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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Express has some fantastic workwear, but their styling isn’t doing them any favors! This ivory sweater jacket would be a great piece for professional outfits, so please go ahead and ignore the fact that it has been paired with jean shorts in this photo. Instead, picture it layered over a black sheath for a classic look or worn buttoned-up with a pair of slim-fitting trousers. It would even be a great piece to keep in the office to throw on over any outfit in the event of an unexpected meeting.
But no matter what, and I cannot stress this enough, jorts are a no-go for a business casual/business formal office. (I know you all know that, I just felt it needed to be said.)
The blazer is $128 at Express and comes in sizes XS–XL. It also comes in black.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Carla
I need to wake up later. I don’t really need to wake up earlier than 8 at work, but if I want to exercise I need to get up at 6:30/7. The thing is I’ve somehow been falling asleep at 1am. I just do whatever I was doing that evening and next thing I look up and it’s 11:30pm. I live by myself, no kids. It’s probably the same whether I stay in or go out after work – which doesn’t even make sense. I think part of the reason is I got used to eating dinner at 9(!) which delays everything after just like it would for a kid.
Anonymous
This is 100% me. I think I need to go through the pain of early wake ups for a month to reset my bedtime.
Anonymous
That is really cute. I also like some Express pants for work, they usually have a paper bag waist style trouser and some wide leg trousers.
Anon
I live in the Columnist pants. Perfect cut for my booty and corgi legs.
Cornellian
Ooo, thanks for that rec. Also LOL at corgi legs. I’m 5’4 which is not very short but I need to hem petite pants and then buy “tall” tops half the time. I very much relate.
Anonymous
Fellow corgi here. I am nearly 5’6″, with the torso of someone 6′ tall and the legs of someone 5′ tall.
Senior Attorney
I was just thinking this morning that I need a cute black jacket so I ordered this one in black. PSA: 25% off at Express with coupon code 5647.
Ellen
I find it to revealing. Even if I were only to wear @ work, I do not like to give people the chance to see anything close to my boobies, which this one does. Even a cami wouldn’t help much b/c the style is to leave the top buttons unbuttoned, and that still gets men stareing at my boobies. FOOEY on that!
Anonymous
Anyone want to budget for me? Or send me your favorite tool? I tried YNAB and never got into the app. I recently took a 20-30% pay cut as my company went through layoffs.I’m a little nervous about just, where does my money go??
New salary:
– take home $50k/year after taxes and insurance
– rent/utilities $1400/month
– car/toll/gas ~$110/month
-gym $130/month
I think I spend too much on food and clothes, so I’m looking for a good suggestion there. I am single, no kids, thankfully healthy so rarely have medical expenses but maybe budget $2500/year for that? My gym is expensive but has so many classes per day, I’m hesitating to give it up because I really hit a groove this fall. No bonus likely this year but maybe next year, I just don’t want to count on it.
Anon
For me, I might give up living solo and take a roommate to help reduce the impact of the rent on your budget (50K/year = roughly 4K/month and 1,400 is a big chunk of that). The gym is expensive. The Y does sliding scale in our county where I pay less than that for a family of 4 (making over 2x what you do). Any wiggle room there? Also, you can do a lot of other things for $50K, some which pay much better — is “get another job” the answer now that you are doing a job for less while everyone else is paying more? Or could you swing waiting tables or some other weekend shift work to bring in more $ at least temporarily (or working retail as the holiday season approaches)? Babysitting? When I made 30K, I was all abut hustling another $100 or $50 a week where I could find it (working as a cater-waiter here, babysitting there, doing basic 1040EZs and 1040As during tax season (I was a VITA volunteer since college, so I had a lot of training)).
Anon
Agree with all of this. Having a roommate means you also split utilities. Internet/cable cost half as much. Heat and electric don’t get split in half – they are maybe 1/3d less than they were before.
Side hustles can be good for your mental health; you know if you are laid off, you still have some money coming in the door. I used to pick up about $150-$200 a week during the school year as a private tutor, and that paid my rent.
Cornellian
This is good advice. If you don’t want a roommate, can you bring utilities down $30 and and do some occasional catering or sitting work? I wouldn’t drop the gym, if it’s working for you.
Anon
Could you swap the gym for something like the Peloton app? It’s $13/month and has a wide variety of classes even for those who don’t have a Peloton/cycling bike.
Also, you are looking for a new job, right?
Anon
I think if gym ends up being one of your main activities (and thus substituting for going out to restaurants, etc.), it’s ok to keep it if you can be vigilant with your other spending.
– Signed: former Equinox member in grad school who went daily.
Anon
+1
test run
+1 I’ve mentioned this is in previous comments, but the blog Yes and Yes has a budgeting methodology where you print out your bank/credit card statements and highlight the charges:
– green: purchases that you were really happy about (lunch with a friend, a great yoga class, shoes you love, etc.)
– yellow: purchases that are neutral/standing bills (rent, utilities, etc.)
– red: purchases that you regret (an overpriced lunch b/c you forgot to pack your lunch, an impulse target buy you never returned, etc.)
The idea is to actively encourage yourself to spend money in “green” categories and train yourself to identify “red category” purchases in advance to try to reduce them over time. Exercise classes are definitely a green item to me – I am very happy to spend $$ on workouts I’ll do regularly and which bring me joy. So if you feel that way about your expensive gym, I would keep that and try to minimize other bills.
AugNon
I like Mint to get an idea of where your spending is initially at this point.
When I was facing a potential layoff, I took the monthly budget I had from Mint and put each category into green/yellow/red, so that if I was laid off I knew what I would cut immediately, cut if unemployment extended more than a few months, or could not cut (mortgage, utilities, etc.) This helped me prioritize where I wanted limited funds to go, so maybe a similar exercise could be helpful?
pugsnbourbon
I’ve never used the YNAB app, just the desktop version. It took a couple months to get into a groove, but it really helped with that “where does the money go?” aspect. Your credit card or bank might have some tools available as well. Or some folks do an excel sheet.
As an aside – if you have regular hours and don’t travel that much, you can make pretty good money as a pet or house sitter.
pugsnbourbon
To continue – it’s okay to spend money on the gym if that’s something you value. That’s what YNAB and tracking in general helped us with – are we spending money on things that we really value? We used to spend a chunk on a gym membership because we built a lot of friendships that way.
If you haven’t tried shopping at Aldi yet, you should do that for sure. It’s dramatically cheaper.
nuqotw
Do you use a credit card at all? If so, it may have some kind of summary feature to tell you where you spent your money by certain categories. You could use that as a starting point. Otherwise, record expenses for a month or two. A little notebook is fine.
Good luck!
Here’s a back of the envelope sketch you could start with if it helps.
What is your monthly take home after taxes / insurance / 401k or the like contributions? I’m going to guess 3125 here (50000/12 * .75)
3125 – 1400 – 110 – 130 = 1485 left
My back of the envelope guess is 200/mo for groceries (a reasonable starting point; YMMV) and 210/mo for healthcare (using your estimate; this feels high to me based on our family of 4 expenses but it depends on your insurance, and whether you are including things like OTC meds)
1485 – 200 – 210 = 1264 left
What are your utilities, cell phone, internet costs? Those are probably fairly fixed; I’ll guess 200/mo all in.
1264 – 200 = 1064 left
Build in 10% savings / buffer / for surprises:
1064 – 314 = 750 left
So you have 750 for everything else (eating out, clothes, entertainment, savings, charitable contributions, not necessarily in that order). If you log those expenses for a few months, you will get a better picture.
Anonymous
These numbers seem off to me. First off, she says her take-home after taxes and insurance are deducted is $50K/year. She’s also including utilities in her housing costs.
For groceries I’d say minimum $400 – 600 for a single person.
For health care, she needs to look at her plan and needs. At a minimum she should save up enough to cover her annual deductible, and ideally enough to cover her out-of-pocket max, in case of an unexpected emergency.
nuqotw
Oops, I somehow missed the taxes/insurance and including utilities thing. You’re absolutely right.
Groceries are a huge variable – my own experience is $200/person/mo is reasonable but prices / food choice vary a lot.
Anonny
$400-600 per month for groceries for one person seems absolutely insane. I live in the city and spend maybe $200 per month. What do you even buy?
Anonymous
Whoa. I would love to know where you are ans who your providers are if you are guessing $200 all in for internet/phone/utilities. I spend at least twice that.
nuqotw
How many people are you paying for? Ours are about $400/mo for two adults, two kids, owning.
Comcast: ~70/mo
Cell (xfinity mobile) ~20/mo (2 people)
When we rented, pre-kids, utilities were usually 50 – 100/mo (more in summer/winter; less in spring/fall).
Our utilities now that we own and have kids: 170/mo (electric/gas) 50/mo (water).
anon
Different anon but I live in an LCOL area in the mid-atlantic and mine for one person and some animals (owning) are:
Internet $55/mo
Cell $100/mo
Power $90-130 (seasonal)
Propane (the worst) $20 -$550 per fill (seasonal)
Water $35/mo
Sewer $100/quarter
Trash $60/quarter
Anonymous
It’s just me.
I pay $175 for internet/cable. One premium channel.
I pay $150 for cell phone (what am I doing wrong? 20?!)
I pay $150 for electric, $40 for gas, and $35-50 for water. I know I could pay a bit less for electric but the water and gas are essentially the baseline charges.
pugsnbourbon
I cut my bill in half when I went to a prepaid phone plan.
Anonymous
+1 for prepaid cell phones. We have two with 4GB data per line for a total of $50 per month. You do have to pay in full up front for the phone, but we just buy the cheapest iPhone and keep them for 3-4 years until the battery life deteriorates.
nuqotw
We use xfinity mobile which is the Verizon network via Comcast/xFinity/whatever they’re calling themselves these days. I think it’s what is called an MVNO.
Anon
Why do you spend too much on food and clothes? Thinking about this and understanding it is the first step in saving money.
Anon
Agree with 9:30 to take on a roommate. Your rent is the biggest ding here, so you can flap around saving a dollar here and there, or just slash the biggest problem in one fell swoop.
Anonymous
Why aren’t you looking for a new job? Accepting a huge pay cut to remain employed in the short run is one thing, but your company is in trouble. You might get laid off tomorrow. The best-case scenario is that they stay in business, don’t lay you off, and never restore your original salary, and then when you go to change jobs in a few years you’ll have less negotiating power for a market salary. Despite what all the FIRE/MMM/Dave Ramsey folks would have you believe, personal virtue, self-denial, and ramen noodles are not enough to get by and save money in the long run on a too-small salary.
anne-on
This. I’d cut my budget where I could but focus on networking and job hunting and read the ask a manager back posts on cover letters/interviewing/negotiating. Finally accepting that I was not getting a fair shake at my job and swapping firms for similar job that I wasn’t massively underpaid in was the single biggest thing I’ve done to make my life better/easier.
Senior Attorney
I think it’s both: You can’t out-earn really bad spending habits, but certainly a pay cut like this is a HUGE sign from the universe that it’s time to look for another job.
Anon
Seriously! This is a huge red flag, start looking ASAP.
anonshmanon
Your instinct to track where everything goes is right. These costs you list are around 20k/year (although the car estimate seems on the low end?). $100/week for food would add another $6k. Before you give up the gym that works for you or get a roommate, it’s worth getting a clear understanding of where the other 24k go along the way.
Anonymous
I agree that the car estimate seems low. What about insurance, taxes, and maintenance? Saving up for a new car when this one dies?
Cat
Agree with this – a roommate is a big lifestyle change, so while I agree that focusing on the “big rocks” of your monthly expenses is most important, $1400 doesn’t seem outrageous given your take-home. Neither does $130 for a gym that you use regularly!
Categories where you might get help-
I notice you don’t include any subscriptions like Netflix?
Birthday or wedding or holiday gifts – do you tend to want to treat people?
Travel expenses?
Do you find yourself shopping out of boredom?
