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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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Sadly Not Pregnant
Have been TTC for two months since a miscarriage last year. Was hoping this month I would be pg but just got my p*riod. Feeling like a giant failure. If anyone has encouraging experiences, I would be so grateful to hear them.
KT
I don’t have any experience with this, just wanted to say I’m sorry and hugs.
Anonymous
Nope. A) you can’t do anything to get pregnant beyond procure sperm, so you haven’t failed. B) there is a reason 2 months is not when doctors tell you to start worrying.
Anon4This
I’m multiple months into fertility diagnosis/treatments. I feel like a pin cushion; like a science experiment. It is miserable and I wonder at times if it’s worth it, while deep down I know it is. No advice; but you’re not alone. Wishing you the best.
JayJay
Hugs. Be kind to yourself. I went through a hard miscarriage, several chemical pregnancies, and it took (all told) roughly two years of trying before my pregnancy stuck. A good friend of mine whose wife went through something similar wrote me a note after my miscarriage, and reminded me that, while everyone loves their children, only those who have experienced loss truly understand the depth of that love and how special it is. That resonated with me. I know have two wonderful kids from two relatively uneventful pregnancies (and one was unplanned!). It was all worth it.
Hugs again.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry for your loss and current struggles. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but it’s great that you were able to get pregnant and it will almost certainly happen again and probably fairly soon. It may not feel that way because of the emotional impact of your loss, but you’re way ahead, so to speak, of people who have been TTC and simply can’t get pregnant.
Emmer
Exactly. DH and I tried for over a year before I finally got pregnant (after medication). That was emotionally hard on us, but I still recognize that it’s nothing compared to people who have to do IVF. I’m also very sorry for your loss, but if you got pregnant once it’s very likely that it will happen again, and soon. Two months is nothing.
ELL
I know this was said in kindness and generosity. But I am in an infant loss and pregnancy loss support group, and the message I have gotten there from women who have experienced miscarriages and from the mental health professionals running the group is that being told some version of “at least you can get pregnant” can be really unhelpful or hurtful. I’m sure the reaction varies from person to person, but I’ve decided on that basis never to say something like that. (I haven’t had a miscarriage myself.) Not trying to be rude–just sharing what I’ve heard.
Leatty
This is very true. My doctors told me that women are more fertile and likely to get pregnant in the 3 months after they miscarry. I got my hopes up and they were brutally crushed when that didn’t happen (and still hasnt happened). I have friends who were able to get pregnant immediately after miscarriages, so this advice was great for them, but it can be (and was) very hurtful for me.
Anonymous
This. Especially for women who have suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss, the problem isn’t getting pregnant, it’s staying pregnant. Knowing you can get pregnant doesn’t mean you will be able to carry a healthy baby to term, and in some ways getting pregnant only to miscarry can feel worse than not getting pregnant at all. Even worse is the feeling that your body is destroying otherwise healthy embryos.
CountC
I’m so sorry. Hugs.
I posted a while ago about my best friend who was having fertility issues and had a miscarriage. I am happy to report that she is 5 weeks pregnant. She skipped a shot due to travel and that was the weekend they got pregnant! They are trying not to get too excited at this point, but I am really happy for them.
snowy
hugs. I’m onto IVF after about 19 months of trying (including doing just meds first). It’s a long, tough road. No words of wisdom, just commiseration.
Leatty
I’m sorry. I had a miscarriage five months ago, and haven’t been able to get pregnant since then. It’s hard to not blame yourself or feel like a failure, but you have to remind yourself that you arent. It’s hard for high powered successful women to not have control, and this is definitely one of those situations where you don’t have control over much. Sometimes I am able to reframe it in my mind by focusing on the things I can do since I’m not pregnant (wine!sushi! All The Cheeses!). Other times, I’m a mess.
Anon
A few years ago Emily Bazelon and Dalia Lithwick wrote a series of letters to each other about their miscarriages. It was really helpful for me when I was in your shoes.
Anon for this
I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes. It is a terrible and lonely feeling. It is amazing how many professional women struggle with this in silence. We tried for years before resorting to medicine, which I had a horrible reaction to. Two months after the medicine (and right before we were set to do IUI) I finally got pregnant only to be told that it was an interstitial ectopic pregnancy- after two earlier ultrasounds saying everything was fine. (In fairness, that type of ectopic is difficult to diagnose.) After two rounds of methotrexate didn’t work I had surgery which likely saved my life but cost me one tube and a portion of my uterus. The loss of that baby nearly did me and my marriage in.
Fast forward 3 1/2 years later and we now have two beautiful healthy children and a wonderful marriage. But I still think about the baby that we lost. It gets easier but that is impossible to see from where you are standing. Know that you are not alone. Hugs
Anon
My nephew was conceived after his mom had 3 miscarriages. He just turned 4 and loves the Star Wars costume we got him for his birthday so much that he’s worn it night and day since Sunday. Gorgeous, magical kid.
It’s hard right now, but it will get better. You won’t look back and laugh, but you will look back and be grateful that it did eventually work out. Hugs.
Statia
First pregnancy found out I was pregnant with spontaneous twins. Lost a perfectly healthy boy and girl at 20 weeks due to preterm labor. It happened the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday :/) 2014. Couldn’t get pregnant again. Went to reproductive endocrinologist and started on all kinds of drugs and shots. Didn’t work the first couple of months. We started thinking about IUI and IVF.
I started reading the book Woman Code and started doing acupuncture. Totally not my “normal” thing. Started immersing myself in decadent self-care and tried (although it’s difficult and almost an impossible task) not to obsess over my cycle and getting pregnant.
Found out day after Thanksgiving – Black Friday 2015 – we were pregnant. I’m just shy of 38 weeks now.
I found that sitting in the waiting room of the reproductive endocrinologist’s office was a silent, moving experience for me. I looked at the women around me and knew each and every one of them had a story. I wondered about their losses, their triumphs, their tears, their joy. I knew we were somehow bonded invisibly by this thread of loss and hope.
I spent many days in a silent rage over friends who would go out, party, and magically get pregnant. Or the woman who would complain about her swollen ankles and stretch marks while proudly carrying a nearly-term baby. It’s true – loss and the desire to have a baby makes the experience so precious and resonant.
I have no advice. Just that there are women out there who have been in your shoes, recognize your pain, are rooting for you. Take care of yourself; be gentle with yourself. You’re not alone.
Anonymous
Thank you for posting this. I have been TTC for a year. It’s been very difficult. First IUI treatment in about two weeks.
lucy stone
I had a miscarriage in the early second trimester last spring due to a chromosomal abnormality. I am currently nine months pregnant with what appears to be a healthy, normal little girl. It took me a long time to conceive the first pregnancy and about four months of trying to conceive the second. That said, those months were agonizingly long and I cried over every negative pregnancy test. I hope you get your positive test soon.
Indy
Sadly, please forgive me for adding this to your threat. I am so sorry for your loss and and your current struggle. I do not mean to take anything away from it.
I am just struck by how many women here have experienced miscarriage. Can you imagine how that pain would be affected if your state’s laws mandated that you personally retain any tissue that required removal and hold funeral services? That is what Mike Pence tried to do in Indiana before the federal courts intervened. And yes, it was a law primarily targeted at abortion, but no, it did not make any exception for any other kind if fetal tissue including miscarriage and stillbirth.
Anon
Yeah, not the place for politics. Chill. Terrible policy, but /really/ misplaced.
2 Cents
*Hugs* to you and be kind to yourself. Do something nice just for you and don’t feel guilty about it!
ELL
I’m sorry for your miscarriage, and I’m sorry you’re not pregnant yet. You are definitely not a failure. But I know it’s all very hard.
Oil in Houston
It might be late in the day, but I had to share. I had a m/c myself, and it was heartbreaking, I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant, so didn’t tell anyone (apart from husband of course) that I had lost the baby, and it was Xmas time so everyone was jolly and all I wanted to do was cry. I thankfully had an amazing doctor, and she did a bunch of test and realized I had a folic acid deficiency, apparently it’s very common. She recommended giving my body a few months to heal, and when I tried again a few months later, I was pregnant in less than 6 months. I now have a beautiful baby girl. Each one of those months was painful, and stressful though, so I fully relate.
My point is, don’t despair. do try to have fun things to look forward to around the time your period is due, I did find that it helped me too.
good luck
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. Big hugs.
I had an ectopic pregnancy summer after an injectable + IUI cycle. It was one of the darkest, most devastating times in my life. We hadn’t told anyone we were TTC, but eventually I started opening up to friends about the pregnancy loss. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
It’s hard to believe that last summer I was waiting the required 3 months after methotrexate to TTC again, and this summer I’m 27 weeks with twins after our first IVF cycle. As excited I am about our twins, I can honestly say that I think about being pregnant less during each day than I thought about trying to get pregnant. It gets better.
Anonymous
I had a miscarriage, but two years later did have a baby. She’s a sophomore in college now. We were lucky enough to have another daughter as well. They’re the best things in my life. I wish you luck and hope you become pregnant soon.
Appropriate dress?
Poll: cream colored halter dress with red, pink and green floral pattern. Link to follow. Ok for bridal brunch? Thanks very much in advance!
Appropriate dress?
http://www.joie.com/valletta-silk-printed-dress-porcelain
First Year Anon
Probably? But I would still steer clear since it’s a lot of white. I hate feeling awkward in my outfit which would happen even if I thought I wasn’t violating any wedding rules.
KT
Egggghhhh it’s a lot of cream/white for me to wear to someone else’s bridal brunch
Anonymous
A bridal f-ing brunch is not a thing to which a bride and only a bride wears white. Gimme a break.
KT
To each their own. If someone feels comfortable rocking that dress, power to them. I just know I would feel awkward wearing a very-cream dress to a bridal function.
Anonymous
+1
It’s a floral dress. It’s not a big white ballgown with a veil.
Anonattorney
100% agree with this. I hate these stupid rules.
nutella
Yeah, I agree. You don’t get to own the color white in any form for your entire engagement, but I have also decidedly not worn white to bridal functions as a guest because I (begrudgingly) think ‘ugh, she might be upset, I guess I won’t.”
I’m a bride now and I wish I could tell people they can wear whatever color they want to any event. So long as you don’t marry my groom, it’s cool with me.
Anonymous
I don’t think it would be some HUGE breach of etiquette to wear this dress but it’s not something I would wear personally because, at least in my social circles, the bride often wears a dress that looks a lot like this to wedding events. And OP asked for input, so she clearly has her own doubts about the appropriateness. I think “if you have to ask if it’s appropriate, you shouldn’t wear it” is a good general rule, whether you’re talking about clothes for the office or for a wedding.
