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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Does anyone have a meditation app or program they love? Where/when do you meditate? How has meditation helped you? I would like to try meditation as a way to clear my mind and make me more present but I am not sure where to start. There is so much on the internet about this but I am having a hard time weeding through it all so I am looking for recommendations. Thank you!
Anonymous
Does anyone have a meditation app or program they love? Where/when do you meditate? How has meditation helped you? I would like to try meditation as a way to clear my mind and make me more present but I am not sure where to start. There is so much on the internet about this but I am having a hard time weeding through it all so I am looking for recommendations. Thank you!
GovAtty
I honestly love and can’t recommend Headspace enough. It sounds so corny to say, but this app changed my life – especially the Anxiety and Stress series. It does cost an annual fee, but I find it worth it!
anon
I like Insight Timer a lot. I wanted something free and simple as an intro to meditation, and this has checked those boxes for me (and I like the guided meditations).
Marie
Love insight timer for the relaxing music, as well. I sometimes put it on if I can’t sleep.
Hmmm
I started using Calm a few months ago and really like it. They offer a free trial, and I was able to get a 25% code for a subscription by messaging them on Instagram. I also tried 10% Happier (love Dan Harris but didn’t like the format as much), Shine, and Headspace but I actually found myself missing Calm while using the others. Most of the apps have some sort of “where to get started” program and then you can move on to more specific meditations focused on things like anxiety, better sleep, better focus, etc. from there. Calm has a ten minute “Daily Calm” meditation that is different every day and most days I just do that.
A lot of people seem to meditate in the morning, but for me sometime between when I get home from work and just before bed seems to work better.
MKB
Re: the apps, I had a similar experience. Calm had a sale around this time last year and I actually bought the lifetime subscription (I think it was 50% off).
I used an app to meditate for 10 minutes or so in the morning for a long time (maybe two years) and now I meditate just with a timer for about 30 minutes most mornings. If I’m feeling antsy I do the Calm daily meditation instead, and sometimes I do the daily one in the evening for a little additional boost.
Anonymous
Headspace isn’t popular here, but I’m a fan. It has helped enormously with my ability to sleep, which in turn helps with clarity when I’m awake. The cute animations! The zillions of options!
Anonymous
The Waking Up app by Sam Harris. It has a really lengthy intro course that I’m working on. A friend really enjoyed it and recommended it to me and she has tried all the meditation apps.
Anon
I used to really like Duke’s app The Fabulous. I stopped using it when it went through an awkward monetization transition, and I haven’t tried it since. Maybe I should try it again this year!
Anon
Any tips on improving how much you remember from things you read? I feel like I can read something and a month later forget most of what I read. I highlight, underline, etc. when I read but it just doesn’t seem to stick. I made it through law school but I did have to study a lot. Is this just me getting older? Do I just have a bad memory? Anyone else have this issue? Tips for improving on this?
Anon
Every few pages (or paragraphs), pause, look away and repeat to yourself what you just read. Helps me when I feel like I’m zoning out.
Anon
In those circumstances, I first make sure that I’m getting enough sleep, food, and exercise, and my stress is under control. Those things will have a massive impact on memory.
Anonymous
Are you reading . . . or attempting to learn? If this is material you need to learn, then you have to slow down and do what it takes to make it stick: summarize it, talk about it, process it and integrate it into your activities or skill sets, etc. If
I find it easiest to learn when I have direct application of what I’m reading — when I need it to solve a problem or when I put it to use in some way. If I just read it, then no, I don’t remember it.
Leatty
The only thing that works for me is to take notes while I read. It forces me to focus and retain the information I read.
Anonymous
+1 Take notes/outline. Sometimes handwritten helps me retain better.
Anon
I saw a friend do this at bookclub.
Buy a pack of “planner cards” or “pocket cards” – thicker wallet-sized paper with space to write. Use that as your bookmark, but take notes on items that stand out as you read. Like “pg 14 – Live love laugh” or “pg 320 – OMG can’t believe Mark is the bad guy!!!” Then if it’s your book, keep it in the book itself so you have a reminder of what the book was about. If it’s a library book or borrowed from a friend, write the title/author on top and keep them in a little business card case so you can go back and reference old books.
It’s basically Goodreads (an online book-tracking website/app) but in paper form. And the act of physically writing it down helps it stick better than typing it on your phone.
anon
Oh, I like this. Especially for nonfiction books.
Anonymous
Are you talking about notecards? Is this a thing that is not recognized by your generation?
nona
For non-fiction, try to incorporate what you are reading into what you already know. Hang it on your knowledge framework. Figure out a way to assimilate the knowledge- either via writing/taking notes, or stopping every so often to talk yourself through what you just learned. If you are reading something you are interested in, you’re more likely to remember.
For fiction books – I don’t worry about remembering details. Means I can re-read the book if I want to. I’ll generally remember if I liked it (or not), but won’t be able to do point by point plot discussion. And I’m okay with that.
Anonymous
I sometimes write a summary of what I have read. The process of distilling it in my mind and then physically writing something down helps me retain the information. I also sometimes say the information outloud while walking around. (This is when I am trying to prepare for oral argument or something.)
Anon
Work has been hellish, I woke up in a bad mood, and I’m over this week. I just want it to be vacation. Help.
Hmmm
Sorry! We’re almost halfway through the week!
Sharon
+1 same
pugsnbourbon
Same. I saw the title of this post and my first thought was “it’s only Wednesday? Seriously??!!?!”
Clock
I started a timer on my phone for now until my train to vacation leaves on Saturday morning. I used to do that leading up to the end of finals in college and it just helps me “celebrate” that time is moving a bit
SF Anon
+10000. Plus I woke up with a sore throat… ugh. Let’s hang in there!!
Anonymous
same here. this week needs to end.
CountC
Same, plus a 21 hour travel day yesterday!
Anonymous
Same, plus a number of coworkers are out, and I need them. Who takes vacation the week before the holidays?!
anon
Help me choose a thoughtful gift for the BIL who often gets overlooked on Christmas morning? He’s an architect by trade and artist by habit, and I actually have a lot of mutual interests, so I feel like I should be having an easier time with this. But…my go-to gifts are books and cozy warm things, and he’s a non-English-speaker from a tropical country…
Z
Coffee table book of architecture or an artist he admires?
Anonymous
What kind of art? My friends who paint love getting brushes from their favorite brand, and gift certificates for art supplies or framing.
anon
Architect here…gift card to MoMa Design Store, Muji, Uniqlo, or other “design-focused” company? Gift certificate to a local art supply store? Other well-designed things…Zojirushi travel mug, travel case. etc? Think minimal and designed with intention..it’s all in the details :)
I think I finally escaped the dreaded Frank Lloyd Wright (and knockoff) gifts from my family…
anon
I also like society 6 for artsy pieces.
Anonymous
Perhaps look at the brand Hay for such well-designed items.
Anon
A puzzle or model of one of his favorite buildings? A fancier or vintage version of a tool that he uses?
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Leda-Art-Supply-Softbound-Sketchbook/dp/B00YVS969S?psc=1&SubscriptionId=AKIAIA3UEVTLIG7AIKFA&tag=thearcsgui07-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B00YVS969S
A sketchbook, particularly one that’s good quality and will lay flat.
Anonymous
Architecture book with gift receipt tucked in the front – maybe Building with Timber: Paths into the Future by Hermann Kaufmann? Or Frank Lloyd Wright puzzle from Uncommon Goods?
Anon
Does he like to read? Could you get him a book in his native language? Depending on the language, you still might be able to find something at a Barnes and Nobel. If it is a more uncommon language, it might be too late for this year but an idea to try in the future.
Anon
A good book and one of the LEGO architecture series kits. Seriosuly, everyone loves to put together a lego on Christmas Day.
Anon
You should do this.
potato
Cooper Hewitt gift store item?
Anonymous
1. Local art-supply store b/c some of us are tactile and like different pencils and paper.
2. Levenger — specifically, their personalized 3×5 cards, envelopes, and monogrammable card wallets.
Anonymous
Museum membership, walking tour, or similar experience gift
Angela
What do you mean he often gets overlooked?
OP
Thanks for the ideas, everyone. I think I’ll probably look for a coffeetable book, tis year. I’ve done sketchbooks before, and anything experiential would be hard since they live far away. Building with Timber looks great, but seems to be out of print, so hopefully I can find something comparable.
Houda
Warning: Body image
I am overworked and tired and mad at my managing partner (reminds me of Ellen) for assigning random extra work this close to the Christmas break while he is going to the gym to fill his time.
But, today I managed to fit into my thick ponte tapered cobalt blue pants from 4 years ago. They are the only pants I kept post weight gain. Now, I go to the bathroom on client site every couple hours to check myself out, then back to my workstation with a large grin.
Silver lining yall
Anon
Hive five, Houda!
Go for it
Clapping!!
NOLA
Yay! Go Houda! Unfortunately, the pants I kept were out of style or didn’t fit the same years later, but so happy for you.
Anonymous
Look at you (pun intended)! Well done.
Ellen
Hurray’s to Houda! You are to be congratuealated for being abel to get into a pair of pants that are 4 year’s old! My tuchus will simply not allow for me to do it this time of year, but I hope to go on a diet after January 1, so that in June, I will be abel to go to the Hamton’s and fit back into my size 2 bikini; tho I am pretty sure size 4 is in order for me next year. Happy Holidays to the ENTIRE HIVE! YAY!!!!
Anon
I love your updates – still exited for the Fold London items I’ve got because of you. With your style, any size is exeptional, but I’m so exited that you’ve been happy with the trouser sweet spot. :-)
Pocket Listings
My city used to be squarely on MLS but now realtors I. Some neighborhoods that are close-in and walkable and popular and pushing pocket listings. I can’t figure out how these are better for sellers (or buyers, for that matter). Is there a way of thinking of these in a way that makes sense?
Anonymous
in popular neighbors they don’t need to list and prep their house for showings/open houses and show to a whole bunch of people if they can get basically their asking price or close to it by just showing the house to one or two people. Both my house and the house next door sold off market even though we are in a small Cdn city, it’s a super popular neighborhood and the neighbors always know someone looking to buy in the neighborhood so there’s just no need to go to market to get full ask.
Anonymous
But it’s $, no? And if stuff will sell fast, why not go for the $ via MLS? I never really believe agents who claim to have “lots of buyer contacts,” esp if they mainly rep sellers.
Anonymous
Because they don’t want to deal with people going through their house or prepping their house for the market. We paid $15K more than the assessed value because it was off market and our next door neighbor got full ask two days before it went on the market. And that’s in a market that’s otherwise down 11% for the year. A popular neighborhood will always sell fast and don’t underestimate how much hassle showings and open houses are for people with kids and/or pets if they are living in the property while selling it. Not everyone has someone who can run home to take the dog out while the house is being shown on the middle of the day on a Tuesday.
Anon
I would sell my house this way if I could. When I sold my last house and had a couple of open house weekends, someone kicked a hole in my deck and broke a cabinet door off its hinge.
The original Scarlett
It’s helps with speed, and you avoid things like staging, open houses, fixing stuff that can be a hassle especially if you’re in a hot market where going to bid won’t change much.
Anonymous
Does that mean that things are sold as-is and no haggling is expected? Like “if you don’t buy it for X, then they may list on MLS so you had better act now if you really want this house”?
Because with some houses, people sell them around me as basically 7-figure fixers, still needing cosmetic updates and maybe opening up kitchens that are closed in and dark. I can’t think that they’d do better when it is often that someone has died / moved into assisted living and the kids are offloading the house in Vienna or Arlington b/c no one of them can afford to buy out the others. My MIL’s house will be one of those — untouched cosmetically since it was built in the 1980s, but walkable to the metro.
The original Scarlett
Yeah it’s totally location dependent but in my area (SF/Bay Area) you aren’t haggling, you’re trying to make a big offer that gets accepted. With pocket listings, seller don’t need to market the property, and high likelihood of a great offer that matches market. You’re only giving up the potential for a huge bidding war, but if your place needs work then it’s a good up option to avoid that and still get a good offer
Anon
With the full caveat that I haven’t actually done this, so there may be other issues I haven’t fully thought through… but…I own a house in a close-in, walkable & popular neighborhood that is probably not our “forever” home. My husband and I have at least entertained the idea of doing a pocket listing one day, because while we don’t need to sell at any given moment there is always some level of an aspirational price where we probably would. So I believe we could do a pocket listing, see if we get that aspirational price, and if we don’t – oh well, we just go on living there anyway & there are no red flags on official data bases that we tried to sell our house and didn’t (which would have the potential to look like there is something wrong with the house). I don’t know that that necessarily works out better for the buyer other than it makes one more house available in a very low inventory area that would otherwise not be available (since we aren’t at a point yet where we want to do a traditional sale and take what we get).
