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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Max Mara

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Monday! I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm stocking up on Max Mara if I ever win the lottery. This simple, classic dress — “made from sculpting cady and paneled at the front with plissé-chiffon for a touch of texture” — strikes me as the perfect little black dress for work, dinner, and beyond. I love the pleats at the front; they're such an elegant touch. The dress is $845 at Net-a-Porter. Max Mara Little Black Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

332 Comments

  1. The model is 5-11 and the waist of the dress seems to hit her in the right place. I’m 5-4. I feel that if the dress fits this well on the model, the waist will be down around my hips, my widest part, and will be wildly unflattering. And this is the sort of thing that alterations people don’t seem to have a fix for that isn’t to remake the dress (which is price-prohibitive).

    If I win the lottery, I will underwrite Short Boss and Short Max, two of my dream brands (or at least underwrite a thingie that says: length from shoulder to waist = X inches).

    1. Well, in the meantime, I find Boden and Land’s End short waisted, so you might find them flattering on you.

    2. I always have to have dresses taken up at the shoulder. Whether that’s doable depends on the dress.

    3. Do those brands not have petite lines? Isn’t a shorter torso/bodice one of the things petite sized clothing provides?

      1. I have the same issues with my torso. With short legs and a long torso, the onley way I can look 1/2 way decent is to have 4″ heels. As I get older, I find them to be annoying to walk in, and having men on 34th Street stareing at my tuchus in the summer when I walk with my shorter skirts is NOT the way I want to be remembered. These dresses are really for willowy types like Jessica Chastain or Charleze Thereon, not Ellen Barshevsky. I hope men realize that and that they just can NOT find women like that. For a while, I thought that Ariana Grande would someone I could point to, but she has kind of faded a bit. All I need is one man to cherish me for ME, and not look at me like a piece of meat. FOOEY!

    4. It has a waist seam, so it should be easy enough to tailor. Dresses without a seam are a problem, but a competent tailor will not have an issue with this dress.

    5. Please forward the link to ShortMax asap, I need the Pelosi coat in my size (but in chocolate, if possible), stat.

  2. Does anyone have tips or thoughts re how to proactively increase one’s vocabulary? Particularly in a business context? I find that a lot of the “word of the day” offerings focus on archane words that would rarely come up in day to day interactions.

    2. I’m perpetually thankful for my junior high and high school English teachers who made us suffer through the Vocabulary Workshop books. If they’re still available, I’d pick up some starting at whatever level you’re comfortable with. Alternately, I loved Khan Academy when I found myself needing to brush up my math skills. They tend to be really comprehensive and you can jump in at any level.

      1. It’s not so much that you’ll use the words contained therein every day, but more that you’ll familiarize yourself with the roots (often Greek or Latin) and get used to seeing them in context, which makes it easier to acquire and figure out new words as you see them.
        As someone else mentioned, if you’ve gotten out of the reading habit, start back up. It doesn’t have to be highbrow literature/news. Read what you like or what others with similar tastes recommend.

        1. +1. Read. Everything and anything that catches your interest. I’m mostly a fiction/romance reader (the classics make me fall asleep), but I often had my English major college roommate asking me if I knew what a particular word means. I feel like the historical romances probably get more creative and expansive with vocab than the contemporary ones.

      2. Yes, we had a workbook called Vocabulary for achievement in high school. It was the bane of my existence at the time but I frequently use/encounter a lot of the words that were in there and still remember filling out the stupid definitions, which I guess means it was more useful that I thought. I assume those workbooks are still available and as I recall, they came in different levels so you can choose the one that works best for you,

    3. You have to read a lot. If you don’t read now, start. If you do, read more and look up words as you go.

      1. Right. Reading is the only way I know to get a feel for the language and to learn new words. I especially love my magical Kindle that lets me look up new words instantly.

    4. Start with a thesaurus. I look for opportunities to put slightly elevated or more accurate words into practice as I’m writing, where I have time to consider and compose the words before I send them out into the world. I find myself using the new words as I speak later. Say you’re typing an email, if you find yourself repeating a word frequently, google ‘____ synonym’ and look for a replacement. In the last sentence, instead of the word frequently, I could have said ‘using the same words…’ often, habitually, routinely, repeatedly, regularly, etc.

      1. Crosswords, reading, and Scrabble against the computer all increase mine (but reading most of all!)

      2. Crosswords have helped me lately! I’ve always read a lot, and I think that helps as well.

    6. The Atlantic writers have fantastic vocabularies and there’s no paywall to read it online. I’m a big fan.
      When I was studying for the GMAT, I also liked a magoosh app that was vocab flash cards.

    7. I agree that most Word-of-the-Day calendars and such focus on arcane words, but I really like the Merriam-Webster word of the day email. Often it’s a word that has recently been in the news. Look at the home page for options on vocabulary building: https://www.merriam-webster.com/

      1. I put it up on the whiteboard in my cube! People really seem to enjoy it and stop by just to see what the word is.

    8. Read more. Honestly, I think that’s the only answer. You need to read words in context, otherwise you’re stuck doing rote memorization and that’s not a habit that’s going to stick.

      I keep a list on my phone of new words I encounter. I find the best words (whoops, I don’t mean that like our president did) in the New York Review of Books.

  3. It’s that time of year.

    1. How much did you spend on clothes, shoes, etc in 2018?
    2. What’s your income?
    3. Favorite purchase? (Links are great)
    4. Purchase you most regret?

    1. 1- Roughly 5k, mostly during the 2nd half of the year. Mostly on work clothes for a new job
      2- 78k
      3- Eric Bompard x Sezane cachmere sweaters + Winser pencil skirts + Birkenstock shoes
      4- Shoes that didn’t fit. I did a shoe clear out and I still manage to have the odd pair or 2 that I feel should be axed

      1. What was this Eric Bompard x Sezane crossover? I have some Eric Bompard sweaters I bought in France and they are amazing!

    2. 1. $2130 (down $1600 from last year, so I’m happy about that). I’ve been tracking clothing expenses for the last several years and I seem to range from $1500 – $3000 most years.

      2. $160K (total HH income $400K +). I’m a lawyer in the fed gov’t.
      3. JBrand Maria jeans in dark gray ($155), I love the color and wear them all the time. I also bought a beautiful forest green Karl Lagerfeld sheath dress from Off Saks that is super flattering and a color that I don’t have.

      4. Kendra Scott silver earrings ($50). I liked them but lost one earring almost right away, ugh. Also a white beach hat from Nordstrom Rack ($25). I think I might just not be a hat person, every hat looks odd on me.

      1. Here’s the forest green dress that I love. I let out the hem about 1.5 inches.

        https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/karl-lagerfeld-paris-ruffle-sleeve-crepe-dress?ID=3148281&pla_country=US&cm_mmc=Google-PLA-ADC-_-Designer-NA-_-Karl%20Lagerfeld%20Paris-_-191898401717USA&CAWELAID=120156070008489929&CAGPSPN=pla&CAAGID=47685646039&CATCI=aud-364152096919:pla-558611967789&CATARGETID=120156070008388063&CADevice=c&gclid=Cj0KCQiAjszhBRDgARIsAH8KgvcESair-npFZ5LlVfT3Y28x9zyM2W_0s0llJntroKCaYXJO4TcDIpEaAm_8EALw_wcB

      2. You can take the remaining earring into any Kendra Scott store and they will sell a replacement at half price! I save the silicone earring stops that hold the earring onto the card for extra insurance.

    3. 1. Spent a total of $1,385 in 2018, give or take $100 (hard to track refunds when I ordered multiple sizes of something to try on at home).
      2. Income is $60,000
      3. Favorite purchase was a $25 pair of moto leggings from Old Navy. Not exactly high fasion but I’ve worn them at least once a week since September and they’re cooler than my normal plain black fare.
      4. Purchase I most regret is a pair of black suede boots – I paid $60 for boots that were originally $150 but after a few wears, they’ve gotten really loose around the ankles, but now I feel stuck with them. Would rather have gotten the Ugg Leigh boot if I had seen it before making this purchase.

      I was surprised at how high this number was… my estimate before I totaled it all up was $600-800 because I mostly bought from sales and didn’t spend more than $100 at a time. My resolution for 2019 is not necessarily to spend less, but to spend more deliberately. A good couple hundred dollars of my total ended up being clothes I didn’t really need or that I haven’t enjoyed as much as I thought I would.

    4. 1. 1,200
      2. $75,000 (HHI = ~$200k)
      3. Down coat from Land’s End on year end clearance — I LOVE this coat. Nice and toasty.
      4. A pair of pink flats. They don’t fit right and they don’t go with my clothes. I should have returned them.

      1. What coat was this and how tall are you? In the market for a new winter coat, but only 5 ft tall, so length is a challenge.

        Thanks!

        1. I’m 5 ft, 4.5 in and I just got a North Face that I’m sending back for being too short. So maybe their coats would work for you?

        2. The exact one I got is not available this year but it’s very similar to the “long down coat”. I got it in Petite XS. I’m 5’3 and 115 lbs. It comes to about my knees, maybe a bit longer? Definitely not near the ground, but long enough to keep me warm when it’s windy.

        3. Highly recommend the Sun Valley Parka from Eddei Bauer if you live somewhere truly cold and need a really good parka. It is very wind and water resistant and comes in Petites!

    5. I always enjoy this thread!

      1. $2600
      2. $150K (total HH income $400K)
      3. Rothys flats in black and also one in leopard (each $145). Love how you can throw them in the wash to take out the stink. Also an olive Matt and Natt bag ($118) that I always get compliments on.
      4. Michael Kors gray puffer vest ($55). I think I’m not a vest person, I can’t for the life of me figure out what weather to wear this in.

      1. Midwesterner here, and I have very little use for vests. Maybe when it’s 50-60 degrees-ish. If it’s cold enough to need the extra layer, I need a full coat! I hate having cold arms. I have had some luck layering a vest UNDERNEATH a fleece jacket but overall — I’m a no on vests.

        1. I love vests in the Midwest. I hate being hot in stores…I don’t mind being cool walking from my car to the store, mall, etc. to be more comfortable inside. A vest is perfect for that. I also wear them around the house a lot for an extra layer in the winter.

        2. Vests are for hiking or doing stuff outside when it’s cold. When you’re active, a coat is too hot but you need to keep your core warm. I live in a very cold climate and I need a vest.

      2. I like puffer vests for winter hiking/speed walking outdoors. They keep your core warm without inhibiting movement or stride. Other than that very specific purpose, I don’t wear mine.

    6. 1. Not sure — will have to look up when I get home. I’d guess at least $1500, though.
      2. $80K.
      3. A pair of Ecco booties that go with all my fall/winter work outfits. It wasn’t an exciting purchase at the time, but they are workhorses. I’m proud to say that I was pickier about what I purchased in 2018, and overall, I’m really pleased with almost everything I bought.
      4. Boyfriend jeans. I think they fight my body type; they just don’t look right on me.

    7. 1. How much did you spend on clothes, shoes, etc in 2018? Approximately $1500 (seems low — I’ve put on a little weight and I think it’s partly because I don’t want to invest in more substantial pieces when I’m at a weight that I view as transitional, so what I’ve purchased has been more in the vein of Old Navy/Ann Taylor Loft.)
      2. What’s your income? $175K (HHI ~$400K)
      3. Favorite purchase? (Links are great) J Crew Going Out Blazer in black (so versatile!) and the same moto leggings from Old Navy that were mentioned above for casual wear.
      4. Purchase you most regret? I ordered an awesome black leather moto jacket on sale for $200 that I just don’t have much need to wear. Living in Chicago, there’s such a narrow band of weather when it’s warm enough/not too cool to wear a leather jacket, and I feel like I’m playing dress-up if as “end of Grease Sandy” if I wear it to work. Very much a “good for someone else, but not really me”unfortunately.

