Coffee Break: Medium Tote Bag

118 Comments

1. I’ve been dealing with a marriage issue/self doubt for almost 11 months and need a gut check. Sorry for the long story and thanks to those who read it…

   Background: I am an attorney and have been married for five years. DH is a 4th grade teacher who went back to college to earn his degree and has been teaching for 3 years. Prior to last summer, DH has had a close professional relationship with another (female) teacher who is approximately his age (we’re late 20s, early 30s). DH often mentioned how much he admired her teaching style and care for students. DH had been open with me that he and this teacher routinely discuss common students and approaches to teaching. Both are very popular with the students and some have even referred to them as “work husband/wife”. I have previously told DH that I’m not especially comfortable with the relationship but that I trust him to draw appropriate boundaries. I’ve never previously had any reason to suspect anything inappropriate or infidelity.

   Last July (2021), I was scrolling through my husband’s social media in our kitchen with DH and our then-2-year-old daughter. I was also 5 months pregnant at the time. I was not snooping, and this is/was common and NBD for us, as we have many common friends and are “open phone”, “open social media” with each other. I looked at DH’s Snapchat DMs and saw a message from a female user (no username was visible, but the female emoji-face was). The incoming message from the female user said “You naughty boy” in response to an outgoing message from DH that said “For your eyes only ;)”.

   My heart sank immediately and I demanded to know “who the F is this?”, while knowing it had to be the teacher. DH immediately grabbed the phone and admitted it was indeed. DH (almost tearfully and seemingly sincerely) profusely apologized. He was adamant that nothing physical had ever happened but that it was a breach of trust and inappropriate. He said he was willing to call the friend with me on the line to confirm and/or quit his job at the school. I demanded to see the rest of the conversation, but DH had already deleted the entire DM convo. He claimed that deleting it was an almost automatic response, but the conversation was gone forever. DH claimed that the photo/video in question (which was not visible to me) was a video of him working out (which I confirmed that he had taken the previous day), which he inadvertently sent to the teacher friend. He also told me that the teacher had only recently added him on Snapchat and that they had exchanged only a few DMs (all of which were deleted and none of which I saw).

   Later that day, we discussed the episode again and DH remained very apologetic yet adamant that nothing more had ever occurred between them. I told him that if it had, now would be the time to discuss it and see if things could be patched up. In the 11 months since, DH still teaches with said teacher, but has (apparently) significantly reduced his contact with her. We’ve also continued our open phones, open social media policy. I did discover that he had previously DM the same teacher on Instagram, but other than having the DM conversation at all, the content of the conversation was unobjectionable—nothing more than you’d see in public comments.

   It’s now been almost a year (with the birth of another baby intervening), and DH and I have hardly discussed this episode. My impression is that he thinks it’s essentially resolved. While I haven’t found anything to suggest DH was lying about the conversation (nor has anything else happened since to make me question him), I’m still very bitter about this episode. At a minimum, I feel like a victim of emotional infidelity, and quite frankly, I have a really hard time believing his story for the DMs (the timing, the “mistaken” recipient, the words, the deletion). I guess it’s possible, and I’d like to believe him, but it just feels very unlikely. If I were to discover he’d lied about this episode when caught, I’d want to end things, but we also have two children under 3 years old…

   What to do, wise hive?

   1. Is him teaching at another school an option?

   2. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was reading the first paragraph thinking you were totally overreacting (my DH is a professor who is very close friends with some female colleagues) and then I got to your second paragraph. You are right to feel cheated on even if nothing physical happened, which honestly I’m skeptical of. Your husband’s story is not at all plausible to me as an objective outsider. No one would respond “you naughty boy” to a workout video they received by accident. And who would he be sending a workout video to with such a suggestive caption?! I think you should tell him you haven’t moved past this and you need to go to couples counseling and get more candor from him if you’re going to. I’m sorry again.

      1. *if you’re going to stay married

      2. This, exactly. OP, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

         I think the only way to move past is to have a safe space to talk about your doubts about the truthfulness of his story (which are reasonable IMO), get more information, and identify what (if anything) would be useful to help you two get to a better place.

         Therapy seems like the way to do this to me.

      3. +1 I’m sorry you are going through this and I agree with the comments here and the advice you have been given.

         I will add that I am a high school teacher and I have witnessed first hand some of the work ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ relationships at work firsthand. These are very close relationships and me and my close colleague/friend who saw these work couples first hand also thought many of the lines of ‘appropriateness’ were crossed in texts, comments, behaviors, etc. I am shocked at some of the banter I see/ hear! I don’t know why this is so prevalent at school workplaces, but my guess is that we are placed in ‘parental’ roles to a certain degree when we teach, while we work with students who can be challenging at the same time. In a way, our colleagues are the only ones who sometimes truly understand our common (difficult) students and the stresses of work, which has been really hard these last two years. Our union is strict as well with these policies, so I cannot figure this aspect of my workplace culture at times — it seems contradictory.

         Again, I’m not suggesting at all that this is your situation or necessarily is directly related, but for what it is worth, these close platonic relationships do take place (and again, I’m I’m not really a part of this dynamic at my workplace…maybe that is why I feel more left out!) Your instincts are what matter here the most and you likely have the best ‘read’ of the situation.

