Thursday’s Workwear Report: Sweater Blazer

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1. Does anyone use the Paprika app for meal planning, and share with a partner? Or any other app? How does it work for you? Do you use it on multiple devices and does the sync work well? I’m completely burned out on meal planning with a notebook and need some help.

   1. I just use Google Notes, one Note with the meal plan (with recipe URLs) and another for the grocery store. Then I share the Notes with my husband.

   2. I’ve used it in the past and need to pick it up again as it was super effective. A bit of a time commitment to get my recipes in there, but I’m going to take a rainy weekend, put on a podcast, and do it.

   3. I do! I began using it simply as a digital recipe file. But now I frequently use it for meal planning as well. I can plug the recipes into the calendar when planning dinners for the week, and then have it populate a grocery list with the ingredients from those recipes. It gives you an opportunity to review the grocery list before it adds everything, so I can uncheck items we already have on hand. My husband and oldest daughter also have the app and we share the login so that we can all access the meal calendar and recipes. It works very well for us. I like that I can browse my different recipe categories as I’m building a meal plan – for instance, going to the seafood category or the vegetarian category if I’m trying to include one night of those each week. For me, looking through the recipes and picking one is much easier than staring at a piece of paper trying to think of something!

   4. I LOVE Paprika! I used it on multiple devices for a little while, but then my laptop died. I mostly used the desktop version for being able to enter favorite recipes from cookbooks since I can type faster on desktop than on my phone. I remember the sync being excellent. I don’t share with a partner, but it would be very easy to do so. I love how easy it is to build a grocery list and move meals around as your schedule changes. Let me know if you have other questions, I will happily discuss it for hours, LOL.

   5. I have it and love it. I have it on my phone and my laptop and the sync works great. Some functions I particularly love:

      * I can scale recipes
      * I can make grocery lists based on what I’ll be cooking
      * If I’m in the grocery store I can pull up the recipe and see what ingredients I need
      * If I run across an interesting-looking recipe online, it’s super easy to add it to my recipes on Paprika

   6. I really like paprika and need to get back to using it because I’m currently in a lazy combo of takeout and premade TJ’s stuff. I have the cooking blahs.

2. I posted this here late in the moms forum but reposting here since I posted late and didn’t get a ton of responses- any ideas for vacation spots driving distance from Greenwich for a long weekend? We are looking to go labor day weekend (I know. Should have booked earlier) so can’t be a spot that is overly popular because I hate overcrowded spaces. Have two kids (3 and 8).

   1. I feel like ski areas in the winter have lots of VRBO cabins in the summer. I’m more familiar with the Poconos, but there are probably some in NY/VT that may be an easier drive for you (or into the country vs having to go around NYC and through NJ). My friends have had fun quiet weekends and nothing seems to be crowded except for I-80 with everyone fleeing west on Fridays.

   2. I think your best bet is to go north and find a smaller town in VT/NH/ME. The Cape/Block Island/Nantucket/Vineyard are all crazy booked up this year so I’d rule those out.
      What are you looking to do – lake? beach? activities or just rent a house?

      1. Finger Lakes NY. My friend was just telling me how beautiful if was.

   3. You’ve left this too late

   4. Kind of similar situation but a different weekend and we are going to Stowe Vermont. I’ve never been before but looks to be tons to do in the summer!

   5. Lake Placid or Lake George (stay at the Sagamore in Bolton Landing) but you might have waited too long to book something. Maybe you can take advantage of a last minute cancellation.

      1. We spent several short vacations at the Sagamore. Recommend the main house as opposed to the separate rooms, except perhaps in this pandemic.

   6. Just got back from 4 days in Burlington, VT and it meets your criteria. There were a lot of tourists but it wasn’t overcrowded by vacation spot standards. Pretty views of the lake and walking/cycling trails.

3. I’ve gained some weight (40s, working in my kitchen for a year, commuting 20 feet vs walking substantially) and my shape has shifted around a bit (more tummy). I am also more advanced career-wise than I was when I was buying Old Navy sheaths (which are great for the $).

   I’ve decided to try The Fold (on sale) for my work wardrobe gaps. Sizing-wise, I was expecting to be much larger in a UK brand. The chart says: 31″ waist, 41″ hips = US 8, UK 12; but this seems really hard to believe (maybe that assumes a flat stomach) but I was expecting to be at least a US 10 / US 12. How does The Fold actually fit, and does it work for people who have a shape that isn’t model-but-larger but is “out of shape with tummy with these baseline measurements”? I feel like my MMLF 8 Etsuko strains over my stomach now, so I’m not up for a game of endless mail ordering (and I’m guessing that you can’t otherwise try it on in the US).

   1. I just convert from my US size to my UK size. In your situation I’d go up a size

   2. I wear a size 2/4 in most mall brands, pretty solid size 4 in Brooks Brothers, and size 6 in designer brands. I find the UK sizing for the Fold to be equivalent to my ‘designer’ size, and take a size UK 10/US 6 in almost everything I’ve bought from the Fold or other UK brands like LK Bennet or Hobbs. I carry my weight in my lower body and can sometimes size down to a UK 8 a-line dresses. The clothes definitely run long and fairly straight (their fit model seems to be at least 5’8, and very straight up and down without a large bust or hips I’d say).

      1. I agree that The Fold runs long and straight up and down. I am very long-waisted and have a straight figure. In British brands I usually have to size up to get the waist of the dress to fit around the top of my ribcage, then have the dress taken in everywhere else. In The Fold I take the equivalent of my US size and need fewer alterations. If you are curvy I’d consider going up a size.

         1. Agree with this, from the opposite side. With a small ribcage and short waist I usually size down in US tops compared to UK. UK brands are more hourglass friendly and US brands more boxy on me.

            I find The Fold longer and more generous in the waist compared to other UK brands. Would say that non-stretchy tops in UK 10 in The Fold is about the same as US 6 in Brooks Brothers. I find both these sizes more generous in the waist than normal UK 10.

   3. Generally, UK dress sizes are 4 below US dress sizes, so if you are a UK 8, US 12.

4. I am struggling with several aspects of my client services/consulting job at a large organization, and wonder if I would be happier moving to more of an in-house role somewhere else. While I enjoy the the substance of my work and am known for producing high quality deliverables, I do not like: business development, pressure to develop an external presence and be a “thought leader”, the management structure (I currently report to five different project leads, none of whom are my actual manager), a competitive atmosphere among staff, and being billed as an expert on things I’m only somewhat familiar with. I also struggle sometimes with social anxiety and imposter syndrome, so the constant client meetings and internal shifts to new project teams are stressful for me. It feels like an endless parade of new people I need to impress. Overall, it’s not uncommon for me to end the day feeling like a subpar employee who made a terrible career choice.

   What should my next move be? If you’ve felt similarly, what did you do and how did it work out? If you made the move to an in-house role, did it end up being a better fit for you?

   1. Felt the same way you do but in public accounting. I spent late 2019 through 2020 watching managers and partners and reflecting on their roles and realized I didn’t want to be doing their jobs, for a lot of the reasons you’re talking about. It got to the point of feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
      What I’ve done over the last year:
      Take time to think about what you have liked about what you do, what challenges have excited you in the past and what would you like to do more of. And then think about what you need from a job to be able to keep doing those things. I think I spent about 20 minutes one night just writing down all the words that came to mind about what I wanted from the next part of my career, without thinking about it too hard or judging myself.