Senior Attorney
I’m a bride (an ancient bride, but a bride) and I wouldn’t care if someone wore that to my bridal brunch. But I wouldn’t wear it to someone else’s bridal brunch. I tend to follow “if you have to ask, wear something else.”
Diana Barry
+1, I would pick a different dress. Why bother worrying or having other people judge you (which THEY WILL)?
Whiskeypalian
I really love the darker version. I am pretty pale and need some sort of contrast against my skin (so white is OK, but off-white is horrible).
Senior Attorney
Ooh, yes! The navy one is gorgeous!
Lobbyist
Yes.
Anonymama
That dress is so pretty! The blue is gorgeous too. I think it’s fine to wear, unless the bride is someone who would care about stuff like that, then I probably wouldn’t. Or at least wear a colored cardigan over it.
Appropriate dress?
Edit: I am a guest, not the bride.
Anonymous
Totally fine for a bridal brunch.
Anonymous
Pretty dress, but I wouldn’t wear it for a bridal brunch. It feels kind of bridal to me.
Anonymous
Omg people. You can’t wear white to a WEDDING. That is it. This is a gorgeous dress, if your budget runs to it enjoy.
Emmer
+1
AttiredAttorney
I think this is something that has changed in recent years. It used to be the bride wore white to the wedding only and then lots of beautiful sundresses in any color to the showers, rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids luncheon, etc, but sometime in the last five years brides now wear a variety of WHITE dresses to all pre-wedding functions in my large southeastern city. Thus, I might assume that the rule about guests not wearing white/majority white outfits to any of these functions might also extend past the wedding to the wedding associated parties as well.
For me personally, I think the dress is cute, but I would wear a brightly colored cardigan over it.
Anonymous
NOPE. Sorry, brides, your obsessive need to be instaworthy and bridal identified for a year doesn’t get you ownership of white. Lean the f out of even more absurd rules about what women can and can’t do.
Never too many shoes
+ 1Million
Anon
If you have to ask, the answer is no. Of course it’s silly, but what about this bride, this brunch is making you hesitate? Is it worth potential hassle? Listen to yourself.
Brunette Elle Woods
No, I’m sure you have other beautiful dresses you can wear.
lawsuited
Is the spirit or effect of wearing this dress upstaging the bride at her own event? If not, then you’re within the spirit of the rule against wearing white to a wedding, and it’s fine to wear the dress.
Appropriate dress?
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the perspectives. I agree that it’s ridiculous that any semblance of white is out of place at any wedding-related event. (When I got married, I couldn’t have cared less what people wore to my wedding — that was the last thing on my mind). But if even a small percentage of people are likely find this dress inappropriate, then it’s a no-go.
Back to the drawing board … I really wish I didn’t own so many white dresses.
Care
I thought this article was interesting and worth sharing/discussing, but it’s not something I can share on my personal pages (without appearing to criticize my own father). This has been my experience with family and friends, but I’m realizing that it also is my experience with the men I work with. My favorite line: “Even today, many men find themselves newly appalled at sexism after having a girl, a reaction apparently not stoked by being born of a woman, married to a woman or simply seeing women as human.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/opinion/campaign-stops/why-men-want-to-marry-melanias-and-raise-ivankas.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-left-region®ion=opinion-c-col-left-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-left-region
First Year Anon
I can see that. Now to get them to realize how hypocritical their position is…
Anonymous
Thanks for linking, great article. Trump makes me want to puke with feminist rage.
MJ
+1
Anonymous
Is it bad that I knew what this article was from the first line of your comment? And yeah, this totally resonates with me and I even see it in my dad. I wouldn’t say he wanted to marry a “Melania” since my mom worked outside the home (in a Big Career no less) and he was proud of her, but he wasn’t supportive in the way I would expect my husband to be (or in the way HE would expect my husband to be for that matter!) He left almost all the childcare and household chores that weren’t outsourced to my mom and was fine having just an hour or two of “dad-daughter time” a week. He would probably be hurt and horrified if I told him I saw him in this article, but I do see a clear difference in how he treated my mom vs how he expects me to be treated by my husband.
Care
I’ve always been proud of how my sisters and I shaped my father’s views and made him more feminist, but this article really opened my eyes to the fact that he should have been before. I see a clear difference too. I hope that if my dad were to do it again, there wouldn’t be a difference in treatment. I also wish I knew how to make it even more clear to DH that this isn’t acceptable to me. I don’t think DH thinks or acts this way, but I also worry about how quickly I shoulder more of the load without thinking about it and that I may enable (or encourage) this result.
Anonymous
I cut my dad some slack here. He was born during WW2. On a farm. Of course his mother worked — everyone on a farm works. But the man never did laundry in college (or, probably, ever except when deployed). He has daughters, not sons. I work. Where he now, 76 years later, is not where he started. In so many ways.
He says I amaze him. But he amazes me, too.
My mother: she is a Melania, an Ivanka, a Tim Gunn, a Julia Child, and a Norma Rae. My parents are a testament to each other. They have been together since high school.
Moonstone
This is the sweetest comment I have ever seen on this board. Thanks for posting.
bridget
Ugh. I wanted to like this article, having seen the effects of this so much, but ugh.
It wasn’t an article about how men relate to women after having daughters; it was an anti-Trump piece. Now, I am #NeverTrump, but we can actually discuss women’s issues without shoehorning them into hit pieces… right?
Perhaps Filipovic could explain *why* men do this, without resorting to thoughtless cries of sexism.
When someone gets married, they are looking for a life partner, someone they can live with every day, sleep with on a regular basis, and divide the work of running a home. The latter includes bringing in money, raising the kids, keeping the house clean, etc.
Parents want their children to not want for anything, and it probably makes a parent feel more secure if that kid could earn it himself or herself, rather than relying on someone else to provide.
I also wish Filipovic had not dismissed Mrs. Trump’s career, and dearly wished she had acknowledged that maybe being married to a real estate mogul is a bit different than being married to a middle manager or plumber. As in, a spouse whose job takes him all over the world will necessarily do a lot less housework and will likely have a more traditional marriage.
(That is precisely the reason I would never want to marry a man with Trump’s profile: reality is that your career ends up being Mrs. Him.)
Anonymous
Also, I have found that some men really like to date hot women, but they often don’t marry them. Now that I have children, I am constantly amazed at how many men that I would give at least a 7 in the looks department are married to really nice and down-to-earth women (not all, but the vast majority). My thinking is that as they got older and looked for a good wife, mother, and partner, they realized that some women may be so high maintenance and non-nurturing and into themselves that they might be good arm candy and not good for much more.
I do know some guys shelling out for a nanny for their kids so the SAHM mom can do a lot of yoga and maintain her pinterest boards and shop, but it’s rarer than I would have expected. [I live in a ‘hood like McLean / Buckhead.]
January
Hey, who says “nice and down-to-earth” excludes being at least a 7 in the looks department?
sol
Wait are you saying the “really nice down to earth women” are mutually exclusive of hot women?!
Anonymous
You’ve frequently supported trump on this page
bridget
No, I haven’t. Nice try.
anonymous
I’m no fan of bridet’s but she’s been a consistent Trump opponent.
sighsssss
Bridget, an opinion piece is not a research paper. She does not need to explain *why* men do that. She can opine on a research study’s surprising findings (offered by the Shriver Institute). The contrast between Melania and Ivanka and his attitudes towards each is notable and interesting. That’s why she opines on them.
His line of work is not the explanation or magic wand you think it is. Through my job and my fiance’s job, I have met many different people of many different backgrounds with one thing in common: extreme wealth. I was surprised, and perhaps you would be too, at how many of them are still in their ‘first marriage’ 40 years later, how many of them were involved in their children’s lives and now grandchildren’s, and how many of them married spouses that had their own careers and interests. All of this while traveling the world and building busineess into multi-million- and multi-billion-dollar companies. In fact, she points to the difference between the Clintons’ marriage and even Ivanka’s as a contrast — BOTH not traditional in two highly educated and successful spouses.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think that’s exactly the point of the article. That many men say “a man with a career like Trump’s needs a stay at home wife” but they want their daughters to have their own careers even if they marry similarly high-powered men. It’s not about having different expectations for the spouse of a real estate mogul vs. the spouse of a middle manager. It’s about having different expectations for your spouse than for you daughter.
bridget
How many men have a career that is similar to Donald Trump’s? And is it the men demanding that, or is it just reality that two careers that take both parents away from the kids is tough?
And why didn’t Filipovic contrast with Ted Cruz, who is on Marriage #1 to a woman who outearns him and kicks butt in one of the last bastions of male privilege?
Anti-Republican propaganda. Pure and simple.
Anonymous
I think if you exclude this past year (because running for President is obviously a very unique thing that is a huge time commitment), tons of men and women have a career that is pretty similar to Trump’s. Given what he stated with, he is not very successful (if he’d invested the initial investment he was given by his family in index funds, he would be wealthier than he is now) and he’s not a self-made man. I’m not saying he doesn’t work hard in a demanding profession and travel frequently for work, but so do hundreds of thousands of other men and women in business. It’s just not that unique.
And whatever you think about him otherwise, it is totally clear that it IS Trump who wants this type of marriage. He’s been very clear that he wanted to marry a woman who would stay home, said he would bring home the money and never change a diaper, etc. It’s not like he wanted to have an equitable marriage but life got in the way.
I agree with you that Ted Cruz’s marriage seems to be quite equitable, and I respect him for that, but I didn’t read the article as a Republican hit piece. I think the author compared Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump because they are the two major party candidates for President and everybody is comparing just about every aspect of their lives. Ted Cruz isn’t relevant unless you are examining the marriages of other people who ran and lost and this article was just about the candidates.
bridget
Can we add “femisplaining” to the dictionary, as in, the “feminist” version of mansplaining?
Because that’s what ya did. You didn’t even deign to think through what I said – it was said by someone who is not (insert group here), so it’s wrong.
By the way, what’s Michelle Obama doing with her life, and when did Filipovic praise Palin for the gender-flipped roles in that Alaskan abode? (As I said, anti-Republican piece, not thoughtful commentary.)
Anonymous
Lol to feminist in quotes. You are so so nasty all the time Bridget. I’ve gasped outloud at the horrible things you’ve said to people on this site so don’t wear your “never trump” like some badge of honor
sighsssss
I guess you are talking to me. If so, I didn’t say anything about my opinion as a feminist, so I’m not sure where theat came from. I did think through what you said and read through it many times. I just didn’t think your critique of why not compare him to a plumber was relevant. I thought it missed the point.
