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Updated: Feb 21, 2022 273 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wharton Striped Cashmere Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman (head cropped out) wearing a colorful striped cashmere sweater and black pants, holding a white bag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Loro Piana is the gold standard for cashmere, and this striped version is just making me smile. If you want to be a walking rainbow on a dreary day, this is for you.

I would pair this with a pair of basic black pants and a white oxford shirt underneath, because you can’t compete with the colors here.

The sweater is $1,950 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes XS–L. A couple of more affordable options are from Nordstrom ($69 on sale; lucky sizes only) and La Ligne $275; XS–XL). Two alternatives in plus sizes are from Talbots ($24 final sale; plus X–2X in stock and plus petite X–3X) and Caslon ($41; 1X–3X).

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. A.

    I’m a sucker for anything rainbow but this is way beyond my budget!

    Looking for some travel help: our family of five (with three kids ranging in age from 6-12) will be spending four full and two half days in Moab, UT with the goal of seeing Arches and Canyonlands, plus maybe some river rafting and general hanging out. We’re going the first week of April and I just realized that I need to purchase timed entry tickets for the parks…and I have no idea how to plan for that. If you’ve done this before: did you just randomly pick morning times to enter the park? Is there some more scientific method? Do you have tips for newbie national park travelers like us? I’d be grateful for any advice you could share!

    • Anon

      No one has done this before, it’s a pilot program for timed entry. Yes, you should try to get earlier morning times, but no big deal if you don’t – there’s still plenty to see in an afternoon, and you can book multiple afternoons in a row so you can still see the parts of the parks you want to.

      If you can’t get AM tickets, try Moab area stuff (hike to Corona Arch – it’s outside the park), set up your river rafting for that AM, or visit Mill Canyon Dinosaur Tracksite (free! Tons of dinosaur tracks! Cool for kids and adults!)

    • Anon

      Back in 08, 09 Ellen was on other known blogs and boards, including I think ATL. At the time, it was pretty clear that it was a dude trying to pose as a woman (poorly) and was always put into compromising situations with the “manageing” partner. They eventually got bored but some reader here was so tickled with the character they kept it up. There was a marked change in tone after a while even though the classic spelling mistakes stayed the same

  2. Asking about Ellen

    I was stuck at home all weekend with a sick kid so I killed time reading posts from 2015. I starting reading this site regularly during the pandemic so I don’t know the history with Ellen. I found many of her 2015 posts to be funny and several that were heart felt. Whatever happened with her – any recent updates? In 2015 she was thinking of starting her own firm and had an ex named Alan. And what was the deal with her writing style – just trying to be unique/funny?

    Also, it was neat to see some familiar names posting in 2015 like Coach Laura and Senior Attorney. Lots of others like THK, wild kitten, Killer Kitten Heals who don’t seem to post by those names anymore. Just for fun – does anyone post anon now but was a familiar name from back then?

      • Anonymous

        Same. People were mean and put together way too much about my life from comments and I just stopped using a name.

      • anon

        +1 I no longer use the user name I consistently used for years after some nasty comments pointed at me specifically.

          • funny

            +1

            I was surprised how harsh people can be. And they still can be…

            I remember once I asked for recommendations for a gift of a coat for my brother and people started jumping on me … who do you think you are, his mother? … YOU are ruining men by turning them into man babies…. Nice. When I was posting on a fashion site with a fashion question. It made me cry actually, and try to justify myself by revealing how my mother died very young etc. People just really have no idea, I think, and anonymous website bursts of text are so often misunderstood. Maybe one of the reasons I really hate texting and prefer speaking to people instead.

            The funny thing is that I got put on hold by this site a few years back for complaining about the influx of ads that were crashing my (cheap…) phone and making scrolling really unpleasant.

            I just use Anon or random words/names of the day.

          • Anon

            You have to wonder what is going on jn someone’s life if they get their jollies being a mean girl on an anonymous message board. Do they post that ish and then reflect on what a badass they are? I don’t get it.

      • Anon

        Same here. I got creeped out by people trying to figure out who people were IRL.

      • Anon

        Yes, I’ve been reading for over a decade and now just use Anon after a creepy experience.

        All I will say is that there are people out there with waaay too much time on their hands. And I say this as someone who has been commenting on a fashion blog for a decade.

    • Anon

      Yes, I used a pretty consistent/known handle then and I’m now just anonymous. I’ve been here since… 2009? Earlier? There was an increasing trend mid-2010s of people calling some of us regulars out by stringing our stories together from over the years. The anonymity just didn’t feel quite as anonymous as I’d have hoped for, so here I am.

    • Anonymous

      I was a familiar name back then but someone started becoming obsessed with my comments so I switched to Anon.

    • Anon

      Ellen could be offensive if you didn’t read her as comedy. I concur with someone’s assessment at that time that “she” was most likely a comedy writer or a team of comedy writers trying out their material. Possibly or probably male comedy writers. She got tiresome. Some reader also ran a blog analyzing Ellen’s comments.

    • Anon

      I’ve been reading here forever. The old group of regular commenters were open and honest and shared a lot, and it was a great community! But there were a series of “I know who you are in real life” that started freaking people out. And there was a wave of plain meanness that drove a lot of regulars to use Anon. And then the proliferation of Anons started feeding this cycle of meanness due to lack of accountability (in my mind.) And here we are today! It is still a great community and I love that so many are wiling to help a stranger with career, travel, fashion, and relationship advice. I have learned so much from those who are willing to share. I contribute some here, but share a lot more over at the mom’s page under a regular handle.

      I think that someone was just asking about Ellen & Kat said that she regularly posts, but doesn’t get out of mod much. She definitely added a… vibe to the place. :) And is where “just say fooey and move on” came from.

      • OP

        Oh yikes – that is sad to hear that people started calling people out and guessing who they were in real life! And such an interesting theory about Ellen! I was starting to get invested in her story and wondering what she was up to now – her writing style was so unique that I guess it doesn’t surprise me it may be a professional comedy writer!

        • Anon

          I don’t think any of it was real, it was just weird. I never saw it as trolling or funny, just kinda a meh attempt at something.

          • pugsnbourbon

            +1 Ellen was never a real person. No idea what she was, but she was not a real person.

          • Anonymous

            +1 The ellen comments always seemed, to me, like someone trying VERY hard to be . . . something. But there was such a huge amount of effort put into them, and they merely came across (to me) as tedious. Not annoying, not trolling, not funny, not interesting . . . just very tedious effort.

        • TDS

          I’ve come to the conclusion that Ellen must be mentally ill after seeing that post that Ellen still comments (everyday?) when they don’t even get posted … it would not be normal to keep at with such dedication after all this time. There’s no feedback coming for that “comedy” writing, you know?

          For what it’s worth, I never found her funny & her shtick was very repetitive.

          • anonymous

            Agreed – she wasn’t funny, and sometimes the things she would say were just so outlandish and played on lots of very old/sad stereotypes (getting promoted to partner like 2 years after graduating because you let one of the guys in charge grab your butt and the other is your dad, for example). I don’t miss them, but I haven’t read for maybe 2 years and just now coming back, and I was wondering whatever happened to her, too. Strange character.

      • Anon

        The tumblr account mocking comments freaked me out a little.

        I have to say, I think the world would be a very different place if “people knowing who you are” were the solution to meanness. Even online, persistent user identities (reddit, youtube, etc.) don’t really keep people from being rude or mean (not to mention real life identities, like Next Door or Facebook!). I think this site does pretty well (though I appreciate it requires interventions from Kat at times).

      • Kat G

        Yep – every post has an Ellen comment. We only approve them after about 10 days and try to pay better attention to what topic she’s commenting on. (One of my VAs reads her comments more thoroughly.) I don’t understand “her” but she’s consistent. Still worried about her tuchus and upset over Alan (from years ago I think, no new drama), visiting (sister?) Rosa who I think now has a child. I think the managing partner is still mentioned.

        • TDS

          Oh, the “manageing” partner. Is there a reason not to just ban her? Like why spend any time on this & it would probably be healthier for her to move on (or just say Fooey and move on)?

