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I have a number of M.M. LaFleur dresses in my closet that were in regular rotation prior to the pandemic. Now that things have taken a decidedly more casual turn, I've been looking through some of their other offerings and am loving these ankle-length pants.
This garnet color is gorgeous (also available in a blazer if you want a full suit), the tailoring is perfect, and they're machine washable. Doesn't get much better than that! They also come in 14 other colors/patterns, some of which are deeply discounted.
The pants are $225 and available in sizes 0P–16. The Mejia Pant
NB: If you're an M.M. LaFleur fan, check out their “Last Call” section for some great deals on lucky sizes/colors. I just picked up some pants and a top for over 50% off.
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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Ellen
Elizabeth, these are very beautiful pants, and I sincerely hope that I will be able to get back into pants like these after the pandemic. For now, it’s strictly sweat pants around the apartement, and A-line dresses at work. All for a very obvious reason: I have put on 15 pounds in the last 10 months, most around the wasteline and tuchus, tho my arms are also flabbier then they have ever been before. I am looking more like my mother did when I was in High School. Dad says that is to be expected. I am not sure why Rosa still is so svelte. I supose it is b/c she does not work and has time for a personal trainer as well as Peloton. Ed is getting fat around the waste also as well as loosing his hair, so I hope the kids don’t wind up looking like him. FOOEY!
Myrna is coming over tonite and we are cooking up some Chicken Franceais! YAY!
Anon
I have switched to fleece-lined Eddie Bauer hiking pants and fleece-lined Athleta leggings, so no pants for me until it is MUCH warmer.
I was thinking about Kamala Harris and fashion the other day. She is usually on Team Suit (Pants) (vs Team Skirt Suit or Team Dress). Tropical weight wool is not that warm. DC is not that cold but damp. She cannot wear a puffer coat or fleece tights.
I feel like guys can easily layer long johns or a base layer but that doesn’t work for formal women’s attire. Are there heaters of some sort?
And I guess no innaugural ball, so no pretty gowns to look at.
Anon
Kate Middleton does this with some lovely dress coats. Maybe Kamala can find one of those.
Anon
I never know if one is supposed to wear a winter coat over the suit jacket in winter, or take the suit jacket off and somehow transport it to the office and put it on there? It is so bulky to wear the coat over the suit!
Anonymous
Men wear topcoats over their suit jackets, so I’ve always done the same. But really, this is one reason I prefer sheath dresses with sleeves and avoid suits.
Anon
I am 5-4, 130#, with narrow shoulders. My winter coat is a size L so that it will fit over winter gear. I have one Kate Middleton fitted coat and it will only fit over a dress. I hate having to have a coat wardrobe (also: short puffer, rain coat, other random things things acquired over the years), but I am either the Michelin Man or svelte; I got tired of either being cold or having things not button.
Cat
My suit jackets all live at the office for this reason. I wear them only occasionally, and purchasing a coat designed to fit over a blazer means that 95% of the time it will be too big.
Anonymous
I buy my heaviest winter coats and long trench coats big enough to layer over suit jackets, just like the guys do. Cut out the tags if sizing up so you can stay warm gives you agita.
Ses
+1
Anonymous
Over the suit jacket
Lyssa
I wear a wool peacoat over a suit jacket. It’s not the best, but it works. I think women can wear a base layer under pants, too, as long as it’s a thin-ish one. I’ve been cutting the feet off of old tights to wear under pants, which works pretty well.
Anon
I wear fleece lined leggings (usually Uniqlo) under my dress pants when I know that I have to move from place to place during the day. Not sure if Kamala could do that with body armor, though.
No Face
I actually think dressing warmly with formal clothing is fairly easy. I wear fleece lined tights under suit pants and dresses alike. Base layer + sweater under the blazer instead of a blouse. Warm scarf, gloves, and fleece ear coverings that can be removed.
My warmest coats are utilitarian-looking, but I’ve read that you can get flannel and other warm stuff into the lining of dress coats.
Anon
To me, even black tights with black shoes read not-most-formal (and TBH really artsy/informal). I think she should take a page from Condoleeza Rice and wear heeled boots under a fantastic long coat and that way any underlayers will not be visible.
arlene
What type of shoe are you thinking of here? If you can wear the type of short, low heeled boots many women wear with suits then . . no one is going to see your tights anyways.
No Face
Black tights and black shoes is pretty standard for the winter in my jurisdiction, so I think of it as formal. Very different than a truly formal event like an inauguration though!
Anon
I think it’s fine in day-to-day things, but not The Most Formal, which getting inaugurated would be.
Ugh. Fashion may make fun things marginally more fun, but they make serious things so much more work. So many things to decide. So easy to freeze or be uncomfortable (heels! spanx!).
I do think that the BRF has a slight edge here over us, especially among women. [For the military among us: are there women’s dress uniforms with pants? Or are they stuck with shirts and (hopefully) hose? But then also in heels? [And are there rules for heels].]
Anon
Panythose under dress pants are surprisingly warm and non-bulky.
Anonymous
I expect she will have thin tights under her pants, and dressy wool coat but no suit blazer when outside as she’ll likely be wearing body armour.
Anon
I think Spanx is insulating – it’s like a base layer to me. Not that women should feel obligated to wear spanx, but many wear them with formal attire. I also used wear tights under my jeans years ago when it was very cold – worked a treat.
Ribena
I’d love to see a video of Doug Emhoff choosing a corsage for the ball. He’s such a dork (in a very sweet way)
Anon
I love him, he’s going to be amazing.
Anon
I have a bit of experience in this realm (several years of military ceremonial detail). With good tailoring, you can fit just about whatever you need within reason under a uniform/suit and it’ll look fine. Even with no modifications, simple pantyhose under trousers helps more than one might think (those were really the only option if we had to wear whites). Back in the day, I used to clear the Wal-Mart out of queen size pantyhose because the men in my unit didn’t want to be seen purchasing it. Tech long-underwear was an absolute godsend when it became affordable. Tons of warmth without as much bulk.
I think VP Harris can take some pages from the BRF’s fashion playbook if she wants to change things up a bit. Given the climate, they do cold-weather outside fashion better than anyone.
Anom
What is BRF?
Anonanonanon
I believe it’s British Royal Family.
Anonymous
Silk long underwear is my go-to, it’s thin for layering but surprisingly warm. You can also tuck a thin down layer under a dress coat (if you aren’t wearing a more functional vest).
Anon
I have two sets of silk long underwear in constant rotation. I will add a third set if I find a sale.
Pep
+1
I used to buy silk long johns for my XH – he was a cop with a walking beat in winter.
Anon
This. I love my LL Bean silk long underwear.
Anonymous
She can easily wear warm tights under pants. I’m sure she’ll cope with being cold to be inaugurated Vice President
Anon
To me, tights are always bulky when going into the toe end of a shoe. I’d wear hose if they are truly as warm as people here are saying as they look better on feet. Maybe tall heeled boots would be best (but that doesn’t seem to be her look).
Anon
The last thing anyone in DC should be wearing now is high heels – given what happened, I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to impractical footwear
Anon
I was thinking of something more in line with a Ferragamo Vara. Fat 1″ heel. Good for standing. Those seem almost standard-issue at Formal Things in DC.
Anon
I do envy guys for being able to wear tall wool socks and flat-heeled shoes. And pants that go all the way down. And shirts that are never too sheer or too shiny.
Anon
No reason we can’t do the same exact thing, ladies.
Anon
Anon @10:32 – yes! Thank you! We can also wear suits and flat shoes.
Anonymous
We can, but I’m not Katherine Hepburn so I look silly dressing in masculine clothes. I am sad about the whole shoe thing, but safety first. I liked wearing heels because they allowed me to see eye to eye with the men.
Anonymous
If you are bothered by tights in shoes, consider that you are just abnormally princess and the pea-ish about this.
Anon
FWIW, DC really isn’t that cold anymore. It’s 48 right now. It’s going to be a little colder tomorrow but still in the 40s. I know Harris is originally from California, but she has been in DC a while. She doesn’t need to be prepared for 20 weather.
Anonymous
40 isn’t bad if I’m moving around. But standing still, my ears will start hurting and eventually freeze. The rest of me will feel cold, getting uncomfortably so after a while. And you can’t get up and get moving.
Anon
I’ve been on several outdoor dining social distancing dates in Boston over the last few weeks, in the 30s and 40s. I wear silk long underwear, jeans, and knee high flat leather boots with wool socks on the bottom. On the top, I wear silk long underwear top, long sleeve t, cashmere sweater, and then my coat-either a puffer or knee length pea coat. Add a scarf and hat, and I’m super warm!
I imagine she could easily do something similar with a pantsuit instead of jeans and a blazer over the cashmere sweater.
Anonymous
Thanks for the tip, I just picked up a couple of inexpensive faux wrap jersey skirts for WFH and an inexpensive replacement for my very worn MMLF pleated trousers. Somehow their trousers end up working with everything in my closet and get a lot of reps.
anon
ooh, can you please link to the skirts?
Anonymous
The Minetta skirt.
j
Hi all – Any recs for good work out clothes for the peloton? I’m a size 16/18 and I’m looking for leggings that really won’t fall down and decent sports bras for DD+. Is Girlfriend Collective worth it? I like their size range and ethics (but does the website load soooooo slowly for anyone else?). Athleta? Any other recs? It’s been years since I bought new workout clothes so appreciate any ideas. Thanks!
Anon
I’m the same size as you and I love Gap’s athletic line. I wear their highrise blackout leggings exclusively. They stay up and they’re opaque. They come in black and fun colours as well, and various lengths. They also suck you in nicely. I’ve never done spinning but I assume they would work.
Cb
I do too. I have a pair that I must have worn weekly for the last 4 years, which included a pregnancy, and they still look great. Maybe just starting to pill a tiny bit, but really minimal.
Saguaro
+1 for the Gap athletic line. I am the same size as you and I find their items to be comfortable and fit well at this size. This size equals an XXL in their line.
AnonyMich
Related question – what is the difference between Athleta and Gap? Is there any for basics? What is better quality?
Anonymous
I’m a 34G and my favorite sports bra is the Panache Underwire 5021. It is UK sized, so check a sizing conversion table. If you have a larger band size, you might prefer Elomi’s sports bra; I think the Panache only goes up to 40. I use this for high impact activities; if you are not jumping/running it may be overkill. But it gives a great shape and is as supportive as anything I’ve tried. I’ve been wearing them for years!
Monte
34FF runner here and this is my only sports bra — I have a half dozen. They are the best.
Ribena
I like the Under Armour Multi Active sports br a! Very comfy and supportive.
For clothing, my favourite recent gym leggings and tees are all from the GoodMove range at Marks and Spencer, which I think ships to most places??
Ribena
Correction – it’s Shock Absorber, not under armour.
Anon
Same size as you and almost all my workout clothes are Old Navy Active. I have some Athleta but it’s overrated IMO. Old Navy workout gear lasts a long time, is comfortable and washes well. It’s 1/3 the cost of more expensive brands if bought on sale and they do seasonal updates with cute patterns and colors.
I cycle outside and not indoors so not sure if this is relevant to you. But if you need or want padding to make your rides more comfortable, you can get padded underwear that can be worn under any leggings. You don’t have to buy shorts or leggings with a chamois in them.
PolyD
Co-sign in the Old Navy active wear. Before the pandemic I mostly worked out indoors, and I run hot so I wore sleeveless tanks and bike shorts. This year I’ve been going for long walks outside so I needed some longer leggings. I’m 5’3” and around 133-135 lbs, I wear a size Medium in Old Navy leggings. No problems with them falling down, but I don’t run (I walk very fast, though).
I’ve also bought some long sleeve shirts from the activewear section at Gap Factory. I like those, too, they are warm but seem to breath better than a cotton t-shirt.
I tried a couple of Athleta leggings and they gave me terrible camel toe, much worse than Old Navy. I was kind of sad, because they were nice leggings. I can’t figure out why the CT happens with some leggings but not others.
Anon
I think athleta tends to be wider or longer in the waist – maybe that makes you pull them up higher, giving an undesired effect?
Anon
LOVE Old Navy’s powdersoft high rise leggings. They’re all I wear (and I work out probably 7-10 times a week, at least half of that is spinning (peleton app on a basic bike) or biking outside!)
mascot
Leggings with an actual drawstring work best for me on the bike. These can be annoyingly hard to find, especially when I am looking for the holy grail of drawstring/phone pocket/short enough for my 5’2″ self.
Anon
Athleta (has a lot of 7/8 length bottoms and actual petite ones)
No Face
I love the bras from She Fit. I’m a 34G and bought the 1LUXE sizes. Moving Comfort bras are also great, though they didn’t come in a G last time I bought them.
Anonymous
Re: Shefit
Heads up on Shefit for other 28 band women: if you genuinely need a 28 (or smaller) band, and are above a UK 28E in cupsize, Shefit is NOT for you. :)
I like the idea, and the quality feels good, but the smaller band ones are not even close to fitting for 28 band above E, the fabric at the bust is too small and low to cover or surround bust.
To OP:
Shock absorber have great sports bras (very tight bands!) , Panache, Freya and Bravissimo, too.
Blair Waldorf
I also love SheFit. I have never felt supported in a bra until then. I also like that they are adjustable (the band AND straps) for fluctuations in weight/workout/etc. I also nurse in mine but i don’t love it and try to avoid it.
Cb
I also love SheFit. I have never felt supported in a bra until then. I also like that they are adjustable (the band AND straps) for fluctuations in weight/workout/etc. I also nurse in mine but i don’t love it and try to avoid it.
LoudyTourky
High waisted Old Navy leggings of various lengths work super well for when I’m spinning
Anon
I have the same problem with leggings and have slowly transitioned to Nike running shorts which always stay up. Since I’m working out at home (also Peloton!), I don’t have to worry about being cold once I am warmed up. I was sick of being mid-sprint and feeling my leggings slip down.
Natori makes good sports bras. I’m a 32DD.
Anon
Can’t speak to their size range, but I really like the quality of Sweaty Betty and Athleta’s leggings. I won’t pay full price for either, though. Sweaty Betty always seems to have 20% off one of their leggings.
Ribena
Sweaty Betty’s largest size is about a UK 16-18. And they basically don’t stock it in their branches, which makes me angry.
Anon
I’m your size. I love Shefit bras. Total game changer! Plus, it is fully adjustable, so I can keep wearing it while losing weight. I don’t do Peloton, but I like Rainbeau Curves for workout clothes. I’m a 16 or 18W in normal clothes but wear a 14/16 in their sizing.
Anonymous
Frivolous discussion: Do you ever wear skirts or dresses at home?
In ordinary times I am an enthusiastic member of Team Dress for work, dress-up, and casual wear outside the house, but for some reason it feels odd to wear even a t-shirt dress at home. I think it’s because at home I am always chasing kids and dogs and bending over to clean or empty the dishwasher or toss in a load of laundry. Midi- and maxi-length dresses also get tangled in my rolling desk chair. As a result, the only time I’ve worn a dress in the past ten months was to a socially distanced outdoor meetup last summer, which I ended up regretting because the mosquitoes flew up it.
Anon
I often wore dresses during warm weather, but not at all since the temperature dropped.
NY CPA
+1 – I wore comfy casual dresses most of the summer but not now because my apartment is freezing most of the day. I find casual dresses even more comfortable than leggings because then I don’t have a waistband pushing against my stomach.
No Face
I wore t-shirt dresses when it was still warm, but I am freezing now.
Lyssa
Same. I’d much rather wear casual dresses or skirts then anything else, but I’ve never found a good way to wear them in the cold. I’m not willing to wear tights around the house (and I’ve never found leggings that look right with any dress I own).
Bonnie Kate
Same. Lots of dresses, especially t-shirt dresses, in the summer, never in the winter. However I don’t have kid so I’m not chasing them or bending over as often, or if I am I likely don’t have a little right behind me staring up my dress.
Anon
Never. I do love dresses and used to wear them every day for work in the warmer months, but I like to be super comfy and casual for WFH. I imagine this summer I’ll swap my leggings and joggers for athletic-type shorts.
Anonymous
Not all the time but I definitely have a few maxi dresses in rotation for the summer – tie. A knot to raise it up when the length annoys. Winter I do leggings and sweater or sweatshirt tunics/dresses a bit.
Anom
I haven’t worn a dress casually around the house or on the regular during the day since I had kids. Much more comfortable to run around after them in pants or shorts (in summer).
Anon
I used to before kids, back when I regularly shaved my legs. Mostly short jersey dresses. They did not require pants – super comfy.
Ribena
All the time! I love a casual dress with warm tights.
Anon
I wear skirt and dresses only when people die or get married. I’m not allowed to wear them at work, and have no desire to wear them off work.
