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Updated: Oct 4, 2021 312 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Delilah Tweed Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

It’s rare that I would describe a tweed blazer as “fresh” or “modern,” but this jacket from Generation Love is just that. Maybe it’s the olive color, the double-breasted cut, or even the styling with leather pants here, but this looks a little more of-the-moment than your standard-issue tweed.

I love the idea of styling this with an all-black outfit. I’d do a pair of slim-fitting pants and drapey blouse, but it would also look great with a basic black sheath.

The blazer is on sale for $288.75 (marked down from $385) at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in sizes XS–XL.

J.Crew's popular Schoolboy Blazer is a more affordable option at $125; it's available in straight sizes 0–22 and petite sizes 0–12.

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. orange is the new dove

    What are your favorite citrus scented bar soaps for daily use?

  2. Nora

    Now I remember why I bought so many nicer sweatpants and joggers last year. I guess if we are really looking for a silver with how long the pandemic has been I am re wearing the WFH clothes I normally would not get as much use out of

    I want to feel dressed for work, but I also just cannot get myself to wear pants with a waistline at home.

    • Anokha

      Any recommendations for nicer sweatpants or joggers that you love? As I get ready for another season of WFH, I’m looking to up my game.

      • Minnie Beebe

        Vuori are really nice. I have a pair of harem-style joggers that I love (and wear on the regular)– they are worth the money.

      • Nora

        I’ve found really good ones at JCrew randomly enough, bought them twice and in different colors
        I also bought some of the thicker, straighter sweat pants from Gap and they’re great

      • Anon

        I’m obsesed with Zella joggers. I have three pairs and they’re all I wore last fall/winter for WFH and I’m gearing up to wear them for another season!

      • BB

        American Giant! I love their quality, although always wish they had more fun colors.

      • DeepSouth

        I like the Zyia zipper jogger. Go up a size, but they can read as real pants in a casual outfit as well.

    • Anon

      I hear you! Plus, at home, there is always the risk of cooking / cleaning / doing something that would trash my clothes (even though I have a closet of them and could change), so I definitely only wear nice things when I am leaving my house for a Thing (but I understand why I see people dressed up at the grocery store — sometimes, you just want to look less sketchy / like the person you were).

    • Cat

      Oh, same. I was actually supposed to return to work this week but it’s been postponed semi-indefinitely again, I suspect because what’s another couple months to let younger kids get vaxxed and avoid post-holiday workplace spread. My guess is we’ll make it to 2 full years WFH before coming back!

    • Coach Laura

      I wore the Zella leggings 75% of the time in the fall/winter/spring last year. I also wear my Betabrand “dress” yoga pants, which are almost as comfortable as the Zella but a bit dressier since they are straight leg, not leggings. I guess they have a waistline/waistband but that is the definition of pants, otherwise I’d wear a dress. Knit dresses are comfortable at home for me but I am too cold in the fall and winter to have bare legs.

  3. Anonymous

    Can anyone recommend a source for surgical-style disposable masks that are available in multiple sizes? Then men’s/one-size masks that I can find are too big for my face.

    • BB

      Demetech has kids sized ones if those fit you. They’re one of the US manufacturers that’s often profiled in news stories. I’ve only purchased their respirator style masks, but have been very pleased with both the quality and speed of shipping.

    • Anonymous

      I have small face and tie knots in the ear lopes to shorten and that works well for me. You can also crisscross the ear lopes for a tighter fit — just google.

      • Anonymous

        The “hack” of knotting the ear loops and tucking in the pleats doesn’t work for me.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I have this issue and bought some rubber earloop adjusters. Such a huge help! The mask are more comfortable and they fit better.

    • Anon

      Just Play Kids’ single use face masks (I think we bought them at Target?) come in two kids sizes – 2-7 and 8 and up. The 8 and up size fits my petite mother in law’s face perfectly.

    • ALT

      I bought kids-sized surgical masks at Target. They were in the medical supplies section, not sure what brand they are.

    • Anon

      I use the 3M N95s with two elastic bands that go around my head. I have a small head, and this seems to work okay for me. The ear band ones don’t “seal” for me.

  4. Ses

    Does anyone send flowers or gifts to friends, family, or SO for professional achievements like promotions, new job, joining a charity board, making partner, etc? I feel like this is frequently shown in fiction but I have only seen it in a few circles in real life.
    On one hand, I’d like to send and receive congratulations in this way; but on the other hand, it seems like a good way to manufacture a lot of second-shift work for myself and potentially do it sometimes / forget to do it other times and make someone feel forgotten.
    Just curious to hear whether others here do this and if it’s as nice as it sounds, or if you wish you’d never started.

    • Carla

      I started doing this more during the pandemic when we could t get drinks for a friends promotion etc, and I love it. I like shopping and getting gifts for friends or finding the perfect gift basket is fun for me. I like the idea of brightening their day and gift basket type stuff is used over some time.

      A good friend got an award at work but was kind of downplaying it. We sent her champagne and cookies to help mark the event as special as it actually was.

    • Anon

      I see this all the time in the “upper class working set” group circle that I’m tangentially in the world of. They give each other small tokens of friendship (fancy fruits, special seasonal sweets, extravagant bouquets, etc.) for all sorts of events and happenings. I think it’s honestly their way of showing friendship since they can buy themselves most things they want. It seems somewhat transactional but is super duper common.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think this is limited to the upper class. Two of my friends jointly sent me a small bouquet when I made partner. A friend got me a cute sun hat with “bride” on the brim when I got engaged – not in connection with a gift giving party like an engagement party or bach. Pretty cards are also common, I love extravagant-looking stationery, and even the priciest card is still less than $20.

      • LaurenB

        I think some people are just gifters and “stuff” people, and others aren’t. What is a friendly token to one person is a “ugh, another well-meant thing that I have to figure out how to re-gift or declutter” to another. I’m the latter, but it’s not wrong to be the former, just different.

    • Anokha

      I do it, but rarely: it’s for friends in the inner circle. But I sent flowers went a friend made partner, and champagne when a friend was elected to the school board. I think both really appreciated it.

    • anon

      I do for all of those things except joining a charity board (which doesn’t seem like an accomplishment to me). I don’t think of it as second-shift work because these are my friends and I’m doing it out of caring, not out of obligation. Also, I don’t really have a friend “group” at this point in life (I have various different friend relationships but they don’t tend to overlap) so nobody is going to hear about it from someone else and feel left out.

      But I’m also a person who writes condolence and congratulation notes and has a stationery wardrobe, so this feels like a normal and natural thing to do.

      • Anon

        I have all the same feelings as you! My friends and I are not wealthy or anything and we do these kinds of things for each other often. I don’t recall anyone getting miffed at not getting something for a particular achievement or occasion because it’s all viewed as very very optional and a fun treat.

        Like the poster above, I don’t view this as annoying or second shift work because I like doing it. It also takes just a few minutes— about the same amount of time as sending a congratulations text. People on this site often ask how to make and maintain friendships as adults, and this is one way to do it. Not to buy affection, but to just do thoughtful things (don’t have to cost a lot! It can be just a card in the mail!) to show your friends you’re proud of them and thinking about them. Each gesture doesn’t take the sender long to do, but it makes a real impact with the receiver.

    • Cat

      Have never sent or received anything like this – more typical is that my parents send me a “congrats” card, my husband “takes me out” (we share financials so it’s really “this is an excuse to splurge together on a fun dinner”), and friends give enthusiastic congrats by phone or text or maybe we go out for a drink.

      • Anonymous

        Same. My in-laws sent me flowers when I got a scholarship to law school a zillion years ago (they were so stinking proud it was adorable). For everything since then, it’s congratulatory text messages.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. I do it when it occurs to me and I feel like it. I don’t feel an obligation to do it all the time for everything for every one. That’s guilt you’re inventing

    • anne-on

      I do it but rarely, maybe 3-4 times in the last few years? It was for either very good friends (bridesmaids) or close family. I went with a small company that puts together gift boxes and handwritten notes (that you dictate/type out) so they had something consumable (less stuff) but also a memento.

    • Anon

      I do it occasionally for friends and often for the in-laws. None of us need any “stuff” but it’s nice to feel acknowledged/celebrated. Honestly if it didn’t cost $100+ each time, I would do it more often.

    • Anon

      Yes, I do this all the time. I send flowers to my friends for significant achievements, birthdays (especially if they’ve been a little down), single mom friends on hallmark days that might be tough. My crowd also sends them to me, so pretty common in my life and I highly recommend it – always brightens my day.

    • anon

      I do this for my close girlfriends, absolutely. Sometimes it’s fancy champagne, sometimes flowers, sometimes a book on a subject I think they would like. Like another poster, I also have an extensive collection of stationery and often send notes for occasions or just because so this does not seem like an unusual extension of that.

      • Anon

        Similar – sometimes I’ll send cozy socks, a mug, or a card with candy. People really appreciate getting mail even if it’s not an elaborate gift.

