashamed of my mere existence. I know that the fact I exist would be hurtful to people.

        2. Pointing out the obvious: as his daughter, she has every right to be there. She isn’t illegitimate – her parents behaved badly and that reflects on them, not her. “But the family!” SHE is family.

          1. No, she is biology. If she wants to be disruptive, the time is not at the funeral. His day to day family are not at fault here, there is no need to add to their grief on this one day.

        3. But I think she can go without making her existence known to the family. I would go. If anyone asks, just say family friend and go for the service but not visitng hour.

          1. Right, exactly. As long as it’s not a tiny funeral, no one is going to think a second thing about this. Especially since he and her mother were friends. It’s not like she will show up and a neon sign will illuminate on her head that says, “daughter.”

            I’ve been to many, many funerals. I’ve never asked why someone was attending, and I’ve never heard anyone doing that, either. I really don’t think this will be an issue if it’s not a tiny funeral. Having said that, if OP is uncomfortable going or thinks it will cause distress, she shouldn’t go!

          2. It’s super late but I agree. I have been to many funerals. No one cares why I am there and no one has ever been upset that their loved one made an impact on others. If you dad was publicly friends with your mom, you could just use that. “I am (mom’s) daughter. I saw the funeral announcement and wanted to say goodbye,” but no one will ask. I find attendees tend to share the connection, not get asked. If you encounter the family, you can just say “my condolences,” which is all a lot of peoples say anyway.
            Also, I want to a funeral last week for someone I didn’t know well. I knew the family so was happy to go through the line. However, I had to pee really badly. I went to the restroom before joining the line and could have easily just walked out the exit by the bathroom. No one would have remembered I was there. And this funeral had less than 50 people at its

    8. You could call the funeral home and see if they would let you go say a private goodbye before or after visiting hours. I expect they have dealt with this type of situation before — you could say you are estranged from the family or explain the situation. Many services are still live-streamed where I live, so maybe that is also an option.

      When my aunt died, a man came that none of us knew. He was my cousin’s bio Dad. He told my cousin that when he came to the service. My Mom (aunts sister) knew who he was, but my aunt had kept the secret from her daughter. My uncle (aunts husband and who my cousin thought was her dad all her life) had died when my cousin was very little, so she grew up without a Dad. Her “bio dad” married his wife for money and would not tell his wife about my cousin. He told one of his other daughters. My cousin died a few years later of cancer, and they saw each other a few times. What a mess. Bio dad was a selfish jerk.

  18. I am currently working two jobs and am needing to have healthy, filling, easy to eat on the go meals or heavy snacks. I’ve been eating a lot of protein bars since they’re fast and filling but probably not the best for long term.

    I have ~15 minutes in which to eat, so I need something that’s ready to go and doesn’t need to be heated or prepared. Any ideas?

    1. Grain salads are great here. Something like quinoa + grapes + arugula + feta with a simple dressing. I also am really into lentils right now, so my initial thought is lentils (I get the TJ’s precooked refrigerated ones) with sliced beets and cucumber and bleu cheese. You can make a few day’s worth and just add dressing right before you eat them.

      Smoothies are also great – particularly ones with some substance. I personally like either a green juice of banana + pineapple+a little mango + a TON of kale (blended with water) or a banana/protein powder/cocoa powder/a little extra peanut butter smoothie made with soy milk and ice. Husband likes kefir + berries + a little extra plain yogurt + local honey (which I also swear by for allergies even though it may be a placebo effect).

      FWIW, I eat a lot of soups when I’m this busy. I make big pots and then freeze in individual portions. Pop them into my bag and then into the microwave. It is easy to get a good variety – right now I have a curried butternut squash soup, Italian chicken sausage and kale with orzo, and a chili in my freezer.

    2. I’m a big fan of peanut butter/nut butters to calm the afternoon munchies. Right now I’m doing a lot of peanut butter and baby carrots, but I’ve been known to eat it with a spoon.

    4. Can you refrigerate things/keep a small lunch bag with a cooling pack? If so there are lots of meat/cheese/cracker packs for adults (Sargento has some, they’re by the lunchables) that I kept on hand when traveling for a healthier plane snack. I’d also suggest yogurt cups, the hummus and pretzel sabra cups, individual guacamole packs (trader joes) with pre cut veggies (also trader joes), individual peanut butter cups, babybel cheeses with an apple or pear. Basically pair a protein source with some fruit or veg if you can. Good luck!