Do you end up getting takeout and if so why – disliking cooking vs needing meal inspiration vs a time crunch at dinner time are problems to tackle different ways
anon
A rule of thumb I’ve found helpful is that your fixed expenses should be no more than 50% of your (after tax) income, 30% should be on fun/optional things (most clothes, restaurants, etc), and 20% into savings. (That’s actually from an Elizabeth Warren book, way back when she was a bankruptcy expert who did things like write books on personal finance). So I’d start by adding up the fixed expenses (rent, car, insurance, anything with a contract, necessary food, etc) and see where you are. If you’re above 50%, then think hard about things like getting a roommate, or regular babysitting gigs. (Your car payment seems very low, so good job there!) Then think about how you want to spend the fun money – what’s important to you? Sounds like your gym is. And make sure that you’re saving at least 20% – a mix of “life happens” (e.g. furnace breaks), and “retirement”. If you have no idea where your money goes, like so many of us, YNAB is great. Also, my personal thoughts – there are so many creative ways to do the things that are important to you. If travel or yoga or pretty clothes or good food or whatever is important to you, there are inexpensive and expensive ways to do those things, and the expensive ways are not necessarily any more fun. For example, I love to dance, so learned that if I volunteered to helped collect money at dance events for 1 hour I could attend for free; this ended up being super great because I met everyone in the community that way, and then had tons of great dance partners! If you realize that something is important to you but aren’t sure how to do it in a less expensive way, I’m sure some of us would have ideas (or, look at places like Frugalwoods and other such blogs).
Anonymous
You can’t afford your gym! Or honestly your apartment but that’s harder to change.
Anonymous
If her take-home is $50K/year she can afford both the apartment and the gym.
anonshmanon
I don’t necessarily agree. She has ton of disposable income. She needs to figure out her spending habits first, and evaluate what matters.
As to tracking tools, I’ve worked with a spreadsheet in the past, just adding every expense and giving it a category, then adding up the categories and seeing what percentage they represent. One or two months of tracking would give me a decent picture.
Allie
I like mint.com. I think you should focus on setting a budget for groceries, eating out, and clothes and track. It does take some time to go back and recategorize but it really helps. At times I’ve needed to cut back I’m able to shave off a lot of weekly grocery costs, severely cut back purchasing clothes, and cut back my eating out costs (buying an $11 salad instead of a $14 salad for lunch really adds up e.g.).
No Problem
I agree with this. Based on my calculations, you have about $2,500 left per month after the expenses you listed. Which is a lot! Are those really all of your fixed expenses? Mint will help you identify categories of expenses you might not be thinking of (internet, cell phone, Netflix, Spotify, student loans, etc.). Don’t forget to include savings! After accounting for your fixed expenses, set budgets for the remaining categories (groceries, eating out, clothing/shoes/accessories, hair/nails, gifts/charity, etc.) and see where you’re at. Then you can see where the bulk of your money is going and whether those categories seem like reasonable expenses for a single person or where you want to be spending your money. I don’t think you need to get a roommate (your rent is perfectly affordable) or drop your gym membership if that brings you joy and is contributing to your health.
Anonymous
What’s your cell phone bill? If you’re still among the millions of people who pay insane amounts for Verizon or ATT, get yourself on an MVNO ASAP. I have Ultra mobile (which uses the T-Mobile network) and pay $19/month.
Anon
I make about that, and my rent/utilities are about the same. I find it plenty to live on.
If this is going to be a big adjustment for you, I’d start with taking stock of what you have already. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly gone out and bought something only to realize I already had it – the trick is to find it!
For me that hits home most on clothes, and is how I’ve avoided buying any new items for a year or so.
My hair/makeup/primping budget is as close to zero as one can get and remain sanitary. The vast majority of the beauty-industrial complex is marketing.
Drive less. Walk/bike more.
Eat less meat. Lots of recipes are written with pretty arbitrary amounts for convenience sake. For example, I can make the same chili recipe with a pound of ground beef or half a pound and no one can tell the difference.
If the gym is your thing, keep it, but use the library for books/music/movies and get rid of streaming services if you’re trying to trim in the hobby area.
Simplify wherever you can. Ask yourself if you need something because YOU need it or because the world thinks you should.
It’s hard to suggest anything else without knowing more specifics. I’ve lived on much, much less and had a fulfilling life, so being at about $50k before taxes, etc is damn near luxurious for me. You got this!
Anonymous
I find that meat is not the expensive part of cooking–it’s the produce.
Anon
Seasonal produce is always cheaper than meat. Sure, if you want greenhouse peppers, asparagus in October, peaches in January or things like that, it’s gonna cost you.
Anon
Meat always seems to add up faster for me in terms of calories and nutrients.
anonshmanon
This can really depend on what stores are available near you. Sometimes the fresh produce is the more expensive stuff where you are.
Anon
Edit to add, for me, privacy is my non-negotiable, so there will be no roommate. At 50k takehome, there’s no need anyway, unless it’s something you want to do.
I find, as someone approaching this budget range, that I can buy/do anything I want, I just can’t do it all at once.
Anon
Some of the advice on this thread seems insane to me. With a take home of $4k a month, you can absolutely afford your apartment and the gym. You do not need to get roommates so that you can spend more on clothes (unless you want to!). The $30 you save on internet will not help when you have *a $4k a month* budget. Do a no spend month — no clothing, random stuff for the house etc, and only buy what you actually truly need (groceries, toiletries that actually ran out, gas), and that’s your baseline spend. Cancel subscriptions you forgot you had (i.e. downdog app). Then figure out how you want to apportion the rest — eating out, clothing, trips, donations, etc. I put everything on one card, and I know that my bill for the month cannot exceed a certain number (and that some things charge automatically, like electric bill and downdog app, which I actually use). Make sure you are saving enough. As long as you have a way to track what you are spending (notebook, credit card bill, any app), you should be fine. For a single person, this is not that complicated.
Signed, single parent in NYC who has a $4k a month budget and somehow survives.
Ginjury
Agree. I make about the same in a HCOLA so my rent + utilities is about $2k per month and I’m still able to save a lot with plenty left over for fun stuff. I’m kind of surprised at how posters are acting like OP is now destitute.
For OP, I’ve been using YNAB for ages, but I think they recently retooled their onboarding so it may be easier to start up now.
Anonymous
I don’t think she’s destitute, but I think her company isn’t paying her what she’s worth and she needs a new job.
anon
Find a new job? Job market is HOT and your company is troubled.
Anonymous
Yes, it is boring and inconvenient to track expenses, but you really have to it to be able to know how you are spending and where your wiggle-room is.
Do you normally use a debit or credit card when you spend, or cash? If you do cards you can go back and check a couple of months.
Print out the account statements (at home, don’t do this in public settings) or find the letter if you get paper mail. Find a pencil, ruler, highlighter and som blank pages.
Set out some categories on your paper, with plenty of room for each. Things like: clothes, grocery store, eating out, coffee out, household stuff (decor, bedding etc), sephora, drug store etc
Set the categories by type of store, not item purchased, for simplicity.
Find your statement, start with the first line, for example Starbucks 12 dollars (or whatever). Write 12 in your coffe category, cross out line, do next. Go through all the lines, put all purchases in a category (if that category is Target and you have no idea if it was food or clothes, that’s fine).
Then add all the numbers in each category. Did you get any surprises? How many purchases did you actually remember what was? Any stores you can identify where you shop out of boredom or for rewards?
The you can play with categories – are eating out or coffee out «food» or «entertainment»? Group, and get an idea of how you actually spend your money.
If you can identify stores where you either boredom shop or have no idea what you bought, that’s stores you can try and avoid. «Never enter Target/Sephora/Taco Bell» is a perfectly good budget plan, if you know that’s your weakness.
When you have more data, it’s easier to prioritize. Is the 130 you spend on Starbucks of equal value to you as the 130 you spend at the gym? Probably not, and it will be easier if you know that’s a choice.
AnonInfinity
I totally agree with this. People have given some good general advice, but really no one can figure out a budget for you, especially when you don’t actually know what you’re bringing in and spending. I had a similar take-home (gross was $82,500), and I could afford nice housing and a car and a gym, so I don’t agree with the posters who think that you have to get a roommate or a side job or anything like that unless you just want to do that.
The first step is just knowing what you’re spending money on, and this will honestly probably take several hours, but it’s worth it. I’d then use some of the general guidelines above or from whatever source you trust (X% on essentials, Y% savings, Z% on fun stuff) and see what you need to change up to hit that. I am a huge YNAB advocate and my system is quite granular, but you really can just leave it at the three buckets above. But the essential part of any budget is that you have to know what is in each bucket or category and how much you ACTUALLY spend in that category.
Anonymous
I agree with a lot of the comments about cutting costs/picking up a side hustle. One idea that worked for me was working where I spent my money. When I was in grad school, I literally did not have enough money for clothes to wear to work. So I got a job working at Ann Taylor. My earnings less taxes were spent on clothes and it was a net wash–and I had clothes! For you, this could be working the front desk at the gym (maybe you’d get a free membership AND a paycheck?) or maybe somewhere else.
Depending on your lifestyle/age/interest, babysitting or similar could be a great side gig. I pay my high school/college age sitters $15-20/hr and would happily pay someone with more reliability/experience $20+/hr to watch my kids on a date night. I did this in grad school too and watched kids from 6-10pm, made $60, and had the hours of 8-10 to myself and got free dinner out of it.
Brunette Elle Woods
Is the $50k after any 401k contribution?
Anon
Does anyone have experience with BetterHelp, Cerebral or TalkSpace to find a therapist? I’m really in immediate need to help address a very specific thing (infertility) and having a hell of a time finding someone.
Anon
I am a therapist and those websites pay their therapist so little that I don’t think they have great providers.
Have you tried psychology today? Maybe call someone who seems the closest fit and ask for a referral.
Vicky Austin
Hi! I did a year of BetterHelp starting in October 2019. I do recommend it for a situation like yours where you need help asap; getting set up is super easy. I would caveat though, definitely opt for some kind of real-time interaction, either by chat or by video. I chose not to do that and basically spent a year writing long ass whiny texts to my therapist, her suggesting a few things for me to do based on that, and then by the time I felt ready to write back to her, something else would change in my life and we’d have to start all over again. I really think I would have benefited more from having actual conversations.
Carla
Agree with this 100%. LOL about the “long ass whiny texts”, that’s definitely what I did too. I think it was a useful place to rant and occasionally get feedback, but it wasn’t full therapy
Anon
I used TalkSpace for a short while mid-pandemic. It was really helpful to be matched with someone right away, but it definitely wasn’t a good longer-term option for me. If you go that route, don’t be shy about clicking through and saying you want more options of potential therapists if you don’t see a good fit right away. The person I got matched with was fine, but not stellar, and I have since wondered whether if I had kept going another round or two of potentials that I may have found someone even better. I did really like being able to type/connect whenever was most convenient for me – which was sometimes mid-day from work and other times later in the day. Responses aren’t instant, but the therapist always replied timely (and I did have some scheduled zoom calls as well, which were helpful). Wishing you all good things.
Anonymous
I had a good experience with better help. They matched me with someone right away, but it took about a week to have an appointment. I didn’t text with her much, but I did appreciate weekly video visits for a while.
Anonymous
I would check Psychology Today which I think has a fertility filter. Alternatively, the academic hospitals in my major city have therapists that are affiliated with their fertility practices and many do telehealth now. You could also ask your OB/RE for a referral.
For what it’s worth, I saw a therapist for infertility, and initially selected someone with a lot of expertise in infertility and did not find it that helpful. I felt that they were too focused on the immediate decision and not the overall stress/anxiety/emotions I needed help managing. I ended up seeing a more general therapist which has been much more helpful.
Pompom
I used Thriveworks, which is sort of similar–it’s a network of therapists all over (check to see if there are any in your state), and I do virtual therapy.
Anon
i wouldnt trust the data protection on better help – you can google some of the concerns therapists have raised.
