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Denver bound
Going to Denver for a work trip. Will mostly have downtime in the evening and will possibly have one day to myself to see the sights. I’m not super outdoorsy. Any suggestions of good places to eat and nice places to see scenery (for non-hikers)? I will be staying downtown. Thanks!
Leatty
The Cherry Creek neighborhood has a lot of great restaurants and shops.
Also in Academia
Highly recommend the Unsinkable Molly Brown’s house tour. The whole neighborhood is cute, too, just for walking around.
b
+1000 this is probably my favorite house tour ever (and I am a house tour fanatic)
ArenKay
I love the Denver Art Museum. Lots of good restaurants downtown: Bistro Vendome, Rioja, the new places in Union Station. Denver’s B-Cycle program makes it easy to get to neighborhoods in town. Second Cherry Creek recommendation.
Sydney Bristow
Get chocolate chip cookies at Woody Creek Bakery. There is one at the airport and I think there is one downtown. They are my favorite chocolate chip cookies anywhere.
Anon
If you are going after June 14th, I highly recommend going to Denver Botanical Garden. They will have a glass sculpture exhibit from artist named Dale Chihuly and it will be sculptures lighted at night. It is one of the things that I enjoyed in Denver so much last year when we stopped there returning from Rocky Mountains.
Anonymous
I would take a drive out to the mountains or Boulder, if you have a free day. Even if you are not outdoorsy, it’s cool to drive around the mountains and view the scenery if you are not from the west. You can drive up to Golden Gate Canyon state park and look at the continental divide (maybe pack a lunch), then drive up through route 119 to Boulder to check it out. There are a few small towns like Nederland, but it is mostly driving until you get to Boulder. This would take several hours, so you’d need half a day at least.
Diplomat
I second a drive, even if it’s just to Red Rocks to wander around the amphitheater. If you are looking to drop some cash, beast + bottle is one of my faves, but you can also get good grub and drinks at Steuben’s, Olive & Fitch, or Jonesy’s Eat Bar. The Botanical Garden and Art Museum are both really good recommendations and I second them heartily. If you like the hard stuff, head to Mile High Spirits. If you like beer, go to pretty much any local brewery. There are many.
jumpingjack
I second a visit to Red Rocks. It’s so beautiful (and close to the city). I’m not outdoorsy at all but I love going to the mountains outside Denver – gorgeous and just an hour drive. They are what makes Denver special to someone from the east coast. Breckenridge is a cute small town, about an hour and a half drive from Denver.
Don’t ignore the altitude. It can cause problems. Drink lots of water, and less alcohol than you could typically handle.
b
My best friend has lived in Denver for 6 years, so I’ve been out there a couple times a year every year. LoDo (16th Street) and Larimer Square are fun. Be sure to visit the champagne bar Corridor 44, the antique jewelry place (Victoriana, I think) and the Tattered Cover bookstore. Molly Brown house tour is the best ever, and as the previous commenter said, that entire neighborhood is lovely to walk around. Botanical Gardens are amazing. I’d skip Cherry Creek, it’s mostly just shopping, though there are some good art galleries in Cherry Creek North. There are also tons of craft breweries all over town, find one with a tour and try their flights or samplers.
If you have a full day and the weather is pretty, I can’t recommend enough splurging on a convertible rental, driving the Lariat Loop and stopping at the sights. Ok, a regular car is fine, but it’s extra gorgeous if you can put the top down. I’d leave town a little after 9, and aim to get out to Golden by 10. You’ll start out in Golden – grab a coffee, maybe spend a few minutes in town if there’s anything that catches your eye – and there’s Coors, though personally I skip Coors and head straight to the loop. The railroad museum is cool, Boettcher Mansion is lovely, and Buffalo Bill’s grave is a must-see. Stop along the side of the road where there is rest areas and take pictures. The towns along the loop (Evergreen in particular) are fantastic for strolling through. You’ll also hit Red Rocks near the end, which is really an ethereal place. While it’s only 40 miles, I’ve stretched this excursion into a full 10am-4pm outing. After that, I would head north to Boulder (it’s not a bad drive from Golden, and you’re already out of the city). Even though you’re not super outdoorsy (I didn’t used to be either) there are some super short, easy hikes that pay off with good views, look at the Lichen Loop or Boulder Falls, or for a little longer jaunt, McClintock Trail to the Chautauqua Ranger Cottage. After that, and hit Boulder’s Pearl Street, and maybe some of the local breweries before you head back to Denver.
Here’s the Lariat Loop info:
http://www.coloradodirectory.com/maps/lariat.html
CK
Any good recommendations for a phone headset? Starting a new job where I will be on the phone a lot, from my I phone, working from home. I would like if this is a thing something that blocks out outside noise besides my voice (i know that sounds not possible but figured I’d ask)- i have a dog and would be worried people will hear her in the background. Thanks!
Anonymous
If you’re alone at home, speakerphone is more comfortable than wearing a headset.
Rosie
I agree, and the Jabra puck is fantastic.
Shayla
I have these and really like them. The noise canceling is superb and I haven’t had any trouble taking calls on it or switching from music to a phone call.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00X9KV0HU/ref=s9_dcacsd_bhz_bw_c_x_1
anon
Plantronics is the corporate go-to for headpieces.
thank you?
Good morning Hive,
I’m interested in hearing your thoughts about post-interview thank you notes (or emails).
In the past, I’ve always sent them. I am very comfortably employed but interviewed yesterday with a company that I’m considering moving to. It almost feels desperate for me to send a thank you in this case. Am I reading this completely wrong? What are your personal best practices?
lsw
I always send. I don’t understand why you think it feels desperate “in this case” – they don’t know/care whether you are comfortably employed; is that the only thing keeping you from sending one? I don’t get it.
Opal
Your employment status has nothing to do with showing thanks for someone taking the time to meet with you. Nothing.
thank you?
Well…this company came to me out of nowhere. I did not apply to them or otherwise reach out. I have skills and experience that they very badly need. I took a vacation day to come speak to them about that. I feel that I have expressed a lot of interest and the sacrifice in time was mine. That is why it seems desperate.
Anonymous
So you are basically saying they should be sending you a thank-you note? That’s not how it works, even if they actively recruited you.
Anon2
I don’t get it. If it were a position that you proactively found, would you not have taken a day off, expressed interest, and sacrificed time? I don’t see how that’s desperate.
thank you?
Yes, but presumably in that case I would also be actively looking for employment and much more concerned about securing something. In this case, they are moreso trying to poach me and I don’t think a “thank you” seems appropriate given that I continue to work for one of their direct competitors.
Anonymous
I don’t understand why the fact that you are currently “very comfortably employed” makes a thank-you note seem “desperate.” You should always, always send a thank-you after interviewing, even if the interview made you decide you don’t want the job after all.
Anonymous
If you want to move to that company, don’t you want to make the best impression?
Manhattanite
A legal recruiter I worked with in 2014 for a mid-level law firm job told me not to send thank you notes. She said the only thing they can do is hurt you. I’d say not to send unless you actually have something to say.
Anonymous
That’s specific to law firms though — not true in other industries or even for in house or gov’t law jobs.
Anon
In house here. They only count against candidates for us. No one is penalized for not sending them, no one gets extra credit for sending them – but if you screw it up, send the identical message to everyone individually (we compare), etc., it’s bad.
Godzilla
This is f0cked up. What is wrong with this industry? Good grief.
mascot
Disagree. It takes only a few minutes to send a thank you email. I don’t actually care what you say in the email. As an interviewer, I do appreciate that you acknowledge our meeting. Lawyers are “volun-told” that they need to be available for interviews and that’s not billable time.
CKB
I’m not law. Rarely have I seen a thank you note that had all the details correct. Either a name is misspelled, someone who was in the interview was omitted, or some other error is made. I have hired several people and only one person I hired had sent a thank you. I have not hired people because of thank you notes with careless errors. I feel it’s safer not to send them, and when I was job hunting 1.5 years ago, I never sent one.
anon-oh-no
100% agree with this. I always tell people not to send thank yous because they can only hurt you. I have never once, in all my years of working with the hiring committee, ever considered someone who did not send a thank you any differently. I have, on two occasions, dinged someone because they misspelled something/got something wrong in their thank you note. and FWIW, most of us just delete/throw away the thank you without thinking twice.
Huh?
As someone who used to regularly hire candidates in Big Law, I always appreciated (and frankly, expected) a thank you email. I don’t care about handwritten v. email, and would probably encourage those to email because handwritten letters get lost and hiring decisions are made very quickly.
It’s not that difficult to write a brief, thoughtful thank you note that has the person’s name spelled correctly and has no grammatical mistakes. We’re talking 4-5 sentences, people. The fact that some people made errors in a thank you note is not a reason not to send them. Proofread.
Hollis
+1,000,000. I would prefer to work with someone who expressed appreciation for my time and interest rather someone who didn’t send a note out of fear of making a typo.
Scarlett
Completely agreed, 1000% with both of you.
Send the thank you
Agree also. I am a big law partner who regularly interviews and I do view those who send a thank you more favorably than those who don’t. Spelling and grammar should be correct, but I don’t care if the candidate forgot a detail about what we discussed, or even mentions anything beyond saying thank you for your time. Send by email as decisions are made quickly.
