Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Suni Dress

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1. My husband and I are looking for childcare support and household support. We have a three-year-old daughter, and our second child is due in June. We are looking at having a third child in the future (likely via surrogacy). My husband and I both work full-time jobs with no intent of changing that. I am an attorney at a mid-sized regional firm and likely to become a shareholder in the next 1-2 years. I have become the main attorney in my two inter-connected practice groups and have been actively engaged in the management of those practice groups, as well as my client work. I have been actively expanding my community network in this area, and I have a lot of potential to grow the practice at my firm. My husband owns his own construction company that is very likely to grow but requires his time to do so. Both of us are active in our church and in the community and intend to maintain this. We want to maximize the quality time we spend with our children and at their future activities, as well as be able to continue the jobs we have and grow them. The problem is that we don’t have much in the way of childcare and household support. We don’t have much family, nor do we want to use family for consistent childcare (a night/day here or there is fine, but we firmly believe family time with the kids should be fun, not a job). As far as the household, we do have a cleaning person every other week that helps with light laundry, mainly bedding. Our daughter is in a Montessori school and will likely be in it through 6th grade. The child due in June has a placement for the next school year at the same school. We would like to continue that program for both kids and any future child(ren). We are going to be building a house in the next year on a relatively large sized piece of property. We have room to add an apartment in the house or in a separate building at the same time.

   The area we are from is relatively rural, and we can probably count on one hand the people we have even heard of who have part-time nannies and/or household help. In fact, a main topic of discussion with some of the two-parent working household couple friends we have is a lack of childcare support. Most families that have multiple children have one stay-at-home parent. There are not a lot of services available in our area for any type of outsourcing of household duties. I’m looking for any experiences or suggestions that anyone has for childcare and household help. We are open to anything from part-time/flex nannies to full-time live-in help. As I mentioned, we don’t know much about this, so any feedback and suggestions are appreciated.

   1. It’s pretty basic. For starters you have a cleaning person every other week. Double that to weekly and then also double her hours. You need a nanny, which just means hiring one. Even in rural areas there are people who want jobs. Also if you’re unwilling to compromise on anything don’t have a third kid with a surrogate? Just. Why? You don’t need to. 2 kids is plenty.

      1. +1

      2. You advice is good but your last comment is a little rude, no? Who are you to say what number of kids is right for a total stranger’s family?

         1. If you’re worried about how you’re going to fit everything in, it’s pretty logical to not have a third. I didn’t read it as judgment, but more just practical advice. I know there are some working moms who have 3+ but the vast majority of working moms I know have 1 or 2 kids and almost all the families with 3+ kids have moms who stay home and don’t work. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. It’s a lot harder to juggle a job (especially a demanding one) and family if you have 3+ kids.

            1. Yup. This is what I’m getting at.

            2. Or dad stays at home – I know families with 3+ kids where dad stays at home or works very flexible hours part time while mom is a law firm partner or equivalent.

            3. I agree dad staying home could make this work, but that’s not OP’s situation (“My husband and I both work full-time jobs with no intent of changing that.”)

            4. I have three kids. I am a lawyer and my husband is an engineer. When we went from 1-2, he stayed home for a year. We we went from 2-3, he worked on a contract basis and so had very flexible hours. We still used full-time child care. When our youngest was 4, he took another job that is far less flexible than my job. Now that all three are in school, we balance our schedules so that we do drop-off and then we use after-school care. Summers are the most difficult to cobble together enough care. A friend and I are looking at doing a nanny-share or something this summer. We have family that could help in an emergency, but we don’t use family for routine care.

            5. Concur with this. The jump from 2 to 3 also seems like a game changer as you’re spending a much longer period of time in daycare, with kids at different schools/different schedules and calendars, what type of car you can get, etc. No one can tell OP what to do with her life, but I don’t think “having another kid” and “make my currently overwhelming life manageable” are really heading in the same direction.

            6. Also, OP has not yet even made the jump from 1 to 2. That was WAY harder for me than I thought it would be.

            7. Going from 1 to 2 rocked me and a lot of people I know. I wouldn’t even think about a third until you see how life is with 2.

   2. I can very much sympathize with you on the 2 big (even medium) jobs in a rural area struggle! Have you taken the temperature of your church community for interest in a nanny or household helper position? It seems to me that would be a great way to find someone you trust and see what kind of arrangement you can work out with them. Not as formal as an agency or cleaning service, but I imagine you don’t have many (if any) of those to choose from.

      1. Coming from a rural area, I agree that checking with local churches could be a great idea. There may be a local grandmother who would be happy to supplement her Social Security.

         My single mother was a flight attendant, and this is what she did. My nannies (who were flexible for sure!) were grandmothers who didn’t have much local family and would come spend the night in our guest room 2-4 nights per week whenever she was flying. My mom said she always felt more comfortable with an older woman because she had raised her own kids and knew what was an emergency, what wasn’t, and when to say no to backtalk ha. They didn’t do any housework – they were just there to keep me alive.

         Good luck!

         1. “Local grandmother looking to supplement her Social Security” is exactly what I had in mind, ha!

         2. +1

            When my Mom went back to work full time, we had a dear family friend / “local grandmother”, who was the mother of the Pastor who took care of us. We were not toddlers. We were all in school by then. It worked out great.

            For 3 young kids, 2 who are infants/toddlers, I definitely agree with hiring a full-time nanny, and looking for one at your church.

   3. I don’t have much advice to give on your actual question, since I’m not familiar with living in a rural area – I would imagine an au pair might be hard to swing since they probably want to live in more populated areas (but someone can correct me if I’m wrong). If you can get an au pair, that sounds ideal once you have the room for one. Not sure what the nanny pool is like where you are, sounds like probably not very big but on the other hand sounds like you wouldn’t have a lot of competition to get one. In terms of household help, that’s easy. Have your house cleaned every week, outsource laundry if possible, get meals delivered or hire someone to meal prep every week, outsource all landscaping.

      But one thing I just wanted to raise was how your expectations may be a little out of sync with the reality of having multiple kids. I know women are told they can have it all. But being a partner at a law firm (I’m assuming you work 40-50+ hour weeks), doing business development, and being active in the church and other community organizations, is not going to be conducive to spending much time (quality or otherwise) with your kids. It just won’t. I know female partners with multiple young kids and husbands with big jobs too. They have a nanny and an au pair. They don’t really get to spend much unstructured time with their kids, and they are the type of people who have to plan every minute of their day in order to make it work at all. I would hate that life, personally. I don’t know what the solution is, but since your husband owns his own business, maybe he could slow it down for a few years while your kids are young, so he can be more flexible with his working hours and do things like daycare drop off/pick up, doctor appointments, sick days, etc.

      Long story short — even if you can get a ton of household help, I’m not sure your current career and general life expectations are going to mesh well with having 2 or 3 very young kids.

      1. Yeah — this is more on point than what I said below. What you’re trying to do is really freaking hard with 2-3 young kids, help or not. I’m curious why you want to do ALL the things right now. There’s a season to everything. It’s not like you need to put off volunteer work or building two businesses for the entire time you have kids, but I honestly don’t know how this is feasible.

         1. And building a house!

            1. Yeah, I wondered about that too! Even if OPs husband is in the industry there will still be a lot of decision making and stress that cannot really be outsourced. OP really is taking on a lot.

      2. This. You can outsource everything but it will still be really hard to do everything you want to do and still spend a lot of time with your kids, especially if you have 3.

      3. I disagree. I’m in a different situation — divorced with split custody. I prioritize quality time with my kid when I have them and prioritize work, social, and community commitments on the other days. It works. I mean there are weeks when it doesn’t, and those weeks are hard, but they are rare and overall it works.

         If the poster schedules working late or an evening commitment 2 weeknights nights a week, she’s got 2 weeknights to hang out with her kids. As the kids get older and have recitals, sports games, whatever — as a partner, she can schedule other commitments around those and let the nanny handle taking the kid to regular practices etc. On weekends — that’s two full days and 3 evenings. If she’s out one of those evenings on a date night or work event, that’s 2 evenings with the kids. If she has a volunteer commitment on saturday mornings for 3 hours, and she’s spending the rest of the weekend with the family… that’s a lot of family time. Maybe she catches up on some work during nap time/quiet time or after the kids are in bed.

         Honestly I don’t think this is for everyone, and it really doesn’t need to be — but it seems like the poster wants this life and I think it’s totally doable.

         OP — I would start by increasing your housekeeping help by a lot and then getting an au pair. I’m sure there are plenty of au pairs who would be happy in a more rural area — I personally love living in a city but not everyone does. If your community is not a huge fan of displays of wealth, you can also spin the au pair thing from an educational/exchange student angle, instead of the “we’re so rich” angle.

         1. Strangely, though, it’s easier when you don’t have your kids full time, even if you have a co-parent on site. The ability to go 100% on non-kid stuff sometimes is what makes it work.

            Signed,

            Been there, done that

         2. Ugh in mod. Try again:

            Strangely, though, it’s easier when you don’t have your kids full time, even if you have a co-parent for the full time parenting. The ability to go 100% on non-kid stuff sometimes is what makes it work.

            Signed,

            Been there, done that

            1. +1

            2. This. I know many married women who joke about getting divorced just so they can share custody. I’m sure it is hard in some ways (emotionally, etc.) but logistically it can be much easier, and if you have a hard-charging career with some flexibility about when you work (which is common for attorneys) being without your kids 50% of the time is a HUGE benefit to your career. Don’t underestimate that.

         3. If they are really involved with their church, that can take up a full sunday plus one weeknight. I am pretty active in my faith and it’s very important to me, but it not family time – even if my family is also there for some of that time.

   4. Honestly, this sounds like a great situation for an au pair if you are open to that.

      1. Look for a professional nanny agency. You need a reliable professional and sounds like you have the money to pay top dollar. You don’t need some granny. Or you could try Care.com or Sittercity.com. No au pair wants to go to some one horse town in a flyover state.

   5. Would this be a situation for an au pair? I hear the struggle; it’s not as easy as just “go hire a nanny!” when you don’t live in a populous area. Can you increase your housecleaning help to once a week instead of once every two weeks? But also, you may need to right-size your expectations about not having to make any lifestyle changes.

      1. We have a weekly cleaner and basically need to clean the kitchen and run the vaccum, but otherwise do very little cleaning.I’d up support here dramatically.

         1. +1

            And with a weekly cleaner, they can start doing all the laundry, trash removal, and maybe even a little additional work. One of my friends has a weekly “cleaner” who cooks a lot of her meals and puts them in the fridge for her for the week!

      2. Au pairs don’t want to live in the woods

         1. Yeah unfortunately rural areas probably won’t attract an au pair. I can’t imagine one finding my rural hometown to be appealing, unless they like driving 45 minutes to … anything.

         2. I know plenty of families in my rural town who have had au pairs.

         3. Au pairs want a chance to practice English more than anything else, in my limited experience.

   6. All of my friends in dual working marriages have au pairs. They say some are better than others, there is some “managing” of them too since they’re young, but all are better than nothing. Since you have space, this is probably a great option for you. They also have a range of additional help from full or part time nannies to day care.

      1. So I’m wondering if I’ve misunderstanding au pairs. When people suggest this, do they mean a government program where a young person from overseas comes to stay with you (must have their own room) and can only work 30 so hours per week total and can only stay for two years? Or do people just mean a younger nanny or childcare helper?

         1. I meant a foreign au pair through the State Department authorized program. There are a number of restrictions on their work, but the overall cost is much lower than an equivalent hourly rate for a nanny. But I’m in a HCOL area, so that benefit might be less in a LCOL area.

            Also OP note that an au pair must have their own room but should not be in a separate apartment – part of the program in theory is sharing meals, casual hangout time, etc. A MIL suite could be good though. And a separate apartment could be amazing for getting a local nanny.

      2. Yes – we have an au pair and it’s worked wonderfully for us. But I would be a bit worried about the au pair feeling isolated if there aren’t other au pairs near by, or even nannies. At the least, it would be something to be up front about in interviewing – candidates will say they are fine with it but you would need to judge that. A nanny from the community might also be more of a long term relationship and do more household tasks. Are there nanny agencies in the region you could talk to?

      3. That surprises me. Everyone I know is a dual working family and I don’t know anyone who has an au pair. I’m in a small-ish college town that an au pair probably wouldn’t want to move to, but I have a lot of friends in major coastal cities too and none of them have au pairs either. Everyone I know does nanny, daycare or both.

         1. I think it’s very regional. Where I grew up no one had even heard of au pairs. But in my current town — which is only 90 minutes from my hometown! — we have a thriving au pair community!

         2. While I’ve hear of a few, it’s not terribly common in my HCOL city. It’s probably a housing issue. While I imagine a lot of au pairs would love to come here (nice weather, fun stuff, etc.), not many people I know have a house that is really big enough for an au pair. Even people with bonus rooms / guest houses, etc. often use them for working at home or renting out for income.

            1. It’s wild to me that people are saying “oh it’s so affordable for hcol cities; just put them in your guest suite.” Like, lady, if I could afford an entire unused guest bed and bath I’d probably be able to pay market rate for a nanny.

            2. Yeah I’m in the Bay Area and they don’t seem to be common here. I imagine the lack of space is a big factor. Nannies don’t need a bedroom in your house.

