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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Does anyone else use the week between Christmas and New Year’s to clean out their closets? Even before Marie Kondo taught us about “sparking joy,” I’ve always used that week as an opportunity to weed out old items, make room for new items, and assess how best to spend those holiday gift cards. One persistent gap in my wardrobe is short-sleeved blouses and sweaters for wearing under blazers. I’ve had good luck with Lands’ End in the past for basics like t-shirts and the famous ponte dress, so I’m seriously considering adding some of these short-sleeve crewneck sweaters to my wardrobe. They come in nine different colors and a range of sizes, and they're machine washable. Lands’ End is running a 30% off promotion, so stock up now if you’re interested. The sweater is $16.79–$49.95, depending on color and size. It comes in regular sizes XS–XL, petite XS–L, tall S–XL, and plus 1X–3X. Supima Cotton Short-Sleeve Crewneck Sweater This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Does anyone have an eyelash curler they love? Or a pricey one (compared to drugstore at least) that they would repurchase? The spring on my who-knows-where-I-got-it eyelash curler is going and since it’s time to replace, I figured I’d see if anyone here has one that they’d recommend. Thanks!
BabyAssociate
Shu Uemura. I’ve had mine for years.
ElisaR
+1
Anon
The Shu Uemura curler is the gold standard.
BeenThatGuy
I have one from Tart Cosmetics that I love. You can find it at Sephora or Ulta (or shops of the like).
Anony
I like my Tweezerman one
Velma
+1 I had an ancient one, which was excellent for 10+ years. Recently upgraded to this one: https://www.ulta.com/rose-gold-classic-lash-curler?productId=xlsImpprod15571043
Expect it to last the next decade.
Anony
I purchased the rose gold Tweezerman tweezers and the rose gold rubbed off within like 6 months. I was so disappointed because all my other Tweezerman products have lasted forever.
What would you do?
I think I have an opposite problem of most posters here and hope can still receive some help/advice. I have too much free time this holiday season and don’t know what to do and starting to get depressed about it!
I come from a culture/country where we don’t celebrate Christmas and now live in the US. My office is closed for this holiday season until new years and I have no travel plans. I do not enjoy the cold and the snow despite having tried last two winters and I am in a cold NE state. I have been reading a lot over the weekends last two months or so, so am not able to see this as a great quiet time with my SO (who will be working). No kids. No family nearby. What would you do?
Anne
Can you take on some projects in your home (re decorate a room, clean out a closet etc.)? And can you set yourself up well for the new year (meal plan, make freezer meals, buy stuff to bring for lunch etc.)? And then maybe volunteer? It might be nice to connect with other people who are trying to give back during the time off.
Anon
I’m doing the tourist stuff in my city – museums, historic houses, etc.
I’m also enjoying not setting an alarm clock, baking all the things, naps with my dog and not wearing a bra. Not necessarily in that order.
Anon
Having free time to do nothing is my favourite thing in the world. I would sleep, eat, binge watch TV, and sleep some more. Find a volunteer opportunity – lots of charities need help around Christmastime!
Anonymous
If you won’t be traveling, the boring answer is that I’d do a lot of small home repair projects. The more exciting answer is that I’d do all those things that I always hear about/want to do in my city, but never get around to – be a tourist in my own city. The museums that I haven’t been to yet or really want to go see a new exhibit at, the restaurant/breakfast place/bakery that I’ve heard about but it’s a 30 minute drive so I haven’t been there yet (and I’d have to go by 39840938 bakeries before I get to this one, but the one that is 30 minutes away has the best X ever type thing). I’d go see a movie in a theater. If none of this sounds good, I’d try to learn something. My city has a lot of Skill Pop classes, so I would maybe do one of those. I would also do one of the America’s Test Kitchen online cooking school classes, or maybe one of those Khan academy classes, or similar online free education classes (I think maybe Harvard or Yale has one? I don’t know where I’m recalling that from and possibly I made that up).
Anon
Go try something new. Go to a museum, go to a store you’ve been wanting to check out, go to a play, try a class, really do anything. It sounds to me like you don’t know what you like to do with your leisure time. That’s a larger issue than having a block of free time that your significant other can’t share.
Another anon
+1
anon
This isolation is very common, even among those who do celebrate Christmas. Its cold and dark and our activity is limited, which IMO is why midwinter celebrations exist, because people need help getting through that
I hate to recommend housework, even though it’s what I would do. But I would recommend cheery decorations- white twinkle lights or some of the novelty shapes could stay up till the natural light comes back. And it is a good time to cook and bake, becuase that warms the house up. Yes people do those things for Christmas, but that’s becuase they really do help. If you have candles, remember to actually light them.
My other rec would be journaling, if you have any inclination. Reflective quiet time is hard to find, so I take advantage of it when I can.
AnonATL
DH and I will be doing some updates around the house we’ve been putting off. Finally painting a room we’ve been talking about for months. Deep cleaning home offices, lint traps, random other little projects. I will also be spending a half a day baking some bread and other time-consuming baking that has a way of eating up a lot of time with all the steps.
There will be maybe 1 day of sitting around watching christmas movies or TV, but doing that for more than a day makes me feel really glum.
I also second the idea of doing touristy things in your city. We will probably go to a nearby park one day if the weather cooperates, maybe visit the old neighborhood we used to live in that’s on the opposite side of town now.
Anonymous
Do you have any local friends who are from your same culture/country? Or do you have friends or acquaintances who also don’t celebrate Christmas? I’d suggest you try to host a get-together or arrange a meet up at a restaurant or bar with a fireplace. Also, for future years, you might think about making a tradition of hosting a New Year’s day open house — you could use some of your time off to prep for the party.
Does your SO work near fun things to do? Maybe you could do an activity on your own near the office and meet up for lunch to get some social time.
Also, if you hate the cold, I highly recommend springing for a spa treatment at a day spa that has a nice pool/steam room and lounge area where you can luxuriate in being WARM. If you’re near Boston, the Boston Harbor Hotel spa has great facilities.
Belle Boyd
I would take the time to see some of the holiday displays and exhibits in my closest city. Even though they’re for the holiday, they aren’t specifically “Christmas,” so they appeal to a wider audience and for those who may not celebrate. Perhaps your city has events like this going on? They’d be a good way to get out of the house and enjoy the beauty of the season. Where I’m at, some of the local museums do special exhibits and we have a floral conservatory that does a spectacular light and flower display that I’ve been dying to go to, but never have time.
Baking and cooking are also good ideas as you can get ingredients now that just aren’t readily available any other time of year. Take advantage of it!
