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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 366 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Scarf Wrap Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love the really unusual scarf detail on this gorgeous wrap dress from Dries Van Noten — it adds an interesting, sophisticated, chic element — and I feel like yellow and black is a hard color scheme to do well, but they nail it here. The dress is $1,127 at Nordstrom (and also at Neiman Marcus in an orangey red). Scarf Wrap Dress MSGM has a much more affordable alternative (at Farfetch) in black/floral, orange/floral, and orange/white, but the placement of the scarf detail is a bit … unusual, let's say. It's much tougher to find a similar style in plus sizes, although this tunic at Neiman Marcus (really a dress if you're not 5'10” like the model) might be an option. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Management?

    I’m a junior-ish associate working with an even more junior associate on a project. We don’t usually work together and probably won’t in the future. Said junior associate had been frustratingly slow to respond to emails and requests. Do I have words with said associate about responsiveness? If so, how? Do I just let this lie because it seems unlikely to change behavior and why rock the boat if it probably won’t be an issue when the project is done? Thanks!

    • Anon

      How much longer will you be working together?

      My go-to in cases where it’s not worth escalating is to start phrasing things as “We need to decide by x – if I don’t hear back from you by then, I’ll proceed with y”, and then do y.

    • Anon 2

      I like the advice above. But if they are little questions/requests that don’t warrant a “this or that” but you just need this person’s input on, don’t use email. Talk in person or pick up the phone.

    • Anon

      What are your response expectations? Could they be out of sync with what is normally done at your firm (i.e. you expect a response on a Sunday night to an email sent at 10pm, but it is reasonable to assume that one can wait until Monday). Do they know your expectations on email responses and requests, have you communicated this at all? Some practice groups or partners have different expectations (especially if this junior associate is used to working with a specific partner or different practice group) and the inexperienced junior associate may be following that other group’s pattern.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on what you’re trying to get Junior to respond to. If you’re asking them to do something, break down each request into a discrete task. Each task should get a deadline. For example, “Please pull Docket Nos. 5-9 and send them to the client by 3 pm today; be sure to copy me on the email. Please also research the statute of limitations on Claim I and send me a summary of your research, including the answer, by 5 pm today. If there’s any issue with any of these deadlines, please let me know immediately.” Then you follow up if Junior doesn’t get the work done by the deadline. Obviously your deadline has to be in advance of the actual deadline to give yourself time to review Junior’s work, but if Junior is persistently tardy, then you’ll have to move up Junior’s deadline to allow time for follow up.

      For more general questions, pick up the phone, don’t rely on email. Always follow up a phone call with an email, if only to document.

  2. Name change

    Here’s a new twist on the “should I change my name?” question. When I got married almost 15 years ago, I took DH’s last name. We’re happily married and now have 2 kids with that name, but I’ve had some regrets about changing my name to begin with. I was on the fence to begin with and didn’t decide until a month before we got married. Here’s what my decision came down to:
    1) I was very interested in hyphenating, but MaidenName-HusbandName is five syllables and sixteen letters. It sounds *okay* together, but it is admittedly a BIG name.
    2) My maiden name is in the top 10 most common last names in the U.S. I told myself that because it was such a common name, it didn’t need to be preserved. I feel differently now.
    3) Honestly, I caved to tradition. DH would’ve been fine with it, but I knew it would tick off some of our very conservative relatives and I didn’t feel like going there. Or correcting them when they “forgot” to use it. My relationship with my in-laws is average — not terrible, not wonderful — and I no longer care about their opinion on something like this. I miss my old name and want it back.

    I want to assume the hyphenated name I considered originally, even if it’s a mouthful. If you were me, would you think it’s worth it? Would it be better to change it socially/professionally, but not legally? Kids would keep their name; I definitely wouldn’t change theirs.

    I have the opposite problem that most married women have. I got married at 22, so 99% of my professional accomplishments have happened with my married name. Hence, the hyphenation rather than going back to my maiden name only.

    • Anonymous

      What about using First Maiden Married with no hyphen? That would avoid the necessity for a legal name change (assuming that’s what you put on your marriage certificate) and would allow you to use or not use the maiden name as convenient. The disadvantage would be that without a hyphen, other people may be likely to call you by all three names in professional settings but not necessarily in social settings.

    • antsmarching

      Go for it! This is completely a “you do you” situation and you should do what makes you happy.

    • K

      Is making your maiden name your “middle name” a la HRC or RBG an option? You can use your full name with the new middle name for professional things/whatever you want, and use just your husband’s last name for other things.

      • Clementine

        I am Jane Smith who became Jane Smith-Jones. People still struggle to deal with a hyphen – even in my liberal, lots of academics and hippies who hypenated their names city.

        I think if I did it again, I might consider just being Jane Smith Jones. I’ll add that a number of women I work with have done this, either as part of a transition to a new name (married/divorced), as differentiating themselves from someone else with a similar name (Jennifer Washington and Jennifer Adams Washington, for example), and just because they decided to (which is totally legit).

        • Anon

          I was born with a hyphenated name (really long too) and it’s a pain for airline bookings – sometimes their system recognizes the hyphen, sometimes it truncates your entire name, sometimes you just get denied from booking because the hyphen isn’t a recognized character and then you have to deal with your boarding pass name not matching your ID. And you’ll get a lot of “passenger record could not be found”. Can’t recommend doing this voluntarily.

          • anon

            Yeah, I’ve heard about this scenario, and it may be a ton of hassle. I guess that’s why I’d probably not bother to change my name legally — just socially and professionally.

    • Anon

      I miss my name a lot so i hear you. Mostly because I went from a great last name – unique yet easy to spell! – to one of the top 10 US last names, which i have found suuuper annoying. My work email now has a number in it bc there’s more than one of us, finding an order at a store is hilariously hard, etc. I really don’t like my new name, but it’s my kids name so I need to get over it in my case I think.

      That being said, I think if you make this change people may think you are getting a divorce. That would be my first reaction. Not sure if you care, but just a warning!

      • anon

        You don’t need to get over anything! If you want to change back or use some variation, do you! Your kids won’t care. Signed, person with different last name from mom, dad, and stepdad

    • ANP

      You are me. I was the first of my friends to get married, my name was a Really Big Deal to my husband at the time (it is not anymore), and I had a plane ticket someone had booked in my new name waiting for me 2 months after my wedding. I now want to go back to First Maiden Married but I have three kids and the task seems so. darn. daunting. I just love knowing there’s someone else out there contemplating a change-back!

      • anon

        I wish people would be more open about regretting name changes but it’s definitely taboo to talk about. The assumption is that your marriage is on the rocks or you regret the relationship, which isn’t the case at all. I miss my name, that’s all. (And frankly, I’m even more “burn down the patriarchy” than I was 15 years ago and can see that I chose the wrong name.)

        • Housecounsel

          I regret it. I love my husband, but not his name. I don’t see any way to go back without hurting his feelings or suggesting to the world that we are getting divorced. I think my daughters would find it an excellent girl-power move, though.

    • Anon

      I like the less abrupt idea of adding your name back as your middle name, and starting to sign your name with both – Jane Smith Jones. Middle names do get dropped and it will take a while but it will happen if you consistently use all three.

      I know a woman who did this and now she has transitioned all the way to Jane Smith, using the above example, because after she got married and took her husband’s name, a teen celebrity named Jane Jones emerged and it was weird in lot of ways having the same name as the celeb. Now I think of her 100% as Jane Smith and had forgotten she was Jane Jones and Jane Smith Jones until reading your story.

    • Anonymous

      Just wanted to chime in that my hyphenated name is just as long as the yours would be, and I never have any trouble.
      My idea of normal may be skewed, because I actually dropped my maiden name, which was even longer, and hard to spell and pronoune. (I hyphenated with another family name).

      • Anonymous

        Also, to respond to many of the comments, before I got married I had a “double last name”- everyone completely ignored it. I chose to hyphenate because I think otherwise I would have ended up with husband’s name by default.

    • Anon

      Honestly at this point, you’ve had your married name for darn near as long as you had your maiden name so it just as much a part of your identity, even more so since your kids have that name and your family life is connected to that name. In reality it’ll be a PITA to change it legally and everywhere else (credit cards, etc.) and your children and other family members will assume there is trouble in paradise, that you’re preparing for a divorce, or going through a midlife crisis. It just seems way more trouble than it’s worth.

      If you really feel that strongly about it, just change your middle to your maiden. No one will notice (honestly in my region it’s assumed the maiden becomes middle) or just assume it has always been that way.

      • anon

        Yeah, I figured people might talk and wonder what’s up. Divorce is not on the table; a midlife crisis is plausible! ;)

      • Senior Attorney

        I know of a woman who hyphenated her name at the same time she was appointed to the state Court of Appeal. In that case it was to take her husband’s name, but you could do the same thing going the other direction if you can think of some career milestone to peg it to. Even something like “15 years in practice” or whatever.

        Or call it a 15th wedding anniversary gift to yourself!

    • Anonynon details

      My mom did this. It was fine! My parents did eventually get divorced but I don’t think it had anything to do with her name change back, which was preceded by a number of years, though you may have a few people give you the side eye in that direction. She still has some friends from her married name period who refer to her by that name because that’s what they “know” her as but I don’t think she minds and it doesn’t come up often.

      Whatever you end up doing, my guess is that you’ll get some people who won’t get it but most of the fuss will be short-lived. Like this time next year no one will care or remember so if it would make you happy, I don’t see why not. If you do do it, I’d love to know how it goes over at work. I am considering something similar but not w/r/t my husbands name, but to have both my parents’ names and not wanting to explain it to everyone is part of what is making me hesitate. But I always go back to the notion that if I just did it already, that would all be behind me.

    • lsw

      Change it to whatever you want! Everyone will get used to it and over it and it’s your life. And your name.

      FWIW, my son has my husband’s last name (I did not change mine) and it has been totally fine. And ours is sometimes a bit confusing as my husband’s last name is a common first name, so sometimes people think my son’s name is Hisfirstname Husband’slastname Mylastname. It’s easily corrected and absolutely not a big deal.

    • Hyphenation

      It’s your name and you should do whatever you want.

      I, personally, would not do this. I hyphenated my name when I got married at 22, and honestly it was a hassle just because people didn’t really expect the hyphenated name (it’s not very common in my area), you never knew where your records or whatever would be filed, and people called me the wrong name a lot.

      I recently got divorced and am going back to my birth name. Changing everything back to that has been an enormous time suck. If you’re going to get it legally changed and then change your name on all your bank accounts, social security card, mortgage, etc… it takes forever. It would be less of an ordeal to change it informally, but I don’t know if that’s what you’re looking for.

    • Anon

      In your situation, my vote is for your middle name to be your maiden name, and you can go by all three names.

      I’m about your age, engaged, and have some semi-high profile things under my own name (ex. Jane A. Kelly). It’s sweet when people refer to me as “the future Mrs. Smith,” because they are happy for me, but my plan is to be some version of Jane A. Kelly Smith. We can add to my name, because marriage adds to me, but we aren’t subtracting from my name or my identity.

      As for stubborn people? Meh. I have no problem telling them that five year old kids can call me Mrs. Smith because they are trying to polite, but adults don’t have that excuse.

      • AIMS

        “We can add to my name, because marriage adds to me, but we aren’t subtracting from my name or my identity.” – I love this way of framing it! I would also love it if any kids managed to call grown ups by any name that actually qualified as a name. At several kids’ bday parties recently I’ve noticed the trend now is for kids to just call you “X’s mom.”

        • Anonymous

          I think “X’s mom” is not a trend but a developmental phase that preschoolers go through. We are in the South where familiar adults are “Miss Firstname” or “Mr. Firstname.” When my kid was in preschool, her friends used to call me “Miss Kid’s Mom.” Now that they are old enough to understand that adults are people with names, I am “Miss Firstname” or “Mrs. Lastname” depending on the kid.

          • AIMS

            One would hope but these were 6 and 7 year olds. Maybe it started off as a wee kid thing but no one is bothering to correct it. Also, maybe my expectations are too high but I don’t think it’s too much to expect even smaller kids to know that adults have their own names. My 2 year old knows that I have a name besides mama and she knows all the names of her grandparents as well.

          • Anonymous at 12:34

            Oh, that is awful. For us it ended around age 3 or so. I do agree that even 2-year-olds should understand that adults have their own names, but in preschool they didn’t seem sophisticated enough to ask an adult’s name if they didn’t know it so they improvised with “X’s mom.”

          • Anonymama

            6 and 7 year olds understand perfectly well that adults have their own names, but may not always know the adult’s name, if they haven’t had a proper introduction, and may also want to avoid offending (some adults want to be called by their first names and would be weirded out by being called Mrs last name or Ms first name, others expect to be addressed with ms/mrs and would be offended to be called by their first name by a young child). “X’s mom” is inelegant but accurate and effective as far as identifying someone.

