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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ellen
Elizabeth, I also love these cute super slim pants, and you are so lucky to only be 34 and presumably still have a flat tuchus! I do see, unfortunately, that these are now only available in sizes 10-22, and those are to big for me (even with my tuchus). I know you’re an attorney so I am guessing you are still svelte, and that is important. All I can advise is for you to enjoy your youth, but DO make sure to line up a decent guy NOW to marry and impregnate you in the next year or so, as it gets more and more difficult to find a worthwhile man who will do this. You do NOT want to do the in-vitro thing, and sperm banks often mix up whose sperm you get, even if you got the right guy to make a deposit for you. Grandma Trudy says the best sperm bank is you, where your boyfriend “can only make a direct deposit!” Grandma Trudy is so cute, but she got that right the first time, Mom says, and I now subscribe to that theory.
I’ve already met my August billing numbers, so the manageing partner told me I can take the rest of the month off, and do NOT have to start billeing again until Tuesday, so I can have fun over Labor Day! YAY!!!!
Anon
Tj-
After the birth of my 2nd child a few months ago, I have started to have issues with my parents that live across the country. After a lot of reflection it’s clear that while some of the issues are theirs, some are also very much mine (I am disappointed that they aren’t as supportive as I’d hoped they’d be, or interested in spending time in my new hometown, and then juxtapose this with a feeling of jealousy with how they are currently interacting with my brother (nothing to do with him- he’s great and our relationship is also good)…. and in either event when I’ve tried to bring it up with them, my parents don’t think they have a problem… they think it’s all me. The last trip there I cried nearly every day and would have flown home early if I could.
I love them dearly and want to continue a relationship with them, but am struggling hardcore with this new normal. Anyway, this is a long winded request for reccs for therapists in the DMV who deal with extended family issues and will help me figure out coping mechanisms.
Also, strategies on visiting family on a different state with young kids (and no support there) without losing your mind? If we lived closer, I wouldn’t feel the pressure to stay for a week… one thing I’ve considered is doing a group trip somewhere, but that’s also expensive and I’m worried is just be miserable and paying money to be miserable.
anon
So. This might sound crazy, but if you spend the whole time there crying, why are you visiting them at all? It sounds dreadful for you and for them. Just skip it. There’s no law that says you have to spend time with your family.
Also have you been screened for PPD?
BeenThatGuy
After I became a mother, I realized how dysfunctional my relationship with my parents was/is. After many miserable visits, and lots of therapy, I decreased our visits to once a year and bi-monthly phone calls. It works for me and I’m much happier. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.
Anonymous
Yes definitely get screened for PPD/A. It’s hard to give much advice here, but just crying for days is extreme. Do you have a spouse? Was he or she also there?
KT19
Putting this here so it’s higher up in the thread but it applies equally to most of the initial responses below: the OP is asking for THERAPIST REFERRALS not diagnosis or tips on how to handle herself or her parents.
KT19
Oops! Sorry, just saw that she is, in fact, asking for strategies on the trip. However, I think her initial instinct to ask for the therapist referral is the most important one. OP – wait on trying to plan out strategies, etc. until you talk to a therapist or even your OB if you’re concerned about PPD.
Anon
Visiting my parents is a lot less stressful for me than “vacationing” with them. When they’re on vacation they refuse to do anything baby-related and so basically I’m just taking care of a baby all the time and miserable that I’m not doing anything fun. At their house they do more baby care (though still not a lot) and I’m less disappointed about staying home because I grew up there and their town isn’t that exciting. Just my two cents. I went to Hawaii with my parents when my daughter was 11 months old, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that flying solo with my infant daughter (16 hours in transit each way) was more fun than being in Hawaii with my parents. Never again.
Anon
I think this depends a lot on your family. A vacation with my parents is the second best option, behind having them visit me. The very worst is visiting their home. They are borderline hoarders, their house is a mess and very dirty. It isn’t safe for kids, and they are unwilling to change anything to make it safe for kids. On top of that, something about being back in my childhood home has always made me regress to a teenager.
I would consider what started the crying. Is it unmet expectations (that they will want to visit you, be more involved with your kids)? If so, therapy is the best option. You need to reset your expectations, because you can’t change them. Is it something else about being back home? Maybe meeting on in a new location would help.
Anon
Fair enough. I stay in a hotel when we visit my parents (no guilt trip because my parents live in a tiny home and literally don’t have any space for guests). I agree I might feel differently if I had to stay in their home.
Anonymous
Oh I’m so sorry you’re struggling. No specific recommendations just reassurance this is a common struggle and lots of therapists are going to be able to help.
Anon
You don’t have to stay a week! You don’t have to do a group trip! Don’t do anything that makes you miserable.
anon
Commiseration – I have a very similar situation. We live across the country from my family (also in the DMV!) and my parents are very close to my brother and his family. They have daily interactions and my parents are totally involved in their lives and are there for 24/7 childcare and meals whenever they need it. They don’t like city life and don’t love visiting me, which is hard. I have also thought about meeting up on vacations, because when we go visit, no one really drops their life (or even takes any time off of work) to hang out with us. Its been really hurtful and they don’t really even notice. So, ya, no solutions, but just know its not only you.
Anonymous
Do you consult them on your travel dates if you expect them to take time off? DH’s mom shows up during January – April for a week and expects him to take time off when it is by far his busiest time and he can’t take time off. Similarly, she visits his brother who is a high school teacher and doesn’t seem to understand why he can’t take time off during the school year.
anon
Hi – I’m anon 9:32 – we definitely check in regarding dates and availability. We also try to collaborate on making plans and getting tickets for events, but things seem to always fall apart. Or, they just want to do stuff on their timeline even though we agreed to meet up at a specific time, they will show up 2 hours late when our kids are starting to meltdown.
Anon
This! Tell your parents that if they want to spend a week with you, they can come to your side of the country.
Anonymous
Am I reading correctly that you have a baby just a few months old, another young child, and you’ve already flown across the country to spend a week with your parents? if that were me, I’d be a wreck, too. I’d be tired, exhausted, and have no emotional reserves. My relationship with my parents might be great, but in that condition, I simply wouldn’t be able to cope with anything — no matter how small — that went wrong.
All that to say, can you give yourself some space to breathe, heal, readjust to life with a brand-new baby, and cope in general, and just let the stuff with your parents or a brother or a group trip . . . go. For now.
Hope you find a therapist who can help, and yes, keep an awareness open for PPD as well.
Anon
+1 You were a champ and tried to do it, it made you miserable, don’t do it again. Suggest they come visit you, and then see how that goes. You mentioned they don’t seem into flying across the country to see their daughter and their grandchildren. That’s their choice. You are not into flying across the country to see them, so don’t– that’s your choice.
I would refuse (and I have refused) to fly with a toddler and a baby. I’m not magic. I can’t do it and I don’t want to. If someone, including my parents, wants to see me and my family, they can come see us. But I don’t want to do that with such small children and there’s no reason to put yourself through that. And if they won’t come see you, well, problem solved.
Anonymous
I think you have to let go of the expectation that they will visit you a lot. We live in my hometown. DH moved her so we use a lot of our vacation time visiting his family – usually twice a year. His mom visits once a year and his brother visits maybe every 5 years. My sister lives away and comes home less often. We don’t go to visit her more than once every five years. A lot of people expect the person who ‘left’ to do the visiting.
That said, you have to figure out what ‘visiting’ looks like. We now stay at an airbnb close by and spend lots of time at DH’s mom’s house (right next to his brother). Staying at his mom’s or brother’s just resulted in people getting stressed with each other with so many people in a tight space. I found an AirBnB that works for our family. Generally we have breakfast at the AirBnb and then meet up for an activity or go over to their house for the day. DH will often stop back after the kids are in bed to have a visit one on one with his mom or brother. I’m happy to stay at the AirBnB with the kids and get some quiet time. It doesn’t mean you have to stay an AirBnB – figure out what works for you. My sister still stays with our parents when she visits but she will generally visit for a week max each year whereas DH and I AirBNB but stay two weeks on one visit and an extended long weekend if we can get in a second visit.
Also, parents are imperfect. I’ve had to let go of how I thought my parents would be as grandparents. It’s hard when I see friends with very close relationships. In some ways, I am less close with them now than before I had kids even though I see them much more frequently.
Anon
Consider doing several long weekends/year instead of a long trip each time. I know you will pay more in airfare but your sanity is worth it.
I don’t have kids yet and I only moved driving distance (one state, 3 hours) away from parents but I really thought as they entered the aging and needing help years they would move closer to me. We have even offered to fund a lot of this but they won’t do it. They’ve lived in the same house 40+ years and they don’t want to leave it. I get sad when I think about how much more I could see them and help them if we only lived closer to each other.
I read something here (or on the mom’s page) that resonated with me. The person that moved away has the burden of doing the visiting. So, if I had stayed in my hometown and my parents decided to move to Florida, they should be the ones to come visit me. Since I moved away from them, I should be the one to go visit them.
I’m not saying this to get you to visit them more. I’m saying that to help with your expectation that they should be visiting you more.
Hugs.
Anonymous
Yeah I think lots of us make this assumption and it’s really unfair. Why should they move away from a home they’ve cherished for 40 years, their community, their friends, their routines, everything they know?
Anonymous
IDK — I come from a family where some have for generations been flinging ourselves around the globe. I expect that my kids will do the same for some/all of their adult lives. I guess b/c I have grown up travelling to see relatives (who have also travelled to see me), that I would expect that as the older, richer person who isn’t busy starting out in life that I’d be visiting my kids in their new places a lot more than they’d come home (and who knows, I might move in retirement, and not necessarily closer to them at first). Also, our city is big and quite nice, but kind of a snooze (it’s the opposite what what people say of NYC: a nice place to live but I wouldn’t want to visit).
It may be different if all of your people are in one place and you’re the odd man out.
PolyD
I think the assumption that the person who moved has to do all the travel is unfair. I can see the burden being weighted a bit more toward the mover, but it’s unfair to not expect the people who stayed to do any travel either, barring financial or serious logistical difficulties.
I moved away and I usually get back to where my parents live once or twice a year (always at Christmas; used to go once in the fall, too, but that has slowed down some due to work things). I have NOT traveled for Christmas twice in 20+ years and it’s kind of a pain, honestly. My parents travel a lot, so money and health were not issues (although my dad is slowing down some).
My boyfriend’s parents hardly ever came to visit him (where they live is a fairly short, not too expensive, direct flight away). His mom didn’t like to travel, so he had to go to them 4-5 times a year. I feel like they could have made more of an effort, and it did hurt his feelings that they hardly ever came to visit (finances and logistics/health were not serious issues). His mom died a few years ago, so his dad makes it out here a couple of times a year, which is nice.
But heck, my mother and the boyfriend’s parents were all immigrants who I don’t think saw their own parents more than maybe once again after they moved, before the parents died, so maybe I have a different view on these things.
rosie
I agree that’s it’s harsh to say that the person who moved should bear the burden of the travel. Why should I bear a disproportionate share of the travel because my family chose to settle somewhere that doesn’t have the opportunities I want to pursue? Plus, when you’re not from the same hometown as your spouse and don’t settle in either one, that’s a huge travel burden on a young family once you have kids.
I think that there are different seasons in life and in some seasons it will be easier to travel than in others. It’s nice when both parties acknowledge that and try accommodate versus seeing that the party who moved abandoned the other and has an obligation to do all the travel.
Anonymous
You asked, “Why should I bear a disproportionate share of the travel because my family chose to settle somewhere that doesn’t have the opportunities I want to pursue?” But, if you left, you are the reason that travel is required at all, so why should others have to pay thousands in travel costs to support your career preferences? Or use their vacation time to visit you instead of whatever vacation destinations they are interested in visiting. In terms of the spouses from different places issue, DH and I are from different cities and we moved to my home city specifically so that we would have only one set of family to travel to visit.
Ellen
You say that your mother and the boyfreind’s parents were immigrants from the old country. That kind of makes Dad and me think that there is a distinct possibility that your mom and the boyfriend’s parents did not come to visit with you and your boyfriend b/c they were deeply disappointed that you neither married your boyfriend nor gave any of them grandchildren? I suppose it is no to late for you to do much of anything about it, and you may not agree with us, but we are just saying that this is a very distinct possibility.
Anon
I also disagree with the assumption that the person who moved away always has to be the one who visited. In a family, I think it should be the person who can most easily travel. This takes in to account who works and who is retired and who has vacation days, who can afford the cost of travel, whether a person’s health is sufficient to travel, who has space to host, what other family are involved (does one person have young kids, is the majority of family in one area). And, assuming health isn’t an issue, I think both sides should make an effort. My mom comes to visit me about 3 times a year and I visit her about 2 times a year.
