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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I wasn’t expecting this tweed jacket in the new arrivals section of Ann Taylor, but maybe that’s why I like it so much. After a long winter, the blue-and-white pattern looks so cheery, and I’m already brainstorming fun ways to wear it.
I’m almost tempted to snap up a dress in the same “cool azul” color for an easy outfit that’s suit-like, but definitely not a suit.
The jacket is $179 full price at Ann Taylor — $50 off with code — and comes in regular sizes 00–18 and petite sizes 00–16.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
Oh, this jacket is adorable.
Kia
I used to have this, but in a hot pink / white combo and as a skirt suit (the jacket buttoned). OMFG I loved it. I am not sure why I don’t own it any more (would be too small by now), but I am having some happy nostalgia over something I had forgotten about until now.
anon
I saw this last week and still love it. It might end up in my shopping cart, despite trying to give up clothes shopping for Lent. Ha!
Deedee
I’m sooo checked out in advance of my upcoming maternity leave (starting in 8 weeks!). Those of you whose spouses went back to work right away (mine will have ~1 week off): what is your best advice in terms of preparing ahead of time?
Anonymous
If you have no family to help you once spouse is back at work look into getting a mothers helper or baby nurse for the first few weeks. It’s a lot to take care of a new baby on your own. I got this as a shower gift from my family because they do not live nearby.
Clementine
First child? Get ALL the free trials. Audiobooks? Starz? HBO? All the random subscription services which have a ‘free month’. Sign up for all of them. With your first baby, you have a ton of time where you’re just like… trapped under a small human chilling.
Also, low/minimal goals. Like, think painting a bathroom, not repainting the whole house. I did a lot of small organization projects.
I also suggest trying to get out daily, even if it’s just a walk around the block. It really helped my mental health.
MagicUnicorn
For me, it was more like think surviving another day, not painting a bathroom.
Anon
+1 My minimal goals was just brushing my teeth every day. I could have never dreamed of painting a bathroom.
Spring babies are the best because it’s not too hot, not too cold for daily walks. That’s what I always looked forward to.
Anne-on
Ha, I considered it a good day if I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and changed my clothes! I also had a new mothers group through my pediatricians office – having that weekly touchpoint with other moms in the same life stage was really wonderful. +a million to long walks outside – my kid didn’t love sleep and even hated car rides but really loved walks outside and seemed to nap better afterwards.
Anonymous
+1. I had to go back to work early just to get a chance to eat and use the bathroom. There was no way I could have done home improvement projects with the baby at home.
Vicky Austin
To be fair, I think Clementine was responding to the “preparing ahead of time” question.
Anon
Yeah, everyone’s really misreading this. That was clearly aimed at what to do before the baby arrives!
Anon
But why would you need to paint the bathroom before having a baby?
Anon
I don’t think so…the other parts of her response (kindle books and daily walks) were clearly about once the baby as here, and the bathroom comment was sandwiched in between them.
Anon
Lots of people do last minute home improvement projects before baby comes – nesting instinct is real! I think the advice to set lower goals than normal applies to all pre-baby prep (and postpartum too).
Anon
I mean, I’ve never painted a room in my life. As far as I’m concerned, walls can stay the color they are basically forever. But based on the number of posts on here about paint colors, there are lots of people here that are into painting, and pre-baby house projects are very much a thing, in my experience. I think the general advice to be careful about taking on big projects is good. I don’t think she specifically meant that you should paint your bathroom, just that whatever you want to do, it’s probably a good idea to be reasonable about it and don’t try to do some giant project you’ll never be able to finish.
Anon
Yeah I had a pretty easy baby and I did watch a lot of Netflix and read a lot of kindle books on mat leave, but painting a bathroom sounds way too ambitious (although to be fair I’m not a DIYer and we hired all our painting out even pre-kids).
GCA
My first had jaundice, needed triple feeding (don’t do it, it’s miserable) and doctor’s appointments for weeks, and was a lousy sleeper. No bathrooms were painted. No sleep was had. I…read a lot of mindless fluffy books? It was all about survival.
Getting outside is amazing for your mental health, though! Highly recommend, especially for spring babies. Although, in spring there will be days where you get outside and sit on a bench with your iced coffee and the stroller and it’ll be great, and there might be days when you are awake to hear the dawn chorus and see the sun rise for totally undesirable reasons…
Anon
+1 on don’t do triple feeding. One of my biggest regrets is missing a lot of the first ~3 weeks of my baby’s life by going through that rigamarole. Wish we had just given up faster. Everything single aspect of having a baby got better immediately when we did.
Anon
Triple feeding is terrible. My kid was born at 10 lbs, likely because he was an early planned c-section and still weighted down by amniotic fluid – he lost just slightly more than average weight during our two days at the baby friendly hospital so I got put on the triple feed program after 36 hours. Well, my body caught on quickly (too quickly … it thought I was trying to feed triplets) so I had way too much supply and ended up with mastitis and severe dehydration. Had to be hospitalized.
tl/dr: breastfeeding can be hard, if it doesn’t work out with relative ease don’t feel bad about it and avoid extraordinary measures to make it work.
Anonymous
Comments like these are so demoralizing. Just do small projects like painting the bathroom and organizing the house! It’s a huge achievement even to take a shower if you are BFing or have a high-needs baby or don’t have a night nurse. You are sleep-deprived and stuck in a gliding chair for at least 50% of the day and night with a small creature that will only sleep while being held and will scream if you set it down for 30 seconds to pee. The idea that you should be able to do anything other than keep yourself and the baby alive (and yourself just barely alive at that) is toxic.
anon
Seriously. I hate how much pressure this puts on women. With my first, especially, I was in survival mode with a kiddo who had feeding issues.
Bette
We must be wired similarly – my first maternity leave was during COVID but pre-vaccine so we basically didn’t leave our neighborhood. I did so many random projects around the house like building a coffee table?? Not sure where that energy came from, just the thought of a project like that now leaves me exhausted.
I guess my point is, you might end up with more time and energy on your hands than you expect. Or you might be a total zombie. It’s so unpredictable and changes week by week.
Anon
Who the eff is painting a bathroom with a newborn baby in the house??
Anon
Seriously! Is that even safe? We had the nursery professionally painted when I was pregnant and I remember being really nervous about exposure to the fumes.
Clementine
Woahhhh. Respectfully, I think we need to chill out for a sec.
I’m trying to scale expectations that you should have small projects (maximum) planned. I have friends (male and female) who planned on doing major projects on their leaves and realistically, not gonna happen. Literally to the point where one was like, ‘I’m going to paint my whole house with all this time.’ I’m trying to scale it down. With my oldest, I did have a longer leave and actually did end up repainting a bathroom (which is where the idea came from).
Counterpoint: I hated freezer meals. They were the last thing I wanted to eat. Give me salads and wraps and cut up fruit and fun snacks every day, but with a baby, I wanted nothing to do with freezer meals.
Bette
Yep. I had a boss once who thought she’d get her MBA while on mat leave (in a different country with a much more generous policy than the US). That quickly went out the window!
Also – jeeze – no one is saying anyone has to paint anything. Obviously if you get freaked out over paint fumes, don’t do it… people are wired differently with different energy levels, have different babies with different needs, and get satisfaction out of different pursuits. That fact in and of itself is not toxic. Maybe the point is actually to give yourself permission to do as much or as little as you want? For some people that might be painting a bathroom and for others that might be just taking a shower once a week. Just be kind to yourself (and maybe also to strangers on the internet who might be different than you…)
busybee
Make freezer meals! I made a whole bunch the last month of pregnancy and it was really nice to have healthy meals I didn’t have to cook.
Vicky Austin
Doing this right now!
Deedee
Vicky, what are your favorite freezer meals? Especially would love meat-free suggestions, as we cook without a lot of meat at home. I think you’re due a few weeks (?) ahead of me? Hope you’re feeling well!
Vicky Austin
I am just a couple weeks ahead of you and I have LOADS of thoughts on freezer meals, ha! I have used the Pinch of Yum and Molly Yeh guides quite a bit, tried to make sure I have stuff for breakfasts, lunches and snacks too, and freeze in smaller portions since we’re not going to have more than one or two relatives in the house at any one time. Here’s a quick recap of some of the things I have in the freezer already:
-smoothie packs (adding things like almond butter, chia seeds, etc to the fruit and veg so it’s just add liquid and go)
-muffins (the superhero ones from Run Fast Eat Slow, other oaty berry ones for breastfeeding reasons, and I might make a batch of lemon poppy seed just to have my favorite kind on hand)
-breakfast sandwiches (I baked up my favorite quiche/frittata recipes in a 9 x 13 and cut them into squares, then put them on English muffins with a slice of cheese and wrapped in foil)
-extra cooked beans, rice and grains, plain or flavored somehow (I was reading Daniel Shumski’s How to Instant Pot and he suggested cooking quinoa with a cinnamon stick for “breakfast” quinoa, which I immediately did, high protein breakfast for the win!)
-Molly Yeh’s sweet potato and black bean burritos (I had to stop myself from eating the filling on these when I was putting them together the other night, I’ll post the recipe in a reply!)
-Just last night I froze a couple containers of Melissa Clark’s red curry vegetable noodle soup from Dinner in an Instant (sans noodles since it’s just written for rice vermicelli which cooks in literally 2 minutes and I didn’t want mushy noodles, lol)
-Planning to do a couple lasagnas and a pan of stuffed peppers as well (bell peppers freeze great and we like to do Mexican-inspired fillings like beans and rice which also freeze well), and maybe some banana bread!
https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals
https://mynameisyeh.com/mynameisyeh/2019/3/baby-meal-prep-guide
Vicky Austin
Burrito recipe: https://mynameisyeh.com/mynameisyeh/2019/8/sweet-potato-and-black-bean-freezer-burritos?rq=burritos
(longer reply in mod!)
Anon
https://juliasalbum.com/wprm_print/9058
This is delicious and freezes well!
Bette
Yes! And don’t overlook freezer breakfasts – I found that dinner was easier to throw together/order out, but breakfasts were tough and I was craving way more easy, filling, comforting, healthy-ish breakfast options than I had on hand. Like oat muffins, hashbrown egg cups, etc.
Also on the breakfast theme – we bought a programmable coffee grinder/brewer in the first few weeks… were using an Aeropress before that but quickly realized it was way too manual and I needed coffee ASAP in the mornings.
I recommend getting set up and familiar with some sort of grocery/supply delivery service – I signed up for the Target/Shipt service in the first few weeks postpartum and never looked back. It was great for getting a fast delivery of onesies because turns out none of ours fit, or diapers because we just ran out, or whatever. Also used it for groceries.
Do whatever you can to make basic household tasks easy to outsource to others (whether that’s friends/family or paid help). For example, making a standard weekly grocery list so someone else can do your shopping… making extra key copies so friends can let themselves in to walk your dog… labeling drawers so others can help fold and put away laundry… actually, organize and label everything you can right now. And purge, purge, purge – the baby clutter will come for you and you’ll be glad you reclaimed your space now.
Finally, one thing I did NOT do the first time around that I wish I had – if you plan on BFing, build a wardrobe of loose-fitting nursing friendly clothes. For the first six weeks, my body still was shaped like I was ~4 or 5 months pregnant so I couldn’t go right back to my old wardrobe. I also did not have nearly enough tops/dresses with easy chest access. Turns out I hate traditional peek-a-boo nursing clothes, so I ended up doing a lot of sleep deprived shopping for button downs, stretchy necklines, cowl necks, etc. I wish I had put more thought into that ahead of time to find some higher quality pieces that made me actually look and feel good, instead of ordering a bunch of random crap from dubious sources.
Hang in there – I’m about five weeks from my second maternity leave and I feel like I am just barely limping to the finish line at work. We can do it!!
Nesprin
Speaking of freezer meals, brownies freeze beautifully.
Vicky Austin
Ha yes! So does unbaked, scooped cookie dough.
Anon
Freezer meals, whether it be something premade from Whole Foods or something you make yourself.
Make sure the nursery is all set up. Get more diapers and wipes than you think you will need. One of my friends sent me a box of 1,000 wipes (10 boxes of 100) and I was like, thanks for a year’s worth of wipes. Nope, we plowed through those.
