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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
What are your favorite shoes for walking long distances? You know, for like vacations, exercise, political marches…
These Adidas sneakers have 4,000+ reviews (!) at Nordstrom and are $85.
Anonymous
So I’m sobbing and drinking. Tomorrow I’ll volunteer for a local voting rights movement. What are you guys doing tonight?
Anon
Crying at my desk. Feel a heavy grief that I’ve only ever felt with breakups or death. Not even sure what to do.
Anon
I’m tempted to drive to DC and start protesting at supreme court justices houses… but realistically I’ll probably just sit on my couch and cry.
Anonymous
I’m sorry. please take care of yourself.
I feel ok. I feel like i should be upset angry and inconsolable. Or just nervously itching to do something. But I’m not. Maybe I know the pro-lifers want to see us sad and broken and I just refuse? Maybe it’s just knowing that I never failed to vote for the pro choice candidate because I always knew this was possible? Maybe it’s weirdly gratifying to see people I know never vote freaking out on social media? Nope that’s not it…it’s just… I’ve already grieved this. I grieved it several times in the past decade and I was called dramatic and hysterical. I wasn’t. And I suspect maybe some of you felt this way. I hope you feel ok today too.
It’s also this: part of being a sane American today is understanding that a lot of people have lost their political minds and vote for things they don’t really want. They don’t really want their daughters to die of an ectopic pregnancy, but they’ll vote for it. They don’t really want a teenager on a murderous rampage to have easy access to weapons, but they’ll vote for it. They don’t really want to replace democracy with fascism but they’ll vote for it. There is no other way to explain this to people…I’m not even angry anymore. I’m just done.
anon
All of this, especially your second paragraph. I feel numb, kind of like … yeah, what were people actually expecting to happen? This should not be a shock?
Anon
+1 this is where I land. I also have a lot of rage at Susan Collins….I don’t know why her specifically because there are others, but I think she epitomizes a certain vibe that really put the nail on the coffin on this issue.
I started a monthly donation to an abortion fund, and applied to be considered for their board. My two issues have always been abortion and gun control, and I’ve always been active in terms of volunteering and donating, but it seems like now is my time to lean in as far as I can so others can rest.
309
I think the vibe is “I care about reproductive rights but those rights are not as important as my taxes” These people were very keen on the “you’re overreacting” stuff because it allowed them to coast on other womens’ commitment to reproductive freedom and it was really crummy.
Anonymous
+1 on rage at Susan Collins. Plus rage that women don’t support other women at the polls.
Anon
I have a lot of rage against Susan Collins because she’s a lying liar who lies. She KNEW this would happen. I don’t care what she says. And now she has the gall to act aggrieved. Everyone else knew this was going to happen.
Donnyandbuster
Joe manchin also claims to be misled. He was already the worst, though.
AIMS
Let her and Joe Manchin introduce and sponsor legislation to guarantee abortion and agree to get rid of the filibuster at least on this one issue, if they were so misled. Or support court reform. The handwringing is BS. It’s not like she doesn’t have options to act.
Anon
Legislation to guarantee abortion can and will just get repealed next time there’s a Republican majority. See: gun laws. That’s why it’s so important that it is (was) a constitutionally protected right.
Seventh Sister
I feel sort of dead inside, also numb. I’ve been angry and sad so many times, for so long. Maybe I’ve just done the bulk of my grieving already and the only thing I can do is just keep on going.
Anon
Donated to a new abortion clinic opening soon in my state and encouraged others to do the same.
Talked to friends and family about Supreme Court reform and the need to add seats.
McLean Anon
Donating to Democratic pro-choice politicians at both federal and state level – elections matter
Anon
Just in case you’re not, please register to vote (and vote, including in primaries). Even if your district was gerrymandered. It took republicans 50 years to undo our rights. It may take as long to get them back so we have to be strategic and start making changes now.
And if you have ever wanted to run for office, especially in a red area, consider it seriously. In my state, many Republicans go unchallenged. We need to stop letting that happen.
Anon
Where can we donate to really make a difference? I already donate to PP and Yellow hammer.
JAF
I appreciate Anon’s comment about interpersonal and relationship drama that has been missing. I agree, and will share mine. Please be gentle; you are not in the thick of it but I could use others’ views.
