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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. We all know I love a good polka dot accent for work: but is an entire navy suit with polka dots too much? I am still on the fence, but I do think the pieces would look adorable as separates, and — on the right woman, a whole suit would be perfect for the summer. I like the texture to the “silk infused” polyester blend, the crispness of both pieces, and the full lining on the blazer. The jacket (Reiss Kallisti Blazer) is $370 and available in sizes XS-L, and the pants (Reiss Kallisti Trousers) are $210 and available in sizes 2-10. Here are lower-priced options with a more subtle dot pattern: one in regular and petite sizes (jacket, skirt, pants), and one in plus sizes (jacket, skirt). 
(L-5)Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
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Anon
Just want to vent a bit – experiencing a big dose of imposter syndrome today.
I just moved into a solidly management role in my organization, and for the first time I’m not really “doing/building” things (I’m in the tech industry), but instead managing people and projects.
I know rationally that my past experience and industry knowledge are valuable, but I can’t get past the idea that I have to know how to do every single thing that every single people on my team knows how to do, and I have to be actually building things, not just making sure they get built and advising overall strategy, and am just not valuable unless I am doing those things.
UGH.
Anonymous
Commiseration here. I’d say it gets easier, but I still struggle with this 6 years on. I underweight my experience and expertise, and overweight my ability to “do stuff”. It’s become especially pronounced since I have two really competent employees right now, who don’t need much guidance from me.
tesyaa
For me it’s the opposite – having competent employees really frees me up to do what I need to do. I have one terrific person and one person who is more high maintenance, and I really value the great performer because it means less to worry about.
There’s still plenty for me to do.
bridget
Are you able to talk to your former manager(s) about their experiences managing you and other employees? If you hear from people that you respect, as managers, that managers don’t need to know everything, it might help the imposter syndrome.
Anonymous
I’m in management too. As one of my mentors explained, you don’t need to know how to do everything. You need to know how to attract and keep talent and give them the resources and space to do and own their jobs.
Hang in there!
mascot
You don’t need to know it all; you just need to have good people under you. The President has a Cabinet for basically this reason.
Wildkitten
I’ve read some really great books like Becoming the Boss that I have found really helpful.
Michelle Howard
Be careful. Tech traditionally has little respect for women AND managers, and women managers have it even harder. Carve out 1/5 time to work on a “hands on” show project, to keep your rep as a doer. That was if your company implements “holocracy” a la Zappos, you will still have a job.
Otherwise, it’s all politics. Keep the Twitter live, the resume updated, and go on lots of power lunches with competitors. Speak at every conference outside your company you can to keep yourself “recruitable”.
Good luck. Never stop doing.
Anonymous
I am sad and could use some e-hugs. I interviewed for a job that I thought that I really wanted back at the end of March. They told me that they would get back to me on 4/6. after three weeks of not hearing from them I followed up with the recruiter yesterday. I got a phone message from her today saying that they moved forward with other candidates, and left her phone number if I had anymore questions. I usually get rejections by email, so curious, I gave her a call and asked for feedback. She said that the hiring group thought that I asked too many questions and took control of the interview. Upset bc I was a great company, great salary ect. How do I bounce back from this???
Coach Laura
I think it’s great that you were able to get some feedback, which tells me two things: One is that perhaps the company (or that specific team) wouldn’t have been a good fit for you if they think you ask too many questions- perhaps they need a more reserved or undemonstrative employee. Second, now that you have the feedback, you can apply it to future openings. Perhaps you came across as too aggressive because you were excited to be there and really wanted the job. You don’t want to lose the excitement or the “you” that makes you you, but you can gauge the reaction of the next interviewer and fine-tune how you express your excitement if it’s not coming across correctly. You will make a good employee so just focus on that and not the rejection. One step closer to the perfect job. (((hugs)))
kc esq
Maybe it isn’t that great a job if significant hiring criteria seems to be to find someone very compliant such that your engaging in the process was perceived as a fault.
la vie en bleu
Ugh. I don’t have any advice, but that s*cks. Sending lots of ehugs.
2 Cents
Sounds like this company’s hiring team forgot that the interviewing goes both ways. And it sounds like they might not have been as a good a fit as you thought.
anon
Now that I’ve been part of the hiring process a number of times on the employer side, I know I’ll take future rejections so much less personally. There’s such a big random element. Whenever I’ve been on a hiring committee, there have been several well-qualified applicants, and choosing between them has been a bit of a crap shoot. I wouldn’t give too much weight to the “feedback” you received. It sounds like you just didn’t click with one or more of the interviewers in that brief hour-long meeting. Who really knows why? Just keep applying, and eventually things *will* click for you.