Anon
Yes – I have a couple of Patagonia travel dresses that are the most comfortable things I own, are of a length that I can do anything without getting tangled or exposed and can be somewhat dressed up if needed. If I had to choose one article of clothing and get rid of everything else, this would be it.
Anonymous
Yes, team dress and skirt here. I buy pieces with skirts are knee length or midi length, and have stretch or an A-line silhouettes, nothing flowy or maxi.
Jeffiner
Yes, I find skirts and dresses far more flattering and comfortable than pants or shorts.
Anon
Before the pandemic, my regular work attire was a dress but now I just wear leggings and a shirt to work from home. I was actually just looking at dresses online – just curious since I haven’t bought one in so long!
Anon
Absolutely not, and I don’t have kids. I refuse to wear a bra at home (and I’m DD) so I pretty much always wear tank top with comfy sweatshirt + relaxing leggings/jogger style pants at home.
anon
I have exactly one sweatshirt dress that I wear with leggings during winter. I move around way too much to wear dresses at home; it’s psychologically very uncomfortable for me!
Gail the Goldfish
I wear casual dresses at home in the summer a lot. They’re more comfortable than shorts to me.
emeralds
Same. Tights bug me, though, so they’re put away for now.
anon
Same. I have a lot of the Old Navy jersey swing dresses. I don’t own any shorts except for sleepwear. I hate finding tops to go with shorts, so dresses it is
LaurenB
No, never. I’m always sprawled out with my legs crossed underneath me in some fashion.
Cb
I am Team Dress for work, and honestly, have only worn a dress a few times since March. I do have a sort of tunic thing that I put on over leggings, but otherwise, leggings over here. I’m on the floor, in the garden, on a bike with a toddler so would rather destroy my workout clothes than my work/nice things.
Thanks, it has pockets!
As a matter of fact, yes! Not so much in the winter, unless I really wanna look cute for some silly reason, but in the spring and summer, I’m so much more comfortable in a midi cotton dress than pants and a t-shirt, or even shorts and a t-shirt. I really love the summer cotton dresses from LL Bean, and highly recommend them.
Anon
I wear skirts and dresses in the summer if the mood strikes me because I like them and they are nice and cool, but I am definitely not pulling on tights for WFH
Anon
In the summer, I almost exclusively wear dresses when not in athleisure (which is a lot). I have sun dresses and “athletic” dresses that I wear on weekends or got wfh and then nicer dresses in the office. n the winter, I don’t really wear them at home because I get too cold (and I’m not about to wear tights at home). I went into work last week and was SO EXCITED to wear a dress; I couldn’t tell you the last time I’ve gone this long without wearing one
Anon
I used to wear dresses almost every day to work. Now that I’m WFH, I never wear them, even in the summer. It is just easier to wear shorts or leggings.
Sperm donor
Someone posted the other day that they used a sperm donor- anyone have experience with this or can you recommend companies? I’m starting to research. I would like to see pictures but maybe that’s not common.
Veronica Mars
There was a great article in the NYT about this recently. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/08/business/sperm-donors-facebook-groups.html
Anon
That is fascinating, thanks for sharing.
Anonymous
That article was fascinating and horrifying all at once. I think I’ll try to stay blissfully unaware of that world going forward.
Anon
There was a NYT article on Sunday, 1/10 about sperm donors, shortages, etc. Worth looking at that. When I decided to go the single parent route, my OB called someplace and had them send me a list of available donors (obviously not names, but height, educational level, etc.). I ended up going in different direction, so I cannot speak to the actual experience.
Anon
I am about to begin an IVF cycle using a donor – in my case, I am a lesbian. I decided that it would be best for me to find a donor through a bank, instead of using a known donor. I am located in Canada. In Canada donors cannot be financially compensated (at least, not legally), so there isn’t as much incentive to become a donor except for purely altruistic reasons. For this reason, Canadians have limited choice within Canada (only one Canadian bank) and often work instead with banks in the States. As a Canadian, the banks that I could choose to import from included Seattle, Xyrtec, and Fairfax. I went with Fairfax in the end. Availability depends on a number of factors. From my experience with Fairfax only, I can tell you – 1) the pandemic seems to have really had an impact on availability. 2) if you have particular requirements due to your CMV status, a genetic condition, RH factor (your doctor will help you assess whether these are important in your case), you can expect availability to be greatly reduced. 3) if you want lifetime (adult) photos, instead of just baby photos (standard for all donors), availability will be greatly reduced 4) more and more donors have expanded genetic carrier screening for around 288 conditions – most ARE carriers for at least one condition, and if you want one who isn’t this greatly reduces availability. You can mitigate this by getting carrier screening yourself, which would allow you confidence to go forward with a donor who is a carrier.
Fairfax’s website was easy to navigate and I found they were responsive to my inquiries and also shipped promptly. I found a lot of the descriptions of the donors got sort of repetitive and same-y…like they all made the donors sound like such exceptional people – which maybe they are? I dunno. I did like many of the reports offered, though, where I could dig into personal details myself, instead of staff impressions, like the 3-generation medical history. Compared to other banks I found the format of the information easy to navigate.
Also, there is a cost difference between types of vials – so washed versus unwashed versus ICSI. Washed is most expensive I believe. If there are any other questions I would be happy to offer the insight I have, with the caveat that it’s totally anecdotal and limited to my own recent personal experience.
Anon
Oh, I should say that you can literally filter for almost any characteristic on the Fairfax website – skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, height, whether the donor is “anonymous” or not (NOTE it is practically an impossibility that any donor is truly “anonymous” anymore, keep that in mind), educational attainment, blood type, whether donor has had expanded genetic screening, etc. etc. But, the more factors you are specific about, and the more “popular” those factors are, the less the availability. You would think that everyone wants the 6’2 model, professional athlete donor. But for me, in the end, I actually ended up choosing a donor who seemed like someone I actually would’ve realistically gone on a date with in real life and shares some of the qualities that I most admire in myself.
Sperm donor
Thank you, this is really helpful.
Anon
This all sounds very similar to our experience in Canada, though we imported sperm from Xytex instead of Fairfax.
Anon
Also, something to consider is whether you want your kid to be able to contact the donor at some point. We went with an Open ID donor (more expensive), but means that the donor has agreed that when our kids turn 18 they will be able to contact him.
Anonanonanon
This was important to us too!
Anonanonanon
May have been me! We used two—Xyrtec (for failed IUIs) and ultimately Seattle Sperm Bank for successful IVF in 2018. It was important for us to have a donor that would be open to contact when our child was old enough. Also looked at Fairfax. From what I recall all of these banks provided access to photos (at least childhood), audio files, and questionnaires, although you might have had to pay for some access. If you start researching you’ll learn this area is not very regulated in the US, which isn’t great. But it’s what we ended up doing. I looked at a lot of info on Donor Sibling Registry to get a better idea of reputable banks. Also cannot recommend Reddit’s infertility sub enough; there may be donor specific subs too. We decided not to use Xyrtex for IVF due to some concerning reports about that bank I can’t recall now, but anyway, do the research you can. It’s tough and a minefield.
Anonanonanon
Ugh, my longer comment may be stuck in mod. Short story is might’ve been me. We used Xyrtex and Seattle Sperm Bank. Also looked at Fairfax. Resources to consider when researching are the Donor Sibling Registry.
Anonanonanon
And sorry it’s Xyrtex!
Anonanonanon
Jeez autocorrect. The bank is Xytex.
Anon
My friend who did this (her kids are teens so it has been some time) was able to see pictures. She chose someone who looked like her, or more precisely like he could be her brother, because she wanted her kids to look like her kids instead of “taking after their father” when their father wasn’t in the picture. It worked. They are like her clones.
Anon
I used to work in the industry. I have lots of thoughts on this. It is very easy for donors to lie about family/personal medical history and credentials. Because in the states we pay donors, the incentive is to make yourself look as best as possible so that the bank wants your product. Donor Sibling Registry is a good site to check out before you purchase. I would also look into their policies on how much of a donor’s product they will sell in a specific region. There are questionable practices at some banks. They do not care who they sell to or where they are. This can lead to a lot of one “product line” in the same location which, therefore, could be problematic down the line with regards to siblings not realizing they are siblings and you can see where I’m going here… Make sure your clinic does not get a kickback from the bank they suggest. Again, incentive there isn’t necessarily best outcome/product but the money from the bank. Ask about how long they keep product inventory. Do they keep old product that may not have all of the most recent testing? In addition, ask if they acquire inventory from other banks and how they perform due diligence on the inventory.
This all seems like a lot and maybe scary. Like I said, I worked in the industry at a bank. Not any of the ones named above. I, personally, don’t trust. Too much outside of my control and I have general trust issues. This is an unregulated industry in the US and therefore not much by way of assurances.
Sperm donor
Thanks…I know it is scary, and I hear you on the trust issues. It’s just one of those things that I have to hope for the best…
It might be the only option if I want a child that is biologically my own.
Adoptions can be just as scary.
I’m certainly trying to weigh all the options so this is helpful.
anon
Oh for sure. I was merely pointing out my personal biases. I am all for people doing what they feel comfortable with and acknowledge that my personal issues are just that, my personal issues. I hope that my other comments were helpful, though. Good luck!!
Sugar Free Me
I have gotten in a bad habit of snacking on cookies, candy, cake, etc., and I need to stop. So today is Day 1. Please send me positive thoughts and any suggestions for getting through this. I know the first few days will be the hardest.
Anonymous
Who has cookies, candy, and cake all available in the house at the same time? What with the pandemic and all, that’s a real effort in terms of planning, curbside pickup, and baking. I baked a birthday cake yesterday and it literally took half the day. I don’t have time to go tracking down cookies and candy to go with it. It’s not like you can just pop into the grocery store and buy all that stuff on a whim.
anonshmanon
Tell that to my pantry brimming with the contents of multiple care packages from mother and mother in law, to make up for not being able to meet for Xmas.
BeenThatGuy
I don’t think the shame is necessary here. Lots of people live with people that can moderately enjoy cakes, cookies and candies, so they are in the house.
OP, good luck. You can do whatever you put your mind to!
Anonymous
Not trying to shame anyone–I don’t think the OP is real. Obtaining food takes so much planning and logistics these days that it’s not realistic just to have a bunch of sweets lying around like in the Before Times. Unless, of course, your mother sent them to you as mentioned above. There have been many times over the past months when I’ve been desperate for a cookie but there was none to be had.
anon
Are you kidding me? I bake ALL THE TIME during the pandemic. It is not hard to add flour, sugar and butter to my grocery order. This is a seriously bizarre line of thinking.
Anon
LOL. Grocery stores have never closed. It is not hard to go to one. Are you for real? Go to a store and buy a cookie if you want one!
Anon
Last night I wanted a milkshake so I pulled out my phone and got on Ubereats and had one in about 20 minutes.
Anon
You were being a huge jerk about it.
Sugar Free Me
Oh, I am real. I bake. People sent things over the holidays. I just got a promotion. People sent things for that. I live with other people who like sweets. My freezer is well stocked, too.
Q: are you real? Or just a troll? Or hyper- trying to shut down a real comment because it hit an area of super-sensitivity for you?
food
well my husband ordered 6 boxes of girl scout cookies and occasionally does the online ordering which results in ice cream etc being delivered. i also order a few cookies here and there for my daughter as treats. its not that hard to order amazon fresh. i feel like we have MORE food on hand these days because we were limited with what we could carry back from the grocery store (live in a walking city).
Anonymous
It really doesn’t. You are the one making things up.
all about eevee
What in the world. People are baking more than ever. I think you are being rude and uncharitable. Please participate in this forum in good faith and extend good faith to others.
Anonymous
This is laughable and absurd. I can have a cake delivered to my house in 10 minutes if I want to. I can get cookies at any store. I don’t know what planet you live on but please go back to it.
Cb
Wait, what? We definitely have cookies, chocolate, and I could whip up a one-bowl cake in 30 minutes. We grocery shop 2x a week, because we eat so much fresh veg that a weekly shop isn’t doable, but all of those things are available on our weekly shop.
anonymous
…… you can’t be serious. Obtaining food does not take so much planning and logistics these days.
Sweets can also be purchased in bulk. They are not highly perishable items, like sushi. Most stores sell cookies and candy in bags or boxes– not on an individual basis. They are light weight and easy to carry, and not particularly expensive. They are small items and not particularly difficult to store. If you are being serious, then how are you possibly acquiring any food at all to eat? If someone is starving you and telling you that there’s no food available, let us know and we can send help.
Anon
We currently have the usual snacking chocolate bars we pick up when we go grocery shopping a couple times a month, a whole bunch of chocolate and packaged cookies mailed from family for Christmas, cookies I baked over the weekend, cookies in the freezer from past baking both by myself and by friends, etc. And this is all despite our firm rule that we don’t buy premade cookies or cakes for ourselves.
Anon
My grocery store is as well stocked as ever right now. Would be very easy to add to my cart. I also live across the street from a bakery and a few doors down from a coffee shop with treats and I do occasionally pick something up.
*I am cautious and live in an area with high mask compliance (mandatory) so feel okay making a few trips out a week
Anonymous
Wow, nothing like the immediate plausible-deniability fat shame to start the Monday, huh? Hope you feel better in your life soon.
Anonymous Canadian
Wow, that’s not very helpful! Last I checked these items were easily available ready-made in society. And marketing/biology makes them very attractive for many, dare I say most, human beings.
Good luck, OP – it’s a hard habit to break but congrats on making a healthy choice for you. You can do it!
Anon
What a spectacularly snarky and unhelpful response. Just for your information, there are these things called “grocery stores” where you can buy a wide array of foods for consumption at home, including all the foods the OP listed in her post. My grocery store also has a thing called a “bakery” where they have all those foods available for purchase within close proximity of each other. Do you obtain food by hunting and killing it? Are you completely unfamiliar with the concept of a “grocery store”? Please elaborate; I’m fascinated.
OP – first step is getting it all out of the house. All of it needs to go into the outside garbage, and you can always do the Miranda thing and cover it with dish soap so it becomes inedible. Don’t save anything “for special occasions” or emergencies or whatever. It all has to go. I had become over-reliant on pre-popped popcorn and veggie chips a few years ago and had to go cold turkey; it’s best just to rip the band-aid off and do what you’re doing. Good luck.
Anon
Um…yes you can.
Anonymous
Right? What a bizarre comment above.
all about eevee
Wow, you sound fun.
Anonymous
You might want to skip the Internet today, you clearly aren’t ready to engage respectfully with other adults.
LaurenB
I don’t understand this comment. How is it a “real effort” to have cookies, candy and cake available in the house? And what’s with the “baking” comment — all of those things are readily available without having to bake. Good god, we most certainly can pop into grocery stores and buy all those things on a whim.
Flats Only
In many places, yes, you can pop into a grocery store and buy these things on a whim. You have to wear a mask, and are supposed to stay distanced from other shoppers (easier in some stores than others), but it’s no big deal.
Anon
I wonder if you are the same person who earlier in the pandemic was freaking out about not going to the grocery store and running out of food out of fear of going to the store?
Flats Only
I wondered the same thing.
Anonymous
I was just thinking the same thing too. There seems to be a perception that “stores don’t have stock” which has not been true in many months.
anon
Obviously only some total loser who has no impulse control, terrible eating habits, and goes to the store over and over and over again so that she can make poor choices and put others at risk of death from Covid. /s
“It’s not like you can just pop into the grocery store and buy all that stuff on a whim.”
I mean, you can? Are you under the impression that they keep the candy and the frosting behind some secret, hidden locked counter and that you have to send in a detailed application about whether you’re a good, healthy person before you can access it?
God I hope your post is sarcasm and that I misread it.
Emma
This comment is oddly aggressive. Also, the pandemic resulted in my chronically-thin, somehow-immune-to-sugar-cravings SO moving in and constantly buying me chocolate and cookies because “they cheer you up”. Which is sweet and all, but there is a reason I don’t buy these things for myself.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I usually have at least one of those things on hand. I love to bake, and I also like those candy cubes from Sugarfina, plus my boyfriend recently acquired a huge order of Girl Scout cookies. So yeah, it’s a thing.
Not everyone is gonna be just like you, we all live different lives. Come on.
LSC
Hello from a fellow sugar addict! Here’s what has worked for me: Wean yourself off gradually so that you don’t feel completely deprived. Buy some very good dark chocolate and slowly enjoy 1-2 squares a night if you need to. When you are craving sweets, have fruit or tea instead and tell yourself you can reevaluate whether you really need the treat after. Most of the time I can live without it if I have a healthy snack first.
AnonATL
I keep a bag of chocolate chips around for this purpose. I can eat a palm full and that usually does it for me. You can find dark chocolate ones pretty easily and they are cheaper (but lower quality) than the bars.