        • DCR

          I don’t think X’s mom is a new thing. That is what we called parents till about high school, and even then we still used it some. But I also grew up in the Midwest, and calling people by their last names was not a thing – so if you did not know a parent’s first name, X’s mom was the next best choice.

      • Anonymous

        What do think people are going to call you? Ms. Kelly Smith? Cause reality alert that ain’t happening.

        • Anon

          Wow, that’s harsh.

          I expect that family, friends, and work colleagues will use *my name* and not the name they want me to have, because that’s just basic manners.

        • anon

          That’s what I go by–everyone calls me by both names and it’s really not a problem (even though my first last name is very unusual). Most people will be respectful of your choice and those who aren’t…well that just makes them look bad.

          • Anon

            If we can manage to call Harriet Beecher Stowe by her name, we can manage it with other women. Not rocket science.

    • Anonymous

      It’s your name, you do you. That said, I think people might assume you got/are getting divorced/something is going on in your marriage. It’s not fair but you might want to brace yourself for that. Depending on how old your kids are, they might need to be prepared for it too.

    • Talia

      I would use my married name to ensure everyone knew I was married. It also helps to fend off men who home in on 30 something women they sense are single and anxious for male companionship.

    • Ms B

      You do you on your name. It’s yours, you get to pick. I kept my name and, in fact, The Kid has my last name, not The Hub’s last name (he got the first name, I got the middle name, the last name, and the religious names).

      That said, “birth name” please, not “maiden”. When you have done the deed or not is no one’s business but your own.

      Words matter and your name should not be given a descriptor based on your sexual status.

      • Anon

        Say what?

        The correct term is “maiden name.” Whether or not you like it or its history, that is the term. We obviously do not live in a world wherein a woman takes the name of every man she boinks, so we can safely say boinking isn’t the reason for the term.

        • Anonymous

          A lot of people are now referring to it as a birth name rather than a maiden name. I don’t think that’s controversial at all, and while “maiden name” is not incorrect, birth name is also not incorrect.

      • Anon

        Yes, maiden name refers to marital status, not boink status, not really sure where you got that information from. Even lesbian women that marry and join their names have maiden names.

    • An

      I would leave it, changing names is a huge hassle and I wouldn’t want to bother explaining to everyone that no, I am not divorced.

      • Senior Attorney

        It’s really not a super huge hassle. I’ve done it three times now for various reasons and it’s a hassle for a very short while and then you just get on with your life.

        Honestly, the biggest hassle so far has been explaining over and over that no, I did not change my name when I got married this last time.

    • Names

      I’m all for using three names with no hyphens, as in Jane Smith Jones – the example from above.

      My next door in the Midwest handled this in a thoughtful, low key manner. She is a dentist with a practice in the city where she grew up in a huge, Italian Catholic family. She legally took her husband’s last name when marrying but opened her practice (after the marriage) using her maiden name. Although the two worlds frequently crossed, people at work called her Dr. Maiden Name and people in the neighborhood and her children’s friends called her Mrs. Married Name. It worked really well, and no one blinked.

    • Changed Mine

      I changed mine because I was originally un-hyphenated, but with two last names, PLUS a very long first and middle name (yay, Hispanic kid life) and because I got married really young and did not want to slight either parent by picking “their” last name instead of the other parent’s.

      My degrees and “serious” professional accolades all have my full name (first, middle, maiden, and last). I love the nod to my parents and my partner in all of the things I have achieved. But IRL, I just use (nickname and partner’s last name).

      For what it’s worth, based on my limited experience of people accidentally hyphenating my name, hyphenation can be a HUGE pain when traveling and with certain records, but some people like it. It’s your name, do what makes you happy!!

  3. Motivation

    My yearly contract was not renewed for 2018 so I have been jobless since January. I don’t miss the job, they were toxic.
    I thought I’d be using the time off (while searching for a job) to educate myself, do some online classes, read books, do yoga and meditation etc. I am in the very lucky position not to have debt and also having a bit of family money to not worry about daily expenses but working gave me a sense of belonging, of worth.
    Now 4 months into it, I am gaining weight, sleeping more than ever and barely leaving the house. Recently I face timed my sister and she mentioned I became “chubby”. She quickly said, don’t worry once you get a routine you’ll be back to your normal weight.
    But now I feel like a fat slob with no energy and no job prospects. I don’t know what I’m asking for but I am so disappointed at my lack of energy and having failed to act on all my new year’s resolutions.

    • Anonymous

      How are you spending your time?

      How is your mood? Many of us fantasize about such a career “break”, but when everyone you know is working (and judging….you feel), it is amazing how easy it is to become depressed.

    • Anonymous

      Just ugh at the fat slob comment.

      Sounds like you’re getting a bit depressed. Set an alarm for 8, and get outside for a walk first thing every day.

    • DoesntBelongHere

      I’ve been there. Volunteering and exercising, both out of the house, helped me a lot.

    • Anon

      You don’t have a New Year’s Resolution; you have a Today resolution.

      Today, you’re going to go for a walk (or run, if that’s your jam) outside or go to the gym.

    • Anon

      You obviously need a purpose outside of yourself to thrive, so go find one, whether that it work or volunteering, tutoring, something to get you out of the house and to contribute to the world since by your own admission it gave you a sense of belonging. This is natural, humans are social creatures who derive worth from contributing to our community.

    • Houda

      I have been in a similar situation. I think the hardest part is when all your ex-colleagues and friends are busy with day to day work and you have no one to talk to. Going for a walk, catching up with friends in different time zones (if applicable), and just chatting up people at a market can give you some human warmth. It sucks to not have much human interaction but you have to know it’s temporary and you can generate occasions for meeting people.
      On the fat comment, I wouldn’t comment on your relationship to your sibling or how you view your body, but don’t let that get to you, you are more than a number on a scale. Big internet hugs

    • Oops

      This was me last year. I had do many plans and did none. Turns out my self esteem took a hit and I got depressed.

      Jumped at the first job which I don’t like, but I did join a great gym and am working on the weight gain. I let the weight get comfy on me and now it’s harder to shift. I wish I’d joined the gym last year (as the endorphins are wonderful).

    • Break

      You had a much needed and deserved break and can now kicks things into gear. I suggest scheduling your entire day as if you have to account for billable time:

      6:30 AM Wake, dress
      7:00 AM Exercise class/walk, etc
      8:30 AM Breakfast/Shower/Dress
      9:30 AM Apply for jobs/pay bills

      Etc. I would be careful to include specific times to eat and resist eating outside those time frames. I’ve been there and you can definitely get your mojo back with a little discipline!

  4. Funemployment

    This dress is gorgeous! Great pick.

    THREADJACK. I am (intentionally) between jobs. My new job does not start for a few weeks and I already have a trip planned for next week. What other things should I do with this glorious time? Sleep, exercise, and library books are already on my list.

    • Houda

      I am in the same situation. I have been signing up for half-day organized trips to explore the region. I’m also addressing all fortuitous things that I have been postponing: damaged my hair with bleach, so now indulging in nice hair treatments, getting facials, refreshing my sketching skills.
      I also start having more home made meals and catching up on youtube and series

    • Management?

      I would take this time to do a deep dive on your finances. It takes time and attention that’s hard to give in the few evening/weekend hours. 401k/IRA in good shape? Expense ratios approximate? What’s your insurance look like? Do you have life, disability, and long term care, if needed? Does your new place offer competative options? Many do, and have a short sign up window. Do you need to adjust your emergency fund, college savings, down payment savings, withholdings etc?

      Then I would either make an elaborate and delicious meal to reward myself, or go out to a restaurant that I want to try that doesn’t take reservations.

    • cake batter

      Sounds amazing! I’d do a deep clean of my house, including organizing all the closets and pantry and junk drawers, hopefully making a massive goodwill run. I’d also pick a couple really complicated, time consuming recipes I’ve always wanted to try but never have time for. I also would do spa treatments, like hair treatments and body scrubs and things like others have mentioned. Enjoy!

    • Senior Attorney

      Get all your health stuff up to date: dental checkup/cleaning, pap smear, annual physical if you do that kind of thing.

      • DCR

        Assuming that you are between health insurance plans, I would not do this. Those costs add up fast! Its not worth the extra money just to save some time after you start your new job.

        • Senior Attorney

          Obviously this advice assumes you have health insurance in place via COBRA or otherwise.

          • Senior Attorney

            And if you are thinking of letting your health insurance lapse, I hope you will reconsider.

          • DCR

            But you don’t have to elect COBRA for 60 days, and then it is retroactive till the day you lost coverage. I just switched jobs and was uninsured for a few weeks. I choose not to elect COBRA during that time, knowing that if the worst happened I could elect it retroactively. As a result, I saved hundred of dollars.

            OP doesn’t say how long she is unemployed, but I don’t see anything to either suggest that she currently has health insurance or will be uninsured for more than 60 days.

  5. Velma

    I have a full-day interview coming up for a senior-level position. It has been 15+ years since I’ve had this sort of gauntlet interview. I remember it as being exhausting, almost an out-of-body experience by the end of the day (introvert here!). I’ll be prepared in the usual ways and ready to go. Just wondering if anyone has hacks and survival tips to share–things to do/bring/plan to make the day a bit smoother?

    • In-house in Houston

      Eat a good/big breakfast. Even if they’re taking you to lunch, you won’t really get to eat b/c you’ll be talking and being attentive. Also take a granola bar or something easy to eat in your purse just in case you are starving; something you can eat easily on a restroom break. Also, put on what you plan to wear and sit down in it. Make sure it’s comfortable and that it looks professional sitting down. And don’t wear new shoes. I had an interview where the shoes felt fine but I had to walk to different buildings on the campus as part of my interview and they were a nightmare!!

      • Velma

        I’ve already done the sit test–a-okay. Pleading guilty to the really nice new pair of pumps I’ve purchased for the interview. Hmm ….

          • Velma

            You’re absolutely right. I had been “saving” them, but I think I had better wear them to work one day before the interview.

    • Anonymous

      Here’s my encouragement: You’re 15 years older than you were then, and a have a lot more life experience and life skills than you did then. So I wouldn’t expect/dread a repeat of that experience. You’re not who you were then.

      Only tip is that if you have the ability to get up and walk around for 5 or 10 minutes, go outside.
      And set a phone reminder (no sound) to BREATHE deeply. when we get nervous, we breathe shallowly; taking huge deep breaths in a hallway or restroom can calm you down and reset you.

      • Velma

        Thanks. This is an encouraging thought. I am surprisingly nervous considering it is really just three meetings, a one-on-one lunch meeting, and three more meetings–not too much unlike many days in my normal calendar. Right?? :-)

    • Nesprin

      I recently did full day interviews. Here’s my $0.02
      Granola bars (i had like 6 and ate 4 because I do poorly when hungry), small water bottle, bobby pins, mints/gum and tide pen in your bag. Ask for frequent bathroom breaks to take a minute to breathe- esp for introvert burnout.
      Outfit that you feel comfortable in and shoes that you can walk 3+ miles in at minimum. My everyday flats barely work for interviews or conferences, because walking from room to room == lots more walking/standing than my usual days. If you do go for new shoes, bring moleskine/bandaids and consider insoles + those tiny sock things.

      If you’re giving a presentation, make sure you have somewhere to put a microphone + transceiver, i.e. lapel+ belt or pocket and all the dongles you’d need to get your computer to hook up to a projector.

      • Velma

        Thanks–great tips. No presentation (one less thing to worry about), but separate meetings ranging from one interviewer to whole teams.

        Thinking about finding a good 8-hour lipstick, which I normally hate, because of all the talking!

        • Anonymama

          1,000 calories over a full day, presumable with a decent breakfast and dinner, does not seem that remarkable to me? I’m moderately active but am often surprised at how few calories some people eat (or report eating) every day, but I also know people have widely varying caloric needs so wouldn’t snarkily comment on it. Obviously you’re not going to eat 4 granola bars every day but as a snack on a busy and important day they seem about right. (I am one of those people who is not great when I go more than 3 hours without eating, though, so ymmv)

  6. L&E

    Anyone here a labor and employment biglaw attorney? Pros and cons of the practice area? Any thoughts much appreciated!

    • In-house in Houston

      Former biglaw L&E attorney, in-house now. It’s a great practice area…great stories. What specifically do you want to know?

    • Leatty

      I never practiced in big law (mid-size boutique, now in-house at a F50 company), but I am an L&E attorney. I absolutely love the subject matter – it is challenging, interesting (even entertaining at times), and constantly evolving. It also has a very human aspect to it that other areas do not. Another pro- it is recession-resistant – when people are laid off in a down economy, they are more likely to sue.

    • JayJay

      Former BigLaw L&E attorney (at a specialized firm) and now in-house. I love it and if you have any desire to ever go in-house, this is a practice area that is always marketable.

