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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Square-Neck Top

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A woman wearing a green long sleeve square neck top and denim pants with black belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Ann Taylor has several tops available right now with this gorgeous square neckline, but the forest green color really caught my eye. (H/t to Kat for spotting it for the Suit of the Week last week!)

I have several dainty necklaces that get lost in my winter sweaters, but I find that the square neckline is a great option for highlighting your favorite smaller pieces. 

The top is on sale for $45.15 (marked down from $64.50) at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes XXS-XXL.

It's definitely more on the casual side, but this blue-green square-neck top from Lands' End is available in 1X-3X and is on sale for only $24.97.

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

352 Comments

  1. I do not like to have “read receipts” turned on my iPhone but somehow this will often happen with my messages to some people. To the point of I have to remember to manually check every few weeks/months to check. It’s not turned on in my messages settings. Any idea why this keeps happening?

    3. Do you mean that you can see that they have read your message? (Not that you have read their message.) If so that setting is on their end.

  2. Looking for polarized sunglasses with extremely dark lenses. (Prefer people not be able to see my eyes through them.) My face shape looks weird in aviators, but I prefer a large shape for sun protection. I am replacing my Maui Jims that I just lost – if that helps reference. (But the lenses were never dark enough.)

    2. Your eye doctor can do this, even without a prescription. Plus, if you have them order the sunglasses, you get them sales tax free.

    3. I like diff eye wear, you can sort by polarized on there website and they’re really good quality. I get years out of my pairs until I inevitably do something stupid.

    4. Ray ban has non aviators with darker polarized lenses. If you can, though, I’d try to get to a Sunglasses Hut and try some on.

    5. Vuarnet, probably with the Skilynx or Polarlynx lenses. If you go look, you have to click on the frame model and then see what lenses are available with it.

    1. yeah, there isn’t going to be a flu shot in the US next year. I guess those of us with the means to travel can go to Canada if they’ll vaccinate us? I don’t know what their policy is on vaccinating non-residents.

      1. I actually googled this question yesterday and yes, US citizens can get their flu shot in Canada. I have a work trip there in October and plan to get it if not available here.

    2. Between the efforts to flood the zone and the media failing hard at traditional responsibilities of journalism (I see you, Jeff Bezos!), we’re going to miss a lot. No one is even talking about Trump’s “registry” for undocumented immigrants. Will Elon “Heil” Musk be in charge of that effort?

        1. We don’t have any national citizenship ID like many other countries. Less than half of US citizens have a passport. SSNs aren’t exclusive to citizens, nor are Real ID drivers licenses.

          I can’t imagine how this would this even work?

          I guess the answer is, it won’t. This “registry” will legalize stop and frisk of POC leading to detention and potential deportation of US citizens who have no way to “prove” citizenship when walking down the street.

          1. In my brown-skinned family, we now all carry US passport cards, a change since January. I don’t recognize this country.

      2. I literally just left a meeting about this issue and how it affects people at our organization. We are talking about it.

    3. To be fair, I saw this in both the NYT and the WaPo this morning. I read on my phone, so I can’t say whether it was on the “front page” or not, but it was prominently placed enough that I saw it in a 5 minute scan of headlines before getting out of bed, so definitely not buried. There’s a lot of news, that’s the whole strategy, to just flood people with so much that it’s almost impossible to keep up, but I don’t blame the NYT for that (we can debate other aspects of their coverage, but this particular problem isn’t their fault).

      1. I saw this on Reddit but not NYT. I really hope Canada is willing to vaccinate us, though of course that helps only those of us with the means to travel there and pay for it.

        1. Come join us in Minnesota! It’s just a half day drive! If they will still let us in….

      3. It was one of the top stories on NYT on my phone, but I think they change that frequently and base it on an algorithm or user behavior.

    4. Chuckling at “what other critical news is being buried, or not reported at all” followed by a link to a NYT article that is, in fact, reporting exactly this issue. Some of y’all sure love being dramatic!

      1. It was buried and I only ran across it linked from another article. Definitely not anywhere on the front page. I checked other news sites and none of them had it on the front page either. I only ran across it by happenstance.

  4. Wirecutter today has a glowing review of the T shirts made by Perfect DD, for larger busted women. Anyone in the hive try this brand? They are not cheap but I’ll go a long way for a really good T shirt that is not see through.

    1. I haven’t, but I’m interested since Bravissimo seems to have stopped making outerwear.

    2. I love the idea, but their model photos make it really difficult to imagine how these would look on me. :-(

    3. Haven’t tried those but I’m a 36J and really like the Universal Standard t-rex and v-rex. Good fit, material, and not see through.

  5. I like this! Most of my “going out tops” are square neck, but I like seeing one thats work appropriate

    1. Can you give some examples of your going-out tops? I’m at a loss but want to be more sexy for date night.

  6. Thanks to being DOGE-ed, I am suddenly on a very flooded legal market, looking for a job, preferably in-house or at a firm. I’m doing all the other appropriate pounding of the pavement, but would appreciate fashion/grooming advice because, like it or not, it might move the needle. I’m mid-career, medium height, and XXL size.

    1) What are we thinking about suit styles for interviewing that are current and appropriate for this level of seniority? Is it still a full suit? If so, pant or dress suit? I assume not black, but is it still time for a neutral navy or grey, or should I specifically seek out something a little more bold so I don’t look too junior?
    2) What is appropriate for shoes? During OCI, I would have never worn anything but a pump. Meanwhile, government was a pants and flats culture. Any specific recommendations as my shoes definitely need refreshing?
    3) Have a hair cut and color scheduled. Have picked up a box of Crest White Strips. Am ensuring I’m usually ready with an attractive, neutral manicure. Am trying to loose 5 pounds by tightening up my diet (which is good habit anyways, but sadly also feels helpful for the job hunt). Any other good “glow up” to dos?

    1. Maybe it’s just me, but when I was interviewing associates in a past life I was always impressed by a pantsuit. It seemed like a bolder and more confident choice than a skirt suit, right or wrong. The color didn’t really matter but I’d stick with a neutral and maybe a contrasting shoe. I am not a fan of loafers. I think I’d choose a boot (unless you’re in a super hot climate).

      Thank you for acknowledging that presentation matters. I think we dance around that too much and pretend that it doesn’t. As a woman in her 50s, I 100% think that some of the opportunities I have are dependent on me looking current and put together. It’s not right but it’s reality.

      I wish you the best. I don’t think you need to lose 5 lbs but if it makes you feel more confident, carry on, healthfully.

    2. I interview for people with 5-20 years of experience. The “wish I could coach you on this” thing I see on the junior side is usually dressing too “influencer” – like it’s a colorful oversized blazer over flared pants over platform heels, so while technically the pieces match a description of jacket and pants and heels, it’s not the right kind of dressy.

      On the senior side, I see mostly navy or gray pantsuits or a neutral sheath dress with a non-matching (tweed or linen, depending on season) structured jacket, like a lady jacket or Going Out Blazer type of thing. While something like a The Fold dress can stand in for suiting in meetings once you’re “in,” it’s less common for interviewing.

    3. I would dress conservatively. I would expect everyone to be dressing a bit more somberly (like during a recession) when money is tight and competition is high. A suit sounds right (pants/skirt/dress doesn’t matter) and I think a bit of a heel conveys some seriousness. It certainly doesn’t need to be the tall almond-toe pumps we all wore for OCI.

    4. If this works for you, interviewing mid-career attire is the equivalent of a bankruptcy court trial, not a federal jury trial. I always envision, dress pants, luxurious silk shirt and matching but not same material jacket (e.g., think Channel inspired black blazer with black pants). Or, the dress + jacket combo. I don’t normally see as traditional suits, but it would never be out of place.

    5. What market are you in? What industry are you targeting? My advice for a Bay Area in-house interview or a tech interview would be different than biglaw litigation in DC. Agree with the other posters who say that the very matchy suit in a somber color is a bit too junior in most cases–dress with a tiny bit of personality (color, ruffle, slightly cool jewelry) but still conservative, for most industries.

      Good luck!!!

  7. I’m curious how you talk to your kids, if at all, about inheritance. DH has started receiving annual checks from his parents- about $30k/year. DH and I are a “single pot” household financially. What we usually do is put 1/3 of it directly into his “fun money” account, put 1/3 toward our family vacation fund, and the last 1/3 is thrown into some kind of savings (we’ve been using it in a combo of the kids’ 529s + our long term savings fund) or to knock out a project around the house.

    What this has meant is that my husband’s fun money account has a lot of money in it and he gets to use it on his expensive and fun hobbies (think cars & planes level). I’m wondering if we should ever message that this is partially funded by inheritance to the kids. This is coming up because one of my kids asked why I don’t have a racecar and the actual answer is “because my pot of fun money can afford tickets to races, not a racecar!” I also don’t want to paint it in a “dad has all this money and doesn’t share” light, since he actually very generously puts 2/3 of these annual checks essentially into our common family pool.

    If it matters, we are separately having conversations about the long term inheritance, since there will be additional money from DH’s family when his (mid/late 80s) parents die. We don’t need it, we don’t expect it, but even if they do their best to spend it down in 15 years won’t be alive and there will be money left over. I suspect we will create a trust for the kids that will have a bit of a nest egg for each of the kids, so this issue topic will come up again at some point.

    1. This is the definition of NOT single-pot. He’s making out like a bandit and you’re not. We had an inheritance (much smaller) and it went straight into a shared account at Vanguard with nothing reserved separately for the one named. Our kid will get it all when the time comes.

      At the very least, you should also get a fun money account. This was kind of crazy to read!

      1. I do have a fun money account- before he started getting checks from his parents, we were getting equal amounts to our accounts. Over the years we’ve gone back and forth in terms of income balance; right now he makes about 65% of our income and I make 45% (but I also only work part time). We both get bonuses at work and put 1/3 of the bonus into our fun money account and the rest goes into the general pot.

        I don’t feel like I’m “not sharing” the inheritance money. It feels really weird that I would personally get to spend the checks that are essentially from his great grandmother’s estate (MIL recently inherited $1.5M when her mom, who lived life as a poor rural farmer and saved every penny, died at age 99; that’s when these annual checks started as she has no need for the money and wanted to pass it to DH). When my grandmother died, I got a check for like $3K and it would have been weird to give half to DH to spend on hobbies. We used it to pay off my student loans.

          2. It is very, very common for inheritances (trusts) to be designed to ONLY be inherited by the blood relative and their children. My parents have set their trust up to disburse to only me/my sibling and our children, not our spouses. The idea is to avoid having grandparent’s money being fought over (lost) in a divorce or to fund the second children if the parents die/partner remarries.

