Suit of the Week: Akris Punto

Akris Punto Prince of Wales SuitingFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

I originally loved the dress — and after a bit of poking around, realized that the dress was part of suiting separates. Hooray! Note the check pattern, which I think is on the rise in terms of trends — while I often see it looking cheap and overwhelming the garment and the model, here it is understated and classic. The suit is made from “near-seasonless stretch wool,” and all three pieces are lined. The jacket (Akris punto Prince of Wales Two Button Blazer) is $1,350, the pants (Akris punto ‘Faubourg’ Prince of Wales Pants) are $595, and the dress (Akris punto Belted Prince of Wales Dress) is $995.

 Akris punto Prince of Wales Two Button Blazer Akris punto Belted Prince of Wales Dress



  1. Patent Pending :

    I want that haircut more than the suit!

    • Seriously. I just saved the picture for the haircut. I am working up the courage to get my hair cut this short.

      • I did it in July. I love love love it (and, surprisingly, so do men!).

        Just make sure you find someone who cuts short hair really well—either from a friend who has good short hair or stop a short-haired woman on the street. Too many hair dressers have no idea how to cut short hair well.

      • My hair is about this length and I love this cut…might bring in this picture next time.

      • karenpadi :

        My hair has been this short for >3 years now now. Love it! I started coloring it (it’s the model’s color now). So fun!

        If you are single and looking to date, it’ll scare off the guys who are easily intimidated. Yes, it meant fewer first dates but those guys wouldn’t have gotten a second date anyway!

    • I was just about to say the same thing! Love the cut and the color :)

    • I cut mine all off as part of my Yay Employment celebration (also featuring: trip to Kiehl’s, tickets to the Nutcracker and allowing myself to buy an Anthropologie dress) and while I’m still getting used to it, I’ve been told I look like I shed five years.

      So, there’s that.

    • i totally agree!! i tried a pixie and it didn’t work out so well with my thin hair :( but this makes me want to try it again!

      • I have thin, fine hair (read: really crappy hair) and it looks so much better short than it ever did longer. Maybe it was a bad cut (either for your hair or your face)?

        • Susan (edna_mode_nyc) :

          Ditto. I’m worried if I cut my hair short, it’ll reveal that I just have all of 11 hairs on my head.

      • This is what’s stopping me from trying! I’ve done plenty of bobs, but I’m afraid with a pixie you’ll see too much of my scalp or something, plus my hair is super oily. And my hair is super dark and i’m white, so it’s a big contrast between hair and scalp, unlike a blond caucasion or darker skinned girl.

      • This feels like a very self-absorbed thing to do, but….anyway. If you want to see a picture of my hair, feel free to email me SunnyD6206 [at] aol [dot] com.

    • finding a hair dresser :

      Have any of you found someone who can cut curly hair well? How did you go about doing it? Everyone says yes, they can cut it, but that and what actually happens are two different things. It is really thick, could look nice and curly, but instead tends to pouffe up, or even stand right straight up.

      • I get so annoyed that everyone says they can cut curly hair, then they give you a cut making it look like a triangle! I suggest asking strangers with nice curly cuts and/or having a hairstylist with curly hair cut yours.

      • Silvercurls :

        Ask people with your type of hair. I lucked into my present choice–my local Hair Cuttery– by starting a conversation with a complete stranger. That was 8 or 9 years ago and I’ve going ever since.
        FYI I have curly/wavy, Jewish hair and wear it short. (It does. not. grow. out. gracefully. Been there, done that & not going back.) Because the clientele is diverse, the stylists are experienced and skilled in working with African-American, Latino, and Jewish hair. Occasionally I get a less-than-perfect haircut but I figure nobody except myself will really be able to tell the difference and any damage will grow out in a month or so. I’m happy because the stylists are pleasant people, the shop has a good collective vibe, thanks to a caring & hardworking manager…and it’s very affordable.

      • I have irish ringlets, which, if not properly cut and productified, are a complete frizzy triangle. It’s awful. I have found good luck searching Yelp for curly haircut reviews, interviewing stylists to see that they “get” my hair (I ask a few test questions “Would you cut my hair wet or dry”? “Would you put products on my hair to cut it?” etc.) If they “fail” at the consult, then they don’t get the job. Also, when I have moved somewhere new, I am not afraid to stranger-stalk people I run into in public–and ask them where they get their hair done if they have similar hair.

        If you’re in the Bay Area, you can ping me on this site (just put my name in the subject line) and I will send you my stylist’s name. She’s in Burlingame.

  2. Ugly Christmas Sweater :

    Planning to attend an ugly Christmas sweater party this weekend and need to get something to wear. I don’t have time to go thrifting before then, and I don’t think there is time to order something online. I am hoping to find an ugly sweater online that I can buy. Maybe at Old Navy, Target or something similar.

    Has anyone seen something that would fit the bill? Thank you!!

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Maybe? With a longsleeved black tee underneath and a Santa hat, it could be pretty cute/themed for a holiday sweater party, even if not strictly literal.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Alternatively — Sears lets you shop online and search for instore pickup availability. They might have some stuff that works, like this?

    • Okay I know this is sooooooooooooo inappro, but it made me laugh.—Sweater-Costume—Mistletoe/dp/B009PO6IV2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354738099&sr=8-1&keywords=christmas+sweater

    • maybe try Kohls, or other places old ladies shop (No offense to old ladies)

      But honestly, your best bet might be Ebay or Etsy. Even in thrift shops its hard to find ugly sweaters these days, since this party theme has become awfully popular, and, you know, the hipsters…..

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        FYI for Bostonians – I picked up an ugly sweater at Garment District in Kendall last weekend and they had TONS (in contrast, last year I went one weekend before Christmas and they were out. Shop early!) in a whole dedicated section of 4-5 round racks JUST for ugly holiday sweaters on the second floor.

    • I would check out the BonTon (they have an on-line store) — they were a gold-mine for grandma sweaters when someone wrote into my blog looking for those. :-)

    • You could buy a cheapo sweater and hot glue sequin appliques on it from the craft store.

    • Urban Outfitters has a bunch of them. More online, but some in stores as well.

    • kerrycontrary :

      KOHLS! they seriously have some. And JC Penny or Bonton (i.e. lower priced department stores). Even your local hallmark have a funny sweatshirt (seriously, we saw some in hallmark this saturday). I ordered mine from ETSY. I ordered it on a saturday and it arrived on Tuesday so you might be able to contact someone about overnight shipping.

    • Ugly Christmas Sweater :

      Thanks for the suggestions everyone. Hoping I can swing by the mall on Saturday and find something at a department store or Urban outfitters.

    • Onetime some friends and I went to a tacky Christmas party as christmas trees…brown tights, t-shirt and very cheap tree skirt as a skirt from target I think, ornaments as earrings and big huge bows on top of our heads…it was fun and a bit different


  3. SF Bay Associate :

    Apartment Therapy linked to a HuffPo article I found interesting. It’s about how mothers are usually not in pictures with their kids in part because they’re holding the camera and in part because they don’t like they way they look (overweight, mussed hair, wrong dress, no makeup, etc) and are avoiding creating evidence of their appearance because they only want to be photographed when they are looking their best, at their goal weight, with good makeup on a good hair day. The unintended effect is that there are very few pictures of mothers with their kids.

    • Love this.

    • Read this awhile ago and it resonated with me, too.

    • e_pontellier :

      Thanks for sharing this. Loved it.

    • My mom was always this way growing up. “No, don’t take a picture of me, I look awful today,” etc. Now that I’m older, I make a point to insist she is beautiful and I want a record of our fun times together, especially since I live far away.

      I’m guilty of frequently being behind the lens too, not because I don’t want my picture taken, but because I’m always the person who brings along a camera :)

    • My family’s the opposite, my dad always held on to the camera. A little bit of a control freak, worried about it being dropped, and a little because he is very spatial and thinks he’s the best at framing shots. ;o) As a result, we have tons of my mom, sister and me, but almost none including my dad!! So, now my mom and I make a concerted effort to get pictures of him, which annoys the crap out of him, haha!!

      • Same for my family, too! Haha. I do have a college friend who refuses to be in any photos, though, or insists that I get rid of any that she does not like, which means I can’t really take pictures when our group gets together any more.

    • As a scrapbooker this is a convo that happens fairly regularly. I always try to make sure I’m in a few pictures when we go somewhere (even though dh is a terrible photographer and always cuts off the top of my head or something) just to prove I was there, and then when I create my photo books I always include the pictures of me. I figure my boys won’t care if I don’t look my best, or I”m not at my goal weight, or whatever. They’ll just care that I was there.

      Same with handwriting. So often we make photo books or scrapbooks using typed descriptions, and thus our handwriting isn’t preserved for future generations. This isn’t always a big deal, but I know my parents have very distinctive handwriting, and I have a few cards & letters that I’ve kept so I’ll always have samples of their writing.

      • Almost There :

        I scrapbook and use pre-printed stickers and things for the words and I never thought about your point about the handwriting. I’m totally going to switch. Great thinking, thanks.

      • Mountain Girl :

        I had a font made of my handwriting. Love it and use it all the time! My kids thought it was great – they said now they would have to have me sign notes they could just print them off.

    • Yeah I have an entire album of my family between 1968 and 1970 and my mother isn’t in a single one of them. Sad since she died when I was in my 20s. But, I do have some cute pictures of me with my Dad, which he loves.

    • I asked my mom for some bday photos recently and realized that while there were very few pictures of me (she says she was missing a box, I am skeptical) there are even fewer of the two of us together. I’ve been taking lots of goofy camera self portraits of the two of us recently and recently screenshot a video Skype where we were wearing matching outfits.