Anonymous
I don’t normally send but not because they can seem desperate. I’ve been told by recruiters they can only hurt (if you strike the wrong tone, misspell someone’s name, make a typo, etc.) and can never help.
Anon
I’m not in law. I’m a senior executive in finance. The top recruiters in my niche advise against thank you notes. “Doesn’t help, can only hurt”
Anon
I think what you’re looking for is more in the vein of a pleasant note.
“I enjoyed meeting with you yesterday and discussed YY opportunity. I look forward to hearing from you when you’ve reached a decision.”
–or similar. You can send a polite note without having to profusely thank them for the opportunity.
Anonymous
I don’t get this at all. You’re thanking the individual(s) you met with for taking time out of their day to meet with you, not the company for giving you the opportunity to interview. How badly you need or don’t need the job has no bearing on how much the people you met had their day disrupted by having to take the time to interview you.
anon8
I follow Ask a Manager’s advice on thank you notes:
http://www.askamanager.org/category/thank-you-notes
crazytalk
Just suck it up and send a note.
Parfait
Would it help you to think of it as a follow-up email instead of a thank-you note? That’s all it really is. Thanks for taking the time to meet with me / it was a pleasure meeting you / and your team / I enjoyed our discussion /was thinking about what you said about topic X and had Y further thoughts / am looking forward to hearing from you as you move forward in the process / sincerely me.
Anon
send please
Skirt length
I like my work skirts to fall no short than just above knee-length. Anywhere from there to just-below-knee looks fine on me. I’m just a hair under 5’6″ and am neither long or short-waisted. What is the shortest skirt length I should bother ordering? I see 21″ on some dresses, which I suspect is too short for me. What’s the minimum? 24? (I am mostly talking about dresses, where the skirt length is measured from natural waist.)
Anonymous
Most dress measurements I see are the total garment length, not from the natural waist. I would not trust a dress measurement “from natural waist” because the waist of the dress isn’t necessarily going to hit exactly at your natural waist, even if you are “average.”
The best thing to do is to measure some dresses and skirts already in your closet. If you want to know the length of a dress from your natural waist, put it on, place a pin at your natural waist, take it off, and measure from pin to hem.
Anon
+1 to Anonymous. Measure stuff you have and like. I’m 5-8 and I like my skirt/dress to just cover my kneecap, and I need a 26 inch skirt or a 41 inch dress to make that happen.
Bonnie
It really depends on your body. Take a skirt that fits you well and measure it.
anon
+1000. Some people have a long torso, others long legs. You will have to do some measurements if you have specific needs.
Skirt length
OMG, I was just looking for a general guideline for what was not likely to be too short for me, not some specially tailored me-specific perfect length.
A+ overthinking here.
Anonymous
39″
Kate
Um, what? It’s too much trouble to measure something you already own, but not too much trouble to ask strangers on the Internet who have never seen you?
anon
Are you really complaining that the people who took the time to answer you gave you specific and helpful advice?
Parfait
OMG bodies vary tremendously! I have a friend who’s the same height as me but her legs are 4 inches longer than mine. A skirt that hit me at the knee would be well above it on her. Just go measure something that fits you well.
CountC
There isn’t one. A 39″ on someone who is as tall as you but with a completely different body shape will hit you at a different place. Good grief.
Anonymous
You’re a crappy person, OP.
a
You’re a crappy person, OP.
Anon
http://www.sizechart.com/dress/dress-length/
anon
Any recs for somewhere to buy a pretty frame in Center City Philadelphia? I’m flying to Cali tonight for a family reunion and totally forgot to get my stepmom a mother’s day gift. I have a photo ready to go, just need to get a pretty frame, but hardly have any time today to look around. I would go up to Marshalls/Century 21 if I had time, but I need somewhere near Rittenhouse or Wash West. Willing to pay ~$30. Thanks!
RE associate
Anthropologie by Rittenhouse Square? Open House on 13th? My go to shop is Frame Fatale (she has an awesome blog) but it’s in East Passyunk
Anonymous
Isn’t there an Anthro at Rittenhouse Sq?
Monica
+1. 18th and Walnut. There’s also a Paper Source at 16th and Walnut.
shopping help
If you are near Wash West, there are a lot of cute stores on 13th Street.
Bette
+1 I’d go to Verde or Open House. I got some beautiful frames from them two years ago.
Another benefit is they that are owned by a small, local, woman-owned business.
Cat
Could also try Nordstrom Rack at 17th and Chestnut or the card shop (Papyrus maybe?) on 17th just south of Walnut.
PEN
Anyone tried lipsense? I generally avoid MLMs like the plague, but my sister gave me some for my birthday and I (to my surprise) really like it. Wondering if anyone has any favorite colors to recommend–specifically subtle colors that are appropriate for a conservative, legal office? The ones I have are ridiculously over the top and not office appropriate.
Anon
As a rule I don’t support MLMs no matter how great the product is.. I find that with some research you can find a comparable (if not better) product without supporting a terrible business practice.
not the OP
congrats on your superior morals, and I’m sure the OP is thankful for the helpful response.
Anon
Ditto. I don’t care how much I like something, if it’s an mlm product I refuse to buy it.
anon-oh-no
I’m generally like you, but a good friend is selling LipSense, and I like to support my friends, so I tried it. I totally love it. I have Napa (a burgundy) and Pink Champagne (a neutral with a bit of shimmer). I wear these the most, and often layer them to make different colors.
I also just got a true red color. I don’t wear red a ton, but when I do, this is awesome. My friend spent a while finding the best red for me, and it stays on all day/night — through dinner, drinks, etc.
Anonymous
I’m getting a lot of schadenfreude from watching the annoying guy in the office repeatedly fail and get reprimanded by our manager the last few days. Oh man it’s great. I don’t even feel bad.
Can't Don't Attitude
I’m having a similar reaction to seeing a supposedly knowledgeable /SME coworker get ripped to shreds by our PM.
Shayla
Similarly, a constantly vocally disgruntled over-confident co-worker has been bragging about his raise to me. He doesn’t realize that I currently make more than him and that I will still make more than him after he gets his raise, because I’m getting a better one.
Ellen
Yay! I love RUCHED sleeve’s! Great pick, Kat!
As for the OP, Grandma Trudy says you should NOT EVER KVELL in your neighbor’s mizery. Why, b/c it can happen to you. I know this advise is generic, but if the shoe is on the other foot, she says it does NOT fit! Yay Grandma Trudy, even tho she is haveing truouble with her dentures!
AIMS
I’d like to get my mom a rosebush or something else she can plant in lieu of regular mother’s day flowers. But I won’t be seeing her on the actual day. Anyone know where I could order something to be delivered in time?
Anon
that’s a lovely idea. I would just call a garden centre in your area and ask if they deliver. I think they probably would be doing that around Mother’s day even if it wasn’t a regular service.
Baconpancakes
If you can’t find somewhere, a lot of regular florists also deliver small rosebushes. I once sent my mom a rosemary bush for Mother’s Day through FTD, and she loved it.
lsw
Heirloom Roses – they currently have a sale for 20% off miniature roses. I don’t know about delivery on Sunday but surely they (or you) could send a note/picture and let your mom know it’s coming.
In the Pink
Jackson & Perkins has solid, tried ad true rose bushes. I would order from them. Then just give her a card with a note in in and maybe a stem of a red, yellow, pink, white rose, whatever you ordered (in terms of color). My Dh did this for me one year as a valentine … best gift ever!
CountC
She may not be able to plant it depending on her climate, but I got my mom a potted Meyer lemon tree one year and she loves it! It has given them lots of lemons and it’s quite fragrant. I ordered mine online from www dot lemoncitrustree dot com.
Hollis
I once bought my mom potted calla lilies from proplants (the plant side of proflowers) and my mom sent me a pic and they looked lovely.
Sydney Bristow
Can anyone recommend a place online to find a letter sized hanging file folder box? I’m looking for something that wouldn’t look out of place under a console table in a living room. Amazon only has one that is ok but not great.
Anon
ikea?
Anonymous
Paper-source?
Sydney Bristow
I can’t believe I’ve never looked at that store before. I want all the pretty things! But alas, I don’t see any file boxes.
Anonymous
The Container Store
Susan
seejanework.com is one of my favorite spots for office supplies. CB2 has a cute grey felt one and you could also check The Container Store.
You might also find something at Target!
Anon
Yep, I’ve seen a couple cute file boxes at Target. I think it was the Nate Berkus line.
Greensleeves
I think Grandin Road has leather ones.
plum
I broke up with my boyfriend 3 months ago…not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t like how he was treating me and he didn’t want to change. I’ve felt so sad since then and missed him like crazy, but had no contact since the breakup (including when he told me he wanted to get together to give me back my stuff…I just told him to leave it at my door even though I really wanted to see him, thanks in part to advice from fellow readers of this s*te). It was so painful not seeing him, but I did it.
Well, overnight last night I got a super long email from him about how he doesn’t know if he’ll ever find anyone as great as me, no one compares to me, he misses me, long list of great things about me…and am I interested in talking?
Immature response: HAHA I totally won the breakup! I mean, I always knew he’d never do better, but now HE knows and admits he’ll never do better. I feel better than I have in months.
