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Suit of the Week: Rebecca Taylor

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I was poking through some Bloomingdale's exclusives recently (they call the collection “100% Bloomingdale's”) when I found this gorgeous tailored blazer from Rebecca Taylor. It comes in black and navy in sizes 00–12 and looks like a great suit if you want something that's classic but still very feminine. The jacket (Lila Tailored Blazer) is $395; there are matching cropped pants for $295 as well as trouser pants for $350. For other peplum suit options, try Tahari ASL: Lord & Taylor has a skirt suit in plus sizes on sale for $210, another skirt suit is on sale for $82.49 at Macy's (lucky sizes only, regular and petite), and yet another skirt suit is $150 at Amazon in sizes 2–18. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!  

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

187 Comments

  1. Any recommendations for beach vacations for solo travelers? Single, early 30s – would be going in late November/early December. I just want to sit on a beach, drink fruity drinks, read, and relax. I actively don’t want to talk to people/socialize. Points for a decent spa (or access to a decent spa). Would be flying from NYC, would be 4-5 days (so nothing on the other side of the world). No preference on domestic/international. I just want to avoid the party scene, and avoid a super couple-y resort.

    1. Following, since I’ve been thinking of doing an identical trip! (though maybe closer to 3ish days)

      1. Me too, though I would talk to a decent guy if one materialized. These days, chances are relativeley slim that a good one would appear. I am SOOOOO tired dealing with these slick guys who think I am dumb enough to believe they are really interested in what I have to say. I know that in reality, 99% of them just want to trick me into haveing s-x with them and then….poof…..they disappear, leaving me to clean up the mess. FOOEY on that! I am smart now and will NOT do stuff with men until I am sure they are truthful, so as a result, I have not had s-x for a while now, and do NOT anticipate pulling my panties down any time soon. We should all be smart this way and mabye eventueally, men will respect us. FOOEY on them for now!

    2. How about a boutique hotel in Tulum? You can arrange for transport to the hotel in advance.

      Another suggestion would be the Condado area of San Juan, PR. It’s on the beach and lovely and you can take a bus or a taxi to downtown Old San Juan to walk around. There are both chain hotels and B&Bs here.

    3. All this + pay attention to colors – flattering colors near your face, navy instead of black, etc.

    4. My family did your exact vacations for a few years in the US Virgin Islands. I haven’t been back since the hurricane, but there are a lot of resorts there that sound like they would be right up your alley.

      1. I love Bermuda very much, but it will be cold in November and December. I’ve been in April and it was not beach weather then.

    7. Vieques PR

      Super cute, small island. Good food and beaches, no real big bar scenes. Just a quiet and beautiful place to relax.

      I stayed at the W and it was amazing.

      1. The W has still not reopened after Hurricane Maria. I think the target re-open date was sometime in December. The tripadvisor forum is a good resource for what’s open/recovered after Maria. I believe some of the beaches may also still be closed. And the W is really the only “sit on the beach and someone brings you cocktails” hotel on Vieques, as far as I know. But if you want an empty place to get away and aren’t opposed to driving a jeep to a totally empty beach and packing your own cocktails, Vieques is your place.

    11. Naples Beach and Golf Resort Florida is a low-key place right on the beach. Not what one thinks of by the name. And old part of Naples is worth visiting.

  2. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while running errands and it was not pretty. Issues include terrible hair that I didn’t have time to wash and style, droopy looking eyes, a pilling wool coat, and jeans and ankle boots that don’t quite work together.

    Any tips on looking put together when you don’t have a lot of time? And what can I do about a droopy face? I’m 38 and it just really started looking bad this year. No wrinkles yet, but I just don’t look fresh and young anymore… because I’m not.

    1. How are you taking care of your skin? In addition to daily sunscreen to minimize future damage, a retinol like Retin A can do wonders in the freshness department. If you are interested, you can look at fillers (I like Voluma) and Botox but that’s of course not necessary.

      Also, figure out a hairdo for those days – longer hair goes in a higher messy bun. I have short hair, but a shake of dry shampoo and a finger comb, plus a bobby pin makes me look presentable.

    2. I like the messy bun on top of my head and lipstick. Next time you see yourself smile? It always helps me assess if I just stumbled into some bad lighting or if I truly need a style makeover.

      1. +1 to lipstick. It fixes a lot. I also wear giant sunglasses (my current favorites are Isaac mizrahi pointy cornered ones) because giant sunglasses + red lipstick looks some version of put together (or crazy lady!) and it takes no time to do.

        1. Also, brow gel. Not necessarily doing an elaborate process to draw or fill in brows, but just to comb then into place and neaten them up.

          I find that brow gel, a bit of mascara, and a bit of the Maybelline Age Re-wind undereye concealer that has been talked about extensively here, goes a long way toward making me look less haggard.

          All the other advice about good skin care is important, too.

          1. +1 I like the Neutrogena Hydroboost spf 30, revlon age rewind concealer, Nivea tinted balm or fresh lip balm,eyebrow gel, mascara maybe a touch of blush, and yellow powder to set the concealer. Easy fresh winter makeup.

            At night a retinoid and night cream.

      2. +2 to lipstick. One of the biggest things I’ve noticed about aging is that I really need actual lipstick now – my lips get a little corpse-like without it.

    3. Do you just look tired? If your face is naturally heavier around the base of your chin, nothing you do quickly can really help.

      With respect to your skin/makeup, the best thing I’ve found to look put together is to be rested and hydrated, and use concealer and a swipe/single layer of eyeshadow in your skin tone but with pearlescent or light shimmer to brighten up the eyes, mascara, and a light dusting of pressed powder to even out the skin tone and texture. A swipe of neutral tone lipstick or gloss with tint. I do this on a daily basis – it looks like I put in a big effort but all together takes 3 min. when you get the routine down. And sometimes mascara and lip is done on the train or car at stoplights, it happens.

      Hair, quick sleek bun or ponytail makes you look very put together. A quick slick back with water and/or gel, a spritz of hair spray and wrap your hair in a scarf for 5 to 10 min. will give a professional looking sleek look

      Clothes – just throw basics together in neutral colors, no one is looking that closely. Any combination of navies, greys, whites, blacks, olive, camel, and wine colored items in fall/winter look put together.

    4. Diligent day-to-day maintenance instead of long ‘getting ready’ time. Korean skin care routine, taking good care of clothes (including getting rid of anything that looks overly worn or doesn’t flatter), figuring out a couple of easy go-to looks.

    5. Exercise helps alleviate the face droop. Eat lots of fruits and veggies, binge on avocados, and take care of your skin.

    6. Also 38, and I think some days are just like that. In general, I take pretty good care of my skin, but if something is off — being tired, stressed, a tad under the weather — well, it just shows more than it used to. I do think I have to pay attention to clothing more than I used to. Keeping a classic wardrobe overall, but mixing in one trend piece, helps me feel more stylish and put together.

      My wardrobe has definitely skewed more neutral than it used to, and I’ve noticed the same thing with lots of other women my age. Kind of makes me sad, in a way, because what’s wrong with color? But, I realize it’s a lot easier to go “wrong” with colors.

      Oh! If you’re anything like me, wearing black near my face makes me look like a corpse in the fall/winter months. A deep charcoal is my version of wearing black.

      1. My best investment has been to make my day to day wool coat a bright emerald green. I’m super pale and it keeps the corpse look from happening all winter and make me and seemingly those I encounter weirdly happy.

    7. I could have written this. Lash extensions have made a huge difference in how I look, at least how I think I look. I feel a little more done, and a swipe of lipstick and some brow pencil help a lot.

      I should upgrade my work-at-home wardrobe. I have way too many Athleta dresses and other oversized things I wear over leggings.

