Weekend Open Thread

159 Comments

1. Nope! Pass on cold shoulder tops no matter the season.

   1. Plus one

   2. Hard agree

   3. A turtleneck with a single cold shoulder looks like your top suffered a tragic accident.

      1. The winner!! Clap clap

      2. It could be handy for getting your covid booster on a cold day.

         1. Heh. Dolly Parton already did this, didn’t she?

         2. Hahaha

         3. That’s what Dolly Parton did!

   4. I would love this sweater if it didn’t have the hole.

   5. Yes! I really like the color and “feel” of this sweater but cold-shoulder tops were a one-year fad, not even a trend, IMHO…

2. Question for the hive/extremely unscientific poll/small rant – for those of your who get semi regular beauty treatments by third party providers (so, haircuts, hair color, manicure, pedicure, facial, wax, Botox) how often do you have these things done, how much time does it take, and what days of the week/times of day are you going? I feel like getting just basic things done – haircut (no color) every 7-8 weeks, eyebrow wax, bikini wax, and lash tint every 4 weeks, ends up taking a huge amount of my weekend free time, and it turns all of these services into a chore with zero relaxing/“self-care” aspect to it. However, in order to get any of this done during the week I’d either have to miss dinner with my spouse and bedtime with the kiddos or risk having to cancel due a work/client emergency. And I’d love to get regular manicures and pedicures, but it always takes 90+ minutes and becomes stressful (to me) how much time I’m spending at the salon. Just wondering if anyone has a magical secret or feels similarly slightly stressed about how much time this takes up.

   1. So don’t do them?

   2. I’ll admit this is probably job, industry and seniority dependent but I’ll bite. I got my hair done during lunch today. I WFH on Friday and I know my appt is 90 minutes and it’s near my house. I blocked off 11:30-1pm and had my ipad and phone with me the whole time. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, I was just unavailable via phone. If someone critically needed me, there’s no reason they couldn’t wait an hour for a call. I’m regularly tied up in meetings and calls for 2-3 hour blocks any other day of the week so a Friday appointment that overlapped lunchtime doesn’t feel egregious. I work in in a client facing role within finance with a lot of high stakes deadlines and anxious clients that need to be coddled. I don’t think I would have had the guts to do this when I was younger in my career but at this stage, mid/late 30s… whatever. If I’m going to keep the hours I do (regularly 60+/week), I get to do things like this to keep the train in motion. Next Friday, I’m doing brows during the same window, albeit a shorter appointment. If something crazy pops up by Wednesday, I’ll cancel and reschedule, but that’s the current plan.

      1. I do this all. the. time.

      2. Yup. I get my hair dyed — er, done — every three weeks and I almost do it over lunch. It takes 90 minutes door to door.

   3. When I schedule these appointments I always go for the first open time slot on Sat am. That means I usually leave the house around 8:45 and I’m done before 10am. Sometimes I stack two services on the same day (hair and nails or nails and waxing) but again, I’m always done before lunch. My daughter is a tween and loves pedicures, so sometimes I take her with me and turn it into quality time. Same with haircuts — schedule them together — but I just have a simple cut, no color.

   4. I get my haircut every 10 weeks (no color); I always cut it too short and let it grow too long because I hate getting it cut. Ideal would probably be every 7 weeks. I get Botox twice a year in my forehead for 11s. Again, ideal would probably be 3-4x per year. I do both of these things during the work week, which I can do with the job I have.
      I did laser hair removal 20 years ago so I no longer need to tend my underarms and bikini, which is so nice.
      I don’t have a magical way to make it feel like less stuff. Maybe do some laser to reduce number of regular appointments long term? Or take one afternoon off every eight weeks to get everything done back to back? I also hate when this kind of stuff eats my weekends. It’s not relaxing; it’s just maintenance.

      1. This – it isn’t relaxing, it’s just maintenance, so I treat it like a dentist appointment – book far in advance, do it on a less busy day when I usually don’t travel (Monday AM, Friday lunch/early afternoon/Saturday at 9am) and opt out of the stuff that you really dislike or can do yourself with roughly the same results (which for me isn’t color, but other people may be good at that!).

   5. I’m a suburban in-house lawyer with elementary school aged kids, currently working 3/5 days in the office:
      – Wax (brow/bikini, 30 min appt, 5 min drive from home): standing appt once a month on a weekday evening between 7-8 pm
      – Hair (cut/color, ~1.5-2 hrs, 10-15 min drive away): Every 2-3 months, usually as a long lunch during a slow WFH day… I just block the time and my schedule isn’t one that would cause me to short-notice cancel.
      I haven’t done a mani/pedi since the pandemic started and they’re not a big priority to me, but when I did them regularly I tried to find places that would start on my hands while my feet soaked and could get me out in 60-75 mins, and go during a weekday lunch. Facials & botox are not part of my regular routine.

   6. I don’t do much regular beauty maintenance for this reason. It normal times I get haircuts about every 2 months over a lunch hour, and I treat myself to pedicures on a weekend afternoon before vacations or special events. I don’t really do much else.

   7. I just do all of this less frequently.
      I get a haircut probably every 4-6 months. Just whenever it looks like I need a cut.
      I try to do my eyebrows every 2-3 weeks, the place is just around the corner
      Mani / pedi only for special events or as a treat really, although I’ve been thinking I should do it more often. Usually on a slow WFH day or if I get out of work a bit early. I do my nails at home a lot, and often bring nail polish to the salon so that I can re-do it in the same color.

   8. I agree, and frankly this is why I opted out of manicures (used to be weekly) and pedicures (used to be at least 1x month year round, now it’s summer only). I learned how to do my own nails and stop at short/filed/buffed with something like nail glow if I’m feeling fancy.
      I schedule my haircuts/color way in advance, book it on our family calendar, and then try to download a fun fluffy book on my kindle to make it more relaxing. For Botox (quarterly) I book my next appointment at my last one in order to make sure I can get the first morning slot with my injector so I go right after school drop off. I do my own brows but even a bikini wax takes ~15 minutes and European Wax Studio has late hours so I usually go either right after dinner or right after kid bath time.
      I think finding places close by, booking well in advance so you get your preferred slots, and jettisoning those that you don’t love is my advice fwiw.

