Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The High-Rise Wide-Leg Pant In Doubleweave

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1. Tell me your stories about successfully reinventing your job!

   I have a secure job at a large company with very loose job descriptions and a culture of job-crafting. I’ve been in my role for five years and want to expand my range of responsibilities. For Reasons, it will be hard to officially shift to a new role. So I’d like to quietly just re-craft my current one and expand into lateral areas. Manager is fine with this, there is no one currently handling what I want to do, and it’s in line with the corporate strategy. I wouldn’t get a raise, but the skills would make me extremely employable in my industry.

   What’s your best advice for quietly redesigning your job?

   1. Hi, I don’t follow how you can “QUIETLY” redesign your job! Everyone else must know that you are now responsible for the redesigned tasks and keeping it a secret would not work! I recommend you do what I did. Just tell everyone you have boned up on the following new subspecialties that are not being handeled by anyone else, and have your manageing partner tell your co-workers that YOU are henceforth the go-to-woman on those subspecialties. To the extent that others have dabbeled in those areas, you can work with them to glean their expertise and take it over from them. They should not complain unless it affects their billeables, in which case, the manageing partner can allow you both to bill for your time for the same cleints.

      I have a Thanksgiving question for the HIVE: If you are not able to spend time with your family, are any of you rescheduling Thanksgiving for next May (May 2021)? The manageing partner suggested this and is looking for buy-in. He is giving us all off the 3rd Week in May 2021 so that we can celabrate it then with family. I think this is a great idea, which Margie came up with. Spread the word so that the Manageing Partner will be even prouder of Margie who has pretty much taken over all domestic responsibilities at their home in the Hamtons, as well as raising their family. Margie is again pregenant with a baby, and is expecting in February. The pandemic allowed for the manageing partner and Margie to get together nightly for months, and look at the results! YAY!!

   2. As long as you are not infringing on someone else’s territory, just do it – start doing the work and eventually it will become your thing. Example I am a lawyer but really like the marketing piece of our work so just started reaching out to our firm marketing people to work with them on projects and now it is assumed that is my job, because no one else was doing it but it has been successful.

   3. I did this successfully at my last job. When it came time to set goals for the year, I listed two areas under “professional development” where I wanted to expand my skills. That way my manager was aligned with them. She looked for opportunities to include me in meetings and projects. I took online training to get up on the fundamentals and sought out people in that area for informal coffees to let them know I was looking to do more like that. It came pretty naturally from there; I’m fortunate that my office is very supportive and collegial. Good luck and good for you for pushing yourself!

   4. I saw an area we weren’t staffed for so I went to my boss and made a case for us doing that thing. I envisioned many departments getting involved but since I brought it up it became my thing. Sorry this is vague but it’s industry specific, something akin to serving on industry committees.

   5. This may not work for everyone depending on how your duties are assigned or your role’s flexibility. I was hourly with a lot of flexibility (think: an atmosphere that encouraged collaboration) and some downtime at one point in the project I was hired for. I saw a group of inter-related projects I wanted to be involved with. I requested sitting in on meetings to learn more, since it was an emerging and “hot” sub-field. I ended up being slowly moved over to those projects once they saw I could contribute value. They appreciated an extra pair of hands on the less glamorous clerical and logistics work. My assignments grew from there. When my contract with them ended, I listed that experience on my resume to find a permanent job in that sub-field, where I am now.

2. I need recommendations for a coat to wear while walking in town in the winter. I typically like to walk for an hour or so a few days a week. I live in the Mid-Atlantic so it can get pretty cold (15-40 degrees Fahrenheit for much of the winter). I’d like to spend less than $250.

   1. I like the Uniqlo ultralight long puffer for exercise but don’t know if it would be warm enough for you. It’s fine in 2-4C days we’ve had thus far but it hasn’t been cold enough yet for me to test.

   2. I love my Eddie Bauer parka for these temperatures and price points.

      1. Same — have an Eddie Bauer coat that ticks all the boxes — I prefer a mid-thigh length for walking, but they have the longer ones as well.

   3. I have a columbia omni heat puffer I love. I’ve worn it in single digits with just a cashmere sweater underneath and been very comfortable. You have to “pre heat” them though and let your body heat build up a bit, but once it is warm it stays warm.

      1. I have gotten “good” winter coats – North Face, Eddie Bauer, even Montcler – for a song at upscale consignment places if there is one near you.

      2. Came here to recommend as well. I have one that has thumbholes (Heavenly hooded) which is great when I start off cold. Also washes like a dream time after time, so I don’t think twice about getting it sweaty.

   4. Land’s End Packable Down is great!

   5. In Boston, the key for winter walking coats is to have it be long enough to meet the tops of your boots so that your legs don’t freeze in the bitter cold/wind. When I regularly commuted via train, I had a long puffy coat from Lands End. I was a poor grad student at the time and it did the job to keep me warm at a reasonable pricepoint. My fancy working friends all had north face versions that were $500+.

3. I’m at a loss for what shoes to wear when I go in the office or am out in public. I’m mostly WFH and team leggings/sweaters, but pull jeans on to go out. I hate all my ankle booties, don’t love my sneakers (they feel so casual!) and it’s getting too cold for flats. What are you wearing? Budget around $100 and willing to shop sales.

   1. Black Blondo booties with a low chunky heel are my go-to shoes. They’re warm and waterproof but still look good. My sister swears by allbirds as a nicer looking sneaker and I’m also very tempted by a pair of Doc Martens.

   2. I’m absolutely wearing my Vionic Mara boots into the ground (from last year–looks like just lucky sizes now): https://www.amazon.com/Vionic-Orthaheel-Mara-Womens-Boot/dp/B07942Q1VK?th=1

      They are SO comfortable, with a shaped insole, and I like the chunky look with all kinds of jeans and slim pants/leggings. I never once wore these to the office in before-times, but now I am wearing them 3-4X a week for WFH and out in public.

      1. I like those Vionics!

         I’m switching between my Docs (a flat pair and a pair with heels) and the Sorel Harlow flat boots I got on a deep discount.

      2. Do you tuck your jeans into these?

   3. I love my Sorel Chelsea boots for this purpose: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B083QD1JKK/ref=twister_B073ZL156L

      1. I have those too and theyre perfect!

   4. I have last year’s Sketchers version of this and cannot say how much I love them. There are no words. Wore for 12 hours yesterday, did grocery run, cooked dinner, and walked the dog twice. Only changed out of them b/c I thought I might do a light workout (or doom scroll for a couple of hours — oops). My feet hate shoes. My ankles hate not having socks. My feet love these and I can wear socks.

      https://www.zulily.com/p/gray-yip-leather-boot-5675-86922890.html?tid=googpla_9876703665_98528159925_86922931_zcvp2_US&gclid=CjwKCAiA-_L9BRBQEiwA-bm5fg8iCwq90NpybsMpQfipC30zXfwQuV6LJdsXlHWsGdaiQTrr_pctuxoCsiIQAvD_BwE

   5. I have a pair of Chelsea boots from Madewell that I wear almost every time I leave the house. Comfy and go with most outfits, casual without being a tennis shoe.

   6. I’ve been wearing Rag & Bone Walker booties and using a backpack instead of a tote or purse. I don’t wear cute heeled boots anymore because my city feels apocalyptic lately and I like feeling like I could make a run for it if needed.

4. I’ve been making craft cocktails at home throughout 2020, and am debating making my own liqueurs and/or bitters. Has anyone done this?

   1. I make flavored simple syrups (ginger, rosemary, thyme, grapefruit are all hits) and am trying out a homemade coffee liqueur right now (tastes more like the vanilla bean steeping in the bottle than it does coffee). I think I have as much fun making and mixing as I do sipping the cocktails.

      1. Ooh, that sounds like a perfect gift for my cocktail making friend! Thank you for the inspiration!

   2. I haven’t done this myself, but check out David Leibowitz! He just released a recipe book of craft cocktails and has a number of recipes on his website.

      1. thank you for sharing!! I’ll have to check him out.

   3. I’ve made limoncello – pretty easy and fun to make . You can also do other citrus fruits but lemon is the best.

      1. +1 I have a lemon tree and make limoncello every year. I’ve also made plum liqueur for the same reason.

   4. I just took a class on making my own bitters! It was neat, but I’m not sure doing it is actually worth it- you have to source a lot of very particular herbs, and there is not a ton of skill involved. It was basically just dumping everything in a jar and letting it sit. I think making interesting simple syrups might be more fun and rewarding.

      1. ooh can you share where you took this class? I already make simple syrups..I thought bitters would be a good next step

         1. Through the US Botanic Garden- it was taught by Dwight Grimm of Cinema with a Twist. Seemed like a one-off but maybe they’ll do more.

   5. I’ve taken so many cocktail making classes during all of this I think I would have a second career as a bartender! Haven’t done bitters or liqueurs (yet). Done lots of simple syrups and shrubs. About to attempt to make my own absinthe.

   6. I give my boyfriend a whiskey infusion kit and it was a big hit and now he is into infusing all sorts of liquors for craft cocktails. Lots of fun!

   7. Infusing vodka is so easy! For instance, strawberries + covered in vodka on your counter for a week + strained = delicious! Make great gifts too. Be sure to google how long to infuse different items – some only require a few days, others several weeks.

5. Recs for joggers for men? I want to buy a pair for my dad (65 years old, 6 feet tall, 175 pounds). My parents have moved from a warm climate to the Colorado mountains, and I think he’d love joggers for wearing at home and taking the dog out.

   I’d also appreciate any running tight recs for men also for my dad. He has a few older pairs, but I’d like to upgrade them. I may just go to a local running store for those.

   1. Sporthill tights may work for both categories. They have a jogger style and you can actually run in them too (my dad does).

   2. Mack Weldon (Weldon?) Is great for this sort of thing if you’re willing to spend. They are my husband’s happy place.

   3. Zella brand at Nordstrom have been a hit with my husband.

6. My kids were home from school for 2 weeks in March; then all spring; then 2 weeks of remote learning in August; then 4 more; then 4 more; then until January. At the rate summer residential camps are getting cancelled, I doubt my kids will be in school in January. Clearly, I should have hired a nanny (but who with able-bodied school aged kids hires a nanny for them for 40-50 hours/week) back in February, but who would have predicted that things would still be getting worse (and could we not have been in school up until now (and our giving notice, retracting notice, giving notice, retracting it would have likely won us no friends as an employer)? Our schools closed initially when about 5 people in our county had it; am in one of the country’s top 20 cities).

   I am thinking that I may not regain FT status at work until September 2021 at best and hoping I can hang on with what I’m guessing will be a whopping salary cut to match my effecting 65% FTE status over the year (and that take about 125% effort compared to my normal FT output).

   1. Ugh, it’s so so hard. My kiddo’s nursery is finally opening full-time next week and I am just broken and exhausted.

   2. It’s really hard. We just have one 8 year old child and I am so sick of this. We have no child care help and don’t see a lot of great options. We are in NYC, which has been extremely conservative all along. I am cautiously optimistic schools will reopen here for hybrid learning at some point this winter since there is a growing consensus that schools locally have not been driving the uptick in cases here–we just shut down last week–but the hybrid school is almost worse than fully remote as there is no live instruction on the days my son is at home, which is 2/3 of the time.

   3. So true about 65% productivity taking 125% of the effort.

      I also wonder about a nanny. My kids were in school for about two months this fall but are back home now (supposedly back in January but I’m sure it’ll last until at least Spring Break). I’m realizing that summer day camps likely won’t happen again – in my area they all fill up the first weekend in January and I’m sure they’ll be limited in nature if they run at all – so I need to figure out a second summer of options.

      Our jobs have been accommodating but are starting to have less patience for those with lower productivity or constant interruptions. I think they think we should have figured out a system by now, but with the rules and situations and KIDS constantly changing, but still all of us living in the same small space, there’s no system, no answer, that keeps us all quiet and our internet working consistently and on the same schedules.

      We’re seriously considering one of us going to part time, but we worry that it’ll just be a cut to 50% that still takes 100% effort so the gains won’t be worth the paycut. But this is so hard and it feels like it’s not getting better. I don’t know how we make it through the summer.

      I don’t have any answers. But I’m right there with you and feeling like I’m the only one who hasn’t figured this out, so thanks for the solidarity.

   4. Hi – we’re in a similar boat in the Chicago suburbs. My kids (7 and 10) were remote from Labor Day to mid-Oct, went back from mid-Oct to mid-Nov, at 2.5 hrs a day, but then back to remote and we’re ??? about going back after Thanksgiving since I’ve seen what my peers are up to in terms of travel, unmasked socializing, and large family gatherings…
      Is hiring a part time nanny/sitter an option for you financially and safety-wise? We had one from June-early August, and then hired someone else starting in September. Current sitter worked in an industry hit hard by the pandemic and didn’t have a ton of babysitting experience, but is reliable, fun, and perfectly capable of supervising my kids, esp when one parent (usually both) are at home. It made a huge difference in our productivity, and though we may be overpaying for her to play video games, be on standby if remote school IT issues arise, and generally provide the light supervision my kids need.

      1. Adding…. for summer, we’ve made peace with the fact that this summer will likely be a combo of sitter and part-time outdoor summer camps, which is where we ended up last summer after we weren’t comfortable sending the kids to the full-time daycamps that had been our plan (which remarkably did actually run starting in July with a lot of precautions and no major outbreaks). Maybe we go back to normal in Summer 2022.