      In the winter, I wear a bright pink scarf with my winter coat. Bright pink near the face makes a wide range of complexions look more alive.

  3. Hi all,

    Inspired by the LA open house idea that was posted a few times (how did it go btw?), I was wondering if folks in the greater Boston area would be interested to do a meet up? I love the community here and would love to connect IRL.

    1. YUP! work in Metro West and I’m on the southern edge of Boston proper – would totally do a meetup!

    2. Sure! I work in Boston and live just outside.

      We’ve had at least one meetup before, but that was several years ago now.

    3. Outing myself as an oldie on this site, but we had a few of these back in 2010/2011 with the Boston crew and they were fun. I’d be in.

      1. Ha, if you think you’re old…pretty sure I made my first post on this site in 2006.

    5. It was great! DH and I invited almost everyone we know since we are new in the city so the turnover rate wasn’t high but we still had a good number of people show up- food, drinks, music, and good mix of neighbors and friends.

      I will say no Corporettes showed up which was (slightly) disappointing but not enough for me to lose hope and not plan something in the future

    6. Cool, just checked all the comments. Send me an email at ruthbaderg at g m@il, and I will be happy to coordinate a doodle poll for timing and location! Thanks and excited :)

  4. I’m thinking about taking up knitting or crocheting, and trying to decide which. Anyone here have any thoughts? What can you make better projects with? What’s easier to pick up? My mom did teach me to crochet a bit somewhere around middle school – but it’s been so long that I’d be starting from scratch on either.

      1. I actually picked up a cross stitch kit last week, and it’s what has inspired me to do more crafting! :)

    2. If you’ve already been taught crochet, try it again – I think you’d be surprised by how much your muscles remember. Project wise, I think you can really do a lot of similar things, so I wouldn’t let that stop you.

    3. For garments, I like the look of knits much better generally – they tend to be more elastic and thinner – and you will have more choices for patterns. Crochet is better suited to afgans and doilies, although if you like 70s throwback fashion, it’s the best. (This is a gross generalization of course). Look at patterns on ravelry.com to get a sense of what you like. Crochet is less fiddly and more portable though, since you only have one hook and only one stitch that can unravel being worked on at any moment (usually).

    4. I picked up loom knitting a few years ago, and I really enjoy it! The basics are very easy to learn (much more so than knitting with needles, IMO), and there are lots of great youtube tutorials for all kinds of neat projects.

    5. I am a knitter, personally, but I know enough about crochet to know that your projects go a lot faster, if that’s important to you. I like the look and feel of knitted items better, but (most of all) I can’t seem to get the tension right on crochet to save my life. I’ve tried several times and I just can’t get the hang of it.

      1. I’m a crocheter and while projects do work up faster, they use considerably more material. This can become costly quickly if you’re making something with higher-end yarn.

        I wish I was a better knitter, but never progressed beyond a rudimentary level, even though I can crochet just about anything.

    6. I’m a knitter! I just COULD. NOT get the hang of crochet. Either one is good, maybe try both and see which one takes? Basic supplied for either are pretty inexpensive.

      I also sew (garments, not a quilter), but the costs to begin sewing are much higher, and it’s harder to salvage materials if you mess up.

    7. I find knitted projects much more wearable, and cuter patterns are available for knit projects.

      I both knit and crochet so no shade to crocheters.

    8. I taught myself to crochet about 2 years ago using internet videos. I started with granny squares, using Yarn Utopia’s 365 Granny Square Project, as my guide. I liked the satisfaction of completing a “project” in an evening, and also learned a bunch of new stitches pretty quickly. (Compare to my mother who just single and double crochets.) I choose crochet over knitting for a few reasons: 1) I didn’t want to have to obsessively count, and there is less counting (seems to me) in crochet than knitting, especially for pieces worked “in the round”; 2) I wanted to make toys, and the amigurumi crowd mostly crochets; 3) crochet is faster than knitting; and 4) crochet was just generally less intimidating than knitting to me. I’ve made loads of hats, fingerless gloves, cowls, baby blankets, and toys in the past few years, and am so happy I have discovered this hobby. FWIW, many of my knitting friends have commented that my work looks knitted. I think the perception that crochet looks crappy is based on projects that use only single and double crochet-which do look rather bulky and “rustic.” Good luck in whichever hobby you choose!

    9. Thanks everyone! Just ordered the vogue guide to knitting off a-zon, and I think I might just pick up both a crochet hook and some knitting needles and play around… Looks like the bigger financial commitment is buying yarn, which works for either one!

      1. Definitely turn to youtube whenever you need help figuring out instructions or get stuck on just how to complete a stitch. Also, if you have one in your area, drop by a local yarn shop with a project and ask the folks there to trouble shoot your work. I taught myself to knit a few years ago using youtube, and found out a year later that I was twisting my stitches (just had to do with the direction I inserted my needle into the stitch, was super quick fix).
        Ravelry is great for patterns, you can do an advanced search by all sorts of parameters.
        Choose something nice and simple to start with, maybe a dish rag or scarf. Get comfortable holding your needles/hook before trying an actual pattern, so that you are learning one thing at a time. Once you can knit and purl, you can do all sorts of things. (Kind of like learning the scales on the piano).
        I can crochet, but I really took to knitting. It’s definitely a personal thing.
        Yarn shopping is addictive. It’s really nice to knit with yarn that is soft and feels good. Start out slow, though, maybe with a few different balls of yarn that you can practice with. Once you know if you want to focus on knitting or crochet and are tackling a project you can get crazy with the yarn ;)

  5. Thoughts on an alternative plan for NYE? I am single, mid-30s, way over the party scene, and everyone my age is either out of town with their extended families or staying at home with their babies. I’m tired of scrambling trying to plan something last-minute or going to a party that frankly, I would have skipped had it been any other weekend night, but I went because I felt like I should be OUT on NYE, and then it wasn’t even fun.

    I’m thinking more like an early night, maybe a 5K on New Year’s Day or an NYE yoga class. Is that totally old lady-ish of me? Anyone done anything similar?

    1. That’s what I do, like, every year. I’m 30, single, and hate big holidays that bring drunk crowds out. Staying home and going to bed early sounds perfect to me.

    2. I’ve never gone out on NYE and never want to. Growing up, we always ate Chinese food and put together a puzzle on NYE. I’ve kept up the Chinese food tradition. Last year I binge-watched the Great British Baking Show. In previous years I’ve read. Call me an old lady but I really enjoy staying in on NYE. (I also live in a large city so there are plenty of people out and about; I just have no interest in joining). I love doing races on New Year’s Day! It’s corny but it really does start the year off right.

    3. I think you could certainly make NYE a day of quiet, solo reflection. Yoga, massage, long hike, and time spent thinking about the next year, whatever that means to you – setting goals, identifying tasks to do, setting up a new schedule, cleaning out your closet… Then a 5k, reading that classic you always meant to read, or something that helps set you on the course you want to follow in the new year. Sounds delightful to me.

    4. My husband and I are in the staying at home with babies camp but we like it so much more than when we used to go out — NYE is a hassle and IMHO just not worth it. Stay in! Treat yourself to takeout/drink/dessert/bath product of your choice.

    5. I’m 36 and single. These options sound awesome, and I’ll probably be doing similar. Just because you’re not married, that doesn’t mean you have to fake your way through single gal gestures if they’re not fun.

    6. There’s a yoga studio near me that does a special yoga class and meditation session on NYE. I don’t go because kids, but if I weren’t housebound, that would be my ideal.

      I’ve also gone camping for NYE before and loved it, but I would want at least one other person (and it works better if you are someplace with mild weather).

