Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Floral Blouson Sleeve Top

509 Comments

1. To those who have a city commute of walking + riding the metro/subway…are you Team Backpack or Team Tote Bag? I’ve had both with my suburban driving commute, but I’m about to be a city girl for the first time. I’m leaning towards backpack and a very small crossbody that fits my phone and metro card. But open to thoughts. Please drop links/names of bags too if you recommend.

   1. I’ve always been Team Tote because (1) easy to keep an eye on your belongings, (2) you never inadvertently knock into someone with your backpack – clueless backpack wearers are a menace, and (3) backpacks always made me feel sweatier in the heat. You can mitigate the first 2 of these things by switching your backpack around (wearing it on your front) while in the metro, but I still felt like a wrinkled, sweaty mess both back and front after trying this technique.

      1. I am Team Tote for these reasons as well. It drives me crazy when I’m on a crowded bus or train and someone’s giant backpack smacks me.

      2. This, I’m team tote because I’m old enough to have had it drilled into my head that backpacks are prime targets for snatch and grabs and/or random people being able to access your stuff on a crowded train/bus without you being aware. If you’re going into an office regularly it’s super common to be assigned a drawer/cubbie with a lock for your things – ask about that. It’s been years but when I was going in daily to my NYC office every woman I worked with had a drawer full of ‘office shoes’,an office mug, snacks, first aid/period supplies, computer peripherals, etc. so the things carried in day to day were more minimal.

         1. Yup, The Drawer is alive and well, lol. Shoes, toiletries, non perishable foods, medicine, mints and gum, etc etc.

            When I do this commute I only have to carry laptop, clutch wallet, and any fresh food for that day, so a shoulder tote isn’t that heavy. I also switch sides periodically so one shoulder doesn’t always have the weight.

   2. I only use a backpack when out with my kid, because I want both hands free. I don’t feel super safe keeping my valuables on my back when standing on a crowded subway. If I always got a seat or had to carry around a laptop I would probably change my mind though. For most days, I wear a small/medium purse and usually carry a tote with my lunch/umbrella/book (if it’s too big for my purse). If I’m not bringing a lunch, it’s just the purse. I also don’t hotdesk so I don’t feel the need to carry a water bottle or a lot of other stuff on commuting days. I do see a lot of backpacks on the subway these days.

      1. Hmm, you two might be changing my mind about the backpack! I should add though that I will be carrying around a not-so-light laptop.

   3. I’m team backpack because I get headaches from a heavy bag on my shoulders. I usually take the backpack off and either hold it at my feet or wear it on my front in pre-pandemic crowded subway situations. I have the Everlane regular backpack and smaller cross-body bag and that seems to work well but I just ordered the Lo and Sons backpack because it was onsale to see if it would be a good upgrade.

      1. My shoulders and I like having a balanced load.

      2. +1 I commuted this way with a backpack in Chicago and New York, both subway commutes but not on the creepier trains.

      3. Backpack also. I use a Deuter. It is not cute or cool but has a chest strap so it helps to balance the load even more.

         I swing it around to the front and front carry when the subway (NYC) is crowded. I don’t care if I look ugly or uncool! My belongings stay protected and I don’t get headaches :)

   4. I’m team tote. I get too sweaty wearing a backpack and I personally prefer the look of a tote.

      1. +1. I don’t carry a ton of stuff generally though. Our work laptops are very light, so it doesn’t bother me in a tote.

   5. My nordache backpack is amazing and has pockets on the inside of the backpack (touching my back) so no one can unzip those from behind – they’d have to cut off the backpack to get to it.
      Backpack because of shoulder pain.

   6. Team backpack if you’re carrying a laptop – that’s murder on your back in a tote bag. On the train I take it off and hold it in my hand if standing or on lap.
      I’d rethink the crossbody though, you don’t want to be dealing with arrows that get tangled around each other right before you go onto the train to get your card and your phone. Consider a a phone case with a pocket for your metro card and finding a backpack that has a pocket on the part that goes against your back so you can keep the phone there.

   7. The answer is: backpack if you are carrying a laptop. Tote if it’s just personal stuff, lunch, etc. If you carry the backpack, take it off your back while on the subway.

      1. +1 to everything anon said

         Laptops are heavy and it can seriously damage your shoulder and/or spine to carry a heavy tote for a long commute. I get a lot of back pain from totes, but I’m ok with it if it’s just carrying essentials.

         Riders tend to get annoyed if others have their backpacks on their backs on the subway because it takes up room. Just take it off and put it at your feet or hold in your hands if you want.

         I used to have a Victorinox backpack and currently have the Tumi Carson one.

      2. Agreed, but just want to add that I have a backpack that can be carried as a tote that I love precisely because it lets me do both as needed.

   8. Oh – a VERY unrelated suggestion – but you might want to mask up in the metro. Not for Covid reasons, for when the person next to you in a crowded car has BO that is inescapable.

   9. Team backpack! I have the L & S Hanover – it’s great, can convert to a tote when you prefer.

   10. I was team backpack but have switched to team tote. Team Backpack when I was working at client offices around downtown everyday and had to carry my laptop and a portable monitor, usb mouse, waterbottle, office sweater etc. I have a different job now and just carry a tote with my laptop. Current job provided a full home office setup.

       If you go tote, find a tote that zips closed fully. Just a button closure or no closure at all is just an easy target for your wallet or phone. I prefer totes that are taller than they are wide with a flat base, and a few pockets inside. I keep my transit card in one pocket, keys in another, so its an easy grab and I dont have to pull out my wallet or phone to swipe onto a train or bus.

   11. How much stuff do you need to carry? I’m too old to sacrifice my shoulders for aesthetics.

   12. Total team backpack, ESPECIALLY if you are carrying a laptop. Totes are murder on my shoulders and back.
       Like others I simply turn it around to my front or put it at my feet if the train is even a little bit crowded. I would personally not add the small crossbody to the mix, that sounds like a lot to deal with and be mindful of. I think I usually just have my phone and my card in my pockets when needed, and put them in small backpack compartments when I no longer need them quickly.

   13. Team Backpack for shoulder and back health. I like a very streamlined backpack like the brand Freitag. These also have a top handle so they can be easily held next to you on crowded trains.

2. Everything just feels so heavy after Friday. I haven’t been able to bring myself to read the opinion other than the last line of the dissent, and it has been playing on repeat in my head. “With sorrow…we dissent.” It feels like a whisper into the void for all of the women that are going to die from this decision and for all of the women that will be raising children that they do not want. Women have been dying from trying to terminate a pregnancy, dying from not being able to terminate a pregnancy, and raising children that they did not want from the beginning. While all of these things continued to happen, Roe’s 50 years made these situations in the US less likely. I feel like I’m grieving for all of those women and the women who will come later.

   1. I am also very sad about the reversal of Roe v. Wade. In my view, having safe sex should be viewed as a fundamental right, and for my whole life, abortion was readily available in case women got into trouble, but now, what are women to do in states where it is now illegal? Will an innocent girl from Texas now have to get an illegal abortion from some guy with a hangar just because she was duped into having sex from some sleazey guy who then just zipped up his pants walked away after he had his fun with her, and now where is she to go? Will she have to travel to NYC or California for treatment when she is only 15 years old? I think that all people under the age of 18 should be given the automatic right to get a free abortion. Those over 18 should also be able to get free abortions if they are not married or in a committed relationship. Otherwise, they should pay a discounted rate. We have to many unwanted babies growing up and committing crimes because of their lack of good upbringings.

   2. It took awhile for it to really sink in. Maybe my brain just didn’t want to know on Friday. But I’m with you; I feel full of heaviness, sorrow, and have cried for my daughter’s generation.

   3. I haven’t read it either and I’m usually a legal opinion junkie. I’ve just been hugging my kids harder, apologizing to them silently in my head that they’ll now grow up in a world with fewer rights than I had. Unfucking believable.

   4. Me too. I couldn’t bring myself to read the opinion of the court because I know it essentially boils down to one thing: women were chattel at the time the Constitution was drafted, so we can’t possibly have the right to bodily autonomy. It makes me so sad – for myself, my daughter, and the millions of women and girls who will be harmed by this decision.

      I’m in a once purple state that is now red and am finally moving my family to a blue state next month. I know this is what the right wants – to make things so inhospitable to democrats that they leave, and then they can have even more power – but I just can’t take it any more.

   5. On Friday night, my husband looked at my cat and told him “get ready to be picked up since your humans will be having some feels and drinking this weekend,” and that about sums up my mood since then.

   6. Academically, I understand the legal basis for the opinion, and I get it – I just don’t agree.

      What I’ve been directing my rage at over the weekend is elected representatives – shame on all of them (and us for our voting choices) for not enshrining this access into law. Shame on all of those heartless states with the 6-week bans and the lack of exceptions – have you ever met anyone faced with a devastating choice to abort a very wanted second-term pregnancy? It’s already the worst day of their life, you’ve somehow managed to make it worse. I can’t imagine being forced to carry an unviable pregnancy to term, and I am so, so sad that now some women will have to.

      1. If it’s merely enshrined into law and not the constitution, it’s subject to change every time the majority of congress changes.

   7. Our local paper had an interview with a doctor who went to medical school in the late 60’s, and at that time they had specific training on how to recognize and treat the signs of infection, sepsis, etc. from a botched home abortion since they had patients come in all the time. After 1973, those visits almost entirely stopped. 10 years ago they did have a case come it, and none of the newer trained doctors understood what was going on but he recognized the symptoms immediately. Guess they’ll have to start coving this again …

      1. I believe it. My late father-in-law was an ob-gyn who did his training in this time frame. He was permanently impacted / affected from having to care for the many young women who came in with botched abortions who were septic, and he was not able to save them all. He talked about this until the day he died and was a huge proponent of abortion as part of women’s healthcare.

         By the way, my spouse is also an ob–gyn (and pro-choice, though he thankfully didn’t have to deal with dying septic patients during his training). His practice is getting a new ob-gyn who is currently finishing residency in Texas. Apparently the programs are giving residents “abortion rotations” where they fly them out to (in this case) California so he can learn the appropriate medical care, since he can’t learn it in Texas. Amazing.

         1. That’s crazy. Thank you for sharing that.

   8. I’m a healthcare attorney and have been working on this all weekend. Y’all. I am not okay. As a person and as a woman, this work feels sickening even though it is my literal job. I am so angry and so sad and editing corporate policies like it’s any other task at work feels very wrong.

      1. This. I work for a company that announced additional coverage for flights/housing/medical care if you need to leave your home area. I cannot believe that this is the world we’re living in and large corporations apparently care more about my rights than this country does. My global coworkers are shocked and appalled and have all asked how we’re doing. I am just so sad and numb.

         1. Can I ask what countries? Because my understanding was that they all have similar bans (12 weeks, 15 weeks, etc.). Or do they have exceptions that we don’t? Or are you worried that our state laws are (or will be changed) to be less than that? Just curious how this all works.

            1. This isn’t a “similar ban” issue. There is no federally protected right to an abortion at any point anymore.

            2. No, I get that. But I assume there isn’t in these other countries either, right?

            3. Look at our state laws now, abortion is banned in most of the country under that test

            4. It’s a nationally protected right in most western countries and is not difficult to obtain in other large non-western countries as well (China, Russia). There are reasonable exceptions for health reasons after 12/15 weeks in most and it is usually much more accessible before that time, both financially (universal healthcare) and practically (clinics/telemedicine/rx/etc.), which makes the need for it after 12/15 weeks less, too.

            5. You say “we” and “our,” so I assume you’re living in the United States. If that’s the case, I’m not sure how you don’t know yet but abortion for any reason (other than maybe saving the life of the woman) is outlawed in many states now, regardless of timing. Not up to 12 weeks, not up to 15 weeks. Illegal. Period. My state is one such hellhole.

               I can’t think of any countries that I’d want to emulate that have outright bans that would force a woman to carry a fetus without a brain to term. Or force a child impregnated by rape to give birth, etc.

            6. I literally acknowledged in my question that some states are less than that. When someone is asking to discuss something openly and fairly, the proper response is not to assume they are an idiot.

               Thanks, AIMS. That is helpful.

            7. I live in Germany and here it is accessible for 12 weeks, afterward in case of medical necessity.

               Another poster indicated it was not difficult to obtain in Russia and other non-western countries and I want to add that is because in Russia there is a law protecting the right to abortion up to 12 weeks.

            8. In Canada there is no law. Issues of accessibility exist for more rural areas. Public paid in cases of medical need. And in my province they give a large operating grant to the main clinic in the capital city for first trimester abortions so cost is minimal.

            9. Anon2 – It is certainly true that many “liberal” European counties only allow abortion on demand up to 14-18 weeks. However, a few points:

               – In those countries, early abortion and other reproductive care are easily accessed.
               – They have very broad outs. For example, France only allows abortion up to 14 weeks, but there are exceptions if continuing the pregnancy will be harmful to the physical or mental health of the mother or if the fetus has serious abnormalities. And (at least it is my understanding but I welcome correction from anyone with more information) that decision is largely left to women and health care professionals.
               – As people have posted above, the issue is not that the Supreme Court ruled that states can impose reasonable limits on abortion. The conservative canard notwithstanding, most pro-choice people do not think people should be allowed to terminate healthy pregnancies in healthy women in the 3rd trimester. It is that they ruled that states can ban abortion completely – with virtually no exceptions – a step that numerous states have taken or will take in the immediate future.

            10. I distinctly remember talking about abortion with fellow teachers in Russia (all Russian) and how one had had one and all agreed it was a no-brainer that it should be available. I was really surprised, because it was so different than the conflicted attitudes I grew up with.

            11. Yeah Curious, I’m Russian and it’s really not controversial in Russia the way it is here. It’s still very strange to me that in America, the land of freedom, people think that the government can tell you what to do with your reproductive health! I would expect that kind of thing from China but…

            12. Many state laws are banning abortion after a heartbeat is detected, which is as early as 5-6 weeks. The way pregnancies are dated means you’re “2 weeks pregnant” when you conceive, and usually at least 4 weeks pregnant before a home pregnancy test could turn positive. So that’s a VERY short amount of time to get an abortion, even assuming you’re anticipating a pregnancy and testing regularly which is obviously not the case for most unplanned pregnancies. The GOP is already discussing expanding it even further to make the destruction of a fertilized embryo illegal, which would obviously ban abortion completely and also affect things like IVF.

                How do you not understand this? This is not a 15 week ban. This is a complete ban in the red states and possibly nationally if they get an R in the white house in 2024.

         2. Same. I had to draft this response for my large US emoyer. I have been in employee benefits over 30 years and this is the first time I am sickened by what I have to put in place to support employees. I am sickened by the “why”.

            1. This is maddening, because the tech etc companies get to be “woke” and yet again the people most impacted (poor, colored, or from abusive households) are still shafted. How is this happening?! I’m at a loss for what to do.

   9. I live in Texas and would like to call my representatives/senators. And ask what? That I strongly support that we pass at the state level at least some protection for abortion rights, or at a minimum that we not criminalize women going out of state to get them? Can anyone help me here? I want to do something here (and if I focus my efforts on that maybe I can avoid feeling too much…)

      1. This is my conundrum. I want to do something that’s meaningful as it relates to my “representatives.” I am already donating to abortion funds, etc., but I am so mad at these a-holes for not doing $hit and I feel like there is nothing I can do but surely there has to be something?

      2. Call and tell them they aren’t representing you. Log your dissent. Make them uncomfortable, or rather don’t let them think everyone is just going to lie down and take this. I’m in TX too and I know it is pointless to call reps, but you may find small satisfaction in pointing out to them they aren’t pro-life, they are forced birth, fascist, racist, sexist, traitors.
         Then donate to democratic, pro choice candidates running in your area. Donate to local progressive candidates. Go on a block walk to get out the vote. Train to become a VDR and get your friends, neighbors, going to be 18 year old teens and other ready to vote in November. Run for a race – be the sane option to the right wing looney currently trying to infest your particular school board, etc. This is all a lot of work, and it’s a long game, but that’s what it going to take to change this mess.

      3. I mean…no offense but I don’t understand why you’re wasting your time with this? Texas is a lost cause. All southern states are a lost cause. And that’s been true since 1865. If you want to help yourself and the rest of the United States, write your representatives saying you’re in support of the Texas secession movement, and then make plans to move.

         1. That is untrue and reflects ignorance of some of the more recent political shifts. Much of the south is getting bluer as the Midwest gets redder. 538 had some good coverage on this.

            1. “Much of the south is getting bluer as the Midwest gets redder.”

               LMAO. I guess this is true, the same way it’s true that a snail on a sidewalk gets incrementally closer to the grass over a period of several hours. You could probably say that’s been happening since the end of the Civil War and we still got abortion bans and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

               The Deep South is like that cousin many of us have that can’t get his sh*t together and people keep saying “well, we have to give him credit for trying! At least he keeps trying!” At a certain point, trying doesn’t cut it. Deep South senators and representatives comprise a huge part of the problem in Congress. The Dobbs case came out of Mississippi. As a blue-state person who would like the country to move forward out of the 19th century, I’m getting tired of the whole “well, but we have to let them keep trying” ethic around the Deep South. I’ve traveled there, I have family there and those states are going backwards, not forwards. They also suck down far more tax dollars than they contribute. If they want to rewind the clock on human rights, we should let them rewind it all the way back to 1861 and secede from the Union again, and this time let them go. They can go form a white supremacist Christian theocracy and live their best racist, sexist, homophobic/transphobic regressive lives. Meanwhile, California, Washington and Oregon can form their own nation and actually, you know, live in the 21st century and have all the benefits of progress and an educated, technologically-capable population.