          3. Designated is common, I agree, but what you choose to do with the gift isn’t always what the dead would like. I view my marriage differently from my family and would not keep an inheritance separate.

          4. Sure the check might only be written to one person, but most people I know would still use the money jointly. I have in my prenup that should we divorce, we each “reclaim” our inheritance money before we split other assets.

            I also think a one time inheritance is different than an ongoing one. For example, I got 30k when my grandfather died. 29k of it went into investments (shared) and paying down student loans (something we did jointly even though the loans were just mine).

            I took 1k to treat myself to a new to me but used road bike and a Dyson hair dryer. Though, we had also already agreed that we could use non-inherited money for those purchases, I just felt more comfortable waiting until we got a windfall. Would have also happily put less in savings if my husband wanted something big but he purchased his nice bike pre marriage and didn’t have his eye on anything else.

            We dont have officiel fun money; we don’t really track day to day spending (necessities but also eating out and entertainment and fun purchases of less than $200ish) , so long as we’re hitting savings goals.

            As for bigger purchases, it’s usually a matter of when not if (bonus, raise, 3 paycheck month, something to celebrate).

        2. How does he make 65% and you make 45%? I’m asking because it might be a typo, and 65/35 is very different from 55/45.

          1. Ah! It’s about 65/35 right now with me part time. It as been all over the map over the years though.

          2. It’s still pretty amazing to make 35% of total imcome while working full time! No shade at all!

        3. Yeah, I get not wanting to seem greedy about inheritance coming from his side, but this is very much not a single-pot attitude.
          We have a similar situation with some advance inheritance coming in from his side, but we also have big bonuses coming in from my side. For both of those, we share equally.
          To me, that’s great alignment of incentives. He’s delighted when I earn a bonus and we each get an equal amount of it for fun money (like 10%. Most goes to investments or home improvements). It makes me feel like we’re a real team.
          We put the advance inheritance into investment or house improvements. I think if we took fun money out of that, we’d split it the same way we do bonuses.

        4. Well he’s not sharing it. He gets to spend 1/3 of it on whatever he wants for himself. Meanwhile you only split whatever is left over after funding the kids’ 529s and paying for house projects and vacations that also benefit your husband. Do you think his parents intend for your husband to hoard these monthly checks for himself?

    2. I would just tell them the truth, that Daddy’s mommy and daddy buy him racecars but you don’t have money for things like that. And if that sounds awkward, think about whether that’s really the message you want your kids to grow up with.

      1. This. And if he is not comfortable with the truth then he should do different things with his money.

        If you want to build generational wealth, I’d think about cutting back his fun money to $5K and invest the difference for the kids so you can do the same for them eventually.

        1. OP here- this is sort of just a temporary drip of money. The account from which these checks are being written is a lot larger and will eventually pass to my husband as an only child. We have talked high level about what he wants to do with it because it’s sort of blood line money (it’s proceeds from selling family land and has been passed down that way for a few generations now) and I wanted to know his thoughts in case something happened to him and I had to manage it for our kids. When his mom dies, he’ll get the rest of the money and we are going to put that into a trust for our kids, so that piece is already taken care of.

          I think his mom is starting to realize that her mom saved all her life, and she saved all her life, and they can’t spend all their money so she wanted DH to have it to spend.

          1. And I do say that flippantly, but DH’s parents have a lot of money and assets independent of this specific account which is MIL’s account only. FIL has kids from a previous marriage so their intermingled assets are in a separate pot from this very specific money.

      2. This, a thousand times over.

        If it sounds weird explaining it to your kids (and it’s not about, eg, gardening), consider whether or not you should be doing it.

      4. The factual statement seems to be that your husband’s family gives him extra gifts for hobbies, and he shares a lot of this to family savings. Some IL’s give more gifts to their own kid than the spouse, so that’s just being truthful. Different sides of a family typically gift differently to kids anyway (over the top fun gifts vs underwear and socks), so a lot of families have something similar going on if not so extreme.

        That said, if you are working part time to take care of the kids/household more, I would advocate that your salaries be split fully 50/50 at least.

    3. You do not have a single pot finance system if you husband gets this much more fun money than you…

      I understand wanting to protect inheritance money (via a postnup), but this distribution seems unfair. Then again, I was raised in and I am now in a truly one pot system – our fun money is shared and we roughly agree on limits

      1. This- if you want to keep the money separate, you keep it in savings/investments, you don’t just get to blow it all on expensive hobbies.

      2. Ding ding ding! This is not one pot and you are getting the very short end of the stick, OP.

      1. He gets an annual $10k topoff to his fun money account. We both have these accounts.
        He has ONE sports car that is probably around $80k but I pluralized it because he buys and sells them so there have been many over time. I’m not trying to make it sound like he’s living like a king. I do like the up front language of “when Great Granny X died, she left your dad some money so he uses that for his cars- we also used some of her money to do our ABC trip this summer!”- my kids knew Great Granny X a bit and maybe it would be nice to let them know that she funded a big vacation we took.

        1. I still think you should get equal amounts of fun money though. So, his $ is sourced from the inheritance, yours is sourced from income, but it should be the same amount.

        2. I’m confused. Race cars aren’t sports cars. Does he race cars as a hobby? Also planes? It matters because you’re describing a hobbies extravagant enough to need to explain money disparities to the kids but one fancy sports car as a hobby is not the same as racecars and planes. And an extra 10k a year isn’t financing planes and racecars. Also, do you want a race car? I’m confused as to why you’d explain it to your kids like “daddy has more money” if you simply have different hobbies. I wouldn’t explain to young kids that daddy’s hobby is more expensive if what they were really asking is why we have different interests. I’m trying to put this gently so forgive me but does this bother you? Because I’m not sure it’s actually a thing you need to talk to the kids about. Is there any chance that that’s some kind of proxy for exploring your own feelings about the arrangement?

      2. This is what I’m wondering. Unlike a lot of other commenters I think the split of 2/3 towards family, 1/3 for husband pretty much from his grandma is fine. But cars and planes? Maybe he’s been saving up?

        I don’t think telling the kids “great grandma gave dad some money. most of it is in savings for the house or for you (529) but some of it is for dads hobbies.”

    6. Just be honest. My in-laws give my husband and I a separate yearly check, so we each either spend it jointly (house stuff) or on our own priorities (a car, debt, whatever that year brings). This works for us and I’m grateful for their generosity. My parents aren’t in a position to do this.

      We just speak honestly to the kids about it.

      1. Right? OP is using terms she doesn’t understand. They’re a “his and ours” family with no “hers.”

    8. We have a similar issue with inequitable distribution of fun money. DH and I’s annual compensation is generally pretty similar, but my salary is a lot higher and I get a decent bonus once a year. He has a lower salary (he’s an IC in tech, I’m in mgmt at a large company) but has RSUs vest four times a year and a smaller bonus twice a year. What this means is my salary goes towards paying the mortgage and general bills and when he gets his windfalls he starts talking about stuff for himself and house projects. We’ve talked about this for years and it truly has gotten better but it still annoys me every time he acts like he has this new windfall and wants to do some unnecessary yard project, then he calms down and decides to spend a little on himself and put the rest towards savings or 529. On the flip side he really doesn’t question what I spend on clothes, hair, or even larger things for myself like a reading chair.

      The inheritance definitely adds another layer to your dynamic but I think getting him aligned around fun money (and your kids noticing!) is an important step.

      1. I realized while reading some of the responses that what we really need to be doing is talking more openly about it with the kids. I think having them know that Great Granny X’s money paid for a big vacation, will be helping pay for college, and also pays for the fancy car in the garage puts the hobby parts into context.

        The other dynamic is that while I do have plenty of fun money, I don’t really spend it on physical stuff in the way DH does. He does end up with more to spend but even if I spent $10k extra each year, it wouldn’t be obvious to the kids.

        1. I was wondering if you would really buy a race car if you had the money for it. If not, it sounds like part of the answer is that you don’t actually want a race car.

          Though in a single pot situation I think the answer would be that “we” or the family already has a race car!

          1. OP here- I think this is actually the right response. I just don’t care about so think of that stuff as “his” but it really is the family’s and that’s a good response to the kids.

        2. It’s wild to me that he doesn’t at least use some of that money to buy you fancier gifts than he might otherwise. Like a tennis bracelet for a big birthday or anniversary. I just… can’t imagine buying myself cars and planes and not also spoiling the person I love. I get not being materialistic, but my non-materialistic husband still adores the Rolex I got him as a wedding gift (because I thought it was unfair that an engagement present flows from groom to bride but not the other way around).

        3. Why do you feel the need to explain this to your kids in the first place? Are you and your husband living such disparate lifestyles that the kids are noticing? Or are you trying to instill a sense of gratitude for the generosity of Great Granny X rather than establishing the big vacay as a thing they are entitled to?

      2. With the caveat that I don’t spend a ton on clothes and hair (quarterly haircuts and 2x a year dye – I could spend a lot more), I don’t think it’s fair for general personal maintenance to count against your fun budget. I don’t think women should be subject to the pink tax at home – sure we don’t need fancy clothing, make up, professional hair, but if you want it thats fine and should be okay, as long as it fits the family finances. Clothing is hard, because fashion is a hobby for some but also it’s a necessity. I guess the equitable thing there is to set an amount for clothing budget for each, and if you go over then it’s fun money?

        I’d love to get my nails done more than I do, but I’ve always felt that way (didn’t get them done frequently when I was single either).

        Basically, we both just kept our pre-combined finances personal grooming budgets as the baseline – thats normal spending for us and nothing from fun money. And also, for us fun money is really fast and loose – rough amounts but not strict limits.

    9. This is not single pot. I get $16k per year from my mother and most of it goes right into our joint investment account at Vanguard, with a few grand going into 529s. Married, 3 kids.

    10. That seems like the opposite of single pot finances, which means all money is shared.

      But to answer your question about telling your kids about inheritance, I will likely inherit low to mid seven figures when my parents pass and my kids have no idea. It doesn’t seem worth discussing at this point because it’s not a sure thing. The only money we receive from my parents currently is college contributions and my (early elementary age) kids are aware that money is being saved for their college but not the details of who is contributing how much. I don’t think they need to know that at this stage. Of course at the point at which they go to college we’ll communicate that the grandparents helped significantly so they can thank them appropriately.