I totally understand you on the cold weather. Maybe treat yourself to some cozy new pj’s or comfy clothes to lounge around the house – and don’t forget the fuzzy socks. Those things are a blessing in the winter! Add a couple of delicious-smelling candles, and maybe visit a local winery for a new seasonal wine and you now have a good reason to curl up on the couch and binge-watch a new favorite show. Consider this guilty pleasure “me time” and enjoy it!
anon a mouse
Since you don’t enjoy the cold, what about trying to focus on things that will keep you warm? Do you have access to a sauna, or could you get a day pass to a fancy hotel to use one? Hot stone massage. HIIT exercise class. Fuzzy blanket and slippers for at home. Make warm, filling soups and stews. Maybe learn to knit.
TrixieRuby
Hugs to you–I hope you can put together a staycation that will work for you. I would make myself a schedule so as to have some fun and interesting things to do. First, I would put up some twinkle lights, as this time of year we all need all the light and sparkle that we can get. Think about volunteering, here is a link to the Boston area: https://www.bostonmagazine.com/arts-entertainment/2018/11/14/places-volunteer-around-boston/
Consider arranging or hostessing a get together with friends–I love to go to hotel bars this time of year as they are all decked out and very festive.
Read about religions, and learn why so many of them have holidays this time of year–it is pretty fascinating, from Paganism to Christianity and Judaism. Go to museums, a spa, take a hike–and don’t hesitate to contact friends, as many of us are eager to get out of the house. Redecorate a room, do a deep clean, etc.
I think a plan is key, filled with things you are happy to do. You might be sad, but fun things will help. If you are depressed, well, that is a different matter, and it is time to find some help. Good luck to you!
Free time
First, you’re definitely not alone! If I had use-or-lose time, I’d be in the same boat as you. As it is, I can take the easy way out by showing up at work. :)
– Write letters to family, letting them know how much they mean to you. (I’d write my nieces and nephews, who don’t realize how proud I am of them because I’ve never said. Or my aunts, who have been been really good models for me and who don’t realize it, again because I’ve never taken the time to say it.)
– Look at Atlas Obscura and find the indoor venues near you.
– Volunteer Match dot Org may have some one-day projects you could do. Or people might post on Next Door dot com.
– Redo your resume and Linked In profile
– Go to the library and hang out until the spirit moves you to find a book.
Anonymous
Can you pull together an event with friends who aren’t celebrants? One year we had great fun booking a massive table at a local Chinese restaurant and inviting a bunch of folks to join us. I think we called it a Winter Solstice dinner. The attendees included folks from a number of faiths and some Christians with no place to go for the holidays.
Winter Blue
I make a list of projects I want to get done, mostly stuff around the house, including deep cleaning that normally does not get done. This way, when I am bored, I can check the list and see what I can do. While projects and cleaning around the house isn’t super fun or thrilling, I do enjoy the somewhat mindless nature of it as a nice contrast to my everyday job of thinking hard.
I also try to workout a lot, whether that is just walking outside (weather permitting) or going to the gym. That always lifts my mood, even in the winter, even though I don’t love it. I reach out to friends who I think might have some time and try to schedule a lunch, dinner or happy hour. I also do some shopping, and this is a particularly good time for me to do it since I am not rushed so have the time to try on some items I might not normally choose.
Anon
If you’re in NYC, we can meet for drinks! Otherwise if in NYC, what about last minute broadway shows, movies, workout classes, etc. I’m sure traveling is too expensive but there could be some last minute deals. I also get depressed if I have no plans for a few days.
Ellen
This is a great idea! I am also doing very little outside of work, and expect to get all my hours for December billed by the 27th, leaving 4 days w/nothing to do and I have no boyfreind to do stuff with on New Year’s Eve, so we should all get together and think of all the positive’s we have done in 2019 and hope to do in 2020, even if we are NOT married or have a SO to keep us warm when it is cold outside. We could even get a bunch of cheezes and a few bottles of Chardonay, and have a great get together the way I used to do at GW.
Anon
Organize your day like you were a toddler – do an touristy or cultural activity every morning, have lunch, take a nap, do an active activity in the afternoon, make dinner, go to bed!
BeenThatGuy
I laughed out loud thinking of my son’s schedule when he was a toddler. This is great advice!
Dreamy
This sounds like my dream, though I recognize that the grass is always greener (but also I’m billing a ton right now and wish I could have time off). I would enjoy the slower pace–be a tourist in my own city, go look at all the lights, stay in some days and be super cozy (peak hygge) and watch all the classic Christmas movies. I’d make dinner and go to the gym in the middle of the day, bake bread, take a mid-morning nap, attend a wreath-making/floral arrangement class, gets tickets to all the fun performances (Nutcracker, It’s a Wonderful Life on the big screen, etc.).
Anon
Organize your photos! Photo books are popular but just having albums of the best photos from each year and/or for each trip is awesome too.
Anonymous
How many questions is too many to ask at an interview, as the interviewee?
When given the option when to come in for an interview, what is the best strategic choice, i.e. earlier/later in the day, earlier/later in the day?
anonymous
I found the free interview guide on Ask A Manager to be helpful.
Go for it
+1
interview questions
I don’t think you can ask too many questions, assuming the interviewer is managing the time. I usually try to allow for 10 minutes at the end of the interview for someone to ask me questions, and I try to confirm that we use a similar approach, structure, process, etc. if one of their answers includes something like that. This also depends on the seniority of the role. I’m usually interviewing individual contributor candidates who are earlier in their careers. I think it’s a much longer conversation if you’re coming into a senior position, managing a large team, being brought in to turn things around or do change management in a department.
Cat
personally, I’m sharpest in the mornings, so would choose that slot given the opportunity. YMMV. I’d also go for earlier in the week, like a Tuesday, to allow several immediate business days for my candidacy to be discussed and advanced. Friday interview = the paperwork will wait for the following week.
Better to have too many questions ready than too few, but asking your interviewer the types of things you could have found out on your own (general stuff about the industry, etc) and not being prepared having reviewed the latest news about the company, would not be good.
Anon
I think there’s way too many variables in how employers schedule interview times for their to be one universal strategic choice. Pick based off when you feel best. I’m a morning person, I feel best in the mornings.
Both of these questions seem like they’re getting at finding one formula that will unlock interviews and that’s just not going to ever be applicable to every interview. It is people after all who conduct them and people are different.
Anonymous
We often interview two candidates in the same day, and we get very tired by the end of the second round of job talks and panels. I’d go for morning if offered.
emeralds
I need a festive dessert to take to my in-laws for Christmas. Usually I would do an apple crisp, but I want to try something new. Any favorites? Not cookies, preferably not requiring any specialty baking gadgets beyond a stand mixer and a springform pan.
Anonymous
Persimmon pudding?
Anon
Yes, this one!
https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/19553/mrs-reagans-persimmon-pudding/
It’s a classic for a reason. (PS this is a British pudding, a steamed cake)
Velma
Cheesecake with some sort of red fruit sauce (raspberry, cherry-rum …).
Anon
Cranberry upside down cake! Delicious, beautiful and seasonal!
Anon
Trifle! Very easy and looks impressive.
Anonymous
Just leave out the meat.