Patricia Gardiner
No recs but so sorry you are going through this. I did as well and having a therapist helped (I also started a tiny dose of sertraline, which helped even more) – unfortunately mine is no longer in practice. Big hugs to you and I hope you find succes.
Anon
What great work pieces are you reaching for now? I found a pair of faux-Rothys at DSW in a point-type shape and in a pattern, the sort of thing I wouldn’t have tried but for $50, YOLO. I reach for them all the time, but don’t wear flats when it is cold so looking for overall outfit pieces and how you’re using them. I am back in the office, but it is often quite casual (allowed). After a year in sweats, I feel like I am getting my sea legs back (also: using a blow dryer — apparently my skills with that are all gone, too, and I have had some wild misses lately with a task that was formerly simple and easy; ditto getting hair products tragically wrong). Like I see dresses pictured with sneakers in ads — are people doing that IRL? Maybe your power dress but with flats in 2021? Skinny pants, but not with booties (but with pointy-toe flats or sneakers)? Do people still wear olive utility jackets? Jean jackets? I’m sitting out the mom jean trend (I have some skinnies and mild boot cuts that I will try again tho), but have a denim jacket to maybe wear over a dress to make appropriately casual. I have questions and no answers
:-/
ALT
I’m doing a lot of jersey dresses…that slinky poly jersey that is ubiquitous at TJ Maxx. It’s both comfy and looks pulled together. Other than that, just wearing the same things I used to wear to the office—skinny pants, flats, blouses. I do sometimes go to black jeans rather than work pants and that feels “casual” enough for me.
Outside of work, I tend to wear mom-type jeans with a floaty blouse and leather sneakers or flats. A knit midi dress with sneakers is a go-to as well. I have a slip skirt that I’m dying to wear once it’s cooler with a chunky sweater or bodysuit and booties.
Anon
Jean and utility jackets are fine. Anything that you’d wear booties with you can wear other shoes with as well. I hate flats when it’s cold so I tend to wear boots. Not always booties but also low heel boots. I wear casual dresses with sneakers (converse) but not to work. My workplace is business casual toward casual. That said, I think you have to figure out what’s appropriate at your own workplace. Will you be trendy? Maybe not. Who cares. Everyone is feeling their way back.
For me, I’ve ordered about a bazillion black pants to try on at home in the hopes of finding 2 that I can rotate with other pants. COVID weight gain is wreaking havoc on my closet tbh. I’m leaning into my sweater blazers when I need to be more polished. That said, I am mostly WFH still (with a ton of virtual meetings) and won’t be back to the office on a regular cadence until Marchish.
Cat
Dress + sneakers is a brunch look (yes that I see regularly), not for work. Like just bc things have gotten more casual, doesn’t mean anything that is on-trend is for the office. It’s still a little too warm here for jackets but most people wouldn’t wear utility or jean jackets to the office for the same reason… those are off duty-casual, not office-casual.
I’m going in only occasionally on an ad-hoc basis, as are the others I see, but for that routine I’m seeing:
– Majority – nice jeans (either skinny or bootcut) with flats or – previously saved only for casual Fridays – nice sneakers. Some sort of untucked, machine washable topper, weather-dependent.
– Strong minority – same “average day no special effort” office basics as 2019 – think ankle pants and blouse or sweater, *but* when I’d previously seen a lot of heels with this look, they’ve definitely dropped. More flats (pointed toe or smoking slipper style), slides (a la Gucci) or low heels, maybe 1-2″ absolute max, and they’re often wedges or block heels, not stilettos.
– For Important Meetings, blazer over sheath remains The Look around my office, but as above, the shoes are typically lower than before. I’ve seen one woman successfully rock the “lace up oxfords with a sheath” look but I’m not *quite* there yet.
For your example, I’d try dressing “dressy jeans” up, rather than attempting to “dumb down” bus formal with a jean jacket.
Anon
Thanks! I work mainly with guys (polo + khakis or nice jeans; maybe a sweater fleece vest; loafers or allbirds), so any new idea I have will likely come from you all. Also need to reshop due to many pants not fitting and deciding to throw in the towel as I have no energy to throw at changing my size right now.
Anon
Really really depends on where you work. This is absolutely fine in the Bay Area.
Anonymouse
I work in medicine and it’s always struggle between looking nice and being comfortable in weird positions (crouching, twisting, bending, picking up littles, etc). I am also on my feet A LOT, so my shoe choices typically veer towards comfortable and supportive over cute and stylish.
I haven’t yet tried the dresses with sneakers trend, but I have been wearing a ton of midi skirts (both pleated and sweater/pencil style) with shoes ranging from mary janes to anke booties. Usually I’ll top everything off with some sort of cardigan, sweater blazer, or wrap. I love the midi length because it feels really feminine to me AND I don’t have to worry about exposing myself! As the weather gets colder, I’ll probably add tights to my ensembles and swap in higher boots and sweaters.
Anonymous
I am liking the lug-sole loafers. I am looking for a pair that don’t fall off my narrow feet to wear to the office with ankle-length straight-leg or mini-boot jeans and my old blazers.
Anonymous
My favorite thing about the pandemic is how during the pandemic, we all decided that white sneakers go with everything. I love this trend and hope it never dies.
Anon
Print top, straight pants, loafers, collarless jacket or long cardigan (slim not chunky), flats. Later, rinse, repeat. It’s my work “uniform.”
Curious
I like my Thursday Chelsea boots with nice dark jeans for my tech casual workplace.
spin class help
I recently decided to try spin class and am enjoying it so far. However, I am large-chested and I’ve been noticing how much my chest is bouncing around during class and my br*asts (for mod) are a little sore after. Is this simply unavoidable if I do spin as someone with a large chest? I was wearing a high impact sports bra, but are some brands better for spin specifically? I’m enjoying the classes and want to continue if I figure this out. Right now, the soreness after and self-consciousness during classes is starting to deter me.
Cat
Hmmm… cycling shouldn’t be too high-impact! Is it possible your bike hasn’t been fitted properly? If you’re sitting too low, your knees can end up poking up too high as you pedal, which could be causing the problem?
No Face
If you have a large chest, you need an excellent sports bra that fits you, not just a “high impact” one. My standard is that my chest should barely move when I jump out and down. I spin regularly in my Shefit Ultimate and Flex. No bouncing or soreness.
Anon
I had to switch from high impact sports bras to a perfectly fitted bra in a low stretch fabric (for me that’s Parfait by Affinitas in a much smaller band and much larger cup than what I’d previously thought was my bra size).
Anon
Panache High Impact holds my 30G self in place for running, heavy lifting, and jump rope, so I’d think it could handle spinning.
Anonymous
Yes, the Panache High Impact with an underwire is my holy grail sports bra and great for spinning.
Anon
If you’re willing to wear the old style pull on over the head Champion sports bra, you can double them. I’m an E cup on a small frame and I have zero bounce while wearing two, even if I jump up and down.
Anon
I wear the same bra I used to wear running. Its the Brooks Fiona (used to be another brand that was bought by Brooks). As someone else said, doubling up, either with another lower impact sports bra or a bra-top if you have one.
Panda Bear
I echo what others have said – first, make sure you bike settings are correct (get help from the instructor if needed). Second, try a different sports bra. If you are currently wearing something that slips over your head and just smooshes everything together, you’ll have a totally different experience with something that is cut like a regular bra but designed for sports. The Panache High Impact is a good recommendation, but my personal favorite is the Freya sonic. And yes, expect to go down in the band and up in the cup.
anonymous
I have to wear two sports bras to prevent any bouncing with high impact exercises.
spin class help
Thank you! Will try the bra recs and try adjusting the bike setting next time! I am quite short (5 feet exactly) and wear a 32DD normal bra so it seems like both of things could be happening here.
Annony
Hmmm!!! I’d consider a spin class a “high sweat / low bounce” kind of workout. (Of course, your instructor may be throwing in extra impact moves) But in addition to getting your bike settings tuned up, if you’re newer to spin, maybe talk with your instructor about your form. Your legs should be doing the work … your upper half shouldn’t really be bouncing around all that much.
Anonymous
Get a cup sized sports bra that fits you perfectly.
I don’t do spinning, but for regular bicycling (UK size 28HH) I’ve found that it really helps with a great bra that’s forward-shaped. I don’t need my bust to be in the way of my arms and grip. Racerback also helps. I prefer non-wired.
I like some Bravissimo bras, some Freya ones, shock absorber for high impact and Royce for low-impact.
Anon
You need a better bra.
Anon
Are you maybe bouncing around in your bike to get momentum? Maybe try lowering the resistance so that you’re using your muscle strength to power through rather than momentum.
Anon for this
Tips for getting over bitterness, burnout, and feeling completely underappreciated?
Currently doing more than my fair share around the house and at work, and I’m so over it. I regularly address the division of labor at home with my husband, and while he improves a little bit when I talk to him about it, I’m still the household manager and the default parent for two small children. To make matters worse, I’ve been working way too much in an attempt to get promoted this year (which I really want), but if it happens (which is no guarantee) it won’t happen for a couple more months. I’m tempted to job search, but it doesn’t make sense since we plan to move states once my husband’s health condition resolves (which could take 6 months or years, and his specialist can’t tell us which). I’m also frustrated because I really want to move now, but DH is adamant that he doesn’t want to because his current health conditions requires surgery every few months.
I find myself growing increasingly bitter, burned out, and underappreciated, and I need to get over it. Tips?
Anon
I’d suggest a gratitude practice for the life you have now. I’m reading a lot of wanting and longing in here for things that probably won’t actually change your happiness level. In a promoted role, you’ll still work with the same people, you move, you’re still with your family. Unless your work or family is toxic or terrible (not reading that), longing for minor tweaks will get in the way of appreciating your life. And tell your husband to say thank you more (sometimes we need to be told what someone else needs).
Anonymous
I find this comment really insensitive. Dealing with a spouse’s chronic health condition is HARD, especially if you are also trying to step it up at work while being the primary parent. OP is stretched to the breaking point meeting everyone else’s needs. She feels as if her entire life is on hold waiting for her husband’s condition to resolve, which has no clear timetable and may never happen. She needs some acknowledgement and appreciation from her husband, along with some time and space just for herself. OP, if you have the bandwidth and relocating will really improve your life, I’d also look into moving without waiting for your husband’s condition to resolve. The work of moving will all be on you, but at some point you have to stop waiting around and live your life. Hugs. I’ve been there and know how hard it is.
OP
Thank you. I suggested moving before his condition resolves, but he isn’t willing to because starting over might prolong the process and any missteps along the way could result in lifelong incontinence. I understand where he is coming from and don’t want that to happen, it’s just that it is also hard on me in different ways.
pugsnbourbon
You have a lot going on – no wonder you’re feeling this way!
Are you able to outsource any home stuff? Hire a babysitter for a Saturday to knock out some errands, get cleaners in once a month, etc.
I’m not saying you need therapy, but in tough seasons of life ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) ideas are helpful.
Finally – are there friends or family you can ask for help? I struggle with asking for help but it’s incredible what folks will do for each other if you just ask. Think about what you’d do for a good friend, and let someone do that for you.
Lorelai Gilmore
The Happiness Trap is a great read for people who are interested in ACT.
Curious
Seriously — my friends put together a meal train (using the meal train website!) for when our new baby came. No one in our friend group had done that before, and I was embarrassed to say yes to the friend who offered to organize it. But people were so happy to contribute.
OP
Thanks. We already outsource a lot (laundry, adult meals, and weekend childcare for a few hours).
I will look into ACT, as that may be just what I need to move forward.
Lorelai Gilmore
Hugs. You’re framing your problem as bitterness and burnout, but when you read the whole thing, it actually turns out that you are under extraordinary stress, including a husband with a chronic and unpredictable health condition, two small children, and pressure at work. That is an ENORMOUS load of stressors. Give yourself some grace here. What can you do to actually lift the load? Would a babysitter or mothers’ helper be of assistance? Can you enlist more housekeeping or meal prep support? I would spend money on what actually makes your life better on a day to day basis.