               We are not the “United States” any more and have not been for a long time. It would be better to just acknowledge it than keep crossing our fingers and hoping our deadbeat, do-nothing, underachieving cousins will eventually get it together and contribute something of value. I am 100% pro-Southern secession and would make it happen tomorrow, if I could.

            2. Anon at 11:15– I live in the south, and I agree with parts of your comment. My state is going backward. There are some progressive people, but we lose ground in every election, partially because of gerrymandering.

               But how callous for you to say that you support the south seceding and setting up a pre-Civil War regime. You understand that there are BIPOC people here (lots of them!) who wouldn’t have a way to leave in this scenario? Not mention that sharing a border with a fascist country (especially one that would probably be considerably poorer) seems dangerous.

         2. I don’t think that’s accurate at all.

         3. Again with this argument to just move. I don’t judge people for deciding to do that, but it does leave behind everyone who doesn’t have the resources and autonomy to do so: in this case, the same population who won’t have the resources to access abortion. It solves a problem for yourself as an individual, but exacerbates it for many others.

            1. I hear this but what would it look like if in a year 1/2 of all highly-paid, highly educated people left TX? What does that do to the TX tax budget? What does that do to their reputation? I think it would have an impact.

            2. Yes, I agree and am advocating for people not to assume moving away is a good option. This is how I feel about leaving the US as an American.

            3. I know this may be an unpopular opinion- I’m from Texas, left when I was 17, and just moved back this year from the east coast at 33. I love Texas so deeply, I’m not particularly interested in leaving. Yes we have our problems (and this is a HUGE one). but there are a lot of good things too and candidly, I’m not interested in moving. I don’t begrudge anyone else leaving who wants to, and I’m in no way defending any of the awful things that my state govt does. But I do find it kind of hard in my work and friend group (which is largely coastal) to be a highly educated professional WOC and not get a lot of sh*t for deciding to move back here. I love Texas, problems and all. I’m back here largely to try to make them better. And in the meantime, I love my life here too.

         4. The “just move” argument doesn’t help me. I’m in Texas and if I move out of state, where I share custody of my child, I will lose custody of my child. I’m sure plenty of other women have similar ties to an area – caring for elderly parents, ties to community, family roots, career, financial reasons they cannot “just move”, etc. Anon at 10:15 am, is that the choice you’re asking us to make?

            1. We need people who care about abortion access to STAY and VOTE in red states. Call your reps, tell them what you want (no ban, period) and keep calling. Then donate to their democratic opponents and knock on doors for them. Donate to the National Network of Abortion Funds and other national orgs (I hesitate to say local clinics because a lot of them will be closing). (And I say this as someone VERY involved in this work.)

            2. Completely understand there are a lot of people that can’t just pick up and move. But very honestly, folks living in red states complaining about how their states don’t respect people’s rights is starting to seem like that old story about the scorpion and the frog – you know, where the scorpion convinces the frog to swim him across the stream, and then the scorpion stings the frog anyway because “that’s my nature”? I respect that people want to try to improve conditions where they live but also just think that some pragmatism is probably a good idea. I don’t think any amount of writing Ted Cruz’s office asking him to see sense and reason is going to work, and unfortunately with gerrymandering and other factors, getting blue politicians in place in places like Texas, Mississippi, etc. is going to be an uphill battle. Also, even with family considerations, job considerations, etc. some people – for example, people with trans children – are moving, to make sure that their kids don’t end up living in a place where their existence is actually seen as a threat and as a result, their health and safety is in danger. It all comes down to what people value – comfort vs. freedom. Everyone has to find their own path forward.

            3. Anon at 11:59 — You’re right that calling Cruz’s office will never work. One of my senators is Tom Cotton, so I get that my contacting his office isn’t moving the needle. But contacting politicians in state legislatures can make a difference if done en masse. Whether to thank and support those who are doing the right thing when it is incredibly difficult or to express what the constituency wants. That all sometimes feels like screaming in the wind as well, but it has a higher chance of success than contacting national office holders.

               I don’t begrudge anyone moving, especially when their safety or their children’s safety is at risk. But I also don’t think it’s helpful for people who haven’t experienced the climate in these places to say that people who stay an organize are doing it wrong or that they’re not being pragmatic. Plus we live in a world where I can feel frustrated about what’s happening in my state but still also take actions to try to make it better.

         5. I’m not spending any money in Texas. My sister lives there and if she wants to see me, she has to come to my blue state. I am not spending any time or money in states with draconian abortion laws period. I will also not attend any conferences and will refuse all forms of business travel to such states, which, fortunately, I am in a position to do.

            Please join me.

      4. I’ve worked in politics and calling reps does change things when done en masse. This one in Texas might be a long shot but honestly I can’t really be okay with not doing anything at all. It’s a step that takes less than 5 minutes and is painless. If you can get all emotional about our lack of rights then you can call your rep and it’ll be more effective still.

      5. I’m avoiding the moral outrage approach and focusing my communications instead on something my republican representatives might actually care about – taxes. A lot of these kids are going to require a lot of government support. Some will end up in foster care, most will end up in the schools, many will be dependent on government benefits, and a lot of moms who would otherwise be in the workforce are now going to be home b/c they can’t afford childcare. My taxes are about to go up. Maybe they’ll care about that (even if they can’t give two sh*its about my bodily autonomy?)

         1. Nah, all the babies will be adopted by good (white) Christian families, who will then be given tax cuts to help them pay for bringing up these babies in a proper Christian manner.

            1. Ha, joke’s on them. Too bad they only want to adopt healthy white newborn babies born to but-for teenage virgins who were raped and who virtuously decided to carry the baby to term and had an uncomplicated birth and went on to lead a successful life free from guilt and shame without ever trying to contact the adoptive parents.

               In reality, the darker-skinned babies, or the medically fragile ones, or the ones who enter the foster care system too late don’t get adopted. And the kids with bio-moms who used drugs, or who didn’t get prenatal care, or who tried to parent against impossible odds before losing their kids to the system, or who are still struggling and are having their kids adopted out against their consent … THOSE kids don’t get adopted either.

               I am so f*cking livid about this. About all of it.

      6. Call everyone. I wish I could call every red state politician (and would, if it made any difference coming from NY). And then volunteer to knock on doors with every pro-choice democrat running in this and next years’ elections.

      7. Read up on your local scheme and ask for specific changes.

      8. I live in California and I also feel there’s nothing I can do, but on the opposite end. Everyone already agrees with me here! My rep is Barbara Lee, my senators are Dianne Feinstein and Alex Padilla.

         1. You can call your senators and lobby for national legislation to overrule Roe. You can also lobby for the ERA window to be reopened so we have women’s rights in the Constitution.

         2. You can call your legislators to ask them to support making California a safe haven state, which includes providing funding to assist with transportation & lodging (NPR had a good story about it).

            You can donate to assistance funds to help pregnant people in states with draconian restrictions get to states that respect their rights.

            You can donate to campaigns in other states where the battle is raging right now.

      9. volunteer for and donate to the Beto campaign. That’s our only hope.

         signed, fellow Texas dweller (though originally from the northeast) with two young daughters, grateful that i’m done being pregnant but don’t want my daughters to become mothers in this state

   10. I read the majority opinion and the concurrences on Friday and then started on the dissent but got tired. I still need to finish reading it. It is just so sad.

   11. Also hold your municipal (local) electeds accountable. I’m in MA, yet I work across the street from a “crisis pregnancy center” fake clinic that woos largely low income/WOC/immigrant women in with a free pregnancy test and ultrasound and then has the anti-abortion indoctrination begin. These fake clinics have volunteers wear scrubs to seem more legit. Municipalities can pass CPC bans or regulations requiring them to publicly state they aren’t a real licensed clinic and don’t discuss or refer for abortions. Look up fake clinics in your area, contact your City Council and Mayor saying you want truth in advertising.

       1. First job out of law school, I clerked for a judge who had to oversee a murder case for a 16-year old girl who went to one of those places looking for help. She was 10 weeks along and pregnant with mom’s boyfriend’s baby. Know what they did to help? Fu*king nothing. Didn’t even offer to help her tell her mom or call the police. They gave her a ultrasound and pack of diapers, and lied about the health risks of abortion and the options she had to abort without mom’s knowledge or consent. She was a heavier girl and no one knew she was pregnant – gave birth alone in a basement and suffocated the baby so no one would know.

          It’s been years but I remember the absolute rage I felt watching the Crisis Center lady testify about how their mission began and ended at convincing people not to abort. Clinic was (is) across the street from the high school.

          1. This didn’t happen.

             Sure: I have volunteered at CPCs and they all help women up to and after birth.

             1. Huh? There are CPCs in my area, and my understanding is that they do not offer actual help unless the woman wants to place the child for adoption (CERTAINLY not after birth), and they definitely hand out information that has inaccurate information about abortions.

                Source: Volunteered at an abortion clinic across the street from a CPC and saw the “literature” first-hand.

   12. What I am most concerned about is what comes next. A federal right of personhood decision could take away Blue state rights, and a set of decisions that specific methods of birth control are abortifacients could take away effective birth control. It’s absolutely key for all women in all states to speak up, and for suburban Republican women to support moderate candidates. The suburban R women can swing election’s when they get angry.

       1. This. I am very concerned that my right to vote is on the line. Not a lawyer.

3. Traveling to Madrid for work in early fall, and trying to decide whether to tack on a few days to actually explore before flying home. Typically my European style is one or two ‘tourist’ things per day (there is a limit to how much art and churches I can absorb at once), leaving plenty of time for wandering and eating. Thinking of 3 days – is that the right amount? One day spent on a day trip? (Toledo? A wine region – I do love a wine tour!)

   1. Toledo is incredible!

      1. +1. One of my favorite trips.

         Definitely tack on a few days. Madrid is great. Make sure you visit the Thyssen Bornemisza – maybe my favorite art museum anywhere.

   2. Gah – love Spain!! Toledo is great and a very easy day trip. I was also a big fan of Segovia, which I think is equally easy.

      1. +1 I prefer Toledo but the aqueduct in Segovia was really something to behold. If not opposed to pork, do try the cochinillo asado in Segovia.

   3. Madrid is one of my favorite cities, and it is a super easy place to travel to! If you stay anywhere close to the city center, its a great place to wander because its incredibly walkable. If you’d rather take the train, the subway system is basically foolproof, as are the trains if you’d like to get out of the city (Segovia and Toledo are both good day trip options). For art, you could easily spend all three days at the Prado/Thyssen/Reina Sofia (Reina Sofia is my favorite, but all are great), but I’d pick the one that looks most interesting and spend half a day there. I recommend picking up some snacks and spending some time with a picnic and book in El Retiro park. For food recs, Somebody Feed Phil on Netflix just did a Madrid episode. Enjoy!

   4. Toledo is amazing and an easy train ride away. There are three world-class museums. Take a look at their collections and decide which once you prefer (I know a lot of people prefer the Thyssen Bornemisza but I love the Reina Sofia and my daughter prefers the Prado).

      Also, if you like wine, I highly recommend the Madrid Tapas Crawl by Food Lover Tour. It was amazing. It is a small group tour that takes you outside the main tourist center of Madrid and to a variety of different restaurants for different tapas and drinks at each one.

   5. 3 days is perfect if you do not want to do “touristic”things the whole day.
      As day trips I recomend Aranjuez+Chinchon visiting a cave in Cenicientos. Toledo, La Granja or El escorial are good ideas if you like museums, palaces and so on. The same Alcalá de Henares. Segovia&Avila are good for strolling around and visiting churchs and monuments if you want but the towns are enought charming if you dont want.
      If you really are into wine visits you can do a day trip to Ribera del Duero region in an organized day trip visiting several wineries. https://winetourismspain.com/
      Let me know if you see the message and I will reply with a two days strolling around Madrid.

4. After OTC retinols for several years I’ve started using 0.05 Retin-A. I’m doing every other night and wondered if people use other treatments/serums on their off nights, or just moisturizer?

   Also, I have like three containers of retinol I can’t return. I’m thinking use them on my hands and neck? Anything I’m not thinking of?

   1. Following

   2. I use azaleic acid gel on off nights, or my fade serum for hyperpigmentation. I’ve been using Retin A for 3 years so I’m rarely sensitive. You should ease in to other actives – your skin can get REALLY irritated from the combination.

5. I am having trouble focusing on work this morning. I know that a large chunk of my office is celebrating the decision and I am the opposite – I agree with the dissent. Not sure if anyone has advice for me. I feel similar to after the 2016 election. And maybe it is time for me to look for a different job. And that also feels overwhelming.

   1. You work in a professional setting in the US with…mostly Republicans? Can I ask what industry and where? I feel like this is rare these days.

      1. Have you met lawyers? I think 90% of my law school class belongs to the Federalist Society. I am assuming finance is the same way. Gotta protect that bottom line at the expense of the little guy.

         1. Same here. I’m in suburban ny.
            I work in house at an insurance company. The vast majority of my attorney colleagues voted for trump twice. Most are Catholic or Jewish but very few with the kind of attitudes about pre-martial s€X that people use to describe Christians elsewhere. In 2016 most said that trump wouldn’t “really” impact women’s rights. I’m 100% sure they will vote for trump again and if pressed will say that women still have these rights here in New York so who cares? Oh and guess what else? They’ll vote for Zelden for governor despite the fact that he’d do away with those rights too.

            I’m sick of all the polls about 80% of Americans being pro choice. If you vote for the forced birth candidate than you are pro forced birth.

            I want everyone to be relentless about this with the family and friends who are outraged right now. If you want to have CHOICE than you don’t have a choice; no forced birth candidates should have your consideration, let alone your vote. Gas prices will not be your biggest financial problem if you are forced to give birth against your will. That’s true from New York to Mississippi. LETS GO!

            1. It’s key to be vocal about this and about sensible gun control. If suburban Republican women started voting for the moderate candidates in their party, that would stop the madness.

         2. I work in a blue state, attended law school in a different blue state. Your experience does not match mine at all. Not all lawyers…

            1. +1

         3. People who “protect corporations” are not necessarily Republicans.

            Analysis:

            https://news.bloomberglaw.com/us-law-week/snubbing-trump-lawyers-doling-more-cash-to-democrats

            https://academic.oup.com/jla/article/8/2/277/2502548

      2. How can it be rare when 74 million people voted for a second Trump term? That’s after the Ukraine call impeachment and pushing through 3 justices. A lot of people want this.

         1. I think a lot of people naively saw his as an unlikely outcome and voted for their stock portfolios and are just now waking up to realize their fundamental rights are actually at stake.

            1. The ‘their’ here is white women, let’s be clear. Voters of color did not overwhelmingly support Trump (Black women: 8% in 2020). I don’t have much faith in white men, but I hope white women will wake the F up.

            2. I had dinner about a week with a friend/former coworker who is pro choice but voted for Trump because she says she “had no choice,” whatever that means. We were talking about 1/6 at the time, but now, with this, I think we are not friends any more. I can’t be friends with people think like she does.

      3. There are professional offices in places other than NY and CA. And I’d imagine lots of conservative rich people in those places as well. Sadly, this experience probably isn’t rare.

         1. Yup! I love you all but this board has a really skewed idea of how Americans think, in my opinion.

            You think all the anti-vaxxers are less than literate poor folks from the south. I’ve met them at yoga and at work and at country clubs. They shop at Whole Foods. Same with trump voters and bigots and r@cists. My husband’s Catholic, former marine, construction worker uncle who talks like Jersey shore parody and thinks fart jokes are hilarious? He’s very pro-women’s rights.

            I get that stereotypes exist for a reason but there are plenty of trump people in the bluest states and plenty of democrats in the reddest. I think we do ourselves a disservice to pretend otherwise.

            1. Can confirm. My anti-vaxx cousin is a Yale-trained surgeon.

            2. Agree. I have two transgender cousins who rabidly pro trump. Another with six kids, four of whom are now in foster care, who’s purportedly against entitlement programs and government assistance. My mom is as left-wing as you can get … defund the police, universal healthcare … but doesn’t trust vaccines. People are complicated.

            3. Yes. Similarly for assuming that the South is a hopeless cause and only New England and the West Coast are somehow safe. There are plenty of white supremacists in Washington State and Oregon, and a lot of the anti-abortion rights people I know are Catholics from Tennessee, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Illinois — not Florida and Mississippi.

            4. I want to hang with your uncle. He sounds awesome.

            5. Yes. I live in a southern state, and this board is very out of touch with that reality. Too many people in liberal bubbles interacting with fellow liberals in similar liberal bubbles. I am often the odd liberal in professional and social settings (doesn’t stop me from opening my mouth). But I think Democrats have a very skewed view of the country.

         2. I was the person who asked the question, and I don’t live in NY or CA. I live in a small city in a flyover state, and I’ve never encoutnered or personally heard of a workplace where the majority of those working there both hold advanced degrees and are Republicans, outside of expressly political organizations. There’s been tons of reporting on how the highly educated have fled the GOP, so I don’t think it just comes down to my ‘skew’ either.

            1. Well, you’ve head of one now. (I can admit I’m not practicing high level law but I think a law degree qualifies as an “advanced degree.”) I have also appeared before a Jewish judge in Brooklyn whose own son stormed the capital shoulder to shoulder with neo nazis. I’d love to think these are all uneducated people but I really think that’s inaccurate.

         3. He!!, I’m in So Cal and many rich white Boomer men of my acquaintance still support Trump!

      4. I’m not the OP, but professional staff positions in my big state U in the south skew WAY to the right. I’m very much the outlier in my office as a progressive person.