      1. In Canada, so similar winter conditions to Chicago. I would highly recommend thinking of your leather jacket as a blazer. Great for meetings on more casual days / with a dress (e.g. can sprint between buildings downtown a little more protected than with a blazer). I also use it a ton for going out for dinner or drinks in the winter. I keep it with me at the table for when you are inevitably in a draft whenever the door opens, but you feel so much more “Saturday night” than wearing a blazer but more put together than bringing a cardigan, plus it is short enough to hang on your chair if you are hot.

    8. 1. Did the math – about $1700. Yowza.
      2. $43K (total HHI ~$100K).
      3. Like other posters, my big Lands End coat has been 100% worth it, and I have also really loved my Uniqlo turtleneck. I don’t know why I haven’t been wearing turtlenecks.
      4. I bought a ModCloth dress for a wedding in January and its zipper was an abject failure.

    9. 1. About $500 (got a new job and had to get a few things)
      2. $75K, HHI ~$230K
      3. Nothing stands out, but I do enjoy the thin merino wool sweaters from Uniqlo.
      4. No regrets. I return everything that isn’t perfect or that I don’t really need.

    10. 1. $1,960, which was much higher than last year. (This also includes makeup, haircuts, etc.) I spent about $1k of the total in February/March, when I had some big-ticket items beat the dust and then immediately went to London, home of all my favorite clothing in the entire world.
      2. $50k (HHI ~$95k)
      3. I capital-l loved almost everything I bought. The best was probably my winter coat (linked below), followed up by my $10 Costco ponte pull-up pants. But it’s hard to pick a favorite.
      4. Impulse-buying a new dress for a friend’s wedding. It was like $40 at a thrift store, so NBD in the grand scheme of things; it’s a really cool dress, but I didn’t need it. Other than that, a sweater in that millennial nude color. It’s gorgeous, but doesn’t work super-well with my skin tone. I still wear it pretty frequently, but it’s not the most flexible since I need to either layer it or throw a scarf on top.

      Purchases anticipated for 2019: Rothys (or some other flat), another pair of Allbirds because I beat mine to death, another work dress or two.

    11. 1. Maybe $6-7000 but some of that is kids’ and DH’s clothes
      2. HHI $350K
      3. Jumpsuit on sale at BR for $22!
      4. Meh cardigan from Anthro – exchanged for something else that I liked even less (gift).

    12. 1. Spent just under $8k, mostly on work clothes and shoes. I lost some weight and purchased basically a whole new work wardrobe.
      2. $275k
      3. My favorite purchase was a couple pair of black Madewell jeans. After years of trying to find my perfect jean fit, Madewell seems to be it.
      4. In reviewing my purchases from the past year, the theme for purchases I regret seems to be purchases that were impulse buys while traveling, either for work or for pleasure. When I’m out of my comfort zone, it’s easier to convince myself to buy things that are a bit out of my usual, and then I found I often just didn’t wear them. And of course I wasn’t able to return them.

    13. 1. How much did you spend on clothes, shoes, etc in 2018? Best guess? $3,000 ish This post reminds me I should track spending….
      2. What’s your income? $260,000 (HHI $420,000)
      3. Favorite purchase? (Links are great) The Old Navy Moto leggings already mentioned have been great – also the J Crew Cameron high-rise pant – purchased in tall them hemmed a bit so they are “normal” length. St. John eyelash knit dress that is perfect for fall/spring weather, comfy and professional looking.
      4. Purchase you most regret? Luckily I was able to return my regrets but all my Modcloth casual tops and my Jcrew casual shirts (I’m busty and the cuts this year made me look like a box AND they were too short, even though they weren’t cropped styles). Also my StitchFix subscription.

    14. Funny, my answers to the second two come from the same trip to Anne Taylor! I bought a dress and a blazer in one transaction after getting a $50 off coupon in my email. The blazer is amazing and super versatile and it’s absolutely my go-to. The dress . . . didn’t work out. Grey sheath dress with decorative buttons, stupid thing wrinkled like crazy, I’d iron it but it’d rumple up on the way to work. Then, perhaps due to the ironing, the outer shell shrunk but the lining stayed the same length, so it started hanging out the bottom which looks awful and I’d need to have the dress altered if I wanted to keep wearing it. But I don’t. Oh well, at least I didn’t pay full price on it!

    15. 1. How much did you spend on clothes, shoes, etc in 2018? I spent just over $2,200, which was a lot more than I realized. I did lose some weight this year, but I have no idea what I spent all that money on. One of my goals for this year is to spend less on items, and spend a lot more time thinking about whether I actually need/want something before buying it.
      2. What’s your income? $150k (and it’s just me)
      3. Favorite purchase? Much of that money was spent on new workout clothing. Nothing stands out as a favorite purchase, but I do like fun clothing to work out in.
      4. Purchase you most regret? A pair of flats that I never wear because they hurt my feet

    16. 1. About $8,300. (this does not include husband or children clothing.)
      2. 600K; HHI 700K
      3. two new suits from Hugo Boss. This year I finally started buying really expensive (to me) suits. the two suits cost 3k, but I absolutely love them. I had them slightly tailored, and they fit perfectly and make me feel very powerful and put together. I had previously (8 years ago) bought Ann Taylor suits, but finally had to admit that they are now dated and wearing out. I’ve purchased banana, AT, and other mid-priced suits for 3-4 years and just didn’t like them. I bit the bullet and love these. I intend to buy at least one to two of these suits a year from now on to build my collection. I am at a business casual office, and wear suits only 3-4 times a month, but it’s worth it.
      4. ALL JEANS. I’ve tried Caslon, Paige, Old Navy, Gap. I keep buying jeans based on reviews and recommendations and thinking they will work and ripping the tags off and then hating them. I have zero jeans I love. Any new recommendations? I’m about a size 12 and have large hips and small waist (definitely pear shaped). I’m desperate.

      1. I think Hugo Boss suits are fantastic quality, I wish they worked for me but they don’t. Enjoy!

      2. Joe’s Jeans, Honey cut. I have a very large backside for the smallness of my waist, and they are the only ones I’ve found that don’t gap in the back.

    17. 1. $3,000 (I feel like I should have more items that I LOVE to show for this)
      2. $200K HHI
      3. Best: A Hobbs raincoat on post-Christmas sale from Bloomingdales (rec from Cap Hill Style). It’s a classic tan trench with black trim. Previously I had been wearing a plain black raincoat from London Fog that probably was intended as a cute swing coat on someone thinner but just looked frumpy on me. Other good purchases: Eileen Fisher black stretch crepe stand collar jacket–goes with most of my dresses. Pale green cotton/silk cardigan from J.Crew. Pretty navy button front shirt from JCrew with gray elephants on it (rec from GOACA). Blondo low boots with a buckle detail that I bought for infrequent snow use but have ended up wearing a ton in the rain.
      4. Worst: Kitten heel leopard slingbacks from Ann Taylor — these should be awesome, right? They just don’t feel sturdy enough. A dark green dressy top from Boden that I bought to try to fill a hole (going out top that works with jeans or black skirt) and disregarded that it isn’t very flattering. J. Crew jeans that are hopelessly stretched out within 5 minutes of putting them on.

    18. 1. Not sure, best estimate $5,000. January to March I had some pending orders from my old size (12-14) as part of my building out a grown up wardrobe process. September to December I had to do it all over again at size 8, and may have let it get out of hand and linked to stress shopping.

      2. January to June $180k, June to present $88k.

      3. Best: a tie between a Hugo Boss suit ($500) and an Apple Watch series 3 ($200). The suit is really really comfortable for cold mornings at court, and I wear the watch every day without fail.

      4. Worst: A mejuri necklace $300. I have worn it like 3 times and do treasure the look, but I can’t even get my butt out the door sans delicate necklace clasp and should have stuck to no jewelry.

    19. 1. ~$4,000 (like others have said, I really feel like I should have more stuff I love based on this…)
      2. $120k
      3. Best: Black Sam Edelman ballet flats ($30 from nordstrom rack), Neiman Marcus house brand cashmere sweater that I’m pretty sure I wore at least once a week the entire year ($130 maybe?), two plain Madewell tees ($15/each)
      4. Worst: honest answer is a hideous bridesmaid’s dress I had to buy ($300), but since that doesn’t really count, $200 worth of underthings from aerie that I ordered online and then realized too late that I don’t wear the same size I did when I last shopped there (circa…2010?), a skirt from RealReal that I bought on a whim without looking at the measurements that I couldn’t return ($40), a bunch of knock-off Spanx from target in a moment of self-loathing ($100).

      I’m not surprised that most of my favorite purchases were cheap – those always end up being the things I love the most while the more expensive splurges linger in my closet.

    20. 1. ~$3500
      2. $105k (HHLD: $205k)
      3. Best: APC purse that I’ve been coveting for years, on sale. And all sorts of next level running clothes. Pretty sure I spent more money at REI than I did on work clothing this year.
      4. Worst: I’m sure there’s something, but nothing comes to mind. I think I did a much better job than in years past of buying things that I really wanted, even if they were full price (I’m usually a sales-only kinda lady). I also tried to stay vigilant about returning items that weren’t quite right.

    21. 1. About 2K
      2. 90k, household $180k
      3. Not a purchase but a gift, a Hamilton watch.
      4. Several pairs of cheap, pinchy shoes bought in emergencies. All dumped or donated now. No more!

    22. 1. $6700 – of which a solid $3500 was dedicated to my year of upgrading jewelry – mostly silver and pearls (double-strand graduated necklace, triple-strand bracelet, double-pearl earrings), which I love for both the office or for events. The rest went to my tried-and-true wardrobe staples (navy and black dresses, backup Rothy’s, winter boots, cozy ruanas, burgundy handbags, a Hugo Boss blazer)
      2. What’s your income? $350K
      3. Favorite purchase? (Links are great) A Tiffany sculptural cuff (https://www.tiffany.com/jewelry/items/elsa-peretti-wing-cuff-31914566) that I bought when I made partner this year. And the spare Rothy’s!
      4. Purchase you most regret? A navy sweater dress that irrevocably stretched out on the first washing and went straight to donation.

    23. 1. $3500. This tells me I need to spend way less on clothing. I did replace all my bathing suits this year, so that was around $600.
      2. $120K (HH is $280k)
      3. Most useful purchases were 1) a pair of the AG Farrah jeans from the Nordstrom Anniversary sale (I love that they are not too high-waisted but keep my mom gut in check), 2) two Breton tops from Boden, and 3) black joggers from Athleta. Favorite purchases were faux suede leggings from Old Navy in a cinnamon color (surprisingly versatile), a jungle-print dress from Leota, a cherry-print J Crew skirt picked up from Poshmark, and the star-print Equipment blouse also thrifted on Poshmark.
      4. Most regrettable was this stupid blouse from Loft. It’s too short to be a tunic and too long to be a blouse. It has a crossover in the back, which means I have to wear a tank under it. I am sending it to Goodwill.

  4. Where do you shop for basic jewelry, and what do you think makes a good jewelry wardrobe? I have diamond studs and a pearl necklace, and I was thinking of adding a plain gold chain, plain gold bracelet or bangle, and maybe plain gold studs or huggie hoops. I have a hard time finding bracelets because my wrist is 6″, and most bracelets are 7.5″ and fall off of my hand or slide up closer to my elbow.

    1. Have you looked at antique or estate jewelry for bracelets? I have small wrists too and I’ve had great luck with older pieces.

