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advice please
Happy Monday!
Tips on dealing with guilt when disagreeing with parents? I’m mid-20s, living at home while in grad school. I’m very close with my parents, I’ve pretty much always agreed with them and taken their advice about life decisions. Now there’s one big area where I’m making a personal decision they disagree with (I’m in a long-term relationship with someone of a different race; despite seeing that my bf is incredibly supportive, loving, and kind, they have consistently voiced the same concerns about his race/culture which I do not share). I am very confident I’m making the right choice, but I’m struggling with how to move forward – it’s hard for me to feel close to my parents when I know they disapprove. I also feel guilty for making them upset, even though I don’t believe I’m doing anything wrong.
It’s hard to talk about this with my parents because they get very defensive. So, hoping for advice on what I should do or say to myself when these feelings come up – how to get past the guilt and reach a more mature dynamic. Would love a parent’s perspective too. Thank you.
Anony
I’m sorry youre dealing with this. I’m not sure how long youve been living with them/how long you have left but I think its really time to get your own place. I think having a healthy physical distance will help you transition the relationship to a more mature dynamic as well as help you mature more as a person with their own set of values.
Whether or not youre not able to get your own place anytime soon, I would find a school counselor/therapist (I believe this is usually covered by school tuition/fees) to help you get through this.
Frozen Peach
Oh wow, I’ve been there. My folks were not supportive of my mixed-race relationship for a long time. Especially if you’ve always been close with them, start working on boundaries now. Consider finding a counselor to talk to. I’m a Christian, so the phrase I heard a lot was “leave and cleave”– the idea that you need to create your own family apart from your family of origin when you get married. But in general, living values that are different from your parents’ while still having a good relationship with them is a hard but important thing. It takes time and getting comfortable being uncomfortable sometimes. A book like Boundaries by Henry Cloud might be super helpful. Or Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things.
Take it from me, your parents will get over it, no matter how much it seems like they won’t. The gut wrenching “I’m betraying them” sick feeling gets better and fades as you test whether it’s right about things or not. My parents threatened not to come to our wedding. Now they get along better with my SO than me at least half the time. You will always regret not staying true to what you want and know to be right. Don’t do that to yourself. Part of why I had the courage to stay with my SO despite their naysaying and nastiness was because I’d made the mistake once before (and I still regret it).
OP
Thank you. It means a lot to hear from people who have been there and it seems like you really felt the way I do. I am very hopeful I’ll get to the point where you are now… it just seems so far away.
I requested those books from the library!
Ellen
My family was not happy when I was considering dateing Gonzalo. They knew Sheketovits, who was my ex, was no good, but they were NOT ready for Gonzalo. Fortunately, they never had to face this issue seriously b/c I caught him with his hands on the tuchus of another woman with whom he seemed to have spent the night. That was enough for me, and I never dated him again. FOOEY on a man who has his hands where they do not belong on one woman when he was looking to have s-x with me! That did NOT happen, fortunately!
Anonymous
You’re going to need to learn to distinguish between true guilt — you’ve done something wrong — and false guilt — you feel just as guilty but haven’t actually done anything wrong.
The truth: your relationship with your parents is changing, in a large way. You’re introducing something into the family with which they disagree. That is inevitably going to affect the relationship. It doesn’t mean you are wrong, just that you can’t expect to change things and also have them remain exactly the same.
Unlike other posters, i’m not automatically assuming your parents are racist bigots, because you haven’t told us the cultures involved. If your parents ARE out and out bigots, that’s one thing. But if they are pointing out that you’re considering marrying a man from a different country who was raised with very different cultural values from yours… then that’s a different thing. Depending on that culture’s values and priorities, you could be facing difficult dynamics with raising children and dealing with extended family situations.
Anonymous
Okay, but parents love to assume their children share their own culture and values. These “concerns” are often just a way of pressuring the next generation to conform. I think it makes sense to ask yourself whether you’ll want your parents’ life by the time you are their age; many people will. But it’s also okay to conclude that you love and respect your parents and still want something different out of life.
Anonymous
It’s not up to you to explain or try to change your parents’ minds. They’re racist and that won’t change. Be a grownup, live your life, stop looking to them for approval, and move out.
Anonymous
Your parents are racist. That’s a hard thing to accept. I think it’s time for you to decide whether you are an independent individual or not. Figure out how to move out.
Curious
I’m really sorry you have to deal with this. I know this view is rampant in 2018, but I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that people can dislike someone solely for their race. What about his race bothers your parents? What do they think will happen if you marry him? Is it just that he is a different race from them or something else?
Anonymous
What? Sorry to burst your bubble but racism is not remotely rare.
Curious
Huh? I realize that, which is why I said “I know this view is rampant in 2018.”
Anonymous
So sorry completely misread you.
Anonymous
I suspect her parents aren’t saying “We don’t like him because of his skin color” but rather they’re saying that they think the different cultures will be an issue if/when they get married and have a family, and have different views about family and child-rearing. It may not be accurate and it’s certainly not very supportive of their daughter, but I don’t think it’s the same as disliking someone solely because of their race.
My best friend is Indian, I love her dearly and I love learning about her culture as a friend and have participated in Indian dance events with her, which I really enjoyed. But I would not have wanted to marry an Indian man because I know the culture differences would be too great for us to overcome as a couple. I’m not having in-laws living in my house, it’s just a dealbreaker for me, no matter how kind they are as individuals, but this is the norm in Indian culture. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just not my culture and is not something I want to do, and I’m entitled to feel that way. I can see it being something like that, and the parents are worried about (perceived) culture clashes, not skin color.
OP
Yes… my bf is from a culture like that. But for years before he even met me, he’d made it clear to his parents that he was going to live an American lifestyle (I said below, he was born and raised here). Obviously this is a tough issue, disappointing for his parents… but when it’s something we’ve chosen to deal with because we really love each other. And his parents do accept me now. I grew up with girlfriends from similar cultures so I was able to understand to a certain extent. I think it was fair for my parents to ask a lot about this in the beginning of my relationship, especially because I was young at the time, but at this point, their continued comments are just hurtful and honestly pointless because he and I are not going to break up over this.
Anonymous
The thing is though, wanting to live an American lifestyle is easy to say when you’re young and single. You’d be surprised how many people find themselves reverting to their family values when they get a little older and have a family of their own. I’ve seen it happen many times in many different contexts (religion, cultural values, childcare, etc.) Also, if rebelling against his family values will cause conflict between him and his parents, is that really something you want to get in the middle of? That may be what your parents are trying to say.
But I agree with you that once your parents have said what’s on their mind, they shouldn’t keep bringing it up.
OP
I understand all of that. It’s something he and I have talked about throughout the past several years. And that’s pretty much exactly what my parents say. I respond, I understand why you see this as an issue and it’s impossible for me to know precisely what the future holds, but I trust him and I believe we can work through those issues as they come up. I don’t know what else they want to hear, so I try to keep saying that each time. But it’s obviously damaging my relationship with my parents, and my bf’s relationship with them too.
Anonymous
“Live and American lifestyle” is rather vague.What does that mean to him in specifics? What does it mean to you. My advice is to discuss detailed expectations prior to getting engaged. Will you keep working after children? Who will watch them (his mother in your home?Is that ok? Will she start to take over?) What religion will they be. Will your money be pooled with his to pay bills? Who will be the decision maker on finances. What holidays will you celebrate? There are many others. I understand your parents concerns. Marriage is about more than just love. If his culture is patriarchal be especially careful.
OP
Stayed vague to avoid describing his specific culture. Thanks for this comment – it made me feel good because he and I have discussed every single one of those things at length and we are in agreement – at least theoretically (which is really all we can do at this point). This is certainly not an issue we sweep under the rug – it’s part of our relationship and we know we’ll have to work on it consistently.
Anonymous
OP – I suggest you stop discussing this with your parents. You’re an adult, they’re not entitled to details about your life or your relationship.
anon
I get what you’re saying in the average case, but I’d be careful about things like “I would not have wanted to marry and Indian man because…..” because to make a long story short #notallIndians. I have one Indian parent and one American one, and I grew up with a fair number of Indian kids who’s parents’ expectations weren’t very traditional and who ended up leading not very traditional Indian adult lives without a problem. If you wouldn’t have wanted to marry a traditional Indian man, I get that. I don’t either. But it’s not like we all share the same ideas and values about how we want to interact with our culture. Or even it’s not like we all share the same culture. Even if the assumptions of what Indian American men want are true in the general case, we have to see people as individuals and allow them to be different. Allow them to define who they are and what they value, and believe them when they tell us.
Anonymous
You’re right, I should have said I wouldn’t want to marry an Indian man whose parents have these expectations. Even if the guy himself says “I’m going to go against my parents,” I’m skeptical of that and I don’t think it would end well – either conflict between me and him or conflict between us and his parents, neither of which is good. But if the parents are supportive of a less traditional lifestyle then it might be fine.
Anon
I’m Indian. You’re being rude and disrespectful to Indian men – who are not a monolith. Yes, there are prevalent cultural customs, but not all Indian men are the same. Why are white men allowed to be seen as individuals, and Indian men are not? Check yourself.
Anonymous
Oh please. It’s not rude or disrespectful.
Anonymous
Fwiw, my Indian friend didn’t want to marry a white man. Was she treating them as a monolith? It’s reasonable to want a life partner from a similar cultural background. It makes life a lot easier.
Anonymous
Im a white woman married to an Indian man and I agree that this is disrespectful and paints a whole giant diverse culture with a pretty broadly negative brush.
Anonymous
I guess it’s easier to reproduce the culture and values you inherited from your parents if you marry into the same culture and values, but it’s harder to improve on them.
Anon
It is absolutely rude and disrespectful to dismiss an entire group of people out of hand just because of their race or culture.
anon
yeah I agree with this.
OP
Thank you. It’s kind of what a commenter said above – concerns about different cultural values. But my bf was born and raised here in the US – his parents are the ones who have different values, whereas he and I share the same ones. My parents can’t seem to internalize that. They are very friendly and kind to him, it’s not like they ever make racist comments about him. But they are stuck on the idea that our futures are incompatible because we have different relationships with our families, etc.
Anokha
I literally have been there. What helped was seeing a therapist who helped me understand that my parents are neither omniscient nor infallible. It began the shift where I could see my parents as flawed humans, just like anyone else. And — if it’s helpful — eight years later, I’m married to the guy they disapproved of, and they have admitted (not to me, but whatever) that they were wrong.
OP
Thank you. I’ve seen a therapist and talked about the same exact things. It’s helped me in my relationship with my parents in other ways – i.e. not feeling like a bad person if they snap at me or I don’t do something they expect. But it’s harder with this issue, I guess because it’s such a big thing and I’m so used to being open with them – my mom especially.
Anonymous
I mean…differing cultural values can be hard to navigate, but we also live in a pretty se*ist American culture overall. I’ve been cheated on by men from the same background. I’ve had men lie to me. I’ve had plenty of unsolicited pics sent to me. Plenty of relationships fail when both partners are from the same background. I’d keep that in mind when setting boundaries with your parents. There’s no guarantee someone from your background would be a better or easier fit. Any relationship is about partnership, negotiation, and building trust/common ground.
Anon
I’ve been there too- I didn’t see this specifically mentioned in the thread is that once I realized my parents were going to be an issue, my then-bf and I had a very frank discussion. I let him know their thoughts ( as another poster referenced, they were cloaked in the perceived cultural issues, not at all on who he was as a person) and told him that I felt strongly enough about him to fight it out with them, but if he didn’t feel like it was something he wanted to put himself through, I would totally understand that. He felt the same way I do, and we decided to continue with our relationship. We ultimately broke up after 6 years, but having him on my side and supportive of me/us was invaluable. My sisters and his family were extremely supportive as well.
Anonymous
I’m a parent. My adult son makes decisions that make me ARGGGHHH sometimes. Sometimes he does things I flat out disagree with. I am VERY proud of him for forging his own path. When I see my son stand up to me in disagreement it makes me feel good (mingled with frustration!) because I know he will not be easily pushed around by the world. Emotionally I still want him to do whatever I say. Logically, I am glad he has his own mind and makes his own decisions.
As a fellow human I would also like to say that I am impressed by you! It’s not easy to go from being the compliant “good girl” to making a decision that goes against your (beloved, I assume) parents’ wishes, so you are making me proud and hopeful of a future where people can make decisions based on what’s best for them rather than judging people on categories based on fear.