DH and I are in our 50s. He has put on weight consistently to the point that now he’s possibly beyond help. I know he’s an emotional eater and it’s not about me, but more and more I feel disrespected and embarrassed.
He cannot even walk around the neighborhood, for context, and has no energy around home management. Our life is mostly great but I’ve also recently thought this is not what I want my life to look like, moving towards retirement.
I have behaved myself for the most part but opportunities have presented themselves so that’s one question. It won’t solve anything I know.
Anyone with experience in this – was there something that changed it for your SO or even you if you were the heavy person? A light bulb moment?
Anon
“I feel disrespected and embarrassed.” This seems dramatic – he’s not gaining weight AT you.
I don’t know that there’s an easy solution here. You can ask him to see a doctor to rule out medical causes and let him know how much, but beyond that I think you kind of have to let it go and decide it’s either a dealbreaker or a price of admission. Fwiw, I think this is a fairly common situation, although usually at an older age. My mid-70s parents are going through it now. Mom is fit and very active (better shape than 40 year old me, tbh). Dad has always been overweight but it hasn’t affected his lifestyle much until recently, but recently he’s had a variety of weight-related complications plus a surgery (unrelated to weight, but being obese made it a lot harder to bounce back) and he no longer wants to travel or do much of anything except sit at home on the couch. I know it’s very frustrating for my mom, who was cautious during Covid and now has a lot of pent-up demand for travel and other active stuff.
Anon
I can understand both those feelings though. He’s not gaining weight at her, but he is making decisions that are harming their life and future. Not being able to walk around the block or help around the house are big deals. And the same way people take pride in their spouses, I can understand the reverse to be true.
Anon
Just curious what his physician says about the weight?
So I unfortunately can picture your situation. My dad is a type 2 diabetic that has poorly managed it. To be honest, he’s so far gone being healthy again. He will most likely die in the next couple of years. I guarantee it’s not what my Mom pictured going into their 60’s would look like.
Alternatively, I’m heavy set currently and watching him has given me motivation not to repeat the same steps.
If he has not seen his physician in a while, maybe that would be a wake-up call?
anonymous
Definitely don’t take those opportunities. They won’t help anything. You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker. Or you stay married and do your own thing during retirement.
Anon
talk to fr about the new semiglutides like wegovy.
I’m not diabetic and dropped 43 pounds since Feb.
be the hand up out of what sounds like depression
Anonymous
Would love to hear more about your experience with wegovy if you want to post separate thread!
anon
I’d like to talk about it, although I’m not the OP. I was prescribed it but after about 6 calls and texts from the pharmacy to make sure I wanted it, and to say it had been ordered, and to say when it’d be in, and there’d be a delay, and was I aware of the cost (over $1400), I just lost all enthusiasm for it and said forget it. I’d already joined the Reddit group!
If I lived near Mexico or Canada, I would have persisted, but here there are shortages and the cost is absurd and my insurance is Puritanical. (Redditors have PRECISE instructions for getting it from Mexican pharmacies, where to park, where to turn, everything.)
If you have good insurance and a willing doctor, I would recommend looking at the subReddit and seeing what you can learn. Oh, and if you are pre-diabetic I think insurance is kinder and the cost may be reasonable. You know–for a drug.
anon
Yes, I would also love to hear more about wegovy. Based on research it looks like the side effects can be pretty awful, so I’d love to hear whether you’ve experienced those and what kind of diet you’re on while taking the injections.
Anon
I’m the op.about wegovy.
I’ve talked about it here before but get the dissolving nauseau meds zofran. dissolving is the key not the pill!! can’t stress that enough.
ok I’ve gained a significant amount of weight from tens of IVF yes that many because they kept telling us to try again. I’m also a caregiver and married and house and ft job in a tough industry with an abusive boss plus a very underactuve thyroid. cortisol was my daily buzz no coffee needed.
previously very overactive thyroid meant I spent most of my life rail thin and I was about 100 pounds over where I felt happy but not too skinny. I’m on thyroid medicine for now underactive, but it took over a decade to get a dr to pay attention.
because obligations around lifting a parent multiple timea a day, I could not do surgery. i learned of wegovy here and booked an appointment in Jan.
