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Updated: Nov 5, 2020 335 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: The All-Day Pant

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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All I want to wear for the remainder of 2020 is pants with an elastic waistband. My Eileen Fisher crepe pants have been a go-to, but this All-Day Pant from Brass looks like it could also be a contender at a lower price point. I really like the relaxed silhouette and anti-wrinkle fabric.

For an office outfit, I would wear these with a short-sleeved sweater and a sweater blazer for a relaxed, but polished look. For a work-from-home day, I’d wear it with one of my favorite, super soft t-shirts.

The pants are $98 and come in sizes XXS–3X with inseams of either 29.5 inches or 33.5 inches. They're also available in navy and fig. The All-Day Pant

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Alcohol Consumption

    Regular posting going anon for this. And maybe a TW- alcoholism
    I think I am veering dangerously close to alcoholism and am seeking advice on getting it under control.
    I have stopped drinking multiple times and for an extended period of time when I was pregnant, but lately I want to exist at a constant mental state of one drink in. Problem is, when you consistently drink, one drink doesn’t cut it anymore and it now takes 4 or so to get the same pleasantly buzzed feeling. I have definitely reached the medical definition of binge drinking on a regular basis lately as I chase that relaxed feeling.
    I think it’s a combination of the general state of the world, some undiagnosed depression/anxiety, and bad habits that formed. I feel like drinking is the easiest and most effective way to get my brain to quiet down.
    I’m sure the answer many will give is “go to therapy”, but that’s not really in the cards right now. What are some things that have helped you control your drinking or break bad habits in general? Since I know I can stop drinking, I’d like to try to get it under control myself first.

    • Anon

      I haven’t had good experiences with therapy, but can you see any kind of doctor? Wellbutrin makes me 100% uninterested in alcohol because there just isn’t a buzz, for example (though I think truly binge drinking on Wellbutrin would carry a risk of seizure, but you said you can quit drinking on your own). And it’s a pretty normal thing to prescribe for depression/anxiety. That’s just my example in answer to the question “what are some things that have helped you.” But the takeaway is more that any doctor could probably help with this. I don’t know if you’re insured, but my insurance company is even waiving copays for telemedicine right now, so it may be easier to get help than you think.

      • Anon

        If you really can’t see a doctor, there are lots of calming OTCs. For example, they make little GABA chews and melts. Some say they don’t really work, and it’s just a placebo effect. But if a calming effect is all that’s needed, then that seems good enough to me. Any major supplement company or Whole Foods type store will have some supplements with things like L-theanine, rhodiola, magnesium, or 5HTP marketed as calming. (But 5HTP really does raise serotonin, so don’t take it if you’re already on an SSRI: you don’t want to raise serotonin and trap it at the same time!)

        • Anon

          (Again, these are all just things I’ve tried personally. I kind of like the L-theanine because it’s the ingredient in tea that makes tea more calming than coffee, despite the caffeine. So now I sometimes take it with coffee if I want more of a “tea like” effect. So I don’t think they’re all just woo, though like I said, placebo effects are welcome in my view.)

      • Anon

        Not OP, but can you please tell me more about your experiences with Wellbutrin and alcohol? I started taking it about a month ago. I’m not a big drinker but I had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner this past week and normally wine makes me sleepy but this time it didn’t. I was thinking it was election anxiety but I wonder now if Wellbutrin is to blame. I enjoy wine and cocktails for the taste but I don’t love some of the mental effects so this could be a huge positive for me.

        • Anon

          That’s more a convo with your doctor. Any medicine can have an unusual effect in someone. Generally Welbutrin increases the chance of seizure in general (a miniscule amount if you do not have a seizure disorder on the order of like a .5% increase in the chance of a seizure), but in particular when drinking alcohol. I’ve found that is makes you less interested in alcohol (and other serotonin boosting activities as well, which is why so many people report losing weight when first starting – serotonin boosting foods like massive amounts of sugar just don’t work that well anymore) but also gets you buzzed much more quickly. I used to be able to socially do 4 drinks and now barely finish one and a half before “feeling” it, which is where I always stop personally.

        • Anonymous

          Same! I hadn’t made this connection in the last month either. But I have been drinking less, and more slowly, and stopping sooner without thinking about it.

        • Anon

          My psychiatrist didn’t really explain the chemistry, but she said that alcohol having less of an effect was totally expected.

          On an intuitive level it kind of makes sense to me since it’s little bit of an upper and raises dopamine, so I guess that would fight sleepiness and preclude much of a buzz?? She said MJ also may not have much of a “high” on Wellbutrin.

          I know Wellbutrion is used for smoking cessation, and it’s one of the two ingredients of “Contrave” where it’s used for overeating. So it definitely has some effects that interfere with the “rewards” of substances and even certain kinds of addiction generally.

        • anon

          Not that OP, but Wellbutrin is dangerous with alcohol. For me, it meant that I got drunk way faster, but didn’t feel drunk until I couldn’t make change for the babysitter, walk straight, and almost threw up multiple times. Woke up super hungover. Very unpleasant. That was 3 drinks (for me). My doctor recommended no alcohol while taking wellbutrin.

          • Anonymous

            My doctor also recommended no or very little alcohol while on Wellbutrin because of the seizure risk.

          • Anon

            Thanks for making this point: Wellbutrin absolutely does not make alcohol safer or less disabling! And the seizure risk is for real. It just changes how it feels (and yes you may drink too much if you’re relying on feelings to moderate). As always, follow your doctor’s advice (my psychiatrist was okay with very light drinking on Wellbutrin, but she knew my drinking habits and general reactions to meds and health history).

          • Anon

            Oh wow, interesting. I very rarely have more than 1 drink, 2 is my absolutely upper limit, and I don’t drive ever (no car), but I’ll be extra extra careful!

          • Anon

            It’s interesting how the medical community can differ on this stuff. Maybe it depends on your dose? My doc said it was fine to continue social drinking but to avoid binge drinking which I generally avoid anyway. She also said of course to test my tolerance in a safe space in a safe way. Like don’t have a drink at a restaurant and then plan to drive home.

          • Anonymous

            Hm I take Wellbutrin (v low dose) and my doctor never mentioned anything about alcohol. And yes she knows I drink.

    • Anokha

      Other than alcohol, is there anything that gives you that relaxed feeling of one drink in?

    • Anon

      Do you live with a spouse or partner? I’d start with getting them on board and removing all alcohol from the house for starters. What time of day do you typically drink and what is your beverage of choice? I’d been drinking wine at night but it was making me feel crappy and now i get cozy with a cup of decaf coffee. Kudos to you for trying to get this under control

    • cbackson

      I don’t know where I read this, but someone once told me that it is more effective, when trying to break bad habits, to tell yourself “I am not a person who _____” rather than “I don’t _____.”. I’ve used this form of self-talk fairly effectively over the years to break habits both big and small – “I am not a person who drinks on weeknights at home,” “I am not a person who eats random treats from the break room,” “I am not a person who leaves her clothes on the closet floor,” etc.

      • Anonymous

        I prefer, “I don’t x” or “I am a person who doesn’t drink on weeknights” … I don’t want to repeat “I am not a person” to myself a bunch of times because I do exist as a person, plus it seems to place judgement on people who do those things.

        • LaurenB

          Well, she’s trying to place judgment on those things because she doesn’t want to do them.

          • Bon

            I am not a person who erroneously thinks they’re savvy for explaining basic concepts to others while missing the point entirely and ending with a smug “you’re welcome.”

        • Anon

          I also like the positive reframing much more. “I’m a person who only drinks on weekends” or “I’m a person who hangs up her clothes every night” sounds much better to me than “I’m not a person who drinks on weeknights/leaves her clothes on the floor.”

      • Senior Attorney

        So, OP, lots of choices here. The idea is sound and you can choose the phrasing that works for you!

    • E

      Virtual AA meeting? Free, could help and if it doesn’t all you’re out is 45 minutes of your time (no cost etc.).

      • Christina

        Please consider AA. For those of us who are compulsive anything, trying on our own will only make us feel worse about ourselves. I so appreciate OPs honesty posting. We’re in a ****ty time and I think we’re all trying to make it livable: I’m overeating (gained 40 lbs) and I see my daughter both overeating and overusing her tech but there will be an end to quarantine and we want to be as healthy as possible.

    • Anonie

      Tell someone you know (and trust to you accountable) in real life today!

      Wishing you well.

      • Anonymous

        Nah, don’t put the burden on someone else to nag you or cause them to feel judgement if they start to monitor the behavior they otherwise wouldn’t. Fine to talk about and get input on, but be careful not to expect them to actively help you with this other than providing an occasional distraction or something.

    • Anon

      If therapy isn’t in the cards but you suspect it’s related to depression/anxiety, check out the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook from Bourne. I found the exercises helpful and interesting to think through, but you have to make it a priority for yourself. Maybe set a timer and force yourself to spend 20 min a night really working through a few pages?