Also more than you think you will need: bottles and such if you’re pumping. It’s really hard to sterilise them frequently. It makes your life easier if you don’t *need* to set out boiling water every day.
When you go to bed at night, make sure you have enough stuff to get you through the night. I combo fed, so we made sure to have >4 clean bottles ready to go. (Not that I filled them with formula – just clean and empty, ready for use.) Changing table was always stocked with diapers, wipes, and ointment. Being up at 1:30 am, 2:30 am, and 4 am is bad enough – no need to add “rummaging for diapers” or “furiously cleaning bottles while the baby screams” to that list.
Anon
Building on this, if you’re pumping, educate yourself on options with supplies. We had a ton of extra bottles, parts and storage bags. Our ped said washing the bottles in the dishwasher was just fine and we also had a few of the microwave steam bags. Our babies weren’t premature or anything else that required boiling water etc.
Anonymous
Is it your first? My husband started a new job three days after I gave birth (was supposed to be two weeks but baby was late).
It was okay. I slept when baby slept and DH helped with the carnage of the house when he got home. He did a lot of the food prep. I relied heavily on Amazon and made sure to walk with the baby for a little each day.
Deedee
Yes, its our first! My mom lives with us, so I will have another set of hands around the house when I need them. (She’s not in great health, but I know she’ll want to be as helpful as she can.) I am indeed hoping to sleep when baby sleeps for the first few weeks; I don’t mind living in a weird and unscheduled morass during the first few weeks as long as I don’t feel like the rest of my life is falling apart!
Bette
That’s so awesome that your mom will be around – even if just for the moral support and company. Sometimes the loneliness was the worst part of it all!
Anon
I was really glad to have bought a kindle and had the libby app to have a constant stream of nursing reading.
Bette
Yes!! And maybe even pick out a few good books now and have them downloaded and ready to go, so you’re not trying to make literary decisions in the (sleep deprived) moment.
Deedee
What great advice, thank you! I hadn’t even thought about how bored I might get during cluster feeding, etc.
Anon
+1. I did a lot of reading on my 12week maternity leave. Between middle of the night feedings and when the kid insisted on napping on me on the recliner. Same with lighthearted shows you can mostly tune out and still follow along.
We did freezer meals like lasagna and some soups because I’m the primary cook.
I also made sure the house had a deep clean shortly before birth because i knew it would be bottom of the list after baby and helped with my nesting instinct
Congrats and good luck!
anon
I only read one book while nursing (Malibu Rising – can highly recommend because it was very gripping) but I watched ALL seasons of Virgin River on Netflix and Veronica Mars on Hulu. That was about the level of intellectual engagement I wanted, lol. Co-sign all the commenters who have said that you will spend a lot of time sitting trapped under a tiny human. I watched shows on my iPad so it didn’t matter where I was sitting (I did a lot of nursing in bed as I found it more comfortable).
Anon
Same, I read so much. I still remember what I read the first couple weeks of my daughter’s life (A Gentleman in Moscow) because my daughter shares a name with one of the characters.
Anom
Not about preparing ahead of time, but get a lot of walking in after. Childbirth is tough on the body (understatement). Walking is really good for healing and getting your strength back. Being outside is excellent for your mental health too. Doesn’t matter if you’re in the city or the burbs.
One of my favorite activities during leave was mommy and me yoga. Gave me a destination and purpose, good to be around other people with babies. Lactation groups are great too if you’re BF’ing. And cheaper than a one on one lactation consultant.
Grocery delivery is great too.
Anon
Make sure you have a discussion and an understanding between the two of you that just because he is going back to work and you are home with the baby does not mean that you haven’t “worked” an entire day just like he has. Honestly, this was probably harder for me to accept than it was for my husband. Also, make sure that you are both managing expectations about chores around the house and meal prepping the evening meal. Just because you are home does not mean that you will have the energy/time to do the housework and make the evening meal. Same goes for who is doing the night wake ups.
Anne-on
Also prepare him now that you will likely be handing him the baby about 2.5 seconds after he walks in the door and that you will need that time to pee alone/shower/and maybe just stare into space without a baby attached to you. If you can get really good at eating/opening doors/getting dressed one handed now those skills will serve you well in the future. And if you plan to nurse I’d buy a few straw cups and TV trays and stash them around the house so that when you nurse (and the baby falls asleep on you) you have a place for water/books/snacks. A VERY smart mom friend of mine bought 2 small shower caddies and made it her husbands responsibility to have them stocked with snacks/her water and put them by the couch/rocker for this purpose.
Anon
+100. Communication and expectations are so important to prevent falling into patterns that will last well beyond maternity leave, even for the most well meaning couples.
Trixie
Think about how to make things lovely and comfy for yourself. Buy some nice loungey clothes suitable for guests who will show up. Freezer meals, a meal train arranged by a friend, streaming subscriptions, books and magazines, well stocked up on consumable baby supplies. If possible, arrange for someone to come over so you can sleep during the day. Think about the British tradition of mom nursing at 8-9 pm and going to sleep, dad doing the 10-11 pm nursing with a bottle plus putting baby to bed, mom then gets 4 hours until 12-1 am. Join a new mother’s group.
Bette
This this this – you get your butt to bed at 9 pm and let dad do some sort of dream feed (whether a pumped bottle or formula) around 10 or 11 pm. You can eke out a good chunk of sleep that way.
Anon
Yes. Prioritize getting one good chunk of sleep a night. Even if you are breastfeeding. It will be fine! (Just get a hand pump to keep by your bed if you get engorged during a longer chunk of sleep).
Curious
+1000000000
Anon
Hire some help.
anon
I so wish I’d done this before baby. By the time time I needed help, I was too sleep deprived to sort it out. For me, I would have really benefited from night help the most. Maybe also a post-birth doula to substitute for the general help that the new mom’s mother/MIL provide in some other cultures. Not having much help saved money, but it was 100% not worth it and I would gladly not have that money in savings now if I could have made that time better.
Also, it’s good to get referrals for parent groups and a good lactation consultant who cares more about a happy and healthy mom and baby than they do about lactation specifically, possibly a therapist for PPD.
Anonymous
After working in office forever (pre Covid), I was unprepared for how lonely I would be. I’d look now for some sort of new mom group that meets 1-2 times per week. It’s nice to meet people in the same stage as you and to talk about all the mundane things that arise. But after the birth I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even think of it.
Anon
Ha, opposite experience for me. I’m a big time introvert and while of course the exhaustion and physical recovery were not easy, I found it absolutely blissful not having to interact with anyone all day and it was one of my favorite things about being on leave (also pre-Covid, probably would feel more isolating now).
Anon
Congrats! I think it’s helpful to prep meals that you can easily reheat. I made things like soup, curry, chili, enchiladas and froze them.
Anon
Time with your spouse before the baby comes – like a mini getaway.
Anon
Have a family member come if anyone is willing and you’d think they be helpful. We had my mom here for two weeks, which was a big help because my husband went back to work on Tuesday after I’d given birth on Saturday (he’s a professor who was saving his leave for the semester after I returned to work so he couldn’t really miss any class). Things change so fast postpartum that there’s a big difference between 1 week and 2. I was fine on my own at 2 weeks but I think it would have been a real struggle at 1 week.
Anon
Buy premade formula and a bottle or two, even if you’re planning on breastfeeding. Sometimes it’s hard, or you just need a break, and it feels impossible to leave the house to get something but the kid’s got to eat.
Get all the self-care stuff – pads, sitz bath, OTC painkillers
Put everything you can on autopay that isn’t already
Anon
+1 because breastfeeding may not happen or if May take a while.
If you’re in a two story house consider setting up a bed/temporary sleep solution on the first floor. You may not be ready to climb the stairs immediately depending on how your delivery goes. I’m so glad I did that.
Seventh Sister
My spouse was around for a while, but what helped when I was on my own with the baby was to have one (small) goal every day – something like going to Target, going for a walk with the baby, etc. It just made me feel better to accomplish ONE defined task even though I was doing a big task the whole time (keeping the baby alive).
Anon
My mom came and helped us prep buy a crib and decorated the baby’s room. We found a 2 week old kitten who had somehow lost his mother two months before our son was born and that was our saving grace. All the prebabby jitters were resolved by taking care of a newborn kitten.
Anan
When I was on maternity leave, getting out of the house and finding social connection really helped me. I would suggest to start researching moms groups (i joined the one at my hospital), and making lists of places that you can visit or classes you can take with a baby in tow. I really needed to get out of the house every day, and having a list of places to visit or mommy baby yoga times helped me not just stay home all day. Also once I started going to classes or group, I would find other moms who wanted to meet up outside of group and we’d go for walks or lunch which was also nice. I will say, I tried several different mom groups before I found one where I clicked with the facilitators and other parents, so that’s something to remember if it doesn’t feel like the right community for you.
Tea/Coffee
Congrats!
-surprised nobody’s mentioned baby carriers. Get alllll the carriers… moby, mei tai, structured carrier, wrap, ring sling, whatever. Try them all out with an actual baby and eventually (like once the’re walking) donate or sell the ones you didn’t like. You’ll have two hands again! And you can wear baby for a walk outside… good for both of you! I did not do this until my 2nd and really would have benefitted from a few carriers with my first. They grow so quickly and needs change and bodies are different – that’s why there are so many kinds.
Make a little tote that holds a water bottle, kindle, power brick for your phone, burp cloths, bf stuff if you need it, and SNACKS. You will find yourself trapped under a sleeping baby and not want to move, but hungry. Or your phone is dying. Or you are bored. Alternately, just stash all of those things everywhere around your house.
Your job during mat leave (esp in the first few weeks) is literally to keep the baby and yourself healthy, and help your body recover from pregnancy and birth. So eat yummy things, and sleep, and brush your teeth, and do whatever hits the spot emotionally. Anything else is a bonus.
Anon
Stock up on healthy easy snacks
Plan to meet someone or have an errand to run every day and take your time with it. I had a networking group where some of us were on maternity leave at the same time and we met weekly for lunch and it was huge. Go through your contacts and figure out who will have time and the willingness to have lunch / coffee / walks with you and the baby and make sure to schedule several of those a week. I met up friends and coworkers most days like this; did museums and zoos and any other walkable place; and when the baby was old enough that I felt comfortable with potentially crowded indoor places, I did all of my shopping in person. It’s crazy what a trip to Target will do for your mental health after weeks of being at home with a baby! Having to get dressed and walk and getting outside the house for more than an hour every day was HUGE.
Figure out some pretty drives you like. My kids were great at napping in the car and so a long drive with a podcast was quite a lovely escape for me.
Figure out what helps you most with your spouse. Our first didn’t sleep through the night for a looooong time and had terrible reflux. For us, surviving that period meant I handed the baby to my husband when he got home at 5, went straight to bed, and I would take over again when my husband crashed usually around midnight.
Get the names and contact info of potential babysitters and night nurses so that if you need more help than you anticipated you have somewhere to start.
If you can, set up a nice outdoor area. I had a nice blanket, little enclosed play area, and sitting area for me on our deck. It was haaaaard to have the baby awake before the sunrise….but it was magical to be on the deck every day for the sunrise, sipping my coffee with my baby next to me. Any change of scenery helps! I also scoped out parks in my neighborhood for places where I could lay out in the grass with kiddo; again, changes in scenery are huge and much better than being stir crazy and trapped.
SMC-San Diego
This may be too late to do any good but I am going to chime in here anyway:
Your baby will be your baby and your experience with being a new mother will be your experience. There is a tendency for people to assume that everyone has the same challenges they did and to make absolute statements about what it is like. And the people with the worst experiences tend to be the loudest. For the sake of your mental health, I suggest planning for complications and difficulties but not expecting them.
My suggestions:
Find a lactation consultant who does house calls if you are planning to BF. Your OB should have recommendations. When you need someone, you need them quickly.
Figure our how you are going to stay fed and hydrated. Maybe that will be freezer meals, maybe you have the kind of friends who will bring food, maybe you order a lot of delivery and Instacart. Do not plan on cooking for at least 6 weeks. Drink a lot of water! Have a lot of healthy, high fiber snacks on hand that do not require prep.
