Suit of the Week: J.Crew

142 Comments

1. I think this has been covered but I can’t find it — any recs for a care package for a long-distance friend who is starting chemo for breast cancer? What can I do for her from here?

   1. People typically suggest a blanket/throw because the room can get cold during treatment, as well as something for her to do while she’s sitting, either a coloring book, magazines, a book she’d like to read, etc.

      1. If you do a coloring book, I’d look for one with larger spaces to color, rather than a lot of tiny lines to fill in. It’s easier to do and may save her some frustration. But I agree, great suggestion, and some nice (at least crayola brand colored pencils) oh, and a pencil sharpener.

   2. When I was really sick with cancer and totally bedridden and 18 years old. Someone gave me a huge wooden ark they got in Africa with all the animals individually wrapped up. At the end of each day I got to unwrap one animal. It felt so good looking around my bedroom and being able to see the animals which represented how many days I had gotten through. It was a little carrot to get through each day, I could also distract myself by spending time guessing what animals were still wrapped up (and since they were carved in Africa it was a lot of unusual animals). It also gave guests who had no clue what to talk to me about – something to notice and discuss.

      I know this is hard to replicate – but think if you can think of almost like an advent calendar of chemo. Something little that she can unwrap each day and look forward to.

      1. Wow, what a thoughtful gift!

   3. My mom appreciated soft blankets, slippers or cozy socks, scarves (I think these are good because they can be used as a head wrap, but some people find these to be really personal and something they want to purchase themselves, so it can also be used just as a scarf), puzzle books with things like crossword/word search/suduko, pictures of family, hard lemon candy for nausea, a nice set of cards with a fancy pen and then send an initial note inviting a response (my mom loved writing and receiving letters. It really helped her feel connected and was something she could do when she had energy), and she also liked jigsaw puzzles and a puzzle mat.

2. I am intrigued by this suit. Has anyone tried it on?

   1. ditto. Same question.

   2. J Crew added a ton of new stuff (including this suit I believe) to the site just yesterday so I doubt it!

   3. I just ordered it in a couple of sizes. Will report back…

   4. The online reviews are saying it runs 1-2 sizes smaller than typical JCrew sizing – which is a bummer because the navy skirt is sold out above a size 2.

      1. Plus JCrew tends to shrink 1-2 sizes after the first dry cleaning/wash, so that’s another size up that you’ll want to go.

         I’ve gained 1 pound in the last 4 years, all of my other clothes fit looser, and somehow I can’t even zip my No. 2 pencil skirt after getting it dry cleaned, when that same skirt used to spin in circles around my waist because it was so big on me. This has happened with everything from Jcrew’s suiting collections post-2009, and in the case of dresses often times the dress shrinks but the lining doesn’t so the lining now peeks out the bottom (thus making sizing up to start not even an option). I won’t buy their stuff anymore.

         1. This sounds like a dry cleaners problem.

            1. +1 never had that problem w/ JC before

            2. It happens with every dry cleaner, and doesn’t happen to other brands that are taken in with the JCrew. Not sure how that could possibly suggest a dry cleaner issue. It’s an issue with poor JC quality. Manufacturers are cutting corners on the pre-treatment steps before cutting patterns, and JC is one particularly bad offender.

            3. This has happened with every piece of J. Crew clothing I’ve taken to the cleaners in the last two years. It’s a known issue–to save costs they stopped pre-shrinking many of their wool suiting blends (or whatever the technical fashion terms are). This is 100% a known J. Crew issue and one of the many reasons why I will never give them another dime.

            4. This happened to my Burberry wool trench. It’s a thing and I don’t take issue with Burberry for it bc wool shrinks and there’s not much you can do short of only clean with cold water. First world problems…

      2. Thanks for the sizing info!

3. I’m 31 and my husband and I have been married for 4 years. We’ve finished our education and have both held well-paying jobs for about as long as we’ve been married. We’ve been enjoying life as DINKs for a while now, both in terms of everyday stuff like day drinking and sleeping in and also in terms of taking some big bucket list vacations. We own a single family home in an amazing school district. We adopted a dog last year and adore her and have adjusted to the changes she’s brought to our lifestyle. All signs point to our lives being ready for a baby. The problem is, right now I feel like I have the opposite of baby fever. I’ve never been “a baby person” who wants to hug every baby I see, but lately when I see a baby on the street I just feel this huge wave of relief that I don’t have one.

   I do want a child at some point and, rationally, I want to do it my early 30s. No judgment to those who have kids later but there are lots of reasons I don’t want to wait too much longer, including fear of Down’s and other complications, the fact that I live in an area where most first time moms are around 25 and I don’t want to be more than 10 years older than all the other moms at the playground, and that I want my parents to be young enough to enjoy being grandparents at least for a little while (they currently have no serious health problems but are in their late 60s and I can already see them slowing down and becoming more exhausted by daily life).

   I feel like my head is telling me to try within the next year for sure but in my gut I just don’t feel ready. Advice? Would love to hear how you decided you were (or weren’t) ready for kids.

   1. Just wait for your gut to be ready. The FTMs you see now will be on their 2nd or third and therefore, much less judgmental when you are on the playground!

   2. Honestly, if you’re not ready, the reasons that you give shouldn’t “make” you be ready. Those are good reasons to consider, but if you’re not feeling in your heart of hearts yet, it’s not time to pull the goalie. It’s not exactly the same, but I feel the same way about having a second. Rationally, if we’re going to do it, the next year is the time. But even holding other people’s babies, I feel nothing but relief that I get to give it back. So I’m keeping the BC firmly in place. It’s a luxury in many ways to be able to make this decision, but given that it’s one you’re afforded, if you’re heart isn’t ready, just wait a little longer to see if it is.

   3. Don’t forget that even if you do get pregnant right away, you will still have 8 months or so to come to terms with the whole thing. I didn’t get baby fever until I was 33 or 34. Up until then I felt like you do now, minus the wanting to be the same age as other kids’ parents. BTW, once you have kids, you have a lot in common with parents of same-age kids, regardless of how old the parents actually are. I also found that in my neighborhood other daycare parents tended to be closer to my age, but the SAHMs were younger.

