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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
After two years of videoconferences and getting dressed from the waist up, I am ready for fun pants. This pair from Lauren Ralph Lauren is bold, but still office-appropriate, and the straight cut looks more current than the skinny ankle pants I’ve been wearing for years.
I would pair this vibrant red color with a camel sweater blazer or V-neck sweater.
The pants are $145 at Bloomingdale’s — but a discount at checkout brings them down to $108 — and come in sizes 0–16.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
emeralds
I wanted to give a shout-out to whichever one of you folks mentioned using Smartsheet in passing on a thread about project management at least two years ago. My team implemented it after striking out with a few other project management systems and we’re going through a ticky-tacky sequential work phase right now that used to be an absolute nightmare to manage. My boss just asked me to “thank your friend who recommended Smartsheet again” so…here I am :)
Cornellian
Not me, but very cute.
Anon
Does anyone have an app to help keep track of seasonal house tasks and to dos? Like reminders to buy salt before it snows or to schedule furnace maintenance or swap the filters humidifier?
Maybe it has a long list and I just highlight the ones relevant fo my house/climate and it prompts me occasionally to think about these things?
AIMS
I just use my calendar app and set things to annual. Like “schedule physical” or “cancel X”
Bonnie Kate
+1 I use the calendar app for this.
Senior Attorney
Same.
Cat
we just made a running list in a Google doc as we went one year, and now we just add or remove as things occur.
like- we are forever forgetting to plant some bulbs in cool weather as required- so that got added to the list when we (doh!) remembered just now.
Anona
Same — we were paying as things happened, so we kept running into expenses that tanked our monthly discretionary budget, so we finally plugged the services into a running annual budget that tracks larger planned expenses by month. That was helpful in triggering when to call the various providers. Also, I used to be hesitant to set service contracts, but now I do bc it’s easier to plan the expenses.
anon
That’s what we do, too.
Mouse
I use Tody for this and all other house maintenance chores. I have let it slide a bit though so I need to reset everything and start from fresh
Anonymous
Does anyone know where there is a list of these tasks in general? I’m about to move into my first house and there’s a lot I don’t know.
Anons
Houzz.com publishes monthly and seasonal outside and inside home maintenance task articles that are great, and the comments are pretty extensive with more ideas too.
Anon
Martha Stewart’s Housekeeping charts on her website. She’s got really handy charts for daily, weekly, monthly and seasonal tasks. I’ve printed them out and taped them inside cupboard doors.
AIMS
I don’t think these pants are for me but I love the idea of them in an alternate reality where I wear bright red pants.
Anon
Same. They’re so fun but I’m not sure wide leg cropped pants work on my curvy size 16 figure.
Anonymous
I think they’re GREAT on a curvy size 16 figure. They’re cropped, which I find makes all the difference in not making me look wide from the hips all the way to the floor, and they look pretty fluid (not stiff), which means they’ll relax back against the body as you move. AND those wider legs offer more flex on fitting for me (because my legs are also . . . wide).
Anonymous
+1, I love this cut. Ralph Lauren also has a great looking pair in ponte knit that I have on order.
Ribena
I think it depends on your curves and your figure. My legs are muscly and my torso is the bit of me that’s ‘fluffy’ so I prefer to wear closer fitting clothes on my legs and looser tops. Often that means a flared dress with tights but can also mean a slightly looser top with skinny jeans or slim fitting trousers
Curious
Hello fellow fluffy torso! I like my legs, too.
cat socks
Same here with the fluffy torso! I also prefer slimmer fitting pants and looser tops.
CFS
When I could fit into them I loved slightly cropped red or pink trousers for work in the summer. Chuck on a burgandy/cobalt blue/white/black top and you were set for the day in a bright and cheerful outfit.
I always like bright colours and wearing brighter on the bottom half allowed me to wear darker on the top, which can be useful if you are in an unairconditioned office and are worried about sweat stains.
Go for it
I love them! Alas they are too high waisted for my body type.
Anonymous
Miranda Sings (Colleen Balinger) ruined red pants for me forever sadly.
Anon
Has anyone seen Questlove’s Summer of Soul documentary? I really want to see it, but I am also looking for a movie about a significant positive local event that would be suitable for middle-schoolers and was hoping that this might be suitable viewing for that age group (if not, I will still watch, but will hunt on for another movie of the documentary variety). Thanks all! [It looks to be terrific, so based on the NPR story on this, I was wanting to watch and it just won an Oscar for best documentary.]
Anon
It’s rated PG13, I think for drinking and drug use (nothing more than what you’d expect at a music festival, but I guess some people could find it objectionable). I actually found it sort of boring, but I often find music movies boring so I might not be the best judge (I only made it 20 minutes into the Velvet Underground doc that came our this year, but I did love all 8 hours of the Beatles one so I guess it just depends).
On the other hand, these definitely won’t work for your students, but for anyone else looking for movie ideas, several of the other Oscar nominated docs were also really great and I’d highly recommend them- Attica was horrifying, Ascension a fascinating look at life in China, and Flee a really interesting use of animation to tell a moving story about an Afghan refugee. They’re all streaming.
Anon
Loved the movie. Not sure would appeal to middle-schoolers unless they were into the music. I was left touched by the “look backs” from musicians but also how we keep on fighting the same fights against racism.
Allie
I loved it. I think you’d have to watch to see if it would hold middle schooler’s attention. Not sure it would. I don’t know if it would be appropriate but I’d consider How to Survive a Plague about ActUp if you want a local documentary that speaks to the power of the human spirit and is highly relevant to the present.
Annony
I would LOVE to recommend “Paper & Glue” … it’s a documentary about the artist JR and it follows a few different installations … at a prison in CA, the Mexico border, a favela and a neighborhood in France. So inspiring!! We took our 13 yo to a screening and she loved it.
Anon
My husband loved it. I was in and out of the room while he was watching it and it didn’t hold my attention, but I was also on deadline and working late so that was a factor. Nothing objectionable, so I wouldn’t worry wait your kids watching it.
Anonymous
We are watching The Rescue (Nat Geo/Disney Plus) with my middle schoolers, in conjunction with reading All Thirteen. It’s about the cave rescue of the Thai boys soccer team in 2018. The documentary is a little one-sided (focuses primarily on the divers) but paired with the book it’s phenomenal.
FormerlyPhilly
What paint finish do you suggest — flat, matte, or eggshell for walls and ceilings of living room and dining room? Living room faces west, dining room faces east. Painting Benny Moore Distant Grey in both rooms. Leaving millwork (upper, lower, around windows and doors in 1925) existing white color.
Anon
Flat for ceiling.
I like flat for walls (so I can touch up, this is a perpetual issue and maybe also a “me” problem), but YMMV and other commenters may have opinions. I am finding matte to be the worst of all possible worlds — not scrubbable and you need to repaint the whole wall so it’s not obvious if you just need to touch up a few scuffs (kiddo with black instrument case seems to ricochet around the house lately).
Anon
We have matte paint on our walls and I hate it. I can’t clean marks off of our walls; I have to paint over them. Every six weeks or so I go around the house with a paint can and paintbrush and paint over what I would normally be able to take off in two seconds with either a damp cloth or a Magic Eraser. I love our interior paint color (Sherwin-Williams Natural Linen) but really wish the previous owners had gone with a different finish. And, as you mention, some of the frequently-painted-over areas now look weird on the wall. Because of the myriad issues with the matte paint, we’ll have to repaint the interior in a few years and I’m going to go with either flat or eggshell finish.
Cat
I like eggshell best for durability and not absorbing light. It doesn’t hide imperfections quite as well as the other two if that’s a concern, though. (You could go flat or matte on the ceiling and eggshell for the walls.)
Go for it
Flat in ceiling
Eggshell for walls
Bonnie Kate
+1 to both of these finishes.
Anonymous
Agreed, this is what I was told originally and I have done this every time I have had a room painted. Works well for me
Anon
Flat for ceiling and we use Benjamin Moore Aura Matte for walls. Haven’t had a problem washing off marks.
Anon
You should specifically buy ceiling paint for ceilings. I also always do flat for walls. I find that it wipes off just fine and eggshell doesn’t touch up well. It’s also better if you live in an older house becuase it hides imperfections.
Carrots
I have to travel to Seattle at the end of August and considering expanding my time out there for about a week. Recommendations for out that way? I’m open to renting a car for part of it and driving outside of the city as well and seeing some places.
Anon
Go to the San Juan Islands and maybe Vancouver. I added a week onto a Seattle conference years ago and did exactly this, driving back from Vancouver to Seattle for the (much cheaper) flight home. I only visited two of the islands. It was a great trip.
Anon
eat at biscuit btch, and the food’s just as good at any of their satellite locations, so you don’t need to wait for the downtown one. Pike’s Place Market is sort of a must for me when I go, although I recognize it’s touristy. I like chinatown (food!) and Uwajimaya grocery store. I also enjoyed taking the ferry to Victoria, and exploring around Victoria (including Butchart Gardens, the beaches, the fooood (Pagliacci’s, Il Terrazzo), and high tea – although, maybe overrated? at the Empress).
Curious
Victoria is beautiful! It’s the cheapest way for us to feel like we’ve been to Europe. Obviously it’s Canadian, but the architecture feels very British colonial. Alternatively, Port Townsend, on the Kitsap Peninsula, gives a similar feel, and you could visit there on the way to Lake Crescent / Hurricane Ridge / the Hoh River / First Beach. That’s a more nature-intensive tour than the cities others have mentioned. Another option is North Cascades national park / Winthrop-Methow / Yakima wine country / Leavenworth as a sort-of loop (Yakima is a little bit of a detour but feels like a less expensive Napa to me).
Anon
Drive 30 minutes from Seattle in any direction and you’re somewhere gorgeous. It’s a really beautiful part of the world. Unfortunately, it’s also wildfire season (apparently every year now) at the end of August so be prepared to have to hide in your hotel room or leave early (if flights are even taking off).
Curious
Ah, yes, I missed the timing on this. I probably would not go east of Seattle (Leavenworth/ Winthrop/ North Cascades) then. The Olympic Peninsula does sometimes have fires, but it’s a safer bet because it’s wetter. Last August we had minimal smoke in Seattle because we got lucky with wind patterns (air quality went bad maybe one or two days, was moderate to unhealthy for sensitive groups another maybe 9 days?), but the prior years were worse.
Anon
Seattelite here. I book camping trips in multiple locations (San Juan site, Olympics on the west coast beach, Olympics on the north coast) and cancel whichever ones depending on wildfires and wind patterns. The wildfire situation is true, and this reminds me to add another booking for a place with an indoor pool in case everywhere is smoky and we have to stay indoors. It is beautiful when there aren’t wildfires. Hard pass on anything in Seattle, due to crime and lack of effective police.
Seattle Freeze
Also a Seattleite and this of course depends on where you are and your own personal risk tolerance. I wouldn’t hang out at Third & Pike/Pine or walk around downtown at night these days, but you can certainly enjoy much of the city very safely, right alongside the other residents and tourists.
Anon
Susan Collins is a yes on Judge Jackson. That’s … not nothing.
Anon
Seems like the least she could do. She’s been such a wishy-washy mess. Maybe this opens up the possibility for others to do the right thing (cough, Ben Sasse).
anon
Yea I am hardly impressed by this from her.
Anon
+1
Anon
Eh, Ben Sasse disagrees with her judicial philosophy. He can vote against her for that. He at least treated her with respect and his statement was appropriate and kind. I don’t agree with him, but I do think it’s an example of how you can vote against a nominee without being a jerk (cough, Ted Cruz, cough).
Anon
She has previously said ghat she will vote for any qualified nominee. I first recall her saying this circa 2014.
Anon
And she’s been pretty consistent on that…
Anon
Even votes for unqualified nominees on occasion. Or should I say, nominees who should be disqualified?
I don’t like the photo with Collins and Jackson on the front page of the NYT. Jackson looks too humble. Jackson is crazy qualified and hugely courageous and should be depicted with gravitas. Loved the photo with her daughter though. Hope my daughters look at me with that admiration and love one day.
Anon
She isn’t “crazy qualified.” She is qualified in the sense of being a lawyer (not actually a requirement), being very smart, and doing good work at her jobs. Being a district court judge isn’t good experience for SCOTUS, and she’s been on the federal bench for less than a year. I thought that Kagan was more qualified, despite never having been a judge, because of her professional and academic experience.
Horse Crazy
Woo f-ing hoo.
anonymous
I’m supposed to go on my first business trip next week since 2020. It’s going to be a big group of 40 people in meetings all day. I’ve vaccinated and boosted, but have been feeling a bit under the weather this week. I’m planning on getting a COVID test. If it’s positive, I’m within my rights to cancel travel, correct? I’m getting a lot of pressure to attend in person but there are options to attend virtually as well. I’ve been to these meetings before where it’s a waste of time and money to attend in person. I’m struggling with some difficult stuff at home, which is spiking my anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s crazy, but I wish I would test positive for COVID so I have a legitimate excuse not to attend.
Cat
Um yes not only are you within your rights but you are obligated!!! if you test positive you should not be going anywhere for the CDC recommended time period!!!
I am one who doesn’t fear Covid for health reasons but if you brought Covid to a conference and then I couldn’t go abroad bc I caught it from you I would be livid.
anon
OMG yes if you’re positive you do not go!