I was nevereating that much or on a poor diet but the weight just kept coming. I’m doing well above the normal wegovy weight loss. I average 2 to 2.5 pounds lost per week. I had (before) and still have low appetite. my doctor is amazed by the progress but I’m very motivated. i think others would be after seeing some early wins.
wegovy was tough first month. lots of bloating gas pains and nausea. I wasn’t very physically actuve in months 1 to 3 but more so now.
oddly the higher doses are much easier for me. i do get some breakouts on face and body but they are minimal. shot day of week is some bloating and gas and nausea again but I prepare with otc antigas meds and a zofran. it’s the cost of admission now for losing weight inho.
i feel so much better without that weight and so have a way to go but I’m not mortified by how i look now. i hope those struggling can find success as well.
my insurance covers it and it costs about 100 month. there are no name options cheaper and very similar under semiglutide. one near approval which might be better too.
i hope that helps.
dont give up.
Anon
I’d also look into Contrave.
OP is saying that this is emotional, and maybe it is, but it’s also medical.
anon
Ooof. I have no wise advice, but lots of compassion for the situation you’re in. That is very hard. I assume you’ve already had conversations as a couple about his weight, and what it means practically for his life and yours? I agree with the adage that you can’t force people to change, and I have no idea what rock bottom looks like in a situation like yours. But I also wonder if this is exactly what weight loss surgery is for. Or possibly there are other health issues, IDK.
Senior Attorney
I had weight loss surgery 12 years ago and I am a huge fan. It’s not foolproof (you can eat around it without too much trouble) but it will level the playing field and give him a fighting chance if he wants one.
Anonymous
I think if you’re considering cheating and feel like your marriage is over, you owe it to your husband to be honest. “Steve, I want an active partner in retirement. And you’re at the point where walking around the block is a challenge and you’re not helping around the house. Are you willing to change this.”
Anon
I’m so glad my husband doesn’t feel this way! We are in our 50s. I have gained weight mainly due to an autoimmune disease. It makes me hurt all the time, sometimes more than others (flares) so exercise is really tough, and the medication to treat it also causes weight gain. Regardless, I feel adored by my husband and I’m so grateful he doesn’t feel the way you do, OP.
helloanon
I’m glad you have a supportive spouse, but your situation seems very different from OP.
Anon
+1
Anon
It seems very different from how OP presented the situation, but I guess I don’t know how we know his weight gain is not related to a health issue. (How often is it not, really?)
Anonymous
That was my thought as well. I’ve been up and down in weight and never felt like he saw me as less somehow. That OP is “embarrassed” says he deserves better.
Anon
+1
Annie Q
Not fair. When your partner doesn’t care enough about himself or you to take care of himself, it’s natural to be embarrassed when others see that. I say that with nothing but compassion for people who are overweight, because overeating is never due to being lazy or a glutton, as so many people think. It is always due to a medical condition or to being a carb addict in a culture where lots of bad carbs are being shoved at us every day. But there are solutions, both pharmaceutical and dietary (the ketogenic diet has been a lifesaver for me for over five years now). So OP’s partner needs to care about himself and OP enough to prusue every remedy there is, and if he doesn’t — sure, that could be embarassing.
Anonymous
Not fair – as someone whose spouse fits this description, food can have addictive patterns, like drinking for consolation, so people who think they have something to say will chime in on weight. I have learned several responses, but also have children, now teens, that are scared to grow into that parent’s physique – because it’s that public of an appearance. The embarrassment is real, especially when others think you have some influence, and you know that efforts at influence (including being supportive) don’t result in any shifts. It’s about shifting activities, too, so spouse is the driver, and the rest of us are active with hiking and the outdoors so it’s not too isolating. Swimming/getting in a pool has been a little easier.
Jess
The difference is that women who gain weight still “help” around the house! I’m guessing you do your fair share despite your illness.