   2. I’m so mad at my former colleagues who reassured me that I was being overly dramatic because

      1) there was no way Trump was getting elected
      2) he’s not that bad
      3) Kavanaugh wasn’t that bad
      4) Roe was established law

   3. I was in a DC law firm during the 2016 election and almost my whole team cleared out the night of the Federalist Society dinner. It was so disheartening to see all of those educated, wealthy, privileged people vote for Trump (oh, they said they were holding their noses to do it, but holding their noses so they could get this very outcome). I know it seems overwhelming, but my life has improved 1000x over from not having to be around those people day in and day out, and make the decision every day to either hold my opinions in or stick my neck out because I knew people with less power in the firm (paralegals, admins) were hearing the kind of trash the other lawyers were spewing and I didn’t want them to think we all thought that way. If you can muster up the energy to leave, I promise it will be worth it.

   4. I work in an office (in Southern CA) where pretty much everyone is a devout Catholic or an evangelical. I’m just grateful that we don’t talk about this stuff during work hours because I don’t think I could hold my tongue.

      1. Sorry, should have qualified that with descriptor with, “is a devout Catholic or evangelical who opposes abortion.”

6. I’m looking to follow the Mediterranean diet more closely, so am looking for any recipes and tips anyone has. I’m not a bad cook, but I’m not at all creative in the kitchen and thus need specific recipes (I can’t look at the recommended foods and come up with meals out of a list of foods!). I also don’t love cooking so I try to cook once or twice a week and eat leftovers, have snacky meals, etc. I don’t like cooking elaborate meals that require a ton of ingredients or take a long time to prep/cook (I like to keep the hands on part of cooking to less than 30 mins, but am ok if something roasts in the oven for an hour)

   1. Mediterranean cooking is generally super fresh and super quick. The recipes are generally very simple, but bursting with flavors due to the freshness of the ingredients. We eat a primarily Mediterranean diet because my dh is Greek and it comes naturally to him, and I like the food. I’ll suggest:

      https://www.themediterraneandish.com/
      https://www.olivetomato.com/ (I think if you scroll around she has one or two different weeklong plans to help simplify things.)

      A few hints, shop your farmers’ market and get really fresh fruits and veggies. Keep lots of cucumbers and tomatoes on hand, peel a head of garlic, and store the cloves in the fridge, because you’ll go through it quickly.

      1. these resources look awesome, thank you!

   2. We got a Ninja Foodi Air Fryer Oven that is both an air fryer and small oven (it flips up) so we can quickly make small meals without heating up the whole kitchen. We primarily use these two cookbooks:
      The Mediterranean Diet Quick and Easy 5-Ingredient Cookbook: 100+ Recipes, tips and tricks for a healthy heart, brain and soul
      Mediterranean Air Fryer: 95 Healthy Recipes to Fry, Roast, Bake, and Grill

      My go-to quick meal is lemon chicken thighs (cheap, fast, and tasty). This is closest to my recipe but I don’t marinate any longer than the time it takes for the skillet or grill to heat up. Just rub some spices on the chicken, coat it in oil and lemon juice, and then cook for 6 minutes on each side. Serve it with whatever veggies you have (fried squash or zucchini in the same pan is really delish, or even just slice up a tomato, sprinkle with salt, and eat raw), and maybe a few of the mini-naan breads from Costco.
      https://www.themediterraneandish.com/easy-lemon-chicken

   3. I know you want recipes, and hopefully people will get you some, but I think you are overcomplicating things. Pick a protein and two vegetables or a veg and a bean. They don’t have to be cooked together. They can be cooked separately. All you really need to make food delicious is salt, pepper, and olive oil. Garlic and onions and lemon help, too. Spinach sauteed with some garlic and olive oil is delicious. Broccoli roasted in salt, pepper, and olive oil and then doused with a squeeze of lemon juice is delicious. Chicken and fish really don’t need anything beyond these ingredients either. If you want to cook dried beans (you should definitely make beans), check out the Rancho Gordo method for cooking. You don’t have to get your beans there. It’s simple and also requires few ingredients.

   4. I like to use the BBC good food pages to find new recipes if I’m starting from scratch with a cuisine. If you’re wanting the diet version of the diet, one of the more popular recipe books where I live was the one by Fedon Lindberg. He’s a low GI Mediterranean diet doctor, and has a book called “Eating the Greek Way” you might enjoy. (Avoid the supplements etc though!)

7. I”m about to move to a new apartment, which is more expensive than my current place (and am going from 4 roommates to living alone!). While I can definitely afford the new apartment, I will need to cut back on my impulse spending and am looking for tips on how to do so. I feel like I don’t spend much, and then I check my credit card statement and it’s “overbudget”; it feels like a lot of little things adding up.

   1. How much $ do you need to cut and what would you miss the most? (Nominations: Subscriptions that are underused? Takeout or delivery that you could replace with keeping easy options at home like frozen meals? Alcohol while out dining or at a bar? Popping into Sephora to try something new? Browsing retailer new arrivals or sale sections to see if anything catches your eye?)

   2. Keep a log of everything you spend, other than your fixed expenses. I am sure there are apps, but I when I did it, I just kept mine in Notes on my phone. I would total it on most days, and definitely on a weekly basis. If you know how much discretionary spending you are comfortable with, you will be able to see how your actual spending matches or deviates, whether you spend too much on carryout or clothes, etc. As with food intake, writing things down also provides a kind of accountability that often prevents going with an impulse.

      1. This. I’ve been doing it for more than 20 years and it really helps keep you conscious. Also, give yourself a spending money “allowance” and stop spending when it’s gone.

   3. My two biggest tips:

      – Budget a flat amount of cash with each paycheck for impulse purchases and don’t pay for unbudgeted items with a credit card.
      – Buy more expensive groceries to get ingredients for homemade lunches – still cheaper than eating out for lunch, which really adds up fast. Same with splurging on the good coffee brands to make at home.
      – When it worked with my lifestyle, bike everywhere vs. a gym membership. Now I have two kids to drop off and pick up at daycare so it’s no longer feasible, but biking is great for lots of reasons – almost free, no pollution, great workout.

   4. That’s the problem… I’ve already cut back on a lot of easy to find unnecessary spending: I dropped over half of the subscriptions I had (now am down to Hulu, Planet Fitness, a Pret coffee subscription and a $25 Boost mobile phone plan – a grand total of $73/mo). Having the Pret subscription means I very rarely buy other coffees and I’m good about not getting food when I’m there for coffee. I do most of my shopping on the cheap: TJ Maxx, consignment, Quince and I only shop 1-2x a month. I cut back on takeout a few months ago – now I get it 2x a month instead of 2x a week. I walk almost everywhere I go so am rarely spending money on the subway, Ubers, or gas (though, of course, when I do buy gas now its $$). I pack lunch at least 75% of the time for work. I cut back on pedicures and started doing my nails at home…

      In reviewing my credit card statements it’s mostly groceries (1 main trip plus 1-2 impromptu trips a week), happy hours (frequent, but relatively inexpensive), and random, small CVS/Target purchases to pickup shampoo or paper towels or dish soap.

      I’m looking to cut out about $500/mo, but I don’t see how I can do so without feeling like I”m really depriving myself. I know inflation, rent prices, gas prices, utility prices, etc. are absolutely wild right now, but even so I feel like I should be able to afford a $1,400 apartment on a 80k salary with no debt and still be able to go to $5 happy hour.

      1. Well, if cutting expenses is not possible at this point, can you get creative and earn some extra cash? Pick items up at yard sales and sell them on ebay or somewhere? do some sort of on line tutoring one evening a week? Ask for a raise? Change jobs? Air bnb your apt when you are out of town? Think about increasing income as well as decreasing expenses. And check your tax returns…any possibilities there? Think about an easy side-hustle, as you have already managed your expenses.

         1. Unfortunately, I’ve been at my current job for less than 6 months so raises/promotions/new jobs aren’t possible yet, and I have some personal/family obligations that don’t give me time to pickup a second job. I guess I will have to cut out the remaining frivolous spending I’m doing and white knuckle it until inflation calms the eff down. And, I only have 3 weddings left this year so that will help since I”m almost done buying wedding gifts!

            I guess I was really looking for tips on convincing yourself that you don’t need xyz fun purchase (a pack of gum at checkout, kerrygold butter vs store brand butter) when you need to cut back on spending.

            1. If you need to enforce discipline then make it harder for yourself to spend money. Bring the cash you have in your budget for a grocery trip and leave your credit card at home.

            2. Also, become a lopsided shopper. Like- we don’t buy soup or pasta sauce unless it’s on sale, but when it is on sale we purchase a lot of it!

            3. oh good call ! Now that I won’t be sharing pantry space 5 ways, I should have space to stock up when things are on sale!

            4. Definitely give it some time; you get used to your adjusted spending habits, and you will miss things less and might be able to cut more here and there. From my baseline, your eating out habits do seem pretty spendy (counting the coffee subscription, occasional takeout, buying lunch 1-2 times per week, happy hours, and you didn’t mention whether you go to restaurants). That’s basically paying for another person to prepare a meal or beverage for you every single day. I don’t mean to shame you at all for this, just saying that you can get used to very different levels over time and it will feel normal to you.
               That being said, $80k income with a $1400 rental really should feel comfortable. Do you overpay for car insurance or utilities?

            5. If you’re spending $450 a month in groceries, there’s a lot of room to cut. I spend around $400 for 2 people and think we eat pretty well (we don’t eat out much, so that covers almost all meals). That’s still not $500 a month, though, so I definitely suggest tracking and figure out what else you can cut.

            6. I make a lot less than you do and am doing fine, so I’m positive you can cut $500 a month and be OK. If I were you, I’d do something that really brought my spending into focus. Either (or both):
               • A no-spend month where you commit to buy absolutely nothing that isn’t a direct replacement of something essential and consumable (shampoo, toilet paper, etc.). Not being able to spend any money will quickly show you all the places and times you WANT to spend money.
               • A budget that accounts for all the money you have available each month. You have X amount coming in each month — how much of that is available for discretionary spending, and how are you going to allocate that spending? A budget is actually a spending plan or a life plan — it’s a plan for the way you’re going to live so that you get to do what’s most important to you. when you have that kind of plan, you recognize that choosing to spend money on name-brand butter or impulse gum means that money isn’t available to get spent somewhere else that is more important to you than butter or gum. It’s no longer about “I can’t have fuuuunn!!!” or “I can’t have the niiiiice stuff!” but “I choose to have this kind of fun, not that kind of fun.” Or, “I love nice stuff, so I’m going to make sure i don’t carelessly spend my money on meh stuff.”

            7. If you really want to get serious about saving money on groceries, start a price book. Grocery stores are always having sales on things, and if you only buy on sale and stock up, you can save a ton of money. I did this for years when my son was growing up. Google “grocery price book” and/or “grocery price book template” to see what it’s all about.

            8. I think you just get used to it-or you see your savings going down, not up, and you get scared into it. For online purchases I make a cart and then wait a day or two before purchasing – usually I decide I don’t need some items or at all.
               Your grocery bill is very high. Since you have a car, drive to Costco or Aldi in the burbs and stock up. We get a big salmon or package of pork chops or chicken and portion and freeze smaller portions. For fruit, focus on simpler and seasonal (and less imported expensive berries). Buying snacky foods like Goldfish or granola bars in bulk also helps. Asian or Latino markets are also a great option for rice, beans, sauces, and produce.

      2. I make a similar amount with similar rent yeah, I’m not wealthy, but it’s very doable. I don’t have a car. It sounds like you have one which is a major expense. Get rid of it if you can.

         1. My car is paid off and my insurance is $52/mo and parking is $40/year. I don’t drive it in the city – just to visit family in the burbs, go hiking, to to the beach, etc and so only spend about $50 on gas each month.

            For reference – if I gave up the car then I’d spend about $85/mo on train tickets to visit family, and would either have to spend $$ to go hiking/to a beach or I would have to give up those activities (both of which bring me a lot of joy and aside from gas/occasional equipment or entrance fees are free).

            I know the rent and income should be very doable – but when groceries go from $45/week to $110/week (and everything else seems to increase a similar amount), I”m starting to have a tighter budget than I”m comfortable with.

            1. Sorry – this was OP! Was anon on a different thread and forgot to switch.

            2. I spend waaaay less than $110 a week on groceries as a single woman with a similar income.

            3. I feel like the grocery prices have been slowly creeping up. Pre-pandemic I’d spend between $35-65/week on groceries – depending on what I needed to restock. Now it’s at least $80, with a few weeks up to $110.

               I try to eat well so I do get a lot of produce, fish, even the pasta I get is banza. I don’t really buy organic and I buy store brand (when its an option) about 75% of the time, but the city grocery stores are small, expensive, and overpriced.

               If anyone has tips on eating well on a budget I’m all ears – I would love to use Aldi or Costco or something cheaper but they’re not located near me.

            4. so grocery budgeting without driving to the burbs — we do strategic delivery orders on non-perishables from less-expensive places (like in Philly, we do a massive stock up when the South Philly ShopRite runs a Can Can sale) and choose a delivery date early in the sale week, maximizing the chance that popular sale items haven’t sold out yet. Often they’ll run an online promo that if you spend X you don’t have to pay the delivery fee.

               We eat a ton of veggie-based meals, which are almost always cheaper than something featuring meat or fish. Chickpeas, lentils, and other bean-based proteins are your friend.

            5. Is there a Trader Joe’s nearby? They’re a lot cheaper than comparable stores. After that, you can get frozen or cheaper produce and save a lot- we do a lot of apples, pears, bananas, carrots, cabbage, broccoli, etc. instead of salads or fresh berries (I buy a lot of frozen blueberries, but those are way cheaper). You can also order non perishable food online and probably get much better prices for things like pasta. Now that you have more space, take advantage of savings to buy in larger quantities (but don’t overbuy, that’s a waste of money too). Make good use of your freezer if you bake or prep ingredients in advance. My freezer is full of homemade bread, muffins, cookies, beans and grains cooked from scratch in big batches, pesto, and other stuff that would cost much more to buy at the store, along with frozen corn, spinach, peas, and berries.

            6. If there’s no ALDI or Costco, maybe there’s no international foods grocer (near me these are usually Asian/Mexican), but if you haven’t checked yet, it may be worth checking.

      3. I don’t think it’s possible to afford a $1,400 apartment on an $80K salary with no debt. We bought a house with a $1,400 mortgage payment on $80K household income and it was very tight until I got out of grad school and back to full-time work. That was nearly two decades ago, when everything was cheaper and health care premiums and out-of-pocket costs were much lower. No way could we manage it now.

         When I was single and wanted my own apartment I worked a second job to afford it. It was totally worth it.

         1. I actually don’t mind having roommates and would be fine to continue having them… but I’m at the point in my life where everyone I know is living with a significant other or living alone and I am too old to have random roommates! $1400 is about the going rate for an apartment in my area (nothing luxury – just a basic but comfortable apartment).

            1. I disagree, I think that’s a very doable rent on your salary. I paid $1800 rent on a slightly higher salary when I was a newly divorced single mom (child support coveted childcare and that’s about it) and it was tight but definitely doable.

               Are you eating all the groceries you buy? I had an issue with overbuying at the grocery store because I was food insecure as a child, so maybe I’m projecting.

               I would try a no-buy month — try to buy as little as possible at the grocery store and target etc and use up the stuff you already have (ie don’t buy shampoo until you have less than a week of shampoo left) and don’t buy anything that’s not a consumable. Try to avoid buying any prepared food that you can make at home. Especially right after moving, it’s tempting to spend a lot on little things to set up your new space. If you give it some time and just use what you already have, you’ll end up buying less in the long term. Hopefully this would cut your expenses to the bare bones and you can then add things back in to the budget intentionally.

               Writing down everything you spend — even in the notes app! — is also really helpful.

               Good luck, you can do it! Also I hope you are the poster with the roommate who micromanaged the location of the dish towels, because that person really needed to move :)

            2. I am not that poster – I do hope she is also in the process of moving because her roommates sounded awful. My roommates are actually all really lovely – but being in our late 20s everyone else is in the stage to move in with a significant other or live alone.

         2. Unfortunately, if you’re renting in a hot or even average market – I don’t know anyone who still spends only 1/3 of their take home on rent… I have a friend making 80k with $1900 rent and another making 75k with $1600 rent. I don’t know how they do it, but living alone in a decent area in most cities means spending more than 1/3 of your pay on rent, unless you make a lot of money.

            1. I’m just saying it’s not realistic to expect that you can cut expenses enough to afford that rent on that salary. She might need a second job.

            2. Good lord. Someone making $80k is not poor and doesn’t need a second job.

            3. I am very confused by these comments that the rent is the problem here. $80k is more than twice the US median income, and means at least $4k take home pay. After rent you still have $2.6k every single month, to feed, clothe and entertain a single person. How would you have to go into debt for that?

            4. OP here – with deductions and taxes I take home about $3800, so while $1400 is a decent chunk I agree – it should be doable. I used to aim for $1000 into savings a month, but I”m dropping that down to $700. This still leaves me with $1700 for utilities/bills and all out of pocket spending. Right now – I use all of this or go slightly over. I’d like to keep what I call my credit card spending (so all groceries, toiletries, transportation costs, and fun spending like shopping, going out to eat, etc) to a round $1200 or 1400, leaving wiggle room for utilities, unexpected costs and ideally a little more for savings.

         3. You must live someplace with an insanely low cost of living if you think this is not do-able or common. This is a “cheap” rent in SF, Boston, New York, and maybe DC. All my friends and I were paying ~$1.2-1.5k a month for our first apartments, when we were making $65-75k, and we didn’t go into debt. I’m not sure where the OP is but your comment is definitely out of touch with the reality for many early career professionals.

            1. This. My mortgage and maintenance in an outer borough NYC 1-bed was 1400 in 2009 and I was making about $80k. I think that’s pretty reasonable if you live somewhere even MCOL.