You raised a good point on comparing him to Ted Cruz, and I think you can understand the contrast if you compare his marriage to Cruz’s, or to Hillary’s, to Ivanka’s, etc. I didn’t see this as being an anti-Republican piece. I saw it as illustrating a surprising study finding with one of the current presidential candidates who is on the news a lot right now and with whom people really struggle to understand his views on women — particularly because of this contrast between his wife and daughter — only to learn that it’s surprising because it’s actually more common to everyone, hence the study and the comments here on this s!te.
Anonymous
I mean maybe she didn’t praise Palin or Cruz because neither of them are the nominee? She didn’t mention Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden, who also both have wives that had or have their own careers. I’m not sure why comparing the Democratic nominee to the Republican nominee without mentioning any other politicians makes it anti-Republican.
sighsssss
My comment got lost.
Bridget, it’s not the job of an opinion piece to explain *why* men believe that way. In fact, it’s not necessarily even the job of a research piece to explain the why. She was opining on surprising research findings.
His field of work is no explanation. Hence the contrast between his marriage(s) and the Clintons’ or Ivanka’s – where both spouses are highly educated and successful in their respective careers and not a Mrs. Him or Mr. Her. Sure, some couples ARE like that, but the notable and newsworthy contrast is the research findings of how men expect their wives is different than what they expect of their daughters, with Trump being a notable example of this.
I have met many different people of many different backgrounds through my career, and you may be (as I was) surprised at how many of them traveled the world and worked intensely to build multi-billion dollar corporations and yet are still on their ‘first marriage’ 40 years later, still involved deeply in the lives of their children and grandchildren, and how many of them married spouses that have their own lives, interests, and careers. You are missing the point comparing him to a plumber. You can easily compare him to other hard-working, traveling, super wealthy executives and moguls and still find a contrast in their attitudes towards women.
Indy
Sorry bridg, but you are only NEVERTrump if you are voting for Hillary. Otherwise you are #Maybetrump.
Anonymous
THIS!
TK
I think its just a reflection of a generational thing that will work itself out with time.
My Dad (he’s 70) has never changed and diaper and can’t cook to save his life. My mom didn’t work, and I’m sure that in the late 70s when I came along, they didn’t see or know any women who did. But among people my age / social group, all women work, and all dad’s participate fully in home and childcare. My generations’ sons and daughters will see moms and dads working and parenting in equal shares, which I assume will shape what they see / expect in wives.
My dad has counseled me through many salary negotiations and couldn’t be more proud of my rise up the career ladder. Also hasn’t said boo about the fact that my son – his grandson – has been in fulltime daycare since he was 11 weeks old. So I don’t think Dad has ever been ‘opposed’ to the idea of women being equal in the world – it just wasn’t something he ever saw or thought was realistic when he was 22 and married my mom.
REI
Any of you ladies into Real Estate Investing? Would love to hear some of your stories and experiences. Do you flip, buy and hold? I am expecting to get a pretty big bonus this year and would like to pick up my first property. Any advice for getting started?
June
Read, read, read on the front end. Then assemble your “team” so that as many pieces are in place when it is time to hit “go”. The “pieces” here would be a trusted realtor, a mortgage broker or mortgage lender, and if possible a trusted inspector or second set of eyes, and a handyman. Think about whether you want the property in your name or an LLC.
Run the numbers to make sure you will be cash flow positive. Price insurance, taxes, management fees. Get familiar with simple repairs and prices for common problems (dishwasher disposal clogged, AC drain clogged, dryer vent clogged, toilet flapper needs replacing).
-someone who has had her first rental property for about 10 years and just started trying to turn 1 investment property into 2
emeralds
My father invests in and manages real estate to pay the bills. He mostly purchases below-market properties and renovates them as rentals, but does occasionally buy and then sell as well. So I don’t have any firsthand experience, but I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly over the years.
Any renovation is going to take twice as long and cost twice as much as you expect, so you have absolutely got to be able to build in a significant cushion when budgeting. There’s also no guarantee that it’s going to 1) sell, 2) sell quickly, or 3) sell for what you think it’s worth. From my dad’s experiences, I have no interest in flipping. If I were to flip and my budget was $X in cash, I would only be willing to buy a house for X/2 – (the cost of carrying it empty for a full year).
I would entertain the thought of a low-maintenance rental in a strong rental market, if it was within an hour’s drive from my primary residence. If you have a low-maintenance, well-maintained property that you’ve been willing to put some money into (e.g., quality appliances, no shortcuts on essentials like the roof) with a good tenant, it’s the easiest money you’ll ever make. But unfortunately, that is not going to be the case. I’ve mentioned this one before, but my dad had a great family in a beautiful house for seven years–they paid like clockwork, took great care of the place, reported maintenance issues promptly, the works. But then they relocated. The next tenants started a fire in the fireplace without a grate, and burned out half of the living room. He evicted them and then the house sat empty for six months while repairs dragged out. Most tenants will fall somewhere in between, but you cannot expect them to take the same care of a property that you would yourself. Proceed with caution.
Anonymous
I own several rental properties. I’d recommend you really consider whether you’re ready for this. Being a landlord is no joke- lots of emergency calls, weekends spent fixing places up, weather-related issues, etc. That all assumes good long-term tenants.
Flipping is another beast altogether. If you don’t have experience with contracting, renovations,etc., good luck. I do and we haven’t done a flip.
Sorry to sound negative; it’s just a lot of work and people seem to think it’s easy to do.
Anonymous
Also, it can be a huge drag on your credit if you are a buy and hold person.
Signed,
7 figures of debt on my credit (but the cash flow is positive and 10+ years later, the two rental properties are <30% LTV (that last bit should tell you something about how conservative you should be on borrowing for an investment property to have positive cash flow enough to have reserves for things like new A/C, furnace, roof (finally: these were my starter condos that I lived in for years before renting instead of selling when I moved on, no intentional rental properties))
emeralds
I would never finance an investment property, unless it was a condo or something that I had purchased for myself and then moved out of. NEVER.
Bette
I think that is way too conservative.
I have a couple of rental properties in my city that I own and rent out. I work in real estate so it’s pretty typical in my industry to make “side” investments as well.
All of them are mortgaged and all have positive cash flow.
I would say that you need to be real about estimating rents, management time/costs, turnover costs, and repair costs (i budget 1% of the property worth in repairs a year. Sometimes its much less and sometimes it much more.)
It is a tax advantaged investment vehicle so worthwhile pursuing if you are interested.
Meg Murry
Right now, with interest rates as low as they are, why not? We technically did what you mentioned – bought a property (with a mortgage), lived in it a few years, then turned it to a rental property when we bought our next place. We live in a LCOL area, but that has a steady flow of people needing 1-2 year rentals that are often coming from HCOL areas and therefore think the rents we charge are a steal. We now have 2 rental properties (2 duplexes, so 4 units total) plus our personal home. We are working on paying down our personal mortgage *first*, then we will worry about paying down the rental properties – because if something absolutely horrible happened and we had to declare bankruptcy or otherwise lose a property, we would much rather lose the rentals than our primary residence.
That said, we have done the math and can comfortably pay the mortgage, utilities, taxes, etc as long as the rentals are at least at 1/2 capacity over the course of a year (so either all units rented out for 6 months out of 12, or 1/2 of the units rented out for the whole year, etc) plus super basic maintenence. At 3/4 capacity we can afford to save toward more major repairs we know will be coming (one house will need a new roof in the next few years, the other has a furnace living on borrowed time, etc), and at full capacity we actually make some profit that we can see (not just on paper profit that we’re giving back to the bank) – enough to cover all rental expenses plus it could cover our personal mortgage too.
But my husband treats the rentals as a part time job, and when we are doing renovations he will easily put 20-30 hours of week into the properties himself – plus often bringing in additional contractors or handy friends and family.
For every success story you see about flipping a house, there are probably just as many (if not more) people that pretty much just broke even, lost money, lost the property when it didn’t sell and they couldn’t afford to keep carrying the mortgage. Renovation is hard work, and you will pay a lot of money for a good contractor – and potentially lose a lot of money while you are learning what not to do when DIY-ing
Daisy
There is an entire, significant industry devoted to levering investment real estate properties. Not all of the players are institutional, either. Many are small guys who have 1-10 properties, borrow for CHEAP and make a killing.
I would advise against taking out a fat loan, especially for a first or second investment property, but your stance is very, very conservative.
Baconpancakes
Man, I was really excited because at first I thought you were going to post about some kind of hiking/camping gear you got at REI.
But as far as real estate goes, the main thing is to be patient. If you don’t want to put a lot of work into the property, you’re going to have to wait for the right dip in the market and the right property (rentable, stable or upward trending neighborhood, good condition property), and snatch it when the time is right. It’s not like looking for your residence – always look to be able to walk away until it’s yours, and look to be able to liquidate when the time is right once it is yours.
Anonymous
I am a biglaw (~AmLaw 100) senior associate who is feeling very down about my job. My section is sort of in a funk for different reasons and then also just slow in general. My husband suggested I get a hobby to help me get some mojo back.
I am thinking about trying to teach spin classes. Have any of y’all managed to do that in addition to a full time job? I’m curious how it would work. And I know it depends on the studio, but I’m curious if they would let me teach just in early morning/on the weekends. Has anyone done something like this and had it help with your funk? Any other thoughts?
Anonymous
Yes. You already have a job. Take spin classes. That’s a hobby.
Anonymous
I find it’s very common for such high-achieving women to want to “win” at their hobby, by being the best in the room (which usually means, being the teacher). Relax honey. Take a spin class and enjoy a hobby.
KT
Can I ask why you have to teach, and not just take classes? Are you looking for a second career?
I would think balancing a second job on top of a biglaw career would be pretty difficult.
How about some genuine hobbies, whether it’s exercise, cross-stitching, volunteering, hiking, painting, sculpting, heck, get some legos and go crazy.
Daisy
A very close friend did this to fill a gap in her ‘mojo’. It wasn’t too challenging to get her certification, or even to get on the ‘on call list’ for studios when instructors couldn’t cover their regularly scheduled classes, but it has become SUCH a headache. Really. She regrets it and is working her way out. There are intense politics/dramatics at the gyms and spin studios, way more than I ever realized as someone who frequented them. She also struggled to get a regularly scheduled class that wasn’t the peak early AM or evening hours (aka – work with her primary job’s schedule).
I’m all for getting your certification, but definitely put some thought in to how you would use it, what clubs you’d try to teach at, etc. I’d even recommend doing all of that leg work up front.
June
Spinning is addictive and wonderful. I got certified to teach classes but never followed through with it because when push came to shove, I felt that I had to choose between exercising/training and teaching Spinning.
I chose to continue taking Spinning classes but to spend much of my discretionary time on another training goal (running a marathon) because at that point in life, I felt the benefits to me would be greater.