Anonymous
In those neighborhoods, don’t they usually have bidding frenzies or at least competing bids? I have a teardown near where Amazon’s HQ2 is going, and if I wanted to sell it, I’d list it to get the widest exposure possible, but do broker’s open houses before listing and then do what my neighbors do:
1. Move out for a weekend; listing goes live F night.
2. Announce in listing that offers will be considered on M morning at 10.
3. Price house maybe 5% under what you think it will sell for.
Their houses, even if teardowns, have sold quickly and always with competing bids (which you want — that way, people will compete with downpayments and all cash and waiting random contingencies). They are inconvenienced just once and have it done quickly. But it’s always on MLS and always highly promoted before it launches.
The key is to have a place you’re going to next already lined up (or be living there already).
Anon
I had a teardown near yours and sold via pocket listing. I wanted privacy and discretion, and did not want to let lots of folks know how bad my parent let my childhood home get because they saw it on Redfin. It’s not hard to get multiple offers without MLS when your target market is the small group of excellent professional builders.
Anonymous
That’s probably true. I get a postcard from a builder / investor at least weekly, if not more often than that. I ought to maybe save them and bcc a RFP to them just to see if there is a consensus #. I so fear selling though b/c I may need to move back for work and would probably would be priced out beyond Fair Oaks (which has happened to friends).
Anonymous
Another example is my co-worker’s situation where she has problematic family members and did not want the selling price of her house to be widely advertised as it would be with an MLS list price.
Anon with teardown who sold via pocket listing
Yes! Save those postcards and make a note of the reputable builders. I think I could have come out ahead financially if I had reached out for bids without using a realtor. My life was such that I couldn’t add marketing a house to my list of things to do at the time, so it was worthwhile to spend on realtor fees. If I had a teardown to sell in that area now that my life is calmer, I’d try my luck on my own first.
Anon
Yes, there are competing bids and bidding frenzies for houses in my neighborhood (we competed in one to get the house in the first place). But in my scenario we would have an aspirational dollar amount in mind that we would be willing to sell for even though we don’t need to sell at all, and that aspirational amount is perhaps more than what we think even a bidding frenzy would guarantee. And maybe that means we won’t get the aspirational amount ever, but I can think of a couple of scenarios where having time on our side (which listing on MLS doesn’t really allow for) could potentially lead to getting it. And if we didn’t get it, as noted, it would be fine too… we would just continue to live here then.
Anonymous
Wouldn’t that just annoy an agent that needs to sell houses to make $? Or does it help them establish their reputation as a “person with secret leads and listings”? For price privacy, don’t people just go on zillow for estimates and if they are really ambitious look up selling prices in county recorders offices?
This is all now wildly fascinating!
Anon
Price privacy is non-existent, at least in all locations I have ever lived in. Among all the other things, the price is still listed on redfin even if it is a private sale. They just get the data from the recorders offices, since it is all public
Anonymous
A lot of people are not aware enough to look up the registered selling rice. If it’s not listed for sale of MLS, they may not know that it sold at all let alone how to look up how much it sold for
Anon
(I’m the anon at 12:46) So to be fair, I’m in the Bay Area which is it’s own animal with real estate. That is partly why just going on Zillow and knowing that estimate is what you should get or have to bid isn’t always going to be the case. There are so few transactions in some areas & the houses are often fairly unique that there could be a wide range of outcomes, & even estimates in the different websites for the same house can vary somewhat meaningfully. Not sure if a private listing that didn’t end up happening would annoy the agent. I imagine there are some positive offsets to them too, like not having to do the “official” open houses, staging, knowing we will eventually sell one way or the other and hopefully use them even if it’s not right now, etc.
Price privacy after the fact would not be my thing to be concerned about, as is mentioned by some of the others as rationale. I also have seen even private sales listed on redfin after the fact, and assumed that would always be the case. In the pocket listing scenario I would personally be more interested about the privacy during the sale process for the reasons originally listed.
AFT
Do these listings *ever* go on the MLS? When I sold a house ~5 years ago, my realtor did a lot of word of mouth and did some showings the day before it hit the MLS. The buyer visited the day before it went on the MLS (a Thursday I think), and made an offer within 48 hours (so we listed Friday/offer Saturday evening). It wouldn’t have made sense for us to stay as a pocket listing, but I think “this isn’t even on the MLS yet!” & sneak peeks for desirable/high interest listings may make things move faster? We were lucky to be selling at a price point where there weren’t many comparables in the area – if the listing is similar to a lot of other options, I don’t seen any benefit to pocket listings.
If someone is only half-heartedly listing their house, I could also see it being a compromise as then they aren’t having to do lots of showings/open houses (which are rough if you don’t keep your house in showing-quality shape and/or have small kids and pets that need to be moved out for showings).
Anon
I’m wondering if any of the readers here with more time-consuming, travel-oriented active hobbies can comment on how they manage household stuff and life at the same time – basically how do weekend warriors do it all? I love traveling, backpacking in the summer, and skiing in the winter, but when Monday rolls around and I’m behind on clean clothes and food, it does make my week a little stressful. I don’t want to stay home just to do laundry (the horror), but I have a long commute during the weekend and it’s a bit hard to find time and motivation to get it all done then. Any tips?
Anonymous
You have to plan for it with more planning that I’d like. For me, with three kids, I have to do one load of laundry every evening otherwise it piles up too much for the weekend. Grocery shopping involves a trip to Costco every second month to stock up on dry goods and non-perishables like pasta and frozen fruit/veg. Grocery shop for extras and fresh fruit/veg during the week but use the app to pre-order so they just bring it to my car vs have to go in and shop. Ski clothes goes in the washer as soon as we get home. Weekly cleaners (upped from biweekly) to keep sheets changed, floors and bathrooms clean.
Anonymous
The weekend before the trip, I blast through as much stuff as I can. I pack, pay bills and also stock up on things like tinned chili and soup that will keep. I also have enough clothing in key categories that laundry isn’t a pressing thing.
Anon
I’m a little bit like this but not with skiiing. It’s tough to fit everything in. You have to be more flexible with your weekday evenings, and do things ahead of them needing to be done (ie don’t wait until you have no underwear, do a load Wednesday night). You might look into freezer meals, especially if you have an Instant Pot.
Notinstafamous
Outsourcing and lowered standards!
Cleaning person comes once a week and does laundry & cleans. Capsulewe make one big batch of something for the week Sunday night overnight in the crock pot and that’s lunches for the week. Dog is walked twice a day while we’re at work. Dinner is often at work. Also no kids.
Notinstafamous
*capsule wardrobe & we make… sorry typed too fast!
Anon
When I go out of town for the weekend, which isn’t every weekend for me but more like 2 weekends a month, I do my household stuff during the week. Assuming I get back late on Sunday, I often do my laundry on Monday night because I want to get my gross outdoors clothing washed ASAP. For grocery shopping, I tend to do that at the end of the week before I travel, often on a Thursday, so I can also pick up food for the trip. Then my meals for the following week are pretty basic, easy to make stuff. For cleaning, I’ve just kind of lowed standards so I don’t worry about the fact that I’m not, for example, vacuuming every week or whatever.
At the end of the day, your choices are to do it during the week or during the weekend. You can lower your standards on some things and do stuff like online grocery ordering with delivery, but some stuff just needs to get done at some point.
Anonymous
I grocery shop Monday’s after work and do laundry Thursday night, fold and put away Friday morning, always leave the kitchen clean, and have a housekeeper.
anon a mouse
Telework helps a ton with this— I usually have laundry going, even if I don’t fold it.
If that’s not an option for you, toss a load in before you leave for the day. When you get home, put it in the dryer first thing. It will be ready to fold after dinner. I also bought extra underthings so I can go longer if I have to.
For food — make a couple of freezer meals ahead, so that when you return from a weekend you can just add bagged salad to a lasagna or enchiladas or whatever and have an easy dinner.
Anon
When prepping for the weekend, extend that prep through Tuesday. I often need to do some laundry to have the gear I need for camping, so I’m going to throw in what I can so I have clean work clothes as well. I have to spend time getting all my stuff together for the trip, so I’m also going to make sure the things I need for work are also in one centralized place. I have to go to the store to get snacks and food, so I’m going to make sure I have simple meals for Monday and Tuesday when I get back. I don’t usually do grocery pick up, but if I’m out of town all weekend, I will put together a grocery order while waiting to board the plane so I can just pick it up after work.
Anon
Thanks for the helpful responses everyone! I confess my cleaning standards are already pretty low, but the Roomba has helped a lot and we are also considering getting a house cleaner to come biweekly. It sounds like that’s been helpful for a lot of women here, hobbies or otherwise.
Is it Friday yet?
Lowered standards and owning a lot of clothes/linens. I can easily go a month plus without doing laundry (though obv try not to!), and it’s easy not to be bothered if your apartment isn’t perfectly clean if you’re never home (and you create less mess). I’d clean/do laundry after work during the week, except most days I go straight to the climbing gym and don’t get home until at least 9:30 (usually later after grabbing food/drinks with friends after climbing). I don’t have an in-unit washer/dryer (I share with the other three apartments in my brownstone), so I can’t leave things in the machines at all, which makes it trickier to time. I don’t eat at home that much, and it’s frequently seamless if I do. Generally, I end up doing things en masse, on a weekend day with cruddy weather – so how tidy my apartment is depends on the weather as much as anything! It’s all a trade-off, and I’d rather have a social life and climb and ski and ride horses than have a perfect apartment. :)
Anon
I work a 9/80 schedule and during the spring and summer especially, I cram as much as I can into my 9/80 Friday – errands, appointments, shopping etc. – so we can leave or hit the ground running on Saturday mornings and not have to worry. I also sometimes do Instacart grocery delivery so that’s taken care of and we don’t have to slot it into the weekend. Transparently, more than one Sunday night this last summer saw me up still cleaning and doing laundry at midnight. It’s a tradeoff not everyone is up for but we live to be outside – we definitely do not live to work and mostly see our jobs as the things that enable us to hike, camp, fish, backpack, cycle, swim, etc. We live in a climate where our window for doing outdoor activities is defined so we try to cram as much in as we can during that window.
Anon
OP here and I totally agree with your line about “not living to work” – I’m basically trying to organize my life to enable the things I love! Work and house cleaning and everything else are so much lower on the priority list – just need to find ways to get the basics done so it doesn’t backfire stress-wise.
Flats Only
I grocery shop and do laundry and clean while the laundry is going every other weekend. It leaves every other weekend free to do whatever we want.
Angela
I use a wash n fold laundry service. They pick up the dirty clothes on Monday and return them on Tuesday clean and folded.
I also do grocery delivery and use the app to add things to my cart as they come up.
Anon
Does anyone have a dog harness for the car that they love? My goal is to keep my dog contained more than car accident safety. I have two dogs. One is a saint. The other has started losing his mind on his way to daycare because he gets so excited. I have one of those backseat hammock things and he just jumps right over it so his back paws are on the rear seat and front paws are on my center console. He also will put his paws up on the back front seats and stick his head between the front window and head rest. He is a large dog and I don’t think I can fit his crate in my SUV.
I want one that doesn’t require him to seat in perfect position to get it hooked up. He stands in the back seat when he first gets in until he sits or lays down on normal rides or until he goes bananas on daycare rides.
I’m considering pulling down the hammock thing since it doesn’t stop him anyway and maybe he will sit or lay on the floor of the car (he did that when he was a pup) but I think when he is excited he is just going to bounce around the car in a dangerous and distracting way unless I restrain him some how.
I’m currently reaching one arm back and holding his collar for the 10 minute ride but this is not a long term plan and kills my shoulder!
rosie
We had the Petco brand one and it worked well. You could clip the seat belt directly to the harness, or it came with a tether if you wanted to give the dog a little more room to move (although that could be distracting for you if the dog gets tangled in it).
Anon
Go with a smaller crate if you need to in order to fit it in the car. As long as he’ll fit inside, it’s fine for a shortish trip.
CountC
I use clips that plug right into the seatbelt buckle thing itself and then clip onto the harness the dog is wearing. like this https://pawsafe.co/products/dog-seatbelt?variant=15912902393930&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&campaign=8118978914&content=397141543636&adgroupid=83447443909&keyword=&device=c&network=u&placement=&gclid=Cj0KCQiAuefvBRDXARIsAFEOQ9GzrmnIP-9_SQCpjsqifD_TM2fhO8yFXBX18IasXWDd8SJC8ON_CXMaAjdKEALw_wcB
Anon
This looks perfect!! We already have a harness that fits him. Thank you!