         4. What?? You do know that the vast majority of people in this country live on far less than 80K right? DH and I make significantly less than many people on this board do. We bought a house 5 years ago in a MCOL city on less than 70K COMBINED, at the time. Even with deductions/tax/etc taking 40% of income, that still leaves 4K a month. Where is all this money going?

            You do know a lot of people work their entire lives and never even make it to 80K right?

            1. I am well aware I make really good money and I am very grateful to be in the position that I am. I grew up working class and spent most of my 20s making 50k so 80k feels like a blessing. I take home around 3800 after deductions/taxes, rent is $1400, I don’t know how much utilities will be yet, and savings + helping family is $1000, giving me like $1400 left. I would like to get this down to $1000 + utilities (probably $150ish) and have a bit of a buffer with the remaining $200 isn or so. I’m currently spending like $1500ish a month on discretionary spending.

            2. You are leaving out a HUGE factor if you are giving your family 1K a month! That is over 25% of your take home pay. I’d say this is why you feel money is tight. Who are you giving this to and why? 1K a month on an 80K salary is a lot.

            3. That’s a mix of family help and savings – most of that is savings and a little is family assistance. It’s approx $800 in my savings and $200 in family help, which is temporary and optional, but for me non-negotiable. However, when I’m not helping family I put about $1000 in savings so this hasn’t really impacted my budget.

            4. that 1000 a month to family is a huge omission from your original details! Yikes – that is a lot of help for someone on your income!

            5. I’m giving $200/mo to family and $800/mo to savings. Prior to helping family I was putting $1000 in savings, so it’s not really impacting my budget. That $1000 was accounted for already – whether it was all to savings or to family + savings.

         5. i also disagree. granted, this was 15 years ago and i lived with roommates, but my rent out of college was 1575 a month in nyc, on a 60k salary, and i still managed to save and contribute to my 401(k)

      4. I think that means your new apartment is too expensive.

         1. Or that you simply can’t afford to save a grand a month

      5. I don’t think you can afford that apartment on that salary at all. Idk why you anticipated being able to cut $500 of spending? Makes no sense

   5. I’m also trying to be more mindful of my impulse spending. One thing I find helpful is I download all of my credit/debit statements into Excel and then create one streamlined Excel where I categorize every single charge. I have a pivot table that shows me total spend by month by category. I then look at costs by category across the past several months. It’s amazing how much lots of little charges add up, and it lets me see that very explicitly, as opposed to skimming through my statements. Sometimes I do this every week or two, so I can see mid-month how I’m tracking compared to last month.

      1. Also I was spending about $1700 per month on my share of an apartment with roommates in NYC when I was making about what you do. The spending you’ve describe don’t seem unreasonable, and probably less than I spent at the time, so I think there must be some categories that are adding up that you’re not seeing…

         1. I feel like it must be that. I spend most of my 20s making 50k in DC and in my current city (probably high end of MCOL, low end of HCOL) and I made it work – I really am not sure where the money is going even though I review my credit card statements weekly. I don’t feel like I’m necessarily spending much more than I used to, but I guess it’s a very gradual lifestyle creep

            I do admit that I spend on experiences – concerts, happy hours with friends, renting a kayak with a friend for an afternoon, etc. Nothing feels expensive in the moment, but it does add up.

            1. well the good news is that lifestyle creep works in both directions. Now, you don’t feel like you are spending a lot, and over time, you can get into the habit of spending less, and that will also feel normal to you.
               Now, you might think that a concert ticket is ‘only $60’, but you can retrain yourself to appreciate that that’s basically a day’s wages for you. It’s all about being intentional and spend money for the things that are worth it to you and cut out what you don’t miss.

            2. I think that’s part of my issue – I am a very social, active person so there’s very little that I would not miss if I cut it out. I am not a homebody by any means – I love being out and about, being physically active, being with friends.

            3. Being active and out and about doesn’t have to cost a ton of money. Hiking, going to museums, picnic in the park, catching a street festival etc. are either free or affordable.

            4. You can still be out and about, just focus on cheaper things. Plus now that you have your own space, you can invite people over. Have a dinner party or cocktails at your place instead of happy hour, though don’t go so overboard that you spend more than you would have at a bar.

            5. Ah – that’s the missing element. Experiences aren’t some lofty alternative to consumerism when it comes to budgets; they are more expensive than buying things and you can’t reuse them. If you are buying experiences, you are not living frugally. You should work on finding free or budget-friendly options, like renting a Divvy bike instead of a kayak, going to free summer concerts or watching movies in the park, grabbing coffee with friends instead of brunch, taking a community yoga class, etc. The secret to living on a middle income is that it’s not insta-worthy and involves a lot of doing your own nails / hair and foregoing the big-ticket concerts and sporting events.

               But also? My current grocery bill for my DH and I is $60 a week which includes organic produce and ethically sourced meat. I would be interested in what you are buying at the grocery store since I think there is some room there to improve!

            6. yes and no…
               Unless you’re in one of the few, lucky cities near decent hiking, it’s going to cost you to get to a hiking spot, and some also charge entry fees. Around me, it’s about an 60-90 min drive to hiking + a $10 entrance fee.

               Museums, unless you’re in DC, also cost $. Near me, most museums are $15-25 for adult admission. Some have free/reduced admission days, but they’re usually once a month and not on weekends.

               Picnics and street festivals can definitely be affordable, if you are disciplined enough to not spend money while there. For example, when friends and I picnic we tend to have everyone bring something to share – which means extra groceries which can be $$. In order to really save money at a picnic, everyone should bring their own food (which they presumably already bought with their weekly groceries), but it can be hard to get folks on board for that (splitting a charcuterie board is more fun). Ditto with a street fair – sure they’re free to walk around, but you have to be disciplined to not get food/drinks when there.

               A lot of the cheap/free alternatives are sneakily expensive – so I don’t think the OP needs to give up happy hours in favor or a picnic as they’re likely just as expensive.

               Its like the people who suggest quitting the gym to workout at home – it might be cheaper but it might not. Even if you’re doing an equipment-free workout (running), running shoes cost like $120-150. Let alone people who suggest biking (either spin bike or a real bike outside both are $$), weights, etc. Eventually it might be cheaper than the gym, but its not free.

            7. I frequently have people over for drinks rather than going to happy hour, and I have found I actually don’t save money by doing this. Splitting a bottle of wine with someone isn’t much cheaper than getting 2 happy hour drinks!

            8. Anon at 11:42, how the heck is your grocery bill so cheap? I literally don’t know how $60 for two people for a week would be possible, even without organic produce and ethically sourced meat. I’d LOVE to be able to buy organic and better meat, but it always seemed out of budget.

            9. Anon at 11:42, I can assure you I am not trying for some instagram inspired lifestyle. My beauty routine is very basic: I do my own nails and brows, I only get 3 haircuts a year and never get it styled or a blowout, I wear drugstore makeup. I don’t go to workout classes, I do a lot of free summer activities but I’m also not going to completely give up spending $40 to go to a concert or a $20 baseball game (both of which I do like 3x a year – not frequently).

               Also please share your grocery shopping tips!! I would love to spend $30/person/week for organic produce and ethically raised meats, but I do not know how anyone manages to do so.

            10. Ahhhhh so there’s the issue.

                Let’s say you make plans with friends 2x a week, average cost $50 (a $75 concert, a $25 happy hour, a $40 kayak rental, a $50 brunch, a $60 dinner out, $20 scooter rental, $30 river tubing rental, $200 plane ticket to a wedding) — that’s $500.

                You need to look at lower cost experiences! Pick and choose which experiences are “worth” the money and swap accordingly. An easy one for me would be hosting a BYOB happy hour at your apt instead of going out.

            11. This is anon at 11:42. I don’t want to derail the thread, but in case it helps: it’s a combination of where I buy as much as what I buy. There’s a fancy butcher in town that sells free range rotisserie chickens for $30, but of course I’m not shopping there once I bought my first chicken and saw the price. I shop at two local family-owned grocery stores, one of which doubles as a Turkish market. In other cities I’ve lived in, there are other ethnic grocery stores that fill the same niche. This year, I bought a CSA subscription that runs $42.50/week for 20 weeks and provides 6-8 vegetables, 1 share of fruit, and a loaf of artisan bread every week. But that isn’t really economical, it’s just because I like the farm that runs it. I buy a lot of boneless pork chops, hamburger meat, pork tenderloin, steak tips, top round roast, and other cheap cuts of meat that run less than $10/pound. Chicken has been really expensive lately so I haven’t been buying much of that. For vegetables, there’s a lot of unglamorous onions, carrots, celery, leafy greens, and squash. The rest of the budget is dairy with milk, ice cream, and cheese all getting pretty pricey!

            12. So, only you, OP, can really figure out what applies here. Of course, $20 baseball tickets a few times a year are not your issue here. I was getting a vibe similar to Cat, that you don’t balk at an individual $40-$60 price tag, and that you don’t clock how this adds up to $500/month. So keep looking at your expense categories, and get a very good idea how much you spend on what. I think it would make sense to treat groceries, takeout (include coffees and buying lunches), and socializing (include meals you buy when out with friends) as 3 different categories.
                It’s also worth mentioning that while I can relate to you not wanting to feel like you are depriving yourself (which again, is a process, give yourself some time to get used to new habits), you also might need a reality check. You make a good income, but living on your own AND having a car AND helping out family AND getting a lot of your meals prepared AND frequent outings with friends AND saving $1000 each month is perhaps not realistic. Either you are willing to cut back somewhere to make your savings goal, and you work on the feeling-deprived-part because this is your choice, or you don’t.

      2. I do this too. It’s super helpful for understanding where all my money is going and knowing where I could cut back or increase spending if my financial circumstances change.

   6. YNAB

      1. I use Mint, but I do see YNAB suggested here often. Can anyone explain why it’s worth spending the money on YNAB and what makes it better than Mint?

         1. I DIYed a YNAB-style envelope budget for free in Excel.

         2. I like YNAB better than Mint for a couple of reasons.

            Most importantly for me is that YNAB just works better with my brain. The way Mint is set up, I feel like it’s more backward looking. I categorize my spending after it’s done. YNAB is a virtual envelope system, so mentally I feel like, “Oh, I have $100 to spend on groceries this week.” Whereas with Mint, I’d spend the money, it would log and I would think, “Oh, I spent $125 on groceries last week.” Some people use Mint in a different way, but it just never clicked with me the way YNAB did.

            Second– YNAB doesn’t sell its user’s data to advertising companies. Others make a different determination, which is fine, but that aspect is important to me as well, especially when it comes to a financial app.

   7. Tips that may or may not work for you:
      – delete all food delivery apps from your phone
      – delete single-shop reward apps (Starbucks, Potbelly’s, Sweetgreen) from your phone
      – disable notifications for non email / text message content on your phone
      – unsubscribe from retail emails with reckless abandon
      – if you are going someplace that doesn’t require payment (the gym, the pool or beach, a friend’s apartment), don’t bring your wallet with you. Just bring your phone and keys.
      – for other trips where it makes sense, just bring a single $20 bill with you.

      Congrats on the move!

      1. Your last two tips are very helpful, thank you!

         I’ve already unsubscribed from retail emails/notifications and am down to just one food app. I think I mentioned it above somewhere, but I do have a family obligation that keeps me pretty busy (which is why I can’t take on a second job), so I do give myself some grace on occasion to get takeout on a day where my day started at 6am and its now 8pm and I haven’t had a minute to breathe. When I’m not sharing a freezer five ways, I do hope to replace some of these takeout meals with a good frozen option but I’m still in my current apartment for 6 more weeks so it’s takeout for now.

         1. you mentioned that you have one main grocery trip a week and then some smaller ones- cut out the smaller ones and figure out ways to use up whatever you have at home. eggs are a cheap and easy protein dinner. you also mention random trips to target or cvs. at least where i live, CVS is much more expensive than Target. Make sure you have the Target app. i personally am not as into stocking up on foods when on sale bc they tend to go bad before i can eat them, but any kind of paper goods/toiletries.

            1. yes – this is definitely something I can improve on! I usually use these trips to re-stock on fresh fruit (pricey) and on nights I’m coming home late as a compromise for not getting take out (Save $10 by getting grocery store sushi rather than takeout sushi). Obviously the best option is no sushi, have some toast with the bread you have at home, but I do find that when I’m too restrictive it backfires on me

   8. This might seem counter intuitive at first, but switch to having your groceries delivered instead of buying them in the store. Yes, you are paying somebody else for their time and there’s a cost associated with that. But for me, that cost is almost always a lot less than the crap I would come home with unplanned. grocery shopping for delivery essentially cuts out your impulse purchases.

      1. I’ll look into this, though I’m really good about meal planning and making a grocery list and sticking to it. Usually I come home with no or just one unplanned purchase from grocery shopping. Same with Target! I don’t know why but this is the one place I”m disciplined!!

      2. Does anyone who works full time in person get groceries delivered? I am intrigued, but I am not home during the day to receive groceries and live somewhere where packages are stolen.

         1. yes? there are weekend and evening delivery slots…

         2. Yes, me! I just choose a different delivery slot, usually one first thing on a weekend morning so that the stores aren’t overshopped for the order shopper, and so I lose no time on my weekends.

            If I’m working from home as I do on occasion, I might schedule one for a lunchtime delivery then.

            I do have a service that leaves some things in the middle of a Tuesday, when I’m not home. They just have you leave a cooler and they provide reusable ice packs that you just leave out the next time you get a delivery.

   9. It sounds like groceries is the problem, OP. I also live alone, in what sounds like your city or a similar one (Chicago) and am of a similar age and $450/month for groceries is really, really high. I spend around $200-250/month shopping at Marianos (not a budget grocery store). I would take a hard look at your grocery purchases and try to see where things are racking up and adjust from there. When I first moved into my current place I was making $97k paying $1750 and that was very comfortable so your rent split shouldn’t feel that restrictive.

      1. Okay – I went back and checked and I misspoke about the groceries! I spent $115 last week because I bought supplies to host a few friends for happy hour so apps + wine pushed that up (which like – is buying supplies to host happy hour even saving me money compared to going out to happy hour?), but my average over the last few months is probably $80-90 (usually $70-80 for my main trip and then a mid week small re-supply for when I’ve run out of something or forgot to buy something on trip #1). This still brings me to $350ish a month, which is obviously higher than many here.

         I probably buy groceries for 6 breakfasts, 5 lunches and 5 dinners a week and snacks (I do a lot of drinking out but not much eating out!). I try to eat healthy so buy a lot of nice yogurt, fruits and veggies, fish, supplemented with some chicken, cheese and crackers, nuts, rice, and some convenience foods.

         1. buy frozen fish! less expensive.

            1. Should have clarified – I always buy the large packs of frozen fish! Like 4 filets for $20.

   10. I heartily recommend the course “Bank Boost” via yes and yes dot org. Her approach to budgeting is based on spending money on what brings you the most joy personally rather than blanket advice. Taking that approach not only helped me spend less but also figure out what I actually get enjoyment out of. For instance– take out lunch during the workday isn’t super enjoyable for me, but getting an expensive coffee and walking through the farmer’s market on the weekend is one of my favorite things so I try to cut out the takeout and don’t feel guilty about the coffee.

       1. Oh this sounds very interesting – thanks!

          1. If you post a burner email I can send you the workbook

   11. ok we need real numbers to help you more, then – every suggestion has been met with “but I only spend X on that how could I cut it out?”

       1. ^^^This. OP, you’ve responded to every single suggestion with some justification for why that expense is necessary at it’s current dollar amount. The extra $500/month has to come from somewhere–budgeting is a 0 sum game so I’m not sure what you’re expecting from the hive if you keep refusing to make any adjustments to your current spending outside of the small changes (getting take out less, for example) that you’ve outlined. Your grocery bill is very high, your savings rate is not tenable anymore, and you probably need to make some sacrifices in your activities/social spending. There’s no magic bullet to save that $500/month other than get your grocery spending down, save less, and spend less money on social activities.

   12. Another thought that might be a bit more positive: It motivates me to look back at what I’ve already achieved. You say that you’ve already dropped a couple of subscription services and unnecessary expenses. How much does that save you each month? Each year? You can build on that.
       Maybe the thought of giving xyz up forever is terrible, but what about no clothes shopping or coffees out or booze for a month?
       I work best on moderation vs abstinence, and limiting alcohol two twice per week and 2 drinks max (often only one) has been totally sustainable for me. I did this for health reasons, but it also saves money!

   13. Your apartment is too expensive. You need to increase your income or get a roommate.

       $3800 – $1400 rent = $2400 a month
       $2400 – $400 for utilities, internet, cell phone – $300 for health care – $350 for groceries – $140 for car = $1210 for savings, clothing, haircuts, laundry, car repairs, entertainment, toiletries, travel, renter’s insurance, gifts, etc. etc. etc. It’s not enough if you want to have an actual life and save anything at all.

   14. Maybe look into a zero sum budget, where you appoint your money into categories in your budget every month. Often called an envelope system as well. So maybe you set a budget of 120 dollars for experiences, and then every time you spend money on that, you take it from the category, and when that allotted amount is used, you have no more money to spend on this category this month.

       For the stressful nights where you get home after a 14 hour day – when you live on your own, you can plan for that. You know beforehand that these nights will come, and you can have easily microwavable tasty meals premade in your freezer. I love to have my own, homemade pizza ready, or a store cupboards carbonara.

       You might have some room to lower your budget in the way you look at your healthy foods. You say you buy the best yogurt – but is that true, are you getting actual quality, or just expensive sugars? My vote would go to big tub of full fat natural yogurt to you the most for your money, add frozen fruit or honey at home. (Looking at Target, I’d end up with Stonyfield plain whole milk, one tub lasting more than one week.) Since you like the good butter, do you know that butter freezes beautifully? You can stock up on your Kerrygold on sale and put it in the freezer.