   9. I get haircuts every 8 weeks – no color, and botox every 6 months. I do both during work days. Haircut takes approx an hour and fifteen minutes door to door, maybe an hour and a half and Botox takes 30-45 minutes door to door depending on whether the doc is running late. I don’t do any of these things on the weekend. I never get stressed or anxious about my appointments.

      1. FWIW, I am in-house counsel. I block it off like a meeting on my calendar and I take my cell phone with me. It’s never once been an issue.

         1. Ditto. Hair. Nails. Waxing. I either block it off as an “appointment” or schedule it for times when I will be on an hour-long informational Zoom/WebEx. I always have my iPad and cell phone. It works for me.

            1. Adding: hair is biweekly unless in a protective style (which can take three to seven hours to install but lasts three to six weeks). Mani every two weeks. Pedi every month. Waxing every three weeks or so.

   10. This is why I do very minimal maintenance. I’m not okay with blowing my Saturdays and Sundays on my appearance, especially because the best kind of weekends for me are ones where I travel and go camping or backpacking. If I have to be in my hometown at 10:00 on a Saturday for a haircut, that doesn’t give me much time to drive up north and get to the mountains. It’s a trade-off, but I don’t owe anyone pretty and it makes me very, very happy to use my free time in ways that really fulfill me.

   11. I mean. I don’t consider most of that basic or necessary. Being high maintenance is time consuming.

   12. I think the magical answer is that most people don’t do all of these things on a regular basis? I know the hive tends to be high powered professional women (which somehow seems to come with strict beauty regimes, go figure), but maybe it would help your outlook to remind yourself that all of these things are by choice, not some baseline requirement. Lash tinting was barely a thing 5 years ago ( see https://trends.google.com/trends/explore?date=all&geo=US&q=lash%20tint ) and most of these things are still not the norm ( https://trends.google.com/trends/explore?date=all&geo=US&q=lash%20tint,hair%20salon,bikini%20wax,manicure )
       Do you think that it helps you be presentable and successful in professional life? Maybe reframe it this way and see if you can get it done during the week. Do you personally like getting all this stuff done? Great, if you see it as more of a hobby, maybe it is easier to justify spending your free time. No on both counts? You can opt out!

       1. This whole approach is a good one. If you’re doing this because you need to for work, try and fit it in during the work week and see if that helps

   13. I get my haircut every 8-12 weeks, almost always on a Wednesday evening. On those evenings, I have to leave work by 5:15, DH cooks (as usual), and I arrive home around 7:00 in time for dinner. I haven’t been doing the other services since the pandemic started, but pre-pandemic, I did manicures either Friday after work or any weekday during lunch about once a month, and I did brows, waxing, eyebrow tints on Saturday mornings about once every 6 weeks. Pedicures were less often but usually also on Saturday mornings.

   14. I don’t do any of these things regularly, but when I do it is on a slow work day. My work calendar is blocked off with a private entry that says “appointment,” just like when I have a medical appointments.

       1. Same.

   15. I don’t do any of those things, except haircuts 2-3x a year (and I’ve been doing it myself since the pandemic started). If you don’t enjoy it, reconsider whether you really want to do all of those things as often as you’re doing them?

   16. I’m admittedly pretty low maintenance.

       I have curly hair and only cut it 3 or 4 times a year. It’s cut dry, and I do it on my lunch break. Takes less than 30 min.

       I get waxed (bikini) inconsistently. In the before times it was every 2ish months or so. I do this on my way home from work and it takes less than 30 min.

       Manis & pedis I do myself in the evening or on a weekend when I have the time and I think about it.

   17. Hair color about every 6 – 8 weeks, hair cut a little less often (I do my own bang trim and I have stick straight hair so it doesn’t really matter if it grows long for a bit). Manicure every 2 weeks because I’m a horrible nail-biter, but pedicures maybe once or twice a year. I gave up on bikini waxes because honestly I can achieve most of the results with shaving. Used to do eyelash fills pre-pandemic but now I don’t bother. Get eyebrows tinted a few times a year and can pluck any strays. I obviously went without a lot of this in spring / summer 2020 and have only recently begun to add in back in to my routine.

   18. I don’t do any of these things on a weekend. I do them during the work day, like I would a doctor’s appointment. But out of your list, I’m only doing hair cuts and color.

   19. I only do the beauty treatments I enjoy and try to eliminate/drastically cut down on those I don’t. I like getting my hair done, and I get cut and color every 6-8 weeks on a Saturday morning. I do the first appointment of the day so that I will be done as early as possible. I also get a facial every other month on a Saturday because I enjoy doing it. I used to get my bikini line waxed every 6 weeks, but then splurged for laser treatments to eliminate that one because I didn’t enjoy it. The laser was a great decision! I would do that on my lunch break from work.

       For the other stuff, I pluck my eyebrows myself. I don’t do the tinting or anything else to my lashes, and I don’t get regular manicures or pedicures. I’ll go with a friend to get nails done maybe once every few months. I don’t get Botox, but I do use tretinoin.

       I do think that having one’s hair look nice in a professional environment is a must. I don’t think the other stuff is completely necessary unless it makes you feel better and more confident, as long as you look groomed and put together. This might be industry dependent. I’m in house counsel at a F500 company for context.

   20. Ok with the exception of waxing (big grower of ingrown hairs here) I did all of that pre pandemic. The appointments that started to get on my nerves were the nail appointments. I absolutely loved how my nails looked but the time commitment was intense. It was the first thing I gave up in the pandemic. I still do my own toes but my nails are bare 99% of them time, which has been a big change from constantly having gels on.

       Over the pandemic I started coloring my hair at home using Madison Reed and believe it or not I have been cutting my own hair. I had been cutting my teenage son’s hair for several years so I had the technique down, but it’s a lot harder to do on one’s own hair. I need help with the back but I have it down now. I have a longish bob with sideswept bangs and some shorter pieces framing the face.

       I STILL resent the time it takes me to do these things at home but I had years prior started considering them a drag and not me-time so it’s just a chore I have to slog through and I feel better not also paying big $$ to get it done.