    • finding a hair dresser :

      Yep, for years I had no pix of me, because I was taking pix of DS. Then he got old enough to take pix of me, but shots of us together were still rare. Now I’ve gained weight and want him in the frame so I look better.

  4. Legally Brunette :

    Someone posted a few days ago about a gorgeous green Issa wrap dress and how they were looking for something similar at a lower price point. I don’t have a specific dress in mind but heartmycloset on Etsy has a lot of gorgeous dresses, great reviews, and evidently she can custom make dresses if you give her a picture. Full disclosure, I have never bought her dresses (yet) and some people have said that the fit was off, but her clothes look so beautiful and classy.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I have ordered a dress from her. It’s beautiful and well made, but I’d suggest getting professional measurements made (the fit is slightly off for me, as well, but I know where/how to adjust next time I buy a dress from her).

      • Legally Brunette :

        Good to know! I have bookmarked several dresses that I would love to buy, but I’m quite pregnant at this point so I need to wait a while. :)

      • anon in-house :

        I have also ordered a dress from her based on recs from this site, but it was also off on me and I needed to tailor it (she offered to pay for the bill). The fabric is not the highest quality out there either, but the price is as good as it gets i think as far as custom clothes go.

  5. Can someone help me learn how to clean? I have always been a slob. Always. I now have 2 kids and a dog and a husband who can’t take it anymore. Help me learn how to want to be clean, and how to make it happen, beofre it starts to kill my marriage. Please? Pretty please?

    • e_pontellier :

      Google Fly Lady. If you don’t like her style, google Unf-ck Your Habitat. You can do it!

      • Susan (edna_mode_nyc) :

        t I find it kind of hilarious that despite Fly Lady’s overall message (how to unclutter, clean in a manageable way), her site is one of the most cluttered, messy looking blogs I’ve seen in a long time.

    • Patent Pending :

      I like the book Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendleson. Its a teeny bit overwhelming in parts (i.e. the level of detail, and it includes instructions on to clean pianos), but also inspiring because she is no nonsense and gives very clear instructions (even on grocery shopping). Take that as a jumping off point so that know you KNOW how to clean, and then the next step is actually doing it. I find that having clear instructions and an end point is usually enough to get me going.

      Also, there are sections on daily cleaning etc for the basics, and a good index.

      • LURV this book … she is so OCD and i don’t usually do everything to the level she says, but I refer to it all the time.

      • LadyEnginerd :

        Me too. A housekeeping book written with lawyer detail (her day job).
        Side note: got it as an engagement gift. I will (1) be keeping the book and (2) think it makes an excellent alternative to the Joy of Cooking for a wedding/housewarming/engagement/entrance to adulthood gift.

        • e_pontellier :

          LadyEnginerd, how are you holding up? Keeping busy? I wish wish wish I were in CA and could do coffee/drinks with you!

          • LadyEnginerd :

            Thanks so much for checking in. I’m trying to keep busy between work and other activities, but it’s really really tough. I don’t know what I did wrong and why I couldn’t see this coming. I feel sick to my stomach all the time (before this, I thought people were exaggerating about these physical grief symptoms. no more). Therapist appointment Friday should at least help me start to regroup. I still want him back, and don’t yet have the perspective to remember that I don’t want someone who will bail when things are tough.

            But back to the book… seriously, it’s awesome. Highly recommended, and not jinxed, I promise!

        • SoCalAtty :

          I second the question / offer! I’m in the Burbank/Glendale area, but one of my horses is retired in Buellton so I sometimes get close to where you are. My email is meyerlemony at g mail dot com if you’re going to be down here anytime soon.

    • Diana Barry :

      First off, do you have a cleaning service? Secondly, what is the problem – filth or clutter? Filth is not good, but clutter is a matter of degree. :)

      • It’s more clutter than filth. We do have a cleaning service, but not regularly. Part of the problem is that with as much clutter as we have, you don’t get as good of a clean from the cleaning ladies- they don’t put away, they just pick up a mess, wipe under it, and put it back. Not their job, I get it. I have never been good at cleaning for the cleaning lady.
        I feel like I need to find a way to trick myself into caring about having a clean house. I like the idea in general, but I am tired! I work full time, have 2 kids, and cleaning is more often than not the last thing in the world I want to do. I barely keep up with laundry and dishes.
        I somehow tricked myself into being a runner with Couch to 5k. I’m hoping I can do it with cleaning too. I have tried FlyLady and never got into it. Unf*ck your Habitat looks intriguing.

        • If FlyLady is a little overwhelming, look at the book that inspired FlyLady:
          Sidetracked Home Executives(TM): From Pigpen to Paradise by Pam Young, Peggy Jones, Sydney Craft Rozen (Editor).

          It has you setup a card box with dividers for each day, week, and month. Then you have a set of cards with tasks and a frequency (1x day, 1x week, 1x month, etc.) on them. You sign the card when you’re done and put it in the correct spot for its next turn. You’re allowed to skip a task twice before you HAVE to do it.

        • Diana Barry :

          Meh. There is NOT ENOUGH TIME for that sh*t. ;) Maybe take a few days off and declutter? I can only do it first thing in the morning (if I get up earlier than the kids) or during naptime. Can’t do it at night, I run out of energy then. When I have vacation time again next year (grr) I am going to take a couple of days off so I can get the house under control.

          • Diana Barry :

            Also, if the clutter bothers your H more than it bothers you, you can both take a day or 2 off and figure out how to deal with it. :)

        • If clutter is a problem, then I think it would be helpful to really go through all of your things and decide if you want to keep them. Of the things you keep, make sure every single thing has a dedicated place. I try to do this at least once a year. I make sure all of the kids toys (I have three, ages is 1, 4, 12) have a container/spot on a bookshelf/etc. Deal with all mail, packages, etc as they come in. I take 10-15 minutes every evening and have my husband and kids help pick up any junk that has accumulated in the living room. Kids are expected to clean their rooms once a week (including under the bed, haha!). Also, try to do any task that will take less than a minute immediately. So hang up jackets right away, rinse dishes (the two older kids rinse and load their own dishes, oldest is responsible for unloading dishwasher every morning.) Get your husband and children involved in the cleaning and be a little ruthless about what you keep. I give away and toss out so many things, because unless it is something really special to me, it just adds up to m ore mess and more stress.

        • Our house got cleaner when we got a dog walker. I would catch myself as I went out the door because I was just unwilling to let the dogwalker see the mess in my kitchen.

          Has worked really well to keep my kitchen nice. Too bad the dog walker doesn’t wander my house or the rest might look nice, too.

          • Meg Murry :

            This type of thing works for us. Invite someone over that you don’t want to see your house as a pigsty. Often I can’t bring myself to clean just for myself or my husband, but having company over throws us into a frenzy of cleaning public spaces, and it usually lasts for at least a few days.

            Other advice:
            -Figure out your husbands pet peeves and your own, and do those if nothing else. For instance, when my husband declares “this place is a mess” what he usually means is “your clothes and shoes are all over the floor” in the bedroom or “the kids toys are all over the living room”. Dealing with these two issues makes the rest of the clutter less bothersome to him. For me its crumbs – every dish in the house could be dirty and it doesn’t bother me as much as a few crumbs on the counter or dining room table.
            -Set timers. I hate cleaning, and am often exhausted, but I can make myself do 5, 10 or 15 minutes of picking up if I know that’s all I have to do.
            -Find something else you enjoy that you can do while picking up. For me, that’s audiobooks while I put away laundry or dishes, and my favorite Pandora stations while I’m scrubbing the kitchen or bathroom.
            -Let your kids see you cleaning and help you clean. My mom wanted things cleaned “her way” and tended to clean after my sister and I were in bed or at school, then when we got older we had a cleaning lady, so when I went to college I realized that I never really learned how to clean anything outside of the few tasks that were my chores.

    • Book: Motherly Advice from Cathy’s Mom, by Anne Guisewite. Ties into the old “Cathy” cartoon strip (and my aren’t I showing my age. ). This book is not an in depth treatment of how to efficiently run a clean and inviting home. It’s more of a hit the highlights sort of thing, set forth in an accessible, conversational tone. If tidiness is not your constant companion, this book might be a good place to start. Note: The advice in the book covers a large range of topics, not just household management. My mother had covered a lot of the other advice in here, but the household management stuff – not so much, so that may be why I think of this book in response to your post. You can buy it for less than ten dollars on amazon.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’m also a slob in reform. For me, it really helped to listen to a girlfriend vent about why she was divorcing her husband. “We are adults; sometimes we have to just get off our @$$ and do things we don’t want to do.” “I don’t need him to want to be clean. I need him to respect me enough and my desires to attempt to be clean.” I realized that I was the “bad husband” in my relationship.

      I also have ADHD but on the plus side I also get the benefit of hyperfocus. I find cleaning TOTALLY overwhelming because I just don’t know where to begin and I simultaneously try to do ten things at once. I have once started loading dirty dishes into the dishwasher halfway through emptying the clean.

      My reform was a multi-step process. First, I admitted the problem and truly wanted to change. Congrats, you are there! Next, I identified my barriers and shared them with my husband. He now gives me concrete tasks, one at a time, as well as a couple routine chores that are always mine. The next step for me was making sure everything had a home. Finding a home for things is overwhelming to me. I used my hyperfocus while he was away one weekend to organize two junk closets. Instead of trying to find homes for the stuff outside of the closet, I worked to throw out or donate what I could and consolidate the rest. I bought those hanging accessory holder things that people typically put shoes or scarves in. Everything I was keeping went into one of those to be sorted later. Backpacks went on hangers and were hung up. Purses went into another organizer.