       You say that your fill-up shop are things like extra fruit – are you buying in season, or the one that takes your fancy? Some goes for vegetables. I’ve been eating lots and lots of asparagus lately, it’s been in season and cheap. But now it’s sudden up to double price, and I’m not getting asparagus for a while, now it’s a treat not a staple. It’s great to focus your grocery money on veg and fish, but look at what’s current.

8. I saw the pic of the EU president on the newspaper today and she looks so wonderful. Why do I look like a frumpy frumpster when I wear a blazer, shell, and slacks and she looks exactly like a world leader should? It is just so perfectly done.

   1. Tailoring and being very slender (even after 7 kids… how?).

      1. Wow — this is very varsity level. Seriously impressed. And yet it would feel so inappropriate if a reporter asks her her secrets (which I am dying to know and I only have 2 kids).

         1. Genetics. Her secret is genetics.

            1. Yup. Being very tall and very thin makes pretty much any outfit look elegant.

         2. She has a ton of help (full time nanny and other staff). This was widely gossiped about when she was in German politics, although afaik, she never pretended to be a ‘if-I-can-do-it-so-can-all-women’ kind of role model. The criticism seemed pretty antifeminist to me at the time.

            1. My old neighbor had a nanny for 2 kids and she did not even work, much less run the EU.

      2. She doesn’t look super thin, just like a small-ish person who is not overweight. I think it’s a combination of tailoring, professional hair and makeup, and a good understanding of what clothing styles flatter her shape.

         HRC has a more matronly shape and poor taste in clothing.

      3. European portion sizes. MIL is visiting this week and found even the kid size ice cream at our local shop to be more than she could finish. She’s 5 years old than my parents and looks easily 10 years younger. We as a country drive everywhere and serve huge portions at every meal and for snacks.

         1. Careful, people on this board will start yelling at you for fat shaming if you point out that American portion sizes are huge!

   2. She might be getting her clothes tailored to fit.

      1. This right here.

   3. I could have written this post! I wear pretty much the same thing as her (blazer, shell, straight leg pants and very subtle make up) and do not project this air of authority. Perhaps it’s the hair : I have fine medium length dark brown wavy 2b hair and, in theory, it is somewhat easy to style but I’m not good at it. I know I should put more time to style it in the morning but I am so tired (6 years old twin, demanding job, aging parents, still trying to empty a few boxes after moving to “new” house in mid-2020, etc) so I prefer sleeping an extra 15 minutes than styling my hair. I’m thinking I should consider booking an appointment for keratin treatment..

      1. Part of her secret is that her youngest kid is, I believe, 24.

   4. I don’t mean this unkindly, but possibly grooming? I feel politicians really have to have their hair and make-up absolutely on point, in part because they are photographed so often. I’m assume Nancy Pelosi has regular blowouts – unless she’s some kind of wizard with a hairdryer.

      1. This, too… Hillary Clinton when she’s “on” looks very different from when she’s “off”. Whoever does her “on” look does a very, very good job, and she doesn’t look too young or whatnot, but when she’s not campaigning, promoting a book or whatever, she looks much more like any other well-to-do grandmother.

         1. Also, with all due respect to HRC, the EU president has a different build. I feel like as I age, I am more of an HRC shape, which I think will be challenging to dress well.

            1. Agreed – I was thinking more from the neck up.

      2. +1 I think this is it. With tailoring.

      3. Recently heard a Madeleine Albright interview where she spoke about representing the US at a lengthy negotiation. At a break she went back to hotel room and refreshed her look – shower, makeup, fresh clothes. The other diplomats returned rumpled and tired-looking. She got what she wanted and credits her Look to intimidating some tired gentlemen. I liked this story because of course she was known for always looking professional and appropriate but rarely looking “attractive” but the story shows you don’t have to look attractive, just a bit better!

   5. Tailor the sleeves of your blazers. I’m 5’8″, so taller than average, yet sleeves are always too long and wide for me. Having them shortened and taken in does a world of difference in looking polished. Otherwise I look like I’m a kid wearing mom’s clothes frankly.

   6. I just read her wikipedia. She is incredibly wealthy.

      Look at the pics of Tom Brady in college v. now.

      You aren’t ugly just (relatively) poor.

      1. Isn’t that always it though? People who have basically unlimited funds to throw at their appearance are always going to look better than the rest of us.

         1. Of course, but the rest of us can use a handful of their tricks, tailoring being the biggest one.

   7. She has good posture and lovely crow’s feet, which gives her gravitas.

      In addition, expensive hair and tailoring. She doesn’t look particularly tall to me, maybe 5-6 or 5-7, but posture makes her look taller.

   8. She is the president of the European Commission , not the president of EU. Each country of the EU have their own head of state (president, prime minister…)

9. I took my kid to camp in the SW VA mountains and I was amazed that my minivan (front wheel drive) could easily handle driving up some crazy gravel mountain roads (and on grass in hillside parking areas) and handling some steep grades to drive and turn on. I have never had 4WD or AWD. When might I need that (mud? snow? I know nothing works on ice and grew up in the NEUS). Current vehicle is old enough to consider replacing and I was leaning towards something with 4WD or AWD (maybe a Highlander) but maybe you don’t really need them? If you have (particularly if you haven’t always), when do I really need something like that? I’d like to hear what someone not trying to sell me a car thinks.

   1. I’d say 4WD is helpful if you’re doing a ton of driving in the snow, but it really is not required at all unless you’re offroading. Gravel roads aren’t THAT primitive; it is unsurprising to me that a minivan did just fine on a summer drive in the mountains. I am biased because I grew up on gravel roads and while there were lots of 4WDs around, they were for farm work and hauling things.

      1. yup.

   2. I find that AWD makes a difference in the snow and sometimes the rain.

   3. You’re correct that you don’t need it. It’s another way for car manufacturers to make more money and it also tanks your fuel economy for no good reason.

      1. Well definitely many drivers do need it! I don’t think it’s exclusively a gimmick.

         1. Not exclusively a gimmick but in many cases it is a status symbol that makes roads more dangerous for pedestrians, wheelers, and cyclists and creates far more pollution.

            1. I am definitely coming from a perspective different from most here because I live in a place where it is absolutely necessary (or you can just not drive in certain conditions, which I do too). But it’s hilarious to me that anybody would see 4WD as a “status symbol.”

            2. This…. the bloating of vehicles in the US may make the driver and passengers marginally safer but they are so much more lethal to anyone who isn’t in said vehicle.

         2. I suspect the number of drivers who really *need* 4WD is far smaller than the number who actually have it.

            I am driving my first front WD car since…decades, after driving nothing but rear WD with 4WD as an option. I am still surprised at how much I do not miss the 4WD. Even in my rear WD vehicles, I only ever needed to use the 4WD when towing in really mucky conditions, heavy offroad mud, or in very deep snow (like, 2′ or more). It just didn’t make much difference for non-extreme driving.

            1. Ding ding ding. If you’re basically a suburbanite or city dweller, you probably do not *need* 4WD.

   4. This is very use-case specific, but in CA (or Nevada) if you are heading to Tahoe or other parts of the Sierras in the winter it is quite common/frequent for there to be “chain control” (i.e. you need to put chains on your tires) to go beyond a certain point to get to the main areas, but if you have AWD or 4WD you usually are exempt. Try installing chains on your tires at 9 pm in the snow on the side of 80 a few times and at least for us that was a main reason for getting a 4WD or AWD on all of our cars going forward. I imagine this is true for other mountainy areas as well.

      1. Most definitely. And even in a non-mountainous but very snowy area (Great Lakes, where I grew up and lived for a dozen years at he beginning of my career), 4WD or AWD was a life saver when I had to drive to the burbs for work in winter storms or when I would go to visit my parents in rural SW Michigan in similar conditions. It even came in handy when my alley in Chicago was caked with ice and snow.

         1. West MI born and raised here and 4WD is overkill unless you are very, very rural (like, off the grid UP rural, not Allegan County rural). Maybe if you are a nervous driver it makes you feel better to have it, but it is a want and not a need.

10. Looking to buy new feminist protest tees, but looking to buy from someone donating a portion of the proceeds to reproductive rights groups, not just cashing in. Any leads? I wore an old faded one this weekend that I’ve worn a million times before and got several solidarity comments in my very southern town for the first time. I know it isn’t much, but I felt less alone in that millisecond.

    1. Just saw this one this morning:
       https://www.xlcrsf.com/store-1/fundraiser-h8w22

    2. I read this as ‘protest trees’ and was very confused. I like Red Molotov here in the U.K. – they don’t usually have the fundraising link so I then make a separate donation.

    3. Bitter Southerner has a “Hell Hath No Fury” tee that supports abortion access in the South. will post link below.

       1. https://bsgeneralstore.com/products/hell-hath-no-fury

       2. BS’s tees are generally excellent.

       3. This is perfect, thanks!

    4. Planned Parenthood has an online shop: https://marketplace.plannedparenthood.org/

    5. Wardobe Oxygen had a post back in May with different protest tees that were supporting repro rights. Also recommend the Outrage (in DC, has a website) with lots of progressive swag. I also really like the abortion funds tshirt I got from NNAF.

    6. The National Network of Abortion Funds has a shop that carries various funds’s merch: https://shop.abortionfunds.org/collections/shop-local-funds?page=1

       Shout Your Abortion has good stuff too: https://shout-your-abortion.square.site/

       And the Texas Equal Access Fund: https://teafund.threadless.com/

       I have a tank top that says PRO ABORT WITCH, which was a favorite “insult” anti-choice protesters used to yell at us. Sadly it was a limited run.

    7. Buy directly from orgs:

       – Urge dot org
       – shout your abortion dot org
       – fund abortion now dot org
       if you have a state specific preference google that state plus abortion fund and browse their stores

    8. I’m stuck in mod but check out NNAF and Shout Your Abortion.

       1. Ugh I want this so bad but I don’t have my new mailing address yet lol: https://shop.abortionfunds.org/collections/shop-local-funds/products/north-dakota-win-abortion-access-fund-you-betcha-sweatshirt

    9. Overseasoned Amy

    10. Bitter Southern’s Hell Hath No Fury shirt. They’re donating $5 for Southeast abortion funds. Check their instagram for the specific funds. Not sure if it’s all their shirts or just Hell Hath No Fury. (And if you are a southerner and not familiar with Bitter Southern, I highly recommend it.)

        1. Oh, saw someone also posted it above. And by familiar with Bitter Southerner, I mean the publication, not just their merchandise.

    11. Human Rights Campaign has a “Reproductive Rights are Human Rights” t-shirt that I’ve been wearing a lot.

    12. https://www.social-goods.com/
        I have the restroom 1973 T shirt and bought it for my young women relatives

        1. Oh for gawds sake. Retro. Not restroom.

11. What to wear to a mid-summer rock concert? It’s a weekend no-kids getaway with my husband, so I’d like to wear something a little sexy. It’s a 90’s era rock band in a big (pro-football) arena. I’m thinking of a top like this: https://www.express.com/clothing/women/conscious-edit-satin-lace-trim-cami/pro/08638580/color/Pitch%20Black/ or similar (suggestions welcome). But what bottoms?

    Jeans seem ideal, but it’s going to be awfully hot. A classic denim mini (but not too mini) skirt would be nice, but I’m afraid it will be awkward in the stadium seating. Shorts always feel awkward and unflattering to me. What am I not thinking of that will look good without being too uncomfortable? Help!

    1. I’d go with a sundress, always sexy and none of the issues you’re talking about

       1. An a-line or baby doll dress above the knees with stompy boots or chunky loafers (with or without shorts under the dress) would be very 90’s appropriate ;)

    2. Sitting on stadium seats and walking around makes me wear or want to wear a midi length sundress or a midi skirt. You will want the backs of your thighs covered for comfort reasons, and you will want to wear sneakers or sturdy sandals. Try for a dress with a camisole style top.

    3. I’ve been living in Athleta skorts this summer, the constant transitions from AC to sweltering heat makes chub rub inevitable for me. Although I wouldn’t normally think of skorts as particularly sexy or fashionable, I really like the transcend skort because it’s short and tight but I can move in it and I don’t have any modesty concerns with climbing over seats, sitting on the ground, or standing up in a breezy arena.

       I like that a lot of sundresses are now below the knee. I fought midi length for a long time but it really is more versatile for things like concerts, picnics, breezy beach days – things that are challenging in a short dress. Plus you can wear skimmies and not fear they’ll stick out.

       1. I was just coming here to recommend the Athleta skorts. I love mine!

    4. Maybe some long flowy pants? I feel like that would look good with the camisole top and also give you a little more coverage. I got some from Loft (I think the style is Emory?).

    5. I’d wear a midi sundress with a skimpier cut on top.

    6. I feel like we have all become old here (kidding! sorta … :-)). I probably wouldn’t wear a skort if I wanted to wear something that made me feel s*xy, but to each her own. I do agree jeans might be uncomfortably hot. Maybe a two piece set of some kind in a breezy fabric? Jumpsuit could work but I hate going to the bathroom in those, and I can only imagine a large concert venue would be even less fun than a regular restaurant WC. I’d look around the intern*t for ideas. E.g.,
       https://www.marieclaire.com/fashion/g12780155/what-to-wear-to-a-concert/

       1. Skorts are like the anti-sexy. And I say this as a very conservative dresser, lol.

          1. Even the name “skort” is not sexy.

12. Not that I particularly feel like celebrating Independence Day, but my kids will want to, so … what are you all doing? We usually go to an amazing pool party that the organizers aren’t able to host this year, so I feel at loose ends.

    1. Find a fireworks display to watch. Our local minor league baseball team sometimes has a home game with fireworks.

13. What would you have done? DH and I recently went to a very fancy lunch at a small, exclusive restaurant. An American family – a couple and a teenaged boy and girl – sat several tables away (DH and I are also American, but this was not in the US). During the lunch, the man began loudly berating and cursing at someone at the table, I assume the teenage girl, for being spoiled and entitled. His rant went on for about 20 minutes. Although he wasn’t yelling, exactly, he was louder than the ambient noise of the restaurant. It was clear that someone at the table was interjecting periodically but I couldn’t hear what they said or who it was, though based on his responses it seemed to be the girl not the mother. It was hard to listen to. I really wanted to get up to pass a note or something to ask the girl if she needed help, but I was afraid of what the man would do if anyone tried to intervene; I feared it would only make it worse for the girl when they are eventually alone. The restaurant did not step in. What do you do when you’re far from home and you witness this kind of abuse?

    1. If I had seen the girl go to the loo I might have followed to check she was okay. But I’d have wondered if I were overstepping. This isn’t easy

       1. Honestly, if I was her I’d be mortified if someone came and checked on me – I’d prefer going about my day thinking that nobody heard

       2. I think this could work, at least to ask if she was okay. It’s more difficult with a family setting, but I love the UK Ask for Angela plan for getting help from bar staff to escape a bad situation.

    2. Probably gone to another restaurant so I could enjoy my meal and thrown death rays in their direction. Some people are terrible but I don’t think you had some sort of obligation to intervene.

       1. +1

          It’s not how I’d talk to my child, but I don’t think anything that happened was intervention worthy.

          1. +2 perhaps unpopular, but I would not have done anything.

    3. I don’t assume that a parent yelling at their teenage kid for being spoiled and entitled is abuse, for one thing. I don’t think it’s ideal parenting to do that in public, and it’s rude to other people in the restaurant, but personally I could occasionally be a right sh*t as a teen and so I wouldn’t start from the assumption that I was witnessing child abuse. I would probably ask the restaurant to intervene to ask the family to take the dispute outside, but that’s it.

       1. Yeah, there is nothing like travel to bring out bad moods – like if girl is being sulky and whining bc she couldn’t bring a friend, or she wanted to sleep bc of jet lag, or she wanted a different restaurant bc it’s cooler on insta, or she was begging for a designer bag and pouting when told no… I can see a parent losing it at some point.

          Rude to other diners yes, but I wouldn’t jump to abuse…

       2. Especially since it sounds like there wasn’t even yelling – just louder than normal talking. People can parent in different ways than we would, even ways that are not great, without it being abuse. Parents who yell might also be abusive, but yelling is not abuse.

       3. I’d probably just ask the restaurant to move me to somewhere quiet.

       4. It always strikes me as amusing that this blog loves to second guess the OP’s experience. My post states that he was loudly “cursing at and berating” her not simply calling her entitled. There is no need to repeatedly curse at a child, certainly not in public, certainly not for 20 minutes straight (i.e., not an unfortunate slip of the tongue that happens to every parent at some point), and if that’s how he speaks to her in public then I shudder to think what he does behind closed doors. If an obscenity-laden 20-minute rant isn’t abuse in your book, I mean cool I guess? It sure felt like abuse from where I was sitting.

          1. I think, right or wrong, since everyone was raised differently and has different backgrounds on what they view as acceptable, what reads as abuse to you reads as normal to other posters. I was once in a position where I was a mandatory reporter and I remember having a discussion at work about what was reportable vs what was not and being surprised by some of the answers.

          2. What do you want us to tell you? You, yourself, didn’t do anything. Nobody is saying that dad was making a stellar parenting choice (he was absolutely not), but verbal putdowns generally don’t fall into the category of things that CPS is going to do anything about.

             1. yes, even after hearing a clarification that the swearing part lasted longer than a minute (wasn’t clear to me from the original post), what exactly would you do? Walk up to the table and confront the dad? No, not appropriate. Follow the girl if she got up alone? No, weird and creepy – if as a teen a stranger had approached me to ask if I was ok after being loudly scolded by a parent, I would have died of mortification. Try to report the family in some manner? Like someone is going to investigate because the dad was being loud and cruel in a public place? Also no.