      Picked 3 or 4 recruiters that had contacted me relatively recently, and set up 15 minute intro calls with each of them. Told them I didn’t know if I was ready to make a move yet but wanted to see what was out there. They all sent me job descriptions, lots of them were hard misses but there were a handful that seemed interesting and might fit some of what I was looking for. Try to be open to different things, go in without a super prescribed idea of what a job should look like.
      I ended up just throwing my name into the ring for those that were even mildly interesting. I took an interview earlier this week and ended it about 10 minutes in. Not the best look, but it was clear in those 10 minutes that the position, company, and dynamic with the interviewer wasn’t for me.

      You don’t know what the other side is like until you’re in it, maybe you end up happy. maybe you end up hating it. But it can be worth the risk to find out.

   2. That was me and I eventually transitioned into government work.

      Honestly, if I had it to do over again I’d have gotten into therapy much earlier and worked through the anxiety that left me feeling unable to do the business development parts of private practice. At least I’d have had the option of sticking it out and moving up.

      1. Ugh reply in mod.

   3. I am an independent consultant now after a career of being in-house. Build your network now. It’s so hard during the pandemic without conferences but attend as many virtual seminars as you can and try always connect with a few people. Ask questions using your name and company. See if you can speak on a panel. I know this sounds like the business development stuff you don’t enjoy but this is also how you will find that just-right job if you do ultimately decide to go in house.

   4. I spent 25 years at a big 4 including 15 as partner. Hated the business development side, the stress of a constantly changing team (staffing boards) and the competition among partners. Loved the people, the constant learning and the nature of most of the work.

      Love being on the other side — didn’t realize how much I love solving problems and see the results of the changes vs advising and jumping on to the next client.

      I think it’s much easier now to jump back and forth, so choose your next role carefully, so that if you find you don’t like it and want to go back to consulting you can.

5. A former employee of mine is having unexpected surgery tomorrow…she let me know while explaining why she couldn’t make a planned call she asked about for networking. She’ll be fine in a couple days but I wanted to make a small get-well gesture…she’s very sweet/young/alone in the city. Any thoughts about what might be appropriate? I have her home address but only from our HR system so I think it might be a little weird/invasive to send something physically to her home. Definitely don’t want to overdo it but I think she’d appreciate something small.

   1. I think flowers and a card are always appreciated. Also, maybe a giftcard to a local grocer, restaurant, or retailer that offers delivery services.

      1. If she’s alone, I’d go for the delivery gift card over flowers.

   2. I’d just ask her address so it’s not sketchy. She could have moved. Just say you want to send her something. I had a relatively minor surgery and so many random people sent me things and I was very grateful. Mine involved a couple weeks of couch recovery so it was nice to have flowers and stuff to look at. One of my favorite random gifts was one of those big puzzle books – word searches, cross words, sudoko … it let me use my brain in a way that I could handle. I was on too many pain killers to do real work but watching constant tv was draining my brain. There’s only so much internet scrolling I could do. I think I did some coloring too but not the intense adult books. Just a plain old kids book w/ a pack of Crayola. Given your relationship, I’d go with flowers!

   3. I think you can ask her for her address. A coworkers grandfather passed away during a particularly crazy time at work, and I asked her for her address and sent her some food. You could send flowers/card, but I agree that a delivery gift card or sudoku book may be more useful.

   4. You can send a DoorDash or GrubHub gift card via email. I would do this.

   5. If this were me (living alone in a city) I’d love a delivery gift card or a box of bakery treats (would be happy to share my address for that). Flowers would be a pain because I’d have to find a vase for them and faff around when I don’t want to. Few things are more depressing than flowers past their best when you don’t have the energy to clean them up!

      1. I’d assume OP would send flowers already arranged in a vase, which I think would be nice. A plant might be nicer still, and I agree that food would be best of all.

6. Hi, I’m looking for a great employment litigator in Florida who can help me challenge a noncompete. Ideally in the Tampa area. If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Thanks!!!

   1. Not in Tampa, but I’d suggest Jorge Freddy Perera at Perera Barnhart Aleman. He’s a former colleague and a very skilled and thoughtful lawyer. If it doesn’t make sense for him to assist given the city, I’d bet he’ll have a recommendation.

   2. Ben Yormak. He’s probably 2.5 hours from Tampa but you could probably meet remote.

   3. To the person yesterday who poo-poo’h the thought of hiring an employment attorney to review a non-compete before signing it… this is why.

   4. Karen Buesing. I met her at a networking event – she’s a dynamo in person and has a stellar reputation as a lawyer.

   5. Kelly Chanfrau at Chanfrau and Chanfrau. A dynamo. Well respected.

7. The WSJ had an article yesterday about escalating law school tuition (not news) relative to starting salaries. One thing struck me is that the law school the focused on (Miami, but I’m sure this isn’t unique to them) had to send over a lot of $ to its university. Does anyone know why that is? I would think that any “excess” $ from tuition should be used to maybe reduce tuition and not to enrich the university. It seems like such a bad look, especially since most law jobs are in the <75K range to start with and most new graduates are on IBR (so loan balances aren't going down). Like why are these public servants and small firm practitioners having to give more $ to a university that is itself rich with a huge endowment? [I went to NYU and always felt like my tuition was for another villa for a dean at a foreign campus and my best classes were taught by really poorly paid adjuncts who were lucky they had other jobs to fall back on and keep a roof over their heads.]

   1. Because that is literally how the concept of schools within a university works

      1. to expand on that, the law school exists within the framework of the university. I’m sure we could find exceptions, but in most universities, the law school doesn’t run its own dorms, or its own cafeteria, or hire its own janitorial staff or facilities workers who fix the AC, HR is a unified service for most universities and they have a campus health service. All these things serve staff and students from all departments, and therefore money is handed over to the university.

         1. Is it commensurate with actual use? I got the sense it was predatory. Often law schools are no t on campus and students don’t live in dorms.

            1. Other businesses do this with products all the time so idk why this is surprising in the education context. Not everything is priced according exactly to the percentage of costs it takes to produce. Think of the ‘loss leader’ concept.

            2. School loans are t did chargeable in bankruptcy. That’s why this is troubling. Rich schools getting richer, often on the backs of first gen students who don’t know better and who get inadequate counseling. Financial aid at so many schools = borrow more.

            3. That’s a question that probably has a different answer depending on each institutions. The share that departments pay in overhead varies wildly between institutions. All departments pay overhead, not just the law school. If a researcher wins a million in NIH funding to study a disease, several 100k of that will not actually be within the researcher’s spending authority.
               Tons of factors go into it. All those services mentioned. Do all the law professors make twice what the physics professors make and therefore the university’s pension contribution is twice as high for the law professors? Is the law library the most bougie building on campus that costs tons of upkeep in preserving the historic mural? Is all of our money really just subsidizing the football coach or the university’s lawsuit against the city?
               I think predatory is a more appropriate word for a relationship between school and students, if tuition is outrageous compared against the service provided and the future earning potential of the degree.
               The overhead calculation is more like a government taxing the citizens, and everyone has different views on what is a useful/necessary service vs wasteful spending.

   2. Law schools are cash cows, that’s why. Easy for people to get loans = easy to charge tuition, and a law school is not particularly expensive to run (vs. say a medical school).