Anon
Star Bread! (Google ‘King Arthur Star Bread’ for recipe). You can make it sweet or savory. It’s so much easier than it looks and always gets rave reviews when I make it.
AnonInfinity
YESSSSS!!!!!!!!
I also recently made the walnut and apple skillet cake on Bon Appetit and it was delicious.
Anonymous
Nigella chocolate orange cake! It’s super easy and everyone always loves it.
anon
Anything chocolate + orange is my favorite holiday treat!
anon a mouse
Will you have access to a freezer there? Chocolate peppermint Swiss roll. Basically chocolate sheet cake rolled around peppermint ice cream. Super easy but looks very impressive.
Anonymous
This year I am making an eggnog cheesecake with a gingersnap crust I saw on pinterest. The recipe looks quite easy and requires only a stand mixer and a springform pan!
emeralds
Thanks everyone!! I’ll check these out. I have Monday and Tuesday off so I’ve got some time to invest in baking :)
aeks
I have been making a cheesecake with gingersnap crust to replace the normal graham cracker and topping with chopped pistachios and pomegranate seeds for festive colors.
Anon
https://barefootcontessa.com/recipes/easy-cranberry-apple-cake
I make this in a springform pan and turn it into an upside down cake. It’s really pretty.
Anon
Perhaps a gingerbread spice cake?
(example: https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/moist-gingerbread-spice-snack-cake/)
Dlc
Sticky toffee pudding!
Anonymous
Yum. Favorite recipe?
DLC
Cook’s Illustrated. Though I make it in a 9×13 pan rather than individual ramekins.
editor
I’m seeking recommendations for rental companies or cabins or lodges–whatever they have there and whatever is best–for a week at the Indiana Dunes, family of 5 (if it matters.) Any other recommendations also very welcome–dining or whatever. Thanks!
anonchicago
Late to the thread. I go to the Dunes 2-3x a year on day trips; I like the area and it’s a nice escape from the city.
That said, I have no idea where to stay. NWI is a run down area with lots of steel mills (some visible from the trails), and it only became a park this year so there isn’t much infrastructure yet. The hotels I’ve seen look old and like settings for a murder movie.
Five days is a LONG time to spend there too. If you’re anchored to that timeframe and part of the country, I’d do 2 days at the Dunes and the rest at a beach in Michigan. St Joseph area isn’t far and is supposedly nice though I prefer northern Michigan.
Anonymous
Does anyone have the Victoria Beard Dickey jacket? If so what are your thoughts about it? What dickeys do you have.
Anonymous
Which one? She makes dozens of styles.
Anonymous
Does anyone have experience photographing items for internet display? I am trying to open an Etsy store and find the photography challenging. Have you come across any sites that explain the concepts clearly – or even better, any all-in-one lighting/filter/backdrop sets to buy? Thanks in advance.
The original Scarlett
Look for product photography classes, but some quick tips – shoot in bright natural light or in a light box (you can buy or make easily), shoot on a tripod from the same spot and use wax to mark where you put the product on your setup so you have the same perspective in each shot. It’s easier to do all your line up at the same time for consistency in lighting and placement. Shiny things don’t photo well so use mattifying spray to “deshine”, f6 or f7 gives you detail but still soft, consider doing detail shots and a few lifestyle where your items are in use to draw people in.
The original Scarlett
You can also look for flat-lay classes by wedding photographers – doing wedding details is close to product in a lot of ways.
The original Scarlett
PPS – here’s a basic setup for what you’ll need
https://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/product/1393517-REG/studio_essentials_flu102_table_top_product_photography.html
Anonymous
Oh fantastic! Thanks!
Anonymous
I spent several weeks trying to make a light box, then gave up. : )
Do you have any specific brands or models you recommend? Otherwise I’d be relying on the reviews of Amazon shoppers.
The original Scarlett
I think our posts crossed, but B&H and Adorama are great for photo supplies. That one is the basic idea and reasonable enough to try. What are you selling?
Anon
You can find a lot of lightroom filter sets on etsy that will help a ton.
The original Scarlett
Yes! Definitely edit – these are good presets
https://www.mastinlabs.com/products/mastin-labs-fuji-pro-pack/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI46DQksbE5gIV9iCtBh3e9QrCEAAYASAAEgKTzPD_BwE
Anon
I’ve looked into this and literally googling “photography for online store” “photography tips for etsy store” and the like pull up articles give advice for just the very topic. When I was researching, the general tips were, white or light grey backdrops, simple set ups (ex. on a stand, mannequin or simple flat on on the white backdrop), natural lighting (there are lights on Amazon for 45 bucks for just this sort) and any decent amateur camera would work. You can buy all the things you mention on Amazon for very low prices.
Anon
My mom has an etsy shop and she uses her iPhone 11 – the camera takes amazing pictures.
Coach Laura
Most professionals on Poshmark use their iPhone camera and good lighting from amazon. Jenna from EmptyHanger is one who posts youtube videos with hints.
I think Pinch of Yum has online help for bloggers and others taking photos.
OP
Oh that’s terrific, thanks!
Anonymous
I have a feeling I’m super late to the party on this one – I recently discovered nail polish strips. Color Street had a booth at a local holiday bazaar, but it looks like they might be an MLM so I think I’d like to avoid them. Anyone have a favorite brand?
Belle Boyd
I just discovered them, too, and the same way. My mind was blown! Friends have done online parties with Color Street before and I had no idea how they worked, so I stayed away, but a rep at a craft show showed me how the strips worked and I have to say, I may be a convert. No drying time? No chips? And my nails looked THAT good? Wow. I haven’t seen strips in stores, so I’m afraid the only way to get them is through an MLM. I may have to give in.
Anon
Funnily enough the company only turned “MLM” style in the last year or so, they used to be just an online only format. But, you can buy them straight off the colorstreet website. Also, they do sell in stores! Colorstreet is the MLM branch (again weird business turn the took there) of the Incoco company. They sell as “Coconut Nail Art” at Walmart and “Incoco” at Ulta and Walmart. You can also buy straight from the Colorstreet website. I love them they are super easy to wear and put on.
Secret Santa
I could use some help! For our holiday gift exchange (in January), I drew someone who loves gardening. I know she has her own vegetables and herbs, and she also seems to love succulents. I was thinking of getting her something gardening-related, but I am not a gardener myself and am completely clueless. We’re capped at $25. Any ideas?? Thank you!
Just a reader
How about gardening gloves? I seem to go through a pair every few months. Or a padded kneeler to use when weeding. A nice set with heavy-duty scented liquid soap with a matching rich hand cream for post-gardening.
Anonymous
Agree on good gloves. I seem to go through these rapidly.
Anon
Yup, gloves are a fantastic choice. Add lotion and you’re done. (I personally don’t use kneelers, so that would be wasted plastic for me.)
Anon
There’s no way you’re going to get all three of those things for less than $25.
