Thursday’s Workwear Report: High Waist Asymmetrical Pencil Skirt

360 Comments

1. Any Sacramento ‘r e t t es?

   SO and I are considering a move to Sacramento, CA and I’d love any information as to neighborhoods we could potentially consider. Our criteria:

   – decent (safe) public elementary school–we have a baby, and will cross middle school and high school decisions in the future
   – ideally short (less than 15 min.) commute to downtown
   – established neighborhood (with mature trees)–maybe built before the 1980s

   We know Land Park, South Land Park (in areas where Sutterville elementary is the assigned school), and East Sacramento are options, though we’d have to stretch financially and definitely go small. I’m not sure if there are any other areas I should be considering…I’m not particularly familiar with closer-in suburbs.

   And we’re not considering Davis. It is a bit too far, plus, I grew up there and would prefer not to live there now.

   1. I grew up in Sacramento! Unfortunately I think what you’re looking for are the neighborhoods you already mentioned (Land Park, East Sacramento, etc.) Those neighborhoods are so charming and walkable. I really think those are the nicest neighborhoods in Sacramento, even if the houses are small.

      FWIW, I grew up in Granite Bay (Eureka School District), and those schools are fantastic. But the commute to downtown Sacramento is too long with bad traffic, so I wouldn’t recommend it.

      1. Thanks! I mean we can probably only afford a 2 bd / 1 ba house in those neighborhoods, rather than a more desireable 3 bd / 2 ba…but we definitely prioritize location over size, so it looks like we may have our list.

   2. I live in Sacramento. Land Park and East Sac don’t have great public schools and the ones they have you have to sleep out overnight to get in to.
      I would recommend looking at Arden Park/Willhaggin area and also Carmichael. Sierra Oaks School in Sierra Oaks (15 min to downtown), Mariemont in Arden Park (15 min to downtown), and Detterding in Carmichael (2o min to downtown) are all really good schools. You could also buy a cheaper house and send your kid to private school, giving you a bit more flexibility.
      For those areas I recommend as a realtor Angela Heinzer of Coldwell Banker.

2. Cute skirt! I would wear that.

3. I have a completely random question apropos of absolutely nothing.

   What do you think about gendered titles for vocations/roles? Masseuse/masseur, actress/actor, waitress/waiter, etc.? Outdated, or perfectly normal?

   1. I hate gendered titles. It just seems silly.

      1. Yay! I love this asymetrical pencil skirt. I just have to remember NOT to cross my leg’s in public with it, b/c it is probabley goeing to be to tight to do that w/o stretcheing it. FOOEY!

         As for the OPs, I agree with those who favor gender neutral title’s. I am a lawyer, and a lady, but I do NOT like to be refered to as a lady lawyer. That is dumb b/c they do NOT say that men are men lawyers, or anything else.

         We ALL took the same LSATs, law school and bar exam’s, WITHOUT regard to sex, so why now should it be an issue if we have FEMALE as oposed to Male body part’s. We do NOT use such body part’s in being a lawyer.

         Now I would have to think if it MIGHT make a difference if we had diferent ocupation’s, such as a FOOTBALL PLAYER or a SUMO wrestler, b/c those are job’s that do require you NOT to mix the sexes, but sureley for the PROFESIONAL OCCUPATION’s, there is NO need to make this distinction. Even the manageing partner ONLY introduces me as his PARTNER, not our firm’s FEMALE partner. YAY for the MANAGEING PARTNER, and FOOEY FOR OTHERS who refer to us as FEMALE LAWYERS. DOUBEL FOOEY!

   2. I also hate gendered titles. Somehow it makes me feel like an actress is less of a serious actor than an actor, for example. I think part of it is that for some title, actor in particular, a lot of women refer to themselves as “actors” as though it’s somehow more of a serious thing. To me gendered titles is a lot like calling someone a “lady lawyer” or a “woman doctor”

   3. Doesn’t bother me. There are other languages (e.g. French) where words have different spellings depending on the gender of the person/animal. It kind of seems like an extension of that.

      1. In French, that is simply how their grammar works. In English, it’s discriminatory.

         1. Well, the words masseur and masseuse are actually French words, so I’m not sure why it’s ok in French but not in English.

            1. In English, massage therapist is typically the preferred term these days to avoid gendered language usage.

         2. Yes, but English is derived from a lot of different languages, so without getting into a ton of linguistic history and etymology, I would argue that that’s kind of how English works, too, it’s just inconsistent because melting pot.

            I don’t find it discriminatory if both words are used. The examples given, actor/actress, masseur/masseuse (that’s French, anyway), waiter/waitress are legit words. When you artificially add a gender identifier to a neutral profession title like lawyer, doctor, professor, pilot, whatever, that’s when I raise my eyebrows.

            1. Yes, this. I see no problem with actor/actress etc. and think people here are way overreacting to the fact that English has some words that have two versions, but it really annoys me when colleges call the women’s team the “Lady ___s” like the Tennessee Lady Volunteers. Volunteer is not a gendered word!

   4. Ridiculous and a major contributor to women’s oppression. Females can do anything males can do, but having words like “Krankenschwester” in German (nurse – “Schwester” means sister”) contributes to the horrible, longstanding idea that women are suited for different roles in life than men. Gender is an oppressive social construct designed to keep women down maintain the patriarchy, not a fun spectrum or costume party.

      1. Actually, the modern word for a nurse is “Krankenpfleger” … or “Krankenpflegerin” if the nurse is female. Darnit.

         1. No, it’ s Gesundheits- und Krankenpfleger

      2. When I lived in east Germany, they had a joke that since the standard gendered language adds -in to make something female, if it’s “lehrer” (male teacher) and “lehrerin” (female teacher) the word for washing machine should have both “waschmasch” and “washmachin” (improper spelling, but how it was pronounced) so that the ladies wouldn’t be the only ones doing laundry!

         Also interestingly enough though, one of the things that a lot of the former communists I met were proud of is that apparently, under the communist regime, they got rid of gendered titles since every was equal as a “comrade,” so my female teachers all referred to themselves as “Lehrer” (without the grammatically correct “in” to show they were female) and thought western Germany was sexist and backwards for still using the male/female identifiers. So even the “but that’s the way the language works” argument is a little misguided – language can change.

         That’s my random anecdote for the day.

   5. Women have acted on stage for centuries, so calling one an actor seems a bit affected to me. Same with waitress. However, I am neither, so can’t speak to their feelings re. either word form.

      My first language has genders, so I may have a different perspective than native English speakers. Some gender-specific professional nouns have a s3xist undertone, but others don’t. This is true for German, too.

      Because of my language background I have a problem with the word “barista”, since it sounds “female”. Of course, there is already a word “barist” in limited English usage per Urban Dictionary – because like it or not, there may be a need to indicate the gender of the person making coffee.

      I have never, ever heard the word “masseur” in everyday life, even though I get massages regularly. Male practitioners are called “male masseuses”, which of course, grates on MY ears, but I am not them, so I don’t correct the person speaking.

      1. … Massage therapist?

         1. You are correct. The people in the actual establishments, however, often call the male therapist a “masseuse”.

            1. Must vary by region. Are you in the U.S.? I have lived all over the country (and go monthly) and have never, ever heard that.

            2. I’ve always heard that the term masseuse indicated s/he provides “other” services, and that it’s very insulting to call a licensed massage therapist a masseuse.

            3. What!?!?

      2. Server. Flight Attendant. Fire fighter.

         I don’t like how Actor is the traditionally masculine word that we are calling everyone, but I like the ones that have a gender neutral term. And I’m fine with actor. I just don’t love it.

   6. I don’t like or use them. It seems more efficient (is it even necessary or relevant to distinguish someone’s gender?) and I can’t explain, but there’s a kind of “ew” factor to me with strongly gendered titles. Similar to using “Mrs.” on assumption.

      1. Perhaps it’s because feminine endings = diminutive.

         Even in plays in middle school (when being called an actress or actor was a stretch for me, by ANY measure ;-) ), I instinctively preferred to be referred to as an “actor”, because an “actress” was “less than”.

         In practice, I’ve read–and I can’t cite, sorry–that the categories for “actor” and “actress” on award shows are to ensure that women are recognized.

   7. I think there are a lot more meaningful and potentially fruitful arguments in favor of women’s rights to devote mental energy to than this.

      1. +1

      2. Exactly. Thank you. I couldn’t figure out a good way to articulate this.

         1. Possibly.

            BUT

            As a bit of an amateur (armchair) linguist, as well as someone whom–since I did and am going to college–has chosen to study language, I am sometimes disheartened by the lack of recognition given to the complex role language plays in our lives. Language reflects our beliefs even as it *shapes* them…which is fascinating and scary. Our language has an impact on the way we think.

            1. Oh, this was me. Didn’t mean to post anonymously.

            2. Not disagreeing with you, but I am not going to change a construct that has existed for thousands of years and is, literally, global.

            3. Modern English certainly isn’t thousands of years old, and it has changed enormously over the course of its history. Language is extremely fluid.

            4. I completely agree! I wrote my undergrad dissertation on the role of language in policy-making and how it can lead to gendered outcomes so I care very, very much about this issue too ;-) Still waiting to hear back my grade, fingers crossed!

      3. Yes, I wrote more below, but basically I’m trying to make myself shift but I’m not spending tons of mental energy on it and I don’t freak out if someone says “waitress” or “actress”. The one place I do correct people is a gentle reminder that my boss really shouldn’t refer to our entry level employee as a “girl” – especially since he doesn’t call the other new hire a “boy”. We both have been guilty of referring to them as “kids”, though we’ve corrected ourselves.

   8. I’ve never given thought to it. Don’t care.

   9. Weird if you are distinguishing “normal” (ie male) members of the profession, e.g., “lady lawyer” instead of just a lawyer. Weird if it is a very unusual form of the word (“authress”) comes to mind. Who cares? if it is normal part of the vocabulary and (per an above poster) just one of English’s quirks (waitress, spokeswoman, businesswoman, etc.).

      I just cannot think that I am really oppressed by the existence of a handful of gendered titles. I’ve faced actual sexism in my career, and am actually sort of irked that I am supposed to care if Jennifer Lawrence is called an actress.

   10. The “outdated” terms for many of those are the ones that still stick in my head and tend to roll off the tongue first, I’m sorry to say. When I’m thinking about it, I try to make myself mentally shift – but it isn’t always at the forefront of my mind, so “Hey, if waitress [or waiter] comes while I’m in the bathroom, could you ask her [or him] for a box, please?” still is more likely to roll off my tongue than “server”.

       When I’m writing or editing something I’ve written, that’s usually something that I will correct for, but I still haven’t gotten there 100% in speaking. I wonder if some day my kids or grandkids will look at me in either horror or confusion when I say the word “waitress” or “stewardess” the same way I was embarrassed when grandmother referred to “your nice colored friend”. I’m hoping I will have made the shift by then, but I’m sure there are other examples I can’t even think of now that will already have shifted.

       Right now the main habit I’m trying to break is not to refer to college students or our young entry-level employees as “kids” and doubly so trying not to use “girls” to refer to women.

       1. There already are (possibly internal) cringes from many restaurant people if you call servers “waiters” or “waitresses,” and from flight attendants if you call them “stewardesses.” I don’t think it’s a big deal, but it sounds kind of outdated, like saying you’ll put something in the icebox.

   11. I hate Donald Trump but I think people freaking out about stuff like this is a big part of why he’s so popular. This is the definition of hyperactive political correctness.

       1. The post didn’t start off with “GOSH I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THE WORD ACTRESS!!” It was asking for opinions, and the replies have been extremely thoughtful and reasonable, as are most of the non-fashion-related discussions on here. Can we not even calmly discuss whether the inherent gendering and potential diminutization of women’s careers might be impacted by language without getting the stink eye? Jeeze.

   12. Perfectly normal. Why is this an issue?

       Of course, I think an actress is as important as an actor. If you don’t, then that’s a different issue altogether.

       1. +1

          I don’t agree that most of the female forms of gendered titles are diminutive. Usually it’s adding “es” at the end, and I can’t think of any word that adding “es” makes diminutive. So it seems like the idea that someone views one gendered title as more serious than another as more of a reflection on their personal biases than an actual linguistic distinction.

          Which is not to say there hasn’t been a horrible history of women being taken less seriously, but like LeftEye pointed out, there are other issues that I think play a much larger role in holding women back and would rather focus my energy there.

          1. But I think there is a historical slant to it too, where the fanciest restaurants would only have waiters, and cheaper diners and cafes were more likely to have waitresses, and actors could be respected performers but “actress” was code for a scandalous woman or a wh”re. Like, people know what you mean if someone is described as an “actress-y type,” but no one ever describes a man as an “actor-y type.” So the word itself is neutral, but as with so many other words, how they are used in a social context can be dismissive.

             1. I’ve never heard of someone described as the actressy type and honestly am not sure what it means – from your post, I can guess, but I’d assume it meant someone dramatic or trying to become an actress if heard in conversation.

