Suit of the Week: Tom Ford

111 Comments

1. Hi – looking for commiseration or good feelings. Ex-husband turned out not to be a great guy, true narcissist, emotional abuser, you name it. However, he just called to let me know he proposed to his girlfriend (who he secretly was seeing behind my back for years while we were together). We have children together and they were just introduced to her a couple months ago so seems very sudden for them. I don’t want him at all but still feels very odd.

   1. What an a-hole!!! I’m so sorry he’s putting you and your kids through this. I’m sure brighter times are ahead for you, but i don’t want to minimize how much this sucks because it does.

   2. Well, if you want to be positive, at least he called you to let you know. As a child custody attorney, I get a lot of people who find out these things from the kids. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel about this! Even if you don’t want him at all, you probably at some point wanted the “idea” of him. It’s okay to feel odd about that because it does suck!

      1. Oh yeah, in my extended family there were young kids who came home from a weekend with their dad and mentioned to their mom they had gone to a wedding that weekend. Yep, it was dad’s. Surprise!

         1. My ex BIL got married and her kids came, not his. I’m not sure he even invited his. They may not have wanted to go but it was a destination wedding and these kids had never seen the ocean before. They still haven’t.

            1. This happened to me as a kid. Father did not invite me but her kid was there. Specifically, he chose the wedding date because my mother asked him to bring us home a day earlier than usual for an event. He told us on Friday about the Sunday wedding a couple blocks from our mother’s house. Handy since he’d be dropping us off that morning. Apparently I called my mother and asked to be picked up immediately but I lost that battle. He did not change course. Relationship with him was very downhill from that day.

   3. They say that when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.

      Your kids will understand some day. It feels odd because emotionally healthy people don’t behave that way.

      1. +1
         I feel like people forget that someday the kids figure out who the bad guy was. It’s him.

         Ive told this story before but my husband’s stepdad left his wife and kids for my husband’s mom. Bless that woman, she met my husband a handful of times and was nothing but nice and made sure her kids didn’t hate my husband and his sister. She’s the good guy. Forever and ever and even my husband knows that. Lived-and still lives- a great life after he left her too. Mil is stuck with a very sick and angry old man. You’ll be great too op. Hugs.

   4. For some perspective (whatever it is worth) – I am the second wife. All three adults in this story are the same age. When we met, my now-DH had kids 10 and 15. I met them after we realized things were serious and before it would be a real problem if the kids hated me. He told his XW first. For us, this was about 5 months in. We maintained separate households until we got engaged three years later (we moved during the summer, which coincided with both kids’ normal progression from one school (think middle) to another (think high)). We held the wedding seven years later.

      We had many serious discussions about pacing and transparency, and this was where we landed and what we thought was being responsible.

      So much of this is outside any one person’s control. We tried to be upfront, transparent and sensitive to timing. (Oh, I should mention that XW had insisted on the divorce and left the family home.) We also dealt with a lot of what I have come to believe is the chaos that can be caused by untreated illness: yelling, threatening to withhold visitation, refusing to return kids on schedule and whatever was said to the kids to make them tell me, “You’re not part of my family.”

      I guess my bottom line is that you have a unique opportunity to be the steadfast person on whom your kids can rely, and they will thank you for it (one day).

      1. I don’t know the facts here, and it does sound like XW was inappropriate, but I can assure you no one needs to groom a kid to reject a stepparent as a true part of the family. I figured that line out all on my own with parents who were not badmouthing each other or the new spouses and a stepfather who was genuinely on my side. I of course came to regret it over time and have a loving relationship with him now. Just to perhaps give you some perspective.

      2. Yikes, that sounds stressful. Hopefully you aren’t still dealing with the chaos now.

2. oh i really like this actually

   1. Use case? Trying to figure one out.

      1. Helming my submarine.

      2. New Year’s Eve party!

      3. Female Bond villain?

         1. The photo definitely evokes Goldfinger – it looks like she’s even wearing gold makeup.

      4. These are all excellent use cases and I am fully on board.

      5. i’d wear the blazer with all black, with dark jeans, maybe with a ballgown skirt if i wanted to be fancy

         1. Anonymous @ 4:22pm – you are really good at this!!

      6. Rock Star signing contract.

   2. I both love and hate this haha

   3. I feel like an eye patch would really complete the look.

   4. I kind of love it, too. Also fun fact: Tom Ford’s mom used to be in my book club and she is lovely.

3. i came up with an interesting (to me) idea of picking a subject to learn more about and then reading books and podcasts on that topic for the year. does anyone know if there’s a way to search something like college class syllabuses? for some reason i’m thinking my first topic will be city growth/rebirth/change.