Anon
I would get her a succulent in a nice pot.
Walnut
I have purchased some of these garden signs for my avid gardener mother and they went over well:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01C7NWW0I
Anon
Something for her knees! This one is a kneeler and a stool to sit on…found one under $25. If not that, even just a sturdy, foam pad. I wouldn’t do knee pads, of course, but a few hours of work really takes a toll on joints.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077XDQZ7X/ref=sspa_dk_detail_7?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B077XDQZ7X&pd_rd_w=oztJT&pf_rd_p=45a72588-80f7-4414-9851-786f6c16d42b&pd_rd_wg=PVmbE&pf_rd_r=QBZV961TESGX3M9772MP&pd_rd_r=8d376923-ada0-4cc3-b7dc-a2b21fe1b6f2&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExNkVaUFNYWDc3NEtUJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMDQ0NDAxMVREMEFQS0NRVVZOVyZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMzY1MTAwMkY1VUpUSU5QUERGNSZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2RldGFpbCZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=
Anon
Rosemary tree from Trader Joe’s
anon
My MIL asked for self-watering terracotta. There are some cute little frogs that seem to be on all the gift guides this year.
M
This post is hilarious if you read gardening as its euphemism on this site.
Anonymous
OP here – I was thinking the same thing when I posted, and was trying not to giggle. Thanks to everyone for all the awesome suggestions!
anonymous
*snicker* Kneeling pads
anon
my dad got me something called gardener’s soap, and it’s more oil based than regular soap (shea butter or olive oil for example) plus it contains something gritty for scrubbing. It’s very effective removing waxy or resin-y stuff as well as regular dirt, and you can skip the lotion because it’s so rich. I really like it.
nuqotw
An orchid.
Anon
+1 I am also a (real) gardener and this time of year you really want something for indoors. I’d do one of those lighted indoor herb gardens if she’s the practical type, but if she’s wildly impractical, a gorgeous orchid with multiple stems of blooms.
anon a mouse
Seeking gift suggestions for DH who is trying to get more into running. His gifts so far include running tights and reflective slap-bracelets for nighttime running. He’s set on socks/shoes and has a Garmin watch. Runners, what else would you like to receive?
ElisaR
not sure what part of the country you are in, but I loved receiving a hat and gloves for winter running. Feetures running socks are a nice treat too.
Anon
Does he have AirPods or other wireless ear phones?
Does he need any sort of arm band or anything to put his phone in or does he always have big enough pockets?
Does he have any sort of hat or ear band specifically meant for running?
ElisaR
ooh AirPods are a great idea!
LeeB
As a runner I prefer using Trekz Air open ear wireless headphones. I can hear my music but I can also hear what is going on around me, like someone coming up behind me or car horns.
Sarah
A water bottle with holder that fits over your hand or, if he is the type, a vest that holds water. I live in a climate where summer runs at 6am are hot and having water with me that’s easy to carry is great. Amphipod makes some that fit over the hand. This is the kind I use and like.
Also, if he runs in the dark, then he needs lights so cars see him. I’m using the GearLight S1 LED Safety Lights from the River Site and like them a lot.
anon
after getting the watch and more clothes, DH next wanted a way to carry water. He got a belt that holds two little bottles.
Anon
That’s the beauty of running – you don’t need much! I’d get him a merino BUFF. I wear it for 3 seasons (fall, winter, spring) to run and under my bike helmet in North Florida. The thing is amazingly versatile and I never in a million years thought I’d like it as much as I do.
LadyB
RoadID
Headlamp or shoe lights for running at night
A buff
Does he have a good water bottle? Maybe a handheld with storage or camelback
Aftershokz headphones
pugsnbourbon
+1 to a headlamp. They are SO useful, not just for running.
Anonymous
Reflective vest? I have one with a pocket for a strip of lights on the back for extra visibility.
SGG
+1 DH loves his and I love that he wears it!
Gail the Goldfish
I saw someone running at night recently who had on what looked like a giant version of glowsticks made into a vest that really helped with visibility (basically they looked like they were in Tron.) I think it was something like this? https://www.noxgear.com/tracer360
Clementine
I have one of these and liked it so much, I got one for my dog.
Anonymous
If he’s into racing, or would like to start, 3 months of coaching and a race entry. The buzz of executing a race well and seeing a time you never dreamed of, is a great motivator that can keep people hooked. (Caution, may be addictive.)
EM84
Visibility vest, bum bag with water bottle holder [I have Salomon], armband for phone, nice cap/hat, in-ear headphones that don’t fall out of ears [I like JBL], gloves, running socks (you never have too many).
Runner Gift
Even better than the water bottle you can hold in your hand is the hydration vest. I ordered this one recently and LOVE it:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06VW4714C/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o07_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It is light to wear, and adjustable so it can go over winter running clothes. Another plus is the phone pocket in the front of the vest. I had a hard time finding one that had it in the front, not the back, which is not convenient.
Anonymous
For runners — how to you get a headlamp to not shake off? I just camp/hike and feel that I often just carry the headlamp b/c maybe my hair is too slippery for the lamp to stay on my head? I can’t imagine how you run in one (or a fanny pack, for that matter, or those belt things that hold water).
I want to start running with my daughters (their Girls on The Run needs a new coach, so we’re running on our own a bit, but it gets dark so early that we don’t do it much).
CountC
I have to wear a baseball cap and prop it on the brim.
LeeB
+1
Anon
I’m 99% sure if I shaved my head, I’d be some form of conehead. I’ve never successfully worn a headlamp, either. There are waistlamps that are pretty good, and if I’m running on trails in the dark, that’s what I use (or a plain old handheld flashlight), but for the most part, I rely on streetlights and pick up my feet on pavement/sidewalks. I hate carrying stuff when I run.
early morning runner
Knucklelights are great, more comfortable than a headlamp.
Anon Runner
Nox Gear light up vest- can put it over anything so you don’t need to buy all reflective gear, makes you REALLY visible. I love mine. Echo the nice socks- Feetures are great.
Anonymous
Any advice for telling a good friend/neighbor that you’re moving when she’ll be really sad about it? We live very close and I’m at their house a lot of of time and have looked after their cat, picked their toddler up from day care when parents are running late, etc. Months ago I told her I was thinking about moving and she kind of freaked out, so I didn’t talk to her through the process of finding a new place…but now it’s final and I’m moving in like a month. She just had another baby a week ago so this is the worst possible time, and when I went over to meet the new baby it just didn’t seem like the time to share my moving plans. I’m only moving 45 min away and am still happy to visit her at home on weekends and help occasionally with the kid but obviously it will be different and I don’t want to deal with her upset reaction.
Anonymous
You just have to tell her. She might be upset. You’ll survive her being upset.
Anon
Gosh, I don’t mean to be mean, but what do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like you do a ton for her, and she’s really come to rely on you. Does she reciprocate favors, do you two hang out and do fun stuff? It sounds like she’s going to be upset because she’ll be losing a source of free labor.