Anonymous
I don’t have advice but am sending lots of compassion your way. My ex-husband gained 100 pounds over a few years while we were married. His weight gain was not the reason we divorced, but the fallout from it certainly contributed. As he gained weight, he developed terrible snoring to the point I could not sleep in the same room with earplugs, but he would get angry when I slept on the couch. It took about 3 years for me to convince him to get a sleep study and he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP machine. I tried my best to be sensitive about his weight and just focus on healthy choices for the family. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. We talked about healthy eating, and went to the gym together, but nothing could counteract his overeating. I would pack us both healthy lunches (that we both agreed on) for work, and then he would buy sandwiches, chips, candy bars, and sugary sodas from the convenience store across from his office every day for a second lunch. I would get resentful because the cost added up to our monthly date night babysitting budget, and we didn’t make a lot of money at that time. He was probably depressed, and would spend hours at night after I went to bed chatting on Facebook and eating chips. He refused to go to a doctor or individual counseling. In couples therapy we didn’t talk about his weight because we were addressing other issues. Now we’ve been divorced for 4 years, and he’s a semi-involved dad with 50% custody. His weight, sleep apnea, and leg edema have gotten worse. He won’t take our son to scout campouts or swimming, or really anything outdoors and active, because he isn’t healthy enough to do it, so all of that falls on me. So, I try to set an example for our son by having a reasonably healthy lifestyle at home, doing all the active extracurricular kid activities, and trying to stay positive/not speak badly about his dad. I’m so much happier to not have to watch someone self-sabotage their health every day. But I feel badly for how this impacts my son.
Anonymous
For me a partner who chooses not to be a partner in managing our home wouldn’t work out long-term. Serious illness, depression, grief … those things can always happen, that’s not what I mean. But if somebody opts out with no plan or seemingly no incentive to reconnect to the partnership, then I don’t see a way forward. It doesn’t really matter if it’s weight, or playing golf, or whatever, the disconnect would be the issue.
Anonymous
This would be the issue for me. I want to be with someone who wants to be a partner to the best of their ability – which includes seeking treatment for medical issues and being active and engaged together to the extent of their ability.
Anon
I feel like opting out with no plan or seemingly no incentive to connect is a symptom of depression! This stuff is hard though.
Deedee
What have your conversations with him about this topic been like?
Katrinka
I love the Fasting For Life podcast, and he might find it helpful. It’s two middle aged guys who both lost about 50 lbs basically by doing OMAD.
Anon
Not responding to the personal relationship stuff, but my dad (mid 60’s) had a “minor heart attack” and subsequently quit smoking and lost over 100 pounds over about 2 years. He went from 325 -> 200ish pounds, which is an okay weight for his height (6’2”). It’s literally like a switch flipped in his head – I don’t have a good enough relationship to know if it was fear of not seeing me, or losing his long-wanted retirement with my mom, or what. But the motivation appeared and his weight and smoking status have been steady now for almost 3 years, so it looks like it stuck.
Anon in sf
Someone gaining so much weight they can’t walk around the block honestly would likely be a deal breaker. Obviously a lot going on there and a lot of issues you need to work through.
anon
JAF – I wonder if you have spoken to DH about these matters and your fears and needs. And asked him to what he wants for your marriage. I am going through something similar (with communication issues as well) I got to the point where I was so angry inside that I couldn’t get to a better place with just couples counseling. My own counselor suggested that I might need some space. After a lot of difficult days, I made the decision to move out of the house for a while after discussing with my DH. This is pretty drastic, but it helped me clear my head as to what was about me and what I valued and needed in the relationship. It also helped DH see how serious the issue was and he is taking steps to address his stuff. We are still living in separate (4 months) but working at the relationship and I am working me. I am hopeful that we are on a path to come back together in the next several months, with some new behaviors. It’s not for everyone but I just wanted to share my path.
Anon
I just need to vent and can’t complain to my friends. I broke up with a long-term boyfriend three weeks ago. Along with all the other crappy things about the breakup, I forgot (intentionally put out of my mind) how lonely being single is. I have tickets to two performances this weekend. One I was going to with a friend, who now has covid, and the other I was going to with my now ex-boyfriend. I’ve reached out to all of my friends in town, but can’t find anyone to go with me to either event.
Anon
I am sorry – this is hard! Is there someone you can invite who you wouldn’t normally think of? A neighbor who might enjoy the performance or an acquaintance who you might want to get to know better? If you don’t get to go, I hope you treat yourself to something else – an indulgent dessert, a nice bath or a new book etc. Hang in there!
Anon
I’m long time single and I totally get it. It sucks. I’m sorry.
JAF
One of us will join you!
Anon
If you are in DC, let me know!