As an older married person, make sure you are not with this guy BECAUSE your parents don’t like him; pay attention to how he treats you (keep your standards high); and examine carefully how the two of you handle conflict and finances.
Good luck… you got this!
OP
This honestly made me tear up a little bit. Thank you!! I was hoping someone would respond from this perspective because as the daughter, I experience the same divide – emotionally I want to make my parents happy and proud, but logically I know that I am an adult who needs to make independent decisions. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
busybee
Part of being an adult is respecting your parents while living your own life. You’re not doing anything wrong. They’re being racist and bigoted. You don’t need to feel sorry for disagreeing with them. You shouldn’t feel guilty- they should.
Anonymous
Could use help with something I bet the Hive is very experienced with. More and more often I am working late, often past 10pm or 11pm in the office. I find that working any time past 8pm and I have a hard time sleeping due to not being able to “unwind”, I feel too wired and can’t disengage from work mode and the adrenaline that comes with it. Many of you do this routinely and then go to sleep directly after, how?
s
Dimming my computer screen helps. (Too much light and it’s a physical thing of not being able to rest.) I also make a point of an hour or so of unwinding around the house, even if it’s super late. Putting dishes away, etc. is a routine that helps me feel like it’s “home” time. I also will listen to a lot of stand-up comedy when trying to fall asleep, even when it’s routines I’ve hear a ton. Puts me in a more relaxed mood. I also try to mentally check out and make a rule not to look at email until 6 a.m.
Anonymous
+1 to this – look up the program FLux. I also change clothes ASAP when home.
Horse Crazy
+1 to F.Lux!
LawyrChk
+1 to all of these, and I also try for a 10-20 minutes “unwind yoga” session. There are a few on Youtube that you can use (Yoga with Adrienne has a couple I like). It’s light stretching, breathing and meditation rather than hard flow, and it puts me in the right mindset to let the day go.
OP, I think what you’re describing is totally normal. It’s really hard to finish working on something high stress and be able to fall right to sleep without experiencing insomnia or stress dreams.
Anonymous
I hope this isn’t a threadjack – but how do you deal with this level of stress more generally? I recently started a new job with later nights/more work and I’m feeling perpetually overwhelmed and thinking about work constantly.
tz
I find making lists of every little stressor helps. I know I am not going to miss something and it frees up brain space for me to concentrate on all the things.
I usually do a giant list on Monday morning before I dive into work titled Week of Date and keep adding to it as things come up. It has really helped with the feeling of being overwhelmed. I tend to mark the things that are urgent or jot down deadlines along the tasks whenever relevant
Anonymous
Use the Calm app.
anon
I listen to sleep themed guided meditations on the “insight timer” app.
TheElms
I find that having a routine helps. If I work past 9pm, I take a cab home, I read frivolous facebook type stuff in the cab. When I get home I talk to DH (this length varies depending on how much past 9pm and if its really late he’s asleep and I don’t do this), then hop in the shower, then in bed to listen to some of an audiobook, typically set on a sleep timer. Listening to the book helps me not think about work and typically that is enough to get me to sleep.
Anonymous
Taking a shower at night helps me too. I’m already going to be up, I might as well do something that will allow me to sleep a few minutes later in the morning. Plus, that way I can actually enjoy my fancy bath products instead of rushing through my routine.
Also, melatonin. It takes about 30 minutes to kick in for me, so I’ll take one right before I get int he shower. By the time I’m in my PJs I’m ready to sleep.
Anon
Weed gummies are what I use to help me sleep. I don’t particularly enjoy the sensation of being high, but they do help me sleep. I eat one about an hour before I want to go to bed.
Anonymous
+1 on the shower. I mean if it’s 3am, I’m probably stumbling to bed immediately after wrapping my work, but if it’s like midnight, I probably am still wired enough to need to calm down, and a shower (or even quick bath) helps a lot. So does stretching.
Random Dating Q
Here’s a (hopefully) fun question I was debating with some friends over the weekend, and I would love to get a broader spectrum of views-
When you go out a date, do you think the guy should pay or your should split the cost? Do you offer to pay and expect him to turn you down or to let you pay your half? If he does let you pay your share, do you assume he is less interested in you than if he had paid for the full date?
BabyAssociate
I always sincerely offer to pay half. If the guy insists on paying, I pick up the bill next time. If I know that I won’t see the guy again, I will insist on paying my half.
Agree
Same.
AIMS
This was always my approach. I have friends who think this is “not romantic” but I disagree. To each her own I guess.
Anonymous
Same. I think this sets a potential relationship off on the right, equitable footing. Or let him get dinner, but insist on picking up drinks (at a nice spot so the cost is comparable) afterwards.
CountC
Ditto.
Anonymous
I appreciate when guys offer to pay on a first date, and usually let them, unless it’s been a bad date and I know I won’t go out with them again, then I insist on splitting the bill. In my experience the guys who have been interested in dating me do offer to pay, and even if it’s old fashioned I appreciate the gesture.
Anonymous
I always offer genuinely. For a first date if he insists on paying I’ll let him. After that no.
Anonymous
It depends. I offer to pay, but usually if I a guy is interested in you, they’ll insist on paying. That whole exchange is a way to gauge how interested you are in each other. If I am not interested, I will insist on splitting. If we’re both interested it doesn’t matter who pays because presumably there are future opportunities for me to pay. Its also a good opportunity for a “thanks, I’ll get the next one.”
There are definitely nuances, like someone may not insist on paying if it really is a financial stretch for them, which is understandable and in that case it doesn’t mean that they’re not interested. I’ve definitely dated guys where I’ve insisted on paying because they seemed like they had low paying jobs, but it didn’t mean we weren’t interested in each other.
Anonymous
Yes this!
Is it Friday yet?
I believe the rule of thumb is that whoever did the asking out is supposed to pay – usually the guy does the asking out, so it’s on him to pay. I generally offer to split: a) if I’m totally not interested in seeing the dude again (unless he’s a jerk, then I don’t); or b) starting around date 4 or 5, if things seem to be progressing.
I’ve dated several guys that refused to let me pay at any point – those relationships never seem to last though, and one was clearly very uncomfortable about the fact that I was more successful financially than him. I think part of his insistence on paying was him trying to prove he fit into antiquated values regarding who should be the breadwinner. *shrugs*
IHHtown
Usually let the guy pay on the first date. It’s old school I admit, but it really does set the tone of the beginning stages of the relationship – if a guy isn’t even willing to buy you dinner he’s usually not worth your time. There’s no excuse if you don’t have a lot of money, make me dinner and let’s eat in a park. It’s the input of time, money (which was earned with their time), and effort that matters.
I usually offer to split or pay on the second or third date and tend to flip flop who pays as the relationship goes on. It evens out over time.
Jo March
My response is similar to what BabyAssociate said. I have asked guys out before and in those cases, I insisted on paying because I was the one who asked/initiated. If it’s past the first date and I have a better sense of whether I want to keep dating the guy, I feel more comfortable letting him pay if he insists because I know I can pick up the tab for movie tickets or another meal the next time we meet. In my experience, I have met guys who insist on paying because they want to/think it’s the polite thing to do and others who insist on paying because they think the reward is/should be gardening.
Also, I never expect a guy to pay and don’t go on dates to such expensive restaurants where I wouldn’t be willing to pay for the meal on my own. I can sometimes struggle with being assertive so I feel more comfortable saying no to a second date or even leaving early if the guy is complete creep if I know I’m not in a restaurant beyond my budget.
BabyAssociate
+1, this is all really well put
Anonymous
I always offer to pay my half but I think it would be nice if he paid. My first dates are usually coffee or a drink at happy hour (no food), so it strikes me as kind of cheap if a guy can’t shell out $5 to treat me. Especially since I usually have to drive to them and pay $20-40 for parking (and they know I’m driving into town to see them).
I ding guys way more, though, when they pay for my $5 beer and say, you can get the next one!, and then suggest that we go to dinner for our second date.
And Peggy
I’ve been with my guy for two and a half years, and hopefully I won’t be going on any more first dates, but you never know, and this is something I’ve thought about over the years, so here’s my two cents:
In theory, I think whoever proposed the date should pay, especially if they picked an expensive restaurant. In reality, I’m not comfortable letting a guy I just met treat me to dinner, because I don’t know him enough to know whether he’s going to expect something from me later, so I go in fully prepared to pay, or I suggest a second part of the evening and pay for that so we’re more or less even.
I don’t offer to split hoping he’ll turn me down, and it has very little to do with whether I plan on seeing him again or not. It’s not intended as a “test” per se, but whether he lets me pay or insists on splitting because he’s “the man” and it’s “his job” (or somewhere in between) may indicate whether we’d be a good match. I don’t think less of people who follow traditional gender roles in their romantic partnerships, it’s just not for me.
Anon
Married now. When I was dating my very strong preference was to split the bill. I didn’t just make a half hearted effort. I wanted to pay my share and I meant it. The idea that the man should pay for dates is horribly sexist and outdated.
Anonymous
I have to admit I was a little put-off when my now-husband expected me to pay half on our first date. But he explained that he was a feminist and thought the idea of the man paying was outdated. I saw his point and 15 years later, I think I made a very good decision…he has definitely lived up to his feminist credentials (does the majority of the cooking and grocery shopping and took a 1 year paternity leave to be home with our daughter).
Baconpancakes
Whomever asks, pays. The other person should offer, and possibly pay for a separate, smaller part of the date (i.e. if you ask him out to dinner, you pay for dinner, but then he can pay for ice cream or coffee at a different restaurant). The way this should work is that whomever asks the first time pays (Person A), then the second person (Person B) shows continued interest by asking the Person A on a second date, and so Person B should pay for that second date.
Whomever didn’t do the asking can always offer, and that offer can always be reciprocated. But if you asked, you’re responsible for the date, because presumably (ideally) you also picked the activity/restaurant. You can’t expect someone else to pay for something they didn’t pick.
Anonymous
I was big on paying for at least my half. Probably my issue, but I never wanted any guy thinking I “owed” him. Not that it would be right for him think that but it was just a lot of ugliness I wanted to avoid. I also learned that creeps who think like that very often get angry when you don’t let them pay. Because it was never about the money.
Anonymous
I recently thought badly of a guy for not picking up the tab and I feel like a bad feminist… maybe I should give him another chance. He asked me out to a bar but ordered coffee instead of a drink, so I did too. When the check came, he put down a $10 and I said thank you, because I assumed he was paying for both of us. He said oh no we can split it. I didn’t have cash so I put down my card… and they wouldn’t take it, apparently they have a $10 minimum on card purchases. The waitress directed me to an ATM 2 blocks away. So I went to the ATM and came back with a $20 so we had to make the waitress make change for both of us. I guess I should’ve had cash but honestly it didn’t occur to me that I would need it. Like really you wanted to end our date by making me take a trip to the ATM because you just couldn’t be out $2? I’ve suggested cash only places for dates and I just expect to pay.
Anonymous
No that’s more than a little weird. I can’t stand extreme precision in check splitting. What you described stems from cheapness; not a sense of fairness. I really find that attitude around money tone a turnoff.
OTOH, I’ve seen married couples split a check by who ordered the coke at a diner so I guess there’s someone out there for coffee date guy.
Anonymous
Ok to think badly. He should have kicked in the extra few dollars to cover you. Any friend would have.
Anonymous
I’m in a relationship now but last summer I went on over a hundred dates with people I met on Tinder, Bumble, and OK Cupid. I’m bi so some of the dates were with men and some were with women. I always offered to pay for the whole thing, and insisted when I knew I was in a much better financial situation than they were (grad students, service workers, etc.). I caved pretty quickly and let the other person pay when I knew they were in a much better financial situation than I was (successful business owners, tech bros), but if I was interested I made it clear that I’d plan to get it “next time.” I can’t remember splitting the bill except at coffee places where we could each just pay for our own drink at the counter. The older guys tended to be more insistent about paying for the date, younger guys less so, and women were usually gracious regardless of age. I did break it off with one person after a third date because I got the sense that she was taking advantage of my generosity (she suggested very expensive places for dates, never even made a move to pick up the bill or part of it, and joked about how she really wanted a “sugar mama”, etc.) but otherwise it wasn’t an issue. To me, the idea that men should always pay for a first date is offensively sexist (because it puts the man in the provider/pursuer role) and heteronormative (because it assumes there is a man on the date, and only one).
anon for lots of reasons
I have a two day interview coming up at a university in Chicago! Yikes. First, need interview clothes for two days, when everything I own is too big. Going shopping on Friday. And then yikes, what if I actually get the job. Could I move to Chicago after so many years in the south? If so, I’ll be relying on the Chicago ladies for help with even knowing where to begin on housing. Eeeeeeek! This job is a good fit for me. Right now, my job is pretty varied, with a mix of teaching and administrative responsibilities. I would have to give up teaching because this is a bigger version of a large piece of my current administrative responsibilities (although I think they would be okay with me keeping my hand in teaching). Deep breaths, right?