      For my personal closet, I had to make it as visually appearing as possible. If it looked chaotic I would add to the chaos. My closet now has only one type of hanger and the clothes are sorted work dresses, suits, work pants, work shirts, fun pants, etc. All the shirts are hung facing the same way and they are organized by color. This may sound insane and way beyond “clean.” For me it is all or nothing. Once I toss something randomly on a rack, I’m off the wagon and it all goes to heck in a hand basket.

      I really just had to adopt the mentality “I am doing this to make my husband happy.” He does all the routine cleaning. I just have to manage my clutter, clean up from dinner, empty and fill dishwasher and dump the cat box.

      We also made peace by me picking up some of the “man chores” since he was doing some of the “woman chores” so it would still be an equal division of labor. I take out and bring in the trash and recycling. I make dump runs. I get the oil changed in the cars. I change light bulbs. Etc.

      Good luck and keep checking in here! This site was a great resource for me one night when my husband refused to put the leftovers away because that was my one chore, even though I had already gone back to “working from home.” I vented here and everyone sided with him and explained that to him it seemed like I prioritized everything over him. Putting the food away wasn’t about the food. It was respecting him.

      Someone else said the breaking point for her was a bf that left a wet towel on her side of the bed. I have done that. Not out of malice. Out of cluelessness. I watch for stuff like that now and try my best to show I love him by not doing things that infuriate him. :)

      • This was a huge help! Thank you!!!!!

      • Slightly off topic, but funny story: My husband did laundry and knew I didn’t dry some of my clothes. So he took EVERY piece of my clothing out of the washer and dumped it (in a pile) on my dresser to dry. Needless to day, it did not dry. It mildewed while we were out of town that weekend.

        So next time, he neatly laid out EVERY piece of my clothing that came out of the washer on my side of the bed. Which soaked my bedspread, sheets, and mattress cover, and we didn’t get home that night until 3 AM. I was stuck remaking our bed in the middle of the morning: I was a grumpy wife then, and then again the next morning. I think he knows better now. haha.

        • he’s progressing! i think that’s really funny, actually.

          • It was not at the time, but I definitely laugh about it now. At the time though, I was ticked off that I couldn’t go straight to sleep because I had to be up for work the next morning.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        My boyfriend and I split the chores based on what we didn’t mind doing and what we hated doing. He hates doing dishes, so I do those even though it ultimately takes up more time than him taking out the trash, which is what I hate doing. He does help me dry the dishes a lot of the time though and doesn’t mind if I get a little behind because my schedule is crazy. It’s been working well because neither of us really has to do the one chore that just bugs us, which makes everything seem a little easier.

    • You have to buy a RHUMMBA. It does the work for yo, even when you leave for work. Also, who says your family can’t clean? I would NEVER let my ex sit around if we were still together!! FOOEY! If he can make crumbs he can clean up too. The same with the toilet. He was the one who could NOT aim, so why should that be my probelem?

      I say let them clean up there own messes! We are not their hand servants! Particularly b/c we have to wash our own sheets and pillowcases. I do NOT miss all the sweaty pillowcases. FOOEY! I have been liberated!!! YAY!!!!

      • OMG! I am a long time lurker and my first post got an Ellen reply! YAY!!!!

    • I posted here last week about my SO and cleaning and as a former slob I applaud you. I too used to have a serious clutter problem until I realized I was so frustrated never being able to find what I needed when I needed it. Or being able to see the few nice things I loved behind all the crap that was laying around. Or the dust (that was just foul). It seems like a lot of work and overwhelming, but not when you count all the time in your life you spend annoyed by the sh*t laying around.

      Get yourself some boxes – Trash, Donate, Hold on to. Anything you want to hold on to and don’t want to display/use frequently goes in the box. If after 6 months you haven’t needed/wanted one thing in the hold on to box – donate/trash them.

      Cleaning becomes much easier with less junk. And then, institute a chore chart. Once you do a deep clean a few times to really get everything up to snuff, it becomes a lot easier to manage.

      Last tip, try one room at a time. Or take a few days off and do it. One day to mentally prepare/relax on the front end. One day to relax on the back end.

      • Silvercurls :

        Try the site (Note: there’s no “www” in the link.) I read it for about two years until I absorbed most of its message (basically: simplify! simplify! set your priorities and simplify!). I don’t read it regularly any more but I check in on the Forums occasionally. Next to this site they have the kindest and most supportive comments and online conversations I have ever seen. People share developments in their own and each other’s lives, and trade advice, encouragement, and support. Some Forums have even developed their own jokes and private language.

      • See, this is my trouble. I can find everything just fine. It’s when it gets cleaned up I don’t know where things are anymore. He has a “home” for everything and none of them make sense to me, and 3 years in I still feel like I’m staying over at someone else’s house where everything but the kitchen is concerned. (He doesn’t cook, so he gets to stfu about the kitchen).

        makes me insane. I don’t LIKE it all perfectly organized, it feels cold to me. I love those pics in decorating magazines where every available surface is covered with collectibles and ‘stuff’. I keep the floor clean, it’s not like hoarders, so why do I need to keep my dresser top spotless for him when I like it how it is?

        Sorry. Rant over. I definitely keep things much neater than I did when I lived by myself (again, I’m talking clutter not filth) but I get *really* annoyed at the idea people put forth that ‘streamlined’ is the “right” way to be and cluttered is “wrong”. Bull.

        • I see your point anon, i like seeing my stuff on display not tucked away in hidden places. This is surely not being filthy. You are definitely not ranting, just voicing your feelings!

        • I am with you anon. My MIL, husband and BIL “clean” by tucking things away in “safe places” and then I can’t find anything and NEITHER CAN THEY! Like my BIL thought he would “help” us by cleaning our living room and dining room. 3 months later I found a pile of mail, bills, paperwork and the manual for my car tucked up in a cabinet that requires standing on a chair to get into. When I asked he admitted he put them there. It would have been better if he just threw them away rather than just hiding them in an obscure place. It may look neat and tidy at a glance but what good is that when you have cabinets and cabinets full of who knows what?
          Rant over. Sorry for the Ellen caps but this is a major pet peeve of mine.

    • Thank you all for your help! We’re in a unique situation because we’re in a rental house while our new home is being built, so the clutter is unusually high and the space we live in is temporarily small. But last night we emptied the remaining two boxes that were sitting in the middle of the living room, I ran the dishwasher (AND emptied it this morning!!), picked out today’s clothes, made my son’s lunch, and this morning we ALL made our beds. Progress!!!

      My goal is to know how to be a clean person before we move into the new house in 6 or so months. And everything will have a place in the new house, or it gets tossed.

  6. Between now and December 31, what one thing do you want to accomplish?

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Two things:

      1) Make my hours for the year.

      2) List my wedding dress on Preowned Wedding Dresses dot com. I keep forgetting to do it but by golly I will by December 31.

    • Take a bunch of pants to the tailor so I can finally wear them. Really, how cool would it be to wear the clothes I buy? Amazing.

      • seconded! Getting through my “to alter” pile would almost double my wardrobe, it’s that bad.

      • I totally need to do this. Thank you for the reminder!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Hit my hours goal so that I get my bonus in December just n case my project ends at the end of the year.

    • 1. Get through the two closings I am currently working on, on schedule and in one piece.

      2. Put up the Christmas tree and outside lights.

      3. Finish my Christmas shopping.

      4. Otherwise keep to my usual meal and laundry schedule.

      If I manage all those things, it will be a freaking miracle. Anything else is totally beyond me at this point.

    • Lady Harriet :

      Start sending in job applications again. (Yikes!)

    • Get knocked up. (Too bad Nature has veto power. She’s not been my friend these last few months. Let’s hope she’s nicer in the new year.)

    • Find my dragons.

    • Achievable:
      1. Bring lunch 60% of time
      2. Donate my donate pile
      3. Finish going through boxes of stuff. I am halfway through the boxes. Success is reduction of boxes by 50%.
      4. Complete 2013 personal budget
      5. Replace a cracked button on my wool coat’s sleeve

      1. Take pants to tailor to have pockets sewn shut.
      2. See SO. *sniff*

      • Sorry you won’t get to see your SO. Tonight is my SO’s last evening with me before the move. He thought he might come back in town to pick up his elderly stepfather for Christmas, but his stepfather won’t go because he doesn’t have cable in the mountains and he won’t be able to watch bowl games. Urgh.

        • Thanks, NOLA. I’m in the home stretch of all this LDR stuff, only 6 more months, so I’m trying to keep that in mind. The lining is that late December is a wonderful time to come into the office and save up my PTO. :)

          I hate the last night. I don’t handle them as well as I would like. Please let zora know if you need a tumblr gif pick-me-up. I can bring wine.

          • speaking of:

          • wait, you’re all on tumblr too?! Can I follow you?

          • I’m surprisingly ok. Of course, I don’t know how I’ll be tonight. I think my somewhat calm is coming from the fact that he is not dealing all that well with it and so he is planning lots of trips back. I’ve told him that I am trusting him that he loves me and wants to maintain this relationship so he’ll be here regularly.

          • Oh! I’m not on tumblr and I don’t think zora is either. I’m not even on Facebook!

      • Aww. Hugs from another LDR-er. It’s not fun, but we just have to remember it’s temporary.

        • TO Lawyer :

          Was just thinking the same thing! 6 months means you can see the light at the end of the tunnel eek! And NOLA, planning lots of visits back makes the weeks in between go much faster. I always start pre-planning weekends 2-3 weeks in advance because it gives me something to look forward to instead of letting me realize that I haven’t seen my SO in weeks…

          The last night is always a little tough but I always find the next day (after he’s gone) to be tougher… so if you’re having an off day tomorrow, let yourself wallow a little bit. I find being sad is usually better than trying to put on my big girl panties and pretend I’m not.