   21. I’m unapologetically high maintenance and do all of those things. I also have a big job where looking polished is part of it. For mani/pedis, my salon is open late and I go after work during the week. My hair salon is only weekends, but that’s only every 12 weeks, and I book a Saturday afternoon appointment and then dinner out with my husband so my hair is “done” and it feels special. I do brows at my mani-pedi place, no extra time there. Botox is quarterly and like others, I just treat it like a doctor appt and go when it works with my schedule. Lashes I do monthly and schedule after work. I don’t care that much about being home at a certain time for dinner. While this stuff does take time, I find it saves a lot more – doing my hair and makeup takes very little time to be very polished because it’s all maintained regularly.

       1. Oh caveat, I don’t wax (prefer using a trimmer now) but when I did, my nail salon also offered it, so no real extra time.

   22. I am amazed at people’s infrequent Botox schedules. I’m about to switch to Dysport because my Neanderthal b1tchface chews through Botox in about 9 weeks. It’s really inconvenient because my injector has a limited schedule, but I love her. I accepted an alternate injector once due to a timing conflict and I will not make that mistake again.

       FWIW, I think claiming that women need constant haircuts is a scam. If you avoid heat and wear your natural texture, keeping a less structured style will let you get away with only a few cuts a year. Dead ends aren’t inevitable unless you’re processing the h3ll out of your hair constantly.

       No manis for me, I wear contacts and never figured out how to remove them with nails past my fingertips. I’d rather have stubby bare nails than wear thick glasses.

   23. I am now in my 50s and my beauty treatments are far more intense now than they were when I was younger (and please don’t @ me- I get treated very differently when I look polished – hair colored and keratined; brows waxed; nails polished – than when I do not. The world is often unkind to slightly overweight middle aged women). Hair is done (cut and color) every four weeks because otherwise my roots show; keratin every six months. I schedule cut and color for a Thursday afternoon and set them months in advance so I can keep the time clear. I like my hairdresser and she always provides a glass of wine so this is fun. It has happened that I need to reschedule, but only a handful of times. It is more common for me to skip the wine and log on to my work from my laptop. That takes a little under 2 hours door to door. Keratin gets scheduled six months in advance and is on a Saturday morning because it takes a long time.

       Mani/pedi every 4 weeks on a Saturday – I enjoy this and it is “me” time; I keep my own fingers up between visits. This is new post-pandemic. I used to do gels and loved them but it is hard to justify the expense. I will probably re-do them the first time I have a trial.

       I tint my own eyebrows but try to get them waxed every 6-ish weeks. This is probably the one I have a hardest time remembering to schedule during WFH because the place I have it done is near my work. But that appointment was always short enough I could do it during lunch.

       I do not do facials. Botox between my brows every six months and I have it done at a place next door to the grocery store so I do it while I am doing my weekly shopping.

       And yes it is a lot and I both missed it during WFH and appreciated the money I saved. But I am out in the world again and the first time I went to a client’s site, I realized how I looked and that frizzy, greying hair, ragged cuticles and fuzzy brows with stray white hairs was not really the look I was going for.

   24. I do my own fingernails/manicure and use clear polish. Looks fine. I get pedicures in the summer, once a month, May to Sept. and it does not take so long. Haircuts are every 8 weeks at an inexpensive salon as I have decided that a fancy salon does not matter/does not do a better job, and it is a quicker in and out. I do my lashes and brows at home, I use Just for Men on my brows and I buy the lash dye on Amazon. The salon does this better–the lashes–but I just can’t take it anymore. Botox 3 x a year in the late afternoon. I clean up my own brows in between threading appts, and I do the threading maybe every 8 weeks. All of this is a chore, not a treat, and I am constantly doing less, doing it more efficiently, and finding ways to do it myself as those appts are just so annoying!

3. Where are your favorite resources to “find your colors” for makeup and more? Do they change as you get older? Early 40s and noticing myself and friends all struggling with this.

   1. Inside Out Style has a lot of articles on this.

   2. I’m 56 and were I used to be sort of a cool winter I think I’m more of a summer now. We fade a bit as we get older. I love reading books about this and really liked David Zyla’s, but I also look at lots of blogs. For me the hardest thing has always been cool vs warm skin tones because I’m in the middle.

   3. I don’t think “colors” exist. At least, they don’t for me. I like purple, shiny gold, and brown so those are the colors I wear for eyeshadow (brown/black eyes). I wear pink blush and pink lipstick, and it seems to work with my deathly pale complexion. I will probably never change, no matter how dated this look gets.

4. I looooooove potatoes, but I don’t eat much meat, fish and mostly avoid milk products (lactose intolerant). I’ve been doing roasted veggie medleys that include potatoes but could use some new ideas. What do you pair with mashed potatoes or just roasted potatoes?

   1. We did a potato hash last night with yukon potatoes, sweet potatoes, a red pepper, a poblano, and an onion (roast potatoes @ 425 for 15 minutes, then add peppers and onion and roast for an additional 15-20). I added some chopped up bacon and cheese at the end, roasted until the cheese melted then topped with an egg. It was delicious and filling. I did a blend of garlic powder, cumin, and chili powder on the potatoes; and S&P, garlic powder on the peppers and onions.

   2. I usually do a diced red pepper, onion, and jalapeno pepper with roasted potatoes. You can also do cubed parsnips or other root vegetables.

   3. Roast crispy potatoes (like fries) and top with scallions, cilantro, peanuts, toasted garlic, lime. Serve with a chili sauce.

   4. Vegetarian who loves potatoes here – last night I had some roasted w/ ranch seasoning and green beans, topped with a soft fried egg. For mashed potatoes, I love making shepherd’s pie (with a veggie filling, an impossible burger filling, or a chickpea or tofu curry) or eating them with mushrooms and onions and (vegetarian) brown gravy. For a more traditional “meat and potatoes” meal, seitan is a good option, or the Gardein turkey cutlets, or a vegetarian meatloaf (I like the ones with nuts, lentils, and mushrooms). Also, potatoes are great topped with chili.

   5. Colcannon, bubble & squeak, and cottage pie would be my top mashed potato recs. You can sub top and/or lentils for meat in the pie.

      I also eat plenty of vegetarian baked potatoes. Top with broccoli and cheddar, veggie chili, or whatever kind of pot beans you like.