   7. I would think an Au Pair could work. I have commented before that it’s not the model for everyone but it’s worked for us as our primary childcare for over a decade and four kids. We have been able to secure Au Pairs in a variety of semi-rural locations. I would definitely build a separate granny type suite. The fact our current house is the least Au Pair friendly in this regard has been a huge challenge. I would aim for a separate entrance if possible. It will widen your options.

   8. I wish I knew the answer to this. I live in a gorgeous college town within 3 hours of both Boston and NYC, but the lack of household support seems to be the primary drawback to living here. I have this hypothesis that all of my fellow city people who turn around and sell within 1-2 years of moving here just can’t make it work without the services we take for granted. It honestly is the factor that tipped me over the edge into not planning on having children.

      1. Are you in Storrs, by chance? If so, I’m moving very close to you!

         1. Different Anon, but my family lives down the road(ish) from UConn and we lived with them for the past six months while we sold/bought. We took some lovely Christmas pictures on Horsebarn Hill :) We are now settled in southern CT.

            It’s a nice area! A little bit townie (said with love) but a lovely, peaceful place for families.

         2. No, I’m across the border in Massachusetts, the Five Colleges area. Despite the lack of certain services, I am very happy to have ended up here. I joke that I skipped straight to buying the vacation home in the mountains.

   9. You may want to post over on the mom’s board too, many of us there had/have au pairs and nannies/sitters. One thing I’ll caution you about (as many people don’t realize it) au pairs do NOT do household chores for you/the family, ONLY for the child and they have a limit of hours worked per week. Can you ask the au pair to help with grocery shopping? Yes. Can you have them cook you all dinner nightly and do all the laundry and clean? No. Having an au pair was a BIG help (especially on snow days/sick day) but it isn’t the same as a nanny who you also agree will do errands (dry cleaning, walk the dog, pick up prescriptions, take returns back to stores, grab you something at home depot for a household project, etc. etc.).
      It may also be worth asking around if anyone in your church does cooking ‘on the side’ and would be willing to cook premade meals for your family? A few local moms in our neighborhood (some who used to be chefs) do this for a set number of families – they have a ‘menu’ per week, you pick what nights and how many servings you want and they drop everything off.

      1. I always mean to ask if this might be particular to the U.S? I know there are vast differences as we don’t have the same entry system with agencies taking the big cut etc. Ours are simply regular employees, paid at least minimum wage with all the regular benefits etc. In Canada there is lots of flexibility to assign tasks. Since they live with us, ours have contributed to household tasks and also are allowed to work over time. We had some work as many as 45 hours a week (which they love and is agreed upon in advance).

         1. I think there is a LOT of confusion in terminology – in the US an ‘au pair’ is brought over via a formal cultural exchange program where the young people (under 25) come over under a VERY specific visa AND have requirements (must take a certain number/credits of college courses, pay is set, hours are set, duties are set). Often people use ‘au pair’ to just mean young sitter and they are not the same thing.

         2. Yes, it’s a regulated program in the US, with specific rules.

         3. In the US they aren’t paid minimum wage. Their pay is free room and board so their hours and work conditions are very regulated.

            1. They also receive a weekly stipend set by statute, about $200.

            2. Yes but it’s nowhere near minimum wage, that’s what I’m saying.

            3. I’m clarifying that they receive more than just room and board. The stipend is definitely less than minimum wage.

            4. Just FYI, unless there’s been a change in the past few years, the stipend that agencies suggest isn’t set by law as some kind of maximum/set payment–I think the amount was in some guidance from many decades ago that au pairs shouldn’t be paid less than that amount.

               There’s been litigation about the lack of minimum wage and I think there are parts of the US where there’s precedent clearly requiring minimum wage. In my jurisdiction, there has yet to be litigation, but it seems likely that there will be litigation. I have yet to hear a compelling argument that au pairs are not owed at least minimum wage under my state’s laws.

   10. I was in your exact same position about 8 years ago, and we have gone on to have 2 more children. The biggest difference is that we are in a HCOL area where this type of arrangement is pretty common, so there is a larger applicant pool. In our case, we had the most success hiring a full-time nanny who comes from 8 to 6. She uses the time that the kids are in school to manage the household. So, she helps get the little kids dressed and off to preschool, then either goes shopping or comes back and does dishes/preps lunch & dinner/does kid laundry/straightens kid areas. She picks up the kids from preschool, hangs with them until dinner, when we take over. We now also have a steady “bench” of other sitters who will step in between 6 and 8 if we need extra hands to stay with the little kids while we run big kids to an activity.
       Biggest take aways from this arrangement —
       1) I was absolutely clear in my advertisement and interviews that this job required household assistance/management and paid accordingly. I even did a trial period with our current nanny to make sure she really understood the extra parts of the job. Many nannies will not do household stuff unless is it is part of the job description going in and they are compensated extra for it. I interviewed an individual who claimed to be fine with the arrangement, but it was clear from our trial day together that she had zero interest in cooking/cleaning. Absolutely fine, but it would have led to very long term frustration if we had hired her.
       2) With two big jobs, we outsource absolutely everything that we can, and protect the activities where the kids want *us* (so – I outsource dinner prep, but pick up the kids at the bus every day so I can hear about school when it’s fresh – then go back to work for a few hours, and I often have a sitter come for evening hours so that I can attend evening games for older kids).
       3) You still need a parent to be the responder and flexible – my kids love and adore their nanny, but when my youngest needed OT and another kid needed an ADHD evaluation, these items still fall to me. The nanny can do things like manage buying the next size of clothing and shoes and organizing closets, but a parent still needs to be the one talking to doctors, schools, etc.
       4) As mentioned above, an au pair doesn’t really work for this set up because you really need someone who can manage/take on a lot of household stuff, which an au pair cannot. We have discussed getting an au pair for evening and weekend hours b/c we have so many kid activities that we want to attend, and an au pair would limit how often we are piecing together evening and weekend sitters, but there’s no way that an au pair could take over for our nanny.
       5) If you are in a rural area where there aren’t many applicants, there are a few companies who have qualified applicants who are willing to move for a good job – Adventure Nannies is one, I believe? I’m sure the cost goes up, but if you need someone for a long term position, it might be a good route to explore.

   11. [removed by mgmt]

       1. How did my comment go to moderation, and this one did not? Kat, flagged for removal.

          1. The truth stings a bit?

          2. Why should it be removed? It’s a valid position. Just because you don’t like it, you want to censor it? Wow…

             1. It seems that people may discuss surrogacy but not in the way that raises the human rights issues and that specific terms are triggering. Anyone can google the international impact on surrogates (not including relatives or friends who act as a surrogate) as well as the impact on the baby. Apparently, for some women, that impact is not enough to overcome the right to have a child.

       2. This. You don’t even have time to be pregnant, how can you have the time for another child?

          1. What makes you assume that a woman considering surrogacy does so because she simply “doesn’t have time” to be pregnant? Is infertility something you’ve never heard of?

             1. She’s literally pregnant now with her second kid so I don’t think she’s infertile

             2. Not the Anon above. The OP is currently pregnant with her second, so yeah, pretty obvious surrogacy would be a lifestyle choice.

             3. Anon at 12:15, she did not say she’s pregnant. She said her child is due in June. This could be an adoption or surrogacy. So no, it’s not pretty obvious.

             4. How do you know she’s pregnant? I don’t see where her post says that.

             5. There are a ton of reasons why surrogacy might be wanted. We just talked a ton about PPD and postpartum psychosis; that’s a genetic type. A woman who’s already been pregnant once might have suffered extreme morning sickness, a traumatic delivery, a health scare while pregnant, or something after delivery like blood clots. Knowing you’ve miscarried a lot and have problems getting/staying pregnant. (I know one woman who miscarried 8x, eventually having one daughter.) (Also, just because she f’ing doesn’t want to be pregnant – totally valid reason.)

             6. The question isn’t whether wanting a surrogate is valid. Of course it is! The issue is the impact on the surrogate and child. Even if the surrogate is a loving relative, taking away the baby from the surrogate at birth can have permanent negative consquences.

          2. Her plan to use a surrogate could be due to age, high risk pregnancies, complications, etc. Look at someone like Kim Kardashians who had two children with major complications and then used a surrogate. The judgment on this blog always blows me away.

             1. Same, and this thread is a good reminder of why I don’t spend as much time here as I used to. I’m not sure who put some of these posters in charge of deciding who should have children, how many is the acceptable number to have, and how they should have children. People here tend to be very pro choice until others make choices they don’t agree with.

             2. The OP was asking for childcare suggestions for how to make her very ambitious plans for her career and community involvement work with kids, and one reasonable suggestion is not have a third child. The surrogacy is a bit of a red herring, although it is not clear to me why OP included that detail.

             3. [removed by mgmt]

       3. lol you should say this to the surrogates I know. I’ll get the popcorn.

       4. This is a rather blunt way to put it, but you’re not wrong. Two things I’ve noticed about surrogacy:
          1. It’s allegedly a selfless gift from one woman to another, but it’s something that poor women do or rich women, not vice versa.
          2. When someone who opposes abortion volunteers to adopt the child of a woman contemplating abortion, that person is hit with “adopt the kids in foster care.” Yet I don’t see a whole lot of upper-middle class educated women being told to adopt kids in foster care rather than use a surrogate.

          1. FWIW I am also curious why someone who’s had two children herself needs a surrogate for a third – if there’s placenta previa or some other health situation going on, that’s one thing. But I’m getting a little disconcerted about how affluent women are treating other women as rent-a-wombs because it’s “inconvenient” for them to be pregnant or for some other superficial reason. I also don’t know that someone who has two kids absolutely has to have a third if they have to get a surrogate involved. Maybe she could just count the two blessings she has and leave it at that.

             1. This is not a comment on the surrogacy or third child debate. I will just note that OP doesn’t say she’s pregnant, only that her second child is “due.” We don’t know whether the first and second children came to their family through surrogacy, adoption, or OP’s own pregnancy.

             2. +100000

          2. Surrogacy isn’t always exploitative. My friend couldn’t safely become pregnant due to having a brain aneurysm, so her cousin carried the child. You don’t know what the story is.

             Also not sure why abortion is part of your complaint – the suggestion to adopt a foster kid is clearly meant to be aligned to some claim about wanting unwanted children. Surely a better comparison would be people just plain old interested in adoption.

             1. I’ve had multiple relatives have children through surrogates. They had terrible, serious health reasons that left them unable to have a child.

                One had cancer and was worried a recurrence would occur during pregnancy. She harvested her eggs before chemo. Sadly, she’s dead now, but was a wonderful mother and her husband and children loved her to pieces.

                One had almost died after giving birth to her first child, and had an emergency hysterectomy. She was in the ICU for weeks. They saved her ovaries. She couldn’t carry another child herself, obviously.

       5. Thank you for saying this, this thread is all so predatory and its gross.

       6. Unpopular opinion but I agree with you. Surrogacy is exploitative and I find it especially horrifying if it’s done by choice not because of infertility, which it sounds like is OP’s situation.

          1. Ok, you’re not wrong, but we don’t know why OP is thinking about it. There very well could be medical reasons.

             1. Even if there are medical factors involved, you don’t need to do surrogacy for a third kid. Two is plenty.

             2. [removed by mgmt]

             3. do people really need to take extraordinary measures to reproduce 3 times tho

             4. “No one has a right to a baby, no matter the reason. This future baby will be ripped from his or her mother only to be scheduled in for appointments with OP. The whole post reeks of clueless privilege even for this board.”

                I completely agree. It sounds to me like OP is going to be challenged to give her existing children enough time and attention. Adding in a third child and trying to outsource not just the production of that child but the parenting of it is a really morally questionable choice and I don’t think people are wrong for challenging this idea.

                This is when I feel like high-achieving, highly-anxious women have created this fantasy ideal of the “perfect life” in their head – three kids, big job, nice house, etc. and do not stop to think that the choices they’re making to achieve that life will require large, potentially damaging tradeoffs. Completely co-sign that “no one has a right to a baby” – OP already has two. Plenty of people just have two children and do fine. I feel like having a third (or fourth) child has become some kind of flex for affluent parents who are more concerned with image than they are with building a healthy, functional family and that needs to be called out. Because it’s gross.

             5. I’m the person from last week who is at a high risk of postpartum psychosis. That means that my first child is my only child. It’s a situation that hurts – we would love to have another.

                Surrogacy isn’t the solution to our problem. The solution is to be so grateful for the beautiful child we do have.

             6. A third baby has absolutely become a status symbol in some circles. In some parts of the country you really need to be wealthy to afford a house large enough for a family of five, and it’s absolutely a flex about how much money you have.

             7. Third kid is definitely a flex in my HCOL city.

          2. +1 It is literally buying a baby, and there is trauma involved (even on a subconscious level) for both baby and surrogate – and bio parents if something goes wrong with the arrangement! In many reproductive discussions (adoption included) there’s so much focus on what adults “want” instead of what is best for a child.

             1. Some families can only have kids via surrogacy though.

             2. “Some families can only have kids via surrogacy though.”

                So what? That doesn’t magically make surrogacy ethical and non-exploitative.

             3. Exactly.

                These are new fully independent, autonomous human beings in need of substantial care, guidance and supervision, not props. This isn’t like a designer dog or a Birkin handbag that someone can get excited about when it’s new and then lose interest in later on when the newness has worn off, or it’s not as fun any more, or whatever. If someone wants to have any amount of children, they need to check in with themselves and make sure that desire is not borne out of some picture they have in their head of what their family “should” look like, and it’s not because of something their parents have said or their church has told them, or because the Joneses have three kids, or whatever.