   1. There are lots of free classes on Coursera. I’m taking a Greek and Roman mythology course.

   2. I would look for a MOOC on the relevant subject. Search FutureLearn. Ezra Klein always asks guests for 3 books they’d recommend and I bet he’s had an urban planner on.

   3. Why not go to a good physical bookstore and browse the relevant shelf? And then maybe ask the staff what they recommend? For example, if I were still in DC I would go to Politics and Prose and see what they have on this and then head over to Second Story Books to see what older books are also the topic.

   4. Sounds like a perfect topic for geeking out over Haussmann’s Paris. I bet there are some good books on this.

   5. A little off topic but the podcast 99 percent invisible is reading “the power broker” and discussing it in chunks. I’ve never read it despite my entire world being shaped by Robert Moses. You might want to join in if you’re interested in urban and suburban infrastructure and planning or in New York.

   6. Yes tons of syllabi are on line – I’d look at intro to urban studies courses (just google that term and syllabus or pick your fave college and check their website).

   7. Look for Jane Jacobs, she’s the classic starting point on this! And search for her name + syllabus and you’ll find a ton

      1. +1

   8. usually if you google “Intro to X syllabus” you’ll find a lot of college syllabi free online…academics love to post these things on their personal websites, etc. There are also disciplinary databases — in Religion, for example, check out the Wabash Center syllabus project. Personally, I’d avoid MOOCs/their reading lists as a bit too bland.

   9. Google “urban planning” and “syllabus” and the names of good colleges/universities. You will find syllabi online.

   10. I’ve been doing this for decades and much prefer to search for info on the subject directly instead of looking for a syllabus or textbook. Not only do I find more information as a whole, I find a broader range and more depth in the information because I am not just looking at what the syllabus and textbook writers feel is relavent. That’s fine when taking a course, but when it’s interest-led I prefer to follow my interests.

4. does anyone here have gallbladder problems? i’ve got testing coming up but a lot of things are clicking into place that recent stomach problems may be gallbladder. apparently being a fertile woman in your 40s is a risk factor?

   1. My primary care doctor had me go on a low fat diet to optimize my cholesterol levels. I got some symptoms that my gastroenterologist said might be gallbladder. She said to eat the way I was eating before again and make any needed changes more gradually, and if that wasn’t enough, to go get a scan.

      Thankfully I’ve been fine since going back to my normal diet, but I was also surprised by the “fertile in your 40s” risk factor thing (I have not been in my 40s for all that long, but I have already had a number of “welcome to your 40s” medical, dental, and cosmetic things arise, sigh!).

      1. Oh no — what happens next?!

      2. In medical school we learn the four F’s of gall bladder disease patients: fertile, fat, female, and forty

   2. I had my gallbladder removed. Wish I had done it sooner, instead of all the diet changes and meds. The surgery was simple and I mostly forget it even happened.

      1. Not me, but a good friend had gallbladder removal surgery in college and similarly felt it was not a big deal.

   3. As someone who had gallbadder stones so early in life that nobody thought to test for that until I was in excruciating pain, I’m guessing checking that may be part of the testing. I had grandparents with gallbladder stones on both sides of the family. On one side, they managed it with permanent diet changes and lived with it for decades. On the other side, they got surgery, and highly recommended that to me when my turn came at 20. I got the surgery and never looked back. Good luck, whatever your tests find!

   4. I have some gallstones and have experienced a few attacks, which are shockingly painful. I kept a diary of the problems once I knew what I was dealing with and learned that my issues arise when I eat after not eating all day. So I’m now more mindful about eating more regularly, even if I’m busy or stressed and not hungry. And yes, they started when I was in my 40s and still fertile.

   5. Gallbladers often come out when women hit forty. The acronym doctors use (pardon me–it’s not my acronym) is 3F–forty, female, f*t. Again, sorry–it’s often overweight women who need it out.

      I have not heard the fertile part from doctors.