Anon
You could also consider s pressure grate. That would keep them out of the front of the car, but it’s easy than messing with individual harnesses. Especially worn now than one dog.
Dealtwiththis
We use SleepyPod Clickit Sport for our Dane and German Shepherd. It’s the only one that has been crash tested. It works well! They can sit or lie down throughout the whole trip.
OP
Just fyi, when I tried to harness my car-unhappy dog, he got in a biting fight with the loves-car-rides dog, and they otherwise never squabble.
Anon
Looking for advice/stories on how you have figured out what direction to take next in life. Trying to figure out if I look for a new job outside my current organization, look for a new job within my current organization (moving around is pretty easy, but it would probably require a move to another city/country) or coast in my current job for the next year (I say coast because I feel like I’m outgrowing it and it offers a lot of flexibility that I don’t think I’ll find everywhere, I don’t ever usually ‘coast’ for the record) and focus on personal life (i.e., settle into relatively new city and start TTC with partner). Current job is ok but not for me longer term and I want to start a family soonish but not sure if it needs to be right now, which is why I’m trying to determine the best route to take at this crossroads. Feels like there’s too many options and I’m getting hung up on the picking one would close the door on others mentality. I’m 32, at a large consulting firm and feeling a little stuck if that influences the advice at all. Thanks!
Anonymous
If you’re 32 in a flexible job where you’d be entitled to maternity leave, and you’re starting TTC, I’d be inclined to stay in the job. You’d need to be employed elsewhere for a year in order to have a maternity leave entitlement so that would postpone TTC by at least a year. Flexibility is also helpful when you are first back to work with a newborn. And if you’re at a large consulting firm, there may be opportunities to move internally without losing your maternity leave entitlement. How practical would it be to move to another city or country for your partner? It sounds like you have a lot of big decisions on the horizon.
Anon
TTC would only have to be delayed a year if the OP wants to ensure coverage that requires a year of service if anything goes wrong at the beginning of pregnancy. For mat leave cover that requires a year of service, TTC only needs to be put off for a few months so that the baby is born after a year of service.
Anon
You’re not really asking the right questions.
The biggest issue is where you and your partner want to live long-term. Don’t move for the sake of moving; move because the new city offers you better opportunities. (Note: “opportunities” is highly subjective. Some people may prefer a city with more high-powered jobs; others may want to live somewhere with less traffic, less demanding hours, and a lower cost of living, which could make it easier to have two working parents.)
If you both want to be in a different city long term, then make a game plan for that.
Keep in mind that the question of jobs and family is highly dependent on how many children you want to have. You need to count backwards and determine, for example, that if you want 2 kids, want 2-3 years between them, and want to have your last one by age 37, then you should have one in the next two years.
I think you should also reframe your thinking. Eventually, you cannot do anything well if you are keeping the doors open for other things; your choices are to have all the doors close through indecision, or to let some of them close as you go through other ones.
Financial advisors?
Does anyone in here use one?
IMO if you can read Bogleheads, you are probably sophisticated enough that you don’t need a financial advisor.
But maybe I’m wrong? I feel like as a person in a profession deemed (often wrongly) to be high earning, I am plagued with fending them off (and having no way to meaningfully distinguish among them). But often in our lives it is easier to outsource, so I turn to you since everyone else with an opinion is trying to sell me something.
AnonInfinity
I use a financial adviser and love her. The key, to me, is that she’s fee only, so doesn’t earn any kind of commission or other incentives on any products. I found her by googling fee only financial planners in my area and would NEVER go with someone who isn’t fee only or anyone who approached me trying to sell any kind of financial service. Mine charges a flat fee every year instead of a percentage of my portfolio (the percentage based planners in my area required a large portfolio size that I’m nowhere near). She actively manages my investments (including retirement accounts). I really, really like this because I feel like I have an expert helping me and giving me tailored advice, and it makes me accountable to someone. I.e., the embarrassment of having to contact her and say I spent all my savings on nonsense, so I need to pull out of investments keeps me from spending too much of my savings on nonsense. I also like having someone who knows my entire financial picture to talk about potential insurance needs and large purchases.
I have another friend who does more the Bogleheads route, and she’s very happy with that. She’s very self motivated and directed, so she’s very happy to just mostly invest in index funds and tinker with it all herself. So, I think it depends a lot on your personality and ability/inclination to self direct.
Anonymous
There is a part of me ruined by having done audit work in my early 20s and a receivership of something that looked a lot like a ponzi scheme.
I get that you like her. Is there a way that you can see what the whole menu of options are that she can suggest and do you know that 1) she doesn’t select the same thing for everyone and 2) that she might recommend other things to people paying her more (which might make sense — rich people can buy a sports team or a fractional interest in one, for me, that is an illiquid asset that would be putting all of my eggs in one basket, so not an appropriate investment at all)? It may be fine (but it may not be — how on earth do you know???).
[I get cold calls all the time, even though for the longest time my student loans meant I had negative net worth, and I have a feeling that if I said that my non-retirement investable assets are maybe only $200K, all currently in Vanguard, I don’t know how someone would even be interested in that, much less be able to do better once we count in fees and taxes realized. That would be a very awkward exit “um, no thanks,” to that convo.]
Anonymous
Obviously you’re deeply hostile to the whole concept and not interested. Which is fine! Don’t have one then!
Anonymous
Not hostile at all — I really want to drink the Koolaid, but I just feel that I’m someone’s mark and I’ll never really be able to show myself what I get for the $. I could quantify the cost, but not the benefit. But that seems too easy of a cop-out — there has to be a way of knowing? Yes?
AnonInfinity
These are fair questions, and I’ve wondered if she just does the same thing for everyone. I know that it’s not a Ponzi scheme or similar, because the money is held in a Fidelity account, and I can log on and actually look at what the investments are and look them up if I want to (I did this in the beginning because I wanted to know).
It’s definitely possible that she’s doing the same investments or close to it for all of her clients, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’m getting a great return currently, and her other services are valuable to me, like having someone I can call and talk through big purchases and other financial situations, like recently taking a lower paying job and how that will impact my long term financial picture. We meet every six months or every year, and she can explain to me what every single investment is and why she chose that for me, based on my goals and risk tolerance.
Anonymous
This might be helpful — after fees and taxes, what is a great return? That may be a benchmark to use when evaluating people.
Like a fund has a morningstar rating, maybe advisors have them, too? Or at least a rate of return (and then I’d like to see 1, 5, and 10 year returns). Or is that asking too much? Or maybe exactly what is in marketing materials?
Ellen
You should start with your Dad, b/c he got all of us to where we are today, and mine does not charge me anything. All he wants is for me to stay svelte so that I can find a smart guy with a good job to marry me and take over all financial responsibility from him so that he can relax in the North Carolina outer bank. In your case, there may be some slight differences, but start there with Dad. If you have a smart mom, start with her, but my Dad is the financial wizard, haveing an MBA and PhD from Stamford and MIT.
Anonymous
We use vanguard. And after investing a certain amount / reaching a certain bracket, they have financial planners included (It’s either free or a small fee depending on your bracket).
Anonymous
Have you had a good experience with the financial planners in Vanguard? I’ve been wondering about using them but then wondering if it would be better to go with somebody more neutral.
January
I had a consultation with one of their financial advisors where they drew up a proposed investment plan for me. It seemed so simple and straightforward – basically the three-fund plan from Bogleheads – that I didn’t feel the need to sign on with the service. I would love to find a financial planner who could help with the actual planning aspect of things.
Anon
I don’t, for the same reasons you mentioned. Every few years, I consider getting a fee based planner. But every time I’ve meet with someone, they don’t have any good advice and instead just give me really basic information that I’ve been following for years and often don’t know things that I already know such as backdoor Roth IRAs.
I think if you find the right person, a fee only financial planner could be really helpful. But, IME, the vast majority are bad and it is really hard to find the few good ones. I just haven’t been willing to put in the work to find one of the very few good ones.
AFT
1) You can totally lie and tell financial advisors contacting you that you already work with someone – IME they back off pretty quickly when they know you’re “taken.”
2) I think I’m a smart person but don’t really want to spend the time & effort thinking about my finances or researching investments. I prefer having my fee-only advisor make recommendations that I can then ask my questions about instead of my researching the options myself (hi, lawyer here). I also think there’s an element of my advisor acting kind of like a personal trainer – he asks whether cash flow is adequate or if we could put more towards investment X the same way my trainer pushes me to do two more reps. Could I do both the exercises and the investments without them? Sure. But does working with someone else for accountability and coaching help? For me, yes.
3) I also have a lot of random questions that come up during the year (e.g., the time I lost my drivers license and needed a copy of it, needing to figure out which emergency fund/account/source we should use for a surprise home repair project) that my financial advisor has helped answer on an as-needed basis between annual planning meetings.
Anon
We use one, and I even work in finance. I get analysis paralysis when it comes to our own finances. I know more than enough to be dangerous, but the responsibility for our family’s finances falls squarely on me (or did pre-planner). It was a big mental load to bare and found that I was way too scared to make a misstep. I appreciate having a third-party adviser to validate my decisions and redirect me if needed. I also appreciate having a third-party voice who can give us some tough love when we’ve needed it, so that it’s not just me telling my husband news he (we) doesn’t want to hear… like, nope, can’t afford that new car right now.
When I updated my LinkedIn profile a while back to my new role/title, I started getting hounded. I had to fend them off whenever possible. Our decision to use one has nothing to do with being hotly pursued, but I feel you – it’s so frigging annoying. I was very careful in choosing a planner and made sure to only consider those I found via word of mouth and personal referral.
Sarabeth
I think Bogleheads etc is the way to go if you essentially are maxing out 401ks and IRAs but not much beyond that. If you are saving enough that you are out of tax-advantaged space, I think a financial advisor can help to make sure that you are making smart choices about what goes where. You can DIY that stuff, but it’s not entirely trivial. In this case, fee-only is the way to go. We go through Vanguard for this, because we don’t need super-complex stuff and are happy sticking to Vanguard products, and the fee is very reasonable.
Anonymous
I think that for someone who also does things like has rental properties and perhaps gets a K-1, you are maybe in a more sophisticated space than anyone but someone used to family offices can really handle.
I feel that investment advisors refer you around a lot to real estate / private client attorneys, appraisers, accountants, etc. All of which you can just see on your own.
Like I know someone who doesn’t have much in the way of investable assets b/c she owns a small apartment building that is an investment — financing that, refinancing that, insuring that, managing tenants, keeping up with laws, etc. is a serious PT business and a serious asset requiring active management. An investment advisor won’t get you into that and can’t really get you out of that (but will need to refer you to attorneys / brokers / accountants, and maybe hopefully has heard of 1031 and maybe also how a GRAT can give you a better result).
That’s isn’t what I do for a living at all, but if someone can’t do better than my random background knowledge, that person doesn’t have value to add.
Anon
I’m the same. I’m an actuary, so I’m not an investment professional but I work in finance and have a good understanding of how investments work.
I’ve been offered financial planning services before but so far I’ve found the people less numerate than me, and I’m not looking for hot stock tips on individual stocks, so I’m not sure what they could offer me that I don’t already do myself.
This is basically a 1% problem anyway. Most Americans don’t have any savings and live paycheck to paycheck.
Anon
I agree that all one needs is a decent level financial literacy, which is easy to get from reputable websites. I can see the value of an advisor for someone who wants a professional to tell them not to make reckless choices, though.
Maybe it’s different for folks who are at family office-level wealth? But those aren’t the advisors who are cold calling.
Anonymous
I get hit up by them all the time. I’ve noticed in my city, there are a lot of financial planners that cycle through financial firms, particularly NY Life. They all seem to be relatively young with little educational or employment experience. I just tell them I have one.
anon
I feel the same way. I work in accounting and I come from a financially literate but middle class family. I do the three fund Boglehead method. My husband’s an engineer, we live in a cheap part of the country and our net worth is fairly substantial. I see no reason to have a financial adviser, but I’m also not interested in diversifying into real estate, hybrid life insurance policies, random stocks or PTPs, or whatever shiny new thing brokers are pushing on their clients these days. Maybe someday I’ll feel inclined to do something more complicated, but don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with what I’m doing now. When I’m feeling disco, I invest in emerging markets mutual funds like the wild woman I am, haha.
I do think a lot of people get really intimidated by investing and finances, and I think that if you are in this category, it’s great to get a financial adviser if it means you will do SOMETHING other than stuffing your money under the mattress. Or panicking and doing nothing.
I think one reason professionals use investment advisers is as a referral source. If you have an adviser you like and have built a relationship with and refer your clients to, they might refer clients to you. I’ve seen this in some of the estate planning related work I’ve been involved in.