I also have a no premade baked items in the house rule. If I want it, I have to make it myself and I know that by the time I’m done baking a batch of cookies I have usually passed the craving. There are some benefits to being lazy.
Anon
This is what I do as well
Anon
This doesn’t work for me because I’ll eat half the bag at once.
AnonATL
Oh yeah if it’s one of your big time comfort foods it won’t work. That’s ice cream for me. I have no self control. Chocolate I enjoy, but I don’t want to binge on. You put a carton of Ben and Jerry’s in my house though, and I’m in trouble.
Anonymous
You can do this. Stay satisfied with high protein foods – hard boiled eggs, full-fat yogurt and nuts are my personal go-tos. Deli meats and cheese without bread are also good snacks to grab if you like those.
Anon
I appreciate the good intentions, but I don’t think this helps with a sweet tooth. The craving for sweet is still going to be there.
anon
I have a huge sweet tooth and this helps me. If I’m already hungry, especially if I’ve become ravenous, then I’ll be more likely to grab a cookie to get a quick blood sugar boost. If I’m already full of/have access to high-protein foods then I’m much less likely to do that.
For me, the other component is to gradually wean off sugar and then cut it out as much as possible. More sugar leads to me wanting more and more sugar and the cycle continues. I do best if I don’t have it in the house because for me, what begins as healthy moderation can easily lead to that cycle. That said, I don’t deprive myself entirely because that will just make me angry/more inclined to eat too much if I do find sweets. I just try to limit consumption to occasions/items that I don’t have unfettered access to. I.e., a little birthday cake at work (prepandemic obvs) is fine, taking half the leftover cake home to eat “over the next few weeks” (lol year right) is not. An ice cream cone out couple months or so is better than having ice cream in the house. One delicious high quality cookie purchased from some local bakery is better than getting a thing of Oreos.
Emma
Yeah I could eat 12 hard boiled eggs and still want chocolate (despite also being vaguely nauseated). I’ve had better success with “an apple and two squares of dark chocolate with my coffee” strategy.
Senior Attorney
It will at first, but once you’ve gone cold turkey for a few days then the other high-fat, high-protein foods are good for keeping your satiated. I’m doing Whole30 this month and that’s been the case for me. Tapering off never works for me — I’d rather just white-knuckle it past the cravings.
Anonymous
I am the one who made the suggestion initially, and this is exactly my experience. Once I got my blood sugar regulated, sugar cravings stopped. It actually did not take very long. I now don’t eat sweets except on very rare occasion, usually (but not always) to avoid upsetting someone else. It’s been years.
Anonymous
You might want to check out intuitive eating. Trying to restrict sweets throughout my entire life never worked for me. It was only when I made them more available, not less, that I started being able to focus on what I was actually craving and whether I was actually hungry. The fastest way to jumpstart an uncontrollable craving for sweets was to ban them from my house. You can also potentially strike a middle ground by not keeping as much stuff in the house, but giving yourself unconditional permission to go to the store when you have a craving.
Anon
This is how I got obese. Sugar is addictive.
Anonymous
Sugar isn’t “addictive,“ which is a term used to describe a specific process in the brain. Your response demonstrates some of the classic fears among people who are new to intuitive eating and people who have given it up after the first week or so.
Anon
Nope, not new to it. Did it for two years, ate my way to 65 pounds overweight. It’s nonsense.
Anonymous
I’m sorry that you are frustrated with it and with your body size.
emeralds
I’m sorry to hear that intuitive eating did not work for you, Anon, but it is inaccurate to call it nonsense when it works for many, many women, including myself.
all about eevee
Sugar is addictive. Please see the scientific article Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake by Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel.
Anon
I do intuitive eating, but I’m aware that my blood sugar control is poor.
If I eat something with sugar, my blood sugar will spike, then my insulin will spike, I’ll gain weight, and I’ll be hungry again because the insulin will drive down my blood sugar. So I can’t start the day with sugar or carbs, since if I do, whether I’m eating intuitively or not, I’ll be locked into overeating just to keep my blood sugar from dropping (which makes me feel shaky and faint).
One of three Americans has some difficulty with blood sugar control, so a lot of people need to keep this physiology in mind in order to do intuitive eating successfully.
anon
There’s always someone around to call any diet nonsense. Here’s a radical idea: people are different and different diets work/don’t work for different people. It doesn’t make the ones that don’t work for you nonsense
anon
exactly what anon@11:29 said!
Anon
Sugar is definitely addictive.
Anonymous
But . . . pandemic! Who ever goes to the store these daya? Or wears shoes? Or puts on underwear? Or washes her hair? Or wears pants that don’t have a stretchy waistband? Or shaves her legs, like, ever?!
Anon
This is me too! We always keep the pantry stocked with brownie mix and can’t resist getting donuts on some weekends etc. Plus I am in New Orleans and it is king cake season! Good luck OP!
kk
I support a gradual slowdown, if you can- and replacing those snacks with fruit. When I have berries on hand, I wash them and leave them in a colander on the counter (over a tea towel) and snack on them all day. Blackberries are my favorite – they’re sweet and full of fiber. Good luck!
Anon
Quitting cold turkey will make you feel like hell, and make everyone around you miserable too.It’s feasible, but it’s hard on your body. I weaned off really slowly.
I went from three spoons of sugar in my coffee to unsweetened in about 3-4 months time. Watered down soda with spring water in a similar time frame. Cut one specific snack at a time, and subbed a protein instead (say, have a handful of raw nuts when I would have had cupcakes, but still allow cookies until I “get to” that category).
anne-on
Good luck! I find it best if I either don’t keep much of this type of food in the house, or (because I have a kid, who obviously wants SOME sweets around) I buy the stuff that isn’t my favorite. You probably know your ‘danger’ foods – I can’t bring cheezits into the house because 1 box= 1 serving. I do have a small stash of emergency chocolate, but generally if I want something sweet I have to bake it from scratch, which cuts down enormously on the mindless snacking. I also started making myself toss the ‘eh’ stuff. Thoroughly meh coffee cake in a care package? Gets tossed. The dry 3 day old cookies? Trash. The really good homemade brownies, sure, I’ll have one. I also avoid the bakery aisle for the most part – I’ll grab fresh bread and then shoot out of there. Ditto for the cereal/cookie aisle.
anon
OP, let this fellow treat-lover assure you that you aren’t the only one who has sweets around the house! I second all recommendations for fruit. Dried fruit (especially mangoes) are nice to snack on and sometimes satisfy that craving.
Anonymous
It me. I don’t usually have a sweet tooth, except at this time of year. Nothing makes my weight skyrocket like sweets. My mother constantly comments on my weight but also sends me mountains of sweets and baked goods over the holidays. I throw away the store bought stuff (I have begged her not to send it and this year I can’t even take it to the office) but I feel guilty throwing away homemade baked goods. I’m up 10 lbs from before Christmas. I feel uncomfortable in my body and in my clothes. I’m hungry all the time even when I know I’ve eaten enough. I hate this so much.
Anonymous
« I feel guilty throwing away homemade baked goods»
You are allowed to throw them out. You don’t have to treat your body as a trash can for unwanted gifts. Thank your mother for the gift, enjoy the thought that she made the time, and them throw what you don’t want away.
anon
+1 to this. It took me many years but I feel so much better now that I don’t eat things out of guilt/fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. This includes baked goods as gifts, treats at parties that so and so made special, birthday cakes at the office (in before times), etc. if I want to eat these things I do but until I stopped I didn’t realize how often I was eating cake just because it was Frank’s birthday. What a waste of a treat!
Anonymous
Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Trixie
Well, the first step is to get rid of all/almost all of the sweet treat stuff. I struggle with the same thing, and the only treat I can have on hand is ice cream–I find I can have a small portion and not binge. You may have a similar treat. Also, I am making lots of fruit salads, fruits with fiber. Hang in there!
pugsnbourbon
For the ice cream – I like ice cream sandwiches, strawberry shortcake pops, etc because they’re self-limiting. I probably won’t eat two ice cream bars but I will absolutely eat double the serving size of ice cream from the carton.
Vicky Austin
That’s actually a really good idea.
Bette
Yall are my people! I realized that I do a lot of “entertainment snacking” – going to the pantry or fridge just to bring some variability into my workday which now feels so monotonous in front of the computer all day. So I’m trying a two-fold approach: (1) keeping tasty and healthy snacks (clementines, string cheese, pistachios) around in addition to sweet treats and (2) I made a deal with myself that if I’m bored and want a snack, I have to do a set of 10 of bodyweight exercises (like squats, lunges, sit ups, etc.) first. If I still want a snack after changing my scenery and moving my body, I get a snack!
anonymous
Oh yes. I have never been an emotional eater but I’m definitely someone who eats for entertainment or to find some type of stimulation. Usually what I really need is something simple like physical contact with another human, sleep, or the chance to do something creative. But popping over to the fridge to get cheese is easier and faster way to get that dopamine. At the very least, I try to make myself have tea or a lower calorie beverage instead of snacks.
Anon
Sugar Free Me, just ignore the jerkiness and I’m glad others are calling them out too. Because folks can comment anonymously, they feel like they can be as mean as they want. I’ve been asking for the comments here to be not anonymous for some time, but those always get deleted by the mods…
Anonymous
A lot of people have advised weaning off. If you know that works for you, great, but personally I always try and go cold turkey if have gotten into a bad habit with snacks or similar. But I’m not an “in moderation” person. I abolutely cannot do “a square of chocolate a day”. That’s not how I work, I don’t want my treats portioned out like that,and more of a hedonistic bent.
One thing I genuinely enjoy, that is not very sweet, but very satisfying, is hot cocoa. But I make it with just cacao powder, milk or cream, and a splash of vanilla and cinnamon. No sugar or sweetener at all. Very moreish, but from the milk fats, not sugar. Recommended, if you want something chocolatey while you’re changing habits. I would also recommend Hemsley + Hemsley’s beetroot chocolate cake (no flour or sugar, but dates as a sweet ingredient) if you something to keep on hand for the transition.
In terms of deciding what snacks makes the cut for me, I eat whatever I want – as long as I make it from scratch. No mixes, boxes, nothing. Just single ingredients. If it’s a candy bar or similar, I have to want it enough to leave home and walk to the store to get it at that specific time. I don’t want to keep any ready snacks “just in case”.
Anon
Question for all of you who are more savvy about vaccine stuff than I am. I got a message from my (pre-COVID) massage therapist that she is getting the vaccine soon and that, per Pfizer’s data, she should be 95% safe to see in a month (I think this may be a stretch of how those stats work). She’ll continue to wear a mask and work in a ventilated area (it’s kind of like a three season porch with a lot of windows that open. How do I interpret this? If she is vaccinated, that means I can’t get COVID from her, right? But is a month really the right time frame? Massages is one of those things that keeps me sane so I would love to find a way to get back in whenever it’s safer.
Cat
I mean, sort of? She is only 5% as likely to catch Covid if she otherwise would have been infected (and people who don’t have Covid, of course, can’t pass it on). The stats do say it takes a few weeks for the immune system to build up to a level that is effective — so yes, a month after the second shot makes sense.
Anonymous
This is incorrect. All we know is that the vaccine prevents symptomatic COVID illness. We don’t yet know whether vaccinated people are still catching the virus and passing it along without symptoms.
anonshmanon
+1. She is protected from developing severe symptoms, but since covid can also cause asymptomatic infections, and since these are not as well understood, we can’t exclude the possibility of a vaccinated person being an asymptomatic spreader.
On the upside, with now 50 million ish vaccines given worldwide, we should learn more soon.
Anon
There was just an article in the NYT titled “underselling the vaccine” that claims if you have been vaccinated, there is very little chance that you could spread the disease. The article claims that we need vaccinated people to still distance and mask because otherwise, everyone will stop distancing and masking when you can’t tell by glancing at someone if they are vaccinated or not. We need to keep it socially unacceptable to be in a store without a mask for people to comply. The article takes issue with “lying” to the public and references the CDC initially saying not to wear a mask because if they admitted they worked, people would be hoarding them and health care workers couldn’t get them.
It’s worth a read.
Cat
Yep – I just read that as well and it’s why I responded the way I did.
Microbiologist
Yeah, I didn’t love that article. There were a few things that were flat out wrong (the doctor quoted that says there were no vaccines that don’t stop transmission- there definitely are). The problem with the vaccine right now isn’t that it’s being undersold, but that it’s not available to tons of people that want it! While we don’t have great data on whether it reduces transmission completely, from what we do know, I’d be shocked if it didn’t reduce it significantly. However, reduce significantly and stop completely are not the same thing, so while the virus is still rampant and most people can’t get the vaccine, that means any prudent guidance means vaccinated people still need to wear masks, especially once you consider the social factors like trying to enforce mask rules when you don’t know who’s been vaccinated. Focus on getting vaccine to people who want it now and a lot of the early doubters will go along with it later- at that point it really might be fine for vaccinated people to stop wearing masks, but right now, it’s not.
Microbiologist
Also, a here’s good article that explains how some of those vaccines that don’t stop transmission can still reduce disease without eliminating it entirely (not TOO technical): https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/vaccines-need-not-completely-stop-covid-transmission-to-curb-the-pandemic1/
The key point is that lots of people need to vaccinated for this to work, so for now, you still need to be cautious, but once most people are vaccinated, you should see a big improvement and you can stop wearing masks.
Anon
@Microbiologist – this is all very helpful. Thank you!
Anon
Please if you do not fully understand the vaccine data please do not reply and spread inaccurate info, We are already in enough of a mess with COVID, please do not make it worse by passing on wrong info.
FFS
Once she’s fully vaccinated she’s unlikely to get ill from COVID, but there’s limited data on how well a vaccinated person can still pass it along to someone else. I wouldn’t be comfortable getting a massage until both parties are vaccinated.
FFS
Here’s an article about potential spread after vaccination: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/08/health/covid-vaccine-mask.html.
Anon
My understanding is that within about 2 weeks of her second shot, SHE will be about 95% protected, but there is little data on whether she could pass COVID to others. So seeing clients would be relatively safe for her, but less so for the clients.
Anonymous
There is no evidence that the vaccine will prevent her from transmitting the virus to you.
Anonymous
+1. Your therapist is wrong and if you decide to move ahead with this plan, it should not be with any assumptions that it is “safe.”
Anonymous
That’s wrong. There’s actually tons of evidence it will but not enough to be certain yet.
PolyD
Right, see the link to the recent NYT article above. Also, the New England Journal recently published a piece on vaccine facts and myths. The author commented that of al the vaccines in widespread use today, not a single one fails to prevent transmission, so it’s highly, highly likely the COVID vaccine will as well.
I mean, I get that we shouldn’t run amok just because people have been getting vaccinated, and also, there’s always a small percentage of people for whom vaccines don’t work, but these are very good vaccines.
Anon
I obviously trust a medical journal over the NYT but the doctor quoted in the NYT said he knows of know other virus that can be transmitted by a vaccinated party. Those two statements (NYT and NEJ totally contradict themselves.
Microbiologist
See my post above, but this is just wrong and if you click through to the NEJM article you’ll see that the author had to update it because he apparently hadn’t bothered to do even a basic google search before spouting off misinformation. The reason nobody knows that lots of common vaccines don’t completely stop transmission is that as long as everyone gets them, there’s very little circulating virus and they still work quite well, so it doesn’t matter that much. It only matters when vaccination rates drop (like in the case of pertussis) or when we’re first rolling them out and lots of people can’t get them yet, like with covid. That said, it’s quite likely that transmission will be significantly reduced, and we shouldn’t undersell that, but it’s not the same as there instantly being no risk.
Microbiologist
See my post above, but this is just wrong and if you click through to the NEJM article you’ll see that the author had to update it because he apparently hadn’t bothered to do even a basic google search before spouting off misinformation. The reason nobody knows that lots of common vaccines don’t completely stop transmission is that as long as everyone gets them, there’s very little circulating virus and they still work quite well, so it doesn’t matter that much. It only matters when vaccination rates drop (like in the case of pertussis) or when we’re first rolling them out and lots of people can’t get them yet, like with covid. That said, it’s quite likely that transmission will be significantly reduced, and we shouldn’t undersell that, but it’s not the same as there instantly being no risk.
Anon
Thank you so much, all! There’s so much info on what the vaccine personally means to the recipient but I was having a harder time understand what it meant for those around them. Appreciate those of you with the skills and savvy to help me out!
Anon
How is a massage therapist getting the vaccine so early!?!? I’m my state, unless she was 65 or older, she would be waiting ages.
Is it Friday yet?
