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Weekend Open Thread

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dark green pants with a pintuck pleat running down the front

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Ooh: these sandwash pants from Sweaty Betty look great for lounge, workout, travel — maybe even business casual (extreeeeeme business casual). And they're on sale!

The green ones are marked down 35%, and down to just a few left — but the gray ones have lots of sizes left (but are only marked down 25%). You can find a lighter gray pair full price at SweatyBetty.com, and if you're lucky size XXS, you can get the green or a light brown pair 50% off.

(There's also a matching green hoodie if you like the matched set look, marked down 45%. And here's a matching half-zip in gray.)

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

240 Comments

  1. If you are a 30+ woman doing matching sets when you travel or lounge, how do you avoid feeling like you’re wearing a Juicy velour tracksuit from 25 years ago?

    2. I have no idea. I couldn’t help but stare at the woman ahead of me in line at the grocery store just now wearing a head to toe caramel-colored Champion sweat suit. She had on fashion sneakers and a crossbody belt bag, so it was clearly a look rather than “I’m all out of clean laundry.” I’d guess she was maybe 35. I think the answer is that if you think you’re trying too hard, you are.

    3. This is definitely what I think when I see this look (and not in a good way). Just don’t wear a matching set?

    4. I think they are the modern equivalent of a Juicy sweatsuit and just wear comfortable real clothes to travel. For cool weather I wear my stretchiest jeans, which are honestly as comfortable as sweats to me. For warm weather my current fave is JCrew’s Soleil linen pants with a lightweight tee, and wrap for warmth as needed.

    8. My matching sets are button downs with matching wide leg pants. They are the emotional equivalent of grey sweatpants or pajamas. My goal is comfort and knowing the pieces go together.

      My sweats are not matching sets. I wear black athleta pants with a colored poplex sweatshirt on planes.

    10. You either wear the matching set enough so that you get used to it and the association fades away, you decide you don’t care what it reminds you of, or you don’t wear it.

      I

    11. I only wear a matching set if it’s all black. But my go-to winter errand shoes are sequined Uggs so I’m not a paragon of good taste.

    12. I didn’t wear Juicy and I’m not wearing matching suits now, but I honestly don’t see them as the same thing! Like yes, they’re matching, but the styles are pretty different. I don’t think this is something to be concerned about if you want to wear the matching sweats.

      (Personally, I can’t get over my hangups about wearing sweatpants in public. I own exactly one pair of sweatpants, and I only wear them at home. Note that I’m not judging others who wear them, but I don’t look cute, just sloppy.)

      1. the OP meant it as an analogy. Like if you see a pic from 20 years ago when everyone is wearing those Juicy sweats, it is immediately dated to a very specific era. This is the same thing, just different proportions!

      2. I can’t wear sweatpants outside the house/yard (yard work only) either. That was drilled into me by both my parents as sloppy.

    13. Guys. A matching set is a sweatsuit with a fancy name. No issues with that; every generation reinvents old trends. I wore a matching set in middle school in the 1970s, turns out.

    14. I’m a 50+ woman skipping this trend. It’s cute on a 20 something but on me it’s Welcome to The Villages, here’s your free STD.

    15. I think the modern cut establishes that it’s not juicy. Also be sure not to wear the word “juicy” on the butt. :) I can’t personally make it look chic but that’s me. Chic athleisure eludes me.

    17. I don’t! My mom never let me have those and I felt I was missing out and love it now.

    18. Call it “the monochrome suit look, transposed to casual wear” and don’t forget your Zima

  2. I’ve heard you need to ask permission or clear working a second job when you work for a law firm – does that apply to everything?

    I’ve just moved to a new state 250 miles away from the office and I’d like to get involved in my new community. A local historic house museum is hiring costumed interpreters for the summer. The hours are 12-5 Saturday and Sunday. This would be purely social and fun for me; the fact that it pays $16/hour is beside the point.

    I’m a lawyer but in a JD-preferred position (think marketing). I rarely need to work weekends, but could still get work done if needed.

    There are no conflicts that I can see – we work in the financial sector; this local nonprofit doesn’t have any of our clients as its sponsors.

    If it’s outside of work hours and outside of our industry, is there any reason I can’t just do it?

    1. NAL but work in a regulatory role where we have clear policies about outside work. In my firm, the weekend job you describe would not be an issue but it would need to be disclosed; there are a few questions associated with the disclosure that are designed to confirm and document that there are no conflicts. We have a clear policy with procedures set forth for how to do all of this. Does your firm have anything similar?

    4. Just disclose it. Typically, there is a process for disclosing if you are on a board, or some other affiliation. Generally less paperwork than you think it will be.

    6. Just disclose it. Also if you really don’t care about the money, why not just volunteer? That wouldn’t have to be disclosed.

      1. please don’t volunteer and turn what used to be a paying job (for others who do need it) into something that then loses funding & becomes a volunteer-only opportunity.

        2. I didn’t mean volunteer for this specific job necessarily – just find some volunteer opportunity which will serve the goal of meeting people in the new place.

    7. Please check your company’s handbook. The policy that is in there will govern, and it’s almost certainly covered one way or another.

    9. I am a lawyer and at my job this has to be disclosed and you have to get permission from the boss and immediate supervisor, but for something like this it would be granted. If someone just did it without going through the process, they could get fired especially if they are probationary.