BigLaw third year
Following on this morning’s thread… I am a third year BigLaw associate, but I clerked for two years and thus have only been practicing 6 months. I feel a lot of what the first year associate was describing, although not nearly as intensely…no panic attacks, just frustration. But, I also feel heightened scrutiny/pressure because theoretically I ought to know what I am doing a little more than a first year. I feel like everything I’m doing is backwards — I’m constantly being asked to fend for myself on things I have no way of knowing how to do (e.g., put together a chart describing the deficiencies in the other side’s entire discovery production), and constantly being second-guessed on things I could have done competently in high school (e.g., send a client email to a partner first for review, the content of which was already dictated to me and includes essentially “sorry about the technical issues with the files we sent; please find them attached here.”) I have plenty of work, but I feel peripheral to almost every matter I’m on.
Will it get better for me too? Does it just take 12-18 months to ramp up even if you have some legal experience? It’s contributing heavily to my impostor syndrome and I feel like people think, how did THIS person get two clerkships?!
roses
On the part of being asked to do things that you have no way of knowing how to do – I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it’s much, much easier for senior associates and partners to work from any kind of starting point – even if it’s an uninformed one – and revise from there, vs. reviewing all material themselves. Think of your job as being an initial filter for them, rather than creating something perfectly for the first time.
On the client emails, I think it’s partly a liability issue, since they’re ultimately responsible for anything you say externally. The example you provided does sound like they’re being a little too micro-managey, but I don’t think it’s because they actually think you’re incompetent.
mascot
Sometimes it helps to look at the big picture. What’s the cause of action/defense? Why do we need an overview? To see what we have and what is missing for a possible motion to compel. Start with the easy stuff, we asked for the names of 3 positions, you gave us 2. Also, this is time to see if anyone else in the group pointers on how they break down that kind of big task.
Also, you have internal clients (the partners/senior assoc.) and external clients. The internal clients will need to be happy with your communication skills and responsiveness before they will let you go to the external clients. It may seem like a useless scrimmage (and sometimes it is), but there is some value/logic behind it.
Lawyer gal
Honestly, (and don’t take this the wrong way) but you’re not really a third year associate. Working in a law firm is so different than doing a clerkship. And that’s ok. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. You have a different set of skills which will serve you well. It just takes a bit of time to get up to speed with how things work in firms generally, and your firm specifically.
Anonymous
I don’t know a lot of people who came from clerkships but I don’t think anything you do in a clerkship is really applicable to being a BigLaw junior associate, so I can see why you’re struggling. It sounds like people are treating you as a first year, despite your title/salary, which makes sense to me given your lack of experience (frankly, I’ve always sort of wondered why firms give credit for clerkships since the work experience isn’t directly relevant). The email review thing is annoying, but typical. It does get better. Usually, by your second or third year you can send basic emails to clients & opposing counsel without review. Complex, substantive emails will almost always be reviewed by the whole team, even when drafted by partners (at least, that’s the way it is on my cases).
It will get better. The things you’re doing now will become routine, you will get to do new, interesting, more challenging tasks (like writing briefs and taking depositions) and you shouldn’t feel inadequate. People understand that clerkships don’t teach you to do all the menial day-to-day tasks of junior associate life and you have to learn that stuff by doing.
Emily
I didn’t do a clerkship but just changed practice areas, and so I am having to ask first years/second years what to do on things when I am in the situation of being asked to do something I have no idea what they’re looking for. While it’s humbling, I find that it helps because otherwise I’d have to ask the senior/partner, and sometimes it truly could be a matter of clarifying, and at other times, it’s just a matter of not knowing the jargon. If there is someone your year that you can ask these things, that can be helpful as well.
Anonattorney
I’m a midlevel associate and I still get fully vetted by any new partner I work with. They want to see my emails before they go out to make sure I’m using the right tone, want me to show my work, and run strategy past them. They have to do this because they can’t trust the work I’m doing until they see it for themselves. I’ve found that I don’t really get fully integrated into a case until I’ve worked with the partner at least once. Then they will give me cases/projects to run with that I can do on my own with minimal supervision.
The only people I knew who came from clerkships into litigation practice that had any real immediate relevant experience were those in federal district court clerkships. They knew the ins and outs of discovery and procedure, which are very useful when you’re a new associate. If you were a clerk at an appellate court you probably have stellar research and writing skills, which will be very useful when you start writing your own briefs, but a lot of the junior associate work (or at least mine) was related more to procedure or discovery.