Allie
Yes, of course! Also you should be rapid testing every day you’re not feeling well if that might affect upcoming plans.
anonymous
Thanks all. So far it is just a sore throat and stuffy nose, but I’ll probably go in to get tested today or tomorrow. I was only given a week’s notice that I would need to travel and the whole situation combined with personal stuff is rather stressful. I want to attend virtually just because it would be better for my mental health. But I feel uncomfortable saying that because of the stigma and it not being a legitimate reason.
Allie
Just buy six rapid tests at the drugstore and test everyday. Why do you have to go in?
Anon
This, I just don’t understand people. Stay home if you’re sick. Whether it’s a cold or Covid, don’t forking travel with it. Get rapid tests so you know what you’re dealing with.
Anon
Ehh I would get a PCR if I was symptomatic and had to travel. Rapid tests are not that accurate, especially early.
Allie
That was true prior to omicron but isn’t anymore . . .
Anon
Are you saying Omicron has made PCRs less accurate or rapid tests more accurate? Do you have a source? Anecdotally, I know many people who had several days of negative rapids (with symptoms) before a PCR in the Omicron era. Apparently vaccinated people often develop symptoms before the viral load is detectable on an antigen test because the vaccine helps your body mount an immune response ASAP and symptoms are really from the immune response, not the virus itself.
Anne-on
I’d go get tested for strep/flu. There are a TON of respiratory infections going around now that schools are unmasked and spring break travelers brought all sorts of germs back. Even if you don’t have coivd not attending when you have a nasty infection/strep is something we need to normalize!
I’ve been the younger person who attended in person meetings/trainings with flu (a manager pressured me to come in ‘just for half days’ and ‘you can rest in the afternoon’), migraines, bad colds, etc. It was ‘weak’ not to go and I caved, but dear lord looking back I want to shake myself for not setting better boundaries.
Walnut
Covid or no covid, if you’re not feeling well, I don’t want to sit next to you on the airplane, in a conference room, at dinner…
Anonymous
+1, I was nervous about COVID at my first business meeting a month ago but then even more nervous (and pissed) at my coworker who decided to show up the day after she took a sick day to care for her stomach-virus-infected kids who were “puking all over the place.” Hard pass. Just not interested in getting people’s viruses in the name of face time. This lady was hugging everyone and pulled a chair up next to me for our 8 hour meeting.
Anon
+1
I’m not at all conservative on COVID, but I think the biggest takeaway we should all have from this is IF YOU ARE SICK, STAY HOME.
Anonymous
I mean obviously if you actually have Covid you don’t go. Unclear why this is even a question.
Bonnie Kate
Yes – even where I am (midwest area that opened much earlier than east/west coast cities) – if you test positive, you don’t go to in person meetings. Period. Even people who don’t think covid is that big of a deal would still be ticked.
Bonnie Kate
Edit – Even people who don’t think covid is that big of a deal would still be ticked if you went and exposed them knowingly, because no one wants to get it/deal with being sick.
Anonymous
You shouldn’t go if you test positive, and if you test negative you still shouldn’t go if you have symptoms. It is extremely rude to get other people sick.
Walnut
Yes! Two years later and we still haven’t learned to stay the eff home when we’re sick.
Anne-on
The amount of times I was told ‘oh just come in for the meeting, sit in the back, and skip the dinner, it’ll be fine!’ is insane. People are not robots, and we shouldn’t have to power through stuff like this just because other people did it when they were younger.
Anon
On the day where I was the sickest I’ve ever been in my adult life (I had the flu), I was pressured to go into work because we had a team in from out of town and “it’s going to look bad if you’re not here; we really need everyone in the room for the meeting. You can sit in the back and leave early” and as it turned out, I was there all day. I took four DayQuil to try to get through the day without collapsing. Never, never, never again.
I have also traveled when sick (because like the OP, I felt pressured and didn’t feel like I could bail on the trip) and ended up with a combined sinus infection and bronchitis from what probably would have been just a cold had I stayed home. Again – never, never, never again. My health is more important than some meeting.
Anonymous
I was once forced to come in and make a presentation and meet with a bigwig, then go home and stay up all night writing a proposal, all while sick with pneumonia and a 103-degree fever.
I am now the person who tells management that they need to stop sending e-mails on the weekend and taking meetings from hospital rooms, and literally just wagged my finger at one of my staff for insisting on working (remotely) while she was sick.
Curious
Walnut — saw your note yesterday that there are no mets to your liver. You must be so relieved. But having it wrecked by chemo is still scary and frustrating. I’m sorry to hear it :(
Walnut
Thanks! Cancer is such a weird journey. I’m still learning how to live with the anxiety around the scan/test/biopsy cycles.
Curious
Yeah. I hear you for sure.
OP
I have a COVID test scheduled for this afternoon. I really do not want to travel, but the organizers of the meeting are talking about how important is to meet in person. This new software product we’re launching is the best thing ever, etc. So it’s a lot of pressure, but I’m going to push back. Thanks for support in saying no to unnecessary travel.
Anon
It’s a no to travel when you’re sick. How is this a question? Your Covid status is frankly irrelevant if you’re symptomatic with anything.
Anon
If your people don’t get it, that’s a them problem. People should not travel when sick regardless of if they have Covid or not. It’s bad for you to be traveling and stressing your system when you’re already ill, and your not-so-serious-for-you illness could be quite serious for someone who’s immune suppressed, if they come into close contact with you in the airport, on the plane, at the meeting, etc.
It’s amazing to me we’re still having to have these conversations.
Anonymous
I understand where you’re coming from. We’re experiencing a backlash against remote anything. People who always preferred meeting in person are now militant about it. I had hoped the pandemic would create more tolerance for remote work, ESPECIALLY if you’re sick, but it seems to be the opposite rn, at least from the squeakiest wheels. I think like 90% of people in attendance would greatly prefer you stay home if you have a cold even if it’s not Covid. But that 10% is super up in arms about being remote for any reason and it makes it really hard to say no.
OP
My company has multiple locations around the US. I’m now a permanent WFH employee b/c the smaller office building in my city was shut down in 2020 to save on real estate costs. The rest of the company is actually scheduled to go back into the office next week. The HQ location where the meeting will be is going to be extra busy with more people. Overall the company has been good about supporting remote work, but the group on this particular project is more pro in-person.
Elsa
It has been forever since I last interviewed for a job. How do you respectfully and casually inquire about the work/life balance of a place? Big law I just assumed it would be terrible and didn’t bother asking. But I’m moving out of big law hopefully and want to confirm that no one will be emailing me at 11pm (barring emergencies).
Cat
Get the offer and then ask to talk to people who would be your peers.
Anonymous
People may disagree with this advice but I just asked. I didn’t do it in the first interview – I waited until I got farther down the line and I asked the folks who would be my peers. I said point blank “I’m leaving BigLaw because I need a better work life balance. Can you tell me what your typical daily schedule looks like, in both a regular week and a busy week?” And then I followed up with questions about what types of “emergency” things require night/weekend hours and flexibility for doctors appointments, etc.
I am extremely hardworking and am happy to put in time where needed and that comes through in interviews. I spent 6 years at a firm known for its extremely long hours/on call all the time requirements. So I was not worried about anyone thinking I wouldn’t put time in where needed.
Anon
Me too. I interview when I’m not desperate so I can ask the hard questions. I think it’s important to know what you’re getting into. This extends to everything, not just WLB.
Elsa
Me too. I interview when I’m not desperate so I can ask the hard questions. I think it’s important to know what you’re getting into. This extends to everything, not just WLB.
Allie
After offer I flat out ask– both my potential future supervisor and peers. I couch it as I’m willing to work hard, and put in crazy hours when needed, but overall on balance want to make sure I see my kids regularly, am free for family dinner, can pick them up from school early if they’re sick etc. It’s too important to me to not have the direct conversation.
pugsnbourbon
Do you find that employers are generally honest with you? It’s in their best interest, obviously, but I can see how a hiring manager, after making an offer, might sugarcoat the situation to get the applicant to accept.
Allie
I think it helps to get a direct commitment from my supervisor — like if my supervisor has assured me that she’ll let me leave to pick up my sick kid, she kind of has to let me leave to pick up my sick kid. I talk to multiple peers to try to get a more honest overall assessment so I do think you need both.
Anona
I also used to do my own due diligence on law firms by driving by on random nights after 6 to see if lights were on and people were in the offices. It’s unfortunately not quite as foolproof as it used to be before WFH was so common, but would also be a HUGE red flag if a bunch of people were in their offices now!
Anon
This is so smart!
BeenThatGuy
I recently conducted multiple interviews to hire an open position on my team. Every single candidate asked me to “explain the company culture” or “tell me about work/life balance at Big Name CRE”. I assume this is the new normal in interviews (non-law).
Anon
If the culture is good, people will bring it up affirmatively and have specific examples (like no one emails me when I’m on vacation or I have appreciated the flexibility to attend kid events or deal with school closures). If it doesn’t you can certainly ask peers about it after you have an offer but I wouldn’t be very confident in the honesty at that point.
InfoGeek
In the interview, you can ask what a typical day looks like.
In many situations, you can ask what the standard hours for the job are and how often people work outside of normal hours.
And also note that in some business environments an 11 PM e-mail doesn’t assume an immediate response. I work with team members all over the world, so there’s no way to confine communication to working hours for a single time zone.
Allie
As an interviewer I don’t love the question what does a typical day look like — you’re clearly asking about hours without just doing it.
anonshmanon
Can you say more about why you don’t like it? Would you prefer candidates not ask, or ask more directly?
Digby
That’s interesting, because what I would mean with that question is “What kind of work, on what deadlines? Is it all crises (or “crises”), or all meetings, or all solitary struggles with tedious yet essential tasks? Higher level thinking tasks or patching the system with gum and twine emergency work?”
Anon
Not true, I ask because I want to know the ratio of meetings to nose-down working time.
No Problem
But I would want to know a lot more about what a typical day looks like than the hours. Am I constantly being interrupted with time-critical tasks? Am I going to be waiting around for work? Will I be doing a lot of collective strategizing and collaborating, or doing my own thing and just presenting it to a group or my manager? Am I spending most of my time in meetings, or most of my time doing my own work? Is my day over when I’ve done what I need to do that day, or do I need some kind of signal to end my day (or I need to “work” until 5 or 6 regardless of how much is on my plate)? Is the pace of things generally pretty calm and deliberative, or is it hectic and high energy?
Anon
I agree. I want to hear someone is excited and passionate about the work. In my case, long hours weren’t expected and only happened occasionally but I didn’t prefer candidates who led with how little they wanted to work.
Anon
“I didn’t prefer candidates who led with how little they wanted to work.”
Check yourself. If I ask about work hours or what a typical day looks like, I am not indicating that I want to work the least amount possible. I am assessing whether or not this job and your work environment are going to allow me to take care of my family, my pets, myself, and everything I need to do with my life outside of work. There’s no point in continuing conversations with an employer who wants to monopolize my time and make sure I am constantly scrambling to have someone else pick up my kid, take my mom to her doctor’s appointment, etc. Your employees work for you. You do not own them. P.S. – if you’re having trouble attracting or retaining people, I have some ideas as to why that might be.
anonshmanon
I appreciate that my current workplace allows me to have a healthy work-life balance. I am passionate about the work and put in the hours when we have deadlines, and always think about improving and going the extra mile. But I can only do that sustainably when my time off is protected and I can pull back a little after a big push. I think I am not the exception, and I prefer to be honest about the way I work rather than pretending to live for work while interviewing, and being hired into a bad fit.
Anonymous
Not an attorney, but I’ve learned not to even ask. Folks are never honest and the only thing it can do is ding you in the interview for potentially looking not committed enough. The only chance to get a sense is if you get the opportunity to talk with those potentially reporting to you and maaaaybe if you get a one on one with a peer. Again, though, I think few organizations are honest (I think a lot of workers aren’t even honest with themselves!). I usually get a better feel for viewing how peers interact with each other, asking specifics around timelines with projects. If you dig into questions about what they do and don’t like about the culture or job, you can sometimes get a feel. I think a lot is just plain old luck of the draw though.
anon
Besides this site, what forums do you participate in on a regular basis?
I’m not really looking for blogs to read per se, but rather seeking out online communities of people who have thoughtful/interesting things to say around various life/money/career topics.
Katrinka
Ask a Manager’s comment threads tend to be pretty interesting and on similar topics to here
I also like Reddit because the system of “upvoting” means that in a robust thread, you’re pushed toward the comments most people found useful. There are subreddits for every topic under the sun.
Cat
+1 to subreddits of interest
I used to be active at AAM but the comment base there often seems to lack perspective and has a severe case of Special Snowflake Syndrome. Combine that with increasingly-preposterous letters and Alison’s gradually-lessening recent actual management experience, I only click over occasionally. Bummer because I always loved it like… a decade ago.
Anon
100% agree for exactly the reasons you mention. What a shame that a professional resource became a nonsense tabloid instead.
Anon
I read it just for the crazy comments!
Anon
Reddit. You just have to avoid most of it, lol.
Anon
I don’t even avoid most of it and am quite entertained.
Anon
+1. I love some of the cat and art subreddits. I also love AITA. But that’s it for me.