      2. Also in the Chicago suburbs. We looked into a nanny and were told to expect to pay $22/hour, plus social security, etc. The pay rates have gone up since the pandemic took hold.

         1. Not sure if you’ll see this, but we paid under $15/hr over the summer and are paying $16/hr now, so if you’re looking for less experienced/professional nannies (mine have been a college senior and recent college grad) you may find lower rates.

   5. Right there with you. I don’t think my kids are going to be going to any kind of in-person school this year in Southern CA. Of course, the varsity football team just HAS to practice (sorry, “non-contact conditioning”) but my fourth grader can’t meet his teacher in the parking lot with a mask on because OMG SAFETY.

      Preschools in our district is open in-person, as are some classes of kids with special needs and pods of at-risk kids.That makes sense, but really, the high school athletics piece makes me furious. They could have classes outdoors but apart from a committee spearheaded by parents, nothing’s happening on that front. It’s very disappointing.

   6. Similar situation here. My kids are 9 and 12 and have been home since March. They did a haphazard remote learning from March-May. Then were home all summer while I worked from home. They honestly watched a lot of TV . They have been both doing remote learning since August, but is at least more structured than it was last Spring. I help them in the morning and then do my own work late into the evening. It is very difficult. Our state has locked everything down again (we are the other state from the NY Times article posted the other day. NM.) and I have no idea when my kids will go back to school. I am assuming not at all next semester. Hopefully next Fall.

7. Interesting question for today, do you consider yourself intellectual? I don’t mean intelligent – I know that pretty much all of the women here are smart and talented in their fields. In terms of intellectual, I mean do you have an inquiring mind, academic interests, a desire for understanding important subjects, an interest in philosophical questions, and so on. I’ve noticed a bit of a divide with two of my closest friends – we can have fun in the moment doing things together, but they are a lot less “in their head” than I am and they tend to talk more about their plans for the day, what so and so said last week, and other more “life logistics” subjects like workouts and meal planning. I think I might be boring them sometimes when I bring up topics I’m interested in on an intellectual level. Curious what you all think and if you’ve ever struggled to connect to friends who are somewhere else on the intellectual spectrum or who don’t share niche interests (and it goes without saying that there is nothing wrong with wherever you are on that spectrum! We all have different interests and strengths and passions). Also, if you do consider yourself intellectual, are you an introvert or extrovert? What’s your field?

   1. I feel like thinking is something you do for a reason or because you wonder (either you have time or something just jumps out at you).

      I don’t think this qualifies me as an intellectual, but in one area, campers aren’t allowed to wear deodorant for backcountry backpacking b/c there are bears. But that just changes your sent (to the bear) from “person wearing deodorant” to “stinky person”, no? I mean, the bear can still tell either way I’d think. Yes? No?

      Also: can I design an algorithm that will make my fiction juicy and sell well and possibly have option-able film rights (vs morphing into fancy fiction that may win awards but will leave me unable to quit my day job). I mean, Jackie Collins mastered this. I’d rather be like Jackie if possible.

      1. The bear thing is interesting – maybe floral deodorant scents stick out more than natural sweaty smells?

         1. Also with backcountry things: could you use unscented deodorant? And you’re pooping into holes — can the bear not smell that (and that people scat smells different)? And if you are OTR, I know you have to hike that stuff out, but even in a ziplock it is going to be rank, fast, if it is summer (where I am from, bears are out in the summer a LOT).

            I hate bears. They make me want to go glamping vs actual camping.

            1. Bears don’t want to eat your poop and they don’t want to eat people. They are looking for food and many deo or similar products have food like smells so you mostly just want to avoid smelling like possible food.

            2. You don’t poop into regular ziplocks, you use wag bags that come with chemicals to solidify and to neutralize smells, and carry out in that.

      2. No deo to keep away the bears is a standard thing everywhere. You can use unscented antiperspirants instead.

         1. Is it that deodorant scents attract bears (how on earth do you test this???)? But people-scented people don’t? What about sunscreen — they have an odor even if unscented from those I’ve used? And my sense was that bears can tell what is food and are attracted to that (so does my “shower fresh” deodorant smell like food to a bear?). But people don’t necessarily smell like food (but maybe person signals “food must be near”?). So many questions now.

            Bears get into my parents’ trash all the time and even though they don’t have opposable thumbs can defeat bungie cords and other things used to keep trash can lids on. [I was horrified at cities where bagged trash is thrown onto the streets — it’s like a buffet for any rodent.]

            1. Lots of deodorants smell like food (vanilla for example or orange blossom). It’s kind of hard for parks to provide a comprehensive list and I don’t think they’ve tested bears with specific scents. Same reason you shouldn’t keep toothpaste in your tent (mint). Just generally avoid scented products in the backcountry and you cut your bear interaction risk. You don’t want to smell new and interesting.

               Why are you so concerned with smelling ‘shower fresh’ in the backcountry? Just buy some unscented anti-perspirant.

            2. Well, you can make people wear thirts etc for a long time with or without deo, and then put the thirts in boxes and observe which box the bears attack or go for first, compared to other available “normal” food for them.

               I’m guessin this would be millitary style research, in the same vein as the research on bears (Grizzlys, Polar bears etc) and menstrual blood.

               Mary Roach’s book Grunt – higly recommended for weird military research, including Julia Childs (the chef!) and bear spray.

            3. Grunt! OMG just reading the Amazon reviews makes me think I’ve found my people.

               I don’t want to smell shower fresh in the back country for others. It’s my nose that is closest to my armpits.

         2. Huh, I’ve never heard that and I live where there are tons of bears and lots of outdoor recreating.

   2. I consider myself an intellectual, yes. I read a lot. My husband and I often discuss ‘big ideas’ when we have the chance (two little kids). I have friends who share this interest and friends who don’t. I enjoy both types of friendships but for different reasons. It’s fun to talk about fashion, cooking, television, etc. These friends are very smart and very successful but they find intellectual stuff boring to discuss in their free time (their work life is already filled with difficult, complex issues). That’s ok with me. I don’t even bring up the other stuff with them, as we have plenty of other things to discuss. When I want to discuss deeper issues, I have other friends for that. I am an extroverted lawyer.

      1. +1 for different types of friends for different types of conversations.

      2. +1 This comment exactly described me, even the husband and 2 kids and having intellectual discussions when we can! You are generous in describing your non intellectual friends.
         Sometimes I have drifted away with friends when I couldn’t share my interests with them (even if it isn’t their interest) and I couldn’t relate to things they were talking about (celebrity gossip for instance).

   3. I wouldn’t call myself an intellectual, but I think for somewhat similar reasons I have ended up with different and distinct groups of friends. At all times I have four very different group texts going on different topics. Maybe you can focus on friends or find friends that satisfy that intellectual itch?

   4. Yes I do, but I don’t expect friends to be interested in deep intellectual discussions on topics that interest me all the time! I do a lot of reading to feed my curiosity and have had success joining non-fiction book clubs.

   5. Great question. I definitely do consider myself intellectual. I think I was just born that way, although I wish I had actually gone to a good high school so I could have gotten more of an education in the classics and challenged myself more. I do think it sets me apart from some of my friends sometimes. We are all pretty liberal politically, but I have noticed that I sometimes I’m the only one who will push back or dig deeper into an issue and not just accept the party line. I think it is both having more of an intellectual nature and being a fairly critical person when it comes to my beliefs. I don’t accept mantras or the popular wisdom very easily unless it aligns with my own research on the subject.

      I also think that being intellectual has helped me in the pandemic. I’m not bored at home because I can always find something new to research and explore (my mom called it a “strong inner life”). I have really enjoyed learning more about classical music and history lately, two subjects that always interested me but that I didn’t really have the time to get into. I’m also reviving my German language skills (or what’s left of them) and reading a lot.

      1. Also, I’m a researcher, which is a good fit for me.

      2. Laughing at the “strong inner life” comment. My 1st grade teacher used those exact words to describe me. I think that was an accurate but kind way of describing a kid who wasn’t always paying attention to the mundane details of classroom life.

         1. Oh god this is still me — my inner life is so “rich” that I have trouble focusing on the outer world sometimes.

      3. “Strong inner life” speaks to me. I am curious and love reading about new things, but I don’t necessarily need to engage with anyone about it.

         1. Yes! I love to read but I’ve never been into book clubs. I like to read what I want and think about it but I don’t necessarily need to talk to others about it. I also make a lot of connections between disparate things that others don’t. I’m an introvert if I didn’t mention already, and I enjoy my own company.

   6. I consider my mom and intellectual. Fun to her is reading history, philosophy, theology, etc. Last summer she was re-reading the Divine Comedy and listening to lectures in her free time. She has the same struggle connecting with a lot of other people because she is more interested in discussing these types of topics than, say, meal planning and workouts. She has trouble finding great relationships because there aren’t a lot of people who are so intellectual and most of them are at home reading; how do two of these people meet outside of a university type setting? She is almost 70 years old and struggles with this.

      I did not follow in her footsteps and I’m probably more how you describe your other friends. My mom and I are super close, but if we met as two random women in the wild, I doubt we would have become friends because our interests are so different. She tells me a lot about what she is reading at any given time and, most of the time, I find it interesting enough, but have no desire to go read that material myself. I prefer to read my NYT Bestseller type books after work, which she would never read. And I do think that it’s been easier for me to find commonality with other women because I’m less intellectual.

      1. …I want to be friends with your mom?

         1. And if reading the Great Books (and talking about them!) appeals to you, she wants to be friends with you too!

            Do you know The Great Courses? She subscribes (it isn’t expensive) and loves their lectures about all kinds of topics.

      2. One of the silver linings of all this is that many museums that have always done seminars or talks for members are putting them online. I’m on the board of our local city museum and we’re reaching so many more people now that our programs are out there. Maybe your mom should check into some of these options! (Albany Institute of History and Art for anyone interested! There are lunchtime programs as well).

      3. Dang, seriously tho – does your mom want to be a Corporette Introvert den mother? Because I have a stack of philosophy books and a favorite translation of Divine Comedy. I feel like she’d read the Emily Wilson translation of The Odyssey with me.

   7. I think that people often don’t think I’m an intellectual (too busy with survival thinking: when do I need to put the turkey so that it is thawed by tomorrow night so I can brine it a little? do I have caffeine to last through a 14 day lockdown if needed? and TP? when did I last get a tetanus shot???).

      And then I watch reality TV and can’t crack open a book fast enough.

      I think we are all on a continuum and when we are out of balance, we seek to get balance back. I read a lot of early novels (like the Decameron) when I was a teen cashier at a Wal*mart type store. I read Town and Country and got fashion ideas when I was an IGA cashier. Now, I have a grown-up desk job and cruise the Old Navy website for stuff I buy and fancy stores sites just for visual interest. Life is weird that way. I do always read the WSJ and read most of the book reviews b/c I know I’ll never have time to read the actual books. I like crumbs like that — gives me things to think about.

   8. This is a major frustration I have in life as well — I like to have more abstract conversations but it seems that not many people do. I once dated someone for months longer than I should have for this reason — we were otherwise totally incompatible. I like to read a lot and having people to talk about what I’m reading about is really great.

      But I think labeling it “intellectual” is more likely to alienate people by making it sound like you think you are smarter/better than them. Also, I’ve found that women are more likely to have “yeah, me tooooo!!!” type of conversations when you don’t know each other as well — it takes longer before someone is willing to bring up more controversial topics or ones on which their opinion may be evolving.

      1. Man, no kidding to your second paragraph. I feel like this whole thread is a great example of why so much of this country is anti-intellectual.

         1. What does that mean?

            1. That learning is an obnoxious endeavor for only liberal elites.

            2. She’s being rude.

            3. I think the intellectual label sounds elitist to a lot of folks.

            4. Look at how Al Gore was pilloried for “sounding like a boring professor.” And Obama’s well-spoken, erudite ways put off a lot of “simple folk” who thought it was pretentious. I wouldn’t call myself intellectual per se but I do have a lot of intellectual curiosity about how things work and that puts me at odds with people who see life as just about play/fun/ease.

   9. Yes, I do. I think about a lot of random and in depth things, and I like reading about them and discussing them, but I know a lot of my friends are not as interested in that. To me I am only interested in talking about life logistics because I care about the person, but I am definitely interested in talking about them! I just want to talk about these philosophical things too. I bring it up to them sometimes but don’t want to bore them, so honestly I do talk about them in online forums more

   10. I’m an academic, so it is part of the job description. But I also read a lot outside my field, and as a result, seem to know a little about a lot of different things. But with friends and colleagues, we talk about work and politics, but also normal stuff – what we’re reading, watching, eating, gossip, dating, kids, etc. I know my boss’s love of hospital dramas, and she knows about my kid’s milestones.
       I’m pretty extroverted, particularly in contrast to a stereotypical academic, and quite happy to talk to anyone – I’m just really fascinated by people’s lives (others might call this nosy).

   11. I think there are many different levels and standards for what is considered “intellectual.” So, yes, I have my much more “intellectual” chats with certain friends and my much more “mundane” chats with other friends, but I am aware that theoretical outside spectators could judge differently.