But I learned so much from the training process and am so glad I did it!
Anonymous
Teaching spin classes is not a hobby, it’s a job. I can’t imagine balancing a part-time job with Big Law, even when things are slow. And things will inevitably not be slow at your full-time job forever. Why don’t you just take spin or other exercise classes? Those are much easier to drop when things get busy at the firm again.
Anon
Another example of I can be the expert at everything syndrome. Leave the teaching to people who are passionate about teaching not looking for a hobby.
Anonymous
Eh, I disagree with this. If she’s aiming to teach at Soul Cycle in NYC, then maybe she’s being crazy. If she’s trying to teach a few classes at a Y or smaller studio in a mid-size, she’d probably do just fine.
lawsuited
Also, people aren’t binary. It’s possible that the OP is passionate about teaching and spinning, in addition to her day job.
Senior Attorney
I taught a kids’ karate class for a while when I was a partner in MidLaw. It was only once a week and I was in a position where I could draw a line in the sand and just make sure I got there every time. I was basically an independent contractor and I was wholly in charge of this one class at this one rec center, although I was affiliated with a dojo. It was a blast, but it was a very unusual situation.
I also knew a public defender who taught evening classes at a gym and made it work. So it’s possible, although I can’t imagine making it work with a BigLaw job.
Anonymous
This. My uncle is a black belt who teaches at his studio in the early mornings and on weekends. He didn’t set out to do that though – it started with some filling in and turned into more. But he has his own law firm and as the senior most partner there, has a lot of say in his hours.
If you’re serious though, check out the lagliv blog – she’s an attorney who now teaches barre on the side. She’s no longer big law, so there’s that, but she seems to make it work. May give you some inspiration.
Ashley
All the people saying that you have ego issues just need to back down.
Yes, it is possible to teach fitness as a hobby. I taught core, Zumba, and HIIT classes while I was a full-time grad student and working part time. I feel that if you are already exercising 5x a week, you might as well get paid to do it.
Yes, you will need to get certified. Both nationally AFAA, ACE, etc and get your specialization certification in addition to first aid.
If you are already taking spin classes at a place you would like to teach, the best way to start is to just go up to the instructor and ask him/her about it. Find out if this is right for you.
Teaching fitness 2x a week at one gym is not really a full time job. It’s more of a gig and you will need to have lots more classes for it to be full time. But yes, teaching a few classes is fine as a part time hobby.
Also know that it takes some outside classroom preparation. Students want new songs and workouts often and you will need to mix it up. Good luck and I hope you get out of your funk!
Leopard Print
Confession time: I am more than a little obsessed with all the leopard print that is coming out for Fall. Do you consider leopard a neutral? A little more than that, but goes with a lot? Do you think it’s old-ladyish? (Sometimes I think this because my awesome grandma wore a lot of leopard.) How much leopard is too much leopard? If I buy a pair or two of leopard flats, that’s not too much, right? Please validate my leopard obsession. Kthanksbye.
Also, watch the new carpool karaoke with Jame Corden and Michelle Obama. It was great.
KT
Leopard flats is totally not too much leopard, and I certainly don’t think it’s old ladyish.
I always admire women with the confidence to rock leopard. The best I can do without feeling like BAM IN YOUR FACE is a pair of snow leopard heels I wear solely with black (I pretty much live dangerously all the time).
So rock that leopard so I can live vicariously through you!
CPA Lady
I think leopard print shoes are the perfect amount of leopard print. I say go for it!
CPA Lady
Look up the Kate Spade Enna Too on 6pm dot com. I really like those…
Ms B
Long time leopard lover here. I wear a lot of black and chocolate and leopard goes great with both of those. Also, I have found it to work surprisingly well with taupe, camel, and denim. That said, I generally confine myself to one leopard item per outfit (shoes, belt, scarf, shell or cardi), although I do have one full on leopard silk dress (not office appropriate, imho).
And one or two pairs of leopard shoes is not too many. There might be four pairs in my closet . . .
CountC
I echo this 100%. I love leopard and treat it as a neutral. One item per outfit is classy and looks awesome IMO.
Elizabeth
Leopard is a neutral! and leopard shoes are the perfect accent. I have leopard ballet flats and wear them any time I would otherwise wear a brown or luggage shoe. Plus wearing them with red, black or gray. the only thing I won’t do is wear a leopard shoe with a patterned pant. and I would only do one item of leopard per outfit.
(Former) Clueless Summer
The Boden ponte dress in leopard print is everything I want for fall. I’m usually a little more sedate though – I have two leopard belts that are awesome with a black sheath dress and a pair of leopard pumps. Also a leopard blouse that I usually wear under a blazer and with a black or red skirt – red is an awesome combo with leopard.
animal prints
I have a pair of leopard high- waisted cigarette pants, in a very neutral/classic leopard color palate.
I bought them in my 20’s at a little boutique.
Now that I’m in my 40’s, I worry every (rare) time I wear them on weekends. I make sure everything else I wear is very simple/neutral (white/tan/black) and classic. But I keep thinking I must get rid of them because they may be too old-lady-ish. Yet, they are the only pair of pants that actually fit me perfectly, which is perhaps the main reason that I have kept them.
I think a leopard belt is best, and leopard flats also ….. ok. But make sure the print is classic.
I really prefer snakeskin, alligator, ostrich to mammal prints though. The risk of a tacky mammal print is very high.
Meg March
Seconding everyone else– Yes, leopard is a neutral. No, it’s not old-ladyish. Buy all the leopard shoes and all the leopard belts– they will not be too much leopard. I will combine shoes + belt in leopard, but otherwise I keep my leopard to one item. Leopard print shows up in my closet in shoes (heels and flats), belt, blouse, scarf, cardigan and skirt, and wear all of them to the office (business casual). I think key is that they are well-fitting, and not tight, esp. the pencil skirt– just a little too tight makes it look a lot more office inappropriate than happens with other skirts. They look good with other neutrals, bright colors, etc. I mix patterns with leopard print, but only what I think of as classic prints– polka dots and stripes, and typically only where they match the colors in the leopard print well (so camels, black and white, usually, rather than colored stripes, for example).
Senior Attorney
Of course leopard is a neutral! I mix it with polka dots, stripes, and bright colors like teal, purple, red, emerald green, yellow. Also other neutrals like navy and olive. I’d say one leopard piece per outfit is the limit — shoes OR belt OR bag OR scarf. (Although sometimes I’ll go crazy and do my leopard bag and leopard belt together…)
lawsuited
I take Joey’s (from Friends) Trifle Approach: Tan? Neutral. Black? Neutral. Brown? Neutral. Leopard print? NEUTRAL!
And no way is a pair of leopard print flats too much. A full leopard print tracksuit, maybe….
Senior Attorney
You made me go google “leopard tracksuit” and now I kind of want this one: http://www.ebay.com/itm/New-Ladies-Womens-Celeb-Sweatshirt-Leopard-Print-Black-Tracksuit-Loungewear-8-14-/161908105552
oh.my.GAWD!
Just as long as you don’t end up looking like Janice from Friends, you’re fine!
Driver 8
A very prominent female CEO at a competitor company in my former industry (and one of only a handful of female CEOs in the entire industry) was known for wearing head-to-toe leopard print to major industry and investor conferences. Jacket, skirt, heels — all leopard. As far as I know no one ever talked smack about it, even all of us who hated that company because they were our competitor, because she was such a freaking bada$$.
Wendy
I think of leopard as really being a timeless look and love wearing it myself. My mother had a full-length leopard coat and I loved putting it on when I was a young girl. The coat is long gone now unfortunately and right now I have several leopard tops, leopard flats and heels and a pair of gloves that look awesome with my black leather jacket. I also love wearing snakeskin pants, heels and gloves.
Breezy bottoms
I bought 4 linen tops to rotate as a summer capsule wardrobe for what seems to be the hottest summer in years here. I am very happy with how they look and fit my business casual office.
My concern now is what to wear as bottoms. I already wore “the skirt” with one of the shirts, and some patterned ankle pants but was still uncomfortably hot (I have to get in and out of my office building often).
While I got away with linen tops, I don’t think I can use the same material for bottoms (too wrinkly ?).
Any suggestions? I have even stopped wearing my ponte dresses because the lining on them is synthetic.
Petite size 4P in bottoms and quite curvy so I like skater, A-line or fit and flare dresses etc.
Anonymous
Buy an a-line skirt?
Emmer
Not the OP, but do you have any a-line skirt recs? I love them (I have a casual office) but have a hard time finding ones that aren’t too girlish/poofy.
Breezy bottoms
Exactly my point: can I have recommendations? I already know what shape I want, I just want recess for brands that carry breathable fabrics in grown up prints and cuts
Anonymous
Ohhh gotcha. This looks cool!
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/1763432/classiques-entier-corded-stripe-gored-a-line-skirt?color=TAN+NOMAD+CORDED+STRIPE
Anonymous
I like the A-line skirts at the Limited. Also, they’re having a sale today.
Anonymous
So, today is a day that ends in “y”? I love The Limited, but seriously, they have a sale what seems like every single day.
Legally Brunette
Got my NAS shipment yesterday. Very impressed with how quickly everything shipped, but most all of it will be returned
RETURNS
1. Hugo Boss dark blue suit (jacket, skirt and pants)– GORGEOUS color, but I think I’ve come to realize that Hugo Boss and I aren’t friends. I’m pretty curvy and the jacket was just pulling all over the place. But I know going up a size would be way too big. A sad return.
2) Hugo Boss gray suit — my usual size but way too tight. The pants looked like b**ty pants to wear to a club. No thanks.
3) Tahari 3/4 sleeved v-neck dress — I loved the color (orchid, like a bright magenta) but this wasn’t a good fit for me
4) Eliza J jersey sheath dress (in oxblood and navy) – I really wanted to love this dress because I love the cross over wrapping, but this highlighted my pooch and just overall wasn’t too flattering on me.
KEEPS
1) Charcoal Classiques Entier suit (jacket, pants, skirt) – – LOVE! Going forward I think I won’t waste time buying Hugo Boss and will just stick to good old CE.
2) Zella leggings — my first time trying on this brand. Nice and thick material, flattering.
Anonymous
Which blue Boss suit did you get? There was a navy and then another, brighter-looking blue that I was waffling on because I was concerned it was too cobalt for court.
Legally Brunette
I got the brighter blue and I don’t think it’s too bright for court (in fact, I bought it for court specifically). It’s definitely not cobalt, and is mixed with black. I seriously loved the color, feels very luxurious. But sadly the fit didn’t work out.
NYNY
I’m in love with the brighter blue suit! How long is the jacket? I’m 5’4″, and fairly short-waisted, so longer jackets never fit me (I frequently buy petite jackets and regular skirts for a suit). Also, is the problem with the jacket in the bust, hips, or both?
