Coffee Break: Pearl & Blue Agate Necklace

108 Comments

1. This shirt from the DVF sale is gorgeous, but I guess it’s already sold out. I can’t quite tell from the page. It would look amazing under a blazer or suit.

   http://www.dvf.com/derah-top/S6217518P13.html?dwvar_S6217518P13_color=PALMO

2. I feel like I will come across as ungrateful for saying this, but I need to learn how to say no to my parents. I currently am on vacation with them and it really stops being fun after two days, when my mom’s mood starts shifting and she becomes hard to be around. I’m already dreading our next trip (I was going to visit my sister in her city and my mom turned it into her 50th birthday party. She got mad at me when I told her the weekend wasn’t one I had in mind). My parents are young and healthy and I’m 26. Not sure how to set boundaries and encourage them to also stop visiting me so often (yes, we live in different states). Thoughts? On the other hand, we’re pretty close and I call about once a week, I just can’t stand spending more than the occasional two days with her.

   1. No advice but I feel like I need this constant reminder. My parents are great but it’s difficult spending more than a couple days together and I may have just agreed to spending 1-2 weeks with them in Europe this summer. I think my parents are sometimes having a hard time accepting that I’m so independent that they sometimes get out of sorts when I want to do things according to my schedule etc.

      1. Yes, this! Need boundaries. My parents are coming for the holidays, 10 days. They’re staying in a hotel, thank goodness!

   2. Opposite problem here. Almost done with a two year (out of state) clerkship and my parents haven’t visited once, even though they travel frequently internationally for pleasure. You might say they express total and complete ambivalence in my out of state existence. Like you, I can’t endure more than a 2-3 day visit before things take a turn for the worst.

   3. I have this issue, as well as having a mother who is ready to travel at a moment’s notice and particularly loves trips to London. I do get very frustrated with her but what I find helps is splitting up for the day and meeting for dinner. This gives me the time I need to re-energize alone and do things I want to do, and allows her to do things at her own speed.

   4. You are not ungrateful, just because you love your parents doesn’t necessarily mean you are so in sync with them that you can get along conflict-free with them for 72 hours straight. It’s hard when you live in different states and instead of being able to see them a couple of hours every week for dinner you try to cram all kinds of quality time into a week. I’m in the same situation, living across country from my folks, and feel the same frustrations when I go visit. Add to that I usually stay in their home when I visit, so I really have no time or space to myself, and by day three I start getting a little edgy.

   5. I travel quite a bit with my parents. I don’t think you’re ungrateful but I do think a little structure might help.

      Some things that my family does when we are together for more than a few days:
      1. Schedule a good chunk of time during each day to be apart. If my parents are visiting, I might go into the office for a half day. They might do some site-seeing, make dinner, hang out at my house, or something else.

      2. Have a default activity for the times when you want to be together but don’t want to chat. For my family, it’s card-playing. Other families do things like watching TV, going for a walk/exercising, or shopping.

      3. Have a plan and an itinerary. Making reservations forces my family to actually follow the itinerary. If you itinerary is more than 3 days long, build in large chunks of “chill out” time.

      4. If they are staying with you for longer than 1 week, give them chores! Seriously. It helps them feel like less of a burden and relieves you of some hosting duties.

      5. If they are at your house, bring them along to dinner with friends and other social activities. Because, really, why not?

      1. I really like #5. It felt weird when my friends first started doing it, but now when family is visiting we bring them along to anything our group of friends has planned, and all of our friends do the same. It gives your parents a chance to see what your life is like, meet your friends, and feel more involved in your adult life, and you a chance to unwind/stop being the sole focus of attention.

         We moved to a vacation destination about 1.5 years ago and now have a lot more visitors. I’ve learned that things are a lot easier if I give myself permission to spend an hour or so in my room everyday recharging (while making sure they have something to do) and if I set strict rules regarding my mother complaining about my cleaning (ie, it bothers you? You clean it). I also have set things I do with out of town visitors, including things they can do on their own…

3. Early threadjack. What is the appropriate number of suits to alternate between for trial? I’ll be in trial for over a month. (My longest trial to date.) Is three enough? Four? How soon before the jury and every one else notices that I’m only swapping out shirts?

   And, a related question, since this seems like it might be an expensive endeavor: I have a suit that is aaallllmost too tight. It zips, I can move, I can breathe, but the skirt is hugging the bum just a little too tightly. The blazer fits just fine though. Can I get away with this or do I need to chuck it and fork over more money for yet another new suit?