Anon
That’s a cynical way to read this. OP described her as a good friend. She likes her. It is possible to help out people you care for, you know. Not every relationship is transactional.
Anonymous
It is definitely true that I do a ton for her but she and her husband have also been good friends to me when I’ve had hard times. It’s definitely a period of the relationship where I’m giving more to her though because she is really overwhelmed with the kids.
Anon
I’m sorry but your friend is a grown woman with two kids and a husband. She can cope with her friend moving 45 minutes away no matter how upset she gets. This is for the best because you guys sound terribly codependent.
Anon
You just tell her. With your words. And probably sooner rather than later since it sounds like she makes plans assuming you’ll be around to do lots of favors for you.
LaurenB
This it sounds like a non-issue.
Clothing store recommendations
My mom wants me to take her shopping when I’m home for Christmas, but I have no idea what store to take her to. She’s retired and hasn’t purchased clothes in a number of years, and the stores she used to go to are now closed. Her body is an extreme apple, with a fairly big waist (maybe size 20?) and tiny very thin legs. What she really needs are pants but it’s hard to find things that fit her waist and that are way way too baggy in the legs. Any recommendations for stores to check out for simple black pants?
Anon
Talbot’s (make sure the store has plus, they segment the sections into different stores sometimes) and Lord & Taylor
Anon
I’d recommend Palazzo Pants or Wide leg pants. There are no form fitting pants that will fit a Size 20 waist and stick legs (it sounds harsh but it is a reality). She should lean into flattering styles and comfort.
Try Chicos and Talbots.
anon
do you have an eloquii near by? They have some pants that are meant for apple shapes.
Never too many shoes...
Absolutely try the Kady pants in the apple shape (Gena).
Anon
Chicos? Eileen Fisher?
Anonymous
You’ll need a store that carries plus clothing. Talbots is good. Lane Bryant if your town has one. JJill carries plus sizes and is often cut for an apple shape. (Not sure if they have plus sizes in their stores.) I’d also try whatever large department store your city has.
Frankly, this sounds like a somewhat specialty item — you’re looking for a cut with very large change in size from waist to leg. It’s possible that an ultra-skinny pant or even a very heavy ponte legging in a plus size might work. So get her to try those on, even if she would never actually want skinnies or a legging — they might fit her more like a straight leg would fit someone else. Or, you might need to buy pants that fit the waist and then have them tailored to taper the legs. If you’re really serious about helping her find clothes, you might need to order some stuff to be delivered to her.
Bottom line: Find a couple of stores to go to, but be prepared to talk her out of being discouraged about herself if she can’t find something that fits off the rack. Or get as close as possible to a fit in the store, then order something online that gets you the rest of the way. And buy a pretty sweater or two to help with some excitement about new stuff, while working/ordering to find the needed—yet “boring” and maybe discouraging—black pants.
BeenThatGuy
Loft has extended sizes now and they are in many stores (but not all).
Twin
My comment is in moderation, but just FYI I have a similar body type to your mom’s and Loft pants and skirts do not work AT ALL for me. I love their tie waist dresses though! I own pretty much every single one they come out with. Their shirts also tend to fit my body very well.
Anon
Macy’s and Kohl’s. That’s where my mom liked to shop in her post retirement years. Both will have plus sections.
Twin
Hi, I am a young adult version of your mom! Extreme apple, size 20, and have a terrible time fitting pants. I find that jegging/legging style pants that are super stretchy work best. I also find that pants without a zipper/ button closure tend to fit better, as since that is the largest part of me, there is really no need to zip pants open to fit over a larger part of me if that makes sense.
I like the Democracy jeans at Nordstrom Rack. I also wear Lee jeans and pants but find them slightly baggier in the thigh. Both of those brands also have black pants, although Democracy sometimes doesn’t. In general, I would go to a department store like Dillard’s where you have a bunch of different brands/fits to try on. Weirdly I find Dillard’s has a better plus size selection than Macy’s in my large city. Layne Bryant has a new Deluxe Fit that is supposed to be good for those with larger waists and smaller hips/thighs, but I haven’t tried them on yet. I also used to wear Old Navy denim, but I found that I had to try on every single pair because they all fit differently, and I don’t know if they sell black pants that fit.
Brands that I rarely if ever find a pant that fits me are: Loft, Torrid, Layne Bryant (but again, they have a new fit that is for our body type), Eloquii, Forever 21.
In general, pants suck, I wear a ton of dresses, and it really just takes hours of trying on to get pants that are even just a reasonable fit. I have also bought pants that fit in the waist and inseam and taken them to a tailor to have them taken in in the thigh/booty. They usually look at me like I am insane because sometimes I need 4-6 inches of fabric taken out in the thigh, and they always ask why I don’t just buy something that fits, but the reality is sometimes I just can’t! I have had much more luck in the past 2-4 years than previously though. Good luck, and I would love to know if you find something that fits her!
anon
Lee in many of its permutations have always fit me well as an apple with a flat butt. My favorite is Relaxed Fit denim (aka 100% cotton), but when I want a different style with some stretch I still usually prefer Lee over other brands for fit.
PolyD
J Jill? They seem to have a lot of flowy drapey pants that might work.
Anon
What about long flowy skirts? Easier to fit and look more flattering since they won’t cling to the biggest parts of her.
Anon
If he is going to be running in the dark, I would suggest more gear to help with visibility. I like to wear a reflective vest as well as blinky lights on my arms. A headlamp is also helpful. Runners in my area generally do a terrible job of making themselves visible.
Explorette
I really don’t understand why a runner would need to make themselves visible at night? Are they running in the middle of the street? As long as the runner can see cars and avoids the cars, why do cars even need to know there is a runner on the sidewalk?
Anon
Crosswalks that don’t have a stop light, or have a stop light but someone is turning right against the light. If it’s late or super early a driver might not see a runner crossing.
Anon Runner
I run on sidewalks and it’s REALLY important. Every time you cross a street you want to make sure you’re visible, even if you are checking before you cross. People backing out of driveways are another one.
AnonInfinity
Even if you’re on a sidewalk, you’ll almost certainly have to cross a street at some point. You could fall toward the street. The sidewalk could be obstructed, making it necessary to briefly step into the street. It’s startling to be driving a car and suddenly notice a pedestrian you didn’t see before, and startling drivers makes for an unsafe environment. Making sure a pedestrian is visible to cars is NEVER a bad idea, and I view this as part of increasing general situational awareness for the runner and the car, which is essential when running in the dark.
Anon
Yikes, I hope you don’t do much driving at night.
Anon
Or a runner accidentally stumbles on a section of road with no sidewalk or unexpectedly closed sidewalk. In an ideal world hopefully doesn’t happen in the dark, hopefully you know where you are going, but it’s not an ideal world.
