Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Blazer with Knit Sleeve

199 Comments

1. Hmm. I think not. This looks like a blazer was having an identity crisis !

   1. It’s almost looks like a vest over a sweater, except for the weird cropped top underneath.

      1. I thought it WAS a vest until I read your comment and realised I was wrong…

      2. I actually tried on a similar type-blazer where the body was striped and the sleeves were black (or perhaps the other way around) and I liked it in theory, but it just looked a little off – maybe a little too casual for the office?

      3. Sorry Kat, this is simply ugly. The split back is weird and unflattering. Also, $1000 for a polyester shell? I can make something nicer by sewing together a blazer and a sweater.

   2. Yay! Pricey Monday! I love Pricey Monday b/c I can tell my dad that I am NOT goieng to buy something and he is alway’s THRILLED.

      I have to tell the HIVE something DISTURBEING about the relative’s, I think. Yesterday, I had the cleaneing lady come in do do all of the laundry and clean up after a few day’s with Igor and Oleg stayeing over. When I looked in my dresser drawer this morning to get ready for work, I saw that there were only 4 pair’s of pantie’s in the drawer. I called the cleaneing ladyand she said that she put away all the clothe’s she washed, but she did remembered foldeing only a couple of pantie’s. The cleaneing lady has been very relieable, and I am afraid that mabye Oleg or Igor took them? I have NO idea why they would take my pantie’s. Myrna think’s they might be cross dresser’s but I am pretty sure Oleg like’s women exclusiveley.

      Has anyone in the HIVE ever faced this kind of probelem with their releatives? If so, how did you handel it. I do NOT want to tell my dad or Grandma Leyeh, but was thinkeing of askeing mom b/c it is NOT her side of the family. HELP!

      1. Oddly enough – I use this trick on my husband (“look at this pricy thing I *didn’t* buy”) – but I wouldn’t say it works THAT well. He just sort of looks at me and goes “yes dear.”

      2. Unless the cleaning lady brought them home for her daughter, it sounds like one of your relatives has a fetish, but it is embarrassing to have to ask either one of them “did you borrow / steal my panties?” because no response is a good one. I recommend you go out and buy new panties for those that are missing, and be careful not to leave these relatives alone in your apartment again, because if they can steal your panties, other items can also turn up missing.

   3. Not a fan of this one at all. It would be the losing look on on Project Runway.

      So this Monday is already rough. I just noticed that one of the buttons on my blouse was open. No idea how many people I flashed this morning.

      1. That happens to me when I wear a crossbody purse over a button-up. Hope you enjoyed it, various passersby.

2. I have been travelling a lot lately (NYC and a bunch of other places throughout the US), so much so that I am now needing to replace a 15-year old messenger bag (LL Bean — holla! and please reissue!). Things that I’ve noted:

   1. Tons of Neverfulls! Everywhere (like 5 or so a day for a week straight! I’m not surprised when the Managing Directors have them, but it seemed to be a much broader group than that, up to grandmothers in airports)! But I am struck by how small the small size looks — the larger ones look much better. Not sure if they are that practical (no way to secure), but they are pretty (maybe enhanced by knowing how expensive they are). I saw a lot of them in airports, which I wouldn’t have expected – I like my travel bags to zip or otherwise close. I was really surprised to see something so notably expensive being used so much — I don’t think I’d feel comfortable bringing that to a client meeting.

   2. LL Bean Boat & Tote bags. Not see in airports, but a surprising # of them in Midtown. I love mine, but haven’t graduated to using it at the office (wouldn’t bring to client sites).

   3. Le Pliage bags. Everywhere! While in my dreams I may be on Team Large Neverfull, I think I may have to join Team Le Pliage. Inoffensive and not expensive. Maybe it is the Boat & Tote bag for the office?

   1. I’m going to do my standard-issue plug for the MZWallace “Kate” here. I’ve been carrying it daily for the last three months on a punishing car-walk-train-subway-2nd subway-more walking commute, and it looks as good as it did straight out of the box. Also, it has 47 million pockets and everything zippers, so I can always find everything, and it feels secure. (For reference, I can fit my 13″ Macbook Air and power cord, both of my phones, an 8 1/2 x 11 file, my Kindle, a pair of pumps, my makeup, my wallet, my keys, and miscellaneous odds and ends (apple, granola bars, hairbrush, etc. without the bag looking overstuffed or weird.) And it’s nylon, so it’s lightweight. Andplusalso, it has a red lining, which makes it much, much easier to find black items (phone, wallet) inside of the bag.

      1. +1 for the Kate. It’s a magical bag.

      2. I have the Jane and it’s awesome. I’m seriously in love. If you sign up for alerts on their site, they can go on sale–I think I got mine for 30% off. It does feel like a lot to pay for nylon, but it’s a well thought out bag (pockets! lightweight!). I will say, though, that the handle is already getting dinged up after only 6 months of use.

   2. Many of those Neverfulls are probably fake.

   3. I LOVE my neverful (medium), but get the large, it’s $25 bucks or so more, but you get extra height, and the reality is that in order for things not to fall out, you won’t fill it up all the way.

      Or, you can get the MK, macbook version and keep the valuables in the middle pocket, at a much more reasonable price.

      Also love my Le Pliage. You really can’t go wrong with any of the above!

      1. Funny how the Neverfull needs to be large to never get too filled up :)

   4. I had to google Neverfull. I feel so out of it…

      1. +1

      2. Me too! I doubt it would make too much of a statement to carry it around – half of us don’t even know enough to say, “Ooooh, look at her with her expensive bag.”

      3. +2. I have to say, whenever I see a LV bag I assume it’s a knockoff

      4. Me too. And then I thought that of all the bags “A report from the field” has been seeing, many are counterfeit.

   5. After much coveting and comparison shopping, I just landed on the Tumi Villa Quintessential Tote. It is perfect. Super lightweight, right length on the straps, lots of space and zips. I’ve carried laptop, ipad, wristlet & a stuffed redweld and it still zipped.

      1. I have a Tumi that I got as a graduation gift — it’s been so wonderful. Stylish enough to get compliments, sturdy and big enough to be useful, and the brand, while expensive, doesn’t seem too flashy.

3. I’m pregnant and DH announced he wants to end the marriage (getting pregnant was his suggestion, sooo….this is a surprise). We’re going to try counseling, but his behavior over the last few months says he’s already gone – if so, I think my preference is to divorce now and just add the newly single chaos to the new baby chaos.

   Has anyone here been single and pregnant before? Or can any single moms give advice for books, resources, etc? I’m looking for a therapist, and I’ve told some close friends, but I’m totally overwhelmed and sad…

   1. First, so sorry this is happening. I’ve never been in this situation, but there is a commenter who doesn’t post often anymore and generally only on weekends – Ruby. I think her marriage broke up either right before or immediately after her daughter (now a toddler) was born.

      1. So sorry. One of my friends dealt with this a few years back.

         If you have a lawyer already, check with him/her and see what custody arrangements (if any) will need to be written into the divorce agreement. If you plan on nursing, you should have full physical custody so you don’t have to pump more than necessary.

         Do you have family or other support people close by? Will your finances allow for hiring a baby nurse to help you at night to put baby back to sleep if he/she is colicky and won’t go right back to sleep? Or a babysitter a few days a week so you can take naps? Your friends will be able to help with this too, even if only for a few hours – sleep is key in the first few months. They may not know how to react or how to help, but for example, my friend had a few of us alternate babysitting for her in the evening, so we would bring her dinner and then she would take a nap while we were with the baby for a few hours between feedings.

         Also check out support groups for single (expecting) parents in the community and/or a faith group to which you belong.

   2. This is awful – I’m so sorry. Definitely look for a therapist, and look for one who includes grief counseling in their practice – I know we typically think of this as being for when someone dies, but you’re suffering a huge loss right now, and someone skilled in guiding people through loss is exactly what you need.