       Also, for what it’s worth, I think intellectualism is something that can really leaned into or not, for many of us basically smart but not genius-level people. When I was in part-time grad school 4 or so years ago, I was in a much more intellectual state of mind on a day-to-day basis than I am right now. I also “nerded out” over certain topics then (politics, for me) and ignored other intellectual interests that I didn’t have time for (literature, for me) or honestly wasn’t particularly interested in (environmentalism, embarrassingly, for me).

       When I finished my grad school thesis on politics and graduated from my (non-political) master’s program, I was too upset by the 2016 election to pay much attention to politics for a long while, but I bought and read more books than I had since I was a child. I probably read 40 books (some light reads, but mostly literary fiction) a year for the next two years, at least. Anyway, my thought is that you can be an intellectual in one area and not another, and that the periods of intellectualism wane and wax.

       Although, maybe a true “intellectual” is consistently so :)

       1. When I was at NYU, I remember people really making fun of people who thought that the second amendment was important. Like openly mocking it. I may not be an intellectual, but I like thinking enough to dig into what is often the other side to the point of being a good Devil’s advocate. Man, that Devil’s advocate was not really welcome (so if I am intellectual, I am the world’s most naive one, probably would have been burnt at the stake in prior times). Not good at parties: it is in the Bill of Rights, no? People denied gun rights to freed slaves why exactly? Perhaps it is important? Nope, nope, nope. I felt like it was a valid exercise in thinking — to take a deep dive into the other side of things (I personally don’t own a gun and wouldn’t likely ever), but I think that there are people who like to think they are intellectuals and people who really like one side of an argument and they are often the same people. Challenge yo orthodoxy.

          1. I think there are also plenty of people who think the devil has enough advocates without listening to one droning on at a party.

             1. I think that there is a lot of orthodoxy out there.

             2. I think people who start a sentence with “just to play devil’s advocate…” usually aren’t very intellectually invested in the subject. They’re just trying to stir things up. I don’t think the NYU poster is a provocateur, but I’ve known so many in my life who have said things like “just to play devil’s advocate, what if women actually do belong in the home?” and it’s extremely, horrendously annoying to be around them.

             3. One of the things I loved about Game of Thrones is how it really ponders what is a good ruler? Can good rulers do terrible things for good reasons (much of Henry VIII)? Then there are rulers who do terrible things for terrible reasons.

                I think that in a debate, you can’t not appreciate and understand The Other Side, whatever it is, especially if it has any real following. Flat earth — it seemed flat at the time at least. For other things, if you can’t find the reasons the other side is appealing, and just call people stupid, etc., you can’t really intellectually discuss it. You’re basically yelling.

          2. Law school teaches you to read appellate opinions, not to understand the other side’s argument just as well as your own. It’s remarkable how many lawyers I know who are simply not capable of doing any sort of deep dive into opinions with which they do not agree, even if that deep dive would make their own arguments stronger. One of the few people I know who is really good at this is a trial lawyer, graduated from a total no-name law school (even by regional standards), now partner at a great firm.

             This is not the same as “devil’s advocate” provocateur types and it’s pretty easy for anyone with a half a brain to distinguish them. Ironically, lawyers should be the first to see this: you need to make a claim that at least theoretically has evidentiary support. “What if women actually belong in the home” is nearly impossible to support with evidence. “What if the Second Amendment is actually important” has evidentiary support: history of the Amendment, the debates around putting it in the Constitution, denial of gun rights since, etc. Although you do not have to agree with it, there’s evidence to support that position.

             1. My high school English teacher taught us to write argumentative exam essays in the style of Thomas Aquinas (by first laying out the opposition’s arguments and then responding to them one by one). I think it was intended as a shortcut to ensuring that we made an argument at all and that our timed essays were organized. But it wasn’t a bad habit to develop as teens, and I found that sometimes I changed my initial view after really considering it.

             2. I think there’s value to this, even if you don’t change your mind. Let’s take “women belong in the home” and assume that the person is talking about how we have always done this throughout history, this works best, women want to be at home with the kids, kids do better with Mom at home, etc. Parse it, dig into the social science research, and every single one of those claims is refutable – often for really interesting reasons.

                Modern working mothers spend more time with their kids than did 1950s housewives. The reason for this is that it used to take a tremendous amount of time to run a home: vacuuming and cleaning took forever, cooking took forever, washing dishes took forever, and old fashioned washing machines worked quite differently. (Automatic washing machines were unaffordable for almost everyone until the 1960s.) Women stayed at home not really because of the kids – they stayed home so that the clothes got clean and food got made.

                Sure, kids with a mom at home might do better, but the correlation/causation issue is insane. One third of stay at home mothers are married to men who earn at least $200,000 a year. Women who stay at home may be disproportionately in stable, low-conflict marriages (excepting the situations wherein abusive men pressure their wives to stay home). So what you’re picking up on is that upper-middle class kids with happily married parents do better.

   12. I’m an intellectual introvert in government policy. I find it hard to find friendships because I don’t really connect with most people and it’s sometimes hard. Being an intellectual has also resulted in a lot of very strongly held beliefs which is also not conducive to making friends. I’m very much the type of person who learns something and then implements it. For example microplastics, as soon as I learned of the harm of plastic fibre clothing I stopped buying it and 8 years later I’ve stuck with it. A lot of these things are off-putting for general society but it’s important for me to live in a way that I believe in. Sometimes I feel like my choices are be a good person or have friends, seems as though the two are almost entirely incompatible.

       1. Yeah this isn’t it. No one would care what clothes you buy if you aren’t annoying about it or putting them down.

          1. But most humans are not capable of having critical conversation about things without going into defense mode. Even something as simple as installing a rain barrel makes people uncomfortable (because they themselves haven’t done it). If all my interests are about intellectual topics and bettering society and others don’t do any of those things it’s only basic psychology for them to be defensive of their ‘normal’ lives and behaviours.

          2. …But no one would feel put down or annoyed if they weren’t committed to either being wrong about microplastics or harmful to the environment on purpose?

             1. (I personally think we can’t rely on consumer choice to protect the environment and that we just need to outlaw this stuff. But people who are willfully bad or willfully wrong are a massive obstacle to that goal as well. So I sympathize with the view that it’s hard to just go along to get along. I’m surrounded by people who believe in QAnon right now though, so that’s probably coloring my perspective.)

          3. This isn’t true. I do plenty of things similar to what Anon @10:03 says, and when I mention them people often get offended and taken aback even when I’m not telling them to do anything. I’ve been making a huge effort to phrase things in a way that doesn’t offend. I often feel stuck between essentially lying or alienating people when speaking to people I don’t know well. Part of this is the “yes, me too!!!!” culture of female conversation — when “me too!!!” would be a lie (e.g. as a response to “I love Amazon!”), what can I say that doesn’t make the other person feel judged? I really want to say, “actually I don’t use them because I find them to be an unethical company, etc etc”, but instead I tend to go with something like, “I don’t use them but I’m glad you find it helpful.”

             1. I struggle with this too. I’ve had friends say things to me like “I’m trying elderflower extract to cure my adrenal fatigue” and I know I’m expected to be interested and supportive, but I can’t just turn off my brain like that. It’s hard.

             2. Part of this is just conformity culture. I have some significant medical dietary restrictions, and I’ve noticed that many women are defensive when I turn down a food, as if I’m implying that they too should be my on my restricted diet. I’m not eating this way to be generally healthy or to be good or better than other people; I’m eating this way to stay out of the hospital, and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I haven’t had any success with different approaches (not explaining at all, explaining partly, explaining that I have a rare condition with severe symptoms that no one who lacks those symptoms could imagine that they have), so now I just don’t explain.

             3. I find conformity culture strong with alcohol. I rarely drink (election days notwithstanding lol) but it has nothing to do with recovering alcoholism, family alcoholism, medication restrictions etc – I just don’t like the taste so it’s on par with how I also don’t eat licorice — there’s no moral judgment of those who do. But people who do drink seem to see it as a judgment on them, when it’s not at all and I couldn’t care less.

       2. Yeah, this makes no sense and you sound like you just like feeling superior. I’d never call myself an intellectual, but I probably am (Ph.D in an environmental science, work in academia) and I’d happily debate the relative merits of different kinds of clothing with you, but it seems bizarre to fixate on microplastics, which I would not consider one of the most important issues, though obviously better avoided when possible. Cotton uses tons of pesticides and water and wool comes from methane producing ruminants, so those aren’t clearly better, the issues are just different and there are no simple choices. I say this as a long time vegetarian, mostly vegan, barely driving person who thinks about this stuff all the time, but does have to get dressed in something. Also, you only release microplastics when you wash them, so I see less problem with fleece outerwear that only gets washed once in a while.

          1. IRL this is a conversation I would love to engage in with great nuance. I don’t purchase new and am an avid sewer and upcycler so the use and end of life cycles are where my interests fall.

             1. I’d be happy to discuss in IRL too! When I teach, I have to think a lot about how to present material like climate change and carbon footprints without sounding judgmental and the key is to make clear that it IS complicated and there aren’t simple choices for individuals, which is why we need good laws. I make it clear that there are big differences in the climate impact of different diets, for example, without explicitly advocating for a vegetarian or vegan diet (and I don’t think everyone should be a vegan, though I do think we’d generally be better off if most people moved toward a more plant based diet than what Americans currently eat, for many reasons). I don’t think there are many situations where the solutions are black and white, though, and we always have to weigh the tradeoffs. People don’t like feeling judged, but when they hear information in non-judgmental ways, some of them will change their behavior and that can lead to momentum for legal changes (like banning those plastic beads in face washes, which gained momentum once people learned they were bad and stopped buying them).

       3. Anon at 10:03, you know you could wear clothes you “believe in” and not berate others for wearing different clothes? You can be a good person, or at least what you believe a good person is, and not require your associates to subscribe to all of your beliefs too? I don’t eat meat but I don’t require that all of my friends be vegetarians too. I suspect the reason you have a hard time making friends is not because you’re “an intellectual.”

   13. DH and I have pretty intellectual discussion when we can with three kids but he DNGAF about other things I’m interested in fashion (including intellectual aspects) or paint colors (I find the research on how different colors influence moods fascinating) – no one is interested in exactly the same things all the time.

       My besties are actually a set of twins. One has kids almost the same age as mine – we discuss the typical mom stuff – meal tips, Christmas gift ideas, birthday parties, shopping for kids snowsuits, what extracurriculars to put the kids in. Her twin also has kids but we are in the same profession and our conversations only mention the kids in passing and are much more intellectual. Similarly with a few work friends – some I relate more about working mom issues and others it’s more about the job/book club/politics.

       I don’t think it’s about being an intellectual or not, it’s about different friendships being focused on different things – different points of connection. That’s okay. One or two friendships don’t have to meet all your needs.

   14. I do have niche interests, but I don’t consider myself an intellectual. I’m fairly average when it comes to random trivia or philosophical discussions. But I agree there’s something to be said about being on the same wavelength as your friends and partners. Most of my friends and I talk fun stuff like travels and tv shows, but we can also segue into basic politics and history, and that has worked really well for us. OTOH I recently met a guy who brought up social and political topics but couldn’t offer any insightful thoughts. It was very obvious he lives in a bubble, has a limited viewpoint, and was parroting what he hears from the sources around him. So while I don’t think of myself as an intellectual and don’t expect people to vibe with me on all my niche interests, I think there should still be a basic level of awareness and critical thinking for what’s going on in the world.

       1. I agree with this. I’ve seen a kind of “performative intellectualism” that lacks depth or originality in thinking or critical reasoning ability. It’s just tiresome, but I think it’s overrepresented in today’s discourse. One example would be “abolish the police,” which is a catchy, attention-grabbing slogan, but most people who say it can’t actually defend it and will resort to mantras to justify it. I shouldn’t generalize too much since that’s just been my experience, but it’s definitely something I’ve noticed.

          1. I was surprised by this when I was in graduate school in the humanities. There were many very, very smart people among graduate students and faculty who did very good work as scholars, but only a subset seemed to be thoughtful or intellectually curious in general (or even knowledgeable in general outside of their own field). In politics, I realize there are incentives to just taking a side without thinking things through, but there’s still a bit of dissonance for me when I see a professor I absolutely trust and respect in their own obscure niche posting something politically ill considered and bandwagony on social media.

             1. Also did humanities grad work. I found that the more established people are, the lazier they may get intellectually and professionally. Not all, but some. Because there aren’t really any consequences most of the time.

          2. I didn’t perceive “abolish the police” or its cousin “defund the police” to be intellectual statements. Did I miss something?

             1. Yes, the question of whether police should be abolished is an extremely interesting one. The problem is that many of today’s activists don’t actually know the arguments for and against.

   15. Interesting question. My husband and I have discussed this, and he says I’m not intellectual, though I am intelligent. For me, I have like zero desire to understand All The Things, to ponder Great Questions, etc. I love researching things I’m interested in (invariably history – our old house, genealogy, antiques, etc) and I think Big Picture. This Moment in History about my field (politics), but I just do not care about greater things. I like thinking about dinner and what’s on sale this week, etc – it is, I’m only somewhat ashamed to admit – easy and comfortable and not complicated, unlike my job.

       1. +1. I do complex strategic work and in my spare time I want to take a break.

