Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Antoinette Top

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1. Does anyone have a travel organization recommendation I can pass on to my MIL? Early 70s, moderately active (likes walking for a few hours but wouldn’t want to go cycling/hiking/etc.). Travelling alone and nervous about it; has not been outside N. America. Ideally looking for Europe and not a cruise.

   1. I think the Ramblers in the UK do guided trips, with varying degrees of walking.

      1. Yes, but you have to be a member to join the trips. They are more a walking “club” than a travel organization. Anyone can join them in a regular walk. (But I recomend them is that suits your MIL)

   2. My similarly aged and active in laws love Gate 1.

      1. We traveled with Gate 1 a few years ago to do a safari in South Africa and I would agree with this rec- really organized, great guides. Definitely skewed older but there were several people on our trip traveling alone and frankly they seemed to have a better time than some of the bickering couples.

      2. My husband and I went with Gate 1 to South Africa five years ago. Most of the trip was older but it was a mix of all ages. We were in our mid-20s and ended up really bonding with a couple in their 50s. There were several solo travelers, including older women. Highly recommend the organization.

      3. Same. Before my dad passed away, my parents traveled a lot with Gate1. We went on a couple of trips with them and they skew older, but there were still some young couples on the trip. The tours are well organized and the travel by bus is comfortable.

   3. I saw an Elderhostel group hiking at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and it looked so fun that I (33 at the time) wanted to join in. This is my aging well goal — to do this as a retiree.

      1. Elderhostel is now Road Scholar.

      2. Road Scholar (fka Elderhostel) also does grandparent-grandkid travel, so OP if you have kids you could potentially send them on a trip with your MIL through that organization. We haven’t done it (mainly because I love to travel and if my kid and mom are traveling, I want to go with them!) but I’ve heard good things from friends.

   4. Tauck, 100%.

   5. Saga are a UK based company aimed at those 50+. They offer lots of guided tours etc across Europe (and further afield).

   6. My similar MIL loves Road Scholar for this.

      1. +1, my dad and his wife have done several Road Scholar trips and really enjoyed them.

   7. I have a friend this age who swears by Grand Circle Travel. Has been touring with them for years.

      1. My parents have travelled extensively with Grand Circle (through they subsidiary Overseas Adventure Travel) and enjoyed those trips very much, although my mother says she occasionally felt manipulated by “spontaneous” events that turned out to be scripted. They also went to Egypt with Road Scholar and loved it, but I caution that they take the “scholar” part seriously in case that is not her vibe.

         In fact, I am finding it hard to convince them that we do not need to travel with either company for Europe this summer. They have failed in love with the convenience and the excellent local guides.

      2. Yes, now that you mention it I think my friend uses OAT.

2. Paging the Antarctica anon from yesterday

   I don’t have a recommendation for a specific cruise line, as I had a connection to join a specialist expedition ship. However, I wanted to give 3 quick general recommendations:

   – Make sure the ship you choose is small enough to be able to do “dinghy” excursions to shore. I believe some of the bigger ships aren’t allowed to ferry you to shore because of the environmental impact of having too big of a group of people there. If I went and just saw the shore from the boat or even a dinghy in the water, I’d probably have been annoyed and felt like I missed out.

   – I loved leaving out of Ushaia. It was a fairly sizable town with a suprising amount of really delicious restaurants. We stayed a few days before getting on the ship and are glad we did. There’s also some relatively easy hikes in the vicinity that you can get a tour operator to lead you on. I remember we were bussed places and then hiked up and back. Did hikes on some mountain and then Esmerelda Lake. The weather in late December was good for hiking.

   – People yesterday said “if you get seasick, bring good meds”. It really doesn’t matter if you’ve never gotten seasick in the past. The Drake is a WHOLE other matter. I usually have a stomach of iron on ships, and even I was reduced to laying down to make it through much of the worst of it. Pro tip: laying out on the deck was great for seasickness, if you’re able to do that. Your body doesnt fight the movement of the ship and the fresh air helps calm your stomach as well. Dramamine won’t cut it. You want prescription scopolamine seasickness patches from your doctor. I didn’t bring any but someone gave me an extra on the way back and it helped a lot. FWIW I went the 2 weeks after Christmas and the trip on the way there was (allegedly) calm for the Drake, but on the way back, we hit the edge of a storm, and the ship was rocking 30 degrees from vertical, so 60 degree swings back and forth. It’s definitely an unpredictable place and I learned to roll (pun not intended) with the punches.

   1. The candor is helpful. I cannot be a passenger in a car without getting motion sick (I was fun as a kid!) and often have a travel of goal of not getting sick in the cab I’m in (so no reading of any sort in a moving vehicle). I was on a summer associate booze cruise and that was me, sober and throwing up off the side of the boat. No Drake Passage for me!

      1. Fun fact — if you get motion sick, there is something genetic about that (often) that also makes you get the spins and have projectile vomiting with anesthesia. I am also fun in a medical setting (but now we discuss before and they give me . . . Zofran . . . and things are not so exciting).

         1. Oh thanks for this heads up!

         2. That’s my husband! It totally sucks. But anaethesiologists know what to do about it if you tell them ahead of time.

   2. Yeah, I’m a professional marine scientist and I don’t have the slightest desire to go to Antarctica. I’ve heard so many horror stories about sea sickness there. Just a note on scopolamine- I know a lot of people swear by this, but most of them are men. I know a lot of women (including me) that have had terrible experiences with it. I’m guessing it’s a dosage effect, so more likely if you’re on the small side (and definitely don’t try cutting the patches in half). After a day or two, it messes up your vision and makes you really loopy. I strongly advise trying it at home first if you want to rely on it.

      1. Ugh that sucks.

         Note (quoting my oncology team and then citing my own experience): Scopolamine is known for neurologic side effects with long term use.

         Looks like OP got those quickly, but I wanted to note that that’s not true for everyone so YMMV.

         I can go 5 days (longest period I’ve used them) without an issue. They are best at keeping down background nausea for me, though, so I’m not sure how they’d work with the acute nausea of seasickness.

         1. I suspect the research setting is different than medical- you’re often at sea for weeks at a time and working long hours doing detailed work while seasick and not sleeping much which probably ups the risk of those side effects. The first day or so seems okay, but as time goes on, people just lose their ability to focus their eyes and a few people get really doped up.

            1. But I appreciate your feedback, Curious, because I’ve gotten so used to thinking of those patches as a safety hazard on a ship, where being out of it is really dangerous, but obviously they can help people on chemo, etc. Hope you’re feeling okay today!

            2. Thanks Anon! Chemo this week but the tumors are gone, so it looks like treatment is working. And that makes perfect sense. I have a decent number of friends who are oceanographers, and cruise work is HARD. Also, isn’t it nuts how meds affect men differently than women?!

         2. Scopolamine also makes mucus significantly thicker (it was described to me as “like concrete”), so if you have sinus or lung issues/congestion, they’re not a good solution for anything.

            1. Good to know as a person with mucus issues. Right now avoiding nausea trumps everything but jeez what a lot of side effects.

            2. My doctors wouldn’t even let me try it when nausea was my #1 enemy.

               The thing I found worked best for nausea was actually Marinol + Zofran dosed alternating (+ Ativan and Phenergen as breakthrough meds). But the Marinol worked well and helped with appetite too.

            3. Good to know. Zofran is standard on this regimen and we added Scopolamine last time for breakthrough mild nausea. I hate compazine and Ativan so this was the best for me, but I will watch my mucus triggers (dairy) and consider whether to suck up the compazine.

               Anyway. Thread jack to a thread jack. :)

            4. Also, Sloan, I’m glad you found something that works for you, too.

   3. This sounds horrible and what is the point of doing such an adventure, if you’re too sick to enjoy it?!

      1. The 2 days sailing there and 2 days sailing back was undoubtedly rough, but it’s great once you actually get there. I’m not a particularly outdoorsy person or nature lover, but it was the most awe-inspiring thing I’ve ever done in my life. It felt like the closest thing I’ll ever experience to going to the moon. The natural beauty is outstanding. The proliferation of wildlife–whales, birds, penguins, seals, etc.–is unlike anywhere else on earth.

   4. That was me. Thanks!

   5. All the ships that cruise to Antarctica take people ashore. If you go on a ship with more than 100 passengers (that’s the limit on land at one time), you may have less total time ashore because they split you into two groups and when the other group is landing then you have to stay in zodiacs or kayaks in the water. But you often see nice scenery and wildlife from the zodiacs, so it’s not like the time is wasted. The big ships are also more stable so less seasickness and have more creature comforts. If you want to maximize total time ashore, smaller ship is for sure the way to go. But it’s not like there are cruises that take you near Antarctica and wave at it and sail away. Even on the “big” ships, you land on the continent many times.

      1. No, this isn’t true. Ships with over 500 passengers don’t make landings in Antarctica. You’ll cruise by, literally, but no landings. Source: International Association of Antarctica Tour Operators.

         Ships with less than 500 passengers, then yes, you rotate in groups of 100 to get off the main cruise ship and land on the continent.

         1. I’m not disputing the existence of that rule, but I think it’s hypothetical because there aren’t any ships with over 500 passengers that offer expedition cruises to Antarctica. All the cruise lines I’m familiar with (including all the ones the OP from yesterday named) have well under 500 people on board their Antarctica cruises. 200-300 people is generally considered really big for an Antarctica expedition cruise, but is still small enough that you do daily landings, though maybe not twice daily like some of the smaller ships.

3. My closet is a disaster. It’s overflowing with clothes. So full I barely open it. Not functional at all. I have two weeks off in between jobs and I know I need to use some of the time to tackle this (vacation also happening). I’ve read Mario Kondo, I’ve applied it in some areas of my home. But my clothes are a struggle. Tips on how to make it less overwhelming?

   1. My rule of thumbs for the closet purge – Have I worn it in the past two years? No, or can’t remember, try it on. If it doesn’t fit well (not just the if it zips it fits test), or looks dated, then it goes in the trash or is donated. That normally cleans out a lot of the bulk. If there is anything you are on the fence about, put it aside, wear it for a day, and you will remember why you haven’t worn it in a few years (e.g., it gives me trex arms) and then donate it.

   2. Do you have a friend who can come over and help rate things in a try-on session? It’s easier to organize a closet if you can vote some items off of the island permanently. And maybe some wine / snacks?

      1. I would 100% love doing this with a friend! I don’t have to dress up, there are drinks and snacks, and we get to have conversation WHILE doing a task which is catnip for my ADHD brain (I am also excellent on a shopping trip as I’m constantly re-hanging, handing you clothes so your job is just to try on the clothing).

   3. If you have Vietnam Vets in your area, you can schedule a donation pickup at your home (or look into other orgs that do donation pickups). Having a pickup date on my calendar always motivates me to clean out.

   4. Take everything out – put it on your bed.
      Do the spark joy test.
      Then count how many of the same thing you have. 18 navy dresses? Pick your top 3. Put the rest in a box or donate.
      Sentimental value clogging up your closet? Put a picture up of your fav few pieces, then box/get out of the way.

      I went from an overflowing walk in and boxes in the garage to a third full closet that still has way more than I need.

      1. Are you in my closet right now? Because I def have 18 navy dresses.

         1. That’s me with gray dresses. Sigh. Clothes are hard, especially now because I don’t know if 1) I will lose a little weight come spring so more things will fit (we’re talking maybe 3-5 lbs would do it) and 2) more importantly, I probably won’t be back in the office full time and my office is casual anyway so I don’t need so much stuff, but 2a) I really like my pretty cardigans and dresses and I’m sad to get rid of them (and a photo doesn’t really cut it for me)!

            I try to think that my gently worn things will make someone shopping at Goodwill very happy to have, rather than having them molder away in my closet. Sometimes that helps.

            1. Wear your pretty cardigans and dresses. I aim to wear my nice clothes while working from home twice a week.

      2. I think Spark Joy is BS, no business attire is ever going to spark joy in me. I want my clothes to spark a sense of satisfaction that I can get out of bed and get dressed without too much fuss, and if having 18 navy dresses works for me because I never go to the dry cleaners, so be it.

      3. Don’t laugh, but think of it this way: Suppose someone was holding a gun to your head and making you throw bleach (or ink, or whatever) on some of your clothes. What would be the pieces you’d sacrifice? Or alternatively, which pieces of clothing would you feel really bad about if the drycleaner accidentally ruined them? That will help identify the “I’m holding onto because it’s good, but it doesn’t make me feel good” clothing.

   5. I’m doing mine 15 minutes at a time, here’s how: Start with throwing out actual garbage. Then move out anything that doesn’t belong in your closet (hello Xmas wrapping paper). Pick stuff up off the floor and hang it or fold it. Get one corner in shape and keep going. When you start to see the floor again, purchase any organizers or bins and just put clean off season stuff away with labels. Now group what’s left by category (jackets/jeans/ect.). When that’s done actually go through each and evaluate or kondo or whatever and drive the donations immediately to the donation place. Now you can arrange and decorate and buy fancy linen spray to the extent you care. You can also make a shopping list for anything you’re missing or want for spring.

      Do not put everything on your bed and empty it all at once. You’ll run out of steam because it’s more work than you think.