    • AttiredAttorney

      I bought a Bouqs subscription and use it to celebrate friends and family for these types of things. You get one bouquet a month and can change who it’s delivered to. It works out to about $40/delivery, which is perfect to celebrate things like work and life wins and forces me to stop each month and think about who I want to recognize/celebrate. If there isn’t something to celebrate, I’ll send “just because” flowers to an elderly family member or friend.

    • Anon

      My sister is great about doing this. She has done it for a couple of occasions for me (not birthdays not anniversaries) and I was really so surprised and touched.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1 my SIL’s love language is gifts – specifically gift-giving. She’s amazing.

    • Cb

      I just started a new job and 2 of my friends sent postbox flowers (Bloom and Wild for UK folks) and it was the kindest thing. Another friend sent a little flag cake when I got my citizenship.
      I really would like to be better about commemorating people’s occasions.

      • Carla

        Yeah I’ve decided I’m going to do it more often. It doesn’t need to be $100+ flowers, but once my friend UberEats sent me donuts for a smaller work thing and it made me feel cared for. I send stuff to my younger sister all the time. As long as its a more reasonable amount and not a financial problem for you, I think its nice. I also think its good to acknowledge smaller occasions, like a promotion at work or big presentation or citizenship, not just wedding/graduation/thats basically it.

        Love the flag cake!

    • PLB

      Yes, I send and like to receive small gifts for accomplishments and pick-me-ups, as does my inner circle of friends. For what it’s worth, giving and receiving gifts are my dominant love language.

    • Anon

      My friends, far from big city upper class working group like to send flowers for lots of reasons, including professional milestones, and also sometimes just because. It’s very sweet.

    • Anon

      I try and make a point of doing this.

      A number of years ago, a friend pointed out that we still celebrate women’s achievements related to getting married and procreating far more than their professional achievements. That’s something that has stuck with me.

      So we did once throw a PhD shower (We signed a copy of her dissertation as the gift book)… and I really try and send at least an equal number of cards/little surprises for professional/educational achievements as I do for weddings and babies. I love a good excuse to celebrate.

    • Coach Laura

      I send flowers to my daughter, as she’s off doing travel nurse ICU contracts for the pandemic. I sent them when she had a beloved patient die (back in the NICU) and when she got an interview to her highly competitive doctoral program. I’ve sent them to two girlfriends when they got their Masters degree and one when she got hired as a school principal. So I love it. But then I don’t have 20 friends so it’s not a big imposition.

    • Ses

      This has convinced me to step up a bit on my giving of this type of gifts. Thanks for all the responses and good examples of what to give.

  5. Anon

    My new job wants proof that my husband needs to be on my insurance. He quit working several years ago to be a caregiver for a medically frail parent. So, no unemployment, or part-time paychecks, or children to raise. What am I supposed to do, pose him on the couch with some Cheeto dust?

    • Carla

      Yeah that’s weird – it’s proving a negative. Idk is there something from your taxes that show he did t earn money? Seems unlikely

      • Anon

        If he did earn $ or didn’t or was in a coma the whole year, I think that a spouse is a spouse. You should only need to show that you are married (but I’ve never had to offer proof, my word and updated W-4 were sufficient although at the time it was also known in the office that I had gotten married).

        • anon

          this is becoming more common. employers don’t want to pay for non-employee health care– its a big expense. so they only provide it if it can’t be gotten elsewhere. (yes, this is something they are allowed to do). This is yet another reason why tying health insurance to jobs is INSANE.

    • Anon

      Huh? I’ve never heard of that. Like if a person is of the right status (spouse / Domestic Partner where that is a thing under state or local law or a child, you get to add them as of right). The only thing I’ve seen be definitionally dicey is a child who lives in your house who is not your biological child (e.g., stepchild where the other spouse is the biological parent, other relative or informal arrangement, etc.).

      I think that the complicated answer is the employee benefits are governed by a plan and that plan is governed by ERISA and there is probably an official legal reason why this doesn’t seem to regularly happen. [Often I’ve been asked if a spouse / child is covered by other insurance, which I think is fair, but not why they may not have coverage through their work / the other parent.]

      • Cat

        Same. Most spouses aren’t added because of pure financials (spouse purchasing coverage through their own employer is typically less expensive in premiums than you adding spouse to your plan) but I’ve never heard of a “require proof that your spouse can’t purchase” prereq…

        • Anon

          Also, some employers don’t provide a plan of their own, so you just have to go on the market (which IMO is never as good as a group rate, even if unsubsidized). Like if you work for yourself or a small business or do something like be a nanny. Also, if you switch jobs, you may have to wait 90 days or so to be able to sign up for benefits like health care at your new job (once I had to wait year to do a 401k, my spouse had to wait 90 days to join health insurance so I signed up for coverage for him for that window which was hugely more expensive than getting it through his new job once he was eligible and I guess somewhat subsidized).

        • Anon

          It may be a working spouse surcharge. HR should provide more info as to what proof is needed.

        • Walnut

          A bit of a sidebar, but do many people have spouses on separate insurance? My husband and I have had six or seven jobs between the two of us and we’ve always kept both of us (and later our children) on the same insurance policies. It’s always been financially beneficial to keep us all together and certainly makes scheduling appointments and deductible tracking more convenient. Maybe we’ve just been lucky that there hasn’t been a financial benefit to splitting up?

          • Anon

            Me.

            Spouse’s job costs nothing to add dependents and is very inexpensive (think like $300/quarter) for insurance. So he and our kiddos are on his insurance. The policies are very similar and only minor differences (e.g., specialty copay for me is $20, for him is $30, but ER visit for me is $150, for him is $50, etc.)

            However, if the spouse is able to get their own insurance through their job, they will not cover the spouse’s insurance. I’ll mention that 95% of spouses don’t work or work very part time in this industry. My insurance is like $80 a month for an individual or $500/month for a family, so it has always made financial sense. Logistically, sometimes annoying but worth the $.

          • Anon

            We did; each of our companies provided heavy subsidies to the employee alone, but not to a spouse or children. Therefore, going onto one policy would mean that we lost the subsidy (usually $500/month). For $6k a year, I’ll set up a different set of appointments.

          • Anon.

            We have. My husband’s individual premiums are really low, while my employer offers generous HSA contributions if I cover my kid under my plan (I get a family HSA contribution of $2k a year).
            Working spouse surcharges are extremely high for both of our plans.

            I actually designed a spreadsheet a few years ago calculating the bottom line amounts of out-of-pocket spend under different configurations (me alone + kid with spouse, him alone + kid with me, all of us under my plan vs. his plan). I included HSA contributions as a plus, even if we are saving them instead of really spending it on current healthcare expense.
            Then I overlayed 3 scenarious of annual spend: 1) below deductibles, 2) just above deductibles (but still within copay-applicable range), and 3) “catastrophic” spend, like needing surgery, hospital stays etc.
            This anaysis has told me that a family plan with all of us covered doesn’t make sense, since it’s easily $2k more expensive than having separate plans for me and my spouse.

          • Anonymous

            My husband and our daughter are on his company’s plan because it is cheaper to insure dependents on his plan than on mine. I am on my company’s plan because the premium is inexpensive for the employee (but expensive for dependents), and even with a separate deductible and out-of-pocket max it comes out to be less expensive than paying the premium plus employed spouse surcharge for me to be on my husband’s plan.

          • Senior Attorney

            We’re on separate insurance. We married late in life and he has Medicare plus supplemental coverage through his business, and I have good government-employer insurance and it didn’t seem to make sense to combine. We will definitely combine when I retire, though, because I have great retirement health insurance benefits.

          • Anonymous

            We are. It’s significantly cheaper for each of us to be on our own employer’s plan than for one to join the other. (No kids)

          • Cat

            If you don’t have kids it is highly unlikely that it’s less expensive for one spouse to carry the other. My premium triples, not doubles, to add a spouse.

          • Anon

            I’ve almost never been on the same insurance with my spouse. We generally use our own employer’s health plan, and then put the kids wherever it’s more cost effective. Tends to be my husband’s plan as he’s always been in healthcare.

            At my last employer, basic health coverage was actually free for the employee (we had copays but no monthly premiums) but exorbitantly expensive for any dependents.

            Now my husband is retired and on Medicare + a supplemental benefit provided by his final employer. I’m now self employed and on a marketplace plan. Kids are both in college and I was planning to buy the college healthcare plan for them, but it turns out it’s cheaper & better coverage to include them on my plan. (Covered California is just one more reason I am really happy to be a Californian right now)

          • anon

            My husband and child are on a separate insurance. My employer provides me with a high-deductible insurance plan benefit, but does not subsidize coverage of spouses and dependents. Because of the average age of group members on my employer’s plan, adding my dependents to my employer’s high deductible plan would be about $18K per year. Their premiums on the individual market for a low deductible plan from the same insurance company are $12K per year.