             2. 1. Language is not static.
                2. Young women are known to be language innovators–google it, there are lots of pieces written on this recently.
                3. Cultural anthropologists and linguistics have theorized and demonstrated that language determines culture and culture determines language.
                4. Not everyone fits into a gender binary.

                Thus, in English, it is important to consider feminine & masculine titles and their relevance. And, adapting to changes, though it may be awkward or difficult to break one’s habits, is not about being ‘politically correct’ or ‘fixated on trivial matters’ but rather it is a form of butting feminist beliefs (that men and women are equal) into action.

                The point that does bug me is that given the option the feminine version is most often discarded in favor of the masculine actor/actress. Unfortunately, this is, in my view, an extension of the misogynist society we inhabit.

4. This is probably a silly question, but when writing networking emails (or other emails to someone I don’t know), Do I need to start off by saying “my name is ….” Or does my signature block and email address (firstname.lastname@…) take care of that? I just find it so awkward to start off an email with “my name is…”

   1. I see a lot of these on behalf of my bosses, and the “my name is” opening always seems awkward. Name in the signature is better. It is helpful to identify your connection to the person. “So and so suggested I contact you” “I really enjoyed your presentation at X event” and such.

   2. I often start with something like, “Hi, I’m the [title] at X Company.”

   3. Yeah, don’t do my name is. I feel like that’s how every intern starts their cover letters and it just seems awkward.

      I would go with your position or you gave you the person’s name

   4. Yeah, don’t use “My name is” but use something else to introduce yourself — e.g., the suggestion above (“I’m the ___ at ___”), or “I work under __ at __” or “I am friends with Mark Darcy, who suggests I reach out to you …”)

      1. It’s already there, in your signature, I agree no need to repeat. Also, I don’t recommend you start the first sentence of an introductory email with I… it makes more polite to bury the I. My rule is to not start any emails with I. It’s hard sometimes.

5. I love that skirt! I’m in Canada and I wish brands like The Limited didn’t have such crazy international shipping policies.

   1. Word. Far too much of my energy is spent coordinating schemes to avoid international shipping charges.

6. I have two friends, “Jack” and “Karen”, who used to be roommates. Jack now lives with his long-term boyfriend. Jack did something really creepy to another friend of ours (“Will”), and Karen and I are struggling with how to interact with him going forward.

   Jack posted an anonymous profile on a hookup app and used it to get naked photos of Will by pretending to be someone he wasn’t. He then revealed to Will that it was him. Will was really freaked out and called Karen to talk to her about how violated he felt. Jack has done some questionable things in the past –cheating on boyfriends, mooching off of his roommates– but this is really disturbing to me, and is the straw that breaks the camel’s back in terms of wanting even a surface level friendship with Jack. Since that incident happened, neither Karen nor I have hung out with Jack, but I found out last night that Jack is going to join a group I’m active in.

   What do I do? Be chilly but polite to Jack? Quit the group? Tell him I think he’s creepy and then quit the group? Just avoid him as much as possible? Help me, hive!

   1. I would just be upfront and tell him what he did was disgusting and you don’t want to be associated with him.

      Jack, what you did to Will was seriously inappropriate and gross. I see that as a terrible violation of his privacy; I’m not comfortable with us being friendly. I know you are joining X and I will be perfectly civil, but I wanted to give you a heads up, out of courtesy from us being friends for so long, that I will not be social with you or engage in conversation with you.

   2. It’s creepy but sending naked photos of oneself to someone on a hookup app wasn’t real discriminating, either.

      1. I am falling more in line with this. Yes, it is creepy and dishonest and I wouldn’t want to be friends a person who would do this, but when you send naked pictures to people on hookup apps that you don’t know well . . . you run the risk of all sorts of things happening.

      2. Yup. Both are creepy, but one to a more extreme degree. I’d still participate in the group, but otherwise don’t engage with him. If that’s not possible, or if the group is too small for you to do this, then you leave the group. I don’t think you can out Jack to the rest of said group in a constructive way without some sort of repercussions on your end (with others see you as being petty? a tattle tale? will Jack retaliate? bad mouth you to the rest of the group? lie, and say you’re lying?).. too many ways it could go bad if you out him and his actions to everyone else.

   3. I would make sure the group knows you’ll have to drop out because of what Jack did so they can take the appropriate steps. I firmly believe that creeps don’t deserve privacy or respect.

      1. Don’t do this. OP has absolutely no proof about what happened, all she has is gossip. It appears that she didn’t even hear Will’s side of the story from Will himself, she heard it from Karen, who had no place to spread Will’s business without his express permission. It also appears that OP hasn’t spoken to Jack directly, she’s just jumping to conclusions that Jack must be the bad guy. Maybe Jack didn’t know it was Will until he actually saw the pictures? Maybe he thought Will knew who he was? A thousand things could’ve gotten lost in translation somewhere along the way. It is grossly inappropriate for OP to run around slandering Jack on the basis of a third-hand one-sided account.

         1. Agreed. This would only be appropriate if he had done something to the OP – and even then, questionable.

         2. If a friend told you she was raped would you demand to hear the rapist’s side of the story so as not to jump to conclusions, or would you believe her?

            I’m not going to slander Jack and I’m not going to tell anyone what he (allegedly) did both because I wasn’t there and out of respect for his victim. Based on what I know about his Jack’s character that I have observed with my own eyes over the past several years, I believe Will. And part of the reason I was so disgusted by Jack is that when he revealed to Will who he was, it was in this big, dramatic, scary stalker kind of way that indicated that he had intentionally hidden his identity as a kind of “gotcha”. It was seriously creepy.

            1. Totally with you with the rape analogy. Good for you for understanding viscerally that you don’t want to blame the victim for the abuse.

   4. Life is too short to spend time with people you actively dislike (for any reason!). If you’re organizing something, don’t extend an invite. For this group you mention, try going and seeing if it easy enough to ignore/avoid him, and if not, evaluate from there if it’s worth attending. It is totally OK to be picky about who you choose to spend your time with.

   5. Did you ask Grace for opinion on it? Or Rosario?

      1. Bahaha

7. Can anyone share their experience with negotiating maternity leave when FMLA doesn’t apply? I just started a new job and, of course (after years of TTC), just found out I’m expecting. I will be due before one year of service at this job, so I will not be eligible for FMLA or my company’s mat leave policy.

   1. Not sure about your company leave policy or when you’re due/when you started but I believe you’re actually eligible for FMLA every year – i.e., not just the year you have a baby. So if your FMLA kicks in 2017 and you’re due in end of 2016 and you want time off stretching into 2017, you may be entitled to FMLA in 2017 (if that’s when it would kick in). Not sure about your particulars, but just something to look into.

      Otherwise, i think most companies would try to work with you on this so you should just come up with a plan and present it to them and see what they say. A friend went through this recently and she was able to use her sick and annual leave as part of her leave for a month of paid and took 3 months unpaid (she got disability at that point, but it wasn’t much). It wasn’t great, but maternity leave rarely is in this country. She stressed her commitment to coming back and worked till the end, which i think helped.

   2. Congratulations!

      Mine didn’t involve a lot of negotiating, but I have two separate pregnancies at two separate small law firms, one of which had never had the issue come up. For the first one, they simply asked what I wanted to do, and we did that (I took 8 weeks unpaid and filed short term disability insurance). For the second, they said that they would pay 6 weeks and would work with me after that, so I took 8 weeks again, with 2 unpaid (no insurance coverage this time). Both times I found my employers very accommodating and willing to work with me, though, of course, I wasn’t asking for a lot. I’m pretty sure that I could have asked for more if I’d wanted to, though I’m not sure where the lines would have been. So, my recommendation is to go ahead and get an idea of what you would like, and present it as a plan with the assumption that they will probably be willing to work with you, then negotiate from there if they have reservations about your plan. Good luck!

   3. Congratulations!
      I’m in this situation as well. Are you in an industry or position where negotiating maternity leave would be normal, or would you have just taken your FMLA-allowed 12 weeks without much other option? I am definitely in the latter category. I work for a large company with well-defined leave policies. The STD is great, but otherwise no paid maternity leave.

      I contacted HR to discuss my options, and was basically told I can cobble together any combination of STD, parental leave (4 weeks unpaid), annual leave, sick leave, personal days, and the general unpaid leave policy (up to 4 weeks per year, only after all paid leave is exhausted and must be taken in 5-day increments) that is approved by my supervisor. As long as I don’t exceed my allowable leave time, and my supervisor doesn’t disagree with how much time is appropriate for me to take (she doesn’t), there’s no conflict and no need for FMLA protection. I didn’t need to negotiate at all — my boss asked for the estimated dates I’ll be out, I told her, she wrote it on her calendar, and we all moved on.

   4. I’m currently in this situation (started a job 2 months ago while 4 months pregnant, so will only work ~6 months before I go on leave). It’s with a large Fortune 500 company, and I’m an attorney, so I knew they would give me the time off, but the biggest question for me was whether I could get paid. They didn’t balk at all at giving me as much protected leave as I need (up to 6 months, more than is required by FMLA), but I won’t get any paid time off beyond what I receive for vacation time. STD doesn’t kick in until Month 6 under their plan and I won’t quite make it there, and because it’s an ERISA-governed plan, they can’t make any exceptions to it. Ultimately it’s unfortunate that I’ll be unpaid for most of my leave, but I’m trying to look on the bright side – I’m having a baby! And I’m in a job that will let me take off as much time as I want! And luckily DH and I can “afford” for me to not be paid for a few months.

      While you don’t technically need FMLA leave to take time off, you should get something in writing from the employer stating that whatever leave you take is job protected – that representation will be key if something comes up and they try to say you can’t return to your job after the leave. I wouldn’t rely on their verbal statements about it – I’d definitely want something in writing.

      1. And one thing I’d add to this – I was nervous about telling the company that I was pregnant so I waited until after I had an offer…but ultimately I kept reminding myself that if they are jerks about giving you a reasonable amount of time off, then it’s really not an organization you probably want to work for anyway. Having that idea in the back of my head helped me have the conversation with HR – but luckily they were totally understanding about my request.

8. Give me courage, ladies! I am planning a vacation, and I think I am going to do my first solo trip… Half way across the world to Australia. Any tips or suggestions for traveling on my own? I’m thinking of splitting time between Sydney and the Great Barrier Reef.

   1. I absolutely love traveling on my own! It can be very relaxing and a lot of fun. Australia is a super safe place to travel by yourself, and there is so much to do!
      Don’t let your solo status keep you from doing what you want! I had a great time on Bondi beach (the hop-on, hop-off bus goes right there), and watching a show at the Sydney opera house – bonus that single tickets are easy to get at the last minute!

      1. I also love traveling alone! I haven’t been to Australia, but I have always had a good experience traveling by myself. It’s awesome to be able to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. I also am someone who likes to strike up conversations with people I meet during my travels – I really enjoy learning about people and their stories. That’s much harder to do, IME when you are with someone else or a group.

   2. Sydney is my hometown. Ferry to Watson’s Bay and fish and chips on the beach. Surfing lesson at Bondi Beach. Night drinks at the Opera Bar (at Opera House) overlooking the Harbour Bridge. Day eating your way through the art scene and quirky cafes of Newtown and Glebe. Day trip to hike and have high – tea in the Blue Mountains. Cue the home sickness. Feel free to post more questions/details of what you like and when you are planning to go as they are in ‘Winter’ now.

   3. I went to Australia mainly on my own and it was great! I tended to mix up activities on my own with those with a group to stave on feeling lonesome/meet people. I went on a free walking tour in Sydney and met other women that I ended up hanging out with a bit later on. I also took a day tour to the wine region which was awesome. I also got a last minute ticket to the Opera House – it was awesome!

   4. Australia is an easy and safe place to travel solo–Meredith has some great recommendations. I love love the Blue Mountains. My general travel tips would be:
      – scan a copy of your passport, credit cards send to people you trust and that way if something happens (you loose it, you get lost…) you’ve got an easy access copy and so do people who may need to send out a search party
      – don’t pack a lo,t, try to be at least 30% under your weight limit–buy stuff in situ, clothes included. It’s easier and you’ll see lots of neat stuff that you don’t get where you live and you may want. Plus lugging stuff around is no fun.
      – get people to take pictures of you
      – go on organized tours with other visitors–great way to meet people. Your hotel will have options if you don’t organize in advance
      – talk to people & have fun!

   5. We did that trip two years ago. Spent a week in Sydney and a week in Port Douglas. Thala Beach resort was amazing. http://www.thalabeach.com.au Check to be sure you won’t be there during stinger season. They still take people out to the reef but only go in the water with stinger suits which allow for no exposed skin. Stingers will literally stop your heart. Intellectually I knew the wildlife in Australia was intense, but I didn’t realize, for example, that in some areas there are crocodiles in the ocean. We booked much of the trip using the platinum Amex travel advisors.