   16. I would say I am an intellectual, to a degree, and that having a child has bumped that up significantly as there are SO many questions and as he gets older we try really hard to help him understand the interconnections between things. We tried to explain WW2, how it was related to WW1, and it literally turned into a 2 hour discussion of nationalism, the rise of socialism, the change in women’s roles at home/in the workforce, how that led to his grandparents generation being different than ours, etc. (we were on a long drive at the time, but still). I am VERY conscious of trying to name and explain things like race, gender vs. sex, religion vs. ethnic background, privilege, etc. and for the most part those are things that intersect and work in systemic (and institutionalized) ways.

   17. I would say yes, I’m really intellectually curious. I’ve never been so unhappy at work as when I was in a job where all the people around me were completely the opposite and I just had to listen to their Weight Watchers chat all day. I’m now in a job that rewards this – it’s at the intersection of two pretty specialised fields so there’s a ton of nuance and lateral thinking is highly encouraged.

   18. The word may becringe-worthy, but sure, I am an intellectual in the sense that I love learning for its own sake. I like connecting topics and concepts, and when I meet someone I often ask lots of questions about their work just out of curiosity.

       Based largely on this, I got a humanities PhD in my twenties, and overall I’d say it was a mistake. I didn’t understand at the time that the world is overflowing with brilliant people and great things to learn, and that you don’t have to be a professional academic to shape your life to that. In fact, only a small fraction of people ever get stable employment as professors, so it’s a pretty impractical life plan. I am now a health care provider and much happier. I feel my work is far more in line with my values than before. There’s still plenty of intellectual fodder both in my work life and outside of it.

       I have had side gigs as a fitness instructor off and on, and I will say there’s some truth to the stereotypes. My coworkers in these jobs were wonderful and talented people, and very insightful about fitness and the body, but they would never bring up books or current affairs. We connected on other things, and none of them became close friends.

   19. I enjoy learning about many different topics, but what I don’t enjoy are the debates that inevitably come with intellectual discussions. Like I find them so deeply unpleasant that it immediately puts me on edge and I clam up. I do not like discussing hypothetical situations; I am terrible at coming up with good parallel points when I’m out on the spot. My husband, who is more extroverted than I am, loves nothing more than a good debate/discussion. So I don’t know where that leaves me on the spectrum.

   20. I think most people are “intellectual” and it’s about picking the right topic. I have intellectual discussions with most of my friends mostly because I will ask a question or ask for their thoughts about a topic that does impact their life. I like having meaningful conversations in addition to the basic chit-chat. I usually pick a topic on which I am also genuinely interested in their thoughts and almost everyone will engage.

   21. I am highly intelligent but not enough of an intellectual that I need to sneer at my friends for being human beings.

       1. It’s fine to not be intellectual (as the OP very clearly pointed out), but you don’t need to be a jerk on an interesting, respectful thread.

   22. I used to like this a lot more than I do now. I’m usually so exhausted after thinking and deciding and strategizing all day that the last thing I want to do is to discuss Big Issues during happy hour. A (former-ish?) friend of mine always wanted to get deep into stuff. Dude, can we just talk about GBBO instead of why we think people like watching baking shows? The last straw was when a family member of mine passed away. Less than a week later, he asked me what lessons it taught me about my family and life- very clearly implying that I SHOULD learn something from it.

       I absolutely love reading about serious topics and learning and going to museums, but I don’t really want to TALK about it at length. Thinking about it more, I guess I’d say I’m intellectual on a personal level but not as much intellectual externally.

       1. +1 I totally get you. There’s a time and a place.

          I work in a male dominated field. I don’t really enjoy intellectual type conversations with most of my coworkers because they tend to turn into lectures from men, usually with far less knowledge and experience, deciding they need to teach me something.

   23. I wouldn’t be considered an intellectual in the way you are using the word, but I live a lot in head and think about my interests. I am an introvert. I just don’t think about traditionally “intellectual” things – my interests are generally fitness and food. I’m an avid surfer, cyclist, runner, swimmer, and also do weight training. I also cook, bake, can, and garden. And I also do metalworking (outdoor art/railings/etc). When my mind wonders, I think about these things. These are the things I talk about with my husband because he has similar interests. I deal with complicated legal issues all day and do a lot of reading of estoteric case law etc for work, and don’t want to continue that in my free time, either with reading or talking about such things. I strongly prefer doing something with my hands/being outside over reading or being in front of a screen. Exception is reading fluffy books at the beach/while sitting outside. I don’t really enjoy having deep conversations to be frank. I’m a patent litigator.

8. What is your best advice for managing up?

   Context: I am the lowest of the low in my organization, but due to the nature of my job I frequently interact with senior leadership. I expect this is due to pandemic fatigue – but it seems like pulling teeth lately to get what I need from them. Since we are deadline-driven, I cant give much grace on timing but want to be respectful of their competing demands while still getting what I need to do my job well.

   1. Implement a system that is predictive in nature. For example if you know you will need x by y date and they have a habit of being late, send a message — the same one every time 2 days before y date (if that is the right amount of time) reminding them that you need x by y date. If there are multiple things you need from the person, you can also send a weekly status report.
      Also — if they have an assistant, get to know that person and have them become part of your solution. Copy them on the reminders. Ask them about the best way to work with their boss — they likely know best (e.g. would colour coding help — like highlighting for urgent matters, etc.)

   2. Make friends with their assistants and book a meeting when you need them to review a document or do something for you.

   3. It is all about their admins. If you can explain to their assistant why you need them to pay attention to your email or need to speak, they’ll be able to help. In many cases they actually ask me to forward them the email so they can be sure to mention it when they speak to the exec.

      Another tactic is to ask if there’s anyone you can work with given their competing priorities – sometimes that gets you to a more accessible person.

   4. Important additional context – no admins/assistants and for each assignment, it has to be done by Designated Person.

   5. you need to make it as easy as possible for them to make the decision you need them to make: so, if it’s a memo you send with background and context, your email should say “the memo lays out XYZ; your options are A or B. I recommend B because of this reason but please let me know by DATE if you disagree.”

      obviously, context matters, but something like this might work for you. Additionally, if there’s patterns to be found in what you need from them and the decisions they make, it may be worth saying “every friday I need XYZ from you in order to move PROJECT forward; my plan is to send a reminder every Monday and every Thursday, but is there a better process you’d prefer?”

      Ask a manager has some additional tools, as does the Management Center.

      1. What she said!

         So much of managing up is about making it easy and comfortable for the leader to sign off on what you want. Key activities are:

         1. Provide clear, simple status updates on a regular basis. If you have weekly deliverables due, then you need to be updating weekly.
         2. Frame the asks as much as possible by making recommendations and, if it makes sense, offering alternatives.
         3. Understand the schedules, perspectives, and priorities of the leaders you’re working with, so you can be sure to align your requests and recommendations appropriately.

   6. If you have the chance, just ask them what works best for them. So people prefer to schedule a call to run through everything, others prefer a system where the subject line is “READ ME: RESPONSE DUE TODAY” or something equivalent for things they need to deal with immediate — the WFH equivalent of printing something out and putting it in a chair with a note that says “Deadline: Tomorrow.” If you are relatively new, it might also be helpful to discuss what you can do on your own, what they need to review first, and what you need their substantive input. There may be things that they just need to be kept in the loop on but an equivalent of I’m sending this out at the end of the day will do.

   7. I use what the military calls “BLUF:” Bottom line up front. If I need our director to sign something, I start the email with “Hi, Name- The attached (contract, agreement, form, memo, etc) needs to be signed by XX date (sometimes I bold the date. YMMV). It’s (a brief description of the document), and I’ve filled out everything I can. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns- I’m happy to set up a call to discuss if you’d like, as well. Sincerely, Sloan Sabbith”

      Keep it short, keep it simple, and make it very clear what needs to be done and when. Make it easy for them to do what needs to be done.

   8. What not to do: send long emails or documents explaining the background, nuances, options, your thoughts, the teams’ thoughts, and…buried at the bottom…your actual question. I have a subordinate who will write down everything she knows about an issue before getting to her question and her recommendation. Another will write long philosophical paragraphs about how the issue is symptomatic of a Bigger Issue that can’t really be solved by my organization, so at best we can treat the symptom, and what do I think? (no recommendation). I am working with both on written communication as a development area.

9. Any recs for favorite slip-on tall winter boots for serious cold and snow (upper Midwest)? Have been using a pair of lace up Merrell hiking boots with wool socks for ages, and they are a pain to tie and aren’t quite warm enough.

   Not entirely opposed to laces, but I want to be able to run to the mailbox without spending forever tying and untying yards of laces each time. Thanks!

   1. I have some LE ones that have visual lacing but a side zipper. I am sure they are an inspired copy of something else but I got them on sale. They have a faux fur lining and I bought for my tween and then I inherited when she outgrew and I love them. My first hand-me-up. I reordered a very similar pair for her for this year.

   2. I have a pair of Columbia boots that are super super warm and I can tie the laces loosely enough that they slip on. BUT they are really slippery on ice! So this is perhaps a bit of an anti-recommendation.

      1. Ha, my Merrells are the same! Great for mud and actual hiking but like furniture sliders on ice.

   3. Does Xtratuf fit the need?

      1. https://www.xtratuf.com/collections/women-type-mid-tall-boots/products/womens-15-in-insulated-legacy-boot-copper-tan

   4. I have Pajar Grip boots. They have laces in the front but actually slip on very easily. I’m in Chicago and they’re nice and warm.

      1. These look amazing and exactly like what I was imagining my dream boots to be. Thank you!

         1. They leave little maple leaf prints in the snow, too!

            1. This is the icing on the cake!

      2. + to Pajar — I have the ones that fasten with velcro across the front:) I found that this model fit small.

   5. Bogs tall boots are seriously warm, tall, and no laces!

      https://www.bogsfootwear.com/shop/style/72251-001.html

      1. I wanted to love these but they were SUCH A PAIN for me to get on. I felt like I was in a comedy sketch every time I tried to get them on.

   6. I love my Dublin River boots. They are kind of a knockoff of the much more expensive Dubarrys. Comfy, insulated, and easy to pull on, plus they look nice (to me). Also waterproof.

   7. I got the Columbia OmniHeat boots before I went to Iceland last year, and they were great for walking in Reykjavik- even when I was walking for quite a while. They’re zip-up, and I wore them with wool socks. Highly recommend! The exact ones I bought are Columbia Heavenly Slip II Omni-Heat Boot – Women’s.

   8. Shearling lined bean boots. They lace up but even with my tall arches I can jam my feet into them without messing with the laces.

      I also have a pair of joan of arcs that are better for serious snow (knee deep).

10. I’m struggling at my job and considering leaving after I get my bonus early next year…
    I work at an old school investment firm with a HF culture: we have no review or feedback or process, our “review” consists of going into our CIO’s office onc a year, he gives us our bonus number, and asks “any questions?” The idea is that our review is in our bonus #. The culture is really aggressive, eat what you kill, and non-collegial, the senior folks are not incentivized to help the junior folks rise up as it’s just more competition for themselves…it’s a very zero-sum environment. The fastest (and sometimes only) way to move up is to get a really senior and powerful person to like you and pound the table for you…
    I’ve been at the firm for 2 years, and I have been having conversations with some of the senior guys around promotions. Everywhere I turn, it feels like I’m hitting a brick wall: people tell me I’m doing a great job, but then throw hurdles in my way when I ask about promotions. The most frustrating convo was yesterday, when I literally felt my manager / one of the MDs gave me circular logic:
    “We don’t have a process or criteria for promotion and you’re right it’s not fair to you guys”
    Then in contradiction: “There’s no process for promotion…but we have criteria for you and you need to do XYZ”
    “You haven’t been able to XYZ because we haven’t given you the opportunity to work on those deals… so we can’t promote you this year but we’ll try to give you those opportunities next year.”
    Nevermind this other guy who got promoted this year without having done XYZ, because he had one of the partners supporting him…
    I’m feeling super dejected and the game seems rigged against me. There is also the issue that my firm only has 7 women investment professionals, out of hundreds, and only 1 female MD, out of ~60. Our in-house counsel told me in confidence that he felt our lack of diversity was a “massive catastrophe.”
    The way I feel is that my company is like a boyfriend who won’t marry me, but also won’t break up with me…and I don’t think I want to stay in this situation anymore.

    1. I think the answer is very clear- you don’t like the work environment and people who work there are straight up telling you that you will not be successful. Obviously you should job hunt. Do it now when you’re not desperate to leave and can be picky. I think you’ve posted about this a while back? If that was you, a couple months have now gone by with no progress.

    2. I would be job-hunting too!

    3. This firm doesn’t deserve your talents and effort. Find another one!

    4. Did you post earlier this year about male peers trying to convince you not to go for a promotion because it wasn’t “your year” or something like that? All the while they were trying to get themselves promoted on the same mixed amount of experience?

       Sounds like the year went exactly like we all thought, unfortunately.

       Time to start looking unless you personally have the stamina to try to uproot decades of nonsense.

       1. Yes! That is me. Wow, you have a great memory!
          I have been struggling with this for months. I poke to a woman who used to work here, and she said that one has to be really aggressive to succeed here – people get promoted by threatening to leave and promotions are often “freebies” they give to people to avoid paying them more. The general sentiment is people are always trying to screw each other here so you have to be loud and play the game to not let it happen to you.