      1. Omg I LOVE colcannon!!

   6. Do you eat eggs? Potatoes and eggs go together perfectly.

   7. Baked potatoes with filling can be a meal in itself.

      1. Yes. And try toppings you wouldn’t expect. Google kumpir (turkish baked potatoes) for inspiration

   8. How do you feel about Indian food? Once you invest in a stable of key spices, you can do so many yummy vegan potato curries and dishes, such as aloo gobi (potato and cauliflower), a potato and onion curry like you would typically put in a dosa (make with oil instead of ghee if necessary, put with flatbread if you don’t want to make a dhosa), aloo palak (potato and spinach), potato biryani, erisheri (typically made with sweet potato, but I like it with a mixture of sweet and plain potatoes), pav bhaji (I just use King’s Hawaiian slider rolls for the buns), etc:

      https://www.indianhealthyrecipes.com/aloo-palak-recipe-quick-and-easy/
      https://www.cookwithmanali.com/aloo-gobi/
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1017153-classic-masala-dosa
      https://www.indianhealthyrecipes.com/hyderabadi-aloo-dum-biryani-potato-biryani/
      https://www.archanaskitchen.com/chenakayi-erissery-recipe-yam-erissery
      https://www.indianhealthyrecipes.com/pav-bhaji-recipe-how-to-make-pav-bhaji-step-by-step-pictures/

      I have not actually made these particular linked recipes myself; I have an Indian cook book. But just some ideas.
      OMG I’m so hungry now. I might go have dhosas for dinner.

      1. I’m super craving aloo gobi now, I hate you (jk!)

   9. I mean, I can eat potatoes by themselves – I’d just do a couple of baked potatoes as a meal, or a plate of smashed potatoes. If you want non-monomania suggestions, think breakfast related items: biscuits, toast, eggs, fruit medley.

   10. Lentil shepherd’s pie with mash.

       Spanish tortilla potato omelette.

       Potato and leek soup.

       Boiled potatoes in salads, like Nicoise.

       Nut or lentil roast goes well with roasted veg.

       Vegetarian moussaka with potato and eggplant.

   11. Eggs. I love a fried egg over reheated roasted potatoes for breakfast. Add salsa. Or make it all into a breakfast burrito with scrambled eggs instead.

   12. Roasted potatoes with sautéed onions, red and green peppers, and soy chorizo (I like the kind from Trader Joe’s). You could add eggs, or mix into a breakfast burrito, or serve with toast.

   13. Make gnocchi! It’s a lot easier than it seems like it would be.

   14. Tacos de papa! Isabel Eats has a recipe.

5. My first lawyer mom-friend is taking what she is calling Burnout Leave. Me, I’m buying lottery tickets on my way home. School aged kids not in school last year; now that they are back, they really need help in a way that they didn’t before (and in high school / 8th grade, the stakes seem very real right now in terms of getting things squared away with them).

   1. Huh?

   2. We have been perpetually unsuccessful in hiring an on-the-books after school helper who could also help with advanced homework (like anyone could do the K-2 homework, which was “read a book” or color something, but after that, finding someone nurturing who could do, say area of shapes, was just not going to happen). And yet, 4-7 are work hours in my profession. Really, 4-8 or 9. In addition to all day before that. I joke about a sister wife. And last year . . . I was on proctor / tutor / lunch lady / companion / solace duty constantly with schools closed. But I still had a job. I want to go rock in a corner and decompress.

      1. You could hire a tutor, who would naturally charge more than “anybody” who could do easier schoolwork.

6. What are your thoughts on negotiating for a salary higher than the range stated in the job description? I’m interviewing for a job for which the top end of the posted range is lower than what I’m ideally looking for, but during the initial phone screen the HR manager’s wording suggested to me that there might be some flexibility to go above the stated range. (I now regret not pressing for more detail.) If I end up with a offer that falls within the range listed in the job description, do you think it would be acceptable to ask for more based on what HR alluded to in the phone screen?

   1. I’m this really depends on the company. I hire for roles all the time with flexibility. I have a budget, but for the right person/skill set, I can shift stuff around to make the numbers work.

      If I advertise for a widget manager with 3-5 years experience but get someone with 5-7 years of directly relevant experience that I can push more work to, I will pay extra for that and bring them in at a higher level. I will not pay extra for talent that requires more comp than appropriate for their experience in my org, as it will create issues with the rest of the team.

   2. It’s pretty much always fine to ask for more. How much success you’ll have is unclear. I can tell you that in higher ed it’s basically impossible to go above the top of the pay band.

      1. I work in public higher ed and we sometimes go above the stated range. It’s rare but the secret is that our “starting range” is only to the midpoint of the band. So there is room. But they don’t like to do it without good reason because of equity concerns.

   3. I think it’s acceptable to ask for more, but I wouldn’t necessarily rely on the comment made in the phone screen. Have a rationale that would hold up even if the comment hadn’t been made, and pitch that.

   4. I always ask for significantly more than the “stated range”. I had a male coworker tell me years ago that he always asked for 15-30% more than they say is budgeted for the position. He was making more than me for the same job, at which I had more competence and seniority. I’ll never go back to believing the range.

   5. They call it “budgeted” but it means “this is what we’re hoping to get away with. They want to pay as little as possible and hope you won’t notice.

7. Has anyone visited Canyon Ranch/Lenox in Massachusetts? Would it be the enjoyable relaxing experience that I’m envisioning in my mind or would it be less enjoyable relaxing etc with mask wearing this fall or winter? I’m thinking about taking myself on a solo vacation.

   1. Do you find mask wearing to be that burdensome? If wearing a mask makes you feel un-relaxed then yeah I’d think twice about booking this kind of trip in the next few months, because I doubt indoor mask requirements are going away in blue states before spring. I booked a destination spa week for myself this winter and CAN’T WAIT but wearing masks won’t interfere with my ability to relax, in fact I’ll do it even if it’s not required to protect myself and others.

      1. Good point – thank you for this. No – not burdensome at all. You’re right – I’ll do whatever. :)
         Curious to hear about anyone’s experience at Canyon Ranch.

      2. I do find it incredibly uncomfortable and burdensome. I wear it anyway, but it would absolutely interfere with enjoying a vacation where I had to wear it all the time.

         1. I find being around people who are unmasked to uncomfortable and burdensome. It is much easier to relax and have fun when everyone is properly masked, bonus if all are known to be vaxxed.

            1. Okay. What part of I wear it anyway did you miss? Can’t we acknowledge the discomfort while complying?

         2. I think if a mask is physically uncomfortable you’re not wearing it right or you have the wrong size or something. I get being sad about not seeing people’s smiles and stuff like that, but a mask should not be uncomfortable or burdensome. Honestly, I barely even notice a cloth or KN95 mask at this point. An N95 (which I’ve worn occasionally for flights and doctors appointments) is a different story.