Anonymous
Yes. This. I moved away from my parents to go to college; later they moved to a town near me and my family; last year they moved away. I don’t think it’s all on them to come visit us just because they moved away; I actually think the best thing with geographically separated families is to try to split it up so the burden of traveling is somewhat equalized. I do think in my situation,they should shoulder more of the burden of visiting because they are both retired and have literally no obligations (they designed their life this way) whereas my husband and I work high-level jobs, our son is still in school, and we have pets that need care when we leave town. That idea got no traction with them. It “disrupts their life” to travel and so we should come to them. The end result of this is we don’t see them very often, but I’m fine with it. I don’t feel like indulging selfishness is something I want to spend energy doing.
Anonymous
I don’t think the advice – whoever moves has to visit – really applies in the parent/child context. When you’re a young adult, typically your parents are in a much better position to spend the time and money on a visit. Most entry level jobs aren’t exactly giving you loads of PTO and disposable income. The burden shifts later in life – when you’re more advanced in your career and have PTO and meaningful income, your parents are older and possibly not physically able to travel (easily), so it makes more sense for you to go to them. I’d rather deal with a screaming toddler on a plane than risk mom breaking a hip trying to navigate the airport with the bag she should’ve checked.
Anon
So did your parents stay in the same town and then you moved across the county? If so, then it’s on you to visit. If the primary source of your angst with then is that they’re not dropping everything to come visit you in your new city, you need to get real about that.
I’m not saying this to be harsh. I’m trying to tell you what is normal/typical so that you don’t feel like your parents are being uncaring compared to most.
Anon
This seems like an odd take to me. If you care about maintaining a relationship with someone who lives far away, visits go both ways barring extenuating circumstances like one party lacking funds or not being physically able to travel (and I would argue that a tiny baby is actually an extenuating circumstance in favor of her parents visiting her more than she visits them). All the adult children I know have their parents visit at least occasionally, even though in most cases the children moved away from the parents town when they went to college.
Anonymous
She’s not saying that the parents never visit. She’s providing perspective for the OP that OP’s parents are not unusual in that they don’t visit OP a lot and expect OP to return home for visits. It’s pretty common for the person who left to return more often than the visits go in the other direction.
I’m not planning to burn through my retirement travel fund visiting my kids constantly. I have lots of places I would like to visit and I don’t plan to totally change that just because they choose to live in a random city.
Anon
I guess I just don’t agree with “It’s pretty common for the person who left to return more often than the visits go in the other direction.” That hasn’t been my experience or the experience of most of my friends.
rosie
Yes to Anon @12:07. I feel like visits in the best/healthiest relationships I see are based on practical factors that may change over time, not a hard and fast rule that is rooted in who abandoned who.
Anon
Practically speaking you typically have more than your parents near your hometown. You have whichever siblings settled there, and often aunts, uncles, cousins and if you’re lucky, grandparents. So when you are the one who moves away, yes the visits are weighted toward going “back home” rather than expecting that all these different groups will visit you regularly.
I realize some of you are defensive about this but this is how it has worked for generations. I also moved away and I was always the one doing the visits. Was it stressful and hard when my kids were little? Yes. But it was on me. It didn’t mean my mom didn’t love me (my dad died when i was in my 20s). It just meant that it was a price I was expected to pay for being the one who moved. She didn’t like traveling, she didn’t like cities, and she didn’t like sleeping in beds that weren’t her adjustable bed (hip problems).
My mom died a couple of years ago and I’m glad I didn’t let who-traveled-to-whom get in the way of us having a good relationship.
Anon
I think this is probably cultural to come degree. None of my parents or their siblings lived in the same town as their parents, and there was never any expectation that my siblings or I would settle permanently near them. You move away for college and there’s no expectation you move back. When you move away for college, you’re not “abandoning” your family, you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, which is leave the nest and go be an independent adults. I went to a college that had a very national student body, and it was a similar culture for most of my friends – you grow up with your family, then you move (quite possibly across the country) for college and after college you go where personal relationships and career opportunities take you, and everyone in my family understood it was unlikely that career opportunities would bring us back to the rural, mostly-farmland Midwestern state where we grew up. However, for many people who lived in this state, it was where their families roots were and had been for generations. The overwhelming majority of my high school classmates went to the local state universities for college, got married right after graduation and settled down with their young families near their parents. Neither approach is better or worse, just different cultures, but I don’t think there’s any expectation in the culture of my college peers that the person who moved does all the visiting.
Seventh Sister
My family is scattered all across the country, and while I think I my parents might have been happier if I’d picked a career in a major city a little closer to them, all of my relatives are pretty understanding of the job market realities that have made us all move. My great-grandparents lived in what is now a literal ghost town. One relative in my mom’s generation still lives in her hometown (and it’s a small state capital with a university so hardly a rural hamlet).
We all try to make an effort, but I am very grateful that my parents haven’t pulled the kind of emotional blackmail stuff that my in-laws pull over “what do you MEAN you can’t visit us on some Tuesday night when we are hosting some cousin you’ve never met because it’s three hours in traffic?” (My in-laws are retired and have a much more flexible schedule.) And there definitely are cultural factors at play, but we aren’t a family of uncaring a-holes either.
anon
For therapist recommendations–I would just start calling them. I have been to therapy off and on for more than 15 years in three different cities. It is always hard to get started but, in my experience, it simply takes making LOTS of initial phone calls (like 10+) and then waiting to hear back, scheduling an initial appointment, having that first appointment to see if you click at all, and then just taking a leap for a few months. I think dealing with extending family issues is a pretty universal thing for them to deal with, but it never hurts to tell them a bit about what you’re having a hard time with. Good luck and keep at it–therapy is well worth in it this kind of a situation!
Anon.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I second the screening for PPD, and also trying to work with a therapist through any underlying issues and your own expectations regarding support from your family.
My experience is this:
Our family lives abroad (16 h trip door to door), and husband, 3yr old and I travel there twice a year to see them. My parents still work, but visit us in the States once a year for 10 days. My in-laws (10+ years older than my parents, live 5 hours away) are retired but due to health issues and limited experience/less flexible personalities, they do not travel to the US to visit us. I also have sibling, cousins, aunt and 2 grandmothers that are still alive, all living close to my parents. Every 10 day visit overseas is crammed with visitors – and that doesn’t even include any old friends I may want to meet.
I often loathe that I have to spend ALL my precious vacation traveling to Europe – there seems to be an expectation that we make it work somehow, while at the same time everyone there is a) retired or b) has 3 times the vacation days (plus many more federal holidays) that I have, so shouldn’t they find a way to lessen OUR travel burden?
Compounding factor is that in-laws’ declining health does not make them reliable babysitters for the kid, in fact, there have been dangerous situations the last time we visited (them not being able to catch kid running away or falling from climbing thing on playground, …). Plus, we have to manage some of their health things remotely and/or while we’re there.
If I was really selfish, I would not travel there any more, book a vacation in a resort in Mexico and be done. Maybe request my parents come along.
BUT: I do want my child to have a good relationship with our families, and be exposed to the culture over there. So Husband and I drastically lowered our expectations about “vacation” and family taking over childcare for us in Europe – a trip there is simply not a time of relaxation. We know that there will come a point in time when they will need even more support from us, and eventually, they won’t be there any more. Until that point in time, we will try our best to travel there and appreciate that they cook meals, take us shopping and out for dinner, and try to help within their abilities.
It’s not easy.
Never too many shoes...
I feel some of this pain as my husband’s family are all in Europe. But I absolutely draw a different line in that there is no way that we are only going there to vacation. We go once every two years or so and in between we travel to where we want, because those trips are a visit and not a vacation and sometimes we need a real break.
Anonymous
We go to Europe every year because I think it’s important for the kids to be familiar with the language and culture of DH’s home country. We usually go for 14-20 days and do a 4-5 week vacation break in a nearby area/country. We also make a point to ‘vacation’ on long weekends when we are home by visiting nearby cities so that the visit isn’t our only ‘vacation’ of the year.
We also get in vacations by taking them when DH’s family visits us. Like they will fly direct into Florida, we meet them there for a week at the beach and then they fly home with us for another week before returning to their home. Ususally we pick location and pay for the AirBNB for everyone but they pay for their own flights.
Anon
Do you mind sharing what country you’re located in? 8-ish weeks of vacation a year sounds like a dream! I don’t know anyone who gets more than 3 weeks here in the US (which includes time off for being sick, kids being sick or off school, etc. not even real “vacation”).
Different Anon
I get 6 weeks PTO as a local government employee in the US, which goes up to 7 weeks at 5 years seniority and 8 weeks at 15 years seniority, and people are frequently awarded additional leave in recognition of extraordinary effort/having to put in evening and weekend hours (for instance, you might get a bonus week of PTO after a three week trial). That’s on top of 12 paid holidays a year. The pay is not good and the rest of the benefits are mediocre ( 10% of your salary in a 401k doesn’t feel as great when your salary is literally a third of what you could make in the private sector), but there are jobs in the US with generous vacation policies.
Anon
Agree that 8 weeks is a lot. But I’m in the US and have 5 weeks of paid vacation leave, plus almost unlimited sick leave (it accrues based on how long you’ve been here and I think I currently have 2.5 months annually – obviously I never use most of it). If kids are off school for a snow day or planned school closure, I have to use vacation but if they’re sick I can use sick leave.
Anon.
Anon at 12:05PM: Do you work in government/public education? Because I don’t know anyone in the private sector with 5 weeks paid vacation.
Anon
I think a key difference is that while some in the US may get more than 3 weeks vacation time, no one ever uses it, especially all at once. In a previous position, using my 3 weeks of leave at once, instead of in few day or 1-week increments, at the end of the year (with months of notice) almost became an HR issue. I can’t imagine anyone in the US actually taking more than a 2 week vacation, and a 2-3 week vacation PLUS a 4-5 week vacation in the same year is absolutely unheard of here.
Anonymous
Located in Canada but I have 3 weeks of vacation total not 8! I don’t know anyone in Europe or Canada who has 8! Even European friends rarely take more than 2 weeks at any one time even though they have more vacation overall. I’ve gotten good at working my vacations around holidays that are less popular with my colleagues. I rarely take vacation in April when like 1/3 of the office is vacationing down south at some point. I’m lucky to be a job that is okay with regular two week vacations even though 1 week is more common.
On occasion, I have been able to take three weeks all in a row but that’s not common and usually a reward for an extra hours project (overtime policy is not good – no billables so no extra $$ and no official time off in lieu, just usually more leniency in taking a big block of time when project is done).
So the 14-20 day vacation includes weeks and the 4-5 break during the vacation is included within that time. I often leave on Thursday night after working all day Thursday for cost and stretching leave reasons – not a big deal to them if I leave on Thursday night vs Friday afternoon. Try to return to include at least one long weekend during the away period and return on a Tuesday (also cheaper). – Thursday night to Tuesday long vacation works out to 12 vacation days which leaves 3 days to tack onto long weekend throughout the year for mini-breaks (e.g. long weekend skiing). I’ve been in my job a while and started out with standard two weeks vacation.
Anon
Yes, I work for the government. Everyone uses all their vacation time although taking more than two weeks off at once is unusual.
Anon
I’m in management consulting and have 5 weeks paid vacation.
Amy H.
Your original comment said 4-5 “weeks” for a break in the middle of the 14-20 day trip. I assumed that was a typo. ?
Anon.
We do long weekends, too. It’s the only way to recharge in between.
Never too many shoes...
Ah, well that is totally the difference. I usually take a maximum of two weeks off per year, and not at once, hence my reluctance to spend every vacation going to visit the in-laws.
Anon 11:18
And I just realized I caused all the confusion by saying a “4-5 week vacation break” — it should have been 4-5 DAY vacation break.
Anon
I wondered if that was what you meant! A 4-5 week “break” in a 20 day vacation doesn’t really make sense.
Anon
I think you should definitely take a vacation for yourself one year. Maybe cut the Europe trip down to every other year. You need a real vacation or you’re going to burn out.
Anon
Deena Goldsmith in Silver Spring is great. Helped my husband work through a lot of family and learn to distance himself from the emotional baggage. We had to stop going to her when she switched practices but we are considering just paying out of pocket for a couple visits.
http://www.renewpsych.com/therapists/diane-goldsmith-lcsw-c
The one who moved
No advice or recommendations, but this thread has been very helpful in changing my perspective. I’m older than you and my children are now an adults but I was the one who moved and sometimes resented being the one who “has to” travel to my parents and siblings hometown for holidays. It makes me feel better to see others who struggle with this too. I didn’t expect my parents to move close to me but it would’ve been nice if, over the years, my family visited me more than every few years (for parents) or much longer (for siblings). I’m not in a different country or even across the country.
Anon
I’m on the other side of the country, but have been working with a therapist that focuses on the Bowen family system theory (https://thebowencenter.org/theory/) and I’ve found it very helpful in working through changing family dynamics. Maybe there is someone in your area that uses this system too?