                I think you also considered these options and decided doing nothing was the most appropriate course of action, and we’re agreeing with you…

          3. What do you want to happen? Foster care where she will be trafficked?

          4. No one is second guessing the facts, just your characterization of them as abuse. Maybe the dad is an awful emotionally abusive person. On the other hand, maybe the daughter had just been deeply r*cist or horrendously rude to a hotel staffer, called her stepmother a sl*t, or pitched a fit over being told that the new car she was receiving for her birthday wouldn’t be a Range Rover (all things I’ve witnessed from teenagers over the years). You have no idea what generated the conduct you witnessed. Was it ideal parenting? No, no one here seems to think it was. But there’s a lot of water between “not ideal parenting” and “abuse.”

          5. In general, kids are asked to put up with a lot that an adult professional wouldn’t tolerate. Yelling, berating, bullying, etc. I work for an employer with an HR department alongside people who were background checked before they were hired. My life is many times more sheltered and comfortable than when I was a minor.

          6. No, yelling and cursing at a child is not legally abuse. I prosecute child abuse.

          7. Is it abusive by most people’s standards? Yes

             Is is “abuse” in the legal sense that would cause authorities to intervene? No, And given that, there is nothing you can do that will make it better. Any intervention on your part will only make him angrier and embarrass her.

             Some people are terrible parents but unless their conduct is bad enough that it is actionable, there is very little you can do unless you know the child well enough to offer support and an occasional refuge.

       5. +1. I think it would have been super weird if you or the restaurant had intervened in any way. I also don’t talk to my kids like that, nor do I think a public venue is the place to have a conversation like what OP described, but it definitely doesn’t sound like abuse.

          1. Agreed.

    4. Ugh, my father used to do this to me as a teenager, even did it when I was in my 20s and we’d go out to dinner when he was on business trips in the area. Rant at me for everything under the sun – being entitled, my politics, my grades, acne, my weight, whatever. It was absolutely humiliating and demoralizing, and something about seeing an entire restaurant stare at me made me feel even worse.

       If it makes you feel any better, literally no one has ever intervened on my behalf in these situations. Though, my father and I don’t have a relationship today.

       1. +1

          Same story, although my mother instead of father. No one ever intervened, even when they were literally turning to form a circle to stare at the scene unfolding. If you think what you saw in the restaurant was bad, imagine what happens behind closed doors.
          Later in life when I wasn’t around to scream at, she started doing it to colleagues and neighbors and did at that point face legal repercussions.

14. Assuming it’s part of stock liquidation but I picked up the Revlon One Step Straight and Shine XL in TK Maxx at the weekend and used it for the first time this morning. What a revelation. Very happy to say goodbye to my hair straighteners. (I was considering the GHD version but they’re expensive for something I wasn’t sure if I’d use).

15. Hi Ladies – Talk to me about birth controls. If I don’t want to go back on the pill, what are my other options? What are you using that is the lowest impact/effect on your bodies?

    1. I got the Mirena in March and I like that it has a lower/more targeted hormonal load than the pills.

       1. I’m on my second Mirena. Have had a Mirena for 9 years now. I love, love, love it and would never go back!

       2. I’ve been using Mirena for almost 20 years now – they have been great. I don’t get my period, and they have slowed the regrowth of my uterine fibroids.

       3. I used Mirena for about 10 years and loved it. Bonus: It made my periods go away.

    2. Non-hormonal IUD.

       1. +1 – I had the Paraguard IUD placed in my senior year of college on the advice of my obgyn (my parents healthcare coverage expired at 19 and my college healthcare plan covered this in full until graduation). 10 years of coverage, slightly painful insertion, and slightly heavier periods but so worth it for the peace of mind (obvs doesn’t protect against STDs though so barrier methods still must be used).

       2. Same. I’ve had mine for 9 years and adore it.

       3. Same. My gyn tried to talk me out of the Paragard because she says she has to remove a lot of them due to people being unhappy with heavier periods, but I thought it was great and I can’t use hormonal BC. My periods started out a little heavier and more painful but it leveled out over the years (and it was still very managable), and I had no side effects.

    3. Condoms are effective, cheap and don’t mess around with my hormones.

    4. Details matter a lot. How old are you? Do you have kids? Are you in a long term relationship with someone who would consider a vasectomy?

    5. I’ve used charting to manage my fertility for the last 7 years very successfully (not pregnant and no scares when I was avoiding pregnancy and pregnant pretty quickly when I was ready to be). I use the Clue app plus ovulation test strips when I’m getting into the zone of risk. You can use a paper calendar if you don’t want to use an app.

       1. I also have the privilege of having a very regular cycle and no health conditions that affect my cycle (35 yo). I just started tracking in Jan & it really blows me away how accurate I’ve been so far. It took me WAY too long in life to read TCOYF! a thanks to this board, obviously!

    6. Paraguard IUD after our 1st baby. This made my periods really heavy. Condoms in between our 2 and 3 babies. Mirena after our last baby. Then my husband got a vasectomy. I loved Mirena. It made my periods much lighter and other than that, I had no other side effects.

    7. I’ve had the Kyleena IUD (low hormone) for 3 years after being on LoLoestrin for about a decade and I love love love my IUD. Insertion was unpleasant but totally bearable and over in a few seconds. I know YMMV with IUDs but I’ve had 0 negative effects from mine besides my period cramps/PMS symptoms being a smidge more noticeable.

    8. I got the Mirena IUD in Oct/Nov. My experience has been mostly positive thus far. I did, however, have a very painful insertion process. Don’t let that hold you back. I just suggest the following: 1) a c*rvix softening medication that you use the night before, I think (I had this) and 2) pain medication – ask for it in advance. They may try to brush this off. Don’t let them. They can give you a small prescription for like 2 days. The pain was gone for me by the following evening.

       1. +1. My first insertion hurt like hell but I felt totally fine by the next day. Second one was a swap-out and still wasn’t enjoyable but at least I knew what to expect.

       2. Vasectomy for your partner should absolutely be part of this discussion. After all, we wouldn’t want to need an adoration would we…

    9. Only sleep with men with vasectomies.
       Seriously.

    10. I use condoms and I’m happy with that.

16. after a rough few months with bad eating habits, I’ve decided I”m going to try a modified 75 soft, which I just learned about from an article I read this weekend. Has anyone done one? I have absolutely zero interest in a 75 hard or a Whole 30 or anything I feel like is a disguise for disordered behavior but I feel like 75 soft (with many a few additional modifications tailored to my life), might be a good habit reset for me.

    1. I followed the principles of it for a couple of weeks to kick start me back into healthier behaviours. I agree with you that 75 hard sounds disordered

       1. do you feel like it successfully kick started healthier habits?

          1. Yeah I think so – got me back into the rhythm of working out. Then I signed up for a half marathon and the training plan for that brought me enough structure

    2. What on earth does this even mean?

       1. This is the 75 soft challenge: https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/75-soft-challenge-tiktok

          It’s an adaptation of the 75 hard challenge: https://andyfrisella.com/pages/75hard-info

          Looks like OP is hoping to reset her habits/adapt healthier habits and is interested in following the 75 soft guidelines to do so, while still being flexible enough to tailor it to her lifestyle (which seems reasonable and healthy). Some people, myself included, need a very structured framework when trying to make healthy changes in our lives so just saying “eat more veggies and workout more” is not helpful to us. 75 Hard seems bananas to me, so the 75 soft is a more reasonable approach for many.

    3. It’s okay to prefer 75 soft over Whole30, but can we not accuse people of “disordered behavior” for following temporary elimination diets that are no more restricted than a medical elimination diet? I’ve never noticed anything magical (or even helpful, honestly!) about medical supervision that makes the same diet different when medically supervised. It’s totally okay to reject them as unnecessary overkill for simple habit resets, but some people have more going on than habits.

       1. Nope. Whole30 is disordered.

          1. I guess I just don’t understand what makes it disordered when a medical elimination diet is not.

             I live in a country where more people with Celiac are undiagnosed than diagnosed and where access to medical care is not great either, so people routinely identify their food intolerances by doing elimination diets on their own. This isn’t ideal on a social level, but the science isn’t any different whether it’s been rubber stamped by a physician or not.

             1. Because a medical elimination diet is under the direction of a medical professional and used as a diagnostic test. Eating as restrictively as the Whole 30 without a medical reason is disordered.

             2. There can still be a medical reason without the direction of a medical professional. Again not everyone has access to medical supervision when it is costly. I did a medical elimination diet as a diagnostic test under the direction of a medical professional, and it was expensive and didn’t seem any different to me. Literally all the work of performing the diet, reporting symptoms, reintroducing foods was my problem. So the medical professional contributed essentially nothing other than saying “do this.” So I don’t see how it’s so different.

    4. Why does this need a name? Can’t you just make better decisions? Do you really need to work out EVERY day? Why does it need to be for a set period? Isn’t the goal to do this for life? Maybe I am an outlier but putting labels and time limits on things makes them feel hard and temporary and like a setup for long-term failure because in your head aren’t you thinking “on Day 76 I will spend all afternoon in the Baskin Robbins polishing off a whole ice cream cake and then there will be a dinner of ribs and more ice cream and a bottle of red followed by whiskey and then don’t get me started on what Day 77 looks like because it starts with bacon cupcakes and mimosas.” My long-term success has been based on just deciding to make better decisions at the table, and to stop eating when I am full. If I stopped overdrinking I’d be golden but I don’t need to stop overdrinking for 10 weeks, I need to do it for the next 50 years (well, maybe 35 and then all bets are off).

       1. Not OP, but for me personally, participating in a challenge lowers the willpower required, kind of like “body doubling.” I feel supported by other participants and like we’re in it together. And if there are resources (shopping lists, recipes, etc.) that also makes it a lot easier.

          I think it’s normal to eat differently at different times of year (at least in the part of the world where I live, there wouldn’t have been any other option historically!). So I’m okay eating with the seasons, and I typically feel best if I eat lighter in the summer (since I feel overheated and sluggish if I eat heavy meals on hot days).

          Finally, after a few weeks, my tastes change radically when it comes to things that are sweet. If I lay off of the sweets long enough, treats taste too sweet to me and I don’t even enjoy them anymore. Fortunately a lot of other foods taste sweeter than before, and I enjoy non-treat foods more. So there’s an aesthetic aspect for it to me where I can shift my palate and what I even find desirable.

          1. I totally agree on the sweets issue. But that happens whether you call it a challenge or a diet or a habit. And if on Day 76 you go back to eating sweets you’ve kind of missed the point.

       2. I have ADHD and need a stringent plan with a timeline to make changes. I can’t just set out and say “I’m going to make better food choices” – I need to outline exactly what that means, how I’ll do it, when I’ll do it.

          This is all done with the idea that after 75 days, I will continue because it will be a habit. I have no intention of spending day 76 eating ribs and ice cream and whiskey. I might indulge in one of those things but not all 3. I might go back to ice cream 3x a week, which is better than the 7x a week I’m doing now.

       3. Not everyone has the willpower or the mental capacity or whatever to just stop eating xyz and start exercising. I always have a goal of eating better but I dont have the capacity right now to come up with what that means.

          I too need to stop over drinking, but even 10 weeks of limiting my drinking is better for my health than 0 weeks.

          But really – I need the organization and the structure of a plan and the support of a community in order to be successful. If I gained these 10 lbs because I was left to my own devices, that means I can’t just lose the weight left to my own devices.

17. Do you ever go on vacation and feel like you’re living the rest of your life wrong? Like the vacation-you is your real life and you exist in a haze otherwise? And when you come back from vacation and return to your everyday life you feel this tightness in your chest like this can’t possibly be happening, I thought I was out, how did I find myself back here?

    1. Yes. I like to go on hiking vacations to National Parks out west. I don’t backpack, but I spend hours a day out in nature hiking strenuous trails and I do feel like that’s the “real” me. As a kid I dreamed of growing up to be a pioneer or an explorer (I read a lot of historical fiction!). In many ways, I do love my east coast big city life but whenever I’m out West hiking I see the life that my childhood self wanted. Of course, it is compounded by the fact that I used to have a really cool public service job with a big “out of the office” component, so when I came home at least I was coming home to a cool job, but a year ago I sold out bc I couldn’t afford a public service salary anymore and now I have a corporate job I do not like.

       1. Maybe there’s a way to find a middle ground. I work a government sector job in a MCOL area, blue state, and I live 10 and 20 minutes from two awesome places to hike. I fit it into my schedule very weekend and usually 1-3 times during the week by either rising early or taking a late afternoon break and then working part of the evening. The hiking and outdoor time keeps me sane, and my job is fairly intense.

          1. Yeah, I know I need to be better about prioritizing nature in my day to day life. I live downtown, which is the right choice for this stage of my life, which means aside from a few parks – I have to drive at least 30 mins to get to bigger parks, and an hour to get out to real nature, which rules it out on a weekday. I am trying to dedicate 1 weekend a month to getting out really into nature. When it is time to move to the burbs, I know I want to prioritize a town with easy access to nature.

             I also know I will stay in my current city for many (very good!) reasons, b ut also acknowledge that I don’t live that close to great nature. I can do small hikes, nature walks, etc. but I will never just have a 15 min drive to a great hike.

       2. This was me too, as a child! So I moved from the east coast to the west and now I live this my “real me” life on the weekends.

    2. Yes. I took a four-week road trip last year and though I worked several days in the middle it was the closest I’ve ever come to a sabbatical. Instead of feeling refreshed and ready to work when I got back I felt more trapped and unhappy than ever.

    3. Today is my first day back from vacation and I feel this so much. Doesn’t help that the vacation was to the place where I want to buy a second home and I just looked at my budget this morning.

    4. I was supposed to be a novelist and live a grand life. And also maybe be a spy. Dreams are . . . dreams? And that they don’t come to fruition is normal and not some sort of personal failure. No one dreams of paying the rent and the utility bill and putting $ in a 401k and being in middle management, but as someone who grew up poor, there is value in stability b/c you’re not so busy surviving that you don’t also have time to vacation and dream some more.

    5. Oh, I have definitely experienced this. My dream life would look like a Title 9 catalog. Lots of backpacking, swimming in the sea, etc. Every day of my life. Alas, that is not real life. And I live in a place with four seasons and some of this stuff is just straight up not feasible for 300 days of the year.

       However, I have used stuff like this as a cue that something needs to change and I need to incorporate more joy into my daily existence. For me, it’s meant carving out time in the middle of the week to have an outdoor adventure, even if it’s close to home and not really insta-worthy. I feel most like myself when I’m playing outside like I did as a kid. It’s made a difference. I also have a summer ritual of having my morning coffee on the deck, and I hold it sacred. Like I won’t go anywhere on the weekend until I’ve made time for that.

    6. 100% The one thing I’m doing to try to help is noticing when I feel completely absorbed by work.I’ve started calling myself Jane CompanyName instead of Jane Doe. My husband will even ask some nights- who am I talking to right now, Jane CompanyName or Jane Doe? I’ve noticed that when I WFH and don’t go into the office, I start feeling like myself again. The weeks I’m in office I feel so absorbed by work and my coworkers. I spend more time with them than my family! No real advice, just commiseration.

    7. Yes! Last summer I was paddleboarding in the ocean with my children at ten in the morning on a Wednesday and then going back to our fancy rental house for lunch and naps. I was like how is this not my life??

    8. Yes, I feel this every Monday. Despite serious incentives to stay at my current role, I am contemplating a major change to try to re-discover how I want to spend my life.

    9. Yes. I’ve been there and I feel like I was perilously close to my breaking point over it. Basically the only thing keeping me going was planning the next vacation, and the good effects of the vacations were lasting less and less time. It got to the point that I was already feeling burnt out again on day one back from vacation. And I had hobbies, but it just felt like those enrichment toys they give the animals at the zoo — it might spice it up a little, but doesn’t change the fact that you’re trapped. I’ve made it a goal to just build a life that I don’t need a vacation from. And it’s hard. But I’m happier now the last seven months than I was for years!

       1. What did you do to make the change?

          1. Honestly, mostly it was that I quit litigation. I now have an entirely reasonable job and reasonable workload. But I also prioritize my home life, health, and rest. It’s a little bit hard to put into words in a way that doesn’t sound completely corny, but I’m trying. It’s kinda like the reverse of the original post “Like the vacation-you is your real life and you exist in a haze otherwise” — the outside of work me is the real me and the work me is just this little piece of my life I have to do regularly, but it’s not who I am. I don’t introduce myself by my title anymore, I don’t overly identify with work, I don’t check my email all the time and I never respond to emails on weekends or nights. I don’t make excuses at home because work was busy or whatever. If I have to phone it in, its going to be the work life not the home life that gets phoned in, if that makes sense. And I realize that is not a luxury that everyone has, but for me it was a deal-breaker when I made my exit plan from law. I practice yoga and attempt to meditate. I never set an alarm clock on the weekend. And I try to remember to practice gratitude for the mundane, everyday moments because those are the ones that bring me joy.

             (And I do try to do a lot of fun things too, that’s definitely part of it! If I see something fun or interesting or that I want to do, I’ll get tickets to it knowing I’m 100% ok doing it alone, but I’ve never had a problem finding someone to come with me to anything I’ve booked.)

             1. Omg I needed to read this. This spoke to me. Thank you. Hoping I can find this soon.

             2. Where did you go to get out of litigation? I’ve been in litigation for 10 years; it’s my skill set. I like it and I’m good at it…but I also am starting to hate it because it is crushing and overwhelming. I need to get out but I’m not sure where to go next, and everything you said in your post resonated HARD with me.