   6. Approach your clothing by category, and you don’t have to do it all at once. Perhaps start with the smallest group and do a preliminary purge first. For example, look only at your work skirts. Immediately get rid of anything you don’t wear for any reason or doesn’t fit. Then move on to the next group and do the same. It doesn’t matter if you like the item or used to wear the item a lot or never wore it; if you don’t wear it now, it needs to go.
      Once you’ve gone through all the groups, you can go back and think “okay, how many work outfits do I need and do I want to keep pants/skirts/dresses” to fit that number of work outfits? Then keep your favorites to make however many work outfits you need or want. Keep in mind how you like to dress. Are you a Steve Jobs who just wears the same outfits over and over and you’re happy with that? Or do you prefer to have 30 work outfits and keep things new. Your personality and how you like to interact with clothing will dictate how many work outfits you need. Recognize who you are and how you like to dress; not who you may think you should be and how you should dress.
      This is a big project so remember to take breaks and build in rewards if that motivates you. For me, I would decide that after I have gone through all of my work skirts and pants for the first round, I would walk to a coffee shop and get a coffee and then come home and look at my jeans and casual tops.
      If you like music or podcasts, turn something on while you’re working too.
      Good luck!

   7. I would empty the entire thing. Pour a glass of wine if that’s your thing.

      Sort into piles. First, shoes, bags, dresses, skirts, shirts, accredited etc.

      You will find things that are obvious trash or donated in there right off the bat. Have a bag read for each of those.

      Pour a second glass of wine/ take a dinner break/go for a walk/whatever.

      From there start folding/organizing. You’ll see you have like 10 black sweaters. Pick the top 3.

      If something doesn’t fit you, is horribly out of fashion, or you hate it for some other reason, just donate it.

      See how far that gets you. Then jump into the more hardcore purging if needed. You can also just put the rest back neatly and see what you wear. If it’s still there this summer fall and hasn’t been worn, get rid of it.

   8. I’m the friend my other friends call to help them weed out their clothes because I’m ruthless, lol. So ask a friend to help. If I don’t wear something in a year then I get rid of it. And get those skinny velvet hangers because they take up less space.

   9. Take everything out and then purge in 2 steps. First, immediately put aside anything that you know you don’t wear for any reason (fit, stains, not flattering, just don’t like it). Make all the easy decisions quickly–10 seconds or fewer per item. Take a break. Second, sort clothes into categories (work skirts, work dresses, sundresses, etc) and start trying things on. Donate anything you don’t love. Don’t keep anything because you might need it.

   10. I also want to suggest that you follow Marie Kondo’s advice to get rid of stuff immediately once you decide you no longer need it. Don’t let it linger in a box “just in case” you might change your mind.

   11. I did this recently and am so happy I did. I was honest about what fit, irrespective of how nice it was. Sorry cashmere sweater, you show all my rolls. I gave most of the good stuff to a friend, which really made it easier to let go, and then I’m going to donate what she doesn’t want.

       My closet and dresser and now the only places in the house with my clothes, instead of hiding them in suitcases around the house, and then frantically dumping them when I need to travel. There is a little breathing room between hangers. Not holding onto the old clothes is making me feel better about my body as is. I’m actually a little excited about repeating the process for summer stuff.

   12. I tackle this by doing a try on session of all the garments in a single category, like short sleeve tops. Set aside anything that doesn’t fit, or is too worn, and then keep what is left. Then move on to another category. Once you have done this initial cull you can try on actual outfits with what is left, to see if you have gaps. You may then need to fill in a few items to make everything work. If not, roll with the result and know that over a season many things will wear out and you will have more room in a few months.

   13. I throw everything on the bed to completely empty the closet and then clean the closet top to bottom. Then before putting anything back in, it has to meet the following criteria

       1) does it fit?
       2) does it need repair (if so it goes in a pile, not the closet)
       3) is it free from stains?
       4) do I have an outfit to wear this with?
       5) do I have an occasion to wear this?
       6) am I keeping this because I like it or because it was expensive?

       While I’m purging, I make a checklist of items that are going to goodwill (example – women’s long sleeved blouse -2, women’s blazer – 1…) so that I can enter the items into It’s Deductible when I do my taxes.

       Then when I put things back into the closet, I put them in a certain order that works for my closet, yours might be different –
       Jackets/cardigans/other toppers
       Blouses
       Pants and skirts
       Dresses
       Formalwear

       And within these categories, organized loosely by color.

       I also have a concept of items being on probation. I put hangers backward for things that I was on the fence about. If I don’t wear them before the next time I clean my closet (meaning the hangers are still backward), then I have to donate them (formalwear excepted.)

       Only after all this is done do I make a list of what my wardrobe needs. Right now I need more solid color tops and a new pair of athletic shoes. These are real holes in my wardrobe, not necessarily the categories of things I like to buy. So I will be keeping an eye out for those but I won’t be buying any more of my favorite things, which tend to be pretty shoes and jackets.

       Hope this helps.

       1. It does!!

   14. The Organized Soprano on YouTube recently did a closet decluttering motivational video for spring.

   15. I have a staging area in my closet. It’s a corner of a shelf that’s practically hidden, and it’s where I keep neatly folded stuff that I want to give away but think I may need at some point in the future. I review the pile maybe twice a year and at that time virtually all of it goes into the Goodwill bag. Taking this interim step makes it a little easier to let go of things that you think you may need at some point down the road because 99% of the time you didn’t actually need them or even remember them.

       1. has anyone seen the article about over kondo-ing and the after effects?

4. To whomever has been recommending the Sue Sartor cinnabar dress . . . they should give you a commission of some sort. Now: how do I get a blazer on over the sleeves?

   1. Lol, that’s me! So I do a weird thing where I pull my arm up at the shoulder to grip the bottom of the sleeve as best I can and slither the jacket arms over that way. I also style w a denim jacket and sneakers, or a LJ and boots – all of which work in my office too.

      1. Will now need to a link to a jacket with wide enough sleeves for this. I have really skinny arms and yet my attempt to wear a HeatTech fleece tneck under a blazer had me feeling like the Michelin Man.

         1. I just wear JCrew blazers? Somehow it works?

   2. Ok this site is super-confusing. Are these available in store somewhere, so can actually see/feel? Seems like a high price point for a pretty casual dress. Am I missing some dress magic?

      1. In my larger SEUS city, they are carried in a few boutiques. I love that they have pockets and were sort of “one size fits most” when I had COVID-15 and needed a dress for a graduation. I went sedate with my colorway and regretted it instantly b/c they pretty ones are PRETTY. OTOH, I wear the sedate one to work and it’s fine there (esp. as everyone else is in pajamas practically).

   3. These dresses don’t seem like the kind you’d wear a blazer over.

      1. And yet, after reading this here yesterday, I tried it and (other than not being able to move my arms much — maybe I need a JCrew blazer) liked the look. Not for my 2012 office, but would do well for 2022.

      2. Yeah I really don’t get fashion right now. Do you wear a blazer over a little house on the prairie dress, probably finish it off with some chunky sneakers and that’s a work look?

         1. BigLaw, SEUS, and yes, can confirm this is done regularly. But more typical is floaty midi dress with flats or some sort of low-block heel pump or boots.

            1. What is the men’s equivalent of this?

            2. Suit + sneakers?

               For old-fashioned — I saw a guy in a “sport kilt” doing curling and I’d love to see more of that.

            3. Yeah…. I’m waiting this one out.

               This is going to be one of those “can you believe we wore that?” moments 10 years from now.

5. I love that this top comes with a modesty button.

   I spent some time yesterday “researching” wrap dress hacks and trying various ones, just to feel beaten down and like all of the wrap dress hacks were failing me (hook and eye! wrap this way not that way! so much fashion tape!). Still stuck with two DVF wraps I bought as a post-partum optimist (wraps are flexible! will be such a wise investment! you will be wearing them for the next 30 years! it’s a natural fiber!) 10+ years ago. It takes a lot to make me give up, but they are now in bins and have lost their spots on hangers in the closet.

   1. Those dresses are not good. They are perfect if you’ve got a balanced top and bottom and just the right sized chest. If not they don’t work at all.

      1. +1. Even women I know who can wear almost anything successfully have trouble with DVF wrap dresses. I think they’re cut for a very particular set of proportions that most women don’t have.

         1. I really believe that a lot of prestige fashion is prestige partly because of who can and cannot fit in it.

      2. They don’t even work then – that describes me and I can’t figure out who they’re perfect for

   2. What specific problem are you having with the wrap part? I imagine that a tailor or the dry cleaner could add a modesty snap for you and make it discrete if you need the bust to close. For mine, the best solution I have found is to wear a half slip underneath to avoid any windy wardrobe mishaps.

      1. I think my problems are that if I tie it tight enough not to gape around the bust, the skirt is too tight. And if the skirt works loose, the top halves are loose and floppy. I wasn’t busty post-partum and never nursed it it, but it is loose and there is too much fabric and I’ve just resigned that it’s not a pear-friendly cut. I had to wear with a full cami-style slip and 500 pieces of fashion tape to sort of pull off. A sari could not have been more difficult (I think; do not own a sari though).

         1. I believe these dresses work best if you are busty. I am not and they never worked for me.

            1. Same here. I have hips, but I’m not busty at all. Wrap dresses are the freaking worst.

            2. Hmm interesting, I have a tiny chest, and DVF works great on me. I am tall and skinny and pretty straight up and down though, so I think whoever said “balanced” earlier probably hit the nail on the head.

            3. Nope, commented above, perfectly proportioned hourglass here and they do not work at all.

            4. Interesting. I had a busty coworker who loved DVF wrap dresses, and as our mutual coworker said, “I swear I’m going to see n1pple any second.” (That has to say, she was constantly spilling out of them.)

               Look at DVF herself in the studio 54 era. Straight up and down like a two by four. That’s who they’re cut for.

            5. I don’t think they work for anyone except a curvy woman who doesn’t mind if the dress falls off. I am built like a 2×4 and they are terrible on me.

            6. 32F/29/38. They don’t work for me either.

         2. Honestly, I would get rid of the dresses. I have a similar shape as yours, and wrap dresses simply do not work on me–they gape on top and the skirts are way to tight. And I like a dress to STAY CLOSED.

            If your dresses were less expensive, I’d say to take them to a tailor and have them sewn shut. But for DVF dresses, I’d just sell them and move on. Life is far, far, far too short to hang onto clothes that are difficult, frustrating, and go unworn.

            1. DTMF and move on. Those dresses are the worst.

   3. Clothes should serve you! If you can’t wear them and feel comfortable or have to deploy so many hacks to make them wearable that it’s a huge hassle then you’re 100% justified in thrifting them. As I age I just have no interest in clothes that make my life harder…

      1. Maybe my problem is that I paid $$$ for my DVF and it’s a high-quality fabric, not some fast fashion purchase I expected to have for a season and then painlessly toss. I feel like I’d emotionally be better off and it would be easier to walk away had this not been a high-ticket purchase. It has made it harder to purchase quality items (i.e., The Fold, other pricier brands). I feel like it’s got to be mall stores on sale or I will just feel like it’s too much to lose.

         My shape has changed since I bought the dress (it was initially OK) and the dress has poorly adapted to the new me (this is NOT as advertise with a wrap — easily accommodating a changing shape was a selling point).

         Ugh.

         1. This is probably way more money and effort than you’d want to do, but is there some way you could take the dress to a tailor and have them cut it up to make a skirt or something? If you really like the fabric.

            Like I said, it could be way too much money and work, but just a thought for trying to salvage something if you really like the dress. I’ve never seen a DvF dress in real life, so I have no idea if this is even possible.

   4. I think wraps are actually much less flexible than they’re marketed as. My standard ‘big external event’ dress is a viscose crepe wrap dress, which is flowy but not stretchy, and which I always wear with a camisole and a safety pin.

   5. Wrap dresses are not the magic dresses this board seems to think they are. I can’t wear them without being EXTREMELY booby.

   6. I love wrap dresses. Hourglass, if that matters. Have not tried DVF (yet).

6. In all seriousness – is anyone buying anything from MMLaFleur lately? And if so, what?!? I could use a high quality jersey dress that is washable, not see through, and not in a cutesy print like Boden or Lily. This used to be their sweet spot but it seems like the prices rose and the quality has dropped significantly. The pieces I have from there are from 2017/2018 and I could use a refresh but the reviews on so many of their pieces are meh, and the cost is bonkers to me ($225? really? I’d rather pay full price for the high quality crepe or satin poly at Brooks Brothers which is still cheaper!).
   Am I crazy or is there just no mid-tier of workwear like there used to be? I’m either stalking sales on high end brands or filling in gaps with Talbots/Banana/Ann Taylor. When I am willing to pay up for a good quality basics my options seem to be mall brands for $80-$100 or $300+ (and often +++) with little in between.

   1. There is plenty for resale — Posh, FB resale groups, and even MMLF has a resale component now. I have sold some items and bought some items used and have about 5 pieces that I bought new.

   2. I still buy from them but on sale or I stalk the MMLaFleur second act shop. A few of their tops and jardigans are workhorses for me.

   3. I agree about the disappearing mid tier. Here in the U.K. that used to be M&S but they don’t have any womens suiting anymore and almost no smart separates.

   4. Antonio Melani. Size charts are accurate if you are not near Dillards and need to get things shipped without trying on first. It’s basically what Ann Taylor was 10-15 years ago.