Legally Brunette
I think the measurements are online, maybe a 25 or 26? It didn’t feel short to me at all. In terms of fit, the problem was my bust, I think. I’m 32D/34C and it just pulled too much in that area, and also in the waist. The button placement in the jacket was also too low for me. Free shipping/returns so no harm in buying it and seeing it it works for you! It’s such a pretty suit.
NYNY
Thanks! I think I’ll try it out.
Bonnie
Most ridiculous NAS item: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/veronica-beard-camo-print-nylon-hoodie-dickey/4338696?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashionsize=Regular%20M%20(8-10)&fashioncolor=NAVY%20CAMO
Anonymous
Ninety. Nine. Dollars.
Oy vey!
Jules
Marked down from $150!
jumpingjack
Yesterday I saw a man wearing what I’d guess is a hoodie-dickey — it was like a hoodie with the arms cut out almost as deep as a muscle shirt. He was wearing it with the hood up and nothing underneath. It was an interesting look for downtown DC on a Wednesday morning. I actually turned and gaped at him as he passed.
Gail the Goldfish
camo print. hoodie. dickey. I don’t even need to click the link and see what it looks like to know that wins mot ridiculous item award.
Senior Attorney
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think the photo where the model is wearing it looks kind of great…
Kk
I love my zella leggings and just about everything I’ve bought from CE- sometimes its a tad conservative for me, and that’s a nice problem to have.
My worst NAS item so far is the Halogen V Neck Seamed ponte dress- it looks like what forever21 calls “workwear” sometimes- it’s very short, very snug, unlined, and not work appropriate at all.
I’m waiting for the rest of my order- I have high hopes for the belted short sleeved halogen blouse, and a few classiques dresses.
Shopaholic
I’m chronically late. There are some instances where it’s not a problem but others where I really would like to be better but I’m having a hard time i.e. getting to work in the morning.
There’s something in my brain that sees that arrival time as the earliest I can possibly be, not the latest. Any suggestions on how to change this? I’m not late for meetings or court – it’s really just getting to my office in the morning.
Thanks all!
Cb
Have someone set all your clocks ahead? Star chart for each day you are on time?
Diana Barry
What do you do differently when you are going to meetings/court vs when you are going to work? If you figure that out, maybe you can replicate it.
Anonymous
Set new deadlines for yourself. If you are leaving your house at 830 tomorrow make it a big strict deadline to leave at 810. You’ll miss 810 but probably hit 815. That’s what I usually do so when it’s 8:08 I’m in full sprint mode going make it out by 810! 3 minutes! Ah! By the time I am locking my door when I leave it’s probably 815 or even 820 but that still gets me there on time.
You know you can do it because you do it for the things that matter so don’t give yourself the excuse of “it’s the way my brain works” (this is my biggest pet peeve- when people try to do the cop out like it’s just the way the are. well you aren’t late for job interviews so clearly not- you just aren’t considerate enough to get to dinner on time. ) for chronically late people, obv everyone hits traffic or has a bad day once in a while
Anonymous
People who are chronically late often underestimate how long it takes to do various tasks. One of my friends had this issue so one morning she timed every single thing she did before leaving the house, even insignificant items (e.g., make breakfast, shower, dry hair, pick out clothes, get dressed, find shoes, organize bag) and wrote it down on an index card that she keeps by her alarm clock. So when she sets her alarm she sees all of the things she has to do and how long they will take, and she can set her alarm accordingly.
Anonymous
Yep- I’m always on time, and I think it’s because of that. I don’t think it takes 5 minutes to drive to a friends house, I realize it’s probably 15, factoring in traffic, parking, etc. Even if it’s only 5 minutes of actual drive time.
Anonymous
This is what drives me nuts about coordinating with other people. My chronically late friends all insist that we need to meet at someone’s house 10 minutes before we need to be somewhere. That’s not enough time! That’s why you’re always late! We all have to park at one friend’s house, say hi, go to the bathroom, someone will be late getting there, then load everyone in the car, probably move some cars around on the street, drive to the event – the part that actually takes 10 minutes assuming no lights or traffic, find parking, walk in – that’s a good 30 minutes, minimum.
NYNY
DH is chronically late, and this is his issue. He has timed how long the subway takes to get to stops which are frequent destinations for him, but unfortunately, he timed the trip on good days. And he doesn’t automatically factor in wait time, time to walk from the station to the final destination, etc. I love him, but if we need to be on time to something, I lie to him about when it starts.
jumpingjack
I have a good friend who is chronically late. Much of the time because she’s taking the bus (we’re in DC) and she reads the schedule and expects that it will arrive exactly on time. The bus *never* arrives on time. I’m chronically early, so it’s a big source of frustration for me.
Anonymous
This was how I fixed my chronic lateness problem – I just started estimating the amount of time things took more accurately. Instead of saying a shower takes 15 minutes, blowdrying my hair takes 15 minutes, I’d remind myself that in between I’d probably play on my phone and let my hair air dry so the “getting ready” process really takes closer to an hour.
I also had a talk with a friend who said that when I was late to meet her I was (whether I meant to or not) showing her that I don’t respect her or her time. That really helped me to see that lateness isn’t just about me, it’s about the people waiting around for me or who are relying on me to be somewhere at a certain time.
Anonymous
There’s a girl at my gym who swears it takes her 20 minutes to get ready. When I told her it takes me 45 minutes to get ready, she thought I was crazy. We go to the same class at the gym so we get in the shower at the same time. And we consistently leave at the same time. Which is 45 minutes after we get in the shower. She refuses to accept that either of us takes 45 minutes to get ready. I… really do not understand the mental gymnastics people go through when defining how much time their getting ready routine takes.
Anon for this
100% agreed about the lack of respect for other people. I don’t think that’s the OP’s problem (at least, she doesn’t say so), but I find chronically late people really rude. Growing up my family was always late. My entire immediate family was late to my wedding rehearsal (and my in-laws and all of our wedding party were standing around waiting for them). I try really hard to be on time because it makes me so stressed to be late.
Anonymous
I’m actually a chronically early person, but one thing I do every night without fail is prep for the next morning. I make my lunch, pick out my clothes, pack my bag, and have everything ready to go. All I need to do in the morning is eat breakfast and get dressed. That might help you get out the door on time.
anon a mouse
Someone here (or maybe on the moms page) suggested that there’s a departure time and a “wheels up” time that I’ve started implementing. For me they are usually at least 5 minutes apart, sometimes 10. The departure time is when I start gathering my things, put on jacket, go to the bathroom, pack lunch, etc. Wheels up is when I am literally pulling out of the driveway.
I gained at least 10 minutes when I started thinking of it this way and managing accordingly.
anon-oh-no
when my husband and I were first dating, he was always chronically late. After 6 months or so, I explained to him that it is very rude and made me feel like he didn’t care or respect me or my time. Once he understood it in those terms, he’s never been late again (at least without calling/texting re why he is late).
Maybe if you reframe the issue, you will understand that when you are late, you are making other people wait for you and you are showing them that you don’t value or respect their time.
Carry a book around with you (or read one on your phone) so that when you arrive early, which will inevitably happen and is much, much better than arriving late, you have something to do.
H
THIS. The second paragraph all the way. It absolutely conveys that you don’t respect someone else’s time and you think that whatever you had to do was more important.
shadow
Are there consequences to showing up to work later than you should? Because I get to work fairly late in the morning and I also want to get to work earlier but I just almost never do so.. and I suspect it’s because there isn’t any huge negative consequence for showing up to work late because I’m not actually “late” for anything. If I have a meeting in the morning, I don’t show up late… As a result, I usually schedule my meetings in the morning so that I can get to work “early.”
Anonymous
Reset your thinking about time. In the Army, if you are not 10 minutes early, you are late. Adopt that strategy and you will never be late again. In success terms, if you can be counted on to be where you are supposed to be, on time and looking sharp–you are ahead of at least 50% of your peers. You can do this!
Shopaholic
Thanks all. I like to think I’m not intentionally being disrespectful or rude but my brain doesn’t compute my time in a realistic manner. I’m going to try timing myself and setting a stricter schedule for the mornings where I just need to get to the office.
I guess I don’t need to be at the office early but I would feel much better if I was here on time or early rather than rushing around and feeling behind all day (this is also a problem because I’m an awful morning person).
Sharon
Hi friend – you sound like me. I have been listening to the “Happier” podcast and they had a few tips about this in episode 68. They suggested asking yourself why are you late? Is it that you’re anxious about being somewhere early and don’t know what to do with yourself? Is it that you’re not looking forward to being in the office? Sometimes it’s helpful to schedule coffee or something that you enjoy first thing in the morning and repeat that to yourself: “when I get to work at x time, I will be able to enjoy my coffee without rushing” or “when I get to work at x time, I can start researching that topic I love but haven’t gotten to yet”.
Best of luck!
Aki
Anyone whose been to Shenandoah National Park have trail recommendations? Looking to do a couple 10+ mile hikes with good views. Also, any opinions on Big Meadows Campground or Loft Mountain Campground? TIA!
E
We’re going this weekend but are staying at Mathews Arm because it was the only place we could get a reservation. If we weren’t staying at Mathews Arm we would have stayed at Loft Mountain – it seems like the prettiest/most rustic of the campgrounds. Have heard good things about Hawksbill Mountain, but it’s only about 3 miles (good views though).
Aki
Thanks. It looks like Matthews Arm might be closed in September, so we will try Loft Mountain.
CountC
I haven’t been to Shenandoah in a LONG time, so no personal recommendations, but I found this which might be helpful! http://www.planetware.com/luray/shenandoah-national-park-us-va-shnp.htm
a.k.
Old Rag is the stalwart for a long hike with great views. It involves some scrambling and often crowds, though. Whiteoak Canyon is a good one as well, usually less crowded. You can also make a nice long hike by combining Meadow Spring to Mary’s Rock.
We rely on a book called Day & Overnight Hikes in Shenandoah National Park. It has a number of really good hikes.
Aki
Thanks, I will check out that book.
emeralds
Both of those are good. If you’ve already done Old Rag but like the area, Roberts Mountain is mellower in terms of people but still has beautiful views. Old Rag shouldn’t be too bad this time of year–peak season is with the colors in the fall, but I’ve never had an issue on a weekday regardless of season.
Crabtree Falls is also cool. It’s a short hike but it connects with the AT, so you can go as long as you want.
ALX emily
I am not a huge fan of hiking in Shenandoah so no particular recommendations, but I always use hikingupward.com to find good hikes.