Possibly less immature response: I think I am going to write back to him, but not sure what to say. I still miss him a lot and do want to talk to him, but not unless he makes the changes he wouldn’t make before that caused us to break up. Maybe I’ll just say that.
Anyway, just wanted to share my victorious feelings here (since I certainly whined about my breakup-sadness before) and see if anyone has any advice about whether/how to respond. No matter what comes after, though, getting that email made me feel really good.
anon
Good for you! I would caution you about writing back to him- I would not have any contact until you’re over him enough that nothing he says or does might prompt you to make a bad decision or stir old emotions.
plum
Thanks! Err, yeah, probably not over him to that extent yet. Still in the phase where after going on a promising date, I compare the new guy to my ex instead of just being excited about new guy.
Jen
You may not really be ready to date yet if you’re having these feelings.
Anon
Email should say that he has to make the changes first and then you might be willing to take. Have a friend read it before you send it.
Anon
take = talk
plum
The difficulty is that the needed changes are in the ways he related/relates to me, not general things outside of the context of interactions between us. So in a way there can’t be evidence of these changes other than that he agrees he needs to make them if we talk again.
Other than maybe going to therapy (which I think he should do). Can you really demand that another person go to therapy? Doesn’t the lightbulb have to want to change?
Haha, I have this tough friend who is very mad at him over his pre-breakup behavior. She will be the perfect person to read the email.
Anon
You can totally tell him that you think he needs try therapy for a certain issue or communication pattern. Going to therapy (even one initial session) would be the willingness to change effort you would want to see from him before going to meet him.
plum
Thanks…I think that might make a lot of sense.
Opal
Yes, but be careful in your wording. Don’t let him think going to therapy once/showing a willingness to change effort is equal to getting back together. Even by doing these things you don’t/wouldn’t “owe” him anything, which I assume you know but make sure he understands fully.
Opal
PS – FWIW I don’t think you should contact him at all (seconding a lot of what others have said on the chain), but I just wanted to clarify that if you did approach him with this logic/suggestion, to do so very carefully.
plum
Thanks, Opal. Yes, willingness to change is not enough, but would definitely be necessary.
BeenThatGuy
I say write him back and get together. You said you’re “sad and missed him like crazy”. Maybe being without you has motivated him to be willing to change. If you get back together and he doesn’t/hasn’t changed, then you walk. I’m always pulling for love and there’s nothing wrong with giving it another shot.
Aunt Jamesina
But he didn’t treat her well! OP, ignore this email and feel happy he won’t do better.
Anondc
+1000
I dont think BeenThatGuy read the same post we did…
There are too many people in this world to settle for someone that doesn’t treat you well! It would be a different thing if he acknowledged in his email that he shouldn’t have treated you badly/understood what he did wrong and wanted to change.
Sounds like hes sweet talking her via email! Dont fall for it!!
Anonymous
Yeah, my lizard brain wants to do exactly that, but if I just go back to him without him demonstrating that he has changed, I think it is just delaying the inevitable.
First Year Anon
I feel like my advice would depend on what you mean by ‘how he was treating me’. There are some things that a minor or major, fixable or not-fixable. I have had many ex’s come back and say similar things then when push comes to shove they are still the same person and are unwilling to change.
plum
Just posted this below to someone else saying something similar, but: if the things are fixable, they would need a lot of work. They certainly aren’t fixable if he’s not trying (and he wasn’t, so we broke up).
As for the specifics, I’d say it boils down to him not being able to separate real problems from temporary or imaginary ones. He would have a stomachache or insomnia, and unable to sleep at 5am, would freak out about whether he was happy in the relationship…but then after he felt better/calmed down he realized those fears were basically imaginary. But something like that happened once a month–way too many ups and downs. And he couldn’t understand that for me it was really devastating to have someone say “I’m not sure if I love you” just because he was hangry and unable to separate our relationship from his current state. It was about “here is how I am feeling RIGHT NOW and I need to tell you RIGHT NOW.”
Killer Kitten Heels
So, here’s the thing – what you’re describing is not “behaviors specific to how he related to me,” what you’re describing is “fundamental inability to correctly identify the source of his discomfort, and lashing out at the nearest ‘safe’ person instead of figuring out whether he’s unhappy in his relationship or just needs to eat a sandwich.” He’s basically taking his own bad feels and getting rid of them by depositing them on the nearest willing target (you, when you were dating). That’s not a communication problem, that’s a fundamental “inability to manage own feelings” problem. It’s also a HUGE problem. Stay away. Stay far, far away.
Senior Attorney
Boy, no kidding.
And also super super abusive. As I said below, in my view relationships stand or fall on their worst moments and this is just not okay in any universe.
plum
Thanks, KKH. He definitely has an inability to manage own feelings problem. And it is a huge thing.
Killer Kitten Heels
You’re welcome, plum. Also, check out CaptainAwkward[dot]com, particularly her “darth vader” tag – I think you have what that site would call a “Darth Vader” ex on your hands, and I think it would help you stay strong to read through her archives about it.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t respond, honestly. When an ex-boyfriend said similar things to me, he just wanted s*x. You already know he treated you badly, don’t let him do it again.
Baconpancakes
I missed your original post – can you give some examples of how you didn’t like how he was treating you? If it’s stuff like, “He didn’t get me anything for my birthday,” and “he leaves the dishes undone and I have to do them,” those are fixable things. If it’s stuff like, “he dismisses my opinions and mansplains to me” that is probably not fixable. This would make a big difference in my advice here.
plum
If the things are fixable, they would need a lot of work. They certainly aren’t fixable if he’s not trying (and he wasn’t, so we broke up).
As for the specifics, I’d say it boils down to him not being able to separate real problems from temporary or imaginary ones. He would have a stomachache or insomnia, and unable to sleep at 5am, would freak out about whether he was happy in the relationship…but then after he felt better/calmed down he realized those fears were basically imaginary. But something like that happened once a month–way too many ups and downs. And he couldn’t understand that for me it was really devastating to have someone say “I’m not sure if I love you” just because he was hangry and unable to separate our relationship from his current state. It was about “here is how I am feeling RIGHT NOW and I need to tell you RIGHT NOW.”
ArenKay
I have to say that this sounds like him yanking your chain; it’s just not hard to imagine that someone you say you love would be distressed by you repeatedly saying “I’m not sure if I love you” because he happens to be hungry. If you told him it bothered you before and he did nothing, that suggests a pretty basic insensitivity, which is a character fault and can’t be fixed by therapy. I suspect he wants you back because he’s lonely, and nothing would change. Don’t reply would be my recommendation. You can do better–and being alone would be better than being with someone who’s so dismissive of your feelings.
plum
Yes, he has a “pretty basic insensitivity” for sure. Probably a touch of Aspergers though not diagnosed. I can tell you for sure he didn’t “mean” to upset me with comments like that, but he has a hard time seeing past his own panic/emotions/whatever at times like that.
ArenKay
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you are spending way more emotional time on him than he is on you, is my guess. Look at your replies throughout this thread; you are making excuses and justifications for his treatment of you. That won’t change if you get back together with him, would be my guess. I hear you when you say you loved him more than anyone else you’ve dated, but that doesn’t mean this is a good relationship for you. Even if he doesn’t “mean” to hurt you, he did. Regularly, and didn’t do anything about it when you told him. I think that tells you all you need to know.
plum
Yeah, I fear you are right in everything you say here.
Parent of an Aspie
Re “probably a touch of Aspergers though not diagnosed:” I feel sad when people use this trait to explain why they can’t sustain an intimate, lasting relationship with someone who has Asperger’s. Is it possible that the benefits of being with this person outweigh the negatives? Is he ignoring your needs because of his deliberate choice or because that’s the way his brain works? Or am I overreacting because I hope that my child will finds a partner rather than go through life alone? (If my child is happy being single, I will accept that choice!) /rant
Re what to do: You’re the only person who really knows whether or not you want a second chance with this person. I agree with the suggestions for you to go slow and be really, really clear in own mind and in your reply e-mail about what you want him to do. That doesn’t mean he gets only one chance or one hour to prove himself worthy…but you don’t want him thinking “no need to change, we can just go on from where we left off” either unless that’s exactly the message you want to send. Good luck.
plum
There are absolutely some huge positives as well as some huge negatives about being with him. And I don’t think he is making a deliberate choice to hurt me and ignore my needs–if I thought that, it would have been much easier to let go of him. It doesn’t change the result that I have been hurt and my feelings have been ignored, though.
TO Lawyer
Personally, I wouldn’t respond. You’ve made so much great progress in 3 months! I would be worried that talking to him again would set you back. Life is way too short to be with someone who doesn’t treat you well. There will be someone else who will treat you better.
Being sad and missing someone is normal after a relationship but isn’t a reason to get back together IMO. I’m also about 6 weeks post-breakup and I’m realizing that I deserve much more than I’ve let myself accept in past relationships and it does get so much better.
plum
Honestly, even getting the email has set me back in that regard (even though it really, really made me feel better).