    • anon

      First of all, kudos to you for tackling this. It’s not easy. A few thoughts:
      – Can you substitute your drink with something else that’s pleasant? Not as pleasant as alcohol, but at least enjoyable in some way? Maybe that’s another type of drink, or a book that you read, or whatever. Something that you can begin to associate with calming feelings. This will take awhile to make a difference.
      – Until you treat the depression/anxiety, I’m afraid you will be facing an uphill battle. I would start with your PCP rather than a therapist, honestly. Meds can do wonders to get your baseline under control so the healthier habits (and therapy later, if you wish) are easier to build and will be more effective for the long haul.
      – Depression/anxiety is an issue for me, and I can tell you that hard exercise 3-4 times a week is pretty crucial to keep things under control. Not a walk around the block or yoga … something that makes you sweat, breathe hard, and gets the endorphins going. Again, this is not going to be an instant panacea and may be unpleasant for some time. But truly, exercise is one of my most important tools, in addition to meds.

    • anon

      Creating new evening routines is what helped me. Instead of zoning out in front of the TV with a drink, I found other ways to keep my mind/hands busy: reading, practicing challenging yoga poses, jigsaw puzzles, giving myself manicures, cleaning/reorganizing messy closets or drawers, etc.

      • Saguaro

        +1. Sometimes it is more habit than alcohol abuse to alcoholism, so a distraction is very helpful.

    • Anonymous

      If you refuse to consider therapy even though it’s the best option, make an appointment with your primary care doctor. Say you feel depressed and anxious and you’re drinking too much to cope with it and you need help.

      If you could white knuckle your way through this, you wouldn’t be in this position.

    • Anon

      It’s not as quick a fix as alcohol or medication, but what’s worked for me is incorporating lifestyle hygiene, good sleep, good food, yoga YouTubes, exercise every day, deal with my feelings, cry or vent if I need to, prioritize at work, do things I care about/find fun, etc. basically tackle the stress/anxiety/unhappiness at a lifestyle level

    • Anonymous

      I know you said no therapy but a one time session with a therapist specialized in these issues could start you off on the right foot. Therapy doesn’t have to be an hour a week indefinitely.

      Try removing all the alcohol in your house. Try keeping no alcohol in your house for three weeks. Three weeks is a good time to establish new habits. Figure out what to do with your time – exercise, art/crafting, organizing, hot baths, whatever is calming for you.

      • Anon

        Also if you are saying no therapy for logistical reasons, just want to share that I recently started therapy on video and I find it much more logistically manageable as a single parent with a big job.

    • Anon

      What helped me drink less was essentially giving myself a placebo effect by making fancy mocktails at home (usually fizzy to disguise that it’s very fancy juices and such). It shifts the comfort from the alcohol to the act of making a new concoction and sitting down and enjoying it – not sipping on it as I cleaned or worked. Also there are great companies that make virgin alcohol – literally the same taste as the alcohol without the alcohol content so it’s less of mocktail and more of an alcohol replacement. The company Ritual makes some really good options – honestly other than that “bite” of the alcohol the taste is spot on, the tequila tastes like tequila, whisky tastes like whisky and so on.

      • Anonymous

        Seconding this! If you’re a gin drinker, I also recommend the Seedlip brand too.

    • OP

      To clarify, I am insured and not opposed to medication to treat the anxiety/depression. I recently moved and haven’t picked a pcp in my area which complicates matters slightly. Telehealth is also an option.
      My aversion to therapy is not great previous experiences and desire to avoid frequent sessions from now until the end of time. I know it can take time to find a good therapist, but I prefer to try other routes first.

      • Anonymous

        No these are excuses. You can find a PCP today and get an appointment and be on the path to finding real help.

        • anonymous

          Agree. You need therapy to get to the root cause of why you’re drinking. Start with your PCP. At least try AA. It may be dangerous if you stop drinking cold turkey so work with a doctor on a detox program.

          • Anon

            The “root cause” isn’t always psychological though. Sometimes alcohol is self-medication for the kind of physiological condition that a PCP needs to address. So I definitely agree about starting w/a PCP.

      • Anonymous

        You won’t need sessions until the end of time, but you may in fact need frequent ones if you’re an alcoholic, as this is something you’ll deal with each day.

      • Anonymous

        No one is suggesting that you need to establish a long term therapy relationship to move forward on this issue. But if you google your area and ‘sobriety therapist’ or similar, I’m pretty sure you’ll come up with some providers that offer a one-time ‘kickstart’ session to get the ball moving in the right direction.

      • Erin

        As the child of a clinician, and someone who attended therapy for a panic disorder, the goal of therapy is to give you the tools to continue your life in a productive manner *without* therapy. Lots of people (me included) attend therapy for a short amount of time to work through our issues. I get not wanting to be in therapy if you’ve had bad experiences but something like a group therapy situation might be helpful. I know that some of that’s being done virtually now, even before covid my dad was being asked to do telehealth appointments and virtual counseling.

    • Anonymous

      Kudos for wanting to change your habits and better support your health. I really relate to your thoughts about relaxation. When I started tracking my sleep through my watch, I was startled to see that alcohol increases your resting heart rate and prevents you from sleeping soundly. Even one drink is enough to be disruptive. If I go to bed tipsy, the heart rate chart is basically a representation of my body metabolizing alcohol – it stays high for an hour or so and gradually dips down to normal. This data fundamentally changed my view of alcohol; it’s a fun party thing not a wind down thing. If I want to relax then I need like a tea and a bath, not a glass (or three) of wine.

      • Anon

        This is so true; the HR effect also lasted a lot longer than I expected. And sleeping poorly obviously was worse for anxiety, like a vicious cycle.

    • Anon

      This was me a year and a half ago. r/stopdrinking made a huge difference for me. I rarely posted, but just reading that other people were going through the same thing – imperfectly – was just what I needed. I also took as long as I needed to drink all the sodas and eat all the pizza/ice cream/Whataburger at night when I would have otherwise been into my IPAs. Do you know when/what your triggers are? For me, it was the drive home and/or winding down after work. I also tend to really crave booze on the couple of days before my period starts. Being aware of your triggers so you can be proactive about heading them off is helpful.
      Go easy on yourself. I was drinking about what you were and did have some jitters for a few weeks.
      You got this!

      • Anon

        Also, I started it as a “sober semester” so that I could focus on my class work… or at least that was my story if anyone asked why I wasn’t drinking. Since I did most of my drinking at home and live by myself, only the recycle man had an inkling of how much I was really putting away.

    • Lori

      I quit drinking four years ago for reasons similar to yours, and I did it by basically convincing myself that drinking was actually holding me back from the things I wanted by keeping me numb and emotionally disconnected, and I didn’t want to live my life like that. (That’s the simplistic explanation, but in a nutshell.) The fact is, alcohol perpetuates anxiety – it changes the neurotransmitters in the brain, disrupts sleep (even if you don’t realize), affects insulin production, etc. Once I saw it for what it was, the appeal was much less. As for you, I can recommend a few books that take a similar stance, some of which also point out how alcohol is overwhelmingly marketed to women, which I found enlightening. Holly Whitaker – Quit Like A Woman. She references Allan Carr’s book a lot – Easy Way to Control Alcohol. Laura McKowen – We are the Luckiest: the surprising magic of a sober life. Ann Towsett Johnson – Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol. I will say that I was also in therapy my first year of sobriety. Not for the sobriety, per se, but it sure helped to work through all the emotions I suddenly was not numbing away. Good luck!

    • CPA Lady

      Okay, so this was me. I stopped drinking about two and a half years ago before anything bad happened consequences wise, because I literally could not make myself drink normally (defined here as maybe a couple times a week and not think about it in between). I tried to make myself “moderate” and drink normally for the better part of a decade. Even small amounts of alcohol made me feel crazy. I wasn’t some kind of getting black out, out of control, severe rock bottom alcoholic. I was a “gray area” drinker and I quit right when I was starting to get really scared about how out of control I was feeling. I drank a few glasses of wine every single day and always when I said “I’ll take the day off” or “I’ll only drink every other day” it never worked as a permanent change. I could always come up with a reason to drink. I could make myself adhere to “rules” for a while, but I would always revert back to the same level eventually.

      The thing that helped me the most at first was reading “This N@ked Mind” by annie grace. It’s very scientifically based and she talks about looking for that one drink in feeling. She goes over the brain chemistry changes (additional anxiety is actually caused by your body metabolizing alcohol– it’s like a very mild form of withdrawal, which is why you are likely waking up at 3 am bathed in sweat with a dry mouth feeling like your heart is going to beat out of your chest). It’s why “hangxiety” is a thing. She also talks about all the societal reasons why we drink. It was such a good starting point. My burner email is cpalady1234 at g mail if you want to email about it.

      I have, since I quit, developed healthy coping mechanisms. When I’m feeling anxious and spirally, I take hot baths, I go on long fast walks, I listen to soothing music. But I could not make room for that stuff as long as I was using alcohol. I’m also a lot less anxious than I was when I was drinking. It’s like a medicine that causes the symptom you think it’s treating.

      • Anonymous

        I’m the anon above who posted about heart rate/sleep tracking – your last sentence is spot on. We get all this social messaging about alcohol, it was eye opening to realize that messaging is totally off base. It took some time to shift my thinking from “I’m stressed so I want a drink to help me relax” to “I’m stressed so I shouldn’t drink rn because it will make it harder to relax.”

      • Anon

        This was my ex-husband for a few years. Then he got worse, and I eventually left him. There were so many issues, but his absolute denial about the drinking and refusal to address it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I spent years crying and begging him to get help while he denied it was a problem.

        • Another anon

          I had exactly the same experience with my ex-husband.
          Echoing those above who point out that the alcohol can cause the depression.