      If you like litigation and want to focus on that, you can do that, too.

    • Anonymous

      I’m mainly in litigation but I sort of dabble in L&E, which is admittedly hard to do. I really enjoy the practice and I want to do more of it but there’s not a lot of L&E in my market, unfortunately. I think to be really successful in this practice area, you have to specialize, which means you need to be in a market that has enough of that work to keep you gainfully employed. If you’re not barred yet then definitely do your research on whether your target jurisdiction has a robust L&E bar.

      Ime, L&E clients generally to pay lower negotiated rates, which can impact your bonus. Otoh, those associates tend to have more sane work hours, so it sort of balances out. Also ime, and this may be a gross generalization, a lot of very successful L&E partners aren’t biglaw-grown, they’re from NLRB etc., so they don’t have a lot of biglaw training. They also don’t spend a ton of time on any one matter because they’re always hustling for business and keeping up on the latest developments in the law. That can be good and bad for you – they’re disorganized and underprepared but they know the law in their sleep. You can add a lot of value just by focusing on the matter: prepare witnesses with actual documents, organize exhibits, and know the record and docs inside and out.

    • Anon

      Not big law, but exclusively L&E midlaw. Very interesting cases, fast-paced work, lots of writing and reading (particularly employment is very document-heavy). Co-sign on the “human” aspect of this work. Overall, I really like my practice and find it stimulating and challenging in a way some of my other colleagues don’t find their personal injury or insurance defense work, which can get stale. I will also note from a litigation standpoint, there is a lot of Pretrial experience to be had (ie motion practice, depositions, etc), but the majority of my cases settle before actual trial after the summary judgment stage.

      If you have any specific questions, it looks like you have a decent pool of us here for responses.

  8. Patty Mayonnaise

    Anyone have recs for nice but reasonably priced hotels in NYC – preferably near the high line/Chelsea mkt? Thanks so much!

    • Anonymous

      perhaps others will have suggestions but tbh, “reasonably priced” and “near the highline/chelsea market” are basically mutually exclusive… I assume you are asking because your search is coming up empty? but that is prime west chelsea/meatpacking area which is very expensive/trendy. try searching further up the highline into the high 20’s/hudson yards area, you might find more options since it is “up and coming” (read: lot of construction) and still near the water, and you could always walk the highline down to where you want to go.

    • Moonstone

      This is a quirky place I’ve stayed at a few times. http://www.chelseapinesinn.com/ Not to everyone’s taste, but I thought it was fun. It books up far in advance. Gay friendly. I think you can get a promo code if you call or sign up for newsletter.

    • cbackson

      There’s a Hampton Inn near Penn Station that is fine – nothing special, but fine – and generally well-priced. It’s not a super fun area but is easily walkable to the north end of the High Line.

  9. Anonymous

    Help. I just turned 35 and I spotted my first grey hair over the weekend. I’ve also started noticing lines around and under my eyes that I didn’t have several years ago. I know aging is a normal thing that happens to everyone, but I’m also feeling bummed out to be seeing these things in myself. I’m not proud of this, but I’ve been used to getting external and internal validation based on how I look and it’s disappointing to feel that stage of my life kind of slipping away.

    Having written this out, it feels pretty silly, and I know there are millions of worse problems to have than dealing with the normal signs of aging. But … I’m asking for help anyway. Are there any articles or things you’ve read, or ways you’ve thought about it that can give me food for thought about aging?

    • anon for this

      If you’re 35 and only noticed your first grey one you’re in really good shape!! I’m the same way, accustomed to lots of external validation and it’s something that I probably care too much about it. Focus on doing things that make you feel strong — for me that is strength training, I am amazed at how much better I feel and look over the last year. Maybe also follow blogs of women who are older and look awesome — Angie from You Look Fab is one who comes to mind.

      There is also lots that you can do about this of course — coloring your hair, Retinol, be religious about sunscreen, teeth whitening, more invasive procedures, etc.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Lots of good advice.

        BTW – you are fortunate. My grays started at 27, and soon after men in their 50’s started hitting on me more than men in my own range. Once I hit 30’s, all male attention stopped. The only interest from males happened when they talked to me and got to know me. And honestly, isn’t that what you want? Superficial attention might be fun in your 20’s if you just want to scr3w around, but that gets old and depressing.

        It taught me earlier than most how to live life.

      • In-house in Houston

        I agree with all of this. Start taking care of your skin now. In fact, Costco has an incredible price on a great face cream: StriVectin SD Advanced Intensive Concentrate 2-count / 2 fl oz – 2 tubes for $69.99 (one tube of the same size sells on Amazon for $79.99). Read the reviews, it’s amazing stuff.

        • Anony

          I’m not familiar with this one. Reading some reviews, there are complaints the formulation has changed. May I ask how old you are? Do you use it at night? It is pricey but you are right that Costco has a great price.

    • Halvah

      Dont worry too much about a grey hair or 2; that can be taken care of with coloring. The eyes are another thing. Wear UVA/UVB sunglasses to protect your eyes and try not to squint too much. If you are not dating, start right away, and make sure the guy is the right guy because your time to marry and have kids are waning. If he is not the right guy, forget him and find another while you are still at the top of your game. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I just want to say that I just turned 38 and I noticed my first grey hair over 10 years ago, many more three years ago, and I still don’t have enough to have to dye my hair. Many people have had to dye their hair when they were younger than I am.

      I think you have to realize that life is short and someday it will be over and you want to be concerned with how people will remember you. It’s nice to look good, but what are you doing with your life that is important? No one looks good forever. Everything in this life is transient.

    • anon

      I hear you, and I posted not long ago about not loving the crow’s feet around my eyes (age 37, here). Unfortunately, my second pregnancy did a number on my hair and I’m quite gray, although I keep it dyed. I’m willing to go to what I consider reasonable measures to preserve what I have (sunscreen, makeup, good skin care). I’m making peace with the fact that I am not willing to go to any great lengths to look younger than I am. No judgment on those who do; it’s just not for me.

      It stinks, but really and truly, aging is going to happen to all of us. Pay attention to the women around you; notice other people’s beauty at every age and stage. Not “because of” or “in spite of” any physical feature or sign of age — just notice them for who they are. It helps a lot with self-acceptance.

    • Anon

      Been dying my hair since 22. I am 37 and you are super annoying. Would you like to know that I have GREAT skin and no wrinkles to speak of except a tiny smile line?

      Are you really acting like these are the first signs of aging you’ve noticed in that “OMG” twenty-something voice? Ok, well, I can guarantee you that you don’t look 25 to others. How about just grow up. And ask your stylist about dying your hair – they get paid to care.

      • Anonymama

        Lady, the OP posted about her concerns with a heckuva lot more grace than you just responded with. Yes, it’s a bummer that other people are younger or cuter than you, and still complain about their minor issues, but it’s even more of a bummer to put people down because they are unhappy about something that you yourself are also unhappy about. Come on, even on the anonymous internet, let your best self out, not your worst self! (Because I know we all have that nasty jealous voice in our heads at times, but it’s your job to shut it down, not let it thrive and grow).

      • Anon

        Yeah, so how do you not have any wrinkles? Forty lbs overweight? Southern Euro background? I must know.

        Also, what I like about this board is that people just let their b flag fly and people can get over it. I like that we can keep it real.

  10. AR

    Fun Monday question: have you ever hosted a weekend brunch for no reason? As in not Easter or a holiday. What are some tips for success? What is a good way to keep people entertained and what time does it end? I’ve done a casual one with close friends but a bit apprehensive about doing one for 20 people! Any tips?

    • anon

      I have! 20 is ambitious, but it can be done if you prepare dishes that can mostly be made in advance. I like smitten kitchen for this. Her baked French toast and shakshuka serve a crowd and you can do most of the work before your guests arrive. Supplement with fruit, a big green salad, and maybe some store-bought pastries, and when people ask what to bring, tell them prosecco! provide some fruit juices for mixing and you’re done.

    • E

      I did! I was doing it with a roommate though so we had two people cooking, which made it easier. We did scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes and asked people to bring mimosa materials and fruit. It went great and wasn’t a terrible amount of work. It was probably about 10 people – may have been overwhelming with more people than that.

    • Anonymous

      yes! about once a year. When my husband and I host parties, people don’t usually leave until several, several hours later. The three times we’ve hosted brunch, people have arrived at 10:30 and left at 5:00 pm (I’m not kidding). I’ve hosted anywhere from 12-18 people

      My tips for brunch are similar to other parties – make just a few dishes, but have a lot of each dish and don’t make everything. We usually do two egg based mains – a vegetarian one and a non vegetarian one. Then a potato like side dish, fruit salad, a platter with bagels with cream cheese and lox (and the fixings – tomato, capers, red onion), and I’ll get danishes/some sort of sweet pastry from a bakery. create a “DIY mimosa” bar, a DIY bloody mary bar, brew a crap ton of coffee, and you are set.

    • Clementine

      I do this quite a bit, actually. Regular group is probably 12, but I’ve had like 25 come over and done various brunches. I like the Smitten Kitchen guide.

      My formula is lots of coffee – I have a thermal carafe my sister got for me at HomeGoods that is perfect for this – and then I make tea for those who drink it. I do a big pitcher of water and throw sliced seasonal fruit in it – this time of year it’s strawberries and mint. Then, I do mimosas or poinsettas (cranberry juice) for Christmas. If I’m feeling wild, I’ll do bellinis, but I just make sure to have lots of dry cava on hand.

      Great formulas are egg dish (fritatta which I also make sure is GF) + Carbs (fresh bread with butter and homemade jam?) + fruit dish + optional pastries (not made by me) cut up into halves/quarters. Other option is great bagels + cream cheese(s)/peanut butter/hummus + optional lox/gravlax/sliced tomatoes/capers/fresh dill/honey/etc + fruit salad.

      If I’m doing bacon, I bake it in the oven on sheet pans, but I usually skip breakfast meats. I’ll also do two stratas (breakfast bread pudding) – one savory and one sweet – plus a simple fruit salad (watermelon and blueberries is my favorite.

      • Baconpancakes

        Oh yes, forgot to mention this – good point about the thermal carafe. You will not be able to make coffee quickly enough – have at least two pots ready ahead of time, one in a carafe.

    • Baconpancakes

      I used to do this every month, just because. It works best when people know what to expect – I like to have a drop-in format with food on a buffet. Baked french toast, frittata, bagels and cream cheese with the fixins (capers, red onion, lox), more bacon than you think any group of people could possibly consume (trust me, it will be consumed), a non-standard fruit salad, and a mimosa bar with different juices are all great. Other good food for these brunches: tater tot casserole, strata, fruit kebabs, caprese kebabs, spring mix salads, danish rolls (they have them at TJ’s – called kringles), People don’t need to be entertained – just feed them. Have nice music on to set the mood. Strong paper plates and lots of napkins already set out – and tons of coffee with multiple different types of creamers, if you’re feeling nice!

  11. Diana Barry

    Can we talk suit retirement? Like how many years after you bought a suit do you get rid of it? I was just thinking that my beloved Theory suit from maybe 2011 needs to be retired. It is in good shape, but I find myself not reaching for it any more.

    • tesyaa

      Even classic styles can get outdated in subtle ways so what you’re describing is pretty normal. Will you feel better if you donate it to an organization that provides workwear to needy people?

    • Solo

      True story – I still wear an Ann Taylor black pantsuit I bought in 2003. Some items are workhorses. If you’re not reaching for something, however, time to move on. I’ve definitely retired suits that just didn’t work for me anymore for various reasons.

    • cake batter

      Could you keep it in your office as a backup/emergency suit? Then it’s not taking up space in your closet but it’s on hand in case you need something in a pinch.

      If you don’t need that as an option, then I’d say get rid of it if you haven’t consistently worn it in a year or so. No sense hanging onto old things when you have better options in your closet.

      • Lilly

        That’s a great idea! I am making a note to bring in an acceptable but unloved suit, and a pair of shoes that are professional and comfortable but I never reach for them.

      • Never too many shoes...

        Totally agree. My least favourite (but perfectly appropriate) suit is my emergency suit at work.

    • Anonymous

      I quit wearing suits, except for those that consist of a dress and matching jacket, because they all just feel out of date to me. I kept one basic black skirt suit and got rid of the rest.

  12. Sun Guard?

    Has anyone here used sun guard? It’s something you wash with your clothing to add SPF protection to your clothing. I’m curious as to whether it has an effect on the wear and durability of the clothes.

    • also burn easily

      haven’t but would be really interested in hearing about your experience if you do!

  13. Superficial question

    Did any of y’all purchase items in the Sephora sale? Any recommendations? Something fun for a Monday?

    • lsw

      Got the Herbivore Coco Rose Coconut Oil body polish that was linked to in the weekend thread, and also Dior Lip Glow which was recommended on here a while ago! Both splurges for me.