   4. I’m going to give some really terrible advice but it might be the kind of un-advice you need. Stop using whatever kind of contraceptive you’re using and start using c()nd()ms only (or similar method where you need to stop what you’re doing in the heat of the moment and take care of business…) Go crazy with your partner and have a passionate weekend. Sometimes you have to take a risk and let fate handle things. Signed, a decidedly risk averse person who got pregnant on a whim

      1. I see what you’re saying, but that is a decision to get pregnant.

   5. Somebody told me that you never have enough time or enough money for kids. I’ve found it true thus far.

      I was one of those people who can tell you the day she was ready for kids. I wasn’t… then I was. I think that the fact that I waited until I really wanted a baby has made me a much better, happier parent. I know someone who has admitted that they had kids because ‘it seemed like time’ and she has confided that, although she loves kiddo, she wishes she had trusted her instincts.

      That being said, some people just aren’t baby people. Not everyone loves the baby stage, some people prefer an older kid they can talk to and interact with.

      And trust me when I say nothing is guaranteed… I planned on having 3 biological children the old fashioned way but as fate would have it, I’ll end up with one ‘old fashioned’ baby and the remainder will be via surrogate/adoption/foster care. We like to think we have control over everything, but you really don’t.

      1. I’m not sure if you actually went the surrogate route, but if you did, can you tell me a little more about your experience with it, such as how you found your surrogate and about how much it cost?

         1. I am currently looking into it. I live in a state where only compassionate surrogacy is legal, and there’s the possibility that my insurance will cover some of it… That’s a long winded way of saying I have no idea.

            We have had someone come forward and offer to be our surrogate and a second person also offer, which has been an amazing and humbling experience. Both of these people are in our network of friends and family and offered ‘just in case we wanted to pursue that direction’.

            Someone on this board once mentioned that she was the surrogate for her nephew- are you still out there? Would you be willing to post an anon email address one of these days so I/we could pick your brain?

   6. We did not feel this burning desire to have children, although thought we would want them in the future. Like, looking out 30+ years, we wanted adult children but we were not cooing at babies on the street. My husband and I decided to have a kid because we were getting close to 35. I think if we didn’t feel up against that 35-year-old timeline we would have waited another year or two. Nothing wrong with having them later, but that was our personal cutoff for having our first kid.

      Now having had a kid, she’s so so great that I wish I had been ready earlier only because it would be a year or two more of my life that I would get to spend with her. But don’t have a kid before you’re ready. For us, a lot of day-to-day stuff doesn’t feel like a huge life change post-kids (we lead a boring life, I guess?) but stuff does still change. Vacations are different because kids generally require naps and a regular bedtime that interrupt how much you can fit in a day. You can still day drink, but it’s more like 1-2 drinks and then you call it a day. Dining out happens rarely and only when we can get a sitter. Sleeping in generally doesn’t happen, and if it does you wonder if the kid is getting sick. To me, those things are not significant because we were ready. I wouldn’t have wanted to give them up until then.

      1. I’m another one on the fence re: kid #2 and that is a really beautiful sentiment of being “a year or two more of my life that I would get to spend with [him/her].” Will think on that as we get closer to our timing (life/job things means trying kid #2 will wait a few months at minimum so the question is how far past that point).

   7. I’ve never been a “baby fever” person, and even with an infant now, I’m still not. But I am SO glad we decided to go ahead and have one. I am actually surprised how much I love being a mom to this kid. In contrast to some anecdotes above, we pretty much decided ‘it seemed like time,’ but it’s been the best decision ever. I always knew I wanted kids generally but never really felt an identifiable, yearning desire to have them nowrightnow. Even so, I actually kind of wish we had done this a year or two earlier– mostly for the reasons you mention, like not wanting to be much older than other moms, really wanting my parents to be around, etc., but also because it’s just so much fun. It’s possible that you might not ever have The Feelings that you seem to be waiting on (I didn’t), so I would hate for you to miss out by waiting around for that.

      1. I was never a baby fever person, and never wanted kids.

         My girl is four today, and I SOOOOO wish I had started on the baby project sooner, for the reasons above, and so that I could have more than 1 bio-kid. If you think you might want to do it, go ahead and pull the goalie, or at least switch to c*nd*ms and see what happens.

         1. c-nd-ms can have a 0% failure rate

            see how you feel about really, really pulling the goalie; if it freaks you out, then cndms may be a middle ground, but I wouldn’t use them expecting failures

            signed,
            no oops baby in 7 years

         2. Amused that two people have mentioned that as an idea because it’s actually our only method of BC, but it’s been working for 8 years and counting… (we’re very careful though, and could certainly be more reckless about it).

            1. I think that the idea is you can decide to go for it in the moment when you are ready vs. with other forms of BC there is going to be a waiting period. (Also our only form and we are careful and have one planned and no oops)

   8. I was in your spot at 29. I started the convo with DH because having one kid at 34 is way different than having the first of 3 kids at 34. I had no idea how long it would take, how much energy I’d have, etc.

      We ended up starting to TTC and I had my first at 30. Am pregnant with my second and will deliver 4 weeks after my 33rd.

      I’m not mad about babies and never had (still don’t) baby fever. The best advice I got was that nobody is ever ready. Just do it if it’s something you know you want since you guys sound ready (on paper). There will always be something- a promotion, a move, a sick relative, a wedding you want to be able to drink it (guilty….). You name it, the excuse will be there.

   9. Based on this morning’s discussion about using someone else’s baby name, I’d engage an IP lawyer now to lay claim to any baby names you might be thinking of ever using so that no one can take them (and if someone does, no recipe sharing parties for them).

      1. I’m the OP from that thread and just want to point out that I’m not all cut up about my sister using our last name as the first name for her baby, and was only explaining why that wasn’t the route I wanted to go. If I desperately wanted to name my child that, I would, but I don’t want to do it so badly that I’m willing to have our children (who will spend a lot of time together) have the same name. It’s not necessary to assume everyone is ridiculous.

      2. Ha, this is the one thing with respect to TTC that I’m *not* worried about! ;) We have one sibling between us and she’s 24 and single. And if one of our cousins used “our” baby name, whatever, we would use it too, because a second cousin isn’t that close a relationship.