          • Thanks! 2.5 yrs down….I’m really trying to be zen about it; at least 2012 has been light on the wallet because of deployments and training exercises. I’m taking a big fat vacation in 2013.

            I hope you are all doing well. I watch a lot of stuff on amazon prime, bake, and generally prefer to hang out with people under 10 yrs old. :). 1% of me is dreading living with him because I’ll have be more considerate and less slovenly and change other habits that come with going from living solo to living as a couple, like the fact that I’m ok with a bowl of Honey Smacks for dinner. Hardly the worst things I’ll ever have to do. ;p

    • Sleep

      Find a New Job/Quit


    • Bert Macklin, FBI :

      Take a day (or even two!) off and sit on my couch catching up on TV, painting my toes, and drinking wine. Lots of wine.

    • -A bunch of sewing including at least 3 pairs of pj pants for my boys. I’d also like to get a pair of pants & a tweed skirt done, but only after the pj pants, as they are gifts.
      -Christmas goody making/baking. At the very least carmels & sugar cookies. Hoping to do cinamon bun popcorn I saw on Pinterest as well
      -My annual reading of ‘A Christmas Carol’
      -My work email inbox cleaned up. I’m terrible at leaving messages in my inbox & then I run out of room.

    • In the Pink :

      finish paneling one wall in my bedroom and have it stained and at least 1/2 polyed

      for business, get files in order for cpa

      for home control, start (?) to get files in order for cpa

    • Organize my home office. Go through the 800 million piles of papers and throw out as much as I can, file what I need to keep.

    • Muslim anon :

      Have my baby!

    • I’ll be having a baby between now and then, so, that!

      Also, I’ve been trying to read through my state’s entire rules of civil procedure, one by one. I’d like to finish with that and get my inboxes (personal and work) to zero. Not that I haven’t been trying these things for a while and failing miserably.

      • saacnmama :

        Hahaha–I understand what you mean, but it’s still pretty funny to intentionally misread and think you’ve been trying to have a baby for a while. Well, unless you’ve had medical tragedies, and then it isn’t funny at all.

    • Another Zumba Fan :

      Celebrate my 40th birthday! Yes!

    • Birth a child

    • hellskitchen :

      Send back the Zappos shoes I bought in April and meant to return. I am taking advantage of their 365 day return policy

      • I actually returned shoes to them once at about 363 days out. It really works! :)

    • SoCalAtty :

      Get hired by the city that I live in. Too ambitious? Well, a girl that wants to do policy/government/energy law can hope, right?

    • Pack my lunch 90% of the remaining work days.
      Eat more fruit.
      Get pedicure (this is hard for me)

    • So many things but I really want to get some solid diss writing done, maybe 15,000 words? I am planning on a super productive month since my friends will have scattered and I am stuck away from home. I’ve made categorized post it note to do lists on my wall so I pick a few tasks each day and not wallow!

      My original plan was to lay on the couch with my bear, watch Christmas movies, drink vodka and cry about how I want my mom and dad so hyper caffeinated overachiever is a welcome improvement.

    • Clear the clutter from the coffee and end tables in my living room. I would love to be able to put the remote and a mug of tea on either surface.

    • Are we calling giving birth an “accomplishment” now? Assuming pregnancy, birth is something that is pretty much bound to happen, barring an unspeakable tragedy. I can’t see that as a goal or an accomplishment…unless we are prepared to say that women who have late-term miscarriages or still-births somehow failed to accomplish something.

      • Bro, seriously?

      • Speaking as someone without kids, I think it’s an accomplishment; it makes my replace a button wish seem pretty insignificant, although an awful lot cheaper :)

      • Speaking as someone who has never given birth but who has “failed” at pregnancy, I am now, have in the past, and will in the future, call giving birth an accomplishment. And, non-anonymously and under my regular name ion this site, I am stating my opinion that snarking on women who are about to give birth because they regard it as an accomplishment is pretty crappy. “but” has her opinion, and this is mine. I won’t be back to engage in a debate on this and am not trying to start anything. There has been a spate of pointless mean jabs on this site lately that I find disheartening.

      • saacnmama :

        “BUT” I don’t think you’ve had a child. You’re right that these days babes usually come out healthy and don’t endanger their mothers’ lives, but have you ever even seen a new mom? Getting through that time is no nothin!

      • Muslim anon :

        Oh are we doing this now?

      • Mine was tongue in cheek. Its not like its going on my resume, but honestly its the thing I want to get done most in the next three weeks. I’m not going to get mega-graphic, but I’m working full time, on call and pretty uncomfortable at this point. It is way higher on my list than clearing off my desk, buying presents for my family, and other tasks. But it’s cool. I appreciate the feedback.

        • Muslim anon :

          Oh I’m totally putting mine on my cv. Right after awards and professional associations. ;)

        • My son weighed 9 1/2 pounds, you better believe I bragged about giving birth to that baby.

    • saacnmama :

      Get seriously started exercising/losing weight
      Send in at least one article
      Get the house in order (my study and the porch are full of boxes from when we moved in this summer; my room and DS’s are simply cluttered–which makes cleaning hard)
      Get the job lined up before the interest slips away

  7. Lizzy Bennet :

    Threadjack — I’m a (very) longtime lurker and occasional anonymous poster, finally deciding to mostly stick to one handle. I’ve been offered an opportunity for a short term assignment that would involve me traveling away from my home city four days/week for about 3-6 months. While I think I would like the temporary job, before I make a final decision, I’m wondering about what I should think through as far as the impact on my family/personal life. I’m married, with no kids and one (high maintenence) dog. Does anyone who has been in this position (any consultants out there?) have any advice or things I should take into consideration in deciding whether to take it? How did spouses deal with the separation? Any resentment for being stuck as a single dog parent during the whole week? I know my colleagues do things like this all the time for trials, but I feel like I’m in a unique position because I’ve been given full opportunity to say “no” if I don’t want to take it and I want to think it through before I jump in.

    • So we just lived a similar scenario. I started a job in a new city and moved there with our child. My husband remained in old city with our dogs until he got a job in new city. We saw each other on weekends, often with him and dogs traveling to see me in new city. It lasted for 3 months. It wasn’t always the easiest, but it worked out in the end. Your husband will be fine. He’s on familiar turf and can outsource dog care (daycare, dog walker, etc) for times he has to work late. Plus he has his friends and activities. You, on the other hand, might be a little more lonely in a strange place, but you will figure it out.

    • big dipper :

      Take the job! For 3-6 months, you can make anything work.

      My parents do this on a permanent basis. My dad has been traveling for work for 15 years now. My brother & I have moved out of the house now, my dad is gone 4 days/week and they have a very high maintenance (but very adorable) dog.

      Things that help them:

      – Traveling is exhausting so don’t make big plans for the nights you get back. Make sure your husband knows you’ll probably need a night to relax/just hang out.

      – Make sure at least one weekend day or night is dedicated to time with just you & your husband (i.e. don’t over do your social schedule, you’re going to want some quality time together)

      – Encourage your husband to have regularly scheduled social event each week. My mom plays tennis 2X/week and is in a bridge group. That way, 3/4 nights my dad is away she’s doing something fun with friends. She feels less lonely that way.

      – Communicate! I’m in a LDR so I’m a huge fan of video chatting. Learn how to do it, if you don’t already know how, and schedule a set time each day to video chat (even if it’s while you’re both eating breakfast). It makes a huge difference.

    • This will definitely depend on your spouse. I travel frequently, and DH likes the time to do “projects” (warning: this can get expensive). We also have a high maintenance dog, in that he needs SO MUCH EXERCISE TO KEEP SANE. We have a very dependable dog walker, and have back-up dog daycare just in case. DH always says that he’d much rather have the dog than be alone by himself.

      Big dipper’s advice is really good. The travel really does wear on you, so don’t think you’ll land at 5 and be at a restaurant by 7. (One, you’ll never land at 5. HA. and two, you’ll want to crawl into bed and get in your PJs). The only other thing I’d add here is to plan an AWESOME vacation that uses all the hotel/air points you rack up during the gig. That’s my favorite part.

      • Lizzy Bennet :

        Thanks all! I’m leaning toward taking it — final decision tomorrow! Good advice to expect to be exhausted each Thursday night… and great idea to use the miles/points for a vacation once it’s over. I’m lucky in that we live only about 5 minutes away from the airport here, so at least once I get off the plane I’ll be almost home. Brant, our dog is the same way.. she needs SO MUCH exercise that I feel bad making one person do all the long walks/runs during the week. I’m going to look into seeing if our dog walker can come more often and try to lots of long hikes with her (the dog!) on the weekends. My husband already has a sports league one night/week that I’ll definitely have him keep up, and video chatting is a great idea.

        • An additional thought is to get some local back-up in place for your husband – maybe parents, siblings or neighbours whom he can reach out to in event of emergency ? We’ve usually been able to work out house-keeping/ logistics smoothly enough when we’ve been long-distance except for when unplanned stuff happens – pipes busting, family member gets taken ill, house got broken into – and there’s only one pair of hands to deal with it.

          I’ve also found that a weekly commute by air quickly becomes routine – it wasn’t so hard to de-plane at high speed and still have plenty of energy to enjoy the rest of the evening, particularly if I’d been super-efficient on work commitments while isolated in the 2nd location.

  8. e_pontellier :

    Thanks for everyone’s advice yesterday!
    I saw this in Above The Law’s Morning Docket, so in case anyone was wondering about the teen who was sentenced to go to church every week for 10 years, the ACLU is on it (and is suing the judge). Here’s the article if you’re interested:

  9. Does anyone have a Mason Pearson hairbrush? I feel an impulse buy coming on!

    If so: what mixture should I get? I have normal hair, slightly thick (it’s not coarse, but there’s a lot of it), curly out of the shower but not the next day and it falls to my shoulders.

