This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
This pretty little skirt suit first struck me as green, for some reason, and I thought, oh, what an unusual color. It is in fact a gray and white pattern instead (you can see the pattern below, up close), which may make it even more versatile than a light green suit. I like it as pictured with a simple white blouse, but I also would use the opportunity to add a bold color — a bright yellow always seems a natural thing to pair with a gray suit, but that's me; cobalt or red are both lovely as well, while a purple or pastel tends to be a bit more safe, subdued. The suit is available in both regular and petite sizes (as well as plus sizes, which are on sale); regular sizes run 0-16. The jacket (Halogen® ‘Impulse' Suit Jacket) is $138; the the pants (Halogen® ‘Taylor – Impulse' Pants) are $88, and the skirt (Halogen® ‘Impulse' Pencil Suit Skirt) is $69.
Update: There seem to be a number of Halogen suits on sale for 40% off — lots of nice ones, including this navy dot, this navy-white crosshatch one, and this previously featured peplum one.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Rosemagilly
I have a $25 gift card to sephora. I wear a full face of makeup but most is drug store level. Sephora level stuff I use is smashbox face primer and urban decay eye shadow primer. I want to buy something frivolous but that I can incorporate into my daily work look (professional staff mid level in big law) What should I buy that is not a lipstick / lipgloss? (Already have lots of those). Thank you ladies!
Rogue Banker
I absolutely adore their house-brand moisturizers – the mattifying+sunscreen one is my favorite thing ever, and it’s only like $16 or so. Add one of the tissue face masks and tax and that should just about hit $25.
Seconding the other comment as well, though – their mascara selection is to die for (my fave is Benefit’s RollerLash fwiw).
anon
I would buy an hourglass blush or ambient lighting powder, I’ve heard very good things about both. I like the brand’s foundation a lot. I just bought the tarte contouring stick, and I really like that also. I like the urban decay palette. So many choices. You specifically asked for not lipgloss, but I love the Lancome stain/gloss tubes, not sure what they are called. I hate when my gloss wears off and my lips don’t retain any of the color, the lancome product solves that problem.
JJ
I love my Hourglass ambient lighting palette. I also love anything by Tarte, but especially their primers, blush, and makeup palettes. Glamglow makes an awesome mud face mask and face wash that I swear have transformed my skin.
anon a mouse
Nicer makeup brushes. Heated eyelash curler. Dior mascara primer. Rollerball perfume for mid-day touch-ups.
Rosemagilly
Thanks all! I knew you would have some great suggestions. Off to sephora sometime this week to check these all out!
South Asian
I love the Josie Maran blush stick – much nicer quality than Tarte’s cheek stain sticks. Tarteist eyeliner. Face oils.
shadow
Eyelash curler. Glass nail file. Nail polish. Makeup brushes (although I find some really great ones from elf at Target).
TXLawyer
I love their mascara
http://www.sephora.com/outrageous-curl-dramatic-volume-curve-mascara-P386619?skuId=1580166
relationship advice needed
Immediate threadjack:
I am in my early thirties and have been dating a man also in his early 30s for about 6 months. It has been fantastic and we’ve gotten serious very quickly (I love yous, met family on both side when they have come to town to visit, discussing moving in together, our future, etc.) He is one of those really genuinely friendly people who is excellent at maintaining friendships, both in the city that we live and across the world. It’s something that I really like about him.
One of his closest friends is a woman that he dated 6 years ago. She now lives in a city a short plane ride away. They dated/lived together for three years, breaking up when they both left that city to go to grad school elsewhere. I was a bit alarmed by their relationship when we first started dating, but I raised my concerns and we had a really good, reassuring conversation about it. He does have other close female friends in town whom are great. I have met them many times and have zero qualms about them so after the conversation I didn’t really think more about this long .
Then last week this ex gf came to town to visit and it was bizarre. They used affectionate baby names to refer to each other, repeatedly told each other that they loved each other and just existed too much in the other’s physical space. The ex gf was also not very friendly to me and basically insisted that my bf be available to drive her around for the weekend despite the fact that she was actually there to visit family/see another very close friend.