I’m sure there will be people who treat me better, but I’ve never loved anyone like that, and I’m not sure it will happen again. Friends say “of course it will,” but that’s the only time I’ve felt like that in 15 years of adult dating, so…
Scarlett
FWIW, I wasted years of my life trying to be with someone who was “almost perfect but not quite” – lots of breaking up, getting back together, rinse, repeat. I stayed in for a lot of reasons, probably similar to you – scared of not finding someone else, worried I was being too picky, thought he could change with time, thought that’s how relationships were (everyone’s got issues and you deal), etc. Finally ended things & it took a couple of years, but then I met my husband and I am so grateful that I ended things with the other guy. H is my “f-yea” guy and it’s totally worth not settling for anything less than that. While there’s no guarantee that you meet your f-yea guy, I really think it’s worth trying for it & not settling for something that you already know doesn’t work.
Senior Attorney
Me personally, I would rather be treated decently than have All Teh Dramatic Feels for somebody who is horrible to me on a regular basis.
And guess what? Your friends are right. It is possible to have find the f-yeah guy who provides both.
plum
Thanks to both of you…yes, I am going for the f-yeah guy. I hope I find him.
Susan
Congratulations on winning your breakup! Revel in your dominance and drink a hearty toast to the destruction of your enemy!!
Now, take a deep breath so your whole being remembers what that glorious feeling feels like and …
Don’t talk to him, don’t open the door a crack for him and do not get back together with him. Even in the best of circumstances where both people are really committed to each other and working really, really hard at the relationship, change is HARD.
You didn’t like how he was treating you, he (presumably knew) that he was hurting you and he didn’t want to change. This is very, very different from say, you’re a planner and he’s procrastinator and the different approaches cause a lot of conflict when you’re trying to plan a vacation. That’s a communication/personality style difference and it can be negotiated in a way that both parties respect each other’s approach while also maybe stretching their comfort zone a little. After maybe a couple years of therapy!
From what you’ve said (and I apologize, I don’t know the history you might have posted about previously), your ex is not thoughtful about your feelings and not interested in changing. In the misery that is a break-up, he cares and he’s trying to bargain his way back to comfort, but in the every day? It’s not worth it.
Go get your tough friend and take your victorious self out to celebrate. Leave that loser in the dust where he belongs. You deserve a winner!
Senior Attorney
This, this, this.
The ONLY circumstance under which you should even consider contacting him would be if he wrote you something like “I now see that it was totally unacceptable for me to [discount your feelings/yell at you/be inconsiderate in bed in these specific ways/refuse to address the following specific issues that you raised with me]. I have taken [insert specifics] steps to address the issue and henceforth I will do [specific things that would improve the situation]. I know talk is cheap but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it right and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you will give me a chance.”
It’s not enough that he now appreciates your greatness. He needs to change his own behavior and I don’t see any indication that he realizes that.
So just walk on by…
plum
You make a very good point…though the email was very long, I don’t see an indication that he knows he needs to change his own behavior. I mean, pointing that out would be a part of any theoretical response I made, but there was not a paragraph remotely resembling the one you wrote there.
PS I followed your story and am really happy for you, internet stranger though you are.
Parfait
I agree with Senior Attorney yet again. He didn’t apologize or acknowledge anything about what he may have done wrong? Then no.
plum
Thanks, Susan! You are making me victorious all over again.
Your assumption about the situation is correct. He was not thoughtful about my feelings and not consistently interested in changing. That is, when he was feeling okay, he would often agree with what I said and try to do better, but the next time he was feeling bad, those intentions seemed to disappear.
Tough friend and I have a date already (though she’s pregnant, which puts a slight damper on the festivities).
plum
feel victorious, I meant.
Susan
In my experience, few humans can party harder than a pregnant lady. Plus, you have a designated driver!
AnonA
Agree with Susan, Senior Attorney, et al – his behavior raises red flags. (Possible personality disorder?) At any rate, living with the ups and downs of his changing moods is too stressful to sustain, and I have my doubts about whether most people who are like that can change – and maintain that change – even if they are fully aware that there is a problem with subjecting the person they love to their erratic behavior.
You deserve peace in your personal life. You are getting there. Keep going and let this guy slide on by!
plum
“living with the ups and downs of his changing moods is too stressful to sustain” = 1000 times yes. I just couldn’t put myself through it.
I don’t know much about personality disorders, but something is obviously wrong.
Anon
bipolar?
Godzilla
Totally agree with Susan. LET OUT A RAWR OF VICTORY!!!!
plum
RAWR and also I stomped on his house.
Senior Attorney
And also? I got a long email like that from my now-former husband right after I filed for divorce. I responded, but only to gently but firmly reiterate that it was over and there was no going back, and then I didn’t respond to any further overtures. It was totally the right move and now I am engaged to the most lovely man on the planet and shaking my head over how I could have wasted so much time with somebody who didn’t treat me right.
Delta Dawn
Agree with the above suggestions not to contact him. One major point to consider is your first reaction when you got the email. You mentioned your reaction was that you “won the breakup.” It’s absolutely fine that you reacted that way (and yes, you did win the breakup!), but notice that you didn’t first react with relief that the love of your life has seen the error of his ways, or happiness that this irreplaceable person has finally apologized. Your first reaction was that you won and he lost.
You did win, beacause you are free of whatever bad things he was doing. And he did lose, because he lost you. But would that have been your first reaction if you really, truly wanted to be with him? Maybe not. Anecdata, but I was in this same situation, and I got back together with a guy after I dumped him (he saw the light, he had changed, etc). Soon thereafter, I found out that he only wanted to get back together so HE could dump ME instead. Which he did. Hopefully your ex is not that type of psychopath, but I would question whether or not you really want to be with him in the first place.
plum
Well, my first first reaction was to cry because I missed him…but I fast-forwarded over that in my post!
I do want to be with him, but I don’t know that it would work out better the second time than it did the first.
Uggh, what a psychopath! I’m sorry he did that, but glad you got away in the end.
Senior Attorney
No, you KNOW that it would NOT work out better the second time. No “don’t know” about it.
Be strong.
plum
Okay, okay, I admit it. Taking the high road has led to me feeling pretty miserable for the past few months (until this email anyway). Still waiting to feel good about being strong.
Senior Attorney
It just takes a while. Remember, your job right now is to break the attachment. The only way out is through…
Senior Attorney
Coming back to say I felt horrible — like, waking-up-crying-every-morning horrible — for at least six months after I left my husband, even though I knew for certain it was the right thing to do and even though on some level things were better from the moment I left. It’s just hard and a huge shock to the system and it takes a long time. But it’s super worth it.
plum
Thanks, SA. This job is no fun, but I guess somebody’s gotta do it.
Senior Attorney
If it were easy, everybody would do it…
Blonde Lawyer
I feel like no response at all will let him think he still has a chance and will welcome further future emails. I would reply (after having a friend screen it) that says something like “Thank you for telling me how you feel but it’s best if we both move on with our lives.” Then you can ignore anything else that comes in with impunity.
What did he end up doing with your stuff just out of curiosity?
plum
Thanks. I told him to just leave it in the lobby of my building during a time window when I wouldn’t be home, and he did (and we had no contact at all since that text, over a month ago). In the end, the sight of all my stuff that I used to wear/use at his place made me so sad that I had to hide it all in my closet so I didn’t see it all the time.
cbackson
I’m so glad you didn’t meet him. I k now this is REALLY REALLY HARD, but it’s for the best. It *will* get better. This period *will* be over some day. And you’ll be so, so glad because you’ll be in a better place.
Senior Attorney
I’m all over this thread, but can’t resist one more thing: It took me three tries to leave my marriage. And after I went back the first two times, I would look back and think “Wow. If I hadn’t come back I would be well into my new life now.” And once I finally left I was so, so, so happy to be out (even though I cried for six months) that I still kicked myself for taking such a long time.
If you go back now, all of the pain you’ve experienced over the last three months will be for nothing. Don’t let that happen. Be strong.
plum
Thanks for the support. I really hope so!
Anonymous
You totally won! By responding, you’re opening the door for the possibility of not winning after all.
Anon
I’m married to my second husband. I’m in my 50s. As with all humans, both of them had good points and bad points. You learn to accept the trade off, and hope the good outweighs the bad.
Unfortunately it has been my experience in both relationships and a LTR in between that the good stuff is dating/courting behavior and the bad stuff is fundamental. I love my husband but when I fell in love with him it was his fun, happy, creative personality I loved. The trade off was that his other primary mood was grumpy, complaining and critical. The longer we are togeher, the less effort he makes toward being on the good behavior, and is his default grumpy self most of the time now.
Your guy is doing all the right things, all the “good” behaviors right now because he is lonely/horny/repentant, but if his true nature is to be the neurotic insomniac who constantly questions whether you are good enough, remind yourself that is the true person you would be living with if you get back together. Remember those moments, not just the good stuff, and ask yourself if you really don’t deserve more.
Senior Attorney
Oh my gosh, this is so wise! SO WISE!!
This is also right in line with one of my things, which is “the relationship stands or falls on its bad moments.” If the bad moments are really bad, there aren’t enough good moments to make up for them.
plum
Thanks. And, disturbingly, I think “neurotic insomniac who constantly questions whether you are good enough” may be the most apt short description of this man that has ever been coined.
ArenKay
And isn’t that apt description helpful for you in getting over him? Maybe embroider it on a pillow, or write it on a Post-It to consult when you are sad. You definitely deserve better than that.
plum
Worst…pillow…ever. :)
Jen
But honestly…CBT, in the form of a post-it note with a mantra on it such as “Never look back” might actually be helpful here. I have a couple of those on my bathroom mirror for myself. The most helpful one is the one that says simply “BREATHE.”