Anon
Where to buy nonexpensive wrapping paper for gifts? Bonus points if it’s somewhere that exists in Manhattan. In past years I’d generally pick some up at Papyrus or similar shops, but now that I’ve left biglaw (yay!) it dawned on me that those might not be the most cost-effective places to be shopping at…
Anon
TJ Maxx.
Anonymous
+1 for TJ Maxx for wrapping paper.
Anon
Literally anywhere? Target, CVS, Walgreens, Amazon…
Anonymous
grocery store or drug store. I’m sure the closest Duane Reade has a bin of it.
Anonymous
Duane Reade.
Anon
Dollar store, grocery store, pharmacy. Costco and Target have it for pretty cheap, but I assume you can’t get to those.
buffybot
I’ve had decent luck at CVS/Duane Reade. Depending on where you are in Manhattan, KMart or Target? Target actually has great wrapping paper, so if you don’t need it urgently and aren’t near a brick & mortar location, I would recommend ordering online. Finally I think Barnes & Noble also probably carries it but those locations are fewer than they used to be!
AFT
Dollar store, and I think Target has already started discounting christmas stuff.
Anon
OMG anywhere that’s not Papyrus — they charge like $9 for a card, so what’s wrapping paper like $20? I mean Manahttan is tough because you’re not going to take a $15 cab to Target to save $5 on wrapping paper so the most cost effective way to buy paper goods besides online is going to be Duane Reade, CVS etc. which stick to somewhat national pricing for things with a few $ adjustment upwards for NYC.
Anon
It’s not that bad. I just bought 4 rolls of wrapping paper at Papyrus for $16 this weekend. They have sales.
I like the thicker wrapping paper with grid lines or some sort of cutting guide. I can’t stand it when the super thin cheap wrapping paper tears at the corner of something as I’m wrapping it. It’s infuriating.
Anony
I totally feel you. I had the hardest time picking out wrapping paper this year because it was all childish/goofy/not-classy, or didn’t have grid lines, or was super thin. It is absolutely infuriating. Especially when you can’t find 3 or 4 rolls that match/compliment each other. In year’s past, Target’s Sugarpaper always had my favorite but they were all see-thru this year. The struggle is real.
Senior Attorney
And on that topic, did you all see the video on Facebook this weekend about how if you cut the wrapping paper too small, just rotate the box 45 degrees and it’ll fit? Blew my mind, man.
mascot
Those videos mesmerize me. See also- cooking, napkin folding.
I’ve found grid paper at Target. It doesn’t compare to the fancy thick stuff from Sally Foster or Papyrus, but it does the job.
Pompom
TJ Maxx, or Target, with the caveat that their Sugar Paper collab for wrapping paper is pretty solid. Grid lines, festive but not cheesy prints, and thick enough to be opaque and feel nice. I try to buy patterns and styles that can be reused throughout the year (polka dots in non-xmassy colors, etc). and they do the trick.
waffles
I have a huge roll from Home Depot (in Canada) which was very inexpensive and will easily last five years for us. It’s reasonably thick and has the grid lines on the back.
Anonymous
Hallmark store. Not expensive, and has a grid on the back.
Anon
Wow, love this dress!
I find I am in the habit of seeking out things like this dress to wear to work, but my workplace has gone casual to the point that I would only wear a dress like this to an outside meeting. I have plenty of those, but I also have plenty of things to wear for them and I should focus more on the casual side of business casual.
This is a tough transiston for me and just doesn’t seem as fun. Anyone else struggle with this?
Anonymous
We are casual at work. Like frighteningly casual.
We are not changing that, but moving into a building where other tenants are chic. I feel like this will bring on a bout of feeling like Andi in The Devil Wears Prada and I will up my game so as not to look so schleppy in the elevator.
Like today, it was freezing (below actually) and I just wanted to wear socks. And so I did. But my goes-with-socks outfit looks . . . not bad for a Saturday if I was in a Starbucks and wanted to look like a sharper suburbanite. But definitely not chic.
I hate, HATE bare skin in cold weather and am tired already of black tights. I want to wear pants and shoes, but my wool pants demand a shoe that leaves my feet/ankles cold. I am starting to miss nude hose and knee-highs to just chase off the chill!
Z
I interned at a business side of business casual company in college. I can’t begin tell you how much I hated wearing dress pants every day.
My current company is the casual side. I wear jeans every day! Usually dark wash from Madewell. I pair it with a Banana Republic merino sweater basically every day in the fall/winter, and in the spring/summer have some blouses sent from Stitch Fix. Always wearing either beige booties or vans sneakers.
There are also lots of women here that also dress up a bit more and wear dresses, but its very much wear whatever you want.
anon
Man, I wish my office would go in that direction!
Another thing to consider: take the dresses you love and pair them with leggings for a more casual vibe. I’m doing that today with a Boden ottoman dress and actually really like the vibe. I wouldn’t do it for meeting days, but the week before holiday break? Heck yes.
OP
Hmm I’m finding that pairing hard to imagine with my MM Lafleur dresses, but I guess I could see it if I had a bunch of more casual knit dresses, like t-shirt dresses.
I do appreciate not having to pull on tights every morning, not gonna lie about that.
I just feel kind of blah and frumpy in my casual wear. I know I need to step it up but I’m not sure how.
It doesn’t help that my office has moved from the city to a suburban office park where the Han Solo look is very much still happening.
Tip to KAT: you should survey how many of us really work in business formal environments any more. I feel like it’s mainly just the attorneys who do court appearances. I work in finance and everyone I know has a causal office now. I would really appreciate more office casual looks!
Anonymous
The blogs Putting Me Together or Jo Lynne Shane might help you with some casual, but not frumpy looks.
Anon
Thank you! I looked at those and … I don’t honestly see how Jo Lynne Shane looks current at all. Sorry. I’m not trying to be mean but skinny jeans with boots over them does not scream “updating my look” to me. I was wearing that years ago.
Anon
I agree…I need to up my casual game, but Jo Lynne Shane looks like the looks I’m trying to update rather than copy.
Jeffiner
Ha, this morning I broke out my skinny jeans and boots for the first time this season because I am so tired of wearing tights and ankle boots.
Anony
I’m in a super casual office with a shipyard next door, where most of co-workers are in and out of all day (think hard hats and steel-toes). In the winter, I basically wear straight leg or skinny jeans with assorted boots (flat to 2″ heels; not anything that goes over my pants though) and a sweater – today, I’m wearing an oversized Vince sweater, Pilcro skinny jeans, and short brown booties. Or I’ll go with flare jeans, wedge booties, and a slimmer-fitting top to balance the flares – J Brand flares, Dr Scholl’s wedge booties, and a button-down or sweater or turtleneck. I take pictures of outfits I like and make an album in my phone so if I’m stumped, I can glance through it. In warm weather, I’ll do straight leg or ankle jeans with loafers, sneakers, boat shoes… or flares with wedge sandals. I feel casual enough to not stick out at my office but not too casual that I look like a slob or am in weekend wear.
Anonymous
I am making the same transition. I threw my business and casual clothes onto the bed and literally remixed them into new outfits. So the pencil skirt is paired with an oversized Vince sweater and booties, the blazer is mixed with a t shirt and jeans, and the dress pants are getting paired with random long toppers (a vest, a long jacket and a long cardigan). The sheath dresses got jean or leather jackets and boots. I figured out I still feel better with structured toppers, although a more casual mix of them.
English language Q
On the impeachment-hearing I listened to last week, people voted AYE or NO. Shouldn’t be AYE or NAY? Some speakers said YES vs AYE. Is there some backstory here? I know a lot of English comes from German or Norman-French. But this seems Scottish? I feel like there is a story here but I’m at a loss. I don’t know 1) why it’s AYE and 2) if it’s AYE, why it’s AYE-NO vs AYE-NAY.
MKB
Weirdly, it seemed like some of them voted “NO” and some “NAY” – seeing your comment about this reminded me that I’d intended to look up whether that difference meant anything…
Anon
I serve on several industry committees and chair a board. We run our meetings using Robert’s Rules of Order, more or less. People will say Yea or Aye or Yes or Yep or Uh Huh and it all counts. What’s important is counting those opposed and those abstaining.
Wait till Gen Z takes over :
https://www.tiktok.com/@nuedulls/video/6769062296909106437
Anon
LOL
Gemma
Parliamentary procedure reminds me of Sons of Anarchy, where they seem to be obsessed with it and for naming their proxies for when they go to prison.
Anon
I work for the CA Legislature and it’s Aye, No, or Abstain here. I don’t know why.
nutella
Huh, I always thought it was because they sort of rhymed (especially with certain accents) and it was to prevent confusion or having to ask “did you say NAY with an N?” But maybe it’s just that if all are acceptable, it’s a matter of personal preference.
shrug!
Ribena
UK Parliament is Ayes and Noes. I don’t know why either.
Ellen
I think you are right. YAY and NAY, Dad says. He also says that the whole thing is ridiculus. He refuses to watch TV if that is on, b/c he thinks the President is the head of the country, and can veto things. Dad never thought of going into politics until now, since he is retired and has very little to keep him busy.
Z
Need ideas for some Christmas gifts for my sister. She’s 22 and graduating from her undergrad with a science degree in the spring. She’s thinking either medical school or graduate school after a gap year. Likes to travel and go to concerts, studies a lot, very driven. I’d like to get 2 or 3 gifts totaling under $100.
Anon
A couple of years ago, I gave a recent grad a bottle of Veuve and a lovely business card holder (Kate Spade or Coach, or similar quality). It went over well.
Anon
Oh, sorry, saw that you want Christmas gifts and not graduation gifts. (Need more coffee.)
Z
Definitely not opposed to graduation type gifts either!! I’ll need to get those in a few months so good to have some ideas.
anon
Hmm … maybe some kind of travel pack, like the Patagonia Atom or that North Face glorified fanny pack thing? Fancy journal/planner? Upgraded fun luggage tags or other travel accessories? Fun t-shirt with a science- or travel-themed graphic? Microfiber travel towel that folds up to practically nothing?
anon a mouse
Packing cubes and a fun luggage tag. Maybe a passport holder too?
Anon
+1 for the passport holder. I got a fancy leather one as a gift and I really like using it, but wouldn’t have bought it myself because of the price. It holds a few cards, has pockets for cash and folds small. In the same vein, I was also given a fancy wallet that I use daily.
Pompom
Was gifted a beautiful, luxurious passport holder when I turned 18 and it’s still with me and going strong [cough cough] years later (…almost 2 decades). I support this gift, if you know the person doesn’t already have one. Because I’ve since been gifted several, that I’ve ended up regifting….oops!
Abby
Is she planning on traveling after graduating? I asked everyone for cash for Christmas & my birthday that year and was able to spend 2.5 weeks traveling before I started my job. If she didn’t ask for anything, I agree a passport holder & luggage tag are a good idea. If you like the fanny pack idea, I have one from Patagonia and use it for traveling especially when hiking. I also bought myself a microfiber travel towel this year that is packable, that I wish I bought sooner.
Anonymous
Around that age I got my now-husband a little “travel kit.” It included a foldable reusable water bottle, a minitripod for taking pictures with your phone, a microfiber travel towel, a funky luggage tag, a neck pillow for flights/train/bus rides, an eye mask and ear plugs. I stuck it all in a lightweight foldable backpack (a HikPro which you can get on Amazon – I eventually got one for myself). It was under $100 for the whole kit and he still has, and uses, all of the items. I have given similar gifts to other friends who like to travel with great success.
Anonymous
A small, cute RFID-blocking wallet with a big (expandable) coin pouch so she can travel to countries that use more coins (like 1 and 2 euro coins, etc.). RFID-blocking is key for peace of mind, I got money stolen off a subway card in the St. Petersburg metro this summer when a guy stood way too close to me on an escalator and the card I had loaded ten minutes before was suddenly empty, but I knew he hadn’t gotten anything important because my passport and all my credit cards were in RFID-blocking pouches. That kind of digital theft is becoming increasingly common.
Anon
What are cool things to do in NYC with a group? Helping to plan a retreat for a group of 8 executives in NYC. I need to fill one day with activities outside of the meeting room – could be anything from a group activity to a tour to taking a class or….? They’ll be there in a cold month so want to factor that in. They have varying levels of time spent in the city, but are an open and fun group. I’d like to make it a somewhat relaxed day, so a spa could be a possibility (they’ve done this before and the men raved about their pedicures, ha), but also like to do moderately active and local things. Budget is not a limiting factor. Also considering sending them to Hamilton that night.