If I had outside help for one task it would have been laundry. There is an amazing amount of laundry. I wish I had bought a lot more cheap, soft t-shirts, lounge pants, and really absorbent but really soft towels (to put on my bed and cut down on washing sheets).
If you have any household tasks that can be outsourced or automated, do it now. Also, if you do not have an Instacart membership and it is available in your area, get it now.
Buy a bunch of maxi pads and lanolin cream (the latter only if you are planning to BF).
And for context, I was a single mother by choice who lived alone when my daughter was born. My mom came every day for a few hours for the first few weeks and was amazing help, my sister came and visited for 2 weeks (weeks 4-5 and she certainly helped but she was also 19) but I was otherwise on my own. After the first 3 nights and other than when my sister was visiting I was on my own every night. I was fine. And I am not particularly great and did not have a particularly easy baby. You can do whatever you need to do and you will be amazing. Just remember that your only job is to take care of yourself and your baby and as long as you are doing that you are doing your only job.
Congratulations!
PJ
Congrats!! Do reading and research on sleep training / routines, before baby arrives and you are trying to make decisions incredibly sleep deprived.
Agree with lining up kindle and TV with things you want to read and watch.
Agree with connecting with other moms and friends to see in person.
Agree with stocking up on diapers, wipes and some formula and bottles.
Find your pediatrician.
Find a pelvic floor physical therapist. Make an appt for after delivery
Make sure you can work the car seat, stroller, etc.
Some days, my “goals” were: take my meds, brush my teeth, and change clothes. Stretch goal was washing my face or doing laundry.
Anon
Back to my quest of finding white jeans that are thick enough that they do not show cellulite. Any recommendations?
Anonymous
Mother is really thick. Spendy though.
Elle
I had really good luck with Everlane white jeans a few years ago!
emeralds
I have a pair of white jeans from Reformation that would fit the bill.
Anon
I don’t know about white, but for thick I usually look for Adriano Goldschmied.
Kia
Not jeans, which you’d think would be thick enough to never have this be an issue, but white khakis in a modern cut from J Crew Factory.
PolyD
I got some from Talbots a couple of years ago that were good, can’t vouch for their present offerings, but might be worth a try.
Seventh Sister
I have a pair from that era at Talbots as well and I love them.
anon
Best advice I got from a sales associate years ago. Size up… like, two sizes. Normally wear a 28 and my white jeans are all 30s. Trust me. Also, seconding Mother, and adding in Frame.
Anon
I have two pairs of white jeans, one from Kut from the Kloth and another from NYDJ, that are thick fabric. I’d look for fabric content that has a high percentage of cotton vs. other, stretchier fibers.
Mrs. Jones
Madewell!
Doodles
My favorite are from Talbots. They have several cuts (bootcut/straight/skinny) and are thick.
Zoom?
How would the black and ivory version look on Zoom?
Zoom?
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/all-clothing/cat3630020/606954.html?dwvar_606954_color=3958&priceSort=DES
Smokey
I think it would look great!
Anonymous
great!
Anon
Can I soak beans overnight on Tues and cook them on Thurs? Should I continue soaking them today and tonight?
Anon
It’s not ideal. And they should definitely be refrigerated if you’re not going to cook them until Thursday.
Anon
Is the better option to cook them tonight and just reheat tomorrow? Do reheated beans get soggy?
I’m a newbie to this and it is intimidating!
anon
Good point on the refrigeration.
anon
Is the better option to cook them tonight and just reheat tomorrow? Do reheated beans get soggy?
I’m a newbie to this and it is intimidating!
Vicky Austin
What are you trying to do with them? Just eat them straight? Use them in a recipe?
anon
Yes, just eat them straight.
Vicky Austin
I would prioritize cooking as soon as possible after soaking so you don’t have a giant bowl of beans taking up real estate in your fridge. You can refrigerate cooked beans (drained to your liking) for a good couple days with no issues, and if you have more than that, you can totally freeze them (I like to put them in quart bags and lay them flat until they freeze and can be stood up like a file). They won’t get soggy.
Anonymous
Cooked beans keep well and reheat well. Definitely cook them today.
Anon
Soak, cook, put what you will use in the next few days in the fridge and freeze the rest in serving size portions. Cooked beans freeze really well.
My go-to is cooked black beans or buckeye beans (from Rancho Gordo), frozen in single portions, with cooked brown rice also frozen in single portions, and either homemade tomato salsa or pineapple or mango salsa, frozen in single serving portions. Microwave meals without the chemicals and preservatives!
Anon
As an alternative you could use the slow cooker method Thurs AM – https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-beans-in-the-slow-cooker-74529. I add an extra hour of cooking but that might just be my slow cooker
Anon
No, they’ll start sprouting if soaked that long. You’d be better off to not soak at all and cook longer if this is your only option to soak.
Beans are very versatile. I often cook a pound over the weekend and work them into recipes throughout the week. Cooked beans refrigerate and freeze very well.
Check out Rancho Gordo’s website for lots of tips.
Anonymous
Do NOT just boil them if they are kidney beans – those are toxic unless handled correctly.
Anon
Yes, you definitely can.
Anon
Rancho Gordo has a lot to say about beans. With their permission, I stopped worrying about soaking beans before cooking them. If I don’t get around to it, then I Just add more time to the cooking process. For someone like me who cooks a lot of beans, this is life-changing advice! They’re fine this way.
Anon
It helps to be cooking Rancho Gordo beans though (they are just so good).
Anonymous
I never soak beans and always cook in the crockpot all day. I sometimes use Rancho Gordo beans, but also often just use whatever I find at the grocery store and they are fine.
Nesprin
Yes, but instapot for 30min makes great beans fresh from dry.
Anonymous
I have no idea where to start looking for an outdoor furniture set. We’re finally ready to dump the set we got from a consignment store that birds have picked apart. Any suggestions on where to browse for a large set that can withstand children and apparently aggressive me wildlife?
Anonymous
The Home Depot line has served me really well. It has sturdy aluminum frames, and we bought furniture covers, twice now, to protect the cushions, which we do keep on most of the time. We’ve had the set now for eight years.
BeenThatGuy
What area of the country are you in? If NYC area, I highly recommend Fortunoff Outdoor. Regardless of where you go, a set that has the ability to last years on end is extremely expensive, even if stored properly in the off season.
Anonymous
We got our’s at Costco.
anon
If you are in Texas, H-E-B. There is a reason why you see them in so many people’s backyards. Also, make a decision on how much you are going to spend. Most patio furniture specific stores have prices similar to nice interior furniture. Lowes typically has nicer furniture than Home Depot.
Chl
We like ours from yardbird.
Lydia
these pop up in Aldi in the springtime! surprisingly high quality (but like all Aldi things, you can’t really predict when it’ll show up, and it usually doesn’t stay in stock long).
anon
Home Depot or Lowes. The Macy’s furniture showroom in my area also has outdoor furniture. Our cast aluminum set has lasted for over 10 years now. We keep them covered during the winter.
OP
I’m in DC, thanks!
Anan
If you are ready to splurge for the good stuff, Offenbacher’s in Rockville has a huge showroom. I liked their selection so much I joked with my husband that we should put it in our living room.
Senior Attorney
Wherever you get them, if you get fabric cushions make sure they are real Sunbrella fabric. Anything else will fade and look awful in no time at all.
Curious
What we did was look at Costco, find two sets we liked, and then go to the manufacturer home pages to see more options. We have been very happy with our pick!
Anon
Anyone familiar with the brand Atelier Reve? It is supposedly a Danish brand. I’d love feedback on quality and sizing.
Shelle
Yesterday when I replied to the question about perfumes I named the wrong site for ordering a customized sampler pack based on a questionnaire of your preferences. It’s actually surrender to chance dot com who does that.
Now I have fragrance on the brain… What scent are wearing today?
I’m trying out Guerlain Mitsouko. Really liking it except for the screechy lemon top note. It’s settled down into a beautiful milky jasmine.
startup lawyer
Ormonde Jayne Vanille d’iris
Anon
Ormonde Jayne Vanille d’iris
Anon
That was my wedding scent!
Anon
That’s one of the better Jo Malones, IMO, and there are a lot of really good Jo Malones. Do you know they make a solid in the Blackberry and Bay, so you can touch up or layer?
ollie
Jo Malone English Pear & Freesia. I have a sampler kit and I’m making an effort to actually use it, even just for WFH days in sweats.
dear reader
SOL Cheirosa ‘62 by Sol de Janeiro
Anon
I’m essentially wearing this via their bum bum cream and got a compliment when someone walked into my office yesterday.
dear reader
I started with their bum bum cream and love the scent so much that DH got me the perfume for Christmas. Once I was in an elevator shortly after smothering my legs with the bum bum cream – it was me, DH and some strangers, and a guy got in at a different floor and on the ride down said, “I don’t know who, but someone smells fantastic”. Thank you bum bum cream.
Anne-on
My usual day to day scent is Dior Collection Colle Noir – the privee collection scents are pricey but so pretty – Gris Dior, and Holy Peony are also favorites. I’m also sampling the Frederic Malle Magnolia and shocked at how nicely it wears on me as it was very musky in the bottle.
Squeak
I’ve got Fitzgerald by Immortal Perfumes on today! It’s a sweet coffee scent that dries down to like a musky floral. It is the perfect unisex scent.
Hypatia
Creature of habit, I only wear Jo Malone wood sage & sea salt
pugsnbourbon
Oh that sounds right up my alley. I might grab a sample!
Anon
Diptyque Kyoto. It was a limited edition but the new Eau Rose EDP (not the older EDT) is fairly similar and also beautiful.
I hear you about those top notes on some of the older scents. It’s what keeps me from really getting to know Chanel No 19 better, even though she is the Queen of Greens, and I’m generally a green lover.
Anon
Rosa novella…Santa Maria novella fragrance.
Anon
Hi – Tell me if this exists – I’d like an app that would collect all of my clothes shopping browsing in one cart and then I can go through and decide what I actually want to buy. I don’t mind being kicked back to the store’s website to buy but I’d like to compare options all together in one space first. Pinterest doesn’t work because I want to be able to compare prices all together. (E.g., I cart five pairs of jeans from a few different stores, see them all together, and decide based on look and price which one I want to buy, then click through back to the store to buy it.) Thanks!
Anon
This was Polyvore for me (no help to you; they sold out in the worst way).
Anon
This is what having multiple tabs open is for. You don’t need an app for this.
OP Anon
? I’d like to shop over various devices and various times before deciding so that won’t work with multiple tabs.
PolyD
Save the links to a Note called Things I Want?
Anon
I don’t think this exists, because stores don’t really want you deciding between their products and another store’s product; they just want you to buy what they have on offer. Maybe this is your billion-dollar entrepreneurial idea! Find a programmer and figure out how to get it done.
anon
I can’t think of an app that does exactly this. if you discover a lot of items through bloggers, you might could use the wish list feature in the LTK app. I don’t use any of them, but wonder if you have checked out any of the closet organizer apps.
Anonymous
Moonsift could work for you..
Anonymous
Something happened this weekend that is really bothering me and I would appreciate any advice from people wiser than I am.
My husband’s brother had a baby with his girl friend. Girl friend is 40 so not a kid. They are not married. Baby has girl friend’s last name.
After a few glasses of wine girlfriend said to me that baby has her surname because she would never let her child have a Jewish (i.e. our) last name. Do I : A) Ignore -she was just drunk and didn’t mean it. B) Assume that true feelings come out when drunk and bring it up to her when she is sober. C) Accept those are her true feelings and still forget it in the interest of family harmony. She probably won’t even remember she said it. I am so angry. Thanks for listening.
Anon
Yikes. If I went with C I would shade the interpretation as “I worry that other people’s prejudice could impact baby later in life.” (Yes, that is still really bad, like people who hope their kids are straight and cis so their “lives will be easier” and other expressions of fear of one’s own family somehow becoming the societal other, but it would still disturb me even more if she were just openly avowing her own prejudice.)
anon
I think this is the most charitable interpretation of what she said, and I’d also go with C with this interpretation for family harmony. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by calling out, and maintaining family harmony gives you a better chance of getting to be a consistent presence in the child’s life. With a mom like that, the child is going to need you.
Anon
I’m sorry, that sucks.