Anonymous
Big Meadows is where the main lodge is, with the dining room and “tap room” (bar). There are also a “wayside” (breakfast, burgers, sandwiches, ice cream) and a camp store. Loft Mountain has a wayside plus I think a tiny camp store. Both have icky showers that take quarters. Sites at both are grassy, so don’t walk around in sandals and check for ticks daily. Loft Mountain sites are surrounded by blackberry bushes and apple trees, and sometimes I wonder if this might attract more bears close to the sites. Loft Mountain is at the far southern end of the park and Big Meadows is in the center, so it depends on which hikes you want to do and whether you want to venture south of the park on the Blue Ridge Parkway. With very small kids or people who are not terribly outdoorsy, I’d choose Big Meadows. Loft Mountain is indeed more rustic.
For hiking, I would recommend buying a guidebook. We have a kid, so I only know the shorter hikes in the park. Be aware that many hikes in the park, especially the waterfall hikes, start downhill and end uphill. Bear sightings are common on the trails, so carry and know how to use bear spray if it makes you more comfortable. Dark Hollow Falls is pretty but crowded. It is short but the climb back up is strenuous. Hawksbill Summit is one of our favorites. Stony Man is a classic. Doyles River Falls is nice if you’re staying at Loft Mountain. There are actually two waterfalls on the Doyles River Falls trail; the first has a nice picnic spot at its base. We have found that the short AT hikes tend to be less scenic than the waterfall and summit hikes, although they are nice in June when the mountain laurel is in bloom.
If you visit Big Meadows, be sure to take the very short trail to the overlook that’s near the cabins. Also try the blackberry ice cream pie with meringue topping at the lodge.
anon
Can you recommend a good book for shorter hikes? We have a 4 and 2 year old, so we are just getting back out – but are limited in duration. Thanks!!
Anonymous
We have the Falcon “Hiking Shenandoah National Park,” which includes hikes of all difficulty levels. There is a cheaper Falcon guide called “Best Easy Day Hikes in Shenandoah National Park.” The Falcon guides have the most reliable directions.
The park gift shops sell a series of small guidebooks by Possom O’Pouch Publishing that focus on hikes for kids, waterfall hikes, etc. These guides point out interesting features to look for on the trail.
Your 4-year-old might enjoy “Scavenger Hike Adventures,” which includes scavenger hunt activities customized to various trails in the park. There is also an interpretive booklet for the Stony Man Nature Trail that you can pick up at the trailhead and may also be available at the visitor centers.
We found the Story of the Forest nature trail disappointing–it’s not very wilderness-y. Limberlost is fun if you want to let the kids run on a flat trail.
Baconpancakes
We were at Loft Mountain the other day. I like the campsites in section A34 (bottom right), as they’re a little away from everything and feel a little more private, but there’s a pretty steep hill between the parking area and the site, so with 2-4 yo you might want to be in a drive-in spot. Here’s the map of the Loft Mountain sites:
http://www.recreation.gov/camping/map_of_Loft_Mountain_Campground/r/campgroundMap.do?page=map&search=site&contractCode=NRSO&parkId=70852
Blackrock is a nice hike with some rock screes for the kids to climb on, but not too strenuous. We saw lots of kids on that hike. Normally I’d recommend Bear Fence because it’s fun and short, but the 2 yo won’t have long enough legs to make the rock scramble, and I’m not sure you want to carry a 2 yo up all those rocks.
If you’re within a 2-hour drive of the Shenandoah Park and you don’t already have one, get an annual pass! It’ll make you way more likely to just hop out on a random weekend, and it pays for itself after two visits.
Have fun! I’m so glad to see people with kids bringing them into nature – it’s so much fun for little ones!
Cb
Any recommendations for things to do, see, and eat in Prague? I’m going for a conference in September and will have a few extra days. I’ll be flying solo, staying in an Airbnb in the centre, and have been to Prague several times before but only in the dead of winter.
I’ll need to do quite a bit of work while I’m there but would love to get a bit of fun in before a hectic autumn. In general, I like nice cafes, long walks, and art. I’ve been to the nat history, contemporary, and Mucha museum but not for years.
MJ
I really loved that the main castle in Prague had classical music concerts, so I would look into that. It seemed so classy!
Also, I was completely entranced by Czesky Krumlov, which is a Unesco heritage site medieval town a few hours away. There are tour companies that take you by bus for the day (or overnight) and it was stunning, charming and so lovely (and less touristy than Prague, although not fully untouristy). I just loved it. You could get some good reading done on the bus unless you get carsick, plus seeing the Czech countryside was relaxing. It had a cool castle and was fun to walk around. This would be a perfect day trip or quick overnight.
(Former) Clueless Summer
If you want Czech food, I highly recommend Lokal – it’s a local chain with a few locations. Food is authentic and delicious and service is surprisingly good. Also recommended Pizza Kmotra (for when you are tired of Czech food…because for me that happens super quickly) – awesome pizza, good service, tap water available. Have you gone up the funicular at Petrin? Combined with a trip to Strahovsky Klaster (monastery brew pub with gorgeous grounds) that could be great. Kampa park?
Cb
Thanks folks, these all sound fantastic.
B
I loved the Jewish cemetery/heritage area in Prague. Fascinating from a historical perspective about limitations on Jewish life throughout European history (they only had one square block to bury people for centuries) and a morbid modern history. It puts into some perspective how much of a culture was destroyed in WWII/build-up. When I went it was much less crowded than many other tourist locations as well.
Anonymous
Agree – one of the most memorable parts of that city for me
ArenKay
Third on Jewish area. Parliament is a restaurant in that area that is delicious. Czesky Krumlov is a great medieval town, but it’s over an hour away, so would take a whole day. Karlstejn castle is closer and interesting.
Anonymous
I also enjoyed the Jewish area, especially the synagogues. The Communist museum was interesting, especially as a contrast to the current, touristy, Prague. Have you thought about taking a walking tour, such as Sandeman’s? I’m not sure if they run Prague tours but I loved them in any other cities.
Anonymous
Any thoughts on the LuLaRoe trend? I work in a casual office, so their dresses and shirts would definitely be considered appropriate (although I am strongly in the leggings are not pants camp). Are the clothes as comfortable as they claim? Any insight into how they hold up in the wash?
Anonymous
Yes. I think it’s an exploitative multi-level marketing scheme and I want no part of it.
Malia
+1 million.
anon a mouse
Too many of my friends have had issues with garments falling apart, or colors bleeding onto other things (including one friend who had bright leggings bleed onto her dining room chair!). I’m out.
Anon
Yep, the prints are fun, can’t speak to the quality of material but the stuff isn’t even made in America and the pricing seems awfully high in light of that. I often see women trying to resell their purchases on facebook as the return policy is very restrictive.
So add to this a business model I don’t care to support… Will stick to my Zella stuff at Nordstrom which I know I can return without hassle.
lucy stone
I own a smattering of LLR pieces and my SIL sold for them for a while. Their MLM structure is definitely sucky and I think she ended up losing money on it. I don’t mind the clothes for casual wear, and am in fact wearing a Julia dress today, but it’s not the highest quality stuff for the price. I’ll buy something if I love the print, but I think they’ll rotate in and out of my wardrobe fairly quickly. I do like the Randy tees for the weekends.I will also say their stuff is ridiculously generously cut.
Anon
Um, everyone loses money eyes when join mlM schemes.
Anon
Um, everyone loses money eyes when join mlM schemes.
very anon for this
I’ve hesitated posting here in the past about this issue for fear of outing myself, but here goes.
I was s3xually assaulted by a coworker at my last job. I was a very driven technical project manager, well respected, (as far as I can tell) with loads of responsibility. This was a person who I thought could be a mentor, and I trusted, only to find out he was grooming me and manipulating me the whole time.
I wanted to know if anyone had ever been in a situation like this, or even if anyone was assaulted while an adult with a full-time corporate job and a house and a husband and you know… supposedly had my life together. I have attended support groups, and while I am incredibly moved and humbled by the situations of the other women, I find I cannot at all relate. I am, thankfully, not struggling with homelessness or continued domestic violence, drug abuse, or other health issues. This is of course a blessing, but does not mean that I don’t struggle at all.
I (obviously) left the job where I was attacked and took time off before beginning at a new company. I feel happy to be working, excited about the responsibility I’m being given and for being recognized as a competent technical manager. But every day of work is a flashback (I work with all men, many who look at me the way this man did). I travel extensively, and I was assaulted in a hotel while travelling on business, so every work trip is a flashback.
I realize this is such a specific request, and I should be lucky to have these problems but… is there any way to find support from other women who are survivors and working full-time in the corporate world?
before you ask: yes, I see a therapist and we work on this. no, i could not press charges because the assault happened in another country. yes, i told the other company and he was fired.
Wildkitten
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can promise you that this has happened to other power-women with their sh*t together. I’m not sure where they meet for support – but I am sure there are a lot of women with similar lives and similar trauma.
KT
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I wish I had more effective words of conveying how angry I am that you were subjected to this.
And I’m sorry it’s been hard for you to find adequate support. So many women have gone through the same thing as you who have good jobs, good marriages, etc, but there’s still such a stigma that people don’t want to come forward for fear of hurting their families and career. That’s a failure on our systems and it sucks.
I don’t know where you are, but there are support groups that are specifically designed for people like you.
Sojourner House offers counseling and support groups for women survivors in the workforce.
The Women’s Center is another one that has professional support groups, as does the Trauma Survivors Network.
Also, do you have a 2-1-1 in your area? I know where I am, our 2-1-1 has a huge list of support groups that cater to very specific groups. Anyone can call 24/7 and get referred to a support group that meets their needs.
Good luck.
OP
Thank you! I will look into these.
Anonypants
My situation is not exactly the same as yours, but might help.
I was an intern my third summer in college at a CRM selling company outside of Washington DC. The president of the raped me. I didn’t tell anyone at the time (or really even now) because the office culture was a bit of a worship the president type deal. He had been a part owner in the Redskins and so everyone thought he was BT (he was not, he owned a tiny minority share). I finished working the rest of the summer and assumed that it was my fault for going to HH with the group and for having enough to drink that I didn’t want to drive myself home. At any rate, I come from an very solid middle class family (engineer dad, teacher mother), I am white, successful, and was working in the corporate world when it happened. I was also assaulted while at a law firm 7 or so years later. I again didn’t tell anyone because I assumed it was my fault somehow, the man was a well-respected partner, had WAY more pull than I would have as a second year associate, and I know nothing would have happened to him. I quit about 6 months after that incident.