                OP – do you want to actively parent three children from birth to adulthood? And make the sacrifices necessary to do what’s right for the kids, which may conflict with what you want for yourself? The answer had better be “yes,” especially if you are going to rent out someone else’s uterus to bring that third child into existence.

             4. Yeah, I mean, I have infertility and had serious health complications with delivery. I would need an egg donor and a surrogate to have a second child, unless we adopted. I have good friends who are a male couple that used a surrogate and egg donor to have a child. It is sad that there are people who cannot become biological parents, but that same and heartbreak doesn’t bear on whether surrogacy is morally acceptable. They’re independent questions.

   12. First figure out exactly what you’re looking for. Do you want someone to come get your daughter up, dressed, fed and off to preschool? Or do you want afternoon help, someone to pick her up and keep her entertained and maybe throw something in the oven for dinner?

       I had the former when my kids were late elementary + middle school, and I found her by posting on Facebook. One of my colleagues suggested I try that and within minutes of posting, a young woman who had been our teenage babysitter when my kids were babies said she would do it. I hadn’t even thought of her because she was all grown up and working full time, but it worked out that she could do it in the mornings before work and earn a little extra dough.

       If you don’t have Facebook, try the church newsletter or bulletin board as others have suggested.

       Pay well and be respectful and grateful so you can retain the person for as long as possible!

       But first, you really need to know exactly what you want.

   13. Apart from OP’s reference to a surrogacy, what about her post insinuates that she isn’t raising her children? She’s a busy working mom. I don’t understand the misogyny. Working mothers raise our children. We may use a nanny or daycare, but we very much raise our children. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disgusted with this board.

       1. Ugh m0d for the t word.

          I think it’s the tone of the post. It just sounds very tr * nsactional and un-emotional. Fwiw I work full time, as do virtually all my friends, and several of my closest friends have prestigious jobs that require them to work long hours. They’re amazing moms. But there’s something about the tone of the post that’s really off, like she can completely outsource parenthood except in designated blocks of time. I actually thought it was a tr0ll post when I first read it.

          1. This. I am the person who wrote the comment about OP not parenting. It was not the use of daycare or nannies; it was little comments like wanting to maximize quality time. It really read like she is resume building and kids are a part of that. In any event, if dad is on board with renting a womb for a child with whom he will try to schedule in between church activities and the like, then he’s problematic as well. For the record, it was my husband who “leaned out” when our son was little.

       2. amen

       3. You’re talking to a board full of working mothers. We absolutely get it.

          As a working mother who had a nanny and whose kid went to daycare, I can say that if you are relying on nannies, housekeepers and other household help to do the majority of the hands-on, face-to-face contact with your child, and you only get involved when there’s a major decision to be made or a check to be written, no – you are not really parenting. That to me is akin to the British families who had day and night nannies so they only had to spend maybe an hour a day with their kids – until the kids were sent off to boarding school at age 6. And that absolutely did leave psychological scars on people; there are memoirs from folks who were raised that way that make it clear they felt psychologically abandoned by their own parents.

          Again – children are not props. They are living beings with souls that need care and nurturing and they need to securely attach to caregivers at an early stage in their lives to be able to form healthy attachments with other individuals later. Having kids without giving some thought to how you will raise them to be psychologically healthy adults is very much a f— around and find out situation, I assure you. I have seen what that looks like, working with young adults who have problems with drugs, alcohol, violence and extremist views and it is not pretty.

          1. Agree. I think most of the responses are from working moms.

          2. Agree with this. I have worked full-time since my kids were born. I definitely used daycare and still use before/after care. But I would feel very, very uncomfortable with being away from them any longer than that. Yes, quality time is important. So is quantity and just being there for daily moments. I can also tell you that now that I have a kid old enough to stay home alone — there are times when he really, really needs me from an emotional standpoint. You can’t outsource that. You shouldn’t outsource that. I agree that it was the detached, unemotional tone that raised red flags for me.

             1. Exactly. I know women who work 70+ hours per week and spend very few waking hours with their kids, especially in the baby/toddler stage when they sleep so much. But their kids’ needs are always on their minds. You can’t outsource the emotional labor of parenting, and it sounded like OP was hoping to do that, which is what felt so off to me.

       4. +1. The discourse on this board has become toxic.

          1. There’s no winning. Dont work? You’re an idiot and your partner will leave you penniless. Work with full time child care? You didn’t raise your children. Work from home while watching the kid? You give working moms a bad name. Work part time? No man would do that; be careful it’s a mommytrack.

             1. [removed by mgmt]

             2. This is a stupendously un-nuanced view of the complex discussions we’ve had on this board over the years. Either you just skim the conversations or you’re only paying attention to the things that reinforce your already-drawn conclusions. It sounds to me like you’re one of the folks who maybe has asked for “advice” (meaning – tell me what I want to hear and just co-sign my sh*t) and didn’t like the replies you got that poked holes in whatever plan you were presenting.

             3. I feel like you should be at a bus stop with a cardboard sign.

             4. +1 to the poster at 2:35. There are people who think this way, but it’s not the view expressed here (most of the time, anyway). The discussions here are a lot more nuanced and complex.

       5. When my kids were little, I had people sneer at me for sending my kids to daycare and (the horror!) having occasional family help and date-night babysitters. Stuff like I was having my child raised by strangers, the whole combo platter of guilt and s*xist expectations.

          Now that my kids are tweens/teens, I can definitively say that my kids are *just* as awesome as the kids with stay at home moms (and somehow it was basically always moms). I’m hardly unbiased, but really, it’s not like you can tell which middle-class kid had a mommy who fed them grocery store fried chicken in the park after working all day and which one never ate an inorganic bite until they sneaked school lunch in middle school.

          1. Maybe not, but I can absolutely tell which kids that my son went to preschool with had parents who were present and involved, and gave a crap about the kids and actually attempted to actively parent them, vs. the parents who had kids because babies are cute and then lost interest in being hands-on as soon as the kids started looking awkward and could talk back. The latter set of kids is not doing too well; my son is still in touch with one of the kids he was in preschool with – who had affluent, super-busy, kinda-detached parents – and she’s back home after her second inpatient rehab stay. And posting pictures of herself smoking weed. So I imagine another stay is in the cards, probably fairly imminently.

             1. WTF does that have to do with anything in this post

             2. Yeah, I don’t know too many people like that tbh – our preschool parents were an affluent group of people but not the $$$$ in town because it was a full-day program. The ones with the Big Jobs and the big money mostly went to half-day places, then private K-12. At my kids’ public school, I’d be pretty shocked if anyone’s family income was above the mid-six figures, and it’s a big city where the private schools are well-stocked with the children of billionaires.

       6. Commenters are taking an incredible abusive stance towards a working mother because of her tone?! Got it. I still cannot figure out what she wrote that makes people think her mothering is emotionless or transactional.

   14. I agree that getting an au pair sounds like a good fit here, supplemented with household help. Here’s another idea, once you get the extra housing: Uniting for Ukraine or Welcome Corps together with your church. If you sponsor a refugee family, you can make a huge difference in someone’s life and likely get amazing child care and help.

2. Can anyone comment on the quality of Banana Republic Factory suiting? I need a couple suits for an upcoming work trip and the prices look good. Thanks!

   1. I think quality is equal to the sale prices, by which I mean quality is fairly low. I bought two sweaters and a pair of wool looking pants about a year ago when I returned to the office. Very quickly the sweaters pilled and stretched to the point they became weekend wear only. The pants, which I wore maybe 20 times? has just started pilling on the lower pant leg. I wouldn’t buy the sweaters again but the pants I would buy again on sale.

   2. I have a 2018 suit and it is great (but obvs it got little use after 2020). It is still in my closet. I am a pear and their pants are the only work pants that fit me other than regular BR Logans.

      Their polyester dresses are infused with some no-wrinkle witchcraft, so if there is a workwear style, I’d look into that with a blazer.

   3. I JUST purchased 2 suits from Banana Republic factory this week, so let me weigh in! The sculpted bootcut pant and blazer have a decent cut but run a bit big (this might be standard for Banana?), especially the jacket. The fabric feels and looks cheap — I got the brown color and am returning. It’s also a bit American Hustle for my taste. It miiiight be paassable in black. The herringbone pant and cutaway blazer I am keeping — the fabric feels a bit higher quality and I think the herringbone helps it have a bit more weight/look less cheap. I got the navy, which is to the blue end of navy; can’t weigh in on the green/taupe. The pants are pretty straight leg and the jacket fits like a normal jacket (not oversized but also not “cutaway” in the sense of overly tapered or cut back). I am keeping my normal size.

3. Looking to buy a new men’s leather briefcase. I want something classic that will stand the test of time and hold up long enough for that to matter. I see men in court all the time with bags they got in the 80s or 90s that still look good but yet Mr. AIMS’s fancy briefcase from 2010 is literally disintegrating before my eyes… maybe he’s just harder on his things than they are?

   The internet keeps pushing Satchel & Page on me but does anyone have any experience with this brand? They look good but I’ve never heard of them. Budget is flexible but would prefer to keep to around $500-600.

   1. Have you looked at the Cambridge Satchel Company? I’ve only seen the women’s bags but I was impressed with the quality of the stitching/leather. The fastenings were a bit stiff but presumably they’d soften over time and the Oxblood colorways were really pretty.
      I agree with you on decline in quality though, I have a coach leather weekender that my dad got for me as a high school graduation present in the late 90s that I still use – it was expensive at the time but in the $300 range, roughly? I haven’t babied it and it looks used but not shabby/falling apart. I doubt many new bags would be going strong after 25(!!) years.

   2. Saddleback leather also. It is more casual / rugged but are our family’s go-to for men’s leather presents. I have a purse that is 10+ years on it with a nice patina. Their stuff is heavy — maybe that is why it is also sturdy?

   3. The Jack Georges “university” briefcase I bought in the late 90s is still going strong.

   4. We have had good luck with Coach men’s briefcases.

   5. Very hefty pricetag but my husband has a briefcase from Maxwell Scott for years that still looks great. I think they have a really long warranty period if anything goes wrong.

      1. Another vote for Maxwell Scott. My boyfriend loves his I bought him about 5 years ago. Still looks great.

   6. I have a WP Standard tote that looks great after several years. They have some briefcase styles under “messenger bags:” https://wpstandard.com/collections/leather-messenger-bags

      1. Another one – from Defy bags: https://defybags.com/products/defender-briefcase-horween-black-austin-calf-leather-leather-straps?variant=39587127099478

4. I work in an office building, and I have my own office. We have an open door policy (door open unless you’re on a call, Zoom, or tight deadline). People often hover in my doorway, and I prefer my desk to face the door so I don’t feel “snuck up on” – I startle easily. I don’t like my office layout, though. Is there any website that I can plug in demensions of my office and my work-assigned furniture to help figure it out? My office has a big column in it and I don’t have any other similar layouts here to borrow from!

   1. Not sure about a webs*te, but maybe look up Feng Shui layouts for offices – one of the key rules for furniture placement is Placing furniture to face doorways precisely to see who is coming so you don’t get startled, so you may get other good ideas for things that would work for you.

      1. +1 desk should be in a power position. initially I had my desk facing a wall because that was most intuitive to me and took up the least space. however, now it’s floating towards the middle of the room and feels/looks better.

         1. I can definitely see why facing the door can be good, but I was the opposite. When I faced the door, I was distracted every single time someone walked by. I’ll take being startled 1-2 times a day over being distracted 10 times an hour.
            Though my desk was an L shape, so one side of it was facing the door. I just had my computer on the side wall so I normally faced away.

   2. I think graph paper and scissors is key here.

      1. Oh, now that brought back some memories. How I loved drawing out “house plans”!

   3. Do you have a facilities department? They may have someone on staff who can help you with this. (I know because this is part of my job :) ) If not, you can try Homestyler – it’s not amazing, but you can edit the pre-loaded furniture to get the dimensions you need. Keep in mind the location of your outlets and data jacks for your workstation.

   4. Floorplanner dot com. You can create custom sized rooms, including things like your pillar, and then edit the dimensions of the furniture in their database there to match your office stuff.

   5. I would make a little model for myself with cut out paper for furniture + draw up your office (to scale) so you can move things around. I like the tik t ok / yo u tube channel DearModern bc its a feng shui interior designer and he just does this constantly

      1. I did this with grid paper. So much easier than trying to wrangle things through programs haha. I also switched my office setup to face the window (back to the door) or perpendicular to the door (away from the door) bc I can’t concentrate when someone is hovering in sight. I did only keep the door slightly open though, not fully open.

   6. You can use a mirror that shows you the doorway.

5. Blood donation question. How many pokes does it typically take for them to get you started?

   I have not donated before but have a long history of medically necessary blood draws. Phlebotomists frequently had trouble finding a vein and then getting enough out of me to run the tests. Sometimes they would luck out and get enough on one poke, other times I would call it after 6-10 tries and I was starting to feel like a pincushion. Usually the lab would honor my decision to stop and would agree to reschedule for later, but sometimes they would argue and want to keep trying. My arms would be a bruised mess, my BP would drop very low, and I would be wiped out for the rest of the day. We are talking two or three vials, not pints.

   My blood is fine for donation purposes and I want to give, but don’t want a repeat of those lab test days. Just wondering if anyone has had similar issues and how that plays out.