      1. Same where I work and I’m not a lawyer. You would get permission. Not telling is the bigger deal.

  3. I am realizing I may be overly sensitive in friendships and struggle with tolerating people messing up. I recently had a friend really overreact about something, to the point where she was “freaking out” with rage in her room after a minor miscommunication. She gave me the silent treatment after and then didn’t talk to me for two weeks. When we finally had a conversation to address the issue, the thing that she cited that I did wrong was such a non-event it was hard to understand. Basically, I had tried to set boundaries around my time, and she interpreted it as me “not trusting her to not try to take advantage of me.” I had texted “I can’t do XYZ,” but she recited it as me having texted “I can’t do XYZ, why would you ask me that? What’s wrong with you?” I told her it felt like she was projecting a ton onto what I had texted and making huge leaps about my intent, and then getting mad about that, when the actual content of my messages didn’t have anything offensive in them.

    We have other more difficult friends who’d communicate that way any day of the week. When I asked, “Why doesn’t it bother you when they do that, but for me it caused you to ‘freak out’ with rage and need to take two weeks of space?” She said it was a good question and didn’t have an answer for it.

    I am disturbed by this all and am having trouble letting it go. I grew up with a lot of anger in my home, so I know I am overly sensitive to other people being mad at me. But I also don’t ever treat people like that, so I’m not imposing standards on others I don’t impose on myself. I had another falling out with a different best friend 3ish years ago (her boyfriend wanted to sleep with me so I feel confident that one wasn’t my fault), so I worry that my sensitivity makes it hard for me to retain long-lasting friendships. But at the same time, I feel resentment and repulsion toward this friend. She apologized for overreacting but it bothers me she reacted that way in the first place.

    Has anyone else struggled with this? Like having overly strict standards and struggling to let things go? I have a loving fiancé I don’t really fight with, three really close best friends, parents I’m super close with, and a few casual friends, but don’t have huge extended social circles the way other people do and I have a smaller amount of friends than others too. Which makes me feel like the problem is with me.

    2. Can I ask why you seem to be taking this on yourself, as being “too sensitive”? Your friend sounds out of line, and from this it sounds like you don’t want to be treated like that, which is completely appropriate. Gently, I wonder if your assumption that you’re “too sensitive” is residue from growing up in an angry household.

      A fiance, three best friends, and a few casual friends sounds perfectly normal and lovely to me. Adult friendships can ebb and flow with circumstances: for example, I had a fairly big social circle when my kids were in preschool because the parents were around and we hung out during playdates, school activities, etc. But now that my kids are older many (not all) of those friends have dropped away.

    3. I think she sounds like a drama llama.

      The only part that may spark self-reflection is whether you actually DID think she was taking advantage of your time and you’re a bit annoyed she read between the lines and figured that out,? Your reference to “I’d tried to set boundaries” to me implies you had a problem with her asking too much of you.

    4. My personal feeling is that I don’t hang out with adults who act like petulant teenagers, which she seems to be. I unwittingly fell into a neighborhood group like that when my kids were little. They saw fault and blame in every little thing. It was exhausting and dumb and made me feel like I had re-entered high school. Who has time for that nonsense? Now we’ll politely acknowledge each other but no longer have any sort of friendship. It has been no great loss to my life, honestly. I have my people; I don’t need ALL the people.

    5. This isn’t answering your question per se, but I have had a lot of friendships like this because in general I’m a tolerant person who can take a little bit of crazy and drama with my friends. By the time I reached 30 though I realized that these friends were draining my energy, and stepped away from one close friendship and have tried not to get into more of these friendships.

      I guess I’m saying that it sounds like your friend is the one with the problem and you’re letting her drain your energy by thinking about this.

    6. Depends—what boundary was she trying to cross? Illegal drug use/late night club/whatever, or like watching her dog or borrowing $100 bucks?

      If it’s the latter, it can be awful to be in a vulnerable position and ask for help and get shut down.

      1. Yes, it’s hard to deal with rejection when asking for help but the normal thing to do is to say, oh okay and move on with your life. You may hold it against that person and decide not to do a big favor for them in the future, but you don’t fly into a rage and give them the silent treatment for 2 weeks. Part of being an adult is managing your feelings of rejection, hurt, frustration, etc. appropriately.

        1. I think rejection is more personal than that. There is no “normal” reaction. Maybe the silent treatment wasn’t to punish you, but her space to evaluate if you were really in her corner or if she could trust you as a close person in her life. Some people need to withdraw when making those determinations.

          People are different.

    7. FWIW, the silent treatment is a dealbreaker for me so I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. I’d let this friendship go.

    8. I don’t have dramatic friends because I choose not to. If someone wants to give me the silent treatment for 2 weeks that’s their choice. Mine is that we are no longer friends.

      1. This is kind of what I was thinking. Part of me was wondering if maybe my friendships just aren’t close enough that a friend’s emotions would become my problem or that we’d have some kind of meta-relational conflict? But mostly I’m just glad that everyone in my life seems to be on the same page about drama not being worth it. Or at least that we get enough drama from our parents anyway.

          1. I don’t know. I would much prefer a friend silently work through their emotions than try to talk me to death about them.

    10. I have never had a person who I consider a real friend yell at me or give me the silent treatment. Well, at least not since I was 9 years old. I am now 48. This is not normal friend behavior, and there’s nothing weird about you for not wanting to deal with it. Regardless of why you didn’t want to spend time with her, you’re not obligated to, and a normal adult friend would deal with you saying no barring major complicating circumstances (someone died, wedding, new baby, real personal crisis, etc.). It also sounds like you have a completely normal number of friends. You do not need to like everyone, truly, and you don’t need to have relationships littered with blow ups.

    12. DTMFA. she is insecure and the fact that her boyfriend wants to sleep with you means either she is not satisfying him or you are drop dead gorgeous. Since it is unlikely to be the latter, I suggest she is the one with issues, and you are the more normal one with the right body parts to satisfy the boyfriend. Don’t bother with him either.

  4. Which print/online news sources do you pay for? I’m interested in a variety, so also looking for any tips you have found to “bundle” news.

