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- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Deedee
Heading into my first IUI this AM and I’m accepting any good vibes you have to share as we truly launch our TTC journey. I am nervous!
Anon
Good luck!! Sending positive thoughts!
Anon
We did an IUI and got lucky on our first try and ended up with twins. Good luck!
pugsnbourbon
Good vibes!!!! I’ve known a handful of folks who’ve gotten pregnant via IUIs – it took a few tries but it worked out. Hoping it goes well for you!
anon
It took three tries, but DD is an IUI baby! Good luck :)
Aunt Jamesina
Good luck!
Anon
I’d rethink that depending on what state you’re in if it goes wrong
Anon
Really not helpful for someone going through this.
Deedee
I happen to be in a state where abortion is legal, and my heart is absolutely hurting for the consequences of Roe being overturned. But to be honest, I’m not sure what the point of this comment is…should I just not get to have a family? I’m queer so I have no other options outside of assisted reproduction, wish though I might!
Thanks to the rest of you for your well wishes.
Anon
I’m not that poster, but I think she meant rethink pregnancy in general? I don’t think it’s specific to fertility treatments because you can get ectopic pregnancy or other life-threatening complications even if you conceive “naturally.” But I agree not helpful to someone who has already made the decision to go down this path.
Anon
Why would you think that’s a good thing to reply to this person?
Celia
You should be ashamed – the OP knows the news as well as the rest of us and this process is hard enough. OP, Good luck.
Aunt Jamesina
Someone with the means and time to pursue fertility treatments is likely able to seek out abortion services even if they live in a red state.
Anon
I think the real issue is that in an ectopic pregnancy or something like that time can be of the essence and you may not have time to get out of state in an emergency. As an affluent woman, I’m not worried about what would happen if I got accidentally knocked up. I’d schedule an abortion out of state. I’m worried about what would happen with a wanted pregnancy if I had a complication and doctors at my local hospital had to delay treatment to get authorization from higher-ups that the treatment wouldn’t violate the law. I admit this has gone into our decision making about a second child. We were leaning one and done anyway, but this kind of cemented it. I don’t want to die and leave my existing child motherless.
Anon
I’m also worried how ob/gyns might just pack up and leave to find a job in a state where their expertise is respected.
Aunt Jamesina
Very true.
Anon
In what world do you consider treatment for an ectopic pregnancy the same thing as an abortion. This ruling does not change the ability of women to access life-saving treatment in the event of ectopic pregnancies or miscarriages. No OB/GYN I know, and my father is one, equates the two. This is a very false comparison. Not to mention not helpful to the original poster.
Aunt Jamesina
Anon at 2:09, I know Missouri had legislation drafted that did not make exceptions for ectopic pregnancies.
Anon
A lot of states are passing laws that criminalize any termination where the fetus still has a heartbeat. Ectopic babies can have heartbeats, and the mother can get seriously ill or die before the electrical signal from the fetus’s heart stops. Yes, theoretically if the mother’ life is endangered, abortion is permitted (currently – though possibly not in the future) but doctors and hospital administrators who don’t want to go to jail will now have to err on the side of making that call too late rather than too early, and some women will die as a result. This is a very real issue and one of the reasons ACOG describes abortion as “an essential component of comprehensive medical care.” Surprised your dad doesn’t know that. 🤷🏼♀️
Anon
Look up Savita Halappanavar. She was clearly miscarrying and died of sepsis because doctors couldn’t terminate because they could still detect a heartbeat. You’re kidding yourself if you think the same won’t happen here. (And fwiw every OB I know is worried about women dying from miscarriages and ectopics as a result of today’s ruling. They are definitely very intertwined for most women’s health experts.)
TO No-Longer-Junior
Good luck! I just had my first IUI earlier this week, here’s to success on the first try for both of us! I’m cautiously optimistic so far.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
Awww best of luck! Hope to see you on the Mum’s board very soon as an expecting parent!
Frequent daters
For those people who are getting multiple dates each week of of dating services: how? I’m a solid 2 out of 10; I’m come to terms with my lack of physical attractiveness, and I’ve always known that while I don’t get dates, other people do. However, I’m just not understanding how its possible to get that many dates each week. I had always assumed a reasonable pace would be maybe getting one solid dating lead per week. Am I just so unknowledgeable about dating or are you all 9s and 10s? (I’m really not trying to make anyone feel bad. I’m truly impressed and I loved the strategy from the two-dates-per-night person. I just can’t comprehend how the numbers are so hi because of my lack of dating experience.”
Anon
That surprised me too. I’ve never done online dating but my friends who’ve done it have been lucky to have a date every week and they’re all conventionally pretty. It seems like a lot of people just want to message back and forth without actually scheduling something.
Anon
I’m betting this is regional.
Anon
+1. It also depends on how much of a connection you want with the person before meeting in person. I would rather just skip straight to that, so I will ask to meet in person after exchanging just a few messages.
Basically, I get lots of first dates from the apps cause I’m not picky. I’ve learned that I can’t tell who I will like based on their profile so I would rather just meet a lot of people for drinks.
Anon
100%. And you have to be willing to meet up for first dates even if you’re not sure about the person. I get a lot of first dates but it’s MUCH harder to get second, third, fourth dates!
Anonymous
People do not match with me. Im not being picky about messaging!
Anonymous
Same! I think I’m pretty, and I’m accomplished, and I’m fun, and I’m lucky if I get one or two bumble match’s a month
Anon
I also have accepted I’m no beauty (I was surprised by all the people rating themselves very attractive/beautiful the other day; good for you!). I have found that I get less male attention than others, but the attention I do get tends to be from men that work well for me, since they are attracted to personality (I’m told I come across as warm and fun) rather than strictly appearance. So perhaps your ratio is not going to be 50 dates to 1 quality guy, but a lot lower? This is truly not meant as a judgmental comment to anyone, but meant as encouragement to those of us who are not super naturally beautiful!
Monday
Just as a side response to your side comment: I’ve noticed that bias in general on threads about appearance, and also finances. Commenters tend to say they’re attractive, look younger than they are, and make a lot of money with plenty of savings. I am NOT saying anyone is lying (especially on something subjective, since what would that even mean). But I do think there’s a bias in who responds to these threads.
anon
I think there’s truth in this. I’m 38, overweight, and was never beautiful. I don’t comment on threads about appearance, youth, or dieting. My finances are a mess. I rarely comment on threads about finances.
Anonymous
Definitely a factor. I’m not conventionally pretty; am I really going to answer a thread asking me to rate how attractive I am, when everyone else is saying they are pretty or beautiful? Or threads about retirement savings or bonuses or whatever. These are being answered by people who save my entire salary each year—or multiples of my salary–yet who are still worried and fretting over not having enough money.
Anon
I think some people are lying, or at least exaggerating, about their attractiveness and their income level, and also how successful they are in their jobs. I mean – this is the internet; I’d be a little surprised if there weren’t a few fakers here. Especially given that we don’t have accounts, anyone can post anonymously at any time, and there’s no way to track someone’s previous comments, I think there’s a fair amount of deception that goes on. Which, again, given human nature and the way the internet works, I fully expect.
Cat
I think some of it is intentional deception for staying anonymous, too.
Anon
Yes to deception for staying anonymous. Especially when I’m posting about someone else, I sometimes change some of the minor details so that they don’t inadvertently come across someone obviously talking about them behind their back. I’m also vague about dates and locations so that I’m not completely recognizable to someone who knows me. But I’ve never claimed to be richer or prettier- for the record, I’d say I’m about average in attractiveness and make a lot less money than most people here, but am a little older and very frugal so my net worth is higher than most. I chip in on those retirement threads to encourage people who don’t make six figure salaries.
Anon
I don’t know, what’s the motive to lie? I got creeped out by people identifying regular posters and piling on on them so I went anon. But I don’t need to say I’m rich or pretty to feel good about myself.
Sasha
I disagree. Sure it’s the internet and everyone lies. However, this is a board specifically geared for career-oriented women and its core poster base is female attorneys working in Big and MidLaw. The average income here is going to naturally be higher due to the nature of the work, and doubly so since a lot of posters here live in major metro areas where salaries (and CoL) is higher. Everything you mentioned–physical attractiveness, job performance, good finances–are all a bi-product of making a lot of money, and/or coming from families with money, which many posters are transparent about. I think a good portion of the responses here regarding those things are likely true.
There aren’t a lot of spaces where women can speak confidently about their professional and financial successes, or frankly assess their own physical attractiveness without being called conceited or delusional. I’d like to keep this one of them.
Anonymous
Some of us also just feel pretty! I’m sure plenty of people don’t find me pretty but I genuinely think I am. Loving yourself is a real thing!
Anonymous
I think the anonymity can go both ways in things like this. I didn’t participate in the earlier thread, but I’m more comfortable saying that I think I’m good-looking to internet strangers than in my everyday life. I don’t think I have any particular hangs-ups, it’s just that a frank discussion about one’s own level of attractiveness is not done in my daily life, at least.
Anon
Agree. I comment a lot but I didn’t comment on the attractiveness thread. I’m medium looking. There have been times in my life where I was above average. But I didn’t really see the point of that thread.
Anon
Haha or there’s truly a correlation between having financial means and being able to meet society’s beauty standards!
I got braces as a teen, get my hair highlighted ever 12 weeks so it’s a very natural looking blonde, have gotten Botox, lasers, and have a costly nightly skincare routine. I just refreshed my makeup and it was $400 at blue mercury (yikes). I can afford exercise classes and a nutritionist. When I had an injury on my face as a kid, my parents had the plastic surgeon stitch me. I have my clothes tailored.
None of this is to brag – People would probably say that I’m naturally pretty in a very low maintenance way but they have to idea the time or money that actually goes into it! Have you seen the unkind memes (I think some featuring Kylie Jenner) about how nobody is ugly, just poor.
Anon
Thank you for being honest.
Anon
I find it hard too. I’m not thin so that makes it harder for me. To get that many dates in a week I have to talk to a LOT of people. A lot. But I’ve never done the two dates on one night thing!
Anon
Some of it is geography — I’m in NYC. There’s just a lot of people here.
How are your photos? They should be as flattering as possible and, more importantly, good photos that show you doing interesting things. If photos are grainy, or clearly old, or in low light, or only show part of your face, people will swipe left. If your photos are recent and otherwise good, try to edit them to make the colors more vibrant. Considering asking friends to help if you need new photos — take photos outside on sunny days or during golden hour, ideally doing fun things. Do not have photos that are only chin up — even if you don’t feel great about your body, there are men out there who will adore it exactly as it is. You don’t need a bikini pic obviously, but a photo of you standing (showing you head to toe) in a nice location or something should be in there. Your written bio barely matters — most men don’t read it — but obviously avoid any red flags. For most of my dating life I had (an original) one line joke in mine.