   6. I’m an Aussie! Sydney and the reef are great places to visit and really easy to do. A couple of things that may be helpful:
      – depending when you’re coming and what sort of climate you’re used to, you may be surprised at the heat and humidity. Especially in Cairns or Port Douglas, summers are frequently close to 40 degrees C (104 F) with 100% humidity (we have most of our storms and cyclones in summer). Not to say don’t come then (I grew up there and love it!) but if you’re not used to it, you may find yourself unable to venture out of the air con for long. And please apply sunscreen (not just at the beach, but all the time)
      – as Anon @ 9:48 says, the jellyfish can be a big problem. Especially the irukandji jellyfish, which are about half a centimetre long (so very hard to see) and will kill you very quickly. Take the advice of locals and tour guides – if they say don’t swim, or they’re not swimming, do NOT get in the water.
      – on the plus side, the practices of tour operators taking people out to the reef has improved a lot in recent years. You may get the impression from some older media stories that tourists are routinely left on the reef accidentally, but that hasn’t happened in years now. I don’t mean to sound flippant about this, as it was an awful thing that happened, but it is a lot safer now (& apologies if you weren’t aware of this and I’ve just scared you!)
      – as with jellyfish, be very careful and follow all local advice and signs re crocodiles. Every other week you’ll read of a tourist swimming in a water hole where there’s a sign saying not to and getting attacked. Sometimes they just lose an arm rather than their life but either way, it’s just because they didn’t follow instructions. Yes we get the odd croc on a golf course or something, but usually we know where they are and it’s very easy to stay safe as long as you follow the signage.
      – I hope I’m not going on too much but really, Australia is a land of a lot of dangers. We have a lot of signs and advice, however, to keep people safe. And you can keep safe if you follow them – but lots of people don’t. For example, there are lifesavers at huge numbers of beaches and they’ll put signs up telling you where it’s safe to swim. But every week in summer there’ll be someone (usually a tourist) who drowns because they swam outside the flags and got pulled into a rip.
      – and to get off the natural dangers, follow your usual practices re travel and being careful for pickpockets but it’s really very safe here compared to most places. Many women travel alone and it’s seen as a safe thing to do as long as you don’t hitchhike (Google Ivan Milat if you want a fright) and are generally sensible.

      I’m happy to answer any specific questions you have! And have fun – it really is a great place!

      Ps if you have time, Melbourne is a fabulous place to visit. Tourists always go to Sydney but locals like Melbourne!

9. Car question: The dealership we bought our car from has offered to buy back our 2012 model in exchange for a 2016 model (with extras that the base model we purchased in 2012 model doesn’t have) for the same or lesser monthly payment than we are making now. The 2012 model has 100,000 kms on it, so the extended warranty just expired, and it requires $800-1200 of work in the next 2 months. We got 60 month 0% financing on the 2012 model, so it will be fully paid off next year and we are not paying interest in the meantime.

   Obviously, I’d love to have a new car with no kms and a warranty. I’d also love to have one less monthly payment as my husband and I are TTC. On the other hand, if I’m exchanging the monthly payment for increased repair costs, then I’d rather have the monthly payment and a new car.

   What would you do?

   1. Is there anything actually wrong with your current car? How is the rest of your financial situation?

      Owning a car free and clear is pretty awesome, and that car payment can be applied elsewhere. Taking on another 5 years of payments wouldn’t be for me, but it depends on your finances.

      1. The $800-$1200 is an actual quote to repair rust on the body of the car. The only reason that repair hasn’t happened yet and may not happen for the next month is because the body shop’s hours are restrictive and I’m starting a 5-week trial next week. I was told at our last maintenance service that we will also need front and rear brakes replaced in the next 6 months, which will be around $1400 total. Beyond that, I’m just concerned that after 100,000 kms other problems will crop up.

         1. I mean, at 60,000 miles, it’s barely broken in. You could easily get another 5 good years out of it

            1. My SUV is still going strong at 230k miles with only regular wear and tear maintenance. If you aren’t trading cars in every 2 years or so, things like new brake pads/rotors, etc., are par for the course of owning a car. For me, the cost of regular maintenance was a far better option than a car payment for 8+ years.

            2. +1 to CountC – these aren’t really problems. Brake replacement (and oil changes and new tires, etc) is just the price of car ownership. These are costs that are going to come up no matter what you are driving.

         2. Brake replacement is normal – and cheaper than buying a new car.

            Rust (assuming you are in the northern climes where salting in the winter is normal and one of the biggest contributors to rusting) is not unusual, though 4 years in seems a bit soon. Make sure you are getting your car washed throughout the winter. If the rust is more of a quality problem with the way the car was made, no way would I be sinking more money into that line of cars. I would repair, maintain and drive the one I have until it wasn’t cost effective, and then buy something different.

            1. +1. If the rust is a sign of a quality issue, do not go out and buy another one of these cars. Trade it in on something reliable.

               We have had two vastly different experiences keeping older cars. Old car #1 kept breaking down and costing us several hundred dollars every few months. It began this behavior at 30,000 miles, so we knew it was a dud, but my husband kept talking me into fixing it by saying, “This will be the last time, and then it won’t cost us anything more.” We literally spent more money fixing that car over 14 years and under 200K miles than we spent on the original purchase.

               Old car #2 has needed a water pump and an alternator but is otherwise going strong with no other repairs besides routine maintenance at 11 years and 230K or so miles. By that point, old car #1 was needing major repairs every few months.

               And $1,400 sounds awfully high for brakes, even if you need rotors.

            2. I agree. Rust requiring body work on a 2012 model is a red flag. I just replaced a 2003 car with over 140,000 miles on it and it had zero rust.I live in a northern climate with a lot of road salt.

            3. Have you taken the car in to another repair shop for a second opinion?

         3. It’s only 4 years old? I’d keep it and not have to worry about a car payment. Then again, my car is a 1997 with 210k miles on it, and my yearly maintenance is still way less than a car payment would be. But how does your car have rust in only 4 years?

   2. 2012 is not that old a car. Sure, you may have to put $1000/year into repairs, but your monthly payment is going to be at least $200-$300/month or between $2400-$3600/year minimum. I always try to keep my cars for 7-8 years-at that point, the repair costs seem to outweigh the cost of exchanging for a newer car, but right now, my personal preference would be to pay for the repairs and pocket the extra funds I am not spending on a car payment. YMMV (lol).

   3. I always lease because I like a new car and the certainty that I won’t have to repair it (beyond nominal maintenance) and a fixed monthly cost I can budget for. I personally don’t think an unexpected, random car bill or breaking down somewhere is worth the savings that you can probably get by owning a car and driving it to its death. in other words, I pay more for certainty and luxury but YMMV (I think that’s apropos here ;))

   4. I personally would like to get rid of the car payment (which is why I’m paying off my own loan in 3-ish years instead of taking the full 5). And be able to use that money for something else.

      And honestly – 100,000km (62000 miles) isn’t that much to have on a car. It’s barely broken in! I also wouldn’t trade in for only $1200 worth of work, unless the work was indicative of an on-going problem. Though, if the cost of that repair is so much of a concern, why would you want to get the same car again?

   5. I have a 2009 car that I bought new and I’ll drive it until it falls apart. It’s too nice not having a car payment. If your car works, I wouldn’t trade it in for a new car payment.

   6. I agree – keep your car. When I finished paying off my car last year, I started putting that amount into a separate savings account for any future large repairs associated with the car (or to save as the down payment on a next car in case this one just dies). Mine is a 2004 and has 123,000 miles on it (purchased in 2010 with about 45,000 miles) and it’s fine, so you can definitely get a lot more years/miles out of yours.

   7. I wonder if we have the same brand car b/c we just got the same offer for our 2013 car. But we have a little longer to pay off: another 2 years and no repairs. It did get us thinking about getting a new car, but not from same company. We want a little more room for baby and the current car is great but a tight squeeze.

      A related question: what is the best way to sell your car on your own? The trade in value we were quoted by the dealer for the car we want to get wasn’t great and we’d like to get at least what we still owe on it by selling ourselves.

      1. Hilariously, the VW dealership sent me a similar notice to buy back my car for a new one. What they failed to realize is they can’t buy back my car until the VW settlement is finalized as it is a TDI that is part of the emissions scandal. I don’t think it’s specific to a particular brand, I think it’s a way for dealers to unload last years cars before they get the next year’s models and sell the used ones at auction.

   8. I’ve gotten this offer on a few different cars, so I think it’s a common one. I don’t think it’s technically dishonest, but the solicitation is a bit shady (as it’s presented as “your car is special” and not “we want you to get a new car from us and this is our hook…”)

      I wouldn’t trade in unless having a new car is really important to you — and in some areas/to some people it is!

      1. Yeah, I’ve gotten these letters like clockwork on the 3-year mark for every make and model I’ve ever owned

         1. Does the dealership/car brand own your financing? It’s a way to keep you making payments on a new car and for them to keep a supply of new-ish used cars around.

         2. Yup, this is common.

            Also, have they physically made this offer after looking at your car, or is this just from a letter in the mail or a word of mouth offer? The offers made in letters are assuming the car is in excellent condition with fairly low mileage – so the offer on your *actual* car probably wouldn’t be as good as the theoretical offer in the mail.

            Same thing if they only made you a verbal offer – be prepared for them to wait until you’ve picked out the 2016 model you want and then spring “well, due to X, Y and Z we can only offer this much for your used car” or some other fees that weren’t originally mentioned.

            Also “for the same or lesser monthly payments” is often a trap too – make sure that it doesn’t tie you into a 72 month loan, a balloon payment or some other tricky wording.

            Also, if you are TTC – will you want the same model of car when you are wrestling car seats, etc? Or would you change body styles in the next 5 years? I’d keep the current car, and once its paid off put the monthly payments into a repair or new car fund.

   9. Is your car a Mazda? We quit looking at Mazdas when every (brand new) car on the lot had rust starting in the trunk. Clearly some sort of design flaw.

10. I was in an accident this week that totaled my old, but much beloved sports car (everyone was fine, fortunately). Though it wasn’t an expensive or rare style, I had been a fan since I was a kid and was so happy when I was able to buy it, and I’ve remained thrilled about it years later.

    But, when I bought that car, I had no kids and no debt. Now, I have two kids, student loans, and there are a lot of reasons why getting another 2-door would be stupid. There seem to be used cars similar to my old one in my price range, and that’s what I want (well, I want my old car, but that’s not to be), though I’m sure that I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t have the nice upgrades that my old one had (leather, premium sound, fancy dash features). Our child-care situation is such that we’ve had no problem thus far limiting kid-carting to my husband’s SUV, so my barely functional backseat has never presented an issue. I will almost certainly keep whatever car I get for many years. Tell me whether I should seek out another similar sporty coupe, or get a (shudder) practical sedan or SUV.

    1. Can you get a practical sedan or SUV that has all the features you want? And when you say barely functional backseat, is it impractical for daily kid-hauling or is kid hauling impossible? For me, I want our vehicles to at least fit a child seat safely in the car in case of an emergency.

       1. The backseat was impractical but not impossible. I’ve put a rear-facing seat in before and it was workable. It would be difficult to get both seats in, but probably still possible, and the older kid will move to a boster in the fall. Once kids are out of car seats, it would probably be fine until their legs get longer (very uncomfortable for an adult to try to sit in, but kids would be fine I would think).

          I doubt that I would be able to find the features I want at the limited price range I have, though I might get lucky (re: JJ, I don’t see a Cayanne in my future!). I have a pretty long commute, so I don’t like the idea of an SUV for efficiency reasons (another version of a practical car for my purposes would really be a teeny-tiny super-efficient type; my old car was a bit to muscley to be particularly efficient, though it was better than an SUV).

          1. Get a MiniCooper

             1. You can’t fit a child seat in a Cooper, but a Countryman or other 4 door model would probably be ok. My husband drives a Cooper and he will be trading it when we have kids, whether he wants to or not.

             2. You can actually, it’s a pain to get them in, but they fit (maybe not every kind, but a rear facing baby bucket seat, and most forward facing. Seats and boosters seem to fit fine.)

             3. I adore my AWD Mini Countryman.

          2. Many small SUVs today get the same gas mileage as sedans. Mine gets better gas mileage than its EPA sticker. I’m getting 32-35 highway and 26-29 city.

          3. Do not get a Mini Cooper. Yes, they’re cute. They’re also overpriced and high maintenance.

             1. I think the new minis are horribly ugly, but I have an ’04 that is still going very strong at about 150k miles, and a lot of those are very hard track miles. And the Recaro baby seat (which is massive) fits just fine. Baby goes in and out through the hatch.

                Enjoyable kids and enjoyable cars are not mutually exclusive.

    2. Test drive an Acura SUV or cross over. Or a Cayenne. You’ll have the room you’ll likely need with 2 growing kids, and they’re plenty sporty – this is coming from someone with a Cayenne and I love having a fun, fast, sporty car.

       1. Same with Audi. I have an Acura MDX, but also love the Audi Q5. Both drive really well and don’t feel like the Suburbans or Ford Explorers of the 1990s/early 2000s that come to mind when I think “SUV”.