    1. The Economist, NYT and WSJ. The Economist is so well done, and offers fresh perspectives on many global issues – its cool, calm Britishness has been a lifeline in recent months. And they have so much content that they cover things I don’t see anywhere else. Even though I don’t have time to come close to reading it cover to cover, it’s easy to dip in and out and it always feels like a good use of time.

      The others…yes I have issues with how they cover certain things, but I also think it’s really important to support journalism, especially those outlets with the infrastructure and experience to cover wide ranging issues, that I’m keeping my subscriptions.

      1. Oh! I forgot because my husband holds the subscription (online-only), but also our local newspaper group. It’s fairly cheap and they cover hyperlocal news of interest to us. Also supporting local journalism, again

      3. I access my newspapers online via my local library membership. I read the FT, WSJ, WaPo, NYT, Economist, Atlantic, New Yorker and Foreign Affairs. I also pick through other publications that are available, using google translate to read it.

        I am not in a position to pay for access right now. I am so thankful for my local library.

    2. NYT, WaPo, three local papers in my state and a regular contribution to my local public radio station.

      1. The Atlantic, but also just found out that my library offers free subscriptions to publications like the NYT through their portal. I haven’t explored this yet, but you may want to check.

    5. I think if you want bundle, you should do Apple News.

      I just do NYT, Atlantic, New Yorker & Economist. Used to also have WP but cancelled in protest and gave my subscription $ to the Economist instead.

    6. I subscribe to NYTimes, New York Magazine, Slate, and the Atlanta Journal Constitution (my hometown paper). I also donate to Georgia Public Radio. These responses are making me want to try out the Economist though.

    7. NYT (will cancel soon bc have work access)
      WaPo (recently canceled but paid thru Nov 25)
      Slate
      The Atlantic
      Ha’aretz (will cancel soon)
      Local paper
      I get WSJ thru work
      Probably something else

    8. In addition to my local paper, WSJ, NYT, and Free Press. My dad gets the Economist in paper, and I often read it after he does.

    9. for newspapers, I get the NY Times, WaPo and LA times. For magazines I get Apple News+ (New Yorker, Atlantic, Smithsonian, etc) , the NY review of books via kindle unlimited (it has magazines too!), and various arts magazines digitally. Check out digital magazines from your library as well!

    11. NYT (as much for Games and Cooking as News)

      My local paper (costs more than NYT!)

      A local online news thing

      Vanity Fair

      I end up reading a lot of other sources for news but can usually get around paywall/get a gift link (I share gift links to NYT and local articles with a few friends and they gift link back)

  5. While we’re talking challenging friends, I have two that I want to vent about.

    Friend 1: No matter what her situation is, it’s always the best. When she had a powerful job, all she wanted to talk was career and she diverted every conversation into a discussion of her power and strategic mind. Now she’s been laid off from that job but she’s in a new relationship, and every conversation comes back to how her relationship is the best relationship that ever relationshipped. I find it so exhausting. She never shows any vulnerability or gets real; it’s always about how great she is. It’s making me want to hang out with her less, which I know is the answer to this because what else am I going to do?

    Friend 2: Is the sweetest person but has major anxiety and lets it get in the way of honest communication. When in person, she always talks about how she wants to get together in generalities, and then when she gets overwhelmed, she drops off the face of the earth and goes MIA instead of just following up with a quick text like, “Hey, it’s a crazy week. Don’t think I’ll be able to get together.” I think she would rather not disappoint someone so she stresses about it for a really long time, which is actually way more disappointing when someone isn’t open about what’s going on!

    1. Friend #1 sounds so exhausting! You probably know this, but she’s obviously insecure and trying to constantly assert her own worth as a defense mechanism. I find when people do this it’s so hard to connect, because you are always interacting with a series of defense mechanisms, but never with the real them. They also struggle to have perspective on situations that isn’t tinged with ego and anxiety, so it’s hard to level with them or get good insight. I would stop reaching out to hang out with this person.

      Friend #2 reminds me of myself, so take my insight with a grain of salt, but anxiety can be so hard to deal with and if she’s a good friend otherwise, I’d give her grace. Perhaps read between the lines that if she doesn’t respond to a text, you know she’s just overwhelmed and that it has nothing to do with you. But do not overextend or put more effort in than you receive, which is a recipe for resentment. Let her reach out to you and it should have a good equilibrium.

      Gosh, friendships are hard.

    2. I have a close family member who is like Friend 2. I text her and she doesn’t answer it, then when she reaches out she makes up every excuse about why she didn’t respond. Her phone is malfunctioning, she doesn’t know how to work her new phone, her toddler took her phone, her cat walked over her phone…she has come up with like 30 different excuses over the years, some plausible but it’s so frequent that there’s no way all those things happen every time I send a text. Her flakiness upsets the rest of my family and she has burned some bridges but I don’t get upset because I know where it comes from – she is overcoming past trauma and she has a stressful life as a twin mom with little support. I don’t know what your friend’s deal is, but for some people they get overwhelmed when responding to texts, or they can’t meet up because they are very anxious or depressed but they can’t articulate it. I’m not making excuses for your friend’s behavior, just explaining why we tolerate it.

    3. I’m definitely friend number 2. I’m so avoidant because I’ve been lashed out at for disappointing people before so I just freeze and don’t communicate at all. To be clear I know this is a me thing and very bad but it’s hard to break out of.

    4. I have been a version of Friend 1. It came from a deep insecurity about my career and relationship. I had maybe one friend who tolerated me. Once I started to become more vulnerable (wasn’t until my mid-thirties) I made way more friends.

    5. Ugh, I cannot deal with people like friend 2 for very long. They’re so, so flaky.

        1. Yep. And she’d be shocked that the brain chemistry thing settled down and I am happy now. 13 was hard!

    3. She’d be happy and proud. I grew up in a rural area where if women worked at all, it was always in jobs seen as “lesser” than the men’s. At 44, I am still really proud that I have a professional-level career and financially contribute to my household in a major way.