And some of it is the algorithms. If you swipe right on 10 people and only 1 of them swipes right on you, you get pushed lower in the stack for most users (so they don’t even see your profile). Deleting your profile and starting again with a new account (using a new email or phone number) should give you a fresh start on the algorithm. I would do that once you have fresh photos ready to go.
A positive story in case it helps — I had a (male) friend who would not get a single match for weeks or months at a time. He is short and looked a bit older than his age in his photos, but otherwise his photos were great, his bio was interesting, and he is legitimately a great guy. He just got screwed by the algorithm over the years. He finally got a match after a 4 month dry spell that had him really down, and they are perfect for each other (he’s a musician, she’s a singer, they now collaborate) and they got married about a year and change after matching. So it’s not just about the numbers, sometimes the right person just comes along!
anon
This is great advice. My best friend is self conscious about her weight, so all of her dating profile pics are of her hiding behind other people, or weird angles where you can’t see her body or artistic selfies of her face. I’ve tried to tell her that she needs to post full body photos (especially if they’re of her doing something fun!) because she wants to find a guy that will be attracted to how she actually looks and not how she wishes she looks. In addition to having good photos, do they showcase your personality or make you look fun or interesting? When I was doing online dating a lot of guys had really serious or posed photos and they just didn’t look as fun to go out with as someone who might be less attractive but more interesting. Whatever your dating strengths are (personality, sense of humor, hobbies, etc.), try to find photos that play that up so if a guy isn’t reading your bio at least he can say “I’d really like to meet her because…[she likes board games!]/[she likes the same hobby/activity I do!]/[she looks like she’d be a blast at a karaoke bar].”
Anonymous
+1 I’m plus size and didn’t hide myself in dating app pics. I don’t want to meet a date IRL and have him run the other way. There are plenty of men interested in dating plus size women. My ex-husband was very fit with a 6 pack, in the gym sometimes twice a day. He loves plus size women, only dates us…loves us too much, as he cheated, but the point is still valid. Find someone who loves you for you!
Anon @ 2:57
Yup, I agree! I can think of at least 3 women I know who are plus size or close who met their partners online sometime in the last 3-5 years.
Monday
I think there are a lot of variables involved, and appearance isn’t even the most important one. In my experience, 1) openness to meeting whoever, and 2) willingness to be the one to ask, are what informs number of dates. I had pretty narrows standards for who I thought was worth meeting, and usually wanted to see if they would ask rather than do it myself, so I had far fewer dates, and that’s how I wanted it. I think there was ONE week in which I had 2 first dates, but one of them was immediately and clearly a dud. I could never have found more than one interesting prospect at one time; I feel lucky to have found one person at all. The advice to go on lots of dates and consistently be dating multiple people was not relevant to me because I don’t like nearly enough men for that.
anon
I’d agree strongly with this. Appearance matters, but only to an extent, and I’d argue photos matter more. You can be attractive but have 5 of the same photo with you in a group in sunglasses and struggle, or you can be less attractive, overweight, but have 5 photos that show you having fun and doing cool stuff and get a good number of matches.
Anonymous
I agree with this. I was open to meet people if they didn’t have any red flags. Sometimes I initiated right away. I had a rule if the texting went on for over a week and didn’t go any where I moved on. Witty banter via messaging does not translate into great in-person chemistry. I just sorted on education (had to have a bachelor’s degree at least since I have a PhD) and political views (had to be liberal or moderate) and set age 10 years lower and higher than my age. I live in the outskirts of a very urban area and had lots of dates.
IL
Some of it is just pure geography – are you in a large city or are you trying to date from the suburbs? Are you willing to meet up in a nearby city? I have mixed feelings about this, but I currently know two people (one guy, one girl) who got into relationships by setting their location to the nearest city that they were not in and being willing to travel to it to for dates. And iirc, Pete Buttigieg met his spouse who was living in Indiana this way. And I know of one other woman who would travel to someplace frequently for vacations (Hawaii) and set her location there; she’s now married to someone from there and lives in Hawaii. I guess my advice is that people seem to have success changing the location, and you should give that some thought to that if the idea appeals to you.
Anon
Ha, now that I think about it, my spouse basically did this! He was living in a tiny town about an hour south of our city, but put his location as his work which is in a suburb about 30 min south of downtown. He was happy to come up here for all our dates and moved in with me, so I never thought twice about it.
Anonymous
If this is not working for you, have you considered trying to meet people in real life? I frequent a few local places and most nights have the equivalent of the two dates a night experience. Most don’t land, but a few have – serious, casual, and dating.
Anon
I commented that I went in 4-5 dates a week when actively dating. A few factors probably were in play. I’m in the Bay Area, which at the time had a lot of single men (probably still does) who met my basic criteria (educated, good job, etc.). If there weren’t red flags, I’d go on a date. I also really broadened my criteria to meet in person versus rejecting them on paper for everything from income, looks, etc. I was open to a wide range of backgrounds, divorced, men with kids, etc. I figured while I had ideas of what I wanted, the right person might minimize some factors I thought were dealbreakers so I was willing to meet for a drink. I am conventionally attractive, but no supermodel. I did use fantastic pictures (got them done professionally) and those grabbed a lot of attention. I lied about my age to get in a lower bracket to get more hits on my profile (but fessed up quickly). My other tip would be make a date a date (drinks or dinner) and go in with an open mind. It’s much more conducive to having fun and doesn’t feel like a job interview. You actually aren’t stuck at a dinner – I’ve walked out on exceptionally bad dates by saying, “you know, I can already tell we aren’t a match and I’d like to go home.”
Anon
I’m mid thirties and in DC. Appearances, I’m maybe a 5 or 6? Pretty generic. Looking for a relationship with someone who also wants kids, not anything casual. That alone narrows it down. I probably swipe left on 90% of men (currently using hinge), but actively try to meet after just a few messages with anyone I match with. But, a lot of men will respond with one message and then disappear. I average maybe one first date a week, if that.
Anonymous
I was one of the commenters that had 2-3 dates some weeks–this was when I was in my late 40’s (I’m 52 now). I’m in a large metro area which helps. Also I really worked on my profile photos. I do look younger than my age and have a girl next door look — cute but not a model. My sister took some photos of me and she was making funny comments so we put together a college of three pictures with me laughing, smirking and making a funny face. The guys who went out with me often specifically commented on that photo and said how they liked how much fun it looked like I was having. Also I really had to tweak my profile wording many times to get the right balance of fun yet specific things about me and what I was looking for in a guy. There’s lots of good advice out there about profile pictures and wording and it takes time to have a good profile. Finally I was on the app every day messaging many guys. I would say that my message to date ratio was probably 9:1 maybe? It’s totally a numbers game. I only used Bumble because I wanted to be able to make the first move and I didn’t have the energy for other apps. That said, many dating guides recommend using multiple apps.
Anonymous
I’ll also only screened for education and political affiliation and set a wide age range. I ended up going out with some guys 10 years younger than me and my partner is 7 years younger.
Anon
I specifically said I wasn’t looking for a husband (I wasn’t), which I think got me a lot of hits and first dates, but then of course I found a husband. I did this before the swiping thing so it wasn’t based solely on pictures.
Anonymous
I would say two things in response to this. First, I’m not naturally attractive but when I was dating I made a major effort to upgrade my look. A big investment in better dressing and wearing makeup, etc, made me much more conventionally attractive (though not a stunner by any means). Second, I did a lot of work to get to two dates a week. I messaged a ton of people and was active on the apps. It was grueling.
Anonymous
I think you’re being hard on yourself saying you’re a 2 out of 10. That sounds like some low self-esteem which may come across in your profile or communication with matches. Think of it this way, I truly believe everyone is at least a 5, or average. I think I’m like a 5 or 6 on a given work day like today, and when I dress nicely and do my hair and makeup, I’m easily a 7 or 8. So are you! And I’m 37, divorced, and plus size for context, which I recognize narrows down the pool of dates.
However, I get a lot of matches and have been on 2-3 dates a week, could be more if I had more time. I live in a large East Coast city, so maybe that helps? I think it’s because I’m not picky and usually match, chat a bit, then have a call pretty quickly, like within the first 3 days of messaging. I’m not going to message ad infinitum. The call is a good screening tool-if he can’t sustain a conversation, no point in going out in person. Maybe try chatting less? It does die out at a certain point.
Also plus-sized 40 year old
I’m sorry but no plus-size almost-40 year old is a 7 or an 8, no matter what clothes or make-up she is wearing.
Also, is is silly to say that “everybody is at least a 5.” By definition, 50% of women are 5 or below. Source: statistics.
Anon
Hard disagree, and this is just rude.
Anonymous
LOLOLOL you need to learn what mean, median, and mode are. Also, the average American woman is a size 16. I guess we are all supposed to be single, ugly, and as miserable as you. Source: statistics.
Frequent daters
No, I’m a solid 2. I have very high self-esteem, mostly because I’m never going to get external validation for my looks. I’m smart, I’m accomplished, I’m funny, and I’m just not good looking. It happens. Accepting reality doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. Some people have to be below average, and in the looks department, that’s me.
To everyone else who provided helpful comments, thanks for the insights!
Anon
Thoughts on Crumbl cookies? One just opened in my town. I know it has a lot of social media buzz but I’m curious about opinions from people who aren’t being paid to shill.
Anon
Our team got one for our boss’s son after surgery, and they said they really liked it!
Anonymous
Omg just go eat a cookie
Anon
+1
OP
Why so snarky? I plan to try them at some point, just curious what other people think.
anon
supremely overrated.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
+1 – Agreed. I’d rather order from our local cookie delivery place.
Veronica Mars
I like them because the cookies themselves aren’t super sweet (but the icing/topping generally it). Nice every now and then for a treat.
anon
Not a fan. I had issues with the texture. Too me it felt as though I was eating raw cookie dough. And the cookies are way too sweet for my taste.
Anon
We have one in our town and the presentation is pretty (nice pink box) and the kids get excited because of the buzz of how special they are. The actual cookies are pretty big and taste fine but nothing special.
Anon
Delicious. Just try one. It’s a cookie not a home.
Anon
JFC can’t people just ask what other people’s opinions are?
Anon
I mean, sure, but do you need to crowd source for something that’s obviously popular enough that there are a zillion franchises so clearly “people” think it’s good?
Anonymous
Super easy to order and send for get well, birthdays, etc. Not something I buy for myself but an easy treat to send that’s not super $$. And they are fast.
anon
A friend dropped some off for me and my family around the holidays last year. The box is pretty, I appreciated the variety she bought, and the cookies were delicious. I’m not on social media enough to be aware of the buzz, and I didn’t pay for them, so my expectations were neither high nor low going in. Cookies are one of my favorites, and these were good bakery cookies.
Sybil
Good but not amazing. I try some every once in awhile if the flavors call to me. Some have made me audibly gasp with delight, others are fine.
