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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
ER
I am reporting back on the red DVF shirt dress that was featured last week as a splurge pick. Unfortunately the color in real life was more…orange! So it is going back. I loved the material, but the cut was not flattering on my body (I am the opposite of hourglass).
It’s not exactly the same category, but while I was at net-a-porter, I also ordered this dress from Theory that I loved! It’s more of an evening dress than a work dress, though.
https://www.net-a-porter.com/us/en/product/1149433/Theory/wrap-effect-silk-chiffon-midi-dress
Anon
Who does DvF work for exactly? I am an hourglass and it looks horrible on me. I feel like I’ve heard complaints about DvF fit from pretty much all body types.
Anon
Straight, narrow, relatively thin, cup B size or smaller – and give up all hope if you’re petite. Seriously I’ve never seen it work other than with a very particular body type. At this point, I’m convinced DvF is a drug front because I don’t know anyone who can fit the clothes.
Anonymous
I fit this description and DvF is too curvy for me.
Anonymous
I think it’s not just body type but also comfort with the low cut aspect and wrap. It’s not a “substantial” wrap (by which I mean there’s not a lot of extra fabric) so it’s more apt to fly open or need to be adjusted when sit than say a wrap by Leota, and I also have no qualms about showing my chest (and am not quite a B cup on a good day). I do need to size up (usually to a 10 from my normal 6), but the patterns are so gorgeous and the fabric so fluid, I do it.
Ellen
I love DVF, and I think we all ought to wear her stuff, much like my Mom wore Gloria Vanderbilt back when she had a smaller tuchus (before I was born). After me and Rosa, it is not a surprise that she is what she is today; especially b/c she was a stay at home mom who spent a lot of time watching TV when cable first came out. She said she loved MTV back then!
Anonymous
Works for me- long torso hourglass
NYCer
I am very tall and very thin and DVF works great for me.
Gigi
Thanks for reporting back!
Anonymous
Reposting here for more exposure!
I am planning on getting a puppy at the end of August (french bulldog). I chose the breed because they are well suited to apartment living and don’t need a ton of exercise – I live alone in a one plus den and am a 2nd year associate at a midsize firm (approx 200 lawyers). I have planned and researched for a puppy for years and years, but never pulled the trigger because I was waiting for a boyfriend to help me raise him. I’m now a year out of a really terrible breakup, am not really dating, and have decided that I don’t want to have my life on hold while I wait to find someone. My therapist also suggested it would be a good idea for the companionship and to help with my anxiety and depression (for which I am now medicated). All of this is just background, as I am wondering if anyone has experience raising a puppy on their own while working a demanding job? I know it is going to be really tough for the first while, but I live a 5 minute walk away from my office and have a good support system in place (three brothers with flexible schedules and parents eager to puppysit when I have a busy week or go away). Any tips for surviving/not losing my job while I am training the little guy!?
AZCPA
Have professional help ready to go, including a dog walker and a dog trainer. You may not need either, but you may need both. Better to be prepared now.
Anonny
Don’t buy a puppy, French bulldogs are especially susceptible to health problems due to inbreeding even from “reputable” breeders. Go to a breed specific rescue or put your name on the list for your local shelter, most have a program where you tell them what you’re looking for and if an animal with those characteristics arrives they will call you.
Anonymous
You an also search petfinder.com to search shelters near you by breed. You can filter by age and the have little photos and bios. That’s how I found my sweet rat terrier and rat terrier/Italian greyhound mix. And when you get from a shelter, you’re saving two dogs.
Anonymous
+1 and very very slow to learn potty training, which would be terrible with your work hours unless you have support.
The Original ...
Wondering if you’d be happier with a dog that’s 2ish years old… past the puppy stage of tons of housebreaking, being up at night, needing tons of walks and attention, etc. but young enough to have a long time with him (hopefully).
Be mindful of typical health complications and risks with this breed and restrictions on traveling with this breed (especially by plane). Also, talk with fam about their willingness to help realistically. (Once every so often when you need a hand vs. rotating who comes by daily when you have to work late, very different things.)
Price out vet care and high quality food/toys/treats so you are sure you can afford costs, consider whether pet insurance is right for you based on your budget.
Sign up for even a basic training course right away, it both builds the relationship and teaches basic safety commands and how to walk on a leash. Better to learn good habits than to try to untrain bad habits later.
Puppy-proof your house and never give raw hide, make sure they have shots and be mindful of which dogs you allow interaction with. Socialization is great but many vets would never go to a dog park because of safety/health risks. Also, be cautious with small kids until you know what the dog can tolerate in terms of attention, affection, noise, movement, etc.
Also, YAY you for doing what makes you happy rather than waiting for someone else to be present for you to have the experience! :D
Anonymous
Yes, a puppy is a ton of work and the amount of attention and training they need is significant. I would dog-proof the house (remove chewable stuff, loose cords, clutter, etc.). Get a baby gate to cordon off an area of the house and/or crate. The key really is for you to be consistent and persistent. Try to work from home if you can so that you can bond/train and just watch the dog, if necessary. You’re going to want to take the dog out frequently initially so that it learns to go outside, rather than in the house. Or consider puppy pads/fake grass. And possibly, get lint rollers.