Sometimes when I am in your shoes, it helps me be more content with my life if I decide that I’m not going to think about something until some certain point in the future. It might look like this: Decide that you are going to stay in your home and your job until March 2022. By then, you’ll know if you’ve been promoted. Moving to a new city, job searching, and all of those things will still be there in March 2022, and you can think about it then. In the meantime, put them all on the back burner.
Are you able to take good care of yourself? For me, that means 20 minutes of hard cardio a day, Lexapro, enough sleep, and a gratitude practice. A good slow restorative yoga practice once in a while makes a huge impact on my mental state. I know those things feel virtually impossible when you’re working all the time and have small children, but they really make an enormous difference.
Finally, what would it take for you to feel appreciated? My love language is words of appreciation, and my husband has had to learn how to do this. It is a learnable skill. Tell him what you need. Be clear. Model it to your kids. One day, I promise, your kids will be older and they will say things like, “I really appreciate that you work to make money for our family.” (This is a true story from my 7 year old! It was the best moment of my whole working mom life.)
Anon
Slack off a bit at work. Take some time off for yourself and do it periodically (some hobby that relaxes you or gives you joy like dancing, meeting a friend for lunch weekly, taking a walk in the woods or going to a painting or yoga class). Get your husband in a routine to manage the kids during this weekly break that you take for yourself. Even better, he can give them dinner and clear up the dishes during this time.
I agree with the PP that moving or getting promoted alone wont make you happier (at best it’ll be a small burst that wears off), but building solid time for yourself on a regular basis will.
Coach Laura
Wow, I’ve been there (working too hard, two young kids, husband with unsolvable health issues). If you talk to him and it doesn’t change, you might read “Fair Play”by Eve Ronin, which a lot of people have said helps work on these issues and divide them up. Also, “How not to hate your husband” has been recommended here.
My advice would be to:
Put on your own oxygen mask first – take a weekend day or take a day off work when you have childcare and book a massage and/or pedicure, take a long lunch and an afternoon nap.
Then you might take a full weekend day or half weekend day and leave the kids with husband and do something for you, each week. Just get away, or go to the gym or see friends or a movie or all three. If he can’t/won’t step up, hire a babysitter. It’s an investment in your mental/physical health. Pugsandboubon has good point about asking for help from friends and family. Can you trade off Saturday babysitting with friend/sister?
Assign husband/negotiate with him to be available for one/several discrete tasks. Tell him “I don’t want to nag or follow up – can we agree that you’ll take care of this and I won’t have to worry about it?” Many men fall back on the “I’m not good at it” or “I can’t meet her standards so why try” so address that by giving him full control over one thing, be it paying bills, dealing with oil changes/lawn work or grocery shopping, bathing kids or reading stories and putting kids to bed.
Throw money at things until you get the promotion or husband gets well. Housecleaner, even if only once a month, meal service, afternoon “mother’s helper” to watch the kids when you get home while you cook dinner. If money is a concern, try to do easier meals, prepared from Trader Joes or scrambled eggs and applesauce for the kids for dinner. Grocery pickup, which is often free. This is a short season while kids are young.
As far as the job – can you work toward the promotion and count it as an investment in your happiness instead of something you have to do for the family? A small tweak, perhaps, but burnout is real and you need good things. Working toward a promotion is a burden but you could view it as a discrete area of concentration as opposed to part of the big morass of problems including the pandemic, your husband’s illness and your inability to move.
Anon
Does anyone have any recommendations for a day pack for hiking? I have a large student-type backpack and it is puts all of the weight on my shoulders. I didn’t realize that they make half-size versions of backpacking backpacks that have a good deal of support / suspension on them so that the weight is more on your hips than your shoulders. I’m 5-3, if that matters. I also don’t plan to use any cammelback-type things but carry a 1-liter Nalgene (sometimes 2 to balance the load).
Anonymous
I would look for a women’s-specific daypack for narrower shoulders and an appropriate torso length. Mine is from Osprey.
anonchicago
I have an Osprey daypack. Just enough room for a camelback, lunch, jacket, and personal items.
Gail the Goldfish
I have 2 women day packs from Osprey, that I generally like, the daylite (which they don’t seem to make anymore in a woman’s, but the hikelite looks similar) and the tempest 20. The tempest holds more, but the little pouches at the waist actually kind of annoy me if I have too much in them. The women’s packs are cut narrower through the shoulders. And definitely get someone to help you measure as there are different sizes. I’d recommend just going to REI and trying a bunch on and getting the people there to help you.
Anon
My Osprey daypack’s (Osprey DayLite+) side pockets are angled for easy access of small items and are not meant for a water bottle, so those tend to slide out. If you decide on Osprey, make sure you try it out in person with your water bottle. They’re really made more for using with a bladder.
Beyond that, if it’s just a day hike, how much crap are you carrying? Pare down the amount of stuff you’re dragging along and your hike will get a lot more comfortable regardless of what backpack you choose.
Curious
Sure re: paring down, but hip straps are THE BOMB. This reminds me that a day pack with hip straps should be on my Christmas wish list…
Anonymous
You will be SO MUCH more comfortable with a proper daypack.
Ideally go to a store that has multiple brands where you can try things on. If you are short / narrow shoulders, look for one one that is specifically for women (esp if capacity isn’t a critical issue). Also definitely get one with a frame / back panel that keeps the pack a little bit off your back. This adds weight to the pack but is lovely for stopping unpleasant back sweat.
When trying on, put something heavy in it. (I used to sell camping gear and we used to use phone books when they still made them). With the weight in, the hip belt (which should be padded) and the pack shouldn’t pull away from your back. When hiking the pack will fit better if you actually do up the chest strap.
I have been very happy with my Gregory pack. I have had it for over a decade using it exclusively for hiking, and rarely for running home from work.
Anonymous
As others have mentioned – definitely look for a woman’s pack. I have been very happy with my Gregory pack an have had it for over a decade.
If you look for hiking specific you will likely get all of these: system (mesh) that keeps the pack off your back, nicely padded hip band (the pockets on the hip band are kind of useless), a cover in case it is pouring rain. make sure the pockets are deep enough for the 1L Nalgene.
I would recommend going somewhere and trying a bunch on. When do you try on make sure there is something heavy in there to see if it pulls off your back. (the store I worked in the better part of 20 years ago used phone books).
AnonATL
On the budget-conscious end, I have the Outdoor Products Mist Hydration pack and love it. I don’t always use the bladder, and I can fit a rain coat, personal items, and snack in there. My full size nalgene fits as well if I’m not using the bladder. It’s quite small, but works for me on 6-8 mile hikes just fine.
It doesn’t have great storage for small items, but I put my phone, wallet, and keys in a small cosmetic pouch to keep them together.
Anonymous
I love my super small Osprwy 9 litre pack. It sits perfectly on my short back (16 inch). It has a belt, and bust straps, and has room for the amount of stuff I realistically want to carry on my hike.
When I need more space, I use my Gregory Jade in XS back. Very comfortable, and the XS Gregory packs are true short backs that let me carry the weight correctly.
Anon
outdoorgearlab dot com
Anon
I would just try on a bunch at REI. I find all the big name brands to be very comparable. Mine is a Deuter, fwiw. If you want to buy online ebags often has great prices.
CC
I want to second the idea to just try on a bunch at REI. The pack that works for one body type may not work for you!
Anonymous
I’m considering meal prepping my meals for dinner for the next few weeks since I never have willpower and want to meet certain calorie/macro goals for weight loss. If you do this, who do you follow for recipe ideas, how do you reheat without rubbery proteins (chicken/shrimp), and if you have a family how do you do it for your family?
Anonymous
I prep salads and soups for lunch, but most fully prepped dinners just aren’t appealing to me. I like to plan dinners and chop the vegetables ahead of time for easy cooking. If you really want make-ahead dinners, I’ve had the most luck with baked pasta dishes, chilis, soups, stews, and saucy chicken dishes in the crockpot. Reheating shrimp and fish is a losing proposition, but those are okay cold on a salad one or two days after cooking.
Anon
My “meal prepping” is buying various components from Trader Joe’s because I don’t have the energy to do anything elaborate on the weekends.
I get bagged salads and the precooked chicken or edamame, bagged vegetables, bagged meals that have veggies and carb that you just cook on the stovetop in 10 mins, or the two-serving oven entrees and then supplement with frozen vegetables (save one serving for the next night).
My city also has several options for healthy premade meals that can be delivered once a week.
Anonymous
+1. I don’t meal prep in the sense that I spend my Sundays chopping things, but I developed a repertoire of very easy, fast meals that meet my nutritional requirements and that can be made in 30 minutes or less. I find this especially easy with vegetarian meals.
Curious
+1 to city meal services. In Seattle check out Westerly and HomeGrown for meal delivery.
Anonymous
I wing it in the kitchen, so no guidance as to recipes, but when I reheat meat or poultry, I usually do it stovetop wrapped in foil in a pan. (Occasionally I put it in a baking dish in the oven instead. Mine’s been broken for a year so stovetop it is.) This keeps the moisture in. Of course I don’t even own a microwave, but I think this works better. When I use fish or seafood, I usually try to cook it each meal, since it cooks so quickly, but you can use the same method and just try to get it warm not hot.
Anan
What kind of food/ recipes are you interested in?
Maybe look for recipes that have chicken as an accent rather than a big hunk of it- so think stir fries, curries, tacos. Then cut up the chicken for prep, but don’t cook it. Marinate it if called for, and just store in the fridge or freezer until ready to use. Cut up chicken cooks pretty fast. Shrimp I find defrosts and cooks pretty quickly so I don’t bother to defrost ahead of time either.
If you have chicken recipes that you want to cook ahead of time, think about using thighs. Those tend to have more fat so I find that they don’t dry out as easily in the reheating process.
America’s Test Kitchen has a cookbook called Bowls, which I find helpful for meal prep. It’s mostly flexible recipes for bowl meals and it features a whole bunch of foundational components that you can make ahead of time.
anonymous
Budget Bytes has some meal prep ideas. You may also find some ideas on Skinnytaste.
Anonymous
I try to cook once for the entire week. For lunch, I usually take a soup and sandwich combo. If I’m using chicken in my soup, I cook it in the instapot and shred it. It does not get rubbery this way. For dinners, I do a lot of stirfry, stuffed peppers/zucchini, etc. When meal prepping protein for stirfry, I marinate all of the protein. For example, if I am making an Asian-style stirfry, I marinate in soy sauce and Chinese cooking wine. I barely cook the meat for stirfrys through. For chicken, just barely at 165. For dinners that have a separate meat, I find that cutting it into smaller pieces for cooking helps to minimize overcooking. I almost always cook a separate meat in the oven to help lock in moisture. When reheating in the microwave, I use a low and slow method – low power with longer time. This helps a lot. For recipe ideas, I follow Skinnytaste – both the blog and use her cookbooks, and SweetSavorySteph – blog and Instagram.
Curious
+1 to Instant Pot shredded chicken not getting rubbery, especially if you brine the chicken ahead and cook with adequate salt.
roxie
do you really reheat and eat chicken 5+ days after it is initially cooked? I could never. Am I over anxious about that?
Anon
Meat with more fat in it is going to reheat better, so for instance chicken thighs rather than chicken breasts.
Also when you’re reheating you don’t have to completely cook the meal again. Just get it warm enough to eat, don’t overdo it.
Anon
You might consider sheet pan dinners where you have prepped the vegetables beforehand for a week or so, marinated the protein, and then just throw it on the pan together to actually cook it. Cutting up the broccoli florets, root vegetables and potatoes, topping and tailing the green beans (or buying florets, butternut squash, prepped green beans) makes the whole sheet pan 15 minute or less effort. And a lot of vegetables seem to last longer if they are prepped that way (at least broccoli does for me).