Anon
Relationship advice is good. I also follow legal advice and the subs for a couple of TV shows I’m into (Succession, which was much more active when the show was airing)
Anon
Curating your feed is an art form. It takes a lot of time and ruthlessness, but it’s worth it. I also recommend using an extension like RES to customize everything. I use it to see what’s on popular, just with all the garbage filtered out (particularly sports).
Anonymous
I also read AAM and specific subreddits like other people have commented here, but I also love the Washington Post Reader Q & As (formerly known as Live Chats), where there are specific columnists that have an hour each week to answer questions posted by the community. WaPo has a paywall, but I’ve found it worthwhile for access to the live chats, my faves being the food/cooking chats where I’ve learned so much about cooking in general and so many great restaurant options in the greater DC metro area (the comments from other posters are often great for the suburbs), and Jura Koncius hosting various home interior and exterior designers. Michelle Singletary still has occasional chats about money and personal finance topics, and I always look forward to those.
Cb
Oof, my husband is working on something tricky and I met with the therapist today to work on how I can support him, and it feels very hopefully, but also I’m emotionally drained. Have some student meetings and then I need a walk and a slice of cake.
Curious
Cake is good for many things. Or scones and clotted cream. Or donuts.
Cb
It was too cold! I went out and it just felt too miserable, and I decided not to torture myself. But I’m going to make pancakes for dinner (we’re also out of groceries).
Curious
That is a very good fallback. I approve.
Anonymous
Do any of you all have family members with addiction issues? I recently visited home and although most of my family has managed to get clean and sober up there are a few I’m expecting to die in the next year based on how frail they were. I’m trying to sort out my emotions I guess, or lack thereof? Deaths have always crushed me emotionally but with these family members it just seems….like the inevitable conclusion?
Monday
I have a lot of work experience related to addiction, including deaths from addiction.
Lack of emotion in this situation is normal. You can think of it as a phased grieving process, because death is indeed “inevitable” in an uncontrolled addiction, and family/friends realize this (to varying extents) over time. By the end, it’s “shocking but not surprising,” and a lot of the grief has already happened.
I’m so sorry this is happening. Family peer support groups such as Al-Anon can be helpful in not feeling alone.
BeenThatGuy
I have a few addicts in my family. Some are in recovery for many years and doing amazing. Others are active in their addiction. One is close to death after a very serious accident that happened at home. For a normal healthy person, the accident that occurred wouldn’t have been critical. But 20 years of his addiction has destroyed his body and it now cannot heal. I normally hate the phrase “it is what it is” but it’s completely out of my control and I’ve chosen to make peace with it. It’s not easy though.
anon
There have been addiction issues in my family. What you’re feeling is 100% normal for the situation, I think. Grief can begin long before the person is physically gone. Grief doesn’t always look like big, sweeping emotions, the way we usually think of it. Sometimes, it’s quiet, gradual acceptance of the situation. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Anon
Yes. In each case, I went through a process of trying to help, failing, becoming angry, feeling helpless, and now – just waiting for the inevitable. Mourning the loss of someone while they are still alive but actively working towards a faster death is exhausting. Becoming numb is my survival mechanism; I’m otherwise not available to my kids, my job, and my own mental health. You just have to let them go. Sometimes, they manage to turn it around and surprise you, but realistically, you can’t hold out hope for that. Tell them you love them, don’t give them any money, and try to find your own peace. It’s the best we can do.
Anon
My sibling is an addict and I have not had contact with them for years. I don’t even think about them, tbh, because they have destroyed my parents and have no remorse or willingness to change. When they die I will only feel sad for my parents.
Anon
I’ve been a litigator for over a decade. There were times early in my career when I was enthusiastic about the work and exhilarated by the advocacy and competition. But now, I’m jaded and everything feels like a grind, and I want out. Do you think a role purely managing litigation as in house counsel (I would absolutely avoid jobs that would require direct case handling) would be a good next step for me? Or would my dislike if litigating carry over to the role?
Anon
I personally think you would like it. The stressors are not the same. I litigated for 8 years and left for a role (not exactly in house, but similar) where I do factual investigations of a specific type of claims, I try to resolve them if I can and then if defense counsel is needed, I retain and oversee the defense counsel. Very different getting reports from the defense counsel who are in the trenches, so to speak, and being in the trenches yourself.
Anon
It’s a great job, but you’ll have tons of competition for it. There’s not much of an off ramp for litigators. Start networking now.
Katrinka
I don’t think you’re limited to litigation roles in-house. Many in-house roles require risk assessment, judgment, good product management, good written and oral communication skills. I’d expand your search and look at large companies that are hiring and seek out roles where you can make your case for why you’d be a good fit, even if you don’t have specific experience in that type of role. Larger companies will have more resources and be more willing to train an otherwise-talented lawyer in the role.
No Face
Agreed. I have many litigation colleagues who moved in-house, and only one is in a litigation management role.
But to answer OP’s question, in house litigation management could be a great fit for a knowledgeable litigator who is sick of being in the trenches.
Anon
Yes, absolutely.
Anon
I’m in house and have a hybrid management/direct case handling role.
The answer to this question completely depends on why you don’t like litigation. There are aspects of being in house that are also unpleasant or a grind (they are certainly different). You will still have to deal with unreasonable opposing counsel, oppressive discovery, and unpredictable judges if that’s what you hate. Then part of your role is to try to get people in your company who are not lawyers to understand some of these risks and potential downsides. But if you don’t like the actual drafting process or speaking to opposing counsel, maybe managing litigation would be a fit for you.
I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about what exactly you don’t like about what you’re doing now and learn about various in house roles to see what could be a good fit. Also, yes to networking now (which can help you learn more about the different types of roles) because it can be very difficult for a litigator to find a litigation management position in house. In my experience, those roles tend to be in larger companies and each job listing is incredibly competitive. Also, the people on the interview panels tend to dislike any implication that the applicant is just looking to escape firm life and come to a cushy in house life. I’m not saying that’s what’s making you think about the transition, but just be aware and be sure that you’ve thought about what specifically you think you’d like about the in-house role.
I went in house at a much smaller company first, where my role was partially managing litigation and partially doing other corporate counsel stuff (I was one step below the GC in that role). Then I transitioned to a much much larger company for my current job. What I’m saying is that you should learn about and be open to lots of different avenues if you think you might want to go in house because the path is often not linear since the jobs tend to be so competitive.
Anon
I was a litigator for almost a decade before taking an in-house litigation management role about a year ago. Most days I love it, though admittedly, I do miss the advocacy and competition piece sometimes. (Objectively the wins mean more now because a win means my company wins, but it’s not as satisfying (to me) when I didn’t draft the MSJ, argue the motion, etc.) But I don’t think your dislike of litigation would carry over because you’re only hearing about the grind at a high level. That said, I don’t know that you can avoid direct case handling entirely, because all in-house litigation counsel I know handle some cases directly to varying degrees, e.g. pre-suit demand letters/negotiations, small claims cases, administrative charges, etc., but it’s a small percentage of the job and likely not what you’re concerned about. And while I still work a lot, stepping out of the client services industry has improved my mental and physical health and overall quality of life drastically.
Anonny
Question for the big law ladies: I’ve recently started dating a man who’s a mid-level in big law. I’ve been following along here long enough to know his work life balance is very different from my non-law, mostly 9-5 one. Managing our schedules is definitely a concern for me, but so far he has been pretty intentional about making time to see me. I’m just curious about what you all think I should keep an eye out for and also any suggestions on how to be supportive (obviously I’ll ask him this as well). Thanks!
anon
Don’t borrow trouble? If he’s making an effort, that’s a good sign.
anon
+100000
Anonymous
My suggestion is do not do this work. Sounds like there is no actual problem. He does not need any special level of support beyond what you’d provide any other partner. It’s just a job.
Anonymous Canadian
I agree with this! You just started dating!
Cat
Oh, this is tough. It’s not so much the long hours per se, it’s that they can be unpredictable. like you think you’re having a quiet Friday and then a bomb drops at 4. Depending on his practice group patterns, things that may help-
-having breakfast dates. Some groups tend to ‘run late’ like people roll in at 9:45 and stay until 7:30-8. This makes it harder to meet for dinner but easier to have morning time together.
-figuring out when weekends tend to be quietest (like, Saturday mornings and evenings are often good, Sunday nights not necessarily, etc).
-if going out of town for the weekend, safest travel plan is to leave Saturday morning, not Friday night. (If working remotely of course this doesn’t necessarily matter quite so much!)
-understanding when he needs to keep tabs on email during the evening even if you are on a date
-having lower-key dates that allow life maintenance to go on in parallel (like he cooks brunch for you at home and therefore can get his laundry done or groceries delivered at the same time)
Does all this seem kind of ridiculous? Yes? This is why people leave BigLaw after gathering the experience and war chest :)
Emma
Haha my group (former biglaw) was very much “roll in at 10am, leave at 10pm”. The unpredictability was the hardest- sometimes you plan a nice romantic weekend or dinner date and something major drops and ruins it all. It’s hard while dating.
Quail
I would not worry about being supportive beyond the usual. I would 100% worry about your career coming second in the long term (obviously you are just starting to date so this is just something to keep any eye on). Do not start taking on extra tasks or whatever because he’s busy or you will end up continuing to do it because his work will always be busy (ie this is not like you doing something as a favor because it’s tax time for an accountant or whatever.) This includes coordinating outside help for him.
If you get more serious, ask him if he plans to make partner or shift careers. Most male partners at my firm have stay at home wives or wives who work part time. It’s not required but it also isn’t a coincidence. I think it’s important for spouses/sos of Biglaw lawyers to have these conversations up front before falling into patterns. Especially if you plan to have kids.
Anon
100%!! I dated a consultant who traveled Monday to Thursday so there was very little free time to hang out and he didn’t prioritize us enough on weekends. Part of the reason we broke up is because I didn’t want to essentially be a single mom.
Anon
It’s not a question of support, it’s a price of admission issue. Do you want to deal with coming second? Do you want to deal with cancelled vacations? Do you want to deal with not having a partner around and picking up the slack? Because that’s what you’re signing up for. I’m a lawyer married to a lawyer and we’ve both had big law, in house and small law jobs. It’s a demanding profession and it doesn’t work the same way regular jobs do. The question is whether that’s okay with you or not.
Anonymous
I am a Big Law partner, and I rarely cancel plans. The more common issue is to not be able to leave the office exactly when I would like to do so. I will say that I am in a niche area that tends to have lower hours. The more taxing part of Big Law is the dog-eat-dog politics. Grittiness is needed.
Anonymous
Don’t buy trouble. Most Big Law mid-levels don’t make partner, so you are likely not signing up for a Big Law gig long term. If he does make partner, the rhythm of his practice is going to be very different depending on his practice area and how much travel it requires. You will learn this rhythm along the way. And don’t assume you can’t be a double income couple, there is lots of paid help available to keep your household going.
Katrinka
Just be flexible about plans being changed or cancelled, and don’t take it personally, which it sounds like you already understand. Also, start as you mean to go on: that is, if you’re making special efforts like making him dinner or bringing him treats at the office or staying up til 11 pm so you all can talk on the phone, that’s all fine for the first few months of dating when you’re really going the extra mile, but consider if you want things like that to become the expectation.
Anon
I don’t think you need to do anything particularly to be supportive and definitely don’t start a pattern that you don’t want to continue (like always making dinner and never expecting him to). I’d say you need to be someone who is comfortable with last minute changes of plans, cancellations, and vacations getting ruined – if you are someone who relies on their partner as sole or primary social outlet, that’s probably not an ideal for but if you have other community and are happy to see them without your partner, great. I’ll also add that as someone who has these hours, what makes my relationship work well is that I’m very, very present at the time I am around my family. As a result, I do a lot of work late at night to the detriment of my own ability to rest and have hobbies, but that’s a trade off that I’m okay with.
Anonymous
It’s tricky to walk the line between vetting and being understanding of his legitimate commitments. Yes he has greater work requirements than most people. He can’t commit to happy hour at 4, or even trivia night at 7, every single Thursday. If you enjoy stuff like that, plan trivia night with your friends and if he can come he comes, if not that’s ok too. And don’t hold it against him.
But that doesn’t mean you should stay with someone who doesn’t make you a priority. It sounds like he’s doing great so far, but vet vet vet. Do not buy into the rhetoric that you will always be #2. There’s a difference between being the #1 priority overall vs in a specific instance. Sometimes plans will get canceled because a client emergency is more important than dinner or on rare occasions a vacation. But does he show up when he needs to? Does he prioritize you over random business development stuff? Does he put in the hours during the week so his weekends are as clear as possible?
Anonny
Thank you all! I appreciate the comments about not borrowing trouble. Your comments on the particular challenges of big law are helpful as I explore whether this is something I’d want long term. I definitely don’t plan on picking up any slack in his life, but was more concerned about just trying to be understanding and setting my own expectations. This is all super helpful. Also, just want to brag that he has cooked for me multiple times already :)
Paris
Thank you all! I appreciate the comments about not borrowing trouble. Your comments on the particular challenges of big law are helpful as I explore whether this is something I’d want long term. I definitely don’t plan on picking up any slack in his life, but was more concerned about just trying to be understanding and setting my own expectations. This is all super helpful. Also, just want to brag that he has cooked for me multiple times already :)
Cat
L‘Hotel? (Known for Oscar Wilde)
Anon
This place is amazing – +1
Cb
Ooh lovely! I went to Paris for my 30th, and I’ve been quite often, but love it everytime. I like to stay on the Left Bank, I think it’s more fun. I haven’t stayed there but Hotel de l’Abbaye looks delightful.