      Also your H is a toolface.

   3. I’m so sorry. There may be support groups for single parents at churches/temples/mosques that could be worth looking into.

   4. Im so sorry, thats horrible. Be extra gentle with yourself and do whatever is best for you and the baby. My biggest thing would just be to get copies of ALL financial statements and make sure no $$ are being hidden. You and the baby deserve not to be cheated. Is he going to coparent or is he completely leaving you to parent alone?

      1. OP here – I don’t know what he plans to do, and I don’t think he knows either. I suspect that eventually he’ll be a more involved parent if he has to plan and spend time alone with the baby (rather than relying on me to plan everything), but he’s completely checked out right now so for the short term I think I’ll be alone.

         1. If you’re willing to post your location, I’m sure someone will take you out for tea or steamed milk! Talking with someone who has never met your H might be a good way to strategize about the future.

            1. Agreed with anon! Hugs to you, OP.

            2. I’m in St. Louis and would be honored to take you out for milk and cookies!

   5. That sucks, I’m sorry. But as the proud daughter of a single mom, I can tell you it’s going to be okay! Think of you and your baby as a team.

      1. Love that.

      2. Another one here! Sorry you are going through this, but know that in the long run everything will be OK and your baby will be so lucky to have such a strong single mom as a role model. Many of us didn’t grow up in traditional nuclear families, and we turned out just fine.

   6. I’m hearing a lot about him deciding here. He wanted a baby. He wants a divorce. Please please make what happens next about what you want for you and the baby. The apartment? Half his retirement savings? You claiming the baby as a tax deduction? Full physical custody for a year with visitation on a schedule? Him taking baby for overnights twice a week? Totally possible this is completely off base, but it sounds like so far you’ve been very accommodating of his needs, and he no longer deserves that.

      1. +1 to this. He didn’t ask your permission when he decided to send your life in a tailspin.

      2. +100 to this. Not sure of your/his financial situation but in this instance, I’d recommend taking him for all he’s got.

      3. OP again – it’s true. I am really struggling to come to terms with the amount of manipulation that I now feel was part of the last year of our marriage. I had always seen myself as a strong, assertive woman, but now I feel like a delusional idiot. But I’m trying to be really practical right now since I’ve got a little one coming soon, and know that I’ve got time to heal my hurt feelings.

         Being an adult really stinks.

         1. Two words: Lawyer up.

            If you are in Los Angeles I can give you some good recommendations.

         2. Oh, and a million hugs. This is tough but you and Baby will get through it!!

         3. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s normal to assume you shouldn’t have to worry about your husband’s intentions or actions. You should be able to rely on your husband to be loyal to you.

            I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. You sound like a tough cookie who will pull through.

         4. Not delusional and not an idiot! This is on him.

         5. I’m so sorry. I’ll add to the gentle request to post your location because I want to take you out for a drink (of any sort).

            1. And another request- any beverages you like and a big hug

      4. Also, allow yourself to be open minded and consider doing what YOU want to do, not what everyone else thinks you should do. If he was 100% on board for a baby and you weren’t and you decided to go forth with him being the primary parent, hold him to that. Push for him to get primary residential rights and responsibilities if that is what you would prefer.

         If you think he is having some kind of mental break or midlife crisis, you can oppose/prolong the divorce (though I would recommend doing this with representation) until you are seeing clearly and can make more informed decisions. This will depend on your state though. Mine is conducive to quick divorces but someone can still contest the divorce and try to push the judge to order counseling etc. Other states require a waiting period (sometimes a year or more) if the other party doesn’t want to get divorced.

         I’m not saying to hang on and hope he comes around (unless you really think he is having some kind of crisis) but acting like you are for a bit can buy you sometime until you can make the bigger financial decisions. Lawyer up and quick. Don’t make any informal agreements and don’t sign anything without it being reviewed first.

         1. In some states, a divorce cannot be finalized if the woman (one of the women?) is pregnant.

            Blonde Lawyer has good points about slowing down the process while you go through the grief stages.

            If you need Seattle divorce lawyers, I’ve got some names.

   7. Anon, sorry that you are going through this. It will get easier as the time passes.

   8. I am so sorry you are going through this. Definitely take care of yourself as much as you can, and let yourself grieve.

   9. For some levity: you are not alone. Billy Crudup left Mary Louise Parker when she was 7 months pregnant with his child. And now she has a glamorous life and has adopted another kid and made her own family. Frankly, I think she got the better end of the deal. (He left her for Claire Danes, who is now married to Hugh Dancy.)

      1. See also “Heartburn,” in which Carl Bernstein leaves Nora Ephron when she’s seven months pregnant and she gets a best-selling book and hit movie out of it!

   10. This happened to one of my dearest friends 10 year ago (highschool sweetheart and they had even went through fertility help–so was completely out of the blue). Even though it was an amazingly difficult time, she came out of it a much stronger person and is one of the best moms I know. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I think that was one of the hardest things for her at first. Also, recognize that it gets easier over time. The hardest seemed to be when sleep was hard to come by and the little one was still too young to talk–getting to where you can interact was a huge weight lifted. Also, be gentle on yourself. She questioned a lot and did a lot of “what if’ing”–in the end, it’s better to just accept that sometimes people aren’t who you think they are and that doesn’t mean it’s through any fault of your own. Try to frame things around what is best for the baby rather than either of you or any preconceptions on what others may think. It may be hard at times to get this perspective. And this may sound weird to hear right now, but like I said, it’s been 10 years since–she has now remarried and is living a far happier and relaxed life than she ever would have had with the father. There is so much joy in their house. I’ve always been her biggest fan, but to see the way she completely came out of her shell and blossomed after going through that–I’m telling you, it was like a butterfly finally set free. And the bond she has with her oldest (she had more children later after meeting her now husband)is like nothing you could imagine. The two of them are like soulmates. It’s not an easy road by any means, but it all really turned out to be the best thing for them in the end.

       I truly am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this and at one of the most vulnerable points in life. But I do just want to share with you that you are by no means alone and it truly can get a lot better as time passes.

   11. No useful advice for this one, but just condolences and strong wishes of support heading your way. You and your baby can do this.

   12. You didn’t say how far along you are and if you have told people you are pregnant. But, if you didn’t really want to get pregnant and you did it just for him and he is now bowing out, you might still be able to bow out too if you are still within the legal abortion window. Keep your options open. Even if you have told someone, you can always say you “had a loss.” They don’t need to know how.

       If he waited to tell you he wanted a divorce until after that legal window, he is an extra d-bag and deserves all that you can throw on him or take from him.

   13. So sorry you are going through this – please take care of yourself.

   14. My tip – there are a couple different ways to structure a divorce. One is that you stucture it with on-going child support payments based on his income. The other involves more lump sum payments upfront. If he has income and money now – like if he’s worth money or you have money saved up or something – get the up front cash as much as you can. Because he sounds like the type who is going to fight alimony and child support tooth and nail. You *do not* want to be dealing with him AND dealing with court AND dealing with single motherhood all at the same time.

       Look – at this point you can’t avoid some form of shared custody in all likelihood – even if its minimal visits. But if you can avoid the constant chase for money – I’d do it as much as I can. (I’m not saying if he comes into money later he shouldn’t have to pay some towards the child – I’m just saying – if he has it now, go after it now – does this make sense.)

       Oh and get ALL agreement in writing now. No oral agreements and side agreements. And I agree with an earlier poster – he has made A LOT of the decisions in your marriage – time for you to make a few. Or at least demand a few things.

       1. My advice is this; Don’t try to be all nice and reasonable and only do what seems ‘fair’ even though everyone is telling you legally you could be getting a lot more. Because let me tell you, the story HE tells everyone is most likely going to be that YOU SCR$#ED HIM and took everything. Whether you did or not. So you’ll get nothing out of making agreements and not finding out how this should really go down.