Anon
I really like them! A lot of people seem to find them too sweet but I don’t find the cookies themselves that sweet. The frostings can be pretty sweet though, so I tend to prefer the non-frosted cookies. My favorite is their milk chocolate chip which is always available. The cookies are kind of underbaked so they have a very soft, doughy texture. The chocolate chip one reminds me of Levain in NYC if you’ve had that.
But they’re definitely polarizing. My mom hates them and my 4 year old daughter who loves pretty much all sweets proclaimed the milk chocolate chip cookie “disgusting” (I think because of the texture?). She likes their double chocolate cookies (which taste more like a brownie) though.
Anon
Has anyone used Curology, and do you recommend it? I have both pimple and aging prevention concerns (ugh). I took their skin quiz but was surprised they didn’t incorporate a retinol into the suggested formulation, nor ask for skin photos. Not pregnant or TTC. Thanks!
Anon
I used to use Curology and liked it. You can specifically ask to put tretinoin in your formulation and they will. That’s what I did because tret is one of the only things that helps my acne and they did it no problem.
Anon
+1 I asked for it, and I also got them to keep increasing the tret percentage, slowly, after I’d acclimated to the last level. They start low.
anon
I used Curology for awhile and it was fine. I stopped because I just wanted tretinoin with no other active ingredients and they wouldn’t send it to me. They were kind of snarky about my request for something different than their standard, which was annoying because the marketing is so much about personalization.
Anon
I was able to provide skin photos and give input on what I wanted/didn’t want in the formulation. I’d use them again if they started stocking the retinaldehydes my skin prefers.
Anon
Can you expand on this? I have tretinoin in mine and always have. What is the difference with retinaldehydes?
Anon
You would know if you had a hard time with tretinoin (if the skin never adjusted and was just red and sore even after weeks of every-other-day use of tiny amounts under the guidance of a dermatologist, etc.).
Retinaldehydes aren’t as effective, but are gentler, so they’re more for sensitive skin or people who can’t use tretinoin due to sun sensitivity or contraindications.
Anon
Are they the same as OTC retinol?
Anon
No, retinol and tretinoin (retinoic acid) are both retinoids. Sadly my skin can’t even handle retinol!
Retinaldehydes are different.
Skin nerd
Retinaldehyde is one one step from retinoic acid (aka tretnoin) – the body converts it to retinoic acid. Retinol is another step away and is therefore less effective but better tolerated.
anon
Try Agency. Same company, anti-aging version. I’ve used it for six months and really like it.
Anon
I love my curology. My mix is tretinoin, azalea UC acid, and niacinimide. I also get the kit with the cleanser and the rich moisturizer, as well as the lip balm. They are all fantastic products.
I have rosacea AND aging AND lifelong acne, but the acne is down to the very occasional small pimple now.
Anonymous
I used it and didn’t notice much of a difference after 4 months, so I stopped. You can get most of the products at The Ordinary.
Jules - paging poster re San Diego divorce attorney
For the poster asking about a divorce attorney for a friend in San Diego: I reached out to two colleagues in my field (labor and employment) there for their go-to referrals. Here’s what they sent:
Ruthless type: Sandra Morris 619-685-3042
Good divorce attorneys:
Sharon Kalemkiarian 619-234-8585, Susan Rapp 619-236-9331, Margie Huntington 619-239-9500
If cost is an issue but not enough to sacrifice quality, Mehry Mohseni at Cage & Miles ( 858-258-5766).
In North County: Janet Bledsoe Lacy 760-722-1234 and Jim Hennenhofer 760-941-2260
Hope this is helpful.
Anon
Just want to say I appreciate this community so much and these type of specific recs and support for others.
Anon
+1 so thoughtful of you Jules
Anne-on
This is super kind, you’re so nice to hunt these down and post them!
Jules - paging poster re San Diego divorce attorney
Thank you! This group has helped me so much, on issues from what I should wear to a specific meeting, to whether certain sandals are cute, to how to deal with a very difficult situation in my marriage (and then to dating after the divorce). Just trying to pay it back a little.
KC
Agreed! This is a wonderful community.
Another Anon
I am the OP from yesterday asking for recs – I am touched that you would look into this and follow up. Thank you so much!! You and this community are amazing. Hope you and everyone has a lovely weekend.
Anon
I’m so impressed with the above poster getting recs for divorce attorneys!!
On the other end of that — does anyone have a rec for an attorney (well, 2 attorneys) to do a straightforward prenup? There’s some inherited money and a child from a prior relationship involved, but no one has millions nor is a high earner, and there’s no businesses.
We’re in NYC. If this is something we can do remotely, then I think anyone in NYS would be fine.
Anon for this
I have worked with her and would recommend.
https://www.rowerllc.com/louisa-derose
Also: https://www.ahernpc.com/about
OP
Thank you!
Anon
Help! Since yesterday, my cheeks have had a rough, orange peel texture. I have not changed my skincare at all (double cleanse at night, vitamin c, oilfree moisturizer, sunscreen), and this has never happened to me. Last night, I put a layer of aquophor over my normal night cream thinking it would help but it’s the same this morning. I cannot tell if the orange peel texture skin needs more moisture or less (it actually looks plumper). Suggestions?
Anne-on
This sounds a bit like inflammation/irritation to me. I have rosacea flares that look a bit like this (which, after decades of having oily break-out prone skin it was a shock to develop rosacea in my 40s). Vitamin C irritates my skin if it’s already irritated to begin with. Perhaps remove the vitamin C cream for a few days and see if that helps? Cortisone or sulfur cream (both otc) for a few days are also helpful for me for very minor flares, but I need prescription meds for larger or scale-y flares.
Aunt Jamesina
I feel like nine times out of ten when I have a weird rash or texture thing happen, it goes away pretty quickly if I just leave it alone. As long as there aren’t any other symptoms, I would let it be another day or two, then make an appointment with a derm if it doesn’t.
Anon
When I’ve gotten that, it’s been a rash or an insect bite, not a cosmetic issue.
Pompom
Left field guess here, but have you been around small children or people who could possibly be carrying the strep virus? Could be Fifths Disease, which is a bumpy rash-like situation that usually strikes on the face and neck. Goes away, but is annoying.
Or it’s just a bumpy inflamation! I hope it goes away for you soon!
BeenThatGuy
I was just going to ask if she’s been around kids as I was thinking about Fifths also. Usually by the time the rash hits, the virus is working it’s way out of the system.
pugsnbourbon
Is it itchy? I went through a period where I’d get patches of hives on my face. I never figured out what triggered it but it was really annoying. I tried to baby my skin as much as possible and it eventually resolved.
CHL
I get this on my neck now in direct sunlight (thanks, middle age!). It’s a sun allergy and is actually lots of little hives. Hope this is not it for you but maybe an option?
Anonymous
Are you stressed? A good friend gets stress hives that sound similar to your description.
pugsnbourbon
I am sure this will end up in today’s news roundup, but I came across this and thought it was interesting:
https://www.theatlantic.com./technology/archive/2022/06/fast-fashion-trends-industry-mass-market-consumption/661371/
As with everything, it’s the algorithm’s fault.
Anon
Speaking of news, there was an article in the NY Times yesterday about how expensive French bulldogs have gotten and how they’re constantly getting stolen. Maybe the poster with the terrible neighbor just needs to give it some time and someone will get rid of those dogs for her!
Anon
Oh that is horrible.
Anon
One of my former coworkers breeds French bulldogs and they had insane security around the dogs.
Anon
I saw that headline too and had the exact same thought.
Lily
RIP, Roe. Hope the “but her emails” “but Bill Clinton’s a rapist” folks rot.
AnonTX
I totally bought into spon crap and bought a “But Her Emails” hat that I proudly wear because I just come back to that feeling so much.
Anon
Huh?
Anon
I am still enjoying my Nasty Woman coffee mug
Seventh Sister
One of these days I’m going to go full Fried Green Tomatoes in a parking lot, but some days I really consider letting my foot slip when I am behind a car with a Bernie sticker in traffic.
In more useful news, I told the kids they *could* go to college in a red state, but they’d probably have to involve us if they needed to get emergency contraception or an abortion, so maybe they should consider attending college in a place where they wouldn’t have to talk to us about that kind of thing.
Anon
I think that’s probably an overstatement. Most red states are driving distance from a blue state, and college kids have cars or can find a friend with a car. I mean, I would have told my mom if I’d needed an abortion in college because I would have wanted the emotional support. And maybe would have needed her logistically for money (it’s not free even at PP, right?) But I wouldn’t have needed logistical support from her to drive across state lines.
Seventh Sister
It all depends on how hard it is to get across state lines in the next few years. And honestly, at least one of my kids is not great in a crisis.
anon2
But if it is illegal where they are going to school and they are tracked through phone’s location, there is a risk of prosecution.
Seventh Sister
There are a few people in my life, and a few circumstances, where I’d risk prosecution. But if my kid called me and needed that kind of help, I’d be on a plane that day.
Anonymous
Well there goes our freedom
JTM
Well in case you haven’t heard, SCOTUS has said you can carry a concealed weapon anywhere, but women can’t be trusted to make decisions for their own bodies.
I really hate this place.
Anon
I have no words :(
Anon
I know this was expected but I still cannot believe this is happening.
Anon
+1
The repercussions of 2016 are going to last for decades.
Anon
Same. I blame every single person who did not vote for Hillary in 2016. They are directly responsible
Anon
I voted for Hillary but still blame her for running a delusionally bad campaign.
nyc
+1
Anon
Anyone who voted for T because they think Hillary ran a bad campaign gets my full foot up their a55
Anon
People didn’t vote for T because they thought Hillary ran a bad campaign; they voted for T because Hillary failed to win them over. That’s why *I* think she ran a bad campaign.
AIMS
But her emails…
Sorry, couldn’t help it. Sarcasm and humor is how I deal with frustration and rage. I really am so SO disappointed. even with the leaked opinion I had hoped somehow this wouldn’t be what happened. And now I just hope this bites everyone responsible for it in the a**. The dog caught the car. So fine – all those people who want to tell women they don’t even know what to do with their bodies get to find out that actually maybe they can’t have IVF, too.
Seventh Sister
That’s me as well – I’ve been sending my husband terrible memes and showed my kids a clip from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (the musical number about birth). Laugh to keep from crying.
pugsnbourbon
Well my day is shot.
National Network of Abortion Funds: https://secure.actblue.com/donate/supportabortionfunds?refcode=nnafwebsite
PlanC Pills: https://www.plancpills.org/
https://www.womenonweb.org/en/
Remember that there is no test that can tell if someone’s taken medication for an abortion. If you have complications and need to go to the hospital the treatment is exactly the same as a miscarriage. If a nurse or doctor tells you it’s important to know they are lying.
Be safe and watch out for each other.
Jhc
Thanks for the info. Just donated.
Anon
Anyone have a list of the states you don’t want to visit in case you need treatment? I can’t believe it has come to this.