    5. Peruse your grocery store’s deli section for ready to eat grain salads, pasta salads, bean salads, etc. If you have a microwave, I often throw a can of soup and a bowl to eat it with in my work bag. Apples, cheese, and nuts are also good, too.

    6. Crackers with tuna or salmon packets and an apple are my go to easy, high-protein, filling lunch.

    7. Kale Salads.
      Hearty sandwiches or wraps.
      I also have a good soup thermos- I heat soup or make ramen in the morning and it is still warm by 5pm.
      I also have learned to eat food cold since I have no microwave.

  19. My kid joined a middle school IB program. Because of COVID, our schools were shut down until last fall and it has not seemed to be a very IB-like program. There is some group work and community service. Apparently now, 8th grade fall, I need to decide if kiddo wants IB for high school to lock in a magnet spot in that program at the high school. Most local parents, already enraged at local schools, say IB is just busywork and that just doing AP classes is good enough for colleges. IDK if you all have a sense of how IB is done in the US at large public school districts. I grew up in a blue-collar area where we didn’t have AP classes or IB programs and just had one high school and a vo-tech high school. Trying to talk to people gets them all rage-stabby and hasn’t really helped. It’s almost traumatic to hear them relive the past few years.

    1. This is so hard. My district only does AP and accelerated classes, which are already on the chopping block for…enraging reasons. No chance of an IB program until pigs fly. If you can find someone who has a kid in that particular IB program now who is willing to talk, that might be your best bet. When I had a friend who was giving me the really hard sell about a specialized program in our district, I found it helpful to talk to someone who had kids who’d gone through our neighborhood school (which I liked much much better). If you don’t have anyone in your network, sometimes local FB moms’ groups can be helpful, especially if you can persuade someone to talk offline or over email. People tend to more honest/frank when it’s not in writing.

      The other thing to consider is what your kid wants to do. The older my kids get, the more I think it’s necessary to take their preferences and interests into account. Am I happy that my youngest quit ballet even though he was really quite good? No, but it’s his life. My eldest had zero interest in going to specialized high school because she wanted to stay with her friends. I think her high school is good but it’s 100% not the choice I would have made at her age. It’s all hard.

      1. While I wish I wasn’t rage-stabby at my local schools now that they are pretty much operating in a “normal” way, one of the things that *isn’t* back to its pre-COVID level is the school leadership/administration. Need to call in a sick day for your kid? Phone rings and rings, no voicemail. Send an email to the attendance clerk? Might as well send a message in a bottle. Appoint either an interim or permanent principal for the district’s only middle school? To quote Cher Horowitz, AS IF!

        Thank goodness for school’s teachers, they are doing a fantastic job while the administration is doing…something? Whatever it is, it’s not getting someone to fix the falling ceiling tiles or to pick up the school dumpsters. Maybe they are attending a training on some new app they want the kids to download to promote “social emotional learning” through…surveillance?

    2. My son did IB pre-pandemic and I don’t think he got anything out of the extra work. I agree with the advice to do a standard college prep program focusing on AP classes in Junior and Senior year.

    3. My experience is 20 years old, not sure how much has changed? I did IB in high school but didn’t end up bothering with the busywork of the full diploma because my high school had other advanced classes I wanted to participate in that I thought were even better than IB. I took a mix of IB, other advanced classes, and some college classes while in high school, plus I also took AP tests for the IB classes where the content overlapped (Bio, Calculus, Physics). I got top scores on both the AP and IB tests, so it didn’t actually matter in terms of college credit, and since I was a science major, I still had to take intro bio and physics, though it did get me out of two semesters of calculus. I think the IB classes are pretty good, but the IB people do overplay how much colleges care about them. I went to an Ivy and applied to a lot of selective schools and certainly never got the impression that anyone cared about IB as any different than AP or any other advanced classes. I will say that I felt that my urban public high school prepared me just as well as the fancy private schools many of my peers attended, so maybe some points to IB there? Definitely credit to my excellent teachers!