    7. I’m trying to plan a party that’s like, all the fun parts of an NYE party and none of the annoying parts. Like: wearing sparkly things is encouraged, children are welcome, awesome heavy apps, some kind of good fancy cocktail, countdown and toast at “midnight” except it’s actually like 8 pm so kiddos can participate.

    8. I kinda love this. Also single, 30-something.

      All I want is to wear sequins, drink champagne and not deal with crowds/drunk idiots/too many couples/going out in the cold.

      I always have FOMO leading up to it and end up at a terrible party but I might just end up doing my own thing this year.

    9. For almost 15 years, my DH and I (incl way back when we were dating) have stayed in for the night. I plan a few courses of delicious, fun, picky foods, we drink a lot of cava, and we have always watched a marathon of Anthony Bourdain shows.

      This year, we’ll probably do the same, but boy oh boy will it feel different now that Tpny’s gone!

    10. We do a New Year’s Day Run-Walk. It’s nice to get the new year off to a good start, and the folks who attend are really nice.

    11. My DH almost always works on NYE/NYD so I’m usually solo.

      My favorite tradition is a mani/pedi, dessert-for-dinner, a glass or two of champagne, and an at-home spa plan – face mask, bath bomb, trashy magazines, comfy robe, etc. Then I snuggle in bed to watch the ball drop somewhere in Europe before a luxurious 10-12 hour sleep. I wake up for a local 5k that starts at 11am, and then meet friends for a late afternoon bowling session. It’s so fun and such a rejuvenating way to start the year.

    12. We traditionally have a couple of friends over including an invitation to sleep over. We make appetizer type food, drink a lot of champagne, sing songs and play nerdy board games. It sounds bad but we love it.

      I do like going out generally, but never for New Years. It’s too crowded and expensive, the roads are dangerous, and everyone seems to desperate to have an amazing time, which never really happens. There are 364 more days in the year to go out, so we feel fine about skipping this one.

    13. What hubby and I did before kids and after kids is the same. Last year he was travelling. So This is what we do, go to a few fast food places (fries at McDs, Burgers at A&W and Ice Cream at DQ), then bring it all home and eat it while watching movies. We stay up till midnight because we feel like we have to not because we want to. (We are boring) . The kids like the tradition of junk food and they go to bed early (they are still really young).

  6. Can anybody talk to me about becoming a landlord as a first-time home buyer? We are seriously considering buying a four-family house. A family member would live in one unit, we’d live in one, and we’d rent out the other two. The house would be a big upgrade for us. We’d be getting more space and paying less after the rental income than our current rent. The house needs cosmetic updating in a number of places but none of it would need to be done right away– for example, the kitchens in the rental units are outdated, but those units are already rented so we probably wouldn’t update them until the tenants change over.

    The big chunk of work I think needs to be done immediately is plumbing: the whole house is currently on one water heater and I just can’t imagine anybody’s taking a truly hot shower. I think we need a heater for each unit and separate meters. I’m kind of daunted by that project and we’d definitely get an estimate for it before buying.

    I know we need to make sure we have adequate insurance and cash on hand for repairs, especially in the rental units, and to cover the mortgage payment if a tenant stops paying. What else am I not thinking of? Has anybody done this and had it work out well/ not so well?

    1. I’m a landlord in the house I live in (two units, I live in one and rent out the other) and I have a 5-unit building in the same neighborhood (all long term rentals). Things to think about:

      I 100% would not buy a rental property again unless it could be delivered vacant (i.e., no legacy tenants). This of course depends on the local laws. I had to evict one tenant and it was a nightmare (he was trashing the unit, terrorizing the other tenants, and trespassing in other units). I had nothing but problems with the other legacy tenants. It was a nightmare. I have now filled the house with young professionals, and it is much better. To do this I had to renovate each unit and bring up the standard to what young professionals want – new paint, new flooring, new kitchen cabinets and countertops, put in dishwashers, etc. I thought my renovations were going to be just “cosmetic” but I was sorely mistaken.

      Consider who’s paying for utilities. If the units are not separately metered and you’re paying for everything, I can guarantee that tenants will crank up the heat and take long hot showers. It can eat up your rental income. Ideally your tenants will pay for heating and electricity at a minimum. If your water/sewer isn’t separately metered, figure out how much it runs monthly and make sure this is captured in rents or utility fees.

      Get a good relationship with a plumber. There are issues all the time. Especially in an older house. Treat your plumber really well, thank them profusely and pay right away. They will be your life saver.

      Get a good idea of how much electric works is needed. I brought my units up to code as they weren’t safe, and it was insanely expensive. If you make changes to make it separately metered, your city may require you to update everything to bring it up to code.

      If you are planning to manage it yourself, make sure you have coverage when you’re out of town, and be prepared for tenants contacting you at all hours with small and large issues.

      When you renovate, “harden” the rental by removing carpet and installing waterproof, scratchproof vinyl plank (it looks great). Don’t provide more appliances than you have to (e.g., no microwave – it will break. Tenants can provide their own.) I provide a fridge, range and dishwasher but that’s it.

      Check out the Bigger Pockets landlord & tenant forum – it has a ton of info. I use MySmartMove for tenant applicant background checks and so far it’s been good. I check all references carefully – when people leave contact info for a past landlord, make sure to ask what the address of the place was when you call. If they have a friend posing as a prior landlord that question will stump them. It happens a lot.

      1. This. I do this, but it’s my business. You need a team – you need a contractor you can trust & who will work with you quickly, you need to understand residential leasing issues, you need people on call (plumbers, electricians, etc.) for when things go wrong. You need to be prepared to deal with things quickly. Having a flexible day job helps (there’s more erranding/meeting people, etc. to deal with). All that said, once you get the hang of it & get a team in place, it’s great passive income.

        1. I love this — once you do a lot of work, it’s great passive income :)

          I have two rentals. I am always living in dread of The Call (water coming through the ceiling, break in, tree falling, flooding). It’s always something. For the income (which isn’t great; it’s more long term building up equity in an area where RE values are appreciating), it is remarkably non-passive at times.

          I do enjoy tenant turnover (despite being out rental income if it sits a while and the expenses of freshening up) b/c I like meeting the new potential tenants. I’ve only had one creepy person (for which I was glad not to be alone showing it — something else to think about if you’re advertising on Craigslist where any random creep can reach out to you — be mindful of fair housing laws but try to at least find the person on linkedin before you meet).

          1. Yikes, I think screening tenants based on whether or not they have a LinkedIn gets into some seriously grey ethical areas. Think about how many sectors and types of jobs people have who wouldn’t have a LinkedIn at all.

          2. You’re allowed to screen for income. Presumably the OP is charging rent that necessitates a credit check. Checking out someone’s LinkedIn is part of that and fine. Calm down.

        2. +1. My husband is unemployed/SAHP, and he runs our triplex and manages 2 other rental properties for a family member (for a management fee). We have a team of professionals we trust–plumbers, electricians, general contractors, handymen, HVAC guys. DH also does a lot of the smaller maintenance himself.

          When it’s just downstairs and you can fix it, it’s no big deal to light a pilot light. But if a tenant at another property texts that their heater isn’t working, and you hire a guy to come fix it and go out and meet him, it’s annoying to find out that you just spent 2 hours and $75 just because the pilot was out. Some friends of ours who are landlords had a tenant tell them that the electrical outlets weren’t working–they hired an electrician to fix it, and when the electrician got there, it turned out that the light bulbs were burnt out. (So, moral of the story is, it helps if you’re handy and can check/fix some basic stuff yourself before asking a professional to come out. Of course, anyone should be able to change a light bulb.)