8. How often do you see your long-distance partner in person? How long are your visits (long weekend, week, etc)?

   If you were long distance, did it work out long term? How long were you long distance? I’m reading I should have a “one of us is moving by X date” timeline to be in the same city and I just haven’t wrapped my head around that yet. Partner and I both own businesses in our respective states – she might sell hers in a couple years but it’s hard to see anything happening before then. We’re happy, I just don’t know if we need a “plan to end the distance” when eventually we would both like to live together but it’s hard to see when.

   1. I was long distance for two years, but the relationship started long distance, if that matters. We knew each other before from our teenage years and reconnected mid 20s. We saw each other every three weeks for the most part (2.5 hr flight). Sometimes it was a bit longer than that between visits, but that’s the schedule we tried to stick to. That dates back to 2009 and we’re married with a kid, mortgage and dog – so it’d say it worked! The one thing that was helpful is we both went in knowing our then-home cities weren’t our forever homes and we both were casually looking elsewhere. Once we got together and realized this was the Real Deal we picked a city and went in deep on the job search in that location, and eventually it panned out. I got the job first, moved first, and then he followed about 4-5 months later.

      I say if it works, it works. Long distance is not for everyone and I’ve seen it not work for some good friends. And successful relationships, my own included, all take different structure, too. I’m happy to share my story but not sure it should influence your own decision as long as what you’ve got going is working.

   2. I dated long distance. Lots of opinions here. We usually saw each other for between three days and a week at a time; it was sporadic, because we lived about a thousand miles apart. Very, very early in our relationship, we decided that we would ultimately need to move to the same place. We dated for a year and I moved a few months after we got engaged. (It was easier to move as an engaged person, because “I’m marrying a man who lives in your state” makes for easier job hunting; also, I was reluctant to give up my life for a dating relationship as opposed to marriage.)

      General advice: there are two reasons to not “do long distance” long term:
      1) if you want kids, you can’t wait forever
      2) if you’re not ultimately going to be together, you’re wasting each other’s time; if you’re going to be together, figure out how to do it and work towards that goal. I wouldn’t say that there’s a time limit for moving, just that once you know this is permanent, move towards that goal.

   3. Two examples for this – for me, DH and I were long distance for 3 years during law school/grad school. We were about 3 hours apart driving and saw each other once a month or so, but always had the plan that I would move to his city when I graduated (since I was in school for less time, and he was in a major legal market). My best friend also started in a long-distance relationship (similar distance as mine) with her now-wife after one of them had to move to take care of family. They saw each other every few weeks for a couple years with a vague plan that one of them would move once their family/work issues allowed them to. My friend was able to get a remote-work arrangement with her company shortly before the pandemic with plans to move in summer 2020 – she ended up moving in March 2020 instead and they got their own place that summer, and got married this year. So yes, long distance does work if you want it to – even if you don’t have a definite plan to end up in the same place by a certain date.

   4. Two examples for this – for me, DH and I were long distance for 3 years during law school/grad school. We were about 3 hours apart driving and saw each other once a month or so, but always had the plan that I would move to his city when I graduated (since I was in school for less time, and he was in a major legal market). My best friend also started in a long-distance relationship (similar distance as mine) with her now-wife after one of them had to move to take care of family. They saw each other every few weeks for a couple years with a vague plan that one of them would move once their family/work issues allowed them to. My friend was able to get a remote-work arrangement with her company shortly before the pandemic with plans to move in summer 2020 – she ended up moving in March 2020 instead and they got their own place that summer, and got married this year. So yes, long distance does work if you want it to – even if you don’t have a definite plan to end up in the same place by a certain date.

   5. I moved away from my then-boyfriend for my job, and before I left we had a long talk and decided that “us” was likely long term, which meant eventually living in the same city. He was about 2 years out from the next level in his career, so he wanted to stick it out and hit that milestone before looking for a new job in my city.

      We were dating long distance for about two years, around 2-3 hours apart. We tried to see each other ~3 weekends a month, and talk on the phone (not text) at least once every day. It was hard to balance making a life for myself in the new city vs nourishing the relationship. He had established friendships already, so it was a bit easier for him in that regard, and he ended up traveling to see me more often so I would still be able to attend events and see people.

      Once there were signs that his milestone was getting near, he started making preparations to move to my city. We talked about living together vs renting separately, talked about potential job implications, etc. He ended up achieving the milestone, getting a new job, and moving in with me. We eventually got married and moved to a third city where we now have roots.

      Reflecting on what made it work for so long – We didn’t have an end date, but we had an end goal. We regularly reaffirmed the goal for each other, and all our decisions were in alignment with that goal. So I think we both felt confident we truly were on the same path and would get there eventually.

   6. Was long distance for three years and we saw each other every three months. We had no plan for ending the distance, it was awful, and we broke up numerous times with the last one being very bad and very painful. I would never, ever do it again. Was briefly long distance with DH but we were closer and saw each other once a month and there was always a clear end date to the distance.

   7. We started long distance (similar to someone above, actually knew each other in high school but not well, reconnected in our late 30s). We both traveled regularly for work AND i worked remotely so found myself going to meet him if he happened to be somewhere within a train ride. I also could then go visit him for a week at a time while working. So for one year we saw each other at least monthly, sometime a bit more, but sometimes in random cities that neither of us lived in (it was a blast, honestly). But I knew I wanted to move and try his city/near his city, both because I liked it as a standalone, because i was sick of NY and wanted to take advantage of my remote role, and because I knew we had something real and did not want to be long distance for very long. So I moved after a year or so to nearby city to him and then during the panini moved in with him officially.

9. My partner and I have just bought our first home! For the first time, I’ll have a room for me which isn’t a bedroom. And I’m totally lost about what to do with it.

   I imagine I’ll mainly end up using it as a crafting space (sewing and quilting), plus somewhere to work from home from occasionally. It might be useful to have a day bed, as we’re not going to have a spare bedroom.

   There’s a built in wardrobe, the room is 3m by 3.5m, one window, grey walls and carpet, not super sunny.

   What would you do? Any ideas on layout, decorating etc?