         1. I posted below thinking he was lying, but this comment reminded me that my dad used to be on a third-grade team comprised entirely of female teachers. They were all extremely close and worked together for a decade. They’d tell him about their sex lives, their affairs, one of them getting breast implants (she asked for his opinion and then didn’t listen when he said no), among other things. My stepmom is also a teacher and has a best- best- friend who is her gay male colleague.

            It may just be that they were a level of closeness that enabled them to be raunchy over text but nothing more. It does seem very odd and I think there were at least partial lies in his explanation, but maybe the truth is not as sinister as we might think it is.

         2. I definitely have this stereotype about (a subset of) school teachers (and it’s been an issue in my friend group because it can really skirt the line of platonic/cross it at times).

         3. I have noticed this dynamic among my friends who are teachers, and my friends who are nurses. So many professional lines are crossed, imho. Their relationships are way different than coworker relationships in literally any other place.

            OP, I’d still be super mad if I were you. I would not be OK with my spouse participating in this culture.

            1. Came back to add that your comment makes me feel validated at work:) I don’t usually participate in this dynamic ( to the degree discussed here), but I have always felt left out at work because while I am super friendly, I don’t do the ‘banter’ in the way described here! The ‘friend roots’ at work go really deep and it has never felt easy to ‘break’ into the work friend groups because I don’t like to participate in all theses types of dyanmics. (even though a colleague told me I was one of the nicest people at work! – which surprised me)

   3. Couples therapy. His story sounds kinda suspicious, and even if he’s being straightforward, the trust between the two of you has been damaged and is going to need to be actively repaired. And if switching schools is an option at all, I’d hope he’d do that.

   4. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t be able to smoothly move forward from this.

      I’m divorced and remarried. My first husband never admitted to cheating but there was a lot of stuff that didn’t add up. Finally I was the one who asked for the divorce (for a whole smorgasbord of issues, not just the one) and now I’m the b1tch, which I guess I’m fine with if that’s how he wants to live his life. I still think my hunch was right, and if that’s how you’re feeling, your hunch is probably right too. Either way, you get to decide what is ok with you and what isn’t. I wouldn’t be ok with any of that.

      He needs to find a way, at a minimum, to cease all contact with this woman, whether than means changing jobs or not. He can’t have it both ways, and you would not be unreasonable to demand that as a necessary condition of moving forward.

      I’m eh on marriage counseling. We tried it, but my first husband just lied about everything and walked away from every session thinking the counselor had validated his point of view. And I don’t just mean lying about the did he or didn’t he stuff. He lied about things that had actually happened that I had been there for. Liars gonna lie. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

   5. It’s almost impossible for me to believe that he wasn’t lying. 1) Who was he saying “for your eyes only” to, if he really sent it “accidentally” to the teacher? 2) Why would she respond “You naughty boy” if it were just a video of him working out? 3) You have to be very, very comfortable with someone in a sexual/flirtatious way to send someone a photo or video like that. Especially if it is a work friend, the consequences of sending an unwanted flirtatious photo or video are HUGE. It doesn’t sound like your DH is the type to make unwanted videos, which clearly indicates that there was an established romantic/sexual connection (even if it had been only virtual prior to that).

      I would truthfully be most concerned about his lying in this situation. If he’d messed up and taken accountability, that would be one thing. But it sounds like was doing something that I’d count as cheating, and then came up with incredibly acrobatic justifications to lie about it from start to finish. The lies almost seem so hard-to-believe that it seems like it would have been much easier for him to just be honest, and yet he chose not to be. And then chose to maintain the lie for the course of almost a year.

      I agree about couples therapy. I also think if you really don’t believe him (it sounds like you don’t) you need to communicate that directly to him. It sounds like he doesn’t realize the extent to which you doubt him, and that is important for him to know. It isn’t fair for him to think that you fully trust him when you don’t, and that you believe him when (again, it really sounds like you think he was lying).

      I would consider asking him to switch schools as well, if it doesn’t impact his career. The open phone/open socials seems like nothing is going on now, which is good. But at the same time, I don’t know anyone under the age of 25 who uses Snapchat, and it strikes me as a huge red flag that he was using Snapchat at all. There may be other means of communication that you don’t have access to, or other modes that he might elect to use in the future if he isn’t using now.

      Do you feel like you trust him in other regards? Does this seem like a one-off thing?

   6. He cheated on you and you know it now and youve known it 11 months. There’s no legit reason to have a professional colleague on Snapchat. First, call a lawyer. Figure out what divorce would look like.

   7. I also don’t believe his story, but it’s possible he used this as a wake up call and it has not happened again. However, you need to feel safety and trust on your relationship. I can understand letting it go since you were pregnant, and your husband may have some resistance to bringing this up again.

      I do think couples therapy can become weaponized in cases of infidelity, but I do think it’s your best place to start here. Hopefully the therapy and his actions can put your mind at ease. This is rough at any time, but especially with your young kids. All the best wishes to you!

   8. I feel this deeply. I’ve been married for 12 years, together with DH for almost 16. In that time we’ve had a few episodes of something similar. It has taken a lot for us to work through, and work past, what has happened. It isn’t so much about what happened exactly, but the dishonesty. We’ve had the exact experience of hashing out an event, him thinking it was closed, and me just incredibly uneasy about the thing for months/a year after.