Anonymous
Woohoo! Is the job at the Hyde Park campus or in the loop? So exciting. Life long Chicagoan here and I just Loooooove it here.
Anon
Sounds like a great opportunity! Chicago would be a big adjustment culture and weather wise, so when you get the job and move, be kind to yourself with respect to getting adjusted. Winters are cold and harsh (lots of people get SAD during the winter, a SAD lamp will help). It might take time to find your tribe, but it might be easier for you in a university setting. One thing that always shocks me when I go to Chicago is how segregated the city is both economically and racially, it’s shocking as I haven’t seen another large city like that, but again, in a university setting I think it’s easier to settle in and meet people from all walks of life.
anon for lots of reasons
I have lived in Erie, PA, and Rochester, NY, but not in many years. It would definitely be an adjustment! I think, with the university setting and possibly finding a church where I could sing, I might be okay.
anon for lots of reasons
It’s Rogers Park-Lakeshore. I’ve been there, but have no idea what that means!
SH DC
I went there for undergrad!! Rogers Park is the northern-most neighborhood of Chicago without getting into the suburbs (i.e. Evanston, following Sheridan Rd. north). I really liked the neighborhood when I was there – lots of typical Chicago three-flats, larger-but-nice apartment blocks, etc. I was there before the neighborhood was gentrified, and still loved it.
anon for lots of reasons
Good to know! I’ve only been to Chicago once, but it was to visit this same school. The campus was beautiful. I just had no idea where people live in relation to the university. I guess that’s something to talk about at the interview.
nuqotw
Yahh! Good luck!
Rainbow Hair
Aaaaah fingers crossed for you! There’s a lot of gorgeous, affordable housing around there. Oh man there’s also so. much. good. food.
Anon for this
This weekend my parents took me and my fiance to a fancy restaurant to celebrate our recent engagement. It’s our favorite special occasion restaurant in DC, and it’s definitely fancy–expensive, michelin starred, etc. My fiance and I have been for dinner 4 times before to celebrate milestones and have sat at the bar a few times for drinks/dessert since it’s on our walk home. The restaurant didn’t recognize us, but they knew it was a special occasion. There was a card on the table and everyone said congratulations when we walked in.
I ordered wine and was asked to show ID, but I realized I didn’t have it. Totally my error–i had changed wallets/purses earlier in the day and forgot. The waitress said she couldn’t serve me. I was surprised–I’m late 20’s and haven’t been carded in a long while, but I understood the need to follow the rule. We then asked if I could show her a scanned picture of my drivers license, passport, or both, and she said none would work.
My parents and fiance split a bottle of wine, and somehow my fiance ended up with two wine glasses. The sommelier/manager poured wine into both. We assumed this was him working around the whole ID issue. I took a sip from the second glass, and then the waitress came over and corrected that both of the wine glasses were my fiance’s (he was finishing a glass of wine before they ordered the bottle) and she physically moved the one glass away from me and over to him.
My parents are disappointed because they wanted to do a champagne toast, and they thought the waitress was rude. My fiance is upset because they didn’t card him and he thinks the waitress was policing us all night. I’m upset, but I don’t know if it’s the waitress’s fault. I’m irritated because I’ve never been carded at this restaurant before, and I feel like this was arbitrary enforcement of a rule that kind of ruined a special occasion. But at the same time, I didn’t have my ID , though I do not look 21.
Thoughts?
Anonymous
I think you’re obsessing too much. It’s over and done with. The restaurant is doing their due diligence. It’s part of the waitress’ job and the restaurant can face major consequences if they’re serving underage drinkers. If you’re unhappy with the service you received, don’t go back.
Ellen
Yes, be glad you still look so young! Once you are out in the working world, and are MARRIED, do not be surprised if you stop looking so young. It happened to me virtueally overnight! I went from being carded and pinched at bars to being ignored by all but 50+ somethings who are bald with big beer guts. Not the kind of guys I look for, and unimagineable to think of them huffeing and puffieng on top of me after work every night! FOOEY on that!
So there will be plenty of time now for you to get some wine. Just don’t overdue it b/c you will then have a fat tuchus like me! TRIPEL FOOEY!
Pompom
Ask Tom Sietsema. He’s off this week and next, maybe, but might be worth an email for a gut check?
Anonymous
That is super crazy, I’m sorry. Maybe they’ve had violations in the past or something?
BabyAssociate
They asked you for ID and you didn’t have it, so they can’t legally serve you. Sure it’s annoying, but the waitress was just doing her job.
Anon
If I owned a restaurant, I wouldnt risk losing my liquor license for anyone, even if a special occasion.
Anonymous
I’d be more worried about losing my Michelin star for poor service, frankly.
Anonymous
I’ve eaten in a lot of Michelin starred restaurants and while they generally have exemplary service, they’re not above the law. I don’t think a restaurant should risk losing it’s liquor license just to please one difficult patron. Also, fwiw, the stars are based on food. They don’t really take into account service:
https://www.washingtonian.com/2016/10/14/service-play-role-michelins-stars/
Senior Attorney
Your Michelin star isn’t going to do you much good if you can’t serve liquor. Seriously the stakes are huge and at least in my state, the alcohol bureau sends people under cover to check for violations. They can’t take a chance.
I’m sorry it put a damper on your evening, OP. Shake it off and maybe have a do-over someplace else!
Anonymous
The waitress was ridiculous. I would complain now to the restaurant. At that price point, for an engagement, hey should have poured you wine. Especially since you had a scanned ID.
Anonymous
Sure, you can complain, but the waitress was enforcing the restaurant’s policy, so…I don’t know what response you would expect. There’s not a celebratory exception on their liquor license. What incentive does the restaurant have in bending the law for you?
Anonymous
At a Michelin starred restaurant there is an expectation of a certain level of service. They cannot make up for the rude waitress ruining the evening (or putting a serious damper on it) but they can comp a future meal for the OP. I used to work in fine dining and I assure you the GM would be horrified by this. They aren’t worried about their liquor license.
emeralds
Agreed.
Especially since from her post it sounds like they didn’t card the fiance, just the OP? If they’d carded both of them I would still be annoyed in her place, but would probably accept it in move on. It sounds like they only carded her, though, not any other members of her party. I would be furious and complaining (politely, of course) to the GM for sure. Their reputation is more valuable to them than this, and I’m equally sure that the GM would be horrified that one of their waitresses ruined a regular customer’s engagement. Please give them the opportunity to make this right!
Anonymous
How is trying to follow the law “rude service”? I honestly don’t think the waitress did anything wrong here. She was enforcing the restaurant’s policy/the law, neither of which are her choice. The restaurant might comp a meal because they’re trying to keep the customer happy, but I really think complaining to the restaurant to get a free meal is taking advantage. They and the waitress did nothing wrong. The OP forgot her ID! I’m 35 and I’m carded all the time. I would never expect to be allowed to drink if I didn’t have an ID with me.
Anon
No, the waitress following the law does not make her rude. She was doing her job.
Anon
To me, this is absurd. I’ve never been carded in a restaurant. I grew up in Toronto, and sometimes my parents would allow me to order a (single) beer at a restaurant if I was out with them. This was when I was 17/18 but not technically legal drinking age (19 here). No one ever questioned it. I guess they figured that if I was with my parents nothing terrible was going to happen, or assumed that I was 19. Not strictly right on their part, but whatever. I think it’s sort of a judge the situation thing. I think they judged your situation wrong.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you had a bad experience! It’s weird that they didn’t also card your fiance, and they definitely could have handled this better. However, I’ve been carded a ton in DC restaurants (and so has my 65-year-old dad). I think the alcohol authorities are extra vigilant in DC so restaurants are careful. It’s annoying, especially when you’re clearly over 21, but we’re just big rule followers here I guess.
Anonymous
That’s insane.
Cat
I think this is ridiculous but perhaps the waitress was recently disciplined for serving someone underage and is being extra cautious.
Practical question: If you pop in to this restaurant for dessert since it’s walking distance from your home, maybe you could have gone home to get the ID to try to salvage the evening? Still super annoying and disruptive but maybe you could have pushed the reservation back 1/2 an hour?
OP
We initially considered this and asked but were told it was a no-go since we were all seated.
Anonymous
If the champagne was that important to you, I’d just have run home to grab the ID without telling the waitress where I was going, and had the rest of the group order some appetizers to fill up the time. Why even ask the waitress if it’s okay to leave? People get up from the table at restaurants all the time and their parties don’t get thrown out.
Anonymous
Agreed. They’re not going to kick you out if you take too long at the table. OP should’ve just gone home to get her ID.
That said. The waitress shouldn’t have carded OP in the first place. All these people saying the waitress was just following the law/restaurant’s policies – no she wasn’t, she obviously isn’t required to card everyone because she only carded OP. There was no need for the waitress to interrupt the evening by making OP pull out her ID in the first place.
Anonymous
+1
Your DH can “step outside to take a call’ and you can then ‘find your ID in your purse after all’
Anon
Then I would complain – that’s just terrible service.
Torin
If it’s on your walk home, wouldn’t it have been a really quick trip to just run home and go get your ID? Presumably you were there for a few hours and a 20 minute break at the beginning to go get it wouldn’t have been a big deal.
I don’t think you have a right to be annoyed about this. She was just doing her job. Frankly I would be annoyed with you if I were her because she specifically told you they couldn’t serve you and you tried to drink anyway.
Anonymous
The restaurant is trying not to get charged with a legal violation. I don’t think the waitress did anything wrong and I think you were hugely out of line to drink when they had declined to serve you alcohol. Honestly, you’re lucky you weren’t asked to leave the premises.
Anonymous
I’m on this page — it looks like the ID issue was easy to fix. Rather than fix it, you tried to get your way. It’s not like you are 65 and the restaurant was being clearly in the wrong here.
OP
I felt this way originally and was not planning on drinking at all until the sommelier/manager poured a fourth glass. When he placed it down it was technically on the wrong side of my plate, but it was definitely closer to me than my fiance. We all interpreted this as a kind workaround. This is when I took the one sip, and then the waitress came over to clarify and move the glass back to my fiance.
Anon
The waitress was doing her job. Seriously, you need to move on.
Anonymous
More likely, the sommelier didn’t know that you were unable to produce an ID and was relying on the waitress to know who at the table could drink.
Anon
Michelin restaurants don’t put the glass on the wrong side of your plate. I think you need to let this go. The waitress was doing her job. Full stop. You can be upset you didn’t get to drink, but it’s not anyone else’s fault.
Anonymous
+2 Former server here, the waitress could have lost her job by serving you without an ID. I doubt she is serving just for fun and needs her job, so I don’t fault her at all for following the rules. You learned your lesson to check your wallet next time. You could easily have had a toast without champagne – the toast itself is what makes it special, not the alcohol. People who don’t drink alcohol have toasts too and the lack of alcohol makes them no less special. You all are making way too big a deal out of this and letting it ruin a perfectly fine evening.
Anonymous
Nope this was nuts. The waitress did her job by not serving you. That was all she was obligated to do. The hovering and extra effort to ensure you didn’t have a sip of anyone else’s wine is really ridiculous.
Anon
Is DC one of the place where you can drink under 21 at a restaurant with your parents present? If so, she was completely out of line because if a 16 yr old can have a glass of wine with parents present, she definitely could have and should have served you. I would have made a stink about it and showed her the law on my phone and complained to the manager.
If its not an area you can drink under 21 with parents, then she was just doing her job, however annoyingly.
Anonymous
Is there anywhere besides Wisconsin where you can do that?
I would HIGHLY doubt DC has that caveat.
anon
This is a thing in Texas.