       2. Or don’t get a Cayenne because it is by far the douchiest car on the road and an embarrassment to the brand.

          1. +1 hahahahahaha

          2. And kept the brand from going out of business, so whatevs. You do you.

          3. No, that title is shared by the X5 and RX300 series.

       3. Switched from a Lexus IS (pre kid) to an Acura MDX (post kid). MDX is fun to drive and doesn’t have that truck feel that some of the other SUVs have.

    3. Get a car your family fits in.

    4. Don’t lose yourself to the motherhood. If it worked before and you wouldn’t be buying a practical car but for the crash, get yourself something fun. You already have one SUV for practical things.

       1. See, now that’s the sort of thing I want to hear. :)

       2. I totally second Scarlett’s point. Your family already has a “practical” car and your arrangement was working the way it was…so why not just get what you want? There is no obligation to sacrifice things that are important to you on the altar of motherhood.

          1. I agree with this, *if* it really was working. However, did OP often have to ask her husband to do pickups because she couldn’t put the kids in the car, or have to borrow his car to drive the kids somewhere, and is her husband ok with driving her car when she has his?

             My husband drives a pickup truck for work, and works with a partner. So he can pick up one kid after school, but he can’t pick up both if his partner is in the truck with him. And I can’t drive his truck (I don’t drive stick). I get pretty annoyed when he needs my car but I can’t drive his truck, or when I have to hurry home to get a kid before pickup on a day when I had planned to run errands. We’ve always made it work in cases of emergency, but it does get annoying.

             I think the husband does get a say in this – because it’s one thing to keep the moderately impractical car you already own, but it’s another to go out and buy another one, sticking him with having to be the responsible one by default. If the tables were turned and this was a man wanting a fun car while sticking his wife with the SUV, we’d certainly support her if she said “nope, not ok”.

             But if H is ok with it, and you really can put both kids in the backseat – go for it!

       3. I agree with this! I LOVE driving and having a fun car is important to me. While I don’t have kids, I think it’s fair to have one practical car and one fun car in the family. Even if your SUV is in the shop for a weekend or whatever, you can get a rental car for emergencies.

    5. There are so many stylish SUVs that you should be able to find something that gives you a sporty feeling. I bought a Jeep Grand Cherokee in the Altitude trim level (around $40 grand) and it’s pretty luxurious. Sunroof, leather, heated seats/steering wheel, power liftgate, remote start, etc. Also, it’s all black including the badging and wheels, so I look like a drug dealer.

       1. ILY.

    6. Why jump to an SUV? A sedan will also fit your family and will get better gas mileage and all that.

       1. Not OP, but I will never ever drive a sedan or a minivan. I just can’t. My concessions to mommyhood have been an SUV and a hatchback.

          1. Huh. This comment is really interesting to me because I’ve always thought of an SUV as a mommy concession. (Although my mommy concession was a four-door hatchback).

             1. So funny! A few years ago, my friend got an Acura wagon and I made fun of her for getting a “mom car” (she wasn’t yet a mom). She threw back in my face that SUVs were “mom cars” (which I’ve always owned since college, also wasn’t a mom at the time). She is so right! I got a new SUV when I was pregnant and it does feel very momish, but I feel like its more stylish than a minivan, and I don’t feel like it was a mommy concession because I would have gotten an SUV anyway.

          2. Wait, a sedan is more of a “mommyhood concession” than an SUV?! Since when? Most of the mothers of young children I know drive SUVs.

             1. A sedan is just so … lame. For OP it would be a concession because she is currently driving a muscle car.

             2. VW Jetta GLI Autobahn Edition 6 speed manual shift = not lame. 28 to 36 mpg is icing on the cake.

       2. I’m not ruling out a sedan. But ugh, I even hate the word. Sedan. So boring, like what everyone else drives.

          I may be getting people stuck on the “sporty” aspect – I would actually call my old car a muscle car (or, rather, I’ve referred to it as a “Sweet-a** American muscle car”). It had a powerful and retro-style vibe that I loved, so just getting something “sporty” doesn’t really make up for the loss. Sigh. I’m just not sure.

          1. Just do what the British do and call it a saloon car (thanks Top Gear). Sounds much less boring.

          2. What about something like a 4 door Wrangler? The poor gas mileage might be prohibitive, but you’d be getting enough room and some retro muscle/American vibe.

          3. I’ve never been much of a car person so I’m dying to know, what is this car you love so much?!

             1. Aw. It’s a Mustang. Like I said, it’s not something incredibly exotic or anything; I’d just always liked the old-style ones, and when they came out with the retro-look one in 2005, I happened to be in the position to buy a new car in that price range, so I was really excited. I was keeping it vague because I didn’t want people to necessarily put their own opinions of the car into it. (As far as I know, it’s not the sort of car that people have a lot of negative opinions about, but it might be viewed as a lower-class car in some circles, I would guess.)

    7. Subaru WRX hatchback- sporty and practical

       1. Seconded.

    8. My husband has a 2 seater sports car and I have a 7 seater SUV. I miss the days when we had a third, practical car (a Prius). He feels the same way about his car that you did about yours. It is a pain that we only have one car that we can all use. I would not want a coupe for two reasons: (1) the kids get big fast, they will need leg room before you know it and (2) getting people out of the back seat at pick up/drop off is a pain.

    9. I have a BMW wagon that I LOVE. Sporty and practical.

11. Last night someone side swiped my car and took off. A Good Samaritan left me a note saying he witnessed the accident, got the car’s license plate that hit me, and a photo of that car leaving the scene. Anyone been thoughu this before?
    Will having this witness help? I’m a little nervous about tracking down someone who would knowingly leave an accident he caused. Any chance that he would ever pony up or is this going to be a lot of work when my insurance will likely pay for it anyway?

    1. Take that info the police! Don’t track them down yourself.

       1. this! Give the info to the police and your insurance company. It shouldn’t be work for you, that’s what the insurance co is for.

          1. Take a picture of the note before you bring it to the police – the police may end up keeping it as evidence, and you’re going to want to be able to provide a copy of it to your insurance company. (Ask me how I know this.)

             Also, even if the police won’t commit to putting the car owner’s name on the final accident report as the driver of the other vehicle (because there’s insufficient proof of who was operating the car at the time of the hit-and-run) (again, ask me how I know this), your insurance company can still use the make/model/license plate to track down the other owner’s insurance and make a claim.

             1. Thank you! Very helpful.

    2. Yes! Take it to the police and to your insurance company. Both of them will track him down.

    3. Yes, exact same thing though my teenager had parked the car not me. I had him call the police from that location and the officer came out, took a report and then gave me/my insurance company the name/address of the legal owner from DMV records. The owner paid cash instead of having his insurance company pay but it was easy. Good idea about taking a photo of the note. I’ve always told my kids to take a photo (safely, of course) any time that they are in an accident – show location of car, damage, other car, broken glass on pavement etc. Use date/time stamp on phone.

    4. This happened to me years ago but because it was in a private parking lot the police wouldn’t help. I told my insurance and they eventually just sent me money to fix it. I guess they found them. I did try to call myself and they were trying to take it to “their guy” to get it fixed. Um…no.

12. This skirt is really fun, but probably a bit too fashion-y for my “casual business casual” office. I do love the top though (it’s the Printed Ruffle Mixed Media Top), even though I don’t normally go for unusual necklines or extraneous fabric.

13. How would you handle a supervisor who Replies All in a dirty way? I send out a lot of marketing copy for review, and the review emails include different people for their different areas of expertise. My boss unfailingly replies to the entire group and calls me out, copying everyone from our director to my assistant. These comments range from his perceived grammar issues to disagreements with content. I just write it up and do not determine policy, but his tone indicates that he thinks I am a total idiot.

    The worst example of this so far was this morning, where he totally rewrote something and argued over the company being open on a particular Monday. It happens to be Memorial Day, and my initial email made a specific reference to the holiday weekend. He copied four people on this email.

    I find the practice completely rude and humiliating, but I don’t know how to stop this. When I replied, I only copied two other relevant people. He does sometimes remove people from email chains, so it’s not as if his default is just Reply All.

    1. With this morning’s email, he did reply and say, “Never mind, my bad”, but only to the smaller group. I’m upset that he had this aggressive call-out and when I provided evidence that people (including him) had agreed to this policy, he walked it back so halfheartedly.

    2. Look for another job. You are not going to change your boss.

       1. +1

       2. Just saw the perfect opening via a networking listserv. Talk about great timing. Thanks for the push!

    3. Is he actually replying to you only but copying everyone or copying everyone with his comments on the material so they can all have a discussion? If it’s the former, just talk to him and ask him to go to you directly or send things to him only rather than a group. If the latter, then you’re just the messenger and I wouldn’t do anything.

    4. Send the copy to each person individually for review?

       1. Or use BCC and discuss with Himmel in Person.

          1. I hope this was an auto-correct. Awesome.

          2. +1 If he adds everyone back in, you know he’s trying to take you down publicly. Best case scenario: he could just be a lazy/not technologically abuser of the “Reply All” function.

             If he manually adds the audience back in, approach him in person and state that you would appreciate it if he would provide you feedback directly/individually.

             And, then mention it to his higher ups during your exit interview as a factor in your decision to leave, once you get your next job!

    5. If you’re sure he’s doing it maliciously then he’s not going to change and you will have to learn to live with it or get another job. But, is it possible that he’s copying everyone just because he thinks of it as kind of a group project, and this way multiple ppl don’t spend their time correcting the same issues and you don’t get 5 seperate emails stating “the 3rd is a Sunday not Monday “? We do this kind if thing where I work and when I see eg that Jeff has already replied all on a coworkers draft , I know I don’t need to copy edit because he will have do e that part so I just read for content. Or, if I think a coworker might be wrong on a certain fact but Mary has already reviewed the draft I let it go because Mary knows all the facts and would have definitely noticed this if it were wrong… The fact that he replied all with his apology suggests he might be looking at it the way I do.

       1. Yes, the boss sounds like a jerk but I think it’s normal to send back a marked up document to the entire group who is reviewing, so that you can build off the most recent version/their comments.

    6. Sounds like he’s commenting on the copy. Comments about grammar and content don’t come across as dirty to me. People will have all kinds of things to say about your work. Perhaps you’re just annoyed with him in general and perceive his tone in a negative way. If he always has something to say, that should be your expectation. You can’t take that personally.

       1. If he’s commenting on grammar and he’s wrong, then let him be wrong in front of everyone on the reply all. If he’s expressing an opinion about the content, even if it’s a ill-conceived opinion, you can’t take it personally. I try really hard not to take criticism about my work personally, unless it’s actually about me. So, “You always neglect to include an oxford comma.” Rude, but I’m not going to take it personally because that’s a preference and reasonable people disagree. “You’re being sloppy and not editing. I don’t see an oxford comma anywhere!” That would bother me more because it makes assumptions about my work ethic. Either way, I think the best approach is to let as much roll off of your back as you can and/or BCC everyone to prevent him from using reply all to build an audience for his nonsense.

       2. Honestly, the dirty replies mace me think they were sorry mind type dirty, not rude! I was waiting for that part to be explained haha

          1. Holy typos batman. Sorry about that.

             Made
             Dirty mind

       3. He’s commenting on the copy but takes it a step too far. Example from this morning was (paraphrasing), ” I am sure this is wrong but this impacts XYZ VIPs. They are VIPs and cannot be inconvenienced and you should know this.” So while it is the copy, it is commenting on my ability to research and fact check.

    7. I would send to him first, and say “wanted your thoughts before circulating to the group.” Once you’ve got his okay, distribute it for the larger group’s comments. If it’s coming from you to those outside your area, you and your boss should already be on the same page about it.

    8. If your boss does this all the time, and the corrections are generally minor or petty, then the people receiving the emails probably already know he’s a jerk and it doesn’t reflect badly on you.

       However I question why you continue to send these out without asking him to review them first if you know that’s how he is going to respond. Run everything by him and look for another job.

14. Midtown ATL — suggestions for things to do? I’m going to be in town for a wedding — staying at a hotel just on the edge of Tech Square by Georgia Tech. I’ll have 1 free afternoon and maybe a few hours one evening. (i) Can you confirm that the area is safe to walk around for a female traveling solo; and (ii) suggestions for places to walk around just to get a flavor of the city? I don’t want to go far but always like seeing skylines of other cities, walking thru a residential or commercial neighborhood, and grabbing a coffee and sitting and watching people go by. Also — any shopping in that immediate area? I’m not much of a shopper but always love to grab a t-shirt or something that’s local (but not screaming TOURIST – like you’d find at an airport); not interested in Nordstrom and the like as they exist where I live.

    1. I live in this neighborhood (as a woman, alone) so I’m verrrrry comfortable, although you’re in the slightly less trafficked part of the neighborhood and you should, of course, exercise the usual big-city care at night.