Anon
Are there Escape Rooms in NYC?
anne-on
I’d do a cooking/shopping class in Eataly, an architecture tour of the city, or a guided private tour of someplace like the Frick? Actually, a private tour of the Frick, a spa afternoon at a local hotel spa (the Carlyle is close and has a spa) and then a cooking class or a dinner in a private dining space at a hot restaurant might be my ideal NYC day…
Is it Friday yet?
ICE also does great cooking classes for groups.
Anon
do you want something that can only be done in NYC or something that can be done anywhere? there is royal palms shuffleboard, cooking classes (there are many), museum tours, exercise classes, food tours, murrays cheese cave tour, trapeze school, i don’t know if there is anything in Hudson Yards, but that is more newish
Anon
Would love something only-NYC, they do this retreat yearly and in the past have done escape rooms, private karaoke, hot air balloon rides, etc etc in other places.
Anon
in that case I like museum tour (but this is a know your crowd kind of thing, some people would find this boring – MoMA was recently renovated so even if they’ve been probably not to the new one), Murray Cheese or the Eataly rec above (more unique than an ICE cooking class) or something at Hudson Yards. If these are fitness obsessed people, you could do a peloton class. If it was warmer I would say a food tour of NYC could be fun, but otherwise not so much. this sounds like a group of people who also likely have the money to travel and do whatever they want on their own dime
Senior Attorney
If you can send them to Hamilton, by all means send them to Hamilton.
Also Come From Away is fabulous.
Senior Attorney
And if budget is really really not a factor and you can pay scalper prices, send them to Freestyle Love Supreme. Hottest thing going right now.
Anon
Ooooohhhh yes. yes. yes. And perhaps they need me to go with them… :D
anon
So it’s time to admit defeat: If I don’t get on the ball and buy the in-laws’ Christmas presents, they are not going to happen. No, I am not happy about this, and yes, I will probably be getting into a fight with DH about it. I’m not willing to drop the ball completely because that is really not fair to his parents, who are beyond generous with us and our kids.
Here’s the situation … ILs are in their 70s and are homebound. Lots of mobility issues. We’ve tried to get concert/performance tickets in the past and they kindly told us not to bother because it’s such a hassle for them to get around. They’ve also recently downsized and aren’t looking to accumulate more stuff because they’re still working on getting rid of a lot of stuff. FIL likes to cook but has quite a few dietary restrictions and every kitchen gadget he could ever need or want.
What I’ve gotten so far:
– Framed pictures of us and the grandkids, which MIL requested.
– I’m making FIL’s favorite homemade cookies and maybe another homemade goodie.
What else? MIL has requested insulated gloves … not sure where to start with getting the right size, though.
Anon
You could ask your MIL for her approximate hand size.
If your MIL is starting to get cold all the time, you could buy her an electric throw blanket, heated gloves, a foot warmer, etc. (The Raynauds pages have a lot of gift suggestions for those who are always cold.)
Beyond that, the answer is usually fancy consumables (fruit, coffee, chocolate, cheeses, Omaha Steaks, etc.), a cleaning service, really nice spices, seasoned salts, etc.
Anonymous
photo gifts – coffee mug each of them with the grandkids or photo blanket.
Meal service – there’s one in my area that will do up meals and accommodates dietary restrictions.
in home cooking class? Would FIL enjoy a cooking lesson on a new cuisine or a variation of his preferred cuisine if they came to his house?
Anonymous
Bought my parents a SkyLight frame. That’s a little redundant with the regular framed pictures, but throwing it out there anyway!
Anonymous
My homebound FIL claims to love the fruit of the month club subscription we got him.
Do you think they could handle an e-reader and assistance setting up checking out e-books from the library? (My FIL definitely could not). Or an Audible subscription?
anon
They really aren’t big readers, unfortunately. The fruit-of-the-month idea is interesting.
FP
Williams-Sonoma has some interesting food of the month shipments, even if fruit is not their thing. Croissants of the month!
Veronica Mars
I think flowers are a lovely gesture, especially if they’re “winter themed” but not explicitly Christmas flowers.
Anon
Do they like classical music? I’ve been getting ads for 40% off a year-long subscription to Medici, which I’ve used only once but have liked for high-quality recordings of classical concerts.
Sarabeth
Do they like music? If so, how do they listen to it? My mom still listens to all her music on CDs, so I keep getting her those – usually a new release of something classical. For gift-giving purposes, itt’s actually very convenient that she can’t handle switching to a streaming service.
sfchic
Do they have any hands-free devices yet? The ECHO/Dot systems have been wonderful for my elderly relative.
Your husband can set them up/teach them how to use them as his punishment!!! Just for checking the time/weather/jokes/ask questions/turn lights on and off (you buy a compatible light bulb)/play radio stations they can be invaluable. And when my relative had a fall and was stuck on the floor, he called me by yelling to his Dot and asking for help. Totally amazing.
And if they don’t have a digital picture frame, those are wonderful.
asdf
Where do you live? Could you send them a local specialty? I’m in Chicago and send deep dish all over the country.
Anonymous
Pay for a snow-shoveling service or lawn maintenance, if applicable.
ElisaR
i got my in laws “cheese of the month” from Murray’s cheese shop. It was well received and I kinda wanted it for myself when I heard about what they got!
Senior Attorney
When my parents became homebound, I started sending them a nice Christmas themed floral arrangement a few days before Christmas every year and they really liked it. Also plus one for the Harry and David of the Month subscription or similar.
Anonymous
When my parents got to that point, gifts that made their lives nicer inside the home were a big hit. They were always cold, so things like a heated blanket, cozy robe, winter gear, nice slippers/slipper socks, were a big hit. I know you said no more stuff, but these were replacements for older stuff. My mom was very utilitarian with her purchases but really appreciated getting nicer versions of things than she would purchase for herself. A plush robe in a pretty color and a gorgeous cozy scarf were a huge hit. My dad had a favorite sports team, so I would usually buy him a new fleece or hoodie for that team and something else he could use at home, like an insulated team coffee mug. They also loved things that reminded them of their family, beyond pics. I bought my mom a pretty mug during a vacation a decade ago and she used it for her morning coffee nearly every day from that point on because she said it reminded her of me.
Other hits included electronics they would not buy themselves, like a Roku stick and an iPad. Or items that made life easier, like a clock with big digital numbers when the cable box clock became too difficult to read from afar.
Anon
do they like to watch things on tv? a subscription service could be good or if they facetime with your kids a lot, perhaps a larger screen. we also got my parents a nixplay digital picture frame, so we could regularly give them access to additional pictures of the kids.
Just a reader
Do they already have Netflix, Prime, etc? If they watch lots of TV, they might appreciate subscriptions to these.
Anonfortherapy
Can the hive help me put a finger on what I’m looking for? I have a new, higher profile job and would like to explore some sort of therapy as a proactive step. I’ve never been to a therapist, I’m a relatively happy, productive person with no significant past trauma and am not sure traditional talk therapy is what I’m looking for, though I’m by no means opposed if what I’m looking for is available in that realm. I’d like something that helps me stay on track with/promote a healthy synergy between work and personal life, proactively prevent burnout, talk about strategies for approaching problems that come up over time, etc. Is this a career/life coach or something else?
Anonymous
That’s some nonsense life coach you find on Instagram. This is not a real thing you need.
Anonfortherapy
Out of curiosity, why make an unhelpful suggestion that people not take a proactive approach to their mental health and overall wellness? I think this is a serious problem in our society. Like many women here, I’m a focused, high achiever who has worked though issues of imbalance/bordering burnout on my own before and I’m currently in a very good place with a great opportunity to continue to succeed. But, I know myself, and I want a confidante/second opinion/impartial person outside my circle of friends/coworkers/family to hash through things with as they come up and to help me make sure I’m staying in a good place. I can throw a little money at it if I need to. Why and how is this not a real thing someone might need?
Anon
Found the life coach.
Anon
ignore this person. i think it is great that you are going to try to be proactive about your mental health and wellness. i think depending on their approach, a therapist also could work, or an executive or life coach. good luck!
Anon
It sounds like you’re looking for a life coach rather than a therapist.
Try to find one through a recommendation of someone you trust. I know a couple of people who couldn’t hack corporate life who decided to re-brand as life coaches and they are some of the most f#%^ed up people I know, so it’s definitely a buyer beware situation.
Never too many shoes...
So much this.
Anonymous
I think you’re looking for an executive coach.
Anonymous
I’d go for an executive coach or a life coach.
FWIW, I am a life coach—a trained one—and I am not messed up or flaky. Look for a coach who is ICF-certified; the professional and master certification levels mean the person has put in hundreds of paid client hours.
Anonfortherapy
Thank you, that’s very helpful.
Anon
I have a life coach and a therapist and I get way more out of my life coach.
Anon
Why would you go to a life coach instead of a therapist? Serious question…I have been to therapy before many times and you don’t only have to go when you are unhappy. You can work on behavior modifications to keep you from burning out, insurance covers it, they have qualifications…I can’t see an upside to a life coach over a therapist.
Anon
Anon at 1:32- I have also done the executive coaching and while helpful, I think to prevent burnout- I would go with the therapist. For professional goal setting- the executive coach.
I just think the OP wanting a healthy synergy between work life balance is more therapy like.
anon
Agreed. A good chunk of the work I’ve done with my therapist centers around work/life balance, preventing burn out, and approaches to handling problems– both specific existing issues and my more general approach to problem solving. I started seeing my therapist when I was going through a very rough time in my personal life (and I do have a history of depression), but I still see her 1-2x/month now that things are pretty much fine, because I’m learning about myself and building what I hope is a strong foundation for the future.
One of the biggest take-aways for me has been that the root causes of my struggles, even if they seem straightforward or simple, are always more complex and deeply rooted than I expected. Sometimes they’re totally different than what I thought they were. Therapy has helped me learn to identify them and solve the underlying issues and change my approaches so I’m better equipped to lead a sustainable and healthy lifestyle. Simple example – I always felt “too busy” at work (and in school), having work cut into my personal life, feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I used to think it was just a case of “people dumping too much work on me” and me not knowing how to deal. No–that’s part of it,–but the bigger drivers (and ding ding ding these are the things that are in my control) are: wrapping up my identity into my work past the point that it’s healthy; perfectionism (tying self-worth/sense of safety to perfection); and fear of vulnerability.
Anon
I feel needy for posting again about this, but I am the one from the other day who said she is harassed for looking masculine. It still bothers me that people question whether or not what I say is true. Having my manager lie about her friend harassing me when talking to HR, and having people say that I am “exaggerating”, “imagining”, have “anxiety”/”depression” has really made me scared to seek therapy or go too far with it. If a therapist doesn’t believe me, how can she help me? As I’ve said, some therapists just downplay these situations by saying “people are mean” and just move on when they don’t realize how pervasive these issues have been, how I don’t have a way to cope with new things that come up, and how much PTSD I have from old scenarios that play back in my mind. It makes me feel helpless when I can’t seek help for how I feel and these things keep happening. Part of me thinks that people who are “normal” looking don’t realize how hard it is to go through life obese, disfigured, or “different” in some why and they are apt to just downplay or disbelieve their life experiences…Part of me thinks that whenever someone hears someone talk like this about an aspect of their life (like maybe a part of their body they don’t like, a skin condition, etc), it makes them sound obsessive and plain mentally ill. I have been guilty of this myself with others…thinking they are making too big of a deal about something, even when they seem progressively more hurt and affected…just by the amount of detail and complaining, so I know how I sound.
As I say, it happens in places other than the workplace (it happened in Trader Joe’s yesterday…that is one of the places it happens the most), and it even happened a few months ago when I was out to dinner with my parents. I don’t know if people realize that when people harass someone, they don’t ALWAYS say things to your face. They say it when they are directly behind you, walking by, to the side of you…They use nicknames (like they change the letters of my name to a man’s) and change all pronouns to “they”, “he”. etc…so you know that they are talking about you (you keep hearing the same when you are around these people) but they can get away with it. Anyone who lives in the world knows this is how it is done. Maybe you think that the people you are talking about don’t hear you or realize what you are doing because you don’t’ see them turn to look you in the eye or because they don’t react, but let me tell you, they do. Again, I feel too old to be dealing with this and I feel like I have regressed mentally because I can’t be taken seriously by others because I am the one who is always treated like garbage, because I haven’t been able to advance in my career, because I haven’t found anyone who will help me address these issues, etc. Please…what do I do?
I have been seriously considering getting some sort of plastic surgery lately in addition to trying a therapist again and I am really wondering how to get people to believe what I am saying/to take me seriously when I meet these people. I try to be as detailed as I can so people can get an idea how I must feel, but it gives the impression that I am “over the top” and must be exaggerating or imagining or over-sensitive. If I am more general, the things I talk about are overlooked and passed off as “not a big deal”. I am also worried about mentioning the bullying to a plastic surgeon because I know they won’t work on anyone they think isn’t mentally stable. I have been going through this for 15+ years, and I am tired of being known as this person that everyone mocks. It has destroyed me personally and professionally and I don’t know what to do.