      She’d probably be amazed that I still love many of the things I did at 13: reading a good book, art, being outdoors, going swimming. She’d be shocked that I became a runner as an adult; that activity was considered pure torture in junior high!

      She would be surprised that I got married fairly young and happily had kids. 13-year-old me wasn’t so sure about the marriage-and-kids thing, mainly because of the examples I saw around me of women’s wants and needs always coming last.

      1. Oh, she’d probably be mildly dismayed that I haven’t written a book yet. But writing is a big part of my career, so I guess it worked out.

        And I still love the color purple and the ultimate snack combination of popcorn with M&Ms or Hot Tamales.

    5. She would be surprised that I became a lawyer instead of a scientist. And she would be shocked to find out that I think the best part about being a lawyer is brief writing because she hated to write. She would be surprised that I learned to embrace being tall and that I turned out to be decent looking.
      She would be happy to learn that I figured out a formula for having a lot of friends who I enjoy rather than having one best friend and no other friends. She would be happy that I stayed close to my parents and became adult friends with them. She would be absolutely stunned to learn that the brother who she constantly fought with became one of her best adult friends.
      I think she would be disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be a good cook who enjoys gardening and home design. Because 13 year old me loved when her monthly Martha Stewart magazine arrived.

      This is a great prompt. Thanks for putting it up.

    6. Disappointed, but only because my 13-year-old self was still full of somewhat irrational/fantastical dreams, hell bent on a career in politics and being the president. I think my 23 year old self, who was a tad more grounded, would be super proud.

      1. Haha, I have a somewhat reverse of this. 13 year old me would probably be very impressed with my life and career. 20 year old me would be very disappointed I am not and have not been Secretary of State.

    7. Ooh I love this question! I think she’d be proud of my professional achievements and so pleased that I’ve gotten responsible about taking care of myself. She’d be horrified at my taste in vegetables.

    8. I’m happy, but my 13 year old self would be horrified by my lack of career success and ambition.

    12. Heh I don’t think a 13-year-old has any frame of reference for a 66-year-old other than “oh, look at that old lady!” However, I often think 16-year-old me would be pretty chuffed at where I’ve landed.

    13. I think she’d be disappointed I never got married, she loved weddings. And she’d be shocked I still live in NJ. But other than that omg she’d be so excited with how things turned out.

        1. I let a minor personal setback turn into a major professional and personal setback (largely because I was unfamiliar with such things) and took my foot off the gas at a time when there were life-long consequences.

    15. 13 year old me would be devastated by my life. But 42 year old me is pretty happy.

    16. She would be super pleased. I was obsessed with spying and espionage and now I am (very unexpectedly) working in the intelligence field and I am like a little kid that pinches herself. I am being posted into a new job this summer but I was temporarily in the boss’s job for a year, got great travel and experience and had a ball. I also got the five kids I always dreamed of and have a pretty great life.

      1. Do you mind if I ask whether you have a law enforcement background? I am still early in my government career and occasionally dream of pursuing an intelligence career.

    17. Mixed.

      Judgy-disappointed that I wasn’t Secretary of State and had “settled” for a career in US politics. (International was far superior to domestic in my 13 year old mind.)

      Sympathetic and scared of the mental health challenges to come.

      Disapproving that I didn’t go to a prestigious school because I followed my HS boyfriend to his no-name college.

      Thrilled that mental health treatment finally allowed me to relax and make friends.

      Confused-curious why I do the minimum to do a good job and don’t spend all my time gettin’ after it and climbing ladders.

    18. I also wanted to be secretary of state. Why did we all choose secretary of state? Did Madeleine Albright have such a hold on us?

      2. She was incredibly inspirational. As a non lawyer, from a no lawyer family, I had no idea she was one. I would have become a lawyer, I wanted to be like her!

    19. “Wow I should have been more successful with my attempt then. The world really doesn’t want you”

    20. She would be amazed:
      1) I am alive
      2) I am happy
      3) I own 3000 books

      Or maybe this is more the 15 year old me than the 13 year old. I don’t think I was as future oriented at 13.

    21. I very much wanted to move to Hawaii.

      I never left my home state, for college or grad school, and as it stands, I’ll be here at least until my kids are launched.

      With climate change, winters here are more temperate, so i suppose it’s at least warmer than when I was a kid. I might eventually just di* here. Gosh I hope not. My 13yo self would be extremely disappointed.

      Also wanted to be a neurosurgeon. HAH.

    22. This is a cute question and it made me think. I don’t remember specific things about being 13 but I think I would like that I still had some of the same interests (swimming, reading) and be pretty surprised/impressed by my career. I didn’t have a focus for what I wanted to do, unlike all the Madeline Albrights here, but I think I would have liked this. I was mainly deeply unsure of myself at that age.

    23. Relieved that we made it through the darkness, shocked that we are no longer in a fundamentalist cult and are instead quite a happy and well-adjusted atheist, pleased to see how content we are and how well we have done for ourself.

    24. She’d probably think I was going to hell because I’m an atheist and she was a very sheltered kid in an evangelical family.

  7. My BIL is getting engaged this weekend to his gf who we absolutely adore. They are both great with my kids. They are 27 and live in nyc. It’s been almost 15 years since we got engaged and 13 since we lived in NYC – any fun engagement gift ideas?

    2. Champagne flutes from Tiffany are my go to with a nice bottle of champagne. It seems frivolous, but the blue box branding campaign seems to make everyone smile at getting something in a blue box.