   1. Phlebotomist skill varies greatly; I would hope they have some of better phlebotomists at the donation centers! These days they sometimes can do ultrasound guided draws for truly difficult to find veins, but I honestly don’t know if they do that at donation centers.

      Being really, really well hydrated is recommended for donation in general.

      1. But to answer your question, I’m a very, very easy stick. My veins are big, close to the surface, and my skin is basically transparent. Phlebotomists can spot my veins from across the room.

         So any decent phlebotomist can get my blood without me knowing it even happened. But there are still two that I dread because they don’t get it on the first try, it hurts like heck, and I end up with a bruise, but it’s only been a problem with those exact two people and no one else I encounter.

   2. Yeah this isn’t your thing. Your veins don’t become different.

      1. LOL yes, they absolutely do. How hydrated you are makes a huge difference.

   3. Never ever more than 1. I don’t think my veins are particularly difficult though.

      1. Same.

   4. I have similar issues! I found that giving at a place where they have a lot of experience helps — if you happen to be in Houston, I had a really good experience at MD Anderson’s blood donation center. But it is kind of luck of the draw. And I second the comment to be very well hydrated.

      1. + 1M to being well-hydrated.

      2. +2. I’ve been stuck 6-7 times. I warn them that unless and until they ACTUALLY see a vein and are confident they can get it in the first try, they should not stick the needle in. If they don’t get it in the second try, I ask for the head nurse or phlebotomist that has the most experience.

   5. I think there can be two separate issues – one is how skilled the person is who is doing the draw and the other how hard your veins are.

      1. Absolutely. I already know my veins are very difficult, and while I did occasionally get a highly skilled phlebotomist for lab draws, I do not want to cause a scene at a donation event if they don’t have anyone particularly gifted in that area.

         Wondering if anyone has had experience where the donation center can’t find a vein at all or can’t keep it going, and what the center does in that scenario. I would like to avoid the situation where they insist on trying too many times, my BP plummets, and I pass out.

         1. I’ve had that all happen, including the almost passing out. They stopped and removed the apparatus and told me my blood was flowing too slowly and they were unable to collect enough. And so I’ve never donated since.

         2. You shouldn’t do this. You’re more trouble than it is worth.

   6. I have given regularly for years and while early on I had a few bad experiences, in the last 5 years it has never taken more than 1 poke. Do hydrate well for 24-48 hours beforehand to make the process smoother. It makes a big difference. Thank you for wanting to give! For those eligible, it is one of the easiest ways to directly contribute to your community.

   7. It almost always takes at least two times for me. I have rolling veins, and most of my more prominent veins aren’t cooperative. My favorite experience was when I was having a miscarriage, and the ER nurse stuck me five or six times without luck. When pulling the needle out the last time, he nicked the vein and blood shot everywhere. I also had a time where I tried to donate blood and they couldn’t get enough out of my vein after I had been there for a very long time so they ended up throwing it away.

      Since I’ve been poked far too many times to count over the last few years, I have a better sense of which veins are more likely to cooperate, so I guide them to use those. Sometimes that means it is more painful (like when they use the one in my wrist), but at least it is over more quickly.

   8. I’ve never needed more than one poke. My one arm has a good vein the other does not though

   9. A ton, they are supposed to stop after 3 tries though. I’ve just accepted I’m not a candidate for blood donation, they can eke enough out for tests from my hand but not enough for donation.
      When I had a blood clot, the nurses would fight over who had to take me for the weekly draw.

   10. I have very difficult veins and I’ve been turned away from a blood drive. They were only allowed to try 3 times and they didn’t get a vein any of the times they tried. I had gone with someone so I still had to wait around for her to finish, and it was awkward. I have just concluded that giving blood is not a good way for me to help out.

       1. Same for me. Mine are hard to find (doesn’t help that the donation sites always seem to be freezing) and I’m told they roll. I’ve tried multiple times to donate blood and after multiple unsuccessful, painful experiences have decided it’s just not for me. I would always warn the phlebotomist that I have difficult veins and they’re always like, yea ok lady, this is my literal job, I’m sure it will be fine. I just don’t bother anymore, although I feel a bit bad about it because my blood would be fine if they could just get it.

       2. Same. They told me I was “not an eligible donor” because of the difficulty accessing my veins and suggested not trying again. The needle for blood donation is wider than a standard needle, so if you have small veins or they’re difficult to “catch”, it will likely be an issue for you. I figure I gave it a shot and would have been happy to donate but you can only do what is possible!

          1. This is super helpful. For labwork, they have never been able to do it without using a butterfly. I will go into the donation hoping it might work, but with the realization that it may just not be possible for me to give.

             1. Don’t do it. You’re wasting your time. Sorry, there are other ways to be charitable. Blood donation ain’t your thing. (It isn’t mine either, same reason)

   11. According to the local donation center, most organizations have a one stick policy for donations. They don’t want individuals who are donating to feel like pin cushions.

       I have had the same problem with lab sticks and IV placement over the years. Aside from one donation that went wonky, I haven’t had similar issues with donations.

   12. My veins aren’t great and I’m very thin so I’ll never be able to donate anyway. Some have had trouble where they had to have someone else do it and others have had no problem. I have found that places like labcorp haven’t had the best phlebotomists compared to when I needed constant blood work at a private office for IVF.

       1. I think the needle they use for blood donations is generally bigger than what they use for lab draws, so it also makes sense that a lab draw would be a bit easier than donating blood.

   13. I have similar veins to you and was told at the donation centre they wouldn’t attempt to take my blood. They said it’s different when it’s medically needed but they wouldn’t ‘put me through it’ to do what they’d need to do to get a suitable amount for donation. You could go along and try but I’d look into other ways to help promote the service etc unless it’s very urgent in your area for blood supply.

   14. Just go and say you’d like to give but have tricky veins and ask if there’s someone skilled with difficult veins who could give you a try. You might have to wait a minute or two for their best sticker to be available.

       I’d definitely also start saying that at medical appointments, too!

       1. I actually learned NOT to say that at my lab appointments, because the hubris and ego would come out in force. The rando phlebotomist who pulled my name and hear this would want to prove just how good they were by going overboard to get blood from me. Those were my very worst appointments ever.

          1. I’ve had similar experiences… mentioning that it can be hard to get a vein just means that the same person stabs me painfully in the arm versus the usual approach.

   15. I have difficult veins as well. Give the donation center one stick and if it doesn’t work, leave. Try again in three months or so. You don’t have to be tortured to give blood!

   16. I have always had the same problem. I agree that some phlebotomists are better than others. The best outcome for me is to ultra hydrate beforehand. I drink as much water as I can hold, go in to the blood draw, then run for the restroom.

   17. I don’t give blood for this reason, but I have to have blood drawn regularly for a medical issue and it often takes them several tries to get me even when I’m well-hydrated. It’s not uncommon for them to blow a vein. I inherited my mom’s tiny veins, and gave them to my daughter as well. Every phlebotomist comments on it. There’s definitely skill variation though; I know a few who can get me the first time with >90% accuracy but most of them can’t.

   18. I would look for other ways to contribute to society. I used to donate regularly, or try to, but I had a strong tendency (more than 50% of the times I donated) to pass out during or immediately after the donation. I’ve flipped backwards in chairs, nearly fallen off of the table, jammed needles in my arm and, the last time, had to lie on my back in my office for 15 minutes to keep from passing out. That was the final straw. I don’t do it any more. There is rarely a shortage of run-of-the-mill blood anyway. I have donated platelets several times since then, when I had 2 friends going through leukemia treatment at the same time, but that seemed like more bang for my buck than a pint of blood.

   19. As others have mentioned, the critical thing is for you to be well hydrated.

       Sometimes I do a few arm/hand exercises literally right before they poke me to get the blood flowing. Ever notice how much your veins are bulging after you lift weights?

       Tell the nurse/tech you are a hard stick. Decide how many times you are willing to try. It’s ok to say once!

       Alternatively, maybe blood donation isn’t for you.

       You could do something even more wonderful. Sign up to be a bone marrow donor. It is much more valuable and precious than blood. They only call you if you match. It requires one stick, which can feel like a deep bruise, but they don’t miss and it is only done once. And you can truly save someone’s life!!

       https://bethematch.org/

   20. Don’t donate if you’re a tough draw. I have leaned this the hard way. They get half a bag from me and then clot/lose the vein and they have to throw it all away. You’d be wasting their time and your blood!

       Drink lots and lots of water before you go for a routine blood draw and tell the phlebotomist about the issues you’ve had before and which veins tend to work. I get blood drawn at least 4 times a year and I do this every time.

       1. Oh! I forgot to mention, when I get an IV, it never works in the back of my hand. They think it looks good but then they can’t get the tube in and there’s blood everywhere. I tend to get it above my thumb or on my forearm now.

          1. I’ve given birth and the worst pain I’ve ever felt is when an IV insertion was botched. They somehow must have damaged a nerve. I had pain on and off in that arm for months.

             1. So sorry. I have a couple of deep scars on my hands from nurses who didn’t believe me and went to town trying to find a vein that would work for IV.

6. Recs for things to do with kids in Sarasota aside from Mote? Best beaches aside from Siesta?

   1. With the caveat that I lived there 25+ years ago and I am sure it has changed a LOT, Selby Gardens and the Ringling Museum are cool. The latter had a circus museum that is probably more kid-friendly but the grounds are also lovely, with some big banyan trees. Venice Beach was known for being a great place to find shark teeth. I remember all of the beaches except Turtle Beach being pretty nice, depending on what you are looking for (amenities vs. fewer people). I used to like to go to the beach accesses toward the north end of Siesta Key, not the main Siesta Key beach, but they didn’t really have any parking available. When my younger brother was little, we used to like to eat at the restaurant right near the Siesta Key drawbridge (it looks like it is currently called The Boatyard) so he could watch the bridge open and close and boats go by.

      1. +1 to the Ringling. I love Selby, too, but was totally a garden/flower/plant/nature kid (Longwood and the top floor of the National Aquarium were my happy places as a kid).

      2. My parents live in Venice and we visit often with our young kids (other extended family is in Sarasota). If your kids do bikes, the Legacy Trail / Venetian Waterways path is great for kids and we often see manatees while riding there. Venice Beach is good for shark teeth and the pier by Sharky’s restaurant is fun to go at sunset (Sharky’s is family friendly). If you have older kids who can sit in a kayak, a lot of places do mangrove kayak tours. We have also done hikes in Myakka State Park if you’re looking for a non-beach day but still outside. It’s a little lame but my kids do love Cinebistro for a movie night since we don’t have one in our area. If you’re going in next month or so, spring training games in the area can be a fun outing. The Orioles and Braves are probably the most convenient to Sarasota.

         1. Oh yes, spring training. My brothers saw Michael Jordan play during his brief baseball career.

         2. Oh my goodness, I used to go to Sharky’s with my grandparents in the 80s. I love to hear it’s still there and a good place to go!

7. Paris recs? Looking for best boat cruise and best hop on hop off bus (for the first day when my kids are zombies). Also looking for dinner recs near the Eiffel Tower and an opinion on whether to eat at one of the restaurants there or if it will just be too expensive and not worth it (see, e.g., children-kids will be 11-15).

   Also, what kind of sneakers can I wear in Paris and not look too awful? I know we’ll all look like American tourists but I’d like to look somewhat chic if I can. ;)

   1. Vejas. Don’t eat on the tower itself. Buy the Rick Steve’s book

   2. We loved the Fat Tire bike tour to Versailles and I am a huge fan of eating in the Eiffel Tour. Your reservation gets you to the top via express elevator and the food was good. I would definitely take my kids. They would love it and the views of the Trocadero are superb.

      1. Thanks! Are you talking about the Madame brasserie or the Jules Verne? I think the latter might be too fancy.

         1. We did Jules Verne. I don’t have a super high tolerance for fancy with small kids but wouldn’t hesitate with 11+.

   3. Vejas are very popular in Paris!

      1. Agree. I wore mine all around Paris last summer and felt like I blended in well.

   4. I was in Paris in May and was very interested in what French women were wearing. It was hot when I was there and almost everyone wore long, floral maxi dresses with completely beat up, dirty white sneakers. There wasn’t one dominant sneaker, but I saw lots of Air Force Ones, Reeboks Club c 85s, Stan Smiths and Vejas, and none were bright white, all looked very lived in. And I saw this on women of all ages! So I wouldn’t worry too much about sticking out wearing any sneakers, honestly.

   5. Cruises – recommend the company that leaves from Pont Neuf (Ved-ttes). They don’t care, btw, if you BYO Champagne :) As a bonus, you can do an evening cruise and then pick a cafe in Place Dauphine (the courtyard at the western tip of Cite) for dinner. Way, way less touristy than the places next to Notre Dame, etc.

      1. Oh and sneakers, the Obvious Worn In Trendy Sneaker is big. I agree with Anon8 at 9:50.

      2. Second the Pont Neuf Vedettes cruise. I wore Allbirds but I’m generally oblivious. Food driven here so La Capitaine by Place des Vosges, Les Dunes Blanches, Kitchen Galerie Bis, Ze Kitchen Galerie, Burgart (easy burger meal a la Francaise), Le Christine, Georgette, Big Mamma restaurants for pizza and pasta. Usual suspects for museums plus Picasso museum and Fondation Louis Vuitton.

   6. I did a dinner cruise on Le Calife based on recommendations here. It was lovely! Possibly my favorite part of the trip.