Many states have opened availability to those 16-64 that have documented pre-existing conditions (apparently this includes smoking, which a lot of people are up on arms about). Maybe she has asthma or an autoimmune disorder or something?
Anonymous
In my state, people with a BMI of 25+ are in the priority group, but not people with autoimmune conditions unless they’re on immunosuppressants. And you have to have “moderate to severe” asthma to qualify. It’s maddening.
Anonymous
Sorry the CDC recommendations are offensive to you congrats on Being Best at hating fat people.
Is it Friday yet?
Yeah, I have a good friend in CO with an autoimmune disorder that is in the general population category and is (quite reasonably) pretty unhappy about having to wait, because she’s had to isolate super hard this entire time because of her risk factors. Point being though, that states are not uniform in their approach to distribution/eligibility, so the massage therapist doesn’t necessarily need to be over 65 in some states.
Anonymous
I know, right? I hate the constant subtle fat-blaming on this site.
Anonymous
The poorly informed priority order is not just offensive, it’s literally imprisoning me in my home until I can get vaccinated, which at this rate will be never.
Anon
The concept is who is most likely to need an ICU bed, not who is the least culpable in their risk factors. I’m waiting to see if I qualify having two pulmonary conditions and one autoimmune.
Is it Friday yet?
Yes, as anon at 10:55 mentions, the priority order is currently based on reducing the stress on our overloaded hospitals right now, and protecting frontline and essential workers. The unfortunate reality of the situation is that we don’t have enough vaccines to go around at this point, so a lot of someones are going to get shafted no matter who we pick. By keeping the people that are most likely to get sickest out of the ICUs, we’re increasing the quality of care for those who do end up there and decreasing mortality across the entire population. But the rollout has been a trainwreck, thanks Trump administration!
Anonymous
Sorry, but there is no way someone who is just mildly overweight is at higher risk of hospitalization, or of long COVID, than Friday’s friend with two pulmonary conditions and an autoimmune disease.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Yeah, as someone who’s a bit overweight myself (but not expecting early access to the vaccine because of it, I think my state’s BMI threshold his higher anyway), it makes me sad when people make comments about this. If a person’s weight puts them at a higher risk of severe complications, they should have priority access. If you also have a condition that you feel deserves vaccine priority as well, say that, but it doesn’t have to be this either/or situation.
I’ll also remind y’all that a lot of the stuff we’re itching to get back will have to remain on pause until more people get vaccinated. An early vaccine doesn’t mean early freedom.
Anonymous
She probably used her massage therapy job to check the box of being a healthcare provider. I know someone in sales (hospice) who did this (not even in her own state) and it throughly disgusts me.
lifer
+1
Actually, it is quite popular to have massage therapists in physical therapy clinics these days. A lot of recovery from injury can include manual therapy/more aggressive massage like techniques, and it is incredibly popular complement to pain control treatments. It is possible to get certifications etc.. that would make you reasonably fall into the healthcare provider group.
And I think few of us here would agree that massages can be important for our mental/physical health!
I have mixed feelings about it. I’m a doctor. Plenty of doctors/providers have gotten immunized who are not direct caregivers to COVID patients regularly, knowingly, so if it’s ok for them, it is probably ok for a massage therapist.
Of course, the COVID vaccination program is a challenging nightmare no thanks to Trump, and most states are doing the best they can to get people immunized. It will not be perfect. It will not be fair. But they are trying.
Who cares
Honestly, I couldn’t care any less. Just everyone get the damn vaccine as early as you can. We’re talking about, what, max 6 months before it’s widely available? If you can check a box to get it now, just get it and get it fast. I won’t buy in to the story that a single masseuse’ is “taking the vaccine” from someone else, either. Just get the thing as soon as you feasibly have access to it and be done. We’ve done enough shaming and pointing fingers through this whole mess. If this person is going to stretch the truth to get it, maybe they’re cavalier about distancing/other fringy ethical questions related to COVID behavior, in which case they need it more than me. I can wait 3-6 more months.
Anon
basically the covid vaccine prevents her from getting super sick from covid. doesn’t necessarily protect from her getting covid as she could still get it and be asymptomatic. during the trials they did not test participants for covid on a regular basis
PolyD
No, the vaccine prevents infection as well as disease severity.
Here’s a good list of FAQs and answers about the vaccines:
https://www.nejm.org/covid-vaccine/faq
Anon
Has anyone made any small changes in their daily routine, habits, nutrition, supplements, living space, etc. that they think made a big difference in their energy levels or mood? I started making an effort to drink more water throughout the day and I think it’s helped me feel better physically (such an obvious thing). Now I’m wondering what other small changes might also help boost my energy and mood.
Anonymous
A cup of coffee after lunch does wonders for me, but somehow I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for.
Lilliet
I take a Lazy Genius 17 min power nap instead of the cup of coffee and that has had a marked improvement. With the coffee, I still felt groggy and dragging. With the power nap, I wake up feeling ready. I make a decaf tea and somehow this has really changed my afternoons for the better. The 1pm slump for me was real.
Anonymous
Not a small change, but working from home made the difference that I thought small changes would help. It took more than that to see change. The same goes for my husband.
anon
Going on a walk, even a short one, no matter what the weather is like. Something about leaving my environment and getting fresh air helps me physically and mentally.
lifer
+1
Especially early in the day or by mid-day, so you get the sun exposure early. Daily sunlight is very helpful for mood.
A Costco etc.. “happy light” next to you when you drink your morning coffee/have breakfast, especially in the winter, can be helpful too.
emeralds
Same. Getting outside for at least a little bit every day is so helpful for me. I’m a big fan of the lunchtime walk–it breaks up the WFH monotony and gives me a nice boost going into the afternoon.
Also saving alcohol for the weekends. I just don’t sleep as well if I’ve had a drink, unfortunately.
Anon
Do you sleep well? Good sleep hygiene plus a good mattress & pillows makes a big difference.
all about eevee
The only changed that helped me was going to bed earlier.
Anon
Quitting added sugars and focusing on protein with every meal really leveled out my moods. I didn’t realize sugar had me on such a rollercoaster until I was off it. I still eat fruit, but nothing like ice cream, cake, granola bars, etc.
Anonymous
I find getting outside every day helps. Last winter I figured out how layers and a few additional gear pieces would let me walk year-round and it really helped.
Walnut
I just took out the garbage and have a bit of extra pep in my step. Time to go buy the fleece lined everything and get outside more.
anon
No wine during the weekdays.
Some sort of exercise every day even if just a 20 min walk or yoga video.
Limiting myself to one (large) cup of coffee, any more and I get twitchy.
A break for afternoon tea.
Cb
I had two new habits I wanted to introduce in the new year – to have a piece of fruit with vegetables to have a salad or soup for one meal a day. No sad deprivation salads – it’s got good dressing, a nice protein like smoked salmon or a poached egg, sometimes an apple cut in. But I really find that big serving of vegetables makes me feel satiated.
A.
I love this question! I read an article this weekend that outlined how small habits are much easier to successfully implement for long-term, sustainable change vs. big goals: less chance of sustained failure/getting behind, less of a one-and-done mentality. Here are mine:
– Making a conscious effort to get into bed in the 10:00 hour. Even if I end up reading for a long time (which happens), I still feel more rested than when I fall into bed at 11:30.
– Trying to move my body everyday, which can be as easy as a 20-minute non-sweaty walk outdoors or a quick yoga flow.
– Three years ago, it was my NY resolution to make my bed everyday, and I still do this roughly 6/7 days of the week. It sets the day on the right course for me and gives me a small sense of accomplishment in the AM.
– After years of being bad at taking vitamins, I got all gummy vitamins (which my vitamin-expert mom says “aren’t as good”). Eff it. I like eating gummies, and I’m way more consistent taking them — which is better than the zero vitamins I was taking of the pill-swallowing variety.
Anon
I take my vitamins every day if they’re in gummy form! It feels like a treat!
lifer
+1
Same!
anon
Bedtime, that while adjustable, allows for me to get the 8 hours of sleep my body needs before I have to wake up again.
Working from home: Cannot stress how much of a game changer that has been for my stress and anxiety
Exercising as regularly as possible, and also taking a day off when I need need. I find more than two days off in a row and I start to feel cooped up. I am still working out the schedule and discipline on this. No crazy amount of exercise required. Short and intense is just fine.
No caffeine (travesty I know) except for Chocolate or Decaf Coffee.
Hot tea before bed instead of another glass of an alcoholic beverage.
Limiting or avoiding dairy. Which is just so sad, but I do feel better if I keep dairy to eggs and cheese and not too much.
Writing down goals and spending the free time I have working on them. Reading a new book instead of watching TV or scrolling. Makes me feel like I am accomplishing things and happier overall. To continue the moderation theme TV and scrolling have their place but work better for me when they are bounded.
Shelle
Fresh flowers every week. An arrangement in each of the spaces I spend the most time at – on my desk and on my living room coffee table. They’re from the grocery store but the NICE ones not the five dollar bouquets haha. Feels so luxurious!
LaurenB
It’s amazing how you can obtain fresh flowers from your grocery store when some here are convinced that you can’t even obtain cookies, candy or cake from grocery stores!
Anonymous
Where are grocery selections so robust? I am doing curbside pickup and supplementing with delivery from stores that don’t do curbside. In every order, several key ingredients are out of stock or I get weird useless substitutions like tomato sauce for sun-dried tomatoes. I was unable to obtain a prepared cake for a recent family birthday despite pre-ordering from a bakery (closed without notice due to a positive COVID test) and ordering delivery from two different grocery stores (nothing in stock). If I want to bake or cook or eat pretty much anything, I have to plan weeks in advance to collect the nonperishable ingredients over several orders because of stock issues, and then the week I plan to cook it’s a cr@pshoot on the perishables. I made a cake this weekend and it took several orders from different stores over a period of two weeks to obtain all the ingredients. I can’t even count on a bag of candy or cookies showing up in my order. So, no, I do not believe that you can just run to the grocery store and pick up whatever it is you want.
Anonymous
Huh? This is so odd. Grocery stores are not out of stock. You don’t need to plan weeks in advance to bake cookies.
Anonymous
Also, if you are the poster who was so anxious earlier in the pandemic about stores being low on stock and feeling like you could not obtain supplies to feed your family, I am sorry that you are still struggling, but please get in touch with a therapist or a professional that you trust. I do not mean this in a snarky way AT ALL and if that wasn’t you, please disregard, but the anxiety I read in the posts then is very palpable now too. Stores have been well-stocked for many months now and you need to find a way to manage the lingering trauma and anxiety from that time.
Anon
I live somewhere with poor grocery delivery options (no Amazon Fresh, Whole Foods, etc.), but I order pretty much any nonperishables I want from Amazon or Walmart and get them within a few days. We still go to Trader Joes in person every 3 weeks or so to get perishables, but I could get all the cookies or candy or sundried tomatoes I want easily!
Anon
Why don’t you trust that she is telling you her lived experience? I can’t stand that everyone is so anxious to diagnose everyone more careful than themselves as suffering from anxiety and needing therapy. It’s ridiculous.
I am a high risk person (I have rheumatoid arthritis and take immune suppressing drug therapy, plus I am overweight) so I get grocery delivery 100% of the time. I made my own birthday cake this year, which I had to plan ahead for because I wanted a particular kind of chocolate (Guittard) and it would be extremely normal for me to get a weird store brand substitution for that. In fact, they did substitute an xoxo brand “chocolate orange” candy bar for my intended baking bar the first time. So it took two grocery orders spaced a week apart to get my chocolate. And I ended up baking the cake using bread flour because, again, substitutions.
Don’t discount what goes on in someone else’s experience because it hasn’t been your experience. It’s obnoxious.
AnonMPH
I mean, I also often am lacking certain ingredients in my delivery orders or get weird substitutes but this is 99% because my shopper didn’t find the thing/the algorithms tell them a weird thing to substitute and 1% the entire type of item is out of stock. Which is annoying but fine! It’s part of the price we pay for not going to the store ourselves. The people we pay low wages to go to the store for us tend not to care that much whether they find a good substitute for our random ingredient. When I go myself I can almost always find another brand/size/flavor or whatever that is a perfectly appropriate substitution. The only time recently that I had huge chunks of my order missing was this weekend and I live in Capitol Hill so my grocery store is on the edge of a military blockade…
anon
Where are you located? You seem to be the only person experiencing shortages. Literally dozens of posters have told you that they have been able to find everything at grocery stores. Not sure why you think you are the rule and everyone else is the exception. I find it hard to believe you are consistently experiencing this. I have friends all over the country and none of them are experiencing what you describe. Maybe try a different store or go in person
Bonnie Kate
Midwest rural area – shop in a nearby small city – my regular grocery stores have been fully stocked for at least six months, if not longer. That said, I am grocery store shopping in person (masked in stores with good mask compliance) so maybe relying on delivery is the difference? I don’t know how ordering delivery works because I could never even get an appointment for pickup.
Anon
This is so weird. Are you living in the middle of nowhere? You seem to have very strange anxiety about this.
Betsy
I’ve done some trial and error with the different stores in my area to figure out which one has the best curbside pickup. It’s all the same chain, but it varies from store to store. Clearly other people have done the same thing, because you have to place your order several days out to get it from the best store, the second best store fills up a day or two in advance and the terrible store that usually doesn’t fill like a quarter of my order sometimes has same day spots available on the weekend. If I only did pickup from that one store, I would probably think grocery supply issues are worse than they are! If you’re legitimately having this many problems with your pickup orders it might be worth trying a few other stores, even if they are a little out of your way, to see which ones do a better job.
Anon
This is bananacrackers crazypants UNLESS you are in a very, very rural area (like rural Montana or Canada or something) or on a remote island, in which case, please talk about that a little bit so we understand where you are coming from. I go to the grocery store every two weeks, and I have a teenage son so I have to do a BIG shop to cover him, and myself and my husband for two weeks (I usually spend about $250-$300 on groceries in that trip, but it saves us from making additional trips). I am able to get literally anything I need, including paper products. My store has not been out-of-stock on any category of product for months, and they no longer put purchase limits on things like eggs or canned goods, which they did earlier in the pandemic. I am in the Southwest, not near any ports, and I go to a non-fancy regular ol’ grocery store (Albertsons). Every once in awhile our store will be out of a certain brand of item that I’m looking for but that happened all the time pre-pandemic too. You need to add some qualifying details so we understand what’s going on here. Or, I am going to echo what other folks have said and leave your house, because if your grocery delivery service/site is showing you that they don’t have stock, that’s not a result of interruption in the food supply chain. It may not be available to you on the ordering website but unless your store is just terrible at inventory management, the goods are there at the store.
Anonymous
I just wanted to say that it was my experience as well doing delivery while living in the suburbs outside of Chicago. The substitutions are awful. And it required shopping from a few places and/or a few tries to get some nonstandard stuff. I also don’t understand why folks walking into brick and mortar are weighing in—your experience will indeed be very different. And no, using delivery doesn’t inherently mean you need therapy. We did that in the weeks following my husband’s surgery. I’m glad to now be going into stores again. I can’t tell you how completely frustrating an experience it is to order things and watch as a dozen or so get substituted or simply cancelled. Makes you appreciate normal times much more. Can’t you just be thankful for your own good fortune without denying someone else’s experience of poorer? (I also think some of you are missing the humor referencing the earlier thread on quitting sugar.)
Anon
I go in person and I haven’t had any supply issues (that I wouldn’t have in normal years). I live downtown in a big city and frequent several grocery stores (since Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods and Sprouts don’t have everything I need; I supplement with Target/Giant/Acme/a local store… I should clarify that I only go to 1-2 stores/week)
I get flowers every week, fresh produce, whatever packaged goods I need, etc no problem. Occasionally one store is out of one thing or doesn’t have a selection I like and I go elsewhere, but that happened all the time before covid too (I think it’s just a function of city grocery stores)
anonshmanon
I think it’s useful for us who still shop in-store to weigh in, if it’s the delivery/curbside that’s causing the problem. I have been shopping in-store this whole time (I am aware that not everyone can), and there are only specific niche products that I found hard to get (three come to mind: Costco is out of their giant bales of TP half the time, a very specific brand of potato chips was out of stock all summer/fall but is now back, and I haven’t found a specific kind of soda in cans, only bottles – apparently there is a slight shortage on beverage cans?). Any baking ingredient, indulgent dessert, hand sanitizer, cleaning product, canned and dry foods has been available at Trader Joes, Safeway and Costco since summer in my area. I heard that bicycles and canning jars are short, but that’s beyond grocery store fare.
Anon 2.0
I am dying over here at giant bales of TP. Love it!