Anon
Are you serious?
Explorette
Very. I run in the dark a lot, and I have never understood this. Cars have very bright headlights. It is very easy for me to see them coming and avoid them. If a car is coming, I stop and don’t run in front of them. Pretty simple.
Anonymous
Yeah, stopping and standing in the middle of a four lane street because you started to cross when no cars were coming and now one is coming doesn’t seem smart.
Your particular run route may involve relatively few streets and crossings or be a a highly lit urban area but these products exist because runners and cyclists get hit all the time.
anon
ok, so you have a perfect system figured out. Forgive the rest of us imperfect beings that could hypothetically not see a car or be distracted ourselves. We need to build in contingencies. If your city has no cars that forget to turn on the lights, never unexpectedly back out of driveways and never suddenly turn into your path even though they didn’t indicate, that could be a good selling point to attract new residents.
Anonymous
As a driver, if you’re not in bright clothes when you’re running, it actually is hard for me to see you. People in my neighborhood have an annoying tendency to walk their dogs in the street instead of on the sidewalk at night, and they are hard to see and it terrifies me as a driver.
T
The onus is not on the pedestrian to avoid vehicles. Because legally when I am driving my car I have an obligation to avoid pedestrians, I strongly prefer that they are more visible so I do not drive unsafely to avoid them. I live on a suburban street without sidewalks, and while I already drive at a crawl I’d prefer to be able to see people outside more easily in order to be even safer.
T
Because you cross streets while running, there aren’t always sidewalks, cars tend to make erratic turns and pedestrians are at huge risk? Out of curiosity, where do you live? Do you ever go outside in the dark?
Anonymous
Not to pile on, but I come close to getting hit almost every day. People backing out of their driveways do. not. look. behind them. Here’s what usually happens: I see a garage door opening and I stop and wave at the driver. They pull out of the garage into the driveway and stop before the sidewalk. I think they must’ve stopped because they saw me. But no really they were looking for their glasses, or playing on their phone, or otherwise being oblivious to the world around them. I continue on and they back up just as I’m crossing their driveway right behind their car.
Anonymous
In my ‘hood, runners seem to always run IN the road vs on sidewalks. As a driver, I really can’t see them unless they are UNDER a streetlight AND in light colors (never the case — our runners are chic and in all black). That would be fine if they ran against traffic, but that seems to rarely happen, so you are 100% at risk of hitting someone. I have good insurance, but that terrifies me as a driver (and our schools start when it is dark out, so I worry about this for kids, too, and dog-walkers).
The scooter people are far worse as a hazard (and I bet alcohol is a factor), but I am shocked at how easy they would be to hit (e.g., you are turning right, they come up on your right, and you can’t hear them and they have no lights, so you hit a person going 20-30 MPH with no seatbelt or helmet).
sfchic
+1
Same in my neighborhood urban suburb area. It is really terrifying.
I am a very careful driver, but I realized that I am programmed to look for walking speed pedestrians. When a jogger suddenly runs out when you swear you just looked that way and no one was there…. and at night… when they don’t stop…
And the joggers in my area are often dressed in dark clothes and are almost always wearing headphones/earphones. They run in the street a lot, or run across the street without stopping. They run on the wrong side of the street in the wrong direction.
I really think they don’t realize how difficult it is for us to see them.
Steaming devices
My Amazon fire stick broke and I need to get a new device to stream Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, and Amazon. Before just buying another fire stick, which I’ve never been a huge fan of, I figured i’d ask if people have a streaming devices that they really like. Thanks for any recommendations!
Anon
Roku works.
Anonymous
I’ve been using Roku for years.
Anonymous
Roku for sure. We used to have a fire stick that glitched all the time. We replaced with a Roku and it works great.
Anon
I also like my Roku. I basically don’t notice I have it.
Anonymous
I love my Roku.
Cat
+3 for Roku
Anonymous
Roku is great. The other option is to get a “smart tv” with these apps built into the TV. Obviously that’s going to be a more expensive option, but if you were possibly in the market for a new tv, then I would take a moment to investigate this option as well.
Personally, I like only dealing with one remote for TV and all streaming apps.
Anon
I have a smart TV, and it was great until Netflix updated their software and my TV was no longer advanced enough to support the new software. So I had to get a Fire stick. Extremely annoying.
Anon
Same. This is why I have a roku – my smart tv stopped supporting apps I liked.
M
Roku. I think I have the plus, but whatever it is it works extremely well.
Anonymous
I strongly prefer AppleTV to Roku.
Amelia Bedelia
my nephew is 16 and LOVES debate and research. I want to get him a really good book on debate for christmas. suggestions?
Anon
You really think a 16 yr old wants a book on debating for Christmas? In any case, Getting to Yes in its various forms are pretty good.
Anon
I would have loved a gift like this when I was a teenager. OP, I think you’re being a great aunt by paying attention to your nephew’s interests. Teenagers, like any other group of people, are not a monolith.
Anonymous
Getting to Yes is about negotiation, not debate.
Anon
The Great Debators book and/or movie is pretty good, somewhat historical.
anon
+1
I was a similar 16yo not too terribly long ago and really loved this movie.
Anon
The Rhetorica ad Herennium? The TED Guide to Public Speaking? The Declamations of Seneca the Elder or of Calpurnius Flaccus? An “Essential Talmud” type pocket edition?
notinstafamous
Ooh I got you on this!
Robert’s Rules of Order
Lend Me Your Ears: Great Speeches in History by William Safire
The Political Speechwriter’s Companion by Robert Lehrman
Thanks, Obama: My Hopey, Changey White House Years by David Litt
Korvapuusti
White House Ghosts by Robert Schlesinger
anon
omg, I love William Safire! I was probably about the same age as your nephew when I discovered him and read ALL THE BOOKS!
Anonymous
OMG I loved his books on language and writing.
Anon
I was going to say why would you get a teenager Robert’s Rules of Order, but actually I think a young debate nerd (and I mean that in a very positive way) could get really into that.
Stars
Ok, so not a debate book – but I recommend “Just Mercy” by Bryan Stevenson. So many high school & college debaters end up going to law school. A phenomenal read and who knows, may pique his interest in law.
Home for the Holidays
Shout out to the commenter who recommended this series on Netflix last week. I devoured it and am now trying to chase that high with other holiday shows, but nothing else comes close. I loved everything about it and have never felt more seen than in the cross country ski scene.
Anon
Is that on Netflix? Googling isn’t turning up results that look right for me for some reason…
Minnie Beebe
Maybe it’s Home for Christmas? Just checked my Netflix, and that seems like something that might have been recommended here…
Hooray
Yay! That was me. I’m so glad – I’ve only convinced one other person to watch it so far and I need people to share the love with!
BlueWeddingShoes
If anyone wants a shopping challenge, I’m looking for fancy flats, under $300, preferably blue (to be my something blue) to wear on my wedding day with my traditional white A-line wedding dress. The challenge? I wear a size 12 shoe. Anyone have any suggestions?