       Here’s what I’d do with your free afternoon:
       -Take an uber to Skate Escape at Piedmont Park and rent a cruiser bike (it’s about a mile from your hotel, so it’s also walkable but the walk isn’t particularly interesting)
       -Ride your cruiser bike through Piedmont Park for a bit. If there is a King of Pops guy there, stop for a popsicle.
       -Proceed to the start of the Beltline Eastside trail at the corner of 10th Street and Monroe. Bike your way to Ponce City Market, stopping to check out the awesome art along the way (and maybe duck in to Paris on Ponce to look at the weird antiques, particularly all the oddball taxidermy).
       -Hand over your bike to the bike valet at Ponce City Market and check out the food hall and the shops. There’s a joint shop/gallery on one of the upper floors that specializes in all local goods. The food hall has tons of awesome options, depending what you’re in the mood for.
       -Hop back on your bike and continue to the end of the Beltline at Krog Street Market, where you have further food/drink/shopping options if you want them. You can also stop at Parish or Ladybird along the way.

       This is pretty much what I do every Saturday, and it’s a great way to check out the city and get a sense of Atlanta.

       There’s an Atlanta Beltline audiotour app you can download that will tell you all about the art, the history of the trail, and why it’s such a big deal.

       For your free evening, it depends on what you like to do – I’m always short on downtime, but one fun option would be taking MARTA out to Decatur Square, grabbing a table at a restaurant on the square, and enjoying a book and some people-watching.

    2. Cbackson did a way better job than I could of hitting the highlights of Midtown, the only thing I would add is that the High Museum is super cool if you’re into art. Also, there are some great Southern restaurants a little north of where you’re staying that are worth checking out (Empire State South and South City Kitchen). Finally, for shopping, check out Ponce City Market (on her list) and Decatur – those are your best “off the beaten” path options for shopping in that area. Oh, if you’re into aquariums, Atlanta has the largest one in the world and it’s pretty amazing – it’s a short MARTA or cab ride from your hotel (good option if the weather is crappy).

       From a safety perspective, you’re probably fine but I would exercise caution. For example, I wouldn’t wander alone near your hotel after dark, it’s kind of on the edge of a sketchy neighborhood (I work in a building 2 blocks from where you’re staying). Just use Uber/Lyft/cabs to get around after dark and you should be fine. And MARTA is totally fine to ride while it’s light out, again, I wouldn’t ride it alone after dark.

       1. Totally agree re: after dark. Lots of ga tech student muggings do not make the regular news (but i get campus alerts from my husband) and a few blocks south/east of you is a hotbed for transvestive prostitutes after dark.

    3. If you happen to be in town during Memorial Day weekend, big jazz festival in Piedmont Park, FYI.

15. Sounds like he’s commenting on the copy. Comments about grammar and content don’t come across as dirty to me. People will have all kinds of things to say about your work. Perhaps you’re just annoyed with him in general and perceive his tone in a negative way. If he always has something to say, that should be your expectation. You can’t take that personally.

16. I’m in a fortunate position soon where I will be able to move to any major city in the US. Husband, no kids, I don’t want to live anywhere that’s super socially conservative, and I’d like a not sky high cost of living, but I can be flexible on the latter if I totally love the place. I’m really flexible on all other things. Where have you liked living most and why?

    1. Austin!

       It’s a really nice-sized city and has a strong jobs economy, especially in tech. There is a ton of green space and amenities for active lifestyles, including lots of lakes and parks. Lots of restaurants, bars, clubs, etc. It’s in the heart of the Texas hill country and a relatively short drive to San Antonio, Houston and DFW (again, relative for Texas). It’s a socially liberal city. Yes, it’s a college town, yes it can be hipster-y, but I was not in college or a hipster when I lived there and I was so in love with the city. The traffic is definitely getting worse, but if you can live near where you work or in or around the downtown area, it’s easy enough to get around. Austin just feels very plugged in. And it’s becoming a place companies launch companies, products, test markets, etc. so it feels very on the frontier in a lot of ways.

       1. But be aware there’s no Uber or Lyft in Austin anymore. Sigh.

          1. True. Hopefully that’s not forever. Houston may also lose Uber soon, which is a real problem for a city set to host the Super Bowl next year, but no one asked my opinion!

          2. Agreed. And I second the recommendation for Austin. I lived there for three years and loved it.

       2. Even though Austin is liberal, I’d never move there because of politics at the state level. No, I won’t support a state which actively is trying to run Planned Parenthood out of business and eliminate abortions, even though the state at the same time won’t provide adequate funding for children living in poverty. That’s just me, though.

          1. I struggle with this. But I can’t imagine there’s a state in the union that I’m 100% aligned with on every legislative, judicial and executive decision made. And being a liberal in Texas is meaningful because we’re a part of a movement to change the way things are done here. The demographics are changing in Texas, and it won’t be a red state forever. But whether it becomes a purple state or a blue state depends on whether there are people here who will push for more liberal policies at the local and state level.

             1. Agree with you- I think Texas is changing and I would like to see more democrats there supporting it. Texan- what city are you in and do you find there are a lot of like-minded (i.e., more liberal) people where you are?

             2. I’m work in Houston, live in a suburb of Houston. In the suburb/county I live in, people are not liberally-minded, at least not in my experience. Our elected officials almost all self-identify as tea party members and my neighbors are almost all on the right (like open carry Trump supporters). In my job (law firm), I’d guess.. 75%+ identify/vote as Democrats. In my personal life, it’s a mixed bag. I have really close friends who are religious right conservative, but also there are a ton of liberal/Dem young professionals groups that I participate in with law school friends. It’s a big city, there’s always a group of people or an organization that will be like-minded if you want something like that. Where are you First Year Anon?

             3. Texan- I went to college in Texas and now am in a northern state and looking for a change to somewhere warmer (I hate winter and would prefer heat), but still with things to do/a city feel. I think it might be easier for me to get a job in TX due to my connection to the state and my field of work is popular in TX as well. Austin is cool but it is very hard to get jobs there. I like how Houston and Dallas have major airports (I like to travel), but everyone complains about them. Not sure what to do- which leads me to making no moves! But I am at a time in my life where I CAN do a change, which seems scary, but staying in one place your whole life is boring too!

             4. I genuinely believe Houston is a good option. I know it’s not the hippest place on earth, but it’s a major city and there are pockets of cool throughout. It’s probably not ever going to have a walkable, lively downtown, but major areas of the city are being revitalized and young people are opening up businesses (like breweries, restaurants, bars and boutiques). Housing is still relatively affordable (and with the oil price downturn, there will likely be foreclosures and a buyer’s market). The job market is hanging in there, even with the oil price downturn (I’m still getting multiple calls a day from recruiters for jobs in energy law). Houston has professional ballet, opera, symphony, soccer, baseball, football and basketball, a number of theater companies and a decent museum district (MFAH gets pretty great exhibitions). There are two airports (now both international) and I like the proximity to New Orleans and Austin. It’s not the best city in the country, but you could definitely do worse! (If you move here, ask about flood-prone areas and avoid them at all costs! -she said, as MORE rain comes down)

       3. I live in Pittsburgh and I looooove iiiiiiit. I have been here for about 15 years. Not from here.

          1. I was born in Pittsburgh and visit often because I have friends and family there. There are some really awesome neighborhoods in Pittsburgh right now. They have invested a lot in making that city a nice place for young professionals.

             1. Agreed! It has changed so much since I moved here. And there are way, way more young professionals and young families here now than there were in the early 2000s.

    2. Boston. We have all four seasons. Lots to do/great history. Great/fun sports teams. Very economically diverse – recessions don’t his Boston nearly as badly as other places. It’s at the upper end of COL for sure, but not NYC or San Fran. Lots of direct flights to many places around the globe. People want to come visit you.

       1. Thumbs down on Boston. Extremely cold winters, unfriendly people. It is quite beautiful though. Lived there 5 years and was glad to leave!

          1. Agree. It’s a nice place if you don’t mind getting batteries whipped at you or getting vomited on.

             1. Lived here all my life and have no idea where you go, but I think you need to find new places. I’ve never heard of someone whipping batteries irl and only know two people who have been vomited on (by SO/friend, when very young).

             2. What does “getting batteries whipped at you” mean?

          2. Snort – Boston’s winters can get a lot of snow, which is a legit pain, but I laugh at your description of extremely cold. No, it’s just a regularly cold winter. You need to have regular below 0 highs before you can classify yourself as extremely cold in my book.

             1. +1000

             2. +2

             3. Ha, of course it’s all relative. When OP can live in any major city in the US I don’t see why she should live in a place that snows for a long time. And we had 10 feet of snow the winter of 2015. nothing to sneeze at, especially when she can live anywhere! Keep me a warmer place any day.

       2. I love Boston. I moved here for law school and stayed, and I’ll probably never leave. Ocean, seafood, fun things to do, lots of young professionals, but not gigantic or overwhelming. I don’t know where Can’t Don’t hangs out, but none of that shit sounds like my Boston experience.

          1. I’m from here, so I’m biased, but I did leave for 10 years (swearing I’d never come back), and here I am once again. I have a lot of transplant friends who come for school or jobs, and stay. It’s not for everyone, I suppose, but what city is? I’d rather scratch out my eyeballs with a dull pencil than live in Richmond again, for example. To each her own.

          2. +1
             I grew up there, and left for work reasons. Other than MA being a heavily-taxed state, I adored Boston. I love going back to visit.

       3. I currently live in Cambridge and LOVE it. I’m moving next year to be with my SO for a bit but we haven’t ruled out being here long term afterwards. Things I love about the area: lower COL compared to NY and SF but still all the things that I love in a big city like tons of restaurants, good museums, greenery nearby (NH, VT and even just like the fells on a weekend walk), tons of young people who are diverse in what they do and many smart, educated people, AMAZING medical systems and top notch doctors, major airport and reasonable flights to Europe. I’m moving to SF and pretty sad about it.

       4. Boston is very crowded and expensive for what it is. People can be complete jerks, but some people (especially nurses) are SO friendly and kind. Overall, I’m not sad to be leaving – I’d rather pay 500K for a house with an amazing view and access to the outdoors in the PNW versus 500K for a tiny condo with a view of an airshaft in a bad neighborhood in Boston.

    3. Portland Maine or Madison Wisconsin if you can handle a serious winter.

    4. Raleigh. Or, not Raleigh, because even though the cat is out of the bag about how great it is to live here, we’re still trying to keep it a secret as long as possible.

       1. I feel the same way about Richmond. Noooo don’t come here, it sucks and is awful, despite the abundant breweries, great food scene, national-class arts, negligible COL, easy access to DC/NY/etc., and nonexistent traffic…

          1. Don’t tell anyone else to come here. The nonexistent traffic is already starting to exist!

             1. Ugh. I walk-commute now but probably won’t be able to next year, guess I’ll start experiencing the semi-existent traffic…

       2. Agreed. And don’t let the recent national press on the crazy stuff our state legislature pulls fool you. Raleigh is not super socially conservative. My sense is most of the state is actually pretty moderate and I think the legislature will head back toward moderate before too long.

    5. Portland, Oregon! Great restaurants, lots to do outdoors, weather is AMAZING (mild winters, perfect summers), urban living is ideal (walkable neighborhoods with great bunaglows), fun sports teams, liberal, smart people, population of people in their 2s0s-40s is booming.

    6. I’ve personally lived in Boston and NYC, and I’d probably skip NYC in your shoes (greatest city in the world, sure, but also, city of $2,000+ minimum rents in the fun neighborhoods and absurdly long commutes), but I would consider Boston. The rents aren’t exactly super-cheap, but they’re not terrible, and it’s a little bit easier to find a nice place in a cool neighborhood without losing an arm to rent each month.

       Other places people I know have moved and love:
       -Portland, OR
       -Portland, ME (not exactly a major city, but still technically a city)
       -Chicago
       -Austin
       -San Diego (although I’m not sure its as walkable as you’re looking for)
       -Boulder, CO
       -Richmond, VA (again, not exactly a major city, but technically a city)

    7. I’d move to Nashville in a heartbeat.

       1. Please don’t (not you in particular, Pockets, just any more people)! Nashville was awesome, but it’s getting too crowded. Get off my lawn, kids!

          1. Amen! I am ready for it to stop being the “It” City. Hopefully when Nashville the show is cancelled we can drive on our streets again. But seriously, it is a great place to live – low cost of living (except housing is insane right now). No income taxes, pretty decent weather year round, and lots to do. And tons of good restaurants.

       2. My daughter just graduated with her RN/BSN and is starting at Vanderbilt U Hospital in July. She’s so excited to be moving to Nashville. I’d like to move there some time too – grew up nearby.

    8. I’m a native Californian living in the Bay Area. People who can live anywhere they like often end up living here, but the astronomical housing costs are a deterrent if the budget is not unlimited.

       However if you don’t need to be in a major city, perhaps the wine country would work for you. I am partial to Sonoma but Napa is lovely too, and both are not cheap exactly, but cheaper than SF.

       I’d also give Portland and Seattle a look.