    3. Ring dish for her. If you don’t mind waiting a few days you can find cute customized ones on Etsy.

      A high end bottle of booze and tell them that they should take a drink together on special occasions- engagement, wedding, buying a home, etc.

    4. Bottle of champagne is always nice (if they drink). Something from Tiffany is too. I also like the idea of a restaurant gift card with a nice note saying how happy you are. I don’t think you can go wrong here.

      1. +1 to restaurant gift card. I got my brother and then-fiancee one to a nice tasting menu at a fancier restaurant

    5. assuming they celebrate of course, Christmas ornament with their initials and the proposal date?

    7. If they live in nyc they probably don’t have a ton of space. I’d get them a nice bottle of champagne and a gift card to a local restaurant.

  8. I grew up with paralyzing social anxiety, but largely moved past it in college. I don’t think of it as afflicting me anymore, but realized yesterday that it does in some ways still (though much more subtly).

    I know a girl who goes to my gym, and we ran into each other. She knows SO many people at our gym, and seemingly just built a community there by being chatty with people. I have been going to this gym for years but don’t have a single friendship from it, which I think is probably normal, but I wish that I did! I realized I don’t really make eye contact with people, and just hurry from thing to thing. I also worry about group instructors trying to talk to me or feel anxious about them recognizing me from going to multiple classes. I’d love to be the type of person who just talks to people and builds community wherever I go. How does one start do get good at this? It feels totally foreign to me and I haven’t a clue how to start.

    1. I am like your friend! But I used to be exactly like you. Here’s what changed:

      1. Making eye contact is huge. I used to hurry through the halls at school looking down and then wonder why I never felt connected to anyone. Give people the opportunity to exchange a smile. Smiles lead to conversation and connection.

      2. Don’t hurry from thing to thing! Linger before or after class, even if it feels awkward. It’s in the lingering that you have the chance to chat. It might just start out with “I like your top” or “have you been coming to this class for a while?” but over time, if you go to the same place at the same time every week, those conversations will develop.

      3. Know that this can take MONTHS. Don’t expect it to happen after just a week or two, and don’t be hard on yourself if it doesn’t feel like anything is happening! These things take time. People don’t come every week. Sometimes you try to talk to someone who’s having a bad day and doesn’t want to engage.

      You can do it! There is no magic recipe. The people who seem to connect effortlessly and have a strong community have also felt awkward, rejected, or uncertain many times. They just never gave up. Good luck!

      1. Agree with this. And a way to non-awkwardly linger after class is to stretch for five minutes and/or slowly put your stuff away and make this kind of small talk where the mats and weights get stacked with whomever else is putting their stuff away.

    2. I start by casually just saying “hi” with a smile to whomever is on the spin bike or mat or whatever next to me. If the person seems friendly, I may say something like “I’m really looking forward to this workout today; Taylor is such a great instructor!” And see what the person says back. If the other person says nothing, no big deal. But the other person often starts engaging in conversation. If the latter happens, then, at the end of class, I’ll say “have a great day” or “have a great evening.” And “are you coming to her Friday morning class too? If so, see ya then!” Exchanges before and after class are super short and not awkward if the person doesn’t reciprocate. If they do, then keep it short in the beginning and repeat with maybe a little more the next time you see the person.

      I tend to go to the same bike/mat/whatever in each class, and I find other people do too. I am generally kinda shy and quiet. But taking this approach has led me to make several gym friends – I haven’t converted any to friends outside of the gym, but I know probably a dozen people who I see regularly at the gym and I enjoy chatting with.

      2. If your goal is just practicing social skills, you can start on “easy mode” aka talk to women

        Or – you can take the risk of guys thinking you’re hitting on them! and then, if they ask you out or flirt back or whatever, you can say no. It’s awkward and uncomfortable but not gonna kill you

        OP – something that helps me is thinking of how I feel when someone makes a social overture – like if chatty woman said to you “hey, great to see you again!” would you feel good/seen/welcome? Most people do, most of the time. So the risk of saying hi or making a little chitchat is pretty low

      3. I’m definitely not at all hot, which may be why I’ve never had this problem. I also talk to more women than men at the gym. And the demographic of my gym skews 20 years older than I am.

      4. I do this with women, trying to build friendships.

        I don’t do it with men, unless I was interested in the man, or we were in a group socializing.

    4. I am not great at this but my husband is that person so I get to benefit from it & am trying to emulate!

      1. He is great at (genuinely) complimenting people – usually what they’re wearing like shoes, graphic on a tee, etc.
      2. Super friendly and continues the conversation if they do. Like I might say “hi”, person responds “hi” in passing, that’s it. He’ll ask a follow up question & continue engaging if they do.
      3. he doesn’t get embarrassed about forgetting a name or the other person not remembering you (like my anxiety worries about!). “hey great to see you again! how was the workout today?” “hi again! So sorry I know we’ve met but I’m blanking on your name. I’m John.”

    5. I am just listening to an audiobook on this. It’s called “How to be yourself” by Ellen Hendriksen. Sounds cringe, but it’s actually quite good. Right now it’s on the topic of how to make connections stick and build community. (It’s really quite simple – it’s about proximity and frequency of interactions.)

  9. A little random, but this Sunday I have about three hours of free time in the morning in Boston. I’ll be near Boston University but am happy to go anywhere. Any suggestions what to do / where to do in that time frame?

    1. It’s going to be a little crisp so I’d take you to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. ADVANCE TIMED TICKET NEEDED, they’re still a little annoying with this.