   3. Most postgraduate programs are cash cows for the university, especially master’s degrees. Let’s not even talk about MBAs.

      1. Anne Helen Petersen recently did a series on “predatory” master’s programs. It’s part of the free editions of her newsletter.

         1. Yes, it was fascinating! I work for a UK university, and even international tuition is a fraction of what would be charged in the US, but it is a huge cash cow.

         2. Wow — I had thought about applying for a master’s once, but decided against it b/c I was legit worried that my professors would consider me to be not scholarly enough to warrant a good letter of recommendation. I guess I had nothing to be worried about — as a warm body, I’d have been accepted somewhere and could be significantly worse off for it.

      2. Yep, medical or health sciences programs within universities literally fund all other departments/colleges.

         1. I’ve heard that humanities subsidize STEM b/c there is no poetry lab or equipment (ditto French ditto philosophy).

            1. Completely the opposite. STEM brings in millions and millions of dollars in research grants, and fellowships that students/post-docs apply for on their own. Poetry would never exist with STEM.

      3. Data science masters degrees as well.

         1. Yep! Though mine literally paid for itself in a year, so I was okay with the ROI.

8. I tried this blazer on recently during a visit to J. Crew Factory and it was unfortunately too big/long for me (5’0.) Randkmly stopped into Kohl’s to get something for my daughter and this blazer looked great for a super casual outfit.

   https://m.kohls.com/product/prd-3633856/womens-lc-lauren-conrad-fitted-blazer.jsp?prdPV=1&userPFM=lauren%20conrad%20blazer&diestoreid=530&selectShip=true

9. In a time/ panic crunch- I’m in a wedding Labor Day weekend. The bridesmaids dress just arrived and apparently I gained a full size from when I was measured. I’m going to see if a tailor can do anything but it isn’t very forgiving and won’t zip right now. Any tips for losing a size in a few weeks without starving myself?

   (Wedding is outdoors, 15 guests including bridal party, all family, we are all vaxxed and able to isolate after – we are doing a processional walk outside my grandmas assisted living facility windows so she can “participate” and I’d like to be comfortable, not busting out at a seam!)

   1. Go to the tailor, see what can be done, explore the world of Spanx, and give up alcohol.

   2. If it’s only 15 guests, perhaps speak to the bride about wearing a different dress in the same color scheme rather than starving yourself.

      1. +1 on talking to the bride about a different dress (with you doing the legwork of searching for some alternatives). A good friend would want you to be comfortable and would not want you to starve yourself or otherwise do what’s necessary to lose weight so rapidly.

   3. Sorry, that’s really frustrating. I think you have to tell the bride your issue and find a solution that may mean attending as a guest, not a bridesmaid. I take it from the size of the weeding that you are very close to the bride, so hopefully the conversation will go ok and the bride will take it as just another pandemic related hurdle thrown at her. Good luck!

   4. Can you order a different dress?

      1. Otherwise, if you’re really committed to wearing this dress, I would try something like Whole 30 for the next month.

         1. +1 to whole 30. Your skin will look better too.

   5. Intermittent fasting + fasted cardio at least 4 times a week + lowish carb, high protein, low sodium meals. It won’t be the most fun thing in the world but you can definitely lose a size by labor day if you stick to it.

   6. Where is the dress from? Some dresses are double seamed – I’ve taken a seam ripper to a David’s Bridal satin bridesmaid dress and gotten a whole extra inch out of it. I would look at the seams and see what your options are. Also, try it on with Spanx.

   7. I bet in this emergency situation a tailor can do wonders – especially if you’re not going to be seen/photographed from the back, they could insert in a panel at a seam or some other fix. In my mind, a “good enough” tailor fix (doesn’t need to look perfect) is better than the stress of trying to lose weight (which may not work).
      Also, if your bridesmaid dress is from a frequently used store (David’s or something) you may try finding your size/color on ebay, Poshmark or other resale sites. People are always reselling them!
      But yes – hit up a tailor!!!

      1. This. But if you really want to try to lose the weight for the wedding (even if you put it back on) cut out all gluten, carby gluten replacements like gluten free pretzels, dairy, alcohol, sugary treats, etc. Eat meat, fish, veggies, eggs. Do something to tone daily, even if it’s just 20 mins of yoga.

   8. I used to manage a bridal salon, and this came up all the time. Reach out to the vendor that made the dress and ask to purchase additional fabric. A tailor/seamstress can then add panels at the sides to give you the room you need.

      1. Wow really? So good to know. Thank you.

   9. Where did you get the dress from? I was in a wedding where the store ordered the incorrect size based on the measurements I gave them. The store was able to source some of the same material and add a panel to the back of the dress. Dress looked great when they were done.

   10. Sugar, salt, and dairy make me swell like a balloon. If you can cut those out, you may find you don’t actually need to lose that much. if I have even one slice of pizza, my tummy blows up like a basketball.

   11. I had this happen to me once. The tailor hemmed the dress just a tad shorter than necessary and used the fabric to build panels at the sides of the waist. If you are close to any of the other bridesmaids, and they are having alterations, try and get their fabric too or use the same seamstress. Then double spanx and stand all night worked for me.

   12. A good seamstress/tailor can do a lot, as can the right shapewear (look for the “firm” or “extra firm” control stuff; it’s gotten a lot better these days and while I wouldn’t say it’s comfortable the way my sweatpants are comfortable, it’s no longer torturous to wear).

       Whenever I need a reset on my nutrition or want to drop a few pounds, I follow the Perricone Weight Loss Diet from his book by that name. It’s a lower-carb diet that’s really heavy on fish, nuts and leafy greens. Just doing a free-form “low-carb diet” doesn’t work for me; I need structure. Last time I just (mostly, because some things I don’t eat) followed the 14-day plan in the book and I was able to fit into the event dress I needed to fit into after 10 days. I did not up my exercise (I work out three days a week anyway), I just followed the diet. Bonus, my skin really did look amazing at the end of the 14 days. I like this diet vs. others because the emphasis is on real foods and it’s not about weird combinations or healthy things being off-limits (I’ve never made Whole 30 work for me for that reason). It’s a “diet” that is really just the way we technically should all be eating every day of our lives. If I could eat this way all the time, I would probably have superpowers.

   13. Low carb makes you lose weight quickly. Also, check Poshmark. My girlfriend had luck finding the exact dress she needed for a wedding there!

       1. Poshmark all the way. If it’s from David’s Bridal, you can also ask the seller to check the tag so it’s the right color (literally the color is printed on the second tag and a lot of people don’t know to look there, so they list it as “purple dress” instead of Weeping Wisteria or whatever the name is).

   14. I do research on weight loss. The best way to lose weight quickly is to track extremely accurately with my fitnesspal (weight all the foods you eat) while eating 1200-1400 calories per day. Weight yourself daily. And exercise (walk or run) for an hour a day. You will lose 1-2 lbs per week if not more.

       1. If I do this, my metabolism slows to a crawl and I actually have to spend time resting in bed to recover from the hour of exercise. My body would apparently rather self-cannibalize (I lose muscle tissue) or lower my temperature (it falls below 96 if I restrict calories this way) than lose weight.

          I do have hypothyroidism, insulin resistance, reactive hypoglycemia, and high insulin levels though.