    3. I’ve done this, and it has worked out extremely well. We have a triplex and live in one of the 3 units. (Actually, we’re moving to a single family home in a couple of weeks because we’ve outgrown our space, but we’re keeping the rental for now.)

      The main things that have made this a good investment are location and the house not needing a ton of work. The location is on a busy street, so we’ve had no problem getting tenants within 2-3 days of putting a sign out. It’s also a very convenient and safe neighborhood. Also, it’s an older house, but it was structurally sound, the roof was replaced about 7 years before we bought it, and the AC compressors were new. It needed a new drain line, but we knew that from inspections and had cash on hand to do it within a few months of buying the place.

      Even though the house is in pretty good shape, maintenance has been more than we thought it would be. In a quad, there will be 4 kitchens, 4 bathrooms, 4 HVAC systems, maybe 4 laundry rooms. That’s 4 of everything that typically breaks, so your maintenance per square foot is higher than in a single-family home. One year, we replaced practically every appliance in all 3 of our units, because they broke around the same time, not because we were feeling generous.

      Even so, the rental income has covered the expenses (mortgage interest, taxes, insurance, maintenance, etc) every year. We don’t make much profit–a couple hundred in positive cash flow each month from the 2 units we rent out. We’ve paid the principal amount on the mortgage. Apart from that, we’ve spent about $80K in renovations and improvements. We bought in a neighborhood where we expected appreciation, and based on some recent comps, we could sell for $150K-200K over what we bought the place for. Since the rental income pays the expenses, everything we’ve put in is equity, and we have about $70K-120K in appreciation.

  7. Actual gardening question–does anyone have a favorite place online to order bulbs? I need some tulip bulbs and my local stores don’t have the colors I’m looking for.

    1. It’s been a while, but I was very happy with the quality I received from White Flower Farm the last time I bought bulbs.

    4. I’m obsessed with Old House Gardens but they are $$ because they are heirloom bulbs. I love them and they are my favorite garden splurge. Brecks for the cheap stuff.

  8. Recommendations for undershirts for silk shirts and sweaters? I got an undershirt off of Amazon last year that is not currently available that I thought was great for extending time between dry cleanings, and I can’t really find anything similar. Looking specifically for a fitted short sleeve shirt that is moisture wicking in nude and/or black.

    1. I like the Uniqlo Airism tanks/tees and I think they have the right “slipperiness” to work well under a silk shirt.

  9. There was a thread this morning about saving $ and someone said cheap cellphone plans, mentioning Cricket, Google Fi, etc. Can people with these alternative plans speak to what you pay/ coverage/ quality? Thanks.

    1. I have republic wireless. My plan is $20/month. They use the T-Mobile (or maybe Sprint?) network, and coverage is fine for me in NYC. You save $$ by using less mobile data and more wifi.

    2. I have Google Fi and pay about $100 each month for a family plan with three lines. This includes usage of about 1gb (we don’t use a lot of data because we’re mostly on wifi) and a $32 monthly payment of my pixel phone. May not be economical for those who use a lot of data. What I like most about Fi is the international capabilities. I’m instantly connected without any special settings, same data rate $10/gb as in the US, and calling home is cheap (talked to mom from Norway last month for 20 cents per minute).

    3. I’m honestly pretty low usage (I have WiFi at work, home, and in public spaces in town, which is where I spend most my time). I used to use PagePlus when I had a Verizon phone for around $35/month. Now I use Mint Mobile for $15/mo. Most of my friends are on Republic Wireless.

    4. I have ting, and pay $23 for my line, 100minutes, 100 texts and 500MB data. You can look at their coverage map online before you buy. Frankly, I only ever use a handful minutes and only keep text enabled for emergency warnings in my area, so the 100 unit-package is wasteful for me, but it was the cheapest option I found.
      I used to pay $8/month for a plan with some data and everything else pay-as-you use. The cellphone plan market in the EU is a better free market with competition.

    6. We have Virgin Mobile, $35 a month, buy your own phone up front. Unlimited data that is throttled at some point. Coverage uses Sprint network.

  10. I’m participating in a leadership development program offered by my company. It has been billed as developing the participants for future executive management positions. The CEO’s office has invited the participants to a networking happy hour. I plan to attend and want to know what to expect and how I should prepare, if at all. I assume the CEO will be there, possibly other executives, and of course the program participants and instructors. I checked Ask A Manager and didn’t see anything on this particular topic. Any wisdom or suggestions appreciated.

    1. Assuming you will be meeting new, higher-up people, have a good answer to “who are you?”. The question won’t be phrased that rudely, but it’s important to be able to describe yourself and your current role clearly and positively in a way that will generate interest in you. Also be able to answer what you hope to get out of the program, and what excites you most about the future of the company. Be friendly, especially with the other program participants. Even in nothing else comes from participating in the program, the other folks from the program will still be a great network from corners of the company that you might not have dealt with before.

    2. Have some questions prepared. They can be sort of generic, like asking what folks think is the most important skill to develop, and why.

    3. Be able to answer/talk about:
      Flats Only’s “who are you” question, definitely;
      “What are you hoping to learn in the program?”
      “Why are you in the program?”
      Do you have higher aspirations in the company? Be ready to talk about them, even loosely.
      “What’s your favorite part so far?”

  11. ISO simple, slim-fitting, non-bulky sweater, long or 3/4 sleeves, ivory or off-white, to wear with herringbone trousers in soft brown shades. Machine or hand wash. Under $50 preferred.

    1. I am also ISO something like that for a cute brown skirt I have, but I would love to know where you found these trousers.

      1. Loft, several years ago. My other sweater wore out long before the pants will!

  12. Any suggestions for inn-to-inn hikes in Europe? We’ve done these trips in the Swiss Alps twice, but need to take our vacation in early June next year and I think there will be too much snow to go back. Looking for something moderately strenuous and would like to stay in hotels or guest houses, not huts, as we prefer some privacy at the end of the day.

      1. South Tyrol is gorgeous! Would definitely recommend. Bolzano and Murano are both beautiful cities.

    2. Early June might not be great for bugs, but Great Britain has a ton of options for these types of trips. You’re not going to be gaining as much altitude as in the Alps, of course, but they’re still moderately strenuous depending on how much mileage you do each day. There are West/East Highland Ways in Scotland and Wales just finished a trail that covers the entire coast. I’m not as familiar with offerings in England/Ireland but I’m sure they have some great options as well.

    4. Just done this year Tour of Mont Blanc around France, Italy and Swiss, you can choose different types of acomodation. We did with this company https://www.cairntrekking.co.uk/ (they have more treks in the Alps).
      I am considering for next year the GR-20 in Corsica and have seen that it is possible to do it also not staying in huts.
      In Spain in June you could hike in Pyrenees, Picos de Europa or Sierra Nevada. Also depending of the path you choose Camino de Santiago could be more hiking than walking https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camino_de_Santiago (for example Camino primitivo is quite chalenging)

    5. I’ve heard good things about the hike/pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostella.

  13. How do you keep tracks of different weights lifted for different workouts? App? Notebook? I’m doing a fitness plan where every week there are different but similar exercises (week 1 is reverse lunge with weights, 2x, with pass-through — week 3 is reverse lunge with weights with increasing weights & declining reps (3 sets 12-10-8))…

    2. I find paper/small notebook to be easier and faster than entering things on an app. I didn’t like having to fiddle with my phone during rest breaks. You can always transfer it when you get home to a spreadsheet or something for analytics.

    3. Strong – it’s the only one I’ve found that works. Worth the paid version.

      1. I kept trying to buy the paid version of Strong and it kept timing out on me — I also thought it was only those set exercises? I only want to lift weights at home and lifting too much weight when alone worries me.