      We didn’t do marriage counseling officially, but we did do what I would consider “self” counseling where we spent a long, long time trying to figure things out. Some of the hardest points in our marriage were right around the times I was pregnant and/or post partum.

      First, think about what you want. Closure? Assurance the book is closed on whatever happened? The truth (and does it matter?) An apology? Him to attend counseling?

      I would choose a time with no distractions, and let him know in advance you want to spend that time discussing your marriage. It will give him a heads up that things are not great and he will come to the conversation in a serious mode (vs catching him off-guard on date night). Think about the questions you’d like answered, and ask him. Give him lots of time to think and react. Let him know you where you stand: you are willing to move forward but cannot until you feel like this is behind you. Specific to what happened in your case, I would ask DH “what would you think if the roles were reversed? Would you honestly believe me?”

      I could not, would not, and did not have these kinds of conversations with DH when we were younger.

   9. A therapist once told my husband and me that “you will be attracted to other people, and enjoy flirting and banter and so forth–it is up to each of you and your commitment to your marriage to set limits. Trust takes time to build, but breaks in an instant.” Ok, your husband and this teacher are attracted to each other, and are flirting. Did it ever get physical? Is he a good father and husband? do you otherwise love and respect and him? I would not jump to divorce as you have children, and as a woman married to a man whose parents are divorce, divorce is tough throughout an entire lifetime of holidays, grandchildren, etc. But, he needs to earn your trust again, and you need to learn more. xoxox

2. The bottom of the tub in my kid’s bathroom is gross. There are invisible treads to prevent slipping, which picked up the dirt from his feet in numerous areas and since he’s a teen who doesn’t clean, it sat for too long and seems to have stained it. I’ve tried bleach, I’ve tried scrubbing, I’ve seen an online tip to try oven cleaner, I even tried a pressure washer, nothing removes the stains. Is there something else to try or is this just how it is now? It looks gross even though it’s as clean as I can make it.

   1. Is this like dirty soap scum? I had a shower with a textured bottom that sounds sort of like what you’re talking about. It was a pain to clean, but scrubbing with a paste of baking soda and Dawn worked. You really had to put in some elbow grease, though.

   2. Have you used a scrubbing powder like Bon Ami?

   3. Someone in my house used a bath bomb that stained the whole tub. It’s making me wonder if there’s something wrong with its finish? Just seems like it shouldn’t stain that easily! I do use Bon Ami for scrubbing since I thought it was supposed to be okay for tubs.

   4. Barkeeper’s Friend powder? Magic eraser?

   5. I’ve read that you can spray a 50/50 mix of Dawn and warm vinegar, let sit, and then scrub.

      If that’s too gentle, others suggest toilet ring remover. (Use gloves and ventilation.)

   6. Try using Comet with bleach (one product), plus elbow grease.

   7. Oxyclean, Comet, or toothpaste may work–abrasive + whitening. You’ll need a lot of elbow grease.

   8. magic eraser?

   9. Zep grout cleaner! I had this issue in my last home. I think I tried every suggestion listed in the comments, but this was the only thing that worked. Wear gloves, long sleeves, and eye protection and try a test patch first. Upside is that it requires very little scrubbing.

      I’m typically a natural is best gal, but I had some left over from cleaning our filthy grout and decided to test it out (it also works unbelievably well on stained grout, just be sure your grout is in good shape).

   10. Very late to the party but wanted to share in case you revisit this.

       I assume the invisible texture means it is a fiberglass tub. Are you sure it is really stained and not surface wear? In trying to scrub rust stains off ours, my spouse found out the hard way that abrasive cleaners and magic erasers can sand right through the surface layer, especially on the textured nubs. There is no cleaning product that will fix that sort of damage.

3. Thanks all for the makeup suggestions! I love the Maybelline brow pencil Vicky recommended (just went to Walgreens, so no Benefit), and I am actually regularly wearing a lip crayon! I didn’t really like either of the shadow palettes I got, but I didn’t follow the brand recommendations here (they weren’t at Walgreens), so I may try again. With that and a couple of the Banana (Factory?) “aureus & argent” jewelry pieces and a couple new Universal Standard tops, I feel much more put together and more ready to face the work world in a few weeks. Thank you!

   1. Particular thanks to the enthusiastic “put something on your lips” crowd, as I never would have even considered that before you all :).

4. Anyone have tips for ongoing sinus pressure issues? They seem to go for about 3 months, then gone, then return, etc. for years, no matter where I live. I have had this for years, including when living in the NE, the midwest, and the SE. I end up using generic sudafed which works but becomes annoying since I have to rebuy often since you can’t buy in bulk. I’ve been using sprays which help momentarily, as does steam, but the pressure always builds back, causing pain behind my eyes and sometimes in my teeth. The sufafed plus ongoing draining nauseates me, the meds to stop that makes me not p00p for days which makes me achy and grouchy, the meds for that make me nervous to be far from a restroom, the cycle seems unending. No insurance unfortunately and clinics charge a fortune so I thought I’d ask if people have experience and recs. I tried 3 days of antibiotics a friend had and gave me but they didn’t make a difference.