      (if you are a walker – ) It’s a good 20 min walk from BU area, but you get to pass by Fenway Park, then through the Fens (the actual park greenway) and along the Emerald Necklace. so a good tourist walk.

      do a little research on the thefts beforehand so you know what you’re looking for (second floor, Dutch Room). there is also an OMGPHENOMENAL show right now by Fabiola Jean-Louis. IT IS STUNNING.
      then when you go home watch the Netflix documentary

      1. Oh, how sad…. The Gardner is timed tickets now? It is so lovely, and was my favorite place to hang out when I was in medical school around the corner. Perhaps it was less crowded then. I used to study in the indoor courtyard garden, have lunch in the cute tiny cafe, and see chamber music concerts in one of the halls. And I would pretend it was my Italian villa.

        Love it. My favorite place in Boston. Great rec.

    2. If you’re near BU, go to Tatte or Paris Cafe for crepes. Both excellent. The latter is a short T ride, the former is a quick walk.

      If it’s not too cold out, you could also go for a walk in the Public Garden and go to the Tatte in Beacon Hill, and then wander around Charles Street.

    3. I would go to Beacon Hill Books and Cafe and get a bite to eat there, browse the bookstore and the other antique stores on that street.

  10. I wrote a business book and I’m planning a launch party, and I’m struggling a bit with the overall vibe.

    I want it to feel serious, but also truly celebratory. My business brain immediately goes to making it a networking event or trying to get business sponsors and speakers, etc.

    But I have other opportunities for that, so I want this to definitely feel more celebratory than network-y. The initial draft of the invite list is a mix of personal friends and professional friends.

    But all the decorations, invitation designs, inspiration on Pinterest reads very bridal shower or engagement party. Even searches specifically for “book launch party” bring up personal memoirs or devotionals or cook books.

    Has anyone been to a party that strikes the right balance? The book jacket is navy and orange, so it already has a more “serious” color palate, in case that helps.

    1. Consider decorations that would be appropriate for a NYE party (minus the stuff with the year written on them): celebratory but not bridal.

      Maybe get those speciality cookies with your book’s cover on them?

    2. Find the LinkedIn or socials of other recent book authors’ parties to see what works. A few come to mind, like Abby Davison or Alison Fragale.

    3. congrats!
      do you have a venue yet? something like a modern restaurant space, vibey lounge? (or will it be in a bookstore?)

      going to post a separate l-nk but check out some of the designer options on paperless post. good inspo. I’d lean more business with the decor & celebratory with the vibe & menu so it doesn’t feel like a baby shower or bday party.

    4. Congrats on your publication!

      I’ve had book parties but for fiction. I have never had “decorations” other than a cake with the book cover printed on it and some fresh flowers on tables. Depending on what your venue is (I take it it’s not a bookstore?), I would argue you don’t really need any decorations other than something with the cover on it!

    5. OP here, thanks for these suggestions! The idea of an NYE party is helpful, since most of the parties I’ve thrown have been related to marriage, kids, or birthday parties.

      The venue is a general-purpose space with mid-tone wood floors and a small outdoor patio and large windows. It has two huge white walls that definitely need some kind of backdrop. One will have the table for book signing in front of it, and the other will probably have some kind of welcome signage.

  11. Please don’t be the parent who just called me to ask what her sophomore student should do if they don’t meet the prerequisite for a class they want to take.

    Signed,
    Exhausted in higher ed

    1. I did this some and just recognized that my grade might suffer. I do think I talked to the prof before just to get a manual override if needed. But my mom worked and had no time or inclination to helicopter.

    5. In higher ed administration and the reasons that I am exhausted right now are so much bigger than this.

    6. I have taken a ton of things without the prereqs, largely out of curiosity. This is what using your P/F option is for; otherwise, FAFO. I take the bro approach: required = preferred but not mandatory. It’s always been OK. Honestly, this is why parents and kids should read the damn handbooks — there is usually an answer there. And unless it is higher level engineering or involved with a professional license, required often doesn’t mean strictly required.

  12. Can you please share your sources for the comfiest work appropriate pants? After years of working from home, I’m not used to work clothes anymore! Also, my waistline gets bigger through the day and I have a tough time with high waisted pants. I want to feel like I can move and go up and down a few flights of stairs and my current work wardrobe feels so binding. So, any recs for work pants that look good but feel like yoga pants?

    3. I know everyone hates Amazon, but the HeyMoments wide leg pants come in a million colors, they have pockets, and they’re very comfortable. They have a paperbag waist with a fabric belt.

      The Old Navy Playa pants have a flat front but stretchy back, and they come in solid colors.

      Both of these options are meant to sit at the natural waist, but the stretchy waist band means they aren’t constricting, and the wide-leg gives plenty of space and movement through the hips and thighs for sitting, climbing stairs, etc.

    4. How work appropriate do you need to be? Is your office casual end of biz casual? Super formal?

    6. I wear Athleta Endless pants nearly everyday to the office, with untucked shirt and blazer, cardigan, etc. Comfy, forgiving waist, and work well for me.

    7. My sympathies, OP! I also cannot tolerate high-waisted pants anymore. All of the styles posted here are very cute, but they are also all high-waisted. I’ve had my best luck with a pair from Me & Em that have a fold over waist. I think it’s called the Palazzo Pant. Rag & Bone also has some lower rise denim that is pretty easy to wear. Marine Layer also has some business-casual pants with a lower elastic waist, I think the Alison pant? Good luck — I can’t wait for the pendulum to swing away from all the high waists.

    8. Eileen Fisher stretch crepe! I have both a straight leg and a wide leg pair. Wear them with sweaters to hide the elastic waist.

  13. Help me shop? My kids’ school is hosting a “casino night” themed party. Sit down dinner, various gambling activities, live music on a Saturday night. What would you wear? I could do a standard midi dress with boots, but I’ve lost some weight recently and am feeling excited to try something fresher.

  14. What have you done lately that made you feel courageous?

    Or for those on the other side of the fence, what are you trying to convince yourself you’re courageous enough to do?