Inspired By Hermione
Yes, I got a 1.5 year old mutt (probably some schipperke, some chihuahua, not sure what else) from the shelter and he is great. He was more or less house trained (although he wasn’t really into the idea, and still has some days where he “forgets”) and he’s my best friend. He’s the BEST for anxiety/depression- both as a companion and as someone who has to go on walks, and so, by god, we’re going on walks. He did have and has had since the day I got him a gigantic fear of skateboards- almost wonder if he got hit by one when he was a stray or something, and he’s kind of a jerk on leash (just for me, not like lunging for others) but he’s my little jerk and I love him. <3
Explorette
I highly recommend doggie daycare, in addition to the puppy training classes.
Anonymous
All of the above, plus can you take some time off around Labor Day? A puppy is like having a newborn (up all night) that may also chew up your shoes (human babies don’t have teeth and don’t move around a lot). Good luck!
Anon
Training and doggie daycare from the very beginning. You’ll also want a vet picked out to visit very quickly after you come home, and to have a potty-training strategy at the ready. The daycare wears them out while you’re working so that you can actually sit still at night. You’ll have to find a puppy day care as some places won’t take young dogs or dogs that aren’t neutered yet. Other than that… start reading! There is so much to learn about what you need and how to get through the first few months while you get steady on your feet again. It really is a somewhat like having a new (human) baby. (Though, it doesn’t last as long as a human baby by far!!)
Some random tidbits of puppy care I’ve picked up from raising two beagle pups 12 years apart: you can give dogs benadryl (for eating wasps), pepcid (for vomiting), and immodium (for diarrhea). Have some jarred chicken baby food (it smells awful) and rice on hand for when they inevitably get sick the first time. I’ve also found this round that dehydrated goats milk with probiotics is a big help for mild tummy trouble.
Anon
Oh, if you don’t want them on the furniture, keep them off from day one. I don’t mind so haven’t trained my dogs as such but it would be a nightmare to try to keep him off now. He is pretty good at this point (over age 2) at knowing he’s not supposed to get on furniture at some houses, but that’s been a process.
anon
do NOT give any medication or human anything until/unless your vet gives you amounts, it is easy to mess this up and can be fatal. This breed is especially susceptible to breathing problems and health issues so this can be an even bigger risk!
Anon
Sorry, yes, I should have said that! Please please call your vet first! Sometimes vets won’t make OTC suggestions, though, until asked.
Anon
there are universally acceptable human foods to give dogs that consulting a vet about would be way overboard. Boiled chicken with no spices and rice is a universal bland diet for any dog when they get an upset tummy, there is no need to consult a vet unless there is something else going on.
Agreed on the medicine, especially for a puppy I always check with the vet on dosage.
Anon
Yeah a vet will laugh at you and ask if you can feed your dog chicken and rice. Those are ingredients in many dog foods. Agree you should check about meds.
Anon
*laugh at you if you call to ask, I mean
Anon
New dog + BigLaw associate is a very tough combination. Puppy + BigLaw associate + living alone seems like an almost impossible combination to me.
Anon
It’s really not, but it IS expensive. You need a dog walker for puppy walks (a puppy has to be let out every four hours) and an evening dog walker at least on the regular. You also need a reliable boarding facility for when you have to go out of town all of a sudden. You might want a doggy daycare as well. I had a dog (though not a puppy) while in big law and single and didn’t do doggy daycare, but that’s because I had an adult super lazy dog. She literally slept the entirety of the work day except for one or two hours randomly staring out the window. For people with medium energy level dogs and intense work schedule, long morning walks (tricky if it’s hot where you live with a snub nosed dog) and doggy day care a few days a week works just fine.
Also, can you come a few times a week as your schedule allows to let the dog out over lunch since you living 5 minutes walking distance from work?
cbackson
Yeah, I replied on the other post. I did it and it was life-chyanging for me, but it was $$$$.
Anon
But you are not an associate, nor did you adopt a newborn puppy.
Anonymous
Sign up for puppy classes that start as soon as you can go (based on vaccine dates, ask a vet). Its so much easier to learn in that setting and you’ll be grateful for having some structure to the training system. Starting early and being consistent is super key to avoiding behavioral issues. Get lots of puppy pads and assume your house will get peed all over for the few months, and schedule dog walkers. May not be necessary once the dog reaches adulthood but puppies aren’t physically capable of holding it for more than a couple of hours. Good luck have fun!!!
Ellen
Of course! Go for it, and never expect a boyfriend to help with the pooches! My ex couldn’t take care of himself, so I doubt highly he would be of any utility if I bought a dog and asked him to walk it, or worse yet, clean up after it! FOOEY!
Midsize Law
I am at a similar firm and I adore my dog. I am also one of the posters who talks about how much $$$$$ she spends on keeping said dog happy/healthy while working a demanding job.
Full disclosure, the answer to how to have a dog as a biglaw/midlaw atty. is my SO. He has a flexible job and worked remotely/contract when we first got the puppy, so he basically raised puppy the entire first year. If he had not, I would not have been able to do it, and that is with a dog walker, a backup dog walker, dog daycare, and someone who does dog daycare drop-offs because I can’t leave the office that early.
I have a colleague who has a similar short-nose breed and she is able to manage okay, but it is not ideal and she pays a ton for two walkers and dog daycare, and even though not a working breed or anything requiring a ton of exercise, she is having issues with the dog being bored and annoyed at how much she works. Nothing less productive than a whining dog while you are trying to eek out two more work hours from home. My SO will play with our dog and do a long walk when this happens.