*Bracing for more accusations of lying, trolling, trying to get attention, putting down transsexuals because I am embarrassed for looking sexually ambiguous or whatever, putting down transsexuals because I compare my “plight” to theirs, etc…
anon
This is a really really good issue to talk through with a therapist you trust. You mention your parents – if you’re finding it too daunting to line up a few new therapy appointments (which I would totally understand, the process is beyond painful), maybe they could help? There’s a lot to unpack here, and it is literally the job of a therapist to help you navigate things like this.
Anonymous
You need to find a therapist, now. Don’t give up on getting help, and don’t quit therapy the first time you disagree with your therapist. Argue with him or her, push back, explain why what they are saying bothers you and work through it with them. Tell them if you don’t trust them, if you feel like they don’t believe you or are dismissing you. Put everything on the table. A therapist’s job is to help you deal with reality as YOU experience it. They will likely question whether your perceptions are 100% accurate because everyone makes cognitive distortions, especially when they are feeling bad, and these distortions are really unhelpful. (see https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/ for examples). Also, you may be anxious or depressed. There is no shame in that. It doesn’t mean you don’t have reasons to be angry, or that you haven’t been bullied or treated badly, but rather that what you have been through has affected you. Yes it is scary to get treatment, but it is worth it. Do it!
Anon
I didn’t see your original post but, when I waitressed, if I wasn’t sure the gender of the person I was waiting on, I would use “they” or just avoid using he/she. It’s not because I didn’t think the person was a “real” woman or man, it was because I didn’t want to misgender them or call them by the wrong pronoun. I’m not saying that people aren’t making fun of you. There are some cruel people out there. But, if you assume good intentions, could they be whispering to find out if you are male or female so they address you correctly?
Anon
This! I work at a huge university and deal with a lot of people who have non-western & gender neutral names exclusively via email (ie I never see or hear them). If the person doesn’t list their pronouns in their email signature (SO helpful – I’m glad it’s becoming a thing) or otherwise clearly specify gender, I go with “s/he”, they, their, “the user”, “the traveler”, etc. My own name is gender neutral and actually a more common men’s name where I grew up, so I’m pretty used to it by now.
emeralds
Gently: you need to get therapy. If you don’t feel like your first therapist is taking you seriously, find another one. Repeat. Maybe focus on therapists who have experience working with women with concerns around body image, or maybe folks with chronic medical issues, or maybe folks along the spectrum of gender identity issues.
There is nothing that we are going to say on this anonymous blog that is going to fix this problem for you. There is no magic phrase. There is no magic explanation that will make people believe you. I believe that you have experienced trauma; I believe that you continue to experience trauma. I also believe that there is no way for you to move on from this, without doing hard work with a trained professional, and being open to hearing and experiencing some hard things along the way.
Anon
Right. The OP is looking for something this blog cannot provide. Therapy or life coaching or mentoring or something would be tremendously helpful here. OP, even those of us who believe you can’t help you here. You seem to think that someone here has some kind of magic passphrase or spell that will enable you to fix everything in your life. What you need to fix is yourself – your mental attitude and outlook, not your looks – and only you can do that. With the help of a therapist.
FWIW. I am overweight, I have been a size 16 or larger my entire life. I have a great marriage, a wonderful child, an amazing career, and great friendships. I made a conscious decision years ago that I could either buy into the narrative that according to society I really just shouldn’t exist, or I could live the life I wanted to live on my own terms, with no excuses. Choosing not to see myself as a victim of my own circumstances turned my life around. Therapy helped me get there. Good luck to you.
Ellen
Yes, I am hesitant to offer a diagnosis, but the OP sounds like she needs someone competent to talk to, and if she has a significant other, that would help alot. I find that even tho I do NOT have a significant other (for s-x), my freind Myrna fills a major gap in my life that a man would otherwise fill, as she talks me thru alot of my issues, and the fact that I am NOT married with children like my sister. I think the OP needs a good freind, if not a boyfreind, tho she can get a boyfreind if she wants one, as there are many men out there lookeing for a woman. Good luck to you as you navigate your way thru these issues, as they are NOT easy. But you DO have the power of the HIVE behind you, and that is important!
Anonymous
Go to a therapist. Bring a list of specific examples of upsetting experiences to discuss.
People are mean. A therapist isn’t going to magically make the mean people go away. They can’t make people in TJ stop commenting but they will help you develop tools to deal with mean people.
Anon
If you stop using the word transsexuals or referring to people who are transgender in bigoted ways, people might not think you’re tr0lling.
Anon
FYI, many people identify using that term. It didn’t entirely go out of fashion in the early 2000s, although it’s much less common now.
Anon
I feel like maybe you do stand out as looking unusual/ gender atypical, but I also think maybe you’re so sensitive about this that you’re either imagining people’s reaction to you, or misinterpreting things they say to and about you. I cannot imagine that you get harassed at Trader Joe’s every single time you visit, for instance. Most people just want to get their groceries and get out of there, and I sincerely doubt that they’re spending a lot of time whispering to other strangers about you.
So you need to listen to your therapist, learn to separate what you suspect is happening vs what actions directly happened so that you can be a more effective reporter of actual, direct harassment, for instance at work.
Anon
You need to say everything you’ve said here to a therapist. Try again until you find the right one. It’s hard and it shouldn’t be that way, but it sounds like you’re really in a tough spot here and that good professional help can make a difference.
anon
I am really sorry you’re going through this, and I believe that it’s as bad as you say. I also think that what you need is beyond what anyone on this board can provide. Keep trying to find a therapist, if for no other reason than you sound very depressed (and believe me, I get why you would be). Do not even consider plastic surgery or drastic measures until you’re in a better place emotionally.
Anon
Also, FWIW, from one internet stranger to another, I believe you and I think it sounds really, really hard. I’ve had some similar thoughts related to a “disfigurement” that I have (don’t want to say what it is to avoid outing myself, but suffice it to say it’s obvious to others) and I do think that many people just cannot understand how awful it is to know that others have noticed it and are talking about it.
Anon
I suggested that you find a new PCP, and that’s part of your to-do list. Call up and ask for referrals for people who are used to working with women with PCOS.
Your new PCP can give you suggestions for finding a therapist. You should also look for a therapist who has a comprehensive intake procedure to see if s/he is the right person to help you.
FWIW, when I had PTSD, I found that people just seemed to go out of their way to pick on me. It is not a “bad perception” thing; bullies can kind of sense targets, and you get into this awful situation in which you are trying to put yourself back together, and people come along and kick you even more because you’re down. Therapists will do this, too. Well, bad therapists will do this. Ask me how I know.
The key is just to leave, cancel the appointment, or refuse to book an appointment if you feel like you are not being taken seriously.
It takes a lot of work to root out the pervasive bullying that can go on, but it’s worth it.
Anon
I think this is good advice.
UHU
Check out Harnaam Kaur, she has polycystic ovary syndrome and went through a lot of bullying, trying to ‘remedy’ her beard and so forth. Quite an inspirational person.
Anonymous
again , your option here are therapy, new job, sue your job, or a combo. These things are all available to you although I understand they are not small undertakings. I do inhabit the world you are speaking of and although of course , I do not get the same treatment as someone who is beautiful, it does seem like you are painting with a very broad brush. When you say no law protects you; even though you have stronger legal protection than someone who is trans, it does make people question your full narrative.
ceej
Definitely seek therapy. Consider seeking a therapist who has experience or training with body dysmorphia, anorexia, bulimia or eating disorders. You may not struggle with those things exactly, but my guess is that a therapist with experience in those fields will take your feelings about your body and other’s opinions on it more seriously. I would AVOID therapists that advertise experience with weight loss/ bariatric surgery etc.
Hair mask?
Any recs for deep conditioners or hair masks that I could pickup at a drug store? My hair is usually silky but right now has been a wreck for weeks. I can’t get in to get a cut (it’s time — hair has gotten super long and 4″ of the ends probably needs to get chopped to get back to the good texture). I just need to get it to the point where I don’t just rip it out before then. I’m not expecting a real fix, just to smoothe things out or really moisturize to the point of smoothness.
Anon
The aussie 3 minute miracle really is a miracle.
mascot
+1. I’ve used this on and off for years and end up going back to it. Pantene makes one as well that is also fine.
nona
Neutrogena used to have a Triple-something conditioner that came in a jar. It was thick enough that you had to scoop it out. I used that on dry, static-y hair and it worked wonders. My go-to these days is the bumble and bumble super-rich conditioner (yellow bottle). I use that year round, every time I wash my hair (only a couple times a week) and I rarely get split ends anymore.
Never too many shoes...
If you can manage it – a thick coating of full fat mayonnaise and a plastic bag overtop for heat. Sleep on it.
Anon
Omg vomit.
Anon
I can get using mayonnaise, I’m sure that oil really does help. But sleeping on it??? No way.
Never too many shoes...
Hence why I said if you can handle it…I could not but my hairdresser swears by it as a fix for really damaged, overprocessed hair in need of damage control.
Flats Only
To be honest, you have just saved me a ton of time. Why fuss around with egg yolks and coconut oil when you can just by it in a jar. Genius!
Is it Friday yet?
Coconut oil is great for this, also moisturizes your scalp really nicely.
Beth
I love the Kristen Ess Strand Strengthening Moisture Hair Mask (you can get it at Target). 5 minutes in the shower twice a week.
Another anon
Not at a drugstore, but the Olaplex #3 (at Sephora) is legit amazing.
Riding boots
I don’t think mine are current (LaCanadienne tall black riding boots with 1″ heel; rubber soles), in part b/c they are 5+ years old. But I wore them yesterday in cold wet weather and OMG I am falling in love with how warm they kept my feet and legs and how comfy they are. If loving them is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
I wore them with a black A-line dress, black tights, and a patterned poncho, so not horrible, but like a B+ look on the weekend.
sfchic
The boots sound classic to me, as long as they aren’t covered with hardware. Those are the staples we all should have in our wardrobe.
And weather appropriate dressing is never out of style…. especially if you can afford to buy La Canadienne.
Cat
Have you posted about these boots a few times (buying them due to Middleton inspiration, struggling with whether they look dated)? (If that wasn’t you, you’re not alone…)
Yeah, knee-high boots in wet, cold weather is not going to be out of style. Wearing them with skirts or black pants or leggings is more current than over jeans.
Anonymous
Ha! I am wondering about tall boots, too. Specifically, whether eBay is flooded with tons of used Frye Melissa’s (wasn’t that the It boot for a while)? I don’t think I could wear skinny jeans tucked into them anymore — I don’t see anyone doing that where I live.
anonymous
Any clothing item that is practical and and keeps me warm in cold weather will never go out of style.
Morally Ambiguous
I am always fascinated by the discussions on here of morally ambiguous or “wrong” things. It almost seems if the demographic here is a bunch of sunny-eyed 20 year olds. So maybe I’m old and jaded, but let’s talk about this…
Affairs, messy relationships, poor choices, etc. Do all of you really live your personal lives in such black and white lines? Aren’t people hugely complicated? Isn’t this the basis for The Crucible, The Scarlet Letter, anything to do with making a “wrong” choice for what you believe to be the “right” reason, or making the “wrong” choice because you’re in some complicated, shitty, uncomfortable situation?
Getting your rocks off at work because you’re horny is not the same as caring for a terminally ill partner and in the meantime developing feelings–or even physical intimacy–with a supportive friend. Some relationships in “inappropriate” places like work *are* flirty, and often lead to dating. Do we drop the judgement axe on all of this?
Do you black and white folks never find yourself in complicated grey areas? And isn’t working through the grey sort of the interesting bits of life?
Anon
“Do you black and white folks never find yourself in complicated grey areas? And isn’t working through the grey sort of the interesting bits of life?”
Honey, if you want to commit adultery, commit adultery, but don’t insult people who are faithful to their spouses or go through all those contortions to make yourself feel better about it.
Anonon
Wow, what a way to prove your point. Morally Ambiguous, for what it is worth, I fully understand your point and agree with you. Life is messy and complicated, and bad things happen to good people, well-meaning people make bad choices. Sometimes we are selfish and can’t see all of the variables in a situation. Healthy adults suffer consequences of their actions, but they are also aware, when looking at others, that it would be so easy for them to be in the other’s place, and go easy on the black-and-white, “oh my God I would never do that, and you are an awful person” judgement. You don’t know what you are capable of. No one does.