   1. Oooh… I would do a big work table floating in the room (access from all sides), with storage in cabinets underneath. This seems more luxurious to me than just a sewing table pressed up against the wall. Then I’d do either a daybed or a cozy chair and ottoman for reading. A large pegboard on the wall for supplies could be fun, too

   2. We have one of these rooms. We really glammed ours up: (1) bright, bold colors on the wall (you could do color on the ceiling and white walls). No more grey walls. (2) fantastic light fixture. (3) replace carpet/freshen up the floors (ours are hardwood so we bought a new patterned rug). (4) speakers/sound system because I like listening to music/podcasts when I craft. And guests love this room.
      Recommend making it functional for multiple uses– storage bins, crafting table that doubles as WFH space.
      Have fun with it.

   3. It would be a library for me.

      In my dreams, the room is lined in bookshelves with built-in cabinets underneath to store craft supplies and whatnot. There’s a big comfy chair for reading, and a big desk in the middle with a more office-like chair for either WFH or crafting. Lots of lamps and floor lamps for various levels of lighting.

      If we need a bed, maybe I’d switch the comfy chair for a daybed near the window. Or I’d find a chair that pulls out into a twin bed. Or maybe even find a cabinet murphy bed and give up some of my crafting space.

      I’d probably paint the walls green, because for some reason wood+ green = library in my head. And I’d add a globe or map or something.

      1. Farrow and Ball Duck Green is my platonic ideal of a deep but warm green – Olive (bancha) is nice but doesn’t have the same classic library/private club feeling.

   4. Sorry to be a debbie downer but if you’ll be working from home with any regularity, set it up as an office with function first and foremost. That means a comfortable desk and chair, space for any equipment you need (printer), good lighting for your computer area (don’t have your back to the window), and a door if there isn’t already one.

      When we moved into our house a few years ago I designed the home “office” (really more of a library/reading nook) of my dreams, with a gallery wall of meaningful photos and art, a comfortable couch for reading, a decorative bench, numerous bookshelves, etc. Then Covid hit and I had to destroy it to set up a functional home office. It was so painful. :/ And it still doesn’t have a door which is super inconvenient when I or others are taking calls.

   5. I wouldn’t do a daybed. Guest can sleep on inflatable mattresses, something temporary and out of sight. Use the space for YOU and your everyday needs, not the once-every-two-months thing.

      I’d kit it out a little by little, not all at once. If you think you want to sew, put in a table and try! Do you enjoy sitting there? Prioritize placement of your crafting/workspace in terms of light and cozyness. Set it up in a “command position”, which sounds silly but actually makes a difference to your comfort level. Use the room for a while before you decide, and don’t overfill with furniture, decor and stuff.

      Get good lighting (Ottlite light bulbs are great for sewing) and a great air purifyer green plant like a peace lily or fern.

   6. My office was also the guest bedroom and my biggest advice is that if you think you’ll be using it yourself at all to just get a real bed. We had (and gave away) a daybed because it was just so awkward and uncomfortable to sleep on. It is now the ‘sick room’ – if my husband or I am sick we go quarantine in the guest bed so as to try to ensure there is always one (relatively) healthy parent and having a good bed in the room makes a huge difference.
      Our room is also similarly not well lit with only 1 small window and I just leaned into the dark and moody vibe with wood/iron bookcases, deep wall color, lamps, a thick plush rug, and wall sconces (overhead can lights don’t have the same warm feel imho).

   7. Thanks for all the ideas! They are awesome, lots to think about

   8. It looks like one of my kids might actually be moving out in the next few months. I plan on converting his room to a sewing room/office(for rare wfh days), but we plan on installing a Murphy bed so that he has a place to sleep when he comes home to visit. I think this will be the best of both worlds for this small bedroom.

   9. Is there a reason you’re not setting up a spare bedroom? Even if you don’t have frequent visitors, there are enough times that husband or I are sick and want to sleep separately that I really value having a second bedroom. We don’t have that many people come to stay with us, but I also can’t imagine not being able to offer them a bed once we actually had an entire room for one, though I could see that a smaller one or fold out might make more sense than a queen (we already had two queens when we met, so it was easier to keep the beds we had when we moved into a 2BR together).

10. Random lawyer question: if you have kids and are still working, how old are your kids? Sort of distressed and seeing it as a sign that I can think of one lawyer grandmother (who never stopped practicing and is still FT) but no one local to me who even has kids old enough to drive (or in high school, for that matter). Kind of seeing that my general exhaustion and seeing this all as a sign that I’m not going to make it (but my life and budget assumed that I’d work until my kids, if college material, were done with college and I’d retire at 67 ideally). Gulp.

    1. The women I know who have high-school aged kids and continue to be attorneys either have husbands with very flexible jobs or live in smaller cities, wherein you can actually work 40, maybe 50 hours a week and be at the top of your game.

    2. Not me, but my best friend’s parents are both lawyers. He is criminal defense and she was a prosecutor until she became a judge. They have 3 grown kids and never stopped working. They did have a full time nanny then housekeeper, however.

       They are both early 60s.

    3. There are lots of women at my firm at all levels who have kids of all ages (infant through post-college). It can definitely work, but I agree that you generally either have to have a husband/partner who has a less demanding or more flexible job or you have to have a nanny or au pair or nearby grandparents. You also need a firm that is understanding of the needs of parents (and all attorneys’ personal needs) and not requiring butts-in-seats or ridiculous hours on an ongoing basis. Definitely doable, though!

    4. Mine are still elementary school aged, but I have several female partners who are in that age range or older and still practicing. I know someone mentioned the idea that they had stay at home spouses, but in my experience at least, they all have attorney spouses. I think there’s something unique about a two attorney couple being able to make it work. Both have flexibility, but both understand the pressure.

    5. All the still working attorneys I know with older kids are partners at law firms (so lots of $ to outsource and lots of schedule flexibility, although they still work a lot), or work in house at companies with reasonable schedules.

    6. I am a plaintiff side lawyer and have been heartened to realize a number of women at my firm have kids in middle or high school, though the majority are elementary or younger.

    7. My evergreen comment is that everyone is more stressed and burnt-out now that they would be in a more “normal” time.

       I spent about 6 months focusing on self-care (letting my billable hours stay low, deciding not to work when I felt crappy, sleeping as my main hobby, eating healthier foods). I am now back to normal and feeling good. So my advice is to listen to your mind/body, and address your exhaustion head on.