    11. We’re pretty open about it – I literally had this conversation with my teens in the car yesterday as my parents are setting up a family trust to get ahead of the 5-yr medicare look back guidelines. They asked ‘how much money they’ll get’ and after laughing (it was a tongue in cheek comment) we talked about how it’s very likely this money will all be used for elder care. IF there is additional money left it will fund our retirement/their college funds. Anything after that will go into trusts for them that they will only be able to touch at 35 or before for an approved expense (healthcare, education, first home purchase). This all made sense to them (especially when I explained how much per month good homecare/elder care facilities are).
      We also talk fairly regularly about money – I work which is unusual in our private school circles and we talk about how my salary/insurance means that we can afford nicer vacations/private school. We don’t have any ‘family money’ (aside from this possible trust) so we also talk about what kind of support they can expect for college and what type of lifestyles can be sustained on what type of salaries.

      1. You mean 5 year Medicaid look back. ie. How to hide your parents’ money so that you can inherit more, if your parents need expensive long term care – so I/we (people of the US) can pay for your parents’ Nursing Home care instead. That’s one legal/tax loophole we should be changing

        If you are rich enough to be considering these options, you really shouldn’t really be doing it. When our family lawyer brought it up with my father late in life as an option he should pursue, he said No.
        “Someone needs to pay…. why shouldn’t it be me?” My father was the best.

    12. This isn’t single pot the way you’re describing it… one joint account, where both spouses share “fun money” discretion, is single pot. Maybe one year one of you spends more “fun money” than the other (like if you have a girls’ trip or whatever) but over time it is generally balanced.

      What would you expect to happen with an inheritance from your side of the family? Would you keep 1/3 of it for just yourself or would you picture it funding a nicer care facility for both of you? Travels for both of you?

    14. This seems inequitable. If you are truly a one-pot family, any windfall such as a gift from parents or a bonus should be used to benefit the entire family, either to address immediate needs or to save for long-term goals. It’s wasteful and selfish to blow an infusion of cash that could make a massive difference in the family’s overall financial picture on “fun money” for one person. My husband received two small inheritances and used them for a down payment on our house, a badly needed new family car, and college tuition for our daughter. Any future inheritance will probably be used to help our daughter.

    15. Wait whaaaat? I’m the one who has inheritance money from my parents and it would NEVER occur to me that it is just for me and fun. That’s wild. Admittedly, we’ve commingled a lot of assets such that I would certain lose out if we separated but that’s a price I’m certainly willing to pay!

      2. I posted above and it’s a little more nuanced in that DH’s parents have separate finances. They have one set of combined assets and MIL has a side account that has her mother’s (DH’s grandmother) assets in it that she inherited. It is from this account that DH is getting checks as he’s the only heir to that money. FIL has kids from a first marriage. When MIL dies, her side account goes to DH, not FIL. When both MIL and FIL die, DH gets 2/3 of his parents joint estate and his half sister gets 1/3 (or something like that, not sure on the specifics).

        DH’s grandmother was very specific that her assets NOT go to FIL- not out of malice, just out of “this is family money” or whatever. Nobody has really cared because she’s said that from since before MIL and FIL got married in like 1965 and MIL and FIL are independently wealthy. This annual check writing business is because MIL decided she doesn’t need the money and wants someone to enjoy it.

        If GMIL were alive, I’m certain she would want DH to get 100% of this money and have it completely separate from me, and have DH just save it for, idk what, passing on to his kids? His mom says she doesn’t care what’s done with it, but also, she’s very careful to write the checks specifically to DH :).

        1. The thing is, it only matters what your husband wants to do with his inherited money not what his parents or grandparents want. Once the money passes, it’s his. I have a very similar situation but we are truly one pot and I don’t share the family money ethos of my relatives so I will not treat things that way. This is a conversation for you and your husband separately from his family.

        2. I don’t have kids and didn’t inherit this amount of money, but the money was also from my grandmother who had similar views. I think it’s disrespectful to the gifter to disregard their wishes for their money. I think we can do what we want with money we earn, but informal strings should be treated like formal ones. I will say my grandmother also communicated that to all of us while she was alive. My money is not for your partners kind of thing (and also you shouldn’t expect that money anyway). I think it’s important to educate kids on inheritance of any size and what a gift is intended to do for them (x amount for travel, x amount for education or whatever).

    16. I’ll share a bit of a different position. We’re mostly one pot in our house, and we’re pretty lose about making sure things are “fair” – if I want something big, I buy it, same with my husband. But we have always treated inheritances differently, in a way that sounds similar to the OP – that’s a gift given from a relative, and in our family is treated as separate property that belongs to the recipient. To date, we’ve only received amounts that are pretty inconsequential, but when my dad passes, I will inherit multiple millions of dollars. Over the years, he has also given me money, some of which we used jointly (downpayment, e.g.), and some of which has a dual purpose, but I keep it separately (stocks, 529 accounts e.g.). Obviously when I inherit from my dad, much of the money will be used jointly, and for our children. For example, if we bought a new house, I wouldn’t put it in my name only. But at the end of the day, it will stay “my” money. And it should! For the practical purpose if nothing else, that if we divorce, under our state law, it’s my separate property.

      1. Oh, and also, my husband’s family owns a lot of land, including a family ranch that will be passed down to him and his siblings + cousins. I have zero expectation that that land will belong to me – that would be weird – and if he sold his interest, I would consider that money in the same way I described above.

      2. +1 to this approach. I think it’s pretty common for ‘family money’ like this to be passed down only to blood relatives because of divorce and all sorts of other considerations.
        From all my reading of regency novels I think of this as the ‘dowry’ or trusts some women were given that ensured they had their own funds as a safety measure.

      3. +1. Practically speaking, this is the way inheritances are handled with most wealthier families (I am a T&E lawyer, so I see this a lot). OP- your husband is not being selfish, what he is doing is totally normal. And yes, as someone below rightly pointed out, inheritances are separate property…but there is no rule that they cannot be comingled. If he wants to co-mingle 2/3 and keep 1/3 as his fun money (roughly equivalent to separate property), that is totally fine.

        1. It may be totally normal amongst the wealthy clients who come to you specifically for help keeping their finances separate, but that doesn’t mean it’s normal in society at large.

        2. I’m the OP and I didn’t ask if what he was doing is selfish. I don’t think it is at all, and if I did, he would be open to a discussion/negotiation about it. We have a very comfortable lifestyle! My question was more how to talk to the kids about it and even though this convo went sideways along the threads of fairness, I think I did get a good answer along the way.

          I also want the kids to know that we do not take annual trips to nice places on just our income alone so they aren’t confused when they grow up and can’t make it happen without family help.

    17. Yet another example of people not answering the question that the OP asked!! She is not asking whether this distribution is “fair” (news flash – being gifted $30K a year is not “fair”). She is not displaying any resentment that her husband “only” puts two-thirds of his separate money (which at least in my state he does not have to share with her at all) into their joint accounts. She is asking how to explain this to her kids.

      OP – I would wait. If your kids ask, you can just very generally say that “Grandma gave Dad the money to buy that because she knows he loves it and she inherited money from her mother and wants to give some to him.” I would drop periodic references to the vacations you can afford because Great-Grandma was very careful and responsible with her money and Grandma was generous about sharing.” But be careful unless you plan on being equally careful and responsible such that you can do the same for your children (assuming that is even something you want) because inheriting a lot of money and then planning on spending down your estate so that there is nothing left can breed resentment.

      Also everyone – chill. It is $10K a year. He is not living a life of luxury while his wife is working in a sweatshop and living in a shack. His mother is entitled to give and he is entitled to keep a gift that is just to him and not to them both.

        1. Maybe this is petty but I’d be very tempted to send the kids to Dad “It’s his money/he was gifted the extra funds, so maybe it’s better that he’s the one to explain those choices” + subject change. Whatever choices y’all want to make is fine with me but it grates on me that *yet again* a woman is doing extra emotional labor while a man frolics around with planes and racecars/sportscars with his “fun money” he got from his parents. Now it’s one thing if you want to bring it up, but if they ask…return awkward back to sender!

      2. Yes but her question is about how to discuss it with kids because they notice it’s inequitable!!!

        Nothing in marriage is ever 50-50 (division of labor, income, time spent at work), but I’ll be d@mned if it’s so inequitable that my kids notice it.

        Our goal is for over the long term things to be equitable but recognizing that they’re never 50-50 day in and day out.

    18. I’m feeling pretty good my DH and I are both from a working class background with no family money. I can’t imagine him buying high ticket cars and planes just for himself, and yikes that your child is old enough to notice and ask questions. That’s not the message I would want our kid to learn. You’re modeling behavior that’s very inequitable. Coincidentally, I have the nicest car because my DH wants me and our child to be comfortable and safe!

    19. This isn’t an issue of a conversation you need to have with the kids, it’s a conversation you need to have with your husband. In nearly every state, inheritance will be his separate property if it is not co-mingled. That nest egg in the future will be entirely his if you ever split up. Right now, it seems like based on your post he is keeping his share, spending it on fun things, and the whole system is not equitable.

    20. You tell your children that you don’t have a fancy car because daddy is not sharing. Your husband is selfish.

    21. I guess I was raised to view family money differently than how your husband is treating it. I view inheritance as a (my side of the) family asset that has been entrusted to me to preserve for the next generation. I do not view it as mine to do with as I please. I also do not view it as husband’s money. I view the interest as mine to use if needed, but even that, I usually re-invest. I wouldn’t touch the principal unless I was about to lose my house or life. I gasped that your husband is putting 1/3 into fun money that he just blows on big boy toys. I have a visceral negative reaction to that.

    23. This discussion is strange to me because commenters seem to be insisting that even though H receives gifts from his parents that both must share in them equally as though they are community property. They aren’t so it seems like treating only 1/3 as separate property is generous. My H received a very large inheritance from an uncle and I have never asked him to share it. I also receive annual gifts from parents and I always put it into a separate account. Why tell your kids anything?

      1. The kids are asking why daddy has a race car and mommy doesn’t. OP is asking how to answer them, and we are responding that there is a reason why they are asking. They see that it’s odd.

        1. The answer is because mommy doesn’t want a race car.
          No further explanation is necessary.

          Because of the large gift she/ her family has received of $20k going to savings and vacations, she could ask her husband if her a proportion of her income going to savings/vacations can be decreased a bit so that she has a bit more fun money, if there is something she wants to buy.

          It is very common to keep inheritances in separate accounts. Any decent family/divorce lawyer would tell you that.

          Of course, a middle aged many buying race cars… what the? But that’s a different issue.

    24. I’m assuming you guys are pretty well off? Each year we get some found money from my husband’s bonus and my parents writing a $15000 check; both of those go towards family vacations in part but i also try to invest a big chunk of my parents’.

  8. recommendation for restaurant near 45th and 7th for brunch before a matinee that takes reservations. don’t have strength to google this myself, happy for quick answer. thanks!