  14. Considering getting a kindle as I think it will be easier to read on than a standard ipad with kindle app. It’s smaller and more portable. What model do you have a love? Do you miss actual paper books?

    1. I LOVE my Kindle Paperwhite, which was a gift, and I use it all the time, but it does not replace paper books. I use my Kindle for ‘beach reads’ and other things I’d tear through on a flight. Anything more substantial, or that I have an emotional connection with, I find myself wanting to physically page through and own. But the Kindle is especially useful for silly books I don’t necessarily want to broadcast to other commuters…

    2. I have a Nook so I can’t speak to Kindly models, but I use the Nook for reading when I travel and for books which I can get quicker electronically through the library than in paper.

      I still read paper books mostly because it’s my preference, but I LOVE no longer having to travel with heavy books and having a built in light to read in dim areas (planes, etc.). That is to say that you can have an eReader and still read paper books! They are so cheap now, you might as well.

    3. I have the basic Kindle and it’s perfectly fine, if almost a little TOO lightweight (it doesn’t feel particularly stable in my hand, kwim?). It doesn’t have any fancy backlighting or anything but I don’t typically try to read in the dark when my husband is sleeping, so doesn’t bug.

      I desperately miss the actual page-turn buttons that my old Kindle Keyboard had, though, since that allowed me to read one-handed easily using EITHER hand. Having to carefully tap the screen using my right thumb — but not too close to the top or I’ll trigger the menu, and not too much over the words or the dumb dictionary/highlighting pops up — drives me bonkers. Worth it to be able to check out library books remotely, though.

    4. Still shocked how much I love my Kindle. Mine is super old with a cracked screen but I still use it all the time with library books, particularly after my husband’s gone to bed and the light from an iPad would keep me up.

    5. I am a huge fan of books, and resisted getting an electronic e-reader for years. Then I got a Kindle Paperwhite a few years ago for a long trip, and I love it.

      Benefits over regular books: It can fit even in my small-ish size purses, so I can bring with me without noticing the added weight of a book. It also is just easier to hold than a book. In addition, I appreciate the built-in light feature – if I wake up at night and DH is sleeping, I can just pick up the kindle without bothering with any lights (same on airplanes with the overhead lights).

      I also share my kindle/amazon account with my sister- we have the same taste in books, so everything is auto shared between us (and she’ll buy me dinner now and then to make up for “her” purchases, since the charges go right to my amazon account).

      I do still buy regular books if I won’t be traveling in the near term, if I see something good at my neighborhood bookstore, esp if it’s on sale, or if it’s a book that I’d like to have in my bookshelf. I also only buy travel books and cookbooks in hard copy.

    6. I looove my kindle. It’s embarrassing but it might be my most prized possession. I’ve read so much more since I got one. I have an old kindle paperwhite that still works great, and was recently given the oasis as a gift, which I like for reading by the pool since it’s waterproof (it’s also nice because you can flip it upside down and turn pages with your left hand and it has actual buttons for page turning in addition to the touch screen). I honestly think the paperwhite is fine though – you just want one that has a built-in light so you can read in dim lighting/dark. I’ve never splurged for the kind with built in 3g connectivity or whatever as I pretty much always have access to wifi or will turn my phone into a hotspot for a quick second to download something.

      When I first got mine, I was similar to 3:10pm anonymous in that I mostly used it to read fluffy stuff, but now I pretty much read everything on kindle because I like not having books taking up space in my small house. But every once in a while I still like to browse a bookstore and pick up a paperback.

      1. I have had the exact same thought, that my Kindle is my most prized possession. I have two Paperwhites just to make sure I am never without a fully charged one. It took a while to make the switch, but I never buy actual books anymore.

    7. I have my Kindle 3rd Gen (with the keyboard). When my last one broke, I went on ebay and got a replacement. I love my buttons (when I replaced my last one, the oasis wasn’t around) and the 3rd Gen is so sturdy, I never worry about breaking it. My favorite feature about ebooks over paper books is actually borrowing them from the library. I’m terrible at returning books in time; I think I’ve purchased the library a new wing with the amount of late fees I’ve paid. With the kindle, the book just disappears when it’s due (but your place is saved if you borrow it again). And I do like that if I don’t think I’ll want to reread a book over and over, I don’t have to find a place for it on my bookcase.

      1. Also, if you’re sneaky and put the kindle in airplane mode before the due date, books return to the library but also stay on your kindle until you turn airplane mode off. ;)

        1. Oh I definitely do this too. It doesn’t affect other borrowers at all, just benefits me! (Of course you can’t get anything new while you’re in stealth airplane mode, so if you have pending holds that might pop off the list, you might have to make a choice…)

    8. Team Paperwhite here and I love it. Got the basic Kindle initially because I travel frequently for work, then upgraded to the Paperwhite a few years later because I wanted something I could read in the dark while nursing. Like Anon at 3:10, I’ve found I prefer nonfiction in hard copy (I don’t like the highlight function and take notes in physical books), but I love being able to check out random fiction books for free from the library.

  15. I’m a non-trad student training for different career. Next week I’m attending a conference in my new field, and I’m hoping to build connections and so on before I go on the job market this time next year. Any advice?

    1. Go through the list of announced speakers now, and figure out if you’d like to meet any of them to discuss job options. Then set up a meeting with them via email before you get there.
      Also, go to mixers/sessions where food or drinks are provided, and pick any table with a nice enough looking group, to which you say “do you mind if I join you?” Instant networking. Ask lots of questions (Where do you work, what topic do you work on, how long have you been there, how do you llike the place/the city, have you been to this conference before).

    2. Be able to talk about your background in terms of specific transferable skills.

      Get advice on your gaps and how you can work to fill them.

      Be able to talk about why the transition.

  16. FIL passed away very suddenly. All accounts were in his name and have been tied up in probate for 6+ months. MIL is mentally disabled (severe depression with not infrequent manic episodes) with zero access to money. We immediately jumped on filing for life insurance and proceeds were disbursed within 14 days of his death.

    Lacking any direction or option, proceeds were disbursed into an account that DH (their son) is primary account holder on – it was a preexisting account that never had a balance so we just added MIL on it (she agreed to all of this, and other family weighed in at the time agreeing with this approach FWIW). It’s making 0.2% interest, so measly income.

    I know the interest income is taxable to us – not ideal, but it’s a small amount, so fine. But, now, months removed from this, we want this money primarily in MIL’s name with DH as secondary. I’m a finance person, not a tax person, and I truly know better to research all of this before playing with an amount of money of this kind. I am utterly kicking myself for acting in the moment and not being more thoughtful. But I cannot put words around how devastating his death was/continues to be and how hard we’re just trying to do the right thing to set MIL up for success. So please be kind: this isn’t as simple as just opening a new account and moving $500k to MIL, is it?

    1. No one can tell you an answer to this because it varies from bank to bank. Your Husband needs to go into the bank with you, MIL, and tell them the situation, what you want (money in MIL’s name as rightful beneficiary), and how to do it. You may want to consult a tax attorney with respect to whether or not you have to pay interest on the insurance proceeds, but since your mother was the beneficiary and your husband just received it on her behalf, probably not.

      Also, do you all have adequate documents in place in case your husband needs to take over for MIL? The way you describe her doesn’t seem stable.

      1. Thank you. IF I were to consult a tax attorney or accountant, what can I expect to pay for a consultation? Flat fee? Hourly rate?

        We are working on the documents you’re referring to. When she’s clear headed she’s agreed to power of attorney (medical & financial) and updating her will. She’s also agreed to an irrevocable trust with DH as trustee to hold deed to her debt-free home and life proceeds, which is all the money she has for the rest of her life (she’s only 56..). But her depression is so severe that she erratically becomes highly untrusting of us and stops any forward progress. This whole thing is awful on a level I’m not even sure how to articulate.