    • Anonymous

      I always buy the Fresh Sugar lip balm on the sephora sale. It’s awesome, but way too much to spend on what is basically nice chapstick if it’s not 15%

    • Anonymous

      Um. I may have gone nuts and spent several hundred dollars on overpriced shampoo that makes me feel happy (Bumble & Bumble) and all the sheet masks (especially coconut). But I’m set for a year with those things!

    • Metallica

      A bunch of Drunk Elephant! I think it made smoke come out of my credit card though :/

    • LAJen

      Yes! Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen (best sunscreen+primer I have been able to find lately, and truly weightless) and some lip stains/blushes to try out. I also second the rec of getting Fresh Sugar lip stuff during the sale–I love it.

  14. Wow

    Over the weekend, someone posted about using a leather insole in shoes that have a textile lining to prevent smells, which I thought was genius. Do you have a particular leather insole you would recommend?

  15. Hydrafacial

    I had my first Hydrafacial last week and I really enjoyed it! If you’ve gotten them, do you try and stick to a regular schedule?

  16. Legally Brunette

    Work bag question. I bought and returned the Dagne Dover bags over the weekend. I love how it looks but it’s too heavy and I don’t need a compartment for my computer or a place for my coffee mug.

    My preference is a leather tote that is large enough to carry my lunch, newspaper, wallet, phone, maybe some shoes. A pretty large one. I would prefer not to do a nylon one but I’m open to ideas (the Tumi Voyageur looks nice, admittedly).

    Any ideas? My last bag was a leather Ted Baker shopper tote which was awesome but the zipper is now broken.

    • Tfor22

      I took me a while to come to terms with the look of nylon, but now I am super happy with my Baggalini Avenue tote. I bought it after it was recommended here. The charcoal version has a lovely pink lining.

    • AIMS

      I have a Furla leather zippered shopper that sounds pretty similar to what you describe. It’s fairly light weight for a leather bag and makes it easy to fit most of what I need daily.

      • OP

        Thanks! I bought and returned a Furla one last year — it wasn’t big enough for me. If you have a link to a an extra large one, let me know.

    • Miss

      I got a Dagne Dover and had the same issues, so returned it. I’ve been searching for a nice large bag for years and I think I finally found it.

      Someone on here mentioned that Costco has a Lodis bag and I immediately ordered it. I’ve been using it for a week and it is perfect. It has feet on the bottom so it stands up by itself. It’s leather and looks nice enough to take to court. It holds a lot—I took a 15” laptop plus notebooks plus a binder plus a water bottle to my conference this weekend and had plenty of room. It looks nice whether it’s full or not. And it’s only $50. I think you can buy from Costco online even if you aren’t a member. I highly recommend it.

      The only downside is there’s only one pocket. I keep it unzipped and put my phone in it. There’s a cute clutch that comes with it and I put my pens, business cards, etc. in there. Also it’s unzipped if that’s a problem for you. The straps could stand to be a little wider but they aren’t uncomfortable unless I’ve really loaded up the bag.

    • Anonymous

      For daily use I finally gave up on heavy leather bags,and did not like the non-leather ones except for travel, and found a solution that works for me. A friend with rotator cuff problems recommended trying to lighten the load on one’s shoulders. I now use small purses, with straps, to carry my wallet, phone, comb, tissues, chapstick, pen, and basic keys. And a PolarPack bag, originally designed to carry cold drinks, to carry the rest of what I haul around every day! It is 12″, 8″, and 5.5″, and holds a small i-pad, chargers and flash drive, headlamp/flashlight, lunch, makeup, notebook with essential information for use in emergencies. The only down side is it does not hold folders. It can stand upright, and can be carried in the hand or over the arm. The colors (gray and red) go with almost anything I wear. It looks good enough to appear in public, for the commute, etc.

      • Anonymous

        Somehow I doubt a lunchbag as a purse looks good enough to appear in public… There are lightweight bags that can serve this job and actually look professional (only downside is they won’t keep your beer cold).

    • Anon

      I had a beloved Lodis in the early 2000s but the ones I tried within the last 10 years I returned b/c they looked plastic-y to me. Tried and returned a Cuyana Work Satchel for the same reason. I like the “Heritage” collection from Longchamp – real leather (calfskin) but not too nice for my midlevel position. Also the “Alto” collection from Dooney & Bourke, which has some bags that don’t look at all like D&B. I’m on the hunt for the right color Saint Laurent Large Sac de Jour from the Real Real. Also, I’d get a Tumi if I didn’t want to spend more than about $500. I’m also curious to try a bag from Lotuff (mens or womens) but haven’t gotten around to it yet.

      Dang if good work bags aren’t hard to find.

  17. Anon

    My husband hates Hallmark holidays. I knew this when we got married but I don’t much care about Valentines Day either so it wasnt a big deal. But now my first Mother’s Day is coming up and I really want to do something to celebrate – nothing extravagant but maybe a nice brunch out as a family and then having some time to myself in the afternoon. I tried telling my husband this but he says he doesn’t want to go to an “overpriced” brunch or change his regular Sunday afternoon plans so he can watch the baby. He says he’s a great dad/husband 365 days a year (which is true) and that this one day has no significance. But it has significance to me and I’m so frustrated that he doesn’t care about what I want, even if he thinks it’s silly. He’s also already made plans to be out of town for Father’s Day – I guess that’s his prerogative if he doesn’t want to celebrate it but it’s bumming me out too. I’m going to have to stay off social media these days so I’m not bombarded with photos of families celebrating together. Any other advice about how to get over this? We’ve discussed it a lot and I don’t think I’m going to change his mind.

    • K

      Do you have other family or girlfriends in the area? When I was a kid, we always did Mother’s Day brunch with all the women in my family that lived nearby.
      Sorry he’s being like this, even though he isn’t into the idea of Mother’s day doesn’t mean that he can blow you off like that. Hopefully he’ll come around.

    • Anon

      So then celebrate on Saturday. Tell him this is important to you and if he’s such a good dad/husband, he’ll realize that he’s being an ass and he needs to find a way to make this special for you, or he needs to listen and do the things that you’re telling him will make it special for you.

      I’m very similar to you – I also don’t care about those holidays but my first mother’s day mattered and I wanted to mark it somehow. I also didn’t want to spend all day with a baby at a crowded brunch, so we celebrated on Saturday then had a normal relaxing Sunday. He got me a “card” from the baby and wrote something sweet in it, bought a cake and champagne to have at home on Sat night, and that was perfect.

    • Anonymous

      “What is wrong with you? Why are you so selfish? Who cares if you like it? Why is it always about you? I birthed you a child. That means annually you owe me a brunch and you change your plans to watch the baby. I don’t care if you like it suck it up. The day is significant TO ME YOUR WIFE and if you refuse to see that you aren’t a great husband. Get over yourself”

      • Senior Attorney

        Haha I love this!

        I think this combined with celebrating on Saturday (because yes, restaurants on the actual day are miserable) is the way to go.

      • Linda from HR

        “I birthed you a child. That means annually you owe me a brunch”

        I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not, but that’s a cruddy way to put it. OP wants to do something special on that day, her husband is being a jerk by refusing to participate and actively getting in the way by refusing to step in as a parent so she can get out of the house.

    • Cb

      My husband isn’t great at advanced planning so and I’m not a huge Hallmark holiday person but did want to celebrate my first mother’s day properly (we celebrate in March in the UK). I explained it was important to me that I have a card, a gift (I gave him an idea) and brunch out with him and the baby.

      He’s a wonderful husband and father – he just is just crap at this bit so I’ve decided to ask for what I needed rather than be grumpy when he fell short. There was also an implicit threat that if he screwed it up, I was going to eat my body weight in sushi while he stayed home with a baby.

      • Anonymous

        This seems different from the op who knows that it’s important to her but still refuses to acknowledge that.

      • Anonymous

        This is what someone who isn’t great at holidays but is a great husband looks like.

        Honestly leave. Not, like, leave him. But he won’t change his Sunday plans? To bad. Walk out that morning, tell him you’re going to a spa to celebrate mother’s day, leave the baby with him.

    • Anon

      “I spent nine months throwing up, sleeping, peeing my pants, and having my internal organs rearranged. That was before excruciating pain. You’re a great dad 365 days a year, but on this one day, you’re going to take me to brunch and give me the afternoon off.”

      • Anon

        Adding: “treat people like you want to be treated” is usually good, but it’s often better to treat people like they want to be treated.

        I am not into big birthday celebrations, but happily plan and participate in them for family and friends who are different. Bridal showers and baby showers aren’t my thing, but I go because they mean a lot to my friends.

        This isn’t a hard concept.

    • tesyaa

      Does he ever acknowledge you when it’s NOT a holiday? Like go to brunch on a random Sunday and give you alone time when you need it? Maybe his distaste for holidays is irrational but he’d happily do this another day. If he never wants to treat you out somewhere nice and never gives you alone time, that would upset me. As a person with nontypical, nonconforming, non-social-media ready family/kids, I’m going to have to say maybe you should let the social media part go.

      • Anonymous

        She cares about it. Who cares if part of the reason she cares is social media? Why is it too much to ask for him to put aside his preference not to celebrate to make her happy?

        • Hallmark

          Well, it’s fake. She posts pics of them all smiling and lovey dovey on Mother’s Day but she knows that he’s gritting his teeth and hating it. If that were me, I’d feel worse, not better.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t think she said she wanted to post everything to advertise her perfect family. She said seeing other people celebrating — combined with her husband’s stubborn refusal to accommodate a pretty light lift in terms of emotional labor — was going to make her feel sad.

    • Satin

      I have a similar mismatch with my husband, who doesn’t even like to celebrate his own birthday, but if I ask him for what I want for a holiday, he will comply in a reasonably heartfelt way. I tried to let a couple holidays go by without asking him to do anything, and honestly it felt so sad and horrible that I really prefer our slightly forced way of doing things. But your husband sounds actively hostile about this. What’s that about? Does he have a trauma in his past that involves a bouquet of flowers or something?

    • anon

      It’s not just about what you want — it’s also about demonstrating to your child that you are important and valued in that role.

      My husband does not really “do” holidays either. I thought he would mark my first Mother’s Day, though. I was wrong and it hurt, a lot. After a lot of tears, I was able to get through to him that I don’t need something big, fancy or expensive, but there are three times a year that I need him to pause and acknowledge me. On my birthday, for who I am as a person. On our anniversary, for who I am as his wife. And on Mother’s Day, for who I am to our children.

      • BelleRose

        “there are three times a year that I need him to pause and acknowledge me. On my birthday, for who I am as a person. On our anniversary, for who I am as his wife. And on Mother’s Day, for who I am to our children.”

        Love it!

    • Anonymous

      Did he have a rough childhood?

      I have found that with the men I know, there are two types who are bad about holidays. The lazy/self-centered ones, and the ones who have negative memories associated with these holidays.

      In my extended family, divorce/early death of parent/poverty are reasons why some families have complexes about holidays/gifts. For example, my father never received gifts as a child because they were poor. In fact, they never celebrated holidays or birthdays. His mother was mentally ill and abusive after his father died. He transferred his guilt/negative feelings about holidays on to his children.

      That being said, I agree with others that your husband needs to compromise here for the sake of his marriage and your happiness. I would make a point of insisting on what you want, and then brunch (and hopefully a card/homemade gift from the kids) will become a yearly tradition. If you have to plan it….. plan it. If you have to order a gift for yourself, do it. You will still enjoy it, and the gestures from your children in the future are much more important than from your spouse for Mother’s day.

      My father’s insensitivity regarding simple holiday gestures was crushing to my mother, who was very thoughtful in this regard. I remember with great sadness watching her cry…. and being angry at my father for not doing something that was so simple.

    • Anonshmanon

      You are not asking for anything unreasonable, he should really suck it up, even if it’s not important to him.
      Not that this is even relevant, but mother’s day is not a Hallmark holiday.

      • Hallmark

        It’s not a Hallmark holiday???? Hallmark is a greeting card company and Mother’s Day is a major greeting card holiday.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not a Hallmark holiday because it is not a holiday manufactured by hallmark. It’s origin, and still observed in many churches, is religious.

          • Anonymous

            +1 That’s why it’s always on Sunday. There’s a special service for Mother’s and Father’s days. In my church growing up, we’d make cards in Sunday school and sing a song or something during the service.

          • Linda from HR

            huh, I learned something new today!

            (I did not go to church growing up . . .)

          • Anonymous

            Nope, not a religious holiday. I think there were one or two women in the early 1900s who spearheaded the day. It didn’t exist before then.

            HOWEVER, it is celebrated in a lot of churches. Because the founding women were church ladies and set it up on a Sunday. And now …well, YOU try to plan a Sunday morning service on a Mother’s Day and figure out how not to ignore the mothers while also not causing pain to the infertile women or causing anger among the childless or childfree. I tell you, it’s a pastoral landmine. Not to mention trying to figure out what to preach on. Can you ignore the whole thing and tick off the mothers, or do you preach something about it and veer off into the sentimental?
            Signed,
            Works in a church and has seen the angst up close.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I think you first sentence is spot on.