          • anon

            +1 to anon at 11:57. My spouse and kids are on one insurance and I am on my employer’s. It would be nuts for me to sign up for my DH’s insurance since my employer almost completely pays my monthly premium. Our whole family is on BCBS PPO so we have the same network of providers anyway, no additional hassle that I’ve ever encountered.

          • Walnut

            Thanks everyone – my assumptions stand corrected! The US health system never fails to blow my mind.

    • Anon

      I’ve never seen that request before. Either way, I’d just sent a statement that spouse does not hold employment outside of the home.

    • Anonymous

      Tell them “my husband is unemployed and I am his only source of insurance. What type of evidence were you looking for.”

    • Digby

      It sounds like they have a “working spouse” rule – if your spouse is employed/has coverage elsewhere, they either can’t be on your coverage, or maybe you have to pay extra to have them on your coverage. Some employers do this under the guise of “It’s not fair to our company if we’re picking up health costs that should be borne by other employers.”

      As to proof – you should ask your HR/benefits person, since it’s hard to prove a negative. I’ve worked at places where we just made the employee and spouse sign a form stating that the spouse isn’t employed/doesn’t have other coverage. But I like your photo idea!

    • Anon

      At my first law firm job, you had to submit a signed form stating that your spouse didn’t have access to other employer-provided coverage.

      • EB

        Yes, this what I had to do as well. It was a really simply statement. This is a pretty common thing, but it’s really bizarre they didn’t explain how to provide the proof!!

    • Ses

      I’ve just sent proof of the relationship for this sort of thing, never proof of non-coverage.

    • Anonymous

      I would ask HR what kind of proof they require. My husband’s company adds a surcharge for spouses who are eligible for insurance through their own employers. When I was in grad school and needed to be on his plan, one of us just had to sign some sort of form attesting that I wasn’t eligible through my part-time job. Then every year the insurance company would automatically deny my first claim so I would have to call them and confirm that I didn’t have other insurance.

    • Anon

      In the US, there is no requirement under the ACA that an employer provide spousal health care coverage for its employees. Some employers don’t provide it. Some provide it based solely on the legal relationship while others only provide it if the employee’s spouse does not have access to their own employer-provided coverage. OP’s employer clearly falls in the last camp, and should be able to tell OP what documentation is required, so yes to the earlier suggestion to ask HR.

    • Senior Attorney

      This reminds me of something I saw on Twitter over the weekend: A vendor asked somebody for proof the package had not arrived, and the person sent a photo of their empty hands.

    • Audreycat

      I had a job like this once (have house husband, it’s great)… I gave them a photocopy of my marriage certificate and they shut up.

  6. Anon

    Camping is great! Campfire beer had me up several times overnight Friday to the point where I wondered how annoying hearing my zippers (sleeping bad, first layer of tent, fly layer of tent) was to my group. At least I was tenting alone (so not stepping over anyone or waking them while turning on the headlamp), and I had my daily beer before dinner rather than so late on Saturday, but while no one said anything, I worry that someone who regularly gets up 2x/night to pee may become persona non grata camping. [Can this pandemic please be over? Would love to go back inside to socialize or back to attached bathrooms with no zipper noise concerns.]

    • Anonymous

      One beer had you waking up several times in the night? Like. Camping wise you’re fine no one cares. But you might want to speak to your doctor.

    • Ribena

      If someone is already asleep, a zip opening shouldn’t wake them up. Don’t worry about it!
      (I was kept awake by 3am drumming circles last time I was camping, so…)

    • Anonymous

      This is truly not an issue. Don’t spend even one more minute worrying about it! Just have fun. You’re doing this for fun, right?

      • Anon

        I went camping last weekend too! And I promise you I wouldn’t have heard anyone unzipping their tent. Mayyybe loud stomping or bear noises ruffling my own tent, but other people’s tent opening would not have even been a blip on my radar.

    • Anonymous

      Oh, look, it’s our pandemic anxiety camping poster again.

      Noise at night is expected while camping. Your friends will deal with it.

    • Anon

      It’s a non issue. Anyone distressed about hearing a zipper at a campsite has bigger underlying issues.

    • Anonymous

      This concept that you have to take to the woods every weekend to see people is a bit extreme to me. Is there not some place you can meet up outside or gather for beers around a fire pit and then go back home?
      But as to the zippers, I would try to be quiet but no one should be upset about that. It is normal.

        • Anonymous

          It sounds like she does. But also, she said specifically that she wants the pandemic to end so she can see people inside or just use an attached bathroom. And she is clearly a person who took up camping due to the pandemic and it gives her a lot of anxiety because she has no idea how to do the new things. She is anxious about wearing the wrong thing, bringing the wrong food, or making the wrong noises at the wrong time, and fears she will be banished from the group for any of these small missteps, leaving her to be alone in isolation.

          • Anonymous

            I think OP likes camping (I do too! It’s great!), but yes, is suffering from anxiety about this and other issues. OP, please take the comments here to heart and see if you can get some treatment for anxiety. You deserve to have fun, real fun, without being anxious about doing or saying the wrong thing. Camping can be SO glorious and relaxing if you let it.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a light sleeper and this would probably wake me up, but I would not be annoyed with you about it. Late night bathroom use is 100% expected, especially if there’s beer involved. Unless you like fall into someone’s tent, shine lights directly into tents, shout/scream/sing/talk loudly to yourself/woodland creatures/ghosts on your way to and from the bathroom, or generally make a ruckus, you’re fine. (And yes all of these things have happened during camping trips over the years.)

      • Curious

        +1, this. And I don’t know why people are calling you so anxious. Zippers are so loud in the woods and I wince every time I have to get out and go!

          • Curious

            Not where we camp (backcountry PNW), but I hear you for where I mostly camped growing up (shared campsites in the Midwest).

    • LaurenB

      “I worry that someone who regularly gets up 2x/night to pee may become persona non grata camping.”

      Let me just share an anecdote. Friend A and I carpooled together to visit Friend B’s lake house this weekend. Friend A drove. On the way back, I got violently carsick (I suspect I might have had a reaction to some food I ate, though I didn’t eat any known allergens) and Friend A had to pull over so I could throw up. We then continued to Friend A’s house (where my car was) where I threw up again in her bathroom, composed myself, drank some water and then once I felt better drove home. Do you know how much worry that I have that I am now a persona non grata for events with her? None. She’s my friend, I got sick, that’s how life works. No one is going to think twice about someone having to get up to go to the bathroom. I just can’t with this excess worry / anxiety over nothing.

      • LaurenB

        (And yes, all 3 of us are vaxed, live in fully vaxed households, and are / have been Covid cautious.)

    • Also Anon

      The reality is, sometimes we have to get up and pee a few times. Sometimes it’s because you’ve been drinking, sometimes you’ve just had a lot of water, sometimes you’re body’s just trying to drop some extra water it’s retained for one reason or another. Even if you were sharing a cabin and sleeping indoors, you’d still be opening and closing doors and flushing the toilet! Best you can do is avoid making unnecessary noises, and whatever noises you do need to make, do your best to soften those noises when that’s feasible.

      There are probably some obnoxious, inconsiderate behaviors that could make people not want to camp with you, but I think having to pee in the middle of the night isn’t one of them.

  7. anon

    Have any stomach sleepers successfully converted to sleeping on your side or back? I’ve always been a stomach sleeper but lately I think it’s been aggravating my lower back. I have an old pregnancy pillow that I use sometimes but generally end up twisted half on my stomach, half on side, if that makes sense. How do I force myself to change a lifetime of sleeping on my stomach?!

    • Allie

      I did this in early pregnancy (so before there was bump to force the matter). The only thing that worked for me was to prop me up with pillows (the normal kind not the pregnancy kind) on both sides while I slept on my side. YMMV though because I went back to partial stomach sleeping when I was done with nursing.

    • Anon

      I did! I started putting tiny jaw clips in my hair at the temples. Lying onto them is super painful and forces me to flip over, even without fully waking me up. A row of two or three on each side will do it, and you can change the angle depending on how much you want to allow your head to roll.

      I originally did it to stay off my ear to heal a stubborn cartilage piercing, but later kept it up when I developed sciatica.

    • Jeffiner

      I had shoulder surgery and had to sleep on my side with my arm propped up by pillows for six weeks. Like Allie, I put pillows on both sides of myself to prop myself up. It was super annoying at first (as was the shoulder recovery), but after that six weeks, I never went back to stomach sleeping. It’s been over 10 years now.

    • Cb

      I put a yoga bolster under my knees but like you, I often end up weirdly contorted on my stomach.

    • Anonymous

      YES! I managed to do this. I slept the same way as you did (it’s basically a yoga stretch and I used to feel like it released tension in my back).