   10. I agree with those saying that you’re never really ready, but also that you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t want them. One way I like to approach questions like this is to make a plan, then see how it’s looking. By which I mean, decide right now that you will start trying in, say, September (the future but not too distant future). Spend some time with the idea that you will do that – think about future plans in terms of the fact that you’re likely to be pregnant next year, that you’re likely to have a baby around next summer or fall, etc. See how you feel about that now. See how you feel about that in a few weeks, and in a few months. As the date gets closer, you’re either going to feel OK about it or you’re not. You’re not actually committing to anything until September, but pretend that you are, and see how that works for you.

       1. I think this is it actually – we had been tentatively thinking of trying late this summer and as the date grows closer I feel less ok about it. It’s also complicated by the fact that we are on an academic calendar & husband feels strongly that we should start trying in August-October to try to have a baby in the summer months (we are both aware it might not happen immediately and we wouldn’t put trying on hold once we start, but for some reason it is important to him that when we start we would be trying to hit our ideal timeframe). So while I’m a little freaked out about trying in <6 months, I'm also freaked out at the thought of not and then potentially having to wait until late summer 2017.

          1. If you think you’ll be ready in the next year, but not the next 6 months, then just forget about the August 2016 idea and just start trying whenever you want regardless of the academic calendar. When you start trying has so little bearing on when you will actually get pregnant that it’s not even worth thinking about. Talk to your husband and ask him to quit it. One of the nicest things my husband ever did for me was to say (about 2 years ago) “I’m ready for a baby, so whenever you’re ready let’s start trying”. It made me feel a million times better to be in control of the start date, given that there are so many other aspects of pregnancy and parenthood I will not be in control of.

          2. Does he know that the odds that you will actually get pregnant in the exact 1-or-2 month window he has in mind are really low? It’s not worth the extra stress to you trying to fit it into a likely unrealistic timetable.

             1. I’ve told him, but not sure he fully appreciates it. On the other hand, both of our moms timed us for the end of the school year and my mom especially loves to tell me about how she got pregnant the first month (with no charting or anything like that). So it does happen.

             2. I know it’s late, but I think it’s absolutely worth trying to time an academic calendar. I’ve done it twice, and I realize that I’ve gotten lucky. But the benefit has been huge – we get a semester off for mat leave, so depending on when you deliver, you could have anywhere from 6 months to six weeks before you have to teach again. I’ve gotten about 5 months both times, and it has made a big difference to my quality of life.

             3. to OP and Meme -especially since OP’s mom was successful the first month. I, too, got pregnant the second month “trying” both times and both times had a June baby. (Had been off BCP for many months at that time.) So it may work, it may not.

             4. Another person on an academic calendar. Got pregnant with my first exactly when I wanted to, which had him due late May. Then he arrived 10 weeks early. So even if you conceive on first try, you still never know. Our second baby was a bit unplanned (3 weeks off BCP–my fault but was stilled surprised). He arrived right before Thanksgiving and I only missed the last week and a half of the semester. Which is to say, could you time your baby for December and have off spring semester plus summer?

   11. Thanks all! I appreciate the insightful comments. I’m for sure more of a kid person than a baby person (I like toddlers even, just not a big fan of newborns). So I am definitely not waiting for “newborn fever” because I know that will never happen.

       1. I’m firmly in the no-kids-for-me camp, but I generally like other people’s babies/toddlers. Newborns are a whole different story – they are just SO tiny and fragile. I’m terrified I’ll drop it! Once they get a little more head/neck control, I’m fine, but before that I get so anxious about holding them.

          1. I don’t think anyone really likes newborns as a category. But you will like your *own* newborn. That’s how hormones work!

             1. I don’t know, I was still pretty “meh” about my own newborn (and not in a PPD kind of way, just in a “she’s pretty needy and not very interesting yet, and honestly not even that cute ’cause she’s sorta scrawny”). By 6 months, she was much cuter and more interesting. And the toddler years are awesome. But I don’t think you even have to like your own!

             2. I one of those people who loves my kids, but is meh towards most other kids. Not that I don’t like my boys friends, or love my nieces & nephews.

                And after my first 2 newborns were colicky, my 3rd wasn’t, and I understand why some people love newborns. I prefer babies when they are more interactive, though. 6 months starts to get really fun!

             3. Yeah, I don’t mean I didn’t prefer other ages, and there were moments where I wanted to throw my colicky newborn daughter out the window, but there are also those moments where you’re holding your newborn and thinking he or she is the most miraculous thing that has ever happened in the entire world. Like, I cannot believe I made that in my belly.

             4. I never felt that way…oops.

   12. I was in a similar situation. For a bunch of weird reasons, there was a time where it would be really perfect to have a baby (in short: ability to take a LOT of time off, but knowing I had a good, family friendly job, to come back to). I was chatting with my sister about “ugh what do I even DO with this weird time” and she said “I dunno, have a kid?” and we *laughed* because I was so not there. About a month later I noticed this acute mental shift: I wanted a baby. I was ridiculously lucky and two months later we got pregnant, and here I am. I love being my baby’s mom. I am still not A Baby Person (they’re fine, they’re cute, but they’re not my everything) but I do love my baby a lot. It’s pretty great. (I had my baby at 33.)

       I hate when people give the advice “one day a switch will flip in your head and you will want babies” because clearly it isn’t true for everyone… but it was true for me.

   13. I am not a baby person at all (never held one, no real desire to hold other people’s babies) but I knew I wanted to have children with my husband, and couldn’t really picture my life without children in the future. I’m not sure that I would have ever felt totally “ready” so we just decided to go for it and we’re now expecting our first child in about a month. I try to tell myself that no matter how much I plan, the timing is never perfect (right now my job situation is precarious) but hopefully that will prepare us for all of the uncertainties to come!

   14. I am 32 and pregnant for the second time with what will hopefully be our first child. My husband has baby fever, or baby rabies as I like to call it, but I really never did. I knew I’d want children someday and came to the terms that someday should hopefully be before he turns 40. If you really do want to time the baby as mentioned above, start using ovulation predictor kits now and that may help you. I was able to get pregnant the second month of seriously trying this time because I had such a good idea of when I ovulated.

   15. I was you – husband was 31, I was 30. Owned our house, loved our life (boozin’, sleeping in, etc.) We decided to have kids because my sister had major fertility issues when she tried having kids at 30, and I didn’t want to risk it. I was NOT ready for kids. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. It took me 7 months of TTC to get pregnant.

