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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. This Saint Laurent suit features two fairly trendy looks for women's suits: the skinny pant and the schoolboy blazer. Still, they're both such great examples of each trend that I had to post. I like this stark black and white wool blazer — the contrast trim looks really crisp and great, and I like the looser look to the blazer. The pants are rockstar-skinny, but they look lovely. The blazer is $2890 (still available at Saks Fifth Avenue) and the pants are, alas, sold out.Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Informational Interview Attire
So I’m moving to a completely new city because my fiance was transferred there. I’ve set up a day of meeting basically any lawyer I could find a connection with, for some “informational interviews,” ie, learnign more about the legal market in the city, about what they do, etc. The people I’m meeting range from in house people, to a solo practitioner, to a partner in biglaw. What do I wear? I saw a 2010 post on this subject that suggested a full on suit, but that seemed a little overdressed/presumptuous for this early stage. Would a blazer and pencil skirt be okay? A cardigan and pencil skirt?
Anon
I think a blazer and pencil skirt would be fine, but I would also make sure my accessories – shoes, bag, jewelry – were on the more formal/professional side. I.e. don’t show up in a blazer and pencil skirt and an old canvas tote bag.
Nancy P
Agree, or even blazer and dress pants (e.g. a tweedy blazer with black pants). That to me says “I am a career woman but I don’t think this is an interview.”
MB
While any of these proposed interviews sound fine, I’d guess that any male attorney you meet with will be wearing a suit. Simply because there’s not too much else for a professional man to wear. I don’t think you’d be all that out of place in a suit. I suppose this depends on the locale, but most male attorneys I interact with are always wearing a suit.
TBK
Totally depends on the location. In DC, attorneys in the Federal government will likely be wearing a suit. But male attorneys in private practice will be wearing dress pants and a dress shirt with no tie or jacket if they don’t have a meeting/hearing/etc. that day. Attorneys on the Hill will be wearing a suit if Congress is in session, and whatever their boss lets them get away with if it’s recess. In Boston, the attorneys I know wear suits only when they have meetings or appearances. I’ve seen lots of lawyers in smaller cities wear nice jeans and sweaters on days they’re not seeing clients. So I don’t think a suit is really a default for all male lawyers at all.
I think it also depends on what they think you’re doing that day. When I was unemployed, I often met people for informational interviews wearing classy casual clothes — nice, dark wash denim in a trouser cut, untucked button front shirt, cashmere cardigan, with nice jewelry and purse and with my hair and make-up done. They knew I wasn’t working so it would have looked a little weird to be too dressed up, but I still looked like a professional.
Ultimately, I think you can’t go wrong with a skirt or dress and a cardigan.
ABC
Agree with this. The male partners and associates at my law firm only wore suits if/when they were going to court. The head of my department didn’t even wear full suits for client meetings.
As for this question in the original post, I would most like wear some kind of dress with sleeves.
Anon
Data point: I’m a federal agency attorney in DC and only my boss’s boss wears a suit everyday. The rest of us wear them never.
DC Association
In what city is this? That also could effect the answer!
Informational Interview Attire
It’s in Jacksonville, Florida.
Anon
A cardigan or blazer and a pencil skirt with professional accessories will be fine. A suit will be overkill in Jacksonville.
Equity's Darling
I love this suit, though I think the blazer may be a little boxy? I adore the piping trend, though I don’t actually have anything that is piped…I should get on that.
Any suggestions on cool gifts for friends for birthdays/housewarmings, etc? I feel like I always end up giving the same things- gift certs .for manis/pedis, etc., and I’m just feeling so un-innovative, and I swear, all of my friends are born in April or July/August, so the next few months are gift-extravaganza time. I’m also looking for cool gift ideas for guy friends, they’re even harder to shop for, because I can’t go with the backup of a pedicure. For the housewarming, I love the idea of putting together some type of basket, but I can’t really decide what I’d put in it?
momentsofabsurdity
An orkposter of their city? I like home decor – esque gifts for housewarming stuff.
A Nonny Moose
Ugh, I’m the opposite. I don’t like people buying me decor things because I feel obligated to display them, at least when they’re around. And since I’m in an apartment and don’t have storage space, it means I often end up with things that are totally not my style being displayed.
momentsofabsurdity
Yeah, if you don’t know their decor taste, I guess this could be a problematic suggestion. What about nice wine glasses?
TO Lawyer
I love the idea of nice wine glasses/assorted wine paraphernalia – I once had a guest who stayed with me buy me really nice large wine glasses and I love them and use them all the time!
LeeB
Agree 1000%.