    2. This is hard. I like Amazon collection for their basic solid gold pieces, they have good variety and price points. My favorite being their crossover hoops (used to be under the brand “Duragold,” item number: B005QPUXV0) which I’ve had for year and years and are amazing (plus, they look very cartier-esque to me). For diamond huggie hoops, Brian Gavin has a really nice pair of simple ones (“Leverback Huggies” for $625) although it’s definitely an ultra-quality piece because of the pricepoint. I’ve successfully gone to ID Jewelry (based in NY diamond district, but they do tons of online ordering) and had them match a Brian Gavin piece for like 25-35% off (still excellent quality diamonds, just not the super-ideal BG sells). The contact there is Yekutiel. I’ve also recently found for solid platinum jewelry (literally, 100% platinum) a company called Mene, and I have a referral code for $50 off if anyone wants, but that has been the most cost-effective route for me for chains. I prefer platinum to white gold for chains because of the durability. But if you want white gold and white gold only, I’d pay close attention to the gram weights and just shop apples to apples at places like Blue Nile, Amazon, etc.

      1. Thanks – I’m very interested in the crossover hoops. Two questions: do you have the two-tone and are yours the satin finish?
        Thanks again. These look like a great option.

        1. I have the white and yellow gold two-tone hoops in the polished finish. They used to offer these in solid yellow gold, white gold and then the two-tone yellow/white and white/rose. Not sure if they’re just out of stock now or they reduced the options.

          1. We have the same taste! I would like what you have instead of polished rose & white gold. I shall keep checking. Thanks again.

        1. Here it is, you get $5 credit to sign up, and if you put something in your cart and wait a day, a $50 credit offer will be activated – Mene.com/invite/qCXUKc

    3. Ok now replying as to what I think makes a great basic jewelry wardrobe:
      – Diamond earring jackets (from ID Jewelry or BG), these add some flair to regular studs and give you the option to change out for gemstone studs.
      – Gemstone studs/moissanite studs (to go in jackets)
      – My gold crossover hoop earrings
      – Some kind of dangle/fun earrings– I have some inexpensive keshi pearl earrings that have held up for years, and I also love a pair of 2″ inside out pave CZ hoops that are perfect and blingy for date night
      – Bracelet – I have a diamonds by the yard bracelet from WhiteFlash and I love it.
      – Watch – I’m not a huge watch person, but I want a David Yurman watch, he has one with a linked-chain like bracelet and I think it looks so pretty
      – Some kind of diamond pendant necklace – I have a cross
      – Pearl pendant and chain (easier to wear than full strand), OR some kind of fun colored pearl strand (pink freshwater, golden SS, Tahitian, etc.)

    4. If it’s truly basic, classic jewelry, I tend to shop at department stores like Nordstrom or Macy’s. I can usually find nice pieces in 24k gold or sterling silver and get a good deal without a jeweler trying to upsell me.
      My jewelry wardrobe is a blend, made up mostly of earrings and necklaces. Bracelets tend to annoy me so I can’t offer any insight there. I have a collection of simple, high-quality items that I wear regularly, which includes: pearl studs, small gold hoops, small silver hoops, a white gold and diamond pendant with matching studs, and a gold pendant.
      I also have a rotating collection of trendier, more fashion jewelry type things. These tend to be impulse buys and aren’t very high quality, but I know I’ll get tired of them or they’ll go out of style quickly, so I don’t care if they break or tarnish easily. Finally, I have a collection of quirkier pieces that I’ve bought while traveling or at craft shows, or are heirlooms with sentimental but no material value. I don’t wear these items often, but I love them so I keep them around anyway.

    5. I love Ippolita for stylish gold jewelry. They have a lot of great designs that you can mix and match. Gemvara and Blue Nile make more basic and, therefore, more afforable gold options too.

    6. I really like Nadri at Nordstrom especially their long necklaces. It looks much more expensive than it is, made in the USA and it’s all held up very well.

      1. Cosign, love Nadri. A lot of my jewelry is either vintage hand-me-downs (can easily be sourced from estate sales), from department stores like Belk or Nordstrom, or (of course…) Costco.

        FWIW, I also have very slim wrists and struggle to find bracelets that fit. I mostly wear watches, since they’re easier to adjust. The only bracelet I wear regularly is a braided gold chain, which was a random gift that somehow magically fit right.

    8. Bracelets? Look for a sterling cuff that you can flex to get on and off. I have a lovely one from Montana Silversmiths but it’s no longer made and honestly, I don’t care for anything they’re showing right now. Maybe check the usual online shopping behemoth for older MS styles.

  5. Can anyone recommend a lower cost, workplace appropriate nylon tote? I checked one out while shopping this weekend and was amazed at how light it was. My leather workbag is starting to feel very heavy, especially lugging a laptop back and forth every day. I know the Tumi Voyageur is recommended here, but it seems pretty expensive.

    1. Target has some great ones (I use them for travel). They don’t last forever, but for the price, you can replace them whenever you want.

    2. Lo and Sons has held up for me for 4.5 years, is light, and is less expensive than a Tumi. I have the Brookline.

      2. I have a 5 year old OG that I abuse daily and you wouldn’t know it wasn’t brand new.

    3. Maybe a Longchamp? I don’t have one, but I think may styles are less than a Tumi. But they’re not cheap.

    4. I have the Knomo Grosvenor tote and it is magic. It’s basically the perfect work bag and has a luggage sleeve on the back so it’s good for travel as well.

    5. I have and love my Tumi Voyageur bag. I got mine on sale because it’s an older model, but love it anyway. If you look at Nordstrom Rack and ebags, you will see that older models/colors go on sale. Another bag that I have that’s leather, but lightweight, is the Fossil Sydney shopper.

  6. My BFF is having a C-section this week (and I’m so excited!). What can I do for her?

    1. Immediately, does she have a lot of local help (husband / partner / family)? She may be overwhelmed at first and will be off of driving for at least 2 weeks. But it’s a marathon, not a sprint! She may need more help and/or just companionship needs.

      I frequently offer just to come over for a couple of hours in the afternoon and watch the baby (often napping) so my cousins can just get out of the house alone or to go out on a walk with the stroller so they have someone to talk to. It’s a marathon, not a sprint :) After the initial hubbub dies down, you may be more appreciated / less of a nuisance :)

    2. Offer to come over & keep an eye on the baby while she sleeps or for her to go on a walk! If she’s like me, she probably won’t take you up on the offer, but it’s still nice (& appreciated!) to be thought of.
      Also- when you go over, tell her, “let me wash my hands before I touch anything.” Trust me, it will be appreciated.

    4. Laundry. All the laundry. At least wash, dry, fold, and sort. (they can put away).
      Do. Laundry. You will be loved and appreciated.

      1. My cousin was my laundry fairy when my oldest was born. She would come over every Tuesday and leave perfectly folded laundry on the couch (plus a pot of soup on the stove!) Some weeks, that was our only hot meal.

    5. I really liked all the food that people brought over. I was so exhausted after birth it was hard for me to get the energy to cook. Also, grocery shopping with a newborn is hard because 1) you’re exhausted and 2) you can’t use a cart and a stroller (and car seats take up most of a cart, if you go that route).

    6. If she has a pet, offer to take care of pet while she’s in the hospital and then take over one of the pet’s feeds and/or walks. I’m sure our dog went without dinner or was double fed more than once when we had a baby since we were too exhausted to keep track of time.

  7. Does anyone have any vacation/travel plans yet for this year? I’d love to hear what everyone’s looking forward to!

    1. Not yet, but tonight’s task is to start planning a trip to Italy for late Spring:-) We’re still trying to decide where in Italy. We’re definitely doing Rome, but need to decide on a second city (and maybe a third, but 3 in what will probably be 7 or 8 full days in the country seems kind of insane). Suggestions?

      1. Fly into Rome, 3 -4 days in Rome, 1-2 days in Tuscany country side (e.g. San Gimigano or Volterra), 1-2 days Florence – fly out of Florence.

      3. +1 for Florence. My favorite city in a trip that included Venice, Florence, Orvietto and Rome. You can travel by train too which was nice.

      6. Do 2 cities – Rome and Florence. But, for a little break from cities/museums, I’d do Days 1-4 in Rome, Day 5 do the slow train from Rome to Florence, leave early-to-mid morning, and stop at a hill town (Orvieto, Montepulciano, or the like) in between for lunch and just to wander for a couple hours (you should be able to store for your bags at the train station), then proceed to Florence in the late afternoon to check into your hotel. I lived in Rome for 2 months and have been to Florence 3x, saw an overwhelming amount of incredible things, and there are still so many sites and museums I can’t believe I missed. Here’s a link with some ideas for you on that gap day: https://www.marthasitaly.com/articles/34/rome-to-florence-travel

    2. I’m off to Berlin over Easter with my husband and toddler, per a rec at the mom’s site. It’s our first non-visiting family holiday and I’m so excited. Maybe Portugal in August – my parents have a harebrained scheme to retire to Portugal so we’re going to do a reccy. We’re also going to go to see my parents in California for Christmas and I’m already excited – my cousins all have kids similarly aged to my son and I’m so excited to introduce them all.

      1. My sister went to Berlin over Easter a few years ago and found that lots of things were closed for the whole Easter weekend, and maybe even that following Monday. So I’d check and make sure that what you want to see will be open.

        1. Thanks! We are there Thursday early through Tuesday pm so have a bit of slack in the schedule. Also little kiddo is happy to go to a new, different park.

    3. Have a ski trip planned around Valentine’s, and my husband’s family does a big tropical Christmas vacation every other year – just heard that the plan for 2019 is the Bahamas…

    4. Planning a friend-trip to Costa Rica in April! Any recs are appreciated, we’re headed to Liberia/Pacific side, planning on staying on the beach for a few days, then headed to Monteverde.
      Decided on a week long trip in Sept/October with my husband, probably thinking Europe somewhere. Toyed with the idea of Oktoberfest, but nothing set in stone. Probably will depend on good flight deals, and whatever catches our eyes because I like going to places that aren’t the typical tourist spots.

      1. Do not go to Tamarindo. We like the idea of being able to walk into a town and not being stuck in a resort but the town was gross and a resort would have been way better.

        1. This is perfect thank you! We were debating between Playas del coco & Tamarindo, so I’ll use this as a deciding factor.

        2. We loved staying in Tamarindo. Our hotel was a resort of sorts, I guess. We had a bungalow; there were also connected hotel rooms. It had a nice dining area and swimming pool. The hotel staff had a recreation desk so we arranged for a zip line tour and other tour that picked us up. For surfing lessons, we just walked down to the beach. It was an easy walk to town from the hotel and I did not find it “gross.” We had a few dinners in town.

        3. This was not my experience at all. I honeymooned in Tamarindo at a bed and breakfast at the beach and it was beautiful and amazing. We went on a boating trip arranged by the hotel, woke up early and watched the sunrise while sipping coffee on the beach, and had a wonderful time.

      2. We REALLY enjoyed our stay at Los Pinos in Monteverde – worth the price difference for a superior cabin. The cabin was beautiful and comfortable and the location and grounds are really nice.

        1. We booked an airbnb – a tree house(!!) because we have so many people. Anything to do there that is not miss, or overrated?

          1. We ate several meals at Stella’s in Monteverde – everything was wonderful, including the breakfast and the baked goods, especially carrot cake. On our last night, we ate at Sabor Tico (the one in the shopping center between Monteverde and Santa Elena) and regretted that we hadn’t been there sooner, really delicious Costa Rican food and so cheap! In terms of things to do, all we really did was the cloud forest preserve, and also the Valle Escondido preserve. Nothing bad to say about either but generally we really underestimated how wet everything would be, all the time, and really should have had waterproof shoes every time we went outside.

          2. I had Sabor Tico on our list to do, good to note about the weather! Did you rent a car or hire drivers? We’re thinking of paying for shuttles, but that’s me being selfish because I can see the responsibility of finding directions landing on me.