      I started with sleeping on my side with a pillow between my legs, and then moved to sleeping on my back with a pillow under my knees. When I made the transition I used a weighted blanket so that my stomach would not feel so exposed. I also needed a new pillow that better supported side, and then back sleeping.

      I basically just started trying it on days I was super exhausted and it was easy to fall asleep, and then started doing it more and more.

      I did eventually have a medical event where I had to wear a device overnight that precluded stomach sleeping and was glad I had transitioned mostly out of stomach sleeping earlier.

  8. Horse Crazy

    I had my third surgery with the same doctor last week – she has truly been the most wonderful doctor and human, and the surgeries she’s done have been life changing. I want to get her something to say thank you – what should I do? I’m not sure if she drinks alcohol or not, so maybe not that. I’d also like to send something to the nurses in the surgery center, who were so nice and supportive during the 4-hour delay that took place before my surgery (the procedure before mine had a lot of complications) . Suggestions for thank yous for both the doctor and nurses would be greatly appreciated.

    • X

      I had emergency surgery at the height of covid and everyone was amazing. For nurses and staff I sent a basket of muffins and a stack of Starbucks cards. For the surgeon, I knit a hat and scarf.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I’d send a note to the doctor and food for the staff. Probably a tray of bagels and breakfast pastries.

      • Anonymous

        Ditto! Also, track down the various doctor ranking sites and leave a glowing review.

    • PandemicDoc

      Write an email to the patient advocate (the email address/phone number usually used for complaints) explaining in detail all the care that went so well for you and using as many names as you know. It is rare, particularly for nursing staff, to get formal appreciation from patients and so it will go into their promotions packages. As a doc myself, this is what I do to show appreciation for amazing care and is the thing patients can do for me that means the most.

      • Walnut

        I asked the person who checks me in the best way to share recognition for a doctor/nurse/admin staff for a department that performed absolute backflips to escalate care. She was happy to share the contact info for their upper management and also produced a form/envelope to drop my comments into the internal mail. It was a great use of ten minutes while sitting in the waiting room.

    • Anonymous

      Definitely a thank you note or email—they are very much appreciated over everything else.

    • NYNY

      A sincere thank you note to the surgeon is truly meaningful. And agree that food for the nursing staff is the right choice. Because of covid protocols, most healthcare employers are forbidding shared food, so look for individually wrapped items instead of communal baskets/boxes.

    • LaurenB

      For the surgeon — positive reviews on whatever doctor-review websites you find her listed on.

    • Coach Laura

      If you send food, do make sure that it is individually wrapped. Both my kids are in healthcare, different hospitals/states and shared food is still forbidden due to covid.

      • Elegant Giraffe

        OP if you are still reading, Insomnia Cookies are individually wrapped. Learned that tip here when asking a similar question about a year ago :)

  9. ISO Powder

    I’m in the market for a new loose powder. I usually use Thrive’s loose powder but they have been out of stock. I have combination skin. Any recommendations?

    • Anon

      Laura Mercier makes the gold standard loose powder.

      But actually I now like the baked powder from Kosas, which I know wasn’t what you asked as it’s a cake, not loose but still, it’s great. . Apply very lightly with a loose brush.

    • anne-on

      Just to set/reduce shine? The absolute cheapest best powder I use is the innisfree no sebum mineral powder, its like $6? $8?. You need a big fluffy brush but this stuff is amazing – controls shine for hours and hours.

  10. Anon for sick leave

    Anybody who can walk me through FMLa v disability? A parent is going through some health stuff, and had plenty of sick leave to take. But the employer wants the parent to fill out fmla paperwork – does fmla only help protect the job while the parent uses up sick leave? Is there a catch?
    The other option HR offered was short term disability, but that would result in 60% pay, while the sick leave will stay unused.
    Can the parent file for fmla, use up (get paid) for sick leave during this time, until sick leave is used up?

    • Anonymous

      This depends on their employers policies and state law on sick time. Employers can and often do require sick leave and FMLA to run concurrently

    • Anonymous

      FMLA protects the job. When I was out for three months, I did a combination of sick leave and short term disability so that I received all of my pay check for the entire three months.

    • Anon

      The FML will provide job protections while using FML, and allows the employee to use available leave so that the FML is paid time off. After the 12 weeks (or equivalent if the employee is using leave intermittently) are up, the FML job protections disappear, although the employer can’t retaliate against an employee for using FML, and there may still be protections due to an employee’s disability. In a year, the employee would be eligible for a new FML, but the year can be counted in different ways. There is no federal requirement that an employee must be kept on the payroll because they have accrued sick leave that would extend past a 12 week FML. The employer is asking for FML paperwork because that is on the employer, under the FMLA, once the employer has reason to know of circumstances that may be FML-qualifying.

      • EB

        +1 to all of this. As the employer, they are obligated to provide FML leave when they learn the employee may need it. It is protected leave that can run concurrently with other types of leave. There’s no catch, and the person above explained it really well. You can also look at the DOL’s information for employees on the website, I think there is a fact sheet, or downloadable booklet.

      • Cat

        I know this is helpful advice but I have to say, shortening the acronym to FML means it is impossible to read any way that’s not “f my life” the whole way through :)

    • Digby

      FMLA protects the job and health coverage for the duration of the FMLA leave, provided the employee continues to pay their share of health premiums.

      The scenario you suggested – parent applies for FMLA and uses sick leave while on FMLA – should be fine. In fact, it may be what the employer requires – they can specify that FMLA must run concurrently with sick/disability leave.

  11. Anon

    Local cousins who are COVID shot avoiders (and yet frequent FB posters for all of their band practices, bar ventures, sporting events, girls weekends, flights, etc.) are on our last nerves (we got shots and gave up eating inside due to a kid who is still not old enough to get the shot and pretty just just go to work and come home; I’d love to go back to the gym since it dark when I have free time now). The sad news is that if they get it, they will bring a ton of people down with them. Spouse (his cousin) is convinced they will never get it. My $ is on the first week of December (after lots of college football and bar gigs for their band and Thanksgiving in Myrtle Beach). Stay tuned!

    • Anonymous

      You are not spending time with these people, right? Snooze them on Facebook and ignore.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I think we are all going to contract COVID-19 sooner or later. I think those who are vaccinated will fare better, and that has been true so far with the breakthrough cases among people I know personally.

      • Anon

        I sincerely hope this isn’t true since there are so many high risk people who won’t be well protected by their vaccinations.

          • Anon

            Then can we not hope that we’ll reach a level of saturation where it won’t be constantly circulating, so that the people who will die if they get it can be protected and maybe can even one day leave isolation again?

          • anon

            Yes, of course we can. At that point, Covid will be endemic, and the pandemic will be declared over. It’s not “over” when there’s no more Covid circulating in the general population, or when there are zero deaths from Covid. It’s over when we reach a point where it circulates on a seasonal basis at rates and with effects that don’t overwhelm hospitals and are generally considered acceptable to society.

    • Anonymous

      My opinion: anyone who declines to get the shot should also decline to go to the hospital if and when they fall ill with severe COVID. Since apparently taking an unscientific stand is of the utmost importance to them, they should certainly decline clinical care to be consistent. It’s the absolute height of selfishness and hypocrisy to demand the best of care and resources to save your own skin, regardless of the risk you pose to doctors and nurses forced to care for you. They can’t refuse to treat you (and I do not believe they should be able to), but what better way to “not live in fear” than to stay home and recover (or not) quietly? #freedom

      • Anon

        The people in my life who won’t be vaccinated also want to decline hospital care. They say that the hospitals are killing people with remdesivir and ventilators, and they’re talking about starting new hospitals where you’re treated with ivermectin and placquenil by nurses who also refused vaccination.

        • Anon

          Hahaha right – but when they can’t breathe, and that is what will happen, you know they’re going to haul ass to the regular hospital and demand top of the line care. Indeed, that is what is already happening every day right now.

          • Anon

            I guess it depends on how much trouble they’re having breathing? One person I’m thinking of has been really struggling with the shortness of breath, but has stayed home through it all (which worried me). I agree that there’s always a 911 threshold for most people, but it’s not where it would fall for me, that’s for sure.

        • No Face

          I’ve read stories about people demanding that their loved ones be removed from actual hospitals so they can “treat” them with ivermectin and other stuff they’ve read about on the internet. People are deep into the conspiracy theories.

    • Anon

      I’ve been reading reports of hospitals overwhelmed with unvaccinated patients having to ration care. I feel so awful for the medical staff forced to make these decisions, and for so may people who will not get the best care for non-covid medical conditions because of this situation, and also for those who bought into the social media disinformation campaigns. So much unnecessary suffering!

      I blame a lot of people and things, but high on the list is the greed and selfishness and stupidity of social media companies (esp Facebook) who design algorithms that promote disinformation because it helps their bottom line.