          • Kat G

            We tried banning her and she kept changing IP addresses. Plus some people like her. So she’s in the archives if you want more Ellen content.

          • TDS

            To be clear, I do NOT want more Ellen content & think posting her at all is a big mistake (in part because she’s clearly unhinged, in part because it’s boring, sexist garbage).

          • Anon

            I like her. I went back to check for late comments on one of my posts asking for recommendations and was delighted to see E. had comment en

            I kind of put people who hate her in the same category as people who b1tch about people posting on topics they don’t like – just keep scrolling, hon, don’t take it so personally.

            If we’re going to police people, maybe the wanna be cool girls who think it’s some sort of sport to go after named commenters like Lauren, or posters who think it’s helpful to tell everyone they disagree with that they have “anxiety.” (I was being sarcastic there, I know they don’t think they’re being helpful.)

          • Ses

            I said I had some affection for her before I knew she posted on literally every post. And also didn’t realise the has bugged people who were going through a really hard time.
            I always thought she was just an AI bot being trained on our comments.

    • Cat

      I think the majority of us tired of Ellen’s “humor” quickly. In a reader poll a few years ago that was one of the questions.

      I go back and forth between using my usual name and going Anon. I’ve been posting for too long to do anything else when asking things that are more identifiable to IRL colleagues etc.

    • HSAL

      I’ve cycled through a few names over the years, so basically anon but trying to avoid the thread confusion of everyone being Anon. But yeah, there was a fair amount of harassment toward some regular posters. I especially miss wildkitten and hope she’s still around even if anonymous.

      • Bonnie Kate

        I really appreciate you picking different usernames, the anon thread confusion is real.

      • Anon

        I used to do the same, but getting constantly hung up in m0d got tiresome, so I gave up.

      • Kat G

        I actually know WK in real life (we met around 2016, randomly). She’s doing well and we’ve talked about her guest posting here. Not sure how often she reads the comments.

    • Monday

      I’ve been here since 2009 I think, using this name since about 2010. I’ve been called out by Anons who obviously kept track of my comments over time, but I have an advantage in being in a totally different field than almost everyone else, so I’m pretty sure nobody knows who I am or could realistically find out. I feel a lot freer posting here because it’s not a place anyone I know IRL is likely to be.

      I have told a few people IRL what my handle is, and I don’t mind them knowing. If my ex-husband ever reads here and sees me trashing him, that’s fine too! I’m never speaking to him again but he’s free to know what I think of him this way :D

    • Bonnie Kate

      I switched usernames. I used to post under a different name, then didn’t visit/post for a couple years (nothing to do with the site), and when I came back there was a frequent poster that was posting under a really similar name. Instead of sticking with my original name and confusing everyone I just switched to a different random name.

    • Mouse

      I have had a number of aliases over the years, but like HSAL up thread I always try to use one because otherwise it gets confusing with everyone in a thread being Anon.

      • emeralds

        Same. Been here since 2010-ish. I don’t post as much as I used to but I’m still here!

    • REAtty

      I just want to say that I appreciate this website so much. I’ve been reading since 2010 or so when I was still in law school. I never posted until last summer when I was so depressed and dejected in my current position (while also overwhelmed with two young kids under three and wondering if I really had the guts to potentially make a risky but potentially fulfilling move) and I was dumbfounded (in the best way) by the amazing heartfelt feedback I got to my post. I’m getting tears in my eyes now just thinking of how it felt to read them while I sat at my desk so confused about my future that day. It’s nice to know that real people exist out there that are supportive when you’re working somewhere that feels incredibly unsupportive.

    • Atlanta

      I have read regularly/occasionally commented for 10+ years, but I also switch up my handle for the same reason others site. I think it is a real shame comments aren’t more heavily moderated here, because I think moderation actually fosters a stronger sense of community (Cup of Jo is a great example of not allowing just anything in the comments).

      • Anon

        I hate the COJ comments myself, it’s an echo chamber not a conversation, albeit with something thoughtful here and there, but I wait foe her round up of comments. I’d much rather see disagreement, which you get here, than everyone saying the same thing. I don’t think there’s a respect issue here, fwiw.

        • Bonnie Kate

          Agree – I don’t love heavily moderated comments. I stopped reading the comment section of several blogs because they are echo chambers of praise and agreement. For me it’s useful and interesting to read perspectives that aren’t always agreeable and nice and carefully worded.

        • Anon

          Agree – the COJ commentary is so bland, all a very similar type of person saying things that are pretty basic. She has a wonderfully successful blog but it’s definitely very carefully crafted to show curated (paid) content in an inoffensive way vs fostering meaningful engagement. I’m not trying to knock it, I think she has some interesting content, but it’s a different style.

        • Anonymous

          Agreed, I like the Cup of Jo blog but the heavily moderated comments section feels like an echo chamber to me. People here can be rude at times but generally I feel like the tone is pretty good for a random space on the internet where people are posting anonymously, and I like that it’s more real than many places.

        • Anon

          COJ is the bizzaro blog to this one for me – I read COJ for the content only, skip the comments except for the ones recapped in the actual blog, and here I skip the content and go right to the comments for the unfiltered discussion.

    • anon

      This is so interesting! I have wondered about the occasional mysteriousness that seems overly cautious, and now I see there’s a history there. Or here.

      Not identifying one’s industry (“think construction-marketing adjacent”) or location or those elaborate made-up jobs (“head of teapots” or whatever) and so so many other things about which I thought “who cares–what can anyone do with this information?”

      Now I see!

      • Anon

        The short answer is that it’s cumulative.

        Years ago, someone read through 70 blog posts of mine, and, with what would seem to be innocuous pieces of information, identified me. Any one piece narrowed it down to a thousand people, but not many people fit the bill for all of those things.

      • Mouse

        The other thing I do is change details that don’t matter for the question at hand. If I’m asking for advice about a situation concerning myself and my younger sister, boom, I refer to her as my brother.

      • Anonymous

        I have a different career here than many (marketing adjacent), but I vividly recall during the 2009-ish timeframe posting about having a migraine at work and not being able to stay late/work overtime because of it at times and got a really creepy ‘I know who you are and we all gossip about you at work’ comment.
        It was like, ok, first of all, am I the only professional woman in NYC with migraines? To be fair, LOTS of commenters immediately came to my defense and called it out as SUPER creepy and threatening. I went anonymous after that time as I didn’t need the stalker-y gross doxing even if all I was doing was posting about work/wedding planning/general early 20’s woman stuff.

        • Anon

          I am so sorry that happened to you. What happened to me was similar but in a dm (after I posted a burner email for someone else to contact me.)

          That person had put A LOT together about my life. I should have lied more, in hindsight.

    • anon

      I’ve been here for quite some time. Back in the day, women on this blog had some strong opinions about red shoes, and whether or not this blog should be accepting of women who were not attorneys. Oh and the handbag wars. There were also a few members who liked to post things that had subtle racist overtones that I just couldn’t abide by. I had a screen name that I used, but someone started making nasty comments in response to a lot of my posts and I gradually just stopped posting. I still lurk on a regular basis.

      • Anon

        Subtle racist overtones still happen! Let’s bring back the handbag wars and drop the racism.

      • Anon

        Some crowds skew more racist than classist; I was not prepared for the amount of classist judging among people who are generally horrified of racism (in general, as an adult).

        I don’t remember specific handbag wars, but the wars of should you have a handbag hook to carry with you. Those were good times.

        • anon

          LOL. Oh, there were intense discussions about how expensive a bag you could carry and what brands were appropriate in the workplace. Those were the days!!

    • Sunflower

      I miss Bunkster. She and I have very similar tastes in books and I got several good recommendations from her.

  3. Pesh

    For a 2/22/22 celebration my office is having tomorrow, everyone is bringing in a potluck snack or drink that combines two things (ex: brownies swirled with peanut butter, brookies, etc.). Any ideas for what I should make? We’re a small office (8 people) do quantity isn’t an issue.

    • Anon

      Olive tapenade and goat cheese, eat with triscuits or pita chips. Warm a bit in the microwave but very high return on not a lot of skill or effort.