    8. Mine are 10 & 13, we both work full time (govt. and small law). My work is more flexible but also steadier, but his office is near the house and he’s his own boss. Our kids go to local public schools and they can walk or bike to and from it on their own now. We’re pretty aggressively free-range in terms of things like homework supervision and extracurriculars, which helps a lot. While I expect a mild sh*t hitting the fan when the youngest starts middle school (he’s the Bart to my eldest’s Lisa Simpson impression), it’s been so far so good.

    9. OK – You are about to get an essay.

       My only child is a senior in college. I am not now, nor was I ever, partnered (in the romantic sense). I raised her on my own while working full time as an attorney except for the four months I took for maternity leave. So yes – it is possible to work as a lawyer and raise a kid.

       I have never for a single second regretted my choice to be a mother. As I have said before on this site, my daughter is the light of my life and having her is the best thing I ever did. But it required professional sacrifices. I was never “at the top” of my profession. I am not a partner and I am by most metrics massively underpaid. The secret is that firms that are not Big Law and do not expect Big Law hours exist. You just have to be willing to earn $150K instead of $350K (or more). You have to live in a world where a $15K bonus is plenty. You have to be willing to take that 20% pay cut to work 10% fewer hours. You have to be wiling to do work that is less prestigious. People in Big Law tend to sneer at insurance defense work but it allows a comfortable upper middle class lifestyle while allowing you to work moderate hours. And you have to be willing to accept that you are not going to retire early or with millions in the bank to cushion every possible bad thing that might happen (if I get dementia, my assets are being spent down until I end up in a nursing home that Medicaid will pay for).

       In other words, you have to be willing to live like you are not in the 1%. And you have to be willing to work on the six figure cases rather than the multi-million dollar cases.

       Also in case anyone needs it to be said, your children need you less as they get older for day to day life. They get to the point where they can dress and bath themselves. They even get to the point where they can be left home alone for hours at a time. But my middle schooler needed me way more than my toddler every did. The time and energy commitment did not really decrease until she was a senior in high school (college admission secured and driving herself).

    10. I’ve worked full time at various firms for 20 years. My kids are 13, 13 and 11. DH works more than I do. We had a nanny when the kids were very little, then after care at the local boys and girls club, and now DH and I are both working from home due to covid. For me, what worked was switching from big law to mid law, where the hours expectations are somewhat more reasonable. All of my close law school friends have kids and work full time, but they are mainly in-house or in govt.

    11. My son is grown, but I started working in firms when he was not quite 2 (actually started as a summer associate before he turned 1), and worked full time in firms and made partner (working what were then considered long hours but not nearly as crazy as they are now — averaged probably 2000 billable per year) before leaving to work for the government when he started high school. Have continued to work full time (but not long hours) ever since.

        1. His dad was a teacher with very reasonable hours, and my mom also helped a lot when he was young. Can’t imagine having done it in a two-big-career marriage — my hat is off to those who do.

    12. I have one high school aged child. I am a government lawyer, which helps. My non lawyer husband has a demanding but flexible job. Having only one child makes balancing things easier as well.

    13. 65, with kids now 24 and 28, never stopped working but whew! I was exhausted for about 20 years; the teen years were different but equally exhausting in their own way. On the other side now and I am so, so glad that I kept my career and I can continue to do challenging work at a high level. Retirement? I don’t know.

11. Does anyone have a good solution for an office where the natural light doesn’t seem to be great? I just moved my WFH set up to a new location, and there is a wall of windows on the far back side of the room. My desk is on the front side of the room (and I can’t move it elsewhere). There are no windows on either side and one very small window on the front. I have an overhead light, one can light near the door into this room, a table light and a random ring light in front of my computer and I still don’t look great on video–it is just too dark late in the afternoon with the way that the fall sun comes in the back windows. I am hoping that I may be able to solve for this with a better ring light? I am actively looking for a new home and so don’t want to spend on new office furniture or lamps right now and certainly don’t want to take on any projects that would involve adding additional overhead lighting.

    1. A small webcam light with long but strong flexible neck that you can clip on to a desk, shelf, or bottom of screen did the trick for me. It comes in three different light tones and three different levels of brightness and plugs in via usb. I got mine on the land of the South American river site, entitled “Webcam Light Stand for Live Stream, Selfie Ring Light with Webcam Mount for Logitech”

    2. If you can’t move anything and won’t buy additional lamps, there really isn’t anything that can be done.

       1. This. Buy lamps.

    3. Why can’t you move the desk? Is it built in? (Picturing using a few inexpensive extension cords & ethernet cable, if needed, to allow you to migrate…)

    4. If video is your main problem, you might have some luck with a daylight lamp that can brighten the room. The daylight therapy lamps are about 10 000 lux, but there are lots of cheaper and less super bright ones.
       I occasionally use my Philips daylight alarm clock as an extra light boost, I just set on max and get a sunrise in the room.

    5. Drench the room in bright white paint!
       Also play with the angle of lights and camera – a little change in angle can make a big difference

       1. That is a bad idea. https://www.wow1day.com/blog/interior-painting/what-best-paint-color-dark-rooms/

    6. When you have a video call, block the windows in the back. The program should adjust to the lighting that way.

    7. I’m backlit in my office with no easy way to fix it. I find the zoom filter that blurs your background helps fix the lighting on my face.

    8. I spend a lot of time on video. Your best bet for cheap, flattering zoom lighting is placing several (3 or 4) small lamps placed around you to create a diffuse halo of soft light. You want to avoid harsh shadows and give an impression that the light is coming from everywhere. The set up is ridiculous in person but looks great on camera. Ring lights work for YouTube makeup tutorials and newscasters but will look very harsh if you don’t have all the light diffusion equipment of a professional. Don’t paint your room white and avoid any cool toned lighting, it will give you a clinical, horror movie quality. Look at your wardrobe as well, what you’re wearing has a big impact on how the camera sees you. Solid pastel colors, specifically light blue, white, pink, and beige work well to bounce light. Say no to stripes, contrast piping, and black.

12. How do I stop fixating on a change I cannot control that will directly impact me?

    A situation that will impact my life is tied to a decision someone important in my life has to make. They have to be the one to make it and they say that they knows it’s time, but I don’t know if they’ll be brave enough to make it.