I would try to go with A, but likely end up at C. Nothing good is going to come from B. I would try to view it as her being concerned about her kid experiencing prejudice, but that’s not much better.
Anon
I am definitely on the feminist side of last name conventions, so my inclination is to say that it’s totally fine for her child to take her last name, not the last name of her boyfriend, and she doesn’t even need a reason to do it.
Option (d) is that it’s very unconventional to not give the child the father’s last name, so she may have been awkwardly struggling for an explanation. (I would be curious what her exact words were, as in, if you recorded her and transcribed it, what would it say?) Possibly she is worried about her kid being discriminated against?
That said, I doubt it is what is going on and unfortunately, your niece/nephew has an antisemitic parent. Given that, I would work extra hard to be part of nibling’s life. It’s not about family harmony – it’s about ensuring this child grows up to be better than his/her mother.
Anonymous
OP here. I appreciate option D. Her comment was not in the context of a conversation about baby’s name. She volunteered it out of the blue while we were looking a a family picture. Maybe in her mind she did feel defensive. Also a feminist and fully support child/partner not taking husbands name. Thank you.
Anonymous
D: The parents aren’t married, so the mother gets to name the baby any d@mn thing she wants for any reason even if it’s a bad one.
Anon
I don’t think this is the question. The question is how should OP take her comment about not wanting her baby to have a Jewish last name. I would either assume she’s anti-Semitic and a horrible person, which is likely how I would view her going forward or assume she doesn’t want her child to have a Jewish last name to avoid being the recipient of anti-semitism. Either way, this woman is not someone I would have fond feelings for or a real relationship with.
Anonymous
Except it’s not really about her right to being able to name the baby at all. And you know it.
If she were to say “I’m glad I could make the baby’s skin white,” you wouldn’t be pretending the OP wasn’t being a feminist. Let’s not normalize antisemitism the same way.
Anonymous
Why would she date and have a baby with a Jewish man if she’s an antisemite?
Anon
That’s like “But I have a Black friend.” It’s completely possible to be racist or anti-semitic even if you had a baby with a Jewish or Black person. Just look at the Kardashians who have been caught saying all kinds of racist things but famously love to date Black men.
Anon
I would probably always stew over it and would wonder “what if,” so I’d say something. It’s quite possible she meant that she didn’t want the child to have to face prejudice, kind of like how some people might awkwardly say they hope their child isn’t gay (so they don’t face prejudice) but in reality they’d love their child just as much if they were gay.
I’d approach it more like, “I can’t stop thinking about when you said X the other night, and I want to understand what you meant.” And in person! Maybe over wine again but before anyone is tipsy.
Anon
+1
Anononon
Nah, she is the prejudice.
Anon
She might be! And I think that’s useful information I would glean from this type of conversation. It’s what I’d do for my own sanity so I wouldn’t have to regret not saying something. But I understand if others would take a different approach.
Anonymous
Option D. Talk to your husband about it. It’s his family.
Coach Laura
This is my suggestion. It’s his brother and his family and his family name. I’d certainly think she was horrible for saying or thinking or believing it and it’s terribly insulting to OP. But I think OP needs to let her husband’s family take action…or not.
Anon
Probably C. But TBH the fact that they aren’t married/planning to get married means there is probably something deeper there and I don’t know that I’d bank on this being a happy forever relationship.
anonshmanon
just nah. If you think a ceremony/ring/legal designation are the true hallmarks of a stable, loving relationship, that is on you. There are other, valid ways to live, outside your personal perspective.
OP, that is awful and I would definitely be unsure how to react in your shoes!
Anon
I think the question is more what the girlfriend may think about marriage than about what people here think.
Anon
Once you bring a baby into the picture, they are.
Anon
Probably C. I’m Jewish fwiw
anon
Oof, that’s bad. I’d probably do C, but you’re never going to be able to forget that comment. I would also assume that she’s not with your brother for the long haul.
Anon
My dad’s best friend did this ~40 years ago now (the child has the mom’s name instead of dad’s overtly Jewish name; the parents were married when the child was born). I’ve always thought it was weird and kind of offensive but my dad (who is also jewish) is more sympathetic. I do think my dad’s friend is a good person and not a bigot, and the charitable interpretation that he wanted to make life easier on his kid is probably the right one.
Anon
When I got married, I expected people to share the opinions that I should keep my name because it was the name I’d used thus far in my career, or for feminist reasons. I was not expecting that any mentors would advise me to keep my name for career reasons because it’s whiter than my husband’s name. I still feel offended, but they were not actually wrong that prejudice persists.
Anne-on
Oof. I hate that this is a thing, but yes, not uncommon amongst Jewish baby boomers with greatest generation parents, especially if their parents lost family members during the holocaust. My dad and a few friends with ‘american’ sounding last names didn’t have bar mitzvahs because their parents didn’t want to call attention to their religions for their boys who ‘passed’ (all of them looked more like the non-Jewish parent too, and I can’t believe that wasn’t a factor).
Anon
My best friend is Jewish and has a non-Jewish last name because her father changed his in the 1960s to try to avoid discrimination in applying for jobs.
Anon
Yeah that’s super common and it persisted past the 60s. Jon Stewart was born Jon Stuart Leibowitz.
Anon
Is the GF the type who sometimes makes sarcastic, self-deprecating, or non-PC type jokes that she doesn’t really mean? I can certainly imagine a person who would say something that with the intention that she was making fun of the idea that someone would really think that, and not at all accurately describing what she really thinks – and can imagine that joke falling flat and getting lost in translation and tipsiness. Since there’s not really much you can do about this in any case, maybe you can assume that’s the case for your own sake of mind?
(Obviously, we can argue about whether those sorts of jokes are appropriate or a good idea in any case, but it’s definitely a style of joking that people sometimes do.)
Anon
I can imagine it dripping in irony, especially if people had made rude comments to her about it. “Oh yeah I have my own child my name – rather than the name of the guy whose contribution was one night of fun – obvs because you can’t give a kid a Jewish last name.”
anon
Did you tell your husband? Does his brother know this? I would probably go with C, because I don’t know what bringing it up to her would accomplish.
Anon
I would ask her to clarify why she said that. Not sure if that’s wise but it would bother me.
Anon
In Vino Veritas has been a saying for thousands of years for a reason. I would assume this person has some prejudices that will keep resurfacing from here forward.
Anonymous
Just some insight as a person with a Jewish dad and not Jewish mom, I’d give this women the benefit of the doubt. I have very, very Jewish sounding last name but was not raised religiously aside from family gatherings for Jewish holidays. It’s kind of a burden to not be Jewish, nor be considered Jewish by most Jewish people, but nevertheless be subject to antisemitism. (And yes it’s crummy that that still exists but it does.) I’m proud to have Jewish heritage but an ethnically ambiguous last name would have probably made life easier.
Anon
Yeah, I’m Jewish and this was my interpretation as well. It’s not “ew I wouldn’t want my kid to be perceived as Jewish” it’s “my kid isn’t Jewish and it will be weird and confusing for them if everything thinks they are.” If it’s an ambiguous name, it’s probably an overreaction, but if your last name is something like Cohen I totally get it.
Anonymous
This. People make incorrect assumptions about my ethnicity all the time because of my last name. It’s almost always members of that ethnic group–they assume I am a member of the group, and then they often act downright offended when they see me in person and realize I am not part of the group, as if I were trying to trick them. They are the ones who are being racist, not me.
Anon
I took my first husband’s last name and it was clearly Hispanic. Not only did people assume I spoke Spanish, but I had a black friend who was upset when I learned that I was not a minority, like him. We don’t realize how deeply ingrained our biases really are!
Anon
I have a friend with a Jewish-sounding last name. No one in the family is Jewish in any way.
The kids were often asked why they were in school on Yom Kippur. “Because I’m Catholic” wasn’t the answer anyone expected.
dear reader
C, because it’s not actually your business and she’s 40 and she’s just shown you who she is and nothing you say is going to change that. And then I would just maintain the relationship with the girlfriend just enough in order to be an amazing aunt to the little one, so you can be a positive influence for your niece/nephew.
Anonymous
Okay- this is me playing total devil’s advocate. Is it possible that she meant she didn’t want baby to have a Jewish last name in the same way someone might say they don’t want a Polish or Czech last name due to it’s diffifulty to pronounce? Eg. too many C-Z-S-K-Is for anyone to know how to pronounce it? In that case it’s not about the heritage, but about the difficulty in pronunciation, just worded drunkenly/poorly.
If your brother’s last name is an easy Jewish one like Cohen or Green or whatever, and/or if she was very clearly saying “BECAUSE THEN EVERYONE WOULD KNOW BABY IS JEWISH” then yeah, there’s no even attempt at explaining it.
My mom and her entire family is Polish, so we have a bit of a running joke that there are enough Ski’s in the family to open a resort. Nobody can pronounce the names; my mom grew up using her last initial.
Anom
Are they raising the child Jewish? Maybe she just doesn’t want people to think the child is Jewish when it’s not? I’m Jewish, DH is not and my kids (raising Jewish) have a last name that totally sounds not jewish, think Smith or Jones. If I were totally honest, I’d prefer them to have a name that sounds Jewish, but I want way more that they have their dad’s name bc it is meaningful to him. But I’m happily married to him.
I’d vote C. People say stupid stuff all the time. She might not even agree with the sentiment next year.
Bette
That comment would really upset me, too. Definitely not A – people speak the truth when drunk, so if anything you got a peek into her inner thoughts. Although some interesting perspectives raised in this thread about possible explanations behind intergenerational trauma of Holocaust survivors and wanting to protect future generations… I’m going to assume that’s not the case here, or you would have been privy to and shared other background/context clues for that charitable interpretation.
I would probably go with C but watch very closely for other worrying comments/behaviors and if a pattern emerges, address it in the moment. I’m a HUGE fan of making a puzzled face and responding “What a strange thing to say” (with other non-emotional but pointed follow-up comments/questions as appropriate) to call people out in a non-threatening way that still opens the door for conversation and makes it clear you will not be a complicit audience for their BS.
Anon
This is complicated because being Jewish is both an ethnicity and a religion. In this case, the charitable interpretation is not that she’s a bigot who doesn’t want people to think her child is ethnically part-Jewish, but rather that her child is being raised without religion or as a member of a different religion and she doesn’t want the child to have to deal with people assuming s/he’s a member of the Jewish religion simply because of a Jewish-sounding last name. I’m Jewish and my default assumption would be that it’s the latter situation, in the absence of other evidence that she’s bigoted.
Anon
Thanks for this perspective.
Rainbow Hair
Also (Jew here), throwing in a bit of context that I don’t think was mentioned yet: traditionally you’re ‘born Jewish’ if your mom is Jewish. If mom isn’t Jewish, and doesn’t intend to raise the kid in the religion, I can see why having a name that’s immediately associated with Judaism could be weird. (My kiddo’s name is like, Tiffany Charity Goy lol, and I sometimes ponder the opposite and wonder if I regret that I didn’t give her anything overtly ‘Jewish’ as a name — then again, my name is like Mary Beth, so… whatever)
Anon
Yeah… I almost mentioned that. Regardless of what religion or lack thereof she’s choosing, the reality is that her children *aren’t* Jewish and won’t be seen as Jewish by religious Jews simply because their mother isn’t Jewish. I can understand wanting to avoid a Jewish name for that reason.
Anonymous
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings about her statement. That’s true even if she meant something different than she said. It can be true both that 1) we should give our loved ones some grace when they put their foot in their mouth, and 2) we can file away problematic, possibly foot-in-mouth statements for future reference. I don’t think your (C) has to mean forgetting the comment entirely. It could mean assuming best intentions this time but being on the lookout for these types of issues in the future.
Candles?
Does your husband know? Won’t you invite them to your house for, e.g., candles and latkes in December? Will she refuse to come and refuse to let your BIL bring the kid? When your kids have BMs, will she refuse to let their cousin participate (ie., have a reading or light a candle)? This has much broader implications.
Anonymous
Thank you all so much for the incredibly thoughtful responses. Definitely going with C. No good comes from the others but am not going to forget either. Thanks again.