We have some good friends who gave us an obviously expensive piece of art for Christmas. If I saw in a gallery I would think “huh, kind of nice” but NOT ” wow, I want that in my house”. Of course, we had to put it up, so it now hangs in our guest room.
Equity's Darling
I’m 95% sure there’s no orkposter of my city, because I recall looking to buy one and then being a little sad. :(
Merabella
I’d steer clear of decor – because that can be really hit or miss.
Ideas:
A Grilling Basket – cool grilling accessories, rubs, sauces. We would love this at my house especially since it is warming up.
Food is always a good idea.
Meg Murry
Making meal or food baskets can be fun. For instance – Italian themed: nice pasta, quality jarred sauce, biscotti, etc. Or a theme drink basket: like the bottles of Cosmo/Mojito/Margarita etc mix, colored/flavored rimming sugars/salts, cute glasses and a bottle of the appropriate alcohol to go with the mixer. Or fancy teas and a couple of mugs. TJMaxx/Marshalls and World Market/Cost Plus are great sources for both baskets and food contents (all except the actual alcohol, of course). Bonus points if the basket appears to be re-useable as decor on a bookshelf.
A potted plant is also a good safe bet for a housewarming gift, IMO.
Do you have any good pictures of you and your girl friends (or group of friends?). A snapfish photo book could be fun and there are always online coupons for them. For guy friends: movie theater gift cards? One of the “sampler” beer packs that has 3 bottles of 4 styles from a brewery?
Equity's Darling
That’s sounds cute too- I especially like the drink mix/sugars/glasses/bottle idea. A new olive oil shop just opened up in my city though, maybe I should do a nice set of crackers, olive oil, balsamic, olives, and cheese? Hmm…. We don’t have TJMaxx,etc. here, but I know Winners almost always has baskets of some sort.
Only one friend has a true green thumb, the rest of them are terrible at keeping plants alive, otherwise I’d be all over the potted plant.
A Nonny Moose
Oooh love the potted plant idea.
SC
Agree with the themed meal or drink basket. For a housewarming gift a little while ago, we gave a book of cocktail recipes and the ingredients needed to make one of our favorite drinks from the book. It wasn’t all that expensive (maybe $50) went over really well, and I think I’ll play with variations on the theme in the future.
anon in-house
I’m a big fan of TJMaxx and Marshall’s but I have found that the foodstuffs sold at their stores is often stale, expired or tampered with. I’ve had more bad experiences than good in that respect, so please pay extra attention when buying food there!
Veronique
If they’re from a different place, a taste of home could be a great housewarming gift. For example, I recently visited friends who are originally from Michigan, and I ordered a gift from Cherry Republic (cherry wine and cherry salsa), which they loved. You could also do a gift from your hometown or culture if you’re from somewhere else or have a different ethnic background. In my experience, edible gifts are always appreciated.
MB
Fancy candles? Ones that smell really nice and are long lasting?
TCFKAG
These are somewhat random but also fun – at a store…somewhere (oh! Crate and Barrel I think) I found those old school popsicle molds for making your own popsicles and a recipe book of fancy popsicle recipes and got it for a friend’s birthday. It made a great house warming/birthday gift. (Also, I like cook books in general based off a theme the person might like.)
Other ideas for house warming type gifts I like depending on budget are throw blankets (you really can’t have too many), fun coasters (if they don’t want to use them, they don’t have to – not such an intrusive home decor thing), or if you have more time and less money – an organized “book” of their local take out places with a summary of the Yelp reviews, so they don’t have to do it. THat sort of thing.
Equity's Darling
I LOVE the popsicle idea. Then again, I love popsicles…but who doesn’t love popsicles?!
a.
Mm, popsicles. That gets my vote!
Equity's Darling
Oh a, I think you’re one of my favourite posters- we both love lazy travel, the Galleria Borghese, and popsicles, and skinny jeans. We’re basically [this site] kindred spirits.
NOLA
Love the popsicle mold idea! Honestly, I have a brown thumb so any plant someone gives me either comes to work to be taken care of my better gardeners than me or it dies.
KC
I got a really cool “instant” popsicle machine (Zoku) as a housewarming gift. Totally fits my personality and is not too large (storing it isn’t a pain).
Greener Apple
I have a hard time picking gifts, too. Last three gifts I gave to guys unrelated to me: a waxed canvas messenger bag, a bottle of reasonably good whiskey (with whiskey stones), and an annual Evernote plus a Spotify membership.
Anon
I love getting flowers, either cut in a vase or a potted plant, like an orchid.
saacnmama
I’m a geographer, so my choice of housewarming gift is a map. I get those jigsaw puzzles that have a map of the area, with the piece at the new address shaped like a little house. If nothing else, they don’t already have another!