      1. Second Antonio Melani. They don’t always fit me but it’s my reliable source for good quality silk tops that don’t cost a bomb — and they frequently go on sale.

   5. Not really. I have a bunch of older pieces from them and I buy some of their things resale, but there’s not much on the site now that’s worth (to me) the new higher prices. I loved them and am disappointed.

   6. Bought a piece early on and couldn’t get over the terrible quality and lack of style. I’m not that bothered by the lack of so called workwear, I think style is just changing. I’m really liking wider slacks, sneakers and loafers with them, blazers, easy tops, all of which are really easy to find. If you’re looking for a pencil skirt and shrunken jacket kind of look, I think that’s dated and your eye will adjust. Banana and jcrew (both reasonable price points and workwear brands) have tons available.

      1. If I showed up at work in wide-leg slacks and sneakers, my coworkers would think I’d lost my mind. I recognize that fashions are shifting, but there are still a lot of traditional biz-casual workplaces around!

         1. I mean you don’t style it like you’re at NY Fashion week. Any of the store brands are doing a perfectly office appropriate version. If you can’t do sneakers I’m sure you can do loafers. I work in finance at a relatively conservative company, and I’ve seen this shift.

      2. I do kind of hear you on this. I had my perfect closet of perfect clothes and my COVID 15 wrecked all that. And if the prior clothes fit this spring, are they current clothes? I hear the voice inside my head say, “If you have to ask . . .” but I swear they are classics. CLASSICS!

   7. I have a few jersey dresses like you speak of from Talbots over the years. They’re all black or navy base colors with a low key flower or paisley pattern. Not overly ditsy or twee. I would buy a thousand dresses exactly like this if they made them more frequently, but it seems to be a once a year release. It’s a three quarter midi dress with a twist at the waist, if you want to try poshmark or ebay.

      1. +1 to the bi-annual Talbots dress. And to the bi-annual Brooks Brothers dress. And to some Chaus and DKNY washable dresses. I wait for corporate appropriate colors, prints, etc.

   8. J McLaughlin makes washable jersey dresses that are workhorses for me. You definitely have to weed through the casual/fun prints and colors, but they usually have a few options. And once you know your size, they’re usually easy to find on Poshmark or eBay.

   9. I haven’t bought anything from MMLF in years. They started out with simple, elegant tailored dresses and lost their way when they started in with the ugly overpriced synthetic pants.

      1. Preach. I was all about simple, tailored, (mostly) washable work separates that were classic with a twist. Not whatever the heck it is they are selling now (work pajamas? ribbed bodycon sweaters circa 96? culottes? ugh).

   10. The seam has fallen out of every MMLF dress I’ve ever bought. I’m not paying like $200 for a dress when I have to pay to reinforce the seam before I even wear it. It’s too bad because the brand fits me well but the quality is awful.

7. A couple of months ago I posted about feeling really down about where my life is right now (mostly related to still being single in my mid-30s when I really want a partner and kids). Someone here recommended the book “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron. I’ve been reading it slowly and it’s really resonating with me. Does anyone have recommendations for other books that talk about applying Buddhist principles to everyday life? Or any other books for dealing with the stage of life I’m in?

   1. That may have been me. Chodron has some other books that are great, including The Places that Scare You and Welcoming the Unwelcome, which is her newest book. You might also want to read Thich Nhat Hanh’s You Are Here: Discovering the Magic of the Present Moment and The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching.

      I also have to put in a plug for Be Here Now, by Ram Dass, which is very much a product of its time (the late 60s) and kind of needs to be read/viewed through that lens. But there’s great wisdom in that book, especially related to embracing where we are in the present moment – even if we are in a painful place.

      1. +1 to Be Here Now by Ram Dass. It’s very different but that’s part of the magic too.

   2. Sara Eckel’s book “It’s Not You…” takes a Buddhist approach to the challenge of being single when you’d rather not be. It helped me a lot, and she has lots of other recommendations for resources in the bibliography.

   3. I highly recommend It’s Easier Than You Think by Sylvia Boorstein. It’s a very approachable easy read (which is fitting for the title/subject).

   4. I’m right there with you. COVID has not made this easier. While it’s not specifically Buddhist, I recently devoured the book How to be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate by Dr. Jenny Taitz. Can’t recommend this book enough. The book challenges common expectations/misconceptions about “happiness” and examines society’s feelings toward being single and where those come from. All around, a positive (not overly, sickeningly so though) and extremely insightful read.

8. any Houstonians voting in the primary? recs for democratic candidates?

   1. Gm, I used the list from the Houston Chronicle.

9. What’s the grown up version of Point Horror, Babysitters Club, horse novels, boarding school books etc? I’m feeling nostalgic for the type of novels I loved as a tween! Mostly I currently read Sci-fi/fantasy, crime & historical fiction.

   1. Meg Cabot has a short adult series set in the Florida Keys! Also, Eva Ibbotson and Laura Wood novels

      1. Meg Cabot also wrote a grown-up Princess Diaries book that I loved.

   2. My Best Friend’s Exorcism may scratch that itch! Hendrix’s later stuff (Southern Book Club’s Guide …, Final Girls Club) are more horror, less comedy/clever, but MBFE and Horrorstor (about a haunted/possessed Ikea) are delightful.

      1. FYI – I really wanted to like Hendrix’s books but they were just too graphic/gory in a way that didn’t mesh for me with the tone of the rest of the books. They’re kind of the James Gunn of horror books in my mind, VERY bloody but ‘quippy’. I am a wimp and can’t hang with the gore. If you were ok with Suicide Squad you’ll be ok with his stuff.
         I’ve enjoyed well written romance novels – Jasmine Guillory, and Talia Hibbert are both great in this genre. if you already like crime maybe some of the ‘cosy murder mysteries’ – Inspector Gamache novels are great though they do get a bit repeptitive. Curious to see what others recommend though!

         1. I would agree on his newer stuff – I found Book Club VERY triggering – but don’t remember MBFE or Horrorstor being as graphic! I also haven’t read those in awhile, so my recollection may be off.

   3. American Royals novels might be up your alley, I love-hate Sophia Kinsella’s Shopaholic series (I find the main character insufferable, but the books to be delicious), if you read scifi, you probably already know about Becky Chambers, but her Wayfarers series is amazing. If you’re willing to dip into romance, Jasmine Guillory writes great new-romance novels.

      Nonfiction about the BSC-and-before era that I have recommended here before: Paperback Crush: The Totally Radical History of ‘80s and ‘90s Teen Fiction (Gabrielle Moss) is a little before my time (mid-30s), but I passed it on to my late-30s sister who was a voracious reader.

   4. Does anybody remember the teen series Sunset Island? I was just thinking about that last night. I wish I could find an adult equivalent!

      1. Yes! I devoured those as a kid. If you want a fun read ABOUT all those books we read, check out Paperback Crush.

   5. Romance novels? There are tons of series depending on what you’re into.

   6. The “Ellie Jordan Ghost Trapper” series on Kindle fits this description. I look forward to each new book as it comes out.

      1. (And if I recall correctly, the first book was free, which was definitely an effective marketing strategy on me!)

   7. It’s YA, but I read “The Ivies” last year (boarding school thriller), and it scratched that itch for me. I am now on the hunt for non-gory adult horror, though!

   8. Elin Hilderbrand. I love her books for that same reason.

   9. Same-universe romance series! Jasmine Guillory, Susannah Nix, Lyssa Kay Adams, Alisha Rai, Talia Hibbert, Abby Jimenez, Sonali Dev, Lucy Parker all have shared universe stories.
      I’ve also been devouring all of the Michael Connelly Bosch books and those also have a lot of spin offs- Lincoln Lawyer, Renee Ballard, Jack McAvoy, etc.
      Outlander series
      The Philippa Gregory Tudor and Plantagenet novels
      Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer. It’s terrible but it was a real throwback to the Twilight era. But it’s absolutely terrible writing.
      The Royal We series
      American Royals series
      Tokyo Princes series (technically YA, second book isn’t out yet)
      Loveboat Taipei series (also YA, second book isn’t out yet)

      Authors who write a lot of fairly easy to read fiction; some recommendations have series, some aren’t:
      Elin Hildebrand (very light contemporary romance)
      Louise Penny (mystery)
      Jennifer Weiner (contemporary fiction with romance elements)
      Liane Moriarty (contemporary fiction with mystery elements)
      Jojo Moyes (romance, some historical fiction)
      Jenny Han (technically YA but I liked them)
      Kevin Kwan (contemporary fiction)
      Jenny Colgan (very light contemporary romance)
      Rosamunde Pilcher (fairly light contemporary fiction, some historical fiction)
      Christina Lauren (romance)
      JT Ellison (mystery)
      Stephanie Dray and Laura Kamoie (historical fiction- Stephanie Dray also has her own Nile women series)
      Lucy Foley (mystery)
      Beth O’Leary (romance and contemporary fiction)
      Evie Dunmore (historical romance)
      Jodi Picoult (contemporary fiction, sometimes mystery-esque)
      Clare Mackintosh (mystery)

10. I know this has been a point of discussion before, but as a kid who grew up in a household that gave her weird food issues, I’d never been able to put my finger on why, until I was visiting home this weekend. There’s not a lot of point to this, but more meant as a “what not to do” in my opinion.

    I was the “fat” kid growing up (I’m fine with that label – it was true). This meant I didn’t enjoy sports as much as I would have, I was definitely bullied (hello ’90s middle school), and I had a really unhealthy relationship with food for most of my life – lots of fad diets and body insecurity. I try to practice body neutrality now, but some things I noticed when I was visiting my parents this weekend that definitely contributed to this:
    – I knew I was overweight. I wanted to fix it. They refused to acknowledge it directly, only in subtle passing remarks (about buying “husky” clothing or the like). They would tell me “I’m perfect just the way I am” – I think they intended this as affirming, but it just made me feel worse – like I had to deal with this myself.
    – They would make a HUGE deal about me making healthier choices – if I went for a run, I’d get 10 questions about it – it was clearly not something I could easily bake into my life. If I made healthier food (they made lots of meat and potatoes type dinners) as a teen, they would comment that I should just eat less of what they were eating if I wanted to lose weight. This was one of the most damaging things – even to this day it bothers me when I’m visiting and go for a run and I cannot get out to door without three “oooohhh, you’re going for a run – how great!!!!!!!!” comments.
    – My mom was forever “trying to lose weight”, but never actually trying. She’d just not eat, lose 10 lbs, and put it all back on, and say she couldn’t buy clothes or whatnot until she lost the weight (still saying this, 20 years later – buy the damn sweater).
    – They’d make nasty comments about healthy weight people being “too thin” – they were not too thin, at all. I think they intended to make me feel better, but it didn’t – it just made me think they were idiots.
    – They’d put down people who cared about their appearance. I get not liking vanity, but when you’re a teen girl, you just want to be able to wear the jeans everyone else wears, and be part of the “cool” crowd, not hear your mom tell you those people suck (they didn’t suck, FYI).
    – They only kept unhealthy snacks in the house. Chips, candy, soda, etc. Every time I’d ask for something healthy, I’d be told I should just eat less of whatever they had.

    Some things that helped me as an adult:
    – I don’t diet and exercise to lose weight – I do it toward a fitness goal. Losing weight is a positive side effect, but if I get too focused on that, I fall off the wagon. If I’m training for another marathon, I have to eat to fuel my body appropriately – vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, etc. And I do better when I eat better.
    – Healthy habits are integrated into my daily life, and not a big deal. Taking my dog on a long walk, going for a run, meeting a friend for a spin class – all just normal every day occurrences.
    – Just me, but I only keep healthy snacks in the house – if I want ice cream, I can walk around the corner to get it, which I do! but keeps me from mindlessly eating crap in front of the TV.

    1. I hear you on “you are perfect how you are” being not helpful. I had a Tom Selleck mustache that I desperately wanted help to vanquish and being perfect as I was sort of cut off any need to help me since I’d already been affirmed as not needing help.

    2. For the first couple of points, all I have to say is that it seems that parents are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. I agree that the rest of the messaging is confusing and not helpful.

       The 90s were not a good time to be a teen, in terms of body image. Lots of us are downright f*cked up from that decade.

       1. If this is referring to the making a big deal out of going for a run etc, treat it like you would if a friend or colleague did it. Be curious if they want to talk about their route etc, but don’t make a big deal about it.
          I think things like not having junk food in the house, serving lots of vegetables, talking about what is healthy are a good foundation.
          If this is about the dieting talk, that was absolutely harmful and unhelpful and the ways mom talk about that to their daughters is just so damaging. My mom was permanently on some type of diet and still makes comments about her weight constantly, so I’ve tuned it out and literally cut her off every time she tries to talk about me.

          1. +1 any diet talk or messages about how being thin is better are harmful. My mom was on the other end of this: she was thin and talked about it constantly. It was always a major part of her identity. She didn’t exercise rigorously or eat particularly strictly, she was just naturally thin and very proud of it. The message to us growing up was loud and clear.