          3. Rented a car – my husband drove (he can drive a manual and I can’t…) and I navigated. Honestly I thought it was all pretty easy except for the bits right around San Jose airport, which weren’t that hard but you just have to be glued to Waze because there aren’t really signs so you have to know where the turn/exit ramp is going to be. We drove SJO to Monteverde to the Papagayo Peninsula, drove around there quite a bit, and then back to SJO; the only rough roads were the last bit before Monteverde, which might be paved by now, and then the first bit leaving Monteverde heading toward the beach. I really liked having a car because we could do whatever we wanted, whenever, and around Liberia the roads are just as good as at home so it was nice to be able to leave our resort and do whatever we wanted on our own schedule.

          4. Just a tip, when renting a car a la ALX Emily – if you book in advance and request an automatic, you can normally get one (sometimes they have to make sure they have one on hand for you)

      3. One of my favorite bloggers, Lag Liv, just did a trip to Costa Rica and she wrote about each day. You might check it out.

    5. Nothing booked yet but my spouse and I have gotten serious about actually taking a trip to Hawaii with my parents in September! We’re east coast based and it’s been a bucket list item of my mom’s for years.

      While I’m posting, I’d love some advice. We’re in the very early stages. Thoughts on islands? My mom wants Big Island, my husband and I are thinking Maui and any must sees on either? I’d like a mix of activities – snorkeling, hiking, and some relaxation time on the beach. Not too fussed about shopping or food. AirBNB/VRBO vs. hotel? I honestly always prefer staying at hotels but since we’re going for 10 days I am swayed by the idea of a kitchen or kitchenette.

      1. Kauai. Absolutely Kauai. Weather in the Big Island isn’t as good as the others, haven’t been to Maui but Kauai is just gorgeous and there’s plenty to see and do and snorkeling and hiking there is great!

      2. Kauai is amazing. Check out the website hawaiirevealed dot com for lots of recommendations.

      4. I’m with you planning a trip for the summer to Hawaii and stuck on which Island. Huge family group but lots of toddlers so need lots of relaxing run around the beach time. Some adults want to go to Peal harbor so I was thinking Oahu. Or would it be worth staying on another island and taking a day trip to Pearl Harbor

      5. Either Kauai or Big Island I think. My favorite is Big Island, but only by a little. Surprised to hear someone say Big Island doesn’t have as good weather as Kauai – the west side is one of the driest, sunniest, warmest parts of Hawaii. Recommend staying in Waikaloa. Must sees – stargazing at Mauna Kea (you can drive yourself, no need for a tour – can watch sunset above clouds and then look through telescopes for free), snorkeling near the Captain Hook monument (I think we did this from a boat tour). Dinner at Canoe House. For groceries, we got them in Kona (Safeway?).

        For Kauai, you’ll likely stay in Poipu or Princeville. Poipu is sunnier, but Princeville is a bit nicer, and Poipu isn’t too far a drive away. Captain Andy’s catamaran tour is one of my favorite things I have done (gone multiple times) in Hawaii. Snorkeling in Poipu. Helicopter tour – we did the Jurassic park one once, and open door another time – so many waterfalls. We never found a restaurant we loved there, but the St Regis is nice for cocktails. For groceries, there is a Safeway in Kapaa.

        Definitely a condo for 10 days. Love having a kitchen/more space/independence! Have fun!!!

    6. We are going on vacation to Argentina in February (a few days in BA, a few days in Mendoza and wine country) and I’d love recommendations if any of you have been there.

      I’m in a sales-related role and hustling hard to make the “winner’s circle” trip to Hawaii in May. Although it’s not a typical vacation (coworkers in their swimsuits!) it would be both a personal achievement and a chance to go to Hawaii!

        1. If you do this (or any ferry to Uruguay), make very, very sure that you get an Argentina entry stamp on your way back into the country. This usually happens on the Uruguay side before you board the ferry, and it is not always obvious. When I was in Colonia, it was literally a desk which a bunch of people were bypassing, and we didn’t get an entry stamp. This was extremely problematic when we tried to board our flight out of BA – I think we almost get held. But anyway…aside from that, Uruguay is very beautiful and well worth a visit!

      2. I’m kind of late in the day so hoping you see this, but my husband and I used Trout & Wine Tours for several tours in Mendoza and had a fabulous experience. The best one we did was a cookery class at a winery – it ended up being the two of us, our tour guide and a chef from the winery restaurant so it was basically private lessons for roughly $200/person including all the wine we could drink and safe transportation. We spent the entire morning there – some cooking, some touring, lots of wine, and finished it out with a lovely lunch. We adore Mendoza – I think we would buy vacation property there if it wasn’t so hard to get to.

      3. We just got back from Argentina! In BA, we did a bike tour with Biker Street, which was fun, and an empanada class with Tierra Negra. Skip the Evita museum. BA was really hot!

    7. Oooh, fun! A week in the Dominican Republic in February for wedding anniversary and hoping for our big trip to be to Japan in the spring, but various other life events are making it a bit difficult to coordinate so that might not be until September. I am in Europe so a couple of citybreaks may be on the cards.

        1. Traverse City, Michigan. It’s not the best wine in the world but it’s only a few hours from me and super fun.

          1. It sounds like you’ve been there before, but for everyone else, Traverse City is delightful!

    9. I’m very excited because I’m going on a road trip to several national parks in late summer: Yellowstone, Grand Tetons, and Badlands. Can’t wait!!

      1. Enjoy! Yellowstone is one of the coolest places I’ve ever seen, and Badlands is nearing the top of my bucket list :)

        Big travel for 2019: honeymoon in Scotland! And I just got approved for a work trip back to Europe in the fall, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to add a few personal days on the back end of that.

        1. Learn from my mistake: make sure you do NOT schedule a trip to the Badlands/Rushmore during Sturgis Rally. (2019 is August 2-11, I believe.) I knew nothing about bike culture other than Daytona Week, so it was a very unpleasant surprise to find everyplace booked solid, prices for everything tripled, and deafening/smelly motorcycles everywhere.

          1. What a great tip. This is actually right before my trip (Aug 11-24). Will everything still be insane the week after? Apparently the rally ends on Aug 12!

          2. @Curly you may want to call ahead to check pricing, but I think the place clears out pretty quickly. One or two buffer days should suffice.

      2. We went to Yellowstone and Grand Teton last summer. Loved it (again). I highly recommend an early morning wildlife tour, not that you asked for recs. :)

        1. I’m very happy to get recommendations! Thank you :) And very glad to hear that everyone has enjoyed going there.

    10. So far, a beach vacation in February, a girls trip wine tasting in May, and some family weddings in the summer. I’m hoping to get another mini-trip in later in the year – maybe the fall.

    11. -Family trip to France in the fall or winter. Exact timing and length TBD. (Suggestions welcome!)
      -Lots of long weekend/shorter trips to see friends (prioritizing friendships is a 2019 resolution for me after having a very rough 2017 and spending most of 2018 leaning on my friends for support): LA, wherever my best friend since college gets placed for medical residency, Boston are top of the list.

    12. Going to the King Arthur Flour headquarters in Vermont with my BFF and taking baking classes!

      1. STOP IT!!!!! I’m so so jealous. When are you doing this, and will you please report back?

      2. I didn’t realize they offered baking classes! Now I’m dreaming of a classic Vermont fall getaway with beautiful foliage and the smell of freshly baked bread…

        1. OMG. My BFF lives 10 minutes away from King Arthur Flour and our friend group did what will hopefully be the first annual Fall Foliage Extra Basic B*tch trip in October. The 2019 iteration MUST INCLUDE BAKING.

          For lsw, make sure you check out the Norwich farmer’s market! That was a highlight and if I’m remembering correctly, it’s on the same road as King Arthur.

          1. Hopefully it’s not too late, I’m the most extra basic betch and would really love a breakdown of the things you did on this trip!
            My girlfriends and I (in the Midwest) take a fall trip together every year, sometimes it’s a cruise or beach thing, sometimes it’s Napa or Sonoma, but we’re looking for 2019 ideas!!

          3. It was THE BEST girl’s trip! We stayed in an AirBnB in one of the cute towns within a 20-minute radius of Hanover (on the Vermont side, obviously)–I would just look for a cute AirBnB in a walkable village, they seem to be a dime a dozen (in the best way possible). Day 1, we went to the Norwich farmer’s market to get breakfast, pick up food for lunch, and taste maple syrups; then we did a very light, relaxed hike at Quechee Gorge + picnic, which kind of bled into the afternoon; went back to town to stroll around, do some light window shopping/check out a local museum, and do a beer tasting at a bottle shop. Did apps + drinks in the AirBnB, then out for a nicer dinner. Day 2 we slept in, had giant brunch, strolled some more, went to a brewery, and reluctantly straggled back to the airport.

      3. I never knew this was a think one could do, and now I am absolutely determined to go there! (Vermont has been on my list for a while anyway.)

      4. King Arthur Flour is fantastic! Also, for people with small children – it’s very near the wonderful Montshire Museum of Science. One parent can go to KAF for the baking class while the other takes kids to the Montshire and keeps them entertained for *hours*. (We did a short getaway this past fall in NH/ VT while I was on maternity leave, and while I didn’t take a class, I did spend too much money on baking supplies and then we all ate too much at the KAF cafe and burned it all off at the Montshire – my 3yo did not want to leave.)

      5. I didn’t realize it either! This was all her. I am SO PSYCHED and I will definitely report back. We don’t have a firm date yet, but probably spring. Because I’m ridiculous, I’ve already started baking more so I feel like I’m “better” for our class.

    13. Cruise to Northern Europe this spring. We’ve been planning for awhile, so it’s exciting to have it be actually happening.

        1. There are multiple tour companies that visit it. Heard good things about g adventures, so looking at them. I mostly just need to plunk down the $ for the tour, then will use miles for the flight.

    15. 1.5 week in Italy with DH for a milestone anniversary – likely Rome, Florence and something pastoral (thanks for the advice up thread!)
      1 week in a lake house on Lake Michigan in August with kids + grandparents
      TBD shorter trips to visit family in adjacent states, possibly 1-2 nights at an indoor waterpark for the kids (ugh).

      For 2020, thinking of doing a Disney trip with kids in Q1.

      1. I was in Italy this fall for 10 days with DH. First part of the trip was Rome and Florence. From there, we went to Montecatini (about an hour drive from Florence), which was very relaxing, with lots of wineries, farm lands, hiking, nature. We had a blast in Rome and Florence with all the tours, museums, and sights, but it was great to slow down and spend the last 3 days of the trip relaxing and out of the cities. I recommend planning the pastoral part of your vacation as your last leg of the trip if you hadn’t already planned to do so.

      1. Re: Colombia, me too! What’s your itinerary? We are currently narrowing down lodging and activities in Medellin.

    17. Last year was a big trip (Paris/Loire/Burgundy) without The Kid, so this year is multiple short trips, some with The Kid.

      So far we have San Diego (Legoland)/LA for part of spring break, ladies’ weekend at the local lake in April, Memorial Day in Chicago (used to do this every year and The Kid is now old enough for it to be fun again), New York for adults’ theater and food weekend in early June, annual adult trip to Vegas in August (The Kid goes to Camp Grandma at the same time, so its a win-win-win!), and The Hubs’ guys’ weekend in Colorado in the fall. Yet to be planned: potential additional ladies’ weekend with law school BFFs (potentially at the Kohler Waters Spa in Wisconsin), DH’s road trip with his besties, and a summer weekend with The Kid at the local lake.

      And for 2020: If I get my way, either southwestern France/Bordeaux and San Sebastian, Spain or Iceland/Denmark. The Hubs wants to do the Rhone Valley and go back to Burgundy, but I am trying to put the kibosh on that because I want to go somewhere we have not been yet. Visiting Disney in Florida also is an option, as is London (we have friends who just moved there). Fun to plan!