That being said, I live on curries, soups, stews that I make in the instant pot and freeze (I have at least two weeks worth in my garage freezer at all times). It is possible to make an Indian fish curry that reheats nicely. You can make a large batch of rice and keep it all week in the refrigerator, mix it with the curry/sauce/topping, or even freeze it. Instant pot mashed potatoes (regular or sweet) also freeze well as a base and heat up well in the microwave.
I’ve used Skinnytaste and the NYT cooking site for both sheet pan and instant pot recipes; Paint the Kitchen Red, Twosleevers, and myheartbeets for Indian food in the instant pot, and anything that is soup/stew/saucy from Ina Garten is always reliable.
Anonymous
I’m in private practice but I assume that this applies in other industries too. My prior firm worked as a team – lawyers asked each other questions, shared workloads, I guess were “cross trained”. My current firm it’s like 50 silos – some people do the same kind of work and compete for it. Little to no asking questions or sharing knowledge. Is this likely to change, ever? I preferred the team approach and it’s been disheartening the last few years to feel like I’m basically in a solo practice.
Cat
Is this a compensation problem behind the scenes? Some firms, you receive a decent amount of credit for running a matter for someone else’s client; in others, you only earn from your own clients. Guess which ones have more collaborative atmospheres?
Emma
I used to work at a firm like this. The mindset was that everyone just ran their own mini law firm and the comp structure discouraged sharing work. I hated it and changed firms to go to a place where we actually work collaboratively.
Anonymous
Speaking as a veteran of a “you eat what you kill” environment (not law) that is trying to change itself into a team culture, it takes years and requires, top-down leadership, grass-roots commitment, and a lot of turnover.
Anonymous
It’s not likely to change.
anon
IME, no, this isn’t going to change. It’s probably a combo of general firm culture and compensation scheme. You aren’t going to be able to change it, so I’d start looking for a more collegial place to work. I also hate the silo-ing. I have to work in a collaborative environment.
Lorelai Gilmore
This is never going to change and you should find a new firm. I am at a collaborative firm with no origination credit and I will never go to an eat what you kill firm, ever. No amount of additional compensation is worth the penalty to my emotional wellbeing. I really think that law is hard enough without adding a whole bunch of internal competition to the mix.
Anonymous
There are special scalp cooling systems to try to preserve hair during chemo. Good luck.
Anon
My MIL was recently diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. She made a comment about her losing her hair once she starts chemo. Is it appropriate for me to purchase some hats for her (we are in the NE and so it will be getting cold very soon)? If so, any recommendations? She is in her late 60s and not super fancy, but does appreciate nice things I have gifted to her in the past.
And any tips for how to best support her and what we can expect? I have lost family members to cancer previously but I was too young/lived too far away to know what the day to day is like.
Anonymous
When I went through this with a family member, she really appreciated having a few “options“ on hand for when she lost her hair. I would try a few types of hats or maybe a buff or large headband and let her know that she should pick and choose whichever ones she wants, if any. My aunt also ended up deciding to get a pixie cut in advance so she felt more in control and I think it helped.
Anonymous
I agree with this. When my mom started losing her hair while having chemo, a nurse gently offered to shave it. My mom was very emotional about it and I think it was better for her to take it all off at once then to each day wake up with more and more hair falling out.
anon
I think it’s appropriate but I also think it’s a ‘know your audience’ thing. Sounds like you have a good relationship with her. Maybe ask if she’d want you to do that? Also, be ready for her to hate/reject them even if she gives you a green light. My mom was SO particular about what she wore on her head when she lost her hair. She swore she’d wear nothing and then swore she’d only wear scarves. She ultimately opted for baseball hats vs other hats and scarves. She also had a wig (on loan I believe – those things are expensive) that she might have worn once. Keep tags on things and don’t take reactions personally of course. This is hard and I wish you and your family well.
Anon
Agree with this, especially that she will probably hate all of the options at first, which is more just emotions related to what’s happening to her body versus whether the hat you chose is cute or not. My mom went through trial and error and ended up wearing a wig the whole time.
Anonymous
Day to day—can be good or bad, and bad includes vomit, nausea, diarrhea, puffy face, loss of appetite, weird things taste bad, lack of energy, general crap. Based on chemo type/frequency, some days better than others across a week or two. Surgery may mean lifting restrictions.
Her head will be cold and sensitive, you can try one and see how it goes. Standard winter caps may feel scratchy.
Ways to help—offer (and do it) to drive her places, run errands for her, meals for rest of family and/or patient, fall/winter yard work. She may hibernate because of COVID, be respectful. It all stinks, but more people survive a diagnosis than before, hopefully this is a season in her life.
Anonymous
Some chemos don’t induce hair loss. Is there a way to check if she made an off hand comment or if it’s an expected side effect.
Other than that – I’d vote silk scarf and turban instructions (is Hermes in your budget)?
Anonymous
Chemo can make the recipient really nauseous, so stay away from food treats. It’s also energy sapping.
Anonymous
When I had chemo my feet got tingly and achy from neuropathy and I appreciated a nice soft pair of uggs. Also the softest blanket you can find would be good. Chemo makes you cold.
Saguaro
Even better, an electric blanket.
Anonymous
I’d wait and see what she needs. I have cancer (colon) and am told I am likely to need chemo after they remove my lymph nodes. I’ve been told that could look like a variety of things (weeks or even months) and that side effects are different for different treatments and people. If I lose my hair, I feel like I’m going to want to invest in a very nice wig or two instead of turbans. It seems like a really personal decision. I’d much rather identify my needs first and then have help rather than to feel expected to use something that I might not want. And honestly, this diagnosis has been super tough already–and I can already tell I’m not as patient as I need to be with those around me who are trying to anticipate what I’m going to go through. But I want to make those decisions when I want to make them. I have so little control on things that this is really important to me. I don’t know if your MIL is like me, but she may appreciate you holding back a bit and asking her what she wants once she has a bit of time to know what new normal is looking like.
Digby
Look at the headcovers website for hats, beanies, turbans and scarves. I think their mission is to help people with hair loss, so a lot of their products have padded linings or comfortable/adjustable inner headbands.
Anonymous
Specific recommendations for hats/headwear from a recent chemo patient:
Soft beanies from CasualBox on Etsy/Amazon (“slouchy cotton summer beanie”)
Head coverings from Shari Rose on Etsy/Amazon (I liked the ones with the long tail)
A “halo wig” that is a more comfortable wig worn under a scarf/hat (it doesn’t have a top, which makes it more comfortable) (I had the one from Renee of Paris on Wigs.com )
HerWigCloset on Etsy makes relatively inexpensive and nice wigs
You could also consider a port accessible top/sweater/sweatshirt.
Anon
There are hats specifically made for chemo that are softer and looser than regular winter caps. You might look for those. If you knit or know someone who does, you can find patterns for them with specific yarn recommendations.
My friend who went through chemo recently bought caps and wigs but ended up wearing scarves to cover her head. I think she said silk felt better but cotton stayed on the best.
Non headwear ideas include soft, fuzzy socks, a barefoot dreams type cardigan, throw blankets, and crossword puzzle books if MIL is into that.
Best of luck to all.
Anon
She whether she is interested in something like the hair halo made by ChemoDiva. The idea is to cut your hair before it falls out, and then have a hair halo made from your own hair that can be worn with all kinds of hats. Of course, this idea depends on her hairstyle, her preferences and your relationship.
Anon
Wow that’s such a great idea! Definitely filing that one into the back of my head in case someone I know needs it in the future…
Anonymous
How about getting a very beautiful large (and washable) pure silk scarf or stole? Something she may wear as a scarf/shawl, but which also works as a headscarf if she wants. It can be a luxury, good luck item to wear during appointments, to remind her of your love. (You don’t have to introduce the headscarf idea.)
If she’s having surgery, she might have trouble with clothes that go over her head for a while. Maybe she’d like a soft and warm wrap sweater or tunic, something easy to walk into on that looks dressed.
Anon
My mom liked headcovers.com’s selection. Wraps, scarves, bamboo caps, etc are all nice for options. If you want other things for the world’s most depressing gift basket, you can also look at eyebrow pencils, unscented bath and body products that target moisture like aquaphor, drip drop (electrolyte drink mix), Biotene, sensitive toothbrushes, fuzzy socks, maybe some protein shakes, the book Pretty Sick if she’s into beauty. You might also be able to find a wig shop that is nice – once that does fittings in like a hair salon environment, not a medical supply store that has a few wigs stored next to adult diapers.
breast cancer
I’d recommend no on the hats, though YMMV. I lost my hair last year due to chemo for aggressive breast cancer and I hated the “cancer cap” style of hat that is loose and slouchy because they are just plain fugly and made me look like a cancer patient. I never wore a wig and preferred to go bald. The only time I really wanted to wear a hat was at night because my bald head sweated a lot. Several family members gave me cancer caps that I never wore.
breast cancer
Adding a positive suggestion – one thing I would have liked to receive as a gift was a stack of trashy/photo-intensive magazines to read during chemo treatments. The clinic is noisy and distracting and you’re there for hours. Something silly and easy to read with a lot of pictures was nice to have. I often did not have the energy to read anything too serious.
Walnut
I really enjoyed having an Apple News+ subscription for tons of random reading material. Magazines are perfect on the larger iPads.
Anonymous
Probably a long shot but it sounds like there might be some competitive cyclists here. Does anyone have any insight on how you can first get involved in racing? I did one triathlon and I really liked the experience of training and race day, but I’m mostly interested in mountain biking now and don’t care for running. I would love to try to find some MTB races in my state (CA) that aren’t super cutthroat, but that are more than just a neighborhood fun ride. Any ideas on how to start?
Anon
Would a scheduled group ride scratch your itch? I’m not in CA, but in an area with good mountain biking and our local mountain bike club, as well as one of the local bike shops does group rides at multiple ability levels. There’s a women’s intermediate ride here that’s an absolute ass-kicker for me. Some of them race and it’s their “easy” ride. I’m just happy to be challenged while in a group of people who I know are good bike handlers.
Anonymouse
I’m not in CA, so I don’t have any local suggestions for you, but something that worked for me was participating in group rides that local shops put on. I would usually get wind of smaller, more casual races via word of mouth. You might even have some luck finding something like a beer-league, weeknight race series! It can be hard to find a good balance between competitive but still fun, especially if you’re in a larger city/somewhere that has a very big bike scene, but don’t let that deter you from trying :)
What kind of MTB racing are you looking to get into? XC, Enduro, DH? If it’s either of the latter two, bike parks usually have posters and ads all over the place for those races.
Anonymous
Try to find a local club or Facebook groups specific to your area – they will be able to connect you to whatever is going on locally.
Based on your description, you might find cyclo-cross fun. I think the “season” is usually this time of year (fall).
Senior Attorney
There should be a cycling club (or two or more) in your area that can be an entrée into that kind of thing. Check your local bike shop — they will probably post notices there. Good luck and BE CAREFUL!!
Anon
Checkout the California Dirt Series (we did Sea Otter Classic). There’s also Grinduro if you’re not into technical stuff and looking for more of a gravel style ride. Also check out IMBA rides
Anonymous
Thanks all, surprised and pleased to get some good responses! I’d be looking for XCO, I think.
Can I please have some chicken?