    4. I went to a public school that had both AP and IB, and I did the full IB diploma twenty years ago (while still taking a few AP). It was a fantastic experience.

      It’s wonderfully designed to let you go deeper into some subjects (higher level, but you have to take some subjects at a lighter level (standard level) so it’s not too overwhelming. Fulfilling requirements (like the extended essay) and preparing for evaluations felt a lot more helpful to my development than preparing for AP exams, which felt more like learning to play a game well.

      What does your child want to do? I don’t think I would have enjoyed IB or gotten as much out of it if I hadn’t really wanted to do the program.

    5. No idea how much has changed but I did the bulk of high school as IB, almost 30 years ago and it was life changing. (Didn’t do STEM classes so no diploma). I was only near the bottom of the top 15% of my class and got a full ride (I was a world class debater, too, so that contributed), and I got probably 30% of an undergraduate degree credited. It was also the hardest work I have ever done, including law school. I worked minimum 20 hours a week through law school and ran political campaigns without any stress. It opened a lot of doors. I would talk to locals, we are in the catchment for a highly ranked IB school and that’s what I intend to do for my 12 year old when she has to decide, if she can even get in and wants to.

    6. I transferred in high school to an IB school (Atlanta International School) and loved it. Before that I had been in a regular public school doing AP classes. You also have considerable choice in what you take higher or standard level. I think there is no comparison between middle school IB and the actual – two year Junior/Senior with exams – IB program. The Theory of Knowledge class is also a great intro to doing individual research, if your kid might go into an honors program in college and do a thesis.

    7. It really varies by school. I know several people who went through a public high school IB program in Florida that all of them characterize as brutal. My daughter is now a junior in a different public program that only offers IB courses in eleventh and twelfth grades, so she took honors and AP courses last year. Her IB courses are much less time-consuming because they don’t involve the massive amounts of busywork that her school piles onto honors and AP students, but she’s also learning more because the focus is on “why” and they do much more critical thinking and writing.

      If you have a gifted kid and any type of magnet school is available, I’d be very reluctant not to take advantage of that opportunity. My kid was truly miserable in her zoned school’s honors and AP courses and is incredibly happy now in IB with her true peers being taught in a way that is tailored to how their brains work.

    8. High school IB is very different from the middle school program. Strictly speaking, IB is only the last two years of high school; the first two years are pre-IB. It is a lot of work and forces kids to be more well-rounded then some of them might prefer since you have to do a science, math, a foreign language, typically an art, and another subject in addition to English. I have a son in it now and another who did it several years ago, and I’m a college professor. It is better preparation for college for a kid who doesn’t know what they want to major in. If you have a kid who already is very certain what they’re going to major in, then the well-roundedness of it doesn’t really benefit them that much. The classes tend to be more rigorous than AP classes, but of course it all comes down to the teachers. Where I think it is the most beneficial is the amount of writing that they have to do, and the adherence to tougher grading standards if the teachers are truly following IB rubrics. It gets kids used to the idea that not everybody gets an A all the time, which is good preparation for college. I am viewing the IB diploma as a possible escape option for my kids in case things go really south here in the US. As the other commenters said, it probably should come down to whether your kid wants to do it. There’s nothing wrong with AP classes.

  20. Over the weekend, I went to a dinner party at a friend of a friend’s house. The hosts were a couple, and it turns out one of them is the son of one of the richest men in the world (top 20-ish). Everything about the home and the dinner was perfect. Their apartment was a beautiful loft with interesting, design-oriented furniture and beautiful details (art in neat piles, candle sticks that looked like works of art). The dinner had so many different components, with many interesting recipes.

    I talked to the host who put the spread together (he’s the rich one), and he said that he just googled a lot of the recipes or found them online. Likewise, a lot of the furniture, they sourced from Facebook marketplace or estate sales.

    The boyfriend is on leave from law school, but the other boyfriend (not the rich one) works full time in a high pressure job and has a similar eye for design and creating a beautiful home.

    The experience had me wondering if it’s possible to create that same type of lifestyle for myself, where everything seems effortlessly beautiful and intentional. I feel kind of on the opposite spectrum – a lot of “what’s the point” when it comes to aesthetics and like it’s hard to even remember to do laundry. But is it just a matter of being intentional about things and planning a bit more? Or investing more time and thought into things?