    3. I have a teen who voices questions about whether or not she is fat. Two of her aunts are very obese, so she has first hand experience with what a larger person actually looks like. We get no “ladies” magazines or ones that might mention dieting; just the Financial Times. IDK where she gets this from (and why she seems unsure of it all). It could just be that teens get “infected” by all sorts of garbage from their peers? But I swear we have tried to keep this out of our home and clearly it has snuck in (also, even if she were larger, I would not wanting her calling herself names like “fat” that I would not let her call someone else — kindness starts with the person in the mirror).

       1. Just me, but I found it helpful to start treating “fat” as just a neutral work – like “brunette”. It’s just a descriptor. Might be a bit much for your teen, but I was a fat kid. It’s just what I was – doesn’t make me any less valuable than a skinny one. For me at least, it helped remove the “value” I was placing on not being fat.

          1. Fair enough. I see it as a “we don’t comment on what other people look like” (especially if it remotely negative — John has acne, Sally has BAD acne, Lisa’s hair is oily). I wouldn’t want someone sounding like a match.com fill-in screen (Abe is skinny/normal/average weight for height/chunky/fat/obese/morbidly obese). It’s fine if you are describing someone to be helpful (my friend John who we will be meeting at baggage claim is a heavier fellow and has a beard).

             1. Re: “treating ‘fat’ as a neutral word,” years ago when I was arranging to meet somebody I’d never met for lunch, I (accurately) described myself as “blonde, short, and fat” and I thought the woman on the other end of the phone was going to have a heart attack and die right then and there from the sheer horror of it all. I guess she hadn’t gotten the “neutral word” memo.

          2. This is making me think. I have been trying to figure out how to treat my body in front of my daughter and how to talk to her. So far I’ve been doing “bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and what matters is what they can do,” but I like the idea of talking about fat/ thin/ etc as neutral terms. It’s definitely been on my mind as prednisone screws with my body shape and chemo cuts my muscle mass and leaves my postpartum belly. I can’t inure her from pop culture but it might offer an option. I am reminded of a conversation we had around shaving and presenting body hair removal as a neutral option (“some people like to keep their hair, some people like to remove it”) so the kid has the option.

       2. I don’t have kids or suggestions for how to handle your teen’s questions, but she gets information and forms opinions about weight from all over the place. Not just what you bring into the house and what her friends say. There’s weight talk all over the media constantly. Though things are getting better, there’s also often an implication that thin = beautiful, so it’s totally normal and understandable she’s trying to explore that paradigm.

          My friends are mostly in the young-children phase, but this thought that kids only believe or see what is brought into the home is baffling to me. Many of my friends keep saying “no bows” and “no pink” and “no princesses” for their baby daughters and then are confused when the daughters go to daycare or school and suddenly have a princess phase. I had very very different beliefs from most of my family from a very young age. Obviously what parents do and say is incredibly important, but the kids are soaking up ideas from all parts of culture and society.

          1. What is odd to me (teen parent) is that my kids were at home with closed schools for so long (1.5 years almost) that I pretty much knew their media and friend diet. So it must be very subtle and pervasive, like it’s in the air and water. What’s odder to me is that a lot of my teen’s friends are all over the LGTBQ spectrum and it’s still an issue, so there is no immunity to it, it seems. I guess I thought it would be less of an issue (perhaps it is) with this crowd.

             1. It may be different nowadays, but a lot of my gay guy friends actually felt more pressure on their bodies, not less. It sucks.

             2. Oh yeah, gay men are under a TON of pressure to have the perfect body.

             3. Yes to gay men facing a lot of body pressure, plus many people who are trans also have heighten body image awareness.

                But also, yes, the culture of thinness is basically in the air and water, also. It sounds like you’re being a supportive parent!

    4. I grew up on red meat, potatoes, and butter. When I went to college I lived in the athlete’s dorm (just by happenstance, I wasn’t sporty) and took advantage of the lean meat and veg-focused cafeteria. I felt so much more awake, alert, and functional at school. Then I would come home on breaks and my brains would fog, I’d feel sluggish, and my stomach would stage a revolt until I readjusted to their terrible diet. It proved for me that it wasn’t me that was in the wrong, and it motivated me to save my pennies and move out ASAP because I knew they weren’t going to change.

       1. Oh my goodness. Where did you go to college? I feel like my whole diet in college was 90% carbs and very unhealthy. Your dorm eating experience is not typical. Or maybe you are a lot younger then me and times have changed….

    5. on the one hand, I totally relate on the overly praising healthy choices – makes you just more self-conscious. On the other hand, for something like this, I try to put myself in the parents’ shoes – they saw you making a healthy choice and wanted to give affirmation. Obviously good intent. Kids don’t come with a manual, and no parent is perfect. I am glad and proud of you that you are able to step back today and choose what works for you, and that you aren’t stuck in thought patterns from adolescence that don’t serve you.

       1. +1. This weekend, we spent time with my SIL and her family. Nephew is a very picky eater. DH was toasting some everything bagels, and Nephew asked for one and ate the whole thing. Apparently, it was his first non-plain bagel. SIL was effusive with her praise for Nephew trying (and liking) a new food. Nephew seemed uncomfortable that his mom was making such a big deal out of it, and the praise, though well-intentioned, seemed like it may have been counter productive. (That’s based completely on my reading of body language and facial expressions, so I may be wrong.) I’m a parent too, and it’s so hard to know when to give affirmation and how much, and when your praise is just going to be interpreted as, “You were doing it wrong before.”

    6. Congratulations, you are a much better person than your parents.

       1. Congratulations, you posted something quick and snarky.

    7. I come from a “run your mouth about everything” family and it’s part of the reason why I don’t talk to them. The idea that maybe some opinions can be kept to themselves is foreign.

       It’s hard to explain to people how exhausting it is. I’m one of those people who has to work very hard to be on time. When I am early, it’s an hour long conversation. So I just show up late because my choice are (1) lots of effort on my part, they are passive aggressive jerks, or (2) little effort on my part, they are passive-aggressive jerks.

    8. Your parents sound like my mom! Body image from an unhealthy childhood is something I’ve worked on (I’m an early 80s baby). I wasn’t fat growing up, but my sister was heavier (not really fat per se…she is 5’10” with a square stature, big shoulders, just solidly built). Our mom was always on a perennial crash diet or trying the latest “natural” weight loss supplements. She complained that having 3 kids ruined her figure. She did Jenny Craig and gave us those meals, which are super tiny and not filling. If we were still hungry, she’d say “your stomach has to shrink, get used to eating less, then you won’t feel hungry” or “eat an apple”. She would say “a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips” which was really damaging for me and resulted in me restricting food. It makes me feel good to read I wasn’t the only one with a parent like this.

       1. I am so sorry to hear that.

          I’m about your age. At almost any time in my life before getting pregnant, “a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips” was inaccurate. Teenagers, even solid or “fat” teenagers, are not menopausal women. The techniques you need to stay lean at 50 aren’t applicable to young people!

    9. As a parent reading this it just makes me feel like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Your parents honestly sound like they were trying really hard to be supportive and positive but weren’t perfect. If you had posted that they criticized you constantly they’d be equally demonized.

       I’m an overweight woman married to a normal weight man. We have two young adult kids. One has always been thin with little effort. One has always been “husky.” I will never forget the day the pediatrician told us the older needed to gain weight so we should offer healthy but rich snacks, and the younger needed to “grown into his weight” so we shouldn’t have snacks in the house at all. OK, so two separate houses then?

       So much of it is genetic. And so many of the messages we get are external / from society.

       I got my heavier kid interested in cooking and he’s an amazing cook now, is in college and cooks all his own food and does his own grocery shopping. He is the wonder of his freshman apartment style dorm. He also hikes – 15 miles in a day is no problem for him. But he’s obese and feels terrible about it. No matter what I say to him as a parent, society is going to make him feel awful about his body.

       To OP, you are an adult now. It doesn’t do you any good to go back and wish your parents had done it differently. I’m sure they wish that too. You have to figure out what to do from here forward.

       1. Hear, hear.

       2. 15 miles in a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He can be my trainer if he wants when I finish chemo…

11. Late 90s/early 2000s rom com recs? After watching Squid Game and Succession, we decided to go light and fluffy for a while. My husband hasn’t seen many and we are working out way through classics. Hits so far have been Never Been Kissed, Keeping the Faith, and 50 First Dates. Drew Barrymore’s goofy physicality hits all the right notes. We also loved Always Be My Maybe last year. Recommendations for others?

    1. Miss Congeniality

       1. Another Sandy Bullock classic – Two Weeks Notice

          1. And While You Were Sleeping!

             1. my favorite Christmas movie!

    2. French Kiss, Notting Hill, Four Weddings and a Funeral

       1. Just an aside that for some weird reason, I LOVE French Kiss (was it just always playing on cable when I was in high school?) and it is strangely not available for streaming *anywhere*. My husband and I literally watched it on grainy DVD poorly sized for modern TVs over the holidays when we were at his parents’ place. I had missed it SO MUCH.

          1. Oh, you’ll get a kick out of this then: “It’s Day 362 of My Lockdown and French Kiss Still Isn’t Available for Streaming” https://crimereads.com/its-day-362-of-my-lockdown-and-french-kiss-still-isnt-available-for-streaming/

             A travesty!

    3. 10 Things I Hate About You
       The Wedding Singer
       Can’t Hardly Wait
       She’s All That
       Clueless

       1. 10 Things I Hate About You always and forever

    4. Legally Blonde, obviously.

       Much more recent and in the vein of Always Be…, I *love* Set It Up and cite it as one of my favourite films of the 2010s

    5. Easy A

       1. Oh yes! I rewatched this recently and had forgotten how great it is.

       2. Oh yeah, that’s a good one!

    6. How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days is my forever rom com favorite.

    7. 10 Things I Hate About You! It’s honestly one of my favorite movies still. And I don’t know if I’d call Easy A a rom/com and it’s a little later than early 2000s, but also good.

       1. +1. I’m not a big rom com person, but I love both of these movies. Though watching young Heath Ledger does sort of make me want to cry. What a loss.

          1. Yes to all of this.

    8. You have to watch the Meg Ryan classics – When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail (my personal fave).

    9. “Sabrina” remake from 95 with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond.
       First Wives Club

    10. I’m catching up on Dollface. I can’t tell if it’s good, but it’s definitely light and fluffy and I like the cast.

        1. The first season of Dollface was good but I couldn’t get through the second season. It also seems more like something to watch with your girlfriends

           1. My husband and I trade off shows and we just finished Reacher!

              He’s actually pretty well caught up on the 99s/00s Classics that I now see OP asked for.

              We did both just enjoy the MTV Legally Blonde musical which for some reason is on YouTube.

    11. I am a fan of the John Cusack movies from the 80s and early 90s. Say Anthing, One Crazy Summer, and Gross Point Blank.

    12. Recently rewatched The Wedding Planner. Also with JLo: Maid in Manhattan. Love those two!
        It’s a different vibe, but I also loved the movie Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion.

    13. Down With Love. I’m not a big fan of the genre (when people ask me what my favorite romantic movie is, I say “Point Break”) but Down With Love is so ridiculous and cute.

        1. Suuuuch a fun movie!

    14. A little more campy, but Drop Dead Gorgeous is hilarious and so is Sugar & Spice (if you can find it someplace).

    15. Squeaking in under the wire with a 1996 air date – That Thing You Do! is SO CUTE.

    16. My husband is a connoisseur of the genre and his fave is Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane and a fabulous Sandra Oh as the best friend.

        I also love Last Holiday with Queen Latifah.

        1. Oh, and it’s more recent, but we like to say that Jon Favreau’s Chef is the male equivalent of the chick flick.

           1. Oh my god what a pleasant surprise to see someone mention that movie. I absolutely love it and recommend it all the time. There’s a bit of the male gaze about it but it’s not too objectionable compared to some, and at least it’s a tiny window into male relationships. And the food. Omg the food.

        2. Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun was my style and lifestyle goal for a good portion of my teens and 20s.

    17. Father of the Bride with Steve Martin

    18. Chocolat! So much fun. And chocolate.

        1. Though be warned it has early Johnny Depp… I know some people avoid him.

12. I’m looking for a short sleeve top that is essentially a step up from a tshirt. I have supima and thicker cotton tshirts, but they still look like tshirts on camera. I’d like something washable and comfortable, but that drapes a bit more like a blouse. Banana republic has this (Dolman top), but I look awful in beige and I have enough grey and black.
    Any recs?

    1. BR factory has something similar in other colors IIRC.

    2. Calvin Klein blouses / shells at Macy’s drape nicely, don’t bother me (normally an absolute natural fiber adherent, with occasional ventures to rayon/ viscose /modal land) with their polyester, and hold up well.

    3. Boden used to have the ‘Ravello’ top that I bet you could find on thredup, the ‘florence’ top seems to be this season’s version but lucky sizes only right now it seems.
       Nordstrom has lots if you look at ‘blouses’ vs. tops.

    4. Express has some tops like this as well. I’m wearing one right now thats not quite made out of cotton and has a nice ruffle detail on the sleeve but is very comfortable.