          1. Ok, so then your experience is likely not going to be applicable to OP, who assumedly doesn’t have the same health conditions. Why post this?

          2. Congrats on being special?

   15. It might not be you – the dress might have been measured or made incorrectly. This is a common situation. It doesn’t solve your problem but it does explain why it doesn’t fit.

   16. Before you decide what to do, also consider where you are in your cycle, if relevant. I know I bloat and in addition go up a bra size around ovulation, and dresses fit very differently on period day 5 when everthing has run back off.

       Second the tailor idea, but would not personally try to loose weight to fit a dress if I was also fighting my cycle in addition to whatever happenend with the dress between last fitting and now.

10. I was job searching for a higher-level and fully-remote position, because my org is too small for promotion and I have a household member who is immuno-compromised. They just announced permanent WFH for my department, so that takes the immediate pressure off.

    But, I’ve been in this role for 8 years. I know it looks bad that I haven’t moved up, even though I literally can’t (my boss has been clear that she plans to retire from her job, and she’s 42).

    I guess what I’m asking is, how do you calibrate your sense of “life is chaos and I need to lean out for a while” versus “the world is on fire and it isn’t going to change, so get on with it” considering we’ve all been in a state of fight-or-flight for over a year?

    1. I don’t think not moving up is as fatal as you think it is. That’s very understandable at a small org, so I wouldn’t let it get in your head too much as a motivating factor.

       1. +1.

       2. Ditto. Can you point to how you have developed or taking on new responsibilities within the role and organization? In a small org, it makes sense that you’re not getting a new title every couple years – and also that will help explain why you’re ready to move into a new challenging role

    2. It doesn’t look at that bad. People understand small orgs. Anyway, it doesn’t sound like you hate your job. At least you didn’t say that. You did suggest that your personal life is demanding right now, so leaning out is appealing. It’s not all about promotions and money. Sometimes, it’s about making the medium size bucks and having time and energy to attend to personal matters. We have this one view of success, but that’s wrong. Success can look like a lot of things – it’s really dependent on what you want and need at the time. You don’t have to stay forever, but if you have something personal going on where it makes sense, you should feel good about staying put.

11. has anyone else dealt with being kind of a perfectionist/extreme achievement orientation? It’s something that I like about myself to a large extent but also it inhibits me from really being as happy with myself and my life as I should be (and I really should be!) I’m working through what kinds of things make me this way and what the underlying driver is. I am in therapy (that’s how this came up) but would also really appreciate hearing others’ perspectives

    1. Maybe not the whole picture, but I recently heard some things about how perfectionism is connected to anxiety. If you haven’t explored this it may be worth it. I know that for me, increased anxiety = increased perfectionism.
       Also, just going through the cost/benefit analysis with yourself with “perfect” vs “good enough” can be enlightening. What’s the worst that could happen if perfection doesn’t happen? Is good enough that much worse? Who will notice but yourself?

       1. Another thing – when my anxiousness was at it’s worst, I had the same thoughts about how I “should” be happy with my circumstances, but the reality was that I was suffering, and trying to white-knuckle my way through the anxiousness. Learning not to play the comparison game as much helped a lot. At the end of the day, if I’m crying in my car regularly and can’t function like I want to, it doesn’t matter if someone has it worse.

    2. Yes, and my perspective is that it is useful to get to the root motivation behind your perfectionism. Do you want to be valued by others, and you believe being perfect will provide you security/a guarantee of being valued?

    3. Yes. I solved it by completely burning out and becoming apathetic to literally everything. No, I’m not kidding.

       1. I didn’t quite make it to full apathy, but I was so miserable and I decided I didn’t want to be miserable anymore, so I changed my way of thinking and just stopped caring about being perfect/achieving whatever it is that I thought I was supposed to achieve. It’s a hamster wheel and I took myself off of it after doing a lot of work in therapy to realize that I was the only one who was putting this pressure on myself and that no one else GAF, it wasn’t working for me (clearly) and I would rather be content and enjoy my life than make myself crazy trying to achieve something that wasn’t actually achievable. I honestly don’t get stressed anymore. I just don’t.

    4. You have a choice in how you think about things. Start with recognizing that you’re not perfect and you never will be. Come up with a personal code of how to live instead of an individual orientation focused on achievement; for me, I’m a good friend, a good partner, I don’t only consider myself in making decisions, I’m kind, and my goal in life is to have a lot of fulfilling relationships with other people. I could probably write it more eloquently but that’s the basic idea.

       1. Appreciate this –
          Oddly, in my low moments where I feel like I’ve f*cked up or feel shitty about myself, my fiancé reminding me that I’m not perfect has been so reassuring. Because none of us are! And expecting that is setting us up for disappointment.
          I’m able to recognize this in others but it’s hard to do that for myself sometimes.

    5. Read Brene Brown! Her work helped me get to the root of my perfectionism and understand what it really is (which you are probably on your way to doing with therapy). Plot twist, it’s not “I just really really LOVE neat desks and hate typos and value hard work!” For me, it was “if I am not perfect/do not do this thing perfectly/achieve everything I won’t be safe or loved because I am not inherently worthy of love and belonging.” Super painful way to live, let me tell you. She has a book called “The Gift of Imperfection,” but I preferred Daring Greatly— it was a bit more involved.

12. Thanks for the Menopause Manifesto book Rex last week. I had been wondering where my metabolism and mental energy had gone — now I know! It is sobering how much a risk heart disease will be for the last half of my life — but I’ve gotten religion about needing to get my act together health-wise.

    1. And remember that most of us women will not present with the same signs of heart disease as men, and are more likely to be ignored by our doctor when we report them.

       And I’m a doc, sad to say.

    2. So glad you found it helpful! Dr. Jen is a star and so are you!

13. Does anyone just want to scream into the void lately? Sick of work, sick of home, sick of everything. I’m doing all the things. Just venting and wondering if I’m alone.

    1. Definitely had those moments. Scream away!

    2. Yes. It just doesn’t let up. No amount of “self care” is helping.

       Plus, you know that joke about how cars and appliances break when they hear that you have spare cash? Well, the same applies to PTO. I’ve tried three times to take a mini-vacation just to catch my breath, and literally every time ended up with a household emergency (plumbing disaster, cat UTI, and busted car window) that sucked up every bit of spare time and energy I had during the days off. I want to rage at the sky to just LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE FOR TEN MINUTES.

       1. This is me. I’ve tried to take 1 day/month off to help with burnout/no vacay and in 2 out of 3 instances so far I’ve had to deal with work or life-housekeeping sh*t. No pure day off.

       2. Yep. I haven’t traveled since December of 2019, and I just want a fun day off. My next scheduled vacation day is to be home while having a toilet replaced. Crummy “vacation” day and crummy way to spend $700.

    3. This is me. I am generally incredibly patient with all things and now I have no patience for anything — which is really not helping anyone or anything! And my days off seem to be one crisis or disaster followed by another.

    4. YES. This current stage of the pandemic makes me feel burned out on life, basically. Everything is fine (except for the global context), but I am just done with it.