      • CPA Lady

        A couple of other random thoughts:

        – a big part of “recovery” and why it’s a thing, is that you have to create a life you don’t want to have to escape from. Whether that means developing new hobbies, getting friends who aren’t toxic, working on healthy boundaries, it’s a process that takes time. That’s why its so hard.

        – the reason why the AA people say “one day at a time” is because it is astronomically overwhelming to to think about “never drinking again” when you’re so used to using it to numb out. Don’t think about “never drinking again”. All you have to focus on is today. Just don’t drink today. Two and a half years in, I’m pretty comfortable saying I hope I never drink again, but it’s still kind of overwhelming for me, as a concept.

        – keeping a journal really helped me at first. It’s nice to be able to look back on it and see how far I’ve come.

      • OP

        Thank you for your response. Your first paragraph is a good description of where I am now. I don’t blackout, vomit, get DUIs, etc but I am still overconsuming to cover the anxiety. I wonder if I can ever be a moderate social drinker again, but the idea of never having a drink again seems crazy. Perhaps that is enough evidence that I should go full sober. There’s a lot of shame mixed in with the other feelings today.

        • Anonymous

          You’re doing a really hard and really great thing just by asking the questions!

        • CPA Lady

          Yeah, it’s not a fun place to be. Drinking stopped being fun. It was more stressful than anything else.

          The thing that really caught my attention when I was “sober-curious” as they call it, is something I read about how if alcohol abuse and addiction is a disease, why is it the only one we wait until it’s at it’s worst point to begin treating? If you found out you had stage 1 cancer would you wait til it was stage 3 or 4 to begin treating it? No. Why not do the same for problematic drinking? That really gave me the push I needed to give sobriety a go, even though I had faced no external consequences. It was actually a relief.

          And like I said before, do not focus on the “forever” part. That is way, way too overwhelming.

          • Anonymous

            Your comparison to cancer is really good. I’m going to file this away for my problem drinker friends.

          • anon

            CPA Lady, this is wise advice and applicable to many situations. OP, I commented above, but I want to commend you again for asking the hard questions and addressing what’s causing you pain. That takes strength.

    • anonforthis

      Regular poster going anon for this as well… I could have written this post. Thanks for sharing – you certainly aren’t alone, and I’m wishing you all the best.

      • Patty

        I’m in probably the exact same boat. I can easily finish an entire bottle of wine in an evening. Though when I do i feel gross the next day – so my latest habit is basically drinking every other night…not good.

        I have tried countless “rules” such as only on weekend, only 2-3 drinks per day etc and nothing really sticks.

        It also affects my diet as I feel I crave carbs the next day and my weight has increased.

        I feel powerless and don’t “want” to completely stop drinking but I’d like to get it under control.

        A lot of shame there for sure.
        Btw – I’m 45 and went the first 35 years of my life barely drinking at all….

    • Anon

      For me, I realized the relaxed feeling was what I craved far more than the social / ritual of making and having a drink. I’m in a state where MJ is legal and I found low dose THC gummies the perfect solution to chill out / zone out in the evening. Now, I’m not saying you should swap one vice for another of course. But while you are getting things figured out, this could be an in-between solution for you if your problems are hangovers, upset stomach from too much alcohol, disturbed sleeping, unwanted calories, etc. For me, low dose THC is the same effect as taking a low dose of xanax without the morning grogginess. I prefer it so much to alcohol because I feel absolutely normal the next morning. If anything, I think I wake up peppier because I sleep more soundly (confirmed by my fit bit sleep app.) I also personally think there are less concerning side effects than some of the prescribed meds. I still take a daily anti-depressant but I feel (have not confirmed with the doc) that the low dose gummy is safer than the xanax I’m also rx’d and way better for my body than alcohol.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 100% in the same boat. Some things I’ve found helpful:
      – the Take a Break program by Rachel Hart – pair lots of thought work with a break from drinking
      – identify the way I want to feel when I drink (take the edge off, relaxed, “like the old me”) and LOUDLY tell myself if other activities make me feel that way. Every single time during/after I do a yoga session now I tell myself how good/relaxed/less tense I feel. Walks with music make me so happy. Ending the night with tea helps me sleep. I’m so glad I went to bed early last night, I feel so rested. Label the good feelings other activities bring you — put words to them and repeat the words. Often.
      – Listen to your liver more than your habits – don’t drink if you have the slightest icky feeling in your belly, even if it’s Saturday night.
      – I found this to be helpful (and the update) – http://amidprivilege.com/2013/01/learned-drink-saturday-morning-1057am/

      Good luck to you. I pulled a lot of good sobriety quotes from Pinterest, including
      “it’s OK to grieve your old drinking self,”
      “If one is never enough, have none.”
      “Drinking alcohol is like pouring gasoline on your anxiety.”
      “It’s a beautiful day to be sober.”
      “The truth is, you don’t change a bad habit — you create a new one.”

    • Anonymous

      Hi I’m a PCP that lurks here a lot (mostly here for the fashion discussions) and taking a break from telehealth to comment. You say you’re veering dangerously close to alcoholism- I think you almost certainly would meet the criteria for at least mild alcohol use disorder (medical term for alcoholism) just based on what you’ve written here. There are lots of great recommendations here.One of the things I would highlight is that alcohol is known to actually increase anxiety and depression and it can be very hard to address those problems with other medications i.e. ssris if the alcohol continues – if you stop and still feeling that way, a medication can often be very useful. Naltrexone is a medication that helps reduce cravings to drink and is pretty effective (probably best med out there we have – also given as a monthly injection – Vivitrol). But, sounds like you don’t have a doctor yet. There are a ton of online groups/meetings happening now – not just AA but other groups like Smart Recovery.

    • Anon

      Aidan Donnelly Rowley has written a lot about her decision to stop drinking on her blog. She actually had a podcast about it too that might be helpful called “Editing Our Drinking” – I don’t know that they record it anymore but the episodes should still hold up from my memory. Her story sounds very similar- just kind of gray area “I feel like I drink too much” things but not like a DUI or any lightning bolt moment.

      I stopped drinking entirely a few years ago when I realized drinking was making me snippy and irritable and not, in fact, charming and delightful like I wished it would.

    • anonyK

      Late response, but my husband, who has always been a bit of a “problem drinker,” had to quit drinking for a year a while back for other reasons not actually related to alcohol- the backstory is long and not really relevant to your situation. My husband was having like 2 beers a night, sometimes 3, to relax after work pretty regularly. He’s also the kind of person who would regularly get drunker than he intended at big parties/weddings etc. Going a year without drinking made a big difference for him because it forced him to learn other ways to destress and also learn to say no in social situations and enjoy parties without it. So, I would recommend committing to not drinking at all for a year. And use that time to figure out other coping skills/rituals. If you can’t stop drinking or you can’t handle your anxiety in any other way, then seek medical help. My husband does drink again now, but MUCH less than he used to- definitely not daily.

    • Anon Regular

      Hey,
      So I know you say therapy isn’t in the cards right now, but even remote therapy can be helpful. There was a sobriety app where you were paired with a wellness coach when I was trying to cut back, but I didn’t try it long enough to comment on the efficacy.

      Ultimately, we both have to address the unhappiness/boredom that makes us want to drink, but changing your life is super duper hard in pandemic times. In the meantime better coping mechanisms should help us.

    • Anna

      I’ve heard great things about One Year No Beer. They have challenges as short as 30 days you can start with, and a really great online community.

  2. Ellen

    Elizabeth, I love these pants from Eileen Fisher, and thank God they are not flair pants. I can wear these either with my Nike’s or with pumps! Very versatile and a bargan at $98! Great pick!

    And what a difference a day makes! Dad told me that the hive was way to quick to judge the election and to be snipping at each other. He thinks we should chil and wait! Dad also wants all the balots to be counted b/c he is hopeful that the new tax plan Biden comes up with will restore the full State and Local deductions. He says he was getting eaten alive b/c he could only deduct $10K of State and Local Taxes from his IRS return and he says I am also effected. Since he takes care of my returns I did not know this, but if it is going to be changed, I say YAY!!!! This gives us taxpayers some benefit from Biden also! Yay Biden!

    So

  3. Anon100

    Hiking shoes recs anyone? Mostly for day hikes in the DC area – Frederick County in MD, Shenandoah, and the like. My friend has a pair of Merrells but she does much hardercore hiking out in the Rockies as well, so I don’t know if the Merrells are good for me or for more technical hikes.

    • Cb

      I have Merrell trail runners for normal walks and hikes and proper Merrell hiking shoes for longer walks which are likely to be muddy and slippery.

    • Anonymous

      I have triangular feet and they like Keens because they have a wide toe box. I like having something waterproof as there is lots of dew in hot months and wetness esp after a rain on the east coast. You can get something more casual and shoe like.

      • Anon

        Love my Keen Terradoras. That’s their more sneaker-like option. It comes in a high-top boot version and a low-top shoe option. They offer a bit more heft than a trail runner but not as much as hiking shoes.

      • Anon

        +1 I have the same feet and use my high top Keen boots for hiking for rocky/wet/long hikes and low top Altra trail runners for light/dry/fast hikes.

    • NY CPA

      I have Merrell Moabs, and I’m a very infrequent hiker, definitely not technical hikes. I like them and find them comfortable. I like that they’re not “boots” but more sneaker-style, and therefore I don’t get blisters on my ankles from them.