Anon
just a reminder
if you need clothes for work or social fire to weight gain or not being able to afford, message me on posh. whatever you need is yours, no questions asked. just add rette to the listing. gss5 on posh.
I’ll be posting more over weekend as well.
Jules
What a kind offer. And you have lovely things!
Anon
Using the Roe decision to sell shoes is really rubbing me the wrong way.
Curious
+1. I get the drift — be topical, nod to the decision — but it was too much for me.
anon2
You wouldn’t have liked it if she hadn’t mentioned it.
Anon
No, that’s not true.
Curious
I appreciated the attempt, yes, but felt like it wasn’t really the right way to do it. Nuanced thoughts are possible.
Anon
I disagree.
The post was always going to be selling something, sneakers or not. That’s the premise. That’s the blog.
“You might want these for protesting” is just a nod to current affairs, which I kind of appreciated in a gallows humor sort of way.
anon
Yup. Can we not?
Alli
Yeah, this made me uncomfortable. No need to mention politics.
Anonymous
But there are no $$$ links
Cat
yeah, these aren’t linked – while K may make a commission nevertheless (if you have an earlier N cookie from here), I don’t find this post distasteful at all.
Anon
Agree to disagree then.
Jules
The weekly update post inlcude a lot of very useful links about how to access Plan B and medication abortions and lists of abortion funds to which you can contribute.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I didn’t read this riding the coattails of today’s decision, but more of a continued recognition of the issue.
Curious
Ah. The new firewall had me blocked out this morning, so I missed that context. Happy done with this job, Pugs! I’m sorry the court spoiled the day.
Anon
Tell me more about the new firewall. I seem to be blacklisted using my home wifi.
Curious
I filed a ticket with Blogvault using the reference number and regained access in hours .
Anon
Thank you! Is there a way to ELI5 that? How did you know to do that? How do I do it?
Curious
For those of you who tailor clothes yourselves, what are the alterations you do most, and how did you learn? I just took in a waistband with amateurish but encouraging results and want to learn more!
Go for it
Preface:
I’m tall, thin, and hipless so….
Pants ~ decrease rear rise to give illusion of curves lol
Ts & dresses ~ adding princess seams to give illusion of curves up top lol
I come from a long line of custom seamstresses and learned by watching, however; for certain things I use YouTube videos
I also have an excellent tailor for things that are beyond my skill level
Curious
Thanks, I will probably try princess seams soon! Sewing the curved line is hard but perhaps easier than the cutting apart needed to add a bust dart.
Anon
So the Princess seam is a straight seam on a curved pinning – you start with the merest pinch, gather more into the pinning as you get to the waist, and then back off as you get to the end. But the seam is just a straight line down once you’ve pinned it. Hope that makes it seem easier.
Curious
Oh cool! Yes
Anonymous
I haven’t done any sewing for years, but used to enjoy it quite a bit.
i always found great tutorials on youtube, you could start there.
as well, sometimes sewing machine retailers offer classes in certain techniques, or know where classes can be found, if that kind of thing interests you.
you could also join a local sewers group either in person (another thing machine retailers can often connect you with) or on social media.
there are also books galore on every sewing technique you can imagine, as well as magazines. there are probably just as many blogs.
Curious
Are there any books you like? I’ve learned from YouTube so far, but I prefer to read to learn. It was hard for me to decipher the Amazon reviews on books for alterations because the reviews are sparse.
Agurk
If you are curvy, check out Ahead of the Curve by Jenny Rushmore.
Curious
Thank you! I’m rather rectangular by appearance but curvy by measurement, so it’s worth a try.
Anonymous
i got all the books i read from the library, so i’m no help there, sorry. you could try checking your local library to see if they carry any books you are thinking of buying. also sometimes bloggers review and recommend books, so that’s an option you could look at too.
Curious
Oh duh. That’s how I learned how to do home improvement. Libraries rock.
Anonymous
For shirts: back darts to flatter my narrow back, sewing together shirts at the full bust to avoid gaping, narrowing balloon sleeves.
Pants: sewing shut diagonal pockets because they gape on my hip shape and shortening legs with invisible stitches.
Dresses: making dresses and jumpsuits into pants.
I’ve learned a lot on youtube, and also picture tutorials. The easiest and most instant tailoring I do, though, is rolling up sleeves to a more flattering height, and French tucks.