    • Hm, maybe one of the medium sized boar & nylon. There are some buying guides that recommend which brush works for different hair types.

      Honestly, mine wasn’t worth it for me. I have really low maintenance, straight, not-too-dry-not-too-oily hair though. It also didn’t help when my friend stayed over, borrowed my all-nylon brush and blowdryer, held the brush too close to the dryer, melted some of the bristles, and didn’t offer to replace or anything (the only reason I didn’t say anything is because she’s uber-sensitive, would have felt soooo bad, not stopped apologizing for days, and doesn’t buy high-end stuff ever so a hairbrush costing $100+ would have blown her mind)

    • Lurker Lurkerton :

      Try the Sonia Kashuk dupe from Target. If you love it, you can stop there or upgrade to the Mason Pearson. I stopped with the SK brush since it worked great for me

    • darjeeling :

      I’ve had one for 10+ years and I love it. It’s the smaller in size one, with the mix of nylon and boar bristles, which I think would work well for thick hair.

  10. I was reading through the comments on the ‘How Much Do You Spend on a Purse’ post. Now I’m feeling all perturbed. I recently bought (on ebay) a Tory Burch East West tote for $350 (this season’s bag is $500, and this one was used.) It’s not hugely logo-ed but it does have a quarter sized metal logo on the front. I’m an admin (with aspirations!) and make about 50 grand a year – I’m debt-free and unmarried so I can afford to spend big money on a purse while still managing to save.

    I know it isn’t a Birkin, but I’m only 28. Are people thinking thoughts about an admin having a mid-level designer bag? It might be worth noting that people do comment on how well dressed I am and that they like my clothes (but I’m plus sized, so these clothes are not designer – and I know they’re conservative! I think the problem is that I dress…fancier than the rest of the support staff, and some of the lower management) – is this a bad thing?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I wouldn’t think a Tory Burch bag would invite a ton of questions. I have friends making 30K who carry Michael Kors, Longchamp and Kate Spade bags that are holiday gifts from family members.

      I don’t think a $300 or even $500 bag would suggest “don’t need to work” or “privileged” like a Birkin, or even “fiscally irresponsible” since it’s still well within the range that it could be a gift, or someone could afford to splurge on it once a year and still eat. So I think you’re fine!

    • omg, honey, don’t even start this topic…. (It’s not you; it’s the PTSD)

      No, they are not thinking thoughts about it. Enjoy your bag and eff the haters.

    • No and No. :D

    • lucy stone :

      I think it’s fine. I’m a government attorney who makes 60k a year and although I don’t have any bags that spendy, I wouldn’t just you for having one and would probably compliment you on it. I also think being well-dressed is not a bad thing as long as you aren’t wearing something crazy like St. John every day.

    • Not a bad thing, maybe everyone plain old admires your style. :)

    • If I bothered to think about it, I would say “oh, she probably saved up for that” or “oh, that’s her splurge.” No judgment at all.

    • As long as you don’t prominently display the said bag on your desk for all to admire, no one will think any thoughts about how you outfit yourself above your station.
      And people in offices usually compliment each other on clothes, it’s normal, no hate lurking in the context.

      • Eh, I think it’s pretty easy to shut comments down.

        I used to be married to someone with money, but I liked my job and kept working even though I suppose financially I didn’t “need” to. The FIRST comment from the group at my work (about the mercedes I was driving, as it happened) was something along the lines of “Gee, must be nice to have a husband buy you a mercedes” said in classic snark tone.

        My response, deadpan, looking her in the eye was “Yes. It is.”

        when they figure out they aren’t going to make themselves feel better by belittling you because you won’t be belittled, it generally stops.

        Concern about higher-ups impressions of you is a different question, but that’s how I handle same-level snark.

  11. Threadjack for two questions that will completely out me if anyone I know sees this:

    I’m attending a wedding this weekend in Dallas. It’s black tie (gowns requested) and listed as 30’s glam black tie. Starts 4:30 PM. I am planning to wear a floor length purple/blue fitted gown, a vintage mink stole, black evening shoes (super cute), carry a blingy clutch with my (long) hair styled in a poufy french twist. Does this sound appropriate? This is my first black tie affair, and since I’ll be away from home, I have to pick an outfit and stick with it.

    Second question: The couple will be moving out of the country for a year after the wedding for humanitarian purposes, and are asking for donations to an online account for their expenses during their time overseas. I want to donate, but also get something small that will be helpful for the travel/time out of the country. Any suggestions? Travel pillows? Fancy luggage tags? Does anyone even use those anymore?

    • I’m in Dallas and now you have me curious about the location of this wedding (I’m not asking you to disclose). Anyway, I think your outfit sounds appropriate for what they’ve requested. And you’re getting lucky that we’re supposed to have great weather this weekend. Have fun!

      I’d go with really nice travel pillows. I’ve found there is a big difference between the cheaper ones and more expensive ones.

    • Your outfit is appro. No need to get an updo unless you want to or you’re doing it yourself. I rarely see updos at black tie events anymore.

      Also, re the stole, it’s supposed to be quite warm here until a cold front blows through on Sunday.

    • SunnyD, I actually haven’t even looked to see where the wedding is. It’s a church, but I’m not even sure if the reception is there at the church, or elsewhere. This is for my husband’s friend, so I’m just along for the ride so to speak.

      Herbie, since my hair is so long (mid thigh) I do updos daily and it’s way easier than leaving it down. It’s pretty run of the mill for me, and takes me about 10 minutes now!

      Thanks again ladies! I figured I would take the stole and wear it if weather permits as a nod toward the 30s theme.

      • Cornellian :

        holy crap. mid thigh! I just cut 4-6 inches off and mine is sort of natural waist, I can not even imagine. it doesn’t hurt? I always give up around the natural waist because it’s so heavy it kills ALL THE TIME.

    • Travel ideas—Travel pillows have totally won me over (get one with a Velcro fastener so it is easy to fasten to a larger bag or backpack). Also an outlet converter… you can NEVER have too many.

    • Brooklyn, Esq. :

      Re the gift: if they are coffee drinkers, what about a small but durable french press? Friends that have done this sort of thing have complained about access to coffee, and the french press doesn’t require electricity.

      Your outfit for the wedding sounds lovely.

    • saacnmama :

      Carbon offsets?
      A big scarf that has lots of uses?
      A sat phone?
      If you know a little quirk of theirs–addicted to a particular type of chewing gum or whatever, you could get a ridiculous amount of it?
      Nice headphones or portable ipod/phone speakers?

  12. Fairly Legal :

    Boyfriend TJ from a usual lurker: For the first time in my life, I am dating someone I truly love and we have a great, mature relationship. He’s far too good for me. I can see myself being with him forever. The only problem is that I started dating/LGP with him by cheating on my ex with him. (Yes, it is terrible that I cheated and I hate myself for it. Judge away). Current boyfriend doesn’t know. I haven’t lied to him about it because we haven’t really discussed exes, but I kind of feel like I am being dishonest. We’ve been together for about six months, official/exclusive for three. Do I tell him? It might ruin the relationship if I do, but on the other hand, he’s so great and nice that sometimes I feel like he deserves to know. I have no desire for my ex at all, but if everything goes like I hope it will, I want to eventually marry my current boyfriend, and I feel like that’s a big secret to keep.

    • I would not tell him.

      Then again, I also subscribe to the philosophy that I only needed to know one thing about my SO’s dating/LGP’ing history, and that was his STD status. I do not know, nor do I ever want to know, how many women he’s dated/LGP’d with, etc etc.

    • e_pontellier :

      Not judging. I wouldn’t tell. The only thing it would do is make him hugely uncomfortable about why you might tell him something like that. If you & current bf weren’t exclusive, you didn’t wrong him. Congrats on finding a guy you’re so happy with!

      • Fairly Legal :

        Thanks, e, and everyone else who’s replied so far. If anyone remembers, I posted about this new guy earlier in Spring, saying how we met and started seeing each other, but he had to go away for the summer for a job overseas. Anyway, I broke up with ex far before new guy and I were exclusive. Then new guy went overseas for the summer. I dated a couple other guys during the summer while he was away, just to make sure my already strong feelings were real, and all I could think about was him. I told him I saw a couple other people over the summer while he was gone, but he said we weren’t exclusive and that he couldn’t care about it.

    • Diana Barry :

      Don’t tell. It will just make things worse for no reason. (IME)

    • If the cheating on the ex was during the non-exclusive phase, which it sounds like it was, you’re ok not saying anything. You wouldn’t drag other mistakes from your last relationship into this one, why start now?

    • Is he likely to find out from someone other than you? If so, you obviously should tell him.

      If not, I think its probably best kept to yourself. It will only make him worry that you might do the same thing to him should someone better come along. Also, if your ex ended the relationship after catching you cheating, then new guy may question your level of interest in him.

      One more thing — assuming you do not tell, be prepared to talk about this prior relationship, why it ended, etc. in more detail as things get more serious with the new guy.

      • Fairly Legal :

        I don’t think current boyfriend would ever find out. He and my ex are in completely different friend circles, and my ex told me he has not even told any of his friends about the cheating.

        I basically just told the new guy my past relationships never worked out because I didn’t really have feelings for the past guys. I just dated them because they were nice and they really cared about me, but I never had equally strong feelings. My feelings for this new guy are surprising and overwhelming, and I now have a hard time even talking to other men without blurting out that I have a boyfriend.

        • Glad you found someone you care about so much! Based on this, I would not tell.