          Lawyer. Up.
          Pick a good one, and then LISTEN TO THEM.

          Good luck. You can do it!

       2. This actually varies by state – lump sum upfront payments aren’t a realistic option everywhere, so again to the advice of talk to a lawyer. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and if you are anywhere near Oklahoma and need a stranger’s shoulder/ear (and maybe a cupcake delivery), let me know.

   15. Gosh Anon I’m so sorry your d-bag husband is behaving like this. My jaw dropped. Please add my voice to the crowd who will take you for drink(s) / provide casseroles / delicious baked goods / anything at all, if I’m even remotely close to your physical location. I’m in SF Bay Area. Also agree to lawyer up & fight the fight now. I was VERY fair to my ex (he got the house, the car, and most shared possessions, and I paid him informal alimony for a year [no kids]) and he still seems to think that he had it worse. So I wouldn’t bother bending over backwards.

   16. Do what is best for you and your baby.

       Sometimes people tend to think that having a happy family and good emotional environmental for a child is having two parents, which is NOT true. What is important is that the child feels protected, safe and happy and if that means one parent or both parents is absent, so be it. If your DH decides to not be part of the child’s life, so be it. Do get child support after all he pushed for a child, but don’t force him to be part of the child’s life. Just don’t. The child will thank-you for that in the future as you will be not subjecting him/her to a father that doesn’t emotionally care for them and yes, children can tell if one parent does not want them.

       And if the father decides to leave, do tell your child the truth. Don’t lie no matter how hard it will be. Honesty is the best policy. And if the child hates the father it is not your fault. He made the decision and there will be consequences. This happened to a close friend. Father hit her and she left with the baby and later met someone else. Ex wanted to get back together, but she told him no and he left her with the child and all of his obligations to that child without a care in the world. Now the child thinks my friend’s new partner is his father and she just shrugs and says, ” I did tell him if that he left and our son called another man “Dad” that it would be his fault. He was the one that left and he can only be angry at himself.” True. A good parent is not someone that does the deed and helps conceive a child, it is someone that this there for the late nights, diaper changes, etc.

       1. My only problem with this advice is that it assumes she wants the baby and he doesn’t. It could very well be the opposite. I think it is unfair to give advice that allows him to walk away from parenting but doesn’t allow her the same.

4. Want to thank those who gave suggestions last week on savory breakfast to bring to work. Currently having a mini frittata with mushrooms, broccoli, potatoes and feta!

   1. This sounds delicious!

   2. Yay for breakfast! And nice work on the ingredients, sounds like an awesome combo i might have to steal that! ;o)

5. I have an LLBean tote bag, medium with longer straps and a zip top. I use it as my everyday tote, (extra shoes, lunch, iPad, etc.) and carry a handbag as well. I have used it on several trips as my carry-on and it’s perfect because it is very sturdy. I love it, and if and when it is not work- worthy in appearance I’ll get another. It might not be right for someone in a very corporate environment. Mine is monogrammed, (what can I say? I am a prep) with a diamond shape mono, which they no longer offer.

6. I seem to be the most disorganized person in the morning ever – I’m always running late and if my lunch isn’t pre-packed into containers that I can grab on my way out, I don’t end up bringing my lunch to work. My problem however is breakfast. I never eat breakfast because I don’t have anything ready to go. Any suggestions on something I could grab on my way out and eat at my desk?

   Thanks ladies!

   1. Yogurt, especially Greek yogurt. Tons of protein to keep you going. Hard boiled eggs are good too, although they smell more than yogurt.

      1. ahhh I hate it when people eat hard boiled eggs or tuna fish (canned) around me! I realize this is my own issue and most people don’t mind the smell but generally I think it’s best to eat non-smelly foods in the workplace…

         I second the greek yogurt suggestion. Also pop tarts! Not very nutritious but certainly delicious, and it’s nice to have something warm and toasty in your hand when you head out into the fall/winter morning.

         1. I’ve never noticed hard-boiled eggs being smelly either, unless they’ve gone all rotten. Ew.

         2. And I can’t stand the smell of yogurt or bananas…

            I don’t really think of eggs having a strong smell/smell that carries…

      2. I worry about my sense of smell, as I’ve never noticed that boiled eggs smell, but I agree in principle about smelly food not being good!

   2. I have organization problems too – one way I combat this is by keeping food supplies already at work (this may not work if you don’t have a kitchen/if people tend to steal food from the office fridge/etc.). I keep a box of individual packs of oatmeal in my desk and eat that for breakfast when I get to work, and for lunch, I bring in supplies for the whole week on Monday, so I only have to think about it once (“supplies” are usually a big container of lettuce/spinach, a box of cherry tomatoes, avocados, and a protein like pre-cooked veggie burgers or a can of black beans or cold cuts or similar, which I use for salads daily). We’re also stocked with community snacks like yogurt and granola bars, so I don’t have to worry about bringing snacks in, but if I did have to bring my own snacks, I’d probably just bring in 5 yogurts every Monday and call it a week.

      1. +1 on instant oatmeal packets at my desk. I like the “high fiber” ones and order them in bulk from Amazon. I just get a little hot water and a coffee mug and I have a bunch of spoons at my desk. You can also add raisins but mine always dry out.

         For lunch, I have to have it both in the containers and then have the containers in the bag I am going to take it in or I will eat out or not eat at all. I make the stuff that takes longer on Sunday nights- bake 2 large sweet potatoes, cook the chicken, turkey, or steak, make rice, etc. Then, each night, I pack my individual lunch for the next day by throwing pre-cooked stuff in together or on top of a salad, etc. I have soup cans at my desk and a frozen Amy’s in the work freezer if I can’t do that. But trust me, you are not alone. You just have to force yourself to do it the night before and on the weekends.

         1. +2 on instant oatmeal packets, whatwhat!! I also keep nuts and dried cranberries to mix in there. And agree with KKH on keeping food/coffee at work. So much easier.

            1. +3 on instant oatmeal, but maybe try switching up your flavors. I used to constantly have the Maple and Brown Sugar variety until a friend told me that I smelled like maple syrup :/

   3. Pre-packaged protein shakes. I like Muscle Milk Light. Store in the fridge at home or work and you are good to go. Or, stock your office with cups of oatmeal, cereal, shelf stable milk, fruit, cereal bars, trail mix, etc. Then you only have to do a re-stocking every 1-2 weeks instead of every day.

      1. trader joes also sells a protein shake (they come in a can) that comes in chocolate or vanilla. I only drink them once in a while because they are made with artificial sweetener, which i dont love, but they serve their purpose — much more filling than just a bar but also do not ahve to be in the fridge. Also, I mix the chocolate one with coffee, which is pretty yummy.

      2. I like protein bars. Target has a brand called Pure Protein that I like. I keep a box in my office and eat one for breakfast every morning.

   4. I’m the same with lunch, but I am good about breakfast at work.

      I take in yoghurts and (recently) packs of ham for protein. Also, if you are a cereal person, assuming there is a fridge at your office, keeping a box of cereal and milk/yoghurt in the fridge works well.

   5. I make a big batch of steel cut oats or oat bran (Bobs Red Mill is my fave) on Sunday. Then I can portion it out during the week. I’ll usually heat it up in the microwave at work. Maybe also package some fruit or granola. I also made a frittata for the first time. I cut it up into individual pieces so I can grab and go.

   6. Oatmeal, dial up the nutrition with the add-ins. Can just leave all the stuff in the office and will last awhile. Here: http://travelmoreroads.com/save-time-money-on-breakfast-while-traveling/

   7. I’ve been making refrigerator oats to eat at work the next morning lately and totally love it. It keeps me full all morning. Here’s my approximate recipe:

      1/2 cup oats
      dash salt
      about 1/8 tsp of cinnamon
      2 large spoonfuls of yogurt (or a single serve container)
      1-2 Tbsp of milk (until I get the consistency I want)
      Mix all together – you may need some trial & error to get the consistency right. You want it runnier than what you like to eat because the oats absorb the moisture over night. Then I top with frozen (or fresh) berries. Banana would be good too.