    5. Stich Fix has tons of split neck tops that meet this description. They aren’t the greatest quality, but they’ve held up pretty well to regular washing. They look great on Zoom.

       https://www.stitchfix.com/product/items/1993778?&utm_content=&gclid=CjwKCAiAsNKQBhAPEiwAB-I5zeqx-G-ORGfa6MvZRDptKO03WaXcCxPXTavNwVY1x85i3KYoDe8SPRoCJrkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

       https://www.stitchfix.com/product/items/1135360?&utm_content=&gclid=CjwKCAiAsNKQBhAPEiwAB-I5zZXegYRVT6cB9rMsHG0cYijtMhAfeuGVBrAyS5YTrTeIZZI41sdq3BoC0tsQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

       https://www.stitchfix.com/product/items/1507004?sub_source=brand-items

       1. How did I not know you can just buy stuff from Stitch Fix??? Wow, thanks!

13. I have a thousand things to do at work today, I am so overwhelmed. Instead of actually working, I’m stuck in a 90-minute meeting watching a video about “how to unplug” because apparently our department needs instructions on how to accomplish work-life balance. Nobody seems to think actually using my work day to WORK is the way to do this.

    1. I’ve started adding an hour of uninterrupted work time every time a meeting gets scheduled. I had to go out a few weeks to find open slots in the beginning but it ensures I don’t have back to back zooms and allows me to actually get work done/think about what just got said in the meeting/actually prepare for future meetings. It also lessens the stress of just looking at my calendar.

14. Maybe a fun question for us to share -what are hobbies you’ve wanted to pick up but just haven’t gotten around to? Or hobbies that you want to try because you envy others who do those hobbies?

    Most of my hobbies are craft based, crochet, knitting, drawing etc. I feel like every year or so I get a new hobby bug, learn how to do those skills and then Im on to the next thing.

    This year I have this dream of getting into bookbinding. Theres a handful of fanfic that habe been meaningful to me that I want to make into hardback printed copies for myself (print at home with my own printer and materials, never to sell or share with anyone).

    Last year I got into crosstitch, havent touched it since November…
    Maybe I’ll get back to it one day.

    If only I had all the time in the world, the bank account, and the storage space for every hobby that sparks my interest. And a bff who wasnt so good at enabling me (love her to bits!)

    1. I’ve considered getting into watercolor painting, but the supply investment is real. Maybe I could dabble with some sort of pre-made kit, though.

       After a LONG hiatus, I’ve recently started making greeting cards again. My recent projects included Valentine’s cards (which were a hit) and cards for upcoming baby showers/new baby gifts. I enjoy the process of picking out papers and messing with color combinations. I can make it as finicky or as simple as I want. I recognized that I was missing some creative purpose in my life, and this ticks a lot of boxes for me.

       1. Check out Let’s Make Art if you’re looking for a watercolor kit. They send you a kit and post a really long instructional video on YouTube. I followed a couple of their videos early in the pandemic and really enjoyed it. The video is a group of non-artist friends who are also trying to paint the same image. It was very educational but also fun, especially if you add a glass of wine or two.

       2. Oh yeah, dabble! I just got started with watercolors over the holidays and you can do it for about $10 and it’s a lot of fun. Get a little kit, get a few pieces of watercolor paper, you’re good to go

    2. I’ll play. I do a lot of fiber craft but I really, really want to learn to sew with a machine. I feel intimidated but I’ve set a goal for myself this year: I am going to sew a garment for myself.

       1. don’t do what I did and pick a blouse pattern for your first garment that will look frumpy due to beginner’s imperfections. Maybe a flowy tunic is more forgiving. Or a skirt of course.

       2. I love sewing! My tip is get comfortable reading and following a pattern. Too many novice sewers don’t want to take the time to lay out the fabric according to the instructions and pin the paper pattern to the fabric. Sewing is definitely “measure twice, cut once”. I’ve had friends who tried sewing on sleeves completely wrong because they thought it would be easier than following the pattern instructions. Just go step by step, and you’ll figure it out!

       3. I have tried to learn to knit several times but never really got past a basic knit and purl. I don’t understand dropping stitches or knitting together or whatever the terms are.

          I started doing easy embroidery kits and those, I like. Somehow I was able to learn several stitches (French knots, outline stitch, lazy daisy) from diagrams and videos, but I can’t seem to do the same for knitting. I’m not too interested in cross stitch (I like the look of embroidery better) but there are a lot of nice cross stitch kits out there.

          1. I cross stitched as a kid and hadn’t done it in years, favoring embroidery instead. I have to say, I picked it up again recently and really love it. Less worry about tension and some patterns incorporate embroidery stiches too.

    3. Photography. I’ve always admired it as an art form, and I’d love to take a few classes and get an understanding of it. And, like most parents, I have thousands of pictures saved that I really think I could process and display, but can’t seem to get around to anything close to it. About 2 years ago, I made a whole list of on-line classes on I-phone photography I’d like to take, but I still haven’t actually done it.

       1. Oh, if you have digital photos that you wamt to display but printing is to much of a process, a digital photo frame coupd be an option. Im not sure what sizes are available now, but I had one for a while that was able to upload photos from a usb and rotate through a slide show. Im sure theres airdrop options out there now and could cut out some of the printing/display work.

          1. I have an Aura frame and love it for this. It’s super easy to add pictures.

    4. I wish I was artistic but I’m not, at all. I’m envious of people who can draw or paint.

       1. Might I suggest acrylic pouring? I had been wanting to try it because I love watching videos of it (so mesmerizing!), and I finally did and let me tell you, it’s literally the most relaxing thing ever and I’m obsessed. And pretty much every piece turns out great, very little artistic skill required! (Also, acrylic pouring is my answer to OP’s question!)

          1. Acrylic pouring is so fun and accessible. I also really love paint by numbers kits.

    5. Pyrography (wood burning). I bought the materials but haven’t made time to teach myself yet. Dutch pours — I started last winter, have all the materials and made a few interesting pieces, but haven’t picked it up in a year.
       I did pick up tennis and indoor rock climbing in the interim, so even though my artistic pursuits have stalled out for now, I’m proud of myself for trying other new things.

    6. Birdwatching. I hike a lot, and I love being outdoors. As my body ages, I know that my hikes will be more limited at some point, and birdwatching is a way that I want to extend my time outside in a way that my body will tolerate.

       1. One of my parents is an avid birdwatcher with mobility issues. Going out with their camera and tripod is their version of getting out on the golf course on a saturday. They do bird counts and citizen science reporting jist based on their backyard. Seems like a very active social media and inperson community too!

    7. I think I’d enjoy singing in a choir. I finally have a permanent position and am not moving for a few years, maybe after this wave I will find me a choir.
       I envy climber’s shapely arms, but not sure I’d enjoy climbing. A lot of sports sound neat in theory, but in reality, any requirements to drive long distances, or get significant gear, are a total turn off. I will go running, I will do a fitness class, thank you very much.

       1. Is ing in a choir and love it! We require proof of vax/booster and sing with masks. The camaraderie makes it worth the hassle of masks.

          1. Singing in a choir is one of the most fun things that it’s possible for human beings to do. I did it when I was young and loved it.

    8. Getting my skydiving license. I got 9 jumps into it and then started to get too nervy about it; it was a 2.5 hour drive away from my house and I was getting in my head too much during the drives so it wasn’t fun anymore. I just need to go do a tandem one again to get the fun part back.

       I’m not sure if this is a hobby, necessarily, but I sort of want to start a little sticker Etsy shop. I have about 20 stickers designed on canva and just love randomly making them. I have zero interest in doing any kind of social media marketing at all though, so not sure if it would be at all successful without that.

       One more – I’ve been telling everyone for about 8 years I want to start stand up paddle boarding and still haven’t.

    9. I’ve always wanted lessons in singing hard rock. I know how to sing clean and harmonize and blend (classical choir training), but I can’t figure out how to sing with compression. I could never justify the time or the money because I’m too old and tired to actually do gigs. I need my weekends to decompress.

    10. I blame youtube for this but I want to try pour painting and oddly, tile making.

    11. I want to do punch embroidery and I’d like to pick up sewing again. Other than that, I need to find a new yoga class.

        1. I suggest this to everyone but for seeing look at English paper piecing! Glue basting fabric is so relaxing then you just sew the shapes together so it’s a great portable project.

    12. I’ve always wanted to try stained glass making, where you score and cut out the pieces and attached them with lead.

        1. I’ve done this! The glasses available are absolutely gorgeous; even if you don’t sign up for a class or buy a kit, definitely window shop the supplies. I don’t remember anymore how much it all cost, but I am all thumbs and not crafty at all, but I still made some things that I kept.

    13. I really want to get into cross stitch.

        Also, I wish I had the patience to practice cake decorating. I’ve tried a few times, but usually end up with a cake that looks a hot mess, but tastes great so I consider it a win anyhow! I’ve watched all the YouTube videos, read all the articles, bought all the tools, and I still just can’t seem to get the hang of it. If I devoted more time, I probably would.

    14. I love baking and would love to branch into more complex projects. But it’s time consuming, ingredients can be expensive, and there aren’t enough people around to eat it all! Also, DH is our family’s cook, and I do the dishes. When I’m done cleaning the kitchen, I don’t want to get it messy again for my own projects!

        1. I’ll sign up for taste testing! I hate being in the kitchen myself, but I do love bakimg and cooking videos.

        2. Try the snacking cake book, they are mostly one bowl which helps from the dishes perspective. And everything I’ve made has been a winner thus far.

    15. Voice lessons – I sang in choirs and did musicals in high school and was decent. I wonder if I’ve still got it.
        Horseback riding – have wanted to do this since I was a kid but haven’t been able to swing the time and cost.
        Archery – because it looks cool as hell

    16. Could Putin just go back to posing topless and wrestling tigers or whatever nonsense he used to go and just leave Ukraine alone? I get that he’s no match for his country’s corruption and lack of opportunities, but topless Putin would distract the world a lot better. Bread and circuses.

        1. Topless Putin paintings would be an interesting hobby.

           1. LOL.

    17. Embroidery or stain glass. I went to a embroidery institute in Suzhou, China, and it was amazing–the embroidery looks like paintings (I actually have one framed in my house and you have to be pretty close to tell it’s not a painting) and I’d love to be able to do that. And then stain glass just seems cool-my mom did it when she was in her 20s and I have a few things she made.

    18. I know someone who just made a violin. From YouTube videos. It looks amazing, and sounds quite good.

        That did push me to think…. why couldn’t I try… anything?

    19. I’ve been trying to learn French on my own for several years. At this point I could get myself around France for the most part but what I’d really like to do is take some conversational course where I really have to listen to someone speak French to me at a normal pace and learn to listen at that pace. The pandemic put a wrench in that for me, because it won’t work for me with masks.

        1. Have you tried italki? You can connect with language teachers around the world who are native speakers in whatever language you’re trying to learn. Easy to find someone at a time that’s convenient for you and you can do it at home!

    20. After I graduated from college I pursued my lifelong dream of taking figure skating lessons. I competed on an adult synchro team and passed some freestyle and moves in the field tests with the goal of competing adult freestyle once I turned 25 and was old enough. Then I met my husband and that was the end of that. I’d like to start again once our daughter goes off to college, but man is it expensive and time-consuming.

        I’d also like to get back into ballet, take up kickboxing, and become a ski bum.

    21. I want to take dance classes, especially tap dance. I have no dance ability, but love the art of dance and wish I could participate. I’ve always felt too fat to be a dancer, but the older I get the more I think that life is Too Short to let something like that get in my way!

15. Reality check needed (from last week’s HPV poster): I saw a new gyn, who did a pap, which showed normal cells but the presence of HPV. The doctor told me she “needed to think about next steps.” I have had a terrible time getting through to her office, let alone her (at one point the line was busy for over an hour). I’ve also had to call to get test results–they haven’t called me. Is this normal? I’m tearing my hair out

    1. That is not normal with my nurse practitioner or midwives.

       1. And I’m so sorry, because getting good medical care is a PITA.

    2. That sounds really odd to me; not normal.

       1. To clarify – Your doctors behavior is not normal. I understand why you’re frustrated, but wouldn’t freak out about the presence of HPV.

          1. Thanks! At this point, I’m so frustrated by her doctor’s office I don’t have the emotional room to be scared about the HPV

             1. Assuming that you’re in the US, a recent law means that providers have to make test results available online within 24-48 hours (not sure exact number). All of my clinics sent out messages to that effect. Do you have access via MyChart? I would call the office and demand that you get your test result immediately. I am in a time crunch or I’d look up the law for you but it may be part of the pre-procedure cost disclosure regulation.

                And then get a new provider.

             2. Coach Laura, is it the CURES act?

    3. Not normal, see someone else. It’s pretty common to test positive for HPV and it is not a huge deal. She shouldn’t have to think about next steps, it’s not that complicated. You’d likely just need more frequent paps to monitor. I used to do every 3 months until it went away.

       1. +1,000. This doc office sucks but HPV is very common and next steps are not hard. Been there done that at least twice that I can remember over the last 20 years!

16. I’m staying at a friend’s place this week. I would like to cook them a meal. I’m not a great cook, so simple is better. They do not eat meat, but do eat dairy. We already had a hearty veggie soup one night and a pasta dish this week. (Side salads with every meal.) Any suggestions welcome! Three adults, preferably a recipe I can edit to not have many leftovers.

    1. I just recently made a really nice Mediterranean salad – chickpeas, chopped cherry tomatoes, cucumber, cilantro, red onion, olive oil, seasoning, lemon and marinated fresh mozzarella. It was delish! Maybe add some pitas and hummus to make it more well-rounded?