Anon
Op here. Thanks guys. I had serious ppd with kid #1 and thought I escaped it with kid #2, but that very well might be part of the issue. My parents visit us about 3-4 times a year, but only for a weekend each time. They are both semi- retired and well off so it’s not a burden for them in either of these senses, but they start getting really antsy if they stay longer. They also have this weird block about weather on the east coast- they are always b*tching about the weather (and everything else). I actually work near them, so have always made work trips into visit trips. This was fairly easy with 1 kid and I hoped to do it with 2 kids, but I was just so bummed on our last trip. They refuse to take time off from their completely optional contract work (which they can schedule) and provide nearly no child support, despite telling us not that organize our own childcare.
It’s been really helpful to read all these comments.
Anonymous
Well the person who moves away will have less interaction with the parents then the brother who stays in the hometown. Why should the parents travel when the it’s you who moved away. There are drawbacks to not being near family. Anyone who cries every day needs therapy or basically just to grow up.
Buzzy
Wow, aren’t you a peach? Something tells me you lack the close personal ties that would make you empathize with the OP’s position …
Anon
I really love these pants and they’re shockingly reasonably priced even in Canadian dollars. Is anyone familiar with the brand and can speak to how they fit?
Side note, I didn’t even realize they were technically “plus size” until I went to the website. Is that supposed to be a plus-sized model? Good lord, no wonder we all have body image issues.
Anonymous
Funny, I was in the mindset that the pants were doing the [usual skinny] model no favors. If she’s plus size (or even “plus size”) she looks great.
Anon
Wow! Good catch about the plus sized bit. Yeah, that model does not look at all plus sized. I’ve posted here before that I was “recruited” by a modeling agency as a very young adult. I won’t post actual height/weight because I know that can be triggering but let’s just say it was on the low end of normal for my height. The only thing “curvy” about me was that I had above average sized boobs. Turned out, they were recruiting me to be a plus-sized model when I was wearing sized 6 clothes. That really opened my eyes to how messed up the industry is and decided not to pursue any modeling/entertainment gigs ever again.
Anon
I think the issue with this sight is, if you look at the size options, their “plus size” starts at a US size 10 which…just is not plus size by any standard. Most US plus sizes start at 14 or 16. A size 10 on a 5’9 model is actually on the slimmer side – in short I don’t think this brand is for me as a short curvy woman who is also not plus size. If the brand’s brains are skewed to think that a size 10 is plus size, goodness knows they wouldn’t know what to do with a DD 5’3 size 10.
Ms B
At one point I ended up without my luggage in Paris (long story) and some cash from the travel people. As a five foot tall size 10 or 12 DD (translated to a European 42 or 44 with my build), I could not find anything that fit in most shops. Galeries Lafayette sent me to the plus department and the choices there were just depressing.
I ended up doing my buying at The Gap on the Champs Elysees, where I at least had a decent number of choices. No joke.
Anonymous
Next time, try German brands. Our luggage went to Detroit instead of Paris, and I bought Basler and Escada pieces to tide me over.
Never too many shoes...
The “plus” line starts at size 10 in Mango. 10.
Anon
Dang, if I was a size 10 I would consider myself skinny.
SSC
Same.
Adoption Party
The friend of one of my school-aged children is getting adopted by his foster-to-adopt family (who has two slightly older children also). They are having a party to celebrate.
Clearly, this is a fantastic development. I feel like if they adopted a baby, we’d bring over a baby item and a food item / dinner for the family. That won’t work here, but I feel that I should bring something. What though?
Also, it’s a boy. If it were a girl, I might think of getting something monogrammed (last name initial is changing), but I don’t think that monogramming is a thing for boys (even in the SEUS where we are) except maybe for things like lunchboxes or backpacks that might get lost on a playground.
Anonymous
I’d treat it like a birthday party gift.
Anon
I think this is a more momentous occasion than a birthday (which happens every year, not once in a lifetime) and deserves a gift that is more special.
Anonymous
Of course it’s more important, but I still think a gift for the kid should be like a birthday present
Anonymous
I would do a gift certificate for a family outing activity – like tickets to a sporting event (our local minor baseball team is reasonably priced), or family day pass for local kids museum or science museum or zoo etc. Or movie passes or restaurant gift certificate to kid friendly restaurant (Costco in our area has good deals). Ask your child about the adoptee’s interests.
Aggie
In a similar situation (family adopting a 6 and 8 year old), we bought the family tickets to their first baseball game along with baseball jerseys and hats.
Senior Attorney
What a great idea!
Anon
You can go two ways with the gift: (1) a popular toy that the kid will enjoy now, similar to what you would bring to a birthday party and (2) a sentimental or more lasting gift. I personally like the second type better for this event, but don’t have a ton of ideas. How about a very nice children’s chapter book, with a leather binding? Not sure of the age, but the first think that comes to mind is Swiss Family Robinson. If it was closer to the holidays and if the family celebrated Christmas, I would consider a nice Christmas tree ornament that had his initials or new last name.
anon
If the family celebrates Christmas, I think an ornament would work well as a sentimental gift. Maybe something with all five family members’ names and the year?
Anon Lawyer
My parents used to give something like a nice, bound “Complete Works of Shakespeare” for these situations. Not exciting for the kid, but nice to have later on and will be part of a memory- and you can pair it with something the kid would be excited about now. I think a two-part gift kind of makes sense here.
Anon
I recently got a personalized book from Wonderbly as a gift. There are lots of books to choose from that you can customize with the kid’s name. They’re really sweet and good quality.
Veronica Mars
Thanks for the recommendation! My niece would love this!
Anon
I would get something engraved with his new name – silver cups, silver piggy bank, compass, pocket watch, etc.
It should be something that he can use throughout the years and remember as a gift for his adoption.
Anonymous
Tervis Tumbler with new name on it?
Lana Del Raygun
I love the idea of a compass.
Suburban
I love the compass idea. I feel like kids get a kick out of functional grown up stuff like that.
Quail
My son got a compass for his baptism (at 4 years old) from his sponsor – this one had a Bible verse on it. It was a great gift- meaningful and useful for many years, and he loved using it right away, too.
Anon
My dad had a compass and binoculars when I was a kid and I loved playing with them!
Anon Lawyer
Love both compass and pocket watch. Or an engraved swiss army knife type thing?
anon.
Depending on the age, I think a nice set of books is great. I don’t agree it has to be something super sentimental; he’ll get that from his family! I have gotten elementary age nephews sets of Roald Dahl, Bad Guy series (they love that), or Encyclopedia Brown.
Pink
I’m so happy for your friend’s family! And kudos to you for being thoughtful in how you help them celebrate! I’m an adoptive mom. A few gift ideas: a close friend had a (candid) family photo of us turned into a cute drawing and then framed. This was very personal, so it might not be the route for you. One of my aunts sent us some books and a gc to B&N. Those were both much appreciated. Also, you could just ask the mom what, if anything, he would like or need. I know that sounds weird, but she has had people ask much weirder, more intrusive questions during this process, trust me.
Never too many shoes...
I’m not sure of your budget, but what about a gift certificate for them to get a family portrait? Or hiring a photographer to come to the party to capture the joy?
Anonymous
Going with the food theme, what about a small toy for the child and a restaurant gift certificate for the family to a nice-ish place? And a note in the card saying something along the lines of… “to celebrate this awesome moment in your family’s life”?
Idea
When someone at work adopted an older boy and girl, both young school-age, I got them each a book and doll from PBS’s “Arthur” show – the older brother got Arthur and the younger sister got DW. They knew the characters, got something to hug, something educational, and to me, representative of a happy family. Obviously their past was probably sad, but this to me was celebrating the family NOW and their future, something that PBS licensed characters and Arthur in particular is relentlessly happy and positive and helpful about.
Lots to Learn
I love the compass idea, but as a Girl Scout leader, I can tell you that compasses are obsolete, for most people. They just use navigation on their phone. Or a compass on their phone. What about a Swiss Army knife with his name engraved? Or a watch? My daughters were given fancy cake knives with their names engraved that they use to cut the birthday cake each year, but that may be more of a girl thing…
Anon
Well, duh. Really, even before the smart phones were people using compasses to navigate?
Anon
I have one in my car for when I don’t want to pull out my phone, or if my phone runs low on battery.
Colette
I would do a sports jersey from whatever the team is that he is into/popular in your area and personalize it with his new last name on the back.
Congrats to all! This seems like a very happy event.
RR
My stylist curls my hair with a flat iron. I love the look but can’t recreate it at home, and I’ve decided it’s because I have a 10-year-old cheap flat iron. What are your favorite flat irons?
Anon
I have a Babyliss I’ve used for years and is still going strong.
Anon
My stylist uses a babyliss flat iron to curl my hair and it looks awesome. She loves it and has used it for years. I bought the exact model per her recommendation and it worked for a few months until it wouldn’t power up. I got a replacement and it did the same thing. When I replaced the second they mentioned that the dry bar flat iron gets good reviews and isn’t known to break. I got that one and have used it for over a year now with no issues. I am still struggling on how to curl my hair with it, but I think that’s a me-problem (I lack all skills related to hair styling).
Anon
Just wondering, did you get the babyliss on the river site? They’ve had a lot of fakes on there for that brand specifically, and I heard somewhere (either an article or Patriot Act) that because of the the river site warehouses code items, its really easy for fake products to get mixed in with the real ones, even from a verified seller like the river site itself.
anon
I have quit buying higher-end items from the river site for this reason and stick to options with a brick and mortar. Nord, Sephora, etc. Shipping might be a bit slower but is usually free.
Anon
Nope, I bought it from Ulta. That was actually the only way I was able to replace it. Babyliss told me I’d have to pay crazy expensive shipping for it (something like 30 each way) to get a replacement. I just took it into an Ulta store and they found my receipt and exchanged it.
Aggie
Same. I purchased mine from my salon to make sure it was not a fake.
anon
I’m on my second (or third) Sedu. Sounds like a bad thing but each one has lasted for at least five years (probably more). I have a travel size T3 that I also like.
Fishie
Just bought the Kristin Ess flat iron from Target and am very happy with it. It is rounded on the outside so makes a nice curl. Also has a long cord and auto shutoff after 30 minutes.
Anonymous
I have a GHD that has curved edges. Perhaps others do, as well, but that seems key to a curl.
Anonymous
Thank you to the ladies who chipped in on my question on yesterday’s post re: unexplained mood swing in a single day.
I took half day off and decided to just not think about anything serious in that time and it somewhat helped.
I also noted that I had possibly just needed to catch up on sleep. With a half day off yesterday,found I feel much better today.
anon
I missed yesterday’s thread but emotional regulation is one of the first things to go if you’re not getting enough sleep!
Anon
What’s the whole point of these kind of pants?
Ribena
More casual than suiting, less casual than denim.
pugsnbourbon
… preventing nudity?
Anon
Yes, that’s why I wear them. Interested in others’ thoughts.
Anonymous
This is my favorite response!
clothes are meant to be worn
Um, to wear?
Wood-like Flooring
Can anyone recommend water-resistant and non-delicate wood-like flooring?
Our old engineered wood floor is really torn up, but I don’t think real wood is the way to go. We have cats who act like raccoons with their water dish, we may eventually get a dog, and my husband’s hobby involves heavy equipment that he drag in and out of the house frequently.
I’ve heard that wood-look tile is nice, but I’m concerned it may be easily chipped and cracked. Pergo makes a water-resistant faux wood, but I don’t know anyone who has it. Any other ideas?
Anonymous
It still seems like wood is your best bet to me. We have cats and wood floors in our kitchen, most of what a dog would do can be refinished, and heavy equipment could break or damage tile.
nutella
No experience with pets but my brother and his wife have the wood-look tile (I think it’s porcelain?) and that stuff still looks great and cleans well 7 years later with all four kids riding their scooters(!) indoors on it and running with wet bathing suits in and out of the house on it.
nutella
Ceramic! (Not porcelain, whoops)
pugsnbourbon
My parents have had ceramic tile in their house for 20 years and I don’t think a single one has cracked. Note that if you drop a dish on a tile floor, the tile wins. You are probably less clumsy than me but it’s something to keep in mind.
We have Pergo in our kitchen. It looks different from the wood in the rest of the house but not terribly so. I did end up denting it when my food processor slipped out of my hands (good god I’m clumsy).
Anon
Luxury vinyl planks! Super durable and water resistant. Pay attention to the different thicknesses and wear layers when purchasing. Just installed a natural wood look in my house and absolutely love it.
SC
+1. We have vinyl planks in our home (in a flood zone) and the first floor of a rental property. It’s very durable. Last year, the rental property flooded due to a plumbing issue, and it was easy to pull up the planks, dry them off, and reinstall them.