I adore my dog and it was a healthy addition to our family AFTER the puppy years. The dog is a very good dog now–post board and train program and a ton of work on our part. However, that first year was awful and the first few months with work and sleep deprivation my mental health was shot. I was miserable and I regretted getting the dog so much.
If I lived by myself, I would get a very calm, 2 or 3 year old dog that is a healthier breed (not a short-nosed dog) and was fostered, so I knew that he/she loved to sleep all day and had been trained already. And have dog daycare and walking set up.
Aggie
Check with doggie daycare before you begin searching for a dog. Most require that the pet be altered and up to date on vaccinations. For smaller breeds, this could be several months. Dog walkers can fill in the gaps until that time, but puppies have a limited time they can hold it.
I did not adopt a dog until I had a fenced in back yard and doggy door for precisely this reason. My dogs have access to outside as well as an indoor “potty” (which they only use on firework holidays)….so I never feel guilty if I have to leave them alone for 9+ hours a day. Based on our security cameras, they pretty much sleep and scatter toys around the house. When they were puppies, they were in and out all day and we still had to take them out every 3 hours to remind them to potty.
Anonymous
Honestly buying a puppy, especially a french bulldog that will have so many congenital issues is so unethical. Please consider adopting. Shelters/rescues often have puppies of desirable breeds if you actually look.
Anon
This.
Anonny
+1 it baffles me sometimes how this community supports such practices.
Anonymous
+1
I strongly believe in supporting truly ethical breeders (not “AKC” level ethical). However, I don’t believe it’s possible to breed French bulldogs ethically.
Miss
I’m single and work in a demanding job where I unpredictably have to stay really late. I would never get a puppy. It’s just too much for one person working full time.
I adopted a 3-year-old dog from a shelter and it was absolutely the best choice for my life. I pay a dog walker and my dad also stops by once a week. And my sister lives a block away and can stop by on an irregular basis. As a bonus, my dog was already house trained.
Anonymous
I am single and live in a condo and adopted a puppy 4 months ago, when the puppy was 8 weeks. He is a mini golden doodle. I love him dearly and he has been more work than I ever imagined.
I would seriously consider getting a young dog instead. A friend of mine adopted a lab last year who didn’t make it as a guide dog. I thought that was a fantastic idea as the dog was so well trained when he got her.
A few things I think I did right and wrong:
— took an extended leave when the puppy came home
— started puppy training classes the week after he came home
— took him to puppy play classes to socialize (could take him there and to puppy class before he had his 12 week shots)
— started him at daycare when he was able to go (not until he had his 16 week shots)
— stuck to a bedtime for him – he goes in his playpen to sleep about 8:30 and sleeps through the night until 6 ( slept in a crate initially, but doesn’t like it anymore).
On the flipside:
— I didn’t know enough about puppy nutrition and my guy has a sensitive stomach. I have cleaned up more puppy diarrhea than I ever thought I would — including in the middle of the night. If I had to do it again, I would have trained him with his kibble vs using treats for training, at least for the first while, and introduced new foods much more slowly
— I am still working with him on staying alone — he hates it — would have started that training earlier
— re training in general, we are still working on a lot of commands — it is a continual process.
I recommend getting your supports in place before you bring the dog home. A couple of things I like — my vet clinic has four vets, so I have always been able to get him in the same day when needed and they are open Saturday mornings. My daycare does grooming, will pickup and drop off and does walks, so fewer people to make arrangements with.
Good luck!!
Anonymous
What are your favorite salad toppings? I need to mix up my cheese, chicken, tomatoes routine.
Anon
Seeds and/or nuts!
Anon.
Yes! I buy a mix (near the salad dressing/croutons) that has craisins, sunflower seeds, pepitas and something else (flax?). Makes every salad better.
Anon
Leftover roast veg and hummus.
Anon
Southwest: tomato, cojita cheese, pepitas, avocado, black beans, tortilla strips.
Gorgonzola, cranberry, almonds, pistachios, hard boiled egg.
Lentils, roasted mushroom, roasted red pepper, hummus, tomatoes, cucumber, pita.
Vicky Austin
Dried cranberries and feta!
Anemone
Not all together, but: pears, tzatziki, mozzarella, pecans, cold tuna, pepperocini.
Abby
I love greek salad with lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, some feta, beets if you’re into them, and using greek yogurt as dressing (with salt and pepper).
Another favorite is chopped red and green cabbage, shredded carrots, bamboo shoots, green onion, wonton strips, topped with sesame seeds and a dressing made with peanut butter mixed with soy sauce & water until desired consistency!
height and dating
Thoughts on whether height of a partner matters? I know many cishet women who would never date a man shorter than them or even the same height. It seems silly in theory but then I also know some who end up with body image issues or unhealthy eating patterns if they weigh more than a mate, which isn’t uncommon when dating someone shorter.
Is it a dealbreaker for you? Is there a minimum height difference you require/prefer/want between you and a potential mate?
Anon
I’m 5’11” so I’d rule out over half the US male population if I insisted on him being taller than me and that never made much sense to me. Also in my experience, a lot of really tall men won’t date tall women, which would further narrow my dating pool (interestingly, I know lots of shorter and average height guys who really love tall women). I dated pre-app so I never had to set a hard and fast rule but I don’t think I’d be attracted to someone who was much shorter than 5’8. I wouldn’t rule anything out in the abstract though, just would have to meet in person and see if there was attraction. My husband is 5’9″.