   1. Yes. I eat very little dairy, as milk is a mucus thickener. I also use a Neti Pot, which I find both gentler and more effective than sprays and steam. Finally, I rarely use Sudafed. My decongestant of choice is guafenisin, which is branded as an expectorant, but it also thins mucus and helps your sinuses drain. I’ll use that when I’m near-desperate and only layer in Sudafed at desperation. Oh, and Claritin also helps.

      1. Cutting dairy is critical for this. Truly a life-changer for my always-clogged ears and allergies. You have nothing to lose by trying it for as little as two weeks and seeing if it helps!

         OP, I also recommend some self-lymphatic drainage massage for sinuses, head. You tube has some great options. I use a chiro called Heather Wibble (I think) and she has some great videos. Again this is easy, can’t hurt, and could potentially get things moving.

   2. This might sound slightly strange, but if your main symptoms are pain and a runny nose, as opposed to thick discharge, consider whether these are actually migraine symptoms. I also got some relief from sudafed, but I had a lot of facial pain in the the sinus area, along with behind the eye and jaw pain, that turned out to be migraine. It’s apparently quite common for people to be told they have sinus headaches when they’re actually migraines- if you have a lot of nausea, I’d be even more inclined to say that’s the case. If you can’t see a doctor to discuss this, there are online pharmacies that prescribe common migraine meds and you could see if they help.

      1. Interesting! I had a not-severe migraine a couple of weeks ago and after it went away, felt like I was getting a sinus infection for a couple of days. A decongestant did help a bit, and then it just went away.

         1. Sigh. Are hyphens bad, too?

            1. m*graine puts you in mod. I assume that’s because there was a weird poster a few years ago who kept posting about getting them and having to scream and cry they were in so much pain, but refused to see a doctor. Such a weird thing to be a troll about…

   3. Have you looked into a potential underlying allergy issue? My prescription allergy nasal spray is the only thing that makes a difference for me.

   4. I have terrible allergies and my doctor told me to stop taking decongestants – using them on a long term basis can actually make congestion worse because of the rebound affect.

   5. Allegra, Zyrtec and Flonase daily. Also, saline nasal spray 2x/day to thin mucus. I’m in the SEUS and I do this pretty much year round. Also yes to seeing an ENT if you can. There may be an underlying issue. I’ve been to one and he said everything looks fine, so I guess it’s just where I live.

   6. I have terrible sinuses, which run in the family. I never take decongestants, because the side effects are awful – sudafed gives me the shakes and guafenisen makes me dizzy – but I do take a half zyrtec every night, use flonase as needed, and for me the real game changer has been saline gel before bed. It’s the only thing that makes me able to breathe through my nose all night.

   7. Ditto to all the above, plus stay very very hydrated. Anything thing that works for me is the sauna at my gym – when very blocked I’ve done up to 90 minutes (15 in/15 out, repeat) while drinking tons of water, and that helps enormously.

5. Reposting as I posted late this morning, in case anyone has specific lawyer recs: Does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer in California (San Diego area)? Urgently needed. My best friend’s husband is suddenly and aggressively pushing that they should separate and “open their marriage” to other people because his needs “may be too much for one person.” I just learned from her that has been emotionally abusing her as well. He is always traveling and I strongly suspect drugs and other women are involved. She is in shock as this is out of no where to her, and they have two kids under 5. He is now saying he needs to move money from their personal account to his business because his business is having “cash flow issues”. His business is worth millions. I think she needs to talk to an attorney ASAP right? I’m not sure if they need to be local to San Diego or if just in California is fine? Thank you in advance for any info!

   1. I think it would be best to have a San Diego attorney if possible. San Diego is a smallish legal community and it’s probably best to get somebody who knows and works with the judges and other family law attorneys in town.

6. Has anyone seen what’s going on with Daily Harvest? Any lawyers know what may happen to them? Could the company have to shut down?

   1. I looked this up and see that the company is recalling a single product. Why are you jumping from that to the concept that the company will have to shut down?
      It does sound like they may have to address some customer claims, since it seems to have caused more than upset stomachs, but that is typically addressed through insurance or a lawsuit covered by insurance.
      Is there something I am missing?

      1. Yeah food poisoning happens all the time, unfortunately. It rarely drives anyone out of business.

      2. I am not OP but I saw some stories about this on tik tok. Apparently a lot of people got sick and daily harvest knew people were getting sick but kept trying to say it wasn’t their product. It took a lot to get them to respond and to recall the product. That’s the issue.

         1. But that’s pretty much standard in food poisoning cases- in the recent baby formula case, the manufacturer still denies that any contamination had been linked to their plant, but eventually went along with the recall and plant shutdown anyway. My understanding here is that they also haven’t been able to show any contamination in the product, just a pattern of illness suggestive of a fungal toxin? I guess the only difference is that the customer base has higher expectations?

      3. It seems to be more intense than simple food poisoning. Like people are having severe liver issues and have had their gallbladder out and are sick weeks later from what I’ve read online.

         1. Yes, and that is terrible, but products injure and kill people and companies stay in business.

            1. Well, they stop getting my money anyway.

            2. That’s kind of weird. Oh well, companies injure and kill people and it’s ok…. Do you work for Daily Harvest by any chance?