Anonymous
Yes, I think it takes about 12 months to figure out how to “fit in” to the law firm work environment, even with a couple years clerkship experience. Part of it is it takes awhile for people to start trusting you enough to hand you more responsibility.
On the point about being asked to do things you don’t know how to do, I think that takes years of experience before that stops. A big part of being a lawyer, in my eyes, is figuring out how to solve problems even if you’ve never seen that problem before. That’s true whether it’s a legal problem or a “we need to draft XYZ” problem. But you shouldn’t feel bad about asking questions so that you can figure it out.
BB
Curious if anyone has lived in an apartment with a “direct access” elevator, i.e., you get in the elevator with a key, it pulls up to your floor and the door opens into your home (no front door)? According to my RE agent, this is seen as a selling point/luxury? Can’t fully explain why but it feels oddly unsafe and weird to me…like somehow it would be easier for a stranger to override the elevator controls instead of pick a lock. I want a front door!
tesyaa
I have never lived in this kind of building. However, I’m not sure how the elevator key is any different than the key to your front door. Presumably, building maintenance has the elevator key, just as a super or landlord would have the apartment key for emergency access.
What happens when the elevator is broken or out of service? How do you get to the apartment?
BB
Oh, there are also stairs going to a “back” door for another point of egress.
Wildkitten
Would you ride the elevator with other people and see into their homes when it stopped on their floor? I agree that would be creepy.
It’s probably only a penthouse feature but someone could get on early and ride with you into your apartment?
BB
That’s a somewhat terrifying downside that I hadn’t even considered yet. Good point! And this was not a penthouse apartment I saw by the way.
la vie en bleu
I did, during college, and it felt safe. The elevators opened facing into a corner sort of, so you couldn’t really see my whole apartment from the elevator. Of course it was a small building and so I knew almost everyone else in it, so that might have been one reason I felt safe. Also, you had to unlock the door downstairs AND have the key to the elevator, so it didn’t feel any less safe than other buildings to me.
The real frustration was that I was on the 6th floor, and whenever the elevator broke, it became a sixth floor walkup, which was really horrible when I rode a bike every day. ;oP but it was university housing, so hopefully your maintenance crew would be better at keeping the elevator functional.
Sydney Bristow
People like Dan Humphry seem to be able to just show up whenever they want to.
Anon
I just laughed out loud at this.
Anne
A lot of people I grew up with had it. It’s awesome. It’s just really comfortable to walk right in. The building should have a security system (e.g. the elevator doesn’t stop on your floor unless you turn a key or press the button from the inside).
Kelly Andthenblog
I have dogs and wonder how often they’d squirm their way into the elevator as I entered/exited, seeing as they do that now into the hallway!
Anonymous
I’ve never had this or known anyone who did, but it definitely seems luxurious/swanky to me. Maybe because typically only penthouses (in both nice hotels & fancy apartment building) have this feature. It doesn’t seem less safe to me – it’s probably more difficult to break into than a lock that can just be picked?
Wildkitten
One of my colleagues had a polka-dot suit and would wear the pieces as separates and it was so stylish.
la vie en bleu
oh god… i want this suit So. Hard. I didn’t even know I wanted a polka dot suit. There’s something about it being blue, too, I think I wouldnt be as interested if it was black.
anonymous
I think the model looks like a starscape, and in that sense I sort of love it, but I think wearing the suit as separates would be better.
anon
hmmmm . . . . to me she looks more like a sofa.
Anon
Laughed out loud at this too :) Lots of entertaining comments on this afternoon post.
Parfait
I saw starscape too. I can imagine wearing the jacket, but not the pants.
All theoretical since Reiss only goes up to a 10.
Working Remote
I relocated to another state for my current job 2 years ago and have been so homesick! I like the job and the company, but not the location. After almost a year of thinking about it (and no jobs coming up in my home state), I finally got up the nerve to ask my boss if I could move back to my home state and work remotely–and he said YES! I am so happy! My job is not one that would typically be done remotely, but I told him I would fully commit myself to making this work. I laid out all the things I would do to make this work, and all the reasons this could work, and then in the end threw in some of the reasons I am not personally happy here in this state. I wish I could hit the road right now and go back, but I guess I should pack up, sell the house, and let the kids finish the school year first!
Must be Tuesday
Congratulations! Good luck with the move!
Sydney Bristow
That is awesome! Well done!
SoCalAtty
That’s amazing, congrats!! I think we’re going to see more of this in the future. Very, very awesome that they are letting you do it!