    5. I’m right there with you. Anne Helen Peterson had a good post on it yesterday (“You’re Still Exhausted”).

14. Have any attorneys here worked in insurance defense and switched sides to plaintiffs personal injury, or the other way around? What made you switch and what did you like/dislike about both? I’ve been in insurance defense for about 3 years and have realized I despise insurance companies and would rather fight against them. Also I loathe billable hours (who doesn’t). However, my brief experience clerking at a plaintiff’s firm was a pretty negative experience: the lawyers were all extremely overworked and underpaid and everyone treated them poorly from clients, staff, and especially the managing partner. It was a really stressful experience and I chose insurance defense instead because it was a more “corporate” environment with institutional clients and less volume-based practice. I’d like to switch sides but not sure if the chaotic environment is avoidable.

    1. 1) most of my old friends/colleagues have and do
       2) money and not billing hours

       my anecdotal working-at-PI-Firm (3 years) experience was the opposite. we paralegals/staff did all of the work, fielded crying/desperate phone calls from the plaintiffs, and hustled all the medical records/demands and my loathsome Attorney would lob a few phone calls to OC and settle. If I didn’t hate NYC-area scumbag plaintiffs I’d go back in a heartbeat to be that attorney.

    2. My husband went defense to plaintiff side and it’s a tougher road from a financial perspective if you’re starting your own thing, lots of ups and downs. There’s probably a top shop in your area, I’d start there by being an associate and if you’re good at it, look to leave and start your own or make partner. No more or less dysfunctional than the defense side if the firm is big enough. It’s the smaller shops that are more of a wild card, but can be great if you align with their approach.

    3. I have a lot of friends in these spaces and it seems to be very personality driven. The plaintiffs side folks thrive on the bustling environment, they tend to be more extroverted, they’re basically the closest to a TV lawyer that I’ve met in real life. The defense side people tend to be more calm and sedate but I’m not sure id call it a corporate environment, it’s not like being in house where you’re working with business people. I think plaintiffs side takes more skill as a lawyer, whereas the defense folks seem to do basically the same thing over and over. Plaintiffs side seems to be the more rewarding but also draining option. Ymmv of course.

       1. Thanks, this is really good insight and consistent with my experience too. I can’t think of any plaintiffs’ attorneys that I know that are introverted. I know plenty of defense attorneys and there’s a broad spectrum there.

    4. I do expert witness work and honestly I don’t know how some of these plaintiffs side attorneys can live with themselves.

       1. Can you expand on this? I have definitely met a few plaintiffs attorneys who did shady things, but same with defense attorneys. I haven’t gotten the impression one side is more ethical than the other. They do pursue some BS claims, but that’s why those cases settle.

          1. Not Anon at 12:28, but I agree that I’ve seen some questionable tactics/claims from the plaintiff side that skirt the lines of ethics. It might be where I practice insurance defense (South Florida), but there is A TON of fraudulent claims down here. I think South Florida may be the only place where the insurance company truly isn’t the bad guy. From Plaintiff’s side: Unnecessary surgeries, collusion and kickbacks, and preying upon immigrant communities is not uncommon.

             1. Yes I’m in California workers’ compensation and there is a TON of fraud in the system and the plaintiff’s attorneys are in on it. (Not all of course, but plenty of the big volume ones)

    5. If you want to make the jump, ask around for the best plaintiff PI firm in town. The firms that make insurance companies automatically consider it a six if not seven figure case and that will not touch a low impact soft tissue case. Given what you do not like about defense work, run far, far away from the mills that do high volume of (often questionable) cases. You want the firms that actually work up their cases and are prepared to actually try them.

       Also be mentally prepared for the simple fact that many plaintiff’s are lying through their teeth; many are being honest but do not have a case for various reasons (not every wrong has a remedy and that can be heartbreaking); many have legitimate complaints but are not being 100% honest, which can end up ruining what would otherwise be a good case; and a small number will have good cases you will still lose because you are entrusting your client’s fate to 12 random strangers. In other words, the world is not black and white and you will find that insurance companies are no more inherently evil than plaintiffs, plaintiff attorneys, or plaintiff experts. But going to a really good plaintiff firm that vets its cases helps mitigate a lot of that.

15. Would you travel to an all-inclusive in Cancun this month (I know everyone’s risk tolerance is different so maybe this is more of a why or why not?)? This is a rescheduled vacation and it’s feeling like it may be better to cancel again. Context, Cancun airport looks packed/slow/low mask wearing. Mexico numbers are underreported and spiking. Mexico just added to UK’s red list.

    Related – any east coast US beach that wouldn’t be impossible to book on short notice?

    1. I am 100% fine flying, but the crowded nature of Cancun’s AI resorts gives me pause. What about Cabo instead? From friends that have gone, their hotel pictures show lots of space and breeze, vs. those that have gone to Party Central areas with people on top of each other at the bars.

       (For a sense of my risk tolerance, we’ve been to FL multiple times throughout the last year and a half, but stayed at properties where we have private outdoor space – patio or balcony or in some cases even our own pool, people were well behaved at the beach in the Naples area, and did takeout or outdoor dining only. Currently planning a trip to Italy where we’ll adhere to the same plan.)

    2. Right now, I’d be less worried about COVID and more worried about going anywhere that needs a flight. The airlines seem to be a hot mess and are cancelling huge percentages of their flights last minute and leaving people stranded.

       1. +1 to the airline worries

          I’m actually scheduled for a September Cancun trip (not AI resort), but fully vaxed, and I plan on abiding by all masking rules to protect locals. We know at this point what to do – wash your hands, wear your masks, stay away from people when you don’t have to be near them.

    3. Yup!

    4. Yes, I would.

    5. 300% no way. But I also have two small children at home. We had a covid scare this week (fortunately negative) and the doctor we saw said that many vaccinated people are testing positive for covid, most fortunately don’t get that sick, but you can still spread Covid to others. I did go on a flight last month, so I am not of the camp to completely stay home, but I flew to a family member’s home and then basically stayed there. I am not comfortable with all of that group dining. If I were to get sick, I don’t want to be sick in a foreign country. And if I were to go, even though it is not required, I’d probably quarantine and test 5 days after getting home. I also would likely be too nervous to enjoy myself, hence defeating the purpose.

    6. I wouldn’t. Even if you catch an asymptomatic case, what do you do if you test positive? Will they let you on the plane to come home? Where will you quarantine if not? And everything that goes with that.

       1. It’s Mexico. At many resorts there is a “guarantee” that your exit test will be negative. The list of such resorts is easily available online and yes I do believe many (most?) people would take advantage of this — even if they felt mild symptoms, go to one of the places with the guarantee, get the test result they need and board so as not to be needing possible medical care in Mexico and even if it isn’t bad enough to need care, they don’t want to spend $$$ on hotels for weeks of quarantine.

          1. what does this mean? That the resorts are faking the tests? Or that they will let you stay there until it tests negative for free?

             And you sound like getting on an airplane with mild COVID symptoms is an acceptable thing to do?