I have been doing all of my grocery shopping in person during the entire pandemic. I don’t think the problem is the stock instead it is the curbside/delivery option. Everything, even Clorox wipes and Lysol is in stock at my local grocery. However, at least at my local stores, the people doing the curbside/delivery orders seem to all be teenage boys. I have watched them just grab whatever produce is on top and sling it in a ag. I’d image they don’t have the best grasp of what an appropriate substitution is.
Anon
Haha I ordered bunches of thyme and sage for thanksgiving and got a bunch of sage and a bunch of rosemary. Not the end of the world but the delivery person literally had to walk past a giant rosemary hedge to get to my front door, so….
pugsnbourbon
Yes to flowers! The other day my wife looked around and said quietly, “it’s so nice to have these flowers around, I like how you do that” and it was really lovely to hear :)
Holly Flax
My husband and I have a goal to eat at the table for every meal, except for one fun meal per week while watching a movie (we usually get takeout on Saturdays). His parents eat every meal in front of the tv (except for holidays), and he and I realized we had slowly slipped into that same habit. Eating at the table helps us to disconnect from our screens/work mode, and we are also able to pay more attention to how the food tastes and when we are feeling full.
Little Monkey
This is such a good idea, we are trying the same. Unfortunately we realized we don’t have That much to talk about with both of us working from home and not going out. We already know everything the other person did that day… :/
Anonymous
I live alone and recently started running the dishwasher every other day, even though it is far from full. This means emptying it is a breeze, so there is no reason to put it off, and dishes don’t sit in my sink and start to make everything feel overwhelming and messy. Preparing food is also much easier when the sink is empty and clean.
New Here
I’ve been thinking of doing this, but it is hard to break the “only run when full” habit because I feel like I’m wasting energy. Have you noticed a difference in your utility bill by doing this?
anon
Not who you are responding to but I suggest looking into energy costs by hour. Ours is significantly cheaper overnight so putting the dishwasher on four hour delay so it starts at 2 am versus 10 pm like 60% cheaper. I think the 4-8 pm window is the most expensive
Anonymous
I am not sure if this is increasing energy costs because my power bill is outrageous currently because the temps dropped but my dogs want to have free access to the outdoors at all times when I am home so it is hard to distinguish heating load from dishwashing load. My water bill is consistent, though.
Airplane.
Living space: bought a fire pit, use it all the time in the evenings, even if it is just the two of us listening to some music with some tea or a glass of wine. Upgraded backyard furniture and outdoor lighting.
Daily routine: Exercise every single day. Peloton app has super short ones like 5 minute abs, or 10 minute arms, there’s never a day I can’t fit that in and I always feel better after even if I don’t feel like it I still do it and usually after the first short workout my mood is boosted enough to do a little bit more. Showing up is the hardest so even if I have a meh workout I still feel good after doing it.
Supplements: daily creatine and BCAA pre-workout supplement, protein supplement on days I don’t eat optimal protein (rare now that almost all meals are made at home)
Habits: Brush my teeth every time I shower – clean body + clean mouth feels great. Drink a full glass of water before any coffee in the morning. Get outside for at least 2 walks during the sunlight hours, big mood boost every time.
SC
While my husband takes my son to school, I sit down for about 10 minutes and have breakfast and read a few pages of my book. The house is quiet. It’s amazing. It makes me more relaxed and focused all day. (After breakfast, I get up and unload the dishwasher and clear everyone’s breakfast dishes, then I get ready for work.)
Senior Attorney
At the suggestion of somebody here, I banished my phone from my bedroom and now I only have my Kindle so I can read my books but not doomscroll. Game. Changer.
Anon
Sleep hygiene. Going to sleep at the same time and waking up at the same time daily. No naps.
My husband does a cup of tea in the afternoon and I have started to join him. It’s nice in sort of a coffee break kind of way. It also helps me face dinner prep a few hours later (because sometimes I am just so sick of cooking I can’t stand it )
Anonymous
I started getting up earlier. I finally left BigLaw during the pandemic and had trouble breaking the up late/sleep late cycle. But I was historically a morning person so I’ve started forcing myself to get up earlier and it’s been amazing.
I get up around 7 and have time to exercise or take the dog on an extra long walk every morning, shower, eat breakfast and start work at 9. I really like feeling like I’ve had meaningful time to myself before starting work.
anon
Vitamin D, a happy light, and jogging.
Anon
Quitting alcohol improved my sleep and energy level greatly. Exercising daily (mix of weights, core, spinning, stretching, yoga) for 30+ mins (I cheat myself into working out by promising to myself I can quit after 5mins). Moving to Hungary and getting plenty of daylight in my home office. Reading paper book before sleep to slow my mind. Having a call with a friend/family for 20mins each day. Picking up a new hobby every 3m (hello container gardening).
amberwitch
I recently stopped drinking water after dinner and started taking a daily magnesium tablet. Those two changes has resulted in me sleeping through the night almost every night instead of waking up multiple times for a pee. I sometimes get a bit of a dehydration headacke, but the improvement in sleep quality is worth it.
Anon
We recently had our TV’s (one in living room, one in bedroom) mounted and it had a way bigger impact on our space than I anticipated. It makes the room feel bigger and neater. It has definitely triggered a lot of positive feelings and motivation to keep my place tidy.
Anonymous
I’m looking for some recommendations for bike jerseys. I’d like something long sleeve with a quarter or full zip, a looser fit, and functional lumbar pockets, ideally with a zipper, to carry my phone, keys, and ID. I have a fairly large bust and would prefer something that is not too fitted. I usually buy most of my outdoor gear at REI, but didn’t see anything that hit all the boxes and that has decent reviews. The only other bike jerseys I have I got second hand ages ago. Any ideas?
Anon
So I love, love, love my SheBeest jerseys. They are not cheap and some of the patterns can be pretty wild (but that’s good for visibility if you ride on or near roads). They just work really well. I have some jerseys from Nashbar from back in the day (when they made their own stuff) and from Pearl Izumi’s women’s line and neither work as well as the SheBeest.
kk
Seconding shebeest, but also take a look at velocio- I’ve been impressed with their stuff!
Anon
I’ve worn Primal’s stuff forever. They have several different fits, and if you want something unstructured, I find the mens’ jerseys comfortable for that.
A zippered pocket is going to be hard to find, since the idea of cycling jersey pockets is easy access to whatever you need while you’re moving. Pockets in cycling jerseys are deep enough that your stuff won’t fall out. If you want something more secure, get a bento-box for on your bike.
Sizing for bike clothes is screwy. Don’t be afraid to size up. Castelli and Pearl Izumi P.R.O. are really fitted, so if you’re looking for something more casual, stay away from those.
cbackson
I recommend checking out Competitive Cyclist – they carry a ton of brands so you have a lot of options in one place. Zippered back pockets are hard to find as others have noted, although I have a Pearl Izumi long-sleeved jersey from a few years ago with one zippered pocket.
I ultimately have found that my jersey fits across my back tightly enough to keep my phone from falling out, but when I rode the cobbles at Roubaix a few years ago, on the recommendation of a retired pro racer friend, I safety-pinned shut the pocket that had my phone and ID in it.
Anonymous
Thanks for the recs so far – I’m not wedded to the zipper pocket idea, but I have one on my current hand-me-down jersey and it’s been handy for valuables. I also got annoyed when browsing REI’s offerings and seeing a women’s jersey with slanted open-top pockets on the back. Non-functional pockets on women’s athletic clothing make me stabby.
Lobbyist
Terry sports has a looser fit than most other brands.
Anonymous
Got my vaccine today!
Anonymous
Love these posts, keep my them coming!! My FB feed is filled with my clinical friends and their arms ;)
anonshmanon
Yay!
LaurenB
Congrats! I am so excited whenever I hear of someone getting the vaccine. My FB feed is also full of my healthcare worker friends getting theirs!
emeralds
Awesome! My husband got vaccinated last week and was just able to schedule his second vaccine. It’s like a weight I didn’t even know I was carrying around got lifted from my shoulders.
Z
Congrats! My sister has been out there working at vaccine clinics for a month now, just got her 2nd shot last week!! I’m so, so, so relieved.
Sloan Sabbith
My dad is getting it today!
Anonymous
Fantastic!
Senior Attorney
Hooray!! Man, I can’t wait. STICK ME!!
Anon
SAME
Bonnie Kate
YAY!!! I just found out my Grandma is getting her first shot on Thursday and I am SO HAPPY. And my state just announced today that my Grandpa and Dad are eligible starting Monday, so they’re calling to get appointments. Those are three of the people I’ve been most worried about and I will be so relieved in a month when they’re vaccinated.
anon
Ugh, I have hit another pandemic low point. The isolation and sameness are really getting to me. I had the day off both Friday and yesterday and felt completely listless and unable to do anything. Getting outside to play with my kiddo helped some, but I feel so low physically and mentally. All my danger signs are there: tired, melancholy, lots of procrastinating, skipping workouts that normally boost my mood, having a hard time identifying anything “fun” to do. I was super anxious during the week of the insurrection and beyond, and now I’m crashing. I know that this, too, shall pass, but I hate feeling this way and am judging myself for not being stronger.
Anon
Same here, minus the kiddo to get me up and going a bit. I just “wasted” and entire three day weekend. I did not work. I did not have fun. I did not do chores. I really don’t know what I did.
Anonymous
Hi have you called your doctor/therapist today yet?
anon
I have not. I am already on meds, and January is usually not my … happiest month?
Allie
Have you tried a SAD lamp? 10 mins first things every AM makes all the difference to me. Not saying I’m doing well, but it does help. I have a very small one that gets put away in the closet during Spring/Summer/Early Fall.
Anon
Honestly though, what can they do? It’s situationally sucky right now to put it mildly.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m so tired of hearing that the solution to our current problems is positive thinking or drugs. The real solution would be to get everyone temporarily locked down and wearing masks so we’re all in this together and the spread slows, and then ramping up vaccine production and distribution.
Anonymous
I agree with this. Drugs have their place in treating depression, but they don’t solve the spread of COVID-19.
Senior Attorney
Right? The best anti-depression drugs right now are from Pfitzer or Moderna, right in the arm!
Anon
Drugs can help you get through it though. I had my dose upped and feel SO much better. When the world improves I’ll try going back down.
Anon
My kids are at the age where they have phones and are able to text each other and are becoming acutely aware that some peers are living lives of solitary isolation and others are living their best lives (honestly, no 12-14YO should be on insta with their Diet Coke (!) and OOTD posing around town with their posse, especially now). So I think that after our 3 week OMG PLS STAY AT HOME phase is over (Valentine’s Day), they are emotionally going to be done with distancing. They have been in isolation for almost a year now, which would be abusive in any other context, but is doubly so now that it only applies to some people apparently. I can’t say that I blame them. I can WFH indefinitely, but have an adult’s brain and am busy; they have a kid’s brain and are moody / in the throes of puberty, so things are not OK.
anon
We are struggling with this issue in terms of the difference between our house and my husband’s former wife’s house. Our kids (justifiably) are confused about why at our house they have to stay home, while at their mom’s house indoor playdates, birthday parties, going to the nail salon, eating in restaurants, etc. are all okay. They generally understand that there are different rules at different houses, but the difference is so extreme right now and it’s tough when they comment on how they could go to so-and-so’s birthday party if only it was mom’s weekend.
Anonymous
Doesn’t it kind of go back to “if your friends were jumping off a cliff, does that mean you should?” It’s so hard in practice, of course, but what’s right is right.
Anonymous
No, it goes back to that if your kids have consistent rules at home but are observing their peers out and about. Anon at 11:41 is complaining about inconsistent rules between households.
Anonymous
Yes, just because other households aren’t being as strict as they should doesn’t mean that OP’s household should follow their example. No one should be going to indoor playdates, birthday parties, nail salons, or indoor restaurant dinners. That’s not just a “difference in risk tolerance” – that’s just plain irresponsible.
anon
I said it was tough – not that we’re changing what we’re doing. That being said, these concepts are more challenging to communicate when the other household in question is the child’s other home as opposed to a friend’s house. You have to be a lot more sensitive in how you talk to your kids about their mom’s irresponsible behavior vs. their friend’s mom’s irresponsible behavior, for a host of reasons.
anon
That’s super tough, anon. I don’t envy you. It’s one thing when it’s a friend behaving stupidly; it’s quite another when it’s the kids’ mom.
Anonymous
I had a temporary low point too, but they come and go. I’m reminding myself that the pandemic doesn’t care that I am over it and that I need to stay strong. I think that the more resilience I show now, the better I will feel about how I acted during the pandemic a few years from now and that sometimes motivates me during the low points. It’s hard though, commiseration.
anon
You’re absolutely right. I am proud that we’re doing the right thing, even though it is a hard thing. The experts warned us this would be a hard winter. I will try to channel my inner Ma Ingalls or something.
Anonymous
I have been trying to channel my inner Ma Ingalls since last March, but it’s hard when everyone else is out there acting like Mr. Foster during the antelope hunt.
Anonymous
I’m Anon at 10:23 and believe me, I hear you loud and clear. I honestly think that watching other people live like there’s no pandemic is the hardest part of all of this for me. I feel like we’re not in this together, the sacrifices are being borne unequally, and that they’re putting my loved ones at risk to…have happy hour. Go to a party. Go to brunch. Sigh. I do NOT criticize essential workers for going to their jobs, but I am really angry at people who are socializing like nothing has changed.
Anon
I adore the specificity of this reference.
PolyD
I’m sorry everyone is having a hard time (I myself have been falling into this category) but the Mr. Foster and the antelope reference gave me a chuckle.
So thanks for that!
Sloan Sabbith
Just reread this book this weekend and actually laughed out loud.
emeralds
This is such a great frame, thank you for sharing.
I’ve mostly been handling isolation okay, but I had a whole entire (internal) temper tantrum over the weekend about missing something amazingly minor: being able to get a bagel and coffee with a friend after my Saturday long run.
Anonymous
Same. I have been good for the last 10 months. Rarely antsy. Content to leave my apartment once in 3 weeks to grocery shop and that’s it. And now I am DONE with it. For me it’s because the vaccine is here and so close. Yet in reality still so far away. I know even with the new administration making more efforts, it’ll be March-April at the very earliest that I can get it — as a younger person with a heart issue. In my state (Virginia) they are STILL only getting to the 75+ year olds so add to that the next crop of 65+ year olds and various groups like teachers, various people cutting ahead in line — so yeah it’s going to be a while and am I over it.
Vicky Austin
I’m here with you. I wish I had advice or comfort, but you’re not the only one feeling this way.
Anon
+1 I have been here with you many times on and off during the last few months! I am currently in a relatively upbeat mood since I got chores checked off my list and had a hike with a friend (masked) after a long, long time this weekend. But last week I was totally down and needed a pep.
Anonymous
We took the kids (4,8) skiing on Sunday and it was a huge morale boost to everyone. We drove to a local “mountain” (hill). We booted up in the car and did 2 hours of skiing. Ate in the car. 4 y/o peed in the porta-potty. It was our 4 y/o’s first time and she LOVED it, despite wearing a mask. Skis were the perfect way to enforce social distance– you have to work pretty hard to get in someone’s 6′ bubble while you both are wearing skis :).
The mountains are all at lower capacities so it was honestly the least crowded long weekend I have seen.
when we got back, DH and I talked and we realized we were all low-grade depressed. We spent Monday outside walking around town picking up trash as a family and it made a huge, huge difference.
Anonymous
I’m so glad you went skiing (and so jealous). I don’t feel comfortable going yet where I live (I’ve heard mask-wearing is very inconsistent), but I miss it so much. I already had to miss my big ski trip last March and while it’s obviously a luxury, it means a lot to me.
lifer
Thanks for sharing this.
You guys are great parents. Hang in there.
anon
That sounds like a lovely weekend!
pugsnbourbon
What’s Everlane sizing like? Based on the size charts it appears to run big – looking for confirmation before I order. There are some sale items that would fit in my wardrobe nicely.
Anon
I have only bought sweaters, but those have run slightly big. I am usually a small but based on reviews, I purchased an XS in three different styles, and all are a great fit.
Anon
The size chart for each item is normally accurate, but the sizing is different for each item… if that makes sense.
Anon
Wildly variant. Some things run big, some super small. Overall it’s a line I want to like but I return probably 80% of what I buy from them so I’ve just stopped.
Anon
+1
I’ve ordered several tops from Everlane, but due to inconsistent sizing have only kept the t-shirts. The button-up silk blouses were far too large, while shirts with any amount of stretch were clingy and tight.
pugsnbourbon
Okay – thanks for the info! It looks like they might have free returns so I’ll give it a shot.
editrix
I find Everlane pants to be a wee bit tight in the waist. Tops and sweaters run TTS or are generously sized. Caveat: I am a rectangle. I cannot get the hang of Everlane shoe sizes and have stopped ordering them.
pugsnbourbon
Ooh this gives me pause as a fellow rectangle. I appreciate the input.