    1. This actually isn’t easily google-able. In general NYC isn’t big on brunch reservations and I feel like it’s especially hard in that neighborhood. Barking Dog is ok. I haven’t been but have heard good things about Lilly’s. If you’re open to not eating nearby the show, The Smith is excellent and takes reservations.

    3. there’s a hotel right near there — the Westin on 43rd – that has always been good for a drink/dinner before a show, not sure what their brunch setup is like.

  9. recommendation for restaurant near 45th and 7th for brunch before a matinee that takes reservations. don’t have strength to google this myself, happy for quick answer. thanks!

      3. wait why? not like she said it backwards (it’s always st then ave). The philly equivalent is you would always say “16th and market” never “market and 16th”

          2. My husband but then-boyfriend took me to NYC for the first time and wasn’t telling me where we were going. He had the address on 5th Ave and was giving this street address to people and no one knew where he wanted to go. As it turned it, it was THE MET. 30 years later, we still joke about it.

    2. Glass House Tavern, Cafe Un Deux Trois, Friedman’s at the Edison, or Avra at Rockefeller Center.

  10. Fed here (for now – obviously yesterday’s OPM and OMB memo has put the writing on the wall…) and I was just looking around the office this morning and I got literal chills about the service to our country and citizens in the room. My department requires long (weeks to months) (and often frequent due to staffing) TDYs in austere environments with minimal (usually hours maybe a day or two) notice. Probably over half of our office has military, peace corps, or Americorps service before joining this office. People leave their children, families, and homes at a moments notice to serve others.

    The amount of good that has been done, the impressive amount of time served, and the things that have been witnessed by people in this room is inspiring. Even more inspiring is that for us, it’s just another Wednesday. I’ve been doing the work for years and it just “hit” me today because this level of service is so normal.

      1. Never mind, of course you mean the reduction in force memo. Just thought that was older than yesterday 🙃

  11. I had posted yesterday asking if other people enjoy the multi day bachelorette parties – it looks like others don’t either. I agree that it takes a good host and good planning to have a trip with different groups of people go off well. It seems like at least some other people don’t enjoy them.

    So why are we doing them? I get that the brides friends are more likely to live in different places now so everyone has to fly, but also a bachelorette party with everyone is not a must. It could just be with local people.

    Brides who did a bachelorette trip did you enjoy yours? Do you think all your friends did? If the bride has a good time at least thats something.

    1. I’m also curious about the ages of people doing these trips. I’m mid-40s with teens so this very much was not a thing when I got married. Flying was also SO much more expensive back in the day and with the 2007/08 crash most people either couldn’t or wouldn’t take the time/money for long trips.
      I strongly suspect cheaper flights/last minute deal websites in the mid-2010s spearheaded this change and I wonder if we’ll see the pendulum swing back towards simpler things as the economy/jobs are more uncertain?

      1. Yeah I’m 39 and got married in 2011 and they were not a thing then among my friend group, but I think the recession was probably a factor. My friends and I also mostly got married pretty young (<30) and no one was super well off. Most of us had gone to grad, law or med school, so the latter two groups had loans and the former group had been surviving on a small stipend for years.

        Only 2 of my 5 bridesmaids were anywhere near me (2 were across the country and 1 was on a different continent), which contributed to me and my husband choosing to make our bach night joint and part of our wedding weekend so we could include them all. But most people just had a one day event with their local friends, even if it wasn't the whole wedding party. I only flew to one bach party, but it was for my high school BFF and in my hometown, so my parents provided free lodging and I only had to buy my plane ticket and a couple drinks for the bride. And since I got to see my parents I put it more in the "family visit" bucket of my budget. I definitely would not have been spending $2k to fly to Charleston for a long weekend of fancy meals out anything like that.

    2. I missed yesterday’s thread. I have been to 6 bachelorettes (and I’m only 30! Half of my friends are still single!)

      They’re very hit or miss, which 100% depends on the people. The chiller ones have been the best – I’ve only been to one big stereotypical (Nashville, going out in themed outfits) one and I hated it, mostly because I didn’t gel with the brides college friends and I’m not a huge partier anymore and everyone else was.

      Others have been beach or lake ones – no dress codes (or very limited ones like the bride bought everyone a shirt to wear), chill activities, and either drinking at the house or going out but not clubbing.

      I don’t love when I have to fly, but I also recognize that with friends living all over the country someone will always have to travel far so that’s fine. I don’t mind the concept of an overnight one, but I do mind when it’s logistically difficult (no direct flights) or expensive. If I like the other women it’s usually quite fun, but that’s a big if.

    3. I loved them, it was such a fun time of life. I have a lot of friends who all meshed well, we went on spa weekends and Vegas vacations. No one had kids yet and those are some wonderful memories. I didn’t get married until my 40s so I didn’t throw my own at that point. Life is what you make of it and having a good attitude can change your experience of just about anything.

        1. Yes but, they didn’t necessarily know each other before these trips and everyone made a point of making it work. There wasn’t as much wedding negativity back then so that probably helped.

      2. Yeah, I missed yesterday’s post, but I would have said that I’ve been to a couple and enjoyed them both, in different degrees mostly depending on my familiarity and comfort with the other guests. The best was 6 close friends girls/graduation trip that also squished in some bachelorette events. The least fun was a 15 person mixed bag of friends for someone I knew through work, but even that wasn’t bad, just didn’t let my hair down as much.

    4. I must be in the minority, because I’ve been to several multi-day bachelorette parties and have enjoyed all but one of them (the bride was a total bridezilla and we all knew in advance that she would be, she’s very type A++++). I also enjoy girls weekends with my college friends, which always involve a flight because half of us are spread out across the west coast and half of us are spread out across the east coast.

      For my friends that have done the multi-day bachelorette parties, it’s not just that a few people don’t live locally – it’s that maybe 2-3 people live locally and the vast majority of the wedding party and other close friends are not local.

      1. I do enjoy girls trips etc a lot – I’m realizing that maybe it just comes down to how well the group knows each other and meshes. Girls trips are within a group of friends, so presumably everyone knows and likes each other. The trips I’m talking about were more like 2 HS friends, 4 college friends, 3 work friends etc

    5. I had one and I love going to them, even post kids. I’m 38.

      Here’s why I like them:
      – My friends (college, grad school) don’t all live in the same place, so the bachelorette trips were a nice way to meet up for some quality in person bonding time.
      – I love meeting friends of my close friends, and have made life long friends this way! My college BFF’s high school BFF lives in my city although my college BFF does not, and now I’m really close with her high school BFF. One of my former coworkers had a bachelorette, and afterwards a lot of her friends all ended up having their first kids within 6 months of each other, including me. I had met them all in person at her bachelorette and now we have a text chain for kid/work balance support, and I swing by to see them when I’m visiting their cities.
      – The ones I’ve been to have been well planned in terms of ensuring the budget is clear and planning mix of events accommodates everyone coming. So they poll in advance about budget, locations, dates, types of activities and then decide on a plan. Then they clearly communicate those the plan and costs, and let people opt in and out of the trip/activities on that basis. This might vary based on friend group but our higher earning friends (myself included) will offer to pay more for lodging/share credit card points for flights to ensure everyone can come and have fun.

      My friends have liked doing this so much that when we stopped having weddings as frequently, we plan similar trips periodically.

      1. Also many of my friends who got married later planned milestone trips when they were single instead of waiting to do a bachelorette (e.g., making partner at their law firm, finishing grad school, etc.). Lots of reasons to celebrate!

    6. IMO it’s a vicious cycle. The first person getting married wants a big trip and the bridesmaids say yes because weddings are still a novelty. Then the later brides feel like they deserve it because they’ve spent so much time and money on trips for other friends over the years, and now it’s their turn. I’m one of the later weddings in my circle and I’m going to have a one night bachelorette party with local friends only. Everyone is short on PTO and money from attending so many destination weddings and bachelorette trips so I don’t want to ask them to travel even though I did it for them in the past. Break the cycle!

      1. Thank you.
        I do not understand how all these young people have both money and time for this.

        1. Credit cards, baby! But also likely cheap flights, groupons or other deals, and flexible jobs where they can switch shifts or simply ask for time off on a calendar (this is early 20s, not office-type jobs).

    7. I’ve only been to a few and have flown to an awesome one in Memphis where everyone gelled well.

      I would not have fared well with anything with a dress code. We don’t even have that at work, haven’t for decades, and at least with work clothes or suits, you can re-use them. IMO, you don’t rewear dress code clothes from a batchelor*tte weekend. I think I would have gone to gather material for my anthropology PhD thesis, should I ever return to school, or Hallmark movie spec script. v

    8. I didn’t have a bacherlorette trip (my bridesmaids were literally all over the world), but I have been to some multiday ones that I enjoyed. I think they’re better if it’s mostly people that already know each other and have similar interests. One was mostly friends from college. We are nerds. We went to an escape room and some other nerdy things. Another one (also college friends) we did whiskey tastings and went to the Kentucky Derby. I honestly have no idea why friend decided to do this as she doesn’t like horses/horse racing, but I do, and we had a great time.

    9. Because only people who do not like them bother to complain about them. And piling on is a real thing.

      I love bachelorette parties. I love the ones that are one night with a limo within driving distance. I love the fancy tea and spa day ones. I love the multi-day at a beach house or resort ones. I have been to some that are more fun than others (usually when I know more people) but have never been to one I did not enjoy. I have always been sad when I had to turn down an invite (work, advanced pregnancy, just could not make the money work), but fortunately have never had a friend who held that against me. And I have never had friends who planned something as ridiculous as what I see on Reddit (no matching outfits for example) or who failed to take the the location and finances of people she really wanted to attend into account.

      I am helping to plan one now and it is going to be a weekend at the beach because the MOH’s parents offered their beach house. Bride’s mom is stocking the house with food and drinks and is having dinner delivered Saturday night. Two-thirds of the attendees will have to travel varying distances but there was no avoiding that given that we are mostly scattered all over the west coast. The goal is to keep out of pocket costs aside from airfare under $500 (mostly for the spa day – although you can get a day pass for $50 and MOH and I are paying for the bride). At least one person we would have liked to attend cannot (she is in grad school across the country and her internship is not flexible) so we are sending her a bottle of champagne so she can be with us in spirit. And I certainly hope everyone who attends has fun and are not secretly complaining about it on the internet!

      1. The one you are planning sounds both fun and generally reasonable in what it demands (though personally I still would not have been able to go if airfare were involved most years). And I appreciate that the response to someone not making it is to send her something to make her feel included rather than nagging and ostracizing her.

      2. This sounds reasonable! Very nice of the brides mom to stock the house and do one dinner. All that helps guests feel like they’ve been invited to something, not subsidizing something. The Reddit stories are dramatic for sure, but not beyond the pale. Looks like it basically depends on how expensive/involved the bachelorette is and the group that is going.