    • Anon

      Whatever is most comfortable for your foot. There are lots of options, but I like Keens because my toes are wide. There are lots of other popular brands like Oboz and Ahnu, etc. I would also buy waterproof/Goretex if you will use them for life – you will eventually want to hike when the ground is wet.

    • Nudibranch

      Serioulsy, don’t just buy a brand if you’re not a satisfied repeat customer–everyone’s feet are different. Go to REI and get the shoe experts to help you. Try on everything they recommend–all the brands. You will notice a big difference in how they feel on you. I found I needed to buy 2 sizes bigger than I normally wear in street sizing–the shoe fitter actually recommended 3 sizes bigger, but I chickened out. I wore the best fitting pair (a brand I’d never heard of before) immediately on a 12 mile hike and loved them–and still do many miles later. I prefer trail runners, but YMMV of course.

  4. Alice

    Any suggestions in DC for where to get a Covid test? Where I could get the results back within a day or so?

    • j

      I’ve had good luck at the Walgreens on 1401 Rhode Island Ave, NE. It has taken about 2 days, not 1, but it’s free, easy and fast to do from your car. If you have One Medical, their testing came back in a day (but presumably, if you did have OM, you’d go directly to them).

      • Flats Only

        I noticed on their website that One Medical is also offering tests to non members, so it doesn’t hurt to call them and ask about arrangements. They have several locations downtown.

    • CapHillAnon

      DC has free testing sites all over the city, including at many of the fire stations. My family of five used the city’s drive-through testing site on MLK in Anacostia a few weeks ago: it took 10 minutes total, was free, and we got our results back in 27 hours. It’s remarkably efficient. It goes faster if you pre-register ahead of time. My understanding is the it is open to DC residents and to first responders resident in other states.

    • Carrots

      Not DC proper, but I went to Preston’s Pharmacy in Arlington and had my test back within a day, though they were say 3-5 days (which my friend who also went through for her test got it back in).

  5. Anonymous

    I had a blind date yesterday and wanted to say thanks for the support and ideas on what to talk about (other than politics!). He seemed cute and kind, maybe a little quiet/shy. We’re going to go out again next week.

  6. Anon

    I’m thinking back to the poster who was mad that the guy she’s dating was going to vote for Jo. For weeks/months people here have been saying that a vote for any other party is a vote for Trump, but it’s possible that Jo may save us from Trump in some of these swing states. The vast majority of Libertarian votes are an alternative to a republican vote. Still DTMFA?

    • Anon

      Wait a minute. Given your logic, the guy was choosing between Trump and Jorgenson, not Biden and Jorgenson, so that doesn’t imply he was a prize in the first place.

    • Anonymous

      So she should just ignore that he was gaslighting her by talking about voting for ‘Jo(e)’ and then acting surprised when she mistook that as Biden not Jorgensen?

      Politics aside, she deserves someone capable of open, honest, proactive communication. That’s a pretty low bar for any dude climb over.

    • Anonymous

      I am surprised that people share who they are voting for. I have always thought that is information that is private, and you keep it to yourself. My husband and I discuss politics and candidates, and that’s enough, I don’t need to judge him on what “lever he pulls.”

      Also don’t care for this idea that a vote for so and so is a vote for someone else. It’s factually not. It’s a vote for a person that is on the ballot. Seems everyone would be much better off if candidates gave us good reasons to choose them rather than trying to guilt people into doing what you want them to.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know what you mean. Is it that anyone who doesn’t agree with you is a Trump voter, and therefore one of the deplorables?

          • Anon

            I will say that I view anyone who could vote for trump after the last four years is deplorable to me, and certainly not someone I would ever be in a relationship with.

            However this is kind of a pot stirring thing because the dating situation the original question was about was not about whether the guy voted third party. It was about the guy intentionally misleading and gaslighting the OP in that post. They weren’t married. They were somewhat newly dating. That would be enough of a red flag for just about any person to not continue dating, regardless of politics.

      • Anon

        I cannot imagine not knowing who my spouse is voting for. All of my close friends share this information. For local candidates, my friends and I discuss and debate issues and candidates fairly extensively. For national races, we all generally vote democrat so we mostly just co-miserate.

      • Anon

        It’s super weird that you don’t know who your spouse is voting for. That definitely sounds like the sort of relationship where you love each other but aren’t friends. For a lot of us, who you vote for is indicative of where your moral compass lies. Your life partner should be nearly perfectly aligned with you morally and ethically or else it just doesn’t work.
        And before you come for me with the “how you vote shouldn’t determine who you’re with”, that can obviously be true. But this is a special case. If you vote for a different school board member than me, or a Governor that is say way more pro business than I’d like or something but otherwise not evil is fine and a totally different ball game than the current yahoo in the white house who personally is a crap person (cheating on every single wife, losing other people’s fortunes, the racism, the narcissism, the allyship with criminals and U.S. enemies, and so much more). If someone I was dating looked at that and said “yep that’s okay” I couldn’t look at them with any sort of respect.

        • Anon

          I am having a hard time respecting Biden voters too though. Like, I understand, we had to vote for “not Trump,” but Biden was also such a terrible mismatch for my values that I don’t want to dwell on it or celebrate it. It’s something to be ashamed of that both our candidates were so flawed and that we’re stuck choosing between the two of them. So I guess that’s why I don’t want to talk about much it with people I know.

          • Anonymous

            I mean there’s not talking about it much with people you know and then there’s
            not knowing how your husband votes. NY Times had an interesting article yesterday about how men overestimate how often their wives vote Republican. and women underestimate how often their husbands vote Republican.

          • Anon

            I’m not a fan of Biden, but I’m not worried that he will start a nuclear war over Twitter or refuse to step down at the end of his term if he loses an election. At this point, these have become my standards.

          • Anonymous

            This election wasn’t about a great match for your values. It’s about having a President that is okay with democracy and not actively trying to undermine it. 45 is legit out there trying to stop vote counts in places he is ahead and keep them going in places where he is losing. That’s some pretty undemocractic $hit.

        • Anonymous

          I find it super weird that not only do you know who your spouse is voting for, but you think you are qualified to judge other people and their relationships based solely on who they vote for. You’re not even confident in your own argument, as you subsequently qualify it as it’s OK to vote for different governors, it’s just not OK to vote for President Trump. Your governor and your school board members have far more impact on the lives of you and your community than the President does, so those choices are important.

          There is a very important message Democrats need to learn from this election, where they will be lucky to eke out a Presidential win and have astonishingly lost seats in the house. That message is Democrats need to take a long hard look at why people don’t vote for them. They can continue to wallow in how horrible President Trump is (in my view, he is unfit for office) and how horrible anyone who voted for Trump is, or they can internalize that Democrats lose elections because people simply don’t choose them.

          • Anon

            The Democrats will just blame the leftists/progressives/Bernie bros again. We’ve been here before.

          • Anon

            I think the point she was trying to make were two things. The spouse thing and not knowing how they vote, but also that you can vote differently when the disagreement is on policies, not essentially in favor of a horrible horrible man. The level of office is irrelevant and in general the lower the office, the more concrete the considerations for them are, so it makes more sense to vote differently in lower office when it is more policy v. policy versus guiding the nation in one direction or another as a whole. Also, you seem butt hurt over her relationship comment which, though fair to say was unnecessary, you might want to look into why it irked you so much, applicable much?

            I don’t know what you’re addressing with your second paragraph, kinda feels like you want to rant but, wtv.

        • Anonymous

          Ever hear the term “secret ballot?” It’s actually considered quite rude to ask people how they voted.

          • Anonymous

            I mean it’s also kinda rude to ask people how much they make but I seriously doubt she doesn’t know her husband’s salary. We’re not talking about strangers on the subway.

          • Anon

            Not your spouse. If you keep that secret it’s incredibly weird. You’d have to question why they don’t feel comfy telling you.

          • Anon

            But not your spouse! That level of secrecy about anything is honestly quite unhealthy in a marriage.

          • Anon

            It may tell you something about who you voted for that you aren’t proud to share it.

          • Anon

            Yes, it does tell me something about who I voted for that I’m ashamed and not proud. Why couldn’t we have had better candidates, America?

      • Anonymous

        I mean, people have a right to decide what’s important to them in a relationship. As someone said the other day, you’re not running a charity.

      • Anon

        That seems very weird to me. My husband and I talk politics all the time and very much influence each other in voting. There is not one person who tells the other person who to vote for. We sometimes disagree. But more often than not we are on the same page. I mean, that’s why we match well enough to be married!

        This is not just the top of the ticket (though in the primaries he was more for Klobuchar while I was for Biden for practical reasons, though I do like Klobuchar a lot) but also on other races like local office and ballot propositions. I’m a tad more political than he is, for instance I volunteered for the Hillary campaign in 2016 and he didn’t, but we are equally committed to being informed, responsible voters.

      • Anonymous

        My marriage is based on having a shared moral and ethical foundation. Voting is included in those shared values so yeah I know exactly who my husband votes for and he knows who I vote for.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        It’s private like financial information or religious beliefs in the sense that most polite people won’t ask unless they certain they’re in a similar situation/ have similar beliefs or are very close to you, and you’re definitely under no obligation to share. But lots of people *do* talk about these things, and they *definitely* discuss it with their spouse! I’d say you’re an extreme outlier in not sharing that info with your spouse.