Anon
i used folex to clean a couch cushion and it got out what i wanted to get out, but now there is what almost looks like a water stain at the edge, how do i fix this or avoid it in the future?
Anon
Check the manufacturer recommendations for the fabric on the sofa – some materials you are supposed to clean with water, some are no water (use like alcohol or a solvent). If it is one where water is ok, get a mini carpet cleaner (like a Bissell little green) that can extract the water from the fabric and go over the stain.
Anon
Usually you can spray/dab it with water, then use a blow dryer to dry it evenly.
Anonymous
I’ve had this happen with Folex and have had good luck essentially evenly saturating entire cushion and letting it dry evenly. You can go back and do it now too to get out the water stain.
Anon
Does Microsoft Teams have a Hollywood Squares setting like Zoom, where you can see all the participants at once?
all about eevee
No, Teams limits the number of participants you can see at one time and there’s currently no way to change it.
Pompom
Argh! I hate that! Thanks for confirming (I’m not the OP, but I too want to see everyone at once, and not myself in the teeniest lower right box).
Anon
That’s incorrect
AnonATL
There’s the large gallery and together mode options in my version that might fit what you are looking for. Click on the ellipsis at the top bar and it’s about midway down the menu.
Neither of those works especially great if you are doing a screen share as well, but you can see everyone more clearly.
Ribena
Together mode is referred to in my team as Guess Who mode, because it looks like the board game.
Cat
My Teams has a large group view — I understand it was being rolled out gradually, but we used it over the summer? OP, try looking up ‘together mode’ or ‘stadium view’ or ‘large gallery’
Anon
Yes but your administrator has to enable it. It’s still not as good as Zoom
Anon
I generally like Teams but yes, Zoom is way superior for video meetings. Unfortunately my whole office runs on Teams.
Anon
Disagree! Was zooming with friends recently and we all agree that we prefer Teams (which we all use at work)
Anon
Oh Hollywood Squares! I’ve been calling it the Brady Bunch setting.
tall t-shirts?
Tall, cusp sized ladies – where do you buy t-shirts? My sister, 5’10” and size 16-18 is having a rough time finding anything that fits and is flattering. Most t shirts are inadvertently midriff baring on her. Her smallest circumference just below her breasts and she looks generally awesome in empire waist clothing (plus she has the height to pull it off). I’m a solid 4 inches shorter (on a big hair day) so am totally useless to her as a resource but know there is someone here who has solved this problem!
broken toe
Try Duluth Trading Company or Lands End for tall womens’ sizing in that range.
Anon
These are my favorite (non-fancy) t-shirt – they’re cut exactly right for me and float away at the stomach but still taper in at the right spot under the bust: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07FFR3FDM/ Not super long but they are long enough for me at the same height. She might also check Madewell but I’ve heard they they quietly stopped producing extended sizes.
Mal
Universal Standard’s tees are great! Not cheap, but very well made.
Silly Valley
Lands’ End has plus talls, the only place I know of that does. Old Navy can work – their talls go up to XL or XXL depending on the item. Universal Standard and Duluth Trading also make good tees that look great on tall pears.
Anon
I’m fairly sure my sisters don’t post here, otherwise I’d be sure you were talking about me.
I’m also 5’10” and more of an 18/20 but have all the same issues your sister does.
I don’t wear standard t shirts for the most part. The word you’re looking for is tunic.
I personally like things to fit through the bust and to be kind of loose from there on down – so not exactly a band under the bust. That would theoretically be nice but would also look like a maternity garment. Believe me, I’ve been there.
I generally search on tunic when I’m looking for tops and I find a lot that way. Brands aimed at older women tend to be a little longer, but also boxier so you want to watch out for that. Recently I’ve had good luck with J Jill (and they have a super clearance thing going now), Eileen Fisher, and and just browsing size 1x sale at Nordstrom. I recently got my first stitch fix box, where I told them I was looking for longer tops, and I was pleasantly surprised with two of them. Maybe a stitch fix gift certificate for your sister? (If this is a gift buying thing)
But again, no off the rack t shirts. Go for something with a little more thought put into the cut.
Anonymous
How is your relationship with your sibling(s) — esp if it isn’t close or was close but isn’t any longer. Like how often to do you talk or text — is it more for pragmatic things like talking about elderly parents or is it more for fun/to maintain your own relationship. If you feel you don’t have a close relationship, is there a reason why/falling out or do you feel life just happened — i.e. you ended up on different coasts; you live totally different lives and can’t relate to the other person etc.?
I’ve learned thru this pandemic that what I thought was a close-ish (not besties but not we speak 2 times a year either) relationship with a sister was really just an obligatory type of relationship from her side and while a bit sad, I’m not THAT sad about it either much to my parents’ horror. We’re of an ethnic culture where family IS IT and siblings are your only best friends practically so they find it horrifying that our relationship is so “American.” I’m just curious how things are for the ladies on this board as I know we have many different walks of life, cultures etc.
Cat
Great when we are together in person (so 2-3 holidays a year – we have similar senses of humor etc so have no trouble amusing ourselves) but not much day to day. Occasionally the group chat will light up but we mostly do our catching up at family gatherings.
Senior Attorney
This isn’t really close to your situation, but I have an older half-brother whom I didn’t see much growing up. When I was in my 20s and 30s we were very close, then when I married my horrible second husband he and his wife cut us off because they couldn’t stand him. It was very very painful and now that I’m divorced from him and remarried, we’re still quite distanced. We text from time to time (mostly birthdays and holidays, occasionally about my dad) and when we see each other (maybe once a year, if that) that old magic is still there. But generally it’s distant. It’s sad but there you have it.
My younger brother, with whom I grew up, is just awful (chronically unemployed MAGAt who still takes money from my dad at age 60) and I don’t speak to him. Last time I saw him was at my mom’s funeral and if that’s the last time ever that will be fine with me.
Explorette
I was really close to my brother growing up and through my early 20’s. But he’s gone far right, isn’t stable in a career, and we just don’t have anything in common anymore. When I do talk to him, it’s because I want to know how my nephews are doing. I don’t feel any need to keep up a relationship just because we are related.
anon
I’m 43 and by brother is nine years younger than me. We are not close at all. We’ll text each other happy birthday, but that’s about it. I think part of it is the age difference. I was out of the house and in college when he was in middle and high school so we just didn’t spend that much time together. He lives out of state and there have been times where I’ve picked him up from the airport. I remember trying to initiate conversation with him and just got one word answers and he never really reciprocated and asked any questions about my life. I’ve had better small talk conversations with co-workers. When we would get together for the holidays, my husband would try talking to him too and got the same response.
We’re Indian, but I had close friends outside of the family. My mom is really close to her brothers and I know she wants the same for us, but I admit I sort of gave up on trying to have a relationship with my brother.
Anon
Ok so I have two sisters. My one sister is very dramatic, for lack of a better word, and every once in a while she will get a bug up her ass and just lay one of us out about all the past real and perceived injustices that were definitely our fault (forgetting that we were children in the same household and experiencing the same thing at the same time) – basically, her life hasn’t gone the way she thinks it should have, in most cases because she made very obvious bad choices, but that’s her siblings’ fault.
Soooo, the other sibling and I communicate with her but gingerly, like the broken stair, because we don’t need another epic meltdown that takes a year or so to move past.
The other sibling and I communicate but rarely see each other because career paths have taken us 2500 miles away from each other.
We all have children and they do not have a close relationship with their cousins – I’d say they barely know each other.
Anon
My brother and I are quite close but don’t text or call much so we mostly only talk when we’re together. We live in the same metro area so see each other once a month or so, but our texts outside of that are mostly limited to sharing memes or bringing up an old memory.
Pre covid, he’d come downtown more to go out and sometimes we’d meet up. He’s considering moving downtown so we’d probably see each other more if he does that!
ThirdJen
I seem to be an outlier but I’m one who wasn’t always close with my brother but is now. We text at least once a week and in non-pandemic times aim for at least one get together a month. When we weren’t close before, it was due to youth/different priorities and now that we’re in the same phase of life (young kids, older parents) we’ve come close again.
Anon
My sisters are some of the most evil people I have ever met. One of my biggest regrets in life is having ever spent any part of my life trying to forge a relationship with them.
Salty Cinnamon
^^^ Same. My sister is a horrible person.
CountC
Half the time I am not sure I have my sister’s correct cell phone number or address, meaning we are not close and I doubt she would tell me if it changed. In fact, she wouldn’t. I get that info from my mom. My sister is a perfectly nice person, but we were not close growing up despite being 18 months apart. We are very different people, with different interests, different outlooks, etc. We didn’t have anything to connect over, so we didn’t. If she needed something, I would help her, but I generally never talk to her outside of a holiday where we end up together (2020 was the first time in a long time that happened – thanks Zoom)! None of this bothers me. I don’t believe that family has to be BFFs. The people I trust with my life are my chosen family.
Anon
Looking for some furniture shopping help– DH and I have accumulated some home gym stuff over the past year (hand weights, kettlebells, yoga mats, resistance bands, etc.). The room we were using for exercise equipment is going to be a nursery, and we need to move the equipment into the living room. We would like to get a storage cabinet with doors to put our equipment in. Ideally, this would have two doors and fit in with our mid-century/farmhouse furniture. Obstacles are finding something that has enough weight capacity for weights and something that has the ability to have shelves spaces out enough to accommodate kettlebells and/or a yoga mat. Price would be mid-range– $200-300 but again not really sure what a piece like this should cost.
Anonymous
Ugh nesting fail.
Get a second hand solid wood armoire with shelves, be generous and varied with your search terms though as people who post on Craigslist aren’t as accurate as stores with terminology. Midcentury is going out of style again so you should easily be able to pick up a piece for your budget or less. Bonus is that you don’t have to wait for delivery and it’s environmentally friendly.
Anon
Where are you seeing that mid century is going out again?
Anonymous
Im seeing this in my major city among my design friends, and antique/vintage retailers. It’s my understanding that Victorian/Georgian/French Provincial is becoming a lot more prominent especially with the rise in things like cheap old houses on Instagram and the rise of the restoration community.
Anon
So… I get the idea of buying furniture to fit the style of a house, but that doesn’t mean clunky Victorian furniture is in to decorate my new-build tall skinny. We aggressively tried not to buy mid-century furniture for our home because we thought it would look dated soon, but when we went shopping recently, it was pretty much all that was available that would fit in our home. (And yes, I shop places other than West Elm.)
Anonymous
Yeah, same issue with our transitional home. I don’t want to buy MCM because I think it’s ugly, and because it will look dated in a few years just like all the Mission stuff from the early 2000s. We just had to buy a couple of new pieces and went with a very plain Shaker style in hopes that it would be classic enough to have some staying power.
Anonymous
Nothing wrong with mid century it’s just not at the cutting edge of design which means its not very valuable.
Anonymous
Get a second hand solid wood armoire with shelves, be generous and varied with your search terms though as people who post on Craigslist aren’t as accurate as stores with terminology. Midcentury is going out of style again so you should easily be able to pick up a piece for your budget or less. Bonus is that you don’t have to wait for delivery and it’s environmentally friendly.
Anonymous
Midcentury is going out of style?!? Hallelujah! How long do I have to wait before that trickles down to the mass market?
Anon
This sounds like a great way to upcycle an old TV cabinet. There are tons of those available for free or nearly so, many in solid wood. Since they were made for now-obsolete tube tvs, they can handle a good amount of weight.
London
Just an update. I had posted awhile ago asking about dressing for virtual interviews for a job in London, and I just found out that I got the position!!!! I’m SO incredibly excited!
If anyone has any advice for being an expat or specifically being an expat in London, I’d love to hear :)
Holly Flax
Congrats! How exciting!
Ribena
Congratulations! The biggest two things that may take time to adjust to (based on conversations I’ve had with people in a similar situation) are:
– pay is monthly in professional roles in the U.K., in 99% of companies. Home rents are usually quoted monthly but are sometimes weekly in London (to make prices seem less scary)
– everyone uses public transport in London. Taking the tube or a bus is fairly income-agnostic (other than the very top and bottom of the income scale).
Anonymous
Congratulations!
Recommend the Londonist site to read about what’s going on (not an expat page).
Anon
That’s so exciting. Are you able to move there considering covid or are you going to work remotely?
Emma
Aspiring Kennedy is a SAHM but her blog has some nice London resources.
I spent six months in London for work. I had a great time, although they aren’t kidding about it being expensive. I took the tube or walked everywhere. Museums are free! It’s beautiful and although the British took a little while to warm up, they ended up being so lovely and great to work with.
Senior Attorney
OMG so exciting! Congratulations!
Ness
Congratulations!! You are going to be a Londoner!! You are going to love the city. Everyday is something going on.
Join to internations.org, most of professional London expats are there. It is where I met my girls group. They organize social events and online too. You can start to check there now and join to some of its online events.
To meet locals join to some activity you like. As I am into hiking I joined a walking club, if you like that, “Metropolitan walkers” organize hikes outside london (you do no need a car, the meeting point is always a train station) but also at least a weekly city walk after work (with your work clothes) that always finish in a pub. Group training in the park is also a good idea (specially if you live near a public park (common))
In my first job a colleague recomended me the book “Watching the English”, that, plus the table with “What the English say, the foreigner undestand and what they really mean” made my work life too much easy.
Regarding practicalities, there is wifi everywhere and the most expensive things are transport and rent, then take in consideration both things together when you look for a place to live. Some tube lines are super quick (victorya blue&grey) and others are super slow (green and dark blue). London boroughts (neighborhoods) are like little villages with their own soul and people make a lot of their lifes there. I will look for a nice one with a short comute if you can affort that.
Let me know if I can be of any help.
IRS mail
I mailed a tax form to the IRS (not a tax return) two weeks ago, and it’s taken a LONG time to get to the Fresno IRS facility, long enough that I’m now running up against a deadline. This morning, I checked the tracking and it shows “available for pickup – your package arrived at the Fresno post office and is ready for pickup.” Any idea what this means? I am fingers crossed assuming that this means the IRS truck will come pick it up later today?
Senior Attorney
I don’t know but doesn’t the IRS count timeliness by the postmark on the filing?
OP
Sadly for this form, it might be received date (really complicated for some reason and the advice I’ve received is unclear – like I might be okay with it postmarked by a date, but I might not…ugh).
gerbert
If you were going to describe someone’s style as “modest power-dressing,” what would they wear? (how would you define either part of the term?)
Ribena
I’d wonder if they meant ‘modest’ in the religious sense or the humble sense. If the former, I’d expect low hemlines and high necklines. If the latter, I’d expect not to see anything ‘loud’ in terms of colour or branding (eg a plain leather tote rather than an LV Neverfull)
Anonymous
Gross I would never use modest to describe an adult woman’s clothing. It reeks of purity culture.
Anon
+1
Anon
Maybe that’s what the person who is going to wear the clothes wants? I’m not one of them but I do recognize that it is still other people’s sincerely held religious belief that they should dress modestly.
No Face
I don’t dress modestly in the religious sense (like a Mormon or Muslim woman), but I prefer a more modest clothing style and find those blogs useful for outfit ideas. No need to think a term is “gross” just because it is affiliated with religious people.
Anonymous
+1. Having been harassed at work, I go for modest armor.
LaurenB
“Modest” makes me think of religious restrictions, such as covered elbows or knees, or possibly covered hair. “Power-dressing” makes me think of 1980s dress for success suits.
gerbert
This is why I asked, haha. Someone told me that my “look” was “modest power dressing” and I was just like… I don’t know if that’s a good thing… I’ve seen pictures of the Eighties Business Lady and it is NOT what I’m going for.
Anon
Power dressing (to me) is business wear, which is always pretty modest. Not sure I understand your question
Anon
Skirt suits and pant suits are not modest by the religious definition for some people.
Anonymous
I would not use the term ‘modest’ regardless of which sense you mean; there’s too much potential for confusion.
Mal
My definition of each:
Power-dressing: Confident, impeccably tailored, sharp, at least somewhat dressy, allow you to move comfortably and feel great in your skin (most important!), makes you feel like the best version of yourself
Modest : No overt branding or logos, no flashy/obviously expensive jewelry, tailored rather than fitted, no overly short skirts or high slits, shoes that read ‘professional’ and polished & wouldn’t be confused with clubwear, clothing that makes you the focus rather than your clothing/stuff
gerbert
Ok, cool. The comment about “modest power dressing” was made about me (unsolicited, by someone whose fashion sense I will not be emulating, but it just kinda stuck in my head, y’know?) and since we all know women are defined by what they wear/how they look and not what they do, I was interested to know what someone would think of first when they heard the term. Your definition is what I try for, although I think I could work on the tailoring bit!