       1. Similarly, I made this couscous dish on Friday and it was so delish I made it again on Sunday! (Second time I omitted the cinnamon because not everybody likes cinnamon in savory dishes.) https://www.cookingclassy.com/moroccan-couscous-roasted-vegetables-chick-peas-almonds/

    2. Budget Bytes Spicy Baked Black Bean Nachos are a win in our meat/no meat household.

       1. Also – shakshuka is always delicious! Serve with pita, naan, or crusty bread and a side salad.

          1. Budget Bytes shakshuka is the best! I do usually add another vegetable (kale or spinach, mostly, but sometimes zucchini or mushrooms).

    3. Shakshouka and pita or naan?

    4. Spanakopita (even frozen from Trader joes) with an israeli salad on the side, or this mushroom recipe?
       https://smittenkitchen.com/2009/01/mushroom-bourguignon/

    5. Baked potatoes! Wash potatoes and place in glass dish. Pierce potatoes and coat with olive oil using your fingers or, ideally, a brush. Sprinkle on salt, ideally kosher or another coarse salt. Microwave 10 min. Bake 30 min at 450. Slice open and load with sour cream, bacon bits, cheese, chives (or hummus and salsa, or chili from a can…). Serve with bag salad.

       1. *remove bacon bits because they are veg; sorry!

    6. It takes some time (chopping, roasting) but isn’t hard and is very good/easy to scale – Pinch of Yum Roasted Vegetable Bowls with Green Tahini.

       https://pinchofyum.com/30-minute-meal-prep-roasted-vegetable-bowls-with-green-tahini

    7. I have an enchilada recipe that’s GREAT for this– simple ingredients, very forgiving recipe, extremely easy and everyone loves them. I’m sure this was originally some basic-b Pinterest recipe and there are definitely more authentic and higher-brow enchilada recipes out there but this one is a crowd-pleaser. I’ve made them on vacation before because it makes plenty, comes together quick and is mostly canned stuff.

       I made them last night and my husband said “I can’t believe I lived my whole life thinking I liked other foods better than these enchiladas.” I mean, I’m sure everyone just loves gooey, cream-cheesey goodness, but I swear they’re better than the sum of the parts.

       I don’t have a link because my source is a screenshot of text from my friend when I begged her for the recipe, but here it is:

       1 onion (diced)
       2 bell peppers (diced)
       Corn (canned or small bag frozen)
       1 can black beans
       1 can green chilies
       1 can Rotel tomatoes
       1 block of cream cheese
       1 c shredded cheese, plus more to sprinkle on top
       2 10oz cans red enchilada sauce
       8ish large tortillas

       Preheat the oven to 400. Heat up some oil in sauce pan or extra-large skillet. Cook the onions and peppers until soft. Add the corn, beans, chilies, tomatoes (make sure to drain most of the liquid off the canned items). Once everything is heated through melt in the cream cheese and shredded cheese. Grease a casserole dish and then pour about half the enchilada sauce on the bottom. Scoop the mixture into tortillas, fold them and put them in the casserole dish. Pour the rest of the enchilada sauce on top, spread it out with a spoon so no tortilla is dry. Sprinkle some extra cheese on top. Bake for 20-30 min until it begins to brown.

       1. I’m always looking for things to serve my “cheesatarian” son and this looks great — thanks!

    8. Joy the Baker has a recipe for olive oil braised chickpeas that is delicious and easy. It isn’t quick though (40 minutes oven time).

    9. Quiche! Makes good leftovers too!

17. My charity thrift store just received about a dozen St John’s matching sets (not sure of exact size – I think L/12-14). Probably from the late 90s. They seem to be in great shape, but we are concerned about whether they’ll sell. We had two St John’s sets in a smaller size last year that didn’t sell until our annual big sale – for less than $50/set. I know we have some thrift shoppers – any resale tips? Would Poshmark be worth it?

    1. If the stuff is black or navy, it should sell. The novelty colors and obvs SJ late 90s looks are . . . maybe harder. Having a Posh / ebay listing could not hurt if you have a person who could monitor. Or better yet, if the shop is on FB, put a post out that this is on offer at your shop — it may get some interest without the hassle of overseeing listings and shipping.

    2. SJ sells well in my area. Does your organization allow you to take it to a consignment store instead of selling in your thrift shop?

    3. Could you post it on the orgs Facebook page?

    4. Just took a look at ebay’s sold listing and it looks like many are going for about $90. With fees, the shop’s take would be less.
       https://www.ebay.com/sch/Womens-Clothing/15724/i.html?_from=R40&LH_Sold=1&_udlo&_udhi&_samilow&_samihi&_sadis=15&_stpos=60565&_sop=12&_dmd=1&_ipg=60&LH_Complete=1&_fosrp=1&LH_ItemCondition=3000&_nkw=st%20john%20suit&_dcat=63865&Number%2520of%2520Pieces=2%2520Piece&rt=nc&_trksid=p2045573.m1684

    5. The fate of these depends on what they look like. Classic sets in classic suiting colors sell to business women and the brighter colors sell in the South as church attire. I would describe them accordingly so you get hits and put them on eBay.

    6. Just sell them in the store. Ebay and Poshmark are going to have fees of 12-20%, you have to ship, and you run the risk of a lost item, a false not as described claim (super common on Ebay and very very hard to fight), a chargeback, etc. I dabble in selling on Ebay and Poshmark and I do not think the work is worth it in this case.

       Also, as a thrift shop make your money on “churn and burn”. Price items well and get them turned over. I LOVE to thrift shop and if prices are high and inventory stole, I don’t visit.

18. Can someone pls explain the Russia / Ukraine situation in a way that makes it make some sense? Like somehow if you are Russian it is part of your country (like maybe some people think this but not everyone, on both sides, and European borders are sort of arbitrary and not historically fixed)? I get that Louisiana was not always part of the US but it’s former owners are not perpetually trying to take it back. Hoping Russia has forgotten that it used to own Alaska . . .

    1. Also, can someone tell me how worried I should be about this?

       1. I generally am most worried that Russia uses these areas to test their misinformation machine. When I was in Kyiv in 2016, we were talking to a student about what was happening as Russia tried to annex Sebastopol and fomented unrest in Donetsk, and she said she didn’t know what to believe so she was just ignoring it. I heard a lot of the same in the US in 2017-2020.

          1. Additional comment to OP overall in mod, I think because it has a forward slash in it.

          2. So: Short term, I don’t need to worry about WWIII, but long term, I should be worried re: Russia’s misinformation campaigns?

             1. Hmmm. I haven’t thought about WWIII, but I could be pulling a Chamberlain. I am confident that the misinformation is already a threat to US democracy and thus the current world order. I would need to think/learn more to opine on WWIII. I’m also not sure the next war will look quite like we expect wars to look like. Security breaches, misinformation, etc. can effectively co-opt another population to your agenda. Will that happen? I’m not sure, mostly because I don’t know how well non-Russian nations are working against it.

             2. Lots of the current disinformation in the US re: election fraud, COVID, race relations and every manner of other things has Russian state origins, so yes, I’d say you’d do well to be concerned about it. It’s already here and destabilizing our democracy and society.

             3. Regarding the misinformation campaign, I would say we have been at war with Russia for years but don’t recognize it because it’s not how we have historically defined war. The history books of the future, though, will call it war.

             4. Anon at 1:35– exactly. We are so behind on our definition of security that we don’t realize that war doesn’t just mean tanks. Biden’s at least hired some people who have a clue, and I assume anyone in the military who ever talks to Israel understands (my understanding is Israel leads the world in cyber security), but I think it will be decades before the general population fully understands.

       2. The other thing that’s worrisome is that, if Russia can control all gas exports to Europe, they will gain a lot more bargaining power. This is a key reason that Obama pursued energy independence in the US, even though it meant fracking with its strong environmental downsides. HR Clinton runs through the rationale in Hard Choices.

    2. Russia’s been slowly building up its misinformation machine and testing its ability to expand since invading Georgia/Ossetia in 2008. A number of factors are at play: Russia has a dropping life expectancy, especially for men, and limited opportunity for young people, so restoring a sense of empire is inspiring for young men and helps to avoid unrest. A lot of gas pipelines run from Russia and the Caucuses to through Ukraine to Europe. Controlling those would give Russia more power with NATO and the EU. Both NATO and Russia have generally seen Ukraine as a buffer between them, but Ukraine flipped from a pro-Russia president to an anti-Russia president in 2014 (I think). The Ukrainian population, 50% of whom speak Russian, used to have mixed support for reunifying with Russia (maybe half wanted to?). That’s dropped to 20%. So a lot going on.

       1. Sources: Learned Russian in college, worked in an international organization and was close to the people who helped it expand to Georgia, lived in Siberia for a few months in the early 2010s, spent a week in Ukraine in 2016, good number of Russian / Ukrainian / Kazazhstani friends in country whose social media posts I periodically read, and I think the NATO stuff I picked up from a recent NYT explainer, which I now can’t find.

          1. OMG I feel cold just watching Dr. Zhivago and you chose to go to Siberia. I feel like I need to know more abou this.

             I grew up in the US by a lot of ex-Russians, often Jewish, who thought it was just the worst place ever. They or their parents had lived (or not survived) Stalin and all sorts of material privations and would call out all nonsense and were just jubilant when the USSR broke up. Great people; tragic history (which does not feel to be in the past at all).

             1. I also grew up in an area with a lot of Jewish (and not Jewish but otherwise persecuted) emigrants from the former USSR!

                If it helps, it was southern Siberia (think Omsk, Novosibirsk) and I left before Thanksgiving? Growing up in Chicago also helped…

          2. Oh! Here’s the explainer
             https://www.nytimes.com/article/ukraine-russia-putin.html

    3. Pod Save The World did a good episode. But basically for many Russian nationalists, Ukraine is considered an integral part of Russia, historically. And there is a significant minority of Russian speakers in the east, some of whom feel more strongly tied to Russia, while many in Western Ukraine feel more orientated towards Europe.

       1. Got it. I have been listening to Geography Now and there are a lot of linguistic minorities and cultural minorities and exclaves and enclaves all over what used to be the USSR now scattered among new countries, so I get that things can be fraught. OTOH, a border should mean . . . something? And when you put a bunch of tanks by it and just walk in and there are population centers, it’s really, really scary, like watching Neville Chamberlain or whomever just hope that if we don’t freak out the Russians will stop and there will be no next time (hint: this is the next time; e.g., Crimea). Like how bad are things in Russia that maybe this distracts people from something worse? Last week ROC figure skating drama I swear got just as much air time. [Curious: Belorussia is still a separate country and IIRC has its own language and then there is a piece of land Russia seems to have taken back just to get some water access up north where Lithuania and Latvia are.]

          1. Caveat, I’m a political scientist, but do British / territorial politics but this is a pattern. Russia will support an ethnic minority in neigbouring states, claim the minority is being repressed, and demand intervention etc. There is a breakaway region of Moldova propped up by Russia.
             Economically, politically, this can be read as a way of rallying the population. But Russia has always been very secretive about deaths in wars elsewhere, so I wonder if there is some concern that Russian political opinion can shift very quickly if death counts rise.
             But it’s horrific and I feel so badly for the Ukrainian people. Let’s start sanctioning the oligarchs now, it’s absurd they use London real estate to launder their dirty money.

             1. Right? Same with NYC real estate — how many buy an apartment (8 or 9 figures worth) for a child attending NYU (always NYU, never Columbia; does NYU have an Oligarch Outreach Office?). Like that’s dirty $ and we know it; everyone knows it.

          2. Isn’t Belorussia basically a Russian puppet state at this point? This is a country I know next to nothing about (is the capital Minsk?) and know no one from, so I could be totally wrong.

             1. Yep, definitely. And the worry is that the Belarusian leader will be even more aggressive against his opposition, see forcing down a budget flight to get an opposition leader, while no one is watching.

             2. Oh. Great.

    4. From Wikipedia: Russian America (Russian: Русская Америка, romanized: Russkaya Amerika) was the name for the Russian Empire’s colonial possessions in North America from 1799 to 1867. It consisted mostly of present-day Alaska in the United States, but also included small outposts in California, including Fort Ross, and three forts in Hawaii, including Russian Fort Elizabeth. Settlements were concentrated in Alaska, including the capital, Novo-Arkhangelsk (New Arkhangelsk), which is now Sitka.

       I sincerely hope that Putin forgets about the “formerly Russia, always Russia” he’s spouting with Ukraine.

       1. Надеемся.
          (Let us hope.)

    5. Putin does everything with impunity. Remember when he was just prime minister? And then came back as president? How many critics has he killed (not directly, but I assume nothing happens without his wanting it to)? How long before he kills Navalny? He took Crimea and no one stopped him or even complained more than a week, so why would he stop with that?

       Peace in our time won’t last so long the next time he comes demanding just one more thing. Maybe if he kills enough young soldiers in his country, some of their families will care enough to rumble? I know that the young people of other countries are treated as assets, not pawns to waste like Putin surely will.

    6. What I don’t get is how, in a world where everyone is howling over ESG considerations, anyone can do business with Russia or a Russian-controlled company (e.g., Rosneft; not a company merely owned by a vanilla Russian individual).