       Now, I am so ecstatically happy that I have a baby and my relationship and life is so deeply impacted by my son. I can’t describe it. You can easily identify the downsides to having kids — you get less sleep, your schedule is inflexible, you can’t stay up late and sleep in, travel is hard. BUT, until you have kids you have no idea how much they add to your life. You just don’t.

       So my advice is to just do it. I’m now a baby pusher. Some people here say “if there is any part of you that doesn’t want kids, don’t do it.” I say screw that. If there’s any part of you that DOES want kids, do it now! Because it’s awesome. Seriously awesome.

       1. Yeah, agreed. My life before I had a kid was pretty awesome, and when we first started TTC my attidude was, ‘if it happens, great, if not, no big deal.’ But now that I have a two year old … so, completely awesome. I want to have another but no luck yet (I’m 38.) I wish I’d started sooner. There was always small part of me that said, ‘someday,” but I didn’t think far enough down the road to realize that the door isn’t going to be open forever.

          There’s an excellent chance that your current ambivalence towards newborns will turn into love once the kid is in your life. No one regrets having a kid, but at least some people regret not having one. It may not be a popular opinion with this group, but I’m with Anonattorney – do it. Seriously, awesome.

   16. I say take your time! I was in a similar boat and had my first baby at 34 – my husband and I were DINKs for 4 years after we got married. We really enjoyed our lifestyle but always knew at some point we wanted children…but the older I got and the more time I spent with babies, the more anxious I was b/c I realized how much work they were. We finally bit the bullet b/c I definitely wanted a kid before 35 and I slowly started to feel ready to have a baby. That being said, we got pregnant super fast and I had a complete panic attack the first week I found out i was pregnant b/c i was like…I AM NOT READY! but our baby is almost 6 months now and she is the most wonderful thing ever – however, it was a really hard couple of months at first and a complete lifestyle change for us, and i do wish i would have squeezed in a few more international trips, etc before the baby came. i agree that you are never really ready for a baby but you can still take advantage of the time you have and wait a year or so more so that you are more mentally in a place to start trying. life is just so different after you have a kid…in fantastic ways but also not so fantastic ways as well.

4. I don’t think I ever felt ready for kids, or for all the annoying lifestyle changes that have come along with my 4 wonderful children. But I knew that I wanted to have children in my life and that it would give me great love and joy, and so eventually we went for it. It’s not a rational decision. I generally think that no one would rationally choose to ruin her body, undermine her career, complicate her marriage, and create new expenses. It’s not a head decision. It’s a heart decision. I just felt like our lives were full and we were ready to be parents together.

5. I work in a place with a pretty lax business casual dress code, something that’s a big switch from where I was this time last year. I’m also halfway through what I hope will be about a 40lb weight loss. Any ideas about what basics I can buy to get me through summer? That will hold up to continued weight loss?

   1. Jersey wrap dress, like the BR Gemma, or really any semi-stretchy dress. Skirts are also preferable to pants. Your high waisted pencil skirt can transition into a regular waist pencil skirt in 10lbs.

   2. If you want pants – Old Navy Pixie pants are a great business casual option and they’re inexpensive (plus Old Navy always has a discount code you can use) so you won’t feel guilty if you can’t wear them in a year.

   3. Knits in dark colors. Choose skirts and dresses rather than pants. A black, knee-length ponte skirt will hide a multitude of sins (or lack thereof) both on the way up and on the way down the scale.

   4. I went through this about a year and a half ago when I lost just over 60 lbs. I bought low cost options and donated items as I was done with them. The Liz Claiborne Emma ankle pant from JCP was a great warm weather option. I’ve compared them to items in BR and JCrew and feel like the material and construction is on par. But I fully agree that skirts and dresses are more forgiving than pants in this situation. I bought some ponte dresses from Target that were workhorses and held up really well. They worked well within an almost 20 lb range, from looking quite fitted to being too loose. I also really pared down my wardrobe so I had very little clothing during the loss and when I first got to my goal weight. I relied on accessories to brighten things up and add interest to my outfits.

6. I have really bad spring fever today. I don’t want to be here and I don’t have any pressing deadlines so I feel like I’m not doing anything worthwhile. What are your tricks for faking motivation to get things done? I have a ton of things I could be doing but nothing I have to be doing right now.

   1. Same except there is stuff I have to be doing right now, I just don’t want to work on any of it. Ugh. I keep getting up from my desk for stupid reasons just so I don’t have to sit here and be reminded of it.

   2. I make a short list of things I need to do on a post-it and just try to get a couple of those things done. I have a hard time focusing if I don’t have a pressing deadline but the post-it helps me focus on what needs to get done.

      1. Are you me? I also make my list on post-its, although lately I’m just adding more and not crossing any off :)

   3. I really want to go to the park and read a book right now. No advice but commiseration.

7. Has anyone noticed how omnipresent those shoes are in print ads for women’s business attire?

   1. You know, I never really had before, but now that you mention it, yes. But I honestly can’t imagine really wearing shoes like that to work.

   2. Yes! I think they’re the go-to when the stylist doesn’t want the shoes to compete with the outfit. I’d never wear them to work, either.

8. I kind of love this, but I worry I would spill something on it in the first 10 minutes of wearing it. The navy version isn’t quite as interesting looking.

9. I am in love with these but have no idea how I would wear them:

   http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jeffrey-campbell-faviola-cutout-western-bootie-women/4204256

   Also, is it stupid to spend $$ on a pair of shoes I can’t even wear to work? I have had good experience with JC shoes lasting well so I think they’re worth the price, just not sure if I should spend it on something I’ll wear on just the weekends.

   1. Those are adorable but I think they would be really hard to style, and limited in terms of the seasons you could wear them.

   2. Yeah, I like those as a concept but I have no idea when, where or how you’d wear them.

   3. These would be great festival shoes.

   4. I had something similar to this when I was in college in 1992. Too bad I didn’t keep them.

   5. I’d wear them the same way you’d wear any other Western style boot. With jeans, maybe dress pants (just the toe of the shoe visible), with skirts/dresses – though that’s going to be a more casual look.

      I think the cut outs are going to look more like leather work and it’s not going to be immediately noticeable there isn’t another layer of leather/fabric underneath.