Anon
How do you make a dress into pants?
Anon
For those of you who camp, do you bring anything for self-defense in the woods beyond being in a group? We tend to be in a group that is all women but sometimes with men. We’ve had one sketchy encounter with creepy strangers and more recently a younger guy being odd-vaguely threatening while showing a knife to someone else in our group at a bathroom. I’m not armed. Some people have pocket knives or knives for cooking but that is it.
Anonymous
Nope
Anon
This is probably identifying information, but I used to have a kubaton keychain my partner bought me to match his (his and her kubatons?). My partner recently purchased a set of self defense whips (something I had never in my life heard of before). His and her defense whips. I’ve been refusing to carry mine. He really likes weapons that he feels wouldn’t seriously hurt anyone. I feel like a weapon that doesn’t hurt anyone would just escalate a conflict. And I’m in the US where escalating a conflict probably means “getting shot.” But I guess I am a worse person than him, since at least in the moment, I think would want to obliterate anyone who attacked me in the woods, not just dissuade them.
Anonymous
When I hiked on day trips, I always carried bear spray. To use on bears, yes, but also for human bears, if needed.
Anon
Nope, unless a human attacker is an actual trained runner, I can drop my pack and be gone a lot faster than the attacker can catch up. My defense is “get out of Dodge”. Bears aren’t an issue in my normal stomping grounds. Copperheads sunning themselves on trails are the main hazard. While they will ruin your day and have an extremely painful bite, they are almost never fatal to an adult size human. You learn quickly to watch where you’re going and step lightly. I had one stupid-on-my-part encounter with feral pigs about 15 years ago when I foolishly ran between babies on one side of the trail and mama on the other side. Thankfully I was through and gone (running that day, so no pack) before she registered any kind of threat, but it could have turned out badly.
Anon
Feral animals scare me. Though honestly that situation could be scary even with a domestic pig family.
Seventh Sister
No, and I go camping with teenage Girl Scouts. I do tend to wear my Scout t-shirt so we look sort of “official” and encourage the girls to do the same. That seems to make people give us a wide berth, FWIW. At night, we usually do have a fire and fire tools that I suppose I would brandish if someone approached and wouldn’t go away. Adults *have* to be sober for GS events, so that gives you a bit of an advantage on rowdy drunk people.
Anon
I’ve been thinking about the mom who posted that her daughter is about 10 lb overweight but feels she looks great. I was thinking about what an accomplishment that is as a mother! We are bombarded with messages about how we are not good enough in so many ways, so to have a 16 year old that feels like she is not only good enough but actually better than that is huge.
Anon
Looking for thoughts from the hive on whether I should be parenting my kids to be body positive vs body neutral. I think I’ve been doing something in the middle, like I have said all of the following: “you are beautiful”, “you look so cute today”, “you are beautiful inside and out”, “having a strong and healthy body is what matters” and “people come in all different sizes and appearances, and that’s what makes the work interesting and great.” My kids are pretty average looking so I don’t need to be a counterweight to any external comments beyond the normal socialization they get from being out in the world.
anon
This is pretty much where I fall. I emphasize the importance of being strong and healthy, but I also don’t see anything wrong in telling my kids when they look cute (usually because of choices they’ve made about how they dress themselves or styled their hair, etc.). There are so many negative messages about looks and body that they pick up on in their environment; I figure boosting their self-esteem in this area can’t hurt? I certainly wish my parents had been more positive and complimentary about my appearance. They didn’t criticize it, but they didn’t go out of their way to praise it, either (at least from what I remember), and that would’ve gone a long way during the years I felt like an ugly duckling.
Anonymous
Body neutral gets my vote.
I grew up in a family who never talked about weight or diets or commented on bodies. We were active and had fun with clothes and style, and I can see in retrospect that we had very healthy food at home compared to some of my friends. I were skinny (still slim as an adult) and still remember how weird and offensive friends’ families could be, commenting on my body and my weight. I realize they meant it as compliments, but I found it invasive. I still find it invasive when people comment on my body as a way to assess worth, and prefer to be complimented on things I do or choices I’ve made. (Nice dress! is fine, how do you stay so slim? is not)
Anonymous
Similar – we talked about their bodies and our own bodies in terms of what they can do – i bet my arms will get tired from my rowing lessons this summer or DH taking about being happy he ran his fastest 10K or us making positive comments about their balance improving on rollerblades or how their backstroke is getting smoother.