When someone I knew went through bankruptcy and eventually moved into a new, smaller house, I got her a matching robe and nightie, with a note about being queen in her new castle. It went over very well.
I like bath stuff as a gift too–less pressure to use it if they know you wouldn’t see them using it anyway.
cbackson
I love this idea!
Sydney Bristow
I stalk my friends’ Pinterest boards near gift-giving times for inspiration. At Christmas, I gave my sister a necklace with a bow charm on it because she kept pinning similar items. Pinterest can be a good jumping off point because you can get a better idea of what style items they like right now.
Equity's Darling
That’s a really good idea, but I actually don’t even know if any of my friends use Pinterest. That’s not true, I know one friend does, but only because she just planned her wedding last year and is now in full on “ready for baby” mode. Everyone else is … I don’t know, not the Pinterest type.Last year I think 4 of us spent an hour trying to figure out how to tweet during a scavenger hunt. I wish I was joking. We’re all between the ages of 25 and 30ish. I swear, we’re not total Luddites.
Sydney Bristow
I totally understand. I had to have someone actually explain everything about Tumblr to me and I’m still a little intimidated by Twitter. After a friend kept showing me really cool things she made and responded to my question of “how’d you learn to do that” by saying she found it on Pinterest, I realized I should check it out. It is pretty addicting once you get the hang of it and comes in handy for things like redecorating, gift giving, and finding recipes.
TO Lawyer
I’m the exact same – I have a twitter account and basically only follow hockey insiders so I can see who gets traded right away. And I tried to use pinterest but find it way too overwhelming so I gave up
Equity's Darling
I have a twitter account solely to follow kick*tt* (replace the stars with e’s, didn’t want to end up in moderation…they’re basically a soccer blog aimed at ladies).
TBK
This is brilliant.
Maggie
Speaking of Pinterest, I saw a practical housewarming gift idea on there: a basket of necessities like a power strip, extension cord, kit with assortment of nails for hanging things, goo gone, etc. May seem kind of boring but could be cute if you put it all together in a nice basket that they could use in their home later.
TBK
The best housewarming gift we got last year was a basket just full of stuff from Trader Joe’s. I don’t think you have TJ in Canada, but I think any higher end specialty food store would do. Our friends put in just a random assortment of seasonings, snacks, fancy dish liquid, a good dish scrubber, dog treats, etc. Apparently the wife just ran in and grabbed anything that looked good to her then the husband stuck it all in a basket and, voila, super fun housewarming present that didn’t take up space, was practical, and didn’t depend on knowing our decor.
DC Association
For a housewarming, what about a gift certificate to Home Depot? every new place ends up with multiple trips to the depot.
Jo March
This isn’t so “cool” but nonetheless an extremely useful housearming: FIRE EXTINGUISHER(S). Ideally there should be one for each floor of a residence.
I used to think that the $75 my ex and I spent on fire extinguishers for our house was a waste…and then we had a deck fire (started by a citronella stick candle that didn’t get put out properly) and we needed all three extinguishers to get the fire under control/not burning the actual house.
JessBee
This is a really great idea! It always takes me way too long after moving into a new place to get a fire extinguisher in place.
Equity's Darling
That is such a great idea Jo! I’m sort of tempted to put together the “basket of housethings” described above with a few power bars, extension cord, nails for hanging things, etc., and to pop in a fire extinguisher also:)
Nonny
You could make it a bucket or a trash can of housethings…
Anon
And a can of WD-40. Everyone needs that.
saacnmama
Jo March, did you see that I tried to post a link for you recently?
Jo March
No, I didn’t! You can email me at purrplegrrl@yahoo.com
AIMS
I agree that you don’t want to give something that people feel obliged to use/keep.
That said, I think if someone likes plants, a nice easy to care for houseplant can be a nice gift, esp. if it’s in a nice pot.
If you want to do a basket, you could fill it with cooking stuff if they like to cook (e.g., gourmet baking mixes, nice cookie cutters/other tools, kitchen towels, pancake mix and syrups, etc.) or with some pampering items if they’re the home spa kind . . . .
For guys, I think you can never really go wrong with a nice bottle of whiskey (unless they are an alcoholic, of course) but you could also maybe do games (poker chips?), or cool beer mugs (esp. for a housewarming), or some fun coffee table books on whatever is of interest to that person.
In the Pink
Book on local eateries, plant care and activities, etc. Maybe even something on the history of the new city? If you know their athletic interests, books of walking tours of the city?
Tickets to an event in the arts district – so they have a feel for the city’s offerings? Or to a local museum showing? Or to the local sports franchise’s game? These are consumeable, so you are out of the décor category.