      • Anon

        Along the same lines, salsa dumped over a block of cream cheese is a surprisingly good spread for crackers. I think some people also use jalapeño jelly in place of the salsa.

    • anon

      Peppadews stuffed with goat cheese. Peppadews are sweet peppers with just a hint of heat and are usually on a grocery store’s olive bar or near the olives.

      • anon

        Also, as a PSA, wrapping a goat-cheese-stuffed peppadew with prosciutto is also delicious. To really amp it up, you can take that bite and pan-fry it or deep-fry it for a few seconds. But that’s not in line with OP’s theme and would alienate anyone who doesn’t eat pork.

    • Anon

      I feel like I’m missing something, is 2/22/22 anything more than cool dates on the calendar?

  5. Have suit, will travel

    Work travel is starting up again! What are your tips and tricks? I’m also looking for recommendations of good suits/business formal clothing for travel.

      • Anon

        This. Get yourself one of those roll-out travel toiletries bags that you can hang in the hotel bathroom. I always opted for duplicate makeup too. Maybe travel/sample sizes? I never unpacked this bag when I traveled, just refreshed prior to each trip.

      • MND

        Also duplicate cords & portable battery pack for smaller devices.
        Good suitcase(s) in the right size(s) for your trips. For example, I have different suitcases 1 day/1 night suitcase, a 2 days/2 nights, and longer.
        Knowing your travel style is also important… for ex, I work/review documents on the front end of a work trip but often travel home after a full day (deposition, mediation, etc.) so I want to read a book or otherwise unplug on the way home. I always bring my kindle so that I can download book(s) in transit.

        • Cb

          Yes, I’ll work in the airport but the plane is for reading. My flights are short though and are on a hen/stag do route so often rowdy. It’s not worth it to get out a computer or try and settle to work.

          • Anon

            I used to regularly fly across the country (US) and gave up doing anything on my laptop due to sudden, forceful seat recliners in front of me.

            For me, airplanes are for non-serious reading or movies. I make no apologies!

        • Mouse

          And make those long cords. I travel with:
          – a dual USB plug containing a long iPhone charger and an Apple Watch charger
          – my power bank, with an ‘octopus’ charger attached to it, which contains all the connectors I need on a regular basis.
          Usually a small single USB plug with a standard 3ft iPhone charging cable in it too, for desks and trains.

        • Anonymous

          This. I have a soft sided duffle for 1-2 nights, but use different ones for 2-4 nights work travel or 2-4 nights personal travel. I also keep a kindle charger in my work bag as being stuck without a book is my personal nightmare.

    • Anonymous

      Save the minis you get from Sephora for business travel. Buy some low heeled shoes, block heels or wedges, that can survive rough city streets. Clothing with stretch is your friend, stretch knit tops instead of blouses and suiting with stretch and no lining. Summer weight wool is actually summer weight in some parts of the country.

    • Anon

      It’s been so many years even prepandemic that I’ve needed a suit for anything on a business trip. I used to take a couple pairs of pants (one real material and a dark jean), a couple of tops and always a casual one too, plus blazer and a few accessories and that gets me through a week. Plus comfortable shoes, as others noted.

      • Anon

        By this comment, I more mean make sure you need business formal before investing in it for travel, so much of the world was casual before and I don’t see it getting formal again. If I had to get a formal wardrobe, I guess I’d look into MMLF as one of the places that I think sells stretchier material, but I’ve been very disappointed in their quality in the past. Formal clothing is much harder to pack lightly with. If you can get away with it, I’d do dresses over suits too, less jackets and they pack a bit easier.

        • Anon

          I can’t wear a DVF wrap, but have several prints of the same shift dress in the silk-jersey material and it does not wrinkle. I have some OG MMLF and it also travels well if it is the washable material (the less-expensive dresses — I have the Etsuko in a couple of colors (but sadly, my pre-pandemic size)).

          • Anon

            The style is “Achelle” from DVF and it’s not new, so it’s just on eBay and Posh, which is great b/c you can get them for ~100ish? I like it b/c I am really high-waisted, so often real waists don’t hit me in the right place. It may not go to the most work-formal events, but I have worn it to speak in and works for anything in my life short of needing an outright suit.

            There is one print that looks like Pac-Man.

            It has pockets, but I’d recommend keeping them sewn shut if yours comes to you that way. It was a great dress — sorry they didn’t make it in more prints or revive it.

    • Anon

      Mine is take way less than you think you need – I pack in a very small carryon (the smallest away bag for a week). 2 bottoms, 2 tops, 1 dress and 1 well chosen jacket will take you everywhere in mild climates. I pare down beauty routines to the most necessary and take makeup in a tiny bag and only my “biggest bang” toiletries (for me that’s my good dry shampoo and styling creme but never shampoo/conditioner). I do take a large tote for all the little extras and slip in a small cross body for evenings. One pair of work shoes, wear casual and comfortable shoes on the plane. iPad with Kindle for reading. Basically pare down to the barest essentials. Toss in a scarf and earrings to mix up a look and hide a stain. See also a statement necklace. People focus on your face more than pants or tops, so I also mix up hair (one day down, one day in a bun) to look like there’s more variety going on.

      • Anonymous

        Don’t you sweat? Two tops and a dress for an entire week and a flight home would have me feeling gross, especially if any of those days ended up in a sudden sunny outdoor eating/room that’s hot/much-more-walking-than-planned situation.

        • Anon

          Not really? I wear a cami under everything so that helps I guess, but I don’t sweat that much. If I was going somewhere humid, I’d take more but most of my business trips tended to be airport, hotel, conference room, dinner in the usually cooler evening. I just hate ruining my actual wardrobe by packing too much on a trip and find a hotel steamer (most have them if you ask) freshens up everything nicely, too, if I need it.

    • Anon

      Agree with the recs to have an always-packed complete bag of toiletries handy, otherwise you will inevitably forget something. I still have this habit of buying two of everything – one for home, one for travel – even though I have barely traveled for 2 years.

      When I was traveling 25-75%, I eventually developed a weeks worth of work clothes that I set aside for travel because they were really good about not being wrinkly when I unpacked them. Eileen Fisher crepe pants are great for this, and are as comfortable as leggings. They were great for wearing on the plane.

      • Anon

        Also, I never really packed “casual” clothes. They take up room and I never really felt I needed to change for dinners or whatever.

        One of the men in the group I regularly traveled with always insisted on changing before dinner. So we’d all have to go back to the hotel and wait for him to change into…. A tucked in polo, belted jorts, white socks, and dad sneakers (the new balance of meme fame.) No matter how nice the restaurant we were going to, Tom wasn’t coming unless he was in his jorts outfit.

          • Anonymous

            When I used to travel a LOT more I got good at flying in leggings/tunic/wrap sweater (or scarf) and then would use those leggings to sleep in, the sweater or scarf went over dresses when I was cold, tunic without leggings could be washed and reworn as an outfit on its own in a pinch, etc. I’m not quite back at that level of difficulty yet though.

    • Jules

      No business formal recs, but here are some things that live in my suitcase:
      – Fully packed toiletry bag
      – Cheap nighlight for hotel bathrooms
      – Super lightweight slippers for potentially icky hotel floors and a pair of socks for potentially cold rooms
      – Small bluetooth speaker to stream music or NPR in the morning
      – Charger box with two USB ports and iPhone and compact USB cords
      – Extra underwear, just in case I forget to pack it with my clothes for any given trip

      • Anonymous

        I bring flip flops—saves feet from gross shower tile if my company has sent me somewhere yucky—and still good to wear around the hotel room (or pool if sent somewhere nice with time),

        • Anon

          See that’s something I skip, gross floors are more my imagination than an actual health risk and I’d rather use valuable luggage space for something else.

      • MND

        Nightlight is so smart! I always feel like i’m deciding between a pitch black unfamiliar room or sleeping with the bathroom light on.