AZCPA
I couldn’t agree more – my entire house is this, in a glorious gray/brown reclaimed wood look. Even in bare feet, it feels “real” underfoot, and withstood me accidentally dragging a jagged metal post when building a coat rack. Mine is from Paradigm Flooring. They have tons of options and looks – the boards come in 5 lengths so its laid sort of like hardwood is.
Original Moonstone
Based on this, I looked up Paradigm flooring and was impressed. But I can’t find a way to buy it or get samples from their website. Did you have a contractor get it for you? It’s weird that the website does not have a “Contact Us” link.
CountC
+3 I have this in my new house and with two old dogs (one not house trained) and an old cat, it’s wonderful.
Jules
I can’t answer about heavy furniture, but we put vinyl flooring in a house with two dogs and multiple cats, some badly behaved, and it held up beautifully. We went for Tarkett because it was pthalate-free.
Poppies
When I went to the flooring store last week, they steered me toward “luxury vinyl plank” instead of hardwood. Looks good and they said it’s 100% waterproof. Even if your house floods, apparently you can pull up the planks, dry them out, and reinstall them. They said it has a 15 year commercial warranty and a lifetime residential warranty. I’m still debating, but it sounded cool. Brand was Coretec or something like that.
Em
Tile will be the best option. We didn’t have the money to do tile so we went with high-quality vinyl planks. It looks like wood and is virtually waterproof. We have a lot of large dogs, including a revolving door of foster dogs, as well as a toddler, so we needed something indestructible but affordable.
AZCPA
But tile feels super hard and cold underfoot – in real life the LVP is better in a ton of ways.
AnonInfinity
And it can be LOUD. My former in-laws had wood-like tile in their beach house and it seemed to amplify the sound. I’m sure rugs can dampen that a bit, but I remain unconvinced that it is superior to the vinyl planks.
bellatrix
Question on LVP – will it be dented by heavy furniture? Like a huge sofa or a full bookcase? I’ve been reading up on it and found a few reviews that said that could happen. Our furniture isn’t massive but it isn’t delicate either.
MKB
I have the Pergo flooring that you’re describing, and it’s been… ok. We installed in in 2000, and after about 5-6 years we developed a chip in a high-traffic area. At this point we have a few chips, some from dropping something heavy (a laptop in one case, the other was a cast-iron pan!) and at least one more just from traffic. It’s in our kitchen.
I’d say it’s a good value for the money, but tbh we’re replacing it with wood when we redo the kitchen again, hopefully in the next year or two.
Ms B
I would go real wood, but polyurethaned. Costs more (a lot more), but extremely durable.
Miss
I have pergo type floors (from Shaw) and love them. They haven’t developed any real scratches or dents despite being in high traffic areas and the fact that my dog loves to run and skid on them. They look and feel like real wood.
Anonymous
We have this vinyl in our basement and like it (rosewood).
https://www.homedepot.com/p/TrafficMASTER-Take-Home-Sample-Rosewood-Ebony-Luxury-Vinyl-Plank-Flooring-4-in-x-4-in-10046919/202899657
Anon
Returning to the question of gifted education, what are the options for gifted kids at public school if there’s no gifted and talented classes/track? Would they get IEPs and get pulled out of class individually? Or would there still be access to AP classes, just not under the gifted label? I’m curious how this would work. I went to a very small, low-performing public school system and we did not have a gifted program, but the students who wanted to go to college arranged a set-up to do AP classes online during a free period. However, I’m sure that is more unusual since we were such a small school. The rest of the classes had a mix of junior college-bound students and students on their way into the workforce (and a few on their way to jail).
Anonymous
IDK When I was a kid, we got grouped for reading and then reading/math. Even then, some kids did the harder work easily and quickly and then just read books. There were random ad-hoc pullouts (some computer programming, but never anything building in a sequential fashion — just dabbling).
My kids’ school has some gifted pull-outs and one magnet program for highly-gifted kids (more than 3 deviations above the mean for IQ scores — I have no idea what number that works out for OR how a 4-year-old who hasn’t gotten to K yet possibly has parents who get alerted to this program except if they have the sort of ultra-pushy parents that I am not sure I’d want in my kids’ universe; I am sure the poor kids have no shot at this sort of resource). So, essentially, nothing meaningful for most kids who might benefit from it.
Most parents I know do stuff for their kids on their own time and budget and per their kids’ interests. I know giftedness factors into that some (Duke’s TIP program), but in a way it is no different than sports or instrument lessons or other things.
Coach Laura
“Ultra pushy parents” that you don’t want to interact with? How sweet. My son tested 150+ IQ as a kindergartener. Both his preschool teacher and his kindergarten teacher suggested it. I was a clueless parent but having a 4 year old who wants to know what the difference between a virus and a bacteria, or why matter is solid, or how sunscreen works, or how money gets its value…well I learned that my kid was extraordinary and that has held up with a 2370 SAT score and a 99.8 percentile MCAT score. Doesn’t mean that I was pushy to have him tested at age 5.
Anon
I’m surprised he didn’t get a 2400 on the SAT – he clearly sounds very gifted and I know people who were less exceptional who got 2400s with studying.
Coach Laura
Well, he didn’t study more than an hour or two to read the guide book’s instruction pages. I thought it was a risky strategy but apparently not. His downfall was math at 770 because it’s not something he is naturally good at. The others were perfect 800s.
Anon
This is the kind of shade I am Here. For.
Anon @ 4:06 – Well done.
Anon
You must be so proud.
Anonymous
Depends on the school I suspect. I took two AP classes at my public high school and got permission to take a third AP class at a nearby public high school because it wasn’t offered at my school. Meant missing one third of my math classes at home high school but I was doing well enough in math that the principal was fine with it. Some schools have arrangements with local colleges or universities for gifted kids to audit or enroll in one or more classes.
Anonymous
My school had no gifted and talented track. Kids who needed more or different challenges got them in class. We had tracked classes starting in 5th grade and honors and AP classes in high school.
Z
My district didn’t have a formal gifted program but there were lots of AP and honors courses. Kids would be recommended for them by their teachers starting in 7th grade. There were also kids like me who didn’t try very hard in middle school but got it together in high school and ended up in AP classes. It really varied. I’m not really into the idea of there being gifted programs starting in kindergarten, it doesn’t give kids the opportunity to prove themselves later on.
Cb
My mediocre but large suburban high school didn’t have a gifted track but we had loads of AP classes – many more than local private schools because of the size of the school. You could also take classes at the local junior college. There were quite a few options for bright, talented students.
Anon
Parents work with their kids to find enrichment that suits their interests! Libraries may offer some programs, local colleges, extension services, Center for Talented Youth if you can swing it and your kid qualifies (I’d have loved to do the programs I qualified for, but it was more than my folks had). The internet wasn’t a thing when I was a kid in that boat, so books were my thing. Until I finally had a class that required work (AP Biology, senior year of high school), I read whatever I wanted in class, didn’t disrupt anybody else, and it was all good. Sometimes they were “literature” and sometimes they were Tom Clancy. Now there’s also Khan Academy and a host of more structured online options, too. As a family, you’ll have to do the legwork to figure out your student’s interests and what works.
Anon
In elementary school there was no separate track – we were in normal K-6 classrooms, but we had the G&T teacher come a couple times a week and meet with us on special projects. It was just like, we’d go meet with the G&T teacher for an hour, then return to normal class. A lot of independent work on our long term projects was expected as well, which I now realize was quite a burden to working parents. My middle and high school didn’t have a gifted track either, but we had honors/AP classes and it was possible to be accelerated in math by 1-3 years.
Sarabeth
Gifted and talented and AP classes are (or should be) very different things. Many kids who aren’t gifted should be able to take and succeed in AP classes. So hopefully AP classes aren’t available.
For gifted kids, if there is not a specialized program available, the solution would be some mix of in-class differentiation and grade acceleration (either whole-grade, or in selected subjects). Honestly, even in a lot of schools with gifted programs, the programs are not really adequate, so those still end up being the main ways of handling. My elementary school had a gifted class that pulled us out for three hours/week. That didn’t accomplish much, so I ended up skipping fifth grade. For high school, my parents switched me to a private school that allowed subject-by-subject acceleration, so I returned to my normal “social” grade but took classes 1-3 years above grade level in most academic subjects.
Sarabeth
*Hopefully AP classes ARE available.
Anon
I do think it’s important to have options (G&T or others) for the kids who want to learn and are ready to do so at a higher level. Anyone who has been in the classroom with a disruptive student who doesn’t want to be there knows how much it can impact the learning environment for all. The impact is worst for kids who want to be there, but lack a supportive environment at home to make up for deficiencies in the classroom.
Vicky Austin
I went to a crummy rural high school with not that many options. There was no separate gifted program (we barely had special accommodations for kids who needed them) and exactly one AP class. (I think now there are two.) Those of us who needed more to do made it work. Several people I knew doubled up on math classes as freshmen so they could get to a more advanced class (which they took online) by senior year. I took journalism so my English credits would actually challenge me. I doubled up on foreign languages because I could handle it. There were enough science credits that you could pull together a pretty broad (if not super deep) science education. Our teachers did what they could for us. I wouldn’t change a thing about my public school education even if I did have to put most of it together myself. I was more than ready for college, where I excelled, and I have a job in my field now, which was the whole point.
Pink
Short answer: IME you could have access to AP without being in the G/T program, but neither is a bellwether for future success. I went to a similar school as you; started public school in 9th grade so I wasn’t allowed into the G/T program since our district starts that in 8th grade. I got into the honors program my sophomore year (FWIW I am of very average intelligence). This basically meant I was physically separated from the kids on their way to the workforce and jail – there was very little academic rigor and no college credit associated with the program. I took some AP classes; most were taught by coaches so many students (including me) got scores of 2 and 3, which most universities don’t give credit for, making it a big ol waste of time. I took several concurrent credit classes through the local junior college and started there as a sophomore my summer out of high school. A year later I transferred to a 4 year school and graduated two years later with an (essentially useless) English degree. I got a job as a librarian for an engineering firm and then moved into accounting which I’ve done for the last 12 years. I make six figures. Not telling you all this to say pull yourself up by your bootstraps or I’m so great, only that I think two things are important for academic success: being a reader (not even a good one, just reading a lot) and your parents’ having expectations for you.
Anon
Probably a stupid question but what does gifted mean? I think people use it to mean a bunch of different things and that can be confusing.
Anecdotally I wasn’t in gifted program in elementary schools but was definitely capable of doing “higher level” stuff than my peers. I mostly just completed my work really quickly and then read quietly in class a lot. Perhaps I should have been in the gifted program, perhaps not. I took a ton of AP classes in high school, often with kids a grade or two older. I note that a lot of the kids in the gifted program in elementary school were not in AP classes by high school. I don’t know if that means they shouldn’t have been in the gifted program or not.
I think gifted generally means you’re wired to learn a different way. I think a lot of the hang wringing and worry about this topic could be changed by simply updating the name to something other than gifted, which also has the unfortunate impact of making some kids in the program feel superior and some kids who aren’t in the program think that they aren’t smart.
Anon
I agree that changing the name would be helpful. In addition to all the things you mentioned, I think a lot of people also think gifted just means smart or high-achieving, such that all kids in IB or AP classes are gifted. The word is just being used to describe too many type of kids.
Anon
I went to a private school pre k – 12. We didn’t have gifted and I truly don’t know what it means! I don’t understand the breakdown btwn gifted, honors, and AP.
The school was very rigorous (both in academic and extra curricular expectations). We had honors (but only in math and foreign language) and APs (in every subject, but only allowed in junior and senior year). Unlike my friends schools where you could just sign up for AP courses, we had to be invited to take them. They didn’t track English at all, which was pretty cool, as it allowed everyone to cross paths.
We also did have remedial classes in math and Latin. I was the kid in remedial math but 3 AP history clssses senior year.
Anon Lawyer
I was designated as gifted and, at least as to me, the idea that it means something super special about kids who “think” differently is kind of a misnomer. In my experience it is applied to kids who pick up school-valued stuff quickly and also test well. Which is a group we should recognize but all this hand-wringing about “different brains” strikes me as dumb. I wonder if some parents find it more acceptable to have their kids labelled as “gifted” then, say, ADHD plus bright, so the two things end up getting conflated.
Anon
My understanding is that “gifted” used to be a euphemism for autistic or otherwise neuroatypical “savants” or real statistical outliers (so high IQ that they struggle). So gifted children could be high IQ with developmental acceleration, or they could be developmentally accelerated and delayed in different areas, or their verbal/nonverbal IQ could be split between genius/disabled. But they had “gifts” (i.e., strengths) as well as deficits, and often schools were only recognizing the deficits and ignoring the strengths.