        But Mother’s Day is a completely Hallmark holiday made to prop up brunch restaurants, florists and questionable jewellery businesses.

    • Anonymous

      Insist he go to therapy. He’s not taking this seriously at all. He’s letting his own feelings get in the way of hearing you tell him, this is really important to me. It’s not ok and I promise you this is not an isolated thing. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist will help him to understand how out of line he is.

      A few other things – His normal Sunday afternoon plans? So that means you get a weekend half day without baby too right? Every weekend? And also – he’s out of town for Father’s Day so you get a baby free day (if you want) on Mother’s Day right?

      • Anonymous

        Seriously? He needs to go to therapy over this? I think it’s perfectly fine if you all decide you don’t “do” mother’s day and father’s day. I think it has to be equal – he doesn’t get to sleep in, or get brunch, or a gift or whatever on fathers day if you don’t on mother’s day – but I don’t think not wanting to do what is in effect a Hallmark holiday is something that requires counseling.

        Honestly, if it’s your first, buy yourself a piece of jewelry or schedule a massage (not on that Sunday – it’s the worst day to do it) to commemorate. And be glad he’s being upfront about who he is, rather than expecting something and not getting it.

    • Anon

      I would book yourself with whatever you want on a Sunday. He’s going out of town on father’s day.

    • Anonymous

      I would book a babysitter so you can do what you want in the afternoon, and also try talking to him again in language that emphasizes your vulnerable emotions. E.g., I feel hurt that we aren’t doing anything as a family to acknowledge Mother’s Day. I feel like it means my work as a mother isn’t valuable to you or worthy of acknowledgement in your eyes. I love you and your opinion means a lot to me, so this really stings.

    • Same thing!

      Same thing happened to me 15 years ago! Slightly different slant but I got the “You are not my mother.” :)
      I am extremely low maintenance when it comes to gifts and holidays, etc, but not this one. So I had to be VERY specific about expectations. As in, “It took me a long time to have this baby and celebrating this holiday is *extremely* important to me after many miserable Mother’s Day holidays longing for a child.”

      Reply: “You are not MY mother.”
      Me: “Sit down. You are rocking the boat. She cannot do it at four months old so you had better help her. I MEAN it. ”

      I ended up at a very fun family brunch and received something for the yard that I really wanted. Be very specific about how this is important to you. It has become less important over the years but they still recognize it in some way which I really appreciate. Last year I think I got some new running shoes. :)

  18. Anonymous

    Suggestions on what to wear for business meetings in ND? I’ve never been there. I have 3 pant suits: navy, black with white/grey pinstripe, and light grey, and I have a black/grey skirt suit. Should I wear pumps, ankle boots? I’ll be doing a site visit, so I need to be able to walk distances.

    • JuniorMinion

      If this is a site visit I would wear pants. I would also wear flat shoes and / or check what level of safety gear you need (Hard hat + safety glasses / Full PPE (incl. steel toes)/ PPE + Flame retardant). I’m in oil and gas and site visits are normally denim on the bottom + normal work wear on the top (blazer /top) + hard hat / safety glasses if everything is shut down or full PPE if it isn’t.

    • JuniorMinion

      I would wear pants. In case some of the walk ways you are on are metal diamond mesh. I would also wear flat shoes. If you are doing a site visit check whether you need hard hat / safety glasses vs. full PPE or PPE + flame retardant (which will solve your wardrobe issues because jumpsuit :).

      I’m in oil and gas and generally wear jeans to site visits with regular work toppers. Also general rule of thumb is anything where machinery will remain operational requires full PPE or more (gas / chemical plants etc. often require flame retardant).

    • C2

      What type of business? Is the site visit indoors or outdoors? Is there a coordinator you can ask for general dress code direction? My answer would vary wildly depending on what you’re doing and where your site visit is.

  19. Anon

    Can anyone recommend a communications coach? Ideally, someone who works with attorneys and lawyers that is NY based and reasonably priced.

  20. Anonymous

    Recommendations for a tailor in NYC? Need to shorten a bridesmaid dress (including a chiffon layer) and adjust the straps. Brooklyn or east side near Grand Central preferred, but all suggestions welcome!

  21. Anonymous

    If a lawyer seems able to work while taking (necessary, legally prescribed) hydrocodone, should he? Will there be legal ramifications down the road for the cases he touches?

    • Flats Only

      Why would there be legal ramifications for taking a legal, “necessary, legally prescribed” drug? Taking something like that because you need it does not automatically make you an out of control addict.

      • Anon

        I suspect the concern would have to be whether the attorney was competent to perform the work at the time just by virtue of taking the (legal and necessary) drug. In the same way you might question whether legal work done while drinking is OK (alcohol is legal, although not necessary). And whether there is a rule about being impaired while doing the work. An interesting question to which I do not know the answer.

        • Anonymous

          I disagree. It is not the same as using alcohol, which is not a prescribed medication. It is similar to taking other “neuroactive” drugs that may or may not affect cognition. So if you are taking a sleep medication, mood medication, allergy medication, bladder medication (anti-cholinergic side effects!), hormonal medications, some antibiotics, chemotherapy and many many many more that the lay public tends to ignore… well I would compare opioids to those.

          That doesn’t mean that someone somewhere may not try to bring it up as a problem. At least I have seen things like that on TV legal shows!

          There is nothing wrong with taking hydrocodone for medically necessary reasons, monitored by a competent physician. One tragedy of the recent high profile “opioid abuse epidemic” is that people who need and benefit from these drugs for medically necessary reasons are having increasing difficulty getting the medications they need and are becoming unfairly judged for it.

          • Anonymous

            +1

            And I would argue that poorly treated pain (often seen with depression and worse sleep that often accompanies poorly treated pain) is often much worse for workplace function/productivity that taking opioids, when done appropriately.

  22. Notyoursugarwife

    Recently went on several dates with two guys I met online. Guy 1 is really fun and attractive. However, I get the sense that he is living at home with his parents and making very little money. He is getting a master’s in biology at a state college in NY and also makes money on the side as a sports coach. I haven’t asked him about these things directly, but whenever I approached the subject indirectly, he would dodge them. We are both 29, and I work in biglaw, though I plan to go work in public interest soon. Right now I’m having fun hanging out with him, but a part of me couldn’t help feeling that I’m dating down (because he’s living at home and seems to be on a career track that makes way less money). Similarly, Guy 2 was also fired recently and has been working as a freelance software developer while living at home with his parents. Guy 2 seems like a nice guy but he is already asking me things about what my parents do for a living on a second date, which makes me feel like he is assessing me as a potential breadearner. He also seems very awkward socially though, so it might also have been something that he didn’t know he should not have brought up?

    But on the other hand, if I were guy and these guys were the girl, I suppose I wouldn’t have felt the same way. However, I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship where I feel compelled to be the primary breadearner for everyone in my family. I’m already supporting my mother, who is struggling financially since my dad passed away. Also, it bothers me that these guys seem more impressed that I work in corporate law and make decent money, rather than that I am happy doing something I feel fulfilled doing. I’m concerned that they will leave me once I switch to a public interest job down the road.

    When it comes to online dating generally, I’ve met quite a few guys who made it clear early on that they would be happy to be a stay-at-home dad on a first date, and one even went so far as say he always wanted to marry a wife who makes lots of money (he was drunk; weirdest and most uncomfortable first date ever). I feel quite jaded about the motives of the guys who approach me online. Sometimes I wish that I worked a really normal job like a high school teacher where I don’t need to work about the ulterior motives of potential dates who approach me. But then again I suppose men probably experience this more than women.

    Maybe I’m overthinking this situation? What do you think?

    • Anonymous

      So, I make good money and live fancy and I’m dating a guy who makes no money and has 4 roommates. He has a career he loves and I respect, he takes care of his finances, and it’s totally fine. Because I’m head over heels for him.

      You sound like you don’t like either of these guys! Don’t date them. You don’t get brownie points for pity dating. There are more men.

      • Anonymous

        But your guy has a career. These guys don’t. And are living at home.

        These guys are totally different from someone careful with finances, living with roommates. I totally respect that.

        I would even respect the OP’s date a little if he ADMITTED he was living with his parents to save money while paying for grad school by working part time. The fact that he can’t even say that tells me he doesn’t even respect/believe in himself. Pass.

        • Anonymous

          I agree? That’s exactly my point. It’s not about the money it’s about the man

          • Anony

            Gotcha. I thought you were arguing that they were reasonable candidates, but just don’t date them if you don’t like them.

            Your man just is a poor comparison to them, since he is so much better!

          • Anony

            Not really if it is doing a Master’s degree in biology. You do a PhD, or med school, or you work off your undergrad and don’t waste the $$ on a Master’s degree that does nothing for career advancement.

          • Anon

            I think OP should date the guys she wants to date and not date the guys she does not, but I am curious about the statement that there is no point in getting an MS in biology. This is WAAAY outside my field, but I have a good friend who works in research and I recall that her MS in microbiology was a prerequisite for the job.

    • Anonymous

      I think both of these seem like duds! It’s not even because they make less (or no) money, it’s because clearly you’re motivated individual and you are looking to date someone equally motivated. Maybe make that more clear in your online profile?

    • AnonDater

      You’re not overthinking it. A lot of people (men included) don’t want to be a stranger’s meal ticket. I had a very similar date this weekend. He seemed kind of lukewarm about me, then all of a sudden started messaging a lot more right after he said he’d googled me. And he made comments throughout the date about wanting various luxury items and expressing surprise that I didn’t have a certain car, etc., because of my job.

      Needless to say, I’m also very jaded about online dating. Most of my friends are, as well.

      Unfortunately, I think it’s something that professional women have to wade through. A lot of the men I’ve met who seem to have this attitude don’t want to be a stay-at-home parent because they would throw themselves completely into raising the kids and taking care of the domestic side of the relationship–they want that because they are lazy or want to float through. That’s not a person I want a serious relationship wtih.

    • Anonymous

      Not really an opinion, but sympathy–I met a friend-of-a-friend for the first time Friday, and we got to talking about online dating. She’s a teacher and wants to be a stay-at-home mom, and was saying that in Boston, teachers and nurses were a dime a dozen, but in DC more of the women have high powered jobs, and so she was a hot commodity on the dating market for guys who wanted someone who would put themselves second. It did not make me feel better about my own dating prospects…

    • Anonymous

      Your post made me a little depressed.

      Is this what we are coming to? A successful, responsible, kind (taking care of Mom….) 20 year old Big Law woman’s dating choices are two marginally employed men living with their parents? Who shouldn’t even be on a dating site to begin with, while they should be getting their act together?

      I have at least a little sympathy for the grad student, but as someone with a PhD in genetics + other professional degrees, going back to school at the age of 29 for a Master’s is still not hopeful.

      No, I would not be encouraged by a man who offers willingness to be a stay at home Dad on the first date, or who asks what my parents do, or who side-steps answering the question if he is living at home.

      Hang in there girl. You are not overthinking.

      I’m starting to go back to the networking/do activities you love/let friends family know you are looking as a safer option to online dating.

      • Anon

        I agree overall, but I challenge the point that going back to school for a master’s at 29 is inherently problematic. I’ll likely be doing that, but it’s not because my first choice career didn’t work out – it’s because I have been working more years to save enough to pay for my degree in cash and build a professional reputation.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yeah my son did four years in the Marines and then went to grad school at 29 and now he’s got a good job and an apartment and I think he’s a great catch, in no small part because he has no student debt.

        • Anonymous

          I said going back to school for a Master’s in Biology at 29 is not hopeful…..

          Speaking from someone well versed in the field, multiple degrees, and understands the Biology career trajectories.

          You can’t talk about “grad school” in general, without specifying the field and the degree. So to the Anon/Senior Attorney, I bet your examples are not a master’s Biology. And SA, your son coming from the Marines is in a whole different rung up.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’ve never done online dating (married super young) so my advice might not be worth much. But for what it’s worth, I didn’t see warning signs with guy number 1. He sounds ambitious. A master’s in biology is not easy. I would also think that opens up some lucrative careers for him. He’s staying at home to avoid graduating with tons of debt most likely. He’s still working on the side (sports coaching) so he’s not just mooching off his parents. He sounds like someone who will fully launch once he completes his education. What did he do between under grad and grad school?

      • Notyoursugarwife

        He worked at a research lab that studied substance abuse addictions. He majored in Psychology and minored in Environmental Sciences.