Anon
You’re right, it’s slim pickings. These are fun (though I realize they’re not going to be to everyone’s taste: https://jessicasimpson.com/collections/shoes/products/kirah-flat-in-blue
Fancy
https://www.lightinthebox.com/en/p/women-s-shoes-satin-spring-comfort-ballerina-wedding-shoes-flat-heel-peep-toe-rhinestone-sparkling-glitter-blue-champagne-ivory_p6713639.html?currency=USD&litb_from=paid_adwords_shopping&sku=1_296%7C2_39569&country_code=us&utm_source=google_shopping&utm_medium=cpc&adword_mt=&adword_ct=348213892276&adword_kw=&adword_pos=&adword_pl=&adword_net=u&adword_tar=&adw_src_id=2907233386_1900204513_75962083332_pla-601772679552&gclid=CjwKCAiA__HvBRACEiwAbViuUyM9KWydegCJfxzglxdDgPwVeX5l3AAjg4809srxT0Vg320fLGsX-RoC4d0QAvD_BwE
notinstafamous
not in your budget but: https://www.manoloblahnik.com/ca/hangisiflat-13492.html
more in the budget: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/linea-paolo-demi-dorsay-flat-women/5315271/
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vaneli-ganet-pointy-toe-flat-women/5396598
anne-on
Is navy ok?
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/adelaide-jewelled-flats-navy/sty-a0584-nav?cat=C1_S2_G11
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/esme-low-heels-navy/sty-a0578-nav?cat=C1_S2_G11
Anon
I did this! (Not the size 12 part but similar.
I did Rothy’s The Point in Posideon (discontinued) for my wedding shoes.
They have a lovely peacock. Goes up to size 13.
Anonymous
Do they still make dyeable shoes like we all wore to prom when I was in high school 3 decades ago? You could get a pair dyed a pretty shade of blue.
Shopping resolutions for 40ish me
I redid my wardrobe at 40ish because my activity level slowed and my metabolism nosedived and even though I only gained about 7 pounds, my body is just shaped wildly differently due to body composition changes-sedentary job-aging. I’m short and a high-waisted pear, so a challenge even previously.
Originally, it was a mishmash, but it has grown into:
DVF (ebay shift dresses; nothing else works)
BR (Logan pants = all suiting comes from there; cashmere sweaters)
Athleta (athletic and athleisure)
I want to explore more in 2020 and begin dabbling in or at least trying on:
Boden (so far things make me look pregnant — suspect I need a longer torso; blouses have worked)
AllSaints (a nice bit of edge sometimes and seems to be a bit more for a slightly older person like me; clothing isn’t as pricey as I thought)
Everlane / Cuyana (I feel like I should; I have an Everlane sweater that I like from this fall)
But what else is there??? I am not in the St. John demographic, especially budget-wise, but everything seems so “mall stores for 22 YO newbies” or way too expensive. Is there nothing in the middle? I feel like I am at a loss. We have a Nordstrom/NM in my city, but at NM things are more expensive, but also more partywear or stuff for intagrammers and not for some mid-40s with a job (but with wardrobe flexibility).
I follow The Modist site just for inspiration (am not a modest dresser, but perpetually cold in my 68 degree office), but it can be pricey and I like to try things on if possible. Lafayette128 doesn’t fit me well (rise is off on pants; tops overwhelm me); Akris Punto is expensive and I’ve gotten jackets on eBay but that is risky for things like dresses/pants. And I like Tory Burch, but I feel that that is over-worn in my city, to the point where I recognize clothes that people are wearing and not just the shoes (but the stuff on its own would be fine).
M
Talbots? I’ve been happy with their clothes lately. Some are a bit boxy, but you can usually tell from the picture.
anon
The RealReal is perfect for this- higher price point clothes at consignment prices and you can set up searches by your sizes
Anonymous
Have you thought about doing a rent the runway subscription for a few months so you can explore new brands and figure out what you like? I’m a big fan of mine, and they usually run good deals on the subscription plans at this time of year. They have tons of casual/work clothing.l and a mix of high and low end brands.
Anon
If you previously swore off J.Crew, I’d give it another try. The Cameron work pants have been staples for me this year since I saw them recommended here (and I’m a pear and they fit!). The Factory sweater blazer has been another go-to (I’m wearing one today). And I’ve stocked up on various sweaters from both regular and Factory J.Crew. (And oh my goodness, their Dreamy pjs are really great, too.)
Of course with J.Crew, wait for a sale. Wait for real. Like I’ve gotten the Dreamy pjs for $22.50 even though they’re on the website for $78 – just a combination of promo codes and coupons. If you end up liking J.Crew, getting a CC from them is SO worth it – they send you insane coupons all the time ($50 off $50, no min – sooo, free clothes?!).
Annony
I’m not sure about fit for your body type, but you may want to explore COS (modern, streamlined … some of it is a little too “architectural” for me, but I have a few pieces I LOVE from there), Aritzia (they have a number of different lines – some definitely skew young, but it’s a fun place for more trendy items. Quality is not amazing for the price, though).
Anonymous
I share your general configuration. Boden is short waisted, so order a Tall. NYDJ for ponte knit pants, Trina Turk for just about everything, Brooks Brothers (but only some cuts), Elie Tahari, Hobbs, L.K. Bennett, Michael Kors (size up) and the dreaded St. John work for me. I don’t buy the St. John drum majorette jackets or vivid skirts, just classic pieces.
The original Scarlett
I love JCrew, Tucker NYC (silk blouses and dresses), MaxMara, and I find a lot on Shopbop. Boden does nothing for me. Surprisingly cute things now and then at Ann Taylor
Anon
has anyone seen a good movie in theaters lately? DH and I haven’t been to the movies in two years (we have almost 2 year old twins) and will have the opportunity to do so after christmas while visiting the in-laws
AnonInfinity
Knives Out!!!! I saw it last weekend, and it exceeded expectations, which were already high because we’d heard so many rave reviews.
Cookbooks
+1 Knives Out was great! Such a fun movie.
Cookbooks
+1 Knives Out was great! Such a fun movie.
Anon
+1 This was an awesome movie.
Anonymous
I just saw Jo Jo Rabbit and loved it.
anon
My coworkers (with and without kids) seem to have enjoyed the new Jumanji
Abby
Star Wars came out today! I haven’t seen it but am going Saturday
Anonymous
Knives Out for sure. I also really enjoyed Ford v. Ferrarri, even though I don’t care at all about racing. It was just a surprisingly fun time at the movies.
UHU
Pain and Glory (Dolor y Gloria) !!! so good!
Edna Mazur
Frozen 2 was good!
Seventh Sister
I’m really, really excited for Little Women. I may go see A Hidden Life this weekend, though I’m also vaguely interested in Dark Waters and Parasite. I’ll probably be dragged to the new Star Wars movie by my family.