      Totally my new favorite breakfast.

   8. Do you have a rice cooker? You can do steel cut oats in the morning. We put ours on a timer at night and wake up to hot fresh oats. I’m terrible about eating breakfast in the morning — feel too stressed, but if the oats are there I’ll eat a bowl as I get ready.

      1. I do this in my slow cooker – I make a big batch and put in smaller glass tupperware bowls for the next 3-4 days. Grab it on the way out, heat at work. Simplicity is key in the morning.

   9. Make a quiche on Sunday (filled with whatever leftovers you want to ditch — chicken, spinach, cheeses, other random veggies), cut it into 6 pieces, and put a piece in a baggie to take with you to work (or if you’re me, eat on the walk). It’s good warm or cold and requires no prep on busy mornings (and will keep you full a *little* longer than a poptart) ;-).

7. How would you react to your boyfriend telling you (and later walking it back) that he sometimes prefers to sleep alone? For background, we sleep together at one of our places probably 5 out of 7 nights, so it’s not like we’re sleeping together every single night, but certainly most of the time. We’ve been together for about 6 months and he’s definitely been the one moving the relationship forward. I got really upset when he said this last night, and he felt terrible and swore he just meant he wanted to sleep in his own bed (I’m fine sleeping at his place most of the time, but I have cats and need to be home at least every other night or I feel guilty). But I can’t get this out of my head now. It makes me sad because I don’t feel that way at all. The only exception I can think of is if I were sick I might want to sleep alone (or if we were fighting and I needed alone time). But I value sleeping with him more than being able to “stretch out” (which is what he said, and mind you, he’s the bigger cuddler in the relationship).

   Am I overreacting?

   1. When it comes to actually sleeping, I’m always happier to be alone in bed. I have restless leg and get vaguely claustrophobic and uncomfortable when someone is up against me in bed. My husband knows this and, despite his love of spooning, sleeps firmly on his side at night. But sometimes, I just have to move into the guest bed to get decent sleep. It could be that your BF has similar space issues. Talk to him about it and try not to take it personally.

      1. +1. My husband and I have very different sleep schedules and it is MUCH harder for me to fall asleep if he is there too – I don’t have enough space and get too hot. Don’t take it personally.

      2. For us it’s my dh that sometimes likes to sleep alone. He’ll sleep on the floor or the couch. Usually because he says I’m to hot, or he’s having trouble sleeping & doesn’t want to disturb me, or he’s just more comfortable sleeping on the floor/couch. I never take it personally because I know he loves me, and it’s been a regular thing in our 19+ year marriage. In fact, during my last pg I kicked him out of bed because of his snoring, and we slept in separate rooms for 4-5 months. Definitely was more about getting sleep than about the state of our relationship.

      3. My BF and I only spent weekend nights together, until he got a king-sized beds. We just can’t sleep together in anything smaller. For reasons too complicated to go into, we were relegated to a queen-sized bed this weekend and could not sleep together in it – he is much bigger than me and rolled over on me like I was a mere lump in the mattress.

         But, I get the sadness. I also get that sleep is very, very important and wouldn’t be seriously hurt by someone in a relationship saying, Hey, I’m really exhausted and just need to sleep by myself that night. Again, for reasons too complicated to go into, I am anticipating sleeping separately from the BF fairly often over the next few months and it makes me sad. I think our relationship somehow got a little better once we started spending every night together, in a large, comfortable bed. This probably won’t break our relationship, but I know I will miss being together at night.

         Seconding what someone else said about trying separate blankets/sheets, too, it’s so annoying to be almost asleep and then have the blankets pulled off of you!

   2. Yes you are overreacting! Having a preference for sometimes sleeping alone isn’t a verdict on you or your relationship. It’s a preference. Just like some people like to recharge with alone time and some recharge with others, some like sleeping alone from time to time.

   3. To make you feel better I much much prefer to sleep alone. My husband and I start out in the same bed and I ditch him for the guest room every night. I think it is mostly related to personal sleeping issues/preferences and has nothing to do with you or the relationship.

   4. Eh, I get where he is coming from. I couldn’t sleep with DH every night until we got a king-sized bed and that was 3 years after we started dating. It can take a while to prefer sleeping with someone over sleeping alone. Even in hotels now, if we have a double room, we usually sleep in separate beds. I get plenty of affection from him otherwise and vice versa so I don’t think that my not being within 12 inches of him every night while we are both basically unconscious is going to doom our relationship. Plus, at 6 months, he might still need some time to himself. If he can get it by sleeping alone a few nights a week, that’s probably better than him limiting his waking time with you.

      1. OP here. He’s definitely super affectionate both while cuddling before bed and while we’re awake. I’m not sure why this is bothering me so much. I’ve also asked him if he needs more space (I feel like we got serious somewhat quickly, at his initiative) and he said no. I guess it bothers me that he might have been feeling this way for a long time and never said anything til now? So I was happily cuddling/sleeping away with him and he was wishing he was somewhere else? I dunno. But thanks for the reality check, ladies, I’ll go easy on him.

         1. Maybe he didn’t say anything because he’s met you before and knew you’d overreact, and since it’s not a big deal for him he didn’t need it to turn into one for you?

         2. It was bothering him, and he said something. Give him credit for saying something when it became an issue. He knows you can’t read his mind so he did the grown up thing by communicating it to you. Be happy that he knows he can tell you things!

            1. +1

               And I might add that you want to be careful not to make this such a huge dramatic deal that he ends up being sorry he said something. Honest communication is behavior that should be reinforced, even if the content is uncomfortable!

   5. I seriously would not take this as any statement about your relationship. I think you’re probably putting undue freight on his statement by framing it as “valuing” stretching out (i.e., being selfish and without you) over cuddling (i.e., being loving and with you). You can love cuddling but have trouble sleeping that way. My husband and I start the night curled up together, but each migrate over to our own sides throughout the night. I had a boyfriend who couldn’t sleep if even one inch of skin was touching — it just kept him too awake.

      Please, please don’t make this about his feelings about you if this is the only issue. I’m more of an alone person about some things and, early in our relationship, I think my husband often felt hurt. It was really hard because when I said “I like to do [X] by myself” he took it as me meaning “without you” when what I really meant was “without ANYone.” He gets it now, and realizes there are things he prefers doing alone, too. If there are other things in your relationship that are issues, then sure, take this as part of the whole. But from what you’ve said here, including about him walking it back and him moving the relationship forward, I would say this is 1000% about sleep and 0% about you.

      1. It was really hard because when I said “I like to do [X] by myself” he took it as me meaning “without you” when what I really meant was “without ANYone.

         This is such a key distinction and a good point for preventing hurt feelings.

   6. While I agree with the other comments, I probably would have reacted in the exact same way as you. Yeah you’re being a little sensitive, but I get it — I’m sure it felt like he was saying he didn’t want to spend these nights with you! Anyway listen to everyone else but know you’re not the only one :)

      1. +1.

         I also found that having two separate blankets, one for each of us, helped DH and I co-sleep much more easily. Maybe not helpful for the OP but perhaps for other readers.

         1. oh yeah. we sleep in the same (queen) bed but have separate blankets. We’re both “blanket stealers” so separate bedding helps so much.

         2. +2 for separate bedding. DH and I have very different ideas about how much bedding is enough (ie, he sleeps with a down comforter year round, I rotate based on seasons).

         3. Definitely! When I was married, it was too hot to sleep under the same covers with my H. I started sleeping under a throw with my feet sticking out and I still do it.

   7. I would sleep alone if it was feasible. I’m a fidgeter and a light sleeper, and I love sleep. Don’t take it personally. Sleep is just really important to some people and it can be hard to sleep with someone else in the bed.