I have been in therapy since college (15 years ago) for depression and anxiety, but only discussed this incident with a therapist around 2013/2014 when I went through two relationships where I clearly had intimacy issues and I was trying to figure it out. Turns out when I felt as if I was losing control or I couldn’t speak up for myself, I took away $ex. I had never connected that (I didn’t start dating seriously until in my 30s) to my intimacy issues before. I also was assaulted by two managers at a sporting goods store I worked at in high school. The only person in my life that know all of this said therapist.
I’m not sure if that helps you at all, but it absolutely happens to women in every walk of life.
Nati
Thank you for sharing with us and I’m so sorry.
Anonypants
Thank you. I feel as though I have moved past it and resolved the symptoms that popped up (promiscuity, careless abandon with my body, disordered eating, HEAVY drinking, etc.) and I feel great now. I am not in a relationship, but I also do not want to be. I am happy and enjoying my life. It’s full and rich now, but I went through a lot of troubling years, to be sure.
Nati
I’m really happy to hear that. May your life always be full and rich!! You have my admiration because it’s tough to find the courage to stare down your demons.
OP
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t speak up about what happened at any of those employers. I am upset and angry that my attacker is still free and harming other women, but I at least had my moment to tell HR the truth about why I resigned, and they believed me.
Gives me hope that you’ve come so far! hugs.
Anonypants
OP – I am happy to talk more about it offline if you want to provide a burner email. I buried it for a long time and didn’t realize how it was affecting me until somewhat recently, so I don’t know how much help I will be, but I am happy to try!
OP
I posted below – beyonceshairflip at gmail.
Nati
I cannot offer advice but I want to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t think you are lucky to have those problems at all! But I do think you are strong and I admire you for taking steps to heal.
Anon for this
I am an attorney that represented a victim civilly in a very similar situation. I obviously can’t say more than that but you are not the only one out there. Maybe you could look up some of the big plaintiff employment law firms. You could contact them with an anonymous email, and ask that they pass along your anonymous email to any of their clients in a similar situation who might be interested in connecting. I’m no longer in touch with my former client but if I were, I would be willing to do something like that. I’d just email her and say “someone reached out to me looking to connect with others who went through what you went through. Can I give you her email address?” You could also contact the EEOC or your state’s human rights commission for the same reason. They deal entirely with employment law and see the assault cases that go civil before they end up in court.
OP
This is a good thought, especially the EEOC. I looked up the most high-powered s*xual harassment/employment law firm I could find in the state where I worked (which is not where I live… so much jurisdiction weirdness in this thing), and she did have one other similar-ish case, but she did not have experience with assault. I actually had a really terrible experience with her, she had clearly never interviewed a survivor of a traumatic assault before and her line of questioning was so victim-blamey and lacking in anatomical knowledge. I got the sense some of the things that were done to me where physical acts she had never contemplated or knew about. Anyway, she icked me out pretty bad and I’m not really into talking to her again, but I could float my name out there in case someone else ever comes to their firm.
Anon
I’ve actually thought many times about a women’s group (virtual or IRL) addressing survivors of abuse in the professional/middle class world sort of way. My road blocks have been that many of these women don’t want to be outed in real life and connecting all of us, may be difficult.
My situation wasn’t the same as yours, but similar enough that your issues ring true to me.
OP
Yes! I know there must be more people but… how do we connect?
anon
I’m sorry this happened and I hope that you find the support that you need. You may have already gone through some of these resources but in case you haven’t – the national organization RAINN or local r*pe crisis center (these organizations offer support and resources to survivors at all stages after an assault, not just in the immediate aftermath). I’m on the board of my local crisis center and know that we help people at all points in their recovery.
I’ve heard Jenny Lynn Anderson speak about her assault and she wrote a book too, Room 939. She meets some of your criteria (married, corporate job, on a business trip at the time). There’s a pretty strong religious component to her message but she’s a powerful voice about a horrific subject. Not sure if that can be a link to other similarly situated individuals.
OP
Thank you for the book suggestion! Ugh, I still remember the hotel room number too.
Anonymous
Woah girl. You are not lucky to have these problems. At all.
OP
I just mean in terms of the other support groups – found via RAINN and r*pe crisis – are typically comprised of women with multiple life struggles, including low income, continued abuse, complicated family situations including fighting to get kids from foster care, drug abuse…. Things that are scary and make my sad little white collar self feel…. weird. “Oh it’s so hard for me when I have to fly first class to attend a conference because my r*pist flies Delta too and I’m scared I’ll see him!” Actual situation, btw. It just seems wrong to complain about it to women who may never have been on a plane (not joking or meaning to put them down, but this is the sense I get from their worldview).
Anonymous
FWIW, I understood what you meant. It’s one thing to have “in common” the experience of s3xual assault, but that doesn’t mean the circumstances surrounding it, the triggers or the way it affects your life now are all the same as other women who have been victims.
OP
thanks :) I just really didn’t want to come off as pretentious and snobby, which is how I feel even thinking this. I wish there was less stigma, people could come out and talk about this, so it was understood it’s not all strange men in dark alleys.
The Brock Turner case really gave me hope. My r*pist was a privileged Stanford athlete back in the day. Maybe if the first girl he did this to had come forward, I would have been spared? Who knows.
MargaretO
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I unfortunately don’t have any recommendations for a support group. I’ve suffered through some similar trauma symptoms (with a very different cause) and honestly groups did not help, just therapy. I recommend looking into EMDR treatments and considering starting on anti-depressants if you haven’t already.
OP
Thanks. My EMDR was not covered by insurance so I only went twice. I’ve also tried acupuncture (also not covered by insurance, but seems to help!), yoga, tai chi.
Therapy absolutely does help, so maybe I should push again to do more EMDR or other therapy with a trauma specialist – my therapist is not a trauma specialist and like I described with my lawyer above… half the time I feel like I’m comforting her when I tell her the really disgusting things that were said/done to me. Like, I know it’s terrifying, I lived it? Please don’t cry?? You’re making me more sad??
MargaretO
It really really sounds like you should look into a different therapist. She should not be reacting emotionally in your sessions! I also found things like yoga and acupuncture helpful, something my excellent therapist taught me is that feeling grounded in your body in a comforting and pleasant way is a really good way to counteract trauma symptoms. But seriously, switch therapists, and spring for the EMDR out of pocket if you have to/can afford it. You do not have to take care of your therapist or your lawyer, they are there to help you heal and should be supporting you. We have very different experiences but if you would like to talk some more, post an anonymous email and I’ll email you from mine. I can share a bit more about resources and stuff that have helped me manage/reduce my symptoms.
Anon for this
Ugh. I wish there was a way to suss out who has had the “correct” training. I’ve had it and I think I do it right but I’ve seen many other people who must not have been paying attention and botch it entirely.
Anonymous
I am likewise so very sorry about this. I am a lawyer who has helped clients cope with traumatic events of all kinds. I highly recommend more EMDR treatments if you can find a way to afford them. The therapy can significantly help with the symptoms you experience with flashbacks and allow you to function better during work trips. It is not a magic therapy that will “fix” everything that you are feeling or experiencing, but it will help you function in your daily life.
If you do find a good lawyer, you could ask that your lawsuit include reimbursement of the therapy costs that your insurance will not cover as partial restitution. if you decide not to litigate, you could still have a lawyer send a letter to your old company asking for that specific reimbursement.
As a woman who also travelled extensively in a man’s world, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
OP
This is interesting. Don’t know if anyone is still reading, and I know you can’t offer me legal advice, but my lawyer never suggested asking for specific reimbursement in lieu of a lawsuit? I did not want to go through that at the time, but being reimbursed for my medical expenses and lost income would be amazing. Is this A Thing?
The fact I had to pay for my own morning after pill, hospital co-pays and STD testing still makes me angry.
cbackson
Oh, honey. You need a different therapist – you need someone who is caring and compassionate but has emotional distance from you. That is essential for your healing.
I haven’t had your experience, but I was in an accident and severely hurt, such that I nearly died (and was aware the entire time). I struggled with depression, obsessive/instrusive thoughts about the experience – not sure if they were flashbacks, really, but memories that I just couldn’t push away, anxiety triggered by weird small things that reminded me of the experience, and just this constant awareness of the nearness of death. CBT was really helpful in managing the symptoms, and might be helpful to you in conjunction with standard talk therapy (CBT doesn’t treat the underlying emotional harm, but you can likely find a therapist who does both).
SA
This happened to my coworker by our boss. He was also fired. She left shortly after and hasn’t returned to the workforce 10 years later. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
PEN
I need help with dressing for a wedding. It is at 6 pm in Smithtown NY. Invite says Cocktail attire. As bizarre as it sounds, it has been so long since I went to a wedding and wasn’t a bridesmaid, that I have no clue what is appropriate.
Can I wear the Adrianna Papell Sip And See Sheath? Or is that too daytime for “cocktail”?
PEN
this is such an awful place to accidentally have posted this. My deepest apologies. I would delete if I could figure out how.
Wildkitten
(I think it depends on the color.)
halp
Try EMDR. It seems weird, but a lot of research suggests that it is very effective at treating trauma (moreso than talk therapy, as I understand it).
Anonypants
It didn’t work for me at all. We tried it several times. Not to say it isn’t worth a try, because by all means try everything! Just some anecdata.
OP
Thanks to everyone who responded! To anyone who wants to reach out further to connect, share stories or offer me insights into your recovery/healing, I created beyonceshairflip at the gmailz just for this purpose. Because the name name me smile and I couldn’t think of anything else!
Wildkitten
What boots (for casual work days) should I get from the NAS?
NOLA
I think I mentioned this before, but I have two pairs of the Franco Sarto Linden boots and they are so comfortable. The heel/sole is rubber (although covered to look like wood). I wore them all winter and bought the second pair after I injured my knee and couldn’t really wear heels.
Wildkitten
Thank you!
Mer
Wondering if anyone has custom jewelry advice. I ordered a custom-made 18k white gold ring on etsy and recently received it in the mail. The thing is, the metal looks very dark – almost like silver, and not at all like the photo on etsy. I spent $$$ on the ring, so I want to make sure I got what I paid for. I was thinking if contacting the seller and explaining the appearance of the ring and asking whether they had a suggestion on how to clean it? How would I go about checking to see whether it’s actually 18k white gold? (That may be the problem, I honestly don’t know). I’d welcome any advice!
Wildkitten
Definitely contact the seller. I don’t know what to do if it turns out your seller is shady and it’s not really gold (probably an official etsy grievance process) but I ordered one item custom on etsy and my cat ended up breaking it and my jeweler repaired it for free. That was above and beyond, but makes me optimistic about contacting etsy craftspeople.
KT
Take it to a jeweler and ask them to appraise it. A professional will be able to tell if it’s silver, white golf, sterling silver, etc.
anonymous
Speaking of leopard print- I have a pair of haircalf leopard print flats, and the dye is fading. Is this something that a cobbler can fix?