      1. (OP here) yes – i saw some stuff last night that said the 5 fs – fat, female, fertile, forty, and fair (i’m the first 4)
         and another that added an F for flatulence (which i don’t think i’m unusual in)

         1. Fertile and forty is weird terminology. How do you even know you’re fertile unless you’ve literally gotten pregnant? Most women in their forties haven’t actually hit menopause yet, so they’re technically still fertile, though not likely to have a successful pregnancy as they move later into their mid to late forties. The fertile part just doesn’t seem to add much.

            1. Just adding, I know there’s additional fertility testing you can do in the context of trying to get pregnant, but in the context of gallbladder problems, I don’t think you’d bother with any of that!

            2. Yeah I was confused by that too. Menopause before 40 is unusual but most women don’t have proof they’re fertile unless they recently conceived a child.

            3. I’m sure it’s just a shortcut for pre-menopausal. Not literally fertile. Just another way to abbreviate it with an F for mnemonic purposes.

            4. Fertile as in still ovulating? So the potential for pregnancy.

            5. That’s what I mean. If fertile just refers to pre-menopausal, forty and pre-menopausal is redundant. The vast majority of women are pre-menopausal until their late 40s or early 50s.

            6. Here it means you have had a child. Not the best word, but it goes with the F theme.

            7. Ha, I just googled that too and was going to post. That makes way more sense.

5. Not sure if I need advice or commiseration or just venting, but partner and I are having a rough go of it lately and it just feels awful. 7 years together and not looking to break up, but he seems depressed (not diagnosed, but we agree) and quick to anger and just not be…joyful? about our time together. He is doing a moderately good job doing the things you should when you have depression, but doesn’t want to talk about it or my feelings and etc.

   I feel pretty rejected in all this, and doing my own stuff, making new friends, etc. doesn’t help much. We’ve gone through this before and I know it gets better on the other side, but right now it feels endless, and all I want is a good hug and for him to want to plan something nice for us. For others who are with partners who go through periods of depression, what is your coping mechanism?

   1. If he agrees, why isn’t he in any kind of treatment? (I’m assuming if he’s not even diagnosed that he’s also treated in any way?) Depression can be a symptom of medical issues that need to be checked out. It also constitutes a medical issue in own right that can get worse if it’s neglected.

      It can be a symptom of depression to find the help seeking process an insurmountable challenge, so the person who is depressed can need help accessing care. But it’s not a DIY kind of issue to have.

      1. Do doctors just see “man” and give up all home that they will act rationally? I can think of only one man I know who is somewhat rational (and even then, it took 20 years to get hearing aids) about anything more than getting routine dental cleanings.

         1. Ugh, my spouse is very happy to get medication from his doctor for practically anything, but doesn’t want to treat anything that requires more than a pill (doesn’t want to use a CPAP he needs, for example). It’s infuriating.

      2. Good Q about accessing care. Unless things got really bad, he doesn’t want to take medication to manage his depression, based on his review of the available studies. He always feels this way, not just when depressed. I am sympathetic to this position (don’t want to start a debate), but feel that the other stuff – consistent gym, eating well, decreasing drinking, sleeping, etc. etc. becomes non negotiable during depressive episodes, and if you feel so lousy that you can’t keep that up then medication must be back on the table.

         1. If he isn’t willing to take medication, is he open to talk therapy, CBT, etc? Would any of that help?

            My one plug for medication for depression: it reduces the likelihood of future depressive episodes.

         2. Taking medicine is non-negotiable too, if his depression is impacting his ability to be a good partner.

            If you don’t have kids with this man, I would cut your losses and move on. It’s only going to get worse, not better.

         3. What about therapy?

         4. Start with a Happy Light.

            10,000 lux
            20-60 min each morning. All at once or intermittently.

            The one from Costco looks like an iPad. Easy to plug in at your desk at work or have on your table/chairside.

            Maybe Seasonal affective disorder is making it worse now. AM sunlight either by getting outside as soon as you can in early AM for a short walk/exposure or using the happy light is good.

            Then keep talking about it. Tell him it is starting to affect you, and make you feel worse to see him this way. And he/we need to do more….

            1. Seasonal affective disorder often manifests as being better in the morning and worse in the evening, if that matches his symptoms. (#not a doctor but have been told)

   2. Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield is excellent. I wish I had read it sooner. It’s about depression and it’s impact on romantic partnerships.