   Thanks in advance!

   1. For the skirt, I assume that the snugness isn’t something that shapewear fixes. If you know that you will have to wear this suit 5x in the next month and you aren’t comfortable in it, I’d get another one. Trial isn’t the time to be worried about clothes or whether that bag of pretzels you had at dinner is going to bloat you and make clothing tighter.

   2. Can you have the skirt let out a bit? The cost of tailoring an otherwise fine suit would be much less than buying a new suit.

   3. Are you an eater during trial or a starver? I know some people who end up gaining weight on trial because they’re eating junk and not exercising. Personally, though, I always lose weight because I’m nervous and don’t have time to eat. So if you might lose a bit of weight as the trial goes on, then the skirt may end up being fine.

   4. I would probably want 5 or 6 suits for a trial that long. Not necessarily because I think the jury would notice but because it will be hard to deal with dry cleaning suits, especially if you tend to spill stuff like I do. You can make it work with fewer but have a plan for cleaning. Pass on the suit that is too tight; you don’t want to be self-conscious and uncomfortable in trial.

   5. Could you maybe get one more suit that has both a skirt and pants? Then you’d have “two” more suits, sort of?
      On the skirt, tailoring may be the best way to go here, unless you expect to not eat for the month because you’ll be so busy/stressed…..I agree with the above comment that you don’t want to be worried about your clothes.
      I don’t think people will notice your repeated suits too much if you have 4+, so long as you mix up the shirts underneath and maybe change up the styling….necklaces, shoes, etc.
      Good luck!

4. I said this on a earlier post, but I feel like it probably got lost at the end.

   I’m trying to update my undergarment wardrobe. I want sexy/attractive/comfortable underwear/bras. I am large of bum, so I tend to wear boyshort types, and I need DD+ bra sizes. Suggestions of brands/places to shop online or brick and mortar would be much appreciated.

   I think I have heard here that the Hanky Panky Boy Shorts are loved, for those that wear those, do you have bigger bums? Do they ride up?

   BTW this is seriously the worst…

   1. I have found that her room dot com has a good selection of large bras, especially different brands. I find that the ability to “see” the item on a mannequin with different neckline of tops is helpful, along with fitting comments and reviews. Lastly, they have a “quiz” to help define the type of bra needed and then links to options.

      I think that brick and mortar shops have few brands and few options in larger sizes.

      Have you thought about high cuts with a more traditional pantee instead of boy shorts?

      1. +1 for Her Room. I’ll add that they have free shipping both ways and great customer service if you need it.

   2. For bras, I like Figleaves to shop online and Nordstrom for in store. Both have a wide selection of styles and sizes and simple return policies.

      For undies, I stick to th*ngs. My bottom is half isn’t lacking and everything seems to ride up anyway, regardless of style or size.

   3. Someone posted on the other thread for you recommending Soma. Their bras don’t fit me (although I’m a DD) because of my shape, but they could work for you and they have good sales.

      I have also been to a place that I think was called Intimacy that has pretty bras in larger cup sizes. But I believe it’s only brick and mortar shops.

      1. I go to Intimacy. Not all fitters are equal though. I may have a specific recommendation for you if you live in Atlanta. They do sell online now, but probably a relatively limited selection.

   4. Interesting, I’d also consider myself well-endowed on the backside, and I’ve found that most boyshorts don’t work for me at all, because they really seem cut for those with, well, ‘boyish’ backsides. I’ve always got a little bit of cheek peeking out, and they inevitably creep up by the middle of the day.

      I’ve recently tried the Soma vanishing edge hipster panties, that have a no-seam edge with stay-put silicone around the rear legs, so they don’t ride up. Absolutely love these.

   5. I am rather large of bum as well, and I find that although I like boyshorts for sleeping in, I generally prefer th*ngs for daily wear. They don’t ride up and don’t cut into my tuchus. :) I have written on here before about my undying affection for hanky pankys. Super stretchy, soft, cute, and come in a million colors/patterns, plus they don’t really show under anything unless its a tighter/thinner fabric-ed (fabricked?) dress or something, in which case I switch to Commandos (which are also awesome). Nordstrom usually has them on the anniversary sale and on another thread here, someone posted about Neiman Marcus and Gilt having them on discount. Don’t buy them full price!! :)

   6. Try Intimacy, if there’s a brick and mortar store near you. Otherwise, Nordstrom. It’s definitely worth getting remeasured for bras before you start upgrading your wardrobe.