I find that every time I look at it, I’ve been holding my breath, unintentionally making things worse for myself. Just taking a deep breath brings me back to center and allows me to set aside the irrational or the emotional, and get back to what I know is the best course. This might help you, too.
Pls style me an outfit for this dress
This is the dress of my dreams. I got a bonus (enough to cover this, after taxes) and really want to pull the trigger on it:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/boss-danyka-belted-stretch-wool-sheath-dress/4345004?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GREY%20MELANGE
I am just concerned that I will be too cold in it at work (too much A/C). Can anyone suggest a jacket / cardigan / other thing (MM jardigan?) to wear with it? I have too many dresses that “outfit” well (if that is a verb). But I do so love this . . .
emeralds
I think that’s a beautiful basic that will go with anything, and I don’t see why you couldn’t wear the black jacket or cardigan of your choice over it. I think it would also look lovely with camel or cream.
Bonnie
In slightly different coloring, it’s on sale at saks. http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?PRODUCTprd_id=845524446931509&site_refer=AFF001&mid=13816&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-2RfzGQKYQ2J6ghn0kcGbeQ&LSoid=421043&LSlinkid=15&LScreativeid=400089199070
I actually like the more subdued collar and think it makes it more wearable.
Idea
This is beautiful.
The only thing I would add is RED shoes and RED handbag and RED lipstick, and some small but shiny earrings.
Navy would also work, to be more understated.
Do these work?
Has anyone tried pro bio tics? (Please excuse the weird formatting– moderation keeps eating this, so I’m getting creative.) I have heard from a few different people that they rely on pro bio tics for generally feeling better, clearing up allergies, etc. Specifically, I’ve heard a few moms say they use them for their kids to help with digestion and allergies. Is this real, or just another MLM headache? Unfortunately, a lot of the people who say they do this are the same people who say essential oils are better than medicine, and I can’t quite take that seriously.
anonbecauseembarrasing
After a course of antibiotics killed my intestinal fauna (maybe also flora?) and caused massive diarrhea my dr. recommended yogurt. After two days of eating nothing but yogurt I felt a lot better. My point is that my digestive situation was pretty severe but was fixed with yogurt. A special pro-biotic was unnecessary. I can’t speak to allergies though.
pugsnbourbon
Did something similar accidentally – I had gum surgery last year and spent a week eating yogurt and those veggie baby food pouches. Once I’d healed up, I noticed a definite, welcome change in my bathroom needs.
I am anti-MLM and essential oils are nice-smelling bunk. Regular yogurt from the grocery store did the trick for me.
Cb
I don’t take specific pills but I think there is something to be said for it. I used to buy raw milk yoghurt at the farmer’s market when I was living in Belgium and my stomach never felt better – I had an otherwise fairly veg heavy / healthy diet (+ Belgian waffles on the regular). I currently take digestive enzymes and they seem to help.
Clementine
Probiotics are awesome. They genuinely do help your gut and I have noticed that they really helped my kid with gas issues and regularity.
They’re not going to cure autism or magically make you never ever get sick, but they’re worth it to me. They help me feel less bloated and keep the digestive system running efficiently. They also are very effective at preventing y. East issues in both me and baby.
I buy mine at the co-op in the cooler- Udo’s Choice, I think?
Clementine
I used to just do tons of kefir and yogurt, but the pills are a nice easy way to get probiotics if I want to skip my morning smoothie
Anon
My husband is a government microbiologist. Human digestion is not his specialty but he has told me that it’s pretty widely recognized among microbiologists that gut biota (balance of good bacteria and bad bacteria in the intestines) are vastly underestimated in importance. I eat activia every day and give the kids yoghurt regularly and we give our kids pro-biotics when they are on anti-biotics.
You 100% do NOT need anything related to MLM. You can just eat yoghurt/kefir or buy a probiotic supplement at the drugstore/grocery store – usually in the multivitamin section.
Anon100
+1, last time I needed probiotic pills I bought them at Safeway. I don’t know if it’s proven, but it’s probably better to maintain your gut bacteria by eating foods that have active cultures in them than taking pills.
Anonymous
I took them when I had a serious antibiotic-related intestinal illness (that I was also seeking conventional medical treatment for). I’m not sure how much good they did, but next time I have to have antibiotics I will take them along with the antibiotics in hopes of preventing the illness I had last time. I also take them when traveling in countries where you’re not supposed to drink the water, in hopes of avoiding getting a GI illness from bad sanitary practices. Again, no idea what good they do, but it can’t hurt. I don’t take them regularly though and would be hesitant to because of the cost – those things aren’t cheap!
Anon100
Curious – are you talking about a brand specifically or just eating them in fermented foods or yogurt with active cultures, etc? I don’t eat fermented foods/take pills consistently but after a while when my stomach feels unsettled, popping a probiotics pill after dinner makes me feel better the next day.
OP
I don’t know any specific brands, and I would be more inclined to just eat them in yogurt. I’m in a couple of mom-groups (which are sometimes helpful and sometimes make me want to punch a wall, but that’s another post), and I think some of those people are MLM-selling, so they go a little further than just yogurt. I don’t know their brands, though. But they’re the same people whose kids “never get sick,” and I’d love for my kid to never get sick….
Anonymous
I don’t go a day without taking them. A few years ago, I had a life-threatening infectious disease (think MRSA). I was on 3 IV antibiotics a day for 12 weeks. My ID doctor had me on double the normal dose of pro bi otics and I never once had stomach issues or a yeast infection. Fast forward to today, I still take a normal dose everyday. My belly has never felt better.
Anonymous
I’m glad you’re ok and that you find probiotics helpful, but IV antibiotics are way less likely to cause a stomach issue than oral antibiotics. If it goes directly into your bloodstream, it’s not passing through your gut and killing all the bacteria – both good and bad – there, which is the problem with oral antibiotics.
Fwiw
Although I fully understand that logic, when you’re on high-dose antibiotics- iv or oral- it’s like an atom bomb. With something like MRSA or sepsis, they end up wiping out just about everything. It’s brutal on your system.
There’s also nothing like adding insult to injury when you’re hospitalized, on massive antibiotics and despite taking probiotics end up with a yeast infection plus antibiotic related diarrhea that ‘we just need to be safe and check for cdiff’.
Would not recommend to a friend.
H
I definitely notice a difference when I take probiotics and when I don’t. My stomach feels so much better. I just buy it in pill form from the grocery store (the refrigerated kind), so no MLM. I take it after dinner and it really helps with digestion before bedtime.
Emmer
Kombucha is also a great source of probiotics!
Anonymous
So is raw sauerkraut! I usually just have a few bits before dinner, delicious and full of good bacteria!
Anonymous
There is some early (animal research) that specifically adjusting the bacterial profile in the gut can address some allergies (like peanuts), but I dont think the science has made the jump to humans yet. It may also be that some of the benefits with be available via fecal transplant, rather than probiotic form.
Yep
Our toddler and I both take probiotics daily. For me, they REALLY help with lactose intolerance. For the kiddo, they’ve stopped his chronic diarrhea.
CMC
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/04/sonnenburg-family-stomach-bacteria.html#
I really enjoyed this article; the take-away for me was that, if the goal is a healthy microbiome, adding probiotics might be good, but adding tons more fiber is better.
Miz Swizz
I have digestive issues and I take a probiotic pill in the morning and a fiber gummy at night. I find that my system runs better when I’m consistent in taking both and I get the probiotic at CostCo (TruNature) and the gummies at Walmart (Fiber Advance). The probiotics routinely go on sale and are dairy, soy and gluten free. I don’t love shopping at Walmart but the Fiber Advance are the only gummies I’ve found that don’t have sucralose, which disagrees with me. I won’t say that I’m never sick but they’ve been hugely helpful in decreasing my issues.
Midwest Mama
I had stomach issues most of last year – gas, bloating, general yuck feeling especially after eating. My dr finally diagnosed me with general IBS and suggested a daily probiotic. I’m not sure if it’s specifically due to those, but I do feel better these days. I was hopeful I would be someone for whom they would also improve my immune system, but alas, I was sick several times last winter.
Anon
VSL 3 totally changed my life. I had tons of stomach issues. Its a powder that must be refrigerated and you mix it into something like yogurt. My doctor wrote a prescription for it but i think techinically you can buy it OTC, but my pharmacy had to order it in. Its much much higher dose than you would get from something like Goodbelly. Highly suggest it.
Zelda
Love probiotics! I definitely feel a difference in my overall health when I take them. Not in a “curing cancer” kind of way but “I feel good” way. I’m not always consistent, but my routine has included pills (bought refrigerated), yogurt, kefir, and probiotic coconut water/juice (available at health stores/whole foods near the kefir). I’ll usually add one of those to my smoothie or just drink a glass in the morning.
In House Lobbyist
I take Culturelle and I give it to my kids on occasion. I buy it from Amazon or Target. As I have gotten older I find that eating out (which is a big part of my job) does not make my stomach happy. I feel a lot better taking the probiotics and notice a difference when I take them.
I've got a fever
Last night the drugstore stick thermometer I bought in college registered a temperature of 94.6. So it is time I bought a new one. Amazon brought me straight to forehead scanning ones. Are these a thing now? I don’t have kids and use one maybe once or twice a year. Are the ear ones not considered good anymore?