Anon
Again, my point about insulting people who do *not* commit adultery. Nice!
Anon
None of these are insults . . .
Anon
I think it says a lot more about you that you think that those sentences are an insult and aimed at you.
Anon
+1
anon
+1
Anon
You seem to be coming from a place of judgment rather than genuine interest.
Monday
+1. This could be an interesting topic, but this post is so blatantly rhetorical.
Anon
Hi my name is Morally Ambiguous and I would like to stir up sh1t today
Senior Attorney
Haha, right?
anon
You must be one of the sunny-eyed 20 somethings that lives in a black and white world….they’re all over this hive
Anon
Nope I’m a jaded 55 year old. I just don’t see this going well.
Anonymous
Some people find themselves in grey areas and make a conscious choice to not to the morally problematic thing. You seem weirdly judgmental about people who don’t engage in problematic behavior. Just because they make different choices doesn’t mean they weren’t tempted.
lydia
I mean, The Crucible did not turn out great for those involved…neither did The Scarlet Letter.
Anon
I once posted here about a friend who was emotionally abused by her husband and only found the courage to leave after she started an affair with someone who thought she was wonderful and treated her well, and still had people tell me my friend was a terrible person who did something deeply morally wrong.
So either everyone here lives in a bubble where gray-area situations never come up, or the people who have a more nuanced view on these issues don’t chime in because the black-and-whiters are so vehement in these conversations. I suspect it’s the latter. I’ll also note that when I read these convos, I sense a great deal of fear from many posters here of admitting the degree to which marriage is complex and adultery can be a symptom – rather than a cause – of the underlying marital problem. It’s often really easy to act like the adulterer is the only one who’s done wrong, but most of the time, marriages don’t break down due solely to one party’s actions. Note that I’m divorced, and my ex cheated, and that sucked, but we were neither of us angels in that marriage.
Finally, I’ll note that I know of at least three situations in which a spouse cheated, married the affair partner, and is still happily married a decade or more later – and in each of those cases, the marriage seems far more functional and happy than the prior one. People really don’t want to admit that, but I’ve seen it happen a lot. My ex-in laws were one of those situations.
Anon
A note on my middle paragraph: when I got divorced I found that LOTS of people asked me questions that were essentially aimed at trying to figure out “whose fault it was.” Like a marital breakdown had to be a situation where one person was to blame and another was blameless. That’s the mindset I often see in action here.
Anon
Good grief. Except for the case of the abused woman, those people could have exited their marriages in a thoughtful, kind, and sane way, rather than starting an affair. How you end relationships says a lot about your character, in the same way that how you treat waitstaff and janitors says a lot about your character.
Anonymous
This. Leave the marriage then hook up with the new person. It’s not rocket science.
Anon
I think OP is a pot-stirrer but I think it’s stuff like your post that she’s talking about.
Are we all perfect people? No. With the exception of apparently you, we all make mistakes.
But when people come on here looking for advice I think most of us try to give good advice and not assvice about how an affair is a great idea for a faltering marriage. It happens. Was it the best course of action? No. Would we advise others do it? Of course not.
Anon
Hum, perhaps you could explain where I said that I never make mistakes.
The way that you’re all contorting yourselves to justify adultery is really, really pathetic, and it has nothing to do with “giving advice” to someone in a bad marriage or people who don’t condone adultery being “perfect.”
Don’t get married if you want to screw other people.
anon
Yeah, that first comment is exactly what I was talking about in my response to the OP. Yes, that would have been a better thing to do! And it would have been better for my husband not to have cheated, and it would have been better for me not to have been INSANELY passive-aggressive (which was a strong feature of my character when we were married), and, like, there were all sorts of things we could have done better in our marriage, which ultimately broke down. Kudos to anyone who manages to make every choice in their relationships in an absolutely perfect way at all times, but the narrative that so often emerges here is that when a marriage breaks down there is a Terrible Wrongdoer and an Innocent Victim, and the person who cheated is definitely the Terrible Wrongdoer, and, like…I’m 40 and I literally have only ONCE seen a situation of adultery where I’d say, “Wow, that person just totally blew up her really great marriage out of selfishness.” Every other situation I’ve see has been way more complex than that.
anon8
To Anon 12:19 – Comments like the one are annoying to me. A person can end a relationship in a not so good way, but that doesn’t mean they can grow and change from that and handle things better in the future. People make bad choices and they should be given the grace to change their behavior.
“How you end relationships says a lot about your character,”
Anon
Then grow, which involves acknowledging the mistake, rather than justifying it.
My very toxic family pulls this all the time: behaves in objectively terrible ways, then, when called out on it, screams that it’s “past” and they have “changed.” There seems to be everything on the planet except “I screwed up and I’m sorry” involved.
“I’m sorry, what I did was wrong and you have every right to be angry with me” is something I say a lot as an adult, even if it’s hard and crappy, because I know how much worse it is to never hear those words.
Anon
I 100% agree with everything you’ve written here.
anon8
I very much agree with the comment from Anon at 12:10. I have had experience with infidelity in a marriage and it is definitely a symptom of underlying problems in the marriage.
Anonymous
It was a symptom of underlying problems in your marriage. Some people just cheat because they can – like their job involves a lot of travel so they hire someone in every city they visit. People are responding here like infidelity always happens because someone is leaving a bad marriage and will eventually marry their affair partner and live happily ever after
Anon
Or sometimes they pick a job with a lot of travel because they don’t want to be home with their partner…This comment seems short sighted. I don’t know anyone who just cheats and doesn’t have marriage problems. One partner might deny the problems and play victim instead, but that’s also a problem, no?
Anonymous
Just because you don’t know them doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It’s pretty easy for a guy on travel at a hotel to hook up with a professional or otherwise and zero people would know. Unless he tells his wife. And why would he? Lots of times the reason it nothing more complicated then he wants some variety. Not everyone having who cheats is a nice person escaping a bad marriage, some people are just know they won’t get caught.
Anon
Sorry, whether they are leaving the marriage or whether it is a bad marriage is a whole different thing. If someone is cheating, there’s problems. Just wanting variety shows a lack of care that is probably carried over into the marriage.
Whether you accept those problems as justifiable for adultery is the whole discussion.
Anonymous
Nope. Just as one example of many scenarios, a spouse might not want to do a certain kink so they hire a professional for that but they are otherwise a great partner.
You‘re super committed to your theory that affairs only happen in unhappy marriages. Which is not that different from what OP was complaining about in terms of rigid thinking
anon
Huh? I’m not sure what you’re getting at here — that there’s always a good reason for adultery? Because I don’t buy that. For every situation where it *might* make sesnse, there’s a million other situations where someone is just being a selfish a-hole.
Almost 40 here, married since I was in my early twenties, and no, I don’t find myself in morally ambiguous situations, as you put it.
anon8
There’s no good reason for adultery, but I find some people here can be very judgmental and black and white about it. There were comments a while back where people would cut off a friend if they found out she was cheating. I feel like that’s the kind of hard stance the OP is referring to.
I mentioned it above, but people make bad choices and hopefully they will learn and grow from those choices and not do those things again. From some of the comments here, I feel like people don’t allow for someone to change. Like it’s the attitude of “once a cheater, always a cheater”. No, that’s not true.
Anonymous
I’d also cut off a friend who was stealing or lying. There seem to be a lot of posts that are victim blamey towards people who have been cheated on. The assumption that the marriage was troubled and the person was reasonable in their cheating vs the cheating partner just being an inconsiderate ass. Cheating is morally wrong, stealing is morally wrong. These are not ‘ambigious’ things. If you don’t like being judged about cheating, don’t do it.
Anonymous
I am a person who did end a friendship temporarily because I did not agree with my friend’s choice to have an affair with another married person (who had children) and then who was in constant angst and wanted my sympathy when he went back and forth between her and the wife for three years and when the kids hated her for a while, etc. I didn’t agree with what she was doing and I didn’t have the sympathy for her that she was looking for. I was not the friend she needed during that time, nor did I want to be.
She did end up marrying the guy, I went to their wedding, and I hang out with them now. I still do not support how they got together and ended their marriages. We are not as close as we once were, of course, and while that stings, I certainly know why and have accepted it. No regrets.
Have I put myself in morally ambiguous situations? Sure, when I was young (pre-30s) and needed to do a LOT of work on myself. I subsequently did that work and now I have boundaries, I stick to them, and I don’t spend time on people who don’t share my same values. I don’t really care if everyone else feels the way I do because they get to set their own boundaries and make their own choices.
Anon
When there are kids involved, I struggle more. I was friends with plenty of kids growing up whose parents’ pursuit of happiness definitely took a toll on their kids.
Never too many shoes...
I don’t know that I totally disagree with the OP’s point here – people here have very strong opinions on marriage and what they will and will not do, say and share with people who are not their spouse. I was shocked a few months ago when the majority of people here said they do not discuss their sex life with even their siblings or very best friends.
Anon
I don’t think a majority of people actually said that, although some people, including me, do feel that way. Regardless, I don’t think this what OP is talking about at all. Choosing not to talk about my sex life with others does not have anything to do with morality and doesn’t mean I’m judging other people who are more open. Whatever works for them and their partners is fine and not my place to judge. Just because I have different preferences for myself and my partners does not mean I’m trying to be some arbiter of moral standards.
Anon
About the sex life thing, I have what I think is a funny line on that and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to talk about sex. I’m single and will often talk with my other single friends (and my married friends where I don’t really know their spouse well) in vague terms about our sex life (i.e. that we hooked up with someone, had sex for the first time with a new guy, ect.; not about the details about the sex act). But, for my married friends where I’m also friends with their spouse, I hate hearing about their sex life. Something about being friends with both people makes it very different to me.
Anon
This question wouldn’t be pot stirring if the very people OP is talking about didn’t jump all over it. There is actually some thoughtful discussion happening, but then there are the people who think that the very existence of this comment is an insult aimed personally at them. Do they realize they’re the ones making this a huge deal?
Anonymous
eyeroll – OP clearly posted this in a pot-stirring way, she could have raised the same issue is much better fashion. E.g. Never too many shoes’s post above.
Anon
You’re proving my point, my dear.
Anon
No, she’s not proving your point. She said, correctly, that if this was meant sincerely, there are better ways to approach it, then gave an example.
Anon
Totally agree that this wasn’t pot-stirring. I also genuinely wonder this very same thing. I used to be a black and white person on the adultery thing and now I’m not…I have seen situation after situation like the emotional and physical abuse or terminally ill example. I have just come to realize that I am not the protector of other people’s marriages and the only people that should pass judgment on it are the people in it. I hate all the speculation and rumors and just realize that you never know what is going on behind closed doors.
Another anon
Yeah, I have had exactly the same evolution on these issues from black and white to a lot more gray.
Anonymous
It’s not ‘hugely complicated’ to not cheat on your partner. Just don’t do it?
Anonymous
What are you even talking about drama llama?
Anon
I can see where OP is coming from on this. It is being discussed here in terms of adultery but it applies to numerous other topics where a lot of opinions seem very absolute and not tied to my lived reality.
As an example, adultery is bad – but based on a lot of the posts here it morally disqualifies the guilty from sympathy or friendship. It also necessarily means that the cheater will go on to cheat on their next spouse. I have seen people take this position even on cheating in relationships – someone cheated on his girlfriend when he was 23 then OMG he is a monster and should not be trusted at 30. And a husband who cheats can never, ever be forgiven.
I know of several people whose first marriages ended in divorces. They have been happily and by all appearances faithfully married to their second spouse – in some chases they person they cheated with – for decades. Should they have ended their first marriages before it reached that stage? Obviously yes, but the reality of life is that people sometimes coast along in unhappy relationships for a variety of reasons until something changes. I know people who have dealt with infidelity in marriage and are still married, again by all appearances happily. That may not be morally ideal – but it is also a thing that happens.
People are rarely all good or all bad. They are not mostly saints or sinners. They are humans who try and sometimes fail. And the cancel culture is not just a thing on Twitter.
Seventh Sister
Two related thoughts:
Some of the things I did as a very young person were morally questionable and/or wrong, even though I sure as h*ll had a very very complex and strongly-held belief that I was in the right at the time. Several decades on, I can see how I failed and also how I was treated in a pretty rotten way. Interestingly enough, the thing I was most pilloried for as a young woman was something where I genuinely *hadn’t* done anything wrong, but it looked bad so I was the local Hester Prynne.
I know at least three happily married couples who have a public origin story that is really divorced from reality. In one, the wife basically waged a campaign against the then-girlfriend of her husband. Actively undermining an existing non-marital relationship isn’t technically adultery, but still seems like a pretty extreme way to (her words) “land Prince Charming” (especially when the undermining consisted of lies/rumors/innuendo about someone who considered you a friend). Another, super-smug married couple started as a fling while one of them had been in a monogamous relationship for years.