    • Anonymous

      Huh. Wow. I never ran into that while dating (mid-30s, D.C.). Are you in an economically depressed area where the pickings are slim? I’d argue you should be more selective in your dates. I wholeheartedly disagree (and I know many people will disagree with me) with the advice that you should go on every date “because you never know.” No. That’s nonsense. If you find the person unappealing from their online profile, it’s not magically going to get better in person. You, and every online dater, deserve to be excited about your date and for your date to be excited about you.

      You can do the swiping and asking out instead of waiting on someone to ask you out. When I got asked out online, it was often by guys who were just trying their luck. You know how we say on here that men will apply to any job, even if they’re underqualified, but a perfectly qualified woman will hem and haw and debate whether she’s qualified? That same thing is at play in dating. Message the guy and throw your hat in the ring if you’re interested in someone.

      And if you’re unwilling to marry a biology teacher/scientist, don’t go out with him in the first place. Re: Guy 2, I think asking what your parents do for a living is a really normal question for a second date – he’s looking for commonalities in upbringing. If you really are thinking about marriage, I’d argue you should be asking those questions too. But if he’s “very awkward socially,” why did he get a second date?

      Also, you might want to do some unpacking and figure out if there’s anything deeper to your “concern” that a partner will leave you once you change jobs. That line of thinking deserves some exploration.

      • Notyoursugarwife

        That’s great advice, thank you. I will try to reach out to guys instead of waiting for them to message me first. The last guy I dated seriously treated me a lot worse and questioned my career choices after I told him I was leaving biglaw to clerk for a judge and therefore would be making much less money and can’t go out for dinner dates as much. He didn’t really understand the concept of a clerkship and thought that I was basically making no money for a year. In hindsight, there were warning signs beause he was always really happy whenever I paid for our dates, and made sure we always split everything or that I paid for our dates. He was a government employee and I thought I was being generous. So this experience really jaded me. I didn’t even meet him online and met him at church.

    • Anonshmanon

      I can understand that a lack of drive is unappealing to you. But drive is more than a number on a paycheck. Your income is likely fairly high compared to other professions, and if you are looking only for people making more, you are limiting your selection significantly.
      You can find ambitious, driven people who simply have chosen less lucrative careers. I am not sure what you mean by the breadwinner comment, though.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I hate how this s1te tends to equate drive to earn lots of money with professional drive. I’d be very put off by anyone working in Big Law if I were on the market (and was put off by it when I was) because it was and is very important to me that my partner be family oriented and home enough to be a good husband and father.

        • Rainbow Hair

          The idea of “dating down” is so sad. Like… “down” because he’s living at home (doesn’t have much money) and isn’t going to make much money in your eyes? I mean, you definitely shouldn’t date anyone who isn’t attractive and charming and exciting to you. But I also think it’s worth thinking about how you would describe another person as below you because of $.

          Then again, I married a guy who worked in retail while I worked biglaw, so what do I know?

          • Anonymous

            (This is Anonymous at 1:51pm.) +100. I opened this thread thinking the OP would get flamed for how terrible she sounded talking about “dating down” and was surprised to see how many people apparently agreed with her. I was in Big Law for a little while before I left to have more of a life. I took a huge pay cut, married a guy with a job that pays less than me (even post Big Law) and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. He has aspirations and dreams, but he also values spending time outside of work and with family. That isn’t to say that the people the OP went on dates with are necessarily great, but if they aren’t, it’s not because the OP is “dating down.”

          • Notyoursugarwife

            I think the thing that most concerns me is motive, which tends to correlate with dating down based on objective measures. For example, a guy who is living with his parents and doesn’t have a full time job is more likely to want to date and marry a career-minded woman who works very hard and makes lots of money. The last time I dated down, I got burned, meaning the guy started treating me badly after I left for a significantly lower paying job. So I don’t want to make the same mistake again.

      • Agree

        The lack of drive is a deal killer, especially for a professional woman. As others have mentioned, you should focus on who they are as people and not necessarily on the amount of money they make or have potential to make. I married a guy in the non-profit space, who makes very little and at times has made nothing because we have moved for my job. While my job is hard and I work a ton, I am absolutely 10000% head-over-heels about him, even 10 years later. If we ever decide to have kids, he would be the primary care taker. And he would also support me should I decided to leave my high-paying job, even if our life looked a lot differently.

        I would feel the same way about these guys, but not because of the money/lack of prospects, but because they seem uninspired and lacking drive.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. Drive is 100% more than the numbers on a paycheck. That is why I am crazy about my SO, who works in education and earns 1/3 what I do. He is the most competent, motivated, reliable person I’ve ever met. We’ve been together for a long time, but he still happily lives only according to what he can afford, and never expects me to fund a lifestyle beyond that. As a result, to the extent I feel anxiety about being the breadwinner, it’s only because I’VE gotten used to the lifestyle of a high earner.

        These guys that OP is describing sound neither driven nor happily self-sufficient, so my alarm bells would be ringing, too. It’s not helpful to immediately jump to the assumption that OP equates money with motivation or drive. That holier-than-thou attitude is exactly why women end up with lazy dudes who don’t contribute to either the finance or the household.

    • Anon

      Change your profile.

      I know people who had trouble with online dating because their profiles included things about their (prestigious) jobs, sports cars, and expensive hobbies.

      Don’t hide who you are, but put a different spin on it. Your occupation is an attorney who is looking to move into public interest law. Your hobbies are normal-people hobbies.

      I’m also giving you my standard for earning power of a potential mate: s/he must earn or be willing and able to earn enough money for the life s/he wants.

      • Notyoursugarwife

        Thanks! That’s helpful, I’m wondering if I should take out my occupation entirely, and where I went to school as well (Ivies). I did list that I play tennis and ski, so maybe I should pick something like running and swimming instead.

        • Anon

          Or just tone it down!

          Occupation: attorney looking to move into public interest law.

          Interests: running, tennis, skiing.

          Don’t mention where you went to school. People might make assumptions about what you’re looking for in a partner or in life. You’re a corporate lawyer – that’s enough for people to know you’re smart and driven.

    • Anon

      I get that guys who are living at their parents house are not very appealing. But what’s wrong with being a freelance software developer? I have several friends who do this and earn a very decent living. There are lots of women here who do freelance and we don’t tell them they don’t have a career.

    • Anon

      Do not date someone who lives at home with parents!!! RUN as fast as you can!! It doesn’t matter their financial situation. If he lives at home, that is a hard no from me! My ex lived at home for various reasons, but was very well off. The parental involvement and control over his life was unacceptable and the fact that a man is okay with it would have me wondering about priorities, goals, etc. I’m in NYC and every guy I have recently dated rents or owns his own apartment and is in his 30’s. Don’t bother. There are lots of better options out there…..unless you’re just looking for some fun and I fully support that ;)

    • Princeton mom was right

      Commiseration. I am mid 30s, conventionally pretty/in shape, fancy resume, homeowner/good savings, and can barely muster the energy to spend one week on a dating website because there is nobody left. On my last first date I had to leave to return my Zipcar and the guy looked at me incredulously across the table and said “You’re a [fancy job], where is your Land Rover?”

      I’ve accepted that nobody is likely to want me for me. I am a meal ticket/retirement ticket for someone who has lived irresponsibly. Unless I want to go to the other extreme – except no man with a demanding job wants someone who also has a demanding job.

      • Anon

        See my advice above re: being subtle about your accomplishments and situation on a dating website.

        I’m the last person to tell any woman to dumb themselves down. But at our age, people can figure out the subtle signals, and those who can’t are often the ones looking for the meal ticket.

        More pragmatic advice: try to find a nice engineer to date. They are single because they are often late bloomers who work mostly with other men, but they’re smart and have a good head on their shoulders. Their jobs aren’t a joke, but aren’t BigLaw.

        (This is when I wish we all had screen names, because I know so many good, single men who are just looking for a nice wife who has a brain in her head.)

      • Anon

        Also, if you don’t mind dating or marrying a divorced man, you will be cleaning up on the dating market in the next five years.

        • Anonymous

          True this. I am 40 and a ton of my male friends/ex-coworkers/people I knew from high school and college are getting divorced. These are nice-looking guys with good jobs and other good qualities, for the most part. Some are coming out of relationships where their wives did stay home and I have heard more than one say, next time I am marrying a woman who can support herself so the load isn’t all on me. None of these guys seem scared off by women with money and good careers or women who might want to have kids. Yes, there is baggage and usually some amount of baby mama drama but on the other hand – this is someone who has been through a relationship, can commit, and probably knows more about what he wants and doesn’t want at this phase of his life. Don’t discount late 30s/early 40s divorced guys, especially those a year or two past their divorce (and the typical “chains are off, let’s get nuts” phase).

  24. busybee

    Just a rant here. I started a new job in a totally different field of law about two months ago. Everyone is so nice but I feel so demoralized. I still don’t understand certain things, and I I’m still making mistakes. I was good at my old job. It had its faults, but at least I didn’t look like an idiot every day.
    I keep reminding myself that it’s just a typical new-job adjustment period. But I hate not being good at something and I’m starting to get really frustrated and sad.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Hang in there. I doubt that your new colleagues think you’re an idiot – two months is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to be learning the ropes. The more advanced you get in your career, the longer it takes to get your feet under you. It’s good that your team is kind and helpful!

  25. AIMS

    This dress is great, but way to undersell how weird the budget pick actually is! It looks like someone left a nursing cover on. Farfetch, indeed!

  26. Annony

    I know the famous quote, ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ is true but I have a hard time believing it. I have this image of what my life should be like and even if I achieve certain things, I tend to quickly focus on what I dont have, what didnt work out, etc. And yes, I am in therapy and its helping but I could use some perspective from you guys, who seem to have such great advice. As I’ve entered my late 20s this is something I really want to work on.

    How do you guys get over comparing yourself to others as well as setting goals while also being thankful what you do have?

      • Rainbow Hair

        That’s mean. She’s asking for advice on how to do this aspect of growing up.

        • Anon

          Agree with Rainbow Hair. She is trying to move in the right direction. Attacking her for not yet being at that destination does not exactly convey maturity or kindness.

          • Rainbow Hair

            Thanks. I think it would be one thing if OP were doubling down on the traits we’re talking about, but she’s doing the opposite, she’s seeking help to become the person she wants to be.

    • Anonymous

      Life tragedy. Once you have more deaths in your family, disasters, loss, then you start to appreciate. Sad but true.

      Most of us are not born enlightened. Most of us don’t “mature” on a strict timeline. Most of us only learn/empathize once our life is impacted directly and then we realize what is truly important.

      Or therapy/

    • Satin

      1. Get off social media and stop reading “aspirational” content like blogs or the NYT style section, etc.

      2. Get involved in a cause and volunteer or work for justice on a particular issue – something to take you out of yourself and your own little world.

      • Anonymous

        This is good advice. When I was late 20s, I discovered I was so.much.happier when I stopped reading lifestyle media. And ditto the poster who said facing death/medical emergencies will make you realize quickly what matters and doesn’t.

      • Anonshmanon

        This! I’ve stopped buying any of those glossy magazines and I never realized before how much they stressed me out.

      • Anonymama

        Yes. Interact with a wide variety of people in real life, try new things, get out of your bubble. When you start comparing yourself, also think of people who are worse off and be grateful for what you do have.

    • Rainbow Hair

      What kind of therapy are you in? I think that CBT, changing the way you talk to yourself when you face a disappointment, could be really helpful. The fact that you recognize it is a great start.

    • AIMS

      One thing that helps me is to acknowledge the trade-offs inherent in the things you don’t have. Maybe you don’t look a certain way, but would you want to spend the amount of time it that it would take to do it? Maybe you aren’t taking a family trip to exotic location, but would you want to take it with someone else’s family? Things don’t come in a vacuum. Everything has its own set of strings attached. It’s easy to only see the good stuff when you’re feeling envious but take a moment to notice what you would miss if you did have it.

      • AIMS

        Also: I agree that death and other similar events can sometimes lead to more contentment/acceptance. When I was 20, I used to fear having an ordinary life and now I really just want everything to be simple and peaceful, things that 20 y.o. me would have found super dull but that 30s me thinks are a serious blessing.

      • anonymous

        Agreed. I am dealing with this with my husband’s sister. We just bought a house and I feel like she is jealous of us and I just want to scream at her that we are all running our own races! We have money for a down payment because of two reasons: (1) I lost my dad at a very young age and have saved that money for things like a down payment; and (2) my husband and I work really hard and budget a lot. As for #2, yes, we had a leg up because I also used my down payment to pay for my college so I didn’t have debt, but her parents also paid for her school(s) completely — not my husband’s though, he had to apply for scholarships — and for her wedding completely. I typically get home from work around 8 and am by myself half the week, too, because my husband travels a lot for work. We decided that we can devote a lot of time to work right now so we do in hopes that we can scale it back in the future. We also cook for ourselves, take public transportation/walk, and do our own laundry and cleaning, all of which my sister-in-law pays for. Right now, we are in working/saving mode and have little time, so we aren’t going on vacations, either. I don’t say anything and it doesn’t really bother me except for the times that I feel her jealousy because I want to be like I’m jealous of YOU because you have a living, breathing dad! But this is the life I got dealt and the life you got dealt, so just keep your eyes on your own paper and enjoy what you have!