Anonymous
Best first date questions? I already know my date through some friends and we’re being set up, so basics like hobbies are out.
Not the real Dwight Schrute
What kind of bear is best?
Anonymous
I assume this is a joke but I love bears and I would be totally psyched to discuss this on a date. The answer is sun bear, obviously.
BB
Do panda count?
Anonymous
Yes, pandas are bears. Koalas are not, despite the name. #bearexpert
Anonymous
Fact, bears eat beets.
Cb
And grapes! Trying to convince the in-laws in Vancouver to install a webcam so I can check in on their neighbourhood bear.
Anonymous
Do they have the same “I’m dying!!!” reaction every time they go to the bathroom after eating beets that I do? How quickly I forget . . .
KT
And watch Battlestar Galactica
Cb
If someone asked me this on a date, I’d be charmed. My colleague and I regularly discuss our preferred animals.
Sun bears ARE adorable, I’ll grant you that but spectacled bears are pretty darn cute as well. And spirit bears (Instagram search it) are incredible!
CountC
Same here. Fun question!
Libby
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
arya
this! hah
Terry
Childhood pets (and future pets) and vacations (past and imagined). Pokemon Go (people have very strong opinions on it, in my experience).
CMC
I use “What was your favorite childhood vacation?”, too. That and “What are you reading lately?”
Goatsgoatsgoats
“Would you rather…?” It’s fun to play even with people you know really well, and a fun way to get to know people you don’t know well (provided they’re willing to be a good sport about it)
nutella
The best first dates are the ones where conversation flows naturally, but I have some questions that I think are good/fun. I even use them when meeting people generally and not just when I was dating.
What was your first concert? When/where? It’s a fun segue into music tastes, what people like to do for fun, who they hang out with, etc. You can change this to anything, but a lot of people don’t remember their first movie, for example. Another fun one: what has been your favorite birthday and what did you do? Great insight into what people like do do in their free time: camp? Travel to Rio? Go skydiving? Take cooking classes? Throw a huge party? Have the most incredible meal with close friends at a restaurant in town?
There’s no right or wrong answer, they are just fun conversation starters.
Senior Attorney
My son and I play “top five.” Like “name your top five movies!” “Name your top five songs!” You can do bands, cities, whatever. It’s a good icebreaker.
Anon
I love this! So many times people try and corner you on your absolute #1 most favorite book or movie or whatever. I like having the option of five :)
Badlands
+1 – I HATE (with an unreasonable passion) having to pick one. Or declare the favorite of all time. That’s not how I work! You can’t make me pick just one!
Senior Attorney
Top Five is great because the way we play it, it’s just “what are your top five at this very moment in time?” No pressure, no commitment!
Also, we do Top Five Favorites vs. Top Five (what we think are the) Best. Because “favorite” and “best” are not always the same thing…
Badlands
Usually, it comes down to the top 5 I can think of (and like) because my on the spot recall for that kind of stuff is horrible. I can really like something in the moment and I’ll have forgotten all about it, until I rediscover it at a future point in time and remember how much I like it.
This should have been a sign of the end of the relationship when an ex (well past the getting to know you phase) was making conversation by asking me what my favorite color was. I replied that I didn’t have a favorite, but I was really digging coral and turquoise (or something) at the moment. His reply was “No, what’s your favorite color?” It’s like he wasn’t even listening.
Constant Reader
A fun game I like to play is similar to would you rather but more of an either or. Like, Biggie or Tupac? Vanilla or Chocolate? Red or White? Books or Magazines? Cute way to find out a person’s tastes or preferences
Libra
Does anyone have recommendations for a place to stay or region of the Northern California foothills that would be a 3-4 hour drive from San Francisco? Shorter drive is better. I’m looking for a long weekend somewhere warm (or hot!) with nature, maybe a stream/river for lazing next to. I’d like to rent a small house with hot tub, but a rustic cabin with outdoor fire pit would be okay too. Not into the work involved with camping at the moment, and enjoy some walking in the woods, but not major hiking. Mostly looking for easy place to relax and disconnect for a while. Any recommendations from the hive?
Anonymous
Don’t have specific recs but look into Mendocino County. It meets your description well.
Libra
Thanks! I always assume Mendocino will be cold and foggy in the summer, but maybe I’m just thinking of the beach areas? Where else should I look?
Lorelai Gilmore
Yes! You want to go to the Russian River area and rent a house with a hot tub along the river or up near Austin Creek. Check Russian River Getaways for good rentals. Great hiking, close to the beach, in the redwoods, near delicious wine.
Libra
Looks like some good options, thanks for the rental agency recommendation!
Scarlett
Second this – I love Cazadero – it’s in the RR area, but woodsy & really remote.
Anonymous
Monterey! You can explore Big Sur, there is an amazing lighthouse hike, some good food options and the aquarium. The aquarium is awesome, particularly the feedings.
Lobbyist
Sonoma or Mount Shasta
Anonattorney
Experience with Betsey Johnson dresses? I have never tried on any of her work-wear, but there’s a ton of stuff I like in the NAS. I am hesitant to pull the trigger, however, because I keep having flashbacks to 90s babydoll dresses. Does anyone know how these fit?
AnonInfinity
I’m wearing one right now! I’m an exaggerated pear and usually wear a 12. I ended up getting a 10 because the 12 didn’t even come close to fitting up top. The dress is so comfy, stretchy enough to be a big forgiving, it has sleeves. The fabric is nice. I’m 5’4″, and it hits right at my knees. It’s my favorite dress, and I’m definitely going to be buying more from that brand.
This is the one I have, but in black: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/betsey-johnson-puffed-sleeve-scuba-sheath-dress/4384212?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=RUBY
Anonattorney
Thanks! Maybe I’ll give it a try!
Anonymous
I don’t know anyone in my real life who will appreciate and understand the importance of this article, so I’m sharing it here in case it resonates with any of you: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/07/25/the-new-meaning-of-whiteness
EB0220
Did anyone buy that JCrew Factory Sheath dress that was featured a few weeks ago? I bought it in two colors, and it’s awesome. I didn’t realize from the listing, but it looks like it has pockets. I’m afraid to cut them open lest they gap and annoy me forever. Any personal experience with this?
KT
They gape forever and don’t sit right. I made that mistake and hit myself and ended up buying another one.
EB0220
Thanks! That’s what I was afraid of. I’ll resist the temptation because gapping is worse than carrying my phone.
EB0220
In other news, you’re totally right and it should be gape, not gap! Hah. Pockets distract me.
Anonymous
No need to get rid of the original! Take it to a tailor and have the pockets stitched up permanently. The original stitching is only temporary and will come out eventually anyway.
Cat
Keep them shut for sure.
EB0220
Will do. Thanks!!
Beans
Guys. Any thoughts on Cruz at the RNC last night? He scares me to death, but I’ve got to say I kinda enjoyed what he did last night. Trump was a fool to let him on the stage, but that’s what happens when you can’t get many sitting politicians to come and support you.
Anonymous
I despised Cruz even more than I despised Trump for a long time, although Trump is now such a wild card that the thought of him having the nuclear codes really scares me. But overall I think Cruz is much further to the right, much smarter, and much more evil. Trump is just a dumb narcissist. But I have to say I really enjoyed and respected what Cruz did last night (even though I know he probably just did it hoping to position himself well for 2020 in the event Clinton wins this year, and not because he really has any principles). I also have a lot of respect for Kasich for turning down the VP offer and for Romney, Bush(es) and McCain for declining to come to the convention and/or speaking out against him. I really hope all this drama helps Hillary because, as contentious as the Democratic primary was, Bernie has finally endorsed her and the party is now unified in a way the Republican party is not.
Anon
My favorite Republican moment of this campaign season was Barbara Bush asking how in the world a woman could ever vote for Trump after what he said about Megyn Kelly.
just me
I’ve been avidly watching the RNC all week, but the thing that struck me most was comparing the pictures of the Capitol Hill interns. One look at the Paul Ryan selfie makes you realize that the GOP is doomed. The demographics are simply against them. Even if you manage to pull a Trump victory in November (unlikely), there is simply no way they can win if their voting population consists of only white folks.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2016/07/20/the-story-behind-congresss-dueling-intern-selfies/
Anonymous
Yeah. Those photos were really telling.
Anon
I had the opposite take. I think he shouldn’t have come if he wasn’t going to endorse. He could have stayed away like Kasich (also a horrible representative considering the RNC is in his state). But as one of the CNN commentators said after Cruz’s speech, you don’t come to someone else’s party, enjoy the food and “piss on the carpet.” Or whatever her analogy was. Basically Cruz looked like a sore loser attempting to launch his next campaign. It was all about ego, not the good of the party. Kinda like Bernie up to last week. I had no respect for Cruz to begin with, but it’s at negative numbers now. His own delegates booed him because they expected better.
I think Trump won the moment in fact. Trump approved the speech knowing that Cruz wouldn’t endorse. Trump came off as the bigger man who was about uniting the party by extending an invite to all the losers. Even Cruz supporters can see that Trump extended an olive branch, gave him a prime time slot, and didn’t ask for Cruz to endorse him in return. Hardly the move of a dictator. Instead Cruz gets booed off stage and his big moment is overshadowed by Trump walking into the arena at the exact time Cruz is getting to the non-endorsement. Trump planned it well. The fact that Trump somehow comes out on top in these kinds of situations is exactly why I think Hillary is in for a tougher fight than people realize. And I say that as a Democrat.
anon-oh-no
Trump asked him to come and apparently reviewed his speech and knew he was not going to endorse him yet still wanted him to come.
TK
First (and very, very likely last) thing Cruz has done that I wholeheartedly support.
Anonymous
+1
Never too many shoes
Yup. I loathe Cruz with the force of a thousand suns…but one good troll deserves another.
Anon
This is both hyperbolic and absurd. But you know that picture from Nazi Germany that is a bunch of people at a Hitler rally doing the arm salute, and there’s one guy in the crowd not doing it? I am not a republican, and I don’t like Cruz at all… but I just had this moment of thinking “huh, maybe if Trump is elected and our country turns into the fourth Reich, someday Cruz will be remembered for standing up against Trump like that guy in the Hitler picture.”
Move from Government to In-house
The recent questions about moving in-house have me wondering if it’s possible to move in-house from a federal government position. I have only worked in the government (at two different agencies) since law school, and I am starting to feel some burnout with the red tape. I’m also a Supervisor and don’t see many other positions I can move into in which I can continue to grow. I am wondering specifically about opportunities moving on from a Regulatory Agency. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know your thoughts!
anon
I think it depends on the agency and the industry. Roles focused on compliance or specific types of government contracting come to mind.