Anon
Forehead ones are not very accurate. They are basically only useful for reassuring parents of sleeping children that the fever has broken – saves having to wake up a grumpy sick child to check their temp.
Get a basic under the tongue one.
WestCoast Lawyer
Every time I have taken my kids to the doctor for the last 5+ years they have used a forehead thermometer, including at the pre-op appointment when my 6 month old went in for surgery to make sure she wasn’t sick. While I was initially skeptical, and am not sure the ones they sell in the drugstore are exactly the same, I wouldn’t discount the technology entirely.
Anonymous
I have an ear one (Braun?) that is at least five years old and going strong. I always thought ear was more accurate than anything else.
CKB
My Braun ear thermometer is about 15 years old and still works fantastically. I love it and will absolutely buy another when this one bites the dust. I have 3 kids but we are a very healthy family so it doesn’t get a ton of use. But the speed & accuracy cannot be beat. Hospitals generally use ear thermometers as well.
lost academic
Nope, they are less accurate than oral ones it turns out! But sometimes you need a faster read.
Blonde Lawyer
If you are planning on having kids in the next 10 years you can get one that is good for taking your BBT. In case you didn’t know (I didn’t until my friends started having babies) you can test if you have ovulated by taking your temp at the same time every morning. The spike is usually a day or two after you ovulated. A good BBT thermometer is very similar to a digital oral thermometer but usually has a bigger read out and lit up display to make first thing in the morning temperature taking easier.
Aunt Jamesina
BBTs also read to the hundreths rather than just tenths of a degree.
Life
I have been disappointed over time with all types of thermometers.
I discovered these when my father was in the hospital. They are starting to use them in hospitals.
Simple. Easy. Cheap. Perfect. And you can buy on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Tempa-dot-Disposable-Thermometer-Sterile-Count/dp/B0008GCVSA
Abbie
Can anyone recommend a book(s) for tips or advice for increasing social confidence? I am young (less than 6 years professional experience) and trying to become better at meeting new people at conferences, community meetings, etc. My husband and I also own a small business, and he normally takes the lead on getting to know other business owners at community events. I WANT to become better at this to not only help our business but my own professional career as well. Thanks in advance!
Susan
Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a classic, for a good reason. It’s a slight departure from your specific ask, but if you’re interested in networking in general, I think Keith Ferrazzi’s book “Never Eat Alone” is terrific. Otherwise, it’s really just about practice. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get.
Don’t focus on the crowd … narrow down your focus to one person at a time. If you’re going to a conference or something where you know ahead of time who’s going to be there, pick a few people you want to meet and look them up on LinkedIn or something ahead of time. Pick out something from their bio, or a news tidbit about their business and have a conversation starter ready. For a small business owner it could be something as simple as, “My friend X stopped in at your store and tried your seasonal cupcake! She said it was amazing. How did you choose that combo?” Or, “I love your logo. Did you work with someone local to design it?”
Another great thing to do is volunteer in your community and take on leadership responsibilities, or join Toastmasters!
anon
I’m probably about your age or a little younger and VERY introverted. I do my best to attend most social functions to which I’m invited, even though I generally don’t enjoy parties and things like that. The way I look at it, I’m practicing those social skills. I read a little bit here and there about how to make small talk, and then I go practice. I’ve actually become pretty good at social things, so I second Susan’s statement that it’s about practice.
E
Looking for some advice:
I own my house, while my boyfriend rents an apartment. We’ve been talking about moving in together, so obviously he would move in with me. How do I figure out what’s a reasonable amount of money he should pay in rent…? I don’t think it would be fair to me if he were to live there rent free obviously, but I’m not sure how to approach what an appropriate amount is. Or whether to formalize it in any way.
Runner 5
Could he handle the bills and you the mortgage?
Anonymous
Well, I think what’s reasonable depends on what you want. Some people would let their BF move in and pay no rent. Some people would charge market rent. Pick something in between those extremes that you’re both comfortable with. Personally, I’d be inclined to charge close to market rent, although if market rent was more than half my mortgage payment I would probably just suggest we split the mortgage payment.
And yes, I think if he’s paying rent it’s generally a good idea to formalize it, but you might have generous terms than in a typical lease, e.g., if you break up, he can move out immediately with no notice to you and no future rent obligations.
Jelly
My boyfriend and I do this but I am the “renter” and he is the owner in our situation. I pay the equivalent of half the mortgage and half of utility costs (not including utilities that are specific to him – he has a lot of fancy sports cable packages that I couldn’t care less about).
In our case my contribution ends up being significantly less than market value because a large chunk of the mortgage is already paid off. Maybe a conversation about what he pays now/comfortably works for this budget is a good place to start?
Our system is not very formal (nothing is in writing), but we agreed to the amount and I make it a point to pay on time every month. We also have agreed that he pays for anything that adds to/maintains the value of the house.
This is what works for us, hope it’s helpful! Congrats on the impending move in! It’s an exciting step!
Emmabean
Half of whatever it costs you to live in your house? Half the mortgage, utilities, etc etc? I’d at least consider this a starting point, and then if one of you makes radically more than than the other, maybe adjust a bit.
Baconpancakes
I’m not so sure on paying half your mortgage – it just feels weird to me that he’ll be contributing to your equity, unless you’re married/engaged. How much is he paying in rent/living expenses right now? What’s the total amount the two of you are paying for your individual living situations? Probably less than what you’ll be paying by living separately, right? I’m of the school of one person paying for utilities and housing costs (groceries, cable, water, heat, etc), with the other person just paying their mortgage, taxes, and housing maintenance like they would be if the other person wasn’t living there. It might not be down the middle, but it’s still overall cheaper for everyone, and the person building equity on their house isn’t doing so at the expense of their non-legally-committed significant other.
E
This is what I have been struggling with — his current rent is close to half of my mortgage (he lives much further from the city center and in a one bedroom apartment, whereas I own a 2:2 house a few miles from the downtown area), so it feels to me like if I asked him to pay half that would be too much. I’m building equity here and he isn’t. But I’m not willing to just ask him to pay utilities because that feels unfair to me.
My sister suggested half of his current rent + half of the utilities. That feels more right to me.
Sarabeth
I’d go somewhere in between those two numbers. Sounds like he’s getting a significant upgrade in housing, so it’s reasonable to expect that he would pay accordingly. I wouldn’t ask for more than his current rent, but if you go just a bit below, he’s still saving some money while getting nicer housing.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I think half his current rent isn’t enough.
Anonymous
will the BF be doing maintenance? Presumably he doesn’t at his current place, but living in your house he may end up doing things like yardwork, painting, etc that are more “landlordy” type activities and may offset this idea that half his current rent is not enough– half rent with the expectation that if the OP is painting a bedroom, he’ll help out instead of playing video games while she does it.
E
He has actually already offered to do the yardwork if/when he moves in. Which, actually, is approximately my least favorite chore, and which I freely admit I am terrible at!
Thanks for all the input y’all — this has really helped me parse what I think is fair!
Susan
I would talk to your boyfriend about what he thinks is a fair amount and go from there. Are you in similar financial situations (salary, debt, etc.)? I moved into my bf’s house (now husband) and the imbalance caused a lot of resentment on my part (some of which I still hold. my bad.) I made significantly less money that he did and while I didn’t pay half of the joint expenses (mortgage, insurance, taxes, gardener, housekeeper, utilities, etc.) the portion that I did pay was A LOT more than I would have spent on housing. So I felt like I wasn’t contributing an equal share and yet, paying WAY more than my share. And then long-term, I’ve always felt like this is “his” house, not really “ours.” For a lot of different reasons, which I could write a novel about it.
In any case, if you are looking at this in the long-term, this is a good time to start talking about how you two are going to do money and also be thoughtful about what this feels like from his perspective. On the surface, it sounds great – moving into a house (getting more space? nicer place? saving on housing?). But for me, it also felt like giving up a lot of independence and jumping into a lifestyle (with associated costs) that I wasn’t necessary ready for or wanted.
But perhaps your bf is a lot more mature than me. :)
Enjoy your cohabitation!
E
Ha! Thanks for the honest input — this is actually exactly what I want to avoid. I don’t want him to feel like he’s paying too much to live in an area that I chose for my convenience and that also happens to be a lot more expensive than where he lives now.
trefoil
No matter what you decide to do, get a cohabitation agreement to set out what the rights and obligations are, and to protect yourself. In my province, living common-law for a set amount of time (2 years?) entitles the spouse to half the marital home, regardless of who’s on the title. You can always revisit it or replace it with a prenup (or not) but better safe than sorry.
Life
I always wondered about this….
E
In my state common law marriage is extremely hard to establish — it requires that you agree to be married and represent yourselves as married. Simply living together, no matter how long you do it for, doesn’t confer that status. And even if we were common law married, it’s a community property state. He would only be entitled to 50% from the day that marriage began. All of the equity in the house before that would still be mine.
GovtAttny
I think you should look at it as cost sharing, rather than him paying your mortgage. He didn’t get to pick the house, but he still chose to live with you and it sounds like a step up for him. You are also bearing all of the legal risk here, the mortgage is in your name, you are responsible for the taxes, etc.