   8. Agreed that you’re overreacting. How big is your or his bed? My husband and I are currently sharing a double (yes, really), and it is such a treat when he’s away, or I’m traveling, or we’re on vacation and we can sleep in a queen (let alone a king)… I can stretch out without touching him! If your bed is smaller he could just be a bit uncomfortable.

      1. we both have double (or “full”) beds.

         1. When my H and I started dating, I think we could have been content in a twin bed together. ;) After a few months, my full size seemed tight. I upgraded to a queen. Now 11 years in, we have a king and it sometimes feels too small. I think it’s just the natural progression of things. (and don’t get me wrong, I still love him, I just love my space too)

            1. On my goodness, yes. When my husband and I were dating, we shared a pillow! Now there’s like Mount Pillow between us most nights.

         2. Oh good lord no wonder he wants to sleep alone. You are over reacting, it wasn’t until we were living together that I preferred sleeping with DH.

   9. I don’t think anyone has mentioned this, but for all of you who prefer your sleeping space, have you thought about getting separate comforters? I did this last year and oh. my. god. it has changed my sleeping life! I sleep so much better now because there’s never any comforter struggles going on, and I like being snuggled up anyway, which you can’t really do with another person. On top of that, my husband gets colder than I do at night, so he needs a thicker comforter.

   10. I always sleep better alone. I compromise regularly because I enjoy the companionship but weeks on end of sleeping with company makes me tired and irritable.

   11. When actually sleeping, I prefer to sleep alone. I like sleeping with my husband, but if I need deep, undisturbed sleep, one of us needs to go to the guest room if we are in the same place…. Has zip. zero, nada to do with our feelings for each other….

       You may be overreacting….

8. So my boyfriend just started working night shifts, because his department was virtually eliminated (they’re down to two employees) and he was told he could either leave the company or move to this position in it. He couldn’t afford to be unemployed, so he agreed to take it. It sucks a lot and so far, he’s been completely miserable. I don’t even know what I can do to support him through this, aside from repeating over and over, “I’m so sorry. I know this is hard but it isn’t forever.” I just feel so useless and powerless. I don’t know if this is a vent or what. I just hate the US labor market and the fact that this amazing man, who is so smart and talented in so many ways, is being forced into second-shift manual labor just because he doesn’t have a college degree and our area’s building boom went off a cliff just as he was starting an apprenticeship in a skilled, building-related trade.

   1. My bf started night-shift in February. I will echo your sentiment that it can be miserable at times. As far as ways to make it better for him, I’ve found it’s important for my bf to maintain some normalcy in our relationship despite his odd hours. I work 8:30-5:30 and he works 9 PM – 9 AM typically. I’ve made an effort to switch my gym-time to the morning so that nighttime is reserved for us to spend time together. When I get home from work I wake him up and lay in bed for a few mins, then we have a solid 2-3 hours to cook or go out to dinner / watch tv / be a normal couple. It’s also important to help him maintain a solid sleep schedule – we live together but have separate bedrooms so that even on weekends his bedroom is sleep-friendly during the day. Also, he can feel isolated socially because he works many weekend nights. We always have friends over or a fun night planned when he gets a weekend night off. This way he still feels like he’s participating in the social world!

9. Pregnancy question alert — I have had terrible pain in my hips at night for the last couple of weeks. It’s bad enough to wake me up every 30 min or so. In the first half of the night, turning over to the other side is enough to fix it, but after a few hours of this, both hips (and sometimes the outside of my knees) hurt enough that neither side is good. I’ve tried putting pillows of various sizes and shapes in various places, but it doesn’t help. Doing some walking during the day, and then doing some leg stretches before bed helps some. Does anyone have any good suggestions? I spent a lot of yesterday in the car and last night, I barely slept between 2:00am and my alarm at 6:30 because of the pain. Would love any and all suggestions!

   1. Maybe read about SPD pain? Mine manifested differently (felt like I’d been kicked in the groin from week 28 on — my doc was no help and I had no idea what to Google) but yours may be pelvic alignment issues also. See a physical therapist asap — the pain gets much worse as the pregnancy progresses.

      1. Thanks! I’ll definitely bring it up at my next appointment.

   2. Did your pillow placing efforts involve putting pillows between your knees? I could never get the hip pain to go away completely but I could keep it at tolerable levels with a Snoogle plus 2 regular pillows. Stretching before bed helped me too, and swimming was much better for me than walking.

   3. Pregnancy massage will help with the tightness, and if you can do some prenatal yoga, that will also help. Also, one of these:

      http://www.mycomfortu.com/comfort-u.html

      I would double it up and put 2 layers between my knees, which helped a lot.

   4. I would get horrible pains in one side of my pelvis, posterior if I was on my feet too long. Not SPD, but if I was laying down, it would “catch” and I would be immobilized. Heating pads helped some as did lots of pillows in bed.

   5. I had a similar pain with my second pregnancy and agree that stretching and heating pads help. But the single best thing for me was one of those pregnancy body pillows. I’d sleep on the top part and curl it so it was between my knees. It supported my hips way better than the standard pillows I had been using. I used the Leechco one, I believe.

      A word of warning, though. Once I was huge (30 weeks on), turning over in bed with that pillow was anything but graceful. I often felt like I was wrestling a python when I rolled over with it.

   6. When I was pregnant with my twins, I would get terrible hip/joint pain when I slept in a bed that wasn’t my own. Before I was pregnant, I coudn’t stand how soft our mattress was, but during pregnancy it was the only place I could sleep. Any chance you could try a softer sleep surface? Or Tylenol before bed?

   7. With my first pregnancy, I hit 27 weeks and started getting horrible shooting pain in my right hip/butt/lower back. My doctors recommended stretching and heat, but that made it worse. They also more or less suggested that I would just have to suck it up and it would get better after the baby was born. It had gotten to the point where I was in constant excruciating pain, so I insisted on physical therapy, which fixed things almost immediately.

      Mostly I did a series of core-strengthening exercises, with and without an exercise ball. In addition to the exercises, it helped immensely to really focus on using my abdominal muscles when moving, especially when sitting down, standing up, or getting out of bed; sitting on firmer chairs (we have a really squishy sofa which was allowing my hip bones to move wherever they wanted); and trying to be “symmetrical” as much as possible (no twisting to pick things up, no sitting with one leg tucked under, etc.). Getting in and out of the car and sleeping were most difficult. I ended up sleeping on my back, but using pillows to prop up my upper body so I wasn’t completely prone.

      After a few weeks of doing the exercises and being careful, the pain was completely gone. However, if I twisted in a funny way or tried to lift something too heavy, it would come back and I’d have to start over again. It really sucked, but the good news is my abs were pretty strong by the end of pregnancy! And with the second pregnancy, it never got that bad because as soon as I felt hip pain coming on, I’d start up with the exercise/symmetry routine.

      Good luck, and hopefully you find something that works for you!

      1. Thanks. It’s not really a shooting pain at all. It’s more like soreness. Like my joint is being slightly pulled in both directions (it’s the top hip that hurts) until after a half hour, it’s been pulled too much. As for the pillow-between-the-knees suggestions, yep, that’s what I tried and it made it worse. I’ve also tried not crossing my ankles to try to keep all my joints better aligned and it doesn’t seem to help.

         1. You’ve probably tried this already, but I find that my belly kind of pulls across my top hip when I’m laying on my side, making my hip sore. I got a wedge pillow for under the bump and use it about 2x/week, which is all it takes to relieve my hips. Good luck!

            1. I forgot the wedge pillow! MAGICAL. :)

         2. I had something very similar to what you’re describing. I tried every pillow combination possible. I ended up fixing it with a Snoogle pillow wrapped behind my back and between my lower thighs, with a small soft decorative pillow under my belly. I was able to lean slightly back on the Snoogle which realigned my hips, but yet still support the belly so I wasn’t being twisted forward. (Although it was awful to re-position every time I had to turn over or go to the bathroom.) Until about week 36, when it came back with a vengence. Then I just got a pre-natal massage once a week until the end.