If they’ve moved, what about something special from their former “Home” city?
Flying Squirrel
I don’t find this particularly work appropriate, but I somehow like it. Maybe if I had the sort of job where I could afford it, my definition of work appropriate would be different :)
Now, networking threadjack:
If a mentor/contact offers to put you in touch with (incl. Forwarding your resume) a personal contact of his, how long is it appropriate to wait before pinging him about it? This person has helped put me in touch with others before, so I know he’s typically prompt about these things. In this case, he asked me to draft an email he could forward with my resume, and I sent that a bit over a week ago. I’m getting antsy b/c I’m planning a trip to the area I’m trying to relocate in a couple weeks, and if the contact is interested in my resume it’d be great to set up an in person coffee or something. I’m also proggressing in an interview process for another position, and i’d like to know more about this one before making a decision if I get an offer (not to jinx it or anything).
Nancy P
I think you can ping him now — maybe just to say that you’ll be in that area soon, and were wondering if he had heard anything from contact X, with whom you’d love to meet.
Nora
What is “ping”?
Neha
It’s another way of saying “to contact” someone. At work, I’ll tell people to “ping me via IM” if they have any questions.
Kanye East
The last name of my childhood best friend.
bookie
And a duck in a children’s book, if I recall correctly
Kanye East
It was. I had that book.
Nonny
Or one of the three Courtiers in Turandot.
Kanye East
@Nonny: That’s one of many Racist Opera Things I try to forget so I can enjoy the Puccini.
Ellen
I agree with this aproach! Peeople can ALWAYS use a good MENTOR. Mine is the Manageing Partner! He help’s me alot! Eveny thing I know (almost) I learned from the Manageing Partner. When I came to work here, I did NOT know anything. Now I am an expert, tho I learned alot on my own. The manageing partner mainly tought me to THINK LIKE A LAWYER, like in the movie Paper Chasse. I was like the pretty girl there who was the Professer’s daughter. But I would NOT sleep with the law student. No, FOOEY on that. Who want’s that mess, especialy with my dad seeing me in bed with a guy? NO WAY HOZE!!!
Robert texted me that he had a good time and that he is lookeing out for the MET’s TICKETS! Mabye I can get my hat back from Rosa and wear it to the MET”S game. It is NOT a MET’s HAT, tho! YAY!!!!!
phillygirlruns
i think a week is plenty of time to follow up, especially since you’re going to be in the area soon.
Nousha
Black and white is back in fashion and I love it. Specially when i mix them with one bright color like here. I have post on my blog about it. http://closetmixer.com/black-and-white-are-back-in-fashion/
Bonnie
I love the look of skinny pants for work but can’t seem to make it work for me. Where should the hem hit?
Neha
I’m wearing skinny pants today and they hit right at the base of my ankle / top of my foot. There’s not too much scrunch to the fabric at the bottom. I’m only 5’0″ so I don’t feel like I look good in the shorter pants that hit higher above the ankle.
MB
I think they should hit at or just below the ankle. Anything shorter is going to look too casual.
anon
Headed to Anguilla at the end of the month for vacation & staying at the Viceroy. Any thoughts on the resort and, more importantly, any recommendations for activities on the island? Thanks in advance.
Anonymous
New French study reports that bras may make no difference in terms of sagging, back pain, etc:
http://www.thelocal.fr/page/view/breasts-better-off-without-bras-french-study#.UWW-mKK-1Bk
Anonymous
I have a large chest (that I hate, FWIW- I’d love to be a B cup). I can’t imagine how much motion there’d be during the day without something holding me in. I’d look ridiculous, and there’d be so much visible nip, ugh.
Is there an agreed upon “best practice” for sleeping with/without a bra?
MB
I have a large chest, too and I also long to be a B cup. I cannot imagine not wearing a bra during the day. I generally wear a bra while lounging around (because its honestly more comfortable when I’m walking around the house, etc) and take it off right before I get into bed. I do find it uncomfortable to actually sleep in the bra, and I remember my mother telling me it wasn’t good for me.
Anonymous from 3:42
I’m sitting here with lower back pain as I type this, ugh.
I always take off my bras if I’m at home lounging, and I wear tanks with a shelf bra- which are no where near supportive enough for leaving the house, but perfect for lounging. I’ve also heard sleeping with a bra on isn’t good for you, something about lymph nodes draining? Regardless, I generally only wear a bra in public, but if it was to reduce my back pain and improve chest health, etc, I would wear one at home/sleeping.
Anonymous
I have no idea whether sleeping in a bra is healthy or not, but as a DD-cup I have to say, even if sleeping in a bra prevented breast cancer I probably still would not do it. One of the best moments of my day is coming home and taking off my bra, and yes, I am wearing the right size (I’ve been fitted). I can’t imagine sleeping in even a soft bra. It would be like sleeping in Spanx.