BabyAssociate
Pretty sure that’s not a thing in DC.
Anonymous
It was a thing when I was growing up in MA.
Anon
Like… a legal thing? Fifth (at least) generation Mass here and I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Anonymous
I can’t believe this is an official thing in Mass. We’re so puritanical about alcohol. You can’t even have happy hour here!
Anon
It was a thing when I was growing up in Ontario, Canada (whether officially, or not). See my comment above.
OP
Checked the law since it’s a thing in Texas, my home state. It’s not a thing in DC. Though there is ambiguity in whether the law would’ve allowed the scanned copies of my ID to qualify. There is no requirement anywhere in the regulations or enforcement guides that the proof of identification has to be physical or hard copy, just valid.
AnonfromtheBronx
Is that a thing anywhere in the U.S.?
anon
Yes but it is usually *in a private home*. some states may be broader. They also have to be with their parent or legal guardian.
Pen and Pencil
Not a thing in DC. This was my first thought as it is legal to drink with parents in Texas as well.
Anonymous
I’d be frustrated, and I probably would have left. No lie. I so rarely get carded I would have preferred to find another place.
In fact, I’m 34 and was carded last week while at a family birthday celebration. There were 9 of us, 7 adults, 2 kids. I was the youngest of the adults and the only one carded. It was bizarre to me. I haven’t been carded in years, either at a restaurant or a liquor store.
Anonymous
Why didn’t you toast with a mocktail or sparkling cider? I get wanting to toast a special occasion, but I don’t know why it HAS to be alcohol in the glasses.
Anonymous
Fwiw, I’m 35, don’t think I’ve aged especially well (I have fine lines and have never had Botox) and I get carded every single time I order alcohol in a restaurant. I don’t think it’s out of line to card a 20-something. I think my state has a policy that you’re supposed to get carded if you look under 60.
OP
OMG which state is this?! That is completely bananas. We need to loosen the grip on our pearls.
Other OP
Different OP :)
SM
I am 39 and have still been refused a drink when I forgot my wallet. I get carded pretty often and it’s not because I look young, it’s just a thing.
Anon
As a DC resident, I can think of a few of the restaurants you would have been at, and yeah, this is ridiculous. Especially that you offered to go get your ID. Restaurants can be charged for serving under 21 patrons, not for not checking ID – meaning, if they have a good sense you’re over 21 (whether because they saw a scanned copy of your license, you offered to get it, you obviously look over 21, etc) they can serve you.
Especially at a nice restaurant, they’re NOT worried about their liquor license – she was being rude. I would call and complain, or email – especially if you’re regulars, I suspect the GM will be very annoyed at the waitress. It wasn’t appropriate.
Now, if you were at a neighborhood restaurant, or somewhere more casual where young people regularly go, can totally see this being a different story, but you were at a Michelin starred restaurant.
Anon
It’s on you, the restaurant and waitress were following the law, and you need to build a bridge and get over it.
Anonymous
If you don’t like it, work to change the law.
MNF
Surprised no one is bringing up the sexism of only carding the woman. I’m assuming your fiance is a similar age. This happens to me all the time, I get carded all the time and my husband doesn’t. And we’re both wearing wedding rings (+ engagement in my case). Like, yeah she’s following the law, but there’s also a problem with selective enforcement of laws.
Anon
Or maybe she looks younger? Happens to me and my partner a lot, but I definitely look younger. It’s not sexist.
Anon
She might look a few years younger, but not so much that it was worth it to card her and not him.
It’s hard to say that this is about enforcing restaurant policy when it probably is not being applied equally.
Blah blah blah
Petty and childish rant that I need off my chest- my mother seems to be hyper-concerned about getting my fiance a birthday present (calling multiple times asking what he needs or wants and asking the exact day so they don’t forget several times). Oddly, no one (not even fiance..) got me a present for my birthday earlier this year. It just stings a bit to have them seemingly bend over backwards for your partner in a way they didn’t even contemplate for me. And it’s not like his parents would or have ever given me a gift (I’m not their most favourite person in the world). After being asked these questions for the third time after avoiding by saying “oh you don’t have to do anything it’s not a big deal…” I finally said ‘it’s not like you, or anyone else for that matter, got me anything, so why are you so concerned about him”? (blunt, but true? the whole thing is so weird to me). Their rationale was “oh well you were away on your birthday (on a trip for a week) and they had stuff going on at the time.”
These things make me feel like a child. This is why I prefer no gifts at all.
Anon
You’re right it IS super childish but I would obsess about it too.
My in-laws say their love language is gifts, but apparently only for everyone except me. They can buy extravagant gifts for all kids, their spouses, grandkids, friends, etc, but I will always end up with a $5 piece of trash from Target. No lie – one year at Christmas everyone opened things like new golf clubs and new wardrobes. I got a three pack of baby bibs (I was pregnant at the time). That’s it. My DH actually searched the gift bag for a gift card or something, thinking there had to be more. I obsessed for years about this and similar incidents, and then finally decided that we would limit time with them to minimize the hurt. We show up for exactly one hour on Christmas Eve, we decline birthday dinners, etc. DH goes over on his own, but even that’s becoming less as we’ve noticed a similar pattern with one of our kids getting a wildly out of sync present with the rest of his siblings/ cousins.
I don’t get it, but I can’t control them. It’s such a petty thing, but being treated unequally can really sting no matter how #firstworldproblem it is. Just chalk it up to a funny story you can tell your friends over drinks, and find ways to take care of yourself.
anon
this is not petty. i think that’s absurd that they give one of your kids less nice gifts than the other grandkids. i guess i feel very lucky that my parents would never imagine doing anything like that.
Blah blah blah
I agree that seems pretty awful of them!
Anon
Ha. He’s young enough that he doesn’t notice it yet, but we’re keeping a close eye and will shut it all off if it continues.
This will out me to any friends, but last Christmas he got two matchbox cars – the ones in the dollar bin at the grocery store. All the rest of the cousins, including two younger siblings, got matching Pottery Barn chairs. He was thrilled with his new cars, but the disparity was pretty apalling to DH and me. We literally dropped the chairs at a Goodwill on the way home so they didn’t come in our house. DH had a long talk with them after a few months’ cooling off period, and they swear they were just trying to get all the grandkids things they would like. We’re trying to decide what to do for Christmas this year, but I’m lobbying pretty hard for not going at all. Glad to randomly hear I’m not way off base here!
Take the Long View
This isn’t supposed to be harsh, but I’m six years ahead of you and this is fantastic. The relationship your parents and fiance have is important and it shows they care! And he’s a new member of the family so sorry, mine were like that too! Trying to impress him and make him feel welcome. This sounds exactly like something my mom would do and now I’m just grateful about how much they like my husband. Especially with kids in the picture, it makes life so much easier.
It’s a running joke that he’s their favorite child – but I’m the one who wins in that scenario!
Anonymous
+1 seems like she wants to establish/demonstrate closeness with him.
Veronica Mars
This is weirdly reading into something. I don’t think is a dominance thing. Is the mother a silverback gorilla? Can’t it just be a nice gesture?
OP– Your parents are on their best behavior because they want to like this guy and welcome him into the family. They’re not on their best behavior with you because they raised you and figure they have more slack. If you don’t like that, tell them that it bothers you and lay out clear consequences from their actions. My parents did the same thing with my fiancé. If he were available for dinner, it would be, let’s go to the steakhouse. If it was just me, and they knew he wasn’t coming, they’d be like, it’s grilled cheese night! I called them out on it and they got better. They just want to treat him like he’s special and new.
Anon
It doesn’t really sound to me like they care that much? It sounds like they’re dumping a ton of emotional labor on OP. If they really cared about the actual gift giving and not just the performative aspect of it, they’d do their own work.
Anonymous
I’d be annoyed too. Maybe your parents are trying to overcompensate for the fact that his parents aren’t nice to you?
And also – I totally think you should tell fiance that he needs to celebrate or at least acknowledge your bday in some way.
Brooklyn!
My SO and I are spending a long weekend in Brooklyn this weekend. Asked for recs once before and got some great ones, but I’m so excited that I’m asking again. We are off-the-beaten-path-weirdo travelers. Much prefer quirk to $. Thanks to your recs, we are planning to do the Frick and MoMA in the same day, and visit Brooklyn Bridge park.
Someone told me about Brooklyn Owl, a store that sells only unicorn-related items. Any other similar oddball recs? We are staying at the Best Western in Prospect Park (also thanks to your genius last minute travel help).
Anonymous
https://www.superherosupplies.com/
Anonymous
Green-Wood Cemetery is gorgeous, historic, and the highest point in Brooklyn so it has a beautiful view. There are parrots nestled in the stonework, a truly bizarre and controversial statue (it’s called Civic Virtue – the history is worth a read), and another statue of Minerva raising a hand in greeting to the Statue of Liberty, which sits across the water.
Industry City is nearby as well, and super cool. Try to get there during the daytime when more shops are open. Highly recommend Ends Meat for sandwiches and The Helm Bar for literally everything.
anon a mouse
The Transit Museum is a little gem.
Anonymous
You could also look into the Coney Island Museum and City Reliquary. Not sure how regular either of their hours are, and they are at opposite ends of Brooklyn, but quirk they can provide.
Anonymous
Omg yes to Coney Island! The Cyclone is worth the cost (and trip)!
Brooklyn
+1 to Coney Island / riding the cyclone
Check out Sunset Park for authentic Chinese food
Emily Pizza for pizza and burger
Jo March
Any suggestions for new teas to try? I’m tiring of my normal English Breakfast routine and do not like coffee or mint teas. Open to a sampler of different flavors too… just got overwhelmed with the options when I did a quick Amazon search this morning and thought I would crowdsource some suggestions.
Frozen Peach
Ooh! Love Bigelow teas generally, especially their fruity ones. Perfect Peach, Red Raspberry, Lemon Lift.
Also, for black teas, try Lady Grey.
Anonymous
I love the chocolate tea from Harney & Sons at Target. Also got some vanilla from Mighty Teas that I liked a lot.
+1
Bigelow “Constant Comment” is my favorite (subtle orange spice), and I agree that the Bigelow fruited flavors are just right, not too fruity.
Frozen Peach
How could I forget?! I live on Constant Comment in the winter.
Gail the Goldfish
I also love Constant Comment.
Parfait
I’m always surprised when people like it. I call it “Constant Torment.” But it’s a classic for a reason!
Anonymous
I drink Earl Grey every morning and I prefer loose leaf. Last year someone gifted me Shades of Earl Grey from the brand For Tea’s Sake and it’s become my staple. I like it because it’s not bitter.
I also love Lady Grey and Earl Grey with lavender.
AIMS
Seconding the earl grey. If you’re not a loose tea drinker, Stash has a Super Earl Grey (Double EG?) that’s really good.
For loose “fancy” tea, I really like the Anastasia tea from Kusmi. For a morning tea similar to EB, I like Irish Breakfast. I’m also a a big fan of Palais Des Thes teas generally; they usually have great samplers.
Cb
I like a blue earl grey. I’m not a huge fan of fruity black teas but like lychee. Mariage Freres, Kushmi, and Palais de Thes are wonderful if you feel like a splurge.
Also, if you’re a serious tea drinker, the Sage teamaker is absolutely worth the investment.
Anonymous
What is a blue earl grey?
Anonymous
My favorites are anything mint, or the Good Earth Sweet and Spicy (available in herbal or black tea base).
Both have to steep a bit longer to get the flavor, but I’m a heathen who just leaves the tea bag in my cup, so it works for me.
Anonymous
hate the name but Man Cave tea from Adagio Teas
Candidate
Get a sampler from Upton Tea Imports! They do phenomenal small sampler sets and have an extensive catalog.
Anon
Simpson & Vail has an amazing variety of teas. My favorites are the nontraditional black and oolong flavored teas. If you want something more natural (the flavored teas contain flavoring), the aromatic white teas are wonderful with lots of different types of fruit flavors and notes. Their holiday tea line is also great.
Jo March
Thank you all! Excited to try some new teas this week.
Anon
Upton Tea is where I order all my tea from.
CPA Lady
I love dragon pearl jasmine tea from Harney & Sons. It’s white tea with jasmine flowers. I don’t add anything to it.
trefoil
Twinings Orangerie of Lady Grey is my favourite.
BigLaw Sr Assoc
I order almost all my tea from Lupicia. Amazing variety and quality.