Also height != weight. My husband is and always has been significantly heavier than me (and he’s not fat, just literally big-boned and muscular).
Anon
In my experience, men have been more put off by my height than I have been by theirs.
Anonny
My husband is 5 inches taller than me and about 40lbs heavier, I don’t think I could deal with a man too much shorter or lighter without it impacting my self esteem.
anon for this
I’m about 5’3, so it is rarely an issue. However, there is a guy from an app who I just found out is 5’1. I don’t know his body shape/type but I am hourglass and I do wonder if I will feel overall big next to him if he’s both shorter and visibly thinner/smaller than me. He seems otherwise lovely. I am surprised that this gives me hesitation. I think I just want to feel protected and to be able to be the little spoon and be small because I have to be such a big personality and hold my own in the other areas of my life. That said, I am going to meet him and I do hope that the click happens and I forget about the height part. I don’t much like to wear heels anyway.
Anon
I’m a similar height and, to me, build matters a lot more the shorter a guy is, especially if he is significantly shorter than average height. It’s more of a personal matter of attraction, but I’m short and on the thicker side – I just couldn’t find myself attracted to a man shorter and thinner than me, it’d feel like dating someone with a 12 yr old girl’s body and eeks me out.
Ellen
It really depends. I normally would not date someone that short, even tho I am only 5 2″, but if Tom Cruze came along and wanted to date me, I would not care! Bring him on, even tho he was kind of nutty on Oprah!
Anemone
I actually prefer shorter guys. I’m turned off by someone towering over me. Hubby is 5’6″.
Anon
I feel similar. I don’t enjoy talking to very tall men at all. I’m fine with +10″ but any more and I’m holding back fight-or-flight.
Skipper
I’m 5’7″. My 6′ tall husband is the tallest man I’ve ever dated. The shortest guy I dated was, like, 5’3″. I am not one of those women who needs to feel “little” or “protected” in her relationship, so height isn’t a big deal for me.
Anonymous
Oh boy I feel like I’m going to be attacked for saying this, but height is totally a deal breaker for me. It’s just a personal preference thing – I’m not typically attracted to short guys. I don’t really date anyone under 5’11” and 6’2” is ideal. It’s not a need to feel small (I’m only 5’4”), just an attraction thing and likely because I am used to dating athletes who tend to be tall.
Shopaholic
I’m 5’2 but I like dating taller men. I’ve regularly dated guys over 6′ although I have gotten into arguments with my taller girlfriends who apparently hate that shorter women are dating taller men…
FFS
Haha, same. “You’re stealing the tall ones!” I’m 5’1 and all my boyfriends have been over six foot – my husband is 6’7.
Anon
I’m the 5’11” anon above and it IS annoying, but I don’t blame short women. I have three guy friends over 6’3″ who will only date short women. One of them is 6’5″ and he enforces a one foot minimum difference – he literally will not so much as have a drink with a woman over 5’5″. I think a lot of tall men are threatened by tall women, personally. And honestly, it’s probably indicative of a personality (liking a more demure, less assertive woman) that I wouldn’t want in a partner, height aside, so I don’t consider it a huge loss.
Anon
Thank you for giving this some context! I’ve been one of the annoyed tallish (5’8″) for so long!
Anonymous
+1 I’m 5’8 and I’ve dated tall. I agree that it speaks more to their personality when they place value on their/your height. And those are not personalities that I’ve found appealing.
Anonymous
Well someone has to be able to reach on top of the fridge and it’s not me… XD
Suburban
To each her own, but for me preference as to height was one of the easiest “requirements”to eliminate. Attraction is important but height? Not for me.
I have a friend who would only date tall men. My husband is handsome and hers is…tall.
Anonymous
I agree about attraction vs. checklist. I thought I liked shorter guys, and I married someone a foot taller than me. Why let preconceived ideas get in the way of chemistry?
In general, I’m uncomfortable with when I get the impression that someone is planning a picture perfect life” complete with the correct size partner (which usually comes with a long checklist of other requirements that aren’t within anyone’s control). It’s okay to fall in love with people who wouldn’t look right on paper.
anon
I feel like men (and some women) look at whether height “matters” like there’s a specific numerical cut off invalidating all else, which seems so reductive and off-base. For me, at least, height is one factor that can influence my attraction to someone in the same way that weight, body type, hair color and style, facial structure, etc., all do. I’m 5’2″ so most all men are taller than me and it’s usually not an issue. But I still find that my attraction decreases when a guy is less than 5’7″or 5’8″ or so. I do want him to feel bigger than me. I want to be picked up and handled. That said I’d never totally rule someone out based on a number if enough attraction was otherwise there.
Anon
I’ve dated guys both taller, shorter, and my height. And I would happily date any of those again, but probably not a guy that is more than a few inches shorter than me. Most of the guys I’ve dated have been around my height and skinny. But I did recently date a guy 4 inches taller than me and larger, and it felt great to be the little spoon. But not a limiting factor I’m going to use – I think shorter men can be amazing, just as larger women can be.
Anonymous
I was Brienne of Tarth until high school when the boys caught up (most of them), so I got over it pretty early in life. But I am older now and it’s pretty hard for a guy >35 to weigh less than me — they all get heavier quickly in middle age + job it seems.