BB
That’s a somewhat terrifying downside that I hadn’t even considered yet. Good point! And this was not a penthouse apartment I saw by the way.
anonypotamus
Paging Carrie from yesterday’s tote bag thread:
I just saw your question now and wanted to see if I could answer. I would guess that comparably packed, the DD tote is a couple of pounds heavier. I commute mostly by car, so that is not really a problem for work, and it is fine for the several blocks walk to court (where I generally am not lugging my laptop anyway).
I think the OG holds a lot more. When the DD has my laptop, ipad, wallet, phone and waterbottle, there is not a ton of room leftover. I can maybe fit in a big notebook or a few slim files. With the OG, all of that fits, plus a pair of shoes, some extra clothes, etc. I just don’t prefer the OG shape as much for work.
Hope that helps! I don’t mean to go on about the bag, but when I was looking at it, I couldn’t really find any non-sponsored reviews, which made it harder to judge objectively.
Carrie...
Thank you so much for your follow-up! It is helpful. I do prefer the style of the DD to the OG for work, but I am a bit worried about the extra DD weight.
Now I’m wondering about the Graf & Lantz tote, which was recommended by another poster looking for light structure.
ScaredAnon
I’m 2 1/5 mos. pregnant and just got a call from my doctor that my genetic test came back positive for two genes, one associated with a risk for autism and one that can cause deafness. Doctor didn’t seem that worried because my husband would have to have the same ones for it to affect the baby but I’m still so freaked out right now. I’m not sure what my question is but I’m sitting in my office shaking and I was hoping someone would have some words of wisdom to make me feel better. Obviously husband will go get tested.
PS: Sorry to post here but thought the moms s*te looked a bit shut down for the day and the only “current” thread is “on topic only.”
Batgirl
I just want to say that you shouldn’t apologize for posting here. There is no reason why we can have 100 threadjacks about any which thing but that anything pregnancy/parenting related has to go to another site.
I don’t have any direct experience with this, but I would encourage you to trust your doctors and wait to see what happens. I know that’s probably hard–good luck and hugs.
ScaredAnon
Thanks for saying this :-)
tesyaa
I can’t tell for sure from what you wrote, but if both you and your husband would have to be carriers, and if the gene is already pretty rare, you’re probably OK. I know how easy it is to freak out when pregnant, so sending you hugs.
ScaredAnon
Thanks. Yes, it’d have to be both of us. The deafness gene is very rare, the other one I couldn’t quite tell from what the doctor said. I’m sure the hormones aren’t helping things, but it’s all just so scary. I have to keep reminding myself that people have healthy babies every day and there is no reason to panic but it’s just so easy to let your mind run away with it. Thanks for the hugs.
tesyaa
From what I understand, research about genes that cause autism is very limited, and currently, autism cases associated with specific genes are particularly rare. So try to be optimistic, because the odds are on your side.
ScaredAnon
Editing earlier response to say that we’d both have to be positive only for the deafness one. The other – fragile X – seems to be low enough that it’s not a substantial risk now but could be down the line. I’m going to speak to a counselor as soon as I can. Trying to be optimistic but so, so anxious. Really wasn’t expecting this today. Not sure why no one tells you to do these “screens” before you get pregnant if they’re so important.
mascot
Deep breathes. It’s easier said than done, but try to remember that you only have one piece of information at this time. Depending on your husband’s results, a genetic counselor may be helpful in this situation. Your OB should be able to make a referral.
ScaredAnon
Counselor is a good idea, I’m supposed to speak to the testing place but they are not available now. Ugh.
Anonymous
I definitely agree with seeing a genetic counselor, who likely has the most up-to-date information on research, and can take a family history to better evaluate your baby’s specific risk factors based on that information.
anon
Why did you get this type of detailed genetic testing? Were you concerned about a family history of these conditions? Try not to worry until you have your husband’s results and meet with your genetic counselor. I’m sure many of us who’ve had healthy children are also carriers of who knows what.
ScaredAnon
I wasn’t concerned, it seemed like a standard screen at my doctor’s office. No family history of anything like this at all. I honestly expected the result to come back as “you’re fine” – no idea how frequent these kinds of results are.
anon
I’ve never heard of anyone getting this type of screening unless there was a specific concern (e.g. both parents are Ashkenazi Jews w/ family history of genetic conditions prevalent in that population)?? I think your MD has unnecessarily subjected you to a great deal of stress when the likelihood that your baby is impacted is probably tiny.
I agree that this seems like a very odd thing to do after you are already pregnant. If the point is to determine whether you and your husband are certain to conceive a disabled child, you’d want to know this ahead of time. If these tests can only identify probabilities, I think you’d also want to have this information in advance if at all.
Anyway, try not to worry.
anon
You absolutely should schedule an appointment with a genetic counselor who can help you understand your results and put them in the correct perspective. It seems irresponsible for your MD’s office to give you this information cold like this.