I raised the concerns noted above to the bf last night and he instantly admitted that it was an “emotionally co-dependent” (his words for it) relationship and said that he hated that it was happening. He said that he would end it and that he really loved me and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship.
While I believe him that he does really love me and wants to improve move his relationship with his ex to healthier ground, I am doubtful as it its success. He has been in this emotionally co-dependent with his ex for almost a third of his life at this point. It’s not going to be easy to break those habits.
Also, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am wondering what he is texting people (he and the ex text frequently). The ex is also super close with my bf’s other good friends and family so I don’t want this issue to be a constant.
I am unsure what to do: take him at his word and try to see if he can make his relationship with his ex healthier or just end things now since this seems like a really messy situation.
tl;dr – my bf whom i have a fantastic relationship with in all other ways is in an “emotionally co-dependant” relationship with his ex. Try to see if he makes positive changes or end it?
Similar situation
Somewhat similar situation although we are both mid-20’s so not as long of a history. My SO had a bad break-up with an ex-GF and they stayed “best friends” and emotionally co-dependent (including still hooking up). I knew her as well and knew their situation. I refused to date exclusively until this was something that was taken care of and he no longer talks to her (has now been over a year where exchanging “Happy Birthdays” has been the only real communication). It feels pathetic, but in this crazy connected social media world, these kinds of things are very noticeable. He needed to grow up and this was part of growing up. I very strongly feel that in my situation, and in yours, it is because the break up was not done right. It doesn’t sound like your SO and his ex-GF really broke up…they slid into a grey area and are still in it.
Mountain Girl
First of all, slow down and breathe. I have a hard time thinking that the relationship with your ex and his ex could become “healthier”. If they have that co-dependent sort of reliance upon each other I’m not sure how he is going to be able to heal this relationship without her help and it doesn’t necessarily sound like she is going to be willing to move past that collegiate, adolescent sort of romantic friendship thing they have going. If she isn’t willing to move the relationship to the next level than HE has a choice to make. That choice is really whether that friendship or your relationship means more to him. And if he chooses YOUR relationship that probably means things are going to have to end with her. You can’t be worrying about what he is texting to her. The relationship with her will have to improve to a completely new and healthy level or end completely. If he means enough to you that you are willing to ride this through with him I would say to hold on and go for it but I would totally slow things down and put the skids on moving in together until you are absolutely certain which direction he has chosen. And you need to make sure that he isn’t going to backslide if she comes back to town for another visit to family.
relationship advice needed
Thanks for the reminder to chill. This issue has totally thrown me for a loop and I’m in a bit of a thought spiral. If you had asked me a week ago, I would have said odds would have been good that he and I would get married in the next year.
I guess I also agree that this relationship can’t be made “healthier” but i hate that this seems to be an all or nothing thing. I don’t want to be the ogre who removes this ex gf from this tight friend/family circle.
Anonattorney
I just want to say that after reading your posts, you seem like you are taking such a healthy and thoughtful approach to this situation. These situations are extremely hard to navigate. I think I am a logical and non-clingy person who is very confident in my relationship, and then some woman will cross the line with my husband and I’ll go into total weird jealous mode. Just so you know, you really come across like you have a great head on your shoulders. I completely understand that the behavior this weekend threw you for a loop – especially when it sounds like you hit the mode in the relationship where everything seemed to be pretty great.
I’m not sure if I have any advice, other than to keep communicating with your boyfriend. Be completely honest about your feelings. Tell him that you think your relationship is great, and that you’re pretty comfortable with how things are going, but that you really don’t know how his relationship with the ex is going to affect things moving forward. I think all you can do is tell him how you feel and put the ball back in his court to see what he does with it.
Anon in NYC
I would take him at his word for now and maintain a regular dialogue with him about changing their relationship. Like you said, their relationship is a habit and it’s going to take some time to change the dynamic. It doesn’t seem like you’re in a rush to figure this out right now, so I think it’s reasonable to discuss your concerns about their relationship in the context of your future (i.e., moving in together, etc.). If he can’t or won’t make positive changes then I think you need to reevaluate.
relationship advice needed
I am actually really eager to make this work but I have a hard time assessing whether or not his relationship with her has become healthier. They do speak on the phone sometimes but he makes the majority of his calls on his long driving commute so I’m not there to hear them. Also, they communicate via text which clearly I’m not seeing.