    10. Mid-40s here. I did not have a party for myself and have never attended one for anyone else (including my sisters). If any of my friends had one and I just wasn’t invited or declined to attend, I don’t remember it. A few of my younger cousins threw big bashes and I politely declined to attend. Zero regrets about any of that.

      I make decent money now but even still, I live a much more frugal lifestyle than many on this board. There was no way my broke 20-something self was going to spend multiple years’ worth of vacation money throwing or attending a party. Kind of like going to Disney: that just wasn’t the concept of fun for any of my friend circle.

      1. I’ve attended several and most cost a few hundred dollars. For example, the first one I went to was in 2022 in St. Pete Beach. $150ish for my flight (Spirit), $200ish for my share of the Airbnb, $75ish fir shared groceries and alcohol, then my portion of 2 dinners out and 1 night of drinks.

        1. Yeah, as a broke 20-something, “a few hundred dollars” was my entire grocery budget for several months. I wasn’t interested in hitting up food banks in order to party.

    11. I think a lot of it is that people live in different places, and having everyone there is more important to a lot of people. Mine was a little bit of a hybrid. I personally don’t enjoy group travel so a bachelorette weekend was not what I wanted, and I had a party on one day/night in the city where most of my friends live (I actually didn’t live there anymore but I was/am back often so it was easy for me), but it meant a ton to me that several friends did travel for it.

    12. Cynical me says we are doing them because of lifestyle creep and social media. Young people have a distorted sense of what life should be and what they deserve. Previous generations, a trip to an island or fabulous resort was a once-in-a-lifetime event (at least until you were middle age and had “made it”). Now kids do this with their families on spring break each year.

      (And while I don’t think avocado toast and lattes are ruining your plans to buy a house, attending multiple destination bachelorettes surely is!!)

      1. This is where I land. When I was married in the early aughts, “wedding weekend” meant the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, only local people attended the bridal shower, and there was no such thing as a bach weekend. Not even among my wealthier friends. We could barely afford to attend our friends’ weddings and had to end up prioritizing; I don’t know how we would have managed travel for one or two additional events per wedding. Besides the expense, there’s also the consideration of PTO.

        1. I wonder if age at time of marriage is a factor in all this creep as well. People are marrying later now, especially women with careers that pay well enough to enable so many multi-day events. I’m getting married at 38 (and not doing any of this because it’s not for me). The resources my friends and I have now compared to when we were 25 (when my mom got married, for example) is vast.

          1. I’ve actually thought of this as a trend for 25-30yos. Women who are young enough to not have many responsibilities, or a good grasp on delayed gratification/compounding interest, so they feel like they have all this money to spend

          2. In terms of money, sure. But I actually think most women have a harder time taking time off work in their late 30s vs mid-20s because they’re more likely to have a more demanding career (vs. being in grad school or in the fungible early career stages) and they’re way more likely to have caregiving obligations to kids and elderly parents.

        2. I went to bachelorette parties in the 90s, but they tended to be a one night local bar crawl, not destination trips.

      2. I am 58 and went to a lot of weekend bachelorette parties in the 90s and a several in the early aughts (and turned down one because I was eight months pregnant). I suspect this depends on your friend group and finances but it is not a new phenomena.

      3. I think it’s also the lifestyle creep in earlier life milestones. If you buy the equivalent of a wedding dress, hair, nails, makeup, limo, flowers, etc. for your junior and senior prom, you throw a wedding-level graduation party, you throw a wedding-level 21st birthday, etc., then what the heck are you going to do for your actual supposed-to-be-once-in-a-lifetime event?

        I got married in 2008, and all my friends were broke, most lived at least several hours away from where we got married. Everyone came in on Thursday morning before our Saturday wedding.

        My parents paid for hotel rooms as part of their wedding gift, got our nails done, and went to dinner at a nicer restaurant. My sister was only 17, so we couldn’t go to any bars or clubs, so we just played silly bachelorette games in the hotel room to celebrate.

        We did some last-minute wedding to-dos on Friday and had the rehearsal + rehearsal dinner that night.

        Wedding get ready/pics/ceremony/reception on Saturday, with everything ending by like 9pm, and then husband and I off to our hotel.

        When my sister got married, and we had a similar cadence. My parents paid to rent a house for all the bridesmaids, since most came from out of town, so we hosted gifts/games at the house, 1 night around town with a few of the additional local girls who weren’t bridesmaids staying at the house, and then standard wedding getting ready stuff Friday/Saturday.

        1. Agree 100%. I’ll even lump in things like bringing your kid flowers for the elementary school chorus concert or dance recital. When you make EVERYTHING a to-do, with some sort of bauble, then it ratchets up expectations for everything else.

          1. This is so funny because I was just talking about this. There is so much pressure to make your kids’ childhood magical. I joke that I do not want to give my kids a magical childhood. I want to give them the love, support and structure so they can make their own adulthood magical.

    13. I’m a millennial, went on 1 bach trip in mid/late twenties, and my own in late twenties/early thirties. They were both super fun & I’m very confident every had a great time. Small groups – either everyone was already friends to varying degrees, budgets were discussed & timing/location etc via survey, bride paid her share, and everyone in the group was a girls’ girl that liked to travel. Well organized. But I also love girls’ trips and we were at a stage in life it was affordable.

      The worst bach I was part of was fully local! And a mess because of way too many people, unorganized bride/MOH, etc.

    1. Eh, we knew there were idiots when they voted for Trump, but I’m beyond schadenfreude. So many people are going to get hurt in ways we can’t even imagine. I’m including upper middle class white people in addition to those with less privilege, if the traditional stock markets where all of our retirements crater as crypto and tech bros take over. I’m having difficulty following conversations about bachelorettes and inheritances – everyday life for everyone is about to change as we know it. It’s the definition of fiddling while Rome burns. Maybe it’s human nature to be optimistic and go along with normal life as long as possible, but I’m finding it hard to do so.

      1. I do agree. I think we’re in for a true cratering of the economy, not least because thousands of people are suddenly losing their jobs as inflation and tariffs will drive prices up higher. It feels viscerally scary in a way that 2016 didn’t.

        1. Don’t time the market and all that, but recession is written all over the walls…

      2. Not only bachelorettes and expensive vacations, but I’d think carefully about having children if I were in that position right now.

      3. I am admire you – I become almost dizzy with rage when I think about how they were fine with all the cr*p he promised happening to other but can’t believe it happened to little ole them. And then to go on the record admitting to being one of those people. Wouldn’t it be easier to wear a sign that said “I’m a dummy” on their forehead?

          1. And still don’t regret their votes! This quote: He said he had “proudly” voted for Trump. “But at this point, I mean obviously, I never would have expected things to go this far. I’m still in shock,” he added. “To say whether I regret that vote, I don’t want to go as far as to say that.”

      4. Agreed. It’s wild to me too, but there are folks around here that would just tell me to channel my (legitimate concerns) into therapy because we are all overreacting…

  13. Does anyone have any good suggestions for how to support of Fed employee friends these days? I’m a private practice attorney, but have many friends in all different agencies, in all different kinds of roles. I’ve sent memes and general texts that I’m thinking about them, but is there anything else I can do? I’ve never been through anything like this, on a scale like this. 2008 was maybe similar, but at least it felt like it was industry specific. Any Feds have any suggestions for what we can do to support you?

    1. Help connect people to job openings and share your network. That means way more than a meme.

    2. Fed here: Just checking in with them is very helpful – it’s nice to feel seen and like people care.

      When they do lose jobs, bring over a bottle of wine for a vent session.

      Offer to review resumes and cover letters and make connections to your network. Be a sounding board as they’re discussing jobs and options. Provide input if asked.

    3. 1) serious resume review (hour plus, deep reads). Federal resumes are a weird breed and people need help restructuring them.

      2) help people get jobs. Open up your network. Talk to your firm. There are so many people who need jobs.

      3) offer free CLEs and share information with your former fed friends.

      4) Listen to them. Invite them over for wine. This is going to be a long slog.

    4. Help your friends get jobs. Invite them to networking events, sponsor them for memberships, connect them with your network.

  14. Im very unhappy with some of the recent NYTimes and WaPo reporting, but am not sure what other news sources I should be looking at. I don’t want anything too crazy partisan, but would prefer to support things that are more critically viewing the actions of the administration. Where should I be reading and subscribing?

    2. The Atlantic, The Conversation, and The Guardian generally have great reporting. They are left-leaning (and don’t pretend otherwise), but The Atlantic offers diverse perspectives and The Guardian offers a British perspective, which I find helpful.

    3. I’d check commonwealth news. BBC, CBC etc are not going to bow down and tell it as it is.

    5. I enjoy The Majority Report for commentary/opinion. It is facially partisan, so don’t start there for basic news gathering, but the critiques are thoughtful and you can seek balance from other opinion sources if you want.

  15. Talk to me about wearing navy and black: it’s fine as long as it’s clear that it was a deliberate choice and I didn’t think I had grabbed a matching outfit out of the closet, yes? Also, can I wear black shoes with a deep navy suit? TIA!

    1. yes to both imo. I actually don’t like trying to match navy shoes to a navy outfit, because navy comes in so many different shades that tend to clash.

    2. I do black with navy but prefer not black for a very dark navy.

      When I do black and navy, I make sure to incorporate black somewhere other than my shoes so it looks intentional. Like shoes and belt or shoes and earrings or shoes and blouse with some black in the pattern.

    3. Yes, fine to mix. The only exception is a super dark navy that doesn’t have any contrast really with black and looks like it’s an accident because you dressed in the dark. But black shoes are always fine.

    4. Yes on the black shoes with a dark navy suit. I’m also a huge fan of cognac shoes with any shade of navy, over navy shoes. Pro tip though – the hugo boss navy and black are so close together in the morning light of your closet that I HIGHLY advise not buying them in the same style of suit.

      1. I intentionally keep my black suiting pieces at one end of my closet and navy at the other for this very reason.

    5. Fine if it’s a lighter navy. If you have to hold the navy up to the light to tell for sure it’s not black, then that’s too close.

    6. It works best if you add another neutral to the mix, like gray and maybe a pop of cream/ white.

    7. I don’t do navy shoes, as a rule they tend to look old fashioned. I like neutrals with navy: black, tan, burgundy. Depending on the outfit and the shoe, a pop of red looks good too, especially with red nails or something else to make it look intentional

    8. This is why I LOVE my J.Crew jacket for a few years ago that is navy with black trim. I t makes the mixing so easy.

  16. This feels like such a silly question but help me out. I know tucking in shirts is out (yes?) But this does not apply to suits, right? Or am I supposed to be selecting shirts that I don’t need to tuck in even with a suit?