I highly recommend the proportionate way of splitting costs for all couples that move in together. Add up all the expenses you are going to share (mortgage, utilities), add up your combined income, then calculate what percentage the expenses are of your combined income. Then each person contributes that portion of their income to the combined expenses. That way everyone contributes proportionately, if not equally. This method also works very well when you start adding in new expenses.
When I moved in with my GF, now wife, we started this method because our incomes were very different. This allowed each of us to contribute, but not feel like either party was being taken advantage of. It is also easy to add in additional expenses (I think you are going to end up adding in food very quickly), and allows you to have conversations about money when the stakes are low. This worked very well for our relationship. When we were just sharing some of our expenses we were able to talk about money, and get a feel for how the other person spends and saves. By the time we got married and threw all our money in the same pot, we each had a very good idea of the other’s money management styles.
homeless
I live with my fiancé in a house that he owns. We are getting married next June, at which point this question will be moot. But –
He has had some health scares lately (looks like everything is fine) that got me to thinking about what would happen if, God forbid, he died. He doesn’t have a will, and has living parents and a sister. Presumably, they would get all of his assets, including the house. The house has about $100k left on the mortgage, and should sell for over a million. His family knows and likes me, but in a worst-case scenario, would I end up being kicked out of the house ASAP? Would I have any rights to stay there?
Obviously horrible things to think about, but imagining grieving over my beloved while having nowhere to live is terrifying. He has been upset over health scares and thinking about mortality, so I don’t really want to bring up a will with him. Also, the likelihood of all of this is crazy slim – I am mostly curious from a legal perspective. We live in NY.
Anonymous
If someone is having health problems and doesn’t have a will set up, I don’t think it matters if they are scared or mortality. Just talk to him about it. If you want, frame it in a way that both of you need to reevaluate both wills/lack of wills because of the marriage.
health
+1
Bring it up in the context of medical power of attorney. Who does he want making medical decisions if he suddenly became very ill? You? Or his mother/sister etc…? This is the perfect time to start talking about this. And then YOU also make a decision for yourself. Then you sequeway into wills. You both should be thinking about it. And a lawyer can obviously help with both.
Anonymous
How will this be moot when you marry? This is a home he owned prior to the marriage and so does not magically become community property (NY is an ‘equitable distribution’ state – I don’t practice there and this distinction can make things even more complicated). You could still lose the home even after marriage if you don’t take action.
You need to deal with this. Ok, he’s scared about health issues, but he needs to be a grownup and handle things, especially is you and he expect to marry. Not being adult enough to consider his future spouse’s well being and needs and even talk about a will sounds like a dealbreaker.
anon
Because if he dies without a will once they’re married, she inherits everything.
Baconpancakes
Yes, unless a will states otherwise, a surviving spouse gets everything in NY. Even if the will DOES state otherwise, a surviving spouse can STILL lodge a protest to get about 75% of the estate, if my memory serves from my aunt’s death. (Not a lawyer, but this is what I remember. Might be wrong.)
Yep
With a will giving everything away to non-spouse, in NY spouse is still entitled to a 3rd (more or less, depending on size of estate).
OP, tell your fiancé to get a simple will, ASAP. This isn’t anxiety you need to have.
Diana Barry
If he dies after they get married, and he doesn’t have a will, she will get the house.
If he dies BEFORE they get married, and he doesn’t have a will, his heirs under NY law will get the house (not her).
Anonymous
His blood relatives will get everything if he dies before you get married, unless he has a will or you also own the house. He can either put you on the deed to the house or get a will, giving the house to you if he dies.
bridget
If he has health scares, he should also have a recently-signed living will, power of attorney, and health care proxy. In fact, all adults should have those things.
Even if you are married, it’s not necessarily a slam dunk that you can make medical decisions for each other or access individual bank accounts.
You are sharing property and he has health scares. Both of you, please get this sh-t in writing. It’s just wrong to leave a big mess for other people to sort out.
Signed,
Has had an estate plan since about age 30, is single, no kids, and (knock on wood) healthy as a horse
MNF
Next June? Like a few weeks or a year and a few weeks? If it’s the former, I’d be surprised if you could get all of the EP documents set up and signed before your wedding. If it’s the latter, definitely get an appointment with an EP lawyer. (Good idea to do either way, but it doesn’t make sense to draft and sign documents twice in the month you get married!)
anon
If you want all of this by this June, you’re unlikely to get that kind of turnaround from an EP lawyer.
But you can download the NYS statutory power of attorney form from the internet, and your hospital will have health care proxy paperwork. A living will is not enforceable in NY, but talk to him about his end of life concerns and make sure you and his family are all aware of his wishes.
And if this is a simply, “leave everything to my dear fiance” will, LegalZoom can probably help you get that done quickly.
Blonde Lawyer
You can also look into whether you would have tenant rights. You wouldn’t get the right to the equity in the house but it could mean the heirs couldn’t evict you. In my state, you could be evicted with 30 days notice if you didn’t have a lease. You could sign a lease where you pay $1/month for rent and have it be a minimum of a one year lease. If you break up, he can’t just kick you out either. Not that you would want to continue living together broken up but you might need a few weeks to find a new place.
Anonymous
I was just diagnosed with GERD. My major symptom is horrible gas in my esophagus. I’m on a prescription acid blocker but it’s not doing much. Besides avoiding the obvious trigger foods, is there anything I can do to help? Vitamins, supplements, probiotics or something, etc?
Anonymous
Avoiding eating for a few hours before bed and sleeping with your bed elevated can help.
2 Cents
When we had to do this, we bought two cinder blocks and put them under the head-end of our bed. We had a metal frame, so just stuck the feet in the holes of the blocks. (It was recommended as the best way to elevating the bed enough). It was weird to sleep that way for a few nights, but it really, really helped.
OP
Yes, nighttime is when I have the worst symptoms. I guess it’s from lying down and gravity. I’ll try elevating my bed!
Emmer
Have you tried a low-FODMAP diet?
OP
Yes, I’ve been looking into it. I already eat a lot of low-FODMAP foods but I’d rather have reflux and eat gluten to be honest, heh.
Baconpancakes
Man, the threads today are really on a theme.
I’d suggest making sure to add gut-health foods – kombucha, yogurt, kefir, in addition to pro-biotics. I was diagnosed with GERD but after the first awful bout of pain and a week of eating a ton of yogurt, adding kombucha, and avoiding alcohol, spicy food, and fried food, I slowly went back to eating healthier but still normal. Now I get a little stomach upset when I eat really unhealthy for a couple days in a row, but I can easily bring it back under control.
Anonymous
OK, that’s really good to know. I’ve been pretty good about avoiding bad foods but not perfect. I’ll try your suggestions. Thanks so much!
Anonymous
Lose weight if needed and don’t wear tight pants. This basically cured my GERD/LPR for me. Avoiding foods didn’t, and there are real health risks associated with LT use of PPI’s (they’re supposed to be for 2 weeks).
OP
Yes, I’m on a four week course of PPIs and my doctor did tell me about the long-term risks. It’s funny you mention losing weight because these symptoms did start out of the blue (never had problems with heartburn before) when I gained some weight on the unemployment diet.
anon
As anecdata, I had horrible GERD issues and was on a temporary course of PPIs. I did not find them to help much while I was on them — but everything was magically fixed as soon as I finished the course. So even if you aren’t feeling a lot better right now, it might bet better very soon. (Turned out a lot of my issues were associated with some major hormone changes I was experiencing — later had the same problems in pregnancy.)
Anon
I have been on a PPI for two years now due to what in hindsight were minor reflux issues, and now that l am trying to withdraw I have MAJOR reflux issues. I recommend trying everything you can go improve diet/ weight before going on PPI long term because getting off of them is a b1tch. rebound acid production is real!
(And not to threadjack but if anyone has any good tips for getting off Prilosec-omeprazole I am all ears. Anything would be better than waking up at 1 am needing to vomit every night)
Blonde Lawyer
I’ve been on PPI’s over 20 years and my doc says I’m never coming off. Benefits outweigh the risks in my situation. I take PPIs and H2 blockers. If you aren’t also taking an H2, maybe try switching to that instead? Zantac and Pepcid AC are H2’s.
Anonymous
My dad is and will always be on PPIs too. All the news about Alzheimer’s etc. is terrifying to me. But it is what it is, and for some people the benefits do outweigh the risks.
anon
I have a beautiful navy blazer which I love, but it’s gotten a bit shiny on the elbows and forearms. I’m guessing this is because of rubbing against my desk, but I’ve only worn it 20 times! Is this normal, or does it mean I got a low-quality product?
Anon
most likely low quality product. What is the material composition and where did you buy it?
anon
It’s wool and I got it at Brooks Brothers…..
Aunt Jamesina
Even high-quality, 100% wool becomes shiny eventually. It usually doesn’t happen to my wool items until much later, but perhaps you’re hard on the elbows. Do you rest your forearms a lot?
anon
Yeah, I do rest my forearms a lot and I probably am hard on the elbows. How do I avoid resting my forearms? Doesn’t everyone have to do that to use the computer?
anon
Also is there anything I can do to make them a little less shiny?
MKB
I’d love to know if there’s anything you can do once they get shiny to help – I’ve tried washing them and kind of massaging the wool to try to get the fibers to relax, but it hasn’t helped much.