       1. IME experience, the howling is a lot of window dressing. Money still trumps all in Corporate America (which includes the government most times as corporate America also controls that).

19. Stylish and wise hive, what is the summer equivalent of a sweater blazer and where do you source it?

    I need something to throw over my sleevless tops in the summer, any collared woven blazer is too formal for our WFH culture yet I still need to look pulled together for clients. Are there any lighter weight knit jackets? Summer motos? Sleevless jackets in summer fabrics? What is the answer here?

    Also (or instead of): any nice short-sleeved zoom tops (not t-shirts) that can go on their own?

    I don’t know what to look for and where – please help! Caveat: it has to ship to Canada…

    1. I have a linen buttonless jacket that would look nice for summer and be cool.

    2. I switch to long sleeve blouses and shirts in summer, and dress them up a bit with accessories so I don’t look like I am heading out to work in my yard.

    3. Linen button down worn open (more on the casual end) or linen blazer (less casual)?

       1. + to linen button down worn open. This is my summer uniform.

          I am tall so a regular shirt doesn’t cut it for me. I look for a tunic length one.

    4. Rachel jacket from Kettlewell Colours
       Talbots collarless open knit or linen cardigan
       Linen cardigan from Eileen Fischer

    5. Nic & Zoe makes good lightweight open cardigans that are my summer third layer go-to. Looks like they ship to Canada.

    6. JCrew will probably roll out lighter weight versions of the Going Out Blazer soon.

20. Silly question, how do I get notifications about major weather along my commute the day before — Ideally, a warning by like noon so I can grab my computer and possibly WFH? I was caught off guard by bad weather on my commute this morning (~40 minutes turned into over an hour), but we had decent weather where I started.

    I have an android phone, if there’s an app you’d recommend.

    1. The Weather Bug app gives me a ridiculous amount of weather warnings for the locations I have saved. In your case, I’d save several locations along your commute and turn on all the notifications for all of them.

       1. +1 to Weather Bug. I also have an Android phone.

       2. +2 for WeatherBug

    2. No advice, but where do you live and/or how long is your commute that the weather along the route is that much different from where you begin? That seems bizarre to me (greater DC area)

       1. Not the OP but I commute between Baltimore-DC and it can be pretty different in whether it will snow and what the accumulation will be from one to the other. The day after the Super Bowl this year a brief snow in Baltimore affected my commute but it was clear skies in DC.

       2. Anon could have been writing about places in my northern midwestern state today and fairly often in the winter – if you’re on the edge of the snow storm you can be fine and drive into a mess 30 minutes away.

       3. Not OP, but I have an hour commute in rural PA, and for me it’s more about hills and bridges. A snow squall or small amount of sleet could be no big deal during one portion of my commute, but absolutely treacherous if I’m on the small road passing the creek and natural springs (that always freezes up) or on the no-passing road on the side of the mountain.

21. I AM SO CRANKY. The weather is awful, I’m annoyed at everyone, I keep getting phone calls, I’m know how but am tired of making my own joy, February is somehow inexplicably the longest month ever. There are good things. I can list them. But holy mother of god I’m cranky despite them today.

    Sorry for the vent. The energy just needs to go somewhere and it’s probably preferable not at my co-workers.

    1. OMG I am cranky with you. F everything. Let’s quit and go live in a spa.

       1. Deal. We have to live in the spa though so I don’t have to deal with making appointments at the spa.

          1. Co signed, the person who gets her haircut at Toni and Guy because they do online bookings.

             1. Same, I switched to the Ulta salon because they do online bookings. I have a gift card for a spa but scheduling a massage feels like a huge hassle trying to balance my schedule and their limited openings over the phone. I’m very close to just buying a package of salt spa sessions because those are way more available.

             2. I’m assuming Toni and Guy is a chain or do you live in my town?

             3. It’s a chain, unless you live in Edinburgh?

          2. Yep in the spa in a room with a fancy bed. And permission to roam the (beautiful, well appointed) grounds and visit the lovely local coffee shop and library. With room service of healthy tasty food and occasional treats. And a money tree.

             Let’s go.

             1. Went for a massage on my birthday last week.
                Heaven
                https://www.thelodgeatstedward.com/spa

             2. Ooooh and I love that park! Thanks!

             3. And happy birthday :).

       2. Me too! My mom is here which is lovely but everything is topsy turvy at home, we’ve got a few projects on the go, so it’ll be amazing by April but it is chaos now. Luckily I’ve just found out I’m gone the week that the main work is being done (new tiling in the entryway, kitchen and utility room) so at least I get to avoid that.

          1. oofdah yeah, I love house projects in the planning stages and when they’re done, but the in between while it’s happening is the worst.

             1. The worst. We removed wallpaper and had the dining room replastered but we’ll have to move all the appliances (washer, dryer, fridge, under counter freezer) in there while the floors are being done, so don’t want to paint in case we bang things up. And our dining room table is in the sunroom for some reason so we are eating in the kitchen or a tiny table? I think my husband and son are appropriating it for their model railway, and haven’t told me yet?

             2. ugh. multistep projects ugh. I do have one room – my den – that I have completely emptied and have 100% ready for paint right now. I’m supposed to do that tonight. Having paint on my to do list is cranky-inducing too, and I just need to do it because the longer it’s there the longer I’m going to be really irritated.

             3. Ugh, this is the WORST. We’re in rennovation purgatory waiting on a key piece before we can progress on a project and the dissaray that my house is in because of it is making me ragey.

          2. Ahhhhhhh that’s rough.

       3. Look up the new Icelandic forest spa on CNN! I am ALL IN.

          1. Yassss

          2. Give me that entire vibe, all the time.

       4. I am super cranky too but spa music makes me want to murder someone. I just want the cabin in the woods and no cell signal.

          1. Truth about spa music! I forgot about terrible spa music. I would go out of my way to go to a spa that didn’t plan spa music but instead played cool calm acoustic coffeehouse type music.

             1. I read acoustic as accordion and was intrigued.

    2. This has been me too! Except I am taking it out on my husband unfortunately and I don’t know how to stop…

       1. Luckily for my husband, he’s in Florida on a fishing trip and I am not texting him at all. Otherwise he’d be getting to hear about all of my very annoying co-workers who were not supposed to be in the office today but then it ice-stormed and we’re all stuck here. FIVE of them in my office earlier discussing something. FIVE people, zero help on actually finding the product that we need. One tried and failed with zero actual solutions when he couldn’t find it, so now I’m looking myself for said product that has to actually exist somewhere because we have a picture of it actually existing.

          And now my boss just stuck his head in saying they were going home and we could do whatever we felt like. I HATE DIRECTIONLESS DIRECTION LIKE THAT. Just send us all home, instead of leaving it to me to do in some non-specified amount of time. gkja;ldkjf;adlkjf;dalkjfda;lkjfdal;kjfdsa;lkjfdsal;kjfd;salkj

    3. ME TOO. I snapped at a woman at the gym yesterday without even thinking about it. In fairness to me, the situation was a little ridiculous (she was looking for a vague “something” in one of the lockers and insisted on going through mine) but I was super mean, super fast.

       1. I am right there with you. Normally I have a higher-than-average patience level with dumb situations but I am just right on edge with you for the past few weeks.

          1. It’s so nice to know it’s not just me!

    4. Me too. So cranky. I snapped at a woman at the gym yesterday when Normal Me would have apologized for no reason and helped her look for the vague “something” she insisted could possibly be in my locker.

       1. I would not be cool with that either, so solidarity.

    5. I’ve had what I call the a-hole magnet stuck to me lately. I attract the a-holes, and I mean all of them.

       Last week I was trying to deal with something I bought on Mercari for like $30 that hadn’t shipped after a week and Mercari kept sending me automated messages that I should request a cancellation from the seller. So I did, and at first she said she had shipped it but the fed ex service she used didn’t offer tracking (?), then after another few days she sent me two tracking numbers, one for UPS and one for USPS, that looked like links but didn’t work, and Mercari kept telling me the item wasn’t shipped and that I should request a cancellation. So I did that and then the seller lost her sh1t on me, told me “you will be sorry for speaking to me this way” and the item finally arrived and she left me a negative review all IN CAPS and with !!!!!!!! all over it saying I was a scammer.

       The reason I tell this story is that I very stupidly let all this get to me. Like it really bummed me out, I know it shouldn’t have, I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it was so frustrating. I finally waded through Mercari’a automated help options and asked to get the rating reviewed, and to their credit they took it down. But now there’s a crazy person out there with my name and address so….

       1. Ughh that raised my blood pressure just reading it. You just gave so many chances for her to not be an a hole.

22. Any tried and true remedies for a dry flakey scalp? It’s definitely dry, not dandruff. Lots of conflicting info on the internet. Thanks!

    1. I use a shampoo scrub which helps. It’s a salt scrub, a UK brand, but it does help if my scalp is really dry when the weather changes.

    2. I suggest a multi-pronged approach.

       1. Remove the dead skin. Depending on how much you have or how bad it is, there are a few options. You can use a scrubbing shampoo, or literally just scrub with sugar in the shower. There are also various scalp massage tools that can help if you only have a little bit. One method I used to use when I had a tooooonnn of dry patches was to use a fine toothed comb to scrape against my scalp to remove it before a thorough shampoo in the shower. This was tedious (had to section hair all over my head), gross (flakes everywhere!), and caused some raw patches that burned a bit when washing, but it was extremely effective. Whichever method you use, you will probably need to do it more than once.

       2. Introduce moisture back to your scalp. This should take the form of oil. I tried a couple different drugstore items, ultimately finding that a scalp oil containing tea tree oil was great. I dabbed some on my finger, then onto my scalp. Again, very tedious, and kind of gross. Your hair will probably be a bit greasy afterwards. Would not recommend doing in the morning before work if you’re working in person. You will also need to do it after every wash for a bit until your scalp is healed and seems moisturized.

       3. Maintenance. I found a shampoo containing tea tree oil, which I slather on my scalp and rinse after I wash with my regular shampoo. I also use sulfate free shampoo and conditioner. Not sure how much that matters, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. In the long run, you also need to avoid getting things on your scalp, which can cause buildup and irritation (e.g., just wash your hair instead of using dry shampoo).

    3. I have straight hair and am 40 years old. In the winter, I use Aussie Miracle Curls Co-Wash, which I learned about here. I can find it at Walmart. It’s a cream type product rather than a foaming shampoo. But it keeps my scalp from itching all winter long.

    4. I like the Sachajuan scalp shampoo and conditioner. They also have a scalp scrub but I have not tried it.

    5. Carina organics! I had the worst dry scalp for years and their products completely solved it. No particular kind as the formulas all have clean ingredients so I just pick whichever scent tickles my fancy

    6. Avoid styling products, if you use them.

    7. The brand Curls makes a “blueberry” scalp oil that I first found at Target. It tingles and soothes my scalp. It’s oil, obviously, so I put it on at night or when I know I am showering soon. (Oil any time would be fine for some hair textures, but looks greasy on mine.)

    8. I find that if I avoid using really hot water on my head, that helps a lot. The other thing that has helped this winter is to wash at night, and wrap my head in a towel for half an hour or more. I watch tv or read and just let my scalp soak in moisture from the higher humidity. Good luck! This winter has been just awful, it seems so much drier than usual.

       1. Sorry, I’m not OP :)

    9. I never considered flakey vs dandruff. How did you figure out which one it is?

    10. Either quit blow drying, or start blow dryng if you don’t. For some people the hot air dries the skin, and for other people the lingering wet irritates the skin.

23. I’ve had an amazing friend for over half my life (we’re both 32). On paper she has it all (went to HBS, ivy undergrad, has prestigious consulting job, became a homeowner on her own at 30, etc.) but deep down shes only followed this path because her parents forced her to and shes constantly comparing her life to her other high achieving friends. We’ll have long discussions about how she doesnt like her career path/is always chasing prestige instead of what she wants but ends up back on the hamster wheel. Its similar when it comes to dating – she’ll date these men who are very successful on paper but end up treating her horribly (it was way worse in our 20s but shes still drawn to these guys now).

    Any recs on being a supportive friend but also setting boundaries? Its been really hard to watch her make the same choices over the years that clearly arent making her happy.

    1. I know a lot of people just like her.

       I have a friend who has two siblings and all are lawyers. Her parents are both lawyers. Both sets of grandparents were lawyers. I kid you not.

       My friend has a good head on her shoulders, but she says…. “In our family, you become a lawyer, and then you figure out what to do with your life.”

       It is very challenging when you grow up with a set of pressures/values with ongoing parental pressure. Honestly, most do not break out of it! You have to decide you want to change, and often get outside help. In my experience, outside help is either therapy or a tragedy in your family situation… Terrible health diagnosis, early death in the family etc… that forces you to take a careful look at your life and reassess what is really important to you.

    2. I grew up in a similar family, and went through quite a bit of therapy to get over it, but here’s what I’d say: she needs to figure out what she DOES want before she figures out if she needs to change anything (except the men, the men are a problem). There’s nothing wrong with having a prestigious consulting job or preferring partners who have similar income potential. It becomes a problem when it’s making her unhappy. The only way she’ll be able to figure out changes to make in her life is to figure out what she wants her life to look like. That’s not something you can do for her. I find it helps to just listen and say yep, got it a lot.