10. I am… overweight. If I’m being honest with myself, I am obese.

    What does this mean for TTC? Sometimes I think about how little energy I have or have much back pain I have and I can’t imagine being pregnant, much less having to care for a baby.

    Any anec-data from the Rettes about conceiving while overweight/obese? I know the obvious answer is to get into better shape before TTC, but I also want to be honest with myself that even with my best effort, I may not get to a normal weight before we want to get serious about having a baby.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. My mother has told me for as long as I can remember that she tried for years and years when she was overweight. She lost 40 lbs and got pg immediately (with me). And that’s how I ruined her body and her life just when she was finally happy with her size.

       As an aside, I applaud you for not trying to get in the best shape of your life only to have your shape get all out of whack and then hold it against your child for 30 years and counting.

    2. I was obese and out of shape when I got pregnant (BMI around 32, and it’s not muscle or a large frame or anything like that). I had a healthy baby, which is the most important thing, but I had a very difficult pregnancy. Of course people who are not overweight can also have difficult pregnancies, but I can’t help but think that at least some of the issues I had were related to my being overweight. Also, I lost approximately 10 pounds while pregnant, went back to my pre-pregnancy weight by delivery, and then was 15 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight about 1 month after my son was born. This sounds great, but it did not feel like healthy weight loss, and my body felt wrecked.

    3. This probably isn’t what you want to hear but all the obese people I know (friends/family/coworkers) who have had children have had multiple miscarriages and very complicated pregnancies. In the time spent trying to deal with the obesity related problems it would have been much faster to lose the weight and then have a healthy pregnancy.

       1. I’m sorry, but this is a very skewed sample. I am obese. Really obese. I conceived both children on the first month, without even trying. I had two perfectly healthy pregnancies, two terrific deliveries, and two healthy babies. No miscarriages, no gestational diabetes, no complications. Of course I would have preferred to be thin when pregnant, for multiple reasons. But I was reasonably healthy despite the weight, walked a lot, ate good food, and I did just fine. I think it’s scare-mongering and unsupported by evidence to conclude that everyone who is obese will have multiple miscarriages. By contrast, my thin SIL had a miscarriage and children with multiple issues.

          And for more anecdata, my sister is also obese and had the exact same experience I did, complete with fast conceptions and easy deliveries and healthy babies.

    4. I would have a really frank and honest conversation with your OB. I had a pre-conception consult with mine on a variety of topics so I don’t think it’s unusual but maybe for insurance purposes you might have to combine it with your annual.

       Anecdotally, I know two women who were overweight and ate so well that they lost weight (or didn’t gain, same thing) and unlike SC above felt fine. One just said she ate a “perfect diet” 100% of the time – counted calories or whatever – and ate unprocessed foods, no empty calories, lots of lean protein and leafy greens, no highly refined/starchy carbs, lots of water and milk. So just eating clean and eating, say 2500 calories a day instead of 3000 might be the right level.

       Maybe your doc would recommend a certain way of eating, calorie level, meetings with dietician. Even Weight Watchers allows pregnant women to follow a points program with a doctor’s written ok. There is also a PCOS diet that another friend followed that after six months on it she became pregnant after years of trying.

       After my pregnancy (I was overweight but not obese) my doctor said that if I were to get pregnant again she would recommend a gestational diabetes diet to me, even though I wasn’t diabetic. I think I would have benefitted from a better diet (though my pregnancy was easy and my kids were fantastically healthy) and when I was later diagnosed with celiac/gluten intolerance, her comments made perfect sense.

       1. I definitely didn’t lose weight from eating cleanly or anything close to a perfectly healthy 2500-calorie diet. One of several difficulties in my pregnancy was severe nausea, and there were weeks I had trouble keeping anything down. Even after it got better, I had irrational aversions to many foods (including all meat), so I still didn’t eat that much. My doctor felt like I was fine, numbers-wise, and the baby was plenty healthy. But, not surprisingly, it just didn’t feel the same as previous weight losses from healthy eating habits.

    5. My sister in law is overweight (but not obese) and ultimately had a healthy girl. She did have 1 miscarriage and ended up having gestational diabetes while pregnant (which I later learned is very common if you are overweight). She ate very well and in limited portions and lost a lot of weight while pregnant. Unfortunately she has gained it all back but her child is beautiful and healthy. It’s going to be harder for you but it can be done. Talk to your OB.

    6. I am overweight too and understand the struggles of losing weight and host of other issues (like low self esteem, being made fun of etc) that comes with being overweight. We want to TTC later this year and I really want to lose weight and I am working on it with more conviction than ever. The main reason is I read somewhere that babies whose mothers were obese during pregnancy were pre-disposed to being obese. I really don’t want that to happen to my children (my struggles with weight is enough). I just feel it is my responsibility to be at healthy weight and maintain healthy weight gain during pregnancy if it can reduce the chances of my children being overweight.

       I know I am not helping you and my even get people angry for placing responsibility on the mother for an obese child. I just feel depressed imagining my children struggling like me with weight related issues and I want to do everything in my hand to avoid that.

    7. I’m obese as well according to my BMI, but I don’t have problems with fatigue or body pain and according to my doctor am in good health. I spoke with my doctor about whether I need to lose weight before getting pregnant, and he was insistent that I did not. I gave still decided to make efforts to lose weight – I probably won’t be a “normal” weight, but I think even losing 20 lbs may decrease the stress on my body/baby. I’m amazed that having a baby is motivating me in a way that fitting into smaller clothes never has.

    8. This was one of my good friends. She was frank about it with her physician and her GP helped her develop some goals while she was TTC (not massive weight loss, but healthy eating and a certain amount of exercise- I can’t remember all the details but she started daily evening walks with her husband) and then when she was pregnant her doc helped her to develop a different healthy eating plan for that period, not about losing weight but about gaining only the appropriate amount and making sure she was getting all the vitamins, protein, etc she needed. She was really happy with it and now that she’s delivered she’s carried on a lot of these habits and has actually lost a lot of weight.

    9. I’m also obese per my BMI – I was a size 12/14 before pregnancy. I got pregnant on the second month of “not not trying” and had a relatively easy pregnancy that I don’t think was affected by my weight. No gestational diabetes, some tolerable back pain that probably would have happened anyway.