Anonymous
does anyone have any advice for a bc pill that won’t give you melasma (the skin discoloration on your face, usually around your mouth, that makes your skin look dirty)? I just got back from vacation in the sun, and while I got a little bit of a tan, the skin on my face just looks patchy and dirty. I’m careful about sunscreen and wearing a hat.
It makes me so self conscious! I really don’t want to be dealing with this all summer!
anon
Mini-pill (no estrogen)
AIMS
Are you sure that’s pill related? I’ve been on the pill (tri cycle) forever and ever and never experienced that…
Kristy
You’re lucky. It’s a pretty common side effect. My upper lip, ugh:(
Spotted
seems very common actually – also happens with menopause. You might try some of the night and day creams designed for lightening “spots” – I find the olay nighttime stuff (in a small jar/pot) to work if used over time.
Mine is from poorly managed hormones before/through menopause. It lightens in the winter when I’m not in the sun much. Dermatologists say it will be a recurrent cycle. Frustrated does not describe my response to this. However, the spot correctors do seem to work.
I also use something for a concealer, Fx something – fairly good.
Pumpkin
Handbag Threadjack! 2 questions for you ladies–
1) How do you store your handbags? I am thinking of buying a coat rack and just storing them on that. I don’t have that many but I live in a small apartment and don’t have room for them in my closet. Right now they are sitting in a pile in a corner of my bedroom— sooo ugh.
2) I am looking for a classic handbag, small to medium size, with a long shoulder strap (cross-body or adjustable length), zipper closure, and outside pocket with zipper. I want it built to last but it doesn’t have to be leather. Ideally under $150. Vintage is ok. Any recs?
Bonnie
I recently bought this bag and love it: http://www.ebags.com/product/milly/harper-top-zip-camera-bag/238533?productid=10201797&sourceID=COMJFEED&PID=2178999&SID=682936093
I keep my bags in a drawer. Keeping them hanging all the time may wear down the straps and cause them to lose shape.
TBK
I would also be worried about hanging my purses all the time. If you go online, there are lots of photos of great ideas for how to store handbags.
Equity's Darling
I’ve been planning to pick up the Roots Village Bag, which fits all your criteria (It’s $168 Cdn, but I assume slightly cheaper in the US, because…well, everything is slightly cheaper in the US),
http://canada.roots.com/VillageBaginClassicPrinceLeather/RootsOriginalFlatBags//18018982,default,pd.html?cgid=leatherFlatBags&selectedColor=001
Equity's Darling
I just double checked- the black one is $138 Cdn, the one I want (the Kalahari) is $168, so it’s definitely within your target pricing
Sydney Bristow
Speaking of Pinterest, I pinned this image awhile ago that shows purses organized on a bookshelf. Not sure if you have space for something like this in your apartment, but I think it looks pretty nice if they are going to be out anyway. The image shows hooks for bags with straps, but I’ve also seen a picture where you use shower curtain hooks over a closet rod (or something like a curtain rod that fits into a specific space) instead of individual hooks. http://living.msn.com/home-decor/cleaning-organizing/how-to-organize-your-stuff#6
WM
Has anyone heard of the NAPW – National Association of Professional Women? I was just contacted to join, and the fees were somewhat significant… I basically turned them down because I had to make a decision right then and I wasn’t comfortable doing so without doing some reason on this association first. Is it legitimate? Is it worth the fees? (There were varying memberships from $199-$900+) It sounded very “prestigious” on the phone, but the fact that I had to decide right then and there set off a red flag for me.
Any feedback on this association?
Anonymous
Sorry- but does anyone google anymore? there are a million articles about it being a scam
Anonymous
http://www.yelp.com/biz/national-association-of-professional-women-garden-city
WM
I googled, but every site related to this organization was blocked by my employer! Ironically – this site is not :) Hence, why I asked here.
I did also want feedback from folks I trust!
Anonymous
Try this (when it gets out of moderation for the link)
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Does+Anyone+Have+Google
WM
Okay, WOW. I do have access to Yelp at work… not sure why it didn’t occur to me try that first! Anyway… SO glad I didn’t fall for their little sales pitch. When she offered me the $99 trial membership and I said I’d need to think it over (meaning, do my research) and she said it was a one time offer – red flags all over the place. Thanks the for link!
TBK
Why the snark?
Anonymous
I didn’t mean it to be as snarky as it came out. But I’ve answered a bunch of questions on here just by googling and linking the first thing that came up. And then I realize I did more work than the person asking the question did.