        1. The rates vary significantly (could be a flat fee of a few hundred dollars for a simple consultation or much more if deeper advice or document drafting is required). If you post your city, you may be able to get good recommendations

      2. +1

        Strongly recommend a set up where she has enough to cover monthly expenses plus a small cushion and DH has to cosign anything extra. This avoids elder care issues like phone or online scams that seniors can be susceptible too, even with good mental health.

        1. Believe me, we know and we are trying so, so hard. All she can tell us is she wants “control” and doesn’t want to ask her son for money. She hasn’t managed her finances in decades. She bought a house yesterday (!?!) – an idea we agreed with in concept but wow, she pulled that trigger without us. We’re paying all of her bills out of checking accounts to her name. It’s sad. It’s awful. It’s terrible. But at some point we can’t force an adult to do something she doesn’t want to do. She’s not bad enough that she qualifies as legally incompetent/unable to care for herself (nor do we want to go down that road). Right now we need to get this money out of our name so we’re protected from any unintended consequences and make sure she has health insurance for the coming year.

          PSA: Talk to your own parents about what happens when they age or if there is an unexpected death. Get your own will and estate in order. Protect your children from what we’re living.

    2. It may be, but you should talk to a lawyer. The current estate tax limit is $5.6 million so if you’re within that limit, it may not be an issue.

      1. The exemption is actually $11.2 million per person now (assuming OP’s FIL died in 2018).

        Also, it is rare for it to take 6+ months to get someone appointed as executor or administrator of someone’s estate. Do you have a T&E lawyer?

    3. To be more specific, it’s $500k in proceeds and an estate totaling about $175k, with $50k in cash and the rest in a debt-free home. Not big money on a relative basis.

    4. Ask the attorney handling the probate. When we help clients with estate administration, we’re usually involved in every aspect of the decedent’s affairs, not just the probate assets. This is definitely a fair question for the estate attorney. It wouldn’t be a taxable event in my state, but some states still do have gift taxes, so it’s not merely a federal tax question.

      +1 on making sure there’s a power of attorney for your husband to handle MIL’s affairs when she’s unable to do so.

    5. Half a million estate to someone who sounds like they need a trustee-ship or at crying minimum power of attorney to your DH is worth getting a lawyer involved. This is what estate lawyers make their well earned money on.

  17. It’s my first time speaking in court next week! Would love any tips from the hive.

    For context, I’m a biglaw associate and will be presenting with a team. I’m the only woman on my team, and I’ll be the most junior person who will be speaking on either side.

    1. Wear comfortable shoes so you can stand comfortably at the podium. Practice your introduction – “Your honor, Lorelai Gilmore, of Dewey Cheatham & Howe, on behalf of Defendant Giant Corporation.” Practice your projection. Streamline your notes so you can comfortably take as little as possible up to the podium with you. Prepare prepare prepare.

      Is this a presentation or an argument? (Not sure what a presentation would be in the context of court.)

      1. OP here – Thank you! It’s a combination of the two (Markman hearing and technical tutorial). I’m doing part of the argument in the Markman.

        1. IP litigator, here. I love Markman. Do you have any intel on your judge? Some prefer a straight presentation while some will interrupt you with questions within the first minute.
          If you have a more *interactive* judge, make yourself a short list of your absolutely-must-hit points for your claim terms, so that you won’t miss them if the judge doesn’t address arguments in the order you had them prepared. If you have a judge who just lets you give your presentation, as drafted, make sure you remember to look up, make eye contact, and pause to allow questions if he/she has any.

    2. I recently argued a motion after not having gone to court for years (I don’t do litigation any more) and I was definitely a little nervous. Make sure you speak slowly and clearly enough so the court reporter can keep up. Make eye contact with the judge or jury. It helps to keep it more like a conversation and less like a lecture. Don’t worry if you get flustered for a minute or need to pause to review your notes and make sure you’ve gotten in everything you are trying to say. If you tend to play with your hair or talk with your hands too much, focus on keeping them on the podium in a relaxed grip. Good luck- I think everyone gets a slight touch of nerves or adrenaline when they stand up to present in court.

  18. I need advice. I have made a series of bad decisions in recent years that have dramatically altered the rest of my life for the worse. I left a job at a start-up for the grueling pace and ended up in a job with a MORE grueling pace. I sold my condo that I adored and relocated for the new job. I ended a brand new relationship with someone and haven’t found anybody to date in my new city. I left my friends.

    Fast forward: The stock options I walked away from would have been worth millions. My sold house would have doubled. My current job is worse than the old, I can’t stand my living situation, and now I will have to work decades longer. I could have been retired by now with a comfortable life in a city I loved and now I can’t even afford to move back there.

    I do not see how to move forward from this. I read all the books and articles about building self esteem but facts are facts and mine are ugly. I do not deserve any self esteem after making all these foolish decisions and I am just so trapped literally and figuratively. And getting older alone.

    1. I’m sorry, you’ve been dealt some crappy things. But don’t blame yourself. We all make decisions and then regret them. I don’t jump to therapy as often as others here, but it sounds like you may depressed. Therapy and/or meds may help you build a better life for yourself, which is the only way things are going to get better.

    2. Well, this seems unnecessarily harsh on yourself. You have a long life ahead; you can make other choices. Every single job or life change is a gamble, so you just have to reconcile that with your sadness about what you could have had. You would still be working a grueling job had you stayed. Now, you have the opportunity to look for and find something actually* not grueling and rewarding. Start looking if you haven’t. Or go get into therapy, get into a place where you aren’t telling yourself you don’t “deserve” self-esteem (what?!?), and then start looking. See what you can do by talking to HR about the reality of your new position not meeting what was sold to you.

      I think in these situations you need to talk to yourself the way a friend would. Would a good friend–a really good, loving friend–tell you you don’t deserve self -esteem merely because you took a leap and didn’t stick the landing? No. Definitely not.

      Did you blow up all those old friendships, or did you just not tend them? If the latter, then make amends now and try to rebuild those relationships–you can have rewarding friendships from afar.

      You have options. Don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve them unless you literally murdered someone in cold blood.

    3. Oh honey, I can see just how miserable you are on this and I want to help you. Self-esteem is not about making bad decisions. Self-esteem is about believing that even if you make bad decisions, you are still a valuable, beloved human being who deserves to be happy.

      I think you should focus on finding a new job, but while you’re doing that, what can you do to find happiness? What would happen if you just refused to work at the grueling pace the job demands? What would happen if you left every day at 5 for a yoga class? The job sounds like a disaster – so what if you treat it as such and focus on making your life happier?

    4. I also felt like I “missed the boat” for awhile. I was late 20s, getting divorced, unemployed after the startup I worked for went bottom up, moved home to live with my mom who was extremely hostile and unsupportive, and in massive student loan debt. I had declared Ch 7 personal bankruptcy over only $15K in credit card debt accumulated from my husband. I graduated from HYP undergrad, went to grad school, dropped out due to undiagnosed depression that I didn’t recognize, gave a friend’s startup a try, that failed, and I felt worthless. I never wanted to harm myself or end my life, but I felt that there was no way to fix anything in my life.

      Therapy and medication (low dose Zoloft) really helped me. I had to change the narratives that I was telling myself. It will get better. I encourage you to talk to your PCP about medication and therapy. She gave me a recommendation. Within 3 weeks of Zoloft, I felt like a cloud had begun to lift off of me.

    5. First question: how old are you?

      Second question: those stock options would have required you to potentially lose quite a bit of money if the company did not work out, correct?