Vicky Austin
A+ for references, I suppose you are also a certified badass? ;)
Anon
I’m 5’8″ and am more attracted to men about 5’10” and up. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker but I’d have a hard time getting over the initial hump (though that is true of many things and I’m really pretty good at giving most anyone a chance these days…it’s just harder for me to develop the attraction to someone my height or shorter).
As for self-esteem…it does bother me a bit, but if he loves me and is (genuinely) happy with how I look/is attracted to me, I’d get over it. I’m almost too accepting of body weight though, so I may be an outlier. (I’m struggling to figure out how to lose some weight even though my cholesterol is a touch high. I’m “overweight” on the BMI charts but about a size 16 right now. More than anything I want my old clothes to fit so I don’t have to buy new ones!)
Anon
Edited to add: the self-esteem paragraph was in relation to how I’d feel about weighing the same or more than an SO.
Vicky Austin
I’m shorter than my husband but I weigh more. This does not bother me, as he is SUPER skinny and I am at a perfectly healthy weight, but it bothered my MIL when FIL was the same at the same age. FIL is now a normal weight for a man his age.
Anonymous
I’ll speak to the opposite problem – I am 5′ and I have trouble dating tall men. I find them attractive, but standing on my tip toes just to get a kiss can be frustrating. My last boyfriend was 6′ and it literally caused a pain in my neck (and his back).
Anonymous
I’ve always tended to date guys that were at least my height or taller (5’9″). It’s not the need to feel “protected” or “small” (though I was a bit off-put when I realized my thigh was so much larger around than my high school boyfriends one time), but more that I find men that are shorter than me have “little man syndrome.” It always seemed to be a bigger issue to them and like they had to prove something.
Anonymous
I’m a 6′ tall woman, I think my minimum height, if any, is 5’7. I happened to meet my first love at 21 and he was 5’7, so it kind of set the standard for height. I would find it hard(er) to be attracted to someone shorter, but it’s not an absolute no. Also, echoing the 5’11 anon, it seems like taller men actually prefer not to date taller women, at least in my experience as well.
In my experience, I’ve had far more men who were like…5’10 ask if I dated shorter, to which I rolled my eyes hard. Men are more put off by my height and profession (law) than I am by theirs, IMO.
Anonymous
I’m 5’10” and I thought it was a deal breaker for me until I met DH. Previous BF was 6’6” and DH is 5’9”. He outweighs me because he is fit/muscular so he weighs about 20lbs more than me. Compared to other taller boyfriends, i think a guy who is comfortable dating women who are the same height or taller is pretty comfortable/confident in themselves.
cbackson
I’ve always tended to be attracted to short to middle-height men (I’m 5’4 and my ex-husband was 5’6). I’m seeing a tall guy now and it’s a bit odd, TBH? I’m not used to the height difference.
AnonForThis
Someone once told me the only thing that matters is how tall he is when he’s laying down. Teehee. I’m 5’8″ and I’ve dated guys as short as 5’2″. I find that a lot of amazing men (smart, in shape, super funny) are single and short. Probably because of the height issues that so many women have.
Anon
My husband is 5’11” and it works perfectly for me. I’m less attracted to shorter guys in general, but never say never. It’s definitely an evolutionary thing – tall tends to read as strong/provider/athletic and it affects trends of attraction to this day.
Yes
My spouse is significantly taller than me and that really matters to me, but it’s entirely due to attraction. I am attracted to tall, broad-shouldered, blond/blue-eyed, baseball player dudes and always have.
anon
I struggled with this a lot while dating. One of my most serious relationships was with a guy my height (actually slightly shorter) and i’m only 5’4″. He was the nicest guy but I felt zero attraction to him, though I don’t think it was height exclusively, since my boyfriend after him was 5’7″ and we had no trouble in that department. I ended up marrying someone 6′, and I would say that while I prefer a guy be taller than me by a few inches, it was not a dealbreaker per se. It just played a role in my overall physical attraction to him.
Anon
I’m tall and definitely prefer men to be taller than me, but it depends on the person. I didn’t want to close myself off though so I dated all heights, minus those that were pretty short (like 5’7″ and lower). My husband is taller than me, but it wasn’t a strong requirement by that point. FWIW I think you definitely have to meet people in person to know if you’re truly attracted to them, sometimes someone who is very bleh in pictures is extremely charismatic (or vice versa) and that makes a huge difference.
Anon
I don’t usually go for very tall men (say 6’3″ and upwards) unless their length is all legs. It’s not a dealbreaker, but I don’t enjoy having to look upwards while sitting and talking with somebody (that you see this much), I don’t like being overwhelmed, and it’s not very practical for gardening. I’m the easiest attracted to lanky, medium sized (5’6″ to 6″1) and fairly skinny men, and it takes a lot for me to become attracted to big men (neither bulky muscles nor overweight nor very tall translates to insta-lust). The attraction for me is in the build, not in the height, so a shorter version of the same build is excellent. Where I live, the average height for men is about 5’11”, though, so I’m guessing my average might be tall somewhere else?
Anonnona
My DH is two inches shorter than me. At first it bothered me, like we didn’t “match” or fit together or something like that. Even my mom told me to find someone who was taller. But, I love him, and really it’s just another example of not letting societal expectations intrude on my happiness.