Anonymous
maybe people ask on here because they want real responses from someone with experience and not google-foo
Anonymous
But this question is a google question. It is simply is it legitimate. Google it and you realize no its not. So real responses don’t help that. If you get a response saying its legitimate that doesn’t negate the fact that it is scam. I was just pointing out (perhaps too snarkily) that you can google many of the things that are asked on this site (that are pure yes no answers) and get a quicker answer.
saacnmama
It’s darn snarky and darn funny too.
But I don’t think the OP realized it was going to be such a quick answer, think she expected to get a few people’s stories of their interaction with the NAPW.
anon
fwiw, I’ve often had the same thought about a lot of questions on here. +1000 for the comment, to which I thought “finally”
Anon
Well, now that she posted a ton of women will have a heads up that it *is* a scam, so I don’t see what the problem is…
NervousAnon (from yesterday)
Hi all – I posted yesterday seeking advice and venting about my husband’s intense feeling that I’m too needy all of a sudden. First, I wanted to thank you all so much for your thoughtful advice. I think writing the situation down and reading your responses really put things into perspective. I know, somehow (and I do hope you all won’t think I’m being naive) that there’s not another woman. The fear of the unknown though did spur me to make a number of very long lists and sit down for a calm talk with my husband last night. Fast forward to 6 am and still no sleep and us truly talking things out for the first time in a long time. Anyway – things were obviously not fixed overnight, and I think it will take a lot of time and effort for us to normalize, but I just wanted to thank you all so much for supporting me, and thereby supporting my marriage. My husband is struggling, it became clear to me, and I need to step up. Still nervous, very sleepy, but trying to be hopeful. Wish me/us luck! And thank you again.
Anonymous
Wonderful. Sending best wishes your way.
Bewitched
Good luck! I was a non-believer on the other woman theory, largely because your post said he was under a lot of stress at work. I know when I am extremely stressed, I am 100% not myself. I can totally see reacting in a way which is completely abnormal-and the longer the stress continues, the worse I get. I think your hubby is probably feeling a huge sense of relief that you now understand what he is dealing with and that you are on his team. Here’s hoping things improve from here!
Anon
Thank you for the update! I’m glad you were able to sit down and have such a long talk with your husband. My husband also withdraws and gets irritable when he’s stressed. I often try to “fix” it by doing lots of things to try to elicit affection and positive feedback from him, which just irritates him more, making me try harder, making him more irritated. Not sure if this is the dynamic you’re experiencing, but I do know how frustrating it can feel. Hope things go well for you guys! I wonder if it would help you both if he were able to articulate for you what you could do to help alleviate his stress, and if he would be able to show you affection and gratitude when you do those things. (Not sure if that would work for you, but thought I’d throw it out there.)
Meg Murry
Good luck to you and your husband! And for someone who has (is) there is the too much going on/not enough time, I totally get his thought that therapy is just “one more thing to deal with” – I personally haven’t yet found a therapist worth the time and effort it takes to coordinate, travel, go to the appointment and then make up the time at work. However, he should put something on his schedule for stress relief – if not therapy, then an hour at the gym, or a regular get together with friends or a check in conversation with you.
Question – I know you said you “need to step up”, but how can you do that exactly? Is there anything on his plate that you can outsource (lawncare, home repairs, etc)? or encourage him to talk about his workload to his boss (roleplay with him?). Or just ask – “honey, if there was one thing I could take off your list right now, what would it be”. You might be suprised that its a little thing – sometimes the smallest tasks being taken off your plate can make the biggest difference.
NervousAnon
That’s such great advice, thank you. We talked along those lines last night and he made it pretty clear that he wants me to make decisions, take control more and really be a co-captain, which was kind of a hard thing to hear. I feel like a total b@llbuster in all other parts of my life, and I guess I need to shown that same assertiveness and confidence on his behalf and with him.simple stuff, like inviting our friends over or taking are of bills and errands without making it a conversation. A lot of this makes me feel like a terrible, selfish, lazy wife and that I don’t at all prioritize being a “wife”. I’m a bit embarrassed about that role (see every Lean In convo). Apparently my husband has realized that and feels all I’m doing is needing and taking in HIS time of need :( thank you again everyone for being so supportive and thoughtful.
Anonymous
Glad to hear this, thanks for updating. Hope the long convo is the start of a turnaround.
Dating Dunce
Re-post because I accidentally posted in the last thread: I just ended a very long term relationship and have never been single in the world of online dating.
At the encouragement of my friends, I am thinking about jumping in. However, I have one major issue, my ex is already on match (I won’t even get into the fact that he was already on within days of our relationship ending.) Is there some sort of way that I can block him from coming up in my searches and vice versa?
petitesq
Not sure re: Match and blocking, but couldn’t you just get on OkCupid or eHarmony instead?