   7. Love Maidenform boy shorts.

      Not sure where youare located, but do you have a Carson Pirie Scott? For some reason, that store always seems to have an amazing selection of bxas. And the stores near me are pretty empty, which means very easy to grab a ton and be able to try on to my heart’s content without feeling rushed or interrupted. And wear a t-shirt so you can get an accurate view, too.

   8. I posted a while back that I absolutely adore the Naomi & Nicole lace trim hipster. It covers my own ample bum (btw, I laughed out loud at “I am ample of bum”), and it has the silicone edging that keeps it in place. In addition, it is truly 100% invisible under clothing. I am addicted to them and buy them whenever they are on sale at K*hl’s or M*acy’s (which is often).

5. Shopping help, please. I want to get a pair of colored (purple? cobalt?) ankle length pants. The challenge — I am a pear, size 12. I’m also losing weight, so hopefully these would be a transition size. TIA!

   1. Express has some in a bright green and cobalt, but I haven’t tried them on so I’m not sure how they fit. They are $42 on sale right now.

      NY & Company has a ton of colors. The 7th Ave collection has more room in the hips and the Crosby fit is cut more narrow. It looks like most of them are on sale for $25-40 right now.

   2. Old Navy Skinny Diva Ankle Pants. Variety of colors and sizes and on sale for about $20.

      Unless you want these for work, in which case the limited has some colored ankle pants that could be worn on casual fridays. ON couldn’t

   3. I’m not sure about ankle length, but I’m wearing these pants from Loft today in Dream Blue, which is a lovely color:

      http://www.loft.com/loft/product/product%3A303822/LOFT-Julie-View-All/Julie-Casual-Cropped-Pants-in-Stretch-Cotton/303822?colorExplode=false&skuId=13784133&catid=catl000014&productPageType=fullPriceProducts&defaultColor=9000

      I’m 5’5″ and they’re considerably longer on me than on the model. They hit about three inches above my ankle bones.

      1. I forgot to add, I’m hourglass-shaped so somewhat pear-like. I have these in a 6 and they’re quite comfortable. Julie is Loft’s curviest cut.

   4. I got some ankle-length colored trousers at AT Loft – Julie/curvy fit. They had a lot of fun, bright colors.

   5. Gap Straight Leg Chinos! I have them in green and in a dark, dark purple!

   6. The Halogen line at Nordies has several different colors of ankle pants in their Taylor curvy cut. Also, Vince Camuto has a curvy cut crop pant.

   7. I just got a pair of the Sloan ankle pants at Banana Republic. They’re lovely so far!

   8. I have an awesome pair of purple ankle “skinnies” from Target–Mossimo, I think?–that were maybe $20 before a sale. A little bit of stretch, wonderfully tailored for Target, and they always come in a ton of colors. I own them in black, coral, gray, and fuschia too.

      Good luck!

6. I posted last week asking for tips on attending a big boozy client conference while pregnant (and sober). By far the best strategy was to sit at a table full of men (or young and/or childless women). At worst, I got a “congrats! when are you due!” versus the topic taking over FOR THE ENTIRE MEAL.

   BUT. I need a gut check here. I’m about 6 months pregnant, and visibly so once it’s pointed out (otherwise, I just look like my clothes are getting tight). I told my boss at about 4.5 months, and she asked me if “everyone knew.” I said no, but it wasn’t a secret or anything. Fast forward to this conference, where I swear to God she must have had “Sober Party Monitor Is HAVING A BABY” tattooed on her head. Every time she sat down with a group, someone came up and congratulated me. I work for a large (<3000 person) company, so I don't really know everyone. People I’ve only met on calls from tons of other offices were coming up and congratulating me. Sales guys I’d only just met…our chief medical officer…the wife of a vendor….our chief of staff…one of the keynotes for my market (who I had not yet met, but was at the table next to me at a dinner and apparently heard…)

   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care that people know. It's actually even nice, beacuse everyone brought me water and gave me chairs and asked if I wanted their granola bars. But…it’s just …isn't this strange? If one of my direct reports were pregnant, I’d mention it as it came up in relevant conversation (ie planning for the quarter she’d be out for maternity leave….), or if someone asked me. But this is just…I don’t know. I can only hope she was telling people as an excuse for me when I bailed on the boozing at midnight (vs. the 3am champions)!! I know it isn't that the company's chief of staff was staring at my stomach during our conference of well over 5,000 attendees and wondering so much he had to ask someone about my pregnancy status.