Ellen
I was almost as cute as Emily in Paris is — when I was just out of college and before law school with my family and we stayed at the Hilton near the Eifell Tower. Back then, I was very young and cute, and Rosa and I were literally beseeged by young men in the hotel and out at the Louvere, since we had matching outfits back then. Dad was torn between admiring the attention and being watchful that we did not do anything we would later regret with these men — but we couldn’t because Dad was watching us like a mother Robin, and he wanted to make sure that he was the only one permitted to provide the nourishing worms he brought back from the restarunts. So you can stay on either the left or right banks of the river — I think I was on the right bank, which is more cosmopolitan. The left bank had more students, but by age 30, you don’t want some college guys nuzzleling around. Where ever you go, you should have fun!
Anon
I took a solo trip in the fall last year, and stayed in the 5th at the Hotel Le Senat near the Luxembourg gardens. It was small, reasonably priced, and quite nice. The location was very convenient, and the neighborhood was great. The pharmacy across the street was extra helpful for the covid test required for the return.
Anonymous
relais christine was both beautiful, central, and in your budget. Stayed there right before the pandemic.
anon
Hôtel d’Aubusson in the 6th district if you want spa and pool. Otherwise the l’Abbaye above is a solid (and less expensive) recommendation.
Ribena
I really want to stay at the Hotel Molitor. It’s part of Accor’s mGallery brand of slightly boutique-y hotels in interesting buildings, and I really enjoyed my stay in the Bath hotel in that brand. The piéce-de-resistance: there’s a 46-metre outdoor swimming pool.
Emma
Molitor is lovely but not very central. For a first trip I would stay anywhere in the 4th, 5th or 6th.
Is it Friday yet?
I stayed at Hotel Monge last summer and it was lovely. Definitely within your budget, and personally I’d spend less on the hotel so I could spend more on food and shopping. ;)
Lobby-est
Same! Hotel Monde was lovely with wonderful staff. Close to Notre Dame, Sorbonne and Hemingway’s apartment. We stayed there thx to a kind ‘rette
who loved it – happy to pay it forward.
ANON
Nothing specific but I’d stay in/near the Marais. Latin Quarters is too touristy and young (college students). Marais is still geared toward younger people but more hip and better shopping and it’s pretty easy to get around from.
Senior Attorney
We loved the Hotel Regina, pretty much right across the street from the Louvre.
Anonymous
renaissance république -that area has so much great food and bakeries, and is less tourist-y but still very close and accessible to touristy stuff
Anon
I’ve only stayed in two hotels in Paris and both were chains because I was using points, but both were very nice.
Park Hyatt Vendome is gorgeous. Marriott Renaissance Vendome is one step less fancy than the Park Hyatt but is still a luxury hotel and was very clean. The Vendome area in the 1er arrondissement is very convenient for walking everywhere.
If you decide to stay at a chain hotel like this, you might consider getting the brand’s credit card to get a little status and some points.
A
Hotel Kepler. It’s unbelievably fab.
anon
I just placed a huge order of spring clothing for work and crossing my fingers that something, anything, works out. I genuinely wish I could figure out how not to buy new pants every year. I carry all my weight in my lower half, and it’s amazing how weight fluctuations, or even different workouts, render things unwearable from year to year. Add in all this high-rise nonsense, and … ugh. In theory, high-rises should work for me because I’m 5’9″ and have room to work with, but they really don’t work with my shape. And with endometriosis, the cycle-driven bloating I get is no joke.
I wish I could force myself to like dresses more because it would solve so many fit issues and help me save money. I love dresses in hot weather, but I really feel more comfortable in separates. Thanks for listening to my TED talk and cross your fingers that the pants gods are feeling generous this week.
PolyD
Do elastic waists help? There are a lot of elastic waist pants out there that don’t look like they have elastic waists.
anon
Somewhat? My hips are the most difficult-to-fit point.
Ellen
I also got permission for a substantial replenishement of my work wardrobe. I am much shorter then you are but also have difficulty b/c of my tuchus being overly prominent. If I were 5’9″ I would be in hog heaven, and my legs could be the focus area for people to stare at, and perhaps my tuchus would not be so noticeable, though if I had a long body mabye it would be worse with short legs. But we each have unique body attributes, and my best is my face and boobies, so I want people to look me in the eye, and not drift down below where I am not as polished.
Also the high-rise pants which are in fashion don’t work for me either, again b/c of the focus on the tuchus, so perhaps scrap the pants entirely for A-line dresses which masque any imperfections. Kelly Clarkson is the best role model here to emulate. She manages to look cute no matter what she wears, and everyone is focused on her cute face and boobies, and that’s it. That is the way you and I should be, and good luck with your quest for the best clotheing this season! YAY!!!
Anon
Weight loss question below:
I just weighed myself and I”m at my heaviest ever weight: up a full 25 lbs from my pre-COVID weight. I’d been noticing the slow uptick and that clothes weren’t fitting, but I don’t think I realized it got this bad. I don’t even know how it got this bad…
Admittedly, my lifestyle during the first 18 months of the pandemic was pretty terrible: working 90 hour weeks, subsiding on office pizza, not sleeping, drinking too much but I’ve since changed jobs and have what I think is a pretty good life style now: I go into the office 2-3 days a week and have a 30 min one-way walking commute, I stopped drinking at home – only when out with friends, I eat decently but not great (lots of veggies, salads, etc but also ice cream and pastries), I drink a lot of water, I’m sleeping more/better, and I could improve my workout consistency (I seem to workout 6x a week or not at all…).
I need serious help. I’m in my late 20s so I want to set up good habits for life and I definitely want to get back to my pre-COVID weight (which honestly, was about 10 lbs more than I wanted to be… it’s not like I’m trying to maintain a size 0). I used to be a size 4 athletic/active pear and now I’m a size 8 and not in good enough shape to do the fun, active things I used to do. I’m in my 20s, live in the city and am pretty social so I also need to find a way to get fit and lose weight while maintaining a lifestyle where I can meet friends for drinks or dinner. I had blood work done about a month ago and there was nothing off with my results, so I don’t think its a medical thing just a laziness/pandemic thing.
Would love to hear how those of you who have successfully lost 20-30lbs have done it and any tips for staying motivated through the process.
Cat
25 pounds over 2 years is a pound a month. That’s like, 100 calories a day extra. If you figure out how to cut 200 calories from your current intake, you’ll lose it in a year. No second chocolate after lunch? One less scoop of ice cream? Coffee creamer – skim milk instead? One less swoosh of dressing on the salad? Drink a low-cal alcoholic option when imbibing (like vodka soda rather than beer or wine or tonic water)?
Anon
I’ve gained and lost weight before, and also recently realized I’ve put on 40 (!) lbs since the beginning of the pandemic. I’m starting to lose it slowly, and it really is these small tweaks that make the difference and drive sustainable weight loss in the long term. Just be patient. Meeting a friend for a walk rather than sitting down, is one more thing I’m changing now. Down Dog yoga app has been great for keeping myself accountable for working out.
anon
Right there with you with the COVID weight gain and general unhealthy lifestyle during that time. Weight loss isn’t easy, but you have age on your side. I would honestly focus on exercise first. Not because it’ll help you drop pounds (it probably won’t) but because you specifically mentioned that you’re not in good enough shape to do fun things. So start there. Commit to a daily routine, even if it’s just walking. Mix in higher intensity activities 2-3 days a week so you don’t burn out from the start. You will start to look and feel better even if your weight doesn’t change much. Good habits lead to other good habits, and all of that.
For awhile, you may have to track calories to get an idea of where you can either cut back or make better choices. I’m using MyFitnessPal. I can’t say this has been easy (it’s glacially slow), but that brutal honesty did help me see where I was, um, deluding myself a bit.
OP
I fully admit that my idea of not good enough shape to do fun things is a high bar; I still run 5ks and 10ks (did a 10k race last weekend) I’d just like to be able to train for half marathons and triathlons.
anon
OK, then I will amend my advice. That’s a pretty high bar. Your weight is not holding you back from training for a half-marathon or triathlon. You’re a size 8, that’s still small in the grand scheme of things. I have never, ever been a size 8 (well, not since I was a 16-year-old) and have done both of those things. And trust me, I’m not some superstar athlete. What you can’t do is just show up and do things that are physically strenuous without putting in the work (but I’d argue MOST people can’t).
Anon
Eh – you height is a variable here. A size 8 for me is pretty slim (5’10” here), but definitely isn’t for my 5’1″ friend. Size means a lot to the individual, but without height, couldn’t tell you anything!
Anonymous
Wait . . . you’re running 10k’s? Your situation as it is, and as you describe it, seems really different.
So, first, make sure you don’t have unrealistic views about your body. Second, go ahead and start training for the half-marathon that sounds like a “fun thing” to you. There’s no reason why you can’t train for it, even at a size 8. Third, keep doing the smaller, healthy long-term stuff you’re doing (walking an hour a day, eating less junk and more vegetables, not drinking during the week, etc.). You’ll see changes over the long-term, and they’ll be sustainable.
Anon
Agree about the unrealistic expectations. It’s not likely you will maintain your high school weight throughout your 20s and beyond, and you are healthy and a normal size. If you were size 4 before and still felt you were 10 pounds too high, that’s already a flag that you might have some body dysmorphia.
Anonymous
Yeah I’m 250 and I run marathons.
OP
I know BMI is a bad indicator but I don’t have much muscle mass to skew that and my BMI has me as overweight. I’m 5’4 and close to 160lbs so would feel much more comfortable being closer to 135 (caveat that I’d love to put on more muscle so if I’m fit/strong, I don’t care about the number on the scale).
I could train for the half as I am, but running with an extra 25/30 lbs on my frame is a lot less fun so I’d like to simultaneously lose the weight and start training.
I’m not at all expecting to maintain my high school/college size (120 lbs, size 0/2) but would like to get back to a size 4.
Anon
I have never run a marathon or even a 5k (running doesn’t work for me), but shouldn’t the training for a half marathon be enough exercise, along with your walking commute? It’s the extra calories from social eating and drinking that is holding you back. How many nights a week do you eat restaurant meals and get drinks? Cut back those by 50% if it’s more than once a week. Restaurant food is a killer, diet wise.
anon
I’m doing the Fit Feels Good 28 Day Transformation right now and am liking it so far (have lost weight and am consistently working out – also eating a ton more veggies and having success not snacking mindlessly). I am your height, and was also a size 4 pre-kids, now a size 8/10, and just want to recognize my body again, while acknowledging it won’t look the same as it did pre-kids. Good luck!
OP
Sorry if this caused confusion! I included my current fitness level to prevent suggestions like “take a walk around the block at lunch”. Obviously, people of any size can be fit and run races of varying distances. I don’t need to lose the weight to train, but I”d rather train with less extra weight on my frame. However, for me the fitness level and weight dont really go hand in hand: I’m 25lbs heavier than my usual adult (not high school/college) weight. While I can still run races, I’m still not at the fitness level I’m used to/prefer to be at. Being able to run a 5/10k at an 11 min pace (what I’m doing right now) is not the fitness level I am used to being at, and not where I’d like to stay.
Also, while a size 8 is not big, it’s big for my frame and I”m currently overweight and would like to get back to my size 4. At a size 4 I don’t look skinny, I look average (which is fine!) but at a size 8 I look overweight (because I am)
Anon
You should do weight training. You will not bulk up. It helps your bones and it helps your metabolism. It’s hard to do with home equipment but it can be done. Are you comfortable going to a gym? (No shade, I’m not)
OP
I would love to start lifting and gain muscle, I just don’t know where to start! I have no qualms about going to a gym, I just don’t know what to do lifting wise!
I occasionally (when I”m working out) do the Tunde arm challenge but that’s the limit of my knowledge; I have a few pairs of light dumbbells at home, and I do go to the gym at work. I’m considering joining a gym near my apartment.
Anon
Op, if you join a gym as a new member ask about an orientation on the weight machines. Most gyms offer this because they don’t want you to get hurt. They may suggest a workout routine to you but what I liked to do was a 10 minute warmup on a treadmill, then a cycle of machines in the order they showed me. My favorite is the leg press because the butt and thigh muscles are big and you get a lot of bang for your buck, but I also did the others (just an extra set on the leg press.) it’s really easy to get started with the machines.
Then if you want to work up to free weights you can schedule another appointment – it may be free, it might cost but not much – to get oriented on those.
But spend a good few months on the machines. They’re ergonomic and designed to work out evenly so you will develop a good muscular (but not muscle-y) base.
Anonymous
OP, I’m a marathoner and have been a runner at a range of sizes AND a range of paces – I have found that training for a goal race is what keeps me happiest and most motivated, honestly.
Even though starting a training program with 25 more pounds than you’re used to is not fun, it gets to be more fun as you get stronger and work your way to better cardiovascular shape. I try to chase race goals (such as ‘I want to execute this half marathon feeling strong and without cramping’), but sometimes weight loss is a side effect of the things I do to chase down those goals, and sometimes I get faster without losing a single pound.
Anonymous
I’m a size 18 and do 5Ks and 10Ks.
Anon
Same, also do quarter-century and half-century bike rides (working up to full century this spring).