Emma
Please help me on the next installment of “where should Emma, Mr. Emma and mini-Emma live in 18 months”. DH is ranking masters programs and while I defer to him on the academic stuff and this all depends on whether they like his application, he has asked for my input as to where I would prefer to live. The current top contenders are:
1. Philadelphia
2. Fort Lauderdale
3. LA (UCLA)
4. Portland, OR
5. Buffalo, NY
About us: early 30s, a baby (will be 2 by then) and a dog. We are coming from Montreal, Canada. We like the walkability, good food and cultural scene here. We will be (hopefully) living off my income which will be around 150k + bonus. I work in law and will hopefully be able to keep my job, but would like access to a decent job market in case something happens. I am barred in NY. Baby will need to go to daycare. I would love to have better weather and access to the ocean, but trying to balance that with COL concerns (we currently are a two-income family so going to one income is going to be a change, although we have robust savings and a reasonably modest lifestyle).
We are center-left politically (some of you mentioned this in the context of Portland,OR being possibly too leftist for us. On the flip side, I’m not loving what I’m hearing about Florida right now).
Where would you go?
(Also if you know me IRL please keep this to yourself since nothing is final yet!).
Anonymous
Buffalo for easy day trips to Toronto and Niagara wine country. I’d avoid Florida right now, LA is pricey on one income. Portland is a hot mess.
Not sure I’d pick Buffalo as a ‘forever city’ but it’s what I’d pick of those for where you are now.
Anon
Agree, I grew up in WNY, and Buffalo has a lot to recommend it. The winters are rough, but the summers and fall are wonderful, and it’s close to a lot of easy get aways. It’s affordable, and a judging by my niblings, it’s a great place to raise children.
Anon
I can’t help with kid stuff, but my vote out of your list is Philly!
Anonymous
I think Philly is also a good choice. Close to the coast but much cheaper than NYC, warmer and less snow (!) than Buffalo, left-leaning. I would rank FL last but I’m unreasonable about the state – I lived there as a teen and still view it as where people go to die.
Anon
I think Philly is also a good choice. Close to the coast but much cheaper than NYC, warmer and less snow (!) than Buffalo, left-leaning. I would rank FL last but I’m unreasonable about the state – I lived there as a teen and still view it as where people go to die.
Anon
+1 – I’d do Philly or Portland. LA is v expensive and 150k will be a massive strain to try to live there on that. FL is well, FL, never would I ever live there on purpose.
Emma
I don’t know much about Philly, but it does sound promising! Buffalo is probably the cheapest COL, but not super exciting to me (and ugh, more snow). Florida is definitely a place for retirees in my mind, and Fort Lauderdale is snowbird central around here, but maybe there’s more to it I don’t know about. LA could be fun, but I’m worried about COL. I already asked about Portland here a few weeks ago and got some good feedback.
Cat
Big cities have their warts but I still love living in Philly. Super walkable, get all 4 seasons but aside from a few super hot weeks and occasional arctic blasts it’s not too extreme, fantastic restaurants, easy to get to the beach or mountains, airport is well if not ideally connected (we take the train up to Newark or JFK sometimes for long-haul for price reasons), and you can still get a rowhouse and be able to afford the rest of your life.
Anon
I think Philly has a great airport! You have to fly American though.
Cat
Oh agree about the airport, we are very loyal to American lol and almost always fly out of PHL. Just sometimes flying out of the New York area (even on American) can be like $500+pp less expensive for Europe, so even with the Amtrak tickets it’s a win.
Anon
Agree on Philly, which seems to be the last pre-car city that is still affordable. Plus, the weather is not awful most of the year. Easy train to most of the East Coast. There is an IKEA at Plymouth Meeting.
Cat
There is also an Ikea in South Philly lol, in case the proximity of Ikea is a deal-breaker
Emma
I mean I do like Ikea! But not a dealbreaker :)
Anonymous
UCLA alumna here. LA is a truly terrible place to live on a student budget. Housing in walkable neighborhoods (well, anywhere, but especially in walkable neighborhoods) is ridiculously expensive. Public transit is useless. You will need two cars unless you live in Westwood Village and he walks to class, and apartments in Westwood Village are overpriced, overrun with partying undergrads, and poorly maintained. LA is incredibly spread out and choked with traffic. Going to the beach is a huge schlep.
The weather is hot for much of the year and the smog is vile. The scorching Santa Ana winds in the fall are the worst. On the plus side, the thick layer of smog produces lovely sunsets.
That said, no matter how terrible the living situation is, I’d choose the most prestigious program with the best employment outcomes. You can live anywhere for two years. School reputation matters a lot more for a graduate or professional degree than for a bachelor’s degree.
Anon
I concur with this wholeheartedly. I’d also question the ROI on a masters as a terminal degree. I’ve never seen that translate into more pay. Career pivot, sure, but more money in the same field, not enough to make it worth it.
Curious
There are exceptions. My master’s in predictive analytics paid for itself in a year.
Anon
Trying again because I used a bad word. I concur with this wholeheartedly. I’d also question the ROI on a masters as a terminal degree. I’ve never seen that turn into more pay. Career pivot, sure, but more money in the same field, not enough to make it worth it.
Anon
I disagree with the last paragraph. I mean, yes don’t choose a school that’s not even in the top 100 over Harvard because you don’t like the weather in Boston. But if you’re choosing among similarly ranked schools, it’s fine to think about where you and your family will be happiest. Especially when you have a family. I’ve moved for my husband’s job and the trailing spouse is making a big sacrifice and it’s reasonable for them to get some say into where the family moves. Also employment outcomes tend to regional, especially for things like law school. If you go to a Midwest law school, you’re going to have a much stronger network in the Midwest and it might be difficult to get back to the northeast if that’s where you want to be. Going to a northeast law school that’s 5-10 spots lower in the rankings might very well be the right choice, even strictly from a professional perspective.
Emma
Thanks! We love LA to visit and my dad is a UCLA alum so it has a special place in our hearts. But yeah I’m concerned about everything you just mentioned. And yes, we are taking into account the quality of the programs too – my input is more on the quality of life side, but he’s done extensive research on the academic side. All of these are competitive and his job prospects are pretty good, otherwise we wouldn’t be considering it.
Seventh Sister
I’ve lived in LA since law school/most of my adult life. There are things I love about it, but the COL is pretty punishing even for our dual-income family. Also the childcare situation is pretty tough – hard to find and pretty expensive, especially in West LA. I actually commuted with my kids because I got a spot in a good daycare center.
FWIW, I like the weather and the air quality isn’t something that bothers me on a day-to-day basis (in fact my asthma tends to flare in more humid/pollinated places).
Anokha
I absolutely adore Philadelphia, and would happily live there with a two year old. And it’s a reasonable drive to various beaches, including for day trips.
Anon
Hi – I live in Philly and I am biased but it is great. I grew up here, moved away for college and early 20s and moved back in my mid 20s and it is still my favorite place I’ve lived. I can’t comment on your other choices (I have briefly visited Ft. Lauderdale, LA, and Buffalo, have never been to Portland).
– Downtown Philly is very walkable. Several popular neighborhoods (Rittenhouse, Washington Square, Gayborhood, Grad Hospital, Old City/Society Hill, Fairmount, Northern Liberties, Bella Vista/Queen Village, Passyunk) are all walkable (parks, restaurants and bars, grocery options (some better than others), CVS/Target, shopping, public transportation) and easily accessible to each other. There are also quite a few suburbs that are walkable, have public transportation, and are cute towns.
– The food in Philly is really great. Friends from NYC rave about Philly’s food. So many really great restaurants and a lot of variety in cuisines.
– We have several museums, concert venues, and theaters. There are fun festivals and seasonal things to do. Lots going on.
– Our park system is amazing. Fairmount Park, the Schuylkill River trail, neighborhood parks. I love them all.
– Philly is still pretty affordable, but is definitely getting more expensive. I make 75k and live alone in a 1BR in one of the neighborhoods mentioned above, so I think it’d be doable for a family on your salary.
– Cannot comment on the law job market (other than I know there’s a lot of firms! and 3 law schools in the city proper, so I’d imagine it’s a pretty thriving scene) or daycares (no friends have babies yet, I think we’re a little younger than you).
– Our weather is more mild than Montreal, but we have 4 distinct seasons. This winter was pretty mild, but still colder than my preference is! I run/bike outside 12 months a year, so no temperatures are that extreme. Philly is also pretty safe from a natural hazards standpoint (we have had hurricanes in recent years that have caused flooding/tornadoes, but as far as hurricanes go, the damage wasn’t too awful).
– Philly is about a 75-90 minute drive from the Jersey Shore (town depending, of course). Poconos (mountains/lakes) are slightly further.
– PA is purple, but had a good blue wave last election, but Philly is solidly blue. Our mayoral primary is coming up (the democratic primary is all that matters here), so that will determine a lot. I’d always described Philly as an old school Democrat union working town, but there is a vocal progressive faction too.
– While we get a bad rap for our attitude here, it’s actually quite friendly. People are very passionate about the city, it’s a grittier city and people are proud of that. We love our sports. We’re proud to be here. And, a LOT of people grew up in the area and stayed, but, non-locals are welcomed and embraced as well.
Anon
Also – not sure how long your husband’s program is but Philly public schools are awful. Would not recommend at all. But plenty of good suburban districts, parochial schools, and private options. Can’t comment on charters.
Emma
Thanks! Philly sounds like it could be a good fit. The program is two years. If we decide to stay longer than that we would look into school options, but for now all we need is a decent daycare/preschool.
Anonymous
I’d go with either Ft Lauderdale or you stay put and he commutes to Buffalo, assuming that you are certain you are returning home after. If you’re going through the disruption of a move you may as well get to enjoy the sunshine before returning North and I don’t think the politics matter for 18
months. LA would be way better but you’ll feel cramped financially.
Anon
Agreed with everyone else, Philadelphia is the best bet.
anon
I live in Philadelphia and do not understand the appeal at all. COL of living is good but with our soaring violent crime rate I’ve lost interest in doing the things I used to like about the city, like going to parks and out to dinner. Public transportation after 5pm is really not an option anymore. It’s a much different feel than it was pre-covid and pre-this District Attorney. Our weather isn’t great either- gray winters and humid summers. Personally I’d move to FL.
Anon
I feel like you’re really living in a bubble … I live in Grad Hospital and haven’t stopped doing those things. Neither have my friends. And I take public transportation after 5. It’s all cost/benefit analysis, I guess.
anon
Lol yeah tell that to the woman who just got beaten unconscious at 7:15 pm in the middle of Center City
Anonymous
I don’t live in Philly, but I live in PA, and I’m surprised by all the recommendations of it. Violent crime has truly been skyrocketing in the last few years. I would not feel comfortable moving there right now.
anon
I live in Buffalo and you can easily live here with one kid for 150k. I would caution you that walkable areas in the city are likely not near the university (assuming he’s going to SUNY Buffalo), so he’d have a commute. The university’s main campus is out in the suburbs. This is a very good place to be center-left. The weather is atrocious in the winter, but the area is well prepared for it.
DC Inhouse Counsel
Westwood (the neighborhood that UCLA is in) is a great place to live for a few years. It’s cute, walkable and pretty safe, since it’s so close to Bel Air. There’s an easy bus that can take you to Santa Monica for the beach. The Hammer Museum is walking distance and the Getty, Getty Villa and Griffith Observatory aren’t too bad of a drive. The weather is so nice. LA definitely has a substantial legal market. Drawbacks are the COL, a nice two bedroom apartment in the area can cost ~$4k-5k per month or more and the greater LA area is not walkable and not very public transportation friendly, so you’d likely be driving a lot when you leave Westwood
Anonymous
They are not going to be able to afford a nice apartment on $150K/year, especially if they’re paying for child care. West LA is miserably hot except for the two months out of the year (usually November and February-ish) where it rains all day, every day.
Anon
I guess it depends what kind of lifestyle they want, but paying $4k/month for housing on a $150k HHI isn’t that hard if you have an otherwise modest lifestyle, especially if it’s a short term situation and you’re willing to temporarily cut back on savings. The rule of thumb I’ve always heard is 1/3rd your salary to housing and TBH in California most people are considerably above that.
Anonymous
150K – 22K for retirement contributions = 128K * .65 for taxes = 83,200
subtract 48,000 for housing and 20,000 (conservative estimate for HCOL) for child care = 15,200 for cars, car repairs, car insurance, utilities, groceries, clothing, gas, OOP health care costs …
Not doable.