          1. How much more time do you want to waste?

             1. You’re totally right.
                Here’s another crazy thing…I reached out to a few headhunters with an updated CV. Turns out, my firm has gotten a few major headhunters in the industry to not do searches for us unless we can produce a letter form HR. A de-facto non-compete…so any job hunting will be more prolonged as I’ll need to take into my own hands and head hunt for myself.

             2. There’s no such thing as a de facto non-compete. It’s not valid without your consent.

                Talk to a lawyer.

             3. Not gonna do her much good to talk to a lawyer if the recruiting firms won’t touch her. She doesn’t mean an actual non-compete.

          2. Start looking. You are not happy. They are clearly not invested in keeping you or would at least be helping you find opportunities to groom you for advancement. They will be happy to take your labor as long as you will give it, though.

             If you have detailed documentation about the different standards for men and women, you may want to consider talking to an employment lawyer as well, though that’s a big step that not everyone feels compelled to take. (And you probably would not want to stay there anyway.)

    5. Start looking now — it’s going to take some time. If you get a great offer before you get your bonus then you can decide if its worth taking the offer. Start keeping a journal every day of what you love and hate about your current job and use that if you have to make a decision before you get your offer. Depending on the offer, they may compensate with a signing bonus, but don’t count on that. Don’t let a one time bonus become an anchor around your neck if the right job comes your way.

    6. There’s a huge red flag here: wildly subjective criteria and a tiny number of women. That’s a cover for discrimination. Since there are no objective criteria for getting a promotion, there’s no basis upon which to sue if you don’t get a promotion (at least, you will always lose in court). The company can make something up and it will be legitimate, since it won’t contradict any of their written criteria or policies.

       You also see this with HR policies. “If you report discrimination, HR will investigate.” Okay, what does that investigation look like? What are the steps if you don’t agree with the results? What happens pending investigation? What criteria are used to determine if there is discrimination, or even if it is not discrimination based on a protected class, the behaviour is inappropriate? If the answer is “I dunno, the handbook doesn’t say,” then the answer is **whatever the hell the company wants.**

       1. I wouldn’t even waste time on this. Just pour all your energy into job searching.

          1. Waste time with what? I did not suggest that she stay there; I explained why she ought to leave (the company has deliberately created a culture that enables unaccountable discrimination).

    7. I work in the industry and there is a surprising amount of hiring right now. And there is a focus on bettering diversity so many firms will at least have more formal policies and are actively looking to recruit female investment professionals
       I would recommend for checking out 100 Women in Finance to build up a peer network outside your firm. I think HF Alert also has a pretty thorough list of recruiters by specialty

       1. Thank you so much!! Yes, I have heard also that women investors are a hot item right now. Just not at where I am lol. I will definitely look into this. This is much appreciated!

11. Christmas gift ideas for in-laws who you’re not especially close with? Willing to spend up to $150. My husband is hopeless to come up with any ideas.

    1. Food or alcohol with food. We are in the exact same position, and I usually go with a wine of the month, fruit of the month, etc. type subscription for a few months. I cannot think of any item I’d buy that would be appreciated because our tastes and interests are so so so so different.

    2. A few months of a subscription box that the both of them can enjoy (coffee, international snacks, etc).

    3. +1 to subscription boxes. Get a 3 or 6 month subscription to something they tangentially enjoy, then if they like just 1 item it’s still a win.

       Some suggestions if you can’t think of a specific interest – GlobeIn or other fair trade boxes, Book of the Month or other pick-your-own book box, Breo or something gadget related, BarkBox if they have a pet, UnBoxBoardom or something puzzle or game related.

    4. William Sonoma has a TON of holiday food gifts this time of year. I’d start there, or if you know they miss something from where they grew up/like a specific type of local delicacy maybe check out Goldbelly.

12. Thanks to the posters who recommended “Signature by Levi Strauss & Co. Gold Label Women’s Totally Shaping Pull-on Skinny Jeans” on Amazon. I’ve bought 3 pairs now! Super comfy yet a step up from leggings for WFH. They also look great!

    1. I liked these too, but they’re a little tight in the calves. Has anyone tried the bootcut version? The skinny ones are the “perfect jeans for everyone” judging by the reception here and on Amazon, but not sure if the bootcuts have the same magical properties.

       1. Is there a pull-on bootcut version? Do you have a link? I haven’t found them (but love the skinnies – just would be nice to have another option).

          1. I thought there was, but I don’t see them on Amazon now. However, searching on Amazon is a messy nightmare that I refuse to engage in so it’s possible I just missed them…

       2. I have tried bootcut, and I like the skinny version better. Bootcut fit very different. There is less room in the rear, the waistband is lower, and it just isn’t as flattering on my hourglass figure. They definitely create muffin top.

       3. I have the opposite problem! My calves are baggy but I’m pear shaped and they’re right around the hips

    2. I might have been that poster. They’re basically all I wear now. I’m glad they work for you!!

13. I was friends with a man, strictly platonic on my side, for ages. Overlapping friend groups, if we had partners everyone knew. He has a pretty bad temper and sometimes we’d get into awful yelling fights and eventually, sometimes months later, make up. The last time we fought was in the middle of the street in Barcelona, we were both living there, me as an ex-pat, he as an EU citizen. I told him I’d had enough of his yelling and I wasn’t going to take it anymore, walked away, then he followed, begged, promised he would behave. I agreed and it was fine. We drifted apart as we once again lived in different countries. Recently, we arranged to have a phone chat. When the time came, he lost his mind on me, yelling and swearing because I didn’t want to video chat, talking wasn’t good enough. I didn’t engage, said “I’m going to hang up. Good-bye,” and hung up.

    Have any of you ever had this type of relationship with a friend? What did you fight about? I’ve thought about it but absolutely cannot recall what any of our fights were about.

    1. No, this sounds like someone I would have started avoiding immediately after the first fight. Is he a Real Housewife?

       1. Hahaha I already commented below, but your comment cracked me up

    2. What? Why are you still friends with this person?

    3. He sounds very toxic and childish. It’s not normal to have friends you fight with left and right. I would cut contact and block him, permanently. He isn’t worth spending your effort on because he has shown you time and again who he is-someone incapable of treating you with respect and kindness instead of aggression and anger.

    4. No I don’t have this type of relationship with anyone. If someone treats me like this, then I am not friends with them. I don’t know why you’d ever speak to this man again.

    5. Totally not okay. No friends like this.

    6. I guess I did? But our fights were about substantive things, like the value of Inbox Zero and search vs sort. We would drink way too much and argue to the point of yelling in bars about these things. It was pretty ridiculous. We never fought about stuff like what you describe, and we always left things in a good natured way at the end of the night.

       1. This sounds normal to me (fights about things), but fights about the friendship itself? That sounds stressful and bad to me.

          1. Yelling in bars kinds of fights aren’t normal.

             1. Isn’t this what bars are for? Maybe this is cultural.

             2. Yikes, no, that is not my experience at bars with friends, even in my hard-drinking 20s.

             3. Yelling in bars? Are we Trumpers or something? The only yelling in bars is at the TV screen when one’s team is winning or losing, and that’s good-natured. Anything beyond that is … off.

          2. I’ve never had a yelling fight with my friends as an adult. It kind of seems like the friend may have some issues? It’s just not a thing adults do!

       2. I’m an Inbox Zero fan myself, but … to fight about it? Seriously? That’s not substantive. That’s just personal preference.

          1. I can totally see getting drunk and involved in a good natured argument over inbox zero (yes), or the oxford comma (yes), or the one true pen with a friend (G2). The non-sports equivalent of arguing with a Yankees fan.

    7. I have a female friend like this. We’ve known each other for over 30 years (met in middle school) so I tend to let her outbursts roll off my back as if she’s a crazy cousin. She loves to argue. She thrives on it. I stopped counting the amount of times she’s stormed out of restaurants or hung up on me for no reason. Most recently, via Zoom, she was livid that the Zoom link was texted to her and not emailed. She was using her laptop to Zoom and not her phone so “why in the world would you send a Zoom link to my phone if you wanted to use cameras!?”. It’s laughable. She is who she is. I limit my interactions with her now to 3 or 4 times a year. She’s not always like this and does have redeeming qualities. But gosh, she loves to fight about nothing.

    8. I’ve had a male friend like this. Although not as strictly platonic all the time, he was an ex boyfriend from college and at times we’d to the FWB thing when we were both single; but similar to your situation, he’d run hot and cold on me for years until I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Like, I know friendships ebb and flow, but this guy would block me on AIM, then come back apologizing for being a jerk 6 months later and wanting to be friends again, only to storm off over some other tiny thing later. These weren’t even fights, just him getting mad out of the blue or souring on me and going dark, often with zero explanation, and I was left wondering what I’d done wrong this time.

       I decided I’d had enough about four years ago. I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a couple months, and realized he’d unfriended me on FB. When he did message me I asked him about it and he was like “oh yeah, it doesn’t seem appropriate to be friends now that I’m engaged.” Fine dude, but you could’ve told me that weeks ago, I would’ve understood. At that point I told him we should stay not-friends, because I was sick of this yo-yo crap he was pulling. He did text me maybe 6-12 months later, trying to apologize, as always, and I ignored him. Felt good, man.

       Honestly? Ask yourself what value this friendship is adding to your life, and whether that value outweighs the bad feels he’s causing – it probably doesn’t. I’d seriously consider ditching him.

    9. Why on earth are you friends with this person? He sounds like a total toxic assh*le and you don’t mention actually liking anything about him.

    10. To me, someone like this would be a former friend. In a real friendship, you don’t need to put up with this kind of BS.

    11. I had a male friend like this. I think there was some underlying sexual tension that created this not-awesome dynamic. We were either BFFs who told each other everything or we were fighting over nothing and then we wouldn’t speak for months. I stuck with the friendship for so long because we clicked on so many levels. It was very painful to finally let it go.

    12. This is wildly abusive and hopefully not a pattern you set for yourself in romantic relationships, too. There’s no one I would put up with this behavior from. So unless you’re secretly getting off on it, you should do some reflection on why you think you deserve to be treated like this.

    13. Agree with the others, I would not entertain an abusive “friendship” like this.

    14. This is insane. No, I don’t have friends who yell and swear at me.

    15. I had a male friend like this in my freshman and sophomore years of college (add in unresolved feelings for one another, a ton of immaturity on both sides, and a lot of undeserved self-righteousness on mine). I am so glad that friendship is YEARS in the past. As an adult, absolutely not!

    16. Why on Earth are you continuing to entertain any sort of contact with this person? What on Earth could you possibly be fighting in the street about? Do you like this sort of drama? Are you secretly in love with him? There has to be something more here.

    17. No, I’m not friends with people like that and you shouldn’t be either.

    18. LOL not going to lie I am very casual friends with some people like this because I find people like that fascinating. I’m super chill so I get along with these kind of people because we balance each other out. I’ve never cared about anything in my life as much as some people will care about some minor grievance like not wanting to video chat. If you’re a normal person I think you have to keep these friendships at arm’s length, step back when they get crazy, and just hang out randomly when they’re in a good place. But no it’s not normal whatsover. I don’t fight with any of my close friends ever.

    19. I think some of this is cultural. Americans are big on no-drama but sometimes in Europe, drinking in the pub, having loud and confrontative discussions/arguments are all in a day’s work (and friendship), especially for men. Any Italians or Irish care to agree with me (or not)?

    20. I had friends in college who were like this. It turned out that they were drug addicts. I was terribly naive and didn’t know any of the signs.

    21. This is the time for DTMFA but in friend form. He is not a good person; he is not a good friend. He sounds abusive as a friend- imagine how he is with his partners. Write this dude off and move on. So much less stressful for you. Block him, forget him- your life will be a million times better. Any good parts do not make up for this absolutely horrific behavior.

14. I really want to relive my teenage years with a pair of Dr Martens. I want the original boots — how is the sizing? I normally wear a 7.5 but they don’t come in half sizes.

    1. Yay! I am typically a 9.5 and a 9 fits me.

    2. Can you help me? I need to buy these as a gift for my teen daughter and I don’t know which are the original style. There are so many.

       1. She wants the 1490s.

          1. Thank you!

15. Shop for me! I recently moved to a new apartment and can’t decide what to put on the wall of my bedroom. The bed is pushed up against the wall in a corner, and I have the wall space (with a high ceiling) that is only a few feet longer than my queen bed. Wall is beige/eggshell, curtains to the 1 window are pink. I was thinking perhaps a metal wall art floral piece? I want something large to cover the wall but airy and light to not make it seem even smaller, so probably not a framed piece(s).

    1. I DIYd a fabric wall hanging – a beautiful piece of fabric, mounted on dowels, and hung with a leather cord. And it looked really nice. I always think fabric wall hangings look really lush in the bedroom.

       1. Ohhh that sounds lovely! What a great idea. I’ll definitely consider this.

          1. ETSY has some great options.

    2. You must not live in California. The thought of hanging something above my bed is terrifying! Even without earthquakes, it seems like a bad idea…

       1. +1
          But I also live in California.

       2. Same. I’d say paper like an assortment of photos or a fabric wall hanging.

    3. This is an atypical recommendation for what to do with wall space, but I hung a string light curtain behind my bed. It makes my room much nicer. I bought the curtain for a party to hang in front of my sliding glass door and loved them so much I kept them up. When I moved to a new apartment, I didn’t have a great place to put them, so I put them behind my bed and didn’t look back.