    18. Going to Antarctica for two weeks and then Patagonia for a week in March. I’m so excited!!!

    19. We are sticking close to home for the first half of the year because I chair a weekly meeting of our service club. We’re tentatively planning an easy cycling trip from Innsbruck to Verona in July, with probably some time in Munich on the front end and Venice on the back end. Beyond that, who knows?

    20. I am an expat, so I plan to make a few more trips in my curent country of residence (relax in lake area, then visit some Medieval cities and villages, hike in mountains). I managed to travel extensively last year to get a better feel of this country and there are few locations I “saved” for this year.
      Apart from these short trips, I plan to go on two longer holidays: Japan (food! culture! cosmetics!), Canada’s national parks, Mexico (this would be my third visit there, I would go to places I missed last time). I will do the final choice based on company calendar.

    21. The location isn’t exciting (Cozumel, Progresso), but the participants are. Me, my daughter, my two cousins, their daughters, and our moms are going taking a “mommy-daughter” cruise in July. This has been a long time coming, and I am ecstatic.

      1. I’ve done this cruise before and would recommend doing an excursion in Progreso and not spending time in the town. We, for some reason, were told that this was a good place to go to the beach… the beach is adjacent to the cruise ship and is basically just a strip of bars. I think you can do some really cool excursions from Progreso though, which is what we would have done if we weren’t grad students.

    22. No, I will skim this thread and live vicariously through you all because I’m an associate attorney under 5 years and it’s never a good time to get away.

  8. Ok, how do you handle things like this in your marriage. DH and I have been married 10 years. We always work through disagreements, and while I think i tend to give in more, he maintains I have a bias and he’s probably right. We generally agree on things after debating, or one person comes around. This time, we just don’t agree. Do we flip a coin?

    ….
    We are doing a home reno project. It is $$$. So far, we are $5k over budget, $4k of which is change orders as a result of things DH wanted that will only really benefit him (part of this is a garage and he is using it as project space, so he’s adding some things to make it better project space). I agreed to the first 2 changes, because heck, we may as well do this right. And it was “only” $2k each time.

    Now he wants something else that I really feel strongly we do not need, don’t want to pay $1500 for, and is far less important than he thinks it is (it’s a structural sort of thing- the type of insulation for an ingested space- not like, a bench or windows). Our contractor agrees with me that this isn’t needed but of course he’s happy to take our money. Whether you folks agree with me or not isn’t particularly relevant here, but we are at a deadlock.

    Flipping a coin seems unfair to me as I’ve already agreed to/“given in” on two other things. FWIW the last $1k was a tree we had to take down that we’d previously been told could stay- so not really “for” anyone.

    Yes, we technically have this money but we are only 1/3 through and have already crept our scope. It’s not the sort of thing you can go back and add later as it’s behind the walls/floor.

    Agreeing to disagree isn’t an option. Either I get my way and we don’t do it, or he gets his way and we write a check.

    1. Do it. It’s a good idea and a small amount of money. Tell him this is his last extra.

      1. You have no idea what you are talking about. If I believed it were a good idea, I’d have agreed to it.

        If our architect thought it was a good idea, she’d have drawn it that way. If our contractor thought it was a good idea, he’d be agreeing with my husband. I understand the pros and cons; I think the cons outweigh the pros. He does not.

        The specifics of this really don’t matter.

        Let’s pretend it’s something else: our house is red. I like red. He wants to paint it blue. I don’t want to paint it blue, and painting it blue costs money. Leaving it red does not, because the house was just painted red. We can only paint it now because the painters that do blue painting are moving out of town forever next week. How do we resolve this disagreement?

        2. If it were me and we had the money I would paint it blue (to go with your example.) If that would make my husband happy and would not otherwise affect me (if I was allergic to blue or something that would be a different story or if we could not afford it) then I would do it. This would not be the hill I want to die on. However, I think we would need to sit down and seriously discuss the overall budget again.

    2. I’m hearing a lot of “unfair,” “I had to give in” “My way / his way” in this post. Which sounds like some resentment could be building. I’d pull back from THIS decision and have a talk about how you guys are going to make these decisions in general. Because more of this will happen in the remaining 2/3 of the project. In other words, set the decision aside for a bit and make a plan for how you will make the decisions.

      Are you going to make pro / con lists? Use a friend as a tie-breaker? Take turns on who gets “their way”? Each person gets 10K to spend on their extras, and when it’s gone, it’s gone?

    3. This is hard. I’d come at it from this angle– “We didn’t agree to doing X and Y originally, and it’s had us go over budget. The contractor agrees Z isn’t necessary. Why do you want Z?” And then listen. And then say, “I’m concerned there’s a pattern of us doing these last-minute upgrades that are eating into our budget. We’re only 1/3 of the way through the project. Let’s decide what our new budget is (because clearly, old one is not realistic anymore).” Then decide how much each person will get to decide to spend. If you’ve already conceded $4k, you get $4k automatically. Maybe you both get $2k or $3k to decide on. So then ball’s in his court if he wants to choose this upgrade. Then HANDSHAKE on that you will NOT go over the new budget. At the end of the project, let’s say this was the last addition to the budget. You should decide how to spend the $4k you saved. Do you earmark for a new vacation? Save part of your next bonus? Etc. and if he protests, you remind him, “We spent $4k on what you wanted, now with this $, we’re using it on what I want.”

      1. This, but also directly say, “I do not want this. I do not want this because of these reasons. Let’s discuss this so that we can make a better decision making process, together.”
        Good luck.

      2. How frustrating! I agree with Veronica Mars that the real issue is the change in scope. You two originally sat down and decided what to do and what not to do, considering all options at once. The problem with changing scope is that tradeoffs are not considered. Perhaps your husband would have asked for the insulation instead of one of the previous two changes if he’d been faced with a total, fixed budget. Maybe its time to revisit the scope, but it should be done in one shot, not little by little.

    4. If he is going to spend a lot of time in the space, better insulation is generally always worth it as it keeps the space more temperate in both hot and cold weather. I was hesitant to upgrade to spray foam insulation when we did our basement and now I am just so glad that we did it.

      1. It’s not that scenario. I don’t even really want to get into the facts- because there are totally benefits to doing it, and it *may* in the long run be cheaper but it well may not. (FWIW we are spray foaming everything there is to insulate!).

        The fact is, I say no and he says yes and we aren’t budging. “No action” is me getting my way so in a draw, does simply *not* doing the thing default?

        We aren’t in a bad place relationship-wise over this, just at an impasse.

    5. You say the contractor agrees that it’s not necessary, but has he told your husband that? Or is it something not strictly necessary but would be very helpful for some other reason? I find that in disagreements like this, it’s helpful to bring in a more knowledgeable third party (if there is one). If there’s no good reason to have it then yeah, I don’t think you “give in” on this one when he’s already gotten two things and you’re overbudget.

      1. This is how I handle things with my husband. We both think we’re the smartest person ever, and like each other because the other person is smart and can argue, but we’re both stubborn about it, too. Appealing to authority helps a LOT.

    6. Is the point of the insulation to make it a more comfortable workspace, or to protect whatever he’s working on (I’m thinking like, preventing wood from warping with temperature changes)? If so, I think this “new” expense is an extension of the things you’ve already agreed to, not really a wholly separate project. If you agreed to make this space usable as a workspace, then I think you agreed to renovations necessary to make it a reasonably comfortable/functional workspace.

      1. No, it isn’t space he will spend time in. But the specifics of who is “right” don’t matter here as the fact remains that we do not agree, which is what I was asking about.

        1. Well I wasn’t trying to address who is right so much as why you two seem to be digging your heels in. One possible point of disagreement might be whether this is a natural consequence of something you already agreed to. Like, if you agree to new light fixtures and later you find out they require special expensive light bulbs, I can understand being annoyed about that, but at the same time, what’s done is done and it’s part of the cost of the light fixture.

          In any event, I think you should each better articulate your positions. It seems like this is an emotional issue for you but you’re trying to argue logic. I think you should explain that you’re distressed about the budget excesses. Stop trying to weigh DH’s Reasons vs. Budget, when it’s really Reasons vs. Budget + distress about the budget.

    7. We finished a large reno last year. My philosophy is if we have the $, it’s something we will want to do later, and it’s easier to do it now while we have a contractor available/and while the walls are open- we did it.
      FWIW- adding extra plugs/electrical where we thought we might need it & extra insulation was part of this (although this was in our house). Now that we are in the middle of winter on the east coast, I thank god (as an atheist!) everyday that we ‘splurged’ on adding the extra insulation.
      There are other discreet large projects I am waiting to start/work more on until we decide how long we want to live in this house and have saved up more money- and my husband is on board with that.
      I would talk over w/ your contractor how many more ‘surprises’ there might be so that you guys can priortize items. The insulation upgrade wasn’t something they brought up, but 5k in extra costs at the beginning of the project seems like poor planning and explaining on both sides parts. FWIW, in another group I’m in someone asked how over budget people go on renos & the consensus was 20-30%, mostly with upgrades, some surprises.

      1. This. Always budget about 30% more for any home renovation project. If you get lucky and are the exception to the rule, you have extra money at the end (but I don’t know anyone for whom this has been true). I also don’t believe in fighting every single battle like you are. Man, I’d go out of my mine if I had to justify tiny cost increases in a big project. Better for you to understand what you got into, make peace with the expense and call it a day. Couples counseling to repair the damage will cost a lot more than your change orders.

    8. When it comes to a home renovation, don’t keep score on who got “their” way. You’re a team, it’s joint money, and your home is a place you both have to live happily and a joint investment. If you agreed that it made sense do X and Y, then X and Y don’t count against your husband when it comes to Z. Judge Z on its own merits in the context of your overall budget and other possible trade-offs in the entire renovation. Don’t hold your own agreement with a decision against your husband–he doesn’t “win,” and you don’t “lose” when you agree to something he wants or thinks is a good idea. Flipping a coin sounds like a dumb way to decide how to spend $1500, but it’s not inherently unfair because you’ve “given in” on other decisions. (But really, if you’d really be OK with the decision to spend $1500 on something you’re not convinced you need just because you lost a coin flip, just do the project.)

      For what it’s worth, it sounds like your concern about scope creep is legitimate. It makes sense to have a serious conversation with your husband, and contractor to some extent, about (1) the actual, new scope of the project and any other changes or upgrades your contractor might foresee, (2) the decision-making process when it comes to potential upgrades during the renovation, and (3) the actual merits of Z.

    9. OP – your comments and responses to people seem to me to be so clear that this is a hard “no” for you, I don’t know why you don’t just tell your husband that.

      1. Of course I did. My question is not about what the right answer is to our conflict, I’m my question was about how those of you that have situations where one thing is a “hard no” to one person and a “yes” to another work things out. Because literally the only other time we’ve not reached some kind of concensus in our 10 years of marriage was over an aspect of planning our wedding.

        “I am not spending money in this” is fine, but our money is joint. What give me (or him) a greater right to that decision? Or is it really just a stand off at which point it is a coin toss.

        That was my question.

        1. To answer your question, in this situation you need to bring in an impartial expert to advise you on the pros and cons. Not your contractor, who has a financial incentive to recommend the extra work.

        2. I think this is what you’re hearing – the way people solve issues like this is, if you can afford it and it’s not harmful and [other caveats], the person who wants Expensive Thing gets it and the person who doesn’t want Expensive Thing sucks it up.

          I think you’re getting stuck on whether he’s asking for $1,500 (which is nbd when it comes to home renos) or $5,500 (which is a big deal). To him, $1,500 is totes worth it and has all these benefits. To you, you reluctantly agreed to $4k in extras for him but would not have agreed to $5.5k in extras.

        3. Couples counseling? I agree with you that you should have equal say in how you (plural) spend your joint money. And honestly he sounds like kind of a d!ck.