      Your main goal needs to be persuading him to get treatment. He can get meds from his primary care doctor to start the process, and he probably needs a therapist. Pretty much everyone I know with psychiatric issues is resistant to the idea of meds, but it is often the first step to improvement.

      You should also have your own trusted friend, therapist, or support group to talk freely about the impact this has on you. NAMI has family support groups online and in person.

      Managing depression with exercise, sleep, healthy food, etc is fine, but if he is in an episode you need to treat it like a medical problem too. He probably can’t manage to do any of those things on his own.

   3. The answer isn’t coping mechanisms for you.

      I feel like I say this often around here, but it’s true, at least to me. We use the word “depression” to describe two very different things. There is the medical condition where your brain isn’t producing the right chemicals and you need to supplement those chemicals for your brain to return to balance*. There is also a low mood brought on by circumstances or negative thoughts. My brain chemistry is very imbalanced and I’m currently taking a cocktail of three antidepressants to get through winter (I only need one in the summer). I could sit in talk therapy or CBT for 1000 hours and it wouldn’t have any impact on the fact that my brain doesn’t have enough of the chemicals it needs for it to operate appropriately. Think of it like a vitamin deficiency, akin to scurvy. Therapy is great when there’s a problem that can be fixed – like retraining your brain how to think about that awful breakup or getting fired – but you can’t cure scurvy by talking about how uncomfortable it is.

      So, is your husband’s depression chemical or situational? If situational, get him to therapy by whatever means necessary – make the appointment and drive him. If chemical, it’s time for a conversation. See if the vitamin analogy resonates with him. Tell him that his low mood is affecting you, too, that all the eating right/sun lamp/exercising isn’t working, and that you’re asking him to do something about it for you, for the good of you as a couple. Also tell him that he’s free to stop taking the meds at any time – he doesn’t have to be on them forever! – but ask him to give them at least a two week trial to see if he feels any difference. I suspect he will be so changed that he won’t want to go back. Tell him you’d like him to get the next available appointment to talk with his PCP, and ask if he’d like you to make it for him. (1, To-do tasks can be brutal with depression, and 2) a deadline can help.)

      If he still refuses to take action, then there’s another issue: the whiny man-baby who’s not a good partner and refuses to take care of his health. Then you get to decide if the good times are good enough to balance out all the bad times, knowing that there’s a readily accessible medical treatment that he refuses to even try. I couldn’t stay with a partner like that, but YMMV. (Note: if you think he would be more receptive to a “no, for real, you need to address this and it’s a big deal” discussion about medication when he’s well and not when he’s doing poorly, do it then.)

      *Ok, and yes, scientists don’t actually know why antidepressants work, but they do for a majority of patients. We think it’s “brain chemistry,” but it may not be, but let’s just go with that for this post.

      1. +1 so, so much. Great reply!

      2. +1

   4. I just want to tell you with a virtual hug that it is ok to want the things you want. Your wishes are not unreasonable, you are not expecting too much. Your husband should want to be this person for you.

      1. I know this is meant for the original poster, but I needed to hear this. Thank you for saying this.

   5. My coping mechanism was hoping it would get better, spoiler alters it didn’t and I eventually broke up with him. Wish I hadn’t wasted so much time. Ended up married to a wonderful man so it worked out. I’d stop throwing good time after bad. It won’t improve and ultimately do you want to spend your life also being miserable?

6. Man, I wish I had had some popcorn for this morning’s fireworks.

   1. Do you think the people who don’t care about inviting family/honoring their parents’ wishes are the same ones who complain the grandparents don’t help out enough?

      1. Idk what is so hard to understand. I love and honor and value my parents. I do not know or care about their siblings. And thankfully my parents get that and aren’t pushy.

         1. But in the original post, the groom’s mom wanted her siblings invited, which is different than no one caring. And someone made the great point that those aunts and uncles may place a big role in the parents’ lives, especially as they age, providing a support to the whole family. Even if it doesn’t seem necessary to the couple right now…life is long.

            1. Yes. This.

               And siblings are the only people who “know you” from your early childhood days until late in life, if you are lucky to get along with them. They are truly unique among all relationships you have.

               So despite the challenges/disappointments I have had with my siblings, I work hard in trying to move past them and accept them for who they are.