11. Where should I eat in London? Looking for all sorts of cuisines and price points. We are coming from food heaven (Houston :)) so just looking for really good food. Particularly interested in a good Indian food restaurant, good pub food, etc. We have reservations at Dinner by Hestom Blumenthal and Chiltern Firehouse.

    1. Be careful being proud of Houston cuisine on here. The West Coasters don’t like it!

       1. So what? We all tend to be city-centric and happy with what we love in our own areas. Houston is known for tons of restaurants in all neighborhoods and all types of cuisine.

    2. We tried for The Ledbury but it’s booked until forever. :(

    3. Light of India. It’s the main floor of the Montana Hotel. It’s in Kensington, a bit past the V&A if you are walking from Harrods to the restaurant.

       We were there 10 years ago and loved it. I was worried too much time had passed. Well, we went two weeks ago and it was a wonderful as ever!

       Best Indian food I’ve found – up to what I had when living in the Indian subcontinent.

       Enjoy! Now I want some Naan and Djapatis! OR … hum, chicken tikki, chicken curry, on and on…

    4. The Windmill for british pies and pub vibe.
       Babylon Roof Gardens for food and views.
       Windows at Galvin
       Dragon Castle for Dim Sum/Chinese
       MeatLiqour
       Flat Iron is pretty great for an easy night
       Gaucho (their Rib Cap steak is one of my favorites)
       Sushi Tetsu (if you can time the booking, it’s really hard)
       Honey & Co for my favorite Saturday brunch in London (slash the UK, slash anywhere really. Get the Mezze, trust me.)
       Little Georgia (near Angel) for Georgian
       Zigni House (or one of the other great Ethiopian and Eritrean places around)
       Manna (creative veg and vegan fare that’s super good)
       Any specific things you like/don’t like?

    5. Go to eastern eye balti house on brick lane. Brick lane has some of the best Indian food and eastern eye is the best one there. The restaurant doesn’t look any different than the others, but it’s great. Don’t be put off by the sales people that will approach you to come in their restaurant, it’s how they do business on brick lane.Order the dish that has lychees in it. It’s phenomenal. Also go to the orangery behind Kensington palace for casual tea and scones. Enjoy!

    6. If you’re looking to spend a day romping around the countryside my local pub growing up is half an hour out of London and constantly winning awards for pub food – The Royal Standard Of England.

12. We’re thinking about a quick day trip to Memphis or New Orleans, in search of good southern food and some time away from the kids. Where should we go, where should we eat, and any tips on hotels?

    1. In Memphis, fancy hotels are the Peabody and the Madison. Peabody has resident ducks that march through the lobby, led by the Duckmaster, and swim in the fountain each day (check for what times). This is fun to see even if you’re not staying at the Peabody. You could go to Graceland but could also skip it. Sun Records where Elvis recorded his first album is interesting and is less of a commitment than Graceland. For lunch, Gus’s Fried Chicken (this is a must) and then Jerry’s Snow Cones right afterward. For dinner, Itta Bena, Iris, Felicia Suzanne’s. Breakfast at Brother Juniper’s (on weekends, get there early)!

       1. Seconding Gus’s and Jerry’s!(Alhough Jerry’s is a drive). For barbecue, Rendezvous is a standard, but Central, Bar-B-Q Shop, Cozy Corner, and Payne’s are all delicious. For soul/southern home cooking, Alcenia’s (be prepared for a wait and a hug from the owner), the Four-Way, and Soul Fish. Our paper, the Commercial Appeal, just did a series on soul food, so I’d google that if that’s your thing. For fun, wander Overton Square (food and theater), Overton Park (green space, art museum, zoo), Broad Avenue (art galleries), and Cooper-Young (food, galleries, general funky vibe), in addition to Beale Street. Visit the National Civil Rights Museum, the Rock and Soul Museum, the Stax Museum of American Soul Music. Iris is incredible but reservations are a must! Or go next door to Second Line for New Orleans in Memphis. Other good fancier eating – Tsunami, Hog and Hominy, Bari. There’s a ton of stuff to do here!

    2. Friends who visited me stayed at Le Pavillon and loved it. I’ve been in the International House and it’s really nice. The Hyatt is beautiful but it’s further away from the French Quarter (near the Superdome). I don’t know much about French Quarter Hotels. They’re convenient if that’s where you want to spend your time. Lots and lots of places to eat. Depends on what you mean by southern food. Atchafalaya has true southern food.

       1. Oh, I’ve stayed at La Pavillon and liked it. It has that older hotel feel to it (marble, heavy drapes, etc.), which is kind of fun. It feels like it has a bit more local flair than a normal hotel (although, I’ve also stayed at the Omni and the W in N.O. and enjoyed them, but they are definitely just run of the mill hotels). If you’re there when it’s warm, La Pavillon has a rooftop pool, which was also fun and a cool view of the city. And it’s a super close walk to the French Quarter, but not directly in it, which to me is preferable.

          I also recommend the Peabody in Memphis. If you’re staying downtown, that’s really the best option in my experience, although I’ve also done VRBO rentals in Memphis with success.

    3. New Orleans is amazing in every way, but it takes some research to find the best food. I wouldn’t recommend aimlessly wandering around the French Quarter thinking you’ll randomly hit upon good food. I’ve had some truly awful food in NO over the years when I was with casual groups of friends who didn’t care and dropped in any old touristy joint (and trust me, bad crawfish is an experience no one wants).

       For the best dinners, STUDY the reviews on TripAdvisor and Yelp and see what appeals to you. Do Cafe du Monde; the line moves quickly. The Gumbo Shop on St. Peter is my favorite for gumbo. You must get a Pimm’s Cup at Napoleon House. If you just want an affordable, “normal” breakfast before starting your day, go to Mena’s Palace on Chartres. Pancakes, eggs, bacon – all done quickly and affordably.

       For jazz, I like the Spotted Cat – there’s a nice open air market on the block that’s open late on the weekends. I also like Fritzel’s jazz house, but NOT the pushy downstairs – go upstairs for an intimate setting you’ll remember for years. I don’t care for Irving Mayfield’s – it has a stiff, corporate vibe that I wasn’t a fan of. Plus, the apps weren’t that great.