   Thoughts?

   1. Okay, I was about to cut off my commenting for the day because I’ve been on here enough, but I can’t resist your comment.

      I completely agree. It’s like once you become pregnant, that is ALL ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT EVER. Strangers, close friends, work acquaintances, everybody. I’m like, I am still interested in other things. I am still the same person. And if I could just wear a shirt that said, “July ___. Boy. Yes, we’re thrilled,” it would cut out half of all of my conversations in a day.

      I have found it to be one of the strangest phenomenons of pregnancy.

      1. Brilliant. I would totally buy that shirt. Mine would also say “Yes, second boy. No, we don’t have names. Caffeine is allowed in moderation in the later trimesters.”

         1. Do either/any of you live in a large city? Does that change this response? Just curious…

            1. I live in a large east coast city. Our company has offices in all large cities, and some are midwestern (ie, friendly). Our clients hail from all over…and we were on the west coast for the conference.

               My only guess is people get drunk, talk about things like their kids, and someone mentions that gee, maybe so-and-so already went to bed because DID YOU KNOW SHE”S PREGNANT? I think it also came up because I don’t LOOK almost 6-months pregnatn, so there may have been “so did YOU know she’s pregnant? Because I had no idea!” talk. I don’t know. But this news spread almost as fast as when our CEO got fired.

            2. Yes, Houston.

         2. Mine would say, “This is just grapefruit juice. My coffee is decaf.”

            I literally was talking to one guy about a $2M deal we’re working on toether on Sunday night, and during our breakfast meeting, all he wanted to talk about was the baby! Apparently HE heard the news at the bar the night before (seriously? I was in bed at the time…and people were chatting about my pregnancy at 2am?)

            It was nice, though, in that he brought me water from the bar for the rest of the trip. But still! I don’t need people worrying about whether I can roll my luggage down to the lobby…I’m perfectly willing to ask for help!!

         3. Ha ha. Yes, I could add “Yes, I’m still wearing heels.”

         4. Yep, Dallas.

      2. People act like I am Cruella DeVille for NOT asking anything about someone’s pregnancy. I’d way rather hear about her hobbies, work, new cookie recipe, anything, anything but her precious angel- Kaylee or Kamden.

      3. I think a lot of people actually are perfectly happy not to talk about it, but feel bad (because you’re ignoring a major event in someone’s life just because it’s kind of boring to you).

         1. Agreed. If I’m asking someone about their pregnancy, it’s because I’m trying to make conversation and want to show happiness for that person’s major life event.. not because I am particularly interested in pregnancy in general.

   2. For some of this I blame awkward small talk syndrome. You’re at a conference with 3000 people you don’t know that well. You can only ask about the weather or how they like the city or what movie someone has seen recently but so many times. A visible pregnancy is like a guaranteed conversation starter.

      1. +1

   3. Eh, I don’t think it’s THAT weird. Sure, it’s a bit strange that your boss is making a point of announcing it to everyone, but maybe she’s just excited/happy for you? Also, I think a life event like this is useful for small talk, which may have been part of the reason for all of the discussion (obviously she shouldn’t be using your pregnancy for small talk, but again, I don’t think it’s that weird).

      1. Oh, she’s happy. And I don’t resent it or anything, I was just…I don’t know. It was really weird to have people you don’t know/barely know/know only from their photos coming up to you and congratulating you. There are worse things, for sure.

   4. First time I was pregnant, I was amazed at the people who cared (nice) and who felt free to reach out and touch my tum (not). At a conference, I can easily see people using you as a conversation topic, cause what else is fun to talk about and not already done to death?

7. Can anyone recommend a pencil skirt >$100 that would work on someone with a 13″ difference between waist and hips? I have a 26″ waist and 39″ hips. I know it’s unlikely it’ll fit off the rack, but I’d like something close.

   Along with this, where exactly is the top of a pencil skirt supposed to hit? Maybe because body is so curvy I just never know where/ how much exactly to take the skirt in. Should it hit at the belly button, top of hip bones, what? TIA!

   1. It should hit wherever you feel comfortable/it looks flattering.

   2. Michael Kors knit pencil skirt. This is probably not the official name but I got it at Nordstrom (and I know they carry it at Bloomingdales). I have a similar waist:hip difference and it’s the bomb.