Anon
+1 I would also like this list.
MagicUnicorn
No words at all.
Anon
This story about the risks of outlawing abortion was horrifying:
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/23/world/europe/malta-abortion-andrea-prudente.html
Anon
I now regret reading Handmaids Tale last week.
Anon
I got through maybe 3 episodes of it and knew it was a little too real, a little too close to home.
Anonymous
DH is watching the show and asked why I didn’t want to watch it with him before he started. “I’ve read the book. I can’t take that right now.”
Anonymous
I am quietly relieved. I support abortion with certain limitations, primarily before 15 weeks or due to the health of mother or baby. I cannot support abortion for any reason at anytime. At some point, we have a moral obligation to a viable fetus. I frequently think about the poster who contemplated abortion because she didn’t like her employer’s paternal leave policy. I continue to be horrified and shaken by this.
The issue we have is how to reduce and eliminate unwanted or unviable pregnancy. Protesting screaming “get your hands out of my uterus “ does nothing to achieve that, and I’ve had enough of it.
If you hate it here so much, please leave. You do realize that many countries have more abortion restrictions than the US?
Anon
Oh please go away. You are 100% wrong.
AIMS
She is wrong because viability was already the standard. But I do want to say that I think people should be able to express their opinions without being told to go away. I am sure worse and far less nuanced things will get said before the day is out.
I also think that refusal to engage in any dialogue is in part how we end up where we are. It’s important not to just discount the moral ambiguity that some people have about later stage abortion if we want to achieve any progress on this issue regardless of how we may personally feel about it.
Anonymous
Go away. Satan doesn’t need your help
Anon
I agree with AIMS. Closing off and putting your foot down does nothing but close you off from everyone else. We don’t make progress alone.
I disagree with the poster. I don’t think overturning Roe is this way helps make the progress she’s looking for. But I cannot engage with her, learn from her, and share my thoughts with her, if she goes away.
Anon
The refusal to engage in dialogue. That’s rich. That’s this whole fucking community if you’re not conservative.
Anonymous
Anyone that disagrees with you is 100% wrong? Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who if she had simply freaking retired we’d not be here now, also said that Roe v. Wade was poorly written and problematic.
If you fail to consider that the majority of the country wants Roe v. Wade with restrictions, that’s your issue. The majority won today.
Anon
The majority did not win! The majority of Americans want some form of legal abortion and about half the states are going to enact a complete ban immediately. How is that the majority winning!?
AIMS
I would also hard disagree with that unless your definition of “Roe with restrictions” is having to fly to NY for an abortion.
anon
I do agree with your point about RBG. I was never a huge fan of hers after I read how she rejected Obama’s polite inqiuries about retiring when Dems had control of the Senate, and that certainly came to pass after she died a few months before the election.
Anon
This. Also, don’t support abortion, then don’t have one. But step off of everyone else’s rights.
Anonymous
Well one way to reduce and eliminate unwanted and unviable pregnancy is contraception, and Thomas’s concurrence invited people to please bring a lawsuit to let him overturn that right, too. (Griswold)
AIMS
I mean why didn’t you leave?
And how can you support abortion before 15 weeks and be relieved about this??!!
Also – this is such a BS debate that it’s either no restrictions until actual childbirth or all restrictions are on the table. No one has ever gotten an abortion in the delivery room, contrary to what Fox News would have you think.
Also also – that poster came back and said she was never actually contemplating abortion.
Anonymous
Serious question, do you think this is what we had before Dobbs? Abortion for any reason at anytime? Because this perspective makes you look both technically incorrect and delusional.
Anon
But you realize this does not protect abortion before 15 weeks, right? States can ban abortions at 6 weeks, which is before many women even know they’re pregnant. Women are going to die as a direct result of this decision. Some of them will be women carrying very wanted babies that implanted in the wrong location. If you believe a woman’s life is worth more than a fetus’s life, you should be outraged. (And I am personally opposed to abortion and would not have one, fwiw.)
pugsnbourbon
Yep, and women die in those countries as a result: https://abcnews.go.com/International/us-woman-vacation-malta-denied-lifesaving-abortion/story?id=85594901
Or they end up in prison for decades for miscarriages. https://theconversation.com/in-latin-america-not-only-abortions-but-miscarriages-can-lead-to-jail-time-173719
Do you understand that this doesn’t stop at 15 weeks? Do you understand that there will be total bans on ANY procedure that terminates a pregnancy, that we will lose exceptions for the life of the mother? Pregnant and diagnosed with cancer? Tough titty, you gotta pop that kid out before you get chemo. Do you understand how bad our maternal mortality rate is? Do you understand that access to contraception is next?
anonshmanon
But why is it that you can’t support abortion outside of certain exceptions? Is it because you subscribe to the belief that a fetus is a person? This belief is rooted in certain Christian religious ideas (certainly not supported by all parts of Christianity or the Bible). It is not based in science and it is not shared by other worldviews.
This is about a minority pushing your religious views on others, please don’t pretend this is in the spirit of the constitution.
Anon
I totally think this violates the establishment clause of the first amendment. The idea that a fetus is a person separate from its mother is a uniquely Christian perspective.
Anon
+1
Anon
LOLOLOL. It’s an embryology textbook perspective.
Anon
I do not believe there are legitimate medical and scientific texts that describe embryos as persons. And if you think they are people, doesn’t that mean IVF results in lots of murder? People who do IVF are under no obligation to donate unused embryos.
Anonymous
Oh I’m sure IVF will be done soon
Anon
Exactly what kind of beliefs about personhood are “based in science”?
I would argue that science has established that every fetus is both human and alive.
Whether we grant various kinds of legal rights to every human life doesn’t seem like a scientific question (I think there are very good reasons not to grant legal rights through the body of a legal citizen, but they’re not scientific reasons).
anonshmanon
I agree that all of these are mainly philosophical questions. Science merely has a consensus on when a fetus is viable, i.e. can survive outside of the womb. By what must be coincidence, that viability threshold was where most states already had drawn the line for elective abortions before today’s ruling.
‘Life begins at conception’ is philosophy, not science. All I ask is that other’s don’t push their worldview down my throat.
Nesprin
I mean a tumor is 100% human and alive and theoretically could exist outside the person where it grew (im a cancer researcher, i keep tumors alive all the time). How is a tumor different than an ectopic pregnancy? For that matter, pregnancy is about as deadly as in situ tumors: why should we require women to go through that who don’t want to?
Girlonawireless
Privilege and ignorance are bliss!
anon
Well, in my state and many others, anyone who performs an abortion after a fetal heartbeat is detected is going to be subject to a felony offense (the end of their medical career), 1-10 years in jail, and a fine up to $100,000. No exception for rape or incest. No exception for a non-viable pregnancy. There is an exception for a mother’s life being “in danger,” but I’m guessing that few providers are going to take a risk outside of extremely clear cases like ectopic pregnancies.
Women are going to die.
I and several family members are considering leaving the state. As for leaving the country, it’d be nice. But (a) I also want to live near family, and (b) I am a lawyer specializing in a specific area of US regulatory law, so my skills are not exactly transferrable. But, sure, I should be fine giving up my family and career so that I can move to another country where my ability to make decisions about my body is respected.
Anon
It really isn’t that easy to “just leave.” If I could go back in time to college, I’d do everything in my power to move abroad afterwards. But now I have a job and a spouse with a job and our jobs aren’t really portable to other countries. One or both of us would probably have to change careers, possibly involving go back to school. That’s a lot to do just for the *possibility* of moving abroad. Plus I have elderly parents I’m the primary caregiver for who would really struggle being in an unfamiliar place. Most of my friends have similar family and career constraints.
Anon
Yes, this. If it was even slightly easier to move abroad, I’d be on a plane now. If anyone has any real tips though on how to do this, I’m all ears. Lawyer licensed in one state, so not exactly the most portable career here!
Anon
Co-sign completely. We had an opportunity to leave the country for a job offer my husband received back in 2005. But I was trying to get pregnant and didn’t feel like I wanted to be separated from my family once I had a baby. I really wish I could go back in time and revisit that decision and that we could have left when we had the chance. After our son graduated from high school, we’ll be trying to leave as soon as we can.
Aunt Jamesina
Heck, my husband is a citizen of an EU country, so in theory we could “just leave”, but that would entail leaving all of my family and friends and most of my husband’s family (aside from a few family members from his father’s side, most of whom live in a small town we would never be able to find employment in). I would also have to redo my graduate program since my credentials aren’t recognized overseas.
I’ve lived in Europe before so it feels like less of an unknown to me to do that than it probably does for most Americans, but acting like you can “just leave” ignores a lot of factors, both practical and personal, that keep people rooted to where they are.
Amy
What countries?
AIMS
There is broader access earlier and some greater restrictions than we used to have (sigh) in *some* European countries. For example, in France and Spain, you can have an abortion for any reason up to 14 weeks. Sweden allows it until 18 weeks for any reason. NL up to 24. I think only Malta and Poland have significant restrictions. I believe almost all countries (not sure about the last two) allow it later if mother’s health is at risk.
The chief difference, of course, is it’s much easier to get it early. For example, in France you can get medication abortion thru the 7th week by telemedicine.
Personally, this strikes me as a much more sensible approach than what we do in the US (as with guns, internet privacy, food regulations and so much else). But it has lately become a talking point among some of the chattering class that we shouldn’t complain at all because “even super liberal Europe has more restrictions.”
Annnnnooon
In my country abortion is absolutely free up to 12 weeks. After that time the abortion wish has to be granted by a board of professionals. It can be granted because of medical reasons but also psychological or social economic reasons.
Anonymous
Think you might be referring to Norway, Annnnnooon? Thought it might be added that “the board” is a conversation with two doctors, one of which has to be female and one of which has to perform abortions regularly. In a year, I think at most one or two people are ever refused, in the whole country (and they can appeal).
roxie
you’re shaken by that? wow get some resilience. Wait til you hear what happens to unwanted kids raised by angry, resentful parents.
Woof
Many countries have more abortion restrictions than the USA, but many have more liberal laws as well. And, in the developed world, we are unique in limiting abortions this strictly. And unique in our lack of support for women and children–maternity leave, paternity leave, childcare, health insurance, etc. Many people who are pro-choice also set a limit at 15 weeks, plus or minus a few weeks. After a rape? incest? a baby who will not survive? These are cruel policies.
Anonymous
I think your point about the lack of support for women and children is key. Altogether, a country will show it’s character in the whole package concerning women’s health and rights.
Anonymous
No western democracies have laws more restrictive. Those that recently did have changed them because women died – see Ireland.
Did you know other countries don’t allow women to drive? Not a reason for us to ban that.
Nesprin
I have to ask: is our moral obligation to a fetus greater than our moral obligation to a living, breathing woman?
Anon
Absolutely not.