    • Lilau

      I think the issue was that he misled/ arguably lied to her. I’m not sure the hive would have been so harsh had he been straightforward.

    • Monday

      He deliberately misled her, claiming that he had said “I’m voting for Jo” and she had just mis-heard it as “Joe.” If he’d been straightforward with her, then it would have been an issue about voting choices. This was just gaslighting.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, dump. Particularly because he was initially deliberately misleading her about voting for “ Jo/e” Biden.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been thinking of a similar thing. I think many Libertarian votes are because they would vote for the Republican candidate, but couldn’t stomach voting for Trump. Yes if Biden had received those votes he’d be even more ahead in several swing states, but they weren’t votes for Trump and that’s making a difference.
      I voted Libertarian in 2016, in a non-swing state FWIW, and my logic was similar (I voted Biden this time but purely to stick it to Trump and because he’s fairly centrist).

    • anon

      The boyfriend was being deliberately misleading, knowing this was important to the OP. That’s way more of a dealbreaker than his choice of candidate.

    • Anonymous

      Yup for me it 100% is a deal breaker. The options aren’t just Trump or Jo. Anyone considering Trump an option is a no from me and anyone not voting for Biden is a no. We get to have standards in people we let into our vaginas!

    • Anonymous

      That was me! I really appreciate the feedback here. I talked to him after I had a chance to think. He said he thought we had talked about voting third party. We had, but I took the conversation to be kind of abstract, like the two party system is no good and we should have more parties. Apparently he took it as a tacit approval of voting third party in this presidential election. I told him I would not have a problem if he wanted to vote third party when someone like McCain is on the other side. I have a big problem with not voting out the current incumbent.

      He thought a vote for Jo was a rejection of Trump – if you don’t vote for him then you aren’t supporting him, right? I explained that withholding support is not the same as fighting back. That’s like saying you watch a man stabbing a woman on the street, but you didn’t help him stab her so you’re all good! There is only one person who can beat Trump so we need to support him even if we would prefer a different candidate.

      I think this issue was exacerbated by BF’s conservative bubble. He’s from a very right wing rural area. He’s in a very right wing job. His coworkers are all voting Jo because they hate Trump but won’t vote blue because the dems are gonna takeourguns and turn the country socialist and whatever. For a lot of these people, not voting R was a very big deal, so I think BF’s bubble was supporting this notion that you’re not supporting trump as long as you’re not voting for him. After we talked, BF did his own research and after some more reflection decided to vote Biden!

      • Anonymous

        Love this ending! Good for you for having a conversation about it with him.

      • Anon

        I wondered if it really was a miscommunication in part! Thanks for the update. I have personally cast protest votes before when I really believed it wouldn’t change the outcome of an election, so I kind of see that reasoning.

        • Anonymous

          Agree. Knowing that he is surrounded by Trumpers at work and in his personal life, it makes a bit more sense that he could have thought that Jo was a legit reference to Jorgensen because no one else he knows is voting Biden so ‘of course’ Jo means Jorgensen.

  7. Transplants

    Anyone out there have a story to share about kids and transplants? My child was recently evaluated for a liver transplant and it would be nice to hear from any parents who have experience with this process.

    • Anon

      no personal experience but hugs to you and your family. I have an adult family member who had a heart transplant in 2009 and 11+ years later is as healthy as a horse

    • Emma

      Hugs. My cousin had a liver transplant at 18. Not to be a bummer, but he had to wait until things got pretty bad to be bumped up on the transfer list, so I’m hoping that won’t happen to you or that you can go through a private match (we tried but weren’t a match). The surgery and aftermath were a bit tricky but it’s been almost 10 years and he is extremely healthy with virtually no side effects.

    • Annony

      Oh my goodness! Many hugs from this internet stranger. Your child’s doctor may have some recommendations for parent groups who can speak directly to the experience.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry. A family member (not a child) had a liver transplant 5 years ago and has done very well with it since.

    • SF in House

      My former boss donated part of his liver to his daughter. It saved her life. They had to be careful for years to avoid germs because she remained immunocompromised. Fast forward 12 years and she went away to college and is overall doing great.

  8. Anon

    Has anyone tried buying from Weavers of Ireland? A gorgeous tweed jacket keeps popping up in my ads. Wondering about quality and sizing.

    • Anon

      No but I see the same ads and hope you will post if you do get it, because I’m curious too!

    • Anon

      Yes, I tried to reply yesterday and today on Cmoms, and both times the comments have disappeared.

    • Anonymous

      Whenever I try to comment I get the message “BlogVault Firewall Blocked Because of Malicious Activities.” I sometimes get the same message when I click the link to the daily post. This happens in Firefox and on my iPad and iPhone.

  10. No

    I need inspiration for a bedroom makeover. But all the fancy decor blogs do things like leaving out window treatments or the tv to get better pictures. Or only show like the corner of the room with the bed and not the rest of the room. Any suggestions for a blog or s!te with more realistic or 360degree rooms to browse?

    • Anonymous

      I go to the fancy zip code in my city and look at real estate listings on Zillow. Personally I like shutters since I can leave the top open for light. If I get some $ I would have floor length curtains over my shutters but that can be a lot of money and just get her dust if not maintained. Shutters are easy to dust witt a swifter duster.

      • Anon

        +1 I am allergic to dust so I don’t have curtains on most of my windows. I like wide slat blinds for this reason.

        • Pompom

          +1

          Also, it’s just a different aesthetic. I don’t have “window treatments” on most of my windows, aside from very minimal shades/blinds that are usually up.

      • Anon

        I LOVE walking through those staged rooms at IKEA. All of those imaginary people have such organized and matching lives. I also like how they show ways to have everything you need in very small spaces.

        Of course, I haven’t been to IKEA since before March….

    • Anon

      I struggled with this when redoing my kids bedrooms. So many on blogs or Pinterest are unrealistic to actually live in. In the BeforeTimes I would have just scoped out their friends’ rooms but weirdly a friend of mine suggested TikTok. Find someone who isn’t a super famous influencer (follow the millennial tags if you’re looking for adults) and flip through their account – usually they’ll record something in their bedroom in a few different angles and you can piece together what their room looks like or find inspiration on various items.

    • anon a mouse

      I really like Houzz for this. It can be kind of a hassle to get started but it’s easy to create private boards to save inspiration pics.

    • Anonymous

      Hahahahaha the tv? I forget people have TVs in the bedroom. I don’t think they’re necessarily leaving it out for better pictures! They might just not have one!

        • Vicky Austin

          Team no TVs in the bedroom, but I don’t think OP was saying everyone secretly has one.

        • anne-on

          Same, I had one in my bedroom as a teenager so that we didn’t all fight over what to watch, but as an adult I’ve been firmly no TVs in bedrooms, period.

      • Anon

        I have a TV in my bedroom. This is because I have a grand piano in the living room. It works for us.

    • Anon

      I saw a great blog post one time (sorry, don’t remember the blog name) by a blogger who had had her home photographed for Better Homes and Gardens. She showed before-and-after pictures of what they had to do to get rooms ready for the shoot, and it was pretty amazing. Her house was very attractive and well-designed, but in the “before” pictures there were still things like visible cords, her husband’s CPAP machine on the nightstand, bookcases that were more full than the “after” pictures showed, etc. Since then I look at shelter magazine/blog pictures differently and realize they have 100% been staged for the photo; no one’s real, lived-in house actually looks like the pictures. Which was the blogger’s point – even her home does not look like the magazine pictures of her home, because in real life she and her husband and kids actually live there.

      • Anonymous

        Do you remember where the home was? I’d be interested in seeing that and maybe if you remember the location, I could find it online.

      • Anon

        Plus, the homes that make it on shelter blogs are going to be the ones that are different or more unusually refined, for lack of a better word. There’s a built in selection bias before you even get to the staging part.

      • anon

        Right? When ever I look at design blogs, etc. I always try to get myself back down to earth by imagining how I would actually live in that house or with such and such piece of furniture. Like, sure, that marble-topped dresser looks glorious but where is this chick’s collection of 28 lip balms and giant bottle of lotion? In her beautiful bathroom with her pedestal sink, where is her electric tooth brush? If I spent x dollars on a desk, would it actually look good when it’s covered in papers? A stack of vintage suitcases as a night stand is cute and all but what I really need is a giant, easily accessible drawer for my retainer, vitamins, and random cords and miscellaneous crap. A small bunch of hydrangeas and a glass of water is not a sustainable “table scape” for a real bedroom.

        • Eliza

          A medicine cabinet helps, if you can do it. We have one for each of us and 4 years on from our bathroom renovation, it’s still so satisfying to walk into the room and see zero clutter.

          • anne-on

            One of the things we did in our master bath reno was have our contractor install outlets inside the vanities on both sides. So now we can do things like charge toothbrushes/straightening irons behind closed vanity doors. It is SO nice to be able to banish that visual clutter.

        • Senior Attorney

          And for the bedside table, it’s amazing how much it helps to just put all the miscellaneous tabletop junk on a pretty (or manly, for his side of the bed) tray.

          • Anon

            +1. I have a lot of skincare stuff on a mirrored tray at my bedside and it actually looks quite pretty.

        • Anon

          I designed that stuff out of my home. My vanity has very long, shallow drawers for all of my lip balm and my bathroom has two recessed floor to ceiling cabinets with outlets for my toothbrush. My plugs are all carefully managed and taped along the baseboard/nightstand with cord organizers. I hate the visual mess.