    • Anonymous

      I had (and am slowly resurrecting) my ‘travel’ drawer where I have duplicates of everything or smaller travel tubes so I just grab a pouch and go – travel size toothpaste and floss, mini bottles of my gel/shampoo/conditioner, extra comb/brush, and extra travel electric toothbrush. I also highly recommend a set of travel bottles/containers if you have a lot of skincare, I can get 6-7 steps of a routine plus shampoo/conditioner/toothpaste into my quart sized baggie by decanting. I also keep a spare computer charger, iphone charger, reading glasses, and earphones in my work bag. Basically try to set yourself up so you can grab and go. I also make a habit of refilling when I unpack – used the last bandaid in my work bag? Add more in now vs. not having them when you need them.
      Talbots, Jcrew, Brooks Brothers, and the Fold all have good quality washable workwear – I’ll dry clean blazers but dry cleaning EVRYTHING is $$ and a pain. Basic, but rothy’s and sperry loafers are still my favorites for days with a lot of walking.

  6. Bedroom Design Help

    I am purchasing a brand new bedroom set (yay). I need a comforter/sheets. We have a shedding black dog and a 3 year old, so white/super light colors won’t fly. Everything in the room is a light, warm neutral. We have a piece of art above the bed that is blues – think ocean/horizon/sky type colors on a blue-sky day. Will also need a new rug and bedside tables, so no need to match that for the time being. Headboard is the sandstone color of Joss & Main’s Hanson Upholstered bed from Wayfair.

    I know we can do basically almost anything, but that’s also kind of my issue. Ideas?

    • anon

      How about the linen duvet from PB in that pretty denim blue? Then add in pillows for texture.

      • Bonnie Kate

        Okay I was in a completely different direction but just looked up that and it’s gorgeous. I’d do that, maybe with terracotta colored sheets.

      • Curious

        We also like this Pottery Barn quilt if you’re not a duvet person: Sky Blue Stonewashed Pickstitch Cotton Quilt

    • Anon

      No color or style suggestions, but I just noticed last week that my Lands End comforter covers from 1996 (!) are still going strong. I don’t know if their quality is comparable today, but they have outlasted many other linens including some from Garnet Hill.

    • Anon

      How do you feel about woven stripes? I am thinking you might get away with a lighter color if there’s a heathered/textured/woven look (like a hand loomed style coverlet in navy and ivory, paired with navy sheets). (Personally my strategy re. spills is to get white and bleach it as much as I want, and my solution for dark pet hair is a squeegee and a pet bed on the bed.)

        • Anonymous

          I have two duvet sets from Bloomingdale’s — brand is sky, which I think is their store brand. Both sets I have are blue and white – a paisley pattern and an abstract floral. They wash like iron and don’t wrinkle. Dog has vomited on them and had an pee accident as well — you would never know. My dog doesn’t shed, so can’t comment on that. I bought both on sale at different times, and they were not too expensive

    • Anonymous

      My bedding from Ralph Lauren at Macy’s has held up really well. They often have good dark blue not quite solids.

  7. FormerlyPhilly

    Anyone have personal experience with Backroads or REI adventures or similar? Looking for an active trip (hiking biking kayaking) … somewhere in US or Canada. Reviews seem positive. Any advice? Not solo – would travel with my husband. We’ve never booked a trip like this before. We’re not looking to meet lifelong friends on this trip, rather have a good itinerary and everything planned out for us.

    • highlander

      I had a fantastic experience with Discovery Bicycle Tours, and their Scotland tour is on my bucket list. Great guides, lovely accommodations, delicious food and companionable people who enjoy being active. It’s my favorite kind of vacation, and I have two trips (one swimming, one hiking in Utah) planned for later this year.

    • Anon

      people LOVE backroads. many of my parents friends have taken multiple trips. my bff and her husband took one. my parents were scheduled to take one, but my mom got sick and they couldn’t go. my dad is still dying to take the trip one day

    • Atlanta

      We LOVE Backroads. DH and I did our first one in 2019, and promptly booked 3 more. Those got cancelled due to COVID but we have rebooked for this summer. We enjoyed our group, loved our leaders, but as you said the purpose was to have an active, no hassle vacation. All logistics taken care of, amazing food, great hotels, and very active days.

      • Ellen

        I once went on a day trip with my ex upstate, and we tried to get to a place which the computer told us there was a road. It turned out to be an old dirt road, so we rode for a 1/2 hour on a dirt road, and it was very bumpy. Fortunately, he was sober so he did not throw up in the rental car. When we got home, I took a hot bubble bath, and will not trust computer maps again. FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been on 5 Backroads hiking trips and they are consistently fantastic. I travel solo and have always found the other travelers and guides to be engaging and friendly. Their customer service is top notch.

  8. FAANG

    Does anyone here work in house at a FAANG company? What are the hours really like? Will any of them stay at least partially remote in the future?

    • Curious

      Amazon is allowing all employees to WFH if you can get to the office within 1 day if needed. We can also work from anywhere in the US for a month a year. (I’m not in house; this is just company policy.)

    • anon

      I don’t work at google, but my smaller employer is also in the Bay Area, and competing for some of the tech workforce. That’s why their flexible work policy was a subject of discussion when we shaped ours. Supposedly, google wants to bring everyone back Tue-Wed-Thu, and allow remote Mon and Fri, unless the entire team is entirely remote. Plus permission to work remotely anywhere in the world for 6 or 8 weeks each year.

    • Anon

      A close friend works for Google. They’re mostly going back, but apparently you can get permission to be permanently remote on a case by case basis. There will be salary cuts for employees who move away from the Bay Area (which I think is fair).

    • Anonymous

      Interviewed with Amazon recently (August) and they requested employees be in the office 2 days/wk (I’m in MA and they wanted me in the Seaport location which is a total PITA from my ‘burb). Anything less than that was at a manager’s discretion (and the manager I was interviewing for wouldn’t agree to put permanent WFH into the offer letter). This was also before they bumped base salaries up but that, the RSUs in place of base salary, and the frankly meh benefits was enough to make it a pass for me.

      • Curious

        Yeah, they realized pretty quickly that that policy was crap and changed it to the one I mentioned above. I think that last change was in November, but time is a bit of a blur for me.

  9. Careering

    I would like to learn more about what type of career resources are generally available at a large company. For example, do they usually pay for trainings and conferences and things or do the employees pay?

    • Cat

      There is no general answer to this. It varies by company and department. If you’re in a revenue generating area (like sales) often budgets for conferences etc are more generous than if you are a cost (legal).

      • Ellen

        My law firm pays for me to do any kind of CLE training as well as Dale Carnegie classes I will need to lead the firm as manageing partner. Also, the manageing partner said I should take leadership courses from the American Management Institute. The firm will pay for all of this b/c it would not be right for me to pay for these, which are developmental in nature.

    • Anon

      Every large company I’ve worked for has paid for things like this. In CA, if it’s a reasonable and necessary business expense, which many of these can be, it’s required. Large organizations tend to generally invest in their employees’ career growth though.

    • Anon

      Market standard in the Bay Area for mid- to late-stage private tech companies is a stipend of $1000-$2000 that can be used on anything you want.

    • MagicUnicorn

      My current company pays for any professional development or conferences they want me to take. I generally need to get preapproval, but they view investing in us as a worthwhile expense.

      My former company required me to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed later, but they would too often change their minds after initially approving things (even when it was a company mandate that I attend). So I stopped having available credit for this and started making my boss pay and handle the reimbursement request. Coincidentally, they decided shortly after that to get us company-sponsored credit cards.

  10. anon

    I learned this weekend that my kid is, at the very least, questioning his sexuality. His dad and I suspect that he’s gay but not quite comfortable with owning it yet. Thoughts on how to best support and affirm him? On a more practical level, any ideas on how to vet whether camps and youth programs are LGBTQ-friendly? (I don’t think any savvy camp manager is going to say anything other than “we welcome everyone!” but if kids are throwing around insults that veer into making fun of sexuality, are the adults going to crack down on that ASAP? It’s already happened at school. Thankfully his teachers have not put up with that nonsense, but I hate that this is still a thing. So much for Gen Z being more progressive than earlier generations.)

      • anon

        He’s 13. We live in a blue dot in the middle of a very red state. Our personal social circles are progressive, but there are definitely some more conservative views in the area.