Anonymous
Help – I have terrible hangnails. I moisturize, drink water, and apply Sally Hansen Vitamin E oil (almost) every night. Anything else I can do?
Anonymous
Try some of those overnight moisturizing gloves? I always liked the Burt’s Bees stuff (lemon butter)?
Betsy
Do you take a multivitamin? I was having a lot of hang nail issues over the summer and they cleared up pretty quickly once I started taking a multivitamin again!
Torin
I find beeswax lotion more effective for this than regular lotion. Burt’s Bee’s has a beeswax hand salve that comes in a tin that works great for me.
Anonymous
High quality (food grade) coconut oil at night instead of the Sally Hansen stuff; keep your hands out of water as much as possible and consider changing your soaps/handsoap/dish soap to something less harsh (such as Method soaps) + skip hand sanitizer til you heal.
Anonymous
Regular professional manicures are the only thing I’ve found to work.
embees
Hangnails can also be an indicator that you need more protein, in addition to various other nutrients that a multivitamin (as recommended above) would cover.
Anonymous
Burt’s Bees lemon beeswax cuticle cream actually worked for me.
Anonymous
I’ve had great luck with the Neutrogena hand cream (I think it’s called the “Swedish” cream or something like that). If I consistently apply it before I go to bed, zero hangnails.
anon
sounds crazy, but I keep Lansinoh ni**le cream in a drawer at my desk at work and apply 2x/day. It is somewhat thick and greasy, so if you don’t like the feeling, try putting it on at night instead.
Anonymous
I actually take a fingernail clipper and cut hangnails off. I’ve tried cuticle clippers, but those are more difficult to use. Or, put a dab of liquid bandage on top. Liquid bandage is seriously a miracle worker on any minor cut!
Anonymous
File your nails regularly with a crystal nail file
eertmeert
This, too, at least for the ones that originate from the sides of the nail. A few years ago I got real about filing down the sides of my nails where they grow sideways, and it’s helped. It won’t help with the ones that trail from the bottom of the nail/top of fingers, of course, but the options above will help with that.
Anon
I need a commuting bag for bulky things. I metro to work, and bring bulky things with me (lunch for the week, shoes, etc) 2-3 days a week. I’ve been using reusable grocery bags (I know), but I’d like to step it up. I was thinking something with the functionality of a (Amazon knockoff) Longchamp – folds up small, is lightweight, can be washed easily in case of spills – but not that exact look, because it’s a bit too branded a LOOK for me. I still plan to carry my regular purse daily, and have a small computer case when I need to bring that home (which is rarely). Any recommendations under $35?
Anonymous
Baggu nylon totes
Anonymous
+1 And if the sling hobos are too casual, they have some nylon backpacks and classic style totes that I think look great and very unbranded.
JS
If you catch the Patagonia Black Hole Tote on sale it’s about 35
Kk
I dont understand why the branded longchamp is A LOOK but a knockoff one isnt- the point of the knockoff is that it’s the same look, at a cheaper price. Personally, I dont believe in supporting knockoffs- I think its unethical. Either buy the real thing, or buy something different within your price range.
Check out the Acute 23L tote from Lululemon! You might also try Kipling, Lipault, Brics, or Le Sportsac.
OP
Oh, they’re the same amount of LOOK, it’s just a look that I don’t like (but the general functionality I do)
Anon
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reusable grocery bags! Presumably the rest of your ensemble shows that you are a professional adult.
Ambitious one in relationship
I’ve been dating my SO for about a year and a half and I love him to pieces. We have similar values, morals, etc. but the only huge difference is that I’m Type A and very career focused and although he’s hardworking he is not super career focused (we’re in our mid-late 20s). My friend circle is made up of mostly Type As who have multiple degrees and are trying to climb the ladder at work and are dating guys like themselves. So, meeting him was refreshing but also very different than what I’m used to.
I typically find that super ambitious women are with other super ambitious men (or other women). So, I’d love to hear about experiences from some of you have a relationship where youre the more career-focused one.
BabyAssociate
Is he ambitious in other non-career ways? I’m more like you, as is my friend circle, and while I find the total lack of ambition to be very unattractive, I do think ambition can take many forms. For example, maybe he isn’t all that ambitious in his work, but is passionate about mastering a new language, or becoming a marathon runner.
OP
Well, he is really passionate about the work he does (engineering) and he does have a lot of hobbies he loves (mostly winter sports and hiking).
Anonymous
If an engineer isn’t “career focused” enough for you and your Type A crowd, I think you could do with expanding your world view. He sounds great!
OP
He IS great! I’m not complaining at all, and honestly meeting him did make me realize I needed to expand my worldview…
Anonymous
I’m having a hard time reconciling “really passionate about the work he does” and “not career focused.” If you mean that he does’t want to climb the ladder and become a manager and make more money, then I think you need to adjust your expectations. Not everyone is motivated by money and it sounds like he’s doing really well in his job (and as an engineer, I totally get not wanting to go into management – it’s a totally different job and not one that many of us have any interest in!)
K
+1 I’m an engineer, I have zero interest in being a manager. I might try later on to be a subject matter expert, or just be a senior engineer. Lots of engineers never want to move into management, and that’s totally fine. Like anon said above, its a very different job.
anon
+1 – my SO isn’t “career focused” per se, but he has tons of dedication and motivation to do things that improve his life in a way that I would never have the energy to (he’s the one marathon training in the rain or taking classes on the side that will empower him in the future). He also manages all our investments outside work and is passionate about making the most of what we have. So in a lot of ways I feel like the less motivated/ambitious one – all I do is sit at a desk all day and I’m too fried to do anything when I get home (whereas he’s got dinner on the table and is halfway through the laundry. . . ), even though I am technically ‘climbing the ladder’ and making more.
Anon
I ended up marrying this guy, and it has been the best decision. Honestly as a Type A person, it’s great to have someone at home remind me that life is more, way more, than achieving X level in a career path, or making Y amount of money. He’s dedicated to enjoying life, supporting his friends and family, and pursuing his hobbies. It is far more difficult to find someone that shares your morals, values, makes you laugh, and supports you in your pursuits than it is to find a standard high achieving guy.
I think its important, too, to differentiate between a slacker and a person that isn’t highly ambitious career-wise. My hubs has a great job and makes good money, but is comfortable where he is – he’d be fine being promoted, but is not shooting for the starts. He went to school to be in a field with stable jobs, decent money, and good hours, and that’s exactly what he got.
busybee
I agree completely with Anon at 10:37. I’m a lawyer and my fiance is a police officer. He works more than I do and makes substantially more money than I do because he works a ton of overtime. He works a lot, and cares about doing a good job, but he doesn’t care much about moving up the police ladder. He’s not interested in becoming a sergeant or part of the brass–he’s happy where he is and has no desire to continually climb.
Frankly, that attitude is refreshing. It’s kind of nice to be happy and content where you are without the constant drive for more and and more. It’s a good balance to my type-A personality.
When he’s home, he does a lot of home improvement projects and cooks quite a bit. I couldn’t ever be with someone lazy, but I’m very happy being with someone who’s not career-ambitious.
Cb
Yep, my husband works in IT and could probably make more in the private sector but he started out in a university setting and now works in the civil service. He works hard but likes his work-life balance (lots of holiday, comp time, very rare late evenings).
BeenThatGuy
+1 to everything in this response. I’m Type A and my SO is Type B. He brings much needed balance into my life that I have been missing. As a 42 year old woman that was always dating/married to another Type A, being with someone of the opposite personality has been life-changing in the best ways.
Anonymous
Yes! My SO is a bike mechanic and dropped out of college with one semester left to pursue work he really wanted to do. He was an owner in a c a n n a b i s farm and when he was bought out by the other partners, he decided to do something that he loves. He is always being offered jobs by people both in his prior industry and in various other pursuits as he has incredibly diversified interests, is smart, and has a great business mind. He was the largest benefactor of the non-profit where he works now for many years. It serves the community in a meaningful way and he is really good at what he does.
He will never ever will work in an office, but he and I share the same values, he is a feminist, he works d a m n hard, fights for causes he believes in and is FAR from lazy. He is more active outside of work than I am! He has no debt, is financially stable, provides for himself just fine, and is an all around great dude. He is not even remotely slacker, he is just not a corporate guy and I am 100% on board with that.
Sarabeth
OMG, this is the best thing you can hope for. Seriously. My husband is like this, super smart, but not career-driven. As a result, he’s been willing to move across the country so I can take a job; hold down the home fort (with two kids!) while I travel for work; take his full allotment of FLMA time for each kid, even though it probably isn’t the greatest career choice; and generally make it possible for me to prioritize my career. The result? I have an amazing, but demanding job, which I almost certainly couldn’t have gotten or kept if my partner hadn’t been able to prioritize my career at several key moments. I also have a husband who is a great partner and a wonderful father.
My husband isn’t lazy, he just wants to prioritize his personal life over his career. He works very very hard at being a good father, and he also wants to have time for his woodworking and rock-climbing. I am so, so lucky to have ended up with him.
+1
Marry him! My husband is the greatest. He is hard working, but the opposite of my partner-track personality. He has moved up and down and sideways for me and could probably drive a U-Haul in his sleep. He keeps me calm and he is my biggest cheerleader. He is an incredible partner and having someone who is entirely unlike me keeps me grounded and rounds me out.
Anon
I’m the breadwinner in my family. My husband has a graduate degree and a professional job but is absolutely uninterested in grinding his way to the top, or to be honest even working more than 8-5 type hours.
This has been mostly great for our family. He was laid off when our two kids were toddler/babies so he took 3 years off until the youngest started preschool. He makes an equal number of dentist/pediatrician/school appointments emotional labor wise, though he has less flexibility in his schedule so I tend to actually attend more of them. I don’t have to worry about my own travel or working late because I know his hours are predictable.
On the other hand, being the breadwinner is stressful! I earn 75-80% of the household income and have literally zero choice about leaning out or being a SAHM or whatever (not that I want to be a SAHM but on those really bad days it would be nice to fantasize about.) I have to keep up the grind. There are times when I’m exhausted from the grind and feel a little resentful, but for the most part we’ve been able to work out the differences and I remind myself that, like a successful man, I wouldn’t be able to do what I do without a suportive spouse.
Anon
+1 to the first paragraph. My husband quit his job to stay home with our kids (I was fully prepared to send them daycare and we could afford either approach). Having a stay at home spouse if you have kids is pretty integral to my career which has long and unpredictable hours that would require 2 nannies (or daycare and a nanny) to really make work. I don’t think he would have made that choice (or been happy with it), had he been more ambitious. For my Type-A personality, it is a breath of fresh air to have someone who counts it as a successful day if no-one died and nothing irreplaceable got destroyed – most days are awesome with that standard.
This dress is gorgeous
I can forgive it the exposed zipper and pleating (which I usually loathe).
And it has pockets? Swoon!
Anyone have any experience with The Fold in real life? Even though I am wearing sneakers and mom jeans today (but we did just have the remnants of Flo blow down some trees and lose power), this is what makes my heart flutter (this and heels I have no business inflicting on my poor tired feet).
Legally Brunette
I have been stalking this brand for a while now but have never bought anything because of the high shipping (and return) costs. If I ever get to London, I’ll be sure to visit the store. The clothes are so beautiful.
pugsnbourbon
Right? They pop up all the time on my Instagram even though they are wildly out of my budget. A girl can dream.
anne-on
I’ve been stalking it to, and just saw that they are now doing free shipping (though not free returns) to the US and am VERY tempted to try it. This is what I wish MM LaFleur looked like!
I assume as a British Brand the fit is similar to Reiss? IE – size up by 1-2 sizes? Any firsthand knowledge would be appreciated!
Legally Brunette
Free shipping? This is dangerous information. :)
FormerlyPhilly
I bought from Fold last month when they had a sale (purchased a long-sleeved dress for a wedding I’m attending in early October). It’s gorgeous. The quality is superb – better than MM La Fleur IMHO. The fit guide was accurate as my measurements matched. Use the fit guide and measure your body.
USA shoppers be prepared for a $25 shipping fee, but the item arrived in 3 business days via DHL.
Highly recommend. I have my eye on a blazer/jacket, and I’ll likely buy it now that there’s free shipping.