      • Anon

        I have a request for some legit science. I know people in my area who I thought were too smart to fall for it that they insist that they personally know people who died (J&J clots) or almost died from complications of the shots. [The hospitals are full of COVID people, not people reacting to the shots; I got the shots and got them for my children who were very unlikely to die but we do our part because that is what I strongly feel is required of a good citizen in society.] At any rate, is there an official source with legit stats on this? It has one relative hesitating on Shot #2.

        • Anonymous

          There are all sorts of “official” sources with “legit stats.” Your vaccine-hesitant relative isn’t going to be convinced by logic and science.

        • anonshmanon

          the CDC says the following:
          More than 390 million doses of COVID-19 vaccines were administered in the United States from December 14, 2020, through September 27, 2021. During this time, VAERS received 8,164 reports of death (0.0021%) among people who received a COVID-19 vaccine. FDA requires healthcare providers to report any death after COVID-19 vaccination to VAERS, even if it’s unclear whether the vaccine was the cause. Reports of adverse events to VAERS following vaccination, including deaths, do not necessarily mean that a vaccine caused a health problem. A review of available clinical information, including death certificates, autopsy, and medical records, has not established a causal link to COVID-19 vaccines.

          For context: the VAERS database is open to entries from the public and entries are not verified, therefore you need to take data with a grain of salt. Eg. I looked up deaths from any of the available covid vaccines, and there are deaths listed for 1921, 2001, 2010 and 2014. This is the database that misinformation about soaring deaths typically cites. Here is an explainer article https://www.muhealth.org/our-stories/scary-reports-deaths-following-covid-19-vaccination-arent-what-they-seem

    • Anonymous

      Okay? You can’t control other people. I would just avoid them and not spend much time thinking about them and their activities. I am not sure what monitoring and judging their behavior accomplishes.

      • Cat

        Yeah I have a few relations that are anti-vaxxers and believe that essential oils are all you need for a healthy immune system. They were unfollowed approx. March 18th 2020 and not missed…

    • Anon

      Honestly, it’s October 2021, vaccines are plentiful, so are booster shots even. People who skipped vaccines up until this point have been running around town and vacationing without a care for well over a year. Please stop giving them any of your attention or expecting them to adjust their lives. They’ve shown you who they are a million times over by now. Move on.

  12. Anonymous

    I wish this blazer came in black crepe! The cut is very similar to that of a Veronica Beard blazer I don’t want to spend $700 on.

    • Anonymous

      I totally don’t understand either those jackets or this. It looks shrunken, and the non-functional band jacket buttons descending gently from the chest region are absurd.

      • Anonymous

        Those are the precise reasons I like the jacket–it approximates the look of the oversized double-breasted blazers that look ridiculous on my petite frame.

      • Anon

        Yes, it’s not a good fit on the model which shows it would also look silly on my long arms and long torso.

        Those pants remind me of the black parachute plastic-y tracksuit pants we wore over leotards to dance class in the 90’s, affectionately called garbage bag pants as they looked like wearing black bin liners.

        I usually adore tweed and boucle jackets, I have a boucle one with unfinished edges from 2004 that I’m longing to get out if I ever leave the house again.

  13. Anon

    Has anyone (for themselves, sibling, or a kid) had no success with getting medication to help alleviate ADHD (which is the primary inattentive type), particularly in a girl? We have a diagnosis and testing and a good psychiatrist (after our first ped played a whack-a-mole for a couple of years) and our current ped said that this requires more of an expert after seeing so many fails before. I understand (mainly from boy parents) that when you find the right med, it’s night and day, and we’ve never seen that. Our most recent outing with Adderall (stimulant) just resulted in the kid not sleeping at night even on the lowest dose (kid is not small, so I doubt it’s a dosage thing; ideal dosage for her weight was likely 3x the dose she was on). The psychiatrist said that maybe the DX isn’t spot-on or maybe we just need something from a different family (all of which may be true, but we’ve been at this for 4-5 years now and I don’t want to give up, but I feel like my poor kid is now a science experiment and maybe no one really understands this in girls).

    • Anonymous

      If the doctor is suggesting a different family of medications, why not try it? Also, who did the evaluation and how long ago? Was there simultaneously an evaluation for anxiety, which can present similarly in girls?

    • Trixie

      Many times finding the right medication for ADHD is a matter of a number of trials. You will know pretty quickly, so it is not too bad. Most kids who take stimulants take them early in the day, and if it is a short acting med, they can get to sleep. But to cover the school day, often a long acting medication is in order. If that is the case, many doctors add in 1st, melatonin, and then perhaps Klonopin or something similar to help with sleep. I have two sons with ADHD, now grown up, and for both of them it was trial and error, short and long acting drugs, sleep aids or not, for a long time. It was worth it, they both did well in school, and one continues to take medications at the age of 29, as needed. Don’t give up, and your daughter is not a science experiment, she is a wonderful unique person who needs something specific that you will help her find.

      • Anon

        Thanks — kiddo has no behavior issues (which drives I think more boys to meds and may result in more dramatic changes) and does well (but perhaps underachieves due to losing focus and what I’d call mental fatigue) or well enough for the school not to seem to care very much about what assists other than meds might be more appropriate.

        I’ve known people with sleeping med addictions, so I would be really nervous about that given our family history with them. But if a kid reports that something isn’t working or they don’t feel any different (other than being awake at 2am) and isn’t super young (like north of 10), I think you take them at their word. If not, I’m not really sure if any of this is knowable (and at school, she’d not be doing from an F to an A, more like a series of zeros, a series of 100s, and a few 80s averaging out to a low B, the erraticness is more of a concern but maybe it’s just a sign of attention drift; she’s never been one to have an 82 with everything tightly clustered around that).

        • anne-on

          Just curious, but have you also (or concurrently) done executive functioning skills therapy and gotten her in-school supports? Your sentence about the school ‘not caring’ will not fly if you have a formal diagnosis and support suggestions – you are generally entitled to an IEP and support (sadly of course you may have to fight for it). I found the articles/webinars by ADDitude magazine very helpful in terms of suggestions for older kids and those with the inattentive type diagnosis vs. the more hyper side of the spectrum.

        • anon

          Do consider getting a 504 plan for your daughter, if she doesn’t have one already. This will require your school to give her additional supports. Meds are one tool, but they are not the total answer, as you know. It’s shocking to me how little schools know about ADHD. This is not some rare condition.

    • BeenThatGuy

      My sister is going through this now with her 12 year old daughter. It’s my understanding that there are hundreds of different medications to treat ADD and ADHD. The one my niece is on for the last 6 weeks has turned her into a monster (personality wise). The whole house is in tears every morning by 7am trying to deal with her. They have an appointment next week to try another medication. I’m praying switching meds helps her and your daughter too. You’re not alone.

    • Anon

      In my family and social circle, inattentive girl ADHD most often seems to get prescribed Vyvanse.

    • Anon

      My understanding is that ADHD can involve dopamine, norepinephrine, or acetylcholine levels, or any combination thereof. And there aren’t even any on-label meds for acetylcholine yet. Basically this is very much still a work-in-progress in medicine.

    • anon

      I have a son who takes ADHD medication. There are so many ADHD meds out there. Recently, after years of being on the same one, his doctor suggested that we do a DNA-based test to see which classes of medications were a good match for his biomarkers. Turns out, the one he’s on is a good one for him, but it gave me some peace of mind to know that if we need to switch, we at least have a starting point for which ones to try. My understanding is that it is not a foolproof test, but again, it at least points you in a general direction.

      I feel for you. The medication roulette is not easy. I don’t know nearly as much about ADHD in girls, but I suspect it will take some trial and error, unfortunately.

    • anon

      I have a boy with ADHD. He’s been on medication for 2-3 years, but he was eligible for a new family of medications in April. Since April, we’ve had monthly appointments with our psychiatrist, trying to find the correct dosage and schedule of the correct medications. It’s a lot of trial and error, and the restrictions on getting Schedule II drugs make the process particularly frustrating. Don’t give up! And, yes, these are powerful drugs that often have significant side effects. Each child should be treated individually, so each one is like their own little science experiment–that’s a positive thing and a sign of good care.

    • Nesprin

      There’s a huge a huge range in how people with ADHD present and what’s necessary to be functional/productive. Both I and a close friend also class as a “double label” type, both gifted (now PhD’s) and intellectually disabled. He’s the more classic “class clown” type, where I was a space cadet. For him, especially in his early years 6-12, drugs were a big part of keeping him focused/functional. I didn’t have much luck with the drugs available in the 90’s- I dropped 10lbs on ritalin, which was a good reason to stop for me. I honestly didn’t feel different on the meds- biggest for me were enough exercise, being saturated with the right sort of pens and school supplies, and accepting that I was never going to be an admin responsible for large collections of tasks or be great at proof reading etc.

      How old is your kid? I ask because if she’s >10, I’d give her a seat at the table about these decisions- asking how she felt on each med and whether she liked it. Worth also discussing the non-medication approaches (exercise being one of the biggest). Also worth discussing what “good enough” looks like for your kid- what does her success look like.