    • Anonymous

      DH and I genuinely don’t have a TV in the bedroom, so I would probably be inclined to believe these people live a similar lifestyle and not that they’re hiding the TV.

    • anon8

      Maybe check out house tours on YouTube. Some of the cleaning and lifestyle channels I follow do house tours and show the whole room.

  11. Anon

    Does anyone have experience with BetterHelp online therapy? My friend has asked if I know anything about it and I don’t, but I want to help her get into therapy. I have heard that there are some good online options these days but is this company one of them? Any other recommendations?

    • Vicky Austin

      I just finished a year with BetterHelp and was very impressed. I loved my counselor and didn’t need to switch, but had to ask customer service about a few other things and they were always very helpful and responsive. My counselor had to have surgery at one point and they adjusted my billing so I didn’t owe for the time that she was off recovering. Being able to message my counselor anytime was so helpful and easy for me, so I’d recommend it on that basis alone. Happy to answer any more questions!

    • Anonymous

      Late post but in case you’re still reading, I’m using better help right now and like it a lot. I clicked really well with the first therapist I worked with. She’s helping me process election related anxiety this week!

  12. Anon

    Sorry if this double post but my last attempt went through before I was finished. I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with online therapy through BetterHelp. A friend is asking and I have heard that there are some good online therapy options these days but I don’t know if that is one of them. Any tips appreciated.

  13. anon

    This is embarrassing to the point I can’t believe I’m posting this, even anonymously, but whatever. Here goes. I seem to have a problem with, um, crotch sweat. It’s not really vag discharge, from what I can tell. It is pungent and I want to make it go away. Any thoughts? I can barely stand wearing workout pants and leggings because they trap the moisture and smell. Is this just one of those weird things that your body does when you get older? Because I hate it and feel very unclean.

    • Z

      Cotton underwear and cotton pants. Polyester workout pants don’t breathe at all.

      • Anon

        Try more breathable materials and change directly after sweating a lot down there. But honestly sweaty groin should be stinky sweaty but not pungent – maybe go see a doctor to rule out BV or something else.

    • Anon

      I just put antiperspirant in my the crease between my legs and my crotch and on my chub rub. Some people would say that’s bad due to the aluminum, but I can’t stand it either so it is what it is.

    • Pep

      Try Lume in your crotch area. (It is available on their site, or Amazon) It won’t do anything for the sweating, but it WILL greatly reduce odor. I apply it after showering, on dry skin before putting on my underwear. I use the “unscented” version, but that does have a very slightly unpleasant (to me) odor, but it rapidly dissipates upon application. There are many scented version, though, which might appeal.

    • Anon

      This can be the only symptom of BV, so it may be worth trying one of those “women’s” probiotics?

    • Anon

      This used to happen to me mostly on long plane trips (all that sitting in a tight space), but it seems to happen more frequently now that I am older. I recommend wearing shorts to work out to the extent possible and letting things air out overnight. I also keep things trimmed and that helps.

    • DoesntBelongHere

      I hate it too. One thing that has helped is wearing looser pants or skirts/dresses instead of jeans, leggings, and other tight stuff. And carrying some wipes I can use to freshen up. The ones I got were EO “natural deodorant wipes lavender” and they’re very cooling. Also technical fabrics where possible, like ExOfficio underwear.

      • Anon

        Counterpoint, the ExOfficios I had made the smell so much worse!! I do better with cotton underwear for day to day and wool for hard exercise in cold weather.

        • DoesntBelongHere

          Ah you’re right I guess I was thinking more about the sweat than the smell. Any favorite cotton and/or wool undies?

          • Anon

            I have cotton underwear from Gap and wool underwear from Icebreaker – I think it’s the Siren hipkini model. Really pleased with them!

    • Anon

      Hi there! You are not alone. I tend to have a similar problem, particularly related to stress and anxiety. WFH has been great because I can change my underwear throughout the day. When I saw a doc for this, they recommended using such measures to stay “dry” but if it became unbearable there were medical treatments, including injections, to stop the sweat glands.

      Try to keep track of things that make it better or worse. Certain fabrics might be worse. I know caffeine absolutely makes it worse for me.

      During WFH, another thing I started doing is showering at lunch instead of in the AM or PM. That way I can get rid of any morning sweat and start the afternoon clean. I usually don’t wake up sweaty so I don’t feel the need for a shower as much as I do midday. Obviously I can’t do that when I return to work.

      If you are visibly sweating through your clothes, I’d jump right to the medical interventions. Mine was just to the point of making my underwear uncomfortably damp, not sweating all the way through pants and dresses.

      • Anon

        I wanted to add – and this is super weird – but my doc gave me some feedback on the various smells. I don’t remember the specifics now but x smell would be normal from sweat, y smell would be a sign of an infection, etc. So…. I got in the habit of giving my underwear a quick sniff before tossing in the laundry (if it was particularly sweaty) to make sure it was the “ok” scent. Basically, if it is just a stronger version of your normal down there aroma plus a little BO like you’d smell on your armpits, you are okay. If it is a host of other smells (I’m sure google can identify them for you) that’s the sign of a problem.

    • Anonymous

      I switched to antibacterial soap (Dial) and cotton undies and making sure I was fully dry after showering that helped a ton. Stress still is a problem though.

    • Anon

      Have you tried Summer’s Eve ladies wash? It’s just liquid soap for down there. I started using it a lifetime ago in high school because things were pungent there (and the opposite has happened for me – not an issue at all as I’ve aged) and I’ve been using it ever since because it’s formulated by GYNs and pH balanced and all that.

    • Lizbet

      I’ve started using powder in creases — between my thighs and groin, etc. Helps a lot!

    • Anonia

      Have you tried blow drying the area using the cool setting after you shower? My doctor’s office had a pamphlet that recommended this for yeast infections, but it seems to work for sweat smells in the summer too.

  14. Anon

    The NYT is reporting over 1,600 COVID deaths yesterday. This makes me so, so sad.

    • Anon

      Same. It’s completely horrifying and I have recently learned that a lot of people that I know simply don’t care at all. Our relationships are changing because of this.

      • Cat

        Is it that they don’t care, or they need a break from hearing about it? I care but let’s face it, aside from behaving responsibly myself, I cannot control people who are gathering indoors in groups, refusing to wear masks, etc. There is no escaping the news about it. So my patience for commiserating with friends over just how awful everything is has worn extremely thin.

        • Anon

          Oh no, don’t care as in won’t make the most tiny adjustments to their social schedules. It’s all parties and meet-ups and zero distancing. Honestly, if we didn’t have Instagram, I think they would meet up less. It’s messed up.

          • Anonymous

            I feel the same way. I’ve lost so much respect for so many friends that I see posing with heads tilted together and no masks for stupid pictures. I sometimes wonder what the pioneers would have thought of us—them working so hard to make it and us being so careless just to post on social media. The one that really got me was a friend throwing a birthday party at her house with a ton of folks of all ages (including a bunch of late teens doing in-person classes at school) and blowing out candles on a cake. Like seriously? And people are liking the photo. SMH

          • Anon

            It’s so tough. I told my husband’s sister yesterday that we weren’t coming to the holidays this year just to be safe. (She’s already told me that she is planning to host the holidays at her house. If it were just our immediate family it would be 10 people, if you include her husband’s family, which she always does, it would be close to 20 at least, possibly more. And basically none of them are taking any precautions right now, based on their social media photos.) And she responded along the lines of – “I think you’re going to be more upset to miss the holidays than about this virus that none of us have gotten yet. But if that’s the decision you make it’s up to you.” And like, I just can’t anymore.

        • Anon

          The one group I hold some sympathy for are those whose industries have been gutted and see no relief coming from the gov’t. If I were in their shoes, I’d probably be more apt to push for a return to normal and bury my head in the sand. If you can’t feed your family, your view on a lot of things changes and I try to keep that in mind.

          It’s easier for me to push staying shut down for health and safety when I have a big house, great internet, an office for me and my husband, no break in my paycheck, etc.

          That said, it is an absolute atrocity that COVID has been so mismanaged in the US.

          • Anon

            I think agitating for your workplace to reopen doesn’t mean you also have to attend large indoor parties and go around in crowds unmasked. I can still think the latter are being selfish and harmful while feeling bad for people unable to work during the pandemic.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, your workplace being closed is not some kind of license to party at will. Your paid employment and your social life are separate issues.

          • Anonymous

            Definitely not going to well in other parts of the world either but not near as bad as the US. It’s like when you get an F on a test but try to tell your parents it’s not that bad because the other kids got Cs.

    • Anon

      that’s horrible. i do have to say that for the past 48 hours i almost forgot about covid bc of election stuff. but then one of my colleagues just told me she is waiting to see is she has covid…she did fly and work a wedding over the weekend (she has a side gig), so its hard for me to be sympathetic, though I know we dont earn a lot and her side gig makes a difference in her income, but flying + wedding = not covid safe

  15. Lateral partner interview

    I have a lateral partner interview today on video, West Coast firm. Should I wear a suit or something more casual? Thanks!

    • Anon

      Suit, at least from waist up. For me, having full battle dress would empower me in this situation.

    • anon

      If you were in person you could get away with business casual, but because no one will see your bottom I would do a blazer. I wore a dress to all my lateral partner interviews (Bay Area), similar to how I would dress for a conference (pre-COVID).