Managing work envy
I did a ton of work on a project that will be receiving an award this fall. My job is only sending one person – the other person on the project – to the awards ceremony. How do you deal with envy around these things? It’s not wrong that they have chosen the other person but I feel like my role has been totally erased. If someone said to me hey, we know you also played a critical role but we can only send one I would feel better, it just feels like everyone has forgotten about me. Yuck.
Anon
Oh I’m sorry. That’s the worst, especially that you’re feeling ignored. If this is a one-off thing, I’d say just lots of self-care and kindness to yourself. If this is part of a larger pattern, maybe it’s time to look for a new job where you’ll be more appreciated?
Which island
Give me advice on which island in Hawaii I should take my kids to (ages 4 and 6) — not Kauai, since we went there before. Grandparents will also be coming along with us. I have been to most all of the islands but my husband/kids have not.
I am leaning toward Oahu because it has the beach but also plenty of other things to keep our group engaged (Pearl Harbor, Polynesian Cultural Center). Maui is gorgeous but not sure if there is much to do besides the beach (please correct me if I’m wrong). I feel like the Big Island would be better when the kids are older and can do more hiking.
Thoughts?
Mrs. Jones
I vote Oahu.
Anon
Big Island. You know your kids best, but most 4 and 6 year olds are way more interested in lava than history. I don’t think kids that age would really get anything out of Pearl Harbor and there’s so much fun stuff to do in Volcanoes National Park that doesn’t involve strenuous hiking. All Hawaiian islands have things like snorkeling, sailing trips, ziplining, and helicopter tours, so I wouldn’t worry too much about being bored even if you don’t want to lounge at the beach all day.
Jess
Big Island and go to Mauna Kea, so family-friendly but also great for adults.
Big Island question
Regarding Big Island, how bad is the vog and the air in general? My son and DH have bad asthma and allergies.
nutella
This is a really good point. We went to Hawaii a lot as kids and I remember being that age thinking Pearl Harbor was so boring – and we were used to going to museums. I mostly remember standing in a long line in the sun. LOVED learning about the volcanoes and lava and Hawaiian mythology. Also had a blast at the Dole Plantation (that’s Oahu) but really all the other stuff that’s everywhere in Hawaii – snorkeling, boat and helicopter tours, whale watching, hula dancing and wearing leis! How fun for your family!
pink
I’m from there and ditto oahu. :)
Anonymous
Just want to point out – if your fam is full of cat lovers – this cool cat sanctuary: https://lanaicatsanctuary.org/
Lanai
Ha, we honeymooned in Lanai and didn’t care for that island at all. Just a bunch of fancy resorts. I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone traveling with kids.
Anonymous
Big Island. Ditto the comment on Volcanoes National Park, and a lot of the hikes are not strenuous. There are a lot of drive and pull out little walks, there’s the resorts on the northwest side that are kid friendly, and the northern side has little farms that have a lot of food and displays that are interesting for kids. Honestly, I went as a 26 year old looking for more hikes and we found out most of them were like easy 30-60 min walks which were great for kids.
Oahu is good too and probably has easier access to civilization, but it is super crowded.
Anon
+1 I think of Kauai as a destination for serious hiking, but not the Big Island. We did some hikes there but they were all easy (disappointingly easy, to a pair of childless adults).
OP
Thanks for the feedback. I should have added that my son and husband have bad asthma and I’m worried that the vog on the Big Island will adversely impact their symptoms. Can anyone speak to that?
Anonymous
Hi OP, as far as I understand of the 2018 eruptions you can’t really tell there’s vog outside of the immediate vicinity of the eruption itself, which may not even extend to Hilo. Check state advisories before you book and everything, but the Big Island is HUGE. Like, huge enough that my friend and I drove about 800 miles in a week going around and around the island.
Anon
Kailua on Oahu, rent a house. Close enough to Honolulu but you don’t feel like you’re in a big city. It’s a small, cute town. Great beaches.
Ribena
I’m 5’9” and seeing a man who’s 6’3”. Before this I’ve only dated men closer to my height. He’s pretty lanky so it doesn’t feel like a big size difference, but I really like the ‘protected’ feeling. I don’t typically date guys shorter than me but the same height doesn’t bother me.
Ribena
(This was for the discussion above, sorry)
Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl
I was the poster from yesterday going to my first allergist appointment. Thank you for all the tips and information! My appointment went fine. They did a skin test on my back. I have so many allergies! One in particular I’d welcome advice on and that’s dust mites. What strategies did those of you with dust mite allergies find most effective?
Anon
Been through this and the following drastically cut down on the dust in the house:
1) Robot vacuum ran everyday and deep clean with real vacuum weekly
2) Weekly or (twice weekly in the bedroom) dusting with wet microfiber towel
3) No animals in the bedroom
4) Hepa air filters in most used rooms (bedroom and living room for most people)
5) No carpet, limit rugs.
Ribena
I have dust mite allergies and don’t do many of these things – what are you dusting over with the microfibre towel? All horizontal surfaces?
I have carpet in living room and bedroom and have a cordless vacuum so both of them get vacuumed twice a week.
Keek
Same to pretty much all of this, but I’ll sooner vacuum my dogs than not let them in the bed :)
Anonymous
Immediately bought allerease (?) covers for mattress and all pillows on bed. It made a huge difference.