    • Anonymous

      You might want to look into something like Genesight to see if they can direct you to a certain class or whatever — my understanding is that they can’t tell you what to take or how much but they can tell you which ballparks to avoid and which to try.

      Also consider whether anxiety is a possibility for her inattentiveness — different meds entirely. Are you working with a neuropsych? That may help you out tremendously.

  14. Anonymous

    Does anyone else feel like you missed that day in school where you were supposed to learn how much things “should” cost? I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been on my own my entire adult life, it’s not as if I’m paying bills for the first time. Maybe I got set in my ways when I was 18 and now I expect things to cost exactly that amount for the rest of my life? Like to me, an oil change should cost $30. A movie ticket should be under $10. A nice silk blouse should never cost more than $75. I feel like I’m becoming my mother – when I was a kid she used to say a movie ticket plus popcorn and a soda should cost a dime, how can a ticket along possibly cost $5 or whatever. I’m not old like she was then, how on earth have things gotten so expensive all of a sudden?

    • Cornellian

      I have to remind myself of inflation all the time. I think most people sort of get “frozen” in prices when they were young adults, maybe 18-23, and expect things to stay that price. I still think a cheap, drink-at-home bottle of wine should be 10 dollars, but 10 dollars in 2007 when I started drinking is 13-14 now.

      • Cornellian

        More concretely, since 1 dollar then is like 1.31 now, and I am no longer earning 7 dollars an hour, I sometimes multiply by 1.5 to convince myself something is reasonable.

      • OP

        Wine is such a good example. Two buck chuck was great! See also, a 6 pack of craft beer should be like $8, just over $1/beer.

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh, man! I didn’t drink for, like, 15 years when I was married to my second husband, and there was some severe sticker shock when I started buying alcohol again. I thought cocktails should be $5, maybe $10 at a super fancy place, and it was a shock to find out that those were Happy Hour prices and full price was double that!

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s worse for our generation because we don’t see the salary gains of previous generations and the housing market (and college tuition) have dramatically outpaced the rate of inflation. We also have not had the benefit of a decent interest rate on a high-yield savings account, ever. When we’re getting paid these sh*tty static salaries and can’t afford anything, then yeah, inflation stings.

    • anon

      I have a long list mentally of how much things “should” cost. Leads to hilarity when I insist to my husband that a $30 old navy t-shirt is too expensive (over the “should” cost number in my head for Old Navy) while simultaneously carrying a $2000 handbag.

    • Jeffiner

      Why do things have an amount they “should” cost? Prices are constantly in flux, and they cost whatever vendors are able to get for them. I decide if a blouse is too expensive based both on its quality and my budget, but really you can find items all over the place in terms of cost.

    • Shelle

      If you catch the twilight showing the movie should only be 4 dollars! Ahhh I’m getting old :) I feel this post.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Awww now I miss seeing third-run movies at the dollar theater and then scouring the clearance rack at TJMaxx for the perfect $3 Roxy ringer tee* (I lived in Ohio).

        *I still do this

      • Cat

        what? I don’t think the poster misunderstands inflation, it’s just that you can still get sticker shock. Especially if it’s something you used to do regularly (like for me, go to the movies as a teen when they were $5 or so; I went probably every other weekend) and now only do very occasionally.

    • Sunshine

      I think this also applies if you have someone who is independent who cleans your house, mows your lawn, etc. I reminded myself that we needed to make sure we pay the woman who cleans our house more than we did a few years ago. She was not going to ask for the additional money, but just like I want a raise in my job, she does too. What was reasonable to pay someone 10 years ago is not a reasonable rate today.

      • anon

        It was only a few years ago that my husband noticed and informed his mom that she hadn’t given the pizza delivery guy a raise in 30 years. She was tipping $1. Once she thought about it, she adjusted her tip to inflation. At least she doesn’t order pizza often.

    • Formerly Lilly

      I honestly cannot figure out how the working poor afford groceries. Im an Old, and I still feel like I should be able to take a $20 bill to the grocery store and come away with a big old bag of food and household supplies, even though I rationally know that unless I subsist solely on rice and beans that’s not happening.

      • Anonymous

        They often rely on food pantries. I used to volunteer at one. The amount of people who would show up in their Dunkin Donuts or Dollar Tree work shirt was staggering.

    • Anon

      I struggle with the distinction between inflation-inflation and lifestyle inflation. For example, 15 years ago, I could buy a week’s worth of groceries for $35. Now it costs twice that. Is it because I am buying nicer groceries or because groceries cost a lot more? If a restaurant meal out used to cost $15 with tax and tip ($10 entree, $2 drink, tax/tip), but now costs $25, are we going to better restaurants or does restaurant food cost a lot more?

      Both DH and I like to live well below our means and avoid lifestyle inflation, unless it’s something that makes us really happy. So it gets confusing to try to use our grad student days as a baseline: some stuff just costs a LOT more, but sometimes, we just can’t live like that anymore because we’re mid-career professionals (see, nicer mattresses, real furniture, etc.).

      • Anon

        Agreed! We are totally baffled by this. How are we suddenly spending $1k/month on groceries in a low-cost of living area?

    • Anon

      I notice it most with staples I buy in bulk, because those are the loss leaders I price shop. I will eternally be convinced that boneless skinless chicken breast “should” be less than $1.99 per pound.

        • Anon

          I’d be fine paying more for chicken etc if they internalized the costs of the externalities of those giant factory farms.

      • Anon

        As the price of wings keeps going higher and higher, I was hoping breast meat would become a cheap byproduct of wings…

        In reality it feels like all the cheap foods that we used to eat growing up because they were cheap have now become hip and spendy so nothing is actually all that cheap!

    • Anon

      The 2 that stick with me:

      1) $1.35 for a medium coffee at Dunkin’
      2) $0.99/gal for gas

      • Anonymous

        I paid over $5/gallon recently, but the usual rate in my area is $4.35-4.50 :(

    • Anon NYer

      Yeah I still think a slice of pizza and a can of soda should be $1.50. Same for a bagel with cream cheese plus a small coffee. I miss eating on $3 a day in HS and college!

    • CrowTRobot

      “I mean it’s one banana, Michael. What could it cost, 10 dollars?”

  15. anon

    I am working on fixing my posture. I have really hunched shoulders and a rounded back. Slouching is so much more comfortable! I feel so stiff and awkward when I try to correct my posture, like I’m a caricature of a queen. Also, I am just trying to will my posture into place by remembering to pull my shoulders back, but all of that goes out the window when I go to sleep. Has anyone that has corrected their posture have any advice?

  16. Paging SMC- San Diego

    SMC – San Diego, your words on this weekend’s post really spoke to me. Somehow older kids are harder and take a lot of time even though they can get their own snacks and do their own showers. Somehow I knew this when I had kids in diapers, but couldn’t put my finger on it (other than: bigger kid, bigger problems). Fast forward and I work mainly with guys who have no idea about any of this (maybe their wives do, but I never see them now that we have no work social events due to COVID). I feel so lost and yet I’m not sure what I should be aware of or doing. And I’ve been knocked back on my feet b/c school was shut last year and is just now reopened and I’m redlining / running on empty and need to reconnect with my female working mom peers (but they are in same boat). I feel really lost and that I’m failing my kids and would welcome any free-form advice you may care to drop in a comment.

    • anne-on

      So, I just raised this point on a working mom’s call at my job the other week, I did not expect it to get SO much harder as the kids got bigger. Like, they can shower alone! And get snacks! And (mostly) do homework solo! But they need you so much more emotionally (even when they claim they don’t) vs. babies who need more hands on care but less emotional work. I found 2 things really help me – make sure you have chunks of time when you are really focused on them (family dinners, family breakfast, the drive to school, etc.) so you can have chats/catch ups. Having mom friends with older kids is also amazing – it gives me a little peek into the next stages and what their wisdom/takeaways from my kids ages were.

      • LaurenB

        You know the old saying – little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Anyone can care competently for a baby; it’s when they are adolescent and older that they really take time.

    • edj3

      I naively thought once my kids were out of high school that I was done–yay, all good, now we get to all relax.

      And then my older son got married and that marriage hit the skids for a bit at the end of the first year, never really recovered and ended in a very painful, nasty divorce eight years later. My son leaned on me far more than his father/my ex, which surprised me as his dad tends to make all sorts of excuses for bad decisions. But yeah, he really did need me.

      So I can’t say it gets better, just different if that makes sense. I still think older/adult kids are the bomb, I was just surprised by them still needing their mom.

      • Monday

        I like this story. I bet he was going to you rather than to his Dad because he recognized that “excuses for bad decisions” weren’t going to be helpful!

      • Senior Attorney

        OMG one of the more horrifying realizations of my life is that there is no finish line when it comes to parenting. My son is in a great place at the moment but even so, just this weekend he dropped by for a little parental support.