    9. Since it hasn’t been mentioned yet, I will highly recommend Philadelphia. I’ve lived in 5 major US cities and hands down loved Philly the most. Affordable, very friendly and down to earth people, AMAZING food scene, and you can walk pretty much anywhere within center city. Also, great arts scene, lots of museums and affordable theater. I would move back in a heartbeat. Writing this down makes me nostalgic.

17. I need hugs today.

    My mom is in the ICU. My dad has dementia and is borderline suicidal. I just found out that I am pregnant due to a birth control fail and the father is in no position to help. I will have to add “abortion” to my long list of major life screw-ups, along with all the related guilt. I’ve been leaning in at work, got promoted 6 months ago, and am supposed to be closing out a major project (possibly the highest profile project in my already large company’s history) while also transitioning to a new role. I am now trapped and there is nobody who can help, nobody at work I can even tell about any of these things. I am working 18 hour days and slowly failing at everything. Oh and I am moving to a new apartment next week and have to pack all my belongings.

    I want to curl up in a ball and cry alone in a dark room for the next 6 months.

    1. Ok so this is a lot. And the reason FMLA exists. Who is your boss? Tell that person “my mother is in the ICU. Let’s figure out everything we can do to help me on this project.” Can you call the moving company and request that they also pack for you? Do you have a friend who can help coordinate the move.

       Do not add abortion to your long list of major life screw ups. It isn’t. You are dealing with more than you can handle, and surviving. Making that choice isn’t a major life screw up.

       1. +1 to not a life screw-up. You were using birth control and IT failed, not you. Even if that wasn’t the case, still not a screw-up. Just part of life.

       2. +1 it’s not a screw-up. It’s a choice you are making that is right for you at the time and in the circumstances.

          And not everyone feels guilt related to that choice. Some may, but don’t let outside pressures and/or stigma make you feel guilty if you feel that is the right choice for you.

       3. Google “full service moving company” — one of those should pack everything for you and can even unpack when you get to your new place. Some of these companies also offer to disconnect services / reconnect at your new place. You’ll pay a premium, but you don’t need to deal with this now on top of everything else.

       4. Hugs!!! You need to triage and figure out what you can delegate to outside help. +1 on it is NOT your failure that birth control failed. Make an appointment right away and don’t guilt trip yourself. Hire a full service moving company to do all the packing and moving. Do you have siblings or other family or friends you can talk to?

    2. Huge hugs. You are not a screw up, and an abortion is not a screw up either. You have a lot on your plate.

       Have you looped your boss into what is going on, family-wise? Can you remotely work from the hospital? Can you outsource the packing of your apartment to movers? There are plenty of moving companies that will do that for you.

    3. Internet hugs!

       Be kind to yourself. Anyone of these things alone would be a lot for a normal person to handle, and you have to deal with them all at once, without much support. For what it’s worth, abortion is not a screw up, but coming from a religious southern family I understand the guilt.

       There are support groups that can help hold your hand through all of this. Hire packers for your apartment. Maybe find a cleaner or use a grocery delivery app. Call PP or google abortion support groups in your area to have someone go with you to your appointments. I have a friend who does this in my area, even if it’s just to hold your hand and bring you chicken soup after-I’ve also even seen folks find someone on Reddit’s women-related subs for this. If you’re comfortable disclosing your location, folks might have area specific recommendations for you, since you work such long days I understand any additional research is a burden at this point.

       And honestly, it’s ok to want to cry or even cry. If you have an office, go in, shut the door, turn off the lights, and give yourself a good wallow for as long as you can afford. Or go to your car for an hour. Or call in sick for a day. Take the time you need for yourself first. The world will keep going without you for a little bit.

       You can get through this!

    4. Take a deep breath, take care of yourself, and find someone to talk to even if it means spending time to engage a therapist (or more than one if the first one doesn’t click). Perhaps you can discuss your father with a local Department of Aging services or a geriatric social worker. Perhaps you can discuss your pregnancy with your OB-GYN, a Planned Parenthood counselor, or a crisis hotline. If you are religiously affiliated consider talking to a leader or another lay person in the congregation. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) may also have a local chapter in your area.

       Abortion doesn’t have to be a major life screw-up. It can be the least dreadful choice among several horrible options. If your personal beliefs don’t include abortion–which is truly okay–give some serious thought to becoming a single parenthood or participating in an open or closed adoption. Single parenthood is not perfect (exhaustion? loneliness? custody issues or child’s questions re the father?) but it sounds as if you are professionally and financially sufficiently secure to raise a child without falling into poverty. Becoming a birth mother is not perfect either (emotional complications, whether open or closed adoption? no direct experience here). However, if you profoundly believe that this is the right choice for you, hold your head high, proceed with pride, and ignore any gawkers or gossipers. Whether via open or closed adoption, you would be giving an enormous gift to another family and the resulting child.

       My one piece of advice would be to avoid confiding in someone who will simply make you feel terrible about your past choices and/or present circumstances. If you are both professionally accomplished and a member of a religion with some very traditional ideas about women (e.g. not to be ordained, best life choice = marriage + children) I recommend finding a confidant who shares your belief that women in your tradition can contribute to society in the workplace as well as–or instead of–in the home and kitchen. I mention this only because you described abortion as a ‘major life screw-up’ that is causing you guilt. People make mistakes or make careful decisions that are undone by events (e.g., birth control fail, unhelpful father). This includes unplanned pregnancies. And again–if you think abortion would only add another deliberate sin to the situation–continue the pregnancy and be proud of your moral fiber. There’s no shame in acting out your beliefs. Presumably you were involved with the father because on some level you believe in celebrating love (even if he’s not an ideal partner, even if you succumbed to loneliness…whatever!) and there’s no shame in that, either.

       In our present era with so much polarization it seems impossible for women to be both professional and traditionally religious (e.g. part of a faith community that doesn’t ordain women, prizes modesty, has gender-based expectations for adult life choices). However such people do exist. (Sometimes they also find a spiritual home among people who follow the same faith in a slightly less traditional interpretation.)

       Apologies if I’ve leaped to all kinds of incorrect assumptions. You’ve participated in creating a new life, you’re holding down a challenging job, and you’re concerned about your ailing father. You may be thinking about abortion but you have not yet acted irrevocably. You are not making a negative contribution in this world, not by a long way.

    5. I’m so sorry you’re going through a hard time. Echoing the other comments that abortion is NOT a screw up. It is the healthy choice for you right now and it is not a failure. Take care and take some time off work if you can. Even a day or two can make a big difference mentally. Also, I’m a big believer at throwing money at problems when you’re stressed. Hire a packing & moving company to take care of everything for you. A little more expensive, but priceless when it comes to your mental health. Hugs to you.

    6. Thank you so much everybody. I’m going to make it through this day in part as a result of your support.

       1. I just want to say that you’re going to get through this, even though I know it has to feel impossible right now. We all believe in you. And I will millionth that having an abortion is not screwing up.

          1. Big hugs to you.

             By any chance, were you the 2nd Plan B’er that responded to my post on Monday? I’m the OP (still waiting on cycle due to come Monday)

             1. Oops, that was supposed to be directly to Woe is me (not emeralds).

             2. No I responded to your post on Monday and I’m also still waiting… although took a test but don’t think I took it right (who would have thought it would be so hard to pee on a stick) or the test didn’t work or something. Or I’m not pregnant. Not entirely sure which one.

       2. Look up the website “I’m not sorry” (without the spaces obviously) for supportive stories about ppl who’ve had abortions and feel it was the right choice for them. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

    7. If you’re in Atlanta, email me at cbackson at the mail of google, and I’ll help.

       1. Ditto. Also in Atlanta. Would love a burner email to be able to send support.

          You do not owe anyone your time with your mom right now. If you want to be there for her, you should. And I have worked some pretty awful high-pressure gigs, and nobody would have questioned that. Doesn’t make it easier but I hope you can think about scaling back to spend more time with her. Agreed, this is why FMLA exists.

          It will get better. Today is terrible, but all the other days won’t be. Wish I could wrap you up in huge huge hugs and bring you your beverage of choice.

    8. If you’re comfortable posting a burner email and/or location perhaps folks here can help direct you to a full service movers?
       And if you are in my city I’d love to take you for a drink or hold your hand. hugs. Family stuff is hard and it sounds like you’re doing a great job being their for your mom and dad. Work will not fall apart if you need to take a few days or even a week off.

    9. Abortion isn’t a life screw up. You know what’s a life screw up? Having an unwanted, unplanned child. THAT will screw your life up. An abortion is an unpleasant medical procedure that affects a few days of your life, max.

       Hire full service movers that will pack your apartment. It will probably be the best $500 you’ll spend.

       1. +1. Abortion is not a screw up. It’s a legal, safe medical procedure that is available for women to choose if they want to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It’s no more of a “screw up” than any other elective medical procedure that a person decides is the right choice for his or her body, whether it’s gastric surgery or plastic surgery or anything else.

       2. +1
          The birth control failed, not you. It’s a medical procedure and should come with no value judgment whatsoever.

       3. Seconded. Abortion is not a disaster or a mistake or a huge problem. I’m sorry you have to deal with the hassle of it at this busy, stressful time, but if it’s the right choice for you, then embrace it – you’ll have this procedure that allows you to exert some control over the direction of your life and not make the big mistake of being a mother when you don’t want to be. Hugs to you and best of luck.

    10. Sending you All Teh Hugz and +1 to “abortion is not a screw-up.”

    11. Hugs. And more hugs. And then a few more.

        You have a ton of stuff going on, any one of which would be huge. I truly know the feeling of “my life is falling apart but work is busy and so I can’t take time off to get my stuff together and simultaneously do the falling apart that I need to do.” All that I can say is that, you absolutely can take some time to take care of yourself. Take the time. You won’t regret it. However, if you elect to power through, know that one more anonymous person on the internet has your back. You will get through this. Just keep your head above water. And abortion isn’t a life screw up.

18. This is a long shot – have any European corpore**ttes tried buying on Ebay and having the seller using Global shipping program?

    I would like to buy from the US, but germans friends have told me, they had trouble – they payed a large amount to the global shipping program, believing these Money would be payed at the german border for costum and duty, but the costum authorities did not receive any Money from Ebay or the shipping Company and my friends were billed twice.

    TIA

19. I’m invited to a casual back yard wedding this weekend and was intending to wear a flowered sundress. I just learned that the brides will also be wearing flowered sundresses. I sewed mine from vintage fabric, so it’s unlikely I’ll really resemble either of them. But it seems weird, like showing up in white almost. The alternative dress is one I wore at an event connected to my own wedding. Although it’s decidedly un-bridal, both the brides and several guests at the wedding were at that event. Would that be in poor taste? Do I need to go shopping?

    1. I’d wear the flower sundress. The odds are you looking coordinated with them is very low. And other guests will likely wear the similar flowery sundresses. Also, if they’re having a casual backyard wedding, they’re probably fairly casual laid back people who aren’t worried about their guests upstaging them in attire.

    2. Wear the dress you made. Brides own white for the day, not whatever they want. You won’t look like you are stealing her thunder.

    3. Isn’t “flowered sundress” basically the dress code for guests at casual backyard weddings? You should be fine.

       1. This. There’s no chance the bridesmaids will be the only people in flowered sundresses at this event.

    4. If you decide to wear your old dress, don’t worry about people having seen it before. Most people don’t pay that much attention. (Other than Björk’s dead swan, which Oscar dress can anyone really remember?) Also, a backyard wedding says ‘everyone here is laid back and not terribly stuck up’. So why would these people expect you to wear a dress to one party and then never again?

    5. A friend of mine accidentally wore a dress very similar to the maids’ in another friend’s wedding. I think she had a few confused extended family members ask her things about the wedding schedule that she wasn’t really in the loop on, but no one else seemed to mind.

20. If I am negotiating a salary for a new job and do not need the company healthcare would this is a something that I can speak to for a higher pay scale?

    1. Yes, absolutely! I have done this and it has made a significant difference!

    2. You could try, but I don’t think most workplaces would consider this a serious bargaining chip, since your insurance status could theoretically change at any time. What do you expect them to do if you opted in at the next open enrollment period, slash your salary?

       1. Ah, I did not consider that, since my situation is permanently covered. (Anon @ 10:50) If it’s not a permanent coverage, then it probably will not be as such help.

       2. Yea, the company I work for doesn’t increase salaries for not using their healthcare because so many people eventually opt-in (especially if the reason for opting out was a spouse’s coverage- because people get divorced or their spouse’s coverage becomes less attractive due to policy changes).