Also Morally Ambiguous
MA – I feel as though the vitriol and lack of openness to the grey in life often come from a place of fear. If something is or isn’t something so clearly, it’s easy to protect against. When something is grey, complicated, it is not as easy to protect against. I see this not just with the adultery issue but many other issues that are argued about here. I am one of the many who don’t jump in on these regularly as it makes little difference. When people operate from a place of fear, it is difficult to open their minds. Just send them love and kindness.
Anon
One great way to send people love and kindness is to curb your impulse to fck their husbands. Fyi.
Seventh Sister
One of my dearest friends just separated from her partner of over a decade, after her partner revealed that he’d been having an affair. While I’m not a fan of the new girlfriend, I’m disappointed and upset at the cheating ex-partner (esp. because my friend and ex-partner have a child together).
Himalayan salt lamp- any you'd recommend?
I would like to get my Mom one of those Himalayan salt lamps for a holiday gift. There are a million different versions of these for sale online, so I’m wondering if anyone has any recommendations for a good quality one that doesn’t look cheap. Thank you!
Go for it
Mine is from rite aid and is just fine. Advise placing it on a pretty plate (even if it has the wooden base) as all of them sweat. It is part of the salt makeup.
Parfait
Those can be dangerous to pets if they lick them a lot, so if she has any, make sure she knows to put it out of reach.
NOLA
Hi all, I just had a great convo with my minister about the guy who is obsessed with me. It turns out that he had asked the minister at a social event about a woman in the choir whom he thought was attractive (that is, me) but the minister wasn’t sure who he meant. Then, on Sunday, he approached the minister and pointed me out and asked him my name, etc. I’m not sure exactly what about either conversation led the minister to believe that there was more obsession than interest. Of course, the minister told him my name because he’s thinking it’s innocent, then realized later that it wasn’t. At any rate, the minister understands that it is his responsibility to nip this in the bud and deal with it and be sure that I am safe and not being harassed at the church, which is also my workplace (I reminded him of that and I think it hit home for him). He is going to have a conversation with the guy today when he sees him at a lunch and is going to let me know if it doesn’t go as he hopes, We’re both somewhat relieved that I will be out of town this Sunday and will be out of the situation and maybe let it calm down before I return. On Christmas eve, I’m working, so it’s rare that I am out and about in the sanctuary. Let’s hope that this is over soon!
Anonymous
It … sounds like a non-event.
Anon
+1. I guess I’m not seeing what’s really happening here?
Anon
It sounded like a non-event from the start.
NOLA
I hope so, although the minister doesn’t think so.
Anon
The minister seems to think that asking about you twice is weird and stalkerish. Either he is not describing something well, you are not relaying it well, or he’s overreacting. Pick.
Cat
+1
NOLA
I think I didn’t get all of the details of the conversations. Also there were some things that happened after he initially spoke to me. I don’t know the guy and the minister does so I trust his gut feeling about it
Anon
Agreed. How is noting to a friendly person that you know that someone is attractive and asking their name being obsessed? That seems like a pretty normal interaction when you are interested in someone who you meet out and about in the world.
Ellen
Yes, I think you are over reacting. If I got obsessed about every schlub that ooogled me and wanted to get my name and number from my rabbi, or from the manageing partner, I would be nuts by now! I would just forget it. Unless the minster messes up, you should not even have to deal with him in the future. It is not like you are going to have to go on a weekend retreat and share a cabin with him, so I would just chill. If for any reason he continues to ooogle you, be grateful, as alot of men stopped ooogeling me once I was over 35.
Anonymous
I don’t think everyone who is awkward is creepy, so fingers crossed he’s the former not the latter!
Anonymous
What is the minister going to say to him?
Anonymous
I mean, I have asked friends about their friends who I do not know but who I thought were attractive. Sometimes more than once. I never once have been obsessed or stalked those people. I agree this sounds like a non-event unless there is something that the minister isn’t telling you. A, she’s not interested, should be sufficient here.
NOLA
I think there was more to the two conversations than he told me. It’s also that this guy is formerly homeless and a bit needy. The minister has befriended him, so he would know. He is basically going to tell him that I’m not interested and that he needs to let it go. He may tell him that I’m dating someone (which I am).
Anon
Best of luck dealing with it, but the updates here are probably not really helping you just move on from this. Don’t borrow trouble, you know?
Anon
The fact that he had been homeless does not make his interest creepy, NOLA. That’s really classist.
Anonymous
“Classist,” seriously??? The fact that he has been homeless in the past is absolutely relevant.
Anon
What does being homeless have to do with it?
Anonymous
Well, if you tell him no and he doesn’t stop then it’s a problem … but at this point, is there even anything to tell him no to? Any congregant could see you on stage and say, “she seems neat what’s her name?” That’s nothing. You could be aware that he might possibly approach you & prepared to decline any advances or give the minister the go ahead to say you’re not interested IF he asks … I can guarantee you the guy I’d going to say, what? I don’t know her & haven’t done anything. And who could argue with that?
Anonymous
How did he do anything wrong? Asking the name of the pretty lady in the choir is not a bad thing to do.
CHL
NOLA I just want to say that I believe you! Glad your minister is supporting you.
Anonymous
Yes, me too! And i think the fact that he used to be homeless is relevant. I would be creeped out by this, and I am glad that you talked with your minister and that he is taking the situation seriously.
Anonymous
What blows my mind about this is that as a choir member you are an employee. I have never heard of a church choir that wasn’t all volunteers!
NOLA
It’s very common in large city churches. There are 5 of us out of 20.
Anonymous
Anyone do keto and have good recipes to share or success stories? I’ve been eating ketogenic for about 1.5 months and lost 15 lbs. I’m doing it because I need to lose quite a bit of weight (80 lbs), and my cousin lost 100 lbs doing it. She was diabetic and needed to lose weight for health reasons. I luckily do not have any health issues, yet. I’m getting so bored with it. It seems like the same foods all the time. I wonder how sustainable this will be in the long term.
anonymous
These type of diets are not suitable in the long term. The only thing that works long term is a complete lifestyle change.
Keto is basically paleo, which is South Beach, which is Atkins. The main principle on all these seems to be cutting out carbs and sugar. So maybe focus more on that rather than the specifics of keto.
Anon
It’s not sustainable unless you’re a masochist. Don’t go into this thinking it’s a lifelong thing because for 99% of people, it’s not.
ceej
I think you can probably sustain it for periods of time, like 1-2 months, take a break of a week and get back to it. Once you are at your target, you will likely get to have more variety.
My tips are to EXPAND your vegetable options a lot. With keto, you can add oil/butter, so look for veggie recipes. I tried roasted savoy cabbage recently. Try all of those cruciferous vegetables: cauliflauer, kale, collard greens, broccoli, broccolini, broccoli rabe, bok choy, raddish, romanesco, brussel sprouts, etc.
Leeks, Fiddlehead, artichoke, asparagus, mushroom, zucchini, etc. etc. Go to a fancy market, google some stuff, buy some random stuff, cook it.
Next, expand your spice cabinet and skills. Are you using Indian spices? Chinese spices? Mexican spices? Buy some spice mixes and try them out on roasted or stir fried vegetables. Buy a vegetarian or vegetable side cookbook. Look up all the veggie recipes on your favorite cooking site.
Learning to cook and enjoy a variety of vegetables is very useful for sustaining a long term lower calorie diet, and is central to almost all weight loss diets, no matter their theory.
Anonymous
Thanks for these tips! I’m going to do all of the above. I’ve been using the Trader Joes 21 gun salute spice mix for everything (a lot of spinach, collards, and swiss chard), which is boring. I actually love spicy food and will definitely get some different options to mix up with sauteed veggies.
Anonymous
There was a cookbook recommended on here a while ago, but I forget the name. 30 day keto cleanse or something? I think it was from Maria Emmerich. Lots of good recipes; I actually still use some even though I’m not doing keto rn. Just ignore the eyeroll inducing bits. Like no, Maria, I actually don’t have access to a full kitchen where I can spend 30+ minutes cooking lunch on a weekday. I also don’t have a stream in my back yard where I can take a quick swim before bed every day.
If you’re bored with keto, though, maybe switch to Whole 30? Being able to eat butternut squash and brussels sprouts (without having to like count them) and sweet potatoes is a game changer for me. You give up dairy, but you’re not really supposed to eat dairy on keto anyway (which is one reason I like Maria Emmerich).
ADB_BWG
I love the recipes at gnom-gnom, especially the bagels.
https://www.gnom-gnom.com/
https://www.gnom-gnom.com/gluten-free-paleo-keto-bagels/
Anonymous
Anyone use Talkspace or a similar virtual therapy provider? My work is switching insurance, and my new copay for a specialist like therapy is $70 (up from $40). It seems Talkspace may be a better deal, but I’m not sure about efficacy of a remote session.
Anon
I used it during a very rough period (the year I was leaving biglaw) and it really helped. I think like any therapy situation it depends on the individual therapist that you work with more than the platform. But with Talkspace, when you first sign in you’ll text with a person who works to figure out what you need and links you to a therapist. So if you already know what works for you in therapy, be very specific in that first conversation. Good luck!
Anon
Those of you who live in buildings with a lot of staff, how much do you tip for the holidays per person and/or total?
I moved this summer to a building with 11 staff (doorpersons, porters, super etc). Although it is big, it’s not a typically “luxury” building and is comparable in niceness and rent amount as my prior building, which had just a super (but many fewer apartments). Last year I gave my super $100 and got the sense from him that that was generous. This year I’m looking at giving $20 and $40 tips per person (part timers and full timers), for a total of $400. It’s kind of a big cost to me (I spent $100 total on all holiday gifts for family and friends this year) but at the same time feels ungenerous to each individual person. I know holiday tips are an important source of income for many. There’s no tip pool — we got a list with everyone’s names so I assume we’re expected to tip each person individually.
anon
When my husband and I lived in a building like this in NYC, we tipped $20 to most of the building staff and $40 to a couple of people who went above and beyond for us. Like you, it was a big cost to us (I was in grad school, but it wasn’t student housing). They thanked us profusely and didn’t make us feel like we were stingy. It was a big building, so if most other residents tipped similarly, they each received around $2000.
Thailand recommendations?
My fiance and I are planning our honeymoon in Thailand – already have flights booked, and looking at Bangkok, Ko Samui, and potentially also Chiang Mai (12 nights total). Any recommendations for hotels/resorts/things to do?
Lily
Need to order a white elephant gift in the $25-30 range that will arrive by Friday. It’s for a group of girls/guys in our early-mid 30s. Please give me ideas!!!
Anonymous
Code names- super fun game, on Amazon.
Anon
There’s also an adult version, if that’s more the speed of your group
eertmeert
coffee mug + starbucks gift card. fancy-ish candle. nice bottle of wine. I like to bring gifts that will stir the pot and get traded so the game stays spicy.
Anon
Yeti cup; travel coffee mug with specialty coffee; mobile charging pack. This has some good ideas and many are available with fast shipping – https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/holidays/gift-ideas/g4572/creative-white-elephant-gift-ideas/?slide=1
Davis
I would buy a Anker Powercore and a nice chocolate bar!
Anonymous
Solar powered battery/charging pack
Anon
I need to take a moment and celebrate!!!! Last year, I didn’t hit my receivables goal. This year, things were not looking good either. I was struggling with anxiety and depression and therapy wasn’t cutting it. I got super crabby at work and I was damaging my relationship with my boss. I had a not so great come to Jesus meeting with him where he told me I needed to step it up.
I’ve been treating my depression for just three months and majorly stepped it up at work and just found out that I have hit my goal with a week or so to spare! WOOOOOOO.
Senior Attorney
So wonderful! Congratulations!
I still remember being in private practice years ago and spending my December on the phone to clients saying t hings like “so if I send a messenger over today, can you have a check ready for me?”
Anonymous
Congrats! Massive win!
Ellen
Congratulation’s! We solve the recievable’s problem by haveing every cleint sign a retainer agreement with a confession of judgement clause and a consent to file lien on real and personal property which we can file and execute on. Fortunately, we have not had to use these often, but it kind of solves the recievable’s dilemna b/c once the cleint’s lawyer sees the agreement, we get a check very quickly, as the manageing partner say no cleint wants his property seezed by the sherriff and sold at the NY State Supreme Court at 60 Centre Street. I don’t mind going there for court, but I suppose I should find out what actually happens when property is sold at execution there. If anyone in the HIVE is familiar and will share, please do as this is always something I wanted to learn more about! YAY!