      1. Sorry – not knit, it’s jersey. Still awesome.

   3. A good tailor should be able to help you figure out where the skirt should hit and how/where to take it in. It can also depend on the skirt and how it’s structured.

      Halogen skirts (at Nordstrom) do a decent job of giving me some curve for my extreme, high pear shape, but honestly, I pretty much have to have all skirts/pants/dresses altered if they are really going to fit me correctly.

8. I was just told I am being let go at work. My boss is recommending that I get a four-month transition period but he can’t guarantee anything. To make things worse, I am leaving on vacation tonight. I am in my office crying. FML.

   1. Aw I’m so sorry! That’s awful.

      1. Yes, I agree. This stink’s alot. I am very sorry also.

         I was goieng to write something about me for the hive, but in light of your situeation, I will defer my posteing.

         Hug’s to you. Try to use your vacation to forget everything about this bad situeation, and look forward to better thing’s. Doubel Hug’s on behalf of the entire hive. FOOEY!

   2. Be super-good to yourself so you’ll be energized and ready to hit the job market hard when you get back.

      ps, was it you who was wondering if she should reschedule or call in sick when her jerk of a boss wanted to do her review right before she left for vacay?

      1. yep, that was me. i never thought about calling in but i think someone suggested it. i guess it was better to hear this now rather than later.

         1. Oh no! I’m so sorry! At least you already knew your boss was an idiot (i.e., this sounds like it is 110% NOT about you). I hope your husband has a big, fun c-tail waiting for you to start your vacation!

         2. Good thing you’re out of there. Hope you can enjoy your vacation, & maybe on the back burner come up with a killer plan for wrapping things up there and reaching out to contacts for the next position.

            Cheers!

   3. I’m so, so sorry. That is indeed awful, with awful timing. Perhaps a good thing you’re going on vacation so that you don’t have to deal with being there right now?

   4. I am so sorry about your job and that your vacation is semi-ruined. But I am glad you already have an excuse to not be in the office tomorrow. Take care and be good to yourself in the meantime.

   5. So, so sorry to hear this. Try not to stress about the details while you’re on vacation… just enjoy the trip as best you can, preferably with plenty of wine.

9. Size 10 or 12 for a boy. Can you find one under $30?

   I can hardly find any in his size, and none in organic cotton.

10. I’m so sorry! I’ve been let go more times than I’d like to admit so I know how much this sucks. Your previous post about the anxiety before ( and tears after) performance reviews reminded me of some horrible jobs that I hated and was later fired/let go from. I currently have a job I love ( been here a year and a half), so please know it can get better. Try to enjoy your vacation, keep your head up and be kind to yourself.

11. What’s the general thought on giving advice about office culture to a summer associate when I’m not in the chain of command for her? We’ve got an SA who is closing her office door, and that’s just something that’s Not Done here by summer associates. I’ve heard people mention it (no partners, just other associates). I’m the newest associate here, so it’s not like I have any authority. We don’t have formal mentors, and the person who is the SA coordinator is not someone who would have a nice mentor chat with someone about these things. It just makes me feel a little sad that she might not know something so simple is noticed and commented upon.

    1. If not one is stepping forward, tell her. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t the SA liaison. It’s early enough in the summer that she can stop doing this before it becomes a ding.

    2. Is this her first “real job”? If it is, or even if it is not, she may not understand how important office culture can be. I think you are actually in a great position to offer this type of advice: you are junior which means that you are probably one of the people that is closer in age and position and you are not in her chain of command (are you a military brat by any chance?) so you are in a position to offer it as advice and not criticism.

       If I were in your shoes, I would just stop by her office or take her out to coffee. I wouldn’t make a huge deal about it, but just say that “I’ve noticed your door closed a couple of times. We generally keep our doors open around here.”

    3. Tell her! When I first started working at my job, I closed the door to keep the heat in. One day, a woman I work with stopped by my office to ask about something and mentioned that people here (and one person specifically who I want to have a good rapport with) often see a closed door as uninviting/uncollaborative. It wasn’t a big deal, but since then, I’ve only kept my door closed for phone calls.

       If you work with her at all, find something to go to her about and just mention casually that closed doors are viewed negatively in your office.