OP
yes, I’m only 5’4 and have practically no muscle mass so the extra 25 lbs + being a size 8 means I”m overweight . Of course, there are plenty of people who are my height and are size 8s and happy with it which is great for them, but I am not happy with it and would like to get back to my size 4 self (which still left me with a nice layer of “padding” – it’s not like I was skinny at that size!).
I’m tired of being the only overweight and out of shape person in my circles! I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see! I’m tired of wanting to hide behind someone in photos! If someone who is my shape/size is happy with how they look and what they can do, that’s great but I am NOT.
I’m also tired of turning down invites because I know I can’t keep up with my friends on bike rides/hikes/runs. I feel like I’m a fit person trapped in an overweight persons body.
Anon
A size 8 at 5’4 is not overweight or fat. Stop.
anon in brooklyn
Look up Swole Woman on Instagram. She has an intro to weightlifting program and a lot of discussion about building muscle mass.
synchronia
For getting started with lifting I’ve really liked Casey Johnston’s “LIFTOFF: Couch to Barbell.” Her newsletter is also amazing (smart, body-positive, etc.)
Anon
I am 5’4″ and when I was a size 8 I was overweight. Overweight per BMI, my MD, BP, and ortho issues. My normal, healthy size is a 2-4. I can run at both weights, but when I have a size 8 I have knee and hip issues. What is normal and healthy varies by person.
Anon
Yeah, at 5’4″, a size 8 is likely to be overweight….
At 5’8″ or whatever, likely not. People seem to really forget the role height plays in all of this.
Anon Weight Loss
I was in a similar boat; I am shorter & gained a significant amount of weight due to bad work environment which ratcheted up my anxiety and depression about 5 years ago. I am finally shedding the weight this year (truly, since Jan. this year). What has helped me with regard to getting back in shape to keep up (love hiking and backpacking):
– weightlifting: look at Beginner Weightlifting Program 4 weeks on PopSugar. Sounds ridiculous but I found it very helpful in easing back into weightlifting (I stopped after college because of no access to a gym); I also look for free “yoga sculpt” style classes online that focus on body weight resistance style moves (CPY has a one called “YSB Core Stability with Claire E” that I love; its 20 minutes and I definitely feel it);
– spin classes: Hiking & backpacking was significantly more enjoyable if I prepared for them by doing heavy resistance spin classes in the months leading up. I would do one or two classes a week before COVID that were geared towards heavy resistance and endurance with heavy resistance and it really helped me focus on the leg muscles that I use while hiking up mountains. I recommend it to anyone who is going on backpacking trips in the future;
– walking: I know you said you don’t want advice like “take a walk around the block” but it did help me significantly to increase my steps daily; I’m nowhere near 10,000 a day still but on a good day (like a Saturday where I do grocery shopping and meal prepping in addition to morning and evening walks with my dog) I will reach around 7,000. On a regular day (working from home, lawyer, sitting in a chair, morning and evening walks with the dog), I still try to get above 4,500. Whether it is directly helping or not, I don’t have supporting evidence; but since doing that, I have lost weight consistently (small increments but consistent increments). I am down 10 pounds and holding at the lower weight range since I started in January and that includes being wayyyy off my “clean eating” plans for the past 2-3 weeks due to alot of out of town visitors. Good luck!
Anon
If you’re walking an hour a day when going into the office, you’re getting enough exercise there. Caveat: calorie burn while walking depends on speed, so walk faster to get more benefits.
For your days at home, do a 15-30 minute kettlebell or HIIT workout before work.
Anon
In your case (where you are still running 10k races), you need to cut back on your social eating, ice cream & pastries. Can you meet friends for activities that don’t involve restaurant meals and alcohol?
OP
yes, this is what I need to do! I was looking for tips about how to have the discipline/consistency to cut back on these habits. I think the thread got a little side tracked by my fitness level and non-existent body dysmorphia…
My dietician says I have a really good knowledge of nutrition, my issue is that even though I know what I should be doing, I don’t do it often/consistently enough.
If anyone has any tips on this, I am all ears :)
anonymous
Don’t keep ice cream pastries around the house. If you are meeting friends out for food, eat something beforehand. Drink lots of water to help you feel full. I am not able to completely cut out certain food groups so is it possible to split a dessert with a friend? Or get a smaller portion?
Anon
Change up the drinks you order. Cut out colas and tonics; keep seltzer. Cut out sour mix from the bottle; continue to have drinks eith lemon juice or lime juice. My rule of thumb is that if it comes in a big glass, it’s watered down and has an enormous number of calories, so don’t drink it. The alcohol content is going to be about the same no matter if it’s a bourbon on the rocks or a big margarita.
Anon
One of my work friends only drinks scotch near for this reason. I prefer a martini, but that is also relatively low cal/high bang for your buck. Drink lots of plain water in between.
Another anon
Something that has made a big difference for me is belonging to a CSA. I get a big box of produce every week and in order to use it up I have to be consistent and committed to cooking plant-based meals and packing lunches. Works better for me than meal planning and shopping in advance.
Anon
i’m happy to be an accountability buddy bc i am struggling as well. my mom passed away shortly before covid started and then with covid…let’s just say i have some work to do since i am a stress eater. one other time in my life i lost a lot of weight and i did it by tracking calories on my fitness pal. if i exercised, i would add that in to the app so i could eat more that day. i will say that now in my late 30s i’m doing the same thing and not getting anywhere, so if anyone has any advice for doing so in my late 30s please let me know. i find tracking and planning in advance what i’m going to eat helps. you can still go out with friends, just look at menus ahead of time. order a class of wine or a vodka soda instead of a frozen margarita. i find it hard to focus on food and exercise at the same time. like it is too many changes at once. so i’d say focus on the food and exercise when you feel like it, and then when you have the mental bandwidth, add in the exercise.
anon.
You sound like me. I know people on here don’t like it, but Noom worked wonders for me. I am now for the first time in over 5 years at the weight I was before 3 pregnancies and Covid. It wasn’t hard – I know a lot about food and eating – but it was instructive to track my habits. I recommend it.
Anon
How long have you maintained the weight loss? Not a question about Noom compared to anything else. Every time I have lost the weight, I have eventually regained it. I want to see success stories about maintaining weight loss for 5-10 years, and I just don’t see that, no matter what method.
Anonymous
The way I see it is if in 5 years I’m back up to wear I started, thats 5 years where I was at a lower weight and more active. So I’m not going to try to lose fast now, because ricocheting weight up and down is worse, but I’m also still going to work on being more active, eating a little bit less, and making sure what I do eat is more nutritious. I have the mental energy now to pay attention to my diet, so I can earn my self a few years of slightly less concern about my weight and health.
OP
I’m intrigued, but my friends who have done Noom were not impressed. Could you explain a little more what you liked about it?
Anon
So I’ll tell you what worked for me to lose about 40lbs – I’m a lot taller than you though, so that for me was about the same number of sizes for me.
I realized that for me, looking at weekly calorie goals versus daily was important. I averaged 1,600 calories a day, but if I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t eat – sometimes that meant I’d eat 900 calories in one day and 1,800 the next. I know it goes against a lot of the advice, but I realized I was much hungrier on workout days or the like. It also gave me wiggle room to go out with friends, eat what I wanted (within reason) and drink, but then eat super SUPER healthily at home. That’s the only way I managed to lose that weight while still seeing friends 2-3x/week for dinner or drinks.
OP
Oh that’s a really good idea, thank you! I think if I can get my butt in gear to eat very healthily when I’m not socializing then I should be good to loosen the reins a big when I”m socializing.
anon
Yeah – I had to be *aggressive* about eating healthily when home alone. Veggies, lean protein, small portions, green smoothies and the like. I also weighed EVERYTHING when I was home. It sounds super restrictive, but I preferred that model of very restrictive at home and not really restrictive (within reason – I’d try to opt for the fish over the pasta when out if I could) when socializing versus balance always. I like to say this averaged out to balance.
Also – I started keeping semi-healthy drunk food in the house. For me, I could be relatively healthy during the day, drink a moderate amount out (I tended to forget that my tolerance kept going down from losing weight and drinking less) and then destroy the progress I’d made because I was drunk and hungry and decided to eat a pile of McDonalds. So I started keeping not-super-unhealthy frozen breakfast sandwiches in my freezer and will instead eat one (or two…) of those if I want “drunk food”.
Anon
In this same vein, I’m slightly older than you but not much, and I have friends who have had a lot of success with weight watchers. My understanding is that it gives you wiggle room while also forcing you to be mindful/accountable with what you eat.
Anon
I’m the poster above – the only issue I had with weight watchers was that it way overweights alcohol calories. So a 100 calorie drink becomes a ton of points, which, if you’re in your 20s in a city and going out, is a huge part of what I’m budgeting for. I liked straight calorie tracking (and also setting a protein goal) as a result.
Anon
Late to this conversation, but since you mentioned it up thread, Couch To Barbell is an amazing program for getting started with weightlifting. The author also has lots of writing available for free – look up “Ask a Swole Woman.” Building muscle has been great for me in so many ways, and especially because it helps me feel in shape without trying to eat the smallest number of calories possible at all times.
KS IT Chick
My aunt’s memorial service is Saturday. I’m planning on wearing an NYC Company navy rayon dress I bought this spring. Where I am stuck is which shoes to wear. I have black wedges that are insanely comfortable, and red suede wedges that are less comfortable but are still very wearable and look really good.
anon
I personally love red and navy together, but for a funeral, I would probably go with the neutral option.
anon
Whichever shoes you like least. Might just be me, but I tend to find what I wear to a funeral has bad juju afterwards and I don’t like wearing. Hence, why we all have funeral dresses.
Anne-on
This. I had to donate the dress I wore to my grandmother’s funeral, I just couldn’t look at it in my closet anymore. I keep a simple black dress with long sleeves/conservative cut just for funerals as everything else that I’ve worn for other reasons goes out of my regular rotation once I wear it to a funeral.
Anon
Same. One of my most flattering, practical black dresses went to goodwill after I wore it to my mom’s funeral because I could not imagine wearing it ever again. I didn’t even want to see it in my closet.
Anon
Yes. Wore an emerald green long sleeve, midi dress to my mom’s service. Haven’t worn it since even though it was in the work rotation prior to that. It wasn’t a conscious choice, just have been avoiding it but I’m sure that’s why.
Cat
I love black and navy together. Unless the dress code is “be lively! Celebrate” etc, red suede seems like kind of a lot of look for this season of the year (it seems more mid-summer to me) and for a funeral, plus grass (assuming attending a burial?) + suede is never a great idea.
Anon
What was your aunt like? I’m a very distinct dresser and would love my nieces to glam it up at my funeral. I’d let her be your guide. And I’m sorry for your loss.
Anon
+1
If your aunt had a vibrant personality or a distinct style, I think red as tribute would be really sweet. However, I always choose comfort at a wedding so if black are comfier, I’d do that
Cornellian
100% My aunt showed up in a puffy sparkly purple sweater to my mom’s funeral and I , at least, thought it was perfect.
Anonymous
Obviously black. Red to a memorial is inappropriate
Anonymous
+1
anonshmanon
that’s where I would fall as well. Looking really good is not a priority at a funeral. And the black wedges being more comfortable might be important if there is a lot of standing at the memorial.
Anon
Depends on the person, the culture, and the family. Go for what’s respectful but also sustainable, whatever that may be. In this case, sounds like it’s the wedges.
Anon1
I”d go with the black just because theres a lot of standing going on at funerals and associated activities (wake/viewing, burial, reception).
I’m actually of the perspective that color is more than okay at funerals; my mom wore a pink blazer to her mother’s funeral. I dont usually go that far but I usually wear a muted color (navy, burgundy, hunter green).
Leatty
Vacation recommendations needed – DH and I have two small kids (5 and 1.5), so we want something kid-friendly (ideally a place that has childcare options so we can actually relax). I don’t want a place that is swimming focused because DH won’t be able to swim as he will have an open wound post-surgery. We will be traveling in mid-June, looking to go for around a week, and flying from the SE US. All recommendations appreciated!
NYCer
Maybe too close to home, but Montage Palmetto Bluff in South Carolina is a great resort for families.
Anne-on
Tyler Place Family resort in VT is magical – the kids are in groups for something like ~8hrs day, the adults do their own activities/solo meals and you regroup periodically. It’s not cheap (comparable to Disney) and books out well in advance but they may be able to fit you in if you call ASAP.
Anon
I would look at ski resort towns in Colorado. Lots of fun summer activities.
Anon1
I don’t think the Poconos are generally a travel from a different region to come visit destination, but I really love Skytop in the summer. Would be similar to something like the Greenbriar (and I”m sure each region has their own equivalent). Tons of activities for adults and kids, there’s a swimming lake and a pool but plenty of non-swimming things to do. It’s definitely best suited for an active vacation though, so am not sure what your husband will be able to do post-surgery.
Also caveat, they’ve made a LOT of changes lately, most of which I do not care for (it used to essentially be an all inclusive, and now its not).