        4. I mean, those are you options really. There’s no magic bullet here. You decide you’ll; he decides he’ll give; you mutually decide a way to work it out (flip a coin, leave it to a third party); or you remain at a stalemate forever. If this is a hill you want to die on, then do that. Tell him it’s a hard no. I think most people in marriage decide at some point that $1500 is not worth risking your relationship. If $1500 is here, then stick to your guns.

        5. I think we let who ever cares more “win”. If this was my relationship, I would probably care more about adding part of the renovation and my DH would be worried about the cost. If I felt more strongly yes, then he felt about the money, we would do it. Obviously this could go wrong if you’re making all decisions this way – but if this is the first time in 10 years, maybe consider the depth of feeling on each side and whoever cares more “wins”.

        6. Ok, so I didn’t specifically answer that question and feel like I may get flamed for this–but in this situation, for my relationship, I’d just go along with what my husband wanted. For us- we are a capital T, TEAM in almost everything we do and mostly agree on everything. I take the lead on almost everything in our life and my husband very rarely feel passionate about something, so when he does, I try to respect that I dictate almost everything else in our life & go along with the few things that are important to him. I feel like the only time we have faced something similar to what you are describing is when it comes to religion & our kid, which I mostly give in to what he wants.

        7. I replied above about the renovation specifically. But in general, for my marriage, the default is “no action.” If one person is a hard “no” on spending a substantial sum of money, we don’t spend it. If one person isn’t ready for kids, we don’t TTC. If one person doesn’t want to move, we don’t move. If we agreed to move but one person doesn’t feel like a certain house is “right,” we don’t buy that house. However, we keep the conversation open, listen to each other, gather information, etc. Like you, I think there have been only a handful of times when we couldn’t reach agreement or compromise.
          We’d probably go to couples counseling if there was a pattern of one person never feeling satisfied with the outcome in conflicts, or if we couldn’t reach agreement on a major issue.

          1. While this isn’t bad advice, it doesn’t work for every relationship. My husband hates to spend money. So for anything involving spending of $500+, he was constantly the “hard no”. After about 13 years of essentially always losing these arguments, I pointed out to him that I never get a win. So I am doing a better job of telling him which things I am passionate about, and he is accepting that we can’t live like undergrads anymore (in our mid 30’s).

            To the OP, I’d give in to my husband. As noted above, he pretty much never wants anything. Also, I like to accrue goodwill for a rainy day ;-)

    10. Look, not what you asked, but my parents added the equivalent of a house to their old farmhouse ~18 years ago. The contractor noticed that they could add an office above the garage for little extra cost. They went for it, it was a no brainer, it became my dad’s den and office. What went unnoticed was that mirroring that, a room could have been added above an identical size bump out for a main floor master on the other side of the house. My mom realized this after it had been raftered and was too late, when it would have been $$$ to change it and add the room. She still occasionally brings up that she wishes she had gotten that space from a functional standpoint. They have a great marriage but she’s occasionally reminded and them remembers the annoyance of not having that space, as her sewing room is in a corner of the basement that is not an optimal set-up.
      The reason I post this at all is because you mention the first two extra expenses will be beneficial for your husband. I used to be in the industry and always told customers to plan for 20%-30% or a bit more over budget. Things just come up you can’t predict at the outset. If your project is $$$, 10K is likely within that, and it sounds like you can afford this.
      While the house is torn apart, if your husband is getting his optimal space, especially if it’s added on to the your original budget, revisit your plans with a fine tooth comb and make sure you’re getting the same function in your spaces that he is getting in his. Add some extra utility or upgrade if you feel it’s lacking, it doesn’t need to be an equal 4K worth, but don’t hold that 4K against him, figure out how you both can win. I don’t know what this $1,500 is for – but if there’s a chance it will pay for itself, let it come out in the wash on the project as a whole. You’re partners, you’re a team, you both should get what will bring you joy here.

      1. Ha, OP here. I agree with this 100% and part of why I’m pushing back so hard is because I want to make sure out scope creep gets us what we want, not what dH thinks we need but we don’t need actually need to make this space functional/how he wants it. Literally the contractor and our architect think he’s crazy for wanting to do this (at a high level it’s ultra insulting the ground under the unheated garage that is not under the house-it’s stand alone. He wants to do this on the off chance he ever wants to run heat to the garage- which is $15k and I will never agree to. I’m oversimplifying but it’s a “spend money now to avoid losing some heat at a potential maybe future point that is way way out of scope.” Plus, we already added in ultra insulated garage doors (scope creep) I for this purpose which are far more important to holding heat AND built a model showing heat loss without this extra stuff, and how much heat we’d have to use to break even. I was prepared!).

        Anyway, he texted that he’s conceding. I put together a laundry list of other things equal to this cost- everything from a quick vacation this summer to nicer flooring in his man cave.

        So, we figured it out. Onto the next one!

  9. Can anyone recommend a therapist in Midtown Manhattan that takes insurance? I have chronic mild anxiety that periodically devolves into depression and feel myself slipping.

  10. Where to travel for a week-long spring break in April with a 6-year-old, 4-year-old and 15-month-old? Traveling from the east coast (DC) — could be international or not. We are fairly adventurous but obviously limited by the kids. Meant to plan a while ago, but… well, here we are.

    1. Puerto Rico. I’m taking my kids of similar ages there in February. Reports from my friends indicate that the hurricane recovery has gone well along the coasts, and things are generally safe and open for business. There are tons of great AirBnB / VRBO lodgings that are very inexpensive relative to the rest of the Caribbean, probably due to bad PR. And injecting money directly into the local economy is very helpful. Look into condos in Condado or Luquillo.

    2. Is the 6yearold in school and studied American colonies yet? If so, try Savannah! Will be warm, walkable, pleasant, and even a beach nearby (Tybee Island).
      If not, try a few days in Atlanta! Will be warm, and likely full of pollen. Lot of indoor things like Aquarium or outdoor things like Chattahoochee River trails, etc.
      Ok, I’m from Georgia and in Atlanta, but it’s not far from DC either (1 drive or flight with no stopover)

      1. Also: Williamsburg / Jamestown / Yorktown. Can go luxe or budget but more importantanly, it’s a short drive from DC and what kid doesn’t like pancake houses (my kids’ favorite part, even though I finally splurged for the Williamsburg Inn). I played Hamilton a ton before going and they were so excited to go to see where the Battle of Yorktown was and were thrilled to drive on Rochambeau drive.

        1. I second the recommendation for Williamsburg. Spring break is the best time to visit, unless you’re willing to pull the kids from school and visit in the fall. Summer is miserably hot and humid. The 4-year-old and 6-year-old are the perfect ages to be absolutely fascinated by the tradespeople and the farm animals. The historic area will be relatively crowded during spring break, but that also means that there should be more stuff happening.

          The Jamestown settlement is also fun for kids. My kid especially enjoyed the Powhatan village and the ships, which had a lot of hands-on activities.

          1. Thanks for the idea! I had thought they were too young to enjoy it. Let me know if you have any specific recs!

          2. Here is my best local tip: If you want lunch from the Cheese Shop, call your order in ahead of time for pickup at the side window. You will totally avoid the horrific line of tourists.

            I am not a fan of the David Everett restaurants (DOG Street Grill, Blue Talon, Culture Cafe, Trellis). The service is absolutely terrible and the food is just okay. I’ve heard good things about the Fat Canary, but haven’t actually been there yet. The Carrot Tree is tasty for breakfast and lunch. The Kidsburg playground is fantastic.

    3. I adore Aruba, and it’s a direct flight from DC (4 hours or so). In addition to the amazing beach and ocean, there are lots of animal sanctuaries that my kids love to go to — donkey sanctuary, Phillip’s animal garden and the butterfly farm. The people are so friendly and the food is great too. April will be relatively low season so there will be some deals to be had as well.

      If you end up going, I highly recommend staying at Oceania in Eagle Beach (contact Prestige Realty, they are amazing).

  11. I’m late 30s, raised Catholic and definitely no longer practicing. For most of my 20s and 30s, I was okay with that. A combination of yoga and therapy seemed to address whatever I was seeking. But as I get older, I’m realizing I miss a spiritual community. I’ve been to Episcopal, Lutheran, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches, and while all were welcoming, none felt like a place I belonged. As much as I cannot deal with the Catholic Church for so many reasons, for better or worse it was where I was brought up and it feels “normal.” I totally get why people don’t leave. Striking out on my own at a new church at this age, especially on my own, feels like uncharted terrirtory. But I know I need to do it.

    Any advice from others who have had a similar experience? Or thoughts on leaving Catholicism for good?

    1. Is there a local Catholic college, Newman Association, community school or convent or lay-people’s organization you would consider getting involved with?
      Alternately, seek out a local community of ex-Catholics- a meetup or something, I’m sure there’s something out there? And ask others what they do?
      It is a journey, not a destination.

    2. You won’t feel like you belong anywhere new unless you commit to regularly attending and joining the community.

      1. +1 to this. I am Protestant and have moved to new cities and therefore had to find new churches many times. I hated the process. It never felt good to walk into a new place and try it out. And then keep showing up long enough to meet people and feel a bit at home. But I don’t think there’s any substitute for that.

      2. This is really hard. I was raised Methodist and ended up going back to the Methodist church as an adult. But, my church didn’t feel like “mine” until I did the work of being part of the community through volunteering, small groups, etc. I’m an introvert who would prefer to hide in the back, so it’s hard, but necessary to be part of a faith community IMO. Even then, it took several years.

        I understand why people don’t leave their church of origin, too.

    3. What was it about the Episcopalian church that didn’t feel like the right fit? It’s probably the closest to Catholicism in terms of the service itself (minus the no priest marrying, transubstation etc). DH is Catholic and we attend Catholic church when visiting his hometown but otherwise attend my family’s Episocpalian church – he said he doesn’t notice a big difference in how going to church ‘feels’ and his mom attends EC with us when she visits. You might have to try a couple churches to find the right fit – maybe an EC that uses older style services might feel more familiar? If you miss confession, you can ask to meet with the minister to discuss.

      1. This. Try different Episcopal churches. My husband and I were both raised pretty strict Catholic. We did no church for awhile as adults. Tried a couple Episcopal churches and have settled on one we love.

      2. I was also raised Catholic, including attending Catholic schools for 15 years. My entire family is Catholic as are 90% of my friends. I left because I couldn’t stomach raising my child in the Catholic church, and emailed the heads of several churches before choosing one. I asked their position on a few issues, including gay marriage, as it was one of my biggest objections to the Catholic church. I also researched the teachings of the various churches, and we landed on an Episcopalian church due to the similarity of the teachings and format to Catholicism, and the response I received from the priest. It took a full year of going to church, attending church events at which we felt incredibly awkward, and signing up for all the things for us to feel comfortable there. Almost 2 years later, it feels like home. Make sure the church is one that you want to belong to, and then go all in. It took an entire lifetime for the Catholic church to feel “normal”, so it makes sense that it will take some time to get used to a new church.

    4. I’m very similar to you and have found a home after lots of searching in an Episcopal church. I learned that there are high and low churches within Episcopalianism, so you might try both. The makeup of the congregation matters a lot too.

      I know you said that you’ve tried other churches, and it’s hard to know what that looks like, but I encourage you to give it at least 3-6 months of attendance before making up your mind. Join a social group or help out with a volunteer outing — go beyond just attending services. We take for granted that our community growing up was built-in because our parents forged the connections, and it takes time to forge your place in a new one. Hugs, it’s hard.

    5. I understand this. I was also raised Catholic. My husband was raised Lutheran. He doesn’t like the Catholic church, so we agreed to find something “new”. We’re now in a Methodist church. Once we started shopping around, we realized the denomination had much less to do with how we liked the church than we thought. We stumbled across a church with so many families similar to ours. We have a preschooler, and our church has tons of families with kids 10 and under. And we all tend to go to the same service. Honestly, on the surface, our church is a 180 from what I thought I’d like. Our worship service is way more contemporary than I thought I’d like. But we love the people so, so much. So maybe try to focus less on the denomination and more on asking similarly situated friends if they have recommendations.