      Third question: what is the bare minimum it would cost you to move back? If you threw your things into a storage unit, do you have a friend back home who would let you sleep in a spare room or on a couch until you found a job and could get an apartment?

      Fourth: will you promise to call your EAP line tomorrow?

    6. Ned Hallowell has a book on forgiveness (mainly forgiving others, but it can work on yourself). It is a good, thoughtful read.

      Think of if you died in a crash instead of moving (or didn’t die but were in a coma or having to rehab for 1 year). And now you get your life back, but you’re also starting over. See this time as a gift that not everyone gets. Look forward. Be gentle to yourself — if you don’t treat yourself good, the world won’t do any better.

    7. These aren’t so much bad decisions as they are bad luck. I assume there is some chance it could have come out the other way – the stock options could have been worthless, the current job could have been better. There’s no reason to put your former opportunity on a pedestal – you could have also bought a bunch of bitcoin in 2013 and been a millionaire now too, but you didn’t because you didn’t have a crystal ball. You can get a new job, you can find a different living situation. You can save up to move back to the city you loved. Your life isn’t over – the best parts just haven’t begun yet.

    8. I’ve been in a somewhat similar spot a few times, though maybe not as dramatically as what you’re describing – moved away from a city where we were happy to somewhere we were not, and my DH left his job just before the project he was working on took off, and would have paid out substantially. Weren’t able to sell our house in Old City because we moved in late 2007, as the housing market was crashing.

      Rented out old house, which meant living in a tiny condo ourselves. Hated living in New City, but stayed for 5 (miserable) years before moving back to Old City… just before DH’s project at his job in New City launched, meaning that we walked away from a major bonus. And then I had a good run after we moved back to Old City – took a really low-paying job at a startup, got acquired (though I only made a small amount from my shares), had a senior position, with a retention bonus equal to a year’s salary… and wanted to go back to a startup, so walked away from that to take a chance on a new company. Which failed, in a way that meant I was owed half a year’s salary and will never get it.

      And etc etc. The TL;DR is that at some moments, I felt the way it sounds like you do now – we had made bad decisions, and things were just awful. And then things got better!

      There were many cycles of this, and I expect there will be more. My overall point is that the low spots were just one moment in time, and I suspect that is also true for you. You won’t feel this way forever, and you didn’t blow your one shot at greatness/financial security.

    9. Reinterview in your old city! Move back asap, even if it reduced circumstances. And yes to some chemical courage.

    10. You can chose to be miserable or chose to make the most of life. Up to you. You want to make a change or not? If you do, therapy would be a good place to start. But you have to work for it.

    11. There’s a reason “hindsight is 20-20” is a common expression. You could waste your whole life looking backwards and thinking coulda shoulda woulda, but that benefits no one. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. If there are lessons to be learned (e.g. if you rushed the decision), then learn them and move forward. At this point all you can do is make the best of your life as it is now. Look for a new job, explore your options, etc.

    12. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’ve gotten good advice already. I’d add that you could try asking yourself what you’d say to a friend in the same situation. If someone you know to be a good person, a hard worker who had a run of tough luck, what would you advise her to do?

      Hang in there and please update us.

    13. Lots of good advice and comments above- let me just throw in, as someone who really fears change, I greatly admire people like you who are brave enough to explore and make changes! It all can’t work out perfectly. But your bravery is a true asset! Keep it up!

      1. +1 I don’t think you realize how courageous you are. I don’t have half the guts you do to make job/home/life changes (as much as I really need to). So many decision in life are a huge risk. Many don’t pan out and unfortunately you had all those risks not pan out at the same time. I know it’s hard to focus on the positive, but I fear you have no other option. To me, you are as brave as they come. Don’t give up!

    14. There is also the fact that you have absolutely no idea what would have happened if you’d made different choices. If your last day at that job was a Monday, who’s to say the Tuesday wasn’t the day you got hit by a bus during your commute? I know it seems like a silly example but you’re looking back assuming the best case scenario, but you truly don’t know that it would have worked out like that. You made your decisions based on the information they had at the time, and I second what the comments above have said. You’re incredibly brave and I really do admire you for making those kind of big changes. In a romcom you would definitely be the free-spirited heroine about to do something wild like move to France and open a vineyard.

  19. When you’re in between sizes in a shoe, do you size down and see if it’ll stretch while you painfully walk around in them, or size up and get an insert/tongue pad to fill the extra space?

    1. If leather, size down. It will stretch. Otherwise, I just don’t buy them if they don’t fit.

    2. Don’t walk around in painful shoes! If the shoes are stretchable (ie real leather), you can take them to a cobbler and have them stretch them for you, up to around a half size depending on the shoes. If they aren’t stretchable, get heel pads and a thin insert.

    4. If the shoe is all of these – perfect style that I 100% adore, leather on the outside & inside, and it’s only very mildly tight – I go with the smaller size and use shoe stretchers to make it comfortable. If even one of those is not entirely true, skip the shoe and walk away. Foot pain is not worth it.

  20. You are clearly really hurting, and of course you are – this all sounds really hard. Your second to last sentence in particular struck me – because self esteem isn’t something you have to deserve. You made some choices that feel like mistakes, but they weren’t morally wrong and they don’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re not lesser as a human being because of them.

    You aren’t happy with the life you have now. Okay! You can change it. However, it is really hard to figure out how to make changes if you are are depressed, and your last paragraph really makes it sound like you are. Are you seeing a therapist, and have you discussed medication? For me, medication was a godsend in helping me get stable enough to make changes in my life.

  21. I was interviewed on tv yesterday, and my makeup came off as very washed out with my lipstick and eyebrows very prominent/harsh. How can I improve it for the future?

    I have dark brown/nearly black hair, dark eyebrows, medium skin, light blue/grey eyes. I wear glasses.

    For makeup, I had done my eyebrows, black eyeliner on the waterline and none on top, light beige neutral eyeshadow, mascara, foundation, and plum lipstick (no bronzer or blush). I was wearing a green dress with a black blazer over it.

    Any tips? This is something new for me, and I likely will be on camera again. Thanks!

    2. Blush, a thousand times blush. It makes me look not-dead. Also, black eyeliner on the waterline can look extremely harsh; try just a little mascara on the bottom lashes if you really feel you need some attention there, but I generally opt only for topline eyeliner and mascara. Perhaps try a lilac or pink-toned brown for eyeshadow.

      But really, blush does wonders. I fought it for a long time, and finally started using it when I realized people stopped asking me if I was sick when I wore it.

    3. I don’t think the black blazer probably help to you. You probably need a lot more I make up to

    4. Congrats on the appearance! I’m sure you rocked it, we’re always our own harshest critic. A couple ideas: you definitely need bronzer and blush to help contour your face. I never used to use them, and watched Peony Lim’s videos/Instagram to learn to do my makeup better. I don’t use products as high end in most cases as hers, but the same techniques work. Basically, after you put on foundation (I add concealer and the Laura Mercier under-eye brightening powder) and set with powder, you have a blank, flat canvas and need to put natural-looking color back in your face. In addition to bronzer and blush, I’d add a little natural highlight on the top of the brow bone and top of the cheekbone. It adds a nice dimension. Eyeliner in the waterline can look harsh, and plum lipstick could read that way if it’s dark. Tidy and fill any brow gaps naturally, and find a flattering but natural lip color. I’d do a camera test if possible, even with just a phone, with a friend in bright lighting. Avoid wearing black next to your face, perhaps a flattering jewel tone?

    5. Blush, you must wear blush. Cool lipstick = cool toned blush. Warm lipstick = warm toned blush. (that’s my approach, keeps it simple). Bronzer and highlighter, maybe, but there’s no skipping blush.