       For hotels in New Orleans, I prefer the chains on Canal. Close to everything and you can use points or find a deal.

       In the alternative, have you considered Greenwood, Miss? Stay at the Alluvian, visit the spa, take a cooking class at the Viking Cooking School, then spend your time exploring the delta. This article makes about all the recommendations I would. http://www.foodrepublic.com/2013/06/26/the-mississippi-delta-where-to-eat-in-greenville-greenwood-and-indianola/

       Also check Southern Living – they have great travel guides for all of these places and more.

       1. Greenwood is a great idea. We’ve actually been to both Memphis and NOLA before, though it was ages ago (thus the request for info) but have never been to Greenwood. Sounds really fun!

    4. Civil Rights Museum is a must. Tsunami is delicious. For BBQ, go to Central, BBQ Shop, or the Germantown Commissary. They are all better than Corky’s or Rendezvous. I’ll be in MEM over Easter weekend and am looking forward to trying Andrew Michael Italian Kitchen!

       1. Andrew Michael is SO GOOD. Hog and Hominy (same owners/chefs) is also delightful and my favorite in Memphis.

          Agree that the Civil Rights museum is great and definitely worth seeing! I love the Zoo and the Mud Island River Park as well.

          Downtown, Cafe Keough is good for coffee, drinks, light stuff. Second Line has a delicious breakfast poboy for brunch.

    5. Second Cafe du Monde in NOLA. So touristy but SOOOO good.

       I love going to different cities for a weekend and eating all the things and I think Memphis is going to be my next trip. This thread is making me so hungry! (Kind of curious how both Memphis and NOLA can be a day trip for you, though! Aren’t they about 6 hours apart?)

       1. Also if you like Southern food and haven’t been to Nashville, add that to your list for sure. That was my most recent weekend trip and it rivaled Charleston for best Southern food I’ve had.

       2. We’re actually spending Easter in Mississippi with relatives. So the idea is to leave the kids with the relatives for 24 hours and go somewhere — anywhere!– without them!

    6. For a quick trip to New Orleans away from the kids, I’d stay in the Quarter or nearby. Depending on your budget, I’ve enjoyed stays at the Omni, Ritz Carlton, and Roosevelt. I like getting beignets to go from Cafe du Monde and, then taking them up on the levy (Woldenberg Park). If you want more of a brunch meal, my favorite is Cafe Amelie on Royal Street, if you can get a table outside. It’s worth a couple of hours to stroll through the quarter. It’s fun to get drinks at Carousel Bar and Kingfish (best Pimm’s Cup, in my opinion). I’ve also done an “oyster stroll” instead of one big meal and gone to Luke (raw), ACME (fried/po’boy and chargrilled), Antoine’s (Rockefeller), and Redfish Grill (bbq). If you’re looking for a romantic dinner, Bayona is one of my favorite restaurants and definitely one of the most romantic.

       For a completely different plan, you could stay in the lovely 1896 O’Malley House in Mid-City and spend several hours in City Park. The park has a beautiful sculpture garden, lots of walking trails, kayak/canoe/paddleboat rentals, the New Orleans Museum of Art, mini golf, and lovely picnic spots. You could easily make a day out of it. In that neighborhood, I would suggest Biscuits & Buns on Banks or Ralphs on the Park for breakfast, a picnic in the park, beignets at Morning Call in the park as a snack, dinner at Cafe Degas or MoPho, and dessert at Angelo Bracoto’s.

       1. By the time I finished my post, I forgot about the request for southern food. For dinner near City Park, there’s a newish restaurant called Brown Butter that gets great reviews. I haven’t been yet because I have a 10-month-old and rarely go out anymore.

          1. SC, if you haven’t been to Boucherie, you have to go. It’s so good!

             1. NOLA, I have been, but not since they moved–which Google is telling me was about a year and a half ago. It is so good though! I’ll have to put it back on my mental list of yummy restaurants. You’ve mentioned before you live in the Riverbend area, right?

          2. Yeah, I live to close to Boucherie, I can walk there. I’ve been twice since they moved. The second time was even better than the first. I actually live up by Palmer Park.

    7. Memphis – we love Blues City Cafe. Far better ribs than Rendezvous, although Rendezvous is worth a visit for atmosphere. Also Itta Bena and Flight. For breakfast, Blue Plate Cafe. Hotels – this is random but we always stay at the Courtyard Marriott. I swear I’ve had better customer service there than many a fancier place.

       New Orleans – Mothers restaurant for po’boys and bread pudding, Central Grocery for muffalettas (Once I actually bought a whole muffaletta and flew home with it in my carryon bag). Cafe du Monde of course!

13. I’m moving into a VERY business formal environment after years at VERY business casual. Those of you who are business formal: what are your go-to basics (brands of hosiery, shells WITH SLEEVES, etc) and what are the current styles (suit pant styles, suit jacket length and number of buttons, almond/rounded/pointy toed shoes)? My business formal wardrobe still has items in it from the early aughts . . .

    1. I don’t have any suggestions but if you have a Nordstrom near you, they have a great personal shopping service that’s free. You can make an appointment and specify what you’re looking for on their website.

       Also, check the archives of c o r p o r e t t e, obviously.

    2. I’ve worn Italian hosiery for decades. Filodoro…the Aurora style. I get them via Canada —- shapings (dot com). I find they fit better, last longer, and give a better appearance than the typical USA department store brands. Also like the Sylvia brand – which I wear for going out … their toeless and flipfop styles are amazing, as well as the regular hosiery in that brand.

       I wear a regular, traditional, hip length blazer. I get skirt suits from Macys mainly…. and pretty ones (not traditional) from neiman’s on sale.

       The sleeved and sleeveless Judy P tops are great underlayers. They are hand wash only … don’t show anything due to the double layering in the front, but I don’t find them hot at all. I get them from a local boutique, the web iteself from the label, and believe it or not, gumps online usually has them on sale often.