       2. Would love to hear more about how you made this change.

18. Y’all. I started a new job today. One I am picking up my life and moving for. When I logged in today (started remotely), I discovered a former colleague is in my welcome meeting and will be on my team. This person had a brief stint somewhere else before coming here so I didn’t realize they would be here…I am..not pleased. Really, really not a fan of this person and my whole new job excitement bubble is burst. I also found out they are a level above me, which I am shocked by. When they were at my last company, I was the one multiple levels above them. I’m not sure how they pulled this one off. I know I sound nasty right now, I’m just so upset. Thanks for listening.

    1. I am so sorry – I feel your pain. I was in your shoes a few years ago, when I started a new job (and was so grateful to leave awful people behind, including someone I’ll call “Mary”). Imagine my horror when literally three months later, I see Mary in the lobby waiting to be interviewed. She ended up at my new workplace and rose through the ranks. I left that job after 10 years (she’s still there) and I’m so glad I don’t have to work with her anymore (again). All I can say is try to be cordial and civil and keep your distance. That’s what I did, and it mostly worked, though I still have terrible memories of having to interact with her.

    2. I am sorry. You have every reason to feel upset and disappointed.

    3. I am sorry – that would be a huge bummer for me too!! I hope you can limit interactions with them as much as possible!

    4. Oh no! I think feeling the mean reds about this is perfectly normal.

    5. Ugh what an unwelcome surprise! I hope you don’t have to interact much with them. Failing upward is so real. Hopefully they’ll likewise have a brief stint at your new employer.

    6. Maybe, just maybe, “Mary” is in a different phase of professional life than she was when you were last colleagues. Try to have no prior expectations of her and see where that gets you.

19. Has anyone rented a car lately when traveling? I heard a lot of horror stories. I’m booking a car for August from the airport I’m flying into and it looks to be business as usual with plenty of availability. Has this been the case for others but then the car wasn’t available or does it seem like if it’s letting you book at reasonable rates then everything should be fine?

    1. I had a rental car out of ABI airport the weekend of the Pocono 500 (so: high local demand) and it was fine like when I’ve done this in prior years before COVID and it’s supply-chain aftermath.

    2. Haven’t had any surprises in the last year with a sample of 3 (rentals through national chains – hertz, Avis, Alamo).

    3. I haven’t had any issues. I reserve ahead and it’s been business as usual.

    4. I thought the horror stories were from people who thought they could just show up and get a car without making a reservation ahead of time? The pearl clutching over things like this has shown me that a lot of people really do not travel like I do. I can’t imagine planning a trip and not reserving the car in advance. But apparently a lot of people do? Or did, anyway.

       See also – all these “new pandemic era” travel tips I’m seeing on social media telling people to arrive at the airport early, be sure their layover is more than an hour, get the first flight of the day whenever possible, plan to fly to your location at least a day before an important event like a wedding or cruise, don’t book through third party apps that are notorious for overbooking, pay extra for an actual seat if you’re flying an airline that supposedly assigns a seat at check in, don’t wait until the last minute to renew your passport/global entry/precheck, etc. No wonder everyone thinks I’m a bit of a neurotic traveler, I can’t fathom traveling like many people apparently do!

       1. Yea all the horror stories I heard were from people showing up at car rental places without reservations. Which is crazy to me in normal times.

       2. A hearty +1 to the reaction to all the travel tips like…. isn’t that part of being a prepared traveler always??

          (I have, however, started only booking with airlines, hotels, or Airbnbs that at a very minimum give you a full credit for rebooking – a way of self-insuring.)

       3. I totally understand as I got ‘taught’ how to travel in my early 20s working for a Big4 with lots of road warriors (I was the Anna Kendrick character in up in the air for my first trip). The stuff that now seems like ‘duh’ moments were absolutely not how any of my family or friends growing up traveled – air travel was VERY rare, and while we did book flights early my parents still try to get the ‘best’ deals via 3rd parties, don’t have pre-check, rely on friends or family to get them to/from the airport (so often don’t arrive super early), check huge bags (older, don’t like heavy carry-ons), etc.
          Many Americans don’t/can’t afford to fly and so simply don’t understand things like deadheading crew booting passengers, a flight crew ‘timing out’, that carrying on bags means you can switch airlines more easily, etc.

          1. Yeah some of it is experience, some of it is personality I think. I went on exactly one family vacation ever that involved air travel. Everyone was super anxious and did everything by the book because they were so out of their element. Like, we were at the airport 3 hours before the flight – and this was before 9/11 so it wasn’t as if security lines were a big issue – everything was booked super far in advance, the layover was like 5 hours (on a domestic flight!) because they were so afraid to miss the connection, although yes they brought huge luggage that had to be checked. By contrast, most of the frequent business travelers I know are showing up to the airport like 45 minutes before their flight and they cut it close on layovers and such too. They’re just used to things going according to plan, I think. But also, if my family were to travel now I’m pretty sure they would be totally clueless about liquids and would be completely perplexed that they can’t bring a full sized bottle of aerosol hairspray on the plane – “But we did it in 1977!”

             1. I think for frequent business travelers, you have enough status that it’s not a big deal to work around a missed connection in most cases – it’s worth taking the risk that the short connection works, because it’s pretty easy for you to get off the standby list on the next flight.

             2. To add on to that, I am a semi-frequent business traveler. I don’t necessarily have a *ton* of status, but I travel enough where for me to pad in an extra hour or two for the “just in case” would start to eat into a meaningful part of my life. So I’d rather cut things kind of close on the larger chance that it will be fine, even if that means once in an extreme while it isn’t. Because I’d rather have one or two rare times of inconvenience than make every single time I travel longer than it needs to be, if forced to choose.

             3. Haha my family did exactly zero air travel. I remember the first time I had to fly from SFO to San Diego for work, I couldn’t stop giggling as the plane took off!

    5. It’s hard to find cars to book and prices are high but I haven’t had any issues with availability with booked cars, and I’ve traveled to a few high-demand planes like coastal Maine and Hawaii.

    6. I had a rental 2 weeks ago at the Detroit airport. Had to wait 45 min in line to pickup (mid-afternoon on a Thursday so no idea why), and then they didn’t have the level of car I had prepaid for and charged me to upgrade. I was seriously displeased…

       1. Oh that’s very weird. The last couple times I’ve rented a car they didn’t have the car model but I wasn’t charged for the upgrade. I would have been pretty ticked about that but also they have you over a barrel.

    7. In the last few months I’ve had 2 car rentals:
       – I booked a rental car from an Enterprise not located at the airport, as this was cheaper and had more inventory. This was a totally normal rental car experience and all went well.
       – I went to a conference along with several acquaintances in my field. I had about an hour wait at the rental car desk and then had trouble finding the car once I got the keys, but otherwise it was smooth. My colleagues had less success – I probably had the shortest wait of anyone, I know some waited about 2 hours. Everyone got a car, but some got a different car than their reservation – so folks were expecting a midsize sedan and ended up with a Ford F150 or a sports car. As someone who doesn’t drive in my day to day life,I wouldn’t be comfortable in such a large or fancy car but luckily these two colleagues were a-okay with what they were given. Since we were all there on work travel, I don’t know if there was an increased cost or if the original price was honored (since work was paying – ditto about now being in a gas guzzler – it wasn’t my colleague’s money)

    8. We rented a car out of DCA two weeks ago and it went very smoothly.

    9. It’s generally been fine but we had one episode 3 months back where Hertz was just completely out of cars except very high end models when we got there, despite the fact that we had reserved in advance (and were Hertz Gold members). We waited 2 hours with our 3 kids, including a screaming exhausted toddler, before a car was available. They were not willing to give us a pricier car even though they were available, and the car they eventually gave us was smaller than we had paid for and we had to fight to get some of our prepayment back given that. The Hertz employees were less than helpful or even sympathetic.

    10. My BF has a rental car most days of the year. His experience over the last year has been night and day from the first part of the pandemic, which really was rough for rental cars.

    11. Last week I had a reservation in Tulsa – travel was for work. They had cars but they were still being cleaned so I had to wait about 40 minutes for a car. That’s the worst it has been and I travel a lot for work. You should be okay – but you might want to call a day or two ahead.

    12. I’ve rented several times this year with no issues. Used Alamo & National and both were very easy to book. No issues picking up or returning the cars, and no suprise charges.

        From what I’ve seen, Hertz is the one to avoid, as they’ve been reporting innocent drivers as car thieves, leading renters to be arrested because of Hertz’s mistake.

20. Any good how-to or step by step systems for learning how to do manicures and pedicures myself? I always get regular polish at the salon. The experience has never been relaxing for me, but I end up paying $80 every month to have nice looking cuticles and nails (although I don’t chew or bite them, my cuticles seem to always be peeling). Most women in my office get gel manicures and I just don’t like them. I have tried sally Hanson products but probably am not as “religious” about a system and am willing to try in July to save money and time.

    1. Also following

    2. Practice makes perfect. And patience. For it to last you have to wait longer between coats than most people have the patience for. I wait 5 minutes between each coat.

       I also use a toothpick to clean up any spill over but after 10+ years of doing it myself, I’m pretty solid. Also, if you accidentally smudge, lick your finger and softly smooth it out then apply an additional coat. You can also clean up with a q-tip soaked in remover prior to your final top coat. Apply polish to the tip of your nail to help it last longer too!

       I am snobby about nails and fully believe mine look better than most salon manicures.

       1. For your cuticles, use hand lotion constantly!

          1. And use something heavier at night, like aquaphor.

             1. Agreed!

                And as someone mentioned, dishwashing gloves. Always.

    3. I do very simple manicures at home. First, take off old polish, cut/file nails. Next apply Sally Hansen Instant Cuticle Remover (blue bottle – it’s a clear gel) along my cuticles and sides of my nail. Let sit for 30-45 seconds then push back cuticles with a metal cuticle tool. Clean off gel with paper towel/tissue and trim any loose cuticles/skin as needed with cuticle clippers (often, I find this is not needed after the gel/pushing back). Then wash and dry hands and apply Dior Nail Glow. Takes ~10 min total (Nail Glow dries in about 2 min) and keeps my nails looking neat and clean all week (no chips to worry about).

       1. +1 love this cuticle remover

    4. Practice, practice, practice. Recreate the steps they go through at the salon instead of jumping right in with polish. Use a good too coat. Some polishes last longer than others no matter how good a job you do. I like the Essie gel couture line, I’ve found it’s one of the longest lasting non-gel kinds.

    5. Invest in good supplies! I use Dazzle Dry and an at-home gel kit. I’m very hard on my nails so both of those last about 5 days for me (as opposed to 2 hours for regular nail polish or 6 hours for the Essie no-light gel). I am not great at doing my nails (cuticles, shaping my nails, etc). but at least they’re polished and look good enough and not chipping.

       I still go get my nails done ahead of “important events” and on occasion just to have general upkeep done on them (since I don’t do that at home), but 80% of the time I just DIY

    6. I follow the Olive and June steps (watch the videos), even though their polish is not my favorite. Do it consistently, and you will get so much better with practice. My cuticles are not fantastic and peel easily. Once a week, I use the blue Sally Hansen cuticle remover and push my cuticles back. I try really hard not to cut, unless there’s a hangnail. And you have to keep those babies moisturized, unfortunately.

       I really don’t like getting my nails done in a salon (pedis are different), and I do a fine job at home. Gels wreck my nails, so I steer clear and use regular polish with a good topcoat.

    7. You need to use cuticle remover as part of your regular routine (how frequently depends on your individual cuticles) and cuticle oil. I cannot emphasize the cuticle oil enough. At least morning and night and more frequently throughout the day if possible. I like Essie polishes (regular polish and their gel-like polish, which I can’t remember the name of) for non-gel polish.

    8. Cuticles always look great for a few days after a professional mani and then go to sh!t because they clip them. You want to switch to lotion and pushing back or using a gentle remover gel, rather than cutting.

       1. Yup, this. It’s a game changer. On the rare occasion I get a professional mani, I will not let them cut the cuticles anymore.

    9. Do you wash the dishes without gloves? Dish soaps often have SLS. Does your shampoo have SLS as well? I realised years ago I’m allergic to SLS. When I’ve had to use it (dog shampoo, for example) my cuticles and hands in general are a mess almost immediately afterward.

    10. I love this woman’s youtube channel, and have already learned so much about caring for my nails.

        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC72QuninCn1xZ62hrbhGXHg

21. I’m not often tempted by the Monday splurges but this one is gorgeous.

    1. +1, will look for this one on off season sale.

    2. I never got on the smocking band wagon (even in the 70s). If you want the elastic to last, you’ll have to line dry. Also, not even 100% silk! For $350!!!

       1. Yeah, for $350 I want all natural fibers!

          This is a brand I’ve bought a couple of times second hand, though. I’d pay second hand prices for this blouse but not $350.

    3. Yeah my first reaction opening the page this morning was “ooohhhh!” And that’s not the usual for me.

22. Question for the lawyers. A friend with 3 young kids left her husband after an abusive incident which led to police involvement and a hospital overnight. But she doesn’t have any access to money. How does she even get a lawyer to manage the protection orders and the eventual divorce?

    1. She’s in Tennessee, I’m in the UK so feeling very useless at the moment, as I can’t even send some cash due to lack of bank account. And feeling because now things make more sense but none of us put two and two together. She doesn’t even have her own email address etc.

       1. She should go get a bank account in her own name. Is she at a shelter? They can connect her with resources like getting a phone, email, etc.

          1. She’s with a friend but I think a social worker is involved. She’s from my Reddit moms group, and we are trying to pool money for her needs, but I assume our money will cover a new phone and the kids’ wardrobe, not a lawyer…

       2. What part of TN? We may be able to suggest resources (I’m in Nashville).

          1. Mursfreeboro, any suggestions very welcome!

             1. https://las.org/what-we-do/counties-we-serve/murfreesboro/

                Her local civil legal aid can do representation based on her having no income. Also, I would hope someone in the justice system gives her the local DV organization, which will also have established relationships. Signed, former legal aid lawyer. Thinking of your friend!

          2. The YWCA has a strong DV advocacy program, as does the Jean Crowe Adcovcay Center, which is inside the main courthouse in Nashville. Have your friend reach out to both.

             Best of luck to her and her children and I am so sorry they are going through this.

    2. Cb, there’s a lot of non-profits and resources available to DV survivors, so perhaps it would be most helpful if you and your friends help her find organizations to contact. This is what abusers do — make victims economically dependent so it is impossible for them to leave. The organizations are used to dealing with this. She doesn’t have to do everything on her own — her abuser will make her feel like she has no support, and that she has no choice but to return to him. Which is why having these resources is crucial! GL to your friend.

       1. Thanks so much! We will get digging. Luckily it’s a big group of 20, one of the women has offered up her in law unit but she needs consultations with lawyer to figure out how she leaves the state with the children legally.

          1. She needs to just call a lawyer to get this advice. Now. Including “how do I pay you when he controls all the money.” The lawyer can explain that.

             1. +1,000,000

    3. And Paypal. I think they have debit cards now, to link to a Paypal account. A friend of mine is in a homeless shelter in Nashville, and our group regularly contributes to her Paypal account.

    4. She can also apply for a credit card, just in her own name. She should be able to get that pretty quickly. While not the ideal situation to be living off credit cards, this situation might warrant that for now.

    5. When I was in family law, a lot of the retainers were borrowed from family or friends. Sucks. Credit cards also work.

23. Late last week I was diagnosed with DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ….essentially Stage 0 bre@st cancer). Anyone else been through that and can comment on your treatment…or decision not to treat?

    1. Oof. I get it. That’s a gut punch. That was my original diagnosis, but ultimately when I had excision surgery, it was determined to have escaped the duct and become IDC. I ended up having a double mastectomy. I don’t say this to scare you, only to tell you my story and that it’s possible. So this will color my opinion when I tell you that you really, really need to treat it. It may not ever become anything, but this is like a crack in your ceiling. It may stay a crack forever, but you ceiling could possibly collapse. Even if this is a small chance (like less than 10%), wouldn’t you want to take advantage now when it’s easier to fix?

       Find a good breast surgeon. They are more important to you at this stage than the oncologist. Ask your friends for recs if you don’t have one or know one. If you’re over 35, you will have friends that know (or they will have friends). Sad but true.

    2. My mom had this in the last five years. Memory is a little fuzzy, but there was an excision and no further treatment. She did mohs surgery to reduce scarring and, today, you can barely see it. My mom has also had b r e a s t cancer two other entirely unrelated times (stage 1 and stage 2, each). Having seen what she went through for those – full chemo, radiation – I would never not treat a stage 0 for fear of it becoming further advanced.

    3. Me. Treatment was supposed to be just an excision then radiation. Unfortunately the margins were not clear, so I ended up with a mastectomy and reconstruction of that breast. All good for 6 years, but now I have scar tissue building (capsular contracture) around the implant and am contemplating a second reconstruction. I second the advice to find a great breast surgeon. And….

       Anyone have one to recommend in the DC area?

24. Tell me about vacation home co-ops? “Sold by CCAR Member” is the status on so many vacation home listings in Southeast.

25. A tweet from this week that has stuck with me:

    If you’re a fancy lawperson you can help by shunning everyone in the Federalist Society. Don’t invite them to things. Don’t give them jobs. Deny them all connections. Destroy their careers whenever possible.

    As a fancy lawperson, I do feel some responsibility here. I also have (had?) friends who are in FedSoc. How to deal with them going forward? What do you all think, will you do anything differently WRT these people?

    1. I am not a member but, FWIW, the people I know who are members do it for the networking and connections, not a sincere belief in everything it supposedly stands for.

       1. Does that make it better or worse? Sincere question. I know someone exactly like that (in NY, he thought it would help his career during the Trump administration). I think I find it more offensive, personally, because it signals a total lack of principles.