    6. Great point from anon a mouse above that the makeup of the congregation matters. Many Catholic churches skew older – our parents’ and grandparents’ ages. (“Practicing” Catholic who still questions the man-made side of the Church here.) Are there faith-based communities near you that have ministries that you identify with (ex: feeding the hungry, stitching prayer shawls, assisting low-income residents with finances)? Young people in my area (IL) enjoy non-denominational Christian churches that have strong youth (18-45) communities and great music, but less formal structures, which you might check out.

      What were the aspects of your former spiritual life that you enjoyed? Was it the tradition, rituals, solo prayer, group prayer, community connection with God, structured theological study (like Sunday School)? To echo others, volunteering at a church or local charity (like Catholic Charities or other spiritual charity) might help you find your community. There are many online resources to help address the philosophy/theology: community college classes, Bible study groups, YouTube (Catholic reccs with a grain of salt: Bishop Barron’s Word on Fire ministry; Fr Mike Schmitz, etc.), “America” magazine (light Catholic; run by Colbert buddy Fr James Martin), podcast/apps (ex: excellent British one, “Pray As You Go”), and others.

      I wish you the best on your search. Spirituality is an eternal journey.

    7. On this topic, does anyone have thoughts or recommendations for how to dip your toe in the water of a new church when you have young kids? When we moved to our current city a few years ago, we (probably too quickly) joined a church of the denomination I grew up in (Lutheran). We wanted to have our littlest one at the time baptized and were probably to quick to join a church before trying others on for size. Now, I’m not crazy about that church, although I have no problem with Lutheranism. We don’t really attend, but I want to get myself and my kids back into the habit — I like going to church and I’m glad my parents had me go to Sunday school, so I want the same experience for my kids. My husband is pretty non-religious — not opposed to our kids going to Sunday school but is not really interested in doing any of the work to get them there. I’d like to try out a church of another denomination close by our home (Methodist) but I don’t want to drag my kids there only for me to decide it is not right for us either… Anyone been in a similar situation? I am inspired to get moving on this given lots of questions about Christianity my kids have had over Christmas and the fact that my newest baby is now not really a baby and still hasn’t been baptized.

      1. You didn’t mention the ages of your kids, but if one is older, consider bringing one of them with you. It won’t kill your kids to go to a church to see what they think, and you can make it something fun, like you go to a service together and then get waffles and whipped cream afterwards. Otherwise, I’d definitely consider heading alone to a service. Alternatively, if you’ve been to a service or two and still aren’t sure, look for their community calendar on their website or call to be added to their email lists. You could bring your kids to one of their family events throughout the year (ours does cookouts, BBQs, fairs, movie nights, etc).

      2. So I just did this. I attended several in my area by myself, and then when I’d identified the one I wanted to test more thoroughly, I took my 8 year old with me to a service. I was able to test how people behaved with fidgeting and see if he liked the service (moving from a very low church Lutheran service to a medium-high church Episcopal service). It was really helpful- he actually really liked the service as there was more going on at any given time that he could watch or participate in, and the pastor was awesome with him in the receiving line. He went with me 2 or 3 times, and then I met with the pastor to get all of my questions answered, and after that (about 3 months after starting) both of my kids (8 and 5) started attending Sunday school. Now we are in the becoming part of the community slog, but my kids are settling in well, and I think it helped that my older son got input into the decision.

    8. I completely understand your reasons for wanting to leave Catholicism all together, and they are absolutely valid, though if you live in a populated enough place to have options, I would encourage you to explore the various Catholic congregations near you to see if there might be a better fit that you can get behind. In my city, there are probably 10 Catholic churches within a 3 mile radius, but only one that is ultra progressive, is deeply involved with social justice, offers an immigrant support network and has a large, active group of parishioners working together on these issues in the community outside Sunday mass.

    9. I was raised Episcopalian and while I’m not practicing, I think the Episcopal Church is pretty cool.

      While I’m no longer practicing, I do volunteer at a soup kitchen at an Episcopal Church. It felt like a nice compromise to me. Would you be interested in something similar?

      I’m obviously biased, but if you are looking to attend services, I’d recommend giving an Episcopal service another shot. The church is very socially progressive but has a traditional liturgy which in my opinion is an awesome, yet rare, combination. The service will feel very familiar (especially to the Catholic services you probably grew up with, before they changed the wording), it’s generally not touchy-feely (though you can find that in some services), but there aren’t the social issues of the Catholic Church. I even once attended a service at the church I volunteered at that was aimed towards former Catholics! There might be some of those services in your city!

      1. I’m an Episcopalian who was brought up in a more conservative/traditional Protestant tradition. I swear that about 50% of our parishioners are former Catholics, and I’m the one who is always saying things like, “Saint Who to the What Now?” while they totally need no explanation about the liturgical year, etc. Definitely church-shop though – even churches in the same general areas differ wildly (I love our Episcopal church but I’d never feel comfortable at the hoity-toity one that is actually closer to my house).

  12. These pearl and gold fringe earrings from Moma are basically my dream earrings — without the pearls. Any sense of where I could get a similar, pearl-less style? Link to follow!

  14. Yay — the upside of having to do some plumbing work is that I get to pick new (functioning!) bathroom fixtures (and will finally get towel rods!). I hate, HATE laquered brass. Chrome doesn’t seem to work in an older house. That leaves brushed nickel finish and oil-rubbed bronze (which I love, but worry it’s Too Much — very noticeable). Brushed nickel seems to be shown more in sleek modern spaces (which mine is not — from the 20s). I am from the NEUS where everything skews either colonial or faux-tuscan, and am not in the SEUS. I don’t want to finally get to pick and wind up hating it in a year. HELP!

    2. There is also brushed gold/brass, which seems to be having a moment, but to my eye can also be classic and definitely less garish than lacquered brass or (g-d help us) two toned polished fixtures.

      1. Amen to the death of two-toned fixtures — I have a bathroom that is a mix of that and chrome and some sort of dull silver metal. And tile over tile. And wallpaper with a contrasting top border. Make it stop!

    3. We did a large reno last year (this is the reno post apparently!). Our house is also from the 20s. I did a mixture of chrome & brushed nickel… if you are uptight about cleanliness/things looking neat, please go with the brushed nickel. I totally regret the chrome and would redo it in a second if it wasn’t so pricey to have it redone- it always gets spotty from the water and drives me bananas. I think style (I went with very simply lines that matched out house) rather than the finish, makes more of a cohesive look.

    4. I have chrome in my 1909 house. It does not look out of place. Indeed, some of the original fixtures are shiny silver. The more important feature is the shape of the hardware rather than the finishes. Look for the types of handles and shapes of faucets original to your home.

      I feel like oiled bronze is not as old-house-authentic as it is trendy-hipster-steampunk and will look distinctly as if it was installed in 2005 in about 10 years.

    5. Polished Nickel

      It looks really nice and isn’t as modern as Chrome and looks a little antique enough to perhaps fit with your style home. It has a warmth too it that looks amazing. It’s a little more expensive than Chrome but I did a whole bathroom in polished nickel (actually, I did 2) and I loved them.

    6. Chrome is what is in older homes generally. If you don’t love chrome, polished nickel is slightly warmer (and more expensive). You can apply products to prevent spotting if that bothers you.

    7. I think you’re missing Polished Nickel as an option here – that’s what we did in master bath recently and definitely goes with older style house.

    8. FWIW, I like brushed nickel and matte black (not together – either/or). We have oil-rubbed bronze in our house and are working to phase it out. IMHO, it just looks like another form of two tone. The matte black finishes are hard to find in-store, but are often available online.

      1. Seconding black matte, which we also did some of- it looks modern and retro at the same time and very in vogue atm.

  15. UGH why is dating so hard? I’ve gone out a few times with a good guy. I wasn’t super into him, but was enjoying the time together and wanted to see what would happen. He was always the one texting me, checking in, setting up dates, etc. For better or worse, we gardened on the 2nd date and have been enjoying that since. After this last time he didn’t text me early that morning (unlike him) and when I texted him later that day, he sent a short reply. Then I hadn’t heard from him for a few days and texted him last night asking how his weekend was. He hasn’t responded, which again, very unlike him. So I’m scared I’m getting ghosted which just feels way worse than if he said “sorry, not into it anymore.” Just venting and frustrated I guess.

    1. This is the worst aspect of the modern dating scene, I think. I haven’t figured out how to take the sting out, really. Someone disappearing is just so much worse than hearing, “I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you well.” Not sure it really makes me feel a ton better in the moment, but I try to tell myself that these people apparently can’t handle uncomfortable conversations and would, therefore, not be good partners.

      No advice, but I hope you can have some wine with girlfriends who love you. This internet stranger gets it and sends good thoughts your way.

    2. My new 2019 dating philosophy is that I’m not going to put up with any BS like this. So I was being ghosted by someone I had been seeing for about 2 months and I called him out on it. It feels so satisfying to be able to speak your mind.

      Ghosting is not about you – it’s about the fact that this guy is too much of a coward to be honest. It does sting but I try to frame it as me dodging a bullet.

      Hugs. I commiserate.

      1. This is what I do. I call them out. I am respectful, but I use my words to say what I am feeling and then I ask for what need/want. It gets easier the more you do it.

        1. I would totally call him out.. how should I? If my last text was “How was your weekend?”, at what point do I send a follow up text and what do I say?

          1. What jumped out to me was your comment that you weren’t really that into him. Listen to that feeling. Then ghost yourself for a bit. I’d wait a few days and if he pops up, say you’re not interested in continuing anything.

          2. Ha, very true. I think because I wasn’t that into it and he always seemed to be the one way more into it, I’m even more annoyed HE is the one ghosting me. But good advice.

          3. “Hey, I feel that things have changed. Are you still interested in seeing me?” If he says yes, then you express your wants and needs and he can decide whether he can meet them.

            But I do agree that if you aren’t really into him, you can go quiet for a little bit and then if nothing has changed tell him that it’s not a match and move on.

      2. +1
        Ghosting is rude AF.

        Luckily I haven’t experienced it yet personally but I know a couple friends have used something like ‘From your lack of response, I presume you do not wish to continuing seeing each other. As you know, it is very rude to ghost someone. I hope you consider being less childish (/a polite adult) in your future contacts with others.’

        2. If you say that, you have to follow up and be firm in not going back to him if it turns out it was a mistake.

        3. If you go this route, I’d go with the first sentence and skip the rest. 1) super-patronizing and comes off as bitter (not matter how satisfying it would be to tell him off) and 2) it’s not my job to educate him to be a better person.

          1. +1 It seems satisfying, but it’s really not and he’s not going to feel as guilty as you think he is.

    3. I would actually not text him saying what others have suggested above. I would take the control back and say “hey, I’m not cool with ghosting, so I’m formally breaking this off.” It’s less passive.

    4. One part of your post is wrong. You said you’d been dating a good guy.

      He’s not a good guy. A good guy does not do this.

      I agree with the other poster who advised you to proactively break it off. You don’t want to be with someone who treats you like this.

    5. You all are hilarious…as long as he is in super into you and initiating everything is cool. But how dare he recognize that fact and end his efforts. You’re not mad about being ghosted, you’re mad about not being pursued anymore. You didn’t like him that much, he pursued for awhile but recognized the lack of reciprocity–so why waste more time on a losing effort. Yeah, it’s a little rude–but not shocking, unanticipated, or based on your interest level–even uninvited. Move on.