        • Anon

          Perhaps this is cold, but one thing I’d keep in mind (I also live in a blue dot in a red area) is that the “conservative” portions might not be that much of an issue if you’re gay. Trans, they have an issue with, but I’ve generally found more red areas fairly supportive (or at least very, I don’t care – you can absolutely be a lesbian, but are you into guns?).

          • Anon

            I do agree with this — our area went to gender-neutral life partner employee benefits way in advance of gay marriage for government employees initially to help recruit female LEO and sheriff’s deputies.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            But teens (even in very blue areas) can be mean, even if the overall community is welcoming. When I taught high school in a very blue community in a blue state, there were definitely a group of bro-in-training types who still “jokingly” made fun of being gay, and a smaller number of them who bullied LGBTQ students. I know from my teacher friends that this still happens, although the school works really hard to counter it and most students are disgusted by that behavior. Adolescents can latch on to any perceived difference and use it as a weapon.

          • Anon

            Kids can be awful. I’d rather send a kid to day camp than sleep-away camp and if to sleep-away camp, the same week as a friend and try to get in the same bunk. It’s good to have an ally.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Going with a friend is a great idea. I was extremely shy as a kid and went to summer camp with a friend from school my first summer, and it really helped me be able to have fun and branch out and befriend others.

    • Anonymous

      If you have a statewide LGBTQ organization they will often provide resources. If the camp is run by a national org it’s easy to figure out which ones try.

    • emeralds

      I think the best way to support and affirm him is to assure him that you love him and support him wherever on the spectrum of sexuality he ends up landing! If there’s a PFLAG chapter in your area, I imagine they could be a great resource for LGBTQ-friendly youth camps specifically and also for you, more generally.

      FWIW, I worked as a camp counselor at a day camp in the aughts in a blue-dot-in-a-red-sea area, and while of course YMMV any queerphobic insults would have been shut down and corrected immediately, the same as they would have been in school. It might be worth asking where they recruit most of their camp counselors from, since a lot of them are going to be college students and that’s a pretty quick way to get a pulse on the vibe.

      • Anon Mom

        Re: “support and affirm him is to assure him that you love him and support him wherever on the spectrum of sexuality he ends up landing.” This. Very, very much this. Also allow him to come our (or not) at his own speed and at his own comfort level.

        My daughter came out at 13 to her friends and my family. She did not want to tell her Dad’s family because they are very religiously conservative and it would have been (to use her words) “a hassle”. I left those decisions and the extent of her involvement in the LGBTQ outreach at her schools very much up to her. She was super involved in high school and then had no interest in college because she said she was tired of being defined by it.

        Fast forward 10 years. She is now dating a boy (and has been for 2 years after having a girlfriend all through high school; identifies as bi). And I am still telling her that I love and support her and that what she tells people is up to her. Maybe she will end up married to a man; maybe she will end up married to a woman. I do not really care and it is irrelevant to my relationship with her.

        I say this because I got to know the parents of several of her LGBTQ-friends in high school. They were all supportive but several of them seemed to think that it was their “thing” and they got very caught up in ways that did not do their relationships with their children any favors.

    • Anon

      I went to Camp Bravo, a theatre camp in Southern California, many moons ago. Very LGBTQ friendly. Way back when, a gay couple operated the camp. Several boys went to the costume party in drag. I cannot tell you anything about the camp now, but I still treasure the memories.

      • Anonymous

        I think basically any theatre or arts camp will be gay-friendly, as will anything that is “progressive,” nature-study focused, or generally hippy dippy.

        • Anon

          Yeah, I live in a purple city in a very red state and our theater and arts scene is incredibly gay-friendly. In general I echo the comments that even red areas have gotten way more accepting of the LGB part of LGBT+. It’s the T that’s the big sticking point in politically conservative areas now.

    • Anon

      In my area (big SEUS city), the Y is very inclusionary and runs day / overnight camps in cool lake areas. Our UU community also runs a camp. To the extent it’s a sleep-away camp, the camp may have some rules on how people are housed / bathrooms — it is worth asking vs being unpleasantly surprised on this. Also, theatre camps can be very welcoming, but so can science-y camps (because the emphasis is on the stuff vs the person). I’m not really in your group as a parent, but my kid is on the ASD spectrum and goes to a school where many of her friends are on another spectrum with regards to identity and LGBTQ aspects of who they are — we have found that “welcoming” for one is often welcoming generally.

    • Anon

      No kids but I live in San Francisco and I’d imagine any camps out here would be very accepting (would be stunned if not). Perhaps look for camps in very blue areas? Sleep away camp is still a thing out here for my friends’ kids so perhaps just locating differently for the summer would work?

    • Anonymous

      I am closer to your kids age than most posters here so perhaps my own experiences are relevant. I’m in my 20s, so was a teen/tween in the 2000s. I lived in a veeeery liberal city as in many of my childhood classmates had LGBTQ parents, but I was still mercilessly picked on for being a ‘lesbian ‘(I’m not, I’m pan, but I digress). Kids are really mean but it’s insidious and omnipresent now a days with technology, bullying isn’t just physical violence or name calling.

    • Anon

      I agree with others that this can be regional, so YMMV, but when my daughter’s bestie came out, the only bullying she got was some kids saying she only came out to be cool.

      Just in case your point of view is based on how things were when you were growing up. A lot has changed.

      • anon

        OP here. I can see that being the case, but what’s happening now is bro-type boys walking up to DS and point-blank asking him if he’s gay. Or asking him, “Are you dating Ella? No? Oh, that makes sense, because you’re gay.” Not making fun, exactly, but clearly trying to provoke a response.

    • Anonymous

      The scarleteen dot com website is a great resource.

      A couple of low-key things you might do to support him:
      – Consume LGBTQ-friendly media and popular culture. Not like “hey DS, let’s watch this GAY movie”, but read books, watch TV and movies and listen to music that have real, not token LGBTQ characters as a matter of course in your family. You want him to be able to observe for himself that you like and enjoy and support people or characters he may or may not yet identify with.
      – Be gender non-specific if you have conversations about sex or dating or potential boyfriends/gfs. He’ll notice, and can choose to infer that you don’t care about gender, without you pushing for information.

    • Anon

      My kid is ? on the sexuality spectrum but is gender queer. We send them to a Y camp and a Reform Jewish Camp. Both have plans that parents/kid/camp fill out to best support a queer child. I have found the difference between “Everyone is welcome here” and “We love that Kid is themself and want to make sure camp is a great place to be and here’s how we do it” to be noticeable. “Everyone is welcome here” doesn’t tell me that they acknowledge the unique challenges my kid faces or that adults need to keep an eye out for signs of distress that a queer kid is more likely to experience. Maybe they do, but that’s not enough assurance for me.

    • Anon

      I’m not a member of the LGBTQ+ community, but I am always striving to be a better ally, and the JammieDodger YouTube channel has been very informative for me. He focuses more on trans issues, but also covers other LGBTQ+ issues, often through sharing memes etc. He’s informative, uplifting, very knowledgeable, and I’d say good for both parents and kids.

  11. Anon

    Looking for recommendations for running shoes that are cute enough to wear with leggings and jeans too. These wouldn’t be my every day running shoes, but would be for travel only, with the idea that I could use running shoes as casual shoes to cut down on how many shoes I have to pack.

    I usually run 3-4 miles. I prefer wearing Sauconys, Mizunos, and ASICS, but am open to any brand and have no special needs for shoes.

    I’m in my 20s and fairly fashion conscious (but old enough I’m not chasing Gen Z trends) so am picky about what I’d wear as casual walking around shoes. I’m sure Nike or another brand has something that fits the bill.

      • Anon

        Yes will be running in them. They don’t have to be the best running shoes Bc I will only be running a few miles in them and only while traveling.

        • Anon

          If you run in a neutral shoe, you’ll probably be fine with whatever strikes your fancy. If you wear any kind of support/motion control shoe, just pack your running shoes and and either deal with an extra pair or not being 100% cute for a couple of days. Shin splints aren’t worth cute.

          • Anon

            Yup. As I said above, I have no special needs for running shoes so am just looking for a running shoe that’s cute enough with real clothes too!

          • Anon

            I have been known to just move my orthotics into a cute shoe. I feel the orthotics are most of what makes my running shoes supportive.