Anon
anon, I never rest my forearms when I’m on the computer. With my chair and monitor set at the right height, just my hands are on the keyboard/desk and my elbows don’t rest on anything.
I know when my posture was poor I leaned on my elbows, but since I made a conscious effort to improve, I don’t anymore.
Pesh
20 wears over what period of time? Not sure what Brooks Brothers customer service is like, but you might mention you’ve only had it for 6 months (or whatever time frame) and were surprised to notice fabric degradation against their typical quality standards. If nothing else, it will at least alert them to a potential flaw in their materials.
Elizabeth
I have a navy bb blazer that has started to get shiny but I ve had it six or seven years. I’ve googled how to get rid of the shine but haven’t tried anything yet.
Kate
What would make a blazer easy/difficult to wear with dresses?
Clementine
For me, I wear a shorter blazer with dresses and also one that’s more open in the front.
My suit blazers when buttoned cover 75% of my shell, but my dress blazers are all one-button and cropped, with lower necklines and closer fitting waists.
TTCanon
TTC for 6 months and twice in that time I’ve had an early period (about 5 days early) despite a lifetime of regular cycles. I’m under 30. I have an LH surge around day 16 or 17 each month. Does anyone have experience with this? Baby boards are failing me and depressing besides.
TTC been there
A short luteal phase (second half of cycle from ovulation to period) could mean compromised egg quality. I think “short” is anything under about 11 days. Taking progesterone supplements can help lengthen your luteal phase. Talk to your OB/GYN about that. It can’t hurt to start the conversation anyway, in case you haven’t had luck in a few more months.
Anonymous
I’d go to the OB/GYN. Could just be a fluke, but it doesn’t hurt (and its not expensive) to get basic hormone levels tested (prolactin or thyroid). I get my period about 12 days after ovulation. So you ovulate on day 16/17, what day do you start your period? Also — my gyn informed me that day 1 is really your first “full bleed” day, so if you have a day of spotting and brown/pink stuff, that doesn’t count.
TTCanon
Normally I start a period on Day 30…but I’ve been counting any blood as my first day my whole life. That new tidbit might just blow my mind.
I’ve set up an appointment with my OB/GYN.
Anon Fo' This
Please, please talk to your doctor. Baby boards are full of people who really have no idea what they’re talking about. Anecdata is not all that helpful for things like this. I was you and was trying to Google-diagnose myself, and it was just stressing me out. I finally convinced myself (ok, DH actually had to convince me…) to call the doctor and I feel so.much.better. We are still TTC and struggling, but there is a path, a plan and a legitimate (and awesome) MD at the other end of the line when I have a question.
TTCanon
Yep, on my way next Friday (I set up an appointment after I started yet another early period yesterday). Still couldn’t help but google and ask in the meantime…and you’re right, I’m stressing myself out. Thanks for your thoughts, and good luck moving forward!!
metoo
This JUST happened to me this month. DH and I have been trying for about the same period of time and I was about 5 days early this month. :(
anon
Okay guys. My life has become super busy as of late, and it shows no signs of subsiding soon. I need more energy. How do I get it? I’m trying to sleep more and having only a little bit of success. I already eat fairly well, and I’m trying really hard to keep up with my daily gym routine. I need more hours in the day, and for various reasons, I’m on a tight budget that doesn’t allow me to outsource any more than I already am. Any ideas?
lsw
This is kind of a stop-gap measure, because it sounds like you’re doing things right, but can you set your alarm for every hour to stand up and do some simple stretches or a quick brisk walk? And if you’re not having a ton of success with sleeping more, perhaps incorporating a general relaxation routine strategy (no screen time X time before bed, meditation, reading, an app that helps you relax for sleep).
NYNY
Prioritize everything you do with your time and figure out what can slide. Think of your time as being on a budget as much as your money is. If you had more time, this activity would be worth it to you, but on the current budget, it isn’t. Let it go.
For me, during crunch times I drop a lot of housekeeping, text friends instead of seeing them, and don’t do anything in my limited downtime that I don’t love.
Aunt Jamesina
Honestly, sometimes you just have to let some things go to get enough down time. Cut out non-essential cleaning and cooking and take free time where you can get it. Can you take a few days off? Sometimes that’s the only thing that will truly hit the reset button.
Anonymous
I’m an associate in a struggling practice area (market conditions) and I have Nothing.To.Do. I’m asking for work on a regular basis, offering to do non-billables, etc. so from a work-security standpoint I’m doing as much as I can be. But from a personal sanity standpoint, I am going nuts. How can I be making the 8-10 hours a day I’m sitting at my desk more meaningful/less boring?
Blonde Lawyer
Do you need to be at your desk 8-10 hours/day? If you don’t have work and it’s around 4 pm, I’d head home. Unless you are trying to just look like you are busy.
OP
Unfortunately the partners have been very clear about the need for associates to be at our desks from 8-6 regardless of our workload. I will love to take some of that time and go to the gym.
Anonymous
Could you take long lunches or pop out to run errands? I agree you shouldn’t be jetting off for the day at 4 pm, but you could meet a friend for lunch and tack on a couple errands (and at some places, meeting a friend counts as business development!)
OP
I’ve definitely been making an effort to catch up with anyone whose relationship I’ve slacked on maintaining. I could be even more intentional about that, for sure.
anon
Khan Academy, Udacity, or other online learning suite. Saved my sanity so many days.
Senior Attorney
If you have your own office and can close the door, how about catching up on your Netflix queue?
Also, start looking for a new job.
Maddie Ross
Second the second paragraph.
Anon
Are you me? Or one of my coworkers?
I learned that acceptance has helped me. I WANT to be a hard charger and doing things, but that’s not possible for me right now. (I can’t leave my position at this exact moment for a number of reasons.) So instead of getting worked up about it, I sit quietly and check out my favorite websites, take time to go to therapy once a week, text my friends, and focus on my 5 year plan. I don’t like where I am now, but where do I want to be and how do I get there?
Kelsey
Network, network, network. It sounds like your job security may not be good, at least in your firm, so you should be looking ahead and seeing what else is out there. Is the lull in your practice area temporary, or likely to continue? If it’s a trend, figure out which practice area you can pivot into and meet folks for coffee and lunches so that they will reach out to you if there’s an opening. Remember that some really high percentage of job openings are never advertised, so unless you know someone, you will not have an opportunity to be considered. And also, watch out for your back – you could be doing all of the right things and asking for work, etc. but ultimately you will be the one who is blindsided when once-glowing review turn into mediocre ones just because the practice group is struggling with their hours, the partners are hoarding all of their work, and it is easier to blame the associate than to admit those things. Ask me how I know.
OP
That is a real fear and concern of mine- that even though I feel like I’m doing what I can and should be doing, that when push comes to shove, I’ll end up looking like I wasn’t pulling my weight or making enough effort. In some ways, I full expect to lose this job. So I am definitely keeping my eyes open for other opportunities. Thanks for the great advice!
Atlanta Neuro?
I am in the market for a new neurologist in the Atlanta area. I hate mine, he doesn’t listen to me and mansplains and actively laughs when I suggest things like “physical therapy is helping.”
Can anyone point me in a direction? All I care about in this change of docs is that someone not openly laugh at my thoughts about my own body.
Mrs. Jones
Long ago I saw Dr. Joseph Weissman at Neurology Specialists of Decatur for headaches, sleep problems, and such. I liked him, but I don’t know what specialty you need.
lost academic
Dr. Rob Griffin is fantastic. He’s at Piedmont in Midtown-ish. From what I’ve heard his entire practice is solid.
Katie Charlotte
I love, love, love Dr Julian Bragg
Atlanta Neuro?
Thank you both!!! It’s so weird how, in this city, the more prestigious the practice the worse the care….at least that’s been my experience…
Atlanta Neuro?
Thanks all!! It’s migraines. Unfortunately. I realized I needed to find a new doc when faced with an emergency level of pain and I thought, no, calling the doctor’s office will not help, it will only be frustrating and make me angry and more stressed.
lost academic
I think my reply got eaten! For migraines DEFINITELY Rob Griffin at Piedmont on Peachtree. (The old Piedmont, haha). I went through 4 or 5 neuros for this before I got him and he’s fantastic.
Anonymous
I go to Panda Neurology for my migraines. I’ve been really impressed with them – they’re really flexible with scheduling/rescheduling appointments and getting me in last minute, plus they’ve suggested some treatments that have improved my quality of life immensely. They’re in the Northside Hospital area, if that’s convenient for you.
AtlantaAnon
Dr. Seiler from Piedmont Hospital was great for my shoulder nerves a few years ago. Very respectful!
If your insurance covers Emory Healthcare and it’s convenient for you, start there or with a doctor affiliated with Northside Hospital (both well-known for being respectful of women)
Anon in MN
A dear friend is getting married. She needs help finding a web site that lets her send invitations and track RSVPs.
Any advice? She is wondering about greenvelope or weddingwoo in particular.
Ease of use is key. The brides are juggling demanding jobs, selling a house, and other demands; they need something simple that gets that job done. Extra points for free or low cost.
Thanks, hive.
Susan
Is there a particular reason they’d prefer not to use something like Paperless Post? I think that site works well and the designs are usually quite nice.
As a side note, this sounds like a great job for a maid of honor!