       1. The second brand is Sylvia Grandi

          Top 7 open toe pantyhose

          1. You might look into resale/consignment places for great blazers and suits. I’ve picked up St. John blazers for amazing prices ($99) and they do well in the summertime AC without being stifling. Caution – I wear them with dresses …. I don’t want to be that woman of a certain age who might wear a matching St. John blazer and skirt. When you find the designer that fits you well, you can keep an eye out for that brand if a store regularly gets in blazers…

       2. Thanks for the tip about Judy P, it’s so hard to find tops that aren’t see-through!

    3. I’m in court every day, so I wear a suit every day. I swear by BR’s lightweight wool suiting and the 120s suiting from J. Crew — the blacks in particular always match from season to season, so you can replace pieces or augment a suit you already have easily. Plus, I love the ability to buy 1 blazer + skirt + full-length trouser + cropped pant… 4 suits in one! I personally never buy polyester. I think sticking to natural fibers and blends makes you fit in with the boys better. Brooks Brothers Outlet is also outstanding.

       I’ve also found that brick-and-mortar stores almost never have complete suiting lines available, so resign yourself to ordering a bunch of stuff online and then returning :)

       Shoes, I like pointy-toed pumps or kitten heels. No wedges and nothing with an open toe. For schlepping to and from the office, I buy Dr. Scholl’s “Really Ballet” flats (available on Amazon, and Prime eligible to boot). They’re very cute and comfy almond-toed flats available in a zillion colors/prints. I used to do sneakers and even flip-flops outside the office/court, but you never know who you’re going to run into.

       I swear by Brooks Brothers non-iron button-downs and also stock up on soft blouses (crepe, silk, etc.) that look elegant without needing to be tucked in. I do like statement necklaces and big pearls (have to make things interesting SOMEhow), and I note that the female judges I appear in front of accessorize similarly.

       Commando are the best hose, although I’m cheap and usually just buy every $4 pair of black tights I can get my hands on at TJ Maxx at the beginning of the winter. I will say that I almost never see nude hose, and I don’t wear them — I wear black sheer hose or go barelegged.

       I actually love business formal way more than business casual — partly because it makes me feel like a boss, and partly because it feels so damn good to take it OFF at the end of the day and be like bye bye, work self. See you tomorrow. Hope you can get excited about it!

       1. I wear sleeved dressss, skirt suits, or sheath dress + blazer. my favorite sleeved dresses are mm la fleur. For suits, I do a lot of theory and reiss and I buy skirt/jacket/sheath. Also jcrew, Lk Bennett. Like prior poster, I love business formal. I feel great in a reiss sheath and blazer but frumpy and bla in slacks and a cardi (though many many other women look amazing in business casual, just not me). For shoes I wear lkbennett or Kate spade 3-4 inch pumps, booties in winter. Flats for commuting.

          1. Can I have your wardrobe? :)

14. I typed a comment here and it is either in moderation or didn’t post. Kat, can you please respond to feedback here about sending posts to moderation? There is currently no way to tell whether it’s a technical error and you should repost or you should just be patient (which usually means waiting until the thread is already full and no one wants to read more comments…). Thanks!

    1. I have a comment in purgatory too.

    2. It is a fact of life that Kat and Kate are the editor’s of this website, and the determination of what does and what does not go into moderation, and for how long the post’s go into moderation, is a matter of editorial discretion, which discretion shall be exerciseable soleley by the editor’s in their sole discretion. As a result, you must keep your post’s on point and relavant to the subject matter, and must avoid the use of profanity or anything else deemed by the editor’s, in their sole discretion, to be unfit for publication. While you may not alway’s agree with the editor’s, once you understand and agree that these are the rules, you will understand if your comment get’s moderated. I think Kat and Kate are doeing a great job, and provide all of us with fair and balanced reporting by a variety of p’osters! YAY!

       1. No wonder you make the big bucks, Ellen. That is some lovely legal drafting.

       2. See, this is just more evidence to me that Kat writes Ellen’s posts.

          1. That would explain it. I could never figure out why my posts go to moderation, but her’s don’t.

       3. Well said, KatEllen!

15. I know this is stupid, but I just got a call from HR telling me I didn’t get a position, which is fine, but her tone of voice was in congruent with the message she was delivering, and the message she left for me to call her back.

    1. Awww, I’m sorry.

    2. Sorry – that’s really annoying. This reminds of the time my OBGYN chirpily called me and we had this conversation: “Hello!” “Hi doctor, how are you” “I’m great! You’re not great though. You have gestational diabetes!!”

       How self-absorbed do you have to be to deliver bad news in this way? At least I could switch doctors. You just have to roll your eyes and let it go, unfortunately.

16. Y’all have convinced me to only buy betabrand pants and skirts going forward. I wish they had work tops that weren’t button up.

17. The obese/TTC comment above made me think – I know BMIs have fallen out of fashion because there are more accurate assessments of health, but I just ran my BMI at my relatively new, higher weight, and it was not good. I very much want to lose weight and get healthier and I have been trying – though it has been difficult. But I also don’t know that I feel ‘obese’. I’m (relatively) active (again, used to be more – but it’s not like I wind myself going for a long walk or doing somethign active), I wear size 12 clothes, good blood pressure, etc. It’s hard for me to reconcile the ‘obese’ BMI i have with how I feel. Not sure how else I can evaluate myself though…

    1. I don’t mean to be all over this discussion, but I made the BMI comment, so I’ll respond. I don’t think it’s helpful to evaluate your body, weight loss goals, exercise goals, etc. based on BMI. I only included it my comment above to give an objective data point, however flawed it is, in my anecdote because I assume that degrees of being overweight may change the answer to OP’s question (effect on pregnancy).

       When it comes to weight loss efforts, it’s probably healthier to focus on what you’re doing (improvements to diet and exercise) than results. If you are results-oriented, tracking the differences in how you look and feel (sizes lost, muscle gained, ability to run a 5K) is probably a better source of evaluation.

       1. One of my best BMI wake up calls was when The Rock posted his medical chart. His doctor had marked him as morbidly obese and noted he needed to lose a ridiculous amount of weight. Obviously he is not obese, just jacked, and that showed me how unreliable BMI can be.

          How do you feel? Can you exercise at a moderate pace for a half hour without wheezing? Are you sleeping well? Do your joints ache? How are your blood and vitamin levels? Those factors are way more important

    2. It’s usually reasonably affordable to get your body fat measured via a reliable method (e.g. BodPod). I find this preferable because it allows you to actually assess your goals in the real of tactics (losing fat, gaining muscle) rather than weight being an indicator of health. Maybe try that?

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