We also use ‘fancy’ when they are dressed up vs beautiful.
Anon
Growing up I remember my mom telling me often that I was so beautiful (random times, not just when I dressed cute) and otherwise never commenting on my body. I have pretty good self confidence so that approach worked for me at least!
Deedee
Same with my mom!
While I don’t want to create and environment where looks are the only thing that matters, I also cannot imagine not complimenting my future children given how much I compliment my partner, family, and friends… And on my part, life would be poor indeed if my partner never looked up and told me I looked beautiful!
Also to OP, despite my mother’s approach of no negative and many positive comments when I was growing up, I still struggled mightily with feelings of ugliness and disordered eating. I have always been thin, white and blonde, with okay not great skin and nice but gorgeous features. My average-to-pretty appearance did not protect me from external messages, and I’m grateful my mom served as a counterweight highlighting how pretty she thought I was and particular features of my face she loved.
Deedee
Nice but NOT gorgeous, lol
CHL
Does anyone have the Lo & Sons Rowledge backpack (it’s on sale, thinking of grabbing it). Do you like it? Recommend large or small?
Sybil
I love mine, though I think it’s way overpriced now. When I bought a couple years ago it was $375 and as far as I can tell nothing justifies the price increase. Also not sure if the second version is smaller or larger than the original, but I could do an overnight (change of clothes, maybe flat shoes) in mine.
Anon
Just got a job offer from another company. They couldn’t reach my requested salary as base, but did add a sign on bonus to get there in the first year — and that in total would represent a 20% raise from my current position. Benefits are ok but not as great as my current job in terms of premiums. I feel like there is so much growth opportunity here but I can’t help but feel sad about leaving my current job. I love my manager, she is amazing and so invested in my growth! But I can’t help but feel as though I’m stalled out and I could probably use this challenge. Not really looking for any advice I guess, just throwing it out there. Happy and sad. Such is life.
Anon
Is it still a raise? I wouldn’t take the job just because of that, what happens next year? On the other hand, new challenges and opportunities for growth are good things!
Anon
Yes, still a raise. And yes, this would be a big growth/stretch opportunity. Those are good things!
anon
Are you sure you want to make this change? This doesn’t necessarily sound like a step up.
Anon
I sound reluctant because I just threw it together — this would be a quick advancement with lots of c-suite visibility and interaction, and a switch from consulting to in-house for me.
Anon
It’s not that they can’t match your current salary, it’s that they won’t. Please remind yourself of that and know your worth going forward.
Anon
Good point. I was told they’re restricted by current salary scale but I should probably take it with a grain of salt.
AnonMom
Have you really stalled out at your current place or is it just a vague feeling? If you have not talked with your current place about growth opportunities, do that first. A good place with good people and decent benefits has a lot going for it and you don’t sound convinced about the potential of the new option.
I once left a job I liked for a better-on-paper version and it was one of the worst decisions of my life. Was so grateful when the first place found a way to bring me back.
Anon
I think I’ve stalled a bit but part of that is me leaning out due to having a very young family. I would definitely not be in the lean-out zone in this new job for a while, and I have a very young baby so that is something I’m thinking about.
Anonymous
A pay cut is not a better opportunity
Anon
You’re right, absolutely. Base and target and sign on bonus would represent a big bump in salary for me in this case, but benefits cut into that gain.
Anonymous
Oh I misunderstood
AnonMom
Sign on bonus is once and done, no? Is it so big that you are okay with the lower salary for year 2+?
Cat
yeah, the sign on bonus helps for year 1 only – it’s for that reason many advise to push for higher base.
Only take this offer if you are happy with it while completely ignoring the one-time bonus, OP.
Anon
I once took a job with a sign-on bonus to reach my desired total compensation for the first year. I basically trusted that similar bonuses would happen every year. That was a mistake. My base salary was never raised the whole time I worked for that firm, nor did I see a bonus like the sign-on bonus for several years. I regretted not holding out for the higher base salary or for a guaranteed minimum year-end bonus.
Anon
Depending on the industry, can you take this job with the total income bump the first year and then start job hunting after the 1 year mark? If it is feasible to use this as a stepping stone it might be a good opportunity.