    Do any of you guys have lifestyles like that? What’s your secret? Can it be done without generational wealth and the ease that affords?

    1. When I bought my house, I hired an interior designer who came up with the style for my house. She based it on the house itself and my personality/taste. She made a Pinterest board with recommendations. I bought everything myself over the years, but it is all within that style and color palette.

    2. Don’t try to solve this problem by buying a lot of stuff. Usually these beautiful interiors are beautiful because they contain so little. Pare down to the absolute necessities. If you want to add color, do it sparingly (one pillow, not three matching pillows). Collect things you’d like to display gradually and throughout your life. Don’t “shop the look.” Let it happen slowly.

      1. +1

        Intentionality and “not too much” are the keys to this and you can get it only by either spending a lot of money or a lot of time.

      2. +2

        My grandparents had a beautiful home. Many pieces are antiques; that really made it lovely is that there was not any clutter to compete with the beautiful furniture, rugs, lamps, and paintings.

        A lot of people think that if, e.g., one beautifully crafted cocktail shaker is good, three are better. Why have one set of finely sculpted candlesticks when you could have four sets almost as nice ones? Unfortunately, stuff needs to live somewhere and it lives its life as clutter.

      3. This. To live in beauty, one must curate every single item that is within the abode, every item served, etc. My brothers-in-law live this life, but perhaps counterintuitively, it requires largely stepping back from a consumer lifestyle.

    3. I mean wealth helps with a lot of this certainly — I’m sure they have professional cleaners keeping their home sparkling, knowledge of brands and experiences with nice things, the ability to buy fancy ingredients for even simple recipes etc. But that being said, I have a non-wealthy friend with a really thoughtful and lovely apartment sourced from fb marketplace and such! She has incredible taste and works in design which helps a lot, but I think it’s something you can learn too. Mostly you need patience and an enjoyment in the process. Personally I’m also working on recognizing that some people are just wealthy, it’s impossible for my life to compare to theirs and that’s okay too.

      1. I agree that enjoying the process is important and that styling a home can absolutely be done without a ton of money. Check out the plethora of home tours on YouTube. Don’t force it if it’s not your thing though. Some people prioritize function over style in their home, and that’s okay too.

    4. Good style (and food!) can absolutely be done without generational wealth. I am not convinced it can be done without time, effort, planning, and intention, which…is what I am unwilling to put forth. Basically, you have to deliberately pull it together and then keep it fresh. In my case, I’d need a lot of time looking through design options because I don’t have the kind of eye/talent/creativity to put it together myself but could probably copy looks I like if I found them. What’s missing for me is the value proposition – I’m reasonably happy on my schlubby couch with my “it was a memory” purchase art on the wall and the vague feeling that the rug probably should be in the other room and the colors of the pillows aren’t quite right. I have friends who are fabulous with this stuff…my free time goes elsewhere. I admire their work but don’t spend my free time the same way.

    5. My friend’s sister has this talent. She is a teacher from a blue collar family and is not wealthy. She just has a great eye and a knack for small details. I don’t know how you learn this honestly. I think for the people who aren’t born with the talent it takes a lot of tine and effort and then even still it’s not as good. I accepted that I do not have this talent but I still love how I have decorated my house – it’s good enough!

    6. It’s possible that the meal was catered and the furniture was expensive (or selected by a decorator) but he downplayed it to be polite. That being said, you can introduce stylish details to your home with a smaller budget. Some random thoughts: When it comes to furniture and decor you’re better off waiting to find the perfect piece instead of rushing to fill the space. Check out design blogs or Houzz for pictures that speak to you then create a running shopping list. Avoid matchy-matchy pieces and focus on items that complement each other. Look at Restoration Hardware for examples of Rich Person Decor. The color palette is small and neutral but they add depth with a variety of textures. Don’t over decorate a room either. It’s like accessories- always take off the last thing you put on. I’m not very tidy so I like furniture that offers invisible storage (an ottoman that has a compartment for my million blankets and assorted chargers, an entry table with drawers I can empty my pockets into). Your space will get cluttered if your belongings don’t have a conveniently located home. Hosting a fabulous dinner party isn’t hard if you don’t make it hard. Grab some serving pieces at Home Goods and don’t try new recipes for the first time. A simple salad and lasagna served by a calm host is more enjoyable than a ten course meal with a frazzled host. At my favorite dinner party we hung out in the kitchen with a good bottle of wine while the hostess leisurely stirred a pot of risotto. Dim the lights, put out lots of unscented candles, and play some good music.