    3. If her parents have pushed her that much, she may not know *how* to change, only that she’s unhappy where she is. Is she open to therapy? I wonder if she would respond to some of Brene Brown’s writings on living authentically, since it sounds like she is not living her authentic self.

       But as for what you can do as a friend? If you think she’s open to it, you can remind her, gently, of the patterns you’ve seen in the recent years and that you only want her to be happy in her long life. Or you can just be there and listen. My friends have listened to me gripe about similar things off and on for years – good friends support but don’t push, and you can do that for her (within your own boundaries of course).

    4. Am I reading this correctly that she likes to complain but does not want to actually do anything to change it?

       This is gong to sound harsh. I am nothing but sympathy for people whose parents put a lot of pressure on them, but she is 32 and has a prestigious degree and financial security. If she is unhappy, she needs to change what is making her unhappy (and has the ability to do that). But she also needs to realize that (1) the grass is always greener and (2) the only person responsible for her happiness is her. She is an adult and it is time to stop blaming her parents for “forcing” her” into her current life. I have friends like this and one regular question: “Are you venting or do you want to talk about solutions? Because if the former, I am happy to listen and if the latter I am happy to brainstorm but I need to know which one you need.” And then if they SAY they want to change but never do, I start cutting them off. Because they do not want to change. They just want to be unhappy and continue to blame outside forces. And if they admit they just want to complain I listen to a point and then ask if continuing to obsess over things they do not want to change is making them happier. And then I change the subject.

       I run out of patience for this kind of thing pretty quickly and have lost friends over it. But I can only sympathize with people who created their own circumstances, have the power to change those circumstances but refuse to actually do it while constantly complaining about how none of it is their fault for so long. Your spouse has cancer? I will listen to you vent forever. Your parents has dementia? Ditto. You hate your job but are not even looking for another one? You have a medical issue but refuse to actually go to a doctor or explore solutions? You keep dating the same guy with different faces over and over again despite knowing he is not good for you? Then I am going to call you on it and eventually cut off the complaining because it is not helpful or productive.

       1. THIS

       2. This was harsh but I needed to hear this lol. While we are good friends we did grow apart for a period during our 20s because of the “dating the same guy with different faces over and over again despite knowing he is not good for you” phase and I had to set some hard boundaries. I also think her perception of herself/what she even wants in life changed a lot when she got to business school and fell into the comparison trap. I’ll definitely take your advice about how to navigate these conversations in the future!!

24. DH is in a funk about life, work, kids, etc. and is still struggling with resentment the fact that an unplanned pregnancy resulted in DD #2 (she’s…one and a delight), an upcoming work milestone which he feels he’s obliged to do, etc. I know a huge part of this stems with his own issues about being a parent, but he’s had time, therapy (and can continue), a supportive spouse/family support (my response is to always just keep a safe space to listen and give him the space he needs), and these funks still happen. And even pre-kids, these spells would happen where he just felt like everything sucked and he was the victim. I’ve realized he’s just not the type that can roll with things as easily as I can, and that’s just part of who he is…but he’s changing and trying in his own way.

    I’ve gotten to the point (Yay therapy) that I realize I can’t make anyone happy. This was a journey for me, and it is still VERY hard for me not to internalize and blame myself. He will bounce back on his own time, but tips for my own self-care/sanity maintaining while he does? I’m super busy at work, so leaning hard into ending the day with a good book, finding the joy with evening parenting (which can be chaotic but so much laughter), etc. Would love to hear from others that have dealt with these waves with their partners.

    And typically I love him and our life so I’m not trying to divorce, so kindly keep scrolling if you feel the need to type that.

    1. You could be describing my partner. Generally I just have to give him space, lean into my own self care, and repeat “this is temporary this is temporary this is temporary” in my head until it gets better.

       1. Oh, and “this is not my fault”. One thing has helped is that we do roses and thorns before bed (a high point of the day, a low point of day) and then each person says a thing they are grateful to the other for and rates their distress on a scale of 1 to 10. Sometimes he shocks me by being like “I’m a two!” when he grumped around the house all day but then is feeling better. And the thorns are pretty consistently about work or sleep, not me, so that helps me to remember there are lots of potential causes for his moods, and I’m not the sole cause of his happiness/unhappiness.

    2. Is he on medication? This bouncing up and and down mood wise is not a way to live… for him OR you.

       Sounds like it is time to sit him down and tell him how this is affecting you.

       Mood stabilizers can be amazing!!!

    3. This is so rough! Hugs to you. Sounds like you already have this approach down, but I’d recommend reading the book “Codependent No More.” It talks about how to disentangle yourself from your spouse’s feelings/what they’re going through and focus on taking care of yourself.

       Some things that help me: meditating, journaling, yoga, cute workout videos. Talk to people you love about what’s going on and your feelings so you can get some grounding around it. Call some friends you haven’t talked to in a while.

       Also – there can be an impulse with sulky partners to try and overcompensate (i.e., taking on more of the parenting responsibilities or household chores to try and lighten the load on your partner). But this is a sure-fire way to lead to overburden yourself and potentially create resentment down the road. Even if it feels counter-intuitive, let your DH watch the kids even if he’s in a mood. He’s an adult and you are allowed to have boundaries and care for yourself.

       1. +1.

    4. I think part of it is you and part is him. How can he decrease the impact if his funk? That’s a separate battle from just not being sad. And one I think marriage counseling could help with.

    5. I would have zero and I mean zero tolerance for the father of my children being resentful about one of our children existing. Therapy stat, and honestly I would consider separation over this.

       Do not indulge him for one more second in this because your child is going to know this. It will come out in subtle ways but it will come out. Do not let your child be raised by someone who thinks she ruined everything by being born. It’s monstrous.

       1. Yes this. He and you need to be treating this like a crisis not a funk.

       2. Sounds like we are wired a bit differently, but I do appreciate this take.

          His issue is with us as a couple and his own identity when it comes to DD #2 vs. DD. He’s great with DD, and has said (and acted accordingly) that he just wants to be the best version of himself for her. If he were to act any other way towards DD, that would be different.

          1. I’m sorry that makes no sense. He’s great around the DD that he doesn’t resent?

       3. +1, this. Adults can have feelings about their kids behavior/needs/etc. but you never, ever put that back on your kids. My parents made my chronic, lifelong (but very mild!) illness all about them and how awful it was for them, how expensive, how inconvenient, etc. etc. Guess who keeps those parents at arms length and is then treated to whining about ‘I don’t know why you never want to see us’ etc. etc.

          1. I’m sorry to hear that, anonymous.

       4. Agreed. And cant imagine tip toeing around, and accommodating such man.

    6. Posted above but also – has he tried to interrogate his own resentment surrounding kids? Resentment can often come from erasing your own role in a situation. It takes two people to create an unplanned pregnancy and it sounds a bit like he’s treating it as something that’s “happened” to him. Obviously fixing this is not your side of the street, but it’s a helpful reminder that he ISN’T a victim in the creation of his own life and letting himself be responsible for his own feelings/moods/actions is really healthy.

       1. THIS. He is the one who helped create a kid – you didn’t do it on your own and DD#2 didn’t create herself.

    7. Definitely sounds like he needs a good antidepressant in his life. I am the partner in my relationship that is prone to “funks” aka times where my major depressive disorder takes front and center. Things improved dramatically when I finally found an ssri that worked for me. Sadly, I am now pregnant and a medication I need makes it so that I am not able to take the antidepressant until delivery. I am now in one of these “funks” which makes me feel like maybe I should never have had kids, I can’t handle my life, I’m trapped, nothing will ever improve, etc. This is decidedly NOT how I feel when I have my depression well managed. It hurts me to see that people still see others with mental health issues as “monstrous” as the commenter below characterized your spouse.

       All this to say- encourage him to commit to finding a medication that works. If he’s been in therapy and these waves that affect him and the rest of the family keep happening, he needs something more.

       1. It’s monstrous to allow your child to be raised by someone who resents their existence. That was directed at OP.

          1. To me it will come down to whether a medication will make those feelings of resentment go away. Like I said, I and many others with depression will have (secret, shameful) thoughts about how we never should have had kids because it’s all too hard. My kids will absolutely never know I have felt that way, but I have. When my head is in the right place, I see that I’m actually a really, really good mom. I may keep a messy house and feel overwhelmed, but I am doing a pretty great job at parenting and I still have those feelings when I’m in a “funk.” It would be monstrous to take my kids away because I secretly cry about these feelings in the shower. OP never said her DH treated his kids badly because of his feelings of resentment, she just said he goes through periods where he feels like everything sucks and he is the victim. That’s standard depression stuff and if a medication controls/eliminates those feelings I think he will look back on the feeling of resentment and see it was the depression talking.

             1. Yes but he has to actively work on fixing it. This is what I mean by zero tolerance. You don’t tiptoe around it and say “I can’t fix it” and then let him take it out on the kids.

             2. Thank you for this nuanced take. I don’t fully appreciate the “separate!” posts because, then what? He has solo parenting 50% of the time? That’s supposed to resolve his resentment and be healthy for all parties? He has said multiple times that he never wants DD #2 to know how he has felt, and that his priority is our DDs. His behavior has never indicated that he doesn’t love DD #2 or loves DD #1 more. This is DH sharing his secret, shameful thoughts and I’d rather he shared them with me (and/or a therapist) than elsewhere.

                I think he needs recognize the pattern (which more therapy and/or a SSRI could help, but that’s on him, I can suggest. I know a SSRI has been a huge game changer for my anxiety). I think once this recent fog lifts, I’m going to say as much – that having this type of resentment 2 years later isn’t reasonable, and it fits a larger pattern, and he needs to identify how to work through it and I’m here to help, but that ultimately he’s in charge of his perception/reality.

             3. Literally nobody is telling you to separate? I think you’re just interpreting what you want to to get preemptively defensive.

       2. OMG nobody ever said people with mental health issues are monstrous.

    8. Does he understand that he has these funks? What is he doing to address them?

       My husband has similar “funks” (and to be clear, I’m quite confident that it’s untreated clinical depression and anxiety). About a year ago, I told him that he had three choices: he could go on medication, he could see a therapist, or he could exercise. But he could not continue to just passively ride out his depression, punishing everyone around him. He decided to exercise, and it has made a huge improvement in his mood. He works out (running or on the Peloton), really hard, 7 days a week, and it has changed him in so many good ways. And for me, it made a big difference to know that he was focused on this issue and managing it, instead of passive.

       Finally: both of your daughters will definitely know that Daughter 2 is the less loved child unless your husband gets a handle on this. If he can’t get treatment for himself, he needs to get treatment so he doesn’t profoundly screw up his relationship with both of his daughters and their relationships with each other and you. Families work in systems. You don’t have bilateral relationships that are independent; every relationship is impacted.

       1. Thank you. This was so spot on. DH had gotten into a really good exercise routine which has fallen off since he’s been in the office more (with WFH, easier to pop out), and he seemed to be in better spirits then. I do think I’m going to copy your framing with the three choices, and also make it clear about DD #2 – that until he gets a handle on the resentment, there’s a chance that it can manifest (and to be clear it hasn’t as of yet – he said he feels this way “some days”, but I don’t want to wait and watch.)

          1. From Anon at 4:08: I am totally rooting for you. It is so hard to deal with a spouse with untreated mental health issues. Please post again and let us know how it goes.

       2. Thank you. This was so spot on. DH had gotten into a really good exercise routine which has fallen off since he’s been in the office more (with WFH, easier to pop out), and he seemed to be in better spirits then. When this fog clears, I do think I’m going to copy your framing with the three choices, and also make it clear about DD #2 – that until he gets a handle on the resentment, there’s a chance that it can manifest (and to be clear it hasn’t as of yet – he said he feels this way “some days”, but I don’t want to wait and watch.)

    9. I understand you don’t want to leave him, and it makes sense to me, so I don’t ask this unkindly: isn’t the real risk here that he leaves you? You’re both in therapy, you’re leaning in at work, putting a lot of energy into just getting the kids through a routine … it sounds like a whole lot of work and guilt and no joy.

       1. It’s late, so I don’t know if you’ll see this – and thank you for the reply. Maybe it is a risk? We had a go/no go type of conversation when things were at their nadir last year and they have really improved for the better, many days feel like a complete 180 from where we once were. We’re not in therapy right now (separate or together) but have done both in the last two years. There is definitely joy (gardening, date nights, laughing, snuggles) but once he gets into these funks it tends to go out the window. Last night, for example, we both sat on the couch and read while sitting close and sharing a blanket (which I consider joyful). Tonight, he came home 30 minutes ago, and I’m working – he showered, said a few words to me, and then after asking if I was okay went down to eat dinner (I ate with our kids). I would have loved a hug and kiss but I also could have gotten my butt out of the chair to do so.

25. Can anyone comment on the fit of Rag & Bone jeans? I’m eyeing a pair but have larger hips/thighs and a smaller waist, so interested to know if they’re worth a shot or not.

    1. The fit varies by style. Which style are you looking at?

       1. The Dre Loopback Boyfriend Jeans

    2. I find their size chart to be accurate though some washes run larger than others. I have a similar body type and find the Dre Low Rise (they’re not THAT low) Slim Boyfriend insanely flattering.

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