InfoGeek
I’m surprised they gave you the screening results without a genetic counselor.
Also, screening one half of the couple for recessive genes seems odd.
Anon in NYC
Hugs. I had a similar situation happen early in my pregnancy coupled with additional meetings with a genetic counselor, etc. It’s definitely scary. I would reframe this in your mind as a period where you’re gathering as much information as possible so that you and your husband can make the best decisions for your family going forward. That’s all it is at this stage.
WestCoast Lawyer
As one of the other posters said, it sounds like the odds are still overwhelmingly on the side of everything being 100% fine. I’ve been in your shoes and I know it’s hard.
Honestly, if it were me I think I would also find some comfort in the fact that even in the worst case scenario you will be OK. Having known several families with deaf or autistic children I can tell you that it is only one part of who they are and they are still very happy children (and families) living full lives. I don’t mean to downplay the difficulties they face, but given some of the other things that can show up in a genetic screening you’ve already ruled out some truly horrific possibilities.
SA-litagor
I had a freak-out a couple of months ago when I got the results back from our genetic test and nobody helped me properly interpret the results and I thought our baby had a 1 in 5 chance of a super horrible condition. All the research I did convinced me that these preliminary tests are very very new, and not really that reliable. Honestly, the best policy is to breathe (easier said than done I know), and just schedule an amnio. That is the only sure fire way to know for sure that everything is ok (or not). Talk to your doctor about the risks, but I understand that they are much much safer now than they used to be and the chances of a miscarriage due to an amnio are in the 1 – 0.X %. The peace of mind though is worth it in my book.
Anonymous
I’m sorry about the results of your test. But I just wanted to add that as someone whose SO is deaf, having a deaf child is far far far from the end of the world. My hearing impaired boyfriend is an engineer who has done great in life generally. He has friends, he plays sports, he has an awesome girlfriend (if I do say so myself), and he’s really a very happy person. I’m very glad he was born, let me tell you!
People are so scared of disabilities. And I’ll admit they can make life more challenging. But please don’t think for a second that if you have an autistic or a deaf child that they will have a terrible life, or that you will have a terrible life. There are some incredible autistic and deaf folks out there, and I promise you will love your child just as much if they are autistic or deaf as you would if they were neurotypical or hearing.
Bethany
THANK you. One of my parents is autistic and the other is deaf, I myself have profound single-sided deafness, and I’m currently four months pregnant, so this issue is a sensitive one for me. A child with autism or deafness requires changes in one’s plans and opening up to a new vision of how life will be, but it isn’t a terrible thing.
Still waiting
Along the lines of this morning’s comment about attending weddings while single… how do I get through attending weddings with my BF when he’s dragging his feet on proposing? I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster – he promises a proposal is coming “soon” and I should start wedding planning, but then nothing happens. I got him to give me a timeline he’s comfortable with, and I told him I will leave at the end of the timeline. It’s cruel to string me along getting my hopes up and I don’t deserve to be treated like that. He’s totally against me proposing, fwiw.
So now I get to attend all these weddings this summer with the drop dead date looming over me. Attending weddings is hard enough as it is, since I don’t know if I will be getting engaged or breaking up in just a couple of months, but it’s even harder to deal with the comments. “You’re next!” or “When are you getting engaged?” or “Where’s the ring????” My responses have gone from a cheerful “Soon I hope!” to “No clue; ask him” depending on my mood. I don’t want to bring down the mood of the wedding, for myself or anyone else, but I really don’t know how I’ll hold it together through this.
Ebro fin
I think you already know the answer to your question. You say “it’s cruel,” and “I don’t deserve to be treated like this.” Why are you waiting for someone who is cruel, and treats you poorly to propose? You won’t enjoy celebrating life events with your friends and family because a “drop dead date” is looming over you? That is so sad.
I’d call it. Tell him that you’ve changed your mind, you don’t want to have a timeline and an ultimatum and need to move on. If he wanted to marry you, he’d have asked. Maybe he’ll be one of those people who suddenly mature and realize what they’ve lost, but equally, he may give a sigh of relief that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy and break up with you. Either way, if what you want is to be married, you’ll be moving towards it instead of waiting on someone else to decide for you.
Wildkitten
I also agree with this. The bf sounds like a jerk.
nutella
Ugh this broke my heart to read it, and I agree with ebro fin.. You should be with someone who can’t wait to be with you and can’t bear to cause you unhappiness, especially at the beginning! Dating should be easy. It’s one thing to find it annoying, but you seem to be genuinely hurt and unhappy with this situation.