    4. Just go tell her that she’ll have more luck integrating if she keeps her door open. Ingratiate yourself to her as someone who will help her navigate the unwritten rules of the office. Your lack of authority probably actually helps here. And note that this is something particular to your office, not something true in every office (though probably more often than not for summers, since they are supposed to be patently available). But if you can avoid it, I’d avoid telling her others noticed her breach of form and commented on it. She’ll come to learn soon enough that every single thing she does as a firm lawyer is noted, evaluated, critiqued, gossiped about, judged, etc. and her peformance and competence is actually evaluated on a daily basis, if not more often. That still shocks and frustrates me after years.

    5. Please tell her. The associates at my firm were really great about telling us that when we were summers (even though once you’re here full time it’s actually less true in my department and also depends on where your office is located).

       I’m sure she’ll really appreciate it if it’s told in a “I’m not sure if anybody told you but it’s generally an open door office” sort of way. Much better you noticing and telling her than the managing partner.

    6. Not sure what your policy on lunching with SAs is but is this something where you could take her out to lunch (alone) and mention it? If not, I’d just swing by her office to say hi/welcome her and mention it then. I think it will be easier for her to hear it from someone junior because she’s less likely to freak out about it. And yeah, as Betty said, I’d frame it as “We genenrally don’t close our doors here. That’s especially important advice to keep in mind as a summer because you have such a limited time to get to know people” or something like that.

    7. An associate did this to a friend of mine while we were summering – knocked when the door was closed, walked in and said “you know, we’ve got an open door policy around here.” and then continued on whatever conversation he wanted to have. It worked. I wouldn’t make it a big deal – especially not something to schedule a lunch or meeting about.

       1. This is how I would do it.

    8. It’d be nice of you to tell her. You could do it the quick way advised above, or make it a conversation about office culture in general, with this as an example of the kind of thing she should pay attention to.

    9. It seems superficial (maybe not the right word) to mention it, but it is absolutely the right thing to do. It might be a little uncomfortable because she doesn’t report to you, but we all need our blind spots pointed out to us. Otherwise it takes us forever and ever to learn the ropes.

12. How did any of you married/partnered ladies know whether you individual v. marriage/family counseling would be most helpful? While I am generally a happy person, and I love my life, life has just become overwhelming for me lately: six months pregnant with our second, husband just diagnosed with celiac’s, our son may have celiac’s too but is too young to be tested, husband may be in line for a promotion, which would be great! but would take up even more time this fall, I am in a transition in my career, etc. I just feel like I need someone, other than my husband, to talk to and process everything. Husband and I have been fighting alot but we still love each other very much. I think marriage counseling could be helpful but part of what I need is someone to help me so that I can support my husband through what he is going through too. That and I’m terrified of PPD with all this going on. Anyone sought out individual counseling so that you could better handle your life/avoid PPD/be a better support for your spouse?

    1. I’ve done individual therapy as well as couples therapy (with the same therapist) during periods when life is particularly tough. My hubby has bipolar disorder, so often he was already seeing the therapist himself, we just added sessions for me and us to make sure everyone was working towards healthy. I would recommend it. I think the outside perspective is useful. If you have an EAP, you likely get a certain number of sessions covered per issue. If you’re like me, you can always find a “new” issue to discuss after sessions for issue #1 get extinguished….

       Taking care of yourself is an important part of being able to take care of others. Hang in there!

    2. Some therapists won’t see you as a couple if they have a working relationship with one person already. But, it doesn’t hurt to start with individual therapy and then see if couples counseling is something you think might help.