      1. You are being a little presumptions. Just because he did most of the initiating doesn’t mean I didn’t reciprocate.
        I initiated both texting conversations and dates. As you can see from the post, I initiated that two most recent texts.

      2. Yeah, no.

        It’s not ‘a little rude’ to straight up not respond to texts. It’s very rude.

        It’s also pretty common for one person to be more ‘into’ a relationship than the other. Doesn’t mean it’s okay for either person to randomly start being rude.

    6. Sorry about what you’re going through. I once ghosted a guy (I know, I know) and I still feel really bad about it years later. Though in my defense I really suck at and dread telling people they’re not what I’m looking for. I’ve had guys who questioned my decision (I’m a great catch, you just don’t know what you’re talking about)/try to guilt trip me (so you never liked me to begin with?)/try to be clingy (I think we’re a great match for these and these reasons, c’mon, let’s give this another go). I’ve learned to suck it up and just do it. I hope he’ll come around to replying, even if it’s bad news.

      1. lol this is why ghosting is a problem – everyone thinks its a defense that they’re “really bad” at letting people down yadda yadda

        1. The reason why I dread doing it and thought I was bad at it was because of the examples above re: guys who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I did say I learned to suck it up and to just do it.

    7. With the acknowledgement that it for sure sucks if you’re into it and they decide they’re not, I think ghosting (very early in dating) is new normal and not even rude. I literally don’t think I’ve ever had a guy actually say he wasn’t interested and I only do if 1) the date was great but I wasn’t attracted to him and so he had no reason to know I wasn’t interested and he was super into it/nice guy, or 2) he keeps texting and is not getting the hint. If we’re both meh, I’d prefer to just have no response frankly.

      2. I just fundamentally disagree with this. If neither of you reaches out to the other after a date, that is fine and not ghosting. But regardless of whether it has been 1 or 10 dates, it is easy and nice to just tell them that you are not interested in seeing them further. The manner in which you do that will differ depending on the number of dates, but it’s just the good thing to do.

  16. I am so deeply concerned about the prospect of Trump declaring a national emergency to circumvent Congress and build the wall. We’re slipoing towards authoritarianism even more than ever.

    1. Agreed, but being in DC, I am also getting concerned about the lack of income affecting my family. While I 100% disagree with his idiotic wall idea, it is a 1 time expenditure and it’s clear he is ok with the entire government going down over it (and also maybe this is something the republicans would love to have happen- their goal seems to be to completely decimate any government over site and then complain later how the government doesn’t work).

      1. LOL you think if he gets his way this one time he won’t continue to do it? And every Republican president from here on out?

        1. This is fairly common with presidents & budgets- R & D. I am more worried about going without income for going on 3 weeks now.

        2. Agreed. I’m out of work with the shutdown, and the sole source of income, so currently relying on my emergency fund. Even with that impact on me financially (and I know I’m luckier than many since I have an emergency fund), I still don’t want the Democrats to give in. That just encourages Trump more, and I do think Congressional Republicans will eventually join with Democrats to override a veto.

          I also can’t see how Trump’s proposal is constitutional and fully expect it to be challenged in court

  17. First week at a small law firm of less than 30 people. What should I be doing this week? I’ve only be in biglaw so far, so this will be my first time working at an office this small.

    1. Meeting people! Getting faces matched to names correctly. Finding out about systems for time, copying, document management etc.

      1. This! Go out to coffee and lunch with your new office-mates, whether you’re on the same team or not. At least schedule it and take 15-30 minutes to really learn their specialties and maybe a little about them.

    2. welcome to Smol Law Life! It’s lovely and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. (this is blank advice not know how long you’ve been practicing)

      Key into the processes, who does what, who is the expert in the office, who you can turn to for advice (but also don’t be afraid to go scrapping through the files on your own to figure stuff out). Be friendly and engaging (to a point) with everyone because it’s difficult to escape or hide from certain people in Smol Law

      If you truly have time to burn without any caseload, take a peek through the server at other cases, correspondence, reports to the clients, etc. so you can get a flair of what your clients expect from you, tone of reports, writing styles of your bosses, etc. I find that just trawling through the firm files always makes me feel comfortable.

      1. In my small law firm the expert on a given subject is often a paralegal with loads of experience. If your new firm is similar – lots of more experienced attorneys with few associates – don’t forget to recognize the expertise where you find it!

      2. yeah, if you intend to do most of your own letters, pleadings, etc. its a good time to look at how other folks in the firm do theirs, stylistically, and to change all your old forms to your new headings. Its a good time to organize all your folders and get everything really manageable so that you don’t have to worry where anything is. Update your contacts, let your contacts know your new email addresses, etc etc. Oh and schedule CLEs if you can!

        If you have your own paralegal or if you share, set up a meeting to discuss how he or she works, keeps things organized, how he or she prefers tasks to be given, etc etc.

    3. I did this switch fairly recently. All the things the other people said. Mostly chiming in to say congrats for making the switch!

      I assumed that staff/IT support would be terrible at my new firm compared to biglaw, and I would have to do everything myself. But my secretary and paralegals are heads and shoulders (and more) above those I worked with at my biglaw firm, and IT support and IT systems are MUCH MUCH better. So don’t make the dumb assumptions I did.

  18. Looking for book recommendations on getting my stuff back together after/during a marriage to a narcissist (he also has other significant mental health issues). Looking for an empowering fiction or non-fiction book. I need courage to end this marriage, bring stability to my home for me and my children, and get some kind of life back for myself. (Yes, I’m in therapy and on meds but I need a book to reinforce/bolster me during my daily commute.)

    1. It’s a celebrity book with some very graphic descriptions of abuse, but Brutally Honest by Melanie Brown; it’s on Kindle, audio book, and hard-copy.

  19. Good morning all,

    Looking for recommendations for bedding, with the following criteria:

    – Pieces not sold in sets with a top sheet (looking for duvet cover, large pillowcases, and fitted sheets)
    – Maintains cool/crisp feeling (not soft/cozy/flannel or satiny)

    Relatedly, any tips for washing bedding to avoid yellowing, buildup from skin/hair oil, etc.? Vinegar? Never figured this out….

    1. For duvet covers and matching pillow cases I actually like Ikea. Usually I just buy a separate white fitted sheet so I can bleach it. Hard to find a set that consists of pillow cases, duvet cover, fitted sheet but no flat sheet in my experience. Maybe a European company? Interested to see what gets suggested.

      How often do you change your bedding? Weekly washing is enough to avoid any yellowing as far as I’ve noticed.

      1. Eyeroll – you don’t have to go to a European company to buy just a fitted sheet and pillowcases. You can buy those things separately at Target, for goodness sake. Yes, you won’t get them in a set, so you’ll have to read the labels to make sure you’re getting the right thing, but it’s not that foreign of a concept.

        OP – go to The Company Store (or Garnet Hill). You probably want a percale cotton sheet. You won’t get a “set” buy you’ll be able to buy a fitted sheet and pillowcases in the same type of fabric ala carte. They’ll probably have a matching duvet cover too (if you want it to match).

        2. Cosign on The Company Store percale. They have F/S right now and their semi-annual clearance, so it’s a good time to try them out.

      2. I bought IKEA bedding made 100% out of linen and I love it. Soft yet crisp. The only downside is that the blanket falls out of the duvet cover but I got little magnetic holders from amazon to secure the blanket inside so problem solved.

      3. @nona
        Did you even read my comment?

        I know you don’t have to go to a European country to buy SEPARATE pieces. And as you agree with me that “Yes, you won’t get them in a set” – in the US, I don’t know what your point is. My point was that it’s hard to get them in a set but you might from a European company as in many European countries the standard bedding set up in a fitted sheet with pillowcases and duvet covers.

      4. I love Pottery Barn Duvets. They are crisp, cool and feel great even after multiple years. They offer a la cart top sheets and pillow cases as well. 100% cotton is important. I would also look for duvets with corner ties (Pottery Barns duvets all have this) and duvet inserts with corner loops, so that the duvet doesn’t slip. For duvet inserts, I love our Ralph Lauren Bronze Down Alternative Comforter, it is a little heavier than other, which I find very calming and comfortable.

    2. If your linens keep yellowing despite various detergents/oxyclean/whatever, try using Bluing. It has the same effect of people using purple shampoo on brassy blonde hair, but for linens.

      1. Was going to recc blueing agent too! It works wonders on white undershirts as well.
        CL from above- with our ikea duvet, I use thin hair ties- 1 in each corner then flip it right side out. Works super well.

    3. Soak in Greased Lightning when they get grungy, then launder as usual. That has extended the life of many sheets in my house.

    1. Go where the people are in terms of platform; get a friend to help with your profile; take some new flattering photos; give yourself pep talks; when you get tired of swiping, still do a little (time limited amount each day). There’s no shame in paying for premium briefly either.

    2. Have a friend (or more than one friend) help you write your profile and choose your pictures. We are often not the best judges of which are our best pictures. Be specific in your profile, very specific. Don’t say “I like to read” instead, say your favorite book you read last year what “Educated” by Tara Westover (or whatever, it’s just an example. Make it easy for someone to start a conversation with you.

      I met my husband online in 2014 and my friend who helped me the most knows who she is and how grateful I am to her :)

    3. I hope this is a different Scarlett because if it’s the one I met in London I am officially heartbroken.

    4. Hi – I’ve been posting under this name for ages, could you pick a new one? Thanks!

  21. I meant also to say that you only need one person for it to be a success. Be open to compromising on superficials to a small degree if you don’t have ton of matches (since beards are fixable and photos don’t capture chemistry)–but only so that you can go on in-person dates and get a sense them as a person (I’m not saying you should compromise on who they are as a person in any way.)

    Pop psychology says men are attracted to women in red, but in a less silly vein be sure to have a minimum of one full body shot; have photos of you doing your hobbies and acting naturally….And be sure to write your profile in an active voice about the type of things you do as a way to show who you are as a person.

    Apparently, now is a great time to join up.

    P.S. I promise I’m not a troll but the pep talk in The Rules is actually quite good. It’s basically like: you’re busy and interesting; stay busy and interesting and don’t lower your standards.

  22. Has anyone bought a Saatva mattress? I’ve read about it online and I’m intrigued. Thanks!

  23. I went to Maui and Oahu in October. We only did 3 days in Oahu (wanted to go to Pearl Harbor), and we did love it but I don’t think it’s necessarily a “must” unless you are a history buff. Otherwise, I can’t recommend Maui enough. We LOVED it. We stayed in an awesome airbnb (so much cheaper than a hotel, but we could do laundry and make breakfast, and it had an amazing view) and rented a convertible through Costco travel (can’t recommend enough – saved so much money). We loved everything about Maui. We loved our snorkeling trip to Molokini Crater. We loved hiking in Haleakala (you feel like you’re on the moon). Lahaina is a charming little town to wander around as is Paella. We had an awesome GPS app (Gypsy Guide) that helped us get around and we found so many neat places because of it. My husband and I like going to new places every year and we already want to go back to Maui again because we loved it so much.

  24. Can anyone suggest a tall riding boot (or even understated OTK) boot that is black, up to $350, and is low heeled (1-2.5 inches max). Should be understated as far as charms and ties and etc, I would wear to my casual business casual office. Near a drafty window and am constantly cold, would like as soon as possible. Would be preferable if it was available in stores somewhere, but I’ve checked size 11 at dozens of major stores and nothing is really available.

    1. If you have thin calves, Blondo at Nordstrom. Their boots are comfy, wear like iron, fit narrower calves best. I am also tall/large of foot (12) and I love my blondo riding boots!

    2. If you are still reading, I swear by la canadienne boots, which I stalk on sale. Wearing these allows me to wear tights (fleece lined:) and keep my feet toasty and comfortable all winter long.

      1. Oh, I forgot that brand! I do have Blondo short boots (thanks Anon @ 6:37). I’ll stalk those too.

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