Anon
Like I said, I don’t think you need to contribute to retirement, let alone the maximum, while the spouse is in school. I’m frugal but taking a two year break from retirement contributions isn’t going to destroy you financially. Many people take loans for school and pausing retirement contributions is less of a financial setback than that. OP’s tax rate will be nowhere near 35% (that’s the marginal tax rate for married couples earning >$400k!) On a $150k income as the single earner with a spouse and child, you can expect a takehome pay above $10k/month. So if 4k goes to rent and 2k goes to childcare, that still leaves $4k/month for gas, groceries, food, etc. That seems totally fine to me, even in a HCOL city.
I mean, make blanket “it’s not doable” declarations all you want but we paid almost this much in rent on a similar income and it was fine as a short term situation. Long term, yes, you need to save more money and most people want to own a home and not rent forever. But for two years with a spouse in school it’s completely fine.
thanksgiving anxiety
I agree that would be tough, when my I was living on $150k my rent was $3200 in LA and that was a bit of a stretch. They’ll pay way less taxes than I did but I didn’t have to pay for child care. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the desert but West LA is not hot at all to me though, the highs in August/September are in the high 70s in Westwood (90024). We definitely don’t get rain every day though!
I wouldn’t want to live in Westwood with a kid. The northern side of Santa Monica would be more kid-friendly but that’s much more expensive. I’d probably live there and make the husband take the bus, lol.
Anon
I’d eliminate Florida based on politics.
I don’t know that I would consider Buffalo very walkable. But I think most US cities aren’t very walkable. Your income would allow a nice lifestyle. Weather is going to be similar to Montreal though, so not much of an improvement.
Anon
Floridian and wholly agree with this. The entire state is just a prop for DeSantis’ presidential ambitions. It’s awful.
Anon
For me this would be a choice between the right neighborhood in Philadelphia and the right neighborhood in Buffalo.
Anon
I would also research Buffalo a bit… sometimes cities that are not exciting by reputation or as travel destinations can be more fun as places to live, especially if the cost of living makes it possible to live in a more desirable part of town (I’m living in an idyllic, artsy, walkable neighborhood in an unexciting blue collar city that’s not far from bigger cities if I really want something a bigger city offers, and it’s been a good balance for me).
anon
How long do you anticipate living in this next place? If it’s only a few years, and you’re unlikely to put down roots, I would give less weight to the politics of the place.
I would probably go to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. You’d probably get the highest quality of life in Fort Lauderdale with the income you have. There’s no state income tax. You’ll get a huge change in weather and access to the beach. The job market for lawyers in South Florida is decent (I believe).
While Florida is “red” at the moment, the county that Fort Lauderdale is in, and the rest of the east coast of Florida, is solidly Democrat. You will find like-minded people within your community, and local politics hold more sway over pretty much every aspect of day-to-day life. Plus, by the time your husband starts grad school in 18 months, DeSantis may be on his way to being the next President.
Anon
I wouldn’t say the FLL job market is great for lawyers – better than Buffalo probably, but you’ll have a lot more choice about where you work in Philadelphia or LA.
Anon
I agree I wouldn’t eliminate a place based on politics for a 2 year program, but I don’t think OP would like living in that part of Florida. Fort Lauderdale is a sleepy beach town with a ton of retirees and resorts and is not walkable at all. I don’t think it’s what she’s looking for. Miami might be a good fit for them (although still not walkable), but it doesn’t sound like they have the option to go there.
Emma
Yeah the University itself is in the Fort Lauderdale area. If we lived in Miami I think that would be a crazy commute (although Miami sounds fun!). I definitely love the idea of the sun and the beach, not sure how I feel about the rest. There is a very strong chance I could keep my job in Florida because my company has a major office in Miami, so I’m not as concerned about the job market although there is always the risk that I get fired or laid off for some reason.
Anon
Yeah that would be a brutal commute to do daily. Might work if you only have to be in the office a couple days a week.
anon
+1 that this would be a brutal commute. It might be doable if your company allowed you to work remotely, and you only had to go to the office once/month or something like that.
Anon
I would if it’s a state university he’s been accepted to. The governor and his minions are hellbent on destroying our very, very good state university system in order to score points with the base and own the libs. As a current grad student, I hate the idea of the degree I’m busting by butt to get will be perceived the same as one from Liberty or Bob Jones, but that seems to be the way things will head if things keep going the way they presently are. I plan on finishing up while it’s still obvious from the timing of my degree that I didn’t come here because I espouse any of what the gov is trying to do.
Anon
That’s very true – I meant more I wouldn’t want to not live somewhere just because of politics. But the point you and others made up the damage to the universities is very valid and important to consider for someone choosing which university to attend.
NYCer
+1. I would definitely choose Fort Lauderdale out of these choices and given your finances. Philadelphia as second option.
Anon
I would flag the issue of bar admission. I worked for a year in a different state than I was barred and ended up applying for/taking the bar in that state just to avoid any issues. It’s one of those things that isn’t a problem until it is, and I didn’t want to deal with it. The bar rules in lots of places just have not updated to encompass full time remote work. Depending on how long you have been practicing it might be super easy to apply – but that rules out LA for me.
Emma
I’m in-house so I think it’s OK, but would definitely need to double check the rules.
Anon
I am PA barred, and WFH here, but work for a company HQ in VA and got the in-house counsel waive-in deal for VA. Agreed that being NY barred and being in-house living and working in PA shouldn’t be a big deal.
Anon
Nice! I’m a litigator so it was a little riskier (and I am risk averse, surprise surprise!) good luck with your decision!
Deedee
Emma, I recently went through a similar decision following my spouse for grad school. We landed in the mid Atlantic. Where are your family/friends, and does that matter to you? Personally I think Philly would be terrific at this stage of life; it’s a great city and relatively affordable for the East Coast.
Buffalo would be cheaper, but my spouse and I ruled out Rochester because it was just too far from our family & friends in the Northeast & mid-Atlantic, and Buffalo is even farther out! However, we did seriously consider it because it would have afforded a nice QOL on my income alone (good but less than yours, no bonus). I don’t know anything about Buffalo’s airport, but for a place far from family and friends, I’d want to be close to a major hub so it was easier and more affordable to get direct flights wherever I wanted to go. Actually that consideration applies to all the places you listed.
We’re LGBTQ and having our first kiddo, so we would not have chosen FL for political and legal reasons. Barring that level of personal concerns and fears, I wouldn’t rule out FL out of hand just because you’re left politically. Don’t know anything about Ft Lauderdale specifically though! I don’t know much about Portland either, but my concern on LA would just be COL on a single income plus daycare. A single income goes a LOT farther without the need to pay for daycare. Anyway, you’ve probably considered all this, just my two cents!
Emma
Thanks, these are all great points. I have family in Europe and throughout the US so I would prefer to be near a major airport. DH’s family is in Montreal. We have family friends in LA and an aunt in Portland, but we aren’t close enough for it to be a major factor. As concerns Florida, we are not LGBTQ and my daughter is too young for it to be a concern at this point, I just don’t love the general political vibe.
Anon
It’s not just the political vibe, but that the universities are under attack in a way that I would be seriously concerned about the quality of education your husband will receive. Faculty can no longer teach huge amounts of their research expertise (including in STEM, this isn’t just something that affects social sciences) and many of them are doing everything they can to flee the state. There’s a real chance that anyone he’s planning to study with in this program will leave. The program will become less prestigious and less likely to result in a good job, because everyone knows what a joke Florida universities are.
Anon
+1
Anon
Nova is a private university. There are no state universities in Ft. Lauderdale so none of that is an issue.
Anon
I think some of the things mentioned, like faculty leaving for more attractive jobs, will affect private universities too. I live in a different red state and the GOP attack on higher education in our state is definitely making it harder for universities, even private ones, to attract and retain faculty.
anon
Buffalo’s airport has direct flights to NYC, Boston, DC, Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago, etc. Many people here drive to Toronto if flying to Europe or farther destinations to get a direct flight from there.
Anon
DH and I moved to Philly last year and we love it. Affordable (compared to other east coast cities), walkable, lots of great food, good shopping, and museums.
Our HHI is around $200k and we’re planning on buying a townhouse and having a baby in the next couple years. We feel very lucky to live here!
anon
Not sure why me comment didn’t make it through but I live in Philly and am a voice of dissent. Our crime rate is really high, our winters are gray and summers humid, and public transportation is just unsafe after rush hour. I would go to Florida for two years and enjoy the weather!
Anon
The crime is definitely getting worse but I haven’t changed a single thing about my life: I still go out or run errands or go for a run after dark no problem.
I’d say public transportation is fine until about 8pm. But, pre pandemic/pre Krasner I didn’t take the El/BSL after 8pm either…
If you think our summers are too humid not sure why you’re suggesting Florida!
Hypatia
I would choose Philly for the following reasons:
– 4 seasons
– walkable
– some areas have charming architecture
– great food scene
– good arts scene
– decent train connections to NY and DC, reasonable airport
– interesting, creative part of the city culture
– fun museums
Anon
I have lived in Pittsburgh, Miami, Tallahassee, Orlando and Ft. Lauderdale. Broward county is the worst place I’ve ever live. I hated the public schools and found it very hard to make friends in my field and with other parents. It is a cliquey and snobby place. And, everyone who hated the Hispanic influence in Miami moved to beige Broward. I am guessing Mr. Emma is looking at Nova?
Emma
Yeah, he is. It is apparently well regarded in his field, although I honestly had never heard of it before.
Anon
Nova has a good reputation for a relatively small univeristy. It was on my list for law school but I ended up going to FSU. Politically, Broward is progressive but I much prefer Orlando’s vibe.
Anon
Yeah, Broward County definitely has a heavy dose of “we moved here because Miami has too many Hispanics (and Jews).” I haven’t lived there but have spent a reasonable amount of time there and the vibes are not great, even if it’s not as politically awful as other parts of Florida, which…LOW BAR.
Cat
Yeah we have family in the FLL area so occasionally visit and it feels like a different country. SO MANY Trump flags on boats, houses, etc – still.
Anon
He’s still a big deal. I really wish I thought he wasn’t going to be president again.
Anonymous
All the University of California campuses have serious problems with access to required courses, which means that many undergrads need 5 years to graduate. I am not sure whether this is a concern with graduate programs, but it would be good to verify course availability and graduation rates before committing to UCLA.
Anon
Typically this is an issue that’s specific to undergrads.
Liza
Please go be a swing voter in Philly! Make sure to live in a walkable neighborhood.
Anon
They wouldn’t be able to vote if they’re Canadian and just here for a couple years on student visas.
Emma
I’m actually American so I can vote. DH can’t tough. I feel like the districts we are likely to move to are already pretty blue, but will definitely register and do my part!
Coach Laura
I would say Buffalo, given the need to have your income and barred in NY. Philadelphia second. If you had a NY based job, Amtrak from Philly to NY is only 1.5-2 hours and cheap. You could do work on the train if you had to go in once a week or so. No to Florida (politics), Portland (cost of living and crime), LA traffic sucks and very few walkable neighborhoods. My son is a medical resident at UCLA and there are a few places to live that are walkable, but of course very expensive.
Anecdata
I grew up in Portland and I tell everyone who’s excited about moving there to visit for a week in February… then imagine 9 months of that and make sure it seems okay. The weather is /mild/ in that it rarely snows much but some years it is very consistently rainy for months and months on end, and some people really struggle with that
If you would otherwise go with Portland, there are suburbs & towns around the edges with a very different safety & quality of living picture but close enough to access the city’s job market. West Linn, Wilsonville, Hillsborough are all popular with families (although cost of housing is rising rapidly)
Anonymous
UCLA has student family housing called University Village. Look into the current rates for apartments there. There is a bus that goes directly from this housing to UCLA campus.
A
If you’re used to Montreal winter, then Buffalo would be similar
Elle
I just found out that my dad fell off the wagon from New Years until about a week ago. He was about 6 months sober. I appreciate his honesty but also feel sad and deceived (I’ve seen him every couple weeks during that time). Does anyone have book suggestions or advice on how to manage? I don’t know how much to tell him that I’m upset and risk pushing him away vs knowing its an addiction and he’s doing the best he can.