Aggie
My dustmite allergy improves with cleanliness. I have a cleaning service come in once a weak for heavy dusting but I still vacuum and swiffer-dust every day. I have an allergen cover on my mattress and pillows and a HEPA filters in each bedroom. I also noticed significant improvement when I replaced my bedroom drapes with wooden shutters.
Anon.
You can buy covers for your mattress and pillows that help some. But the two biggest game changers for me (allergies include dust mites, animal dander, most grasses) are: 1) wood floors throughout my house and 2) allergy shots.
Anon
Since I haven’t seen it said yet, laundering your bedding regularly (like weekly) in HOT water will also cut down on the dust mites in a big way. You can probably also wash your pillows so I’d start there, cover them in the dust mite covers, and still wash them in hot water once a year or so.
Anon
Robot vacuum every day or every other day has made a big difference for me. I need to get better at dusting too.
Anon
For dust mite allergies the best thing is to cut down on things that collect dust, especially where you’re sleeping. So no knick knacks in the bedroom. I use a long handled microfiber duster every week and go over everything including the little ledges above the windows and door frames. The roomba runs a couple of times per week. The sheets and comforter cover get washed in hot weekly, and the comforter itself gets run through a hot dryer with wool dryer balls.
I will link to the duster separately.
Anon
Love this thing:
https://www.oxo.com/microfiber-hand-duster.html
I just throw the head in the laundry with a load of towels. I don’t put it in the dryer but it air dries really fast.
1st date question
Meeting someone for a 1st date at a local festival. Meeting a friend a few (3ish) hours later at that festival. If the guy and I hit it off, I can either include my friend or meet my friend later (she will be there with others too). However, what if it is awful and I want to part ways? How do I do that knowing that I will want to be staying there (so it’s not like I could feign ill and leave or something)? I am non-confrontational but also an introvert so the idea of having to spend hours with the guy if it’s a no go in the first 20 mins feels stressful. Ideas?
Monday
You can just say “I have to go meet up with my friend at X time,” or “I should go meet up with her now!” Anyone with any social competence will understand that this means the date is over and that he is not invited to join you and your friend.
If he’s really clueless or pushy, say you and friend need time to catch up just the two of you, but it was nice to meet him, etc.
Anon
It’s pretty weird if she says she has to go meet her friend and then her friend isn’t there for 3 more hours though. I mean hopefully he won’t be pushy either way, but I think it’s pretty weird to say at noon “Well I’m meeting my friend at 2 pm, so see you later, bye!” and then walk off and spend two hours by yourself at the same location the date was at.
Shopaholic
I would be vague about when you’re meeting up with your friend. I would just say a bit later or something like that etc. so if it’s terrible, you can leave whenever you’re done.
Anon for this
Thanks for all the sound advice
The original Scarlett
I wouldn’t worry about what you say, if it’s not working, it’s not working. That said, this plan sounds exhausting. Personally, I hated first dates that were set to be longer than an hour/a quick drink/meet/make sure I liked the person in person. A three hour block of time when most dates don’t go well seems long and tiring to me. Could you propose something else?
Anon for this
Does anyone have experience or suggestions of how to separate from your spouse when your spouse doesn’t want to separate? We have 2 children and all the finances are shared. I don’t know how we can afford a 2nd house, I don’t know how I can just take the children without it being very upsetting for them.
My husband is verbally abusive and has limited incidents of physical abuse. The most recent time happened while we were driving back from an out-of-town trip. I tried to report the incident to the police when we got home but even though there were visible injuries, the police said there was nothing they could do because it didn’t happen in their jurisdiction and that I should try to figure out whose jurisdiction the incident occurred in and call that police department.
I feel absolutely powerless and totally exhausted. I’ve tried to talk to him but he refuses to separate. I managed to persuade him to get counseling but I the counselor implied that if I admitted to any serious problems she would report the incident and I could lose custody of our children. And obviously counseling didn’t help at all given the most recent incident.
I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I’ve tried talking to his parents, I’ve tried to get him to go to individual and marital therapy but I realize that I’ve been in exactly the same place for years and he is never going to change.
Anon
You had a terrible counselor – “If you tell me what’s going on, I will take your children away” – obviously no one will tell her the truth in abusive situations.
You need a good lawyer that can give you appropriate legal steps to separating yourself. This varies so much by jurisdiction (ex. can you take the kids without being accused of kidnapping? Maybe maybe not, depends on the jurisdiction). Get a lawyer. Many family law lawyers do free consultations and they can lead with how to get some of that money from your joint finances back so you can pay the attorney to help with further advice.
As a first step, set up your own bank account so the money is ready to move once you get advice.
Anon
Have you consulted a divorce/family law attorney? Your husband doesn’t have to consent to a divorce… I think a lawyer could help you navigate a lot of these issues and answer these questions that you have (don’t work in this area but some of what people have told you doesn’t sound right to me) while making sure that you and your children are protected.
Ellen
Life is to short to deal with a-wipes like him.
D.T.M.F.A. As I always say! If you need to know what that means, here’s a link!
https://www.allacronyms.com/DTMFA
YAY!!!!
Go for it
You prob do not want to hear this…
It’s the job of the parents to protect the kids, from all forms of violence. From what you described this fits the bill. Leave. Home is supposed to be a safe place. Currently, it is not.