    • Ribena

      Colour makes a big difference here. I just got a pair of Adidas Solarglide running shoes and especially in this season’s black/grey colourway I would totally wear them as standard sneakers. I also have an old pair of navy ASICS (they used to be my running shoe of choice) which I wore to summer camp last year as generic sneakers that I didn’t mind getting muddy.

      • Anon

        Yes- would only be looking for white or black in these shoes. My normal running shoes tend to be in fun colors (but even in white wouldn’t be cute enough with jeans)

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I only buy running shoes that are black and white or gray so they go with more items in the event I wear them somewhere. They look less running gear-y to me, even if they’re still running shoes.

    • Anon

      I have struggled with this exact need. The trend in fashion sneakers is white and bulkier, but with a shape that isn’t really right for running (think Vejas. I have a pair from Able that I like, but i would never run in them). So I wear basic Nikes for trips and accept that I’m not going to have the cutest street look but at least my feet will be supported. Wish I had a better answer!

    • Auburn

      I use the Nike Vomero (I think I have the Air Zoom) for this – they’re my running shoes and my airplane shoes. Super comfy and cute enough to wear with leggings/jeans IMO.

      • Bonnie Kate

        Not a runner, but am picky about sneakers – I’d wear those in black/white.

    • BB

      Nike Pegasus. They have enough support to be a proper running shoe, but are sleek enough to work as a casual shoe. I use them for the exact thing you describe where I don’t want to pack separate running shoes. They also come in all sorts of cute colors.

    • Anon

      Cole Haan has some running-style shoes that are relatively cute. I don’t run in mine but I do walk miles in them and they hold up well. A tiny bit on the narrow side.

    • Ellen

      I think Nikes are good for you. You are still young, so you will be able to look sleek with the Nike Swoosh, but wear a matching Nike Polo shirt if you want to look good. The cut is good and you need not button more than the bottom button and if sized right, you can go without a bra if you are firm and trim. If you are not svelte, then make sure you wear a sports bra with a black Polo.

  12. Anon

    I wanted to share a couple of product reviews based on recent discussions. I have no affiliation with these businesses, I paid for the products myself and just wanted to share in case this information is helpful.

    – Someone had asked about the KISS Instawave hair curler and I replied I had not taken mine out of the box yet. I broke it out last weekend and I have to say, I am in love with that thing. I have never been good with curling irons, either the traditional kind with a clamp or the clampless versions. I also have hard-to-curl hair – it’s really fine and straight. My biggest fear with the Instawave was that the spinner would grab onto my hair and pull it out of my head. But you control the spinning and can stop it when all your hair is caught up against the curling rod (and the spinner is very effective at gathering up hair, more so than I thought it would be). I budgeted 45 minutes to do my hair and I was done in 20, and had a full head of Instagram-worthy curls that, with some help from Sebastian Shaper Plus, lasted through the entire evening. If you’re already very accomplished with traditional curling irons, this may not be necessary for you, but for me it was great.

    – Flat back earrings: there was a discussion about these the other day. After having looked at them prior to that conversation, I ordered a couple of pairs from ComfyEarrings. I’ve been wearing the turquoise studs in my second piercing holes for a few days, and I really like them. They’re a good size without being too small or too big, they were relatively easy to put in (the backs screw on, and the backs are so small I thought I wouldn’t be able to manage it, but it was easier than I thought it would be). There aren’t a ton of styles available but if you’re looking for something simple, you can probably find a pair that works.

    • Anon

      I bought the nap earrings from Maison Miru that were discussed here recently.

      I’m wearing them in my second hole, since I don’t change those often (and, 80% of tjr time, I don’t wear anything in them), so I loved the idea that I can (hopefully) keep them in for a long time.

      They were so hard to put in. I had to get my roommate to do it. Between her efforts and mine, it probably took an hour to get it.

      Now that they’re in, they are comfortable. I never sleep with earrings in, but these were comfortable to wear to bed. I believe the posts are gold, so they should be ok to wear for a while. I have pretty sensitive ears so I hope they’re ok to stay in.

    • Curious

      I just finished reading Pachinko, which a couple of people (maybe Sloan and SA?) recommended. It is as good as everyone said :).

      • anonshmanon

        Same for The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo! Several people recommended that, and I couldn’t put it down, it was so amazing!

  13. Anon

    I think there are at least a few people here who’ve been to Antarctica. Any recommendations for a cruise line/tour operator? We are looking to do a relatively short (for Antarctica) trip, ideally 10 days roundtrip from Ushuaia (hoping to keep the total trip length to no more than 14-15 days). We’re looking at booking for December 2023 or January 2024 and will be traveling with my 70-something parents and elementary age child.

    • Anon

      Would also be curious about experience on any of the major Antarctica cruise operators, even if you went to a different destination. Seabourn, Silversea, Lindblad (Nat Geo), Hurtigurten, Ponant all have trips that would meet our needs.

    • Anonymous

      Went on one run by Silversea recently, it was 10-11 days, and we left from Puntas Arenas instead of Ushuaia because of pandemic bureaucracy reasons between Chile and Argentina. I really enjoyed my experience with Silversea – it’s great for the retired set (I went with one of my retired relatives and she loved it), but I don’t think they allow children, so unfortunately not the line for you. I’ve also heard great things about A&K as well.

      My only tip for an Antarctica cruise is that if you get seasick, bring the meds. Bring all the meds. We had a rough couple of days crossing the Drake passage, and it’s better to be overprepared than underprepared.

      • Anon

        Silversea allows children 5 and up on Antarctica cruises (I think even younger children can go on non-Antarctica cruises). They’re actually currently our top contender, so this is good to hear. Will definitely bring seasickness meds.

        • Anonymous

          Ah I didn’t know that about Silversea allowing kids over 5 – I was among the youngest passengers on my trip and I’m in my mid-30s…
          Anyway, things I liked about Silversea – no tipping (all inclusive), really good meals, dinner always felt fancy (mostly we didn’t dress up because Antarctica is an expedition cruise so wearing North Face or Patagonia fleeces were fine but one or two fancy meals), good lunch buffet options on the day the education lectures, and how the waitstaff learned our names and preferences within a couple of days. I’m usually a budget traveler, but my relative is not, so this was all very luxurious to me.
          Every Silversea cabin has a “butler,” but we really didn’t ask anything of ours other than set up room service once or twice. As an “expedition cruise,” entertainment was pretty limited, although I generally enjoyed the educational lectures on geology, biology, history, a couple of cooking demos, etc. There was a heated pool on the upper deck but for most of my trip it was unusable because of rough seas. The excursions off the ship were generally well organized once people got the hang of it after a couple of times. Most people obviously chose to do the excursions, but I also talked to a few of the more elderly passengers who opted to stay on the ship and just observe the scenery. I already talked about the rough seas of the Drake Passage, but I really mean it. We had ~25 feet swells, dining tables & chairs were chained down, and even though we thought we secured our luggage down, it shifted from side to side of the closet during the roughest night. A couple cabins even had their glass water pitchers roll off and shatter everywhere.

          For Antarctica in general, my least favorite was the unpredictability of weather and how one of our last excursions got cancelled right as I was about to get onto the zodiac raft because of strong winds… I mean, I knew stuff like that was going to happen and the expedition staff do keep you well informed, but it’s still a disappointment when you really want to get off the ship and explore. One last thought – I think with one kid your family should be fine, and the expedition staff do very clearly lay out flags/markers for forbidden exploration areas, but you really want to make sure your kid isn’t randomly running off, if they’re that curious sort.

          • Anon

            Thanks for the additional info. Silversea definitely has a reputation as the height of luxury as far as normal cruises go, but is (somewhat surprisingly to me) one of the cheaper options for Antarctica. What month did you go? I’ve heard December and January are generally the calmest seas, but it’s good to know weather can be unpredictable at any time and I will set my expectations (and my kid’s) accordingly. What happened when the excursion was canceled? Were you just stuck on the ship for that day or were they able to take you somewhere else with calmer weather?