   7. We took Batobus in October 2022…it’s a hop-on/hop-off boat on the Seine, which might solve 2 problems at once? We purchased the 48 hour option but only ended up using 24 hours, not much price diff as I recall. Bring your own refreshments…there was a vending machine on board but it was broken. Boat had seating indoors and out. We also took a nice Seine boat tour in Oct 2019 on Bateaux Parisiens, departing from Notre Dame area. You will see all kinds of sneakers…Vejas, lots of Adidas, Nike air force ones. I was in a pair of black OnClouds and was very happy with them. I also highly recommend this airbnb experience we found, ‘family time playing Petanque’, instructor was Arnaud, and it was delightful.

   8. Le Jules Verne is very fancy, but the Brasserie is reasonably casual and could be fun. I forget if the brasserie has private elevator access though- you might need tickets. I also really like les Ombres at Musée du quai Branly. It’s a little fancy/trendy but fine if your kids are reasonably chill in restaurants, and their rooftop terasse has one of the best views of the Tower. If you want casual (but no view) walk up Champ de Mars to either Firmine (Italian) or Le Suffren (classic brasserie).

      1. Also re the cruise and hop on hop off – consider Batobus, which is a combo of the two – it’s a boat bus that connects major attractions on the Seine. I don’t think you get the running commentary if that’s important to you, but it’s convenient and cheaper than a cruise.

   9. The food tours by Paris By Mouth are wonderful. Highly recommended.

   10. Visit the Tuileries amusement park and carousel with kids if going in summer.

8. I’m the OP from yesterday’s post about being put on a pip. Someone in the comments stated that my bosses gave me a heads-up on the reasons. They did not. It was my assumption based on what I recognized from my behavior. I kind of expected that one reason. However, there were two others added that I was blindsided by. It’s a 90-day pip. All of these are pretty easy fixes. I’m so mad at myself and ashamed. I am far too old with many many years in my career for these basics to be bringing me down. Just wanted to give an update. Thank you to those who replied with kind words.

   1. Aw. Give yourself a break! You likely have more life challenges than you did years ago and we do decline a bit as we age. Don’t beat yourself up – just take it as a wake up call to see what is going on that you let your work slip.

   2. Hey, you made it through! Don’t beat yourself up (easier said than done, I know).

      1. +1 – now just to hang in there! Good thoughts your way.

   3. What were the issues they identified that you didn’t expect?

   4. Oh I’m sorry, that’s rough. But some real talk, write your resume tonight and start job searching. I have never seen anyone recover from a PIP.

      1. +1
         Time to find a new job. I’m sorry.

      2. People definitely can and do, but it’s a good idea to update your resume anyway. You may get through the PIP and still decide that you want to make a change.

         1. Don’t give her false hope. They just gave her 90 days notice of her termination date. For the one exception, 99 are the rule.

            1. Maybe it’s workplace dependent. In my workplace, it isn’t a termination notice, it really is a warning that you need to shape up and the people who do don’t get fired. I’d say it’s about 50-50 on whether or not you get let go, and the 50% who get let go usually don’t have any change in attitude or effort.

            2. I have to agree with this. Even if she gets off the PIP, reputational recovery amongst the leadership looped in on this process is going to be difficult and take a long time. OP will likely find her career is stalled at this particular organization unless she does some superstar work, the folks that are around her now all leave, or both. She should absolutely work to correct the identified issues in the PIP just because that is an excellent growth/development exercise and also can help to make her feel better overall about the situation. But she should polish her resume and start networking, because her forward trajectory at this organization is (at best) going to be halted for awhile, if not forever.

            3. I agree. Unfortunately in my experience a PIP is protection for the company planning to fire you. Not always, but most of the time.

   5. I’m really sorry. And I wish, for your sake, that somebody had spoken up earlier about the issues you were blindsided with, particularly if they’re easily fixable. Definitely start looking around.

   6. Yesterday you said something that made me jump a little bit I didn’t want to pile on right before your PIP. You said you had told your boss you were checked-out. I can’t imagine why you told your boss that, but it’s like suggesting to your boss that they fire you. When you get a new job, and you should be looking for one now, please never say anything of the sort to your new boss, ok? I’m trying to be nice but realistic, and this is said with love. Hugs to you.

      1. That jumped out at me too. I am very checked out but I would never tell my boss that, lol. No good can come of saying that even if it’s true!

      2. Yep. this.
         Your boss is not your friend and can’t unhear something you have told her. Act accordingly.

      3. I had the same thought. Being checked-out is something that you can share with your friends or your spouse or other family members, but definitely not with your boss (even if you think that your boss is your friend).

   7. I commented yesterday that nothing during your performance review should be a surprise. If you were blindsided by the criticism then your manager has failed! It’s a manager’s responsibility to provide ongoing feedback so you have enough time to course-correct. The PIP should never be step one. I don’t know what a PIP means for your future at this job but consider looking elsewhere, if only for a better boss.

   8. I didn’t read yesterday’s post, but I would really encourage you to get your resumes out now. Like even more important than addressing whatever was in the pip. At multiple places I’ve worked, putting someone on a pip means they already are planning to let you go, but they want to dot the i’s and cross the t’s to make it less likely you’ll successfully challenge and the pip supports that. In fact, one place I worked did this with everyone unless yo did something egregious like stop showing up or theft or something. Even if you get off of the pip by some miracle, you’re going to have a hard time advancing there. You’ve already been flagged as poor performing (whether you are or not, so please don’t take that as criticism). I would view this as early notice that you’re going to be let go and start lining up everything accordingly (tun in receipts for any flex spend items, get in any health appointments you can, get your contacts and work samples in order, etc.) You’ll get through this. And hopefully you can line something else up quickly so this will just be a forgotten blip shortly

      Should you have seen this coming? Yes, the fair thing would be that nothing in any performance review of a formal nature should ever feel like. a surprise. But the reality is that most folks probably aren’t giving the feedback they need to all the time. People don’t like sharing negative feedback or they worry about whether it will alienate the receiver. If they’re already giving you one foot out the door, they have less barrier to being candid (and again, are probably looking to document whatever bad things they can to further bolster the firing). It also may not even reflect on your performance as much as you think . It may be that tough economic times have them wanting to do cuts and they’re just looking for a reason to make it easier to do without getting successful legal challenge bac.

      Unfortunately, this isn’t like getting a bad progress report in school where you just bounce back. At least from what I’ve witnessed over the years.

9. Gift ideas for a milestone birthday? My mom is turning 60 soon. She likes to read on her kindle, doesn’t cook or garden, and isn’t active. I’ll have the kids make her a card, but I’m otherwise at a loss.

   1. If your mom is anything like mine, she’ll love anything that involves spending time together. My sister and I did a spa day at a local fancy spa with my mom for her 60th and she loved it.

      1. This. Anything from a spa day to a trip together would be my suggestion.

      2. I’m in my 60s and I agree with this. If she’s not a spa type, how about a fancy dinner and a show? Or a girls’ weekend?

         1. Thanks! We actually are doing a multigenerational trip to Europe this summer to celebrate her birthday, so looking for a physical gift to give her now.

            1. Ooh fun! Were you the one asking for recs about Spain (?). Multi-gen travel is the best.

   2. I got my mom a saint Laurent bag for her 60th. So a gorgeous bag is always an option at almost all price points.

      Fabulous throw blanket? I like the baby alpaca from rh

      Cashmere or other luxe loungewear Or pajamas?

      Set up a family professional photo shoot?

      Luxe hammock or outdoor lounger? (My mom spends wayyy too much time reading in various different outdoor nooks of her backyard.)

      Girls day at the spa?

      Something of the month subscription (cheese; hot sauce; beer; whatever her thing is.)

      1. Comfy outdoor reading spots are hard to nail down and so, so worth it. Maybe one of those egg chairs if she has someplace to hang it?

         1. Yes! Are there any trees in your mom’s yard, or a big porch? My mom has a Sky Chair and loves it.

      2. I’m closer to your mom’s age. I would like a weekend away somewhere relaxing, like a spa; big yes to a designer bag or belt or something luxurious I wouldn’t get myself; a nice piece of jewelry. None of this is what I’d expect my kid to pay for though. Of the list, I’d say offer to plan a weekend away and who pays depends on your circumstances. I personally hate the family photo idea – that sounds like a big hassle.

         1. I love spoiling my mom! She deserves it!

      3. We did professional family photos for my mom’s 70th, and she loved it.

      4. I just turned 60 and these are spot on!

   3. My mom would love nice professional family photos.

   4. +1 to family photos and get the kids to make her something.

   5. I think a really luxurious throw blanket makes a nice gift

   6. Auras filled with family photos have been big hits with my parents and in laws.

   7. I’m mid-sixties and would love flowers and nice chocolates or a framed photo of me with the grandkids. I also like the ideas others mentioned of an outing with my daughter or professional family photos. I don’t really want or need much of anything anymore.

   8. My mom and I took a bucket list vacation for her 70th and it was incredible. We made so many wonderful memories and I will cherish that trip forever. If you don’t have time and/or money for a vacation, what about a local experience like theater or botanical gardens? YMMV but my mom doesn’t want much stuff and buys what little she wants, and we do photobooks for regular birthdays so it doesn’t feel super special to me.

   9. I funded the fancy meals for her bucket list trip for her 60th.

   10. I’ll be 60 in a couple of years. Things I like for gifts are cozy things, things to make my space prettier or more comfortable, and jewelry. I am not a spa person – some of us really aren’t! So make sure you know what your mom wants.

       If she likes jewelry, a milestone birthday is a good time for that. Otherwise, maybe something she can wear on your trip to Europe like a really smart travel outfit or travel accessories like some beautiful cosmetic/jewelry cases for her luggage (I love mine from Cuyana)

   11. I just got this set of earrings for myself and I love them. YMMV but if she likes bling…

       https://www.lorenhope.com/collections/new-arrivals/products/over-the-rainbow-earring-set

       1. Oh, and my husband and I also just got ourselves some fancy suitcases from Monos so maybe a luggage upgrade for the upcomign trip?

          1. Not for Vietnam, I hope. I have very real memories or the luggage sorters in HCMC with the drug sniffing dogs running on them. Too grim for fancy new luggage, I think.

             1. Well we got the protective covers so hopefully that will help…

       2. Wow, that is beautiful! Are the earrings heavy with the drops on?

          1. They aren’t, they’re light and comfy! I’m totally obsessed with them!

10. This reminds me a bit of the JCrew Origami dress (similar gather at the neckline, but no bow), which I adored. So easy to dress up for a wedding/professional c-tail event or “down” for work.

    1. I still have that dress in my closet (in a few colors!) but it sadly no longer fits me. I had the same thought when I saw this one.

    2. I still wear my J Crew origami dresses in a couple colors!

11. Just a reminder to please donate what you can today to UNICEF, Red Crescent or other orgs doing work in Turkey and Syria. I can’t stop thinking about all the little children trapped, dead or orphaned, when they’ve already suffered through war and poverty. We should all count our blessings.

    1. Can any of our emergency response people comment on whether those are the best places to give/ offer alternatives? I would normally ask a friend who has done significant emergency response in the region, but he’s already dealt with the loss of two colleagues this week and now is just not the time.

       1. I am one of the emergency managers here and yes, the Turkish Red Crescent is the best bet. I know people generally have a negative view of the American Red Cross but the Red Cross/Crescent system is extremely reputable and well regarded in international humanitarian aid. In general,UN Agencies are reputable as well and international HA/DR is a major UN function. I also have a USAID link that I’ll post as a separate comment.

          1. Link here: https://www.cidi.org/

             Also if anyone is interested in learning more about international humanitarian assistance: https://buildingabetterresponse.org/

          2. Thanks :).

       2. I am curious what your concerns are regarding these organizations?

          1. There are places where branches of the Red Cross has botched a response and where other groups have better on the ground networks. Honestly the specifics escape me post-chemo, but I learned enough about it a while ago to try to check each time.

             1. *have, not has

             2. I think this is what I’m thinking of (so not the American red cross):

                https://philanthropynewsdigest.org/news/red-cross-s-haiti-earthquake-relief-efforts-questioned#:~:text=After%20raising%20nearly%20half%20a,and%20National%20Public%20Radio%20report.

             3. agh, apologies, this was the American Red Cross. My lack of sleep is showing.

    2. World Central Kitchen does amazing work in feeding people after large-scale disasters. They’re already on the ground in Turkey. https://wck.org

12. Any tips on an itinerary for the mighty 5 in Utah likely in September. Husband mountain bikes so he will probably spend a day or two on guided tours. Also will be taking our then 3 year old who is pretty good in the car and generally chill for short walks but not going to accept a hiking carrier for longer hikes.
    Worth the cost to do SLC to Vegas or do the loop? We both have fairly generous pto but I don’t want to spend more than 10 days.

    1. I can comment on this later, check back this afternoon

    2. One of the hosts of Pantsuit Politics did the Utah national parks with 3 kids, I think last summer. Her insta is bluegrassred and there should be a highlight with their recs.

    3. If you’ll be in Moab, I highly recommend he goes out mountain biking with a guide from Momentum Mountain Biking. We had a great experience with them.