Do I ask to read their texts periodically or have him call her in front of me? Both of those seem creepy. I don’t want to feel like I have to babysit his interactions with people.
Baconpancakes
No, you should not read his texts. If you’re uncomfortable with what *might* be happening when they’re texting, he needs to stop texting her.
relationship advice needed
yes, I was being facetious about the text/phone call monitoring. that’s creepy and not a relationship i want to be in.
Genuine question – how can i tell if their relationship is “healthier” if all of their interactions are private?
Parfait
Nooooo, don’t do that. That’s every bit as horrid as she’s being.
I’m biased because my ex-husband is one of my best friends, but I do think it’s possible to remain friends with an ex without wanting to rekindle anything.
But then, we don’t use baby talk or pet names, don’t repeatedly say we love each other, nor do we get physical. He tried to kiss me once 8 years ago, I didn’t let him, and that has been it.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy ex to friend conversion.
relationship advice needed
Yes, i completely on board with the idea that exes can be friends and men and women can be friends.
That is not this.
Any thoughts on how I judge the “healthiness” of this relationship when I don;’t actually see them interact other than when she visits which is about twice a year?
Anonymous
+1
Terry
I think you can ask him to tell you when they chat. As in ‘ex-gf and I talked on the phone today’. (I agree asking what they talked about would be too much.) Also, ask him to help set boundaries during your next visit. For example, if she’s in town for a Saturday and Sunday you and your bf could see a movie or a show alone on Saturday (show might be better since it involves advance ticket purchase).
bridget
I’m biased, because about 90% of my fights with my boyfriend are about his out-of-state ex-girlfriend who cannot be in my presence without being nasty to me… so I say, leave. It’s not worth it. Don’t ask yourself this same question in a year, or two, or three.
Wildkitten
Yup. If I were in your shoes I’d want to be comfortable that this situation would not be a problem in 3 months or fewer. Definitely don’t move in while it’s still an issue – that makes it much harder to leave.
Lyssa
Agree with Wildkitten. I would definitely advise getting through another visit from her and seeing that things are definitely not the same before you make any life-related decisions. (moving in, getting engaged, etc.)
meme
Why do you have to be in her presence? I think sometimes you just have to put your foot down and avoid toxic people. And follow your own advice if your boyfriend is taking her side here/insists on spending time with her.
bridget
(Raises an eyebrow)
Are you really so clueless that you do not understand my lack of desire to let my boyfriend be alone with his ex who goes out of her way to be hostile, condescending, and nasty to me? Do you also not understand that while I would have, if I could do it over again, have made a different decision three months into dating, that is not what I would do three years in?
You’re not very bright, are you?
Anonymous
I think you need to calm down a bit. I actually don’t understand your lack of desire to “let your boyfriend be alone” with his ex. I assume they have children together? Just give yourself an out- when they have to see each other you be getting a manicure or something. Dont play into the ex’s power that she gets to see you and be rude to you.
If they don’t have to see each other and you bf just wants to see her than just get a new bf- if he lets other people treat you like that he will eventually treat you like that.
meme
Wow, that was a nasty personal attack. I’m just going to assume you’re having a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day.
I was just offering the perspective of someone on the outside looking in based on what you said in your comment. Of course your boyfriend shouldn’t be hanging out (alone or at all) with his ex who is terrible to you. That’s not what I was saying. See above re: “put your foot down” when it comes to toxic people (if she treats you terribly he needs to take your side and that means not spending time with her). And, like you advised the OP, I was just offering the advice that maybe if he chooses spending time with her over you feeling emotionally supported in the relationship, maybe the relationship isn’t healthy.
AKB
WOW
A
I hope that wasn’t actually you responding! jeez.
bridget
I was under the impression that I was not soliciting anyone’s advice so much as providing, with deliberately minimal detail, my own opinion on the situation.