When their strengths started to be accommodated, parents of high performing kids wanted their kids to have similar opportunities, so the distinction between “bright” and “gifted” was blurred partly since “really good at school” is a larger and more sympathetic minority with a louder voice that is also more easily served by other “really good at school” people. In some ways, this was for the best since schools really did need to challenge bright kids more, even if they had to call them “gifted” to do so!
But because kids who were actually “gifted” in the original sense absolutely have different needs and learning styles (they often really struggle with school, for example), this has arguably left them stranded, and parents have had to get creative to meet their needs.
Anon
One thing that I think has gotten lost in the discussion a little bit is that, at least in my area, being labeled ‘gifted’ qualifies you for special after school programs and summer camps. The summer camps in particular have been huge for our family personally. My kid is (like a lot of gifted kids, I think) not particularly athletic or outdoorsy and would be kind of miserable at a traditional YMCA camp. Getting to spend her summers learning about nerdy topics like space and biology has been so much fun for her. I don’t think my kid is a genius or anything, but I think she’s very smart and she’s not challenged a whole lot in her regular elementary classroom so I think having these enrichment opportunities and getting to interact with other kids with similar interests is really good for her.
anon
Debate. Trying to phrase this carefully, as someone on the true-“gifted” side of things before “gifted” was overused, debate was a godsend in high school. It also had the added benefit of allowing me to get away from my high school for tournaments and meet other kids like me, which normally doesn’t happen until university for a lot of kids.
Anon
Our tiny rural high school (80 kids per grade – one high school for the whole county) sends kids to the local JC for advanced coursework. The JC is in the next county over, so the kids do have to drive or carpool. The high school also offers a second graduation in late July/early August, so that juniors who were almost done but just needed one more class or whatever can finish it and then head to college in August/September.
From what I can tell, the school districts in the area really band together to come up with creative solutions for their students, whether they’re special needs (the special needs teachers in our district opened a thrift shop where the students work so they can get experience interacting with the public, counting change, taking inventory, etc) or more academically advanced. Don’t forget Governor’s Schools in some states, too.
Anon
Went to a very good public high school. We had pull-outs for gifted kids in second through sixth grade, and honors/AP classes in 7-12. Qualifying for the gifted program in early elementary school was based on our standardized test scores. However, I got the impression that later on, some kids that were new to the school district were added to the gifted program based on requests from the parents. (They tended to not be as smart as the kids that had tested in the program.) In 2nd and 3rd grade, this program was kind of weird since they assumed you had learned what you were learning in regular class at home, so I remember having to have my parents teach me multiplication at home, so that I could keep up with my normal class. In 4th through 6th grade, the gifted track was mostly for academic competitions/teams, but it was for what the student requested to do, which wasn’t necessarily what the student was best at. (Example– I was best at math but as a girl, had requested to be in reading, etc.)
In seventh grade, we started having advanced classes based on test scores and grades. AP classes started in high school and were mainly taught as honors classes (which started to be kind of controversial since non-honors kids weren’t allowed to take the class). The way this was done in 7-12 grade made much more sense to me as it was based more on grades, test scores, and student preference to be in the class. It also allowed kids to take some honors and non-honors classes instead of being on a “gifted” track.
NotYourLawyer
My home school didn’t have a gifted program, so the school district transferred me to one that did. I had to take a bus instead of walk and none of my friends lived near me, but the academics were much better. I went to a private school from 6th grade onward because there wasn’t a good public option.
My parents handled the messaging of all of this to kid-me very well. It was always “this is a program for kids who want an extra challenge in school,” and never “this is a program for kids who are smart.” They also refrained from even telling me that I had an IQ assessment as kid until I was an adult going through a neuropsych evaluation.
Anonona
We are starting a bathroom remodel in a few weeks and need to pick out all tile/fixtures now. I’m hung up on the shower faucets/system. I don’t get how it works, and my contractor just thinks I should buy a whole shower system kit (they start at 1,200 but most are at 2,000). I want two shower heads: a normal one up top and a handheld one to wash the dog and water plants. We don’t need a tub faucet since it’s only a shower. Do I need a system kit in order to do this? I don’t really care if they’re connected behind the wall or if there’s a bar outside of the wall connecting the two.
Ellen
You are probably not asking the right people. Asking a few female professionals who are fashion conscius is not the best option. Personally I have no idea what would work for you, but guess you should first go with DH to HOME DEPOT and ask them. Others in the hive may have remodeled, but I am sure they also had their husbands figure this out with the remodelers or architects. I asked Rosa, who had this all done, and she had no idea, and somehow her husband Ed probably was also clueless as to these details. Dad recommends you go to a few home remodelers and architects, and tell them what you want, and they will advise you properly. YAY!!!
The original Scarlett
This is a contractor question – you may need the whole kit based on the plumbing in your house. Get the contractor to provide you with the specs, and I’d go to a kitchen/bath supplier with those and get help there.
anne-on
You can do an add on after the renovations are done (external shower arm) or you can get a system. It is cheaper to get the regular shower head and have the contractor add the diverter behind the wall. The all in one systems are definitely expensive. I also prefer having a bigger rain shower head and then a handheld shower option, and the all in one kits don’t work well if you’re tall (or have a tall husband) as there is only so high you can adjust the shower head.
Anon
You don’t need a system kit. There are tons of attachable shower heads that have a primary shower head and hand held option, it truly doesn’t need its own water flow. You can get decent ones for less than 100 bucks on Amazon.
Now if you’re talking about a true above rainfall type and a hand held, yes, you need a kit that gives you two places of water flow from behind the wall, but I’ve seen these start at 400, not sure why your contractor is trying to get you one so expensive unless you are focused on luxury brands.
anon
When looking for new jobs, how can you tell how many hours/week the job and company norm is? My whole career has been in 60-70 hr/week roles and I’m ready to lean out a little bit and have started to look for less demanding jobs (would be quite happy in a 45-55 hr/week role). My fear is that I will take a pay cut for the same amount of hours. I have no idea how to figure this out during the interview process without sounding like a slacker who wants to work less than required…
Ribena
Could you get a coffee near the main building and see what time you see lots of people streaming in/out? Worth bearing in mind that lots of companies have hidden long hours cultures through people logging in at home in the evening.
Anon
Assuming you have been offered a position, you can always ask the hiring manager whether it would be possible for you to meet one of the employees working on the team (who would be your coworker in the event you were hired). I recently participated in a meeting like this as the employee. The woman who had been offered the job asked me questions about the office culture (including typical hours of work), etc.
Monday
Ask A Manager has written on this exact question! Do a search on her site for “hours” or “long hours.”
Anon
Does anyone else get sick of the omg my kid is so GIFTED crap on here? We can’t all be above average, you know.
Anonymous
I don’t think anyone around here wants to hear that. Other peoples kids are average, not theirs.
Anon
+1
anon
No, I do get sick of jerks, though. Move along…scurry back to 4chan or reddit if you just want to attack strangers for no reason.
Anon
Lol oooh, look at who is being subversive. 4chan and reddit are havens for extremists, you’re trying to deflect by putting an inapplicable label on a perfectly normal sentiment. This is just a tiny rant that is extremely common on this site. You probably just feel targeted because this applies to you. You go away.
anon
Targeted? I don’t even have kids. You’re just being a jerk and your over the top response to me shows you’re just here to upset people. You add no value. Also, you appear to be confused–I’m not calling you or your view extremist, I’m describing reddit and 4chan (which are utterly mainstream, btw) as places where pointless meanness over average stuff is acceptable. You will fit in better over there.
Anon
I don’t think everyone says their kid is gifted. That said, gifted is defined as the top 2-5% of learners, it doesn’t mean once-in-a-generation genius like Einstein. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if half or more of this community graduated in the top 5% of their high school class. This isn’t a random sampling of people, it’s a highly educated, highly motivated group of people. And obviously there’s more to giftedness than genetics, but the child of a gifted person is much more likely than average to be gifted.
anonshmanon
I would argue that giftedness correlates more strongly with the income level than the giftedness of the parents.
Anon
I think it correlates strongly with both, based on what I’ve seen.
Anon
It’s complex, but IQ is very heritable.
Anonymous
And yet there is more variance in IQ within families than between families.
Anon
I’m sure there are a lot of gifted kids here because the moms on this site are generally highly intelligent and educated. Intelligence is about as heritable as height and when you combine that with socioeconomic advantages, it makes sense there would be more gifted kids mentioned here than overall.
Anonymous
I don’t care re here, but this week our schools started. 200+ friends posted back-to-school pictures. The wife of one friend posted and mentioned TWICE in one post that her kid was in the stupendously gifted program at his gifted-kid magnet school (so kid is in third grade, but to the rest of you raising apparently average and subpar kids, this kid is doing seventh grade work, or whatever), along with his career aspiration (geneticist?). Enough.
Parental anxieties re large urban public schools are (I think) legitimately a thing. And as much as the news says that rich successful people will have rich successful kids (and that schools where mom didn’t finish school and dad is absent and there isn’t enough $ and housing isn’t stable are full of kids struggling with academics along with every other thing in their lives), when your kid isn’t getting their times tables down, you wonder if people in your city who pay $25K/kid in private school tuition might not be just scared / elitist / able to have grandparents write the check but might in fact be doing the only right thing to make sure their kids are taught up to their level of ability. And the bad thing is: you will never really know.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
My 2nd grader aspires to be a unicorn and i’m down with that!
PolyD
I get a little puzzled by people being so very concerned that their bright child will be bored. Life is full of boring moments, might as well figure out how to cope with them while you’re young. I mean, not bored to the point where they are not making good progress in school, but a little bored? Kids should learn to cope.
I myself drew elaborate family trees of characters in the books I read, which may have lead to me going into genetics.
Anon
Average or slightly above average kids will often be a little bored. Gifted kids are usually at least one and often several grade levels ahead, so they know everything that’s already being taught for the entire year…that’s much more than a little bored.
Anonymous
My kid is bored and now knows all of the Pokemon, how they evolve, and their fighting moves. She also can draw them all well.
I know: I’d like her to work on her novel (ha!) or invent something and patent it or otherwise “invest” her time. But it’s not my life.
Anon
Exactly. Learning how to deal with being a little bored and how to work with people at different ability levels is the best training for your future work like.
RR
I’m not worried that my bright child will be bored. She frequently is, and she gets through it. I am worried that my gifted son will check out entirely because he’s bored and frustrated. Giftedness is not synonymous with “bright” or very smart. There’s a whole host of personality traits that many gifted kids have, and they are actually more likely to underperform than the non-gifted “bright” kids. My daughter, who is very smart but not “gifted,” has a much easier time in school than my “gifted” son. So, when people are asking about resources for their gifted children, I think it’s important to consider that there may be issues and reasons that you don’t fully understand. For us, and for a lot of families, “giftedness” is almost a bad thing. I wouldn’t erase all of my son’s strengths for anything, but it takes an enormous amount of managing to get him through school, and it has little to do with him learning how to deal with boredom.
Anon
This is a question coming from a place of not knowing what makes a gifted child versus a very smart child. If you say giftedness is not synonymous with bright or very smart, doesn’t that mean it’s just a learning disability? Can’t this be handled by an IEP?
Not gonna lie, I don’t think the “gifted does not mean unusually smart” thing is really true based on the types of programs that are provided to them, but what other traits do gifted kids have that needs special accommodation? Is there a different learning style they need?
Anon
Yeah, people use gifted in different ways, but the standard in all the schools I’m aware of is basically “very smart” (somewhere between top 2% and top 5% based on IQ and/or ability to do above grade-level work). Obviously within that group, there are varying levels of intelligence and probably a very few people who are what I would call geniuses (like the prodigies that go to college at age 12), and maybe RR means her daughter is just normal “very smart” and her son is a genius. But I think if you identified only geniuses there wouldn’t be enough for a group program, at least in most school districts, so they get the “very smart” kids mixed in, and it still works because they’re all working far above grade level.
Anon
There are personality traits associated with giftedness: overexcitability, intensity, and sensitivity. There is some evidence that gifted children perform worse than their merely smart counterparts. I’m not sure that an IEP is the correct way to solve this, because IEPs aren’t meant to solve those problems.
The best thing to do is to get everyone in a classroom wherein they stimulate, not annoy, each other, and let them have at it.
While I agree that it’s good to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you, gifted children are *almost always* bored. The rules that are designed to help not-gifted children learn (and that not-gifted children need) are counterproductive for gifted kids.
And I’m going to get on a rant about something: if you have a child who is, for example, gifted in mathematics, there’s no reason that they cannot be taking calculus at age 15 – so long as that child has been taking more advanced classes from an early age. But we hold them back by YEARS in things like this, which can make a real impact on the child’s development and on how they handle college. (If a child goes into college with differential equations under her belt, there’s no reason that she can’t, e.g., study quantum mechanics as a freshman. If she doesn’t have that math background, she might be forced to take lower-level science courses that are beyond boring because she has to wait for the math to catch up enough to take the others.) Same goes for foreign language.