OP
I think he just figures we have the rest of our lives together so there’s no rush. I wish I could feel that secure in our relationship, but it’s hard to feel secure when the person you love tells you, no I don’t want to take the plunge quite yet.
I mentioned recently, do you know how hard it will be for me to sit through all of these weddings and wedding events and have to be happy for people when I’m dying inside that we’re not engaged yet? He said it didn’t occur to him that I might feel that way.
Anon in NYC
My husband was ready to get married a few years before I was. I simply wasn’t ready. When I was finally ready to get married it still took about a year for him to propose because he wanted to save a certain amount for a ring and he didn’t want me to propose. It was really hard to wait that year because he wasn’t giving me a play-by-play of all of the things he was doing behind the scenes, and I will admit to picking a few fights with him because I couldn’t understand why he was taking so long.
Similarly, a friend who is now happily married told me about two months before she got engaged that she was considering ending her relationship because her now-husband wasn’t serious about them moving forward. Turns out he was meeting with jewelers in secret.
I’m not saying that this is what your boyfriend is doing, but maybe he’s not just being complacent about your relationship.
Wildkitten
This sounds really painful. How long have you been dating? How old are you?
I feel the way your bf does but if it mattered that much to my SO I’d compromise and get hitched sooner rather than have him be in so much pain just because I’m in no hurry.
OP
Together 1.5 years, living together almost 1 year. Both early to mid 30s. I told him I didn’t want to live with someone without being engaged in the very very near future. He promised we would be. I shouldn’t have let him move in without a ring.
Part of what’s motivating my “rush” is that he wants to combine finances, buy a much bigger house together and save for children. So he’s talking about doing all these marriage-y things but then balks at getting engaged and it’s driving me mental.
Wildkitten
That would drive me mental too. You definitely need to have a frank conversation with this dude.
Snickety
Engagement at 1.5 years into the relationship seems really fast to me! People do have different time frames for making major life decisions. Putting pressure on him or sharing your feelings (impatience, disappointment in him, etc) is not going to improve the situation. Can you relax a bit, tell him you trust him, and ask him to help you brainstorm a snappy one-liner for the weddings?
Killer Kitten Heels
If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, what about marriage is going to change that? I am married, but we married AFTER we were both secure enough in the relationship to know that we were in it for the long haul, with or without marriage. My concern for you is that you’re feeling insecure in your relationship, and you’re blaming that insecurity on the lack of proposal when you should be looking at what about the relationship itself is making you feel so insecure that you feel like you need the proposal to “secure” it.
Wildkitten
Ugh. I am purposely unmarried and I also hate those comments. How long of a timeline did you give the BF? I like to treat weddings like real-life pinterest where you can see what wedding concepts you might like no matter who you end up marrying, and also there is a party with an open bar.
OP
Point of clarification – I didn’t give him a timeline. I asked for a timeline and he gave me one. It’s up at the end of the summer. So I basically get to wait to see if he was serious or just kicking the can down the road. But at least I’m not waiting indefinitely.
Parfait
Did you tell him you’re going to leave if he doesn’t meet his own timeline? Since it “didn’t occur to him” that you’re feeling gutted about attending weddings, I wonder if you’ve actually had a conversation that conveys the seriousness of your feelings.
I ask because in a previous relationship, I used to minimize my level of upset about things, because the more upset I was about something, the harder he would dig in his heels and resist. Then of course I’d say “please don’t do X” in a very offhand, almost joking way, and he’d do X, and then I’d get upset, and he would be all “What? It didn’t sound like you really meant it.”
Be straight with him if you haven’t already. Don’t make him guess about how intensely you feel about this.
SA-litagor
Agree. Start practicing good communication skills now. Men are really bad at mind reading. Even telling them exactly what you want in plain English will sometimes not sink in, but all we can do is try.
OP
Yes. When he gave the timeline I said almost verbatim, “OK I expect you to keep this promise to me. And I expect you not to keep me in suspense by putting it off until the very last possible moment. To that end, our relationship is officially over on the last day of timeline. Understood?” I’m not one for beating around the bush.
Mpls
Can you give your friends/family a heads up before the wedding season (assuming you know who the likely question asker will be) to ix-nay on the proposal talk?
Or do a pre-emptive conversation strike and pick a topic first to steer away from the one you don’t want to talk about.
Or answer honestly with a “Don’t know, don’t want to talk about. Aren’t the flowers here lovely?” Anyone who pushes after that deserves the downer they get.