Discussion over, ladies. Clear?
moss
I don’t think the ex is the bitch in this triangle.
SMH.
cc
Well for someone who is accusing others of not being bright, you apparently have no idea how a discussion board works. You don’t have to put something in a question format in order to get a response. You have managed to out yourself as the nasty person on corporette, and no, the discussion can’t be unilaterally ended because you have a problem asserting yourself in your personal life.
anon
^^Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re not the boss of what we discuss and when.
Ellen
Yay! Coffee Break! I love this suit, Kat, and think I can get the manageing partner to approve! YAY!!!
As for the OP, do NOT dump him yet. He is way, way to close with his ex, which could mean he also may STILL be sexueal with her. That means do NOT let him use is winkie with you again any time soon until you are SURE he is not using it with her. That means ANYTHING. NO touching, no kissing, and surely no penetration of any bodily cavity by that winkie until after he is done with her and after he is tested for STDs. If she is that codependent, then she also has had other winkies in her in her own hometown, which means you are also having sex with all of those other hidden winkie’s until you get tested and he get’s tested.
I would quiz your boyfriend right away, and find out what has been goeing on. If he does NOT look you in the eye, you can be sure he is having sex with her. That is NOT acceptable particulearly if you are thinking of moving in with him. How strange it would be if you lived together and came home and found her serviceing him in YOUR bed. FOOEY! Do not be a schmoe. Investigate before jettisoning him. He could be on the level, but I think you will find more then a ring around his winkie that needs some explaining. YAY!!!!
Baconpancakes
I was in the situation your boyfriend is in – emotionally co-dependent friendship, lots of sexual tension, etc, although it was with a friend, not an ex. I am now dating that friend, and incredibly happy. To be fair, my ex had a lot of issues, and honestly we should’ve broken up after six months instead of dragging it out for years, so my situation isn’t the same as yours.
On the other hand, my best friend was my high school sweetheart, and after breaking up and a couple of years of limited contact, we got back in touch and found we’d both changed so much that while we still cared about each other, the romance and sexual tension had completely gone out of it.
It’s possible to be friends with exes, and get back that emotional dependency, but only if you cut off your friendship for a couple years, and realize you can live without them. Real friendship doesn’t require constant contact, while romance kind of does, so he could very well go back to being friends with her later, and it would be fine. He should keep that in mind. However, if he can’t accept that he needs to cut off contact in order to be with you, he’s not putting you first.
relationship advice needed
There isn’t sexual tension there as far as I could tell, just a total lack of emotional boundaries.
He is close friends with other woman and on friendly terms with other women he has dated. I have no issue with those relationships at all.
This is just so weird and beyond the pale.
Anonymous
girl come one wake up. There is tension there.
Pretty Primadonna
This. And no other woman besides his mama is going to be making those types of demands on my boyfriend’s time and attention. Especially not an “ex” with which he’s “emotionally co-dependent.”
Soap Opera Storyline
I think my situation is similar to baconpancakes. I was actually married, and then reconnected with an ex-boyfriend by chance. We realized we were the love of each others’ lives, and now we’re back together and it was the best thing I ever did for myself – let myself make that choice. I had tried to take our relationship to a platonic and “healthy” place, but that was just not happening.
It’s probably not what you want to hear, but I like to think the result was the best for all parties involved. I never could have loved my ex-husband the way I love my current (and ex) SO. But like baconpancakes, there were years without contact, so it wasn’t a relationship grey area that we maintained for a while. When we reconnected it happened fairly quickly.
Maybe it’s possible to be friends with an ex, but I’m friends with zero of my other exes and am currently dating this one. If you can’t see your SO and his ex evolving their relationship to a completely platonic and healthy relationship that you’re comfortable with, don’t be shy in asking him to make a decision and a change. Any other way wouldn’t be very fair to anyone, especially you.
Rosemagilly
No advice, but this would bother me (probably a lot). I hope it works out for you!