          To be honest, I think there are very few instances where you should tell anyone (including SO) that you cheated. Exceptions: if they are likely to hear it from someone else; if the cheating relationship has gone on for a span of months or years; serial cheating. It is usually guilt/shame that compells the cheater to tell, and it serves no constructive purpose to whoever you are telling.

    • I get the argument for not saying anything, but I would want to know. You don’t want a long-term relationship to always have that little seed of doubt and dishonesty at its beginning. Tell him what you said to us: you’re telling him because you think he deserves to know and because you see a real solid future with him. My husband knows my past, and I know his, even if it would have been more comfortable to hide or modify some things. And honestly, can anyone actually keep a secret over the course of a long-term relationship/marriage, with friends accidentally mentioning in-jokes or whatever?

      • This. You don’t need to tell today — I think it’s reasonable if you want to wait until you’re a little more established, but that shouldn’t turn into forever.

      • This. I also cheated on my ex with my now husband. I told husband at around the time things got serious, explaining that ex and I were on the outs. Obviously, he understood, and I think was flattered that he was worth it / successfully wooed me away.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes, this. Having been on your bf’s side of this scenario, I would caution you to think about how much harder it will be when (not if) he inevitably finds out — however hard you think it will be to have this conversation now, that would be worse. When I found out a few months after our wedding (we had dated for about 2 and a half years), it nearly blew up our marriage. Marilla’s so right to describe it as “that little seed of doubt and dishonesty at its beginning.” I was disturbed that he’d (1) been able to and (2) chosen to keep such a huge secret from me for so long. Fortunately, we found a great counselor and we worked it out.

        There are no circles separate enough to keep this secret: my husband was living in Europe at the time he and this ex were together, his ex still does, and I can count on one hand the acquaintances we have in common. I still found out. If you and he have a long-term future together, he will too.

        • Anonymous :

          One additional detail to my story: I had noticed when we’d had ‘the talk’ about exes that the time between her and me seemed a little fuzzy. I asked specifically if they’d broken up before he and I got together; he assured me that was the case. Over the first year of our relationship, I noticed that he still seemed very concerned about ex and her feelings. Again, I asked if there was anything I needed to know and he assured me there was nothing to worry about. When I “found out”, what I learned was that neither of those things had been true — e.g., that emails between them were being addressed to “sweetie” and signed “love you so much”, she was sending him job listings that would take him back to the country she was living in, he was sending her the reverse, he had made special plans to talk to her on Valentine’s day (after claiming school deadlines when I’d suggested we make plans), and he once got out of the bed he and I were sleeping in to pick up the phone and talk when she called at 3:00 AM.

          I share all that to point out that your situation sounds very different. But I still think you should find a way to share whatever it takes to make you feel honest, before he finds out from someone else.

          • I agree that he is likely to find out if you see a long-term future with him. Even if someone else doesn’t say something, you may end up saying something inconsistent as you get to know each other better. My ex told little lies about his past to me that I never questioned initially, but as I got to know him better he said things that contradicted his prior lies…eventually I put two and two together and started to wonder. Once trust is eroded, it’s so hard to regain and it sucks to wonder and not be able to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

          • Anonforthis :

            My DH is (and was) the master of the carefully worded answer. He has learned in the 9+ years we’ve been together that this sh*t doesn’t fool me anymore, but it did it first. He has definitely never lied, but he can be very crafty with his word choices.

    • Anonymous :

      I too think it’s best not to mention it but make sure you’re prepared for the day he does find out. You may think he never will but things like this have a way of coming out. Does anyone else know who may let it slip to him? What happens when you do reveal your exes and he wants to know how long you were single before you two met? Is this really a secret you want haunting you for the rest of your life?

      • Fairly Legal :

        I have not told anyone about the cheating besides the ex. It’s incredibly shameful to me and I can’t picture telling anyone, except maybe a therapist, IRL. Current boyfriend seems to want to talk about exes even less than me, which is fine because the thought of him being with other people wrenches my heart (even though I know he’s had past relationships).

      • SoCalAtty :

        I hate to agree with something that might cause conflict unnecessarily, but I would hate to have that hanging over my head forever. Did it happen while things were “on the way out” with your ex? Did you go back to your ex after?

        Because if the ex was already “ex” in your head, maybe it is really “I started up with you before I told my ex he was an “ex,” type situation? That I don’t see as so bad.

        If I’m totally making up facts (I’m in motion writing mode, so I’m being creative) and it went ex-current-ex-current, I think you probably have to still tell him because I’m learning everyone finds out everything eventually, and you might not want to sleep with that over your head if this relationship is really “the one.”

    • MaggieLizer :

      Were you cheating on new guy with ex? I.e., had you and new guy had the exclusivity talk but you were actually still with ex? If not, there’s no reason you should feel like you need to tell new guy – whomever you dated before you and new guy decided to be exclusive and monogamous is your own business. If so, though, imho he has a right to know just like any partner you cheat on and want to stay with has a right to know.

      • Research, Not Law :


      • Fairly Legal :

        No, I’ve never cheated on new guy. I agree with you that I should tell someone if I did cheat on them, and that is why I told ex.

    • I wouldn’t tell him right now, but you have to tell him at some point. It would be disturbing to me to be with someone for X years (or even married!) only to discover that they’d been in a relationship when they started dating me.

      At this point, though, you’ve only been exclusive for 3 months and dating for 6, so I think you can give the relationship more time to solidify before you make your disclosure.

    • karenpadi :

      In my twenties, I would have said “what do you mean, you haven’t told him yet?!” I would have demanded immediate disclosure.

      In my thirties, I wouldn’t tell him. In contrast to what people who get married in their 20s think, dating changes in your 30s way more than anyone would expect (or after reaching a certain maturity level/certain amount of dating history where it would take days to discuss exes). Now, I only want to know STD status and if any of his emotional baggage is affecting our relationship (so we can deal with it and move on). If you aren’t exclusive, it’s none of his business.

      The exception is that I would tell him if it’s likely a 3rd party would tell him (e.g., a family member or mutual friend). You don’t want him caught unawares. Otherwise, it’s one of those secrets you keep forever because it really would only cause him to be hurt and wouldn’t help the relationship.

      • This.

      • Double Boo :

        Totally agree. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

        • I also agree with karenpadi. Also in my mid thirties.

          The only reason to tell at this point is to assuage your own guilt (Which , if this was during the non-exclusive phase, is misplaced anyway. That’s what non exclusive MEANS for goodness’ sake), and hurting someone else so that you don’t have to ‘carry’ it is inappropriate in my opinion.

    • TO Lawyer :

      I would want to tell my SO (but we are both very open and operate on a full-disclosure basis). That said, I don’t necessarily think you have to because you weren’t exclusive for 3 months. My SO and I also had a period of 3 months where we weren’t exclusive and I definitely dated other people during that time (and he knows that). And I think he was with other people too during that time (although I’m not 100% sure).

  13. anon for this - Bloated :

    TMI Alert! I am bloated. All the time. I started taking a probiotic to decrease the bloat, but i think it made it worse. I look like i am 5 months pregnant. Any tips?

    • Might be food allergies. Might be gluten intolerance. Start keeping a food & symptom diary.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Ditto to Kanye. I had the same problem and mine was lactose AND gulten intolerance.

    • Alsoanon4this :

      I am also bloated a lot, and have major burping issues when I am. I started eating more fiber and things for my digestive system (Activa yogurt mixed with Honey Cluster FiberOne cereal: referred to as my ‘digestive health parfait’ only in my head though. hahah) and I’m feeling so. much. better.

    • Less meat. Less sodium. More water.

    • I was having this problem and have mostly cut out dairy (no allergy, more like a mild intolerance that suddenly appeared). I feel so much better.

    • Ugh. I feel you! I’ve been on a probiotic (Colon Health) + high fiber diet for about 10 days, and I am super bloaty! I took it to try to deal with my IBS, but I’m definitely more bloated now than I ever was. I’m giving it until the two week mark, and then taking myself off it. If the bloating pre-probiotic was new for you, I’d definitely get it checked out.

    • emcsquared :

      Get an allergy test too – I was bloated and tried gluten free, which made it worse. Turned out I was allergic to corn and soy, which show up a lot in gluten-free diets.

      And if it isn’t a food intolerance or allergy, yes to all the other comments – lots of water, minimize sodium, get regular exercise, fiber + probiotics (and sometimes it takes a while for these to stop making you bloaty, so give them a few weeks and ramp up slowly).

  14. Maddie Ross :

    Can anyone comment on how ASOS maternity clothes fit? I have never ordered anything from ASOS in general so I do not have a “pre-pregnancy” size. I’ve ordered things from ON with no luck and from GAP with minimal luck. I’ve got to find something else to try, or I may end up in a muumuu the next couple of months.

    • Diana Barry :

      For me, they were super small across the b**b and shoulder, and short, *but* only for the woven stuff (the stretchy stuff was pretty stretchy). I am pre-preg size 8 and got a woven dress from them really early on (14 weeks) that was a size 12, and that one fit. I got size 8 in their maternity leggings, though. Would prob order multiple sizes.

      • Maddie Ross :

        That was my concern about ASOS based on the pics. Thanks for the confirmation, Diana!

    • Legally Brunette :

      I have not tried any ASOS maternity, but I tried regular ASOS before I got pregnant and the sizing runs super small and the quality was mediocre. For maternity clothes, have you looked into Seraphine or Isabella Oliver? They are my go to’s for my maternity clothes and they often run 20% off deals, so it’s not too pricey. Much more expensive than Gap or ON, but considering how often I wear the same clothes it’s totally worth it to me. I don’t think I have ever got so many compliments on my clothes as when I started wearing maternity clothes, ironically! And the great thing is that the clothes are so stylish that I could see even wearing them after the pregnancy too.