13. Looking for advice: I have been in house since 2015. My boss and I have been discussing a promotion since January of 2021. He was AVP and I was director-level. Since that time, I have been fulfilling the obligations of the AVP role with the expectation that the promotion would come “soon.” All of last summer, I was told that it was right around the corner and something big was coming. In October, the department announced that my boss was being promoted to SVP. She lamented that I was not being promoted to AVP at that time. I pushed for salary info at that time, and I learned that I was in the bottom 12% of my pay band, despite getting stellar reviews, being labelled a “must keep,” etc., which is in contrast to the stated policy of the company that those with stellar reviews be paid in the top of their pay band. I pushed hard and was promised the promotion would come early this year. I obtained information about the AVP payband. This morning, I was told that I am being promoted in two weeks and told my new salary. I am at the bottom of the AVP payband – as in the band spans 100K, and I am $500 up from the bottom. I would say that I’m angry, but I also expected this type of thing. I am actively looking for a new job. Any advice on how to push to be higher in the payband?

    1. Your company sounds like they start people at the bottom and work them up slowly. Legal is also often undervalued and hard to push for alignment with stated comp philosophies. I think you’ve got a hard battle beyond just asking for more and I wouldn’t get your hopes up. I’ve said it before too, but yes, look for another job but be careful before you leap into something new because you’re upset over this detail. I don’t think new job is always the right answer.

       1. I should elaborate more, I’ve been in-house a long time (currently a GC) and your timeline is slow, but also relatively common. If you’ve been designated a top performer and got a promotion, you’re clearly valued. I would consider leaving for a higher level role, but that’s going to be harder to do. When you’re in-house, more promotions track internally so you’ll be giving up a lot of capital if you leave. My advice changes if you’re really underpaid, have a terrible climate, risk of layoffs, etc. I’m presuming all is good except your place in the comp band.

    2. It’s pretty normal to start at the bottom of the pay band even if you’re a valued employee. I dunno it seems to me like you’re overreacting.

       1. +1. That’s always been true for me.

    3. Wait, have you had two bosses in this time? Just checking since you used “he” once and “she” once.

    4. It sounds like it was an issue that you in the bottom of the director level pay band, but IME (corporate, but not legal area) it’s quite normal to be paid in the low end of the band when you get promoted so you can continue to get raises while in that role. Are you actually underpaid for your role/industry? Or just feeling like that knowing the band range?

    5. A bit more context: I am underpaid. My role was part of an acquisition where the pay structure was very different. I am the only attorney who remains from that acquisition. My largest pay increases come from when I fall out of the bottom of the pay range; again, despite stellar reviews. The pay that I was offered for the promotion falls within the payband for my current role. For example, if the payband for the current role is 14-22 and the new payband is 19-30; I was offered 19. The male attorney who was also up for the role is already paid 24. I have also interviewed for other, similar roles recently where the pay is at the high end of the new payband.

       1. You can definitely leave if you want more money, but I still don’t think it’s that weird to start you at the low end of the new pay band even if that overlaps with the pay band for your previous position.

          1. This. If you want to come in above the bottom of the pay band, you need to switch employers and negotiate the salary. You will never get promoted to anything above the bottom and you will not be successful negotiating with your current employer.

       2. I have been where you are. You are going to have to leave to get more money. This is a sh*tty thing that employers do to loyal, high acheivers. For all the folks saying that it’s normal to start on the low end of the pay band, I would bet my life that if they brought someone from the outside in to fill this role they would be starting them at significantly more than OP. They are starting you at the bottom of the range because they think they can get away with it. It really sucks to have to leave a company you like (in my case loved), but that’s the only thing that’s going to work.

       3. This would be normal in my Big oil workplace.

    6. I have never seen a promotion that didn’t start at the very bottom of the pay band.

       1. Same. True for myself and everyone I ever managed.

14. Warning: nutrition question.

    On days that I lift in the mornings (1 or 2 days a week) I am insatiable all day (and sometimes the next day too). This doesn’t happen on cardio days or when I play sports (unless I am swimming). I’m not super strict about what I eat but I definitely try to keep it healthy (for both general health and weight loss reasons).

    A normal day of eating for me might be coffee and quiche (ham, cheese, 2-3 veggies) for breakfast, fruit for a morning snack, a grain bowl for lunch (chicken, brown rice, 2-3 veggies, cheese, dressing or sauce), baby carrots and nuts for 2 afternoon snacks, and if I eat dinner at home it’s usually a sandwich and salad for dinner (whole wheat bread, cheese, turkey, honey mustard; mixed greens, bottled dressing) and a glass of wine and maybe an Oreo or two for dessert. I often eat dinner out though, so it could be anything depending on the bar. I usually eat somewhere between 1600-1800 cals/day. I track everything in LoseIt and it looks like I’m getting plenty of fat, carbs, and protein. I’m 5ft 4, size 6 and trying to lose about 10 lbs.

    I have an appointment with my dietician in 5 weeks, so looking for any advice before I’m able to meet with her.

    1. Try adding a low cal protein shake to your breakfast on lift days. I like the premier vanilla ones and get them at Costco. Routine sounds reasonable so upping your low cal protein should help.

       1. I am pretty against adding protein powder or a protein shake in. Does anyone have any other recommendations to up my protein with food rather than supplements?

          1. Maybe nuts? I have a nut/peanut allergy so I use a protein shakes but they are an easy/portable source of protein and fat.

          2. Peanut butter powder.

          3. Turkey slices from Applegate Farms

    2. Think about timing. I’m a morning person, I exercise in the morning, and I was one of those people who used to be starving all day until I realized that I really just needed to eat more in the morning. Now that I’m WFH I eat pretty much all of my daily calories by noon or shortly thereafter and I’m no longer constantly hungry. That’s harder if you’re in the office all day, but it might at least work to eat more earlier on days you lift.

    3. Maybe more fat and fiber in your morning snack? Add some nuts, PB or cheese to the fruit. And some avocado to your quiche or grain bowl, too.

       1. Thanks for the suggestion. I usually coffee around 6, a piece of fruit on my walk to the gym (around 7am) and then eat the quiche around 9 (right after I’ve showered and changed) and then do another piece of fruit around 11

          1. I think something like whole wheat toast with PB and fruit would be a better snack, but I’m in the office so that’s not very packable

             1. I have had dedicated “work PB” for my entire professional life. Easy to grab a spoon from the break room to smear it on an apple or a banana (or just eat it).

             2. I also have desk peanut butter!

             3. I also keep work PBJ and olive oil!

             4. Hahaha exactly! Sometimes I’ll do almond butter instead as a little treat (god I’m boring)

    4. It looks to me like you’re not eating enough protein and it also looks like you’re not eating enough calories for weight training. You definitely need to talk to someone trained on this stuff if you’re doing resistance training and trying to lose weight simultaneously. For me, doing both at once leads to just being starving all the time, unless you’re very, very strategic about it. By that I mean no eating out for a while (not forever), cut the wine and oreos. I’m preaching to myself but you’re honestly quite thin so you’re going to have to be super disciplined about this if you’re serious about continuing to weight train AND try to lose ten pounds. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s an uphill battle and you have to pay incredibly close attention to your macros and calories to achieve this goal. Also, you will probably end up trading ten lb of fat for muscle so that’s something you need to be prepared for.

       1. Along those lines, OP, if you’re continuing to strength train, you may have to be OK with the tradeoff of losing body fat but not necessarily weight, if that makes sense. Personally, I think that’s a decent tradeoff: more muscle, still lean, just a tad heavier than your preference. You’re quite small already, so that may be a more achievable goal.

          Weirdly, I’m the opposite. I’m fine on strength training days, but I’m insatiable on my cardio days.

          1. Yes – I don’t care about the number on the scale but I want to lose flab.

       2. Agreed. This wouldn’t be nearly enough protein or fat for me. You say you are getting enough protein but the menu above wouldn’t top 50 gr a day and could easily be as low as 30 gr. I aim for 1 gr per pound of body weight so if you weigh 140 lbs, 140 gr. This is a standard recommendation. I normally lift six days a week and don’t eat anything before a late lunch and am never hungry.

       3. Per my tracking, I’m getting between 65 and 90g of protein a day. I know this is low for bulking, but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m also getting 70-85g of fat most days.

          In the summer and fall I do triathlons and the occasional half marathon and play in a semi-competitive soccer league so right now my workout routine is just to stay generally fit in between training for things. I’m just lifting 1-2x a week in a strength class and doing cardio (a mix of biking and running) 2-3x a week. So, I’m not lifting to bulk up or anything but just to stay fit. I’m just going to a BodyPump or barre class at my gym or taking a Peloton class.

          As for the weight loss, I currently mid 140s which is the higher end of normal for my weight. I am down about 10 lbs (I was considered overweight before) and would like to lose 10lb but if I stay the same weight but gain muscle that’s more than ok by me! I’m not trying to be super thin or super cut, just want to lose some flab.

          My dietician knows both my weight loss and fitness goals.

          1. I would maybe speak to a fitness expert. I highly recommend the woman who run Muscle Science for Women (Ashleigh van Houten and Rachel Gregory). I can’t see how the diet you described above is anywhere near 65 gr of protein but you know your tracking. Regardless, even if you are consuming 65 gr that is half the recommended amount for muscle maintenance, not bulking. I would certainly be absolutely starving with those ratios.

             1. Thank you! I’ll look into that and look to add more protein.

                I have no interest in protein powder or shakes, how do you ensure you’re getting enough protein through food?

             2. “I have no interest in protein powder or shakes, how do you ensure you’re getting enough protein through food?”

                I don’t know what the primary objection is to protein supplements – if you have concerns about additives or chemicals, there are eleventy-million brands out there and you can find them that are organic, vegan, soy, no soy, pea protein, whey, dairy free, etc. or some combination of all of those.

                We all learned this in school: food protein sources are things like nuts, nut butters, eggs, egg products, dairy products (cheese, cottage cheese, ricotta cheese, yogurt, etc.) and meats. Part of the reason why people keep suggesting protein powder is that it’s a way to increase protein without also increasing fat and calories, which are part and parcel of most high-protein foods. It’s going to be tough to up your protein enough to get in 65g a day without either eating calorie-dense foods or eating very frequently.

                When I up my gym visits (which I’m about to do as I come out of winter hibernation) I make the mocha ricotta creme from South Beach Diet, phase 1 without artificial sweeteners (they give me migraines) and eat that once a day. It’s 15g of protein per serving as prepared per the recipe in the book. Not terribly low-calorie but satisfying. Lotus Foods millet and rice ramen is another good source – 8g protein per brick of noodles, and you can add in your veggies, tofu, egg, meat, etc. to that. If you don’t want to use protein supplements, you need to start researching on places like bodybuilding dot com to get recommendations for high protein foods, and start reading Nutrition Facts labels for protein content.

          2. I think you might enjoy a personal trainer. She could help you with your weightlifting regimen. The ones I’ve used in the past were also very dialed into nutrition, even more so than dieticians.

             1. While I go to group classes instead of individual training sessions (which are not in my budget, unfortunately), the trainer who teaches tbd classes I go to does act a bit like a health coach. However, my dietician is also part of my gym so they refer any diet specific conversations to her. But, the dietician has a focus on sports and performance!

          3. I’m about your fight and weight and im following similar calories. I’m aiming for .8 grams protein per pound of goal weight minimum which is closer to 100 grams. I’m not hungrier on lifting days.

             Also ymmv but for me I’m lifting. Am I building muscle? Probably not. But the weight training and protein will keep me from losing it. The plan is to hit my goal weight and continue to train when I’m no longer in a calorie deficit. Good luck to you!

          4. I am on the same page with protein powder. I will do them for very particular fitness goals but in general avoid them. (I am also not interested in bulking so its pretty my much All maintenance for me). And I weigh significantly more than you so I have had protein goals as high as 180. It’s hard! I probably average 150-160. I do a lot of meat. A lot of eggs and some Greek yogurt. I think you might really enjoy Muscle Science For Women. It’s super educational and a very interesting course. I learned so much.

             1. Curious as to why you avoid protein powder? I eat it everyday in a drink with spinach and banana. Yummy, filling and meets my goals. Is the downside just that it’s not a whole food or is it something else?

             2. I just prefer whole, traditional foods. like I said I am not militant about it and have sourced a few I think are okay but I don’t love them and don’t favour anything made in a factory. Just my personal approach which is pretty different than a lot here.

       4. i mean the bigger question is why someone who is a size 6 is so intent on losing 10 pounds…

          1. why is this a question? Of course fit active people notice the difference in how 10lbs feels when they are working out.

          2. The real question is why do you feel the need to comment on this? But I’ll humor you:

             Because I’m only 5’4 so when I’m at the larger end of size 6 I’m overweight. Because I’m much more comfortable in my body when I’m at size 2/4. Because I don’t like how I look as a size 6. Because my doctor has requested that I lose weight for health reasons. Because I can move more and feel better physically when I’m not overweight. Because I’m an athlete and have fitness goals that are easier to achieve when I’m not overweight. Because I’m the biggest in my friend group and I’m not comfortable being overweight when my friends are still fit.

             1. Great! All of that would have been helpful info to include in your post. As written, it gave lots of ED alarm bells.

             2. You are projecting wildly, theguvnah. There are a lot of problematic ED posts that have been made over the years, but this isn’t one of them. And none of that info is helpful to her actual question, which is about diet. It is helpful only to your tortured misinterpretation.

             3. No it didn’t. What you wrote originally is fine. Not your fault / problem if others project.

          3. Im about the OPs height. I was about 150lbs when I was a size 6 and that meant my BMI was overweight. My happy size is a 130ish pound size 2/4

             1. I’m also 5’4″ and at 130 I’m a 6, mayyyybe an 8 on the bottom if it’s something fitted. And I carry no weight on top, I’m an AA cup at most. It’s just odd how bodies are so different!