I’m expecting twins soon, and am very lucky that my mom is able to come stay with me for a month to help, and loves babies and is a fantastic cook who assumes that is one of her main jobs. The only gotcha is that she is a very strict vegan, who’s a bit evangelical about things – it’s been truly great for her health, and as a result she’s sure a plant based diet would solve 90% of all problems in the world. My husband is an easy going vegetarian and doesn’t cook meat, but is happy to let me eat whatever. And I’m a currently pregnant mommy who used to eat vegetarian because it was easier, but is craving (and eating) liver, bone broth, hamburgers, chicken, sardines, parmasan cheese, and all the meaty and dairy things. I suspect that will continue after the babies are born, and, I truly think it’s what my body needs during this pregnancy and to heal afterwards. Any idea on how to add meat to my diet without starting WW3, while my mom is in the kitchen and I’m sitting on the couch trying to nurse 2 babies and recover from a C-section? My mom and I had a major blowup about a year ago when she discovered that I was adding meat to my diet to increase my protein intake to try to improve my egg quality (based on current research and my chinese medicine doctor’s advice; since I finally got pregnant a few months later, I think it worked for me:-)) – she got really upset when she learned I was eating meat, and started lecturing me on how I was sending myself to an early grave. (I responded with something super mature like that if I never got to be a mom I really didn’t care to live to be 90). I’ve asked my best friend to please drop off some chicken soup, and another friend if he could please bring me some of his delicious chopped liver. Any ideas of easy ways to add meat to vegan meals that don’t require the vegan or vegetarian to actually cook the meat? Or other creative ideas to allow me to eat meat without having to have direct conflict with my mom about things?
Anonymous
Are you sure you want your mother around judging your diet while you are trying to care for and nurse twins? You will already be getting enough judgment from the pediatrician, OB/GYN, lactation consultant, etc. In a sleep-deprived postpartum state, you will have much less ability to shrug off or push back against the criticism. You will also have a very hard time getting enough quality calories from a vegan diet if you are not already an experienced vegan, especially if one of the babies has feeding problems and the lactation consultant or pediatrician pushes you to try one of those extreme elimination diets. Can you hire a postpartum doula and invite your mom to come when the babies are more like 8-12 weeks old?
anonymous
+1 Your are not going to win this fight with your Mom and the judgement/lecturing will probably be worse once the babies are here. I agree with having your Mom come when the babies are older. And don’t talk to her about your diet or what you’re eating.
OP
Oh gosh. Maybe in some families this would work, but my mom is SO EXCITED about meeting the babies. I really can’t see telling her to wait until they are 8 weeks old without doing significant damage to our relationship. And frankly, I think I’m going to need the help. She lives far away, so, just popping in to see the babies before then isn’t possible. You are absolutely right to just not discuss food with her; minus the blowup conversation referenced, I’ve learned to just never discuss food around her… I absolutely agree about the difficulty in getting enough calories, and the general judgement soup I’ll be living in…ha, already getting judgement from the midwife about the doctor saying I need a c-section:-P When I’m not sleep deprived I can mostly let it roll, but it’s going to be hard when I’m exhausted.
Anonymous
You are having two babies! It’s not about your mom’s needs or desire to meet the babies. It’s about your own needs.
Aunt Jamesina
It’s definitely best to set very clear boundaries before she arrives. If it were my mom,I would do it via email so she has a chance to read and digest the news on her own (and don’t give her the opportunity to negotiate this boundary after via call/text). “Hi mom, I’m excited and so thankful you’re coming to help out when the twins arrive! Something to know that is not open for discussion or comment is that I am eating and will continue to eat animal products. If this is an issue for you, then coming to stay with us isn’t going to work out.” And if she pushes back when she comes, I would completely ignore the first comment (not even a facial expression, literally pretend she didn’t say anything), then if she repeats it, let her know that the arrangement isn’t working and she’ll need to leave.
Anon
I agree. If mom is for sure coming you need to set the stage with her now that you are eating meat, you will continue to eat meat, and you will not entertain lectures about it. This is a condition of seeing the babies and she can accept it or not come. Period. Be firm with her. Don’t back down and don’t engage.
Elegant Giraffe
Agree with giving her a heads up ahead of time and then NOT discussing it once she arrives. I would also put some friends on meat delivery duty. Someone can bring a roast chicken on Monday…someone else can bring over burgers on Thursday…etc. And I would 100% lie that my doctor told me to eat meat for the first six months or whatever.
anon
I would add to each of these that there will be no expectations that your mom cook or handle the meat, only that some of your friends may drop off stuff with meat, as honestly there are few better sources of iron than liver. Then throw in something about how you love her cooking and are looking forward to seeing her. I can imagine, if she is anything like my mom, she could easily take “I will be eating meat” as “OMG, I’m coming to see you and feed you and NOW you are telling that I will have to cook meat for you since I will be doing ALL the cooking.”
Anon
If the crying of the babies doesn’t drown out the rants, maybe earplugs? Or bring mom to appointments where the doctor is previously prompted to discuss how you need to listen to your body pre- and post-partum re food choices and everything else?
My mom is like your mom in that she tended to me post-babies, but unlike your mom in that she understood 1000% that her role was “best supporting actress” whereas your mom risks making this all about her vegan ways. Sympathies. Meal deliveries. Meal pickup. Maybe her gift is of her presence and you remove her from the food equation except for helping unload the dishwasher? There will be plenty of other tasks.
FWIW, one grandmother fried hamburgers in lard. She died at 94, with her body outliving her mind.
OP
LOL at the babies crying/earplugs comment. Great idea to bring her along to dr appointments; I can tip off my doctor that I’d appreciate it if she encouraged me to eat some meat. I can try to suggest takeout, also…she loves to cook so getting her out of the kitchen is hard, but as I’m thinking about this I’m realizing I can say “come tell me about when we were babies while I nurse, then let’s get some takeout from the great Thai place you liked last time you visited”.
Anonymous
Just to moderate your expectations on nursing twins. In the first 4 weeks, nursing the twins was a two person job for my twins. I needed to use two hands to latch one, then someone held baby A in place while I used two hands to latch baby B. Repeat everytime one of them unlatched during a feed. Nursing after 6 weeks or so is a breeze compared to the early days when both you and the babies are nursing.
Anonymous
*when both you and babies are still learning to nurse.
Anonymous
Is it typical to feed both at the same time?
Anonymous
It depends. There are BF pillows specifically designed for that purpose and you have to generally use football hold. I tried initially but they ate at different rates and I had my mom with me everyday so I switched to nursing one while my mom bottle fed the other.
If you don’t feed at the same time, then you have to feed one after the other which doesn’t always work when both are crying. Plus if they learn to do it, it’s MUCH simpler and way less expensive than having to deal with multiple sets of bottles. Depends on the babies and the mom.
Anon
I had a baby a bit early, so I came home from the hospital with a baby and 10 jumbo bags of unused Halloween candy. With just one baby, a lot of food that I could just unwrap and eat was a blessing. I ate pretty well, but sometimes it was nice to have a snickers bar while I was burning through a bazillion calories a day. Don’t let anyone judge. If you’re not smoking or doing meth, do what you need to to survive.
Anon
Take out?
Anonymous
Lol you’re dreaming. Tell her you eat meat now and if she can’t respect that, she won’t be coming.
No Problem
My advice is to pre-cook some meat and freeze it so you can add it to vegan or vegetarian meals later. Cook up some seasoned ground beef for tacos, ground beef or turkey to add to chili, grilled chicken strips to add to salads or pasta, bacon to add to your eggs (or egg substitute if even eggs would cause WWIII) or crumble up and put on salads, etc. Not sure how well pre-cooked hamburgers would freeze and thaw, but it might be worth trying it once before she comes to stay with you. Keep on hand the sardines and add to your plate if you want them! Same for canned tuna – if you want to make a tuna melt one day for lunch, you can find 10 minutes to make yourself a tuna melt.
And then I think the response to your mom’s comments is “I am going to eat what I need to eat to fuel my body so that I can nurse two babies and heal from delivery. I am not asking you to eat or cook meat. This topic of conversation is closed.” Repeat ad nauseum.
Twins
Congratulations on your twins
If planning to breast feed, you need a ton of calories to keep up for two kids. I also lost a lot of blood in delivery and really needed high iron foods post partum.
I can understand if she prefers not to cook these things herself, so getting delivery can potentially be a good compromise.
And ultimately different bodies respond to different diets. Hopefully she’d understand that you acknowledge all the great things veganism has done for her, but at this stage meat and dairy will be important parts of your diet.
Good luck!!
anonshmanon
Might be worth trying to tell your mom that pregnancy and breastfeeding a baby is taxing your body in special ways and during this time, you will listen to your body and eat some meat, but she should keep in mind that this is just a brief phase and you have a long life ahead of you where you can eat plant based.
I wouldn’t worry about whether you actually plan to go back to vegetarian eating or perhaps you decide to give your kid some chicken nuggets down the road. Your mom is making unreasonable demands on you, and if a white lie can fix it, that’s what I would do.
OP
I like this idea. And, there’s a decent amount of truth to it – I really do believe that different stages of life have different needs.
Anon-o-mom
Was coming here to say something along these lines. Before she arrives, tell her you plan to consume animal proteins postpartum and that you need her to spare you any argument on it. Don’t leave that conversation until you’ve had two babies and are recovering. It’s also a good opportunity to let her know that she is welcome to postpone her trip until you’ve stopped doing that, but you don’t know when that might be. Boundaries are that much more important once you have kids. Start establishing them immediately.
I cannot stress enough how your postpartum self is not your pre-partum self. You will be sleep deprived. You will, perhaps, be nursing and that’s not always as easy as you think it would be (who knew some nips aren’t cut out for it without a fight?). You will be 5 days in and have a “What have I done to my life?!!?” breakdown at 1am. (It’s fine. We all have them. Babies won’t understand. You’re still a good mom.) You may end up with mastitis. You’ll have a major incision. After my c-section I sweat out just loads of water my second night home (thanks, pre-e). After my VBAC I did nothing of the sort but it did feel like someone took a crowbar to my crotch for 6 weeks. None of this is out of the ordinary, but add one person making one thing harder for you and you may blow up. So all this to say, plan to give yourself enough grace and wiggle room to minimize the unnecessary stress, like a lecture on animal proteins. Boundaries boundaries boundaries.
Anonymous
I’m normally team “my parents don’t get to tell me what to do in my own house” but I also have twins and I think you’ll find her help invaluable. Can you stock up on a bunch of frozen meat and entrees before the twins arrive? I’m also a fan of those ready to heat meals from the grocery. I like tinned sardines on crackers. Thats my standard lunch these days (mine are eight months old). Inform your mom she is welcome to cook for herself, but you will be ordering takeout and eating prepared meals for a while and you’re not interested in discussing it. Then prepare to repeat ad nauseam: “I just gave birth to two humans. I’m glad that works for you but my body needs meat right now.” Tbh my diet consisted mainly of yogurt cups and Goldfish for the first four months of my twins’ lives (I was not breastfeeding) so I think you’re doing great. But it really is fantastic that she’s coming to help. Congratulations on your twins!
Anonymous
I think you should cook meat in advance and then just add it to your mom’s meals. In my experience, it’s really easy to add slices of chicken, flank steak, or pork loin to any vegetarian meal. These things reheat easily and will add protein. You can also do pulled pork or braised beef. It sounds like you are in touch with your body and its needs and I think you should trust that, just the way your mom is trusting her body when she feels better on a vegan diet.
anon
I have twins and let me tell you…those first few months are hard! And if you’re nursing, you will be hungrier than you ever have been. Like needing to eat a full meal in the middle of the night hungry. For your purposes, you might want to focus on things you will eat in addition to the vegan meals, because I doubt you’ll be satisfied by 3 meals even if they have meat. I ate a cream cheese sandwich before bed for several months, which is not something I would ever do in any other stage of life. It is also helpful to have food you can easily eat with your hands. I suggest keeping deli meat on hand so that you can quickly make yourself a turkey or roast beef or whatever sandwich if you like. Whole milk yogurt was also good for keeping me full.
Anonymous
This. Greek yoghurt with fruit or nuts was clutch for me.
Anon
Can you tell her your doctor told you that you need meat? I blame everything on my doctor or my kid’s doctor.
Anon
Please don’t do this.
Signed, vegetarian for over 20 years who has had to endure a lot of judgement about the prospect of being pregnant and not eating meat.
Anonymous
This is a weird flex. She should accept judgment from her mom because that somehow means you won’t be judged by a doctor?