    1. This might not feel courageous to others, but I turned down multiple jobs to wait for something better, even though I was going broke in the job I had. I found the right job and jumped at it, so the risk was worth it.

    2. My firm provides 2-3 ethics CLEs per year to internal attorneys. I was asked to cover an hour on attorney wellbeing. Over half of the senior male partners at my firm attended in person. I spent six full minutes discussing menstrual cycles, pregnancy complications, cramps, abortion, cysts, endo,
      etc. (and of course relevant regs/ethics rules/our firm policies re: same). I grew up in a farming house with many men. I never thought I would say any of those words aloud in my life, let alone at work. But I did, and two of them even thanked me.

      1. Ha! I was once saddled with discrimination training as an associate. I did 50 minutes of hard stats on the lack of participation in law firm leadership of women and minorities in the various states where we had offices.

    3. Courage = camping and short backpacking trips. Not going to do longer backpacking except something like a Camino if I am a healthy retiree.

      1. Rocking it! Camping is definitely one of those things that felt so scary to me at first; and still makes me feel like bada** now!

  15. Looking for suggestions on dealing with the cognitive dissonance at work. I work for a privately funded institute in a very niche subject area. Our visitors are all experts in this niche area. We all go about our day catering to said visitors and also pretending like all is great. Internally, we sometimes vent a bit behind the scenes, but in general, all of this acting like everything is normal, and “nothing to see here” is really wearing me down. A lot of both staff/visitors are actually doing fine/not at risk/have worked in the place for years so very secure and perhaps feel less affected. But, for some us who are newer to the niche, and/or have less of a heads-down approach, we are feeling very affected…it’s jarring and exhausting to pretend every day. I am getting depressed to be honest and my work feels meaningless. (The niche subject will not solve any of the world’s problems). This can’t be the only workplace operating like this so interested to hear how you all deal with this. (And yes, work is busy/distracting for some of the time).

    1. Sorry, can you clarify what the issue is? It sounds difficult, but I’m not sure I understand it from what you’ve written here.

      1. How to handle the fake positivity while the world burns… head in sand approach is getting to me. Thanks.

        1. If “while the world burns” means your niche or funding is likely tied to the federal government, honestly the “keep moving forward” approach is the most likely to get you through this. Maybe your colleagues aren’t talking about it because they don’t want your institute to be known as a locus of opposition

          If you mean more broadly “all the bad stuff in the world”, this is tough, but realistically just something you have to deal with. There’s always something burning, it just happens to be us right now. For coping, is there a ritual or something you can do to switch into and out of your “work persona”?

          1. We are not fed.
            I meant all the things in this country right now.
            Especially in education both higher and secondary. But all of it really.

          2. Oh. Well, all of us are dealing with that. The point is to emotionally destabilize you. So don’t let it. Keep calm and carry on.

        2. Can you stop being so vague? If you want advice you need to tell us what the actual issues are.

          1. I think I’ve explained it well. Be happy, ignore the dismantling of democracy. Pretend our work is important!
            How to do daily work and keep going with false positivity….

          3. I mean, no, you haven’t explained at all why current events affect you and other newer people at work and not people who have been there longer.

    2. I’m not dealing well. I’m getting the message loud and clear to keep moving forward! Keep working! Meanwhile, federal policies under this administration are rapidly changing my field for the worse. I can’t keep putting on a happy face and pretending like things are fine.

      1. Right there with you. I’m
        the OP Anon. We are not tied to the fed at all, but it’s the message to just keep doing what we’re doing that is hard to square.

    3. Another framing that might help: what’s in your sphere of control – things you can do directly? What’s in your sphere of influence – things you can affect but not unilaterally? and what’s outside of your influence?

      Spend 70% of your energy worrying about stuff you control, 29% on stuff you can influence, and only 1% on what you can’t (I find it too hard to get that last category to 0!)

      Finally, if you’re struggling to cope, it’s ok to look for professional help. It doesn’t mean what you’re worried about “isn’t real” — just that you’re struggling with something hard, and need some more tools in your toolbox

    4. What are you doing right now that makes the world a better place that you can control? Vote at your local elections this April 1st and read about the candidates before hand, donate to the media/legal/sector nonprofits that are meaningful to you, march, call your reps constantly, join League of Women Voters, volunteer locally.

  16. I need a reality check. I’m successful but unhappy in my current job and looking to move laterally. I’ve been with my company, growing in various roles for over a decade. This role I’ve had for the past two years is under hands down my worst boss ever and is in the worst client-driven environment for growth and learning. I’ve also been working more hours and been more stressed than ever. My youngest is a toddler and I have a multitude of other family obligations, so I am just squeezed out every day and barely holding it together. Here is my question: does it even make sense to think about a lateral move or are all senior jobs like this? Or should I think about taking a step back in my career? How can I find out if where I’m applying is a pressure cooker? I feel like I’m lacking enthusiasm when interviewing for senior roles and the interviewer tells me about their backlog and how nothing works as designed, which in turn hinders my chances of getting the job. All I hear is endless eveninings and never seeing my kids. Historically, I am very good at bringing order to chaos and improving existing systems even when they stink. I should be excited they have such solvable problems but instead I’m just put off. Any suggestions from someone who’s been in this place?

    1. I don’t know but I could have written this post and in particular I have the same question: “are all senior jobs like this?”. I am a VP with dreams of getting to the SVP level and lately I’ve just been wondering if it’s possible with young kids and a spouse with an equally demanding career.

    2. Don’t apply. Just network and have lunches and find out about how places actually are and where the soft openings are and then apply. A couple lunches or meet ups a week is better than having to go through this more than once.

      1. It would be very weird and noticeable to disappear for a couple of networking lunches or coffees a week, ime. I’m not sure you could pull this off without getting found out as job-searching

        1. Not at my job. RTO that is spotty and choose-your-days has made schedules and reasons for not being at your desk very murky. Could you not just as likely eat with friends or meet up after work or go in a date?