It would be like putting fifth-grade you in a second-grade classroom and telling you that you just have to learn to be bored sometimes.
Anon
You don’t have to start acceleration in kindergarten to take calculus at 15 though. Most middle schools offer kids the opportunity to jump directly into high school math, and you can skip subjects in middle/high school if you’ve mastered them.
Also, as someone who did take calculus as a sophomore and then took tons of college level math/physics as a junior and senior, I don’t know that it was a good thing beyond helping me get into top colleges. I was too focused on rushing through things and not mastering them – I was smart enough (especially compared to my high school and State U peers) to get top scores on tests and 5s on AP exams, but I didn’t have the mastery of the subject that I’d have if I’d taken it slower. My husband definitely has a higher IQ than me, and took calculus as a senior in high school with all the other honors-track kids. Guess which one of us now has a PhD in math? Not me. He also had a much better social experience than me, because he remained with his peers and had a community of smart, nerdy kids who all took honors/AP classes together. Some of this is probably the experience of being a boy who’s good at math vs the experience of being a girl who’s good at math, but I don’t think the fact that I was off at the State U half the day for my last two years of high school did me any favors socially.
I have no idea whether our children will be gifted, very smart, average, below average, whatever. But if they display the same aptitude for math that I displayed as a child, I will not encourage them to skip way ahead and take college courses in high school. Life isn’t a race, and I think there is value in doing things well on a slightly slower timeline.
RR
So, the testing identifies “very smart” kids, yes, but at that level of intelligence there are different styles of learning and different types of traits that make things actually kind of hard on those kids and their parents. My very smart daughter easily gets As. My top of the percentiles son does have an IEP. Their brains don’t work the same, and they need a different learning approach. So while it may be measuring extreme intelligence at the end of the day, there’s just a lot of stuff that comes with that.
So, it’s not a matter of “little Johnny is so smart.” It’s “little Johnny is so smart that he cannot function in a normal class room, is unable to interact with his peers in anything you would think is a normal fashion, and is at extremely high risk of very bad results.” I think there is a range, but I don’t see the parents of the truly “gifted” kids bragging about it so much as trying to survive it without their kid ending up broken.
Anonymous
Agreeing with an above poster that the challenge with gifted kids is that while their intellect and learning capacity may be way beyond their peers, their social/emotional/physical development may not match that advanced level. So skipping whole grades or pushing them into a ton of advanced courses elsewhere may not be the best fix from a holistic standpoint.
Anon
Their same-age peers may not be social peers either, so it’s sometimes a case of solving the fixable issue (appropriate coursework) rather than the issue that seems impossible (finding social peers).
I personally think it’s worth it to seek out other gifted kids or even adults just so a gifted child doesn’t feel like the “only one,” but that’s still not the same as as an entire class.
Anon Lawyer
I think this is kind of BS, to be honest. You mentioned the other day that your daughter just missed the “gifted” threshold, right? There’s not a bright line between “gifted” and “just smart.” It sounds like your son has other personality traits that make him more susceptible to things like boredom, which is fine. (Honestly, this stuff is also very gendered – girls are taught to play along with authority more than boys). But it’s not because he’s so smart – it’s because not every kid, bright or otherwise, is a perfect fit for school.
Anon
Yeah, this. And honestly I find it sort of super sexist that you’re so quick to label your boys as gifted as your girl as just “bright.” There’s actual scientific data out there that parents think their boys are smarter than they actually are and perceive their girls as not as smart as they actually are, so maybe do some reading about that topic and do some serious thinking about why you’re so eager to label your kids this way.
RR
Well, there IS a bright line for gifted identification purposes in schools. It’s not me labeling my kids–they take a test, they get results on that test, and the education system labels them. That’s why I keep putting “gifted” in quotes, because it’s the educational system’s classification, not mine. Another district might consider her score above the line. But, I understand their scores, and I observe the differences in the learning styles of my daughter and her similarly situated peers and my son and his similarly situated peers, and school, social situations, and eventual “success” are much harder for kids like my son. There’s a lot of research on why that is if you don’t believe me. I do appreciate the reminder that we should all be thinking about gender norms in these issues, and I do think there are problems with the testing being biased against girls and the way that teachers perceive girls being biased. I don’t think that fully accounts for the differences.
Vicky Austin
I was also drawing elaborate family trees in the margins of my notes, haha. Nowadays sometimes I recite them in my head when meetings drag.
Anonymous
Too many people classify ‘bright’ kids as ‘gifted’. Truly gifted kids probably need a lot of challenge and pull-outs. Bright and gifted kids both need to learn how to deal with non-bright/gifted kids so too much pull out isn’t good. I read Les Miserables in the original French during math class because I was so far ahead and I got bored. Math teacher clearly saw me but never complained as he knew I had my work done.
Anon
I agree. Boredom is also the foundation for most creative ventures. The lack of/limit unstructured free time for kids and view that boredom is omg so terrible really concerns me for our future. Some of my fondest memories and experiences who shaped who I am wouldn’t have been possible without the boredom that lead to them.
Anonymous
Yeah, but this isn’t about unstructured free time – this is about sitting at your desk in a classroom, waiting for your peers to understand what you understood on the first try. It’s a dangerous kind of boredom.
Anon
Eh you just described 90% of my elementary school experience. I doodled a lot and read a lot.
Anonymous
Right. . . so let’s not do that? It was my experience too, but we can do better.
If I hadn’t been left alone by the teachers to read my own books when I finished my assignments – for years on end!, or had not been a reader – I could have started to dread school, act out, or tune out.
Anon
Part of the issue with “helicopter parenting” is that parents don’t let kids be bored and don’t let them figure out how to entertain themselves.
annnnnnonymous
Even for kids who would qualify as “bright,” I think it’s wrong to waste their time.
But kids who are “gifted” often have high needs. In general, when you’re talking about a young child who is still developing, it’s not “boredom” in the sense of “needing to be entertained.” If you leave a child alone in a dark and empty room, they cannot meet their developmental milestones. Every child needs appropriate stimulation and an opportunity to engage and socialize at whatever level they are at!
Whoever had freedom to doodle, read a developmentally appropriate book under the desk, etc., was not experiencing what some kids experience at school (when teachers may take away the book that’s “above grade level,” take away the pen, and force a kid to participate in busywork that the kid knows forward and backward). It’s not a few hours a week: it’s the feeling that in all of life, you’re just spinning your wheels with no time or freedom to work towards your own goals.
I was a twice exceptional advanced learner (so I was developmentally out of sync; I don’t find that I have any advantage over similarly educated adults today). I was outwardly doing fine at school, but I personally had significant situational depression that completely resolved when I left school and started taking more advanced classes. I was genuinely thinking suicidal thoughts as a grade school child, and this is all it took to make me profoundly happy! I didn’t complain about being bored (I actually didn’t talk to my parents about most of this), but I did feel really trapped, and I was not okay. It’s not like taking an adult and making them doing 2nd grade again (so it’s boring, deal with it). Advanced learners are still children, and they need adequate stimulation just like any other child. It may just take a lot more to engage them.
PolyD
(when teachers may take away the book that’s “above grade level,” take away the pen, and force a kid to participate in busywork that the kid knows forward and backward)
This should not be done to ANY kid, not just the bright/gifted ones. More and more, I’m really, really glad I didn’t have kids, seeing what you all have to deal with.
Anon
Yeah teachers shouldn’t be doing any of this period. No kid gifted or not should be subjected to that. The solution is to get that teacher to stop doing that to all students, not pull a few kids out of the class.
annnnnnonymous
I’ve argued with friends who are teachers over this, and at least many of the teachers I know were explicitly taught that this the right thing to do. It’s not just a “one teacher” problem.
That said, I know it’s not the same everywhere (some better schools stick the advanced learner in front of a screen all day, for example, since they can buy educational software for different grade levels more easily than they can hire instructors to teach at different grade levels).
Anon
Hmm interesting. I never encountered a teacher taking a book away from me or my nerdy friends in other classes. And I went to school in three different places. My mom is also a teacher/has taught in multiple places and was appalled by this comment when I mentioned it. My friends with bright kids all bring a book to school to read when they finish work early. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen I’m just genuinely surprised by this.
gifted
So I was reading at the college level before first grade. It was very apparent to me, even as a young kid, that I could understand concepts and think in a way that my peers could not – I could understand much more complicated things than they could. My communication was freakishly adult (you can see it even now looking at writing assignments or old home video). I had a lot of friends, but there tended to be a dynamic where I was treated a bit like an interesting alien or a performing animal. “Bored” isn’t even a strong enough word for what school was like for me – there’s only so much daydreaming and doodling you can do before you start to lose your mind and do things that are self-destructive or disruptive. Plus, teachers will not give you unfettered latitude to doodle and daydream that for years on end. My parents, through immense personal sacrifice, sent me to a private school that was a bit more educationally flexible. It still wasn’t quite enough in some respects, but it was worlds better.
That’s the difference between gifted and bright. Giftedness is a non-normal state of being and it’s not easily fixed by just putting a child in the hardest reading and math group in the class. A kid who is reading Dostoyevsky at 7 and doing algebra in preschool can’t really be taught in a normal environment.
Anonymous
Doogie?
Anon
Eh, so much of being above grade level in preschool and elementary school has to do with how much support you have at home and how much effort your parents have put into teaching you academic things. I was also reading on the college level by first grade, according to standardized tests, and writing several hundred page novels around the same age, and I certainly could have been taught advanced math in early elementary (especially since a lot of advanced math is both theory and computations and the computations really aren’t hard to teach a bright, willing young child). Honestly, it all kind of evened out by high school and college. I certainly think I’m very smart and was one, if not the, smartest people in my high school (I was a straight A student in AP classes with almost no effort) but I don’t think I’m some kind of prodigy or genius, and honestly I think I was only average intellectually at my elite college. I know it has changed somewhat but at least when I was growing up, elementary school wasn’t really about academics, it was about learning to interact with other kids and you didn’t really get into serious academics in middle school. There was no reason for me not to be in a normal elementary school classroom for most of the school day. Sure, I would help other kids read “See Spot Run” at school and then I would go home and read the books on my parents’ bookshelf, but so what? I was a happy kid and I got a lot out of being in a normal classroom and learning to be with my peers. I don’t think starting college when I was 12 would have made me a happier or more successful adult.
Anonymous
I tend to agree with you that motivated children are capable of vastly more than school generally expects, and parents can often make the difference.
But I guess I’m hearing you say that you’re not a prodigy/genius/”gifted child”/whatever euphemism we use for the children who are not happy when elementary school is not academic, who don’t benefit socially from the classroom environment (unless at their own personal expense), who do benefit as children and as adults from being academically challenged from an early age, and who often represent a departure from household norms (often overwhelming and academically overtaking their own alarmed parents). You didn’t experience this, but some people really do.
Anon
Well, I was identified as gifted by my school, fwiw. In most schools I’m familiar with including mine, gifted was a euphemism for being one of the smartest kids in the grade and I was certainly that, at least until I got to college. It wasn’t a euphemism for behavioral problems or for being the smartest kid the teacher had seen in decades. I also wouldn’t say I didn’t care about being challenged academically in elementary school. I did, it just didn’t necessarily come through traditional classroom learning. My parents basically told me point blank: you’re way ahead of these kids academically, so you go to school to have fun and learn social skills and then you can come home and read books and do math that’s challenging for you. I don’t think that’s such a bad lesson for a bright kid to learn. Back to my original point, the overwhelming majority of “gifted”/way above grade level elementary schoolers are advanced because they’re very smart AND they have a very supportive home environment and parents who are willing and able to provide supplemental instruction. I think it’s fine for elementary school to be primarily about interaction with peers and for the parents to be providing enrichment (and it can be as simple as providing access to books, it doesn’t have to involve a lot of hands-on tutoring).
Anonymous
But what do you suggest for the minority who are outliers in their own families? It seems backwards to say that elementary school is not for academics, and that academics should fall on the parents at those ages. (If that’s true, school seems hugely wasteful. The neighborhood park could provide socialization while the public library could provide enrichment, after all.)
CPA Lady
I don’t really know how smart or “special” I am. I have no idea what my college class rank was, and I’m not sure I ever knew. I did pass the CPA exam, which I suppose is pretty hard. But … meh. I think I’m generally pretty average. Or worse than average because I’m so burned out from having ridiculous standards for myself.
I hope my kid isn’t gifted. I was/am definitely an anxious overachiever, and I don’t want that for my child. Like, she can overachieve if she wants, but it seems like everything is a success pressure cooker, including elementary school and it completely wears me out. I hope my daughter can actually balance enjoying her life with running herself ragged to achieve and succeed and always do more.
Anonymous
I think maybe it is a combo of woke urban moms who were high achievers coming to the realization that urban public schools are . . . not great. And private schools in cities are shockingly expensive (to me).
I am in BigLaw. I can count on two hands the attorneys I know in my city who use our city’s public schools (I am one of them). The key for me was that equity partners at my firm and one other firm in town and one in-house guy sent their kids to either my kids’ school or had sent them recently. But it was a struggle to find those people and no one wants to talk about it. Even associates send their kids to schools that are at least ~20K/kid/year (and in my city most people have at least 2 kids, and many moms stay home). I think maybe people who come from money have grandparents using the tax code’s ed/med exception to gift tax to pay for private school tuition.
I grew up in a small town that was blue collar, and turned out OK. But I don’t have that optimism re my kids in city schools and I watch their progress like a hawk. I’m a more involved parent than I’d prefer to be just b/c I like to trust in Allah but I tie up my camel, so to speak. [I know it’s not all rainbows and unicorns at Country Day, but it feels awful to send your kids to schools that are much better than the ones I went to but that almost none of my coworkers will send their kids to.]
Anon
I agree with what others have said re: gifted parents making gifted kids, but I’d also like to point out that people comment on threads that are relevant to them. It wouldn’t make sense for people with average or below-average kids to jump onto a thread about above-average kids just to let us all know their average kid exists, too.
Anonymous
I find it fascinating to read, so not tired of it. I don’t have children, and I grew up hard — been self supporting since I was 14. I used to go to school, do the work required for the semester in the first two weeks, and then either read novels or hang out. No one knew or cared until a teacher changed by A- on an exam to F because I didn’t go to class. The vice principal got involved, was appropriately embarrassed that no one realized I had been bagging school for a few years, and made the teacher change my grade back. Life went on, and when I had an IQ test in my 30’s, I found out it’s 179. That’s cool, I’ve been very successful, but I like to read these posts about gifted classes and daydream about what might have been. My hope is that I’d be a surgeon like on Gray’s Anatomy!
Anon
Wow, this is very sad. I’m glad to see you have such a positive outlook.
Anon
Yep, similar. My life is pretty okay now, but it does rankle from time to time to hear people talk who were born on third base and thought they hit a triple.
Anon
No, this is Lake Wobegon!
Also, it’s a lot easier for a kid to learn and be gifted in school when their parents are rich.
Anon
+10000000
Honestly I’m fine with the kids. It’s the parental bragging disguised as hand-wringing that I can’t stand.
Nylon or Canvas Tote with Crossbody Strap?
Looking for a large-ish nylon or waxed canvas tote for daily use with a crossbody strap. I drive to work but park a few blocks away and usually have a lot to carry on the walk in. I bought one years ago that is no longer sold and it’s literally corroding from the inside so I have to replace it. Prefer tote straps with long drops to those that sit too close to your arm pits. Thanks!
anon
It’s missing the crossbody but a Longchamp large tote otherwise fits the bill.
Anon
There’s also a crossbody Longchamp.
Ribena
Yes, not as widely seen (at least in the U.K.) but it’s called the Hobo. I have one and it’s fantastic, the internal zipped pocket makes such a difference for things like paperwork.
Anon
I have it and don’t love it – I think it looks great for a cross-body and I do like the strap, but I find the opening a little tight to get things in and it’s hard to keep the contents organized.
anonandon
Dagne Dover midi tote?
PHX
Bagallini Avenue tote. Long drop handles and a cross body strap. Wears like steel and comes in lots of different colors.
Anon
Why not a backpack?
Mpls
Something from the Duluth Pack store?
Lana Del Raygun
If I have been invited to a semi-potluck labor day cookout, is it obnoxious or helpful to reply-all with the AFL-CIO union-made cookout guide? Details that might mitigate obnoxiousness: the hostess is left-leaning and a M4A stan; the invitation included a quote about worker’s rights so it’s not *just* a long-weekend cookout; I am a steward in my union so I feel like I have a bit of license here?
anon
What is a union-made cookout guide? I also don’t know what an M4A stan is. To answer the question: tread carefully. Reply alls are often obnoxious for no reason other than being reply alls!
Anon
Yeah I agree with your politics completely (I think M4A is Medicare for All) but I hate people who reply all. I wouldn’t do it.
Lana Del Raygun
Oh sorry, M4A is Medicare for All; the list is just a list of union-made products like hot dogs.
Anonymous
It seems like backseat driving. Let the hostess run her cookout. If someone asks for suggestions and no one else responds, then you could maybe offer to the asker .
Anon
Lana, I’m hoping you learned something in school about communicating non-jargon to industry outsiders. If not, you should really brush up, it’s a basic communication tool that is useful to have. I feel pain for people who you actually have to work with trying to decipher your emails.
Mrs. Jones
+1
also, when in doubt, don’t reply to all.
Lana Del Raygun
tyvm 4 ur concern
Anonymous
Wow that’s really uncalled for
Anon
+1 this response is so mean!
Anon
Yes, it would be obnoxious. You know, you don’t HAVE to go. And honestly, you seem like the evil one here trying to sh*t on someone who is ACTUALLY acknowledging the point of the holiday – pro-labor and workers. Just because you want a meaningless BBQ doesn’t mean others don’t. Just chill the f out. And no, being active in your own union doesn’t make you immune to acting ignorant and holier than though.
Anonymous
I think you’re missing the point of the post and have jumped into being very judge-y. The cookout guide shows union-made products for people who want to support labor or Labor Day. I’ve seen this shared dozens of times on social media and seems completely appropriate to send to the invitees along with a quick note of what you’ll be bringing to the potluck. I don’t think there is anything ignorant or holier than thou in the post– the guide is very much in line with the tone of the host’s invite email. It is your attitude that is holier than thou and ignorant.
Anon
I’m not sure about emailing the cookbook – that’s very much a know-your-audience type thing, but I’m tickled to death to know that it exists and will be checking it out. I love these kinds of lists so I can make informed buying decisions. Thanks!
Coach Laura
If you’ve ever been to a “real” Labor Day picnic organized by a strong union, you’ll know that it is different from a neighborhood backyard Labor Day picnic. That being said, I would try to email a link to the relevant cookbook or list of acceptable union products instead and yes, reply all if it’s just links and an FYI. Have fun, Lana!
Anon
I think you’re missing the point here, but yes, it is obnoxious.
Anon
I think it’s the exact opposite? Sounds like the BBQ is generic and Lana is trying to emphasize the labor aspect of it. I’m so confused by this reply.
Anon
I honestly do not understand what you are asking. What is a cookout guide? Is it related to cookout safety?
Anon
Yeah that’s obnoxious.
Sister in Socialism
Feel free to post the cookout guide here!
Send it to the hostess/cookout captain on the side. wink emoji.
Solidary forever, comrade!
Lana Del Raygun
https://aflcio.org/MadeInAmerica Here’s all their lists, which are annoyingly organized by occasion rather than product type, so they have hot dogs and beers under every holiday you might have a cookout for, but you have to guess that women’s clothes are under Mother’s Day. Solidarity forever!
Anon
:)
Anon
:)
Anon
You could do this as a host, but as a guest it’s obnoxious. Send it to the host if you’re on that level with her, but not the entire guest list. Just no.
Anon
I will give you an example. Say you’re vegan and your hosts are foodies who eat grass fed beef, organic veggies etc. so you feel like on some level they’re concerned about what they eat, so you should send everyone your How To Do A Vegan cookout link.
anon
Unless you know everyone on the thread, I wouldn’t.
Anonymous
Obnoxious! What on earth?!? No one wants a bossy self-righteous know it all telling them how to have a potluck.
Anon
And socialist
Anonymous
It’s 1000% obnoxious. If you were the host, you could do this – but merely being invited to a potluck gives you no say in how others prepare/choose their dishes.
Anonymous
If you have to ask, you should know the answer is “no.”
anon
Ok, so I googled this, being a steward in my union as well, and I am on the fence. Since everyone was asking: The cookout guide is a buying guide for the brands of hotdogs, beer etc. that are produced in the USA by unionized workers. So it’s essentially a where to put your money if you want to support unionized businesses BBQ-theme guide.
Now at least we all know what we’re talking about.
Senior Attorney
I think this sounds great. I’d suggest sending it to the party hosts, to send along to their guests or not as they choose.
Anonymous
So, I’ll go against the flow. I’d love to get that guide! Maybe Lana would post a link?
Anonymous
Yeah that’s what I thought. And not it is not appropriate at all
Triangle Pose
Genuinely curious here. Why would you EVER do this? Seriously, reply all when a hostess sent out an invite to a BBQ? If you want to be helpful, you could just send to hostess. And even then, it’s really presumptuous because her party, her shopping, her choice. Why would reply all even be an option? I am genuinely baffled.
Anon
She said it’s a potluck, so the hostess is obviously not the only one shopping and cooking. I agree that replying all is not a great idea but I think it’s very different than replying all when the host is providing all the food and the guests are just showing up.
Lana Del Raygun
I was going to reply-all anyway because I know there are dietary restrictions in this friend group I need to take into account for my contribution but I don’t know what they all are.
Anonymous
Yeah you’d only be doing it to be preachy. You want a union themed bbq you host one.
anon
I think what makes it different from any random BBQ is that this is labor day. It’s a day off to honor workers.
Triangle Pose
She said “semi” potluck and if there’s a hostess, IMO reasoning still stands. You let hostess run her own potluck, no need to tell or suggest to people what to buy, they know what they are doing. But hey, you know the group best, shrug.
anon
I have no idea what any of this means.
PolyD
The “stan” thing is very puzzling. Is this the new lingo that the youngsters are sporting? What does it mean?
Anon
No one needs to know what “stan” means, but I did think of that Colbert/Marshall Mathers interview skit when I started attempting to explain (I gave up).
Ms B
“Stan” arose in fandom culture. It is a combination of “stalker” and “fan”. I am not fond of the literal interpretation, but the current usage by the Kidz tends more towards “strongly endorse” or “follow”.
I am an etymology nerd, what can I say?
Yes
Yes, it’s youngster lingo, it’s a combination of “stalker” and “fan,” it can be a verb… as in, “We stan these union hotdogs for the BBQ next week!” Meaning we love our union so much that we are a big stalker fan of these hotdogs. Or, more simply, “we stan Taylor Swift” or any other celeb.
Anon
Just to be pedantic, it didn’t come from “stalker + fan” it came from the Eminem song “Stan” – about an obsessed fan.
anon
I could imagine something like this being fun and fine in the circles I run in. I think it depends who is going to the BBQ and what you say in the email, if you were to send it. But if it’s not a crowd with progressive politics, don’t do it.
Anonymous
It’s a little odd but I think it’s fine. Obviously people are replying harshly because there’s a lot of wealthy people on here who are hostile to unions.
DoesntBelongHere
Does anyone have the Lo and Sons Hanover Deluxe 2 (the bigger one)? Any comments about comfort? I’m struggling to find a backpack that’s large enough for my documents that doesn’t make my back ache. My documents aren’t heavy, just big in size.
Young Anon needs budgeting guidance!
I’ve just moved to NYC, am finishing my last two law school classes online (thankful for that opportunity), and have my first job with healthcare. I’ve only gotten one paycheck so far, and for the first time in my life, I need to teach myself how to budget. I’ve always been good with money, as in I’m about to pay off all my credit cards (or very close to it) and don’t spend extravagantly. But quite honestly, I’ve just lived paycheck to paycheck all my life because of my mother’s personal financial situation and then my own. I was lucky enough to have a family member buy me an old car in cash, so I’ve never had a car payment. I was on state health insurance back home, so I’ve never had to worry about that. I’m making quite enough to cover my bills and spending, I’ve just never had to “think” about it. Does anyone have any app (or the sorts) recommendations to track spending? Do people recommend I use my CC for daily purchases, then pay it off in full every month? I know people who do this for the cash back, but honestly using CCs scares me after seeing my mom go through it financially. I know this is a lot but I hope it all makes sense and it’s easy to see where I’m coming from/what I mean. Thank you!
Anon
Since you already have a proven track record of paying off your own CC each month, I’d put most purchases on a CC with good rewards. It has multiple benefits – cash back, much more secure than using a debit card, it can be fun to find ways to maximize your points, and you build up your credit history. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you understand the risks of living beyond your means – I think you’ll be okay. Just don’t dramatically increase your spending even if you start making more money.
Anonymous
Actually, she says she’s still carrying balances on more than one credit card: ” about to pay off all my credit cards (or very close to it).” “All my credit cards” sounds like 3 or more to me. So she hasn’t established that habit yet.
OP, good for you for working on getting that debt paid off. Until you have some experience under your belt of paying off a credit card each month, I wouldn’t use it for ordinary life expenses. It will be too easy to go back I’d establish some good basic budget habits first, and get used to only buying what you have money on hand for.
Anonymous
Use something like Mint or YNAB (g**gle it) to track and assign each dollar to a job. Make sure you are partaking in your employer’s benefit programs if you’re eligible. In particular, if you are eligible for 401K benefits and there is an employer match, make sure you are contributing AT LEAST as much as the match. Read you are a bada$$ at making money. It’s good. Also, Broke Millenial and Broke Millenial Takes on Investing are good reads. Keep doing what you’ve been doing. For daily expenses, either use a credit card with great points / rewards for daily purchases and set up autopayments. Use autopayments for pretty much all recurring bills – use your best points/rewards card for this to get the most bang. As long as you pay it off monthly, you are good. You can even get yourself in the habit of making a payment with each pay check you get. Remember, you are not your mother. (I have this issue and have to keep working through it w/ my therapist tbh) You can decide to educate yourself on finances and do things differently than she did. (Also this is not a judgment on her)
busybee
Congratulations! Many people use Mint and You Need A Budget. I personally preferred using a plain old Excel spreadsheet because thinking about and typing in my expenses manually held me more accountable. Once you’ve determined your spending and have established what your budget will be, I suggest automating your savings so you never see them. Automatic savings and investments mean you never have to live paycheck to paycheck. Plus, seeing an artificially low balance (artificially low because your savings have been whisked away to a different account) in your bank account helps keep spending in check. If you can’t divert straight from your paycheck, set up your account so that it automatically diverts on the same day you’re paid. The 50/30/20 rule is a good guideline for establishing your personal finances.
I recommend using a credit card for daily expenses and paying it off in full each month. Rewards are a wonderful thing.
thehungryaccountant
I really like the Skimm’s write-ups on budget and personal finance. These might serve as a good starting point for thinking about your finances. https://www.theskimm.com/time-well-spent/budgeting-101
Two app recommendations: Clarity (by Marcus) focuses on weekly spending and NerdWallet has some excellent features with retirement accounts as well as monthly spending. These apps link with your various finance accounts (retirement, checking, savings, credit card spending) to give you a big-picture look at your earning and savings.
If you’re interested further, check out your local library- my branch has an excessive amount of material on budgeting.
Equestrian attorney
Start with the basics, which are your fixed expenses: rent, transit card, health insurance, phone bill, home/car insurance, netflix, etc. Make a list and add them up. What’s left each month? After that, try to break it down into categories – ie you spend X per month on food, X on clothes, X on outings, etc. Make sure you are covering essentials (ie food) before discretionary stuff. If your income allows for it I strongly strongly recommend budgeting for savings – at least 10% of your income, ideally more – and make sure you are getting an RRSP match if that’s an option for you.
Once you have an idea of the target amounts, track your spending – you can use Mint, YNAB, or a good old excel sheet – for a few months until you see how things match up. Adjust a necessary. It becomes easier as you go along.
Anon
I’m about to attend a job interview in NYC, logistics industry. I was informed that the dress code is super conservative but skirts/dresses are not allowed due to the unconventional working environment.
What options do I have?
Anonymous
A pants suit. How is this a question?
iced coffee
Seriously, the questions that get crowd sourced here sometimes are baffling to me…
Wore jeans and a lime yellow shirt
For an interview a pantsuit or dressy business casual is totally ok and expected.
Source: I was recently an administrator in a construction company.
Anon
Obviously a suit?
Aggie
Pantsuit with a straight/tapered leg (wide or boot cut pants are not allowed in some factories or similar.)
Anon
If you are afraid that pants won’t be as comfortable you could look into the new MM Lafleur origami suiting. It looks super flexible/comfortable.
Ducky
I am interested to hear more about that new line. Does anyone on here have experience with the origami suiting? Is it really the miracle that it claims to be? I would love to be able to do some stretching in my office in the afternoon when the mid-day slump hits.
Sutemi
Did they provide a guide to footwear? If skirts are not allowed for safety reasons, you probably should not wear tall or spiky heels or sandals. Consider an oxford shoe with a heel of less than 2 inches for full-foot coverage.
Anonymous
Y’all, I need some good internet thoughts. I found a lump last weekend and can’t get in for any diagnostic screening until next week after the holiday. I’d been good about putting it out of my head, but each day it’s getting harder not to focus on it. I’m just 40, so I realize rationally chances are good it’s not serious, but ugh. If I was going to be a statistical anomaly, I’d rather it be something positive. Like winning the lottery.
Monday
Sending good thoughts to you. I found a lump at age 19 (!) and was totally freaked out. It was benign, and I was told random cysts are pretty common.
Anon
Sending thoughts! It is extremely stressful to wait for diagnosis. I was in your shoes a few months ago (plus history breast cancer both side of family) and multiple lumps both breasts. Went for biopsy and it came back benign but man that was humbling. Hugs to you.
Anon
Sending good thoughts. I was half your age when I found a lump, and it was terrifying.
Most lumps are adenomas and cysts. If you need a lumpectomy for the adenoma, it’s not a big deal – a few weeks of discomfort following an outpatient surgery.
There are subtle symptoms that accompany b.c.: n-pple discharge, lumps in your lymph nodes that feel like peas, etc.
Anon
The waiting is so hard. I was in your shoes twice and it’s not just waiting for the screening mammography or ultrasound, after that there is often a biopsy and waiting for those results, not to mention waiting for the biopsy appointment. If it helps you to know, both of mine were benign adenomas. They felt like little hard bumps sitting underneath a soft cushion.
Online mental wellness
Looking to flood myself with positive mental health and wellness, preferably mainstream or mainstream-adjacent. Anyone you suggest to follow on Twitter or Instagram or TEDTalks or… any other suggestions? I’m doing all the books my library has, journaling, have looked into local support groups… I’m open to anything to help fight depression, anxiety, and anger issues.
Thank you!
Anonymous
If you are one of the many lawyers on here, check out lawyers depression project. It was started by a big law associate who came out about his mental health struggles. There are calls and articles available for those who need/want support.
Anon
I’ve really benefited from some of the posts about psychology on the blog The Happy Talent. She had good tips about time management, how to stop negative anxiety spirals, how to develop charisma, how to make new friends as an adult, and other stuff that I found very practical and actionable. I’ve posted links to some of her posts here before, but you can find a lot more by digging around: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/category/self-help
Warning, some of her political-ish posts aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but I really encourage you to try the psychology posts. Nothing else helped me as much.
Anonymous
Respectfully, I don’t think you can flood those emotions out of yourself. How are you dealing with the feelings themselves?
OP
I am noticing them, using coping strategies in the moment, journaling about them, using stress management. I’m on meds and go to therapy. I don’t think I’d like to NEVER have these feelings, but I’d like to be able to handle them better and I’m looking for tools. Is that what you mean?
Design Help - Off Centered Lighting
Our dining room table is slightly off center to the light fixture hole in the ceiling above – like 6 inches off center, if that. The hole is centered to the room’s walls, but the wide door ways at either end of the dining room are off centered, and the table is centered to the doorways, not the overall room.
What do I do for a light fixture so that everything doesn’t look like an asymmetrical hot mess? Does it even matter if the fixture isn’t perfectly centered over the table?
I need coffee
What I have seen done in the past is to choose a light fixture that has a chain. You can then swag the chain a bit to a hook where center above table would be, and have the light fixture drop down from there. My mom’s house has this for one of the light’s, and I think it looks good.
nutella
Yes, you either swag the light fixture, re-do the hole (although make sure an electrician can do it), or an alternative would be to do multiple light fixtures over the dining table.
Senior Attorney
It’s not the hugest job in the world to move the light fixture. I might do that and have done with it.
Senior Attorney
Yeah and by “do that,” I mean “hire somebody to do that.”
anne-on
You could totally swag the chain, but we had a similar situation and it bugged me enough that we had a handyman move the light, and then installed a decorative ceiling medallion to hide the bigger hole that needed to be cut into the plaster (they’re pretty cheap if you don’t care if they’re actual wood).
CHL
We just purposefully put our new table off center and installed a new light fixture right over it. My designer suggested it and we were a little nervous but it looks really cool and intentional. Cost a couple hundred bucks for the installation and then we had to patch the ceiling.
Anon
I know that’s not the biggest deal in the world, but it would drive me crazy and I would probably pay a handyman or electrician or whoever to move the light. It’s probably not the hardest DIY project, but I know I’d never get around to actually doing it myself.
SC
We had a similar situation and moved the light (and used a new fixture). By “we,” I mean DH and my dad, who did it in about half a day, plus some time for DH to sand and paint the patch once it dried.
Anon
My dining room is like this. I am the only person who has ever noticed it, to be honest. The table is not perfectly centered under the light fixture. When I move the table to be centered, I don’t like it, so i just live with the light fixture being where it is, and again, no one has ever noticed it.
I hope this helps you perspective-wise.
Anon.
Same experience in my last house. Had we been planning to live there for a super long time I suppose it would have eventually bugged me enough to do something. But for the 3 1/2 years we were there not one single person commented on it.
Senior Attorney
Although I don’t disagree that it may not be a big enough deal to do anything about, I don’t necessarily agree that “no one has ever commented on it” necessarily equates to “no one has ever noticed.” It’s possible your friends are just polite adults.
That said, you may want to live with it for a while and see if you become more annoyed by it over time, or whether you just tune it out.
Ariadne
In the early 2000s, I wore loose bootcut or slightly flared pants from a flowy crepe material with a sporty type wedge shoe, and even a runner with a slight wedge— sort of a subdued mall version of spice girls runners. I like that these styles are coming back and I was wondering if I could pull off this look as a woman in my late forties, or if it would read less current?
I’ve been eying the Clark’s women’s Sharon Noel oxfords, and wondering if these shoes with full length(not cropped) bootcuts or gentle flares would look off. I generally do not wear pants that much anymore save a few pairs, as I’m mostly a skirts and dress wearer, but I want to add this look to my rotation and wear this with various tops, blouses, and a cardi. Is this a current look? Thanks for your help!
Annie
The shoes are fine- but unless you’re a known for being super super stylish and ahead of the trends already, I’d wear these with slim cropped pants for the next year or two.
Anon
Just wear what you want to wear! Trends ultimately matter so little and there’s nothing more stylish than a woman who wears what she wants and owns it.
Ariadne
Thank you for the suggestions! I’m not a super fashionable person— I would say more colourful artsy/ feminine / classic style— I’m also pants challenged in terms of trends (have black skinny jeans, grey slim pants, and one dark looser ankle ankle pant:)
Anon
Gently, I would say those shoes aren’t super stylish so I wouldn’t wear them with bootcuts (which would read really dated).
Ariadne
I’m on the fence with the shoes too, (I like the idea of a chunky heel or flat oxford, but not sure if these are the ones) so good to have feedback. I have foot issues too, so I may need to buy a shoe like a vionic or Ecco flat that can accommodate a custom orthotic.
Anonymous
It 11 and I’ve only billed an hour so far today. I had trouble sleeping last night. I feel super brain dead and any minor effect the morning caffeine had is wearing off. Anyone else struggling today?
Anon
Yes! Me me me. I went to an appointment at a fertility clinic this morning and after lots of testing was finally given the result that I have very (very) low ovarian reserve. I’m not even 28. Here I was thinking I could wait a few more years before seriously considering parenthood…but nope, my clock has been ticking even faster than I ever imagined in the background without me knowing it. I also cannot afford to freeze my eggs either. My head is not in the game today.
Vicky Austin
So much. Solidarity.
Aurora
Majorly. Also billed a bit over an hour before noon today, and am stopping between every task to watch YouTube or read a blog because I just can’t focus. Dashed off an email to a partner and realized 2 minutes later it was chock full of typos and some sentences were almost not readable.
In possibly related news, I’ve finally started using my FitBit to track sleep and it turns out even on nights I ~think~ I’m being good(ish) I’m getting 6, maybe 7 hours of actual rest, and more often am in the 4-5 range. I though I was SO good last night – did bedtime yoga, lights off before midnight and didn’t get up until 8 AM — 6.5 hours of actual sleep. Ugh.
Just barreling desperately towards the long weekend.
Anonymous
How do you force yourself to work on a case/project/assignment/whatever that you hate? I find myself procrastinating and dreading working on a case I strongly dislike and it makes it so. much. worse. than just doing the work in the normal course.
Anon
I make a to-do list and break the unlikeable thing into small pieces. Then I tell myself I’m not leaving today until I do at least one piece. Very often that will lead me to doing more than one piece once I get started, but the deal with myself is that I only have to do one.
Anon
I sympathize. That has been my life for the last month. I also break it up into small pieces and take lots of breaks. I am a terrible procrastinator, but I find it’s so much better if I just take five minutes and start small. Putting it off and putting it off just makes it worse in the long run.