Anonymous
After Roe has been overturned, some Republican-controlled states have immediately begun criminalizing physicians who perform abortions — I don’t see reason to be relieved when anyone who performs an abortion would face a five to fifteen year jail sentence in Missouri barring medical emergencies, and other states are on the verge of passing similar laws.
GOP lawmakers are planning to go after same-sex marriage and contraceptive measures (some sources claim banning IVF may be in the cards as well).
I see a dark future ahead of us.
Anonymous
If you believe in God, then whatever punishment is true and just will be visited upon these women in the afterlife.
But you clearly don’t believe in God, because you don’t trust him to do the job he has said he will do. Being anti-abortion for other people and claiming to believe in God is a declaration that your God is a liar or a failure.
Anon
Whelp, now I’m extra glad I “did the thing” yesterday, the thing being getting on the calendar for a hysterectomy in coming weeks.
anon
Same here. Hysterectomy scheduled for the end of July. Can’t wait. But I’m terrified what this means for my daughter someday.
Anon
I’m getting my tubes removed! Got it on the calendar a couple of weeks ago for early July. Just hoping my state legislature doesn’t get together real quick and ban that.
Anonymous
Menopause has never looked so good.
Anon
And Thomas wants to get rid of gay marriage and contraception too. I can’t believe this is happening in 2022
Anon
I actually hope they go after that stuff, it will lead to a massive blue wave. The country’s pretty divided on abortion but gay marriage and contraception are both extremely popular.
AIMS
IVF too.
Anon
I keep hearing about if the Republicans are just bad enough, it will lead to a massive blue wave.
Meanwhile my blue city has been gerrymandered out of existence, split up in massive districts between neighboring red counties.
Anon
Right exactly. Also. Children being murdered in school for, what? decades? hasn’t led to this wave.
Anonymous
If I recall recent statistics correctly abortion is not as divisive as some media tend to portray; around 60% of Americans support it, but some Christians and older people make it seem like it’s hugely divisive.
Anon
Will he push to roll back inter-racial marriages? Oh wait.
Anon
He doesn’t care. He already has his.
ELS
So? If it’s not constitutionally protected, then states and the federal government can stop recognizing it.
Anon
It’s crazy to me that if my actual living breathing child were dying and my kidney could save her with 100% certainty, I’m under no legal obligation to donate. I can just let her die. An actual human child! But I’m obligated to carry a fetus – which has never breathed or spoken or lived outside my body – even though it could kill me. This isn’t about saving babies. It’s about punishing women. If we actually cared about babies and children we would have so many other policies in place to support families. And I’m someone who wishes abortion were rarer – but the way we do that is handing out birth control like candy and making sure everyone has comprehensive sex ed, not banning a life-saving medical procedure.
anon
You are obliged to carry an EMBRYO, even.
Anon
This is about creating a market of healthy white infants to satisfy the demand of evangelicals who want to adopt. Barrett already said that, let’s actually believe her.
Anon
Evangelicals love adopting Black kids and kids from third world countries though. Feeds into their white savior complex.
anon
Only because they dont have other options, be honest about that.
Anon
I don’t know. Based on the evangelicals I know who’ve adopted inter-racially or from foreign countries, I think the white savior part is a feature not a bug. There are white kids in foster care in the US so it’s not like they didn’t have any option for a white kid. Not newborns, but foreign adoptions usually aren’t newborns either.
Nesprin
Sorry, which evangelicals? Most pro life folks im sorry enough to know don’t adopt.
Cat
This just prompted me to Do The Thing and make an appointment for a long-overdue GYN appointment. Based on the hour long wait time to speak to a receptionist, I don’t think I’m the only one calling today.
Anon
There are going to be women who have miscarriages who will be accused of having an abortion. It’s going to happen. There will be bleeding women who won’t feel safe going to the ER for fear of being accused. There will be doctors who won’t feel safe treating a woman with a non-viable pregnancy or who is having a miscarriage for fear of being accused of performing abortions.
This is so much more than teenage pregnancy. For those who haven’t yet been pregnant, just know it could be you. I very much wanted all of my pregnancies and dealt with miscarriages and bleeding. It happens and is already scary. You don’t want to be afraid of what you say to your doctor or colleagues or family or friends. You don’t want to be questioned.
pugsnbourbon
Exactly. Every miscarriage is now a potential crime scene. And you know this is going to come down harder on BIPOC, undocumented, houseless, queer and disabled folks.
Anon
I had so many miscarriages of wanted children, followed by D&C to preserve my fertility. I’d probably be behind bars now, I’m guessing. Mainly for punching whatever cop had the nerve to investigate.
Anon
I’m still mad Obama didn’t get to appoint a Justice. And Thomas and his wife are despicable
HFB
Just got a new house and doing some upgrades! Looking for recs on ceiling fans and also good quality rugs (ideally vintage/wool).
First, for ceiling fans- does anyone have a Minka and do you recommend or not? any other tips on choosing a ceiling fan- we care about both aesthetics and efficiency. We would probably get one with a small light built in. What factors should I think about in choosing one, whether minka or otherwise?
Rugs- I love the look of oriental/turkish/persian rugs and would like to buy some authentic ones but want to know I am buying from an ethical and authentic source. Thoughts on this?
Finally, stair runner rugs- I want one because it should prevent the stair risers from getting scuffed, but are there any pros/cons I am not thinking of?
Thanks everyone for any thoughts or advice!
Cat
We purchased several Minkas for our house after seeing friends’ good experience with theirs. So far we are very happy. The Simple style just kind of disappears into the ceiling. (We did not want our fans to be a design feature.)
Choose a DC motor if you want them super quiet – you can barely hear ours are on.
Cat
No advice on the rugs but for the stair runner – YMMV but I find them to be more slippery than just wood treads. Also, the sun will fade only the exposed part of the stairs, so if you ever want to get rid of it you would need to refinish.
If you go barefoot at home, or have house-only shoes like moccasin slippers, I’d just keep the bare wood.
Veronica Mars
For rugs, I think anything actually vintage / secondhand is definitely the most eco friendly option. I like rugsource on ebay, and there are a number of vintage dealers on ebay, etsy, etc with good options. If you want to buy direct from artisans, the Anou is the best for authentic Moroccan berber rugs directly from the weavers who make them. I ordered one from them a number of years ago and it was very difficult to get everything ordered (the website is super hard to navigate and shipping took a while) the rug itself is gorgeous (it sheds like a small animal though, beware). A boucherite rug would be shed-free.
ALT
No input about ceiling fans here (I bought ones from Home Depot that weren’t fugly and moved on with my life) but I have opinions about rugs! I follow KyorederOfRugs on Instagram and she always has beautiful rugs for sale that are vintage. Her parents are in the rug business (I think?) but she’s from the Middle East so hers are definitely authentic. I would also recommend going to antique stores, they always have nice ones that aren’t absurdly expensive.
InHouse Anon
For vintage, authentic rugs, I like Rug Source (rugsource . com). I think I learned about it on this s i t e! There’s a physical store in Charlotte if you’re nearby, but I’ve only ordered online and have been very happy with the quality and customer service.
Ses
We have a Minka wave with integrated light and find it silent and effective. I really like the kona wood finish – looks stylish but natural, and the light is good.
Shelle
What is the best way to stay out of direct sunlight at the beach when you’re unable to pack an umbrella or tent? Every year I fly to the beach and stay at a rental house with access to a private beach. I can’t pack anything large in my suitcase and the beach doesn’t rent equipment although the house usually has a few beach chairs. I guess I could buy an umbrella in town each year and leave it there, and if it’s still there the next year that’s great? Is it crazy to pack a small umbrella that clips onto a chair? Or is my best solution a wide brimmed hat and coverup? Appreciate any tips and recommendations.
Cat
We’ve actually asked rentals if they have beach umbrellas and gotten a $50 discount to ship a Tommy Bahama one to their house and leave it there.
If that doesn’t appeal, look into Neso tents, which pack up into a small duffle, or perhaps Shibumi shades (not sure how small the parts get) if the beach has a prevailing wind that it will work with.
Anon
I personally think it would be worth it to either have an umbrella shipped to the rental or to buy one there. I am extremely pale though, and have to have lots of shade while out on the beach, because no amount of sunscreen is ever enough! At the very least, it is definitely not crazy to pack a chair clip umbrella!
Anonymous
Buy an umbrella.
Anonymous
You’re in that classic scenario where you have a lot of options, but none of them are the ideal one, so you’re stuck making the best decision among the second-tier options. All that to say: everything you suggested sounds like a good and possible plan. I’d buy the umbrella or canopy and leave it at the house and see what happens.
Anon
Honestly the best thing to do is go inside or to a very shaded area from 10-2 (or 11-3 if you’re a place with solar noon closer to 1 pm). You can still get plenty of time on the beach in the morning and late afternoon.
Deedee
I have a small but mighty beach tent (Coleman brand) —it sits like a little shell/cave on the ground, so you can’t stand in it but you can sit in it easily, it can zip close for changing, and it has an overhang for extra shade. I’m certain would fit in a normal size suitcase if you were willing to check a bag. It’s probably 5x5x30 all packed down. If you took it out of its carrying tube, you could definitely fit the component parts into a carryon. Sorry I don’t have a link, I think it I got it at Bennys. (shout out to the Rhode Islanders who know what I’m talking about!).
Pompom
BENNYS!!!! Omg. Thank you for this.
Bike Sale (always!)! 3 for 99cents candy! Tire Sale (also always)! Buying your fishing rod in the next aisle over from your trimline phone, 10 feet from your mulch? Priceless.
Notagirl
Wow, is Bennys your “Canadian Tire”?! I thought that was a uniquely local curiosity but I guess it’s a North-American thing then :)
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, I think your best option is to buy something while you’re there. I will say that the little clip-on umbrellas are great, but they might not give you full coverage.
Anonymous
Look at the Sun Ninja Beach Tent, which appears to pack down to 21″ .
Anon
I would buy the umbrella and leave it there. Jr would be worth it to have sun protection on my trip. If you look at how much you’re spending on airfare and the rental, an umbrella is a drop in the bucket.
Anonymous
I have a beach tent that folds down and is the size of a rolled up towel. It would fit in a carry-on bag. It is kind of a pain to set up (it isn’t a pop-up tent), but it is sooo worth it to me to have a nice place in the shade. I love the beach but get burned badly even with sunscreen and sun-blocking clothing. I just set up my tent and can stay all day.
Celia
What about a rash guard or other SPF shirt and a pretty and light skirt? You don’t have to keep them all the whole time, but maybe limit your full Sun exposure to 15 minutes here and there. REI and Athleta have some cute ones!
Anonymous
Buy a Shibumi and carry it with you. We took ours on the plane to Hawaii and were so happy to have our own source of shade at all times. It fit in a duffel bag and we checked it.
Anon
People who meditate– what time of day do you usually meditate? And where? I am trying to build a meditation habit but I have trouble figuring out what time of day works best for me to stay consistent. I’ve tried before bed but I tend to just fall asleep or skip it out of laziness.