            3. Different poster, but it’s pretty much impossible to grow plants or animals in a sterile environment, so some level of contamination is inevitable, even when following best practices. It’s obviously not okay to injure or kill people, but it doesn’t necessarily imply negligence on behalf of the manufacturer and we don’t yet know if this case involved negligence or not. If it didn’t, then I see no reason why they should go out of business, though they should clearly be held responsible if they were negligent. It sounds like this could be caused by a fungal toxin, which often occurs while plants are growing or in storage after harvest, so it’s not necessarily poor manufacturing, just the way nature works if you don’t use fungicides, and this wouldn’t necessarily get picked up in tests for microbes that typically cause food poisoning. I’m all in favor of reducing the use of toxic chemicals, but there’s a reason why they’re commonly used.

            4. You can argue about whether this case involved negligence and whether they’ll be held responsible, but I have a choice between businesses that don’t have this kind of history and businesses that do.

               I’m not pretending it’s possible to grow food in a sterile environment. But SOMEHOW some businesses haven’t killed or injured anyone so they’ll continue to get my money.

            5. Huh? No, I don’t work for Daily Harvest. I am a lawyer and I understand how these things work. I am aware of many instances where companies have had to recall dangerous products and also stay in business. They get sued. They either exhaust their insurance or take a hit to their bottom line. But they continue to do business and no, they don’t “stop making money, anyway.” Is it possible that this bad press will make these special snowflake customers uninterested in continuing to buy any Daily Harvest products? I guess. Should the company be getting out in front of the story with its own PR machine? Certainly, and it looks like it is. But Chipotle poisoned a bunch of people and still functions. Drug manufacturers have injured or killed many.many people and still operate. Tesla and Samsung made exploding products and still function. McDonalds burned some people with hot coffee and went on selling Big Macs and even more hot coffee. Clothing manufacturers made flammable pajamas and kept making clothes.

7. Thank you to everyone who responded to my shoulder pain question earlier. You convinced me to make a drs. appt. and I have a primary care appt for about a month from now. Often though something opens up so it could be more like 2-3 weeks until I’m seen.

   Any tips until then as this shoulder, bicep, neck pain comes and goes and makes it kind of hard to concentrate at work? Advil? Do those icy hot patches work?

   Also I note a lot of people on the morning thread mentioned getting a few PT sessions. Is that the type of thing that you can only do after you’ve seen a PCP? I don’t mean for insurance purposes as my insurance doesn’t require referrals, but would a PT place be willing to see you if they don’t have a drs note saying what your issue may be? I’ll take PT recommendations in N. Va. if anyone has them; I’m in Arlington but willing to drive.

   1. I’m remembering the longish thread a while back about frozen shoulder, which I had and was treated successfully with a guided cortisone injection, so definitely see a doctor. You may need an xray or MRI to rule out other issues, I wouldn’t see a PT without having some idea of the cause since treatments could be different for a frozen shoulder vs a tear. The night pain you mentioned is a hallmark of frozen shoulder. Advil and Tylenol barely helped me during the worst of it.

   2. I’d even say to either say a specialist or a PT first before going to your PCP. PCPs will just refer you to one or to both. The PT may be able to get you in earlier and if they can help you then you can at least start doing the exercises earlier, then see how they go. (PT exercises are usually incredibly mild and easy.)

      (I had an ER doc and PCP tell me my knee was fine after an accident, then went to a PT for help when it kept giving out on me — PT was the one who suggested it was an ACL tear and encouraged me to go see a specialist.)

      1. I disagree with this. Until you know what is causing the pain, don’t have a PT manipulate the joint. They could make it worse. Any good PT is going to want to know exactly what they’re treating.

   3. Most, but not all, PTs will want a referral. This is partially because they don’t want to get stuck with insurance denials but also because they want to be sure a doctor has evaluated you and agrees that there’s nothing medically going on that should be treated by a doctor, not a PT. It probably also helps in terms of managing patient load and prioritizing patients appropriately. In the mean time, I’m a big fan of those stick on hot patches. They last most of the day.

   4. A lot of orthopedic clinics set aside appointments for walk-in hours. They can assess and refer to PT.

   5. In my state (IL) I believe you need a prescription for PT, so you would have to see a doctor first. I think that’s probably a good idea as well.
      A family member is recovering from shoulder surgery (torn rotator cuff) and his process was Ortho visit -> testing to evaluate for PT or surgery -> ortho evaluating tests and concluding surgery was necessary -> scheduling surgery. He was seen for a different issue at the same time, and for that one the ortho referred him to PT after the initial visit based on the exam.

      1. I live in IL and I don’t think that’s true. It could be a condition of your health insurance.

      2. All states have laws allowing you to see a PT directly, but the specifics vary. You can definitely see a PT without a referral in IL for a certain number of visits, but your insurance may not cover it. Depending on the PT’s policies, they may only do an initial visit without a referral unless its a very basic issue.

8. Has anyone used the electric scooters around a city? Anyone over 40? How hard is it to get a hang of this? My (much younger) date for the weekend is threatening to make this part of our outing and I am very skeptical that this is a good idea given that I have never ridden one.

   1. I’ve never used one but they’re all over my city and I see a wide range of people riding them. If I were you I’d probably try one out before the date, either by myself or with a friend who loves me even when I flail and look ridiculous.