My favorites of the year are The Souvenir and The Nightingale (the joke in my family is that I want to see the movie that has subtitles and is in black and white, my husband wants to see the movie where the things go boom).
Anon
Relevant to a lot of recent questions: New York doormen, personal trainers, etc on how people usually tip them at the holidays: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/05/business/holiday-tip-doorman-nanny-dog-walker-barber.html
Sasha
I’m in the final round for a job I’m really excited about in the Bay Area, across the country from my current city. My boyfriend has been super supportive throughout the interview process and I’ve relied on him a lot for pep talks and emotional support. We are both in our mid-20s.
We’ve been sort of avoiding the question of what will happen to our relationship if I move and we finally had the talk yesterday. I was surprised to find out that he’s pretty adamant that we will not stay together if I move. He had made an off handed comment early on about ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it”, but we hadn’t discussed it further. I knew that breaking up was an option, but didn’t realize that he’s pretty much had his mind made up all along. His defense for not bringing it up sooner was that he knows this is an amazing opportunity for me and didn’t want it to influence my decision. I appreciate that, but now I am totally blindsided and feeling very resentful and upset over what should be a really happy development.
His reasoning for not wanting to do long distance is that we’ve both done long distance with previous partners and hated it, and he would never move to the Bay Area so the pressure would be on me to return to our current city eventually, which is unfair to me. Additionally, (this is anecdotal but still a concern) it seems to be quite hard to get a job in our city from techie cities like SF/Seattle/Austin. We have friends in the Bay Area who have been trying to get jobs back here for a few years with no luck.
He has been so, so considerate in these conversations so I can’t even be mad at him, but the whole situation is devastating. We are very serious and I was completely ready to make an LDR work with him. I don’t even have the job yet so this may all end up being for nothing but now I’m absolutely dreading the interview and their decision. This job would be incredible for my career so I couldn’t turn it down, but at what cost? Any advice from others who have been in similar situations would be very comforting.
Anon
I live in the Bay Area and am in a LDR with someone in St Louis, so not quite opposite coasts but I think I can give some perspective. It’s worked really well for us, but I can see how it wouldn’t work for everyone. We don’t have a firm timeline for me to move, but an understanding that we will be apart two years total at most (haven’t decided who yet – the job market is undoubtedly better here, but neither of us is crazy about the Bay Area).
I think it would be *impossible* to do long-distance with someone who is not 100% on board with it. It’s no one’s first choice and it is a little difficult for everyone – but it will be *so* hard on you to make long-distance work almost single-handedly. It’s fine for neither person to be enthusiastic about long-distance as long as both people are enthusiastic about continuing the relationship in spite of the “cost” of long-distance, in my opinion.
I also think my relationship would be substantially more difficult if we were fully opposite coasts. That extra hour of time difference would make a huge difference in our ability to feel connected during the week, and the extra hour or two of flight (particularly flying from the west coast where the time change doesn’t work in your favor) would be brutal.
You haven’t said how long you’ve been dating. I think how serious you both are about this relationship is an important question for you to answer (and I think it’s a separate question from how willing either of you is to do long distance). Mid-20’s is relatively young – in the sense that life will throw many more curve balls your way and maybe this one isn’t ultimately so big, and in the sense that there is no ticking clock at this age on big life things if you decide to go separate ways (such as having children).
This already reads more negative than I would like, but lastly, as an early 30’s, when I look around at people I know, people tend to regret more the people they stayed with than the people they broke up with. Just thoughts.
Sasha
Thank you, this is really great advice. We are in the Midwest currently as well, so same geographic distance as you. I know he’s coming from a place of having a bad previous LDR experience which makes him unable to view this as having a positive outcome. Hearing that you and your partner are working it out alright is really heartening.
We are pretty serious, but have only been dating for about a year, so take that with a grain of salt. I think the relative newness of the relationship is playing a part in this as well.
If I may ask, how often do you and your partner see each other? Do you switch off visiting? Another one of my boyfriend’s worries is that the responsibility of organizing visits would fall on him more than me (which is very valid, as he is much more of a planner than I am)
Ellen
I think he is being realistic about it. Besides, you are young and may find other men to be attracted to, and for that matter, so will he. Take the job if you get it, give it a year and see how you both feel. If you really both want to, you can make it work, but if not, the best thing to do is find a guy locally who will give you what you need, and visa versa. Dad says this is your time to meet other men, so go for it while you are still young and attractive, as will he. The worst that can happen is you find no one, but you will have only wasted a year, and will have ampel opportunity to meet and mate with other men. YAY!!!
Anonymous
I want to correct something you said, “the job would be incredible for my career, so I couldn’t turn it down.” Yes, you could. You always have that choice. There are many scenarios in which you WOULD turn it down. Let me make up a couple: the boss would be [insert the person you most hate in the world here]. You would never consider working for that person and would turn down the job in a heartbeat. Another made-up scenario: another possibility opens up that would be incredible for your artistic life or your dream life, so you turn down the job that would be incredible for your career.
You always have options, and you always have choices. Your options are not ONLY to take this one incredible job that will cement your career but kill your relationship, vs. stay where you are and take a chance on your relationship but kill your career. You could move somewhere else and take a different job. You could move to the Bay and love your job yet get laid off in two years when the company crumbles. You could stay where you are, break up with your boyfriend, and yet watch your career take off.
New job opportunities can come along. New relationships can come along. New careers can come along. Don’t be tempted to box yourself in with catastrophic either/or thinking.
AnonMover
I’m going to offer a slightly different, and perhaps less relevant, perspective here. But it might provide food for thought. I am older than most people here (mid-40’s) and have been married nearly 22 years. DH and I have undertaken numerous LDR during our time together – he was a military officer for 20 years while I built an academic career (so I wasn’t easily mobile and he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter except to leave the USMC – which he enjoyed). We have a standing agreement – we love each other and we are both Type A/career focused people – the agreement is “make it work.” And we always have so we are the proof it can be done. As I type this, I am contemplating multiple east coast jobs and he is being courted by a Silicon Valley start-up (we’ve been blissfully together in the Midwest for 2+ years now). Our choices confuse our families and our friends, but not us. Our commitment is to each other and supporting each other. Every job opportunity is considered together and we always KNOW that we can and will make it work if that’s what it takes. So it can be done, but it does require the right personality, a lot of trust, and a significant commitment to each other and the long-term outcomes. It’s never ideal, but we are very happy and always find a way through it without negating the other’s career options.
P.S. There have been jobs turned down by both of us, too. Each opportunity is considered holistically with time-lines, commutes, financial considerations, etc. We don’t have children, I usually keep the dogs…
Anonymous
I have bought this sweater in the past and would not do so again. The cotton looked worn and faded after just a few wears, and the length was surprisingly short even in a Long.
Anon
+1 to all of this