  16. A.

    Frivolity alert: I need a better mascara. My lashes are meh, but I like the definition I get with mascara — only problem is mine always smudges and I have dark circles under my eyes by the end of the day. Help me, hive!

    • Diana Barry

      I had this same issue and recently started using mascara PRIMER (the Lancome one, at sephora) and it makes the mascara not come off! I have been using too faced better than s*x mascara but haven’t tried others, FWIW.

    • NY CPA

      I love my Covergirl last blash volume (the orange container). It doesn’t smudge unless I forget to take it off before I go to sleep.

    • Anon

      I love tube style mascaras. No smudging ever, and it saves my towels too. I wear the Trish McEvoy but Blinc makes one too. I understand there’s a L’Oreal version but I don’t know the name of it.

    • Anon

      L’Oreal Voluminous is one of the bestselling drugstore varieties for good reason!

    • No Problem

      My mascara always smudges unless I wear powder. It’s the oils in your skin that are breaking down the mascara to cause smudging, and the powder absorbs it. So pick any mascara you like, but make sure to wear powder! (Note, I haven’t tried tubular mascara)

      • Anon

        It can also be eye cream. I am currently a tube mascara devotee, but before I converted I found that I had to wear absolutely no moisturizer near my eyes to prevent smudging.

    • anon

      I really love MaxFactor clump defy. it is so buildable and never smudges. hard to find though.

    • Anon

      IT Cosmetics Superhero mascara is pricey but amazing. I don’t have trouble with smudging, but YMMV.

  17. Anon

    The concept that I’m supposed to be able to write an appellate brief this week is laughable. I have not been completely useless, but I really am starting to feel like a bad employee. Please tell me I’m not alone.

    • Anonymous

      You are not alone I’ve written like…5 pages all week while obsessively refreshing the news, such low productivity.

    • Anon

      You are not alone. I will share that I had a full on crying panic attack yesterday (to the Rs reading here, I’m not a snowflake, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder in addition to concerns about the country, election and world) and the only thing that really helped was me throwing myself into my work.

      You know the old adage write drunk, edit sober? I figured I’d write despite my panic but not send anything until I could review with a clear mind. You got this! I promise you won’t miss any big news. If you are really concerned, ask a friend that is stalking the news to text you major updates and then stay off social media for the rest of the day!

    • Anon

      This is me as well. I did a little work Tuesday morning and am managing a little now, but all of it is simple stuff.

    • anon

      You are SO not alone! I took yesterday afternoon off to go outside in a park and be ‘away’.
      I’m back today but working on all the simple tasks I can find. Mercifully I do not have any major deadlines remaining this week.
      Be gentle with yourself. We are not robots and there is a lot going on right now. You are not a bad employee, and you will be more productive again.

    • Vicky Austin

      You’re not alone. After a weirdly productive Tuesday, I cannot make myself do zip squat.

    • anon

      You are not alone. I was useless on Tuesday. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday morning and finally got to work yesterday afternoon, with an impending deadline. It felt surprisingly good to work and exercise control over something, even if it’s just some documents.

    • Anokha

      It literally took me 40 minutes to write a 3 sentence email yesterday. I’m giving myself room for it to be a bad (work) week.

    • Anon

      AGH, here here. Can we puh-lease just get rid of the electoral college? Popular vote and we’re done.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Not alone. I am about to force myself to make some phone calls so I can cross off at least one thing on my list.

    • anon

      Not alone. I have one project I’ve been working on for a client I love and we’ve been working closely together on it, so the constant interaction/deadline is helping me get stuff done but TBH it’s the only thing I’ve focused on all week. I’m at about 40% productivity. It’s an important project that requires attention to detail, but I still am required to bill time. Not great.

  18. WHY?!?!?!

    Why does the dog, which seemed to be having some GI issues overnight, not poop on the washable rugs?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

    My 2020 seems to be just covered in sh*t, always, and forever.

    • Anonymous

      It’s like my cat – she’ll race across the hardwood floor to puke up a hairball on the carpet. Seriously, every time.

      • cat socks

        Yep, my cats do the same thing. I have mat for the litter box that has tons of holes to trap the litter. One of my cats puked on it. Fun times.

        • Anon

          There’s a joke book with pictures of cats next to objects titled “I could pee on this”

          I always say my cat’s version would be “I could puke on this”

      • KS IT Chick

        Ours does it, running from tile to carpet. The vet told me that she thinks that it’s so the puke doesn’t splash on them. I told her that I appreciate that he doesn’t want puke splashes but he could at least hit the welcome mat or a towel!

    • Anonymous

      Ugh. Poor doggie and poor you. My dog is more of an indoor puker than indoor pooper. I invested in a b i s s e l l green machine and love that thing. It makes the spot almost invisible. Hope your pooch feels better.

    • Anon

      I also have all hardwood floors with just ONE hallway runner and all three of my pets always choose said runner for any illness they are having. I now only buy super cheap carpets for the hallway that I can just throw out when that happens. The hardwood is damaged there which is why I have the carpet until I can fix it. Sympathies for you and your pet!

        • Anonymous

          OP here — I have two ruggables, with a third on order. I would have loved it if doggo had pooped on either. But of course not. Because 2020. He pooped on two other rugs, one an old one probably not long for this world. The other, a giant one under a giant dining table that takes two strapping men to put down / take up.

    • Anonymous

      My dog pooped in my car this morning right after a 45 minute walk. So it has been a day and I feel your pain.

    • Anon

      My parents dog got onto the counter yesterday (something that has previously seemed unlikely and took quite a bit of commitment on his part) and drank a cup and a half of canola oil. $150 vet visit. And he puked all night.

  19. Murz

    Does anyone have the Patagonia Radalie parka and if so, any thoughts? I’m between this and the Down With It Parka but am looking for something WARM but not a total marshmallow coat. I tried the Radalie on at REI a while ago and thought it seemed cozy, but I’d love opinions on how warm it actually is outside in the wind. TIA!

    • kk

      My mom has it- its synthetic down and not real down feathers, if that matters to you. I’ve borrowed it (in Northern Michigan) to take the dog out- I think it’d be great if you were moving around and generating a little heat, but probably not enough if you’re just standing still. It’d probably be great for like- Kentucky/North Carolina/Tennessee winters?

    • anon

      I’m in the Midwest, and the Radalie is a good jacket for chilly fall days or mild winter days. I would not use it for an all-purpose winter coat.

    • Anon

      Wow. Just wow. This is just one of the many reasons that 1/2 the country is doubting the veracity of the election results. Although this is legal some places, doing so after election night really undermines the process.

      • anon

        No they doubt the veracity because they’re being fed lies by a liar who intentionally sowed chaos so that people like you would fall for his shit.

      • Hildy

        But curing a ballot is entirely legal and pursuant to Georgia law, and can be done by both Republicans and Democrats? What could possibly be the issue?

  21. Anon

    Hello all, I need a distraction.

    A couple makeup artists I follow have said they really like Ester Lauded Advanced night repair or Lancôme Genifique serums. They both mentioned using these under makeup.

    I looked them up on beautypedia and Paula and her team were underwhelmed, but I know a lot of times there are products that work really well for people that Paula doesn’t like (and I really feel like her reviews are tilted toward her own brand now and not as independent as they used to be)

    Does anyone use these serious and love them? The Estée Lauder $75 set they always offer around Christmas includes the ANR, and I’m sure I could find a similar set from Lancôme.

    • Anon

      I love Genifique. I’ve been using it for…10 years? I used ANR for the decade before that, but they changed their formula and my skin didn’t like it (they change it every so often – I’m curious about the new formula they just came out with this fall).

      I’ve actually done “experiments” with my skin and various products, and I do genuinely notice a significant difference in skin radiance/glow/luminosity when I use G and when I don’t. G’s effect comes on subtly, so you don’t necessarily see a noticeable before and after…but when that bottle runs out, I definitely notice the after reverting to before. The Ordinary’s hyaluronic acid is not even remotely a substitute for me. Whatever’s in G really works for my skin.

      If you can’t decide between G and ANR, G’s bottle is designed to perfectly dispense the correct amount every time and I love it for that feature alone.

      • Anon

        Thanks. When do you use it? I’ve been using hyaluronic acid when my skin is still damp from my morning shower. Would you use the G there?

        • Anon

          I use it in the evening before bed because that’s when I do my serious skincare. The only skincare I do in the morning is SPF moisturizer. But when I’ve had big events coming up that I wanted to look good for, I have used it AM and PM.

          • Anon

            I asked because the two makeup artists use it to smooth the skin under makeup. I use a retinoid at night so probably wouldn’t layer this with it.

            does it layer under makeup well for you?

          • Anon

            It’s been fine under makeup the times I’ve done that. But it’s not really a skin smoothing product; I’d use a primer for that.

  22. Anonymous

    Have you ever found sinus issues making you dizzy? Got freaked out this morning as I rolled onto my right elbow and went to sit up and felt dizzy; went to lie back down and felt it again when I did get up. Made me nervous and as I’m working I’m kind of like — am I ok now, how about standing up etc. Yet now a few hours later both ears feel kind of plugged up and the left ear has popped lightly a few times. So I thinking is this some what ear or sinus related (I have a slight post nasal drip pretty much always). Anything that you’d do as a home “remedy”? Is this like a hot tea/water thing to make the sinuses feel better even though they aren’t actually bothering me?