Anonymous
If this was a rom com you are not the leading lady- your the one who makes the two main characters realize they still love each other. I feel like this is something he kept from you for 6 months- for me the greatest thing about my marriage is from the begining everything has always been so honest. I have never felt the need to check his phone or wonder who he is texting. I hate that feeling and I would hate to have it in this new relationship. Please keep in mind that sometimes when things move fast its not because you are both clickign as people, he might be looking for a stand in. Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, I really feel for you and thinking about you worrying about who he is texting makes me sad.
Senior Attorney
+1 to all of this
Red Flag
You’re in a relationship where your spouse admitted to being “emotionally co-dependent” with another woman. Is that a relationship you actually want to be in????
Six months in with that kind of red flag… something tells me he’s not “the one”. Sorry if that’s harsh, but honestly… it shouldn’t be that hard/confusing/complicated so early on.
Anonymous
It’s definitely a huge red flag. Can you talk to him more and find out if this issue has come up with past girlfriends (between the ex & you)? If other women have ended relationships with him because of this situation, and he still hasn’t cut off the ex, then yeah there’s not much hope. It’s possible (but unlikely, I think) that he really wasn’t aware of how unhealthy the situation is until now. I think he’s probably hung up on his ex (and she on him) but its possible he isn’t and the situation really can change if he cuts her off.
There shouldn’t be any texting. If he’s trying to end the relationship, then he needs to end it and break free of this person, and that includes ending the texting. He has more than enough other friends. She lives in a different city anyway, so if they keep texting, what’s changed? And like you said, if they keep texting you will be (rightfully) wondering what they’re saying.
To me the “I love you”s is a much bigger red flag than the baby names and physical affection (assuming they were just touchy-feely and not kissing or anything like that). The pet names and touching seem like they might be (admittedly inappropriate) old habits that die hard. But telling an unrelated person of the $ex you’re attracted to that you love them in front of your current SO seems beyond disrespectful to me and I don’t know how that can really be explained away.
I’m sorry you’re in this tough situation & I hope it works out well for you, whatever you end up doing.
relationship advice needed
Yes, apparently one other girlfriend had issues with this but it seems like that relationship was troubled in many ways so this issue wasn’t really focused on.
When I asked the boyfriend early on in the visit after my first meeting with the ex if he thought it went ok and if she liked me (at this point real red flags had not been raised.) He said that she didn’t really have anything to say about me good or bad but she “never really likes any of his girlfriends” so I shouldn’t take it personally.
Sarabeth
Really? I’m bi, and I tell both men and women that I love them on the regular (and they say it back to me). I mean it in a 100% platonic way, which all parties understand. If that’s a boundary you want to draw in your relationship, go for it, but I don’t think it’s a universally necessary one. Of the stuff that the OP describes, it’s the demands on her boyfriend’s time and the hostility towards the OP that are the biggest red flags to me.
relationship advice needed
I agree that none of these things in and of themselves are deal breakers but when taken in aggregate, they become alarming.
I too have friends that I say “I love you” to.
You know how you can tell when people are dating or smitten when they are stand in each other’s personal space and are very comfortable touching each other, etc. They also use pet names, talk in baby voices, and say i love you? that is them.
Anonattorney
Huh, that sounds troubling to me. I still think you talk through it and give him a chance to do something to make it better for you. I don’t think you can tell him what he needs to do, however. He has to come up with the solution. If he can’t do that then you probably need to move on. I’m so sorry.
TBK
I think he needs to stop communicating with her if he’s serious about you. Yes, men and women can be friends. Yes, people can be friends with their exes. But he’s not in friend territory with her. I don’t think “healthier” is any good because what does it mean? You’re okay with him having female friends. You’re okay with him having close female friends. You’re okay with him being friends with exes. Since none of those other things raise your suspicion, you can trust that what you’re feeling here means something. He stops all communication with her except maybe holiday cards if he’s truly done with that relationship.
nutella
Your last paragraph sums up everything to me.