          • Anonymous

            Silversea OP here again – we went first two weeks of December. Pretty early in the season but we did see plenty of flying sea birds, penguins, and whales. For cancelled excursions – they usually try to do 2 excursions a day, so if the first one doesn’t work out they’ll try to move the ship to another spot. If it’s the second one of the day, it may just be entirely cancelled if the weather keeps getting worse and they move the ship at night, which is what happened to us. Even if one excursion gets cancelled, there’s usually at least 6-10 planned, so on the whole it’s not that big of a deal. I was just really disappointed because I was already all dressed in my waterproof parka, boots, and almost onto the ladder off the ship when the PA system came on and the captain told us to stop. ;)

      • Anonymous

        Silversea allows kids. Friends took their toddler on a Silversea cruise right before the pandemic. It’s $$$$ and they don’t have a kids club or any services for kids, so you don’t see many kids but they’re allowed.

    • Anon

      A friend of mine just did this, and I don’t recall what tour line she used, but she said they book several years in advance, so you may want to go with whoever has room if you’re looking at 2023. Also, as someone who gets incredibly motion sick,I could never go – it’s apparently all on a boat, a small one and through incredibly rough waters. I’m sure you know this, but mentioning in case not.

      • Anon

        You normally book about 2 years in advance, but currently there’s more availability, I assume because of the pandemic. There are actually boats leaving this month that still have space. All the cruise lines I mentioned have tons of availability for the ’23-24 cruise season, so we have plenty of choice.

        Yep, the Drake Passage is notoriously rough. My parents and I are not prone to seasickness (when I was a child we were on a boat trip in the Great Barrier Reef and my mom, dad and I were literally the only three people on the boat besides the crew not vomiting) and my child doesn’t seem to be either, but we will definitely bring seasickness meds and prepare for some lazy days lying in bed.

  14. Anon

    Random PSA: there is a good sale on many Sue Sartor items today :) If anyone wants to shop for me, would be grateful :)

    • Anon

      I don’t need any more dresses from her, but I will say they are the most well made and beautiful items in my closet. If you’re thinking about it, pull the trigger. There’s also some newer organza dresses that would make amazing backyard wedding/elopement dresses (ahhh to do mine over again!)

        • Anon

          It’s embarrassing but I probably have 5? They’re basically my perfect dress, and I stalk her insta for sales. I also spend a lot of time in climates where they’re perfect (and add a blazer and heels to some and wear to my office (finance in SF, but funky enough dressers to get away with it). I take on trips to all hot climates, wear in the wine country all summer, etc.

    • Anon

      If anyone has the Leontine style, if you are 5-4 will you need to wear heels? It is pretty, but LONG and I am hating heels now. Maybe the Shorty-style kaftans are what I need.

    • Anon

      Chinoiserie blues or blue/white paloma? Or just get the cinnabar one that people here seem to love (thank you, archives)?

      • Anon

        The cinnabar is perfection. I posted above and it’s really versatile- dresses up well in SF and NY with a different look than how they’re advertised.

  15. Anon

    I’m the one who posted last week about a friend that was amazing in person but less present when we weren’t together. The advice everyone posted in response with was very helpful.

    Interestingly, over the weekend I reconnected with another, similar friend from my past who I had decided to “let go” since the friendship always felt like it was more on her terms. This has happened to me with a couple of friends over the years—some who I was very close with and others who were more casual but still a regular part of my life. Just when I’ve moved on and started putting the energy into other relationships, the person reaches out, says they miss me, and suggests getting together. By that time I’ve already mourned what the friendship was, but I am then pleasantly surprised that the person is back in my life in some way. What’s happened next is that we will get together and it’s nice, but I keep the person more at arms length. It’s been a good reminder for me that, as one of you said so eloquently, life is long and people come and go, but if you make space for all different kinds of intimacy and intensity in your relationships, you may be pleasantly surprised by who comes around. I’m not going to bare my soul to this person, but we can enjoy a pleasant coffee once in awhile and leave it at that.

    I’ve learned that one friend is amazing for spontaneous outings. Another is so supportive over text but is kind of weird about making plans. Another I just see in person once every couple of years but whenever I do we pick up right where we left off. Still another was a coworker who I was close with, then she had two kids in rapid succession and I figured we would lose touch, but then she moved to my neighborhood and now I see her all the time! Who knew?

    Anyway, just wanted to thank you all for the thoughtful responses. One of my faults is that I can be very black and white in my thinking, and it doesn’t always serve me well when it comes to the nuances of relationships. So thank you for helping me grapple with this and ultimately get a better perspective!

    • Anonymous

      This is such a lovely update! I had a similar journey and it is peaceful being able to accept friendships for what they are.

    • Anon

      I’m glad to see this update! I think you hit on your issue with black and white thinking – the more you can get away from that the better. I’d also toss in that sometimes baring your soul to the person you don’t see all the time can do wonders. There’s a magic that can come from a connection that’s not your every day bestie. I have a friend I see once or twice a decade, we only talk at giant life inflection points, and it’s one of my treasured friendships. I think of her as a guardian angel.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Oh that’s a wonderful update! I love your descriptions of your friends – that feels very familiar to me and very rewarding.

    • Anon

      You’re a better person than I am. I also recently got my feelings hurt by a friend in the same way, and now that she’s trying to come around again, my defense mechanisms don’t want to let her back in.

      • Bonnie Kate

        Ugh that is a hard feeling. I find a lot of time the reframing of thinking works better for the next instance, not the current one. So don’t try and fix your feelings or defense mechanisms about the instance that hurt your feelings – those are valid! But maybe if you decide to engage again you can be prepared with a different strategy for the way you think about the interactions/type of behavior that disappointed you – the preparation is where the reframing is more effective, in my opinion.

    • Anonymous

      I wanted to add this the other day and got distracted. I know a lot of folks were sort of writing that friend off. I wouldn’t. I have some friends who are much better with emotional support like breakups and such and others that aren’t that way–but have surprised me in unimaginable ways when the chips are really down. I had a cancer diagnosis this past fall, and it’s been strange seeing who checks in with me and who doesn’t. It’s not always the ones I would have thought. And some are text people and others have sent very meaningful cards. Others talk to me regularly but don’t ask a thing about how my health is. I try not to hold any of them above or below anyone else’s efforts. I truly think that people are there for others in ways that they can–and that often have nothing to do with the direct relationship. Going through a tough time in your marriage–you might not be as available to talk through bad dating stories. Someone who recently had a big promotion or who fears they may be laid off may not be the shoulder for job advice. Some people will be much more emotionally vulnerable on a call or in a card than they will ever be in day to day convos. If the person has been a friend in other ways, then I’d let it slide. And do look to your other friends (and/or a therapist) to fill the support role that you are needing.

      • Curious

        +1 on who’s surprisingly supportive with a cancer diagnosis. Anonymous, if you see this — are you the anon waiting on a scan? Been thinking of you.

  16. Anonymous

    Anyone want to style me for vacation in Scottsdale? I’m planning on nap dresses and sneakers for day time, and I’ve forgotten how to wear clothes out at night.

    • Anon

      I go to Scottsdale a lot, and the evening scene is kinda Vegas-y if you go with the local look. That’s not me, so I’d just toss in some dressier sandals to wear with the nap dress. It’s usually warm, so that plus a light jacket and you’re good to go.

      • Anonymous

        Ok this is actually so helpful. The weather forecast had me doubting whether sandals would be ok for dinners. I’m just not vegas.

        Would love any other tips you have!

        • Anon

          It’s a funny place, I’ve noticed it’s more put together but anything goes? I think you’re absolutely on the right track with the nap dress/easy to wear dress idea. It’s also so hot for most of the year, sandals are always fine. I usually just take a few dresses and flat sandals for day, heeled sandals at night. I’m from the Bay Area so hiking there is unappealing to me, too hot so I don’t pack related items. Typically just toss in a denim jacket for a slightly cooler evening look. It’s really casual unless you’re doing the Vegas look.

        • Anon

          Guessing you’re going soon, just looked at the weather, I’d still stick with sandals, sneakers probably fine too, I’d maybe do a LJ for a little more warmth and take a long sleeved layer or two. Maybe leggings and a long sleeved top. There’s no shortage of shopping if you packed wrong!