Anon
To me, it means you wear a shirt/cami/blouse under your suit instead of au naturale like a fashion model. And you rock confidence.
Anon
I would describe myself as a modest dresser, and I’m an atheist. I don’t like to show cleavage, I don’t like bodycon, and I like skirts to be at or slightly longer than knee length – 25” length or longer on my 5’10” self. I won’t wear leggings-tight pants to work, which lots of ponte pants are, and I generally cover my rear with longer jackets or cardigans (some of which is just a proportional choice because I’m tall and “shrunken” or cropped items look ridiculous on me). I also don’t wear animal print or bright colors.
I love luxurious fabrics and good tailoring and I pay a lot for my work clothes, but I’d rather be remembered for my work.
gerbert
Does shrunken look good on anyone? I’m short and it just looks like I borrowed my little sister’s clothes.
Anon
Shrunken blazers were basically all you could buy in the 2005-2015ish era. It was not a good time for me.
Anonymous
I would expect modest as in some sort of religiously based modesty rules, and very, very expensive clothes.
Or very fashionable. As an example, I saw some images at
the haute hijab blog that’s just what I’m thinking of, but of course also different versions of modesty.
Nudibranch
The Fold seems to fit this description.
Anon
what do i write in an email when reaching out to a potential realtor? just that i’m looking for a house and want to set up a time to chat? i have a list of questions for when we actually talk on the phone, but does it matter what i write in that initial email? for some reason i’m nervous – maybe i’m overthinking it because we are first time buyers?
BB
what do i write in an email when reaching out to a potential realtor? just that i’m looking for a house and want to set up a time to chat? i have a list of questions for when we actually talk on the phone, but does it matter what i write in that initial email? for some reason i’m nervous – maybe i’m overthinking it because we are first time buyers?
Allie
This. You’re hiring a realtor to provide a service for which they will (if you buy) be very well-paid.
Anon
So, one thing I did that may or may not matter is when we interviewed a couple of realtors and we specifically did not give our exact budget range until we were sure we were going to hire the one we chose. We are in a really hot, competitive market where a few realtors dominate the scene and I figured in the case we were bidding on a house that someone we talked to but didn’t end up using was selling, it did us no favors to have them know what our full budget was (in case we were going to bid less than what we could technically afford).
Anonymous
I never revealed our true max budget, just our target range. Know that even a “buyer’s agent” will always try to push you to see homes outside of your stated range, and to bid above your stated range. I have seen buyers’ agents actively fan the flames of bidding wars.
Anon
That’s also a good point. Don’t even get me started on how the whole set up of how they get paid more the more you spend seems so twisted to me.
Cat
+1
We were technically approved for a mortgage that was more than double what we actually wanted to spend on a house. I didn’t see any reason for our realtor to know that information.
Anon
+1 I don’t ever consider our mortgage approval number our “budget”, and therefore also wouldn’t share that. To me that number is a meaningless number (although nice to have the umbrella for when one wants to bid within their actual budget).
To me our budget is what I worked out in a spreadsheet with all of our income and costs and backed into what makes sense.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this. Remember everybody in the transaction gets paid from the buyer’s money so everybody’s incentive is to close, and at as high a number as possible.
OP
don’t I have to share some kind of budget with a realtor at some point? let’s say hypotehtically speaking our max number is 900k, do I say that it is 800 or 850?
Anonymous
Yeah, you have to share a budget so they will show you homes in your range, but understate your maximum unless it’s not really your max.
Anon
But then you’re not being shown houses at the price point you’d actually pay! So you lose out. If your realtor is showing you prices that are too high, you can firmly say no, please show me under X and they will comply.
Anon
In my experience our realtor was sending us plenty of houses above our budget “just in case” kind of thing, I have a feeling that is pretty common. But yes, OP should make sure there are actually at least some houses that sell in her target range that she would be happy with.
Also, between Zillow and Redfin and all of the filters you can use for the daily or instant emails you can set up, I don’t need to be snarky but do you really need the realtor to send you listings these days? The realtor can still add value by giving neighborhood insights, and hand hold during the purchase etc etc but for listings I feel like that can be pretty DIY now.
Anon
I’m the one who started the thread above. I would personally be more concerned about sharing until you are sure someone is going to be your realtor (i.e. you like them etc.).
But others have good points about even after. Maybe if your max is 900, I’m assuming you would prefer to spend 800-850 if you could? So maybe just say your target is “around’ that 800-850 range or whatever… your realtor will likely send you listings a little higher than that anyway (and you can use Redfin). Then when push comes to shove you can reveal the willingness to do higher as needed.
Cat
Yes, of course, just be strategic about it. This works best if you’ve done some homework (like nosing around your preferred towns or neighborhoods on Zillow so you have a general idea of how much, say, a 4 bed 3.5 bath house costs in Town X) — you can show the realtor a few examples of homes you like in your price range.
My point above was that the number the bank tells you (pre-approves you) that you can borrow =/= the number that needs to be your budget at all (whether your real budget or your public-facing budget).
emeralds
As a counterpoint to the advice you’re getting from other folks, we were upfront about our budget, since we knew from preliminary research that we’d be in one of the most competitive price points in our market–we wanted someone who was used to navigating in that price point, and could give us a sense of whether what we were looking for was realistic.
emeralds
(And our budget was what we were actually willing to pay, not what the bank would approve us for.)
anan
I agree that you don’t need to share any of this in your introductory letter. I would tell the realtor how you got their information or if someone referred you; they tend to like to know.
The Original ...
President-elect Joe Biden has tapped Pennsylvania Health Secretary Rachel Levine to be his assistant secretary of health, leaving her poised to become the first openly transgender federal official to be confirmed by the U.S. Senate.
HELL YEAH!!
(To be clear, this woman is more than qualified for this role. The celebration comes because, too often, transgender people are kept from opportunities due to their gender identity. When we celebrate a transgender person entering into a position of power, it isn’t because they are trans, it is because we get to see someone qualified and able not being stopped for also being trans. So often, trans people are forced to choose career or identity; YAY to President-Elect Biden for seeing all of her, for accepting her, and for allowing her to serve us.)
pugsnbourbon
*happy dance*
PNW
Just a few moments ago I sent a link about this to my transgender daughter. She’s still in college and I worry so much about the work world for her; outside of creative or artistic work it seems like it will be a real struggle. So I welcome any news like this.
Anon
I work in tech and have had several transgender coworkers over the years, if you’re looking for other success stories.
Anonymous
I know a bunch of tax people who are trans or non-binary. It seems that no one cares who you are if you can just do the work.
PNW
Thank you, and to anon at 12:57. This actually does help. I just worry :)
Anonymous
I don’t know how true that is for most people/places. Companies have never been so aggressively inclusive than they seem to be today. I think the Internet has actually played a negative role in convincing people that the world is more dangerous than it is – and most people on the Internet don’t understand statistics either.
pugsnbourbon
My wife works for the state’s largest healthcare system (not religiously-affiliated) and they were great about her transition. Shoot, even getting her drivers license changed was pretty painless. And this is in Indiana, a state not exactly known for its progressiveness. So there are options for her :)
PNW
Thank you!
anon
My former biglaw firm had a partner who was a trans woman. I think that when she transitioned it was kind of a big deal (it was in the 1990s) but by the time that I started, it was such a nonissue that most people weren’t even aware of it. She was well-known within the firm and held a lot of leadership roles prior to retiring a few years back. I would never minimize the challenges trans people face – they are real and significant – but there are definitely professionally successful trans people in many industries. There a ton of highly placed and prominent trans women in tech, for example.
Anonymous
Kind of bums me out that we never talk about tr@ns men in these conversations.
Anonymous
I know this is super not helpful but all the trans men I know pass really well, and thus employment discrimination isn’t really as big an issue. I think it’s easier for trans men which is why the conversation often focuses on trans women.
Anonymous
I don’t know if employment discrimination is less of an issue. No one seems to be looking into it and if you look at things like pay rates between men and women, tr@ns men are probably lumped in with men in most places and therefore look like they’re making more then they probably are. “See, the average pay for men is already higher than women so there’s no problem!” – but does that include all men?
Anon
Up until the last few years, people who transitioned tended to not do so until they were well into adulthood. Trans women built their careers in tech with the benefit of being men (as perceived by others), and then had enough of a reputation that they could manage the transition without (too much) discrimination.
Trans men started off being discriminated against for being women, then got discriminated against again for being trans.
anon
Honestly, the truth is that I know a lot of trans women personally and know of a fair number of trans women in the business world by reputation, but I don’t know any trans men personally and hardly any by reputation/in the media (Blair Braverman’s husband Q is the only one I can think of).
On “passing,” the trans woman partner at my firm is someone you would not have known was trans unless you were told. Which resulted in super awkward situation where a painfully woke young summer associate demanded to know why the firm didn’t have trans people in leadership, and upon being told that in fact we did, insisted that she wouldn’t believe us unless we told her who it was. Explaining that a trans person doesn’t owe it to you to be public about that aspect of her life was…quite the conversation.
No Face
Very happy to see a slate of competent professionals of varying backgrounds! Trump’s main standard was how far people would go in debasing themselves in propping him up.
AnonATL
+1. I’m very happy to see the effort they have made to appoint qualified people that aren’t a bunch of middle aged white dudes
Anonymous
That was his main standard, but he also cared if you looked the part, including whether you were tall enough to run the Fed.
Anon
I’m in PA and I’m jazzed (though sad to lose her here)
CountC
Ditto!
Anon
Late 30s, super fair skin plus some rosacea on cheeks. I have a tiny spot on my face that bugs me, slightly raised, skin color, no marking on it. In the same spot as Obama and so many other’s, near my nose on my cheek. It’s been scanned and isn’t cancerous, just cosmetic. It’s visible to others though too small to be prominent and to myself and makeup won’t cover it as it’s raised not discolored. My skin is otherwise bump or indentation free, so I find myself fixating. Debating trying to have it removed for cosmetic reasons but worried the scar would be worse than the mark plus I’m guessing it’s super expensive. Any experience or advice?
anon
I saw my derm about a similar issue. He said he was willing to remove it, but that he wouldn’t recommend doing it because of the scarring issue. At that point, I decided to get over it and not be bothered by it. It’s still there, but I don’t notice it/fixate on it anymore.
lifer
+1
Scar or mole?
If it really bugs you, go see a board-certified cosmetic surgeon, and be willing to invest in the post-surgery laser therapy. I thought about removing a small, dark, raised mole near my eye and ultimately decided I’ll just make peace with it for now since it’s so small. On the other hand, I removed a mole on my lip and I’m 10000% happy I got that done.
My surgeon also said you have to decide between mole or scarring, but you can do your best to minimize scaring with a good surgeon and aftercare.
theguvnah
do you remember the name of it? I had two similar-sounding things removed from the creases and side of my nose 6 months ago and there’s been no scarring at all – I’m thrilled I did it. I’m trying to remember the names of them, they basically looked like moles except skin-colored. It was a super easy procedure and I’m so glad I did it.
anon
Hoping to get some insight (or links to old discussions?) – I am starting a new in-person job with a longer commute. I won’t have an office (“rotating hot seats”), but I do have a car. What do I keep in my car? Extra clothes? Toothbrush? Dry shampoo? Uh.. I don’t know. I’ve always lived close to work and I would just run home in case of “something” going wrong.
Anon
Does your job involve you sleeping overnight on a couch at the office? Because I’ve never kept any of that at work. I have a public-facing role, so my emergency stash at work consists of: makeup for touch-ups, spare bobby pins, breath mints, and eye drops.
Senior Attorney
I’d add extra contact lenses if you wear them, deodorant (a time or two a year I forget to put it on — just me?), menstrual supplies of course. Also I keep a change of clothes and shoes in case there’s an earthquake and I have to walk home.
pugsnbourbon
Not just you, there is a travel size deodorant stick in my bag at all times.
anon
Deodorant! Yes! I forget this … too often. Thanks.
Gail the Goldfish
+shoes. I keep a pair of foldable flats with me if I’m wearing heels, because you never know when there will be a fire alarm or an emergency or whatever and you’ve got to get down 10 flights of stairs in a hurry or whatever.
anon
It shouldn’t! You’re right. I’m mildly clumsy and have spilled (coffee, dressing, whatever) on myself while eating a handful of times. When I think about it, it can’t have been more than once or twice a year. I think Cat is right – if it happens, I’ll go buy something.
Eye drops & breathmints will be on the list, thank you.
Cat
Will you have any dedicated storage area? I wouldn’t want to leave my office go-to’s (gum and mints, snacks, makeup for touch-ups, basic medical stuff, tampons and pads, contact lens solution and case along with my second-oldest pair of glasses) in the car because (1) some of it wouldn’t do well in the heat or cold, and (2) when you need some of it quickly…. you really need it quickly.
For things like toiletries and changes of clothes (extremely unusual needs for me, anyway) I would just rely on driving to a store near the office as needed.
anon
I do not have a dedicated storage area (that I know of). For the smallest stuff (I do wear contacts and I menstruate), I could just have a tiny pouch in my commuting bag.
I just googled the new job surrounds (I’m generally unfamilar with the area) and found a Target and also a mall about 10 minutes away. I think you’re right – I can just leave work and buy something at the Gap factory. Thanks, this takes a load off.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I wouldn’t necessarily keep anything in the car that you wouldn’t take into the office with you. I’m envisioning a tote bag with snacks, breath mints, makeup for touch-ups, hand cream, ibuprofen, pads or tampons, anything that you might like to have handy, and then a smaller pouch for things like your phone, wallet, and keys, and then each day you toss in that pouch in the tote along with whatever shoes you’re wearing to work (if you like to drive in sneakers and change into your pumps at the office), and you’re good to go.
NYNY
I feel like hot desk should only be for hybrid in-office/WFH situations, but if you’re full-time in the office without a permanent spot, you should have some sort of locker on site. Barring that, I second Thanks, it Has Pockets! suggestion of a tote bag equivalent to a desk drawer. I’ve always maintained:
– tampons
– ibuprofen
– sewing kit, safety pins
– bandaids & alcohol pads (which make excellent spot cleaners for minor lunch accidents!)
– deodorant
– hand lotion, lip balm
– breath mints
Congrats on the new job!
Anon
I used to keep all my nice shoes at the office, I never wore them for commuting.
Anon
Small supply of acetaminophen, ibuprofen or OTC allergy medication if you occasionally need these for a headache or seasonal allergy flareup. I’m not sure if that would work in a car that might get hot in summer, so maybe a few individual tablets in your bag if you think you might need these.
Anon
I would like to join some book clubs, but can’t afford to spend $40 to $60 a month buying the books to read for the clubs. They generally read newer releases, so I wouldn’t get off the hold list at the library until long after the book club meets. Are there any Netflix-like services for ebooks? I know of audible, but don’t really like listening to books. Thanks for any recommendations.
Anon
What kind of books are ya’ll reading that cost $40? Normal book clubs meet once a month and most hard backs are in the $10 to $20 range. Find a normal book club.
anon
+1
Anon
I don’t know where OP is, but in Canada a new hardback generally costs $25-35! And if you’re a member of a few clubs, there’s $60 right here.
Anon
I’ extremely bored during COVID, and am looking at joining 2 or 3 clubs. But honestly, spending $20 a month on a book picked by others really isn’t in my budget either
anon
I’m an avid reader, and I haven’t seen anything like this that provides access to a wide range of new releases. I’d suggest starting with 2 book clubs, one that focuses on new releases and one that has a broader range of books that you may be able to pick up used or get from the library.
I read almost exclusively books I check out from the library, and I’m usually 6 months to a year behind the new release schedule.
Anonymous
Join a library-based book club. During the pandemic you can join them pretty much anywhere in the country.
nom
My experience has been that I can get most of the ebooks for my book club from my local public library( via the Libby app). We determine which books that we plan to read well in advance (and we’re a bunch of nerds so we do nominations and instant runoff voting), so it’s pretty easy to put the next 6 months worth of books on hold. Plus you can “suspend” holds until you’re ready to read the book, so having things on hold is actually an advantage.
Senior Attorney
Also you could always start your own book club with older/cheaper books. There must be other people in your situation!
Senior Attorney
Why am I in mod all of a sudden?
Anon
Can you join neighboring libraries? I’m a member of four counties’ library systems – here once you have a card for your county, you can join the others. Also if you request a book at one library, they pull from every library in the county so there are really 20 copies rather than 2 so you get it faster than you’d think.
Jeffiner
My book club does books written in the 1920s-1950s, so no new releases, but I get them all on my kindle. They are cheaper than physical copies, and some are available from the kindle library to check out for free.