             Am I reading this correctly? If so… just…. WOW

    7. No way. The type of people going to Cancun in a pandemic are more likely to be unvaccinated, unmasked, party types. And while I’m sure you have plans to be safe and are vaccinated, you need to cross paths with these people — share a plane with them (masking on planes is hit or miss, many pull down the mask and eat one snack over 2 hours); there are lines at the airport esp when you’re leaving Mexico but even at baggage in arrivals so that’s a lot of indoor crowded spaces; and hotels have people from everywhere, you’re sharing elevators and in those bigger hotels it’s just not possible to not run into anyone because they are so full. Plus what are you doing for food? Even if you aren’t indoor dining, you’ll need to pick up takeout. You’re not getting curbside anything (and prob won’t have a car anyway) and it’s a crowded vacation spot; so expect to go in to pick up an order and have to wait 15 min for them to get yours out to you even if you pre ordered, as there’s a million other folks ahead of you; again more indoor time. Add all this to the fact that there ARE vaccine break throughs and drs in my area (DC) are saying they are seeing way more break throughs than they’d expect, hard NO.

16. A vent…my parents are struggling to sell their East Bay house after a sale fell through on inspection. And I thought it was the foundational issues that the inspection flagged but now I think it is their incompetent realtor. I have a Cb head shaped dent in my desk from the months of drama this has caused and am about to have a talk with my dad about firing the realtor.

    Lesson learned, don’t do business with the guy you like to play golf with…

    1. Oh wow! That’s a hot market so things like foundations don’t normally matter here! Yes, get a new agent.

       1. Right? He’s in his late 70s and took a lower commission, and clearly you get what you pay for! Dad doesn’t want to hurt his feelings… Dad seems to sad and frustrated that everything has been such a disaster (the house they bought needed tons and tons of unexpected work, etc) but I think he’s a bit stuck…

          1. Oh my word…never do business with someone whose feelings take priority over getting the job done. Good luck.

       2. yup! I literally saw a postcard for the owner of my rental, basically saying: “Are you looking to sell? 93% of my sales get inspection waived, that’s how good of a realtor I am!” For me as a person who might buy a house one day that was a turnoff, but clearly the market is hotttt.

    2. Aren’t buyers in that market supposed to be waiving inspections?

    3. A correctly priced house, even one with foundation issues, will sell, and will sell quickly. I’m assuming your parents’ selling price doesn’t reflect the issues and that’s why the buyer wasn’t willing to complete the transaction.

       Now that you know there’s an issue, it’s time to adjust expectations about selling price and move forward.

       1. Yeah it is weird, it is like they aren’t getting good advice on that front. Like surely it would be easier to drop 50k off the price and sell tomorrow, rather than try and get the work done beforehand?

          1. @CB – I know you’re not asking for recommendations, but I highly recommend Astrid Lacitis. If only to get an opinion on next steps. (And no I’m not her ?).

17. Is there an app or a s1te that teaches you how to design a closet? Meaning, ways to structure it, not just trying to sell you modular shelves. I’m not interested in throwing money at a closet company for one small space, but I’m a dunce at spatial awareness.

    1. So I DIY’d a closet redesign by literally measuring my clothes. Like – how many linear feet of dresses did I own that needed a full height rod, vs. knee-length dresses that could accommodate low shelves for shoes underneath, vs. double-rod for tops, skirts, and pants.

       Including my husband’s clothes I ended up with half double-rod, one-third single rod with shelving for short dresses or multi-hanger skirts and pants, one-sixth single rod with no shelving for long dresses.

       1. +1 to this. I measured how many inches everything that hangs needs, both up & down and side-to-side. I measured how many inches of shelving I needed, including how much height between for my sweater and shoe boxes. I emptied my closet, used masking tape to tape off where I thought things would go, figured out where the studs were and where I would need to install the supports, measured a few more times, took photos, wrote all the measurements on the photos, then bought wire shelving and supports from the big box store and installed them myself. It was a lot of planning, but very inexpensive and I now LOVE my closet. Fits so much stuff and is very organized.

    2. Easyclosets dot com has an online design tool that you can fool around with. I used them to design my closet some years ago and was happy with the result. You wouldn’t have to buy from them if you don’t want to.

    3. Look at the IKEA page and the inspiration pages for the Pax wardrobe range. They always have lots of different configurations of size, hanger space, drawers, shelves etc.

       Take a tape measure to current hanger space and see how much space X number of your favorite style hangers take if you space them how you prefer your clothes to be in an ideal situation, not crammed. Have a think about whether you need both high and lower hanger space. Are any of your clothes currently in drawers/shelves/floor more suited to hanging space?

18. Any litigators out there who were reasonably happy pre-pandemic and now just can’t stomach the adversarial nature of the job? I’ve been a practicing litigator for over a decade and was always able to compartmentalize life vs. work, but I’ve found that in the last year, that has changed. I don’t want to fight any more. I’m about to quit but just wondering if anyone out there is feeling similarly.

    1. Yes, yes, yes. Me. I literally cry at my desk every day. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m trying desperately to get out, but have not had any luck at all.

       1. Same. :-(

    2. Almost every litigator (including me) seems to feel like this right now. I’m an equity partner making far, far more than I could doing anything else. I actually contemplated a position a couple of months ago that would have been a six-figure pay cut. Instead, I’m going to power through the next few years, pay off what remains on my loans, and explore options then.

    3. I feel like this but don’t know where to go. I am highly analytical and don’t think I’d be good at an in-house job unless it was managing litigation. Those jobs are few and far between.

    4. Yes yes yes yes. I can’t explain it. I’ve been in the midst of a mid-career crisis all year because I just can’t do this anymore. I have no idea what to do. One moment I think I should become a teacher, and then the next I want to be a therapist. I’m too early in my career to feel so burnt out :(

    5. ME.

       I have to have a minor-ish surgical procedure next week and I had a breakdown yesterday because I just want to take a few days off without worrying about someone else’s arbitrary, BS deadlines even if it means exaggerating how serious this is. I just want to be left alone. I do not want to pay attention to your pointless discovery dispute letter. I do not want to make these “quick” revisions by COB when I have 9,000 other things to do. My health isn’t more important than your desire to get a draft to the client this week when the brief isn’t due for months. I want to cry.

    6. Late to the party commenting – My vote is that so much of the stuff that was “fun” still hasn’t picked back up yet and that’s what’s getting to me. I realize that I can depose someone for 6 hours on zoom but that’s just tiring, whereas doing it in person is fun – random stories, social interaction, etc. It also meant that I actually got to meet opposing counsel in person and that just makes people naturally friendlier when we get to discovery battles and the like. But, yeah, we are all in the same boat now and the mood at my office is downright dark (more seething anger than sad) with the current Delta situation.

19. And to make up for my vent, I can hear my husband on the phone in his office, and he’s bragging to his co-worker about my new job. Pretty sure his whole workplace (including the government ministers he chats with in the cafe) have heard my news. It will involve pretty significant upheaval, with me stretched across two cities, and he’s just totally on board on what’s best for my career.

    1. Wait, did I miss the announcement that you got that job for which you were interviewing last week? Congratulations and tell us more.

    2. Congratulations on the new job!!! Bubbles on me when you’re in town next

    3. Aw, that’s great! Congratulations!

    4. You got it? Congratulations!!!

    5. Congrats from the random lurker who popped up to comment on this when you were thinking of applying! Hopefully we cross paths one day.