   2. They are very fun! Although, do not ride them after drinking.

   3. They are fun but watch out for potholes! I would not recommend riding after drinking – you need to keep your balance.

   4. I’m under 40 but I use the ones in my city all the time! You operate them by kicking off and then applying pressure to a push trigger with your right thumb (at least the ones I have used). I find them really easy to use–there’s a small learning curve for the first few minutes to figure out how much pressure to apply but they don’t go terribly fast.

   5. They are very easy to ride – no skill required. They’re unfortunately not in my city but I rode them when in LA for a relative’s wedding with my parents and 2 sets of aunts and uncles – ranging from late 50s to early 70s. They had had no previous experience on the scooters and were all fine. The biggest challenge that generation had with them was using the app.

   6. Thanks, all. I am already having serious anxiety about “cougaring” during this midlife crisis I’m in and this development today tweaked all my fears. But I am going to push through it and not miss out on fun.

   7. Nope. I hate those scooters passionately, and want them to go away. The people who ride them seems to have trouble deciding whether they are following rules for cars, bicycles, pedestrians or what, and create lots of very dangerous situations. They do not indicate, do not behave predictably, and when they crash into people or leave the scooter on a sidewalk they actively harm people. Thankfully they are being more closely regulated where I live. There is no difference between a 25 year old or a 45 year old in terms of mastering it or being dangerous, but I have seen that drunk middle aged men and people with no previous traffic experience (too young or urban to have a driver’s licence) are the most insular and dangerous ones.

      To answer your actual question – if you have a driver’s licence (so you know car traffic) and have experience bicycling in the city (so you know how to behave as a more vulnerable person in traffic and know how to look around without a mirror), you’ll be fine. You traverse levels the most safely at a diagonal.

      1. Thanks for the tip.
         There will be no streets or car traffic involved.

         1. Wear a helmet!

      2. So agree . I find them very dangerous and where I live they are often in accidents

9. Request for advice managing an unhappy staffer and creating a stable situation for at least a few months?

   I have a direct report who manages one other employee. They have historically been a strong performer, but during the pandemic they have grown unhappy with their role and with our organization.

   Our business is very cyclical (we work long hours to complete big projects, interspersed with slower periods) and they’re frustrated at having to work longer hours during our busy times. They’re salaried and we work hard to not burn out staff but an increased workload during big projects comes with the job.

   I believe their dissatisfaction with their job began with our uneven workload (to be clear, our business has always been like this), and now has evolved to a more generalized frustration with the organization as a whole, including feeling like upper management is the enemy.

   I know they have a lot of scary and hard challenges in their personal life, and I think that maybe their unhappiness at work is amplified by how understandably overwhelmed and worried they are about their personal issues. I have sympathy for them, but I need to find a way to help them keep it together at work until they can move on to their next role.

   They do have their eye on a role outside of our organization that might open up soon, and it would be a great next step for them, but in the meantime we need them to perform decently and for their attitude to not spread to other staff.

   Other staff do not express the same level of dissatisfaction with the organization, but I want to head off the possibility of this becoming a more widespread issue. I’m particularly worried about the attitude potentially spreading the staff member who reports to this person since they work closely together.

   I know that “work with the staffer to help them improve, and if they don’t then fire them” is a logical response to this question. However this staffer has a very specialized skill set that is hard to hire for, even in a normal job market. Plus we’re in the midst of a huge project and this staff member is a key player in its success. Ideally I’d find a way to meet everyone’s needs for at least a few more months until things calm down for the organization.

   I’d greatly appreciate any suggestions on how to navigate this challenge! TIA!

   1. I have been through this and out the other side, and I understand your concerns about being staffed for big projects and this skill being hard to hire, but once you’re on the other side of it I promise you will regret that you tried to hold on to this unhappy employee for so long. Work out some sort of severance offer and move on ASAP.

   2. when you say slower periods, what do those look like? I’m a corporate attorney and when I’m slow I’m expected to keep an eye on my email but there is no expectation that I will sit in my office from 9-5 M-F, because my partner’s know that when I am busy I will be working at 2AM every day for weeks straight.

      Does your organization provide true flexibility in terms of the hours required and where the employee has to work during those slow times?

      1. Yea i was in a job where i didn’t work til 2am
         per se but in busy periods could be at work until after 10pm but was still supposed to be there from 9-7 when i was slow. Also lots of industries/companies are cyclical like this, but in my experience on many projects i worked on the management could’ve been much better (no the whole team of 10 does not sit around literally doing nothing while two people work on something)

   3. Is there any chance that their feelings about upper management are warranted? In terms of their personal challenges, you might be able to gauge if these are affecting their actual work, but I don’t think it’s fair to say that this is the cause of their attitude. I know when I had personal challenges, going to work in a collegial environment kept me grounded and allowed me some escape. When the environment turned toxic (long term ongoing layoffs, outsourcing, increased workloads), my personal challenges were not the cause of my dissatisfaction. No advice as even if their feelings are warranted, there may be nothing you can do about it.

10. I see here from time to time, lots of complaints about the quality of clothing these days. I agree that quality has really seemed to decline in the past few years, but usually these comments are also followed by the commenter saying that they need to be able to throw all their clothes in the dryer. Dryers are terribly rough on clothing and I don’t know that we can expect even very good quality items to stand up to being thrown in a hot dryer every time they are washed.