    I know my choices are to either walk away on my own or stay and hope. I don’t feel ready to walk away so it doesn’t feel like a choice. How do I cope while I wait to see what they do? I find myself fixating and making everything I want to talk about turning it around and around, but in the end, I have no say and this is just me trying to brace myself which I know is really just borrowing tomorrow’s possible problems.

    The situation may take a month or more to resolve or could be indefinite, depending on what they do.

    Also, does your answer to this change based on whether this is a romantic or a professional situation?

    1. I can’t with the vague booking. Just say what the situation is and whether the person is a romantic or professional partner. The world is large. You’re anonymous.

    2. Ok I’ll bite. My answer is the same both personally & professionally
       AskYourself these things and answer with your first yes or no. Period. No story lines or what if’s etc. is it a yes or a no.

       if nothing changes can I go on like this forever?
       why am I letting someone else control my life?
       is what you’re waiting for worth giving up all of this mental energy?
       How resentful will I be if it doesn’t turn out the way I currently want it to?
       Can I live with simmering fury about not taking charge of my life?

       Lastly, for me I’d be right peeved if I allowed another To hold my life hostage while they decided.
       I would put a stake in the ground and knowing me …MoveOn

       Just my perspective…..

       1. One more thing~ honestly I left a marriage & two different lovely highly compensated jobs for exactly this reason and am better for it. Ps that marriage had young kids and my gorgeous house. I would still do it again.

    3. Walk away. Take your power back.

    4. Walking away is a choice, and you saying you aren’t ready is also a choice. Just own it. It’s okay if that is your choice, but your whole post makes you sound like a bystander in your life, and you aren’t. Every thing you do or don’t do is within your power. Own it.

       1. +1,000

    5. This is a shot in the dark, but I wonder if you’re the woman who keeps posting about her married boyfriend (from different hypothetical vantage points) and whether he’s going to divorce his wife.

       I’m sorry that this has clearly taken over your mind and emotions. However, this community rarely has unanimous agreement on anything…and we do on this. He’s a philanderer, and you need to cut ties and take your life back.

       1. Oh wow… This fits so much and is almost the only thing that makes this post make sense…

          Of course, the guess might be wrong.

          But OP if you really are that woman – ler him go!!!

       2. Good detective work! I think you’re right.

    6. “If he wanted to, he would.” This dude is not going to dump her for you. Rspect yourself and move on.

       1. ETA: Apparently Monday and I had the same idea.

          1. Oh yeah, I’m the poster that was snippy about the vague booking but I agree, this is our regular.

             To OP,

             Go on tinder. Go on some dates. Bad dates. Good dates. One night stands. Get over this loser who does not deserve your devotion and fidelity. Move on with your life. You only get one.

             1. AND block him on all forms of contact, because you know he’s going to freak out if he sees you might actually move on. He will up the ante on his promises to leave his wife. Heck, he might even do it as a Hail Mary. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS TRASH MAN. He will always be the person who treated you this way, and you already know he makes a terrible husband too.

       2. I had the same thought reading this. Sorry OP, I know you’re in a bad place and this is hard, but a few months from now you’ll wish you had cut ties sooner. Please do yourself the favor and let this go.

       3. Ding ding ding. And if he does dump her, he’ll just cheat on you. I’ve never seen a man be faithful to a woman who was once his mistress.

          1. Yeah. Or in the opposite. My friends who are always coupled always have someone lined up before a breakup – some peope are REALLY really shit at independence, and they ALWAYS have somebody lined up for the “couple”puzzle piece line up.

    7. Professional: set a time line, and keep looking for a new job.

       Romantic: DTMF.

       1. +1,000,000. Seriously, you’re better than this. There are so many jobs/fish in the sea. Take your power back.

       2. THIS. Don’t give up your power like this.

    8. Random shot at the vague question. He’s not going to propose to/move to/leave her for you. Even if that’s not the scenario, don’t depend on anyone else for your joy and fulfillment. If someone’s got your heart between their teeth, take it back and go find a new adventure.

    9. He will not step up. I know it’s hard but him not stepping up is him telling you he doesn’t care about you. Move on, being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t love you.

    10. From the perspective of someone whose life was greatly affected by another person’s decision path to put an aging relative into nursing care, I can tell you that eventually this decision was made, but the relief never came. People to whom your important person is related will affect them forever until death, even if there is little contact. The psychological toll of these decisions is just extremely high (and consider that if it is not high to them, maybe your person is dead inside and what kind of issues this will bring to your relationship). I have no advice since I don’t know your situation, but if you truly have a choice to walk away without selling your soul (i.e. I wouldn’t walk away in my case above without thinking so poorly of myself as a human being that I may as well have just not lived) you will likely be a much happier person in a year.
        Now, if it’s a professional relationship – cut it off and MOVE ON!

    11. https://corporette.com/coffee-break-aubrie-pumps/

        https://corporette.com/weekend-open-thread-535/

        https://corporette.com/weekend-open-thread-536/

        1. Thank you for linking the related threads! Agree that these all seem like the same person.

    12. This decision is not important to your life. If it were, it would have already been made. He is coming on strong because that’s what it takes to get a side piece into bed; he is dragging his feet because he is likes to mess around, not a man in love.

13. Hi all. So like many of us, I gained 10 lbs during the pandemic. My office is reopening next week so I’m in a panic to get a few outfits that look professional and are forgiving for the extra pounds. I still hold out the fantasy that I might lose this extra weight. I went to Theory today and everything on the floor was a size 4. They had to go in the back to get larger sizes. I wanted to run and hide. What are good brands for not skinny women for office formal? I’m in desperate need for a killer suit. I’m also trying to shop more sustainably. Any ideas for office formal, sustainable, and for not super skinny people?

    1. There is nothing to hide about being a size larger than size 4. Gently, you need to accept that before you are able perceive anything that fits you as looking ok, much less killer. A small percentage of women in the US wear a size 4 or smaller. Exhale. 10 lbs is just 10 lbs—even if you are quite short, you are 1 or 2 sizes larger than your prepandemic size, a manageable change. Just buy the bigger clothes so you are comfortable.

14. Everything is so funny here and i really enjoyed. Some are very casual, some are interesting and some are informative. Hope and waiting for the next session as well.

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