   8. I had similar pain and the pregnancy pillow helped me SO MUCH!
      The Leachco Back and Belly pillow is the one I used. You put your head on the center of the big inverted “U” and can turn on either side and use the pillow to support your knee. One knee above the pillow and one below.
      I was in a lot of pain and one weekend was really at the end of my tether, polled all my mom friends in frantic messages which led to my discovery of this.

   9. On the plus side, my hip pain pretty much went away as soon as I delivered. Beautiful baby girl and no more hip pain–awesome! However, waiting to get that reward wasn’t always pleasant. Mine was related to a torn hip labrum–I was actually diagnosed the month I got pregnant and right before I started PT for the injury. I got better and then as I got bigger, it hurt more. Heating pads helped as did using lots of pillow at night (my husband actually called it Mt. Pillow). I did have to stop working out at about 30 weeks because even easy workouts would have me limping for days which seemed a little counterproductive.

   10. Oh, I suffered with this exact thing when I was pregnant. Prenatal massage and yoga helped some, as did getting one of those foam rollers (like you use in pilates) for home. My yoga instructor showed be how to roll back and forth on that at night and it provided some relief. The biggest thing, though, was getting as much cushioning between me and the mattress as I could possibly manage…I had a twin-sized feather bed that I folded in half and slept on, and in retrospect, I should have just bought a good think memory foam topper, regardless of the expense. I will absolutely do that before my next pregnancy.

10. So, I work in a small office of a big law firm, and I wanted to hear people’s thoughts on non-traditional relationships and the office. We’re having a work event soon and the office manager sent an email asking for the names of each of our dates. Which seems like an innocuous enough question, except I’m dating (and living with) more than one person. I’m sure this might out me to a few people I know, so going anon, but I’m assuming the best course of action here is to keep my non-standard private life private, and (despite the fact that the office is fairly tight-knit) just not talk about my people at work? I suppose I could also just bring one, but I think that it might be more awkward than it’s worth (both at home and re: making conversation at the event)? Both of my partners are professional, straight-laced people, there are just three of us instead of two.

    I know one other friend from way back who’s likely to face this problem in the future, but she’s abroad right now anyway and it hasn’t yet come up for her. What say you? Better to pretend not to have a personal life or be open?

    1. 1) What do your partners think about this? Have you had this talk yet? Are you privately going places as a party of three? Do you go to their office events?
       2) Do you socialize with your officemates and do any of them know your partners? I’d say that a formal work event may be a bit awkward without any friendly alliances already in place.

       1. 1) We haven’t yet had to deal with this at my office, because I previously worked in a bigger office that didn’t socialize as much. And it’s something I’ll need to discuss with them, too, but they both work in less traditionally conservative fields. We go places privately together, but this is first time an office event has come up. I’ve met people they both work with, and they know a number of my law school friends and some former colleagues, but no one at the current office.
          2) I socialize with one other person from work (she knows about my partners, but hasn’t met them yet), and everyone else seems to be bringing their wives/husbands/SOs (they’re all in relationships and talk about families at work quite openly).

    2. Well, you probably get a plus one, so either bring one of them or go alone. I don’t think you have to pretend to not have a personal life, but at the same time, probably no one cares to hear the details and it’s unlikely that people will be totally cool with it. I’d just say that your SO couldn’t make it.

       1. I think you’re right that it’s unlikely people will be totally cool with it, or even mostly cool with it (my friends have been pretty great, but they’re more liberal). I’d almost rather not go, because I feel as though this sort of thing is going to invite questions about my personal life either way (from the plus ones if not my colleagues), and I really don’t want to have to lie directly, but I have to. “I’m not bringing anyone” is probably the easiest and shortest answer.

    3. The idealistic side of me says be open. Provided, of course this is something you *want* to be open about – simply because the event offers you an opportuinty to bring a guest, that does not automatically mean you need to reveal your personal life if you are not ready. Plus, you would know better than us how this aspect of your life will be recieved by your co-workers.

       However, the more practical side of me says that you should either bring one or none of your significant others, since the event budget is probably only for employee plus one. It seems a bit presumptuous to RSVP for more than one guest when that is what you are offered.

       So, as I usually do, I wind up in the middle of the road. I thinkyou RSVP for one guest, or no guests, to this event. If you are looking to reveal your non-traditional relationship, I would recommend working that into normal every-day conversations. Once people are aware of your relationship, that gives the event-planner and host the opportunity to extend you a “plus-two” instead of a “plus-one.”

       1. Thank you! And oh yeah, I definitely don’t think I’d expect a “plus two” because, as you’ve mentioned budget/logistics/etc. This is more just that this situation is causing me to realize that this office is much closer and has certain expectations regarding private lives being discussed at the office, and it was just a lot easier before when no one at work really paid attention or cared who I was living with! I think I was just having a bit of a panic response this morning at the invite, because I wasn’t expecting it.

       2. I really wish I knew more than one other lawyer who was (even socially) openly poly!

          1. Lawyer here too. I would be interested in talking with someone else in the legal field who’s exploring this. Landmines everywhere! I’m debating how open I want to be about it in my professional life. Could I contact you?

             1. Not OP, but similar shoes and would be interested in talking. Is there an easy way to do that anonymously other than creating a rando gmail?

    4. I never had two live-in partners at a time, so I would always bring the one I lived with to events like this. In casual conversation at work I would say things like “My boyfriend and I did XYZ this weekend,” “My boyfriend is picking me up for lunch today.” They don’t necessarily need to know that I am not always talking about the same person when I say “My boyfriend.”

       Maybe you can bring one partner to this event, and the other to the next one. If you keep alternating, perhaps the light will dawn.

       1. Parfait has a good solution.

          Y’all lead lives that are much more interesting than mine…boring over-the-hill person here.

          1. So – to offer a counterpoint, if a coworker brought one partner to this event, the other to the next one, and kept alternating, it would never in a million years dawn on me that my coworker was in a poly relationship. I would just assume that she/he kept breaking up and going back and forth from one to the other.

    5. No real advice but maybe you could see how others deal with it in “sister wives” communities? I’m sure the men in those relationships have to decide which wife to bring to work functions and whether to be open about it.

11. A big Thank You to those who offered suggestions to my post on the Weekend Open Thread re: legal recruiters in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I looked at and submitted my resume to Lateral Link and Newhouse Noblin over the weekend. Any advice in general on how to announce to your network that you are looking for a job? I do not want to come off as desperate, but I want everyone to know that I am looking in case someone hears about a great opportunity. Thanks again!

    1. Just mention to your friends and colleagues that you’re looking for a new opportunity and ask that they let you know if they hear of any openings. If I remember correctly, your position is being eliminated so you can be more open about your search than if you were looking to lateral to a similar position elsewhere.

12. I have a somewhat important meeting tomorrow and am wondering how this outfit sounds. If it matters I’m in finance and we’re meeting with outside attorneys. Good/bad feedback is welcome, I am style disabled at times.

    darkish/medium green Halogen skirt from Nordstrom
    white button up shirt with roll up button sleeves (but can be worn down too) that is that new soft fabric from The Limited.
    Black tights or hose – no sure which would be more professional looking (more see throughy hose I think)
    Black pumps

    It sounds so boring but I don’t know what else to wear. How can I tie the green of the skirt into the rest of the outfit? Or do I need to?

    1. Are you wearing a jacket? I am in probably one of the least formal offices around, but I think most people here would probably recommend a jacket. Maybe black or gray.

       As far as tying in the green, how about a necklace or earrings? You don’t want to be too matchy, though – I personally love dark purple with dark green so maybe jewelry in dark purple? Hmm, maybe a scarf with green in it?