    6. Congrats! And it’s sweet that he’s so proud of you.

    7. You got it?! Yay!!!

    8. Oh yay!! I wondered what happened!!

    9. Wow, congrats on the new job!

    10. You got the job!! I’m delighted for you.

    11. Congrats!!

    12. Amazing news, thanks fir sharing, and congratulations

20. My cousins wife has been posting anti-vax stuff – or really more like, “I’m not anti vax but we should be asking questions and ‘doing our own research’ about them” while linking to totally terrible posts – on her Instagram stories. We are not close, I’ve actually never met her, but are friends on social media and generally “like” pics of each other’s kids. Do I DM her and express concern? What do I do? I think it’s important to keep these family connections and also to not bubble myself off – we have different political positions (I’m guessing) and social media connections with family and friends from home are the only people I interact with with different political views. But this vaccine thing feels different to me somehow.

    1. I get the impulse, because honestly this would enrage me. I delete most social media connections that make me feel ragey, and quietly unfollow the ones that don’t get deleted because of family issues. So if you haven’t done that, definitely consider starting there. Otherwise, I would not engage unless this somehow impacts your family directly. Seeing as you’ve never actually met her, that seems unlikely. There’s nothing to be gained by engaging, it seems unlikely that if she is anti-vax-curious despite all of the vaccine information campaigns, I doubt a message from a distant relative she’s never met will make a difference.

    2. The New York Times had a chatbot that helped you learn how to engage with anti vax people– maybe search and work through the article?

    3. Unfollow. I unfollowed my own sister and when that wasn’t enough (because she could still tag me in stuff) I unfriended her.

    4. First of all – that phrase “do your own research” makes me see red. If she’s stupid enough to think she has access to information that the CDC and their billions of research dollars does not, she’s too stupid to help.

       Second – I wouldn’t engage with her directly, but I would post to my own story in support of vaccines. But I’m petty and passive aggressive.

    5. Thanks all. That was my gut reaction too – I’m not going to convince her, and confronting her might in fact push her deeper into the conspiracy theories. If I was closer to her I might engage in a conversation but that would be weird given the situation.

       The do your own research is what got me too. She went to college and in fact has a public health degree. It’s this total mistrust of government/science that has crept into otherwise formerly reasonable people. Sigh.

21. TLDR: Interested in your thoughts on approximately how much money an older couple should have in low-risk investments (cash/bonds)

    Here’s the scenario: my parents are 81 and 83. They have recently moved into a continuing care retirement community. Their housing is fully paid, and the current monthly fees are fully covered by my father’s defined-benefit pension and their social security. Right now, they don’t pull anything from investments on a month-to-month basis. They have roughly $2.75 million dollars in assets (not including their housing – their estate will get about $300,000 back from that when they die, assuming they haven’t had to use that to pay for care.)

    If and when their health declines, the picture will change. If one of them needs skilled nursing, they would pull about$5k/month from savings. If both do, it would be $9k/month. They have good insurance, but I would estimate another $1k/month in uncovered costs. I doubt that they will need memory care, since both are in their 80s and still quite sharp, but that would cost even more (I believe roughly another $5k/month per person).

    Both are in reasonably good health for their age. No major medical issues. Each has a parent who lived well into their 90s. No history of expensive illnesses on either side of the family, although at their age it’s obviously a roll of the dice.

    They are trying to figure out how to allocate their investments. Right now, they are pretty conservative. However, one of my brother’s children was diagnosed as autistic a few years ago. They are currently six years old, and non-speaking. While it’s impossible to predict the future, it’s quite possible that they will not be able to live independently as an adult. My parents would like to leave as much as they can to a special needs trust for the benefit of this child, but obviously without compromising their own needs.

    So the issue is that we are really working with two time horizons here. Some amount of money will be used in the next 10-15 years. Whatever is left will not be required for another 15 years (perhaps longer, if the child lives and is supported by their parents past the age of 21), and they hope it will be enough to provide meaningful support throughout his lifetime.

    Obviously they want to keep whatever they are reasonably likely to need for their own care in conservative investments; but they would like to maximize the growth of whatever will end up in the trust. Right now, they are trying to figure out if it’s reasonable to shift some of their current investments into a growth-oriented fund, or if they should assume that they might need it all.

    They’ve asked me my opinion, because I usually am the child who gives them financial advice, but this seems beyond my expertise. I’ve always told them to be conservative, because ensuring their comfort in retirement is much more comfortable than leaving anything to me and my brother; but his child’s diagnosis changes the equation.

    (FWIW, I am totally fine with the plan to leave the bulk of their assets to my brother’s kid. My family is doing fine financially–not enough to commit to taking on longterm support for the kid, but enough that we don’t really need the money. My brother is a teacher married to another teacher, so while they are comfortable this money really could make a massive difference for their child’s quality of life).

    1. If they are in a CCRC, their buy-in amount should cover the higher levels of care unless they are in a place that raises the monthly amount? You wouldn’t be using insurance. Maybe not all CCRCs are the same but the one near me, you buy in and then you are there for life even through nursing home care on site.

    2. No advice, but you all sound like a nice family, and I’m glad you have each other. Much love

    3. Your parent’s investment decisions should be made with their own care and living in mind and not about maximizing inheritance for subsequent generations, no matter the dependency issue. Your nephew’s parents have their entire working lives or plan for him.

       $2.75mm is very decent and much more than the vast majority of people have.

       Don’t they have to take minimum distributions on their 401k/IRA accounts or do they not have any of those?

    4. I would talk to a financial advisor so that they can run numbers for various scenarios. There’s no guarantee in anything the market does but I’d sleep better knowing I made the best informed decision that I can.

       1. Yes, I’d also recommend a financial advisor and/or an attorney that works with elder law. They’d be able to recommend whether (or how) to set up a special needs trust for the child and various investment scenarios.

          Honestly, both of my grandmothers ran through pretty much all of their funds due to the cost of assisted living by the end (one was 104 and in memory care, the other had end-stage nerve damage and needed 24-7 nursing care). But neither had even close to a million.

    5. Some more things to consider:

       1. What happens to the db pension if your father passes away before your mother – do payments continue at the same amount, or at a reduced surviving spouse rate, or do they stop?

       2. Not to be negative, but my father’s dementia didn’t really kick in until he was about 90, and my MIL’s when she was about 86 – so if I were in your shoes, I would plan on the dementia-care costs for at least one parent.

       3. YMMV of course, but when my MIL’s dementia got really bad, she needed round-the-clock attention. You would think a CCRC provides that on their “memory care unit,” but they don’t – or at least not to the extent she needed it. She ended up with between 40 and 60 hours a week (it was 24/7 during the worst time, before her meds were dialed in) of private nursing/personal care/sitter services. That was not covered by the CCRC, or by any insurance.

       1. Thanks – that last point is really helpful, and precisely the kind of thing we need to be thinking about!

22. Is anyone else a beauty pie member here? I just upgraded to the new annual membership because I kept spending my entire allowance on candles.

    I’m overwhelmed by the skincare choices. I am ordering the vitamin c capsules and would like a serum to use over them but I’m confused by all the choices.

    Thanks in advance for any recs, or if not serum, just your favorite products from them!

    1. Following with interest, have been considering joining for a while. I am thinking of just paying the annual fee right away because the monthly subscriptions and allowances are too much hassle for me. How do you like the candles? I typically buy Nest candles, do you know how these compare?