             2. so interesting all the differences. I’m 5’4 and when I was 130 I was a size 00-4; you could see all the bones in my clavicle. My MIL just lost a ton of weight and recently said she’s around 135 but still a size 10-12; she’s only an inch or two taller than me.

          4. Can we not?

    5. As a fellow normal BMI person, when I try to lose weight and lift/exercise at the same time I have to accept that I am going to be hungry. I sip on herbal tea and munch on veggies and find that helps. But really, it makes sense that you are hungry. Your body is working hard to stay the weight it is, and you are working to change it. You are actively taking in few calories than you are burning. There will be some discomfort. I completely cut out alcohol when I’m trying to lose weight, because I find those calories much more satisfying in food form.

       1. Ah nursing 100 calories of red wine over the course of the night is well worth the calories to me!

    6. Whether or not you’re getting enough protein and fat throughout the day (I appreciate that by your count you are, though I agree with others that my impression is you may not be), I’d add some of each to your mid-morning snack. They’ll help with satiety. I also agree with the person who suggested that you just eat more in the morning on days you lift. If keeping your full-day calorie count is important to you, you can just shift some of what you’d usually eat later in the day to the AM; you may find you feel more satisfied all day when you’re refueling more thoroughly early on.

    7. In my experience, if I’m hungry from working out I can eat more food without it impacting weight loss. I’ll eat something healthy, like an apple, veggies and hummus, or a wasa cracker with guacamole spread on top. I’m not eating a ton of extra calories but I am eating more. High fiber snacks are my go-to.

15. I grew up in the foothills of mountains with stick shift, so I know how drive down hills and shift to a lower gear if needed. No ABS. Then I was in cities for a decade with a new car with automatic and ABS. Every time I drive through WVA where they have runaway truck ramps I realize that I can’t tell if the ABS is OK or not and how to keep a safe highway speed without feeling like the car will shake apart. This never used to happen and now I am replacing my rotors annually or regrinding them. It is scary to me. Should I just switch to a Subaru with stick so I know how to do this? I do t know how to fix this “me” problem and am not otherwise a fearful driver (and I City drive daily). This is a route I drive to visit family.

    1. How old is your car?! A “regular” car shouldn’t feel like it going to shake apart like that. Unless it brand new and there’s some other issue, I’d just get a new car, that doesn’t sound normal or safe. And n.b., this is one of many reasons why I think leasing is a good idea – you’ve always got something new and safe to drive.

       1. I can’t begin to think of what you’re describing and I’ve driven in mountains with runaway truck ramps plenty. If you set cruise control on these routes, does the car do it then, too? Lots of automatic SUVs have gear pre-sets that you can play around with – lower gears (within the confines of automatic), “hill” settings, etc – does your vehicle have those and have you tried them?

    2. You can and should still shift into a lower gear when going down mountains/large inclines, even with an automatic car. You should have at least one or two lower gears than your regular “drive” position. This is much safer and it will also save your brakes.

       1. How do you shift gears in an automatic car? Can you safely do it while driving (say you are going normally and then find yourself going down a steep hill? what about when you are then going up down steep hills in succession?)?

          1. Yes! Just move into 2 or 1 and then back into D when it flattens out.

             1. +100. I don’t know why this isn’t taught. The lower the gear, the more the engine throttles down and your car will hold a lower speed without needing to ride the brakes. Usually 3-4 is good for higher, highway speeds, but the number depends on the car. Often, 1-2 are only for very low speeds, and are best for back roads with curves and ~10-15% incline. Low gears are also good for getting out of tricky ground.

    3. Route 64? Yeah that stretch of highway is awful.

       Your car shouldn’t be shaking. I drive an olde that manages fine on the downhills there (the uphills… not so much). Are you riding the brakes? Slamming them too hard?

       Have a mechanic look over the car. If it’s in fine mechanical shape, consider driving those particular hills more slowly – if you crest the hill going 55 mph rather than 70 mph, you won’t need to brake on the downhills (except for exactly one going eastbound).

       Other option – route around WVa. I used to do a rather frequent drive and the “best” route (based on distance and time) was through WVa. I found that going through PA/OH or TN was almost always better, even if it took longer. Easier drive, much less stress, more places to stop for food. Ignore, however, if routing around is nearly impossible.

       1. OP here: yes — I ride the brakes. Then IDK if I do it to the point of warping the rotors or get freaked out by the ABS kicking in. I guess I never learned that I can shift into D2 (or whatever is below D on my gear shifter) in motion or use cruise control this way, but I will try it next time (and that will after I regrind the rotors again). I drove this route a lot with my old beater car and never had this issue.

          1. Oh, my goodness.

             Riding your brakes is terrible for your car and is exactly the reason why you’re having to replace your rotors annually. If you keep abusing your car like this it probably will fall apart. The shaking is happening because you’re applying the brakes inappropriately at high speeds instead of taking your foot off the gas and allowing for natural deceleration to do part of the work for you. Automatic vehicles, especially newer ones, are specifically designed to handle hills/steep grades without too much thought on the part of the driver. You are overthinking things and as a result you’re tearing up your vehicle.

             This is a completely serious suggestion: you should buy some driving lessons from a local driving school or instructor who can go out with you to this stretch of road and help you practice driving your car. It might not be a bad idea to replace your current car with a stick shift – the car probably has some considerable problems anyway, at this point – but you need to learn to drive an automatic car appropriately, in case you have to do it in a rental, or something. And you clearly don’t know how.

          2. Don’t ride your brakes! Pump the brakes. Also, don’t crest at 70 mph – let the mountain slow you down on the last part of the uphill, crest around 55 to 60 mph, **don’t touch the accelerator**, and let gravity give you a free ride down.

16. Is anyone familiar with the postings companies make when they want to hire a non-US citizen and then have to list the pay range? My company is large but has stubbornly been avoiding posting new jobs with pay ranges to match the new California and Washington laws. But they recently posted my exact job as a “we need to hire a foreign person” listing, and the pay range listed there was a smaller band than I’d expect but also started $5k ABOVE what I make now. I’ve been at my company 10 years so fully believe I’m not making what I should but that felt like a slap in the face. Any thoughts on what that posting’s band means? Is it actually the band for that job, or just for what they want to pay the person in question or what? Trying to figure out how hard I need to push with my manager.

    1. Companies do this differently (could be based on the budget or some midpoint or some other number). I think you’d be very justified in asking about it since ‘we’re willing to pay a non citizen more money than a qualified American’ is not a great spot for them to be in.

    2. I don’t think this is a citizenship thing. I think it’s common to pay external hires more than people who were promoted internally. It’s part of why people move around to get more money.

       1. In this case it’s specifically a required posting they made as part of the process for hiring a non citizen. It’s not about that part, just about the salary range in the posting (which is a required part of posting for that process) starting above my own salary. I don’t want to leave but also am not interested in being paid significantly less than they are willing to pay others. I know I’m good, have been in the job a while, and just got a great review. Don’t want to leave but want them to know I will if they make me.

          1. Is the posting for your same location? There is high variability still in location based salaries, even allowing for remote work. Also, does the posting ask for graduate education or certifications above what you have?

             If not, the last 1-2 years as a hiring manager has been crazy. I think the market has tightened but people were asking for more than what I would make as their manager, and supposedly getting it at competitor companies. If that’s the case, you can ask for a salary adjustment, but you may also need to leave.

17. I remember my mom had Color Me Beautiful and it is obvious to me that I am a Winter (brown hair, pale but ruddy skin). I need to add a note to myself: you cannot wear medium colors even if they are Winter colors. That light gray Etsuko dress? It would look great on your sister (a blond summer). It does not look good on you and you always have to wear that black coatigan over it so that there is enough contrast (otherwise, you look very meh, color-wise).

    Let the purging begin. I am tired of wearing interesting scarves (etc.) to avoid the cadaver effect of bad colors.

    1. I support you in purging clothes you don’t like but I’ll just say that I adore scarves and think they can look very chic as a pop of color on an otherwise neutral/monochrome outfit. They’re also great for the ‘old money’ or ‘coastal grandma’ look.

    2. I support this goal. I’ve gotten more into my color type in the last year, and once I accepted that I am a summer that is never, ever going to look good in brights and high-contrast looks, everything got much easier. No wonder I always felt like I was wearing a costume when I tried black-and-white looks. Bring on the rosey tones, mid-tones, and blues. Now, I don’t deny that the vibe is different, but I honestly feel better about myself.

       1. I will swap you my gray for your black-and-whites. Moira Rose is my spirit animal.

18. I’ve been divorced 4 years from my ex-husband after 19 years of marriage, and we have 50:50 custody of our son who is in middle school. My ex was emotionally abusive to me, and I’ve been through a lot of therapy, but I’m not in therapy now. We used to have regular in-person or phone call co-parenting meetings but I have switched to more grey-rock style email communication after some incidents where he raged at me or was controlling. Examples include using the bigger size of his body to block me in my house doorway to continue a conversation, and punching a wall while demanding that I inform him of things in my personal life. When other people are around, he sometimes puts on a show of being involved in our son’s life, and he keeps up with his end of the 50:50 custody. However sometimes he kind of “checks out” on parent responsibilities, and has missed important things like scout courts of honor and some parent-teacher meetings.
    I just went through the process of our son’s first ARD at his school, which included a couple of 2 – 3 hour-long meetings, assessments with speech therapists, diagnosticians, psychologists, and counselors, and lots of paperwork. Our son has a new diagnosis and some accommodations that will hopefully help him improve academically and socially. My ex did not attend any of those meetings or complete any of the paperwork. He received all communication from the school through a shared email address we use for this purpose. I feel torn about whether I should inform him about the results of the ARD process, or just let him find out eventually when he bothers to read his emails. I feel like he will rage either way, but I also feel like I should make an effort to discuss the new diagnosis. Has anyone dealt with this sort of person and have advice?

    1. Can you say more about why you feel obliged to go out on this limb? It sounds to me like no good can come from this. He has all the information at his disposal.

       1. Agreed. In an ideal world you two would be able to discuss this, but he’s repeatedly shown that it’s not an ideal world. Protect yourself, OP.

          And also sometimes it helps to have a session or two of therapy when something new like this comes up, just to check in and re-set your perceptions of what’s normal and appropriate.

    2. Have you read any books on codependency? It sounds like you are trying to rescue him. If he has access to those emails, and chose not to read them, and could have attended the meetings, but chose not to, he has put himself in the situation of not having this important information. It’s not your job to make sure something gets to him that he’s chosen to ignore and not he a part of. Your job is to protect yourself emotionally (and it sounds like potentially physically) and to make sure your son gets all the help and support he needs.

       My dad was emotionally abusive to my mom in a very similar way, and they got divorced after 17 years. Unfortunately, none of her rescue attempts or contorting herself could ever fix him or make him behave appropriately. This is how he was wired, and only he could do the work to get better.

       It sounds like maybe you want your ex to be a good father to your son, and it’s really noble that you’re trying to do acrobatics to get him to be. But unfortunately, you can’t control his behavior or make him more involved. All you can do is observe, take stock of what he is able to do, and then adjust accordingly. It may be that you have to let go of some hopes about him being able to be better and to focus more energy on doing more of the coparenting than 50-50. But don’t light yourself on fire trying to keep someone else warm. If your husband is as abusive as he sounds, it may be best for your son to have you as the dominant parental presence in his life for the time being. You don’t need to try to create a situation (50-50) that isn’t possible right now, and is in no way within your ability to control.

    3. OP, I practice school law, if this perspective helps, and as you know your ex has equal access to educational records. You have no additional obligations. He has to put his own effort into parenting your child. Do not let him rage at you! Not sure whether you are in public or private school, but he needs his own means of communication with the school, not through a shared email, and you both need parenting software to communicate through with each other. His interactions with your child’s education are unfortunately out of your control.

       For gut checks and knowing you are not alone, the Chump Lady forum can be very helpful.

    4. Don’t initiate. In case he asks, prep a short email (like 5 sentences or less) that you keep in your own email account draft folder in order to have something ready to send so you don’t stress out if he asks you. Make it as grey rock as possible.

       Like “Teacher noted ABC and XYZ. If you’d like more detail that, her email is FGH. Speech Pathologist recommended weekly sessions on Tuesdays. Her email is ABC if Tuesdays don’t work for you.”

19. Go anon and tell us a secret you wouldn’t tell IRL. I’m wanting to tell things in another post but don’t want to be the only one.

    1. I have COVID and my anxieties about my relationship are spiraling out of control. I feel like I won’t ever be able to trust anyone or feel safe in love, even though nothing has happened.

       1. Is the anxiety related to covid or are these two unrelated things?

    2. I have long COVID and my physical pain and neuropathy is much worse than I let on to my friends. Mostly because I already feel like crap from not being able to socialize much due to fatigue and brain fog, I feel like people treat me with pity but also try to put distance between me and my misfortune and themselves enough as it is, and I don’t want to stop interacting with what little friends I have left.

       1. This is actually the secret that most people with chronic illnesses share. We fake it all the time… but we’re not faking being sick, we’re faking that we feel well! We do it so that we can keep our jobs, keep our friends, and sometimes just to keep ourselves going.

          1. Same

             1. Another one of us here.

       2. I am so sorry.

          It is so sad how uncomfortable most people are with illness/disability/bad news.

          Hoping that things get better with you, and that you have access to a long COVID clinic at a nearby academic hospital.