    4. What about a wall decal? I have a large lotus flower decal from Etsy centered on a bedroom wall. I always get compliments on it in my zoom meetings.

16. Has anyone else worked in BigLaw where there was a SCT practice? I did and now that I’m elsewhere (geographic move), I get that they are all Very Special Lawyers. Like huge signing bonuses. Basically expected to be there 2 years and then go teach. I sat next to them (randomly) and down the hall from the leader and I don’t think they even said hi in the hallway. Like one popped in to borrow a statute book of mine for a case, but would not discuss it at all (like if I did FERC work and they were litigating something re FERC, they’d never discuss it with anyone who practiced in that area). And that they often work for free (and compete against other BigLaw firms to do free work on Very Important Cases). I guess that must make some sense for the overall firm business, but I can remember one guy just having sneering disdain for we who were mere lawyers (dude, we are on the same team).

    1. Ok? What’s the point of this? One group of lawyers in your BigLaw firm was stuck up and rude. And?

    2. The fact that I don’t know what SCT means suggests that my firm did not have such a practice.

       1. +1 haha

    3. I have to believe SCT here is supposed to mean a Supreme Court/Appellate practice. My firm has one, and the head of the group is probably the nicest guy at the firm. I think you just worked with a bunch of d!cks.

    4. Never worked at a firm, but a friend’s husband did this after clerking for SCOTUS (Ivy LS, Ivy undergrad). I met him once at a mutual friend’s wedding. I’m a lawyer in a public interest practice and we had a nice chat, talked shop a bit, did some shots, moved on. He and his wife are super, super rich (family money on both sides), and they are not at all stuck up. I would not have assumed all lawyers who do this are like what you describe from my experience.

    5. The older I get, the less patience I have for snobs. But for whatever reason, I seem to get the nastiest run-ins with fellow parents who don’t realize that I, too, am a gentrifying professional. There are a lot of things I miss in the pandemic, but I do not miss in-person PTA anything.

       I’ve only met a few folks that work in that space, and they were all quite pleasant, though one was painfully shy and I was happy to talk to their spouse instead (it was a semi-social event).

       1. As an appellate lawyer (I have filed SCOTUS cert petitions before, but have not had any granted so definitely not a SCOTUS lawyer), I can say that many appellate lawyers are shy and awkward. It’s why I like researching and writing more than trial work I think.

          1. +1,000. I transitioned from being a trial associate to an insurance coverage & appellate associate — being able to now spend 90% of my time on researching & writing as opposed to splitting that time with arguing about auto accidents, doing the revolving door of paperwork that is lower state court trials, etc., etc., etc., has made my introverted heart sing.

    6. I have run into two firms like that, but others have had SCT groups who been cooperative when we have been working in coordination.

17. My husband asked for “fancy man shampoo” for Christmas. He has very short, thinning hair. I’m at a loss. Any suggestions?

    1. Maybe Jack Black? I know the brand makes skin care, but not sure about hair products.

       1. My husband loves his Jack Black shampoo. They have one for thinning hair I believe that he uses.

    2. I really like r and co (on amazon). As an addon Anthony makes some nice products.

    3. It’s not strictly “man” shampoo, but he might enjoy Aesop’s shampoo. It has a woodsy/mint-y smell, which he may like.
       https://www.aesop.com/us/p/hair/hair-cleanse/classic-shampoo/

    4. My fancy man husband likes everything from Baxter California. Aesop also sounds like a great option!

    5. The hipster fancy man shop where I live carry:

       Truefitt and Hill (UK)
       Jack Black (US)
       Baxter of California (US)
       Depot – the Male Tools and Co (Italy)
       Bulk Homme (Japan)
       Ursa Major (US)

       Apart from the last one, which looks a little clinical, they are all fancy looking, but also are geared towards men and men’s hair. Truefitt & Hill has a thickening one.

       1. Should have added: but I would not buy a thickening shampoo (unless that’s a specific wish) – that’s a bit like getting wrincle cream or a push up bra.

    6. I’d get him started on nioxin if that won’t piss him off and throw in some Aesop hair products to make it bougie.

    7. Forgetting the thinning hair thing, or assuming you don’t want to address that aspect, my husband really loves the Living Proof/Jennifer Aniston line. I think it looks manly enough in the plain gray bottles. We don’t buy it all the time but if I get a sample he claims it immediately.

    8. Aveda has a men’s shampoo set for hair retention.

    9. My husband like Aveda Rosemary Mint shampoo and conditioner. I think it is gender neutral enough, depending on the man. Ymmv, my husband has long, very thick hair.

18. My fav sweatshirt (middle school – 20 years of worn perfection) finally bit the dust. Help me find my perfect sweatshirt!
    -crewneck, not hoodie
    -soft
    -long sleeve
    -prefer faded blue or green (not black or a primary color, not gray)
    -washes well
    -under $50
    -available to buy online

    1. Pact Essential Sweatshirt! 100% cotton, mid weight, comes in a pretty blue/green and is on sale for $34 right now. I’ve had mine for a year and it’s held up very well.

       1. Not OP, but I’ve never heard of this brand. How is their quality? The undies look like just what I want — simple cotton, come in black.

          1. Good quality basics, mostly (all?) organic. I’ve bought undies, a pair of lounge pants and a t shirt from them as well and they’re all comfy and have held up well.

             1. Thank you!

    2. Oh man, I’m sorry about the loss of your sweatshirt! My favorite is from high school and I’ll be sad to see it go.

       1. My favorite is a hoodie from a coffee shop in my college town – but I bought it in high school when I visited my sister there! Maybe this is the year I finally replace it …

    3. Athleta Sundown sweatshirt in teal, although it’s currently only in a few sizes.

19. Any recommendation for a virtual escape room company? I am tasked with organizing a virtual escape room for our 20-person team. All are located on the east coast and have been WFH since March. Biglaw so budget is no concern (or so I was told). No other preference (so long as the room/clues are work-friendly so not racy or violent). Thanks much!!

    1. Puzzle Break, hackfiltration! My team did this in October for employee appreciation week. It was really fun, they created it especially for a virtual experience. They’ll split up your group into smaller teams that compete against each other.

       1. +1 – we used Puzzle Break at work for a Zoom game night and did the “Grimm Escape” game. Highly recommended.

    2. We did one from The Escape Game this summer and had a great time. Very nicely tailored to the virtual experience.

20. Looking for a quarantine-friendly gift idea for my mother in Houston. I’d love to gift an experience, maybe a wine tasting or similar event? Does anyone have any ideas of any local businesses that I should reach out to? TIA!

    1. I don’t think a wine tasting is quarantine-friendly right now. Why not gift something special for summer 2021 or fall 2021? The anticipation of the experience will be fun for your mom and you can do something better/safer then.

       1. I think she means virtual wine tasting. I’ve done several during quarantine through our country club, and our team is doing a virtual wine/cheese pairing tasting for our “holiday party”. They ship you the wine and you drink it together over zoom and discuss them. It’s actually super fun, and no worry about having to drive home afterwards!

          1. Oh, gotcha. That actually sounds pretty fun.

             1. I just DIYed a zoom wine tasting and it was super fun and worked well.

    2. Check out Rainbow Lodge. They do weekly wine tastings. December is all champagne.

       1. +1 to Rainbow Lodge pairings. A friend tried them during quarantine and really enjoyed them – so much so that she texted me pix and “notes.” It was a really fun way to stay in touch and the pairings look amazing.

       2. Thanks, this is perfect and exactly what I was looking for!

    3. Maybe a subscription or gift card to a wine delivery service? You might even be able to find a company that does at-home wine tasting kits. Or maybe a gift card to a nice restaurant that’s doing delivery right now, so she can get a nice meal without having to go out.

    4. Central Market’s cooking school has live classes. Socially distanced with masks. Take a look at centralmarket dot com and you’ll see the tab for the cooking school.

    5. Someone here pointed me to the British bakeoff podcast when we were discussing podcasts. They also offer online baking classes led by former contestants. They are in the UK but the US seems to be a very strong market for them, so they offer classes that work for US time zones. They are called bake with a legend.

21. Oh wise ladies of good taste- yet another window treatment question. I would like to replace the Roman Shades in my kids’ room with something more light filtering. I had originally thought to get top down/ bottoms up cordless cellular shades, with room darkening curtains. But the window is too shallow to allow for inside mount. So…
    – I feel like cellular shades might look weird as an outside mount in a bedroom? Yea/ nay?
    – I’m which case- thoughts for other light filtering options that are cordless and top down/ bottom up?
    – and can I still layer room darkening curtains over that? In my mind it would look bulky. They would be mid length curtains, not to the floor length.

    1. We had outside mount blackout cellular shades in my kid’s bedroom in our last house. It didn’t look weird? Not sure what about it would be? We did it to try to block as much light on the sides as possible.

    2. It looks like top down/bottom up roman shades are available, although they might not let as much light in as cellular shades. I think roman shades look better as an outside mount than cellular shades would. And curtains with roman shades is a nice look in my mind, depending on the fabric and style, of course.

22. This week is going to require so so much patience. My MIL absolutely insisted that we haul our three kids and two dogs up to her remote hometown for Thanksgiving for a full week visit. There were absolute hysterics over her being alone for the winter and not wanting to spend the holidays alone and how she’ll probably die before next thanksgiving so she has to see us (she’s in perfectly good health but is in her late 70s).

    Our kids are in school and while we’re taking as many covid precautions as we can, we felt that in person learning was important and not something we’d sacrifice unless absolutely necessary. We had so many conversations with her about CDC recommendations for not traveling, the fact that our risk of exposure is much higher than hers because of our school aged child, etc. She would not hear it and insisted we come. We quarantined for one week, got covid tests before driving, and arrived early yesterday morning…. only to have her tell us that she’s not comfortable being indoors with us and that if we’re together we need to be wearing masks.

    So now I’m in bumbleff USA with an infant, a 2 year old and a 5 year old for the next 4 days where the forecast is low 30’s and rain for 75% of the time. I’ve had to tell my kids to put their masks on approximately twelve thousand times and I didn’t even want to be here in the first place.

    Permission to leave at 4pm the moment thanksgiving lunch is over?

    1. Granted. And your husband needs to take point on this, period.

    2. It sounds like you’ve already made your decision, but for next time, you don’t need permission to make the choice that’s best for your family. Your mother’s emotions are her own to manage. You can leave RIGHT NOW if you want to. You are not her prisoner.

    3. the fuck? leave now and stop letting yourself be bullied.

       1. +1000. Assume some agency here.

          1. These responses are so strange. You are already there, and she is family. Everyone is confused about what the right thing is at this point in time. Please make the best of it! She is on her late 70’s and it is a valid concern that this may be her last thanksgiving. I am sure she was conflicted about you guys coming, and the messaging in the news over the past week has been so strong on not celebrating thanksgiving with people outside your household. She is trying to balance wanting company, and to spend time with her family, and to fight loneliness with being cautious! Have some compassion! She is family.

             1. It is not a valid concern. Look up the conditional life expectancy is for 70-year-old. They still have like 15 years left for the most part. Everyone who keeps licking their relatives are going to drop dead, really shouldn’t get together with them anyway in that case!

             2. @ Anon at 2:24, you must know some abnormally long-living people. I only have 1 surviving grandparent and she is the only one who made it to her 80s. I just googled it and the average life expectancy in the US is 78.

                I know this doesn’t answer the OP’s moral dilemma, which is a gray area. I am sorry you found yourself in this situation, OP. I have lots of thoughts, but don’t see much benefit to adding them here.

             3. 78 is the average, but life expectancy for someone who is already in their late 70s is actually older.

             4. As an actuary I am bummed to have missed this fundamental misunderstanding of mortality tables. The average life expectancy you mention is at birth, and includes lots of lives lost in infancy, childhood, and adulthood.

                So if you make it to 70, you have already beat some odds. You can expect to live well beyond 78 because many lives already lost have contributed to that overall life expectancy.

                The remaining life expectancy at 70 of around 15 years for a woman is not far off. This is very different than life expectancy at birth.

       2. Yes, bundle those kids in the car and leave.

          “I think you’re right about not being indoors together but that was not the deal and only being outside is not going to work for us. We’ll Zoom you on Thanksgiving. ‘Bye!”

    4. Get in the car and go home. She doesn’t have a gun to your head.

       1. Yes this. “No we aren’t doing this. My 5 year old and2 year old are not wearing masks. This is manipulative and wrong and we are leaving.” And then leave.

          1. No. Don’t decline to wear masks. Decline to be indoors with her though. You made a mistake in going. Don’t expose any of you further & go home.

    5. Leave now.

    6. Tell your husband to deal with her!!

    7. I’m assuming there’s more to this story, but if not, I would leave right now (I mean I wouldn’t have gone in the first place but). If your MIL isn’t comfortable being indoors with you, I don’t really see a reason for you to be there at all.

       1. Possibly they live on a warm climate where they can be together outdoors?

          1. She says in the post it’s in the 30s.

          2. The OP said that the temperature will be in the 30s.

    8. I can’t understand this at all. Leave. Don’t torture your kids with two more days of masking indoors to keep grandma happy. Have turkey dinner today and leave tomorrow morning.