13. I’m going to spend a weekend visiting family in a couple of weeks and my mom has emailed me asking to talk “privately” with her about “invested money and a will for [her].” My mom and step-dad have never combined finances. When they got married, the reason was that my step-dad had two teenaged daughters he still paid child support and other expenses for (I was in my mid-20s and long since on my own) so it was easier to just keep the money separate. My youngest step-sister is now 22 but they still have totally separate finances. It’s not my place to say how married people should handle their money, but given what I know about my mother, I’m guessing she wants to squirrel away money without telling my step-dad about it. My step-dad is a good guy. My mom has a deep distrust of men, especially husbands (she is very upset that my husband and I combined our finances and that I don’t have any money of my “own” — um, I earn 3/4 of our household income, so I’m not terribly worried). I don’t want to get dragged into doing something behind SD’s back because I like him and don’t want to be in the middle of my parents’ marriage. If I say “hey, I don’t like doing things behind SD’s back,” she’ll say I’m not taking her side. She’s already annoyed with me because I wasn’t sufficiently outraged at the fact that she was not invited to my cousin’s wedding. She doesn’t like this cousin and didn’t intend to go to the wedding even if invited. This cousin doesn’t have much money and for all I know may have had an extremely limited guest list (I wasn’t invited, either, but didn’t really lose sleep over it). When I pointed out that my cousin was entitled to whatever guest list she wanted and that my mom didn’t intend to go to the wedding even if invited, she said I was being argumentative and ended the conversation. I’m generally tired of her complaining about everyone in the family all the time. If it isn’t SD who doesn’t treat her well, it’s this cousin or that cousin, or my aunt, or my step-sisters. It’s always someone. I used to go along with what she’d say, but I’ve gotten tired of it and so have started pointing out that either the person isn’t treating her badly, or that she did something to provoke bad treatment. This doesn’t go over well and she tells me that I’m just being difficult on purpose. I realize I’m just complaining about her now, but we used to have a really good relationship when I was younger and we still have good moments. It’s just that as she’s gotten older, she’s gotten more crotchety, I guess. I don’t know how to say no to helping her deceive my SD without being accused of ruining the visit by being difficult.

    1. You’re judging to quickly before talking to her. Find out what she wants. If it sounds like she’s hiding stuff from SD and you don’t feel comfortable about that, then say so at that time. But listen to her first. Women of a certain age are more sensitive to the fact that they should have something of their own squirreled away and especially since it’s a blended family, there may be more of an incentive to protect her “stuff” from her step children.

    2. Can you side-step some of this be suggesting she seek advice from a third party investment advisor and attorney? Are you are lawyer per chance? There may be some ethical lines about drafting wills and such in which you are a beneficiary. So you may be able to beg off the conversation that way too.

    3. I agree that you should hear her out before judging. If it sounds like she is trying to pull one over on SD, ask her if she’s discussed wills with your SD. Ask her if she knows SD’s plan for the distribution of his assets. Also, considering that your SD has his own children, and you were an adult when they married, your mom might be trying to ensure that she is looking out for you (because presumably your SD will leave his assets to his children). She could also want you to be the executor of her estate, be the point person for any health care directives, etc.

       I imagine that when you’ve been divorced and remarried, you learn some stuff from your first marriage about what you will or will not do/tolerate. For instance, my parents just finalized a very contentious divorce and my mom said that if she were to ever get married again she’d get a pre-nup and marry a man who can drive without making her naseous. No harm in your mother looking out for herself or her money.

    4. If you want to avoid the drama completely, tell her your professional advice (assuming you are a professional that could handle finances/a will) is to see an attorney. She’s allowed to do what she wants behind SD’s back…but you don’t have to be a part of it.

       You can even make up something about how/why you can’t help her out.

       If you DO for some reason get roped in, I’d tell her you can help in whatever way you can, but you’d like SD to be aware of it so there are no surprises down the road. She can write him out of her will if she wants- but she should tell him about it now.

14. TJ: does anybody have a recommendation for men’s suits in NYC? SO is starting as a summer associate in biglaw and somehow made it through interviews with atrocious, ill-fitting suits. Thankfully, he realizes that he needs to invest in proper business attire! Since these will be his first real suits, he doesn’t feel comfortable ordering online.

    TIA!

    1. Check out Alton Lane. They do custom suits. Depending on the fabric (it can get really nice and really expensive), there are a number of suits in more affordable fabrics that make the price comparable to buying something off the rack. The wait time can be a bit long though, he might want to buy something at Banana or J. Crew initially.

    2. JCrew and Brooks Brothers both have nice mens’ suits. The Jcrew ones are a bit more modern/slim. In BB, the Fitzgerald cut is probably the best one for a younger man – it’s their most modern version. For JCrew, he’ll want to go to their mens’ store on Madison and E79th (or thereabouts). Most alumni and bar associations offer 15% off “corporate” membership cards to BB; if he still has his student ID, JCrew does offer students 15% off everything. He can also open a store card if he is going to purchase a few together to help offset the cost. There are also frequent promotions so he should sign up for emails. Jcrew has one now that gets you $75 off if you spend 250+ or something like that (but they sometimes have a 25% off everything promo, which I think would be better). I think BB has a 30% off one coming up, I will check when I get home. I’d recommend he make friends with a sales associate at BB and they can alert him to the best time to get suits.