    I’ll probably do it anyway but I’m curious what the current trend/“rule” is.

    1. I don’t think it’s “out” at all, it’s a style option that’s going to look right and wrong depending on the rest of what you’re wearing.

    2. I thought a full tuck plus a belt is quite in right now. But do not accept anything I say about fashion as actually true.

    5. Haha okay thank y’all for saving me from myself. I have no idea what fashion is fashiony apparently.

  17. Need some book recommendations and you guys always have good suggestions. I primarily read fantasy/sci-fi (which includes a lot of romantasy these days). Authors I love everything they write include: Brandon Sanderson, SA/Sharon Chakraborty, Leigh Bardugo. Read/enjoyed pretty much all Sarah J Maas, Fourth Wing, OUtlander, Alix E. Harrow’s books, Deborah Harkness. On the YA side of things, Robin McKinley and Tamora Pierce are good. Frequently recommended books I didn’t like are the Temeraire series (but did like Scholomance), the Fifth Season, and Gideon the Ninth. I will occasionally read historical fiction or nonfiction (really liked both of Laura Hillenbrand’s books, and Kate Quinn’s are pretty good) and anything by Bill Bryson. I already have The Priory of the Orange Tree in my library queue, but what other recommendations do you have?

    1. Based on the authors you love I HIGHLY recommend Robin Hobb’s Realm of the Elderlings (starts with Assassin’s Apprentice). She is such a fantastic writer.

    2. These are all more fantasy leaning than sci-fi, but for newer series, how about Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Fairies, and the Cruel Prince series. And Margaret Rogerson’s Sorcery of Thorns leans a little more YA but is good. For some older recommendations, I’d suggest Bujold’s The Curse of Chalion, Nix’s Abhorsen series, and Sherwood Smith’s Crown Duel.

    3. Hi book twin (nearly!) – some fun author’s that I’d suggest are Ilona Andrews (the Innkeeper series is fun and not as spicy, the Hidden Legacy series is probably the spiciest). Seanan McGuire is wonderful and has a huge backlog for you to dive into – the October Daye series is a favorite but the Incryptid series is a lot of fun too. Emily Wilde’s encycolopedia of Fairyland series is sweet and fun – the last one felt a bit rushed but I enjoyed the first two a lot. Deborah Harkness writes the Discovery of Witches series which is divisive but I enjoyed – it’s heavier and more academic, but if you like NK Jemisin I’d give it a shot.
      Lighter recent faves are The Spellshop, A Letter to the Luminous Deep, and Vivian Shaw’s Greta Van Helsing series.

    4. The Foxglove King by Hannah F. Whitten and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.

    5. Ohh, this is very similar to my taste. Definitely second the rec for Robin Hobb, some other books you might enjoy:

      – Sabriel Series by Garth Nix
      – Babel by RF Kuang
      – Will of the Many by James Islington
      – The Goblin Emperor by Katerine Addison
      – Sword Crossed by Freya Marske
      – Crown Duel/Court Duel by Sherwood Smith
      – Paladin’s Grace by T. Kingfisher
      – The Rook by Daniel O’Malley

    6. Thanks, all! And I can’t believe I forgot to include Crown Duel–it’s actually probably my favorite book.

      1. Would definitely recommend Summers at Castle Auburn then, since it has a very similar “feel” to Crown Duel, i.e., court intrigue and light fantasy.

    7. Have you tried any of the series from Ilona Andrews? They (wife and husband team) have three series. I think they would each fall into romantasy.

      Patricia Briggs has two modern world series that fall into that category, too. They are interwoven, so a few characters cross between them.

    10. A few suggestions:
      Riyria series by Michael J Sullivan – there are a lot, suggest starting with the original ones (Theft of Swords, Rise of Empire, Avempartha, Heir of Novron).

      The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern is similar but not exactly along the lines of the series/types of books you listed, more magical realism than true sci-fi or fantasy, but it is a beautiful book. Also in the magical realism/historical fiction realm, you could try A Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley.

      V.E. Schwab’s books also come to mind. The Shades of Magic books are good, and you’ll likely enjoy if you enjoyed A Discovery of Witches series. The Invisible Life of Addie la Rue is also a fan favorite. She has a deep back catalog some more YA than others.

    12. How are you with steampunk fantasy? I’ve recently enjoyed the Parasol Protectorate, Finishing School (YA), and Custard Protocol series by Gail Carriger, and the Goblin Emperor and Cemeteries of Amalo series by Katherine Addison.

      I loved the Sabriel series by Garth Nix – he’s written lots of YA books in varying genres so give him a try if you haven’t. I think his most recent series that are older YA verging on adult is the Booksellers of London.

      The Teller of Small Fortunes by Julie Leong for a cozy fantasy. It’s probably more YA, but I still enjoy reading YA as an adult.

    13. I agree with the recommendations for Patricia Briggs and Ilona Andrews, although I find the latters more straight romantasy series difficult, so I would start with the Kate Daniels and Innkeeper series. In the same vein, The World of the Lupi by Eileen Wilks is also worth mentioning, although it has seemingly ended without being finished.
      T Kingfishers Nettle and bone, and Thornhedge reminds me of a darker Robin McKinley, not that McKinley cant be dark, but most of her Paladin books, except for the same-sex romance one, Paladin of Hope, were a disappointment.
      Agree with Bujold, both her science fiction and fantasy
      Nghi Vo, Malka Older, Becky Chambers all have cozy novellas that are worth reading
      Science fiction authors:
      Arkady Martine
      Ann Leckie
      Elizabeth Bear (her straight fantasy are ok, but her Science Fiction is better)
      A S Dunstall
      Martha Wells does great fantasy as well

    14. Lois McMaster Bujold, try her Chalion series.
      I know you said you didn’t love Novik’s Temeraire. I love Uprooted and Spinning Silver by her.
      Terry Pratchett? Try the middle ones first. Going Postal is a favorite.
      I like Anne Bishop’s “The Others” series.
      Jodi Taylor’s time travel series and other books are great.
      On the lighter end, loved Megan Bannen’s “Hart & Mercy” books. Waiting for #3.
      Ilona Andrews? Genoveva Dimova? Ben Aaronvitch? Patricia Briggs “Mercy Thompson series & spin offs”
      Love T. Kingfisher.
      Ali Hazelwood’s “Bride” was surprisingly enjoyable.
      Olivia Atwater?
      Lots more recs if you want them…

      1. For scifi, these authors are favorites. Some are dated, but I recommend.
        Sheri S. Tepper
        Kage Baker
        Elizabeth Moon “Remnant Population”
        Also Lois McMaster Bujold again
        Maybes are John Scalzi? Ted Chiang? Karen Lord? Andy Weir? Margaret Atwood? Dan Simmons?

      2. +1 to Novik’s Uprooted and Spinning Silver. I love coming back to these. Temeraire got repetitive and I like following a female character at the end of the day.

    15. I’ve been going back to some old school recs. Mercedes Lackey has a lot of fun-fairy tale based fantasy. I like the Elemental Masters series. Anne Mccaffrey definitely is of her time, some regressive stuff there with LGBTQ and women liking dominant men, but also pretty fun reads for Dragonriders of Pern (can see some cloning sci fi peaking through). Honestly, I liked all her other series like the ships who sing and Crystal Singer. I just roll my eyes at the 70s parts.

    16. so I came to romantasy from the romance side of things, so take these with a grain of salt, but
      Ruby Dixon’s Aspect and Anchor series
      try Callie Hart’s Quicksilver
      The Hurrican Wars by Thea Guanzon
      I really liked The Winter King by CL Wilson but the sequel was atrocious, do not read.

  18. Favorite source for a trench coat? Must be camel/tan and come in petite sizes. Already tried Land’s End and didn’t love it.

    2. Maybe these can help:

      jolynneshane.com/spring-trench-coats.html

      caphillstyle.com/capitol/2025/02/13/five-great-jackets-for-spring.html (last jacket is a trench)

  19. Kiddo wants to apply to a competitive high school science magnet program (NCSSM, for those in NC) and is worried that she doesn’t have any science extracurriculars. A lot of things like HOSA are ones where kids travel to take competitive science tests, which doesn’t work for our family schedule at all this year. Kiddo doesn’t drive. She’s not even old enough to lifeguard (14; she seems to need to be 15/16 locally). This summer, would it be likely she could volunteer at a nursing home (is health care not science? not science enough?)? She could walk to several (as well as a community college and a hospital, but they have no interest in such a young kid even though everything to her is messaged like she should be doing research, which maybe you can do with connections and someone doing you a favor, but that’s not us). I’m kind of at a loss; school isn’t helpful b/c she is looking at leaving it and they are taking it as a slight. I’ve told her that she should try to get good grades and it’s probably a crapshoot even with well-qualified kids, but I grew up elsewhere and am new to playing this game (for my birth family, any college was great, never mind a competitive high school).

    1. Don’t send your baby to a nursing home it will be traumatic. Let her apply and see if she gets in. If not, oh well!

      1. I went to a nursing home with a youth group when I was a mature 17 year old, and I could not handle it. Unless she’s expressed a strong desire to work with senior citizens, I 100% agree this is not a good option.

      2. Agree. Senior center? Sure. Independent adult living facility? Fine. But nursing homes are really, really hard.

        1. This is interesting — I didn’t appreciate the granularity of senior-related facilities. I had only thought that hospices were grim, but it seem that there is a range that I don’t yet realize.

        2. There’s more gradations than even these – indy living leads to assisted living (which looks more like skilled nursing than it used to, because $$$), and memory care, and then skilled nursing (what people think of as nursing homes).

    2. Not sure exactly how it is now (I’m no longer in NC), but when I was in high school, the kids that were accepted were predominantly minorities or from a poor performing district. A great resume is important, as is testing, but if she’s at a good school already, the chances are very slim IME.

      1. I’m in NC but didn’t grow up here and my kids aren’t high school age yet, so my understanding is secondhand. From my coworkers who went to NCSSM, it seems to mainly attract kids from rural areas (let’s be honest, most poor performing districts in this state are rural). It makes sense that having a ton of kids apply from a top high school means they can only choose 1-2 but I didn’t realize the chances were slim if she’s in a good school already.

    3. What about a science related day camp where she could either attend or volunteer as a junior counsellor depending on the age range? Our local university runs a day camp for ages 12-15 for a week each summer in each of the nautical science dept, engineering dept, and general science. Plus the botanical gardens has a elementary aged day camp where a lot of the counsellors are biology majors. They take 14-17 year olds as junior counsellors. I’d expect similar programs at most universities.