          1. I agree with you, I think it’s worse to be in that org “for the networking.’

       2. I am not a lawyer, but I guess OP’s suggestions would be that much more effective with those folks. Now, they have nothing to lose and only connections to gain from their membership. If you deny them your network and connections, FedSoc membership will start having a price, and they need to make a real choice.

       3. I think “destroy their careers” is a bit overzealous, per the original referenced tweet.

          Making the networking aspect less useful, sure.

       4. That’s worse

    2. I am in a very conservative area but don’t have any Fed Soc friends. I honestly think I would distance myself from them because I just can’t be around people who are trying to turn our country into a theocratic hellscape. Even if they’re nice to me, their views are abhorrent. Those who joined “just for networking” are complicit at best. I have never belonged to such an org and am in house at a Fortune 500 in one of the reddest states. Rubbing elbows with those people is not a requirement to support one’s family.

    3. I’ve grown distant from all of my FedSoc friends since Sandy Hook; I now associate the GOP with white supremacists. I’m still happy for them if they have babies or a nice FB update, but I feel like our conversations will never be more than surface again because I feel like they’re morally bankrupt or willfully ignorant.

    4. Look at your friends in the Federalist Society as individuals. Do you like them? Then keep them.

       I’m sad for the person who associates the GOP w/ white supremacists. Maybe she still has GOP friends who will disabuse her of this. If not, these are the simplistic stereoptypes that tend to develop when we shut out anyone who disagrees with us.

       1. So when Donald Trump ran as the GOP presidential candidate, and was endorsed by David Duke, the former head of the KKK, and then refused to disavow that endorsement, that wasn’t enough to associate the GOP with white supremacists?

          1. +1
             I know a bunch of people who used to r vote republican, none of them voted for Trump and they have all switched to democrat or independent registration. I think we can “agree to disagree” on the size and role of government in the market, but the abortion stance, gun stance, pro theocracy stance, and endorsement of white supremacy embraced by the current GOP is not something I can “agree to disagree” on.

       2. I guess I view Fed Soc membership much like NRA membership. Just joining the org shows that the person is at the very least not bothered by that ideals the org espouses, and I find those ideals so extreme that I can’t support them. The Fed Soc apparently doesn’t think I’m a human being with the ability to make decisions about my own body. So, I personally would have a hard time remaining close to someone who pays dues to such an organization.

          I wouldn’t push them under a bus or anything, but part of maintaining our society is taking stands that make it less profitable for others to advance an abhorrent agenda.

          1. The Federalist Society does not take stances on issues; their focus is on process, judicial interpretation, and federalism.

             1. K. Maybe there’s no statement on their website that says “we hate women,” but they specifically push forward judges and SCOTUS justices who are focused on taking rights away from women and POC. Before you say that they are “simply” interpreting the Constitution using the original intent of the founders, please note that the founders themselves didn’t think that POC or women were full humans who deserved equal rights.

    5. As a non-lawyer, I like this idea! A group with a name is easier to identify than an amorphous mass, and lawyers are an articulate and persuasive bunch. I would love to see some shunning and maybe a social media campaign giving them a bad name. I agree with AIMS that it seems especially cynical if people only join for the networking–it degrades a sense of professional ethics or belief in institutions, which are problems everywhere in the US right now!

       Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny had some great things to say about the role of professional ethics in combating authoritarianism. This sounds in line with his proposals.

    6. I don’t have friends who hate women which includes anyone in FedSoc. I do not need to voluntarily socialize with those people. I’m not in a position to destroy anyones career but I can refuse to waste my precious time on hateful people.

    7. To be frank, I can’t remember who was in Federalist Society, so unless they disclosed it I’d never know. (To be frank, I thought they were nerdier but less irritating than the Christian Legal Society people, who were just mean.) But I graduated decades ago.

       1. Yea I have absolutely no idea who is in the FedSoc in my professional networks.

26. Thanks to you all I know what a nap dress is. And we are wearing them to work now, apparently (not me — I freeze indoors so I am in layers). Biglaw (we were casual in 2020, so IDK what level we are at now, except we don’t wear hoodies (yet)).

    1. My big law firm is still casual unless you have a reason to dress up (meetings, court, etc.). Wearing a nap dress would be no big deal for just a regular day in my office.

    2. yeah, those are nbd to wear to work for regular old work days. Bring a cardigan for warmth as needed.

    3. Not in my office. I would send you home.

27. If you were taking a few days off for your birthday next week, what would you plan for yourself? I’m DC if that matters.

    1. massage and pedicure, outdoor cocktails, and time out in nature which for me would be a hike at Great Falls or a day trip to Shenandoah. If I could swing an overnight a way – a cabin in the woods for a night!

    2. I like to go to the water park for my summer birthday, haha. Floating on a lazy river does immeasurable good things for my mood.

    3. I’m not in DC, but I’m doing this next week! Just one day.

       I have a facial appt, massage appt. Plan on getting lunch (with a book + glass of wine) between, and probably a little shopping with birthday gift cards.

    4. I love going to museums by myself! That would be my ideal day.

    5. How many days long is your birthday?!

       1. I kinda assumed she’d roll her one day birthday into the long holiday weekend and just take the entire week off, because that’s what I do when my birthday rolls around between Christmas and New Years.

    6. Recently discovered parts of DC that I love and recommend: Hillwood for a house tour and grounds visit. Union Market food court for a casual lunch. Visit one of the great (free) local public pools for a swim to cool off. Bike the local route described in a recent NYTimes article about great biking cities. Shop at Dupont’s Secondi for awesome second hand clothing. Eat delicious Afghan food at Bistro Aracosia. Happy birthday!

28. Bit of a niche question, but I know there’s at least a couple of Canadians here. Are there any good resources for finding Quebec charities to donate to? I can read French, but just googling doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m doing estate planning and it’s a area we travel to a lot, so I’d like to leave something to a non-profit there. Probably looking for something related to literacy, youth, or animal welfare if anyone has specific recs. TIA!

    1. Oh I know this one! You can search on the Canadian federal government list of registered charities; there’s an advance search button that lets you sort by specific city/area as well as by type of organization. That should get you a short list, after that I guess it would be normal due diligence to decide if they’re the right charity for you. Link to follow.

    2. https://apps.cra-arc.gc.ca/ebci/hacc/srch/pub/dsplyAdvncdSrch

    3. Think about Girl Guides — similar to Girl Scouts. There is a Quebec Council and they run a camp – focus on both youth and the outdoors (not in your list, but Quebec geography is spectacular is some areas). The org is a registered charity in Canada and their programming is particularly relevant these days taking into consideration both youth mental health and womens rights.

29. what does everyone’s to-do list look like today beyond “burn it all down”? mine:
    – find out how to meaningfully volunteer at local level
    – find out how to meaningfully support flipping states blue
    – look into which blue states might be cheap enough to move to eventually
    – look into how to move to canada or any other better country.

    1. Contact a local candidate to phonebank. Super easy. You’ll be volunteering to call voters from home. It makes a huge difference. I do it for an hour or 2 at a time, and I’ve had voters say I’m the first person to ever call them. Maybe 5% of people are jerks. Honestly most don’t even answer. Highly recommend!

    2. I am looking into the process for amending my state’s constitution. The state legislature is gerrymandered to like 70% red and is restricting abortion left and right. The state population is slightly red and also slightly in favor of abortion rights, so I feel like this is our best shot at the moment.

    3. I live in a deep blue state, but my local activism circle (4 women who’ve been meeting monthly since November 2016) is focusing on three things:
       – maintaining and expanding the Democratic majority in our state legislature. State legislatures drafted all those trigger laws, and strengthening them is an essential step to getting out of this h*llscape.
       – writing postcards to encourage voter turnout in purple or red states. We have GOT to rally the troops.
       – since three of us are healthcare providers (including one full-time abortion provider), we’re looking into how to become trained to provide medical abortions by telehealth platforms.

       1. I’ve been on the receiving end of the handwritten postcard, and I like it as a political tool very much – especially as a GOTV measure. A handwritten note that says, “Don’t forget to vote next Tuesday! From your neighbor Jill :)” is so effective!

          Less keen on the phone call thing. Phones are so personal. And the phone lists that campaigns pay for are so inaccurate. I’m a Dem registered in VA; DH is registered in WA. I have never lived in Georgia in my life, but I get Republican Georgia texts constantly. DH’s federal gov’t work cell phone is on those lists and the calls are constant. He was upstairs in the shower this morning and was expecting an important call from a Maryland area code, so I answered. It was a woman running for Congress. I interrupted her and said, “Thanks, we don’t live in your district. Bye.” and she responded with, “Well, actually, we’re trying to…”, and I responded again with, “We are not registered voters in your district. We do not live in your state. This is a federal government work line. Good luck with your campaign, but take.this.number.off.your.list. Goodbye.”

          1. Research shows calls are much more effective than postcards, but if the choice is postcards or nothing…do postcards. Signed, a past candidate who knows something is always better than nothing!

          2. Oh, meant to add, “Your neighbor Jill” or “Jill from Jones Creek” isn’t someone you know – it’s just a way of letting the recipient know that you’re a real person somewhere in the area while preserving your privacy.

       2. I used to live in a swing state, but now live in a blue state. In either place, I would find it so incredibly offensive if someone from out of state called me and dared tell me who I should vote for when they know nothing about me or the place I live. I would love to see some research on whether this is effective, because it seems like the potential for backlash is really high.

          1. it’s less about persuading a stranger who to vote for, but more about turning out the voters that are likely to vote for your candidate. The victory margin in 2020 was 7 million with historic turnout, but over 95 million people didn’t participate. Almost 50% of under 24-year olds didn’t vote, 40% of Asian voters, 30% of women, 45% of low-income voters stayed home (these are just some stats highlighted in a census press release). A whole bunch of Senate seats were decided by 100k votes that year.

          2. You use a script when making calls. You never say where you live, just “hi this is Jen, a volunteer with Sarah Smith for Secretary of State”. Ideally, you’re calling people local to you. I did a phonebank for a statewide candidate last week. The organizers sent me a link to people in my city to call. Sometimes you might recognize a name!

    4. I’m taking a personal day. My mental health has been suffering. It’s not an ideal time for the day off but I just needed it. I want to remind you all to take care of yourselves. Rest is important when fighting. Rage is exhausting. Allow yourself to stop and breath. I’m going to take a mid-day bath! Also, no social media from 11:30 am on.

    5. Get involved with your state efforts. In Kansas, we are voting on a constitutional amendment on 8/2 that would remove the provisions that our state Supreme Court ruled constitute a right to abortion. We have an organized campaign to contact every registered voter in the state and ask them to Vote No. We are having weekly text banks to contact individuals who are considered low propensity voters to help get them to the polls.

       Watch for local visibility rallies and join them. One of the hardest things to know is that you aren’t alone in your beliefs. Seeing that there are other people who agree that personal autonomy matters encourages others to join in. Yesterday, the rally I attended grew from around 50 people when we started to over 200 when I left after 2 hours. We stretched down the length of a city block, and our appearance attracted others to join us.

       We are the majority. But, we need people to see that we are here, we aren’t backing down and we will not accept the loss of our rights quietly.

    6. Does anyone know if we have enough votes to reopen the window to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment? I think we need to get women into the federal constitution ASAP before we all end up as chattel again.

30. I was really disappointed by Friday’s thread disparaging women’s appearances when it felt like the OP needed a self-esteem boost and some self-confidence. It felt like that day of all days was NOT the day. Saying half of American women are “less than a 5” is not helpful. Saying no plus size women, or women older than 36, are a “7 or 8” is not helpful. We don’t need men to oppress us when we do it ourselves.

    1. Someone said women over 36 can’t be attractive? Um have they seen J Lo!?

    2. I was also horrified by that. I think on the bright side it may have only been one woman posting nasty things?

    3. I have a problem with any kind of rating system for appearances. Our bodies are not products to review and compare.

    4. I think that was one bitter person. I’m a size 16 and I am gorgeous.

       1. I’m infinitely happier, more confident, and feel so much more beautiful at a size 16/18, where my body seems to naturally land, than I ever did at a 10/12 which led to a lot of unhealthy behaviors and body hating.

    5. Dude, chill. I swear I have a very positive self image. No one–not me, not my mother, not any men–think I’m pretty. I’ve been on 5-6 dates in my life, the last of which was approximately 10 years ago. Men have literally recoiled in horror when I get near them at the thought I’d interact with them. I’m not horrific; I’m just plain, and, most importantly, that’s fine! We all know some people are just more attractive than others. It doesn’t bother me. My last in-person conversation with my mother concluded me pointing out that my dissatisfactory appearance was clearly all her fault because of both her own DNA and that of her choice of a mate (we’re the stereotype of repressed New Englanders; even the insults come out dry and biting). I have not been brainwashed into thinking I’m ugly when I’m not; general consensus is that I’m plain. I like myself. I really, truly do. I love my personality and my wit and my hobbies and my ability to do good things in life. I like all the things my mother complains about! (But, seriously, is there any way I could have smaller feet without having bound them when younger? No! So stop bugging me about them.) It’s ok to be realistic. There’s tons of things in life that I’m not good at (bowling and home decoration, for example), and I manage to get on with my life.

31. Paging anon at 11:42 in the budgeting post above: please share your grocery shopping budgeting tips with us! I noticed you said you spend $60/week for two people (so $30 per person per week) buying organic produce and ethically sourced meats. I know I am not the only one here stressed about the high grocery prices so please share your secrets

    1. Just organic strawberries alone at my city chain grocery are $6 so I find this hard to believe. Those are in season!

       1. Agreed. The post was sanctimonious so it’s either fake or she’s leaving out an important fact like she and her husband have an organic farm where they source all of their produce and they trade their produce with their neighbor who raises ethically raised cattle so they’re spending $0 on produce/meat and the $60 goes to fair trade coffee or something.

          Because yeah – a organic red pepper was just being sold by Acme for almost $3 for ONE PEPPER the other day.

    2. I call BS on that claim.

       1. Me too. There’s no way that’s possible.

    3. So not that poster, but I posted a response above about spending $400 a month for two people. We also buy a fair amount of organic produce, but not exclusively. I agree that getting it down to $250 a week would take some work, but we buy a fair amount of splurgy stuff, so it doesn’t seem completely impossible if we were actually trying to save money on food. Part of the answer is that you don’t buy the $6 strawberries. We buy cheap fresh produce like apples, pears, bananas, carrots, onions, cabbage, broccoli/cauliflower, sweet potatoes and supplement with frozen or canned stuff (canned is pretty much just various forms of tomatoes, but I cook with those a lot) or other things in season (we live in CA, so you can get pretty good stuff for not as much as when I lived on the East Coast). We shop at Traders Joes 90% of the time, but also get some specialty stuff online and sometimes buy nonperishables online from Walmart or Target. We don’t eat much meat, but do buy some pricy vegan stuff, which probably balances out. Most meals are veggies, beans, and grains in some form.

    4. They probably do only spend that much on groceries but $250 a week on take-out.

       1. lol yes this feels like a Money Diary. “Here’s how I keep my grocery budget to $100 a week!”

          *OP buys 5 organic carrots and otherwise eats out every meal

    5. Avoiding food waste and reducing meat serving sizes are obvious ones. My biggest regret at the grocery store is always the food I end up wasting because it wasn’t eaten in time. The people I know who are the most frugal with their food budget are also the people who never throw away anything. It’s very basic, but it’s an actual and very useful skill.

       Choosing work and nutrient intensive products helps, if you want value and organic. At my local online grocery shop, I can get 250 grams (8.8 oz) of Barilla chickpea pasta shapes for 4.7 dollars (no, not in the US). And I can get a whole kilo of dried organic chickpeas for the same price per kg if I buy in bulk. Sure, they won’t have a pasta shape when I’ve boiled them, but they’ll have doubled in weight and are a lot higher value and more versatile.

32. Similar to the above post – what would you do in this situation? The coffee shop I go to every day is run by a very sweet AAPI family. Today when I came in, an middle-aged white guy was berating the grandmother who was at the cashier, presumably for getting his order wrong. I cut him off and started my order (trying to be as cheerful/warm as possible to counteract the energy), but didn’t confront him. I wanted to say something to him, but was worried about escalating the situation and having her wind up take the brunt for it. But now I feel like I should have said something to him as to not normalize the behavior since it was so disrespectful. Would you guys have said something? If so, what?

    1. I think we all need bystander intervention training! I don’t have the answers, but I would have liked to have done something, too.

    2. Honestly, these days I’d be sufficiently afraid that someone who is clearly angry and behaving strangely would become physically violent that I wouldn’t say anything to him. I’d just apologize to the cashier, tip extra generously, and get out of there as fast as possible.

    3. I think you did the right thing. You shut the guy up and moved him along with minimal confrontation. If he was out of earshot I might have said something like “jeez what was with THAT guy” to the woman so she knows others thought he was out of line.

       1. +1. Doesn’t bystander intervention training focus on supporting the victim rather than confronting the harasser?

          1. I think it depends.

    4. You did your best to move the situation along while not escalating it, and that’s probably the best you can do. People who berate others in public are not giving off signs of being stable or appropriate and some small fraction of them will escalate to violence and it’s just not worth the risk. It s*cks.

    5. I would have said something to the cashier only but make sure the customer heard it. Unless he said something racist, in which case it is my habit to call it out directly. Two Subway workers were shot in ATL by a customer upset about too much mayonnaise on his sandwich. One died. The other had her kid in the store. It’s scary out there these days and the lack of gun restrictions makes it all the more so.

    6. I think you did fine. Im honestly scared to confront anyone in public. you just don’t know how they will react or if they will escalate.

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