I like the kindle for reading in bed at night, its easier to hold and the light doesn’t bother my partner. But it is harder to flip backwards and find a statement I missed (my book club does mysteries).
Anonymous
I have seen people post requests to borrow current books on my neighborhood message boards and offers in response to lend. It isn’t fool-proof by any means, but if you get lucky a few times, and get lucky at the library a few times, you can lower the cost.
Inside of a dog
+1 on looking into the Libby app from your library and library-based book clubs.
You may be able to get reciprocal borrowing privileges from a library in a neighboring county, or the county where you work. I’ve been able to borrow sought-after books much quicker due to borrowing from the underutilized library in the county where I work.
Reads too much...
Scribd is a service that does this — it tends to have more “bestsellers” than Kindle Unlimited in ebook form. However, it has a lot of the newest books as audiobooks and not ebooks.
Therapy
Honest question. How does everyone on here just so casually afford therapy all the time?
It seems to me that getting insurance to cover it is difficult. To be fair, I have a HMO type plan so that probably doesn’t help, but I did an intake call with someone to see if I qualified for therapy as a benefit and despite the fact that I couldn’t get through the intake call without bawling twice I didn’t qualify. But even when I was in a PPO I had to hit this huge $$ amt for them to even start partially covering it.
Separately, when I tried to just do out of pocket recently I had a referral for a therapist that quoted me over $200 an hour. I asked if we could do sessions every other week instead of every week and it was like she couldn’t get me off of the phone fast enough. And just to really make sure I understood how basic I was, mentioned she often sees clients a couple of times a week in response to my timing question. Okay, so, cool… are there really that many people that walk around spending over $20K a year on therapy? And this wasn’t the first therapist I tried to see that said they wouldn’t see me if I couldn’t commit to a weekly session.
So…how does everyone do it? I even make a decent amount of money, but with childcare and retirement savings etc. etc. I just don’t have an extra $400+ a month lying around for a therapy budget. Does everyone else’s insurance cover it fully? Is it just a truly rich person thing?
Just trying to marry together the fact that I think I could stand to talk to someone; everyone throws out on here so casually that all solutions are to see a therapist; yet I don’t understand how it is assumed that everyone can just afford a therapist. What am I missing????
Thank you.
lifer
Yes, therapy is expensive.
Yes, we don’t have enough therapists willing to accept insurance. Many/most are trying to maximize income
But many people on this board make good money.
And many people on this board have good health insurance with reasonable deductibles.
And many people on this board prioritize their health. When you need therapy, it is more important than retirement savings.
So, you have a high deductible HMO plan? Through your employer? Do you have a choice of a PPO plan that provides better coverage, although more expensive monthly? If you know you want therapy, it is good to bite the bullet and sign up for better coverage for that year.
You go to your primary care doctor, get a referral/diagnosis/documentation of medical need to ensure that it is covered via your insurance. You don’t let some random person on the phone ?decide whether or not you need therapy.
You ask your doctor for affordable therapist recommendations. Then you spend a lot of time scanning the internet for options, asking here for recommendations in your city, contact your local NAMI organization for recommendations. If you are very low income, there are additional options in some cities.
Some web based therapists are much much cheaper, although they may be cash only. Find out if your health insurance covers web based therapy (many do now!).
And you ask your friends who have therapists.
It can be hard. But it is not impossible. But can be hard… when you feel like crap.
Anonymous
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. My insurance covers therapy fully, though I think they don’t pay much because very few people take it. Took me a while to find someone who takes my insurance, has availability when I need it, and with whom I click. Hugs.
Anon
There was a point when I had to put my student loans in forbearance because my mental health was that shaky and my insurance didn’t cover therapy and I simply didn’t have enough money otherwise. FWIW, hourly therapists in the DC area have been $120-$150ish. I haven’t run across anyone charging $200/hr. Even when I wanted to see my therapist twice a week, she insisted once a week was adequate time for me to process things, and it was.
Don’t forget that this board skews very wealthy. Healthcare, particularly mental healthcare, is sadly the province of the wealthy in the U.S.
Anonymous
It often is covered by insurance. I also found local grad schools often offer counselors in training at very low rates. If you want to see a therapist, you usually can.
pugsnbourbon
It’s not just a rich person thing – but if you’re not rich, it’s a hell of a lot harder to access. It takes an annoying amount of research, calling around, calling insurance, etc.
A couple things that have helped me:
– see a psychiatrist only for med management or work with you PCP to manage meds.
– reach out to a LCSW or similar to see if they are more reasonable. I’ve been seeing one for about two years and it’s $90/session (she doesn’t take insurance).
– if your workplace has an EAP, see if they have resources.
– I’ve never had a therapist require that I see them with a certain frequency – I can’t say whether or not that’s common, but there are providers who don’t have that policy.
– I personally have not used online therapy, but it may be more affordable.
And it’s really frustrating how expensive and difficult it is – especially when you’re already struggling. I hope you can find a therapist soon.
It really does suck how expensive it is. I hope you can find someone
Anonymous
Even $90 a session is definitely in rich person territory.
pugsnbourbon
I understand; the reason I mentioned the price was in relation to OP’s sessions that were $200. Still pricey but significantly lower.
Anon
I would put $90 a session as a “comfortable middle class” expense. Depending on the situation, a lot of therapeutic goals can be accomplished in 8-12 sessions, which is $800 to $1100. A lot of comfortable middle class people have that in an FSA, savings, or can temporarily cut back on retirement for it.
Anon
So many therapists are terrible though; I would hate to invest that much just to end up the same or worse off.
anon
I could use therapy, my husband could use therapy, we could use couple’s therapy. We can’t afford it. I haven’t been able to find anyone in network with our insurance company, which controls 80% of the market in our state and is the only company offering individual plans in our area. A family member is a licensed clinical therapist in our area, and she knows a lot of private practitioners. Nobody she knows accept insurance. The reimbursement rates are just too low.
Our son sees multiple therapists. He sees a psychiatrist for medication, and the psychiatrist is OON but accepts insurance. That costs us $130 each visit, which is every 3 months, plus every time we need a medication adjustment. He sees a psychologist for individual therapy on an as-needed basis (as often as once a week, as little as once every few months). She does not accept insurance and charges about $300 per hour. He sees a play therapist who is employed by an academic institution that is in network, and that costs $100 per session until we meet our in-network deductible, and then $25.
Leelu
I was in a very toxic job for over a year and I went to therapy almost every week, $150 a pop not covered by insurance. I spent I think $5K or $6K during that stretch, but it was worth it because I would’ve quit without a job lined up or really damaged my marriage without therapy. If your insurance doesn’t cover therapy – and a lot of therapists do not accept insurance or just send you a superbill – there are also online therapy sites that might help for a lower fee.
Anon
We have an HMO plan (in DC) so are limited to in-network providers. Once that box is checked, it’s a $15 co-pay per week. It does mean having to be able to afford $750 a year in therapy costs, but we’re not shelling out anything close to $20k a year.
Anon
I have federal blue cross and my co-pay is $30, no deductible and plenty of people take it.
Senior Attorney
I see a lot of people saying therapists don’t accept insurance, and that’s largely true. That means they aren’t willing to do the insurance billing themselves. However almost all therapists will provide you with an itemized statement that you can submit to your insurance company yourself. You still have to pay the full amount up front, which I get that many people can’t do, but the insurance company will reimburse the covered amount. That’s what I do with my therapist who doesn’t accept insurance.
Anonymous
+1 my therapist doesn’t ‘accept’ most insurance companies but I just do the claims process myself. It’s like 5 minutes of paperwork every few months (I wait until I have a lot of bills and claim them all at once).
Anonymous
… but if the provider is out-of-network, you lose out on the negotiated in-network rates and are subject to the out-of-network deductible and co-payments, which can be substantial.
Senior Attorney
That is certainly true. But some insurance money is better than none, and I’m just pointing out an option that hasn’t been raised. YMMV, always.
Anon
My employer’s PPO plan covers 80% of the cost of mental health after a $100 deductible but the plan participant has to submit the claims themselves for reimbursement and is responsible for the remaining 20% coinsurance. For weekly therapy, it comes out to a $15-20K benefit on an annual basis (the participant would still end up paying ~$3k over the course of the year). Most of the best therapists in our city are ~$300 / hr and do not coordinate directly with health insurance companies. The ones who do usually don’t have great availability and according to my friends and colleagues are not as good. It would be cost prohibitive without coverage like this.
Anon
Late reply but my insurance (standard blues pop) will pay 80% of “customary” after you meet the annual deductible. $300/hour isn’t anywhere near customary, so they’re going to be paying 80% of something like $80-$120/hr. Which would work out to less than 50% of your therapist visits.
Anonymous
There are different ways to access therapy depending on insurance/etc. I had the same shock that you did at the cost, but also really needed therapy. A few things to think about depending on your benefits/location:
– If your employer, or your spouse’s employer, has an Employee Assistance Program, that’s a place to start – they often cover up to 8 visits for free for both employee + family members.
– I find that telehealth has opened up more cost effective options (there are apps you can use, you can contact a therapist located somewhere with a lower cost of living).
– Many therapists will also negotiate their rates.
– I’m not sure what your insurance plan is like but mine will reimburse me a small amount for out of network care which helps offset the cost. I have to jump through a lot of hoops to get reimbursed but it does happen eventually.
– As others have mentioned, sometimes universities with grad students have lower cost/free appointments with students training to become therapists.
– There are also forms of therapy people don’t always think of – for example, if you belong to a church, they often will facilitate counseling services. While it’s not the same as a traditional therapist, it’s a place to start.
– Depending on what you are struggling with, there may be support groups out there that are free that could be an interim solution. Certain things (chronic illnesses, grief, infertility, miscarriage, weight loss, addiction, abuse, etc.) often have free support groups through community organizations, many of which are online right now. Not the same as individual therapy but could help while you figure out a more cost effective way to find individual therapy.
– If you are in an HMO, can you talk to your PCP about getting them to refer you to someone so it’s in network?
Those are my initial suggestions. Good luck, I’m sorry you are having this experience. Mental healthcare should be more accessible.
anon
Insurance issues with therapy is a huge problem. Navigating this often makes your MH go down or prolongs the process as your MH issue may get in the way of you going through the process. So, I’m sending you lots of love.
Here are my recommendations:
1) As mentioned above, if your company has an EAP, go through that first.
2) You may need to “date around” with therapists to find one that works for you – this is normal.
3) Look at the “in network” therapists available through your insurance website – sometimes your plan will also include some benefit for out of network therapists. You may have to submit a claim to recoup costs though.
4) Definitely get a medical diagnosis from your PCP in order to push the benefits
5) Your insurance may only cover a set number of visits a year. Make sure you know this.
6) You can use your HSA/FSA (if you have one) for payments to therapists even if the therapists do not take insurance
7) Ask therapists if they have sliding scale rates – many do
8) As mentioned above, a LCSW is less expensive than an MD and just as effective. The only thing they cannot do is prescribe medication. Your PCP may be able to help with this initially. If you need to see a psychiatrist, do that just for meds. Do not use them as your therapist.
9) Many people are having good success with teletherapy. So, maybe check out some of the apps (betterhealth, talk space etc) to see if those are affordable. They are also FSA/HSA eligible.
10) Medical expenses (those not covered by an FSA/HSA or insurance) are deductible if you do not claim the standard deduction – I know it’s not super helpful from a cash flow perspective but it’s something
11) Next time your open enrollment pops up, do a comparison of all of the plans offered and specifically look at # of visits allowed (if there’s a cap), co-pay of each, and the overall cost to you if you pay for each plan + out of pocket costs for therapy (annualize it). If possible, fully fund the FSA/HSA. For the FSA, the full amount that you fund is available immediately and just a little out of your check each pay period.
Anon
Thank you all. Looks like I have a few options to explore. (And open to further responses!).
As a lot of you have alluded to, I think I remember reading on here maybe? that telling a struggling person to find therapy is like asking someone with a broken leg to walk to the hospital. I feel that acutely. It’s like the amount of effort to get to the point where I get a door slammed in my face feels monumental, and it’s hard to motivate to start again down another path. :/
Anon
Can you start with your insurance company (often available online) and look up in-network providers that way. This should cover your first question of whether they are in-network. Then you can call or email re: accepting new patients. The blue cross website lists if in-network providers are accepting new patients but I don’t know how up to date it is.
And I totally hear you about the struggle navigating the health care system in the US!
Anon
I have an all-in-house HMO, and did not meet their screening criteria. (The HMO is normally awesome for everything else).
Anon
In the time of COVID, most providers are only meeting via telehealth. This is actually a huge advantage to you; it means you can meet with any provider in your state. Providers outside of the metro areas often charge a lot less for therapy, so you can save a fair amount of money by finding a therapist located in, say, Amherst MA instead of Boston MA.
On tomorrow’s post, post your state (licensing rules require that the therapist be licensed in your state) and anything about your situation that would help us to find a good therapist for you – the general situation causing you to want therapy (marital discord, general anxiety, PTSD, trauma, etc.), preferences you have re: religion, anything else about a therapist or your situation that would be pertinent.
annieO
Hugs of encouragement! It is hard to feel like mental health is only for the well off! My new therapist didn‘t bat an eye when I said I could only do every other week, so stick with it! BetterHelp has good rates and if you get a referral (look at Les Carter‘s videos on narcissist abuse and use his link), it is even cheaper. You got this!!
Mal
I’m not a high-earner, and have a very high-deductible insurance plan. I was lucky, however, that the therapist practice I was referred to by a friend accepted my insurance (Blue Cross). Before COVID, my copay was $50/session (down from $80/session early on). Right now my copay is covered by Blue Cross as a COVID benefit (yay!) so I’m trying to take advantage of it as much as possible until that is revoked.
No real advice here – but commiseration. If I had to pay the full amount of my therapist’s fees I wouldn’t go. But please prioritize your mental health if you can – I know it has helped me a ton. Maybe you could try looking outside of your immediate area? Because everyone is meeting remotely right now, you have more flexibility on who you can see – meaning, they don’t have to be within driving/commuting distance. best of luck!
Anon
“Separately, when I tried to just do out of pocket recently I had a referral for a therapist that quoted me over $200 an hour. I asked if we could do sessions every other week instead of every week and it was like she couldn’t get me off of the phone fast enough. And just to really make sure I understood how basic I was, mentioned she often sees clients a couple of times a week in response to my timing question.”
You are fortunate; some therapists are really bad and their patients don’t realise that until it’s too late. You were able to figure this out on the phone with her.
“Honest question. How does everyone on here just so casually afford therapy all the time?”
I’m going to be really blunt on this one. If I were to explain to someone I sort-of know why I am in therapy, it would sound casual. “Some issues with my family… and moving… and being newly married….”
The real reasons I am in therapy are horrific: a psychopathic family of origin (literally psychopathic, as in, my older sister has tried to kill me on numerous occasions and tried to kill my younger siblings); a dysfunctional family of origin (if you ask where my parents were in all this, the answer is “with their heads in the sand”); the #metoo before there was #metoo job from hell; and garden-variety marriage problems, some of which stem from the abuse (sexual dysfunction is rampant even amongst those who are “only” physically, but not sexually, abused).
Guess how that gets explained to acquaintances. “Therapy has been great!” We’re out… $3,000 so far? I feel like such a different person than I did two years ago.
Any
Are people from your office starting to travel again for business purposes? Like the office is still closed or remote but they’re traveling for what doesn’t seem to be “essential” business.
PNW
We actually just got a memo the other day extending our current No Travel policy through the end of April. It had been due to expire end of this month. I haven’t seen or heard of anyone travelling since last year.
Ribena
Lol no, most of us aren’t even going into the office, let alone elsewhere.
anon
Nope!
Senior Attorney
My state is a giant sh!tshow, so no.
Anon
No. I was a heavy traveler. We are not cleared to travel or go back to offices.
Cat
Nope.
Betsy
No, our expectation is that our offices will reopen well before we start traveling again.
pugsnbourbon
In my old field, yes, but very sparingly. It’s a travel-centric field, though.
Blair Waldorf
Yes, and I’m annoyed even though I haven’t been asked to travel. (Small boutique litigation firm; my partners are traveling for depo prep and the actual depositions.)
Anonymous
No travel and the travel ban has been extended until summer. But I seem to work for literally the only employer in the world that cares about the health of it’s staff.
anonymous
Let me be clear that *I* am not traveling, but yes, some of the people in my law firm are traveling again. Some never stopped. One of those people just got covid, quelle suprise. Actually, I guess I’m surprised it took this long. The partners’ opinions on travel and having in person meetings and coming into the office vary pretty widely and we’ve never had a cohesive policy, which annoys the heck out of me.