       I think with this I may also be in the running for Most Fashion-Challenged.

       1. There’s three of us in my group (me and two guys). I asked the guys if they’re going to wear jackets and they said no. Our city is less formal than a lot of other cities. Thanks for the feedback! I love the idea of dark purple with dark green. Dark purple is my favorite color. Thanks for the feedback…keep it comin.

          1. Even if no jacket, I would probably add a cardigan on top.

             1. Even if no jacket, I would probably add a cardigan on top.

          2. I feel like gray is the Universal Donor/Recipient of colors. You do have to be a bit careful with warm vs cool gray, but I think it’s less stark than black. Just play around a little, but I bet it wouldn’t be too difficult to find a nice gray cardigan that goes with the green skirt and also with a million other things in your closet.

          3. I think cardigans are less professional looking than not wearing anything on top of a shirt at all.

13. Hive – I am so happy. This weekend I went to Saver’s (a BIG thrift store) and found a Lauren by Ralph Lauren women’s suit vest from a season or two ago that full retail would have been $170 or so and got it for $8.99. Its beautiful and fits really well. Now I can live out my Neal Caffrey or Tom Hiddleston dress-up dreams for work in real life! I wore it to church on Sunday and really liked it, so I plan to try it out for worky work this week (does anyone else test out work outfits on the weekend first, just to make sure you don’t feel silly first?)

    Anyway – just celebrating a potential outfit in advance. [Its brown houndstooth – but I’m pairing it with a white silk shirt, black pants and my new tan oxford shoes – its one of the few brown and black mixes I work with – but I really dig it. I think it would also work with a pencil skirt and under a navy blazer. Any other ideas?]

    1. Yay!!! :) You can also put it with camel or a dark hunter green – I am wearing a houndstooth jacket today with green sweater and camel skirt. :)

    2. I find magical things at Saver’s all the time, it’s one of my favorite places. Truthfully, I think what happens is that the pricers who work there (at least at some locations) aren’t familiar with the retail prices of some higher-end brands, so you end up with amazing steals (examples: Elie Tahari, Joe’s Jeans, Escada Sport jeans, 7s, and an 80s-era Christian Dior blazer all priced for <$10, but Lucky jeans/Coach bags/Juicy Couture will be priced at $30+, even when visibly worn/damaged).

       1. Precisely – *everything* there seems to be priced the same or nearly the same. So you’ll see a Jones New York next to a no-name shirt for the same price. Or the vest was next to old lady sweater vests for the same price. So if you know your brands and size you can get a steal (I did get a JNY shirt and a Zara dress and a few other items for a ridiculous deal as well. Jackets, especially dress jackets though, are the BEST at Saver’s. Like long wool jackets for $14.99 for designer wool jackets. Gotta love it.)

    3. I’m totally into vests and wear them with turtlenecks a lot (in addition to button-fronts, which it sounds like you’re already doing). For my non-suit vests I sometimes go with t-shirts too, for the weekend.

14. My DH and I are visiting our son in San Francisco this weekend (Fri-Sun) and it’s also my birthday. Our hotel is near Union Square and our son lives in outer Richmond (34 th & Fulton). We need to keep this relatively inexpensive as money is tight. Any suggestions for fun places to eat that won’t break the bank?

    1. Lots of cheap yummy Chinese/Thai places around the 4th and Clement area. See also Q and Burma Superstar around there. (Those will have a long wait but are so worth it.) Best bookstore in the world, Green Apple, is there as well. Anyway, that area is about halfway between those neighborhoods and is one of my favorites.

       Ooh, Khan Toke Thai on Geary also.

    2. Not cheap, but an excellent place for a drink is the View Lounge on top of the Marriott on 4th (assuming it’s somewhat clear…if it’s cloudy but the clouds are high, you’ll still get a good view of the city lights at night). Drinks are $10-15, but if you want a small, affordable splurge on your actual birthday I recommend it. You can hit up a cheaper place for dinner nearby afterward.

    3. There’s a great Italian restaurant with pizza oven in the mall where Bloomindale’s is. We stumbled upon it for early dinner as tourists. It looks like an historic place with the domed and mosaic ceiling.

       Surely locals know what I remember?

       1. Cupola. It’s surprisingly good for a place in a mall!

       2. Cupola Pizzeria. http://www.cupolasf.com/

    4. Belden Place is a great little pedestrian street with several fun restaurants. I especially like Cafe Bastille. Not super cheap but not break-the-bank expensive, either.

    5. My favorite place in the Outer Richmond is Pizetta 211 at 23rd and California. Also a lot of good spots around the corner there on Clement.

    6. Thanks everyone for the great suggestions!

15. For breakfast, you can’t beat Dottie’s True Blue Cafe. You will have to wait in line outside on the sidewalk, but it will be totally worth it. I had the banana chocolate chip pancakes and thought I’d died and gone to heaven!

    1. Sorry, that was for So Cal Gal re: San Francisco eateries!

16. I think I need some objective opinions on whether my expectations are reasonable. My BF of two years is leaving the military soon and will be going to grad school. He has made every indication that he wants to get married soon and that we will plan out the next few years together–ie we will make the decision of where he goes to school together based on employment opportunities for me and where he gets in (we have been long distance/semi long distance for the duration of our relationship, including a recent deployment). I am SO excited to finally plan our lives together and move forward. Right now he is driving distance away, but we can only spend 2-3 weekends/month together, and this is the most we have every been able to see each other.

    My BF recently told me he is planning a one month-long trip to South East Asia with a friend when he gets out of the military and I am very hurt. The biggest reason being that I would never choose to be away from my him for an entire month. This is just a backpacking trip, so he is in complete control of length. It is exacerbated by the fact that it is our first opportunity to spend significant time together and figure our lives out –we have a lot of big decisions to make very soon. The entire time we have been long distance, I have been very supportive because I know it was out of his hands, but now that he will be in control of his life for the first time in our relationship, he is planning a MONTH long trip with someone else.

    I will also be partially supporting him financially while he is in grad school. If this was a one-time thing I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but he is adamant that month long vacations without your husband/wife gf/bf are completely normal and that I’m unreasonable–so i’m worried this will come up every time our schedules our different in regards to vacation time. I am an attorney and have pretty good flexibility as far as vacation time goes, but obviously could not take an entire month off.

    I’m generally pretty independent, and he’s done a couple trips without me before, but it was clear that I was invited and just couldn’t go for time/money reasons. I also think “boys trips” are awesome and wouldn’t think twice if he was going for a week or two. I guess I expected him to realize 1 month was a bit much, especially considering what we’ve been through and what a pivotal time in our relationship this is, after I told him how I felt. But he did not sympathize at all and said I was being selfish.

    Help?!

    1. The biggest red flag here is that you will be supporting him financially while he is in law school. It’s one thing if you subsidize lifestyles a bit (ie you take him out to dinner because you want a fancy dinner) its something totally different if you are going to be paying bills.

       Also the fact that he went forward in the planning without speaking about it with you, and now is doubling down by saying you are being selfish, is very very red flaggy (thats a word right)

    2. He shouldn’t “sympathize” — he should man up. He’s spending a bunch of money to go on a vacation and then expecting you to subsidize his life for 2+ years? Not Okay. I would be very uncomfortable with this setup but honestly, I don’t know what I would do. If he’s going to go on this trip, you certainly can’t stop him, but it sounds like he’s not being an adult about the finances.

       1. This. Why are you helping him with grad school expenses when you aren’t married? That’s just giving money away with zero protections for you. Why can’t he take out loans and then if/when you two get married, you can help repay them? Why *aren’t* you getting married now? Have you had conversations about your future? Are you going to switch jobs to be with him for grad school, while he goes off gallivanting whenever?

          It sounds like a lot of flexibility and support from you to him, without it being returned.

          1. +1 to all of this.