          • Cat

            My mom’s advice to me on kids: “Make sure you really want them, because they never go away!” lol

          • Senior Attorney

            Haha, exactly! In fact, when he was living with us after grad school, I used to ask him “how can I miss you if you won’t go away?”

          • Anon

            My favorite illustration that the parenting worry doesn’t stop: my 90+ year old grandmother having a fit when her 60+ year old, widowed daughter decided to remarry because she thought she was rushing into things.

        • Cornellian

          I had the inverse of that realization recently. I’m 34 but have had no parents since I was a teenager, and navigating a marriage, divorce, childbirth and now a second wedding (yay!) without that input has really been something. I’m very jealous of my friends and have low tolerance for their bitching about their parents, ha.

          • anne-on

            This. Many friends are now losing fabulous loving parents, and watching them grieve has been hard because my parents, while not awful, are…not great bob. As my therapist said, you can mourn the (parental) relationship you wished you had while acknowledging that it is not your fault and you can’t magically manifest it. It sounds kind of ‘woo’ but I read into the idea of parenting yourself and tried to incorporate some of those insights, which helped.

      • anon

        How awesome that your adult son has been able to lean on you for support. I have a very hard time confiding in my parents. They’re not bad people or anything, but they’re also not very emotionally open and astute.

        • Senior Attorney

          It’s super awesome because at this point it goes both ways. He is an angel straight from heaven when it comes to helping deal with my very-elderly dad. (It also helps that he’s a trained psychotherapist!)

    • anon

      Right there with you. My oldest (11) is the most challenging kid in the house. His problems are bigger, the consequences are further reaching, and he no longer goes to bed at 8:00. Older kids have a knack for emotionally opening up during the hours you’re desperately wishing to go to bed. Older kids have practices and commitments before school and need somebody to get them there. I feel like I’m running on empty even though the physical parenting is obviously a lot easier than during the baby and toddler years. So many of my friends feel the same way, yet I’m the only one who has regular full-time working hours.

    • Anon

      as a mother of twin 3 year olds who have recently become impossible reading this is depressing since right now they are challenging and require a lot of help physically and are emotionally draining…that being said, i can already tell as they get older it becomes more about emotional problems that are a bigger deal which take up more parental headspace.

      • Seventh Sister

        I also think it depends on what you dislike the most. I really, really loathed the nonverbal toddler stage, and little kids were just so physically tiring that the first few years just feel like a blur.

        Maybe I’m living in a dreamworld / got really lucky, but as much as some of the tween / teen stuff sucks, some of it is actually quite wonderful. For instance, I went to an arthouse movie with my eldest, something I genuinely wanted to see (as opposed to Marvel movies where I’m redecorating the star’s house in my head and thinking about the really good indie they were in 10 years ago). It’s really nice to hand a kid $10 and say, “Go get a gallon of milk, I’m waiting in the parked car.” I don’t love the crying over math homework / schedules / how could you make me go early for my ballet class, but I’m hanging in there.

    • No Face

      My kids are little, but I definitely have heard the same from other working parents. My life is tiring, but my kids are asleep by 8pm – I have the night to relax or work, depending on what is going on. Older kids need help with advanced math, real emotional problems, intense activities that they care about, etc. Watching this dynamic was one of my main motivators for FIRE.

      One strategy I’ve noticed is successfully leaning out at this point rather than when kids are small, then leaning back in when kids are in college. Leaning out works better at this stage, because the working parent is often more senior and can command a decent salary for less intense work. There are several former BigLaw lawyers of both genders at my small, chill firm – not nearly as much money, but a much less intense lifestyle. Other lawyer options are clerking for a judge, taking a counsel position, government job, etc. Then, when the college phase hits, they work more to help with the costs.

      • Cornellian

        Agree 100%. Mine is 4, I’m 34, and I hope to cut to half-time or contract work or whatever in mid-childhood.

      • Anon

        I sort of hear you. At this point, I’m like the littlest angel, only it’s the “barely cleared the bar” version of whatever I’m doing. The rock star years are behind me (when my kids were in diapers). I hope to still be working in the college years but see how once I lose momentum, it may not naturally come back (like I am so tired, now that my kids are older, I took naps each day this weekend and am still so tired that it didn’t wreck my sleep).

    • Anon

      In my experience, there is a lot less readily available social support for parents as kids get older. When you 3-year-old won’t nap or whatnot, it’s not too hard to find other Moms who will commiserate and share their advice. But not so much when your 14-year-old is having a hard time. For one thing, discussing the issues starts to feel like an invasion of your teen’s privacy. For another, I think people start to feel more personally vulnerable – i.e. of course toddlers are difficult, but I must have done something wrong if my teenager is struggling.

      • Anon

        Cosign. The baby is supposed to be crying. Babies cry. That is what they do. The 15YO on the other hand . . .

        Also, in my state, you could leave a 10YO or 12YO kids alone (definitely even leave the 12YO in charge of younger kids, there is a law on that). So if you have a throwing-up 4YO kid, you have cover to miss work because you can’t leave them home alone. When you have a kid with a chronic ongoing issue, then there is eye-rolling and really no cover or concern at all. Like even if the kid could handle it, they can’t even drive themselves.

      • anon

        Yes, this. There is a lot of vulnerability in the older years, and less support even among friends and family. I hesitate before sharing even with close friends because my older kid’s problems are more personal and nuanced than potty training, sleep issues, and feeding. (Not saying those aren’t hard because they are! But they’re also pretty universal.) His story is his own; I completely cringe at the moms who are sharing their 12-year-olds’ inner worlds via a Facebook post. That seems super unfair to the kid.

        • Anonymous

          This. I would love to be able to speak openly with friends about issues my kid has that I know their kids have too, but I can’t bring myself to make my kid’s issues public in the same way that they do. It’s incredibly isolating.

        • Seventh Sister

          I agree! Sharing is hard, especially since the struggles are so individual, and it becomes more apparent that some kids are better than others at certain things. It is also SO HARD to let go of control, even though letting them flop around a little can be good thing (e.g., making my kid get a transcript copy for an application instead of immediately swooping in and doing it). Also some people with middle and high school kids get super competitive and act like every grade or activity is what’s going to separate the kids who will be A Success from the kids who will Fail At Life.

          • Anon

            Parental Hunger Games defitely feel like they are a thing; may delete social media once I’m not relying on FB as a way to stream school board meetings.

          • Seventh Sister

            Yeah, my daughter has this one friend whose mom just posts an unending stream of friend’s super perfection in all areas of life. They are both eighth graders and they are both…fine.

      • Anon

        I so agree with all this. My oldest is nine and I definitely feel out of my depths and a way that I didn’t feel when the kids were babies.
        I love the mom’s board, but I have a hard time sometimes because there are a lot of parents there with younger children who ask, “Tell me this gets easier!” and I just hear the voice inside me screaming, “The baby is the easy part!!!” But I don’t want to actually say that because a) I think everyone find themselves suited for different phases, and b) I feel like that would just be so discouraging when a new parent is just looking for support and a light at the end of the tunnel.

        • anon

          See, I have a hard time with the moms page because I just do not care about tiny-kid problems anymore. I feel for everyone at that stage, but I don’t have much to offer to those posts. The toddler stage was not my favorite. Plus, is there anything more annoying than a parent with older kids telling you how they did it?

          I wholeheartedly agree that we all have our strengths as parents, and we are better suited for some phases than others. Throw in the personalities of both the kids involved and the parents themselves, and it’s all so much more complex than it appears on the surface.

          To the original poster on Friday: While I have not officially cut back at work, I use my vacation time much more freely and without apology. And I care way less about how I might be perceived as a parent at the office. Instead of catching up on chores or whatever, I specifically add some slack into my schedule to spend time with my older kids, go to school events, and be present. I don’t love my job anymore, but I love the flex time it affords me, so I am sticking with it for now.

    • Anon

      I think you are likely doing a better job than you think. By writing this post, I can see that you care a lot. I’m not sure there is ever a time when things are easy. When kids are young you are trying to just keep them alive and well, but when they are older you to see how their development could impact their future (like how are they going to become fine, up-standing citizens if they can’t hack middle school). I try to keep one eye focused on the big picture and let some small stuff slide. Most of my teenage memories are about the times I spent with my friends and have little to do with my parents (even tho there were some serious health things happening there). Build in a few solid family traditions in your year and that does an amazing job of cementing family into their memories.

    • SMC - San Diego

      Sorry for the delayed response! I was not on-line today.

      From my perspective, as children get older that their problems become more individual (there are a million books on potty training; there are almost none on how to shepherd your pre-teen though middle school). And as someone said, as they get older and their problems become more personal, it is harder to reach out to a friend group for support. Add that the consequences for getting it wrong seem more severe and their problems are more complicated and it can be hard. For us late middle school and early high school were times of peak anxiety (clinical in her case). Plus, when she was a baby I dropped her off at day care and that was it. By high school, she had multiple after school activities/tutoring/therapy that she had to be taken to – by me or someone I arranged/approved. There was vacation and holiday time to cover. It was a lot and I often felt like I was not juggling it well.