Anonymous
How many times do people have to say this? This is a huge red flag. Its completely disrespectful. Stop worrying about being the “cool” gf. he hid the level of this relationship from you for the entire time youve known him. There is no healthier here- he needs to take a full break from her in order to get over her. do you really want to deal with nursing him through what is essentially a break up? Also I give this advice as someone who’s dh is still very close with one of his exes, but she is treated like a sister and has treated me like one too. Just because you are totally fine with your bf being friends with exes doesnt mean you have to be ok with him being friends with THIS ex.
Lyssa
Maybe I’m weird, but it strikes me as a little odd to frequently say “I love you” to friends. When something big and emotional is happening, sure. On their birthday, or some celebration of them, that seems normal enough. But just because they’re there? I probably did that when I was a teenager and everything was a big emotional thing, but now, and without some specific reason and in front of a SO? It’s kind of weird and strikes me as a huge red flag.
cc
OP, You literally just said that your bf is smitten or dating his ex. This is not going to work. See if he is willing to cut her off completely if you really think he is worth it, but to me, a guy who is still smitten with an ex, and who would disrepect me that much- literally telling his ex he loves her in front of you instead of doing everything possible to make sure YOU are comfortable- is not someone who is worth it. There aren’t 4 men in the whole world. find another.
Senior Attorney
I see a couple of red flags here. First, things have moved very quickly for you, so you don’t really know this person all that well yet. Second, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think relationships should be easy. And if it’s not, generally and barring the bumps in the road that life throws at everybody, then it’s probably not the right relationship. If you are six months in and are having a major issue, then to me that is a sign that this isn’t the guy for you. Third, and related to the first two, this guy has turned out to have a fairly major issue with the whole “co-dependent relationship with the ex” thing. I would caution you to think long and hard before volunteering to get involved in somebody else’s craziness. As somebody said on this forum a while back, men aren’t like real estate — there’s no such thing as sweat equity for taking on a fixer-upper!
It doesn’t matter if the relationship is fantastic in every other way. This is messy and likely to stay messy. I vote “end it now.”
TO Lawyer
I think you’ve got a lot of good advice even if some of it seems hard to hear. Honestly Senior Attorney is so right – relationships should be easy.
I remember posting a couple years ago about problems I was having with my ex and everyone told me there were red flags that I wasn’t seeing. And at that point, I wasn’t really willing/able to see them. Turns out that the hive, in its infinite wisdom was right.
I’m so sorry – this seems like such a tough position to be in and I really feel for you. Hugs!
Must be Tuesday
I think this is very good advice.
Anonymous
Senior Attorney, while I agree with your advice in this particular situation, the “relationships should be easy” saying bothers me SO much. I would agree that on a day-to-day basis, being with someone should be easy. They should make you happy, make you laugh, etc. and you should not have to feel like it is work on a daily basis to stay in the relationship. But the fact that *being* with someone is easy does not mean that the relationship itself is always easy, and if you run from a relationship at the first “difficult” thing that comes up, you will not have long-term relationships. There are many problems that come up between couples (and I’m not talking just about external hardships like a job loss or loved one’s death) that are worth working on and trying to overcome. I agree with you that this is probably not one of them though.
Scarlett
I used to have that reaction when I heard “it should be easy” too, until I met the right person where it actually is all just easy and I get what that means. To your point, anon – no, not everything is easy about being in a relationship, there’s compromises and all that, but the fundamentals are easy. You’re both into each other, you say it easily, you’re honest with each other, communication is easy. It doesn’t sound like that’s happening for the OP and to the OP – I’m guessing you’re struggling with the fact that it’s really hard to meet someone you click with, you thought you did, and now this has happened. I’m someone who spent a long time trying to “hang in there” in past relationships because of this, and I think you’re better off cutting your losses now. It will be hard, you probably will feel similar to if he ended things abruptly with you, and it will feel like a break up, but you deserve better than this. It just doesn’t sound like his heart is open to yours.