Parfait
on OKCupid you can block people. No idea about others.
Anon
Yes, you can. Search for him and block. I know because Match.com kept matching me with my relatives.
saacnmama
Matching you with your relatives? Ewww, hilarious!
anon
it’s been a few years since I was on match, but will be doing it again soon :-( (also just ended a LTR), but I recall you can block people on there from seeing you. You might also be able to block someone else from coming up, but I don’t remember needing to do that.
LadyE
It’s a mixed bag: you can stop him from coming up in your future searches and you can block him from contacting you. You can’t stop him from viewing your profile or having you come up in his searches. I’d bet that him viewing your profile will be less disconcerting if he can’t engage in any further interactions with you. You’ll be unpleasantly surprised as to just how that tends to be true in general (there are a lot of creeps, sadly).
On the him quickly rebounding front: my ex was also on an internet dating site surprisingly quickly after dumping me. Bonus: he’s using the same username and some of the same pictures he used to pick me up however many years before!
Dating Dunce
That sucks LadyE. My ex is mainly using pics that he had to crop me out of. In some you can actually see the side of my face. Klassy. Also, 2/3 of his interests and hobbies are actually things that I am interested in and he got into via dating me. Annoying.
LLBMBA
Just an FYI: The Davina dress from LK Bennett (which I adored) has been discontinued, as confirmed by a customer service rep today. Very sad.
TCFKAG
Well you know what they say – when the fashion gods close a door, they open a window. It just means you can find lots of new dresses to fill the void!
(But seriously, I hate when my favorites get discontinued.)
Spotted
Just like the “original” The Skirt from Nordies. I keep pressing them to make BOTH.
AIMS
If you find a good seamstress/tailor, perhaps they can make it for you from the ones you have?
Anon
I wish I didn’t just google that dress. I want it too, now :(
Anonymous
Hi ladies. I’m a 3L with a quick question for the lawyers out there. Although my grades are good and I’ve snagged a great job, I still feel like I struggle to do well during class discussion. It’s as if my brain freezes when I’m called on, and everything that spews out of my mouth is just an incomprehensible mess. Now, obviously this doesn’t impact my grades, but it’s embarrassing to still be so bad at this after three years. I swear my professors probably think I’m a complete idiot. What really concerns me is that I’m going to be joining a practice group that handles a mix of transactional and litigation, so at some point down the road I’m going to be expected to show up in court.
Do you all have any suggestions for how I can improve my speaking and learn to think quickly on my feet? I honestly don’t think I’m stupid, since I do well on written assignments and exams. I just get nervous and have trouble organizing my thoughts during quick questioning.
Meg Murry
Not a lawyer, but taking a moment to repeat the question back can sometimes give your brain a few minutes to catch up to your mouth. There is also nothing wrong with a slight pause to think as opposed to brain spewing immediately, at least in most situations.
hoola hoopa
In addition, try nodding during your pause. It shows that you’re engaged and going to answer more than a blank stare.
Legally Red
And, for when you’re in court, remember that pauses don’t show up on transcripts!
goldribbons
Ditto for depositions (unless it’s timestamped, but even then, not noticeable).
Jennifer
This! I love reading transcripts of my hearings precisely because I appear so much more polished on paper than I really was. On the other hand, I ABHOR listening to audio recordings of my hearings because then I appear exactly as rambley and numbly as I was but also really nasal sounding.
Jennifer
*mumbly
Anon
Part of it just takes practice doing it over and over again. It also helps to be prepared (obviously). When I am preparing for court, I honestly talk out loud to myself all day long (in my office, driving home, etc.) I just talk about the issues, the precedent, my argument and then when it comes time to present it, it feels more natural. Also, it is acceptable to pause for a couple of second to collect your thoughts, and then answer. I also find that when something is my case, I just know it so much better. I know the facts, the issues, the caselaw, etc. and that makes it much easier to talk about since I am much more invested in it. I found it helpful in law school to “book brief” the cases as I read them, making notes in the margins that I could quickly refer to if called on.
goldribbons
1.) Practice summarizing cases you’ve read in about 10 words and writing that right next to the case name (either in your casebook or on the printout, if you’re printing them). Annotate heavily anything you read. When I’m put on the spot, suddenly I’m incapable of reading anything except my own handwriting. Even having a few words written down will jog my memory and enable me to remember what I read.
2.) Don’t worry about pausing when you’re speaking. The silence is helpful to most listeners. Don’t worry about filling space with your words. You can jump into the conversation (or get called on) and speak deliberately.