        2. Yeah same at my office fwiw – maybe this is industry specific but no one would blink if I’m not at my desk for an hour – if at lunch, maybe I went for a walk, if in the the middle of the day, maybe I popped over to the other building for a meeting or something. Unless you typically need to tell someone when you’re stepping away for that kind of thing, you can get away with a few networking lunches

  17. I wonder what happened with the poster from last week who balked at going to the ER when her doctor told her to go.

    1. That was wild to me. The sad thing is when someone has that level of arrogance, they won’t change their opinion about something until they experience something truly awful.

      I’m alive today because a doctor took my anemia more seriously than I did (she had to push a bit for me to get a colonoscopy—turns out I had colon cancer at stage 2 heading rapidly to stage 3 despite no other symptoms and no family history or risk factors). So many assumptions she was making about sinister motives when it sounds like they were just trying to steer her to a setting that would be able to provide sudden cardiac care if the need happened. That’s not a primary or even urgent care setting.

    2. I went! I spent 5 hours in a chaotic room getting poked and prodded and tested and I was diagnosed with . . . aches and pains of pregnancy by a very bored ER doc who explained how none of my symptoms were concerning and sounded exactly like musculoskeletal pain common in pregnancy. And if my midwife had taken the time to speak to me instead of sending a portal message and explained all of that and said she would still like me to go to rule out anything worse, I would have been less resistant. As it is, I just concluded I was absolutely right that I know my body and it was a wild waste of time.

      1. I’m glad you went. I’m sorry it was annoying to you. I am rejoicing that it was confirmed as nothing and also that the doctor was bored. That is the best possible scenario for you, your baby, and the ER doctor.

      2. Keep concluding away. Thats the attitude that’s going to come back and bite you someday.

        1. Literally why do you care? I was just updating someone who seemed concerned and I did what y’all told me. But sure, check in on a Saturday to be nasty and tell yourself I’m the one with a problem.

      3. The poking, prodding, and testing was how they excluded dangerous potential diagnoses. At that point the symptoms weren’t concerning. If they were never concerning they wouldn’t have done those tests.

      4. You are a perfect candidate to go to a concierge doctor.

        Good luck to you, and your baby.

  18. Longaberger baskets bare they a thing anymore? I have gobs that were my mom’s. I can try to use some as holders of things but it’s not something I would have bought for myself. Is it very 1995?

    2. If you do a search you can find multiple articles on which ones are valuable. Antiquesknowhow, etc.

    3. a few as useful baskets? sure. Most of them? should stay on top of the upper cabinets in a mid-90s kitchen, nestled among fake ivy, where they belong.

      1. But only if the kitchen is burgundy and teal. And the cabinets are honey oak. Bonus for any sponge painting.

    4. Haha I just remember that their headquarters was a big building that looked like a giant basket: https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=c29d84b229fa45c6&rlz=1C1ONGR_enUS1033US1033&sxsrf=AHTn8zrxVik8GLXqRMMYz7C0ptTCW4AT0w:1742662876139&q=longaberger+baskets+headquarters&udm=2&fbs=ABzOT_CWdhQLP1FcmU5B0fn3xuWpA-dk4wpBWOGsoR7DG5zJBsxayPSIAqObp_AgjkUGqekj1mGS-A4nDctosF_Gur5VoaSSDiQdp0izHNe8zXpjE-Q7NS7CVxUP2L1tWnYvyCC7JnbZaN0MaCm7lZuuEYwxE2Ba_AxB3cFN0WOE2K93D5fuyks2Dog0kF_3nxR250pzlw7baaL6E3woFqJv59DqDVKgOw&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwitg8iNlZ6MAxV0IUQIHayQHB0QtKgLegQIDxAB&biw=1745&bih=828&dpr=2.2#vhid=ndE4gIjv6L3EAM&vssid=mosaic

    5. If you have the two-piece basket, I covet it. Perfect for transporting desserts and I am a big baker.

    1. Cute dress. The sleeves might be hard with a jacket. I’d probably do a lightweight scarf that can be worn as a shawl.

    2. A cropped white cardigan would be cute. I generally don’t like scarves or shawls or anything like that, but that’s just me.

    3. Those sleeves will be stiff and awkward under a cardigan, but the dress is too rufflepuff to match the vibe of a structured jacket. I’d go with a wrap.

      1. OP here – I appreciate the comments. FYI the sleeves are very light and flowy. I know it’s hard to tell from a photo. I’m not a fan of wraps because they tend to move around….just personal preference.

        1. Check out white house black market. They have quite a few spring-weight cropped jackets in semi-casual styles. One of them might hit the mix you’re looking for.

          I might also look for a denim-style jacket — meaning, cut like one, but in a white or light blue linen fabric. Or some other cropped jacket made out of linen.

    6. I would try a white denim jacket. The jacket would nicely offset the sweetness of the dress, and would work over the ruffle sleeves. A cardigan would not pull smoothly over the sleeves. and maybe cognac accessories.

  20. Remembering why I was avoiding this task — my first big closet cleanout since Covid. I used to clean out my closet every spring as sort of a renewal process, but I haven’t done that since 2020. My wardrobe needs have changed a lot since then since I WFH most days now, instead of the 2x a week before Covid. I spent 10 hours yesterday with very few breaks, and was up and at it early this morning. I still have a ways to go. I have a charity pick up arranged for Thursday, and an appointment to drop off suits at a place that helps women interview on Wednesday afternoon, and a box of things that need to be taken to the tailor. I’ve found a few gems that I can start wearing again now that I’ve dug them out of the overpacked shelves. But good lord, it’s a load of work.

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