      Do you have a local Bobbi Brown, Laura Mercier or Trish McEvoy counter nearby? They all have natural looking makeup and the artists should be able to help you find an on-air look. they will also help you find the best blush placement for your face shape. Make sure they teach you so you can do it on your own. They should do one side of your face, and you would do the other so they can correct your technique on the spot. Be vocal about what you don’t like, and if something doesn’t feel right say so.

      I also recommend a dark brown liner rather than black, which reads harsher.

      Definitely do a camera test, with bright light in your face (like they have on set)

      It’s always strange seeing yourself, and more so on a new medium.

  22. I know this happens to a lot of us on a semi frequent basis but it doesn’t get any easier to hear. A male coworker just spoke for several minutes about how women shouldn’t work, they should only have children and be mothers. This is a man I was formerly on good terms with and generally liked. He’s way senior so I didn’t feel like I could push back but ugh. The conversation was just the two of us so his comments were met with dead silence, I mean what did he expect me to say?

    2. My next comment would be “Wow — I must have gotten my secret power of invisibility” and start plotting away :)

    3. What a maroon! Agree, push back on that. A flat “I disagree” or “Wow.” or “Huh, I guess we don’t see things the same way.” I am not sure what exactly I would say, I might go mute in the moment, but just because he is senior doesn’t mean you do not get an opinion.
      And yeah, I don’t know if I could ever think of him the same way again. At least now you know how he really feels and can take that into account when deciding whether to rely on him for career advancement?
      Ugh, what a dinosaur.

    4. Does your company have an HR department ? That’s reportable, and I would. Someone like that should not be in a position of power.

  23. I posted some weeks ago about my DH having unexpectedly caught me gardening on my own. Since then we’ve had several talks, and some good things have come out of it (maybe some less good, too).

    Pluses: It has helped us talk more frankly about our gardening needs. I have said about what I like and dislike. Some of this (especially the dislike bit) has come as a complete surprise to him (after 10+ years!). I thought it was obvious when I physically stopped you/moved you to a different area every time you have started doing this. Apparently the message was not received! He has said about feeling rejected when I have said no and asked me to use different language that will soften the blow. I have also shared that I’d like to change it up sometimes, he is happy to try other stuff though maybe baby steps.

    Minuses: DH has identified via googling that ‘women tend to self garden because they are not satisfied in their gardening lives’. This has made him feel hurt in that he was not meeting my needs (not true in terms of quantity at all, if anything I am super exhausted in our working lives and with our young kids and I’d like to have less not more!).
    But he has overcompensated by trying to go overboard in having all of the awesomest gardening ever and wanting me to be over the moon and wanting to make sure I am super satisfied – sometimes in a misdirected way like trying for multiple o’s for me when I am not feeling it. Also DH feels a bit more needy right now, so I have to reassure a little bit that he is still needed and wanted. I think he understands that but the reassurance is good to have. Staying up late and having all these talks about it are super tiring for me and I almost want to have less of it, not more, after these talks because it’s way past my usual sleep time already and the emotional content of these talks exhausts me.

    On the general relationship, I have no complaints. A kind and generous partner, considerate and loving, really enjoying talking with and being with him, super involved dad, really shoulders a lot of responsibility of the household, etc.
    So I know I should weather through this period where we are hyper focused on gardening and emotions and having talks, because the shock of seeing me doing that I think was a big blow to him and we are still coming to terms with it.
    I also feel that this emotional period for him may have started slightly before I was caught in the act, and is so out of character that I wonder if there are other issues at play. Lack of exercise, or sleep deprivation, or midlife crisis (if it were me I know it would be hormonal! I am very emotional at a time of the month, it feels like that, except it hasn’t happened in 10 years) – I suggested a visit to the doc to rule out other issues but he demurred.

    Not sure what my question is, just wanted to say thank you for the support, and continued advice welcome.

    1. Oh boy, gotta love google misdirection. My friend’s husband is getting similar “helpful” advice from the internet, and it is not actually helping. At all. So great how that works.

      Can you share with him that you are exhausted and want to continue this dialogue but in order for you to be at your best – and have really wonderful alone time with him – you need to catch up on your sleep. It’s cool that he appreciates the reassurance, but you can’t be a reassurance machine set to “reassurance level high” – it’s not sustainable. Since you want this to work long term, it’s going to be a long term solution. Which requires some down time to recharge. the reality is that you can only do these intense talks/sessions for so long before you burn out. He needs to respect that, and not take it personally.

      In some of these down times, can you just lie together and be quiet? Or watch a movie together and snuggle? Something with physical contact, but not charged with emotion, just calm and comforting.

      I struggle with the idea that he gets to define what your self-gardening means in the context of your life and your shared relationship. Not only that, but he has the exact recipe for making it “right” again. Not sure where your actual needs and desires fit in here.

      It sounds like he has trouble self-soothing. Is this true? If so, that sounds like one of the core issues here, and something he needs to work on. You cannot be in charge of his internal zen. And the need to control what behaviors are acceptable in the context of your relationship makes me think the old “I need you to behave like this so that I can be comfortable” line – which is all about control and inability to self-soothe. Imo, at least.

      Good luck – I hope you get teh rest you need so that you can continue strengthening your relationship. You just need a re-fuel, not an engine overhaul :)

    2. My first thought after reading this was that it was extremely well written, which makes me think you probably thought it through very carefully. I am just wondering if maybe that is because you are not trusting your emotions and are instead trying to use logic to handle this situation. What are you feeling?

      It sounds like you are undergoing a huge amount of physical and emotional labor to help your husband process his man feelings of rejection. Your “no” is too harsh for him? I am so sorry that he can’t see how much worse it is for you that he is making you say no, and that he is not seeing that you are physically needing to turn him away/stop him from what he is doing (for 10+ years?!).

      I also really don’t like that he is taking out his insecurities on you/overcompensating in the form of more $3x that you do not seem to want (you said you want less, not more). Seems manipulative and rapey.

      As for the alone time you had: I would have trouble feeling good about a relationship with a person who didn’t get that alone time is sacred whether you are in a relationship or not. If I wanted to be extremely charitable, I would maybe say it could be different for men who feel that when they O alone they are missing the chance to O with a partner, but even that is a personal choice and he should not be monitoring your body in that way.

      If you think your husband can get past this (because from everything you said I hunk this is a “him” issue not a “you” or “couple” issue), I would maybe explore couples counseling. It sounds like he has some great qualities. But this is also a really big deal about your bodily autonomy. Makes me wonder if he is also disrespecting in other, less visible ways. If that strikes a chord, my advice is to run.

      This is probably not well written; it is my stream of consciousness. I recently divorced a guy who was not respectful of some of my most basic needs. Sure we had great conversations and he was a good person in other ways. Otherwise why would we have gotten married? But sometimes new information about a person changes the calculus.

    3. Have you straight up told him that his efforts to compensate are misdirected? That your solo activities are not a reflection of dissatisfaction with your mutual gardening?

      I think it’s worth being super specific, and taking a hard line about not doing anything that you aren’t actually enthusiastic about. Its ok to have unenthusiastic s*x sometimes, but right now it seems like it’s entrenching a dynamic that could get really gross.

      The idea that he gets to have an opinion about what you do alone, and that you owe him any kind of reassurance is already mid-range gross, to be honest. If it makes him uncomfortable, maybe he should take that up in therapy. But at minimum, hard no on reassurance in the form of s*x that you don’t really want to be having.

    4. Late to this but I listened to an episode of the Nuanced Life which discussed this in a really thoughtful way. May be worth a listen.

    5. I think he’s insane and you should stop coddling him. “I was tending my own garden. It’s completely normal, has nothing to do with you, and I’m done discussing it. I’m baffled you think you have the right to control my sexuality.”

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