       Sometimes being an adult means other adults will be unhappy, even very unhappy with your choices.

       1. It’s not torturing your kids to have them wear a mask indoors. Plenty of kids do it all day at school and daycare.

    9. It’s not too late to have heard a few coughs from one of your kids. In which case, the only responsible thing to do would be to immediately head home to isolate.

       1. *snort* +1 to this

    10. At a minimum I think you can stay in a motel for the rest of the week. You need a break!

    11. Why the heck did you guys cave to this ridiculous demand? I’m sure there’s a reason but this sounds hideous.

        1. I’m starting to think this post is fake. Definitely caught my attention though…

           1. I think it’s totally real based on other posters’ comments on here. People, use your words and set boundaries!!!

           2. Eye rolls at this. There’s nothing remotely fake sounding about this post.

              1. The “hey I’m doing this objectively terrible thing and will outline how it’s terrible but there’s nothing I can do despite being a grown adult” part sounded fake to me. It’s probably ultimately not but I did get a vibe.

    12. The fudge? She insisted you come, despite you pushing back because it’s not safe, but you took all possible precautions anyway because she put up a big ol’ stank, and now you’re there and she’s like “this isn’t safe, please wear masks”? That’s insane. Yes, leave the second the meal is over! Or better yet, leave now. And also, since she’s your husband’s mother, he should be the one managing this issue, not you.

    13. I would suggest having lunch tomorrow instead and booking it out of there ASAP!

    14. Agree with all the other responses. Also, for future reference, just because someone insists on something doesn’t mean you have to do it. Especially when you have major health organizations as back up. I don’t mean this to sound condescending, but reading your post you use the word “insisted” a couple of times and imply that is why you had to go – but you don’t have to. I only bring this up b/c I think sometimes we all need permission to stand up for ourselves.

    15. Permission granted. My in-laws want us to wear N95 masks the whole time whenever we see them, always outside . No, regular surgical masks will not do.

        1. That’s not that unreasonable. Very cautious? Sure. But not unreasonable.

           1. Really? That sounds unreasonable to me.

           2. It’s within reason. I don’t think it’s overkill, thought I believe the N95s protect the wearer more than others.

              1. Yes, N95s protect the wearer the best of anything. It’s smart to wear them if you can get them, especially if you’re high-risk. Even outdoor visits with family can result in unintended close contact. I’ve seen it myself.

              2. I find it unreasonable. I also don’t think it’s doing any good. Even assuming that my husband and I have properly-fitting N95 masks to wear (which is a big assumption), I doubt making the kids wear N95s is doing much at all.

        2. I actually think that’s perfectly fine. What’s unreasonable is demanding someone come visit and only springing a requirement like this on them when they’ve arrived.

    16. You’re not happy. Leave. I don’t know why you went in the first place.

    17. Are you staying in a hotel? Or is this some crazy setup where you can all de-mask in your bedroom but have to be outside or masked everywhere else? What about meals? This seems very, very impractical.

        This is 100% for your husband to handle. I think you and your husband figure out a plan but that plan ends with you and the kids being somewhere where you don’t have to be masked from wakeup to bed.

    18. Go stay at an airbnb or hotel. I’m assuming you are all staying with her which is causing the issue.
        Let your kids roam free indoors at your airbnb for the next couple of days without a mask. Go meet her for a thanksgiving meal for a couple of hours in her backyard. Since you will be eating, your kids don’t need to wear masks the whole time.
        Spend the rest of your time in the town sightseeing! Go on some hikes. Look at Tripadvisor to see what are the top parks there, or find some playgrounds where your kids can tumble around. Have them collect some leaves or make a game of it. If your mother in law is lonely, send your husband there to spend a couple of hours indoors with her (masked). Treat it like a getaway for a day or two and then leave.

    19. My MIL can insist all she wants, that doesn’t mean she gets it…

        You should check out drbeckathome on instagram.

    20. Yes, and next time just say NO to begin with.

23. Do the J. Crew Cameron pants bag out during the day? It seems like every pair of pants you can buy now bags out during the day.

    1. Nope. There’s a bit of give, but you can wear them multiple times before washing and they look acceptable.

       1. Are they true to size? What’s the fit like? Thanks!

          1. I’m a pear with thick thighs but a flat behind, and I went up a size from my usual pear size. E.g., 10 on top, 12 on bottom in many pants, 14s in Camerons.

             1. Do the J. Crew Factory Ruby pants fit you the same as the Camerons?

             2. Never tried them. The Camerons generally go on pretty good sale.

24. Do you use Azure or Power Platform for your job? I’m wondering how prevalent these are.

    1. Microsoft Azure? Pretty prevalent, when there are issues, my whole state government’s systems lose functionality. I would guess most people who are using them somehow wouldn’t even know.

    2. Azure is the Microsoft Cloud. It is extremely “prevalent” as most large organizations, public and private, are moving systems to the cloud.

    3. AWS is still a lot more heavily used, but I think that for orgs that are really committed to Microsoft (which is a lot of big corporations!), Azure is quite popular.

25. I’m 30 and going white. I have been since about age 22 but I haven’t confronted it before (I don’t look at mirrors much). I have long hair that I do think flatters me more than short hair and on zoom/webex/google calls you can really see the extent of the white. For a while I was just refusing to use video and now work is insisting so I look at the massive number of long white hairs every day. What are my options? There isn’t enough to dye it black, I know not to pluck out the hairs etc. I just find it very distracting and a huge blow to my self confidence.

    1. Not to be condescending, but I notice a lot of women in your age group freak out and say “I’m SO GRAY!!!” when they have like 3 white hairs on your head. This is really stupid, and they will realize this in the coming years. Just pluck the ones that are really noticeable.

    2. So the obvious answer is go to the hair salon and dye you hair. It doesn’t need to be dyed black if that’s not your natural color.

    3. Oh my gosh, embrace it! If it’s actually white, it can be SO gorgeous! My great-grandfather and his sister went white in their 20s and it was just so pretty.

       1. +1. Those are free natural highlights. Gray is on trend, and white is even luckier. I know it can be a stretch, but it can be freeing to embrace the gray/white.

    4. Why are the only two options leave it natural or die your hair black? Unless you’re natural hair color is black, I wouldn’t die it black anyways. Even so, my mom’s naturally black hair was heavily salt-and-pepper by the time I was a child, and she ended up using a dark brown dye and it looked great. She gradually went lighter on the dye in the last few years as more of her hair went white, and since quarantine she decided to embrace the grey (but she’s in her 60s now so a very different situation. If you’re so unhappy that you’re avoiding mirrors and video calls, it’s absolutely worth giving dying it a try.

    5. Others will advise you on covering it up. I personally just started following lots of glamorous women with natural hair on Instagram, and moisturizing extra to avoid frizz. Just as with nylons and high heels, there’s a growing contingent of women opting out of the old ideal on this.

    6. If it is more or less evenly distributed I would embrace it. I *love* that look!

    7. I’m 34 my greys really pop on video. And there are a hell of a lot more of them nowadays!

       You have a ton of options, requiring various levels of investment and upkeep. If you’re comfortable going in, I’d talk to a hairstylist, maybe one that your friends recommend. They can talk you through options – silver, blond, highlights, etc., and what kind of investment those require If you google “silver hair inspo” or “white hair inspo” you get a sense of how that route might look.

       If you’re in a hotspot or salons are closed, you could try Overtone – it’s a color-depositing conditioner. They have options for silver, gray and white.

       1. I think this look is really beautiful: https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/BmS6BJehHLT-png__700.jpg

          1. I love that hair.

    8. I don’t understand what you mean there isn’t enough to dye it black…of course there is, you just dye all of it to be one uniform color. Or dye it any color you want – if the white is evenly distributed more or less – or in a cool pattern, they grey will take the dye lighter and look like purposeful hilights.

    9. There’s a singer Marina Diamandis that I’ve been a fan of for many years who is 35, graying from dark hair, and has recently stopped dying it. Her instagram might provide some inspiration–I think she looks great, and has some really flattering hair styles.

    10. Use some sort of smoothing product that makes your gray/white hairs lay down with the rest of your hair – in my case, it was always the fact that they stuck out that bothered me – and get on with your day. No one is noticing them as much as you do, I promise. And black hair dye is a huge time and expense commitment.

    11. Turn off the picture of your video so other people see you but you don’t have to stare at yourself.

26. Paging the poster who asked about Cuddl Duds on the afternoon thread yesterday – I recently ordered 2 long-sleeve tops and 2 pairs of leggings from Macy’s. One top was great – I’m an hourglass and it fit well. The other top was made wrong – one sleeve was like 5 inches longer than the other! The leggings fit very poorly. I’m usually a borderline L/XL, so I ordered one of each, and they were both super baggy below the knee – even the L. I would not recommend them, honestly.

27. Are your local wineries/breweries/distilleries doing virtual tastings? My favorite wine shop is doing this, but you have to buy the entire bottles and I’m not down open 3 or 4 bottles of wine at once. Maybe a store can’t repackage wine but it seems like the winery itself should be able to package and sell their wine however they want? None of them seem to be doing it, sadly, in my area. I’m wondering if this is a thing anywhere else?

    1. I tried to find something like this for a while, until I gave up and just DIYed this. I bought 5 wines, and pulled together all my empty jam jars (although I just found new-to-me pudding desserts in the yoghurt aisle, and they come in the perfect size, adorable mini jars). I portioned out some wine from every bottle and dropped it off at three local friends, together with a sheet for tasting notes that I got from the internet. We met on zoom and discussed the smell and taste and how wine #2 was awful after #1, but tasted much more palatable in a different sequence. I also made them guess prices. It was quite awesome.

       1. In hindsight, 3 or 4 wines would have been sufficient (I hadn’t had dinner before, lol). I might also look for some kind of neutral breadsticks or suitable palate cleanser snack to go along with it. But I highly recommend.

       2. My cousin did something similar with a DIY whiskey advent calendar. They got a bunch of little bottles on Amazon, had people bring bottles of whatever they wanted to share, then portioned it out in little bottles so (I assume) everyone came away with 25 little bottles of different whiskeys to try each day leading up to Christmas. I’m totally doing this next year!

       3. I love your idea anonshmanon! I am going to copy it. Can’t wait to try it.
          (Off to make a list of my girlfriends who will participate…)

    2. I hear you! I don’t know if any wineries do it, but they should absolutely be using smaller bottles for tasting – I’m picturing those little plastic, single-serve bottles Barefoot come in, and they could even include a return label and order form, so you can send the empties back when you’re done for a discount off whichever wines you liked.

    3. I can’t recall where I read it, but a week or so ago read that wine leftovers can actually be frozen. Mind blowing. It is not perfect, but would it be an option if you have room in your freezer? Also, if you are in DC, Reveler’s Hour sells flights for their virtual wine classes, so you don’t have to buy/open multiple whole bottles.

       1. Wine leftovers can be frozen for future uses like cooking but I don’t think anyone would much enjoy drinking defrosted wine as a beverage.

    4. Not in USA then maybe unhelpfull.
       I am following this webinars https://www.67pallmall.com/virtual-events/
       They send you the samples for the tasting no whole botles and they deliver to UK and the rest of EU for an extra.

    5. My local wine shop in DC does this! They prep little 50 ml bottles of each wine that you’re tasting for you to pick up in advance (or they can ship to you if you can’t come into the shop), and then they have tastings and classes via Zoom.

28. Any gift ideas for a third grader to give her friends? They haven’t seen each other all year so she wants to drop off a holiday gift for her three besties. I know they’re all into LOL but any cuter ideas than that? My first thought was a cool scrunchie but what else to include? They’re all 8 going on 18 so very into the vsco girl asthetic but still too young for tech.

    1. I used to love jewelry kits at that age. What about picking up a kit where she can make her friends matching bracelets?

    2. Stickers and solid colored water bottles (hydro flask) to decorate? Can get stickers in a giant pack off Amazon or Redbubble

    3. Olive and June nail kits and/or nail stickers are cute

    4. Mini Caboodles? Or is that to twee?

    5. Not sure what the budget is, but my 7 y/o got a Caboodle filled with scrunchies and lipgloss and a very fluffy pen and she was over the moon.

       Also, her BFF got her a flippy sequin mini backpack from target filled with scrunchies, a flippy rainbow wallet, a BFF bracelet (also from target) and a flippy sequin notebook.

    6. Fizz and Bubble has cute hand sanitizers in fun scents like bubble gum, watermelon, etc.

29. Has anyone had IPL, and do you like your results?

    I have terrible “whiskey nose” despite not using alcohol. I’d love to clean up the dark capillaries on my very fair skin, plus the multitude of cherry angioma spots all over my face. (Derm has confirmed that I do not have rosacea.)

    1. I’ve had VBeam in the past for just a few spots…Not much at all and not high energy. I ended up getting some indented scars in the shape of the head of the laser that appeared months after my third tx where I didn’t even get a bruise after having the procedure. I also didn’t like how the spots I had done were lighter than the rest of my face, so when I blushed, I had big white shapes. idk…I had this done at my board certified derm’s office 10-15 ish years ago.

    2. “Whiskey nose” gave me a chuckle…thank you and good luck….