      • Diana Barry :

        YMMV. I tried Isabella Oliver and it was SUPER expensive and didn’t fit right, so I never wore that stuff. I wore most often my stuff from Gap, ON, Pea in the Pod, and Asos (oddly enough).

        • Target actually has a really cute maternity line, probably more casual than work appropriate… but I often see something there, think it’s cute, & pick it up only to realize it is maternity… and ftr I’m not pregnant. ;-p

      • Maddie Ross :

        Thanks for the recs. Any sizing advice on Isabella Oliver or Seraphine?

        • I find that they both run pretty TTS. I haven’t had good luck with IO’s dresses (I’m a bit of a pear shape and haven’t found the dresses all that flattering) but I love love love the IO tops. I’m usually a XS or S in tops, and the size 1 in IO tops is a great fit for me. I have only ordered Seraphine dresses and ordered my usual pre-pregnancy size. Their shift dresses are amazingly flattering. The great thing about Seraphine is that it’s free returns if you live in the US, so you can buy a few sizes and return the ones you don’t want.

          This blogger wears a good amount of clothing from these lines:

  15. Lady Harriet :

    You guise, I have the most amazingly comfortable pair of new shoes on today! After months of internet window shopping I got a pair of Earthies pumps as a birthday/Christmas present. They arrived last night and that are the most comfortable heels I’ve ever worn. (My birthday was three months ago, so I’m justifying wearing them because of that, even if they’re half for Christmas. I’ll just wrap them up again!) The arch support is better than I’ve found in any shoe but Birkenstocks and there’s plenty of padding. They distribute your weight more onto your heels, so you don’t end up painfully tiptoeing around. I got them in a 30% off cyber Monday sale, but they’re still the most expensive article of clothing I’ve ever owned. They’re worth it.

    I have the Essex style, which is a tad frumpy, but I don’t care! I just wish Earthies made more normal shoes and fewer weird sandals. I really want the Sarenza Too as well, but I could only justify one pair, and since my previous pair of black pumps were lost by a loathsome shoe repair place this summer I had to replace them with something fairly conservative. I work for a small university that’s usually the upper end of business casual and they’re fine for work here, but they might be a bit too funky for business formal. The fit is pretty TTS–ideally I wear a 6.5-7WW, but I usually have to go up to an 8 in shoes that don’t come in multiple widths, and that’s what I got. They’re long on, but most shoes are. They have straps and my feet are so wide I’m in no danger of walking out of them.

    • I’ve been eyeing the Earthies Essex too! Problem is I’ve got narrow feet (normally wear narrow width shoes). These do have straps that would help, but I’m concerned about heel slippage. I’ve never tried Earthies shoes before, but from the pictures they look a tad wide – what are your thoughts?

      • Lady Harriet :

        My heels are much narrower than the front of my feet and I often have problems with heels slipping, especially since I have to size up shoes so much. I had a tiny bit of heel slippage, but not much and it wasn’t uncomfortable. If you have narrow feet it might be a problem, but I’m not sure.

    • Double Boo :

      So weird–I just suggested them in the post earlier this afternoon as something Barking Dogs recommended. Great to hear they were as good as the reviews.

  16. Almost There :

    I got pulled into a meeting this morning so I didn’t have a chance to say thank you for all the NYC suggestions on the morning thread, so – thanks so much! Great recommendations, I’m so excited!

  17. Style Challenged :

    I purchased the skirt in the link to follow. And the picture does not do it justice – it is a lovely berry striped color – but with navy stripes. The only way I can think to style it is with a navy cardigan/blazer. is there another way? and what colour top would I wear with the navy cardigan?

    • Style Challenged :

    • Ivory, white, or mustard blouse would probably work. If you have a khaki or caramel blazer/cardigan, that would look nice too. If you wear navy cardigan, I’d go white underneath. Pretty skirt!

      • I second a camel blouse or sweater. But, camel is my go-to. I think navy might be a bit too matchy matchy / British Airways uniform.

    • big dipper :

      No suggestions, but I love that skirt!

  18. Has no one commented on the suit? I think it’s gorgeous.

    • Fairly Legal :

      I like the suit jacket, because two-button jackets tend to lay better on me than one-button jackets.

    • I always love Akris stuff when I see it, but its way outside my budget right now. :-)

    • I love love love the regular Akris stuff (although it’s way out of my price range). The Punto stuff, however, seems to be a huge step down in terms of quality and isn’t worth what they’re charging for it in my opinion. I tried on one of the Punto suits and it just felt really polyester-y and cheap. They are also made by contract manufacturers in Eastern Europe, not Swiss tailors like the normal line. I feel like you are essentially overpaying for something that is Theory quality.

    • Concur!

  19. lucy stone :

    I am wearing the plush twill skirt from Talbots in English mustard today. I paired it with a grey cashmere tee, blue and white oxford, brown flats, and a wide brown belt. I have no idea what else I could wear this skirt with, please help!

    • If you’re still reading this, I think mustard goes with lots of things: navy, green, teal, berry. Also that burgundy/cabernet color that I keep seeing this Fall. Brown, if you can handle lots of brownish tones in your outfit.

      • lucy stone :

        Thank you! I have the same skirt in green and have tons to pair that with, but the yellow overwhelms me.

  20. Sorry, I need to vent–I went to a baby birthday party this weekend. I’m 33 and not married. Two separate men (one my age, the other two years younger and a father) turned to me, without any prompting and said “When are you going to have kids already!?”

    First off, I’m dying to have kids, I just am not in a position to yet. Second, where do these guys get off? Third, what if I were trying and couldn’t? Or had had a miscarriage?

    Just a PSA that it’s not an okay topic to broach with strangers. Ever. GRRR.

    • P.S. I got my revenge with the father by saying within earshot of his wife and one year old boy (as he was holding his niece), “ooh you look like you’re ready for another one! Maybe a little girl this time!” Sucka.

    • It’s not an okay topic to just toss off like that even with friends and family. It’s possible to be close friends and not know about difficulty TTC or MC.

      • Exactly! Especially two guys I barely know! I was so shocked. And pissed in case that much wasn’t clear.

    • Rude. JSFAMO. (Relatedly, I had my first bout of baby-jealousy last night when an old friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook. Normally I am unequivocally happy for people having babies, but this was the first time I felt a bit of heartache, too. So… I do get the sensitive subject bit).

    • Sorry that happened. I 100% agree with you and I don’t know how this became an acceptable topic of conversation. Even with a group of friends, I feel like it’s not really okay (what if you’re TTC or had miscarriages and you haven’t informed all of your college buddies? What if you want kids and your partner doesn’t or vice versa and its a source of conflict? etc) but especially from a stranger…so many assumptions there! Plus, whenever I get asked, i feel like, you are indirectly asking about my s*x life, I don’t know you, and this is weird.

    • My husband’s aunt will always ask us when we’re going to have a baby, and my husband and I have agreed that it’s not for us. She repeatedly calls us selfish, and one time came up and rubbed my stomach while asking if there was “anything in there yet” (I’m sure I’ve mentioned that on this site before). I felt like rubbing her head and asking “Is there anything in THERE yet?”

      I am so. sick. of the questions about when we’ll have children and comments of why we should, and how we’re selfish, we’ll regret it, etc.

      • Anonymous :

        I think you would have been 100% justified in rubbing her head and making that comment. How incredibly rude of her. And the touching part of that whole episode would have made steam come out of my ears. NOT OKAY.

        Plus, I totally don’t agree with the argument that NOT having kids is selfish. I know that people who make this argument are basically trying to say that if you don’t have kids, you are self-absorbed and you don’t want to make the sacrafices necessary to take care of another human being, but it seems to me that having kids is much more selfish than not having kids. There is nothing wrong with having kids and it is perfectly natural to want them, but unless you are adopting, you are basically saying hey, my genes are so great, let’s make more copies of them. And you are adding to the population of an already over-populated planet wtih limited natural resources.

  21. I know we talked about standing desks here a week or so ago. For anyone with a standing desk, what shoes do you wear?

    I’ve hacked up a standing desk in my office to see how I like it. It is going pretty good so far but I can tell that some of my shoes aren’t encouraging good posture. I work in research, so business casual dress, and many of my shoes are oxfords or wedges with 1 to 1.5 inch heels.

    • I was curious about this too. I had a box sitting on my desk today and had my iPad stacked on top while I sent a quick message and actually was really comfortable.

    • LeChouette :

      I keep birkenstock clogs under my desk. I wear them to stand in and then put on my heels whenever I leave my office. The birks do not see the hallway!! This is very important.

    • I wear all my heels but I got one of those shock-absorbing rubber mats, and I stand on that. It is genius – until I got that, I could only stand in flats.

      (and yes, totally giving myself away, as I am famous/notorious for my desk setup at my job).

    • I recommend adding a mat (search for standing desk mat or antifatigue mat) to help with shoe problems. I rigged a standing desk using boxes during my third trimester of pregnancy because sitting was super uncomfortable, and with one of the mats I was able to stand all day in 3.5″+ heels. But I am also known for doing insane things when shoes are involved.

      All of the standing desk talk has convinced me to build the Ikea standing desk hack this weekend.

    • After two herniated disc operations, I opted for a standing workstation. I’m the most comfortable while standing. The mat is a good idea. The biggest difference for me was finding comfortable and stylish shoes. I ended up donating many pairs of shoes because they hurt my feet while standing. Sigh. But it was worth it not be in pain. Good luck!

  22. Just wanted to say thank you for all the amazing gift suggestions (on the morning post) for my 14-year old niece! I did not even know you could design your own Converse sneakers! So cool!