Anonymous
Protip: When you are the only associate in your niche group and you know you have trial on Monday, don’t refuse to come in on Sunday night or early Monday morning. Thus forcing some other lucky associate – who isn’t in your group and had zero notice about the trial – to cancel their Sunday night plans with their own family (the only night the family can be together) and their Monday morning workout class (which charges you anyway if you cancel within 24 hours) to cover for you at the last minute. And then tell the associate the reason you “can’t” come in is because you were out all night partying with friends on Saturday and got home too late/early in the morning for it to make sense to go to bed so you just stayed up and now you can’t possibly work Sunday night. Or come in early Monday morning. Because you’re too tired from having so much fun to do the work you knew you’d have to do 2 years ago when trial was scheduled.
Anonymous
Why on earth would you pick up this slack?
Anonymous
Not the OP but this is the reality of law firms. She did because she has to or else she’s as bad as hungover associate.
Anonymous
Disagree. If you work in a place where a hangover is a remotely acceptable excuse then it’ll be ok to drop this ball. Let the partner handle it. Hire a per diem to ask for an adjournment. Let the hungover associate write the papers to vacate the default. I started saying no to this stuff a few years ago and I swear people respect you mor for it.
Anonymous
Same reason a good sports team member dives for a ball you weren’t supposed to catch / return / hit / catch. Some people have a work ethic and loathe dropping the ball (even if not their ball). When I wind up at the ER, if you were a doctor, I’d want you on call, not your fellow associate.
anne-on
Dear god, this person admitted that was the reason they couldn’t come in? Any way you can discretely pass that up the food chain. I would be PISSED if I were that person’s supervisor. Nobody loves weekend work but this doesn’t seem sprung on them at the last minute.
Anonymous
I would sing like a canary about this a$$h0l3.
Anonymous
“I’m unclear on why X was not available. I cancelled family plans and a pre-paid class to make it work as I realize that TRIAL is a priority for the firm.”
Aggie
Trials are so rare in my area of the law that they are easily poached. If an associate were to dump this in another’s lap, they lose the opportunity to sit second chair. It might be two more years before another opportunity! I cannot even fathom this behavior…
Horse Crazy
What do you say in an interview when they ask why you’re leaving your current job, but you don’t want to trash your current employer? Context: the real reason is that you make basically no money, you have mostly awful coworkers who are creating a toxic, nightmare-ish work environment, and you just generally hate the job with the fire of a thousand suns.
Anonymous
Ready for new challenges or something vague that you can base on what is appealing about the new job
Anonymous
Yes. More opportunities, more challenges, more leadership, more chances to learn.
Anonymous
Make yourself look like a catch:
I have learned a lot at Dunder-Mifflin, but I think that the greatest opportunities to put what I’ve learned to use lie elsewhere for me right now.
Jo March
A+ reference
Ella
It’s been great to do [x part of current job] but you’re looking for an opportunity to [x, y, z part of job you’re applying to].
interviews
I am having to answer this question now a lot. For background, I am trying to get out of biglaw and into a small firm. I say things that are true – I want more responsibility/more time in court, to have more impact on the business as a whole, be part of business development efforts, etc. This way I don’t need to say I am treated like a child in my current job, and have such rage I have almost walked out – but I am pretty sure my interviews totally get it.
Anon
Does anyone have one of the convertible shoulder bags/backpacks from Lole (with an umlaut over the e)? I saw some pictures on Instagram and they look perfect for what I need, but would like a review first!
Anon
My sister and my BFF each have one and both love them. They are both big travelers and chronic over-packers, so their bags get hardcore workouts.
Aanon
I’m very late to this party but I have this bag (after trying similar convertible totes from two other brands) and this is my unicorn bag. Big enough to hold breakfast, lunch and my laptop; the backpack is actually comfortable; the drop on the shoulder straps are long enough to go over my muscly shoulders with a sweater and winter coat, and my clutch wallet fits in the front pocket. It’s full of clever details. I’m considering buying a second to have when this one gives up but the fabric feels pretty solid so it may be a long time before that’s the case. Heartily recommend.
Stepping Up
Ladies – I just accepted a new position as a General Counsel of a growing company and could use any tips you might have. Apart from stepping up my wardrobe (more suits + blazers), what are some tips you have about joining an all-male senior management team, managing a team of legal professionals and otherwise exuding the gravitas befitting the role? I look significantly younger than I am, which also doesn’t help. TIA!
Anon
I am not general counsel but I am a senior exec and manage a team that includes attorneys.
1) don’t let the men talk over you in meetings. Finish your sentences. If you think they didn’t hear because the bro was talking, repeat your sentences
2) remove the word “sorry” from your vocabulary
3) attend industry conferences and look for opportunities to speak as an industry leader/subject matter expert
4) be a mentor, either formally or informally
5) be in your office after the last member of your staff leaves for the day if at all possible
6) be prepared but not over-prepared for meetings with your peers. Do not take more than the occasional note. Do not come across as a student, but an equal
7) do not turn down opportunities to socialize after work with your peer group
8) don’t always be the person to accommodate your peers’ schedules when meetings are hard to schedule. Stick to your guns
I’m sure I’m forgetting some things, but these are the main things off the top of my head
In House in Houston
This is all very good advice!!
office air purifier recs?
Help me please! I think I’ve developed an allergy to my office. It’s been cleaned and vacuumed but I cannot stop sneezing in here. The wirecutter recommendations seem to be for larger spaces – any small space hopefully not super expensive recs? Thanks!
Anon
Levoit LV-H132 – great brand, sized for small spaces like bedrooms and offices. Also, bring your own duster and dust and wipe down your surfaces regularly.
Black Tie
I am attending a black tie optional wedding on the east coast. Would this dress with lots of dressy accessories work? FWIW, every black tie wedding in my area is c8cktail dresses, not floor length gowns on anyone outside the bridal party and/or under 60 or over 18. The slit, fwiw, isn’t quite as high or as visible on me as on the model.
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2591464/nanette-lepore-vixen-velvet-dress?color=SCARLET
Anonymous
Yeah I think so!
Fishie
Unless we’re talking about a posh crowd where many men own a tux, I would bet that the “option” to not wear black tie will be exercised more often than not and that most women will be in cocktail attire. Black tie optional is very different from black tie IMO.
emeralds
Someone talk me out of buying myself that dress for a wedding in November…
I have a perfectly serviceable LBD I can wear. I am saving for a wedding. I am treating myself to a girls’ trip in October. If I’m spending money on clothes, it should be for something I actually need, like a new pair of flats for the fall.
Black Tie
The only thing I can do is tell you it runs large. I went down a size for mine. :-)
Not that Anne, the other Anne
I have to share, because I know you ladies will appreciate this: I paid off my student loans this weekend. I’m freeeeeee.
dogs
great job! wooo!
Gail the Goldfish
Woohoo! Congrats!
Congratulations
Hooray! I am so happy for you.
Cookbooks
That’s awesome! Congrats!
Baconpancakes
YAY! Girl throw yourself a party!
Anonymous
Congrats!! I think we should celebrate this the way we do weddings and babies. It’s such a HUGE accomplishment!
tz
+1
Jo March
Congratulations!!!
Senior Attorney
Hooray!! Congratulations!
dogs
I’m doing some research re: ADD (I’m diagnosed/medicated for over 10 years) and how to better manage some of my less appealing qualities (follow-through, working memory, impulsivity).
One thing that has consistently come up is exercise, sleep, and nutrition. I’ve kind of stubbornly written these off, but have always been decent but not great about exercise, and nutrition. I’ve decided to experiment and take these items seriously for a few weeks (wish me luck!)
One consistent finding is about Omega-3/fatty acids. Apparently there’s lots of literature about fish oil having significant benefits. I’ve been reading this for years, but really HATE fish. Any recommendations on a fish oil that isn’t terrible tasting (esp the fish burps- i can’t). Anyone had success with flax seed oil?
Em
Just freeze the fish oil pills and take them at night. No taste and no fish oil burps.
Anonymous
I’ve got high triglycerides as well as dry eyes and I’ve found TheraTears Omega 3 supplements non-fishy tasting. I freeze them, swallow them at night, and have had no issues with burps, etc. However, I’m using them mostly to treat dry eye, my doctor did not suggest using them from my triglycerides. Instead I try to get most of my Omega 3 from fish and flax seeds (a tbs thrown in a salad, oatmeal, etc.) The benefits of supplements versus Omega 3 from food are far from proven. See this recap: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/fish-oil-friend-or-foe-201307126467
Anonymous
Nordic Naturals has a lemon flavor vitamin pill that is high quality and not fishy tasting.
Anonymous
Flax seed pills have lower concentrations, so you’d have to read the dosages in the fine print and maybe take more pills for the same effect.
Also, there are highly refined fish-oil type products available by prescription- Lovaza is the one my diabetic coworker talks about. He says it’s basically flavorless. But that 2nd-hand info is all I know about it.
Duffel Bag?
I am looking for a duffel bag or something similar that is at least moderately professional looking for travel. I fly pretty frequently for work and sometimes my overnight bag ends up in the client’s office during a meeting. I have a great, anonymous black roller suitcase that is fine in the situation, but now I’m looking for a small soft-sided bag as well. I only need to pack one night worth of clothing, but it must fit under an airline seat. I am now routinely flying on small regional jets that don’t have full size overhead bin space and I am trying to avoid gate-check hassles.
kk
I have a tumi voyageur rollaboard that’s great for this- it’s nylon and softsided so it fits on regional jets, no problem. Mine is the international leger model. I have a longchamp expandable duffel in black, that’s been perfectly adeuqate for trips like this- but I hate putting it down on the floor in airport bathrooms. If I were you, I’d pick a softsided underseat rolling suitcase!
Anon
Not related to the bag but for most of those flights on regional jets, you don’t have to check your carry on sized roller. You roll it onto the tarmac when you are boarding, you put it on a luggage cart, they throw it in the trunk for the flight (literally) and when you disembak at your destination, it’s there on a luggage cart waiting for you on the tarmac.
I would not formally check my bag on a regional jet. In my experience, these are the routes where checked luggage goes missing, maybe because it’s not a priority for baggage handlers.
Anon
I’ve found that gate-check, which the OP mentions, works significantly better at airports where you enter/exit on the tarmac. I’ve often had to take regional jets were you either leave from or land from an airport where you are dealing with a jet way, and it takes significantly longer to get the suitcases to the jet way connecting the airport to the airplane. I don’t know if that is because they can’t just use a large luggage cart but have to move the suitcases up individually, but it is a pain I would want to avoid if possible.
Anon
Also, bag wise, I really like my Cuyana weekender.
Annie
I would get the LeSportsac weekender in black for this: https://www.saksoff5th.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442510088&site_refer=CSE_GGLPLA:Womens_Handbags:LeSportsac&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIp9-P0sHC3QIVzwOGCh3iRAUFEAQYAiABEgLgjPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds.
AIMS
Has anyone tried this brand before? These clothes are all sort of gorgeous. And though I’m not wild about paying $300-400 for polyester, I do really like the featured dress and lots of the other stuff they have is wool. Curious what the quality/fit is like. It looks like they have a 10% off promo for new customers, too.
Cat
A partner I used to work with LOVES it – have seen a few of the tops on her (she likes them for giving CLE presentations) and they look beautiful. Unfortunately I’m not close enough to her to ask for sizing details…
AIMS
Thanks. I was just thinking they have fantastic tops for looking authoritative without wearing a jacket.
Anon for this
I’m really sharp and cranky lately and I’m having a hard time getting my “attitude” under control. It’s been a very overwhelming summer- my dad died, I became an aunt, I moved in with my partner, half of my team quit their jobs – all in August alone! I’m exhausted in a deep, deep way. My patience is at an all-time low and things that shouldn’t annoy me do, and big time.
Example: this weekend, partner and I were cooking dinner. Partner insisted on being part of preparation, but did not take any initiative. I was trying a new recipe which I had printed out, and it was sitting in front of both of us. Instead of just gathering ingredients or otherwise owning a task, partner waited to be told what to do. I told him to chop the onions and garlic and cook them. After he put them on, he started playing around on his phone and the whole mess burned to a crisp. I got more frustrated than I probably needed to, and asked him to just let me do it on my own. This caused offence and an argument.
How do you get a grip during times when you are just so.damn.run.down? I am going to therapy to talk about my feelings of grief and stress and just being generally overwhelmed. But in annoying moments, I am just having such a hard time staying soft these days. I am looking for any practical strategies you have.