      I am not sure I have wisdom to offer other than this: (1) Every stage has its challenges and its blessings. I loved and enjoyed my baby and toddler. I loved and enjoyed my teenager and I love and enjoy my college student. (2) You can only do your best. And that will not be perfect, but the perfect parent (like the perfect child) does not exist. You need to be kind to yourself and your children; (3) I found that honesty got me a long way. Try talking to your child about how you are feeling, what they think you can do, etc. It may be that what they need from you and what you think they need are not the same thing.

      Hugs.

  17. Anonymous

    It may be far-fetched, but does anyone think it’s possible that Ron DeSantis could be arrested and charged in connection with the COVID surge in the Northeast? Obviously he hasn’t faced any consequences despite his responsibility for the recent surge across the South, but I’m somewhat optimistic the recent uptick in blue states could change that.

    There would be no COVID in the Northeast but for DeSantis’ sadism and political opportunism. Are criminal charges possible or am I going too far?

    • Anon

      Ummmm, no.

      I vehemently disagree with his decisions (I live in a red state that has had similar political actors), but I don’t want to live in a country where one state can haul a political leader of another state to jail for political decisions.

      Also it’s not just Ron DeSantis who is responsible. Like I said, my state has plenty of law makers who made policies leading to a surge in the state and probably spread to other states. Do you think everyone who votes for an anti mask or anti vax policy should be arrested?

      • Anon

        And even if morally or ethically they should be arrested, I’m sure they have immunity for the legislative decisions they make. The idea of arresting a sitting lawmaker is pretty out there.

    • Anon

      We can’t even get a treasonous POTUS held accountable, what dreamworld are you living in?

    • Anonymous

      What? I live in the northeast. We have COVID up here for lots of reasons but Ron DeSantis isn’t one of them.

      • NYCer

        +1. If OP was being serious, this is honestly one of the weirdest things I have ever read about covid.

      • Anon

        “There would be no COVID in the Northeast”

        Please acquaint yourself with what a pandemic is. Look, I know you’re scared, I know you’re looking for someone to blame, and it’s natural to want to feel like you could be in control, but the pandemic is gonna pandemic. It hits in waves. It hit the southern states when everyone was in A/C for the summer and it’s moving northward now. It is currently crushing Vermont and it’s not because DeSantis sent busses and planes of infected people to Killington. My suggestion is that you look at the overarching patterns of COVID, understand the wave nature of this virus and most viruses, and stop turning Ron DeSantis into Emmanual Goldstein.

    • Anonymous

      Obviously not to the point you sound unhinged suggesting it. Go outside for a walk.

    • LaurenB

      As much as I wish DeSantis would just die a slow, painful death (and as a new FL resident, I can’t wait to vote him and the R Senators out), I don’t see on what grounds you could charge him.

    • Anonymous

      Looking at this from a bigger view, I think you should look at your life and consider whether you have created a siloed life in which you are getting information in an echo chamber. If you live in NYC, go visit Utica. If you live in Philadelphia, visit . . . anywhere else in Pennsylvania that is not Pittsburgh. If you live in Boston, go to Western Mass. You are going to find vaccine-refusing, mask-avoiding people there. Many of them, but not all, will be Trumpian Republican voters. You will even find racists in your state, too. The South has no monopoly. They may not wave Confederate flags or use the n-word in public, but they don’t want their girls dating Black boys or even going to school or church with them (at least not a lot of them) and they get surprised and then subtly angry when Black and Latino people have professional jobs.

      • Party Animal

        +1. I grew up in rural Upstate New York and recently went to visit. I saw as many (if not more!) MAGA hats and Confederate flags riding around town there as I do in the red SEUS state I live in now.

  18. jenny

    Is there a way to set up your google calendar so that meetings automatically start at :05 instead of :00. I know you can set up “speedy meetings” but my company likes meetings to start at 5 after and I was wondering if there was a way to make that a default

  19. Anon

    for those of you who work for companies with covid policies that include vaccination and masking – does this apply to meetings with external parties, travel and/or conferences? for example, if everyone in your office must wear a mask when not in their own office – do you meet offsite with unvaccinated people without wearing a mask? can you use company money to attend conferences that have absolutely zero covid protocols in place or can you only attend conferences that require proof of vaccination/negative tests + masks?

    • anonshmanon

      My org still denies all conference travel, only travel to the field to do hands-on work is happening. External visitors, vendors etc need to mask and distance on site. Employees need to be vaccinated or get an exemption, and still mask indoors unless alone in the office. I think if you have an offsite meeting, then you can’t really tell third parties what to do, only your own employees.

    • Anon

      Doesn’t this potentially get a bit Orwellian? How much are you supposed to grill people? How much proof do you require? Like can you not kiss a new sweetheart? Like I live with someone who can’t be vaccinated (yet; this is a kid) and I don’t wear a mask in my house.

      OTOH, NBA stars are being a bit precious with needing to do their own research.

    • No Face

      Our masking policy only applies in our office. We do not have a vaccination policy, but over 90% of the firm is vaccinated.

  20. Senior Attorney

    So… Facebook and Insta are down and I am very tempted to go cold turkey whether or not they come back any time soon. They are just so evil!

    • No Face

      If it doesn’t bring you joy, just delete! I am very thankful I deleted Facebook before the pandemic. I have not missed it a single time.

      • Senior Attorney

        Problem is, I do really enjoy it. I don’t do politics on social media so I don’t get involved in any of that nastiness. But I hate to support their businesses.

    • Anonymous

      Left facebook 3 years ago after the cambridge analytica scandal came to light. Haven’t looked back. My friends text me, and I text them. I’ve lost touch with a lot of acquaintances, but I don’t mind at all. I email my family updates and photos of our kids.

      I started with taking a month off. Left a status saying so with my phone number, then disabled my account. I did that a couple more times before I finally deleted it. You can download all of your data (including photos, which I found helpful).

    • Anonymous

      I deleted Facebook a few years ago and thought I’d miss it, but I don’t. I still have an Instagram and do genuinely enjoy browsing the photos, but I’d like to get rid of it as a protest against the company nevertheless.

    • Panda Bear

      I haven’t logged into Facebook for maybe 10 years and don’t miss it at all. I do love Instagram for following my favorite cat shelters, but I hate being a cog in their evil wheel.

    • Audreycat

      I ghosted my personal FB account a few years ago and while I keep a business account for reasons, I can honestly say that I don’t miss seeing the insipid life updates, irrelevant political musings, conspiracy theories, or obnoxious MLM offers from former HS or college friends, work acquaintances I don’t even like, or family members I’m not close to. I text my real friends. Free yourself. You’re just making them money.

    • Anonymous

      Just turn off notifications. I check it maybe once a week to make sure I’m not missing any invites or messages. The only feature I really like is their events calendar. I love seeing what wineries and breweries in my area are doing, or checking out craft fairs, and all the Halloween stuff this time of year.

  21. Mentee Question

    Has anyone been part of a structured mentorship program in which your mentee is basically your equal in terms of age and work experience? How do you navigate this to provide as much value as possible? Unclear why we were given this pairing but it’s awkward. As for my mentee, he couldn’t be more gracious and professional about it all.

    • anon

      Is this an onboarding thing? If so, I’d focus on your workplace idiosyncrasies and navigating the politics in your particular office. If this doesn’t apply, I agree that this is a really awkward setup!

    • Anonymous

      Is this a general mentorship program or is it for a particular skill set that perhaps he is trying to develop and you have? And even if it is the former, perhaps, through discussion, you could find an area where you feel your skills are good and he feels his are lacking. I think the key is to ask him specifically where he wants to develop and try to focus on that. And acknowledge that he is not a newbie but that both of you want the time to be useful.
      I am an experienced lawyer with a decent amount of experience in a practice area that is the entire scope of other lawyers’ practice. I am now without anyone senior to supervise me in this area but want to continue in the practice, so I have considered participating in a mentoring program in the area. I know some people would be surprised if they got assigned to me but they really would have a lot to offer me. What I would not want is someone who handled the relationship the same way they would with a brand new lawyer, explaining to me, say, the initial steps of filing a claim, when I have done that many times over. (I had a mentor in law school who refused to acknowledge in any way that I had for years been essentially working full time in her practice area, with 2.5 or the 3 yrs of law school under my belt, and I found the relationship extremely frustrating.)

    • Anonymous

      Peer mentoring does work best when one person is new to the org / role. Even if he’s not new, what insight can you give him? What strengths can he learn from you? What specifics is he hoping to accomplish in this mentorship, and do you think you can address some of them? Can you get him opportunities to address some others, even if not with you? You can also reach out to whomever completed the pairing and ask them why they chose you.

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