        So I mean yeah, dealing with sudden tragedy at a young age teaches you to be grateful for what you have, but my mom also stressed to us that if we all threw our problems in a pile and saw what others were dealing with, we’d all go grab our own problems again and I 100% believe that because as sad as I am without my dad, I love my life and love my family and am grateful for each day of it that I get. Run your own race and mind your own business and if you know that the statement is true, believe it.

    • Anonymous

      So is it a problem with comparing yourself to others or a problem with getting disproportionately disappointed? In the first case, I’ve had a lot of luck saying “happiness isn’t a finite resource” over and over to myself. You’re not using up all the world’s happiness with your happiness. I can be happy too! I’ve also worked on feeling genuinely happy for my friends when something goes their way: “she really deserves this because she worked hard/is kind/whatever, and I can tell it’s making her really happy. I want my friends to be happy because I care about them.” I’ve also become a little bolder about asking those people who look like they’ve got things figured out for advice. Something like “Shelly, I’m a little jealous of that huge promotion. Can I take you for a drink and ask how you made it happen?” I’m happy for them -and- I get to benefit from their success.

      Other things that have helped: a gratitude journal I write in before bed, keeping a list of my professional and personal accomplishments, and self-care more generally. If a yoga class and a pair of new shoes make me feel like hot sh it, then I take a yoga class and get some new shoes. When I feel good about my life on a day-to-day basis, I am not as susceptible to the feelings you describe.

      Good luck! This is a beatable problem, I promise, and you’re already well on your way by starting therapy.

    • Miss

      If I’m comparing myself to someone else, I remember to look at the whole package. As in, would I be willing to completely trade lives with this person? The answer is always no. Maybe I want their vacation or their house, but there’s always something I would hate.

      Also, agree with everyone who said that getting older makes a difference. I’ve built my life and I value what I have. I think I became more secure in my choices and look at envy as an opportunity to see if I need to make changes in my life, not a time to just feel bad about myself.

      And volunteering is a great solution. I work with indigent clients who have horrifying backgrounds. It makes me incredibly grateful for everything I have.

    • An

      Get some perspective, which usually comes with age. Maybe you are in a bubble where you only think about or interact with people who are in this situation that you want to be in and aren’t realistically getting a sense of how lucky you are compared to everyone else.

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I remind myself that at some point in the past, I begged, pleaded, and prayed for some of the things I have now. And that someone out there is comparing themselves to me and wanting what I have (i.e. I have something worth wanting). These reminders put matters into perspective and remind me to value and be grateful for my life, my experiences, my “things.”

  27. Seeking Something

    Random solicitation for advice: I feel like I need a project in my life, but I have no clue what. For background, I’m a senior associate at a mid-size law firm (up for partner this year). Married, with a dog and horse. As I’ve become more senior, I’ve gotten more control over my schedule (ability to delegate), although I still hit target each year (1900 – 1950 hours). In our free time, we travel, cook, do outdoorsy things. In other words, we stay fairly busy and I’m satisfied with my life. But lately I’ve felt like I need to take on some sort of project. Not a work project (I don’t think). But something to put some time into in my personal life that has some kind of timeline and goal. In the past this has been running (5ks, half marathons), but I’m stuck on the treadmill now due to overuse injuries (old fractures in my feet really limit me). I can’t really set a goal with my horse (i.e. getting back into competition), because he’s more or less in the same boat as me, foot-wise.
    Long story short: Have any of you been in a kind of similar situation and undertaken some kind of project / worked toward a goal that was really fulfilling? I’d love to hear about it.

    • Juvi

      Start a tiny nonprofit or sit on a committee with a big “deliverable” (an event/5K/workshop).

      Freelance writing

      Photography

      Lol….baby to totally eliminate the “bandwidth problem.” :) (JOKE everyone, IT’S A JOKE)

      Big Sister/Big Couple

      Start inviting neighbors over for weeknight dinners or meeting them at a restaurant to take the pressure off. I’ve started to learn that building community is something that everyone things “someone should” do, but then never does. I’m taking my first feeble steps into doing it!

      actual gardening (like..landscaping/horticulure, not euphimistically).

      make a quilt (pretty easy, but exacting. take a class for an external deadline or it will never get done).

      • Seeking Something

        Good ones. The “building community” one is something that would be great, especially as it’s not necessarily an easy thing for me, and my grandparents set such a good example of this, and they are an inspiration. If we set a goal of x dinners or “come over for a glass of wine”s during a certain period, that seems attainable.

        I’m now also on an an alumnae council that’s going to have big deliverables in terms of events, scholarships, etc. and I’ll personally be hosting an alumnae event in the next year. So those will give me great goals.

        Not sure I’m a quilter, but I did do a massive paint-by-number last year, and it was awesome.

        Thanks for all the great suggestions!

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you would benefit from giving back. You have had a blessed life so far. How about trying some volunteering? Maybe there is a way you can do it combining it with your horse….

      • Seeking Something

        This is definitely a great idea. I already do this to some extent, as I’m on the Board of the state horse council, and we do lots of projects to support the horse industry (horse health initiatives, supporting education through scholarships and programs, etc.), which has been a great experience. I term out this year, but will run again. I can look for other opportunities in this space.

        • Anony

          How about something more intimate though? Like bringing homeless/disabled/blind/troubled kids to a farm/horse situation (obvi I know nothing about horses :).

          • Seeking Something

            There is a therapeutic riding center in town, and I could definitely volunteer there, so you’re not off-base at all.

        • Anonshmanon

          I’m sorry but helping the horse industry? It’s probably meaningful to you and people like you, but it’s definitely not what I’d associate with’giving back’.

          • Seeking Something

            A lot of what we do is help folks who are down on their luck (i.e. lost their job) by providing food for their horses, we provide basic horse health care services, we help train law enforcement to investigate potential abuse situations, and we support local agencies who need funds to rescue horses. So, yes, it is meaningful to “people like me” (I’m sure you meant something else, but “people like me” are those who care about horse and human welfare), but perhaps not to everyone. :)

          • Seeking Something

            No worries! There are so many sectors to the horse industry, and there are definitely many sectors that don’t need our help! :)

        • cbackson

          I volunteer with a therapeutic riding program and it is amaaaaaaaazing. You will love it.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        That was going to be my suggestion, as well. Or find a friend who has a horse that could use some extra training rides if you don’t want the expense of second horse. Or volunteer for therapeutic riding programs.

        • Seeking Something

          Along these lines, I’ve worked with some groups that retrain OTTBs before; that’s definitely something I could do again. Great ideas.

          • AL

            Another thought, depending on what your time/finances are like (and the trainers/horses in your area), is leasing an older schoolmaster for the show season to try for an aspirational goal. Like, I primarily event, but would love to go for my USDF bronze if I had access to a horse that could do it.

    • Anon

      I enjoy finding a piece of furniture on CL or FB marketplace and redoing it. Its takes time and patience and gives me something to look forward to (the finished piece). Depending on the complexity of the piece it can be a lengthy process, stripping, sanding, painting or staining, finish work, new hardware etc. I always feel great at the end and proud of my hard work. Not sure if this is a big enough project for you but I have found great satisfaction with it when I am stuck in a rut.

      • Seeking Something

        I have done this before and really do love it, so it’s been in the back of my mind. I’ll probably put some thought into what kind of piece I’d be interested in doing. Thanks!

        • Anon

          I like working with my hands as in my day to day its more working with my mind. I am an engineer by education but in marketing by profession. I did a beautiful credenza and every person that comes to my home asks if they can buy it. I think all In I have about $100 of money and many many hours of labor. Good luck with whatever you decide. Many good ideas here.

  28. Anonymous

    Do you use a rolling garment bag when you travel for work? If so, what do you use?

    • Anonymous

      Yes… I have two. I have both the vertical and horizontal Briggs and Riley.

      I prefer the set-up of the horizontal one, but get annoyed that 1) I can’t roll it down the airplane aisle, 2) people in airports don’t realize how wide it is and run into it all the time.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I also love my horizontal Briggs and Riley. But have the same annoyances.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Is the idea that a suit will get less wrinkled in one of those than in a regular carry on? (Sorry kind of a beginner to dressing-nicely-while-traveling.)

  29. Anonymous

    Has anyone delivered at Pennsylvania hospital and can you speak to the quality of care there? TIA

    • anon-for-this

      Be careful with Pennsylvania Hospital. A friend had an emergency c-section as she was about to begin pushing because they missed that her baby was in breech position when she first arrived (while in labor).

    • Cat

      It’s the hospital of choice for all my friends who live in Center City… preferred to HUP

    • Anonymous

      I delivered all three of my kids there (2012, 2015, 2016) and had a wonderful experience each time. They are a “baby friendly” hospital and got rid of the nursery sometime between my first and second kid, but the nurses there were amazing
      .

    • Anonymous

      I delivered there in 2016 and planning to deliver my second there in July. It’s the place to go in Philadelphia. Had a very positive experience, loved my nurses and the midwife that ended up doing my delivery.

  30. Anon

    What would you do if a co-worker that you often deal with refers to someone you manage by an unflattering, insulting term. Pertaining to appearance. Audibly. All the time. This person you manage is entry-level and the co-worker is someone you are friendly enough with that he comes to your house regularly.

    I see that this was probably a bad hiring decision on my part due to the culture of where I work. But how do I handle this now? Subtly encourage the person to quit to find greener pastures?

    • Anonymous

      What is wrong with you? You tell your coworker “that comment is inappropriate and unacceptable never say it again.” If you coworker does you report him to HR and stop being his friend.

    • Anonymous

      This post has got to be fake. Your employee is obviously not the problem here. The toxic co-worker is the one who should never have been hired or should be encouraged to leave.

      • Anon

        It’s fake in that I am reflecting upon a situation that I witnessed some years ago. I am older now, and have worked under many managers that I thought weren’t very good. I’m just wondering if I was too tough on them/naive and how I might want handle things if I were a manager.

        I don’t even know if I’ve ever had a good boss/manager.

      • Another POV

        Why does it have to be fake? I don’t understand your trolling superpowers… you might need to recalibrate

        • Anonymous

          Because no reasonable person who wasn’t trying to stir the pot would ever say what OP said.

    • K

      It was a bad hiring decision because you hired someone that is getting insulted? I don’t understand how that is anyone’s fault but the coworker that is being mean. Are you saying that you want the employee that you manage to quit, or the mean coworker?
      You or the employee that you manage need to report him to HR and you need to tell him directly that his behavior is not ok.

      • Anon

        Here’s the thing. The guy was late 30s and darn well knew better. He also knew he was a friend and the “victim” was an underling and he could do what he wanted. His supervisor didn’t care…probably laughed at it. The victim’s performance at work suffered and she started missing a lot of work. The supervisor starting talking about her in front of her, trying to encourage her to quit by telling everyone she was thinking of firing her.

        What ultimately happened was the “victim” went to HR and the victim’s boss told HR that she didn’t know what the victim was talking about and that she should see a psychologist for her delusions. So HR wouldn’t let the victim return to work until she saw a doctor. Victim eventually quit with a destroyed reputation. Her performance had suffered, the manager spread the rumors that she wasn’t a good employee and had poorer and poorer attendace…

        I was reading articles about this recently…written by female lawyers. They basically said being a jerk is not illegal, unless you are a jerk to someone in a protected class. They also said to be mindful of who you hire in the first place, considering how the person will fit into your culture.

        Yes, I come off as naive…because I am. I just want to know how these situations SHOULD be handled. I never really learned from those who were above me.

        • Anonymous

          What you should have done is immediately told your colleague that you were made uncomfortable by the language and asked him to stop immediately.

          What the boss should have done is sat him down and let him know that the language he was using was not reflective of the company/department/etc culture and asked him to stop, with clear consequences if he didn’t.

          It’s not illegal to be a jerk, but you can be fired for it, especially if you are going against specific direction from your manager.

          • Anon

            Yes, but then people start making fun of you by saying that you think your s doesn’t stink or you are a tight a or something.

            Other times, I have done something similar to what you have suggested, and have gotten in trouble for basically harassing the person doing the harassing. What people suggest may work in a perfect world, but not the world we live in.

        • ANON

          You know everybody is a member of a protected class, right? Everybody has a sex, race, family status, whatever.

        • Anonymous

          Be mindful about who you hire in the first place so you don’t hire a jerk who makes fun of people. Not so you don’t hire someone who will get made fun of by jerks.

    • Anon

      There were obviously bad hiring decisions at your company, but it’s not the junior employee.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Assuming this is a serious question…if your coworker is close enough to you to come to your house often, you are close enough to say “dude, what the frack is wrong with you? Stop that immediately.”