    7. I used to do that kind of thing for fun! My hobby was being a wanna-be Martha Stewart. I loved shopping for vintage china and trying out recipes from the internet. I would spend lots of time driving to random antique stores in the countryside or shopping at boutiques in the city. I brunched all over and made quaint recipes at home. Then I had kids so that went out the window. If you’re thinking “what’s the point” though it might not be for you.

    8. It can be done, but as you said, you have to devote time and intention to it. Also money. The fact an item came from FB marketplace or an estate sale does not mean it is inexpensive. But yes, you will find more interesting things if you spend weekends at an auction house and a consignment or antiques store and you are willing to wait to find the right thing. You also have to have enough space and money that most of the things you see are decorative rather than functional. Things you use are either beautiful and displayed in just the right place (e.g., attractive barware on a bar cabinet) or put away. I recently dated someone who had achieved this on a much less grand scale than what I imagine you saw. He is an artistic person with artistic friends. He bought nice items at consignment and antique stores and the art on the walls was mostly real art done by friends. He had recently started over after divorce and had kept things pretty minimal but included some decorative accents. It was a very nice place to be and spending time there forced me to reconsider my home quite a bit, though I’ve not been able to take any significant steps to improve it yet.
      As to the food — Yes, you can get lots of interesting recipes from the internet. But selecting the right ones to truly impress requires some cooking knowledge and a good palate developed by exposure to fine foods. If you’ve never had great food or you’ve never cooked, it would be very hard to prepare a dinner as you described from scrolling the internet.

    9. I’ll bite. I personally think a lot of cooking well comes from practice and learning what to taste for – Salt/Fat/Acid/Heat (I’d add sweet to that list) does this really well imho. Once you know how to taste/season food it’s much easier to tweak online recipes (and figure out from a quick scan what will/won’t work). Timing is also something that’s hard when hosting and simply comes with practice as does a sense of what ‘most’ people like (for example, I don’t love chocolate but 90% of my parties have a chocolate dessert because people enjoy it).
      Decorating is a difficult skill to learn and frankly it isn’t taught the same way that cooking is with easy to follow shows/books/etc. I find tiktok and Instagram great for ‘training’ your eye as to what looks good together, what types of lines and shapes appeal to you, and before/after photos for how to put a space together. Also, frankly, some people have more time, money, and inclination than others do – I have no time or patience for navigating online Facebook or estate sales!

    10. You can learn. I am a very good cook who finds most of her recipes on line. My mother was a terrible cook who did not allow onions, garlic, or spices in her kitchen. I taught myself to cook by following recipes over a period of about a decade and thinking about what made them work and not work. I can now tell just by reading a recipe whether it will be good and what modifications it might need.

      Re. design, I agree with the “less is more” sentiment. Every object needs to be curated and selected for a reason, which can just be “I love it.” Some degree of eclecticism and contrast is necessary, but not too much. You don’t want a home that looks like it came straight from Home Goods or the decor aisle at Target or a Pottery Barn catalog, but you also don’t want it to look like your grandmother’s house. You can look at design blogs and magazines and other people’s houses and think critically about what appeals to you and what doesn’t and why.

  21. Is a knee-length sequin dress appropriate for a gala where the attire is listed as c*cktail? I’m looking to wear something a little more fun than a sheath dress, but don’t want to be too over the top.

    1. I avoid sequins except at NYE. To be sparkly, add sparkly shoes or accessories, like a sequins clutch. I whole dress will be a lot.

  22. If one is hard on phones, as I am, is there any hope for a cute case that is also tough and durable? Any recs? (Failing that, I will find a pretty sticker and rebuy my broken Otterbox.)