Anonymous
I’m not good at this, but walking away and not reacting in the moment when I am really pissed is something I never regret. Count to ten, take a break, wait until you are calmer to respond.
Also, do not be afraid to spend time alone now that you are cohabiting – it is okay to ignore each other and not do everything together. If you are an introvert you may be feeling the lack of solo time to recharge, and it is a weird adjustment to live with a partner. It took me a while to figure out that we could just be on our own in the same space sometimes.
nuts
Automate everything you possibly can (delivery groceries, dry cleaning, pet supplies, etc.) and simplify everything you possibly can (no trying new recipes – use simple recipes with few ingredients, ex. salad with rotisserie chicken). Clear your mental plate.
Anon
This is me.
Dial waaaay back. If you had broken your foot, you wouldn’t walk more than necessary. When your mind is overwhelmed, it also needs to rest.
I am not kidding: I don’t try new places to eat, new recipes, don’t worry about meeting new people in my new city (2,000 miles from home), don’t push the workouts. Everything that can go on autopilot, goes on autopilot.
Rainbow Hair
Therapy. Anxiety can manifest itself as rage/short temper/irritability. Therapy really helped me figure out how to push pause when I feel like my reactions were disproportionate to the situation.
OP
I’m finding that therapy is good for helping me process my emotions, but hasn’t been great for giving me practical strategies to use in everyday life. What I mean is, therapy has helped me identify the problem (that my reactions are disproportionate and this is wrapped up in what I’ve been through recently) but not the “how” of hitting pause. What does that look like? I can’t figure out how to communicate that I’m annoyed, when I’m annoyed, in a way that is kind. This probably sounds ridiculous, because in theory, I could just shut my mouth or remove myself from the situation. But in practice, I just feel so irrationally annoyed that my partner can tell.
Anonymous
There are different kinds of therapy. You may be looking for something like dialectical behavioral therapy which is skills based.
eertmeert
Yes to DBT. There are good workbooks out there, so you can do a little at-home prep while you search for a DBT trained therapist. DBT was created by Marsha Linehan – look for her published workbooks.
Aso, there’s an app called DBT911 which I’ve used, and is a bunch of short exercises to get you through the tiny day to day crisis moments. Would be helpful to pull up when you’ve removed yourself from a situation to cool down and re-center.
Good luck, and give yourself the space to make some mistakes right now – you are dealing with a lot, and doing the right thing by looking for tools to help you get through.
Anon
I’m trying to imagine a man talking to his group of friends about being sharp and cranky when his partner did something wrong and I’m just not coming up with anything. Because they wouldn’t. And you shouldn’t either. You’ve been through a lot. Your partner should be supportive. Your partner should follow through on what he said he’d do, and if he didn’t, then being annoyed is perfectly fine.
Take good care of yourself and don’t apologize for asking for what you need, even if it’s just some g0ddamned help in the kitchen.
NYNY
It sounds like you recognize that you’re a little crispy right now, so try to tune in to how you feel and ask for what you want. For example, when your partner insisted on being your half-assed sous chef this weekend, if you had been able to say up front, “hey babe, cooking a new recipe is a way for me to de-stress, but directing you ruins that. Why don’t you go do something else and we’ll eat together when this is done?” then he wouldn’t have burned things and you wouldn’t have gotten (justifiably) mad at him.
Anonymous
Well you were right to be annoyed because his behavior was annoying. Is this a common thing? He insists on being “helpful” but really that means tell me everything I have to do in precise detail and if you leave out one little step that I – as a human adult who has lived on their own for 15+ years – should damn well know by now, it is your fault because you didn’t tell me to do that. Like when he offers to do laundry and you tell him it has to be on cold and gentle cycle and don’t put my bras in the dryer – and he does all that but doesn’t use detergent because you didn’t say anything about detergent. Not that I have any personal experience. Ahem.
Anonymous
For these accusations being made against Kavanaugh days before the vote — if this woman was sooo bothered by what he supposedly did at 17, why wait 35+ years to come out with it (or 30 years if we count therapy)? Why not come out with it when he was up for Court of Appeals? Was she just holding onto it in case Sup Ct ever happened? Seems awfully convenient.
anon
Don’t feed it, people.
Anonymous
Probably never occurred to her that anyone would be surprised or interested. Powerful catholic white man who doesn’t believe women are people tried to force himself on one as a teenager. Yeah, we thought so…
Anonymous
Just stop.
I believe her. She has the right to come forward, or not, whenever she wants to tell her story. His actions are to blame, not her timing.
Anon
Just go away.
And Peggy
Are you serious? Plenty of women don’t speak up immediately after being assaulted. Speaking up or reporting someone for that kind of violation gets you all sorts of attention you don’t want, people could have accused her of lying 30 years ago, because she never had proof, and nothing productive would ever come of it so it probably didn’t seem worth it at the time, but now that he could be on the Supreme Court now it seems like mentioning it might be a good idea. Sort of an “I can’t stay silent any longer” thing.
Anonymous
Right but in 30 years hasn’t she moved on with life? Is she really crying about it daily or even thinking about it once a year? Or is it a convenient way to stop a judge she doesn’t politically like?
Anonymous
Wait so if the victim doesn’t cry daily for 30 years then it doesn’t matter? Or didn’t happen? Cmon now.
Anonymous
The way you move past things is by not dwelling. Even if it happened – you don’t speak of it or think about it. That’s just my Asian pragmaticsm. So this woman instead drags it out 30 years later when it’s politically convenient?!
Anonymous
This makes no sense. Lame trolling. Please come back when you can make some fun troll points.
Anonymous
@12:30
I’m also Asian and WTF?!?
Anonymous
I’d encourage you to think of this less as a “politically convenient” moment and more of a “last chance to say something before it’s too late.” You can’t just skip ahead to “forever hold your peace.”
Anonymous
She has moved on with her life – she saw a therapist, got married, pursued a career, all that. The issue isn’t her getting even by harming his career because he harmed her. The issue is that this behavior from a judge nominated to the Supreme Court is very troubling and signals – rightfully so – that his judicial opinions could be influenced by his own past behavior. If a case about sexual assault were to be heard by the Supreme Court, would you really be able to trust that he could be an impartial judge of the law? I certainly wouldn’t be able to do so given the allegations. Not to mention the potential for other women to be assaulted by him once he’s in such a position of power.
And Peggy
So I was assaulted about 10 years ago. I can tell you that no, I don’t cry about it at all, but I do think about it, especially with the #metoo movement and any time I think or talk about my personal boundaries, or “missing stair” people in friendgroups. What happened to me definitely shaped how I interact with others and how trusting I am of men I don’t know well. There’s a ton of grey area between crying oneself to sleep over past trauma and pretending like it never happened, let’s stop acting like it’s one or the other and only one approach is the correct one that all women must follow.
Anonymous
I had a very similar situation with an acquaintance in college, which yes, I reported. Twelve years later, I don’t follow his career. Last I heard, he returned to his home state on the opposite coast, but he could be anywhere in the world. If he were a SCOTUS nominee, yes, I would likely feel compelled to come forward, no matter how much time has passed.
K
+100
anon
See, this is why we don’t feed them.
Dude, anonymous, go bother someone else. No one wants you here. We know what you’re doing. Find a better hobby. Maybe learn how to use adverbs.
cbackson
Not going there. Move on to another site for your trolling, please.
Anonymous
Why – no one is allowed to disagree because you must ALWAYS be right?
anon
Just quit trolling. That’s what you’re doing. This isn’t a good faith question. You’re not trying to start a genuine discussion. Go away.
Anon
Awfully convenient that #MeToo has happened since the last time he had confirmation hearings so she’s more likely to be heard and less likely to be victim-blamed this time around, too.
Anonymous
I thought this thread was an awesome explainer “about Gen X teens and sex”
https://twitter.com/helaineolen/status/1041390316048326661
Anonymous
Read this thread. If things were this bad in the 80s, how/why did parents let their daughters out if the house and to parties? And even if kids weren’t telling, these parents grew up in the 60s/70s when culture was no better. Why even allow your kids to be in that position?
Anonymous
Homeschooling picked up a lot of steam in the 80s. Seems crazy now, but there was definitely a lot of “what happened to us will not happen to our children” in that culture among people who had witnessed or experienced that reporting on teachers/priests/coaches/classmates/high school athletes, etc. just made things worse for the victim.
Seventh Sister
As a late-stage GenXer, I can assure you that it was pretty much like that Twitter thread when I was in high school during the mid-1990s. I had a friend who was assaulted at my high school and the administration’s response (because it happened just after school was dismissed for the day) was to tell her to find a quarter and call the police from a pay phone across the street. Another friend was assaulted and she got suspended because when it happened, she was cutting class along with the guy that attacked her (he got suspended for the same amount of time).
While nothing that bad happened to me, I got the opportunity to enjoy a great deal of bullying and s**t-shaming. When I was in high school, I told exactly one adult about it, exactly one time, when I had to get out of a really abusive situation. I never bothered to tell otherwise.
Anon
Why do you assume she knew when he was appointed to the Court of Appeals? I’m an attorney and I don’t even follow everyone who is appointed.
Is it Friday yet?
+1
Maybe it’s been out of sight, out of mind, but suddenly seeing him in the news and possibly about to step into a position of huge power made her think it was time to speak up. It is also completely understandable that she did not speak up 30 years ago.
AIMS
Thank you. Also SC is a big, big deal.
I was one of the people who was very skeptical about this initially but she clearly didn’t want to come forward publically, did come forward, her story is corroborated by the therapist’s notes from several years ago and the friend’s denial is “I don’t recall” (not “oh my god, never!) and she’s now dealing with a whole lot of harassment and probably threats, and she is willing to testify. To me, that makes for a credible accusation that should, at minimum, be explored. The defenses I am hearing are absurd (He was 17. … It was a lot time ago … ugh).
Anonymous
Supreme Court nominations are much more national news. It’s possible she wasn’t even aware of his appointment to the Court of Appeals and/or didn’t think sharing her story would make a difference because no one really cares about lower court judges (which is a mistake, because they’re very important, but it’s true!)
Anonymous
I know this is a troll by now but I think I’d answer the larger question “could this be a political hack job?,” with maybe. But I’m inclined to believe this man is unfit to serve. If Kavanaugh thinks it’s unfair maybe he can cry to Merrick garland about it.
I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m done with republicans destroying norms and standards and then looking to democrats to uphold them.
Anon
+1
Anon
So true!
Anon
Serious question: should the Republicans have blocked Garland’s nomination by the same nasty tactics the Democrats are using against Kavanaugh? We could have dragged him through the mud, gotten women to allege assault back in college, groping under the desk, pubic hairs left on cans of Coke, whatever.
Would that have made you happier? By all appearances, you all think that ripping a good person to shreds is an acceptable way to knock out nominations you don’t like. Merrick Garland’s reputation is intact.
Anonymous
Serious answer: yes. Also McConnell would have if he could have. I believed Anita hill too.
anon
Serious answer: What planet are you on? The republicans blocked his nomination using equally terrible, but different tactics. I don’t think for one hot second that repubs are above this sort of nonsense and you would have used it if it was available to you. Y’all are STILL b*tching about Clinton’s bl0w j0b heard around the world.
OOPS, sorry, I’m persecuting republicans on this board again.
Anonymous
It is especially ironic that this is happening to BK after his role in the Starr investigation.
Anon
Actually I think this would have been preferable. The Republicans literally prevented the President from doing his job by not following through with their duties. It was despicable and disrespectful. If they don’t want a President selecting a judge “during an election year” then Democrats are perfectly allowed to try to stop the appointment of a President under investigation for charges that could lead to treason – AAAAAND guess which one is the most ethically disgusting.
Anon
I can’t fault someone for coming forward years later.
What bothers me is the total lack of any details that would bolster or undermine her claim (host of the party, approximate date, approximate location, who invited her, other attendees), but she seems to have total recall that it was most definitely Brett Kavanaugh.
Anonymous
Has she said she doesn’t know these details? Just because she hasn’t volunteered them doesn’t mean she doesn’t know…
Anonymous
I’d probably remember the person who did it and try to forget everything else.
Why is this so hard to believe? Of course this guy hates women and wants to control them! That’s literally the point of all of this!