  17. Hippie

    The above conversation inspired me to pick a user name again. Just making this post to verify I’m not stealing anyone’s name!

    • Anon

      I love your user name! I don’t recall seeing that and wouldn’t confuse you with anyone else.

    • Hippies dog mom

      LOVE! Hippie is my dog’s name but he’s not mad about sharing it.

      Okay I’m using a different username for this post because that’s very identify-able, I haven’t met too many Hippie dogs.

  18. Anon

    I’m doing a no-buy on health and beauty products, but was planning to restock my face cream through Sephora anyway, to get my free birthday gift. The only one I was interested in is the Olaplex online-only set that is sold out, and now the site is saying it won’t be restocked. So…never mind.

    I’m glad I ended up sticking to my no-buy, but I have to laugh at a store offering a product that runs out 1/12 of the way through the year. They do this constantly with the birthday freebies; they may as well call them “January baby rewards” and be done with it. :p

    • Anon

      Their birthday gifts have been very meh. I was disappointed with how tiny they were for the last two years. Both times I’ve thought they’d be bigger from looking at the pics online.

      (I mentioned the small sizes on a different forum just to give everyone a heads-up, and for a lot of “omg you’re complaining about something that’s FREE” but I spend $1000 a year there, it’s not free babe)

    • Anonymous

      My birthday is in November and I’ve never had a problem. Maybe they restock periodically?

  19. Anon

    I’m glad she used “striped” instead of “stripe.” No, J. Crew, “stripe” is not a color; it’s a pattern.

  20. Anonymous

    Over the weekend, a friend of friends asked me on a date for next weekend. I really enjoyed our conversation and the way he asked me out told me he is sincerely interested. Before he asked me out, he asked my status and I told him I am “very single” as that is how I was feeling and then it came up that I am recently single. So I tried to make sure I disclosed that. But I guess I realized last night that the reality is I am in the death throes of an unresolved but likely over relationship. My BF and I never had a conversation about breaking up, we just kind of stopped seeing each other and I figured it was done and that is probably for the best. Last night he finally messaged and said he wants to talk and it brought up a lot of emotion and has made me think perhaps I am not ready to date someone new yet (e.g., if the subject were to come up, I am not sure I won’t get emotional). Do I go on this date? Do I go and disclose a little more then? Or should I call and cancel and ask to put a pin in a match with potential and hope he gives me a chance down the road? I should add that I am 40s and this is not a scenario where we are planning young lives together, cohabitating or seeing each other daily or anything,. Despite my age, this is a new dilemma for me.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      How long has it been since you and your ex stopped talking? Personally, I’d still meet up with the friend of friend for a casual drinks date. Not to harp on the age thing, but if you’re in your 40’s it may be a good idea to explore all options. That being said, if after the date you don’t feel ready to date again or still have unresolved feelings for the ex, you can always let him know then.

      • Anonymous

        Our every-day-for-more-than-a-year communication dropped off in mid- December to infrequent and then rare for the last month, mostly me asking for my things back and him dodging. I got sick in December so we weren’t meeting and then he travelled most of the month. We were trying to work on some things in November. He basically said last night he hasn’t wanted to talk to me for the last month and now wants to address it.

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          If I were you I’d cut off communication with your ex once your get all your things back and tell him you don’t want to see him anymore. He doesn’t get to not talk to you for a month and then decide to pop back into your life when he’s ready. I’d fully move on and just go on a date with this new guy!

        • anon

          Go on the date. You have the power to resolve things with your ex-BF yourself by deciding the relationship is over. It sounds like it’s been 4 months since things were good, 3 months since you were in frequent contact, and 1 month since you last spoke. You are single and free to pursue a relationship with someone who is interested in you.

          • Bonnie Kate

            +1. If you need some kind of closure, maybe just a text short straightforward text, “I’m moving on and not interested in further communication.”

        • Anon

          Your things are gone, as is your “relationship.” You do not want a relationship with someone who behaves that way, even if he reconsiders or whatever. Normal adults don’t ghost, dodge, or refuse to talk for months.

          I can’t tell you if you should pursue this new guy; I can tell you that your ex popping back up is 100% completely irrelevant to that question.

          Also, mentally say goodbye to your things. (This may not be easy – I know from experience. I never got some very personal items back after my family started being horrible to me. But my sanity was not worth it, even if “it” was jewelry gifted to me by my grandmother.)

    • HSAL

      Go on the date, stop talking to/don’t meet up with the old BF. Frankly it sounds like he heard you got asked on a date and is trying to ruin it.

      • Anonymous

        There is zero chance he knows about the date. He is not part of that circle. And while I want to agree I should stop talking to him, I am not sure I can emotionally handle the lack of resolution.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Honestly, closure is overrated (and I don’t even think it really exists). I had an ex that I lived with for two years who then moved to another country for a semester for a fellowship. We were fairly rocky before he left, but he basically ghosted me after a few phone and text conversations. I desperately wanted a sense of closure, but when I finally met up with him a few months later to talk, all it did was dredge up how frustrated I felt about how it all went down. All of this to say… go on the date if you’re at all interested, and feel free to discuss with your ex, but I wouldn’t anticipate any real resolution. Do you want to date this person who spent over a month not talking to you?

          If closure does exist, I think it comes from time and living your best life.

        • Anon

          I have had relationships that lacked “closure” in the novel/romcom sense. Ultimately, the closure is that they were men who lacked the integrity to break things off in a normal, mature manner.

    • Anon

      If you think of yourself as very single, I’m not sure what the point of talking to your ex-bf is. I would still meet up and cut ties with your ex. Explaining your past relationship to this new person would be too much. Nobody really wants to hear the gory details of their date’s breakup. Go on the date and don’t talk about it.

    • Anon

      If you’re mentally “very single” go on the date and don’t let your ex BF suck you back into the unhappy relationship. There’s no future there, you know it, and life is short. You don’t owe him anything. Move forward and enjoy your life.

        • Anon

          A guy who has you feeling very single is probably not a guy to keep the door halfway open for. I feel jerked around on your behalf just reading this.

          IMO, there is nothing to make you irresistible like having attention from a romantic rival; it’s like a cosmic signal that starts echoing through the universe.

          • Anonymous

            OP – I don’t have any hope or expectation that we’d get back together. I do need to see him to get my stuff and, hopefully, to get a measure of closure. I just don’t want this new guy to be a victim if it turns out I am not ready to date yet even though I am single. He’s a great person who does not deserve that. And we have way too many common social ties.

          • Anonymous

            Omg you’re in your 40s get it through your head that closure is a myth, get your stuff, go on a nice date with the nice man who asked you. Life is too short to ruin with your own drama pull yourself together.

          • Anon

            OP, the next guy I went out with right after a no closure dude, the next week, became my husband. Go on the date.

          • anon

            OP, if you go on a date with this guy and decide not to pursue things further, he is not a victim. He’s enjoyed an evening of your company and conversation. You don’t owe him anything but honesty, and you’re not going to break him by deciding you’re not ready for a relationship.

          • Anon

            To OP-

            You win today’s Overthinker award. Maybe this month’s.

            New guy asked you on a date. He did not ask you to marry him. You do not have to go through all of these machinations. And PLEASE do not share any of this with him. It’s a date. It’s two hours of your time. You’re single. Go on the date. Good lord.

          • Anonymous

            OP — I hear you on the overthinking. This would be a complete non-issue if we didn’t have all the same friends and a 100% guarantee that people will be invested in how this goes and we will be in each other’s company regularly no matter what. I don’t want to seem like a jerk. And I would never share the details (though he will have access to a lot of info if he wants it from others; it’s a gossipy bunch). The question was whether I should call to say I decided I was not ready to date, with no details at all. And let’s be honest — people do ask about this on dates. I know how to dodge, but that is harder if I am feeling fragile. I plan to steel myself and go, though. I’m interested.

  21. Anon

    Help me shop! I’m looking for a pair of true black jeans (not charcoal) with no distressing. I need a petite size or cropped length, high waist, slightly relaxed/straight leg (no skinnies). Under $100.

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