       3. Agreed. My past two employers have given me money for opting out, but it was a benefit, not part of my base salary.

    3. Yes. Had not thought of this at all.

21. Therapy question: Does your therapist ever make you feel worse?

    Just moved to a new city and have no friends or family nearby. I have done therapy before and decided to hop back in to work on general low self-esteem/social anxiety issues. In our first session, the therapist delved into questions of identity (I’m mixed race, estranged from one side of the family because they rejected the fact that I am half black, and my biological dad abandoned me) and issues with my partner (3.5 years/LDR). The issue is that I don’t really struggle with questions of identity and after a couple rocky years, my partner and I are happier than we’ve ever been with anyone. Some of her comments made me feel awful and really haunted me the rest of the day, all night, and they were the first things I thought of this morning. She said I was emotionally immature. For a little background, my bf treated me horribly for a while and it took me about a year to dump him. He asked for another chance and has been absolutely amazing for a year. All of the issues we had (communication, making time for each other) have evaporated because he has decided to be awesome. I don’t really know what made him change and the therapist said she is deeply skeptical and has tasked me with finding out. I feel like this exercise is regressive and just generally like revisiting this would lead to me sliding back into this awful place where my relationship made me miserable. Anyway, her parting words to me were that she can tell I am “a person who suffers great emotional pain.” Not wholly untrue, but I almost feel like this therapy approach is going to make me feel depressed rather than unburdened and in control. Gosh, I’m rambling now. I guess I am wondering if this is good for me – like a deep tissue massage that hurts after but ultimately you feel great or if this therapist is just going to introduce negativity in my life by reopening wounds that I’ve healed from. Any thoughts?

    1. Find another therapist. The best therapists I’ve ever had didn’t reach conclusions about me or make judgments about me. To say “You’re emotionally immature” to a patient after one session is a non-starter. I wouldn’t give this person another dollar or minute of your time.

       1. +1 SOOOO much this. I have had a variety of therapists due to moving a lot and not a single one of them has made a judgment call like that. While I can certainly feel exhausted following a session that was particularly deep and brought me to make my own conclusions about how I was handling things in my life, I have never had a therapist make me feel worse about who I was/what I was doing and if I had, it would have been the last time I spoke with them.

       2. +2 Find a new therapist. Therapy needs to be a safe, nonjudgmental space for you to examine your concerns. The therapist should not be labeling you.

          15 years ago, I had short-term therapy with a trainee who told me “there was not enough love in your family.” Those words still sting today, and kept from seeking needed therapy for a very long time.

          Therapy might sometimes make you feel worse when you’ve uncovered challenging material, but not because of judgement, more because of ‘wow, these are big issues to work on.’

    2. I have been to several therapists over the course of 10+ years and I can safely say this is why I’ve always hated therapy. It just makes me feel worse. You could try a different therapist and see if a different approach helps. Don’t be afraid to shop around.

    3. Try a different therapist, because her delivery sucks, but I do kind of wonder if she’s onto something with your b/f – people don’t just magically decide to be awesome after being terrible for a year, and it’s a little bit weird to me that you’re so comfortable with “welp, he’s awesome now, so all is well” without asking even a single question of him about how that came about.

       1. +1

       2. +1

          1. Insulting your clients is no way to begin a relationship. Therapy is for the issues YOU want to work on. Therapists can be terribly abusive too. BYE FELICIA!!!

    4. Just think of it like this. There are lots of people in fashion and some make jackets like posted later today and some make skirts like this one. It’s subjective. I feel a little better after every therapy session or at least I have something to work on.

       Mine does make me angry every now and then but then he’s always right. Could be the same with the boyfriend. And if you can’t explore how you got here, how do you know he won’t just magically change back to being a doosh? Mine will also ask about stuff I do not want to talk about. (like how’s your sister. I don’t want to talk about her. I want to talk about my mean boss and stupid boyfriend, etc.) But sometimes he asks about stuff I wouldn’t have initially talked about and then I check in with that part of myself.

       I don’t think you should stop altogether but maybe look into cognitive behavioral therapy or a different type of treating provider if you find a few different psychologists or counselors of the same type rub you the wrong way. It could be an approach issue. I am someone who wants homework. How can I fix this or what should I do to make myself better at X? I went to a counselor once who just listened and then ended it. Asked questions but I was like WTF…

22. I just need some support. I’ve been working my way up at my firm for 10 years and my boss was just promoted to head of our department a couple months ago. He knows I want his old position but he’s leaving it vacant. He has told others that no one has earned it. Meanwhile I keep getting more and more work and I know I am great at my job. I get that we are never thanked in this field but I just feel squeezed in middle management. The people I manage complain up and he complains down. I’ve been looking for a new job for months, and I got my hopes up when he took over that it would get better and I would move up. I feel so stuck! I’ve been looking for anything else – even going back to my college job as a bank teller. I feel really down and my anti-depressant isn’t working this time. My anxiety is making my heart pound at night and I just want to cry…so not very professional right now. My husband has been encouraging me to go talk to my boss but I’ve done that in the past and it hasn’t helped.

    1. Can you schedule a meeting with your boss and ask him one question: “What do you need to see from me to feel that I have earned the position?” And then sit and wait. If he hems and haws, make him answer the question. “What exactly do I need to do to get this promotion?” Leave it very open-ended, no yes or no questions, and don’t end the meeting with him saying “Oh I’m thinking about it and evaluating.” Once you get an answer that’s actually measurable, end the meeting, go back to your office, and start putting together a document of how you’ve already accomplished all of those things or how you plan to accomplish them.

       If you can’t get any traction with that approach, keep looking for a new job! Eventually one will come along and you can jump out of middle management h3ll!

    2. Time to move on! Your boss is a jerk. You deserve better. Make sure you’re not taking on too much work (leave on time, if you can) and shut the complainers down. Make sure you’re getting some exercise (even a easy walk) and don’t be afraid to do it midday. Take care of you, since your boss certainly isn’t.

       1. Are things better at other places or am I naive in thinking that going to another firm is a good idea? Maybe I’ve been here too long but I’m so worried that it’s the same everywhere, especially now that so many places are doing more with less and moving jobs to cheaper locations.

23. Assuming you are highly likely to pass the background check and interview – can you go through pre-check lines the same day you have your appointment or is there a delay between having your appointment and getting the pre-check benefits? I’ve heard varying accounts.

    1. My experience is with Global Entry, but there was only about a half hour to hour lag from walking out of my interview to my status changing online and getting the confirmation e-mail. You’ll need the known traveler ID in your flight itinerary before you check in though, so if you’re planning to go to the airport for your interview and stay there until your flight, don’t check in online beforehand. (I’ve had success once getting them to “un-check” me in, input the number, and redo it, but there was no line behind me so they were willing to try, and the agent seemed very knowledgeable. She said it only works some of the time. I wouldn’t count on it in the future and would just wait to check in).

       Not sure if there’s a card with just precheck, but Global Entry has a membership card that you never actually need to go through security or customs. That takes about a week to arrive, and it’s not necessary to wait for it to start using Precheck/GE.

       1. You definitely need to present your Global Entry card when you’re clearing US customs at Toronto Pearson before flying to the States. They will not let you in the Global Entry line without it.

          1. I just did Global Entry appt about a month ago. They gave me a paper the same day with my number that said I’d been approved, and told me I could use that until my card arrived in the mail. Whether that’d actually work is a different story, but they told me that.

    2. Definitely a delay. They say it can take anywhere from 2 weeks to 30 days. My experience was having the appointment on a Friday and getting approved on Monday.

    3. Definitely not. You need your known traveler number and you get that in the mail a few weeks after the appointment.

    4. Do Global Entry, not TSA pre. Trust me. It’s only like $15 more expensive and the experience is so much faster. I didn’t do it because I didn’t know about it and it ended up taking 4 months for the TSA to process my application (because they didn’t get good enough fingerprints from me). My mom did Global Entry and her application was processed same-day.

       There’s no card with precheck – you put in your “known traveler ID” when you’re booking your ticket or printing your boarding pass.

       1. +1.

          I have GE though and had no idea there was a card? I’ve used it a couple times and just walk to the kiosks like I know what I’m doing (while everybody else gets shuttled to the customs line… better them than me)

          1. GE card is optional.

       2. The downside of global entry vs. precheck is you have to do an interview, which is fine if you live in a city where they do them, but might be difficult if you do not, so check locations. There are more locations to get fingerprinting for Precheck than there are global entry interview locations.

          1. It just means you need to book further ahead to coincide with planned travel to a city that has a global entry interview office. I am a US citizen and this is what I did when I got my NEXUS (Canadian for Global Entry) card so that I could clear Canadian customs quickly – piggybacked off a planned work trip and did the interview at the airport.

             1. I should have clarified that I am a US citizen and resident – and therefore eligible for NEXUS.

    5. I was told you can get it about a week later online. You definitely don’t want out of the appt with the Known Traveler Number.

       1. You can actually pull your known traveler ID off the Global Entry application site (not sure about Precheck since I haven’t done that application) before you’re even approved. It’s the “PASS ID” and it will show up once your initial app was approved to move on to the interview phase. I don’t think the number is added to the database of actual known travelers until final post-interview approval is processed, so someone waiting on an interview couldn’t enter this number on their flight details and get early Precheck, but I never actually tested that. You definitely don’t have to wait to know what the number is though.

          1. I think your number is supposed to be entered 72 hours in advance of your flight. Remember precheck is sadly never guaranteed.

             They definitely circled the number on my print out and told me that was my KTN going forward after my interview. For anybody who lives in DC, highly recommend the downtown location (in the CBP building) – I took the first appointment of the day and was out in 10 minutes.

24. What’s the proper way to refer to someone’s long term live in significant other (opposite genders, just not married) if you don’t know his name? Boyfriend sounds kind of juvenile and fleeting. They live like they are married. I actually didn’t know they weren’t married until this awkward conversation ensued. They are friend of friends. I now know his name so it shouldn’t happen again. We were at a group dinner and all about to sit down and I realized that they would end up seating apart due to the number of chairs left. My husband could switch seats with her and then the two of them could sit across from each other and my husband and I could still sit next to each other.

    To the woman, I said “do you want to switch seats so you can sit across from your husband?” The restaurant was really loud and she laughed and said “my what??” And I realized then they weren’t married and said ummm, do you want to switch so you can sit across from him? And just motioned to the guy.

    So, if you didn’t know whether someone was married or not in that situation and you didn’t know the guys name, what word would you use in place of husband?

    1. Partner. Or, in that situation, “him” or “your date.”

       1. +1 to “partner“. I use it to refer to the other half of any couple of any combination of genders. It`s vague enough that if people are actually close friends they often still don`t feel the need to correct me, but there`s no risk of insulting someone by calling their husband or lover or whatever their “friend“.

    2. “Let’s switch seats so you two (motion with hands) can sit across from each other”.

       1. Ha, this is so the correct answer. Definitely a situation where “y’all” works perfectly. “Do y’all want to sit together? We can switch seats.”

    3. Partner, maybe? I’d maybe say spouse, even if they’re not married. But really, that’s not on you. Plenty of people said “your husband” when I was still dating my (now) husband. I never made anything of it and I never called people out on it. What does it matter?
       I have friends who are in a similar situation. Dating for 8+ years, but because of academic/professional complications, not yet engaged/married.
       She hates to be introduced as his girlfriend, because it makes them seem young and uncommitted, but she’s not his wife or fiance.
       At one party we went to he introduced her to people as “the love of my life” which was really adorable if you know the guy and kind of makes light of how silly it is to find the right word to describe the relationship you’re in when you’re introducing someone to a stranger.

       1. Why can’t he just introduce her by name? It always makes me squirm when people try to come up with creative terms to define their relationships with non-spouse significant others. “Partner” is particularly icky because it sounds so … physical. Just introduce the person. As I get to know you, it will quickly become apparent whether you live together, and calling the person “partner” doesn’t definitively tell me that anyway.

          1. That’s a fair question, but probably for the same reason I introduce my parents to people as “my mom, Jane” and “my dad, John.” Because people like to know what the relationships are and who is connected to whom. Also, maybe as a show of respect for the person you’re introducing? Like, “this is my boss, Bob.”

    4. Partner.

       1. I feel like this sounds slightly awkward among a close group of friends, but is quite appropriate for a formal introduction. (Just IMO)

       2. My now husband would refer to me as his partner. Then when people met me they were surprised I wasn’t a dude.

          1. +1 I refer to my husband as my partner, and he has a name that is a pretty common short-form for girls as well, so a lot of people are surprised to learn I`m heterosexual when they meet him.

    5. DH and I have friends in this situation and we use “would you like to sit next to your other half?” … which is the best we could come up with.

    6. Partner or significant other?

    7. It’s partner. My wonderful husband who attends a number of diversity and inclusion conferences for his job always tells me what the appropriate nomenclature is for this stuff. “Partner” is actually generally more accepted for all forms of serious relationships now (according to him) because it’s more inclusive.

       1. Yes, partner works for all types of relationships and is less hetero-normative.

          1. This reminds me of the time my mom introduced my brother and his girlfriend as “Brother and his partner” and my then 22 year old brother said “Mom, we’re not gay!”

    8. I’m purposefully not married to my man of over 15 years (and don’t intend to be). We use partner. Many people say husband, and depending on who and the situation I may or may not correct them.

       1. Same. I generally don’t correct them. I don’t care. (But I recognize that it is my decision to decide that I do not care – someone else might care and that’s their decision for them.)