Anon
Are you looking for books for yourself or your father? As someone going on 2+ years sober but for whom it took over a decade to truly quit, I do not recommend trying to push any books on him. If you want to understand more about how alcohol affects people (and why it is so addicting), I recommend Quit Like a Woman and The Naked Mind.
If you need support for yourself, Al-Anon is recommended a lot, but I can’t speak to that from personal experience.
Trust me, your dad knows you are disappointed/upset/whatever with and/or at him.
Elle
Oh sorry- I should have clarified the book is for me.
anon
No book recommendations, but therapy and/or support for you, whatever that looks like.
Anonymous
Al-Anon
Chl
Al-Anon
Anon
go to al anon.
anonshmanon
I wonder if you could thank him for being honest with you, and also be honest with him that it makes you feel worried and sad, then perhaps ask what his next plans are? Basically, share some of your feelings while cutting blame/guilt out of the equation. YMMV
Coach Laura
This is good advice. A close family member has been sober for six wonderful years. It is scary at the beginning and honesty on the part of the drinker is important. Being worried but not blaming/guilting is a good way, IMHO.
Also, Al-anon or a therapist of your own. I did the therapist part.
Anon
1000x go to al-anon.
Smokey
Absolutely get to Al-Anon, but appreciate that relapse is often a part of recovery. And while it’s totally reasonable for you to feel hurt, angry, sad and afraid, alcoholics and addicts who relapse will not be eager to share that with the family. There’s so much shame. Get thee to Al-Anon.
BeenThatGuy
All of this. Sobriety is not linear. I have a friend who jokes that he’s been sober for 20 years…just not consecutively. There is a tremendous amount of shame surrounding relapse. You’re allowed to be hurt and disappointed. But I promise you, your dad is disappointed more in himself than you can ever be. It’s a positive sign that he shared with you. If you’re willing, keep those communication lines open. And get to Al-Anon.
Trish
If you are unhappy with his behavior when he is drinking, then you don’t owe him a relationship with you. That said, his failure to tell you has nothing to do with you and focusing on that is just self-centered on your part. That is exactly what I told my son when he found out his dad was still smoking. It is an addiction and denial/hiding is part of the disease.
slight disagreement
Your son’s trust has been violated and it is not self-centered to be hurt by that. Both can be true: Denial is part of the disease and also it is hurtful to be on the receiving end of it.
Trish
I get where you are coming from. When this happened with my teenage son, I explained to him that Daddy was ashamed that he could not quit smoking and that it had nothing to do with him or their relationship. I didn’t tell him that he was being self-centered but clearly stated that it had nothing to do with him and Daddy’s love for him. But OP is a grown woman who is being self-centered. You cannot say you understand and forgive the relapse and the addition but not the lying because the lying is part of the disease.
Fallen
Recommend the beyond addictions workbook for family and friends. I am a therapist and have read quite a bit on the subject and this has been my favorite.
emeralds
Does anyone want to do some vicarious shopping? I want a new dress for a wedding at an art museum in Pennsylvania this spring and I’m having trouble finding anything that sparks joy. The dress code is cocktail. I’m thinking midi and I’d like to have a structural but s*xy vibe. Maybe a two-piece? I’m in the size 2-4 range, pretty straight up and down build, and do not need something bra-friendly. I’d prefer to stay under $200 but could go up to $250/$300 for something perfect.
HFB
anthropologie hutch pleated sweetheart dress. i bought it in “multi” which is an awesome swirl of green, blue, and pink,but that color is no longer on their website. they do still seem to have it in navy.
i’m usually between 6p and 8p and the 6p fits me with a bit of room to spare.
Anon
This is long, but it’s so pretty: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/bhldn-ruby-twist-halter-satin-gown?category=cocktail-wedding-guest-dresses&color=060&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
This is midi: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/sachin-babi-sadie-halter-tie-neck-hammered-satin-gown?category=cocktail-wedding-guest-dresses&color=040&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
If you want 2 piece, maybe one of the tulle skirts that everyone has been lusting after.
anon
this! https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/significant-other-demi-backless-long-sleeve-column-gown?category=dresses&color=070&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
Smokey
Lovely!
Anon
How do you reapply sun protection mid-day if you are wearing makeup? I want to get a walk into my day after lunch but don’t want to get too much sun exposure on my face and need to be presentable when I get back from my walk so wearing a hat seems out of the question.
Anon
Giant floppy hat might work. Baseball cap wouldn’t.
Anon
+1
This is what I do.
And I have a more compact winter version with a smaller brim that pulls down low on the face.
Anonymous
I live in Texas so I take sun protection seriously. I use a sunscreen power by Mineral Fusion which provides additional sun protection while toning down the oiliness which is ever present in the summer here. I think SuperGoop makes a sunscreen spray that can be used over makeup which might be another option for you.
Anon
Powder sunscreen.
Anon
Do you think that they really give adequate sun coverage? I want to believe, but don’t want to find out the hard way.
Anonymous
Spray sunscreen over your makeup. Supergoop and Coola both sell makeup setting sprays with SPF for this purpose.
Anon
I have a fine mist sunscreen that is marketed for this exact problem. Mine is by la roche-posay but I think garnier, bondi sands and ultrasun also do versions (I’m in the UK though).
Lydia
supergoop also makes a face spray that’s good for this!
anon
I’ve seen powders that are infused with sunscreen. You could try one of those. Or the floppy hat.
Cat
you really need to reapply midday? Like, wearing a BB cream with SPF 20, applied at 8:30am, is gone by noon?
Anonymous
yup, WHO recommends reapplying every 2 hours.
RR
I bought some Supergoop powder sunscreen that works well for reapplication. There are also some light mists you can spray on, but the powder worked best for me.
Anon
Can you wear a visor?
Coach Laura
Colorescience powder. I wear it to set my face in the morning and take with for re-application. Also the spray Supergoop is going to be my go-to in Arizona this year.
Anonymous
Get a compact that has SPF. Those billed as powder foundations tend to be heavier duty. I haven’t had luck with the spf powder or makeup setting spray from supergoop, though I love many of their other products. I’m very fair and burn easily though, so ymmv.
Katherine Vigneras
I’m late to this but Shiseido and SunBum both make solid sticks – they look like a mini deodorant – that go on over makeup without moving it around. That + big hat + sunglasses should have you more than covered.
Anon
Can anyone help me with my first world problem regarding my iced coffee obsession? I drink probably around 30 to 40 ounces of iced coffee a day. My favorite iced coffee is the Starbucks Medium Roast Iced Coffee that you can buy in the grocery store, but it has increased in price due to inflation. I can afford it, but I feel…silly? ridiculous? somehow… buying 3 to 4 containers of it per week. I’ve made iced coffee at home in the past, and my problem is always that my homemade iced coffee always has a sour or acidic taste to it that I can’t stand. Am I using the wrong type of coffee? Wrong process? I’ve also encountered this with other brands of premade iced coffee in the store.
anon
I’d say … keep buying what you like. I have tried making iced coffee at home and have never been pleased with the results, even though my favorite hot coffee is the coffe I make. :) And it’s hard to find a store brand that tastes right, too. If you’re concerned about the cost, I’d cut back on the quantity. That is a LOT of caffeine, friend.
Anon
+1 Keep buying what you like. You say you can afford it. This isn’t a problem.
Anonymous
Do you use the SB medium roast beans at home? I just use beans, ice, and a splash of milk. Never had a sour taste. Use same brand as I use for hot coffee. Does the store bought kind have sugar added? It might just be that you are adding less sugar?
startup lawyer
are you using cold water to brew? I would also get cold brew bags – that makes the brew a lot smoother too
Anonymous
I have a nespresso and found that I can make a pretty good iced coffee with it. They have pods specifically formulated for ice coffee.
Anonymous
If there’s an Aldi near you, they usually have the best price for it (I’ve seen Stok, Califia, and sometimes Starbucks there). Also if you’re making it at home, I would recommend a dark roast — it seems counterintuitive but I think the lighter roasts have that sour flavor.
Anon
To make good iced coffee at home, start with good beans (high quality and not stale) and grind them yourself. Experiment with different roasts. Iced coffee and cold brew have different tastes; decide which you like best.
A French press works well for either method. For iced coffee, pour in hot water, let it sit for about four minutes, press down the plunger, and then decant into a container to go into the fridge. For cold brew, fill up the press with cold water, let it sit for a day, and then press the plunger down.
Anon
I mean, if you can afford it and that much caffeine isn’t harming you…who cares? Just buy it. We get so few joys in life!
Trixie
Are you buying the same beans that are used in the Starbucks blend? It might take some trial and error to figure it out but that should help. Try filtered water. Post in Reddit in the coffee lovers area…someone might know.
Anonymous
Are you making iced coffee from hot coffee or making cold brew? I suggest cold brewing at home. I use the Cuisinart mechanism but honestly preferred the Toddy when I had it.
pugsnbourbon
I’m generally in the school of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it,” so if you’re happy with the setup and can afford it, carry on.
That said, I have a glass cold-brew maker that is an integral part of my life. It’s held up for about three years now, longer than the plastic Takeya I had previously. It was a gift and I can’t remember the brand, but it’s similar to this one: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/joyjolt-fresco-cold-brew-coffee-maker-32-oz/7318615?color=CLEAR&utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=seo_shopping&utm_channel=low_nd_seo_shopping
ArenKay
This is the answer. I have a glass cold brew maker and never buy iced coffee anymore.
Anon
I’m more concerned about the caffeine you’re consuming than the money you’re spending, TBH.
Some quick Googling lead me to the information that the product you’re buying has 160 mg of caffeine per 12-ounce serving. Do you put milk or oat milk or anything in with the coffee? Do you dilute it at all? If you’re just drinking the coffee as it comes out of the bottle, on the days you drink 40 oz of it you’re consuming 533 mg of caffeine. A “healthy” level of consumption is supposed to be 400mg a day. If you’re not experiencing health problems from it, fine, but it’s going to be really hard for you to cut back without having monster headaches and other withdrawal symptoms.
Rather than making cold brew at home, I would think about tapering back your consumption to maybe 24-32 ounces a day, maximum and then you’ll both be buying fewer bottles and consuming less caffeine. You could also try diluting the product – maybe try a 1:4 or 1:5 water-to-coffee ratio and see if that stretches a bottle further (it will definitely lower the per-serving caffeine content).
Anon
How have you been making the iced coffee at home? If you are brewing in a drip brewer and chilling, try using a cold brewer. Cold brewing helps with the acidity and mellows it out.
PolyD
Dumb question – I like hot coffee, but am intrigued by cold brew. Can you make cold brew and just heat it up, or does that change the taste/hurt the delicate coffee molecules?
I do microwave my second cup of coffee in the morning, so I’m not opposed to microwaving coffee.
Agent99
I know people who do this – cold brew is less acidic than hot coffee so they make cold brew and heat it up. It will taste different but some people like it!
Anon
Yes! I do this when I’m visiting my daughter. I love hot coffee and am meh on cold coffee.
anon
Are you making cold brew iced coffee? So making it with coffee grounds in cold water in the fridge? This for me guarantees a weird, sour flavor. I am also a big iced coffee fan and honestly I just make a french press of hot coffee every night, let it cool to room temp in a tea pot, and then put it in the fridge in a thermos. Tastes great.
Anonymous
This. Cold brew is gross.
Former Starbucks Barista
If you enjoy it, and can afford it, keep getting it! You could also look at iced coffee concentrates (Chameleon makes one); you mix it with water before drinking it. Might be cheaper, might not be. I can tell you that a decade ago, Starbucks would make iced coffee by brewing a pot of extra strong Verona and then adding ice to it until the whole pitcher was iced coffee. So you could try getting a pound of Verona coffee beans (ground or whole) and make a pot with double the amount of ground coffee in your filter, then pour the pot of hot coffee into a separate pitcher and add ice until you have basically doubled the original amount of coffee. When we poured the hot coffee into the clear pitcher, the pitcher would be 1/2 to just under 3/4 of the way full; we would then just add ice until the pitcher was full, slap the lid on and store it in the fridge.
anon
I need new jeans, and I have a feeling that I need to graduate beyond Old Navy to something that’s a better fit for my 40-something body. I hate spending much jeans since they’re for weekends only, but I do need them and wear them! For the middle aged crowd, what are your favorite brands? I don’t need the trendiest wash or cut, but I don’t want to look like I’ve given up, either. Is Mother a good brand for pears? And how much do you budget for jeans? I’m definitely in the quality, not quantity, stage of life.