      1. Maybe? I will see, but a big limit from when she was younger is that our area runs a lot of informal 9-1 camps or only hires college kids and adults (like a teacher summer job), so for a younger non-driving kid, the usual job is babysitting gigs you can walk to. I work and can’t devote my summer to helping her to a job that is only 9-1. There is a Freedom School she could help at, but it’s reading focused, but will take a younger teen as a reading buddy volunteer the whole day.

        If NCSSM only takes high-poverty school kids, I don’t think that our school is poor enough — 33%ish. At some schools, it’s probably closer to 100%.

        1. If her friends have similar interests, maybe look into some carpooling. That’s how I make 9-2 or similar daycamps work for my 13 year old. For some reason the skill camps for older kids seem to be half dayish and younger kid camps are full day so volunteering at a younger kid science camp might be a better fit for your schedule if you can’t carpool.

        2. I used to interview NCSSM students applying to my alma mater. NCSSM admits based on Congressional district to enroll kids from across the entire state. It isn’t only high poverty schools, but rural areas will appear to be overrepresented because there’s less competition for admission those areas.

          OP, I’d suggest you let her enjoy her summer versus volunteering to get in. It’s very much a crapshoot.

          1. Thanks — I will try to support her, but I’ve never seen her so stressed / motivated before. But with little clear guidance about what they really want or how to go about it. I’ve tried to explain how spending $$$ to go to sleep-away camp at a fancy university for science won’t be seen as a qualification really but as pay-for-play, but bless her heart she is too sincere and trusting for the world she sill lives in.

      2. On this theme, what about Space Camp at the NASA Marshall Space and Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama. It’s a week long overnight camp, heavy on science-y fun and interesting activities, such as light “training” on simulators used for astronauts. For a small additional fee they will pick up and drop off your child from the airport, which I would recommend, although Huntsville overall is a pretty safe small city/very large town.

        1. Is that maybe just another great experience but one seen as pay to play? (Really, what isn’t pay to play? Everything seems to require the income of a dual-income household and the free time of an adult who does not work). Z.

          1. I don’t know the cost because I never went. But I know several people from the middle middle to lower middle socioeconomic levels who went, so it’s not just a wealthy family kids thing. There are scholarships as well. Sure there is some cost, but would it be viewed that differently from a kid whose family has enough privilege to send them off to do volunteer work instead of having a summer job? Genuinely curious about the take on that.

          2. IDK but a young teen in my city can’t work and isn’t wanted as a volunteer absent a parent being present. Babysitting maybe but the real jobs start at 16. You have to pay for even a counselor in training “job.” ,

    4. Is CLAWS accepting volunteers again? They were always great about younger volunteers.

      I think she’s also old enough to volunteer at the summer camps at the Life and Science Museum.

      I don’t know if volunteering with a friend and carpooling is an option or what other transportation options may exist.

    5. ideas that are local to me, no idea if they are options for you:

      – volunteer at a senior center to help older people with tech (our SS has a window for this)
      – take coding classes or learn coding as a hobby
      – volunteer to work with young kids in a science capacity. Our Elem has a science fair and there are always HS volunteers
      – volunteer at or start a program through the library around coding, chess, or math (our library has a chess club run by high schoolers and some kind of science day)
      – do some kind of coursera type thing in a science adjacent field.

      None of those are perfect but all would be good for her generally, even if she doesn’t get into the program.

    6. Oh god keep her away from senior care while in high school. If she is interested in any health care related career, that will completely turn her away.

    7. This seems very local knowledge. Can you try to network with families who have kids at those schools and see what they think? What is she going to do with her summer anyway? Could she volunteer at a kids summer camp that has STEAM or connect with a younger girl scout group and lead a science lesson? It’s pretty easy to buy materials for strawberry DNA extraction or if someone has a telescope to lead an astronomy session for little kids.

  20. I have a unique name, and when you search my name on Google, on the first page of results is a wrongful death case I was involved in decades ago. I was one of the plaintiffs, along with other family members, suing a company for wrongful death of our family member. I don’t have much presence on the Internet, so the only other things that come up are some professional and education-related pages. I bring this up because an acquaintance at church asked me what my family member died from and when I asked why they were asking me this they said they had looked me up online. It was creepy. Is it worth pursuing trying to remove the court case from internet searches? And if so, how to do it without getting scammed? It’s nothing criminal, it was a long time ago, and we lost the case anyway. But it feels uncomfortable that when people look me up it’s one of the first things they see. I worry it could affect people’s impression of me when applying for jobs or dating or other things. The websites are Justia and FindLaw if that matters.

    1. I’m sorry this happened to you. I can’t comment on getting things removed from the internet, especially if they are public records. However, for most casual sleuths/searchers, getting those results pushed to the 2nd or 3rd page of search results means most people won’t see it (like a job interviewer, for instance). To get it pushed down as relevant, consider a few options, buying and hosting a cheap yourfirstnamelastname.com domain with your professional bio, adding a few writing samples to firstnamelastname.blogspot.com, submitting for publications under your name, etc. etc.

      1. This. It’s much harder to get things taken down and the way people manage this is my making other things come up first.

      2. Or even just having a linked in profile and other social media profiles under your full name. Post a couple of innocuous things and then forget about them but leave them up.

    3. You can’t really get public records removed from the internet. Do you have a nickname you could go by so when people google the nickname nothing comes up?

    4. I have a similar online presence and made peace with the fact that I can’t change it (I’m not interested in having more of a presence).

      However, I would absolutely call out the creeper. Do they also drive by their friends’ houses at night to look in the front windows, then ask about the TV show they were watching the next day? Call up their coworkers’ old flames and use the dirt as an icebreaker at the next staff meeting? Grab receipts from the neighbor’s garbage on trash day and then ask how they liked that brand of frozen pizza?

    5. You’re not going to have any luck with this, sorry. FWIW, that person was completely rude and out of line to ask you about it.

    6. 1) that’s not cool of the creepy churchgoer.
      2) do you want a LinkedIn or something like that? A little bit of SEO maybe by putting your LinkedIn link in other online places like a blog post if that’s something you’re interested in doing so it’s a more strategic approach for future employment purposes.
      3) it’s ok to tell people it’s none of their business

  21. Are there any good research papers re teen girls (particularly teen girls with autism) and social contagion and feeling that they may be trans once they are in a group that goes from all girl to all trans within a year? I feel like so much trans discussion is incredibly through a trans-woman lens. I’d like to read more about it as neutral or scientific as possible and keep an open mind but I feel that it is so transwoman focused that other voices and experience are lost. Like safety for this group is probably a real concern due to size and neurodivergence and there are more co-morbidities that are serious. But it seems like a very different discussion that what dominates in the media.

    1. This question is already weird and not phrased neutrally and I don’t think you’re being honest in your discussion.

    2. Couldn’t it also be that teens who feel they’re trans find each other and form a social group because they want support from others like them and feel they can be themselves together? This question seems to dismiss the possibility they all are, in fact, trans.

    3. I don’t feel that I need research to know that it’s normal for teens to experiment and have doubts and reassess their identities and what they want out of life and relationships, and that it’s age appropriate to embrace identities that make a previous generation uncomfortable. I think social contagion is a bit of a judgmental perspective on this?

      On comorbidities, here’s the priceless resource that I always try to share when this topic comes up: https://allbrainsbelong.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Everything-is-Connected-to-Everything-Autistic-ADHD-Health-CLINICIAN-GUIDE-All-Brains-Belong-VT-9.20.23.pdf I’m not sure what safety issues you had in mind, but appropriate medical support for comorbidities (in this case mast cell disorders if present) does matter.

    4. Lisa Littman wrote the defining paper on this. You won’t get a great discussion here but it’s absolutely true that girls and women are second fiddle in these conversations.

    5. Anecdotally, my DD went through a brief period of thinking she was t r a n s in 8th grade when one of her friends came out (that friend had insisted that they were a boy since age 2). On advice from a family member who is a psychologist, we were supportive but did not contact school to change pronouns, etc., or anything like that. Therapy would have helped but this was also during COVID when none were available. This lasted for a couple of months and then went away.

      1. This is more common than people realize. There are transwomen/girls, and then they are kids who are exploring their identities and making some mistakes along the way. I experienced a similar situation where one friend’s son was trans (the kid had been identifying as a boy since diapers, I remember going to their 2nd birthday and he was wearing a dinosaur outfit), and then our mutual friend’s kid say they were trans but over time decided they weren’t. None of it required dramatics, the parents handled it great, and all is well. I admired them for their response.

        1. I feel that the trans girl story presents much differently than the trans boy story. Much. IDK how it is with adults but among the kids in my kids’ school, it is so markedly different the ages and ways it all unfolds.

        2. Also our American society is very highly gendered and assigns different values to those genders that impact all sexes over their lives. I can see kids exploring what that means for themselves against being trans since it’s a highly publicized topic.

    6. “Is there any research that supports my extant views, everything I see supports the opposite perspective” is generally not a strong way to approach a research question. I recommend starting with consensus statements and meta-analyses if you’re honestly interested in becoming more informed (I don’t think you are).

    7. Non standard gender identity and s@#uality is much more common in neurodivergence, and it’s finally more socially acceptable to be yourself.

      I say this as a 30 something autistic agender AFAB who has she/her in my email signature because coming out would ruin my life.

      1. I agree that people are more tolerant now, especially within the circle of people they actually know. I wish people didn’t feel compelled to put anything on their email signature either way, but in some groups if feels that there is a lot of group dynamic pressure to be confessional here (vs strictly business). Like in some departments where I work, 100% of people do this. Do they all want to? I doubt it. Who needs pressure in this department? Likely no one.

        1. I wish so badly I could put they/them in my email signature but I’m not willing to risk that social backlash, so I lie.

        2. I don’t understand why something so deeply personal should have to go in an email signature.

        3. I have an Indian name, and people constantly assume I am a man. I would love to put she/hers in my email block, but it would not go over well in my conservative company.

          2. I always appreciated when people put their pronouns in their signature when I worked at a big university with people from all over the world. I interacted with most of them through a screen and having pronouns saved frequent, albeit mild, awkwardness. I have an unusual, androgynous name and work in male dominated fields, so have been on the receiving end of the confusion plenty of times too. I wish people didn’t get so worked up about pronouns in signatures.

      2. The author is that book is not a scientist nor does she have any relevant credentials. The book is a right wing hit piece.

        1. She’s a journalist and doesn’t claim to be anything else. So bizarre that people keep trying to smear her instead of acknowledging that there are real issues in this craze. Do you not care about gay and autistic kids getting sterilized?

          1. I’m a queer autistic adult who cares very much about queer autistic children who are being used by the right to push a narrative.