    I basically only machine-dry clothing that can’t be seen in public – underwear (but not bras), sheets, towels, maybe jeans if they need tightening up (but I usually only put them in the dryer for a short time). When the pandemic started I bought a bunch of Old Navy graphic tees to wear for every day (my job does not require me to be visible on calls very often) and 2 years later, most of them are still in decent shape, because I wash them in cold water and hang them to dry. So I do wonder if some of the quality issues people complain about are because people aren’t willing to take the time and effort to take care of clothing properly. Even back in the 1980s, my mother basically hung most clothing to dry, maybe what’s a happening is a combination of decreased quality and decreased willingness to be a little fussy about how we care for our clothing.

    I also do not have an in-unit laundry set, although I do have a laundry room on my floor. I wash my clothing, put it in my rolling cart, roll it over to the dryer, and then sort out the clothes that go in the dryer from the ones that will be hung to dry. It doesn’t take long at all.

    1. Well, I was the poster this morning who asked for t-shirt recommendations. I follow the labels on clothing religiously, and IMHO, a t-shirt shouldn’t become misshapen from drying on low. I will absolutely hang dry nicer items, flat dry my sweaters and knits and such, but babying a t-shirt is a bridge too far.

       1. I will also say that when you’re doing laundry for 5 people in your household, not just one, your tolerance for fussing goes way, way down.

          1. That makes sense (although maybe it’s time for a couple of the 5 people to pitch in on laundry!) but it’s still asking a lot of clothing to stand up to a hot dryer.

             I don’t know, I rarely have clothing get wrecked that quickly and while I do hang most of it to dry, I basically wash two loads of clothing, 1 load of light colors, one of darks, all on cold. I guess I also have a good amount of clothing so maybe stuff isn’t getting worn and washed as often.

          2. I hang dry everything except underwear, pyjamas, and sheets/towels (though frequently hang them, too). I don’t think tees can be dried in the machine and expected to last. We are a family of six and I don’t find it overwhelming though one kid does her own and my husband does a lot.

             1. This is why I think the clothes have changed. I used to be able to dry items without any issues that I now need to line dry. And I do line dry them. But it’s still annoying.

             2. I have always dried tees in the dryer and even target ones last at least 5-7 years.

       2. If things look warped and misshapen after washing, it might be that the fabric for the garment was half-way cut straight, half-way cut on the bias. A nice fabric expensive t-shirt will never wash well if it’s cut wrong, because whenever the fabric gets wet the cut will become obvious and dictate how it dries.

          The reason it’s cut wrong is because the factory wanted to save money on fabric and made use of bits that would otherwise have been offcuts.

          1. This makes so much sense.

          2. And because they cut big stacks of fabric at once so inevitably the pieces at the bottom get off center. I definitely return clothes for being cut off grain.

    2. Congrats on being perfect

       1. Yeah it came across as a bit sanctimonious to me as well. I think pretty much everyone knows a dryer is hard on clothing. However, manufacturers also know the vast majority of their customers are going to use a dryer, so it’s not out of line to complain about quality when something can’t hold up to a normal laundry process.

          1. Agreed.

    3. I think it’s very much a ‘how you were taught’ thing. I grew up in a similar ‘anything you wore outside the house got hung dry’ family and my mom grew up in a working poor family who had MASSIVE drying lines/inside drying racks because the dryer cost money but sunshine and air were free. My husband and son don’t like the ‘crunchy’ feel of line dried clothing so I usually dry their clothing in the dryer but I still line dry almost 80% of my clothing and I agree I very rarely have clothes ‘wear out’ on my before I donate them. That being said – when I lived in apartments even doing my own laundry the washers and driers were just mch harder on clothing so I totally understand the toll industrial machines can take on clothing.

       1. I love the industrial washers in my laundry room because they are so big, can do all my laundry at once! There are two washers and I do a load of lights and load of darks. I do use the delicates cycle, and these are top loading machines, so maybe that helps.

       2. If you throw things in the dryer for just a few minutes, it gets rid of the wrinkles and most of the crunchiness. I do think water quality matters a lot in term of wear on clothes too. I moved from an area with average water to somewhere with really hard water, and with the same machine, I had to switch from washing on delicate cold water to regular warm water with 2x as much soap to get my clothes clean, which has to increase wear even if not putting them in the dryer. I don’t think all of the decrease is quality is due to laundry issues though.

          There’s been huge difference over time in the thickness of shirts and sweaters in particular, and anything thin is especially prone to developing holes or getting misshapen. I’ve had a bunch of sweaters from Banana Republic develop holes or pull badly on the first few wearings, while my athleisure from Old Navy holds up well for years and the mens sweaters from Banana Republic that I bought my husband are much thicker and also hold up much better.

          1. +1 quality has clearly gone downhill unrelated to using a dryer

       3. I think this is probably true. I grew up hanging and have live in Europe twice as an adult so was very used to hanging (and the expectation that clothes really last for years and years).

    4. DH and I have a separate laundry basket for clothes that get hung up to dry (mostly mine). I hang up everything except pajamas and underwear. DH hangs up nice shirts and workout clothes. In a typical week, we have 1 load of clothes to hang up and 1 load of clothes that go in the drier, plus 1 load each for sheets, towels, and our kid’s clothes.