Anon
Wait, what? How does he hate and want to control women? Are you high?
anon
………reproductive rights……….. don’t be a simpleton.
Even if you disagree with her position on abortion/bc you obviously knows what she’s not “high” and you know what she’s referring to.
Anonymous
If I’d gone to high school with someone who thought so little of women as people that he tried to r@pe me, but didn’t get away with it I might stay quiet; I’d have nothing to gain from coming forward and would likely be questioned and attack for speaking up.
If I later learned this person was being appointed to the scotus by a President who promised to take away women’s rights and literally the only thing that had a chance of stopping his appointment and the repeal of roe was me and my story? Now I have to come forward. This timing makes sense to me.
Anonymous
I actually approve of the conservative turn the Supreme Court is taking. Even so, I agree with the comments about the timing. If a nominee had done this to me in high school, I also would only be speaking out now. I would have waited to do so until I was sure it really mattered. This is the last chance to say something before a lifetime appointment. I wouldn’t have said something earlier because I’m not stupid — I’d have known how my life would get ripped apart and what would happen to me the moment I opened my mouth.
I Believe Her!
How would she have known that he had been nominated for the Court of Appeals? I’m an attorney and I can tell you that’s not something that I follow. And I don’t blame her for not coming forward, exactly because of the way she’s being attacked now. She took a polygraph and passed. that’s good enough for me. Will he do the same?
anon
I will say- I believe her (and as a rule do believe accusers on things like this) but the timing also struck me, as it does in a lot of other similar cases. Definitely not enough to question her, but it’s something that I wanted to ask about to get a different perspective but didn’t feel like I could.
I don’t have any personal experience with harassment or assault, so I really appreciate the perspectives shared on this thread. They really make sense to me, so thanks for that.
I’m not OP btw.
AIMS
Initially, when it was just an anonymous account, it struck me too. Now that she’s come forward and with corroborating evidence, I tend to believe her. I had something happen to me at 15 that I didn’t go to the authorities about. To be honest, I regret that I didn’t but that ship has long sailed. You can be sure if the person somehow managed to be up for a SCOTUS appointment I would speak up now.
Anonymous
+1
Book club reject
Man, I feel bad for myself today. Thanks to FB, it seems that I know a ton of women in book clubs. No one has ever asked me to join.
I work FT in finance and seem to have more masculine reading tastes (WSJ + nonfiction anything + biographies; rarely read fiction anymore b/c I often read in 30-min chunks often when tired). Current reads are Never Split the Difference and something on the history of navigation / time (together). This wouldn’t be obvious to anyone else though. I’d go if asked (and isn’t this just a cover for wine drinking? do people actually read and discuss the books at meetings? I have no idea. I am good at wine drinking :)).
Sometimes, I feel like fish out of water at work (b/c I’m one of the lone women) and really want to have better girl friends (but I work FT in finance, so most of my local FB friends are acquaintances b/c our kids are in the same grades).
I was in the local Junior League but I’m a sustainer now (that used to be helpful, pre-kids).
Anonymous
“Hey, don’t wanna be too pushy, but saw your post about book club and I’m dying to join one- I miss chatting to women about books! Obvi no pressure but if you even have room for new members I’d be all in!”
Case
So, there’s probably more going on then I’m picking up from your comment, but have you ASKED your friends to invite you to their book clubs? I’ve been in a few different book clubs over time, and formation is usually pretty random (e.g., started as a friend group and then other friends added and then connecting friend moved…, or someone posted on a shared social group “I want to start a book club!” and it was a bunch of randoms within that several thousand person group who got – and stuck – together.)
I wouldn’t chalk it up to your book tastes or other issues. Try to take the initiative and mention to a few friends “hey, I’d really like to join a book club – do you know of one that’s open to new members?” and see what develops.
mascot
Have you asked your friends if any of their book clubs are accepting new members? Most book clubs don’t have some super formal selection process. My book club does actually read/discuss the books. I’ve read some books that I never would have picked on my own thanks to book club and we’ve done both fiction and non-fiction, classics and new releases. I’ve been in a couple of book clubs and it’s rare that the picks are “fluff” type books. The people that want to socialize around books are somewhat serious readers.
Anon
Have you reached out to these people starting book clubs? Have you talked to your friends about starting one yourself? There are very few opportunities in any part of life that just fall into your lap without your doing anything first.
Anon
I’ve found a ton of book clubs on meetup that are always open to new people, if you really want to join one. If this is more a sense of feeling left out/without friends, I think that is a common feeling among professional women and fb just feeds it. But you can reach out to people and make some of those acquaintances friends if desired.
Anon
I don’t mean to come across as harsh but you sound rather proud of yourself for reading nonfiction. Are you really going to be able to join a book club reading Oprah’s picks and keep the attitude in check?
Anonymous
+1
I wouldn’t want someone who looks down their nose at me because they read “masculine” (and therefore more superior?) literature in my book club.
Man Books Lady Books
this.
more masculine reading tastes? come on.
anon
Yeah I’d hoped that by now we’d all moved on past the ingrained idea that “masculine” things are superior to “feminine” things and truly #coolgirls are more like the boys/can hang with the boys.
PS OP- fiction can be read in 30 minute chunks when tired. Just ask your friends! Book clubs are fun! Mine drinks lots of wine, sometimes talks about the book or not at all, we’re all good friends outside of book club, and we read everything from fluff fiction to literature to memoirs to non-fiction.
Torin
+1
Your comment reads like, “why are my friends leaving me out of their book club just because I’m dismissive of what they like to read?”
Anonymous
If you never talk about books with them, it may not occur to them that you’d be interested. Ask them what they’re reading and don’t be snobby about it .
Celia
Sometimes the Junior League itself will have a book club. If yours doesn’t, why not try to start one? I’d join that group!
Turks and Caicos
Any recommendations for things to do and/or places to eat? Is renting a car worth it if we only leave the property for dinner? We will have a baby with us who still takes two long naps, so I don’t think we’ll be leaving the resort during the day much. We’re staying on Grace Bay.
Delta Dawn
Would not rent a car– cabs are fine. With your baby, is s/he still small enough for the bucket seat carrier? Most of those are designed strapped in without the base for cab rides. Best meal of my life was the salmon at Coco Bistro. Would recommend doing an “excursion” or whatever the boat rental thing is where you go diving for conch– this might be tough with baby, though. Have fun!!
Anonymous
Thanks! Yes she’s still in the bucket seat and we know how to install it w/o the base.
NYCer
I agree with all of this. Coco Bistro and Somewhere Bar should both be on your list for dinners. And the half day snorkel trip with conch “diving” is great. Your hotel will definitely have the info about the boat trip and they generally pick you up right on the beach.
You can definitely get by without a car.
turks
As with everything in Turks and Caicos, car rental is expensive, but so are taxis. Its also a bit crazy driving down there, so I’d probably opt to avoid it and just ad-hoc use taxis on a daily basis
Tons of ECO-tours (try Big Blue if you’re looking for more environmental focus) – i believe they do kayak trips that may work with the baby. Potcake Place is great – its a rescue org (potcakes are the local mutts) that let you “borrow” a dog for a day and take it out to socialize them while they await adoption. We took our puppy to the beach and it was one of our fav memories. We skipped the conch farm – it just wasnt our thing
There are a number of restaurants in the Grace Bay area – we stayed at The Palms for our honeymoon and stayed mostly onsite (they run an all inclusive in the off season that was one of the best splurges of our lives), and the Windsong for a trip last year. There is a beachfront mexican restaurant (Somewhere Cafe and Lounge) by the Windsong that was great and pretty low-key. Theres also a great reef right in front of the Windsong which is right on the beach and an easy snorkel.
Enjoy your trip!
cbackson
…I was never interested in going to T&C but now I have read about this potcake thing and I am ready to visit RIGHT NOW.
Cat
+1 for Somewhere on the beach (mmm fish tacos) and also Coco Bistro; it was my favorite splurge dinner. Don’t bother with the Conch Shack. For a snorkeling day we really liked Caicos Dream Tours.
cbackson
Anybody have recommendations for vegetarian-friendly restaurants for a special-occasion meal in Munich? Doesn’t need to be vegetarian-only, but one of our party is a vegetarian and I want to make sure she has options. I don’t necessarily trust the internet on this because when traveling with this same friend I researched vegetarian-friendly restaurants in Buenos Aires and the info was not accurate (which was crappy for her).
Doesn’t need to be German food – we’re open to any cuisine – but we’re going to be celebrating, so we want it to be nice.
Mtl bagel
I went to Munich a couple of times for work and one of my favorite restaurant is Brenner. It is a nice place with an ambiance and offer a few vegetarian dishes and pasta. The fish are excellent (not vegetarian I know but it was good).
https://www.brennergrill.de/files/brennergrill/pdf/Steinpilze_EN_All..pdf
bogenhauser-hof
It has been years since I have visited Munich but Bogenhauser Hof is one of my all-time favorite restaurants.
Anonymous
Munich has some great Indian and Turkish restaurants.
C
I somehow got into an interesting discussion about panties with a friend over the weekend and wanted to take a pole of the hive.
Do you wear different style panties depending on what you wear?
Or
Always wear the same style no matter what?
Senior Attorney
Soma Vanishing Edge bikinis always. Different colors depending on what I wear.
Anon
Thongs all the time, because I don’t want VPL.
Anonymous
Same style every day. I have about 20 pairs of the same kind and I love them. I have a few Hanky Panky lace thongs for gardening only.
Anom
Ha! I’m 42 and have two kids. I do not bother with thongs anymore. I do pay attention to color. But I just can’t deal with worrying too much about VPL any longer. I’m not ignoring it all together; I try not to have bad VPL. But I’m not sacrificing comfort. No one is focusing all that my on my rear end.
Anonymous
I always find these types of comments interesting, cause I’ve got a lot of junk in my truck and find thongs the most comfortable. Just goes to show, it’s all personal preference
Torin
Word. If I found thongs uncomfortable I guarantee I would not wear them. Anything else, and I’ve tried many styles, including the Soma vanishing edge people recommend for supposedly not doing this, bunches obnoxiously under my clothes.
Cat
I mix it up — my workhorses are the Natori briefs, but if I’m wearing an a-line skirt or jeans, I go for the 100% cotton comfiness.
Anonymous
I have a big butt and have always found thongs to be comfortable. There’s no risk of getting a wedgie when there’s less fabric. However, I wear skirts daily during the summer in a relatively windy city, so I wear hip hugger/boyshort style (also seem to prevent wedgies compared to high cut/regular style underwear).
I do alternate fabric from cotton to microfiber depending on what fabric I’m wearing on top.
Rainbow Hair
Pretty much the same style no matter what. VPL is not a big deal to me. If you’re looking at my butt and you can see that I’m wearing undies, good for you I guess.
I got dressed up really pretty for a wedding a few weeks ago, lipstick and earrings and blowdrying my hair and the whole bit, mostly because I was so excited to dance with my husband. And I packed a black thong just to be fun/cheeky (ha!) and completely forgot to wear it.
Anon
Anyone knowledgeable about Roatan? We are heading to a wedding there in a few months. Wedding venue is in French Harbor, and while I usually opt to stay at the venue where a wedding is being held, my initial research suggests the West Bay might be a better option since we want to turn this into a short vacation with a couple of extra days. Is the West Bay’s main draw being party central, or is it really a better place to spend time if you’re looking for sandy beaches and nice restaurants? We’d rather stay in one place and not move hotels as we’ll only be there about 4-5 days. We’ll check on what some of our other friends going will be doing, as well, but curious for some recs. Thanks!
A-type B-type Match
For those of you who are A-type and are in a relationship with someone who is not – what strategies do you use to get big projects, where both partners need to chip in a good deal, accomplished?
Husband and I have gone through some big life events in the last 10+ years but I’ve always felt that I was leading and pushing the effort, getting all the logistics together, finding help where needed, and just making things work. I’ve felt I could not rely on husband to identify what he needs to do and get it done. He is a huge procrastinator in life, with moments of genius every so often that keep him well employed, well mannered, well read, etc. He’s also prone to bouts of mild to moderate depression (not looking for therapy recommendations yet). The life events tend to trigger depressive bouts, so I can never rely on genius to kick in when it’s needed. I don’t think he’s completely abnormal. My family is filled with similar personalities, although I mostly know a lot of people who talk about doing things and never actually do them which is basically what I think husband would be without my kicking us along.