    2. I like my life proof cases – my current one is aqua and pink so I think it’s cute

    4. I’m very hard on phones and would never not have an Otterbox case. I really like my Otterbox Symmetry case and some of the options aren’t horrible, depending on your style.

    5. Otterbox fan here. I literally would have to buy multiple phones a year if it weren’t for my Otterbox Defender.

    7. I use the Lume selfie case and it is cute, very protective and the lights are great as flashlights – I’m not much of a selfie taker :).

  23. Shooing help??? Where are people buying/finding work dresses these days? My office runs from freezing cold to scorching hot, with no rhyme or reason as to the temp changes. Ideally, I’m looking for midi length or knee length dresses with sleeves. But not poof sleeves, because I will inevitably need to put on a sweater or jacket over them and I can’t get a sweater to work with poofy sleeves. And not a wrap dress. I keep trying wrap dresses and they just never work with my large chest/I never feel comfortable in them (even with slips and camisoles, etc.). I feel like everything is a mini dress, sweater dress (no thank you), a wrap dress, or sleeveless. Will to spend up to $200 per dress. Thank you!!!

    1. Biden, Lands End, and Talbots for that budget. The dresses can be pretty basic but easy to dress up with your choice of blazer, shoes, accessories.

  24. This will immediately out me to anyone who knows me IRL but I had the strangest experience this weekend and have to share it with the group.

    This weekend, some female friends and I went hiking in a state park . It’s an intermediate trail and gets pretty remote in parts. Some miles in, we came across an older man with a dog who was…hiking without pants on. Completely naked from his waist to his hiking boots, with a hat/windbreaker/all the necessary gear up top. Hiking with no pants and a blanket that he moved in front of his privates as he saw us approach, and then removed when we passed him (we turned around to check and got a full view of his bare bottom). He said “good morning ladies, great day for a hike!” as we passed him, with 0 weirdness or shame.

    We spent the rest of the hike theorizing what the story could possibly be–bathroom accident? nudist? a good old fashioned pervert? I don’t think he was homeless because he seemed pretty relaxed and had good quality gear on. We ruled out bathroom accident because wouldn’t any sane person wrap the blanket around their waist like a skirt if they were pantless due to GI issues? Wouldn’t you step off to the side and allow a group of women to pass and get some distance away before continuing? Why did he have the blanket in the first place? I ended up calling the ranger station and giving an incident report–the ranger who answered was a woman and we had a good laugh as I was explaining it. It was funny but also really unsettling and I spent the entire walk back on edge in case he came back because, well, you never know.

    Just a crazy story I wanted to share, feel free to comment your conspiracy theories about the pants-less hiker.

    1. Good old fashioned pervert is my guess. Your group of women gave him thrills for days.

      Sorry that happened to you. I once accidentally hiked into a “cruise spot” with my friend and her dogs and … that is something I wish I could unsee.

    2. That is truly bizarre. I’m definitely sympathetic to bathroom issues (I hike with toilet paper and a towel) but I don’t think that’s what this was. I’m glad you called it in.

    4. That’s crazy! One of my friends had a couple game cameras in the woods for hunting reasons and caught a nude hiker on video. That hiker was at least fully nude. Hiking only bottomless seems more nefarious.

      1. yeah, I am from a part of Europe where nudism is more accepted (not viewed with suspicion as much), but the half-dressedness is giving me pause. Could be that it was too cold up top, but seems quite unlikely.

    5. I’m also leaning towards G. O. F. P., but perhaps he did have GI issues and didn’t wrap the blanket around him because it was too hot or he had no way to secure it, and just figured he’d deal as he encountered other people. Some sort of cavalier attitude about needing to, ahem, air out, perhaps?

      Still weird.

    6. This is s3xual in nature. I am not quite ready to call him a pervert, but his behavior is not socially acceptable.

      1. socially acceptable is victim-blamey here. OP and her friends should not have been subjected to this without their consent, so “oops, not socially acceptable, that’s your problem for being a prude” is a horrible take.

    8. Not to go down a rabbit hole here, but national parks pose a really great opportunity for all sort of sketchy and violent behavior. Do some reading on missing persons/ murders in a naitonal park. And I say this as someone who enjoys the outdoors and spends a fair bit of free time in national parks.

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