Anon
I personally love Banana Republic’s jeans, especially their trouser flares. For higher end, I also like Paige. Also flares. I find both work well in the office. Mother is more weekend for me (they’re tighter around the waist) but a very on trend brand that does work in a casual office. For mother, Paige, etc., they run $200-300. Banana is more like 150.
Anon
I’m middle aged and a bit round and I like Frame and also Rag & Bone. I buy the more classic versions in either brand.
Shanananananan
I have had solid luck with Kut from the Kloth at Nordstrom Rack, my friend swears by Ann Taylor and Loft denim, but we have wildly different bottom halves. I also used to get a ton of use out of American Eagle even as a fully grown adult, but they seem to change fit models every few years so one years jeans fit completely different then the next.
So the sad answer is – go try things on and see what brands are friendly to you. I like Nordstrom Rack for baby stepping into nicer brands, but also mall brands may be the step above Old Navy without being two hundred dollars a pair that you are looking for.
Anon100
I just picked up a pair of jeans from GAP and it was everything I wanted as a size 4 pear – dark wash, slim leg, mid rise, fit me perfectly, and with the discounts it was about $40. I used to be an Old Navy gal too but recently I’ve picked up some nicer pieces from GAP without blowing a fortune. I was willing to spend up to $100 for a nice pair of jeans but I tried them on at all the “nicer” places in the mall and none of them fit me…
Anonymous
I have had good luck with the Gap girlfriend jeans, although the sizing is inconsistent between washes. I’m short waisted with thick legs and nothing else fits as well.
Anne-on
I’ve given up on Madewell, which is sad because they used to be great but the new cuts/fits are just odd. I surprisngly had good luck at Ann Taylor Loft this past weekend for ‘straight’ leg (more of a skinny wide leg) jean. I also saw the best options at Anthropologie – the ‘pilcro’ brand had the best bootcut jeans. Rag and Bone had good options but were twice the price and the sizing ran crazy big – I was wearing a 25 in some cuts and I wasn’t even a size 25 in the days of the original sevens back in my 20s.
Anon
Gap. You don’t need to necessarily spend a lot of money, you just need to find the right cuts.
anon
Gap seems to cut narrowly on the hip for me, unfortunately.
Anon
+1
Me too. I find it very hard to find flattering jeans for pears/extreme pears, especially if you have any tummy and a small waist.
Anon
Gap jeans have never worked for me, going back to 1994, because I have a significantly different waist and hip measurement. My friends who are more rectangle body type have much better luck.
dear reader
Oh I love jeans, but I can wear them for work so I don’t mind having a bunch of varieties around. I have tried the more expensive brands and just never really seem to feel that they’re worth the extra $$ that I can get from the mid-price point brands. So my advice below is based on that….
+1 to the Banana Republic recommendation for jeans. I never would have tried them out but found them in a thrift store and was very pleasantly surprised on how great they fit me.
My very favorite pair right now is SUPER random – Billabong Free Fall wide leg pant. I have a black pair, and they are so comfortable and flattering. I bought them from Amazon on a total whim, and I’m obsessed. On the Billabong website and they have a lot of materials and color choices.
Which leads me to my best recommendation for finding jeans, although I’m always hesitant to write it here since I feel like so many of you are going to give it a major ewww…If you are into thrift stores, you can really try on a lot of brands in your size at a good thrift store and figure out what brands to focus on way more quickly than ordering/returning. My nearby small city is usually really well stocked in my sizes, and I can try on 20 different brands in one dressing room. As I’ve fluctuated in sizes the last few years, it’s been such a time saver and I’ve tried brands that I never would have thought to check before. From there, I’ll check out the actual stores if I want a specific cut/color I can’t find in the thrift store.
Anan
+1 Thrift Store. Or Consignment store would have a more curated collection- our thrift store is huge and exhausting for me to go through.
pugsnbourbon
Those Billabong pants are super cute! As a landlocked Midwestern teen I always longed for “surfer” clothes. Pac Sun dreams on a Kohl’s clearance budget :)
Anon
My middle-aged mom jeans are Wit & Wisdom.
Senior Attorney
I have been happy with my Levi’s wedgie fit straight jeans. Also a big plus one for Banana Republic trouser jeans.
Senior Attorney
I see they’re all on sale today at Nordstrom.
Laura
I’m a big fan of AG and Jcrew jeans.
Anon
Does anyone have any recipes for great-tasting chia pudding? I bought a 2 lb bag of it for the health benefits but no one in my family is eating it! I love it plain but apparently it needs something.
Anon
I think it’s much better with fruit. I usually add blueberries (frozen, but thawed).
Anon
No such thing exists.
Anne-on
Ha, sad but true. I’ve only gotten our family to eat it by putting a small amount into muffins or pancake batter for a protein boost.
Emma
I mix into oatmeal, not a fan of it alone. Some people use coconut milk, and I agree with the fruit suggestion.
Anonymous
I don’t think you’ll be able to convince your family to eat chia pudding. What puts people off is the texture, and you can’t fix that.
Anon
Don’t force your family to eat chia seeds if they don’t want to?
I always put it in full fat yogurt with pumpkin seeds too, and fruit or at least honey.
Anonymous
Chocolate chia pudding. Whisk one tablespoon cocoa powder into 1.5 cups milk. Then add 6 tablespoons of chia seeds, one teaspoon vanilla extract, and two tablespoons of maple syrup or honey. Refrigerate overnight or for at least 4 hours. This makes 3 servings for me. Eat plain or top with nuts/berries/whatever.
Anon
For similar nutritional benefits, I’ve been enjoying hemp hearts. I like the texture better when added to things and they make a decent vegan Parmesan substitute on pasta when mixed with nutritional yeast and garlic powder.
helloanon
The texture of chia seed pudding doesn’t do it for me, but I put chia seeds into my fruit smoothies before blending and enjoy them like that. They still retain a little crunch/bite but nothing more than you get with seeded fruit.
Anon
Milk and bananas. Maybe a dash of honey.
My notoriously picky toddler will gobble down my soy milk/chia/banana concoction.
Ribena
I bought milled rather than whole chia seeds, but I have been mixing it into overnight oats. For a single portion I do about 40 grams of oats, a tablespoon each of peanut butter and jam, or a tablespoon of chocolate spread, a tablespoon of milled chia seeds, and 100ml or so of milk. (I also make it in almost-empty jars of any of the above, it’s a good way to use up the last little bit)
Anon
I make chocolate chia pudding and I love it. No specific recipe but I use cocoa powder and maple syrup. And I top it with fruit.
anon
I use the directions on the package for pudding (something like 1 cup milk/milk alternative to 1/4 cup chia seeds, but I could be mistaken), add a combination of sugar, cocoa powder, and a pinch of salt. I’m not a fan of maple syrup as the sweetener, even though it’s in a ton of recipes. In the winter, buy frozen cherries, warm them in the microwave, and serve on top.
Anan
I do a chocolate chia pudding that is chia seeds, coconut milk and cocoa powder. Or I throw it into smoothies or baked goods.
AnonMom
A teaspoon of maple syrup or honey and a dash of salt make it much more palatable.
thanksgiving anxiety
I had an amazing one this morning with lemon zest, seeds (I think pepitas?), and berries in it from a coffee shop. I’m guessing it was sweetened with maple syrup or honey. I’d also experiment with cinnamon/nutmeg/cardamom.
Anon
I’m going to a wedding with a creative black tie dress code and I am so excited about it. But the options are endless and I haven’t even narrowed down what kind of look I want to go for. What would you wear? Links appreciated! My own budget is probably $500, but I’m open to seeing inspiration from more expensive options.
pugsnbourbon
Maybe something from Milly?
South Africa in July/August?
Hi, I’m thinking of visiting Capetown and the wine region in South Africa in late July/early August, but I’ve heard this is basically the worst time of year, weather-wise, to visit. Anyone have any experience with this?
Anon
I’ve never heard that! We were combining Cape Town with safari and were actually told that July and August is the best time to go. We went last week of July and first week of August and had a great trip. It’s their winter, but the winter in South Africa is super mild compared to most of the US.
dear reader
Looking for an outfit for a disco themed baby shower, costumes encouraged. Yes, it’s extra, but I adore my friend who it is for, so we’re going for it. Please help though? I love flared jeans and pants, platform shoes, flowy clothes, so adding something in that vein to my closet is not the end of the world. I’m not opposed to sequins but I also don’t want to spend $$$ for something I’m going to wear one time.
Anne-on
Flared jeans, a sequin top, fun shoes and big hair/outrageous makeup? Some options for tops:
https://www.anthropologie.com/search?q=sequin&attributionProductType=Tops
Ribena
Thanks to Daisy Jones there will be so much of that in the shops this year. I’d buy a pair of great flared jeans, and wear a good white tee with a sparkly cowboy hat. Think Harry Styles concert for the vibe I’m trying to get at!
pugsnbourbon
Okay this is very fun and your friend is cool. I hope you have a great time!
dear reader
oh absolutely my friend is super cool! :) she didn’t even want a shower but since she got dragged into it, now it’s going to be awesome. honestly she can do whatever she wants since she really won me over when she requested that people bring their gifts unwrapped so we don’t have to spend over an hour watching gifts being opened. amazzzzzing.
Senior Attorney
Turns out Amazon has a TON of disco costumes for not much money. Type in “women’s disco outfit” in the search bar and you’re good to go.
dear reader
Good call! Order placed for flare sequin pants and a cropped shirt that I am very excited about.
S
Negotiation advice needed. I had an informal discussion with a company about a role they wanted to create a few months ago. At the time, it was posed as mostly work at home with some travel for public speaking at conferences and they asked me what sort of salary I would be looking for. They now have funding and shared a formal job description–and the travel is listed as being as much as 40 percent. I’m not opposed–I enjoy speaking and it would be a great way to get insights to help the rest of the job. But that’s a much bigger impact on my life and I wouldn’t have quoted as low of a salary. Is this something I can still negotiate now that I’m seeing more details? How much higher do you think I could go?
Anecdata
have another conversation/interview and ask more info about the travel and what they’re envisioning (it might not really be 40%; I’ve definitely worked places that pad the travel estimates, or require job listings to use the max of predefined ranges, etc). Get info on any other stuff that would impact your qol — does it matter to you how far in advance travel is planned, many shorter trips vs fewer longer ones, etc
Then the words are : “Now that I’m learning more about the role & responsibility I’d be looking for the range of NewRange for a role like this”.
Basically, you can’t usually change your range significantly once you’ve given it, but an exception is when you have significant new information, which sounds like this scenario. Say it early, so both sides can decide whether it makes sense to continue moving forward.
Anon
Can you ask for clarification, noting that this is different from your prior discussions so you want to understand if the plans have changed. If this is just listed at the bottom, there’s a chance that it’s an error or overestimate. I’d start information gathering, and if they say “yes, now…..” then that’s your opening to say that your salary expectations would change based on this.
Anonymous
Definitely understand what that 40% is. Is it a once/month week in the office + speaking engagements? Or is it kindly telling you that there may be a month where between speaking engagements + internal travel you might be looking at 40% for a given period?
Knit snags
Kind of a niche question, but just in case someone has done this. I pulled out a St. John knit blazer I haven’t worn in years this morning and saw that it had about a dozen tiny snags in various places. Nothing that you can really see unless you look close up, but they look kind of like tiny bumps. This is that St. John knit fabric that isn’t tweed and feels almost synthetic (if that makes sense). I’m thinking of going through and trying to pull the snags to the backside with a needle then maybe sewing them in place there with a few stitches. Is that worth doing to prevent more damage?
Coach Laura
Yes – what you need is a Snag-grab-it from a sewing store or amazon. $4 or so. I use mine all the time.
Coach Laura
Small correction Snag Nab-it but the other name find it on a search.
Anon
New discovery for my sewing basket—thank you.