    5. I used to hang dry my nice clothes but then the pandemic happened and I started working 70 hour week, my standards went downhill and now I couldn’t care enough to hang dry anything (except cocktail dresses, which I only wear to weddings). I’ve always had a rule where I don’t buy things that are dry clean or hand wash only – washing machines and dishwashers exist for a reason.

       Even when I did hang dry though it was only a small portion of my wardrobe: living in an apartment means I have 1 drying rack and no clothesline so I always had limited space for hang drying.

       That being said: my issues with quality of clothing are not due to washing and drying; I buy almost exclusively cheap brands (TJ Maxx or Old Navy) and they’ve never come apart at the seam, ripped unexpectedly, etc. My issues are when I go to buy “nicer” clothes that cost 3x what my Old Navy purchases do and yet the quality is no better: cheap feeling fabric, seams not meeting well, loose threads on the edges before ever being worn/washed. If I’m going to wear a poorly made shirt, I’d rather it cost$20 than $75!

    6. I hang dry my t shirts and don’t wash them with anything with zippers—and a lot is quality. My jcrew t shirts get weird necks and sometimes seem shorter while my Duluth ones stay well shaped (sadly the ones I like have been out of stock for awhile). They even feel better, much softer. II have high hopes for vineyard vines—they feel like a better quality knit as well but haven’t owned long enough to confirm.

       1. Srsly. I babied by j crew tee until I realized that it didn’t matter anyway because it looked terrible after six months.

    7. I’m gentler with the clothes I care about more, but have no patience for tshirts constructed so poorly they are warped and misshapen after one wash and dry… following the given care instructions.

    8. I’m the poster from this morning who works full-time, goes to school part time, does triathlons and has a social life so I don’t even have the capacity to sort lights and darks, let alone hang dry t shirts. I hang dry nice items or ones I really care about (maybe 2 items per load) but otherwise it’s all thrown in the dryer together. But honestly, when I was less busy I still had better things to do than sort my clothes. But I’ve learned over the years mt standards are lower than most here.

    9. Ugh. This is because Manufacturers are cutting corners to turn a bigger profit , not because I use a dryer

       1. +1. Thanks for the sanctimony, though! It’s a sad state of affairs when my kid’s $5 t-shirts from Target are better quality than most of the women’s tops I find.

          1. I didn’t read it as sanctimony at all. You don’t have to get offended every time somebody does something differently than you.

             1. Oh no. I am SO SUPERIOR to all y’all because I hang my clothes to dry! Although I’m not that superior because I’m not training for a marathon or working 70 hours a week.

                I was just curious because I do not destroy my clothing at the rates complained about here. The comments about different types of water are interesting, I imagine that does affect fabrics.

       2. Right?! Dryers have been in most American homes since, what, the 1970s? If people are noticing decking quality in the last decade or so it’s not due to an appliance that’s been around for 50 years.

    10. I never use a dryer, and haven’t in the last 20 years. I don’t even own one anymore.

        I have noticed a decline in the qualify of clothes over the past many years. I have t-shirts from the early 90s that I wear regularly around the house, for yard work and for sleep, and I wash them regularly. Many of those 25+-year-old t-shirts are in better shape than the t-shirts I bought in the last 5 years that I only wear socially or for errands or yoga. I wash the old items and new items the same way. If anything, I wash the old items more frequently.

        In addition to t-shirts, I also have many newer items that I’ve had to throw away because of holes or pilling, such as sweaters and blouses. Many older items, I either still have or I donated them when I stopped wearing them regularly. Prior to the last 10 years, I never had to throw out clothes because they looked awful from general wear and washing. That’s new to me. Until recently, I only threw out clothes if I ripped or stained them. Now, things regularly pill or stretch or otherwise look too worn out to wear out of the house, and they’re so thin that I don’t want to demote them to around-the-house wear.

        1. Are you sure that isn’t survivor bias though?

    11. I also do not (or very rarely) put my clothes in the dryer. I started years ago when I lived in a giant apartment building that never seemed to have any available working dryers and I was pleasantly surprised at how long my cheap clothes lasted.

    12. Where do you hang them to dry? Most of my clothes live folded in my closet shelves/dresser because of minimal hanging space, plus i’m not sure theres enough air flow in there even if I had the space. I can’t dry outside because I live in a dusty windy area.

        1. I have a folding drying rack that I put wherever there’s space on laundry day (typically my bedroom, condo dweller here). When not in use it folds up under my dresser. I’ve also been known to hang workout tops and shorts from dresser knobs if there’s only a few items in a load that need to air dry.

11. Disneyheads, help! I have some free time on my trip to California and am thinking about taking the kids to Disneyland. I haven’t planned or booked anything. We’re staying with family nearby, so don’t need hotels. Kids are 5 and 8. I haven’t even to Disney in about 20 years. It feels like there’s a lot of planning involved now. Help, give me the cliffs notes. Thank you!

    1. You may want to repost onto today’s thread as this won’t get many eyes on it. In the current/post-covid times you need both tickets to the park & reservations on the day you want to go, so you may want to check availability for your given date first.

    2. When is your trip? The only advice I have is that tickets actually sell out, so you need to plan at least that much ahead.

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