Anon
When I can be consistent with it, I find the mornings are best. I absolutely cannot meditate lying down or at the end of the day because I fall asleep. However, if I’ve been having trouble sleeping, a nighttime meditation is sure to take care of that.
Cb
I do a long yoga nidra session (live, on Zoom) 1-2x a week and count this as my meditation practice. I don’t think falling asleep while meditating is the worst thing in the world? It’s clearly helping you relax.
Anonymous
I like to do it either before or after lunch.
Anonymous
I am best if I do it in the morning. Right now I mediate on my patio which feels very zen like. In cooler months I do it in my living room. If I remember I try to do a shorter meditation before going to bed after doing yoga.
Davis
I do my meditation in the morning. For a while I tried it sitting in a chair in a room I don’t usually use that often and before my coffee, but I was feeling sleepy and not focused. Now I have my coffee and wake up for a bit on my couch and then do my meditation about 30 minutes after I wake up, but before email and such. I agree with the poster above that nighttime and lying down doesn’t work for me unless I need to fall asleep.
A.
I’ve been struggling with a time management issue and would love to tap this wisdom of this group.
Context: I have the type of job that is never “done” — I can always do more. I manage a team of 9, serve in a leadership role in my organization, and report directly to the CEO. I am often in meetings during the workday because my org values face-to-face interaction, and this can leave little room for actual completion of tasks (or, heaven forbid, white space within which to think/strategize). These meetings also typically have follow-ups, which takes time. Other notes that might be helpful: I keep a paper planner but my calendar lives in Google, and I am a fastidious list-maker.
Sometime this spring I started to realize that work tasks are regularly bleeding through into my evenings, so I have to log back in on the regular. I’m used to this happening from time to time during especially busy periods, but it’s absolutely constant now.
There’s been a lot of flux on my team since Easter (folks moving to new roles, hiring to fill vacancies, and an extended health leave for a key player) which has also contributed to this, but ultimately I know most of it is my own doing. I would love to better protect my evenings and only log back in or work late when it’s truly necessary. What works for you?
Anon
Delegation. If someone on my team can do the thing, they do the thing. That allows me to do the things they can’t and actually do my job. At your level, your actual task list should be small.
Anonymous
If “most of it is my own doing,” then the power to stop it also is with you. What would happen if you’d simply stop logging back in or working late when it’s not a true emergency? True, you’d get less done. But what else would happen?
AnonQ
Two things:
1. I am ruthless about prioritization. I make a list of 2-3 things that must get done each day and don’t worry about the “would be nice to get done” stuff, which at one time I would have logged back in to handle. Over time, this made me realize that some stuff really never needed to be on my list at all.
2. I block and protect calendar time for my high priority tasks and try to avoid back to back meetings. If a meeting is scheduled for 60 minutes, I block out the 30 mins after it to handle follow up work rather than jumping on another call.
Combining these 2 steps has really helped me maintain control and avoid my workaholic tendencies.
anon
No advice, just commiseration. My team is split between those who work from 7 – 10 before the meetings start and those who work from 5 – 8 after the meetings end to do the follow up from the day full of meetings. We have twice the projects we did before COVID, and it’s not sustainable. I honestly don’t know how to get the workload back under control because once they start, the projects are semi-permanent.
Anon
Block time for working on actual work, preferably in the morning. It’s hard to clear a whole day or wait for “white space” to appear, but if you’re not available for an hour a couple days a week, the world doesn’t crash. I also like to work for two hours on a Sunday afternoon. I’m fresh from the weekend, I get ahead of the week and I don’t feel like it’s a huge sacrifice. I would also always choose to work before work hours, even early in the morning than in the evening. But just overall, you’re going to have to gain comfort in letting people or yourself down and recognize that saying “Yes” to something is saying “no” to others and that’s hard for high achievers to do. Set your own goals and boundaries of what is “enough” and live within that. The CEO will always be happy to take more of your time.
anon4this
To those of you who know you are attractive or not, how do you know that you actually are/are not? I have been married with kids for a long time so honestly have no clue. I fit all the check the box conventionally pretty items (long blonde hair, in great shape, etc) and my face is ok but probably not great, but it’s not like I spend a lot of time staring at myself or dating to know.
Anon
I’m an or-not, based on consistent comments from others growing up that have continued to this day.
Anon
Before COVID, when I used to get dressed up and go into the office, I used to get told often. By Uber drivers, random people, colleagues. I was told by a former boss that I was their secret weapon for networking at a conference because of my looks.
I think also I just tended to get a lot of male interest / asked out on dates often by people in my social circle. I felt like I had the ability to get anyone to ask me or just by flirting or looking at them.
Now none of that is true since I don’t dress up and don’t go anywhere new, so I guess it boils down more to just looking at myself in the mirror and deciding or not. I think most of the time I’m probably pretty average looking, but when I dress up I still consider myself attractive. I get stared at at the gym / when my boyfriend’s friends met me they all remarked how out of his league I was and too hot for him. It’s honestly been such a relief though to not think about it. I used to put So much stock in what people thought of my appearance and would have been so upset if someone didn’t think I was pretty. It’s a relief to be average looking and just a… person….
Anon
If you don’t know, I’d say you’re average. It’s usually pretty obvious to people who are much more or less attractive than average because they’re treated quite differently.
Anonymous
If you check the boxes for being conventionally pretty, you are conventionally pretty. If you weren’t, you’d know.
Anon
I think the better question is – why do you care?
I like the way I look. My husband likes the way I look. Good enough for me.
Anon
Same. Also, you should be aware that things have probably come easier to you – dating, job offers, promotions, etc. not saying you’re aren’t qualified but there’s absolutely an attractive bias.
Anonymous
I know I am “attractive” because I get a lot of attention. I am aware that others consider me beautiful or striking in appearance (though not necessarily”pretty” or conventionally “pretty”) because people tell me so and because of the way strangers react to me on sight (e.g., taking a second look when they see me doing something like paying for groceries). I also don’t find that this necessarily translates into people wanting to have meaningful relationships with me so its value is limited unless I take some action to address other aspects of my life and work to capitalize on it to that end.
Anon
I guess I don’t know? I can imagine some people finding me attractive and other people not. (Standards of attractiveness vary wildly in different times and cultures, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, etc.) I’m not sure my opinions of other people’s attractiveness line up particularly well with current conventions.
But as for conventional attractiveness, I answered “above average” in that other thread because I check more of the boxes than most the people around me… usually only a few people around me check more… so I encounter fewer people who seem more conventionally attractive than people who seem less so.
And I guess this means I’d be below average in a place with more pretty people! (What was the 30 Rock Joke… a Cleveland 8 and a Miami 6? 30 Rock had a lot of more or less sociopathic jokes along these lines.)
Anon
Yeah I live in one of the most obese states in America and feel like I’m very attractive simply by virtue of being fit and slender. But in NYC/Miami/LA I would not be anything special, most women there are probably skinnier than me and my face isn’t particularly attractive.
anon
Definitely not the only sign, but when I am dining alone at a restaurant or coffee shop and find out the food, dessert, or drinks have been paid for or are free, I assume it is due to my appearance.
anon
This is wild. It has literally never happened to me.
Anon
This has never happened to me either and I’m conventionally attractive. I think this probably has more to do with facial expression and demeanor? I have resting b1tch face and give off “don’t-touch-me” vibes. I’m the only woman I know who never had anyone ask to touch my belly when I was pregnant.
anon
It’s possible. I’ve been told I give off certain, um, vibes that I’m very serious and not to be messed with.
Anon
Yeah I didn’t know this was a thing that happens in real life!!
Anon
After spending the first 24 years of my life convinced that I was the Hunchback of Notre Dame in looks, free therapy in law school made me realize that actually, I am an attractive person. At almost 40, I can say I am attractive. I have nice features and a good sense of style, plus I know how to do makeup well enough.
Am I like, a showstopper where people look at me twice and I get advantages from my looks? Absolutely not. I also didn’t benefit from having conventional attractiveness as OP – I was made fun of and told regularly by peers as a child that I was ugly because my hair/features are darker.
My friend’s sister comes to mind – she’s stunning – and has absolutely been able to parlay her looks into a low-responsibility, insta-version of a life. It reminds me a bit of 30 Rock/Jon Hamm not realizing he was bad at certain things because he was so good looking ;)
anon
I consider myself very average because I don’t get many comments on my appearance, one way or another. Like I don’t think I’ve ever been told I’m pretty. I will get compliments on how I’ve styled my hair or the clothes I’m wearing. But I don’t get complimented directly about having a pretty or beautiful face. I don’t check a lot of boxes for conventional prettiness and don’t have a bangin’ bod, but I also know that I can clean up well when I make the effort? That’s not the same as being genetically gifted with beauty. I compare myself to my sisters, who are often told they’re pretty or beautiful. And they are! They are better looking than I am. I have never received those same types of compliments.
Amy
Do men ogle you when you walk by? Do you get honked at by passing cars randomly? Those are pretty good indicators when you’re not actually on the market.
Anon
This is more geography-related than anything else, I think. In big cities like NYC, pretty much all women get catcalled on the street. In my Midwest suburb it literally never happens even to my friend who looks like Kendall Jenner.
Anon
+1 I could be wrong but I don’t think this is something that happens on the reg (at least the car honking) in SF.
Anon
(Which I realize is also a big city, more agreeing to the geography-dependent observation).
Anon
Men will look you up and down in SF but I haven’t experienced horn honking here. Pre pandemic I could tell how good I was looking on a particular day by how many looks I’d get walking along the sidewalk downtown
Anon
I don’t know, I got those thing but don’t think I’m overly attractive. Or at a very minimum , it depend on the group. I’m overweight, so in my highly educated mostly white (sad but true) professional circles, I think I’m below average. But I get lots of cat calls and attention from black and Hispanic men on street corners (again, sad but true) in my mixed-income neighborhood.
kitten
I grew up with low self esteem and was also a very late bloomer. This is probably kind of toxic but I realized I must be somewhat attractive when I looked back and saw that all of my past boyfriends were incredibly hot
Anon
I’ve just always given a lot of external validation of my appearance. I got casual modeling gigs from the time I was a kid, and was fairly successful as an influencer/content creator for a long time. That being said, knowing I’m attractive doesn’t mean I always feel good about my appearance, and I had a severe eating disorder as a teen.
NW Islander
Because other people have told me, men and women.
Because I like how I look in the mirror. There are things I’d change but oh well (e.g. a smaller nose).
Because a teenage kid mistook me for a cheerleader for the local NFL team and asked me to sign his hat. I was 38 years old when this happened.
Because I am in better shape than I was in high school, and can still wear my freshman year (1995) cheerleader outfit.