       2. +1,000,000

          I think it’s fine for him to be taking the trip, but I think it is the furthest thing from fine for you to be supporting him when you are not married. I think it’s time to put on the brakes and see how you two are as a couple when you are in the same city, before you sign on to be his sugar mama.

       3. +2. Based on OP’s description, it seems like he also plans to take similar vacations by himself going forward, while OP is financially supporting him (at least partially). It sounds like a lot of accommodation on your part, and I am struggling to see any real commitment from him.

    3. There are very few times in your adult life that you can get away with taking a month off. I’d say this is one of them. If you are fundamentally ok with shorter vacations without your partner, I would say that this a an opportunity for a once in a lifetime trip and a length exception could be made.. Is it something that he might like to do with you? Perhaps, but you’ve already said that you aren’t available for a month long trip.

       1. This was my reaction too, but for the OP saying: “If this was a one-time thing I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but he is adamant that month long vacations without your husband/wife gf/bf are completely normal and that I’m unreasonable”…

          It’s clear that he doesn’t see this as a unique opportunity; he wants it to be a regular thing going forward and says she can basically take it or leave it because he won’t budge.

          1. This was my reaction too, but for the OP saying: “If this was a one-time thing I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but he is adamant that month long vacations without your husband/wife gf/bf are completely normal and that I’m unreasonable”…

             It’s clear that he doesn’t see this as a unique opportunity; he wants it to be a regular thing going forward and says she can basically take it or leave it because he won’t budge.

          2. Yeah, I think further conversations are in order. If his point is that he wants a guy’s trip of a week once a year, then it sounds like OP is ok with the concept. The fact that he thinks he can get a straight month of vacation every year is, perhaps, a bit delusional and likely not happening so it may be a non-issue. But, I agree that there are other bigger factors at play here such as the grad school subsidy and his general demeanor.

    4. If he’s got the money to go to Asia for a month (that’s like $4K in flights alone, sheesh) he’s got the money to buy his own ramen.

       It’s one thing to subsidize a partner’s living expenses when they need it, it’s another thing entirely to subsidize a partner’s living expenses so they can take lengthy vacations without you. You’re not engaged, you’re not married, and although it seems like he’s talking a good game on that front, his actions are telling you he’s planning for *I*, not *we*. Do the same.

       1. Well said.

    5. I agree that month-long trips without your SO can be completely normal and reasonable — IF both parties agree that they are. I like to travel and my boyfriend doesn’t really. My solo trips this year added up to about five weeks, altogether. HOWEVER, we are not on the marriage track yet and our finances are separate. I didn’t expect him to also pay for my trips or support me when I got back from them. That would not sit right with me.

       Y’all need to have a serious conversation about how you will make joint decisions together.

       That said, I kind of sympathize with him too. Woo hoo, at last I am free, after having my every move determined for me in the military for years. One last chance to go gallivanting around Asia with a backpack before I return home and settle down! I can totally see the appeal.

       1. As I said above, I’d agree with your last paragraph too–but he isn’t treating this as “for once.” I think the OP is wise to see this as a likely ongoing disagreement.

          1. Good point.

             The other thing that bothers me here is that you have been long-distance for the entire duration of the relationship. That means you have no experience with being together day in, day out. I’d get some of that under your belts before you start planning on marrying, and CERTAINLY before you start supporting him financially. It’s easy to be on your best behavior for a weekend at a time. Try a bunch of months in a row before you commit to the long haul.

    6. On the one hand, I really wish I had the funds/friends with availability to do that sort of trip before grad school/career took over. If you’ve been long distance anyway, what’s another month? Especially if you’re planning on being in the same city following the trip.

       As for the funds issue, I agree with preg 3L that I’d be irked if my guy blew off a ton of money and then I had to subsidize going forward. A friend dealt with that sort of situation where the sig other spent a ton of $ and time going on weekend trips while the partner saved $ and time to spend it for when they could get together. They are now moving forward and getting married, but for me that might have been a dealbreaker.

       I think that travel almost always helps a person grow and gain perspective so to the extent that it’s the time issue that’s bothering you, I would be supportive of it in view of the long term, even if the short term seems sucky.

    7. Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses. To be honest, I had not even really thought about the financial aspect of it much yet–at this point I’m still just hurt that he is choosing to leave me for that long considering the circumstances, and also worried that he thinks it’s ok to put that amount of resources (time/money) into something purely recreational that excludes your SO (by “ok” I just mean in our relationship, given that he knows how I feel–I know other people strike different balances).

       But you have all given me more to think about.

    8. I think there are a lot of different things going on here.

       First, it’s concerning that you told him how you felt and his response was to call you “selfish.” But that also depends on how you told him. There’s a difference between “I can’t believe you’re going away for a whole month without me when we need to plan our lives!” and “It hurts me that you’re thinking of planning to be away from me for a month when it seems like this is the time when we should be planning our lives.” You might be totally justified in either, but the first could sound to him like an attack and could put him on the defensive.

       Second, you don’t say how long he’s been in the military but it’s been more than two years and it’s included at least one deployment. Has he talked at all about concerns he might have about adjusting back to civilian life? This trip might be about him needing to clear his head with a friend (military friend?) before diving into a very different, less structured kind of life. He might feel like he needs that time to breathe and readjust.

       Third, in your mind the next step is “yay we get to be together!” and you want that to start sooner rather than later. It seems like you two, if you’re going to be able to make this work for the long term, should be able to have a conversation where he can express his needs and concerns and you can express yours, and TOGETHER you come up with the best plan to address both of them. It might be that, after talking, one of you decides the other’s needs are greater (e.g., he decides that, while a month in Asia to clear his head would be really good for him, that it would take too much out of you and so he decides not to go; or you decide that, much as you want him here, you can see how much the trip would benefit him and decide you’re okay with him going). But I do think you need to be on the same page at the end of it, or else you’ll just have resentment piling up.

       Fourth, the money thing. I think if you’re engaged and have a definite timeline for marriage (the shorter the better) it makes total sense for you to help him through grad school. But you might want to think about whether you want to have some sort of agreement that says he pays you back if you break up. Maybe that’s too hard to do without upsetting the relationship (my husband and I — both lawyers — considered a pre-nup but just couldn’t muster the right mindset to really do it properly, so we never did). But I would be very wary about providing help without a wedding date, and if you’re going to be involved in each other’s finances like this, he should talk with you about how he plans to cover the cost of this trip. Not that he needs to be accountable to you, but that now that you’re a team, you should be talking through all your financial plans and goals together.

       1. I totally agree with your point number two. This is probably the first time in at least four years (min. Time he could have been in, but likely more if he’s finished undergrad already) that he has complete control over his schedule, and likely last too if you guys are getting hitched and he is starting school.

          Also, if you have been doing long distance and deployment for so long, five weeks really isnt THAT long.

          I did a quasi melt down/wild trip before grad school too- i thought it was the last time id ever have fun, ever again. Talk to him, see what his intentions are for the trip and if these are going to be common place as time goes on. (But realistically, how many 30+ year old men outside of the military can take month long vacations without family? Ive yet to meet one, let alone two tot ravel together).

17. My SO got promoted recently and as part of the promotion, they are moving him into a better office. I want to get him a little something that he can use in the the new office. Really looking to do something small – we already went to dinner and celebrated when the promotion was annouced a couple of months ago. He works at a tech company so looking for something that would fit well in that environment (the things that are coming to mind, like business card holder & paper weight are too low tech I think). Thanks in advance!

    1. Carnivorous plant?

       1. THAT IS SUCH A COOL IDEA! I was going to suggest this: http://www.quirky.com/products/496-Cordies-Executive but a carnivorous plant is way way cooler.

    2. Check out Extreme Geek. So much stuff that would fit into a techy office…and most of it is amazeballs.

       1. Apparently that website shut down :( I was going to go on there for my boyfriend who also works in a tech office! Oh well.

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