NYNY
Agree with Ebro fin & Wildkitten. Also, do you have to go to the weddings? If it’s painful for you to attend, you can almost always opt out. Not if it’s your sibling or bestie, but most weddings are really non-mandatory. Decline the invitations, send a nice card and gift, and call it a day.
OP
Thanks. I’ve definitely bowed out of some wedding-related events because I just can’t. But I do want to be there for my friends. I AM happy for them. I feel guilty for being so selfish.
Wildkitten
Oh gurl. You do you. Take care of yourself. Get what you need. Feel how you feel. You might benefit from some therapy so you can make sure you are doing what you need to do to get your needs met.
Now Engaged But Waited...
I was ready to get engaged a full year before my now-fiance was. We communicated pretty openly about it and were in a similar situation – he gave me a “timeline/deadline” of when we would be engaged, and he followed it to a T (he was actually on the earlier end of things, now that I think about it).
That being said? The “waiting” year was tough on me emotionally. Fortunately, my best friend was in the exact same situation, so I had someone to commiserate with, but it was HARD. I was pretty confident that my boyfriend was going to be true to his word and propose, but there was always a nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t do it and that was really challenging to deal with. The questioning from friends and family about our future plans was annoying, but I tried to remember that most people meant well and weren’t trying to trigger some massive internal struggle in our relationship. Weddings were tough, but I love any excuse to dress up, dance with my friends, and enjoy an open bar, so once I started looking at them as very expensive parties, it helped. :)
Also, once he proposed, I forgot all about the bitterness and doubt that plagued that “waiting” year of our relationship. I was concerned about whether I’d be able to get over the anxiety that maybe he didn’t love me enough to get married, but it totally went away and we’re very happy together. It’s a rough time to navigate in a relationship, but you can get through it and come out the better for it.
I also went to therapy on and off throughout that year (my FI knew about it and I think he actually appreciated that I was trying to deal with my feelings in a healthy way). It was very helpful in managing the anxiety around the “will he/won’t he” debate going on in my head, and it also helped me realize that getting engaged/married isn’t a cure-all for anything. Women are taught that marriage is the ultimate accomplishment, but it’s not a guarantee that the rest of your life is going to be perfect, nor is it going to magically take away all of your insecurities/validate you.
Lastly, there’s a book called “His Cold Feet” that I’d recommend (terrible, but great book for this situation). I read it on my Kindle during that year so my now-FI couldn’t see the title, and it was actually pretty helpful.
OP
Thank you. I think I’ll take a look at that book. I read all of my books on my Kindle, but does it make me horrible that I kind of want to buy the book so he will read the title….
Now Engaged But Waited...
You’re welcome! I definitely feel for you and I hope it turns out however you want it to.
Also, I may or may not have “accidentally” left magazines open to engagement ring ads once or twice…nobody’s perfect.
Fishie
I was you. I had been living with my BF for 3 years, watching everyone around me get engaged, having moved in under the auspices of “we’re not moving in unless we’re thinking long term/marriage” etc. I bugged him about it TO DEATH. We’ve been married almost 10 years now. In retrospect, I wish I had chilled out – we both knew we were going to get engaged, so I should have relaxed a little. Granted, I was 32 by the time we got married – would have liked that to be a little earlier, but in the long(ish) run, I don’t think it made much of a difference.
Take note though, my husband is a horrible, terrible foot dragger about everything. Ev.Ry.Thing. So if you’re not up for foot dragging on everything else, cut your losses and run.
Bethany
This is such a load of crap. He doesn’t want you to propose, but he’s putting off doing it? Basically, “I won’t let you solve the problem, and I won’t solve it either.” At minimum he is showing a lack of empathy and consideration. I’d dump him.
anon juror...maybe
Can’t think of anywhere better qualified to ask this! I’ve been summoned as a juror for a four-week trial. I won’t find out if I’ve been selected/actually need to show up until the night before it (which is a Sunday). 1) How am I supposed to make a plan for covering my responsibilities at work if I won’t know whether or not I’m actually going to be out until the Sunday before? This also falls during a very busy time of the year for my position specifically, so I would need to do a lot of training with the people who would be covering for me. And 2) What are my employer’s obligations in terms of my pay? All I can find is that they’re required to pay me my salary for five days, but no information for a trial that lasts longer than that. Is there some sort of standard? HR is totally clueless, has never dealt with someone getting jury duty for longer than a week, and none of the people who would be able to make a decision are in the office for the next week. I’m worried about missing out on almost a month of pay (I think I get at per diem rate from the court but it’s not comparable to my actual salary).