Because I can get away with a “beauty routine” of 5-7 minutes each morning, and still look presentable at 40. I don’t know much about makeup and it doesn’t matter. Ditto hair. Wash and wear.
beauty
I am very average looking. I know this because no one ever tells me I am attractive, or flirts with me and no one has ever asked me out randomly . People also do not remember me or my name, despite my work ethic/success/great CV/confidence etc.. I just do not have a beautiful, memorable appearance.
Oddly, my roommates have often been very attractive, so it is very clear to me the differences in how the world and men treat them. Just so different.
But I had one very interesting, and contrasting experience. For a year during my 20’s, I was working on a project that sent me frequently to live and work at a research laboratory that was nestled in an isolated location. It was literally in the middle of no where, and I essentially was living in the woods on the grounds of the research institute. The only people I saw and interacted with were the other scientists there. I suddenly became the mysterious (dare I say…. attractive?) new woman. Who is she? Where did she come from? And I got more male attention than I ever had in my life. Granted, it was from mostly brilliant but awkward, dysfunctional scientists who mostly creeped me out with mostly inappropriate and sometimes stalker-like behavior. The only person who ever just talked with me normally, flirted in a friendly way and asked me to have lunch with him was one of the maintenance workers. He was the most beautiful and attractive man I have ever seen. To this day I regret not sleeping with him.
Anonymous
What are your thoughts on how the lack of abortion will change personal choices? Will teenagers (or daters) wait longer? Will an*l s*x become more common? (I remember that one being a favorite of Very Christian girls at my college in the early 90s because, you know, they were still virgins and it couldn’t get them pregnant.)
I’m married now w/ 3 kids and renewing my efforts to talk my DH into a vasectomy. But nothing is fullproof and there is no way on this earth I’m having another baby.
Anon
Women will still have sex and get pregnant. Only now more of them will die, more children will end up abused in the foster system, etc. Just devastating.
Anon
Yeah I think this won’t really change behavior, more women and girls will just die.
Anon
+1 that’s all it’s going to change and in fact js all it has ever changed
Anon
I think it’s sea changing. I am comfortable now being a married, boring lady because I was able to have a wild past. My heart breaks for the generations that won’t have that luxury and will need to make conservative choices.
Anonymous
I cannot believe this decision and how the judges refuse any right of the woman in her own decisions. I’m hurting right now.
Anon
I think geography will make more of an impact now. I have SIL who has thought about moving from a Red state back to home, Blue state. I think I’ll be helping my in-laws nudge that idea more. She’s been having some fertility issues and now I’m really concerned for her.
I also think depending on where we’re at 16 years from now, I be very hesitant to let my daughter live in a Red or swing state ever.
Nina
I saw a tweet about states where abortions are now illegal and my first thought was “list of states not to go to”
Anon
This could be my own crap, but I live in a red state/blue city, but I think this (“ew red states”) is a super limiting view. I say this and also acknowledge that my state’s leadership is the worst and very embarrassing. Knowing how bad the state politics are, I settled here because it was the right thing for our family unit for other reasons – more community/extended family being a major part of it.
However, people need safe, legal abortion access everywhere, not just in blue states (many of which can turn purple or red on a dime), and the whole attitude of “red states get what they deserve” is just exhausting and adds salt on a wound.
Nina
I mean its really simple – I don’t want to live in a state where I don’t have safe access to abortions.
I’m not saying ew red states. And of course I hope that things will change there so that everyone has access to abortions.
The post was about how will this change your personal actions. Before, I wouldn’t really have thought about politics that much when choosing where to live but now that it is affecting what rights I would have I will. For example, even though a lot of my friends have taken tech start up jobs in Austin and are having a great time, I now would not.
Anon
+1 million from a blue city in a red state. This “ew red states” attitude is very gross.
Also we’d be stuck with Republican presidents forever if everyone liberal fled the purple and red states so it seems kind of ironic to bash us when you desperately need us.
Anon
I get that but also — I’m of reproductive age and s-ally active, so having an ectopic pregnancy — which cannot wait a day or 3 for me to get to another state for treatment — could be fatal. I know several women who had them, including a relative, including those who were not TTC and thought they had appendicitis, who would be dead today if not for prompt medical treatment. Even though it’s a very small chance… honestly there’s enough stuff to see and to do in states without restrictive abortion laws that I don’t feel the need to travel to the “red states” and take that small chance.
Anon
I made the comment above about SIL and daughter. I grew up in a red state and can understand how comments like I made can add salt to a wound about what is otherwise a great place to live.
But to keep it simple, reproductive rights will now impact my thoughts on where I live and invest. I’ve already started talking to my husband about selling land we own in a red state to re-invest in a blue state. It’s not worth it to me to support a place that limits female rights if I have alternative options.
Anonymous
It’s not super limiting to refuse to live in a state where you can’t get healthcare you need
anonshmanon
Yes, I think this is your thing to deal with. The whole point about overturning Roe is that red state voters don’t want the majority of people living in the country to restrict how they regulate abortion. States’ rights. If you don’t like it, you can leave. Yes, thank you, I don’t like it and I plan on not visiting.
Without snark, I am glad you have found a nice corner to live, and I also don’t wish anything bad on more rural residents. You do you. That’s the most generous sentiment I can muster today for red states. I don’t know that I have an obligation for more.
I will just stick to other parts of the world and will use what little influence I have to make them safe.
anonymous
I’ll say “ew red states.” I’m not traveling to anywhere in the South or Midwest again unless I absolutely have to. And am also telling my son not to apply to college in any red state. I hope the South will secede again and this time, we should just let them go.
Anon
Uh you know the Midwest has one of the bluest states in the whole country, right?
Anon
The only state that has been blue in every presidential election since the 50s, if I’m not mistaken! Minnesota is our own little blue island. Much prouder to be a Minnesotan than an American.
pugsnbourbon
Remember that red states aren’t necessarily the most conservative, but they are usually the most gerrymandered and restrictive w/r/t voting. Georgia went blue in 2020 after all.
AnonTX
+1 to Texas – we’re not a red state, we’re a gerrymandered state. I think it’d be more purple if this was ever fixed.
Anon
When was the last time that a democrat won state-wide office in Texas? It’s been a very long time right, because at the end of the day it’s a red state
There might be more democrats in the house and the state legislature without gerrymandering, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a crap can’t win statewide and Texas
AnonTX
Soft disagree. Georgia wasn’t that different in their recent gubernatorial history vs. Texas, and we have more large blue-leaning cities. I think there are a lot of people that throw their hands up in the air and don’t vote that would typically lean D.
It would also would change also our congressional presence (house).
anonshmanon
I don’t really know much about Texas at all, but didn’t Beto get 48% when he ran for Senate? He still lost, but seems like there is a pretty strong democratic voter base there?
Anon
My daughter just graduated from college and turned down a job offer in Florida (she did not apply; someone who knew her through their university reached out) because of this issue.
My home town is in a state where abortion is already practically impossible because there are no providers (and for minors parental consent is required) and has a ridiculously high teen pregnancy rate because in additional to being anti-abortion, they are also anti-s*x education so I do not really think this is going to change behavior.
Anon
Weirdly, Florida has abortion access enshrined in its constitution, which I’m sure DeSantis will be working at finding a way around. Take it from this Floridian, he is trying to package himself as a more palatable alternative to Trump for 2024, but he is not. He is a ghoul.
Anon
Correction, the right to privacy is enshrined in the state’s constitution, but not specifically abortion. Specifically, “Every natural person has the right to be let alone and free from governmental intrusion into the person’s private life”.
Auburn
Ironically, I think this is part of the republican playbook as well. It will push more liberals to blue states, thus keeping red states red and ensuring they continue to have the upper hand with the electoral college.
Anon
Totally.
beauty
+10000
Absolutely.
I wish people would talk about this more.
Anon
Teenagers aren’t typically known for their long-term planning, and do tend to believe they are invincible…doubt anything will change for them. And for middle to upper middle class kids, probably nothing will change if there’s an “accident”, either
Anon
(Or rich kids, obv)
Anon
Yes, this. Lots and lots of people already have babies in less than ideal situations because they didn’t think they’d get pregnant. It’s never been true that abortion was easily available for people living in large parts of the country, minors, or poor people, but it didn’t stop people from having sex.
Anon
So long as contraception is widely available, I don’t think this will have any impact on sexual activity. If Thomas gets his wish and contraception becomes illegal in some states, that may have an impact. But people have been having Premarital sex for centuries, and there’s nothing that’s gonna ever stop it all
ArenKay
Available =/= accessible. Majority of women seeking abortion are low income, I.e. do not have money or insurance for pill, IUD, etc.
Anon
I struggle with the idea that you can be heartbroken over being diagnosed with a non viable pregnancy, get a DNC, and then be accused of having a covert abortion. It will make it harder to have routine care. Physicians will worry about being accused of doing covert abortions on viable pregnancies. Access to basic genealogical care will suffer.
This is so much more than just teenage pregnancies.
anon
Autocorrect fail = gynecologic
Anon
Teenagers are already having less sex than they used to. I think that’s been the trend for a while now.
Anon
Personally, as a currently single blue city/red state dweller, whenever I start dating again ain’t nobody getting in these pants unless we are super super serious. I have zero interest in having a child and since no bc is 100%, to me it’s not worth the risk. That’s just me though. I don’t think this will be the norm.
Anon
Rates of s*xual activity among teens and twentysomethings have been declining for years, so I’m not sure this will have a major impact on that respect.
Personally, I had an unplanned pregnancy and am now raising my adorable son; the likelihood that there will be more women in my situation in my community (red state with a trigger law) only strengthens my commitment to support (through donations, volunteering, and my votes) the services and resources that single mothers and their babies need.
Anon
I can tell you how it would have changed my personal choices. I have two very wanted kids, both in ‘geriatric’ pregnancies when I was 36 and again when I was 42. Given my age / risk of complications when I was finally in a life stage to consider kids, I’m not sure I would have tried if I knew I wouldn’t be able to abort if there were a life-threatening complication for me or an abnormality incompatible with life. You don’t know a lot of that stuff until well into the pregnancy – for old moms like my, you just hold your breath until 16 or 18 weeks, praying that everything will be okay will be okay on that last anatomy scan. You know the only thing that would make that waiting process worse? Finding out at 20 weeks not only that there’s a life-threatening complication, but that you have *no* options to deal with it. You either risk your own life and maybe die, or carry a non-viable pregnancy to term and go through all of the pain and trauma of labor or a c-section without any chance of bringing home a baby.
I’ve never had to actually face considering an abortion, but if I knew it wasn’t an option I don’t think I’d have even tried for pregnancy.
Anonymous
Abortion isn’t used as birth control, so I doubt behavior will change. Unexpected pregnancies are always unexpected, most women who get an abortion already have kids, and so more women will die or suffer infections, and kids will end up without a mother.
Celia
I think people will have sex still; teens will be teen and college kids will be college kids. More teenage and early 20s moms, more kids put up for adoption that the system cannot handle, more people with their futures severely affected including the ability to get the education or financial stability they might have had otherwise to provide for themselves and their families.