    • Mountain Girl :

      You’re welcome! And I’m feeling like the cool and hip mom because I made the converse suggestion. It also helps that I am the mom of twin 14 year olds. Good luck!

  23. Jessica Glitter :

    Am I crazy to want a pair of sparkly shoes (for casual weekend wear)? And if you have some – want to recommend a cute and comfy pair that won’t make me look like a four year old?

    • AnotherLadyLawyer :

      NOT AT ALL!! My vote is the Cole Haan Air Bacara Ballet flat in sparkle black, but I’m not sure you can still find them (my searches seem to say they’re all sold out). I may also have a pair from the kids section of Target that I bought just to see if I could rock the glitter-shoe thing. (Also, you may get some inspiration from this XO Jane article on this very topic:

    • I LOVE mine. It was an impluse buy (ducked into Coach to get out of the rain and they had a sparkly shoe in my favorite color at a price I couldn’t resist and it was in my size!).

      But I end up wearing it all the time! It was my, “for dancing after my heels hurt” or “date night” or “dress up an otherwise blah outfit” shoes.

    • Double Boo :

      Don’t have but have been lusting after in Sperry Top-Siders. Convinced the loafer look balances the sequins. Less adventurous me will probably settle a bit though and just go for a metal color instead. Nordies has them in rose gold. If I were still in my 20s or early 30s though, I would totally be rocking the sequins.

  24. I’m surprised no one has brought up the popped collar!?! Combined with the sloppy looking shirt, it is very difficult for me to appreciate this suit. For this kind of money I would expect a much more polished presentation. The untucked shirt is showing between the legs, yuck! As presented this is too casual for what I’d wear to work. The dress, with a cardigan and closed toed shoes, would be okay.

  25. Does anyone have slippers with arch support?

    • Have you tried the TEmpurpedic slippers? They give great arch support bc of the foam.

      • Holy crap – mini-mattresses for my feet? I did not even know such a thing existed!!

    • Lady Harriet :

      I haven’t tried them, but I think the Orthaheel slippers look like they’d be really comfortable. I put Spenco insoles in a pair of regular slippers I had, and that was great. If you’re looking for something cheap that might be a good option, since the insoles are only $12 or so and you can put them in other shoes too.

    • kc–if you’re still around. I have a pair I love, but have no idea what the brand is. I can check tonight and get back to you.

  26. Rural Juror :

    I’m really fed up with my job because I feel like no one cares about me. Am I crazy to expect a workplace where my co-workers/bosses care? I’m a junior associate and I just slog through every day without any praise, without getting rewarded for the hard work I do (I.e. lockstep pay, others who are less professional and lazier get paid the same) and generally feeling like if I left no one would try to stop me or even care. Is this how everyone feels and I should just suck it up? I keep thinking of the mad men episode where don tells Peggy “that’s what the money is for” but in my case I feel like the pay is too low to sustain such feelings. I could probably put up wih feeling this way for more money.

    • I don’t think you’re crazy; that kind of thing is important to me, too. I do think it’s good to realize the good things about your job (surely there are some, right? at least that you have a job and can support yourself), but also good to remember that not all workplaces are like that. I’ve had jobs at which people thanked me for what I did and seemed to care about my professional development. Maybe the compensation system at this job, or just the culture of your office, aren’t a good fit for you. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing this and looking for something better.

    • I sympathize, Rural Juror (great name, btw!) Have you gotten any reviews yet? It’s very possible – even likely – that your efforts have been noted, and particularly if you’re doing more than others you’ve probably built up a good reputation. It’s possible this might be reflected in your performance review.

  27. I’m hoping I could get your ladies’ wise perspective on this — got in a perhaps pretty dumb fight with my husband over, of all things, soda. Somewhere along the way he started drinking 3 cans a day. Not diet, just straight up coke. I totally gasped when he told me and pretty nicely said, “Babe. Come on. You’ve got to cut that down!” And he kind of good-naturedly said, “No way.” And I kind of shook my head.
    But since then I’ve brought it up once, and then again today. And he got annoyed and said he’s not going to stop because he *likes* it. Which was just such an epically irritating rationale that – aargh. And he said he didn’t want me ‘nagging’ him about it. In a fit of anger I said it’s legitimate, that it’s terrible for him and then I said it was making him gain weight. Which I feel really bad about, and he stalked out.
    But he HAS gained weight — he’s gained probably 30 pounds in the last year. His friends have kiddingly mentioned it, and he laughs it off. That part’s secondary to me anyway, but I can’t pretend it hasn’t turned me off.
    Advice? Am I being a jerk? Is he?

    • Lila, it sounds like you brought it up in a respectful manner at told him how you feel but saying more at this point would probably feel like nagging to him. Encourage him to be healthy when you are together – suggest walking or hiking, eat healthy meals with him, stock your home fridge with smart water or sparkling water or similar. Aside from the weight gain soda erodes the teeth and bones, so I’d raise the issue again at the appropriate time but give it some time. I don’t think either of you is being a jerk, yet! I’ve certainly had stupider arguments.

      • Anonymous :

        agreed. As a former regular soda drinker, I can sympathize with him a bit, because the artificial sweetener diet stuff just tastes nasty to me. I would be concerned about the weight gain too, but I wouldn’t nag him about it. That could backfire and he may just get more stubborn about continuing to do it. I stopped drinking the regular stuff a few years ago, and now it seems way, way too sweet to me. I switched to carbonated, flavored, but unsweeted water. Still has the carbonation, but no gross artifical sweeteners, and no calories. So maybe try just putting some of that in the fridge and mentioning how good it is (without nagging)? I recommend the LaCroix or the Seagram’s ones (the lemon-lime canada dry ones are good too, but their berry flavor has a weird aftertaste).

    • saacnmama :

      That fast of weight gain is scary–could be a sign of something really wrong. Maybe you could address that with him and let him make choices about what he wants to do.

      • Meg Murry :

        I agree that 30 lbs in one year is a lot. And you aren’t off base on the soda – 30 lbs in a year is approximately 300 extra calories each day, which is around 3 cans of soda.
        But I can see how this could be a touchy subject. Is there a vice you are guilty of that you might be able to quit – make it a New Year’s Resolution to do together? Or do you need to lose weight too and could the 2 of you do Weight Watchers – the soda would probably be the first thing he cut if he was doing WW and saw how many points it was.
        Last, could you encourage him to go for his annual physical and dental checks? Maybe he’d listen to his doctor and dentist if no one else?

        • I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of you lovely ladies weighing in on this. Whoa, seriously no pun intended, heh heh. Thank you. I will back off for now, and take your most excellent suggestions on encouraging him in more constructive ways to be healthy, both trying to engage him in exercising and stocking up on healthy things in the fridge.
          Thanks again, Susie, saacnmama, and Meg. And Anonymous. :)

    • I totally hear you. Soda is a big thing for my bf–he doesn’t drink water outside of restaurants (crazy!). He tried switching to diet, but for me, it’s like, why can’t you drink water?! It is seriously one of my hang-ups about our future because I don’t want soda in my house when I have children.

      Then again, I LOVE my coffee in the morning and my teas and my seltzer, so I feel like I can’t nag too much.

  28. Niktaw - for Saacnmama :

    There is a website dapperlads dot com that sells matching tie-vest sets.

    • Niktaw, I think I love you. You have totally dressed my boy for this party! Thanks for all your help

  29. I need some quick financial advice…

    I am a participant in my company’s 401(k) plan. I did the Roth, am contributing 8% of my salary and will receive an up to 6% match at year end from my company. I should also add that I’m 22 and just starting my retirement savings.

    Am I able to also open an IRA? Traditional or Roth? Can I still take the “For AGI” adjustment on my 2012 tax return if I put $5,000 in? From everything I’ve read, because I’m a participant in my company plan, the “For AGI” adjustment wouldn’t be allowed.

    Can anyone be more insightful? Thanks!

    • Kontraktor :

      Not sure if you are still reading, but here are some takes on some of your questions. Yes, you can still open an IRAin addition to your 401k.

      Regarding Roth vs. traditional IRA… a couple of things. First, are your employer match contributions Roth 401k contributions or regular? I used to have a Roth 401k and employer contributions but then found out, when I went to roll everything over into a Roth IRA upon switching jobs, that my employer contributions were actually traditional and could not be put into a Roth IRA. So, if the match was not Roth, I might consider opening a traditional IRA just so I would have something built up to roll that money over into if I ever changed jobs.

      Other thing to think about is how much tax you are paying now and what your salary is. If you have a lower salary and are in a low tax bracket, I think you should get a Roth IRA and just put post tax money in there since you’re already paying a low tax rate. You will have time in the future to diversify assets into a traditional 401k if your needs/situation changes. Also, are you maxing out the 401k? If you are, that is 17k/year and roth is another 5k… so can you afford to pay 22k in cash/year into retirement? Or are you just wanting to open an IRA to have a bit of money in it but not max it out?

      I sort of think that if you are already maxing out your 401k and can’t afford (easily) to maxout the IRA, you might consider putting that money away in a savings account to keep it more liquid. My hubs and I right now are maxing out 1 traditional 401k, 2 Roth IRAs, and then contributing the minimum to get my max match with my new traditional 401k, but we can’t afford to max it out. But, we put extra money in our savings accounts/emergency funds/investment funds instead to save, but keep the assets more liquid anyway, the thought being if we can’t afford to max out the extra account, we should probably have the assets more accessible anyway.

      Don’t know about your tax adjustment questions.

  30. If I still lived a suiting life, I’d buy all of this in a flash.

  31. Ok FINE, i guess I’m back on Team Wade!! Damn this show just keeps jerking me around!! ;o)

  32. OMG. Century 21 is online now: