Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Supima Cotton Short Sleeve Crewneck Sweater

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1. My house has an incredible ability to never be warm if the heat is on or cool if the AC is on. I was just introduced to the idea of box fans (blowing out if it’s hot inside and out, blowing in if it’s cool outside) from everyone here (thanks!). I’m in an ooooold victorian that was updated during the 2007 crisis, so corners were cut and decisions were made. Among them, no insulation (I tell all my friends searching for houses in my area to have their inspector check this!). I have a long term plan to get insulation, but that is 1-2 years out. Anything else I can do to keep cool right now? And future tips for the winter (I have a heated mattress pad–life saver).

   1. Plastic to seal the windows in the cold weather months (though I wonder if it’d help keep the air conditioning in during the summer too), draft dodgers in front of windows or doors you cannot seal (or fill a tube sock with rice and knot the end), maybe go with curtains that block the sun to help with the summer and these might be thick enough to keep heat in during winter. I’m not sure your income but maybe calling around would be good to see if any companies are offering insulation sales just to keep money coming in?

   2. Blackout shades with insulation on south and west windows – this helped a lot. New windows if they’re drafty (although this is probably more expensive than insulation). There are also exhaust vents in the attic that will expel hot air in the summer and run on a thermostat.

   3. Use curtains and awnings over windows to block the sun from heating up the interior of your house. Use appropriate weatherstripping/caulk/foam to seal any gaps around windows, doors, outlets, light switches, crown molding, baseboards, attic access panels, or basically any place there is a break in the wall, ceiling, or floor surface. Close doors to rooms you don’t use. If you have central air, make sure the registers and cold air returns are not obstructed, closed, or blocked by furniture. Switch out any hot incandescent or halogen light bulbs with LED versions. Use smaller appliances for cooking (slow cookers or microwave instead of the big oven) if possible.

   4. We live in a brick bungalow and our bedroom gets very warm – it’s on the west-facing wall of the house, so the bricks just soak up that sunshine and hold it like an oven. So far we’ve been closing other vents in the house before we go to bed to push more cold air into the room – has been moderately successful so far. If we figure out something else I’ll post again.

   5. I have a similar issue. For the summer months – blackout curtains or shades on all your windows. Keep them drawn all day except for in rooms where you need the natural light. Run the box fans in bedrooms only at night when the temperature drops, then seal the rooms up in the morning. Doing those two things (cool air in at night, closing down the room to air/light in the morning) keeps our bedroom at least 6 degrees cooler than not.

   6. If you can swing an attic fan they are amazing. We turn ours on in the evening and it sucks all the hot air through the attic and replaces it with cool air coming in through our downstairs windows and doors. In our area the temperature can drop 5-10 degrees at sundown so we can really cool down the house then.

   7. If you can swing it, it may be better to partially insulate the house now rather than doing the whole thing at once later. Attics are typically easy to insulate and make the biggest impact.

      1. Agreed. I had a similar problem and nothing helped until this insulated the attic. It wasn’t that expensive. I think you will be wasting your time with the rest of this.

   8. We installed a ductless mini-split in our upstairs and it has been amazing! Bonus is that you can set the upstairs for a different temperature from the downstairs.

2. I have two of these and they’re…fine. They’re good backup work shirts when I need to do laundry, but I never actively want to wear them. The neck is too high if you’re busty, but they get the job done well enough.

   1. I find Land’s End tops to be insanely boxy. The regular fit are so short that my belly button shows, yet they have giant flapping side seams. The tall fit don’t come in XS for most styles.

   2. I disagree, I have one of these shirts and I find it excellent. I’m quite busty, but I have a small frame and this walks the line of fitted but not scandalous perfectly for office wear.

   3. I’ve had success with some lands end tops but find them to be tight in the bust and shoulders, but that’s probably due to me being DD and lifting weights. Their tees and dresses work well for me though.

   4. I know they’re about to go bankrupt, and they’re down to lucky sizes, but I love these from BR: https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pcid=5032,CategoryIDs=5032&vid=3&pid=548933#pdp-page-content

      1. And this one: https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=551661002&cid=5032&pcid=5032&vid=1&grid=pds_96_732_1&cpos=101&cexp=1493&cid=CategoryIDs%3D5032&ctype=Listing&cpid=res20052908394008652956229#pdp-page-content

   5. When I click to the Land’s End link, it’s offering 60% off with code EMERALD

      1. Thanks for the code!

3. A week before lockdown, I moved from living alone to living with family. I had plans to travel often and had friends within a few hours away, so this seemed like a good idea. However, we are in month 3 of lockdown and since one person is high risk with a surgery next month, we have been told we need to stay as locked down as possible for the next 3 months to keep that person safe pre-op and post-op. A few days ago, I hit a wall with all of the togetherness and have been basically a bedroom hermit. I am sick of being a hermit but having zero alone time otherwise is just really getting to me. I am beginning to wonder if I made the wrong move and if I should plan to move out (which brings anxiety and stress) or how to know if this is just the lockdown getting to me (which also seems to be unending if I’m only, at best, halfway through this time no matter what is happening politically or legally). Insights or assurance or anything would be appreciated, I am clearly quite inside my own head lately.

   1. I’d move out if you can afford to do so. You can take precautions in selecting an apartment and hire no-contact movers.

   2. A thought, but can you afford a short term, contactless Air BNB? Years ago, I had an Air BNB for almost 4 months. It was more than I would have been paying for with a monthly rent but for the convenience of it, it was great. Granted, it was a room in a house, not an entire thing. But right now, you may be able to find a deal. And of course, only if you’re comfortable with it. I’ve heard of Air BNB hosts doing contact free and you bring you own pillows, towels, sheets, etc.

   3. Can you elaborate on what made you move back with family and if any of these reasons are still relevant? And whether your place pre-lockdown is still there or if you’ll need to get a new place? Same town? Cross country?

   4. If you move out, will you be able to see that family member at all.

   5. It sounds like your reasons for moving have been disrupted, which for me, would be reason to reevaluate the plan, move out and do what you were thinking a few years down the line.

   6. What do YOU want? Do you want to stay there and be able to help your high risk relative that is having surgery? If you move out and can’t see this family member anymore will you be more upset? This is 100% hard stuff. I’m concerned where you have become a “bedroom hermit” if you will be more isolated if you move out or if you will then be “allowed” to start seeing some friends at a safe distance. How will that impact your relationship with your family member if you choose friends over family? Are you okay with that? Are you currently the person doing their grocery shopping and pharmacy runs and bringing them to the doctors?

      1. These are all way better questions to ask then my knee jerk response below which was basically, get out!

   7. I would move out. 3 months of additional lock down (and the enormous pressure that will come from that even when running to the grocery store or what have you) while the rest of the world is starting to open up would be an absolute no go for me if I didn’t need to be in that situation.

   8. Lots of sympathy. I know how you feel. I am in a house with 5 other family members and it isn’t a large house. I take time to recharge in my room (sometimes several hours) before I feel well enough to go into the common areas and interact with the parents sometimes. I feel refreshed in the mornings and also after I do something energizing (outdoor walks, online fitness classes which I do in my room).
      That all to say, no advice but when you make a decision make sure you are clearheaded (i.e. not immediately fatigued, do it after a rest break).

4. My cell phone has been doing this strange thing where it drops signal without notifying me, so until I try to make a call or send a text, I don’t know it isn’t working. I then have to restart my phone and then everything comes through (voicemails and texts) showing the present time, so I don’t know how long ago things were sent and calls without voicemails don’t show up at all. I’ve tried soft and hard resets, no change. I called the company and was told I was under warranty for 2 more months but the manufacturer that fixes them was shut down for the pandemic and now the warranty time is up. They still aren’t open. Do I wait and keep the defective phone and hope they will honor warranties when they do reopen or do I just buy a replacement phone now? An annoying problem no question but I don’t have a ton of money so financial concerns do play in here.

   1. Call the company and demand a replacement phone since yours doesn’t work, is under warranty, and it’s not your fault they can’t repair it.

   2. Does the signal dropping happen everywhere or just at home? If it’s just at home, like that your apartment or house has bad service, ask about a cell signal booster from your carrier. Mine was a $30 refundable deposit and solved connection issues immediately.

   3. My last phone was doing that. It was super stressful because it would always take a few minutes to reboot and of course I would only discover it right when I needed to be on a call. And it just wasn’t part of my routine to check my phone in advance to make sure it was still working…I ended up getting it replaced under warranty.

   4. Try Reset Network Settings first.

5. Best pointed toe heels for wide, but small, feet? 3 inches at least, please.

   1. I have wide, big feed and find Paul Green fits very well.

      1. +1 for Paul Green and my feet are small (US 6, PG 3.5) and wide. I own many pairs of shoes but PG are what I end up reaching for on 90% of work days (before WFH).

   2. I like my Sam Edelman ones – I think Hazel. I don’t have small feet but a lot of pointed toe shoes are too narrow for me. These are my favorites. (Don’t buy J. Crew, no matter how cute.)

   3. Cole Haan is good for extended sizes and wide widths. Stuart Weitzman also provides a wide range of sizes, but their heels tend to run narrow.

      1. agree- SW runs very narrow. I have very average feet and I cannot wear these shoes!

   4. What are these “heels” that you speak of?

   5. M Gemi pumps – I have upwards of 12 pairs of heels in varying heel heights and colors/textures. I’m a straight size 35 but with a crazy high arch and wide little feet – these work right out of the box for me (no need to wait for them to stretch a little to not squash the width. On the higher end, Jimmy Choo is also comfortable for me right out of the box.

   6. Ally comes in 3 widths.

6. A team member recently moved to another position in our company and I am now discovering all of the mess such coworker created (corworker was not good at their job and we were working on trying to get a PIP in place before CW got the new role). I have been in this position more than once – cleaning up the mess left by a former coworker and I HATE it. I know it’s just something that happens and I have to suck it up, but CW was making far more money than CW’s quality/level of work should have earned CW and it is so frustrating!!

   I guess I should look at positively, in that the customers (internal and external) start out furstrated and more often than not, I am able to get them back to not wanting to yell /terminate their relationship at my general team/us. Sigh.

   This is maybe a big egotistical, but I also know the manager of this position (which we are backfilling) is being laid off at the end of August. I really hope that we don’t backfill this CW’s position until after that because I want to train the new person. I am in a weird position of not being the manager for this position, but being in a SME role that has to provide some training to this position and also reviews this position’s work in certain cases. And yes, in the instances where I reviewed former CW’s work, I attempt to help CW improve but it never sunk in. I also couldn’t be responsible for what I didn’t know about.

   Vent over.

   HAPPY END OF MONTH FRIDAY!

   1. I was in your shoes about a decade ago. Solidarity; it is really frustrating.

7. Minneapolis readers – wow. Thinking of you with love and support.

   1. Sending the same from the East Coast.

   2. Black readers thinking of all of you with love and support. I know this is hard for you in ways I don’t understand wherever you are.

      1. (To be clear this is in addition to thinking of Minneapolis readers).

   3. Same.

   4. If you’re out on the streets, keep yourselves as safe as you can. I will never call for you to be more civil than your oppressors.

   5. Thank you. I trust the governor and the mayors of Minneapolis and St. Paul to respond appropriately and proportionally – but its a scary, sad time.

      No one condones the riots and looting, of course, but the frustration and impatience from all of the protests (the vast majority of whom are peaceful) … I get it. The disparities here are stark and resentment and anger against the police have been building for a long time. Just last year, when a white woman got shot by a black police officer, he was convicted of murder and her family got a $20 million (!) settlement. 2 months later, after a black man was shot by a white police officer, no charges were brought and his family got $200,000 from the city.

      Trump tweeting about shooting protesters was – not helpful.

      1. The tweet was racist and fascist. Let’s use the right words.

         1. Other words: horrifying, disgusting, reprehensible, incomprehensible, saddening, enraging…I could go on.

      2. Are you talking about Jamar Clark? Probably not the best example because DNA evidence showed that he had grabbed an officer’s gun.

         1. I cannot believe that you’re bringing this BS here.

   6. I don’t even know what to say or what to do with my anger and disgust at the vile tweet from this morning, but the idea of trying to send love and support feels better. May Minneapolis find peace and may justice be done, in the short and the long run.

      1. I’m just glad that it went far enough that Twitter hid it with a content warning for inciting violence. It probably would have been better if they removed it entirely but I also understand that’s a tough thing to do when it is the freaking president tweeting it. This is all just so so so sad.

         If after catching up on all of that news you need a dash of dark humor to lighten your day a bit, there are some hysterical memes of a white woman running out of Target with some lamps she’s stealing.

         1. EEK edit to my above tweet. I am NOT glad that the President went so far. I’m glad that Twitter finally said enough. I’m glad Twitter considered it too far.

   7. These will be in mod forever bc links, but it’s early so some readers will see them. Here are some ways to financially support folks in Minneapolis:

      Official GoFundMe for George Floyd’s family: https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd?fbclid=IwAR2yML8syvnhZm0ftWJnWj_3GrNRJ4NnpGSCxydBDiHdE2ZUlJA17OnB_l8

      Two grassroots organizations directly supporting activists and protesters in MN: https://www.blackvisionsmn.org/ and https://www.reclaimtheblock.org/home

      Another local organization monitoring policing and police misconduct in MN: https://www.mpd150.com/

      MN Freedom Fund, which supplies cash bail to folks who need it: https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/donate?fbclid=IwAR3AlhuyZ2s4-420jxJuwGpYMVaCyrMuG94UduqC7PiuhsJ-1fVSqncuKoc

   8. +1 thinking of you and wishing for justice and reform

   9. Is anyone here from Minneapolis? Hard to tell from media but is it fires burning all over town or is it focused on a certain area?

      1. I grew up in St. Paul and talked to my parents this morning. As far as I can tell, the fires in Minneapolis are mostly in one general neighborhood, but the fires and looting in St. Paul happened all over. They were concentrated in the Midway neighborhood, but spread out from there. The gas station on my parents’ block was burnt last night and close to 200 buildings have been burnt or looted. I’m outraged by George Floyd’s death and the repeated police deaths in the Twin Cities (including one of my high school classmates, Philando Castile), but it’s also really sad to see so many small businesses destroyed by looters (and I’m not convinced that it’s even actual protesters in most cases).

         1. Yes. Fires around St. Paul. One person was shot near my Trader Joe’s in St. Paul last night. Two cars in my upper muddle class neighborhood were set on fire. We took our kids out of state this afternoon. It’s heartbreaking and scary in my home cities right now.

      2. The fires are mostly around the 3rd precinct. I live west of the 3rd and there has been a lot of looting and vandalism of businesses here. I can hear sirens in multiple directions right now. It’s very scary and sad. The National Guard has been sent in. I am not sure that will help.

      3. Are these residential areas or commercial? White or black majority areas or mixed?

   10. Shouldn’t you be doing something more productive with your time, like taking your hood and robe to the dry cleaners?

   11. Are the cops who murdered a man in broad daylight being arrested and if not why not?
       FTFY.

       1. +1

       2. Yes and the way to avenge for that guy and bring him back os burning down someone else’s business who is just trying to earn a living and did not help the cops in any way. Give me a break.

          1. Local businesses have actually come out in support of protestors. Businesses can be rebuilt. George Floyd cannot be in-killed. “A riot is the language of the unheard”. Educate yourself and listen to what people of color are saying here.

          2. “A riot is the language of the unheard.”

             Dr. Martin Luther King

          3. Buildings damaged included a Target (large corporation with tons of insurance), check-cashing and pawnshop chains (predatory lenders to folks without access to banks and traditional credit), and the precinct building. There are already grassroots funds being distributed to small business owners whose buildings were damaged.

             Is property worth more than human lives?

          4. There are videos of white people breaking videos and starting fires where black people had been previously peacefully protesting.

   12. People getting arrested over this and not being able to make bail — as the donation funds don’t always cover every dollar of bail plus getting themselves a criminal record over this is going to be a problem. It’s a recession. Lots of jobs lost. When things improve, lots of people will be job searching and basically every job does a background check and given how many job seekers there will be, it’ll be easier to skip over those who have any kind of violation even minor. These things hold people back and it becomes cyclical — ie slow to recover from this recession so further behind than others etc.

8. Are any of you Assistant U.S. Attorneys, civil or criminal? I have applications out and one interview set. I have experience at a larger firm and a small firm, but I’ve never been a government attorney. Please share literally anything with me about your job – good or bad.

   About how many hours a week do you work when you’re not in trial? If you’re civil, how often do you appear before the judge? Is there flexibility as to when you arrive or leave the office? Do you feel your job is secure? What was the interview process like? I’m all ears.

   1. I’ll start with the questions you asked: we are 40 hours/week, but if in trial we are of course around the clock. Most defendants plead (criminal) eventually, so in my district we are only in trial a couple times each year. But there’s no overtime for the extra work you do during trial. Flexibility differs office by office, and specifically the people in charge (your criminal chief, civil chief, unit chief, etc). My office is pretty flexible as long as you get your time in and get your work done. I’ve heard other offices are more strict on facetime, bottom in seat, etc. It just depends on the bosses.

      I do feel my job is very secure. We are all (nationwide as far as I know) WFH right now, and I’m unaware of any risk that we could be affected financially, have not heard any talk of potential layoffs, etc. The riskiest part of our job security is government shutdowns, and even then we don’t get paid during the shutdown but eventually receive backpay. It doesn’t happen often.

      Interview process is much like any other job but is very slow. Very. Slow. Turtles have won races faster. They may want to know what type of work you are interested in (it sounds like you may be leaning towards civil; I don’t know as much about the “right” answers there, but in criminal your options are white collar, violent crime, child exploitation, etc.). If you have any way to know what type of need they are trying to fill, it would be good to express your desire to do that work. Example, if you know that a prosecutor recently retired from that office who used to work white collar cases, express that you are willing to work white collar. There will also probably be ideological questions about why you want to be an AUSA– during such a challenging time in our country, you’d just like to contribute to an office that works towards making our communities safer, etc. etc. (they like wave-the-flag answers– I find AUSAs to be very invested in the ideals of justice, which of course means different things to different people, but be prepared to talk on that level).

      1. This is very helpful. Thanks!

   2. I recently left after a decade as a crim AUSA.

      Many of your questions are so, so office specific. At my big city office, 40 hours a week was uncommon — I would say at least 50 hours a week, and obviously a lot more during trial. Because of the amount of time we worked, we would have a fair amount of flexibility on when we got in. Conversely, my friends in smaller offices have more regular hours, but no more than a 15 minute variation in start time without having to take annual leave. We also had a pretty flexible dress code (since everyone had a half dozen suits in their office and a significant number of people commute by public transportation), but other offices are almost always more formal.

      The job was fantastic in many respects, but burnout was real — while few people leave immediately after their 3 year commitment is up, after a decade most of the friends who you started with are gone. Add to that political changes (that is, if you were happy with changes made during Holder’s AG stint, looking at the policy decisions trumpeted by Sessions and then Barr was a real kick in the teeth), and it take a lot to stay for a career. That said, the job was incredibly stable — I was never worried about being let go. Instead, when budgets get tight, people are not hired, so everyone’s workload increases significantly.

      And yes, the interview process and then clearance can take months and months. There is really no incentive to move quickly — there are so many talented, qualified folks applying that if someone gets a gig somewhere else, so be it. I slightly disagree on the expressing a preference on the kind of work that you want to do, though — in my office, there was no slotting in to white collar immediately, and if you said that was your priority off the bat, you would not appear to be a team player. But again, that is office specific.

   3. Criminal AUSA. Agree with the former AUSA below who said that the answers to all of these questions will be incredibly office-specific (except for job security, that is excellent nation-wide). My office averages 60-70 hours per week if not on trial, round the clock if you are. You would be laughed at if you said you wanted to work white collar cases off the bat- people only do securities fraud after 4-5 years in the office. Our interview process is different from other offices. Our office likes people with public interest experience but hires plenty of people with none but with otherwise sterling resumes. And keep in mind, a civil AUSA in my office would likely give you completely different answers!

      The best thing to do is to find current or former AUSAs in the specific office(s) where you are applying, and talk to them. I do this all the time for people that I know only by the slimmest of threads- a student of a coclerk of a professor who taught me 10 years ago was a recent example. I have never said no to an informational call. Good luck, it’s the best job out there!

9. Good morning! Looking to see if anyone has ideas or advice for getting over a tough break up, esp. where both people still care a lot for each other but had to break up for reasons other than personal incompatibility? Without getting into all the messy details, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a couple years because his life was not in a place for us to move forward in terms of living together, integrating our families, etc. (for reasons that are serious and not likely to change soon), and I cannot continue waiting for his situation to stabilize (it has been going on for years). I need to be in a relationship where I can see a real future and feel like we are moving forward towards building a life together. He agrees that he needs to focus on fixing his other stuff without worrying that he’s always letting me down. My family and friends all say that this was the right thing to do.

   At the same time, we both still enjoyed spending time together and love each other, although the strain of the circumstances has caused resentment and frustration that made it hard for me to be happy with him the past six months or so. I know that this is the right and mature decision, and that my life cannot stay in a holding pattern forever and I have to move on, but… I am crushed. He was my best friend and I miss him all the time. The thought of not spending time together anymore is devastating. I have no idea how to move forward.

   I don’t know if anyone here has experienced something like this, but it would be nice to hear anecdotal advice about how other people have gotten through it. FYI, I am seeing a therapist already, so I’m already covered on the professional mental health front. Thanks!

   1. It’s the oldest advice in the book, but time heals. Truly. You will wake up one morning, sooner than you think, and feel better. You’ll have ups and downs but you’ll make progress. I find zero contact essential to move on. Including blocking/unfollowing social media. I also personally do well with firm self talk so I do a lot of “nope, we are not dwelling on Boy now. If you want to cry about boy we can do that later.” It’s hard to just stop thinking about someone but I find trying to helpful.

      1. +1 for zero contact. It is really hard at first. Also what helped me was unfollowing our mutual contacts, I didn’t want to see photos or posts that included him anywhere on social media. Admittedly these mutual contacts became former friendships but that was the price of moving on.

   2. You get through it by understanding that the relationship is not going to work. You’ve dated for a few years as adults and it has not moved forward; it’s over. Now, if this guy is on the International Space Station and not likely to return home soon, you give it more time, but in situations where you’re both on planet Earth and free to move around, you figure out how to be together.

      If you care about him and he’s a good friend, resume the friendship months down the road when you’ve moved on. Breaking up does not have to mean having the person out of your life. Just… don’t try to resume the friendship until you have both moved on.

      1. I agree with this advice. Also, prepare yourself for the fact that “down the road” could be a long time, because all routines are so disrupted right now. It’s going to take you longer to adapt to a new normal and feel like your life is yours again. Sorry you are going through this.

      2. also, and this will only be possible when you have processed the ending of the relationship, and gotten used to not having him around: it’s going to be a memory of good times, and you can hopefully hold on to things you learned about yourself and how you approach a relationship into another one down the road. At least, for me it is better that my first serious relationship was mostly good and fun, but ultimately we were fundamentally not compatible – rather than a bad relationship that I regret, or that ended in a way that would make me question everything I thought we had. He wasn’t the One, but he was a good bf, and the thing we had together was very good for my confidence and learning what I wanted and didn’t want in a relationship, and all that is honestly a big factor in me finding and maintaining long-term happiness with my husband later.

   3. I’m sorry this is so hard. I’ve been in this position a couple of time. Hopefully your friends and family will be more empathetic than mine. It’s as if people think the break up-er has no right to grieve. That’s a load of BS. Clearly you would love to stay with this guy but it’s just not possible for reasons beyond your control. It sucks. Lean on the people who get it. Invest in things that will occupy your mind and give you something to look forward to (hard rn I know). Sending hugs.

   4. I broke up with a guy I had been living with after almost 2 and a half years because one day it literally HIT ME that his lifestyle/career/choices were going to hold me back. First of all, good for you for realizing that you needed to get out to thrive! And this may be twisted advice, but honestly, what helped me was thinking about how there are literally hundreds of thousands of men who I could love who will help me succeed, and there are an equal amount of women who will be able to have a wonderful life with him (my ex). You need to force yourself to think backwards: where do you see yourself in X amount of years and did this person truly help you get there? Forcing rationalization helps me through a lot of things. And to agree with everyone else, time does heal all so feel free to take your TIME. But know you already did the first step. It does suck when two good people who like each other don’t work out. But remember nothing has to change about the love you have for them, and now you can both figure out the rest of your journey with the right person…or solo!

      Lots of hugs!!! I can only imagine a breakup during this time. I think such an important part of a breakup, weird relationship, rocky moments, etc. is just going out and having something else to remember you’re your own person. Moments with friends, a museum, a cute person to chat up at a bar…all those things look difference now and remember that it’s not you that’s handling things poorly right now, it’s a reaction to the world right now.

   5. Echo all of the above. The task you have on your plate right now is to break the attachment to him as “your person.”

      When I left my husband several years ago I had crazy expectations that we would be friendly and talk and even use our theatre subscriptions and so on during the separation. Instead I got total radio silence from his end. I was devastated but even at the time I could see that he was doing me a favor. I just kept telling myself “the only way out is through,” and “I just have to feel like this until I don’t feel like this any more,” and “this time next year things will be SO MUCH BETTER.”

      And all three of those things turned out to be true.

      Big hugs. This is hard but life on the other side is great!

   6. You get over it with time distance and respect for the strong person you are who broke up with him and knows it was the right thing to do. Lean on your friends. You’ll miss him less as time passes. Go zero contact and spend that time with your friends, chosen family, etc.

   7. Thanks to you all for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

10. WWYD? I am 45. About a week ago I noticed some tingling sensation (not pain) in one of my br3@sts. Similar to the feeling of letdown when I nursed my kid a decade ago. It’s happened on and off since then. It doesn’t seem to be tied to any specific hormonal changes that I can tell.

    Normally I would get my annual mammogram in August. I live in a covid hotspot and am high risk — I have not gone into another building at all since early March. The imaging lab is in a 12-story medical building with 2 elevators for the whole building (I dread going there on a good day).

    Has anyone experienced something similar? Given my age it could be related to menopause or it could be…not. Would you accelerate a mammo or wait a few months? I have a standing order from my PCP so I can go whenever I want, just trying to balance the risks.

    1. Unfortunately, I can’t be of help on the mammo, but to reduce some of your risk, I would take the stairs vs. the elevator.

    2. Go. I had a mammo recently. I’m in Chicago, not really a hot spot, but the hospital was very conscious of covid safety and social distancing, etc. I don’t want to freak you out but cancer diagnosis are down 30%, not because people aren’t getting cancer but because they aren’t getting checked out.

    3. Is there another place you can get a mammogram that feels like a safer set up?

    4. I would call your doctor and discuss this with them. A mammogram isn’t necessarily the first step. Talking to a doctor is.

       1. I posted below, but my visit with my doctor didn’t result in anything useful happening. They can’t diagnose breast cancer, or any kind of breast issue, without imaging. Especially in a case where there’s no lump but there are just weird sensations going on. Some women with inflammatory breast cancer experience those types of sensations (pretty sure the OP read the same literature I did about this on the Internet when it started happening to her) and with IBC time is absolutely of the essence when it comes to getting diagnosed and starting treatment. For me, the doctor visit was a waste of time.

          1. Excuse me what? No. The correct advice is never trust an internet stranger instead of speaking to your doctor.

             1. LOL okay. That’s not what I was advocating. Maybe tomorrow try decaf.

    5. Do you have a mobile mammo in your area? My local hospital has a big converted RV thing that is located in different parts of the city on a rotating schedule.

    6. Hi! I am 43 and had the same experience last year, the “letdown” feeling in one breast. It ended up coinciding with a small bruise appearing just above my areola, which freaked me out considerably. I have fibrocystic breasts and my mom has had breast cancer so I am not messing around when things happen like that. I went to my OB/GYN who did an exam, told me she was pretty stumped as to what was going on and referred me to a breast cancer specialist. They did a 3-d mammogram and an ultrasound, and found nothing. The breast cancer specialist told me that some women experience weird sensations like that in perimenopause and it’s neurological; has nothing to do with your breasts but with the way hormones are interacting with your nervous system. (I have since had some other weird things happen that, yep, turned out to be perimenopause. It’s a wild ride, I tell you. I hate it. Anyway). The specialist told me all they could really do was monitor and see if anything else happened. The bruise went away (I had probably hit myself with a suitcase pulling it out of an overhead bin on a plane, in retrospect). The tingling sensations continued for awhile and then stopped.

       It’s always worth checking something out because while chances are small there’s something really wrong, the chance is non-zero and I am sure you know, in women our age early diagnosis of breast cancer is really important. I would not wait and go now for the mammo just so you can stop worrying about it. It was hard for me to focus on anything else for that month when I was trying to get a diagnosis; after I met with the specialist it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my mind. I would schedule an appointment and let the techs know you’re having weird sensations. I’m saying that because my initial visit to my OB/GYN wasn’t that helpful (not that she didn’t try; she’s a wonderful doctor but just didn’t have the tools to do any kind of diagnosis) and I can self-refer for a mammogram if I haven’t had one in the past year. They really don’t know what’s happening with your breasts without a mammo/ultrasound so if you can get one without going through an office visit, do that, and see what shows up. Most likely it will be nothing.

       Sorry this is happening, I know how anxiety-producing it is.

    7. I live in a hotspot (albeit in drivable suburbs) and have also had to have non-Covid bloodwork and imaging. Both providers seem to take it very seriously – limiting their number of people, waiting in the car for the appointment, masks all around, and pre-visit health questionnaire. I wore a mask, gloves, and glasses to protect pathways of infection.

       I would go for a mammogram early. I really hope it’s a “bodies be weird” situation, but if not, better to know and take action now. Additionally (and this is what really got me to get these tests dealt with in the last few weeks), everyone who can has been postponing medical care. There will be pent up demand. I weighed the risks of waiting another month, and was more concerned that I couldn’t get in to see the radiologist/there would be many more people there in the next phase and took the jump. I’m glad I did.

       If you have access to a car, can you find another radiologist? I went out of my way to not be next to the hospital for bloodwork.

       I hope this is nothing – sending your thoughts of health!

    8. I had to go into Mass General Hospital this morning – so, hotspot + major hospital that has been making headlines for the volume of covid patients they continue to treat. That all said, it was incredible how thorough they were from start to finish. I was surprised by how safe I felt given their new procedures to verify identity of patients, masks, sanitizer, etc etc.

       I would strongly encourage you to handle this exactly as you would if there were no COVID. If you would have scheduled an earlier mammo, then I would go ahead and do it now. I’m very sorry you’re going through this anxiety-inducing event and sincerely hope it’s nothing, but I’m the daughter of a woman who had three distinct breast cancer diagnosis and has beat all three of them because of her early, vigilant detection.

    9. I would get a mammo but just FYI I had breast pains as one of my peri menopausal symptoms. My doctor said it was normal. I had several clean mammograms during this time.

    10. I just made a diagnostic medical appointment myself, and the check-in process is entirely different. I will call when I get there to check in, they will let me know by phone when to come up, I go straight to the particular room instead of a waiting room, etc. The medical building is probably less crowded now than in a few months. I feel better about going to my appointment than to Target honestly.

    11. Depending on your city, and whether the suburbs are accessible to you, check and see if the imaging can be done at a location in the suburbs. I have twice annual cancer imaging done, and just didn’t want to deal with parking in and navigating the giant, multi- city block hospital campus. It turned out that they were happy to refer my imaging to a location further out in the city where it was just park out front and walk through the door right up to the reception desk.

    12. Wear a mask (of course), wait til you’re the only person in the elevator, use hand sanitizer after getting off the elevator, and GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR. Their waiting room will be sanitized and safe. I totally get putting off routine check-ups if there’s no evidence of a problem, but doctors are still open for a reason. My spouse is still seeing his pregnant patients as well as treating people for urinary tract infections, mastitis, and the usual primary-care everyday stuff that still needs attention regardless of COVID.

11. Boring question: does anyone have a fireproof safe at home that they can recommend? It seems like something I should own as an adult so I started looking around, but they all have not so great reviews.

    1. I have a handheld fireproof container, and a fireproof envelope. Neither is as theft proof as ..well, a large fireproof safe that’s bolted to the wall or floor, but it’s what I was willing to do for first steps. The case is heavy with thick walls. Holds all my documents thus far. I will upgrade, one day.
       I got the handheld case at staples. It had pretty good reviews as I recall. look up Honeywell fire and waterproof safe or chest. There are many different sizes in the collection.
       It helps me to think: mostly good reviews and having a safe to hold my documents is better than searching for perfection but not getting a safe to store my documents in. This helps with analysis paralysis when reading reviews. Also if you are worried about the bad reviews about the product, be sure and buy the item from a place where you can get good customer service (amazon may not pass that test).

    2. If you are a member, Costco has some great smaller fireproof safes. Some that are more like the size of a desktop computer tower just for documents or small valuables and some that are a little bigger (like 3x3x3) to hold other things. They usually have them in store if you have access to one, and want to physically see them. They also have the massive gun size safes, but that’s probably not needed in your case.
       We have one that is more like the 3x3x3 and though someone could steal it, it’s pretty hefty. It lives on the floor of our closet, and we mostly just keep documents like our marriage certificate, social security cards, and passports in it. We do periodically move other valuables into it when we are gone for a long trip. I like that it has enough room for bigger items and documents, and there’s a shelf so we don’t have a jumbled mess. Ours came with brackets to mount it to the floor, but we haven’t done it yet mostly because I can’t envision how it’s possible without ruining our hardwood floors.

12. I am SO burnt out. I’m working on COVID work (non healthcare setting) and while the 80+ hour weeks are in my past (for now), I’m mentally and emotionally drained. Normally I have a pretty good routine to get out of burnout but that’s in non stay at home order situations. While work hours aren’t crazy anymore, I’m still a) in a total boys club which is draining and b) working on really heavy stuff. I’m actually better at powering through when things are crazy. This fake lull is tough.

    What are you doing to stay sane and recharged during this time??

    I joked that I need a few days on a sunny beach, a few cocktails, a massage and a nap in order to break out of my funk. I can try a nap, a drink and some sunshine (and have been doing so on weekends) but I feel like it’s still not enough.

    1. I need physical release to get the stress out – backyard yoga, hiking, long bike ride?

    2. The only thing that’s saving me right now are really intense workouts. I started using the Peloton App (bike is being delivered in a few weeks!) and am using my old basement treadmill for the running workouts. The only thing that seems to help is doing the hardest possible workout I can manage.

    3. Consider taking a few days off if you live anywhere that you can do some vacation type things safely. Find a remote trail and walk in the woods. Hike a mountain – but take the less popular trails to avoid people. Can you borrow a friend’s kayak or paddleboard and spend a day on the water? These ideas don’t work as well if you live in a city obviously!

       1. I see you can’t take time off yet but can you do these things in the evenings or on weekends? It is what is keeping me sane right now. I basically go out in the woods every day after working from home and hang out by the river like I did as a kid.

    4. Can you take some time off, even a long weekend? That is the only thing that really refreshes me.

       1. Sadly, that’s not an option yet.

13. I’m a size 12-14. Typically M/L on top and L to XL on bottom – large athletic thighs and a rear. I’m trending a little larger than normal right now (covid+toddler+fertility treatments have me all kinds of messed up). I’m WFH for the duration of the summer and am finding I need more and better fitting gym shorts in my rotation. Without being able to try on in store, it’s proving really painful to find something that works. I have some C9 Target shorts that appear to be discontinued. I love them because they have pockets more than anything. Does anyone have similar body type that can make some recommendations for me, with a major bonus if they have pockets?

    Also, what do the ladies with a larger bottom half do for the thigh rub in the summer? In this first real heatwave we’ve had recently in Boston, the rub seems worse than typical and may be because I am simply bigger than normal. Thinking if casual shorts are my MO for the entire summer I might either have to just deal with it or maybe there’s some cut of shorts or product I’m not aware of. TIA.

    1. I wear the Jockey skimmies shorts under dresses in the summer. Great for chub rub.

    2. No good recommendation for the gym shorts, but for the thigh chafe i find megababe thigh rescue super helpful. It lasts the longest compared to the other suggestions of monistat/deodorant/etc. they sell it at target and Ulta.

       1. +1 for real anti chafing gel. Sometimes it lasts all day, or I have to reapply once maximum. Of course, you’ll feel that shmeer on your thighs, which might not be for everyone. Compared to the heat of another piece of clothing, I’ll go for shmeer.

          1. This is weird but that monistat anti chafing gel is a great dupe for smashbox makeup primer. I used it as a smashbox primer replacement when I was trying to cut down my sephora spend from a makeupalley rec and it totally works. I’ve moved on to Deciem’s Hylamide blur, but still would go back to it.

    3. I can’t help with shorts recommendations but click on the link below for a solution to thighs rubbing together. They literally saved my skin when I went to Las Vegas last September. They stay in place and you couldn’t see them thru any of my sundresses.

       https://www.amazon.com/Bandelettes-Elastic-Anti-Chafing-Thigh-Bands/dp/B00M747SQ6/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1IE7QP3XL6O2X&dchild=1&keywords=thigh+rub+prevention&qid=1590763695&sprefix=thigh+rub%2Clawngarden%2C148&sr=8-5

    4. North Face better than naked shorts. The pockets are plentiful and the cut is generous in the hips and thighs.

       1. Is there a women’s version? I googled and only see men’s.

    5. I’m similar size and ordered a pair of GapFit running shorts and they don’t have pockets but they are very comfortable. They have a wide waistband which I really like, don’t bunch or pool. I wasn’t sure about the fabric at first but they feel nice on the skin.

    6. Yes!!!! I’m a 16/XL on the bottom. I love Under Armour Women’s Play Up 2.0 Shorts. You can find them on Amazon for $15. They’ve got pockets and a nice loose fit. Super comfortable.

    7. For thigh rubbing, I like like the Jockey slipshorts or Bandlettes. They are required for me.

    8. I have jockey skimmies though I find they can feel a bit too hot in the summer— I mostly wear them spring and fall.
       I try and find cotton or a thin cotton blend leggings for the summer and cut it to short length. You can leave it un sewn, though they will curl a bit if they have stretch. I do a quick zig zag stitch on my machine. I buy a cheap, thinner legging, like the ones from h and m, cut and hem them and rotate them under summer dresses— I’ve travelled all over Europe during heatwaves this way and it’s served me well. I would like to try the bandalettes someone mentioned as well.

    9. For the rub, the best I’ve found is a product called Secret Shield sold by Skindura on etsy. A liberal application in the morning will last all day, even if I’m sweaty.

    10. For shorts, I love the new balance performance shorts:

        https://www.joesnewbalanceoutlet.com/product/ws53140/ws53140bk?CAWELAID=172000740000334888&CAGPSPN=pla&CAAGID=67019850419&CATCI=pla-627381802689&&CATARGETID=172000740000812743&CADevice=c&lid=92700041174445348&ds_s_kwgid=58700004806150546&ds_e_product_group_id=627381802689&ds_e_product_store_id=&ds_e_ad_type=pla&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000003849683&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgZS9tr3Z6QIVkxatBh3D7QtdEAQYBSABEgIt8fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

    11. You might try Mountain Hardwear if gear shorts would work.

    12. Body Glide for chafing. Something I picked up after starting long distance running but now I wear it anytime I’m in shorts or a skirt.

14. Paging Escape Hatch. I replied to your question asking me about compliance roles, but it wasn’t until late afternoon yesterday. I hope you see it!

15. This is an unpopular opinion – but is anyone else a little disturbed by how misogynistic the response has been to Central Park incident this week? The writing seems almost gleeful, like hooray I can be as sexist as I want because I’m calling out racism! Almost every article I’ve read includes something sexist – some outright call her a Karen (gross), others couch it as “yet another instance of a white WOMAN calling the cops on a black man” as if men have never done this. It feels very much like, oh look there’s a problem in society, how do we blame women for it?

    I’m also concerned about the chilling effect on legitimate reports. Violence against women is already underreported, and false reports make it harder on all of us. But the media portrayal of this incident is inaccurate. The news outlets portray it like, black man asks white woman to leash dog and she calls cops on him. But his own post about the story is different – they had an exchange, he said “if you’re going to do what you want then I’m going to do what I want” and started recording. In retrospect it’s clear he was referring to posting a video. But if I were alone in a secluded part of a park and a man said he’s “going to do what he wants” to me? I would absolutely feel afraid. I wouldn’t call the cops because I’d be too busy running away. But if I saw a cop while I was fleeing? Yeah I’d probably report it. I’m not excusing her totally OTT behavior, and I’m glad he recorded part of the incident and stood up for himself by calling her out, but is this extent of tarring and feathering really helping us as a society?

    1. Yes, I agree completely. The incident was horrifically racist. The response has also been incredibly sexist and the sexist undertones in the interaction itself were also completely ignored. I also don’t support online mobs. All in all, I don’t know what the solution is, but gleefully tarring and feathering a white woman isn’t it.

       It goes without saying that her behavior became inexcusable almost immediately. I’m only commenting on society’s response.

       1. I mean, if the cops had come quickly and acted aggressively, that man (or any black man in the park that the cops mistook for Cooper) could have become George Floyd. They could have died. There’s no way to overstate that. Her actions could have led to an innocent man’s death. The only way we can get people to stop making false claims is by swift, strong public outcry (just like Aaron Schlossberg, who was ripped apart on social media for being racist against Hispanic women working in a restaurant).

          1. A man confronted a woman in a park in a secluded area and refused to accept her “no” about leashing her dog. He said “I’m going to do what I want and you’re not going to like it.” I would have almost certainly called the cops and I’ll stand by that forever. That’s my right as a female in this world. The crucial difference? I wouldn’t turn my police call into a racist, overblown tirade, constantly repeating the man’s race, to try to escalate the situation.

             1. why not just leash the dog though? She was breaking the law

             2. Isn’t there a leash law there and wasn’t she in violation of it?

             3. She had no right to not have her dog leashed. Leash your damn dog in areas requiring a leash.

                Sorry, but I’m over dog owners who cannot obey leash laws and get huffy with the rest of us. I had a dog lunge at me when I was out running, and the owners response was mockery and degradation. Leash. Your. Dog.

             4. I don’t know, because a lot of dog owners are jerks? I thought this whole site has been harping on about “you can’t control other people” lately.

             5. What do you mean he refused to accept her no?? The rules say you have to leash your dog in that area of the park. She refused to accept the rules.

                His phrasing is questionable and if she had called the cops while she left a threatening situation, maybe I would have some sympathy. But that’s not what she did. She stayed in the area, prolonged an interaction with someone she was allegedly afraid of, and walked closer to him. If you think someone is going to film themself hurting you (which is dumb why would he have his camera out if he wanted to hurt her), you don’t walk closer to them and put yourself in range of violence.

                You’re being willfully ignorant here. This woman did not sound afraid until about halfway through the 911 call. She was trying to use her racial privilege to put a black man back in his place for having the nerve to question her blatantly breaking the rules of the park.

             6. Here’s a thought- leash your dog and walk away instead of trying to get a black man killed you tro11.

             7. Hey, I’m a total supporter of leash laws. It drives me insane when people don’t follow them and when dog owners lie about emotional support animals or don’t pick up after their precious puppies. I don’t, however, take it upon myself to persistently confront others about it when I see violations. This is probably because I’m a woman and I’ve been socialized to be accommodating to others, though.

             8. What the hell? He “confronted” a woman breaking the law and “refused” to accept her no about complying with the law?! No, if you’re breaking a law and someone calls you out on it and you escalate the situation by getting into an argument about it rather than apologizing and leashing your dog, you don’t get to act like a victim

             9. +1,000,000 to Anon at 10:59

             10. The thing he was going to do and she “wouldn’t like it” was to give the dog treats, since it was unleashed. You can hear him say so.

       2. What sexist undertones to the interaction? He has been nothing but kind and generous to her when she could have gotten him killed like George Floyd was. The mere existence of black men is not a threat to white women. If she didn’t like the interaction she could have walked away at ANY point. She CHOSE to escalate and try to use her privilege to threaten him. He has been very generous and kind in asking people to stop making death threats against her when she made what was very close to a death threat against him by calling the police on a black man and falsely claiming she was being attacked. If the police had responded with force, he could have been killed. As a white woman I am FURIOUS with her that she makes us seem like liars when we call the police.

          1. Yep she knew damn well she was breaking the rules but decided to lie to the police instead of just leashing her dog and walking away.

       3. I agree with this. I am very anxious when I am alone at home and the doorbell even rings! So if I were alone in the park and someone said “you aren’t going to like what I am going to do next” I would definitely freak out!!

          1. Why are you so terrified of dog treats?

          2. You should get help for your anxiety.

    2. This is a garbage comment. His comment was in relation to a bag of dog treats that he took out of his pocket. Don’t make excuses for her. She is a trash person who tried to use her white privileged to harm a black man.

       As a white woman, I’m mad at her not how it was reported. Until white women start calling each other out the situation is not going to get better. I’m glad she was fired and she should have been charged with making a false report.

       1. So if any man said “you’re not going to like what I’m about to do” to you, you’d assume he was just going to pull out a bag of dog treats? I’d be scared sh*tless.

          1. If you were scared shitless, what would you do? I probably would have grabbed my dog and ran. I probably would not have walked closer to the guy to the point he asked me to step back.

             1. this. His phrasing is a little unnerving, but he then proceeded to try to throw treats to the dog and film her for an eternity, while she shouted at him to stop filming her. It was clear at that point that his intent was to film her and he made no indication that threatened her safety. She THEN threatened to attempt murder by cop and followed through on her threat.

             2. I heard his tone of voice on the video – it was incredibly calm and not threatening. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing – she said it out loud!! I wouldn’t be scared because I am not a racist who thinks all black men are dangerous and before anyone goes there, I have been raped and sexually assaulted and harassed ALL BY WHITE MEN.

             3. Sorry anon at 11:04 – wasn’t intending to appear to dispute you. I don’t disagree with you.

          2. I don’t know about you, but when I’m legitimately scared of someone, I leave the situation, I don’t get closer to the person I’m scared of. This is a BS excuse.

             As a white woman, I’m fully on board with calling out white women for racist nonsense. Just because we experience sexism doesn’t give us the right to be racist assh*oles.

          3. I’m Anon at 10:54 and I agree, I would run too, but it’s possible that her “fight” instinct was triggered instead of flight. I wasn’t there, I don’t know. I completely agree that she immediately devolved into incredible racism and seemed to want to turn it into a battle she thought she would win, but before that point, I wouldn’t blame any woman for being scared when those words were used.

             1. Her fight instinct was to walk towards the threat? She wasn’t trapped in a room. She could have walked away at any point. There was no ‘fight’. There was nothing for her to fight against.

                He visibly took out a bag of dog treats. She wasn’t in fight mode. She wasn’t afraid at any point in the interaction. She was indigent that a black man dare to request that she obey the law. She believed herself to be above the law and actively threatened him by calling the police.

                Stop making excuses for a trash racist woman who has harmed other women who try to truthfully report crimes by her lying selfish ways. If you think she was in ANY way justified for ANY part of her actions, you need to take a long hard look at your own biases.

             2. So we’re gonna give her all the benefits of every doubt? Uh, no. There is a long, long, LONG history of white women getting black men and boys killed in exactly this manner and none of those men and boys had the benefit of any doubt at all. Nobody was standing around saying “I wasn’t there, I don’t know” when Emmett Till was being lynched.

          4. So, you think men go from “please leash your dog” to “imma rape you” in two seconds? Bish please!

             1. When they demonstrate a refusal to accept the word “no” and say “you’re not going to like what I’m going to do to you?” Women get raped with less warning than that, every damn day.

             2. The “no” wasn’t a “no, I don’t want to kiss you” or “no, please stop touching me” it was a “no, I refuse to leash my dog which is legally required”. Jesus.

             3. “Refusing to accept ‘no'” does not mean you’re breaking the law. If you refuse to accept “no” when you’re pushing for sex, you are breaking the law. If you refuse to accept “no” when asking someone to comply with the law, you are in the right.

             4. What happened to all of you that were up in arms about us being frustrated that people don’t wear masks? What happened to “accept the world you actually have” and “stop being a Karen” and “stop trying to control others?” The pandemic is life or death too.

             5. “What happened to all of you that were up in arms about us being frustrated that people don’t wear masks? What happened to “accept the world you actually have” and “stop being a Karen” and “stop trying to control others?” The pandemic is life or death too.”

                Not in the same way, at all, and if you are a lawyer like most here you know this is a complete straw-man argument and faulty logic all the way down. The subcontext of this comment, and others like it, is that Christian Cooper should have stayed silent and not created a problem for the nice white lady regardless of the fact that she was completely in the wrong – and then doubled down on her “being in the wrong” by saying she was going to make a racist false report to the police. “Black people wouldn’t have so many problems if they would just shut up” is the unspoken message there. If you don’t understand what’s wrong with that, I don’t know what else to say.

          5. He keeps dog treats with him because he has found that it is the least confrontational way to get people to leash their dogs. Which they are required to do. Either leash your dog or let a stranger give him a treat. Would it have been better if he had called the cops on her?

          6. If a man said that to me out of nowhere and without context, yeah I’d be scared. But that wasn’t the case here. She didn’t react out of fear, she reacted out of anger and indignation.

       2. While I try not to judge the comments themselves, this one is really tone deaf. I understand the thought behind it (I think) but in this case, this woman literally threatened a man’s life, on purpose, while choking a dog. She deserves the scorn, the outrage, the firing, the surrendering of her dog, and all else that comes to her. I hope she is charged with making a false report or something stronger. She knew what she was doing and she is who undermined all of us who make police reports and reports of men who harm us. Reporters didn’t do that, it was her. Let’s place blame correctly. Let’s also remember that she was trying to do what has happened to many and we also need to speak up about why someone’s report can lead to the death of someone due to their skin color.

    3. As a WOC, yes, it is helping us as a society. I don’t buy that she was afraid because when I’ve been afraid of men while walking alone, I leave the situation as fast as possible. She on the other hand prolonged it and walked toward him – you do not walk closer to your “aggressor” if you’re afraid of them. I also think that it is very important to think about the social context of white women and accusations they make against black men (going all the way back to Emmitt Till and further). I know the patriarchy has painted women as weaker than men and that’s obviously sexist and detrimental to both genders, but the idea of a fragile white woman being attacked by a scary black man has been used to justify brutality against black people for centuries and continues to this day.

       FWIW, I do think the Karen meme is often used in a sexist way (especially by young White guys). This was an appropriate use of it IMO.

       1. There is no appropriate or necessary use of Karen. You can describe the situation, as you did accurately in your first paragraph, without resorting to cheap misogyny. It adds nothing.

          1. Just curious – when people were pejoratively using the name Shaniqua – did it ever bother you? Did you ever comment about it?

             1. +1 million, also “Felicia”

             2. Not OP, but I genuinely did not know that was a thing.

             3. I have been thinking of this the whole time with regards to Karen outrage. Traditional black names have been tossed around for YEARS to mean ghetto, unruly, uneducated, etc. No one outside of the black community batted an eye. Why the outage now over the use of Karen? Because it affects white people. It’s ridiculous.

             4. I’ve never heard it either. I don’t think it’s okay and it is in fact worse for names that “sound black” to be used in that way, but I simply hadn’t ever heard Shaniqua used in a pejorative way.

             5. +1M

             6. To anon at 12:33, +1M.

                If you’ve got time to complain about the use of Karen, you’ve got to redirect your energy to faaaar more pressing issues in this world.

          2. I am not sure that I agree. I have an “If the shoe fits…” attitude towards the “Karen” stereotype. I think the behaviors associated with the stereotype are specific to white women because they take advantage of roles, expectations, and opportunities available to white women (even as opposed to white men).

             1. This. As a white woman, I hate the Karen trope but it exists because many white women try to abuse their privilege in exactly the same way that Amy Cooper did.

             2. That reminds me of the boys in high school who would say “I only called you a sl*t because you acted like one.” I “deserved” it.

       2. “you do not walk closer to your “aggressor” if you’re afraid of them”

          Thank you. We should support women who all but leave tire tracks getting the eff out of dangerous situations, not pretending like this woman was actually scared so much as wanting to win a showdown.

       3. I really appreciate everyone who has responded here. These comments are really thoughtful and I wanted to thank you for putting the time and energy into this discussion. I’m reading and absorbing them all.

    4. It’s an unpopular opinion because it’s an objectively terrible take. I’m sorry. Read a book on racism or something. I’m too tired to argue with strangers on the Internet, but um…yikes.

       1. Yes this. It’s unpopular because it’s racist and ignorant.

       2. Oh please. It’s possible to think 1) the incident was horrible and 2) the gleefully misogynistic media response is horrible too, which is exactly what OP is saying. These comments calling OP racist and ignorant are so off base.

    5. I am not offended by the coverage of this because the caller was purposely using her status as a white woman to make the incident sound “scarier” when she called the police. She hoped that sounding like a frightened woman calling about an African American man would prompt a certain response.

       I’m very aware that if I go up to a police officer as a put-together white woman, I will get a friendly and helpful response the vast majority of the time, and they will almost always take my concerns seriously. That’s the bias she was exploiting in this situation, and we need to call it out.

       1. I once set off the alarm at my mom’s house (I was coming by to check on something while she was away and the alarm keypad died on me so I couldn’t turn it off) which resulted in police being dispatched. I was nervous about not having any ID/proof of having a right to be in this house but the cops never even asked me who I was or why I was there. They just asked me if I was okay. I am also a put-together white woman and this took place in a very affluent neighborhood. I imagine someone who didn’t look like me would’ve had a very different experience.

          1. Yup. I once set off the alarm in my rental, in a white affluent neighborhood. Cops never even asked any proof that I lived there or anything.

             1. Yes! I’ve had this exact scenario happen. Also things like getting help when I locked my keys in my car, and being offered an escort to my car by security or the police if I’m leaving a building late at night. I have never had an authority figure like a police officer question whether I belong somewhere, and they have always done extra to make sure I feel safe. This is an immense privilege, and anyone who takes advantage of it— especially in a way that could get someone murdered (!!) is Very Bad.

    6. I’m kind of staggered that you posted this, given that we’ve seen what happens to black men when police get involved in a situation, over and over, and another tragedy in fact happened again within days of the Central Park incident with the privileged Karen who had the unleashed dog. She called the police knowing (because everyone has to know this by now) that there was a very real possibility the black man she was interacting with would be injured or killed by the police. And she didn’t care. She cared more about protecting her reputation than she cared about his life. Sort of like women in history who lied about having consensual sex with black men, claimed they had been raped, and got black men lynched as a result. Her wanton disregard for human life and for that man’s fundamental human dignity were the only things about the story that were “disturbing” for me. And then mere hours later George Floyd gets murdered by the police in Minneapolis for a nonviolent offense. Very sorry but I see the death of a black man at the hands of the police as being severely more tragic and concerning than a white woman getting publicly shamed and losing her job for being transparently racist. I’ve been thinking George Floyd way more than the Central Park Karen incident. If you don’t understand why – man, you have a LOT of self-education to do. Better get started.

       P.S. your post and your views are why black women are exhausted and despairing when it comes to white feminists. Because you care more about protecting white women, regardless of their actions, more than you care about preserving black lives. I absolutely do not blame black feminists for being angry and tired; I cannot imagine what it’s like to have to confront this kind of blatant racism and patent selfishness and self-involvement day after day after day. P.S. again I am a white female feminist.

       1. +1 million to all of this, especially the P.S. which really accurately reflects my biggest issue with the post (focusing more about protecting the reputation of white woman over black lives).

       2. +2 to all of this, as a WOC.

       3. + a million. WOC here. You should not care more about “Karen” as a term or any sexism in the interaction when she weaponized her white woman tears to put a black male life in danger.

       4. +a million

       5. Did you read the same post I did? OP doesn’t come off as “caring more” about protecting white women, she’s making a perfectly valid point that it’s possible to call out racism without being sexist. It IS concerning that that’s not what’s happening.

          1. +1.

          2. Yep, I sure did.

    7. Nope not at all.

    8. It’s not misogynistic to point out that white women have historically been violent towards black men and women in unique ways. The idea of defending a “white woman’s honor” is a relic of slavery/Jim Crow that is unfortunately still very active. I will reply to my post with a WaPo article that explains this further.

       Additionally, please don’t mischaracterize Mr. Cooper’s statement that he was going to “do what he wanted” and that was somehow a violent threat. He was going to record her. At no time did he take a single step toward her. White women (myself included) are trained to believe that black men and black bodies are dangerous to us and we need to do serious work on ourselves to combat it.

       1. I’ve thought about this very real issue and I wanted to post asking for advice on it but I didn’t know how to word it without sounding like a terrible racist. I grew up in a very white area. I realize I have internalized socialized racism in the sense that I find large black men more intimidating than large white men. There is a post of a black father sitting in a kid’s pool with his kids and the mom writing about how so many people see him as a threat just because he’s big and black. I have to admit, when I saw his picture I thought “I wouldn’t want to mess with him.”

          To this day I feel guilty about a situation I misinterpreted. I was an upperclassmen at a small (mostly white) liberal arts college leading freshmen orientation. We had very few non-traditional students. I’d say 99% were 18 years old. This approx. 30 year old black man started following my group around and when I tried to talk with him he spoke very limited English. I’m sad to say I ultimately contacted campus security because I was frightened by him. It turns out that he was a non-traditional exchange student trying to find his group. He wasn’t supposed to be in my group but he was supposed to be on campus. I try to tell myself that I reacted as I did because of his age and his inability to explain why he was following us but I also think his race may have played a part in my thought processes.

          1. You know, this isn’t completely foreign to me, and recognizing one’s own biases is the first step. Continuing to read more on systemic discrimination is part of the work. I honestly don’t know what the final goal is, but I hope that it is progress when I feel nervous about somebody on a train or in a street late at night, that I am able to hit pause and ask myself ‘is this person doing anything that makes me feel nervous or is this a racist reflex because they are black?’ There is also a lot in Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahnemann, that applies here(very interesting, although honestly a difficult read). Our brains are optimized to save energy, making fast decisions that can be sloppy. That includes applying racist stereotypes. The alternative is harder, so you have to practice it.

             1. There’s an online resource containing anti-racism materials for white people. It’s been going around recently and it should be early in the options when you search for it. It’s a Google doc.

    9. White women, specifically, have a unique role in perpetrating violence on black men. Read up on Emmett Till and maybe you’ll start to get it.

    10. Here’s a Washington Post article that goes more in-depth: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2020/05/27/this-invokes-history-terror-central-park-incident-between-white-woman-black-man-is-part-fraught-legacy/

    11. If we could get people to leash their dogs, we’d probably find it easier to control COVID, but we’re an individualistic and selfish society. Notice no one calls Christian Cooper a Karen for trying to get a stranger to follow the law. Only women get that fun moniker.

        The whole incident was incredibly racist and I’m ultimately glad that (Amy) Cooper faced consequences, although I could do without the overexcited online misogynists jumping into the fray.

        1. I actually have seen several articles point out that Christian Cooper was the original Karen in the situation. And he was! It’s fine to ask someone to leash their dog, but if they give you a negative response, just leave it alone, don’t try to enforce compliance. You’re not the park warden, you’ve done your best. She is a virulent racist, but he is definitely the hall monitor type.

           1. She was happy to keep her dog not leashed. She was happy to do so in a public park where other people could see her. He was not making her do anything. He was just filming her actions in a public place. It’s interesting that people are happy to do shitty stuff when they think nobody is watching, and then they get outraged at being caught.

              1. Your last sentence is amazing.

                 She was upset at being filmed because she knew she was being unreasonable, but wanted to get away with it.

              2. I’m not condoning her unleashed dog at all, I’m just saying that thinking you can control other people’s behavior is a very Karen move.

              3. actually I am coming back to my own comment here, because under higher magnification it comes to this: she was happy to disobey the leash law, as long as she thought only one black guy was asking her to change, and as long as only one black guy was seeing her not to it. As long as it would be, in a hypothetical investigation of the facts, her word against his. He started filming her, potentially exposing what she was doing to a whole other audience. That’s when she got mad.

              4. @Anon 12:27, he wasn’t trying to control her behavior though. He was documenting it.

    12. I don’t see how this would have a chilling effect on legitimate reports. Because when I saw that video and she said ‘I’m going to call the police and tell them a black man is threatening me’ MY JAW DROPPED. I can not fathom jumping to this kind of insane lie about the situation I am in. If I call the police, there will be a defendable reason for me to have thought the situation was unsafe. Even if it turns out that I was wrong in how I interpreted the facts, I can trust myself not to invent facts.
        If you saw that video and thought, ‘the same thing could happen to me’, then that’s a good first step to work on yourself.

    13. Are there misogynists using this as an opportunity to be misogynistic? Of course, that’s always the case, misogynists going to misogynist.

        What I don’t appreciate is taking a situation which has shed light on a very real race problem that happens all the time and trying to co-opt it into a situation to talk about sexism. We have plenty of way better examples to talk about sexism, can we let the conversation focus on race for once?

        Signed,
        White Woman

        1. It’s a fair point, but “for once”? Race has rightfully been at the forefront of all media coverage about this. There’s no cover-up or failure to acknowledge racism in anything I’m seeing.

           1. The OP’s post is literally asking us to focus on sexism in this situation over racism.

              1. Yeah, and it’s okay to have a different conversation about a complex issue. You don’t have to participate if you would rather keep the focus exclusively on race, which is a fair point of view and one that many would agree with.

              2. I can choose not to participate but I think it’s important to call out OP for using her own privilege to try to shift the conversation. I also think her post is ignorant and racist like many others have pointed out.

              3. Sure, but we don’t know OP’s race. All we know is that she is female, which is not an axis of privilege by any definition. I think it’s fair for her to start this thread, but I would be pissed if she had inserted it on the Minneapolis thread above where it couldn’t be collapsed and could only be seen as derailing.

              4. Anon @ 11:45 – C’mon. OP is complaining that a national conversation about race and privilege isn’t more deferential to white women.

                 I am 99.99% sure that OP is a white women

              5. What on earth? Where are you getting “deferential”? OP was pointing out that there has been grossly sexist stuff said about this – and she’s right.

              6. “What on earth? Where are you getting “deferential”? OP was pointing out that there has been grossly sexist stuff said about this – and she’s right.”

                 Go back and read the OP’s post again. The general tone is “it’s too bad Amy Cooper was racist and ya that’s bad and stuff but OMG! People are using the term ‘Karen’ and it’s soooo sexist! That offends my white lady sensibilities and that is the REAL issue here!!”

                 The offense against white lady sensibilities is not, in fact, the real issue here. And anyone who wants to claim the sexism in the response to the situation is more troubling than the racism blatantly exhibited in the actual situation needs to go back and think about this whole thing some more. Like, think about it really hard, for a long time.

    14. The entire concept of badgering someone to leash their dog and then filming it when they refuse is foreign to me. That’s so weird, honestly. I see people who don’t leash their dogs literally every day and it’s annoying, but I’ve never once thought “you know, let me get in their face and get my camera.”

        1. Are you a POC?

           1. Why does this matter?

              1. Because white people don’t generally think they need to record people’s reactions to them because they don’t face the same type of racial violence that POC do in these situations. I 100% understand why his instinct was to film this and I am glad he did.

                 Not to mention at no point did he get in her face. She APPROACHED him, while he was quite a decent distance away from her and was talking to her in a calm manner.

        2. I feel strongly about this because I know three people who were injured by unleashed dogs knocking them over. I also know more than one person whose dog was injured by an unleashed dog, as well as someone whose cat was killed. I am very aware that some dogs are well trained enough to go off leash without issues, but that does not seem to be the norm in the US. So I guess I’m in favor of more open disapproval and increased accountability here.

           1. Totally agree. Three dogs have been killed in our neighborhood in the last several months by dogs who were off-leash. If anyone here is the type of person who is like “oh, my smooshy-wooshy can be off-leash because they would never hurt a fly” please stop.

           2. This. I’m so sick of unleashed dogs. An unleashed dog is not like forgetting to buckle your own seat belt. It’s an action which can cause harm to other people, other dogs or your own dog if they approach a leashed dog reactive dog.

           3. also this particular part of Central park is an area with many rare bird species nesting on the ground. Christian Cooper is an avid birdwatcher and therefore had a specific point in encouraging dog walkers to leash their dogs. I almost wrote this in response to a few comments above, but I fundamentally don’t think that Christian Cooper needed a special reason to ask another person to obey the leash laws, so as not to be called hall monitor. He had a special reason, but he really didn’t need one. This whole shtick about calling other people hall monitors for expecting you to follow the law (that we gave ourselves as a democratic society of self-governed people) is bs.

              1. I’m the one who wrote the hall monitor comment, and I stand by it. She’s awful, but I don’t see why we have to beatify him. He can be an annoying dude who encountered a way over the top reaction. Not surprising that there’s support for him here, though, as this is a board comprised of hall monitor types.

        3. The fact that you don’t think it is necessary and can’t understand it shows that you need to educate yourself about the reality of life for POC in this country. He records these interactions for exactly the reason he has stated, because he wants to have a record of the interaction. He does it exactly because of people like Amy Cooper who become angry that a black man dare to ask them to follow the rules. This probably isn’t the first time someone has threatened him for daring to ask that they follow the rules.

           I’m a white woman, but if I were a black man, I’d 100% be filming every interaction like this where I asked someone to obey the law and every interaction with police. No one believes black men unless there is a video. In this case there is a video and we are still picking apart his exact wording. Can you imagine if there wasn’t a video? We’d be all ‘poor Amy Cooper she probably felt intimidated being alone with a black man’.

        4. Not sure where you live, but in exceptionally crowded places like Manhattan, compliance with nuisance-type laws matters a lot more than it does in other places. The Ramble may have been one of the few green spaces Christian Cooper could go to that didn’t have unleashed dogs.

           1. Oh, she was totally in the wrong and I find a lot of dog owners to be consistently super rude, but it’s just odd to me to start a confrontation about it. I’ve never seen it end well because dog owners get super defensive and aggro whenever anyone asks them to follow the law. I have relatives that consistently refuse to leash their dog and you would not believe how they dig in about it.

              1. I feel really strongly about obeying leash laws because my dog is dog-reactive. Once it gets warm, she encounters dogs off leash once a week, and I pick her up. Owners “apologize” and say it’s fine because the dog is friendly, but mine is NOT and it’s me that’s in trouble if she bites them. There was a dog that was always at the park with clear “leash your dog” signs whose owners never listened, and finally I told a cop that was parked a few streets over and he talked to them.

        5. As a poc, I have experienced multiple times that white dog owners will curb their dogs when another white person or family walks by but not when a black/brown person or family does. My mother is deathly afraid of dogs after an encounter with a rabid dog, and I have been laughed at and insulted to my face by white dog owners after politely explaining that she is afraid and asking if they could kindly curb their dog for a few moments as we pass by them. So yeah, as a PoC, I can imagine being afraid that a white person’s dog might bite me and they’ll do nothing to stop that from happening.

           Second, the Audubon Society (the birdwatching group) has posted that they are glad that Mr. Cooper is ok and have reiterated the importance of leashing your dogs in that area of the park because it can harm the bird wildlife. There’s a difference between letting bad behavior go if it has no consequences and addressing it when it does – in this case, harm to the birds that are legally protected.

    15. I’m so torn on this issue. I don’t want to change the conversation from race, but then I see articles like this and I hate that I have to ignore how undeniably sexist they are:

        https://www.omaha.com/news/local/what-is-a-karen/article_fe092db8-39da-510a-b4e4-d71899a199c9.html

        For the record, I don’t think the incident itself was sexist.

        1. Also for the record, I *have* been trying to ignore the sexism in the coverage because I think the conversation about race is a much more important one right now. And I have zero sympathy for the lady involved in the incident.

    16. Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread but:

        My reaction to the Cooper video was complete and utter disgust with Amy Cooper and complete sympathy for Christian Cooper. What she did was racist, and it seems like she is facing serious (even if non-legal) consequences already. I’m glad.

        My reaction to the media coverage/social media outrage is more nuanced. While I agree that white women are often every bit as racist as white men (look at how many of them voted for Trump), and that we all need to check our privilege, can we please remember exactly WHO is killing unarmed Black men for no good reason? White men. Asian men. Black men. But mostly White men. MEN. So while White woman do bear responsibility (currently and historically) for their own racism, and need to examine themselves and do the hard work of checking their privilege, I refuse to accuse a white woman of “attempted murder” (yes, people are accusing Amy Cooper of that) because she should have foreseen that White cops would come and kill Christian Cooper when she made the report. Prosecute her for a false report, maybe. But women are not responsible for the violence of men. Men are responsible for their own violence, whether racist or misogynist or whatever. White men killed Emmett Till, remember that.

        1. The police I know have just as robust a concept of “murder by cop” as they do of “suicide by cop.” They know that people try (by lying) to put them in situations where following their own training (training that I personally think is wrong) could lead them to kill someone who poses no threat. I don’t think it’s as simple as you’re making it.

        2. +1000. Male violence, especially white male violence, is the most destructive enemy we have here. Let’s not lose sight of that because it’s easier to pick off racist white women as softer targets.

        3. Right, but Amy Cooper was using her status as a white woman to entice white men* to come “protect” her. Of course each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own actions in the end, but she was being an active participant in the violence you describe.

           *I know many police officers are people of color or women and she had no way of requesting a white officer, but she was absolutely trying to invoke the “harmless white woman needs saving by a white man” trope.

           1. Yes, and she should be criticized, even punished, for that. But the conversation around what she did goes to such extremes that it is obvious there is some sexism at play here. The assumptions that people make about her, the way they call her hysterical and crazy, the “Karen” nicknames, all of that is done to women in a way that it is not done to men who perpetrate far worse.

              1. Aaron Schlossberg, who was aggressively racist against Latina women (but did not endanger their lives) got a ton of flack – so much so that his law form is still listed as a Mexican restaurant with one star on google two years later. This is not something that happens only to women.

        4. White women are responsible for their own violence. She did try to get him killed – this wasn’t a regular 911 call. She knew exactly what she was doing by emphasizing his race and faking being attack at the end. White women are responsible for emitt tills death. White women who learn they they can wield the power of the state against black people are absolutely responsible for those consequences. If you hire the hitman who are guilty of murder, regardless of who pulls the trigger

           1. +1

        5. So glad you said this. I agree with your reaction to the situation and to the coverage of it. I agree that MEN are by and large the ones perpetrating the violence. Men are using the women as an excuse to be violent. This woman is guilty of manipulating the situation, hoping that men will react with violence on her behalf, or at the very least, hoping that this man might be intimidated by that possibility. Her behavior is despicable, racist and blameworthy. It’s disgusting. Doesn’t change the fact that men are still the ones perpetrating the violence, and doing it in such a frequent and predictable manner. Men need to own their violence.

    17. She can be a horrible racist and the coverage of her can be horribly misogynistic at the same time. Both are possible and both, in this case, are true.

16. Help! My beloved boeing brightening undereye concealer has been discontinued! What is the gold standard for undereye concealers?

    Please forgive what I know is probably a super repeated question; I can’t seem to search comments on this site.

    1. Tarts Shape Tape. Moisturize the under eye area first (I use Clinique pep start under eye).

       1. Shape Tape is very good. I also like Nars Creamy Concealer. I graduated to it when Boing, which I once loved, no longer worked for my aging skin.

    2. Nars creamy concealer.

    3. I love the Clinique airbrush one.

    4. I’m dying at the typo to Boeing . . .

    5. Bobbi Brown creamy concealer.

    6. Becca undereye brightening concealer! There’s also one by Laura Mercier that people love but I have not tried that one. Is the one that’s being discontinued the NYX one?

17. Dreaming about moving: I am supposed to transfer offices in my company from the east coast to LA sometime in the future (obviously TBD when, but this has been in the works for a while now). The office is DTLA, and my partner could transfer his job to an office in Century City. Is living in the middle around La Brea the best option, or what other neighborhoods should we be thinking about?
    Maybe traffic will be loads better as things reopen because offices won’t require in-person work everyday? Maybe? haha
    I’m more familiar with the South Bay than I am the DTLA/West Hollywood/Santa Monica areas, so any suggestions would be helpful!

    1. The La Brea/Miracle Mile and Weho areas are great for a commute to either DTLA or CC – only about 20-30 minutes to either during normal commuting times. You might also consider Studio City.

    2. And yeah, I think it is not impossible that traffic will be loads better when things re-open. It’s certainly a lot better right now and they were talking on the radio this morning about the possibility of businesses flexing their hours even for the people who still go to the office.

    3. Miracle mile would be great, but I wouldn’t rule out living on the west side if you prefer being closer to the ocean (which I do, so I’m obviously biased). I work in DTLA and have many friends who live on the west side because of their partners’ jobs, and because it’s essentially a reverse commute on the 10 heading east into DTLA in the am, it’s pretty manageable (45 minutes or so from Santa Monica, less if not during rush hour). Of course this is all about your tolerance for sitting in traffic – many Angelenos are not that bothered by it but I know it can definitely throw off transplants.

       1. Living on the Westside is another definite possibility. If you have kids, you may want to look into Culver City or Santa Monica for the schools. Even if not, they are nice places, plus you may want to look along the Metro lines in case you are thinking about commuting into DTLA by train.

          1. Another area that is more reasonably priced than say, Beverly Hills, and also seems very safe is Pico-Robertson. I lived there for quite a long time and enjoyed it.

18. Talk to me about being the only woman on a management team. I’m in the early stages of discussions with a private equity company, and based on my meetings so far and LinkedIn stalking, it looks like almost all of the PE company and portfolio company’s leadership is white men. I’ve spent my career (mid 30s) in male dominated environments but being in a totally male environment as a leader gives me pause. Will my viewpoints be given equal weight? Will I be talked over in every meeting? What about health issues or if I have a kid later?

    I definitely see the lack of diversity as a red flag but not sure if I should cut the discussions off now or see it through and possibly decline an offer. Thoughts?

    1. How do you expect them to have women on the team if women refuse to be the first woman?

       1. I was kind of thinking that too, but I can also see the side of not wanting to personally be the first.

       2. +1. I’m a WOC working in private equity. I don’t have children so I can’t speak to that, but I love the work, love my coworkers, and I do not think this is a problem any more or less than anywhere else. The things you’re talking about vary enormously by workplace and by individual. I think it’s an incorrect assumption that just because people don’t look like you then you’ll be shortchanged in some way. It’s also a false assumption that people who look like you will be more supportive. I can’t imagine ever flatly turning down something just because of demographics. Explore things and see what you find. You will literally never be able to answer these questions solely based on race and gender of the people involved.

       3. They always have the option of hiring 2 women at the same time. It’s a legitimate D&I strategy that takes the burden of all these questions and concerns off of a single candidate.

       4. You’re not at all answering her very legitimate question of what it’s like to be the only woman manager. But you’re sure showing those SJWs!

          1. “I definitely see the lack of diversity as a red flag but not sure if I should cut the discussions off now or see it through and possibly decline an offer. Thoughts?”

       5. Speaking as someone in a male dominated field with a very boys club environment- it’s so effing exhausting every effing day.

          I’m not leadership and I’m not the only woman, being either makes it that much worse. I would never hold it against someone if they don’t have the energy to blaze that trail.

    2. You do realize that white men aren’t a monolith? That there are polite, respectful white men? Just like all members of any other group aren’t [insert negative adjective]. Get to know the men you’d be working with. When they ask you what questions you have, ask them about their own lives. Speak with the assistants while you’re there and see what they think.

       Another way to think about this: how big is the field of finance-type women this organization has to pull from? Women make up 14% of the Army, so I’d expect them to make up ~14% of leadership, not 50% simply because planet earth is 50% female.

       1. This is a strawman. OP never said she wanted 50% female leadership in this particular company, just that she was (rightfully imo) wary of being the sole woman manager. Women weren’t invented last year. It’s a red flag that they haven’t hired and/or retained women managers.

          1. You misunderstand. I didn’t say she wanted 50%. I asked how large the field of qualified female execs for her position is. Are there thousands of qualified women who could fill this role or only a few? She herself said the field is “male dominated.” So if, as an example, 14% of her field is women, then it makes sense that 14% would be in leadership positions. Since 14% is not a large number to pull from, and this sounds like a small firm, I wouldn’t necessarily expect it to have a female exec. It doesn’t necessarily mean that this place is an awful place for women to work, just that maybe the numbers haven’t worked out if there are few women available.

             1. Good thing someone is here to make assumptions and excuses for the men OP is concerned about.

          2. They are literally trying to hire a woman manager.

             1. I’m glad they’re finally getting around to it in 2020. OP still isn’t obligated to be their guinea pig and is wise to weigh red flags that could indicate a toxic or exhausting workplace culture.

          3. Yes, exactly. There are certainly fewer qualified women to pull from, but in 2020 I’d expect a company to be able to find qualified women if they make an effort. The fact that they haven’t yet is a red flag.

             I agree white men aren’t a monolith and I can explore culture during the interview process, but I want to make sure the mindset isn’t 1960s, even if they haven’t fully caught up with the times.

       2. What even is % of the army = % of leadership??

          That is the biggest stretch to justify a sexist position I’ve seen in a long time.

          I will not be happy until 50% of corporate leadership is female, and reflective of the diversity of our population. Corporate life is not the army.

          You’re ridiculous.

    3. This is me. It really depends on the team. Pay a lot of attention during the interviews. Are they friendly, have a sense of humor, humble? In my case, they recognized the shortcomings and made a concerted effort on D&I. This was key – they wanted a woman at the table, and in my case a woman of color.

       I have not been talked over. They listen to my opinion. But, it’s lonely. And I have to be very, very careful not to let them ‘rest’ in my presence. Meaning, I don’t let them take a position that they have done their part by adding me to the team. D&I is an ongoing journey and they are at the very beginning. I am constantly advocating for the advancement of D&I initiatives and women and POC at the company. I make it known that we must become more diverse at all levels of the company.

       I’m happy in my position because they are good people who are trying to do the right thing. And I can feel myself breaking down barriers and making a path for people coming up through the organization. That’s been a wonderful experience for me.

       1. This. I am not a manager, but have been the only woman on the team (current gig) and have worked in PE (loved it). Whether this works really depends on the team. Also, if you choose to take the job, I think you should be the one to champion issues like: maternity/paternity leave policy, adding more women and more women in leadership and more POC/WOC. If you don’t want to champion those issues, that’s fine, but it will be lonely and may feel like an uphill battle a lot of the time.

19. Yesterday i read an article about how the CDC would like to be giving frequent briefings to the public but requests have been denied by the White House. Assuming they aren’t sharing info relevant to national security, why can’t they contact the press themselves to talk to the press? Are they worried Trump will pull their funding? Similarly, why can’t Fauci talk to the press?

    1. Trump would absolutely fire a federal employee who talked to the press after being denied by the White House. I’m fairly sure he’s jealous of the positive attention that Fauci and I’ve been surprised that Trump hasn’t fired him yet.

    2. Funding for sure… as for Fauci, he’s in a tricky spot. If he says too much against trump, he gets fired and replaced with someone who will feed us total lies. So he says what he can as much as he can without crossing the line to upset things enough to get fired, as at least something from him is better than nothing from him. Governors are also stuck because going against him means he can hold funding or supplies that the people of the state need so they have to play into this situation too, even when it’s not what’s true or what’s right. It’s a total sham of everyone stuck tiptoeing around, especially because many think that CDC and Fauci silence and governors not openly disagreeing means an agreement, even though it doesn’t, which furthers the misinformation and the dangerous actions that can lead to more infections and harm.

       1. Fauci is a civil servant – he can’t really be fired. I suppose he could be transferred or otherwise sidelined, but I imagine that would cause more trouble for Trump than it would be worth.

    3. I totally get the spot that Fauci and Birx are in, but since when does the CDC need White House “permission” to issue press releases and/or hold press conferences? This is what I don’t understand either.

       1. If they don’t want their funding further dicked around with, they probably do have to “behave.”

20. My boss held a meeting this morning to share his thoughts on everything going on with racism this week, as one of the few black men on our team. He asked us to spend the weekend having at least one conversation with someone we know, whose opinions don’t line up with ours. I thought that was a great idea, and wanted to share with the hive.
    Don’t be argumentative and try to stay calm, but a lot of the time, discussions about these topics can just be in an echo chamber. Try to listen from someone on the other side, to hear why they disagree with you, and calmly discuss why you feel differently. Sending lots of love out today, my heart is heavy.

    1. https://sojo.net/articles/our-white-friends-desiring-be-allies?fbclid=IwAR3mb3-EYS4Lw7OwShkZblpt2KEPUUcZ4YP8vqTSnbuaVB-UsJrnMPGThI0

       Might be helpful to some!

    2. also this
       https://medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234

    3. Uh who would tell their honest opinion in a work setting. In my PC liberal city, the only right opinion is — omg everything is so terrible. If you were to dare mention that looters should be dealt with, you’re racist and only care about money. I’d pass on that activity

       1. he didn’t mean at work – he meant with family, friends. And that’s why he stressed to discuss calmly. You’re not going to change anyone’s mind by name calling. Try to see their opinion, then try to show them yours.

       2. I think you’re in the wrong place, this is not Stormfront or any of the other white supremacist communities you probably frequent

       3. Way to paint your entire city with such a broad brush and preemptively shut down any argument by making that claim. Do you not see that’s problematic too?

       4. I’m in Minneapolis, which I would say is in general pretty liberal, and right now we certainly have plenty of reasons to call out things that are terrible… and yet I also see many many people highlighting acts of grace and kindness. For sure it’s inaccurate to say that “the only right opinion is — omg everything is so terrible,” at least here in the twin cities.

    4. Thanks for this, and for the links above posters.

21. Has anyone purchased a mattress recently? Any suggestions for a firm to very firm one under $300?

    1. I have the firmest IKEA mattress (can’t remember what it is called) and I love it. The first week it was unpleasantly firm but then it relaxed and it’s great. I’m happy I didn’t spend more money.

       1. I saw that IKEA mattress and am leaning towards it, so glad to hear this!

    2. There’s a fairly cheap (I think it was under $300) one that gets good reviews on the Wirecutter that I got from Amazon a while back. It’s not super firm but it’s a little too firm for my liking.

22. I’m having a bizarre situation with my landlord. Sharing for commiseration and your daily WTF (please feel free to laugh and shake your head). My family and I rented what we were told is a single family house from him. He stated he wanted a back room to store belongings, which wasn’t ideal, but we agreed. We moved in for a year lease in Jan. About a month and a half ago, he texted me on a random Sunday stating that he had returned to town as of that day and intends to live in that room and wants access to an adjacent bathroom that includes W/D. It is accessible via a screened in porch with a side door. He randomly had a full size refrigerator delivered onto the screened in porch and plugged it in, which I’m paying for. I asked him what in the world is going on. He informed us that he had always planned to have access to the storage room, and it is no different for him to access it versus live in it. He stated he plans to eat raw fruits and vegetables. He seems to have clear mental health issues thinking that any part of this is acceptable. We have a year lease. I purchased and installed interior chain locks for peace of mind so that he cannot come in (he has a key, of course). We have a small child and no desire to have a strange man living as a roommate and taking over a bathroom. Housing Court is currently shut down due to the pandemic. I do not practice Housing Law. I contacted an attorney who practices Landlord-Tenant matters, and she stated she had never heard of such a thing and that this individual clearly has no concept of what it means to be a landlord. I’m going to call Mon. to see about getting a telephonic hearing for an emergency 10-day TRO, but ultimately I don’t know what to do. I hate the prospect of having to move during a pandemic, and we spent money on movers to find this place, but this person seems unstable.

    1. OMG, what?? I am so sorry you’re having to deal with that, your landlord is insane.

    2. I would get out now and deal with the courts later. This is going to very a strange case for housing court and likely won’t get resolved quickly.

       1. +1 million. This is the kind of situation that could drag on forever and get a longform article written about it for the New Yorker. OP, this is crazy, it sucks and I am totally empathetic. But call movers today and get out this weekend. Worry about the rest of it later.

       2. +1 This situation sounds very unstable. Take the financial hit for the sake of your child and get out.

    3. Your lease probably says he has to have your permission to enter the property. Tell him, in writing, that he does not have your permission to be in that space. Has he already moved in?

       1. Obviously, telling him may not stop him but it sets you up to get damages if he violates the lease. If you otherwise like the space, it might be worth a fight to get a lawyer or court to explain to him that he can’t do this.

    4. I would unplug the refrigerator and have it removed and call your non emergency police department number. And also move.

    5. If you’ve explicitly told him to leave, call the police? Where I am they would remove your landlord for trespassing.

    6. WTF is right! This is super-weird, and the landlord seems to be actually mentally ill and not just naive. I’m so sorry you have your family have to deal with this.

    7. Have you told him, I do not want you to live here. We are not comfortable with you living here ?

    8. Legally, unless your lease explicitly states that he can live there, he can usually only enter upon 24 hours notice or an emergency, and only then to do needed repairs on the property.

       Get a lawyer to send him a certified letter.

       1. Right, there is probably a tenant’s rights ordinance in your state or municipality that outlines notice periods required for when a LL may enter the property. He would clearly be in violation of that. I don’t practice in this space so I don’t want to armchair quarterback but just throwing it out there, I think him moving into would violate the warranty of quiet enjoyment for which you may be entitled to some refund. But obviously your lawyer knows better than I do.

    9. I am gald you’re already in contact with an attorney. I am CRE attorney, not personal landlord tenant, but there is a covenant of quite enjoyment that either should be written into your lease, or a court will “read it” into the lease. The landlord’s coming onto the property like this is a violation of your peaceful and undisturbed possession of the property.

       1. DC lawyer. I think you are taking the right action. Look through your lease for language about landlord’s right to access. The TRO seems to be the best approach. The housing court likely would be less help as the focus is on repairs rather than restraining an action.
          Also have you told your landlord That is not what was agreed upon? Does your lease say you have the entire property?

23. Another boring question… does anyone have a favorite toilet? Is a Toto toilet worth 3-6x the price of a normal one? People are raving about them online but it’s a toilet, how much better could it possibly be?

    1. I don’t but I have a family member who has a Toto and loves it so much that when she divorced her spouse and they sold their house/she bought a new house, she took the Toto with her. I want one.

       1. Ha! I would totally take my toto in a divorce. Good for her.

       2. This is amazing.

    2. Love ours. Have one in the master only. It’s the only one that doesn’t get clogged by husband.

    3. The toto is amazing. Think of cost per use! It’s totally worth the 3-6x. There are different levels of totos and the best one I ever sat in was in a restaurant and it was awesome. At a resort my room had a lower level toto and it was still awesome. If when my regular boring toilet breaks I will get a toto. Warming, drying, front wash, back wash, specific to M and F anatomy. I can’t explain it but if you’ve ever used a good bidet anywhere in the world this is like that but on steroids. I’m petite so I HATE my toilets which are too tall and my feet swing and have the long oval toilet seat. I want the toto!

    4. Yes. They really are well-made. Easy to clean and never clog. What you spend on the toilet you save in any maintenance down the road. We have slowly replaced every toilet in our house with Totos, after doing the same in the last house. Love them.

       1. +100 to loving my Toto. Installed two in a 2007 remodel. Someday want one of their washlets.

24. Large chested ladies, have you found a sports bra style swim top that you like? I would like one for paddling but everything I find seems made in regular bra style. I like those for lounging on the beach but not for water sports. I’m a 34G. It doesn’t have to be super supportive because I won’t be running in it. I’ve just been wearing yoga shorts and a regular sports bra for now but I’d rather have a proper swimsuit one.

    1. I like the Freya swim tops. A lot of them are on sale at herroom.com right now. I have this one and it’s a tankini, not a sports bra, but it would be great for water sports: https://www.herroom.com/freya-as3184-blaze-tankini-swim-top.shtml

       1. Yes, try this site for bra-sized swimwear. I got a zip front CocoReef bikini top a few years back that is perfect for paddling.

    2. I have had one from Zoggs that was very supportive. It was also very difficult to get into, no clasps so overhead gymnastics.
       I bought mine from Bravissimo, some years ago now. They only carry swimsuits from Zoggs now, but maybe have a look at the Sydney bikini top? It might be easier to find a tankini, if that could work for you.

25. Does anyone here have the Oura ring? Was considering getting an activity tracker (fitbit or other) since I’ve gotten 1000% more sedentary working from home, then saw a WaPo article this morning about how some fitness trackers can be used to alert you to early signs of covid. Studies are still being done on the efficacy, but regardless, it seems like even more of a reason to get one. The article mentioned both the Oura, Fitbit, and Apple watch. Any experience here?

    1. I had an Oura. I found it meh – the app is ok – they still have some bugs to work out. Customer service is lacking. The ring itself stopped charging, so I contacted support and they basically said “TS for you”, which I think has happened to a lot of users? This was several months ago so maybe these issues have improved. I now have a Fitbit (aria, I think) that I wear daily, but it’s basically an $80 step tracker. DH has one too and he sleeps in it to track his HRV. I don’t think you can do that with your apple watch because it has to charge every night. I will say the Oura is easier to sleep in than a fitbit – this is silly but my main complaint with my fitbit is that i find it uncomfortable to sleep with a watch. My fitbit charge lasts 5 days or more.

       1. If you want a ring, you might want to try Motiv. I was on the beta for it and used it for over a year until I wanted a fitness tracker with internal GPS to track my distance and speed for open water swimming. The Motiv was great. Charged fast, charge lasted for a couple of days, accurate and useful information, comfortable and attractive.

       2. Doesn’t Oura track heart rate too? I also have a FitBit and would love to move to a non-watch fitness tracker, but I want the step count / heart rate / sleep tracking features.

          1. Motiv rings also do heartrate.

    2. I didn’t find the Oura ring all that great. I have tried most fitness trackers on the market over the years. For looks, I liked the Withings HR Steel, but it just lacked some of the functionality I wanted and it quit charging within 6 months. I am currently using on a Coros Apex and I love it. Not sure if it would alert me to the early signs for COVID but it tracks everything the Oura does (and more) with the exception of temperature — and the Oura temperature readings were not even close to accurate on me. I would advise that if you want a fitness tracker, you should get the one that offers the functionality you want.

26. The amount of racist comments on posts every day is extremely disheartening, and I find myself not visiting this site as often because I know there will be vile comments. Kat, can you please do something about this?

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