ADHD Adult
Recent ADHD diagnosis in early 30s and wow, does everything make sense now. I’m not really hyperactive beyond quiet fidgeting, but the time blindness, executive dysfunction, general chaos in my brain…it’s all there. Anyone else diagnosed as an adult? Any tips or tricks for dealing with basic adult human tasks? I’m good at complicated things. Simple things have always been my downfall. For context, I live alone, no kids, one cat, full-time job, part-time grad school, money-making side hustle, already in therapy, laundry and dishes are the bane of my existence.
Anon
I don’t have ADHD, so not sure how helpful this is, but I set up routines so that I don’t have to think about things like dishes or laundry at all. Laundry always gets done in a certain day, dishes always go in the dishwasher immediately, etc. It’s much harder to let dishes pile up and then have to think about it multiple times a day than it is to just always do them immediately, no thinking involved. Same goes for things like mail- 95% of it just goes straight into the recycling and doesn’t come into the house. I put as much as I can on electronic billing and autopay so I don’t really have to think about that and there’s only a few things I actually have to deal with.
Anonymous
Congratulations on your diagnosis (though not the adhd struggles themselves of course). I felt such a relief when I knew why I always felt broken. I was diagnosed as ADHD inattentive type at 32. (I will say, its such a misnamed disorder when you can have a hyperactivity disorder but without the hyperactive type. Also leads to inattentive types not getting diagnosed properly as children, especially girls)
For me, I try to build systems to get teeny dopamine boosts from all the tasks. In particular, I have a reward system where I give myself points for completing chores and habits (percentage complete/time period, not streaks, streaks are evil). Although I save the points up for special rewards, the main benefit is the daily and weekly recording of points and seeing the numbers rising.
I also get a little boost from my planner and checking off items. I try to only add the next item or two though, so I don’t see a whole list of incomplete stuff at the end of a day.
However, I will say that all my systems work much much better when I am on a low dose of medication.
ADHD Adult
Please tell me more about your point system and how you set it up! Do you have a chart or how do you keep track of this? I’d like to do something similar for myself.
Anonymous
I have a little ledger notebook where I write the date, task or habit or whatever, points for the task, and then the running total. Each month gets a new page, so I have a month target. I get bonus points if I hit the month target.
For me, I can’t track more than a couple of developing habits at a time, but essentially, if I do the habit 4 times in a week, I get 5 points, plus extra points for 5-7 times. If I get above 80% completion in a month, bonus points.
Chores all have assigned points, with bonuses. Laundry is 5pts per load, 5 pts extra if I fold and put away within the same day as washing. Dishes are 1 pt for unloading/reloading the dishwasher/turning it on and 1 extra point for every handwashed item (unless its just like, a single plate because I waited too long to do dishes, then no points). Also points for cleaning the sink, counters, etc.
Anon
You didn’t mention meds, but think carefully before you go the medication route. Since being diagnosed I thought meds would solve all my problems, but they ended up just giving me different problems. Stimulants especially completely messed up my metabolism and compounded some body-image issues I had, in addition to making me an angrier, less social person than I was off them. I’ve been off stimulants for a year and a half and personally I much prefer finding systems to work with my brain rather than relying on meds to get things done.
That said, I know they work great for some people, so who knows how it’ll work for you, but just proceed with caution and take the “meds solved all my problems!” people with a grain of salt.
Anonymous
I agree that meds don’t solve everything. Meds alone just make systems possible I think. However, stimulants aren’t for everyone. I take a daily non-stimulant medication, plus a very low dose stimulant a few days a week.
CPA Lady
In contrast to what the other person above me just said, stimulant medication is massively massively helpful for most people w adhd. It is the single most effective medical treatment for any mental issue currently available.
I was diagnosed at age 37, so I already had a lifetime of coping skills, years of therapy, etc. Medication was what made the biggest change for me. I also operate off a series of timers. I set two timers for every task — the “it’s time to get ready to do the task!” and a second time five minutes later when its actually time to do the task, in case I forget.
Also, always ALWAYS operating under the assumption that if it is possible to lose or forget something, I will. NEVER assume you will remember something without writing it down immediately, putting it in your calendar, scheduling it, etc. If I read an email and don’t have time to respond immediately, I mark it as unread so I don’t forget.
Anon
I miss the days when there were more long winded questions about interpersonal drama on this forum and at least a few boyfriend/husband issues to get takes on. Invitation to the group to post about their love lives and ask for advice, if anyone is inclined to do so :)
Big Mama
Ok I’ll bite :) pregnant with our first, and wondering how to keep the magic alive once baby arrives. We are pretty romantic people in terms of physical and verbal expressions of affection. But we don’t go on a lot of dates, and it seems the answer is always “date night.” Honestly, I feel a little awkward at sit down dinners with my husband – shy almost? We mostly just smile at each other and don’t have much to say. Any tips from those who have been there and done that?
Also, this is a bit ridiculous, but are there related gifts I can stockpile for anniversaries, etc. before my brain explodes with all things baby? I heard about Date Night in a Box – anyone done that? Similar tips?
Thanks!
Anon
Doing activities together is more fun for me and DH than just going to dinner. Axe throwing, tubing…trying something new together, basically.
That being said, until I finished nursing, s*x wasn’t on the table much – I wasn’t interested often and had a lot of dryness.
Anon
Not sure if this is always helpful, but I had 0 gardening drive due to SSRIs and taking Maca supplements each morning has made a world of difference.
Anon
Same. Low key live music, actual concerts, comedy shows, hike, obscure activities in our metro area. Sign us up.
Anon
Aww! This is such a cute question. I also get shy on date nights with DH, but I think that is a plus? It makes you more intentional about asking questions, being thoughtful in your answers, and actively trying to connect vs just taking the other person for granted.
Some other things I’d imagine would be helpful are: be kind, even when things get stressful. Show love and communicate via words of affirmations. Communicate your boundaries and needs to make sure you’re getting what you want (this will make you appreciate him more and fend off resentments). And try to do new things together!
For your last question, you could definitely just map out all the gifts you’d want to get him in advance and then buy. I thought 5 months before my DH’s birthday about a present (an oil painting from his home in his country of origin) and bought it right then since I am the WORST with gifts. When you think of anything, strike, even if it’s months in advance.
Congratulations on the new baby!! It sounds like you will have a lovely little family :)
Senior Attorney
Honestly? The best way to safeguard your marriage once your baby arrives is to make sure you have a good division of labor. Don’t be the gatekeeper when it comes to child care, and don’t let your husband turn into a bumbling dad. Make sure you are equal partners from the beginning. I promise you this is the most important thing for your relationship.
Also, once the baby comes, date nights will take on a whole new meaning and I highly recommend doing that, too. (You’ll have plenty to talk about because you will have that magical child to discuss!)
ArenKay
THIS.
Deedee
Late but my spouse and I spend literally hours discussing fantasy-type questions. Things like, what classes we think we’d take in college if we could go back, detailed itineraries of trips we can’t yet afford, down to the dollar descriptions of what we’d buy if we won the lottery (we had a fun time doing this with specificity for $1M, $10M, $100M, and “if $ were no object”). Another great conversation was things we would buy only if we had INFINITE money. Baby names for more children than we’ll ever have. Planning themed parties that we don’t have enough friends to actually throw and then deciding what to actually host instead.
Oh, also memory conversation about stuff like our favorite meals as kids, our memories of birthdays past, etc. I find you tend to stop asking your spouse those types of things after a while!
I also LOVE meeting other people with my spouse, so if you’re doing date night, maybe sitting at a bustling bar for cocktails and making conversation with those around you?
Anon
Ha, my husband and I do the same thing. We’re always asking each other hypotheticals like could you survive living one year in Costco with internet but no phone calls/social media, what would be your dream restaurant menu (inspired by the Off Menu podcast), if you organized a multiday festival what would the theme be and how would you set it up? When we stumble across a great topic, we’ll often end up posing it to everyone else we socialize with that week.
Anon
Oh man, my husband likes to do this to and it mostly drives me crazy. I don’t get a lot of enjoyment out of discussing hypotheticals that have zero chance of ever happening.
Anon
Block time for working on actual work, preferably in the morning. It’s hard to clear a whole day or wait for “white space” to appear, but if you’re not available for an hour a couple days a week, the world doesn’t crash. I also like to work for two hours on a Sunday afternoon. I’m fresh from the weekend, I get ahead of the week and I don’t feel like it’s a huge sacrifice. I would also always choose to work before work hours, even early in the morning than in the evening. But just overall, you’re going to have to gain comfort in letting people or yourself down and recognize that saying “Yes” to something is saying “no” to others and that’s hard for high achievers to do. Set your own goals and boundaries of what is “enough” and live within that. The CEO will always be happy to take more of your time.
Anon
Is there a good explainer out there about why women should be deleting period tracking apps? I’ve seen a lot of tweets about this, but I don’t understand it. I am actively trying to get pregnant and those apps are quite helpful for that. I know that even though I want to be pregnant, I still may end up needing an abortion. But using an app isn’t going to change that?
Anon
The concern is the apps could be used to prove that you were pregnant and had an abortion. A lot of them have recently changed their privacy agreements to explicitly state they’ll cooperate with law enforcement.
Anonymous
The concept is that if your app data indicates a pregnancy and then later you turn up not giving birth, someone might hunt you (or your doc) down and accuse you of having an abortion or behaving in a way detrimental to an embryo/fetus that and imposing some kind of punishment for that. It’s far-fetched but who knows where the line will be.
anonshmanon
Adding that it’s technically possible: the app has the data, and most have a clause in their user agreement that they can do whatever they like with the data, including sell it. Apps could directly collaborate with law enforcement, or they could just sell user data in general and a third-party vendor sells them on, or someone buying the data acts on vigilante laws like the one passed in Texas. Data privacy is not well regulated in general, so I don’t expect the government to intervene.
Anon
It’s evidence that can be used against you if abortion is illegal in your state.
Anon
The concern is that tech companies would have to turn over data proving your pregnancy to your state government so they could prosecute you for obtaining an illegal abortion. It’s really not that hypothetical; tech companies are already grappling with this issue. See e.g., https://www.reuters.com/world/us/us-tech-industry-frets-about-handing-data-states-prosecuting-abortion-2022-06-24/
If you live in a state where it’s absolutely certain abortion will never be made illegal (California, Illinois, New York etc.) it’s probably not going to personality affect you, but I would not want to be sharing my data with a company that was going to hand over other people’s data to a state government for prosecution on this point. Personally I would just keep track on a paper calendar. That’s what I did when TTC and it worked fine. You really don’t need to keep track of much except the date of your last period. The most effective method of conceiving is having sex every other day whenever you’re not bleeding. Trying to time sex to certain “fertile days” is actually less effective than the every other day method.