         2. Even if I had aunts and uncles I wasn’t close to, I have a baseline level of caring about them bc my mom cares about them.

            If you really do value your parents, don’t you value their wishes and care about their relatives?

            1. This.

            2. It sounds like you have a fully functional family. Lucky you.

      2. In my experience with my cousins, yes. Many don’t care about extended family things at all, until they need something and then they expect the family to bend over backwards.

      3. Lol hope you didn’t strain a muscle with that reach.

         1. Lol it was mostly a joke. With the core truth that if you treat family as expendable (and valuable only insofar as how the relationship serves you), it comes back to bite you

            1. I agree with your core truth.

      4. In my experience, the types who complain about grandparents not helping enough are often the ones who invited 80 family members and 20 friends to their wedding. They expected different and were taught that family is more important than anything else. They didn’t know it was a one way street.

         Ask me how I know.

   2. But would you share your popcorn with all aunts and uncles equally, or would some get their own bowl and others would get hosed?

   3. I always feel when people make this kind of comment, they’re just making a clumsy attempt to re-ignite the debate from the morning in the afternoon thread. Was that your intention here? If so – is work that slow for you right now, or what?

      1. Some people are just that crappy.

   4. Hmm I thought it was more or less respectful. It’s a tough situation. There isn’t one right way to do it.

      1. Yeah compared to other wedding threads, there was not that much drama. Weddings always bring out strong opinions.

   5. I thought it was very tame for a thread with 100+ comments! No fireworks IMO.

      1. +1. I collapsed it the first time and went back again and it’s a nothingburger.

7. Book recommendations please! I’m looking for a quick read that’s somewhat literary/well-written and, as someone in the beginning stages of divorce, has nothing to do with love or romance.

   I just finished Eileen by Ottessa Moshfegh and loved it. Currently reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and loving that too.

   1. Foster by Claire Keegan – novella length and beautiful.

      1. Also Small Things Like These by the same author. Soon to be a movie starring Cillian Murphy.

      2. Ah yes I did read Foster and adored it

   2. Passing by Nella Larsen. She was part of the Harlem Renaissance and manages to fit some truly stunning insights in her two very efficient novellas.

   3. Look to memoirs – Educated by Tara Westover, Maid by Stephanie Land.

      1. Contrary opinion – I seriously disliked Educated. Hard to put my finger on why but it really seemed to romanticize her terrible upbringing and I just found it set my teeth on edge. Would NOT recommend.

         1. I really disliked it too. The Glass Castle has a similar theme and I enjoyed that one much more.

   4. I’m having a hard time thinking of fiction that doesn’t have any element of romance except mystery/thrillers, but some non-fiction reads I enjoyed from this year:
      The Exceptions: Nancy Hopkins, MIT, and the Fight for Women in Science
      American Prometheus (the book that the movie Oppenheimer was based on)
      Watergate: A New History
      The Gatekeepers: How the White House Chiefs of Staff Define Every Presidency
      Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland
      Black Edge: Inside Information, Dirty Money, and the Quest to Bring Down the Most Wanted Man on Wall Street

   5. Also, “Ducks” from the Canada Reads 2023 long list is a super quick read! That whole list has a bunch of great books.

   6. In your position years ago, I read a lot of biographies/autobiographies. One that still stands out was Madeleine Albright’s “Madam Secretary.”

8. Cardigans — we are wearing them as a sole garment, barely buttoned (per all the ads I’m getting)? Is no one in fashion cold in the winter?!

   1. I’m seeing them worn buttoned up like a top. It’s as warm as a cardi open or half buttoned with a shell under. I tend to wear another sweater over my shoulders if I’m still chilly but I imagine the desk cardigan is still popular with this crowd.

   2. as a party look, I’ll take “semi-buttoned cardigan with silky midi skirt” over “skin tight minidress” any day, and be vastly warmer to boot.

   3. Winter only exists when they are selling outerwear and cold-weather gear.

   4. I think wearing them as the sole garment on top (buttoned up) is fine. It’s really no different from a regular sweater, it just has buttons.

   5. I just can’t because they all seem to be mohair and my skin hates touching that. And nothing else has a cute vibe — they are just utility cardigans.

9. I wonder if all of the comic book villians spend $6K on their outfits?

   1. Yes.

   2. they obviously steal their stuff

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