    3. I had it done for the ‘mask of pregnancy’ melasma on my forehead. It was $$ and painful, but it absolutely did work, and I wish I’d done it sooner instead of messing around with other OTC remedies first. It took a series of 6, and you had to be very on top of the scheduling, so I think overall it took me close to 7 months start to finish. Worth it, but I will forever be vigilant about sunscreen afterwards.

    4. Years ago I had it for neck and chest. Was very satisfied with the spots on the chest being almost completely removed. I didn’t have the same experience w/ the face. It could be because my pain tolerance was low and I was flinching a lot so maybe I didn’t get the full extent of the treatment. The nose hurt, by the way. If I had it to do over again, I’d take a pain pill ahead of time, and insist that I sit for 20 or so minutes so the numbing cream takes effect. They tell you it doesn’t hurt “it just feels like a rubber band snapping you.” Then, when you’re in the treatment, you realize that a rubber band snapping your nose or anywhere else hurts! I would like to go back to get rid of age spots and acne scars so I am looking forward to any comments about what works well these days.

       1. They don’t want you taking any blood thinning products for a full week ahead, so any NSAID for pain is out, but Tylenol should be ok.

    5. I’ve had it done for dark spots, so not for the same issues. My experience was very similar to anne-on’s. I loved the results and will do it again to deal with the dark spots that have cropped up during my pregnancy.

    6. I’ve had laser for broken capillaries. It works but it will give you bruises where the capillary bursts so be prepared for some down time and some cover-up makeup. Don’t schedule this just before family photos or new headshots!!

       Don’t mess around with IPL. Go for the real laser. I got mine at a stand alone laser center that is not a medi-spa. The lasers were operated by an RN under supervision of a dermatologist (who was usually not on site, but available if anything went wrong.)

       It works but if you have some sort of condition that tends toward broken capillaries (I have rosacea and very fair, thin skin) then over time some of them will come back. It’s the kind of thing that needs periodic maintenance.

       If you’re in the Bay Area, the place I went is Diablo laser center. And it wasn’t terribly expensive either. Very no-nonsense let’s get right to it approach. No spa music, no fluffy robes. Results oriented.

    7. I left you a long comment that is in m0d, specific to capillaries

30. What are your favorite towels? Mine are from my wedding 13 years ago and more than ready to be replaced. I have tried a couple of towels, but haven’t found anything I love. We currently have bath sheets and my husband likes them plush, but I like towels that will also dry all the way (we live in the humid SE) so they won’t get that old towel musty smell.
    Thanks in advance for recommendations!

    1. Coyuchi Turkish towels. Expensive but they last for years and years and years.

    2. Vera Wang, Kohl’s

       1. +1 we just bought several 6 piece sets of these based on a rec from The Mom Edit:

          https://www.kohls.com/product/prd-4223356/sonoma-goods-for-life-6-piece-quick-dry-bath-towel-set.jsp?skuId=Sonoma%20Goods%20For%20Life%20%206%20pc%20Quick%20Dry%20Bath%20Towel%20Set&search=4223356&submit-search=web-regular

          The price is insanely cheap. They are soft enough for me for sure, and seem to dry easily. (There were many more colors when I bought a couple of weeks ago.. maybe poke around the site a little).

    3. Wow! Your current towels lasted 13 years…I would buy the same brand again, if still available. That’s some impressive lasting power.

    4. Lands’ End supima towels. They dry well, fluffy and last and last. Just replaced some that were 15 years old (seriously).

       1. +1 I have these too n

       2. If you don’t put towels in the dryer, they’ll last even longer. Mine are from 1992 or so…

    5. I use peshtemal and find they dry much faster.

    6. We have some fairly cheap ones from Ikea that we got 6 years ago and are just starting to show faint signs of wear after daily use and weekly washing. They’re not super plush, but that’s my preference- I like ones that dry quickly. It doesn’t look like they make the exact same ones any more, but there are other similar waffle-patterned styles. I like these better than plenty of nicer towels I’ve tried and they’ve held up much better, though no guarantees about other styles.

    7. Ralph Lauren towels (the ones from the RL website, not the Macy’s version which arent the same thing). I’ve never had an issue with them not drying properly or smelling bad. They’ve stayed plush over the decade I’ve had them.

    8. Pottery Barn Classic Organic Cotton towels might be great for you. Last a long time, plush, don’t leave lint, but dry fairly quickly.

    9. We have “Everplush Diamond Jacquard” which dry super fast. I love them!

31. Haven’t had a haircut since Feb. and looking to buy a hair oil for my dry ends. Are fancy hair oils like Kerastase, Olaplex, Ouai worth it? Or is picking up a cheap The Ordinary oil just as good? I don’t mind paying more for good products, but not if it’s a rip off.

    1. My daughter swears by Olaplex; she has dry curly hair and she’s been using it almost 2 years and it makes a huge difference

    2. You’re better off cutting off the dry ends, even if you do so at home. None of those products add going to fix fried hair – they just give a temporary smoothing effect that washes out. So don’t spend any serious $ on them. The ordinary is probably fine.

       1. Yeah, you have to use it *before* damage occurs as a protectant for best effect. I use the Chi brand.

    3. If you’re just putting it on the ends, you can use olive oil honestly.

    4. I’ve had good luck with the It’s A 10 leave-in

    5. I use the whole Kerastase Genesis line and it’s great. But nothing is ever going to fix dead/dried or split ends except a haircut.

    6. I like Bumble and Bumble Hairdresser Oil.

32. I need new pants. I’m wondering if I should pass over the skinny crop ones that are on final sale everywhere and move on to something else. However, I’m not ready to have to wear heels all of the time again. Thoughts?

    1. I’m struggling with this too. I keep thinking about adding full length/wide leg trousers (a la the ones featured here today) back into my rotation – but I hate dealing with the ‘hem for flats’ vs. ‘hem for heels’ issue. Plus I hardly ever wear real pants anymore.

       1. Yeah, I don’t really want to wear real pants again.

       2. I have not worn dress pants for work since the early aughts for this reason. I was SO tired of hemming them/dealing with heels in the office vs. commuting shoes. I wear skirts or dresses with varying levels of warm tights and long coats/boots. Dark jeans for casual days or truly frigid weather. But I have walked to work in very very cold weather (teens and zeros) and honestly wool tights, wool skirt, and knee high boots was warmer than I would have been in dress pants anyway since none of them are lined these days! Plus it’s easier to keep boots and tights clean myself in gross weather vs. having to deal with snow and slush up the back of my wool pants. Thank you for coming to my TED talk ;)

33. Anyone have an eyebrow tint kit that they can recommend? My hair is auburn with some light graying at the temples, but I am definitely getting a patch of white in my eyebrows that jumps out to me. I’d prefer to dye every month or so than use a temp dye.

    1. Sadly, I find that brow and lash tints do not cover my gray/white hairs. I think the formula is less strong because of concerns of eye damage. For my brows, in the “before” days when I was going to the salon for color, my colorist would swipe some of the hair color on my brows for a short interval and that worked well.

    2. Just for Men Beard and Mustache! There are tutorials on youtube on how to best apply it to eyebrows.

       1. Just be careful you don’t sweat profusely at press conferences!!

    3. Just for Men Mustache tint kit in Medium Brown

    4. Godefroy in graphite for anyone darker than golden blonde is a great color. It definitely lasts longer than Just for Men (2-3 weeks vs 4-5 days). However, you do have to mix the color, so a little more time involved.

34. Please come in if you are doing better in the quarantine life than before Covid. Tbh, I have less stress, get more sleep than ever, spend time with my husband, get more exercise, eat healthier and for the first time in years, I have the time to focus on details that I would have deemed “small stuff” before…organizing files and financial matters, having a fully stocked pantry and fridge, time to clean my house more thoroughly. I am so fortunate and thankful for my good health and my family’s good health. I used to travel a lot for work and don’t miss it but I don’t miss the fatigue. Thankful for so many blessings this year.

    1. Same!

    2. Yep. I know lots of people hate it but I have loved so much about it.

       1. Yes, I hate the reason, but I am happy to not travel for work as much and have more time to focus on my actual job, my husband, and my hobbies. I’m a big introvert, so I never really liked going out in public and socializing a lot anyways. I do miss travel for pleasure though.

    3. I wouldn’t say it’s “better,” but it’s not as bad as many people seem to be experiencing. I’m SO grateful for more sleep, less stress commuting/dealing with the office, getting more exercise, and having more time for hobbies, even though I am high-risk and stressed about the big stuff. When the pandemic is over, I want to WFH forever.

       1. OP here, thank you for your honesty. We are so blessed.

    4. Kind of, almost all of these things are true for me, and although I am very excited about the vaccine news I am also dreading not having license to WFH 100%. However, this year has also brought incredible anxiety over the pandemic, election, economy, and climate change. I think the anxiety would have been even worse though if I was not home this entire time, so I guess I should be thankful.

    5. Same. I’m saving money, getting quality time outdoors, can focus on class work and work work better, etc. I’m in a good place, health and accrued time-off wise to weather COVID as well as possible if I did come down with it. It would be different if I lost my job, but that piece is as secure as one can get at this point.

    6. Me! Some things are harder, but overall I’m doing better. Best physical shape of my adult life, started dating someone and have had time to put into the relationship, got a dog, sleeping more, eating better, house has never been cleaner, taken more time off (covid appropriately, relax all), less stressed about work. I recognize that I’m not dealing with many factors that make this very hard for many –financial stress, total social isolation, kids to wrangle while working, poor health, family pressure to do crazy things, caregiving for at risk family members, etc.

       TBH, what has made the biggest difference has been less work. Less office time, less actual work to do, less interest in prioritizing my career. Less sense of go-go-go. Permission to do a good job and not an amazing job (i.e., no 2,100-2,200 hour years.) I am totally unsurprised that I have time work on a personal life when I don’t work 50-60 hours/week! Who’d have thought?!

    7. I miss my friends and my city’s vibrant life (festivals, 10Ks, parades) desperately, but WFH has allowed me to return to a demanding legal career while still seeing my baby multiple times a day for nursing or a quick snuggle, getting to exercise almost daily, and cooking a decent meal most nights. My partner isn’t traveling for work (he typically traveled something like 100 days a year), so we’re having great family time together and with my future stepkids. Even my dog is in better shape because he’s getting more exercise with everyone at home.

       I actually feel guilty about how good it has been for me.

35. Can someone give me specific model numbers etc. — wanted to get my parents a Roomba. They’re older and have been complaining a ton because they won’t be calling their cleaning lady this winter as numbers go up everywhere; they managed March-July without her but it was a LOT and they (mom mostly) DREADS having to do it again for a few more months until they and the senior citizen cleaning lady are all vaccinated. They’d use it for carpet and hard floor but carpet is more important; they have kind of thick carpet though nothing over the top. No pets. Is there a model that they can just charge and turn on and that’s it? I know a lot of them are wifi enabled, use with your phone types and knowing them this will prove to be a tech challenge. So an “easy” option which even if it has wifi or phone connectivity, you can still just press on and it vacuums, bumps into walls and turns around is probably better. I prefer cheaper to more expensive but cost isn’t a huge issue. Thanks.

    1. The 600 series is the bump and turn style that does not map out your room. Instead it just turns when it bumps into something and kind of randomly cleans your room. Any model number that is 6xx is going to be like this.

       They all hook up to your smart phone but you don’t have to use this feature. You can push a button on top to make it run. You do have to empty the bin (a drawer on the unit) and clean the brushes periodically.

       I have a 600 series and a higher end 900 series (upstairs, downstairs.). The 900 series makes a map and cleans more “smartly” than the 600 series. However, we prefer and have had fewer problems with the 600 series.

       They will probably have a Black Friday deal on their website, irobot dot com, and that is the way to order.

       The thing I really like about the company is that you can call them and get a live person to help you troubleshoot any issues.

    2. Left you a comment in m0d jail. Please check back.

    3. I have this one and really like it. It doesn’t have WiFi capability, just a button on top + a remote control. They will have to empty the bin 1-2x per week (if you have it set to run every day), but otherwise it’s very easy and low maintenance.

       https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07L2YB8NW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

    4. We’ve had a Eufy 11S for about a year and it’s great. It’s bump and turn, so no wifi, and nice and slim so it fits under most furniture. We have hardwood, tile, medium pile carpet, and area rugs of varying thicknesses and it does great with all of them. You can program it to run at a specific time or you can just hit the power button on the remote or the vacuum itself.

36. Has anyone snagged anything good at the current Sephora sale? I’m about $90 from rouge so it seems like a good time to hit that. I’m open to both gifts and things for myself.

    1. Clinique Take the Day of Balm is on sale today. I also stocked up on my 2nd favorite dry shampoo, IGK First Class for half off. The Sephora Favorites perfume sets are also cool.

    2. I stocked up on a few staples, but also grabbed a few fun or new (to me) items.

       I enjoy makeup and am betting that when we gradually return to unmasked life, there will be a trend for bolder makeup looks. Or at least, I expect that I will be in the mood for some bolder looks after covering 3/4ths of my face for so long! So to that end, I picked up two YSL lipsticks in colors outside my typical shade range, and a set of lip glosses (which I haven’t worn in ages, but are definitely back!), and a foil-finish metallic eyeshadow. I’m looking forward to wearing some creative and fun looks over my solo holidays and in the future!

       Also some of the discounted sets are a really great value – Kiehls and Shiseido particularly.

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