       1. The candles are great, which is why I had been spending most of my allowance on them! I have a grapefruit Nest candle and I would say they are similar in throw, though I have different scents in the BP candles so it’s hard to compare directly. I bought the Fleurosa, the Reves d’Eze and the Clean House candles last time. I love the Fleurosa – it’s a tropical white flower bouquet so right up my alley. I use it in my bedroom. The Reves d’Eze is a nice kitchen scent, very green. And the Clean House was not my favorite! It smells like laundry detergent to me. Many reviewers said they liked to clean their house and light the candle and I can see that. I gave it to my college aged daughter and she loves it for just that purpose.

          I also like the plantastic balm cleanser and the glow drops. And that’s really all I’ve tried so far!

          1. Thanks! The Nest grapefruit candle is HG so that is high praise!

             1. Oops, sorry OP of a differnt post!

       2. I love the cleansing balms, the sunscreen is pretty good, and the oil in the green bottle. I like the selection and the packaging, the quality seems really good.

23. Just a whine for today.

    New mattress arrived for my father today, who is bed bound, severely disabled and immunocompromised. Was a huge event to move him safely to another bed with all of his equipment, medical supplies etc.. empty his room for the movers… and the movers tore out a large chunk of his ceiling moving his old mattress out…. and brought the wrong new mattress.

    So now we need two more visits from strangers in the house…. moving the right mattress in…. repairing the ceiling.

    Sleep Number mattress. Gosh I hope it is worth it…

    1. Wow that sucks. I’m sorry.

       1. thank you!

    2. I’m so sorry! I hope it’s worth it for you!

    3. Feeling for you – I went through a similar scenario once and it is a vivid memory. Hugs from an internet stranger.

24. Now that things are starting to go back to normal (namely gyms re-opening), I am remembering why I was so miserable before the pandemic. There aren’t enough hours in the day. I am having such a hard time balancing work, taking care of my dog, working out (which I am trying to prioritize because I completely stopped during the pandemic and my fitness and body is a stranger to me now), eating healthy (ditto), having a social life (plus trying to date because I am single), doing chores, getting enough sleep, etc. and that is saying nothing about any of my hobbies or the things that actually bring me joy. How does anyone do it all? I actually find myself wishing that things would close again so that I would have that excuse to take things off of my plate. And I’m still remote – no idea how I will also factor in a commute and getting ready for in-person work in. I think this is just a vent but yeah, life is overwhelming.

    1. I completely agree – I feel this way too.

       1. Oh, me too!

    2. Yes. With WFH, now that I have time to go for daily walks, keep on top of my household stuff, meet contractors as needed, have time to volunteer, I have NO IDEA how I used to do it. I think I just dropped a lot of balls all of the time and felt badly about it. I do NOT want to go back to the commuting, sit-at-work-waiting-on-others life more than 1-2 days a week ever again.

    3. Figure out your priorities, own them, and schedule them. Don’t do things because you think you should; do them because they matter to you. Then, do things to make your life easier, like keep all your cleaning supplies where you need them, or plan to vacuum while you make coffee. Stay off of here and social media (my big time sucks) and get stuff done. (No shame about being on here or social, but remember that it is a choice you are making to prioritize scrolling over something else.)

       1. Sorry, same anon. I know you said it was mostly a rant, but I have the same prob. I wake up in the morning thinking about how much stuff I’m going to get done, and then I spend hours on my phone (like now). I do find that I do better if I schedule things out on my phone calendar, even small things like lunch, shower, etc. Also, I do well with alarms (make lunch plus unload dishwasher). Plus, ive had to let go of a few things that I would like to do but aren’t a priority right now (long bike ride, rearranging closet, etc.)

    4. I’ve decided that pets are too much work for what they add to my life. I will not be getting any more animals once mine pass.

       I also acknowledged that I simply will not drag myself to a gym. I bought an elliptical and a (used) universal and crammed them into my basement. Not only is it almost no effort to drag myself downstairs to exercise (compared to driving to a gym) but the laundry savings is insane. I can work out in a sports bra, undies, and sneakers. I don’t need layers of gym clothes, towels, beauty care, and a bag to put it all in. It’s magical.

       1. This is one thing we figured out in the pandemic – home workout gear is worth the investment. It’s so much easier to talk myself out of working out when I have to put on outside-the-house-appropriate clothes, fill a water bottle, and drag myself to the gym, where I then have to mask up and dodge people who are still there despite coughing/runny noses. When I can work out in ratty cotton bike shorts and an old t-shirt, and the workout facility is ten steps from my couch, and no one is near me but my dogs, harder to make excuses. I can workout at 5 in the morning or at midnight or in the middle of the day. I can work out for ten minutes or an hour and ten minutes and watch what I want on my tablet without having to deal with Fox News being on every.single. tv at the gym. We started out with a used treadmill and now we have the treadmill and an exercise bike, a small set of free weights, a yoga mat and some resistance bands. I want to get one of those Mirror things and a weight bench that can hold a barbell. We’re trying to figure out how to convert one of the rooms in our house to a workout room because maintaining fitness is just so much easier this way.

    5. I’m sorry, I know the feeling. Could you potentially combine a few of those things? Invite a friend to hike with you and your dog? (dog + exercise + socialize) Or meet you at the dog park? (dog + socialize) What are the hobbies and things that bring you joy? I know some of it is out of your control, but what can you really take off your plate?

25. For people who live in CT commutable to NYC and Westchester NY, how long during the year can you use an outdoor pool? Mid-June to mid-September?

    We are looking to move out to burbs (yes, horrible time to do that, but DH is changing jobs) and DH’s dream is to have a pool. Like the one he had growing up in TX. I think it’s misguided, more work than it’s worth, and a waste of $ on electricity and upkeep, but marriage = compromise.

    1. We live in the city, but have lots of friends in the burbs. I would say early May to end of September (with the caveat that there may be some cold days in there on either end). You also could get some lucky warm days throughout October, but not reliably pool weather all month.

    2. Hi I don’t own a pool but my in-laws do out on Long Island. The pool is “open” usually end of April to end of September. I’d say it would be usable from May to Sept depending on your tolerance and willingness to heat it. My in-laws, god love them, are pretty Extra when it comes to yard care but it is a crazy expense for maintenance: probably tens of thousands of dollars each year for opening and closing it, cleaning, repair, heating costs, etc.

    3. June-early Sept if unheated; mid/late April- early October if heated.

       I grew up in Westport. We opened the (unheated) pool around Memorial Day and closed it the weekend after Labor Day. Friends with heated pools opened in April but only got to use on the few nice days before Memorial Day.

    4. I would research the cost of a pool service (because if you DIY it WILL get neglected and turn green) + increased homeowner’s insurance premiums + heating the pool so it’s actually usable. That should dissuade him really fast.

    5. I’m in Westchester and without an outdoor pool, but I can’t imagine there are too many houses on the market in Stamford/Greenwich with an outdoor pool, so maybe you will end up buying a house without a pool and just never get around to digging one in?

    6. We have a pool with a similar season, we love it and I don’t even really get in it but 3-4 times a year. It means we are outside all the time, everyone wants to come to my house. Lots of great memories with family and friends. We’re moving to a new house with my dream pool= salt pool, auto cover and heater. We have a robot, but the new pool has a built in cleaner which we’ll use till it dies, and then get another robot. the maintenance is not bad and I kind of enjoy it, the auto cover will make it 10 times easier too. The consensus among my pool-owner friends is that about every summer there’s a needed repair, and it’s always around $1,000. Not sure the costs for the heater yet, but water and electricity haven’t been bad.

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