Anon
Is there a gentle way to ask my SO to stop complaining all the dang time? He’s going through a stressful period, and I’m really trying to be supportive. But it’s been weeks and it feels like I spend all day saying “I’m sorry. That sounds hard” over and over
Anon
It would be a kindness to sit him down and set out how this makes you feel. This behavior is one of the things that killed my marriage. He came through the door every evening ranting about something. It got to where I hated to see him come through the door, and then it got to where I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Unfortunately my exH took any conversation of that sort as an attack on him, but if your DH is otherwise well grounded it would be a good conversation to have. Maybe set a time for and a time limit for venting? Have an “all things positive” day every now and then so that every time he has to swallow his negativity he is aware of it. He may not even realize how negative he is being.
OP
I did it! I framed the complaining as something we were both doing and could work on together. Thanks for the advice! Hopefully things will get easier
Anon in sf
Asheville advice – my youngest has decided to go to college in Asheville.
We live in San Francisco and have been all over the east coast but have never been in the south.
I will be there a week – any advice for things to do or day trips to the neighboring states?
Anon
That’s a beautiful part of the country for anything outdoorsy (hiking in the mountains, touring Biltmore or vineyards if that’s up your alley, or rent an AirBnB or VRBO near a natural hot spring). It’s not always as hot and humid in the mountains as it can be nearby.
Asheville itself is a fun city to explore. Unlike a lot of the south, they mostly eschew chain restaurants in the downtown. I think of coffee, chocolate, the kinds of meat places you expect to find in the south, but also some good veg places, and some foodie places. I really like Table personally.
Anonymous
I know that coming from CA, the southern states look small, but I don’t think there are a lot of easy interstate day trips from Asheville. If you want to go somewhere for a couple of days, you could go to Knoxville, Nashville, or Atlanta. South Carolina doesn’t have much to recommend it until you get to the coast.
Anon
Obviously visit the Biltmore. As a Californian, their wine was legit terrible, like bad bad (my brother got married there and we did a wine tour), but the main mansion and the grounds are lovely. Asheville has a super-fun food and brewery scene, great hiking, and Charlotte is a 4 hour drive away.
Dr. The Original ...
1:27am. Can’t seem to stop feeling all the feelings of today. Not sure if I want to just sleep for years or if I’ll never sleep again. Part of me wants to find a beau in Canada or England to marry and get me citizenship and the he11 out, part of me refuses to go anywhere because I know their goal is to make us all run away or conform to them. The dissent told us what they’ll take next. I’m so sick of being told I am being overdramatic when I called this in 2016. I’m so sick of watching everything be dismantled. I just feel helpless.
I’m really only sharing in case others feel this way and come here in the middle of the night feeling alone. I thought maybe sharing would help people see they aren’t alone if they feel this way too. Or maybe it’s just me?
Meg
Not just you
Go for it
+1
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I’ve been trying to figure out which countries my daughter and her boyfriend can move to and still do their chosen careers. So yeah.
AnonBrit
I will just say, even tho I could move to the UK I have chosen not to. If you follow the politics there right now it is an absolute sh-t show. We keep having the “should we move” convo and it really isn’t any better. Brexit took all the remaining good stuff away. The NHS is breaking down. BoJo is running the country into the ground. If you have anyone in your family who is trans they have enacted laws similar to the restrictions in the red-neck states here, basically criminalizing affirming healthcare. So, of all the places to move to, I’d say the UK is at the bottom of the list. Just my tuppence!
Anon
Hi all, what’s your favorite face serum for anti-aging that you feel actually works? (ideally, something I can buy online via Amz or Targt etc….)
Anon
This is more than you asked for, but at 42, my skin has never looked better using the three products in the Sunday Riley jewel box kit. I went through two kits before I splurged on the big sizes as a trial. I love the stuff. I also religiously use sunscreen and get Botox only in my 11s but the texture of my skin is fantastic right now.
Anonymous
Peach and Lilly Glass skin serum
Anonymous
I know that coming from CA, the southern states look small, but I don’t think there are a lot of easy interstate day trips from Asheville. If you want to go somewhere for a couple of days, you could go to Knoxville, Nashville, or Atlanta. South Carolina doesn’t have much to recommend it until you get to the coast.