Anonymous
I’m the anon at 8:05 — I’ve been with the love of my life for 15 years & I still feel that way about the “relationships should be easy” advice (that it’s basically rubbish). While I would say my current relationship, is much easiER than previous ones (and better in many other respects too), it is not always “easy” per se. Relationship, even wonderful ones, do take work, and there is tough stuff to go through & figure out as a couple. We have, and have come out better and stronger for it. My parents have been married more than 40 years and I know my mom feels the same way about the “easy” advice. To each their own I guess. I had friends that were absolutely horrified by Ben Affleck’s “Thank you for 10 years of working on our marriage” words to Jennifer Garner during one of his acceptance speeches and thought he was basically breaking up with her from the stage. I thought it was a lovely and beautiful sentiment.
Senior Attorney
Anon at 8:05, I don’t know that you and I disagree about much other than terminology. What you said — relationships should be easy on a day-to-day basis — is basically what I meant. Sure, every relationship has its challenges. And yeah, it takes effort on both sides. But you hit the nail on the head — *being with* the person *should* be easy. You should never doubt that you are on the same team. That’s what makes it possible to get through the tough stuff.
Pretty Primadonna
I wouldn’t remain in a relationship with a man who is so clearly emotionally involved with his ex, and the ex with him. He is unavailable to you as far as I’m concerned.
Bewitched
agree, and I think it’s surprising that no one has commented how disrespectful his behavior with his ex was to you. He called her pet names, said I love you and existed too much in her personal space when you were in the room? That is just so….I don’t have words….His priority should have been to make you (his GF!!!) 100% comfortable with meeting and hanging out with the ex. Not to make her comfortable or happy. (Assuming of course, that you are normal and not cray-cray, which seems to be the case). I would feel so horrible about his behavior that I’m not sure I would be able to let him have a second shot. This is the person that’s supposed to have your back. Take a bullet for you. There’s no reason for him to have been so woefully tone deaf and to have totally disregarded your feelings and needs.
JJ
Something’s been bothering me in this entire situation and you nailed it. No considerate boyfriend would put you in that situation and make you feel that way.
Pretty Primadonna
Yep. All of this. How does his ex have more pull than his current girl? Baffling…
ETA: Also, as someone mentioned below, while their relationship can maybe change to something less… romantic? That change shouldn’t be on your time, OP. You can find someone who is available and who respects you and your feelings and affection.
Anonymous
I mean by reading other people who were in situations, the current girl is actually the other woman. there is no way this guy doesnt end up back with the ex
PJ
When he said he would “end it” did he mean totally end the friendship? I personally think that is the best option. I don’t deny that a relationship with an ex can become healthy, but I wouldn’t want to stand and wait for that relationship to transform into something more platonic. All of this is assuming he offered ending the friendship.
Not sure if I’ll get criticism here for suggesting he ends a friendship, but I feel that ex’s are an entirely different type of “friendship.” I don’t mean that he shouldn’t be cordial if he sees her or anything.
Anon here
So, my husband of 12 years could have easily posted this about me. I think you are over reacting. She doesn’t even live in town. They are good friends with shared history so it’s not odd they have inside jokes and pet names. He’s expressed the terms of the relationship relative to you. If you don’t trust him move on. Don’t drag him down with your neediness and constant need for reassurances. My husband is fine with my relationship with my best friend. He understands that friends are there to emotional support each other and he understands that ‘personal space’ doesn’t mean sexually involved. Assess you trust level and go from there, but the issue is with you not him.
Nope
Disagree. This issue is not with you. I have very good friends of the opposite sex that I am very close with, have inside jokes and pet names, say I love you, etc. None of them are my exes that I would treat like this over my current SO.
guilty anon
I was guilty of doing what your boyfriend is doing.
Ex-bf and I had a co-dependent relationship for years after breaking up. We lived in other states so I dated other people, and it bothered him. He dated other people, and it bothered me. Finally, I broke up with the last guy and was upfront with ex about my feelings aaaaaaaaand it turned out he was dating someone else and hid it from me. That pain, though, was so sharp, deep, and strong that it was the final blow that made me never want to go back again. The band-aid was finally off.
Here’s the problem, though. I didn’t want to go back to the old boyfriends. And I wouldn’t have chosen the boys I dated (even long-term) while I was still hung up on the ex or even now not hung up on the ex. Why? Because I dated those boys and in my head still chose ex over the current boyfriends. It was a terrible thing that I did. (Mind you, this was never physical, never “I love yous” spoken, but it was definitely emotionally cheating and he was my best friend.)