Anon
Acadia/Bar Harbor is a wonderful destination for kids that age and although swimming is available, it’s not the focus. But I don’t know any hotels there with kids clubs. I think you’ll need to look at Mexico or the Caribbean if you want to be able to drop your kids off at a kids club and have coverage all day. If you’re just looking for hourly babysitting you pay for, I would imagine most nicer hotels can arrange that.
anon for this
I’ve realized over the past year that I’m carrying a lot of the load for my partner, basically enabling his laziness and not doing myself any favors in the process. I finally worked up the courage to inquire about therapy and none of the five therapists I contacted are taking new clients right now. There are others in my insurance network but not convenient to me. What’s next? Try to ask my insurance company to make an exception for someone out of network? Take 3+ hours of leave each week for travel to/from an appointment? Wait a few months and hope it gets better? Is there a magical other alternative I’m not thinking of?
anon
Use an out of network therapist and submit a claim.
pugsnbourbon
+1. It sucks but it’s sometimes the only way to see someone.
Anon
I know there are a lot of people with a lot of money on here, but this can be an extremely expensive way to go. I had to do this for one of my kids and very, very little of the $175/week ended up getting reimbursed.
OP if you decide to go this route please look carefully at your insurance and what it will and won’t cover.
Betsy
Did any of those therapists have waitlists you could go on? In my area it seems like everyone is waitlist only, but I found a spot opened up within about a month.
test run
+1 And if you’re open to doing appointments during the workday then you can usually get off the waitlist faster. This is how I found my current therapist – I reached out to a practice whose website said “all of our providers are working off of a waitlist,” but because I’m able to do my appointments during the workday (by video instead of in person) I was matched with a provider pretty much immediately.
Anon
Would you be willing to try something like TalkSpace or BetterHelp?
Can you make room in your budget to pay cash for sessions and not use your insurance? We worked with a couples counselor who only took cash and charged $150/session. I know that’s not chump change for many people but we were able to rearrange our household budget to account for it for the months we saw him.
NYNY
See if the therapists taking new patients will do televisits.
Anon
+1
Anon
Therapy is almost never something that insurance covers for someone good. Go out of network, make a claim and see what happens, but think of it as an investment in yourself regardless.
Anonymous
Just stop enabling him. Read drop the ball. You don’t need therapy to just not be his maid.
anonshmanon
This might very likely be one of the things that certain therapists would bring up. Can you envision just doing your own laundry and let him discover that he has no clean underwear? Not remembering his families’ birthdays for him? Do what you need doing and drop those balls that are not yours?
Anon
Not OP, but this advice has never worked for me. I love my husband and he’s great in so many ways, but he would happily live in filth with half the paint peeled off the side of our house. And he does not remember birthdays besides mine (last year he didn’t remember his brothers birthday until 4 days after the fact). It’s like a team project at work: if you just let the project fail, it’s not just your coworker who’s going to look bad. It’s both of you.
anonshmanon
that’s the point. His brother’s birthday will be forgotten. If your BIL is of the persuasion that it’s the woman’s job to remember, then you might look bad in his eyes. Caring about this opinion to the point that you pick up the slack is a choice.
Anon
I kind of disagree – if he doesn’t remember his brother’s birthday, how could anyone blame you for that? If he wears dirty underwear, isn’t that really just his own issue?
anon
Nah. If my husband forgets his family’s birthdays that has nothing to do with me. I am not the keeper of that. I also don’t care if he doesn’t have clean clothes. He can be gross and suffer the consequences. No skin of my back and not a reflection on me. He’s his own person. There will be consequences and that’s on him to figure out how he wants to react to them.
Anon
Okay, that was a bad example. I really didn’t care that he forgot his brothers birthday either (neither of us particularly like him). But my point above is that there are very few tasks in a household that only affect one person. For example, kids birthdays. If husband doesn’t pick up the slack, do the kids just not get gifts? Vet appointments. If husband doesn’t schedule, does the dog just get behind on its vaccine schedule? The lawn is being overrun by weeds. Do I just sat back and not say anything while it gets to the point that we would have to do much more serious interventions (which also cost $$$)? What I’m saying is that that approach seems like a lose lose and is not as effective as more proactive communication around “Hey, I need you own xyz task. Please be in charge of it.” And then if they still dont, its easier to have a conversation about them dropping the ball because there were clear expectations. The “withhold labor until they notice” approach just seems passive aggressive and childish to me. Yeah, I have to do more hand holding up front (as I’ve told my husband several times, there is a reason managers are paid more than individual contributors) but it’s starting to make a difference and the things I want/need to get done are starting to get done without damaging my marriage.
Anonymous
Just posting to say I understand, if I wasn’t responsible the pets would literally die. As much as I don’t want to pick up the slack, some of it is too important not to.
anonshmanon
if the coaching approach works for you, that’s great. I’ve also had productive conversations with DH about things that he was oblivious to (second shift etc) and it has made a difference. And letting balls drop is definitely not solving all the problems, but it’s something to consider.
anon for this
*smacks head* my goodness, now all my problems are solved!
Thanks, Internet stranger!
I’ll also be setting a great example for my child of how to live in filth and wallow in depression and foster resentment in the entire household. Good talk.
Anon
Venting your anger and frustration at some anonymous person on the Internet isn’t going to fix your life.
Anon LA
Maybe not but pushing back on the facile and impractical advise people on this board often like to give (and which is 100% not responsive to the actual question being asked) can be quite satisfying.
anonymous
Does your company have an EAP that could assist with referrals? I’ve seen mentioned here that the Psychology Today website has a therapist finder section. Also, are you open to telemedicine?
anon
Is there a university clinic in your area where you work with a therapist-in-training? The therapist-in-training would be under the guidance of a licensed mentor much like dental or medical students. I don’t believe they take insurance since they aren’t licensed yet, but they have much lower, affordable rates. Pastoral counseling at churches is another option. If you prefer to not go down the faith-based route, you can ask if they offer secular counseling, as many will do this as well.
Anon
The solution you may not be considering is coffee with your tell it like it is friend. Much cheaper than therapy and in many cases just as effective.
Anon
Not the OP but love this.
Bette
Call your insurance company to see if they cover telehealth for therapy visits and if so, what the terms are.
Go to psychology today and pull up the list of providers and sort by your insurance and other attributes you care about.
Craft a short form message asking about accepting new patients and if they do telehealth.
Send that message via the website (you can copy and paste) to every single provider that meets your criteria and is in your geographic insurance coverage area.
Hopefully that helps you find one! I did this and found a great therapist several hours away from me in my state who takes my insurance. We connect weekly during the workday via telehealth.
Virtual therapy!!!!
DO VIRTUAL THERAPY APPOINTMENTS!!! I’ve been doing virtual therapy for the last year, and my therapist is incredible. It’s in-network ($20 a session), she’s maybe 100 miles away, and I never have to leave my bed. Expand your search for therapists to your entire state – there must be someone in your state with availability who’s in-network and decent. I haven’t found a single therapist who isn’t willing to do remote.
Not betterhelp though – lots has been written about what a scam those types of platforms are.
roxie
flagging that regardless of the bigger issues with Betterhelp or similar (selling your data? idk) i had a good individual experience with them. I had a specific situation I was trying to solve and found a good match through BH who helped me over a few months and then I called it a day. So, YMMV.
Anon
It depends on your medical plan but my HR will allow an exception to be paid as in-network if you need to go out-of-network because there are no in-networks docs available. What you describe is exactly the type of thing they would make an exception for. It is worth asking.
Anon
Are LL Bean pima cotton tees the go-to still in this area? I have a couple non-cotton ones that have pilled like crazy and need to replace (they are what I wear under blazers now that blouses seem so extra).
anon.
Universal Standard Tee or Vee Rex are the absolute best.
Anonnymouse
Second the V Rex – it’s the best tee I’ve owned.
Anon
How does the sizing run? I have hips that often make me a M if tees run long (I’m borderline petite-height) but my shoulders / bust are a solid S. I hate the look of tops straining to clear my hips but don’t want them to be too oversized looking to look good under a jacket.
Anonnymouse
They actually have petite versions of the tee if you’d like to try that.
The v-rex has a curve on the hem that helps with “hip strain.” As far as sizing, I would say they run a bit big, but depends on the garment and how you like things to fit. Their size charts for each item are usually very helpful.
pugsnbourbon
Duluth Trading company has great tees. Sizing runs large.
Law Firm Question
Help me understand something about law firm dynamics. What does it mean when a law firm has a fair number of women but they are nearly all in one practice group (and not mine)? I keep coming across firms where it seems like all of the women are concentrated in employment law. Why is this? It is a red flag for entering another practice group at the firm, even if the employment lawyers seem to be doing well? Is there something about employment law that attracts women?
Anon
Trolling.
Anon
What about this says troll? I’m not following that logic at all.
anonshmanon
I assume that people jumped on the ‘does employment law attract women?’ part. Whenever someone says ‘women just don’t seem to WANT this type of job/leadership opportunity’, I do have a hard time not rolling my eyes. Oh yeah? Women just naturally don’t chose this? And men of color too? And LGBTQ folks and disabled people? They ALL happen to not want this thing? What a coincidence…
Anyway, I didn’t actually get the trolling vibe from OP, but I think this might be the red flag.
OP
OP and I see where I worded that really badly! What I meant was – is there some explanation I’m not thinking of for why 90% of the women at these firms are in this one practice area and not others. I’m other words, am I overreacting feeling like this is a red flag.
anonshmanon
I don’t think you are wrong to observe this trend and critically ask what may be behind it.
Anon
Don’t feed this….
Law Firm Question
What does that even mean? I’m not a troll if that’s what you’re suggesting. I don’t have a ton of law firm experience and it’s an honest question.
anonshmanon
could be that the leadership or work culture in the other practice group is pushing out women.
Anon
I don’t think you’re tr0lling, I have seen this dynamic at firms. I think it’s pretty obvious what it means though. I can’t comment on employment law being a good practice area for women, although I do know plenty of women who enjoy it (and men too). But I would assume the fact that women are concentrated there at the firm in question means the leadership of that practice group makes it a good place for women, while the leadership of other practice groups does not.
Law Firm Question
That makes sense, thanks. It isn’t just one firm, pretty much all of the firms in my new city seem to be like this. (There’s no real biglaw here, fwiw.) I came from a firm that was a very difficult place for women and I’m trying to avoid that dynamic again. But maybe it’s not possible.
NYCer
+1. This is obviously a generalization, but I think that the hours tend to be less intense and more predictable in labor and employment as well. The same can be said of T&E, and to a lesser extent, tax.
ANON
I think that the nature of specialist areas is more manageable and you also don’t need a ton of your own clients to be a partner which may make it more friendly to people who don’t want to spend a bunch of extra time doing BD
Anon
I’m not an attorney and not in law, but in corporate finance, for decades the lone woman on the senior management team / c suite has been in charge of Human Resources. This was true at every single company I interviewed with or worked for. So I guess your example kind of follows.
That said, I had to use an employment attorney to review a severance situation for myself, and I was so, so glad she was a woman, because she really got it. (It was one of those situations that wasn’t exactly sexism but it wasn’t not sexism either)
Anonymous
This would be a red flag for me. I have seen firms where women are channeled into employment, bankruptcy or trademarks. Usually there is a lack of buy in at the top to support women’s advancement.
Anonymous
As a more senior level partner/attorney, I will say that there is a fair amount of self-selecting that also goes into these decisions. More women in groups tends to beget more women in the group. And employment is a known on-ramp to in-house positions.
anon
Realizing that I have no idea how to dress for WFH in warm/hot weather. Anyone want to share some tips?
Anon
Knit dresses or knit tops with skirts, assuming you can’t wear shorts for some reason
anonymous
I wear dresses all the time in warm weather. I have a hard time finding tops to wear with shorts. It’s a lot easier to wear one piece of clothing. I have a lot of the Old Navy jersey swing dresses and some of the Land’s End fit and flare dresses. I’m on the hunt for more casual t-shirt dresses this year.
Anon
I just wear shorts and a t-shirt but I have a casual workplace and don’t do that many video calls.
Anon
Same. I’ve worn loose athletic shorts and t-shirt for the past two summers. Don’t care.
Anonnymouse
I like a blousy popover top, preferably with a v neck and in a natural fiber. Paired with straight lightweight pants.
Anon
Warm weather is basically layers I can add or shed.
Actual hot weather is linen. I want it loose and barely touching me. And I want to be covered up so definitely sleeves of some sort but billowy and loose. I like a linen tunic + loose elastic waist pants, or a boxy linen tank with a open linen shirt worn as a sort of jacket. I’m not going to win any figure flattery contests but I’m also very comfortable and as cool as possible, and also presentable enough for zoom or running errands.
Anon
This is basically my look. It’s very Berkeley Mom (and I am a Berkeley mom) but it’s the only kind of thing I can wear on the hottest days of the year. I would wear that tank and I would also wear the “men’s shirt” as a jacket/third piece. It’s presentable enough. My pants are linen joggers from Nordstrom and not white as voluminous as those shown, but not slim either.
https://shopflax.com/
I don’t have A/C so really have to dress for the weather.
Anon
Last year I bought some plain 3/4 sleeve boat-neck and v-neck t-shirts from JC Penney and wore those with shorts all summer. Worked great. Just ordered a couple of new t-shirts to replace the ones that had gotten stained last year and was thrilled to see Penney’s has some nice teal/peacock blue colors added to the lineup this season.
Broken Ankle
My husband has a really badly broken ankle – he just had surgery and is basically on bed rest for the next couple of weeks recovering. It sounds like it will be 4 or 5 months before he can start relearning to walk, assuming all goes well. For anyone who has been through this before, are there things that we should be ordering to help get through this? We just ordered a knee scooter so that we’ll have it once he’s ready. We’ve got great ice packs for now and I’ve ordered an assortment of pillows to try and keep him comfortable. I think I’ve got the obvious basics covered, but is there anything else that will help make this very difficult situation any easier?
Anon
I just went through this to a lesser degree (no surgery so not as up on the gear recs) but it was really mentally hard. I’m a social, go-getter and felt grounded and sluggish and pretty depressed. Eating healthy was key – and helped a lot, so did having people over. I’m sorry for your husband.
Broken Ankle
I hope you are healing well!
Anon
Thank you! Almost there :)
anon
When my best friend broke her ankle and was out of commission, her husband was a giant grumpy PITA about it. So yea, don’t do that! (Not saying you had planned to or would be but sometimes resentment can sneak up on you)
Broken Ankle
You know, I am considering myself very lucky that my default expression of overwhelm comes out as sadness instead of grumpiness right now, because I can understand how that would happen! This is the hardest thing my husband has ever experienced, but it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We have a very equal division of labor in our marriage, so the combination of full time caretaking, trying to hold down my job, and doing his chores on top of my own is…..deeply challenging. I have never been so tired in my life.
Woof
Maybe you can hire help for a while: cooking, cleaning, shopping, dog walking, laundry service. For a period of time it might be just what you need.
Anon 2.0
Second this – if hiring help is in any way feasible, do it. At the very least I’d hire for a cleaning lady. I’d also just do a lot of takeout, meal kits, etc and not feel one ounce of guilt about it. If you have a dog – dog walking service and waste removal service. Outsource the lawncare. I’d try to get as much off your plate as you can.
No Problem
Is there anything you can outsource for a few months? Hire a cleaning service once a month so no one has to clean a toilet, or hire a lawn service to take care of the outdoors? Get groceries delivered every other time so it reduces the number of errands you need to do? See if friends can set up a meal train for a few meals a month. I bet you have friends willing to help out here and there if you just ask. Maybe a neighbor can help drag the trash bins to the curb once a week.
Can he take over some of the sedentary chores, like folding laundry? Once he’s at the point where he is out of bed and can sit at a table, can he help prep food by doing all the chopping and cutting while you cook? Beyond those ideas, what can you just put off entirely for a few months?
Anonymous
Set yourself up for healthy habits that help with healing. Healthy food, restful activities, etc.
anonyme
Request some sessions with a physical therapist so that he can keep the rest of his body strong while he’s recovering. Movement is medicine! And maybe a massage therapist if he likes massage?
meara
Ooh, I sadly have experience with this. I had a trimalleolar fracture that required surgery and a plate and a lot of screws. I wasn’t allowed weight bearing for 12 weeks.
Things that helped: having multiple options of “transport”! May not be your issue but I live in a townhouse with lots of stairs. I got an “atv” type scooter for outdoors (it was my right ankle so couldn’t drive), and highly recommend the device I can’t remember the name of but looks like a pirate peg leg? Not great for any distance but SO much better than crutches for stairs! A wedge pillow was good. Prunes for right after surgery—the opioids were necessary but not good. Easy food—I wasn’t hungry on opioids and ended up drinking some Soylent/ensure stuff to get calories. Sleeping pills from my pcp—I had to sleep leg up with a brace on, and that was hard for me!
Things that did not help: my asshole surgeon. I ended up getting a second opinion nine months in, and though he essentially said the same thing (give it time and then we will see) he was SO much better—and I DID end up getting some of the metal out eventually due to it irritating the bone.
It felt like FOREVER but some of that was living alone and not being able to drive. I wasn’t fully weight bearing for 4-5 months, and even nine months later had a lot of pain if I walked for long. But it DID get better, especially after about a year. Not sure I’ll ever do another half marathon and I’m way more risk averse than in the past but I can mostly do anything now three years later.
Good luck!
Broken Ankle
Thank you for all these tips! It’s a scary injury to go through – I’m so glad to hear that you’ve almost fully recovered.
meara
Also also—I worked from home so figured no reason to not go back to work once I was off heavy pain meds. And it did keep me occupied. But honestly I should’ve gone back later/more part time, I came back after 2 weeks,and burned myself out because the rest of life was so hard, even if work was normal!
Anon
Crutches
Scar gel with silicones
Line up a physiotherapist
Netflix
Books
Prepare for him to be really frustrated at times
…..ask me how I know…:(
Anon
Talk to me about getting steps in. I started tracking my steps recently and realized that even as what I’d consider a very active person working out intensely 4-5 days a week, I was still rarely breaking 10,000 steps a day without concerted effort. If I put in the time to get 10,000 steps, adding a workout on top of that feels like a lot. Are you supposed to consider those steps the workout? Are people who do Peloton and OrangeTheory and the like also trying to get all those steps in? I’m confused about where I should focus my energy.
LoudyTourky
The 10K step thing was a marketing strategy for a Japanese pedometer in the ’60s. I think the latest science is recommending closer to 7500 steps a day.
I Peloton and aim for 8K steps a day, mainly because it encourages me to get outside and that’s good for my mental health. And if I run instead of riding, I definitely count those steps towards my daily goal. And I view walking as an easy starting exercise for those who are not exercising enough vs. the end-all, be-all exercise.
Cb
I think 10,000 steps might have been debunked but it is my “I feel active and happy, and my body feels good” place so maybe there is something in it? I wouldn’t worry about 10,000 steps on days when I was getting an intense workout.
anonshmanon
yep, 10000 is a made up number.
anon.
I’ll bite. I’m a Peloton user (probably somewhat on the “heavy user” end, usually 250-300 miles a month) and I do cross-train on the app as well. So I do the yoga classes and stretches, some strength. However, I also have a dog and a walk from my car to my office that tend to add steps to my day – so I don’t force myself to get 10000 but am usually somewhere between 8000-12000 without effort. I guess the answer is – I don’t focus on my steps the days I work out, but tend to accumulate them anyway.
anon
If I run, I definitely count those steps toward my goal! I aim for 7,500 a day. Enough that it feels like a challenge and makes me feel good, but not as intense as 10,000. It’s fairly difficult for me to get 10,000 on weekdays that I’m in the office. It’s easier on weekends.
NYCer
+1 to all of this. On days that I run, I definitely count those steps. And I also aim for 7,500 steps vs. 10,000 steps per day at this point in my life. I am always happy to have more than 7,500 though of course. :)
Tina
The 10,000 steps is a random number. I wouldn’t focus on it so much if you’re also exercising. I would focus on your actual exercise.
The apple watch keeps tracks of hours where you are at least a little active, maybe thats where youre looking instead?
CFS
Does walking on the spot count?
Anon
I rely on my iPhone to be my step counter, so I’m not sure how great it is. But the only times I organically break 10k are really intensive walking days, like being in Paris or being at Disneyland.
I don’t get steps in working out (recumbent bike) so I can’t comment on the working out adding to steps, but I would imagine that since it takes me literal hours of walking to get 10,000 steps, that would be a very long jaunt on the treadmill.
Anon1
If I run/play tennis, I count those steps towards my 10k
If I do a different workout (biking, lifting), I do that workout and also go on a short walk
On days I don’t workout, I make sure I get 10k
Basically, as long as I’m moving in some capacity, I feel like I’m doing enough.
Anon1
Clarifying that “short walk” is usually 10-30 mins around the neighborhood, and on those days somedays I break 10k, somedays I don’t but as long as I got a different workout in, I don’t sweat it!
Seafinch
I aim for 12,500-15,000 a day depending on what type of fitness plan I have on the go for that particular month. Some months I focus more heavily on weight training, some months I focus on running, a couple months a year I go flat out for both. I don’t count the steps as a work-out, it’s a separate goal for me, but I do aim for a walk/run plus a weight work-out six days a week. (I do Sweat workouts mostly).
I think you should do whatever motivates you and makes you feel good. Walking is a fantastic indicator of health in the long term so if I had to pick one, I would probably pick walking.
Anonymous
I’m a partner at a small firm in the Midwest. I’m fairly young (early 30s). I have practiced in a “privacy-adjacent” area for the last 5 years. I really like privacy law and I think I want to focus on it the rest of my career. My current clients and geographic region wouldn’t support this. I’m thinking about applying to Biglaw associate/contract positions in privacy. I know the hours expectations would change, and I’d be back to”being governed” as opposed to “governing” as a partner. I’d also be pretty old for an associate, I guess. Any other perspectives? Things I should be prepared for?
Anon
Can you find something between your current firm and big law? Plenty of mid size law firms do privacy law and might be less married to traditional clerk-associate-partner progression, potentially?
Katrinka
Have you thought of going in house at a tech company? For BigLaw, I’d recommend looking at moving in as a counsel, not an associate, so you’re at least not moving too far backward in terms of seniority. Also, any reason you can’t try to join BigLaw as a partner? You’re a partner at your current firm – will any clients come with you to a new firm?
anon
+1 privacy is hot and so important in corporate America right now and not going away any time soon. My vote is in-house privacy fo sho.
Cat
in-house privacy counsel is in demand. Why do you want to stay at a firm?
Anonymous
I think I am nervous about picking a company, honestly. My firm has very few “large” clients, so I don’t have any built-in relationships where I could go in-house. I assumed, maybe wrongfully, that I would need some big firm experience focused on privacy before going in house!
Katrinka
You never know until you try. In-house hiring is absolutely on fire now, and privacy regulations worldwide are exploding, companies are working hard to keep up. If you can make even a moderate case that you know something about privacy and are a good lawyer, I imagine plenty of companies would have interest.
ANON
I work with privacy associates adjacent to my practice (corporate) in Biglaw. In my view I think it’s worth spending a few years in Biglaw before going in house especially if you don’t have exactly on point experience. The volume of work and exposure to different issues and the training will make you a more confident advisor in house as well. I’ve been biglaw my entire career so maybe I’m brainwashed but I generally feel like smaller firms just do not offer the same training.
Hmm
I don’t think this is necessarily true, though biglaw firms will certainly tell you that it is.
Anon
100% agree.
Anon
I live in Brooklyn and have not eaten at a restaurant in Manhattan since February 2020, and even before then I mostly stuck to Brooklyn. I’m supposed to meet an old friend who I haven’t seen in years, who is going through some stuff, for dinner tonight and she asked me to pick a place. I have 0 ideas.
Anyone have recommendations for somewhere we won’t need a reservation, can linger, and the food will be really good? Friend doesn’t drink so drink menu is not a factor. No food restrictions. Anywhere below midtown would be good, east side is better than west…
Anon
Not a local, it every time I go to NYC I try to make it to Cafe Cluny. I can’t remember their reservations system, I hi k I’ve lad luck at the bar, but I’d make a reservation anywhere I could these days. Winging it is for 20-something me.
AIMS
Two places that come to mind in no particular order:
Khe Yo on Duane St in Tribeca.
The Smith (several locations, inc. midtown east, but thinking of the one near Madison Sq Park) – I just had a long easy dinner there & while someone did make a reservation it was day off and probably not really necessary.
Anon
+1 to the Smith. In-laws live in Midtown East and that’s our go-to brunch place because we can make a reservation. None of us want to wait in line for hours to eat brunch. I’ve been there for dinner too and think the food is good.
ANON
we got a table at mercer kitchen pretty easily on thursday and stayed until 11. food is mediocre – close to the smith but i guess the scene is trendier
Anon
I think you may need a reservation, but I went to
http://sarabethsrestaurants.com/locations/tribeca/
And sat in their outside parklet for a late breakfast/early lunch on a warm day for a business meeting, and it was great. The food was good, they didn’t rush us away from the table, and they kept filing up my iced tea, which is key for me.
NYNY
It’s not fancy, but I always love Cafe Mogodor on St. Mark’s. Reliably good food, and it’s a great place to talk to someone because they have sound-absorbing panels hung from the ceiling. And you can easily linger over mint tea or Turkish coffee.
Anonymous
Help me pick my first pair of expensive work appropriate shoes. I’m headed to my first ever partner’s retreat (biglaw) this summer and I want a pair of killer heels. Several partners are known for their love of shoes and I want to fit in but stand out, if that makes sense. I don’t want to spend $$$$ on plain pumps (boring) but I want them to be versatile. I’m overwhelmed by options. What would you choose? Thanks!
Anon
Equity partner in BigLaw and the number of female partners in Rothys points at our retreat convinced me. They are very good for a lot of standing. Many of our female partners from Asia are Ferragamo Vara devotees (but maybe they will wear Rothys to our next one now that they have been introduced and we are having a retreat again finally). The one domestic shoe person is a Ferragamo Varina person. Ferragamos work if your feet run narrow, but they don’t work for my feet and I wear an M Gemi pair of pointy-toe flats or Rothys. SO: not heels unless your feet like standing in them for hours on end. People who check no bags liked the Rothys b/c they worked in the airport and at the retreat.
OP
Thanks this is great! I’ll definitely pack a couple pair of Rothys. What about for dinner? There’s a women’s group dinner the night before the retreat; I don’t expect to stand around more than a couple hours, so I thought heels might be OK for that.
Anon
Usually those are sit down at round tables with a table cloth, so no one will even see your feet. Or really care. I would still dress for your comfort and also try not to drag enough stuff that you need to check a bag vs a wheelie that you can bring in the cabin with you.
Our retreat is 3 days and requires 2 days of travel (for me, domestic, for others, 24 hours of travel) and it is packed. Guys are in pants, often a polo, and a sports jacket / blazer vs really formal. We go to warm resort areas, so they often golf and dress more at that level of formality (nice golf attire or adjacent thereto). Maybe if the firm president is on a dias with an outside or client speaker, he/she wears business formal wear for that. I feel like comfortable dresses (if sheath, ponte, and others dresses like silk shirtdresses) and pants + blouse are the norm for women (and the A/C is always on high, so layers or blanket scarf are important). Try to pick pieces that go with each other. I wear not-frightening casual clothes b/c you never know who else is on your plane (vs my at-home clothes) on the plane.
Anon
This amused me because I left Big Law seven years ago now but I still associate it so strongly with Ferragamo. Soooo many Ferragamo devotees in my office (including the male partner I worked for the most). It was the only clothing brand I heard name-dropped over and over again (though of course people wore other brands too).
Anon
Same — I can always spot some in a crowd.
Anon
Our Tracey Flick partner (who is short, possibly a factor) always wears at least 3″ expensive heels, but IDK what her feet are made of that this is comfortable. I feel like that is not typical for our firm retreat where there is a LOT of standing at “corporate group reception” type events and in between sessions in the hallway.
Anonnymouse
I would check out Sarah Flint – their heels are very comfortable and they release interesting prints every so often.
https://www.sarahflint.com/collections/pumps
Anonnymouse
These in particular caught my eye: https://www.sarahflint.com/products/perfect-pump-50-black-filigree-suede
Anne-on
Hmm, I’d probably go with a Sarah Flint ‘perfect’ pump – I like the Emma’s for the more stable heel but they also have the regular spike heels. If you’re ok going to the $1k ish price point, the Feraggamo double bow pumps are gorgeous and the Aquazurra bow tie pumps are super pretty. The rockstuds are pretty overdone at this point but people still definitely wear them.
Anon
I’d be surprised if people at an all-internal retreat wore heels. [Buy heels if you want, but after two years of pajamas, I would expect things to be more loafers / sharp flats and even casual flats vs very dressy 2019 attire.] Can you see how formal this was previously? For external-facing travel, definitely go appropriately fancy. But for internal things where you may be standing, keep your feet happy and you will be able to network internally better and/or for longer.
Anon
I have a couple of pairs of these in fun colors/prints. Always get a lot of compliments on them and they are comfortable enough to stand around for an hour at a cocktail party:
https://www.samedelman.com/product/womens-hazel-pointed-toe-heel-3015547/capri-blue-leather-ec0235062
Anon
Sorry, in rereading, I see I misunderstood the assignment! I thought OP said she wanted something not expensive! Whoops!
Anon1
Those are so fun!
Cat
tbh I think amazing flats would be a bolder, more confident move than a new pair of killer heels. Sarah Flint has beautiful looking pieces (flats and heels) though I haven’t yet tried them IRL.
Anon
There was a review at CapHillStyle that made me think they wouldn’t work for my feet. I think the best thing to do is to go to a local NM or Saks or other fancy store and just try on and walk around until you find something your feet like. I have a spendy pair that I have to tape up my feet with moleskin to ward off the blisters (and I swear they felt fine in the store) but they have low heels and are good for a standing vs walking sort of day.
Anon
Shoe loving GC here. Sarah Flint perfect pumps are nice for dressing up but they don’t stand out. They’re comfortable but not exactly like a sneaker or anything. Comfortable for a heel. Her flats are downright painful. I don’t know why. I wouldn’t invest in those. For the OP, if you want to stand out, I’d go for Prada for a great work look, Manolo (the Carrie Bradshaw wedding shoe in a fun color like yellow), or Freda Salvator for funky (if that’s your vibe. If the point is to stand out, step away from the ferragamos or flints.
Anon
Agree. Check out loeffler Randall too.
Anon
Fluevogs!
Anon
Yes, but only if you have a strong book of business and are an equity partner / practice group leader. But at that level, you get the shoes YOU want.
Anon
I have a closet full of Fluevogs so obviously I love them but I think OP may be looking for something more mainstream.
I’d be looking at Lounboutin, Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik, Valentino, etc. OP if you’re up for in person shopping, go to Saks – the designer shoe department, not the regular one – and try on all the beautiful shoes.
jz
get the manolo birkenstocks
anon
I love my Valentino wedges. It’s a bit cliche but they are super comfortable, and work for dressy casual occasions. Without knowing the dress code of your conference, they could be a fun option and some of the styles might make your inner 90s self happy.
Anon
Ferragamo Varas or whatever style you like.
Anon
To the poster looking for tall joggers. I posted late to the thread the other day. Try Eddie Bauer Tall. I am about 5’10” and they are a little bit on the long side for me.
test run
Not the OP (but very tall) – a quick search for eddie bauer joggers lead me here: https://www.eddiebauer.com/p/21003846/jogger-pants-for-women?color=Celadon&sp=1&size=
I don’t need them for any reason (and they don’t come in talls) but they look soooo soft. Someone please buy them and report back.
Anonymous
I like Revlon Colorburst lip balm, but it isn’t cruelty free. Any suggestions for a similar lip balm with color? I like the bright red for Zoom calls!
pugsnbourbon
NYX, Wet N Wild, and Burt’s Bees are all cruelty free.
Ribena
I really like the Burts Bees lip balms with flour and also their balmy lip crayons (not sure what they’re called but they look like giant crayola crayons!) for a bit more colour.
ALT
Poster from last week-ish who asked what to do about a job interview requiring an all day shadowing: I emailed the recruiter saying I would need a week of lead time to take PTO/rearrange schedule/etc….and got ghosted by the recruiter.
So unprofessional of the recruiter and honestly, I’m annoyed about it all. Just wanted to follow up. I kind of feel like I dodged a bullet, but am also frustrated that they were so inflexible!
Anon
You 100% dodged a bullet but I understand your frustration.
Cat
+1, if this company was that bizarre and demanding and disorganized at the interview stage, can you imagine when they’re NOT trying to recruit??
Anon
Ugh. I commented on your post and am so disappointed by this take! But, yes, bullet dodged – hopefully you’ll find a great fit soon!
Anon
Chiming in to say the ghosting may not be anything to do with your response. They may have found a candidate already or the position may have been put on hold. I’ve been ghosted by recruiters too and sometimes the same recruiter has gotten back in touch a month later saying the position is now no longer on hold and they are hiring again!
Diana Barry
Would anyone who is a size 9 or 9W be interested in heels? I am getting rid of the Louise et cie “Kayin” in leopard (size 9) and the Naturalizer “Anna” in red (more of an orangy red). Links to follow if you are interested, you can email me at dianabarry at g m a i l :)
Diana Barry
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/louise-et-cie-kayin-pump/483947
Diana Barry
https://www.shoemall.com/product/naturalizer-anna-women-s-/1225028-2
anon
Hopefully this is a fun question! I’ve gotten into painting my nails on Sundays. It’s a nice little boost for the week and allows me to wear a new color without buying a bunch of new tops. Anyway, what are your favorite spring/summer colors? I am currently wearing Essie Keys to Happiness, which is a poppy red color in the new Target collection. I love it!
Cat
Essie Geranium (perfect coral-red) or Raspberry (when I want something floral but not as vivid). Occasionally switch it up with one of the coppery metallics (Penny something?), particularly for toes.
IL
That sounds fun – I may try to adopt this! I just picked up Essie’s Willow in the Wind which is a nice fresh-cut-grass shade of green. I hope to actually get my act together and apply it this week.
anon
Ooh, sounds pretty!
Anon
Anyone done laser hair removal on the bikini line? I would like to not have hair outside my bikini line but I HATE shaving and have had a lot of problems with ingrown hairs (one of which resulted in an infected cyst that I still have a scar from over a decade later). I have almost black hair and very pale skin so I think the laser is supposed to work well for me. Is it really painful? I’m a pain wuss.
Anon
I have the same hair/skin/ingrown hair issue as you, and I got laser. I looooove it. I got it done at my dermatologist’s office, and she prescribed me a numbing cream that helped. It was slightly painful, but less than waxing.
Anon
It is painful like all laser hair removal but for me it was less painful than upper lip. I am also a pain wuss but one thing i appreciated about laser is that the pain you feel at that moment is it, there is no lingering discomfort and pain.
Laser
It was not comfortable…but was worth it to me to have a few minutes of discomfort to avoid shaving! I did the entire area and probably should have a few more sessions because there are still a couple spots that require an occasional shave, but overall it was worth it. Will definitely never have to worry about ingrowns again!
Anon1
I do DIY laser at home, and it’s not painful. It works well enough.
Anonymous
Can you share which DIY laser you use?
Bella
Not Anon1, but I use the Bella laser that Costco has on sale every November. I occasionally have a painful burst, but only when I press against the skin too hard. Otherwise, I don’t really feel it, and I use it at the highest setting.
Anon
I’m Las wrong my bikini, underarms and full leg. It can be painful in some areas, including bikini in some spots but it’s quick and so worth it!! I’ve never gotten my bikini waxed because I think that would be too painful and not worth it given the temporary results.
Vitamin D me
My husband and I are TTC and as part of fertility testing, found out that my Vitamin D levels are low (21 vs the preferred range of 30-100). Does anyone have a Vitamin D supplement they would recommend? I’m already taking a prenatal, but sounds like I should be supplementing on top of that.
Walnut
This is the one I use: https://nutridyn.com/d3-10-000-with-k2
Anon
I take NatureMade.
Curious
Nordic Naturals gummies. Only thing that gets me to take my D religiously.
Anon
I like the one from Trader Joe’s.
Anon
Costco
Makeover?
Anyone have experience with giving themselves a makeover? I feel like the periods of my life where I’ve been the happiest have all been when I was putting attention into my personal appearance / really investing in each day (styled hair, lots of jewelry, red lips, cute outfits). I’m trying to think of ways to revamp some of that energy post-lockdown, and would love suggestions!
Anon
I haven’t, but consider that it was your happiness leading to more attention to your personal appearance and not the other way around.
Anon
Eh I’m not OP but I find I feel better when I take time on my appearance. It’s definitely a way to treat the blahs and the blues for me, and is helpful during stressful times as well. And it’s not the other way around.
Monday
I might not call it a “makeover,” but I’m revisiting some beauty options that I had assumed I couldn’t do. 1) Eyeshadow. I love how it looks, but have oily lids and it’s never stayed put on me. I recently bought some inexpensive “shadow sticks,” and it definitely doesn’t stay perfect all day, but it’s an effect I like. I use natural colors so that it won’t look too crazy as it starts to crease or flake. 2) Painted nails. I got a gel manicure and it’s actually lasting, so I am considering just going on with that. I know it’s not great for skin or nails, but it encourages me to be much easier on my nail area and so the net effect is still an improvement compared to the brittle, too-short nails and damaged nail beds I usually had in the past.
For jewelry, I enjoy owning a lot of small pieces that combine in different ways. It keeps it interesting without my constantly wanting to buy new stuff.
I also just decided I want to be a belt person after all, and got a few belts. My shirt is usually tucked in these days, and a belt makes my outfit look much more complete IMO. An interesting style or buckle can make it more interesting.
test run
Which shadow sticks do you use? I also have oily lids and am curious about trying these out.
Anon
I use nudestix and they work well on my very oily lids. I find them worth the price
Anon
Start with a good bra. Seriously.
I spent weeks ordering and returning bras to get the perfect one, relying on the a bra that fits calculator at redd1t (read all the sidebar stuff about shape etc, and absolutely make a post or two about different styles because there’s more to it than just getting your size.) Once you have a few bras that fit, by new underwear in coordinating colors (I like soma lace trimmed modern briefs, and they come in lots of colors, but whatever works for you.)
Once you have new underpinnings you will feel refreshed and well put together. If you still want to get a bunch of clothing, at least you know it will fit right since you’re wearing the right bra.
For makeup and skincare, I’ve really been enjoying Sali Hughes’s Instagram, recommended by someone on this board – THANK YOU – and she spurred me to change how I do my daily makeup. I made a virtual appointment with Bobbi brown to get a foundation shade recommendation and it’s a perfect match.
Anon
I’ve been working on this as well — I think the causation definitely goes both ways.
I started by getting the basics of maintenance down — got my eyebrows done and a mani-pedi, got a haircut and color, got a facial and massage, went through my closet and tossed the stuff that was clearly worn/stained/stretched out, and started going to yoga classes again. I also focused on drinking lots of water and resolving to always wash my face and do lotion at night before bed. That all took about 2-3 weeks total and honestly, I really did feel like I had a makeover by the end!
After that I added a bit of the more typical “makeovery” stuff — I took all the “comfort” clothes that I had been wearing to work as my “I feel blah today” outfits and put them elsewhere, because I had started to wear them every day (and they are best in moderation), and I resolved to do my hair and a simple makeup routine every morning. I also replaced some underthings and the shoes that I commute in. Honestly all of this is just boring basic stuff but I totally feel like a different person after two years in athleisure and a ponytail.
Anon
Having my nails done makes a remarkable difference in how I feel! I’m terrible at it, so going to the salon is a biweekly treat for me.
Katrinka
Subscription boxes of clothes are a help to me! I like the Lauren Look for an actual subscription, or tried n true Stitchfix for adding some interesting basics.
anon
Getting an autoplay Hyundai ad on the right sidebar. Using chrome on an ipad