  31. anon

    How would you spend $500 on yourself? I have a big birthday coming up and I would like to celebrate the occasion with a nice gift to myself that can serve as a nice reminder of this time. So, the only thing I can think of is jewelry, but I need some inspiration. Blue Nile, Macys, Costco all seem a little…vanilla…I would like something a bit more edgy.

  32. Anokha

    My beloved White and Warren cashmere sweater has developed a large hole in the elbow! I got spare yarn from the manufacturer to mend it, but my tailor said that yarn won’t cut it — the hole is too big and requires a patch. W&W said that they can’t send a patch. Suggestions for what to do? Go to a fabric store and buy a patch, knowing that it won’t be an exact dupe? Buy elbow patches in a contrasting fabric (e.g., suede) — but will that even work? Help!

    • Triangle Pose

      Never used them myself but they make cashmere “band-aids.” I’d try to go for contrasting color instead of match and try to make a design out of it instead of a more patch look. But that’s just me.

    • Anonshmanon

      I’ve done contrasting patches to save a beloved sweater. It definitely worked for me. Be careful picking leather, it won’t react well to the sweater getting washed. Better pick some other fabric that washes well.

    • Baconpancakes

      I’ll be doing tan suede patches on the elbows of my favorite black cashmere cardigan because I can’t bear to throw it away (was a gift from my deceased godmother), but I will not be wearing it to work. You’ll have to embrace the contrast, which is a decidedly casual look. (Unless you’re in academia!) There’s a few methods – you can either felt wool into the hole (link to follow) – note I would not recommend trying this to match your sweater – it will not look the same, or you can sew a patch on. The patches come self-adhesive or you can sew them on, which opens your options to whatever fabric or material you like.

    • Susan

      Try a place that does reweaving. I’ve been amazed at the miracles they’ve worked with some of my beloved sweaters.

  33. Anon

    I am in my late 30s now and I’ve noticed that my periods have gotten much lighter. I don’t even fill a pad on my heaviest day and the blood stays in the middle. I am also getting brown blood in the beginning or sometimes, throughout the whole thing. Is this normal for my age, or is this from a dietary change? I have no idea what to expect at this point of my life.

      • Anon

        It’s possible that I am not getting enough iron. This happened when I stopped eating oatmeal every morning. But I am getting older. I would return to eating oatmeal if it didn’t have so many digestive consequences.

    • Anon

      This is how my periods have always been but if it’s a change I would definitely mention to your doctor at your next annual exam.

        • Anon

          Anecdotally, not at all. I only have one child but I conceived her my first month trying and due to DH’s business travel we only attempted to conceive a couple of times that cycle.

    • Anony

      This is how my periods changed as I was getting older. I had crazy heavy periods when I was younger and was always anemic. And then it slowed. I moved to use a menstrual cup, which is convenient for me.

      Mention to your doctor, regardless.

      I thought it was a sign I was moving quickly towards menopause, but I am approaching 50 and my periods persist and are still this way.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I would recommend getting some bloodwork done, since it could be a hormonal imbalance. Brown bleeding or spotting that lasts 3+ days at the beginning of your period is actually not that period, but leftover blood from the *last* period. I had this (along with tail-end brown bleeding) and it turned out to indicate low progesterone. Talk to your gyn or an endocrinologist!

  34. Anonymous

    Ugh. I just had my first stolen credit card incident. (I physically have the card, just the number was stolen.) Chase caught it right away and canceled it. They are sending me a new one. It’s going to take 5-10 which is annoying. Is there anything else I need to do? I vigilantly check my credit card statements and balance, and they are declining all further charges of course.

    • Anonymous

      Call the card issuer back and request that they overnight the new card. If you use it regularly, they should be willing to overnight it to keep a good customer happy. At least that is my experience.

      • Anonymous

        I totally should have done this. I will call them back. I didn’t think about it in the moment.

        Regarding the freeze your credit suggestion below, how do I do something like that? (off to go og le, but if someone has a helpful link!)

        • Anon

          Freezing your credit is a huge hassle and it is not necessary just because someone used your credit card to make fraudulent charges, especially if it was caught quickly and cancelled. You can do it if you want, but it’s a pain in the a$$, especially if you will need to unfreeze your credit anytime soon (ie to obtain a loan). I froze my credit after the Equifax breach but I’ve had my credit card stolen several times and have just gotten a new card. It’s been fine.

          • Anonymous

            Freezing your credit prevents an unauthorized person from opening new accounts in your name, which they wouldn’t be able to do with just a credit card number anyway. It does not prevent people from stealing and using your credit card number.

        • Anon 2

          Seriously no need to freeze your credit. I have Chase. My number has been stolen probably 3 times in 5-7 years. You get a new card, they reject/cancel any charges that are fraudulent and that’s about it. All you have to do is updated any accounts that autocharge to the credit card since the number will be changed.

    • Anon

      Freeze your credit. I did this more in response to major corporate data breaches than to stolen credit cards, but it’s an important step to protect yourself nonetheless.

    • Anon

      Wow, I have chase and my number has been stolen 2-3 times now. They’ve always overnighted me a new card (I probably said “can we do it any faster?” But didn’t push).. 5-10 seems totally unreasonable.

      • DCR

        yeah, agreed. I don’t have chase, but have had cards stolen 4-5 times in my life. They always overnight or second day the replacement card. There is no way I would wait 5-10 days – I would just start using my backup card, and then probably not go back to the first when the replacement came unless the benefits were a lot better, which is probably what they fear will happen and why they overnight the replacement.

        • Anonymous

          I did call back and they expedited it. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it on the phone.

          I know this happens all the time, but fortunately I haven’t had to deal with it before! Changing all the auto-charges is going to be a PITA, because this is my big points card that I use a lot. Oh well! I’m glad they are vigilant and texted/emailed me right away with the suspicious-looking charges.

          • Anon

            I have been less lucky and had this happen before but I don’t think I’ve ever updated auto charge info unless the card actually expires – and then usually get email or other notification which serves as a good chance to reassess if your even want that subscription :)

            I think most of the major card companies now automatically make the update with those merchants. I don’t know if it’s an opt out or opt in thing but I wouldn’t stress about it.

  35. Anonymous

    Does anyone have interview presentation tips? I’m in the third round of interviews for a corporate position coming from a teaching background. I’m supposed to take charge of the meeting, pitch to my client for 5-10 minutes, and have 10 minutes of questions. I’ve never had to run a meeting before and don’t often present at work besides talking to my class. I’m extremely nervous.

    • Anonymous

      Here is a little secret for you: Effective public speaking is really quite similar to good teaching. You already know how to do this. Find out what the client needs, then show the client how the product or service will improve its business. During the Q&A, look beyond the question itself and try to discern what broader concern (or misunderstanding) is driving the particular question.

    • mascot

      Running a meeting- have an agenda/plan for what needs to happen, respecting people’s time and staying on track with discussions. Give people the information they need to make any decisions that need to happen at the meeting and make sure everyone knows what needs to happen after they leave the meeting. Probably doesn’t sound all that different than lesson planning and leading a class with a discussion component.
      Pitch the client- identify and understand what problem they need to have solved. You don’t have to solve the problem in a pitch, but you do need to show that you have the ability to solve that problem through your company’s product/skills offered. The Q/A session can go both ways as you try to further understand what they are looking for. Again, I think teaching experience could be a benefit here because you have to adat to different styles of learning/communication.

    • Marshmallow

      Teaching is absolutely a benefit here. Basically think of how you would lesson-plan a 5-10 minute lesson and apply the same approach to the pitch: what is the purpose? What should the client understand or be able to do at the end? Use examples and concrete illustrations of concepts as much as possible. Plan for questions you anticipate and think about how you’d answer/ break down or build on concepts.

      I used to teach and have found it immensely helpful in my career. Some of the best feedback I’ve gotten after giving presentations is some version of, “I can tell you were a teacher.” You are already ahead of the curve!

  36. Always very random Q here

    Anyone here have Slate Floor tiles? I just bought a new house and I nhave no idea how to clean these, even after a good wash they still look a little dirty?

    • August

      Is it the tile or the grout lines that are looking dingy? You can actually repaint over the grout lines between the tiles to freshen it up. Young House Love did this on their blog. Good luck and congrats on your new home!

    • Anonymous

      You have discovered the pain of slate…it always looks dirty. There are some products that can make them look good–but yeah…virtually impossible to get right. Will never have slate again.

  37. House viewing attire

    Both my sister and I got promoted this year. We decided to upgrade by moving to an uber HCOL neighborhood and live together in a nice place instead of each one paying her rent separately.
    I have an apartment visit in a couple days. If I get the place, this would be the most I’ve ever paid for rent even as I split the cost with my sister. We both are very excited but I was tasked with the onsite visits.
    I am very intimidated and not sure what to wear, say etc. Do you dress a specific way for house viewing? It’s a very sought after property with a great price, do you say upfront that you’re willing to pay several months in advance? The realtor made a comment about sister fights, do people get wary of siblings sharing an apartment instead of couples?

    • Anonymous

      What? No. Chill. You’re renting. Wear like jeans and a shirt. Do not offer to prepay even more rent.

    • Marshmallow

      Ummmm I wouldn’t worry about what you’re wearing but I WOULD worry about a realtor who will make weird comments about sister fights. That’s extremely offputting– it could be s 3 x i s t or just infantilizing based on the tone, but either would not be cool. I’d be finding another realtor.

    • CX

      If you look young, you might want to lean more Talbots-y (i.e. slightly preppy/matronly) with your look. Basically, exude respectability and give the impression you’ll treat the home responsibly, particularly if you’re dealing with the owner.

      If the listing is at risk of going fast, show up with hard-copies of your credit reports (or print outs of your Mint score if you want to a credit check on your report) and references. You could show up with a money-order for deposit and first-month (vs. a personal check), but I’ve never done that, just occasionally seen it requested.

      And, you say you were “tasked with the onsite visits.” Since this will be “the most [you]’ve ever paid for rent,” please have your sister visit it in person too before putting down money. Committing her to something costly that she could end up not liking as much as you is a great way to pick a lease-long fight.

      • House viewing attire

        Thanks all. I look and sound young but both my sister and I are in our 30s.
        We have viewed the photos online so my sister is down for it and I am not signing anything on the spot. We have to submit a complete file before that.

    • tazdevil

      “Sister fights”? Ugh relators can be notoriously misogynistic when showing high end properties (for sale or rent) to women who have their own means and are not counting on a a p#nis-holder to pay the bills. Don’t sweat the other stuff – and definitely DO NOT prepay several months of rent in advance – what if the property gets sold and they want you out? You would probably never get that money back

    • Senior Attorney

      If it’s a sought-after property, by all means offer to pay a few months up front. I had people do this when I was looking for new tenants and I thought it was a positive. (Caveat that this was me renting my house as an individual — can’t speak to whether it would matter when renting a unit in a large complex.)

      I wouldn’t worry about siblings and I agree it’s weird for the realtor to say that.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on the market.

      Where I live, first person who passes muster, says yes and gives a check usually gets it. If you wait, you lose.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        When I was in San Francisco, I came to the viewing with a folder for the agent/landlord with copies of my financial info/job info/letters from all prior landlords. I told him immediately if I wanted it and was willing to sign on the spot. And if I really wanted it, I would absolutely be willing to say I could pay several months up front. Rarely did any landlord take me up on that, but it made a good impression. But arriving with all of my financial information was the smartest.

        I collect a letter from every landlord when I move out stating I was a good tenant. Those have been very helpful.

      • Linda from HR

        Yeah, that’s my city as well. If you’re the first person to apply, and your credit is good and you can prove (with pay stubs) that you can afford the rent, you get the place, usually within a few days. Good apartments can get snapped up within 48 hours of hitting the market, especially on popular lease cycles. Very often I’d inquire about a listing on Padmapper or Trulia that was just posted, only to find out it’s already been rented, and I usually know that’s probably gonna be the case going in but that’s how you connect with realtors with the type of listings you are looking for.

        When meeting with realtors, I either wear my work clothes if I’m coming straight from work, or I’d dress like I was meeting my boyfriends’ parents for lunch if we were meeting on the weekend. I don’t think it makes that much of a difference, but it gives me more confidence!

        All that said, if a realtor has a weird thing about “sister fights,” it may be a non issue since they’re not making the decision, but if they keep making comments about it and you don’t get this apartment, I’d avoid dealing with that realtor again.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      I live with my sister! No one ever said that to me on any visits. Also, it is the best.

  38. Anon

    I’ve been interested in Drunk Elephant products, but I’ve heard some things about them causing acne. Specifically, the sunscreen. I like mineral sunscreen, but I think it may congest pores and I already have a problem with that. Thoughts?

  39. Anon

    Having run many a meeting, I think teaching a class sounds much more difficult. So I hope that gives you some confidence!

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