    • anon

      Ugh, yes, I have experienced this. Decongestants and sinus irrigation are the only things that really help.

    • Anon

      Yeah, this is a thing. Try sudafed (the real stuff they only sell behind the pharmacist counter). If the dizziness is really bad, you could also try motion sickness medicine like meclizine. You might also be able to sleep it off.

    • Anon

      Have you tried a neti pot? If you always have post nasal drip, I think that’s worth seeing an ENT doctor about.

    • anon8

      A while back I went to the doctor thinking I had an ear infection, but it turned out my sinuses were blocked. She said I could use Flonase twice a day to help open up my sinuses and it definitely helped.

    • Anon

      It’s perhaps related to fluid in your ear, since your vestibular system is in your ears. Allergy meds should help.

    • NY CPA

      Look up benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. The getting dizzy when you are getting out of bed is exactly what happened to me when I had that. I was able to fix it with some weird yoga-type poses.

    • Horse Crazy

      The only thing that helps my post-nasal drip is Flonase. None of the allergy pills help. For sinus pain, I always get a washcloth wet and microwave it, and then let it cool until I can put it across my eyes/nose/forehead. It feels wonderful.

      • NY CPA

        Nasacort helps mine. Agree with the wet washcloth. Hot for stuffiness, cold for sinus headaches.

  23. Anonymous

    For those of you who freeze a lot of food — is it ok to use a new/unopened loaf of bread that I froze in pandemic planning back in March/April? I mean I know the purpose of freezing is to extend the life of food but something about eating 6 month old bread seems wrong.

      • Anonymous

        This. If it is freezer burned, you can use it for bread pudding or bread crumbs.

        • Senior Attorney

          Or save it a little longer and use it for Thanksgiving dressing/stuffing!

    • Microbiologist

      From a food safety perspective, as long as it stays frozen, it’s good pretty much forever. It will definitely deteriorate in quality over time, though, but you’ll be able to see the freezer burn (probably worst on the outside slices). If you toast it, it should be fine.

    • Anonymous

      From a safety perspective, it’s completely fine. Let it defrost on the counter because the microwave can make it hard. Frozen sliced bread makes great toast and covers up any defects in texture.

      • Anon

        +1 This will definitely be better as toast. There’s nothing wrong with eating six month old bread as long as it’s been frozen, but freezing foods can change texture.

    • JB

      I have toasted 6 month old bread (actually I just go straight from the freezer to the toaster and leave the rest frozen) with no issues. I wouldn’t want it just thawed, but any sort of reheating works well.

  24. Anon

    We’ve talked a lot about antidepressants and when to use them, and recently we talked specifically about Wellbutrin for ADHD.

    This is a recent happening for me and I think it might be useful to others. I’ve always had low-level depression and didn’t get any relief the first time I tried (paxil) in 2008. When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2019, I was experiencing extreme fatigue and my ADHD seemed to double and depression seemed a certainty. I did some research on cancer related fatigue (CRF), and Wellbrutrin is about the only thing that has some clinical research saying that it might help CRF. So I stared it and on the higher dose my ADHD seems better.

    When asked about my use of Wellbutrin and why by a new doctor, she said that she herself uses Wellbutrin to fight her adult ADHD, even though it’s not 100% clinically proven to help. She also prescribes it for patients for adult ADHD saying it can’t hurt.

    • Anonymous

      This is super interesting. I keep hearing Wellbutrin touted as a wonder drug and I’m really curious! I’m on Lexapro for anxiety/depression and Vyvanse for ADHD but really hate how the Vyvanse makes me feel – I wonder if I could come off of both Lexapro and Vyvanse and take Wellbutrin to manage both issues. Have you had any bad side effects?

      • anon OP

        No bad side effects for me. I take it in the morning and still sleep like a rock. No weight gain and no indoor gardening negative side effects.

    • Anonymous

      I’m also on WB for low grade depression and marginal adult ADHD. Only downsides are that it makes my insomnia worse. Interestingly I need the brand name version, the generic doesn’t have the same impact which isn’t an issue I’ve had with any other drug.

      • Anon

        I think it’s kind of known for this. It’s annoying because the name brand is $$$!

    • Anon

      I took wellbutrin for a long time to help deal with fatigue related to chronic pain. I think it really helped with this, but my pain had improved somewhat as I finally got some other medications working and I decided to stop the wellbutrin about a year ago. My resting heart rate immediately dropped about 4 bpm and blood pressure is now consistently 120/80 or lower instead of 130/90. No other obvious changes to explain this. I certainly wouldn’t let this stop you if think this medication would help you, since I think it really helped me, and it’s especially useful if you struggle with fatigue, but just an FYI if you have any health conditions where this might matter..

  25. Baby, Mom and Sibling Gifts

    My niece had a baby this week, and besides a baby gift, I want to send the Mom something special, and something really fun for the 5 year old sister and 7 year old brother. Anyone have great ideas or experience here?

    • Anon

      Stickers and a sticker book. There is really nothing kids that age would be more delighted by.

      For the mom, maybe the Max and Mia travel cardigan that is The Skirt of 2020?

      • Anon

        +1 to a soft cardigan. Also a fun new water bottle, maybe with a silicone sleeve.

        Depends on how much you want to spend on the kids, but you could get them a MagnaTiles set to share, a box of classic Legos, or a marble run. Those will provide some imaginative play without much parental supervision. You could also look at getting them cameras which are big hits with my 5 and 7. VTech Kidizoom is digital but doesn’t print pics. It’s pricey but one of the Polaroid film cameras like a Cliq or Instax (prints pics but isn’t digital) is on both of my kids’ Christmas wish lists.

        • Anon.

          Yes. 6 yr-old neighbor girl just got a camera as her Big Sister gift and was over the moon excited to show me when we dropped off dinner for them last week.

      • New+Here

        Second the cardigan! I splurged on the Barefoot dreams cardigan during the N-Sale when I was pregnant last summer. Had my baby at the end of December and it was my fave cozy piece. I love the Max and Mia version – just bought a green one! My WFHM uniform staple.

    • Anonymous

      The Ravensburger game Bugs in the Kitchen is cute and easy for kids to play on their own at that age.

  26. Anon

    Do any of you use local honey to help with allergies? I had never thought much about it and thought it was in the realm of woo but then a doctor friend said she does it and has been able to stop using Claritin every day. She eats a teaspoon a day.

    I have so many questions. First, I don’t really like the taste of honey but I’m ok with it in tea. Does being in hot tea undo any of the beneficial effects?

    Have any of you been successful with this? I tried googling but a lot of the sites are either completely anti-medicine or are trying to sell me honey or both. I’d love to hear some personal anecdotes from my trusted imaginary friends here.

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t had luck with it but there is decent evidence (like non-antivaxxer woo-woo type evidence) that it works for some people. Basically the mechanism is that the local honey gives you a very small dose of pollen from the local pollens. Over times, in some people this can help build a tolerance to local pollen and your allergy symptoms will not bother you as much. It doesn’t work for everyone and the amount needed and the length of time required is not text book yet.

      This is the same mechanism that is used for other types of allergies. For example, some people with milk allergy can tolerate small amount of baked milk (e.g. muffins) as the baking process breaks apart the protein which is what triggers the allergy. This can be used, over time to build a tolerance.

      Allergies, both food and environmental, are not a terribly well understood area so the science is evolving. The immune system is a complicated place.

    • Anonymous

      What I’ve heard is that it has to be really, really local to have any effect. Like from your neighborhood.

    • Ribena

      I don’t use it for this but I do use honey in hot cordial if I have a sore throat, as it has natural anti microbial properties

    • Vicky Austin

      Re tea: I don’t know if hot water will dilute the benefits, but I do know that it dilutes the taste. Maybe they’re related. I would just put a ton of honey in and hope for the best.

      I have tried it, and I think honey from a few counties away made a small difference for me, although I still took my allergy pills. Maybe they just have to be from similar enough biomes.

      However, if you’re struggling with allergies, I just saw an allergist yesterday and her nurse told me that when you use things like Flonase, you have to aim at the outer walls of your nostrils for it to really be effective. I could have gone my whole dang life not knowing that. So in case that helps you!

    • Me

      I do this and in my tea, which does not seem to affect the efficacy. I have mild-ish allergies and live in a part of the country rated incredibly high in allergy issues.

      The honey is from 6.4 miles away from my house (I read somewhere than 10 miles or less was ideal). I got lucky because one of our partners gives us honey at the end of the year–beekeeping is his hobby–so that’s what we use year-round. Your local farmers’ market may be a great place to get some local honey.

    • Anonymous

      I have done this, both for my local area and when I have a long work assignment in another area. I bought honey from a local farm and did a tablespoon in tea morning and night.

    • Anon

      If the bees aren’t eating the pollen of the thing you’re allergic to it won’t help. So it really depends – if you’re allergic to certain tree pollen and bees are flocking to flowering weeds it’s not going to do it.

    • Anon

      My mother had allergies and tried this. My dad actually started keeping behooves in the backyard and she had honey and part of the comb every morning for years. We never noticed that it did her any good, but maybe she just had really horrible allergies to begin with.

  27. Hollis

    Does anyone have a winter hat that you love? I’m not doing a whole lot besides walking around outside, and I have decent gloves but no hat for colder weather. Specific styles appreciated!

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