Fast forward and now, I’ve met THE ONE, and you better believe I wouldn’t risk that for the world.
I guess what I mean to say is this: it’s not about winning a competition. There shouldn’t even be a competition.
Hgts
I was in a situation similar to your boyfriend’s at the beginning of my current relationship. Still emotionally involved with my ex, even though I didn’t at all want to get back together with him. We were co-dependent and I just couldn’t see my way to breaking the cycle. My ex moved to a different state, which I thought would solve the problem, and it did not. If my ex hadn’t realized it would be healthier for us to stop talking, I don’t think my current relationship would have survived. I wish I had had the emotional wherewithal and basic consideration for my boyfriend to have broken it off myself, but I just didn’t.
Your boyfriend and his ex sound to me like two people who say they broke up but never actually broke up. It’s not okay for him to have a friend with whom he is unable to maintain boundaries. I’d say, if you do want to keep this relationship, it’s ultimatum time.
Brunette Elle Woods
If doesn’t cut off all communication with her, I would RUN!! No questions asked! You don’t need this cr@p. If you stay any longer under these circumstances it will only be harder to break things off down the line. He has unresolved emotional issues.
Bethany
“Emotionally co-dependent” is a very fancy way of saying “I really like her and/or I care more about not upsetting her than about your feelings.” If my six-months-in bf blew me off to dance attendance on his ex when she was in town, I’d take the hint and GTFO.
AN
I would end it if he isn’t willing to cut all contact with her. The baby names and other stuff make me uncomfortable.
fonder heart?
Yet another red flag to me is the fact that the only reason why they broke up is distance (leaving for grad school). Personally, breakups based on proximity rather than “for cause” generally do not FEEL like true breaks. Rather, the “what if?” aspect is more prevalent. The way you describe their current dynamic makes it appear that they have been involved in a long-distance relationship for years with all of the benefits and none of the pitfalls…
CountC
This was my thought as well. They didn’t break up because they had some deal killing, fundamental disagreement on a major relationship issue, they broke up because they just weren’t living in the same area anymore.
I would feel so hugely disrespected if my boyfriend of any time period (following the exclusivity conversation) acted like this with another woman, especially in front of me. I do believe that actions speak louder than words (almost always) and that when someone shows you who they are, you should believe him. If it were me, and he didn’t cut off all contact with this woman, I would peace out. Life is too short to spend time with people who blatantly disrespect you.
Em
How’s the quality of Halogen’s suiting? And how do the plus sizes look?
Lorelai Gilmore
Halogen suits are hit or miss in plus sizes. I have one that’s been great, but recently tried another that was cheaply made, with puckering fabric and seams. And I’m not that picky about quality, so if I noticed, then someone who cares about quality would definitely notice.
Anonymous
Thank you! Some of the pictures even look a little hinky.
anyanony
love halogen suits. gah, shopping ban.
Jules - PSA, program on supervising
For those who have been asking for advice about being a manager or supervisor, the ABA has a webinar coming up on this, free to ABA members ($95 for others).
http://shop.americanbar.org/ebus/ABAEventsCalendar/EventDetails.aspx?CUSTOMER_NUMBER%3B=&sc_jid=150430M&sc_channel=email&Promo=CE1505CAS-A&sc_sid=&sc=CE1505CAS-A&productId=140242944&sc_cid=CE1505CAS-A
Title Question
I’m going to start job hunting soon. My current organization does job titles a little strangely, so my current role sounds more junior than it actually is (think “analyst” when a comparable role outside my firm is “manager”).
Is there a way to denote this in my LinkedIn profile without misrepresenting myself? I’m considering putting my current title per my organization but then adding (____ Manager) in my title or job description. Thoughts?
AIMS
I’d do title and then brief 1 line job description using some form of the word “manage.”
Hollis
Is there any way you could ask for a title change? I was in your situation once and I thought it unnecessarily got in the way of job searching for me, but I also didn’t feel comfortable using something other than my official title.