3.) Practice with other things. For example, I was like you early in law school, but then I learned that if I was randomly asked a question about a non-law topic I knew very well (e.g., the latest happenings with the kardashians), I had no problems recalling and articulating details. When it was law, on the other hand, I would suddenly get tongue-tied. I practiced actually saying things out loud at home (“summary judgment in lieu of complaint” can be a tongue-twister if you’re not expecting it to come out of your mouth). It sounds pretty silly but it helped me a lot.
4.) Have confidence! You can do it! Law school is a generally miserable environment anyway. Working might be a whole lot better.
Bonnie
Take a deep breath before answering. It may seem like an eternity to you but won’t to the others in the room.
DAR
Like the jacket but not the pants nor the styling…
Selena
Etiquette question – I work in an industry that is not particularly stuffy (think one of those fields where the most powerful person in the room gets to wear jeans and a tshirt) and am in the very early stages of networking to find a new job. I’ve been having a phone phone conversations and coffees with people. Do I need to write full thank you cards to them or would a thank you email suffice. Some of these people are freelancers so I would have to do a bit of detective work to track down their home addresses to send cards to. TY!
TCFKAG
Seriously, stick with e-mail. I work in the stuffiest of stuffy professions and we *still* stick with e-mail. I might (might) write a formal note if someone actually helped me get a card, but honestly the other positive about an e-mail is it can start an on-going conversation/communication. A note feels final. In these sorts of networking situations, that’s the last thing you want.
So I vote e-mail (and I know most others do when this issue has come up.)
Selena
Thanks!
Kanye East
I have no dog in the “are leggings pants?” fight (don’t care, won’t care), but I love that Kat’s suit of the week has superskinny pants with a jacket that doesn’t cover the booty.
Discuss.
Anonymous
I’m not going to lie, this is why I don’t understand the “leggings are not pants” argument.
Is it about the booty? I understand if the legging are a little see-through that they’re not pants, but….if they’re totally solid leggings, what is the problem?
Not at work, sure, but on the weekend? I see no problem with leggings. I also regularly wear skinny ankle pants to work, though they’re definitely looser than leggings, they’re still relatively form fitting. I also don’t see the difference between super skinny jeans with a bit of stretch, and leggings. Why does one need a tunic, but not the other?
hellskitchen
Perhaps it’s not so much about the sheerness or how skintight the pant or legging is but how supportive the material is? Skinny jeans and pants, even those with some stretch, can be skintight but still hold everything in well. Leggings show a lot of booty jiggle when someone one is walking, even if they are opaque, and perhaps that’s why they need tunics. To me the difference between skinny pants and leggings is not that much – until one starts walking.
Anonymous
exactly. Skinny jeans are just as tight as leggings but its the material. And I know everyone that wears them as pants (ie, with a shirt that hits hip length) says oh they look great and they cover everything but its just. not. true. everyone I see wearing leggings with pants is showing way too much of everything. too much lady parts, too much of the butt. I should not be able to see butt crack, the pattern of your underwear, and the crevices of your garden! olivia wilde is beautiful but this is just too much of her body to see http://awifeofmaterial.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/olivia-wilde-wears-leggings-as-pants.jpg
saacnmama
Kat mentions that the pants are sold out, so she’s not suggesting we buy them.
Kanye East
Yes, but it’s still Suit of the Week.
lawsuited
That’s how good the pants are! They’re sold out!
Irrefutable evidence that some leggings are extremely popular pants.
anon
I agree that I do not understand this whole “leggings are not pants” thing. Am I supposed to hide the fact that I have a bum? My leggings and my jeans that are like leggings are sort of the same. And yes, you can tell that I have bum when I wear them. But also, when I wear dresses, you can tell that I have a tummy. And when I wear shorts, you can tell that I have legs. I don’t wear excessively short shorts , or tight dresses, and my leggings are supportive and not see-through. I don’t know, it just seems like the extension of the “leggings are not pants” argument end with “cover up every part of your body that implies that you are a woman.”
saacnmama
I think it’s more like “cover up s3xual parts”. Afterall, guys get far more ridicule for wearing jeggings than women will ever get, because their junk is too visible.
hellskitchen
To prove your point: http://www.looksgoodfromtheback.com/2013/04/a-pig-in-bushel.html
Anonymous
Leggings are not pants. I know it when I see it!
– Justice Potter Stewart
Bonnie
They have a zipper so they’re pants. :-)
TCFKAG
Personally I am shocked, SHOCKED to find gambling in this establishment.
gov anon
TCFKAG, that made me laugh so hard I almost spit out my drink!
Kanye East
Your winnings, sir.
Jennifer
I love this suit