    9. I’m laughing at this because I would totally do the same thing. I would probably have said, “Er, I mean, your boyfriend.” “Partner” doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue, so I’m stuck with saying boyfriend or just avoiding titles altogether.

       FWIW, if I meet a couple and know they are living together and have children, I assume they are married. I don’t feel embarrassed if they correct me with, “Oh, we’re not married.” I just kind of absorb it, smile, and move on. I don’t agree with their choice and I wouldn’t be happy in that situation, but it’s not my business and no one needs to feel awkward about it.

       1. Why does it matter that you don’t agree with their choice?

          Partner is not like hard to say. Get over your judgyness and get used to it, because yes, when you are actually judging them and then using boyfriend they can tell.

          1. I don’t agree with their choice, and I’m allowed to have that opinion. I’m not smirking, giving them the side eye, or being rude. I’m assuming a couple with children are married because that’s the norm, and correcting myself when they tell me otherwise.

             If they feel judged by that, well, we’re not likely to be friends anyway. And why should my opinion matter to them?

             1. You can certainly have the opinion, but would you say the same if they were gay or mixed race instead of not married and feel like it’s not a bit rude/judgmental/wrong?

             2. To the Anon above me, gay couples often use the terms husband and wife, so I’m not sure that example applies. Everyone that argues for the term partner (which has so many possible contexts) as less hetero-normative seems to dismiss the fact that gay married couples also use the terms husband/wife.

             3. Out of curiosity, do you make the same assumption, and with the same moral judgment, if the couple in question comes from a country/culture where long-term coupling and children without marriage is more common? Or is this exclusively directed towards Americans (which i am assuming is where you are located based, well, on my own assumptions).

             4. I’m pro-marriage / pro-family (including gay and mixed race marriages). I’m not a fan of society pushing for people to fluidly move in and out of relationships, as if that doesn’t leave a trail of heartbreak behind.

             5. So is it problematic to you that in many Scandinavian countries people cohabitate, have children, and stay together as family units (minus marriage)? Or is that okay because they aren’t fluidly moving in and out of the relationship and leaving a trail of heartbreak behind despite the lack of a marriage certificate?

             6. Are Scandinavian women overjoyed when the father of their children finally decides to propose? Do they gush to everyone and whip out their Pinterest board because like Cinderella, they patiently waited and their dream finally came true? Here in America, it’s pretty common.

             7. But long-term partners don’t necessarily move fluidly in and out of relationships. And, as my aunt on her fifth marriage proves, marriage certainly doesn’t guarantee a strong family. Do you also equally negatively judge divorcés, or just save your disdain for the unmarried?

             8. I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make, here. Excitement about planning a big party is not determinative of long-term relationship success. Don’t confuse the two.

             9. If marriage isn’t important, then why are people still doing it? Why are gay couples fighting for it? Why celebrate grandparents who have been married for over 50 years? Why are girls (and women on this site) still hoping for it?

                It’s a public declaration of commitment (whether the couple succeeds or divorces is yet to be known) and it’s important. Whether it’s a huge religious ceremony or some locally recognized tradition, it’s always been important. It’s meant to be permanent. Families are meant to be permanent. The fact that we don’t even have an English term for couples choosing to live together without marriage means marriage has always been the norm.

             10. Jax, marriage is still considered something to fight for because of the legal protections it affords and because *some* people do feel it has personal meaning. Some people don’t feel it has any meaning for them (honestly, I was very comfortable never being married, but my husband very much wanted to. Since I love him and it would tie up legal loose ends, we got married). I know of four couples that have been together longer than my 30+ years on this planet, who all have wonderful, stable family lives.

                 I get the feeling that you think that all heterosexual, unmarried, long-term couples are comprised of a man who won’t commit and a woman who’s had her wedding Pinterest board at the ready for years. That’s definitely not the case in plenty of circumstances, and your pity and condescension is unnecessary. It’s a life choice that has NO BEARING on you. Do you also feel the same disagreement with people who choose to have a different number of children than you?

                 I don’t agree that “marriage has always been the norm”. That’s… not entirely true, certainly not across all cultures, places, and time periods; and that definitely isn’t a good argument for continuing or defending ANY practice.

                 We have plenty of terms for couples choosing to live together and/or be in it for the long haul: cohabitation, (life) partners, significant others, FAMILY… people are just stuck in the conversation above because most of the terms (though not the practice!) are newer and they sound a bit clinical.

          2. I think that the difference is that you can have whatever opinions you want but if you treat people differently because of your opinion, that’s rude.

             And no people with kids being married is actually not the norm.

    10. Sometimes I wonder if my fiancé proposed to me so I would change his name in my phone from “Man Who Lives in My House” …

        1. Before we got engaged, we jokingly used “Paramour.” But yea, society needs to collectively come up with a new term for this now-common arrangement, because “partner” isn’t always clear, especially when (as in our case) you’re both lawyers or other professionals–partner at firm? life partner?

           1. For myself, I only have three descriptors for men with whom I am friendly and to whom I am not related by blood: “Friend,” “Fiance,” and “Husband.”

              I love “Paramour.”

              In the OP’s situation I’d probably have said “date,” but I love the work-around of “let me move so you can sit together.”

              1. I struggled with how to introduce my long-term boyfriend (now-fiancé) to, say, my boss at a formal function. I settled on, “This is HisName,” and just left it there.

              2. Yes. Right up until we were engaged, I introduced him as “my friend, Firstname Lastname.”

           2. Not a lawyer, but I worked closely with a guy for many years and always referred to him as my “partner” (although I suppose colleague would have worked too). I had a few awkward conversations where people thought we were dating…

              1. This. As a partner in a mid-size law firm, I use the term partner regularly, but I’m not talking about my SO. I know partner means many things, but to me it sounds cold in the romantic context.

        2. We say “domestic partner” because we are actually registered as such. We even greet each other that way sometimes when we come home. “Hello, Domestic Partner!” “Oh hi, Other Domestic Partner!”

           1. This is adorable!

    11. In social groups where marriage is less of a norm, the default is often to say your man or your woman. Leaving aside the issue of identity if neither of those apply, I actually like this and my friends and I often use it. Otherwise I try to avoid the awkwardness by just rephrasing as in above examples.

        1. Yeah, I think I’d say partner if being formal, or your guy if it’s more relaxed.

    12. This is an interesting article on this topic:

        1. http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013/10/fianc_s_today_when_boyfriend_doesn_t_cut_it_but_husband_isn_t_accurate.html

    13. Slam piece. Final answer.

        1. Love this!

25. Friend.

    1. grr… in reply to Linguistically Challenged.

    2. That would offend me 100x more than husband would offend me.

       1. Yea, I read too quickly what was being asked :)

       2. I think it’s good for describing one’s own relationship if one so chooses. Notsomuch for others.

26. I want to add a good AHA product to my skincare regime. I’ve heard Paula’s Choice is good. Any favourites among the Hive?

27. how do you guys deal with being off your A game at work? My nerves got the best of me and I recently bombed the LSAT and it brought down my confidene a bit. Its been showing at work all week which is making me even more anxious. Any tips on not letting my nerves get the best of me in stressful situations in work and in life in general??

    1. Repeat after me as applicable:

       “My test score is not a determinant of my value as an employee, person, student, future lawyer etc.”

       “Losing my job is not an indication that I’m less valuable.”

       “Making mistakes at work isn’t fatal – it’s an indication that I’m human. Resolving to do better next time – and finding a way to make that happen – is the right thing to do.”

       I think, for me, I have to internalize these sayings.

28. Not money related but thought you smart people could help me decide what is reasonable here.

    My in-laws live 7 hours away and my mother lives 4 hours away. My husband averages 50 hours weeks and I work 3 days per week (about 24 hrs/week). We have 14 month old twin boy. Everyone told me that the grandparents come out of the woodwork when grandchildren are born and man is it true. My in-laws visit on average every 6 weeks for usually about 4 days, 3 nights. They are extremely helpful when they come to visit. My FIL is the “can’t sit down type” so he is always helping my husband plant trees in the backyard or mow the lawn, etc. My MIL is very active and is always up to take the boys to the park or swimming with me and is eager to help make dinner. She always changes the sheets on the guest bed before she leaves so that I don’t have to worry about it. They are just very thoughtful people.

    In the beginning my mom was visiting one weekend per month, which was fine with me. But over the last 3-4 months it’s been creeping up to 2X per month. When she visits she sleeps in until 9 or 10 am, then she lounges around in her pajamas on the couch reading a magazine for a few hours. She’ll usually take a shower around 2 pm and spend 1.5 hours getting dressed and doing her hair (where are we going?). I suggest a walk and she looks at me like, do we have to? She has a history of substance abuse and depression. She knows my expectations about our house (no drinking, no drugs) and I’ve not suspected her of doing those things when she’s at our house. She knows that if she does she will be asked to immediately leave (but that’s a whole ‘nother post). We have never left the boys with her alone (in case anyone has red flags flying). She asks what’s for dinner and expects me to go pick up food or make something. I love her, she’s my mom, but sometimes by the end of day 2 I’m ready for her to leave and then I feel terrible. Who WANTS their own mother to leave? She doesn’t have a lot of friends….mostly because she locks herself in her house and watches tv when she isn’t working. I think she comes to see the boys but also because she’s lonely and she just wants some company which makes me sad.

    My mom last visited on 5/7, we had the weekend of 5/14 to ourselves, my in-laws come today (5/19) until Monday. My mom asked me a couple nights ago if she could visit Memorial weekend (next weekend). That means we’ll have guests 3 out of 4 weekends this month. Weekends are our only family time as my husband typically works 8 to 6 pm M-F. What do I do here??? HHEEELLLPPP!

    1. All of my family is local so I don’t have the overnight guest issue, but I know what you mean about too much parents/in-law time. My dad is always asking for more time with the baby. My mom’s offers of help are typically unhelpful. My in-laws (who are generally great) have their own annoyances. And sometimes it’s 3 out of 4 weekends with at least 1 visit.

       I have found that it’s perfectly fair to say, “that weekend doesn’t work for us” or “we need a quiet weekend that weekend” and propose a different weekend.

    2. I’m not in the same situation, but I have a parent who would gladly suck up every free moment I have for parent’s amusement/companionship/whatever. The best control I ever came up with was proactively scheduling things – basically, in your shoes, I’d pick a weekend once every 5-6 weeks that works for your family, invite your mom over for that weekend with specific limitations (“Hey mom, why don’t you come over on Saturday morning and stay with us Saturday night on ::insert weekend here::?” Then, when she’s with you on her visit, “hey, we’ve been getting busier as a family with the boys getting older, so I think it makes sense for us to pencil in your next visit now – does ::weekend 5ish weeks from now:: work for you?”).

       Once you’ve got the next weekend on the books, you’ve got a built-in hedge against visit-creep – when she asks to schedule a visit, it’s going to be a lot easier for you to say no (and for her to hear it) without guilt if it’s “no, like I said, that weekend doesn’t work, that’s why we figured you’d stay with us ::other weekend:: instead.”

    3. Just lie and tell her that you have plans for that weekend.

       1. Plans to spend time with your family, just you, totally count as plans. I tell people I have plans when said plans are for me time to recuperate from work/exhaustion/too much social activity.

    4. Can you ask her for help when she’s staying with you? “Hey mom, would you mind helping me put the boys’ laundry away tomorrow?” Or “Mom, any chance you could make dinner tomorrow night?”. Say it casually, like it’s a normal thing to ask (it kind of is when it’s your mom). Maybe she’ll start to get the idea?

    5. This is a great opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries.

    6. I definitely want my own mother to leave sometimes. My mom is local and will drive in sometimes in the afternoon (around 3), and for traffic-related reasons won’t leave until 7pm. I’m like basically tying her shoes for her at that point.

       Two suggestions: proactively schedule visits, and then hold the line when she tries to spontaneously visit; and, just because she lounges around until 1pm doesn’t mean you have to – get out and go do something with your family. Tell her the night before that you’re going to the diner for breakfast at 10 and then to the park, she’s welcome to come and if not you’ll see her when you get back.

    7. Can you just ask her to help out more, as if she were a contributing member of the household? If she doesn’t want to, it might discourage the frequent visits, and otherwise it would give her something to do. Like, hey mom, can you load the dishwasher/chop the veggies/wipe off the table/run to the store while I am doing x?

    8. I think your mother and my MIL may be the same person. Our strategy was to allow her to visit us once after the baby was born and just accept that we were going to be waiting on her hand and foot during that visit. Then we made it very clear that from then on we’d be visiting her, not the other way around. We scheduled visits far in advance so she’d have something to look forward to, and always stayed at a hotel or with other family.

    9. We are lucky that inlaws and parents are helpful, but if I were you, I’d tell your mum that you’re not free that weekend.

29. Bought myself this as a “Done with law school FOREVER” present. Significantly more budget friendly than the $300 Fossil bag I wanted. Which might be my “BAR EXAM DONE” present. We’ll see.
    However, The Limited charged me for (and are sending me…?) two skirts. Anyone have experience with their customer service?

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