It’s incredibly challenging to meet the specific dietary requirements for a twin pregnancy (which are different from a singleton pregnancy) with a vegetarian, let alone a vegan diet. She’s doing her best and you could cut her some slack.
Anon
I have not been judged by a doctor. My doctor was supportive of my diet during my pregnancy. However, what happens is that OP tells Mom that her doctor is mandating that she eats meat. Mom complains about this to a friend. Friend then judges other random vegetarians for being vegetarian while pregnant.
Just don’t lie, okay? It doesn’t make life any better. Own your choices because you’re an adult.
anonshmanon
You could do the same. ‘My doctor says my diet is great and has no concerns about me having a baby’.
Anon
Way to make it about you.
OP
I just wanted to respond to you and say I really understand; I’m sorry you got so much judgement. (I’m feeling that with getting a c-section; I know it’s right for me given reasons, but, dang, getting so much pushback from people who suddenly know that all women can have a natural birth.) And it’s sad that people can’t differentiate between “my doctor told ME that I need meat”, and, every woman needs meat. I hope you had and/or have good, easy pregnancies, and wonderful snuggly babies:-)
Anon
I’m not judging you . I’m saying that “my doctor says blah blah blah” is a good excuse to use with relatives who might try to argue with you. We use it all the time with my in-laws who can be very judgy about parenting choices we make. I think I’m a fairly moral person but I don’t think lying is a big deal in this circumstance if it will get the relative off your back.
Fwiw, (good) doctors make recommendations that are tailored to their patient’s individual need. My doctor made me drink protein shakes while pregnant. It doesn’t mean all pregnant women need protein shakes. Likewise I would never judge a friend who kept a vegetarian diet in pregnancy just because some doctor told a different woman she should eat meat.
Anonymous
If the primary issue is how to consume meat without asking your cook to cook it…the answer is take-out. And things like pepperonis, deli meat, rotisserie chicken– stuff you can grab and eat.
Anonymous
Deal with the issue before she arrives. Make her visit conditional on her accepting the food issue. Make up a two week meal plan with breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. Ask her to note which things she is comfortable preparing and assign those a specific color font. You or DH take care of the rest via friends or food delivery.
Make it clear that she is welcome as long as she does not complain about or discuss the food issue. She may be so excited but once you are a mom your priority has to shift to protecting your babies. The best way to take care of your babies is by taking care of yourself and keeping yourself in excellent health which at this stage of your life means eating meat and dairy. You can let her know that this is not necessarily a permanent change but that it is change that is not up for discussion at present.
Pick a couple sentences and practice repeating them ‘this is not up for discussion’, ‘I have made decisions for my physical and mental health in conjunction with medical advice and I will not be discussing this’, ‘if you cannot accept my decision, you can’t be here at meal times’. Note that she does NOT need to respect or agree with your decision. She just has to 1- accept it for now, 2- not discuss the issue.
Anon
Late reply, but I have a couple of easy suggestions.
You can buy capsules of desiccated beef liver sold as a nutritional supplement. I take it for iron and B vitamins because regular iron is hard in my stomach. Something like cod liver oil capsules may beer an option too.
I also use a ground meat/liver/heart blend instead of plain ground beef. My local Natural Grocer sells beef and bison versions labeled “ancestral blend” in the freezer section. You could cook a bunch of that with whatever spices you like and freeze in individual servings. Add it to your plate with any soups, casseroles, pastas, etc. Or just roll it up in a tortilla with some cheese for a snack.
Anon
I don’t know your husband, but I am a nearly lifelong vegetarian and find that cooking some meat is really pretty hands off. Your husband can probably get a pack of marinaded chicken or whatever from the store, preheat the oven, open it up onto a cookie sheet, and bake all while barely looking at / touching the meat. Tell him he doesn’t have to do it forever but you need him to do it for six months. He should manage sucking it up – I can do all of this without touching meat, it’s way easier than cooking a veg dinner. Some stores have take and bake in aluminum containers so it’s really just sticking it in the oven. Otherwise, stock up the freezer at trader joe’s/whole foods. If your mom gripes, tell her that you have just birthed twins and to leave you alone for a bit.
OP
Thanks for all the replies and good ideas! Just got back from an overly-long meeting, but I really appreciate them. I do really want my mom there, so will think about how to give her the head’s up beforehand that I’ll be eating meat and that it’s not something we will be discussing after the babies come. I really like the “I am going to eat what I need to eat to fuel my body so that I can nurse two babies and heal from delivery. I am not asking you to eat or cook meat. This topic of conversation is closed” phrasing. And then I’ll think how to use the freezer, desicated liver and cod liver oil, friends, deli meat (which I’d totally forgotten existed due to not eating it during pregnancy), and a bowl of yogurt as a midnight snack to fill in the meat needs. I like the idea of adding chicken to salads, and eating sardines on the side, etc, – thanks!. I’m happy to eat what she cooks (she’s a great cook), I just want meat, too! Thanks especially for the twin mom comments.
Anonymous
Some more ideas:
You can freeze sandwiches. Roastbeef, ham and cheese etc, you can have weeks worth of quick, extra snacks premade. Add some pickles, beets, tomatoes after defrosting.
You can also premake breakfast eggs in muffin tins and freeze, have fillings like black pudding, ham, bacon or cheese.
Ask your mother to research some high iron or umami vegan meals that she can prepare to do contribute to the cravings. Things like beet and black bean burgers (you can add feta to your plate), tofu in indian saag spinach/kale sauce (add chicken), leek and chickpea soup (add parmesan and butter), lentil or nut roast (add bacon) or vegan cheese pizza (add anchovies).
OP
Fantastic ideas, thank you!!
London Physiotherapist
Could anyone recommend a physiotherapist in the City of London (or if not, Greater London) for joint injury recovery?
I’m hoping to find one that can help with rehabilitative exercises on-site, such as PNF massages / hands-on rehab exercise / Theraband tubing or banding exercises for tricky joint injuries (shoulders, wrists, knees, etc). I have AVIVA private health insurance through work + expat coverage. Thank you!
London Physiotherapist
* expat coverage = will likely (but not certain) be able to get coverage with up to USD 100k with any medical care provider
London (formerly NY) CPA
I’m currently seeing Rebecca at Physio Solutions Clinic in Angel for a knee injury. I like her very much. It’s tiny and they don’t have on-site equipment like I’m used to from PTs in the US (not sure if that’s a thing here at other clinics…), but she spends most of the appointment time doing hands-on massage/stretching work, which I prefer to paying someone to watch me work out on machines!
OP
Thank you!
Cornellian
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on DIY wedding makeup on the coffee break post yesterday! Feeling a little more confident after reading responses and watching some videos.
Anon
Didn’t have time to respond yesterday but if you’re considering eyelash extensions get them today as you can’t get them wet for 48 hours (give or take). And have a wonderful time at your wedding!
anonshmanon
Also didn’t respond yesterday, but I did my own makeup on my wedding day and have zero regrets! I did my regular minimal routine, added some extra blush and bronzer and bought a new lipstick for the day. I am quite happy with how I look on photos years later. You can do this!
Calico
Oh good! I did this look myself (I bet that Bobbi Brown liner is still available and it’s totally worth it!) I bet you could find similar eyeshadow and any highlighter will achieve a similar glow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUa37lniu-Y
Anon
Random wedding math question. I know that people expect that gifts to equal the cost per guest. And people often say “my wedding was 50K” or whatever it is. But people never say “I netted to $0 on my wedding” or “I spent 50K but got 25K in stuff and have some lovely pictures” or whatever. But hammering away on the cost sort of really ignores the plus side of the ledger (you got a vitamix and towels that match and have no bleach spots and cash and silver or whatever you registered for). Do things really net out or nowhere near net out or people just like to faux complain about spendy weddings?
[And end rant. I got a silver setting from my grandmother who is downsizing and when I went to look at what getting more would cost, I was blown away. That is some expensive stuff and while I get that wedding cost a lot, now I am seeing that you get things that are often of really significant value. And I’ve been reading too many SEC filings lately.]
Anon
It’s not transactional like that. Only a small minority of guests “cover the plate,” which isn’t close to their portion of the cost of a wedding. That’s just covering the catering, if someone even gifts in that range. Not flowers, photographs, music, venue, etc.
Anonymous
I don’t know a single person who expects that and can’t fathom doing that math.
anon
+1. I actually said WUT out loud reading this post.
Anon
It doesn’t work like that. Only a small minority of guests “cover the plate,” which isn’t close to their portion of the cost of a wedding. That’s just covering the catering, if someone even gifts in that range. Not flowers, photographs, music, venue, etc.
Anon
This is not a real problem.
Anon
Right. And this math is really gross. Have a wedding because you want to celebrate a happy time with those you love, not so you can make money on investing in a party.
Cat
Right. And this math is really gross. Have a wedding because you want to celebrate a happy time with those you love, not so you can make money on investing in a party.
anon
It is traditional in some countries to ask the mother of the bride what a plate costs and to gift accordingly. Not really done in the US, though.
Our almost-elopement tiny wedding netted us about $1500, but I think most weddings really are a significant net cost.
Anon
I got married a few years ago. Food, service charges, beverages, cake, and booze was about $80 per person (a lot of non drinkers and LCOL area).
Other costs: church rental, dress, tux rental, hair, makeup, venue rental, coat check, bartender costs, photographer, music costs, decorations, flowers, hotel, rings.
The latter exceeds the former. From what I understand, the food costs are usually about 1/3 of the wedding cost.
Anon
Cover your plate doesn’t mean cover the cost of the wedding. It means cover the cost of your food. Our small, simple wedding the food and venue cost less than $5k so most guests probably did cover their plate since that works out to less than $100 per person (although I agree most people don’t “cover the plate” consciously). But we still lost money on the wedding because we had many other expenses including flowers, photography, a band, apparel, etc. The total cost of the wedding was more like $15k.
Anonymous
You do not have to give a gift that equals the cost of your plate. Most people do not.
Senior Attorney
This is an insane question. There is no wedding ever that ended up even breaking even, unless it’s a tiny one with very generous guests, like anon at 11:40 a.m. But big weddings are “nowhere near net out.”
anon
Who calculates wedding costs this way?
Anon
I’m not OP but I’ve seen people on here referring to covering their costs and for me, this was a helpful clarification. My takeaway is that you’re expected to cover the cost of your meal but not necessarily a proportional share of the entire wedding.
I will admit I’ve also seen things online where a couple is demanding a price like $1000 a head to attend their wedding, but I’ve never experienced that personally. (I know one of the examples was real though because it was in my extended family, which I am embarrassed to admit)
Commuter rain shoes
Hi all, do you have any recommendations for where to get ‘nice’ commuter shoes for rainy weather in public transport? October weather in Paris is unexpectedly miserable and I am finding surprisingly little choice in the local selection for functionality and comfort. I work in a business formal law firm and can trek out to London if that is where I will find what I need. TIA!
Anon
I’ve always just worn galoshes and left a pair of shoes at the office to change into.
Anon
Why not just rain boots?
Anonymous
I love my Blondo boots for this, if you can access that brand where you are.
Anonymous
https://www.galerieslafayette.com/p/bottines+de+pluie+hardware+caoutchouc-tommy+hilfiger/78430024/320
https://www.galerieslafayette.com/p/boots+de+pluie+rainbow-pataugas/78948118/320
Anonymous
Lol I’m pretty sure you can find weather-appropriate shoes in Paris of all places…
pugsnbourbon
I just bought a pair of Blondo waterproof chelsea boots. I haven’t worn them in the rain yet but so far they’re very comfortable.
(also I am deeply jealous of your life)
Anon
Have and love…if you ignore the name ;)
https://www.amazon.com/Crocs-Womens-Sloane-Flat-Black/dp/B07L8YX6Q4
Anonymous
No shoe ideas here, but I am visiting your city next month and would love some packing tips! Was think a couple pairs of black leggings, a jumpsuit in black, and a long dress in navy. I don’t have waterproof outerwear that will travel well – would I need it? Thank you!