    3. I think I was wrong to have my cat euthanized. I don’t think it alleviated his suffering in any meaningful way, and I’m very confident it was done against his will. I don’t know why I just did “what one does” in this situation, or why I didn’t start making demands when they said they wouldn’t bother to at least give pain relief first.

       1. I’m so sorry.

    4. Age 42 and basically single forever. Wasn’t as big of a deal pre pandemic but in the last 3 years I am starved for touch like hugs. I know people are back to normal life but I’m still covid worried for a variety of health reasons so it’s not like I’m meeting up with a friend and exchanging hugs. Mostly because the few friends I have are totally back to normal so I just make excuses rather than going out to restaurants or whatever – so I see exactly no one. To the point where last time I went to doctors and they did an abdominal exam or b exam on my chest, I didn’t mind that – no I didn’t act weird about it, they’re just professionals doing their jobs but it’s sad.

       1. Aww virtual hugs. Can you tell your friends you’re cautious and would rather meet outside? Most people I know aren’t that Covid cautious anymore but would be happy to meet a friend outdoors (in nice weather). Not everyone likes dining outside, but it doesn’t have to be a meal. You could go for a walk or a hike. I know there are a lot of people on this board who are really snide about anyone who’s still being cautious, but that’s not my experience in real life, even in a crowd that has largely moved on from the pandemic. People aren’t going to want to eat outside in 20 degree weather but most people will be happy to hang out outside when the weather is decent.

       2. Can you find a massage therapist who wears an N95? I’m quite cautious and I have a home visit massage therapist: we are both masked and I have windows open and a purifier running (and a heated throw to keep me warm).

    5. I’m getting my tubes removed! I am so friggin excited! I can’t tell anyone IRL about it though since I’ll be seen as a wench and my reasoning would deeply offend people. I’m just so happy though, I’ve wanted this for so long.

       1. Good for you!!!
          Someone on this board recommended a wedge pillow for salp removal. Get one!

          1. *salp recovery

       2. Unless your reasoning is “my fiancé desperately wants kids, I don’t, he would not marry me if I got my tubes removed so I’m going to do it and not tell him and by the time we are down the aisle, it’s too late,” I’m struggling to see why it would offend people.

          1. This. Childfree by choice is hardly an unpopular stance here.

       3. Good on you!

       4. I had my tubes removed a few years ago. I felt so liberated when I woke up from surgery. Five stars, would recommend. And now there’s research suggesting it may reduce the chance of ovarian cancer. I hope your procedure goes well!

    6. I’m casually gardening with a man which is something I never thought I would do. It’s fun and easy and we have a great time together and then I can go home and not worry about texting him. I’m 34 and I want a husband and kids so I feel like I need to be solely focused on that but I have been and it hasn’t worked out so maybe just letting myself have fun isn’t terrible?

       1. Good for you. If I could go back in time I’d have way more s&x for fun.

       2. Team it’s not terrible at all. Go get it and enjoy!

       3. Eh, I’d say have fun.

    7. No body IRL knows that I get botox!

       1. Except for my [adult] daughters, me neither.

    8. The post above made me think of this one. On the surface, I am very amicably divorced and cooperatively co-parent with my ex. I never say anything bad about him except in therapy or to my new husband, when the child is not in our home (too worried they will overhear). We were together for many years and have overlapping social circles, so I always worry that anything I say to friends will get back to him. But secretly, every single time I have to interact with him, I wish he was dead. I don’t necessarily want him to suffer, but I just want him out of my life completely and permanently. I don’t actually wish for that because he is a good parent to our child (unlike the dad in the post above!), but oh my god would I do a secret little dance in my head if something fatal befell him.

       1. I am also very amicably divorced. My ex and I are friends and great coparents, and I enjoy having him in my life. He and my current spouse are also friendly. Still, his existence and presence in our life creates tension in my current marriage. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why. It’s just tough when this person who was once “the love of your life” is still around.

    9. I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake when I married my husband. We don’t fight and our day to day is good, but I’m not sure we have the same vision for what we want our future to look like.

       1. These past few years have been a really weird stretch of time for me to envision any concrete future. I hope this is something you can keep talking about.

    10. I’m pregnant! I will tell people eventually, but I’m doing this alone and haven’t shared with anyone yet. I’m so excited and scared

        1. congrats and you’ll be great. I hope you have loving support system

20. Anybody making anything fun for Valentine’s Day – treats, dinner, whatever? We have some scallops in the freezer and that’s as far as I’ve gotten.

    1. We usually make heart shaped pizzas and I bake something for dessert.

    2. I might make a heart-shaped pizza for the kiddos. I also like to make a special Valentine’s day dessert. Sometimes it’s decorated cutout cookies, other times it’s a decadent cake that I wouldn’t make otherwise.

    3. Red and “white” heart ravioli from Costco, and doing to do a family chocolate fondue night – I’m making a pound cake and will have fruit and pretzels.

       1. Ooh, this just gave me an idea – we have a pasta roller that doesn’t get enough use and it’d be so fun to make a batch of regular and a batch with beet and cut them into heart-shaped ravioli. Might have to do that.

          1. FYI if you are feeling lazy, if you cook any pasta in water colored red (or pink) with food coloring, it will turn that color. I do this for many holidays for my son’s lunch. I am a food color aficionado though.

          2. This is so adorable and exactly the kind of thing you should be taking joy in doing right before your baby arrives!

    4. Snarky valentines for my office BFFs.

    5. I’m away but we’ve got a meal kit for the night before that’s somehow valentine’s themed? Maybe some chocolate cake. My parents are in town to cover the school hols, so we’ll get a date (a feminist retelling of Macbeth) on Saturday.
       My husband has an appt at the urologist on the actual day, not sure he appreciated my “well, at least someone is feeling you up!”

    6. Nothing. My husband and I have never celebrated, so it’s only been something I’ve made a big deal out of with my kid (heart-shaped foods, etc) and my kid and I are going to be out of town on a special birthday trip. Might try to get a heart-shaped donut but nothing homemade.

       1. Same.

    7. We have an appointment at the Costco tire center, lol. I guess running errands together is a love language?

       1. *swoon*

       2. Threadjack to a threadjack – we need tires on one of the cars. Does the discount on tires make the Costco membership worthwhile? We live in a small apartment so we can’t buy much stuff in bulk.

          1. I honestly don’t know what’s a good deal, this is the first car I’ve ever owned. Its $900 for four tires including install after applying a $150 promotion discount (no idea how often these run). It’s a compact car. It seemed reasonable to me and I trust Costco enough to do minimal price comparison research on certain things.

             We don’t have a tiny apartment but are a two person household and the membership works out for me. Just buying basics (pantry items, snacks, coffee, shampoo, gas) is enough to break even on the membership. Extras (booze, exercise clothes, home goods) make it a good deal, although not good enough for the executive membership. Our Costco is 20 mins away and we go maybe 5 times a year.

    8. No cooking here. I will be at either a committee meeting or a school fundraiser, depending on whether the committee meeting is rescheduled not because of Valentine’s Day but because of a VIP’s unrelated availability.

    9. not making anything but going out for a galentines dinner even tho two of us have SOs

    10. Got a bottle of sparkling rose and some forced bulbs that are already blooming. Hoping to pick up some local chocolates still. I had picked up some lamb chops, but we already ate them, so I’ll have to get something else that’s out of the ordinary for us.

    11. We’re going to watch Titanic in 3D.

21. Help me plan a weekend alone in Philly? Open to hotels, restaurants, things to do! Later this month, may or may not rent a car.

    1. I’m about to head into a meeting but will post recs later.

       1. I don’t really have hotel recs, since I live here but I don’t think one hotel has a much better location than the others. I did hang out in a friend’s room at Hotel Monaco once and that was lovely, but that’s the only time I’ve been in a hotel in Philly.

          If you want to do historic stuff, know that Independence Hall requires a free timed ticket that you’ll need to get in advance. I believe Liberty Bell doesn’t need a ticket, but has a line that can get quite long. The Constitution Center is interesting, and definitely walk through Elfreth’s Alley. I’ve heard good things about the Museum of the American Revolution, but have not been. Other interesting museums include the Art Museum, the Barnes Museum, and the Mutter Museum (medical oddities).

          Walking along the river (Schuylkill River Trail, Boathouse Row, Kelly Drive) is lovely, as is walking in the Wissahickon. There are several scenic neighborhoods to walk through: Rittenhouse, Washington Square, Fairmount, Old City, Society Hill. I also enjoy walking through Fishtown and Passyunk, they’re both cool neighborhoods.

          Tons of good food options in Philly: The Reading Terminal is awesome and absolutely lives up to the hype, Harp and Crown, El Vez, Suraya, Goldie, and (if you can get a reservation) Zahav are all very popular, for good reason. Do NOT get a cheesesteak from Pat’s or Geno’s. Any local pizza place does a good one!

    2. I don’t think you need a car. I love the Kimpton Palomar hotel near Rittenhouse. Go to Parc, Tallulahs Garden, Positano, Morgan’s Pier (weather permitting) Zahav (if you can get in), and Rouge for a drink. Also go to the art museum. If it’s nice out, check out a beer garden if you’re into that. I like independence hall. You can also check out South Philly Tap room and Standard Tap if you’re into beer.

    3. If you stay at the Kimpton, ask for a room on the corner from which you can see the Liberty bell building and Independence Hall lit up at night. It was super cool.

    4. A car is a complete waste of time unless you want to get OUT of the city.

       What types of things are you interested in? History? Art? Walking or cycling to explore? Fave types of food?

       1. Yeah I’m not from Philly but I didn’t get that either. You definitely don’t need a car to see the city.

          1. Ugh when you’re used to Texas, you forget public transit exists. Thanks for the reminder!

             1. I don’t even think you’ll need to use public transit that much – the central area is very walkable.

             2. Even without public transportation (and I do love SEPTA), Philly is so walkable. I’m the first Anon poster and I walk to everywhere I mentioned except the wissahickon

    5. If you have unlimited money, stay at the Four Seasons. If you’re like the rest of us, would recommend in Rittenhouse Square or close to it – it is the most accessible location to the major attractions (the Parkway, the Art Museum, Kelly Drive, Boathouse Row, Old City). Kimpton Palomar or the Hyatt Centric City are comfortable and well-reviewed. The Monaco is gorgeous, but I don’t find Old City to be all that accessible to the rest of the city unless you want to ride transit.
       Drinks – Jean Georges Sky High if you want a great view of the city; Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Ranstead Room for cocktails; Good Dog if you just want to have a beer
       See / Do – The Barnes is a must if you like art; there’s also a Jasper Johns exhibits going on at the Philadelphia Museum of Art; if it is nice, head out to Kelly Drive and go for a stroll; there is a farmers’ market every Saturday from 10-2 in Rittenhouse Square that is nice to peruse; check out the concern calendars operated by WXPN and R5 Production if live music is your thing; you could also catch a 76ers game if they are in town and you don’t mind riding the subway.
       Eat – I personally think the best food is in South Philly but there’s plenty of excellent options in Center City – Bar Bombon, Charlie was a Sinner, and Vedge if you’re vegan; Han Dynasty if you are craving Sichuan; Bud & Marilyn’s or Rex at the Royal if you want Southern fare; falafel sandwiches at Goldie; Vernick for dinner if you can get a reservation

22. Looking to buy a rowing machine secondhand. Any brands/models you like? Not looking to spend a ton of money on one right now. Hoping to find something on FB marketplace!

    1. Rowing is my favorite! Concept2 is the gold standard.

    2. If you can find one second-hand, Concept is the gold standard, IMO, if you want an air rower and not a water-rower.

    3. I love my water tower. The sound is very soothing, which causes me to use it more.

    4. Aa a former rower, Concept2 or bust!

    5. Another vote for a concept 2. We’ve had ours for six years now and it’s going strong.

    6. No the OP, but does anyone have experience with rowing machines in an apartment or townhouse? I would love to get one but am worried about being a terrible upstairs neighbor.

       1. Another vote for Concept 2, and that one is very quiet and I can’t imagine would even be heard by your downstairs neighbors. Maybe when you’re standing it up/moving it around your apartment, but just don’t do that during off hours.

       2. Eh, it’s not totally silent but not as loud as a treadmill. It makes noise when I move it across tile but that’s like 30 seconds, tops.

       3. I have a Concept 2 and have used it in two different apartments prior to moving into my townhouse (where I am still using it). It’s quieter than a water rower, and have explicitly asked whether neighbors can hear, and they cannot.

          Like the other poster, I don’t move it at odd hours, in case I bump something when I do.

       4. I used my Concept2 in my previous NYC apartment (on hardwood) and never got any complaints. I did avoid super early mornings/late nights, but I was doing it during 2020/2021 when many people were home during the day.

    7. I have a concept 2D. Very nice

    8. I average 100,000 meters per month on my Concept 2 – love that thing so much! Also, I live in an apartment and it’s quiet – sounds like a white noise machine or fan. My downstairs neighbors told me they can’t hear it at all when I asked.

23. Cover me, ladies, I’m going in. Will report back after I have Done The Thing…

    1. You’ve got this!

       1. We’re on strike tomorrow and thursday so I’m trying to do all the things before that happens. Which totally defeats the point of a strike but I’m so behind.

          1. I stand in solidarity with you and your coworkers, Cb!

    2. I’m ready in the getaway car! JK

    3. Whew! Mountains of paperwork OFF MY DESK so now I can go on vacation!!

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