          4. I think giving people autonomy even though they may be wrong is not as bad a mistake as overriding people’s autonomy, and it tells me a lot about someone if they’re MORE worried about autistic kids exercising autonomy over their own bodies than being denied it.

          5. Kids don’t have full autonomy. Their parents are responsible for making appropriate medical choices for them. It is ludicrous to expect a 12-year-old to be able to make a rational and mature decision about something as drastic as radical experimental surgery that promises predictable and significant harms. I honestly can’t believe thinking people will die on that hill.

          6. My teens can’t get a piercing without my permission. They can’t get a tattoo at all until they are 18 even if I agreed. This is a lot more than a tattoo.

          7. We’re just not falling for RW hysteria about transitioning minors, and we don’t believe you access to everyone’s medical records and private health history.

            I doubt you actually care about the well being of children, but when a child is born intersex, it’s increasingly considered a human rights abuse to assign gender and SURGICALLY INTERVENE shortly after birth when it’s not possible to accurately predict puberty (although this remains too common). It’s a human rights win if medical intervention is delayed until puberty begins, since this eradicates the risk of being assigned and surgically altered to present as female and then going through male puberty, or vice versa, which is an actual mistake doctors were making. I would bet a lot that any extreme outlier case involving a twelve year old actually represents a wise decision to wait vs. the status quo of intervening in infancy.

          8. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with journalists writing non-fiction books, but Shrier is very right wing and has a clear agenda. I hated the book Bad Therapy because it was so clearly a right wing hit piece – and I actually fully agree with the central premise that people today, especially kids, are overdiagnosed and in too much therapy!

    9. I feel that menopause in women is tremendously underresearched and undersupported and a lot of bone and heart health dynamics for women change permanently and fundamentally when estrogen wanes. IDK what happens to a female body when that gets altered in late teens or 20s or decades younger than menopause. I know when women have to get radical hysterectomies for medical reasons, they go on HRT. IDK and I suspect no one does what happens over decades of a remaining life when we alter functioning in this way. Also, IDK what happens to nerve endings when you have a mastectomy but from cancer survivor friends, they feel tremendous loss of a former key erogenous zone with total loss of feeling. IDK what happens with top surgery but their ability to have meaningful physical sensations likely are ignored based on how unimportant mainstream medicine treats bodies that are women’s bodies the entirety of their lives.

        2. I was never so happy as when I went off of BCPs. But I didn’t go on cross-sex hormones, which I suspect would have been much worse than BCPs.

          1. Same!

            I assume I’d have felt worse on androgens since I have PCOS, but I honestly thought that testosterone pellets were all the rage among cisgender women? Maybe it’s different at the doses needed to transition, but I thought the side effects were more feeling like a million bucks… and being irritable which affects other people more.

      3. There are a LOT of big concerns with altering puberty and undergoing surgery – brain development, bone development, loss of sexual function, and more. When women in their 50s get hysterectomies, they go on HRT in part due to the risk of dementia from the loss of hormones; what happens when a 21-year-old gets a hysterectomy and does not go on HRT, or what happens when a 10-year-old goes on blockers before puberty? We don’t know, but evidence from other quarters suggests it’s not going to be a neutral act. It will likely be very harmful. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d do anything to not get dementia.

        1. Same. I’m perimenopausal and can’t imagine what my body is going through happening to a teen. I just think it’s another way we fail women, ignore them when it’s convenient, and are never there for the ongoing maintenance issues. I feel that the spotlight is still stolen by men and trans women and no one is paying attention to the women (again).

        2. It’s probably just you. A huge percentage of women don’t get their HRT post hysterectomy. Most people won’t even mask to avoid COVID despite its known contributions to dementia risk. Heck a lot of people don’t even keep their A1C down to lower dementia risk.

    10. If you want to protect your teen from any type of social contagion, you can make sure she’s exposed to a variety of influences so she isn’t just hearing from one peer group, support her in activities that build her self-esteem, and directly address mental illness, lack of social skills, academic challenges, and any other problems that may make her more susceptible to self-loathing and the idea that changing who she is will make her feel better about herself. She needs a strong sense of self to weather the onslaught of social pressure.

      1. This, plus emphasis on how girls and women can do and be anything. They can have any interests, any hobbies, any career, any relationships, and any friends they want.

        1. This. It’s like we’ve gone backwards with narrow definitions of girl and boy things. Someone above referenced a trans kid who had a dinosaur outfit on for his 2nd birthday. My 14 year old loved trains and fire trucks when she was 2, she isn’t trans. So many people misgender my 10 year old. He’s a boy where jeans and black hoodie most of the time, he just likes having long hair right now. Hair drying is starting to annoy him so he’ll probably be back to a buzz cut again this summer.

          I’m sick of pink Lego and genderized everything so companies make more money with people buying a pink bouncer when they have a girl and another blue one when they have a boy. All the gender reveals with ‘bows or does’ like girls can’t hunt.

          The current administration is treating transpeople horribly, but I also think it’s true that we have narrowed the definition of what it looks like to be a girl or a boy and we are so quick to label pre-teens or teens who are just trying out different phases.

        2. Women can do anything yes, but some AFAB just don’t relate to womanhood, it’s not their identity, it gives them the ick, the expectations and motherhood and being called she make them die inside.

          1. And yet trans men want to be pregnant, so much so that now we have to talk about “pregnant people”? Everyone’s an individual etc etc but it’s really hard to find the cohesive lines of thinking here

          2. I think a lot of bossy feminists want to tell us to take responsibility for women’s lot in society, but a lot of societal expectations can make feel dead inside.

            To me it feels like complaining that someone AFAB in the 18th century who could have written pamphlets on women’s rights like a good feminist instead dressed as a man and lived as a pirate or worked as a male physician. I care less about trying to pin down people’s social gender and more about the option of having viable lives outside of societally enforced norms.

          3. 1) Not wanting to be a mother doesn’t mean you are not a woman. There are many ways to be a woman.
            2) The number of people who were genuinely “born in the wrong body” is vaninshingly small. The number of young people, especially young women, who have low self-esteem and/or don’t like how society treats them as women and mistakenly think they can fix it by assuming a new identity is enormous. In the past these kids would have experimented with other sorts of fashionable identities and in-groups–goth, punk, grunge, etc.–or would have engaged in other types of harmful behavior such as drinking, dr*gs, or anorexia.
            3) Teens now receive strong messaging from their peers and society that if they accept or identify with their “assigned” gender that they are uncool, closed-minded, and oppressive.

    11. 1) serious resume review (hour plus, deep reads). Federal resumes are a weird breed and people need help restructuring them.

      2) help people get jobs. Open up your network. Talk to your firm. There are so many people who need jobs.

      3) offer free CLEs and share information with your former fed friends.

      4) Listen to them. Invite them over for wine. This is going to be a long slog.

  22. I have a large bedroom. I think an 8×10 run would work to be partially under the queen bed and extend around the perimeter but so would a 10×12. Would you go larger in a larger room? Would I regret a smaller rug (floor is soft pine that tends to dent and not oak / hardwood). WWYD?

    1. I always buy the largest rug I can afford and that will fit in the space. Large rugs look more luxurious than smaller ones.

    3. For rugs I like to use painters tape on the floor to visualize. Personally I think when a whole bed is on a carpet it looks weird and I prefer the bottom 3/4 of the bed on a rug

    6. Large rug. I always do the largest I can get away with and I have never regretted it.

    7. Large enough that your bed doesn’t look like a bed floating on a rug raft, but not large enough to cover the full floor area.

    8. We have runners rather than a large rug – we did it to reduce dust issues (allergies), but it turns out that I really like how it looks. Possibly that’s another option.

  23. A good friend has been consistently promoted in her call center job. All of a sudden, they are running the numbers and her job is in jeopardy despite her immediate manger’s recognition of her value. We are all being judged and managed by numbers that don’t reflect reality and it is really frustrating. Now the feds will use AI to determine value.

    1. Call center jobs are notorious for having metrics that don’t even allow for bathroom breaks. This has been going on for a long time in many fields. Although the metrics are not always shared with the worker, they are being collected and evaluated.

      In the case of your friend, as frustrating as it is, best get on board and make the numbers LOOK good even if the actual performance/quality of the work suffers. It’s all upper management cares about.

      1. That is exactly what I suggested! I know that this has been going on forever in call centers but I suspect the over-reliance on AI may not be giving as good of a picture as they once had AND that upper mgmt is not being as flexible with reports of line managers regarding actual work done. It makes me sad.

  24. My tech-adjacent corporate company just announced they are taking away annual equity grants below Director levels for next year. Supposedly we’re in range already on salaries, but all of our direct comparison or small companies seem to pay more for similar roles. Do you get equity grants in your companies? Have you been through this kind of change? I’ve stayed at this company a decade and guess I will probably need to change going forward.

      1. We get annual annual stock shares/Restricted Stock Units (RSUs) in proportion to our role and our performance. Basically you get a base salary, then company stocks as a bonus. They’ve been increasing salaries group by group but if they’re also taking away equity bonus, anyone who is an average to high performed is getting less money.

        I think this may be more of a Tech/Biotech thing, but assumed larger corporates might do it too. Certainly leadership gets paid stocks.

    2. Never heard f an equity grant— seems like a way of getting around actually paying market value. Time to look elsewhere.

      1. No, if you pick a company that makes it, you make $$ when you sell your stock.

    3. Equity grants were a “retention tool” below VP level at my previous company. VP and above got equity automatically.

      I’ve been interviewing recently and anecdotally it seems equity is pretty typically part of comp in tech companies, hit or miss in other verticals.

      1. OP here. Yeah, we’re biotech. Leaders are positioning that equity is more of a start-up thing and we’ve “out-grown” that as we are becoming larger, but it sounds like BS to say something nice around cost savings.

    4. Bay Area tech company lawyer here:

      – it is true that many larger (public) corporations often do not give equity to lower-leveled employees.
      – it is common for startups to move from stock options to RSUs as they approach becoming public
      – it is management BS to say, “you once had a perk but we’re taking it away, but not replacing it with something else because we think you’re paid fine.”
      – it is typical for Bay Area biotech to provide equity to all levels, in most cases, whether options or stock

      Hope this helps.

      1. Thanks good to know we are being gaslit. This will be the push to make a move :)

  25. Oh my goodness. I’ve been working at my job for two years. Just found out while looking something up that our official hours are 8 to 5, not 9 to 5. I’m remote. I obviously regularly work more as a salaried employee. But can’t believe I never knew. I guess I’m extra lucky my boss is on the west coast? I seriously can’t believe this.

    1. If no one has said anything and your boss doesn’t care, I wouldn’t worry about it.

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