Commuter rain shoes
It rains ALL. THE. TIME. in October and (according to my local friends) in November as well. Think London weather with maybe a slight more chance at 30 minutes of sunshine during the day? Definitely bring waterproof outerwear if you have!
Anonymous
Thank you so much!
Shelle
I wear the Sorel Harlow Chelsea boot. Functional, comfortable, doesn’t scream “these are for bad weather”.
Anon
I read this as “computer shoes.” I have definitely been in front of my screen for too long.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I bought a pair of hunter-brand loafers that are pretty decent looking and waterproof! https://www.hunterboots.com/gb/en_gb/womens-loafers-clogs/womens-gloss-penny-loafers/blue/3213
HW
Oh my gosh those are cute.
Ribena
Leather Chelsea boots or patent brogues. Change into heels at the office if you need to. Order from Clarks (I assume they still ship to Europe, I know they have a presence in Germany).
(This is on the assumption that Paris rain is very much like Edinburgh or London rain!)
Commuter rain shoes
Thank you for all the recs!
Anon
Has anyone used tend for dental services? In NYC, but curious about the company generally. It feels like the dentist equivalent of onemed (which I love).
Carla
Yes I went to the Wall Street location. I have going to the dentist and it was a nice experience in terms of the reception and lobby and facilities.
The dentist was alright, but I wouldn’t want to go for anything too serious/complicated
Anonymous
I think there are some UK-based commenters here – can you help? I’m on the US East Coast but manage a team in London and want to send the team a small pick-me-up gift during our intense work season right now. I am not in a position to give extra time off or bonuses. What snack/ flower delivery services might you recommend? These will go either to our office (people are in only a couple of days a week so I would time it for when everyone is in) or to home addresses via our office manager.
Anonymous
Look at Sortedfood on youtube. These guys are London-based and have been doing lots of food delivery reviews during the pandemic, look at the food kits videos.
Cb
Oh maybe one of those big graze boxes with snacks. Or a fancy donut or cookie delivery? Abel and Cole might have work packages.
Anonymous
Late reply! Look at Biscuiteers, Betty’s Tearoom, M&S, Fortnum & Mason, Bloom & Wild.
Anonymous
For those of you that went to private school but lived in a town with good public schools, or have kids that went or are going to private school, what made you choose the private route?
Our suburban town has a great school system. I went to a good public school and DH went to an AMAZING private school in an area with lousy public schools. We moved to town assuming our kids would go public all the way through high school.
Our oldest is in 3rd grade and is just…unchallenged. Bored. She likes the social aspect of school but spends her days coloring. A lot of this is due to COVID. She has had no learning loss and in fact did really well despite the challenges of COVID, and a lot of her peers did not. She is not a child prodigy. Just a bright kid who is ready for challenging work and many of her peers are playing catch-up from 1st and 2nd grade. She plays several sports, does dance and is in chess club. We are thinking about starting piano lessons. Enrichment outside school doesn’t seem to be a problem (or even a solution to her in-school boredom).
We have a routine conference set up in a few weeks and I’d like to go into it informed and asking for what my kid needs…but DH and I are wondering if she needs a more challenging school environment overall?
Anon
I grew up on the border of a town with some of the top schools in the state (and some of the top property tax rates in the state too!). My parents chose to live on the cheaper side of the border so the money saved on taxes could go to private school tuition (taxes + tuition about = taxes in more expensive town) . If I lived somewhere with very high taxes to fund great schools, I wouldn’t waste that money. If your taxes aren’t super high, I loved the experience of private school, and more specifically of all-girls school. Much smaller class sizes, amazing teachers many of whom were PhDs, lots of extracurricular options that I think would be hard to find at a public school. Loved single-sex education. However, a definite negative is a lack of diversity, especially socioeconomic.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t jump to another school if she is happy from a social perspective.
Is she just learning one language? Our 2nd graders learn to read in English and French at school and we just added a third language online for an hour twice a week afterschool (plus related homework). Seems to add a nice level of additional challenge for them.
Can you talk to the teacher about what she can do instead of coloring sheets once she is done her classwork? Our oldest really enjoyed reading Harry Potter in third grade so she was allowed to bring her HP book and silent read when she finished her classwork. Land of Stories is also a good series if she finds HP too scary (esp in later books).
Anonymous
Adding that I would jump to private around grade 5 if you are seeing the same issues. I think it will take a year or so for schools to get back on track post covid.
Anonymous
She has Spanish class once a week. But in public school, no, she is not learning multiple languages in the 2nd grade. ;)
Anonymous
I wasn’t sure because there are a number of immersion public schools. We had looked at a couple in Florida before settling closer to my hometown in Canada. Maybe try adding another language as an afterschool activity? It provides a bit more academic challenge than gymnastics etc and if she’s allowed to read in class when she is done her work then she can read in that language which is more challenging vs. coloring sheets.
Anonymous
Gently, it seems like you’re wondering if you should consider private school and this public school product internet stranger supports that wholeheartedly. Fwiw I send my kid to the real life east coast equivalent of the school in big little lies (“so small and great that it’s practically private!”) and I’d send him to a world class private instead if I could. Public school is always public school, you know?
roxie
do you hear yourself?
Anon
Life’s too short to spend time bored in school. I would like to think she could get an IEP for more challenging work? For me enrichment didn’t compensate for all the wasted time, which was demoralizing for me. I also really, really benefited from PhD teachers and a more academic environment, so for me private school was the way to go, but I know that’s very individual.
Anonymous
Most states don’t allow IEPs for gifted kids unless the kid is 2e.
Anon
Then I guess that’s one more reason to prefer private education if a good private school is available!
Anonymous
If you’re in a town where people move for the schools, you may find that the private elementary schools aren’t that much more challenging academically and that parents opt for private elementary more for their own social reasons or because they prefer a specific educational philosophy (eg Montessori). I went to private k-12 and loved it — but we opted to send our kids to our city public school until middle school when we switched them to a private school that didn’t start until 6th grade. Also, FYI, my friend who went to competitive public schools really struggles with being a private school parent – it’s both an identity thing (she really valued her experience) and some misaligned expectations. Private school is so eye wateringly expensive in most places that I’d only do it if you’re sure you won’t constantly second guess yourself.
Anonymous
This. We were actually advised to send our daughter to public school instead of private school because she needed to be accelerated a grade and no private school would do it.
What we are now discovering, however, is that where we live the fanciest private schools have much better college counseling. Hiring a private college consultant is probably cheaper than years and years of private school tuition, though.
roberta dylan
My hometown has excellent public schools; I went to boarding school for high school because I was being bullied. Academically, I might have been okay in my local public school (definitely wouldn’t have excelled, especially in STEM, but suspect I would have been bored to death in humanities), but I would have been lonely and miserable, and my tiny boarding school was absolutely the right environment for me.
A few of the kids in my public school skipped grades for specific classes — there was a kid in my sixth grade class taking high school math classes, and I was negotiating to take three foreign languages instead of one when I won my boarding school scholarship and the question became moot — so maybe that’s an option for your kid?
Anon
Anecdata story – I was put in what was then called a ‘gifted and talented’ magnet school in 3rd grade after similar issues in 2nd grade. Obviously I find the name of such programs problematic but is there something like that your daughter could test into? My experience at school changed dramatically – like minded kids, all kinda geeky, loved learning, it was just the best. I want to caution that private school /=/ a better learning environment necessarily. In middle school, I transferred to a private school and found it unchallenging and awful – basically rich kids with access to math tutors, not the kind of love of learning and actual intellectual engagement I had experienced before. So if you go the private school route definitely make sure you do your due diligence. If you have an IB school in your area, I would highly recommend checking that out.
Anon
Probably a small annoyance in the scheme of things but how would you have reacted?
I went to Nordstrom yesterday to smell fragrances, which I had been looking forward to for weeks. A very nice woman helped me, I sniffed my way through 5 or 6, and really liked one. I asked her to spray my wrist so I could wear it for a while before deciding.
An hour later I went back to buy it and she looked in every drawer and couldn’t find it. She looked in the back. They didn’t have any. She looked online. No stores had any. In addition to the tester, they had a full bottle on display, in its box, on the shelf. I said I will just buy that one. She tried to ring it up and said she didn’t have a sku so she couldn’t sell it to me.
I looked online and it’s a limited edition and every store in the US is sold out, not just Nordstrom.
So why have the testers and display out? I asked the woman id they were going to take down the testers and she said no.
I am so frustrated. I had been looking forward to this for a long time and it just felt like bait and switch.
Ci
You can’t be serious.
anonymouser
I would recognize that the sales associate you spoke with controls nothing related to this scenario and after, being disappointed for a moment, move on with my life.
Cat
+1
It’s worth feeling momentarily annoyed about the wasted effort, nothing more.
eertmeert
I would check out a decant site and see if they have it offered there. Surrender to Chance has a lot of limited editions etc.
I would also go to Fragrantica and see if there are similar perfumes. If you scroll down there is often a list of dupes, or people might mention similar scents in the reviews.
Anon
Thanks! I am a fragrantica regular. :)
Shelle
Have you tried Lucky Scent dot com or The Perfumed Court dot com to purchase sample sizes? I’ve had great experiences with both. Good luck!
Anon
I love Lucky Scent! Unfortunately they don’t carry this one. I did buy Moon Bloom from them after sampling it. Gorgeous.
Shelle
I’ll add it to my way too long list of scents to try :)))
Anon
Um, I don’t think I would have reacted the way you’re reacting. That’s all I can say for sure.
Anonymous
Very annoing when these thing happen, but more «deep breaths, moving on» than outrage. :)
If what you want is to have some of this particular perfume (that you didn’t know you wanted), look for the decanting perfume shops online and see if you can get a sampler size from a decanting bottle.
If you want to start fresh, go to a new store, and try new scents, but maybe from the same olfactory family.
And of course – SOMEBODY at the original shop has the authority to sell this last bottle, just not a random store clerk. Maybe try a smiling, pleasant telephone call to customer service. Don’t badtalk clerk, obviously you understand perfectly that she couldn’t overrun the till, that’s natural, but you’d still very much like to ask to reserve and buy this bottle.
Anonymous
Which scent was it?
Anon
Diptique Kyoto. Gorgeous if you like rose.
Anon
YES! I smelled this in a local store about a week ago, and it was lovely. I had no idea it was a limited fragrance.
I think I’d be sad about this and then move along to other beautiful scents. I can understand your annoyance, though!
Anonymous
It’s still in stock at Fenwick and Space NK in the UK, if you know anybody there who’d be willing to shop for you and send it over. It’s also in stock in Norway, and I think I saw a Dutch one.
Anon
Thank you!! I’m waiting to see if Harrod’s actually ships it.
Anon
I don’t know what to do. I found out this week that I have been cheated on in my relationship that ended about a month ago. I was just ready to see him in a group social situation, and I learned they were dating. I am in a horrible state. I haven’t been to work in a week. I’m staying at a friend’s because I have to find new housing (I am the poster of a few days ago – she is my neighbor). I cannot believe someone (two people!) would be so deceitful. Everyone says it will get better as time goes on, but it sucks too bad right now. Please help me.
Anon
Hugs, that sucks. Make an appointment with your doctor to get tested for STIs.
Smokey
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Time does heal and you will get through this, despite how difficult it is for you now. Please know that your friends will not judge you for how your relationship ended, particularly when you were cheated on by a scum bag. So hold your head high and move on with your life.
Anonymous
I hope you can find a way to look at this that does not require you to move. They are the ones who should feel uncomfortable, not you. I endorse any actions you take to flip this and make your neighbor feel uneasy staying in her home given her actions and those of the man she is presumably bringing there. Deep breaths. Head high. You are in the right and I hope you can taunt him with a string of gentleman callers soon.
Anon
Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Celebrate that fact rather than being self-critical about being the one cheated on.