The kids will get over the move, or they won’t; however, they will learn that husbands behavior is unacceptable and perhaps not repeat it in any level with their future partners.
Know that the #s will work themselves out. Better to be bankrupt and safe rather than well kept and in an untenable situation.
Call a local woman’s shelter for resources to make the transition. You and yours deserve peace.
Best of luck to you and yours.
Monday
Look up your local domestic violence resource center. Might want to clear your search history after doing it, or do it all from your work computer. They can be a starting point for all your legal and therapy needs, since they’ll know good referrals and understand the bind you’re in. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Of Counsel
GO TALK TO A LAWYER IN YOUR JURISDICTION
Sorry for the all caps, but really and truly that is what you need to do and you need to do it now. Give your self a deadline of 5:00 p.m. tomorrow to have a list of people to call; by 5:00 p.m. on Friday to have called and made an appointment. Make it clear that there are abuse issues and you need to be seen ASAP.
Calico
Yes, do this and also call the DV hotline for further advice about leaving safely. 1-800-799-7233
Anon
Yes, yes, yes. This is an emergency.
I grew up in a home where my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother and me. I still deal with the effects of that. Please talk with a lawyer or domestic abuse shelter ASAP to put this in motion.
Also, I have read that couples counseling is contraindicated in situations of abuse because the abuser will manipulate the counselor or use the sessions as ammunition against the victim.
Thinking of you. You can absolutely do this, and you do not need his consent to divorce.
Anon for This
100% it’s time to go. Your husband is abusive, and whether he is abusive or not, a divorce does not require his consent. Talk to a lawyer, plan ahead, determine who will support you and help you execute your plan, and do it. You deserve better. Also keep in mind that if you want to move outside of your current geographical location, you may have more leverage now than later (after a divorce decree is entered in your current jurisdiction). Good luck.
Vicky Austin
You’re not safe, so you need to leave. It’s as simple as that.
Anon
It’s really not simple, though. “You need to pack up and leave ASAP” is a nice soundbite but it may not be a prudent thing to do (eg, see above about how taking your children when you leave your spouse can be considered kidnapping). She needs an attorney who will assist her in doing this correctly in a way that will best protect herself and her children.
Senior Attorney
Yes. And when it was time for me to leave my marriage, I knew my husband would never move out, so I did. Make a plan, and execute it. Even if you have to move in with your parents for a while or similar. And plus a million to get yourself a war chest.
Hugs to you!
Anon
You’re not going to separate– he doesn’t want to. You’re going to divorce him.
– Get a divorce lawyer.
– Follow her advice on what exactly you need to do before you file for divorce (specifically regarding money and property: example, my friend’s lawyer advised her to take exactly half of their shared account and put it in a separate account before filing, so that husband wouldn’t shut her out of the account once he found out). Also follow her advice on where you and the kids should go (you shouldn’t abandon the home if you want to keep the home, but should you take your kids somewhere else, and are you allowed to do so? Ask her these questions).
– File for divorce.
– Continue to follow your lawyer’s instructions.
– At the end of this process, you will be divorced (husband does not have to consent to anything).
Anon
Lawyer ASAP (and domestic violence shelter/organization to help out if you need it). So sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better and you WILL have a better life on the other side of this. None of it is your fault.
Anon
While the advice to separate your money is good and well-intentioned, I’m going to guess that your husband may monitor your combined finances closely, and it may not be easy to separate your money before leaving. Please be careful, as the time when a woman is trying to leave an abusive situation is when she is in the MOST danger. You may want to go to stores that allow cash withdrawls so that you can take out bits of money at a time without drawing attention. Every time you go to the grocery or the pharmacy take an extra $20-$60 out and toss the receipts. Open a bank account and start depositing the cash. Also, potentially lower your 401k contribution temporarily and have those funds re-diverted into another bank account so you can build your escape fund faster without drawing attention. Just a thought in case you are not just able to move funds around. I grew up in an abusive household and I know my mom could never have just started a separate account without endangering herself unless she was super secretive about it.
Anon
+1000 to all of this. It’s definitely not as simple as “leave ASAP” – that is indeed the time when abusive men become the most angry and violent. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe, but just know that it’s not his choice for you to divorce him. It’s yours.
Anon for this
Thanks, this is what I worry about. My spouse pays all the bills and I don’t even have access to our savings account (it’s online). We don’t have a lot of savings so I am not sure how I can build up funds to leave/rent something, let alone paying for an attorney. If I start moving money around he will know. Diverting my 401k is the best suggestion – I think this is doable.
I appreciate all the good advice and support
Anon
My best to you.
Do you have family or friends who can help out? I would absolutely let someone and her kids stay in the guest room of my 2-bedroom apartment, even if it were a tight squeeze, until she were able to land on her feet. Depending on the state of my bank account and how close we were, I might even lend her money for a retainer.
Law mama
I completely agree on this. My family paid for an attorney for a friend – I wish that friend had asked for the money sooner as it would have made more of a difference for them and we were so glad to be able to help. Also, consider the timing and logistics of when your job can stop direct deposit – perhaps there is a way to time that with paying an attorney.
AnonInfinity
If you’re still reading, OP– I’d loan or give money to a friend in this situation, without hesitation. I hope you have some good support where you are.
Anonymous
I’m rooting for you, OP
Anon for this
Thanks for all the kind words :)