       Of course, these aren’t cheap especially if you’re buying multiples, so he may want to go for one of those 3 for 1 deals at Men’s Warehouse to tide him over and then start building his better suit wardrobe slowly. Jos. A. Bank is another option if he wants to not spend too much. I am sure both places will have Memorial Day sales.

15. Terrifying article in the Post today. I’d be curious to hear thoughts from anyone who works in this space.

    http://www.washingtonian.com/articles/people/children-are-dying/index.php

    1. That is so sad and so scary. it seems like everyone from the manufacturers, to the FDA, to the hospitals are trying to cover their own a**es instead of openly discussing the problem in an attempt to fix it quickly and appropriately. Can’t really blame them since if they are the only ones to do so then it could really hurt them.

16. Does anyone have interviewing anxiety advice? I had a first round internal interview on Monday, and it’s very close to a dream job – I honestly wasn’t sure I was even qualified, so I’m even more excited to know I’m an actual candidate. I think my first interview went well and I was told that I would know about a second-round interview by the end of next week. Now I’m just trying to walk the line and be appropriately assertive without being annoying. Please talk me off the ledge and tell me not to call/email anyone until after the end of next week. I’m so tempted to do a follow up email, or something similar. I’ve written and mailed the traditional interview thank you note, so that’s covered.

    1. I just went through a similar situation. The waiting around is the worst part, for sure. It’s important to remember that this interview will happen on the company’s timeline, not yours. The manager might have a vacation planned, the interviewers may have some other crisis to deal with that you don’t know about; there could be any number of reasons why it is taking a long time to schedule your follow-up interview. None of them are your fault or under your control, so just go with it. If they gave you a timeframe of “the end of next week,” don’t contact them until then, and maybe wait until the beginning of the following week to send them a quick email asking for an update. It’s just one of those things where the interview is much more urgent for you than for them, and you have to accept that.

       Good luck!

17. Hickey Freeman outlet. I think there’s one at Woodbury Common, which is probably closest to you.

18. I just need to internet scream for a minute.

    Twenty-three weeks pregnant…and the comments about my appearance are really getting on my nerves.

    The women are mostly like “oh look your belly is showing!” and it’s annoying, but I know they’re happy for me and just trying to commiserate. But a man just came up to me and said “Is that a basketball under your shirt??” I said “ah yes those are my favorite comments these days” and then playfully “you better be careful or next time I might call you out on YOUR appearance.”

    WORLD: unless you are family or BFFs, the ONLY comment on a pregnant lady’s appearance that is OK is “You look great.”

    I’m gonna go get a pedicure right now because that will make me feel pretty. :-)

    1. I should add that I’m not trying to be petty and I know that people only comment because they are happy for me…but I want to be treated like a professional at work, not a pregnant lady!

       1. Is this your first? I didn’t realize until I tried to buy an external hard drive with my babe in my arms, that as bad as the overly-personal comments pregnant women get, they’re nothing compared to the assumptions that you had a lobotomy with the delivery. Not trying to bring you down, just warning you in case you didn’t know.

19. A big shout out and thank you to the snarky anon who introduced me to “let me google that for you” the other day, I just used it on my friend and it was awesome!

20. Just took my first BarBri MBE practice quiz today and only scored a 72%. Please please someone tell me BarBri questions are harder than the real thing…

    1. Why? A 72% is great. You need a D to pass the MBE. You are in your first week of BarBri and just scored a 72. that is great. relax :)

       1. Ditto. Lots of people get, like, 30% on the first one and do just fine.

    2. Yes, I found BarBri harder than the real thing. Also a 72% is normally well above passing. Also it is the first practice test, you will improve a lot with time. Relax. :)

    3. is this one of those humblebrags? A 72 percent is really good for a practice test in August, nevermind now. I think I got a 30 on my first test

    4. I agree, a 72% is GREAT. Way above average. I recently took my second bar exam and there were one or two MBE subjects that I never got a 72% in before the exam. I passed without any issue. The important thing is to review the correct answers for the questions you got wrong so you can understand the reasoning for the future.

       Breathe. This is just the beginning. Keep on track and studying as Barbri tells you and you will be prepared. It’s way too early to freak out.:)

    5. Yes, this means you will fail. Everyone knows that the first test that is offered as a diagnostic is the best indicator of future performance after studying for an entire summer. ;-)

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