Help. I know literally no one who’s ever had jury duty for more than a day.
tesyaa
First of all, you may not even need to show up, depending on how far down you are on the list. Second, I don’t know what the odds are of being chosen, but there is usually a very large pool and only 12-18 are chosen. Finally, the judge will often ask if a 4-week trial is a hardship. You can say yes (doesn’t mean you’re automatically dismissed, but they’ll take it into consideration). Don’t know the rules about getting paid, but everywhere I’ve worked people are paid in full when on jury duty (as I was when on a 2-week trial in 1992).
Diana Barry
It depends on the state – they probably have a website where they explain the state’s law and what the jury duty pay will be. In MA, I think your employer pays for 3 or 4 days and then the state pays you a per diem for the remainder of your service if you are on a long trial.
Former "juror"
I just went through this, it’s so confusing! Here’s how it went down for me (in Boston) – you are on-call for 4 weeks, but that isn’t necessarily the length of the trial. You can call the Friday before you are scheduled to start to see if you are needed the following Monday. If not, you call the following Friday, etc., for the length of your on-call period. Once you are called, you’re done and are no longer “on-call” for the rest of the 4-weeks even you are aren’t assigned to a jury. I wasn’t needed for week one, but got called for week 2. Ultimately, I wasn’t assigned to a jury and it was a one-day-only type of thing. I was done by noon. While I was there, they explained that there is no law or set standard as far as being paid by your employer while on a federal jury. They don’t have to pay you, but are strongly encouraged to at least make up the difference between your per diem and your salary. Per diem here was $40+milage+parking. As far as figuring out work, I just kept my boss in the loop at all times about whether or not I would be in, planned ahead to do some work from home if necessary, and had a coworker ready (and willing) to take over some office-only tasks if needed. Good luck!
Anonymous
If this is a busy time of year for you, I would consider defering your jury date as most states will let you defer for 3-6 months. I would check out the court’s jury service webpage. If you can’t defer, you unfortunatelly have to plan is if you will be going in. Maybe this is a good time to train a general backup person for you, for sick days, vacations, ect.
With regards to pay, your job is not required to pay you in most states. Many do as a matter of course, even if not required.
anon juror...maybe
Thanks ladies. I’m just so frustrated because it seems like it’s impossible for me to actually get any concrete information anywhere. The website for my district court in VA is completely unhelpful. And the people in charge of organization I work for are a bunch of assholes so I have sincere doubts that they’ll pay me unless they’re legally required to. I hate that I feel like I’m throwing a snit fit over money when being a juror is an essential part of the U.S. democratic process, but four weeks?? And it really seems like I’d have to serve the whole time because I was summoned for a specific trial, not as part of a pool. Hopefully this will all be nothing.
Coach Laura
I had a coworker who was on a 2-month trial and she did what I’d have to do if I was on a four-week trial: Come in and work 7-9 and then work from 4-6 and some on nights/weekends in addition to the trial. No way could I be gone for four weeks without causing a major disaster. I would prepare like I’m on vacation – use an Out Of Office email and voicemail greeting, prepare an “active matters” memo detailing what tasks are open, what needs doing when and status of all projects and update that as needed. Then monitor emails on a laptop, iPad or cell phone from the jury room.
Lawyers here probably know more than I do but when I’ve had jury duty, I’ve had a schedule like this (after the trial starts, not during selection): Arrive at 9:45 for 10:00 start, 1.5-2 hour lunch at 12 returning at 1:30 and go until 4:00. Sometimes judges have other obligations or declare a recess and you get out at noon or may not have court on Friday. Judges and attorneys have closed door meetings and you are sitting around with extra time and nothing to do.
If you are going to do all that work, I’d make the case that you deserve full salary. All this assumes that you’re a salaried not hourly employee. Also assumes that the courthouse is close enough to your office as mine is, but if that’s not true that is another complication.
Edited to add: If it really is your busy season, ask for a deferral. Some areas require a note from your manager.
Anon
Is this a state trial? Because if so, you’ve almost definitely been summoned by circuit, not district. Also, http://www.courts.state.va.us/courts/circuit/jury.pdf
anon juror...maybe
Late response but nope, it’s district. They appear to have nothing even slightly as helpful as that PDF.
NycAnon
Anyone have the J. Crew v-neck linen tee? How’s the quality and fit? How do they compare to the Gap version?
Anonymous
I have two, and I love them, except that one got a little hole pretty early on. They fit really cute, a little slouchy in a casual-cool way. You have to be really careful about washing them.
what is up with the new mobile site?
It’s not working well at all to see comments. Am using an Android phone.
anonymous
Ya, did I miss the thread where the new mobile was discussed? Mine is kind of awful! Maybe I’ll get used to it but it’s hard to scroll and the collapse replies is gone.